#it was requiered to be put out in the world

[bliss-is-in-blood]

Random (cute) thought on Hannibal and Mischa

The Lecter's Manor/Castle is still around and since Chiyoh is off and is not protecting the properties anymore (I do believe she sent the curious away and the few that wanted to make some urban exploration, off while she stayed). I'm sure some people went looking around.

Especially after Hannibal case resonates worldwide since he's one of the biggest and most impressive Seral killer of the century, whose finally been caugh, it's sure some are going to go looking around the Manor/Castle for fun and investigation.

You probably find video on youtube of people exploring, Lituanian autorities actually have to regulate that but surely some pass in the cracks of the net.

And what if Hannibal familly had a camera and films. That some of those trespassers would ultimatly find and post on the net too. Some would be very damaged but some other are in better condition.

One of the video is filmed by Hannibal's mother who hide at a corner, or at half the stair, it shows Hannibal and Mischa about a year before the tragedy, playing on the floor. Hannibal is literally lying down on the carpet, a book discarded at his side and a very expensive painting between them.

Hannibal took the painting from the wall to show it to her more closely, so she can see the details more clearly, because she was interested by it. He explains some stuff to her and she listen attentively, asking question, engaging with her brother. She has chalk on her hands from studying math on those small blackboard slate / or was drawing some stuff on it, and she's actively putting chalk print on the painting. And it goes on for a while until their mother interrupt their little moment with "Shouldn't you two be studying?" she says it with a laugh. But Hannibal immediatly look up, and with the quality of the video you can't really tell if he's worried, surprised or upset to have been interrupted but he gets up quickly and trot away calling Mischa to get up and follow, which she does without question and follow her brother. Their mother follow them right to the main door where you see Hannibal helping Mischa with her coat and scarf and gloves and Mischa laugh as if she don't understand they could be in trouble. Then they disapears outside, and it's so bright and exposed you don't see much but you guess it's snowy outside. last thing you hear is the mother telling them to get back before dinner.

Another one is just Hannibal and Mischa building a snowman outside and messing around.

Another one, this one it's Hannibal who hold the camera while he and Mischa tries to bake a cake, there's flour everywhere and while trying to hold the camera and mix eggs and flour and sugar the bowl rip away from his grip and fall and Mischa is laughing her ass off in the background, the camera turns to her her fingers covered in blueberries juice she's not sorry to not have been of any help.

Another one is in a more stern setting where Hannibal plays at the piano, he's very focused and it's clear he is observed by a small crowd. Mischa comes around and sit at his side and mess up with some piano keys. He shoo her away and other people are calling for her to stop bothering her brother but when she start to cry and their parent tries to bring her somewhere else, Hannibal call for her to sit back at his side on the bench, which she does, escaping the adults grasp. Hannibal show her a few keys to play, and when she get it correctly start resuming his own play, everytime he can free a hand in the music sheet he show her something else, it's all simple but it goes well with what he is playing.

There is a compilation too, it always start with Hannibal coming home, he's passing the door and you have a young girl screaming and crashing into her brother sometime violently enough Hannibal stumble, but Mischa always ignore the other people around even if it's her parents and welcome her brother first. Sometime he pick her up, always when she a bit less energetic or in a mood. She often tell him she missed him even if Hannibal was away for less than a hour (or so he says) or she ask him what he brough her and those time you see Hannibal pull out a feather or a rock or candy or whatever, and Mischa is always delighted.

You have another one that start at the high of an argument where Mischa is screaming, evidently upset saying "I don't like you, you're not by brother anymore !" and slapping the door of her room. Hannibal calmly return to his own room after looking at the camera with a bit of disdain or indifference. it keep rolling for around ten minutes, nothing happens, until Mischa gets out of her room and goes to knock on Hannibal's room. The door open.

"Can you play with me."

"I'm not your brother anymore, I'm not playing if I'm not your brother anymore." Mischa is clearly upset/frustrated by his comments

"That's not true you're my brother, you're always my brother stop lying !"

"If that's the case then what game do you want to play ?"

"The monster" She says happilly.

"The monster? then you better be ready because it's comming."

and a few seconds later you have Mischa running, happily screaming and laughing while Hannibal run behind her making noise and making sure not to be too fast so she can flee while he pretend he's going to catch her. as if the argument that happenned ten minutes earlier didn't happen.

All those video (and some more) are very cute and now everyone is wondering if they should warn Hannibal those video exist, that they exist for everyone to see, wondering if they should show them to him.

Bedelia tell them they should keep it secret, because even her doesn't have a clue how Hannibal could react to them. She know Hannibal lost the memory of his sister face during his trauma, it's locked away with it and recovering the memory of her face might unlock things nor Hannibal nor anyone dealing with Hannibal would be able to deal with. It's also a bit of a punition, because it might be the only way Hannibal could recover the full memory of her.

Now imagine post-fall, Will inform Hannibal of the existence of those video and when he is ready he can look at them. And he does, feeling safe even if he break down because Will is there to understand him and actually support him and help him deal with some door Hannibal hasn't dared to open, ever.

[lemon-cheese-cake]

There's not enough content about these two, but i can't get them out of my head so this is just me rambling about Varian and Thomas.

At 1st I wanted to state all the points that make Varian the 'okokok' and Thomas the 'lalalala', but i realized it's not that simple so yea these are just my humble observations, feel free to add anything or correct me :)

To start, i just wanted to say how much i love how the show portrayed the obvious differences between the two.

Varian is generaly the more rational one and Thomas is more layed back and less afraid. My poor Varian, he's a jumble of nerves really. He's constantly worried about how will everything turn out, how to help as many people as possible, but meanwhile he's forgetting about himself. He's afraid to loosen up (as we saw in ep.3 at the beggining of the party) and Thomas and Mary Jane know that.

This is where Thomas comes in. He knows Varian. He knows what works for him, when to leave him be and when to push.

No matter how Varian tries to hide his emotions, Thomas can (at least to a certain extent) tell. He's the only person who's holding Varian up in the crazy world of war and i don't want to imagine what Varian must have felt like when he left him.

Thomas is more layed back when it comes to their personal relationship. He isn't afraid of other people at the villa knowing about them (lets be honest, they all know). Varian is afraid of his feelings affecting his work, that's (one of the reasons) why he's pushing Thomas away.

Their thinking when it comes to work and - how Varian put it - their professional life, is also not exactly the same but i'll leave that to someone else cause that requiers more brain work :)

Anywho i hope that makes at least a tiny bit sense, im not used to making posts and sharing my thoughts, i usually just reblog :)

[alukardtheabysswalker]

Sometimes you can really tell that people here will argue only from their First World POV, specially in regards to piracy.

Let's take books for example:

"You can get them in your library!"

Nope, not how it works here. Either the publisher has to get the rights and make an effort to distribute and the libraries consider it a good enough profit to put it on sale or the author has to do all that work by themselves. Luckily localization has become easier with time but even then that doesn't cover small and indie authors. And this applies to big franchise libraries like Ateneo or Yenny, do you think a local small library can afford all of that?

"You can request that books be added!"

Again, not how it works. If a library considers a book profitable they will sell it. You can ask if they have a book and they'll tell you if they do or don't and if MAYBE they'll have it and in most cases this, again, does not cover indie authors. You could make a movement to ask for copies of a book and or works of an author but that would be a whole lot of work for yourself and many others and they might still not take it.

"You can wait for them to restock"

That's true, I have tried that. It takes between three months and never because they deem it not profitable anymore and not worth selling anymore but they won't tell you if you ask.

"You can ask the author themselves to sell it to you or make some kind of deal"

Okay, let's consider first that this direct approach requieres for someone to be: 1)fluent enough in the author's native language to communicate with them, 2)for the author to have the time to actually negotiate with everyone that asks and 3)That that copy will not be in my own language and again I would need to be fluent in at least one language that isn't mine, specially because I'm assuming you're talking about USA authors and, this might be a shock to you, not everyone speaks English. And second, you might have nothing to offer as a bargain because you're not a reviewer and have no platform to speak of because why would you need to be an influencer to get a fucking book? So you're stuck with paying for the book full cost AND shipping which is fucking expensive. You could argue that the author might be willing to pay for the shipping out of their own pocket but not only does this mean a loss for them sometimes shipping depending on the country can be as expensive as the book itself therefore in this scenario there's no profit for the author, but also in some countries they will tax you for a book when it gets there even without shipping so one way or another you are paying more for it.

"But they could email you a pdf of the book"

Okay, let's consider again that this means still needing to go through all the work AND the copy might not be available in a language I can understand, we finally get to the crux of the topic and the main reason I wanted to make this post. Do you have ANY idea with what kind of economy we're dealing with? I'm not asking you to be an expert, I'm asking you to consider that you live IN THE RICHEST FUCKING COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. I don't care how bad the economy is there right now how bad do you think people in a third world country have it? Argentina's been having an inflation of over 40% for the past 8 years do you even know how many pesos is a dollar? No, you don't, here it is: 1 dollar=208 pesos. This will be absolutely obsolete by next week not yo mention a couple of months or years. And this is one kind of dollar, our economy is in such shambles that we have five different changes for dollars here. Do you think I have the money to buy that many books? Thank God resources like book depository exist where you can easily buy and be confident the book will get there but it's still full price and still only in English, and again still not a library here.

I am sorry for the situation of authors and indie authors in particular I really am, the way things are now they can barely make a scent and it shouldn't be that way. But also, as much as this may be a shock to you, the world does not revolve around the USA and if I want to read the books I want to read I have to either flip a coin with many libraries here and HOPE they have it or I pirate it, because if I can't then I can't read it.

[diormalfoy]

gone

pairing: edward nashton x fem!reader

summary: edward ghosts you before becoming the riddler to protect you. inspired by the song “gone” by rosé.

contains: ghosting, breakup, depression.

a/n: this hurts to write but i’ve been feeling kinda sad lately and this idea just came to me. remember you can still request, hope u guys like this ♡

“ I just wanna be the one

but to you, we’re already done

tell me, why’d you have to hit-and-run me?

now im all alone crying ugly

you broke my heart just for fun

took my love and just left me numb.”

Gotham city felt gloomy and dark, as Edward stood by the window of his dimly lit apartment. His mind felt like a labyrinth, consumed with puzzles and enigmas, but there was one riddle he couldn’t solve — his own heart. You had stumbled into his life unexpectedly, igniting a new spark within him. Your presence in his world felt like a breath of fresh air, a beacon of light piercing through the darkness of his mind. You were the woman he had grown to cherish, his sanctuary, his solace, but now he had to let you go. He knew the darkness that lurked within him, waiting to be unleashed. That darkness that threatened to consume everything he held dear, and he couldn’t bear the thought of putting you in harm’s way.

He decided to disappear, like a phantom vanishing in the night. He severed all ties, leaving no trace of his existence behind. His calls went unanswered, messages left unread, as he slipped further into the shadows. Edward had always been different, his intellect surpassed that of ordinary individuals, and his mind thrived on solving mysteries and testing the limits of his knowledge. However, he was plagued by an internal chaos that threatened to destroy him entirely, and he knew that embracing his destiny as the Riddler would only bring destruction into the lives of those around him. He thought of you every day, longing your touch, your warmth. It was a heart-wrenching sacrifice, but he convinced himself it was for your own safety.

“Another story that's sad and true

I can feel the pain, can you?

You had to be the one to let me down

To colour me blue”

Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. You searched tirelessly for Edward desperate for any sign of his existence, but all your efforts lead to dead ends. You found yourself lost in a sea of confusion and heartache, replaying your moments together, searching for any trace of where it all went wrong. You just couldn’t understand why Edward, the one who had shown you love and tenderness, suddenly vanished from your life. The silence that enveloped you was deafening, and you wondered if you had been abandoned, left to drift aimlessly in a world devoid of his presence.

Edward watched you from afar, and he was determined to protect you, even if it meant sacrificing your love. But watching you only fueled his internal torment, he was between the desire to keep you safe and his longing to hold you in his arms once again.

One stormy night, you stood on the rooftop of a dilapidated building you and Edward used to visit to talk for hours. He had taught you so many things, and you just couldn’t get him out of your mind. The rain was pelting against your face and a soft breeze brushed against your skin, carrying with it a familiar scent. You turned, hoping to find Edward standing there, but he was nowhere to be seen. Instead, a single envelope laid at your feet.

Trembling hands picked up the envelope, and with cautious anticipation, you tore it open. Inside was a letter, inked with Edward’s unmistakable handwriting and stained with raindrops. Your heart raced as you devoured his words, feeling the weight of his conflicted emotions pour onto the page.

“ My dear,

I write to you now, my hearth heavy with sorrow and regret. I have chosen a path that requieres sacrifice, a path that will keep you safe from the darkness that threatens to consume me. I cannot bear the thought of you being caught in the crossfire, and I fear that if I stay, I will only bring pain and danger into your life.

Please understand that my absence is not a reflection of my feelings for you , it is a testament to the depth of my love. Hold onto our memories, the laughter and the light that once filled our days. They will guide you through the darkness, as they are the fragments of my soul that I leave behind.

Remember, my love, that you deserve happiness and safety. It pains me to leave, but if fate allows, our paths may cross again, and we will reclaim what was lost. Until then, know that I carry you in my heart, even in the depths of the shadows.

Yours forever,

Edward”

Tears mingled with raindrops as you clutched the letter to your chest. The realization of Edward’s sacrifice washed over you, a mix of pain and understanding intertwining in your heart. Now you finally understood. With a renewed sense of purpose, you vowed to hold onto the memories you had created, to keep the flickering flame of your love alive.

You would wait for him forever.

this was so relieving to write. thank you guys for the support, and please like and reblog if you enjoyed this. kisses, grace ♡

[kittykatninja321]

VV in general is cool, I think she's at her best and more interesting when she's the worst person imaginable cuz since she is a civilian character and still acts on the regular morality of: "I'm not like killing anybody." so whenever she's like slightly antagonistic it's like cool and shit.

I think we need more characters in general that are antagonistic in non hero ways in comic books, like they're not evil or anything but they put stones in the characters' lives without threatening the world. That's why a lot of comics end up resourcing to comic book even to comic book events cuz like... they never learnt that a good comic usually requieres both personal and hero life. This is not fucking Avengers/Ultimates books.

hmm. Again I know nothing about Vicky so I can’t say anything about her. But if there’s anything modern comics are missing out on it’s a connection to normal civilians. I think you’re right about the comic event thing like we wouldn’t need to end the world every 3 months if characters had more down to earth problems

[arcthebreeder]

Log_9.TXT

07/10/2023, 23:10 (GMT-5)

This will be a small update on how everything is going since Zanmetsumon's evolution, I have contracted the flu, so I'm not able to work properly, however, thanks to a mask package I have in my closet since 2020, I was able to somewhat work on the portal function for my Digimon Dock, so far, everything came out as expected, now the function is installed on the watch and everything seems to be working alright, however, there are sadly only two ways to activate this function.

The first one is through near field communication or NFC connections, since there's technically a part of the Digital World on everything electronic device, the NFC connections are perfect to transfer this information to the watch, so its data can be duplicated and connected to the actual Digital World, the second one requieres extra steps, both literally and figuratively, opening a portal requires a lot of energy, said energy needs to be obtained from somewhere, so I messed around with the code of the portal opening function so it can technically draw energy from me, this does not put my life at risk, don't worry, let me explain how it works.

The function needs to be activated first so it can start counting the steps I've taken since it's activation and once I reach the amount of steps needed to open a portal, well... it'll open, is that simple, it will take energy from the heart rate monitor's reading of my heartbeat, so it's technically getting that energy from me, the less bright side of this update is that this function sacrifices a lot of battery so I have to take to account that when I start exploring the more aggressive parts of this investigation, which will be soon, or, at least, once I recover from my flu, I'll keep you updated.

ATT: ARC

[waru-chan8]

Roberto: let's get some air, or not. The next one to face their challenge is Jorge Lorenzo, that this week he'll go to the future. Just like that, literal.

Jorge: me about music, the flute when I was 10 or 12 years in he school and the Guitar Hero. All those instruments are mine, no?

Constantino: yes, yes. This is your

Jorge: and the orchestra will go behind (me)

Constantino: world. I'll go in front, and behind will go the whole orchestra.

Jorge: it's a big pressure, no? Because you are encountering/facing with tremendous/fabulous professionals doing everything perfect and you need to do it perfect and do a lot of things at the same time and in a short amount of time.

Constantino: first is the cymbal. The next one are the timpani

Jorge: shit! Argh

Constantino: the next one will be to move to the bass drum. One, two, one, two, pom/boom, 3 hit. One, two, one, two. okay, but say it, this way you keep the rhythm

Jorge: One of the things that is more difficult for me is too keep the songs tempo and do everything with the tempo (basically what he means is that he struggles to keep it everything with the songs rhythm)

Constantino: one, two. Run, run to the timpani 🎵. Late (meaning it was out of the rhythm)

Jorge: shit

Constantino: okay?

Jorge: the truth is that the skate from 'Back to the Future Part II' would be nice to go a bit faster, from side to side because... I have to move a lot in a shot amount of time

Constantino: stop, stop

Jorge: I didn't remember about this one. I'll need to practise a lot for it to be perfect, all the instruments at the rhythm. It'll requiere a lot of effort and a lot of dedication

Roberto: good night, Constantino

Constantino: good night. How's it going?

Roberto: to you and all the Film Symphony Orchestra. Welcome (female and male) to all of you. You did a stop on your 'Krypton' tour

Constantino: exactly, the best superhero themes for all Spain on concert, so we did an stop today to enjoy Jorge Lorenzo's velocity

Roberto: holy mother of cow. Jorge Lorenzo, are you conscious that you are going to play 13 instruments?

Constantino: 13 instruments, yes

Jorge: I've been very nervous since I woke up this morning, it seems that I'm battling for the championship because I came in this morning and nothing was coming out/I wasn't doing well. The mind completely blank, and I had to do it all the time on the bathroom breaks and that practising, practising and practising. And there with the nerves I went blank again and no... Very nervous, but after seeing what Rosa did (she broke the apnea all time record (contestant)) , so my nerves lowered because it doesn't matter what I do, even if I become Beethoven or Mozart, I won't get a 10. Now I'm relaxed

Roberto: Marty McFly yes,

Constantino: exactly

Roberto: (he) comes with the perfect clothes

Roberto: what does he need to do? The guy is gong to play 13 instruments?

Constantino: it's a very complex challenge, not only for the 13 instruments because he is going to perform as 5 percussionist. The music sheet we are gonna play that is from 'Back to the Future'

Roberto: so, today you are going to save 5 percussionist and we put him in place

Constantino: more or less

Roberto: to understand it

Constantino: and it's not only the music sheet of 5 percussionist, is that he needs to play those 13 instruments at the precise moment he needs to, with the right rhythm and in the correct way. Nothing easy, eh?

Roberto: and about 8 meters long that he needs to run

Constantino: of course, of course, he needs to move a bi (Waru's comment: a bit?)

Roberto: yeah of course, you (control) the velocity

Jorge: I can't take the waistcoat out to do it more quickly. This comes integrated

Roberto: yeah it's integrated, yes

Constantino: I think that with the theme

Jorge: JJ Fox

Roberto: it helps. You are (ready)? Yes?

Jorge: let's go, let's go for it

Roberto: let's go for it?

Constantino: let's go for it hell yeah

Roberto: good luck, Jorge Lorenzo. Constantino, Film Symphony Orchestra director, that is going to

Constantino: let's go for it, Jorge

Roberto: to conduct Jorge and all his musicians. Now yes, we are all ready. Are you, Constantino?

Constantino: we are.

Roberto: Jorge, get aire. Important, that it gets in that waistcoat, son because you came with too many layers. Come one, let's go 'Back to the Future', the challenge start

----

Constantino laughs like a maniac

Constantino and Jorge: bavo

Constantino: very good.

Jorge: thanks

Roberto: how good, how good.

[1l0v34g00dp1nkc0l0ur]

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.”- Mandy Hale

It is in our nature to develop into a better beings of ourselves. Those who don't grow as a person will begin to deteriorate. They turn into an empty soul with no drive for anything, and they end up with physical and mental health issues, no friends, and no love life.

Many of us think that chasing the new promotion is the only growth we can achieve. We forget the soul and the body. We neglect mental hygiene. Our brain turns into a mush with nothig but a simple desire for dopamine, full of kortizol, lack of seretonin. I could list till the end of the world the importance of clear mind.

But a clean mind doesn´t come with just journaling, meditation and taking a walk every now and then. A facemask wont fix your depression.

A clean and strong mind requiers:

clean surroundings

clean diet

strong body

organised life

Clean room + surroundings:

Peterson said to have your life in order before we judge others and to have a clean room. He is right. Just by following your morning routine of making your bed makes you more productive + your rooms looks more clear.

Give yourself the motivation to keep your room/ apartment/ house clean and organized.

For example:

you want to buy the new limited colection of tea cups, but you also need to take out the thrash ouf of your room and vacuum

Solution:

you put a timer of your phone and lets just say, within 40 minutes you will clean and vacuum

after that, you reward yourself with the purchase of said tea cups

Clean eating:

We all know the endles rules about cutting out sugar, processed foods and dont even think about those fries and to-go fast foods. They tell to restrict, while not teaching us how to control ourselves , especially if we are struggling with food. I myself had an sugar addiction, I was snackin on chocolate bars, ate till I couldnt and then ate more. Until one day.

In ATOMIC HABITS by JAMES CLEAR I read something along the lines of signing a contract with someone and putting what we want to quit, away (in my case it was sugar = dang i loved the ones with the caramel filling). So i did that, signed a contract with my mother, if I ate said chocolate, i would have to pay a hefty amount of cash and hold a family meeting where i present my page long apology.

Try adding food instead of substracting.

For example:

I want to eat ramen. So I add a soft boiled egg (protein) , nori sheets (iodine), sesame seeds (healthy fats, protein, B vitamins, minerals, fiber, antioxidants, and other beneficial plant compounds) with a chili-garlic (garlic= vitamins C and B6, manganese and selenium, chili = vitamin C and antioxidants) paste.

Replace with a better alternative.

For example:

I want sugar in my tea. I add stevia

The recepy requires to add white chocolte or milk chocolate chips. Instead add dark chocolate chips.

Strong body:

Getting a strong body is challenging. We want to look good, but that is not important, the importance is the strenght and the health that comes with it.

take up on a challenge ( some simple 2 week challenge from youtube)

instead of a car or a public transport use a bike or walk (skateboard or rollerskates will do as well)

Organized life:

get clear boxes/containers and label them

categorise

use that calendar that you buy every year and you only use it for the first week of the year, yes I am looking at you

get rid of things you dont use, that make-up you got from your aunt from the 7th grade, it is time to say goodbye, you dont need 3 exact same black handbags

after using things, put them immediately away

[2much4me-4ever]

Songs are definitly one thing. I kinda like songs with romance themes (i relate them to ships i like) but 'hot sex songs' are definitly weird to me. For example, 'señorita'? I I always Ignored the obvious implications and was like woo two people on the beach, dancing, drama ... iiks. I just don't think lyrics are the best way to express sexual crawings. Still, music was and is the easiest way for me to relate to allosexual feelings (Though I don't want to know what it's like to be a sex repulsed person in this oversexulised world. Iiks.)

Books are heartbreaking. I myself don't really read action, and only a small amount of fantasy.

I mostly read Fanfiction online, out of financial reasons and for easier accsess, but those rarely compare to a good, actual GOOD book. My prefered genre is kinda hard to describe, but I enjoy be Slice of life or similar stories where a persons thoughts are the main content of the book.

I have a really hard time finding those types of book, and have stood multiple hour in bookshops finding nothing that suites my taste.

Why? I prefer these books without romance. And there is literally nothing of good & modern writing that fits that descibtion. Every book about a singular persons life centers about their love life. That shit makes me want to puke. I just want to read, and I want to cry when i cant find anything i can even remotly relate with.

I have tried to be less picky, but it's literally impossible.

I searched multiple forums for books with no romance, no matter the genre. The result? -Books where the characters are minors, and therefore no romance

-Books like Alice Osmans, that are ment for teens, therefore written in a pleasure-chasing kind of way

-Classics, (I have mostly already read), who offer no new Intelectual Riddeling, and (mostly) written a way that makes me take 5-10 minutes to read a paige

-Terrible books with terrible plot by terrible writers

-Books with 'a little romance'

Basically, there is nothing (new) for me to read, sonce every 'good' book requiers a romance, apparently. Im despairing over here. And the f worst is, im shure there are books of the kind i'd like to read, but there is no forum / genre name for them. If I had one, I could just google ''the genre' without romance' but there is no name and it drives me crazy!!!!

Back to normal Books, i presume you know 'Fourth Wing' ? I have not read it, but due to a conversation with an accquaintince, I know the plot. Or, she told me about five facts about the book, and I could guess the entire plot. The male main characters hair colour? No problem, every enemys to lovers MLI has Black hair. What, she is frail and weak, but turns out to be compleatly overpowered? Oh suprise!! Her beau is actually on the good side AND they start to overtrow an opressive regime? NEVER would have guessed.

Im not saying this bad or whatever, and there is definitly more work put into the book than following bland stereotypes, but the fact that this book is so crazy popular definitly says something about the readers.

I myself read lighter novels to relax, which I call 'pleasure reading' so I can't really judge romance readers. What I do judge is the commercialisation (Is that a word (*sweating*)) of writing. It's hard to write a good novel under the pressure of having to releasing one every one to two years or fucking die jobless.

So what do writers do? They use tropes and sub-genres to draw in more readers. Romance is insanely popular and doesn't need a complex world building, just a few additional characters and another twist in the backstory of the MC (-and you've totally ruined your novel).

Your sister's problem seems definitly rooted in those shows. Like I don't know her but those are deeply problematic for children. They don't get that Marinette Or Whomever the Heroine is, are not looking like a normal human does. Same for frozens Elsa, etc. Their proportions are off, the eyes to big, waist to slim, skin to clear. These standarts are not humanly possible becourse they are not human! They are animated characters..

If you think about it, the reason those character in childrens shows are 'attractive' is pretty terrifing. Children don't get what 'attractive' is. Elsa could look like an old cartoon Donald Duck to them, ir woudn't matter, but those views on 'being a pretty princess is fun' are placed in little girls heads trough those shows.

No girl gets born and thinks she has to be pretty. They get thought they have to be, and that its 'fun' and 'normal' to be pretty by series, movies, parents, teachers, advertisments, the childrens clothing section. This frustrates me so deeply.

(My friends sister has had long hair down to her waist as long as i can remember. Before she could make that desicion, her mom made it for her, no matter how bothering long hair can be on a child. She grows up not knowing how easy and refreshing short hair is, and Im despairing over Why that has to be. She doesn't even consider it a valid option.

Again, I have crazy strong views on everything. If needed, just Ignore my vent, I won't mind.

Thanks for reading this shit :)

I love singing love songs as aroace bc I will ALWAYS sing them w more passion than anyone else in the room (unrelated?) and ppl think i have a Romeo and Juliet (not rlly abt love but yk) kind of love story

[redwidow18]

Okay bear with me, I know how I met your mother ended ages ago but I’ll never get over the ending, it bothers me to no end because I love the show. Recently I had a discussion with a friend about the ending regarding Ted and Robin and we couldn’t agree so now I need to rant here as well.

So here’s my ted talk on Ted Mosby:

Robin and Ted shouldn’t have ended up together, they were zero compatible. Barney and Robin should have, not only for their great storyline but because he gets her. He accepts her for who she truly is. He knows she needs to be independent, she’s her own boss, her own person and he’s okay with it. The show was very specific that one of the many reasons Ted and Robin didn’t work out besides wanting different things in life, was that Ted wanted a princess. There’s a whole episode dedicated to showcasing how Ted wants a woman to need him but Robin doesn’t need him, in fact she doesn’t need anybody. That was the thing that made their relationship fail, Ted hated that she didn’t need him as much as he needed her, she didn’t love him as much as he loved her. Their love was unidirectional. Ted is the kind of guy who just needs to be part of a couple he doesn’t like being alone, we all know someone like that and Robin is not it.

I don’t dislike Ted, I think he is a great super relatable character just not right for Robin. Also he has a bit of a “nice guy complex” and that is one of his flaws as a person. He doesn’t get why he can’t get the committed relationship he wants if he’s a nice guy, with a decent job, who wants to settle down and a have a family. Which on paper is every girls dream, or what people think girls dream about. Despite claiming this, he was never genuinely interested in his partners, most of the times he dated some girl just because he didn’t want to be alone. I’m sorry but that bothers me. You can’t be romantically involved with someone just because you’re desperate to fulfill what you thinks is “the check-list of life” aka “the white picket fence, suburban family dream”, and what is even worse you can’t force someone like Robin that has different goals for her life to do it with you. That’s incredibly selfish.

There’s different guys for everything, there are the guys like Marshall and Ted that are the stereotype of the kind of guys you would take home and introduce to your parents, the one you have a serious relationship with or at least that’s what the show tries to tell us. In the other hand we have guys like Barney, that are the guys you fuck with once in a while because you want it kinky. But the guy spectrum shouldn’t be reduced to just that two extremes.

Now that we are getting to Barney, I know he was far from perfect, he made a lot of mistakes. But the one thing I have to defend him for is that he had very few serious committed relationships but he always gave his 100% in every one of them. Whereas Ted had a lot of serious relationships but he put at least 10% in each one. He was obsessed with finding the perfect girl, the one that accomplished all of his requirements and he had no problem in tossing aside the girls that he didn’t consider to be ideal partners.

He never understood (and the show never made him) the fact that a person perfectly designed for you doesn’t exist. You can find the ideal person for you but it’s never going to be perfect because the truth is that relationships requiere work and compromise and a bit of sacrifice. There will be things that your partner will do that you might dislike and that’s completely normal. The Netflix rom-com Set It Up has an amazing quote that fits this: “We like because and we love in spite of”. That’s it, that’s what relationships are all about and Ted failed to understand this. All of this is a perfectly reasonable explanation of why Ted and Robin shouldn’t have been together. Robin and Barney is my real endgame and I’ll pretend they are happily traveling the world for the rest of my life.

[thoughtsofahouseplant]

Your tags have me thinking about how Spike seeks out opponents whereas Angelus seeks out victims….. Spike wants the fight and Angelus wants the kill….. Wow.

I'm answering this one second bc BESTIE O MY GOD you put this so elegantly. Opponents to fight vs victims to kill . . . that really is it right there. Like, Spike wants a challenge - he's v open about this, and when he was a human he still really wanted someone who saw the world the way he did and who he could connect w over that. He's always been looking for people 'on his level,' it's just in a violent way now bc vampire.

Meanwhile, based on Angelus' actions alone, it seems like what Angelus really wants is just to feel powerful. That's not what he SAYS, though - Angelus is all "a rael Kiel requiers artiestree" (you know, in the irish accent DB does). I always come back to Lolita when talking about Angel (bc I can't help it!! There are faaar too many parallels!!!), and this is v Humbert Humbert Talking About Nymphets to me. Like, he's justifying his depravity and violence to himself as being part of this higher thing that he's in service of when, really, it's just violence. It's just torturing and tormenting people and then killing them, being as terrible as possible isn't an 'art,' not even, really, to other demons we see in the Buffyverse (like, Glory was fabulous but I can't picture her earnestly saying that a good kill requires artistry). Angelus wants the kill.

The really interesting thing to me, that I just realized, is that Angel totally does that same kind of justification in soul-mode too. He has this image of himself as a tortured hero seeking redemption (whether or not that's what he actually is is up for debate), and uses that to justify all sorts of questionable choices, including stalking and dating a teenage girl when he's permanently in his 20s at best and super-duper old at worst. Like, you can take nearly everything Humbert says about nymphets in Lolita, replace "nymphet" w "slayer," and it would read like Angel talking about high school Buffy . . . which is mega-icky, but I just thought of it so now Everyone Must Know. Anyway, this line of thinking kinda begs the question: if Angelus is masking his desire to exert power over victims through killing them under this idea of "artistry," what is Angel masking under his idea of heroism?

[viviswtings]

Hi, I'm new on this... But can I request a skz reaction to their s/o being on "those days"? 🥺👉👈

Hi!! I’m sorry for the wait but here you are! I’ve also never done anything like this so I’m sorry if it’s not what you expected. I tried my best.

Those days. (SKZ).

Stray Kids x f!reader.

Warnings: Mentions of periods... beware.

Word count: 1.423.

Bang Chan.

Chan would be the kind of guy to ask what to do. He wouldn’t be taken back or anything of the sort, but he knows is best to ask so you’d be as comfy as possible.

He’d be sweet and caring and because it’s meant to happen more than once when he’s busy, he’ll send you texts every so often to check on you.

He’s daddy for a reason, you see.

If you have really bad cramps or you get particularly sick, he’ll also be sick out of sheer worry. He can’t leave his work and the boys hanging, but he surely would just to take care of you. So don’t be surprised when on his free day he pops up at your door with a bunch of your favourite snacks, drinks and his laptop with your comfort movies downloaded. He’ll make up for his absence to his babygirl, of that you can be sure.

Be ready for cuddles, kisses, belly and back rubs, maybe even some baby talk because this man can’t help himself if he sees you hurting. He’ll take care of absolutely everything and as soon as you’re better you’re up for the cutest date. He’s so remorseful when it comes to be there for the people he loves, you can’t even fathom what he wouldn’t do for you.

Minho.

He’d try to not take it very seriously at first. He doesn’t take his own sickness seriously, so it takes a day or two for him to realise that you need him there to keep you company because you’re a moody mess. So expect to get mad at him the first time you feel like crap and he doesn’t really make much of it.

But relationships are all about communication, and as soon as you tell him how you feel and what you need- sort of like Chan in a way- he’ll make sure he makes it right.

He’ll text you silly cat memes and his SNOW selfies to make you laugh, even just smile. Probably at the beginning he’ll feel like that’s as much as he can do. But as soon as he gets comfortable enough he’ll be comforting and sweet, as we all know he can be when he wants to. Telling you how much he loves you while cuddling on the couch and burying you under a blanket mountain to make sure you’re warm and comfy. He may even bring one of his cat-sons to keep you company and comfort you if he can’t.

Changbin.

I feel like Changbin would be much chiller about the whole situation on the outside. He wouldn’t really make a fuss about it to you. It’d be all in the details. Like actually knowing when your period is due, so he makes sure to drop candy at yours, maybe without you knowing. He’ll send you a voicemail with his pretty voice telling you about his day and asking how you are. It’s not that hard to realise that he has, somehow, found out you’re on your period or very close to it, because he’d be so careful not to bother you and he’d be the one who becomes a cuddle bear.

He’d want to be all over you, all day, everyday. This man doesn’t care if he has to stop working to go get under a blanket with you, his arms around your tummy, and never leave. It’s his natural habitat after all. He’ll pepper you with kisses on you neck and temple and bury his face on your neck. He loves laying on top of you and being the little spoon, so the mere act of him holding you like that lets you know he’s perfectly aware of your needs and doesn’t requiere you to tell him.

Hyunjin.

He wouldn’t realise until he finds you curled on the couch crying for whatever reason. As soon as he does, though, this Drama Llama wouldn’t outlive the utter shame he feels for being “Such an uncaring idiot”.

He’d hold you softly and put your head in the crook of his neck, making you a blanket burrito and asking for redemption for his unforgivable sin. The kisses all over your face and the tender touches wouldn’t cease under you’re feeling better. He’s also not leaving until you’re asleep and he’ll be back next morning with breakfast in bed and the cutest words he has ever whispered to you -because it’d be too embarrassing to say them out loud, but he needs you to know how he feels. You end up crying and with the realisation that you’re truly dating a prince to whom you’re the only queen.

Jisung.

He’d ask directly if you’re on your period and after you answer he’ll disappear for a couple of hours. When he’s back he brings medicine, an electric blanket, candy, chocolate, movies... Even a stuffie!

He wouldn’t hide that he’s looked everything up to make sure that he knew how to take care of his one and only. Why bother you when he could inform himself of everything on the internet and come back with everything you would ever need? You can’t deny his smile is the cutest thing you have ever seen, and the thought he put on something as simple as a period just because it’s you makes you feel the most loved you ever have.

He’s also brought pads, for some reason. But they’re more like adult nappies and you two have a good laugh over it. He thought he was buying the right ones but he’s not shy to laugh at himself for messing it up. Next time he’ll bring you the right ones, though. It’ll be a joke for years to come.

Felix.

Lix would ask his mum. He’s not afraid to ask her or his sister what they think you need if he sees you hurting. It breaks his heart and all he ever wants is to see you smile and laugh because it brights up his world. So he’s not shying away anytime soon. If you’re going through it, count him in. No matter how bad or painful.

He’d also ask you, because it’s the only way to make sure he does it right. He’ll help you get comfortable and as soon as you’re settled he’s making you breakfast, lunch, dinner, brownies, cookies and smoothies for a month. Try and tell him your period doesn’t last that long and that you won’t be able to eat all that. Just try. Because he’ll go on a rant on how you’re loosing blood and you could even faint! Can you imagine? You fainting? On his watch? No, ma’am, that ain’t happening on this sunshine’s watch. Try another time.

The cuddles, the smooches, the amount of skinship would be near to suffocating. You won’t need a hot water bottle or an electric blanket, because you have the very sun tangled around you like being Australian makes him half koala.

You love your Yongbokie, you truly do. But you would be so thankful when you can finally go to the toilet without him on your tail. It’s just not comfortable to have him waiting for you every time you have to use the restroom.

Seungmin.

Seungmin would be soft, quiet. He’d wander around you without probably ever telling you. He’s there, he makes sure you tell him you’re fine every so often. He drops by everyday or night to have some quality time and he sure as heck makes sure to tell you how much he loves you every single day.

But, if you don’t make a deal out of it, then he won’t either. He’ll plan chill date nights in and cook dinner with you or for you. He’ll let you choose the movie without asking for anything in return and he won’t make fun of you when you go for cuddles when you go to sleep, like he sometimes does. It’s not like it’s a deadly illness or anything, like some guys make it look. But as far as he knows it’s uncomfortable and it can hurt. So if you ever tell him how you’re feeling and what you need, or even hint at it, he’ll do whatever it is without much of a question or hesitation. He knows you know that he knows and are not mentioning it. And to be quite honest he likes it that way. You understand each other without words and to him it’s beautiful.

I don’t feel comfortable writing for the bb, sorry.

[hello-there]

Communities are a new way to connect with the people on Tumblr who care about the things you care about! Browse Communities to find the perfect one for your interests or create a new one and invite your friends and mutuals!

[untilsfe]

Now, this is the thing i was waiting to find! I'm not throwing away my shot!

Ok ok, i stop. Well, if some one understands the reference you can asume i'm a mega fan of "Hamilton the musical", and if you don't know what i'm talking about let me tell you that is the best performance in the world, but keepping that aside... when i saw the similarities with Nigel and his story with the G:KND and Hamilton i said to myself: I NEED TO DO THIS!

So... here se are!

"The Skuyler sisters!"

"Angélica, Peggy, Eliza... and Laffayette" xd

Now i'm going to proceed with the explanation. First of all, my beatiful girls.

If you know the musical you know that the relation of Eliza and Angelica is strong but a little bit complicated with their love for the same guy; that made me put Lizzie as Eliza obviously, not just for the name, it's a cuestion that implicates the relation that she had with Nigel in the series.

And as many people is probably guessing, Rachel is Angelica, this 'couse everyone ship her with Nigel but they are not canon (sadly) so it's a sweet pain for the fandom... and for the last but not less important, Kuki as Peggy! Just 'couse she doesn' t fit with the rest of the principal gang ;-;

I will explain why in a moment.

That's all for the Schylers, so we start with the Hamsquad. Laffayette is a French character, a badass, a legendary warrior (for me at least), so it can't be another than Abby the one that takes his place. She fills all the requierments, she is brave, she is incredible, she has french genes in her heritage and also, the uniform suits her. uwu

In the case of the boys it went more simple. Nigel is Alexander Hamilton 'cause everything is about him Lol.

Aaron Burr has to be Chad, i don't care what comes next, i need the blonde there. Especially when the fact that Chad did not enter G: KND because of Nigel fits like a glove to the story.

I came with the idea for Hoagie as Hercules Mulligan based in his googles and how he transform in teenager in one chapter, in this case, being abble to be the spy the group need to defeat the enemy.

And Wally, he came out as Laurens, i mean he is a great guy and could fit very well... and no, i'm not crying right now 'cause i know what happens to the poor little boy... i'm not!!

To finish, I thank you for get this far and I hope you like the Au, I have other drawings of the rest of the characters but I'll upload them later. Bye bye.

[jejassimworlds]

My new world

I decided to build another world. This time it should have more of a Moonlight Falls/Mystic Falls(Vampire Diaries Town) vibe. I got inspired by a vacation in the mountains so I have plenty of building ideas for houses. This time I want to incorporate diving spots as well(I could not play without them and my mermaids<3) and I want to try to make a better terrain for the world. Because lets be honest, the island I previously made is fine but not exactly breathtaking. And I encountered several routing isseus(my sim jogged up a mountain he was not supposed to jog) and the diving spots did not have any requiered diving level which I thought they had because I made them one. So I try to fix this in the new world as well(I will not try to do thst in the Elysium world because the world is populated and it said explixit not to make much changes after population). This time I will have an extend testing period before I populate the town. And lets not forget the random looking service sims(I still dont know what their issue is).

 Let’s hope for the second try it gets better xD

I am not quite sure if I want to make everything from scratch or just transfer the houses and sims from Elysium to this new town because they would fit just fine in the aspired aesthetic for the world. And I like all of the sims but the world not so much anymore. What do you think?

If you want to participate by making sims or houses you can obviously. Just message me and we will work things out. This time due to the extended testing period I will not give the world out before everything is tested. This will give you additionally to the restrictions from the last world(no cc & sims direct from CAS, NOT tested in play mode) the restriction for the buildings that they need to be on a flat lot. Hopefully then I will be able to put it in the world with no issues :)

So.... I think I should rename my blog into Jejas simworlds xD

[sayuricorner]

Lil' Lucifer x Identity V AU:  hunter : Lucifer aka ̎ The Fallen ̎

Here an AU idea for the lil’ Lucifer AU which is a crossover with the game Identity V.

I plan to post more details about the lore later so stay tune! ;)

Lil’ Lucifer au belong to @brightgoat

Identity V belong to NetEase

Cuphead belong to Studio MDHR

Origin Story:

A way long time before he begin his revolution Lucifer find out about him and his siblings being just pet projects in their father's eyes and that all the time he was spoiling and favoring him was just to push him to the edge just to see what would happen.

Lucifer is like "f*ck this I'm out!" and decide to run away, to "fall himself", just to piss off the old man.

He do this by using an old artefact from Heaven which send him to the Identity V world. Millenials later he is contacted by the owner of the Oletus Manor who propose him to participate at the Oletus Games with the promise of a new meaning for his life: a life in which he truly had a choice of his own.

In the Oletus Games, he is the hunter know to the survivors as "The Fallen".

Appearance :

Normal : Lucifer's apparence only partially changed since he don't regret leaving Heaven, he regret leaving his siblings behind but that it: his fur is brown, his eyes are yellow but he still got blue pupils.

He got long grey horns and if he still got his feathered wings since he is out of God's reach, they're not as white as they were before they are grey-ish and got bats wings like shaped and ever since he left Heaven he got longer hair to shoulder length.

Hunter mode : As a hunter Lucifer created a costume which hide most of his body 'cause he think his winged goat/sheep appearence is not really intimidating compared to the other hunters and think that because of this he will not be taken seriously by the the survivors and to Lucifer there is no way that the ones he is supposed to hunt don't take him seriously! His pride will not allow it!

He wear grey robes with a hood which hide completly his face except his eyes which can be see glowing and he put his wings around him like he is wearing a feathered cape. This disguise help to incrase the fear in the heart of the survivors.

Abilities :

Agility : Lucifer(aka The Fallen) is not a hunter who rely on physical strength, while hunting survivors he mainly use his agility which is very usefull to quickly suprise and catch a survivor.

Wapon : He got a trident which he use either to knock out survivors either to catch survivors who are at a certain distance from him by throwing it at them and trap them.

When the latter is used the survivors trapped got a little time to free themself from the trident before Lucifer get to them, catch them and bring them to one of the rocket chairs, but removing the trident alone is something possible only for a physically strong survivor, the best strategy is to had a teammate to help.

Strongest attack : Lucifer's best attack consist to fly at some heigh to bieng able to see the whole map without being see and when he saw a survivor he dash at them like a hawk dashing to it's prey and knock them out.

Special ability : Back in Heaven Lucifer was know to had the most beautiful singing, a talent he still got even after he run away, by so he can use his talent to put the survivors in trance and make them come at him when, for exemple, they are hiding.

There is two way for the survivors to counter this ability:

1)When the survivors begin to hear the song they can try to not focus on it but it requier at great amount of mental will and/or supernatural power and by so only survivors like the Seer or the Priestress can easely use this method.

2) A teammate can free a hypnotized survivor from their trance by smacking them, said teammate can also do it by smacking Lucifer to make him stop singing but it's a riscky tactic which got chances to result with the teammate being catch.

Weaknesses :

Vision : In order to be effective with his direct attacks Lucifer must see the survivors otherwise his attacks will mostly fails.

Ex : If Lucifer hear a survivor in the map but can't see them throwing his trident will not be useful because there's chances he miss the target by throwing it in the wrong way or because the survivor will got time to get away. Same if he try to dash from the sky at survivors without having precisely spot them.

Ex 2 : Explorer with his shrink ability can easely hide from Lucifer.

Speed walking : Lucifer doesn’t walk as fast as he fly.

Focus : When using his abilities Lucifer had dificulties to focus on many things at the same time and when he use his hynoptic singing he is completly focus on the hypnotized survivors and by so it put him in a position of weakness.

He can't realize if survivors are behind him since he must stay focused while using it which create an opening for survivors to knocking him out an tactic which can give good results for the survivors if well played.

Recovery :Recovery time for Lucifer from pallet-smacking/ Enchantress stun/ Coordinator gun/ Forward dash/ Thief flashlight/ Prospector magnetting/ and so on.

Is also slower than usual during the recovery.

Behavior in game :

As any other hunters, Lucifer will track down every survivors present on the map, but, due to his mischievous nature he will use his agility to ̎ prank ̎ the survivors by suprising them and scaring them, making them jumpy and paranoiac which made the hunt game more funny to him.

For this reason he will always go after, who he call, the ̎ funiest ones ̎ first(aka ̎ the ones who are real scaredy-cats ̎).

[fairlylocaldreamer]

~Nikolaj~ (one shot)

It all started with a look...

As a small girl, I was calm and quiet. My parents were bigot Jews and my father requiered obedience and respect. From my mother, from me, from my brothers. Yet, I can't remember a day, when he would humiliate us or made us feel unimportant, loveless or small. Even though, we made mistakes, he always treated us kindly, he was patient and righteous. I will never forget his long speeches, that he used to give me and my brothers, when we disobeyed his rules. We had to spent hours in silence and talk to God.

How did we do that, you may ask? We prayed, we spoke quiet prayers and asked for forgivness. Did he hear us? Did he see me, when I was, with my black and blue knees repeated words reading from that old thick book? I don't think so.

I think, that God was answering me and he spoke to me the day, I met Nikolaj. The day, when I was lying on the frozen ground, my numb body covered with snow and frost and I was praying, because... What a paradox, you might ask, but in CC camp, where I lost my whole family, I found God. I saw hope, when everybody saw misery, I saw light, when everybody saw darkness. And I can only thank my father, because he taught me to speak to God.

Like it was today, I remember deadly spooky lights coming from the street, as Nazis were back in 1938 destroying everything, that was connected to Jews. No matter if it was a shop or a lawyer office, they wanted everything to burn. I wad lying between my mother and father in bed and we were praying. My mother's voice, singing me a jidish lullaby after that will always be in my head. I will never forget it and it will be the one, that my kids will always hear before I put them into the bed, right after two big hands will carry them to their room.

Same hands, that lifted my fragile broken body, that already gave up.

I can hear your voice still, Nikolaj. You were talking to me and I wasn't able to speak back, because my body and spirit were broken. I was one of many, yet you picked me, you stopped beside me and you spoke to me. You spoke in Russian and I had no idea, what you were saying, from intonation of your voice, I could only understand, that you were asking questions, but all I was able to say was my name. "Chana."

It was my mother's name too, I whish you could meet her, my beloved. She would love you, she would adore your kindness mixed with wild temper. She would love you for the way you treat our children, for the way you treat me. She would love you, just because you are. Like me.

I fell in love with you during that cold day, when I was dying on the ground, speaking to God.

"Are you there, God?" I was whispering. "Can you hear me? I never lost hope, I never lost faith. I still believe, there is a good in people's hearts, I still believe, that you gave us a free will, so there could be a good side, when the evil one rises from time to time. You took everything away from me, now, you are taking me back home, back to you and I feel in peace. I no longer feel a pain, I am no longer afraid, because soon I will meet my mother and father, soon my soul will meet and rest in embrace of my brothers. I was never afraid of death, what I was afraid of, was dying. And look at me, God, here I am, dying, freezing to death, my body just blood, water, bones and skin. Numb and fragile, not even strong enough to bleed. If I survived, would I be able to be mother? Would my body be able to create and carry another human being, when I am no longer to carry myself on my legs?"

Then a shadow appeared, silhouette covered the sky and stopped falling snow. Like a shelter, like a roof.

You were the answer to all my questions, you were God's answer.

Frankly, my beloved, I don't even remember the moment, when you took me to your arms and brought me away from the hell. Auschwitz...

I can't tell, how long was I lying on a bed in that hospital and I can't tell, how many times did I dream about you. Just your voice and your deep dark blue eyes. One day, I woke up and your eyes were watching me, because you came back. You were sitting next to that ugly smelling bed, that I was lying on and you were holding my hand. Your strong big hand, holding mine. Just skin and bones. You loved me, Nikolaj, when I couldn't love myself. I hated my body, I found it repulsive, grey, ugly, hideous, marked by tattooed numbers. Like a cow, I was just a number, just an item on a list, just another one, who should be wiped from Earth. My body should be turned to dust and I should fly in the air, like an angel and fall on heads of people, who would swear with their lives, that they didn't know, what was happening in that place behind high walls and barbed wires.

"Chana. To me, you are beautiful," you said and kissed me for the first time. And I started to cry and you let me. You have never mocked me for my tears, you have never asked why, you always just came to me and held me, trying to soothe my pain and listen to my cries.

The end of war came and the questions started to appear in my head. Did it mean the end of us? How could I know, that it was just a beginning? How could I know, that the answer was a question: "Will you marry me?"

It wad just few months after we met, after you were sent to save me, after I saw you and heard you for the first time and I said yes. Because I loved you from the first moment our eyes met.

You gave me hope and you gave me strength. Your strong hands were supporting me, when I was walking to the altar and you were holding me whole time, because I was still weak to stand for so long. "You are my everything, Chana," you whispered, when I was falling asleep later that night in your embrace and I was crying. I was crying, because I wanted to give you all of me and I wanted to feel all of you, but my mind, my soul wasn't ready. I thought, that you would be mad, but you instead whispered a quiet prayer to my ear:

Blessed is he who loves and does not therefore desire to be loved;

Blessed is he who fears and does not therefore desire to be feared;

Blessed is he who serves and does not therefore desire to be served;

Blessed is he who behaves well toward others and does not desire that others behave well toward him;

And because these are great things, the foolish do not rise to them.

My body got stronger, because you were always sure, that I got at least three meals per day. Even when we had nothing and you, yourself, you were starving, because we were poor. I know, my beloved, I saw you refusing food, just so I wasn't hungry, working daily and nightly just to make some money for us. Because it seemed like a crime to have Jewish woman as wife, even after war, even after everything world did to us, almost nobody treated us kindly and we were still threat.

So, one day, when I came home from my walk across town, I found you and our stuff packed in two bags. "My darling, my Chana," you stood up and looked at me with all the love you had. "I want something better for us."

We moved to England and we became servants at a huge animal farm. We served to old married couple, took care of their house, took care of their cattle. Have I ever told you, that it was one of the most happiest era in our lives, Nikolaj? Because I was close to you, I was with you and I could watch your smile and shining eyes. Your impish smirk, when you were just passing me by and you ahve never missed a chance to kiss me or to tell me, how beautiful I look. It didn't matter, if I was wearing regular dress or working clothes and I looked like I just fell to the mud.

I remember the day, when I woke up beside you and I was ready to devote myself completely to you. My body and soul craved you in unspeakable way, Nikolaj. Still, I was for some reason shamed by myself. I felt, like I was thingking about something what was wrong and I didn't know why. We were husband and wife, we were man and woman, who gave promise to love each other eternally, so why did this physical yearning felt so weird to me? I can tell now, I was simply scared. I wanted you, but I didn't know, how to tell it, how to ask for it, how to express my desire for your touch. I had no idea, what to do and like a fool, I was trying my finest dresses. Don't get me wrong, I had only two, but I was able to stand in front of mirror and observe myself for whole hour. Hair up or down? Should I wear make up? Should I wear underwear or just my dress? Wait for him in night dress, in my underwear or naked? Then is it necessary to wear make up?

Do you find it ridiculous? It is fine, laugh as you want, but I have never ever had this conversation about physical connection between man and woman. I was 18, when I was dragged from my hometown and 20, when I was dying on the frozen ground in Auschwitz. And things like sex was the last in my mind.

I was standing in front of mirror, lost in my thoughts, when you came home and I noticed you, when you came and stopped in the doorway and your slightly parted lips let out sharp exhale. "What is it?" I asked and you smirked briefly.

"You took my breath away," you said and came to me. You looked me in the eyes and placed your hands on my hips and in that moment, I realized, that I was standing there in your arms just in my underwear. My hair, that were now slightly under my ears, all messy, as I was repeatedly taking off and putting on clothes.

"Nikolaj," I whispered and you knew. There was no need to speak anymore, because my eyes told you all and with yours, you gave me the answer, before you kissed me. Tenderly at first, carefully, because you felt my body shaking in your arms. You gave me time and you were patient.

You proved me, Nikolaj, that there is truly God, because what I experienced was heaven's miracle. I am sure, that I wasn't your first, but I was grateful, that you were and you still are my one and only. My husband and my lover, gentle, passionate, considerate, patient.

How many times I have listened to complaints of other women, who were cheating, unfaithful and complaining about their husbands. Of course, that me and you argued and fought too multiple times, but we never went sleep angry, we made promise to go to bed and kiss each other and tell each other 'I love you'. And we keep that promise, even though sometimes it means, we don't get sleep or we at first fall in bed and repeat I love you during angry, desperate, yearning physical act, while we tear each other clothes down. I've never understood how could problems between woman and man, husband and wife could be solved by seeing other person, by cheating, by complaining and vilification.

And it all started with look. With prayer, when I was stretching my arm toward Death and it was you, who took it and said: "Not today."

You gave me son and you gave me daughter. It is like yesterday, when you came once home and your eyes studied me curiously, as you stopped in the middle of the room and I ran to your arms. My hair was already long, ends touching my shoulders and you tucked few locks behind my ear and kissed me deeply. You sat behind the table and wherever I went, your eyes followed me. Then, after I put a plate with dinner in front of you, you casually asked: "So, how will we call it? How about Samuel, if it is boy?"

"What?" I almost spat out food from my mouth, because your words amused and surprised me at the same time.

"My darling, my Chana," you kissed me again and you were smiling into that kiss, I could tell.

And you were right.

Samuel was born and you held him in your arms proudly, you observed him  for hours and spent every minute of your free time with him. You never missed a chance to tell me, how proud you were about me for being strong to give birth, to breastfeed, to wake up billion times, when Samuel was crying and we didn't know why, when he was teething and I took him to wrap as my mother and grandmother used to do and after that, he finally fell asleep. There, where he belonged, there where he felt safe. From belly to belly, where he could listen to the sound of my or your heartbeat.

My body has changed once again and I felt like a queen, because once it healed after labour, you worshiped me in bed every day.

"Not again," I chuckled, when you woke me up once in the middle kf the night with kisses, placing on my core.

"Yes, again," you whispered. "I want another baby with you, I want to see you pregnant again, blooming, shining, Chana, tell me, that you want the same, darling."

"I do," I recklessly agreed, even though Samuel was just one year old. But I didn't mind, I wanted it, I wanted to carry your baby, yes, I did.

This is how our Rachel was made. Our beautiful daughter.

We had to move, because one room for four people was no longer enough. And we bought ruin and you made it into home. With your hands, you worked hard lomg days and nights, tirelessly and one day, we was standing in the middle of our house. You, me and our little ones. Samuel running around us and Rachel in your arms. You always were the one, who was carrying our children, proudly, so everybody knew, whose surname they carry.

Sidorov.

What started as a nightmare continues as the most beautiful dream.

I was always afraid of dying, but it is not true anymore. I don't fear death, dying no longer scares me too.

Because you will either be by my side or you'll be already waiting for me in heaven.

My beloved.

Nikolaj.

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