#it was really SUCH a journey like. irl years in the making. like almost ten years when u think abt it. and i am damn proud of this.

[emathevampire]

A Reconsecration in Blood and Twilight

Happy Pride to everyone, but especially to my beloved prince in horns Askalaphos and his blackguard, Solar, an NPC from our Ravenloft campaign.

Once a devout paladin of the Morning Lord, then of Mother Night after his death, corrupt rebirth, and subsequent fall from grace as he pursued power no matter the cost in the pursuit of vengeance against Strahd... the aasimar blackguard Solar now learns what it is to be true to his own heart as the newest disciple of Askalaphos, a fallen demigod son of Ares and former slave to the Abyss slowly regaining his own spark of divinity and sense of purpose as he seeks an escape from the mists of Ravenloft. None of this would have been possible, however, had their mutual annoyance friend Rixa not been dead-set on saving the both of them from themselves, despite their belief that this was a hopeless cause... or if they had not joined forces to save her in return when she was captured by her nemesis. A long and dangerous road still lies between them and victory over Strahd, the Dark Powers, and the corruption that stains their very souls, but walk it they shall... after all, nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.

[toukatan]

i was listing all my favorite panels on the final chapter but i realized i listed almost every pages of it 🥺 no wonder this final chapter will be turned into postcards they are all beautiful 🥺 personally these are my favorites

i still haven't collected all my thoughts and i don't think i will ever be agdjdks all i feel since yesterday is just pure gratefulness. i'm just so incredibly happy that i got to witness this series unfold, grateful for all the people i came to be friends with along the way, lucky to be able to meet amazing bloggers, writers, content creators, fanfic writers and fanartists, and most of all, i'm entirely grateful because this series gave me opportunities to discover and ignite my love again in doing artworks, illustrations and contents to which i have already forgotten for years. it gave me a little confidence that i could be / could give something (it wasn't much i know xD but still, knowing me, i thought i'll never be able to create something) *pats my back*

i'm so happy that i really have enjoyed my stay here in the fandom because of you beni and to all the few people i became really friends with (you girls know who you are) and i love you all and cherish all the moments and crackheads stuffs we did. i remember that this roasting happened was because the angst is too much for us and that's why we have all come to an agreement to roast eren and everyone in the series. love that this community has been very helpful to me when i feel lonely and you all really did put a smile in my face. the way, we're all chaotic during chapter 123 and 138, we're all losing our minds(!) but my favorite moment will always be during 138 on how we're all betraying beni left and right front and back top to bottom 😂 it was definitely the most chaotic month we've ever been and i'm so moved on how respectful we are to each other and just chill here and vibe and just appreciate everything in the manga. it has been a joyous journey and i'll never forget this amazing experience with you all!

most of all, i thank isayama-sensei because if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be able to meet all of you! 😊💛 i cherish and adore you all! cheers to another end of an era and cheers to a new beginning! *coughs jjk roast era, i will join you soon when i catch up*

ayna it took me a whole ass week to reply to you because i didn’t wanna get all emotional again right after the chapter that i ran away to work and read other things in order to keep my mind off it please forgive me i could not handle the pain of messages like these, i was feeling too much. but now with a week gone i can collectively reply now!

but no for real, almost every single panel within chapter 139 is stunning. like if yams doesn’t consider making merch outta these i don’t know what to think!

everything you said in that paragraph i absolutely agree too— through the journey of snk we were all able to meet such amazing people no matter what it was we had to gush about. from writers, to artists, to graphic makers, to meta writers, to bloggers, to simply just enjoying the little things about snk we all found each other and that alone is a blessing. i’m so glad you found your love for art again ayna, like thank freaking god you came off anonie just so i could yell at you for being talented, stunning, never been seen before and everything in between. you’re amazing artist and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. i’m so glad snk was able to be your little paradise away from irl things— an escape with something you love with people joining you along the way adoring the same series with you.

honestly— i have no idea where the heck i would’ve been without you guys. no you don’t understand y’all really made my days and nights on end, any time i felt a little lost or out of it, you guys pulled me right back and outta there, i couldn’t be more thankful for every individual i’ve met on here. haha i remember it so well, everyone was being too angsty and we collectively decided no this ain’t it and started roasting every single little thing not matter what the heck it was. eren’s ass to his forehead please this was the peak of our culture ahdjwgjdbs oh my god not the 138 top ten anime betrayals. the way y’all went IM SO SORRY BENI AND I WAS LIKE DONT SAY SORRY THIS ON YOUE FJAGXHBWBS AND THEN WE STARTED GRILLING EACH OTHER INSTEAD HONESTLY WHAT THE HECK WERE WE DOING SHHDJSJDN i’ll cherish those days forever and more. the best days of my life— 🥺💗

i’m glad this safe space was able to make your days and you were able to meet new people. it makes me happy knowing you guys all respect one another and feel safe discussing anything and everything here. i loved seeing everyone get along from roasting to supporting each other with real life things. i honestly couldn’t have asked for more with my snk journey and im glad i was able to start it with you guys and end it with y’all. if i could do it all over again— i would in a heartbeat.

yes i will thank isayama here because without the man himself working so hard these past 11/12 years i wouldn’t have been able to meet y’all! yams you get that sauna and expect us to cry in there sir you did that and did it flawlessly. but no reals yams better get that sauna. i don’t accept no for an answer. cheers to snk and the journey we’ve had— i can’t wait for what’s next! AJKDBSJSNS JJK ROAST ERA? I THINK YES?

but no seriously. thank you for being apart of my snk journey— i love and adore every single one of y’all and couldn’t have asked for more. im honestly so glad i found you 🥺💗

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[wickedobsessed101]

Fanfic Writer Asks

[SOURCE: criminal-minds-fanfiction: Most of the writer ask posts I come across are only like ten or so questions long so I thought I’d try to make a longer one because we like talking about our writing! Feel free to reblog!]

I’m answering all of these b/c I love Q & A’s about my writing, both for my fics and other things.

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fanfiction? It was 2013, so I was 14 years old. I’m now almost 23.

2) What fandoms do you write for and do you have a particular favourite if you write for more than one? I’m mostly in the Wicked Musical fandom, but I like to read for other fandoms, like Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Chronicles of Narnia, ect.

3) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer. OCs, but I’m more than willing to create an OC for someone based on characteristics they give me.

4) What is your favourite genre to write for? I love me some fluffy romance and hurt/comfort, but I also love some angsty drama.

5) If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi-chaptered stories, which would it be and why? OMG, don’t make me choose! They’re all my babies! I love all my children equally! They all hold special places in my heart.

6) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why? Goodness, most of my stories prior to 2017, because I was in high school and had no idea what I was doing because I was just getting my feet wet with writing.

7) When is your preferred time to write? Anytime really. The latest I’ve stayed up writing a fic was 4AM. *Glares at ‘Threads of Truth’*

8) Where do you take your inspiration from? Where ever it happens to come up. I’m not picky. Movies, music, people I’ve seen on the street, random thoughts that enter my head, anything.

9) In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote? In ‘Threads of Truth’, it’s a tie between Villy’s first date, and an argument that happens in an upcoming chapter. And that’s all I’m saying about that.

10) In your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind? In ‘Play The Game’, I liked the epilogue ending that I gave Elphaba with her family, even without Fiyero. I like writing her with kids. Another ending would be with the Fiyeraba still together, but I’m satisfied with the ending it has.

11) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it? I’ll go back and fix typos that are pointed out, but I don’t change plot stuff. Like, I wrote what I wrote and I will amend my technique in future stories.

12) Who is your favourite character to write for? Why? Other than my OCs, because I get to fully create them and my lowkey babies, I’d have to say G(a)linda. She has so much potential and she’s so much fun.

13) Who is your least favourite character to write for? Why? Boq. Not because I hate him (I don’t!), but because I don’t normally know what to do with him. If he’s not with Nessa, he’s literally just standing there like a brick wall. No offence, Boq!

14) How did you come up with the title for the xxx? - You can ask about multiple stories. [Ask me about a specific story(ies)]

15) If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names? I usually change consonants and vowels to already existing names, or add unnecessary letters because... reasons.

16) How did you come up with the idea for xxx? [Ask me about a specific story]

17) Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on. “Hopefully, this will soak up any more leaks.” (Upcoming Wicked fanfic)

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them? Yes, 2. Both of them are a few years old and I’ve grown as a writer since then. Maybe one day, I’ll edit them and repost, but not anytime soon.

19) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to? Not everything can have a sequel, y’all! XD

20) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently? Yes! Around 60% of them.

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire? @vinkunwildflowerqueen @raven-curls @mylittleelphie @weaselspeedfanfic Ultimate Queen of Cliffies

22) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it? This goes back to Question #6; most of what I posted prior to 2017.

23) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence? Silence. I need to focus.

24) How do you feel about writing smutty scenes? I can’t write it. They’ll make out, and then be pregnant in the next chapter. Y’all can do the math for yourselves.

25) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story? YES! Yes, I have! Both sad tears and tears of joy. I’ve also cringed from second-hand embarrassment at the things the characters do and say. I’m not in control of their actions all the time. Sometimes they tell me what they’re gonna do, and I’m like, “Well, alright, then.”

26) Which part of your xxx fic was the hardest to write? [Ask me about a specific story]

27) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow? I write bullet points of things I want to happen in a chapter on the Word Doc, or in the story as a whole, and I try to keep those bullet points in order. And the Notes App on my phone holds a lot of my ideas, and sometimes full scenes.

28) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fanfiction? That I’d become obsessed with writing and continue doing it for almost ten years, as well as expanding to writing plays and musicals.

29) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like? Yeah. I’m not gonna say which one, but just know there’s one... or a few.

30) In contrast to 29 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at? Yes, and I’m still not gonna say which one(s). I want all the love!

31) Send me a fic recommendation and I’ll post it for my followers to see! (The asker is to send the rec, not the answerer) Yeah, sure!

32) Are any of your characters based on real people? Yes. Villy Doiir from ‘Threads of Truth’ is based on 4 people I know in real life, all mixed together into one wholesome, mother figure/ mentor. Perhaps that’s why I like writing her so much.

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten? All reviews keep me going, no matter the length. But I love it when people review saying that they picked up on little references that were really just for me. It makes me feel like we’ve shared a moment.

34) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten? A guest reviewer once said, “You tend to write Fiyero as an abusive person”. It wasn’t harsh, just... NOT TRUE. Especially for the story they were reviewing.

35) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest? Close to my chest. I’ll share it with the world when I’m ready.

36) Can you give us a spoiler for one of your WIP’s? NOPE! You’ll just have to wait and see! LOL!

37) What’s the funniest story you’ve written? I... really don’t know. My stories all have their funny moments.

38) If you could collab with any other writer on here, who would it be? (Perhaps this question will inspire some collabs!) If you’re shy, don’t tag the blog, just name it. I’m very busy, and collabs aren’t really my thing, but I’m always willing to lend an extra pair of eyes pre-posting.

39) Do you prefer first, second or third person? I’ve written one story in the first person and it was fun to get into the character’s head, but I love third person, cause I like knowing what everyone is thinking. Second person makes me feel a certain way and that don’t really like.

40) Do people know you write fanfiction? IRL, no. It’s not something I bring up over dinner. I’ll talk about my plays and musicals, but not fanfiction. I like keeping my fics for the online peeps and my more personal writings for the RL peeps.

41) What’s you favourite minor character you’ve written? My OC, Princess Hannalyn, from ‘A Royal Romance’. She was so much fun!

42) Song fic - What made you decide to use the song xxx for xxx. I haven’t done a song fic.

43) Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it? Not fully, but they’ve had little inklings, but certain details were still a surprise. And I’m not mad about it.

44) What is the last line you wrote? “I don’t want this to be the last time we see each other.”

45) What spurs you on during the writing process? When I’ll have one idea, and it spirals into many others, and when the characters write themselves. It makes it so much easier for me. Sometimes they tell me that they’re about to make a bad decision, and I just go along with it. They need to learn and grow somehow.

46) I really loved your xxx fic. If you were ever to do a sequel, what do you think might happen in it? [Ask me for a specific story]

47) Here’s a fic title - insert a made up title. What would this story be about? [Ask me]

48) What’s your favourite trope to write? I love a good Royalty AU (not fully AU ‘cause of our princey-prince, but still) and Holiday AUs. And I’ve never written a Coffeeshop AU, but I LOVE reading them. I’ll read anything. I’m not picky, and I love to see what ideas others have.

49) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about? Yes, and both of them were Gelphies: 1 - “Easier Said Than Done” by mecelphie - It’s part of a long, wonderful series of Elphaba and Glinda together at Shiz and how their lives evolve together and has many lovable OCs. 2 - “The Thropp Diaries” by denpa wave chick saki - It’s first-person Elphaba POV of the book. It expands on lots of mentioned moments and we get to journey through Elphaba’s thoughts.

50) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? I’d have to say fluff, so I can get my escape from reality. But it’s hard to write pure fluff without a little bit of conflict.

If you wanna read my stories, they’re all right here: Fae’sFlower

[inumaqi]

top ten tagged by @linkspooky 🍊 explanations under the cut! sorry for rambling xo → rules: name your top ten favourite characters from ten different fandoms, and then tag ten people - @osomanga @kara-suno @anonimarevolts @zeninmaki @wildbishonen @shysheeperz @tkmewthyou @kaldurlenn @joxterism @marshmallowdonutsprinkles

snufkin okay so he’s the only one not from an anime or manga but i had to put him on bc he’s the most important fictional character to me, ever. i grew up watching the moomin cartoons in the 90s and thinking about it instantly calms me down - they used to air the episodes early in the morning when it would still be dark outside: the landscapes were moody and cosy, the characters were so softly spoken and articulate... it’s just peak nostalgia. anyway, snufkin is moomin’s best friend; he returns to moominvalley every year to be with his friends during the spring and says his goodbyes to go adventure again come winter. it upsets moomin when he leaves but snufkin is adamant that quiet and solitude are important and healthy, and it’s not fair to expect him to compromise on his independence - that made a really big impact on me as a kid, especially as someone who never really had their ‘own’ space (twinsies). relationships aren’t weakened by physical distance or time, they’re about communication and understanding. that was important too. i don’t think i realised just how influential it had been until i was an adult but snufkin is an anarchist. he first shows up in the comics when moomin and sniff are talking about opening a bank - he tells them they should plant fruit trees instead. he destroys private property and rescues orphans, he refuses to participate in things that don’t bring him joy. when he’s asked where home is, he replies, “nowhere. or everywhere! it depends how you look at it” - the whole world belongs to him, and the whole world belongs to everyone else too.

yomo renji in general, i like characters that trudge along in the background and do the nitty-gritty work that supports the main story. i like people like that irl too. more than anything else, yomo is desperate to form human connections, even though he’s shackled by self-doubt and self-loathing. he just wants to positively contribute to a community, thinking he’s most useful keeping a quiet eye on people who might need protection/guidance (while still giving them space to grow and act themselves) or foraging for human corpses so that others aren’t in danger or moral anguish doing it for themselves.

bird boy is a total weapon - “the perfect ghoul” - and you’re reminded over and over again but a lot of his growth is about rejecting violence and repurposing his power as something productive that he can use to help the people around him instead of hurting people (the yang to uta’s yin). in the first few chapters, he says he kills humans (he’s a ghoul, humans are food, it’s natural) and yet he’s consistently framed as a scavenger who seeks out ‘roadkill’ [suicide victims] for sustenance, even before coming to anteiku, and implements a system so other people can do the same.

suguru getou i was originally gonna say meg bc i love him but, having just finished The Flashback Arc, i can’t stop thinking about getou and i’m beyond impressed with how akutami has managed to ground him so well, so sympathetically. getou is the sick, warped darkness to the hopeful light that gojou commands but... in an uncomfortable twist, the reverse is true, kind of.

actually, gojou is arrogant and confrontational and hyper individualistic. he’s a dissident. getou is obedient, compassionate, self-aware... he has a sense of social responsibility and passionately believes that his skills should be used to protect those who can’t protect themselves - non-jujutsu sorcerers - and all of the suffering he endures as a result is worth that. idk if others are reading his downfall differently but, from where i’m standing, that overwhelming responsibility never goes away, he doesn’t give up on it - he just starts to view the social landscape differently and begins to see how jujutsu sorcerers are vilified and mistreated in spite of all the good that they do. the ‘weak’ aren’t really weak when they’re able to organise and assert collective power over a minority, and so his sympathies shift.

the nail in the coffin for getou is learning that the hurt and pain could be eradicted from the world by cutting the head of the proverbial snake: non-jujutsu users generate cursed energy, so get rid of non-jujutsu users and cursed energy won’t be generated. it’s all horribly, weirdly rooted in good intentions that weigh him down and misdirect him.  shinazugawa genya i feel like the bond that slowly starts to develop betwen tanjirou, and zenitsu and inosuke (in particular) is nicely foiled by genya’s lonely journey towards becoming a pillar. after losing almost all of his family and having sanemi walk away, genya is angry, antisocial, rude, violent, evasive...

he’s characterised as competitive, as if he hates his peers and wants to leave them in the dust as an act of self-satisfaction, a power fantasy or whenever, but this is a deliberate misdirection to cover for the fact that he’s scrambling to be a pillar so that he can reconnect with his brother and prove to him that he can protect himself; that sanemi doesn’t need to shoulder everything alone like he used to. his entire goal is an act of apology.

and in a story where so many characters are able to hone these exceptional skills, genya is uniquely disadvantaged as the only one who can’t master breathing techniques. rather than having a hero moment and powering up, his need to reconnect with sanemi is so strong that he essentially decides to compromise his humanity and become a kind of monster by ingesting the demons he’s pledged to annihilate. amajiki tamaki i wish i had a a longer explanation for this one but it’s actually super simple: tamaki is a really, really, really good portrayal of a person burdened with severe anxiety. the way he physically carries himself, the way he hides his face, his manner of speaking, his dependency on his mirio, how he interprets compliments as trickery, how he needs to be pushed and pushed and pushed before he’s finally able to release his potential... every single scene with tamaki felt deeply personal when i was reading bnha and i knew exactly what he was supposed to be feeling. shinmon benimaru sometimes good, nice people don’t fit a little friendly mould and i like that benimaru is hostile and rough and antisocial, even with people he cares about. he doesn’t expect anything of people, he doesn’t want them interfering with him, and he wants to help and support them all the same because he believes in community. he’s completely oppositional to the special fire force because he thinks it’s a tool to pursue an ideology rather than to protect people, which is why it’s so important when the eighth are finally able to win his approval - they become the only company the seventh consider allies, and it’s proof that their objectives are righteous. despite his reputation as... kind of a nuisance, his skill is acknowledged by everyone and he’s universally regarded as the strongest fire soldier there is. in spite of his antisocial attitude, he agrees that it’s important to share that with younger fire soldiers - he’s incredibly patient and understanding with them, helps them to individually adapt. the way he (and others in company seven) operate in contrast to the other companies when fighting infernals is really cool to me for two reasons: (1) it provides a commentary on how cultures and traditions often struggle to survive when they’re systematically (forcefully) replaced through power and wealth - although the subtext is a little troubling because it’s unclear whether ōkubo is conflating multiculturalism with globalisation which, uh, big nope; and (2) philosophically speaking, the approach to death is interesting. where the other companies essentially perform last rites and offer absolution to the deceased, benimaru personally takes responsibility - at the request of the people in his district - for sending them off in huge public display, kind of like a festival intending to celebrate their life. i think it speaks to how profoundly he values life. akihiko kaji i liked akihiko from the beginning because he’s stoic and introspective and also excitable and dumb. he’s a people watcher and waits for opportunities to softly guide uenoyama and mafuyu when they’re quietly crying out for help but doesn’t interfere any more than he thinks is necessary because he knows they can make their own way to where they need to go. i liked akihiko even more when he got really fucking messy. his relationship with ugetsu is sweet and it’s incredibly ugly and unhealthy because they both fail utterly to communicate with one another - they’re both to blame for avoiding and hurting each other, and i think that’s a really normal issue that people find difficult to overcome. i’m super interested (and really nervous) to see how his relationship with haruki develops. he’s done some horrible things to haruki and i want him to be accountable for those things and have them affect their relationship in a realistic way.

tanigaki genjirou one thing i really, really love about golden kamuy is the way noda satoru incorporates the importance of minority cultures into the story, and tanigaki’s apparent abandonment of his matagi heritage is really beautifully written. matagi hunting traditions shaped his life as a young man, it’s how he was able to really assimilate to the people around him and form relationships and - without getting too spoilery - he divorces himself from it all when he’s overcome by grief and hatches a plan for revenge against the person responsible. so, by allowing himself to surrender to negative feelings and thoughts instead of seeking support and learning to heal from what happened, he becomes a total shadow of himself. 

makimura takeshi i know i’ve gushed about it before but i can’t properly explain just how incredible it felt seeing an asexual character in manga dialogue about being asexual, and devils’ line does it twice. the reason i’m so attached to makimura in particular is because he doesn’t seem to have fully figured it out - and he’s kinda... comfortable with that. he wants to be with someone and he wants to be monogamous but he can’t understand why he doesn’t feel sexual desire towards her; he knows his feelings aren’t platonic but doesn’t know whether they can really be called romantic either.

not to go dark mode but i very vividly remember just how lonely and horrifying it was battling with those uncertainties when i was a teenager, thinking i was broken because i didn’t have Normal Human Feelings and needed to be fixed. i was so worried about it that i thought about all the boys i knew, picked the one i thought was the nicest and actively tried to develop a crush on him. it was dumb as fuck but, ten years later, i realise it was really desperate and sad too. i forced myself to have ~my first kiss~ (it was horrible) because i felt like i was getting left behind and i think i would’ve put myself in worse situations as i got older if i hadn’t suffered with such bad social anxiety.

i hadn’t really thought too much about a lot of this stuff for yeaaars but it all came flooding back when i was reading devils’ line. it was bittersweet bc i was remembering all of those shitty feelings but also watching this character grapple with those same questions and go: i don’t know yet and that’s not weird, let’s just grow with it. i still don’t totally know whether i’m ace or aro or bi, or whatever, but i’m trying to be okay with just... not knowing.

misora shuuji anyway, devils’ line isn’t actually a manga with a specific focus on sexuality and gender but shimanami tasogare is and all of the characters are written beautifully. if you haven’t read it yet... then why haven’t you read it yet? misora is only about twelve years old and watching them battle with their growing pains is really compelling - they’re closeted but, through the lounge, they have somewhere to explore their gender and all the questions they have about it. they’re amab and present as traditionally feminine wrt clothes, wigs, makeup, etc. but can’t quite tell if they see themselves as a girl, a boy or non-binary.

with the onset of puberty and anxieties about physical changes to their body, misora’s story puts a lot of emphasis on the pressure they face to just ‘make up their mind’ about something that’s actually incredibly complex and doesn’t have any easy answers. they snap and shout and get upset, especially when tasuku (the protag) tries to push them into a corner because he wants a concrete label or identity he can attach to misora, even though space is exactly what misora needs.

[wildbootsappeared]

Continental Divides Chapter Discussion #0: Humble Origins/Editing and Rewriting

I recently enjoyed hearing Negrek talk about the behind-the-scenes of the most recent chapter of Salvage and was inspired: I figure some of you might be interested in hearing some of that type of thing for Divides, too. CD touches on some pretty complicated subjects (historical events and politics and glazed-over-science) that are worth teasing apart a little more. So I’m going to start slowly adding in some chapter reflection posts! Keep in mind that these will probably be full of spoilers, and you’ll want to get caught up before you read em. 

If you want to hear me talk about something specific, feel free to shoot me a question.

(By the way, if you’re not reading Salvage yet—fam, get on my level. I’d describe it as a black humor odd-couple tale of … friendship??? Hm, that’s definitely not the right word, is it? Anyway! Featuring: an absolute goblin of a pokemorph, dismemberment, corruption, and Very Good Decisions. And lovely prose, by the way.)

With that, let’s get into it!

(CD spoilers below!)

Art by Giulia Bernardelli 

From Humble Origins

I’ve mentioned before that Mark and Natalie were my first original characters. They were side characters in my first ever fic from … god, 2003 or 2004-ish? So in many ways, they’ve grown up with me.

I learned about fanfic shortly after Ruby and Sapphire came out in the US, so of course baby OSJ had to try her hand at a Hoenn journey fic. I’m really sad that I don’t have a copy of the original text anymore because it was hilariously bad. You see, Brendan and May had to run away from home (instead of just … journeying like every other trainer?) because they were IN LOVE (after, like, a day and a half at most) but their parents WOULDN’T LET THEM BE TOGETHER. The story featured dazzling moments of creative genius like … Brendan and May “sneaking” into Rustboro at the wee hour of 10 am, whereupon May ran into a lamp post somehow. 

Later, Mark and Natalie appear to yell at our poor heroes and then at each other. Lots of yelling. In their first inception, Mark and Nat were basically discount Jesse and James but with less dress-up and queer subtext. Mark had a glorious moment of running while dragging his feet (?). Also, during a double battle against Brendan and May, I forgot about his zubat, so it fainted because “it was tired from flying,” despite having no feet and despite taking zero hits during the fight. Then Mark took shelter from the rain under a tree, where Natalie yelled at him some more and decided for both of them that they had to team up “temporarily” to get the red and blue orbs back from those meddling kids or something. I had grand plans for this whole plot where Natalie would kidnap May to get the orbs, but then May would end up in Magma’s hands (like a human hot potato), and Brendan would have to rescue her??? Something, something, Mark and Natalie see the error of their ways and team up to help Brendan and May … do stuff?

Anyway, I never finished it, and that’s definitely for the best.

I did revisit Mark and Natalie a few years later, though, this time for a story of their own called Out of Hand. I didn’t finish that one either, but I do have the original text this time (plus snarky comments and a “review” from me ten years after the fact). I can’t honestly tell you it was … good. Maybe good-for-a-highschooler. But! When I stumbled upon it again in 2018, there was enough in it that almost worked that I started to think about how I’d handle those themes and characters as an adult.

A lot has changed since then, but that 2010 draft of Out of Hand established some of the skeleton of Continental Divides. For example, that was when Archie became Natalie’s brother to help explain how she got involved in Aqua. I decided to keep that structure because it was a good way to let Natalie start as a neutral party/reader proxy and then quickly become embroiled in the conflict. It was also the first time Mark’s sister appeared, though I don’t think I’d decided what to do with her at the time except to use her as decorations in his angsty dreams, haha. His smoking habit also started in 2010. I, too, thought he’d quit “years ago,” in literal real time. Jokes on me—it turned out to be a useful way to signal the start of him losing control, the negative influence of Cora/Magma in his life, his hypocrisy, and his guilty feelings about things he’s burned. Scarlet appeared for the first time in this draft, too. I think I was equal parts trying to humanize Archie and to write my way through feelings about growing apart from/pining for someone. Her backstory took up a disproportionate number of pages in the old draft, but I liked the idea of keeping her around as a figure who could complicate Natalie’s relationship with Aqua and with Archie. The 2010 has  a couple fights between Mark and Natalie that I respect for bringing real danger to the protagonists ... but also can’t help laughing at. They literally fight until they tumble over a waterfall, like a cartoon. Silly as those scenes are, you can also see how they laid a foundation for scenes like the fight in Chapter 9.

CD is basically me responding to Out of Hand with, “I see you and I raise you.” 

2010-OSJ had some vague feelings about inequality and environmentalism, but none of it was very well thought-out. She mostly wanted to tell an enemies-to-lovers story, in part because she thought she was living in one IRL. Nowadays, I’ve got a lot of feelings about climate change, political divisions, activism and responsibility, corporations, policing, and whether or not violence is a good answer to certain kinds of questions. Hoenn is a safe space to explore those feelings. (It’s got pokemon, so it’s inherently more fun, right???) 

Kyogre and Groudon are such obvious parallels to sea level rise/more intense storms and rising temperatures/wildfires respectively that I couldn’t resist. And in Magma/Aqua I see a lot of parallels to political conflicts happening in the US right now. The far left and the far right don’t share a vision of what a “better world” would look like, but they do share a mutual mistrust of “the swamp” and all the ways the government tag-teams with corporations to dunk on ordinary people. I’d love to believe that someday we could team up across the aisle to fight corruption together. It’s certainly hard to imagine how we could get to a better world with one half of the country pitted against each other … Something has got to give eventually, probably not peacefully. 

My versions of Magma and Aqua aren’t exact parallels to the US political left and right—both are pretty left-leaning, for one—but I still find a lot of hope in the idea of two enemies from rival factions learning to (eventually) care for one another and work together towards common goals. At the very least, it’s something I can manifest and control on the page, and that makes me feel better about all the things I can’t control.

Editing and Rewriting

My first attempt at Continental Divides was inarguably an improvement on earlier versions of Mark and Natalie … but it still took quite a bit of rewriting to get to the draft that’s available to read now. The first draft in 2018 opened with what’s now Chapter 3, the protest in Rustboro. I had the right idea with “starting at the beginning,” but starting with an action scene was the wrong move: we didn’t know enough about Natalie to care when she was in trouble or to understand why she was making any of those choices. Moreover, even though the political content is important, this is ultimately still an enemies-to-lovers story: the beginning needed to center Mark and Natalie’s relationship. You know, to establish some interest before it all implodes. The next attempt ran a little long, though, and the current version condenses their initial meeting and Nat’s backstory much better. Maybe the next time I start a new project I’ll have an easier time knowing what makes a good starting point, but this time there was a lot of swinging back and forth to find a balance.

If you’re interested in seeing how my first chapter changed over time, you can see that here.

I’m really happy to have a first chapter I know is a solid representation of the subject matter, tone, and writing level of the later chapters. Getting stuck in an editing loop is a real danger … but if you’re ever going to edit part of your fic, let it be the first chapter. A good first chapter is critical to keeping potential readers onboard. I can tell from feedback that I’ve stuck the landing now.

Hope you enjoyed this not-so-little reflection on the origins of this story!

Some music (Spotify links):

Night of the Long Knives - Everything Everything

MMMMHMMMMM - Four Fists

[pruebopruebapruebe]

30 days of autism acceptance 2020 part 4

Day 16.  Talk about treatment.  Have you been through any therapies?  What ones did you like?  Which ones didn’t you like?  Do you think autistic people need therapy for their autism?

Treatment? What is there to “treat”? I don’t think we need therapy for the autism. I do think a lot of autistic people need therapy because the system abuse us and that’s a way to keep ourselves mentally healthy. 

I have went to therapy with different professionals before my selfdiagnose. I don’t have a good relationship with professionals from the mental health. I have went to them since I was a child and no one ever told me I was autistic, and sadly you can not say that they could have “missed” it. One of them knew me for about ten years, as a kid and a teen.

I used to have this mixed feelings… that professionals didn’t want to help me, and if they wanted, they didn’t know how to do it but weren’t telling me. Or, alternatively, they didn’t know how to help me, and if they knew, they didn’t want to. I had this feeling that I was being not helped, but studied and observed for their own interests. But I have always thought about it as me being paranoid because I knew I am a case of study [almost for reasons unrelated to autism].

They tried behavior therapy and other cognitive approaches, but I always felt something odd and wrong about it. I wanted to talk about my emotions and feelings and understand them, but they changed the topic always to the behaviour and that made me feel suspicious. Sessions drained me from the remains of energy I had and I didn’t notice big changes in me. They helped me, of course, somehow, but not enough. I went to therapy because of family issues and trauma, keep going because there was something strange in me, and now I’m going to balance my life, at least, after understanding what was really happening to me.

When my hope was disappearing, when I got stuck in my process and therapy wasn’t adding anything to my recovery and was hell, I took the decision to take it in my hands. I knew it was difficult for me to put my thoughts and emotions in words for another person, let alone a professional, in an unfamiliar room. I knew there were things I was keeping for myself that I could not say into the world, nor write. I knew there was something different, something we weren’t working on. I started investigating, reading, analysing myself in a new level. After all, I already had that kind of thoughts, I was just touching the surface, maybe if I dipped in and worked those thoughts to scratch, to the bone, I could take them out of my mind.

At this time I had already made a big part of the journey. For years I knew about unconnected issues that I couldn’t quite name, that worried me. I had worked on them, identifying them and giving them solutions. I felt tired of life, I had worked so much and I didn’t see an end for my existential dilemma. I knew I didn’t have much more energy for keeping on healing and living. So I decided to use that last charge to the maximum, and push farther than I ever did before. My mind was always my last lair, and I was afraid that the last safe space, the only safe space that I could ever count with, was corrupted in it’s roots. If that was the case, I had to discover it by myself because no one else could say it from the outside, or else they would have told me, right?

I used different “techniques” to analyse my cognitive process, response to triggers, feelings and emotions. For example, I knew victims of abuse never recover completely, but I also knew that exposition to triggers was a hard but effective therapy. I needed to recover memories, to control reactions, to normalice concepts and ideas, to understand the biology of trauma, to identify sequels and their mechanisms… And I was totally decided to go hardcore with this. It was my last charge of energy so I was going down with it, I was giving it my 100%.

Now I have a therapist who does put the attention on my feelings and not on how do I have to behave and I appreciate the change, I like this kind of therapy more than the old ones.

Day 17.  Talk about empathy.  Many people think autistics do not have empathy.  What’s your experience with empathy?  Are you hyper empathic or not empathic at all?

Empathy is used differently in different contexts. I think that people that thinks that autistics do not have empathy are conchasdesusmadres [motherfuckers] with no imagination nor empathy themselves. First of all, they are conchasdesusmadres for thinking that the worlds revolves around them so if “we” can not undertand them, is because “we” are incapable of feeling like them, and never cross their mind the idea that this goes both ways so they themselves lack empathy with us. I mean, they talk about us as if we owe them undertanding but they do not owe us shit.

I am hyper empathic, or at least I can put myself in other people position and know what they are feeling by logic and my knowledge of them and feel something from it. I can pick moods by body language, but when I fell in the abyss of extreme burn out I felt like my capacity of “naturally” read people was in the floor.

I don’t want to talk more about this, it makes me sad and gives me suicide thoughts. The first reason my therapist gave me to disregard autism was my empathy. Days after that a teacher told me “you are ASD, aren’t you? [yeah idk uhmm] You don’t have empathy [yes I do]. No you don’t”. I have this shit stuck in my mind in a loop and it’s been half a year.

Day 18.  Talk about functioning labels.  What is your opinion about functioning labels?  Where are you on the spectrum?  If you don’t like functioning labels how would you describe your functioning ability?

Functioning labels are a myth, promote discrimination, are a problem for diagnose and are a fucking lie. I hate them. Me? I was passing. I am “high functional”. And because of that I could have live a miserable life or commited suicide. But I was lucky, because all the mental, emotional and phisical overwork I did last year [for my second career] “lowered” my capacities. I didn’t know what was happening to me, to my body, but at some point I wasn’t high functional anymore. Autistic traits came one by one (or previous traits got out of control or become more intense). That allowed me to self diagnose. That would not have happened if functioning labels were real.

I think that we are more or less functional depending on the context and environment and that funcioning labels are better suited for being used by everyone of us as a personal, daily measurement, under the premise of it constantly changing based on mood, energy, environment, health, stress, etc.

Day 19.  Talk about your struggles and strengths.  What things are difficult for you because you are autistic?  What are the positives of being autistic?  Do you have a special skill or talent?

Being new in places with a status quo is difficult for me. People sometimes think I’m mad when I’m not and that isn’t good for relationships.

The positives of being autistic are all me. All of me. Everything in me. Everything that I am. My soul, my mind, my values, my experiences, my body, my senses, my relation with the world and humanity. And, of course, my skills.

Day 20.  Talk about communication.  Are you verbal? Nonverbal? Partially verbal?  How do you usually communicate?

Communication can be very hard specially if the other part is… like most people: bad at communication. BUT, maybe because of it being difficult, I do communicate when is needed. Anyway at the worst point last year it was extremely difficult for me. Words failed me and my voice was failing too.

This may come as a surprise to people I know irl, but I have came to the conclusion that, while I like to talk and I have a good vocabulary, it can be difficult for me to know what I want to say and then say it. In fact, I can lose speech or have problems remembering the words, so I would say that I am semi-nonverbal. I have even noticed that I do, indeed, use a lot of sounds to talk [onomatopeias]. I have also discovered that I have a lot of stimmings that are, in fact, concepts I want to communicate, and even before knowing about autism I noticed that [all the times? most of the times? sometimes? depending on the times?] it was easier for me to write than to talk. It still is, apparently.

[comebackseasonisamess]

The Fact (In All It’s Glory)

Hansol/Vernon | angst

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: Descriptions of self-loathing, worthlessness

Summary: Follow up of Before The Fact. (You can read this without having read the other fic) Just as quickly as you got together, you and Hansol split apart. And apparently it affects both of you equally as much…

A/N: I do mention some IRL names and labels in this fic. I would like to say that this fic in no means reflects reality, and is a figment of my imagination sprinkled with a bit of my opinions in it. Also it’s so incredibly hard to find some angsty!Hansol gifs out there…

While I’m posting this, I am so sorry if (on mobile specifically) there’s just a long text blurb I’ve been trying to fix it but it isn’t working and I am so sorry just skip over this if you’re uninterested

It’s with a heavy heart that you tell Hansol that it’s over. His eyes well up with tears, and his breathing becomes heavy. He grips at your shirt, begging you to tell him what he did wrong and how he can fix it.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” You utter the most cliched phrase in the history of breakups. Because it’s true. If it weren’t for your inability to ignore what people say about you, the you they didn’t know and theorized about behind lit-up screens, of your relationship with Hansol, the two of you would still be together.

Hansol’s crouched on the ground, trying to stop himself from crying in the middle of the park where you had your second date, where he had kissed you for the first time after you slipped on an ice patch and fell flat on your ass.

You reach a hand out, as if to comfort him, but pause halfway through the action and pull your hand back to your body as quickly as if you were burned. You’re not sure if you should say anything else to him. “I just - I -” you start. “I can’t explain why,” you finish quietly. You swallow, and lower your gaze.

He looks up at you, sorrow deep in his eyes. “Just go,” he whispers with the broken beginnings of sobbing.

You turn on your heel, walking away normally at first, then quicker. You bring your palms up to your eyes, wiping away the tears trickling from them. You almost manage to hold it all in through the bus ride back home, head down and hands clasped, until a few droplets leave your eyes, and some kind stranger passes you a tissue. When you finally open the door to the apartment you’ve been sharing with Hansol for the past several months, you break down.

Tears running down your face, heartbreak strong enough to make you forget how to breathe, you lean against the door of your apartment, cuddling Hansol’s hoodie. You cry through the night, stopping briefly for ten minutes a time, before sobbing some more.

The next morning, skin and lips dried up, eyes sore, throat thick with mucus and tongue heavy in your mouth, you finally stop. There are no more tears you can cry. You’ve cried through the night, maybe getting two hours of sleep in total. You pick yourself off the floor on unsteady feet, fighting to get yourself to the kitchen where you can splash water in your face and rehydrate yourself.

After trying to pull yourself together in your kitchen, you collapse onto your bed, and the cycle repeats itself for the next four days.

On the fourth day, Hansol sends his manager to pick up his things. His manager goes from room to room, picking up his clothes and his toiletries and his most prized possessions, but you manage to hide the hoodie. The hoodie that you stole from him in those first budding weeks of your relationship and never gave back. The hoodie that you drenched in your tears.

Hansol’s manager glares at you on the way out, two rolling bags trailing behind him and a carry on strapped over his shoulders. You flinch under his gaze.

And then you get the first message, from Seungkwan.

How could you do this to him? He’s been nothing but good to you.

You don’t respond.

Twenty minutes later, he texts again.

Couldn’t you just be grateful for him? You’ve completely shattered his heart.

You, once more, don’t respond. By this point, you’ve sank your body into an overflowing bathtub, trying to drown your sorrows in Lush perfumed water.

When you get out, the messages have quintupled.

Seungkwan: I hope you’re proud of yourself.

He hasn’t stopped crying.

Joshua: I don’t know why you did it

You better have a better reason than “it’s not you, it’s me.”

He hasn’t got out of bed

We have to force him into a shower

To feed him

He’s legit gonna die and it’ll be your fault

Chan: In the park?? Really??? Pardon my French, but how much more of a bitch can you get?

Wonwoo: I know I should be supporting Hansol, but you’re also my friend.

Are you ok?

You look through the messages, considering whether you should answer them. You decide to go to bed, not wanting to deal with the rising pool of anxiety in your stomach.

You have a sleepless night, thinking about the message Wonwoo sent you. You want to call him and tell him that no, you aren’t ok, and you don’t think you’ll ever be ok, especially without Hansol by your side.

Calling : My Soulmate

“The person you are trying to reach is unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep.”

You hang up.

You decide that staying in your apartment all day will do you no good.

You get up and make breakfast for once. A glass of orange juice, half a cup of coffee and some toast with butter. You get into the shower, wash off your body and your hair for the first time since you broke up with Hansol. You put on jeans and a starched shirt, good, sensible clothes that can’t become PJs, and you step out of the door.

You’re not sure what you’re going to do. Maybe the movies? You heard that the newest Marvel movie just came out. Or maybe you should go to the quiet little bookshop hidden in the alleyway seven blocks down from your apartment? The only issue is that those are all places you shared with Hansol, and you don’t want to be anywhere near them. You don’t want to deal with all the nostalgia that comes with the area.

You make your decision in the elevator ride down your complex. Your fridge is empty, so you’ll go grocery shopping. Hansol never went grocery shopping with you, he was normally too busy working.

So you make your way to the cornerstore that’s been owned by the same couple for the last twenty years (you would know, you once struck up a conversation with them over proprietorship.) You scan through the close aisles for the things you absolutely need, but you know you’ll have to hop on the bus and go to one of the bigger grocery stores to get the remaining groceries.

When you step outside, it’s started raining. It seems the heavens themselves don’t believe in the lies you tell yourself to keep on going. It’s also at that moment that Wonwoo calls you back. You answer it, stepping under the awning above the store.

“… Hey.”

“Oh thank God, finally. I thought I’d never reach you, I’ve called you at least twelve times.”

“I didn’t hear my phone ring, sorry.”

“Are you ok?”

“Can I be honest?” you say bluntly.

“Shoot.”

“I’m not. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, it was only this morning that I got myself out of bed and washed my hair, I haven’t talked to anyone, I feel like shit, and opening my phone and seeing all of the texts roll in isn’t helping.” You pause. “I… Just wanna talk to someone.”

“Well then talk. I’ll always listen to you.”

You don’t know how to formulate what comes next. Where do you start with your journey of self-hatred and resentment? How do you explain that because you can’t be happy about yourself, you could never make Hansol happy? “You know how when me and Hansol started dating, you guys weren’t huge fans?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, I guess I took that to heart. And with all the comments online, of all the fans who are angry that he’s no longer fully theirs, I couldn’t do it. I felt like I was living a lie. Who am I to decide that I am good enough for Hansol? The last relationship I had lasted two months before he broke up with me because I was too boring. Too clingy and too childlike. I felt worthless. But when I met Hansol, something clicked inside me. I had the courage to ask him out, even though I thought I was worthless. I thought to myself after that date: Here’s someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. Here’s someone who brings me limitless joy, who makes me laugh so hard that I cry. And then to know that the people closest to him didn’t support our relationship? That crushed me. I mean, I understand why, long-distance relationship with an idol and all, but it was so disappointing. Yet still, I could have dealt with that. Put on my big girl pants, so to speak, and pretended like I was fine. The straw that broke the camel’s back were the fans. How could they say such awful things about me? It wasn’t even confirmed! All because he spent more time out of Korea than in it! It was an internet theory that was going around, and somehow people still could write ‘she’s just an ugly bitch’ or ‘she probably pays him’ or ‘must be a slut.’ And some comments even asked for Hansol’s removal from the group! I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t. I’m just- I’m so tired, Wonwoo.”

“Sweetie… I don’t know what to say. I wish I was there to hug you.”

“I’m not even angry. I’m just sad. So sad and tired. I’ve spent the last five days crying because I miss him so much. He really felt like my one and only, Wonwoo. I just -” At this point, your voice broke and silent tears started to make their way down your face. “I miss him so much, Wonwoo. But I can’t go back to him. I can’t go back, when I can’t even promise him that I’ll be ok. That I’m ok. That he can take care of me and expect me to do the same in return to him. How can I when I can’t even take care of myself? It’s not fair on him, Wonwoo.” You sniffle.

“I simultaneously want to shake out your stupidity, because Hansol doesn’t give a shit about any of that, and hug you and tell you you’re worth everything.” You hear him sigh over the line. You imagine he’s pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m seriously considering boarding a flight to Chicago to be with you.”

Your heart sinks. “No! Please don’t! I don’t want to be more of a bother… People are actually gonna have a problem with me if you’re not present with the group… You guys have an album out in, like, a month? You can’t, Wonwoo. Just stay in Korea. I’ll be ok.” With that, you cut off his chances of dissuading you and hang up. You walk through the rain to your apartment, and ignore all of the calls and texts he sends you.

Within the month, the newest Seventeen song is out. The promotion’s going well, but the fans can tell something’s up. Hansol isn’t smiling as much, he seems so out of it (you would know, you’d been keeping up with their content, torturing yourself with the only way you can see his face.) On top of that, he avoids Wonwoo as much as he can (which is no easy feat, considering they’re in the same subunit.) And then the netizens broke out, slinging allegations upon allegations. Some say the company wasn’t doing a good job making sure everyone was rested, others wonder if something was up with his family. As for Hansol and Wonwoo’s relationship, they chalk it up to some brotherly disagreement, until the worst possible thing happens: pictures of you and Hansol together begin circulating, courtesy of a certain media outlet rhyming with “latch”.

Nothing too scandalous, but between the hand holding and the loving gaze captured in Hansol’s eyes, everyone can tell that you’re the person responsible for his change of personality, his heartbreak. And with your face very visible, netizens do some quick, terrifying recon work, find your Instagram page, and bombard you with hate. It’s the scariest thing to happen to you in a while, and you end up deleting your account completely, and shutting off your phone. Words like “whore” and “slut” and “two timing bitch” are thrown around like petty insults. One comment really stood out to you: “I should’ve known, you slut. You slept with Hansol-oppa, then with Wonwoo-oppa, and broke both their hearts! You should just go kill yourself now.”

You even consider changing your number, because somehow some of them managed to get ahold of that too, and have taken to calling you at all hours of the day to harass you.

Pledis sends you a spokesperson within two days of the news getting out: their plan is simple: say that you and Hansol were nothing but close friends, that nothing romantic had ever happened. Hopefully the netizens will be appeased enough to stop harassing you, and to stop their boycott of the comeback.

And so here you are, standing in Korea, outside the Pledis building, faced with flashing camera lights and dozens of mics pointed in your face, reporters screaming inches away from your nose, asking you if “it’s true” and Dispatch demanding that they interview you, taking pride in making an already shitty experience for you into an even worse one. In the Korean fed to you by the PR manager before this interview (or as you like to think of it, this interrogation), you tell the crowd that your relationship with Hansol had been purely platonic before turning around and entering the building, ignoring all cries for more detail and the barrage of flashes and bodies behind you.

There, you are ushered to the CEO’s office, up several levels and encased in glass which is promptly darkened upon your arrival. The CEO sits you down and folds his hands, reclining back in his black office chair with a forced, professional smile on his face.

“You’re a bit of a troublemaker, aren’t you?” he asks.

You smile uncomfortably back to him, before looking down into your lap, mouth turning down into a neutral line.

“Well, I’ll get straight to the point. I don’t want to see a repeat of Cube’s accident last year, nor do I want to kick Hansol out of the group. Dating was always an option put on the table for these idols, however the one condition was that it be kept under the rug. Out of the media’s eyes.” He stares at you the entire time he gives his speech, before handing you a document.

You look down at it. A non disclosure agreement.

“For your silence,” he says, smile not leaving his face. His point is made clear: Don’t tell anyone about your and Hansol’s relationship.

You slide the document in front of him. “I can promise you, I won’t breathe a word of this. I don’t need to sign a document to keep my mouth shut. This experience is awful enough that I wouldn’t want to publicize it. I can also assure you that I would never wish any sort of consequence on Hansol. I think you forget that I love him.”

“Loved him, you mean. I’ve heard everything from him.” The CEO motions towards the door with his hand. “Then if this conversation is over…”

You smile stiffly, then make an odd head-nod-bow. You reach the door, open it, and there sits Hansol in the waiting room near the CEO’s personal assistant.

Your world stops. There’s the man who you have an infinite amount of regrets over, the man who will forever hold the key to your heart and the hearth for your soul, the man who you’ve sobbed about into your pillow when the moon is high and the streets are dead. There he is, slouched in his chair, eyes blackened and reddened by sleepless nights spent crying, hair ruffled by anxious hands and clothes looking like they haven’t been changed in weeks, which is most likely true.

He looks up disheartenedly when the door opens, and sees you. At first, there’s a glimmer of something in his eyes, maybe hope or even love. But then the facade breaks, as if he remembers what you did to him, what you’re making him feel, and nothing but pain and heartbreak and a little bit of anger remains. He turns away, putting his back towards you, which in Hansol language, (a language you are essentially fluent in) means “Fuck off.”

You feel your heart drop into your already sinking stomach, and your hands start to shake as you rush out the door, not even pausing to say goodbye to the personal assistant, who was nothing but kind and accommodating to you. You want to leave this building, this country, and fly back to the safety of your home.

The journey from Pledis to your hotel is a blur, a part of your memory lost and never returned. You collapse onto your bed upon arrival, the one good thing about this trip is that you have an expensive hotel room with all the good stuff: wine, a fully functioning and free TV, a jacuzzi style tub, and a shower that could fit a ping-pong table inside of it. For the next three days, you’re holing yourself up in this bedroom and going through all of these luxuries in detail. Hopefully they’ll make you forget about the entire situation…

You make good of your promise. You soak in the bath while catching up on a show you’ve procrastinated on, then put on the provided bathrobe and flip through the channels while sitting on the soft mattress of the bed, trying to find something worthwhile, before something catches your attention.

It’s a channel in real time, filming a certain love of yours as he addresses the public.

“That girl and I, we are nothing but friends,” he commences. “We met a couple years ago, and kept in contact. I can assure you that nothing is going on between me and her, nothing ever will happen between the two of us, and I am by no means unhappy or less committed towards my job.” He keeps his message short and sweet and simple, then walks back into the building.

You feel the same way you did when you saw him earlier today. You want to curl up in a ball and cry once more, you want so desperately to be away from here, where everything and nothing remind you of him and his dreams of grandiose and prestige.

Suddenly, your phone rings. You turned it back on after landing in Korea, deciding that staying in contact with family and friends back home is worth the landslide of hateful texts and messages. You glance at the ID: It’s Wonwoo.

“…. Hey,” you say, answering the call. You lay on your back, feet hanging off the edge of the bed while you rub your eyes.

“Do you want to meet up with me? Maybe by the Han river?” he replies.

You decide it would be better to see someone than be alone at the moment. “Sure. I’ll text you when I’m near.”

“Ok, see you then.” Wonwoo hangs up.

You hover close to the water’s edge, your phone open to the conversation with Wonwoo. You’d sent him a message a couple minutes ago, and he had told you to wait for him.

“Boo!” He pops up behind you, poking you gently in the back.

You let out a scream of surprise, before turning around while clutching your chest. “You dick!”

You calm down, before pulling him into a hug. “I’ve missed you so much.”

He holds the bag filled with snacks away from his body, giving you a one armed hug back. “I missed you too. Let’s sit down over there.” He gestures towards a bench overlooking the river.

You move towards the bench, before sitting down heavily on the seat. Wonwoo slides in next to you.

He pulls out some drinks from the bag, giving you the one you prefer before breaking the seal on his. “How are you?” he tries to ease the awkward vibe surrounding the two of you.

“Can I be honest?” A parallel to the earlier conversation you had over the phone.

He nods.

“Terrible. Seeing Hansol did no good.”

“Is it rude if I say that I expected that?”

You let out a faint smile. “No.” You turn your gaze to the river, looking at the people kayaking and sailing, floundering around in the water. You can sense Wonwoo turning to look at you.

“I miss him. I really do.” You rest your head on his shoulder.

He wraps an arm around you, pressing his cheek into your hair. “It’ll be ok. Everything will work out in the end.”

A moment of silence passes, before he says: “I can finally give you that hug I promised you.”

You smile, eyes closed in solace. “Yeah.”

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #368

Top Ten Things I Kinda Hope Will Happen Now Disney Owns Fox

So this week the merger of the millennium finally went through, and the mouse ate the fox. That is, Disney completed its acquisition of 20th Century Fox, bringing a diverse range of film and TV IP all under one roof. A big, domed roof, with two circular ears on top.

What to make of it? There is the knee-jerk fannish joy at the thought of the X-Men finally being able to join their Avenger cousins under one MCU roof; there is also the worrying prospect of one company holding so much power being able to wield that power uncharitably. Job losses are inevitable; maybe up to 4,000, I read. Fox 2000, a subsidiary production company that has made a name for itself with a slew of critically-acclaimed movies with an indie sensibility, is already being shuttered. So I think there is probably a degree of caution to be exercised when contemplating Mulder and Scully investigating Doctor Strange or the Na’vi turning up in the Galactic Senate.

However, for the time being I’m allowing myself to think of the positives, of the IP mash-ups or events that could transpire both in fiction and “IRL” as they say on the internets. So here, then, are ten things that I’d either like to see happen, or will happen, or would be cool but are incredibly unlikely.

Now to rewatch that Patton Oswalt filibuster from Parks and Rec…

Restore the Fox Fanfare to all Star Wars movies: probably won’t happen for new movies going forward, but I still think it’s not Star Wars without the “barump-bada-bump” Fox theme at the very start. Personally I think all Star Wars should have it, even the new ones.

Bring the Marvel Universes together: this is inevitable, isn’t it? The Marvel characters for whom Fox has historically owned the cinematic rights – principally the X-Men and Fantastic Four – are absolutely bound to appear in the MCU. Quite how and when this will happen I don’t know; I’m hoping for something a bit beyond “oh, Thanos accidentally created mutants,” if I’m honest. And I think the plans for the MCU in the early stages of Phase 4 are probably already kinda sorted (the film line-up looks like it’s taking shape, and I reckon the Skrulls will be the Big Bad of the next Avengers film, not Magneto or whoever). Really, I’m more interested in a rebooted Fantastic Four (go on, set it in the ‘60s! You know you want to!) and with Doctor Doom being a major MCU villain, the next Thanos if they do it right.

Reboot the Alien sequels: I’ve got a fair bit of time for Alien 3, and I’ve been told to give Alien: Resurrection another chance, but let’s be honest: after two masterpieces, the various Alien movies have been a seriously mixed bag. So why can’t Disney “do a Halloween” and decide to make a new Alien 3 that disregards all the other films that take place after Aliens? I mean, it sort of almost happened with Neill Blomkamp’s project, before Ridley Scott’s renewed interest in the franchise scuppered a return to the world of Hicks, Newt and – of course – Ripley. It’s currently fashionable to make “decades-later” sequels – even Ghostbusters appears to be getting one – so this could be not only fascinating but also hugely profitable. Get to it, Mickey!

Make “The X-Files: The Next Generation”: confession time, true believers: I’ve still not got round to watching the two recent X-Files mini-series, despite being an enormous “X-Phile” in the ‘90s. I know they got mixed reviews, but that’s neither here nor there to me. No, I want a regular series (but stick it on streaming so it can be gory, scary, and only 10 episodes), and I want it to feature a new raft of agents who are investigating new X-files. Maybe give Chris Carter a vanity credit and hand it off to someone else. In a lot of ways, The X-Files was the new Star Trek, so giving us a look at “the future” and the next group of people who’ll keep the flame alive, would be a good way to build the brand. And, yes, it’d still be in continuity, so Mulder could show up at some point!

Deadpool 3: I know I’ve already sorta talked about the X-Men, but that was more about incorporating and rebooting the characters within the MCU. Deadpool is a special case. He should still be Ryan Reynolds, he should still look and act the same (and, yes, he should still be R-rated). But how the fourth-wall breaking foul-mouthed ‘merc will react to being rebooted will be fascinating to see.

Stop making Die Hard films: just stop. Don’t reboot it. don’t make another sequel. Don’t do a prequel. Just stop. Do a gif search for “Simpsons he’s already dead”. Die Hard is, sadly, over. And I say that as someone who flat-out adores the first film. It has ceased to be. It is an ex-franchise. I’m sorry, Bruce, but that’s the truth.

Cancel The Simpsons: speaking of The Simpsons…! Yeah, I feel bad for saying this. As much as I love Die Hard, I love The Simpsons more; I think I love The Simpsons more than anything else Fox has ever done. And picking on them now, after thirty years? It feels like bandwagon-jumping; like trying to be cool and edgy. The fact is, I’ve not even seen a new episode for about ten years. How crazy is that? It used to be my favourite show of all time and there are probably over a hundred episodes I’ve just never seen. But that’s sort of my point. It’s not about whether it’s still good, or good enough, or as good as; it’s been going too long. the relevance it had, the cultural cachet; that’s gone for good. The Simpsons can never be The Simpsons again. I think give it a rest, cancel the series, but if you still want to keep the flame alive, make the odd movie or mini-series or TV special or something. I don’t mind more Simpsons, just make me really want it, y’know?

But bring back Futurama: as one door closes… Futurama was probably better than The Simpsons during the time it was on the air (although I don’t think I’d say it was ever quite as good as The Simpsons was at its height). So good, it’s an utter shame it had to stop when and how it did. I know Matt Groening might be busy with Disenchantment on Netflix, but maybe he can be persuaded to come back for some more journeys with the Planet Express crew? The opportunity to skewer the present day with futuristic barbs is right there for the taking.

De-Specialise the Star Wars Special Editions: I don’t mind most of the changes made by Lucas in the Special Edition trilogy. Obviously cleaning up the matting and removing the “force field” underneath Luke’s landspeeder are welcome additions. But the extra Wampa footage is unnecessary; Han shooting first really does cheapen the character, I don’t care if that’s a crying manbaby/edgelord/neckbeard/incel sorta thing to say; but the biggest flub is the utterly redundant Jabba scene they stuck back into A New Hope. Get shot of that; it gives us nothing the Greedo scene didn’t give, but clunkier and with not-entirely-convincing effects. Unaltered, and separate from the movie itself – with the human actor in a shaggy coat playing Jabba – the scene is a curio, a lost gem; but it serves no purpose in the narrative and the whole “stepping on Jabba’s tail” bit is, well, shite. If that’s the only thing they lose, fine, it’ll be worth it. I’m inevitably going to be buying these buggers in 4K, though, so I’d rather they offered a cleaned-up theatrical cut if they’re not prepared to pick-and-choose a “definitive edition”.

Don’t just close Fox Animation: from Anastasia through the Ice Age movies to Ferdinand, Fox’s animation department isn’t quite Pixar but they’ve done a really good job. Buy with Disney Animation and Pixar, does the company need another animation house? I hope they can find room for Fox, maybe as a slightly more grown-up or edgier place; after all, Pixar and Disney co-exist and there seems to be room for both.  

[scratchface]

Yusaku has better shit to do.

Aka Part 2 of the Yusaku Character Analysis!

Part 1 is here

So we covered why Yusaku is so socially isolated, but now we have to discuss who Yusaku really is and why.

First and foremost, to understand Yusaku, we have to note that he is highly mission-oriented. In season 1, Yusaku is always focused on and prioritizing the task at hand. Everything else comes second, if it even registers at all. Yusaku is so focused on his mission to the point of being oblivious about other matters, such as charisma duelists. He’s very concentrated on his three reasons, his three goals, and nothing short of life-threatening situations can even compete with that in his mind. It’s all about defeating Hanoi, helping Jin, and finding his special person. Nothing else matters, except for people’s lives. Even when Yusaku makes a move to help out other people, it’s because it serves his own goals or is to keep them from dying. That’s why Yusaku, for the most part, outright ignores everybody else’s emotional drama and only sticks his nose in their business when they’re actively doing something dangerous. 

So to get Yusaku, we have to understand that what’s significant to us, as the viewers, probably does not matter to him at all. 

A great example of this is the non-relationship between Aoi and Yusaku. Take the scene where Aoi overshares with a guy’s she’s spoken to once, because he mentioned her famous brother’s name, then runs off, obviously upset: 

This infodump on a near stranger is simultaneously an accusation and a plea for help. This is where the shonen protagonist is supposed to chase after her and comfort her, feeling both offended and guilty. Where they’re supposed to hash it all out and become closer.

But while the viewer feels bad for Aoi here, Yusaku never does anything with this information. In fact, based on their most recent interaction, we can assume Yusaku hasn’t really spoken to Aoi since she ran off months ago, considering she still hadn’t thanked him for finding her unconscious body on the school roof. That’s because, to put it simply, it’s all irrelevant to him. 

He only approached Aoi to see if she had information on SOL, and it’s clear she does not, so he does not speak with her again IRL. It’s not that Yusaku is incapable of being kind, caring, or sympathizing, but he has other stuff to do. While the viewer may be attached to Aoi here, Yusaku is clearly not.

The only time Yusaku shows the slightest interest in the Zaizen’s drama is episodes later, when he points out that he doesn’t want to be involved with either of them and doesn’t want them in the darkness. Knowing what we now know about Yusaku and how he perceives the world, we know of “the darkness” = the abyss, not just his quest for revenge. Yusaku doesn’t want them to cross the abyss; he doesn’t want them to live in the same world as him, like Ryoken does. Yusaku recognizes the Zaizen’s as pure-hearted people (to a rather frustrating degree), and wants nothing to do with them, for the best interests of them and himself.

Yusaku obviously thinks similarly about Go and Ema. He doesn’t want them to cross the “abyss” either. And he doesn’t want anything to do with them either, besides what’s necessary. Take, for example, the end of the duel with Ema. Ema outright pulls the most cliche romantic Japanese line on him, and even specifies when Ai doesn’t get it that she’s not actually talking about the moon. 

Whether this is a true expression of romantic intent or an attempt to distract Playmaker isn’t clear, but Yusaku just demands she hand over the back-door program. His only interest is, as always, the mission, and not at all in the beautiful woman trying to flirt with him. His no-nonsense attitude leaves Ema no openings to continue.

I alway thought Ema looked kind of sad here, either because of the rejection or because she’s realized not even she can distract Yusaku from his dangerous path. (But she’s also interested and more than a little infatuated with the mystery of Hanoi, the Incident, and Playmaker.)

Yusaku looks at the moon after Ema leaves, but instead of wondering what Ema could have possibly seen in it or in him, Yusaku wonders if SOL’s databank will have what he needs. Whatever feelings Ema was trying to express, they clearly didn’t make much impact. 

So Yusaku has other things on his mind and no time for the emotional journeys of the other characters. 

Why is Yusaku so single-minded? In season 1, the revenge quest is Yusaku’s last resort. He’s tried years of therapy, of trying to be normal, but none of it helped his PTSD. He never smiles, or laughs, and doesn’t seem to have anything he enjoys or even likes. He’s so worried about the important person he left behind in Hanoi that it “tears at his soul”. He can’t connect with anyone around him, and doesn’t even want to. Yusaku’s life is really miserable. As he told Akira, he has no friends or precious moments, and his youth is already ruined beyond repair. The gloomy abyss scene is suggested to be how Yusaku has seen the world for 10 years. Yusaku is at the point where he is almost unable to care about anything else, because this is his last chance and his last option: revenge. 

Either he gets revenge and finally gets a chance at life after, or he dies trying.

But Yusaku also just doesn’t have much else to care about. Almost every other character in the series is motivated by their family.

Ryoken -> his father. Aoi -><- Akira. Go -> the orphans. Spectre -> his “mother”. Kengo -> his mother. Kusanagi -> his brother. Vyra and Faust -> their little “brother”. I could probably go on.

There is no mention of Yusaku’s family. He doesn’t seem to have any, or remember them if he ever did. This makes Yusaku’s task-driven nature all the more unique in Vrains, and makes his fixation on finding the special person all the more poignant. 

Yusaku isn’t just focused on his mission, he has to complete it by himself.

Yusaku is a self-proclaimed loner. Up straight, Yusaku just doesn’t like being involved with other people. [I feel ya, Yusaku, I feel ya.] Not just because of the “abyss” but because Yusaku is living a dangerous life. He clearly states he doesn’t want anyone else involved and in danger, and in the worst case scenario, doesn’t want anyone to be associated with him. Just having Cyberse Wizard and calling himself Playmaker’s friend got Naoki kidnapped.

Yusaku doesn’t want anyone else to die in his fight; if he goes down, he wants to go down alone. And his revenge is meaningless if he’s not the one exacting it, so there’s no point in endangering others. Considering its been ten years and the only information Yusaku has gotten about the Incident is what he’s actively and probably illegally obtained himself, and that must have been incredibly frustrating. The result is that Yusaku doesn’t trust authority figures, or even most people. The only way he can be sure that his revenge is done right, even done at all, is if he does it himself. 

Yusaku has lived on his own for who knows how long. And that sort of independence at such a young age has instilled in him a fierce self-efficacy as well as self-sufficiency. From these same traits comes a sort of social aversion; the desire to handle things on his own. Yusaku knew Ema was sending him down the wrong path when she suggested they split up, but he didn’t protest or try to follow her. This is also especially clear at the end of the first season when Yusaku rejects a ride home and instead walks, wanting to be alone with his thoughts after the most emotionally taxing day of the entire series. Yusaku sorts through things best when he’s on his own, but he also struggles with that same solitude. He seem to prefer to sleep around people or stay up all night with Kusanagi, as the constant noise seems to relax him. It’s not so much loneliness that bothers Yusaku, but silence. No surprise, considering how his one comfort during the Incident was a voice. 

But despite his lone wolf attitude, Yusaku comes to respect other people’s desire to fight. Watching Go struggling against Genome, Yusaku struggles with himself; with his desire to interfere and his knowledge that he should stay out of it. 

Yusaku is acutely aware during the Anothers Incident that people are being hurt in a hunt for him. He feels responsible, but also recognizes that Hanoi wants to drag him out. So Yusaku forces himself to stick to investigating in the real world, and then finds Go is fighting on his behalf, with his “identity” on the line.

 And ultimately, Yusaku decides to limit his interference to just some tough encouragement. It’s here that we see that as long as they aren’t getting in his way, Yusaku is coming to terms with other people choosing to fight Hanoi. That’s why it’s not quite accurate to say “Yusaku doesn’t want help”. Yusaku is not going to ask for help, and he doesn’t want anyone interfering, but it’s irrelevant to him if others decide to fight on their own. 

Moreover, Yusaku doesn’t seem to mind his working partnerships; he’s very comfortable with both Kusanagi and Ai, and easily accepts both their advice and assistance when it’s viable. But for reasons I’ll get to in the next part, Go, Aoi, and Ema will probably never be able to reach this level of closeness with Yusaku, unlike Takeru.

Furthermore, Yusaku struggles between doing the right thing and doing what’s necessary for his goals

When Tower of Hanoi Arc happens, Aoi and Go show up with some words about being heroes and fighting for everyone. Aoi then asks what Playmaker is doing there and Yusaku lists three much more concrete goals.

To stop the tower, protecting Ai and the Cyberse from Hanoi and effectively foiling their plans again, preventing a world-wide disaster.

Saving Ema’s life.

And to fuck up Revolver’s shit. It’s all very focused and not at all like the idealistic answers Aoi and Go gave. Its more concrete, so when their motivations turn flimsy, his remains. 

Hours after that Go, Aoi, and Akira all get deleted and join Ema in the Tower. And some of that was pretty damn traumatizing for Yusaku: both Ema and Akira’s deletions drove him into a rage, as he was faced with his own weakness and helplessness. Because despite Yusaku’s focus on his revenge, and his competency, when it comes down to it, Yusaku is really bad at it. 

Despite knowing Hanoi’s connections with the experiments that ruined his life, Yusaku struggles with actually resenting the individuals. He respects human life too much to truly wish harm upon them, causing him to spend most of his quest searching for the truth over searching for payback. 

And then, when an innocent life is put between him and his mission, Yusaku freezes up. Spectre throws him off-balance, making him question whether his mission is truly reasonable and justifiable, and if it isn’t, if he’s prepared to bear the consequences and do what it takes to complete it anyway. 

Yusaku never really gets the chance to make this decision directly, aka make a kill. Akira and Spectre and Kogami all kill themselves, but after Akira Yusaku  not only refocuses on his mission, he doubles down on it. When he was forced to doubt himself and then reaffirmed by Akira’s words, instead of opening his mind up a little and seeing more than the mission, Yusaku goes straight into mission tunnel vision. Because Akira gave him the answer: he should choose the mission over people’s lives. 

Though he didn’t get a chance to chose the mission over life, due to Akira’s words, Yusaku is recognizing the necessity of sacrifice. As Go disappears, Yusaku is much more controlled and less furious than he was in the face of Akira and Ema’s deaths. And that’s because he’s decided the mission truly does take priority, and Go’s death serves a purpose to it. 

Now we see in season 2, in the wake of the Tower of Hanoi, that Yusaku isn’t as cool with other people joining the fight anymore. Before he might have let Aoi do her own thing so long as she didn’t bother him, but now he tells her “thanks but buzz-off”, because putting herself in danger again is unnecessary. 

Even though circumstances have changed and things aren’t as life-or-death, Yusaku still has no reason to think he needs help. Yusaku managed to take down the Knights of Hanoi and the Tower almost single-handedly--only two notable members weren’t defeated by him, and he certainly could have and would have taken them down himself had he tried to. 

It’s not just a matter of independence or Yusaku’s incredible skill; Yusaku had six months of Ryoken’s “Be strong” echoing either in the room or in his head, every time he showed weakness or failed. Yusaku associates weakness, hesitation, and helplessness with pain and starvation. It’s either “Be strong” or suffer. 

Furthermore, in the wake of Yusaku reprioritizing and casting aside his hesitation, Yusaku may truly want everyone else to stay out because he’s not willing to chose them over his goals if necessary. He may very well be trying to avoid another captive Akira situation because he now knows he will have to attack anyway. 

Thanks, Akira. 

That’s why Yusaku doesn’t protest each time Soulburner puts himself in danger so Yusaku can continue pursuit, and why he ditches them in the most recent episode even with Ai expressing concern. This is not something early Yusaku would be able to do so easily.

The mission to get back Jin absolutely takes priority over the others’ safety. Hell, Yusaku seemed pleasantly surprised when Soulburner came back fine from his duel with Go. He’s so used to other’s failing that part of him probably already wrote Takeru off as sacrificed. So it’s not that he trusts Takeru’s skills yet, but that he prioritizing.

So, all in all, Yusaku is the kind of person that does everything himself and is strong enough to make it work, and the Tower of Hanoi Arc validated that mindset. Having come to terms with making sacrifices for the bigger picture and working through a lifetime of distrust and an entire season of incompetency, he once again wants everyone to stay out of it and keep the body count to a minimum, but he’s at least nicer about saying it.

Yusaku’s single-minded focus on the current task and need to complete it himself without getting any more meddlers killed than necessary are essential factors to the question: who gets to help Yusaku? It all comes down to who can reach him, on the other side of the abyss, and who is good for the mission.

So, how the hell did Takeru manage it, when the others failed? 

Well, join me in Part 3 tomorrow, hopefully.

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

Reflections on Writing a Longfic

hey guys! I wanted to make this for a bit, because I thought it would be cathartic. Also I started school again and my teacher is very much into reflections, which I always was an advocate for too, so I thought I would write this! tagging @cathybrokeit and @novamm66 for their interest as well :) Note this really isn’t a “writing advice post,” more so my reflection on how I wrote my fic In Waking Dreams to completion, but if you learn something from it...great! :) 

Anwyay, unto the breach! Also there will be spoilers for IWD, but the story is pretty much Inquisition with my own imaginings in the gaps. But if you want to read IWD spoiler free, I recommend not reading this! 

Background

So I have spoken at length about this before, but I never wrote fanfic until In Waking Dreams. I read it, but never really felt compelled to write it. I wrote original fiction before, even finished a first draft for about three or so different pieces, and the last thing I wrote before IWD (besides a ten minute play) was something I was very, very much in love with, and still am very much in love with.  I finished the first draft of that my freshman year of college, but when I tried to revise it, the words didn’t seem pretty or “perfect enough.” I could not make it the story I wanted to see. It didn’t just frustrate me. It made me deeply depressed. I worried I wouldn’t be able to write again. 

I did a lot of gaming in college because I honestly couldn’t really do anything else (I had trouble connecting with my theatre peers. I was not a partier and my department liked to party.) I lived alone, so I played a lot of games. In 2014 Inquisition came out and I played it because DA had always been one of my favorites. I romanced Cullen, and the romance really resonated with me. It’s why I played it a lot. 

Then my last semester of college, I realized I was really (forgive my crassness,) turned on by the idea of writing a fic with Cullen and my Inquisitor. 

I’ll be honest: at first I thought it was ludicrous. I was twenty two at the time. I never wrote fic. I told my friend once that while i respected it and enjoyed a lot of it, it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t imagine writing a character that wasn’t mine. But I loved Cullen because he and his romance were a comfort to me. I loved his arc and I wanted to fill in the gaps. My directing teacher always told us to direct what turns us on...not what what leaves us with blue balls. I suspect writing is the same way. Hell, I know it is the same way. I couldn’t escape the fact I was turned on. 

So I began. It felt so strange to write the first chapter, but it wasn’t strange anymore, after a while. the words, they flowed from the page. I was upset when I wasn’t writing. I felt like myself again when I was. I was so happy to write this story. It was so bittersweet to finish. 

I don’t know how I did it, in all honesty. but I am going to attempt to tell you how, and analyze it. 

Getting started

I had a grand idea before I began: I would write the whole story, edit it, then publish. I started November 2016 before I graduated college in December. Graduating was so great because it gave me more writing time. (lol.) Made the A03 and officially joined by late December, because I heard it may take a while to get an invite. By May 2017 I was sort of almost done with the first draft, (I got to after the Winter Palace and Perseverance, and I believe Cullen and Lydia had just consummated their relationship.) So I began going back to the beginning and editing, and I decided i was going to start publishing. for exposure, I renamed my tumblr to my a03 name, but I decided eventually to start from scratch. Here we are now. 

I am not going to lie, I got to the destruction of Haven part, uploaded it, and got no response. I was really, really disappointed. I thought: did I do this for nothing? My mom noticed I was upset, and in a moment of weakness I told her everything. Let me tell you, IRL me is very, very secretive of my writing. No one knows about my original work except for one other person. But I told my mom, and she asked me: 

“Are you having fun?” 

I told her yes. She asked me if I believed in my story. I told her yes. She told me to remember that. So for the entire journey I remembered that I believed. I believed and I loved, and that was part of the reason why I finished. People began reading and commenting. One comment made me so, so happy. they always do, to this day. they truly do help.

I knew it before, but I fully learned it then: write what turns you on. write what you want to see. You’ll love, and that love can help you continue 

From the Draft to A03

So here’s a few fun facts about IWD

Stroud was the original Warden, not Miranda 

Originally there was passages in Cassandra’s POV, as well as Solas. did away with this because I can not write Solas and i didn’t think the cassandra parts added anything.

there was going to be a lot of leliana/ Cullen tension I cut back on. there was also a lot of leli/ Lydia tension. 

I wanted to focus on Inqusition as a whole, rather than the romance of cullen and Lydia. (HA) 

Cullen’s ex girlfriend Elaine wasn’t going to make an appearance, but Asher always was.

The timeline as it currently is is way different from my original intention. to Adamant everything would be normal, then there would be the ball that happens at Skyhold, then perseverance and Lydia and Cullen getting together, then the Winter Palace and Cullen and Lydia’s first intimate moment by Honnleath, and then Daddy Trevelyan arrives. (remembering now, the only thing I hadn’t written was the return of Asher.)

 I reassembled a lot of stuff as I wrote. Daddy trev arrived earlier because I wanted him at the ball at Skyhold, the ball happened a lot later, and as I wrote I inserted the Elaine subplot. 

No beta readers, but I would consider one in the future. 

There’s a lot of other stuff I added in and expanded as I started uploading. The original Lydia and Cullen blow up over his past wasn’t nearly as dramatic. Miranda was added and fleshed out, as was Hawke. Eventually I realized i would have to scrape what I had previously written (for an example the first kiss is radically different.) and start from scratch. Was I frustrated? Kinda sorta. See, I truly believe had I not written that incomplete first draft, I would not have been as happy with IWD as it currently stands. Trust me, I understand wanting to upload chapters after you write them and after a cursory read through and edit. I have done this. I will still do this, ha. But I truly think without that base of IWD, I wouldn’t have been nearly as happy with my story. especiallly since it is very very complicated.

Another note: I tended to think of novels like movies, but one thing that really , really helped me was thinking of the story more like a TV show. Episodes or chapters should compliment the whole, but if you want a whole chapter of your OTP laying in bed...you can do that. In fact, I encourage it in fanfic if you want it. that’s the beauty of it. We can write entire scenes of our favorite characters eating ice cream, a scene that would probably be cut out in a major motion picture or even published book for “slowing the pace.” No need in fic. Sure maybe some things can be trimmed, ( I really wish I would have cut the Elaine subplot at least a smidge) but I learned that the true beauty in my story, and what I was really passionate about, was the moments between Cullen and Lydia. 

So eventually I gave up thinking this was an epic novelization of DAI, and embraced it for the romance. I added more little moments.

Long story short: original intentions may change. threads may go elsewhere than the original intent. that’s okay. Characters may surprise you. that is wonderful, because don’t people in real life surprise you? Lydia surprised me. A lot. I knew this before I think, but I know it for sure now: let your characters surprise you. I didn’t truly know Lydia till I continued to write her.I didn’t think she would “want to hurt Cullen” as she says, but as soon as I wrote it: I knew. She would be so hurt she would want to hurt him back. 

Support 

I finished this with a lot of my fire, but I did have support, which helped a lot as well. I was fortunate to get a few frequent commentors as I wrote.  Bless you, every one. @lyriumyue was one such reader. She made comments and observations that I didn’t know about as I was writing, but when she pointed them out, I could totally see it. So I came to her when I was stuck, and she helped me figure stuff out. 

My mom also supported me. I didn’t tell her everything, but when I wasn’t sure if I wanted Cullen and Lydia to kiss, we talked through it, and she said, “let them kiss.” being stuck is normal, but talking it out helps. Heck even writing it down may help. I did that too. When I doubt, I talked it out. 

Final thoughts 

So...here’s the truth about writing, as far as I’m concerned: it’s like falling in love. Something captures you, and you want, need to write it. then there’s the honeymoon phase. After a while, it becomes work and you have to put in effort when you didn’t have to before. but remembering what caught you can reignite that passion. It did for me, when I was bummed out about no comments. Sometimes though, it didn’t. it took a while for a new fire. It came back when someone commented. sometimes it came back because I really, really missed cullen and lydia.

I can’t tell you how I finished. I just know that writing gave me immense happiness. Perhaps you should not fall in love with your characters, but fall I did. I wanted to see them happy in the end, watching the dawn. that made me continue. It made me finish. I don’t know what to say, other than I wanted to see this through so, so much. So I did. And i think remembering why I began....helped a lot. So did support. 

Like I said, this is my reflection. I wish I had more advice, but truthfully the only thing I can say is write with passion and believe. Love what you’re doing. I didn’t always love my words. in fact I learned sometimes you just gotta convey information, but sometimes i would write one line, that just really...it was like soaring. other times, no lie I fucking hated it. I still hate that winter palace chapter, TBH. 

but I believed and I wanted, in the end. I fell in love. So I did. Above all, I implore everyone to believe. Trust me guys, to anyone who wants to write anything: I believe. You can do it. I wish I had something more profound to say, but that’s what I got. And I truly do believe. 

Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting. I’ll still be here. Writing Cullen, and falling in love. 

-Cheyenne (Shakes)

[swampgallows]

for the first time in a while, at least a month, i woke up screaming again. i fell asleep around 4, which i was proud of, feeling myself slowly sliding back toward a preferred schedule. lately i’d still been falling asleep at 6am but would wake up a bit earlier, getting fewer hours but at least seeing more sunlight. the urge to hurt myself yesterday was strong, but luckily there are understanding and generous people in my life to ease me through it, and i am beyond thankful. 

two things have happened.

one, an old face from my previous WoW server has resurfaced and sought me out specifically. a different friend had namedropped them out of nowhere, but was also drunk and wouldn’t extrapolate on why he had mentioned it. he just said the character’s name, then drunk-dialed me a bunch of times until i picked up and then had their “gay roommate” scream across the room that “asexuals aren’t lgbtq!”, then hung up.

but anyway the old face returned. we’ll call them “Pockets” because it’s 7am and I’ve barely slept and so i’m pullin raver names out of my ass. I met Pockets back on thobro in 2006ish. we’re the same age, and so we’ve known each other for a fairly long time and kind of grew up alongside each other. Pockets eventually got into a relationship with...I guess we’ll say “Dizzy”. Now, Dizzy lives very far away from Pockets. Pockets lives in America, like me, and Dizzy lives in Australia. But as the capabilities of the internet were improving every day (especially with the advent of internet telephony like skype at the time) it was easier than ever to sustain a long-distance relationship. But by the time I had quit WoW in early 2009, Pockets and Dizzy’s relationship had not progressed as one should have. For instance, Pockets had barely seen any pictures of Dizzy. While they chatted all the time, at that point they hadn’t yet had a webcam chat. It had been some years of constant companionship, yet they never had a plan to meet. But that was fair, I thought, since Pockets and I were only 16 in 2006, so planning that thing was kind of difficult. But by 2009, we were 19, and Dizzy was a bit older in the first place, so surely two people who loved each other would want to meet irl, right?

But Pockets said they respected that Dizzy wasn’t so open about their looks or personal life, etc. Okay. Pretty big red flags, though, if someone you’ve spent almost every waking moment with for three years is being this conservative about their identity. They were prominent characters in most of the server’s RP, so there was a lot of talk. “Maybe Dizzy is like... WAY older than they say, and they don’t want to admit it.” “Maybe Dizzy isn’t the gender they say they are.” “Pockets will get fed up with this eventually—they’re young! They can’t just wait around forever.”

So Pockets found me in game, yesterday, and had transferred to WRA, where a lot of thobro refugees (like myself) ended up. And they sought me out specifically because they remember my friendship with them, and that I had known them (and the rest of our community) all that time ago. And Pockets told me, yesterday, that Pockets and Dizzy had finally broken up. They had stopped talking for about two weeks, and for about two solid weeks, Pockets was staring down the cavernous hungry maw of suicide. “Everything was just... so quiet.”

They must have been fucking married by now, I thought. Either way, it had been over ten years! I knew Pockets was taking it really hard. Except... Dizzy and Pockets never met.

Not once. Not once in over ten fucking years of being in a relationship did they ever meet. And Dizzy had actually been to America a handful of times throughout the relationship. Yet Dizzy never went to meet Pockets.

I don’t know what the rest of the situation was like. If they video-chatted every day, if they called each other all the time, or whatever. Regardless of how you look at it or what the situation with Dizzy was, Pockets was catfished and abused for over ten fucking years. “It’s my fault. I should have left when [etc. etc.] happened...” Pockets told me that they hadn’t even seen end-game content past Cataclysm, despite playing WoW the entire time. Dizzy never wanted to do any of it, but would get upset if Pockets did it without them. So all Pockets did from Cataclysm onward was PVP, and once they reached the top achievements, felt there was nowhere else to go from there and stopped. Dizzy only wanted to play alts and quest. No raids, no PVP, no dungeons even. Just running around and questing, and preventing Pockets from doing any of that content. When someone you have never even fucking met is controlling the way you play a video game and what permissions you have within the game that you pay monthly to play, something is wrong.

Pockets knew they were lacking confidence. They were so lonely and so latched on that they let Dizzy run the show. And Dizzy barely cared. Pockets knew they basically only existed when it was convenient for Dizzy, but outside of that, they were nothing. I felt that about halfway through my relationship with my ex qp, and shared those feelings with Pockets. It took so long to break away and I held on past everything, past my own pain and self-torture, because I had some kind of hope that things would change. And part of me, an insidious part, said that this was the best I was going to get. After all, I’m some broken asexual idiot—”I should be so lucky,” the words rang out in my head, yellowed and worn but enduring and broadcasting itself loud and vivid over and over for years and years and years, tattered even during my childhood, “I should be thankful,”—and this person was my best friend. I should take the affection in the times I could get it. I should just accept that they will want other people sexually because I cannot provide that, and my best friend has a right to be sexual, and they are being so generous by fixing me with their limp novice dick. 

So I bit it back and squashed it down and even after asking six times and getting no answer, “Do you have a problem with hurting me?” it took them falling into the pit of legitimate white supremacy and Nazism for me to finally let go. And I had tried a number of times but felt myself being pulled back, and they, too, were so desperate for some sense of power in their shitty meaningless life (if that wasnt obvious), so lacking initiative and direction that when i floated back upstream, they took it in stride like every other aspect of existence, as if i were just some trash that floated down the river that they, some huge, slack-jawed bloated fish, gobbled up regardless. I existed only when it was convenient for me to exist, and the moment I started being consumed by my anxiety, getting combative, demanding more affection, more outward recognition, I was gaslit and told, literally, word for word, in fun little tumblr doublespeak, “Your feelings are valid, but this is all based on things within your head.” me coming to my QP and saying, “I feel like you dont care about me because I keep asking to hang out and you’re completely ambivalent about it, and when i asked you, ‘Do you want to see me?’ you said ‘You can visit if you want,’. It’s a yes or no question. Do you want to see me?” DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HURTING ME? and then being told it’s “all in my head”, it’s a perceived disinterest. YES, that is what I’m perceiving, which is why I’m trying to address that you are not giving me enough attention and acknowledgment for someone you claim to care about! But obviously, it was me that was the problem, because i was daring to exist outside those convenient parameters. If you didnt want to fuck me right now then what was I even doing breathing your air?

And I’ve been thinking about them a lot because it was around this time 3 years ago that i had started my job, which i had to quit, and had also had a falling out with them, and was mourning that loss. as well as a, in retrospect, MUCH LARGER LOSS of tokin, who had taken his own life that same week. so i tried to turn it into a new beginning, doing my job and being appreciated, but eventually i crawled back and, one-sided as usual, tried to mend things with the QP. But it didnt matter to them. I didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. “Oh well,” was their shitty little trademark. Yeah buddy, life is fucking just happening to you and you’re stuck in one place without even a dream of things getting better, or worse, just taking things as they are, apathetically, without interest, wanting for nothing except to fuck girls but not enough to do anything about it, only if they’re delivered to your doorstep.

So here’s the second thing that happened.

Yesterday was coming out day, and a sort of friend-of-a-friend posted their story on facebook. I read it this morning upon waking up.

She mentioned her living situation and how she was living with other women who promised that they would help her, which is, in her words, “a huge red flag”. She says things settled into a routine, and eventually the big problem that she needed help with fell to the wayside in the wake of all of the smaller, but more prolific things: “focused on other fires, both making and putting them out.” She talks about the time she wasted living with these women and how she was “on the edge again”. She trusted people she loved and that loved her to help her, and they couldn’t. But then, after hitting a very low point, she had a breakthrough:

I did something I'm not sure I'd ever done before in my life: I took the initiative to help myself. I researched, found, and made an appointment with a therapist who specialized in this sort of thing. I worked through a tremendous amount of repression. I did mental exercises to actively re-wire my brain, and unlearn my unhealthy coping mechanisms. It was painful.

And then, she wrote this:

Maybe my point is that you can't entrust your journey (ugh, hate that term) to anyone else. You can't let other people tell you who you are or are not. No matter how much you love and trust someone, they cannot do the work for you. They can facilitate it, as [redacted] failed to do, but in the end, it's you... get help, get the best and most objective and impartial help you can, do not let yourself be held hostage by people or environments or your own fucking apathy which benefit from you being inert.

When someone you love offers you help, it's normal to want to take the help, and oftentimes you should. But sometimes, it's too much to give, or they have their own problems or motives, and the help is unreasonable to expect. Do not turn yourself over to someone. Deal with these things on your own terms. Define the terms by which you exist. I lost two fucking years of my life...because I believed that someone else could and would do it for me.

But at least I'm there now. You can get there, too.

I do not know how I can start this journey. I have been trying for ten years, but I have very little direction or resources. I’ve spent the last... god, I guess 8 years, just trying to keep my head above water. Basically since my second year of college, all I’ve really done is survive, and the only times I felt truly alive and like myself were within the rave scene. So I have been clinging to that, and it is a definitive part of me, because it helps me breathe. I don’t think it is “holding me back” because I am not heading anywhere. But I have spent so long gasping for air that I’m almost nauseous from taking a breath. Since I was really young I have cared about electronic music, somewhat in defiance of my live musician parents [drum machines have no soul], and going to thunderdome in a week (!!!) or so is like a pilgrimage to gabber mecca, but also a kind of zenith. 

where do i go from here? I’ve said I want to DJ just because parties dont play the music I want to hear, but within the last few years I have felt myself so plugged up and insecure that I don’t know what I want. I’m too old to be precocious and have lost some of my identity in that way because of it. Now that I’m getting older, I feel like I don’t have permission to be new at things. But I have been restrained by permission my whole life. I have earned money yet i’m not allowed to pay for things. I earned my driver’s license by myself yet i’m not allowed to leave my house. i am controlled by my mother’s desperation and neediness and guilt, and by my father’s disconnect and judgment. I am controlled by my siblings’ apathy and my friends’ disappointment in me. i am afraid of not being perfect because then my parents won’t want me, so i put off things that i even want to do and i fear messing up, fear not acquiescing, fear not providing something expected of me, because i will be hurt.

but ultimately i am constrained by my own fears, my fear of pain. i am hurt by the thought that my parents don’t love me and that, to them, i just exist when convenient also, only when they can brag about me, only when they need something done. “I’m worried you don’t get out enough,” my mom says, but all she can offer are words because her heart is closed. she loves by worrying, by stifling, by pity. and i dont want to continue that. i dont want my love to be just good intentions. i want it to be good actions. love, love is a verb.

“I took the initiative to help myself. ... It was painful.”

There is a lot of red tape between my life and my parents’ control. and sometimes doing any action is so exhausting that I cannot do anything for the rest of the day. But I don’t want to be Pockets, waiting for the people who control me to start loving me actively, to have faith in their control benefiting me somehow. I’ve done it before by getting my license by myself. It was slow, and agonizing, and incredibly difficult and drawn-out, but I have it, and it’s mine, and my mom “felt bad”, but I can’t care. Now it’s just a matter of literally getting out the door, without the inquisition, without the mire of their guilt. I am genuinely starving, living on bread and half-expired milk and soda, because I am tired of making my mom cry by asking her to buy things, or coming home with things that, if I had only asked, she would have gotten for me.

I am not asking anymore. I am just going to go get things myself. It will make her cry. She will cry that she is “obsolete”, and that she has “no purpose”, and that she “lives for her kids”, and it will be painful. Like Pockets, I have wasted over ten years of my life banking in good intentions, on the trust that people who love me will help me. Or the trust that even people who are paid to help me will help me. 

"Do not turn yourself over to someone. Deal with these things on your own terms. Define the terms by which you exist."

Asexuality is a term that has helped. It gave me more agency in my verbs, of making a command decision about how I approach sexuality, whereas before I was giving myself, in every imaginable interpretation of the phrase, over to someone else. It hurts that I have to fight so much, that I must fight constantly for personhood, even from those who claim they would do anything to give it to me, even from those who physically did give me personhood. 

For my entire life I have thought my bloodline cursed. I have lived beneath the shadow of my father's greatest failure. I hated him for what he had done. I hated him for the burden he left me. But now... You have shown me truths that I would have never known. You and your allies have gifted me with something that cannot bear a price: Redemption. Thrall, redeemer of the Mag'har, you honor me as none ever have... On this day, a great burden has been lifted from my chest. My heart swells with pride. And for the first time, I can proudly proclaim who I am. I can finally unleash the fury in my heart. 

As long as I know what I stand for, even if I don’t know what I want or how to get it, I can get there. Because I’ve done it before.

When the bread was finished, the tired little red hen asked her friends, “Who will help me eat the bread?” “I will,” barked the lazy dog. “I will,” purred the sleepy cat. “I will,” quacked the noisy yellow duck. “No!” said the little red hen. “I will.” And the little red hen ate the bread all by herself.

Not that I even have my first tattoo yet, but if I ever get a second one, it should be a little red hen on my wrist. It can be my personal shorthand for “take it easy, but take it”. 

[theareya]

even numbers for the gaming asks!

Okay, its been 1000 years since I posted this gaming ask. But here are the answers!!!! I put most under the read more…

2. First game you played?The first game I ever played ever, in thehistory of forever, was Super Mario Bros. at my babysitter’s house, if mymemory serves me correctly

4. Longest consecutive hours you’ve played agame?Ohkay, let’s see. Without eating or bathing,but I did get up briefly to bathroom and drink water, I finished uncharted 1,2, and 3 consecutively in 120 hrs. Needless to say, I never did that again, asthe blood vessels in my eyes popped, I ate two bigmacs after, and my parentsyelled at me. Otherwise, without moving or tending to most of my basic bodilyneeds, 10 hours max as of late.

6. An underrated game from within the last fewyears?I don’t know, I’m probably biased and neverreally look online to see how the game was rated/how it’s doing. Oh! But! Ireally liked Battleborn, which was basically a game that came out like a littlebefore Overwatch? Or near the same time, actually. You also fight in teamsagainst one another with unique character abilities to obtain certainobjectives. Honestly, it is extremely well done and detailed, but very muchfalls in Overwatch’s shadow possibly due to similarity and budget D:  8. The game with the best atmosphere/scenery?I’m biased. I love Bioshock. But I also am ahuge fan of those apocalyptic, dystopia aesthetics. So, essentially, anythingalong the lines of bioshock, Fallout, and Last of us.

10. Prefer PC or console?I’ve always played on console. And I’m so bad atPC. You would think it’s a bit easier to aim a cursor to shoot at something,but I’m particularly bad at that.

12. Most bizarre game you’ve ever played?Most games are pretty… bizarre. Most of theactual weird ones I’ve only seen online on those “top ten weirdest video games”but maybe Katamari? There are definitely weirder ones… The Nightmare Within wasalso… strange. I don’t actually know what counts as bizarre anymore in thegaming world. Shrek party…

14. Do you watch playthroughs online?Sometimes, yes! If I know I am never going toget the game. For example, an xbox exclusive (I do not have an xbox) or if Ialready played the game and want to see others suffer, lmao. Or if I like thestreamer.

16. The best year in gaming you’ve experienced?… I don’t remember. I’m going to say 2011.

18. Worst game you’ve played?There are probably worse games, but I’ll go withthe most recent one I’ve played, which was Bound by Flame. It was kind of thisunfortunate mix of—attempt at—Dark Souls, Dragon Age, and other medieval games.Some parts of the gameplay were unnecessarily hard for kicks, with no way toovercome the boss aside from chipping away at the health by throwing a rock atit, while your single dead companion lay sprawled in the middle of the fieldten seconds into the fight. And of the one and a half romance options pergender you were allowed, none of them were very enticing. Spoiler** I overcamethe end fight by purchasing 10,000 potions to fight the dragon. I made itthrough just fine, only after using 600 potions. Strategy was little help, butheyo I made it through. 20. Favorite publisher and/or developer?…Sony? I don’t know… I’m terrible at thesequestions.

22. If you could turn one game into movie, whichwould it be?You know I don’t know, since any game thatturns into a movie makes me want to cry bitter tears of hate. I’m looking atresident evil specifically. But if I could turn Bioshock into a really goodmovie with the proper actors/actresses, storyline, extras, atmosphere, then …yeah.

24. Ever cried because of a video game? Whichone(s)?…Too many. Nothing gets me more invested andemotional than a videogame. I guess the only one that has made me actually cryvisible tears is Journey. The ending overwhelmed me in an inexplicable way.

26. How often do you play online? Co-op?Relatively often now, especially withOverwatch, and the fact that a lot of my friends have Overwatch as well. So,like, every other day, if not daily. Otherwise, I love co-oping with a friend mostlybecause the AI that they give to work with you tends to … suck butts. Lookingat Resident Evil… again.

28. Who got YOU into gaming?My babysitter. Haahaa. I used to hang out ather house all the time and I’d watch her play all sorts of games. She’s alsothe one who gifted me my purple game boy color :’D30. On average, how long does it take you in thecharacter creation screen?Could be up to an hour. But at least 30minutes. It depends on if I know what I want.

32. Do you cosplay?I do! But I’ve actually only cosplayed animethings. Most of the video game stuff I would like to cosplay is too hard and/orI wouldn’t do it justice. Also I’ve been parts of group cosplays generally, sowe gotta find a good match.

34. Favorite male npc?For some unknown reason, the only personpopping into my head right now is erandur, the dark elf companion, from skyrim.Like… he’s not my favorite npc, but…my mind is drawing a complete blank. And isjust repeating that name over and over in my head. Oh boy

36. Best antagonist?Albert Wesker. …Spoiler??** Look… if you gottathrow him in a volcano to get rid of him after 200 tries of “just survive longenough” fights, he’s pretty good to me. Please let him die.  

38. Have you tried a game, hated it, then triedagain, and loved it?N….no? There are some games where I getfrustrated, then invite a friend to play, who is extremely over-leveled, andthen they help me… live. Does that count?40. Favorite voice actor?Okay, I love Troy Baker. How can one person beso gosh darn versatile?? For anyone who doesn’t know (I doubt that) He voicesJoel from TLOU, Booker from Bioshock, Sam Drake from Uncharted, to name theones that pop into my head. And he does like a million other voices, and sings,and is just very excellent overall. 

42. A game you will never forget (in a bad ORgood way)?Resident Evil 5 in the respect that I justplayed it during a very happy time in my life with one of my friends. And itwas also when I learned that I really love co-op, as well it was a supertreasured bonding time with that friend. We legit screamed so obnoxiouslythroughout the whole thing, apologized profusely, yelled for help. Like thatgame brought out our full range of emotion while playing.

44. Do graphics matter?Not necessarily. They add a nice kick, butthere are quite a few games I can think of where the gameplay and story aremore prominent. Storyline is generally always the main thing I look for first.Storyline and characters. 46. Always, sometimes, or never use subtitles?ALWAYS. Even for NPCs. Like the setting thatsays “ALL SUBTITLES” one of the reasons is because it alerts me to enemiessometimes too as they whisper in the distance. Which is the closest thing to awarning from jump scares that I’m going to get.

48. A game you’ve always wanted to play but havenever gotten to it?Um. I’ve actually been pretty aggressive ingetting my grubby hands on the games that I want. EXCEPT. Nearly everythingthat came out after Kingdom Hearts: Chain of memories?? Like 2.3, 2.4, 2.5, 5 ½,365/3 days  idk there were too many?? AndI basically had almost every console except the PSP so I just kind of gave up??

50. How many games do you own?…uh… too many?? At least 200 if you total allof them from the dawn of my first game boy color.52. A game you will always stand behind, andsupport no matter what?..Fable. OKAY So, even though the game, alongwith the game company crashed and burned, I really loved that first game??Along with The Lost Chapters. I essentially based the experiences I had withFable 2, 3, Journey on how good the first game was. If I were to make someoneplay it now, they would probably think it’s pretty dumb, but I thought it was acleverly made game…54. A sequel you really want?… lmao Fable. AND/OR The Wolf Among us, becausethat’s been sitting there for far too long.56. Do you tell people irl that you play videogames?Yeah. If it comes up in the conversation. Or if…they have merchandise that I want.

58. Ever have someone walk in on a sex scenebetween you and you LI?N…o…60. The game you are best at?I know Bioshock inside and out… I don’t knowwhy I’ve played it so much, it’s a very linear game, but wuh. Also weirdly, I’mvery good at Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. And the only reason I���m obnoxiously goodat that game is because of the Chaos. I love those ridiculous little things andwould do anything to make sure they’re happy and healthy. And in order to dothat I had to play each stage multiple times to get the right power-ups andanimals to feed the Chaos…. There was a whole garden. And god.

62. Would you want to work with video games whenyou are older?I feel like if I start working with it I’llstart disliking it very much, unless I literally work as a tester… that getspaid a decent amount. Like seriously, walk in, sit down, play for… hours uponhours. Otherwise, I do not have the creativity or skill. lmao.

64. Describe your favorite video game using onlythree words?Underwater death city.

66. Game with the yummiest looking food?Final Fantasy XV. Okay, so I haven’t finishedthe game. I’m really not even that far into it, like… at all. I just saw thefood and got hungry. It’s so realistic and pretty.  

68. An older game that you’ve just recentlygotten into?I guess… Fallout New Vegas was pretty old, butthen my friend bought it for me on sale, and I tried it out and it was supergood??? And now I’m really into the Fallout series.

70. Do you play any mobile games?I.. play Fire Emblem Heroes, and a variety ofother mobile games like.. Notice me Senpai, Zen Koi, Mystic Messenger, uhhh…whatever is recommended sometimes. .

72. Have any guilty pleasure games?Not really. I’m pretty prideful in every game Iplay, including my otome games.74. Which game has the best lore?…Once…. Again, BIOSHOCK. Idk there are just somany little things in the city that you can find that point to the history ofthe residents, and what happened to them. There are those audio messages and littlesecrets that everybody has in the city, leading to its fall. I just love it somuch. Skyrim is a close second, to be fair. It’s more immersive and I canroleplay more on there.

[southwindscoffee]

how I became a writer, part 2, because Kristy asked me to write this down

Part Two: Sharing

Here’s part one: https://www.lesliemcadamauthor.com/blog/2021/6/9/how-i-became-a-writer-part-1-because-kristy-asked-me-to-write-this-down

After I made the decision to take my writing seriously—and to get help in doing so—it wasn’t anywhere near the end of my writerly journey, of course. (I’m still nowhere near the end.)

 I don’t remember how exactly I started, except that I’d been messing around with the story that eventually became The Sun and the Moon and brought it to Kristy for review, ten pages at a time. I had to start somewhere. (Maybe I’d started fifteen years before…)

 She taught me basic things at first. Watch out for “wuzzies” (using the passive voice/was as the only verb). Add in sensory details. Etc.

 But we also talked about psychological and business stuff for writers, too.

 An amusing early conversation we had was where she brought up pen names. And I was like, I’m not using one. This is part of my recovery. I’m claiming my writing in my own name. And Kristy said something along the lines of, “Well, okay, then. That’s a conversation we don’t have to have.” And I got the feeling that if I hadn’t made that choice, while she would have supported it, she was secretly pleased that I was using my own name. Me deciding this before she brought it up saved her a sales job.

 But being “Leslie McAdam” has caused some issues. Namely, I have nowhere to hide. This is me. Every sex scene, swear word, cringeworthy event, wank, mistake—intentional or otherwise. All me. I’ve had to learn to own it.

 Admittedly, I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been tempted to use a pen name and put out something that I didn’t have as much of an interest in “getting right.” Just to see what would happen.

 I can’t do it, though. Or at least I haven’t really and truly wanted to (because if I did, I would). Those thoughts have just served as a daydream. But I’ve felt I’ve made the right choice, at least for me. I need the power of owning my words, and I don’t want to hide. (As I’ve said in other posts, this isn’t a commentary/judgment on others who use pen names. All I’m saying is it wasn’t—isn’t—right for me.)

 So, here I am. This is me. And I write all sorts of open and vulnerable words. I’ve learned that the more open and vulnerable my words are, the better my writing is and the freer I feel. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy to talk about some of the things I write about.

 Actually, correction. It’s relatively easy to write these words. The hard part is pushing “publish” because that opens up criticism. The moment I take the words from being on my laptop or notebook and put them out there for consumption, they are now meant for someone else. And that reader can take my words in an infinite number of ways. I’m always hoping for the connection, but I’ve had to learn that not every reader is for me. Some don’t connect at all, no matter what I write. And I think at this point, I’ve had every reaction, from (three) readers tattooing my books on their skin to one star reviews (and lots of them). While I’ve always known this intellectually, I’ll admit I’m still learning it from an emotional level.

 But I still share. And that, I think, is the brave thing.

 As part of sharing, I’ve had to overcome perfectionism. I’ve had to allow in some errors. Because if I waited for everything to be absolutely just right, I’d never publish a thing. While I still have perfectionist tendencies and I care very much about grammar and quality, every time I write a blog post, I face these fears and tendencies head on. My blog posts are raw and unedited, just me and the words without any professional help. And every time I share one, I still think, “fuck it.”

 And post.

 (Even after a year and a half of doing this twice a week. Even after almost six years of publishing novels.)

 But besides my words not being for everyone, I’ve also learned that I really don’t have many people around me physically who like my writing. (They like me just fine.) Very few people in my “real” day-to-day life, though, are my readers. My family certainly is not. (Not a judgment, but I don’t write it for them and I actively discourage them from reading to spare both of us the pain.) I don’t work with very many people who read (or understand) romance, either. (Cue “Romance isn’t cheesy Fabio” rant.)

 Thus, a part of my recovery was to stop caring what those around me thought about my creativity.

 Sorry, not sorry. If you know me, but don’t care for my writing, well, I don’t write for you. My books aren’t for you. I’m not writing this post for you, and I don’t care if you read it or not.

 (But of course I wouldn’t say it that strongly if there wasn’t a part of me longing to be accepted in all regards, not just those facets that are easy to show off.)

 So, facing the reality that I don’t know any romance readers IRL, I’ve had to reach beyond what I have here in my home and work to find those who appreciate what I write.

 Enter: the glorious internet.

 At some point (this is 2015), I’d discovered Wattpad, and with Kristy’s encouragement posted my first tentative chapters.

 I remember posting the first chapter, then looking at it and seeing that I had a view. And then realizing that the view was me. Face palm.

 I also felt like I should hide under the desk because the first paragraph of my first book starts—intentionally so—mid-thrust in a bad sex scene. (The sex is bad; hopefully the scene is not.)

 After I posted it, I simultaneously wanted people to read it and wanted no one to read it. I felt open and vulnerable and powerful and scared and brave and really and truly alive. I still wanted to hide sometimes, though. And I was proud of myself for putting it out there.

Then I posted another chapter.

 And another.

 The early feedback on those chapters from readers is something I’ll treasure. From grammar correction (I’ve only slightly improved on comma placement, but at least I learned it’s a thing I do) to pointing out story issues, the feedback I got from Wattpad really helped and encouraged me.

 I finished the story in maybe a month. And then I wrote another. And another.

 And I kind of haven’t looked back since. Sure, I’ve had moments where I’ve been stuck on one story for too long. I’ve taken a while to publish, then publish a bunch at once.

 But I’ve kept a near-daily writing habit for years,  and I think it’s the most important thing I do.

 Oh, and that first story? It ended up winning a Watty. At the time there were 40 million app users and 75,000 entries, so it was the world’s largest online writing competition.

 Yeah, that felt good. I found my readers.

 The other thing that happened is after about eighteen months, I was completely free from depression. I’m not kidding, it’s a distant memory. I still get anxious, yes, but I have not felt depressed in years.

 I’m pretty sure that all this expression and authenticity had a lot to do with it (along with me trying everything—medication, therapy, exercise, and so on).

So, if you are wanting to write, make decisions based on your own life, not someone else’s. Certainly not mine. Use six pen names. Write whatever the hell you want. Get help.

But publish.

[taste-thewaste]

“I’m too tired to reflect,” I mutter as I write an 1100 word post about how I’m feeling ending 2019 and heading into 2020...

I don’t want this to be super negative, but I’m also trying not to be sorry for who I am, so if this ends up negative, oh well.

I’m not a huge fan of New Year’s, mostly because for a very long time I’ve been living my life in a way that I’m not happy with and also I am a depressed piece of shit lol. I don’t like goals, because I’m not a very motivated or competitive person, and when I don’t accomplish them I feel like crap. As 2019 has wound down to a close, my heart’s been at times very heavy and at times lighter. The last few days have brought a roller coaster of emotions, but in some ways, more peace than I’ve known in the past months. Because it’s over, lads. This year is over.

At the same time, this New Year’s is more depressing in some ways because we’re closing out a decade. 2009-2019 was the first decade of my adult life, and it’s been really humbling and hard to think about. When I look back at the last ten years, it’s so easy for me to focus on the fact that I feel like I wasted it. Wasting an entire decade of your life just, is the real way to make you feel like a piece of flaming hot garbage lol. It’s also weird because I accomplished some things that, on paper, look really good. I earned three college degrees in those ten years. I had a master’s degree by the time I was 26.

I thought that by accomplishing those things my life would have ~meaning~ in the existential sense of the word, but...turns out my degrees are expensive pieces of paper, much like everyone else’s. I have yet to do anything with them. My master’s degree sits in its expensive cherry wood frame that my grandparents bought me as a graduation gift. I am still at the same job I was at when I was 17, which sucks my soul out just a little bit more each day.

I failed, in so many ways, in 2019. I gave up on searching for a new job. I told people who care about me that I’ve been looking for a new position this whole time, but I lied. I haven’t applied to a single job in the last year, and I know that giving up isn’t how you find something new. I failed to stop myself from spiraling back into bad habits and coping mechanisms, failed to stop myself from going back into this deep pit of whatever. I should’ve been stronger. I failed to make any positive changes to myself or my person this year.

I failed in this decade of my life, really. I’ve lost the last ten years (and then some...more like 13) to whatever-this-is, this cloud in my brain that covers every day with a haze, that tells me every single day how worthless and stupid I am. It’s not poetic or deep, it’s disgusting and devastating. It’s ugly. It makes me push away people who care about me or spew forth all my feelings at once. It makes me use food to cope or to punish myself. It makes me think, day after day, about hurting myself, and it makes me go through with it. It makes me believe-truly, deeply believe, from the bottom of my heart-that it’s too fucking late for me to get better. I accept responsibility for it. I know it’s my fault, for giving in, for letting it do this, for not getting help ten years ago when I still had the strength to do it. Knowing that it’s my fault and admitting it is almost calming to me. The fact that I’ve been stuck in this roundabout since I was a teenager is sickening to me. I sicken myself, and that’s the ugly truth.

I don’t have a job I’m proud of, I have a terrible relationship with my abusive family, and my body/overall health/life is something I’m not proud of. I’m not happy with the person I am or the life I live.

It’s really, really easy to focus on those things, and I do a lot of the time.

But every day I’m hurtling closer and closer to my 30th birthday, which has always felt like a weird important milestone for me, a time when I should Have It Together. Realistically, I know that everyone’s timeline is different, and I support the idea of smashing the expectation of having your life together by a certain point. For me, that’s just what it’s always felt like.

And the reality is, focusing on how much I’ve fucked up won’t do me any good. I’ll still do it, more often than I should. But it won’t help me feel better, it won’t help me recover, and it doesn’t change anything.

I have a lot of people who love me. This gets lost, all too often, in that haze I mentioned earlier. If you’ve reached out to me, if you talk to me, if you interact with me in some way on this hellsite, please know that you mean the absolute world to me. Please know that there are some of you who’ve stopped me from making a very bad, very permanent decision. Some of these people aren’t on here anymore, but I still keep in touch with them; some of them I talk to every day. I’m grateful for this community; I’m grateful for my IRL friends; I’m just grateful for Rocketman and this fandom, period.

I have a lot of decisions to make and a lot of changes to make. It scares me, and I still don’t believe I deserve to get help; I still think it’s too late for me. I hope that changes, because I can’t keep living like this and rationally I know that good things lie on the other side of this. I need to find the strength to just make tiny, baby steps because thinking about the big journey is too overwhelming for me.

I know that 2020 is just a calendar flip, and that this whole thing might seem dramatic or gratuitous. But I have to believe that this next year, this next decade, will find me in a better spot than I am now. I have to believe, just the tiniest bit, that there might be more for me than right now. Please be patient with me. Thank you for sticking around, and I promise I will, too. I sincerely wish all of you the very best that 2020 has to offer.

Cheers. <3

[weightlossfitness2]

Here’s Why I Quit Social Media & What I’ve Learned

I’ll be trustworthy: I’m extra cautious of technological innovation than most. After all, I wrote my school thesis on futuristic dystopian fiction, and assume we’re dangerously near residing in Black Mirror‘s social ratings-driven “Nosedive” society.

Curious to seek out out if analog enlightenment awaited me offline, I made a decision to embark on a 30-day social media detox. The stunning end result? My preliminary experiment has since reworked right into a deliberate way of life option to give up social media completely.

Here’s a glance into my determination, journey, and analysis. Plus: some meals for thought to see if taking a break from social media could possibly be the life hack you didn’t know you wanted.

Why I Quit Social Media

Striving for Authenticity

Ironically sufficient, my first-ever Facebook quote completely encapsulates a key purpose why I give up social media. From the movie Almost Famous, it reads: “From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that’s it, that’s all I’m interested in.” Henry David Thoreau penned the same maxim that’s additionally profoundly influenced me for years: “Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.”

Authenticity and transparency are values I try to domesticate in myself and search in others. Truth be advised, social media is extra aptly suited to mild bites by means of rose-colored lenses. (And whereas there’s been a latest uptick of digital “getting real” moments, Cazzie David and Carrie Battan illustrate that they usually tread a nice line between uncooked honesty and strategic baiting.)

Seeking Validation

The performative facet of social media—parodied as Instagram vs. actuality—by no means sat nicely with me. Somewhere alongside the road, placing your “best self” ahead and staying “on brand” in feed turned a part-time job for on a regular basis folks.

Thinking about my very own social media patterns, I questioned my motivations behind my uploads. What am I looking for with every put up? Do I really want digital consideration and validation? Sure, I prefer to flex stylish outfits, write pithy commentary, and commemorate my travels and particular events as a lot as the subsequent individual. But I’ve come to understand that my every day doings don’t warrant a public discussion board, and there’s a sure dignity to staying non-public. I additionally need to take pleasure in my moments within the second, as a substitute of compulsively refreshing my display to take a look at metrics on how nicely my life performs.

To be truthful, our powers are restricted in resisting these urges. According to a former Google engineer turned pioneer of humane expertise, digital media is designed to perform like slot machines. Platforms mimic the neurological highs and lows of chasing the fun of reward, which may encourage behavioral dependancy.

VALUING TIME

As I discussed in my meditation problem assessment, I purpose to place my time to good use. It comes as no shock that senseless scrolling is counterproductive to doing simply that. À la Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t assist however surprise: If I spend an hour per day on social media, what might I obtain by dedicating that point to a extra worthy pursuit over the course of a month? A yr? A lifetime? Armed with and empowered by this attitude, my determination to give up social media was a no brainer.

Minding My Mood

I’ve been drawn to the concept of quitting social media for years—however I held onto my excuses and caveats for expensive life. For starters, I really like my memes and I’m a tradition vulture. Then, from a sensible standpoint, components of my job usually overlap with social media. And most significantly, social media gives quick access to verify in on household and buddies (which I’ll contact upon quickly). But in any other case, particularly within the weeks earlier than going chilly turkey, the platforms took a critical toll on my temper—and fairly frankly, my sanity.

These frustrations vary from selling eerily unnatural requirements of magnificence, the complicated politics of the platforms, and even its terminology. (The irony of watching “friends” battle by way of Facebook feedback wasn’t misplaced on me. Also, the concept of being a “follower” on Instagram—and particularly having a way of value ascribed to that quantity—are harsh realities I’ve hassle stomaching.) In reality, the time I wasted distressed over these triggers far exceeded the time I spent really collaborating on social media.

By trying on the analysis behind the psychology of social media, I realized that I wasn’t alone in my emotions. A 2017 examine demonstrates that heavy social media use (over two hours per day) is linked to elevated charges of melancholy and perceived isolation. Similarly, one other 2017 examine reveals that total Facebook use has a unfavourable affect on self-reported life satisfaction, bodily and psychological well being, and in some way even your physique mass index (BMI). Hard go, TYVM.

What Happens When You Quit Social Media?

As of this text’s date of publish, I’ve spent a strong three months off the digital grid. Life with out social media has been extremely helpful for me. I’ve observed constructive enhancements in all the areas through which I sought respite and launch. However, I had a couple of frequent considerations earlier than embarking on this journey, significantly when it comes to relationships and connectivity. Here’s what I’ve found.

maintaining in contact with Friends

At first, this concern was my greatest deterrent to taking a social detox. I grew up on the other coast and spent the vast majority of my 20s residing the world over in Tel Aviv. Profile-hopping was a easy approach to verify in on folks I cared about with out utterly staying out of the loop. But as I’ve realized, quitting social media doesn’t routinely lend itself to social suicide. Instead, I’ve been capable of higher give attention to the standard, relatively than amount, of my relationships. Intermittent catch-ups are extra intimate than viewing posts and tales broadcast to most people. And giving somebody my undivided consideration is extra significant than any thumbs up, double-tap, or remark with heart-eyed emojis. I’ve been capable of get a lot extra substance from these devoted interactions, as a substitute of mistakenly considering that passive public exchanges actually satiated my urge for food for connection.

As for main life moments and phases you don’t need to miss? (Think birthdays, betrothals, and infants.) Ask for deets and photographs privately, and I’m constructive you shall obtain. Some buddies, in the event that they actually love you, will even screenshot and ship over these memes you so dearly miss.

Navigating FOMO

Initially, I used to be barely involved about falling prey to the pangs of FOMO. But in all honesty, JOMO is completely legit. I really feel lighter and brighter with out wittily captioned and elegantly filtered photos of celebs, influencers, and sure—even my buddies—taking on useful headspace. Social media envy is an actual difficulty for many, as a 2019 survey from Northeastern University demonstrates. Well over half of respondents reported feeling envious of each informal and shut buddies—considerably extra so than with public figures and even exes—recurrently by way of social media alone. It seems that whereas “doing it for the ‘gram” may look good in your feed, it might probably compromise your outlook on folks you really take pleasure in IRL. And who wants that?

How to Take a Social Media Detox

I perceive that not everyone seems to be inquisitive about quitting social media for good, and even resonates with my perspective. But by talking with buddies, co-workers, and even strangers, I realized that most individuals are at the least intrigued by the concept of a short lived social detox. I extremely advocate making an attempt and seeing what occurs. What do you need to lose? And even better, what extra do you need to acquire? Do you need to be extra current, use your time extra properly, enhance productiveness, or enhance your temper and well-being? If so, think about adopting the next tricks to reap the advantages of digitally disconnecting, even only one step at a time.

For the Aspiring Digital Minimalist

Resist checking your telephone upon waking up, and put your telephone away/on silent by a given time every evening.

Ditch your telephone at meals and whenever you’re within the firm of others.

Reflect in your social media habits and see in the event that they serve affirming, value-driven functions.

Disable social media notifications to keep away from compulsive phone-checking.

Clear your feeds of accounts that induce envy, anxiousness, anger, FOMO, and many others.

Consider taking a “technology Shabbat” in the future per week.

For the Newbie Social Media Detoxer

Set an attainable timeframe to your detox, and write down your intentions and objectives for disconnecting.

Take stock of modifications in your every day habits, mind-set, and high quality of IRL interactions all through the method.

Reintroduce platforms by the top of your detox. (That is, if don’t select to remain off for longer). Devise a method to make sure your renewed social media use gives worth (vs. poisonous patterns and time-wasting) and abides by new requirements for good and constructive use.

For additional inspiration, I extremely advocate studying Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport, Silence within the Age of Noise by Erling Kagge, and Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now by Jaron Lanier.

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