#it was a liminal space despite actually being decently busy

[autumnoakes]

sometimes i actively miss working

i don't miss the 12 hour days, but i miss the routine of it

i don't miss waking up at 4:30 in the morning, but i miss sitting at the train station, eating my breakfast sandwich and waiting for my bus while it was still dark out.

i don't miss standing for hours on end, but i miss some of the tasks

i don't miss serving customers, but i miss preparing food

sometimes i miss working, despite how horrible it was

[fudeh]

Since I’ve got nothing better to do for the next half an hour while I wait to see the doc I’ll do that life update thing now

Long post /// bc mobile still don’t got read more

I’m picking up where I left off like… A month ago

-typed out at the end of jan- [I don’t even know where to start like so much time has passed since i started the service and i still feel like I’m being thrown around. My routine changed when military started so I’m gonna be up at 5am everyday until i fuck right off this hellish 2 years. Which means 1. I’m gonna be too exhausted to draw 2. I gotta sleep early so i can get a decent amount of sleep 3. I can’t stay up late to do anything like what the fuck. My skins gonna be complete shit as well bc of the lack of sleep and the new train station construction near my house for the next 6 fucking years. And I’m so afraid of losing touch with drawing bc of this and i only have 3-4 hours when i get back to do EVERYTHING before i go to bed it’s just not enough time and I’m so fucking pissed that this goddamn shite country is robbing me of 2 years of my life I’m basically a prisoner of the government for 2 years or an actual prisoner for a longer period plus the 2 years i gotta serve after like… Fuck

And within those 4 hours everyday i want to draw and catch up with everyone and tumblr and i don’t even have the energy to wash my goddamn lunch box once i shower let alone draw so i feel like i have to force it or I’ll fall into the shitty brain rot routine that my seniors have acclimated themselves to. I’m so afraid of not doing anything and falling behind bc of this i don’t want to forget all the ideas i have i want to be able to create as much content as i can DESPITE of this really suck situation but i can’t bc i don’t have the goddamn energy. Everyone in the office is like “oh youre gonna end up just sleeping, watching movies and playing games like the rest of us during our days” and I’m like “UM FUCK NO” bc i spent so much time accumulating momentum i don’t want to lose that, i don’t want to get rusty, i don’t want to waste my time more so than i already am??

Not to mention that everyone here is a sexist racist homophobic ignorant fool and we’ve got 2 extremely loud assholes who don’t shut up i swear one day one of us will die and it’ll not be by accident. It’s like going back to the /lovely/ environment of secondary school being surrounded by 16 year old boys who punctuate their sentences with slurs without batting an eye]

For most of January and the beginning of February I dealt with what I assume was depression and at this point I’ve decided to take a break from art mostly bc the more I feel that I have to do it the more stressed I get so idk I’m still fucking pissed but I tired myself out

Now for some good things

The past 3 weeks I’ve been… Incredibly busy tbh too busy to feel shitty even tho I’ve been on like 4 hours of sleep 6 days a week. I’ve been super involved in my Kristang group and they’ve literally saved me I’ve never met such a great bunch of people. I feel engaged and reconnected to my heritage and I have something to look forward to and friends who I feel safe around. They’re also so mature and such great critical thinkers it’s it’s hard to keep up at times but I’m gonna catch up and I’m gonna grow and I’m so excited. I’m facilitating one class and going for another and eventually I’ll be a teacher, of my own heritage langauwg and honestly that’s fucking cool ok. We’re creating a board game as well and I ended up being in charge of it?? The art aspect anyway

I’ve gotten so much closer to the group over the past 3 weeks I admit its a bit scary bc I’ve spent less time with my other friends and I’m afraid of losing them but I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Even tho I’m the new kid, the youngest with the least experience they still treat me the same and its both an honor but also scary bc they move so fast I cannot keep up. They think on their feet on a level I’ve never seen nor expected of 23-31 year olds. The age range is pretty diverse too bc with me it’s now a 10 year range. Also racially diverse (there’s me, eurasian, a Chinese girl, Malayali guy, javanese guy, Portuguese guy and a Chinese eurasian and its that typical diverse friend group that universities try to sell to students ) sbut only 2 of us aren’t linguists.

I feel like I belong there. I’m not in some weird liminal space. They get me. They energize me. I cried when I told my mum about them tbh

There’s gonna be a Kristang language festival in May too and its the first in the country??? The first festival to celebrate the language of my people??? And I’m a part of bringing it to life like?? It’s so unreal. I’ve also learnt that both the government and our race support group organization are a shitty bunch of ppl so that kinda sucks but lol what to expect

I’ve finally picked up embroidery and I’m enjoying it so much. it’s a good alternative to drawing bc I’m still creating in a sense. I’m looking forward to this I can’t wait to customize my shit like catch me with personalized jackets and shit

I told my parents about religion, came out to my cousin, had my first kiss with a friend and nothing got messed up emotionally (still Platonic and we’re both so thankful) ( I also rlly like kissing and we’re cool doing it again)

That’s p much all there is to it rn, national service is shitty, language saving my ass and I’m making progress on being open with my family