#it truly seemed like ellie learned something from that

[cheyisagirlkisser]

—Charity Girl—

Jackson Ellie x Fem! reader one-shot

Content: Slightly enemies to lovers, Ellie’s an asshole, AFAB reader, mentions of death and slightly graphic description, smut, nipple play, oral sex (r! receiving), making out, Ellie isn’t very cannon so if that peeves you don’t read this, mentions of weed, set in TLOU 2 universe, Joel is alive!!, this is unedited so lmk if there is any typos

Word Count: 5k

Description: You love Jackson, and you like helping people out. From farm chores to playing chess with the elderly, you’re liked around Jackson for being a charitable girl. You think everyone deserves some kindness. Everyone except Ellie, who can’t seem to find it in her to be nice to the one person who doesn’t deserve a harsh word.

God, you hated Ellie Williams.

You didn't want to say you hated her. You were a friendly person and you tried to be respectful to everyone. You even tolerated Seth, who was one of Jackson's conservative-minded guys. You rightfully disliked him, but you still remained civil when it came to professional matters.

However, it was just so hard to remain that way with Ellie. You didn't even know how truly irritating she was just seeing her around town, glancing over at her before she left for patrols with usually Jesse, Dina, Tommy, or Joel. She seemed pretty likable, at least from what you had heard. She moved to Jackson a while ago, before you even arrived at the settlement. You had never really needed to talk or had any interest in becoming friends.

You were a kind girl, and everyone in Jackson knew that. You liked helping out even if patrols weren't your strong suit. You felt insecure in that category being a bit less into scavenging and the dangers that lurked outside the town, so you decided to at least make yourself a bit useful. You made it a habit to use your love of baking to bring cupcakes to the playground for all of the children to eat. Sometimes it made you a bit sad to think about how little they had growing up in a post-apocalyptic world, but that wasn't a thought you could dwell on. You also made sure to keep the few senior citizens company because most people just didn't have the time to spend with them. Not that you didn't understand that, but you didn't sign up for patrols voluntarily unless someone else was ill and needed you to cover for them, or Maria needed an extra person. But it was just heart warming to know you made an impact since many of the old folks in towns didn't have family to keep them company. You'd spend hours playing board games with them, baking those little pastries they all complimented, asking them about their days. You were an angel amongst Jackson.

You were also extremely known for helping with food related jobs, such as gardening and farming. It was rewarding, since even though currency was quite useless in the world nowadays, you had the income of being able to take home vegetables, milk, butter, and even eggs when the chickens were active.

You mostly got along with anyone, and you tried to be a humble person. You just wanted to make the most of what you had. However, Ellie was..well, she was something. You'd soon be learning that.

It was summer, and everything was going fine for you. The sunlight hit Jackson in the most divine way and birds were flying over the settlement. You finished up with collecting eggs from one of the henhouses, so you grabbed a few as payment and headed to the diner to drop off a few. Everything was relatively normal. You glanced over at the gate and noticed that Jesse and Ellie had just gotten back from a patrol. Jesse was laughing about something and Ellie looked amusingly irritated. You couldn't help but think to yourself about how she was a pretty girl. She always wore her hair in a low messy bun, bangs framing her freckled face. You always were curious about her, but you just wrote your thoughts off as simple appreciation for her.

After you distributed the eggs to the diner and the supply building, you headed home. It was a short walk since Jackson wasn't a majorly huge place. Your house was small since you moved there alone, but it still home. You opened the front door and stepped inside. You still smelled the candles you'd lit from the previous night when you had been watching movies on DVDs found outside of Jackson on your small television. It was always the same movies. 10 Things I hate about you, Forest Gump, Scream, the Blair Witch Project(which had scared you so badly you were afraid to go patrolling in the forest for 3 months straight; you pathetically begged Maria not to make you do patrols), and E.T. It was just a random assortment of movies you had found in an abandoned house in a town outside of Jackson, but entertainment was entertainment. Who were you to complain?

You opened your fridge and stored the eggs inside, and then spent the next few minutes internally debating what you could do with your free-time. You still had a few books on your shelf that were mainly unread, but you hated staying indoors and reading like a hermit. Well, it was a nice day. You shuffled over to your shelf and picked up a book you'd borrowed from Cat a while ago and never read: Carmilla by Sheridan Le Fanu. Apparently, it was a classic a few centuries ago. With the book in hand, you left your house to find the well-used bench outside of the Tipsy Bison. It was where you loved to just sit and socialize with people or read when you wanted to breathe in fresh air.

One thing about you was that you enjoyed nature. While you did hate patrols, the idea of having to fend for yourself being unappealing, you loved the beautiful parts of it. Some debated that the infection was a part of nature, and you knew that, too. But still, you preferred being in the safety of a settlement. You knew what it was like to spend time in the outside world and it wasn't pretty. You enjoyed inhaling the air, watching as people lived their lives. Mortality was so precious right now, and maybe that's why you tried so hard to get along with everyone. You thought everyone deserved kindness.

Still, this life you led was mundane and boring at times. You were slightly envious of the patrollers. People in the current world were often restless, and as much as you’d think Jackson’s residents would love a mundane life with safety, they craved the survival. Maybe it was from their own personal trauma, but you weren’t able get that same lapse in routine everyone else got. It made you crave something extra from life, always feeling as if something was missing. Life this way, spent working and your free-time devoted to simple things, felt too easy. It felt like a deal in which you didn’t know the conditions of, and you subconsciously believed every good thing in the world had a cost. This easy lifestyle had to have a price.

For the next 15 minutes, you began your reading on that small bench. That was, until you heard someone sit down next to you. You glanced over to see Ellie there, alone next to you without any of her companions. Not that she was incapable of being alone, of course, but Ellie was the type of person to be reserved to her select group. Not a social butterfly like you, but well liked in an ironic way. She was so effortlessly able to get people to like her while not caring about whether or not people liked her. You gave her a warm smile and quickly doggy-eared the page you were reading, closing the book and setting it down into your lap.

"Can I help you with something?" You asked, remaining polite. You knew you probably seemed short with her, but if you were being truthful, the girl made you a tad bit nervous. Really, she had a positive impression on your brain. Before you really got to know her, at least.

She shrugged, feigning indifference, and answered you in a voice that was slightly teasing, her voice lacking the type of friendly amusement you'd expect from her. "Just wanted to say hi. Why is it that you sit out here everyday? Do you not have anything else to do?"

You were a bit shocked by that reply to say the least. You didn't ever expect Ellie to be even slightly rude. However, you were trying to be friendly. You'd kill this with some kindness. "Well, it's a nice day. I like the fresh air, you know?" You answered, trying to not sound too defensive.

The girl simply gave you a look you couldn't identify. Slight disapproval, and something you couldn't read. "You like fresh air? I thought you hated being outside. You know, since you never volunteer to go outside the walls and contribute?"

Now, that started to peeve you. Ellie was gorgeous, but even your little crush on her that you didn't realize you even had would save her now. Still..you tried to be friendly. Kindness is a virtue, you reminded yourself. "Everyone has their preferences. I personally like helping with the animals and harvesting crops." Once again, you tried to not sound too defensive. Something about Ellie's demeanor, the way she was looking at you intently, it made you feel as if she was trying to tease you to get a reaction out of you.

"Well, suit yourself then. But people risk their lives for you. The least you could do is return the favor. That's all I had to say." And with that last comment, she just stood up and waved at you before walking off.

It was so hard not to catch up to her and ask her what her deal was, but that would cause more problems than it would solve for you. You sat on the bench, confused and frustrated.

The next few weeks, these little comments Ellie made to you continued. It was either some slight judgment about the book you were reading or that you spent too much time trying to look sweet that you were actually just useless. It was always with a tone that was so rude yet seemed teasing. You wondered if she meant any of it. You always tried to defend yourself, but you were starting to really despise Ellie. You considered talking to someone like Maria, Tommy, or Joel about it, but would they even believe you? Ellie was usually not so rude from the conversations you had overheard. She seemed like a normal girl. It was frustrating having nobody to tell this to. Your friends always laughed you off, saying that Ellie was probably just joking with you to be friendly and that you were misunderstanding her. Everyone in Jackson loved Ellie, and she seemed to get along with everyone just fine except for you. Still, you tried to be sweet. You would simply brush her off, pretend like she was just some old person who made subtle criticisms and not anything serious. It was just really starting to get to you, though. You wondered how long you could manage.

Turns out, you would have to manage a patrol with her. Someone did in fact become ill and had to turn down a patrol, so you volunteered. Only then did Maria seem to mention that your partner was Ellie. You wanted to beg to swap with someone else, but you didn't want to inconvenience anyone, so you accepted the fate. It was a foot patrol among the south trails. 8 hours of pure torture.

Foot patrols were entirely different matters than what usual patrols entail. For starters, usual patrols require horses and cover more distance. They’re less dangerous. Being on foot also requires you to trust your partner more, which you struggle to do with your current partner. You have to trust that they’ll cooperate with you and have your back if things get tough. However, foot patrols do not require patrollers to hit up the main buildings or hot spots. You only check into the small places around the area, such as the office downtown or the gun store a mile from the grocery store. You’re less likely to get ambushed by a horde of clickers that way.

The fact that it was a summer patrol instead of winter made it slightly better. You imagined what it’d be like if you and Ellie got trapped in a snowstorm and were locked into some grocery store together. Annoyingly enough, the idea of having to share body heat with her made your heart flutter more than you’d like to admit. Summer patrols meant you’d probably have to take a lot of rests so neither of you would overheat, however.v

The cork board outside of the supply station mocked you in a way with your name being beside Ellie’s. You truly began to wonder if you could handle being alone with the girl who subtly tormented you for weeks straight without finally snapping. You didn’t want to know what would happen if you snapped at her. Would she yell back, or maybe even report you to Maria? You just knew that your usual patience was wearing thin.

You went home and collapsed onto your bed, hoping that a good night’s sleep would somehow save you from the situation you’d be facing tomorrow. As if Ellie would suddenly leave you be if you got enough sleep—you were just truly desperate.

Night didn’t last forever, and you woke to the sight of light streaming through your curtains in small patches. You groaned and forced yourself to get out of bed. The alarm clock read “6 A.M.” Much too early to have to deal with Ellie Williams.

You took a quick shower just to freshen up and got ready for the day, messily tying your hair back and putting on a pair of tan cargo pants, a light button-up, and a pair of combat boots. Simple, but safe. You packed a bag with some emergency medical supplies including gauze, alcohol pads, and a bottle of ibuprofen. You knew that you'd be given a care package from the supply crew, but you liked to be safe.

You would always grab a shotgun and a pistol from the weaponry building. Most people would choose to take the rifles, but you found it easier to shoot a light pistol and shotguns were easier to aim with. You knew the more trained people, Ellie included, would bring knives or machetes to clear infected with. You didn't trust yourself to get so close to the infected, at least not without something like a gun. Extra ammo, and extra MREs. You always felt a bit more safe bringing just a few extra things in case of emergencies.

You remember when you arrived at Jackson, and you were assigned your very first patrol at 17. You spent hours before patrol preparing with extra equipment, and it soon became a habit to overthink the experience. Your partners would ask about it, maybe give you an odd look, but most people just got used to it after a while. Everyone assumed it was because of your life before Jackson, and they'd guessed right.

The children that were raised in Jackson were unfortunate to have even been born in such a dangerous world that can snatch away the people you care for most, but they at least grew up into safety. You were nomadic, moving from settlement to settlement, group to group, or even just setting up camp in the middle of a forest or abandoned city. It was a dangerous life, and it left you constantly losing sleep, waking up and wondering if your father who you traveled with would be able to protect you if something truly happened. If the two of you had the misfortune of stumbling upon a horde of infected or run into a slaver group. It was often that you'd sleep so lightly, even the sound of a mouse scurrying across an abandoned office floor would wake you. You were terrified with the thought of being eaten alive in your sleep or worse, bitten, and left to slowly lose your humanity.

The day your father was killed off wasn't much different than any other, and that resulted in your current state. Always being overprepared because maybe you could prevent sudden death. Just maybe if you brought one extra gauze strip, you'd somehow prevent past you from watching your father be torn apart from a clicker. Jackson was supposed to be a fresh start for you, so you always found yourself repeating the same phrase.

"Make the best of what you have, and don't dwell on what you've lost."

Sometimes you break your own rules, though.

It was around 6:45 when you arrived at the gates. The sun wasn't up yet, and that meant flashlights would probably be necessary. One downside to summer patrol was that the sun set late, but the sun rose late, too. You anticipated the hues of orange and pink that would paint the sky and give you light.

You were snapped out of your thoughts when Ellie cleared her throat, signaling she was here and ready to go. You stole a glance at her and your heart fell into your stomach.

She looked messy and somehow so gorgeous that it hurt. She had a slightly masculine energy to her with a pair of brown leathers boots and boot-cut dark jeans that still found a way to hug her thighs so deliciously. She wore a short-sleeve t-shirt you'd seen on her before and her low bun had strands falling out of it, strands you secretly wanted to tuck behind her ears.

You scratched those thoughts out of your head when she opened her mouth.

"Are you conscious? We need to get moving." She had a slightly scolding tone that made you want to bite back with something just as condescending, but you held back.

Instead, you simply nodded, and Ellie probably could've sworn that you had veins popping out of your forehead. Who could've blamed you? Ellie was such an asshole to you.

Ellie's mind was an extremely complicated place. Her thoughts were quick, and she felt the need to always be on task. However, one difference between the two of you was that she got into trouble at times. It was quite inevitable though, especially when she was friends with Dina and Jesse.

Incidents like getting high off her ass on patrol, messing around with a squeaky toy and accidently attracting a group of walkers, losing her temper and pissing off a group of stragglers, or when her and Jesse abused the walkie-talkies.

She was naturally in need of routine breaks, and maybe that's why she teased you so much. She felt a little envious. You were this perfect girl, sweet as they come, who cared for the people in town who didn't usually have company. You didn't do patrols and you were still an incredibly hard worker in ways Ellie felt lacking, because there were so many people around town who kissed your ass for doing something as simple as milking the cows.

That wasn't all Ellie's thoughts about you were based around, though. Something about how boring your life was somehow appealed to her, and she hated herself for even thinking about you. She also shouldn't have been obsessing over a girl who was probably straight, like most girls in Jackson, of course. But something about you really made her want to break you and see you snap. Maybe that's why she spent so much time trying to get a reaction out of you. She knew she was being a dickhead to you, but she still just needed to see that snap. She'd finally be able to know that you were more than just some nice girl, then.

Truth was, Ellie was probably in love with you with the amount she thought about you. Insulting you was so easy, though. It was so easy to pretend that she didn't like you than to make an effort to impress you and be herself. She was scared of letting you know who she actually was because you may reject her forreal, and she couldn't handle that.

So it was best to pretend like she enjoyed being extremely condescending to you.

The first two hours of patrol was spent walking in close proximity on the trails south of the creek. You could practically smell the water, and you could feel the slight breeze that gave you some relief the extreme heat. Every now and then you'd take a sip of water and look around cautiously. Caution was something you couldn't live without, and Ellie seemed to take a notice to that. It was just your lucky day that she was in the mood to be an asshole to you again.

She'd make small remarks to you, sometimes questioning the way your hands trembled anxiously, or asking you why you didn't bring any good weapons. When it was lunch time, she laughed at the ridiculous amount of rations in your backpack. Slowly, you felt peeved. Why was Ellie such a bitch to you? You knew she didn't actually care about these things, yet she loved to point them out in the most grating voice she could muster up. After one particular comment that was something along the lines of "You know, it's embarrassing that someone else had to get sick for you do take a patrol shift" that finally made you snap.

You halted along the trail and turned to face her, a sudden irrational wave of anger flooding your system. "What the fuck is your problem?! Are you just mad because you hate me? Is that it? I don't understand what I did to deserve you constantly criticizing me!" You snapped, voice clear with anger. You stepped forward and you wanted to slap her across the face, hardly holding back from doing so. Ellie sensed this and maybe she felt a twinge of fear and something else you didn't even notice. This was odd seeing as she could easily kick your ass. Her back hit a large tree, her eyes widened as if she couldn't have possibly predicted this reaction. This only made you more irritated.

You stepped forward, your body close enough to hears that you could hear her inhale and exhale, and it was a shaky sound that you would've questioned if it weren't for your anger serving as a distraction. "Answer me, asshole! Why do you hate me so much?! Just fucking-" And you were cut off with a kiss.

Her hands desperately grasped at your face, pulling you closer as she kissed you. It wasn't the standard type of sweet kiss in which two people would brush up against each other's lips. She was practically devouring you with her need. At first, you couldn't process what was happening. Ellie was kissing you so hard you felt almost lightheaded. But for some reason, all of the anger you felt was flushed away as you began to kiss her back.

Ellie took some initiative and flipped you around so that you were backed up against the tree, the rough bark digging into your back. However, you couldn't focus on any discomfort present in your body. All you could feel was the numbing swell of your lips as Ellie's practically bruised yours. You felt her teeth bite on your bottom lip, and you let out a pathetic moan. Her hands were somehow everywhere, from your face to the sides of your body as if she was trying to pull the warmth from your body.

She tasted so fucking good, it was hard to stop. You could faintly taste copper from where she bit down onto your lip, but you could also taste her in such an intimate way, it was more emotional than it seemed. A mix of her toothpaste, and an Earthiness you'd imagined she'd contain. The two of you were lost in each other that patrol was all but forgotten.

You finally had to pull away to breathe, but she needed more. Her hands trailed across your chest, palming at your tits through your shirt. You tilted your head back against the tree, and she took the opportunity to leave hungry kisses on your pulse point, probably sucking hard enough on your skin to leave hickey's you'd lecture her about later. But for now, you didn't care.

It was all a blur, her pulling at your clothes and the both of you left naked against the tree not long after. She tugged at your hair while lapping at your tits, and this made you breathless. "Ellie, please.." You didn't even know what you were begging for.

She let out a soft noise and released the latch she had on one of your tits. “Fuck, I like this version of you so much better than the other one..” She said, her voice riddled with an obvious sense of need that made your thigh involuntarily clench. She moved upwards, her tongue meeting your collarbone and then up to your jaw. She kissed down the side of your neck, the heat of her mouth and the wetness of her tongue enveloping you. You tilted your head back, your breathing coming out in soft pants. You didn’t understand how you could hate her moments before and somehow be a mess for her now. You really wanted to hate how good it felt, but you really couldn’t even find an ounce of fight left in you to try and push her away. You didn’t want to push her away. 

Her hands moved to your tits, kneading them softly, pinching your nipples while she mouthed at the sensitive spot between your shoulder and neck. It felt like heaven the way her lips caressed your skin. 

She moved much too slowly down your body, kissing both of your stiff nipples before sliding her tongue down your navel. Her hands pulled at your waist and you couldn’t help but arch your back slightly to meet her mouth as it moved against your thighs. She tried to tease you as best she could while being so horny as well, but soon she gave up on the idea altogether. 

“Fuck, you’re so wet..” Was the last thing she muttered before the heat of her mouth finally pressed up against your cunt making you clench around nothing. She parted your thighs gently and you struggled to stay standing against the tree. Your hands tangled into her hand to find purchase as her tongue lapped at your clit like you were dinner. Not like rations or canned soup you’d typically find lying around in an old grocery store, but a michelin star meal. You were far too expensive for her budget and she was taking advantage of the sample she got. She imagined what it’d be like to have you everyday, to be able to bring you please like this for hours on end. But she was too far gone to really dwell on the thought long before she was wrapping her soft lips around your clit and giving it a suck, making you tug on her roots and rocking your hips against her mouth, grinding your wet cunt against her mouth. She was so warm and you were soaking for her, and it was absolutely perfect.

Sometimes, you had overheard philosophical drunken conversions at the Tipsy Bison. People with flushed cheeks would talk of hatred. That was nothing new; hatred was always common in the world, even before the infection. But hearing someone talk about how hatred is just a negative type of love, now that part stuck with you. You could feel hatred for Ellie while she worked at your cunt, you told yourself. You repeated into your head that hate was unglorified love. Maybe it was desire, too. 

But you struggled to keep that notion in your head as her tongue swirled around you teasingly before not holding back one bit. And before you knew it, you were a goner. Your breaths grew shorter as your climax finally took over, your knees nearly buckling as you let out a loud cry against the release you were feeling. You were violently tugging at her auburn strands, making her moan in return, only sending more shocks through your body as you felt her send warm vibrations through your pussy. 

You nearly forgot how to speak. 

Eventually, you went limp against the tree, and she stood up to hold you close. Your breaths were ragged for a while and the two of you remained silent until she broke it with a soft sigh. 

“I am sorry for being a jerk..I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.” She whispered softly, her breath hitting your neck. 

Finally, you found your voice again, though it was unsteady and quiet. “I just didn’t understand..I still don’t. I thought you hated me.” 

She frowned at that and hugged your tightly, which showed to you that this moment was much more than sexual desire shared between the two of you. “No, I don’t hate you. I’m just an idiot, okay? I was jealous, and I sort of liked you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you ever.”

That made your heart beat just a little faster. “You…like me back?” You asked, needing her to say it just one more time. 

“Yes. I like you too. I swear, I think I’m in love with you the way I’m so obsessed with you. You were always taking up space in my mind..it was driving me insane.” She admitted, and it caused you to lean forward to plant a soft kiss on her lips. Both of your lips were still kiss-swollen and your body was shaking with the after-glow of your orgasm, but this kiss was much more gentle than the previous. It was soft and made you even more weak than her tongue did. Which was saying a lot.

She hugged you tightly, her hands finding purchase at your waist. You thought about getting dressed and going on with patrol, but none of it felt right now. The situation gave you that lapse in routine you needed, and you knew you were probably addicted to the feeling of Ellie’s presence now. Somehow, you couldn’t care less. That was a first.

[woodland-gremlin]

How to Adopt Your Clone Pt. 1 (Adoption AU)

Ao3

Elle loves flying. The way the wind whips around her, the weightlessness of it, how small everything looks so high up, and most of all how freeing it is.When she is up in the air she is free, safe, away from everything that hurts her and tries to drag her down into their control. Free, never being tied down and forced into a role she never wanted. Free, able to go from place to place, exploring a world that was kept from her. Free to be herself, to learn what she wants and who she is. Ellie truly loved flying and the freedom it offers down to her very core. She wouldn’t trade it for anything, much less anything that the Fruitloop offered. 

She was just so lonely. She has traveled far and wide, exploring different cultures, meeting new people, and learning about the world that the oldest Halfa hid from her. That is how she learned he lied to her more than she thought. While somewhere like the horror stories he told her most were nothing like he said. The people she met and spoke to were as wide and diverse as the sea. Some were tall and strong, while others were small and sneaky. Some knew so much she didn’t know how they fit everything in their head, then some may have not known as much but were no less clever. Some remind her of the Creep and why she left, yet others remind her of her template, Danny.

It seemed like that no matter where she went she saw something that reminded her of the first person to accept her. An observatory telling her all about space and the stars he endlessly spoke about. A mechanic down on his luck. A kid in highschool that was stressed about finals.The kind old lady that gave her the last of her own food to her because she noticed she was hungry. Someone told a ridiculous pun that made everyone groan. Another that saved a cat from a tree. Even seeing someone with black hair with either blue or green eyes made her turn her head and do a double take.

The worst was when another hero saved the day. She never stayed for too long when that happened, it made her bitter. Bitter to hear of a hero that claimed that they could hear a cry for help from across the world but never bothered to save her. Where was he when she and her siblings were being abused by a madman? When her sibling kept dying, only to be replaced by another as if they were objects? When she was being manipulated into betraying one of the only people that was treated with kindness?

In the end it was her own template that was the one to save her, not some boy scout who thought it was a good idea to wear his underwear over his other clothes. Her own template who had every reason to hate her after everything that had happened but instead looked her in the eye and said she was family. Who offered to risk his own freedom, his own safety, for the one-in-the-million chance his parents would accept and she would have a safe place to stay. Who saw her as her own person, even helping her come up with a new name after she offhandedly mentioned that she hated the one Knock-off Vampire gave her. Who made a grave for his siblings and worked to give each of them names after she chose her own. Who saw each and everyone as their own person, not just a failed copy that Cliche Money Bags saw us as. Who mourned them, who grieved the lives that they never got to experience, that he was too late to save them.

Danny was a hero, much more than the League of Idiots who can’t even see what is right in front of them. She doubts that they would treat her or her siblings even half as well as Danny, much less if they were clones of them.

[pantheresssy]

Good Hurt (Abby Anderson/ Reader)

Part 2 here.

Synopsis: Abby wanted to keep it casual. You didn’t. Drowning in your feelings for her, you had no option but to try to get away from her sight. That’s when you meet Ellie Williams.

warnings: slightly angst and fluffy ellie, probably ooc!els too.

Everything should be different in college. You would live the life you always dreamed of. Studying what you love, being responsible and no longer depending on your parents for anything. Your golden years.

All that matters for you was learning and getting the best out of classes, to really learn what you liked. And in the first months, that’s exactly what happened. You were a great student, always having great grades and fell in loving more and more with where you was at every day. But someone showed up, — someone that made your perfect little world collide.

Abby Anderson, a student that you had heard about but never really saw. She studied on the other side of the campus, your friends had told you about how she was beautiful, giving you details of her that you never thought it was possible to see. It took you a while to figure out for yourself if she was everything people talked about; smart, hot, beautiful, a bitch. But when it happened, your expectations were proved.

She hadn’t liked you at first. The looks she gave you were prove enough that, if she didn’t hated you, she had some sort of problem with you. Abby didn’t had as many friends as you did, always walking around with a guy named Owen that took classes with her. Your friends had told you that he was the only one she trusted, and that’s why she was all skeptical every time someone new came close. So you tried to be the best version of yourself until she looked more… open to talked to you more than the usual ‘good morning’, ‘i’m fine’ and ‘have to go’.

It took you a full month to get close, and one more for her to make sure you were someone cool. Abby was sweet after she let go of her protective barrier. She helped you with your homework and you did the same for her. She gave you the best conversations you ever had and seemed to be truly interested in what you had to say. Even though it took more than smiles and introductions for her to consider someone a real friend, with you it wasn’t the same. Since the day you made an effort to talk to her more, you had considered her one.

Something had changed along the way of this kind-of-friendship. You didn’t know when, only realizing it when she was sitting by your side and you looked at her, noticing every trace of her. Her nose, the freckles that fit on her cheek and spread across the rest of her face, her eyelashes, her chin. You had never looked so carefully at another person as you did at her in that moment. And when she turned to look at you, what had changed inside you came out. Your first kiss with her. Abby. The girl who didn’t like you at first, every girl's desire. Your newly discovered friend. Happened.

From that day on, she became all you could think of. Abby wasn’t complicated. She treated you better than any of your previous girlfriends had and was genuinely interested in you, not in what you could give. At least you thought so.

In your mind, what you had with her was real. She was your girlfriend, even without her ever asking you to be. The way she looked at you and the way you looked back told you that her feelings were as strong as yours. The kisses and the way she adored you showed that her love was as deep as yours. Your euphoria grew each time; you couldn’t get her out of your mind and body. She was everything you ever wanted and, at the same time, everything you never had. Until you were confronted by the circumstances.

You were having lunch with her, looking and listening to her as if she held the world. And she was doing the same. Flirting was common to you, something you two developed over time, and you knew she liked it if her smiles were any indication. But when Owen arrived at your table, she changed. It was like turning a key in a closed door. In a second, she held nothing but indifference. She had never acted that way before, so cold and distant all of a sudden. Not even when she first met you she was acting so rude. But you let it slip, thinking that she wasn’t ready to show any type of affection in front of anyone yet.

Whatsoever, your hopes were crushed when, not long after, she did it again. It became common: every time that someone showed up, she acted like nothing was happening. Later, you noticed that it was even more common when Owen was around.

You could hold quiet until a certain point and when n she reached it, you felt it was time to start to make questions. “You’re seeing things where you shouldn’t,” You were doing it, trying to take from her something other than empty answers.

“Shouldn’t I?” You asked, your voice going up with your indignation. Abby’s shoulders tensed, knowing what it meant. “Every time someone’s around you change. Especially when Owen is.”

For the first time since you started to questioning her, she turned around. Now face to face, you could see the anger in her eyes and her white fingers of squeezing the pen she was holding. “What does he have to do with your paranoia? You're not making any fuckin' sense.”

“Every single time he’s around you change, Abby. I know you don’t like to be so close to someone around others but… when it’s him,” You swallowed, your eyebrows frowning with anguish. “It’s like going back to day one.”

Abby crossed her arms. “Again, you’re seeing things where you shouldn’t. This is fuckin’ bullshit, Y/n. Stop being such a baby.”

You rubbed your hands on your face, squeezing it against your eyes until you saw stars. “I’m trying to have a real conversation here, Abby. Just tell me…”

“I just did it! You want to keep creating those stupid situations so you have a reason to do this.” She pointed between you.

The indignation you felt only increased with every word she said. “To do what? Trying to fix something I think is wrong? Trying to find answers for what I saw?”

Abby went silent for a second and her eyes met yours. You kept staring at each other for a few moments before she said anything. You were tired of fighting with her. “Nothing is broken. I’m not broken. But if you keep doing this, Y/n, it will be.”

You sighed. “I’m sorry for thinking that you’re ashamed of me, that you don’t want anyone to know what we have.”

She was looking for something on your face, taking her eyes to your mouth and back to your eyes. Trying to read you, that’s what she was doing. “Nobody need to. I’m not your girlfriend.”

It was like a stab in your stomach. Reminding you this caused more pain that you imagined. “Because you don’t want to,”

“And still you keeping putting names and wanting things that I don’t feel the need to.”

Three. Four. Ten stabs. This time in your heart.

You nodded and pressed your lips together, looking away from her. The purse you brought was thrown on the floor and you were quick on picking it up, wanting to leave there as fast as you could. “I’m sorry, Abby. I’ll never made the same mistake again.”

And then you left, beating the door behind you and promising for yourself that you’d never go back there again — but complying would be more difficult.

——————————————

“She’s not here, Y/n. Calm down.” Dina, your friend, told you while handing a glass for you. You knew she was right. Abby wasn’t someone to go for college fraternity parties, but you still feared that she all of sudden changed. She did it with you, she could do it now.

Letting your worries go away, you relaxed against the counter and kept staring at your drink, taking a few sips at now and then. You weren’t in the mood for drunk people and loud music, being too focused on your mind. Dina thought it was the best for you and you gave her this vote of confidence. When you arrived there, however, you regretted it at the same second. It was too loud, too bright. Even though it was a place for your mind to be filled with so much information, you couldn’t stop looking at the crowd secretly hoping to see her.

You knew it wouldn’t be easy, but you were trying to let her out of your mind and heart.

As the days went on, you found yourself sinking even more into your studies. Your world started revolving around your classes again and you were happy to have something to distract yourself until bedtime. That’s when everything got more difficult.

While lying in bed with your eyes closed, trying to chase sleep, your mind spun with thoughts. This was the worst part of the day — where you had nothing to worry about, leaving room for anything that wanted to show up. Since that day, it’s been Abby. You didn’t want to, but you couldn’t control it. She was all you had for so long, the one who was by your side and shared everything with you, from your bed to your meals.

Dina realized your problems and suggested several solutions that eventually stopped working. That’s when you saw no other way out but to go with her to that party in a desperate attempt to prove to her that nothing would work, that you just needed to be left alone to recover. She was the best friend you had, but her stubbornness knew no limits.

While you were there, feeling pretty bothered about the situation you were in, you didn’t notice when she left your side. You only saw it when she returned with someone holding her hand. “Y/n, this is Ellie,” She said, pulling the girl closer by the wrist. Ellie smiled.

“Hey,” You said, trying to return the smile but it came out as a grimace, your lips pressed. You knew you might seem a little rude, so you tried to make up for it with words. “Nice to meet you. Wanna sit?”

Ellie let go of Dina’s grip and sat by your side. She wasn’t looking directly at you, but you could see the corners of her eyes blinking to you. “You’re not enjoying this, are you?”

You laughed. "Yeah. Dina really wanted me to come, she wouldn't give up until she made it happen." Taking a sip of your drink, you continued, "I'm just... dealing with a few things that are bothering me."

Ellie bit the inside of her cheek. She wanted to ask why, but she didn’t know if she would get an answer or a 'fuck off'. "Do you have classes with her?"

"No, I'm studying journalism," You replied and she raised her eyebrows in surprise. "What about you?"

Ellie adjusted on the bench, leaning one of her arms on the counter. This way, she was facing you with the upper part of her body. “English language and literature. I’m a writer.”

You looked at her with more interest. “What do you write? Book’s or…?” She shook her head no.

“Songs.”

When she told you that, you realized. She looked like someone who would write songs, those romantic ones that could make any girl fall to her knees if one of them were inspired by her. Ellie had soft features, with eyes that were gentle, the kind that could make anyone fall in love at first sight.

You locked eyes with her and gave a more genuine smile this time. "It's a surprise, although you seem like someone who would write them. Are you some kind of Taylor Swift type of writer?"

She made a face. "No, no. I compose all kinds of music. Romantic, pop, anything."

Squinting at her playfully, with a hint of disbelief in your eyes, you replied, "That, I can't picture."

Ellie laughed and shrugged, looking at her hand hanging off the counter. "Why's that?"

“I don’t know, you just seem like someone who wouldn’t do it.” You said, running your eyes up her body stopping – again – on her eyes. “I imagine those songs like the clichés that are on the soundtrack of movies.”

You and Ellie faced each other for a second, the moment being broken when you turned your attention to your almost empty glass. "I'll show you my notebook then, if you want to."

Silence, and then your response. “I do, yes.”

As she continued to talk about her work, asking you about what you like and genuinely listening to what you had to say, you forgot about Abby for a while. Ellie was involving you in a conversation where you were really enjoying every word you said. And for that, you felt grateful.

Good hurt. That’s what Abby became on that few moments. A good hurt that would grow again once you were left alone.

And part 01 of ‘casual’ is finished!

i wonder if ‘English language and literature’ is right, in my country it’s a different word. I’m sorry if this is wrong or anything else is, my english is not perfect (yet).

plsss tell me what you think abby would study!!

taglist: @pinkpanther-44, @elsmissingfingers, @sofi4v13.

[miaisocool]

Lonely star

Pairing: Rockstar!ellie x Reader

warnings: 2 year age gap reader is 19 ellie is 21 cursing, explicit language,Modern AU mentions of alcohol and cigarettes i guess? not much warnings yet :) not proof read btw! underage drinking

a note: i was brainstorming this while playing guitar.. please like and reblog anything is highly appreciated i will give you a big fat smooch ;)

summary: Ellie williams was a rockstar sensation, she was on her rise to fame when she was finally doing a North America tour you immediately bought tickets for their tour....

You and your friend kiara who you knew ever since you were a freshman in highschool were standing outside the venue, eagerly awaiting the moment the doors would open so you could see Ellie Williams perform live. The anticipation was almost too much to bear, as the two of you had been dreaming about this day for what felt like forever.

You and kiara would ramble on about how much you guys enjoyed ellies music and the way her band performed on those live concerts on youtube kiara was your best friend ever since you bumped into her in your freshman year of highschool she was the first to see tears run from your eyes, the first person to ever see tears run from your dirt colored eyes as you went through your first break up with your first ever girlfriend you were so used to dating guys all through out middle school and high school until you started to figure out your sexuality and turned out to only feel sexually and romantically attracted to girls you didn't really enjoy having a label for your attraction as you felt it was useless but you decided it was easier if you do kiara was the first to ever know about it too that night in her dorm when you ran crying into her arms shaking with fear in your veins and muttering the words "i dont know" over and over as you cried.

She knew you well enough to know when something was deeply wrong, even more so on that night. She tried to comfort you, asking about what was wrong, but you were too distraught to even speak your tears that flowed to your cheeks ruining your mascara, staining her white shirt that she had usually wore as pajamas was leaving her to just hold you as you cried quietly.

She had never seen you so upset and vulnerable, and it made her concerned for you and your wellbeing but she knew it was better to wait and then talk. The first to see that vulnerable side of you, the first person you would come to whenever something went wrong and it truly showed how deeply your connection strengthened over the years you were now a 19 year old sophomore in college that had been with kiara every step of the way, kiara was your platonic soulmate and that's why you chose her to attend this concert with you, you were both in awe of how talented ellie was as you guys did research on her as if she was a lab rat, watching her rise to fame you guys bonded over the aura that the band gave as they would usually perform covers of songs or either perform songs they wrote themselves.

In the weeks leading up to the concert, you and Kiara couldn't stop talking about Ellie Williams it was like that everyday for a few months ever since you bought the tickets. You both knew every song on every album and even had nicknames for all the band members.

You spent countless hours listening to her music and learning about her history, from her early days in a small band to her debut as a solo artist. You couldn't wait to see her live, to experience her music in person, to feel the energy of the crowd as you sang along. You eyed out the line from what seemed like people ranging from high school teenagers to people in their 20s with some of their parents you couldn't help but smile at the thought of all the different age groups sharing love for ellies music and her band.

You and kiara you felt the breeze of the california air the people chattering and muttering in excited tones made your impatience die down for a bit as you swung your arms in boredom its only been 2 hours ever since you arrived in line kiara told you not to come so early but you wanted the closest view of ellie possible you didn't know the reasoning but you knew the closer the view the better but kiara mocked you for this as she said you just wanted to see ellie up close and personal although it was a half truth you didn't only admire the lead singer/guitarist for her looks you admired her for her creativity voice and the way her mind ranged so far when writing songs or performing its almost as if you were having parasocial relationship thoughts about her but you knew that wasn't it.

You just deeply admired ellie because you looked up to her she was doing all the things you've ever wanted to as a adult. mostly ranging from what looked like high school teenagers to people in their 20s with some of their parents you couldn't help but smile at the thought of all the different age groups sharing love for ellies music and her band shaking in anticipation as your body sent adrenaline running through your veins and you weren't even in the venue yet.

You felt your heart almost beating out of your chest as you catched your breath to talk to kiara you checked ellies instagram story over and over for any updates that would give you a clue on when the venue would finally open or when the performance would start but it was nothing she hadn't posted anything which you were so you finally untangle that knot in your throat to speak to kiara.

"why the fuck did we get here so early?" you mumbled under your breath to kiara

"we wouldn't be here so early if we went to that diner around the corner before getting here" kiara muttered leaning back against you as she looked off into the distance watching the line not move at all and people wait in anticipation

"it would be way better if we went to a diner or a bar after" you muttered a small groan leaving your lips as you grazed your fingers against your shirt tracing circles over your stomach

"cmonnn.. you're just hangry! plus you wanna see ellie real bad dont you?" kiara said playfully while laughing at your impatience

"shut up.." you deeply exhale as the tension that was once in your face goes away

At long last the doors swung open your heart beat sped up as you heard the sound of the doors slamming against the concrete wall of the venue echoing throughout the stage and outside of the venue, the excited murmurings, whispers, and exclamations rising to the noise level of a storm.

You felt like you were in the eye of the storm, or the wave in the ocean as everyone surged forth in a single mass. As your pace increased, trying to make it to the front of the line, you were met with a few more aggressive nudges and shoves than you expected. Your grip on Kiara's hand tightened, as if instinctually drawing comfort from her presence.

You moved forward through the chaos of the crowd, as you and kiara were both eager to enter the venue to see the legendary infamous Ellie williams but also tired of trying to push forward. You nearly lost your balance more than once in the chaos as you almost slipped running through the crowd, but eventually your feet found a solid stance and your eyes found the entrance of the venue as you finally take a break from all the chaos happening not too long ago you see the concrete floor and hard surface of the wall.

Many people making their way through calmly as security warned them not to run, the use of the spotlights for the concert beaming over their heads pointing out how dilated their pupils were from the rush of adrenaline as you and kiara made way you saw the front railing come into the sight of your eyes as your heart thumped with excitement knowing you finally had a chance to see Ellie Williams the rockstar you dreamt of seeing for months all the delusions of seeing her had finally became true.

The stage was bathed in a dim warm red light complimenting the bands red themed equipment from the red keyboard, drums, bass guitar and the other guitar that was still on a stand which you assumed had to be ellies. A hush fell over the crowd. The bassist, drummer, and keyboardist had completed their setup and were now ready to begin.

The spotlight focused on the stage, highlighting each of the band members in the dim light bringing out all their features the drummer adjusting his ear piece as he waited for ellie the rest of the band checked their instruments, tweaked some buttons, plugged in cables, and tested each microphone to make sure everything was working correctly.

In turn as they nodded to each other and prepared themselves. Slowly the chatter grew still the red lights still dimming around the venue around the crowd and each member of the band except ellie.

Each person in the room waiting with bated breath tension slowly making the walls close in as everyone waited for ellie. You looked at kiara with a confused look as if she knew when the show would start, you almost strain your neck trying to see the stage better and see any clue or signal of ellie as you were only there for her well so was everybody she was the heart throb of the band.

 People began to talk to the people they came with at the concert as if it was the only sense of entertainment, exchanging glances, asking if the show would be starting soon.

Some people sighed in disappointment and began to move away from the stage, their patience running out. Some members of the crowd grumbled to their friends, voicing their displeasure at the delay. The anticipation and the excitement were quickly fading now, with a more negative mood settling in.

The drummer started hitting his closed hi hat in sixteenth notes then the crowd started to erupt in excitement and push against each other to start a mosh pit the bass guitar starts to ring with a what you assumed to be a rock pedal muffling through the speakers amp.

Finally ellie ran to the front of the stage she stood at the edge of the stage, the light shining down on her, and wrapped her guitar strap around her. she takes a moment to bask in the aura of the crowd and her lips curve into a smile with a powerful strum of the guitar, she launched into a song, the sound ringing through the air, people cheering the sounds of the people roaring off of the walls of the venue, the red lights flashing as each instrument starts to sync up

"… The mirror's image, it tells me it's home time"

The last two songs

As the adrenaline that was coursing through out your veins dies down the songs that were playing not too long ago, you finally come to your senses, the venue buzzing with energy the excited chattering and cheering filling the hollow noise noticing the lights from the stage cast a soft glow over the venue fog slowly fading into the air through out the venue that was medium sized at least enough to hold five hundred people, illuminating the faces of the audience, speakers slowly making a faint signal noise as the band stops playing with their instruments The faint scent of sweat, mingling with the warm bodies of the crowd. The energy in the room was palpable, as fans of Ellie Williams cheered and screamed at the sight of her on stage. The hum of the amps and the sound of the bass guitar echoed through the speakers, permeating everything. As ellie began to talk again

"This is our last song of the night..."

she muttered breathlessly as she adjusted the guitar strap around her shoulder fitting it to

"i just wanted to thank everyone for coming and buying tickets or taking the time to listen to our music." She speaks into the mic as she wiped the sweat off of her forehead with a towel before throwing it into the crowd, and the audience erupted into a mosh-pit as they pushed and lunged at each other trying to grab the towel. The sweaty fabric fluttered down as fans jumped up and down, pushing and shoving each other in a bid to grab the towel.

One tall guy in the crowd managed to grab the towel, raising it in the air before spinning around with a victory scream, his hands waving the towel above his head like a trophy as he shoved people to avoid them to get the towel as ellie sees this her concerned look turns into her lips curving into a smile and then chuckling into the microphone as the white spotlight hits her blurring everyone else in the band . She adjusted her grip on her guitar, holding it like an extension of her own body, as she began to strum the chords that would support her powerful voice.

"When the zeros line up on the 24 hour clock"

The chord of the guitar complimented her vocals in the perfect harmony as you watched in awe and jealousy of how talented she was her live vocals lifted you up as if it felt like you were floating which put you in a trance forgetting the crowd of people that surrounded you transporting you to a world of ellies talent and beauty as you take in all of her features you were so mesmerized by her dirt colored hair, eyes greener than the grass in los angeles, slightly upturned nose and her hair sticking to her forehead as she was a bit sweaty from the jumping and adrenaline filled night you were in awe.

"When you know who's callin' even though the number is blocked"

With each note she sang, you could feel her passion and emotion pour out of her as her feedback from her microphone bounced off of the walls of the venue the crowd jumped with ecstasy and yelled cheering her on every chord she strummed or every time she would play a guitar solo which whenever she did it sounded like the guitar was crying showing truly how talented she was you felt her vocals powerfully blast to your ears almost as if you were right there in her shoes, experiencing the same emotions.

Her eyes were bright and sparkling as the spotlight complimented her dilated pupils, her smile full of joy as she sang within the instruments notes as she strummed the chords. Her voice echoed through the stadium, filling the air with a sense of longing and hope, as if she was talking directly to you. It was an unforgettable moment, you and kiara couldn't believe but tonight your eyes were only focused on ellie no one else just her.

After the concert, you and your friend Kiara make your way out of the venue your hair was messy from the jumping and mosh pitting as you still had a high from the adrenaline rush from ellie's performance. You can hear the buzz of energy and excitement from the venue as people made their way to the exit As you and kiara make your way down the street walking to god knows where you take in kiaras features noticing her hair is a mess, her dress sleeve sliding down to the point where you can see her bare shoulder and the faded mascara on her face.

Despite her fucked up appearance, she looks absolutely radiant as always. You can't help but let out a small chuckle under your breath as you see how emotional she is over the experience. "You're a mess," you say, grinning.

kiara breathlessly takes a breath, looking up at you with a twinkle in her eyes. "I know.." she says, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. "But it was so worth it seeing ellie and just hearing her live is like a dream come true." she says as you guys walk down the street

You nod in agreement brushing your messy curly hair out the way fixing your half messed up dress sleeves a bit rearranging yourself, still processing the experience yourself. "I know, right?" you say. "I can't believe how talented she is. And her live vocals… they just.. i don't know she just serenades me.."

"Not gonna lie i kind of saw her peeping you"

"please don't feed into my delusions especially not now.."

kiara nudges you as you both walked down the street the street lights beaming onto you both casting a glow that complimented the aura you and kiara held whenever you both were together

You and your friend kiara who you knew ever since you were a freshman in highschool were standing outside the venue, eagerly awaiting the moment the doors would open so you could see Ellie Williams perform live. The anticipation was almost too much to bear, as the two of you had been dreaming about this day for what felt like forever.

You and kiara would ramble on about how much you guys enjoyed ellies music and the way her band performed on those live concerts on youtube kiara was your best friend ever since you bumped into her in your freshman year of highschool she was the first to see tears run from your eyes, the first person to ever see tears run from your dirt colored eyes as you went through your first break up with your first ever girlfriend you were so used to dating guys all through out middle school and high school until you started to figure out your sexuality and turned out to only feel sexually and romantically attracted to girls you didn't really enjoy having a label for your attraction as you felt it was useless but you decided it was easier if you do kiara was the first to ever know about it too that night in her dorm when you ran crying into her arms shaking with fear in your veins and muttering the words "i dont know" over and over as you cried.

She knew you well enough to know when something was deeply wrong, even more so on that night. She tried to comfort you, asking about what was wrong, but you were too distraught to even speak your tears that flowed to your cheeks ruining your mascara staining her white shirt that she had usually wore as pajamas was leaving her to just hold you as you cried quietly.

She had never seen you so upset and vulnerable, and it made her concerned for you and your wellbeing but she knew it was better to wait and then talk. The first to see that vulnerable side of you, the first person you would come to whenever something went wrong and it truly showed how deeply your connection strengthened over the years you were now a 19 year old sophomore in college that had been with kiara every step of the way kiara was your platonic soulmate and thats why you chose her to attend this concert with you, you were both in awe of how talented ellie was as you guys did research on her as if she was a lab rat, watching her rise to fame you guys bonded over the aura that the band gave as they would usually perform covers of songs or either perform songs they wrote themselves.

In the weeks leading up to the concert, you and Kiara couldn't stop talking about Ellie Williams it was like that everyday for a few months ever since you bought the tickets. You both knew every song on every album and even had nicknames for all the band members.

You spent countless hours listening to her music and learning about her history, from her early days in a small band to her debut as a solo artist. You couldn't wait to see her live, to experience her music in person, to feel the energy of the crowd as you sang along. You eyed out the line from what seemed like people ranging from high school teenagers to people in their 20s with some of their parents you couldn't help but smile at the thought of all the different age groups sharing love for ellies music and her band.

You and kiara you felt the breeze of the california air the people chattering and muttering in excited tones made your impatience die down for a bit as you swung your arms in boredom its only been 2 hours ever since you arrived in line kiara told you not to come so early but you wanted the closest view of ellie possible you didn't know the reasoning but you knew the closer the view the better but kiara mocked you for this as she said you just wanted to see ellie up close and personal although it was a half truth you didn't only admire the lead singer/guitarist for her looks you admired her for her creativity voice and the way her mind ranged so far when writing songs or performing its almost as if you were having parasocial relationship thoughts about her but you knew that wasn't it.

You just deeply admired ellie because you looked up to her she was doing all the things you've ever wanted to as a adult. mostly ranging from what looked like high school teenagers to people in their 20s with some of their parents you couldn't help but smile at the thought of all the different age groups sharing love for ellies music and her band shaking in anticipation as your body sent adrenaline running through your veins and you weren't even in the venue yet.

You felt your heart almost beating out of your chest as you catched your breath to talk to kiara you checked ellies instagram story over and over for any updates that would give you a clue on when the venue would finally open or when the performance would start but it was nothing she hadn't posted anything which you were so you finally untangle that knot in your throat to speak to kiara.

"why the fuck did we get here so early?" you mumbled under your breath to kiara

"we wouldn't be here so early if we went to that diner around the corner before getting here" kiara muttered leaning back against you as she looked off into the distance watching the line not move at all and people wait in anticipation

"it would be way better if we went to a diner or a bar after" you muttered a small groan leaving your lips as you grazed your fingers against your shirt tracing circles over your stomach

"cmonnn.. you're just hangry! plus you wanna see ellie real bad dont you?" kiara said playfully while laughing at your impatience

"shut up.." you deeply exhale as the tension that was once in your face goes away

At long last the doors swung open your heart beat sped up as you heard the sound of the doors slamming against the concrete wall of the venue echoing throughout the stage and outside of the venue, the excited murmurings, whispers, and exclamations rising to the noise level of a storm.

You felt like you were in the eye of the storm, or the wave in the ocean as everyone surged forth in a single mass. As your pace increased, trying to make it to the front of the line, you were met with a few more aggressive nudges and shoves than you expected. Your grip on Kiara's hand tightened, as if instinctually drawing comfort from her presence.

You moved forward through the chaos of the crowd, as you and kiara were both eager to enter the venue to see the legendary infamous Ellie williams but also tired of trying to push forward. You nearly lost your balance more than once in the chaos as you almost slipped running through the crowd, but eventually your feet found a solid stance and your eyes found the entrance of the venue as you finally take a break from all the chaos happening not too long ago you see the concrete floor and hard surface of the wall.

Many people making their way through calmly as security warned them not to run, the use of the spotlights for the concert beaming over their heads pointing out how dilated their pupils were from the rush of adrenaline as you and kiara made way you saw the front railing come into the sight of your eyes as your heart thumped with excitement knowing you finally had a chance to see Ellie Williams the rockstar you dreamt of seeing for months all the delusions of seeing her had finally became true

The stage was bathed in a dim warm red light complimenting the bands red themed equipment from the red keyboard, drums, bass guitar and the other guitar that was still on a stand which you assumed had to be ellies. A hush fell over the crowd. The bassist, drummer, and keyboardist had completed their setup and were now ready to begin.

The spotlight focused on the stage, highlighting each of the band members in the dim light bringing out all their features the drummer adjusting his ear piece as he waited for ellie the rest of the band checked their instruments, tweaked some buttons, plugged in cables, and tested each microphone to make sure everything was working correctly.

In turn as they nodded to each other and prepared themselves. Slowly the chatter grew still the red lights still dimming around the venue around the crowd and each member of the band except ellie.

Each person in the room waiting with bated breath tension slowly making the walls close in as everyone waited for ellie. You looked at kiara with a confused look as if she knew when the show would start, you almost strain your neck trying to see the stage better and see any clue or signal of ellie as you were only there for her well so was everybody she was the heart throb of the band.

 People began to talk to the people they came with at the concert as if it was the only sense of entertainment, exchanging glances, asking if the show would be starting soon.

Some people sighed in disappointment and began to move away from the stage, their patience running out. Some members of the crowd grumbled to their friends, voicing their displeasure at the delay. The anticipation and the excitement were quickly fading now, with a more negative mood settling in.

The drummer started hitting his closed hi hat in sixteenth notes then the crowd started to erupt in excitement and push against each other to start a mosh pit the bass guitar starts to ring with a what you assumed to be a rock pedal muffling through the speakers amp.

Finally ellie ran to the front of the stage she stood at the edge of the stage, the light shining down on her, and wrapped her guitar strap around her. she takes a moment to bask in the aura of the crowd and her lips curve into a smile with a powerful strum of the guitar, she launched into a song, the sound ringing through the air, people cheering the sounds of the people roaring off of the walls of the venue, the red lights flashing as each instrument starts to sync up

"… The mirror's image, it tells me it's home time"

The last two songs

As the adrenaline that was coursing through out your veins dies down the songs that were playing not too long ago, you finally come to your senses, the venue buzzing with energy the excited chattering and cheering filling the hollow noise noticing the lights from the stage cast a soft glow over the venue fog slowly fading into the air through out the venue that was medium sized at least enough to hold five hundred people, illuminating the faces of the audience, speakers slowly making a faint signal noise as the band stops playing with their instruments The faint scent of sweat, mingling with the warm bodies of the crowd. The energy in the room was palpable, as fans of Ellie Williams cheered and screamed at the sight of her on stage. The hum of the amps and the sound of the bass guitar echoed through the speakers, permeating everything. As ellie began to talk again

"This is our last song of the night..."

she muttered breathlessly as she adjusted the guitar strap around her shoulder fitting it to her body

"i just wanted to thank everyone for coming and buying tickets or taking the time to listen to our music."

She speaks into the mic as she wiped the sweat off of her forehead with a towel before throwing it into the crowd, and the audience erupted into a moshpit as they pushed and lunged at each other trying to grab the towel. The sweaty fabric fluttered down as fans jumped up and down, pushing and shoving each other in a bid to grab the towel you couldn't help but feel in awe that you were in ellies presence as she looked more beautiful in real life than the music videos you watched.

One tall guy in the crowd managed to grab the towel, raising it in the air before spinning around with a victory scream, his hands waving the towel above his head like a trophy as he shoved people to avoid them to get the towel as ellie sees this. Her concerned look turns into her lips curving into a smile and then chuckling into the microphone as the white spotlight hits her blurring everyone else in the band . She adjusted her grip on her guitar, holding it like an extension of her own body, as she began to strum the chords that would support her powerful voice.

"When the zeros line up on the 24 hour clock"

The chord of the guitar complimented her vocals in the perfect harmony as you watched in awe and jealousy of how talented she was her live vocals lifted you up as if it felt like you were floating which put you in a trance forgetting the crowd of people that surrounded you transporting you to a world of ellies talent and beauty as you take in all of her features you were so mesmerized by her dirt colored hair, eyes greener than the grass in los angeles, slightly upturned nose and her hair sticking to her forehead as she was a bit sweaty from the jumping and adrenaline filled night you were in awe.

"When you know who's callin' even though the number is blocked"

With each note she sang, you could feel her passion and emotion pour out of her as her feedback from her microphone bounced off of the walls of the venue the crowd jumped with ecstasy and yelled cheering her on every chord she strummed or every time she would play a guitar solo which whenever she did it sounded like the guitar was crying showing truly how talented she was you felt her vocals powerfully blast to your ears almost as if you were right there in her shoes, experiencing the same emotions.

Her eyes were bright and sparkling as the spotlight complimented her dilated pupils, her smile full of joy as she sang within the instruments notes as she strummed the chords. Her voice echoed through the stadium, filling the air with a sense of longing and hope, as if she was talking directly to you.

It was an unforgettable moment, you and kiara couldn't believe but tonight your eyes were only focused on ellie no one else just her.

After the concert, you and your friend Kiara make your way out of the venue your hair was messy from the jumping and mosh pitting as you still had a high from the adrenaline rush from ellie's performance. You can hear the buzz of energy and excitement from the venue as people made their way to the exit.

As you and kiara make your way down the street walking to god knows where you take in kiaras features noticing her hair is a mess, her dress sleeve sliding down to the point where you can see her bare shoulder and the faded mascara on her face.

Despite her fucked up appearance, she looks absolutely radiant as always. You can't help but let out a small chuckle under your breath as you see how emotional she is over the experience. "You're a mess," you say, grinning.

kiara breathlessly takes a breath, looking up at you with a twinkle in her eyes. "I know, right?" she says, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. "But it was so worth it seeing ellie and just hearing her live is like a dream come true." she says as you guys walk down the sidewalk

You nod in agreement brushing your messy curly hair out the way fixing your half messed up dress sleeves a bit rearranging yourself, still processing the experience yourself. "I know, right?" you say. "I can't believe how talented she is. And her live vocals… they just.. i dont know she just serenades me.."

"Not gonna lie i kind of saw her peeping you"

"please dont feed into my delusions especially not now.."

kiara nudges you as you both walked down the street the street lights beaming onto you both casting a glow that complimented the aura you and kiara held whenever you guys were near each other the sounds of laughter and conversation echo in the air, as people rush by on their way to their next destination.

You can hear the hum of cars and the occasional honking as they navigate through the crowded streets, a few police cars blocking certain ways for god knows what, the sounds of shoes clacking against the pavement and people chattering about the experience of the ellie concert or just anything in general, the night air has a distinct smell that is both familiar and exhilarating.

The air is thick with the stench of gasoline and exhaust fumes from the cars, but that is covered by the smells of pizza and hot dogs emanating from the street food vendors that line the sidewalks, a faint odor of stale beer wafting in from nearby bars, a reminder of the fact that this is a city that never sleeps.

"So where do you wanna eat?" kiara looks around, taking in the lights and the sounds of the city the aroma of street vendor food through out the city

"To be honest i wanna drink" you say shrugging looking at all the food vendors with the neon lights including the prices above the food but none of them really catch your eye

"i don't blame you" kiaras eyes sparkle and she laughs at the thought of you being all burnt out from the concert "i know that there's a few bars around here" kiara says grabbing your hand and leading the way

As you and Kiara walk down the street, you both keep an eye out for any potential bars to grab a drink. You pass by a few crowded clubs, but the music seems too loud too many sweaty out of control drunk people and most of them stunk of cigarettes, most of the bars had the bouncers too intimidating to make a good hangout spot. You also notice a couple of cozy restaurants, but they seem more oriented towards couples on a date night rather than a couple of friends wanting to grab a beer or a shot and unwind.

Then, almost as if by fate, your eyes fall on a dimly lit lounge that seems to be begging you to go inside. The neon sign above the door flickers on and off, casting a soft glow on the sidewalk outside bouncing off of your dirt colored eyes almost somewhat ruining your strained vision.

The music drifting out of the lounge is barely audible, but it has a sensual, almost psychedelic quality that draws you in as you felt like the psychedelic vibe usually always drew you in ever since you were young the bar somewhat reeked of weed but in a good way maybe it was the only on the outside and not the inside.

"Well, this place looks interesting." Kiara says with her eyes widened in awe with a smile, peering through the thick glass door. You can't help but agree. It seems like the perfect place to go for a drink or two, away from the crowds and the noise of the city.

Kiara steps ahead of you, a slight grin on her face. She pauses for a moment before reaching out to hold the door open for you, gesturing for you to enter first.

"After you." she says with a slight chuckle. You enter the psychedelic bar the dimly lit lounge opening up before you, you cant help but feel overwhelmed by all the neon lights spread through out the bar. The interior of the bar was a stark contrast of the somewhat trashy street outside the soft but warm blue lighting casting a warm glow over the clean, polished glowy tables that had stickers on them from brands all over the world.

The neon signs also complimenting the warm dim light that had glowed as the neon signs were all over the lounge truly complimenting the feeling of psychedelics the bar was supposed to have the servers and waitresses helping around with the cooks as they scattered around throughout the lounge, The smell of the cocktails, beer, wine and hot food surrounding you as you took a step in you couldn't help but feel a sense of euphoria as the lounge or bar brought you comfort and felt like you were right at home.The DJ over at the booth manned the mixing console, his fingers expertly spinning the records. The music was loud and clear in his headphones, the rhythm moving him to the beat. With one hand adjusting the volume, and the other spinning the records in perfect sync with the music, he bopped his head in time with the music.

As you scan the lounge spot your eyes settle upon a group of people gathered around the bar, laughing and talking loudly among themselves as if there was no one else in the bar you notice a few people giving them side glances due to their carelessness but they weren't paying attention to that it seemed like they were enjoying just being in the moment . In the midst of the chaos, a somewhat tall brunette haired woman stands out, her medium length hair flowing softly down her back as she inhales deeply from a lit cigarette then exhaling out as she sips from her beer bottle, her almond-shaped eyes glinting under the neon lights, her plump lips curve into a slight smile as she chats with friends reminiscing on how she recently had a performance of some sort..

"Holy fuck" kiaras eyes widened in shock as she starts grabbing your forearm and shaking it

"YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR HER AUTOGRAPH COME ON! or a selfie at least.." kiara protested as she recklessly grabbed both of your shoulders shaking them as she gawked into your eyes

"why can't you do it??" i mutter under my breath so ellie or her band members can't hear me as i lean away from kiaras touch

"dude i put you on to her so.." kiara rolled her eyes at you as she crossed her arms you knew she wasn't wrong you've only ever heard of ellies band because kiara sent you one of their music videos and you only fell in love with it because of the way ellie looked and sung the way she strum her guitar in the music videos you had watched you were in love with whatever sensation entered your body when you heard the bands music

As you approach ellie you couldn't help but fiddle with your fingers with nervousness as you walk towards the bar you felt your heart thumping in your chest, your breathing patterns becoming a bit uneven and the smell of ellies cigarettes weren't helping as you attempted to steady your breathing your mind ran with thoughts of what ifs?

what if she doesn't say yeah?

she's not obligated to.

what if she ignores me?

you weren't important to her.

what if...

You take a deep breath and approach the group at the bar. Ellie's bandmates are still laughing loudly with her as they drink beer a few empty bottles on the bar's counter as you inhale the smell of alcohol and cigarettes around them noticing how they were a bit intoxicated, but she seems to have noticed you she didn't seem as intoxicated as her bandmates she seemed pretty sober although she has had two beers which you noticed, of course you noticed. her green eyes sparkling as she gazes at you from across.

"Hey i saw your performance at that venue around the corner i just wanted to say you were really good." You finally feel a weight lifted off of your chest as you spoke to ellie, feeling more confident than you did when you were walking up to her.

Her green eyes gawked at you as her lips curved into a smile. "I appreciate that i mean.. we appreciate that thanks for coming i was pretty nervous before coming on stage" She returned a smile as she looked into your eyes almost feeling a bit of tension in the air but what kind of tension?

"You shouldn't feel nervous at all i mean you're the ellie williams ...lead singer of loathe.. you're truly amazing at what you do."

"That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me" spoken ever so earnestly, as if she was hit by a sudden revelation and was taking what you said to mean much more than you thought it did.

The two of you lock eyes for a few moments, you getting lost in her vibrant green eyes and full plump lips as she takes another sip of her beer.

For a moment your senses of taste and smell immediately disappear and vanish into the cigarette smoke filled air, you feel like the two of you are trapped in your own little bubble, where nothing else exists but the two of you, the walls closing in, the tension of possibly a start of a new connection causing you to choke up feeling like you have barbed wires around your throat as you speak up. You felt ill at ease, looked away, and finally muttered the first thing that came to mind

"Nice?" You asked

"Yes, nice." she finally left her burnt out cigarette in the ashtray

"can you sign my dress?" You looked at her with eyes of awe as if you were a child begging for candy from a parent.

She pulls out a marker from the back pocket of her jeans and starts to gently write her signature on your soft, white clothed dress

As she finishes signing your dress, elie looks up at you with a smile on her face.

You notice the spark in her eyes and the warmth in her voice as she speaks.

"It's not often that someone takes the time to express their admiration, let alone ask for an autograph," she chuckles, holding your gaze for a brief moment before glancing down at the signature. "It's really nice to meet you, and I'm touched that my music has meant something to you that means a lot.." she smiles at you a bit as she mutters this for you only to hear

You smile back at her, feeling a shiver of excitement run down your spine. "of course listen, ellie. I've been a big fan of yours for a while now, and hearing your music live in concert was an incredible experience it brought me to emotions that i've never experienced before." you chuckle a bit

"i don't get that often. Well i always try to put my heart and soul into my performances, even if it's just for a few songs."

"your music is truly a comfort to me i really mean it..."

Ellie chuckles, a soft sound that tickles your ears. "I'm glad to hear that," she looks at her beer bottle but then glances back up at you "That's exactly what I want my music to be just a comfort spot.."

you nod in agreement as you sense a bit of a connection between yourself and ellie as you guys gaze into each others eyes

ellie's expression softens even further, and she reaches out to brush a stray curl behind her ear. "You're a good person, you know that?" she says, the kindness in her voice making your heart flutter. "Not many people take the time to look inward and reflect on their actions and thoughts, let alone strive to improve themselves. It's really admirable.. i feel like thats what truly attracts me to someone you know?"

You feel your face turning red as you smile softly back at her. "Thanks ellie" you cant help but smile at her kind words

There was the most silent silence you've ever encountered in your life as you looked at the empty beer bottles on the bar counter gazing at her green grass colored eyes a few times but then she clears her throat, breaking the spell, and looks away. "Anyway, it was great meeting you," she says, holding out her hand for you to shake. You take it and feel a thrill run through your body as your hands touch feeling a bit of ecstasy as your bodies made contact.

You couldn't help but let your mind wander off to what other feelings you would have when your bodies press against each other with the feeling of you being overstimulated. You hated yourself for having these thoughts come across your mind about a stranger

You start to scan the room for kiara and you finally notice her sitting in a corner of the lounge where it seemed comfortable enough to lay in as she was resting her head on the table she seemed half asleep but you knew she could handle herself as you start to walk away all of a sudden..

"Hey why don't you grab a few drinks with me?" She says with a bit of smirk growing as she looked at you, you noticed her taking in the sight of your flowy dress but you ignored the thought.

ellie's invitation takes you by surprise, but you quickly regain your composure as you nod in agreement. As you take a seat next to ellie you see ellie's confidence growing as she smiles and takes a few sips from her beer.

She orders a round of drinks for the two of you not asking what your choice of drink was but maybe it was because she wanted to treat you to something special?..

For a moment, the two of you sit in comfortable silence, enjoying each other's company. The music from the dj boorh still plays softly in the background, but it feels as though it's just the two of you there.

"So, tell me about yourself," Ellie says, breaking the silence as she leans in towards you. "What do you do when you're not rocking out to my music?" she chuckles with a slight grin

You take a sip of your drink before responding. "Well, I'm a student right now, studying finance. I've always been interested in just being a real estate agent. And when im not being a student i like to play the guitar or just draw my thoughts out"

Ellie smiles at your answer, clearly impressed. "Holy shit really?" she scoffs "i've always been jealous of people who study about businesses" she takes a sip out of her beer before clearing her throat "it's insane how much effort you can put into that.."

The two of you continue to talk and get to know each other, the night slowly fading away as the two of you lose track of time. For a moment, it feels as though the rest of the world has disappeared, and it's just the two of you in your own private bubble.

As the bar starts to close, you realize that it's time to head back to your friend. But before you go, Ellie grabs your hand and whispers something in your ear you couldn't make out what was said but you just obliged. A moment later, she leans in and gives you a soft kiss on the cheek. you felt a sudden rush of ecstasy running through out you.

"thanks for the company" she says with a smile. "maybe we can talk again soon? she whispers into your ear as she slips a paper into your hand

"yeah sure.." you take the paper into your hands not inspecting it at all but just taking it and walking away

As you walk back to kiara you couldn't help but feel your cheeks blush and your face muscles tense up not knowing what the future would hold for you this was only the start of a new chapter..

[always-andromeda]

-ˋˏ 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆, 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒆, 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒆 ˎˊ-

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠・Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭・2,720

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲・There are many difficult memories Joel associates with his birthday. Ones that he's attempted to forget for about twenty years. You attempt to give him a birthday to remember.

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞・(credit to @saradika for the adorable dividers, please check her resources out!!) happy birthday, Joel; you deserve everything and more, babygirl. ♡

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬・post-outbreak universe, angst, comfort and fluff, pet names (darlin'), mentions of alcohol, lots of feelings lmao, those are all I can think of!

Eyes fluttering open, you drowsily felt the space on the bed beside you. The sheets had long since lost the warmth of the man that normally slept with you. You groaned. Of course Joel had to sign himself up for a patrol on his birthday of all days.

But you truly couldn't blame him. Though it had been a little over a year since he and Ellie had returned to settle in Jackson, he was still working his ass off like a new arrival; like he still had something to prove. As if Tommy hadn't vouched for his usefulness to the community dozens of times. As if Joel himself hadn't shown how he'd seemingly perfected the art of survival.

You'd learned why he was like this a year prior; when Joel had only been around for a few months. Back then he was merely a patrol partner who you'd found yourself catching the eye of from time to time. Back then he chuckled softly at your jokes and offered up little bits and pieces of his own history whenever the conversation called for it.

Then came the day that Tommy said it; the thing that made your heart break for his older brother.

"Damn...September 26th..." he'd sighed and whistled before taking a swig from his beer.

You sat on the stool next to him, swirling your own drink and throwing him a sideways glance. "Yeah, what's so special about today's date?"

Tommy looked down, then he explained, "It's Joel's birthday. How old is that bastard now?" a tight light smile formed on his lips as he seemed to reminisce. "Fifty-seven, I think?"

"Goddamn," you muttered. "Why didn't you tell me? I would've gotten something for him."

Tommy shook his head. An immediate sadness appeared across his features as he said, "Nah, he hasn't really made a big deal out of his birthday since...well...since ever, really. But he especially doesn't like talkin' about it these days."

"Why?"

Swallowing hard, Tommy answered, "A little over twenty years ago today was when the outbreak first started. And it was the day that Sarah passed."

Tommy had talked about Sarah a few times. He remembered his niece very fondly and with Maria's encouragement, made it a point to not let her memory be forgotten. After all, it was the memory of Sarah and anyone else lost to the virus that drove the community to continue on; to keep fighting for those who were still there.

But this time, her memory seemed to haunt him. Right now, Sarah wasn't a heartening symbol. She was a reminder of everything he'd lost – everything that Joel had lost – when the world fell apart. A reminder of just how hard both brothers tried to hold onto the scraps and how hard they fought to forge something new for themselves.

"Oh," you breathed out.

"Yeah," Tommy said. "He figured that it didn't seem right to him. To celebrate his life on the day that she lost hers. So..." he trailed off, searching for his words.

You stopped him with a pursed smile and a compassionate hand on his shoulder. "It's alright. I get it."

And you truly did. It made sense that Joel wanted to keep himself busy. Plenty of folks did that; couldn't dwell on the past as long as you kept moving. The simple answer, however, was that Joel didn't trust any of it.

Sure, Jackson was beautiful; truly a marvel of human spirit and ingenuity. But you always caught how unsettled Joel seemed, head kept low, eyes up at all times, checking to see if and when he needed to scoop Ellie up and jump ship. Decades of fighting for survival had turned him into a warrior. It had also turned him into a recluse; a closed-off, touch-starved old dog that bared its teeth when approached but still whined in relief when you scratched behind its ear. Every little bit of love you gave seemed to hurt as much as it helped.

Which is why you were determined to do something on this day. Something that would hopefully numb that pain a little more and get him more used to feeling the tenderness of real intimacy with someone.

It wasn’t easy. Once you had confirmed that Joel had indeed gone out, you got dressed and ran through your mental list of all the different vendors on main street that you needed to visit.

Though Jackson offered a range of luxuries, almost all of them came at a pretty decent price. A few hours in and you’d traded practically half of your things away to gather up the supplies to put together a present and a modest party. When Tommy caught you trading in one of your winter coats for a brand new pair of boots Joel's size and you told him of your plan, he almost looked nervous.

You second guessed yourself for a minute. Tommy had known Joel for much, much longer than you had. Maybe he knew better than you. But something inside assured you that this time around...you definitely knew better.

Quickly quelling the nerves dancing under your skin, you joked, "Don't worry, I'm not doing anything too fancy. I've got these boots, some new strings for that guitar of his, and after this, I'm gonna head down to the cafeteria and pick up some of those special dark roast coffee beans he likes. Just some little practical things. Don't wanna give the birthday boy a heart attack."

Tommy laughed, "He ain't had a birthday in over two decades, girlie; puttin' those alone in front of him might send him into cardiac arrest," he nodded towards the boots on the counter before you.

They were very nice. The kind of thing Joel always hesitated to get himself. During his year in town, you were pretty sure you'd only seen him replace his shoes once. And when he did, they were a well worn pair that had been tucked away deep in the town's clothing storages. Almost every day you got to see the ugly pair of boots stationed by your front door, rubber soles caked in dried mud and already starting to pull away from the rest of the shoe. 

You scoffed, "Then so be it, because he needs these. He needs this."

Perhaps it was a little selfish of you. But you wanted to spoil him. More than anything you wanted him to feel just how much you loved him. Neither you or him had said it, always too afraid to speak those feelings aloud. The world had become too dangerous for such open affection. But you could show it. You could show how much you loved him.

"Okay, if you say so," Tommy replied hopefully. "Good luck on your little mission."

You appreciated his encouragement and smiled to yourself as you stowed the boots away in your wagon with the rest of your birthday stash. Perhaps you could make this birthday one that Joel actually wanted to remember.

The sun went down slowly, showering your kitchen in golden warmth. As much as you normally loved seeing the sunset, this time it made you nervous as it gradually faded into the darkness of night.

With your eye flickering between the clock and the front door, you were getting nervous all over again. You'd anticipated Joel spending the day out, but you hadn't expected him to be gone for this long. How many jobs had he signed himself up for that day?

The longer you lingered on the question, the more you doubted yourself. What if this was too much? What if it offended him? After all, in all the time you'd known him, he'd been a stubborn man, stuck in his ways. And this had been his way for so long. Who were you to interrupt that?

The urge to scrap the whole idea and pretend you'd never made the effort in the first place was strong. It would be embarrassing to explain that you had nothing to show for your day if and when Joel came home and asked about it. But surely it would be less embarrassing than facing rejection from him. 

Before you could do anything impulsive, the door swung open, causing you to jump from your spot on the couch.

"Sorry I'm so late," Joel explained. "One of the horses kicked a fence in at the stable and Tony wanted to get it fixed before tomorrow so I stayed back to help."

Judging by his rumpled curls, tired eyes, and the stench of sweat and wood shavings that clung to him, you could tell he'd physically worn himself out that day. And you cringed internally knowing you were most likely about to wear him down emotionally as well.

"That's okay," you replied, trying to put on a chipper tone. "I'm sure Tony really appreciated your help."

"Damn right he did," Joel smirked before pulling his arm out from behind his back. In his hand was a bottle that you quickly recognized.

"Holy shit, where'd he get this?" you marveled, taking the bottle of wine from him and turning it in your hand as if it was a mirage. It was a Cabernet Sauvignon with a fancy cream colored label and gold text. You couldn't remember the last time you'd seen something this fancy that was actually intact.

"That fucker's got a whole load of alcohol from before the outbreak. Said he'd give me this one if I promised not to tell Maria about his stash," Joel chuckled.

"Yeah, no kidding," you said before pausing and looking back up at him. "Wait, Tony gets the stable guys to help him out all the time. Is he giving them all secret complimentary bottles of alcohol?"

"Actually," Joel began hesitantly, turning away to take off his boots and shed his jacket. "He said this was a special favor. Told me to go home and have a drink with my lady."

Coming from Tony, the sentiment would've made you roll your eyes. But coming out of Joel's mouth with that smooth-like-molasses Texan accent, it had you melting. At the end of the day, there was always something so warming being known as his.

As much as you knew about Joel's past through his own admissions, it was moments like these that let you know he'd changed so much since those days. Now, he was a good man. A good man who the community could depend upon. And more importantly, man who you could trust with everything...maybe even sappy displays of affection.

With reinvigorated confidence, you took his hand in yours and led him into the kitchen. Before he could ask what you were up to, you said, "Well, if Tony is so insistent on us having a good night, let me make it a little better."

Joel still seemed a little confused, his deep brown puppy dog eyes framed by furrowed brows as he watched you open the fridge and reached in to grab something. 

In your hands was a simple cake set neatly in the middle of a glass platter. Under the layer of buttercream frosting were two layers of cake along with strawberry jam between them. The jam had been another trade you felt privileged to acquire. One of the women in town, Bonnie, made jams for every season. The strawberry jam you'd acquired was her last jar from the summer harvest. And you hoped and prayed with everything in you that you hadn't messed up the cake and frosting recipe you'd borrowed from her.

Setting those worries aside, you put on a small smile before setting the dish down on the kitchen counter before him. Joel stared down at it, a volatile expression on his face.

"I couldn't find any of those fancy little number candles, so we'll have to stick with the regular ones I have in my junk drawer. Though it would be funny if I just stuck fifty-eight candles on there," you rambled. "Not that fifty-eight candles would fit on there anyways. Or that you could even blow out fifty eight candles all at once–"

Joel cut through your halfhearted attempt to diffuse the tension and muttered, "How did you know?"

"Tommy told me–"

"Of course he did," Joel cut you off with a hint of exasperation.

"Wait, before you start planning on drilling him a new one, just hear me out. Because he told me about how hard this day is for you. And don't worry, I completely understand it. But...I–" you chose your words cautiously, "–care about you...a lot. And I wanted to celebrate you. I know you think that you don't deserve it. But I believe you do."

"Darlin'...this is..." Joel trailed off with a sigh.

You took a deep breath. It's now or never.

Finally, you said the magic words you'd held inside for far too long, "I love you, Joel."

He blinked hard a few times, processing this new information before it started to click. For the first time ever, you thought, you were seeing Joel Miller get nervous. You'd seen shades of uncertainty wash across his worn face, but never had you seen such boy-ish anxiety like this. With soft, glossy eyes and slightly quivering lip, he looked so different. He looked like a man unburdened by the world and his past; only weighed down by the crippling realization of just how much he was valued. You decided it was the most raw and beautiful side of him you'd seen so far.

You repeated firmly, "I love you so much. And I want to show you that love. Even if you've got nothing else in the world...you can have that. You get to have all of my love."

That made his head hang and his shoulders sag. You couldn't tell if this was a good thing or not. So you walked around the island and approached him gently.

"Are you okay, Joel?"

He lifted his head just enough for you to see that there were a few stray tears falling down his cheek. He wiped them away and sniffled before bringing himself to meet your gaze. With a wobbly smile playing on his lips, he whispered hoarsely, "I'm fine, darlin'. I'm just...I'm glad to have ya."

You wrapped your arms around him. And as he returned the gesture, he let himself bury his head in your neck. His tall, broad frame curled around you. The marble statue he seemed to be normally had crumbled away. Here he was all softness, all warmth, all yours.

With his lips beside your ear, you heard him murmur softly, "I love you too, darlin'."

Your chest swelled with joy so intensely that for a second you were sure that you were the one who would be having a heart attack. But even as tears threatened to spill from your own eyes, you forced yourself to take deep, even breaths to calm yourself down.

As the emotional fog of the moment cleared from your mind, you remembered the rest of your plan. With a start you pulled back from him and said excitedly, "I have some presents for you too!"

"Multiple presents," Joel laughed to himself. "Goddamn, woman, you've really thought of it all, haven't you?"

"Yep," you replied proudly. "I have."

"Well, run along and get 'em. I'll crack open this bottle and get out the glasses. Then I'll take a look at your presents."

"Deal!" you said before pressing a deep kiss on Joel's lips that was sure to make his head spin.

He watched you hurry upstairs with another quiet laugh. Turning to take another look at your handiwork, he thought back to the time before all this. A time when something like your modest cake would've been normal. But these days...to put time and effort into such displays was a rarity, a privilege. To him, however, it was doubly so, considering the fact that it was coming from you.

The warm glow filling his bones was unfamiliar. But this time he wasn't afraid of it. For once, he wanted to embrace it. It wasn't often that a guy like him got the love of a creature so special. And he intended to cherish it for as long as he possibly could.

[spookykoolkat]

the red j.m. | chapter four

CHAPTER FOUR: NO GOOD

series masterlist | main masterlist |

previous chapter | next chapter

pairings: older!joel miller x plus sized!younger!reader

chapter summary: you've been in jackson for a month now and things are still a little rough. you haven't found the right crowd to fit into yet, and thought maybe you might have to settle for the family of four you already know, until you meet your patrol partner, tyler. unfortunately, joel doesn't seem to like the idea of you with any other man but him.

warnings: 18+ age gap (joel is 57, reader is turning 26), inappropriate thoughts, sexual language, teasing, touching, slight jealous!joel, x-rated descriptions, crude language, perv!joel, creepy!joel, mean joel not too mean tho, MDNI!!!

wc: 6.2k

na: HI! thank you for alllll of the love oh my god my little gothic heart is so full i love you guys!!! i hope this series is everything and more to you guys bc i love this so much! hopefully as chapters go by, i get better in my writing and hope everyone enjoys it! i appreciate all of your kind words and interactions with me and making me feel welcome since i am new to writing on tumblr and kind of took a six year break from writing oneshots/fanfictions LOL. anyways please enjoy this chapter things are g3tting a little hot and heavy :P I CANT WAITT i hope that my writing is cathartic for my big girls we do not get enough representation for us in stories and writings!please enjoy! smut coming soon fr fr LMFAOO

i appreciate all reblogs, likes and comments feel free to do any one of those things or ALL! if u think its deserved :P

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

DECEMBER 21ST, 2024

YOU

you’ve been in jackson for a month now. you couldn’t believe it, you truly had every doubt about staying even a week. but, it’s probably the calmest life you’ve lived in a very long time. you enjoyed it and you truly felt you’d made the right decision, it didn’t take much convincing either. but, you still haven’t unpacked the items maria gave you and continues to give you. just in case. 

the neighbors are learning your name, as you are with them, and they actually care. as much as you let them. you felt quite bad because you found yourself still not clicking with anyone around you. and you’ve tried. the people your age find you boring, almost a dark cloud over them, bursting their bubbles. younger kids only approach you because of ellie, asking for advice on stance and grip. the older group, around tommy and joel’s age, finds you a bit much. 

your language, your lack of social awareness–sometimes it gets embarrassing. saying something old heads wouldn’t necessarily like, being too blunt and a little explicit. joel figured you should hang around your age group, yet you didn’t really click in with the rest. he was far from embarrassed being around you, you just said the things he was thinking out loud.

you only found yourself clicking with joel. in many ways, as much as he let you. he was standoffish most of the time, barely cracking a smile at your weird habits and the noises you make when you’re passed out on the couch. he refused to let you break him, this wall that he had up to survive. do not get attached. he thought, maybe the less he knew you the less it’d hurt to have anything happen to you. but it seems even as little as he does know you, he’s still feeling that tug at his heart laying his eyes on you. 

it was too late. whoops.

joel doesn’t want to address that feeling, and he doesn’t want to call it as it is. he actually cares about you. he had no choice but to call it that, because why else would he lie to you about finding cassettes in the house?— so that you didn’t know what he really did to get you whatever he could get his hands on. 

he didn’t want you to know that he actually smuggled in goods that he and his family needed, and while bribing, stealing, trading and selling for necessities, he made it a mission to find at least one cassette tape for you. he didn’t know you actually saw him red handed, and you still didn’t know where those boxes were coming from. he figured if you knew, you’d bring it up. 

he made it his mission for two whole weeks, after your first week of staying with him, and finally got his hands on some actual music for you. joel hadn’t made efforts like this in a long time, and he knew that denying the fact that he at least cared for you would mean he was being delusional. 

but he was always worried about you. you were his object of affection and he craved to find a way to get you out of his mind. he actually felt guilty for thinking about you in ways you’ve probably never been before, he felt guilty for wanting nothing but to make you feel good—however that was. 

you doubted it strongly of course, shaking the feeling off as your own delusion and insanity, but you always hoped. hoped that maybe his generosity and southern hospitality was actually him caring about you in a different way, but he was a grown man. you tried to off yourself in front of him–you were insane to think he’d even look at you as anything but a liability, he hardly looked your way as it was. 

at least you thought so.

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

joel paid attention to every single thing he sees and hears. he doesn’t show it, he doesn’t acknowledge it—all he does is observe. some more than others. 

you didn’t talk to him unless he talked to you, you kept your distance like he wanted, but somehow he knew everything that was going on. he didn’t have to talk to you to know you, and that’s what he was ashamed of. he watched you. 

he was a creep, he felt like someone who was abnormal and making things weirder than they had to be. he was studying you and you didn’t even know. he picked up on what made you smile, which cassettes you listened to the most, which just so happened to be the ones he was ‘holding on to.’ and in the midst of observing you, he checked you out any time he got. 

when you weren’t looking mostly, but even sometimes when you were talking to him about something not so important. he realized that if you did see that his eyes wandered over you, you were probably gaslighting yourself into thinking he wasn’t doing exactly what you thought he was doing. he loved your body. and he loved the way you dressed your body, the way the shirts you wore always clung to your heavy breasts, how even when you dressed in baggy clothes he still wanted to ruin you like that. 

sick. you’re a sick old pervert, ya kno’ that? he knew. what joel didn’t know is why you made him feel this way, why you drove him to do the things that he does for you. why he acted feral every time you bent over, why he would storm out of the room when you got on your hands and knees to pick something you dropped up off the floor. 

but he also studied you because he wanted to make sure you weren’t feeling how you felt the night you woke up in jackson, to make sure you weren’t feeling depressed or like you didn’t want to be here anymore. just talk to her fucker. he couldn’t. he would never admit it, but he’s eavesdropped near ellie’s garage to hear conversations between the two girls. 

“ellie, i mean it, you cannot tell joel.” you hushed as you glanced towards the door, back to ellie. 

she scoffed. “like i’d tell him, lay it on me.” you noticed the irritation in her eyes when you brought up joel, asking yourself if maybe there was something that wasn’t being said. you just put a pin in it. 

“okay. one, i’m finally allowed a gun and i got my patrol route.” you cheered in a hush and joel almost pressed his ear into the door. 

ellie rolled her eyes, grabbing the piece of paper. “no fucking fair. good looks, telling me bad news first. what’s two?” she joked. 

“i met my patrol partner. his name’s uh, tyler? i think. yeah,” you looked down and nodded, assuring yourself. joel made it a note to tell ellie how thin her walls were, not right now though. 

“tyler… tyler m?” joel thought of every man in this town named tyler with the letter M as his last name. instantly made a mental list of five tylers. 

“i don’t know. but he asked me for a drink. tonight, he was gonna meet me here but i told him i’d meet him there. lesson number 5, always have a way to leave anywhere you are if you need to.” you said. you figured it’d be best to teach her as much as you could, telling her things she needed to hear to survive. 

that’s how joel knew immediately what was happening when he heard your soft singing from your cracked door. you were getting ready for him. he actually hated it. he couldn’t remember the last time he felt that heat in his chest, biting the tongue—it wasn’t until his face turned down into the old familiar feeling, what he recognized as jealousy. 

who was he to be jealous? for what? it was a saturday night, most people were off of work, and everyone was settling in the town’s circle to drink and watch movies. everyone but joel. he was now classified as a bitter old man, with a dark whiskey in his glass. maybe now a bitter, creepy old man as he knocks slightly on the cracked door and you invite him in. 

you were fixing the laces on your shoes, simple black converse, and his eyes made his way up from there to your face. a deep v neck shirt that looked like a second skin from how tight it was, and faded black jeans with tiny holes from being lived in that hugged the fat of your thighs. he never noticed the gold dainty necklace that sat in the middle of your chest, but it sits right between the curves of your breasts. were they always that big? he felt like a kid, ogling and asking stupid questions.  

“hellooo? joel?” you called to him as you rested your palms on the width of your thighs. he saw your lips, coated in a sheen and your hair split down the middle instead of being in a pony tail or bun. creepy old man. you’re being creepy joel!!! he shook his head. 

“headin’ to the circle?” he asked. if he were close enough you could smell the whiskey on his breath. 

“yeah i-,” you thought for a minute. joel didn’t trust the next person as much as you did. you saw his protectiveness through ellie, you felt maybe he’d feel the same for you. even if you were a bit delusional. 

“-was gonna catch a movie with ellie, most likely be back around 12.” you said as you glanced at the clock, 9:32. 

“‘s that right?” he said suggestively, like he knew something you didn’t. he did. 

“yeah. that’s right,” you stood firm, even shot him a dirty look. “why don’t you enjoy the night, joel. you got the house to yourself, ain’t that what you’ve been mopin’ around for?” you stood up and grabbed your gun to put in your waistband behind your shirt, sticking a knife in your high top converse and one in your jean pocket. 

maybe you got too defensive, but you were right in a way. he looked miserable around the house, storming in just to grab a beer and lock himself in the library or room. 

“that’s right,” he was just smug. so smug you couldn’t stand it, you wanted to slap him. 

“whatever joel,” you wanted to be right so bad. you wanted to prove to even yourself that you were right. but neither of you were buying into this act you played, and you knew it. he was making you nervous with his stare, the hard shell you had was practically ripped off of you when he grabbed your wrist before you left the room. he held you, shoulder to shoulder and looked at your face, down your neck and to your chest. 

“if you need anythin’, you let me know darlin’.” darlin’? it was so foreign to you, so alien that you didn’t even have time to process it before your mouth moved to say a small alright and taking your arm from his grip. when you did, it was cold and you could feel the print of his hand around your wrist down the stairs. 

it was so different, something that leaked off of his words when he spoke to you. and you wanted to hear more of it, explore that with him. 

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

before you could psych yourself out of going through the bar’s doors, you heard someone call for your name and turned your head to the left to see tyler, walking towards you with a big grin on his face. tyler was just two years older than you, someone you met while you were in combat and patrol classes, and didn’t acknowledge until he approached you, re-introducing himself as your partner for the first two weeks. you couldn’t be cold and shoo him away, you just smiled and introduced yourself, really looking at him. 

he was not joel miller. tyler’s skin wasn’t as tan as joel’s but he wasn’t pale, and he was actually a bit lanky even under the thick coats he layered. you noticed that his chest wasn’t as broad and strong as joel’s, hell his arms were smaller than yours. he was a skinny tall thing, while you were a bit short and thick everywhere. and when he embraced you lightly at the entrance of the bar, you just felt cold. no warmth, no comfort, you felt like you’d break him. 

“hey, i was hoping you’d actually come.” he breathed in as he pulled away, still, it wasn’t feeling right. 

“why wouldn’t i?” 

“cause you’re out of my league,” he said with a seductive smile and you wanted to believe him. wanted to enjoy the night as it comes and maybe have a few drinks, talk. but your mind was on a bitter man who sat in a house all by his lonesome. 

the thing about ‘dates’ now is that small talk doesn’t happen anymore. what’s your mom like? she’s dead actually. really? mine too! it was pointless. if you ended up here, you knew that you were alone. 

it wasn’t long before you and tyler were sitting on two stools, side by side. your knees were in between his as the two of you talked, flirted, gave simple touches. you were having fun. doing what would seem normal at a bar, just enjoying the company of someone who actually liked you. 

“how come you’ve never hung out with anyone else? i never see you with anyone.” he said, his fingers tapping on your knee. 

“mmm, i’m just not for everyone.” you flirted, covering his fingers with yours. you knew this wasn’t going anywhere, but you’d like to live in it just a little longer. the touch of a man, someone who desired you even if it wasn’t how you wanted. something you started to crave from joel. 

“maybe you’re just for me then?” he suggested, and you decided to just play into it. it was kind of hard not to when you were thinking of joel, you needed to act out on it. 

“i doubt that, honey,” you said, tugging at the collar of his shirt. he smelled like tequila and grass, something not that appealing but you ignore it. you wanted something out of him tonight, because for some reason the words joel spoke to you kept ringing in your ears. if you need anything, you let me know darlin’. the words rumbled through your body and straight to your core, because if there’s anything you need he could definitely be of help. 

you didn’t know how long you stayed at this bar, teasing and touching each other until you felt the ache in your core, aching for a touch that you’ve had once before. but you didn’t give a shit about purity or virginity, you wanted the ache gone and you knew tyler was the best bet. 

“tyler,” you whispered in his ear as the bar started to empty. 

“yes, beautiful?” he answered and slid his hand up your thigh. 

“show me how good you are with your fingers, yeah?” 

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

he followed you back to joel’s, hand in hand as you turned the key to the house and softly opened the door to prevent the creaking. granted, you didn’t think this through, like everything else. maybe you should’ve gone to his. you cringed a bit, walking inside. 

it was dark inside, nothing but the sizzle of a freshly put out fire. you put your fingers to your lips to shush him, taking him slowly upstairs and to your room. you couldn’t help but find yourself glancing at joel’s door, which is cracked open. 

you finally made it to your room with the lanky man groping your body and trying to slither you out of your jeans, letting him. 

“only want your fingers, okay? if not you can leave.” you established as you stood in your panties and tight shirt. 

“fuck, yeah that’s okay,” tyler himself was craving a woman’s touch, he didn’t even care if he got off. he just wanted to see you, a woman’s body, to feel you. 

“can i touch you? like anywhere?” he asked as he sat on the edge of your bed, his cock already hardened against his pants. it didn’t sound right coming from him. you wondered what it’d sound like with the texas twang you craved to hear from a certain man. 

it still made your core twinge a bit, remembering the last time you were this vulnerable. you couldn’t lie, even if it wasn’t what you wanted, you fell in to the odd touch of the man desperately trying to touch you. 

“anywhere. keep your dick in your pants, i’ll touch as i go if you want me to.” you moved over to him and crawled into your bed, and he slipped in next to you as he propped himself on his elbow to look at you. 

“you’re so pretty, really.” he said, genuinely and you smiled. your stomach even fluttered a bit. it’s been a long time hearing that, hearing desire. 

“touch me, please.” 

tyler took his time, a little more than you’d liked but he was busy distracted with the way your tits pushed up to your chin, like you were suffocating. touching and teasing, his touch felt good but it still didn’t feel right, it didn’t feel heartstopping. maybe you’re expecting too much. 

but he didn’t talk to you when he dipped his hand in your panties, you just heard his whimpers and panting as he rutted his hard on into the side of your fat thigh, barely focused on you. you weren’t feeling it anymore, your wetness wasn’t even directed towards him really. everything you did with him was what you wanted to do with joel. you weren’t interested anymore and it started to feel wrong, it never felt good because tyler wasn’t worried about you. just his nut, and you didn’t like that. you didn’t like to feel used. 

“okay, wait, wait—i said wait!” you said and grabbed his wrist, pulling it from your panties and moving off of the bed. 

“wait, fuck i’m sorry, i was just so, fuck i’m so sorry.” he said a bit loudly, and you swore you heard a creak in the hallway as you moved to the door. 

“it’s okay, i just, i’m not–i’m tired. i think you should go.” you said, hugging your arm as he adjusted himself in his pants and got up. 

“i’m sorry, i,-” he tried again and you waved him off. 

“it’s done and forgotten, you didn’t do anything you were just really into it. i wasn’t.” you were careful with your words, not as tough as you would be because you’re vulnerable. but he wouldn’t get far if he hurt you, you knew that. 

“i’m sorry, goodnight. can we kind of like, forget this?” he asked rubbing the back of his neck and you softly laughed. 

“forget what?” you smiled and he returned it, giving a small kiss on the cheek before he left. he was a nice man, a good kid, and he meant no harm. he didn’t need a ruthless beating or yelling, just needed to tell him it wasn’t meant to be. you couldn’t shake the feeling of how wrong it was, how wrong it felt being tyler touching you. 

you knew who you wanted to touch you. as sweet and kind and charming tyler was, he wasn’t what you wanted. the man you wanted was across the hall from you, on the other side of the stairs. sleeping, maybe. 

you knew ellie was at a friends house doing only god knows what, so with the hope in mind that joel was asleep in his room, you trotted downstairs braless, and bottomless. you were still in the same tight shirt you left in, but now just in the pink panties that were apart of the gifts maria got you. just new/traded clothing you needed. the shirt hugged you and cut off at the dip of your curve, the fat of your tummy slightly protruding between the shirt and your panties. 

you didn’t look towards the fireplace where the sofas were, instead you grab a small cup and let faucet water pour into it, taking a drink. 

“work up a sweat?” a deep southern voice said behind you, from a distance. you jumped at the sudden break of silence and turned quickly to the sofas. 

“joel? what the fuck,” you breathed and stepped out to walk to the sofas. somehow, you completely disregarded the fact that all you had on was a shirt and panties, standing in joel miller’s living room. 

“what made you think it was a bright idea to invite a bastard in my home like that? not only that,” he said. you finally saw the light from outside shining on his face as he stood up, something glimmering in his hand. a gun. “but letting him touch all over you? that prick?” 

you had a lot to say, a lot to yell out. but the only thing to say was a snarky comment. “you know he called you the same thing.” 

which, he did. but you were too drunk on the flirting and drinks to care or to know why, even though you already knew. joel wasn’t nice to anyone but ellie. tommy and maria even think he’s an asshole, but that’s tommy’s brother and maria’s brother in law. he’s family. but there were things that you didn’t know about joel miller. things he didn’t want you to know either. 

“why do you even care? who’s touching me, i mean.” you scoff, feeling less embarrassed about your state of clothing. but being a lot more aware as he steps closer and closer to your curvy figure, putting his gun in the waistband of his sweatpants. 

he was intimidating like this. towering over you with his fists clenched, searching your face for something. you felt your heartbeat pick up as his eyes raked over you and fell on your lips. he was drunk off of you, the sight of your fat cunt only being clothed by a single piece of fabric drove him to dig his nails in his palms. the nakedness of your thighs, and the midriff showing—it was going to kill him.

“if you’re gonna fuck these town folk, make sure it ain’t in my house.” he spit, and you just rolled your eyes. you felt like you were in trouble for sneaking out, like a teenager. 

“i didn’t fuck anyone. we didn’t do anything. he wanted to, i didn’t.” you defended, feeling small now but still holding yourself tall.

joel just looked at you, not wondering if you were lying or not. he knew you weren’t, he heard it himself the minute he heard something bang against your wall. it was just you shuffling to get up, and he heard you consoling him. you weren’t satisfied. 

“why’d you lie to me? bout’ seein’ him tonight?” he asked, your head tilted up to his as he steps one step closer. your chest is almost touch his, and your breathing was getting heavier. 

“figured you wouldn’t trust him,” you said, sounding like you wanted to say something else but keeping it to yourself. 

he was watching you like you were his prey. like you were something he wanted to take and devour for himself, like you were something for his eyes only. 

“smart girl,” 

“he touch you wrong?” he couldn’t help but ask, the curiosity killing him slowly as time passes with you standing in front of him with your tight pink panties on. he looked down between the two of you and saw the hardened pebbles that were your nipples showing up through your black tight shirt, down to your tummy that was pressed against his. he liked the softness of your belly, he was practically dying to grip it himself. he wanted to grip every part of you, to palm your pussy and feel how warm you were in his grip. he even found himself hating his own mind as thought of what your pussy would look like sucking him in. 

“i, he,” you were stuttering, embarrassing yourself as his hand trailed up your arm, thinking of all the ways he could watch you take his cock for him. 

you watched him watch you. how his eyes went dark again, how there was a slight touch of possessiveness in his voice. you didn’t assume though.

“can’t find the words, hm? he wasn’t makin’ you feel good?” he asked softly, watching as you closed your eyes and breathed through your mouth, opening again to see a small grin playing on his lips, his head tilted to the side. his fingers barely left your wrist, and made their way to your fleshy hip, tapping against the bare skin. he was enjoying this. making you squirm. making you nervous. 

“fuck off, joel,” you meant it to come out a lot stronger than it did, even you thought you sounded needy. “s’ none of your damn business,” you spit, stronger this time.

and before you could even wallow in your retorts, a smile tugged very faintly at his lips. you weren’t so convincing when you were practically trying to pull him to your body with your fists buried in his sweater. he appreciated the effort though, he's never met someone with as much bite in their bark as you.

he just liked to watch you writhe for him. you wanted to whine with how eager you were for him, how mean he was being to you for no reason. you needed him.

“it’s like you’re not even tryin’, what’s the matter? do i make you nervous sweetheart?” he gleamed in his power over you, the way your eyes searched for him and your mouth parted, just for him. he wanted to ruin you in every way. ruin every man for you, show you how to truly be taken care of.

"go fuck yourself," you retorted and he actually laughed. and he laughed at you. a sudden heat rushed to your cheeks, embarrassment filling you.

“i didn’t tell you but,” he paused as he leaned into your ear, grazing his cheek against yours and smiling to himself, “you looked real pretty today, ya know that? you look even prettier like this, all flustered for me.” 

you had to be dreaming. had to have gone to sleep after tyler left, and this was your wet dream making up for it. there was no way you were this exposed to joel and he was practically pressed up against your body as he told you how pretty you looked. you couldn’t speak, your tongue was tied and joel smiled to himself as he realized he got you to shut up.

“would ya let me touch you, sweet girl? maybe you'd be nicer if someone knew how to touch you,” he asked, his fingers playing on your hip. 

you still couldn’t answer. it felt like a trap, like if you let yourself give in to his words, every guard you put up was pointless. you were frozen, and suddenly felt insanely vulnerable but his voice was so inviting, so impossible to not fall into.

“touch me where?” you asked, treading lightly. you wanted to hear it, you wanted him to tell you he wanted you as bad as you wanted him. you wanted to prove to yourself that you hadn't lost your mind yet. but you also wanted to stretch whatever this was as long as possible before you find yourself on your knees for him without even asking.

joel felt like he was out of his body. like he was watching you squirm and move under his presence from above. he was so distracted by how hard your nipples were rubbing against him that he didn’t even notice your fists balled into his shirt, trying to take him in closer. maybe it was the alcohol he drank to ignore the jealousy he felt, or maybe it was the fact that tommy came to tell joel about the boy you were seeing. how the two of you were practically on top of each other before he left, how he was touching you in public–he was angry. 

nothing was done, nothing more than joel grabbing your almost bare hip and you tugging on his shirt, but it still felt like something that was crossing a line. a line you wanted to cross.

until he got the courage to grab the hand that was buried in his sweater, taking it in his own and touching you with your hand. he was answering your question. his hand ghosted on top of yours as his eyes watched your eyes train on the sight between the two of the bodies, enjoying how soft and pink you look. you were hot and bothered, and he could get used to seeing you like this. 

“first place i’d touch you, baby,” he breathes, his lips practically against your cheek now. he was breathing you in, drinking you in, “is right here,” 

his hand guided you to cup your mound, angry that it wasn’t his hand touching you. your breath was shaky while you watched him, your eyes flickering from his moving hand to his eyes, and every time he made sure your eyes latched onto his. he wanted you to know how much he was enjoying teasing you like this, he wanted you to remember the way he looked at you while you panted against him. 

“but like this, lemme show you ‘xactly how i’d touch you sweetheart,” he was lost, drunken only on you, ignoring the world around him. “don’t think that boy would be enough for a woman like you, ain’t that right?"

he took his own hand as you were still pressed against his front, his lips now teasing the skin of the crook of your neck and starting to pull your panties away from your skin to dip his hand inside. your breathing was uneven and your soft whimpers were getting louder the more he trailed down into your underwear, and he was loving them.

the second he felt the scruff of your unshaved mound, he heard you release a shaky, sexy breath, and he grew harder against your bare abdomen. even feeling the heat of your skin on his clothed cock made him want to get on his knees and worship you.

"needy little fuckin' thing, that desperate for me huh? you gonna let me feel this pretty pussy how i want?"

he was so fucking filthy. so filthy for someone who hasn't even seen you naked, so filthy for someone who didn't even talk to you before this. it was agonizing, you were melting into his harsh words and wanted to listen to him make you feel small like this all night.

"joel, i swear," you warned as his breath hit your lips with his eyes on yours.

you had a bush, he thought to himself. he really didn’t think that would turn him on of course,  but now he pictured you standing in front of him, bottomless. how your belly would look with your curves, the way your breasts would rest at their natural position, your thighs fat and wide all for him, and the pretty fat mound waiting for him to feel and taste. worst time to think all of that of course, because it sent a flood of blood and excitement to his groin, giving him another thing to be nervous about. but god did he want to see it, see all of you laid in his bed, and tugging on the thatch of hair on your mound. he was fucked.

and god forbid you figured out that he’s been picturing you bent and folded in every way just so he could reach to the back of your cervix, if you figured out that his anger towards you is pent up sexual frustration because every time you’re in the shower, he’s thinking of the way you looked lathered in soap, waiting for him to join you. he was a sick man to think of you like this, but all of his desires and fantasies were threatening to barge in, to unleash all of his wants and needs to you. 

he was fighting himself to be a respectable man, a man who doesn’t think of women who were young enough to be his own kid in ways that were sinful. he shouldn’t be wanting to fill your throat with his cock when you smart mouth him. he was losing whoever he thought was himself, and letting heart and cock do his thinking. 

you couldn't think right, nothing was processing as you felt the heat of his hand on your cunt. you felt another wave of pleasure hit you and suddenly, you could feel your wetness pooling for him in your panties. you had a hard time wrapping your head around the fact that joel actually wanted you too, even if he wanted to put you in your place for once and shut you up.

you didn't care how he wanted you. you were a bitch, but you were desperate for him.

"mmm, you're real scary, baby, threats ain't gettin' you anywhere. you have t' beg me for my fingers," he teased, rubbing the hair on your mound.

"oh fuck off, i'm not begging you for shit," you're putting up a fight with yourself, and you were winning. at leadt you thought so. even if you were letting him touch you this way, you weren't goping to beg him or give him the pleasure of watching you submit to him.

"yeah? maybe i'll jus' make ya," he grinned, his sinister smile forming while he rested his forehead on yours, his hand inside your panties as the two of you watched him tease your lips.

the second joel’s finger moves from your hairy mound to the fat lips of your cunt to spread and feel just how much you ached for him, to tease your hole so you'd be sent into a fit of desperation, the two of you heard the doorknob jiggle and a loud laugh from the outside, meaning it was ellie. joel pulled his hand and body away quickly and nodded upstairs with a hard look, giving you the hint to go before ellie saw you in your panties. 

your face expressed everything to him, you needed him. and you didn’t want to let go. he watched as you walked up the stairs, your ass practically eating up the fabric of your panties. it left nothing to the imagination and he groaned, something you swore you heard, before he fixed himself in his pants. 

ellie walked in, and you stayed at the top of the stairs out of sight to hear the lecturing. 

“are you outta your damn mind, ellie? it’s three in the mornin’,” his paternal instincts were coming out, and you smiled. 

“i was down the street. relax, i just didn’t want to stay there.” ellie defended as she slipped her shoes off. 

“did somethin’ happen? are you hurt?” he asked quickly, examining ellie to see if he saw blood or cuts anywhere. 

“jeez, no joel lay off. why are you up anyways isn’t it like six hours past your bedtime?” she scoffed, annoyed at the father figure lecturing her right now. what was he gonna tell her? 

“was waitin for your friend to come home, so i can lock up before bed,” he lied. he was lying and you knew it. you came home an hour ago, and he was still up. 

“you’re in love aren’t ya? old man,” ellie teased. her demeanor was a little more playful than she’d been this last month and he shook his head annoyed, but to you it was silent. your lips pinched into a thin line as you heard joel grunt.

“go to be ellie. now.” he ordered and she rolled her eyes, saying her good nights and going to the garage to sleep in her space. 

a part of you wanted joel to come upstairs, into your room and to do everything he wanted to do. you didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do, but with the touching and flirting he was doing, it seemed like he wanted you. maybe he was drunk, you could smell it on his breath! he seemed pretty sober talking to ellie. you cursed yourself as you moved quietly to your room, leaving the door cracked open just in case. 

but nothing. you heard him trudge up the stairs, and walk directly the opposite direction into his own room. you were frustrated at this point. sexually frustrated if you must say, and the ache in your core was not leaving any time soon. 

you felt embarrassed, and you felt like joel was toying with you. all of the sudden this comes up and he's trying to finger fuck you in the living room when you genuinely thought he didn't even acknowledge your mere existence. it was so confusing for you, but the only thing you knew for sure now after a few weeks of deciding is that you craved joel miller.

it was a weird feeling. only because growing up in an apocalyptic world as a teenager and a young adult meant your chances of love and relationships were slim to none, at least for you. but you met joel in times where you had given up already.

as you lied in bed, wondering if joel was asleep or thinking about you too, you felt silly. you were setting yourself up for disaster by having hope that whatever this was with joel was more than that, and not just that. you worried you were getting ahead of yourself, maybe you were taking joel's advances too seriously. what if he just wants an easy fuck? nothing serious, something for pleasure in this dark world where everyone seeks a way to alleviate their pain

you felt like maybe you were geting into your head like you always do. maybe this could be good. maybe this could be your chance to let go, be vulnreable again, let someone make you feel like a teenager again. you had your fair share of crushes when you were in the QZ, you remembered that innocent feeling of liking someone, the shyness that came with it, how nervous you got around them. and with joel, you felt that times one hundred.

the flutters in your stomach, the goosebumps on your skin when he stands too close to you. he made you feel good even without trying.

but nothing good comes from joel miller.

[burntheedges-updates]

over again, chapter 2

This is my updates-only blog! Follow me at @burntheedges

Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: you fell in love with Joel Miller in Austin, Texas, in 2001, but you thought you lost him and your whole family in 2003 when the world turned upside down. now it's 2024, and you find the surprise of your life waiting for you in Jackson, Wyoming. or, five times you and Joel fell deeper in love, on both sides of the apocalypse (and one time you did something about it)18+ minors DNI chapter tags/warnings: fluff, light flirting, touching hands, hugs, cold/illness, light angst, a teensy bit of pining, teacher!reader (no specific details given in fic, it’s just your job from Before) a/n: This is Chapter 2: Breaking the Ice. I’ve done my best with the overall TLOU (show) timeline, but I can’t find a timeline that has the specific dates/months that Joel and Ellie passed through Jackson and returned. For the purposes of this fic they pass through in late November, 2023, and come back in April, 2024 (ish). Enjoy. :) word count: 7.4k

series main post | series playlist | ao3 | chapter 1 || chapter 3

Chapter 2: Breaking the Ice

Jackson, Spring 2024

You’ve been in Jackson almost four months when Joel and Ellie return. You have a couple of friends, but it hasn’t really been long enough to establish yourself in the community. You’re a bit of a loner. You mostly talk to Tommy, Maria, and some of the others who work the same jobs you do. Tommy vouched for you, which seems to have given you a real in with some of the people here, but you have to put in the work.

You’re still floating, still trying to settle, and not at all ready to return to teaching. You know Tommy told Maria about what you did Before but neither of them have bugged you about it. The idea of walking into a classroom fills you with both longing and dread and for now you’re still avoiding it completely. You and Tommy have both been surprised at how much you like working outdoors – you were truly an indoors-only person Before. The first time he caught you standing in a pile of horse manure three months ago he doubled over laughing and almost fell in it himself. You’re still getting used to being around someone who knows you so well.

Maria is slowly warming up to you, but she’s been a little distant since she realized stories about what Joel (and Tommy, not that she seems to mind that part) has been up to in the last 20 years don’t seem to phase you. You aren’t good enough friends yet to tell her the things you’ve done, the things you regret and the things you don’t. It’s not like you’ve been an angel yourself. You’re not surprised to learn that Joel did whatever it took to protect people, to survive and save his last remaining family member. You can imagine who he became when he thought you were dead along with Sarah. It’s the same thing that happened to you, after all. The same transformation.

After that first meeting at the gates (when you barely said anything at all to each other before Tommy swept all three of you away, ignoring Ellie’s obvious curiosity and her elbow to Joel’s side as you stared at each other in the road, unmoving) you don’t get a chance to really talk with Joel for a couple of days. You get it – you know Joel, the Dad. He’s settling Ellie in and your heart clenches because you can remember what he was like with Sarah. You haven’t thought about Sarah this much in years. 

(That’s a lie – you think about her every single day. But not like this, with two people nearby who knew her, too. It’s different somehow and it’s making you feel things you thought you’d forgotten how to feel. It’s probably best for you to get over that feeling, that hurt, that initial reaction at a distance. You don’t want it to touch Ellie. She doesn’t know you.)

So Joel and Ellie move back into their house, which happens to be next door to yours because Tommy Miller will stop meddling when he’s dead. You don’t talk to Ellie that first day, but you and Joel make eye contact as he stands on his front porch and you stand in the road where Tommy just left you. His eyes are soft and dark and so familiar (and longed for) that it hurts. He takes a hesitant step towards you and speaks his first real words to you in 20 years. The sound of his voice still sends shivers down your spine.

“Can we– I can’t today, I’m sorry, I have to– Ellie–“

“I know, Joel,” you interrupt. “She needs to settle in, and she doesn’t know who I am. Take care of that first.” When you say his name you see it hit him and pin him in place. It was the same for you back at the gate. You drift a little closer to their porch steps.

“I’ve had a little bit longer to sit with the idea that– that you’re still alive. I’ve been here a few months. I’m not going anywhere, ok? We can talk later. Maybe in a couple of days?”

As you talk he’s searching your face and you feel yourself doing the same. Looking for the person you knew Before. At your offer, he looks relieved. 

“Yeah, darlin’. In a couple of days.” 

You can’t hide your reaction to the endearment or the feeling that washes over you, once-familiar and almost frightening as it echoes from Before. You think he might have surprised himself with it, too. When’s the last time he called anyone that? Maybe the last time you heard it. For a moment you just stare at each other.

It takes Ellie poking her head out the door to jumpstart you both back into action.

Joel heads inside and you head home, but you can hear her start to grill him about you as they close the door. (Who the hell is that?) It makes you smile.

…

You spend that night staring at the ceiling of your bedroom, completely unable to sleep. Joel is here, alive, probably 50 feet away from you and just knowing that keeps you awake. The following day you move from your house to work and back again in a daze, avoiding the dining hall, trying not to stare at their house or worry that Joel is avoiding you when you don’t see them. By the next morning, two mostly sleepless nights since Joel and Ellie walked through the gates of Jackson, you’re exhausted. You get dressed and find yourself standing in your front hallway, talking yourself down from going to lean on Tommy for some information. It’s only been two days, like 36 hours, get a fucking grip.

It’s convenient, then, that you’re so close to the door when someone unexpectedly knocks on it. As you open it, your heart leaps into your throat. 

Joel Miller is on your porch. He looks flustered and worried. You can tell he’s been running his hands through his hair – it’s messy and going every which way, just like it used to whenever he was anxious about something. The only difference now is the brown is shot through with gray. 

“Joel? Is everything alright?” As soon as the question leaves your mouth you feel a bit of deja vu, but you have no time to analyze the feeling before he steps towards you and you lose track of the thought at his proximity. You step back to let him in.

“I’m sorry, darlin’, I know we need to talk, but Ellie’s come down with something when we got back. I’ve been taking care of her. I didn’t want you to think I’ve been avoiding you.”

He’s twisting his hands together in front of him as he speaks and you notice one is shaking. You almost reach out to rest your hands on top of his to soothe him, but you stop yourself. You’re not ready to touch him like that and you doubt he’s ready to be touched. You clench your hands into fists and hide them behind your back instead. 

“Oh no, is she alright? Do you need anything?” 

You realize as you offer that you don’t know what help you, an outsider, could provide — everything is different than it was Before, when you would have been in the same house helping with the sick child from the start. You haven’t even really been around kids in years. It’s a weird feeling and you’re not sure what to do with it.

Joel shakes his head. “No, we’re fine, Tommy brought some things by yesterday and this morning, she’s already on the upswing.” He crosses his arms and sighs, looking down at the ground between you unhappily. “But I need to go talk to Maria and some others, and Tommy needs to be there with me, and, well. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sitting with her for a bit?” 

He looks up at you from under his eyelashes, a hesitant look on his face. “Or, um, sitting in the house, just in case she needs something. She’s in bed, you could stay on the couch. I know you don’t know each other yet but I wouldn’t ask anyone else here to do this.” 

It doesn’t escape you that he said yet, that he implied you will get to know Ellie. It wakes something in you, something painful and raw and long-dormant, something you haven’t felt in 20 years. You have the sudden urge to run and hide and you twist your fingers behind your back, willing your feet to stay right where they are. It’s different somehow from the wave of emotion you felt a few months ago, sitting on the ground, tangled in your sleeping bag, shocked at the news that this man was still alive. It’s a feeling you’ve been running from since you realized Sarah must be dead. 

But you’ve basically never said no to this man, not about anything important. You aren’t going to start now.

“Of course, Joel. I’ll follow you over.” That feeling of deja vu is back, and you wonder if he isn’t feeling it too, as he tilts his head at you with a contemplative look on his face. He nods and thanks you and turns to go.

You suddenly realize you’ve been reading his expressions and mannerisms this whole time and you don’t seem to have lost your fluency with it. You wonder if he can still read you just as well, and if he can, what he’s seeing. You’re not sure, yourself. You can’t imagine what you’re giving away.

You shut the door behind him and take a moment, forehead resetting against the wood, to just breathe.

…

When you arrive at the house next door, Joel calls for you to come in from somewhere upstairs and you take a moment to look around. They haven’t even been there two days and they already have some belongings visible in the living room. The kitchen is in a bit of disarray, the way it normally gets when a kid is sick. That feeling that almost sent you running hits again, like an echo. You close your eyes against the memories of Sarah and you miss Joel reappearing at the top of the stairs until he calls your name softly. 

He’s stopped halfway down the stairs and beckons for you to follow him back up. You do and he leads you down the hall to what is clearly Ellie’s room – he goes straight in and sits beside her on the bed as you linger in the doorway.

“Ellie, this is—“ 

“I know who she is, Joel, you already told me,” she interrupts, rolling her eyes and then coughing a bit. The look of disdain she gives him is so classic teenager it takes your breath away. It’s so easy to recall Sarah doing the same thing. You can picture the same look on her face. 

You breathe slowly through it and hope your reaction doesn’t show. You smile, weakly. Ellie is stone faced in response, and she glances at Joel, looking to him to take the lead. He’s looking at you. You gather yourself. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Ellie, I’m sorry you’re feeling shitty.” She looks a little amused at your description but she doesn’t laugh. She’s clearly wary of you, which is fair. “I’m just going to be downstairs on the couch, call if you need anything, ok?”

With that you turn and head back downstairs, and you can see the relief in her expression as you do. You’re also relieved. She’s not comfortable around strangers, and for you the role of babysitter is sitting uncomfortably on your shoulders like an old coat that you outgrew and haven’t touched in years. You imagine it’s worse for her when she’s not feeling great. 

You hear their low voices for a few minutes and then Joel reappears on the stairs, brow furrowed.

“Are you sure she’s ok with this? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.” You have to ask.

He looks at you and his brow relaxes, softening a bit. “It’s fine. She’s done nothing but sleep and grill me about you for the last two days, coughing the whole time. She’s just not so great with strangers. I think her curiosity’ll take over, she always wants to know everything. Besides, she’ll probably fall asleep.” You nod as he moves past you towards the door. To your surprise, he reaches out to touch your arm, so softly and briefly you wonder if he even makes contact or if you’re imagining it. You shiver, resisting the urge to hug your arms across your chest. You know it would look like a rejection. “It should only be a couple of hours.”

“We’ll be fine, Joel.” Through the open front door you see Tommy waiting for him outside, and he nods and winks at you before he and Joel make their way towards the center of town. You roll your eyes in response.

…

You spend the first fifteen minutes after they leave sitting on the couch, staring at the ceiling, thoughts racing. Something about this feels so much like Before it’s making you anxious, but you’re exhausted and you’ve spent 20 years burying or shying away from those memories. You can’t immediately recall why. When it gets to be too much you stand and head into the kitchen, looking for something to do with your hands. Thankfully there’s a pile of dishes waiting for you.

You’re almost done with the dishes, successfully avoiding thinking too hard about Before – or now, or anything at all – when you hear something and turn off the water to listen more closely. You hear your name called softly from upstairs and immediately dry your hands to go see what Ellie needs. 

When you arrive in her doorway she’s sitting up and fidgeting. 

“Hey, what do you need?” You put what is hopefully a neutral and helpful look on your face. You haven’t dealt with a teenager in decades but you remember well how they see through pretense. Sarah never turned down a chance to call any of you on your bullshit. 

She eyes you for a moment, glancing back at her lap where she’s gripping the blanket tightly, before saying, “Can I– Can I ask you some questions? About Before.”

Your eyes widen a little, you can’t help it, but you don’t want to shut her down. Before she can take your expression, whatever it is, as a rejection you say yes and move a little further into the room. She tenses.

“Sorry, I’ll stay over here. Can I get a chair?” She regards you silently for a moment, and then points to the corner to your right where you haven’t looked yet. There’s a chair with a jacket slung over the back. You nod and take a seat. 

“Ask away.”

She’s quiet for a moment, looking like she’s thinking. “So you were going to get married, Before. Right?”

You nod. “Right. Joel proposed in 2002, in December. He meant to do it on New Year’s Eve but he couldn’t wait and proposed early.” Ellie snorts, and then coughs a little bit. You keep yourself from moving towards her to hand her the glass of water on her nightstand. She doesn’t know you. And she’s a teenager, not a little kid. She’s older than Sarah. Don’t think about it.

“That sounds… romantic?” Her tone says that the idea of Joel doing something romantic is so outlandish as to be impossible.

You smile, a little bit sadly. “I know I’m different now, so I imagine he is, too. But he was always a huge romantic. We knew each other for a while before we actually got together, but once we were dating, it was like he couldn’t help it.” You’re suddenly glad you’ve had three months to think about him being alive. This conversation would have felt impossible when you first arrived in Jackson. Now it’s possible, just difficult.

“What, did he like, give you flowers?” The look on her face says she considers this unbelievable and slightly offensive, which reminds you so strongly of 13-year old Sarah you have to take a deep breath. You look away to make it seem like you need to think.

“No, well, he did a few times. But it was other things.”

“Like what?”

“He… well, he took me dancing. For our first date, and then pretty often afterwards.”

“Dancing?” She’s incredulous. “No way, I refuse to believe that old man can dance.” 

You can’t help but grin. “Yeah, dancing. That old man has moves.”

She scoffs and asks what else, clearly moving on from the dancing. For now, you assume.

“Well, we were both bad at remembering dates, but he never let an important date pass without doing something special anyway. He used to do little things for me before I even noticed they needed to be done, especially around the house. He never held back from telling me how he felt. He made it clear how important I was to him, and how much he liked having me in his life, by making space for me in it. I don’t know how much you want to hear about it, but … yeah, the man’s a romantic. No question.” You pause, and smile a little wryly. “Tommy can back me up, and his version’ll probably be way funnier. At our expense.” You feel something inside you start to thaw as you let yourself remember Joel this way.

Ellie looks like she's trying to hide a smile, which you count as a win. Then her expression shifts, and something makes you a little wary with how she sets her shoulders, readying herself to ask another question. 

“D'you want to get back together?” The look on her face says she isn’t sure that’s what she wants. Not at all.

You suddenly feel like you’re on a tightrope. You’re out of breath even though you haven’t moved an inch. You know you have to give the right answer here. But you aren’t even sure what it is for yourself, let alone for Ellie. Before you saw Joel at the gates you’d decided you wouldn’t let this second chance pass you by, but what does that actually mean, practically? For the people you are now?

“Ok, that’s a tough question, and no, I’m not blowing you off. I’m just going to be honest, ok?” You look down, lacing your hands together in your lap. 

“Joel and I were so in love, like head over heels for each other, 20 years ago. We both thought the other person died, and our kid did die. I’m… in shock right now. I think he is, too. I found out he was alive a few months ago, he found out I’m alive two days ago. Nothing feels straightforward or clear." You squeeze your hands together and clear your throat.

“I think we knew each other well enough to know what our lives might have been like in between, what we might have done. Or had to do. Maybe we imagined it sometimes. Um.” You pause to take a deep breath and glance up. Ellie is looking down at her hands. You can’t tell how this is going over with her but you keep going anyway.

“To answer your question… I never stopped loving him. He’s the love of my life. But I can’t say for sure what we’ll do until we talk, which we will at some point. It’s– it’s been too long to assume anything. To think everything is the same.” Your hands are shaking. You think you might be rambling, so you pause to get back on track.

“But that’s not the most important thing right now. You need to get better and you both need to settle in, you know? That’s his focus. As it should be. And I know he’ll talk to you about it. Whatever happens. I’m sorry I don’t have a– a clear answer.”

Your heart is beating fast as you finish. You can feel it in your throat.

Ellie is frowning as she meets your eyes again. She looks lost, her voice almost a whisper as she says, “I don’t… he has Tommy. And now you.” This admission clearly costs her, and she crosses her arms and looks away from you.

Suddenly you think you understand the conversation you’ve been having. You’re surprised and a little warmed by the fact that she was willing to say that to you at all. 

“Ellie, I might not know everything about what Joel’s life has been like for the last 20 years – not yet, anyway – but I do know what that man looks like when he’s being a parent.” You think you see her suck in a breath at your words. You swallow and continue, “it looks the same now as it did then. And yeah, you don’t know me, but I knew him, and going by my own experience? That part of him is still in there. I can see it. As far as that man is concerned, you’re his kid. No question about it. And that’s not something we take back. It just is, ok? It’s forever and it’s unconditional. I promise you, it never goes away. Not for us.”

…

After your conversation with Ellie, which you’re hoping went well but you’re honestly not sure, you’re completely wrung out and over your own feelings. You spend about 45 minutes puttering around the kitchen and living room to avoid feeling any more of them before you hear footsteps on the porch.

Joel opens the door, looking around and spotting you quickly. He looks worried, but his expression clears a little when he finds you sitting at the kitchen table. “Hey, everything alright?”

“Yes, everything's fine. She didn’t have another coughing fit, we chatted for a little bit and then she fell back asleep.” His eyebrows raise when you say you talked to Ellie. As he takes the seat across from you his boot nudges yours under the table and then moves away. You try to ignore the effect that tiny touch has on you. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It went well, I think? You’ll probably hear about it either way.” You finish with a little bit of a rueful smile, hoping she’s warming up to you and not the opposite.

Joel smiles a bit in response. “Thank you again, darlin’. I couldn’t put them off anymore and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to be here with her.” He sighs, running his hand through his hair. 

“To be honest with you, I’m still in shock that you’re here for me to ask. I… well. It feels a little bit too good to be true.” He looks uncertain as he says it. You nod. You feel the same way.

“I know. I… it’s kind of surreal? I want…” you hesitate, but he’s watching you like nothing could be more important than how you finish that sentence. You decide to just let it all out. It’s worked for you so far today. 

“I know it’s been 20 years, Joel, but part of me has felt like everything is the same from the moment I saw you, which is confusing as hell, because the other part of me knows it can’t be and it isn’t. You don’t know what I’ve done, I don’t know what you’ve done. We’re not the same people. Even if it feels like it. Even if looking at you and hearing your voice feels—“ You clear your throat and look away. 

“Even if it feels the same. Even if I want… Even if…” you trail off, not sure if you’re ready to finish that sentence, after all. You realize you’re gripping your hands together so tight it hurts, and you slowly relax them and flatten them on the table in front of you. You take a breath before continuing, gaze trained on your hands. 

“It’s like we hit pause 20 years ago and neither of us knew for sure what happened so there was no closure, no clear explanation. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know how to bridge that time with now. How to remember that version of me, the one you knew, and be this me. How to… Joel, so much happened, and I imagined so many versions of you. What our lives would have been like.” You take a deep breath. “I guess that’s what we need to talk about.”

You look over, gaze low to avoid his eyes, and see Joel is clenching his fists a bit, like he’s holding back. You’d like to think it’s from reaching towards you but maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Maybe you shouldn’t assume you’re reading him as well as you think you are. Maybe you need to spend more time reminding yourself of the things you don’t know about this man. 

Before your thoughts can spiral too far, though, he does reach out. You watch as his fists relax and you track the movement of his hand as it lifts from the table and slowly extends towards yours. He’s trembling, you notice, and then you realize you are too. You can’t tear your eyes away as his fingertips lightly touch the back of your left hand where it rests on the table. You feel all of the hair on your arms stand up in response. 

“Darlin’, I…” he pauses, and you both hold your breath as your eyes meet. 

Time slows to a crawl. He puts more gentle pressure into your connection, sliding his hand over the back of yours, touching you with intent for the first time in two decades. His thumb moves lightly back and forth over your wrist, a soothing motion. All of your focus narrows to that point of connection, even as his gaze pins you in place. You can’t look away. 

Holy hell. His hand fully covers yours and squeezes. After the two barely-there touches you’ve shared today it feels almost obscene. His hand on yours in the present calls up memories of his hands on you Before and you're dizzy, spinning through your memories. You didn’t know you could still feel this way. Not even for Joel. 

He opens his mouth to say something and your gaze drops to his lips. You’re desperate to hear it, whatever it is, when suddenly the moment pops like a soap bubble as the more annoying Miller sticks his head in the front door.

“Joel! I brought food. Oh! Hey there, sunshine.” He greets you, and then grins at you. “Am I interrupting something?” He wiggles his eyebrows at you, which is so absurd it kickstarts you back into motion. You need to get out of here. 

“No!” You say a bit too loudly as you leap to your feet, breaking your connection with Joel. You feel its absence immediately. Your hand is tingling. “I should get going, I don’t want to intrude and I want Ellie to be comfortable so she can get better. Joel, I– do you want–“

He interrupts you and catches your eye to hold you in place, but he doesn’t move his hands from the table. “Yes, I do.” You’re glad he does. You aren’t actually sure what you were going to ask, but at least you’re in agreement about it, whatever it is. “We still need to talk. I’ll find you tomorrow?”

You nod, a bit wildly. “I’ll be at the stables all day but I should be home around four.” He smiles at you, starting to stand, and you make a beeline for the door, elbowing Tommy a bit as you pass him. He makes a big show of staggering away, moaning and overselling it, but he deserves it anyway.

As you turn onto the road, you can’t help but glance back at the house you’ve just left. The sight that greets you stops you in your tracks – Joel is leaning against his own open door frame, arms crossed, looking pensive as he watches you walk home. 

Suddenly it hits you, your tired mind finally recalling the reason for all of the deja vu, and your spine stiffens as you inhale quickly in surprise. You almost call out to ask Joel if he remembers. He has to, right? It’s basically what got you together Before and the similarities are almost too much for you to believe. Your eyes move down and back up, looking around the porch, taking him in. All it took to break the tension the first time around and get you to actually start something together was a sick kid.

As you meet his eyes again you’re sure that you’re both remembering it. He can see your moment of realization, and after that moment in the kitchen, you know he can still read you. The expression on his face is complex but you see affection and regret, weighed down by all the memories you share. He tilts his head and smiles at you, a bit ruefully. You smile in response, hugging your arms around yourself. 

All of your nerves and your worries about your upcoming conversation fall away – you still have enough in common with this man that you can have this conversation, without words, 20 feet apart. 20 years apart.

A moment ago you felt like the last few hours had scraped to the bottom of your emotional reserves and left you empty. But the smile you and Joel share sparks something inside you and you’re filled with a sweet, tentative anticipation that you barely know what to do with. It’s been years since you felt anything like it. 

Tomorrow.

…

Austin, Spring 2001

You were setting your coffee down on your desk, mentally starting your to-do list, when you were surprised by a knock at your front door. 

A peek through your curtains revealed your neighbor, Joel Miller, pacing agitatedly on your front porch. 

Ever since you met on the day you moved in almost six months ago Joel had been nothing but welcoming. And from the moment you met his eyes that day you knew you were in trouble. 

In some ways, you were typical, friendly neighbors. You saw the Millers almost every day, if only to wave at each other from your driveways on busy mornings. You’d been over to babysit Sarah for a short afternoon or evening a few times. They even had you over for a welcome-to-town dinner early on and you’d traded dinner at each other’s homes about once a month after that. 

But what was going to get you in trouble was Joel the Handyman. He did end up fixing some of your bookshelves after the movers broke them – stop apologizing, darlin’, I told you I’m happy to help – which led to him fixing more and more things around your house. Every time he came over to fix something he would spot another creaky cabinet door or leaky faucet or crooked light fixture and promise to come back another day to take care of it. You’d swear he came over to fix something every week. At this point you were surprised there was anything left to fix. 

You always sat nearby while he worked and the two of you talked about anything and everything – whatever funny thing your students had done that week, how Sarah was doing (with school and with soccer and with everything else), Joel’s frustrations at work, Tommy’s latest escapades. Sometimes it felt like Joel knew more about you and your day-to-day life than anyone, since your friendships at work were still new and you’d moved far away from everyone who knew you at home when you took this job. You always ended up talking for much longer than it took Joel to finish whatever task he’d had in mind, usually sitting together on your back porch or at your kitchen table until he absolutely had to go. 

(His visits also gave you the opportunity to watch him work – to watch him flex his shoulders and arms and to admire the muscles in his back and thighs, (mostly) unnoticed. You’d feel bad about it if you hadn’t caught him with his gaze locked on your legs in your house shorts more than once. And then there was the time he’d come over to fix the ceiling fan – he’d climbed a ladder in your living room while you stood nearby to hand him his tools. His chest had been only a foot or so away from your face and when he’d raised his arms his t-shirt had lifted far, far above his jeans. You’d lost track of the conversation, eyes locked on the dark trail of hair that disappeared into the band of his exposed briefs. You’d vaguely thanked whatever deity might be out there that he had forgotten to wear a belt that day. As he stood on his toes and shifted his hips his jeans had slipped a little lower, showing you just a hint of an outline of something you had to stop yourself from picturing. You’d gone quiet, distracted and far away until he coughed lightly and your eyes shot back up to his face. 

“Still with me, darlin?” He’d smirked at you, knowingly, but had gotten right back to work after, continuing the conversation like nothing had happened.)

It felt like you were always catching each other trading looks. The flirtation you’d started that day next to the moving truck hadn’t turned into anything more, but it also hadn’t faded into anything less.

Pacing on your porch that morning, Joel looked as handsome as always, but he was clearly distressed. His normally only somewhat unruly curly hair stood on end as if he’d been tugging at it.

“Morning Joel, something I can do for you?” you asked as you swung the door open and invited him in. Despite how frequently he’d been in your home to fix things it was still a surprise to see him before 8:00 AM on a Tuesday. 

“I’m sorry to bother you, darlin’, but I’m in a bit of a bind. Are you working from home today?” Joel asked as he stepped inside. 

“Yes, is everything alright?” It was clear that Joel was trying to be polite but something was making him more anxious than you’d ever seen him. He was alternately twisting his hands together or running his hands through his hair as he shifted his weight. 

“It’s Sarah. She—“

“Oh no, what happened?”

“She’s just sick, so she can’t go to school but Tommy can’t be here today and I have to go to a job site for a couple of hours. I managed to reschedule some meetings but not everything. Could you possibly come work over at mine for a bit, keep an eye on her? She’ll probably sleep the whole time, you know, but I just don’t want her to be alone, she’s not old enough yet–”

“Joel, of course, I’d be happy to,” you cut him off, trying to reassure him with a smile. “Take your time, I’ve just got a day of grading and reading planned. I can be there for her if she needs me.”

The look of sheer relief that broke across Joel’s face surprised you as he leaned forward, grabbing your shoulders and resting his forehead against yours. Your breath caught in your throat. 

“Oh thank you so much, darlin’. I swear I’ll call as soon as I’m on my way back. Do you need help grabbing anything?” 

As he stepped back Joel raised his left hand and trailed his thumb across your cheek lightly, almost so light you couldn’t feel it, then brushed his fingertips down your neck. You felt your focus narrow to the point where he touched your face before he stepped away, putting more space between you. Your whole body shivered. This is not the time for that. You blinked a few times.

“Oh, um, no I’ve got it. I’ll pack up and be there in a minute.” Get it together. 

…

About 10 minutes later you were raising your hand to knock at the Millers’ front door when Joel flung it open in front of you and invited you in. 

“Sarah’s back asleep upstairs,” he said in a low voice, “but I woke her up when I got back to let her know you’re here. Feel free to set up wherever you’d like. You can check on her in about an hour – I wrote down what meds she’s had and when she can have them again over here on the counter. I’ll call you in a couple of hours. But call me if you need anything at all, ok? And if she gets worse. And you know where everything is, I know–“

“Joel. Don’t worry, we got this.” You smiled and reached out to squeeze his upper arm, trying to reassure him. 

“I know you do, I know, it’s just—“ he looked worriedly up the stairs before he sighed, shoulders dropping a little, and quickly rubbing his hands over his face. He started to turn towards the door. 

“I know, Joel. It’s Sarah. But I got this, ok? I’m here for you.”

Joel paused, midway through his turn towards the door, and looked back at you. He tilted his head as he considered you, an unreadable expression on his face. 

“I know, darlin’. You always are.” He said, almost too quietly for you to hear. “I’ll —“

“You’ll call me, I know. Now get out of here, Joel Miller.” You pointed playfully at the door. Joel cracked the first weak smile you’d seen on him all morning, nodded his head, and left. 

…

You’d been working your way through your students’ papers for about 45 minutes when there was some movement upstairs. You quickly set everything down on the couch and moved towards the stairs. “Sarah? Are you awake, sweetheart?” You heard a quiet response but couldn’t quite make it out, so you headed up the stairs to check on her.

You found Sarah sitting on her bed, looking a bit woozy and still mostly asleep. “Hi. I have to pee but I’m kinda dizzy.” Her voice was soft and scratchy and she sounded congested.

“Let me help you. I’ll get you some water after, alright? And you can have more medicine and get back to sleep until lunch.” Sarah nodded sleepily and leaned on you as you moved towards the bathroom together. 

“This is kinda embarrassing,” she said softly, and you laughed. 

“More embarrassing than the Great Tampon Panic of 2000?” You nudged her softly with your elbow and she laughed, and then coughed. 

“Don’t make me laugh! No, nothing can beat the way dad lost it that day.”

You smiled, knowing you were probably both remembering Joel’s panicked sprint to your house over the summer when Sarah got her first period and the ensuing chaos. You had been living next door for about a month and you were all more comfortable around each other after that. 

After a successful, if slow, bathroom trip, you got Sarah another dose of her medicine and tucked her back into bed. “I’ll be right downstairs, ok? I’ll check on you again soon.” You ran your hand lightly over her forehead and hair to soothe her, but also to see if she was warm. She didn’t feel hot under your hand. Sarah nodded and was soon asleep once again. 

…

Joel didn’t manage to call until about two hours later. 

“I’m so sorry, darlin’, I wanted to call an hour ago but I got caught up. How’s my girl?”

“She’s alright. We had a short bathroom break and another round of cold meds and she’s asleep again. I updated your note.”

Joel sighed, sounding more tired than you’d ever heard him. “I'm hoping to leave in the next half hour, so I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“We’ll be here.”

…

Much later, around dusk, you were finishing up a stack of assignments when you heard a key in the front door. You set everything aside and turned to see Joel quietly shutting the door behind him.

“Welcome back.”

“Hey, darlin’, how’s she doing?” he asked, setting his keys on the table by the door and stopping to remove his boots. 

“She’s been asleep since she had some toast around lunch time. I peeked in there about 15 minutes ago but she was still out.”

He sighed, and looked towards the stairs, brow furrowed and clearly worried. “I was hoping she’d sleep it off.”

“She could still be doing that. When I did talk to her earlier she was groggy but still herself – she told me not to make her laugh because it made her cough.” You smiled a little. “And she didn’t have a fever when I checked a little while ago.”

Joel nodded and turned back to look at you. “Even when she feels terrible she’s still a force of nature. I can’t thank you enough, darlin’. I know it was a lot, and it took me longer than I hoped, but–“

“Joel, it was fine.” You cut him off. “It wasn’t a lot, it wasn’t even that long at all, and I did just what I would have done anyway.” You tilted your head towards your stack of graded papers on the couch. Joel turned fully towards you, hands on his hips, and tilted his head while he considered you. The unreadable face was back.

“You look mighty comfortable over there.”

“Oh sorry, let me clean up—“

“No, darlin’, that’s not what I meant. No need to rush out. It’s a good thing. You look good. Over there, I mean. Um.” He smiled at you, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, looking a bit sheepish. You knew what you wanted that to mean but you weren’t sure he meant it that way. Did you look good, or look good here, comfortable on his couch, in his home? You felt your face start to warm as you smiled at each other.

“Can I help with anything before I go?” You ducked your head a little and started shoving your papers into your bag. 

“No, I’ve got it. I’d invite you to stay for dinner as thanks, but I don’t think anyone in this household will be much company today. Next week, ok? Come over for dinner, maybe Sunday? Give her some time to get better first.” He took a couple of steps towards you, watching as you packed up your things. 

“You don’t have to thank me, Joel–“

“Come for dinner,” he interrupted you, catching your eye. “Please.”

You stood and found yourself only a foot or so away from him, which didn’t help you calm your reaction to him. “Ok, ok, you know I’d love to.” You smiled and Joel smiled in response. “I don’t need convincing.”

Looking satisfied, Joel turned and led the way to the door. You grabbed your bag and followed, noticing he was standing a little taller than he had been that morning.

You started to move past him towards the door, but before you could, Joel suddenly reached out and pulled you into a hug. You found yourself with your arms circling his waist as he placed one hand securely at your lower back and used the other to gently cup the back of your head. You pressed your face to his shoulder. So quietly you almost missed it, he whispered, “Thank you again, darlin’. I was still worried, of course, but I felt so much better knowing it was you here with my girl all day.”

You couldn’t help it – you sank into his arms a little, returning the hug tightly. “It’s never a problem, Joel. You know I love that girl.”

You felt more than heard a little hitch in his breath as he paused before slowly stepping out of the embrace. “Yeah, I reckon I do. We’ll see you Sunday, right? Let’s say 6.”

“I’ll be here.” You smiled, touched his forearm briefly, and headed out the door. 

You felt his eyes on you the whole way to your front door, and glanced back as you dug out your keys to find him leaning against his own door frame, watching you. When he saw you turn he smiled a little and raised a hand to wave, finally ducking inside his own house only when you did the same. It felt like something had shifted. Something more was brewing between the two of you.  

Sunday. 

...

a/n: see you next Sunday for chapter 3! I decided not to split this or the next one half, so the next chapter has parts in Jackson and in Austin. Also, fun fact - this Austin section for chapter 2 was the first part of this fic I wrote, back in April.

Tag list:

@morgaussy @jay-zzle @bluetattoos

chapter 3 is posted!

[sundownpromises]

The Beauty in The Last of Us Part II's Ending

I just want to take a minute to ramble about the ending of TLOU2 because it is one of the most beautiful endings to a game ever.

It’s so easy to watch the ending and feel nothing but sadness for Ellie. Her worst fear came true – ending up alone. But something that I love about this ending is the renewed sense of hope that you feel. Or that I felt, at least.

After the final cutscene with Joel, when we see Ellie’s face, she seems at peace. To me, I see the face of someone who has finally learned to forgive. I think this moment is the moment we finally see Ellie silently realize that the only way to truly heal is to accept what has happened and to let it go. She will never forget everything that happened; that much is clear. Trauma is not something that one can forget, and even if she could, the physical scars and her missing fingers will remain a constant reminder of all that she’s lost and has endured. But now we see Ellie finally reach the point in her journey where she is able to outgrow that trauma. Her trauma, which was once a heavy ball of lead tied around her ankle, has now become small enough that she can walk without the weight. 

And then, of course, we see her leave the guitar behind. I’ve always believed that this symbolizes not leaving Joel behind, but instead no longer resenting him, understanding him, and learning to move on. Sure, she can no longer play the guitar in the same way she used to, and that’s heart-breaking. The guitar was such a clear connection between Joel and Ellie, and it has been said that now that she can no longer play that that connection is broken. But what if that’s not such an awful thing? I believe that there is a silver lining; she will always have other things to remember him by because Joel is always to her. She’s got the pin he gave her for her birthday. She’s got drawings of him in her journal (now that she can finally imagine him not in pain but in tranquility), and most importantly, memories. Yes, she has lost a lot, so much, including the one physical object that directly tied her to Joel -- but what is grief, if not love persevering?

 And when we see her walk into the forestry, she walks with determined steps. It is unclear where she is going – but I think at this point, after all Ellie has been through, she sees the futility in unnecessary violence. In a world that is so unforgiving and cruel, what is truly lacking is love and compassion. Ellie is capable of giving and receiving both of those things. She doesn’t have a violent heart; it’s just that the world that she grew up in has shown her nothing but pain and loss. Her circumstances have caused her to react in the only way that she saw fit (further proving that the world Ellie lives in is the true villain of this game, but that is for another post). But we see it with Dina, we see it with Joel, Maria, Tommy, Jesse, and we see it in her survivor’s guilt that she feels toward Tess, Riley, and Sam. We have seen the love and compassion that she has felt for all of these people no matter how short lived the relationship.

This point brings me to a particular line of dialogue from the first game that I absolutely love. It is a line that Joel says to Ellie at the very end:

You keep finding something to fight for.

Is that not what survival is all about? Is that not what enduring is all about? To survive is to find meaning in that survival. When I see Ellie walk off at the end of Part 2, I like to believe that she is going to find meaning elsewhere – whatever that may look like. Personally, I could see her running into another group of survivors who take her in, and she helps them and she cares for them because she knows that that’s how she should be living her life – doing good by other people (or perhaps she truly does go back to Jackson, which I could also envision). She knows that that’s what Joel would want for her. 

The Last of Us Part II is a game full of so much tragedy and despair and yet… there is hope to be found. Some people don’t like the ending because it is so open-ended and ambiguous. But personally that’s why I find it so profound and beautiful. I don’t have all the answers but instead I am left with a feeling; a feeling of hope. A renewed sense of faith. That is enough for me. To be teased with that silver lining and to be left alone with my own thoughts, to come up with my own conclusions, is an extremely impactful way to end a game. Wherever Ellie is, I just hope she’s happy. That’s what she deserves.

I think as people who consume media (movies, TV shows, books, games, etc), we're so used to seeing endings that feel truly resolved. In other words, endings that answer all of our pressing questions. But the fact that TLOU2's ending just leaves you with a feeling is so beautiful to me. Ellie's new journey is just beginning, and we as players are not going on that journey with her (at least not until Part 3). It is bittersweet in a way. We can only hope.

[the-winter-spider]

Ive been working on something… trying to sort of branch out (ive still been working on my other fics as well dw) BUT this is a AU with an OC 🥺🥺 its a bucky fic OF COURSE but i already have 52k words lmaoooo 😅😅 honestly might way till im done to post parts so i dont leave people hanging we’ll see! Ive never written anything like this or this long WOW

——

Homecoming is a deeply emotional and nostalgic story of love, loss, and second chances. Eloise ‘Ellie’ Rogers returns home for the summer after years of being away at college, carrying the weight of her mother's death and a toxic relationship she can't seem to escape. As she reconnects with her past—her family, her close-knit group of friends, and Bucky Barnes, the boy who once held her heart—Ellie begins to unravel the complexities of who she was and who she’s becoming.

Surrounded by familiar faces—her brother Steve, her fiery best friend Natasha—Ellie seeks solace in the place that raised her, while battling the grief of her mother's passing and the unresolved feelings she still harbors for Bucky. Years ago, Bucky and Ellie’s connection was undeniable, but life and unspoken fears drove them apart. Now, as the summer heat ignites old memories, Ellie must confront the truth behind their separation, and Bucky must face the fact that his feelings for her never truly faded.

But things are more complicated than they appear. Ellie is stuck in a possessive relationship with Tommy, a boyfriend who embodies everything toxic in her life. His jealousy, especially over Bucky, tightens his hold on her even as she longs to break free. And all the while, Bucky is haunted by his own past—his struggles with PTSD from the army and the missed opportunities with the only girl he’s ever loved.

With her heart torn between the past and the present, Ellie must decide if she’s willing to take the leap and fight for her future. Can she reclaim the love she’s always wanted with Bucky, or will the ghosts of their past—and her own unresolved trauma—keep them apart?

Homecoming is a story about finding strength in vulnerability, learning to heal after loss, and discovering that sometimes, love deserves a second chance—especially when it’s the love that never really left.

—-

Thoughts??????? 💭

[serraphinm]

❄︎ Chapter 2 - The Duke ❄︎

Notes: This oddly took me way too long. I kept pasting it to Tumblr and it just kept doing it twice every time. Turns out I had copied it twice on accident once and was just too lazy to properly check. Anyway it's here! This is the longest chapter of the the whole story so take your time with it. As always, if you have questions leave a comment and I'll do my best to explain!

WC: 12k

Taglist: @bready101

Something I have learned...in the palace so far is to make your enemies known and to keep your friends hidden. That way, the people you want to protect are out of sight, and your goal is out in the open. Right now, I have both, and I have every intention of keeping it that way.

The First Council. It wasn't actually the very first council; it's just what the egotistical pricks called themselves. And soon, I'd have to face them. Every so often, a meeting was held with all the diplomats and noble factions to discuss anything and everything. As Queen, I was required to be there regardless of the fact I didn't want to be. Thankfully, Ellie would be there too representing Jackson. I found this out through my aide, Nakir. We had met the day after the ball when I walked into my office for the first time. As my aide, he was a world-renowned scholar that even I had heard of. His help was impeccable as we worked through all the issues Duke Haleson had been so kind to leave for me. My small amount of education was carrying me through each day, but thankfully, the paperwork was simple enough. I notice something odd as I go through the Duke's old records of the past 20-something years. He was preparing for something... But what It was, I couldn't discern. I rub my temples in frustration. Thanks to all this stupid work I barely had time to go and visit Ellie yet this week, which was all I truly wanted to do. 

"If you need to be done for today, Your Majesty, I would understand."

Nakir's deep voice pulls me from my thoughts, and I look up to see him looking at me expressionlessly. He wasn't much for emotions and was purely work-focused, which definitely helped matters. Nakir was older than me, but not so much that it made me uncomfortable. He had dark curly hair and a fair complexion that was almost always sheet white. His eyes looked dead, but it wasn't creepy, just a little calming. 

I decided to take him up on his offer and go visit Ellie. It had almost been a week, so I felt awful for not having gone to see her yet. 

"Yes, that would be lovely, Nakir. Thank you," I say, packing up my things. Ivone takes my stuff for me and whisks them away. Walking out the door right behind her, I rush to Ellie's room, only to discover that...I have no idea where it is. Popping my head back into the room, I wave for Rose to come over. She rushes over with a curious look on her face, and I explain that there's a friend in the palace I'd like to visit. 

"So I was wondering.. Do you know where Prince Ellie's room is..?"

A look of slight surprise crosses her face, and she nods, "Yes, it's in the West Wing at the end of the hall. I can take you there if you'd like?" 

"Could you draw me a map?" I ask, not wanting anyone to follow me.

"Of course, I can! One moment." Rose walks back into the office and grabs a piece of paper and a pen. She scribbles something down before handing it to me.

"Here you are, Your Majesty," Her little smile warming my heart.

"You have lovely handwriting. Thank you, I'll be off." She seems surprised at my compliment but has no time to respond as I'm already walking down the hall.

Following Rose's instructions was relatively easy. She had most of it laid out for me, and soon, I was in front of Ellie's room. I knocked and hoped that she was in.

 A woman opens the door, looks me up and down, and then turns her head back into the room.

"Ellie, some lady is here for you." 

This woman had no clue who I was.

Oh, thank goodness.

I hear Ellie's confused voice but can't decipher what she's saying. It gets louder and clearer as she comes closer and opens the door fully. When she opens it, she looks up and sees me. Her eyes widen, and she glances between the woman and me.

"Dina! This is Y/n… the Queen.."

Ellie whisper yells to the woman I now know as Dina. She did say she had a guard named Dina, which I suppose meant Jesse, the butler, was also around here somewhere. Dina is lovely, with dark hair and freckles. Her brown eyes are almost the opposite of the whites of her eyes. Her eyes widen as she realizes what Ellie just said, and they snap to me. 

"Your Majesty- I am so sorry I had no idea-" She fumbles out while bowing to me.

"Please, please, it's quite alright. You've done nothing wrong. Can I come in?"

Ellie shoves the doors open and motions for me to come in.

"Uh yeah- yeah, of course, please come in."

I looked around Ellie's room and smiled. It was so very... her. Comics were spread across the table and desk. On the desk, I noticed a sketchbook open and filled with drawings. A collection of books and comics lay on a bookcase near the desk, with little figurines stacked along the top. Her bed is deep green, and the wood is dark oak, which makes the space feel comforting. 

"It's so cozy in here." Spinning back in Ellie's direction, I see her ears tint slightly pink.

"Thanks.. I would've tidied if I knew you were coming over... Sorry." She mutters out an apology but I just try not to giggle.

"Ellie, please, it's fine. Where should I sit?" I ask, looking around the space once more.

"Oh, um, anywhere is fine. By the way, this is Dina, and that is Jesse." She says casually as she sits on the couch in a relaxed position. I decide to sit near her and chill a little. 

"Nice to meet you both. Ellie told me you guys were good friends." 

"Ellie has told us a lot about you, Y/n; she seemed quite happy to make a friend," Dina says, almost in a teasing tone to egg on Ellie. I immediately catch onto their dynamic.

"Right, 'cause we're just chopped liver," Jesse comments as he sits down across from us.

"Wha- I never said you guys were chopped liver!" Ellie protests.

"No.. but that's how you make us feel," Jesse says dramatically. Ellie grabs a couch pillow and throws it in his face. The pillow smacks against his face before it flops to the ground. Dina and I burst out laughing.

"Take that assface," Ellie says, grinning.

Jesse picks up the pillow and throws it back. Ellie catches it and sticks her tongue out at him and soon they're having a full-on pillow fight. Dina and I cheer when she sits down beside me and looks up at me.

"I'm happy Ellie has you as a friend, and sorry again for not knowing who you are."

"Oh gosh, please, Dina, no need to apologize. I get it. I'm a brand-new Queen who popped out of nowhere. I promise I'm not offended."

She sighs a breath of relief.

"Oh, thank goodness, I wasn't sure what the hell I was gonna do if you were some stuck-up noble."

"Please, you think Ellie, of all people, would be friends with someone like that? I just can't see it," I say, looking at Ellie. She was currently shoving a pillow in Jesse's face while he swatted at her.

"You're so right, she'd rather die than be with some kiss-ass bitch."

"Hear, hear," I say, fake raising a toast. Dina chuckles and stands.

"Guess I better break them up."

"Need some help?"

"Hmmm, yea, sure, why not," Dina says, walking over to Jesse. I walk over to Ellie, grab her by the waist, and pull her off Jesse. She stumbles back a bit, and her shoulder bumps mine.

"Dina, let go. I'm gonna get his ass; I swear to-"

I follow her gaze to Dina, pulling Jesse off the ground. Slowly, she turns her gaze on me, and I can see it practically click in her head that I was the one who pulled her. She stands up straight and rubs the side of her neck.

"Shit, Y/n, sorry, didn't mean to yell-"

"What is with you guys and apologizing?"

I ask, taking my hands off Ellie's waist.

"It's fine, you can relax around me. I don't bite.. Unless asked."

I say the second part quietly so only Ellie can hear when I realize what I've said a little too late and step away from Ellie.

"Anyway!! Does anyone wanna play games or something?"

I avoid eye contact with Ellie and walk over to the couch. I felt so stupid. Why the hell would I say something like that? Dina plops down on the couch next to me and says, "We could play truth or dare."

"Really, Dina? We're adults." Jesse says, and I can practically feel his eye roll.

"Aww, come on, Jesse, I love truth or dare. We should totally play." I say, defending Dina.

"Yeah, see Jesse, she gets it. Sit your asses down were playing."

Jesse groans as he sits next to Dina. Ellie sits on the other couch, so I sit beside her to make it even.

"Alright, I'll go first, then!" Dina says, looking at us with a glint in her eye.

"Ellie! Truth or dare."

Ellie groans and says, "Dare, I'm not a pussy."

"Alright.. Tell us your best royalty pun."

Ellie grins and clears her throat. I wasn't aware she liked puns, but the more you know.

"That's basically a truth! Ugh, fine, I wouldn't say this is my best one, but it's still pretty good. Why did the King go to therapy?"

We all give various answers before Ellie grins and says, "He had many subjects to discuss."

"Oh god, that's so bad!" Dina says, groaning.

I groan and shove my head into a pillow, and Jesse throws a pillow at Ellie for the second time.

"Where do you find these?" Jesse mutters.

"This little booklet Joel got me for my fourteenth birthday. Has a bunch of them in there. Some about a queen, too."

I feel a little heat rush to my face and look at her finally.

"Like what?" I ask, a little curious.

"When it's your turn, you can ask, " she sasses back. I glare at her, and she takes her turn.

"Jesse, truth or dare." 

Jesse looks at her for a moment as if trying to analyze what she's going to ask before he goes with truth.

"What is your favorite thing about Dina?" Ellie wiggles her eyebrows, and I see Jesee get a little flustered.

"Fuck you, man. Her eyes. Y/n truth or dare?"

I kinda guessed Dina and Jesse were a thing, but for it to sorta be confirmed made me a bit giddy.

"Ummmm Dare?"

"Are you telling us or guessing?" Ellie jokes.

"I don't know! Dare! Just go with dare!"

Jesse grins, "I can't believe the Queen of Midiri is letting some random butler tell her what to do. This will be interesting."

"Don't make me regret it, please." I practically plead.

"Fine, I won't... ummm, give Ellie a hug. Everyone knows she needs it, " he says, sticking his tongue out at Ellie. She glares at him back but smiles. I shrug and stand in front of Ellie before wrapping my arms around her neck and hugging her. She pulls me down a little, and my knee goes in between her legs as I lose my balance.

"Sorry.. Lost my balance.." She mutters. I knew it was a big fat lie, but I decided to let her get away with it. I grin, wrap my arms tighter around her, and put my face on her shoulder. She still smelt like bergamot and pine, but now with a little bit of weed and grass. I pull away and notice her ears tinged pink. Smiling, I sit back down next to her and decide to ask Dina instead. The game goes on like this for a while. Jokes are made, and laughs are shared. Before I realize what time it is, Ellie and I are alone, conversing on the balcony with the setting sun.

"The First Council meeting is in a few days. I will do my best to ensure Jackson is secure." I say this seriously. As fun as this evening was, I needed to secure Ellie as an ally.

"I'm not too worried about Jackson... I'm more worried about that Duke of yours; he seems like a real problem."

"Thanks for the concern, Ellie, I have the Royal Seal now, though, so it shouldn't be too difficult to win the council over." 

"I know.. Just.. be careful.. I've met many like him; they won't go down without a fight."

"If everything goes to shit... You'll still be on my side... Right?"

Her eyes soften as I speak, and she grabs something out of my hair before turning to the sea view.

"I'll be on your side, yes, but I can't guarantee Jackson will. Joel has to see you're capable before he puts faith in you..." She explains slowly as if trying to lessen the blow.

I fully understood, but it didn't make it any less hard to hear. King Joel was known to place his faith in very few. His council was small, consisting of a woman named Tess, his brother Tommy, and Tommy's wife, Maria, though that seemed to be Tommy's idea. Nonetheless, it seemed their kingdom was running smoothly, so it wasn't exactly horrible to have such a small council.

"I get it, Ellie, thank you... I should probably get back to my room. It's late."

She nods and faces me fully. "If you need anything, send me a letter or something, ok?"

"I will.. I can't believe court still doesn't use fucking email. I'm sick of my hand cramping just to write letters to each one of them. Definitely bringing that up in a few days."

I grumble. She chuckles and shakes her head.

"Don't feel too bad; Joel still refuses to use the damn things too. Say's they're 'a bunch of rubbish.'" Her finger quotes making another appearance. 

I chuckle and say, "Alright, well, goodnight Ellie…"

"Night Y/n."

The next few days are brutal as I'm prepped and prodded for the First Council meeting. I was so stressed that I was half sure my pacing created a dent in the floor of my office. Nakir took over most of my work while I was being taught the ways of the council meeting, so I sent him a basket of flowers. 

Turns out he's allergic… 

He was out for the last few days, so I had to find another aide in such a short amount of time. So I called in my two best friends. They were still technically students, but all I needed them to do was organize everything for me so that when I returned, I could get things done quickly. They were more than happy to take on the work, as I promised to give them credit for it at school. I felt terrible asking them for help, but I didn't trust anyone else to take over at the moment, as most people were still on the Duke's side. 

On the First Council meeting day, I put on a pantsuit, and Rose tied my hair up into a bun. A simple tiara was placed on my head, and a sash was placed on my shoulder to my hip. It was some honorary thing. 

I enter the meeting with the Prime Minister as he does most of the work and take my seat at the head of the table. My eyes spot Ellie immediately, and I watch her doodle on the documents. I bite my lips, trying not to laugh and clearing my throat. Everyone looks at me, and I notice the Duke seems to be... smiling. I felt a sense of unease, so I stopped looking at him and began making my announcement.

"From now on, we will use laptops and emails instead of letters."

The old fucks all start complaining, but I won't hear it. I bang the gavel that I've been given to keep order. 

"I won't hear any complaints. This council is far too outdated, and we need to move forward. It has been twenty years since there has been any real change. Now, first on the agenda is the budget for homeless shelters."

People begin talking over each other almost instantaneously. I called for order, and the Prime Minister suggested something. Half the room agrees, and the other half disagrees. It goes on like this for hours. The only solace I get is glancing at Ellie and noticing she was already looking at me. We give each other a look of 'yea, this shit is stupid' before she goes back to her doodles. Eventually, I get the council to agree on something before we move on to the next topic. Just when I think we're almost done, the Duke stands and makes a proposition.

"Your Majesty, as we all know, you are... How should I say this.. Unwed. I have spoken with some of the council members, and we have determined that we would find it best for you to marry as soon as possible."

He gives me a smug look.

"I don't think I'm going to focus on marriage until I've fixed your mess, Duke Haleson," I say calmly. Some members of the council snicker, while some glare at me. 

"While that may be Your Majesty... If the court overrules it... You will have to marry.."

My smile disappears after that. It was true that royals could be overruled, but I wasn't too concerned about it since most council members were in the middle. However, if they shifted to his side...

"I don't see a need for a royal spouse when I'm doing just fine on my own."

"That may be Your Majesty... But we also need an heir."

Murmurs fill the room, and I hold back a glare.

"I'm newly 20 years of age, Duke Haleson; I have plenty of time before an Heir is needed; now then, if you're finished-"

"Some of the council members view it differently. Let's take it to a vote. Should the Queen marry now or later?" he asks the room. Slowly, hands lift, and the Prime minister takes count.

"More than half your Majesty, " he whispers to me, a little saddened. I feel my heart sink as I look at each of their faces. Yet again, people were making choices about someone else's life. 

"If you refuse, Your Majesty, we can always find a more suitable person to take your place."

He grins at me as if he's won. I have to play along for now, but I didn't have to play nice.

"I hope you don't mean yourself, Duke Haleson," I say, my voice sounding sweet as malice dripped from its edges.

"There will be no need to find someone else. I accept. I will marry." I said, gritting my teeth. I'd find a way out of it before the wedding. And if I couldn't… well, murder was common enough…

"Wonderful! I'll tell my son immediately." My heart drops yet again. The Duke had this all planned out. I was backed into a corner and regretted not heeding Ellie's warning. 

"Your son? Am I not allowed to choose who I marry now, too, Duke Haleson?"

"Hmm.. shall we put it to vote again... Your Majesty?" His voice was taunting, and everyone knew. I glance at Ellie and see she's glaring daggers at him.

"Fine… I will marry your son, Duke Haleson.."

Crying angrily in gardens at night didn't seem like the sanest or safest option, but it was just what I needed. I kicked a rock, and it went flying off somewhere. Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I sit on a marble bench.

What was the point of having power if I couldn't do anything with it..?

I sniffle and put my face in my hands when I hear footsteps. Immediately tensing, I look up and see Ellie. She is walking in my direction, so I stand and debate, running back to my room. I didn't exactly want her to see my puffy eyes. Before I can decide, she's standing in front of me. Her hair is half up, and she's got a white button-down on it with the top few buttons open. The sleeves are rolled up, and I can see her tattoo fully. A moth and ferns, it was so.. Ellie. 

"Figured I'd find you here…" Her voice was hesitant. Almost pitiful.

I wipe my face again, hoping to get it all before meeting her eyes.

"Hey.. What's uuuup.." I say, shooting finger guns at her, trying not to cry again. She doesn't laugh; instead, she pulls on one of my wrists and brings me into a hug. My face lands on Ellie's shoulder, and I feel myself break a little. I shove myself between her neck and shoulder and let myself cry a little more.

"I don't wanna marry some bastard's son!" I yell into her neck a little angrily as I wrap my arms around her. She wraps an arm around my lower waist while the other rests on my upper back.

"I know Y/n…" 

I hated the Duke even more than I hated myself. I was not going to let this old fucker ruin my life. 

"Ellie.. I need a favor."

I say, stepping back from her a little so I could look into her eyes. She didn't let me go and murmured, "Anything, my queen." I figured she was just trying to cheer me up with jokes.

"I need you to discreetly see if you can get anything on the Duke. Any kind of blackmail, anything."

"Sure, but he's good at covering his tracks... I'm not sure I'll be able to find much.."

"It just needs to be something.. I won't go down without a fight."

"Good cause I'd be disappointed in you if you did."

"Well, now we can't have that... Now, can we?" I ask with a grin. I still feel slightly upset, so I leave Ellie's arms and sit on the marble bench. Taking a deep breath, I feel Elie sitting next to me.

"Wanna know a secret?" She whispers with a grin on her face.

"What..? You like girls or something?"

"Yea, well, that's not a secret," She huffs

"Hold up, that was a joke-"

"Shhh, whatever! Do you wanna know the secret or not?" She covers my mouth.

I pull her hand off my face and say, "Yea, of course! Duh!"

"Alright! Joel doesn't let me tell anyone this because he always says I should never tell people all my cards, but I trust you... My affinity is earth." She whispers. It made total sense for Ellie's affinity for all things to be earth. I mean, she smelt like it half the time.

"No way.. That's a pretty good affinity, Ellie… what can you do?"

She takes one of my hands and holds it flat.

"Just watch." As she says this, grass grows around us, fireflies emerge from them and begin dancing in the nighttime sky. A flower grows from the ground and lands itself perfectly in my hand. I recognize it as a peony and watch as she grabs a switchblade from her pocket and cuts the stem. She fixes it up a bit before she tucks it behind my ear. Crickets singing and fireflies dancing. My heart skips a beat, and I wish then for just a moment that Ellie was the one I was marrying instead…

I'm snapped out of the moment when I hear more footsteps. Ellie and I turn to see Jane, who looks rather flustered.

"Jane… is everything alright?"

She curtsies and says, "Yes, Your Majesty… It's just... Dinner is ready, and you weren't in your room."

I sigh and stand, "Right... Thank you, Jane.. I'll head back now.."

She curtsies and heads back to the room. I mutter a string of curses and face Ellie with a sorrowful expression. "Thank you for.. this .. Ellie… I promise to write to you.." She stands and smiles at me. 

"I um.. Hope it cheered you up." She says sheepishly. She could be so shy and yet so confident.

"It did.. I promise to spoil you with my affinity one day... If I ever find out what it is.."

She smiles softly and fiddles with her fingers. "I'll.. I'll hold you to that… sleep well.."

"Sleep well, Ellie.."

The next few days, I'm swamped with work. Nakir informs me, however, that I will have to not only marry some prick but also organize an engagement ball. 

"Why..?" I ask, not convinced that this is a thing.

"It is a chance for the nobles to recognize your upcoming marriage with gifts and well wishes. It's commonly done as soon as an engagement is announced.

"Alright, I get the point… "

So, preparations for that will begin as well. Despite all the bad news, some good news comes to light. Ellie is staying for a few more months as the announcement of my engagement reached King Joel. He told Ellie to stay as a show of goodwill but we both weren't complaining. Currently, I am in a plush chair reading Ellie's most recent letter.

 Y/n

You need to get a fucking phone. I'm sick of writing all this out. Anyway, Dina is wondering when you'll come by again, and I'm running out of excuses. The last one I used was that your horse threw up on you, and I don't think she bought it. To be honest, I'm also wondering when you'll come by again. Jesse says he doesn't give a shit, but I think he secretly likes you too. I got my copies of savage starlight from Joel himself, so I'll give them to you when you come over next time. Just don't eat or drink while you read them... And try not to rip or tear any pages. Maybe it's just best if you read them in my room… Joel also sent my pun book so that's been fun to annoy those two with. Speaking of which, here's a pun for you:

What did the Queen do after burping..?

Issue a royal pardon!

Man, Dina hated that one, but I got a chuckle out of her. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I wrote a poem. I'll share it, but you have to promise not to laugh. I'll leave it on the back. Please don't laugh.

Your favorite Prince E

I chuckle at her ridiculous excuse before surprise etches my face. A poem… I flip to the back, and there it is, written in her messy handwriting.

A candlelight flickers your name

I call it out in question

I fear the answer

I hold my breath

Count

1

2

3

4

A whisper

A promise

Truth or Dare

Truth or Lie

I chose Lie

Why?

Understanding the poem wasn't the hard part; the hard part was understanding why she wrote it. I fold the letter back up and slip into the box of letters I had been keeping. I had accumulated quite a large stack of letters from her and didn't want to lose them. The funny part was I actually got a phone; I just hadn't told her. There was something so fun about writing letters. I put the lid back on the box, slip it into my desk, and lock it up. Sitting down at my desk, I think of what I want to write to Ellie. Words flow easier than my ink, and I seal them in an envelope before sending it off with Rose. Ivone had just finished helping me organize the last details of the engagement ball when Ellie's letter arrived. 

"Sorry for ditching you like that, Ivone. Now, let's finish this disaster and get it sent out."

"No worries, Your Majesty." She says sweetly. We finish up quickly, and before I know it, I'm lying in bed staring at my canopy. How was I going to get out of this... There had to be something I could do. I couldn't just rely on Ellie. Every plan I begin to formulate has some sort of problem or variable I can't control. Sitting up, I decided to do a little investigation on my own. This was my fucking palace, and I was not about to be ordered around in it. Pulling my robe on, I grab my phone and turn on the flashlight. I decide to go barefoot to stay quiet and sneak towards the Duke's room. 

The hallways are dark but candles line the halls to provide some light. Walking through said halls, I can't help but admire the massive alcoves and details. The ceilings are covered in paintings, and I wonder how long it took to paint them. I spot a few guards but manage to sneak past them. Man, I need to upgrade my security. As I walk into the hall that is connected to the Duke's room, I notice a door slamming open. Swearing under my breath, I hide in an alcove and strain my ears to listen.

"Tell him he can kiss my ass."  I hear the Duke say bitterly. 

"We both know that isn't a good idea, Barrow."

I recognize that voice but can't put a name to it. Hesitantly, I attempt to peek over the corner but decide not to risk it.

"She is a fool; she can not help us. When will you see that!"

"Hush! We are in Her Majesty's halls; I would not throw words like that around so carelessly."Based on how he speaks, he seems to be older, at least older than the Duke.

"Look... she may be young, but she is no fool. She tricked you, didn't she? You may have her in a box now, but she will find a way out. A cornered animal is dangerous. Have you learned nothing? " the older gentleman says, clearly frustrated.

Great, so I was an animal now. How wonderful.

Opening my phone, I try to record them, but it slips from my grasp and clatters to the floor. Swearing, I grab it and make a run for it, my robe fluttering from my running.

"Hey!! Get back here!!" I hear the duke yell. His voice echoed throughout the palace walls. I turn down a hallway and spot a place to hide. An idea crosses my mind, and I stuff the robe and phone in the small space before grabbing a candelabra. I begin walking down the hall towards the direction of the Duke. He comes round the corner fuming and is taken aback when he sees me. Bowing to me, he meets my eyes.

"Your Majesty.. How.. delightful to see you… "

"For you, maybe.. What are you doing running and yelling in my halls this late at night?" 

The Duke shifts his posture and stands tall.

"My apologies, Your Majesty… A servant was just being rather difficult and-"

"A staff member." My voice cuts him off.

"Pardon…?"

"A. Staff. Member. They are not your servants. If you continue treating them as such, I will assign none to your room and make you do all your work by yourself. Is that what you want?"

"No... No, Your Majesty.." His jaw clenches, and I look at him with cold, unwavering eyes. 

"Good. Continue."

"Ehem.. right.. The staff member. They were listening in on a conversation that was not theirs to hear."

"Hmmm... is that so? Who else were you conversing with...? " I asked with a small smile on my face. I had him right where I wanted him.

"I'm afraid I can not tell you that Your Majesty…"

"That's a shame..hopefully, your lips will be looser next time we meet. That will be all."

"As you command, " he says before walking away. Once he rounds the corner, I let out a breath. I ran to where I hid my stuff and returned to my room. Closing the door behind me quietly, I put my things back and lay in bed. I had hoped to see who the Duke was talking to, but I guess they weren't idiots. Though I did get some information tonight, it isn't concrete proof. I drift off to sleep with a newfound anger.

A few weeks later, the engagement ball was upon us. Ellie came to my room once I was all dressed to wish me luck since it wasn't proper to talk with friends during these kinds of things. You were 'supposed to stay at your future husband's side,' which I was so close to raging about altogether. They dolled me up in an A-line dress with sleeves. It was ivory and fell to the floor like a puddle of silk. I would've loved the dress if it wasn't for such a horrible occasion. 

"Damn.. and you're sure you have to marry him?" Ellie asks, taking one of my hands and spinning me around. 

I roll my eyes but comply.

"Yes, unfortunately…"

She huffs before taking my crown off and handing it to Anais.

"Could you tell them to leave? I have something for you." She whispers in my ear.

I'm about to protest and demand she give me my crown back, but then I look into her eyes and sigh.

"Fine.. but this better be good, or I'll be late," I mutter before dismissing my girls.

"Alright, what's this gift?"

She grins and holds her hands out, signaling for me to put mine on top. I place them on top, and she rolls her eyes and flips them over so my palms face up.

"What are you-"

"Shhh!"

My jaw clamps shut, and she closes her eyes. The vines on my wall begin to grow, and flowers curl around my wrists and into my palms. Before my eyes, a pattern appears, and a gorgeous flower crown sits in my palms. She opens her eyes and takes the crown from my hands before placing it on my head.

"There.. That way, that other crown doesn't break your neck." I look at her in awe and admiration. My fingers graze the flowers on the top of my head. All my favorite flowers, in all my favorite colors. She just knew.

"Thank you, Ellie.. It's gorgeous. I don't know what to say.."

She shrugs and reaches up to fix it. 

"'S nothing.. Now quit messing with it; you're gonna bruise the petals."

My cheeks heat a little, and I pull her hands down.

"You know it doesn't match the rest of my dress, right?" I grin up at her.

"Ugh..."

She takes my hand and twirls me, and I watch flowers bloom across my dress. The same as my flower crown.

"There, happy? Swear I can't do nothing for you.." She grumbles like a big baby, and I can't help but poke her cheeks. She swats at my hands, and I laugh.

"Knock it off..Y/n.. you have an engagement ball to get to…"

If I hadn't known her pretty well by this point, I would've missed it. I hear a smidge of sorrow. I want to comment on it, but as I glance at the clock, I whisper a string of curses. We were very late.

"Right- thank you again, Ellie- I appreciate it." I gather the skirt of my dress and put on my shoes in record time before I feel like I'm missing something. Turning back to her, I notice a look of confusion on her face.

"Fuck it."

I kiss her cheek swiftly before I run out of the room and slam the door behind me.

It's been two hours, and Ellie still hasn't arrived. I arrived a little late, but almost no one took notice. My friends are here, but I can't even say hi to them. I discover that the Duke has chosen Oren to marry me out of the two sons. Glancing at the door again, as I have done for the past two hours, I see no change. Maybe I fucked up, and now Ellie hates me. Oh gosh, what have I done? Oren pulled me from my thoughts by addressing me.

"Isn't that right, dear? " he asks with a fake smile. So far, I didn't hate the guy. He was well-dressed and handsome, and I didn't want to punch him in the face, so there was also that. 

"Yes… that's right, my sweet." I grin and bear it. I glance at the entryway again and see Ellie come into the room. She looked.. odd.. But I still wasn't allowed over to check on her. I fiddle with one of the flowers on my dress, and almost as if she could sense it, her eyes snapped to mine. My hand snatches to my side as if I were caught doing something I wasn't supposed to be. She grins and waves at me. I'm utterly dumbfounded. My heart sinks, and I realize it's because we're just friends. I bite my lips and turn away from her. I didn't need this right now, even though I brought it on myself.

The ball progresses, and I dance with Oren. He's a decent dancer but nothing special... 

Get over it

My inner voice screams. I felt so pathetic. 

I step on one of Oren's shoes and apologize. He sighs and forgives me.

"Look, I don't know what's going on.. And I know you can't trust me because my father is a bastard... But.. if it would help, I'd be willing to listen."

He was right; I didn't trust him, not one bit. However, maybe he could be some help.

"You know your father is forcing me on this... I'm sorry to say, but I don't actually want to marry you.." 

He nods his head in understanding as he spins me. 

"Yes, unfortunately, I know... Would it help if I told you he was also forcing me…?"

It did help, but it also made me angrier.

"How could he do that to his own child..? What is he threatening you with..? Maybe I can help." I offer.

"I appreciate the sentiment, but… it's Elora... He threatened to send her off to a boarding school if I didn't do this. She hates the idea, and well.. I love my little sister and could do that to her."

As much as I wish I could, there was nothing I could do. It was in the Duke's own right to send his daughter away. 

"I see… well, I'm sorry for what it's worth."

"Me too…"

After five grueling hours of dancing and mingling, I retreat to my room for the evening. I place the gown Ellie helped to decorate in a special box while my mind screams at me. 

"Would you like some help with that, Your Majesty?" Anais asks me, crouching to the floor.

"Yes, that would be lovely. I don't want to ruin the flowers, so be careful. "

"Of course.. Are these.. An affinity, though?" 

I furrow my brows and look up at her. Revealing Ellie's secret would come naturally if I told her. It would be too easy to figure out, considering she was the last with me before my outfit changed. I was surprised they hadn't put it together already.

"No.. Ellie helped me glue them on before I left for the ball. That's why I was late…"

My quick thinking better save my ass again. However, she doesn't seem to buy it.

"Don't worry, I won't tell a soul… you should hang the gown, Your Majesty. Affinity plants don't wither or die." She explains. 

I grin and lift it out of the box. "Thank you, Anais." Gently, I carry the dress to my walk-in closet and hang it up. Walking over to my vanity, I grab the flower crown and drape it over a jewelry box. 

I'd have to hide it soon, or the others would start to suspect, but for now, I could look at it and wish.

Someone pulls the doors of my room open, and I lift my head to see who it is. Rose is standing there out of breath, her face panicked.

"Your Majesty!! Urgent Letter! It's from Emperor Raul!"

Emperor Raul. I had heard the name, of course. He ruled over the Mortican Empire to the north up in the mountains. He was known to be a good Emperor, so I wasn't too worried. Rose walks swiftly over and hands me the letter. Ivone hands me the letter opener, and I open it and begin to read it as I make my way to my desk.

Dear Queen Y/n, I hope this letter finds you at a prosperous and happy time. I have, of course, heard about your engagement and have written to congratulate you. Though, I can not say that is all. You see, I have recently come across some information about your Duke Barrow Haleson... I'm afraid he is Illigitament. Now, usually, I would have no trouble with peasants such as him, but I'm afraid as Duke of a country, one should be of noble blood. I have attached legal confirmation of his birth to aid you should you need it. I hope you will act swiftly in removing this threat from your council as I can not be in alliance with a country that does not prioritize wealth and power. I look forward to hearing the good news soon. His Imperial Majesty,  Emperor Raul Decomont Trilton The 3rd

This was exactly what I needed. Something was off, but I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. I had to be smart about this. Grabbing my robe, I rush to my office in the hope that Nakir is still awake, leaving my maids to be confused.

Opening the doors of my office, I see Nakir writing away at his desk.

"Nakir!! Oh, thank goodness. I need confirmation of something."

He lifts his head from his work and adjusts his attire.

"Of course, Your Majesty… How may I help you?"

I rush over, and he looks taken aback.

"I need you to verify if this is indeed legally accurate."

He glances at the document in my hand before gently taking it from me and reading it over. I watch his eyes scan the paper as I wait in anticipation. 

"This is.." He manages to get out.

"Yes.. the Duke's birth certificate…"

"It is indeed real, Your Majesty. " His shocked expression on his usually stoic face has me stressed.

"Oh, for the love of…. There's no way this just fell in my lap free of cost.. right?"

He shrugs, and I huff.

"I.. I don't know what to do. I could ruin the Duke with this and ensure he never returns… and leave the arranged marriage.."

Nakir stands and pushes in his chair.

"Why don't you ask the Prime Minister what you should do? As much as I'd like to well.. aid in this situation.. I won't be much help."

"Hmm, good idea.. Thanks, Nakir."

I head to Bennet's room this late at night and knock on his door. A few moments later, he opens it, still fully dressed in his usual attire.

"Your Majesty..what a pleasant surprise. Is there something I can help you with?" His calming voice soothes my raging anxiety just a smidge, and I nod.

"Yes.. could I please come in?"

He nods and opens the door further to allow me in. I look around his office, and all I see are geodes of some sort. Rocks fill every nook and cranny of his office and desk, except for one photograph of what seems to be him and his daughter. I smile fondly at the photo before turning back to him.

"I need some advice on what to do... I was sent a letter by Emperor Raul."

I notice a flicker of something in Bennet's face before he gives me a curious look.

"Whatever do you mean, Your Majesty?"

I hold out the letter and birth certificate to him. He reads everything over with a calm expression before he sighs and hands it back to me.

" I knew that old fool would get caught someday.."

A sense of betrayal fills me, and I look at him with a hurt expression, "You knew..?"

He looks down in shame. "I'm sorry, you see, he was a dear friend of mine. I couldn't afford to lose him."

It hurt, but I understood. If Ellie changed and I could still be by her side, I doubt I'd leave either.

"Fine, I understand that... though I'm still disappointed in you, Prime Minister," I say coldly. 

"I figured you would be... I'm assuming you want advice... " he asks hesitantly. I was also hesitant to receive advice from him, but I pushed my feelings aside.

"Yes.. what do you think I should do..?"

He sighs and sits down at his desk.

"Turn him in."

"Wait, what? But I thought he was your friend..?" I ask softly.

"He still is my friend, but he's been out of line. It's time he learns his lesson. And who better to teach him than you, Your Majesty."

He has a point, but I can't help but feel a little guilty. 

"If I do this.. There's no coming back for him.."

"I know that…"

I mulled it over for weeks as the wedding approached. There was one last council meeting before the wedding, and it was tomorrow. So I either had to present it then or find some other way. But what other way was there? Was there nothing else I could do?

"When an animal is backed into a corner, it becomes dangerous."

The mysterious man's voice rings in my head as I make my decision. The Duke had taken from me again and again. And if I was going to show that I could be a strong Queen, I needed the council to see that I wasn't messing around. Besides, if the Duke was no longer the head of the family, then Elora wouldn't have been forced to go to a boarding school. Oren would be free as well. But would he forgive me for ruining his family? And did I care?

I couldn't care less. I had to do this for my freedom and rights. It was a bit selfish, but I had to do something. Divorce was difficult between monarchs, no matter how early. Oren could claim a ton of my power if the courts favored him. Plus, there was Ellie. I had been sending her letters, and she was responding, but things didn't feel right. 

Tossing and turning:

I fall asleep to the feeling of regret and a dream.

The morning passes quickly, and the Prime Minister leads me yet again into the room. My nerves are shot, and I try to meet people's eyes. I glance at Ellie to see that she's already looking at me. However, she quickly averts her gaze. Arriving at my seat, I sit down, and everyone follows. 

"Now that we're all here, let us begin." The Prime Minister begins. 

The meeting goes on for a while, and once it reaches the end, I stand up and decide to make my move. 

"May I have your attention?"

A hush falls upon the council as I speak. I feel their eyes on me and do my best to stay confident.

"It has come to my attention... That one of you is illegitimate." 

All hell breaks loose. Accusations fly, and people cry in outrage. I bang the gavel, hoping everyone will shut up. A sudden silence and a cough. 

"As I was saying… I have found one of you to be illegitimate. Duke Barrow Haleson… would you care to explain yourself."

Whispers erupt, and I look to the Duke. His fists are clenched as eyes trail to him. 

"What proof do you have, Your Majesty?" A nasal voice speaks up. Moving my eyes from the Duke to the man who spoke, I see that it is Baron Kilmer. He was one of the Duke's friends and hated me with a passion. The loathing was mutual. 

"Well, Baron Kilmer, I managed to get my hands on the Duke's legal birth certificate. Unfortunately, none of you are allowed to hold it yourself as it's important evidence, so the Prime Minister here can attest to its legality."

Baron Kilmer grips his came tightly in his hand, and I have half a mind to assume he will hit something when the Duke speaks up.

"How did you find it… tell me, you foolish woman! Who sent you that birth certificate?!"

Gasps fill the room, and my gaze settles on him once more. He was standing now, gripping the handles on his seat.

"I don't see how it's of any importance how I got my hands on it. Just that I did Duke Haleson.. Or should I call you Barrow? Since you have no real last name nor title." 

I can practically feel his rage dripping from his soul. It all made sense now why none of his children inherited his so-called ice affinity. Because he never had it in the first place. Duchess Victoria was of true noble blood, so her genes must've just taken over. It was why the Duke had never been seen using his affinity and was known for being secretive about it. The one thing that didn't click was how a girl got such a rare affinity if she didn't have two noble parents… unless… Duchess Victoria cheated. 

"You wench!! I'll ruin you for this! How dare you accuse me of being illegitimate!" 

"Yelling at me and calling me names won't make it any less true, Barrow. Guards take him away."

He yells and swears as he's taken away, cursing my name and such. Everyone is in shock and disbelief. Members of the council discuss what just happened as I stand and walk right out of that room. 

The next few weeks are a mess. Members of the Duke's faction, as they've begun to call themselves, have decided to cease working until he is reinstated. This seems like a bad thing, but it gives me the chance to kick them all off the council and replace them with newer, younger individuals who aren't so old they're turning to dust. The process it takes is grueling and exhausting. I've been sending so many letters and emails that my hands have been cramping for days. Nakir has been an enormous help, but the two of us aren't enough. I emailed my friends to check in on them instead of asking them for help because I didn't want to be that friend. However, in a way, I've come to regret it. Ellie and I have still been exchanging letters, but it's awkward. I wanted to see her, no I needed to see her. 

Finishing the last part of the work for today, I organized it on my desk and began walking back to my room. Once there, I take a bath and put on pajamas and a robe. I decide to have my dinner on my balcony when I see a shadow moving through the gardens. Swearing, I glance at my maids and look for a way down. It was reckless, but I didn't want to wake the whole palace over a hunch. Closing the balcony doors, I turn and pull my robe closer. I look below and see a balcony underneath mine. Deciding I will do this, I climb over the balcony and drop down from the fence. I land on the ledge of the lower balcony. Swearing a string of curses, I jump to the side and land on the grass. Sanity was not a word in my vocabulary. Realizing I should've brought some sort of weapon, I cursed and began trailing the figure.

The gardens were always quiet at this time of night except for the sounds of crickets and the water fountains. Occasionally, a breeze would flow through the flowers, and I would get a whiff of floral scents, though. The whole space was enchanting with flower bushes and paved walkways. Walking along one of the paths, I reached a part where the paths ended and heard footsteps. I crouch down and begin following the sound of the footsteps when the figure takes off running.

"Shit shit shit, what am I doing?!" I mutter as I chase after the cloaked figure. Sareth had a fighting class, so I knew some things, but I was nowhere near assassin level. I spot the figure bending over a bush and decide to sneak up on them. Slipping off my shoes and setting them on the grass, I take slow, deliberate steps and tackle them to the ground. I grab their wrists and pin them next to their head as they let out a breathless scream. I sit on their hips to keep them from moving and look down to see their face. Grinning from glee, I look down to see just who I expected. 

Ellie's hair fans out underneath her, and a terrified expression fills her face before it changes to one of determination. It was then I realized she couldn't see me well enough in the dark. Before I can tell her it's me, she lifts her hips and flips me onto my back. Her cold switchblade reaches my neck in an instant. Suddenly, fireflies surround us like when I was crying in the garden. She can see me now. I grin at her and I see surprise etch her features.

"Hey.." I manage to get out, wiggling my eyebrows. She stares down at me before glancing at her switchblade and immediately pulling it up and away from my neck.

"Y/n..? What the fuck! You scared the shit out of me! What if I cut you, you idiot!" She seems angry, but I can tell she is just worried.

"I had a feeling it was you," I said, smiling. She often passed my balcony late at night while taking her evening walk. Usually, she writes in her journal as she walks, and I have nailed her routine by now. However, she didn't usually have a cloak on, which is why I couldn't be sure it was her. But I was willing to take the risk.

"And what if it wasn't me, huh? What then."

"Then I'd die wishing it was you…" I mutter softly, looking up at her. Her breath hitches, and I feel her anger subside.

"You're such a dork."

Thanks to the fireflies, I can see her face clearly. A slight blush danced on her features, and I decided then and there that it was all worth it. 

"I needed to talk to you, Ellie... Things have been…"

"Awkward? Yea.. I know.. Look, I'm sorry I-"

"No- no, it's ok-"

"Look at the Ball.. I was high as fuck.. It's why I was late and-"

We suddenly both realize she's still sitting on my hips and holding a wrist to my chest. She immediately fumbles back and off me.

"Shit- I'm so sorry, Y/n... I almost murdered you-"

"Hey... Hey, it's ok. I knew you wouldn't." I adjust so I'm sitting on the grass facing her. 

"You're still a dumbass for that." I focus on her face as I hear water running from the palace fountain.

"What are you doing out here so late?" I ask, tying her untied converses.

She shifts her foot and huffs.

"I was going for a walk."

"With a cloak on? And with your switchblade?" I ask, raising a brow as I finish the last knot.

"It's cold out here! And I never go anywhere without it…" She argues. I pull my hands away from her shoe and lean back onto my hands. The feeling of the grass poking my hands tickles a little, but I ignore it. 

"Alright, fair enough. Where did you even get it? It's a lovely switchblade," I say, looking at it as Ellie closes it. She gently hands it over, and I sit up and gently take it.

"My mom gave it to a woman named Marlene for me to have. She.. she got sick and wasn't going to make it.."

I frown and examine the blade. Marble is carved into the wood of the handle. It was simple yet gorgeous at the same time. I close it and hand it back.

"It's gorgeous Ellie… " I didn't note on her mother's death; Ellie didn't seem like the type of person to like even a smidge of pity. So I ask her questions about it instead.

"What sickness was it..? If I can ask..?"

"Some disease that spread around Jackson right before I was born. Loads of people died from it, but Joel won't let anyone tell me about it. I've tried to find information on it for ages now, but all I get is a bunch of nothing." She says, fiddling with a rock on the ground. 

"Why don't I look into it for you..? I'm sure I can find something." I say gently.

She looks up at me finally with a slight hesitation on her face.

"You'd do that..?"

"Yea… 'course I would, El.."

She stares at me for a moment, and I begin to question if I've done something wrong.

"Ellie-" 

"Say it again.." She whispers.

"Wha-"

"Call me El again.." Louder this time.

I stare into her eyes trying to determine what she's thinking but I can't. The fireflies seem to be moving even faster, and crickets sing once more. I open my mouth and whisper,

"El.."

She grins and pulls out her journal.

"What are you-"

"Shhh! Hold still." Her hand holds my chin as she moves my head to face her.

 Cold fingers and callouses.

She lets go and starts sketching. She sticks her tongue out just a smidge, and I have to resist the urge to laugh. I smile at her, and she grins. Watching her pencil move across the paper to form my face is quite the sight. I could tell she moved more fireflies around my face because they were surrounding me, and I could hardly see her. After a few minutes, she signs her name, writes something at the bottom, and closes the notebook.

"What! I don't get to see??" My voice breaking the silence.

"Nope." She says with a cheeky grin.

"How rude! I sat here for hours posing, and now you won't even let me see the finished work!"

"Yup, that's right."

I glare at her, and she just bursts out laughing. Huffing, I gently swat the fireflies away. 

"Can't believe you."

"You seriously didn't see this coming?" 

I huff and roll my eyes.

"No…I trusted you."

"Rule number one, never trust anyone."

"That rule is bullshit."

"You calling my rules bullshit?"

"I calls them like I sees them."

This time, it's her turn to huff. She flicks my forehead and stands. As she extends a hand to me, I take it and stand next to her.

"Next time, don't go chasing people in your pajamas during the middle of the night." She looks down at me with a raised brow and a slightly judgemental look.

"I'm not a child Ellie."

"You're younger than me."

"What! No way!"

"Yea, I'm 21," Ellie says cockily.

I huff and kick a rock before I take my hand from hers.

"Alright, whatever.. Next time I'll send the guards to tackle your ass."

She grins and forms a flower for me from the ground up. Cutting the stem as she usually does, she hands it to me. This time, it's a Dalhia with an ombre pattern. 

"Thanks, Ellie, it's gorgeous…" 

She says nothing for a moment before she asks, "Why did you kiss me on the cheek..?" 

My heart dropped, and I didn't know what to tell her because I honestly didn't know why either. 

"Isn't that what some royals do as a farewell…?" I think on the spot. It was true that some royals and nobles used it as a farewell to people they considered close. Still, it was usually given to someone who was on the same hierarchy as you. Giving a kiss to someone "Beneath you" was considered running the royal lips.

I can't read her expression, but she seems to buy it. Just when the silence becomes too unbearable, she tucks my hair away from my cheek and kisses it softly.

"Figured I'd return the favor.."

Before I can respond, she's practically running away. I stand there dazed for a moment and cup the spot she kissed to hold my hand out and look at it as if the kiss would appear on my hand. My face heats up and I feel butterflies attack my stomach. I take a deep, shaky breath before I make my way back to my room.

It turns out I freaked out my maids. Due to my little excursion, the whole palace was in a panic, thinking I'd been kidnapped. Now, thanks to my idiocy, two guards were placed at the bottom of the second balcony. It seemed my general was not playing with my safety, which I kind of appreciated. I sent him a long letter profusely apologizing, and this time, instead of flowers like I did for Nakir, I sent his favorite food along with it. 

Now, I was currently getting ready for Barrow's court hearing. A judge would be providing, but as I was the Queen and had made the claim, I was required to be there.

Jane weaves pearl pins into my hair while Rose smooths out my dress. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was going in there as a lawyer myself. They've put me in a deep purple pantsuit and white heels. Pearls are woven and pinned into my hair, and I've been given a folder with all the information needed for court today. Finishing up, Jane takes a step back and curtsies.

"All done, Your Majesty." Her usually timid voice was gone.

"Thank you, Jane," I say as I finish adjusting my jewelry.

I was happy she had finally come out of her shell and gained some sense of comfort around me. I smile at her before I walk to the door.

"I'll be back, girls! Feel free to relax while I'm gone; it's gonna be a while." I say before I open the doors. They respond with well-wishes and such, and I close the door behind me. I make my way to the courtroom and spot a few friendly faces in the crowd. The Prime Minister and Nakir are in the booth. I see Ellie, too, and I'm surprised to see Dina and Jesse with her. Dina spots me and waves to me while Jesse smacks her arm down. I giggle and wave back before making my way to my throne. I watch as Dina smacks Jesse and says something to him as he rolls his eyes. Those two are a handful, and Ellie seems annoyed. I try to meet her eyes, but she seems too tired to realize it. 

Soon, court is in session, and Barrow is brought out. He glares up at me, and I raise a brow. You reap what you sow motherfucker. 

"Barrow, formerly known as Duke Barrow Haleson, you are hereby charged with impersonation of a noble and slandering the royal name. Are you or are you not guilty?" The Judge asks Barrow.

"I'm not guilty." He says proudly. His lawyer facepalms and groans. I stifle a laugh and pay attention. 

"Alrighty then. Will the court please present its evidence?"

The District attorney presents the birth certificate to the Judge. I watch as his eyes scan over the document. The room waits with bated breath as the Judge sets the document down. Her eyes narrow as she looks at Barrow.

"What is your claim, Barrow? Because this document seems legally accurate to me." She says coldly, her voice unwavering.

"Your Honor… I was only helping the late Duke Haleson... You see, his child died as it was born along with his wife. He had to start all over again… but I was born under his roof to a maid and a stable boy. He promised them I would be well taken care of. The Duke hid that document away… If anything, this is the late Duke's fault, not mine! I had no choice in the matter, and by the time I knew, I was too far in deep to admit the truth." He begins pleading, "Please, Judge Mallory... There must be something you can do."

"Do not blame the dead, for they are no longer here." The Prime Minister suddenly says. I wasn't aware people were allowed to interject during court.

"Yes… thank you, Prime Minister.. Barrow, you are admitting to being an illegitimate child, yet you claim you aren't guilty?"

"Yes… Your honor.."

Judge Mallory sighs and writes something down.

"And what of the slander against the Queen? Do you admit to that?"

"I was simply saying what everyone in the room was thinking." Everyone in the room rushes to my side and begins yelling at him. Barrow flinches and begins apologizing.

"Alright! Alright! I'm sorry!! " he says, covering his ears and glaring at the people in the room.

Judge Mallory turns to me and asks, "How would you like to proceed, Your Majesty?"

I ponder on it for a moment. What he said may be true... And if so, I do feel some sort of pity for him… however, I had to make an example of what happened to those who fooled me.

"Imprisonment for 20 years," I say to the Judge. Barrow begins screaming and pleading.

"Your Majesty, no!! Please!!" He cries out. I look down at him unfeeling and wish I could feel some sort of pity, but this man attempted to take away my right to choose who I marry. And so much more. 

"Would you like 40 years instead, Barrow? I thought 20 was quite merciful of me…" Looking down at him, I see the fear turn to rage.

"Fine. So be it, but there's something that needs to be addressed! You must pay for your infidelity and unloyalty to my son!"

I was heavily confused. Glancing at Oren himself, I see he, too, is perplexed.

"What do you mean Barrow?" Judge Mallory asks.

"She is cheating on my son! Bring me the letters!"

A butler brings out something covered in a white cloth and sets it on the table before him. Whispers fill the room, and I begin to notice that outline along the bottom.. no .. it couldn't be... Could it..?

Barrow lifts the cloth off the top, and my worst fears come to life. The box full of letters Ellie sent me rests on the table right in front of him. He opens the box and hands the letters to his lawyer. How did he get his hands on those... The only people who know about them are… my maids…

One of my maids betrayed me. The sickening realization fills my lungs with bile, and I feel myself grip my seat. I glance at Ellie, but she's staring at the letters.

"They're all letters to the Queen... From some Prince E!!" Barrow's lawyer shouts. The room erupts in gasps, and he brings the letters to Judge Mallory. I  feel everyone's eyes on me. I try to open my mouth, but it's dry, and I can't seem to get a word out.

"Your Majesty… is this true..?"

Judge Mallory looks at me with the letters in her hand, and I try not to cry.

"Of course it's true!! Prince E can only be a man that she's cheating on my son with!"

"But I've never heard of a Prince E…"

"Who could Prince E be."

A few whispers I catch stress me out further. I was screwed. The only people who knew Prince E were Ellie and me. If I spoke up about it, I'd have to say Ellie is just a friend. Which I could do.. or … admit that I was cheating even though I wasn't and face the consequences. Neither option sounded good, but I was backed into a corner. Licking my lips, I begin to say something when I hear, "It was me." 

A voice rings out from the stands. Ellie stands tall as whispers erupt around the room.

"I wrote Y/n.. I mean Queen Y/n, those letters. I'm Prince E."

Chaos ensues, and Judge Mallory has to slam her gavel to calm everyone down. I stare at Ellie in shock, but she doesn't look my way.

"Can you prove this claim, Prince Ellie?" Judge Mallory asks.

"Yes, Jesse, go grab the letters, please." She asks him loudly. He bows and runs off, looking more stressed than I've ever seen him.

Ellie meets my eyes, but before I can say anything to her, she looks away. My heart drops even further. As we wait for Jesse to return, people gossip like crazy. Jesse runs back into the room with a box similar to mine. She really had been keeping them…

"As you can see, these are sealed with Her Majesty's personal seal," Ellie says, looking directly at Barrow, challenging him. Jesse brings the box to Judge Mallory, and she reads a few before sighing.

"What is your point, Prince Ellie?" Judge Mallory asks her.

"My point.. Is that Queen Y/n and I are just friends? Nothing more." 

Tears well in my eyes as I feel my heart snap. Everyone in the room has some form of reaction, and Barrow yells in outrage.

"This can't be!! I had a reliable source tell me the Queen was cheating on my son!!" He bellows. 

Judge Mallory bangs the gavel once more and calmly says.

"Prince Ellie's statement checks out, Barrow; you are hereby stripped of your title permanently and sentenced to 30 years imprisonment for slander of the Royal family and impersonation of a noble."

She bangs her gavel once more as a final message to keep quiet and rises from her seat. Things go by quickly after that. Ellie, Dina, Jesse, and everyone else leave the room quickly while I stay frozen in my seat. Suddenly, I snap out of it, grab the letters from the bench, and run back to my room. As soon as I'm there, I kick my maids out. I didn't know which one of them to trust... One of them had betrayed me... Maybe even more.

I felt so hurt and betrayed... Not only by others but by myself. Here I was, sobbing over a woman who didn't love me back...

I was falling in love with her…

No…

I was in love with Ellie Williams.

And it killed me inside to admit that.

The tears fall down my face at a faster pace now. I'm looking around the room for a place to hide the letters when my eyes land on the fireplace. Blinded by my emotions and tears, I stumble over to it and light it. If I was going to be a Queen I could be proud of, I needed to make a change. Besides… as Ellie said, we're just friends…

The warm flames lick my cold tears as I sob and burn each and every letter…

I should've just gotten a damn phone..

↞ Previous ⨾ଓ Masterlist ⨾ଓ Next ↠

[anavatazes]

Learn to be a Texas Southern, From Austin.

Ok. First of all, I love you all. I truly do. I adore my fan fic writers, especially if you write my Joel crack... um, stories. *cough* The man keeps me in a bear hug and refuses to let go. Not that I am complaining ;).

BUT, for the LOVE of all that is holy and good and Joel, STOP using any American TV show or movie for reference to how things are in Texas as far as the food, the way they talk, the way the weather is, how and what a BBQ is, and I swear if I see another one with snow...

Like I said, I love you all. Yes, fan fiction is fantasy. You can write what you want. How you want. That's what is so great and wonderful about it. Get creative, get wild. Go crazy! But don't sit there and act like you do your research and are an accurate little miss that can do no wrong. Nuh-uh. I will find a slew of little old ladies that will Bless Your Hearts from here to Oblivion if you call Ribs with BBQ sauce proper BBQ in Texas. Believe you me. Every State in the Union has their own form of BBQ, and in the Southern States, it's a fucking religion akin to College Football and Jesus.

American TV and movies are pretty generic when it comes to the accuracy of our own culture and will take great liberties when trying to pass off one area for another. This includes accents, ways people speak, and how the areas they are in truly are. I touched on this briefly when I went over the whole Bless Your Heart phrase and how it does not mean what you think it means and it can get pretty offensive quick. American TV likes to go for the shock value, and the drama more than it likes to go for the accuracy and really doesn't care who it offends in the process. And older shows, like Dallas, Southerners don't talk like that anymore. Except maybe a few left in Kentucky... Maybe. Watch play-throughs of the games if you want a feel for how Joel speaks. Especially the first one. Stay away from the second one if you are trying to avoid season 2 spoilers for the show.

No Outbreak!/Pre-Outbreak!Joel will spend Saturday mornings with Sarah hiking. And there are next to no hills (unless man-made) in Austin. It's all flatland. No mountains. A few rivers, and Lake Travis isn't far away. A lot of trails all around Austin from 1999 to 2013, depending on when you wanted to have Outbreak Day if you wanted it at all. They'd probably go to one of a trillion restaurants in Austin for lunch, depending on their taste. It is canon that Joel can't cook. Tommy, Ellie, AND Sarah all bring it up in Pt. 1 and Pt. 2, if you know where to look. I would say one of their favorite places would be Home Slice for some great pizza. Or maybe even Torchies for a wide variety of tasty Tex-Mex food. Maybe even pick up some Brisket (Texas BBQ) to take home to get ready for an afternoon spent watching the University of Texas football game on the TV, if we're in August to January. Honestly, May through the beginning of October, they probably aren't doing too much hiking. The temperature of 100° plus (in Fahrenheit) is all the rage at this time. And you might have high humidity one day, with non-stop thunderstorms that might seem like a hurricane, and can spawn a tornado, but really isn't a hurricane. Then the next day, be the dryest heat that you've ever experienced in your life. Though, from what I've heard, the latter rarely happens now. More humid days are common now.

Texas BBQ.

If you are ever in the Southern United States, do yourself a favor, and just do not call anything related to the grill BBQ, ok. You will be better off and have a nicer visit, and life overall. If you like to live dangerously, go ahead and call the grill a BBQ. Call a cookout a BBQ. Go ahead. I'll wait. I'll have the tissues ready and waiting for the passive-aggressive politeness from the ladies and the open hostility from the not-so-gentlemen. You have a Cookout, or you Grill out. A BBQ is a way of life and means something different in each state (and will start a war in North Carolina because they are so special, they have two kinds of BBQ). Most everyone in (at least the South) can agree that BBQ food is some sort of slow cooked meat. In Texas, almost 99% of the population agrees it's Brisket, and the rest are wrong. (That's another Southern thing, they are right, and everyone else is just wrong. Drives me nuts when they use it in an argument). Now, they will have different ways of preparing it, and they will have fights over it (have witnessed several), but they all agree on Brisket.

Being close to the Mexican border and Texas' history as a part of Mexico once upon a time means that there is a heavy Mexican influence in Austin. As much as Texas likes to claim to be white bread, it really isn't. From the food to the people to the names of streets, cities, etc, there is a heavy Mexican influence. The idea that, somewhere, that Joel and Tommy have Latino blood is not far-fetched. Especially on the show. At the very least they would have a basic understanding of Spanish. That is being from Austin, regardless if they share any Mexican heritage or not.

Politeness and the True Southern Gentlemen.

I hate to break it to you, but there is no such thing as the great Southern Politeness and Hospitality. In fact, if a guy comes up to me and says he's a True Southern Gentleman, I'm running the other way. That "Gentleman" is 9/10 times a walking sexual assault case. This is not to say there are no nic+e and polite people in the South, but it is no different from any other place in the US. But, I will tell you, from the upper middle class on up, they can be some of the most passive-aggressive mother fuckers you will ever meet. From the Mid-Middle Class on down, the more hospitable they will be, and they fit the stereotype the upper class has somehow gotten. It's a mess.

Religion

Not everyone in the South is Christian, or devout, but will say a phrase that will make you think they are. I touched on this in my Bless Your Heart post. As God as my Witness, Good Lord Willin', Christ Almighty, and others are common phrases you will hear in the South. It DOES NOT mean the speaker is religious by any means. Trust me.

That's all I have for now. I could go on, as there is more. And please remember, fan fiction is fantasy, it's creative. Write what you want. This is just to help out those who are looking for more accuracy. And as it has been a while since Austin for me, and you are from Texas, and more specifically Austin, and you wish to add more info, and/or correct anything, feel free, please. There are a lot of differences among the Southern States, and it can be a pain to keep it all straight. So I have no problem in receiving help to keep in all in line :).

[pedropascallme]

The Good, the Bad, and the Better II

Pairing: gunslinger!Joel Miller x f!Reader

Summary: "You stood, walking into the main room to see the Millers sat at the kitchen table, conversing in hushed tones. They stopped speaking when you approached; Joel kept his gaze down, and Tommy shifted to look at you, offering a polite smile."

Content: Mentions of crimes? Is that a warning? If I missed anything please let me know!

AN: Hi this took forever to edit because I love overusing adjectives. Anyway this is part 2, part 1 is here! I likely won't be updating this series super often because I'm way too busy but nevertheless I persist.

You learned quickly that this was not a house of God.

The Miller boys were…brash, put lightly. It wasn’t shocking; of course, two grown men, unmarried and in a territory where anything could happen, and often did, were going to eat, drink, and be merry on their own accord. But you were startled by Ellie’s delight at being included in their fliting and fighting. You listened for hours on end as El and Tommy hurled insults and laughed while Joel looked on with a glint of humor in his eyes, never cracking a smile; the men drinking beer and Ellie sipping sarsaparilla, her hand dwarfed by Tommy’s as she tried her best to beat him in an arm wrestle.

You didn’t mind, in all honesty, but the culture shock was something you hadn’t expected. Maybe you should’ve known that your aunt’s friends wouldn’t be gentlemen to the highest degree, given her track record and the company she often kept, but it was better than sitting at home and waiting to join your parents in the Heavens—death by boredom and self-pity.

Despite the disorder, you found solace in the moments you were granted now, in Texas. The sun was radiant, adding natural blush to your cheeks and making you feel truly alive in the midst of all your losses. And the company was, though chaotic, far from bad. You continued to teach Ellie the hand games you used to play with the girls at church, Tommy watching idly, his foot hitting the floorboards in sync with the rhythm of your hands smacking together. You did, truly, have a soft spot for the younger girl. It was something that felt familial, the thought of two orphans living under the same roof and sharing the experience of adventure and the wild west—or maybe it was just because she made you laugh till your stomach hurt, tears creeping out of your eyes when she made you cackle with glee, the taste of the salt on your face finally associated with joy instead of sorrow.  

Tommy, too, was increasingly easy to be around. He was polite, for someone who lived in such a frenzied manner, and seemed to genuinely mean it when he waved good morning, putting breakfast in front of you first when the sun rose.

“How come I never get fed first?” Ellie whined, still in sleep clothes, knees tucked into her chest as the sun crept in through the windows, heating the house.

“Ladies first.” Tommy winked, serving you before reaching over to drop down Ellie’s plate in front of her.

“I could be a lady!” Ellie spread herself out, arms and legs wide as she slumped in her chair.

“Do ya wanna be one?” Tommy arched a brow, feeding himself now.

“…Just want some damn eggs…” She grumbled.

But Joel still made you out of place, still gave you that uneasy heat in the bottom of your stomach that you had grown accustomed to pushing down. He stayed mostly quiet, even when it came to rough housing; his looming presence felt more adjacent to violence than Tommy and Ellie’s wrestling, and his blunt, grunted responses to their insults made your heartbeat pick up just a bit. He barely addressed you, opting to care for the horses while you ate, leaving for town shortly after and returning after dinner. You didn’t know where he went, where he found himself on the long days under the Texan sun, and all Ellie ever told you was not to worry about the work the Millers did.

You heard Joel say your name once or twice on occasion while you readied yourself for bed, Ellie snoring behind you on the mattress you shared, unable to pick up any other dialogue between Joel and Tommy from the other room.

You hated to admit it, so you didn’t, but hearing your name fall from Joel’s lips excited you more than anything else ever had.

~~~

Texas, November 1847

“I don’t understand—how will I know if the next card will be the right number to help me get to twenty-one?” The cabin was quiet, save for your conversation, and you heard birds circling nearby, calling down at the nothingness of the fields below. Joel and Tommy had left after breakfast, and Ellie used the silence to her advantage, finally teaching you the games Tommy said would create a poor influence.

“You don’t! That’s the point—give me your cards.” Ellie snatched the stack of cards in front of you, shuffling them together with her own and dealing them out again. “It’s all luck, that’s all betting is. Joel says it’s cheat or be cheated, but I think it’s fun.”

“He doesn’t seem to say much else…” You muttered, peaking at Ellie over your cards, “Oh—uh, hit me.” You tried to remember the correct terminology for the game, making El smile up at you.

She passed you another card, “He’s not so bad. Don’t know why you don’t like him.”

“Who said I didn’t like him?” You felt defensive, “I never said that. It’s rude to talk about people when they aren’t in your presence.”

“Ain’t it also a sin to gamble?” Ellie looked devious, and you bit back the urge to toss your cards at her.

“I don’t have money down. And I don’t think Joel likes me.” You countered. “Never even looks at me.”

“That’s just what he’s like,” Ellie echoed Tommy’s words from a month prior, and you still didn’t like how they sounded, “Quiet type.”

“I think it’s rude.”

“So you don’t like him.”

“I like him fine. Just wish he would address me. Wonder sometimes if he even knows my name.” You felt heat creep underneath your corset when you recalled that he did, in fact, know your name, and the memories of hearing him say it in hushed conversation with Tommy when they thought you were only made you feel warmer.

“Uh huh,” the same devious look returned to Ellie’s face, and she revealed her cards to you—a perfect 21, “I win.”

You heard the patter of hooves outside, a whinny, and then the sound of boots hitting the dusty ground. Joel and Tommy pushed through the door, respectively stoic and jovial. You noticed the guns strapped to their legs, feeling suddenly uncomfortable in your own skin; why did they need those?

And why did you want to watch Joel pull the trigger?

They weren’t anything like the hunting rifles your father had owned but never used. They looked like props, shiny and decorative, but all too heavy on the belts of the men in front of you to be anything but the real deal.

Maybe they just liked hunting in style; you pushed the thought from your mind, supposing that ignorance would be bliss.

You watched Tommy take a handful of coins from his pocket, placing them on the table in front of Ellie, who delighted in running her fingers over the metal. You stayed seated, curiously stealing glances at the money. You nearly jumped when you felt a tap on your shoulder, turning to see Joel standing over you before he reached out his hand to offer you a coin like the ones Ellie and Tommy were giggling like school children over. You placed your hand over it shyly, feeling the cold of the metal where it met the warmth of Joel’s hand.

“Keep it.” He turned before you could ask what for, let alone say thank you.

You looked at Ellie from across the table. She just smiled.

~~~

You spent the following morning at the small desk in the corner of your bedroom, writing notes to your aunt and describing in less than stellar detail the events of the past month, asking how New York was and ensuring that she knew how deeply you missed her. The paper was old, and the ink nearly dry, but it was all you could find in the house and felt it would be a waste not to use what you had so luckily stumbled upon. You pushed the letter out of the way, putting down the pen and watching it roll back on the wood of the desk. It hit the coin Joel had given you the day prior, and you sat staring at it for a moment; why on earth was this clouding your mind so much? It was just a coin, a dollar piece—Ellie hadn’t seemed disturbed by the wealth the Millers had brought home yesterday, why should one dollar cause your hands to tremble?

You knew why.

You knew it was because of the mystery, the sudden understanding that these men were likely insincere, despite your best efforts to see the best in everybody. You knew it was because of how the coin complemented the tanned skin of Joel’s hand when he had gifted it to you, and the way you could still see the imprint of his thumb against the stamp of lady liberty. The thought of Joel keeping one of the coins with the sole intent of giving it to you made you turn scarlet.

Your first crush had been an older boy at church; his hair was dusty blonde, and you liked the way he sang his hymns. And then there had been the boy who worked at the stables in town, who tried to steal a kiss from you when your father stopped to talk to the man who ran the place. There was the man who worked at the shop down the road, and the other boy from church. And of course, the boy on the ranch next door that your mother insisted you bring fresh bread to whenever she had made enough, pushing a basket into your arms and encouraging you to find yourself a lifelong connection.

But they had all been so…plain.

You felt dirty, knowing that deep down you harbored any sort of feeling for a man who wouldn’t even look you in the eyes, one so much older than you with a hint of gray in his beard and calloused hands, silver gun strapped to his hip and money you didn’t know the source of in his pockets—but maybe that’s what made it fun this time, instead of harboring a guilty conscious about whether or not you were good enough for him, you were left wondering whether or not he was good enough for you.

It was a complete role reversal, a situation that turned the tired trope of your incessant need to be a good, God-fearing young woman in order to appeal to someone on its head. You were already good enough—great, even. Better, at least, than he was.

And at the very least, it was more interesting than any other crush you had experienced.

You stood, walking into the main room to see the Millers sat at the kitchen table, conversing in hushed tones. They stopped speaking when you approached; Joel kept his gaze down, and Tommy shifted to look at you, offering a polite smile.

“Where’s El?” You asked when you realized they wouldn’t speak unless spoken to.

“Off somewhere.” Tommy was casual about Ellie’s outings. You felt almost jealous of how easy it was for her to go off exploring on her own, taking a horse—her horse—and spending her days wild and free; you wondered what life would have been like for you if you had been granted that type of liberation growing up.

You supposed you would be much more like your aunt.

“Oh,” you tried not to show your disappointment at the younger girl’s absence, or your anxiety at being left alone with the two men currently in your presence. You spoke directly to Tommy, facing him to speak rather than leaving your words ambiguous in the direction of both men. Joel didn’t seem to care, not that you’d be able to read his expression properly if he did. “I have a letter for my aunt. Will you mail it for me?”

“You can mail it yourself today!” Tommy’s grin grew wider, “You’re goin’ on an adventure, girly.”

“What?” You couldn’t begin to hide the surprise in your voice. You hadn’t left the house since you’d arrived, opting to familiarize yourself with the space and the patch of land surrounding it, and the thought of leaving made your stomach churn just a bit.

"You have land, ever think to check on it?" Tommy teased, though he clearly sensed your distress with the way he pulled another chair out from the table, beckoning you silently to sit. You did, crossing your ankles and clasping your hands in your lap.

“When? Now?” You prodded, trying to maintain a shred of dignity, but feeling antsy.

“Slow down, now—in a bit. Y’ever ride a horse before?” Tommy narrowed his eyes at you playfully.

“No.” Joel interrupted before you had a chance to open your mouth.

“I—yes, I have.” You tried to ignore Joel, side-eyeing him while you answered Tommy’s question.

“She’s not takin’ a horse.” Joel was gruff, and you liked the way his accent paired with his deep voice, but that didn’t quell your confusion.

“C’mon, Joel—” Tommy raised his shoulders, something you noticed he did when arguing with his brother.

“No. Too dangerous.” Joel leaned forward, “Not worth the risk.”

Tommy let his shoulders sag, looking between you and Joel. He let out a defeated huff. “What, then—she ridin’ with you?”

With you?

“S’what makes the most sense.” Joel shrugged, nonchalant, and reached for a bottle of something on the table before taking a swig. “Safer.”

You think this may be the most you’d ever heard the elder Miller speak in one sitting, and you didn’t know whether to be honored or threatened that he was talking about you.

“I don’t…I can’t ride that well,” you muttered, feeling as though it was only fair for you to get a say in the outcome of this argument, even if you were agreeing with Joel, “Joel’s right.”

Joel and Tommy locked eyes, and Tommy raised his hands in defeat, before silently leaving the table to prep the horses.

You sat quietly next to Joel, sneaking glances, and listening to him swallow the remaining liquid in the bottle he had in front of him. You felt hot again, unsure of why you had agreed to share a horse—unsure of why it was Joel taking you in the first place, why Tommy couldn’t be your guardian for the day, why you didn’t just take the cart they had picked you up from the train station in.

“Y’alright?” You jumped at the sudden intrusion from your thoughts, looking up at Joel, who stared back at you.

“N—yes, I’m fine…How are you?” You tried desperately to make an awkward situation less awkward, still almost frightened by Joel’s presence despite the way it thrilled you. Joel made a face that neared a smile but still managed to come off as more of a sneer.

“Doin’ fine, darlin’.” He stood, finding his way outside to help Tommy, leaving you to reflect on how stupid you must look trying to engage with him. 

When you mustered up the courage to leave the shack and locate the two men, you found Joel mounted on his horse, Tommy winding the rope they had used to keep the animal close to the house around his fingers. Joel looked statuesque; high and mighty, wide shoulders sending a shadow behind him that you let your shoes toe at in the dirt. The suede of his hat barely hid the graying hair he had pushed back underneath it, and as you studied him atop the white, speckled horse, you found yourself thinking of the Bible verse that had scared you so much as a child, about death and his steed. You felt your thighs tremble and buried the thought.

Tommy snapped you to attention, whistling low.

“You ready?”

“I—yes.”

“Got that letter?” He smiled at you. You patted your apron pocket, reassuring both Tommy and yourself that the note to your aunt was tucked away safely. “Atta girl. Get on up there, then.” Tommy nodded towards the horse and an uninterested Joel, and you hesitated. There was no mount, no saddle for you, and the Millers seemed to forget that you were shorter than they were—and wearing a dress. You heard Joel huff before he dismounted, boots landing hard on the dirt, crunching rocks underneath him as he walked towards you and, wordlessly, picked you up.

“Joel!” You felt red rush to your face, his arm wrapped tightly around your waist until he stood parallel to the ever-patient horse, where he maneuvered you bridal-style and waited for you to get your legs around the horse’s midriff. You couldn’t look up, stunned and somewhat frozen in place, refusing to make eye contact with an amused Tommy as Joel himself got onto the horse with ease in front of you.

“El jumps. For the record.” Joel muttered at you, “Hold on.” You hesitated again, raising your arms before an impatient Joel delicately connected his hand to one of your own, pulling it against his stomach. “I don’t bite, darlin’.” You could see the white of his teeth when he spoke. You scooted closer, pressing your chest into him slightly as if to test the waters. He didn’t budge.

“Best get a move on,” Tommy reminded you of his presence, “Wanna be back before sundown.”

~~~

It had been years since you had ridden a horse. As a child, you knew girls whose parents were wealthy, and could afford the luxury of buying their daughters their own personal mare to parade around. You tried not to feel envious; you were happy for what you had—for everything God granted—but you couldn’t help the flare of envy that rose in your throat when you saw girls braiding the dusty manes of their horses, putting Queen Anne’s lace and dandelions in their tails.

Joel was silent. He hadn’t said a word since Tommy had seen you off on your excursion, and part of you was glad. You could focus on the slow sound of the horse’s hooves against the landscape and the way the breeze knocked the short plants over themselves. You could feel Joel’s stomach expand with every breath he took, your hands still planted cautiously around his waist. You found yourself leaning forward into him every few minutes, the comfort of his back, the friction of his jacket against your cheek keeping you grounded. You jumped where you sat when he turned slightly to spit the chewing tobacco he had in his cheeks.

“Sorry.” Joel grumbled a short apology, and you lowered yourself back onto him hesitantly.

“It’s alright.” Your breathing fell in sync with his. More silence followed, and you tried to think of ways you might break the tension that surrounded you. “Joel?”

“Mm.”

“Why did you give me that money?” Your words were quiet, nearly vanishing into the suede of his jacket. Joel didn’t respond for a long while.

“Wanted you to have it,” He shrugged, and you moved with him, his shoulders lifting your neck slightly, “ain’t like you got a job.” His head turned just enough for him to view you in his peripheral, and you looked up at him, not fully convinced by his answer.

You didn’t believe him. “Got land.”

“Not the same, darlin’.” Joel returned his attention to the path in front of him.

“Where’d you get it?”

“Pardon?”

“The money.”

Joel sighed, as if he had been anticipating your line of questioning. “Y’ask a lot of questions.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You’re difficult, too.” He spoke with an air of amusement.

“Yeah? Well, you’re rude.”

“Why’s‘at?”

“You don’t address me properly, you don’t look at me when you speak, you drink too much, and you manhandled me earlier.”

“That all?” Joel snorted, amused by your distaste.

“You aren’t a gentleman.” You removed your arms from his waist and placed them at your sides.

“I’m not?” Joel was taunting you now, entertained by your outburst.

“You’re not.”

Joel purposefully kicked at the horse’s side, encouraging it to speed up and cross haphazardly over a brush. You bounced, quickly returning your hands to Joel, wrapping them tighter around him this time, and feeling his stomach vibrate as he chuckled.

“Joel!”

“You’re no peach yourself.” Joel brought the horse to a trot once more.

“I’m—what?”

“You ain’t as proper as you act, darlin’. It ain’t hard to tell.”

You spluttered, taken aback by his attack on your virtue. “I hardly know what you mean.”

“I think you do,” Joel brought the horse to a stop, jumping off before reaching out a hand to help you down. “Pretty thing like you in that fancy dress, roughin’ it with three strangers out in th’middle of nowhere.” Joel didn’t wait for you to reach for his hand; instead, he placed his palm on your waist and maneuvered your leg over the side of the horse to let you jump off. “I know you like those card games El taught you. I think you like the idea of letting yourself get a li’l corrupted.” Joel’s eyes were like molasses under the sun, and you averted your gaze, watching his lips move when he spoke instead of trying to make eye contact. The choice only made it worse, pink lips forming his words so precisely that you could practically see his accent. “Where do you think the money came from, sweetheart?”

“I…I can tell you where I hope you got it from…” You felt relief when your feet hit the ground. Joel’s hand didn’t leave your waist, and you looked up at him, realizing that this was the first time you’d seen him smile—all it took was a few insults at his expense, and his own analysis of you.

“Where’s‘at?”

“A bank.”

“Then that’s where it came from.” He abruptly removed his hand from your waist, and you expected to see a bright red print when you looked down at the spot he had been holding; instead, all you saw was the same blue of your dress, a warm, damp feeling on your hip where you could still feel the excess heat from Joel’s skin. “C’mon. We’re walkin’ the rest of the way.”

You followed him, feeling a bit pathetic at the way you ran to match his stride before he could leave you in the dust.

“But that isn’t where it came from, is it?” You pushed, not done riling yourself up, kicking dirt up on the trail as you walked.

“Why’re you so worried ‘bout where it came from?” Joel stuffed more tobacco in his lip without breaking step.

“I’m—it isn’t worry.” And it wasn’t, to an extent: really, you were just curious to unravel the mystery that the Millers had so plainly laid out for you. That, and with the new knowledge that he had a gun strapped to his hip, something gnawed at you to know any shred of truth you could get out of him. “I’m just curious.”

“I couldn’t tell.” Joel didn’t look at you, but he slowed his pace, putting his hands on his hips. “All money comes from banks, darlin’.”

At that, you dropped the subject, understanding that at the present moment you’d get nothing else out of him. “Why do you call me that?”

“Mm?” Joel’s speed increased again.

“You call me darling. But you don’t call El that.”

“Mm.” Joel mumbled again, in assent this time.

“Do you call my aunt that?”

Joel guffawed, “No—Tess’d serve my head on a platter.”

“So why me?”

“Suits you.” Joel looked down at you, and you avoided his gaze, leaving you unable to see the sudden consternation in his face. “Why? Y’don’t like it?”

“I—no, I didn’t say that…”

You rounded a bend, and the house came into view in the distance; it was old. Worn down, but not nearly as much as the old shack the Millers and El called home. It looked sturdy, at least—like it could sustain life, if someone was there to give it a little love. The thought made you think of Joel, and you didn’t know why.

Maybe you did. Just a little.

You were about to ask more questions, try to get more information out of Joel, when he smacked a hand on your stomach, landing with a thud that made you grab at his wrist to steady yourself.

“Joel—!”

“Quiet.” He looked stern, a far cry from the grins and giggles he had shared with you, however hesitantly, on the journey. You followed his line of sight, narrowing your eyes against the glare of the sun, and you could make out three men and their horses.

“Joel…?” You whispered now, hand still grasping at his wrist.

“Get down.” You did as you were told, following Joel’s lead and flattening yourself against the sand and pebbles beneath you. The earth was cold, like it had just rained, and you could hear Joel breathing beside you, his arm coming to rest over your back, shielding you. From what? You were unsure. You tried to crane your neck to see what the men were doing—get a glimpse of the people who surrounded your would-be home, who were clearly making Joel antsy—but the weeds were too tall, and the men were too far away. You could hear small crashes every now and then, ground crunching under boots and hooves, unable to make out any conversation. Joel’s hand was heavy on your back, and you could feel his calloused fingers gently brushing against the fabric of your dress. Whether it was subconscious on his part or not, you couldn’t complain; it felt soothing in the midst of whatever you had stumbled into.

You don’t know how long you lay in the dirt before you heard a whistle, and the sound of horses running too close to you for comfort.

When you peaked your head up again, Joel quickly moved his hand up your back and clapped it on the back of your neck, bringing you down to his level, close enough to see the sweat dripping from his temples. “You stay right here.” He didn’t give you any time to respond with so much as a nod before he was lifting himself off of the ground and grabbing the pistol from his hip, walking slowly toward the house; gun drawn, head down, steps silent. You counted the seconds until you were given a sign that you, too, could remove yourself from the ground.

“S’alright,” Joel called over his shoulder to you, “c’mon down here.”

You caught up to him, wiping what you could of the dirt off of your dress and stretching your limbs after lying idly for so long.

“Can I please have an explanation,” you stomped as you approached him, “as to what that was about?”

“Later,” Joel muttered, “Get inside.”

You meandered towards the entrance to the house, the small wooden door looked as though it might fall off its hinges if you pushed too hard, so you tried to open it with grace despite your frustration. Leaning against the frame, your head fell, neck stiff from your attempts to follow the action from your spot in the weeds, and you spotted a piece of paper in the grass.

You bent down, grabbing the torn paper and dusting it off as best you could. Your heartbeat picked up, and the hot air made you feel suddenly thirsty and dazed. The muscles in your knees tightened.

“What’cha got, darlin’?” Joel made his way to the door, ready to get out of the sun.

You pushed the paper into him, and you’re sure you must have looked an ugly combination of hurt and outrage, glaring at him when you pressed it between his ribs. If he was worried, his face hardly gave it away; the cold look he always wore marred only by a bit of mud and furrowed brows as he delicately slipped the paper from your hands and brought it up to his face.

WANTED:

JOEL and THOMAS MILLER

DEAD or ALIVE

NOTORIOUS ROBBERS of BANKS and TRAINS

$5,000.00 REWARD

CONTACT SHERIFF and RAILWAY AGENCY

Joel smiled at the poster in his hands, tracing the sketches of himself and his brother with his eyes, then moving his gaze down to you. You continued to glare, now feeling unafraid to look him dead in the eye despite what you had just learned.

“Told you, it all comes from a bank.” Joel sounded almost sheepish, but you couldn’t tell if it was because he now knew someone was looking for him, or if it was because of how quickly the ad had turned you against him.

You turned on your heel, and slammed the door in his face, not caring if the hinges broke and the wood splintered out at him.

[cookiesupplier]

Catch You When You Fall - Part Ten

pairing: Nicholas Ruffilo & ofc (Catherine)

warnings/tropes: slow burn, angst, murder, mystery, smut, mentions of speciesism, mentions of violence, trauma, mental health, depression, anxiety, sleep terrors, loss of appetite, (potentially more to come)

summary: A new soul has arrived in the Afterlife. While she appears to adjust just like anyone else might in the new environment of the world of life after death, despite the ordeal she experienced with her death. The question is has she really, and can Nicholas help her without crossing lines that he knows he shouldn't?

Authors Note: Unbeta'd, here we go!

To find the others in the Hell AU Universe: Combined Hell-Verse Masterlist

If you would like to be added to this tag list please see THIS FORM

tags: @missduffsblog @tearfallpixie @spicywhenspeaking @sorrowsofsilence @wild-child-7747

@lacktoesandtoddlerants @blackveilomens @valiantroeagleangel @bngurngheart @collapsedglasshouses

@miamore0570 @emmmm127 @sunsshinesunny @dominuslunae @xxkittenkissesxx

@philomenie @dontdiganothergravetoday @anameunmusical @poisongirl616

Nicholas knew he needed to hit something, he wasn’t a violent person, he wasn’t, truly, but sometimes, everyone had those moments, didn’t they? When they just had to hit something and get that aggression out, or they might just implode a little bit. It was why he could really understand why Ellie took her bat to the more repugnant souls that came through the arrival's office that she worked in with Jolly and Folio. Nicholas couldn’t say he wouldn’t be tempted to deal with a few of the horrifyingly darker souls personally whose files passed over his desk. Still, that wasn’t his job, his job was to assess their souls and hand their physical punishments over to demons such as Noah and his teams in the punishment realms. 

The punishment realms, one of which he was headed to right now, the one that Noah, well, Nicholas didn’t like to say he was in control of it, or lorded over it like some did. Even if in some ways he did both of those things. Nicholas would prefer to consider his work as guided it. Nicholas hoped that they could actually help the souls inside, even if they both would admit, some of the souls in the darkest depths of the realm, might be there for eternity. While punishments weren’t supposed to be about the pain, and torture, it was the lessons, and learning from them, not everyone managed to understand that. People like Folio did, and look at him now, he had flourished in the most wonderful way. He even had moved on to find a relationship in Ishtar, despite what demons like Gavin would say about it. If Folio had had a caseworker under Gavin, he would have encouraged him to reincarnate the moment he had come out of punishment. Nicholas, for one, was more than glad that Folio’s instead had placed him in the arrival’s hall, working with Jolly instead. 

Now, as Nicholas walked into the training ring, Noah was already waiting for him. They didn’t train often, Nick wasn’t into this kind of thing as much as Noah was, but he had insisted lifetimes ago. Wanted to make sure he could defend himself. Safe to say, when Nicholas had heard about Noah’s plan for his first date with Ellie, oh, there was no way he had been surprised. It had seemed like a Noah thing to do, teaching her how to fight, or more importantly, defend herself. He was sure it had been one hell of a first date.

Knowing they were meeting this afternoon, for once, he hadn’t even told him he had to postpone for the stack of paperwork on his desk.

“Wow, something must have gotten to you, I didn’t get one call to tell me you were running late this time.”

Noah looked like he’d already started training when he got there, and knowing him, he probably had, working with some of the other demons no doubt. Nicholas wasn’t about to ask who, he knew that Noah didn’t hold back when it came to pushing those under him, he was a perfectionist. Then again, for all he knew it wasn’t just training. It could well have been him working with souls for the morning on their punishment regimens. Nicholas wasn’t going to ask any more than Noah was going to inquire about the files that had crossed his desk. Poking at each other's work was better off not done, and they both knew it.

Dropping his bag to the side, he reached in and took out the wraps for his hands, Nicholas didn’t use his nearly as much as Noah did, but he had them anyway, for under the gloves.

“Hand-to-hand today then?”

Already starting on wrapping his hands, Nicholas sighed, they’d both had a couple of lifetimes worth of routine, even if Noah was much more adept.

“Oh yeah, I really just need to hit something today, and if it ends up being you, at least then I won’t get reported by you.”

At least Noah laughed at that, that was far better than what Bryce would have done if he’d actually ended up taking a swipe at him earlier this morning.

“Or we can stick to the punching bags, though, I doubt you’d find that as nearly as satisfying. Damn Nick, you usually aren’t nearly this eager to hit first, what's going on? Something happening at work, you’ve been, kind of, off lately?”

Noah asking about work, even in general, he could tell he was worried, otherwise he wouldn’t have touched it. Nicholas was quiet as he wrapped his hands, considering what he should tell Noah, it wasn’t like the discord in his department's office was new. A lot of people knew about it, and Noah was well aware of how demons like Gavin saw things, he was just as disgusted by it as he was. Sighing,

“So, I had a bit of a sit down with Bryce this morning about one of his cases. Bryce, works under Gavin, Lord Gavin.. You know, that one.”

One glance at Noah as Nicholas was starting to pull on his gloves over the basic wrap to protect the knuckles of his hands, and the stare he got back told him he knew exactly who he was talking about. Nicholas was aware that Noah had heard plenty about Gavin’s opinion of Noah’s bonding with Ellie, and he certainly didn’t need to ask him what his brother thought about that, it was obvious. Possibly he wasn’t going to be the only one that wanted to hit something soon. 

“Anyway, the new soul in Hell, Catherine, Cat, the one that works for Ishtar-”

“Oh, Ellie mentioned her the other day. She was absolutely delighted to meet her, couldn’t stop talking about how wonderful she was. Folio apparently thinks she’s great too, he said that he thinks she might be having a bit of a learning curve settling into Hell, but what soul doesn’t right?”

Nicholas must have had a some kind of look on his face, because something about his expression had Noah stopping cold then, staring at him.

“What, what is it, Nicholas, something wrong with her? Is she the case you were talking to Bryce about?”

There went his face again. He had the worst kind of poker face, and he knew it.

“Oh shit, she was, wasn’t she? What’s happened… oh damn if she’s one of Bryce’s that's bad… dammit Nicholas! You should have told me, if Ellie makes friends with her, and she reincarnates, that’ll just break her heart. I mean, shit, it happens to all of us, I know that, it’s bound to happen to her sooner or later.”

Nicholas shook his head before Noah got too far ahead of himself. He wasn’t wrong, though, it did happen to all of them. They met souls that they became friends with that ended up reincarnating, and they had to say goodbye to. It was heartbreaking, most times, in the most wonderful way, seeing a soul growing and reaching such an emotional journey that they were ready for that next step. Cat though, as one of Gavin’s, they both knew that wasn’t likely to be the heartbreak that would happen.

“That wasn’t quite the problem I was worried about, but yeah, it was her case, and yes, even eventually we both know Ellie is going to have to deal with friends reincarnating, you know that. Prepare her for it. Jolly and Folio have both had to say goodbye to friends over the years that have reincarnated.”

It wasn’t easy, getting to know souls that have decided to go back and try again, but at the same time, by the time that they did, there always seemed to be a sense of hope for them. As painful as it was, it wasn’t about an ending, it was about a new beginning. Besides, maybe they’d see them again someday. Just, every last one of them hoped they didn’t see them again too soon, that they lived long happy, and healthy lives out there. 

“Then what was the issue? I’m assuming there was one if you’re upset about it enough to go see Bryce.”

Moving towards the punching bag now, they could try to spar, but neither of them were focused enough, and if they tried, the conversation would just lead to one of them getting hurt, and it wouldn’t go well.

“I went to see her because,”

He was tempted to lie, and just spin the yarn to Noah that he’d told Bryce about just being in the vicinity of her building and accidentally seeing her… but this was Noah…

“I lied about finding her passing out and helping her, but the truth is, after helping her, Ishtar and Ellie the other night, I’ve felt drawn to her. I know I need to stay away from her, she’s one of Bryce’s cases, if I don’t stay away from her, I could blow up my life, my career, I could blow up her life. I know the way Gavin and Bryce treat souls, they’d manipulate her into reincarnation early if they weren’t trying already. And I, I can’t have that, Noah. I don’t- I have never believed in forcing people into reincarnation. The soul needs time to process, and I have the worst feeling she’s going through something, she needs this time… She needs help, and they aren’t going to give it to her because all they see her as is some soul to push through, and…”

He sighed…

“I don’t know what I’m doing, I’ve just met her, I don’t even know her, I don’t know her beyond that she likes flowers, and she-” 

Noah was standing behind the heavy punching bag and putting his shoulder against the back of the swinging rig to give it more heft. He braced it increasingly for Nicholas as his brother started to lay into it with each heavier hit of his fists. Allowing him to let his frustrations out on the bag with each punch of his hands, and gloves. Between each strike of his hands against the weighted boxing bag, the words flowed about the female soul, about how he didn’t understand why he just couldn’t keep his mind off of her. That he knew he should just let it go, he knew she didn’t matter in the grand scheme of the souls in Hell. She wasn’t even his to watch over, what was one soul, but he just couldn’t stop thinking about her. Thinking about things that Folio said, Ellie said, even Ishtar said. 

Noah blinked at the way Nicholas just continued to thrash the punching bag with his fists, he was never usually this focused. 

He had to meet this woman. 

Obviously there was something about her that had his best friend, his brother, tied up in knots. Sure, he was thinking about her like she was just a soul, a case, but that could not be all she was if she had him like this. Not with that furrow on his brow, and the way his hands were slamming into the punching bag, one after the other. No doubt, imagining Bryce, and probably Gavin too. He hadn’t even come in here like this after Noah and Ellie’s bonding announcement, and they’d all heard how Gavin had reacted to it. They’d all felt some kind of way over that, and he knew it. Damn. 

Oh yeah, he had to meet this Cat. Sure, he was always going to with Ellie getting closer to her, there was no doubt there, but he was going to make it happen sooner or later.

“You know what we haven’t done in a while?”

Noah finally spoke when Nicholas seemed to be taking a breather from his semi ranting about Cat, and this strange effect that she was having on him. Raising an eyebrow with a bit of a smile as he looked at his pseudo brother right now.

“A group movie night, pizza, beer, popcorn…”

A heavy sigh escaped Nicholas then, for a moment there he was worried that Noah was going to suggest something completely different. That he could handle, it would actually be great, a perfect kind of distraction from everything. Smiling, Nicholas nodded, maybe he was done for the day, he felt punched out now. Stepping back, he started to pull his gloves off, pulling the strap off that held the wrists on.

“That actually sounds kind of perf-”

“Any new friends that any of us have made recently.”

Only for Noah to go and ruin it before he could even finish agreeing to the plan, before he could even finish taking his gloves off even! Oh, he was going to kill him. Nicholas turned on him with a incredulous stare, he had to be joking, did he want him to lose his job, his position?!

“Are you kidding?! No! Gavin will destroy me.”

Noah just rolled his eyes, and the urge to hit him came right back to Nicholas all over again. The look on Noah’s face though, he could tell he wasn’t listening to him, the smirk as he just nodded yes, at him, yes, they were going to do this. Yes, they were going to have movie night.

“You know what, no, screw Gavin, think about Cat, she’s having enough trouble settling, you’ll be throwing so much at her all at once, just no, no Noah, NO!”

Noah just continued to smile and nod, and Nicholas threw one of his gloves right at his head.

“NO!”

He wasn’t listening.

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

[thewatercolours]

3, 7, 13, 15 for the EOY writer post?

3. Did you achieve everything you wanted to this year?

I was pleased with the number of oneshots I shared, and time I spent investing in my imagination, and the care I put into drafting my multichapter, "Path of Kingship." I certainly had a number of plans that fell through, of course, honestly I'd be a bit bit disappointed with the scope of my plans if I didn't dream bigger than I could actually accomplish!

Some plans that didn't play included properly reviving my dormant original novel, The Brilliant Hour (it's been sitting at roughly 70k for an age, and it's a delicate dance between remaining open to the fact I haven't entirely scrapped it, and preventing it from being a roadblock to other creativity because I can't let it go.) I did a lot of concept work on a new fiction about a high seas-based monastic order and a kidnapped royal, but the timing didn't seem to be right for it. I hoped I would finish "Path of Kingship" before the year was out, but it's still in progress. Well, some of these may still be groundwork for the future, and for those that weren't? Well, I enjoyed them anyhow.

7. What are three songs you put on your WIP-playlist this year?

A song from the Path of Kingship playlist: "Stronger" by Ellie Holcomb. The moment I heard the lyrics I could feel the resonance with Graham's arc from terrified newbie to confident leader.

A song from The Brilliant Hour playlist: Tried to rebuild this playlist from memory. I had an expansive playlist for this novel on Itunes before my account locked me out. I'm sorry to lose all the ones I've forgotten, but some songs are indelibly linked to story, and come to mind immediately. One is "Marrakesh Night Market" by Loreena McKennitt, which had a heavy hand in inspiring the opening chapter.

A song from Anders Solmor's playlist (Saltmarsh - not a traditional wip since it's from my rpg campaign with my brother - but I do so much writing for it and approach it so much like a writing project it counts): This feels ridiculous, and I'll add that I'm not a Swiftie. But I found a string quartet version of "Look What You Made Me Do" that's going to be perfect for Anders once he has his realization. Having a traditional-sounding instrumental version fits the Saltmarsh vibe, but in my head I can hear the words. I'm delighting myself with the double meaning of the refrain lyric if I associate it with Anders. He was made to do so much without even realizing it - and when he finds out that knowledge might make him do something quite different.

13. How did you change as a writer? Did you learn anything new? Started to plan instead of pants? Share your wisdom!

Other than what I've mentioned in another ask - let's see. I continue to fight the good fight to trim back my prose's tendency to indulgence and purple. I don't know if I got any better at it, but I was more ruthless in intention at least! I also found it helped me to consciously decide when a work was something I wanted to polish to the best of my ability vs when it was just a "doodle." I do believe in putting one's best foot forward and developing one's skills, and the works that mean a lot to me deserve to have my best effort. But sometimes it's ok to dash something off as a little connection with the two or three people who read my work, especially the King's Quest stuff, and not agonize over perfection. So I guess, I gave myself permission both to truly throw myself heart and soul into the good stories, and to say, "Ah, it has Graham in it. They'll probably like it" for the doodles. (Is this a sound philosophy? I don't know, but it seems good for me at least in this chapter of my life.)

15.Time for shameless self-promotion! answer with a piece of writing you want others to see/read! (if you have nothing posted/published this year, any other year is fine too ^^)

If you want a tiny taste of my original fiction, or just something really short, here's an excerpt that stands OK on its own: "The Ungentleman." Pseudo-eighteenth century world, mainly focused on a fun dynamic between the two mains desperately imbibing sweets before they commit themselves to a situation where there probably won't be any sweets.

If you want a taste of my fanfiction, "Path of Kingship" stands okay on its own, regardless of whether you know King's Quest. The upshot is that a guy who never expected to be king finds himself on the throne, and tries on different approaches to his new position like boots. Some zaniness but also introspection.

[accio-bagel]

Hi!! How have you been? I'm curious what Ellie thinks of Danny? 😊🫶

Hi Cato and thank you for your patience since this took me quite a while to answer!

Ellie would definitely relate to Danny's childhood trauma, status as an outcast, and finally feeling accepted by found family. She is very selective about who she shares her history with because she carries a lot of misplaced shame from her childhood/adolescence, so she actively hides and covers up her real past while attending Hogwarts. It would take her many years to be able to open up and be honest with people outside her tiny circle of close NPC friends. But her opinion of Danny would be quite positive, even if they don't become very close while at school.

Whereas Danny comes across aloof and serious to avoid showing his emotions, Ellie masks hers with a teasing sense of humor, which can be irritating to some if she seems as though she can't take things seriously and doesn't care (but she does inside!) and sometimes she can take it too far, even if she doesn't mean to be hurtful. She would apologize if she ever hurt Danny.

Intelligence is a trait she has a lot of respect for, and one which Danny clearly has in spades. However, when paired with his interest in detective work, he might be one to catch onto her more criminal activities so he'd be someone she'd distance from if she fears being caught doing something she shouldn't.

That said, I can see them facing off in Crossed Wands and in Quidditch matches with a casual/friendly rivalry. She's highly competitive and hates losing, but respects a win when it's earned. And we've established before that she would prefer to study HoM with her peers rather than listen to Binns, and she wouldn't take the class after 5th year, but I think they'd develop a rapport in their study sessions with Amit.

And finally, they would end up as coworkers when they both return to Hogwarts as professors. By that point Ellie would start being a bit more open with others and learned to accept more people into her life. Then they could form bonds over their backgrounds, shared traits, and similar interests, and have a respectful and friendly working relationship.

I hope this all makes sense and I'm representing her correctly! Danny seems like a truly great guy <3

[venus-is-thinking]

Disventure Camp All Stars Power Ranking (Round 12 - Venus)

Hey everybody! @accirax got me into yet another media! Truly shocking!

Basically, power rankings are a way of guessing who will be next eliminated in the YouTube series, Disventure Camp All Stars (the third season of Disventure Camp). I only just caught up as of last episode, so this is my first time doing the power rankings! If you want, you can look at mine and accirax's as a sort of versus situation; we didn't consult until after we finished writing these.

But, basically, the characters will be ranked from 1 to 9, with 1 being least likely to go home and 9 being most likely to go home. At the end of the next episode, I gain points equal to the ranking of the player eliminated. At the end of the show, you get to see how many points you won.

Anyways, let's jump into it! Unlike accirax, I don't really get a whole lot other than excitement out of the trailers, so I'm gonna be going straight for the ranking and analysis.

1: Grett

Honestly, it kinda surprises me that I'm putting Grett at the very top, but it makes sense to me. After all, I feel like one of the biggest plot arcs going on right now is the tension between Grett and Yul, in which you're obviously supposed to root for Grett and against Yul. Obviously Grett could go out and Gabby could avenge her or something, but... eh.

Even beyond that meta reason, I don't really understand why people would be voting Grett. She's not especially threatening in challenges, nor is she the one running the villains' alliance. The best reason I can think of is the classic Survivor "vote for the least likely target so that they misplay an idol," but like... the villains don't need an idol right now. They have the numbers. They'd only need an idol if they flip someone (likely Gabby flipping to take out Yul, who would actively not want to target Grett) or if the heroes find an idol. It really seems like they aren't putting multiple idols in the game at the same time, so that would guarantee the villains wouldn't have one, meaning that the heroes could have their pick of targets. Why pick Grett in that case?

2: Gabby

Hopefully I am not in danger putting Gabby very high as accirax was last week. I think we're good from a meta level, though.

Gabby has very clearly been considering flipping on the villains and going back to the heroes, both for Grett's sake to get rid of Yul and because Ellie told her to watch her back and not truly trust the villains. Paired with Gabby being friendly with Tom at his elimination, rather than continuing to seek vengeance for Ellie, it really seems like her flipping is in the cards here. And, because the heroes need to get back on top eventually, I think that flip is going to go through successfully, rather than the villains taking her out as a preemptive strike or something.

It's definitely possible that if Gabby doesn't flip this episode, she might receive the heroes' votes again for... unknown reasons. I still don't super understand why they voted for her last time. But, if Gabby doesn't flip, I find it unlikely that the heroes would have the numbers to actually oust a villain, which means Gabby should be safe.

3: Jake

Mr. Plot Armor himself. Welcome back to the high parts of the list.

The thing is, even if Jake's meta armor is arguably wearing thin (he's already got things as resolved as they're probably gonna get for a while with Tom, and he's learning to make up with Aiden quickly), I don't really see the in-game reason for the villains to target him. Like... Jake is annoying and gullible. He causes the most rifts in the heroes' alliance, by far. Even if the villains have the numbers, it's still good to keep someone like that in the game so that, once the villains start looking to turn on each other, you don't have to worry as much about the straggling heroes pulling together the numbers for an uprising.

Also, if I had to guess, Jake is still going to be in the main game at the time of the losers' motel episode. I've been theorizing that that's going to be around final 5 or so; it'll be at a point where everyone who isn't in the very late game can be in it. This is because I think it's going to be a major place to wrap up plot threads/get people ready for the plot threads to be wrapped up in the season finale, so you want to make sure all your viable characters are in place to get their character development.

It's definitely possible that Tom and Jake are going to make up in the losers' motel episode. That would be the most viable reason for Jake to be there, in my opinion. My personal take, though, is that Tom will probably get himself to be really ready to talk to Jake in the losers' motel episode, probably talking to Miriam again or something, and then Jake would pick Tom as his person in the finale, and they could make up there.

In any case, I'd be pretty surprised if Jake went down here, for both in-universe reasons and for meta reasons. He's just at the center of so many plot threads. I think they want to take the time to set up some more, new plot threads before cutting Jake, if they intend to do so.

4: Connor

I'm going to open this by saying that I have no idea what to make of Connor as a character. I never have, and it's quite possible I never will. So, sorry Connor stans, I have NO idea where this man is going.

However! I do know that if they're going to burn their back from the dead slot on Connor, they're planning on him doing... something. Like, literally anything. I guess he did pull the heroes together to vote together last time, but... they didn't actually eliminate a villain to seize the majority. I just feel like if his fate was to rally the heroes, then immediately get kicked out again before reaping any of the benefits, it would feel... weird? Like, he should get at least one victory. He has to talk to Riya, at least, and from the trailer, it doesn't seem like there's a big impending Connor/Riya conversation.

So, I kinda have Connor here strictly for narrative reasons. My biggest hesitation with putting him so high is the part last episode where Riya and Yul talk about how dead Connor is once he doesn't have immunity, which was important enough dialogue that it made the episode trailer. That definitely seems... shady, for Connor's survival odds. But also, it seems like he's kicking Yul's ass in the episode preview, so maybe Connor just wins and that prophecy waits for another day!

5: Alec

This is definitely not just me believing in Alec's viability to survive. This is definitely based on logic and evidence. (<- is an Alec stan)

I was worried about him last episode, but I believed he'd make it out alive, and look! He did! He won immunity! He probably won't win a third one in a row, but I think that last immunity bought him some time.

Now that the villains have the majority, they have to lose it or face an idol in order to lose it. I think an idol would feel kind of cheap here, though; the villains won the tie 5-5 vote twice already. Having them lose that lead AGAIN to an idol, putting the numbers back even at 4-4, is a bit repetitive. I don't really know which of the villains would flip on Alec specifically to take him out, or at least at this point. I could definitely see a late game situation where, Fiore style, Riya flips on Alec to take him out as the biggest threat to win, but for right now, Alec is a useful ally. He's proven repeatedly that he's loyal to the villains alliance and can help out other villains, like how he helped Gabby win the tiebreaker challenge.

I definitely feel like Alec is being set up to be the main villain of the season. That could mean he's the first villain of the post-merge villains' alliance to be defeated, but I think it's much more likely he'll make a deeper run.

6: Riya

I didn't really know where to put Riya. I don't feel like there's a whole lot keeping her in the game, necessarily, but I also don't feel like she's in imminent danger. Six it is, I guess.

Basically, I think if a villain is going to go home this episode, it'll be Yul. He's the one who's had his downfall most specifically set up, and I think the heroes are going to take the advantage by flipping Gabby to take him out. As a result, I feel like the other villains are pretty safe, all things considered. Riya was much more threatened when the heroes could take their shot at anyone on the 50/50. Now that the villains have the advantage, Riya has much more built-in protection.

I'm not sure exactly where Riya is going to place overall. She made a deep run last time, but she also wasn't behaving the same way for most of last game, so they might want her to make a genuine deep run again. Then again, it's not like anyone who's made it this far is having a short run, and I could easily believe they'll call it quits on Riya content sometime soon. Especially given that Riya and Aiden might be talking again this episode-- that's one of the major plot threads with her that still feels unresolved. I guess she should also technically be safe until she talks to Connor, based on my Connor logic?

7: Ally

Let it be known that I struggled with exactly how to rank these last three. I think that any of them could very plausibly be going out this episode.

My big hangup with Ally in both directions is that I feel like she hasn't done much of anything for a while. The most memorable thing she's done in recent memory is talk to Tess during the returnee challenge and yell at Jake in the space challenge. Since her relationship with Jake is kinda being treated as the less important version of Jake and Aiden's, I don't really know where that leaves her. Plus, her most important connections are to people in the losers' motel.

Something that's working against Ally is that I do think she'll be in the losers' motel by the losers' motel episode. Things haven't been resolved between her and Hunter (and Tess. Believe in the polycule), and they pretty clearly indicated that they wanted to wait until after the game to discuss things further. That means this isn't a character relationship struggle that we can realistically solve during the finale challenge; they need to talk this out AFTER the game. Plus, Ally's fixation with how the audience is perceiving her means that it might be interesting to see her get to actually witness the audience's opinions of her, which is only possible from outside of the game.

That being said, none of that means Ally needs to get booted this episode. She easily could, but it's also very possible she's still got more plot to get through.

The biggest thing threatening Ally, imo, is that she's the most generically expendable hero at this point. If the writers want another round of "yeah, the heroes are still losing" and a round where the status quo doesn't really change, Ally is the best boot option. That being said, I feel like we're entering a time period where the writers do want to shake up the status quo, which is why I don't have her at the very bottom.

8: Yul

I thought Yul was 100% going home last episode. Then, I thought he was 100% going home this upcoming episode. Now, I think he's most likely to go home the episode after that.

Yul is very clearly gonna get flipped on and eliminated one of these days. His villainy is too villainous, and much like Alec worried about, if Yul sucks too much, all the villains are gonna have to pay the price for it. We're at 9 now. Why wouldn't Gabby flip now and send Yul home? It's definitely a possibility, and a pretty likely one at that.

The thing is, Gabby taking out Yul for Grett's sake isn't necessarily the whole story. I feel like part of the point with Grett is that she needs to stand up for herself, too. The reason why I like Yul going down at final 8 instead of final 9 is that you'd need Grett to flip, too, to send Yul home. I think it'd leave the game state in a much more interesting place if Gabby and Grett agree to flip to take out Yul, but afterwards, the villains still have a tentative majority if they decide to work together. It makes it much more nuanced than "Gabby flips on Yul and now the heroes have the advantage for the rest of the game."

That being said, it's very possible I'm just overthinking this and Yul's ass is GONE. I'd definitely believe it. Part of me still kinda thinks that's the most likely, even if it's not the verdict I actually ended up going with.

9: Aiden

Sorry king, but you might be slaying too close to the sun.

If I'm right and the Gabby flip doesn't happen this episode, that means a hero is almost certainly going down. I don't think it'll be Jake or Connor, which really left it between Ally and Aiden. My basic logic is that Aiden feels like he has more plot threads wrapping up.

Aiden has been playing for himself for a while now, after his declaration post-James and Lake boots. He was friends with Tom, he's making up with Jake, he's confronting Riya. That's, like, most of what he's got going on this season. It's definitely possible that the reason they're investing more in Jake and Aiden's relationship than Jake and Ally's is because they're going to last longer, but personally, I'm more thinking it's because Aiden is going to get voted off first.

Plus, I feel like he's a pretty good target for the villains. Most people like Aiden and want to work with him, plus he seems like someone who'd be pretty opposed to working with any of the villains under any circumstances. The villains are going to have to choose who to target. If I'm roughly hypothesizing that Connor wins immunity, and Jake is the most likely to cause fractures in the heroes' alliance, that only leaves Ally or Aiden. I think, if I were the villains, I'd be more likely to see Ally as a potential asset and Aiden as a potential threat than the other way around.

Besides, I do think it's possible that they're going to want to use losers' motel episode to get the audience some Jaiden content. We didn't get much in the returnee episode, soooo...

Wrap-Up

Thanks for listening! I'm excited to be able to watch Disventure Camp in real time from here on out, especially given that we're getting new content every week. I'm just gonna put some other half-baked theories at the end here as bonus content because I don't have enough to make a whole post:

I think Jake is the most likely winner pick, but I also think Gabby is a really viable winner. She's going to be a pivotal piece of why the villains took charge when they did, and, I suspect, a pivotal piece of why the heroes were able to fight back. Narratively, that could make her a satisfying winner pick. It would also be a way to potentially get Ellie some of the money without Ellie having to continue to subject herself to the game, which has proven to be bad for her.

I think Derek is going to get offered a promotion-- specifically, taking Emily's place, to an extent. I forget exactly what Emily was supposed to be handling (the confessionals, maybe?), but the fact of the matter is, there should be a non-intern spot opening up in the payroll. This would be a natural but concrete way to continue escalating Derek getting favored over Trevor, which I think is good. Derek and Trevor's plotline is probably supposed to last for most of the season, which means we still need a lot more developments before it can be properly resolved.

Alec will adopt Fiore. Alec WILL adopt Fiore. Alec will--

This isn't a theory, but I do wonder if the fact that Connor hypothetically should still own the losers' motel will be relevant at all ever? That was probably just a one-off joke, but still.

Rambles over! Looking forward to the next episode!