#it took me even longer cause i was unemployed for 6 months and had to use EVERYTHING I HAD SAVED | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

beann-e · 3 years ago

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Bnha Characters reacting to when you quit your job

bakugou

your steps were quiet as you tried to work up the energy to unlock your front door. Your hands sweating and cold when you finally got the energy to put the key in the lock a deep exhale leaving your lips when you finally walked in.

Your Body only carrying you to your kitchen counter before you dropped your keys and bag on the same counter your body now rested against.

The room heating up and shifting from the ice quiet atmosphere youd created when you felt strong arms wrap around your waist and pull you back to meet a hard chest

Small kisses being planted on the side of your neck as you let out another sigh of relief as you spoke trying not to drown in the comfort being given to you “ baby “

Your body shook as you heard a deep grunt of acknowledgment “ we — we need to talk “

you felt as another set of kisses were placed to your neck before his head snuggled into the spot between your neck and shoulder “ I— I think I made a mistake“

You bit at your lip as you kept going “ I— I was trying my best to stick up for myself y’know like you told me”

“ mm—and did you“

“ I did —I mean I did stick up for myself and I had to I needed to bu—”

“ slowly losing interest y/n “

you let out a shallow cough “ but I think I did it at the wrong time “

his body stood up a bit straighter head still remaining in the same place somehow “ baby I —i lost my job “

You felt as your boyfriends body went hard almost as if he was trying not to slam your own body into the floor in anger his grip around your waist only getting tighter “ like I said I — I wrong time“

“ wrong time? — y/n wrong place “ he screamed as he jolted your soul out of your already shaken figure. His head flying back to look at you conveying all the anger and annoyance he held, “ what the fuck do we do now “

you let out a small laugh to try to ease the tension “ we — we rely on your hero check ? “

You watched as he sucked his teeth and moved out of the kitchen “ I can barely feed a fucking roach with my salary y/n “ his voice getting louder as he walked into the living room you following closely behind “ i — i can barely feed you — us — y/n this is why we don’t have little crumb snatchers running around now “

his voice deep and heavy “ cause we’re broke do you get that babe ? huh no — fuck — you— fuck fuck fuck you gotta go back — you can’t just be chilling around the fucking house while i’m working my ass off that’s not how starting a family works y/n “

“ baby it’s just until I can get a new job “

“ tch— and how long will that take y/n “

“ well I— “

“ huh months ? “

“ well n— “

“ couple weeks “

“ I mean hopefull— “

“ babe you don’t even fucking know “ he sighed as he griped the skin on the bridge of his nose “ so fucking stupid — so so so fucking stupid “

the room went quiet as your eyes dropped to the ground. “ wel— no — I — I don’t know kats” you shook your head “ I— I really don’t“

“ and that’s the problem y/n “ he screamed eyes finally opening to look at you.

God, he loved you but seriously you just didn’t think sometimes

It’s not that he was calling you stupid it’s just that he really really loved you

He loved that you listened to him. That whenever he gave advice you heard it and went with it.

The night he told you to speak up he was honestly just fucking with you. He always forgets that he has someone who loves him now meaning he’s taken seriously. He always forgets he’s not in high school anymore.

He can’t say something crazy and asshole—ish and expect to just be ignored. He has someone that loves him and will truly listen.

Your not the stupid one

nor the one in the wrong he is

and he knows he is because he heard everything you said about your situation. Yet, he knew you were different from him whereas he had been speaking his mind for years regardless of ranks.

You couldn’t.

You had a job where everything relied on ranks and status. You couldn’t just say whatever the fuck you wanted to like he could and yet he convinced you that night to speak up whenever your boss gave you extra work you didn’t wanna do.

His eyes felt heavy and so did his body his brain automatically beating himself up as he stared at you imagining the rough day youd had. If he was pissed off with the current situation he could only imagine how you felt.

Someone who hated to rely on others yet, now having to rely on their boyfriend.

“ come here “ your eyes lit up at the statement as your tired body wobbled over and into bakugous arms. Head hitting his chest as he crushed you “ I love you and i’m proud of you “

your heart sank.

“ fuck those idiots you only have room for one anyways and hes— fuck trust me I know i’m enough “

Shoto

“ so “

You sat on the couch legs splayed out in front of you and hands playing with the tassels of the pillows placed next to you.

God you loved these pillows. You actually remember the day you bought them.

Y’know back when you had money

“ y/n “ you watched as shoto shifted uncomfortably on the couch next to you “ my love what are you doing home “

He shook his head confused at the body placed comfortably next to his own “ your not supposed to be home for “ he looked down at his watch moving his suit jacket up his arm to create space and to make sure he was seeing the time correctly “ for 7 more hours “

you let out a short laugh “ you sound like you just got caught cheating sho “

his eyebrows crinkled together as he stared at you in disgust “ y/n I would never “

His hand moved to be placed on your thigh “my love is that what you think ? — if that’s why your here then I can assure you tha—I mean honestly if so I would never be stupid enough to disrespect you in our home— you could’ve went to my office at least I mea— “

“ I lost my job shoto “

The air shifted as the hand on your thigh suddenly felt colder than before “ I— I lost my job “

you took a deep breath shaking your head “ it’s a long story on why but i’ve been leaving the house — pretending really— to go to work “

You chuckled “ god i’m sucha bad person “ your small chuckle turned into a hearty laugh as you felt your body go slack “ A fucking horrible timekeeper too if I managed to forget my husband gets off before me on weekends “

“ do not say these things about yourself “

“ it’s not like it’s a lie “ your tear filled eyes coming up to look at his. ” right “

“ I will not stand for this y/n “

“ for what — having an unemployed s/o—i mean you already have one so not much to do about that “

you scoffed “ why don’t you want a housewife ? huh“ you smiled “ I can wear the skirts for you y’know with the aprons cook you dinner and maybe we can have kids y’know we can even get —“

“ enough “

your body shook your eyes widened facing the 6 ft male now towering over you “ your always joking about serious things and I — I don’t understand “ his eyebrows creasing in desperate need to understand you. Eyes darting around your face “ how “

his voice going deeper as he got angrier “ y/n you lost your job“ his eyes grew wide “ do you realize how serious this is “

“ wh— “ you shook your head letting out a short scoff “ of course I do —I mean sho i’m the one who qui—lost it “

“ no you clearly don’t “ he scoffed “ not if your sitting here making jokes in my face “

His mouth quirked up in disgust “ it’s almost insulting — disgusting really “

“ wh— sho—“ you felt as a tear fell from your eye “ baby what could be so disgusting huh ? so ‘ insulting ‘ about me choosing to leave huh “

his eyes softened “ because of your reason to leave “

“ my reason ? “

“ my love I know you — I know you didn’t get fired and I know you wouldn’t just leave you loved it there “

your head dropped as your fiddled with your fingers “ so that means something led you to make that life changing decision and it hurts me that you were forced to make it “

Your heart broke, he was right he was always right, for days at work youd been dealing with an overbearing co worker who would tell you to do everything they didn’t feel like doing and when you finally decided to say no to them

They went and told your boss. Who even though you’d been working there longer than your so called coworker still believed everything they were told.

That was the day that you sadly found out your job favored years over hard work.

Due to the other person being there longer you were trumped in telling your story. It was seen as not necessary because , someone who was there for so long would have no reason to lie on someone like you.

A newbie

“ someone made you quit this job “

“ sho no they— I decided “

You felt as the couch shifted from him kicking it. You thinking he was moving to grab his shoes except walking past them and unlocking the door instead.

“ baby where are you going — we need to talk about how we’re going to split the bills now that i— “

“ i’ll handle it “

“ shoto you can’t put everything on your dads card we’re not “ you let out a soft exhale “ we’re not children anymore “

“ i’ll pay for it all myself — and you can be my little housewife “ he scoffed as your expression grew sour “ it was so funny a moment ago right “

“ shoto i’m not gonna ask again where are you going “

“ where else “

your eyebrows came together in a furrow “ wh— “

“ my love you work for my company ? obviously who ever I put in charge “ he shrugged walking barefoot to his car unlocking the door “ isn’t doing a very good job if they fire their bosses s/o ? “

He got into the drivers seat as he turned the car on and reversed the car “ needs to learn respect no ? so i’ll just have them switch places with you“ he smiled softly “ i’ll see you when I get home “

His once furious eyes turning soft at your body hidden in pajamas “ go inside baby —it’s cold —go order us some takeout i’ll be back in a little ok “

“ sho “

“ just let me handle this —i love you and i’ll be right back my love—go “

You shook your head softly “ go y/n “

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jackalopefreckles · 4 years ago

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I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

#TIRED #happy covid anniversary #time to post this without reading it lmao #long post #rambles

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animeniacss · 4 years ago

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A Palette of Emotions - Artist!Taehyung x Teacher!Reader - Chapter 8 - Invitations and Standing Ovations

Synopsis: Taehyung dreams of being a professional and famous artist one day, but finds that the sea of creativity can be lurking with blood hungry sharks, as well as bland, motionless starfish. Swimming through the sea of opportunities somehow washed him up onto the shore of Bright Star Preschool, as an art teacher. This wasn’t where he expected to be 4 years into his career, but anything to get his big break though, right?

Feat. BTS, TXT, ITZY, Jisoo (BlackPink), Taeyong (NCT)

Genre: Romance, Slow Burn, Love Triangle, Drama, School Setting, Working!AU

Length: approx. 4.6k words

Chapter 8 - Invitations and Standing Ovations

Taehyung stared at Jimin for what felt like forever. He wasn’t sure what to say in response to his friend, who just sat there with a wide grin on his face. Taehyung had to try to process it, but he couldn’t. With a shake of his head, he took Jimin’s shoulders.

“What did you say?” He asked curiously.

“I said that I was able to get you a vendor permit for the Annual Ilsan Art Fair at the end of the month,” Jimin repeated, chuckling. Taehyung blinked. “I saw you watching the news last night at the bar, and it took almost all of my strength not to say anything then. I was waiting for the right moment.” Taehyung blinked. “Does that help your hangover?”

“What hangover?! I can focus on a hangover; I need to start preparing and deciding which of my pieces I am going to bring.” Taehyung practically leaped out of his seat, only to see his vision go black momentarily. His fast-paced movements along with his headache caused him to lose balance for a moment, and he stumbled back on the couch. Jimin couldn’t help back laugh. “Fuck…” Taehyung huffed.

“Don’t worry, you have more than enough time to focus on all of that.” He said. “And don’t get too overzealous, I was only able to snag you a smaller part of the venue. “

“Any place is fine with me. That means that even more people are going to see my work and maybe I can finally start selling stuff and…you know, making a name for myself.” Jimin watched as Taehyung leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he stared at his walls that were still covered in his paintings. He sipped his ginger ale. “How did you even manage it?”

“Well, Mr. Kim had a business meeting with one of the men who appraises some of the art. I managed to catch him as he was walking out, we got on the same elevator, and we started talking. He talked about the show and I brought you up. He gave me all of the information and even waived our vending fee for me.” He grinned. “He was so nice; older guy. Nothing like your best friend, Mr. Oh Min-Jae.” Taehyung rolled his eyes as the mere mention of that man’s name. However, honestly, he could care less. Taehyung quickly embraced Jimin in a tight hug, which stunned an unexpecting Jimin for a moment. However, he almost immediately hugged him back.

“Thank you so much, this is crazy.”

“Of course. What kind of manager would I be if I didn’t try to support you however I could by totally taking advantage of my position at work?” The duo laughed, and Taehyung pulled from the hug, laying his head on the back of the couch. Jimin did the same thing, grabbing his ginger ale to drink. The duo sat in silence for a moment, before Jimin rolled his head over to look at his friend. “…What are you thinking about now?” he asked curiously.

“I want to invite my coworkers to come and see me.” He said.

“That’s a good idea,” Jimin said.

“I know my Hyung’s will all come, but-.”

“But you don’t think the teacher will, right?” Jimin asked curiously. Taehyung nodded.

“I want her to see my real work and how serious and professional I can be.”

“Just ask anyway. The worst thing that she can say is she can’t come.” Taehyung pouted a bit. “Or maybe ask one of the others to invite her along, if you think that she’ll say yes that way.” Taehyung nodded. “As I said though, don’t worry too much right now because you should probably go inside and sleep so that you can function at work tomorrow.”

“Ugh, I hate when you’re right.”

“I don’t,” Jimin said smugly as he finally lifted himself from the couch. Taehyung got up as well, carefully this time, and set his now empty ginger ale can on the coffee table. “I’ll see you this weekend, alright?” Jimin hummed as he gave his friend a supportive pat on the back. Taehyung nodded.

“Right, see you then,” Taehyung said. He walked Jimin to the door, the duo sharing a final goodbye before Jimin took his leave, and Taehyung shut the door, clicking the lock shut. He stood there for a moment, silently waiting for something to happen on the other side of the door. When he didn’t hear the sound of footprints, he slowly unlocked and opened the door. Upon opening it, Taehyung saw Jimin still standing at his front door, crossing his arms. A sheepishly adorable boxy smile appeared on Taehyung’s face as he stared at his short, unamused friend.

“…Go to sleep. Do not stay up working or you’ll feel worse tomorrow than you do now.” Taehyung groaned.

“But-.”

“Tae.” Jimin huffed, pouting Taehyung groaned.

“Fiiiiiine.” He said. Jimin nodded, finally turning on his heel and heading down the hallway to the elevator at the end. Halfway down the hall, Taehyung waved him off and finally closed the front door. Almost immediately, as if he didn’t hear a word his friend said, Taehyung turned back to his work desk and the paintings that surrounded the top and bottom of it. He huffed. “There’s no way I can sleep now.” He mumbled to himself, walking towards the work desk. He plopped himself down and began shuffling through some recent doodles he had been doing. “I need to get some work done.”

As Taehyung began to skim and doodle, he found himself extremely lost in thought. He was so focused on making sure that he had something new and exciting ready for the end of the month. He was so busy in thought that he had blocked out the rest of the world as soon as he sat himself down in that seat. It was a trait that caused many nights where he would stay up to meet the sun. However, back then, he was unemployed or working part-time, and could afford to go to sleep at his desk for ten hours at a time. This was no longer the case. And Jimin knew that as well, probably even better than Taehyung did.

Taehyung was so focused, he didn’t hear the click of his front door or the slow creaking of it opening up behind him. He didn’t hear footsteps step into the front entrance or the door close behind him. However, he did hear a loud, and extremely annoyed-.

“BEDTIME, KIM TAEHYUNG!” The high-pitched voice startled Taehyung right out of his seat, and he practically darted to his room like a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Jimin watched him scurry to his room with his tail between his legs, and he huffed, quickly following after him. “I swear to God, I’ll burn your vendors permit if I find out you fucking stayed up all night.”

“Okay, Mom,” Taehyung shouted from under the covers of his bed. Jimin sighed, crossing his arms. “Telling me about the biggest opportunity of my career is going to keep me up anyways, you know.”

“Yeah, you said that about the last art show I managed to get you into,” Jimin said. “You’ll thank me when you wake up tomorrow with no bags under your eyes.” Taehyung snorted.

“That’s funny. Those bastards live under there now, rent-free and I can’t kick them out because each one has two kids.” Jimin chuckled a bit.

“Goodnight, Tae,” Jimin said. Taehyung only groaned, keeping his head under his pillow as he heard his friend make his exit and close the front door behind him. Once Taehyung was alone, he poked his head out from the covers and stared up at the ceiling. He wanted to get up, he wanted to get up so bad and start to work, his fingers were itchy and eager to draw or paint or something. He gripped the sheets, however, because he knew Jimin was right. He needed to sleep and get ready for the next day. He couldn’t have another mess up like he did today. Not if he could help it.

--------------------------------------

Taehyung found himself scratching his head as he headed into the building early the next morning. He couldn’t stop thinking about the night before. He was so excited, then anxious, then excited again that he had to get up and pace the room a few times when sleep wouldn’t overtake his body. When the sun came up, he managed to squeeze in about 6 hours of sleep, which when paired with two cups of coffee, was perfect for him. Taehyung put his hands in his pockets as he headed down the hallway, passing Seokjin’s office. As he passed by, he heard voices talking inside. As he got closer, he could hear the voices even clearer. And neither of them seemed happy.

Inside, you were pacing Seokjin’s desk, hands behind your back. Seokjin was sitting at his desk, eyebrow raised in confusion as he watched you.

“Will you stop pacing?” Seokjin asked. “How about you finally tell me what’s on your mind instead of rambling to yourself.” When you finally stopped, you turned to him.

“Do you think your lecture yesterday got to him?” You asked curiously. Seokjin groaned, his head lolling back in his chair to stare up at the ceiling. “Sir, I’m just asking-.”

“I know it did. He looked upset. Now can you stop with all childish behavior please?” Seokjin sounded extremely annoyed. You blinked, the sound of the more annoyed President Kim making its way into the room over the jovial and upbeat Kim Seokjin. You stopped pacing and turned to him. “Seriously, it’s getting old and I’m getting frustrated.”

“N-no, listen. I’m not trying to give him a hard time here-.”

“Yes, you are,” Seokjin said simply. Taehyung blinked, now finding himself pressed up against the door to get a better listen. “It’s enough now. I spoke to him; he knows what is expected from him and now you need to stop.”

“But President-.” You tried to continue but Seokjin stood up. He was much taller than you now, and as you tilted your head up to look at him, you could see how annoyed he was, the fire burning in his eyes. That scary demeanor only made him seem ten times taller, and you a million times smaller. It sent a shiver up your spine.

“I swear to God if you keep this up, I will send you home and have Hoseok run the class himself. You’re not doing any favors to yourself or the kids by acting this way.” Your heart immediately sank into your chest.

Inside, you had your arms crossed and your eyes cast down to the floor, chewing the inside of your lip. Seokjin groaned and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, that was too far.” He said.

“You’re probably right though.” You said softly. “I just want to make sure that the kids are safe no matter what. It’s nothing against him.”

“It seems that way,” Seokjin said. “You were in there; did anything looks out of place yesterday other than him looking a bit tired?”

“No.” You said.

“The kids are fine. If it happens again, it’s for me to worry about, not you. But I trust that it won’t.” Seokjin walked over to you, placing a hand in your hair. “You feel this upset about his hiring?” You shook your head.

“No, not anymore. I know the kids like him and I know in my soul that him working here eases my workload a bit and I should be happy but I don’t know. I want to do it all; I’d teach the physical education if I was athletic at all.” Seokjin laughed a bit. “I can’t describe it.”

“But that’s not Taehyung’s fault.”

“I know.” You admitted. Seokjin grinned a bit.

“So, what do we say when we know we do something wrong?” Seokjin hummed, a mocking tone in his voice. You grimaced as he began to laugh once more, feeling even worse hearing this being said to you instead of saying it to a misbehaving child. You pouted.

“President, please-.”

“What do we do~?” he repeated. You groaned.

“Say sorry.” You mumbled, huffing. Seokjin laughed once again, and you couldn’t help but grin a bit too.

“Then shall we? He must be here by now.” Seokjin spun you around and began leading you towards the door.

The sound of footsteps heading towards the door made Taehyung’s eyes widen. He didn’t want to be caught eavesdropping! His eyes scanned the left, right, and even the ceiling, hoping that a magical hiding spot would appear. However, just as he was about to hide, the door opened and he saw Seokjin and you walk into the hall. He stood at attention; eyes cast to the floor.

“Uh…Good morning…” he said after a long silence rang through the hallway. When he looked up, he saw Seokjin grinning ear to ear.

“Good morning, Taehyung. Do you feel better?”

“Yes. It won’t happen again.” He quickly assured. Seokjin nodded his head. Suddenly, he patted your shoulders quickly, and your eyes shot up from the floor as well, coming in direct contact with Taehyung. You felt your stomach do a flip.

This must be what the kids feel like when I do this whole speech to them. You thought to yourself.

“She has something to say to you,” Seokjin said. Taehyung looked at you, and you forced out a deep breath, crossing your arms. Taehyung put his hands in his pockets as you stayed silent. However, after a slight shake of your shoulders, and the sound of Seokjin’s annoyed voice behind you uttering your name, you huffed. Your heart was pounding

“I’m sorry, okay?” you said. “I shouldn’t take my insecure anger out on you and it was rude and unprofessional….” Taehyung blinked a bit. Unprofessional, hm? It hit Taehyung differently hearing the word directed towards someone else. Taehyung nodded his head after a moment when he realized you had stopped.

“Oh, uh-.” Taehyung stuffed his hands in his pockets, pursing his lips as he tried to think of what to respond with. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I just want us to work…you know…well. So, let’s just have a clean slate?” Pulling one of his hands out of his pocket, he stuck it in your direction. You looked down at it, before glancing back up at him. You huffed, smiling a bit as you stuck your hand out and shook it firmly. Taehyung grinned a bit, and you noticed for the first time how boxy and warm his smile was. Just as you took a moment to admire it, a voice was heard behind you.

“I didn’t buy it, should I have you do a deep bow to him and apologize that way?” Seokjin asked. You immediately turned in the direction of your grinning President, who began laughing as you playfully punched him in the shoulder. “Ow!” He gasped as he continued to laugh.

“Would you stop causing trouble at every turn?” You asked, pouting. Taehyung blinked, unable to hold back an amused chuckle. You looked over at him, a pout still stuck on your face, along with a few tints of blush. “What’s so funny?!”

“….I would really accept your apology if you do a deep bow,” Taehyung added. You huffed.

“I’m going to my classroom.” You said, storming away as the boys continued to chuckle behind you. Suddenly, Taehyung stopped laughing, eyes wide as he remembered what he was planning to stop them about in the first place.

“Ah, w-wait a second.” Taehyung began, turning in your direction.

“NO! I don’t want to hear it, bullies.” You huffed, closing your door with a playful force that shook some of the wall posters nearby. Seokjin snickered as he saw Taehyung push his lips together in annoyance.

“What did you have to tell her?” Seokjin asked curiously. Taehyung looked over at his boss, before sighing.

“Well…” Taehyung pushed his fingers together. “My manager got me a vendor’s permit at the Ilsan Arts Festival this month.” He began. “And well…I wanted to ask if you guys were able to come and see me….” Taehyung waited for a response. He had never really asked anyone to see his work at a show before, as a lot of them were smaller and pretty intimate, only containing the managers, a few family members, and some art critics. Occasionally, the public would come, but in small droves due to low capacity. However, this was now a huge art festival that could hold tons of people. And he wanted his coworkers to be there. For a moment, there was no response from Seokjin, and Taehyung got a bit discouraged. He most likely has plans. Taehyung thought to himself. Taehyung looked at him. “I was going to ask her, and Hobi-Hyung and Yoongi-Hyung too…” Taehyung added.

“Hmm, you’re going to show your art?” Seokjin asked. Taehyung nodded. “…Consider us all there, then.” Taehyung blinked.

“Really?” Taehyung asked, eyes lighting up in excitement. Seokjin nodded.

“I think it’s a great way to promote comradery between everyone here once and for all.” Seokjin clapped his hands together. “I’ll call Yoongi, you tell Hoseok when he gets here.” Taehyung nodded and Seokjin patted his shoulders, a grin on his face. “This is exciting. I finally get to see your work in person.” Taehyung nodded.

“Y-yeah. I’m excited too.” He admitted. “It’s one of the biggest art shows I’ve gotten to show my work at.” Seokjin nodded.

“We’ll talk more later, so get ready for the day.” Taehyung nodded as the duo parted ways. As he passed your room, he peeked into one of the windows beside the door. He could barely see inside from behind the construction paper rocket ship on the door, or the multitude of big stars and a moon on the wall. He had to poke his head in the ‘O’ of the phrase “Lift Off to Pre-School!” that was plastered on top, and he accidentally knocked down a cut-out astronaut with Lia’s name written on it, which he had to sneakily put back in its place. However, when he finally got a good look, he saw you standing by the board. Your back was toward the door, a marker in your hand as you began writing and drawing on the board. Taehyung couldn’t see the entire thing, since your body covered most of it. However, when you looked to your right, he saw the profile of your face and pursed his lips. The look of absolute focus on your face was a vast contrast to the puffy cheeked, childish pout that was on your face only minutes before. He couldn’t stop staring as you tugged your hair into a scrunchie ponytail, before walking over to one of the cabinets and opening it, now completely hiding from his view behind the door, only your feet poking out. Taehyung, realizing he should probably step back, went to do so, when he heard a high-pitched voice.

“Your classroom is down the hall, Taehyungieeee~.” The voice made Taehyung jump, and he spun around to see Hoseok, standing behind him with a grin. “Are you spying?”

“Yes! I mean no.” Taehyung said quickly, cheeks flushed. Hoseok immediately covered his mouth to stifle a laugh. “…I just wanted to see what she was doing. I wanted to ask her a question but-.”

“She’s probably lost in thought right now, there’s almost no getting to her while she’s in prep mode,” Hoseok assured. “Want me to pass a message along?” Taehyung looked back into the room for a moment, seeing you close the closet and walk over to one of the desks, squatting down to its level and spreading out materials.

“Well, I have an art show at the end of the month, and I want everyone to come and see my work,” Taehyung said simply. “She just apologized to me for the ways she’s acting, but Seokjin-Hyung kind of forced her so I don’t know if we made up or not, and I don’t want to be a bother.” Hoseok sighed a bit, fixing his bag.

“I’ll tell her. She’ll come if I force her.” Taehyung looked at his Hyung, who was now smiling with a finger pressed against one of his dimples.

“I guess she can’t say no to that face, huh?” Taehyung mumbled, amused a bit by his childish Hyung. Hoseok laughed a bit.

“You’d be surprised, but I can be pretty convincing when I want to be.” Hoseok patted Taehyung’s back. “I’ll suggest it. See you later.” He grinned. Taehyung nodded, finally heading to his room as Hoseok entered the classroom. He took another glance into the classroom, watching as Hoseok approached you, a spring in his step. When you turned to face him, Taehyung took that as his time to leave and make his way to his classroom. As he sat down at his desk, his eyes scanned the walls, the off-white paint slowly being covered up in all directions by scattered collections of the student’s dried artwork. All he could see as he scanned the room was his childhood bedroom, which looked extremely familiar visually. Scribbles and sketches covered all of his carefully placed wallpaper, crumpled up paper took up more of the floor than any number of toys ever could. He felt as if he was eight years old again, kicking his legs at the desk in his room as he continued to draw on a sheet of slightly crumpled printer paper. He could even hear the footsteps of his mother approach him from the door.

“Taehyung, have you even finished your homework?” She asked. Taehyung looked up, his pencil gripped tightly in his hands.

“No.” He said, much to his mother’s disdain. “But I don’t need homework, Mom. I’m going to be a great artist one day, just like Vincent Van Gogh!” A deep, frustrated groan escaped his mother’s lips as she hit him over the head just slightly, making the boy pout. “Ow!”

“Enough with that nonsense. No son of mine is going to struggle his way through life. Art is a fine hobby, but be practical.” Taehyung watched his mother yank the paper from in front of him, crumpling it up in her hands. “Now get your homework done, and don’t even think about coming out of this room until it’s all finished.” She demanded. Taehyung watched her storm out, slamming the door and ending the conversation right then and there.

Taehyung’s memory was pulled away by the sound of his phone vibrating. When he looked over, he saw Jimin’s face showing up on it. Quickly he answered it.

“Uh, hello?”

“Hello, future Van Gogh~.” Jimin cooed happily. “Just calling to tell you that I found out exactly where our vendor spot is going to be for the festival. I sent it to you over text but was shocked to not receive a reply right away. Are you working on lessons or something?”

“Oh uh, no,” Taehyung assured. “I just kind of zoned out. Took a trip down memory lane, I guess…” Jimin hummed. “I’ll check the text message right now, though. Thanks.”

“So, what’s the status with your coworkers?” He asked curiously.

“Well, President Seokjin said he can get everyone to come, but Hoseok-Hyung is going to sweeten the pot for her to say yes,” Taehyung said. “So…yeah.” Jimin grinned.

“That’s great.” He said. “Okay, well if you’re not dead, I need to get back to work before Namjoon finds me and beats me up for sneaking off. I’m supposed to be getting him important documents.”

“Enjoy…” Taehyung said. Jimin laughed a bit, saying his goodbyes before the two of them hung up. Taehyung set his phone down and looked at the desks before him. The materials for the day needed to be pulled out, and Taehyung needed to get an example or two prepared for the children to use as a guide for the craft. He stood up, cracking his back as he strolled over to the cabinet, pulling out a bunch of dollar store mirrors and setting them down. He also collected a stack of paper and a box of markers and crayons. He had planned to have the students pair up and draw each other. His example was done, not forcibly of course, with Jimin before today. He was curious to see what such young minds could see when doing this, and how they were able to put that into a visual art on paper. It was bound to have a few laughs. Taehyung looked up at the clock, knowing that he had more than enough time, and he could probably go outside and greet the kids with you and Hoseok, so that was exactly what he planned to do. Strolling out of his room, he saw you and Hoseok already heading down the hall towards the door, talking to one another. As he watched you, he glanced back inside of his class, seeing the two weeks’ worth of artwork that scattered his walls. As he stared now, he was no longer being brought to the past, but instead was being shown the future. The pictures on the walls morphed from cute and amateur children’s work to abstract, stunning canvases of magnificent artwork. Taehyung could recognize some of the portraits as his own, but some he couldn’t recognize visually, but he could identify them deep in his soul as if they were his, he just didn’t know it yet. He could see the vendor spot perfectly in his mind, though he had no idea what it looked like for real. All he knew was that every day that passed, every hour that passed, every minute that passed, he was closer to it. As he closed the door, he hurried towards his coworkers, hoping to catch up with them in time.

He just couldn’t wait for it.

“Hey, guys.” He said when he approached. You and Hoseok turned your heads, only Hoseok offering a smile to Taehyung. “I wanted to come to say good morning to the kids today.”

“…Okay.” You said simply, turning back around. “Hoseok told me you’re showing art at the Ilsan Art Festival this month.” You said simply. Taehyung nodded.

“Uh yeah.” He glanced in Hoseok’s direction, who offered his friend a smile and a thumbs up. “My manager got me the spot through work. I was hoping you guys could come and see my real art.”

“What? Do your paper plate goldfish with glitter not count as real art?” You teased, smirking. When you didn’t get a reply, you turned over your shoulder to see Taehyung, and Hoseok did not look amused. “…What? I was joking.” You had to clarify, though it didn’t seem to help. You sighed.

“Anyway, are you coming? President Kim said everyone was going to, but-.”

“I uh, I mean I guess.” You looked over at him once again. “The way I’ve treated you…and you still want me to come?” Taehyung nodded.

“Well, yeah of course.” He said simply, putting his hands in his pockets. “I want you all to see my art. Besides, I think we’ve already realized as a group that I’m the nicer coworker out of us.” Hoseok snickered as your eyes widened. Taehyung couldn’t help but grin his little boxy grin. “What? I was joking.” Now, Hoseok began to laugh, and you turned to him.

“Oh, but you laugh at that!?” You asked, which only made Hoseok laugh harder. “It’s not funny!” Taehyung watched you shove Hoseok, and despite the annoyance etched on your face, a smile found its way on there as well. Taehyung smiled as he stared at the scene before him, and he could only imagine one thing.

He could only imagine how stunning your face would look sketched out on a beautiful, white canvas.

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infjabberwocky · 4 years ago

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imagine if she was on something...

ARCHIVE FROM SEPTEMBER 8, 2019

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since.

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years. There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time. I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return.

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

#INFJ VIRGO

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candaceperry81 · 5 years ago

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Fast Day 1: Why I’m Fasting

To understand why I’m fasting (and now writing a blog about it), it probably makes the most sense to start with how this blog came to be. I originally started it in 2014. There’s still posts from back then here, but I’ve hidden the rest because they were more raw than this one & it’s time for a fresh start. Apparently, 6 years ago I was going through the same thing I’m going through now: Depressed because I was broke, lonely, & single. Since then, there’s been some ups, but mostly a bunch of downs.

The depression started around age 10, but I’d say it got serious around 2006 when I graduated from college & found myself without a group of friends to hang out with on a regular basis, we’re talking I didn’t even have people to hang out with once a month. In 2008 it worsened because I was unemployed. I then went in & out of work for years, not reaching financial stability until late 2019. All those years of working my butt off to climb out of financial ruin took a toll on my social life & I found myself in depression again last year due to the social isolation.

Some years ago, I think around 2008 or 2009, I remember walking into Sanctuary Church in Savannah, depressed because I had been single for so many years. A girl walked up not knowing anything about how I was feeling in that moment about my singleness & said God had told her to walk over & share that He wanted me to start praying for my husband. I never really did until many years later, mostly because I was afraid that if I prayed & God didn’t provide, my spirit would be irreparably crushed.

Instead of praying, I did everything else I could think of to change my relationship status. I went on hundreds of one-on-one dates & several speed dates. I tried both paid & free dating sites. I hired a dating coach, a matchmaking company, & a company that will message people for you. I spent literally thousands of dollars in 2019, even though I knew deep down I was wasting my time & money because I’m looking for a needle in a haystack.

I DID finally begin praying for a husband at some point, I think around 2015. But my prayers haven’t been consistent & I’ve definitely never fasted because I’ve felt weird about it. No one talks about praying for a spouse and when you say you are, people look at you funny. But why shouldn’t we pray for a spouse? We pray for everything else, and who you marry is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.

Over the last few months my depression has grown to the point I started having suicidal thoughts again. Though I’ve had depression since childhood, it’s been years since I’ve been that down. I think they’re this strong now because I’m just plain tired. I’m tired of tired of finding a sliver of hope only for it to be crushed again. It’s just been too many years of fighting this battle.

I know many would say, “You’ll only be happy with God, focus on that” or, “You need to get healthy before you look for a spouse.” I agree to an extent; part of why I’m here is because I tried to do this on my own. However, these same hyper-Spiritual people need to also look at these verses:

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18

If Scripture is what we’re to follow, there are no verses that say, “It’s good to be alone & Jesus is all you need,” in fact, the Bible says the opposite, and based on what I’ve read on social media regarding this coronavirus self-isolation period, most people can’t even handle 2 weeks of it. Multiply that feeling times 20, and you have a small picture of what it’s like to be me because I’ve lived like this for most of my life. Some of it’s because it’s very hard to find people who treat others the way they want to be treated, the other part is because my BPD causes me to overreact when I’m mistreated.

Currently, I’m only about 70% sure Jesus/Christianity is real. So this fast might be a total waste of time. But in a last ditch effort to find answers & get out of this cycle hopefully for good, I decided this morning to go on what I’m calling a fast/hunger strike (because I’m a little angry at God for allowing me to be isolated this long).

When I logged onto Instagram this morning, I saw this verse on someone’s story & it confirmed this decision:

"But Jesus took him by the hand, and lifted him up; and he arose. And when he had came into the house, his disciples asked him privately, why could we not cast him out? And He said unto them, This kind can only come forth by prayer & fasting." -Mark 9:27-29

After I closed my accounts down, I got online to watch my church’s sermon for today & it confirmed this decision too:

youtube

The verses that really stood out to me in that message were these:

“Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down form heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” John 6:57-58

My soul has been spiritually hungry for awhile as my faith has gone up & down when everything else went up & down. If Scripture is real, then this is why my life has been so full of death, because I gave up on Scripture.

As far as what to do during this fast goes, these were also in that sermon:

“Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” Joshua 1:8

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

The 70% of me that believes God/Christianity/Jesus is real says that 1) The Spirit of Poverty, Rejection, Abandonment, & Isolation has been over me my entire life & I need to pray, fast, listen to worship, & read Scripture to get it out, and 2) It’s not a coincidence that I was reminded of all these Scriptures TODAY, right after deciding to fast this morning.

The 30% of me that says I’m wasting my time also says how can any of this change when I can’t even leave the house & God might not even be listening or care anyway because He didn’t care the first time I trusted Him with my love life?

But there’s still a little hope inside that He cares & one day I won’t be so alone and if I’m to stay alive, I can NOT take this cycle anymore, it’s time for something to change. So, here we go. I’m thinking 30 day fast as of now, but it might end up being longer.

#depression #isolation #fasting #30dayfast #Christianity #jesus #bpd #bpdlife #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonality

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scoutbert · 6 years ago

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my birthday is on sunday 3/3

TW: non graphic mentions of suicide/depression/drug abuse.

i turn 20,, i have had an account here since 2013 (when i was 14) and therefore i have spent 6 years on this accursed site... i wonder if, like webkinz, there will be a day where i log in for the last time and forget about all the stuff that made me /feel/.

anyway yea its my birthday soon and i want to draw your attention cause some people who've been following me/been mutuals for years may vaguely recall my many close encounters with depression-related crises. i never thought i would live to see my 20th birthday. there was never a future i envisioned because i was so wrapped up, and obsessed with thinking, and fantasizing and rolling around in my own sticky angst that i burned bridges, or never even built some.

my teens were frought with mental health problems. ive been in and out of psychiatric inpatient hospitals at least 9 times, gone through several failed therapies and medications. ive had some (severely) traumatic events occur. ive struggled with addiction. and now, as i enter my 20s, i am coming to terms with healing, something i never even /considered/ as a viable option. for too long my automatic thought process was "well i can always just kill myself!" it was an excuse to avoid putting effort into improving myself, a 'plan b' if you will, for when things became challenging or too much.

but since i was kicked out of my abusive, unsupportive household and began my transition last year, things have begun to change. over the last 12 months, i have been forced to adjust to adult life very quickly. and at first it whipped my ass hard. i got a job but due to a pretty bad bender with alcohol i became depressed and quit. then i was unemployed for 6 months, living off the generosity of my partner's family. i am a prideful person, i do not like help, i am the one to OFFER help usually. the shame and pride i felt escalated into my drug abuse last year, and i tried LSD a lot. i had one experience that was amazing; it basically changed my life. more on that in a different post.

basically, i got a job again. and when the winter hit and my seasonal depression kicked in- hard- i made the first move to improve my mental health in *years.* i voluntarily admitted myself to inpatient. i was set up with a professional support system at last, got on meds (that actually fucking work?? you may recall my deep distrust of psychopharmacology) and started just. being more adult.

i filed my taxes for the first time, i am budgeting, taking care of my own transportation, food, clothing. i even planned a little mini vacation for anime boston. ive cut back immensely on the booze, cigarettes, weed and acid. i have outpatient support. i have a handsome wonderful partner and a plethora of wonderful people i surround myself with, and ive cut out all the people who don't add any value to my life/took value away from it.

im still getting my sea legs. there's always the chance i may fall down again. but this time i dont have my mother towering over me and ridiculing me for it. i have a whole network of supportive people there to reach out a hand to help me back up. and ive finally learned to value my own life. i always angsted over how horrible the world was, and how living isn't worth the pain because the pain seemed to outweigh any good things. and it's been REALLY hard changing that pattern of thinking, because it's so easy to believe it's true. but the truth really is that there is no pain versus pleasure. there is pain, and there is pleasure, and there is neutrality. but most importantly, there is my ability to decide HOW these things will affect ME, and my ability to CHOOSE how to respond. in therapy i learned there are thoughts, feelings, and actions. you can't always control your thoughts, and usually not your feelings, but you always have 100% control over how you act and what you say.

so now, im taking actions to affect how i feel, to change how i think. like actively recognizing and challenging intrusive or maladaptive thoughts, learning how to cope with strong emotions and memories, and controlling impulsive behaviors.

the freedom i feel is so refreshing at last. i may still be poor, i may still have no car and no place of my own, but what the hell is the rush? i have maybe 60+ years here. no one gets to tell me how i spend them but me!

happy birthday, me. i no longer dread my birthday, a sign of my impending slavery to society (entering the shitty American system of lower class people.) i am getting comfortable in my body and identity. im going to live and life isn't about what i think other people want, its about what i want, and what im going to do to get it.

so thank you if you've managed to read this far. thanks if you've been with me since the beginning, way back in 2013 when i made that post promising i would follow everyone on tumblr who reblogged it, when i got a little popular. thanks if you're the people who messaged me asking if i was okay or needed to talk; thank you, the people who called for help on me when i posted my suicide notes from high school; thank you to the people who sent me financial help when i was at my lowest and couldn't afford my medications. you all played a part in me coming to this point and i am grateful for you. merci beaucoup, mes amis. je vous aimez.

-scout 2/27/19

#scoutbert #depression #suicide #tw suicide #drugs #lsd #2019

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cringeater · 5 years ago