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animeniacss · 5 years ago

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A Palette of Emotions - Artist!Taehyung x Teacher!Reader - Chapter 8 - Invitations and Standing Ovations

Synopsis: Taehyung dreams of being a professional and famous artist one day, but finds that the sea of creativity can be lurking with blood hungry sharks, as well as bland, motionless starfish. Swimming through the sea of opportunities somehow washed him up onto the shore of Bright Star Preschool, as an art teacher. This wasn’t where he expected to be 4 years into his career, but anything to get his big break though, right?

Feat. BTS, TXT, ITZY, Jisoo (BlackPink), Taeyong (NCT)

Genre: Romance, Slow Burn, Love Triangle, Drama, School Setting, Working!AU

Length: approx. 4.6k words

Chapter 8 - Invitations and Standing Ovations

Taehyung stared at Jimin for what felt like forever. He wasn’t sure what to say in response to his friend, who just sat there with a wide grin on his face. Taehyung had to try to process it, but he couldn’t. With a shake of his head, he took Jimin’s shoulders.

“What did you say?” He asked curiously.

“I said that I was able to get you a vendor permit for the Annual Ilsan Art Fair at the end of the month,” Jimin repeated, chuckling. Taehyung blinked. “I saw you watching the news last night at the bar, and it took almost all of my strength not to say anything then. I was waiting for the right moment.” Taehyung blinked. “Does that help your hangover?”

“What hangover?! I can focus on a hangover; I need to start preparing and deciding which of my pieces I am going to bring.” Taehyung practically leaped out of his seat, only to see his vision go black momentarily. His fast-paced movements along with his headache caused him to lose balance for a moment, and he stumbled back on the couch. Jimin couldn’t help back laugh. “Fuck…” Taehyung huffed.

“Don’t worry, you have more than enough time to focus on all of that.” He said. “And don’t get too overzealous, I was only able to snag you a smaller part of the venue. “

“Any place is fine with me. That means that even more people are going to see my work and maybe I can finally start selling stuff and…you know, making a name for myself.” Jimin watched as Taehyung leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he stared at his walls that were still covered in his paintings. He sipped his ginger ale. “How did you even manage it?”

“Well, Mr. Kim had a business meeting with one of the men who appraises some of the art. I managed to catch him as he was walking out, we got on the same elevator, and we started talking. He talked about the show and I brought you up. He gave me all of the information and even waived our vending fee for me.” He grinned. “He was so nice; older guy. Nothing like your best friend, Mr. Oh Min-Jae.” Taehyung rolled his eyes as the mere mention of that man’s name. However, honestly, he could care less. Taehyung quickly embraced Jimin in a tight hug, which stunned an unexpecting Jimin for a moment. However, he almost immediately hugged him back.

“Thank you so much, this is crazy.”

“Of course. What kind of manager would I be if I didn’t try to support you however I could by totally taking advantage of my position at work?” The duo laughed, and Taehyung pulled from the hug, laying his head on the back of the couch. Jimin did the same thing, grabbing his ginger ale to drink. The duo sat in silence for a moment, before Jimin rolled his head over to look at his friend. “…What are you thinking about now?” he asked curiously.

“I want to invite my coworkers to come and see me.” He said.

“That’s a good idea,” Jimin said.

“I know my Hyung’s will all come, but-.”

“But you don’t think the teacher will, right?” Jimin asked curiously. Taehyung nodded.

“I want her to see my real work and how serious and professional I can be.”

“Just ask anyway. The worst thing that she can say is she can’t come.” Taehyung pouted a bit. “Or maybe ask one of the others to invite her along, if you think that she’ll say yes that way.” Taehyung nodded. “As I said though, don’t worry too much right now because you should probably go inside and sleep so that you can function at work tomorrow.”

“Ugh, I hate when you’re right.”

“I don’t,” Jimin said smugly as he finally lifted himself from the couch. Taehyung got up as well, carefully this time, and set his now empty ginger ale can on the coffee table. “I’ll see you this weekend, alright?” Jimin hummed as he gave his friend a supportive pat on the back. Taehyung nodded.

“Right, see you then,” Taehyung said. He walked Jimin to the door, the duo sharing a final goodbye before Jimin took his leave, and Taehyung shut the door, clicking the lock shut. He stood there for a moment, silently waiting for something to happen on the other side of the door. When he didn’t hear the sound of footprints, he slowly unlocked and opened the door. Upon opening it, Taehyung saw Jimin still standing at his front door, crossing his arms. A sheepishly adorable boxy smile appeared on Taehyung’s face as he stared at his short, unamused friend.

“…Go to sleep. Do not stay up working or you’ll feel worse tomorrow than you do now.” Taehyung groaned.

“But-.”

“Tae.” Jimin huffed, pouting Taehyung groaned.

“Fiiiiiine.” He said. Jimin nodded, finally turning on his heel and heading down the hallway to the elevator at the end. Halfway down the hall, Taehyung waved him off and finally closed the front door. Almost immediately, as if he didn’t hear a word his friend said, Taehyung turned back to his work desk and the paintings that surrounded the top and bottom of it. He huffed. “There’s no way I can sleep now.” He mumbled to himself, walking towards the work desk. He plopped himself down and began shuffling through some recent doodles he had been doing. “I need to get some work done.”

As Taehyung began to skim and doodle, he found himself extremely lost in thought. He was so focused on making sure that he had something new and exciting ready for the end of the month. He was so busy in thought that he had blocked out the rest of the world as soon as he sat himself down in that seat. It was a trait that caused many nights where he would stay up to meet the sun. However, back then, he was unemployed or working part-time, and could afford to go to sleep at his desk for ten hours at a time. This was no longer the case. And Jimin knew that as well, probably even better than Taehyung did.

Taehyung was so focused, he didn’t hear the click of his front door or the slow creaking of it opening up behind him. He didn’t hear footsteps step into the front entrance or the door close behind him. However, he did hear a loud, and extremely annoyed-.

“BEDTIME, KIM TAEHYUNG!” The high-pitched voice startled Taehyung right out of his seat, and he practically darted to his room like a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Jimin watched him scurry to his room with his tail between his legs, and he huffed, quickly following after him. “I swear to God, I’ll burn your vendors permit if I find out you fucking stayed up all night.”

“Okay, Mom,” Taehyung shouted from under the covers of his bed. Jimin sighed, crossing his arms. “Telling me about the biggest opportunity of my career is going to keep me up anyways, you know.”

“Yeah, you said that about the last art show I managed to get you into,” Jimin said. “You’ll thank me when you wake up tomorrow with no bags under your eyes.” Taehyung snorted.

“That’s funny. Those bastards live under there now, rent-free and I can’t kick them out because each one has two kids.” Jimin chuckled a bit.

“Goodnight, Tae,” Jimin said. Taehyung only groaned, keeping his head under his pillow as he heard his friend make his exit and close the front door behind him. Once Taehyung was alone, he poked his head out from the covers and stared up at the ceiling. He wanted to get up, he wanted to get up so bad and start to work, his fingers were itchy and eager to draw or paint or something. He gripped the sheets, however, because he knew Jimin was right. He needed to sleep and get ready for the next day. He couldn’t have another mess up like he did today. Not if he could help it.

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Taehyung found himself scratching his head as he headed into the building early the next morning. He couldn’t stop thinking about the night before. He was so excited, then anxious, then excited again that he had to get up and pace the room a few times when sleep wouldn’t overtake his body. When the sun came up, he managed to squeeze in about 6 hours of sleep, which when paired with two cups of coffee, was perfect for him. Taehyung put his hands in his pockets as he headed down the hallway, passing Seokjin’s office. As he passed by, he heard voices talking inside. As he got closer, he could hear the voices even clearer. And neither of them seemed happy.

Inside, you were pacing Seokjin’s desk, hands behind your back. Seokjin was sitting at his desk, eyebrow raised in confusion as he watched you.

“Will you stop pacing?” Seokjin asked. “How about you finally tell me what’s on your mind instead of rambling to yourself.” When you finally stopped, you turned to him.

“Do you think your lecture yesterday got to him?” You asked curiously. Seokjin groaned, his head lolling back in his chair to stare up at the ceiling. “Sir, I’m just asking-.”

“I know it did. He looked upset. Now can you stop with all childish behavior please?” Seokjin sounded extremely annoyed. You blinked, the sound of the more annoyed President Kim making its way into the room over the jovial and upbeat Kim Seokjin. You stopped pacing and turned to him. “Seriously, it’s getting old and I’m getting frustrated.”

“N-no, listen. I’m not trying to give him a hard time here-.”

“Yes, you are,” Seokjin said simply. Taehyung blinked, now finding himself pressed up against the door to get a better listen. “It’s enough now. I spoke to him; he knows what is expected from him and now you need to stop.”

“But President-.” You tried to continue but Seokjin stood up. He was much taller than you now, and as you tilted your head up to look at him, you could see how annoyed he was, the fire burning in his eyes. That scary demeanor only made him seem ten times taller, and you a million times smaller. It sent a shiver up your spine.

“I swear to God if you keep this up, I will send you home and have Hoseok run the class himself. You’re not doing any favors to yourself or the kids by acting this way.” Your heart immediately sank into your chest.

Inside, you had your arms crossed and your eyes cast down to the floor, chewing the inside of your lip. Seokjin groaned and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, that was too far.” He said.

“You’re probably right though.” You said softly. “I just want to make sure that the kids are safe no matter what. It’s nothing against him.”

“It seems that way,” Seokjin said. “You were in there; did anything looks out of place yesterday other than him looking a bit tired?”

“No.” You said.

“The kids are fine. If it happens again, it’s for me to worry about, not you. But I trust that it won’t.” Seokjin walked over to you, placing a hand in your hair. “You feel this upset about his hiring?” You shook your head.

“No, not anymore. I know the kids like him and I know in my soul that him working here eases my workload a bit and I should be happy but I don’t know. I want to do it all; I’d teach the physical education if I was athletic at all.” Seokjin laughed a bit. “I can’t describe it.”

“But that’s not Taehyung’s fault.”

“I know.” You admitted. Seokjin grinned a bit.

“So, what do we say when we know we do something wrong?” Seokjin hummed, a mocking tone in his voice. You grimaced as he began to laugh once more, feeling even worse hearing this being said to you instead of saying it to a misbehaving child. You pouted.

“President, please-.”

“What do we do~?” he repeated. You groaned.

“Say sorry.” You mumbled, huffing. Seokjin laughed once again, and you couldn’t help but grin a bit too.

“Then shall we? He must be here by now.” Seokjin spun you around and began leading you towards the door.

The sound of footsteps heading towards the door made Taehyung’s eyes widen. He didn’t want to be caught eavesdropping! His eyes scanned the left, right, and even the ceiling, hoping that a magical hiding spot would appear. However, just as he was about to hide, the door opened and he saw Seokjin and you walk into the hall. He stood at attention; eyes cast to the floor.

“Uh…Good morning…” he said after a long silence rang through the hallway. When he looked up, he saw Seokjin grinning ear to ear.

“Good morning, Taehyung. Do you feel better?”

“Yes. It won’t happen again.” He quickly assured. Seokjin nodded his head. Suddenly, he patted your shoulders quickly, and your eyes shot up from the floor as well, coming in direct contact with Taehyung. You felt your stomach do a flip.

This must be what the kids feel like when I do this whole speech to them. You thought to yourself.

“She has something to say to you,” Seokjin said. Taehyung looked at you, and you forced out a deep breath, crossing your arms. Taehyung put his hands in his pockets as you stayed silent. However, after a slight shake of your shoulders, and the sound of Seokjin’s annoyed voice behind you uttering your name, you huffed. Your heart was pounding

“I’m sorry, okay?” you said. “I shouldn’t take my insecure anger out on you and it was rude and unprofessional….” Taehyung blinked a bit. Unprofessional, hm? It hit Taehyung differently hearing the word directed towards someone else. Taehyung nodded his head after a moment when he realized you had stopped.

“Oh, uh-.” Taehyung stuffed his hands in his pockets, pursing his lips as he tried to think of what to respond with. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I just want us to work…you know…well. So, let’s just have a clean slate?” Pulling one of his hands out of his pocket, he stuck it in your direction. You looked down at it, before glancing back up at him. You huffed, smiling a bit as you stuck your hand out and shook it firmly. Taehyung grinned a bit, and you noticed for the first time how boxy and warm his smile was. Just as you took a moment to admire it, a voice was heard behind you.

“I didn’t buy it, should I have you do a deep bow to him and apologize that way?” Seokjin asked. You immediately turned in the direction of your grinning President, who began laughing as you playfully punched him in the shoulder. “Ow!” He gasped as he continued to laugh.

“Would you stop causing trouble at every turn?” You asked, pouting. Taehyung blinked, unable to hold back an amused chuckle. You looked over at him, a pout still stuck on your face, along with a few tints of blush. “What’s so funny?!”

“….I would really accept your apology if you do a deep bow,” Taehyung added. You huffed.

“I’m going to my classroom.” You said, storming away as the boys continued to chuckle behind you. Suddenly, Taehyung stopped laughing, eyes wide as he remembered what he was planning to stop them about in the first place.

“Ah, w-wait a second.” Taehyung began, turning in your direction.

“NO! I don’t want to hear it, bullies.” You huffed, closing your door with a playful force that shook some of the wall posters nearby. Seokjin snickered as he saw Taehyung push his lips together in annoyance.

“What did you have to tell her?” Seokjin asked curiously. Taehyung looked over at his boss, before sighing.

“Well…” Taehyung pushed his fingers together. “My manager got me a vendor’s permit at the Ilsan Arts Festival this month.” He began. “And well…I wanted to ask if you guys were able to come and see me….” Taehyung waited for a response. He had never really asked anyone to see his work at a show before, as a lot of them were smaller and pretty intimate, only containing the managers, a few family members, and some art critics. Occasionally, the public would come, but in small droves due to low capacity. However, this was now a huge art festival that could hold tons of people. And he wanted his coworkers to be there. For a moment, there was no response from Seokjin, and Taehyung got a bit discouraged. He most likely has plans. Taehyung thought to himself. Taehyung looked at him. “I was going to ask her, and Hobi-Hyung and Yoongi-Hyung too…” Taehyung added.

“Hmm, you’re going to show your art?” Seokjin asked. Taehyung nodded. “…Consider us all there, then.” Taehyung blinked.

“Really?” Taehyung asked, eyes lighting up in excitement. Seokjin nodded.

“I think it’s a great way to promote comradery between everyone here once and for all.” Seokjin clapped his hands together. “I’ll call Yoongi, you tell Hoseok when he gets here.” Taehyung nodded and Seokjin patted his shoulders, a grin on his face. “This is exciting. I finally get to see your work in person.” Taehyung nodded.

“Y-yeah. I’m excited too.” He admitted. “It’s one of the biggest art shows I’ve gotten to show my work at.” Seokjin nodded.

“We’ll talk more later, so get ready for the day.” Taehyung nodded as the duo parted ways. As he passed your room, he peeked into one of the windows beside the door. He could barely see inside from behind the construction paper rocket ship on the door, or the multitude of big stars and a moon on the wall. He had to poke his head in the ‘O’ of the phrase “Lift Off to Pre-School!” that was plastered on top, and he accidentally knocked down a cut-out astronaut with Lia’s name written on it, which he had to sneakily put back in its place. However, when he finally got a good look, he saw you standing by the board. Your back was toward the door, a marker in your hand as you began writing and drawing on the board. Taehyung couldn’t see the entire thing, since your body covered most of it. However, when you looked to your right, he saw the profile of your face and pursed his lips. The look of absolute focus on your face was a vast contrast to the puffy cheeked, childish pout that was on your face only minutes before. He couldn’t stop staring as you tugged your hair into a scrunchie ponytail, before walking over to one of the cabinets and opening it, now completely hiding from his view behind the door, only your feet poking out. Taehyung, realizing he should probably step back, went to do so, when he heard a high-pitched voice.

“Your classroom is down the hall, Taehyungieeee~.” The voice made Taehyung jump, and he spun around to see Hoseok, standing behind him with a grin. “Are you spying?”

“Yes! I mean no.” Taehyung said quickly, cheeks flushed. Hoseok immediately covered his mouth to stifle a laugh. “…I just wanted to see what she was doing. I wanted to ask her a question but-.”

“She’s probably lost in thought right now, there’s almost no getting to her while she’s in prep mode,” Hoseok assured. “Want me to pass a message along?” Taehyung looked back into the room for a moment, seeing you close the closet and walk over to one of the desks, squatting down to its level and spreading out materials.

“Well, I have an art show at the end of the month, and I want everyone to come and see my work,” Taehyung said simply. “She just apologized to me for the ways she’s acting, but Seokjin-Hyung kind of forced her so I don’t know if we made up or not, and I don’t want to be a bother.” Hoseok sighed a bit, fixing his bag.

“I’ll tell her. She’ll come if I force her.” Taehyung looked at his Hyung, who was now smiling with a finger pressed against one of his dimples.

“I guess she can’t say no to that face, huh?” Taehyung mumbled, amused a bit by his childish Hyung. Hoseok laughed a bit.

“You’d be surprised, but I can be pretty convincing when I want to be.” Hoseok patted Taehyung’s back. “I’ll suggest it. See you later.” He grinned. Taehyung nodded, finally heading to his room as Hoseok entered the classroom. He took another glance into the classroom, watching as Hoseok approached you, a spring in his step. When you turned to face him, Taehyung took that as his time to leave and make his way to his classroom. As he sat down at his desk, his eyes scanned the walls, the off-white paint slowly being covered up in all directions by scattered collections of the student’s dried artwork. All he could see as he scanned the room was his childhood bedroom, which looked extremely familiar visually. Scribbles and sketches covered all of his carefully placed wallpaper, crumpled up paper took up more of the floor than any number of toys ever could. He felt as if he was eight years old again, kicking his legs at the desk in his room as he continued to draw on a sheet of slightly crumpled printer paper. He could even hear the footsteps of his mother approach him from the door.

“Taehyung, have you even finished your homework?” She asked. Taehyung looked up, his pencil gripped tightly in his hands.

“No.” He said, much to his mother’s disdain. “But I don’t need homework, Mom. I’m going to be a great artist one day, just like Vincent Van Gogh!” A deep, frustrated groan escaped his mother’s lips as she hit him over the head just slightly, making the boy pout. “Ow!”

“Enough with that nonsense. No son of mine is going to struggle his way through life. Art is a fine hobby, but be practical.” Taehyung watched his mother yank the paper from in front of him, crumpling it up in her hands. “Now get your homework done, and don’t even think about coming out of this room until it’s all finished.” She demanded. Taehyung watched her storm out, slamming the door and ending the conversation right then and there.

Taehyung’s memory was pulled away by the sound of his phone vibrating. When he looked over, he saw Jimin’s face showing up on it. Quickly he answered it.

“Uh, hello?”

“Hello, future Van Gogh~.” Jimin cooed happily. “Just calling to tell you that I found out exactly where our vendor spot is going to be for the festival. I sent it to you over text but was shocked to not receive a reply right away. Are you working on lessons or something?”

“Oh uh, no,” Taehyung assured. “I just kind of zoned out. Took a trip down memory lane, I guess…” Jimin hummed. “I’ll check the text message right now, though. Thanks.”

“So, what’s the status with your coworkers?” He asked curiously.

“Well, President Seokjin said he can get everyone to come, but Hoseok-Hyung is going to sweeten the pot for her to say yes,” Taehyung said. “So…yeah.” Jimin grinned.

“That’s great.” He said. “Okay, well if you’re not dead, I need to get back to work before Namjoon finds me and beats me up for sneaking off. I’m supposed to be getting him important documents.”

“Enjoy…” Taehyung said. Jimin laughed a bit, saying his goodbyes before the two of them hung up. Taehyung set his phone down and looked at the desks before him. The materials for the day needed to be pulled out, and Taehyung needed to get an example or two prepared for the children to use as a guide for the craft. He stood up, cracking his back as he strolled over to the cabinet, pulling out a bunch of dollar store mirrors and setting them down. He also collected a stack of paper and a box of markers and crayons. He had planned to have the students pair up and draw each other. His example was done, not forcibly of course, with Jimin before today. He was curious to see what such young minds could see when doing this, and how they were able to put that into a visual art on paper. It was bound to have a few laughs. Taehyung looked up at the clock, knowing that he had more than enough time, and he could probably go outside and greet the kids with you and Hoseok, so that was exactly what he planned to do. Strolling out of his room, he saw you and Hoseok already heading down the hall towards the door, talking to one another. As he watched you, he glanced back inside of his class, seeing the two weeks’ worth of artwork that scattered his walls. As he stared now, he was no longer being brought to the past, but instead was being shown the future. The pictures on the walls morphed from cute and amateur children’s work to abstract, stunning canvases of magnificent artwork. Taehyung could recognize some of the portraits as his own, but some he couldn’t recognize visually, but he could identify them deep in his soul as if they were his, he just didn’t know it yet. He could see the vendor spot perfectly in his mind, though he had no idea what it looked like for real. All he knew was that every day that passed, every hour that passed, every minute that passed, he was closer to it. As he closed the door, he hurried towards his coworkers, hoping to catch up with them in time.

He just couldn’t wait for it.

“Hey, guys.” He said when he approached. You and Hoseok turned your heads, only Hoseok offering a smile to Taehyung. “I wanted to come to say good morning to the kids today.”

“…Okay.” You said simply, turning back around. “Hoseok told me you’re showing art at the Ilsan Art Festival this month.” You said simply. Taehyung nodded.

“Uh yeah.” He glanced in Hoseok’s direction, who offered his friend a smile and a thumbs up. “My manager got me the spot through work. I was hoping you guys could come and see my real art.”

“What? Do your paper plate goldfish with glitter not count as real art?” You teased, smirking. When you didn’t get a reply, you turned over your shoulder to see Taehyung, and Hoseok did not look amused. “…What? I was joking.” You had to clarify, though it didn’t seem to help. You sighed.

“Anyway, are you coming? President Kim said everyone was going to, but-.”

“I uh, I mean I guess.” You looked over at him once again. “The way I’ve treated you…and you still want me to come?” Taehyung nodded.

“Well, yeah of course.” He said simply, putting his hands in his pockets. “I want you all to see my art. Besides, I think we’ve already realized as a group that I’m the nicer coworker out of us.” Hoseok snickered as your eyes widened. Taehyung couldn’t help but grin his little boxy grin. “What? I was joking.” Now, Hoseok began to laugh, and you turned to him.

“Oh, but you laugh at that!?” You asked, which only made Hoseok laugh harder. “It’s not funny!” Taehyung watched you shove Hoseok, and despite the annoyance etched on your face, a smile found its way on there as well. Taehyung smiled as he stared at the scene before him, and he could only imagine one thing.

He could only imagine how stunning your face would look sketched out on a beautiful, white canvas.

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infjabberwocky · 5 years ago

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imagine if she was on something...

ARCHIVE FROM SEPTEMBER 8, 2019

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since.

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years. There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time. I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return.

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

#INFJ VIRGO

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cringeater · 6 years ago