#it takes so much of my mental concentration to make a phonecall that it can totally sap me physically it SUCKS

[ilikeyoshi]

when u were almost finally alive today but u had to make a phonecall and now ur back in bed suffering

[the-emotional-equilibrium]

I feel so ashamed.

Today I got called into my boss's office, as she and her other very senior colleague told me they couldn’t employ me anymore. They criticised me for never responding to Occupational Health’s 5 telephone calls and infinite emails, and told me that since I couldn’t be signed off, I couldn’t work.

That’s fair and I know it. But that conversation was horrific and stomach turning and everything I hate concentrated in a few sentences.

I hated the way their eyes bore into me the whole time. That’s always the worst part of every “you’ve done something wrong”. It’s possibly the most traumatising thing, I can’t describe how much it eats into me. The memory of it’s bad enough I swear.

I hated the way they patronized me, they told me “you need to do fill in this form. I had to fill in this form. My colleages had to fill in this form. The headteacher had to fill in this form.” I wanted to reply “thanks for that long, drawn out explanation. Right before you explained the headteacher had to fill in the form too, I was very confused.” But I couldn’t, for obvious reasons, and also because really I probably deserved to be patronized because I, an 18 year old adult, had not managed to make a phone call.

I hated the way when I asked to clarify what I needed to do and who I needed to ring, my boss simply snapped at me “well its your responsibility to find out.”

I tried to lie a little to make myself seem at least not quite so bad. I doubt they believed me though. I told them I hadn’t received the phone calls and asked to double check they had the right phone number to keep up the fascade. I admitted receiving an email, but said it was only a week ago, instead of a month. The whole time my cheeks were burning though and I’m pretty sure they saw right through it.

That isn’t the worst part though, not really. Even though I know I've caused them trouble and they probably won't trust me again. The worst part is I’m so angry and disappointed with myself.

It’s true that I couldn’t have responded to the phonecalls as soon as they wanted, thanks to working endlessly for two weeks during all office hours. But I could have phoned them before now. I was so scared though. The thought of making a phonecall makes me feel sick and my palms sweat. Add to that the fact I’m really hard of hearing and can barely understand a word talking to people I know on the phone and I Just. Can’t. Do. It.

And I didn’t have much motivation to try. I just kept telling myself it’ll be fine, it isn’t essential, I’ll do it later. It’s hard enough to find the motivation to do things I enjoy, let alone to force myself into a panic inducing hell hole of a situation.

But I am mad at myself, because I at least take a little pride in the fact despite my shocking mental health, it rarely stops me from functioning. This is the first time in years it’s severely interfered with my life and I’m so embarrased. I hate myself.

In all honesty I haven’t been feeling quite so well lately. Not terrible, but not great. Borderline depressive decent. But this has just made me feel utterly Shit^TM. The first thing my mind jumped to when I left the office was self harm, but I can’t let myself down twice and I don’t want to let my friends down either. I just feel empty now, empty with a hint of anger. I just want to sit in the shower for hours on end and blast music so loud I can’t think.