#it sure is making me deeply uneasy tho

[frumiously]

why is he looking at me like that. sir this is a podiatrist waiting room

[transbutchblues]

could you please elaborate on your feelings on the gods' characterization in the wisdom saga? Not forcing you tho!

sure! keep in mind that i love EPIC and that even if i complain about things here, i totally respect the choices that Jorge makes. it’s his musical and i admire all the work put in the songs.

disclaimer : most of the time i try to dissociate EPIC from the Odyssey in my mind, because thinking of EPIC as an adaptation tends to make me upset due to how different it is. but it’s also amazing on its own! there are creative liberties that i deeply love (like having Odysseus know about Scylla but not telling anyone, and changing the context of the mutiny), others that i don’t like that much but that i can get behind, and others that i really dislike. i understand why everything is done the way it’s done, but i still have opinions.

before talking about the Wisdom Saga i’d like to explain how i felt about the gods in the other sagas. as a classics student and a hellenic polytheist i tend to dislike most modern portrayals of the gods, mostly because they’re usually flat and lack nuance. up until this saga, i had never been disappointed by any choice done regarding the gods in EPIC. they were all so interesting.

i loved Zeus in Thunder Bringer. it’s one of my favorite songs, and i found that Zeus was beautifully portrayed. he’s the villain, sure, he offers an awful choice (for the second time), but the situation was created by Odysseus and his men. i loved the lyrics and their double meaning.

this all fell apart in God Games, for me. it just didn’t feel like the same Zeus anymore. and as much as i try to dissociate EPIC from Homer’s epics, i love the Iliad and the Odyssey too much not to point out that Zeus would never be like that. in the Odyssey, Zeus immediately agrees with Athena on the fact that Odysseus must be freed from Calypso’s island. Poseidon is the only god who really wants to stop Odysseus, Zeus doesn’t exactly care about him. he knows Odysseus’ fate and he won’t go against it. besides, Athena is Zeus’ favorite daughter in Homer’s works. he loves her. he doesn’t like it when she defies her, that’s very clear in the Iliad, he even threatens her when she does that, but he loves her dearly and he gives her nearly everything she asks for. he would simply not strike her down like that. and Zeus has no reason to go against his own word. if he sets a challenge, he respects the terms. he’s a fair god, he’s a ruler, he’s all about divine justice. i don’t mind changes, but i dislike these ones.

and Athena… Athena was always the deity i felt the less sure about in EPIC. don’t get me wrong, i love her in the previous songs. but i never knew where exactly her character arc would bring her and i felt uneasy. now i know i was right to feel this way.

there had to be an explanation to the fact that Athena hadn’t helped Odysseus during the years he was imprisoned by Calypso. i understand why in EPIC, this explanation is that Odysseus and Athena fought and fell apart. in fact, i love My Goodbye. i think the way Odysseus is portrayed in the Cyclops Saga makes him way more of an asshole than he is in the Odyssey (and that’s alright by me!), because he’s stupid and hubristic and he refuses to listen to Athena. in the Odyssey, Athena never abandons Odysseus, she helps him during his entire journey. but if he had talked to her like he does in EPIC, she probably would have left him! i find their fight interesting, how cold Athena can be, how betrayed they both feel.

but! here comes the Wisdom Saga. and i love Athena in Little Wolf. i like her in God Games too. maybe even in Love in Paradise. but i can’t get over We’ll Be Fine, it just doesn’t sound right to me. i like Telemachus. but i hate that this is how Athena suddenly decides to go back to Odysseus. "i could sleep at night", really? why would she feel guilty about leaving a hero who refused to listen to her? i enjoyed how cold she was in My Goodbye, it was an interesting choice, and i would have liked for her to remain this way. or to change more slowly. the loneliness aspect could have been great if it had been explored more in depth (which i know wouldn’t have been possible since she doesn’t have enough songs to allow for slow character development). this just felt rushed and strange.

i would have liked for Athena not to reach out until Odysseus does. the moment where he cries out her name at the end of Love in Paradise is heart-wrenching, i love it. that’s when i would have loved for her to suddenly hear him and go back to him, instead of already being there. that would have been a moment where she could have decided to help him despite what he said and did, because she still cares about him and she sees him being so desperate. that could have been a moment where she feels guilty or lonely.

i know it’s done that way so that Telemachus saves Odysseus’ life by giving advice to Athena. it’s fine, it’s a nice idea. i understand why people like it, and i’m glad they do. it just feels off to me.

regarding the other gods: firstly, Calypso is great and i love her! now, on the other ones: i think instead of all this weird Zeus portrayal in God Games, it would have been nice to mention Poseidon. if there had to be a reason for Zeus not to want to release Odysseus, it could have been something to do with his brother. Apollo’s appearance felt unnecessary, his argument was weak, i’m still glad he was there but i didn’t love his portrayal. my opinion for Hephaestus is similar (though i liked his portrayal better, he just felt unnecessary), with another thought: i’m already starting to see more art of him and i really wish people would depict him as disabled, because not everybody does. i liked Aphrodite’s and Ares’ part, and Hera’s was fun. i don’t necessarily like the overall vibes of God Games but that’s just a matter of my music tastes, there are multiple songs in EPIC that i don’t really listen to because of that while still enjoying their role in the storyline.

obviously most people disagree with me, and i’m glad everyone seems to love that saga. some parts were just really not for me, namely, We’ll Be Fine, the beginning of Love in Paradise, and the end of God Games.

[temis-de-leon]

Day 20 - Kiss on the hand

Characters: Satan x gn!MC

25 kisses challenge Masterlist

Main Masterlist

CW: emotional intelligence chases Satan, but he's way too fast. Sudden and kind of inappropriate discussion of marriage, established relationship, Satan implied to be taller

A/N: I think this is ooc, but my brain decided to ✨stop✨, so here it is. I still like it, tho

.

“Is everything okay?”

“Hm?”

MC usually liked when Satan fixed his eyes on them. His stare almost had an academic feeling to it, like he was actually observing and trying to answer questions only he knew, but MC never found themselves being scrutinized. He still looked at them with care and fascination and the glint his eyes wore whenever they shared a moment of comfortable silence reminded them of the human sea and the sunrays bouncing on the water surface.

It was a feeling of being home that only he could bring and MC was far too happy indulging in it.

But this time was different.

He was blushing, distracted by a thought in his mind that, judging by his face, was a rather embarrassing one. He mumbled, shook his head and blushed even more. Was he… arguing with himself?

They had to admit, Satan had been acting strange the whole night. Keeping them close, but not engaging in conversation, holding their chin and staring at their lips, but not kissing them. Showing off their relationship before his peers, flaunting MC’s accomplishments with pride without looking at them.

It wasn’t anger, no, Mc would’ve known had that been the case.

Satan was embarrassed about something. Something involving them.

But what?

“What do you mean?” he asked, interrupting their thoughts.

A horrible liar, he was, cheeks tainted in a deep red and voice strained.

“You haven’t looked at me for hours and now you can’t stop staring”

“Why, can’t I appreciate my partner’s beauty?”

A faint flash of aggravation crossed his features and MC was quick to smile and cup his face.

“Something’s been on your mind” they said gently, enjoying the softness of his skin “What is it?”

The song suddenly changed to an ever slower one and he made sure to discretely move them to the farthest corner of the venue. The bride and the groom, both friends of Satan, walked to the centre of the dancefloor amongst cheers and applauses, the very few lights of the room soon focusing on the newlywed couple and leaving the guests surrounded by darkness. Even though it was a warm summer night, MC hugged Satan’s waist and swayed to the music, smiling when he brought them closer and rested his cheek on their head.

“So?”

MC felt him sigh against their chest.

“Yeah, yeah, I haven’t forgot. It’s just… them”

He slightly turned his face, probably looking at his friends, and MC felt their heart give a violent jump. What was he actually talking about?

“Relax, MC” he said when he senses their tensed body, but that didn’t calm their nerves. Their fingers were tingling, cold sweat running down their back and the uneasiness making them tremble.

Please, please, tell them Satan wasn’t going to propose to them during his friends’ wedding.

“I hope your reaction doesn’t mean you reject the idea of marrying me”

They moved away just enough to be able to look at each other, his breath still reaching them. It had a faint smell of alcohol and MC deeply hoped his words weren’t being fuelled by the influence, though he’d been acting weird since the beginning of the night, before they started drinking.

His apprehensive gaze reminded them he had implied a very important question.

“This is the first time you’ve even mentioned marriage” they said, immediately clarifying themselves to not give the wrong impression “Not that I’m saying no, but this is… this is something!”

Despite talking in whispers, the sincerity and borderline ridiculousness of the conversation brought the attention of a couple of guests. Thankfully, it wasn’t enough to catch the wedding party’s eye, but MC still looked at their boyfriend in panic.

“Yes, I agree, this isn’t the best moment, but I couldn’t get it out of my head”

The seriousness in his voice dried MC’s mouth. They wanted to be mad at him for bringing up such a serious topic in the worst possible scenario, but a part of them jumped in joy at the prospect of being with him forever. Of an official paper signed by Lord Diavolo making it clear to the rest of the world.

“Forgive me, MC, I shouldn’t have talked about it here and now”

He sighed once more, lifting their hand to his lips and kissing the back softly. His eyes stopped at their ring finger for a brief moment and MC’s breath hitched once more.

They didn’t talk much more for the rest of the party, too tired from all the dancing and the socializing and the discussing about potentially spending the rest of their lives together.

But they held each other and they kissed each other and, once they finally got home, they sat down on his bed and talked, not stopping until both of their faces hurt from smiling.

.

.

Taglist: @ourfinalisation  @owlisbuffering  @chizukimp4  @ravenredwine @darkflowerav  @craftysclown @mehkers

[fewsystemsinonebody]

someone still crying as tears go down even tho they don't feel anything anymore after switching with the one who felt sad if that counts

us having a dissociative attack even tho it started for another person (not an emotion but still a continuation of some sort)

used to have an alter who was screaming and crying for us in head space when we needed emotional regulation

Pink wanted to call our doctor because we feel ashamed to do so and still couldn't because we all felt the huge "I don't wanna" and that made him unable to despite the fact he didn't feel afraid

feeling other alter's feelings in "the back of our head" knowing those aren't truly ours but still notocing them which makes us feel weird/uneasy/disturbed/annoyed in general, sometimes we're startled by sudden flood of emotion from another part and we might even mistake it for ours even if it's an intrusive thought but only for a very short time

us making a certain face or say specific words (even in head space) and it creates a fake feeling that reminds our body of smth similar so other alters are untrusting/confused of their intentions/meaning until explained - more an influence of observing the surroundings and medias + memories, actually wonder if someone makes a face like on a gif... do you feel like that gif? because we sometimes do even if it meant smth else to us entirely XD

attack because of something we don't remember but body does

seeing someone in hs and body mimicking their movements without being in co-front

panic attack after trigger even tho we understand we're not in danger as we misunderstood the situation - happened only once

just being blurry? especially when tired and I dunno who's me so obviously no idea which emotions are mine

not being sure who is fronting and for a moment having emotions of an alter by borrowing it due to being mistaken to your own identity - can't explain it well but we sometimes can switch and not notice that then still think certain alter is on the front thinking I love someone when I don't then realising that I don't because... I'm somebody else but for a moment if we don't think much about it we don't care if we truly feel it as we "remember" we're supposed to lol

having non fitting traits/triggers/trauma that split immediately after trigger (leftovers of those alters who are gone - their traits can fall on alters and don't fit which causes splits later)

wanting to do things for others - I "feel" you would like it, I'm sorry you went through that so I'm so empathetic I can feel your pain that even I can be angry for you, I'm "crushing" on someone majority of us are interested in but not as an individual (just happy for others) etc

I'm still nervous/stressed/anxious/afraid even tho we switched and I need some time adjusting/calming down

bad emotions overwhelming the "healthier/happier" part of the system as we share the same body/mind - not anxious in head space but anxious outside for example even if they don't have their own reason at the time or have at least less reasons to

someone's anger affecting entire system, especially alters who are prone to anger even if they don't really have their own reason to be mad at this very moment but they're like set on fire (possibly anger holders)

depressed/suicidal state of the system even if I want to live as an individual even resulting in alter fronting to kms for others without his own will to do so or hearing intrusive thoughts

fragments not having their own emotions if any at all "feeling" those for others in a weird way like they're ordered to (were tought)

intrusive thoughts attacking us like a disease taking control of our thinking or actions for a moment - we're not being ourselves during those moments (usually during very stressful time, being super exhausted/sleepy or very angry)

hope I understood the assignment, if that's not helpful then I'm really deeply sorry!

hello sysblr. please help me out!

can you all tell be about your experiences with emotional influence and emotions 'bleeding through' from another part/alter?

i had an experience recently that is making me think again.

[youbloodymadgenius]

Happiness is Everything (Modern!Ivar x reader)

A/N: This wasn’t requested; I needed to give my boy some love, and a strong bond with Hvitserk. It’s nothing but a silly comfort fic.

@geekandbooknerd​ - Thank you for beta reading this for me 💖

@zuxiezendler​ - Thank you 😉🌸 (and you know why)

Let me know if you want to be tagged 😊

Summary: Ivar doesn't want any more set-ups. Hvitserk’s stubborn girlfriend disagrees.

Warnings: a tiny bit of angst due to Ivar’s temper and insecurities; an obvious lack of plot; lack of creativity; fluff+++.

Words: 2575

Stifling a hiss of pain, Ivar flops down on the couch, leaning his crutch against its armrest. 

 "Here." Hvitserk joins him, handing him a beer before gulping a long sip of his. "So, brother," Hvitserk's face is slightly crumpled as he looks at him, "There's a last-minute change." 

 With a tight-lipped expression on his face, Ivar frowns. He hates last-minute changes with a passion. "What are you talking about, Hvitserk?" He asks curtly while massaging his right thigh absently. 

 "Thora will be with us tonight." Hvitserk shrugs, his discomfort obvious. 

 "Okay." Ivar tilts his head, confused. Every Thursday night, he and his brother spend the night together. Usually at Hvitserk’s place, eating frozen pizzas – a lot of them, Hvitserk being Hvitserk. Most of the time, Thora, who enjoys spending time with her friends, leaves them alone. Sometimes she stays home though, and honestly, it's fine. The truth is, he likes Thora. She's smart and funny, and uncomplicated. Sure, he didn't warm to her right away. It took time. But now, it's okay. He probably won't say it out loud, but yeah, he likes her.

 "So…" Raising a brow, Ivar takes a sip of his beer, "It's no big deal." As Hvitserk keeps silent, Ivar scrutinizes him. His brother is clearly nervous and not at ease at all. Ivar slowly licks his lips. "What are you not telling me, brother?" He knows he's right when Hvitserk lowers his gaze.

 "Well…" Hvitserk clears his throat, "She won't be alone."

A wide-eyed look on his face, Ivar snarls, pursing his lips. "What does that mean, Hvitserk?" The icy cold tone of his voice matches his hard stare, his knuckles turning white as he clenches his hands into fists. 

 Hvitserk winces, "You know what it means, brother," before taking a seat in the armchair across from Ivar, the small coffee table between them suddenly highly appreciated. One can never be too careful when facing Ivar's anger. 

 "Are you fucking kidding me?" Clenching his jaw, Ivar bangs his fist on the table, and Hvitserk immediately leans forward, catching his brother's beer just before it falls down. 

 "I'm not, Ivar. Listen, I'm sorry but Tho–"

 Ivar cuts him off, running nervously his hands through his hair. "I can't believe it! Remember the fiasco with Thora's cousin? And then with her colleague? What was her name? Livia? Lisa? See, she didn’t even stay long enough for me to remember. Anyway, I thought I was pretty clear after that, wasn't I? Maybe you and your girlfriend should go and check your hearing, what do you think, hm, brother?" His voice dripping with sarcasm, Ivar gives Hvitserk dagger eyes, his pointer finger tapping the side of his head. "No more set-ups. That's what I said, right? Sounds pretty clear, huh? Do I need to tell it again, brother? Look at my mouth, I wouldn't want you to miss it this time,” He points to his lips then in a sarcastic manner, “No. More. Set-ups. No. More. Blind. Dates." Bottom lip quivering, Ivar, who's boiling mad, struggles to hold back his anger.

 "I know, brother…" Hvitserk swallows, rubbing his hand over his face, "but you know Thora means well, don't you? I briefly met Y/N once and honestly, she seemed nice enough. Plus, Thora's not really setting you up. We'll be together, the four of us, here, just eating pizza, it hardly counts as a date, don't you think?"

 Disgruntled, Ivar heaves an exasperated sigh, his nostrils flaring. "Stop playing dumb, Hvit, and don't tell me you've never heard of double dates!" He stares at his brother, his pupils dilated, shading his eyes darker blue. "Anyway, it doesn't matter." As he reaches for his crutch, a scowl on his face, Hvitserk stands up, his brow furrowed. "What are you doing?"

 "Isn't that obvious?" Ivar mocks him while adjusting his legs in front of him. "I'm leaving!" Shifting his butt forward, he laces his left arm through the metal loop of his crutch, places his right hand on the coffee table, and then slowly hauls himself to his feet, grunting and swearing under his breath. He has a false start, where it seems he's going to fall right back onto the couch, but Hvitserk catches him skilfully, gripping his upper right arm. As soon as he's sure his baby brother has found his balance, Hvitserk releases his arm and Ivar gives him a tight, thank-you smile. 

 Hvitserk barely nods, as if nothing happened. And gosh, Ivar may be mad at him about this stupid set-up-non-set-up thing, but right now he's feeling mostly grateful. His brother not making a big deal out of his struggles never fails to amaze him.

With any other of his brothers, it wouldn't have been the same. 

Bjorn would have looked at him as if he were an utter failure, and then maybe helped him – out of pity, Ivar is sure of that – but not without paternally patting him on the shoulder; or even worse, on the head. The thought makes him cringe and he shakes his head, chasing it away. Bjorn is no longer around anyway, busy traveling around the world with his fourth wife. Or maybe it's the fifth? Ivar lost count a long time ago. 

 Sigurd would have kicked his crutch out from under him while Ubbe would have forced him to sit down, hovering beside him for far too long, afraid he would slip or stumble, or break a bone. Between Ubbe and Sigurd, between plague and cholera, Ivar is honestly not sure which one is better. Or worse. After all, it's all a matter of perspective. 

 Fortunately, Hvitserk – his favourite brother, and it is no coincidence – never treats him differently; never belittles him; never mothers nor smothers him. With him, Ivar feels like he's normal.

 Gratefulness flooding his mind, a pang of guilt suddenly hits him. He knows that if he leaves, he will put his brother in a difficult position. Though his resolve remains unshaken, Ivar puts a hand on his brother's shoulder, and when he speaks again, it's in a softer voice. "Listen, brother, just tell them I cancelled because I wasn't feeling well, okay?"

 Technically speaking, it's not even a lie. Today has been what his beloved mother would have called a 'bad leg day'. The pain coursing through his lower limbs worse and the muscles stiffer than usual, his right leg barely moving due to its swollen joints, he had taken a double dose of painkillers earlier, regrettably with little to no effect.

 "Well, brother," Looking out of the window, Hvitserk grimaces, an uneasy grin on the corner of his lips, "I'm afraid it's too late." 

 As if on cue, the door busts open and a girly chuckle can be heard. Ivar clenches his jaw and tightens his grip on the handle of his crutch. As you and Thora take off your coats and shoes in the doorway, Hvitserk mutters, his mouth on his brother's ear, "Behave Ivar, please. For my sake." 

 Ivar snorts, exhaling deeply. "I'll try." He closes his eyes and, shaking his head, he mumbles, fighting a lump in his throat. "It's… It's not that easy. Fuck Hvitserk, you don't even know…I wish I wasn’t so angry all the time. I… I might have been happy." His voice, barely a whisper at this point, cracks at the end, and he hates himself for that.  

 Astounded, Hvitserk isn't even sure he heard right. There's no time left to ask Ivar to repeat himself though, so he somewhat haphazardly decides to comfort him, nevertheless. "You'll get there, brother." He eventually breathes, still stunned by his brother's unexpected admission.

  "We're coming!!" Unaware of the tension in the room, Thora shouts enthusiastically before crossing it in two long strides. All smiles, she joins the brothers, winking at her lover and squeezing his hand, and gives Ivar a peck on the cheek followed by a wholehearted hug. She then steps away, gesturing toward you as Hvitserk wraps his arm around her shoulders. "Ivar, this is Y/N."

 Reluctantly, Ivar looks in your direction and the moment he sets his eyes on you, his breath catches in his throat and he knows he's screwed. Already smitten. Gods, you're glowing and insanely beautiful. He barely hears Thora's next words. "And Y/N, this is Ivar, Hvitserk's little brother."

 A beaming smile on your face, you wave at him before taking two shy steps forward. "Hello, Ivar." Even your voice is wonderful, sweet, and silky, and he can't help but smile back at you, annoyed with himself for being so weak. 

 Even if he can see the sparkle in your eyes as you look at him, even if your smile is devastating, he knows better. 

 It won't last. It can't.

 For now, standing tall in his brother's living room, he's aware you surely find him attractive. With no false modesty, Ivar knows about his good looks, his huge blue eyes his greatest asset. Of course, you must have noticed the crutch, but the crutch per se is barely a turn-off. You can't see his titanium leg braces, which he stubbornly wears under his pants, even if they often bruise the thin and delicate skin of his calves. You can't see his crippling pain, his struggles. You can't see his distorted bones and his hideous legs. You can't see how disabled, how crippled he really is. But he knows that as soon as he takes a step, you'll get a small glimpse, and then the sparkle will leave your eyes, replaced at best by polite indifference, at worst by pity and disgust. 

 Yet, there's nowhere to hide from the inevitable. So, he decisively closes the gap between you and him, leaning heavily on his crutch, dragging his useless right leg behind him, and eventually standing right in front of you, he extends his hand. "Nice to meet you." His gaze never leaves your face, Ivar awaiting for you to avert your eyes, but you surprisingly don't. And as you reach out and offer him a firm handshake, your smile never falters, the sparkle still dancing in your eyes. 

 *** One year later ***

 You stir and turn toward him, your hand searching and finding his chest, and then lay your head on his shoulder. Groggy with sleep, you just mumble his name, eyes still closed, before letting out a content sigh and Ivar can't help but smile; you're so adorable.  

 Wrapping his arm around your waist, he draws you closer, running his fingers along your back and pressing his lips to your head. Rewarded by kisses in the crook of his neck, his free hand settles on your hip, your skin warm and smooth under his fingertips. "Hi," he greets you and buries his nose in your hair, deeply inhaling your scent.

 "Hi." You eventually mumble with a raspy voice, now peppering light kisses all over his broad torso. "What were you doing, my love?" Your eyes flutter open and, propping yourself up on your elbow, your other hand flat on his chest, you offer him a warm smile. There's so much love in your eyes, it takes his breath away. 

 "I was remembering." Ivar smiles fondly at you, grabbing your hand and bringing it to his mouth. "Do you know what day it is?" He asks, gently kissing your knuckles one after the other. 

 "How could I have forgotten?" You scoot even closer, your breast against his chest, your mouth barely an inch from his. "Today is the anniversary of the day we met, my love. That's what you were thinking about?"

 Ivar nods before laying you down on the bed tenderly. He then sits up, running his hands through his hair. "I remember as though it were yesterday, you know? I still can't believe you didn't run away." Sitting behind him, you wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his shoulders, trapping him in your embrace, in your love. "You stayed…", his voice trembles as he gestures to his legs, hidden under the sheets, "… you stayed in spite of… of them…" He swallows loudly and your heart aches.

 Resting your head on his left shoulder, you shake your head. "No, my love, I didn’t stay in spite of your legs, but because of them." 

 Ivar is looking downward but as soon as the words escape your lips, he snaps his head to the side, a frown flitting across his face, and gives you a confused and slightly upset look. "What do you… What do you mean?" He stammers, suddenly tense.

 Shifting in the bed, you carefully straddle him, tilting his chin with a curled finger and forcing him to meet your gaze. "Don't get me wrong, Ivar. I'm not especially attracted to your legs. It's not some kind of weird fetish. I stayed because of what is in here." You put your finger on his forehead, and then over his heart. "And here. But your legs made you who you are. And you're different. A good kind of different. You don't think like other men. That's what I love the most about you. You're unpredictable; you always surprise me. You wouldn't have been who you are without your legs." A gentle hand sliding under the sheets, your fingers graze his scarred skin. "With two working legs, who knows what you would have been. You probably would have been a presumptuous womanizer like Bjorn. Or you might have been as boring as Ubbe; as careless as Hvitserk; as annoying as Sigurd. You are who you are, infuriating, smart, and stubborn, and, I must say, breathtakingly handsome, and I love you exactly the way you are." 

 Ivar just looks at you for a long time, a small smile playing on his lips. Raising his right hand, he cups your face. "Never stop telling me you love me, Y/N. Please..." You never saw him so willingly vulnerable before, and it breaks your heart – you never want him to doubt himself – as much as it fills you with joy – he trusts you enough to share his insecurities with you. 

 You answer him without missing a beat. "I won't. I love you more than my own life. I love you bigger than the sky and its stars, I love you to the moon and back. I love you like I never thought I could. Loving you is a blessing, a precious gift, the meaning of my life. I love you and only you, Ivar Lothbrok."

 Blinking a few times, Ivar heaves a shuddering breath. Tears come to his bright blue eyes and the expression on his face is unreadable; fragile and strong all at once. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but then closes it. Staring into space, he seems lost.

 Stroking his cheek, you bring him back to the here and now, back to you, kissing his earlobe, his jaw, his neck, before returning briefly to his mouth. "What is it, Ivar?"

 Your lover shrugs, "Nothing, really," and pulls you closer, his hands on your back, his breath on your face, his manly scent enticing you. "Or more accurately…", he whispers in your ear, "… Nothing, yet everything." 

 Not understanding what he's getting at, you keep quiet, just staring at him, confusion obvious in your eyes. He then offers you a mind-blowing smile, and your heart nearly jumps out through your mouth at his next words. 

 "I may be happy. Actually, I think I am."

 🛡⚔️🛡

@honestsycrets​ @lisinfleur​ @waiting4inspiration​ @saldelys​ @gearhead66​ @inforapound​ @readsalot73​ @milkkygirls​ @xbellaxcarolinax​ @shannygoatgruff​ @zuxiezendler​ @a-mess-of-fandoms​ @hecohansen31​ @lonewolf471​ @ivarthebloodyking​ @fuckindiva​ @tgrrose​ @didiintheblog​ @peachyboneless​ @funmadnessandbadassvikings​ @ethereallysimple​ @destynelseclipsa​ @coco2315​ @mlchael-guerin​ @pieces-by-me​

[lexwritess]

hii! i saw that your requests were open and wondered if you could do like an angsty xavier x reader? with the prompts 38. and 19? thank you <3 !

why’d you only call me when your high? [x.p.]

pairing: xavier plymton x reader

warnings: dr*g ab*use, fighting, angst, smut, swearing, cheating, both y/n and xavier are assholes, it’s a fucking lot okay? it’s good tho promise!

college au!

italics is flashbacks

normal text is present time

-

xavier fucking plymton.

you had some sort of an idea what you were getting into once you befriended the gorgeous blonde hair idiot but you never imagined this.

“xav, get over here!” montana shouted among the loud music and drunk students.

“meet my friend y/n! she’s super chill, i think i’m gonna make her join the group.” montana smiles.

“make me?” you raise and eyebrow at the blonde.

“oh yeah, montana isn’t to keen on asking people if they want to do things. you’ll end up doing it anyway.” xavier jokes.

“i guess i just got that kind of charm. i’m gonna go fill my drink!” montana walks away.

“xavier.” xavier introduces himself and extends his arm out to you.

“y/n.” you reply and meet his hand to shake it.

“you go to school here?” you asks xavier.

“no, i do go to the improv classes after school hours though.” he replies, leaning in closer to you.

“oh really that’s cool! what’s your interest in that?” you ask.

“i’m going to be a famous actor!” he says cockily.

“oh yeah?” you ask with an amused smirk on your face.

“yeah, i’m already in tons of commercials.” he gives a smile back to you.

you giggle and look around the cramped frat house.

“you wanna get out of here? there’s a really good pizza place down a couple blocks.” you ask xavier, hoping he agrees.

“hell yeah, this place sucks ass.” xavier says happily and grabs his jacket.

“wait wait wait, you’re telling me you did a commercial for some weird ass dildo in japan?” you laugh loudly.

“shhhh!” xavier laughs and pushes his finger against your slightly chapped lips.

“i didn’t know! it was before i had an agent and i was desperate for a gig.” xavier exclaims.

“mmm, japaneseeee dildoooo.” you giggle abruptly.

“oh my god y/n keep it down! are you sure you’re not drunk?” xavier quirks an eyebrow at you.

“i was just at a frat house for three hours with montana fucking duke as my tour guide...i’m drunk.” you giggle again.

“good point there.” xavier laughs at you.

“you can’t act innocent. you’re just as drunk as me!” you cross your arms and look at him.

“well yes, but i never said i wasn’t.” xavier gives you a smug look and takes a drink of his soda.

“yeah yeah whatever.” you playfully roll your eyes and take the drink out of his hand to take a sip.

“do you have a bucket list?” xavier asks.

“no, i don’t think so? i mean there’s things i wanna do but i don’t have them all sorted out.” you reply, shrugging your shoulders.

“well what’s one thing, anything in the world, you want to do and we’ll go do it?” xavier smiles.

“well...i’ve always wanted to hook up with a famous actor.”

“fuck xav!” you moan out as xavier thrusts increase in speed.

“shit y/n.” xaviers eyes roll back as he breathes deeply.

xavier moves your legs so they’re above his shoulders. making him go deeper, causing you both to moan loudly.

“fuck y/n you’re so fucking tight for me. so fucking tight.” xavier grunts, pining your hands above your head.

“shittt, xavier! i’m going to cum!” you moan into his ear.

“i’m almost there.” xavier says in a breathy voice.

“fuck xavier please!” you plead, tightening around him.

“shit shit...go ahead cum for me!” xavier’s thrusts get sloppy as he gets closer to his peak.

your walls clench around him one last time before you both finish.

“fuck that was good.” you giggle and xavier pulls out with a big smirk on his face.

“glad i could cross that off on your bucket list.” he smiles and gets under the covers.

“goodnight x.” you say sleepily and scoot closer.

“night y/n/n.” xavier says softly and wraps his arms around you before falling asleep.

that’s the night you thought you found your perfect person, but nothings ever perfect.

“we’ve just been on a few dates mon, it’s nothing serious!” you explain to montana.

she had found out about you and xaviers “relationship” you don’t think it’s a big deal. you’re just friends.

“what about all the hot dirty sex i’ve heard about?” montana looks at you with her eyebrows raised.

you rolls your eyes at her.

maybe you and xavier aren’t exactly just friends.

“keep your eyes on the road.” you tell her, avoiding the question.

it was her turn to roll her eyes at you.

“okay, you’re still not answering the question.” montana points out.

“okay! maybe we have sex sometimes but it’s normal! a little...” you give her a sheepish smile and she just laughs at your stupidity.

“don’t tell him but i kind of really like him. i like the way his eyes widen when he talks about acting or the way he gives side comments that fly right over chets head, or the way he has to remake his sandwich when we go out to eat because he has this very specific order-.” you rant while montana cuts you off.

“okay, you’re in love with him! why don’t you date him already!” montana shouts.

“he’s just been distant i don’t know...he’s only been calling me over to hook up i think somethings wrong.” you say glumly.

“you should go over and check on him, his apartment isn’t far away from aaron’s. want me to drop you off?” montana offers.

you debate her offer. you don’t just wanna show up uninvited but you did talk about coming over earlier.

“yeah sure if you don’t mind.”

you knock on the door of the apartment complex waiting for your favorite blonde bimbo.

when there was no answer you turn the handle to see if the door was locked.

you open the door and walk into the house a little.

“xavier?” you call out.

no answer.

“xav?” you ask again walking towards his room.

you smile when you see the sight of xavier sleeping soundly in his bed, little snores leaving his mouth once in a while.

you walk around his room admiring the many polaroids of him and his friends.

you grin when you find the one of the night you met.

you take it off the wall to take a closer took at it but you knock something over.

“oops.” you mutter to yourself and bend down to pick it up.

you pick up a small orange bottle with the words oxycodone written on it.

not prescribed to xavier.

you look at the location it fell and found another bottle of pills.

you don’t bother to look at the lable of it and put the other one back.

“what the hell?” you say quietly, tears brimming your eyes.

“y/n?” a groggy voice fills your ears.

you don’t say anything and walk out of his bedroom out to the kitchen.

“wait y/n where are you going?” xavier asks rushes out to stop you from leaving.

“you didn’t tell me you were an addict.” you say just above a whisper.

xaviers face goes white and he runs a hand through his hair.

“you weren’t suppose to find out like this.” he says quietly.

“were you ever going to tell me?” you ask louder this time, making contact with his icy blue eyes.

“of course i was going to tell you.” xavier grabs you wrist pulling you close to him.

“were you high all the times we hung out?”

“no! not all of them...” xavier looks away uneasy.

“the past couple times we fucked?” you ask him with an attitude.

xavier looks at you and a tear runs down his face.

you scoff and continue to put your shoes on.

“y/n, please don’t go! i’ll stop! i’ll drop the pills.” xavier pleads.

“why do you even want me to stay? you won’t commit to me, you don’t wanna hang out with me normally anymore, and you only call me over when you’re high! im fucking tired xavier!” you shout, tears streaming down your face.

“please, i love you. i’ll stop for you.” xavier pleads again.

“you love me?” you ask him with wide eyes.

“yeah.” xavier breathes, his face inches from yours.

“you promise you’ll stop with the pills?” you ask xavier, extending your pinky finger towards him.

“promise.” xavier whispers and intertwines his pinky with yours.

he technically never did break that promise.

“remind me again why we’re getting ice cream ten o’clock at night?” you ask your group of friends with a smile.

“because we’re fucking cool.” montana replies.

“i wish we would of took a car, it’s freezing out.” brooke shivers.

“here! take my jacket.” chet removes his jacket and places it around brookes shoulders.

“you guys are disgusting.” you laugh, taking a bite of your ice cream.

“oh c’mon y/n/n, let them enjoy being in love!” ray jokes, nudging your shoulder.

“yeah, you’re just mad xavier didn’t show.” chet says while shoving a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.

“wait you told me xavier had an audition?” montana asks you confused.

“i know...i’m sorry i lied. i’m just worried and i didn’t want to think about it.” you say quietly.

the group looks at you with remorse and ray wraps a comforting arm around you.

“guys be careful going around this corner, lots of junkies.” chet says distastefully.

everyone picks up the pace a little walking down the alleyway to get back to the main street.

you turn your head to look towards a group of people when you recognize someone familiar.

“holy shit.” you say with tears brimming your eyes.

“guys be quiet and fast now.” you say urgently and you quickly get back to the main road.

“y/n what’s wrong?” brooke asks.

“xav-xavier was back there.” you say with a shaky breath.

“i think i’m going to head out...i’ll see you at home tana. thanks for ice cream.” you say quickly, walking past them to haul down a cab.

you got and the cab and told the driver to go to Arrow street.

which is not where your apartment is, but xaviers.

you had a key to his apartment so you just let yourself in and sat on the couch waiting for him to come home.

that’s until you saw a glimpse of orange in the garbage.

needles.

you didn’t want it to be true you did everything you could to try to convince yourself it was for something medical, but the more you looked around the apartment and saw the scattered needles in his bedroom you couldn’t.

“y/n, shit you scared me!” xavier laughs nervously.

“you disgust me.” you say say standing up, turning around to face him.

“what?” xavier knots his eyes brows in confusion.

“listen, you don’t think i know but i fucking know. i know you xavier. you’re not secretive i know when you’re not yourself, but heroin! seriously?” you ask the boy you love with tears streaming down your cheeks.

“babe-.”

“no! don’t do that shit! you’re in deep shit now. you know that? i do everything for you and you don’t make me feel like it’s worth it...you make me feel worthless! you lie to me, you’re high every time we’re together, and you blow me off to go buy dirty needles off junkies! it fucking hurts!” you scream, finally telling xavier how you feel.

“is it all worth it? is being high all the time worth it? it is worth to lose me?” you ask bitterly.

“no, no it’s not...” xavier says quietly as a tear rolls down his face.

“then why don’t you get help!” you say with anger.

“i will! i will please, one more chance just give me one more chance please!” xavier sobs.

you direct your gaze towards the floor as xavier steps closer to you.

“one more chance.” xavier says again, grabbing the side of your face, tilting your head up to look at him.

“are you high right now?” your voice hoarse from the fighting earlier.

“no, and i’ll flush the rest of them down the toilet right now.”

and you gave him another chance, and another chance, and another fucking chance.

always luring you with the dates, his jokes, the sex, his charm, the i love yous, and you would forgive him every time.

almost every time.

“how could you?” you say with a shaky voice, tears threatening to spill.

xavier told you that he wanted to have a movie night later that night, but when 8 o’clock rolled around and you walked into his room, you wish you never would of went.

seeing a girl on her knees in front of your boyfriend and him enjoying it killed you.

“you need to leave now.” you tell the girl.

she muttered a sorry and left the apartment.

xavier opened his mouth to say something but you didn’t want to hear it.

“don’t fucking lie to me right now, is this the first time?” you ask.

“no, i’ll never do it again please-.”

“xavier!” you say sternly.

xavier inhales sharply. “no this isn’t the first time, i’m sorry.” he sighs.

“you’re always sorry aren’t you? did you guys fuck?” you ask, clearly irritated with xavier.

“yes.” you can barely hear him.

“i fucking hate you xavier plymton...you ruined me!” you shout, letting all your emotions wash over you.

“you know it’s not like you’ve been fucking perfect either!” xavier yells, he’s never yelled at you like this before.

“i didn’t fucking cheat on you!”

“you’ve been distant. when i need you, you’re not here. you’re out drinking, or hanging out with fucking ray! i needed someone so sorry i was fucking that bitch but you weren’t here.” xavier shoots back.

“are you fucking blaming me? the only reason i’m drinking and hanging out with ray is because you choose drugs over everyone! you’re not the same guy i fell in love with. you say you love me xavier but it doesn’t feel like it...” your sentence trails off at the end, you’re not sure you can argue much longer you’re feeling yourself breaking.

“well maybe it’s because i don’t love you! you’re always on my back and you never shut the fuck up!” xavier hisses.

you’re speechless.

xavier doesn’t love you?

you can see the regret in his face after the words leave his mouth.

“don’t talk to me ever again, i swear to god xavier. never again.” you say as calm as possible, leaving the apartment building.

you go outside and let all your emotions out. your back slides against the wall as you bury yourself in your knees and start sobbing.

you pull out your phone and try your best to see through your teary vision for montana’s contact.

“y/n what’s up?” she asks.

“mon, i, i really need you to come pick me up.” you hiccup.

“shit, of course. where are you?” montana asks with concern.

“xaviers...”

you hear her sigh on the other side of the phone.

“be there in 5.”

“that son of a bitch! i’m so sorry y/n, this is my fault.” montana rubs your back for comfort.

“it’s not your fault, he changed.” you say, your voice raspy from all the screaming and crying.

“i just, i don’t think i can see him for a long time.” you say quietly, burying your face into your pillows.

“fuck, y/n my works calling, i’ll be back im going to call off.” montana starts walking out of your room.

“no, i’ll be fine. don’t call off.” you tell her.

“no, y/n it’s fine.”

“mon you call off all the time, they’ll fire you.” you give a little laugh.

“are you sure?” she sighs heavily.

“yes! now go i’ll see you later.” you shoo her away.

you never thought that day could of got worse.

you groan at the noise of someone knocking at your door.

“montana you have a key!” you complain, going to open the door.

you’re taken a back when you open the door to see two police officers.

“can i help you?” you ask nervously.

“you are y/n y/l/n, correct?” the one on the left asks.

“yes, am i in trouble?” you ask confused.

“no of course not, you’re number one in xavier plymtons emergency contacts so we decided to come to you.” the other answers.

you blood runs cold as a million possibilities rack through your brain.

“we regret to inform you that xavier has passed.”

you swear your vision went black for a second.

he’s not gone.

he can’t be gone.

“what, what happened? i-i just saw him two hours.” you stutter.

“he was found outside his apartment, needle in his arm-.” the woman officer cuts her partner off and mumbles something about being to blunt.

“he overdosed, heroin. i’m so sorry baby.” she looks at you with pitty.

“thanks for telling me...” you say so quiet you’re surprised they heard you.

they say goodbye again and you shut the door.

“no,no,no,no!” you scream falling to the ground.

“why the fuck would you do that? why why why why?” you tell again, tugging at your hair.

you let out a loud, heartbreaking sob and fall onto your knees.

“i didn’t mean what i said...i didn’t mean it i wanted you to talk to me i was just angry. you were angry. fuck fuck!” you wail out again.

xavier fucking plymton .

[wavemaker9]

"people have an easier time falling asleep around her and sleep heavier than usual" hey so thinking about this re: Trine

because i know a joke's been that trine would be more awake than the other companions so could catch more things, but hey, them being affected by this instead in the version where they're both in camp. and like, they'd still sleep way less than the others. you add 25 to everyone's sleep meter and people who were at 50 or 75 get way closer to if not at fully out, but trine starts at zero and is still under half sleep compared to others, but 25 is still way more sleepy than what it would have been and honestly would spook them a bit, especially early on without knowing why.

Like, imagine Trine actually getting an even decent if not good night's sleep for once. either trine's already joined and then abaddon joins the party after, or trine joins new, and just one day out of the blue, for the first time in over a decade, they don't take approx 20 years to reach a shallow-at-best sleep. the party is out in the wilderness and also there's an ever growing number of other people who will make their own noises in the middle of the night and trine expects to be in and out of sleep all night with all the different sounds. even knowing it's coming, knowing most if not all of those sounds are NOT threats, their body can't help it and they've learned to see it as a positive at this point (largely because what else can they do). sure, they don't remember what a peaceful night was like, but hey! they're alive! that's a good trade off, right? (star wars meme voice) right?

but they lay their head down and it's not out like a light, but it's faster than they even knew was possible. they don't even notice falling asleep. they wake up and they're a little startled to be honest, when it's suddenly sunny out again. i had this thought of like, in a trine only situation, them running into this once post-game with astarion, the first time they genuinely feel safe enough to doze off a little more fully, and it's startling waking up. they're usually so hyperly aware of their night. they'll doze off in little pieces, sure, but they're aware the night is passing, none of this "close your eyes and it's morning" crap, what is that???? it's the jarring sense of waking up from a nap and you need to remember what day it is.

maybe they think it's the worm and/or the dream guardian. the worm wants them to be at their full strength, get some sleep bud, you need it. the dream guardian has some effect on dreams, maybe it can affect sleep as a whole, make them sleep more deeply than they normally would. doesn't even consider it'd be abaddon's fault and why would they???? and hey, either way, that probably becomes their working hypothesis for a while! because if they pried to see who else ran into the same situation, pretty much everyone else would say they did! only one who wouldn't is abaddon, who's been having nightmares and can't remember how normal that is. they sure didn't encounter this before the worm, and even if there was a long rest or two before one or the other joined, could be attributed to a slow effect of the symptoms. so clearly something's weird with abaddon but looks like we found another side effect of the worm. that's wild. astarion voice someone's changed the rules and all that. trine, again, would internally hate it. sure, it's nice being able to sleep well, sure did kinda miss that, but it makes them SO uneasy. how can they protect themself properly if they're getting a full night's rest???

honestly, they might NOT do the poke-the-bear questioning of abaddon's "hey how would you kill the camp in their sleep if you could? not me tho i'd wake up i'm different" because like. the very real consideration that abaddon COULD get close enough to slit their throat or cut out their tongue or slice off their face before they woke up is genuinely pretty concerning. huh, it's weird about that, huh trine? weird how you sleeping more soundly could make it easier for them to kill you. wild.

also, later, after halsin's saved and joins the party, getting the further confirmation there that it's probably not the worms actually. talking to halsin, trying to learn about him, standard affair, but the question comes up about how he's been handling camp life so far and he answers that it's better than he expected, had a surprisingly restful night, that sort of thing. trine ???? questions that further and confirms similar symptoms, easier time sleeping, slept more deeply; maybe it's just being outside of a prison cell but had a very good night! halsin smiles about it, but trine internally like wtf. that CAN'T just be a coincidence but halsin doesn't have a worm so. what the FUCK. back to research then, need to figure out what the fuck is going on.

though also!!! thinking about that pic again of astarion trine and abaddon snoozing and hey. way way late game, trine actually getting more rest and being able to somewhat enjoy it. no longer sleeping in a camp with people they don't know or trust (mostly). might possibly be okay to sleep a little more soundly and not die by morning. just perhaps!

thinking about abaddon, as i usually am these days. idle talking about her being an aasimar under the cut, mostly fun flavor text in the form of divine physical and metaphysical traits

Keep reading

[seeuonadarknite]

as a friend — yandere haiba lev x f. reader

request: Yandere Lev Haiba with shy reader who is Nekoma's manager and has has a crush on him ever since he joined? Everyone knows about her crush including Lev who is fed up with her denying it, even to his face 💕 btw I love your icon, I have the same one on Twitter but not pink lol

❀ ooh ty! at the time this was requested my pfp was just a manga icon that i overlapped w/ pink ahaha. hope you enjoy this tho! i am so sorry if lev is ooc i’m bad at writing him.

warnings: manipulation, nonconsensual touching, toxic relationships

"I.. I like you as a friend."

You timidly fiddled your fingers, despondently hanging your head low. As much as it pained you to feign your emotions and hide the fact that you did in fact have feelings for the lanky Russian, you were almost positive that they were unrequited. There was no way in hell that you were going to risk ruining your valuable friendship over something as trivial as a schoolgirl crush.

If only you were aware of how utterly frustrating it was for the male you had evidently been pining after. You'd deny your feelings for him time after time, but your actions spoke louder than your words. You made it obvious in the way that you clearly favored him over all of the other team members.

"Come on, [y/n]! I know that you like me. Heh, don't deny it!" Although his words were playful, it was hard to ignore the frustration that laced his tone as spoke. He was tired of you denying your feelings like a stubborn brat.

"N-Not true..! I have to go." Sending him one last sheepish grin, you bowed, stammering out a dozen apologies to the male you had let down once again. However, before he could even muster up a response, you were hurriedly making your way towards the two large gym doors.

If there was one thing that scared you more than public speaking, it was confrontation. Nerves were hitting you like a runway truck, and if you lingered around for much longer you'd surely end up humiliating yourself in front of the boy you deeply admired.

A frown tore across the middle blocker's face as he dejectedly watched you depart. Watching you scurry away after rejecting his advances seemed to be a sight he had grown used to.

This was probably the third time this week that he had pulled you aside after practice in order to try and confront you about your feelings. Perhaps he was getting.. too aggressive. Why would a timid girl like you openly admit to your feelings after being repeatedly cornered by the male in question?

He needed to have a change in plan. It was possible that the reason you wouldn't confess to him was due to the fact that you feared rejection. That just meant that all he needed to do to win you over was prove that you truly had nothing to fear, and that he adored you just as much as you did him. If not more.

Unlike you, Lev was very open about his feelings and had no issue with outwardly displaying his overbearing affections.

This would be a walk in the park for him.

It was during your lunch break that Lev had casually snuck up behind you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder. The gesture in itself sent anxiety shooting through every nerve of your body. Was he trying to embarrass you in front of your entire lunch table?

What made matters worse was the fact that this wasn't the first display of affection that you've been shown by him today. Ever since you stepped foot into the densely populated school, Lev has been clinging to you like a bloodsucking leech.

"[y/n], I didn't know you had a boyfriend." Your best friend skeptically eyed the taller male's lanky arm slung around your shoulder. She had every right to be suspicious; you would immediately tell her about something as big as this.

You couldn't help but tremble in fear as your self proclaimed boyfriend squeezed your shoulder with his large hand. You wanted to frantically deny it, shake your head at rapid speeds, but you felt threatened with the way that his catlike eyes locked onto yours.

On any normal circumstance, you'd feel comfortable and at ease around the happy-go-lucky middle blocker. He had a chipper personality that made it easy for just about anyone to be around him. But ever since you bashfully rejected his claim last night, he's been acting extremely out of character. He's basically resorted to forcing himself upon you. It felt as if his goofy personality was nothing but a false front put on to bait people in.

"Yeah! She was so shy about it— I had to make the first move!" The way he naturally carried his words caused your stomach to twist into a tight knot. What the hell was he on about? Sure, you had feelings for him, but you never agreed on a relationship. This wasn't the Lev that you knew.

As you parted your lips to retaliate, you felt Lev's swift hand drift down from your shoulder to your waist. He squeezed the curve as if telling you that what he was doing was natural, and that you had no reason to deny his claims. Isn't this what you had initially wanted? Lev's treating you like a princess. You shouldn't be acting so difficult.

Inhaling a deep breath, you tentatively leaned into Lev's side, sending your gawking friends a plastic smile. This is what you wanted, you would remind yourself. The boy of your dreams is finally all yours, and you're rightfully his. But something about the concept of belonging to Lev sent chills running up your spine.

With the way that his arm remained possessively locked around your frame, saying you felt uneasy was an understatement. His obsession with getting you to come out of your shell and admit your feelings permeated his goofy personality. It made him delusional.

One could say you found comfort in the way that his lopsided smile sent jolts of warmth through your body. But his current behavior was far from lighthearted and bubbly. It was stained with obsession.

Lev seemed to notice the way you quivered in fear as he rested his head on top of yours, because after shooting your skeptical friends one last plastic smile, he moved his head and placed a sloppy kiss under your ear.

"Don't act so frightened, I know you've fantasized about me like this." If it wasn't for the fact that his mouth was directly beside your ear, you wouldn't have been able to hear his hushed coos.

If only you hadn't rejected his advances time after time, you would've been in this exact position. Only instead of fear coiling in the pits of your stomach, you would've felt fluttering butterflies tickling at your senses. This was all your fault.

You had created a monster.

[calcifermovesthecastle]

Comforting a S/O Who just went through something traumatic

Bucciarati, Polnareff, Kakyoin, Josuke, P4Jotaro, Gyro, Giorno,

Warnings: mentions of abuse, injury. Read at your own discretion, I don’t actually write the whole scenario out, just the after effects. I’m kinda using this to help with my own trauma

Jotaro: 

-He’s the first person you think of calling, your hands trembling as you try to tell him through the phone what happened. 

-obv you break down and he tells you to calm down, he’ll be there soon. 

-Stays on the phone with you, just to make sure you’re safe until He can get to you. 

-Will put his hands on your shoulders and check over you, making sure you’re not injured. 

-if he finds even a hint of a bruise or a cut, he’s mad. 

-Especially if it’s caused by someone else. 

-Tells you to calm down again, briefly wrapping his arms around you

-His presence is anchoring, and his calm demeanor really helps you wind down from the initial panic reaction. 

-He’ll take you back to his place and make sure you eat and drink something before making you lie down, telling you not to worry, he’ll take care of it. 

-Will stay with you until he’s comfortable with you being alone.

Kakyoin:

-doesn’t even question why you’re freaking out, is just by your side as soon as possible, making sure you’re physically okay

-If you’re not, he focuses on that first, getting you to a point where you are. 

-Tells you to calm down before you try to explain what happened, and will help in whatever way you need. 

-Rubs your arms and massages your hands, talking to you if it makes you feel better but keeping quiet if that’s what you prefer. 

-”Do you want to come stay with me for a couple days? I just want to make sure you’re safe, and that you’ll be okay.” 

-turns into a helicopter boyfriend tbh. 

-His presence is quite calming though. He doesn’t outwardly show his emotions and he’s very good about keeping his cool, so having that really helps you get a grip on reality

-If you’re in tears, babe, his shoulder is right there. You don’t have to ask. Cry it out. 

-Rest Rest Rest. You need to process, but he knows you’re going to be fatigued after dealing with a life blow like this. 

-He takes what you went through and how you deal with it very seriously. 

Josuke:

-Bear Hugs. B E A R HUGS. (Josuke is a very touchy feely person, even in Canon. You would know this about him before going into a relationship. his arms will be around you in no time.)

-He will hold you tight, standing or sitting, and let you cry yourself out. 

-If you’re injured, he’s already healed you. that’s how this works.

-Listen I love this goofball because he’s a goofball but he also knows when it’s important to be serious, and this is one of those times. 

-He gets on your level with things. He can’t help you all the way unless he knows what happened, and when you tell him, he sees red knowing that you’re going to be hurting for a while because of it. 

-Seeing you shaken shakes him and it makes him feel better to have you in his arms, but obv if you start to get claustrophobic he’ll let go

-Depending on what the situation was determines how he’ll take care of it. If it was caused by another person, he’ll deal with them himself.  

-Don’t expect to leave his arms for the next couple days (Weeks) 

-He’s such a teddy bear honestly. Lots of cuddles and distractions. He’ll kick your ass in mario kart and dollop whipped cream on your nose just to kiss it off. You’re sticking close to him. 

-He’s going to do everything in his power to make sure you’re safe and to help you recover. 

Polnareff: 

-Ngl he’s quite nervous and uneasy to see you shaken like this but handles the whole thing with grace. 

-He’ll wipe tears off your face and calm you down to the point where you can tell him what happened. 

-He wears his heart on his sleeve so he’s going to take care of the cause of the problem before focusing on you. 

-once the problem is eliminated, and it can’t traumatize you again, he’s going to swoop you into his arms and press kisses into your temple

-”Hey angel, come stay with me for a few days. I think it’ll help if you have someone you can trust close by.” 

-He absolutely will make you hot chocolate and let you cuddle up to him, fall asleep on him, whatever you need. He’s going to be there for you no matter what. 

-If he leaves you alone and you start panicking, he’s going to get back to you in no time, cupping your face in his hands and telling you that he’s right here. 

-”Hey, angel, I’m going to go cook us some dinner, d’you wanna come join me in the kitchen?” 

-Doesn’t want you dealing with any of this pain alone. If he could carry it all for you, he would, but he understands that that’s not how it works. He’ll carry you tho

-Is one of the best people to just sit and talk it out with tbh. He’s a wonderful listener. 

Bucciarati: 

-You’re knocking (Pounding) on his front door in the middle of the night or smthn

-He answers, half asleep, catching you as you tumble in, in the middle of a panic attack, trying to tell him what happened. He wakes up pretty much immediately when he sees the state you’re in

-Immediately sits you down at his kitchen table, crouching in front of you with your hands in his. Are you injured? If so, where? Is it life threatening? Can he treat it there? Okay he can handle that, let’s get your breathing under control. 

-”Hey, hey, look at me. You’re safe now, it’s okay. Deep breath. That’s it, just like that.” 

-Probably the best person to calm you down from a panic attack out of everyone on this list tbh. 

-Once he’s got you to a point where you’re coherent, he gets the story out of you and tells you not to worry about it, He’s going to take care of it. But right now, he’s more focused on what you need in the moment. 

-Cups your face in his hands and tells you he wants you to stay with him, just for a night or two, just so he can keep an eye on you. It’ll also give him time to deal with the situation if he knows you’re in a safe location. 

-If you ask, he will let you share his bed. He’ll give you comfortable clothes and tuck you in himself honestly. 

-If contact is what you need, he gives it to you, holding you against him, letting you hold on for as long as you need. 

-Whatever happens, he does worry about you and cares about you a lot, so just tell him how he can help and he’s going to be there to help. 

Giorno: 

-He is SO gentle with you.

-You’ll have to seek him out, but he’s the first one you go to, the only one on your mind, and when you find him, you stumble into his arms, freaking out, choking out a few words to give him an idea of what happened. 

-If you’re injured and it’s something Gold Experience can fix, he’s going to fix it right away. 

-Lets you hold onto him and wear yourself out, stroking your hair, rubbing your back, and murmuring words of comfort to you. 

-If you’re in public he’ll guide you somewhere more private so you don’t have to deal with any unwanted attention. 

-His touch is feather light, but it also envelopes you in warmth and security. He’s so safe to be around. You’ll calm down fast in his arms. 

-”I don’t think it’s a good Idea for you to be alone until we get this settled. Come stay with me for a while.”

-He’ll keep an arm wrapped around your waist while you walk, and if you fall asleep on him, he’s not going to move until you wake up. 

-If it was someone else who caused this type of situation, he’s going to deal with them personally. Anybody that makes you hurt like this isn’t safe. 

-Gives you as long as you need to process what happened, and is there with you every step of the way. He’s gentle and soft spoken and makes you feel Safe and okay. 

Gyro: 

-If you need him, he’ll come. He cares deeply for you. 

-He will use his steel balls as a tool to get you to calm down so you can tell him what happened. 

-Need a hug? His arms are open. He’ll trace circles into the small of your back until you’re quieted down. 

-He’ll press his lips into the top of your head and pull you into his lap, checking you over to make sure you aren’t injured. If you are, well, he is a doctor. He can take care of you. 

-”Alright, Doll, from the top. What happened?” 

-Will continue tracing circles into your body while you tell him what happened, using his thumbs to brush tears out of your eyes, and make sure you get lots of water in you. 

-His first priority is making sure you’re safe and cared for. Once those are accounted for, he can focus on what caused the problem.  if he can take care of the root of the problem, he’s going to.

-He has no problem letting you lean on him for as long as you need. PDA doesn’t make him claustrophobic, so if anything, if you’re the one who doesn’t want to be touched, tell him, because he’s going to be hanging off of you. 

- He won’t tell you not to be upset or scared. If you’re shaken up, he’ll be right there to help you process and recover, no matter the time of day. 

-If you’re freaking out, he’s very calm about the whole thing. If you tell him you cant calm down, he’ll take your face in his hands and tell you you can. “It’s okay. Yes you can. Deep breath. You can do it, just give yourself a minute. You’re going to be okay, I���m here to help.” 

[henlex]

@bonknanab here's your taeho reading💕💖💕💖💕 get ready to be emotional

This is so long rip

P1harmony:

Theo🤝Keeho

Sun

Theo: Cancer, uwu. Protective sweethearts. That mom energy. But can be v protective of themselves too. That's the kind of the hard exterior you could see A Lot when he was first in camera, and the shy aurora even tho he's an extrovert. He's just trying to protect his soft self from the world. They really like to feel safe (kinda like taurus) they like to have a home that's secure so they tend to resist change. They can be pretty sentimental. They're guided by their emotions. They're pretty vulnerable and have a deep capacity for love. Very sensitive, can get hurt easily. Can be touchy, dependable and caring

Keeho: libra, air. Very sociable, just really love being with people. Very approachable. They really like balance but they can unintentionally cause problems because they spread themselves too thin. They really have good intentions but they could 100% lie to not create waves. Theyll kind of do anything to keep the peace. They can be pretty indirect/ hate confrontation, which can drive some people mad (🙋🏼‍♀️its me😂)Real masterful at avoiding things. They have high expectations and tend to compare things.

Moons

Theo- scorpio: I love this boy so much wow😭

He's and emotional boyyy. So he really likes emotional intensity. He feels things really deeply. They can really see through to the soul of a person. They unconsciously get uneasy when things are too calm/ easy and might seek emotional excitement/ drama. All or nothing. They dont want flings, they dont start things unless they'll finish them. Ok so they love commitment, they seek it ok, but they're also super cautious and suspicious of everyone. They tend to unintentionally test the people in their lives for loyalty...But after theyve committed they're incredibly loyal and protective😭Some people can be intimidated by them but others are drawn to them. They seem to just know things, crazy good intuition.

Keeho-Aqua, air. Unique, used to being different, shy kids. They're kind of detached and like to observe and try to understand others. So he has pretty strong barriers. They're pretty sociable but still have the heart of a loner☹. They really love letting other people know they're different and possibly shocking them. They brag about their loved ones uwu. General kindness towards others. Can be willful. The need a certain amount of freedom, and are pretty independent, at least emotionally.

Mercury

Theo- gemini, air. Scattered, eclectic interests. They have a basic knowledge of a lot of things. Quick learners, take in a lot from their environments. Can become restless. They can be very logical (but his water definitely adds the emotion and intuition) Very adaptable, not very attached to their ideals. Smooth talkers, possible deceptive humor (like poking at someones weakness, but lightheartedly) Good communicators and decision makers.

Keeho- libra....this boy is all air wtf. These people irk me because if you take a stance they automatically take the opposite "so it's equal"

Anyway they strive for that equality and diplomacy. Very pleasing communicators. They might be focused on trying to sound smart they forget to listen to the other person😂 They're gentle and adapt to others comfort levels. They are always looking for compromise, they hate absolutes in opinion. Great mediators (wow great leader) They can get lost in indecision because they weigh the good and bad almost endlessly. HELP it's hard for them to give a compliment without adding something 😂BOY. They try to make everyone happy. They tend to need other people to make a decision....but when they give input this mf will probably choose the other option💆🏼‍♀️

Venus

Theo- taurus- I want to give this boy a hugggg😭

So they need to be comfy. They need dependability in their relationships. Can be possessive in love. They're very touchy in their affection. They do hate change but they are incredibly dependable. To win them over you need to show your loyalty and show how much they mean to you. They can take a while to warm up but that's just because they're a slow/ cautious earth sign. Dont push them, but get comfy with them, do cozy things together. " Harmony and peace are important factors in the art and music they are attracted to." They really said harmony💖

Keeho- virgo, earth. Not flirty👀👀 pffft ok. Tries to win someone over with devotion and showing them a ton of attention. Cautious, slowly makes his way into their heart. Sensitive and insecure in love😭 They need to know feelings are mutual before they make a move..... Can childishly tease their crush💆🏼‍♀️ But they have good intentions. They arent attracted to show offs, they like understated, unnoticed people. These people love quietly helping and doing the little things. You'll win them over if you recognize their efforts, they just want to be appreciated.

Mars

Theo- sagittarius, fire.

When they feel attacked or threatened they have the need to run and just go do something else. Then they come back. It's really go for these people to be physically active, they need a healthy outlet. Can be pretty scattered, they just do what they want to in that moment which can mean leaving a ton of projects unfinished. Optimistic, fun loving. Love a good debate, but with his gem mercury I highly doubt it would get as heated as with a less flexible sign (like me). Passionate, open-minded, but can be blunt. Lol they can be confusing because they go from fun loving to intense. They need space and freedom, probably not a ton cuz he is a cancer, but like freedom to express himself. They have grand and idealistic ideas.

Skip S*x mentions: ok so doesnt have a lot of patience for anything too complex. Loves to have fun and laugh. Lowkey selfish. Can be very direct but almost innocently? Not a fan of people playing hard to get. They dont care for anything to serious in the bedroom (idk this might not be so true with his other placements, but the emotions probably come right after.

Keeho- cap, earth: this boy is v interesting.

Lowkey energy LOL. Very determined. Very goal oriented and focused. They like to be on top of everything. They have a lot of self control. They like to be in control. Really reliable, great leader.

*Straightforward and simple. Will want to keep it v private. They like when they're with someone who's experienced and powerful.

Messy thoughts

Ok but keeho would love theos mercury because hes unlikely to have extreme opinions and they're both very adaptable, I can imagine them getting into any serious arguments at all. I know keeho would annoy me so much but theo is probably totally fine. K- want to go to A ot B for dinner? T- B,  K- ok but what if we go to A. T- ya that's fine. Like wow🤝

Earth venuses😭😭😭😭 they're actually perfect dont touch me. Needs dependability/ wins you over with dependability. Perfection. They both play the long game, slow burn. Keeho literally is attracted to wall flowers goodbye. Just say theo is your soulmate and leave. Keeho called theo his love for a reasonnnn also theo fr didnt say anything cuz yes we are each others love.

They both need their own space

Ok so I think theo would really appreciate keeho non-confrontational self because theos pretty sensitive 😭

It's really looking like theo is the type of person to get lost in their emotions and keeho could really help pull him out of that and help him just chill? Have fun?

Ok sooooo their moons are not the bestttt. Cuz scorp is super emotional and deep and aqua is like... detached. Their emotional selves are very different. But also they could be so intrigued by each other, like trying to understand wtf is going on in their heads.

Ok but theo can 100% see passed keehos emotional barriers and like See him. And I feel like keeho might not have ever felt that before and😭😭😭 idk they could be really really close.

Keeho sounds so sweet and perfect for theo. Always making sure hes comfy😭

(They really both said keep it simple in the bedroom. Like damn ok, keep being a perfect match)

[kivaember]

#their dynamic to me is that Freud is unapologetically honest about his desires while Rusty is deeply repressed on multiple levels#and yet they end up shockingly similar and that kinda scares the ppl around them#Rusty lies to arquebus for survival sure; but he also lies to himself about how much he cares about 621 or how prideful he is#and even tho he started out with the squeaky clean V.IV Persona by the time of wallclimber Snail dislikes him#which I took as a sign he’s showing cracks in the persona and becoming more visibly jaded and cocky#add in the fact his acceptance of the kill Michigan mission; I think he probably really lets loose when fighting Balam#lets him vent out his repressed anger about the corpos with zero guilt about the RLF and gets him positive respect from the brass#which to O’keefe probably makes him seem a bit like a mini Freud in the making; someone who only really lights up in the AC#maybe Flatwell is a little unnerved how Rusty chooses the solid spike weapons. like he can tell his kid is a little too cruel after it all#idk I really like the idea that the V.Iv persona of a flirty cocky flyboy eventually corrupts rusty into a narrative foil to Freud so much#anyway good work on Decoding it’s very fun to see Rusty get hunted for once

hello this amazing analysis in the tags??? i totally agree with this, that being V.IV Rusty has corrupted him in ways that makes even Flatwell uneasy. I've hinted at it a little in APV, where Rusty acknowledges that after returning from the Vespers, he's noticed Flatwell giving him looks when he thought he wasn't looking, and Ziyi telling him that he's changed, and it's because you can't spent 10 years under a mask without parts of that mask becoming real in parts.

like, honestly i used Garrus from mass effect as inspiration for writing Rusty, because i feel that type of character works for him: good intentions that get kind of twisted by his own arrogance and anger (and an anger that manifests as a cruel streak towards what he percieves as "acceptable" targets (the corps)). like imagine how much he had to swallow down and repress when brownnosing his way into the Vespers, and had to work alongside corporate mercenaries in oppressing other colonies all for the company's bottom line? he'd have to have some ways to vent all that anger and disgust without blowing his cover, and i can easily see him using AC piloting to do just that.

AND WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE STEEL HAZE ORTUS BOSS FIGHT is that when you trigger his "I won't stop!!" his next few lines sound deranged in a way that actually reminded me of Freud. He sounds more composed (albeit the line is all crackly), but the words and the way where he sounds like he's talking more to himself than to 621 just made me think about when Freud was being all "what a glorious view..." I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS but it felt like a peek into Rusty's put-together veneer finally unspoolling.

And yes, with Flatwell, I feel like he regrets sending Rusty to Earth, because he knew the corps would chew him and spit him back out completely warped, because Flatwell experienced it himself first hand, but he was able to compartmentalise his time there and come out mostly intact whereas Rusty's definitely showing the cracks by the time of Wallclimber. (I remember Snail's "who's also becoming brazen as of late", which makes me wonder if, like you said, Rusty was becoming increasingly cocky and saying somewhat disparaging things about the mission on Rubicon, which had Snail drawing parallels to Freud in a negative way).

AND SPEAKING OF FREUD, SWINGING BACK ROUND! I really do think by the time of Eliminate the Redguns, Freud and Rusty were scarily similar, but where Snail had Freud's measure and knew how to keep him on a somewhat controllable leash (Freud's basic desire to pilot an AC and find strong opponents to test himself against), Snail didn't have that for Rusty. V.IV, to him, threatened to become an attack dog that might turn around and bite him at any moment, and that's probably what prompted him to send Rusty after 621 in the Depths in hopes of getting him killed (I'm genuinely thinking Snail was betting on 621 winning that fight, rather than Rusty, and he was right... it was just that Rusty was willing to flee rather than fight to the death - because unlike Freud he's not there to fight to the glorious death, he's there for another purpose and dying to 621 then wasn't productive towards that purpose). It'd make sense why there was no retaliation on Arquebus's end when Rusty failed to report back, and why they just send a polite notice to 621 like "ok you can stop the survey now", because from Snail's point of view, 621 just handily got rid of a potential rogue element, and he had an ambush plan for 621 anyways, so everything was being neatly tied up in a bow.

BUT I'LL STOP RAMBLING THERE BC I'LL GO ON FOREVER but yes to Rusty and Freud being narrative foils to one another... and how V.IV persona warped Rusty into something a little more ruthless, cruel and arrogant (and how Flatwell regrets this everyday).

I LOVE FREUD/RUSTY this ship has been living in my head rent free ever since i had the passing "teehee this'll be a funny crackship" thought and i feel for the oldest trap in the book. the crackship trap. it never stays a crackship. NEVER.

anyway, who else likes freud/rusty... who else is low-key (ab)normal about them... im sitting here vibrating at the speed of light about them...

[flightfoot]

Abuse and how it plays into Identity in Tower of Nero

While abuse has played a role in previous Trials of Apollo books, and in the Greco-Roman main series as a whole, Tower of Nero digs into it most deeply.

Identity and recovery from abuse are deeply linked here, with much of the abuse recovery coming from forging an identity separate from the abuser.

Previously it mostly came up in The Hidden Oracle and The Burning Maze, with Meg’s relationship with Nero prompting Apollo to examine his own relationship with Zeus. 

Apollo knew in the back of his head that Zeus was abusing him, that his rage against the Cyclopes for creating the lightning bolt Zeus used to murder Asclepius, for instance, was him redirecting his anger onto a safer target because raging against Zeus directly was so unsafe, but he tried not to let himself think about it too much, and he tried to fool himself into thinking that Zeus DID care about him, that he loved him, at least enough that he’d help him if he saw him in trouble. 

Seeing Meg with Nero, how he manipulated her, how he subtly blamed her for anything bad that happened around her, for anything HE did, while trying to seem gentle and kind; seeing the abuse he went through reflected in this young girl led him to cope with his own abuse better. 

His experiences with abuse, with Zeus treating him as a scapegoat and ‘forcing’ him to punish Apollo if he stepped out of line, with his own feelings about the abuse and his own coping mechanisms and behavior as a result, are a useful reference for understanding and helping Meg through her experiences with Nero.

And helping her cope, separate, and try to grow after being manipulated by Nero for so long? Helps him come to terms with his own experiences.

He’s pretty explicit about the comparisons too. Like when Meg talks about how Lu used to help her pretend to kill people for Nero, helped her how she could, but Apollo’s mostly just horrified that Lu stuck around and didn’t take Meg and run... and yet part of him understood.

And are you any better? taunted a small voice in my brain. How many times have you stood up to Zeus?

Okay, small voice. Fair point. Tyrants are not easy to oppose or walk away from, especially when you depend on them for everything. (TON 57)

Lu may not have been quite as dependent on Nero as say, Meg - at least psychologically. Lu’s not a child by any means. 

But Lu’s only immortal because Nero is, and he can, presumably, revoke that. Nero provides her employment, a home, probably her entire social circle, AND he has the power and the will to go after her and anyone she cares about if she strays, if she tries to defy him. 

In those ways, her situation mirrors Apollo’s even better than Meg’s does - and while he’s angry at her for not defying Nero, he also understands. 

I suspect part of his anger and suspicion at her is also anger and suspicion of himself, for falling into a similar trap.

Still, though Lu has her own baggage with Nero, Meg’s is focused on a lot more, with how she’s grown and changed, and her desire to hang onto who she’s become while separated from Nero, to hang onto her own identity and personality and not what Nero attempted to shape her into. 

It’s to the point that she can barely comprehend who she was under him, how she used to think, what she did.

“I betrayed you once,” she said. “Right here in these woods.”

She didn’t sound sad or ashamed about it, the way she once might have. She spoke with a sort of dreamy disbelief, as if trying to recall the person she’d been six months ago. That was a problem I could relate to. (TON 114)

Meg hasn’t really changed at her core as much as Apollo has - as much as she’s gone through, she at least wasn’t much of a jerk in the first place. Well, relatively speaking, when compared to Apollo. She’s abrasive, but not much beyond that.

But she HAS changed, in large part BECAUSE she’s more able and willing to stand up for herself in ways that she couldn’t do remotely safely while with Nero. She’s broken free of his psychological hold. 

During The Hidden Oracle she was ALREADY rebelling against him, she refused to burn the woods, but... well, she DID go with him, DID believe she could change him for awhile. 

But she broke free after realizing he wouldn’t, escaped and returned to Apollo, freeing herself from Nero’s grasp once more. 

For her, I think the difference between who she was six months ago and who she is now has less to do with her actual personality and worldview - those haven’t actually changed all that much throughout the books - but just in being free, somewhat safe (well, safer emotionally at least), and genuinely cared for. To not be under Nero’s influence to the same extent.

With Apollo... well, it’s a bit different with him. Zeus wasn’t as controlling as Nero, Apollo COULD have kept his space from him before; his sister has been doing that for millennia. But he has still changed a lot, moreso than Meg did, to the point that he’s almost unrecognizeable from who he was when he first fell to earth in THO.

Newly experiencing kindness, regular affection, and just having other people care about him though? He shares that with Meg.

Not that people have never been nice to him before, that’s not the case. But to have people be nice to him who he wouldn’t think would need to be, when he’s vulnerable... there’s a reason he’s been extremely touched when that’s happened even back from THO, and in this book he breaks down pretty much every time.

Meg struggles with needing to retain her independence, the new sense of herself she’s acquired during her journey with Apollo.

“I have to go back,” Meg insisted. “I have to see if I’m strong enough.”

Peaches cuddled up next to her as if he had no such concerns.

Meg patted his leafy wings. “Maybe I’ve gotten stronger. But when I go back to the palace, will it be enough? Can I remember to be who I am now and not… who I was then?”

I didn’t think she expected an answer. But it occurred to me that perhaps I should be asking myself that same question.

Since Jason Grace’s death, I’d spent sleepless nights wondering if I could keep my promise to him. Assuming I made it back to Mount Olympus, could I remember what it was like to be human, or would I slip back into being the self-centered god I used to be?

Change is a fragile thing. It requires time and distance. Survivors of abuse, like Meg, have to get away from their abusers. Going back to that toxic environment was the worst thing she could do. And former arrogant gods like me couldn’t hang around other arrogant gods and expect to stay unsullied.

But I supposed Meg was right. Going back was the only way to see how strong we’d gotten, even if it meant risking everything. (TON 114-115)

Meg needs to keep her identity she’s created for herself away from Nero. But her question about remembering to be who she is now versus who she was back then fits Apollo’s conundrum better, something that is clearly not lost on Apollo.

I knew my anxiety about my own weakness was getting mixed up with my anxiety about Meg. Even if I somehow made my way back to Mount Olympus, I didn’t trust myself to hold onto the important things I’d learned as a mortal. That made me doubt Meg’s ability to stay strong in her old toxic home.

The similarities between Nero’s household and my family on Mount Olympus made me increasingly uneasy. The idea that we gods were just as manipulative, just as abusive as the worst Roman emperor… Surely that couldn’t be true.

Oh, wait. Yes, it could. Ugh. I hated clarity. (TON 225-226)

Meg’s captured, being fully under Nero’s influence once more, with him trying to twist everything to be Apollo’s or Meg’s faults, trying to twist it so that every bit of distress that he puts Meg through is somehow the fault of her or her allies.

She picked up the chair and threw it across the room - but not at Nero. It whanged off the window, leaving a smudge but no cracks. I caught the flicker of a smile on Nero’s face - a smile of satisfaction - before his expression fixed back into a mask of sympathy. “Yes, dear. This anger comes from guilt. You led Apollo here. You understood what that meant, what would happen. But you did it anyway. That must be so painful... knowing you brought him to his end (TON 235)

This kind of manipulation is Nero’s trademark, he uses it for most of the book. Telling Meg what she’s feeling, telling her that she’s feeling this way because of something wrong SHE did, not because of the horrible things NERO did. Trying to rewrite her reality to fall in line with what HE wants her to believe, to think.

Nero makes her change clothes, has her scrub up, even has her get a pedicure. 

Normally this would sound like a good thing. But it’s just one of the ways he tries to rewrite who she is, to break her sense of identity and replace it with one more to his liking. By taking away things that showed her own personal style, he took away reminders of who she is, as well as showing his ability to exert control over her, make her believe she has no choices.

My heart broke. Meg looked elegant, older, and quite beautiful. She also looked utterly, completely no longer herself. Nero had tried to strip away everything she had been, every choice she’d made, and replace her with someone else - a proper young lady of the Imperial Household. (TON 285-286) 

Nero continues to try to twist the circumstances, to brainwash Meg into believing that he’s her savior and Apollo and the others may harm her. But Apollo keeps protesting, leading to this scene:

I tried to contain my horror. “Meg,” I said. “There’s only one person you need to listen to here: yourself. Trust yourself.”

I meant it, despite all my doubts and fears, despite all my complaints over the months about Meg being my master. She had chosen me, but I had also chosen her. I did trust her - not in spite of her past with Nero, but because of it. I had seen her struggle. I’d admired her hard-won progress. I had to believe in her for my own sake. She was - gods help me - my role model. (TON 293)

Ultimately, MEG’S the one who decides. Who fights back. Because she was able to listen to herself, to not be twisted by Nero’s lies and deceptions.

“I didn’t kill my father,” she said, her voice small and hard. “I didn’t cut off Lu’s hands or enslave those dryads or twist us all up inside.” She swept a hand towards the other demigods of the household. “You did that, Nero. I hate you.” (TON 295)

This was the tipping point. When she announced, to herself and everyone else, the truth. The reality. Rejecting Nero’s attempts to rewrite it.

Nero hissed. “Ungrateful child. The Beast-”

“The Beast is dead.” Meg tapped the side of her head. “I killed it.” (TON 311)

I notice here she tapped the side of her head. Of course, she didn’t literally kill The Beast; Nero’s still alive after all.

But The Beast was a psychological trick Nero used on Meg, to make her separate him into two people; the ‘nice’ stepfather, and The Beast that takes over and punishes if she misbehaves. 

She ‘killed’ it, because she killed the concept.

There was never a Beast.

There was only ever Nero.

And now that she’s gotten out from under his thumb? She reasserts her own identity.

Meg had thrown away her sandals, braving bare feet despite the arrows, rubble, bones, and discarded blades that littered the floor. Someone had given her an orange Camp Half-Blood shirt, which she’d put on over her dress, making her allegiance clear. She still looked older and more sophisticated, but she also looked like my Meg. (TON 323)

I like the emphasis on how she looks older, but also like herself. She looks like what Nero made her into still, in a way - she’s still wearing that dress after all - but she’s made it her own, integrated herself into it.

It nicely parallels Apollo’s own situation, with needing to integrate who he’s become as Lester, who he’s grown to be, with his godly identity. Because things WILL be different once he’s a god again; he’ll have power he doesn’t have now, will have exposure to other gods that he doesn’t currently have. So he needs to figure out how to handle that, how to be a god, how to be Apollo while not losing what he’s gained as Lester.

Even if I survived, I would not be the same. The best I could hope for was to emerge from Delphi with my godhood restored, which was what I had wanted and dreamed about for the past half a year. So why did I feel so reluctant about leaving behind the broken, battered form of Lester Papadopolous? (TON 327)

Like Meg was, Apollo’s struggling to get ahold of his own identity before he has to face his abuser again, has to re-enter that old toxic environment. He fears that if the trappings of “Lester” are destroyed, then like with Nero changing Meg’s clothes, that he’ll lose part of his connection to who he’s become.

As Apollo fights Python, his mortal body becomes less and less mortal, bringing him into an in-between, in-flux state that mirrors his internal identity crisis.

“YOU CAN’T HIDE!” Python bellowed. “YOU ARE NO GOD!”

This pronouncement hit me like a bucket of ice water. It didn’t carry the weight of prophecy, but it was true nonetheless. At the moment, I wasn’t sure what I was. I certainly wasn’t my old godly self. I wasn’t exactly Lester Papadopolous either. My flesh steamed. Pulses of light flickered under my skin, like the sun trying to break through storm clouds. When had that started?

I was between states, morphing as rapidly as Python himself. I was no god. I would never be the same old Apollo again. But in this moment, I had the chance to decide what I would become, even if that new existence only lasted a few seconds.

The realization burned away my delirium.

“I won’t hide,” I muttered. “I won’t cower. That’s not who I will be.” (TON 339-340)

Like with Meg before, he’s deciding, affirming for himself what kind of person he is now, who he wants to be, different from who he was before.

Even during the fight with Python, some small part of him hopes Zeus will intervene, will see he’s done enough and help him, save him. But here, that instinct is quashed for the final time.

I had done my best. Surely, Zeus would see that and be proud. Maybe he would send down a lightning bolt, blast Python into tiny pieces, and save me!

As soon as I thought this, I realized how foolish it was. Zeus didn’t work that way. He would not save me anymore than Nero had saved Meg. I had to let go of that fantasy. I had to save myself. (TON 341)

Much like with how Meg hoped back near the beginning of the series that Nero really would change, really was a good person deep down, Apollo kept up the hope in early entries that Zeus DID care about him and would come to save him at any moment. And even in later books, heck, even in THIS book, with Meg still calling Nero her stepfather a few times and the part of Apollo hoping that Zeus will intervene now, it’s hard to break the desire, the belief that that person who SHOULD care about you, surely will now.

But both of them break past that. Meg calls Nero out, rejects his attempts to rewrite reality, and Apollo kills the idea that Zeus might intervene on his behalf.

By the time Apollo’s a god again, he has a firm bead on the kind of person Zeus is, as well as the type of environment Mt. Olympus is, with most of his family just watching his trials and tribulations, everything he and his friends went through, and betting on the outcome. Only Artemis and Hera seemed to take things seriously, seemed to deeply care whether he lived or died.

Not that the others could have interfered against Zeus’s wishes.

As much as we pretended to be a council of twelve, in truth we were a tyranny. Zeus was less a benevolent father and more an iron-fisted leader with the biggest weapons and the ability to strip us of our immortality if we offended him. (TON 366)

Apollo just kind of hangs back for the council session, having little to say to anyone except Artemis, not caring much about what the other Olympians thought, and not really feeling like one of them as a whole. Though that was true even before he actually walked into the room.

I remembered my dream of the throne room - the other Olympians gambling on my success or failure. I wondered how much money they’d lost.

What could I possibly say to them? I no longer felt like one of them. I wasn’t one of them. (TON 358)

And finally, the long-awaited confrontation scene with Zeus. It wasn’t long. It wasn’t flashy. Unlike Meg, he couldn’t attack and get rid of his abuser, couldn’t get out from under his influence entirely. Zeus is King of the Gods; realizing that he’s an abusive asshole doesn’t change that.

But he COULD change his own response to the situation.

My father coughed into his fist. “ I know you think your punishment was harsh, Apollo.”

I did not answer. I tried my best to keep my expression polite and neutral.

“But you must understand,” Zeus continued, “only you could have overthrown Python. Only you could have freed the Oracles. And you did it, as I expected. The suffering, the pain along the way… regrettable, but necessary. You have done me proud.”

Interesting how he put that: I had done him proud. I had been useful in making him look good. My heart did not melt. I did not feel that this was a warm-and-fuzzy reconciliation with my father. Let’s be honest: some fathers don’t deserve that. Some fathers aren’t capable of it.

I suppose I could have raged at him and called him bad names. We were alone. He probably expected it. Given his awkward self-consciousness at the moment, he might even have let me get away with it unpunished.

But it would not have changed him. It would not have made anything different between us.

You cannot change a tyrant by trying to out-ugly him. Meg could never have changed Nero, any more than I could change Zeus. I could only try to be different than him. Better. More… human. And to limit the time I spent around him to as little as possible. (TON 367-368)

Apollo just... let go of any attachment to Zeus. It reminded me of the Cumaen SIbyl, with how she forgave Apollo for her own sake, how Apollo felt that he himself was being erased by that. 

This isn’t a reconciliation; this is simply Apollo putting Zeus as far behind him as possible and trying to let him take up as little space in his life as he can. He may not be able to cut all ties to him, but he can at least minimize his connection to him, his influence over him.

In the end, Apollo doesn’t even really consider what he went through to be a punishment; not really.

To be honest, though, I could no longer consider my time on Earth a punishment. Terrible, tragic, nearly impossible… yes. But calling it a punishment gave Zeus too much credit. It had been a journey - an important one I made for myself, with the help of my friends. I hoped… I believed that the grief and pain had shaped me into a better person. I had forged a more perfect Lester from the dregs of Apollo. I would not trade those experiences for anything. And if I had been told I had to be Lester for another hundred years… Well, I could think of worse things. At least I wouldn’t be expected to show up at the Olympian solstice meetings. (TON 373)

Like with his conversation with Zeus, he’s minimizing Zeus’s control, his influence over himself and his life. 

And in the end, Apollo leaves Mt. Olympus as soon as he can to spend time with all the new friends he’s made, away from the toxic influences of Olympus and of Zeus especially. Reaffirming his new identity, his new self by appearing in his Lester form, the form he’d grown in, that he’d forged for himself.

I just really love how in-depth Tower of Nero went, especially with the way it emphasized the identity manipulation and erasure involved with some kinds of abuse.

[chordata-on-alterhumanity]

Alterhuman vs Trans: Why r they compared so often?

I'm about to use 'alterhuman' as a shorthand for otherkin and otherlinkers. I don't think plurality is ever compared to being LGBT+ ... ? And I'm not knowledgeable enough about other experiences that fall under the alterhuman umbrella to speak on them. I just don't want to write ''kin and 'link' all the time. If anyone else can speak on other alterhuman experiences and how they compare to being trans, I'd love to hear!

Also, I'm about to use 'transgender' as an umbrella term for every non-cis experience.

Having an alterhuman identity is sometimes compared to being transgender. It brings up a lot of controversy, i.e. the discourse about species dysphoria being compared to gender dysphoria. I'm not about to make arguments for why the comparisons are or aren't valid. Instead, I want to present a thought about why the comparison happens so much.

Being alterhuman is about your internal identity, not necessarily related to what you do or what you're surrounded by. Being trans is the same. Of course, our environment influences us, but they aren't identities that are dependent on your environment.

I’ll talk about other types of identities I can think of before I circle back around to my point.

Identity based on actions: Career titles

You might be an engineer and identify as an engineer, but I don't think most engineers identify as one as deeply as they identify as their gender. Why? I can imagine it's because that title depends on your actions. Is someone an engineer when they're not putting their knowledge to use? I can learn to be engineer and then become a painter and never touch my engineer know-how. I won't identify as an engineer unless I actually feel like one (which requires working as one, be it as a job or as a hobby), and in my own and society's eyes, you need to do a job in order to be labelled as a job-do-er (You gotta do engineering to be an engineer). This sounds very rambly, but the point I want to get to is: A career title can be taken away. You need to work as the thing to be a thing. Because of that, we tend to not identify as strongly with our jobs.

-> action-dependant, environment-dependant

Identity based on environment: Nationality

This one’s a tricky one. I hope I can illustrate my points well enough. The country where you grow up has an effect on you. It's what you're familiar with as a child, and it'll stay with you probably for your entire life. Lots of people hold pride for their country. It's usually something very inherent to a person, because of how deeply connected it is to one's upbringing. So why isn't being trans ever compared to national identity? It seems like a weird question at first, since you can't feel about your nationality like you can feel about your assigned gender (nationality dysphoria?), right? But actually some people do feel very uneasy with their nationality, and you can (if you have the means) move to a different country. I think the inability to compare the two might have something to do with how immigrants, no matter how hard they try to fit in, tend to be viewed as foreign in their new home. The bottom line, tho, is that we generally don't view nationality as something a person can change. And the experience of not vibing with your country is very different from not vibing with your assigned gender or human-ness.

-> not action-dependant, environment-dependant

Identity based on actions and environment: Relationships

Someone might identify as a family person. They put a lot of value on spending time with family. Someone might identify as an extrovert. They're outgoing and feel good spending lots of time with people. To an extent, these examples depend on action. The family person isn't really one when they never interact with their family. The extrovert isn't really one when they never talk to people. These identities depend both on actions and environment. Someone can't be a family person without a family who spends time with them. Someone can't be an extrovert if there's no people around. Would they still identify as that if they lack those things? It's not fully an identity that comes from within.

-> action- and not action-dependant, environment-dependant

Identity based on actions: Dietary choices based on personal ethics

I present myself as example. I'm vegan. I identify as vegan, sure. But of course nowhere near as deeply as I identify as genderqueer. Why? I guess because, if I start consuming animal products tomorrow, I'm no longer vegan. It's action dependant. I could say because of that it's not as inherent to me as my gender, but that's not quite true. I feel very strongly about being vegan, and pushing myself to be not-vegan would hurt me a lot, as would pushing against my natural gender expression do. But, even so, it's an action dependant thing. Gender, on the other hand, isn't. No matter how I dress or act, I remain genderqueer and prefer male pronouns, because gender isn't linked to any sort of action. The same goes for alterhumanity. My linktypes aren’t dependant on any actions like my veganism is.

-> action-dependant, not environment-dependent (unless in case of circumstances like illness or food shortage)

Let's go over gender and alterhumanity in a similar observation style.

Gender

You're your gender, no matter how you dress and act. Gender doesn't depend on your actions. It also doesn't matter how you're treated. It's nice to be recognized as your gender, but a lack of validation from other people doesn't make you not-your-gender. Gender identity may be influenced by our environment, but it's not dependent on it. Gender may be fluid over the course of some people’s life, but this fluidity can’t be forced (that would be conversion therapy). A person can’t force themselves to change either.

-> not action-dependant, not environment-dependant

Alterhuman

For some people being alterhuman changes over time, for some it doesn't. This change can’t be caused by force (neither by the person themselves or the environment) without hurting the person. Being alterhuman isn't related to any actions or the environment. An alterhuman identity might be influenced by both those things, but it's necessary. I'm sure there's some birds out there who identify as birds because they're pilots, and birds who identify as such because they have behaviours that they categorize as bird behaviours (I’m thinking, like, having a frequent urge to flap your arms like wings or ‘pecking’ stuff with your mouth), but there’s also plenty who don’t undertake any bird-like actions. You don't have to do anything to identify as a bird except identify as the bird. You're the only person you need to make comfortable about the identity. It doesn't matter if other people don't validate you - it won't make you not-a-bird spiritually/psychologically/metaphysically/etc.

-> not action-dependant, not environment-dependant

I feel like I rubbed my point to mush by writing so much for smth I can wrap up in just two sentences. Being alterhuman and being trans are very similar identity aspects to each other because you're the only person who can judge their validity. Neither your actions nor environment dictate who you are for both.

[rigelsenshis]

the old guard + dæmons

a completely self-indulgent au bcos dæmons sit squarely in the Top Five Best Storytelling Concepts Ever Created and i will absolutely fight you on this it’s the hill i will die on

i made a post about this that evolved in a beautiful thread, with so many great ideas being shared by a lot of wonderful people, and then spent a couple of days thinking about possible shapes and possible names and this probably longer-than-comfortable post is the result of all that so i hope you enjoy let’s discuss let’s talk about this god i just love dæmons so much

first things first, some ground rules of how dæmons might work when taking into account the old guard’s particular flavor of immortality. @fleurdufeu suggested that the dæmon gets Severed with the person’s first death, the one that triggers immortality. and with each death (@en-sam-malas also brought this up) the dæmon can travel farther and farther away and can stay awake when their human is sleeping, contributing to the general idea of Otherness™ the old guard carries with them, especially in a world with a dæmons. @dearest--gertrude also suggested that just like the first deaths takes longer to return back from, dæmons would be slower to reappear— taking maybe two or three days the first time (which would add to the shock of having discovered immortality bcos like??? i’m alive??? and without my dæmon??? what the fuck???) to movie-time when the dæmon’s body is already there even before the human comes back to life. which only leads to the fact that when the final death comes the dæmon does disappear in a puff of golden dust like in hdm and creates a general wave of Angst (like i imagine that’s how Andy and Quynh knew that it was Lykon’s time, bcos his dæmon just disappeared and didn’t return)

@en-sam-malas added two Great Ideas, which is that most of the old guard would not have grown up with the taboo of not touching other people’s dæmons and so would use them in battle against other humans (which highlights their Otherness™ once again), and that their dæmons can probably undergo changes of shape— not as frequent as a child but following big traumatic events, like their first death, huge losses and grief and so on, and that’s the idea i’ve built on when looking for suitable shapes for each of them so here we fucking go (note that i did omit Lykon bcos we know so little of him atm but maybe when more material comes out we’ll be able to figure him out better???)

Nile

i’d like to think that as times grow more modern, dæmons’ names grow more modern as well— bcos Nile’s from Chicago, her dæmon could be called Jazz (bcos of the city’s history with the music genre) or Hopper (bcos Hopper’s Nighthawks is in Chicago and Nile loves art??? is it a stretch??? i’m open to better ideas for sure). her dæmon probably settled sometime after her father’s death into a german shepherd, as suggested by @stevie-harrington bcos in hdm many soldiers are shown to have a dog dæmon and dog dæmons are reliable and intelligent, pack animals that can hold their own in a fight. when she comes back from her first death Hopper is not with her, which only adds to the uneasiness the other marines feel around her bcos how tf is she alive without her dæmon this is just Wrong. he reappears when she wakes up in the back of the van, and it’s only on the plane that she realised that something is different about him and that he’s not exactly a german shepherd anymore— i’d like for his first changed shape to be one of those dogs that could be wolves and toy the line between the two (bcos it’s a bit more wild and also bcos i’d like Andy to have a wold dæmon and for Nile’s to resemble Andy’s since it’s vaguely implied she will take her place as leader of the old guard)

Booker

Booker’s dæmon is called Manette (which means “bitter”/”bitterness” and i mean,,,,nomen omen) and when it first settled it was a marmoset, as suggested by both @mewbotz and @fleurdufeu, an animal dexterous enough to help him with his forgeries and also deeply family oriented (marmosets mate for life are very involved in bringing up younglings which would make sense to Booker falling deep into desperation once his family passes). Manette changes the first time when he dies, and again @fleurdufeu suggests she could turn into a carrion crow to blend in with the others while Booker hangs for three/four days, brings him idk insects to eat and stays on his shoulder and they both cry bcos they don’t understand what happened to them and they feel each other but they’re also so different (crows are also family oriented and they mimic sounds so in theory she’s like her previous form but also with trauma and the imagery of death). she could turn into a cinereous vulture when the last members of Booker’s family die, reserved and passive and isolated, and then during movie-time she’s something even smaller, maybe even a mouse, bcos grief has twisted Booker into something that he himself cannot recognise and he sleeps with Manette in his hands like he used to do when she was a monkey and it feels almost the same but not quite. i’d assume that after the ordeal with Quynh she changes shape again, maybe if he starts healing up a bit??? 

Nicky + Joe

they go together bcos a) obviously and b) their dæmons have very similar stories and changes of shape so it makes sense for me to talk about them together

i called Nicky’s dæmon Glauca, which is a sort of shortening of the Homeric epithet given to the goddess Athena, glaukôpis aka bright-eyed (you get it??? like Nicky himself when will Luca’s eyes leave me in peace the answer is never). bcos he was born in a coastal city i’d like to his dæmon to have settled into a sea bird, and i chose the shape of a scopoli’s shearwater, a bird that’s native to Liguria and a good swimmer

i chose Zahara for Joe’s dæmon, a name that means most exquisite bcos i thought about the fact that he was an artist and a poet but i’m Very Much Open to more informed opinions than mine. Zahara’s first shape could have been a fennec, native to Northern Africa and a very outgoing kind of animal which i feel would match Joe’s personality

the first change for both of them is, again obviously, when they kill each other for the first time. when they find their dæmons again after having spent like three days in a blind rage and confusion and pain and where is my dæmon have it lost her what have i become it’s his fault they’re both smaller in dimension, bcos they’re in shock, and more vicious than their original shape, so i picked a stoat for Nicky and a genette for Joe— both small carnivores, native one to Europe and the other to North Africa, and they just tear into each other again for a not-better-specified amount of days it’s just sword scimitar teeth claws whatever. i then see Nicky and Joe sort of “making peace” and travelling together from Jerusalem to the sea, where they part ways, and the shock is so great, the reflection they go through when they’re apart so massive that causes another change, this one the farthest away from their “personality” as they struggle to understand who they are now and what they have become. Zahara becomes a blackbird and Glauca a cape hare, shapes that neither of them feel like are right

when they both start to make peace with what they have become and realise that there might be Feelings popping out, say like a couple of centuries after Jerusalem they’ve caught glimpses of each other in other Crusades and such, both dæmons change into cats. smaller cats for now, and when Joe and Nicky go and look for each other and find each other in Malta and realise that they love each other and share some poetic and lyrical declaration of eternal adoration they wake up and find their dæmons in similar shapes— big cats, like @mewbotz suggested. Joe’s dæmon settles into a leopard, majestic and sun-like, while Nicky’s becomes a panther, hiding in the shadows, fiercely protective and betraying Nicky’s nature of actually being a Pretty Dangerous Guy. and @mewbotz goes on to say that Joe and Nicky are so inseparable that their dæmons actually follow the other around, a way to always make sure they’re safe, and so it looks like Joe’s the one with Glauca the panther and Nicky’s the one with Zahara the leopard and in that way they’re never really apart and it’s Beautiful

Quynh

bcos they’re both so old, i have this idea that neither Quynh not Andy remember the actual very first shape their dæmon took (like Andy says that she doesn’t remember the faces of her sisters, for example). i’d like for him to be called Giao Long, a name lifted from Vietnamese myths about dragons, but again i only acquired this knowledge through internet searches so if anyone more informed wants to weigh in i’d be Very Happy

when Quynh’s riding with Andy, her dæmon is a crested serpent eagle, as suggested by @fleurdufeu, with the beautiful image of it flying close to Quynh’s arrow as it sails towards its target like @mewbotz said. the fact that their dæmons are so eerie and strange contribute to the English townspeople believing Quynh and Andy are witches, and when they throw Quynh overboard her dæmon is left flying above the water and it’s just a horrible cycle of madness with the dæmon changing shape to a bird to a fish to an insect reaching her into her cage flying above just mad with grief and pain like Quynh herself is

they find each other when she gets out but they’re both broken and twisted in an ugly way, and the dæmon has turned into something she can keep close— i’d partial to the idea of a snake bcos she was “a pit viper in a fight” and even tho they can separate like every other immortal they never do bcos the trauma is too great

Andy

i got Andy’s dæmon’s name from the Italian wikipedia page about Scythians and for the life of me i can’t find the same info in english but like, apparently there was a mythical/semi-mythical Scythian king called Colassai??? i find it a very fitting name and like Andy herself he could have shortened it to Cole in the modern age

Andy doesn’t remember his first shape (but i realised the deer was a pretty important animal in Scythian culture so maybe it could have been one???), but when she meets Lykon her dæmon is a wild boar— still an earthbound animal, brutal in a fight to match her axe-wielding fighting style. when she meets Quynh, their dæmons match (immortal wives and immortal husbands with matching dæmons for the win) and @fleurdufeu suggested it might be a golden eagle, The™ steppes’ predator

losing Quynh definitely triggers a change of shape and Andy’s dæmon becomes earthbound once again, as if Quynh’s death clipped its wings, and it become maybe a fox??? smaller, still vicious, still useful in a fight. then, when Andy’s in Australia with Achilles (as per the comics but also the movie bcos i think they showed Andy’s portrait in the cave) her dæmon could take the shape of an Australian-born animal, maybe a dingo??? and in movie-time her dæmon is a full out wolf, leader of the pack, brutal in a fight— and Nile’s dæmon slowly starts to resemble Andy’s wolf

and that’s the end of this dissertation-length monstrosity if you managed to get here wow i’m truly Moved

[intricate-oeuvre]

On how to be deadly || Geralt of Rivia || part IX

Word count: 2.9k+

Summary: Axelia is Witcher experiment herself and has gone through same harsh Trials as Geralt, but she wasn’t so lucky with the outcome. Her vision didn’t become better. Therefore, she was rendered blind in the end. And because of that, she solely uses her Witcher senses to make her ways. Only potions can give her false sense of sight for limited time.Somewhere along the way she meets the Rivian. Who’s interested to know how she’s been killing monsters and hasn’t been killed herself yet.

Warnings: BLOOD, that’s it, maybe angst

A/N: I have fucking awesome fighting scenes in my head, cant put them on paper tho, Imma visualiser not a writer xD

part I || part II || part III || part IV || part V || part VI || part VII || part VIII || part IX || part X || part XI || part XII || part XIII | Epilogue

“I—what?” Ciri looked at Axelia as witcheress stood up.

“You’re destiny.” Axelia mumbled again.

“Destiny? As in I can do... what?” Ciri got up as well, her uneasy glance sliding to Jaskier for a second.

“You could change whatever is happening between me and Geralt.” Axelia explained.

“You don’t know that yet.” Jaskier reminded her.

“Maybe she’s not the destiny that mage was talking about.” Jaskier continued.

“Mage? What?” Ciri was getting more and more confused. So, Jaskier took responsibility and explained to her what, all that Axelia had said, had meant. Meanwhile, Axelia was pacing back and forth. Jaskier’s eyes skipping to her occasionally, just to make sure that she-witcher doesn’t hyperventilate.

“You choose the love of your life, but you have no saying in choosing your soulmate.” Axelia murmured to herself, pointing to invisible things to rearrange thoughts in her head.

And it took some time to explain everything and answer all the questions that Ciri had asked.

“You need to go.” Axelia mumbled when it was starting to get dark.

“You’re staying here?” Ciri quirked eyebrow at her. Axelia only hummed. In a similar way that Geralt did, thus making Ciri look at Jaskier, who only sent her ‘see I told you’ look in return.

“You can come with us; I am sure that we can find you a place to stay.” Ciri continued.

“Thank you, but I’ll pass on that. I need some time alone. And besides I have job to do here.” Axelia said standing up and putting back on her forearm braces.

“Are you sure?” Jaskier asked as he picked up her cloak and putted it around her shoulders.

“You know that I can take on that monster.” Axelia said, sending appreciative look towards the bard for putting on her cloak.

“No, not the monster part. You know…” Jaskier trailed off.

“Oh. I’m… fine.” Axelia sighed.

“What kind of monster?” Ciri asked, waiting for Jaskier now, so they both could leave Axelia to her own devices.

“Ghouls. They say they are at the old crypts. Where all the war-heroes lay.” Axelia shrugged towards Ciri.

“You got everything you need to fight them?” Ciri asked, just to make sure.

“Got my silver sword.” Axelia nodded and tapped the hilt of it on her back. “Thank you for bring it back.”

“Of course. Silver is expensive these days.” Ciri shrugged and her eyes impatiently landed on the bard next to Axelia.

“Go. I don’t have all night to fight. I need to move.” Axelia turned back to Jaskier.

“Stay safe.” He mumbled quietly to her.

“You know I am witcher. Being safe is not my forte.” Axelia sent him a small smile.

“You just live for the danger.” He sighed and pulled her in for the last hug.

“I find thrill in it.” She corrected him, basking in his hug as she murmured into his chest.

“Will I see you again?” Jaskier whispered.

“Most likely, no.” Axelia hummed in his shirt, letting calm wash over her. She was done with this. Not sure if Ciri was the destiny that was needed to fix the slanted fates.

“Then I wish you wholly good luck.” Jaskier pulled away a little to look down at her.

“Thank you. For every little thing you have done to me and for me.” Axelia smiled softly at him.

“With pleasure.” Jaskier nodded at her, and pressed a soft kiss to her temple.

“Can you give this to Geralt?” Axelia turned to Ciri before she had time to leave.

“Yeah.” Ciri took hold of the black tulle blindfold that Axelia was extending towards her and tied the fabric around the hilt of her sword that was sitting snuggly on her back.

“He hates it.” Axelia smirked at her and then bid them farewell as she made har way deeper in the woods.

***

“So, she has been your soulmate all this time and you didn’t think of telling me?” Yennefer was standing with her hands crossed on her chest. Geralt was sitting and only slightly rolled his eyes at her comment but didn’t answer, feeling, rather, knowing, that she was about to continue.

“And you two have been having these run-ins occasionally?” She raised her eyebrow at him.

“You know I didn’t choose for that to happen.” Geralt defended.

“You have a tendency to not choose for things to happen to actually happen.” Yennefer grunted. Witcher was pretty sure she was making reference about Ciri.

“You have problem with Axelia?” Geralt asked with tilt of his head.

“Yes. After all that dragon hunt, we really don’t see eye to eye. And now she’s here. Saying that she has some claim over you. That does not really help me with handling things between us, Geralt.” Yennefer tried to reason.

“Claim? She hasn’t claimed anything. No one has.” Geralt explained, growing more irritated with Yen by the second.

“Don’t you love me?” Yennefer huffed turning away. Geralt wasn’t really looking for all this drama. His mind was still occupied with thoughts of the girl that was still somewhere in the woods.

“Yen…” Geralt hummed. “You know that—"

In that moment Ciri walked in with Jaskier.

“Did we interrupt something?” Jaskier asked, looking between Geralt and Yennefer.

“No.” Geralt answered.

“Yes.” Yennefer said at the same time. Geralt’s eyes slid to Yen, low-key challenging for her to shut up.

“Me or her. You choose.” Yennefer gave him ultimatum, with dissatisfied pout.

The silence took over the room.

Geralt was looking at Yennefer with disbelief written all over his features as his mouth fell open.

Jaskier gulped at her sentence, his eyes sliding to Ciri briefly, almost asking her if they shouldn’t leave the room to these two who were at each other’s throats. And Ciri had the same thought as Jaskier and with uncomfortable clear of her throat she rolled her shoulders, making the tulle around the hilt of her sword swing as if caught in a breeze. Movement catching Geralt’s attention. With furrowed eyebrows he looked at Ciri, waiting for the explanation.

“She told me to give this to you.” Ciri whispered quietly as she reached to untie it. Girl’s eyes momentarily flicking to Yennefer, gauging her reaction. Geralt took hold of it and turned it over in his hands. Axelia’s scent hit his nose. Her real scent and not the one he could smell coming from Jaskier. He didn’t want to dwell on the fact as to why the bard was drenched in her smell. Not the first time. Geralt knew that she trusted Jaskier, and so did Ciri. Except for Yennefer, she always had some enmity with Jaskier and vice versa.

“Well? I’m waiting.” Yennefer tapped her foot on the ground. Geralt stood up from where he was sitting and walked up to Ciri, tying the tulle back around the hilt of her sword.

“Where is she?” Geralt asked Jaskier.

“The old crypt.” Bard explained.

“And the monster?” Witcher’s eyes flickered back to Ciri.

“Ghouls.” Ciri explained looking at Geralt.

“No. Not any ghouls.” Geralt grunted and picked up his own sword from the table and secured it on his back.

“What do you mean?” Jaskier narrowed his eyes at him.

“Alghouls.” Geralt said grimly.

“And she only had silver sword with her.” Ciri stated, getting along the train of thought of the witcher.

“Fuck.” Geralt said displeased and sent a look at Yennefer over his shoulder before he went outside.

“Geralt, you didn’t answer!” sorceress called after him, making Geralt stop in his tracks.

“I think he made his choice.” Jaskier dared to answer for his friend.

“Hmm.” Witcher hummed deeply and went to get Roach and head for the crypts.

Yennefer was left there stunned.

“Jaskier.” She hissed at the bard.

“What? I think that was pretty obvious.” Bard answered.

Ciri looked at Yennefer, then her eyes slid at the back of her shoulder, catching a glimpse of the tulle around the hilt of the sword. Her mind drifted back to Axelia, or whatever she had met at the forest. Ciri had never met a female witcher, nor she ever thought that there was one. Geralt never really mentioned her. Yes, he had said that there was this fierce and loyal to the bone warrior that he had pleasure to meet and fight alongside, but he never told Ciri her name nor who she was. But Ciri had deciphered enough from his speeches to understand that this girl was important to him. He never really had talked about Yennefer in the same way. Of course, Yen was like mother to Ciri, but there was something oddly similar to Axelia and her.

Ciri had found herself a new loving family. She only hoped that Axelia could find love again.

“Ciri?” questioned Yennefer, wanting to hear whatever Ciri had to say about this ordeal.

 “Geralt didn’t choose Axelia as his soulmate, they were made to be like that. As for you and him, I—” Ciri was trying to find the words so that she wouldn’t offend Yennefer.

“You chose each other.” Jaskier stated. “Their meetings are unavoidable. And Geralt will go after her even if you say no, they will never stop finding each other as much as you would hate it, Yennefer. You may love him, and he may love you, but they are undividable. Geralt is hers, and Axelia will always be his.” Bard dared to tell the sorceress the truth.

Yennefer let out a deep, irritated sigh through her nose.

“We better go.” Ciri looked at Jaskier instead. She had no saying in this, whatever she would say would not change a thing. She already had done whatever that mage had told Axelia.

And Ciri hoped that she was that destiny that was needed to make the fates less slated.

Meanwhile Geralt was hoping that alghouls haven’t eaten Axelia alive.

***

Dread had settled deep in her gut, when Axelia had realized that they were not ghouls but to be more precise- alghouls. She had thought that she’ll need to fight off only couple of ghouls, but here she was slicing and dicing ghoul after ghoul as the bigger alghouls were slowly coming closer to her. The latter being more aggressive and more challenging than regular ghoul. With untrained eye one could not tell the difference between two, but Axelia knew enough.

She knew that alghouls had more wit than regular ghoul and then she decided to go after alghouls first. Maybe if she’s lucky, she’ll kill the leader of the pack and thus weaken it all. For whatever Axelia held holy she prayed that there were no cemetaurs.

And when all the smaller ghouls suddenly scattered wherever, Axelia knew that her prayers have been pointless.

“Shit!” she hissed, slicing another alghoul with her silver sword. How could she have been so dumb and not pack any white vinegar with her. Her hand run along her belt, in a search for a potion that could actually help her.

“Shit! Really?!” she hissed when she couldn’t find Black Blood potions nowhere on her belt. Had it fallen out while she was fighting Geralt? For fucks sake, now she was really doomed. With angry scream Axelia, planted her feet one in front of another and quickly made her way towards the cemetaur. Now all she had was her trusty silver sword, and a hope that this wasn’t her last fight.

With swooping motions, she raised the silver blade above her head and slashed down the side of cemetaur’s hand. Her movement seamlessly flowing in wide pirouette as she cut down three ghouls behind herself. With sure and certain steps, she rounded the cemetaur, while with slashing cuts killed ghouls and alghouls left and right. And whenever she had a clear chance at stabbing, wounding and gnashing at the monster, she took it. Couple of times stumbling because ghouls were grabbing her feet and trying to knock her down. Just to get on top of her and rip at her flesh.

Her figure seemed to get bloodier and bloodier by every cut she made. Be it her own blood that was running down from her busted lip and nose. Or be it from the monsters that she tried to cut down so desperately. But it seemed that they were taking over, and even might feast on the flesh of an unlucky witcher for a change. Axelia wasn’t afraid of death or dying. But she had wanted to live a little longer. Maybe clean up her own messes.

As she raised the sword to her side to strike the monster form below and up it’s middle, monster seemed to realize her movement and moved quicker. With it’s huge hand it struck Axelia in her jaw, making her stumble back and tip on a dead alghoul. Her silver sword flying somewhere to the side.

“Shit!” she screamed as necrophages leaped at her, to get the fresh meat first.

“Fuck no!” She yelled and elbowed one in it’s face, gaining a split second to roll on her stomach and crawl for her sword. But she was stopped by the sudden pain in her shin. Looking at her leg, he saw that alghoul had itself attached to her leg, trying to bite it off. With a grunt, she kicked it in its head with her other foot. Noticing all the creatures leaping closer like hungry wretched dogs, she pulled out her dagger and sliced three of the smaller ghouls, but since it was no silver, she got nothing from it, only gnash at her abdomen. Either they all pranced at her and eat her while she’s still alive or she’ll bleed out, faster than she’d like to admit.

This was it.

She was trying to rid herself of all the monsters, but as one fell, another came in it’s place. Not to mention the cemetaur that was still rounding her and waiting for the right moment to jump on her. Axelia saw it finally move towards her, she tried to reach for her silver sword again. As she felt it’s repulsive breath on the back of her neck, she suddenly was pulled back by her limbs from underneath the monster. She screamed again, not sure at first who was pulling at her legs. As she quickly sat up, dagger in her hand ready to strike, someone placed a glass potion bottle in her bloody hands.

“Drink.” Came Geralt’s deep voice as he raised his own silver sword and expertly sliced at the cemetaur. Axelia pulled out the cork with her teeth and emptied the content of the bottle. The taste hitting her tongue and back of her throat. She hissed at the bitterness. Black Blood potion. Next few hours her blood will be poisons to whoever dared to feast on it. Then her eyes and veins and blood vessels around them turned black. Her skin almost seemingly translucent because of it. Her body was fighting the high toxicity. At least this was a plan B, for a moment.

Her eyes scanned surroundings briefly and with painful grunt she pushed herself up. Stumbling and cutting at alghoul she made her way for her silver sword. For a second she couldn’t sense it. Had it fell in some old grave? Even in this spilt second of confusion, a monster had made it’s way behind her.

“Left!” Geralt called at her and she looked at him. Next second her own silver sword was hurling through air, and swiftly she ducked to her right, as the sword lodged itself in the head of the monster, right above her shoulder. Turning and pulling her sword out of the dead monster, Axelia continued to twirl and gnash at the monsters. And the only sounds in the otherwise peaceful night, was sounds of swords cutting flesh, monster screeches and roars, and the heavy grunts and breathes that Axelia and Geralt let out.

At some point with all the monsters trying to get meat of the living, Axelia and Geralt ended up almost fighting back to back. And as finally the count of ghouls and alghouls seemed to drop, the cemetaur turned more aggressive. Axelia seemed to have locked ger gaze on one alghoul, the last she was about to kill that night, adrenaline being the only thing keeping her upright. But as she was distracted by it, she didn’t notice that Geralt had killed last two ghouls somewhere in front of her or the fact that cemetaur had chosen her as it’s first meal.

“Axelia!” Geralt’s eyes grew big, as he run to her, slicing the head off of the alghoul she was trying to kill from it’s behind. Next second Geralt was impossibly close to her. His right hand with his silver sword going above her left shoulder and wedging it in cemetaur’s throat. His left hand pulling Axelia’s sword from her hand, and with quick, skilled hand movement, her sword ended up in his now empty right hand, as he lodged it in the stumbling monster’s scull. Cemetaur falling dead right behind Axelia.

Silence.

Nothing but the cold night and their heavy breathing.

Axelia stood there, her chest pressed against his, frozen. Not moving. Her mind racing to try and catch up with everything that just happened. Geralt took a step back from her, his own jet-black gaze trained on nothing in particular somewhere behind Axelia.

“You could be dead.” Geralt hissed at her. Insulting retort went over her head, she blinked but didn’t answer. Bruises and wounds finally making themselves know on her tired body.

“I think I’m gonna pass out…” Axelia mumbled, her stance wavering as her eyes seemed empty and her shoulders slumped down.

“Now?” Geralt asked, his eyes finally turning to her. Axelia didn’t answer, her eyes fluttered shut and she fell towards him. With displeased grunt he caught her effortlessly in his hands.

part I || part II || part III || part IV || part V || part VI || part VII || part VIII || part IX || part X || part XI || part XII || part XIII | Epilogue

~~~

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[miminorenai]

Chapter 11

MC calls out Dazai at his room for meals, but he’s not inside.

According to Jeanne who’s happened to walk down the corridor, he went out already — saying to search for story material when they passed by each other that morning.

For past few days, MC realized Dazai has been disappeared.

Jeanne points MC should know better Dazai’s whereabouts since she’s the closest and always together with him — her chest makes a startling sound.

(We appeared like that from our surrounding......)

Tho recently, since he’s being gone, she’s quite lonely as they’re not spending time as much as before.

Is it because Dazai thinks she’s all right now?

Is it due to awkwardness? — she noticed his feverish gaze towards her when Dazai said he wanted to have a taste of her blood — but they were jokes to the end...

Is it because she read his incomplete novel without permission? — she remembered he said she’s his exact opposite and too dazzling — she wonders what did he mean by “opposite”...

Come to think about it, MC feels Dazai’s outing has increased since that time...

After that, when MC’s going out for shopping at the city, she happened to catch sight of Dazai as she recognized his kimono.

Worries he might spend all his money at casino, she follows Dazai to check him up.

But —

Not only MC lost sight of Dazai, she lost her direction as well.

Looking around, she realized she’s at unfamiliar place in front of a splendid church.

As MC’s loitering around to search for way home — rumbling sound’s heard from her tummy.

(Ugh......I’m sure it’s because I’m tired of walking around.)

??? “......Pff, ahaha!”

(Huh...?)

MC turn around in surprise, and a young man with lots of earrings is burst out laughing.

MC “Um...?”

??? “Ah, sorry.”

??? “I tried to call out to you — I thought you were lost since you looked around restlessly.”

??? “Then, to think your stomach’s rumbling too, what a great timing...fufu.”

(Waaah, so embarrassing to be heard by a passerby...)

??? “No need to be shy. It was cute.”

Charles “I’m Charles. You lost? Let me guide you the way. Before that......here.”

MC “Cookies? Is it fine for me to receive these?”

Charles “Yeah, I made them for children who come to visit the church, but I’ll just give them to you.”

MC “Eh, are they handmade...!?”

Charles “......Do you hate my handmade?”

As Charles’s feeling despondent and lowering the end of his eyebrows, MC shakes her head in rush.

MC “I don’t mean it like that. I’m surprised because they look tasty like they’re made by a confection store.”

MC “Thank you then, itadakimasu ~”

When MC thanking him, Charles’s face turns bright and he’s smiling sweetly.

Charles “You're welcome. Fufu, I'm glad you accepted it.”

MC “Is Charles-san from this church?”

Charles “No, but my friend is a priest here. So we’re hanging out?”

(Is church a place to hang out?)

While I think it’s strange, Charles continues to speak happily.

Charles “Come to play next time. Ah, I need to show you the way properly, right?”

MC “Ah, yes...!”

MC follows Charles and they have an exciting conversation while getting direction.

Charles’s very friendly and MC can’t help but laughing innocently.

Although they meet for the first time, MC already felt so close to him.

While enjoying the conversation, they arrive at familiar place (to MC) in a blink of an eye.

MC “It’s alright coming this far. Thanks for guiding me.”

Charles “You’re welcome.”

Charles “Ah, right, do you want to have these cookies as present? There are other flavors too.”

Saying cheerfully, when he took out the cookies from his pocket — 

MC “Ah, that handkerchief!”

Charles “Eh?”

MC spontaneously raising her voice, seeing her lost handkerchief.

Charles “Perhaps, is this yours?”

MC “That’s right! Look, this embroidery with my name......it’s Mimi initials.”

Charles “Mimi? You’re......Mimi?”

(Ah, which reminds me, I haven’t told him yet.)

MC “I’m sorry, I didn’t even give you my name. I’m Mimi.”

Charles “......”

To MC’s self introduction, Charles opens his eyes wide.

MC “Thank you for picking it up for me.”

MC “I’m grateful for the guidance, cookies, and handkerchief as well.”

When MC tries to receive it, the handkerchief suddenly slips through her hand.

(Eh?)

Charles “Hey. If you’re thankful, would you accept my request?”

MC “Huh......? Yes, if it’s something I can do.”

Charles “Then —”

He smiles with her handkerchief in his hand.

Charles “Call me Charles, not Charles-san. No need for honorific. And also — “

Charles “Let’s go on a date, Mimi.”

(Eh......!?)

Charles “I’ll return your handkerchief at that time.”

(Ehhhh......!?)

Back in the church, straight to Faust —

Charles “Hey hey! Doc, I got to know an interesting girl~”

Faust “I saw. You mean the foreign girl you went to send earlier?”

Charles “Yeah. She is ‘the girl in mansion’.”

Charles “Look, there was an information from Will before, that she came from the future through the door...a human being.”

Charles gazes at the handkerchief with Mimi's initials in his hand.

Charles “......That person is Mimi.”

Charles “But this is what I found on the night I sent the present from Ōsama to Will.”

It is picked by chance on that night when the great men were fighting at Shakespeare’s training hall.

Charles “It means that this handkerchief had dropped in Will's training hall...”

Charles “Is Mimi the presence I felt that night?”

Faust “Ho......nothing has been exposed yet, but it would be troublesome if it was seen.”

Faust “Do you want to inform His Excellency Vlad and silence her — “

Charles “Wait, doc.”

Faust “......What is it?”

Faust, who were interrupted by Charles, looking suspicious.

Charles “Hey, why don't we get along with that girl and get closer to the people in the mansion?”

Charles “Perhaps someone might cooperate with Lord Vlad?”

Faust “How about take that woman as hostage?”

Charles “So awful, doc. I don't mean it like that, I just thought it would be great if we could all get along.”

Charles “And......Mimi smelled very very delicious.”

Charles smiles as if entranced, and Faust sighs deeply when he saw it.

Faust “In the end that’s the case, huh. You have no integrity as ever.”

Charles “It’s not only that. Didn’t Lord Vlad said he wanted a stronger great man?”

Charles “Uh huh, I’ve decided. This time, I’ll give Ōsama the present.”

Faust “Isn’t there connection between His Excellency Vlad and the Count of that mansion? I wonder if it will turn out well......”

Charles and Faust get in the church while exchanging conversation.

There was a person who looked at the two of them from a distance.

Dazai “......Mimi-san, did you follow me?”

There are creases between the brows, and a slight amount of *uneasiness in the heart leaks out.

(*焦燥 - impatience, irritation

Dazai “If this goes on......”

Dazai “Don’t (let me) get any closer......”