#it seems like ppl think im just faking it or acting out or pretending that i cant be alone in the dark

[its-koili]

hey guys. sorry for being gone for so long. heres an update

(tw for: mention of violence / gore, general distress, mental health issues)

(tw below)

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basically i had a huge mental health crisis. i was having 24/7 constant rolling panic attacks from may of 2023 to january of this year. my last big meltdown was in early february. been processing a lot of CSA trauma and some recent trauma that ive gone through. i think i talked about my panic attacks before leaving social media but idk i dont remember. isolated myself from absolutely everybody.

the main thing that made me leave was that while i was keeping up to date on the g3n0c1d3 (censoring bc idk how tumblr is about it), and when i was looking in the replies / related of the awareness videos, i came across 4 accounts dedicated to using gore for clicks / shock. not videos of the g3n0c1d3 (thank god bc of how they were using the vids) but of unfortunate every day situations and cam footage. like, the kind of stuff you could see on liveleak back in 2010. just out in the open on twitter. they all had usernames like "(insert number here) ways to die)". they were all content farms for click/ad revenue. it was too much it was a huge trigger and i had a full on meltdown. the bluecheck ppl on twitter were using the replies of the videos people uploaded for raising awareness to upload mindless g0re for money. the fact that peoople have 0 compassion for human life sent me into a spiral that i couldnt get out of. (i reported 3 out of the 4 accounts i was able to and 3 got taken down but 1 is still up and it odesnt seem to be uploading the hardcore g0r3 anymore. so thats good. but that was one of the reasons i left social media. ive been keeping up to date w the news but thats it. i left my socials entirely and ive only been on my phone to look up recipes or to use my computer for media research groceries and gaming and shows

that was the main thing that pushed me to leave. i just couldnt take it anymore. during the start of my crisis last year, i was planning on taking a small break, but all of that pushed me over the edge and i dropped everything. after that, my issues got worse and i dont remember most of it. thankfully. but i couldnt bring myself to talk to anybody. i isolated myself and just. laid in bed. but im doing better so i guess thats good

on another topic ive beeen nervous to post this on main but during all of this (ive talked abt tihs a little bit on my priv before i left) i found out that im a system a long while back. my dad (one of my abusers) had/has DID and it terrified me to think that i could be anything like him. i also knew cereal abuser who pretended to be a system to get away with stuff/abusing their friends (and then years later admitted that they werent a system and siad that systems are fake.) LOTS of tears. lots of crying over this. was in denial for a few weeks. cried some more. then eventually came to terms with it.

i dont want to post abt my system online too much bc i dont want to act like this is some fun trendy thing bc its not. it makes day to day living very hard (some lighter/funnier issues that make it hard are: arguing with an alter bc YOU dont know where THEY put YOUR MEDS, not being able to cook because one alter can and the other cant, your art style not being consistent because their styles are different). i dont want to really make it a massive part of my identity online bc its not a big deal! theres just Multiple Little Guys in my brain. so. im a system! im the same but....this explains why i dont remember talking to certain people SUIDHUFHX. i always felt bad. makes conversing with online friends hard especially if icons/usernames are changed. ill make a separate post about this someday thatll go into detail a bit more.

i went years thinking it was just "kinning" but it wasnt lol. it turns out that your personality completely shifting, tastes in food / music / art / media changing, the way you walk / talk dress changing, and having complete memory blackouts when you """"kin shift"""" isn't normal. /lh (dw ive had a lot of time to come to terms with this)

but basically right now ive been spending time getting to,,know myself?? iive been using simplyplural for myself for several months and im uncovering a lot of my memories / trauma ect bc alters can write down what they need to in the chat. so i can go back later and read it. its been v helpful!

i will not be coming back just yet. i have no interest in using social media rn or drawing or writing unfortunately. ive been working on my original stuff here and there but i havent been drawaing fandom stuff bc im not hyperfixating on a fandom.

also. some things have come up. im not going to say anything until the party in question is stable/safe/comfortable before i even suggest anything for context (i dont plan on talking abt anything at all unless they start talking publicly). right now i am helping someone through abuse. their wellbeing is my #1 concern. i'll think about other things after im sure theyre okay.

i dont really have any resolutions as to how things are going but i do feel better and im not having as many panic attacks. i dont really know where im going with this now sorry. just trying to brush over the basic topics before i go. idk if anybody remembers me bc ive been gone for so long so idk if im just talking into the wind but if i am thats fine honestly this is helping me reorganize my thoughts (i type these vents out a lot on docs so i probably wont remember posting this hiudhvu)

other than that. i dont draw or write anymore. i think in the past 6 months ive drawn like....5 things. its. weird. im completely disconnected from fandoms now. coming up to a full year of not having a hyperfixation at all.

my bday was on the 6th. im 27 now im very old (everybody forgot it asides from my husband (and the people he reminded) n my abuser). ive been trying to cook and bake more and ive been playing video games again. planning on getting back into drawing soon and working on my original stuff. when i come back im planning on redesigning my profiles and updating my social media bios and stuff bc theyre so old. also ill make a section on my carrd for my system. there you go theres some positivity to the update nxfjdfjh. sorry if i dont seem very enthused im very tired so typing has been a chore hfuidshuifv.

sorry that this was a lot or if it seems disjointed i was trying to put down as much into this as possible without making it too long

bye!!! see u all soon!

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

personal experience so i dont rlly have a huge scope on this. but i don't think i can call my experiences being raised as a cis girl for 14 yrs of my life "female socialization" and i dont want to, nor do i find that framing to be very intuitive...

this post ended up kinda long so im putting it under a read more

the way ppl are using female socialization kind of suggests it as someone melding in perfectly with the gender roles/behaviors society expected of them, like it's a strong internalization that we fully accepted until coming out as trans and that like. confuses the fuck out of me. cause i never even fit in the spot of "cishet girl" that was expected of me. it was a title thrusted upon me that i tried to redefine in every way to make it palpable cause i didn't know any other option existed. i felt like a wholly different gender from the people i grew up around and i purposefully rejected how i was expected to behave while kicking and screaming, because it felt intrinsically wrong for me to be what they wanted me to be. (my mom even gave me the words "gender neutral" to call myself long before i came out, and it was my favorite way to describe myself)

and like, luckily for me my punishment for going against this wasn't super extreme, but i still was very much punished by my peers. with my family such as my dad and extended family members, there was this subtle aspect of needing to gently correct my behavior through suggestion by hoping that i would some day start acting "like a girl" and show interest in what that means, but they eventually gave up when that day never came.

ive picked up on survival methods against cishet men because i know how they see me and what i have to do to avoid being a victim of their violence. and i dont think that's a very unique experience at all... like i dont think acting in specific behaviors under duress as a survival tactic makes something a part of someone's personality. i do the whole fake polite thing even though i really wanna bite their head off but i do not have any sort of physical self defense available to me. idk how to articulate this super well so...

it really just seems like "you were exposed to these gender roles so you're more willing to engage in behaviors associated with the gender society forced you to pretend to be" ... shrug

[mithliya]

"^_^ but thank u for taking the time to use that to actually defend actual lesbophobia that was expressed'

first of all I'm literally not defending it I agree she's lesbophobic and I've never liked ms-revived-frogs tbh she says so much shit off the cuff and then completely doubles down unreasonably. she's just a contrarian that think she's the only one that really understands anything. maybe a symptom of her age but im still not gonna give her a pass or then she'll just continue to b like that.

second of all I literally wasn't the anon that sent any of those original asks but I did know wtf they are talking about w piqued. idk about the rest im only talking about the piqued thing. i just think its crazy how radblr can correctly recognize those comparisons are lesbophobic and wrong, but when people call us dick worshipers or spread essays on how we're identical to men, suddenly thats no biggie and the only evil is that the bihets think they have the right to complain. piqued was the least bad person to reblog that shit essay bcoz she at least partly acknowledged some bits were bad, but she still thinks that the "bad" parts like comparing our sexual assaults to TIM completely fake murder stats or saying we're dick worshipers or the premise of the essay on how we're identical to men are completely acceptable to pass around even if their 'bad' if she decides she thinks its worth it, and us rape victims are pathetic if we take offense at her choice. and thats the thing even when u all say that harassment or abuse against bi women is "bad", a lot of ppl on here just treat it as like a fart in the room at most nothing real and nothing realated to real pain or oppression just annoying whining. ppl oppose it in theory but in practice they completely let ppl like that off the hook and show way more anger at any bisexuals that bring up the topic of how ppl harass us treating us like we're complaining over nothing. no ones gonna call desisapphic, ornitomoltorinco, like-a-ruby, eliminatedmighty, angrylesbianatwork, and dozens others that passed that shit around homophobes for making light of our rape and using it as a gotcha or misogynists for how they call us dick worshippers. no one's ever gonna spare any anger for them even if they mildly criticize, it all goes only into insisting that bi "male worshipers" exagerate everything and can be believed. And I'm not talking about you but rad spaces as a whole. I actually don't think ur that bad about bi women at all, u at least call bullshit bullshit when its direct, but you seem completely unable to call out sussy shit thats in between the lines, and the thing is i know u can coz ur smart and you do it all the time with other shit. but unfort a lot of people are alot shittier about bi women than u, i don't get why you have to pretend theyre not and bis are just making everything up.

“i just think its crazy how radblr can correctly recognize those comparisons are lesbophobic and wrong”

the idea that radblr is collectively recognising this as lesbophobic & wrong is laughable to me. i’m seeing more ppl outright justifying her lesbophobia n demonising me for criticising it than i am seeing ppl saying it was lesbophobic. and of the ppl calling it lesbophobic, almost every single one is a lesbian.

ur paragraph about piqued is.. literally nothing she even said. “TIM completely fake murder stats” is bizarre to say bc like.

the rate of transwomen of colour being murdered isn’t a myth. the myth is acting like trans women are the most vulnerable group, which overall they are not. however black or latam trans women are absolutely at high risk of being murdered:

and almost everything u took issue with is stuff she mentioned as an issue as well:

like idk i find it absolutely insane that of all the ppl u could have gone after, u specifically chose the lesbian who agreed with ur takes here and chose to demonise her. there’s also the fact that youre expecting *others* to go after what *you* find problematic *on your behalf* instead of just.. doing it urself? i mean none of u did shit when tagai/tonguehurt was harassing me and even happily grouped us together and acted like we were besties when she left. none of u cared when that general circle was being awful to me. and most of u directed not even 1/20th of the attacks directed at me towards the ppl u named above. and then on top of that ur like “hey why don’t u go after these ppl i disagree with harder? even tho we won’t call out the lesbophobia within our circles or call the ppl we disagree with out ourselves or anything else” .. just bizarre frankly

also i actually had no issue with ms-revived-frogs before ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i disagreed with some things but the lesbians are unempathetic stuff she said was shocking to me bc i didn’t expect it from her. her inability to take any accountability and readiness to demonise me despite me giving her the benefit of the doubt n simply politely explaining how she was lesbophobic was also shocking to me considering she made it seem like she was an ally to lesbians. so how u felt about her prior to that doesn’t matter to me tbh, no one needs to dislike or hate her or anyone else. but that lesbophobia should be criticised

btw never heard of eliminatedmighty, i did criticise angrylesbianatwork but she’s inactive now anyways, don’t know what ornito did, and at most i disagree with like-a-ruby and desisapphic on some things but i’ve seen ppl go after those two and literally no one else you’ve mentioned which.. again i do find it interesting that the women who say they want front row seats to see a woman being abused by her bf/husband and called women misogynistic terms such as bulldyke-rider or others in her direct circle aren’t ppl that y’all go after nearly as much as ppl like desisapphic

[dreadark]

disorganized rant zz

why does it feel like the entire internet has decided misogyny doesn’t exist 

this is just me complaining about random shit I’ve seen I don’t know about trends or anything just. also i don’t go outside

idk I saw a post recently saying something like, since white women can’t pretend to be oppressed anymore now they’re— okay hang on. what? im not even going to read the rest of that because.. what? what do you mean pretend… what do you mean anymore… what world do you live in…

do you actually think being white cancels out misogyny or something. like I don’t even know where to begin with this… I really feel like somehow people have taken to adding “white” before they make a blatantly misogynistic statement so they can avoid criticism lmao. ah damn we can’t object now or we’ll be racist !

obviously some of them are fucking awful and being a woman doesn’t excuse that and white women have certain privilege others don’t etc etc. no shit dude. but this is…so beyond objecting to just that... also people really love shitting on white women in particular even more than white people in general which really I Wonder Why

i remember when roe was overturned and there were a bunch of people being like wait this is bad. because it can even affect trans men, and also certain minorities will be worse off

those are relevant points yeah but… can you not just care about… women in general..??? sorry now I sound like a fucking all lives matter guy but how else can I say this, sure some rich (usually white) women might be able to get around it but it doesn’t change how this is primarily an issue of women’s bodily autonomy. also I don’t even think the ability to sidestep it means they’re not affected, that they still have to do something extra is.. bad..?

I don’t think it’s wrong to point out those caveats or anything, it’s just a weird feeling I get that a lot of people won’t care if you just mention it’s bad for women. because they don’t think misogyny is a real issue anymore

also in more minor things, being gacha-diseased as I am (sorry) watching ppl act like media is unfairly biased against male characters is… a take… (it’s not even remotely true in gacha !! what !!! Every time I remember that one stat about how ppl perceive women as talking the majority of the time when they talk more than 33% or smth *don’t remember the exact number sorry. told you this is just some rant)

yknow what it’s not just gacha, either it’s bad for female characters to exist because it’s political (lol) or it’s bad because it’s waifubait for straight men. well most people will see the first one for bullshit but the second… is something why I am so glad you’re unable to see female characters as anything other than sex objects! (you don’t need to be attracted to women to do that btw)

it’s really depressing to see this even from people who seem like they should have better views on this stuf (how do I phrase this...)

ah right recently i saw a quote from someone involved with tlou2 circulating around tumblr about how all games except tlou2 were bad or something

Obviously it was a fake quote. i mean...tlou2... i’ve never played it but we’ve all heard the complaints about it for the crime of having a muscular woman or something. and also just being bad in general because it has to be a triple A gameTM idk I didn’t look too into this honestly im not into these things

and yknow what im sure it’s not a very good game, you’re allowed to dislike things, etc. but because of the type of backlash, maybe you should have a thought that when someone posts something outlandishly bad related to it, mmmmaybe they have some kind of agenda. just a thought

(yeah if you looked in that post’s comments the op was going on to defend gamergate. and i suppose a lot of people now don’t even know what that is...)

so it’s like, why does this matter--you can see it with that post itself, you just gave that guy a platform to tell a bunch of previously unaware people about why diversity in video games is bad and women are ruining everything actually. but hey that’s fine because we fixed misogyny already don’t worry about it

....i really think a lot of this is coming from people who don’t realize, and that might be the worst part of it...

[sanchoyo]

i started watching arc v! finally. after years of saying Im Gonna. its Happening. (i've tried to twice and cant recall what eps i got to in those attempts, because I literally dont remember anything at ALL LMAO) I'm like, 15 eps in and may I just say some Things. ep 1-15 thoughts below the Cut

-yuzu best girl immediately my god shes already been done dirty tho. she shouldve gotten to fight shingo! fuck emo yuya for stopping it and stepping in! (altho yaaaay xyz :3 my beloved) and also she loses the first duel we see her get to do? when her dad is literally the owner of a duel school?? and his school was at stake?? bc she was distracted thinking of Not Yuya? no. fuck off with that lol I'm picking her up and mentally rewriting all that. the girl she dueled against was super fun tho, I ship them tbh.

-yuya is finally the canonical clown ygo protag I needed. he dresses as a clown in ep 1! he has! a circus deck! thats so fun! hes a LOT more melancholic/prone to moodiness than I expected...the goggles as a mood indicator is fun. also seems to care VERY much what ppl think/need lots of applause and praise or he gets upset quickly which. like, wanting to put smiles on ppls faces with dueling is a sweet goal, but a lot of it feels self-serving, too, which is Inchresting for a protag...I LIKE it and want to see where it goes

-and the whole 'laugh when you want to cry' is, ngl, very Bad and Unhealthy and I cant imagine we're going anywhere good with that. (seriously, dont recall what ep, maybe 4 or 5, when the kids and yuzu were in danger he started LAUGHING trying to imrpove his own mood and i was like DUDE. UNNERVING STOP THAT.) let him feel his feelings guys. or this is going to go severely Bad I Think

-dont trust sora but also no shit? his intro is him being sus, basically outright saying 'ya where I come from everyone does fusion, nbd' yeah hes some kind of spy or SOMETHING for that academia that emo yuya was taking abt. and his deck is very cute but also has a dark side/creepy cute thing going on and this is ygo where Decks Indicate Personality, so. just kinda Waiting for him to Stab Backs. hes already kind of a little shit

-he 100% shouldve been dueling that guy gongenzaka had to duel! gongenzaka doesnt even GO here and ms Chairman said someone from this school had to duel her school students! if you want to fake being friends with yuya! you need to fucking put in some EFFORT!!! and at least pretend to give a shit dude, this is the school the guy you supposedly admire attends!!! it comes off as u not giving a fuck abt anything besides pendulum/yuya-related stuff which is gonna make yuya less inclined to wanna be ur friend bc u look like a brat! (I know the meta answer is that they wanted to give gongenzaka some screentime to convince me hes yuyas bff or w/e but. in my mind its been 10 or so eps by this point, yuzu is yuyas bff in my mind lol. )

-anyway that aside soras deck is SO cute. the BEARS!! ARE IN!!!! the 'acting younger/cuter than u are' shtick is already kind of annoying tho. I do like his chara design tho (at least his hair/face? Id redesign his outfit ngl if hes going for a cutecore/sweets theme why not go ALL in yk)

-gongenzaka's whole 'no spells/traps' and standing in one spot during an action duel is objectively really funny

-action duels in general are SO FUN!!! i want to ride my monsters too..i kno theyd be soft. pls.

-really wanted to see more masumi or her vs yuya!!! so sad reiji stepped in. pls let the girls DO MORE!!! i love that she used gem knights!! I love gem knights!!!

-didnt know reiji used d/d/d cards, immediately broke out into a cold sweat upon seeing them. those decks always destroy me in duel links in like 2 turns jkasfkjjn.

-its so funny theres entire classes just for synchro and xyz and most ppl in this world can just Do One of them Only. like everyone being SHOCKED reiji can do All of them LMAO.

-surprised at how much I like reiji actually from just what ive seen up to this point, I mean I Like the other ygo rivals and all but usually they have an Attitude...but hes very polite to yuya and him saying he respects yuya's dad is REFRESHING compared to everyone else calling his dad a coward (for?? seemingly going MISSING??) his fashion choices leave a lot to be desired tho. but otherwise him and yuzu are my favs so far I think...we'll see if this changes!

-I KNOW charas from other series get involved, dont know WHEN thatll be, but I am Excitedly Waiting. give me The King Jack. Give me Kaito. I dont know who all besides those two shows up Actually But Im WAITING AAAA.

[official-maverick]

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[fairycosmos]

can't believe you actually put that into words. i feel the same only i haven't ever even been capable of mantaining relationships or making friends but yeah. i feel like my brain does not work properly. i can't process words or even react normally. there IS a standard and basically everyone around me can function and i can't. it's just like you said. i feel like i am simply not fit to live. i can't function like a human being. i don't know if it's the trauma or some of us were not meant to live. i feel like i am never in myself or being myself like i am just a vessel and i don't even feel a connection to my body. also like you said like even the way i stand is wrong. like i am so out of it. it's all literally like you said. i can't even pretend or fake it and it takes all of my to even try to speak or make a facial expression too. i am absolutely certain i cannot live. like this is going to have to be over soon because it also can't be fixed. you just put all of this into words better than me but you are so right about everything. i don't know what are we supposed to do chloe? it's awful living like this everything is overwhelming and confusing and unbearable

:(( literally unbearable, that's the only word that keeps coming back to my mind, it's the only thing that comes close to describing it. i am really really sorry you can relate because it is is the worst fucking feeling but at the same time i have to say it's a bit of a relief to hear that someone knows what i mean. i'm so embarrased at my complete lack of ability to exist sometimes. facial expressions, completing simple tasks, emotional regulation etc it all escapes me. same, it's like there's quite literally a wedge in my mind stopping it from functioning. conversations are so hard, everything is. keeping up the facade. even when i'm just standing there, it feels so wrong. what you said about being a vessel, it's very much that. just the constant feeling of inhabiting some strangers skin. i am so clunky. i don't know what people want. and i feel like this has been talked about before in a, i don't know who i am, sort of way but it's not even that for me. i just don't know how to "be" in the first place, in the way that is deemed acceptable by collective society anyway. there 100% is a standard, yeah, idk why we pretend there's not. and most ppl seem to meet it. even if it's acting they meet it, and i don't know how. seems like they're all in on something i'm not?? i don't think it's that some people aren't meant to live, though i get feeling that way out of frustration, i do all the time. but we're all just here by accident, some ppl are just more.......compatible w their own brains maybe?? im phrasing that weird idk. i am glad you're here and i mean that in the least patronizing way. and u definitely shouldn't have to suffer so much just to make other ppl happy but just wanted to say it's a good thing you're alive and you do deserve better than what you've been through and i don't think it's impossible to think that better experiences r waiting for you. i think it's a mixture of trauma, mental illness, certain disorders, also just living in a world like this not 2 sound like the joker or whatever. a lot of that pain can't be fixed but it can be soothed, at least when it comes to trauma and mental health, adulthood CAN be a process of recovery, at least i'm hoping. well idk for me at this point w the whole money and therapist and working thing but for a lot of people, it can. i hope the opportunity for that falls on you soon and i really hope you just do what you can to take care of yourself above all else. ur messages make me feel a lot less alone, seriously. my inbox is always open and im always sending u sm love and gratitude <3 check in w me any time we will be neurotic and panicked and sad together

[littlebabycrybtch]

i genuinely feel like ableism is just intentionally being left the fuck behind as a social issue. all the twitter faketivists are just Over it man. pretending to be selfless and manipulating every unnecessarily critical thought they have into a ‘stance tm’ to validate their underdeveloped random feelings and make them actually seem like a moral obligation for others really has to be exhausting. i mean, they already support the groups theyre a part of which benefits them, and the groups they have to support if they want social praise from their peers, which also benefits them, why would they wanna support the ~ACTUALLY weird and different~ minorities, when it wont even benefit them??? which is ofc what real activism is about??? the benefits and clout??? god theyre so fake and so ready to have their one allotted slur they want the r word so bad they want their one cringe punching bag minority so baaaad they NEED to validate their discomfort with autistic people. with psychotic people. with the undiagnosed. and they get off scott free bc nobody will give them consequences. and when WE try to oh these ugly bitches ACTUALLY think theyre allowed a free pass for that bc they have anxiety and a personality disorder or w/e. lmao fuck you bitch, frankly fuck all that discourse about ‘autistic people arent rude!’, im gonna be so rude on purpose now. im gonna start flapping directly into allistic peoples eye sockets. 

lbr, the reason for all of this is 1. other minority groups are becoming more about how to be ~cool~ and trendy with it than just . focusing on actual struggles and harm reduction (see; lgbt exclusion behavior lmaog) and mentally ill/disabled ppl might have more trouble copying uncharming funnyman social traits (or are too smart for that) which makes us harder 2 respect ofc :( we’re not an easily digestible copy of their personality,,, we’re not people if we cant put on a performance for them, theyre like toddlers and need constant entertainment and reminders that we’re human through performative displays of relatability if we want them to stop oppressing us, and 2. most of us are disabled/ill in ways that make us unfortunately vulnerable, its hard to protect or advocate for ourselves sometimes, and 9 times out of 10 now speaking up anywhere causes intense unregulated social consequences bc we arent taken seriously and none of yall are willing to drop the clown act and risk being labelled ‘cringe’ for supporting us. so tbh, if you wanna be Real allies im begging you to actually start ‘cancelling’ ableists. you’re fully capable of it and showcase this all the time, so no excuses. cancel them into dust. if you care and dont wanna just lie to yourself about that, you need to disallow ableists in your space, try to give ableists in power consequences for it, stop Laughing At Ableism, and be ready to listen to us tell you why something is harmful even when it makes your privileged ass uncomfortable or confused. ill gladly explain it to you till you get it. first lesson! you wont get it bc ur not us. get over that and respect us anyways. make the easy benign changes in your life when we request it bc you have that power over us and we’re asking for to make it easier on us to exist. dont question it bc its not your question to ask. and if ur wondering why that should be your responsibility (even tho u dont wonder that with other minorities), u owe us that much letting us rot in asylums our entire lives for decades being experimented on and abused to death with eugenics , omg thankskskskskxkxkxk XOXO ! <3

[starsxinxthexbluexsky]

Hi, there. I just wanted to add to your last ask my thoughts. As for me I’m more like GG (we could also date haaaa). But I think ppl often interpret his politeness as if he’s naive and too trustful. I just want to add at first we can clearly see his development from his XFire days till now. Even then, if you watch his XFire vligs and interviews you could see he’s actually a warm person outside but a little cold inside. What I mean (it’s my personal opinion, ok?). It’s that being warm and polite doesn’t always mean that the person is open for you like a book, and being cold doesn’t mean rude but it means that he lets only few ppl get really closer to him. Only the ones he can trust and with time flying I think he got more careful about ppl around. It’s just like me. I have friends, mates from work, college. But such ppl like me and gg are really hard to trust ourselves fully to someone. We’d better hold our worries and problems to ourselves as we don’t want and don’t see the point to burden others with your problems as everyone’s life is hard and instead we’d better listen to other people and coax them. Besides, I can’t say here for gg for sure, but I can feel something familiar that we want ppl to love us, but not because we want something from them, we just want ppl to like us because if they don’t we start to look for a reason not in ppl but in ourselves. (What did I do wrong? Maybe I talk very strange? Maybe I said not right word) and it makes you feel bad. Especially if u’re a perfections and want everything to be done right. And one more important moment, as for such ppl like me and gg it’s important to keep your face, be well-mannered because it’s good, it’s accepted in public, it’s what most ppl like and what’s make them happy. But we are not toys, we can’t always be in a good mood and very nice. So we also have this naughty side that we can’t show to most ppl, as we are afraid to be misunderstood and that ppl will hate it. So we behave naughty only with close ppl as we’re sure that they will accept any side we show

Ahhhhh!!! Anon, I have loved your comment (about going out, who knows? 👀👀👀😂😂) I have other questions before yours, but I preferred yours. Does that make me a bad girl 😂😂?

Fake. CPN. I don't pretend to offend anyone with this post.

Actually I understand quite little about GG's personality (but, I understand him more since, I think they're SZD, than before), thanks for explaining me a bit, the truth is, if he seemed lonely in X-Nine, something like he was warm and gentle in that time too, but i think he was feeling belittled by his company when he's a pearl, that must have made him feel very sad. Also, I forgot to add to the other response, that he needs someone to tell him that he is the best, because sometimes he thinks that he isn't that and it's sad for me to see him belittle himself.

In my case I am more similar to DD and if you allow me I will explain my version, since you explained yours 😂😂.

If you see him with UNIQ, he got along with his brothers and there is a lot of trust, as with the TTXS brothers (although I think DD likes to talk more with people much older than him) He must act cute because he had to win some fame, but that wasn't really DD's personality and it's really weird for me to see him on UNIQ (not because I think he felt lonely with the UNIQ members, but after he got away from them). Sometimes, when I saw him, after UNIQ separated. I thought he was a little lost, I am 1 year younger than him, but he seemed lonely at times too. (I don't want to offend anyone).

Both, he and I hate being in physical contact with strangers, especially if cause misunderstands. It gives me chills just thinking about it ... 😄😄😄

Most of the time I am very nervous around new people and when they approach me in a friendly manner, I give them an intense look (as if analyzing them), I don't care much what is socially accepted. if I don't like you, I won't talk to you, I'll pass. I have a bad mood, little patience and I am self-centered, I always want attention of my closest people. I will feel sad if you hate me, but I will keep it in the bottom of my heart and I can hurt with my words. I will always say what I think, my mouth has no filter

If i've been watching you for a while, maybe I may smile at you out of courtesy, but if I don't like you, I won't look at you. I will give short answers such as "yes" "no", "you don't care" (I can't say in the case of DD, but he is also curt when he doesn't want to talk about something, besides his work environment doesn't always allow him to be honest with the things he wants to say, although "No sense" says a lot, doesn't it?)

My face is an open book and my way of being too, if I'm jealous, if I'm angry, if I'm happy, it's going to show on my face. DD is the same, he can't hide it, it's obvious and that's funny.

The case is also that if you don't like me, then you are wrong, because I didn't do anything wrong, if you don't like my personality or my way of being the problem is yours and I will walk away so that I don't have to see you and that you don't look at me, I don't want to suffer discomfort.

But, once I get warm with that one person, I'm not going to leave her/im, I'll smile at him/er and make him/er as happy as possible, I'll defend you and be selfish (especially if I like that person 😂😂. DD seems to be like that too, when he warms up, he is kind and sweet, he gives you his attention and smiles.) But, if I do something wrong, I will apologize and leave you, if you do something I will forgive you, but it will never be the same. For people like DD and me it is somewhat difficult to warm up to people, we are cold on the outside, but warm on the inside and we act for instinct.

I may not know much about DD, only his GG knows that, but there are things I see that I can say that we are alike.

Long, but I wanted to say it. 😂😂😂

[the-starset-system]

Do you got any ideas for increasing communication? I really wanna talk to my system but it's so hard :(

I could just give you the common advice but you can find all of that with a quick Google search. Lemme give you some stuff that's personally helped us:

GET OUTTA mY RoOm IM PLAyiNG MINECRAF

Lmao I couldn't resist, but yee, Minecraft has actually helped us communicate more than anything. It gives everyone creative freedom and with mechanics like signs and books it's easy to leave notes within the game. The littles adore it too :D

I actually have a lot to say about playing as a system on Minecraft, so I might make a separate post if any of you want to hear. I'll probably be discussing how it helps and how to set all that stuff up, since figuring out how everything would work with inventory and stuff rattled our brain at first (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

Art!

Creating things is a great way to learn more about your system and maybe uncover trauma details in a more gentle fashion! We personally draw and write, but music, dance, videos, etc. all work!

It doesn't even have to be about your system, it could be feelings or thoughts. Just something to pick your brain, to learn more about yourself since it's easy to fall down a pit when you don't know who you are, let alone your system.

That's one of the most important things in my opinion, having a grounded sense of self before really jumping into everything. When we jumped in not really knowing who we are ourselves it was hard to understand one another and I do believe that carelessness still affects us to this day, so just try to understand your own self as well

Don't laugh, but dress up games

Yeah yeah I know the kinda reputation some of them hold, but when we first discovered we were a system and started trying to work together that was the first thing we done. We knew we didn't identify with this body, but at the same time a majority of us were particularly unsure of what we did look like. Having little avatars to dress up was so helpful cause we would ask ourselves "does this feature have any significance?" or "Why am I attached to this certain feature?". Slowly after sifting through different options we could say "that's me". It was really reassuring and helped us recognize each other. It even helped with figuring out who was fronting because someone would feel unsettled about a certain feature being missing.

We still use little apps sometimes for fun or if someone new split / came out of dormancy :]

Making time

This is gonna sound silly, but think of communicating with your system the same way you would in a relationship. This is something you're likely gonna be dealing with for a good while so it's good to have close bonds with everyone. Bonds are the key to communicating cause I mean, would you wanna talk to someone you dislike?? If you're having trouble with system conflict I'd recommend checking out my other post I made about it.

But where does making time come into this? Aha sorry I actually got off topic but I feel like it's important regardless so I ain't erasing it-

What I mean by making time is well, making time. It's harder to communicate when there's so much going on around you cause you'll get distracted. What we do is set out however much free time we have that day to bundle up in our room and pretend we're sleeping, when in reality the low amount of sensory stimuli makes it easy to focus on talking to everyone. This doesn't always goes as planned, sometimes we just have bad days and can't communicate. If that's the case we'll keep trying for a few minutes before going off to do something else.

That's one thing to always remember, everyone has bad day and that's okay!

So, those are some ideas, but I also wanted to go over some things you should avoid too, kinda like do's and dont's!

Forcing communication

There's often a reason someone in the system avoids communicating, as well as a reason you may not be able to communicate with anyone. At the end of the day you gotta remember this was formed out of survival, needing to not be able to communicate, to forget, in order to properly function.

If things aren't helping then maybe give it some time, you might just not be at a good point in your life right now and your brain knows, saying "hey, we still don't feel too good, I wanna be prepared for any other tough situations we might go through" and that's okay. The mass media loves to portray ppl with DID having flawless communication and that's just not the truth. People understand it's a hard battle and I can assure you many in the community have your back :]

Fake claiming

-One of my worst habits, it's easy to say "no that's not real". Sometimes it might not be but I know from my own mistakes that more than likely it is. It can hurt a lot of system members, making them feel like their voice doesn't matter or even make them go on a spiral if they really are real.

I don't really have much more to say, it's pretty self explanatory. Just keep an open mind

You don't have to be differentiated

Another thing we're all guilty of, we thought we had to all act super different to be valid. Spoiler alert: you're valid no matter what

Once again, I feel like it's pretty self explanatory, but forcing yourself to be different from x, y, and z person sucks cause you never get to be yourself. You don't need to be differentiated, your perfect the way you are, regardless of who may share those same traits

That's all I can think of right now, but knowing me I'll come up with a million more things after I post this

I did come up with a really good explanation of what building communication is like though and I wanted to share:

Think of it as leveling up in a video game. All these tasks may seem useless but slowly your collecting XP and getting closer to your goal. That's why you gotta keep at it!

So, keep going on those seemingly useless quests and fighting that boss monster no matter how many times you get thrown to the ground, cause every last bit is worth it (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

I hope this helps! Sorry if I got a bit off topic! I have a habit of that (• ▽ •;) I was writing on and off so things may be a bit choppy. Aaaa sorryyyy but thank you for the askkkk! And remember, I am not a professional and my words should not replace / overwrite seeking professional help if possible! Regardless, I hope you have a good week! 💫

[bau-rookie]

don’t mind me, just thinking about the one and only Emily Prentiss and how much of a kind and caring person she is esp this season:

when Spencer is lashing out from anger, she comes to him and tries to reconnect with him. reassured him the victim will be okay, talks abt the case details, even tries to make jokes about Rossi’s cooking to lighten the mood. when it’s clear Spencer is shutting her out, she opens up about how she feels instead while still acknowledging Spencer’s hurt.

at the end of “Painless”, she leaves Spencer and Morgan to their prank war and goes to Hotch, and even tho it’s nothing major, she asks what’s on his mind and he tells her about Jack facing a bully at school.

in “Epilogue” she takes the time to check in on Rossi privately. earlier everyone was crowding over him when he was reading the newspaper, which is overwhelming and ofc he just hides and deflect. but this way, Emily gives him the space to tell her about his ex-wife and her illness.

now, this isn’t new to this season. Emily’s always been the first to check in on people, even when she was still new, still felt like an outside who maybe felt like she had no right to pry. even when she seemed so reluctant to open up and share about herself or her past, she tried to hear ppl out.

When S2 Reid was acting out due to his drug problem, she called him out on it out of concern, that even the rest of the team weren’t willing to show for some reason and he even chewed her out saying they’ve only known each other a couple of months and she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Or when Morgan made Penelope upset when she was talking abt that guy she met in the coffee shop that later shot her, Emily was all you can tell me what’s bothering you over the phone.

but S7 Emily is less direct. the turning point is probably when she learns that Derek insists on her doing recertification training not Hotch. Emily pulls him aside and tries to ask him what’s really going, but when Morgan deflects, she gets defensive. you’re nervous about me being back, messing up the team’s rhythm. just tell me. Until Morgan confesses that he’s blamed himself, needs reassurance that Emily can handle herself when he isn’t there to worry abt her. and Emily goes oh. this isn’t about me at all. this is about what they had to go through because i died.

She’s extremely guilty about having to fake her death and put everyone through so much pain, and while she’s glad to be back, she understands she just can’t pretend everything’s back to normal or that everyone’s 100% okay with her being back. she’s been gone awhile. It’ll be an adjustment. so while that’s happening she tentatively tries to reconnect with the team.

so from then on, she doesn’t let her pride or ego get in the way. Emily makes it about them and not her. she approaches them quietly, and even tho it’s tense and hard and awkward, she’s the first to start a dialogue. she tries to be gentle and give the others space to open up.

as if she’s saying im sorry i left but im here now. im not entitled to whatever’s going on with you but im here to listen if that’s what you need. im not going anywhere.

because the last thing Emily wants to do is get a second chance at life with the people she cares most about and not let them know how much she loves them, that she’s there for them.

[miaxeu]

      though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, MIA STOEGER is actually a descendent of DIONYSUS. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-ONE year old MYTHOLOGICAL STUDIES MAJOR from LOS ANGELES, USA has taken after HER godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite CHARISMATIC & DUPLICITOUS. 

( y’all dont deserve this real messy intro but im workin w half a bwain cell at 4am so i beg thee 4 mercy. nywyy im the excited new girl who’s hella pumped to meet all ur charas : katya ! feel free to hop in my ims to plot or drop a like and i’ll hop in urs ! x  )

POWERS

natural acting abilities — her ma’s a hollywoo agent so she started actin real early & now shes a big shot actress. there r more deetz on her career below !

chlorokinesis — it wasnt as natural as acting n she only started working on it when she turned 13 n started going to camps. b4 she just noticed shes good w plants but it wasnt super crazy or nything. its p good now tho ! shes prioritizing vine binding and manipulation 4 the self defense bc awards r cool n all but they dont rlly protecc from monsters ykwim 

levitation — shes trying her best ur honor

alcokinesis  — she cant conjure it or anything, she’s just immune to it ffff

BIO POINTS — cw: drug use ( full biography here )

her mom raised her by herself bc dionysus the party god was out of the picture immediately. she never told mia she’s a demigod & it was always just “ wow ur so talented ” or “ aww u got a green thumb ! ” but when she saw him claim 13 y/o mia by placing a weird hologram over her head while she slept, she knew she had to spill da beanz & tell her kid

ofc mia thought her mom was jus playing sum weird acting exercise w her bc her powers r so lowkey she could highkey just be a Mortal but insert sad whistle, the realizashun & the claiming meant heightened monster threat !! so yea ,,, one ended up chasing her a couple days later rip 

aside from the trauma, mia was ok. mostly bc she ended up cryin for dionysus like any child would n lo & behold he came & helped !!! as he should. nywy she made sure to go to summer camps every year after that but mostly just for protection purposes

she lowkey rlly hates this whole god business esp now that shes grown lmfao deadass thinks she got a bad deal bc life threats arent sexy !!! went to eonia eventually bc its Too Much Man. she just wants to go back to work and her life w the mortals w/o worryin for her life. would deadass fade her father if she could. may or may not be majoring in greek mythology to figure out the logistics of it all out of spite, who knows !

PERSONALITY

not ! a Drama Queen  —  dont get me wrong, shes hella Extra in the way she moves n acts sorta like shes always bein captured on film. is quick-witted & playful & can be a huge tease/flirt if she feels like it, but miss her w Real Feelings ! totally not sentimental. srsly she will try to rationalize away everything and is just,.,., not good w it. so soz folks, we just keepin it breezy here

ugh, she’s an Actress — aka she can act like she cares tho ! shes very much into keeping ppl on her good side. shes friendly n palatable to everyone bc its how shes been trained & while it doesnt seem fake, its def diff when its genuine

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known —  lemme circle back to the first one, ok so shes good w emotions but only in theory. does intense character work with her roles so she thinks that counts as her having eq when rlly shes just emotionally stunted, projecting n repressing like an idiot

blonde, skinny, rich, & a lil bit of a Bitch — shes only a bitch inwardly or to ppl she trusts enuff to let in on the gossip. if anyone full on opposes her or becomes real emotional, then this lil diva will rear its superiority complex head n snap a lil. will most probably do it v underhandedly n w a smile but it will be Brutal

girls just wanna have FUN ! — shes the child of da party god, so ofc she a true party girl. officially off the rails when she parties. inhibitions ? we dk her. can be insensitive in that case bc smtms its truly no strings attached, tis all abt the fun. likes company a lot & it doesnt even have 2 be loud or particularly abt her, she just likes having people around n the escapism of it all. will make friends with everyone n make sure they have a jolly fun time guaranteed at dionysus parties 

Work Hard, Play Hard — real responsible when it comes to work and commitments and if she trusts/likes u enough, she’ll give it 2 u straight, no bs. def thinks Calling Out is an act of love but maybe does it a lil too harshly smtms. v much into efficiency, sentiments be damned. not the feely words type. will sit next to u or party w u or even pay 4 ur therapist if u need sum1 to talk to. she will Be There while u work thru it, so long as u dont expect her to change n be all emotional n stuff

if she seems a lil contradictory thats bc she kinda is. tis the good ol nurture vs nature. her ma’s a real no nonsense chick n her pops is a frat guy drama geek greek god whos rlly into cottagecore so u get this lil blonde bitch whos sorta teetering on the edges

OTHER INFO  — cw: drug use ( full headcanons here )

re her career, she achieved pegot status when she was 18 aka she truly b dat bitch. shes not super mainstream famous tho, more like indie sweetheart, film snobs/critics fave typa gal. if ya want a trajectory she started w baby commercials then a sitcom from 4-10 ( think modern fam’s lily ) then it was off to the big screen & the stage ! 

mia has a lil bit of a drug habit. its not abusive or dependent, but it is a staple whenever shes parties bc alcohol is useless 2 her. started a lil young too bc hollywoo. primarily uppers/hallucinogens. she smokes weed a lil more liberally but the rest is mostly just an on occasion thing ( which, ngl, is a still a lil problematic when u party a lot rip )

after she got claimed, mia ended up going to demigod camps in a lot of diff places n countries, depending on where production would take her. there was never an established place, more like wherever was nearest when they wrapped up shooting bc monsters afoot n wutnot  

she was always homeschooled but she still managed to go to a prom and homecoming bc party is life. that makes eonia uni p much her first chance at having a normal educational environment & experience and even then its anything but. still tho this is her moment !!! im lit rally begging her to get a personality that isnt her internally rolling her eyes going “ its not that deep ”

might put up a bio/stats page if im feelin sxc but i wud jus like the records to show that mia stoeger is a bi sxc babe bc me ? write a het ? no grassy ass.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS — cw: drug use ( full connections here )

omg danny devito i love ur work ! 

,,, p self explanatory sdkjfs sum1 who loves her work ! it can be lowkey/highkey fangirl to a civil admiration

OR alternatively, y/m can Not Be a fan of her work. they might think the storyline of the projects she takes on r too out of touch n highbrow yada yada yada, but yes, we love to see either of it ! 

summer camp sweetheart !  

someone she met when at camp when they were teens ? doesnt matter in what country/city, but mia was only visiting so it was truly a one summer romance typa thing. bc she was younger, im thinkin 13-17 or w/e she was probably sweeter n a lot more emotional then. was it either’s first puppy love ? first kiss ? first “ relationship ? ” idk, do yk ? truly, so many possibilities. nothin set in stone just hmu bub 

summer camp pals ! 

p much the same as above but make it Platonic

party buddies !

or druggie pals. either way works but she wud luv it if theyre both xoxo

friends w benefits !

most probably ( but not limited to ) sum1 she met at a party skdjhsjk is it exclusive ? is any1 starting to develop feelings ? im down 4 nthing n evrything

alexa play true friend by hannah montana !

give mia her college bestie ! her confidant who knows her feels and can call each other out viciously with no ounce of resentment. we stan the friendships !

omg i love ur skirt !

that is the ugliest effing skirt i've ever seen. lmao basically sum1 mia pretends to like or acts civil w but rlly ,,,, Cannot Stand for w/e rzn   

im p much braindead rn but those are just sum ideas !!! ofc the usual staples like the pals, enemies, wutnots are also v welcome we love to see it. if u also have a wc that u think mia would fit in, id luv to know more ! there are also a couple more detailed ones here, but pls feel free to shoot me a msg n we can get 2 plotting x 

( * wipes brow * how did i type so much n say so little rip. mia is also a completely new muse so pls b patient n if i fuq up from time to time, pretend u do not see >.< nywy thnx 4 readin, sweets ! feel free to hmu here or at discord if ya wanna <3333 )

FULL INFO  ||  EONIA TASKS 

[alphaketoglutaricacid]

@onehithero said: also we know theres at least some actual animals besides gadoll liek the scorpion n cows tht show up for a sec in ep 1 so tankers hav tht going for them re: food sources ..SORRY FOR RAMBLING SO MUCH deca dence essay got sleeper agent activated

onehithero said: i rly like what usaid abt kabu from natsumes pov too but i cannot form a half cohernet thought abt tht one

onehithero said: ALSO ALSO i think its interesting how the ep 8 conversation w minato is i think the only time kabu talks abt being jealous of humans being able to choose their own paths

onehithero said: also how minatos convinced hes like a good lil cog in the machine yet hes done 50 things tht wuld get him labeled as a bug but he just ignores all tht. the both of them can be so disconnected w reality

onehithero said: like minato didnt know abt 1)natsume 2) how the system has made kabu so severely depressed n he culdnt put up w it anymore.n minato continues pushing the just go along w the system shit he doesnt understand tht he was contributing to kabus misery.. n bc of tht kabu doesnt trust minato enough to tell him abt natsume for so long but then he goes n asks smth so big of him as go against the system

onehithero said: thinks abt how kabu n minato r obviously so important to each other but minato understands him less n less over time & kabu kinda already knew its risky to confide in minato like minato did know abt pipe which was a long time ago but he didnt know abt natsume til kabu was already sacrifing himself for her sake. n yet kabu then goes n tries to get him on his side anyway cuz he wants tht so badly..

onehithero said: OMG OMG CHEWS THESE WORDS SLOWLY N THROUGHLY SO DELICIOUS THANK U THANK U u get it u understand i love reading n writing essay lengh responses abt deca dence & again u just hit the nail on the head w this

Please let me know if this @ u 8 times and sorry if it did.  I will reply under this readmore but i love this enthusiasm! I like discussing this stuff so if u want keep it coming. I wanna understand deca dence better and i think i will by sharing ideas w other ppl. 

I think kabu and minatos relationship  is as good as it is because theres clearly a lot of mutual love and respect between them even when they don’t understand each other and thats why minato still runs after him when he hears kabu going suicide mission lets go baby. I think its interesting that minato was like ready to lie down and accept getting mass scrapped until he hears kabu go im about to be hilarious and hes like actually living and staying alive sounds great actually forget what i said about it being over.   you are so right about kabu and trust and natsume. I will always cherish episode 5 where kabu gives this big rousing speech about how natsume inspired him and saved his life and minatos there like ..who? ..what?? I think they may not be used to hiding things from each other. Also I think them drifting apart mirrors natsume and feis drifting apart tho I think while feis the instigator on that side kabus more on his side and minato like natsume is like wondering what in da world is going on. I think someone else wrote about this better than I can.

I do think minato does know kabus severely depressed because theres this line in ep 4 where he puts his hand on kabu and says like you’ve toiled enough at that awful job. and also in episode 11 when he and kabu talk and kabu says he was in a similar place as minato now in that he was waiting every day to be scrapped minato has no reaction until kabu says but that bug saved me. I think he knows kabus very depressed but he does not know how to address it cuz the system never gives either of them the tools or options for it. Though also I feel the system discourages meaningful relationships between the cyborgs so I think what minato and kabu have is likely pretty rare. Kabu donetello and turkey also fought together for a long time but turkey turns on donetello in a second even tho they fought together, he was his number two, and they were in prison together, and were pretty much all they got and donetello kills him in turn. I also think minato probably knew because he’s empathetic. Like I’m not sure about compassion but he’s very good at understanding where other ppl are and how to meet them in the middle so both parties get something they want. That’s how he got all the gamers to collect the old deca dence parts. Not by cashing in on ppl doing the right thing but by framing it as the final mission. He gets his lgbt community center coworkers for fight with him one last time by appealing to their sense of duty. He got the system to put kabu in jail instead of getting scrapped when Mikey got scrapped for a lesser offense. The list goes on. A tangent but I think the fact he acknowledges the living conditions of the humans are gonna get worse if nothing’s done even tho he’s apathetic at best towards them shows even when the system tries to mold the cyborgs into the roles it wants, sometimes the traits they have just keep on going despite themselves. I’m gonna stop myself before I go into jill and this theme but I’m gonna talk about it someday. So I think its more likely than not he knew but he didn’t know how to navigate around it also because it’s heavily implied he’s going thru the same thing and I think kabu might genuinely have no idea Bc kabu lacks empathy but his heart... is huge. When he hears minato express his feelings of not knowing what he wants he instantly tries to reach out and explain minatos not alone in what he feels. This is why they’re good foils. while kabu moves past where he was in the start where he states he does not intend to oppose the system and his compliance while also trying to do the bare minimum drives him to suicide, and finds the willpower and a reason to live and rebel against the system through his connection to other people (first natsume , he hangs out w kurenai sometimes too, and then with the jail robots). Meanwhile minato whos stuck in his literal ivory tower (it’s a Metaphor) never makes any of these connections. It’s the irony of kabu working at a armor repair job giving him some ability to connect w others vs minatos higher position isolating him from everyone else. I think kabu living amongst the ppl he harmed drove him to give up on life quicker, while minato being far apart shielded him from rlly having to see the effects of his actions I think he was headed a lil slower in the same direction. I think we’re led to believe minatos okay where he is but I think towards the end it’s clear minato has spent most of the series also in a bad place. I think he views things very similarly to kabu in that he wants to use what power he does have to protect the ppl he cares about similar to how initially kabu tried to just convince natsume to quit several times and he was like whatever at the rest of the humans who are natsumes comrades dying but he chooses to put it all on the line and try for some systemic change when he sees natsumes determination to fight. Also I think minato holds very little loyalty to the system cuz he doesn’t only like breaks 1000 rules for kabu (the hypocrisy) but he also looks the other way a lot. For example, when he overheard the top rankers talk about limiters he’s like I’ll pretend I don’t hear it also turn on private mode next time and he doesn’t berate them for considering cheating. Also donetello has been using an illegal avatar to climb to S rank again (isn’t it interesting that even after the ranked system is abolished something similar took its place). And his avatar looks the same as it did when minato worked with the guy. There’s probably like not that many ppl in s rank. And he calls himself donetello. Minato knows he’s supposed to be in jail but does he tell anyone? He’s like well.. that looks like someone else’s problem if they notice *goes and vapes* it’s so funny how little minato cares but it’s also not funny Bc some of minatos cruelest actions and things he’s complicit in are born not outta malice but apathy to everything. I think it shows (tangent number 4?) how the systems use of excessive force is counter productive cuz neither minato nor kabu are willing to report anything to disrupt the order Bc neither of them think the level of punishment is warranted. I also think that minato is probably the first person kabu really opens up to about why on a personal level he feels the system needs to be destroyed after Ep 7 is really interesting. It really speaks to how deep their [mutual and not platonic relationship I don’t know how to label ] is. I also think that he admits to minato that he envies human is rlly interesting and would like to hear what u have to think! I think it’s interesting that what really sets minato off is kabu saying he wants to choose for himself and also wants other cyborgs to have that freedom and I think it’s one of the few times we see minato get genuinely angry and have it not stem from worry. Tangent 5 I’m really extrapolating here but I think it’s very likely given how high up minato is that he likely knows of several cyborgs that rebelled against the system for similar reasons as kabu and knows how it ends and I think it probably feeds into his defeatist attitude. I think his role in the system must really kill whatever grasp of whatever minato has cuz he constantly has to act like it’s almost the end of the world and he’s strapped for resources all the time for like decades and decades of having to fake that type of desperation to entertain ur player base and cuz ur also on tv to entertain the general populace to distract them from their soul sucking jobs. I think that’s gotta mess with his perception of himself and also his ability to see that struggle as real and genuine. I think that’s also gotta be hard cuz he seems like out of his whole fuck we r under attack persona he seems like he’s a lil closed off but generally chill and somewhat upbeat to ppl who know him and he just wants to be isabella from animal crossing. I got really off track here. I think what really gets me is their relationship is built on knowing each other so well and so long , and how it’s managed to survive and persist through all this tragedy. They really mutually respect and love each other and that’s why kabu let’s minato walk away from his revolution even tho it compromises everything he works for. It’s why minato ultimently accepts kabus willingness to die for a tanker even tho he really doesn’t get it at all and it means it’s goodbye forever. But it’s still not enough to save either of them. Minato can’t save kabu from trying to passively starving himself to death and I’m not sure if kabu even knows where minato is at mentally. Sometimes no matter how close u are to someone there r things u miss and things u can’t help each other with. Even tho the two resolve to fight and then die together cuz this seems like the best choice Bc the system they were born into offers no alternatives, the deca dence doesn’t even activate without the help of other ppl. I think it shows one relationship cant support all that weight. In the end it is through their bonds with other ppl that gets them to an ending where they both survive when they decided alone their only option is death. Also u are so right about the other animals existing I totally forgot ty I cannot believe I forgot about the scorpion which calls to natsumes hairstyle which is a visual gag on how natsumes a bug and how like a scorpion, although unassuming, and fucking kill u, just like how her trying to get her boss to open up eventually leads to the whole thing toppling down. I also have a lot of thoughts about natsume but I’m still thinking of them and thinking hard Bc sometimes she becomes kabus inspiration Pinterest board and I don’t like that. When she shines she really shines but it starts getting sloppy towards the end so I have to think a lil longer about it. Okay I’m done. Also it’s kinda hard for me to look like I’m agreeing to ur points and nodding in this format but I really appreciate ur thoughts and will try to convey this. Maybe by formatting as a response to each of ur replies next time

[klaus-is-the-real-number-1]

She’s Electric (Number 5 x reader)

54A/N: wowowow so im not smart at all so hopefully i pulled the whole fake smart act because im pure clueless :))) hope yas enjoy :)) still havent posted the playlist of all the songs because my spotify has my full name and am not that commited for ppl to find this soo. and i also went a bit off like i hope this is what you want lmao.:)) stay fresh. (ok so you have powers in this and its more like portal jumping rather than spatial jumping so you like create holes and jump down ? if that makes sense(also if anyone gets the date hmu))

ASK: jellyxfulll:hi could you please do one where the reader is really smart, likes coffee and sarcasm (legit a carbon copy of him) like five and when he meets them he’s absolutely smitten ? i have a lot in common with him anD i wAnt to bE loVed bY mY fiCtionAl chAracteR

Words: 2146

Black coffee steamed in it’s mug as it sat out in the open, wind swirling it in different patterns. The swirls of steam looked like it was dancing a tango, as if the beat it was dancing too kept getting faster and faster until a sudden stop and the steam disappears, signifying the end of a dramatic dance. 

Black ink stained up the side of your hand as you furiously wrote away, you just couldn’t get the equation right and you couldn’t use your powers, not yet. You were on the run from the commission as they wanted to use you for your powers, it was a valuable asset, time travel and dimension jumping, the Handler said it could open a whole new market for them but once you refused they came after you. 

You’d got the equation wrong while you were running and you got stuck, you got stuck somewhere, an abandoned world that hadn’t been looked after. Years and years passed with you stuck in the wasteland of a world until the Handler came back but you couldn’t say no otherwise you’d die alone with no chance of seeing your loved ones again. So you became a killer to survive, you kept to yourself. In that world it was kill or be killed.

After years of service you thought you had the equation, endless nights of black coffee and sleep deprivation you thought you’d got it right. All you wanted to do is go and see your family again but next thing you knew you were 16 years old again and stuck in some random dimension but it was a start. You had removed any form of tracker the Handler had on you back in 1854 after completing your last mission.

During your time in the small town you’d managed to get a small job to rent a tiny one bedroom apartment, it wasn’t the best but it would do for the time being, until you get the maths right.

You let out an exasperated sigh, slamming your pen down on your scribble ridden page. It was a bright but nippy day meaning you could sit outside in peace and be uninterrupted. Griddy’s was always quiet on week days, the perfect time to go for a black coffee and just go over everything that’s happened, it’s good to do that sometimes, just to think and remember.

Reaching for your coffee, you underestimated the distance between the mug and your hand resulting in the mug falling. You open a portal under it so it falls right into your hand and take a sip, placing it down gently in it’s original place. 

“How did you do that?” A boy was suddenly next to you, an excitable expression present on his face. He looked about the same age as you, but he had a look in his eyes, like he’d seen some things.

“What do you mean?” You ask, pretending to be confused, taking another sip of your coffee. You watched as he pulled the seat opposite to you out and sat down crossing his arms and legs simultaneously. He looked at you with a slight smirk.

“You’re y/n, aren’t you?” He leant back in his chair, scanning you up and down. “I’ve heard so much about you.” His eyes could tell 1000 stories but you could tell that he had no one to tell, no one would understand.

“huh, interesting, I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t really know who you are.” You say matching his movements but making sure you can have easy access to some form of weapon of he attacks. For all you knew he could be part if the commission finally catching up to you.

“I’m Five, ex-commission.” You narrow your eyes at him as he sticks his hand out, you take a glance at his hand. You reach out but just before you meet his hand you grab the handle of your mug, bringing it to your lips. Fives hand drops and he lets out a breathy laugh, crossing his arms again.

“I would introduce myself but you seem to already know who I am so I guess there’s no need.” You give him a sickly sweet smile before taking another sip. You had heard a little bit about Five, he had a similar story to you,stuck in an apocalypse, ran away from the Commission to see his family and tried (and succeeded) to stop the apocalypse.

Five couldn’t believe his eyes when he first saw what you did with the mug, there was only one person who he had heard that could do that, y/n. Five had heard rumours upon rumours about y/n, an example of some is that she was the most deadly killer the commission had ever seen and the prettiest person the universe had ever seen, and Five couldn’t agree more. He couldn’t imagine you ever killing anybody, your hair loosely hung with strands tucked behind your ear. Five took in your soft features, the warmth of your eyes and the freckles that littered all over your face and arms, presumably from the years in the apocalypse.

“It’s rude to stare.” You tell Five, not even looking up from your writings. Out of the corner of your eye you see him shift uncomfortably, averting his eyes. “Listen, I don’t know why you’re still here but if you’re lying about being ex-commission and are here to try and kill me I think you should reconsider your options because we both know who will make it out alive.”

“I’m not lying about being ex-commission, I know what it’s like and I think I can help you with getting back.” Locking eyes with Five, you saw the sincerity in his eyes. He held out his hand, you think about the worst possible outcomes from this situation, you take his hand. 

You had never travelled the way Five normally does, you just were not used to it. As soon you reached the desired destination your knees gave out and a wave of nausea washed over you. A retching sound made it’s way out of your body as you cover your mouth with shaking hands, as if that would stop you from being sick.

“How the fuck do you travel like that?” You almost shout at Five, staring at him from the floor, you didn’t even know where you were, you didn’t care. Another wave came over you again along with a banging headache. The one thing that you were grateful for in the Commission is that they let you travel how you wanted, the first time you had used a briefcase you could’t stop shaking and being sick which wasn’t the most efficient if you needed to complete a mission.

With a flash of blue Five was holding a glass of water crouched down next to you. “Here take this.” He held the glass closer to you.

“How is making me sick going to help me get home?” You say cautiously taking the glass from his hand. You sit up straight and try to take a deep breath in.

“Just show me your equations, I’ll see what I can do.”

Days turned into weeks, then weeks into months. The more time you spent with Five the more you began to forget about the equation. Truth be told, you got the right equation about 3 weeks into working on it with Five. After years of being alone you liked spending all this time with Five, you were both equally as emotionally deprived as each other, both in need of a friend who you could relate to.

Feelings for Five was also a newly developed emotion, the more time you spent with him the stronger these feelings got and all of his family could tell. You had met the Hargreeves on many occasions, often getting comments about how much you had made him come out of his shell since he stopped the apocalypse. But it’s not like you wouldn’t do couply things, if that was even a word, you would hold hands, cuddle and exchange compliments back and forth all the time. It was done so casually, as if you both didn’t know what to do with your feelings.

You were currently laid down with your head in Fives lap as he absentmindedly ran his fingers through your hair, occasionally twirling stands in his fingers. It was a summers day, natural light streamed through the open window, giving the room a natural glow. 

“y/n,” He lightly taps your nose. “You’re really pretty.” 

You smile, leaning into his touch. You knew you had to tell him at some point, about the equation, you just didn’t know how. Sighing, you sat up and faced Five, you noticed in the past months how his features had softened from the hard, brooding looks he used to give.

“Five, I’ve found the equation.”

“What?”

“I’ve found the equation.” You repeat with more force. “But I’m torn, I don’t know what to do.” You searched his face, trying to read the emotion. “I miss my family so much. But I don’t want to leave here, you’ve shown me theres so much in this timeline.” His face dropped.

Five didn’t want to sound selfish but he didn’t want you to leave, the past few months had been the best time of his life, he’d found someone who understands him. Y/N never questioned his coping mechanisms, you had actually made him accept his own past and move on with his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without you. Five eyes began to sting, he felt a wave of sadness but also anger, he felt himself getting warm, an uncontrollable range swept over, consuming any other emotion that was in it’s way.

“How long have you had it for.” Five had a quite voice, not looking you in the eyes.

“A few months.” You watch as Fives fist clenched. “Five I-” But he had cut you off.

“So you’ve just been leading me on.” Five eyes met yours. They weren’t the soft, welcoming eyes you had come to love, they were cold, hard and shut off, the only emotion you could see in his eyes was anger.

“What no, why would you-”

“Maybe you should just leave.” Your chest sank, Five let you go from his grip and stood up. He looked like the killer you had only heard about mere months ago, he didn’t look like your Five anymore. “Just go, y/n.”

So you did, no arguments, no questioning, you had gone. As soon as you left the room Five caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror but the reflection wasn’t him, it was the killer that he thought he’d left in the Commission, he was his clenched fists and cold eyes. He couldn’t believe he spoke to y/n like that, looking like this.

“Y/N!” He called out, he was in a cold panic. He kept calling your name out, traveling to your work, your house, all your favourite places but you weren’t there. Five had been told that you handed in your resignation at work and your flat was cleared, you had gone home.

Five didn’t know what to do with himself since you had left, he was constantly thinking about the what ifs, what if he acted differently, what if he didn’t snap. You had been gone from Fives timeline for almost a year, he didn’t have much to remember you by other than one picture that he had on his bed side table. The picture was taken by Allison of the two of you, you had both fallen asleep on the sofa downstairs, you looked so peaceful together as Five held you in his arms. 

He fell in love with you in the time he had met you, the complexity of love confused him but he wanted to figure it out with you. He loved the way you talked, how you carried yourself, your smarts, your personality, everything. It was a cold night and Five wasn’t able to sleep, he just laid there staring at the ceiling. There was a strange noise, a noise he knew well, y/n. 

“Hey Five.” You were breathless, it had taken you so long to find the right equation for the frequency of Fives timeline, to see him again.

Five couldn’t believe his eyes, you were really there. Without a second thought Five leapt out of his bed and crashed his lips to yours, he pulled away and tightly wrapped his arms around your frame.

“I’m so sorry y/n. I’ve missed you so much.” You couldn’t agree more, leaving was an impulse moment of anger, there was a gap in your heart that only Five could fill. “y/n, I love you so much.” He held your hands, his eyes were soft again, filled with love.

“I love you too.”

[trainedhard]

[ CHARACTER STUDY; SAITAMA & HEROISM ]

SO I’ve got a lot of feelings on how Saitama’s dreams of being a hero ended up, so... yeehaw, fellas. Get ready for a BIG OL JUMBLE OF THOUGHTS. 

So first off. Let’s talk hero-in-training Saitama. Now I know in canon that he shows little to no actual sustained injuries from fighting, but like... he wasn’t indestructable from the get go. Before he got his bizarre, god-like invincible body, he was just a guy who thought of himself as weak and utterly useless. Even through training and serious injuries, he’d just laugh it off and say it was nothing. Even though he would get INTERNAL BLEEDING and so many heavy injuries, he still saved people with a smile.. all bc he wanted to. Of course, that all changed since his training, but.. here’s all my thoughts in a collective ramble.

could you imagine how much it'd suck to be saitama? imagine wishing your entire life you could be a hero. you knew it was childish, but you still clung onto that dream. youre forced to give it up and when you do, life becomes a living hell for you. you grow to inability to keep a job (though i have my own explanation and backstory about this in my about....)  and when you get the chance to be a hero a fiery passion ignites in you.you've been weak and a miserable excuse of a person, in your own eyes, for your entire life up until this point. you train vigourously, become the hero you want to be NOT because of selfish reasons, just because you want toyou finally get to be the strongest in the universe, and when you finally, finally  do, and you still just. wanna be a hero because there needs to be non selfish heroes. everyone. fucking. hates you.

you're treated with no respect, you're booed almost to the point of quitting heroism., everyone thinks you're a fucking joke and calls you a joke name of Caped Baldy / Bald Cape to rub salt in the wounds. He was SO fucking excited when he found out he could register to be a licensed hero, but all the H.A. gave him was corruption, negligence, and a lot of “newbie crushing” ASSHOLES. They all seem to think of Saitama as someone who can be walked over, or easily crushed; but of course, Saitama doesn’t let this really get to him.

HE JUST WANTED SOMEONE. ANYONE. TO APPRECIATE WHAT HE WAS DOING FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE! but nobody ever believes him, nodody ever treats him kind except genos and MAYBE fubuki & bangeveryone tells him to give up being a hero because he's shit at it, because he SAVED THEIR LIVES but it cost the city. no lives were even lost that day when the meteor struck, and seeing how much everyone took him for granted, really hurt him. he got so worked up that he just about went FERAL (and only seeing genos would calm him) because they were blaming him for saving their lives instead of their fucking new cars.

it just burns my biscuits that so many people take saitama as a joke, because HE'S not the part that's supposed to be a joke. NO. IT'S HIS POWERS THAT'S THE JOKE! he's a guy with serious depression just trying to do what's right. he doesn't want flashy heroics, he doesn't want fanclubs or demand them, he even says he doesn't need fans. he just wants a little appreciation for all the times he's saved the earths ass, but the H.A. has to come in and take all the credit from him.

everyone calls him a fraud and chants that he's a fake during deep sea king. that also really stung him deep down, i think, because here's all these S CLASS HEROES who were taken down with ease and nobody can defeat him but saitama. saitama defeats him, everyone boos. could he have gotten mad and defensive? yes. did he? absolutely not! he selflessly started going "uh... uh, YEA. HAHA. THAT'S RIGHT. IM JUST A BIG FAT FAKE TAKING THE CREDIT. IT WAS SO WEAK I BEAT IT IN ONE PUNCH."

the crowd starts hating him even MOREbut only mumen knows he's a liar. that he really was that strong.saitama could be molded into a total dickbag from all thisbut what i admire most .. and love most about him.. is that he DIDN'T.instead he chooses, time and time again, to let the people hate him. to let others take the credit. to do what the people think.if it makes them feel safer, so be it; even if it hurts, he doesn't care. he just wants to be a hero. and while everyone's always like "OHH MUMEN'S MORE HEROIC THAN SAITAMA BECAUSE SAITAMA HAS NO PASSION" i get MAD!!! 

that's a BLATANT LIE!! both are equally passionate for justice, but have yoU MET SAITAMA??he is the kind of guy who has LITERALLY jumped in front of cars to save people.if he could, he'd lay his life on the line for otherseven if the world hates him, he still keeps going, even if it's tough. he's lost his ENTHUSIASM but his passion for justice is NOT nonexistent like so many comparing him to mumen say\mumen is just more DRIVEN. 

saitama has learned the hard way that blind optimisim can't get you everywhere. the world's basically spit and pissed on him and told em "FUCK YOU" but even so.. even so he still goes out of his way to be as heroic as he can. he acts like he doesn't care, but he's the same man who saved a man from comitting suicide. he's got a weakness for children because he can't stand to see them upset so he does anything to calm them down/save them.

 he saves the life of so many others even if they're telling him he's a fraud. he gave up his hero credit to the cops, who evryone started to think of as jokes thanks to the existence of heroes (even dressed up as one and pretended he was a cop who beat a monster).there's so much more i could list off but just because he doesn't have that fiery enthusiam outwardly showing does NOT mean it's not there.

 if he wasn’t so passionate for justice, WHY was he so starry eyed at the idea of being a pro hero? WHY did he do vigilante work for those 3 years? WHY does he want to help avenge Genos? WHY would he go out of his way to save anyone? WHY does he care about saving other people, ESPECIALLY kids?? It’s not easy to be a hero. It really isn’t. And yet Saitama does all these things because he’s got such strong morals, he just wants to help people. He never expects anything in return, ever. He can’t stand taking people’s money, even if it’d help him out, which we know from the fact that genos said he’d pay rent, but was confirmed he never let Genos pay. 

despite the world being against him he still is a hero. he stopped completely reporting his actions to the H.A. too, and the only reason he even moves up anymore is bc other ppl report his heroic actions.

Anyways, I don’t really think this could count as a true character study? but then again, all my character rambles about him go under these kinds of things. anyways, i leave you with the set of screenshots i think about the most.

[scaltrite]

yeah so a girl at my college found my tumblr but i wanna talk abt stuff so i guess im doing it here now bc i dont have the courage to block her for reasons i will now explain

like?? i met this girl and i was like oh shit she seems so cool and so cute and i wanted so badly to be in her group of friends and bro i been trying so hard to be One of them but i just KNOW im not.....like maybe they dont necessarily hate me but im definitely not Desired there which sucks bc theyre the closest thing i have to friends in college......and i just see them spontaneously (or not, how would i know) going out together or hanging in each others rooms and im so JEALOUS and insecure and i hate who i am when i feel that way. i thought i had finally drawn a hard line with myself this one night when like.....they kept doing this thing (specifically that girl i met the first day and this guy who i thought actually liked being around me) where they would put their finger up like #1 whenever i said anything bc they made a "list" where i was number 1 and they told everyone what it was but specifically said not to tell me.....and yes that could easily be a joke, i have made worse jokes with my friends, but im so uncertain with my place with them that i wasnt sure if it was even meant to be a joke.....like are they laughing at me or with me.... then later that night my roommates and that one dude were hanging out in my room while the first girl i met and the others went to get a board game, when suddenly he looks at his phone, says "theyre here!" and runs out the room, and when i look down the hall Girl1 and her best friend and Dude are running into the elevator and i said "why are you ditching me" and they just laughed and said "GO!!" and left.....and that got me SO upset i really wanted to go back to my room and just cry forever bc WOW that could not have made it more clear to me that they hate me like ik im mean but thats some shit i wouldnt have even done to my closest friends. but i just sat there the whole night trying not to cry bc my roommates were still there... then they text me asking to come down to the 5th floor and im so fucking whipped bc im lonely and i have no friends so i go and they just give me a gummy bear and leave and im like. i know im a terrible person but i feel like this isnt a Friendly kind of Prank..... then Dude texts me like come outside we promise we wont run away and something kinda snaps in me like god FUCK you guys i might rather be alone than this fuckimg bullshit and in my head i felt like a line was just drawn like i cant be friends with these people i cant keep this bullshit up. anyways that was all one night. the next night i go out with some other ppl bc im feeling like shit and when i come back Girl1 and her best friend are drinking and the latter is WASTED and Girl1 sure isnt sober and im feeling so awful so im like well i can fake friendship for one more night if it means i can get alcohol. then Girl1 tells me she has a crush on me? and im .....yikes.....so i pretend i didnt remember anything bc i was drunk.....but then she asks me out sober,...and i said yes bc shes cute and my brains like "this is ur way in!" but its been a week and im remembering the way her and all those people made me feel and it just doesnt make sense? like she was nice sometimes SOMETIMES she invited me out somewhere just us but i always ended up being busy but otherwise? there were absolutely no cues to her liking me and im pretty good at reading people....like was all of that shit supposed to be bc she liked me? bc i didnt pick up on that at ALL plus nothings changed about how she or anyone else acts with me? i have even less of a good feeling abt her bc her and her bestfriend didnt say hi to my friends from home when i passed them in the dining hall and said "oh go say hi to my friends! theyre over there!" and they didnt smile at them or say hi when we passed them again later....im starting to think this is all a big prank.....our first date is this tuesday but im honestly expecting to be stood up or led into a dark alley to be beat up deadass