#it probably will make me vomit that time

[tuliptiger]

Ventttt below. Read at your own discretion it's not a nice one

What if I just finish outfitting my car to get rid of internal moisture and heat somehow without killing me in the winter and never have an actual home or property. Because the only way I tried isn't working out and hasn't been for aboutttt 2 1/2 years now and it's kind of making me want to be somewhere else at this point.

I don't want to be. At or in this period of my life anymore. It's literally dysphoria but it's dysphoria for the the me I am right now, the resources I have right now, the very situation I find myself unable to escape. It's the utter rejection and disgust of myself and my current life that I can't stand to be in right now.

I need to go to sleep because it's late and that's when the devils in my brain are strongest but that's a very good summary of how I've been feeling the last couple years. Dysphoric of my life and who I am that I cannot escape from.

"Summary. A dysphoric mood is a consistent state of profound unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Symptoms can include discontent, irritability, stress, aggression, and feelings of anger, guilt, or failure."

[tsukasalover]

This is the exact reason why I hate when people ask to go through my phone. Its always Tsukasa’s fault just remember that.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

"yes im so fine"

*researches whether i can get my hands on ipecac*

[glitter-alienz]

I can't stomach anything what the fuck am I supposed to do? Eat air??

[naenaex0xx]

maybe I'm comfortable with tumblr because I get to say things I don't usually tell anyone

[plusultraetc]

Saw the tags on the Toshinori post and do you have more to share?? Any insights? If so I’d welcome hearing them 😭 He really is so self-sacrificial and it hurts but it’s truly at the core of who he is

This has been sitting in my inbox for almost a week because I needed to make a futile effort at organizing my thoughts into something coherent--but this is as organized as they're going to get for now! Thank you so so much for the ask though bc I do love to yell about MHA <3

(Obligatory reminder that I'm watching this show in such a confusing order so if what I'm about to rant about has been addressed before and I'm harping on it unnecessarily I Am Sorry.)

(For anyone curious, this is the post btw)

SO. It feels relevant to mention that my sister and I were talking about All Might in the first place because we were talking about MHA Moments That Haunt Us. For me, it's the 'I am not here' sign hanging around the neck of the All Might statue in Kamino Ward after the Paranormal Liberation War. It literally lives in my brain rent-free 24/7 365 days a year, especially with the AM vs AFO fight being relatively fresh in my mind. The reversal of All Might's catchphrase and all it represents hurts, but to display it at the site of his 'last stand' in Kamino? That's brutal.

All Might vs All For One and how that rematch plays out is so so important to the story for so many reasons, but one of them is that the fight itself is a sacrifice. Toshinori gives everything he has, short of his life, to defeat All For One. He gives up his physical strength, his public image as the unbeatable Symbol of Peace, and, effectively his Quirk ("Goodbye, All For One. Goodbye, One For All" haunts my every waking moment, still!)

This battle is also the culmination of years of All Might's life and heroic philosophy (because Toshinori has been both practicing AND preaching self-sacrifice in the name of the greater good since we met him. It's what he thinks a hero does). Kamino is the sacrifice to end all sacrifices, if you will. Yes, he does get to walk away from the fight with AFO, but he walks away irrevocably different, almost unrecognizable. He's forced to totally change his focus and his mindset and his life. Everything he has given up is made literally visible in the deterioration of his body.

But most most importantly, All Might's sacrifice at Kamino was... all for nothing. Even if AM defeated him in that moment, All For One is free less than a year later. The world is in shambles. People are afraid, and their faith in heroes is crumbling. Heroes are afraid, and this time, they have no idealized symbol to rally behind. When Dostoevsky wrote "Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing," he was talking about All Might btw.

Toshinori gave this fight (and his career, and being All Might) everything he had, and it still wasn't enough. He sacrificed so much of himself, and so much of how he perceived himself and his purpose, and he didn't even save the world. He just bought them time--and not much of it. I think that's why he's so desperate to keep fighting, no matter the cost, no matter what condition he's in--even 'quite literally half-dead.' He can't let Kamino be the Symbol of Peace's final stand, because Kamino was ultimately for nothing. Instead of saving the world, it has been reframed through the sign on the statue as All Might abandoning the world. And ever since then, he's been scrambling to prove that he is still here.

(There's also probably something here about Sir Nighteye telling him that he was going to die. Since Nighteye used his Quirk on him, Toshinori has been anticipating sacrificing his life for good. Knowing that his entire hero career is effectively a fight to the death has probably maximized his self-sacrificial tendencies.)

[moe-broey]

GOD he might as well be wearing lingerie to the fucking battle field. Or leather gear. Either way HE'S A FUCKING WHORE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[adhd-merlin]

unpopular opinion: arthur (as much as i like him as a character) was useless in terms of prophecy and liberation of the magic people. not just bc he never ended up lifting the magic ban but bc literally anyone sitting on the throne could have done that. i see no reason why it had to be arthur specifically. but the show liked to pretend like he was the only way to achieve a positive future bc the opprressed community cant simply help themselves that would be silly ig? no no they need to patiently wait that maybe one day their oppressor (whos literally continuing his fathers genocide even if less zealously) has a change of heart and they wont be hunted down like animals anymore. never mind the countless people that will have to die in the mean time. merlin can kill a bajillion people on screen and thats fine and for the greater good but if someone tries to kill One guy sitting on a fancy chair with a fancy hat suddenly thats too extreme. half the time it felt like the show was pointing to merlin as a poster child of how to act when oppressed. the fact that morgana growing bitter about uthers reign is framed as inherently bad and what directly lead to her becoming evil tm is particularly infuriating to me. the choice to create this very ya dystopian setting and then cast the oppressors as part of the main cast and the final solution is just very weird to me. i think it wouldve been objectively for the best if the magic community had overthrown arthur (or uther really but thats not really contested.. unless youre the bbc. this show is so british (derogatory))

in that vein: mordred has never done anything wrong in his entire life and that includes killing arthur

one more for the "arthur was a loser" folder

[ok but about the rest!! I have many thoughts about it. merlin as a member of an Oppressed Minority. his betrayal of his own kin. I'm putting it all under a cut bc you guys don't need to see me rambling about this and the disir again]

you make a good point — the way in which a story is framed, even the moment we choose as a "beginning", determines what characters we'll feel sympathy for, even when the facts at our disposal are the same.

I don't think the writers were trying to create any kind of deep social commentary btw. just so we're clear. merlin is the hero of the story and his mission is to keep arthur safe. we've got to root for them both.

to have a king with a hatred (fear) of magic gives us a convenient antagonist within the court. merlin having to defend the men that would have him killed for his magic is a great source of dramatic tension. it sort of follows that the people he has to fight against to defend the king/prince are other magic users, or magical threats. (it also keeps things interesting because there would be no challenge for merlin otherwise).

there isn't much of a point in exploring the motives and backstories of other characters with magic (with the exception of morgana, perhaps). They are only briefly touched upon — so these characters remain vaguely antagonistic for the most part. Neutrally aligned at best (see mordred).

We are shown that the druids are (mostly) aware of the prophecy that marks merlin/emrys as the saviour of their kind.

what I find fascinating are merlin's interactions with magic people who are either not aware of this prophecy (gilli) or have no faith in it (kara, possibly?) Because we're never given the chance or the time to see things from their perspective. To see merlin through their eyes.

When gilli says:

"It is time that someone struck a blow for the likes of you and me. And if you're too weak, then I will." (!!!)

It makes him sound like some kind of extremist, but really, when you think about it. isn't his anger kind of justified? I'm not condoning his violence, I'm just saying — it's understandable. uther has killed so many innocent people. literally drowned innocent children. and merlin's like "violence isn't the answer!" — and I can see his point!! but I can see gilli's just as well. and I find it so interesting that he's still addressing merlin as a brother ("the likes of you and me"), even when expressing disappointment in his actions and calling him weak. because they are the same. he's saying "you're deluded, and cozying up to the enemy won't save you"

this episode also contains what is (probably) my favourite dragon call. when merlin summons kilgharrah in other episodes, he's usually in the middle of some Urgent Situation. matters of life or death. there is nothing urgent here, really. yeah, it is arguably a matter of life or death, but nothing merlin couldn’t have stopped on his own. he really just called on kilgharrah to have a heart to heart with a friend — a member of his class.

("You are a creature of magic, and only a creature of magic could hope to understand.")

this episode is about merlin looking for kinship and still feeling isolated from his magic brethren. there's something tragic about the way the prophecy makes him unable to connect to some of the people who would be best placed to understand him.

and gilli plants a small seed of doubt in merlin's mind. "You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are" (!!)

but kilgharrah reassures merlin that there's a golden age coming. so merlin does what he has to do — he saves uther once again. before gilli leaves, merlin reassures him that one day they will be free.

he tells mordred the same:

"It won't always be like this. One day we will live in freedom again."

and then, when he has the unique opportunity to use his influence on arthur to sway his opinion in the right direction. he fails.

he condemns himself, and the people he spoke to of freedom, to keep living in fear and in hiding — and what's even more upsetting, he does so while talking of a "just and fair kingdom"!

("You must protect the world you spent your life building, a just and fair kingdom for all." What an interesting choice of words. camelot isn't just and fair to all — as merlin knows well. he's lying to arthur, and possibly to himself.)

imagine being gilli or mordred and hearing him say that "there can be no place for magic in camelot." (!) What a slap in the face.

I've read meta suggesting that the disir were testing merlin just as much as arthur (or even more so than him). I'm inclined to believe it — I want to believe it. If anything because it makes the story all the more interesting and tragic. (I know what some are going to say — if mordred's destiny was to kill arthur, it would've happened anyway. but remember what else kilgharrah said — the future is never clear. there are many paths).

I understand why merlin did what he did, I really do. but for a moment, the fair and just kingdom he spoke of was within reach, and he failed to grasp it.

so was gilli wrong after all?

[and kara. I feel quite sympathetic towards her. we know arthur. she can't see him from our (merlin's) perspective. for her, he might as well be uther. magic people are still persecuted under camelot's law. she has spent her life on the run, she has seen people she loved be killed. and from our (arthur's) perspective, she looks like some kind of fanatic. but in reality. put yourself in her shoes. when arthur offers her a chance to save herself by "repenting" for her crime, she says she has nothing to repent for. "it is not a crime to fight for your freedom". that's the belief she's willing to die for. did she deserve to die for it?

(I also think there's an interesting parallel in merlin failing his kin in the disir, and arthur failing mordred in ep 5x11 by condemning kara to death. something about pinning all your hopes on someone who's going to fail you, and doom you both. idk idk.)]

sorry anon. you were saying

[rebellum]

Id love to get cool black hairstyles done but im so Deeply Traumatised from my granny and auntie taking me to hairdressers as a kid that the idea of even asking about stuff like that makes it hard for me to breathe

[vampiric-succulent]

oughhhh one thing they do not tell you about the journey there is that you also have to make it back

[krysmcscience]

Brain attempted to visit a nightmare on me, only to wind up planting itself facefirst into my monster fascination, instead, so now there's a whole ass story outline sitting in my notes, lol

Fucker did still wake me up, though

[satans-knitwear]

😷 just venting abt dumb health stuff, pay no mind

[microwavepopcorn]

[tsukidrama]

okay so like as im typing this out i feel lowkey pathetic as fuck but i just easily had the worst day of my entire life and i lowkey need somebody anybody who wasn't with me to tell me "im glad you're okay and u didn't deserve all of that"

i frew up....... for 16 hours nonstop 🤪 literally nonstop!!!! i am not exaggerating even a little bit!!!! it was constant and i have never been so scared that i was gonna die. can you even fucking die from throwing up? probably not but once you hit a certain point it really really really feels like it.

it was so bad that we had to call my mom. and still with both her and mars tending to me like i was a baby, literally doing everything for me from getting me water to changing the tempature or fixing my blankets, it didn't help even a little bit.

it started at 6pm. at 6am i was about to start slamming my head against the wall until i passed out so mama took me to urgent care. we got there as soon as they opened.

walked in there and broke down like i haven't broken down ever before in my life just begging for the pain to stop

this story actually has one of the happiest endings as far as my medical fiascos typically go. the doctor who came into see me was an actual literal angel on earth. i wanna buy him a card or flowers or some shit. a lot of the time i don't get a lot of sympathy with this condition (on account of me being "too young" for my IBS to be as severe as it is) but this fuckin man not only prescribed me some really good medicine but he actually stayed in the exam room with me for probably 45 minutes, specifically just calming me down and comforting me. and it worked. the meds were a big part of course but it was honestly the best therapy i've gotten in years. i have been in an out of hospitals/urgent cares/emergency clinics more than i can count. the medical bills i rack up are horrifying. and i swear to god that ive never ever encountered a medical professional anywhere near this level of compassionate. especially while sick and throwing up like that. probably 2/3rds of the time i get written off as "just having a panic attack"

[meanderfall]

a number of part-time workers have been complaining about hearing christmas songs all the time, since about mid-november.

i've barely even noticed. i'm immune this year. and it's not because i've worked retail so long i've gotten used to it. it's because i went through something so much worse this summer.

i had to listen to THIS song, at least 5 times a day because they played it almost every hour, sometimes TWICE within the same hour, 5 days a week, for like 4 months probably. maybe more.

after that, i will gladly listen to the same 5 to 10 christmas songs at work. because you know what? at least they change. and they're easily a million times better than that crap.

[pinkspiraling]

oh my god i feel like shit