#it might look otherwise but believe me when i tell you it's incredibly consensual

[weirdfreakshow]

t4t smallidarity <3

nsft under cut

[one]

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CW: blood, stabbing and mentions of periods

[two]

[sehtoast]

I like your thoughts and interpretations a lot, so I wanted to ask, how can I write Homelander x reader (or anyone) and make it not feel like he’s being put out of his comfort zone or doing something just as a way of coping? It sounds silly but I’ve having thoughts on it and besides having a lot of consent checks and stuff I’m not sure how else to do it. I’m probably overthinking but I thought I’d ask since you write and seem to have good insight on characterization and consent

The thing with this is that you actually have a lot of control over this as the author in subtle and obvious ways (took me a while to answer this  just because there’s a lot, lol).  So much so that it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what may or may not make something feel consensual in your writing.  There’s not really one particular thing that achieves this, you know?  It could be anything from comfort/safety with the person you’re pairing him with, to consent checks (these are just as effective!), to his own enthusiasm in the scene.  I’m gonna talk about smut writings below the cut, so warning for ns/f/w below:

To start, I’m hoping you’re asking this in regards to smut, otherwise I’m just info dumping on smut writing lol.  Consent and boundaries can exist for much more than sex, so apologies if I’m getting this wrong.

If you’re looking to go heavy on a show-don’t-tell way of showing consent and comfort from Homie, think about how he reacts to certain things.  Does he lean into their touch?  Does he shake with need, or is it actually anxiety?  <- This in particular is one that might require a smidge of telling, though your descriptions of him in the scene can indicate the difference too.  Does he touch/cling to them, or try to confine himself to his own sort of space as if to keep away?  A lot can be told just in the way he reacts physically. 

Doing perspective from his pov can also help a ton.  Is he excited by what’s going on?  How’s his internal monologue sounding?  His emotional state?  Fics from his pov can help with being more open about how he feels and you don’t have to pingpong as much between characters.  Readers are generally understood to be consenting (unless otherwise specified) since those types of works are self indulgent, so the focus doesn’t necessarily have to be on both but certainly can be if you’d like!  

‘Telling,’ or just having verbal consent checks (can be nonverbal too!) is still very effective, and is something I’ve done in my own fics before.  That, and the stuff above (and stuff I might have missed) are all really good ways to do it.

I’m going to talk about how I write him with my OC (and, to be fair, readers as I just picture the reader as my OC anyway when I write those types, lol).  With Ben, it's interesting to write smut for Homelander.  The whole shtick with them is that Ben is literally just some guy Homie threatened into joining The Seven that ended up bonding with him and forming a relationship.  The beauty of that is that this establishes a baseline of comfort and safety with one another (as a general rule, this baseline can be understood in fics without much or any backstory in a lot of cases). 

In one of my side fics, I have Ben stop Homelander from initiating sex, and even kissing (pre-relationship, for context) because he recognizes that Homelander is trying to bury his grief with it and doesn’t want to take advantage of him while he’s in such a tender state.  But that scene was written with the understanding that Homelander was trying to do that, and his paired character recognized it.  Again, this is something that you have incredible control of as the writer.

With my Ben x Homie fic “Touch,” I actually have it start with Ben asking if he can touch Homie.  I focused that fic from Homie’s pov and have him ramble some internal thoughts about “duh, we’re dating,” which I did to sort of toy with Homelander’s concepts of explicit vs implicit consent.  Ben asks for explicit consent, but Homelander believed it was already implicitly there.  As a man who has likely never genuinely been asked that question (or at least not in good faith/have it be ignored after), it felt very right to have Ben ask him that.  Throughout the fic, Homelander seeks more and more contact with his body, which I felt shows his eagerness and desire to continue.  

When things are a little more wild, such as with the fic where he’s tongue-blasting Ben’s wrist spinnerets, I wrote from Homie’s pov again to establish that it was his freaky-deaky playful nature that led to him thumbing at Ben’s wrists, gauging the physical response, and getting more and more into it.

Writing him as submissive or bottoming is when I rely heavily on physical queues as well as verbal.  If he’s seeking more on his own accord while trying to follow any rules, this shows his eagerness.  Gasps, moans, and glassy eyes searching for reassurance (that find it readily) are good physical indicators.  And here I think consent checks would be excellent!  Given what we know about him, his abuse by authority figures, and his struggle with power dynamics, it’s not at all inappropriate or out of place for his partner to ask if he’s okay, if he wants to continue, etc while he’s in an especially vulnerable state- especially if his partner also knows about these things.  I think he would actually really really appreciate this.

Want to tie it all together with making sure he’s comfortable?  After care.  Holy moly, after care!!!  After care is under utilized imo, but it’s a wonderful way to have your characters talk afterward and explore how they feel.  Maybe one takes care of the other, helps them clean up, preps a bath and dotes on them (or they mutually dote) while they share the tub.  Maybe it’s just pillow talk.  But it’s very special and can really add that layer of comfort.

Like I said, there's a ton of ways you can do this. Just do what feels right, you know?

I don’t know if this answered everything thoroughly, but please shoot me another ask if I missed anything!  I appreciate you a ton for thinking of me and your kind words about my interpretations <3 

[thinkhesaurus]

Well well, if you're gonna twist my arm~ here’s some nsfw headcanons about Owen/Xanatos. gen kinks ahoy

nsf//w and gargoyles spoilers under the cut you know the drill. 

✿ : Has your muse ever had sex before?

...Sort of. As Oberon’s servant, occasionally the king didn’t want to bother with that ridiculous foreplay, so he used Puck as a fluffer. Or if Titania were to kick her husband out of bed, Puck was around to finish Oberon off.

It wasn’t non-consensual, mind. Puck was happy to be of service to his king, but it did blur the lines between his role as his king’s servant or his king’s friend, which he most decidedly turned out not to be. Overall, his feelings about it in retrospect are mixed. He likes things with Xanatos far better.

☜ : Does your muse like to top?

Depends. Owen is something of a service top, and combined with his inexperience, he often stumbles over himself when he isn’t being told what to do in bed. But if Xanatos really wants him to and it makes the man happy, Owen will do whatever he wishes.

As Puck, though? Topping from the bottom is fun. He'll hop up on that stallion and ride Xanatos until he's begging for mercy.

☞ : Does your muse like to bottom?

He wouldn’t ever admit it, but he loves it. He’d act like a complete slut if Xanatos told him to, really. He already likes serving Xanatos. Being treated like nothing more than a wet hole for his master to fuck? Owen has to be careful sometimes not to let his mind wander to that kind of thing while he’s at work. Very....distracting.

☺ : How often does your muse masturbate?

Rarely, if ever. It’s just not something Owen would consider doing on his own. Maybe it’s one of those things someone needs to order him to do...?

☂ : How long does it take your muse to hit climax, usually?

Again, depends on the situation. He’ll almost always try and wait until his partner has been satisfied, at least once before he’d even consider finishing. Of course, if Xanatos has been edging him, working him up and teasing him until he’s aching, He only needs to be given permission, and he cums on command.

✌ : Is your muse good with their hands?

Owen gives incredible massages. He’ll sometimes go up to Xanatos at his desk and simply start rubbing his neck and shoulders if he sees him stretching or looking tense. It was only weird the first time and Xanatos got over it about three seconds in after Owen started working his own little magic on his employer's muscles.

After intensive workouts or martial arts training, Owen will sometimes give Xanatos a full-body massage, working his thumbs into sore muscles with warmed oil on every inch of his body until he has Xanatos turn over, doing the same to his front, watching David’s face carefully for any signs of discomfort as he kneads out tense knots of muscles. If Xanatos wants, He simply grabs Owen’s hand and puts it down between his legs underneath his towel. He knows how to take a hint, and Owen is a very good masseuse.

♡ : Does your muse have any birthmarks or scars they get embarrassed about others seeing?

He does have the stone hand. He’s not ashamed of it, but it can sometimes make sex a little inconvenient, and borderline dangerous if he’s not careful about where he’s swinging his hand. Xanatos used to just do his best to ignore it and settle for being touched with only one warm hand. After having time to reflect on why Owen even did what he did to turn his arm to stone, he takes time to touch it, to kiss the knuckles of it like a servant to a king. he likes the way it makes Owen stare at him.

(....and one time Xanatos made a fisting joke and Owen cut off sex for a month)

Á : Is your muse loud in bed?

No, and he tries his hardest to be quiet, too. So much so that Xanatos deliberately tries to do things that’ll get Owen to gasp, to moan, to make those delightful sounds that Owen would never make otherwise, those sounds that only he could get Owen to make.

⚔ : Does your muse have any specific kinks?

I don’t know if u could possibly tell from the rest of these entries, but Owen is a SUB. I headcanon that Fox and David are some of his first sexual partners, but the both of them are very experienced and figure out Owen’s desire to be useful and needed goes even deeper than they ever thought. Being ordered around, dirty talk, and edging are a few things he’s shown a particular liking for. 

☌ : Would/does your muse have any special piercings anywhere? Would they get some?

He’s a little squeamish about the idea of having a piercing in his own body, But he’s quite a fan of Fox’s nipple and clit piercings, and gives them plenty of attention~

♥ : Does your muse like to cuddle after sex? Anything else for aftercare?

Aftercare was something Owen had to get used to. He likes to devote himself to Xanatos, to anyone he cares about, and sometimes pushes himself into subspace too fast, or exhausts himself and doesn’t feel like he should ask David to put himself out just for him. With some well meaning pressure from Xanatos, Owen has gotten better about everything from using safe words to asking for a glass of water or a cuddle every now and again. Xanatos had just been hoping Owen would ask.

👅-Would they rather give or receive oral sex?

Give. Not that he doesn’t mind being on the receiving end, but pleasuring his master or mistress with his mouth and feeling them shudder and cum at the flick of his tongue is almost more satisfying than an orgasm to him.

👠-Do they watch pornography? If so, what kind?

Not exactly porn, but Xanatos has a thing for his creepy little spy cameras all over the castle and his office. He and Owen will fuck somewhere in the Eyrie building and later, the minute Owen’s forgotten about it, Xanatos will call Owen over to his desk to look at something on his computer. Most of the time it’s work, but now and then, one of the security tapes will be playing. “No,” Xanatos says when Owen tries to look away, embarrassed. “Watch,” he orders, and of course, Owen obeys, forced to watch and listen to his own moans and embarrassing whimpers played back for him. 

💋-Do they use tongue when they kiss?

Owen doesn��t care for it much, but he forgets that when he’s being fucked.

😈-Favorite sex position?

Call him vanilla, but he likes it missionary, with his legs wrapped around David’s dark hips pounding into him. He likes watching Xanatos’s face, the way his pupils dilate and strands of his hair fall from that normally perfect ponytail while he’s being thrusted into. But anything that makes him feel a little helpless is a huge turn-on for him.

Puck likes it like a cowgirl yeehaw 🤠💦

👎🏻-What is an absolute deal breaker in the bedroom?

Despite the fact he’s devoted to pleasing his partner in bed, Owen gets very angry and upset if he’s forced into something or handled too roughly without being informed or asked first. And believe me, you do NOT piss off the fae.

🐶-Favorite pet name they like to be called?

Honestly? He just really likes hearing Xanatos call him Owen. 

👄-Do they swallow?

When Xanatos cums, Owen looks up at him, obediently waiting for instruction. Xanatos always has him swallow, of course, but sometimes he likes to make Owen open his mouth, stick his tongue out and show his boss his handiwork before having him swallow it. Best part for him is David stroking his hair and moaning “good boy” at him.

👙-Favorite outfit in the bedroom?

Xanatos enjoys trying out all manner of leather, harnesses, gags and cockrings on Owen, who’s happy to model, of course. Xanatos never stops praising Owen’s body, his looks, his hazy blue eyes. Owen can’t deny the rush he gets from being gagged and collared, but he thinks Xanatos always looks best in his usual sleek black attire. Owen is partial to wearing cuffs and restraints as well.

💦-Best place for their partner to cum on/in?

He likes being on the receiving end, but he doesn't much care for the cleanup, Before or after. He prefers to swallow it, and he gets grumpy if Xanatos gets any on his glasses, even if Xanatos insists on how much he loves the sight of it.

🌶-Most sensitive place on their body?

For more casual romantic touches, Owen is content with as little as a hand on his shoulder-He’s not much for pda. More intimately though, Owen’s relatively new to having nipples, and might have overshot their sensitivity just a little... And Puck loves getting his long ears gently stroked or his hair played with.

👑-Daddy kink, yes or no?

Definitely not, so that’s why Puck has been waiting to break out the “daddy” card for years just to see the look on Xanatos’ face. It’ll happen. One day. He’s just biding his time. 

🍒-When and how did they lose their virginity, if they have?

Hundreds of years ago, to someone he was close to on Avalon.             

💍-Ever had an affair?

Xanatos and Fox have a well established open marriage so....only on paper?

🏢-Most public place they’ve had sex, or would like to have sex?

Owen pushed up against the glass of Xanatos’ office while his boss fucked him senseless, cock dripping precum onto the glass. The entire Manhattan skyline was shining below them, and everything Xanatos was looking at was all his.

[limwen]

Merman x female human (Chapter 3)

Here comes chapter 3! As always leave a heart if you like it and if you have time, leave a comment! Any positive and negative feedback is always welcome ^^

Link to other chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

Enjoy!

~~~

The following days, Alice found herself immersed in her work, her only solace being the chirping of the birds and the red fruit scented tea she would prepare every once in a while to keep herself hydrated. She was unaware that a very unlikely creature, one completely different from the birds, the fishes or any other animal the forest gave home to, was quietly and curiously watching her form, leaning over the computer: this strange creature, who was not human yet shared with humans many characteristics, among which a greater intelligence, was actually wondering what that girl was doing all the time clicking and looking at a strange surface that seemed to change in appearance. Days passed by and Alice was growing frustrated with how John Hutton was actually starting to gain consensus among people in the village. She suspected it had to do with the way they had been so willing to pay for her own consensus only two weeks before. She started to think that something had to be done, but she hardly thought she would be capable of standing her ground alone. While mulling over these thoughts Alice found herself, once again, standing on the rocks surrounding the lake. She took off her shoes and sat onto a rock dipping her legs in the water. At first the freezing temperature made goosebumps appear on her skin, but she quickly adjusted to the temperature, closing her eyes and enjoying the warmth of the summer sun. A few minutes passed by and again Alice heard the otherwise calm water near her slosh around. When she opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was the same pair of eyes that had haunted her dreams ever since she first saw them: this time, however, that same golden blue was staring back at her and didn't vanish the moment she blinked her eyes. This time, under the bright sunlight, Alice clearly saw they belonged to a person, a man, hiding behind some rocks. She could only see his eyes and his messy black hair: she noticed his hair was wet and some strands were falling down on his forehead... What the hell was that man doing?! Why was he swimming in her lake and hiding behind some rocks?! Alice suddenly snapped out of her trance and, not knowing what to do, after all he hardly seemed hostile, even though he seemed very strange, asked him: "Soo... What are you doing there?" At the sound of her voice his eye opened wide in fright and he ducked beneath the surface of the water trying not to make any sound. Alice found herself at a loss for what to do. So she stood on her feet gaining a clear view of the man hiding in the lake. She took a cautious step forward him and was about to say how it was useless hiding like that when she clearly had already seen him, when she was suddenly met with a vision that almost convinced her that she was actually dreaming. Before her very eyes, clumsily hiding in the lake, was a — how could she even say that word without doubting her own sanity — a... merman: instead of his legs, a beautiful tail was slowly swishing around in the water. Alice stopped dead in her track, her mouth hanging open as her eyes tried to take in what was the most incredible thing she had ever seen. What brought her out of her stupor was the... merman... starting to emerge from the water, leaning on the rocks to get a better view of her, and saying something. She blinked and slowly realized he had been talking to her. "I'm s-sorry... What did you say?" She asked, keeping her voice as low as possible, afraid this might be only a dream and any disturbance could make it end. "What's your name?" His accent was strange. Alice was, again, taken aback and answered still in shock: "Alice..." Some more time passed in silence, both staring at each other and neither knowing what to say. Until Alice thought that asking his name, before asking 'what' he was in the first place, might be nicer. "What's your name?" She asked trying to remember to breathe amidst her stupor. The merman made then a very strange sound which slightly reminded her of the clicking sounds dolphins make. Then he explained: "My name doesn't exist in human language". Alice was again at a loss for words. So she asked the only thing that she could think of: "Soo, you're not human?" Damn it, why do I always sound so stupid — she thought to herself lowering her gaze and blushing — it's obvious he's not human, stupid Alice. She looked up again at the sound of his laugh. His mouth was tilted in a slight smile and in his eyes she could see a glint of playfulness that put her on guard. "I'm a merman. This lake is my home". Alice knew then that that time, when she thought she had only dreamed it, it actually was him she had seen. "So it was you I saw, that time, a month ago". "Yes, it was me". "How do you know English?" "Before you came living here, an old man was living in the house. He helped me when I was little and inexperienced. I actually come from the lake above this one but when I was little, I got lost and found myself here. During that travel I had injured myself and the old man treated me". Alice listened to his story sometimes giving her thigh a little squeeze just to make sure she wasn't hallucinating. "What happened then? Were you able to go back?" "My parents came searching for me after some days and I was able to return. Yet I never really liked that lake because a village of men was near it and we had to hide constantly. The moment I reached adult age, I decided I'd be living here where the only person who could see me was not a threat". "... I'm sorry, I feel like I've intruded in your place and didn't even ask permission..." She replied lowering her gaze. Another laugh came from the merman before he answered: "You don't need my permission to live in the house, if I didn't like you, I would have moved to another place already. We merfolk are used to moving..." Here he made a slight pause, a shadow of sadness visible on his face, before he looked at Alice again with a bashful smile: "But thank you, for your concern. It seems this house can only be inhabited by nice humans". Alice felt a smile tug at her lips, relieved he didn't think of her as a threat. "Can I ask you... how exactly can you trust me so easily?" The playfulness returned full in the merman's eyes and with a smirk he answered Alice, making her turn bright red: "I don't think I would ever feel threatened by such a cute girl". Now Alice was positive she could explode. Wh-what did he mean with 'cute'? Oh my god, why was it so embarrassing!? The merman seemed to read her mind: "I happened to hear, those times you thought no one could hear, when you read out loud the novel you're translating. If I remember correctly, you were insulting the samurai's mentor because of his, as I recall you said..." Alice was slowly dissolving in a puddle of embarrassment turning impossibly red "... 'asinine' views about marriage, didn't you? Also, do I have to remind you that time, when you were trying to fix the windowsill but you ended up..." "Stop it, okay I get it! God, you don't need to remind me any of it. I get it, I'm clumsy! Now can we please talk about the fact that you were spying on me?" Alice tried to save her situation by reversing the roles but she wouldn't be able to do just so, if his smug smirk had anything to tell. "How can anyone refrain from such cute scenes?" Alice felt like she could facepalm at that moment. Great, she had just discovered a merman living in her lake and obviously he had to ruin everything by being such a tease. She actually started laughing, maybe because the situation was so unlikely and strange, maybe because she couldn't believe any of it, but she noticed the merman laughing with her.

After she calmed down he started speaking again: "Don't worry I didn't spy on you on purpose. I usually stay clear of this part of the lake. As much as we are different from you humans, we actually also have the concept of privacy. It happened only those two times that I mentioned before... And the actual reason today I decided to speak with you was because I also heard what you said to that man the other day". "You heard?" "Yes, I appreciate what you did. It was very brave. This why I thought I could trust you only now, even though you've been here for a long time, but we merfolks have to be extremely careful of humans". Sensing the sadness in him she said: "I can't even imagine what it's like... hiding away in one's own home because of the cold-heartedness of others. We humans certainly don't give nature the right amount of respect". "You clearly do". He interrupted her, smiling gently. She noticed his eyes closed when he smiled and had to remind herself to answer before losing herself in his beauty. "I don't know... I think I try my best..." Her eyes suddenly darted toward his tail. She stared at it, mesmerized by its sinuous movements through the water. Noticing her stare he said: "Come closer, I won't hurt you".

She stepped closer, finally sitting on the rocks near him. Meanwhile, he hoisted himself up onto the rocks (Alice was very distracted by his arm muscles bulging under his pale skin and another blush covered her cheeks) and seated himself so that his the ending part of his tail remained in the water but the rest of it was illuminated clearly by the sunlight. He then turned towards her and smiling at her waited patiently while she admired the colors of his tail. Alice didn't think words could describe it: being a translator, she thought she was experienced when it came to choosing the right words to describe just about anything... in this case she could only admire the colors dancing and reflecting under the sunlight and she tried to remember them as if she was a painter. The skin on his torso was very pale, but going down towards where the scales began, it started to take on a bluish tint. Then started the first scales: these were a light blue and reflected a darker blue whenever he moved, the same color the scales seemed to acquire lower in his tail. They turned darker and darker until they started reflecting a dark green light. The fin at the end of his tale was not covered in scales, it seemed to move like silk in the water and the greens and the blues mixed in it seamlessly. He also had other three fins, smaller but similar in texture to the other one, two at his sides and another on his backside, each starting just under where his skin gave way to the scales. Alice was currently staring at the fin on his left side, facing her, which laid delicately on the rocks. "You can touch it if you want, just be delicate". Transfixed, Alice slowly reached her right hand forward until she felt the texture of the fin under her fingertips. It was so soft… she didn't think it would be like that. It seemed to be kept somewhat fanned out by what seemed like a bone structure. This left fin held a more violet hue compared to the rest of the tail. She was so concentrated tracing her fingers slowly up and down the fin that, at first, she didn't notice the grin the merman was sporting watching her. Only when she looked up and saw his expression, she remembered how teasing the words he had just said sounded. That was the moment she thought he would be the death of her. Being 22 years old one would expect for Alice not to become a stuttering mess every time she talked to a man, but that's exactly how she was. Having never had brothers and having never experienced a relationship (and for that matter even a first kiss) in her entire life, the shy Alice found herself completely ignorant to the world of men and how to approach them. Yet, always the romantic type, she continued on in blissful ignorance with her life, hoping in her heart someone would just come and sweep her off feet. Certainly, her mind subconsciously already saw this man... well merman... as a potential 'knight in shining armor'... Alice would say a very-attractive-and-very-naked-without-his-armor 'knight in shining armor'. Anyway, not only she wasn't able in general to interact with male specimens, and this one was a very intense male specimen (not even a human specimen if we want to be precise), but her poor heart absolutely didn't know how to handle someone who seemed to be flirting with her. It was this thought that sobered up Alice, that bitterly realized that one reason for why she never even had a relationship in the first place was that she was not considered attractive and not even one man ever approached her. While her blush finally started disappearing she turned and this time, looking at him, noticed his shoulder long black hair, and noticed he had three earrings, small golden rings, on his left ear. "Do the earrings mean anything?" "Not really, many merfolks have earrings. We have a similar fashion in jewelry to the one you humans have. I think we were inspired by your art, even though many merfolk like to deny it". He concluded smiling. Suddenly the phone Alice kept on the table in front of the house rang. This scared the merman who readily jumped into the water and disappeared from sight. Alice hurried to answer the phone and even after the call ended the merman didn't resurface again for the rest of the day, leaving Alice wondering if she would ever see him again.

[jacksjoke]

yo! i've been following your tumblr mostly just for cql because aha :^) you know how it is :^) but it's left a void in my chest. i know you rb a lot of content for other shows, so i figured i'd ask you for some recs (and the best places to watch them uwu)!! thanks so much i'd die for u

Hello anon!! I totally get you 💀 I’m gonna assume that you want me to rec BLs, so I’ll tell you only the ones that I’ve liked best and why, where I watched them, and possible trigger warnings as well for you :)

So first up is my favorite: Theory of Love

Who stars in it: Off Jumpol (as Kai) and Gun Atthaphan (as Third), aka OffGun, aka icons and best friends who we stan to this very day

Why I recommend: I adore this show for so many reasons but overall the vibe is just so good dfhkhkhj It references like a trillion rom-coms and I won’t spoil it but there is a literal montage of some classic rom-com scenes done by the main characters that is just so fucking hysterical, I cry every time. There’s also a compilation here of movie posters that they recreated to imitate some classic rom-coms as well, which made me DIE from emotions I tell you what. This show is just so funny and makes fun of itself with characters that you genuinely grow to adore. Kai is a chaotic dumb of ass bisexual and we love him in this house (as infuriating as he can be lmfao). It’s so rewatchable GOD 10/10 would recommend.

Warnings: There is no sexual abuse in the show of any kind, except for one scene that is just a kiss and very mild, so I think you’d be all good there. :)

Where to watch: I watched it on YouTube! Here’s the link to episode one part one

History3: Trapped

Who stars in it: Jake Hsu (plays Shao Fei) and Chris Wu (plays Tang Yi), aka weirdos who can’t stop laughing while filming and being dumb in general and I love that for them and me

Why I recommend: I loved it. The main couple is adorable with so much chemistry and I will be totally honest, they remind me SO MUCH of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. Like on the rewatch I just did of this show, I couldn’t believe the similarities the character Shao Fei has to Wei Wuxian and his counterpart Tang Yi has to Lan Wangji. Like. When I tell you I was shook the house, I mean it. But the side couple is ALSO iconic the house and the CUTEST like if you don’t want to adopt Zhao Zi and also officiate his wedding by the show’s end, I’d be shocked dfhhkghdjkl All in all, it’s such a funny show with very tender, heartfelt moments that are to die for. This show has it all: plot twists, cops falling in love with mobsters and vice versa, a character whose goal in life is to just eat as much good food as possible… amazing.

Warnings: The show has fighting and violence but seeing as you watched The Untamed, I’m assuming you’re okay with it lol There is an instance where one character tries to rape one of the leads by drugging him, so keep an eye out for that, but I think it will be obvious because he starts to pass out and you will know whether you feel you have to skip the scene or not. He isn’t undressed, it isn’t anything remotely graphic, but he is groped by the asshole I won’t name man fuck that guy but that’s all!

Where to watch: I watched it on newasiantv, link to ep1 here

Dark Blue Kiss

Who stars in it: Fluke Gawin Caskey (Mork) and Podd Suphakorn (Sun) aka two of the most gorgeous and sweet dudes alive fdhgldfhgdk AND BL vets, New Thitipoom (Kao) and Tay Tawan (Pete)

First off: dshhgdksj If you haven’t seen Kiss Me Again or Kiss the Series you might be a little confused. Dark Blue Kiss is sort-of-a-continuation-but-not-really of those other two series, and it sort of adds to the experience if you have seen them. If you want to, just watch Kiss Me Again and I think you’ll be okay honestly; it’s just because you might want context of the characters (Pete and Kao, their friends etc.) and their relationships to one another going into Dark Blue Kiss.

Why I recommend: NOW two of the leads, Sun and Mork, have one of The Best relationships in any BL I’ve ever seen because they have real conversations and have real conflict and issues that they work to get through. Rain (Sun’s younger bro and Mork’s bestie) is an absolute delight and their story arc throughout the show is so iconic we just have to stan. I won’t get into Kao and Pete fhhkhdj because I just have Opinions on fucking w characters/relationships for the sake of drama and that’s what I think this series did to them, unnecessarily ahem But otherwise it’s funny and real and again if you dont literally love Mork and Rain and Sun by the end of it did you even watch the same show???

Warnings: There is a brief scene where one character tries to get w another who is like get tf AWAY weirdo lmfao but there is no actual abuse bc they are stopped well in time to avoid it

Where to watch: I watched Dark Blue Kiss on newasiantv as well because the episodes on YouTube tended to not get subbed as quickly as I wanted which you will understand if you watch this lmao. Here is the link to episode one of Kiss Me Again as well as a link to episode one of Kiss the Series if you feel like watchin those two beforehand

Tharntype the Series

Who stars in it: Gulf Kanawut (Type) and Mew Suppasit (Tharn) aka those two guys who you might see do a shit ton of fanservice that I diligently ignore because I hate fanservice lol This show exists in the same universe as another BL that I am reluctant to put on here lol but will get into later on.

Why I recommend: BEFORE YALL FLAY ME ALIVE djkhgldhgfdjhhkjd OKAY LISTEN genuinely, on a very real level, I FULLY understand why a lot of people here refused to watch this show or couldn’t finish it. You’re totally valid and legit I almost stopped after ten minutes because I was like here we go AGAIN. However! I was so drawn in by the acting that I wanted to give it a chance, and I’m SO GLAD that I did. Gulf and Mew, as well as Mild (who plays Techno) and Kaownah (who plays Lhong) and everyone else who acts in this show, is incredible and their chemistry is insane. I would say it’s some of the best chemistry and acting I’ve seen, BL or otherwise. You get angry at the two main characters interchangeably and I truly feel that that makes it real, you know what I mean? There is no oh he’s in the right, fuck that other guy 100% for either of them. They are both real, flawed men who grow so immensely throughout this series where by the end you’re so proud of their development and the love they find for themselves and in each other??? Because it doesn’t feel like we’ll get there, but they DO. And it’s BEAUTIFUL. We’re getting a second season, which to me is always a tad worrisome because I do think it ended very well and if they fuck with everything (cough KaoPete) just to fuck with it and stir the pot I’m gonna be Upset. But for now, it’s amazing and speaks on topics that aren’t ever addressed. It’s an unfortunate reality in BL that the way so many relationships begin is through sketchy-consensual (drunk, coerced) or flat out like non consensual sexual shit, and this show dives into the aftermath of sexual abuse, the mental impact that has on a person, and how damaging it can be if left unattended. I would give it a chance. I really do think it’s a well done series. Oh and Techno is so relatable and the only one with a brain cell in this show half the time jkdfhhdlkj

Warnings: Like I said, this show is not an easy watch at times. Very often, in fact, it can be difficult. There is homophobic language, two of the characters (I dont want to spoil everything) have been raped in the past, one as a child (which is NOT GRAPHICALLY SHOWN, don’t worry) and the other as a teenager/young adult, which is sort of shown but not in too much detail. Another character in present day “does stuff” to another that isn’t totally consensual, more than once (which is probably my biggest problem with the show and the one thing I really can’t excuse because like bro I don’t care how big your crush is, don’t be an asshole, point blank), but every other sexual thing in the show is consensual and very much wanted

Where to watch: Here is episode one on newasiantv if you want to give this a shot :)

He’s Coming to Me

Who stars in it: Singto Prachaya (Mes) and Ohm Pawat (Thun) aka just two adorable boys

Why I recommend: This show definitely has one of the more unique plots among BLs. I won’t spoil it, and as with all of these I recommend going in without looking up plots because like I know for me movie trailers etc just tell me everything and there doesn’t seem to be a point in watching the movie if I know so much beforehand. The main characters are cute together, there are funny moments and moments that make you cry. And it’s a happy ending, which we love to see :)

Warnings: There is a major character death, no blood though, and you will understand in context that it isn’t as bad as it seems right now lol Nothing that isn’t consensual, which is a miracle in these shows. Overall wholesome content. There is like a weird storyline with one of the character’s moms which was Different to say the least dfjhdflhgkjf but it didn’t ruin the show for me or anything

Where to watch: newasiantv seems to be my go-to lmao

3 Will Be Free

Who stars in it: Joss Way-Ar (Neo), Mild Lapassalan (Miw), and Tay Tawan (Shin). If you watch Dark Blue Kiss or any of those before this, you will recognize Tay and Mild as Pete and Sandee (just friends in those shows). Joss is just such a funny, sweet guy and so is Tay Lowkey biased for them and I honestly often favor TayJoss’ chemistry over TayNew, which I think is controversial lmfaoo but it has to be said lol and obviously Mild is a badass actress and talent so having her here is amazing

Why I recommend: So this is the only BL thus far to feature a polyamorous relationship, which is sort of crazy but I’m so happy it’s been done at least once now. The three have such amazing chemistry and you really grow to care for each of them as individuals as well. They’re just really awesome and I adore them and miss them every day fdjghfdglhkjd There’s also a trans actress!! :D

Warnings: There is quite a bit of gun violence bc one of the character’s father’s is a mob boss. Two side characters are killed, one much further into the show so it hurts even MORE, and one of the other side characters therefore to me doesn’t receive the ending they deserve; it was very messy and I think they deserved better. A woman is in an abusive marriage to a man, which sucked and I skipped a lot of it even though it wasn’t necessarily super violent. I just don’t like that stuff ://

Where to watch: Surprise surprise, newasiantv

Until We Meet Again

Who stars in it: Fluke Natouch (Pharm) and Ohm Thitiwat (Dean), Earth Katsamonnat (Intouch) and Nine Noppakao (Korn). Fluke and Earth invented being friends like……they are so fucking cute and they are both actually queer (have been in public relationships with men) which is always so rare to see and really great :)

Why I recommend: Side couple TeamWin is absolutely iconic. I adore them with my whole body so if for nothing else, watch it for them LMAO But for real InKorn is such a cute couple and PharmDean has a very nice relationship too; they talk about consent and have healthy communication which is so refreshing lmao

Warnings: The show does open with a double suicide by gunshot. I won’t say who, but it is in there. The two main characters have flashbacks/PTSD/nightmares (one worse than the other) which you will understand in context if you watch, but it’s definitely worth the watch

Where to watch: This show is currently airing and I watch it on YouTube; here’s the link to episode one part one

Love By Chance

Who stars in it: Perth Tanapon (Ae) and Saint Suppapong (Pete), Mean Phiravich (Tin) and Plan Rathavit (Can). This is the show that is in the same universe as Tharntype, but the actors who play Techno, Tharn, and Type are different actors in this show than from Tharntype. It’s confusing and messy lol

Warning: I’m putting this before the why I like it because I think it’s necessary for this one. I hesitate to even put LBC on here because there is so much of this show that just makes me uncomfortable. When I first watched this show, the second BL I had ever watched, I had no knowledge of BLs, the actors, or really anything to do with any of this world. So, having grown up with film/tv life where every actor is 27 playing 17, it didn’t occur to me that the actor playing 18 would in fact be 17 instead. Perth was I think 17 or possibly 18 while filming (I don’t know exact dates), which includes sexual scenes that I didn’t even feel comfortable watching BEFORE I knew his age, let alone trying to rewatch the series while knowing about it. I am 20, and was 19 last year when I watched this, so it really skeeves me out to watch those kinds of scenes (BL or otherwise) if actors or actresses aren’t at least 18 or 19. It seems weird because I’m 20 and a queer girl, not like a 50 year old pedophile or something like that, but for my own comfort I tend to skip the more explicit stuff. On my first watch, I skipped the Tharntype, TumTar, and Techno storyline because frankly I didn’t care. Going on to watch Tharntype the Series, I was even happier to have skipped so that I didn’t have to go in with a preconceived idea of the characters from having watched LBC. One of the characters in this version of events is raped or coerced into sex; I don’t even know the details because I just couldn’t be bothered to give it a chance. I firmly believe you can watch this show without watching any of their storylines (and skipping over the more sexual stuff, if you feel you have to), which I know sucks to say bc the actors are all good and I like their other work and them as people, but I just couldn’t do it. It is of course up to you.

Why I recommend: Basically I recommend this just for TinCan lmao and on the chance that you do decide to watch Tharntype, it pays at the end to have a knowledge of the LBC characters because again they are in the same universe and it won’t be as cool if you don’t get it right away like WHAT!!! You know haha so yeah There is going to be a season two dropped sometime this year, focused I believe on TinCan, so I’m literally so fucking excited. Dreams are coming true

Where to watch: I found this show on both Dailymotion and newasiantv

Hey again anon it’s been a minute dfhlhghjd I’m sure this is way longer than you thought and probably don’t want HA but I wanted to be as thorough as possible for you and anyone else who might be new here you feel So some shows I didn’t get into that I watched include Great Men Academy, Together With Me, 2Moons and 2Moons2, Love Sick, ’Cause You’re My Boy (aka My Tee), History3: Make Our Days Count, SOTUS the Series, History2: Crossing the Line, (currently airing) Why R U?, and 2gether.

If you get through the ones I talked about above and want me to talk about these other ones, I’ll do that too!! I hope this helps you and others :D ✌️ ✌️

[ariadnelives]

Chapter 15 -- The Recovery

[Missed earlier chapters? Go catch up here! Otherwise, welcome back! Oh, and make sure to join our discord server! Chapter can also be found @ ao3”]

It had been two and a half weeks since ViLaz had come aboard. Deathsbane had kept her on a steady drip of her regenerative catalyst, which was a world of help integrating the new cybernetic parts Ariadne and Alicia had built to replace what she'd lost in the fire.

It was physically easy to treat her. She seemed conscious, but somewhat unresponsive. She stood when left standing, she sat when offered a chair, she would take no initiative to feed herself, but when food or water was placed in front of her she seemed to know what to do with it. She offered no resistance and followed instructions when Ariadne attempted to recalibrate her new legs, or when Sasha attempted to sponge-bathe her.

She did not speak unless spoken to, and when giving a response, she didn't waste words. Her tone was flat and vacant, as though her mind had left her body to attend to some other business, and in her place was a completely thoughtless AI who'd been given the sole directive to keep her from dying, so long as it wasn't too much of an inconvenience.

After a few days, she seemed to come out of her shell a bit. It was clear that she was, in fact, present and alert, although she was also experiencing some of the most profound grief imaginable, and the consensus on the ship was that “on this ship, that's saying something.”

She was cautious and guarded, and she wouldn't talk about herself, but she found something comforting about eating next to other people, especially other teenagers. There was an energy that came with being around people her own age that she didn't realize she'd been craving until she was surrounded by it. She'd spent pretty much her entire life eating flavorless meals alone, and she only had her father for company.

She avoided this line of thought. Her father was probably furious with her for defying the will of the Red God. She hoped he believed her to be dead, because she figured if he knew she was alive, he'd be along any minute to finish the job.

Deathsbane had been shocked, when examining her, to find a piece of cybernetic equipment that they had not installed at the base of her skull. It was no larger than a fingernail and had been heavily damaged by the flames, but Ariadne and Alicia were hard at work trying to divine its purpose.

Sweettalk had been a great help in showing her around the ship, getting her well-acquainted with the crew, and getting her settled in her very own quarters. Her condition had improved enough that she would no longer need to stay in the infirmary, and they'd made it clear she was welcome to a bed and a roof for as long as she needed one.

Of course, Sweettalk was one of the few people who could comfortably have an entire conversation with someone who didn't respond once, so ViLaz felt more comfortable around her. It helped that Sweettalk was close with the girl who'd healed her burns as well. ViLaz had never experienced people being so welcoming before. This was a group who took shock and offense when someone was ashamed of themselves, and not one of them ever told her that she deserved it for being a sinful, wicked child.

The sight of her cybernetics was still somewhat jarring. The serum managed to prevent scarring on the parts of her body that had not been removed, but her prosthetics were not at all subtle.

To start, Ariadne had improved on the life-support system they'd initially developed and constructed new, more stable, permanent replacements for her vital organs. Then, she and Alicia moved on to replacing her lost limbs. It was easy to use the tech behind Ariadne's mechanical legs to make metal skeletal structures that responded to ViLaz' thoughts as well as her original limbs, and bionic eyes were common enough that she could be fitted with one almost immediately. They even knew how to synthesize self-repairing fibers that could be woven into new muscles, and with some effort, they even developed a form of synthetic skin with artificial nerve endings, so her prosthetic limbs had a sense of touch.

The problem was the appearance of these modifications. They were sleek and modern and they felt so organic that if she couldn't see herself, she might have never realized she ever lost a part of her body. They were also a stark, metallic white and had electric blue accents.

“I'm sorry about this,” Ariadne said the first time she saw herself, “these are just prototypes so you can get a feel for them, we didn't have time to make them look realistic. We're working hard to get you a better model, okay?”

ViLaz told her not to rush, and that she wasn't really concerned with her prosthetics looking realistic. She didn't tell her that her whole life her appearance had been strictly controlled. The acolytes who cut her hair would actually measure the length, before and after, every single time, and she had no say in how it was cut or styled, or what she wore, or whether or not she wanted intricate red patterns drawn on her face. She actually kind of liked looking like she was half-machine, there was a certain freedom in knowing she was so far outside how the acolytes wanted her to look.

When her mind went down this road she was struck with a pang of shame. She'd disappointed the acolytes. She'd failed her father. She'd committed blasphemy against her lord. She had sinned and she had escaped the flames of righteous punishment the Red God had intended for her and he would be at her doorstep any minute to cast her into the pit of fire where she belonged.

She often wanted to hit herself, quite literally as she'd been taught self-flagellation as a form of penance her whole life, for having such sinful and rebellious thoughts. Ariadne and Pilar, however, would often sit with her late into the night just to make sure she was okay, and for some reason she couldn't stand the thought of hurting herself in front of people who'd gone to such lengths to ensure her safety.

There were other days when she found relief in the idea that the Red God made it clear that she'd failed her final test, lost any chance of salvation, and that she'd be sent to hell no matter what she did now, so she might as well have fun in the meantime. These were the relatively good days, which Ariadne found incredibly disheartening, because that's still a pretty negative outlook on life.

“You know,” Sweettalk pointed out from the next bed in the infirmary, popping red candies into her mouth while Sasha checked the progress of ViLaz' burns. There was absolutely nothing medically wrong with her, but she was off-duty and liked to spend her downtime with Sasha. “You fit in here a lot better than you think you do. I mean, we've all got some pretty heavy baggage.”

“I didn't bring any baggage,” ViLaz replied, confused.

“Emotional baggage,” Sasha explained, “she means that you're not alone, and everyone here knows what it's like to be in a hopeless situation or they wouldn't have ended up here. Lift your arm, please.”

ViLaz lifted her arm.

“Yeah, exactly,” Sweettalk continued and ate another candy, “I mean, hell, my shitty past is strapped to the bed right over there.” She gestured across the room at Prescott. “Yeah asshole, we're talking about you.”

“Hey, how come I don't get fancy bionics like her?” asked Prescott, who had long since given up struggling against his restraints.

Sweettalk spat back, “she's a teenage girl who got set on fire through no fault of her own and needed life-saving treatment. You're a 20-year-old conman who lost three fingers when you got caught robbing a church.”

“Also you tried to bite the doctor after she reattached your original fingers,” Sasha added helpfully. “If you wanted bionics so bad you should've left them on the ship.”

The side of ViLaz' face that still had organic skin turned red. “It was my fault,” she muttered.

“Hey, I don't want to hear that,” Sweettalk said flatly, “that's my friend ViLaz you're talking about and she's done nothing to deserve being set on fire, you hear?”

ViLaz did not agree with this sentiment but it was clear that Sweettalk could argue that water was dry and win, so she didn't press on it.

“Anyway,” Sweettalk went on, shaking a handful of candies out of the bag, “if you're worried about those church guys coming to find you, you're in the right place. This place was made for kids who need to hide from bad people. Like, literally. You should've seen the people Ariadne was hiding from. Oh, and what happened to them when they tried to track her down? Basically what I'm saying is, if someone tries to hurt you here, they're the ones who are gonna get hurt. Candy?”

Sweettalk offered her the handful of red candies and ViLaz saw that they were in the shape of small fishes. They were made of a gel that looked medicinal to her, but she politely took exactly one and popped it in her mouth.

It was overpoweringly sweet and sticky. “It's delicious,” ViLaz gasped, “is all candy this good?”

Sweettalk sat up sharply. “Shut up! You've never had candy?!”

“Shut up” was not a phrase ViLaz realized could be said in a friendly tone of voice and she flinched upon hearing it.

“I'm sorry!” She whimpered, “I'm sorry, I'll be quiet, I'm sorry.”

Sweettalk was shocked by this reaction and adjusted her voice to be almost too friendly in an attempt to compensate. “Hey, it's okay! It's just a figure of speech, I don't actually want you to be quiet. I was just surprised you'd never tasted candy before, okay?”

ViLaz sat silently, embarrassed beyond belief.

“I think I know what we've got to do,” Sasha said, placing her hand softly on ViLaz' shoulder, then turning to Sweettalk. “Call Cookie. Get her to send up three of every kind of candy we've got. We're having a tasting.”

“Can I—” Prescott began to ask from across the infirmary.

“NO.” Sweettalk and Sasha snapped in unison.

“I'm hungry,” he whined, “and you won't let me go to the mess hall myself.”

“Yeah, we tried that and you tried to steal all our food and hijack a shuttle.” Sasha replied.

“So, what, everyone's allowed to come and go as they please but me?” Prescott asked incredulously.

“Awww, you've finally grasped the concept of being held captive!” Sweettalk crooned sarcastically, as though she was talking to a baby. “But, we technically shouldn't let you starve, so I'll tell Cookie to whip you up a nice bowl of plain oatmeal and a glass of water in case it's too spicy.”

Several minutes later, Cookie filed in with two full carts of various candies and a single bowl of lukewarm oatmeal. Prescott's restraints were loose enough that he could move his arms to feed himself, and he briefly considered throwing the oatmeal against the wall to prove a point, but upon considering how many people in the room he'd thrown under various buses, he decided they would be unlikely to provide him with a replacement meal and opted instead to eat it.

For the next hour or so, Sasha took a break from inspecting ViLaz' progress and the three girls all sat on the same bed, trying different kinds of candy. It was the first time ViLaz had ever truly felt what it was like to have friends, and for a moment she forgot about all of the grief and shame she'd been carrying since she arrived. It was, up to that point, the single best experience of her life.

It was to be short-lived. In the drowsy, saccharine haze of their candy feast, known to most as a “sugar crash,” they heard Ariadne’s voice crackle over the intercom.

“Sweettalk, Deathsbane, you’re gonna want to get up here on the double. Bring ViLaz, she should see this too.”

After checking that Prescott’s restraints were extra-tight, the three girls hustled up to the War Room and found Ariadne and Spacebreather sitting around a hologram of a young girl standing on a stage in flowing robes.

“Is that me?” ViLaz looked puzzled. “Before… you know…”

“Really seems to be you, doesn’t it?” Ariadne asked, “problem is, this hologram was taken an hour ago.”

“I don’t understand…” ViLaz struggled to process this news.

“Sweettalk was right,” Deathsbane muttered.

“Confirms a working theory we had before your rescue. You’re not the only girl they’ve been using as a mouthpiece. One of your sisters, or half-sisters—”

“I don’t have any sisters,” ViLaz couldn’t make sense of what she was hearing. “I’m the sole scion of the Zealot.”

“What do you mean?” Pilar asked.

“My father’s bloodline was chosen as the vessel of the Red God on our plane, but his body was flawed and impure. He couldn’t contain the power of the Red God, and he was to be the last of his bloodline, but by His providence, a daughter was born. I was to be the Red God’s vessel, but in my weakness I rejected his glory and he…” ViLaz could not continue.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

“Honey,” Ariadne said, “did your dad tell you all of that?”

“No,” ViLaz responded, “the Red God did.”

“Come again?” Pilar asked.

“The Red God. He appeared to me regularly in my chamber, to prepare me for his coming. He spoke through me and spread his word to the people of Mars.”

Pilar and Ariadne exchanged a glance and Ariadne shuffled through a few papers. “Your chamber, suge, did it look anything like this?”

Ariadne held up the schematics of the immersion pod they’d picked up from La Pesadilla.

“That’s it. How did you get this…?”

“Did the Red God ever appear to you outside this pod?” Ariadne asked.

“No, we’d converse in the chamber and he’d speak through me when I left it.” ViLaz was shocked to see her chamber, where she’d grown up, laid out as a blueprint in front of her.

“Hon, this chamber is a highly advanced piece of technology. They use it to put thoughts in your head, control your dreams. I suspect the Red God was nothing more than one of those Acolytes trying to program the hell out of you, pardon the pun.”

“You’re wrong,” ViLaz said, knowing somewhere in the back of her mind that Ariadne was not wrong.

Ariadne tried to keep her tone slow and gentle. “We got these schematics from a lady who’s had run-ins with your daddy before. He uses these pods to show people visions of whatever it took to get them to join his church, be it dead relatives or Jesus himself—”

“Who’s ‘Jesus?’” ViLaz asked.

“I… have no response to that,” Ariadne said calmly, “but I want you to think rationally for a moment. What’s more likely, that your dad bought up a bunch of brainwashing beds and mind control chips, then you just happened to grow up in a bed that showed you visions of god, and occasionally someone else took control of your body? Or is it more likely that those things are connected?”

ViLaz knew the correct answer but felt unable to acknowledge it. “You’re wrong, I can’t explain it, but—”

Ariadne looked exasperated. “If you can’t explain it then why do you believe it?”

“Vi,” Deathsbane cut in as calmly as she could while still making it clear it was her turn to talk, “we removed a computer chip from the base of your skull when you got here. It was too damaged to recognize at first, but I’d bet it lines up to the schematics we’ve got for this mind control device.”

ViLaz rubbed the back of her neck, knowing that any surgical wounds were healed by now. “There … was a chip in my skull?”

“Occam’s razor,” Pilar pointed out. “Someone else was able to override your free will. The Zealot is known to be in possession of mind control devices. You had an unknown device lodged in your brain. Seems silly to assume those three things are just coincidence.”

“It does…” ViLaz sighed. “But I never knew about any sisters. He told me I was his only child… the only hope for the Red God’s rebirth …”

“Pressure trick,” Ariadne offered. “He made you think everything was riding on you so you’d be extra scared to fail.”

ViLaz looked ashamed.

“Frankly,” Ariadne said, “I admire you for finding the courage to do what you did. I know you might feel like a failure as a daughter right now, and believe me, sugar, I’ve been there, but I hope you know we’re all very proud of you for asserting your free will, and I want you to know that we will do whatever we can to win the freedom of every other man, woman, and child under his control.”

ViLaz looked at Ariadne, then around at a room full of friendly faces, which was something she’d never seen before arriving at Ship Trap. “You’re proud of me?”

“Of course we are,” Sweettalk said, “you totally saved our butts back there, and you had everything to lose. You’re a badass.”

ViLaz gave a hint of a smile, but then furrowed her brow. “What’s ‘badass?’”

[smoulderingocean]

Nick & June Tag Game!

Thanks for the tag @potpourri-of-ecclecticism! Took me a while to sit down and get this all written out, but I enjoyed seeing what others wrote. :)

Here’s my (very, very) long post!

1.) What’s your favorite Nick & June scene?

There are just so many to pick from! I’m going to cheat a little and pick one from each season.

Season 1:

The moment in 1x10 when June tells Nick that she is pregnant and he reacts so perfectly by supporting her in the way that she needed. His reaction was simply pure love; love for June and love for their child that was just starting to grow inside her. 

While in 1x08 he had been worried about the risks that their relationship might bring them, especially June, that changed completely in 1x10. They were caught sharing that tender moment by Serena and Nick didn’t even flinch. He was determined to do right by June and their child and he tried everything he could to ensure that by being there for her no matter what. 

And likewise, in 1x08 he distances himself from June and closes himself off, whereas in this scene his reaction is pure vulnerability through his displaying of love. The way he stares at their hands together and presses his face into her arm was just so open and raw, especially for a person who had banked his survival on not forming attachments. In that moment though, he completely accepts his attachment and love for June because it is what’s best for the both of them and denying it just causes necessary pain and suffering in a place otherwise full of it. 

The pure love from that reaction is something that I completely adore. In Gilead love is forbidden and so any action of love is a form of resistance, and it’s the best kind of resistance. 

Another thing that I particularly love about this scene is that it’s really the only time that we saw Nick get to touch June’s belly. The whole pregnancy experience was stolen from them both, but this is a moment where they were able to grab onto something together and acknowledge that they made a new life together. It’s really very precious. 

Season 2:

My favourite has to be the Hawaii conversation in 2x12. The entire scene, from Nick smiling at June’s corny joke to June nervously sharing her desire to name their baby Holly to them both sharing in this fantasy of a normal family life together was just so much. It was so raw and vulnerable and emotional.

This is the first moment they’ve gotten alone together in a number of weeks and I love how Rita senses their desire to be alone together and so she makes an exit and gives them the opportunity to get that much needed time alone together. Things start out a little awkwardly because they’ve gone through this huge change -their baby is here now- without getting the chance to address it. But then they finally get that chance to address it and it is such a beautiful, tender moment.

From a character standpoint, I think this is a fantastic scene. June’s survival tactics have switched from attempting to distance herself from the future to engaging in hopeful thoughts about it. Meanwhile for Nick, he’s become so much more open and vulnerable with June. 

There are so many little details about this moment that I love. The lighting is bright and airy and very much gives off a hopeful vibe, signaling that it truly is possible that Nick and June will be a family together and that they’ll get their sunny day at the beach. Another detail from this scene that I love is how Nick’s voice inflects when he says the word “family”. You can tell how much he wants for that to happen and how scared he is that it won’t, and it’s just very sweet and vulnerable. The way that June and Nick moved towards each other as they built up this dream was very fluid and almost dance-like, and it really pointed out the ease they have together with how buoyant their movements are around each other. It was also kind of flirty in a way, hinting at the desire that’s always bubbling under the surface when they’re together. You could tell at multiple points that they wanted to kiss.

And this is also the first moment that they truly get to be parents together, with their baby now out in the world. Nick says the word “mom” out loud when talking to June. They agree on the name Holly together, with June obviously caring what Nick thinks and Nick immediately working the name into his mind. June’s joyful reaction after he agrees that the name sounds right is one of the most beautiful ones on the show. It was just a very sweet moment, even though you’re also very conscious of the fact that their child has been forcibly taken and kept from them. 

Together, they’d brought to life a hopeful fantasy of a beach day. That fantasy starts off as just that- a fantasy. But as it progresses, it becomes more real. As soon a June says “she’s gonna love the beach”, that idea goes from a fantasy to a promise they’ve spoken. They’re going to get out of that hellhole and they’re going to go the beach, any beach, and have a good day.

Another small part of this scene I like is how obvious it is that Nick would be completely overjoyed if Holly ended up just like June because he admires June so much and thinks so highly of her. He couldn’t imagine anything better than for their daughter to be just like her. It really speaks to the depth of not only his love for her, but his admiration and respect as well. 

Honourable Mentions:

When June chooses to go to Nick’s room in 1x05 and they share a passionate night together. Everything about this scene is amazing; the fact that the scene is clearly female gaze oriented, the focus on female pleasure, the emphasis on non-verbal communication with a partner in how Nick realizes and respects June’s need for control (I can’t emphasize enough how great this is from a consent standpoint and a female pleasure one), how Nick doesn’t touch June until she’s undressed them both and has guided him towards the bed, female pleasure as resistance, how nudity is used to express vulnerability, etc. It’s a fantastically done scene and I fully believe it’s one of the best, if not the best, sex scene on tv. 

The wall kisses in 1x06 and 2x07. The pleasure and the vulnerability of these scenes is really great. There’s something so emotional about these two kisses that express vulnerability in a way that’s different from the sex scenes. They’re just so raw and emotional and passionate. 2x07 is especially great as it’s a moment where June realizes that Nick is willing to die for her and that thought frightens her and so she allows herself to live in the love she has for him before getting to work on protecting him as best she can. 

Of course the moment where June, Nick, and Holly are all together alone in 2x13. The build up to this scene was intense and you could feel how deeply longed for it was. Then it finally happens and it’s just so beautiful. It’s a release of emotions for Nick and June both and they just live in the love they’re feeling in that moment because it’s safe for them to do so and because it’s something they’ve needed to do ever since Holly was born. This is also the first time that Nick is acknowledged as a daddy and that just struck me so intensely. He’s this first time dad who is frightened when he first holds his child and you can see how much this longed for moment means to him. The joy on their faces as Nick held Holly for the first time was just beautiful. They got to be a family in that moment and it’s so intensely emotional. Then June, who is really living in that love, expresses her love for Nick to him and it just blows him away. This moment was such a huge shift for them and the implications for the future will be huge. And again, Rita senses their need to be alone and grants them that privacy, and not only that, but she smiles while briefly watching it too. It’s a really great moment all around.  

  2.) Which scene between them did you find most heartbreaking?

With a show like this, there’s a fair share of heartbreaking moments too, so again, I’m going to cheat and do one for each season.

Season 1:

I think the forced ceremony in 1x05 is incredibly devastating. Here are these two people who have started to build trust together and find happiness in each other while navigating their feelings (I fully believe Nick was in love with June by this point and that June was beginning to develop feelings of her own) and physical attraction, and then suddenly Serena reminds them of who is truly in control and so she uses their bodies as tools to achieve her own end. 

Throughout the scene, it’s awkward and uncomfortable. This moment had been building up between them since the beginning, but instead of being beautiful and passionate, it’s horrifying and devastating. Serena twisted what should have been an intimate, pleasurable, and consensual moment into one of sexual assault. Neither Nick nor June could truly consent to this and you could tell it devastated them both. 

This is also the first moment where June gets a more intimate look at the person Nick is by seeing his things and the photo of him with his brother. These should have been things that Nick had the choice to share with June, but that was taken away from him too. 

And yeah, it’s a really sad moment and one that truly showcased how horrible Serena is, in that she’d treat these two humans as playthings just so she could steal their baby and get the social benefits of motherhood.

Season 2:

I think the entirety of 2x05 would be the most heartbreaking. There wasn’t one particular moment between them that was most heartbreaking, but rather a series of cascading events that were increasingly heartbreaking.

You start with June in the midst of a mental breakdown, going deep inside herself and surviving under the cloak of her “Offred” identity because for those weeks, being June was too painful and too hard. Meanwhile, Nick watches helplessly for weeks as June doesn’t acknowledge him or her own name. He watches her detach herself from their baby, under the obvious terror that she’s so close to having to give her up. It’s a time where she needs him more than ever because she can’t be strong in that moment (no one can be strong all the time), but he’s helpless to do anything substantial. He tries what he can, but nothing works. And so in his greatest hour of desperation, he turns to Serena, hoping against hope that she’ll do something to make June mentally ok again. But she doesn’t and instead, she feels threatened and ultimately results in Nick being married off to a teenage girl against his will in order to remind him that he has no control here. It was also done to provoke an emotional response in June, which it does, though not in the way Serena wanted. And so June chooses to go outside to die because everything in that moment is too unbearable for her.

When Nick goes outside and his intuition tells him something is wrong with June and he finds her dying in the rain, bleeding out as she lays on the ground, it’s his worst possible nightmare come true. As I discuss in this post, everything in this moment stops in Nick and shatters. The worst possible thing to him is losing June and their baby and now it could happen to him. He was completely devastated and not at all in control over his emotions in that moment like he normally is. The way he held June in his arms and screamed for help was the cries from someone who has been broken.

Just the build up of multiple heartbreaking events made 2x05 the most heartbreaking to me because all put together, it’s a terrible set of circumstances that June and Nick are in. 

Honourable Mentions: 

The “breakup” scene in 1x08. After an emotional night where Nick had to yet again helplessly watch as June suffered at the hands of Fred and seeing her emotional devastation as he drives them back to the house, he calls off the relationship. In his flashback, we see Nick say that it’s better to not form attachments. Obviously by that point something awful had happened to the people he cared about and so he wants to preempt that pain by trying to avoid becoming attached to June. Except that obviously fails because he’s in love with her and nothing will make those feelings go away. In addition, I think that Nick was worried that Fred could sense his attraction to June (just based on how Fred taunted him with how beautiful June looked), and so he thinks that keeping his distance would help keep June safer. It’s June’s utter devastation from this that really makes the scene heartbreaking. With Nick she’d created something good and now he was taking that away, giving her nothing but scraps of information when she deserved so much more. 

In 2x09 when Nick brings June the information he obtained while in Canada. I am so glad that Nick shared the things he learnt, because June absolutely deserved to know. But it was a devastating moment because you could feel the utter heartbreak in him. He brings June this information that initially caused her pain from fear and then joy at the news that the people she loves are safe. It hurts Nick to say those things because that’s not a life he was a part of, nor is it one that he feels like he could be a part of in the future. In this moment you could just see how the pain of not getting to be a family with June crushes him; the way he faces the window and rubs at his face and tilts his head back after telling June about Luke just said so much. And then before he goes, he reminds June that he loves her and in him saying that, he’s also telling her that he loves her too but that he doesn’t expect anything from her. He wants her to be happy and so he (rightfully) gives her the control over how to achieve that, even though it hurts him so much because she and their baby are seemingly his only family left and they might not get to be a family in the way he wants them to be. 

At the end in 2x13, when Nick sees June and Holly in the window before they make their escape and they share a silent goodbye. This is one of those “positive heartbreaking” moments in that what’s happening is objectively good even though it’s hard to watch in a sense. Nick very well in that moment could be saying goodbye to June and their daughter forever,  not long after holding Holly for the first time and June telling Nick that she loves him. June could be telling Nick goodbye forever with their daughter in her arms after sharing a beautiful moment with him and they might not ever see each other again. It was them separating, even though it was for a good cause, and so that was sad. In an ideal world they’d get to be a family together in Canada after surviving everything. But this is Gilead and that might not happen and so that moment might have been the last one they shared together. (Of course June has since chosen to remain in Gilead and I’m certain they’ll reunite, but Nick doesn’t know that yet.) And yeah, it’s a good kind heartbreak, but it was still heartbreaking in a sense. 

3.) Other than Nick or June, who is your favorite character on the show?

This is a hard one, but I’m going to have to go with Janine.

Janine, who has been through so much, is able to keep her faith and is able to find joy and beauty among the horror. She loves people so deeply and sweetly, while also still retaining part of her biting personality. Despite it all, she’s also retained a sort of innocence that is relieving to watch because they haven’t managed to take everything from her. 

Janine has such lovely friendships with the people around her. The dandelion in the colonies with Emily is one that stands out.  I love how her optimism keeps Emily from completely losing herself in such a horrid environment. The wedding she planned for Kit and Fiona was a moment of selfless kindness that is so rare in Gilead. Her excitement over June’s pregnancy and baby was just so sweet because you knew she was genuine about it. (This one is both sad and lovely in that you can see her losing herself, but you also know she’s right in her adamence that June is the baby’s mother.) 

I love how Janine and June both mother each other in different ways, as we tend to do for our friends. Janine’s innocence and volatility puts her at significant risk for harm. Meanwhile, June’s emotional compartmentalism puts her at risk for a different type of harm. They balance each other out in a way that attempts to mitigate those risks and they make each other stronger in a way. 

Janine is a good mother too. She knows that babies need love and contact and emotional connection. She shows in her contrast with Naomi that not everyone is fit to be a mother and how socially prescribed motherhood is harmful to everyone involved. She also shows that just because you are wealthy and seemingly mentally well does not mean you make a good parent, and that just because you are poor and mentally ill does not mean you’d be a bad parent. So often poor and mentally ill people are shown to be bad parents, but they buck the trend with Janine which I think is great.

Honourable Mention:

Rita. She’s a badass who obviously cares very deeply for June, Nick, and their baby. 

She’s whip smart, observational, and sarcastically funny. She’s also incredibly brave in how she risked everything to get June and the baby out. So few people are willing to take risks in Gilead (understandable considering what happens) and so anyone who does so is amazing. 

I find her fascinating. I want to know more about her and her life from before. I’d love to explore her friendships with June, Nick, and the other Marthas. I want her to get out to Canada with June and Nick and be a badass godmother to Holly. 

And yeah, I have a lot of feelings haha. Congrats to anyone who actually reads the whole thing haha, because this got super long!

[yupuffin]

Why You Probably Think Nezumi’s Hair Looks Silly

(and why it’s probably not as bad as you think it is)

In the past I’ve written a few anime analysis posts with varying degrees of seriousness. My last post along these lines was not the most lighthearted read, but fortunately, this time around, I spontaneously got an idea for a less serious topic to write about. I managed to keep up with the anime JUNI TAISEN: ZODIAC WAR right on the tail end of its release, which I believe was crucial to my ultimate enjoyment of this series. What I did not manage to do was predict that Nezumi would end up my favorite character (although I’m certainly not complaining, given, for one, how much inspiration his narrative has given me for analytical posts such as this one).

Like most other viewers, I comfortably got to know Nezumi over the course of the story, but when the episode that focuses on his backstory rolled around, I was not sufficiently prepared for the most dramatic reveal of all!!: his true... hairstyle?

As usual, an obligatory warning for spoilers under the cut.

Let’s face it, the assumption that, under all of that armor, Nezumi is just a plain grey-haired anime boy is completely reasonable based on what we see of him i the first eleven episodes. Sure, we see that the armor on his head is shaped rather oddly, but -- I don’t know about you, but I merely assumed that its sole function was to provide a visual pun in reference to his zodiac animal and ability: the protruding portions are shaped like rodent ears, and match nicely with what I would guess is an ear cover shaped like a computer mouse (haha -- because of Hundred Click, and because he’s a rat). Alas, how very wrong I was, because it turns out, that part is actually --

...A HAIR PROTECTOR?

Okay, back up for a minute. What’s the deal with this?

As it is without the fwooshes (as I affectionately call the longer, flowing, reminiscent-of-rodent-ears portion of Nezumi’s hairstyle), short, solid-colored hair is a pretty typical style for any generic anime character, and based on what we can see when Nezumi is wearing his very stylish armor, we don’t really have any reason to think to ourselves, “Oh yeah, I bet his hair totally fwooshes out under those rat ears,” because we’ve never really seen it before -- or, if we have, characters with simple, short hair like you’d see on a normal person are much, MUCH more common. So, since that’s the basis of information we have to refer to, that’s what we conclude, and we never really give it a second thought until finally, in the very last episode, we see Nezumi in his civilian garb, and his hair, is in fact, very much not normal.

(Granted, there are slight visual indications of the presence of the fwooshes even when Nezumi is wearing his armor, or even the hooded sweatshirt he dons in the ending animation, but since we don’t have the expectation that there’s any ornamentation there to begin with, they are very easy to miss. That’s how the human brain works -- we tend not to notice things that we don’t expect to be there. This is effectively supported by one of my favorite studies of all time, which involves an animal whose close relative also participates in the Juni Taisen.)

Because Nezumi’s hairstyle is highly unusual and blatantly contradicts our expectations, it’s a big surprise when it’s finally revealed. From what I can tell based on the posts that were floating around on Tumblr, as well as other platforms, on the same day that the final episode of JUNI TAISEN was released, the overall response was one of shock. I recall reading the consensus that Nezumi’s hairstyle was thought of as “silly” (heck, I even said out loud to myself as I was watching the episode, in spite of how emotionally attached I was starting to get to him, “that looks stupid!”) and I distinctly remember reading a post that simply told Nezumi to “get a new haircut.” Again, given our previous assumptions and conclusions, this reaction is understandable. For eleven episodes prior, we got used to seeing Nezumi in cool-looking warrior armor, which, despite his meek disposition, makes him look strong and capable in battle on the outside. Hence, the flowing, delicate, arguably more feminine silhouette given by his everyday appearance is incredibly incongruous.

As anyone who has seen KADO: The Right Answer (another of my favorite anime to analyze, so shameless plug here) can certainly argue, properly executed surprises evoke a strong emotional response from the audience, and the artists behind JUNI TAISEN definitely did not design Nezumi thinking that the audience wouldn’t be at least a little bit surprised when they grew intimately familiar with an armor-clad Warrior of the Rat who was then revealed to be a normal schoolboy with strangely fwooshy hair in his everyday life. Hence, the pronounced and highly specific emotional reaction the audience experiences upon this reveal was evoked intentionally. However, the function of this response changes depending on your particular experience of the series.

The anime JUNI TAISEN: ZODIAC WAR is based on a one-shot manga released in January 2015 titled “The One Wish That Must Be Granted, and the Ninety-Nine That Can Be Done Without,” which, as you can probably guess from the shared name, encompasses what is essentially the exact same story retold in the twelfth episode of the JUNI TAISEN anime; hence, JUNI TAISEN functions as a sequel to the original manga, despite taking place beforehand from a chronological standpoint. As a result, the original manga is all about Nezumi; the readers have no previous experience to refer to when first diving in -- not even any background on the function of JUNI TAISEN in its dystopian society, or who any of the other characters are. In this case, Nezumi’s hairstyle does not exactly function as a surprise due to this lack of background. Instead, the added visual interest of Nezumi’s hair fwooshes make him less plain and more interesting to the reader. With normal hair, he would just be another main character anime schoolboy, and, because of his lack of other redeeming or heroic qualities (which makes him such an intriguing character in the narrative of a battle royale), there would not be much about him to make him memorable to the reader. (What he does have going for him is that his plainness and his general ambivalence towards the high school experience makes him particularly relatable to anyone who has also gone through that sort of thing.) Perhaps, in the case of the original manga, Nezumi’s hair was indeed simply an attention-grabbing visual quirk added mostly as a shoutout to his signature animal, the rat.

On the other hand, the JUNI TAISEN anime seems to be written under the assumption that the viewer is not already familiar with the original one-shot manga, hence the surprised reaction to Nezumi’s hairstyle reveal. This response adds some emotional interest and investment to an episode that would otherwise start out in a rather mundane fashion, and probably have the viewer thinking not much other than “Okay, here we go with yet another character introduction. I wonder what he’s going to wish for? Maybe, instead of watching, I’ll space out for the duration of the episode wondering what I would wish for.” This would be in stark contrast to the backstories of some of the other warriors, which tickled our emotions by making us feel for them to varying degrees. However, by instantly giving the audience a new, unexpected cue for a pronounced emotional response, Nezumi’s character design makes the viewers more emotionally vulnerable in preparation for the figurative roller coaster that is the twelfth episode. One of the major factors in my falling in love with Nezumi was the poignant expertise and effectiveness with which the narrative of “The One Wish That Must Be Granted, and the Ninety-Nine That Can Be Done Without” was composed to evoke very particular and measured emotional responses in the audience. We feel our pulses quicken as Nezumi frantically deliberates about which of his ninety-nine wishes would be the best one; our hearts sink when we witness Nezumi cry for the first time, begging that his one desire is to forget his experience of 139-plus horrifically violent deaths; and finally, we feel catharsis when Nezumi shows us his first smile, as though there was nothing more he ever wanted in the world.

Now, if the viewer was spacing out throughout this whole episode, none of this would have anywhere near as much of an emotional impact. Hence, as silly as it might look, the “surprise” factor behind Nezumi’s unusual hairstyle is actually critical for ensuring not only that the viewer is paying attention, but also that their emotions are activated and prepared to be fully invested in the story -- a necessity to experience full satisfaction at its deceptively meaningful conclusion.

And once you’ve recovered from that shock, maybe you’ll be like me and start to think that Nezumi’s hair actually looks kind of pretty.

That’s all I have for today on that subject! I hope you enjoyed reading this much more lighthearted analysis post. If you find this type of writing particularly interesting, feel free to take a look at some of my other anime analysis posts you may like. A few of them are linked in various places throughout this post, but here they all are in chronological order for your convenience:

 Why I Love Nezumi (and the ending to JUNI TAISEN in general)

 The Meaning of Meaninglessness in JUNI TAISEN: ZODIAC WAR and KADO: The Right Answer

Deus Ex Machina in KADO: The Right Answer, part 1

Deus Ex Machina in KADO: The Right Answer, part 2: Yaha-kui zaShunina as the Tragic Hero

*slaps roof of KADO* this bad boy can fit so much meaningful dialogue in it

JUNI TAISEN: ZODIAC WAR: Remember to Die

You can also find all of these by browsing through the “anime analysis” tag on my blog.

Additionally, my ask box is always open if you have any questions, want me to clarify something, have an idea about anything else you want me to write about, or if you just want to give me an excuse to gush about Nezumi for a little while!

[forest-of-stories]

“They Won’t Let You Remember”: Obsession Before Fandom

[This is another round of extremely personal spelunking into my own fannish past that I sometimes do on this and other platforms, including Dreamwidth, which is where I first posted it.  Content warning for digressions into Fannish Discourse, and also brains - mostly mine - conflating fiction and reality in sometimes unhealthy ways.]

Not long ago, my mom asked me on the phone if I was aware that a new Men in Black movie would be out later this year. I told her that I knew, and added, “If I see it with other humans, they might have to hear how the original was one of the root causes of my mind control feelings.” Not the root cause, I should emphasize: those feelings could have come from any number of sources, but that number is probably greater than “one.” We both knew why she had brought up this particular franchise. There is a file cabinet in my childhood bedroom that once contained many, many handwritten stories – some co-written with middle school classmates, though most of them weren’t – that featured the titular secret organization, the protectors of the Earth from the scum of the universe, as the bad guys. I wrote those in order to deal with the sharp turn that my already present Mind Control Feelings took when a silly science fiction comedy featuring giant space bugs encouraged me to root for characters who maintained the status quo by erasing memories from ordinary people – people like me – on a regular basis. Some of you might be asking, “Wait, you knew it was only a movie, right?” And my answer would be, “Yes, but…” Since time and emotional distance have both clarified and obscured my understanding of how I used to think and behave, here is the best (and probably most long-winded) way that I can answer that question for both myself and others: I was an imaginative and overwhelmingly anxious child. On the one hand, my imaginative side desperately wanted magic and aliens and Weird Stuff to be real, which I still don’t think was always a bad thing. On the other hand, during my preteen and teenage years, my anxiety (which wouldn’t be linked to a diagnosis until much later in my life) manifested as “what if?” scenarios that were at least as convincing as reality… even if they were based in speculative fiction. Even if I didn’t believe that they would happen, I spent a lot of time telling myself stories about what might happen if they did, or even just thinking, “What if this is how the world is supposed to work, even if I don’t like it or want it and you can’t make me?” So, although I knew the difference between fiction and reality by the age of twelve, knew that Men in Black was Only A Movie, my “what if?” reflex kicked in hard the more I recognized its world as being much closer enough to my own than my previous, limited encounters with memory erasure in fiction. According to the rules of that world, if the Weird Stuff were real, I wouldn’t even know, and, according to the text, shouldn’t know. “Wasn’t the next line of the theme song ‘They won’t let you remember’?” Older Sister asked, the last time we talked about it. Yes. Yes, it was. The immediacy is right there in the song’s refrain (which, by the way, is still an earworm and a half). At one point, Tommy Lee Jones’ veteran agent character insists that, while Earth is constantly under extraterrestrial threat, humans can only live our lives peacefully if we don’t know about it. (Keeping in mind that humans do a pretty solid job of threatening life on Earth ourselves, I feel like that statement is also linked to questions about the supposedly blissful ignorance of privilege, which go beyond the scope of this post, but are still worth mentioning.) Maybe I reacted so strongly to that bit of dialogue because I believed that it wasn’t true, or because I feared that it was. I’m pretty sure that it was the combination of that scene and its message, with my recurring issues around authority and self-control, and my growing self-awareness about my misbehaving brain, that set my anxious imagination spinning. I would guess that I was wondering something like, “What if the only way that I could have peace of mind was if somebody or something else edited my thoughts and memories without my knowledge or consent?” That idea scared me. It made me angry. And since I was not mature enough to have any filters or sense of other people’s boundaries, I talked – loudly and incoherently – to anybody who would listen, and quite a few people who wouldn’t, about how scared and angry it made me. A lot of the things that I said and did are now difficult for me to understand (one might almost say… alien), and I’m not sure whether they helped with my worries or just made them worse. I do know that this was neither the first nor the last work of fiction about which some of my loved ones told me to shut up because I was too obsessed, resulting in screaming fights, sneering mockery, and tears. I was also old enough, you see, to understand that I wasn’t responding to fiction in the same way that a lot of my peers were, and to, perhaps, start feeling like there was something wrong with me. Not that this was enough to shut me, in fact, up. But I did something else, too: I started to write the stories that I mentioned above. Some of my point-of-view characters were disillusioned agents, others were characters from other media that I enjoyed; the more sources I could pull from, and the more surreal I could make the mix, the happier I was. Still other POV characters were authorial avatars who started out as innocent bystanders and narrowly escaped having their memories wiped. (A few of those self-insert fantasies also involved my earliest fictional crush, who just happened to be an alien from a certain book series that I loved at the time. I quite happily imagined scenarios in which my very knowledge of his true nature was forbidden and yet our love conquered all in the end, but I never put any of those scenarios on paper. I kind of wish I had.) Some of the storylines fizzled out after a few chapters, while others ended with my protagonists riding off into the sunset with their minds, for the time being, safe. I should stress that even my writing wasn't necessarily integrated into my life in a healthy way: I scribbled during my classes (yes, I got caught at least once), I wrote scenarios that crossed the line from nonsensical into offensive (why so many “man in a dress” jokes, younger self? Why even one?), and I buttonholed friends and classmates as audiences and even collaborators despite their probably being much less interested than I was. Even though I was discovering a third option besides “shut up forever” and “shut up never,” it would take several more years, at least two more obsessions, and the discovery of online fandom (I only somewhat knew what “online” was in the late 1990s, and “fandom” was nowhere near my vocabulary) before I sorted out the appropriate time and place for each of those options. But I was on my way there, even if I didn’t know what “there” was. When I questioned and pulled apart an established narrative to turn the heroes into villains and shine a light on viewpoints that I thought the original creators had overlooked, I was writing fanfiction, whether I knew it or not. When I finally did find my way to fandom communities, it was thanks to the Harry Potter books, whose world-building also relies on what TV Tropes calls “The Masquerade.” (If you look up the page for that trope, guess whose quote is right at the top? Yeah.) Which led me to recognize it in certain versions of X-Men, and The Incredibles, and Torchwood and The Vampire Diaries and and and… The more I saw of organized efforts to conceal the existence of Weird Stuff from the Oblivious Masses, the more I understood that the audience was meant to feel like we were in on the secret, but I couldn’t stop sympathizing with the people who weren’t. I still dislike and distrust that trope to this day, even in works that I otherwise enjoy, and storylines involving memory erasure – consensual or not, narratively endorsed or not – still push both good and bad buttons, sometimes both at once. And I believe that my explorations of mind control in fiction, from the beginning until now, have partly been informed by questions like, “What if I couldn’t trust my own mind, and was asked to believe that this was for my own good and/or the good of society?” And, since it bears mentioning: I hope that nobody interprets this recollection as, “A storytelling device warped Nevanna’s understanding of reality, and therefore stories can reprogram people’s behaviors and problematic fiction should be eliminated!” First of all, I object to that kind of black-and-white thinking, as a librarian, a writer, and someone who tries to thoughtfully consume media. Secondly, it’s more accurate that the dysfunction in my own brain once warped my understanding of reality; that even then, I was still responsible for my own actions; and although I have a history of giving fictional constructs an unhealthy amount of power over my own life, I grew out of it. And even though I have mixed feelings about the debate over Problematic Fiction, and I certainly do not condone harassment and shaming – because I’ve been there and done that, on both sides – I try to maintain that it is not my place to stop people from having negative emotions about stories. Even if I don’t agree, even when their objections make me uncomfortable, I can disagree with what they’re saying or doing without invalidating what they might be feeling. And I try to be better at doing so, because I am the last person in the world to deny that stories spark powerful emotions and thoughts, that sometimes they go against the creators’ intentions. Part of becoming a responsible consumer of media and participant in fandom is learning to manage those emotions constructively and make space for other people’s feelings and needs. I used to be angry at my younger self for being unable or unwilling to do that. I’m not anymore. That said, one of the differences between preteen Nevanna and thirty-something Nevanna is that nobody has to hear me talk about mind control unless they want to. (Although I’m happy that a noticeable number of people usually seem to want to.) I never saw the original Men in Black in the movie theater. I think it took me several tries (much to Younger Sister’s frustration) to sit through it on home video, and the ghost of who I was back then, as much as if not more than the actual content, has kept me from revisiting the 1997 movie in the intervening years. If I wanted to watch it again, I think that I would want (and here I'll paraphrase a fantasy series, also about aliens, that more or less avoids the Masquerade altogether) to prepare myself emotionally. I still haven’t watched the sequels or had much interest in doing so, and I never posted any fanfiction set in that universe. It has occurred to me that I might end up writing fic for the 2019 reimagining, if I see it (it wouldn’t be the first time in the recent past that I revisited fictional worlds from my childhood in new and surprising ways). But if I do write anything – and maybe even if I don’t – I will continue to feel pity and compassion and gratitude for the twelve-year-old believer in Weird Stuff who heard, “They won’t let you remember,” and responded, “What if I did anyway?”

[atthevogue]

“Tony de Peltrie” (1985)

The basics: Wikipedia

Opened: A landmark piece of computer animation, the Canadian short was part of the 19th Annual Tournee of Animation anthology that showed at the Vogue Theater in March and April of 1986.

Also on the bill: At least one Saturday in April, it was programmed in the 9:00 slot after Chris Marker’s Akira Kurosawa documentary A.K. and Woody Allen’s Sleeper, and before a midnight showing of Night of the Living Dead, which sounds to me like a very good eight-hour day at the movies. Otherwise, you could have had a less perfect day seeing it play after Haskell Wexler’s forgotten Nicaragua war movie Latino and the equally forgotten Gene Hackman/Ann-Margaret romantic drama Twice in a Lifetime.

What did the paper say? ★★★1/2 from the Courier-Journal film critic Dudley Saunders. Saunders described the Tournee as “a specialized event that shows signs of moving into the movie mainstream,” correctly presaging the renaissance in feature-length animation in the 1990s generally and Pixar specifically, whose Luxo, Jr. short was released that same year. Of Tony, Saunders singles it out as “one of the most technologically advanced,” and that it featured “some delightful music from Marie Bastien.” He then throws his hands up: "Computers were used in this Canadian entry. Don’t ask how.” Saunders was long-time film critic for the C-J’s afternoon counterpart, the Louisville Times, throughout the 1960s, ‘70s and ‘80s. In the late 1980s, he would co-found Louisville’s free alternative weekly, the Louisville Eccentric Observer.

What was I doing? I was six and hypothetically could have seen an unrated animation festival, though I'd have been a little bit too young to have fully appreciated it. Although, who knows, I’m sure I was watching four hours of cartoons a day at the time, so maybe my taste was really catholic.

How do I see it in 2018? It’s on YouTube.

A four-hour-a-day diet of cartoons was probably on the lower end for most of my peers. I grew up during what I believe is commonly known as the Garbage Age of Animation, which you can trace roughly from The Aristocrats in 1970 to The Little Mermaid (or The Simpsons) in 1989. The quantity of animation was high, and the quality was low. Those twenty years were a wasteland for Disney, and even though I have fond memories of a lot of those movies, like The Black Cauldron, they’re a pretty bleak bunch compared to what was sitting in those legendary Disney vaults, waiting patiently to be released on home video.

Other than low-quality Disney releases, the 1980s were highlighted mostly by the post-’70s crap was being churned out of the Hanna-Barbera laboratories. Either that, or nutrition-free Saturday morning toy commercials like The Smurfs and G.I. Joe. Of course there’s also Don Bluth, whose work is kind of brilliant, but whose odd feature-length movies seem very out-of-step with the times. Don Bluth movies seem now like baroque Disney alternatives for weird, dispossessed kids who didn’t yet realize they were weird and dispossessed. (Something like The Secret of NIMH is like Jodorowsky compared to, say, 101 Dalmatians.) Most of the bright spots of those years were produced under the patronage of the saint of 1980s suburbia, Steven Spielberg. An American Tale or Tiny Toon Adventures aren’t regarded today as auteurist masterpieces of animation (or are they?), but they were really smart and imaginative if you were nine years old. Still, the idea that cartoons might be sophisticated enough to be enjoyed by non-stoned adults was probably very alien concept in 1985.

In the midst of all of this, though, scattered throughout the world were a bunch of programmers and animators working out the next regime. Within ten years of Tony de Peltrie, Pixar’s Toy Story would be the first feature-length CGI animated movie, and within another ten years, traditional hand-drawn animation, at least for blockbuster commercial purposes, would be effectively dead. That went for both kids and their parents. Animation, like comic books, would take on a new sophistication and levels of respectability in the coming decades.

I love it when you read an old newspaper review with the benefit of hindsight, and find that the critic has gotten it right in predicting how things may play out in years to come. That’s why I was excited to read in Saunders’ review of the Tournee that he suspected animation as an artform was showing “signs of moving into the movie mainstream.” His sense of confusion (or wonder, or some combination) at the computer-generated aspects is charming in retrospect, too.

Tony de Peltrie is a landmark in computer-generated animation, but its lineage doesn’t really travel through the Pixar line at all (even though John Lassetter himself served on the award panel for the film festival where it was first shown, and predicted it’d be regarded as a landmark piece of animation). The children of the 1970s and ‘80s grew up to revere the golden era of Pixar movies as adults, and the general consensus is that not only are they great technical accomplishments, but works of great emotional resonance.

As much of an outlier as it makes me: I just don’t know. I haven’t really thought so. I think most Pixar movies are really, really sappy in the most obvious way possible. The oldest ones look to me as creaky as all those rotoscoped Ralph Bakshi cartoons of the ‘70s. Which is fine, technology is one thing -- most silent movies look pretty creaky, too -- but the underlying of armature of refined Disney sap that supports the whole structure strains to the point of collapse after a time or two.

Film critic Emily Yoshida said it best on Twitter: she noted, when Incredibles 2 came out, she’d recently re-watched the first Incredibles and was shocked at how crude it looked. "The technoligization of animation will not do individual works favors over time,” she wrote. “The wet hair effect in INCREDIBLES, which I remember everyone being so excited about, felt like holding a first generation iPod. Which is how these movies have trained people to watch them on a visual level...as technology.” There’s something here that I think Yoshida is alluding to about Pixar movies that is very Silicon Valley-ish in the way they’re consumed, almost as status symbols, or as luxury products. This is true nearly across all sectors of the tech industry now, but it’s particularly evident with animation.

One of my favorite movie events of the year is when the Landmark theaters here in Minneapolis play the Oscar-nominated animated shorts at the beginning of the year. Every year, it’s the same: you’ll get a collection of fascinating experiments from all over the world, some digitally rendered, some hand-drawn. They don’t always work, and some of them are really bad, but there’s always such a breadth of styles, emotions and narratives that I’m always engaged and delighted. They remind you that, in animation, you can do anything you want. You can go anywhere, try everything, show anything a person can imagine. Seeing the animated shorts every year, more than anything else, gets me so excited about what movies can be.

And then, in the middle of the program, there’s invariably some big gooey, sentimental mush from Pixar. Not all of them are bad, and some are quite nicely done, but for the most part, it’s cute anthropomorphized animals or objects or kids placed in cute, emotionally manipulative situations. I usually go refill my Diet Coke or take a bathroom break during the Pixar sequence.

Yeah, yeah, I know. What kind of monster hates Pixar? 

I don’t hate Pixar, and I like most of the pre-Cars 2 features just fine. The best parts of Toy Story and Up and Wall-E are as good as people say they are. But when you take the reputation that Pixar has had for innovation and developing exciting new filmmaking technology in the past 25 years, and compare it to the reality, there’s an enormous gap. And it drives me nuts, because if this is supposed to be the best American animation has to offer in terms of innovation and emotional engagement, it's not very inspiring. Especially placed alongside the sorts of animated shorts that come out of independent studios elsewhere in the U.S., or Japan, or France, or Canada. 

Which brings us to Tony de Peltrie, created in Montreal by four French-Canadian animators, and supported in part by the National Film Board of Canada, who would continue to nurture and support animation projects in Canada through the twenty-first century. A huge part of the enjoyment -- and for me, there was an enormous amount of enjoyment in watching Tony de Peltrie -- is seeing this entirely new way of telling stories and conveying images appear in front of you for the first time. Maybe it’s because I have clear memories of a world without contemporary CGI, but I still find this enormous sense of wonder in what’s happening as Tony is onscreen. I still remember very clearly seeing the early landmarks of computer-aided graphics, and being almost overwhelmed with a sense of awe -- Tron, Star Trek IV, Jurassic Park. Tony feels a bit like that, even after so many superior technical accomplishments that followed.

Tony de Peltrie doesn’t have much of a plot. A washed-up French-Canadian entertainer recounts his past glories as he sits at the piano and plays, and then slowly dissolves over a few minutes into an amorphous, impressionistic void. (Part of the joke, I think, is using such cutting-edge technology to tell the story of a white leather shoe-clad artist whose work has become very unfashionable by the 1980s.) It’s really just a monologue. The content could be conveyed using a live actor, or traditional hand-drawn animation.  

But Tony looks so odd, just sitting on the edge of the Uncanny Valley, dangling those white leather shoes into the void. Part of the appeal is that, while Tony’s monologue is so human and delivered in such an off-the-cuff way, you’re appreciating the challenge of having the technology match the humanity. Tony’s chin and eyes and fingers are exaggerated, like a caricature, but there’s such a sense of warmth underneath the chilliness of the computer-rendered surfaces. Though it’s wistful and charming, you wouldn’t necessarily call it a landmark in storytelling -- again, it’s just a monologue, and not an unfamiliar one -- but it is a technological landmark in showing that the computer animation could be used to humane ends. It’d be just as easy to make Tony fly through space or kill robots or whatever else. But instead, you get an old, well-worn story that slowly eases out of the ordinary into the surreal, and happens so gradually you lose yourself in a sort of trance.

As Yoshida wrote, technoligization of animation doesn’t do individual works favors over time. To that end, something like Tony can’t be de-coupled from its impressive but outdated graphics. These landmarks tend to be more admired than watched -- to the extent that it’s remembered at all, it’s as a piece of technology, and not as a piece of craft or storytelling.

Still, Tony is the ancestor of every badly rendered straight-to-Netflix animated talking-animals feature cluttering up your queue, but he’s also the ancestor of any experiment that tries to apply computer-generated imagery to ways of storytelling. In that sense, he has as much in common with Emily in World of Tomorrow as he does with Boss Baby, a common ancestor to any computer-generated human-like figure with a story. When Tony dissolves into silver fragments at the end of the short, it’s as if those pieces flew out into the world, through the copper wires that connect the world’s animation studios and personal computers, and are now present everywhere. He’s like a ghost that haunts the present. I feel that watching it now, and I imagine audiences sitting at the Vogue in 1986 might have felt a stirring of something similar.

[ozcarpin]

An Ozpin Rant

Hey guys, so lately I’ve seen a lot of posts that subscribe to a realm of thought that Ozpin is untrustworthy/ evil/ immoral/ secretive, anything along those lines and I feel that it just doesn’t do him justice so here I am. Now, the focus of this rant is going to be around this quote:

because I feel that this quote encompasses more about Ozpin’s character than anything else.

Lets start from the beginning. 

Now, there’s a bunch of fan theories about Ozpin’s original self being the old King of Remnant and while they’re pretty cool and have their merits, I’m going to try and stick to what we know as stated in the canon, just for brevity’s sake. What we do know is, When Salem and her forces rose, and Ozpin went against her, he failed and was then cursed to a life of conscious reincarnation via parasitic relations with ‘like-minded’ souls.

 Here alone I could make the point that purely judging from the fact that from what we’ve seen Ozpin is ‘like-minded’’ to the fluffiest people on the planet (the floofiest farm boy and the fluffiest kitten of a man ever) coupled with the fact that the series ‘root of all evil’ by name swore him as her nemesis, we can probably assume that he’s not inherently evil, but that’s not good enough for me. I don’t just want to prove that he’s not evil, I want to prove that he’s both a relatable character and an incredibly good one at that. Thus we continue. 

Let’s talk about the story of the seasons, wherein we learn about how Ozpin (who has been confirmed to be the old man) was at some point left in such a state of depression that he holed himself away from the world and seemed to have just given up completely on succeeding in his task. This makes sense, I mean according to Ozpin he’s been stuck like this for thousands of years, it’d be pretty silly to think that at no point he may have lost faith in his ability to actually succeed in anything especially when he’d been going in at it alone. 

The maidens, however much of the original story was true, gave him hope. They restored his faith that all was not yet lost and there were still reasons for him to fight, to get back up and rejoin the world he felt he’d failed. They effected him so deeply, so profoundly in fact that he wanted nothing more than for them to be able to bring this hope to the entire world, to the point that he gave up a massive amount of his finite magic in order for them to be able to. 

Now, its impossible for us to know if Ozpin knew what would happen from this: maybe he’d assumed that the original maiden’s would have become immortal, maybe he knew that the power would be similar to him in nature as it had come from him,  we don’t know. What we can guess, is that he may have not been in the most reasonable state of mind at the time (having just come out from a massive depressive episode) and while his intentions were undoubtedly good, the creations of the maidens themselves was probably a mistake, though a well-meaning and understandable one.

Fast forward to the birbs.  

I’d like to preface this with the fact that I’m hoping we do get more information on what exactly went down for this to be a thing, but gauging from what we know, I don’t see where people can call Oz a bad person for it. To start off, the ability itself doesn’t seem to have any drawbacks that we’ve heard of. Raven didn’t actually have anything negative to say about it other than the fact that Ozpin did it, and seeing as she has a track record of shirking responsibilities in the favor of selfish gain (hi Yang) the simple fact that she ditched on Oz and Qrow can’t be construed as evidence for much of anything at this point. Also, according to Qrow, this was a consensual, undertaking. If anything, I’d say the biggest mistake that Oz made here was in trusting Raven to begin with when, at least from what we’ve seen, there were probably some warning signs he should have taken into consideration before essentially wasting his finite magic once again on someone that doesn’t ultimately want to help his cause (that being defeating the source of all evil). 

The Fall of Beacon. 

Hoo boy, there is a lot to unpack here. 

First of all, lets talk about team RWBY’s search and destroy mission, mainly just because I love the little interaction of it. I loved that, in the face of the old trope of the main character having information that the authority figures would like, Ruby decides to place her trust in Ozpin and tell him about the secret base because in 98% of all shows, she wouldn’t have and good on Rooster Teeth for it. I loved that, in turn, Ozpin decides to trust her and her team and allow them to go on that very mission, even knowing that it may have been the smarter choice to send higher level huntsmen, he puts his trust in their abilities. While this may or may not have been a mistake (depending on who you look at how it went/ how it might have went otherwise) the fact of the matter is that Oz put faith in his students where they had placed faith in him and I am 100% in love with that interaction and never see it mentioned. 

Next up: Ironwood. Trust was a huge theme in the Ironwood-Ozpin relationship in this volume. What it came down to was: James wanted Ozpin to trust him, and pretty much forced him to do so (via the council stuff, bringing his own little army ect.) while at the same time not placing that same amount of trust in him (as we can tell seeing as it was revealed Oz didn’t know about Penny). As we all know, this backfired majorly. James’ robotic army turned against them all, and due to Ozpin not knowing there was anything to be worried about with the Pyrrha / Penny fight it went on and we all know how that went. 

Alright, its time, we’ve finally come to the Pyrrha in the room. First off, the maiden business. While I will definitely admit that their bandage-ripping tactic of explaining the situation wasn’t the best way to go about it, I think that given the circumstances Oz’s choice of nominating Pyrrha to be the fall maiden was probably the best he could have made. Pyrrha was intelligent, incredibly strong and mature for her age, and seeing as they were under a massive time constraint with Amber’s uncertain health and the looming threat at Beacon, I think its understandable that they felt the need to impress upon her the importance of the decision at hand. I would also like to remind everyone that this was a decision for her to make, and the details of it were given to her to the full extent of their knowledge on it, including how uncomfortable it made them feel as well. They didn’t sugar-coat this, they didn’t lie, they gave her the facts: that they were all in a shitty situation and yes, she could make a difference on it. While I do agree that this would undoubtedly put pressures on Pyrrha to say yes considering it was the obvious moral answer when they hadn’t given her many options, they also didn’t have many options here. It was just an overall shitty situation and when it came down to it, Ozpin was repeatedly asking her if she was sure about this decision, Ozpin hated having to put this on her. 

There’s another part of this that I wanted to bring up though, because I never see it mentioned, ever. This is the fact that Jaune indirectly caused the deaths of Pyrrha, Ozpin and Amber. 

Yup. We’re going there. 

While Ozpin and Pyrrha were having their little moral dilemma over the soul conversion, Jaune was set the task of acting as look out and protector. Now, lets imagine what might have happened if Jaune had actually done this job. He would have spotted Cinder as she came into the vault and been able to provide a warning. Ozpin, who was shown to nearly hold his own against Cinder at full maiden status more than likely would have been able to engage on her and protect Amber. Pyrrha could have also joined this fight and the two (three if you count Jaune) of them could have more than likely beaten her sparky ass and prevented literally everything that was to follow. Instead, Jaune is too busy focusing on Pyrrha, which is understandable, but it doesn’t take away the fact that Ozpin trusted him to do a job, a simple one at that, and he not only failed him, but lead to his eventual death.  And you know what? Even with that, even while Ozpin is the only person besides Jaune who knows this, he still expressed nothing but positivity to Jaune’s presence the next time he sees him, while in Oscar. 

What I’m trying to say is, Ozpin makes mistakes. Ozpin makes a shit ton of mistakes, but they’re human mistakes. They’re well-meaning mistakes, and even while a large amount of the fandom and the characters in the show seem to think that he’s overly secretive and all that, I’d actually make the claim that the opposite is true, that he’s almost too trusting considering all that its done to him. At the end of the day, Oz is just so genuinely hopeful, so willing to believe in the best of people, and while he may make bad decisions, that doesn’t make him a bad person, it just makes him human.

[existential-periphery]

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Nintendo Switch) Review

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Nintendo Switch) Review

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 will inevitably be, and indeed has been since release, a divisive game even among people who like gaming, and even among people who like this specific genre of gaming (JRPGs). So imperfect is Xenoblade Chronicles 2 that even the most forgiving of critics cannot possibly review this game without making mention of the numerous issues that litter the game – the excesses of its overwhelmingly complicated gameplay, the poorly-designed map system (even after a recent patch has improved it), the horrifying deluge of battle dialogue, and the numerous technical issues surrounding graphical resolution and frame rate, especially in handheld mode, and all this is not even mentioning the numerous subjective issues that many gamers will no doubt have when it comes to certain design choices, such as the clearly anime-inspired art style and writing. And indeed, a quick glance at the critical consensus surrounding this game would suggest that it is a far cry from its decorated predecessor on the Wii.

And yet for me, Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is a miracle. It is a miracle that may perhaps be specific to me and my tastes, but the fact remains that it is a miracle – one that, for me, completely outdoes its predecessor in every way imaginable.

I do not have the luxury of time to write a review as long as the one I wrote for Persona 5, unfortunately, and therefore, I shall not delve too deeply into Xenoblade Chronicles 2’s gameplay. Suffice it to say that this is not a game for everybody, and there will be people who justifiably hate the gameplay. The game is massive, and I truly mean massive, in a way that can be extremely and perhaps even unnecessarily overwhelming – as a rough scale, it took me 136 hours to finish the game, and I don’t believe I’ve completed much more than half of the content that the game offers. Combat is difficult to describe, being action-based without being completely action-based, and is sure to polarise some gamers as well. Character progression too is overwhelmingly complicated, especially when considering that there are numerous Rare Blades in the game, each of which have different progression sequences and requirements. The randomised manner of obtaining Rare Blades can be frustrating, and is sure to be a point of contention for some gamers as well.

A reviewer who spends an entire paragraph describing the ways in which a game’s gameplay could potentially be hated surely can’t think too highly of the game – and yet I absolutely found Xenoblade Chronicles 2 to be a blast to play. I found combat to be adrenaline-inducing and exhilarating, I found it incredibly rewarding to obtain the huge diversity of Rare Blades available and experimenting with using different ones, I found it empowering to feel myself getting better and better at the game (despite how ridiculously and perhaps needlessly complex it can be), and, well, I willingly spent 136 hours playing this game, which should speak volumes as to how much I enjoyed the game.

There is much more that can be said about the gameplay that I’ve skimmed over in order to keep this review as short as possible. In a lot of ways, my adoration of Xenoblade Chronicles 2 stem from reasons – or the lack of reasons – that reside within my heart. If you happen to be reading this review for an objective rundown of the game and a critical look at the ways in which it succeeds or fails, this is perhaps not the best review to be reading, for this is ultimately a review that comes from my heart:

I love Xenoblade Chronicles 2.

I love how every fibre of its existence oozes with the stylistic essence of Japanese animes – from its art style, its character designs, its humour, to its storyline. I love how polished the Japanese voice acting is, and how exceedingly well the voice actors and actresses lend themselves to imbuing life into each and every character in the game (though it’s a pity that much of the field dialogue goes un-subtitled). I love the quality of its animated cutscenes and how boldly, confidently, and stylishly they can stretch on for extended periods of time, scintillating proudly the sheer intensity of its numerous moments of bloodcurdling battles or otherwise expanding upon the plot with lengthy conversations, or otherwise simply giving me a good chuckle with its many moments of lighthearted humour. Lengthy cutscenes that focus solely on exposition and narrative are becoming increasingly rare in videogames these days, which tend to be more to-the-point and punchy in order to focus on game-play, and I deeply love how Xenoblade Chronicles 2 defies this convention and is completely unashamed with its use of lengthy cutscenes to tell its story, a style of video-game storytelling reminiscent of early JRPGs. I love Japanese Role-Playing Games, and I love how quintessentially Japanese Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is.

I love how fantastically fascinating and fascinatingly fantastical the world of Alrest is, with its endless sea of clouds, and habitats that take the form of numerous different Titans, each of which has their own landscapes and climates. I love how organic the world of Alrest feels, and I love how breathtaking it can be to take in the many scenic sights of Alrest while exploring its many nooks and crannies by going off the beaten path and simply exploring. I love that this is a world of fantasy so rich with imaginativeness and unexpected revelations, and I love that there are so many secrets to be uncovered about this world, both within and outside of its main story. I love that this is a world full of beauty and yet full of underlying strife and darkness as well. And I love that all this is accompanied by an orchestral soundtrack that can only be described as divine.

Above all, I love Xenoblade Chronicles 2 because of how much I love its characters and the journey they embark on together. At so many times, Xenoblade Chronicles 2 made me broke out in hearty laughter with its unrealistic, over-the-top, and blatantly Japanese humour, which injected a strong dose of joyful lightheartedness into its plot. Yet, this lightheartedness betrays little of the numerous emotional scenes which roused tears from my eyes and wrenched my heart. With these characters and the 136-hour-long journey I embarked along their side, I experienced an adventure characterised by an entire spectrum of emotions – with them I laughed my heart out and had fun, with them I felt anger and indignant at the deeds of our adversaries, with them my heart broke and I cried along their side when all seemed to be lost, and with them I fell in love. To venture too much further into how much I love each and every character of the game would perhaps betray too much information as to the game’s intricate plot and its character development, which are decorated with numerous twists and turns and revelations that kept me compelled for the entire length of its narrative. I love that, fundamentally, Xenoblade Chronicles 2 tells a beautiful love story situated within the context of a fantasy world and plot – full of the clichés one might expect of a love story, and yet also offering so, so, so much more than that.

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is, for me, a miracle, because many of the reasons why I love it are ostensibly reasons that could have led someone else to hate or at least to dislike it. It is unabashedly anime-inspired in its tone and its aesthetics, it is an emotional, compelling and occasionally clichéd love story but it is also far more than just that, and it is as JRPG as a JRPG can be. It is therefore a miracle for me because I happen to really like anime, JRPGs, and I also have a soft spot for sappy love stories – Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is thus precisely the kind of game I’ve always wanted to play, and to be given this game near the end of one of the best gaming years ever is itself a miracle.

Up until the very end, I cannot help but notice the imperfections peeking out of the corners of this game. They mar the experience not insubstantially, and there are indeed a great many ways that this could have been a better game. At the same time, however, as the game built up to its ultimate ending scene, the tears that welled up in my eyes made it clear how endeared I had become to this game, its world, and the characters in it. In these 136 hours, I too, along with these characters, had made memories I do not ever want to forget.

Gameplay score: A Storyline score: A Characters score: A+ Aesthetics score: A- Enjoyment score: A+

Overall Xenoblade Chronicles 2 score: 95/100

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is not a game for everybody. I acknowledge that, I recognise that it is heavily flawed, and I respect that not everyone will adore this game the way I did. However, if someone out there happens to stumble upon this review, happens to have too much time and therefore to read the review of a random insignificant Internet stranger, and happens to resonate with my narrative of how much I love this game and why I love it, and thereafter happens to buy this game and happens to love it as much as I did, then I would feel as if I have done this miraculous little gem of a game a great service.

P.S. I absolutely love Pyra and Mythra.

[rbgdcy3]

Clerkenwell Design Week

Brief

“People design to take an existing situation to a preferred situation”

For this project we have been asked by Clerkenwell Design Week and Landsdown’s London to interpret and celebrate one of six locations that will be a part of the Clerkenwell Design Week 2019. It is an exciting project as there is the potential for our work to be displayed in public at the end and viewed by the public. It certainly puts the pressure on to create a considered and effective outcome.

From the introductory presentation we were given, each location does seem to have some interesting related history. The prospect of all of this is exciting. 

I think that it will be important to consider the way in which people interact with design. For this I have been looking at choice architecture, which looks at impact of presentation on decision making. For me, this seems very relevant. It could be an artwork that has people walking past it all the time, there has to be some founded reason for people to stop and look at the work. Could the artwork change the behaviour of those walking down Passing Alley? 

From research on behaviour change I have found that:

People are afforded the liberation qualities of making their own decisions while the benefits of moving away from default human irrationalities are clearly communicated. 

There are also two types of systems which humans act on – reflective and automatic.

Reflective refers to the use of logic and reason to make a decision – pausing to think.

Where as, automatic refers to the rapid intuitive process – gut instinct.

“Well design systems tell people when they are making mistakes”

I see this project as a mixture of both of these systems. It requires to engage people to a level that their instinct tells them to stop and then to pause. Whilst this research is not design related, it does provide me with an interesting perspective of the world and how to design for a public exhibition. 

This got me thinking about the potential for altering the direction and path itself. Rather than using the walls, what if vinyl on the floor guided passers-by in some way. Maybe to a false exit? 

Looking at different visual references, you can see there are a number of possibilities with how to approach this project. One element that may look cool is an AR experience. It would be a challenge as I have no experience with that at all, but I’m sure it could be done. The only thing with AR though is that it requires the audience to really, stop what they are doing, get out their phones etc.…it seems like a lot of effort. It may mean nobody can be bothered to see your work. 

What are the needs of the people?

How can working together take steps in achieving these needs?

How can the design amplify clerkenwell?

 Each of the locations for Clerkenwell Design Week all have different experiential qualities. Out the locations, I have been allocated with Passing Alley or Pissing Alley as it is otherwise known. 

The alley is a means of getting between St. John’s Lane and St. John’s Street. It is relatively dark alleyway which may present a few considerations down the line. 

Through research, I found that originally, Passing Alley was a continuation of what is now Briset Street. Over the years the alley has moved location. From research I have learnt that it has a richer history then one might expect. From 1917 to 1919, constant Zeppelin raids destroy much of the buildings in and around Passing Alley. It also marks the beginning to the parish of Saint James, Clerkenwell. 

At one end of the tavern where prisoners on their way from Clerkenwell to Newgate were allowed to pause for refreshment. 

Favoured place for urination. 

– Inducing the urge to urinate

–Preventing the urge to urinate

–Show where to go

–History

–Training the bladder

–Distraction as a method of suppress the urgency

–Research found that orange is a distracting colour. 

My research for the project have been split into researching about the history of Passing Alley and methods of design.  Designing for change?  Comedic impact? Informative? Retelling history? Interact? 

The final outcome must be engaging, giving people a reason to stop and learn about the alley. Typography must be clear and legible. When people walk past, they must be able to understand the project. Having never printed on to vinyl before, I am concerned that when if it were to be wrapped on the wall there would be a lot of strange mapping. 

What is the most important historical aspect?

The typography must be a clear reference to Passing Alley

Gestalt theory of continuation

Eye is drawn along a path 

Used to point towards another element. 

The fabric of the local area

What is the fabric of clerkenwell?

Engaged toilet reference – later gave this idea to Maxim

Urination as ritual

What is the fabric of Clerkenwell 

It used to be commonly believed that it was legal to urinate on the rear wheel of your car if you had you’ve 

Should it have a nosteligiac perception?

Should it be a ‘vocal map’ of local residents?

IDEA recreate wet floor sign

Real engagement - talking to people

It will be difficult to introduce tactile aesthetics or installation art due to the budget limitations. 

Michael Barrett last public hanging 1868

Went in alive, out dead.

A good idea came out of the last tutorial…

Last call, 15 minutes before close.

Looking at the idea of calling it Last Orders, related to the prisoner story still…as it is in the parish of Saint James, perhaps doing something with a church bell? A peel of bells? Not the best…the metal of a bell could inform the colour? A ceremonial AR bell with sound ringing through the alley?  Maybe it could relate to executions or is that a bit too dark?

Annoyed that I didn’t manage create an outcome for Joe’s project for today. I’ve not really managed my time that well this week. I reckon it would have been more than possible to create a strong outcome, but have been focusing on CDW entirely. Having said that, CDW isn’t looking too bad really. I’ve scrapped all the ‘dated’ pattern designs that I spent Way too much time on and have focused on a three symbol series which represents each part of the story. I think I have also cracked the idea of ‘Last Orders’. This week I couldn’t get my head round this idea of a bell, but now instead using Beer Mats as a potential additional touchpoint to engage viewers. I still need to do a budget, so depending on how much they will costs, I will add them in as an extra touchpoint for the project. 

Last push on CDW now. I worked hard over the weekend to get the presentation looking as good as it can be. Just trying to get the wording all good. Writing quality copy is definitely not as easy as it seems. Might do some research and see if there are any tutorials about this. It makes a massive difference having a well written presentation I’ve found. I guess it comes more naturally over time, but definitely need to develop more confidence in copy writing. Received good feedback, people seem to enjoy the addition of beer mats. Everything seems to be well within budget, even with the beer mats, so hopefully the judges will choose the beer mats, almost more interested to see how those are printed than the vinyl in some ways. 

It is lunch time, at 2pm, after a very useful D&AD session. It seems that out of my two ideas, the consensus was leaning towards ‘Type Fermentation’. In a way I think this could produce a more interesting outcome, however as a community I am worried it isn’t as defined as Monotype may favour. With the old Druid symbolic language of Ogham however, there is a much clearly community of Druids. Nonetheless, ‘Type Fermentation’ is more interesting to me and I think it could lead to something that Monotype won’t have seen before. I have just emailed Johnny, so hopefully he will respond quickly so that I have time to progress from his answers before Thursday. This afternoon is looking to be a bit crazy. Just about to make final adjustments to my CDW presentation to send off and then off to The Victoria Dalston before 6PM to set up ‘LIMBO’. 

LIMBO’ was a great success last night, another ~£500 raised. Not much to comment on today, other than I have found a few spelling errors in my CDW presentation. Can’t be having mistakes in a presentation for a client. It is easy to forget this also as it is set through Chelsea, but it is a live brief. No mistakes. Attention to detail is everything and being hungover from last night is no excuse. Overall, happy with the presentation now, let’s see what the judges make of it tomorrow morning. 

Presentations for CDW at Fora Space in Old Street took place this morning. The arrangements for the morning weren’t particularly clear, but it all managed to go smoothly and I am very happy with how it went. Having one person present was a sensible route, although it did mean everyone else merely stood awkwardly in the corner. It is difficult to say whether the judges gravitated towards my design, there was a lot of good research behind the other projects. In reflection, I think the colours aren’t as sophisticated as I thought. The ‘Klein’ blue of the ‘Pub’ symbol was a ‘trend’ which has thankfully died off and I wish I had provided maybe some more colour options to the judges (?). I am confident though in the research I did to celebrate the alley, but let us see what happens. It is now much later in the day and the anticipation is palpable.

As far as InDesign goes, I would say I am confident with my ability. However, the advanced InDesign workshop this morning was incredibly useful. Learning new tips and tricks which will certainly advance the way in which I use InDesign in the future. The much anticipated results of Clerkenwell Design Week were announced shortly after. And, to my astonishment, I won! Whilst much of this project was research, it seemed to have paid off. As they were asking for an outcome which was directly informed by Passing Alley’s history, it was important to understand it with confidence. Whilst there is still more that could be done to make it a more ‘finished’ project, it does convey the essence of the story in a bold graphical forms. For my instagram account, I did change the colours, and I want to see if these work better. One benefit of the symbols is that they are adaptable, so perhaps a few different swatches may have added to the presentation. Who knows? I am very happy and grateful with the result, and I am looking forward to seeing it – not as a mockup – in May. Enough about me. The show sprint in the afternoon was (relatively) productive, with some interesting ideas being discussed. Whilst I was keen to have more clarity with a name by the end, it seems that we are heading in a positive direction, with next to no objections. Afterwards, I did think that – based on what was said – ‘Ceremony’ would be a good name. Based on the communal participation of Stone Circles as a means of ceremony and ritual. It also links nicely with the degree show as a ceremony of our work, I think. Before next Friday, I plan to produce a treatment of this idea to present to the rest of the branding group. It has been a busy, but positive week, with an extra bonus of (co-)winning Location 3 for CDW.

Good news! My work has been chosen for the Design week. Very excited about this. I did think that Maxim presented everyones work very well and I thought other people had very strong outcomes for Passing Alley, especially since it was one with less historical information then some others. Still, can’t believe it…still a while until it will be up though. In reflection I think my presentation could have looked a bit better but, oh well! They also decided to go without the beer mats, which I think was a shame…it would have been very cool to have a set of beer mats that related to the artwork. Perhaps they thought that for the effort of making and promoting them, it wasn’t worth it. The design of them actually was perhaps a bit rushed, while they were a good asset to present…design wise they were not as strong as the main vinyl. It has been a good project, although it has been mentioned that we will be continuing the project until the Design Week in mid/late May. This does concern me a little…and to what extent will we be involved? Obviously as it is a live brief it requires our input, but with D&AD next it does feel a little overwhelming that this dialogue will continue…what if they have changes to do? I’m sure it will be fine.

An update of Clerkenwell recently was that I was asked to submit my work as a “feature” (they called it) for ICON magazine. I can’t believe it! Originally they did say it would get some press but I never thought it would mean this…hopefully this goes ahead. 

There have been some updates regarding Clerkenwell recently. Having been in contact with them it doesn’t seem like a colour test will be done in time for it being put up. It is a bit of a shame as I was hoping to see how the colours came out before it went for print. I guess now we will have to wait and see what the outcome looks like. In regards to ICON magazine, the Clerkenwell work is now in the June issue. I just hope this is still happening…lets wait and see.

Only a few days to go until they put up the vinyl…very excited about seeing it in Passing Alley. 

So here it is, after a few months of waiting, my Clerkenwell Design Week Vinyl is up in Pissing Alley.  Seeing it in person was a great feeling and it looks so much better than my original mockup. The only bad thing is that for some reason, the grey on the Prison section has come out a very blue-grey. Not too sure how this happened, but unfortunately they weren’t able to do / send me a colour test prior to it being put up. At least the other two colours have come out well and the text size is good in my opinion. 

[kinkykinard]

Eleven Questions Tag Game

Rules

1. Always post these rules

2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you

3. Write 11 questions of your own

4. Tag 11 people

Tagged by @mccoymostly

Anna’s Eleven Questions

1. What’s your absolute favorite scene from any film?

In Legally Blonde, when Elle wins Brooke’s case.  I love this scene because it shows everyone that the so-called underdog no one expected to succeed can do whatever she dreams of doing and with an amazing kind of dignity and integrity (by not exposing Brooke’s liposuction alibi).  Growing up, I wanted to be Elle Woods.  She was made fun of, but she didn’t let it get her down.  When obstacles cropped up, she overcame them.  When someone told her she couldn’t, well, she just fucking went and did.  She inspired me a lot growing up.

2. What’s the most terrible book you’ve ever read?

I guess it’s time to admit that I read Fifty Shades...

I read it so that when people fired the “oh but you haven’t read it” argument at me when I tried to tell them how badly written, badly conceived, and wrong it was I could fire back with “oh, but I have” and dear God.  It was so bad it took me about six months to read, a page at a time, and I wanted to set fire to it the whole time.

I was right, though - it’s badly written, it’s poorly conceived, and all kinds of wrong.  It’s sexual exploitation, manipulation, and abuse, and you’ll never convince me otherwise.  As someone knows how healthy, respectful, loving, mutually consensual BDSM should work, I can now honestly say that Fifty Shades is about as good at portraying BDSM as I would be at portraying a semi truck by sticking paper plates made to look like wheels onto my knees and elbows.

3. Star Trek NoTP, and why?

AOS Spones or McSpirk.  I just do not feel the chemistry between Spock and Bones AT ALL in AOS, though I think this is largely because Zachary Quinto’s Spock just isn’t right.  I’m a TOS Spock girl all the way.

4. The four most badass humans to ever walk the earth? If you’re feeling it, I’d love to hear your justification. ;)

Oh man, I have to pick only 4?!

Alexander Fleming - he invented penicillin, the world’s first antibiotic. Without it and other beta-lactams (and next-gen antibiotics that followed), most of us wouldn’t be here - someone in our family line would likely have died of some terrible infection, ending us long before we even began.  Penicillins have helped save millions, if not billions, of lives over the years.

Lise Meitner - a female nuclear physicist who was instrumental in the discovery and theorization of nuclear fission.  She was only allowed to work as a scientist as long as she kept out of the way of the “real scientists” of her time (men), and was not credited with her part in the discovery until a long time after it was presented and widely accepted.  She was a champion for women in STEM.

Adam Foss - no one’s heard of him, I’m sure, but he’s a prosecutor in the US criminal justice system.  He works with youth, doing his best to reduce or eliminate their sentences so that they have a second chance at a life outside of the system.  His goal is to help foster a more caring, compassionate, and fair CJS, especially where PoC are concerned.  He recognizes the power dynamic of white people in power versus PoC in the system and wants to shift it more in favor of PoC.

Anna Julia Cooper - The fourth Black woman in US history to receive a PhD.  She was an educator, a scholar, an author, a sociologist, and a Black Liberation activist.  She was born into slavery and broke out of the system, going on to become hugely successful and to make a difference in the lives of many members of her community.  She revolutionized the way sociologists viewed Black rights at the time and was instrumental in the forward movement of the Black Liberation party.

5. The fictional character you identify most with, and why?

Hermione Granger.  She was picked on a lot for being bookish and a goody two shoes, even by her own friends sometimes, and that’s my childhood in a nutshell.  She overcame a lot of obstacles and stood up for the things that mattered to her, all of which I aspire to do every day of my life.  She’s also rocking the craziest curls, and I also have that problem, only instead of Sleekeazy’s hair potion, I have a flat iron.

6. If you could hang out with one person for a day, living or dead, who would you pick, and why?

Chris Hadfield.  I met him once, briefly, and in those two minutes he inspired me more than anyone else has ever done to reach for my dreams.  He seemed really down to Earth, and I’d just love to hear of all of his adventures on the ISS first hand over coffee.

7. What character, from any source, do you think gives the best kisses, and why?

Bones.  The man is a sensualist, and he feeds off of his partner’s responses.  He knows how to read a body and he adapts to his partner’s reactions until they reach the perfect equilibrium.

8. Who is your favorite artist (any medium; this can be interpreted broadly), and why? 

Leonard Cohen, may he rest in peace.  He was an incredible poet with a golden voice, and growing up on his music and anthologies gave me the deep appreciation of the English language and literature that I have today.  So many of his works resonate with me.  Getting to see him live in concert a few years before his death was the most incredible experience of my life.

9. What’s your favorite theoretical crossover? In other words, what characters, from different fandoms, would you like to see interact, or who would you like to see thrown into a different universe? I hope this question makes sense, guys.

I’d like to see a Star Trek and Torchwood crossover.  I think Bones and Owen would either be BFFs for life, or hate the living shit out of each other.

10. Who is your favorite iconic scientist, and which of their contributions do you find most significant?

I’m a sucker for Charles Darwin, without whose foundation on natural selection and evolution we still might not understand how species change, diverge, evolve, and prosper.  The entirety of biology might not have advanced without his contributions to the discipline.

11. If you could remake any movie, in any way you want, what movie would you pick, and what would you change? 

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  I would make it NOT ALIENS because what kind of X-Files bullshit is this?  Just no.

Bonus, because Anna lives to break rules

If you could make any contribution to any field (cure any illness, make any discovery, invent any technology, write any book or create any art, be remembered for anything), what would it be, and why?

I would perfect oncolytic viral therapy so that cancer was a lot less of a problem and so those affected wouldn’t have to suffer the horrific side effects of chemo or radiation and disfigurement of major surgery for a mere chance at a cure.  It would be effective and targeted with minimal side effects and survival rates would go through the roof.

Jules’ 11 Questions

If you had the power to eliminate any one single form of discrimination (such as racism, sexism, etc), which would it be and why?

If you could live in any one make-believe land or universe, which would it be and why?

If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?

Which of your teachers (in any level of education) had the greatest impact on you - how and why?

If your closest loved one came down with some awful, painful, incurable illness and you could save them in one of two ways, which of these would you pick and why: 1) you can cure them instantly, but the second you do they forget you ever existed and you must live your lives apart, or 2) you can cure them instantly, but you die in their place and they have to live forever without you.

What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done to impress someone?

How good are you at facing your fears?

What characteristic do you value the most in friends and why?

If you could wake up tomorrow and suddenly be the world’s best at something, what would it be and why?

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever gotten and how?

Name one random fact that you know that people are always surprised to learn when you tell them.

Tagging - @trekken81 @kilismaiden @dolamrothianlady @littlecarowrites @musingsongbird @storiesfromstarfleet @imamotherfuckingstar-lord @starshiphufflebadger @fandomheadrush @youre-on-a-starship @imaginestartrek @medicatemedrmccoy @imoutofmyvulcanmind @enterprisewriting and anyone else who wants to take part!

[brentrogers]

Domestic Violence During Lockdown: How to Cope and Stay Safe

For victims of domestic violence, the pandemic has made day-to-day life incredibly difficult. Prior to social distancing, shelter-in-place orders, and business closures, victims could at least get a break from their abusers by going to work, taking a walk, or running errands. They could safely use a library’s computer to learn about domestic violence resources and seek support.

According to Carol A. Lambert, LICSW, a psychotherapist and intimate partner abuse expert, these mandates “play into an abuser’s playbook of entrapment.”

It’s harder than ever to find a bit of freedom and privacy, said Tasseli McKay, a social science researcher who examines intimate partner violence in marginalized communities at the nonprofit research institute RTI International.

Victims are cut off from their support systems, said Christine E. Murray, Ph.D., LCMHC, LMFT, director of the Center for Youth, Family, and Community Partnerships at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.

If they’ve been laid off or their income reduced, victims might become “more financially dependent on their abuser, which may add to their fears about leaving their abuser or otherwise taking steps toward safety,” Murray said.

Abusers also might use the coronavirus to further manipulate and control their partners, said Allison Crowe, Ph.D, LPC, NCC, ACS, an associate professor and program coordinator for the Counselor Education Program at East Carolina University. For example, they might withhold access to supplies like hand sanitizer, not allow a victim to schedule a doctor’s appointment, or hide their insurance cards, she said.

Another concern is that the pandemic has led some prisons to release inmates early. McKay’s research has found that a partner’s return from prison can be a particularly dangerous time for abuse survivors.

Moreover, all experts agreed that pandemic-related stressors, such as unemployment, financial concerns, school closures, and other lifestyle changes can heighten abusive behavior.

While the pandemic has exacerbated the situation for victims of domestic violence, there are still many helpful things you can do to cope and stay safe.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Lambert noted that the Hotline provides referrals to local helplines, resources, and support groups for women, men, LGBTQ, and all cultures. It’s staffed with trained expert advocates who are available 24/7 and speak over 200 languages. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or use their online chat.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists these additional resources:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is 24/7, confidential, and free: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) and through chat.

The StrongHearts Native Helpline for domestic/sexual violence is available 7 a.m.-10 p.m. CT, confidential, and specifically for Native communities: 1−844-762-8483.

The Trans LifeLine for peer support for trans folks 9 a.m.-3 a.m. CT: 1-877-565-8860. This hotline is staffed exclusively by trans operators is the only crisis line with a policy against non-consensual active rescue.

The Deaf Hotline is available 24/7 through video phone (1-855-812-1001), email, and chat for Deaf, DeafBlind, DeafDisabled survivors.

All of these websites have emergency exit buttons if you need to exit quickly.

Develop a safety plan. All the experts stressed that creating a safety plan is critical. “A well-crafted safety plan can help identify strategies for decreasing safety risks and planning ahead to respond to unsafe situations,” said Murray.

For example, she said, your plan might include a code word for your loved one to contact the police in an emergency. You can also develop a code word with your kids to leave and get help, Crowe said.

For people who’ve left their abusers, a safety plan can include changing the locks, saving a certified copy of a restraining order, and asking neighbors you trust to look for any suspicious activity, she said.

You can learn more about writing up a safety plan at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.

Check out safety planning apps. McKay noted that there are many apps on the market that are specifically designed for domestic violence victims. DomesticShelters.org, an online directory of domestic violence programs and shelters in America and Canada, lists the pros and cons of three such apps in this post (from 2016). This post from the National Network to End Domestic Violence includes tips for finding the right app for you, along with links to reviews.

Don’t blame yourself. “Abusive partners rarely take responsibility for their abuse and blame their partner for ‘causing’ them to be abusive,” said Lambert, author of the book Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner.

Over time, you start to believe that it is your fault. Lambert stressed the importance of recognizing that we can’t cause someone to be abusive or to cause them not to abuse. To get back some control, she said, make the internal shift to hold your partner responsible.

Use empowering self-talk. According to Crowe, instead of telling yourself something like: “I can barely get through the day,” you might say, “I’m doing the best I can,” or “I am taking it one day at a time.” Instead of saying, “Social distancing is impossible,” she suggested telling yourself, “Social distancing is difficult, but necessary.

In other words, try to reframe your thoughts so they’re helpful, effective, and supportive.

Offset cruel comments. You might internalize the awful things your partner says to you regularly—like believing you’re stupid. Instead, Lambert encouraged readers to tell themselves “Just because [they] call me stupid, doesn’t mean I am stupid.” This helps to “keep a protective shield between you and the other person.”

Similarly, she noted that abusers typically attack their partner’s strengths because they threaten their power. Instead, aim to “embrace your strengths.”

Take care of yourself. This can include practicing yoga, meditating, praying, and eating nutrient-rich foods, Crowe said. Lambert suggested doing a simple breathing exercise throughout the day: “Start by inhaling through your nose, pause, and then slowly exhale through your mouth—do four or five times.”

According to Murray, “It’s a good idea to develop a wide range of coping strategies so that you can have different coping tools to help in different situations.”

Stay connected. If your partner is monitoring or limiting your technology use, take a walk and bring your phone with you to call loved ones (or look up resources), Lambert said. If you think your partner will check your history, “be sure to delete your calls and internet activity.”

Crowe suggested buying a pay-as-you-go phone, which can’t be tracked (and you can hide when you’re not using). Also, consider opening a new email account for any kind of safety planning or support, she added.

If you’re a survivor of domestic violence, the pandemic and its related social isolation can re-trigger your trauma, Murray said.  Which is why it’s important to practice healthy coping and self-care strategies. See the Triumph Campaign, co-founded by Murray and Crowe, offers a variety of supportive resources for survivors of past abuse. You can also join their Facebook community at this link.

If you’re the loved one of a victim who might be in danger, McKay suggested asking yes-or-no questions, such as: “Can you talk openly about this from where you are right now? Do you want me to help you come up with some options? Is text a safe way of sharing some information?” She also underscored being careful about texting or emailing resources unless the person has said it’s safe.

The pandemic has created unique challenges for victims of domestic violence. But help is absolutely available. Contact any of the above resources, and if you’re in immediate danger, please call 9-1-1.

Domestic Violence During Lockdown: How to Cope and Stay Safe syndicated from

[erraticfairy]

Domestic Violence During Lockdown: How to Cope and Stay Safe

For victims of domestic violence, the pandemic has made day-to-day life incredibly difficult. Prior to social distancing, shelter-in-place orders, and business closures, victims could at least get a break from their abusers by going to work, taking a walk, or running errands. They could safely use a library’s computer to learn about domestic violence resources and seek support.

According to Carol A. Lambert, LICSW, a psychotherapist and intimate partner abuse expert, these mandates “play into an abuser’s playbook of entrapment.”

It’s harder than ever to find a bit of freedom and privacy, said Tasseli McKay, a social science researcher who examines intimate partner violence in marginalized communities at the nonprofit research institute RTI International.

Victims are cut off from their support systems, said Christine E. Murray, Ph.D., LCMHC, LMFT, director of the Center for Youth, Family, and Community Partnerships at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.

If they’ve been laid off or their income reduced, victims might become “more financially dependent on their abuser, which may add to their fears about leaving their abuser or otherwise taking steps toward safety,” Murray said.

Abusers also might use the coronavirus to further manipulate and control their partners, said Allison Crowe, Ph.D, LPC, NCC, ACS, an associate professor and program coordinator for the Counselor Education Program at East Carolina University. For example, they might withhold access to supplies like hand sanitizer, not allow a victim to schedule a doctor’s appointment, or hide their insurance cards, she said.

Another concern is that the pandemic has led some prisons to release inmates early. McKay’s research has found that a partner’s return from prison can be a particularly dangerous time for abuse survivors.

Moreover, all experts agreed that pandemic-related stressors, such as unemployment, financial concerns, school closures, and other lifestyle changes can heighten abusive behavior.

While the pandemic has exacerbated the situation for victims of domestic violence, there are still many helpful things you can do to cope and stay safe.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Lambert noted that the Hotline provides referrals to local helplines, resources, and support groups for women, men, LGBTQ, and all cultures. It’s staffed with trained expert advocates who are available 24/7 and speak over 200 languages. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or use their online chat.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists these additional resources:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is 24/7, confidential, and free: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) and through chat.

The StrongHearts Native Helpline for domestic/sexual violence is available 7 a.m.-10 p.m. CT, confidential, and specifically for Native communities: 1−844-762-8483.

The Trans LifeLine for peer support for trans folks 9 a.m.-3 a.m. CT: 1-877-565-8860. This hotline is staffed exclusively by trans operators is the only crisis line with a policy against non-consensual active rescue.

The Deaf Hotline is available 24/7 through video phone (1-855-812-1001), email, and chat for Deaf, DeafBlind, DeafDisabled survivors.

All of these websites have emergency exit buttons if you need to exit quickly.

Develop a safety plan. All the experts stressed that creating a safety plan is critical. “A well-crafted safety plan can help identify strategies for decreasing safety risks and planning ahead to respond to unsafe situations,” said Murray.

For example, she said, your plan might include a code word for your loved one to contact the police in an emergency. You can also develop a code word with your kids to leave and get help, Crowe said.

For people who’ve left their abusers, a safety plan can include changing the locks, saving a certified copy of a restraining order, and asking neighbors you trust to look for any suspicious activity, she said.

You can learn more about writing up a safety plan at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.

Check out safety planning apps. McKay noted that there are many apps on the market that are specifically designed for domestic violence victims. DomesticShelters.org, an online directory of domestic violence programs and shelters in America and Canada, lists the pros and cons of three such apps in this post (from 2016). This post from the National Network to End Domestic Violence includes tips for finding the right app for you, along with links to reviews.

Don’t blame yourself. “Abusive partners rarely take responsibility for their abuse and blame their partner for ‘causing’ them to be abusive,” said Lambert, author of the book Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner.

Over time, you start to believe that it is your fault. Lambert stressed the importance of recognizing that we can’t cause someone to be abusive or to cause them not to abuse. To get back some control, she said, make the internal shift to hold your partner responsible.

Use empowering self-talk. According to Crowe, instead of telling yourself something like: “I can barely get through the day,” you might say, “I’m doing the best I can,” or “I am taking it one day at a time.” Instead of saying, “Social distancing is impossible,” she suggested telling yourself, “Social distancing is difficult, but necessary.

In other words, try to reframe your thoughts so they’re helpful, effective, and supportive.

Offset cruel comments. You might internalize the awful things your partner says to you regularly—like believing you’re stupid. Instead, Lambert encouraged readers to tell themselves “Just because [they] call me stupid, doesn’t mean I am stupid.” This helps to “keep a protective shield between you and the other person.”

Similarly, she noted that abusers typically attack their partner’s strengths because they threaten their power. Instead, aim to “embrace your strengths.”

Take care of yourself. This can include practicing yoga, meditating, praying, and eating nutrient-rich foods, Crowe said. Lambert suggested doing a simple breathing exercise throughout the day: “Start by inhaling through your nose, pause, and then slowly exhale through your mouth—do four or five times.”

According to Murray, “It’s a good idea to develop a wide range of coping strategies so that you can have different coping tools to help in different situations.”

Stay connected. If your partner is monitoring or limiting your technology use, take a walk and bring your phone with you to call loved ones (or look up resources), Lambert said. If you think your partner will check your history, “be sure to delete your calls and internet activity.”

Crowe suggested buying a pay-as-you-go phone, which can’t be tracked (and you can hide when you’re not using). Also, consider opening a new email account for any kind of safety planning or support, she added.

If you’re a survivor of domestic violence, the pandemic and its related social isolation can re-trigger your trauma, Murray said.  Which is why it’s important to practice healthy coping and self-care strategies. See the Triumph Campaign, co-founded by Murray and Crowe, offers a variety of supportive resources for survivors of past abuse. You can also join their Facebook community at this link.

If you’re the loved one of a victim who might be in danger, McKay suggested asking yes-or-no questions, such as: “Can you talk openly about this from where you are right now? Do you want me to help you come up with some options? Is text a safe way of sharing some information?” She also underscored being careful about texting or emailing resources unless the person has said it’s safe.

The pandemic has created unique challenges for victims of domestic violence. But help is absolutely available. Contact any of the above resources, and if you’re in immediate danger, please call 9-1-1.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/3bl1s9P via theshiningmind.com