#it might be the lack of sleep
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Me trying to write fanfiction at 4 am
Kilgharrah: “Welcome, young warlock, to the birthplace of our kin.”
Me: Stops. Put on Jurassic Park's theme.
#bbc merlin#merthur#kilgharrah#AS I SHOULD#i might be losing it#it might be the lack of sleep#it might not
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he's so good for him!!
"tommy's good people,he's good for you"
#bucktommy#i just.... I can't...#I'm so emotional about them today#it might be the lack of sleep#which is also bucktommy's fault
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seeing lewis with kenzo is making me choked up a little because god. that is his direct legacy, what he wanted to see on the grid and what he was working for since 2020...a kid just like himself looking up to him and seeing that yes, it is possible to achieve all your dreams.
#this might also be my lack of sleep brain talking but i cant even imagine how lewis feels like#someone like him!!! on the grid!! who won a karting championship!!!#lewis hamilton#f1#kenzo craigie
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Had a long night and made a vent piece to help me through it. I’m doing better now, but I figured it might be good to post— hopefully it can help someone feel less alone.
I call this thing ���The Gravedigger.”
#something something ‘I want to bury this trauma like a seed and have something beautiful sprout from the ugliness.’#I’ll say again that I’m doing better— a bit fragile emotionally maybe; but that’s mostly from a lack of sleep.#I might reblog another ask game for some distractions soon enough. we’ll see!#vent#vent art#vent post#ptsd#ptsd recovery#ptsd vent#stuff by sofie
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so, does anyone else feel sick about the fact that, in the books, Rimmer spends as much of his free time as possible in stasis (he literally spends a year's worth of time in stasis, over the course of five years), and that, officially, stasis booths are only ever used for penal reasons? does anyone else feel sick about the implications that Rimmer has been voluntarily punishing himself for five years straight?
#is this anything? idk it's been on my mind for ages now#red dwarf#arnold rimmer#of course. rimmer going into stasis all the time also makes me sick because#the ONLY thing that matters to him is passing his exams and becoming an officer. it's the only thing that brings him joy rn#and he'll happily rationalise his lack of friendships with 'I'm spending my free time wisely by making sure I don't age' ect#no wonder his room is so well tidied and devoid of belongings he's literally never there except to sleep or 'study'#sorry if I don't make a text post about rimmer at least 3 times a week I think I might explode actually
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Can Dream keep his status as the undisputed king of Parkour Warrior?
As promised, with Dream's newfound vigor for beating the Parkour Warrior record, an updated analysis of his best possible time given the splits shown on his most recent (11/3/23) stream!
With new course run optimizations courtesy of fruitberries and SandwichLord, Dream has improved on his previous time massively, cutting his optimized best time down nearly 30 seconds from the last time I did this. In fact, though he posited it may be possible to get a 4:20.00 last year, he's absolutely blown that prediction (and the optimized time in my previous analysis) out of the water this fall. If he manages to match this optimized time, he'll be cutting down another 22.49 seconds from his current time, which is not only an insane merit on his own, but also more than 4 seconds under the time that SandwichLord has put forward as the world record.
More details under the cut!
For those curious, this is the side-by-side, as well as the differences from the last analysis I did (from his May 29, 2022 stream) to this most recent one!
As we can see, he's improved, even if slightly, on every single level of the course. Additionally, it's an interesting trend to see that he's made the most progress/cuts on the latter half of the course, most dramatically level 5-3, The Wall Clinger, where he cut on ladder climbing time, as well as level 8-2, The Chain Pipes.
Also of note are the improvements in time on 5-1 (The Fish Bones) and 6-3 (The Bending Barrys), both sections where Dream has identified massive time sinks in the past!
As a note: the change in "One-Run Bests" just means the difference between his previous long-standing best time and the record he just set this evening.
And for those who are really interested in the raw data, here is a screenshot of the raw data taken straight from his stream and processed minimally :)
#might post this on the reddit when I'm not literally dead on my feet from lack of sleep KJDHFLSDKJHG#but !! hope this is interesting :D#ok I eep. gn#lyss analyzes#lyss.dream
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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Okay, so, after this post by @tartrazeen about a dream in which RK900's name was “Guy Chefrad” I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I made this
#dbh#dbh rk900#It might be the lack of sleep but I was laughing out loud making this#dbh guy chefrad
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What if I made Vincent and Porter kiss? Huh? What then?
#redacted asmr#redacted audio#...i need to go to bed im starting to feel loopy from lack of sleep#...i might draw this though for fun#like a little what if porter and vincent had a fling before they hated each other#...my apologies in advance
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cough hack wheeze who wants a teeny tiny fantasy au snippet with uhhhh laughingstock Tension. it's like... half a scene! unedited & out of context As Is Tradition
~
“Nothin’ much. I think I’ll poke around nearby towns, shake down some travelers - see what falls into my paws.”
“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Barn,” Howdy says. He sweeps aggressively, spreading dirt more than gathering it into the usual neat piles. “Who knows if those ne'er-do-wells are still roaming around the woods - if you and Ed couldn’t take them, what makes you think you could alone? Or- or! What if you stumble across those cultists? I hate to think of you stuck in an ambush with no help coming, knowing fully well that-”
A large paw slips the broom out of his grip and sets it to the side, and Howdy stammers to a stop as Barnaby crowds him against the bar with a soft, “Howdy.”
Howdy swallows hard, bracketed on each side by strong blue arms. The look Barnaby fixes him with dries up his well of words and bristles his fuzz. Howdy’s heart hammers against his ribs. He can feel Barnaby’s body heat, and it’s lighting his blood on fire.
“I’m not gonna be reckless, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Barnaby says. He barely needs to speak louder than a whisper for Howdy to hear him loud and clear. He smells like sweet smoke. “The other day was a one time deal, cross my heart. But, if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll take someone with me. I’m sure Jules is itchin’ to get outta town.”
“What would really make me feel better is if you stay,” Howdy blurts, just barely reining in the with me. He tenses, knowing that he’s toeing a dangerous line. One wrong word, and he’ll make the unspoken spoken - but the stress drains out of him as Barn’s eyes go soft. Perhaps that wouldn’t be so bad. Of course there’s no reason to worry, not about this, not with him. There never has been.
“You know I can’t do that,” Barnaby murmurs. “Not yet.”
Howdy doesn’t need to say that he knows. Not for the first time and with any luck, not for the last, it clicks in his mind that they’re on the same page - he doesn’t need to be a telepath to understand the thoughts behind Barnaby’s dark eyes.
Barnaby says it anyway. “I gotta get him back. I can’t… there’s no room for anythin’ else right now.”
Howdy sighs through his nose and slumps against the counter digging into the small of his back. He nods and adjusts the lapels of Barnaby’s vest. His fingers ghost over soft blue, and Barnaby doesn’t flinch at the contact. If anything, he leans the barest millimeter into it. His gaze burns into Howdy’s, even if they aren’t meeting at the moment, but it isn’t a bad feeling. Quite the opposite, actually.
“Well,” Howdy says in a low voice, “if you find a good lead, send for the rest of us. I’ll be there as fast as my four legs can scamper.”
Barnaby smirks. “Even if you need to take a boat?”
“Even so, Barn.”
The smirk slides into something that isn’t a frown, but isn’t a smile. It’s too soft for a grimace, but too intense for simple recognition. Barnaby seems to sway forward, and Howdy is sorely tempted to meet him halfway.
But Barnaby’s claw taps the counter, and he pulls away before anyone’s mind can be made up. Howdy’s hands slip from his lapels, brushing against fur as they fall and knuckles skimming over the smooth, fresh scar cutting across Barnaby’s belly.
“I’ll be back before you know it,” Barnaby says, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He squeezes Howdy’s shoulder and then his back is turned, and he’s leaving. All Howdy can do is watch.
And call out after him, “Your table will be open and waiting for you.”
Barnaby pauses in the doorway and looks over his shoulder at Howdy, and his grin is so full of affection that Howdy may just burst.
“With a free pint?” he asks.
“Hey now, don’t push your luck pal.”
Barnaby bursts out laughing, and Howdy can hear it even after the door thuds closed.
#clawing and sobbing and- no. no#im normal. im so normal i swear#yk on a related tangent. i keep wanting to go to my sleep but spotify keeps playing bangers#all of my Lore songs... the animatics in my head... i dont want to not listen!#so i thought hey. might as well offer Yet Another Snippet!#i have many these days!#i almost posted the human au carnival snippet but uhhhh this one won out. i wrote it like. two hours ago#im sorry if it lacks some Personality or if theres blatant Mistakes#im tired! i meant to be asleep two hours ago! its 2 am!#snippets from the bog#laughingstock#wh fantasy au#its not shown in this tidbit#but barnaby has his pack and it contains Not Only Wormie! but also Puppet Wally!#barnaby: i gotta find wally 🥺#honey... you have had him the whole time... kiss your caterpillar....#the. the tall one. not the teeny worm.#well. the teeny worm too but she just gets a little kisth on her tiny face.#the tall caterpillar would get uhhhh a lil more than that id expect. lotsa sugar yk yk#im. gonna go sleep#these two will be my nightly bedtime story as i drift away...#and hopefully ill wake up early enough to find the christmas lights before The Stream#and maybe crochet a few more rows.... read a couple more chapters...#i just misspelled read as red i need to be Unconchus
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Marika & Messmer are fascists but not the hornsent who chop people to small pieces and put them inside jars to achieve divinity because they believe they're "chosen" people and therefore superior to other races? Have you considered the possibility that sometimes both sides of a war can suck? This is why frenzied flame is the way🙏
Anon, I am going to scold you before I get to the topic because "have you considered [thing]" here should be reserved for a problem when someone is ignorant and in a bad, poor-taste way! Which I was not because obviously I "considered" this! You are referring to a silly post of me liveblogging how I got to Messmer, and so of course I addressed Messmer! I should not add long disclaimer about every other lore-relevant thing when I make a basically liveblog-ish remark to "demonstrate" that I do not let other culprits in the story "get away" either! 😣 For example recently I've been focusing on Fire Knights to express my hatred for religious purism, but later in another post about story of Abyssal Woods I've instead focused my vitriol on Hornsent Inquisitors! There is its own post and time for everything!
Okay back to the LORE with light heart now!! This is true of course that both sides are atrocious; the Hornsent basically pulled a mad cult crusade on the shamans, and very ironically long time after their folks were victims of also a religion-driven crusade! This is basically playing extermination ping-pong for generations and regardless of who "started it", none of the innocent people (children, those who disagree and simply belong to [race], distant descendants that did not DO anything etc) deserved to be exterminated by association.
To get more elaborate, one has to take into consideration just how long the conflict has been going on for, and everything else Marika has done besides the Crusade. The people being killed by Messmer's army are most likely generations apart from the people who hurt Marika's! I've mentioned that earlier where I questioned how Grandam and Hornsent (NPC) seem to not even know why Marika/Messmer went with war at them at ALL. Like, both are/were barbaric in their own way, but there's clearly a side that has suffered enough now. Like, this was such a disgusting conflict that even Marika, who was the one who had it ordered in the first place, felt the need to distance herself from it because it WAS the battle without glory or honor. There were the Hornsent, likely a cult or something, who murdered and mutilated the Shamans back in their time, but Marika was the one who started the war and kept it going even after it was clear that the Hornsent had lost, and ruined the lives of many people that weren't even part of the war in resistance like the Hornsent NPC! (One more nitpick about it is that her/Messmer's war was that of exterminating of all who have no Grace, as opposed to some insane idea on how to force them to be reborn to "join" her type of people hfhhhbhf)
Correct me here if I am wrong, but so far we can't know if ALL Hornsent accepted the practices of Bonny Village and their higher religious institution. The Greater Potentate Cookbooks that we find relating to hefty pots describe the author as having been "haunted by the grotesque practice of his village of birth". This guy didn't sound like he was very proud of what his people were doing, and it's coming from someone who was raised there! There's likely a lot of other Hornsent who found the practice just as disgusting, especially amongst those that didn't do it themselves, but we don't know that because most of them are dead and the ones who remain are understandably upset and distrustful of "our" kind!
🤔 It is also because of this why it's more reasonable to call the two leading figures of a cleansing war fascists than an entire race, because we can't just assume that ALL Hornsent are fascists just because their religious order and justice system is fucked up. We just don't have a key leader figure to redirect such sentiments towards, unlike with the Golden Order! Basically confirmed fascists are Marika, Messmer + Fire Knights + Black Knights + troops, various warriors and perfumers and what not who agreed to participate @ the Hornsent who are doing the potting, the Hornsent who did slaughter Marika's village, and remaining corrupt clerics leaders of the religion!
(On a side note, Frenzied Flame is definitely the answer but y'all shouldn't tell Melina on me hfjjchjgdh)
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UPDATE 1 from July 4th that I wanted to add in the OG post instead:
I have nothing to add here, all of these are rather fair points! I am a little late with adding these screenshots but you've probably seen some more speculation on the Hornsent Inquisitors these couple of days by me and @val-of-the-north in my blog! Here if you missed these: ( x ) ( x ) The gist of it is that seems like Inquisitors are hunting their fellow Hornsent as heretics for serving the "impure" nobles, but regardless of whether it happened before Marika's mentioned "betrayal" or after, it is STILL horrible to harm people for association with those that didn't even do anything wrong :^)
Still applies that calling the whole race fascist doesn't work (heck, the Hornsent who choose to stand with Midra and Nanaya are confirmation of strong exceptions!), but the sentiment is certainly very strongly rooted culturally.
Sigh.. I am pretty sure there are people somewhere in the fandom that would fall into "hornsent deserved it" pit over this, too. Like "hey, even currently Hornsent culture is a rich soil for Shaman Villages 2.0 and 3.0 and 4.0 and so on to happen, so why not preventively exterminate an inherently dangerous culture?" (..if anyone here really thinks along these lines, please know that this is a dangerous line of thinking and you'll get ideologically groomed into excusing genocides before you know if you don't question what you're implying here) What they needed was more communication with other cultures and adopting more tolerant and humane principles. Seeing that various horn-ness species are just like them rather than sitting in the "we divine they filth" bubble if it is THAT bad. Maybe Marika even HAD the power to provide such change and bridge the gap while she was still a trusted figure to them during her "infiltration", and yet instead of putting and end to terrible traditions with careful planning and diplomacy, she chose the path of revenge..
Genuinely a depressing point to think about. And yes, absolutely doesn't do her a honor to choose ruin and hate.
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UPDATE 2 from July 11th:
I also completely forgot to back it up that the fellow Hornsent were also facing execution through being stuffed in jars!
Yeah nah, definitely their people in power were so dangerous that should someone protest against the murder of Shamans and alike, they'd meet the same fate.. Having to swallow what your insane authorities do, with your own life in the line, is also something very real. This situation obscures the number of people who are against it from the superficial look.
I myself live in the country where people can't protest against the government unless they want to go to prison or face other dire consequences, so having to sit quietly for the sake of yourself and your own families for the outside world LOOKS like we don't care and ""'"agree""". :)))) Fun stuff. :') Here, anyone who would ask why Hornsent that disagree with their leaders don't express it would technically be in their right to do so, but most people will protect their own life first, especially if sacrificing it won't really avail anything. Again, Elden Ring is incredibly real with these topics. :')
#ask replies#elden ring#elden ring dlc#elden ring observation#sorry for lack of memes or images I am on 2 hours of sleep and hungry and not home ghygb#but as for the second part it hits close tl home..#like.... i live in a country with VERY interesting kind of political and religious leaders :')#many of us abhor all of this harmful propaganda but can't simply leave the country#I feel like the Hornsent might have had a similar problem#those who loathe their religious leaders have to be quiet or else they might suffer like heretics too#and many might not be fully aware for other reasons#I know from experience how much belonging to a certain nation/place can feel horrible#because of what mad shit people in power do#okay we gotten EMOTIONAL didnt we gfhhggjhhg#and yeah sorry for the first paragraph but it was either addressing that or not answering ask at all#since it put me on the spot to excuse to not seem dumb and I did#but yeah for the future this isn't the best choice of words
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Prismatic Parallel shenanigans
this is probably going to become its own little thing
this was for no particular reason, just felt like posting
#(additional info#the same friend that helped me with the Val and Raggedy thing also suggested the New Yoke Surge and Kit#their names are Voltage and petrol#they were drawn before the rest so that might explain if they look a little wonky)#the urge to ramble is strong but the lack of motivation is stronger#just realized Nine has the least drawings#Noooooooooooo#this is why you don’t skip bedtime kids#/j#Orquidea gets to be a menace#as a treat#girl will go from giving inter dimensional gods therapy to knocking out her sleep deprived brother by any means necessary#this time? Baseball bat.#Chaos and AG do NOT get along#Nine will leave for two minutes and these idiots will almost kill eachother#that’s enough rambling for now#time for regular tags#sonic prime au#prismatic parallel au#miles nine prower#nine the fox#Orquidea the rabbit#surge the tenrec#Voltage the tenrec#kitsunami the fennec#Petrol the fennec#chaos sonic#alpha grim sonic#Sidus the hedgehog#shhh you didn’t see that
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Jergal belonged to a people who procreated by basically sacrificing themselves and being reborn as six new people with their "parent's" memories and experiences.
Jergal used his divine essence to do something similar once as part of a mysterious larger scheme, although that didn't go perfectly (thanks Karsus).
Maybe he's doing something similar. How many deities contain the divine essence of the Lord of the End of Everything?
Kelemvor, Myrkul, Bane, Bhaal, Cyric make 5. If Bhaal creates a sixth being and Jergal seperates that into an independent being, imbues it with yet another portion of his power and nurtures that spark we get six...
Is this what Larian intends? Almost certainly not; but it's fun to get carried away with fantasy conspiracy theories and in my house it might be true.
#God of Fatalism might work for Durge what with the lack of autonomy and “wheel of fate”...#headcanoning.#/durge#/withers#babbling#It's midnight I need to sleep...
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Wips. Please. Please. Work with me here, come on pleeeeaaaasssssseeee.
...No?
*flings doc* NEVER MIND THEN I’LL GO CROSS-STITCH BUNNIES
#I GIVE UPPPPPPP#...for now#raaaaaaaaargh#rambles from the floor#maybe I’ll blame it on the lack of sleep and feeling weird#randomly felt kinda like throwing up all day#not in an anxious way though#just actual. tummy hurts. and not in a monthly way#more like if I have to listen to this kid dip her goldfish in her water and slurp them up again I honestly think I might throw up’ kinda way#oh well I haven’t yet so I guess I’m doing alright
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I just had the weird lack of sleep idea of ‘Watcher Grian joins Hermitcraft’ but make it like ‘Oli Orionsound introduction to Empires’. (That probably seems weirder put into words than it did in my head but bare with me)
But basically the same way that Saint Pearl caused Oli to jump into the world of Empires, Watcher Grian and Watcher Pearl are just chillin in the Watchers domain talking about things and Grian is just like “I wish I could join Hermitcraft” and Pearl is just like “well if you want to join Hermitcraft then join Hermitcraft” and pushes him off the end island that is the Watchers domain and he falls into Hermitcraft season 6 and into the ocean right off the spawn island where all the Hermits are gathered and Xisuma is just like “oh there’s our new Hermit welcome Grian to Hermitcraft” and chaos ensues
I never thought I’d see the day when I’d have stupid lack of sleep headcanons for a fandom that isn’t Doctor Who yet here we are.
#I never thought I’d see the day when I’d have stupid lack of sleep headcanons for a fandom that isn’t Doctor Who yet here we are.#I might write a fic like this idk#I haven’t written fic for anything besides Doctor Who either#evolution smp#hermitcraft smp#empires smp#grian#watcher!grian#hermitcraft#empires#evo#pearlescentmoon#oli orionsound#watcher grian
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idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do
#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second.#remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one.#make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard.#you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper.#she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down#and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep.#there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more#and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true.#you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her.#the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers.#your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts.#learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again.#i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir#youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this.#right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full.#youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother#im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg#just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts.#breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful.#the lack of her is still beautiful
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