#it might be bad it is not totally inconceivable

[variousqueerthings]

#anyway ever regain your will to live bc you've connected with someone that you (bleeding heart. loves people as easily as breathing) see as#almost a father figure . and he tells you that youre a wonderful person and that he doesn't want you to die/sacrifice yourself#(he's known you for such a short amount of time. but he knows how much you mattered to his granddaughter and that means so much)#and then just as you think youve finally made it and survived despite everything you have to sacrifice yourself for him. so he can live#he screams about how it's unfair and IT IS. ITS SO UNFAIR. and also because he's made his decision the second he saw wilf stuck there.#'oh i've lived too long' is how he makes peace with it. he's only lived for six years. <- yeah :(

i feel murderous intent within my bones whenever i see someone calling ten whiny for his "i could do so much more" speech . do not ever talk about him ever again. EVER again. i am in your walls

[p0orbaby]

We Can Stay Here, Spend Every Day Here

summary: barcelona win the champions league

warnings: none

a/n: thanks for sending in a Request

word count: 1k

-

The final whistle blows, and the stadium erupts like a shaken bottle of cava. People are screaming, crying, jumping like they’ve just been told they’re getting a lifetime supply of jamón. Barcelona’s just won the Champions League, and you’re there in the thick of it, standing on the sidelines like a stunned meerkat, absorbing the whole chaotic spectacle.

You see Alexia. She’s standing on the pitch, breathing hard, looking like she’s just wrestled a lion. Her hair’s stuck to her face in sweaty strands, but she’s beaming, a look of pure, unfiltered joy that probably hasn’t graced her face since the day she found out croquetas were a thing. She’s surrounded by her teammates, who are mobbing each other, doing that thing where they all scream “Let’s go!” even though they’ve just gone and won the damn thing.

Alexia’s eyes dart around the stadium, trying to soak in everything at once, like she’s worried she might miss a single drop of this euphoria. It’s that moment when you realise she’s not just a footballer, she’s also a sentient human sponge.

But then you notice it. The way her shoulders slump a little, how the corners of her mouth twitch as if they’re debating whether to keep smiling or just fall off her face altogether. You can almost hear the monologue running through her head, like: “Am I dreaming? Did I leave the oven on? Is that tear in my eye or did a pigeon just shit on me?” The existential dread of it all hits her at once—she’s just achieved one of her life’s greatest goals, again, and yet… what now?

It’s all too much. You can see it in the way she starts blinking furiously, like her eyeballs are allergic to victory. The next thing you know, her chest is heaving, and her breath’s catching, and you’re thinking, Oh, Christ, she’s about to go full Niagara Falls.

You’ve never seen Alexia cry. You’ve seen her stub her toe on a chair leg and swear in Catalan that would make even Gerard Piqué blush, but cry? This is uncharted territory. It’s like watching a unicorn sprout wings. It’s so rare, you almost want to pull out your phone and film it for posterity, but you figure that might be a bit much, even for you.

Instead, you just stand there, paralysed with awkwardness, trying to figure out how to comfort the world’s greatest footballer without making a complete tit of yourself. Do you pat her back? Offer her a tissue? Do that weird side-hug thing where you don’t know what to do with your arms?

No, no. You do the only thing that seems right in this absurd moment—you just walk up to her and stand there, like a total muppet, until she finally notices you.

“Y/N?” Alexia blinks at you, her eyes glistening like she’s either about to cry or ask you to help her find a lost contact lens.

You open your mouth to say something profound, like, “You did it!” but all that comes out is a croak that sounds suspiciously like a bullfrog who’s just stubbed his toe on a lily pad.

“Hold me,” Alexia suddenly blurts out, her voice barely a whisper.

You freeze. Hold her? Alexia Putellas, the most un-holdable person you know, is asking you to hold her? That’s like Messi asking you to tie his shoelaces or Ronaldo admitting he’s bad at something—utterly inconceivable.

But then again, she’s standing there, looking at you like you’re her last line of defence, and, well, what the hell else are you supposed to do?

So you awkwardly shuffle closer, your arms hovering in the air like you’re about to hug a cactus, and then, with all the finesse of a drunk giraffe, you wrap your arms around her.

And she just melts. Not like the Wicked Witch of the West—more like an ice cream in the sun, all warmth and sweetness and, honestly, a little sticky from the sweat. Her head drops onto your shoulder, and you can feel her trembling slightly, her breath hot against your neck.

“Wow,” you mumble into her hair, which smells like some fancy shampoo you can’t pronounce but secretly wish you could afford. “You’re really, uh, hugging me”

“Shut up,” Alexia mutters into your shoulder, but there’s no venom in it. She’s smiling again—at least, you think she is, though it’s hard to tell when your face is smushed into her neck like you’re trying to get a good whiff of her collarbone.

You stand there, holding Alexia in the middle of the pitch, while her teammates continue to celebrate around you. Pina is dancing like she’s auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance: Champions League Edition, and Mapi’s screaming something in Spanish that’s probably either very inspiring or incredibly inappropriate, maybe both.

You feel Alexia’s shoulders shake with laughter, though you’re not sure if she’s laughing at you, with you, or because she’s just realised how utterly bizarre this whole situation is. Probably all three.

“You okay?” you ask, because you’re not sure what else to say when you’re holding the greatest footballer in the world while she tries not to dissolve into a puddle of emotions.

“Yeah,” she breathes out, her voice soft, almost tender. “I’m just… It’s just… a lot”

“Yeah,” you say, nodding sagely, like you totally understand what it’s like to win the Champions League and have an entire nation screaming your name. “Winning’s hard”

Alexia snorts—a real, honest-to-God snort that makes you laugh, which makes her laugh, which then makes you both laugh even harder until you’re both giggling like a couple of idiots who’ve just been told they’re getting the last slice of pizza.

And for a moment, you forget that you’re standing in the middle of a stadium filled with thousands of people, that you’re holding Alexia Putellas like she’s some kind of cuddly footballing teddy bear, and that you’re probably the most absurd couple on the planet.

You just laugh, and she holds you, and you both stand there like two complete goofs, surrounded by the chaos of victory, soaking it all in, and not giving a damn about what anyone else thinks.

[yallemagne]

why does sleepwalking women and gothic horror go hand in hand

You asking me?

The answer is voyeurism.

Here's the thing about gendered horror: the goddamn eroticism. You can't escape it, people want to get their rocks off even when they're terrified-- especially when they're terrified! It's such popular imagery because of the intimacy of a woman with all her hair let down in only a white nightgown highlighted by the pale moonlight. A nightgown is very innocent in its intimacy, there's nothing inherently sexual about it, but that just gets people even more horny! No structured garments underneath-- she's wearing breeches obviously but shhh no she's totally naked save for some sheer billowing fabric.

EDIT: oh my god blah blah blah "breeches! actually she wouldn't be wearing those!! oh my god, they got it wrong, just shoot them in the streets, your honour!" FINE SHE'S NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES UNDER THERE, GOOD FOR YOU YOU GOT ME.

Gasp! Unprotected purity! I sure hope no dastardly villain tarnishes this woman! (they do. they do hope for that actually)

This isn't a very fun answer, is it? But it's worth saying. Horror explicitly involving women tends to be very visual with plenty of (arguably) sexual imagery. Men get the mindboggling horrors inconceivable to the human psyche while women are limited to being eye candy who faint before their minds can even be boggled (no that isn't a euphemism). Even when the women in question previously had a larger role in the story than "sexy lamp", pop culture will be quick to reframe it in the way that has the most sex appeal.

But like... let's take the woman's perspective: you're in a state of undress and completely unaware of your surroundings. It's dark and anyone lurking around at this time might very well have bad intentions, and they might turn those bad intentions on you. And you'll be blamed for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the wrong dress. Terrifying. And people don't really appreciate the terror of it because... it's pretty, isn't it?

But then Lucy is weeping in her sleep, and Mina is covering her feet in mud for propriety. Because who knows what a man will do to them if he sees her naked feet? They're both cowering in fear hoping a drunken man doesn't take notice of them. Because who knows what he'll do to them if he sees two young ladies out at night? They're sweating from not just exertion but stress, and their messy hair clings to their frightened faces. They cannot tell anyone. Because who knows what toll this night might take on their good reputations?

It's not pretty. There's no see-through dresses (seriously their nightgowns are made of fucking linen, not organza), no flowing locks, no full faces of makeup, just pure society-ingrained horror.

But cis men don't typically understand that horror because they aren't usually victim to it. It honestly makes me sad and angry that the imagery is so prominent (and in such a watered-down and bland "sexy" way) because it reduces the actual horror these two protagonists face to nothing more than an audience's voyeuristic fantasy in which the women are only objects to be gawked at. The danger is reframed as tantalizing and enticing "ooo good girls (unknowingly) being bad in their sleep!" rather than... they could have fucking died. Or worse.

... But I still want to draw my girls (Jonathan, Mina, and Lucy) in cute nightgowns, so I'll bite my tongue.

[free-boundsoul]

I keep thinking about the ea

I have a few thoughts. Pre warning I shoulda been in bed 2 hours ago so imma little loopy

Im picking up early Gavin vibes from Porter, in the way that he's always mentioning his Empowered-ness to Treasure. Always reminding them that he is 'other'. (Maybe he's trying to maintain a boundary by reminding himself that they are unempowered and mortal and he doesn't have an eternity with him. And he doesn't want to bring them into it when he's afraid of losing his own life by stepping out of line)

"I said, no you don’t. You couldn’t possibly understand what this is like, you’re a human."

Oof Porter, this fucking stung. Also felt a bit...belittling? I think that's the word I'm thinking of. Which felt even worse when he compared their "problems" were mundane and his held so much more weight. (Which, in the grand scheme of things, is probably true. But we shouldn't weigh one thing over another. You never know what someone is going through. What they could be hiding. How their life is going and how close they are to the edge. How one wrong word or action could be the straw that breaks the camels back. Pain shouldn't be measured)

"Now that’s rich, coming from you. Tell me, have you ever taken more than a moment to think of the chain of events that has led to us standing here in this room together? The kind of internal tumult that has led you here into the arms of a total stranger, inconceivably vast power imbalance and all? And you think I’m the only one who needs help? You think you have a leg to stand on telling me that I need to work on myself while being completely blind to your own issues? Those are some beautiful stones you’ve been throwing in this glass house, wherever did you get them? God. When I want to be false-therapized and patronized by a hypocrite, I’ll let you know."

My first thought (after the pain that sparked in my chest at this dig) was that what if Treasure is going to therapy? Trying to better themselves after meeting Porter because he was right. Their friends did take advantage of them and they had been too scared to talk about it, confront them. They wanted to be better for him but was scared to admit that they were going to therapy because of things they heard growing up. That therapy was a weakness or a waste of money. It was only for crazy people or people who had trauma and their life wasn't so bad.

They can see that Porter is suffering. He needs a healthy outlet. And communication is key to any relationship. They didn't communicate well enough to their friends, so they want to communicate with Porter, be there for him like no one was for them until him.

But they're only human, and they're new to this and they can't help but feel frustrated. They say things they regret. It's a folly of being a person.

"What’s that? Say it with your full chest, Treasure. If you want the words to hurt, you have to say it like you mean them. No no, come on now. Say it. Spit it. Let’s be honest with each other for once, all the way. Good. And now, in return: I’m not the only coward in this room. If you think for one second that what we have here isn’t both of us running away, then you need to turn that appraising gaze inward for a bit. If I’m avoidant, then my god, what does that make you?"

Im sorry but my only thought with this was imagining Porter lightly holding their throat, fingers pressing lightly enough for them to feel it as he leans in close. His breath ghosting their cheek as he keeps those silver eyes, swirling with frustration and pain, locked on theirs.

"So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go figure out what I need to do to save a few dozen lives, if not multiple Houses. I’ll leave you to solve whatever your equivalent conundrum would be, like… should you actually do your laundry tonight or just push the pile farther over on the bed? Again? Good night."

Of course he had to get the last words in and they are scathing.

Now, I keep thinking about how Treasure might react and there are too many options.

Treasure fixating on the fact that because they are human, they aren't enough to be in a relationship with Porter. Maybe they go to Wonderworld to see if anyone there would turn them?

Treasure distancing themselves from Porter. If their problems are so mundane, they won't talk about them. Whenever Porter asks how their day was it just becomes "Oh, it was fine. Nothing interesting happened." No matter if the day was joyous or frustrating or even devastating. Their 'human' worries can't compare to all that Porter is going though, they shouldn't waste his time on them.

Treasure feeling like they're only a distraction that Porter picked up so he could momentarily forget what he does for his King. They wanted a relationship with him. But how could they be with him if they only have seen one side to him? Eventually people get bored of a distraction, right? How long would it take for Porter to lose interest and then he'd be gone?

Darkest turn would be if Treasure asked Porter to make them forget about the Empowered world. He was right, they were only human. They didn't belong in his life after all, leaving Porter to be the only one who remembered the time they spent together.

But I mean... it could always end up in angry make up sex too. 🤷‍♀️

[highfantasy-soul]

NATLA - Episode 1: Aang (1/4)

[Masterlist of my NATLA thoughts]

An explanation of what I'm doing here and my history with ATLA.

Of course, full spoilers ahead.

Next>

A word on the expositional dialogue:

That's always going to happen when you're being introduced to a fantasy world - it happened a lot in the cartoon, too. The viewer has no idea the political landscape, the rules of the world, magic system, governmental bodies, religion, how close or far the 'gods' are to mortals - and as shows usually don't have much world-building narration in them, dialogue is used to supplement that. I think people forget that and just automatically assume expositional dialogue is 'bad' when it's really not, we've just had the advice 'show don't tell' twisted and bastardized so terribly that we now have a visceral reaction to any 'telling' through dialogue even if it's totally normal storytelling.

Lets also not forget that a whole expositional monologue is given every 20 minutes in the animated version, so let's not pretend that being explicit about the narrative is something that needs to be avoided. You listened to Katara talk about Aang needing to learn all the elements and defeat the Fire Nation 61 times. I think the live-action can say it at least 3.

The show begins by showing some of the magic (bending) and clarifies this for new viewers with the dialogue "An earthbender!" from one of the fire-wielding men. This bit of dialogue is clarifying as it puts limits on the magic and lets new viewers know that that dude probably can only use earth magic - so the viewer isn't sitting there thinking 'why doesn't that dude throw some fire, too instead of just rocks?' or 'Why isn't he teleporting away?'

Also, it lets us know that having an earthbender there wasn't expected - the guard's tone lets us know that it's an unwelcome presence there.

The opening scene shows us a great look at the difference in bending styles - earth is slower, but more directly powerful - fire is quicker, but less forceful. Get hit with flying rocks, you're down and unlikely to get up - get hit with a firebolt, you'll get knocked, but there's not much blunt force trauma in it (fire/force damage vs bludgeoning damage in dnd terms)

Sozin explaining his plan fills 2 roles: characterization in that he likes to taunt his victims and he's overly confident, very sure of his importance and 'rightness'; and it lets the audience know what the political landscape of the world is like at the moment and how underhanded the Fire Nation is willing to be to win.

The redirection of focus from the Air Nomads to the Earth Kingdom is mirrored in the finale where the siege of the north drew eyes (we will assume other nations noticed an armada of Fire Nation ships sailing onto Water Tribe territory) while Ozai's real goal was to overtake Omashu - where the Fire Nation was keeping the Avatar's eyes on the north as well so he didn't rush off to help the Earth Kingdom.

The Earth bender asking Sozin 'why are you doing this?' also displays how such an act of war is inconceivable at this point in history - he genuinely has no idea why one might want to start a world war.

If you know the cartoon, or just real life, you know the reasons people have, so this dialogue might seem like its pushing for exposition, but it, in and of itself, is showing worldbuilding in the fact that while we might think 'yeah, obviously the Fire Nation is the bad guy bent on world domination', the people of the world at the time were wholly unprepared for such a war to begin.

Starting with the fire nation plan/attack was a strong choice to set the stakes immediately

Kids don't really care too much about stakes - they care about jokes and fun characters. If you want to make a story that appeals across the spectrum immediately, stakes are good things to start out with.

When you're gearing toward much younger viewers and the show is episodic - just coming on the channel randomly - it keeps kid's attention better when you start out with strong characters that are easy to grasp (see the animated version), but when you're addressing even a slightly older audience and it's in a format where you have specifically set out to watch this particular story, you start with the world and stakes, usually doing that through some minor or side characters (see Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings).

This also allows new watchers to have the shocking reveal of Aang having been in the iceberg for 100 years at the same time Aang is learning this. There's no clear time jump from the Fire Nation's attack and Katara waterbending - so the new viewers don't know that's happened and the extra stakes shock really lands - it's not an eminent attack by the firenation, the war has already been going on and the fire nation is winning.

The time jump is hinted at with the wrecked ship Katara practices in, Katara saying fire nation soldiers haven't been seen in years, and when Gran Gran says Aang is an airbender (while he's still asleep), Sokka claims they haven't been seen in years.

These are all hints that there's been a time jump, but how significant of a jump isn't revealed until later - it could have just been 20 years for all we know so far

For those who watched the animated show, all this set up might feel tedious, unnecessary, or like the show is hand-holding the audience, but that's because you already know the story. For those who have never seen the animated show, all this is necessary - as shown by all the new watchers who are praising the exposition as it's a huge world. By the end of episode 1 of the live action, those who watched the animated would have heard the exposition 3 times already - by the end of the season, they'd have heard it 20 times - so you got the luxury of a lot of exposition, let the newbies get some too.

[yugotrash]

I got peaked on gay men recently there was a post of women making harmless jokes about yaoi and GC gay men started saying femicide is the greatest thing ever invented and saying “and women wonder why they’ve been subjected, raped, tortured, and killed for all of human history” and I thought where is this energy for the gay porn industry harming real life gay men by giving them stds, trafficking them, and getting them addicted to drugs. I’ve never seen in all my years as a terf tehms or GC gay men ever criticize the gay porn industry despite all its harm. And I realized because they’re still watching porn probably insane amounts of it! Gay men are extremely violent misogynists and porn addicts just like any other type of man.

those kinds of comments are literally punch worthy...

gay men are generally totally porn addicted, and i was ready to accept those explanations like "it's because they grow up isolated and have no frame of reference for sex!" but tbh straight men are just as porn addicted so no that's not it. it's the male industry and male lack of empathy for it all.

at first i couldn't believe the blank stares i'd get when i'd mention mention that you know, even as "GC" gays, we should be quitting porn and responses like "but, how can you have such a problem with it, there's no exploitation of women?" but then i figured out the pornsickness is so bad that they cannot conceptualize porn as coercive and harmful to the people involved because that's usually their fantasy!! Porn actors are hot and lucky to be "working" such a "job", it's inconceivable to them that there might be such horrors behind it. To say nothing of detriments of porn on its users (which imho is of secondary but non-negligible importance), and also that those gay pornographers are often just a different department of the porn companies that DO exploit women.

so nowadays when i find myself in gay settings I make a big fuss about being disgusted by any porn talk bc it ruins the vibe completely. and so it should be

[donaldbarnaby]

Importance Of Mattress Bug Treatment In Orlando: 5 Key Tips

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Outcome

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Orlando Bed Bug Treatment

[akhilaasthana]

“It was Ellen.” Akhila said with a pointed measure of practicality. “And others although I’m unsure who else.” On the scale of importance, singling out who else had slipped down. Frankly with the work that lay ahead Akhila was glad to have the supplies back. She could leave it at that. Ellen had already gotten a bollocking from her. Even she could tell that Lokni appeared to be distracted, or otherwise preoccupied with thoughts. Akhila acknowledged him with a slow nod of her head, and another sip of tea. His analogy did raise eyebrows, exactly how many bad situations had Lokni been in? He wasn’t forthcoming, and Akhila did not pry.

“It seems some have been gifted abilities that are larger, more unwieldy. Reasonably, one can assume that like anything they can be trained.” She didn’t need to be hawkish to spy the heaviness to his forlorn gaze. Akhila pressed her lips together in consideration. “Lokni…” It was inconceivable that Lokni could be immediately totally proficient in a skill that he’d only just had thrust upon him. Powerful he may be, but evidently not with total control.

“You just need practice to hone your ability, perhaps we can find a way for you to target your power to avoid incidental damage.” Or perhaps that wasn’t possible. Akhila wasn’t going to mention that to him though. It likely wasn’t what he wanted to hear right now. Though Akhila doubted he’d crumble as easily as residents on orthopaedic rotation, it wasn’t her fault they couldn’t stomach it.

Akhila held out her hand to take his cup of tea. “Shall we see about starting practice now? No time like the present and the window can wait an hour or two more.” Perhaps not the break he’d anticipated, but Akhila saw no reason not to make efficient use of every minute. “We might even find Zaid, then he can be roped into doing something useful.” She said with just a touch too much bitterness.

“For now, never mind him. Right I’ll drop these off inside. We’re going to have to go far…perhaps somewhere open too. The forest is far too enclosed.” Practice would get them so far, but without comprehension they would inevitably fall short. Akhila considered the raised marks he’d come in with the first time. If that was the extent of any side effects, or only the surface level. Again, a round of questioning for another time. Once again, she’d been rather heedless to ignore his wants, Akhila rounded on Lokni squarely. “If you’re quite sure you want to do this. I understand if you aren’t ready yet.”

"Items were stolen?" Lokni started, caught by surprise at Akhila's newest revelation. Stolen? Already having the notion that someone or something was working against them, Lokni couldn't help but inquire, "were you able to see who was stealing? If so, what did they look like?" Shrewd as always, Akhila was quick to nail Lokni down, as if she was preparing to dissect him. Lokni felt as if he was caught between scalpel and skin as she narrowed that sharp gaze of her's toward him. However, despite her usual intensity, she seemed preoccupied for a moment before granting him an answer. “My ability is somewhat…difficult to control.” For a rare moment, Lokni could completely understand what Akhila was implying. Swallowing the thick lump in his throat, Lokni tried to anchor himself before beginning, "I feel like- it doesn't work when I want it to- Like tryin' to start an old truck when you need to get out of a bad situation quick." The memory of Selin's body crumpling to the dirt after getting stung replayed in his head on repeat. An acrid taste filled his mouth, and he knew that it wasn't because of the tea. To give himself a small break, he took a sip of tea, watching Akhila sip hers in stride as if it was normal to drink tea that tasted like hot river water. How could he admit that what had happened to Selin was his fault? Was not admitting to it even worse? The guilt was practically eating him alive, and then again he didn't know how to ask for advice without skirting around it. At Ahkila's suggestion of Zaid, Lokni thought for a moment. It was true, according to Zaid, his powers generated a lot of heat. Was it enough heat to make glass though? "I don't know if you're too keen on working with Zaid, but otherwise it's us stretching mosquito nets over the frames for now, and they're not meant for that. I'll see if I can rope him into all of this." Though Lokni was flattered that Akhila thought that he was adept at using his powers, he sighed softly, a sad smile tracing his mouth as he met Akhila's eyes. The heat of the cup against his rough skin was a gentle reminder that Akhila was standing there, awaiting an answer. "Yeah, I'm concerned about my powers. Feels like when I need them to work the most they don't- and when they do, destruction follows close behind," Lokni sighed, gazing up at the damaged Medcenter. "Doesn't matter if it's the land, buildings-" he took a heavy sigh, looking towards the sky somberly, "or people. Something always pays the price."

[zerogate]

You may recall that my initial training in Shingon meditation occurred during one hundred days of continuous practice in isolation, in the dead of winter, and in total silence. I went in one person—a scattered, wimpy, would-be scholar—and came out quite a different person. Not enlightened, but incomparably more focused and courageous. As far as I’m aware, I was the first Westerner to ever complete the Shingon basic training. By the end of that, I thought I was pretty hot stuff. My best friend at the time was a monk of the Tendai school who had studied on Mount Hiei, near Kyoto, the old capital of Japan. When I completed my one-hundred-day training, he suggested that I go meet his teacher on Mount Hiei. It turned out that his teacher was one of a small group of extraordinary ascetics sometimes referred to as the “marathon monks” of Mount Hiei.

Recall that I thought I was pretty tough because I had done one hundred days in isolation. By way of contrast, marathon monks commit to twelve years in isolation! During those twelve years, they must undertake several seemingly impossible ordeals. For example, they have to walk down the mountain, go into the city of Kyoto, visit every major shrine and temple in the city, chant the appropriate mantra in front of it, and then climb back up the mountain. This cycle takes over twenty hours, and they must do it for one hundred days in succession, once each year for twelve years. That leaves a few hours to sleep, and the rest of the time, they are hiking and chanting mantras for over three months.

It is almost an inconceivable ordeal, but I’ve seen it done with a smile on the face. Why? Because in each moment, they are tangibly aware that this austerity is doing something for them; they can actually feel the purification happening despite the intensity. Eventually, this taste of purification gets so strong and delicious that it eclipses the pain.

Twice during this twelve-year period, they have to do a special ceremony in which they essentially sit for nine days without eating, sleeping, or taking liquids! You might think this is a legend, or perhaps even a pious fraud, but it is a public event. In fact, it is sometimes televised live on Japanese network TV. The master I talked to said that the first two days of the nine-day sit were pretty rough, but after that, it wasn’t so bad. The momentum of impermanence and purification just took over, and the time went fairly quickly. He told me, however, that afterward it took him a full month to recover his normal sleeping cycle.

-- Shinzen Young, The Science of Enlightenment

[mypoisonedvine]

Seeing Red | bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x reader (part 7)

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6)

series summary: bucky used to brag that he didn’t have a celebrity crush, or really care about famous people at all, which is what made him the perfect person to start working for a celebrity like yourself.  except, of course, it’s just his luck that he’d fall for you.  

word count: 2.5k

warnings: um just implied smut and fluff and a reference to bdsm I guess?? but it's pretty chill overall

Liked by starkcosmetics and others

y/n.y/l/n okay first of all, it takes an act of god to get a picture of this guy smiling, but it’s always worth it.  he really changed everything for me and I can’t thank him enough for that.  so happy ❤️ 

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caroldanvers 😍😍😍

flowercrowny/n oh my god this is so sweet i’m gonna cry

1 HOUR AGO

He smiled as he stared down at the post you’d made, remembering how much effort you’d put into finding the perfect picture (in your opinion; he thought he looked kinda dopey in it) as well as writing and re-writing your caption.

The speed at which your post gained likes and comments was inconceivable to him; even more impressive was the speed at which gossip rags were picking up the story.  Sure enough, his phone’s alerts to new headlines about you were not only going off like crazy, but had started to include news about himself as well.  

Y/N Y/L/N Shocks With Romantic Instagram Post, Confirms Dating Rumors

You’ll Never Guess Which Hollywood Starlet Is Dating Her Driver

Who is James Barnes?  Everything We Know About Y/N Y/L/N’s New Beau

Skimming one of the articles, he was impressed at how much information they’d managed to get without actually getting anything from you or him.  Born in Brooklyn, disabled Army veteran, worked a list of odd jobs before becoming your driver and bodyguard.  ‘No social media presence, prefers to keep a low profile’ one of them said; you can say that again, Bucky chuckled to himself when he read it.

He found another from People and didn’t particularly appreciate that it spent half the time going through all your past exes and rumored partners (turned out ‘rumored’ is a fancy word for ‘a bunch of fans deluded themselves so hard that it somehow turned into news without any proof necessary’).  But he still smiled when he got to the part that was actually about you and him.

‘The relationship is pretty new but they’re so happy together,’  a source close to the couple reported.  

Close indeed; that statement came from your publicist, who he’d never even meet.  

‘He’s a very private guy and she’s got this huge following, so they’re sort of an odd couple in that way, but she knows her fans are respectful and will let them have their own life outside of the spotlight.’ 

Bucky wasn’t sure that the respectfulness of fans was such a given here, but he hoped you were right.  To be fair, they’d been very sweet on your original post insofar. 

However, when he scrolled to the bottom of the celebrity magazine articles and realized they had their own comments section, he discovered that they were a little less forgiving than the ones on your Instagram.  

Is this the best she thinks she can do?  So sad tbh :(

a military guy…. yikes, she could get any guy she wants and she goes for a murderer. 

He looks like a hobo that found a coupon for a free haircut lol

I don’t buy it, I know she’ll always love Pietro!

Pietro being your former co-star that so many of your fans were convinced was actually your soulmate.  From what he’d heard from you, those speculations had made things so uncomfortable between the two of you that it killed your friendship.  Those were nothing, though, compared to the comments about someone you actually had dated.

she’s obviously not over sam… they were so good together

He’d better watch out for her ex, he still likes tweets about her and they have so much chemistry

Wait, she’s not still with Sam Wilson??  I could’ve sworn they’d been dating for, like, five years.

You were scrolling through your phone with a smile as you walked past where he was sitting on the couch, and he just couldn’t help himself from asking even though he knew it wasn’t the best idea.  “Do I need to worry about this Sam thing?” he blurted out, trying to play it cool and not sound too anxious.  “People are really obsessed with you two…”

“Sam and I…” you sighed, staring off into space for a second.  He made himself anxious imagining what you were thinking about in that moment.  “I haven’t talked to him in… years?  I think it’s just because our relationship was so public that people are still talking about it.  And it had a lot of gossip material— we did a movie together, people thought it was sweet that we got together during production, it was great promotion for the picture… and from the outside, we made a lot of sense for each other.  But he has his own problems.  I loved him, but… he wasn’t ever going to be a one-girl kinda guy.”

“But you’re not just any one girl.  You’re… you know, you,” he emphasized.

“You’ve been reading too many headlines,” you shook your head as you sat down beside him.  “Please don’t turn into one of those guys who thinks of me as a celebrity first.  Before that—” you pointed to your own name where it was bolded on his screen in the trending topics page of Twitter— “was popping up on movie posters and in gossip magazines, it was just my name.  And I’m not perfect.  Not even close.”

Bucky sighed and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into him and holding you tightly.  “And before I knew you were famous, or rich, or incredibly talented, I was totally obsessed with you just for who you are.”

“You’re too fucking amazing,” you sighed as you held his face and gave him a gentle kiss— the kind of kiss that instantly melted his heart and banished his worries.  When you pulled back and looked up at him with a smile, it was like everything else just… faded away.  “Don’t read the comments, okay?  None of them matter.”

He smiled and brushed his thumb over your cheek, overwhelmed by not only the softness of your skin but of your spirit as well.  In all his life he’d never been handled so… gently, with so much care.  “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” he mumbled, not even really realizing he’d said it aloud until you gave him a beaming smile.

“I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend,” you giggled pridefully.

“Seriously?  I can… very easily believe it,” he scoffed.

“I just mean… you’re so…” you searched for the words.  “You’re actually good to me, that’s the thing.  I’m not used to that.”

“You deserve the world,” he assured.  “I’m just gonna keep trying to give you as much of it as I can find.”

He watched his hand trail over your face, down your neck and to your chest where he played with the hem of your t-shirt.

"It's odd to know there are millions of people who are jealous of me,” he admitted quietly, remembering some aggressive comments from some very angry dudes who had apparently also watched your nude scene a few too many times.

"Do you like it?  Do you like how it feels to know you're making them angry every time you touch me?"

"Couldn't care less," he refuted.  "Nobody else matters when I'm touchin' you."

“Do you maybe wanna… touch me a little more about it?” you smirked, opening your legs slightly in invitation.

“Always.”

//

Bucky had, thankfully, not let the newfound fame get to his head.  In fact, he had demanded that the two of you hunker down in the house, since he feared that going out would lead to being recognized.  What he apparently hadn’t anticipated was that that might not be enough.

“Will you get that?” you requested when the gate buzzed, too wrapped up in the book you were reading to answer the intercom.

He hopped up and held down the button to communicate with the gate speaker.  “Who is it?” he asked.

“I’ve got a delivery from Anjappar Chettinad on 23rd?”

Bucky didn’t even reply before hitting the green button and granting access to the driveway.  BEEP BEEP BEEP! you heard the gate signal its opening, and the car pulling around up to the door.  Bucky didn’t open it until there was a knock, greeting the delivery guy with a smile and the necessary cash.

“I’ve got a lamb korma, hyderabadi mutton dum biryani and an order of— woah,” the man suddenly stopped, staring at Bucky’s face.  “Are you—?’

“Hungry?  Yes,” he frowned.

“You’re the guy dating— holy shit, congrats man,” he beamed, smacking Bucky on the shoulder pridefully before leaning in with a mischievous smirk.  “Say, is she a freak or what?”

“She is,” you piped up from the couch, making both men turn their heads; but one was chuckling while the other looked mortified.  “You better not have forgotten my paneer pakora or I’m gonna chain you up and whip you.”

“Uh, I— no, I got it right here,” he promised weakly, handing the bag over to Bucky and starting to dash away before Bucky grabbed his arm, making the smaller man whimper fearfully.

“You forgot the money,” Bucky reminded him gruffly, stuffing the bills into the driver’s front pocket.

Finally, he let go, and the delivery man instantly pulled away, rubbing his arm and looking a bit like a kicked puppy as he went back to his car and drove away.

“You didn’t need to scare him that bad,” Bucky chuckled.

“I could say the same to you!  Grabbing somebody with the metal arm like that will put the fear of God into them pretty fast.”

“I didn’t mean to grab him that hard,” he admitted, examining the prosthetic hand as he came back to the couch with the bag of food, handing it to you while he focused on watching his motorized fingers curl and uncurl.  “I think I need to get this thing recalibrated… it’s been bugging out lately.”

“I dunno, it was working just fine last night,” you smiled, remembering how delightfully cool those fingers felt inside you.

Bucky seemed to miss it entirely, though, as he stared off into space.  “I can’t believe I got… recognized.”

“You’re a star,” you winked.  “And not just with random delivery drivers.  I’ve had a lot of press requests, everybody wants to be the first one to get nice pictures of us together— we’ve had a dozen event invites as a couple.”

“Seriously?!” he scoffed, snapping back to reality slightly enough 

“Yeah, and look what came in same-day mail this morning!”  You leaned over to shuffle through the mail on the side table before finding and handing him a letter in a gold-embossed envelope, watching him read what you knew was inside.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association extends an invitation to Y/N Y/L/N and James Barnes to the annual Grant Banquet in support of the Young Artists Fund.

“It seems like a good first event for us,” you explained.  “Relatively small and low stakes, it’s for a good cause…”

“Are you sure I’m ready to be, you know… seen?  By people?” 

You scoffed, hardly believing how insecure he could be sometimes.  “You look great, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Will I have to talk to anybody other than you?” he asked, grimacing as if that were a form of brutal torture.

“Probably,” you admitted.

His frown deepened.  “What if I say the wrong thing?”

“I’m not that worried about you,” you smirked.  “You’re a lot better at this stuff than you think you are.”

“I don’t have anything to wear…”

You smirked, a little too proud of yourself, when you remembered the email your publicist had forwarded to you just this morning.  “Hugo Boss will pay you $1500 to wear one of their suits on the carpet.”

“They’ll pay me to wear free clothes?” he repeated with wide eyes.

“Yeah, that’s one of the cooler things about fame,” you laughed.  “I make a grand every time I wear this watch outside!”

“I guess I should send them my measurements then…” he trailed off.  “Any chance I can get in on that watch deal?”

“No, but you can make $50 by getting papped at Jamba Juice.”

He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck as he thought.  “Is the smoothie comped?”

“I don’t know.  Do you want me to ask?”

“...kinda…” he admitted with a shy smile.  

“Well, I will, and I’ll RSVP to this invite saying we’ll be there next week,” you decided as you started to open up the food, but Bucky stopped you by reaching for your hands.

“Are we really doing this?” he asked.

“If you want to,” you mitigated.

“Of course I do.  I guess I have to accept that you’re actually willing to be seen with me,” he chuckled.  “It’s just sort of hard to believe.”

You leaned in and kissed him; it was meant to be a casual, reassuring peck but he held you closer and you melted into him, moaning softly at his touch as you started to climb into his lap.

“The food’s gonna get cold,” he reminded you with a mumble against your lips.

Unfortunately, your literal hunger was a bit too strong to ignore, even with the growing intensity of a metaphorical hunger for Bucky.  “Alright,” you relented, getting off of him and returning your attention to the meal on the table.  “Just know that I really, really want to be seen together, in public, just in case anybody missed the news about us already.  I’m not embarrassed by you or afraid you’re going to do something dumb.  I…”

One of those words that can’t be unsaid started to bubble up in your throat and you coughed, banishing the thought.

“I really like you.  I think we have something special.”

He smiled gently, giving you one more kiss on the cheek.  “I think so, too.”

//

Since this was slightly less of a big deal than a premiere or press tour, you had managed to convince your styling team to let you dress yourself, which was why he was laying on the bed and talking to you through the bathroom door while you put on your gown.

“Do you want me to hire a new driver?” you prompted him, voice muffled slightly as he imagined your head covered in the fabric, trying to navigate through the dress.  “I don’t want you to feel… I don’t know, like a servant?”

“A servant?  You’re still paying me,” he reminded you.  “You are still paying me, right?”

“Yes,” you laughed, “but still, I would hate it if you felt like staff.  You’re my boyfriend!”

(His heart still fluttered every time you said it.)

“No new driver,” he decided.  “I can drive just fine, and considering how things went between us… let’s not open the door for anybody else,” he smirked, making you laugh in that way you did when he made a stupid joke but you still liked it somehow.

“Okay, sure, but what about being my bodyguard?  Is that too weird?” you continued.

“God no,” he scoffed, “if anything I’m gonna be better at my job than ever.  As your boyfriend, keeping you safe is my job, but since keeping you safe was already my job… it’s, like, doubled-up now.”

He lost his train of thought when you opened the door.

“How do I look?” you asked as you stepped in and gave him a spin in your new dress.  Your whole body was draped in red silk, with the exception of your back which was almost entirely exposed, as if it were begging him to run his fingers down your spine.

“Like everything I ever wanted,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

And it was so odd that you questioned his desire to drive you, because those moments where he could steer with one hand and rest the other on your thigh, when he could catch a glimpse of you looking out the window at the city rolling by, when he got to listen to you ramble about something to kill the time during a drive; those were his favorite moments, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

After a relatively brief trip, you arrived at the venue, and all of a sudden he was doing what he’d fantasized about more than he’d like to admit: escorting you down a red carpet.  It was almost overwhelming— yelling, chattering, reporters speaking into camera, flashes going off in every direction—

“Hey,” you whispered, bringing your hand up to his cheek and instantly taking all his attention.

“Hey,” he returned.

“Just follow my lead,” you instructed.

“That was the plan.”

[sam-t-a]

Okay. 

*Deep breath* 

I think I’m finally calm enough to put into words exactly why I hated the finale and why I wasn’t completely surprised that I hated it. 

(Heads-up: this is really long and pretty negative. If you disagree, I would of course appreciate your point of view and love to hear it, but just thought I’d let you know in case this is the kind of post you would like to avoid.)

To me, it felt like every character on the show got betrayed in some way or another, but the main ones are Han Seo (devastatingly), Chayoung (obviously) and Han Seok (bear with me). 

Cha Young: 

She started out as a solid FL who annoyed some people for sure, but who had so much promise as someone unconventional and bold. The way her mother’s death affected her and caused a clear shift in her personality was a super interesting plot point that really never got explored. We have no idea how she came to sacrifice her morality in joining Wusang, just that she wanted to spite her father, which is a very superficial exploration. She gets cute idiosyncrasies in lieu of an actual character and an actual character arc. 

We also, halfway through the show, seem to forget that her father's death was the initial trigger. Cha young does not suggest bold ideas or intricate plans, she doesn’t fill the gaps Vincenzo is incapable of filling (because that would require that Vincenzo have flaws, and that’s not something the writers can abide), and she’s literally victimized in episode 19 and bedridden in episode 20, and that is IT. 

Someone who started out supposedly as Vincenzo’s equal just became another piece in his chess set, no matter how important a piece she may be. 

So her role as a badass avenger is trashed. That leaves her role as a love interest. Now, as Vincenzo’s love interest, she was supposed to get kidnapped in like episode 5 or 6 at the most if the villain has any brains whatsoever (Han Seok may or may not, more on that later). We need a reason for that not to happen too early. Cue villain is somehow in love with her for all of 15 minutes or so throughout a 20-episode series because a love triangle is inconceivable with the show’s current structure and for its purposes. 

So, she spends 15 or so episodes making the first move on Vincenzo, every time, putting herself out there, creating cute moments, getting nothing in return, and then he leaves. No confession, nothing much, he wasn’t even going to say goodbye or give her the choice of coming with him. 

I’m sure more chayenzo-oriented fans have already expressed all the necessary outrage over this, so I’ll move on to the part that I’ve personally been way more emotionally invested in from the get go: the Jang brothers. 

Han Seo: 

I was among the minority that  hated the “Vinny hyung” angle from the get-go and I’ve ranted about it in another post, so I won’t get into it here in-depth, but basically it was because I felt like Vincenzo hadn’t earned it, so to have the last words Han Seo hears be “You deserve to be my brother” or whatever the fuck he was on about PISSED ME OFF. It’s VINCENZO who doesn’t deserve to be Han Seo’s brother and hasn’t done a single thing to earn it. He was a good ally. The situation he allowed Han Seo to be a part of was beneficial to him, but Han Seo’s attachment to him was neither healthy nor heartwarming, and it certainly wasn’t returned on the level he offered it.

Vincenzo’s disregard of his death didn’t strike me as odd because I never saw enough indications that this was a two-way street and Han Seo’s safety and well-being came second so often that I didn’t get the impression Vincenzo was doing much to keep him alive. This is what I meant when I said the show was glorifying a torture survivor’s trauma responses. Han Seo himself, as a torture survivor, meant nothing to them. He was just there to create one more contrived comparison between Vincenzo and Han Seok. Instead of recovering from the trauma, it’s simply employed to someone else’s favor. He doesn’t go to prison for Han Seok, he takes a bullet for Vincenzo, and we’re supposed to see that as so much better.

All of that might (JUST MIGHT) not have ruined the show for me if he’d died better. 1) It was narratively pointless and totally avoidable, 2) they could’ve framed it as heroic, but instead Han Seok’s hand patting his head is pushing it down, so he can’t even get shot with his chin up and his back straight, Taec’s already taller, so the angle’s fucked and the whole cinematography screamed “kicking an injured puppy” and most certainly NOT “survivor finally stands up to his abuser”. The final nail in the proverbial and literal coffin is that he is mourned by no one. They’re FLIRTING not 3 MINUTES LATER, it felt so tone deaf and left such a bad taste. As I said, I didn’t expect significant mourning from Vincenzo (gotta say, I didn’t expect no mourning, that was a shocker), and Cha young and the tenants had no real interactions with him and no reason to mourn him, which left only one person who could. 

Which brings me to Han Seok. 

Han Seok started out as a solid villain, clear goals, clear skills that help him achieve his goals and basically make him a villain worth defeating, and a very complex relationship with both his own psychopathy and his brother. 

Let me get it out of the way: I do not believe Han Seok is capable of killing Han Seo because he had every reason and every opportunity to do so in previous episodes and couldn’t do it (I say couldn’t because a certain degree of reluctance is in itself inability). Han Seo’s danger far outweighed his material value the minute he shot Han Seok and then completely lost any value once he came out to the world as the chairman and it became clear that the prosecution would be going after him if anything happened, and not his brother. But time and again, he’s proven he’s all bark and no bite when it comes to Han Seo (killing-wise, specifically). 

The scene where he asks him to beat Vincenzo to death could be interpreted as him wanting to give Vincenzo the “painful death” he would have given him, but honestly, I think he was way past that point. He just wanted him dead in the “You crazy? we have to kill him before he kills us” sense. To that end, killing off a key ally of Vincenzo’s, who betrayed you and almost got you killed a bunch of times, should take priority, but Han Seok’s priority is reclaiming Han Seo by forcing him back onto his side. Now, much like his “love for Cha young”, Han Seok’s keenness on not killing his brother was essential to the writers so that Han Seo can justifiably make it this far and still be useful to Vincenzo (he can’t help if Han Seok completely excludes him from all events, plans and management processes, so Han Seok needs to want to keep him on his side enough not to do that even when it’s more prudent). 

All of this isn’t to say it’s unbelievable that he would kill Han Seo, but it’s DEFINITELY unbelievable that he would stay the same man after killing him. Someone here (I’m sorry, I don’t rememebr who) once said that Han Seo had become, over time, far more of a foil to his brother than Vincenzo was. To me, this means that Post-Han Seo Han Seok would be out of balance (tilted screen), unhinged in a way he never was before. The Han Seok we see shrugs and “oh, well”-s and moves on in a flash, not really any different from the villain he was four minutes and a whole brother earlier. 

This is very consistent with the way the show has been de-humanizing him from the start. I’m not saying this to defend Han Seok in any way, he’s a serial killer, an abuser and a total maniac. But you can be all those things and still a human being. In fact, you can ONLY be those things if you’re a human being. The show used its villain vs villain idea to justify a lot, but in the end, Vincenzo had to be a protagonist. He had to follow up every “I’m a villain” with a contrived “but at least I’m not (insert something worse)”. 

On the level of humans:

1) Vincenzo is supposedly different because he doesn’t hurt children or women (unless the women deserve it, and shooting a parent in front of their kid doesn’t count as hurting.) 

But we never see Han Seok hurting women or children either. In fact, if we proceed with the “chayoung is the myung hee of the good guys” comparison, he hasn’t hurt any women nearly as badly as Vincenzo did. 

2) Babel vs Mafia 

Babel’s corruption is compared a lot to the mafia, with Vincenzo commenting repeatedly that the people are WORSE than the mafia...which is bullshit. Babel is a set of companies that provide goods and services, but use illegal means to maximize their profit, so they hurt/kill people in the process because they want more money and care about money more than ethics. The Mafia is an inherently criminal organization that functions PURELY on the basis of its criminality. Every single dime Vincenzo spends is blood money. None of it is clean. And while we’re on the topic, I find the whole “taking Miri under his wing” thing pretty unreasonable too because he tried to have her killed you guys, I cannot believe we’re just glossing over that. He had everyone who worked on that vault killed, just random fucking construction workers. And he’s not sorry. And the show tells you he shouldn’t be. 

3) Repentance

Han Seok says outright he won’t atone, and while Vincenzo says no such thing out loud he just...doesn’t repent, I guess. He keeps the blood money, he goes back to being a full-time mafia dude doing mafia things. He leaves the same man he arrived. 

So, if on the level of harm inflicted upon humanity, Vincenzo and Han Seok are pretty much equal (and Vincenzo might actually be worse), then why should we root for Vincenzo? 

Well, my friend, that’s where the dehumanization comes in! 

I was initially very excited to see their portrayal of a psychopath because of the very interesting ways in which the informal moral code and official justice system surrounding a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist affect their behavior and their chances of not turning out rotten, and the show looked like it was looking at corruption in general. 

But as the show went on, the villain vs villain thing proved not to be enough, Vincenzo has to be better in some way (or if you’re as obsessed with him as the writers are, then ALL ways), so it became a villain vs monster narrative. Vincenzo isn’t ethical or fair or in any way interested in having a remotely positive impact on society, but at least he’s A HUMAN BEING unlike SOMEBODY. So, the characterization goes to shit, Han Seok becomes a cartoon card-board cut out of a villain and emphasis is put on how pointless his violence is, as opposed to how purposeful Vincenzo’s is. 

This is dangerous on multiple levels (and I promise this is the last point I’m making). 

1) For people in general, dehumanizing abusers/murderers/etc. makes us very liable to forget that you don’t have to be “a monster” to cause harm, and it makes people complacent in their belief that they are “not bad people” since they aren’t total monsters. The Banality of Evil is a thing, and in this series, it goes completely ignored. No one is inherently incapable of good or inherently undeserving of humanity. 

2) For victims of abuse in specific, it’s dangerous to portray abusers (including serial killer and non-serial killer ones) as entirely bad and unlovable, because it poses the dual risk of making victims less likely to acknowledge their abuse if it comes from someone who cares about or loves them on some level because the idea that someone cannot both love and hurt you is so stereotypical. Your abuser can genuinely want you in their lives and need you and, on some level, love you, and IT DOESN’T MATTER if that love doesn’t stop them from hurting you. 

On the other hand, portraying the victims of abuse as capable of flipping an off switch and hating the abuser with no hesitation or second thoughts to the point of unapologetically and cheerfully helping someone kill them and having no mixed feelings about it sends the message that if you CAN’T do that, then are you really abused? Are sure you’re not complicit in your own abuse? Do you even want to get rid of them? 

So this is basically why the way the show ended was so painfully disappointing for me. And the main reason it hit so hard was that it was initially so good and had so much promise. I really expected more.

[beskarhearts]

Human (Din Djarin x reader)

Connection series: Part 3

Pairing: Din Djarin x f!reader (no use of Y/N)

Warnings: cursing, mention of family members dying (let me know if I missed any)

Word count: A little over 4.6K

Summary: The Mandalorian feels a lot of things he’s never felt before and finally gets to ask you some questions.

Notes: This one is entirely from Din’s perspective except for the very end. I absolutely loved writing from it so let me know if you did. also let me know what you all thought! I’d love to hear some feedback!

Previous Part ___ Next Part

_____________________________________________

Din Djarin had never felt so human before.

For so many years, he simply felt like a machine or a droid. He’d get bounties, hunt them down, turn them in for credits, and the cycle endlessly continued. He never complained, even though it was lonely and lacked the fulfillment it once gave him, because it was The Way and he swore an oath that he would never break. And if Din Djarin was one thing, it was a loyal man - some would say perhaps to a fault. 

Din Djarin was aware that this life was different from so many others and would be considered by many to be a bizarre life, maybe even a depressing one. So many found a way of living where you had no friends, no companions, no connections, to be a inconceivable thing. The job of a Mandalorian was all-consuming, one that intertwined with every aspect of ones life. It wasn’t just a set of armor, it was a code to live by. And Din never complained about it, despite the years he spent traveling from planet to planet in his Razor Crest, with nobody but himself and absolute silence.

He knew his life was so different and so closed off, but he didn’t really become aware of it until the child entered his life. Din Djarin had never really cared for anyone before, not because he was bad person but because he had no one around him and definitely no one who cared for him. Many people cared to see what was under the helmet out of curiosity. What did a man whose whole life was meant to take down or kill bounties for a few credits look like? Those people wanted to see his face but never cared about the person underneath the armor, the feelings and thoughts he had only ever being his own, never shared with anyone else.

But, the kid changed some of that. He made Din realize how much he could care for one little being and taught him that his code was worth breaking, if only it was this once so he could protect the creature who he treated as a son. Not only did the kid make him realize that, but he also made him realize how much he craved a family. His had died when he was so young and then he became a Mandalorian, which made it hard to make friends or meet people, nonetheless a family. He unnerved people, scared them even. At the very least he made them uncomfortable. But, not the kid. The kid probably didn’t even understand what Din was, but he didn’t care about the helmet or the armor. He was just a kid, someone who Din could care for and protect, and made Din feel less lonely and sometimes even appreciated, maybe even loved.

And then she came along.

He initially didn’t want to bring her along. But, she wouldn’t stop nagging him about it, saying how she could be a full time mechanic for him and help with the kid (and while he loved the kid, he was a total pain in the ass at times). She also wasn’t bad with a blaster and he had to begrudgingly admit she had saved his ass on that fateful day. The kid also instantly loved her, which puzzled the Mandalorian. It was like the kid laid eyes on her and decided she must stay by his side and she seemed to take a liking to the child as well. They had an instant connection and while the idea of bringing a woman (a very sarcastic one, too) into his life scared him, he knew he was in trouble because he couldn’t say no to the kids desire to have her come along. And it was possible that even from the beginning, he couldn’t say no to her. She was too enticing, too unique. She was so different from every aspect of his life.

At first, she drove him crazy, not because she was bad person or anything, but because he had no clue what to do around her. She would make these jokes, teasing him, and he didn’t know how to react. People didn’t joke with him often, out of fear he’d shoot them. But she didn’t seem to be scared around him, which was the first bizarre thing he noticed about her. She would also talk. A lot. She would ask questions and blabber away with the child. He was used to the quiet but now she was here and his ship was full of giggles and chatter. It felt brighter and though the environment had shifted in a way he wasn’t used to, he enjoyed it a little.

She had tried talking to him at first but then stopped, and Din supposed that was probably his fault. He didn’t know how to talk to her though. Sometimes he even thought of things to say to her, responses to her questions, come backs to her jokes, but he felt so uncomfortable at the thought of actually doing it. He was a Mandalorian, not a normal person who could just talk to someone. Innocent conversations and exchanging jokes were things for people like her to do, people who were normal. Not for him. He had a reputation to uphold.

But it was like she didn’t even care about who he was or about his reputation. She had made a joke about him being a glorified tin can (a joke that Din decided he couldn’t determine if it was insulting or the funniest thing he’s ever heard) and had asked for his name, which he realized many people never bothered to ask. But, she didn’t ask what he looked like or ask him to take off the helmet. She didn’t seem to judge him for his profession or his way of life. She treated him normally. And that was more mind boggling to him than anything else. That confused him and he didn’t know what to do.

So instead of trying, he grunted and gave her short responses, ignoring her presence otherwise. The days would still be full of her and the child conversing with each other, but the nights would be silent with the two of them in separate rooms.

But now things were different. Instead of feeling so far apart that they might as well had been on two different planets, Din felt close to her. So much so he had given her his name. He hadn’t even realized he had done it until his name was being said by her. He didn’t regret it though. All he did was damn himself for not telling her sooner as she repeated his name, like his name was only for her to know and like it was meant to be said by her, and only her. 

When he later pondered on why he had told her, he realized it was because she cared about him. He could see it in her eyes, after he had saved her from the bullet. She cared about him and that care scared her so much. And the way he felt for the child and for her scared him too. Because he knew he’d do anything for them, no matter the consequences. And he could tell she felt the same, and he felt the least he could do to repay her for her kindness was to tell her his name.

Since he told her, she would say his name as often as possible and he never got sick of it. She’d greet him in the morning with a “Good morning, Din.” She would try to get his attention by calling out for him by name.  He was no longer Mando. He was Din to her. He was a person to her. 

________________________________________

Night had become Din’s favorite part of the day. He would wait eagerly for the child to quiet down and for the sounds of her stepping up the ladder, into the cockpit where he was. He would listen for her, wait for her to sit down in the seat besides his. Then he look over at her. 

Every night she would do the same thing. She would look into the galaxy, into hyperspace, like it was the first time she’d ever seen it. Her eyes would be glowing from it, her lips slightly parted in an expression of wonder. One side of her lips would quirk up, into that lopsided smile that Din had had begun to crave more and more. Din had traveled for many years of his life now and had seen so many places, but he swore watching her in that moment was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

Tonight was no exception. She had brought a blanket up with her, cuddling up with it as she brought her knees to her chest, the chair swallowing her as she leaned against it.  “The kid took forever to fall asleep tonight. I swear he does it on purpose sometimes, just to watch me go crazy.” 

He loved hearing her talk now, couldn’t get enough of it. The soft ebb and flow of her voice was like a melody to him and sometimes he could feel himself drift into it, wishing he could fall asleep to it. He found himself yearning for it and that puzzled him. He had never felt like that before. Not with anyone and it almost scared him, except it was her. And she vowed to protect him and he trusted she would be there. So for once, he would allow himself to feel, no matter how uncharted the territory was and no matter how silly he felt at times. 

“The little bugger likes to do that. It’s annoying.” He grumbled out. He loved the kid, he really did, but he had a knack for screaming, crying, and being defiant at the worst of times. The kid got to be by her side all day. Night was Din’s time with her.

“Oh, yeah. Says the man who no longer has to deal with it.” Din knew she was joking by the sly smile on her face. He used to not look at her really, just stare into hyperspace. But now he liked to. He wanted to see the way her expressions changed, her smiles when they joked, her eyes as she would look over at him.

“I have to wait up here for you while the kid screams.” 

“Well, well, Din. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you like my company. Perhaps you even miss me.” She let out a little giggle at the notion, like that was something impossible. But it was true.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, sweet one.” Din froze instantly, the words escaping his lips before he could even think about it. He saw as her eyebrows raise a little but the smile on her lips never faded.

“Well, I never would of guessed that Din Djarin was a flirt.”

That was the thing though. Din Djarin wasn’t a flirt. In all his years, he couldn’t recall one time he has gone out of his way to flirt with someone. Sure, he had found people attractive. That was only natural. But he never went out of his way to do something about it and had never really known someone long enough to want to do it. And it’s not even that Din intended to flirt with the woman before him. But he was finding himself doing a lot of things around her that he didn’t do with others. And he didn’t know what that meant but he knew it felt nice and normal. And after everything he has gone through in life and the way he has lived for so long, didn’t he deserve that at least? If only for once, with her and his child?

“Can I ask you a question?” She asked, looking back in front of her, into the galaxy. Din was grateful for the change in conversation but was also nervous about her questions. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to answer them necessarily, but he worried he’d answer something and turn her away, push her away from him. He supposed it was a silly notion but he still feel a bit of fear creep into his chest at her question.

He also understood her desire to ask him questions though because he wanted to ask her about everything. He wanted to know everything about her life, her past, her passions. He wanted to uncover the layers between them. 

“Only if I can ask you some too.” It sounded like a good compromise to him. She got to ask her questions, no matter how nerve-wracking it seemed to him, and he got to know a bit more about the person who was learning to care about more and more.

“Deal.” She reached her hand over so he could shake it. He pulled one of his hands off the controls on the dashboard and reached it over to her. Their hands clasped at each other and shook, until they both let go. “Alright, Din. You go first.”

“No, ladies first.” He wanted her to go first, so she could set the tone of the conversation. He didn’t know if they were asking trivial little questions like their favorite food, or deeper ones. 

“What a gentlemen you are.” Din let a chuckle out at that idea. He never would consider himself a gentlemen but he didn’t bother to argue with her about it. “Do you ever regret bringing me along?”

Din’s head whipped over to look at her, but he watched as she pulled at a loose string on her sweater, looking down and not at him. The question broke his heart instantly. Was this something she worried about? Despite the uncomfortableness in the beginning, Din had never wished once she wasn’t there. In fact, he couldn’t imagine what would have happened if he hadn’t let her join, leaving her on that cold planet where he had met her.

“Kriff, no.” She finally turned her head to look at him, looking worried but hopeful at his initial response. “The kid... he absolutely adores you. I think if you hadn’t come, he probably would of killed me with his magic hand thing.” 

She let out a laugh at that and Din smiled under the helmet, glad to see her concern dissipate a little. “And,” he continued on, “I am glad you are here. You’ve made life... better.”

She let out a little hum at that, appearing to hold back a big grin at his words. “I guess that was a sufficient response. Your turn.”

“That planet I picked you up from-”

“Yungbrii?”

“Yeah. Was that your home?”

She scoffed in response to the question. “Maker, no. That was just a place to... escape to.” A sadness reached her eyes and she looked as if she was drowning in the past. “My family and I used to live in Jakku, in a small little area outside of the Nimma Outpost.”

“Isn’t that place just for scavengers?” 

“I mean, mostly. That and a whole bunch of other shady stuff. Probably not the greatest place to raise your kid but it was fine. My father was the only mechanic there and it was the only place on the planet with a beacon so quite a few people would pop in. Most of the people who stopped by were running from something, so their ships were mostly likely garbage and they’d pay upfront with credits, so it worked out okay for us.”

“Did you like it there?”

She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, shaking her head and giving Din another one of her classic grins. “Now, I see you are trying to get away with two questions in a row. It’s my turn.”

“Fine.”

“Where did you grow up?” 

Din whipped his head towards her again, watching as she faced him and leaned her face against her hand, waiting for his response. Where did he grow up? No one asked him questions like that because no one cared. And Din was usually grateful to avoid questions like those, because the pain that came with those memories was something he didn’t want to face. 

“Aq Vetina.” Din knew the words were said coldly, and she didn’t deserve that. But every time he thought of that place, all he saw were the droids destroying everything he had ever known and the last glimpse of his parents faces before he was hidden away in darkness, never to see them again.

“There were Mandalorians on Aq Vetina? I thought that place was destroyed or something.” The words were said with no bad intentions, only pure curiosity and confusion but an uneasy silence still filled the room. He no longer looked at her but felt her gaze drift to him. “Oh... I’m sorry. I didn’t... I didn’t know or- ”

“It’s my turn now, right?” He wanted to change the topic before he got even more upset and took it out on her. He didn’t want her feeling guilty. She didn’t know and it wasn’t her fault.

“Um, yeah.” 

Din cleared his throat, trying to think of a question that would ease the tension. But he had one nagging away at the back of his mind, one that had plagued his thoughts more and more as time went on. “Why did you want to come with me and the kid?”

“Honestly, I had wanted to leave Yungbrii for a while. But, there weren’t a lot of people which meant not a lot of credits and not a lot of ways out. A lot of the people who came too were real sleaze balls, not the kind of guys you wanted to board a ship with. But then you came in and you were different. Kind of annoying at first but you didn’t scare me. And then I saw the kid and thought if he is taking care of that, hopefully that means he isn’t some crazy freak.

“But, it wasn’t just that you weren’t a freak, which I mean only as a compliment.” She let a small chuckle out at that and Din felt better as she continued on. “I can’t explain it but the kid... I knew instantly that he was special. I’m not much of a people person but I instantly liked the kid and trusted him. And I could tell that he wanted me to come and if he trusted you, then I could too. And even though you weren’t the most charming character when I met you, I could tell you had a heart. I saw the way the kid looked up to you and the way you protected him. You are a good guy.”

Din’s heart warmed at her answer. He could imagine that a lot of people definitely didn’t have that impression of him when they saw him but even the first time they met, she was able to look beneath the armor and the helmet. She didn’t know anything about him but was able to tell he was a protector and despite his reputation, he cared. “You didn’t care I was a Mandalorian?”

“Eh, not really. My grandmother wasn’t fond of your kind but I figured it was maybe some old school way of thinking. And even if it wasn’t, that doesn’t mean all Mandalorians are the same.” 

Din Djarin was awestruck by the woman he was sat with. He was so used to people hating him for who he was, or at the very least being scared of him. And the fact she was able to disregard all the assumptions people made about Mandalorians and look at him as a person first showed her true character. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me. That should just be considered common human decency.” He supposed that was true. But it didn’t make her any less special to him. “Okay... hmm... okay, I got one. Have you ever loved someone?”

Now that was not expected at all. His helmet whipped around so fast to look at her, half expecting her face to be turned away but she stared back at the Mandalorian, sitting patiently for an answer. Has he ever loved someone? That’s a hard hitting question yet also a rather simple one, sad enough. Din thought back to his past. Sure, he had noticed attractive people. There had been a few times he’d allowed himself to indulge, but never would he describe it as love. It was just a meaningless night with a person who was lonely too and didn’t mind the helmet. And now that he thought about it, he’d never even kissed someone really. The helmet was always on and he never trusted anyone enough to keep it off, in fear they’d sneak a peak at the infamous bounty hunter.

So, no, Din Djarin had never experienced love. He had never been in love nor has he ever been loved by someone. And while he was able to be reasonable about it in his head, it was harder saying it out loud. He was old enough that that was weird, if not embarrassing. Especially considering the woman beside him.

She was beautiful, with soft features yet such a strong personality. Her lips were the kind you could think about, wonder how they would feel against your own. Her eyes were so expressive: a lot of times you tell what she was feeling by looking into them, if only for a moment. But it wasn’t just her looks (although Mando couldn’t imagine someone could look at her and not be shocked by her beauty) but it was her strength and character. She was so strong and quick. She could take a hit and give one that was even stronger. She could stand being teased and had this lopsided smirk that would cross her face when she said something smart or funny.

Din Djarin imagined she was a woman who had been loved by many. 

And he was loved... by no one.

“The job doesn’t really allow for much room for that kind of stuff. Armor doesn’t help either.” He meant to answer plainly, as if the question had no impact on him, but he still noticed the way her eyebrows softened, her head tilting slowly as she processed his words. Din felt a hitch in his breathing as she reached over, her soft hand covering his.

“Din Djarin, you are much more than your job or a suit of armor. You are a good man.”

And he once again felt himself melt into her touch, as well as her reassurances. Din had never had someone do this for him. Sure, the Mandalorians had been there for him when he was a foundling, but even in the end they wanted something from him: to be a Mandalorian like them and to swear by and follow their creed. But this was so different. She didn’t want something from him. She didn’t need him to change the way he was in order for her to support him. 

“What about you?” He asked nervously. He didn’t know why he was even nervous. Maybe because he didn’t want her to think he was prying. Or maybe it was her answer he feared. That she would already have someone who was waiting on her or who she had already given herself over to. And while Din knew he didn’t have any claim on her, that they were only friends who happened to get stuck with each other in this big galaxy, he knew a small part of him didn’t want to hear her say yes. 

“Have I ever been in love?”

Din responded only with a nod of his helmet, followed by a loud sigh leaving her lips.

“No, I don’t think so. I think maybe once I could of been... but it wasn’t the right time for me.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Besides, my grandmother always told me love was a waste of time. Suppose I haven’t ever really bothered to find it.”

Din felt bad for feeling relieved at her answer. But, he still did.

“You mention your grandmother a lot. Were you guys close?”

She smiled, as if relieving all the bittersweet memories. It was a smile Din recognized. “Yeah. My mom would of argued we were a little too close. Always said I was just a younger version fo her.”

“Well then she must have been a pain in the ass.” 

She let out a loud laugh at Din’s joke, her smile reaching from ear to ear as her body shook for the laughter. Din enjoyed hearing the sound of laughing. It wasn’t a sound often heard on his ship and hadn’t ever really been present until she came around. Her presence lightened the mood, make the environment brighter than it ever had been before, made the Razor Crest feel more like home than Din had ever felt before. 

“Yeah, she was a pain in the ass. I miss her.”

“Is she-” Din paused, not wanting to ask a question that would hurt her. She was so happy and he never, ever wanted to do anything to tarnish that. He could tell she was scarred enough. She didn’t need him digging in deeper, breaking her apart bit by bit.

She paused, the smile falling off her face, and turned to look at Din. “You know, you can ask...”

“What happened? To your family.” 

“About five, maybe six years ago, Empirical troops raided our house with orders to kill everyone in it. It was just my parents, my grandmother, and I. They wanted my grandmother the most. She wasn’t very subtle about her hatred for the Empire and her dedication to the rebellion. She probably should of shut up a bit more...”

Din felt so much anger build up. This was the same Empire that had wanted his kid. The same Empire who wanted to do Maker knows what to him, tarnish the power he held, and make the child into something he wasn’t. The same Empire that Mando constantly had to run from and who hunted for him and the kid. And now the same Empire who had hurt a person he cared about so deeply. An Empire who had taken his family, and hers.

“They did that just cause your grandmother?” He simultaneously couldn’t believe it and could. 

“That and... well...” She paused, clearly uncomfortable with the subject but continued on, “My family line... there have been Jedi’s in my family in the past. And they were Jedi’s that were also dedicated to the rebellion. So, they figured they would just kill any possible Jedi’s and not risk it.”

__________________________________

You knew the question was coming, just like you knew eventually this conversation would happen. You were getting close to Din, perhaps too close, and you couldn’t keep what had happen to your family a secret forever. And maybe a part of you wanted to talk to him about what happened, because there was no one else on the planet you could tell. 

Because you weren’t supposed to be alive and probably had a price on your head.

All because of who you are.

You heard your mothers words echo in your mind. Never tell someone about yourself. You have to keep it a secret because they will want to kill you. The world isn’t safe for someone like you.

You held your breath as you waited for the question, nervous even though you knew what was coming.

“Are you a... Jedi?”

Never tell someone about yourself.

You finally let out the breath you were holding, trying to steady your shaking hands. Your fingers dug into your thighs and you stared straight ahead, into the galaxy in front of you.

“No.”

[nodanova15]

Fanfic writer interview!

Thanks for the tag, Alex! :D

How many works do you have on AO3?

6

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes

In-Law

Marriage Mishap

Incredible Mother

Inconceivable Notion

Sunlight

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Yes! I love every comment I receive and feel the need to interact everytime-although there might be a few comments I miss.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

So far, all my fics have happy endings. I would like to explore bad endings, but probably not anytime soon.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Probably Sunlight!

Do you write crossovers?

I’ve never written crossovers, but I’m not totally against the idea.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope! (At least not that I can recall, I’m 99.9% sure I haven’t) Everyone’s been really nice to me on ao3 :)

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I’ve only ever written non-explicit smut, but I do want to explore more and eventually be able to write more detailed scenes.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don’t believe so. But I feel like I would know if that happened, right?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope. Sometimes I consider translating my own fics to spanish since it is my native language.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I feel like that would be really fun! I’d be excited if I ever get an opportunity like that!

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

All-time? Probably FengQing (Feng Xin/Mu Qing from Tian Guan Ci Fu/Heaven Official’s Blessing) since they’re the pairing I’ve read most fics about! (I still love them A LOT but it’s been a while since I’ve read for them!!) Current favorite though? SilverMantis or AsuYuno.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Ahhh probably my Angel/Devil asuyuno AU…I love that au but I haven’t felt motivation for it in such a long time. It’s been a wip for two years now. I’ve considered making it shorter with all the writing I already have, adding a bit more and posting it as a one-shot—as to have it out in the world. (I think I have three long-ish chapters that have been collecting dust)

What are your writing strengths?

No idea. I’ve been told I can do good characterization, but I’m not totally sure about that. I’ve gone back to fics and rewritten some dialogue I’ve come to realize was a bit much for some characters. But I do genuinely think I’ve improved in that area!

What are your writing weaknesses?

I struggle trying to set a steady pace without making it too quick, andddd fight scenes. (I’ve also struggled with continuity in the past, but I feel I’m a bit better at that now).

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve done it before, and I’ve seen it be done well.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

For fandoms I’d say TGCF or MXTX’s works in general. As for ships, I’ve been meaning to write for MereoDoro, [redacted](i’m working on something but don’t want to spoil it yet), and ACielVani. (And in general, a pair I’ve already written for, I want to write more silvermantis) (OH—and more leoneige)

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Marriage Mishap is SO fun to write, but I love all my fics equally—mishap is just ongoing so it has a slightly higher spot.

I believe all my writer friends have been tagged already so—uh. Anyone who wants to participate, please feel free to!

Again, thanks so much for the tag!!! 💕

Fanfic writer interview!

tagged by @ashenaura. Merci bien ! ;)

How many works do you have on AO3?

145.

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

I'll Follow

Where The Heart Is

Your World

Everything and More

Brittlest

(... yup, it's all SAU and those numbers will never not shock me)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Of course. It might take me forever (my inbox is staring at me dead in the eyes), but I will respond. It means the world to me and if anyone makes the effort, they deserve a response. Easy.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I need happy endings with my angst so... yeah. I think... Yesterday I died (tomorrow's bleeding) is quite sad.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I guess the SAU has the happiest ending. Everything And More's last chapter is literally sunshine and calmness which, yk, is needed after the whole thing.

Do you write crossovers?

I've just gotten into it! I didn't see the hype before but um that was because I never tried to mash together the right verses I think. The Arkham Horror x Black Clover crossover is very dear to me.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

*touching wood* Nope.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I've written steamy but never full smut. Well, I've written bits. But they're unpublished and I don't think I ever will publish them soooo yeah.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge, no.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Someone translated Her Most Precious Memories in Russian (Её самые драгоценные воспоминания).

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Just like crossovers, I'm just getting into it. And just like crossovers, I'm absolutely loving it.

@kalolasfantasyworld knows. We've written that Olympics Swimming one, Silver Scorching Interdimensional Slash: the Magical Medley Relay of Doom, and we're writing the most wonderful Formula for a Crush.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

All time favorite... royai probably.

it's just the angst... it's just the sillies... it's just the war criminals... there's a dog... they're both so stupid... i love them...

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

fhjfhds all of them. If I start a wip it's that I want to see it finished (because I want to read it). Sadly, I often don't have the motivation to. The wip list is ever growing.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue and internal monologues, I think.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Besides everything syntax and grammar-related because what even is English, I'd say description, especially of action scenes. It takes me forever to even dare put down a few words and I always feel like I'm describing like a 7yo would (no shade to 7yo but surely with 20 more years on this planet I should be able to do better).

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I did it in Formula for a Crush for Vanessa and Helena because Helena typically does it so it felt normal to As long as it's one word or one expression I don't really mind. (my Italian is non-existent and my Spanish is uhhh not good so, there's that.).

In my own work, I prefer to keep it in English and italicize. Less risk to completely fumble a whole language.

(I just realized that Zora doesn't even utter one word in French in FFAC and I'm French [I dare think I can speak and write the language relatively well]. so it's less down to messing up a language than personal preferences in writing ig..? I never really thought about it.)

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

Nothing comes to mind. Rarepair Week was a great occasion to tick some of these boxes too.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I've had this question ten thousand times and I think I reply differently every time dhjfdjskj. It's a tough one.

Right now I'm having a lot of fun with Formula for a Crush (nah, you can't tell with how much I'm talking about it).

what even is football anyway will always be very dear to me and I'll probably say it's this one.

Blue Hours (and its sequel, I might even like the sequel more simply for the rant about the dishes) is special because I loved the concept and I experienced a bit with the narration.

Thicker Than Blood because it's a longer one and it was a really non-pressure kind of fic (I expected no one to read it so I really had fun)

Yesterday I died (tomorrow's bleeding) and posing questions to a silent universe (my very thoughts a curse) for some nice Mia angst.

Lost in a storm, It’s a big office, chief, for some nice Phoenix angst.

Tell Me About Cruelty means a lot to me.

(you might realize: I cannot choose. I'm looking at the 145 fics and I'm like. they're all special to me in some way. even those I wish I could erase from the face of the earth I'm like. I like that line, that scene, that hug. it's terrible and it's wonderful.)

--

tagging (no pressure, do it if you want) @kalolasfantasyworld (because ofc I'm tagging you), @wildflowerwoodsworld

[twistedtranslations]

Idia Shroud - I can’t

You can unlock this story by getting Idia’s SR Ceremony outfit

Translation under the cut

TL notes

Q.E.D. is a manga where the main character gets roped into various detective cases by his friend and only solves them because they asked.

Idia calls others with the -shi suffix, which can be translated as Mr. but I left that out.

Ignihyde Dorm - Idia's room

Idia: Sigh… I can't do it after all… Why did I make that nonsensical promise with Ortho to appear at the entrance ceremony… No, it's because I'm weak to Ortho's requests, I know, I know, I’m almost like that Q.E.D. guy… But I shouldn't be! 

Idia: There's no way that a shut-in like me will suddenly show up at a big event like the entrance ceremony where all the students gather! Y-Y-Yet I'm the dorm leader…?! Just thinking of everyone watching me… Ugh. I'm feeling extremely dizzy. I'm getting a stomachache. I'm totally feeling sick right now, oh no, guess I gotta call in sick;

*Knocking*

Ortho: Brother?

Idia: Ack! … O-Ortho. Is there something?

Ortho: I'm going to the sports field for a bit. There's only one week left until the entrance ceremony, so I quickly have to get used to my new body!

Idia: O-Okay. Have a safe trip. Don't stay out too late.

Ortho: Okay~

Idia: He's so cheerful… Does the entrance ceremony make him that happy? If I were to tell him that I’ll skip out on the entrance ceremony because it’s too harsh for mr, he'll surely be disappointed… What should I do…

*Knocking*

Idia: O-oh!? O-Ortho, is that you!?

Riddle: Idia, it's me, Riddle Rosehearts from Heartslabyul.

Idia: R-R-Riddle?! W-Why are you at Ignihyde?

Riddle: Because the principal asked me. I will bring you to the dorm leader meeting for the ceremony, even if I have to collar you… understand? Good grief, the entrance ceremony is so close, yet you have not even shown your face once during the preparations. The only ones who have not come to the meeting are you and Malleus. Please hurry and come.

Idia: I…

Riddle: I?

Idia: I can't.

Riddle: … Huh? You can't? What do you mean? You are in good health, are you not?

Idia: N-No, Ortho isn't here now… talking face to face with you guys… and then the meeting… I definitely can't do it!

Riddle: Stop making excuses… you are a dorm leader. You should not be so lenient on yourself. It is not like I have free time either. Hurry and go, and open the door!

Idia: I, I-I don't want to! I-It's not like I wanted to become the dorm leader!

Riddle: You are being irresponsible. Once you put in charge, it is only natural that you perform your role, no matter the reason.

Idia: Argh… there it is, oh there it is, "It's only natural"~ There they impose their sense of values upon me again.

Riddle: You are always so irritating! Did I say something wrong?! You are an being inconvenient to everyone. You could have the decency to at least help prepare for the entrance ceremony…

Idia: Oof, there it is, the ultimate magic "Everyone"… Using peer pressure to erase the individual, being looked down upon by the common opinion so you can't see the truth. The youth of today that knows no autonomy, it's truly frightening, I sympathize with the future of Twisted Wonderland.

Riddle: Hn, Hngh…. You cannot even talk to someone's face… The only reason you can use these big words is because this door separates us! I always thought this, but a person like you who loves agitating others corrupts the public morals of this school. More than anything, you displease me. Now stop your fast-talking!

Idia: Huh, why are you the one blowing up in my face… scary… I don't understand what you're trying to accomplish…

Riddle: Hngh! I said it is because you displease me! An incompetent dorm leader like you should not command me around!

Idia: I have a reserved and restrained personality, unlike you attention seeker…

Riddle: … What did you just say?

Idia: Ack… A-Anyway, please leave me alone! I was doing fine like this even before you entered the school.

Riddle: I see, I see. So that's how it is. It must have been awfully easy, was it not? Then why don't you have Ortho Shroud do everything so you don't have to lift a finger!

Idia: Eh?

Riddle: You won't have to attend the meeting, you won't have to prepare for the ceremony, neither will you have to deal with the visitors, you can just leave everything to that robot. In any case, you had no intention of attending the entrance ceremony at all, right? Can it be that you were planning to leave the speech to him as well? How pathetic, being forced to work by the irresponsible dorm leader!

Idia: Huh? I never said I wasn't going to the entrance ceremony? Stop making assumptions? I'm going to this entrance ceremony!

Riddle: Perhaps you should stop bragging about common sense? It seems I have made a terrible fool of myself. Can I expect a moving speech from you?

Idia: Piece of cake.

Riddle: Hm. Then I shall grasp my handkerchief and look forward to it!

Idia: … … …Am I not the fool?! "I'm going to this entrance ceremony"…. I don't want to! I can't! Shitshitshitshit… what to do…

Chapter 2

Mirror Chamber The day of the entrance ceremony

Idia: I-I somehow made it to the mirrors… I can do this. I will do this. Using self-suggestion is important. … …Hn… A, Aah… I can't! It's too scary! If I enter everyone will stare at me anyway?! And then they'll start whispering about me! "Who's that?" "Does he not get burned by his hair?" "Isn't he from the cursed Shroud family…" "His anxiety might be contagious" and things like that… Or maybe they'll start poking me with a stick while saying that I'm gross for being blue all over…! I don't want that! Someone save me! …No this is useless. I should calm down at once. I want to go to a quiet place without people to cool my head… Ah, if Ortho was here, he could encourage me. Where did he go…

Courtyard

Idia: If only I didn’t fight with Riddle... And if I didn’t give Ortho false hope. What should I do now...

???: Is that Shroud I hear?

Idia: Hah?!

Malleus: So it is. How unusual.

Idia: M-Malleus…Why are you here?

Malleus: You mean since when? Hehe, I do not recollect seeing you since you became the dorm leader.

Idia: Malleus Draconia… The next ruler of the Valley of Thorns, the dorm leader of Diasomnia! Why is the Ultra SSR Character that is supposed to play the leading role in the ceremony here!?

Malleus: But to see you outside. What are you doing here?

Idia: Ah… I-I thought I would get some fresh air… just like you.

Malleus: I see, just like me. I understand, you needed a distraction.

Idia: A distraction?_

Malleus: Hm? You want a distraction, right? Looking at the scenery, feeling the atmosphere. Thinking about whatever. Relaxing.

Idia: Relaxing!? I-I can’t get even more anxious!

Malleus: Is that so? Then you should enjoy yourself more.

Idia: Enjoy myself!? …That's where I and you differ.

Malleus: Hm? What do you mean?

Idia: A, Ah, no… It's nothing. … But… But I made a promise with Ortho. I would wear these clothes and come today. That's why… Aah, but it's too scary…!

Malleus: By the way, why are you wearing those clothes?

Idia: Huh?

Malleus: Hm?

Idia: Uhm. Do you mean… they don't fit me? I, I-I, I… look strange after all.

Malleus: Hm. It's not like they don't fit you… but I have my questions. Actually, if you say it's strange, it might be strange.

Idia: Urgh…

Malleus: First of all, why did you promise to "go out" like this? It doesn't seem like a big deal.

Idia: I-It might not be a big deal for you, but for me…!

Malleus: Humans are sometimes awfully inconceivable. Oh well, that's interesting about them.

Idia: Inconceivable…

Malleus: No, I didn't mean to make fun of you. I'm very interested.

Idia: So… it's like this after all huh, I see what you're getting at! So you think I'm not capable of donning these beautiful clothes and appearing before a lot of people! Isn't that what you wanted to get at from the start?_ No matter how much I struggle, it's already confirmed that I'm on the dark route towards multiple bad endings, so it's useless. I-I, I-I-I, I'm…I'm…!

Malleus: Shroud? What happened?

Idia:… Ugh, it's nothing! It doesn’t matter!

Malleus: And there he went. What an awfully strange man. To think he wore his ceremony robes for a simple stroll. … But it has been very noisy since this morning. I wonder if something is happening…

Mirror Chamber

Idia (Tablet): Students of Ignihyde, please gather here…

Riddle: Heh. He did not come even after I gave him a good scolding… he is incompetent, after all. I worry for the students that have a dorm leader this unreliable. They have my most sincere sympathies.

Vil: Hah… he did it.

Ignihyde Dorm - Idia's room

Idia: It seems that the outdoors has nothing but events that torment me…  I should just confine myself and shut out all those useless earthly sounds! From the start, I differed from people like Malleus and other humans who have something I don't. How could I ever forget that. 

Idia: … Hm? But isn't this great? I noticed I couldn’t do it, before I went and made an enormous embarrassment of myself in front of the students… 

Idia: I see… I'm sure Ortho didn't want to expose everyone to his big brother's shameful sight. This is the best! Why, am I simply not the best! Didn’t I just auto-play myself into the best route~ 

Idia: Ortho is probably fully enjoying the entrance ceremony by himself right now. He was looking so much forward to it, after all. This is the best. … It really is.

[gerrydelano]

Not that I disagree with all of them being capitalist allegories in TMA, but how does Vast relate to capitalist allegory? I'm not trying to be bad faith, I just never pieced it together and would like your insight. Have a lovely day tho 🌼✨🌼

absolutely, sure thing! it’s honestly really easy to miss this kind of thing for some of the entities because we get so absorbed in the actual horror story being told, but honestly (and aptly so), the Capitalist Creature is so massive that there’s almost no way to actually jot down Every Single Expression of how it impacts literally everything and everyone, and that means that you could spend Forever kind of divying it up into a part-by-part system like smirke’s shitty taxonomy.

so! this is just going to be copy pasted from my unfinished meta document about how the anti-capitalist commentary created by these concepts actually can help us to kind of trace all the individual pieces back to the root through an allegory that we all understand. this is just rough notes, nothing polished!

g-d wow yeah i actually last edited this document an exact three months to the DAY that you sent this ask, so now i’m four months late with it, but this might actually inspire me to finally try and finish/release it. whew!

simply, first: the sheer concept of a billionaire. 

a billion of anything is not just The Next Step Up After A Million, like. a billion dollars is an inconceivable amount of money that no one person should ever have, much less be a multibillionaire.

hypocrisy among the avatars: simon in the great beast was pretty panicked about the idea of being killed. goes a little against the idea that everyone is insignificant, huh? he doesn’t apply those rules to himself, because for some reason, even after 500 years, he’s still got something in him to make him think he’s an exception, and to not want to die.

thinking you’re an exception while everyone else is expendable is Bad Fucking Form.

and there are a lot of people in very high places who feel exactly that way. it is  a MAJOR problem among the 1% and even other fucking rich people still under that, like. privileged people in these classes genuinely just think they’re that special and Above the likes of the working class, etc.

what are these billionaires DOING with their wealth? obviously nothing of worth, if they still have it. there is no way in the world to accumulate that much wealth ethically, the ONLY way that you can become That Wealthy is to fuck other people over and deem yourself more important than the Vast Majority.

which is both exactly what you’d expect from the vast (attributing insignificance to the world at large) and informs the form of hypocrisy that people who fuck around with it take (paradoxically applying importance to Themselves by default, even if they claim not to.)

new addition actually wow

for whatever reason now i’m also thinking about the people who cried “covid is a hoax” all year only to butt their way to the head of the line for the vaccine and posting all happy on their twitters about it like. you knew you had NOTHING to worry about you just didn’t care how many other people died! you actively pushed for people Less Important Than You to get LESS help during this pandemic, and are now calling first dibs on slurping up the resources because you ARE still scared of it, you DO acknowledge it’s deadly, you DO know you are still human and can still die from a disease, and so you’re placing yourself above others in a NEW way by just saying “oh, well, NOW it’s a threat (now that there’s a solution for me to grab.)”

So, Like, Fuck That Noise!

---

going back to a bit in the beholding section: the fact that we could sit and make jokes about our assigned FBI agents at all, like. that’s a seemingly harmless expression of real desensitization to the reality of how deep this all goes. technically, we could make jokes about everything i’ve listed here and be totally casual about it because we have gotten to a point where it’s just a part of life, and we have to cope somehow.

but a lot of people literally do not even see the problem anymore. and THAT is the problem.

it’s the nihilism aspect. getting to a point where you just do NOT care about other people at all. one of the scariest parts of the vast is eventually transcending into a state of mind where nothing matters at all; not in the sense that you no longer need anything, but that others do not and you do not care about tossing them somewhere to pay YOUR metaphysical bills.

looking at you, mike crew! i get it, dude, you’re doing your best. but the fact that you even have to do THAT is a testament to how FUCKED this stuff is.

THAT goes back to how the only way you can survive is by hurting other people. there’s no way to survive without it.

----

TW for a mention of transphobia here

the fact that employers do not see their staff as people, but rather expendable pieces in a greater machine.

the great beast, once again! is a very solid and HORRIFYING metaphor for the big, scary thing that is made up of COUNTLESS real, individual people all tied together in an inescapable knot, and if you let go? you’re dead. you’re going to be trampling other people while you’re there but if you let go, you’re dead! and you can try to help other people, but you’ll just get pulled down with them, and after a point, is it even worth continuing to try? 

how FUCKED is that, truly!

small anecdote but when i was fired because a transphobic coworker physically put her hands on me, i had to be interviewed about it. when i explained that i’d been chatting with another girl about changing my name while we were doing our duties packing some bags up, the manager was stuck on nothing but, “this conversation was had In My Store? While You Were On The Clock?” as if people can’t… multitask, or just don’t have conversations While working? in a fucking friendly’s? do you think we just live to talk about ice cream and mozzarella sticks and we cease being human beings because we’re clocked in? fucking hello?

the actual event itself wasn’t ~vast~ (but it sure was something lol) but the specific response of expecting people to just Stop Being People is so. the complete disregard of personhood is very vast. it overlaps with other ones (flesh in particular), but it can still be touched on through this lens, too.

----

i had more than this, and the document itself is currently like 5k words long and not even remotely done (if i release it it’ll be as a link TO the document not a tumblr post LMAO), but these are only a few examples of how the vast connects back to capitalism just as much as the more obvious ones like the desolation and the eye and everything. hope this helps! and thank you so much for being patient with me 🥺 much love to you, friend!

[obeymeluv]

Diavolo as a Dad

I just want to take a sec and thank everyone for the attention this blog gets. I’m always surprised at how many notes and reblogs there are. Seriously! I have, like, 16 posts and somehow I have 400 followers?! It’s really nice (つ´∀｀)つ

I like it best when there’s comments. It makes me happy ＼(^o^)／

I saw a comment on “The Bros as Dads” post asking for Diavolo as a dad, so here you go. I tried to tag you, but your handle didn’t come up :/

Hopefully you guys like this. I feel like Diavolo’s character is very vague.

This kind of turned into general Diavolo headcanons + Diavolo as a Dad. My b.

 General Diavolo Headcanons:

I headcanon that demons have a natural attraction to humans not only because of whatever energy they could provide, but because there’s something innate that makes them want humans. Maybe like an ancient call to their corruptibility or something. Or simply a predator coaxing prey into the den.

Diavolo is especially susceptible to this because he’s the prince. The higher up in the demon hierarchy you are, the more you want humans for their spirit, purity, the soul contract, and just some kind of satisfaction only they can give

There’s probably a forbidden fruit element to it, too. Demons were harassed by humans and angels alike to leave them be, and that just made them more attractive 

He genuinely wanted to befriend humans and knock down some old walls and superstitions, so he made the exchange program. A lot of times the sheer excitement of making it happen is enough to take the edge off his demon side. Ignore the whispers saying the little human would be such a treat, like a little lamb in the palm of his hand...

Diavolo’s a pretty outgoing and friendly guy who’s been trapped in a castle of propriety and demands. This human is also his chance at escape, to learn more than books could ever teach him.

At first he’s worried about seducing them (like the old call demands) but when he realizes the human has a crush on him without that influence, he’s stoked.

Pure and perfect, right? THE example of what his program was trying to achieve!

The dates start off innocent and cute--studying and tea in the castle, a small brunch here and there. Diavolo has skipped out on several duties because he simply must treat you to Devildom cuisine! If he didn’t, they wouldn’t get the full experience now, would they?

Barbatos has had to hunt down Lord Diavolo more than he cared for. If you end up convincing Diavolo back to the castle, he respects you. He appreciates the extra babysitter.

You bring a joy to Diavolo’s lavish monotony and he wants the Devildom and human world to know he’s serious about forging better bonds, so he asks if you want to make a pact.

That’s what he says, but it’s so much more than that. Diavolo couldn’t put it all into words and you probably don’t have the lifespan it would take for him to explain (if he could).

At most, there’s something warm and giddy and pulsing in him at the thought of being so close with you. Two souls sharing a bond. Being looked at with such love and adoration...

His pact mark is large and elaborate, and he takes great joy in hiding it from the Devildom, relishing the rare mornings where he helps you dress. He doesn’t regret bonding with you, but he doesn’t want to draw unsavory attention. 

Diavolo as a Dad (when you’re pregnant) :

You realize you’re pregnant before Barbatos and Diavolo do, neither one of them very familiar with how humans carry the pregnancy or change throughout.

There’s subtle signs about how your skin is changing, the way your hair looks, and how you smell different. It’s firing off in Diavolo’s brain, tickling at the edge of it, but he can’t figure out what it is.

Barbatos consulted Solomon and got extra suspicious. When you realize he’s starting to put it together, you do the reveal.

You write a note and draw a picture of the pregnancy test, mixing it up in the papers he has to review. Then, just to be extra cute, you busy yourself about the castle to “give him private time”.

Diavolo is handling his paperwork, per usual (it’s almost automatic). The unofficial form catches his eyes since it’s more a note than anything. He reads it and suddenly the WHOLE CASTLE is up in arms with joy.

Doesn’t matter what room you’re in, you heard him. That big, joyful laugh that works his whole chest.

The Little D’s of the castle are skittering around and whooshing through walls to help him find you. You can hear him flying around and calling for you, and it’s like the times you’ve played hide and seek.

The second Diavolo finds you, he crushes you to him and smothers you with kisses. His eyes sparkle as he snuggles you, big purr rolling through his chest. He’s asking a million questions about human children

The two of you take classes together. He studies up on humans and you learn about how to care for demon babies.

Barbatos cries inside at the thought of baby-proofing the castle. He gets the bright idea to hire a bunch of moms and they do sweeps of the castle, tidying up and making lists of what needs to be put away or added to make it safe

You’re given a special brew (exclusive to the royal family) and drink it daily. It fortifies your body to deliver the child and gives the baby its royal heritage (basically makes sure Diavolo’s genes and the demon side comes out a bit stronger).

Even though it tastes good and something in it makes you want to drink it, you’re sick of it by the second month. Barbatos and Diavolo continue to insist that you do. The child should be at least half-demon and will need to be recognized as next-of-kin for ruling.

Diavolo would love to take you out to socialize and attend public classes, but he’s busy and you’re in a delicate state. The royal physicians say the brew does a lot internally so it’s best not to stress you too much (If he’d done The King’s Brew ritual before you were pregnant, the baby would’ve been 3/4th demon and you wouldn’t have so many restrictions. Who knew?)

There’s a lot of private dates around the royal gardens and any beautiful sight he can give you. If you want company, he invites people to you. You want exquisite food? Barbatos can cook, but if you don’t want his cooking then Diavolo can have it delivered. The castle is spacious enough for you to get your daily exercise with simple walks. 

He adores seeing you in the royal colors and is constantly sharing visions of diaphanous gowns and anything that can make you comfortable to the designers. Always gushes when he sees you in something new.

Being an old-fashioned demon prince, he does a series of small oil paintings instead of maternity photos. When you explain that maternity photos are more of a human thing, he books a session so the child can see both (the oil paintings are tasteful and appropriate for the castle but they all end up in his study).

Is totally on board with helping you dress (or laying in bed with your huge baby bump when clothes seem a bit hard for the next 5-10 minutes), and taking long, relaxing baths.

Takes his paperwork to bed so he can watch you sleep. You might snore, and the bed is almost comically huge, but you look so relaxed that Diavolo swears you lied to him about being purely human

His favorite thing to do is rub ointments and tinctures on your belly to help your skin. Loves to give you shoulder kisses while he does.

When he finds out you’re having a boy, he commissions tiny matching outfits. He doesn’t know if he wants to gush over the details or cry (”Barbatos, how inconceivably tiny! Isn’t it amusing?”)

Diavolo as a Dad (for real) :

Has to be given very explicit instructions about age-appropriate play because the minute the kid is crawling Diavolo’s going to want to play with him like a toddler.

Lets him teethe on old antique gold stuff that gives Mammon an aneurysm when he realizes what the kid’s doing (and how expensive the thing is in his hands).

Had a treasure chest-style bassinet comissioned because his kid is his treasure. One of the two--two and a half, with Barbatos--greatest treasures in his castle.

100% uses the kids to shirk his royal duties, but you and Barbatos keep him on a tight leash. Literally. He has a coupon allotment for the week (if you didn’t do the coupon thing he’d NEVER get any work done).

He LIVES for the skin-to-skin contact and is very disappointed when he has to put clothes back on for guests or meetings. He’s just doing what’s best for his son, okay?

That child is going to be spoiled AF. Always wanting to be held or next to his papa.

Diavolo isn’t allowed to do the chest carrier because he gets so excited about stuff he might sling the kid around on accident (Barbatos banned it after he held the baby through some paperwork and spent half the time playing with his feet).

Can never get over how tiny his son is, or how he can hold him in one hand. Somehow works it into every conversation.

Will work his kid into every conversation. Has pictures to go along with it.

His official Devilgram is 80% his kid or you (or both), 5% Barbatos, 5% other people, and 10% bad shots he doesn’t know how to delete.

Almost all of his Devilgram videos were taken by Barbatos because Diavolo absolutely loses it when the baby speaks gibberish. He dies laughing and just can’t hold it together. The video is just shaky and blurry otherwise. 

You’d think every time he sees him is the first time because Diavolo is so smitten and amazed

The Little D’s of the castle are always giggling to themselves and racing to tell you that they caught Diavolo peppering kisses on his little baby forehead or fists.

He’s a really involved and happy dad. Childlike and joyful by nature, he’s super invested in his kid. Sometimes it’s like you have two, but Diavolo means well.

Decent at all reverse psychology ploys. Kid doesn’t want mommy’s affection? More for him! Kid’s not hungry? He’ll eat it, then (and the dessert that they totally can’t have now)!

Can’t really discipline. Feels too guilty. Threatens the child with Barbatos or you.

Is really surprised when the kid has a ‘mom day’ where it seems like he doesn’t exist but totally understands (”Your mom has that affect on me, too.”)

Hope you liked it :)