#it makes me want to explode in frustration
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A Medical Emergency
Here is a new Dad! Evan Buckley imagine I had an idea for after watching the new season. I hope you will all like this.
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Evan Buckley Masterlist
Summary: When Evan's son isn't well he comes down to the station for help. The team try and keep him out the way of their new Captain; Gerrard doesn't like family visits. And Evan starts to argue with him.
Enjoy.
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"I can't do this."
With a shake of his head, Evan clenched the cloth in his fist until the material felt like it was starting to fall apart at the seams and the threads became stuck between his fingers. He could feel his insides bubbling up with frustration and it was making the blood thunder to his face and pool beneath the surface.
He couldn't carry on like this. Evan couldn't continue under this insolant man's reign of terror. He had no idea how Hen, Chimney and Tommy had lasted so long when Gerrard used to be in charge. He couldn't fathom how they had managed to hold their tongues and do as they were told when Gerrard felt the need to be so cruel and needlessly harmful to them.
After the first week, Evan was ready to throw hands. Three months in and he was about to explode.
"Come on, Buck. Head down, do the job and head home." Eddie patted his hand against Evan's shoulder, but it didn't do much good.
"It's not the work, I can handle scrubbing the toilet until I can see my reflection, I don't care what job he makes me do anymore. It's the way he speaks to everyone. I 'pout' and I'm insubordinate. He's harassing us and that's sweet-talk."
It was Gerrard's mannerism and his snide remarks that Evan couldn't handle. He couldn't cope with hearing their Captain degrade every single person because he felt it made him better than them.
He constantly beat down any ideas they had but then took the credit for himself. He told them whatever they did wasn't good enough. He was racist. He was sexist and homophobic and there was nothing they could do to stop him from making remarks to them all because no one listened. The amount of complaints they put in against him didn't do a thing because the Chief seemed to think they were ganging up to break the ranks.
Nothing worked, and Evan couldn't cope.
Twisting his head from left to right, Harvey timidly looked around the environment that had become a second home to him over the years. He scoured his eyes around the station, searching high and low for the one person he wanted to see.
While his hands raked up and down his exposed arms with his elbows pinned into his waist and his forearms imbedding into his stomach like he was trying to apply enough pressure to feel his insides. He could feel his nails puncturing through the skin on his arms and it gave him that satisfying burn as he dragged them up and down his arms, raking flakes of skin beneath his nails along with small droplets of blood.
His tired eyes finally latched onto someone familiar and he tried his best to smile, despite the overall unease rattling through him.
"Uncle Chim." His head twinged to the right when a jolt ran down his neck and he winced, hissing at the feeling of his pulse throbbing in his neck. He could feel a nerve twitching down his neck and it felt like his veins were all trying to jump out of his skin.
"Hey kid. What- uh, what're you doing here?" Chimney hurriedly glanced his eyes around the station before he jogged over to his nephew.
This wasn't a good idea.
Since the moment Gerrard had replaced Bobby as Captain, no family or friends had come down to the station on visits. When Bobby was in charge, families were welcomed and encouraged to stop by, especially if they needed anything or there was some kind of emergency.
But with Gerrard in charge, they were all told to abstain from the station. Even taking phone calls was hard for the team with their Captain watching every move they made.
Evan didn't let his family come by the station now Gerrard was in charge, and Chimney didn't want the Captain to see the thirteen year old here. He wouldn't put it past Gerrard to try and talk to Harvey and make him uncomfortable or say something he shouldn't to him.
"Where's dad?" Harvey did another sweep of the station before he dropped his hands from his arms and moved to scratch the side of his neck instead.
He could feel his heart skipping a beat or two, adding palpitations into his rhythm that was becoming unbalanced. He needed to see his dad. He needed to talk to him. Harvey knew he had been told not to swing by the station for a while, but he needed help and his dad always said to find him if he needed anything.
Chimney glanced around while his hands gripped his hips. He couldn't see Evan anywhere, and he wasn't sure where he had scuttled off to after mopping the floors for a third time this shift.
"He's here somewhere. You okay?" When he glanced down to Harvey's exposed arms, he found himself frowning and taking a step closer. His arms were scratched to ribbons; again.
"I need dad."
Harvey's head ticked to the right again when he felt his pulse jump and he ground his teeth together, hissing while he stomped his foot against the polished floor. He didn't feel well. He needed to find and talk to his dad. He needed someone to help him.
"Let's go find him." Reaching out, Chimney looped his arm around Harvey's shoulders and reeled his nephew under his arm while he guided him further into the station. Hopefully he could get him to Evan without Gerrard spotting them and making a big scene out of this.
Harvey gripped the bag on his shoulder and aimed his head down as they walked. He let his uncle steer him in the right direction, being led hopefully towards his dad.
Chimney tilted his head back and pointed towards the locker room ahead when he saw both Eddie and Evan who looked like they were in the middle of a rather heated debate. But he stopped dead in his tracks when an all too familiar sight caught his attention to the left. Gerrard walking down the stairs.
The Captain hadn't spotted them yet and Chimney used that to his advantage. His hands moved to Harvey's shoulders and he quickly pushed the young boy ahead of him and steered him into the locker room to the point Harvey was tripping over his feet and his head started to spin.
"Chim-"
Evan felt his heart drop to his stomach when he looked between Eddie and Chimney before his eyes latched onto his son.
Why was Harvey here? Why was he at the station when Evan specifically told (Y/n) and the kids they couldn't come down here? He made it clear he didn't want them around Gerrard, even if he didn't specifically tell Harvey that the new Captain was an ass. He didn't want his boy to worry, but he certainly didn't want him around Gerrard either.
"Harvey, what are you doing here?" The stern tone in Evan's voice made Harvey cringe and push back into Chimney.
He glanced his eyes between them all before he looked up at his dad with unease in his eyes that were on the verge of watering. He watched his dad look to the watch strapped to his wrist before frowning at him.
"You should be at basketball practice-"
"Dad, it… it's happening again."
Evan's shoulders dropped and he looked through the glass to try and see if Gerrard was around. He would come straight into the locker room if he knew that they were all in here and he thought they were gossiping or coming up with ideas instead of doing whatever task he assigned to them. Evan did not want Gerrard coming in here and talking to Harvey.
He looked at Chimney and pointed to the door. "Make sure Gerrard doesn't come in here, please."
With a nod of his head, Chimney twisted and moved back to the station floor. He would stand guard, as it were, and make sure Harvey didn't have to see the Captain or witness anyone being degraded and told off.
Eddie placed one hand on his hip and leaned the other arm against the locker, slouching to the side while he watched Evan reach out for Harvey.
He guided his boy to the bench and sat him down before he crouched down in front of him. The adrenaline sparking through Evan's body had him on the verge of shaking as he looked up at his son, waiting a little impatiently to be told what was going on.
School had finished, but Harvey was usually at basketball practice three times a week after school, and today was one of those days. Maisie would be in a book club after school too which made it easier for (Y/n) to pick them up after work. Harvey could walk home alone if he wanted to, but he never just turned up at the station like this unless something was wrong.
"I- I forgot my meds this morning, mum brought them to school for me… dad, it itches so bad, and my heart's doing that thing again."
Harvey gritted his teeth and tilted his head back, giving his dad access to his neck to feel his jumping pulse.
Evan pushed up on his heels and cupped his son's neck in his hands so he could press his fingers over his pulse. He stayed quiet as he counted the beats in time with the quiet ticking of his watch to check the beats per minute. Harvey was right, he was starting to have palpitations and his pulse was higher than normal.
When Evan looked down at Harvey's arms, he winced. Deep scratches littered both arms and he could see Harvey had been scratching his neck and around his collar too.
"You've had your meds though?"
"Hm." He nodded his head and sank his teeth down into his lip. He did his best to keep his hands on his lap, but he couldn't resist from trying to rake his nails up and down his arms. The result was Evan clamping a hand around his wrist and holding it down against his thigh.
"Don't make it worse-"
"It hurts." The small whimper Harvey let out made Evan's lips curve into a grimace.
"I know, but scratching doesn't help." Evan ran his hand up and down his jaw before he pushed to his feet and moved over to his locker. If he remembered correctly, he had some of Harvey's things in his back pack that he brought to work with him. Evan kept them in there for when they went out playing basketball on the weekends and for emergencies before or after school.
Bobby used to let Evan drop things off at school for Harvey if needed or he let him go pick him up if he wasn't well.
"Alright, take one of these and some painkillers. If the palpitations get worse your mum will have to call out of hours when you go home."
Evan handed over one of the emergency medications they had for Harvey and two painkillers, along with a bottle of water. And he fished the skin cream out his bag that would soothe the scratches he had created up and down his arms.
He took a seat on the bench beside Harvey and began putting the cream on the marks, wincing every time his boy took a sharp breath or his arms twitched in Evan's hold. He watched Harvey chug the tablets with the bottle of water that had been beside him on the bench. Once done, Harvey closed his eyes and tucked his face into his dad's chest while Evan looped an arm around the back of his shoulders.
"What's the plan? You wanna take him home?" Eddie looked over at Evan while he crossed his arms over his chest.
If Evan wanted to go take Harvey home, Eddie would cover for him so he could take him without telling Gerrard what was going on. He would gladly come up with some excuse and say Evan was out back working on the ambulance that was out of commission or say he was taking a shower. Eddie would come up with something.
"I don't know… I can message your mum, Harv, tell her to swing by here and get you before she picks Maisie up from school. But you'll have to go wait in the jeep."
Evan wasn't sure what to do.
He started to run his hand up and down Harvey's arm while he felt his boy cling to him and inch into his chest more like he was trying to merge them into one person.
He wanted Harvey to stay here like he usually would, but that wasn't an option anymore. Not with Gerrard in charge.
Evan couldn't let Harvey walk home alone, not when he wasn't feeling well and was prone to loss of energy. He could trip, get into an accident, collapse, anything could happen to him. Evan wouldn't let him leave here alone, he was scared at the thought of Harvey walking from the school to the station in this state.
But if he stayed, they would have to hide him and make sure Gerrard didn't bump into him at any point until (Y/n) could pick him up. The only other options were Evan walking Harvey back to school as it was only round the corner, so he could wait for (Y/n) to pick him and Maisie up. If Evan took him home, it was a guarantee that Gerrard would find out and Evan would be kept late or given some sort of punishment.
And Evan was in the mood to start a fight, he wouldn't take much more of Gerrard's criticism.
"Pops let me stay last time." Harvey lifted his head to look back at his dad through squinted eyes that showed he was having a dip in his energy levels. He felt like lying down and going to sleep.
"I know, but he isn't here anymore, and I can't have you around our new Captain right now."
"Why? I've not done anything wrong, have I?" The sudden panic in his tone made Evan sigh.
He leaned over and kissed the top of Harvey's head and moved his hand up from his arm to cradle the side of his son's neck instead. He reeled him back into his chest and hugged him while he glanced up at Eddie who was raking his hand up and down his chin and neck, trying to think how to help.
"Buddy that's not what I'm saying I swear. Our Captain isn't like Bobby… I'll text your mum and you can wait in the jeep, okay?"
It was the best Evan could do. He wasn't about to let Harvey head home on his own, it was safer to keep him here until (Y/n) could come and pick him up. And he knew she wouldn't be long before she would have to get Maisie anyway so she would be here soon once Evan texted her.
The car park was round the back of the station, it was sectioned off and secluded and safe.
Unravelling himself, Evan got up and got his phone from his locker to send a quick message to (Y/n). He stuffed his phone back in his pocket to be safe and when he turned round, he held his arm out towards Harvey and beckoned him closer.
"Let's get you outside." Eddie clapped his hand down on Harvey's shoulder with a smile. He had been friends with Evan for long enough to be like another uncle to Harvey.
He had taken Harvey out with Chris, he slept over at Eddie's place often enough that they felt like family. He knew why Harvey was here and what was wrong with him, and he sympathised. Often in the past Harvey had waited at the station after school or on days when he had to have hospital appointments and it had never been an issue.
Gerrard wouldn't see it like Bobby did, though. He didn't care about families and he wouldn't make any effort to try and help or understand.
Eddie stuffed both hands into his pockets and walked alongside Evan who had Harvey in front of him and both hands protectively placed on his son's shoulders. Every few seconds he leaned down to kiss Harvey's temple and when he felt his son take a sharp breath, he moved his hand to cup the side of his neck to check his pulse. Another palpitation.
"And who do we have here?"
A shiver rolled down Evan's spine and his hands tightened round his son's shoulders when he heard that grating voice that always managed to rile him up. He knew if Gerrard ever gave him a compliment without any snide remark attached, Evan would keel over in shock.
His jaw ground tight and his brows furrowed down as his nose crinkled in distaste. Goosebumps bristled on his exposed skin and he watched Harvey tilt his head back into his dad's chest to look up at him. Panic was written across his face and it made Evan angry. His son shouldn't have to feel panicked about coming down to the station, especially when he was ill and here for a legitimate reason.
Evan turned on his heels as slowly as possible, retracting his hands from Harvey's shoulders in the process. He reached out and carefully pushed his son to stand behind him while he tilted his head back and straightened his frame, squaring his shoulders as if preparing for a fight. In some ways, he supposed he was.
"My son." Evan kept his arm stretched out behind him with his hand on Harvey's arm. He was relieved when Harvey didn't make an attempt to peer round him and try to see the new Captain. He could tell his dad was uneasy and he didn't want to get involved.
"Right. I didn't realise we were running a daycare service now, Buckle."
That was a new one and it took all of Evan's effort not to roll his eyes. Since Gerrard started, he found it rather easy to wind Evan up and he had yet to call him by his actual name. The first time he called him something other than Buckley, Evan responded by calling him 'Gerry'.
Needless to say he had been on cleaning duty for two weeks after that.
"Neither did I, sir." Evan kept his shoulders squared and the unamused expression stayed plain on his face. He relished in the way Gerrard's lip curled and he held his head up, still no match for Evan's height.
"What's he doing here?"
"He came for medical attention, sir. Once my wife arrives she'll take him home." Evan squeezed Harvey's arm and kept him directly behind him, out of sight and reach of the vindictive Captain.
"Medical attention?" The crude laugh Gerrard let out made Harvey flinch and dig his hand into the back of his dad's shirt. "This isn't a hospital. Does he know that you're not insured to have him on the premises, and being here could put your job at risk?"
Evan felt Eddie's hand curling around his bicep to calm him down and prevent him from taking a lunge at their Captain. That would really risk his job, and he couldn't do that with Harvey here to witness it.
That wasn't fair.
He was clearly trying to rile Evan up at the same time as frighten his son, for no apparent reason other than it brought Gerrard a crude sense of glee.
"I don't see your logic, sir."
"What?"
"The department is insured for the public to come to the stations with emergencies, always has been. And since my son came here with a legitimate health issue, and I didn't bring him, then there's no liability."
Evan knew the rules. He read the handbook. He knew that the station had to be insured for a broad range of possibilities and the public were allowed to come to any station with whatever issues they had. Paramedics worked here and if someone had a medical emergency, the fire department were part of the health service and could provide that help.
Harvey came here for help, yes he wanted Evan's help, but he was here to get help nonetheless. They couldn't turn him away and Evan didn't bring him here or have him here because of childcare issues, so there was no risks involved and no liability claims to be made.
When he glanced his eyes across the station floor and saw Chimney stood to one side near the gym, Evan twisted to look at his son.
He twisted round and cupped the back of Harvey's head to kiss his temple. "Go wait with uncle Chim."
He felt Harvey grip his wrist and give a tight squeeze before he turned and wobbled on his feet, trying to hurry to get out of the commotion and over to Chimney. Evan watched him safely sit on the bench with Chimney before he dared to turn around and look back at his Captain who did not look impressed at being outsmarted.
Evan clasped his hands behind his back and stood straight, keeping a plain expression while he waited to be told off or receive yet more cleaning duties as punishment.
"What's the 'health issue'?" The air quotations made Evan's upper lip curl and he strove to stay calm while Eddie took a step to the side and hung back near the truck. He was keeping himself out of the conversation but close by in case anything happened.
"Hyper-thyroidism."
"Excuse me?"
"He has an overactive thyroid which controls hormones, it can give him heart palpitations so if he isn't well, he needs to be checked out. It's uncommon in kids his age."
Harvey's thyroid sent out too many hormones and signals to the rest of his body and the hormones controlled a lot of different things in the body. It wasn't common for young kids and teenagers to have this kind of issue which was why they had to keep a close eye on Harvey.
He suffered with an irregular heart rhythm at times, it caused excessive itching which was why he scratched his skin so badly. It affected his moods giving him bad mood swings, one moment he could be smiling and the next he felt like bursting into tears.
He had a lot of hyperactive bursts of energy but then some days he could barely climb out of bed, he felt so tired. The medication he took was to even out his levels and control the hormones he produced. But if he missed his medication or took it too late, his levels would become erratic like they had this morning.
If he wasn't well, Evan and (Y/n) had to keep an eye on him. They were always contacting the doctor regarding Harvey's medication and how he was affected.
It was why if he ever came over after an appointment or from school, Bobby was more than happy to let Harvey stay at the station. It stopped him from being alone and meant if he deteriorated, he had paramedics and family surrounding him to help.
"His age?" When Gerrard rose a brow, Evan bristled and muttered 'thirteen' under his breath. He didn't like the dark smirk that pulled beneath Gerrard's moustache. "So he's a hormonal teenager, no doubt due to hormonal teen parents-"
"He's a teen with a medical condition which you clearly don't understand."
The daring step closer Evan took towards Gerrard clearly unnerved the Captain who looked like he was trying to think of what else he could say that would rile him up. When Evan stepped closer, Eddie pushed off the truck and inched towards them. He wasn't ready to be a witness to a fight.
"Now listen here, Buck-"
"Evan?"
(Y/n) tightened her hand around her bag that was resting on her shoulder and leaned her head to one side when she looked ahead at her husband. She could see how he had his hands tightly clasped into fists behind his back. She noticed how tense his shoulders were and how he was straining his back.
The worried expression on Eddie's face was enough to make (Y/n)'s skin bristle and when she realised who Evan was standing so close to, she took a deep breath. If she had just interrupted a fight she was rather glad. The last thing they needed was Evan being suspended for fighting with his superior.
He turned on his heels, locking his eyes on his wife who was walking towards them slowly as if she didn't really want to step into the station and get into the middle of whatever was happening here.
When he looked back at Gerrard, he waited. He waited for the inevitable sound of Gerrard telling him he was now on cleaning duty once again. He waited to be told to clean the toilets until his reflection gleamed. He waited to be told he was being insubordinate and was going to get some form of a written warning.
Instead, Gerrard ran his hand up and down his chin and took a deep breath through his nose before he took a step away.
"Don't bring your kids down here again or you'll get a warning." It was a stalemate. Gerrard had been bested and there was nothing he could do today, right now, that would make Evan feel worse and he had no way to degrade him. He had no ground to stand on where Harvey was concerned.
Evan watched with a grinding jaw as Gerrard turned and pointed at Eddie, muttering for him to go and do something useful.
Just as Gerrard took one step away, Evan felt a wave of anger and protectiveness washing over him. He ran his hands up and down his trousers to ward off the anxiety flooding his system, but when Harvey flashed before his eyes, Evan shuddered.
"Then don't talk to me like that in front of my son."
Hurrying forward, (Y/n) wrapped her hands around Evan's bicep and gave him a sharp pull in her direction. She made him stumble on his back foot but he regained his balance quickly. He clamped his hand down on her hip, letting her keep his arm hostage against her chest while his other hand clenched into a fist at his side.
(Y/n) shuddered at the way Gerrard turned on his heels and stalked closer to them. He looked like a predator about to sink its teeth into its prey. She had never seen someone look at Evan like that with such an intense, hating glare before.
"What did you just say to me?" The authoritive tone in Gerrard's voice caught the attention of a few stragglers, hanging round under the pretence of working when they were really trying to watch the drama unfold.
"I think you heard me."
"Evan, let's not start a fight." (Y/n) pushed up on her toes to whisper in his ear before she glanced her eyes around. "Where's Harvey?"
"And who's this, what kind of 'services' does she provide?"
A shiver crawled down (Y/n)'s spine when she saw the way the Captain eyed her up and down. She didn't like what he was trying to imply, or the snide smile toying on his lips that made her want to back away. Her hands clenched around Evan's arm and she gasped when Evan tried to lunge forward.
Her face pressed into his arm and she tried her best to pull him back while Eddie jumped in the middle and slammed his hands down onto Evan's chest to push him back.
(Y/n)'s feet skidded against the floor and she gasped, pulling on Evan's arm when he continued to try and push against Eddie and pull out of her grip. He wanted to lunge. He wanted to throttle Gerrard for saying that.
How could he stand there and insult Evan's family and think he wouldn't do anything in retaliation? How could he think he would get away with that? Even if Evan got reprimanded for this, Gerrard would too when the Chief found out what he had been saying.
Twisting her head to the left, (Y/n) locked her eyes on Chimney who had both hands on Harvey's arms, holding the thirteen year old back from trying to hurry over to them. But (Y/n) could see the way Harvey was scratching at his neck and he was twitching and shivering. He was having his palpitations again.
"Evan- Evan please, Harvey isn't well. Please!"
She could of cried when Evan finally stopped fighting them both and stood firmly on his feet. His body paused, but he was reduced to trembling all over while he looked over in Harvey's direction.
He shook off Eddie's hands and stepped back into (Y/n), reaching behind him to uncurl her hands from his arm. He took a second to kiss her temple, breathing into her hair to try and calm himself down and give his mind something to focus on other than the Captain that was enraging every one of his senses right now.
Evan's hands moved to (Y/n)'s arms and he walked her back a few paces, wanting to be as far away from Gerrard as possible. He felt her hands reach up to grip his biceps, but she visibly shivered and pushed into him when she realised Gerrard was stalking closer to them.
"I need to take him home," (Y/n) looked up at Evan before she looked towards Harvey who had pulled out of Chimney's grip and was hurrying over to them. He didn't like this. He wanted to go home. (Y/n) wanted to take her eldest home, and she still had to go to school and pick Maisie up.
"Nobody's going anywhere. If this is a medical emergency, then he can get examined here…"
Whatever Gerrard said afterwards went in one ear and out the other for Evan. He looked over his shoulder, watching with an increasing sense of dread and hatred as Gerrard bypassed them and stalked closer to Harvey. Was he really going to try and make Harvey stay? Who did he think he could get to examine him? Evan wasn't letting anyone near his son, he was going home with (Y/n) and that was the end of it.
He had no idea what Gerrard was about to do and he didn't want to find out. He could feel (Y/n) letting go of his arms to try and follow the Captain but Evan pushed her behind him as if they were in a race and he was going for the head start.
"No you're not-"
Evan didn't know what made him look. He didn't know why he glanced his eyes from staring straight ahead of him to look towards the left where the open doors were blocked with work men who had been here all week. He didn't know why he darted his eyes away from his Captain who was aiming for his son who was trying to hurry towards Evan. But when he did, a bolt of lightening struck his heart.
His upper half leaned forward and his feet skidded against the floor as he pelted forward.
His left arm reached out and smashed into Gerrard and his shoulder hit the Captain dead centre in the middle of his back.
Evan opened his right arm and bound it like a rope around Harvey's waist, not caring about the way his son shrieked in confusion and panic. All he cared about was getting them both down to the ground.
His boots skidded along the newly mopped floor and he slammed his body down, snapping his eyes closed when he felt the collision incoming. He could feel Harvey's hands clutching at his arm and shoulder which were pinned across his chest. He could feel Harvey yelping in agony when the pair of them hit the floor and he knew all the air had been whacked out of his son's chest.
(Y/n) couldn't help the scream she let out, despite the way she brought her hands up to cover her mouth in shock. Her body stumbled back and she noticed Eddie doing the same, stumbling as if they had both been struck by an invisible hand.
One of the blade wheels from the machinery outside broke loose. It pelted through the air like a boomerang and when it imbedded into the bonnet of the truck, (Y/n) choked.
Her feet moved before she could register the action and she bolted across the floor, feeling Hen and Eddie close at her side while Chimney ran from the other direction.
"Are you okay?!" (Y/n) slammed down to her knees beside Evan, reaching her hands out for his arms to help reel him up. She clutched at him so tightly she was starting to pierce her nails through his skin, but she couldn't let go. Her chest pressed into his back once Evan pushed up onto his knees, reeling Harvey up along with him.
"Jesus Buck, I think you saved them."
"Harvey, buddy are you okay?"
Evan could barely breathe when he looked down at his son. He didn't spare the Captain at his side one glance. His breaths began to run away without him as he cupped Harvey's face in his hands and tilted his head from side to side while he looked him over.
"Are you hurt?" Evan could barely find his voice or the will to breathe as his wild eyes scoured every inch he could to see if the blade had caught Harvey anywhere or made so much as a scratch on him.
He felt (Y/n) loop her arms around him while she perched her chin on his shoulder when Harvey shook his head, despite the headache he now had.
The thirteen year old gently shifted his dad's hand so he could feel the jumping vein in his neck. His heartbeat was becoming uneven again and it was starting to hurt, but he wasn't surprised.
His dad had just rugby-tackled him to the floor.
His dad was heavy; Evan was more than double Harvey's weight and size and he had bashed him into the floor so fast that Harvey knew he would have bruises littering his back tomorrow. But he couldn't have been happier about his dad's fast reflexes. He would take bruises over a blade imbedded in him any day.
He looped his arms around Evan's neck and pushed forward, burrowing into his dad's chest while he felt his mum's arm curve around his back so she could hold them both.
"You just saved Cap's life." Hen glanced over at Evan who finally spared a look down at Gerrard. The elder man was laid on his back, seemingly half-conscious with a growing puddle of blood beneath him. He has still gotten hurt somewhere, somehow, but Evan had saved him from being sliced apart.
He saved him from sudden death.
#evan buckley#911 imagine#imagine#evan buckley x reader#evan buckley imagine#buck x reader#buck imagine#eddie diaz#chimney han
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i feel like 95% of my worries just wouldnt exist if i wasnt so lonely and forced by circumstance to only regularly talk to people that make me feel worse (my parents)
#i hacent lived with them for almost 4 years! unfortunately they still control my life in some ways#it makes me want to explode in frustration#loneliness is so awful i cant do this anymore its so bad i need to see a friend or i will wither away omg#personal#sage posting
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Fiddauthor doodles
*leaves this politely on the floor and scurries away*
yeah. enjoy ^_^
#THEY MAKE ME ILL WHAT THE SHIT#I AM GOING TO EXPLODE#fiddauthor#fiddleford mcgucket#fiddleauthor#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#ford pines#gravity falls fiddleford#stanford pines#gravity falls#normal about them.#the first occurs in the comic btw.#doomed yaoi#no because ford get your head in the game. there’s a married man that wants you more than he wants anything else.#I’m just as oblivious as him though. I can’t be talking.#also fiddleford how does it feel spending all your college years hopelessly pining for your roommate#and feeling frustrated with the lack of romantic progression because neither of you can read signals for shit#so when you inevitably don’t amount to anything and are forced to just ignore anything that may have ever existed between you two#you spitefully get hitched and have a kid to prove to yourself that you’re a) straight and b) not just some loser coward#but all along you’ve just known he was the right one for you. nobody could ever compare to what he gave you#everyone else has simply acted as a replacement or substitution for what you felt for him. you can’t shake the feeling ever.#and when years later you get a call from him you justify immediately leaving to work on the project as a) your entitlement to him and b)#a desperate and hopeless attempt at rekindling your college days#HOW DOES IT FEEL FIDDLEFORD
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hey
#so i've been dealing with some irl stuff recently#nothing too bad. it was just really frustrating and exhausting for me. and really putting a damper on my mood and my art#and i'm sorry if i've been acting a little weird or not saying too much or anything#or if i've been kinda inactive for the past few days#but i'll be okay!#i just wanted to let you guys know what's been kinda going on#i'm slowly working on something really sweet involving Hugo and Noa. so that's been making me feel better#i need something happy and soft between them lol#also! I've been playing The Quarry recently!#the writing is kinda stupid and almost all of the characters act like they don't have a brain. but that's what makes it so fun!#and i'm pretty sure the devs did that intentionally. to make it seem more like a campy monster flick#i'm really enjoying it so far! the werewolves are really cool!#also it's really funny to me how they just pop like balloons whenever they're transforming#i thought it was gonna be a slow transformation. but no. their skin just immediately explodes off#and then they somehow get it all back when they turn back into humans? idk how that works but it's pretty rad#also also! the thing with the tarot cards is really cool!#i missed a lot in the beginning because i didn't know what i was looking for#and the fortune teller lady in between chapters kept getting mad at me for not finding any#but i eventually started to get it! when the game decided to really put one in my face in chapter 3 lol#and the thing with the tarot cards representing the different characters in the game got me thinking about what card Noa would probably be#i think Seven of Swords would be right up her alley#because it's associated with deception. dishonesty. betrayal. and acting strategically#and it could also signify self-deception and confessions. which is all very true for her character#aaahh now i wanna make a tarot card design for her!#but that's an idea for another day#anyway sorry for sorta rambling a bit#i hope you all are doing okay
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Need to vent momentarily so uh…
Had a giant fight with my mom this morning about admiring Elon Musk or Donald Trump just because they’re “successful” which also evolved into her again critiquing her own children and how I pointed out that the shit she says about us can be hurtful, even when she insists she’s trying to be “encouraging.”
I won’t go into detail about it because my family issues are insane sometimes—but I wanted to add this context because maybe I still have some leftover frustration and rage from that, and I guess because I’ve experienced another weeks and weeks’ pile-up of sinophobia, and I’m also overwhelmed by how awful the world is right now with the continued genocide of Palestine but also the rise in normalization of right wing politics, but I saw something today that just added to the frustration because God I hate how people can’t see “the Other” in a less prejudiced light.
It’s not a big deal but saw some sinophobia today that with my poor mood didn’t help exactly:
Basically, there’s a short from a year ago about Chinese celebrities being snubbed at international events to the point that one of them (Liu Yifei) got cut off from a group photo and how another (Zhang Yuqi) got asked to get off the red carpet because they assumed she wasn’t a guest despite her being all dressed up.
The comments are all bullshit like “well they work for the CCP right? So they deserve to be ignored” or “why are you stirring up drama? Just because they’re famous in China doesn’t mean they’re famous internationally” or “haha a taste of China’s own medicine.”
Like oh my God, shut up.
These are international events. Why are you acting like snubbing an international guest isn’t worthy of critique? Just because you hate the country’s politics?? In that case, if you don’t even recognize the celebrity, how do you even know if they work for the oh-so-evil CCP???
It’s always “I don’t hate the Chinese; I just hate their government” until it comes to actual Chinese people because then your poor brain just assumes Chinese people are an extension of their government. You think these celebrities work for the government just by simply existing?? How? Do you think they pay their wages to the CCP or some shit???
Kpop fans mentioned for years that kpop celebrities were snubbed at international red carpets until recently. Why the hell don’t fans of Chinese celebrities get to point it out then?
#kuku vents#I know this isn’t that important#but sometimes it’s the minute things that get to you…you know?#there is bigger sinophobia stuff right now like how people think the recent 35 dead in China after a man drove a car into a crowd#is being covered up by the government#but that big sinophobia stuff is all stuff you expect#this littler instance of sinophobia is frustrating because it shows how normalized sinophobia is to the point it penetrates#these seemingly less important things#why should ‘people don’t deserve to be snubbed’ be a controversial take?? just because they’re Chinese???#also I am admittedly in a really poor mood#I think I fell into depression in October#and I finally kicked it a lot more than usual yesterday to do some cleaning and other productive stuff#but then I had the fight with my mom which made me feel like shit#we fought until the topic moved onto something less hurtful and explosive#but it genuinely made me explode for a while#and I haven’t exploded in some time because I try to avoid conflicts with my mom now and to keep her happy#but I’m the only one at home with her now so I have to put up with her attitude and temper#and I feel a lot of pressure overall from my family to ‘do well’ despite my interests being ‘less useful’#and my family still has other issues too that makes the pressure worse#I don’t even want to vent about my current personal issues anywhere (not with my friends or even my diary) because it’s that stressful#I genuinely don’t even want to think about it#I just kind of feel like I’m going insane
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Vani writing tips + personal thoughts that noone asked for but you will be hearing
1: longer is Not always better. If youre telling a story, then your audience doesnt need 3 pages worth of side material. If youre writing to genuinely draw in an audience and tell a story then you need to not treat it like a game where the goal is to get the highest wordcount possible. You should be treating yourself And your audience with respect and making sure the words you use make an impact rather than trying to fill empty space. Brevity is your friend
2: if you need to make a clarification that your work doesnt endorse what your protagonist is doing, or needs to clarify that the protagonist is a Bad Person, then youre not mature enough to be writing that material. At best it shows that you dont understand the nuances of writing villain protagonists, and at worst it looks like you think your audience is too stupid to understand that saying slurs is a bad thing.
3: you cannot attempt to break the rules of writing if you dont understand them in the first place. You arent douglas adams. You arent Mark Danielewski. You need to stop and learn how to use a semicolon and a hyphen and how different words help describe things before you try to make a thousand word 'stray from traditional storytelling' . At the very least learn the basics from a youtube video
4: YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO WRITE DIALOGUE EVEN IF ITS BAD. You cannot dodge around dialogue by just having back and forth phrases in quotation marks. And no marker you use to differentiate speakers is going to be anywhere close to just using "he said" or even "he yelled". Youre robbing yourself of crucial storytelling materials. Even if you dont want to learn every part of how to write you Need to learn how to do dialogue or your entire story is going to crumble
#vani verbals#reblogs turned off just cuz i dont feel like seeing this shared everywhere.#peoples opinions on what good writing tips are vary and i dont want someone adding onto or subtracting from my points#but these are just basic things that i notice early writers do. none of it is bad. and you get better with practice#but at the same time. as a reader some of these things really frustrate me. i dont like reading a 10k fic that couldve been 4k if it wasnt#full of random shit that doesnt belong there. i dont like struggling to read 'dialogue' because the person who wrote it doesnt know how#i dont like having a characters actions explained to me because the author assumes im a tiktok using 14 year old who doesnt know what#nuance or critical thinking are. new writers need to understand that even as a new writer there are things they need to do to make their#audience enjoy the work. again im all for new writers! i love it! but you need basic knowlege /with/ that practice yknow#AAANYWAY . just some of my thoughts#feel free 2 leave ur takes in the replies btw i want 2 hear what u guys think. just not in a reblog where it could explode and get annoying
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being pelted with drawing ideas at a pace so rapid I could not hope to keep up with is both an inspiring blessing and a horrible curse
#Venting in tags#I can't draw five different things at the same time brain PLEASE slow down I am going to explode#or just not go to bed today so that I can draw all of these in rapid succession#Other nuzzle comic + microwave + new pfp and banner + new ref/pinned for twt + pinned thread for tmblr + three tmblr quotes-#+ all the posts on twt and tmblr I meant to draw smth for and then got too sick to do so at the time + the funny things people-#have left in my rbs that I want to draw + the dozen posts in my ask box + the like 10 freenoodles comics/animation-#Ideas I have saved on notepad in my phone + all of the other things I've forgotten at the moment that will inevitably come back-#to hit me like a brick at 2 am tonight. help.#Turns out that being a.) Unable to draw for a month and b.) Being incapable of doing almost anything else except laying in bed-#Thinking about freenoodles over the same period of time are a terrible combination!! for me this is great for everyone else#I am so overwhelmed- happy!! Having freenoodles on the brain and being able to draw again is making me very happy!!#But I hate that I can't draw all this RIGHT NOW it's gonna take me foreverrrrrrrr to get through this list aughhhhhaaaaahhahhhgggg#This turned into a vent post on accident woops sorries#Not very serious- mostly made to write down all of the aforementioned ideas in the tags so I don't forget them#Frustrated but I stay silly- have a cookie for getting this far •v• >🍪
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“All that I've been taught // And every word I've got // Is foreign to me” — Hozier, Foreigner’s God
Aka "nooo dont grieve the life you spent running away from everything and wish you could go back to that life of uncertainty, where you constantly wonder if you can survive another day, rather than stand in the middle of a civil war which has nothing to do with you, you're so cool and sexy you're literally the mythical hero of a land where everyone detests your kind ahahahh"
A silly drawing of my Bosaltmer Dovahkiin, Baltana :))
I fiddled with her design a little, aka i added a different facial tattoo (which mirrors Lynwallyn's because hehe they're twins)
-> a companion piece to this older drawing of Lynwallyn
(Alternative version under the cut; possible eyestrain warning)
#oh tana we're really in it now#oc: baltana#i love me a reluctant hero <3 so thats what she essentially is#like imagine being a nobody your entire life then later become an assassin whose main deal is to be a silent executor#so she's really used to not being noticed and then bam. the whole province knows about her and she has these weird powers#that can make people explode and stuff. not to mention they all hope she was someone different & keep forcing their dreams and hopes#on her when she literally did not ask for any of it. suddenly her name opens a lot of doors and grants her so many contacts but she sees#through everyone's smile and knows they're full of shit. she's everything they hoped the dovahkiin not to be and yet.#she wants to belong so bad but her entire existence is just contrary yo everyone's beliefs. and it hurts so so much but she doesn't let#it consume her nor convince her to use her powers to destroy everything. she saves a world she cares very little about and doesn't even get#proper recognition for it which makes her so frustrated but yknow. what can you do#in the end it's better for her to be remembered as something entirely different than what she actually was bc ironically it means#the real her becomes forgotten. goes unnoticed#so yeah. no i cant make a normal happy character why do you ask#long tags#digital art#stellar.artz#stellar.ocs#tesblr#skyrim#skyrim tes#skyrim dragonborn#dovahkiin
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rips my poor little meow meow out of this story and out of this relationship with my teeth and carries him away to a dark corner where i can groom him like a kitten and hiss at people who don't Get him
#im going to explode [REDACTED] with my mind. manifesting. i'll take out every [REDACTED] ever if that's what it takes#good luck listening to any [REDACTED] ever again i'm taking them down i'm obliterating them all if i can't have fun no one can#things that i take too seriously that are absolutely not that serious no.45#but. good christ this is too much i thought it was OVER#i thought i could be FREE i thought the blacklist tag would SAVE ME#BUT NO !!! HELL FIRE SHIT BITCH#it's really not that deep i understand. i'm a reasonable rational adult. but i'm listening to my long-lost inner 10-year-old boy this year#and he says he wants to run over [REDACTED] with his hot wheels. so.#need a blab tag for my new internet name ig uhhhhh#aster chat#i will not be posting about this btw insofar as i can restrain myself. i'm not making a bitching tag about it#i'm just very very. well. frustrated
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Ngl tga has always had some sorta really fuckin bizarre bias to "kids' games" like Mario and Sonic because both BotW and Metroid Dread are more realistically looking and "adult" than say Pokémon or D.K. and they're the only real ones that got nominated for something that wasn't the family's game category or something low-key, meanwhile (besides last year's goty thankfully) most of the games that get awards are ones that focus on realism and gritty boring story telling. But for Sonic's case especially, who's reputation has been tarnished for years by some let's players and ngl some specific fandubs that made it seem like a joke to have serious storytelling, was especially biased against. Especially since they literally have THE lead singer of Sleeping with Sirens, as well as a bunch of experimental music ranges but still focusing on the rock Sonic has been associated with for so long, yet wasn't even nominated for that. Like seriously??? No offense to the composers but I can guarantee only 20% of people would know a song right from the get-go from the entirety of the gow franchise, meanwhile even non-sonic fans know Green Hill. Escape from the City??? Do I even need to mention Live & Learn?! god I'm sorry for flooding your inbox but I'm like. Actually pretty heated over the blatant disrespect to the Sonic devs that's been going on for too long
yeah i cant help but notice it too people are so biased against sonic like every time some new sonic thing comes out and its good people go "wow this wasnt absolute dogshit like i was expecting it to be!" or "that was pretty good! you know.. for sonic". and people are somehow shocked that sonic frontiers has good music?? that HAS to be because they refuse to take sonic seriously because sonic has been delivering banger after banger since the 90s. and yeah like you said people constantly memeing on sonic and sonic becoming known for those sorts of things is not helping at all
and the game awards seem a bit biased against "childish" games in general not just sonic. like how nominees for awards like game of the year or best soundtrack or story or art are mostly more gritty and "adult" games and games that are more colorful and appeal to kids like sonic and splatoon and mario and kirby are excluded from that and are just nominated for best family game or some other smaller award. as if these games cant have good music or compelling stories just because kids like them and they dont have hyper realistic graphics and characters. and there are exceptions, animal crossing new horizons was nominated for goty back in 2020, but from what ive seen this is usually the pattern and it really sucks
#people either say media that appeals to kids is bad and should never be taken seriously#or that its Not For Kids Actually. just because they like it and theyre not a child. and both frustrate me so much#asks#and like. the mere concept of sonic is inherently silly. but the games can still have more serious stories#sa2 06 shth unleashed frontiers... its not even just limited to the games either like. look at idw sonic#but people never wanna acknowledge that. they only ever wanna go ''sonic bad'' or quote the new annoying sonic meme of the week#sa2 and 06 especially get it bad. but at least a lot of actual sonic fans are willing to take sa2s story seriously cant say the same for 06#long post#and yes the damage those stupid dubs have done to sonics reputation and the way people view certain games/chatacters is insane#also a lot of the jokes are really uncomfortable when you remember most of the characters are like. kids.#but nobody wants to fucking admit either of these things and it makes me want to explode
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#i know this is wrong of me#but i get so annoyed when someone can't name their top 5/10 movies#and then they just give the ''ohhh im soo indecisive and theres so many good movies out there'' excuse#like. 😑 im not asking for ur thesis on every movie ever made#literally just asking you to name the first ones off the top of your head????#do you guys know that you can just name some movies you like. i promise you won't explode and no one will come to arrest you#just think of some random movies you watched and didn't hate! just name those!!! who cares! what's all the drama for#if you don't want to tell me what movies you like that's fine. but just day that. dont go ''Oooh i can't make decisions''#WHERE is the decision. have you ever watched a movie you liked or not. Yes? name them. No? well just say that! 😭#i dont care if it's Accurate! this isn't some legal contract or i'll sue you for changing your mind later! what is the issue !!!!!!!#again im never gonna be mean to people who do this or even say anything to them but i just find it really frustrating#im not asking you for a kidney. just name some movies. no one will die i promise
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ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid
#mine#🎸#why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck#me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once#crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!!#i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either.#bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating#me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know#ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions#why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why#im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate#me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we#be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou#maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and#my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant#we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts#my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know#i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good#the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!!#my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post#is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably#this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while#it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them
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What if I exploded rn. I think it’d be good for me personally
#I left work earlier than I needed to today (didn’t get overtime that I want and enjoy) bc I had a doctors appointment today but then I show#up to the office and oops !! I guess someone forgot to schedule it tee hee you wanna sit there for an hour so we can squeeze you in no well#you’ll have to reschedule then what’s your availability oh you get off work anywhere from 1230 to 230? how about an appointment at 1 o’clock#LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE YOU THINK THIS IS MY FAULT EHATS THE POINT OF YOU SITTING THERE IF YOU CANT EVEN#SCHEDULE A FUCKING APPOINTMENT ??!!??? AND they’re making ME call my insurance to make sure it covers the orthodics I’m trying to get#so like. if you can schedule an appointment properly. and you’re making me call the insurance company to make sure they’re gonna cover the#shit that your doctor decided was best for me. what the fuck are you doing all day#also I cut my finger on something I literally don’t know what bc I’m so fucking about to explode frustrated and angry I’m having to lay on#my bed with the lights off and my sunglasses on so. fun#ALSO I go to leave after angry crying in my car for a few minutes and my key is stuck and wouldn’t start for a few minutes. what a wonderful#day that I’m having huh. can’t wait for my birthday on Saturday where I’m just gonna be sad because all my friends are moving away and a#bunch of people I know have died. what a week huh !! and here I thought I could start to treat myself a little better and start going to the#gym and get some good news at work but NOPE I GUESS ILL GO FUCK MYSELF#sorry. I’m feeling bad lately 👍#vent#Arkham rambles#arkhamrambles
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#sometimes. most times. if i cant articulate things properly i feel like my heads gonna explode. which is unfortunate bc i have the#language is hard brain problems. my neurology makes articulation difficult. but i try reguardless. which is sometimes. most times.#exhausting. that words gets thrown around a lot when i describe the patterns of my thoughts. exhausting. and it is i guess. tho id say its#more annoying and frustrating. but maybe its also exhausting. hard to tell when its how u think. but ive been reading a lot of papers this#weekend. enjoying the papers i read. papers about photosynthesis at the edge of habitability. about genetis and the structure and functions#of proteins. and the learning curve is steep but im learning bit by bit. and it just sorta makes me sad bc the way that my brain works has#so damaged the way that i interact with the world and i can see it at every step of my academic career. i dont even kno what to say abt the#past 2 years of my life. from where i stand now its just a black hole of self destruction. y did i do that? i dunno. at the time i was just#following the arbitrary rules and restrictions laid out for me within my head. did these rules have a rational basis? no. not usually. but#thats how it had to be. exhausting. but even then i coukd sometimes see thru to the wonder. and it was agony bc i wasnt allowed to think#abt it. its still agony now but i can feel it more often. maybe that's what happiness is to me. to be so full of wonder that i cant take it#i cant exist in that state or id b nonfunctional. its too big for my chest. it makes me want to scream and weep and pull at my hair. and#and its maddening bc i cant articulate it properly. except to call upon media short hands. there is wonder here. a nightmarish description#but not always. sometimes it was beautiful. theres a reason ive read annihilati0n 5 times despite hating the book. theres a reason i rewatch#the terror nearly once a month. to find beauty in a thing that causes you such terror and pain. theres something about it i can't find the#words for and its driving me nuts. exhausting. but so it goes#unrelated
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i just watched a video essay about the decline of paper mario and now im sad and mad thinking about paper mario again. can we have a violent overthrowing of nintendo
#i hadnt heard some of these quotes from ppl at nintendo before. ''it's no longer possible to modify mario characters or create new#characters that touch on the mario universe'' ''paper mario is all about paper'' can we all kill ourselves#THAT LAST ONE IN PARTICULAR MAKES ME SO MAD OHHHH MY GOD WHAT DO YOU MEAN#PAPER MARIO IS NOT ALL ABOUT PAPER. IT HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST 3 ENTRIES BECAUSE THATS WHAT YOU'VE TURNED IT INTO#BUT THE FIRST 3 GAMES THERE WAS BARELY ANYTHING TO DO WITH PAPER!!!!!!!!!#THERE WERE SOME MECHANICS AND STUFF BUT IT WASNT EVEN A PART OF THE WORLD?????????#THE FIRST PAPER MARIO WASNT EVEN CALLED THAT IN JAPAN. BECAUSE THATS NOT THE FUCKING POINT#PAPER MARIO HAS A STORYBOOK PAPER CUTOUT ARTSTYLE. ITS AN ARTSTYLE.#IT HAS NEVER BEEN THE *POINT* OF THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THE POINT OF THE SERIES IS A RPG OR AT LEAST RPG INSPIRED EXPERIENCE THAT PUTS A FOCUS ON STORY AND WORLDBUILDING#THE POINT IS FLESHING OUT MARIO'S WORLD AND TELLING COMPELLING STORIES WITH THE CHARACTERS#NOT THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING IS PAPER!!!!!!!!!#so much of the dialogue and in-universe stuff in the newer games being ABOUT everything being made of paper makes me want to kill people#playing the first 3 paper mario games you could imagine that this was all taking place in the usual mario world. YOU WERE KIND OF SUPPOSED#TO???? LIKE THE STAR SPIRITS APPEARED IN MARIO PARTY TOO!!!!! IT WAS THE NORMAL MARIO WORLD JUST TOLD VIA A PAPER ARTSTYLE#but now they've made it so it's an entire like alternate universe where everything is made of paper and everything revolves around paper an#arts and crafts and everything. and thats ''the point'' according to them. holy fucking shit im gonna explode#it makes me so mad and frustrated that not only is this just the case at all but the fact that they seem to not care and even take PRIDE in#this. it's awful augugurrghrghghhrhgh#no hate to the newer entries btw. as games on their own they're fine! it's just one of those things where its more about what they represen#and what they represent is. a very unfortunate decline#serena.txt
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#i have a light feeling that my mom might be hinting at something#with the whole. mentioning my mood swings and sensory issues and poor social skills and such#i say i'm unsure because she's not one to be subtle in situations like this? so i feel like i'm projecting#but she did suggest (partially related) going to a psychologist#and the thing about me is that i'm very self aware about my many flaws and therefore have decided#that i can't fix them or that it's not that bad as long as *i know* the issue is there#which is starting to sound like an issue in itself? but i feel like im being way too dramatic every time#i know i'm just in a stressful spot in my life and that it will pass in a few months#but i am starting to seriously consider getting an outsider's perspective. just in case#im feeling down *all* the time lately but there's always a reason to blame so i feel like it's just rotten luck and not something within me#there's not enough time but also too much of it for me to make excuses for not being able to do Anything at all and i feel paralyzed#but isn't it just the everyday terror of being in charge of yourself#i wish i could come up with a definite answer but there isn't one and the childish part of me is so frustrated with it#i have a fantasy of violently breaking my arms that doesn't lead anywhere i just feel the urge consistently enough that it's a pattern#(ive never self harmed i know i won't that's why it's just a fantasy)#i crave complete anonymity i crave deep genuine human connection and i don't want to talk to anyone. ever again.#ive talked with at least three different people partially about those thoughts#but talking about it is difficult and like pulling teeth#im clumsy with my words. can't quite find the precise meaning i want. i stutter and hum and mumble#i hate talking but if i don't i will explode#i want to be taken seriously but saying things outloud makes them sound so harsh and i don't know if it is that serious#but it's a pebble of thought that i can't stop turning around in my head over and over and over until im sick#never! ending! story! jesus christ#vent post#← tagging just in case#pretend you've never read it
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