#it makes me appreciate how distance always makes relationships work better to an extent

[bbibbirose]

I hate going to india I’m never gonna stop saying this

[long-distance-love]

Hello you two! Apologies if something similar has been asked in the past, but I would love your advice on how to continue feeling connected to your long distance partner when both people are going through times of stress.

My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 months (long distance the whole time, but we have been able to see each other quite regularly which has been a huge blessing). He’s based in California and I’m in New York, so it’s quite the distance while still being in the same continent. Currently, we’re both dealing with extremely stressful situations in our individual lives, so neither one of us is able to be as present for each other as usual. I completely understand that this does happen from time to time, but I’ve been struggling with a lack of connection. Do you have any advice on how to bring this up with him or on ways to remain connected even when we’re both struggling?

I love him so much, and I know he does too. I feel that what we have is really special, so I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. But any advice would be majorly appreciated, and thank you in advance. <3

Hey Nonny,

Thank you so much for your question! 💕 Benny and I actually talked about this ask all morning as we had breakfast, it was a bit more on the difficult side because we had a new question for every bit of information you gave. Since the answer turned really long, I'll continue under the cut.

Our greatest debate sprouted around the following sentence of yours: "(...) but I've been struggling with a lack of connection." So this is where I'll start. You're asking for advice on a relationship issue, and yet you've used singular first person pronouns. Now this could have been a mistake, but you've said the same thing in the beginning too. So what we think the issue here is very simple - communication. Or a lack thereof. You need to tell your partner exactly what you've just told us, because he needs to know and you need to talk about it. If he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, he'll be more than happy to try and compromise to meet your needs better. Try to bring this up at the least stressful moment possible though, because when you're both at your worst, then the best way to connect in our experience is just to show up for each other (i.e. videocall) and distract each other.

Try being assertive. Do not point fingers. Tell your partner how you are feeling. For instance: "Lately I've been feeling a little alone because of our lack of communication. I don't blame you, because I know you're really stressed as well lately, but I'd like to feel closer to you. Do you think we could talk more?" (If your partner has an anxious attachment style or doesn't like conflict, reassure him immediately and tell him that you love him and you're not accusing him.)

Being transparent and open about both the comfortable and the uncomfortable things is a practice you might want to integrate into your relationship, as well as the practice of showing up for each other (i.e. reassurance of love, questions about their day and mood). I understand it's very difficult if you've fallen out of practice with this, because right now you're both in a rough patch, but if you can get into this habit now, then you'll always stay in it.

As for the things that stress you out, you need to work on them. You need to have a solution planned, even if it's a very long term solution. If you think it affects your relationship, you need to talk about it, and I cannot stress this enough. Having a plan in motion already alleviates some of the additional stress your problems have on your relationship (i.e. I didn't get better immediately when I started therapy, it took me half a year, but I was doing it and to some extent that mattered as well).

And as a bottom line, here's a little reminder. Communication is a two-way street. A relationship is a two-way street. You can never feel connected to someone unless they want you to feel connected to them.

We hope you'll both feel closer to each other soon. We can tell how much you love him, and we hope he loves you back just as much. 💕

- Benny & Danny

Benny's bonus observation: Why aren't you living together? You've been together for a relatively long time, you live in the same country, you're in love. Stress, and life in general is much more bearable when the one you love is right beside you. Maybe it's time to think about that as well.

[not-just-words69-blog]

Goodbye

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Watching the sun dip below the sky and the rise of the moon was like watching the end of an era. Part of me knew it was true, that this feeling wasn't just a feeling. I knew that this time in my life had come to an end, that I'd no longer be acquainted with the people I've surrounded myself with. Will I be okay? I'm sure I will, at least to an extent. I know that, realistically, I’ll come out of the other side just fine. I'll leave this life behind as I know it and I’ll be better for it, but we both know it'll be hard. These people that have become such a constant in my life, have become so integral in the way I plan my days away from the drainings of being a responsible adult, their separation will feel like pulling teeth. It will feel like removing organs and limbs in order to experience something different from this life I was dropped into. 

   “Are you alright?” The voice of my best friend snaps me out of my stream of consciousness and I smile at them. I take the warm cup they’re offering to me, reveling at the warmth and smell of the tea they've brewed. “Probably not, but I will be soon,” I tell them truthfully, taking a small sip from the Care Bear mug while being careful not to burn myself. “I’m just letting my worry and despair fester until I can work up the courage to do something about it.”

   They sigh sadly, smiling back and taking the seat in the rocking chair to my left. “I know that this will be hard on you, on everyone. Nothing will be the same but we know it's necessary. There’s no way we can keep operating the way we’ve been doing.” I don’t look in their direction, choosing to remain silent in order to really think on what I want to say. One thing I really appreciate about them, there’s never a rush. They don’t make me feel like I have to answer right away, like if I don’t the conversation will be lost and there will be no real usefulness in understanding me after time has passed. I look down at my mug, breathing in the warm scent of my drink. Really we should be drinking iced tea or something, craving hot tea on a summer night must truly be bizarre. “I know that, It’s become very clear to me that distance is the best option here. But how do I convince my heart of the same thing my brain already knows? How do I tell them that I won’t be around for the foreseeable future without feeling like I'm pulling my own heart from my chest and driving the heels of my boots into the center?”

   I’m crying now, the tears hot on my cheeks. Why is letting go so hard? It’s always easier to do what you’ve been doing rather than making the choice that’s right for you. I would know, staying in a failing relationship long after its expiration date due to comfortability will hammer that revelation in your brain day after day. I wipe the tears from my face, sighing as I look down at my wet fingers. “You know,” I begin, wiping my hands against my shorts. “I keep trying to tell myself that this is the way to go. That this is okay and I should worry more about myself and my mental state rather than being so concerned with what everyone else thinks but its hard. I’ve been trying to build this community, this support for myself that I so desperately needed and now I’m back to square zero. All I ever wanted was a few friends that actually would support each other, to keep each other safe and be truthful with each other. Now it’s all falling down around me and there’s nothing I could do about it.” 

  I didn’t even notice I was sobbing until Armya grabbed my hands and I looked at them, my vision of them blurred and my shoulders shaking. “Oh honey.” They pulled me into a hug once we both realized I wouldn’t stop, couldn’t stop. How could something so comforting turn out so wrong? They held me as all the sadness and frustration poured out of me in the form of hot tears, a runny nose and loud sounds shook me. I couldn’t breath, couldn’t think. I couldn’t even understand the things they were whispering to me over the sounds of my broken heart. How can I go on while everything feels so wrong?

   Eventually my sobs subsided, all that remained were dry hiccups and itchy eyes before they let me go. “You’ll be okay,” Armya told me, looking into my eyes. “We’ll all be okay. Sometimes distance is a good thing, even when it doesn’t feel like it. People change and realize that something they’ve always known just isn’t for them and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay to go your own way so don’t feel guilty about leaving. If this is for you then it is for you, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it.” Their eyes were so intense I could do nothing but nod, my hiccups still making themselves known. They looked at me for a few seconds longer before picking their mug up, raising it to there lips and taking a long sip. “I spiked this tea.”

   I burst into laughter, the tangy taste starting to make sense. I took my own long sip and smiled, tears teetering on the edge of my eyes. I’ll miss these nights. I know I can come visit whenever I please but it won’t be the same without everyone else. The music and voices inside the house registering for the first time made a few more tears fall down my face. “You are absolutely ridiculous,” I said with a grin. The tears were still falling as they returned a grin of their own before wiping the streaks from my face. “And you are such a cry baby. We’ll always be here, waiting for you to come back. There’s no need to cry so much, you know.” I laughed again, grabbing their hands and holding them in mine. “I know, but the theatrics and emotions suit me quite well I think.”

   “You’re right, they do.” We sat in silence for a while, watching the cars drive by. I never realized how busy this street gets, even so late at night. I guess no matter what city you’re in, it never really sleeps. I stand, taking my mug with me and entering the house without a word. As I open the door, the music and laughter engulfs me like a slap in the face. I watch the scene unfolding in front of me. Some people were sitting in front of the tv, watching some influencer “reality show” on youtube, while others were laughing and drinking in the kitchen. The typical scene of a friday night for us. I make my way into the kitchen and grab a wine cooler off the table, screwing off the cap and taking a long sip from the glass bottle. I take the time to really see everyone interacting with one another, laughing and joking with each other. 

   “Are you alright?” Riley asked, touching my arm and causing me to look at them. “Yeah, you’ve been pretty quiet since you got here,” Tee added, pulling their skirt from under the leg of the chair they were occupying. I took another sip of my drink and smiled back at them, feeling as fake as the nails attached to my fingertips. “I’m just peachy, just thinking.” They exchanged a look between each other before looking back at me, Riley nodding while Tee shrugged before getting back to their conversation. Something I’ve begun to notice, they don’t dig as deep as they should. I feel 3 years is long enough to notice when something’s wrong with me regardless of what I say. I can surely tell when it comes to those around me, at least most of the time.

  As I look around at the scene playing out before me, something dawns on me. As clear as the sound of glass shattering and of a door slamming against a wall. They wouldn’t miss me if I was gone. I almost laugh out loud, a mix between shock, sadness, and something else crashing through me. How am I so overcome with emotion about separating myself from people who would barely notice I was gone, let alone miss me from their lives if I was no longer in it? Suddenly the air in the house is suffocating. The humidity and weed smoke choking me to the point where I can’t breathe, can’t even think. I quickly set down the bottle in my hand and bolt for the door, crashing through the screen as I hear my name being yelled behind me. I rush past those on the porch, the feeling of something sticky and ugly in my throat just begging to make itself known, and make my way to my car.

   For whatever reason, I always hold the people around me to what I now know is a high standard, too high to be realistic. My heart was beating hard in my chest as I struggled to put the key in the ignition. I lock my doors quickly as I see two figures making their way to my passenger side, still struggling with the keys. I expect people to treat me the way I treat them. Typically, I go a bit out of my way for people I consider friends or even if I just think they’re cool. My real problem though, is expecting them to do the same.

   The key finally made its way into its rightful place and I turned, the car roaring to life. I pushed the gear into drive, never looking to the side to those same figures yelling my name through the window, and took off. I didn’t notice until I got three lights and two left turns away, but I was crying again. I laughed, choking out a sob immediately after and pulling my bottom lip between my teeth. Why do I expect so much? My life would be easier, so much easier if I didn’t. Maybe my feelings wouldn’t get hurt so often. Maybe I wouldn’t worry so much on the why behind every lie and deceitful action against me. I wouldn’t wonder why others won’t treat me the way I treat them. I wouldn’t cry and scream when I’m alone, angry and frustrated and sad because all I do is offer my help to those around me without receiving the same in return.

   Yet here I am, sobbing so hard the road blurs in front of me and driving so fast I’m expecting to hit a wall or something as a result of a turn just a bit too late, all because I just wish so fully and all-consumingly that I’d get treated even half as well as I treat other people. I drive aimlessly, long enough for the sobs to stop and the tears to dry down to mere ashy streaks against my cheeks. As the road continued to stretch before me, I went from feeling like I couldn’t breathe to feeling unequivocally numb. How interesting, how strange. I wish this feeling would last but I knew it wouldn’t. I feel too deeply, my emotions are not just something chemical but visceral. Something so strong in me I can’t control it, and how do I hate that the most. I can’t subdue the way I feel because it always breaches the surface fully eventually and I wish, more than anything, that I could shut it off like a switch.

   When I finally stopped driving, I found myself pulling into the parking lot of the park I usually find myself in. The only difference, the sun has set and it’s almost pitch black through the trees. Despite the dark, though my eyesight is poor my other senses feel heightened. I can hear the rushing of the waterfall that leads to the lake that I usually wouldn’t be able to hear during the day, faint but powerful. The sound feels like a magnetic pull that I can’t help but to give into.

    I reach into my backseat, grabbing the flashlight nestled between my backpack and my work boots. I sat for less than a minute before killing the engine and stepping out of the vehicle. It’s like I’m on autopilot but if I am honest with myself, this was a long time coming. The sound of the grass and twigs crunching under my feet were like the gongs of a bell, loud and ringing in my ears while I made my way towards the sound of rushing water. 

   It was oddly serene for what I planned to do next. The sounds of rustling trees were like a lullaby, the effects of the alcohol mixed with the sounds of the forest making me feel sleepy and drunk. I continued to walk, one foot in front another as the rushing water came into view. 

   It was beautiful, as always. The water was impossibly blue and deep, running with a dangerous current that seemed wild and uncontrollable. It always seemed so freeing to me, this fast current felt like it could take you any and everywhere. It felt like there was no end, though in a way its true since this leads to the ocean after miles and miles. I breathed in the air, crisp and cool mixed with something else. It’s like I could taste the weight of the decision I’ve made, I could almost grab it from the air and hold it in my hands. The light of the flashlight focused on a large rock jutting from the middle and that’s when I decided to shut it off, setting it gently on the ground.

   Nothing but me and my secrets, aside from the brightness of the moon that seemed to touch everything and light it in an almost spooky blue glow. I’ve thought of this moment for months, for years. I’ve seen it in my dreams and something close to a nightmare but not quite. When I thought of this on a regular day, it felt frightening and made my stomach roll. Now that I’m here, standing so close to the edge, it felt like relief. It felt like the weight of an entire universe lifting from my shoulders at once. The peace I began to feel as I toed off my shoes and shed my clothes was unimaginable, euphoric even. I’ve never felt this way about anything, ever. 

   I folded my clothes neatly, the only garments remaining on my skin were a thin bra and underwear set, and placed them next to my shoes. A laugh bubbled up from my throat as a daunting realization hit me square between the eyes. I wasn’t crying because this was the end of an era. I was crying because this was the end, full stop. Today was the end. I laughed some more, so loud it was maniacal. My laughter became sobs and I felt such intense relief and acceptance. I felt like everything would be fine in the ends, because it was. It is. Oh how unbelievably amazing this feeling was, I could bask in it forever.

   I know I looked crazy, but there isn’t a time I cared any less about my appearance then right now. I looked back to the rushing water. Now or never. I breathed in deeply, closed my eyes and thought of everything I was leaving behind.

And jumped.

[cowboyjen68]

Dear Jen, I don’t know who else to talk to about this..I was seeing this amazing butch woman for a few months. She was the first butch I’ve dated who’s treated me with respect and has been emotionally open with me- I felt so safe and cared for with her. We weren’t official or anything, but I felt like I could be her femme and I was starting to develop stronger feelings.

She ended things about 2 months ago due to our age gap, almost 8 years part, and her saying that she couldn’t give me the serious relationship I wanted at that moment. I respected her honesty and how gentle she was with my feelings. She assured me I hadn’t done anything wrong and that she’s very attracted to me, and that she eventually wants us to be friends.

I’ve told her not to text me, even friendly texts because it hurts to be in contact with her..I’m trying to give myself space from her and have have started dating again…but I miss her so much and these other women I’m seeing just aren’t her..they don’t have her warmth or charm or humor…I feel like if I try to be friends with her I’ll just be torturing myself and I’ll always be longing for more

I am sorry that you are hurting and I completely understand loosing a woman you are deeply in love with. That stupid saying "sometimes love is not enough" is accurate and I hate it.

It is always a bit of a balancing act to not want to loose contact, even breifly but also getting distance to heal. All of my exes/women I breifly dated are now my friends (although my ex wife passed away we were friends to an extent). We all took time to heal by getting some distance and then we came back around to appreciate the history we shared.

However, my last girlfriend is also my best friend. I have never been so in love in my life. Not that I didn't love my other girlfriends but I was perhaps not in the space to be completely open to giving my trust, heart and soul and they were also not in a space to return those wholeheartedly. And not of them were a "just perfect fit" but more of a "yeah this is ok" kind of relationship.

We have made the decision to not break contact because that pain is too much. It has been a year and few months and, while I am still in love and I believe she is too, we are able to navigate friendship pretty well. Once she decides to date I will have to cross that heartbreak bridge when we come to it. I don't feel like dating is something I care to do now. That might change. It might not, but my heart is not open for another right now.

That all being said I am 54 and pretty settled in life with jobs, a mortgage, a teenager and a focus on some life goals that I have put off for too long. You are probably younger, less finite in your path.

You are not obligated to date right now. If you need time to not date that is okay. You will probably heal faster if you take time away from the other woman. The hardest part about continued contact is that every time you speak or text a small part of you, whether on purpose or not, thinks "maybe we can make it work" or "perhaps she will see we belong together"

Human nature is often to find hope in a situation that hurts if the answer is finite. A little bit of" maybe" is easier that "no".

As hard as it is may be, take some time away. It does not have to be forever. And she absolutely sounds like a respectul and caring woman who will give you space and leave the ball in your court so when you are ready for friendship you can reach out.

Time and distance might help you feel better about dating but you are under no obligation or time line to do that. If you need to let yourself hurt for a while don't fight it too much. It is okay to not try to "get over her" as fast as possible. Big butch hugs from me to you.

[icequeenbae]

Desert Flower (m) Ch. 1 | BBH

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader x Baëkhyun

Characters: EXO and X-EXO (not all of them mentioned)

EXO vs X-EXO dynamics, complicated relationships, angsty, action, smut (as usual)

Warnings: sorta mingling with your ex’s ‘evil twin’, mentions of blood/ violence (nothing too graphic… I suppose), Y/N gets teary a lot(?), explicit content, rough sex, unprotected sex

Word Count: ~13.5k (full), ~3.7k (Chapter 1)

Summary: Baekhyun, your beloved boyfriend of three years, suddenly breaks up with you and disappears from the city in an attempt to protect you. But leaving you alone and clueless means trouble will surely find you. For it is easy to spot a flower in the desert.

Masterlist   >> One >> Two (m) >> Three (m) >> Four (fin)

Author’s Note: Yay, this is happening!!! My first BaekBaёk, oml I’m gonna-

Ok. I’ll admit right off the bat that I wouldn’t be posting this any time soon without my lovely beta @baekshoney​ 🖤 She’s the person I turn to when I think there’s a million little things I could’ve done better, because that’s what I always think. I had to give myself a cut-off date to finally give up editing this 😅 So, I’d really appreciate it if you guys could share your thoughts and opinions on this too. My asks, dms and comments are places where you’re always welcome! Now, let’s get into this!

Tags: @blahblahblah-boo @baeklightsx @wooya1224 @baekklove

Chapter 1. The beginning of the end 

It was all too sudden.

The words he’d said deafened you. Refusing to believe what you were hearing, you shook your head and took a step back, as if doing so could start the conversation you’d just had over. Or rewind the time and allow you to prevent the words from coming out of his mouth in the first place. But he was firm, unyielding in his stance.

‘I’m sorry,’ he repeated. ‘It’s my fault. I should’ve known better.’

Than to start this relationship, was what he meant. That he should have avoided getting in a relationship with you altogether, and breaking up with you would’ve never become an issue.

‘Why?’ You tried to speak, but your lower lip started to tremble, silencing you at once.

This was all wrong. It couldn’t have been true, what he was saying.

He licked his lips, looking away, hands forming tight fists at his sides as he tried to recollect himself and urge his body to stay frozen on the spot.

That did not work for long – the sight of you, so small, so stunned and defeated, with tears welling in your eyes while you tried to stifle them… He couldn’t. It was stupid of him to break his act so easily, but you were too precious to him to just leave you like this.

Sighing and cursing himself out in his mind, he took a stride towards you and gathered you tightly in his arms.

‘I am sorry, Y/N,’ he continued softly, hearing you hiccup in his unexpected embrace. ‘But I have to leave. We- I should’ve stayed away from you from the start. Forgive me for being so weak.’

You sobbed at his words, shaking your head stubbornly and clinging to his broad chest as an act of desperation.

‘I can come with you!’

‘No,’ he interrupted your crazy idea. ‘I’m leaving you behind. To keep you safe.’

‘Safe from what?’ You questioned, half-annoyed now.

He kept insisting that he wished to protect you, but how was leaving you all alone ensuring your security? And why would you even consider it, when you only felt safe while with him?

‘I cannot tell you. The more you know, the more dangerous it is.’

‘Baekhyunie, please,’ you wiped the tears and grabbed onto his vest as he moved to pull away. ‘You can’t just decide this on your own!’

‘Y/N,’ he took hold of your wrists, not removing them just yet. ‘I know it’s hard, and I never wanted to hurt you like this. But there’s nothing you can say that’ll change my mind. I’d rather break your heart than risk your life, so it’s not really a choice.’

He looked around as if to make sure you were not being watched, and then leaned in to place a farewell kiss on your temple – his favorite spot. You sniffled, realization of the inevitable setting in.

‘Just let me go, flower,’ his voice lowered to a whisper, and you sobbed at the pet name. ‘You’ll be better off without me, I promise.’

‘No,’ you protested as he freed himself from your grasp, and took a step back. ‘No, Baekhyun, don’t leave,’ you clawed at his forearm, trying to stop him. ‘We can deal with it together, we can think of something! I don’t want to be without you,’ you whimpered sorrowfully.

He shook his head, shying away from your touch, while you desperately tried to hold him back.

But you couldn’t. He gently peeled your hands off to walk away, and you missed the pained crease between his eyebrows when he turned his back on you to escape your apartment.

‘Please, don’t do this…’ You whispered, voice breaking in anguish. Just as your heart was.

Yet, Baekhyun kept walking. Leaving you to weep in the unwelcoming emptiness of your home.

Leaving you for good.

***

Your relationship with Baekhyun started almost three years ago.

Still new to university life, you found yourself in the midst of a soap opera worth of drama when a bunch of transfer students joined all at once, some even in the same year as you. All highly attractive, they usually hung out together and spent less time than needed socializing with the outside world.

Not that you cared too much – sure, the excitement going around was making you curious, but they looked too handsome, almost to the extent that you found it intimidating. Ironically, the most intimidating you found Baekhyun. His then long dark hair with strands of red and a mullet hairstyle, the sharp green eyes, the pierced eyebrow, and the lip ring that made him look like a very attractive hooligan... The piercings turned out to be just as fake as the eye color, which did not disappoint you at all.

Funny enough, you only got to know this bad boy because he took a liking to retreating to the campus library. Hiding from all of the attention, of course. While some members of his clique actually basked in it, he preferred to disappear to the remote aisles of the quiet space and read a book, or, more likely, sleep with one on his chest. You saw him like that often, since you were stuck in there yourself – essays for different classes were piling up rapidly. As a diligent student, you were determined to do well in your first year of university, so dragging yourself to the library to stay glued to your laptop was the best option.

Coincidentally, you also preferred to stay in the less lively spaces, as you tended to seek peace and quiet to focus on your assignments. Your attention span… wasn’t impressive, to say the least, so you did your best to avoid any distractions. However, you didn’t count on a certain sleep lover to be one of them.

It was not the first day you spent close enough to notice the tranquil expression he wore on his face as he was snoozing. It was, however, the first time he caught you staring mindlessly in his direction. Burning the deepest shade of red in your cheeks, you grabbed your books and quickly made yourself scarce, thanking heavens for the multiple aisles of books around. You walked around for ten minutes or so, actually placing your books back where they belonged and finding a secluded corner to check out what else was on the shelves. Squinting, you tried to read the name of the tome that had gotten your attention, and raised your arm to get it from the level that was clearly too high for you. Thankfully, someone reached over your head and helped you obtain the book. You turned around to say thank you but instead were suddenly pushed back into the shelf by the taller figure with neat red strands. Speechless, you only held your book close and gaped at him, as he leaned forward.

‘Ever heard about the cat killed by curiosity?’ He hummed, eyes piercing you from above.

You swallowed, knees getting weaker as you registered the fresh musky smell coming off of his brightly colored shirt.

To push your buttons, he decided to get even more scandalously close to you, arm holding onto the rack behind you to keep balance.

‘Nothing wrong with being curious!’ You jabbered. ‘In fact, if people preserved the curiosity they have as kids they would’ve had a much bigger learning capacity as adults.’

He huffed. You weren’t sure if he was shocked or amused, because your eyes looked anywhere but his face. In fact, they lowered enough to fix on your forearm, resting across his rib cage, and your fist pressing slightly into his pec to keep him at least at a minimal distance.

At this you gasped, eyes widening and returning to his face, only to catch an inquisitive spark in his retinas as he nudged the lip ring with his tongue. Sighing, he took a step back, finally allowing some space between you.

‘Can’t write a philosophy essay with this, little flower,’ he chuckled. ‘Or if you can… I’d be impressed.’

You looked down in confusion, understanding that the book you were holding was from a Botanics section. ‘The Oxford Book of Wild Flowers’, read the title.

But… How did he know about your philosophy assignment?

***

Only later had Baekhyun confessed that he had had an eye on you for a while by the time this incident took place, but the moment of your outburst was what got to him. When he looked down at your cornered form, holding a book to your chest so innocently, and keeping him away instinctively with one arm. He had to bite his tongue to prevent a smile from making its way onto his face. That was it for him, and even though he wanted to avoid you and keep interactions with you to an absolute minimum, he couldn’t help but find ways to draw your attention. Like that one time, when you walked out of the library because the loud noises from the outside made your concentration for the night crumble.

The source of that noise was, in fact, a certain convertible, blasting the music for the entire campus to hear. You would have come up to complain that your studying was cut short if you didn’t have perfect eyesight. It allowed you to see that there was a red-haired problem sat in the car, with a bare foot resting lazily against the panel. Ready to run the other way, you turned around, meeting a solid chest with your forehead. You discovered that it was a rather cheerful guy in the same year as you, Jongin, and the other one with him was Sehun. And those two stalled you long enough for Baekhyun to make an entrance.

It was the first time he tried asking you out. And got rejected.

However, as much as you wanted to take ownership of that and say that you were playing hard to get when you walked off and left him stunned by your refusal, that was not the case. This guy made your throat go dry at the mere sight of him! He was way too handsome, and he also looked kind of… well, he looked like he’d break your heart without thinking twice about it. And that you couldn’t allow.

But then again, good girls do tend to fall for bad boys. Or was he only pretending to be bad? You’d never heard anything that discredited him, except for the way he stared people down sometimes. That once happened to a fellow student in your class. After he sat next to you during lunch.

Actually, almost the entire week following that incident you had lunch alone because everyone kept making excuses to sit elsewhere. That was how you became friends with Jongin and Sehun. Having had a few classes together, you were more or less acquainted with each other, so you didn’t mind when Jongin suddenly appeared out of nowhere with a tray and asked you if they could join. He even had lunch with you when Sehun wasn’t around – you figured that it made Jongin even more chatty. So much so, that one day he leaned across the table to get slightly closer, and used his most clandestine voice on you.

‘You know, hyung could burn a hole in anyone next to you with his glare, but I’m immune to his ‘charms’, thankfully,’ he giggled and added, ‘Still, I think you should give him a chance. Baekhyun’s a good guy, and he’s kinda torn as it is. Asking you out was a pretty big step for him.’

Honestly, you had a hard time believing that. Baekhyun… was probably the kind of guy, who never even had to ask. You could look around and easily spot a dozen eyes that were fixed on him at this very moment. Why in the world would he want to date you, clearly not the ‘easy-going’ party type? He probably wanted to get into your pants just for sport, like the rest of the pretty boys.

‘Whatever you’re thinking, it’s far from the truth. Ugh, Junmyeon will kill me for this!’ Jongin cursed himself and continued, before you could ask. ‘Hyung looks rough around the edges, but he’s really a softie. Trust me on this.’

‘Are you his wingman or something?’ You snorted dubiously, getting a little timid from this discussion.

‘Ha, are you kidding? He’s gonna strangle me if he finds out. Like I said, he’s torn between staying away from you and persisting in his efforts to take you out. Just think about it,’ he ended with an attempted (but failed) wink.

As if to take away your chance to process the unexpected input, Jongin shoved Baekhyun in your direction the very next day. Disappearing from the cafeteria right after, of course. Envy his subtlety. But, apparently, what he said earlier had an effect, so you only nodded when a flustered figure asked for permission to sit with you. He looked quite different from the previous times you saw him up close – much less confident and intimidating. But he seemed sincere when he said he just wanted one chance.

And that was how your relationship picked up. It took a whirlwind course from the very beginning, and the hot summer before your second year of university was the most torturous time ever for the both of you. Still wary of getting played, you only trusted Baekhyun enough to get intimately close months and months into dating. And he was patient with you, going at a slow pace, letting you pull away whenever you wanted. Until you didn’t want to anymore.

That last leap of faith was a beginning in itself – a true beginning of you and Baekhyun. The final seal was broken, and you entrusted yourself fully to him, which he repaid by showering you in his affection and feelings that he himself had not come to acknowledge just then.

After a year together, you were not simply allowed into the inner circle, but also educated about the special abilities that Baekhyun and his friends had. You were first interrogated by their leader, Junmyeon, who wanted to make sure you had no ulterior motives and were not going to tell a living soul about them. He called it ‘a quick chat’ as he dragged you in a scarcely furnished room where he sat you down at the small metal table across from him. The leader asked you questions and tried reading your verbal and non-verbal cues, so it was clearly an interrogation. Junmyeon was pretty experienced in this, so he could instantly tell that you were harmless. And you also passed the test, answering the most ridiculous questions about Baekhyun – apparently, that was to make sure you were not ‘faking it’ – so, he accepted you into their family.

However, knowing too much was dangerous, so you only learned about their powers and how they came from the so-called EXO Planet when they were young (talk about dating an alien!), and that the organization they called ‘the Red’ amongst themselves wanted to hunt them down. They also used to be held hostage by these people – and that was just about as much you knew about the issue because Baekhyun kept you away from the ‘unnecessary details’. He only told you that they seemed to be hidden well in this town, surrounded by just enough people to blend in and disappear. And you worried, always, because you knew too little about the dangers surrounding the group, and even less about how you could contribute to their safety.

Baekhyun laughed when you once brought it up, finding your concern nothing but cute.

‘You don’t have to worry about it, flower. It’s my job to make sure you’re safe, not the other way around,’ he then said, playing with the curly ends of your hair.

You frowned at that. Why was it not your job to take care of him? If you could help, you wanted to help. But he always brushed you off, saying that the only thing you should do to help is staying out of trouble. Like that was a challenge – you either studied or hung out with him and his friends, not much room to stir trouble. The only other person you talked to regularly was your roommate, and she was also pretty harmless.

As time went by, you got closer to your own graduation, basically, one year left before you had to figure it out for yourself again. Your boyfriend was always supportive, but you couldn’t help but wonder how he imagined your future. He was always up to something but never shared it with you since it was ‘nothing for you to worry about’. Had he not shown you his actual abilities before, you would’ve certainly thought that it was a crazy lie he told you to cover up for some kind of illegal activity. In reality, some illegal activities were going on, especially since hacking and cracking was one of Minseok’s specialties (but mostly because they needed to keep their identities out of sight). Another reason why they didn’t all go to the same school when they arrived, and also why they changed their appearance ever so often. The lucky mullet was long gone by the time you had your first Christmas together, and you had had the pleasure of seeing him in multiple hair colors throughout almost three years of your relationship. Notably, the first dozen or so make-out sessions you had with him took place when he had just cut his hair and dyed it pitch black. And he still wore his fake lip ring at the time, which was an experience in itself. He did know how to use his mouth…

Admittedly, you were kind of used to being the object of the boys’ shameless teasing every time you hung out together. The way Baekhyun kept you close and fussed about everything was, apparently, atypical for their usually chill and humorous hyung. He was their second-in-command, after all, the genius behind the strategic planning of the group, and the mind that kept them hidden for so long in one place.

Because of you.

One of the boys had previously let it slip that they hadn’t lived anywhere for that long before, maybe not even for one full year. But this time Baekhyun was determined to stay for a while, now that he had an anchor.

But the day came. When he found out that they might’ve been compromised, he got scared. The way he’d never feared anything before. And he’d been through a lot, to put it mildly. Baekhyun could maintain a cold and sharp mind at all times, that was his thing, but not when it came to you. Once he figured out that there was a real chance, that they could’ve found the EXO hideout and, thus, could connect you to the boys, he couldn’t think straight. Overwhelmed by a sudden panic, he sought advice from the leader.

‘You know it’s not me who’s supposed to decide,’ Junmyeon sighed, looking at his disheveled second. ‘I told you a relationship wasn’t a good idea. I also think that keeping her close means putting her life in jeopardy.’

His words were cutting through Baekhyun as he paced the room, long fingers grasping his own hair.

‘But it still may be a safer option than leaving her here,’ the leader added, pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘We need to relocate fast, and you have the ‘better of two evils’ situation on your hands.’

‘I know I should leave her,’ Baekhyun stopped in his tracks, turning his head to the leader. ‘But what if they already know, hyung?’

‘Minseok had every trace of her erased, not a single camera in town had a glimpse of her with you. They might have found our footprints in the sand, but those don’t necessarily lead to her. I suppose they should move on as soon as they come here and realize that we’re nowhere around.’

‘Most likely, but what if-’

‘They can very well catch up to us while we run. Like I said, there isn’t a right answer, but a choice. And I think that you’ve already made it when you should give her a voice, too,’ the leader pushed.

‘I-’ Baekhyun turned away to hide the glassy eyes from Junmyeon. ‘I have to give her a chance, hyung. I cannot sentence her to a lifetime of running and danger. And I know she’s silly enough to throw herself into it if she has a say in this.’

‘And if you’re wrong? You’re going to break her heart as a precaution?’

‘She won’t die from a broken heart. Can you imagine what they’d do to her if they find out?’

Junmyeon bit his lip. This time, the choice was completely out of his hands. He thought his second was making a mistake, but it was not his place to decide. Exhaling again, he nodded.

‘Tell her in the morning. We’re moving out as soon as the rain starts.’

>> Chapter 2

A/N: So, what do you think? This is more of an introductory chapter, I know, but it covers quite a lot of their relationship with Baek. You must be excited to see where this goes and when Baёk appears? Or if Baekhyun is coming back? Me too, me too 🙈

[tetsuwhore]

𝐀𝐫𝐠𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 (𝐊𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐨, 𝐎𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚, 𝐓𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐚)

Description: Argument headcanons + how the boys react when you get especially upset during a fight

Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader, Oikawa Tooru x Reader, Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Warning: arguments, yelling, mentions of insecurities

when it comes to helping people, Kuroo’s method of encouragement can sometimes be a little…  aggressive. his approach is to agitate them, making them question their motivations and regroup their strategy to whatever problem they’re facing

(an example being his comment that irked Tsukishima during the Tokyo training arc)

while Kuroo is good at weaseling out a person’s motivators and insecurities, and then using that information to push them into doing better, he sometimes neglects considering that some people may not respond well to being provoked into action

this could potentially lead to arguments if this approach doesn’t work for you

irritated anger - Kuroo tries to remain calm and keep his voice steady. however, if the argument goes on for too long, he may start to feel like you two are running in circles. this is when he gets frustrated and snappy

when he realizes the extent of just how upset you are by his words, it’s like a wake up call. he never wants to be the reason you’re hurting, and will immediately shift to ‘comforting boyfriend’ mode

“is it okay if i hold you?”

always asks for permission before touching you. he realizes that some people don’t respond well to physical touch when upset, so he’ll understand if you decline his offer

if you accept, he’ll scoop you up and hold you in his arms for as long as you’ll allow him. he’ll whisper sweet nothings in your ear while gently caressing your hair and planting soft kisses on your forehead

putting aside who was at fault in the context of the actual argument, he will still 100% apologize for upsetting you with his words

Oikawa has many, many insecurities that often cloud his mind, and as they built up over time, they led to him developing a persistent feeling of inferiority

like the incident with Kageyama, this can lead to him lashing out at people who have no true fault in the matter. this includes people closest to him, such as his s/o

explosive anger - he’s one to bottle his feelings up and wait until he’s on the brink of mental exhaustion to finally let them out. this means that his frustration bubbles rapidly, and it leads to him becoming quite loud during fights

even if you’re calm, he’ll end up raising his voice because in the heat of the moment, he justifies it as a valid way to get his point across 

if the argument turns sour enough that you start getting upset, it’ll likely take him a minute to process that he needs to cut the shit and regain composure for your sake

but if you cry? this boy will 100% start crying with you

unlike the other two, all thoughts about personal space fly out the window. he’ll immediately pull you into a warm hug and cling to you for hours afterward

when you two go to sleep, his hold on you will be tighter than usual - he needs reassurance that he hasn’t driven you away, and keeping you close does just that

“please, don’t let me push you away. i need you.”

Oikawa’s stubborn streak means that he has a hard time apologizing right away. still, the guilt will eat at him the longer he waits, and eventually, he’ll just suck it up and ask for your forgiveness

because ultimately, his relationship with you will take priority over his pride

of course, with this salt boy, his comments can be a little grating and may lead to small fights if they happen to agitate some of your insecurities

but a common argument that likely to show up is when it comes to you offering him advice or attempting to help him with his problems

Tsukishima appears to be someone who upholds the philosophy that his problems are his own to deal with. therefore, he may not be very appreciative of interference from other people, even if he realizes that it’s coming from a good place

cold anger - he’ll spit out something about how you’re being a tad bit ‘presumptuous’ of his situation and ‘nagging’ him with advice that he didn’t ask for. his voice will be low, but the viciousness behind it can be very hurtful

if you start getting antsy, or worse, teary-eyed, he’ll know it’s time to cool down. Tsukishima won’t forget that he’s still annoyed with you, but he’ll realize that your mental-wellbeing takes priority over winning a petty argument

after fights, he usually prefers keeping a distance for a while so you two have some time to cool off. that way, you’ll be able to hold a more rational discussion about the issue when you guys have had the chance to calm down

but if he knows you’re already very upset, he’ll choose to remain close to you

“i’m not going anywhere. i’m here.”

Tsukishima won’t try to initiate any kind of immediate physical affection. instead, he’ll simply sit next to you, leaving enough space but still reassuring you that he’s there to listen

will quietly allow you to talk about what he said that upset you. he probably won’t apologize, at least not immediately. however, he will make a mental note of what you say and keep it in mind so he can avoid repeats of such incidents

after all has been said, you two will sit together in silence, reveling in the quiet comfort of each other’s presence

[personasintro]

before you go | myg drabble

𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀; taking a step forward, you decide it's time to act after realization that you're worth much more than your boyfriend thinks, and you deserve even more

𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: angst

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: cheating au, mentions of sex, strong language, yoongi cries 

𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 2k

a/n: commissioned by the lovely @minyoongail​, who's been extremely patient with me! thank you again and I hope you enjoy this drabble!

𝗺.𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 | ☕️

It happened gradually, smoothly even.

Although, you’re not sure if the word ‘smooth’ is the right one to describe it. It happened slowly and gradually, that you barely noticed it but now that you look at all the clues and details, it makes a perfect sense and you come to think; how stupid were you? You should’ve seen it sooner. You should’ve focus on those details more. And most importantly, you should’ve never trust him the way you did.

Cheating is unforgivable and unforgettable. But there was still a time when you ignored it, purposely tried to be blind about it and pretended that it never happened. But it broke you even more. How can it not?

It started with the lack of his presence. The usual excuse; the work got busy and they needed me. Funny how the word ‘they’ should’ve been in a singular form rather than plural. And at first, you believed that. Why couldn’t he be busy? Being an idol practically screams busy and unavailable but even then, you as a couple managed to get through that. You respected his profession just like he did yours, there was no reason to compare your two different professions. You were proud of him, fuck, you still are. Despite of what happened, you’re still proud of him for working so hard to the point the whole word knows who he is and they praise him for his incredible ability to comfort people with his music and lyrics.

It didn’t come weird to you when he started to stay nights somewhere else, rather than by your side and in his luxurious apartment placed in one of the newest buildings in Seoul, with a perfect view of Han River and center of Seoul. When he asked you to move in, you knew there’d be times when he would be just too busy but you also knew, it’d be a great opportunity to be closer to him. And a next step in your two year relationship. So naturally, you thought he’s just spending the nights in his studio and in the company. Oh, how wrong you were.

Then secret calls and messages happened.

Yoongi has always been a quiet man who liked his privacy, but not to the extent of changing his password and holding his phone for a dear life. It’s not like you went and snooped around in his phone, trying to find something suspicious or something like that. It happened randomly when you saw him unlocking it with a different password, when he laid on the sofa next to you. His Touch ID was broken and it was dark for his Face ID to work. If those two things didn’t happen, you’d never know or maybe you’d find out eventually. Regardless of that, maybe it was the universe giving you a first sign.

Yoongi always used to go to another room whenever someone called him, it was just his pet peeve. He wanted to go somewhere quiet where he could discuss an important business. But after he started to close a door and you couldn’t hear his muffled voice, so all you heard was a complete silence or whispered words, it started to become weird.

Third thing that caught your attention was the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Sure, Yoongi’s a busy man with a hectic schedule and life, but he used to find the time to appreciate you in more ways than possible. Even if it was just a quick sex to get a relief, and he drifted to sleep right away, he still whispered soft I love you’s into your ear. When days became weeks and weeks became months without him even touching you, you knew something’s wrong. He can be busy, but he’s still a man with needs like you’re woman with the same ones. You don’t have to mention dates, because those didn’t happen as well. And when Yoongi came home with a weird purplish mark on his chest, which you randomly saw because he started to shower alone and wouldn’t ask you to join him like he used to, you knew he’s getting his relief somewhere else.

It hurt. Maybe you have it all wrong, maybe it’s not how it seems. You desperately tried to persuade yourself, but things never got better and they just got even worse. So, you buried yourself into the work and distanced yourself just like he did but still, none of you voiced out the problem even though you both knew something’s wrong. Your relationship stopped having a future. But why can’t he just end it?

Why does he keep sneaking behind your back? He even started to be lazy with precautions, and left his phone on his nightstand one evening.

‘see you tomorrow, can’t wait x’, said the text.

The woman’s name almost burned your eyes but no, it was your tears that did.

And that’s how you’ve spent your nights, crying into your pillow and the person who was behind your crying was nowhere to be seen, and all you’ve had left was his empty side of bed. Where there were no tears left to cry, anger replaced the sadness and hurt. You were angry, but still holding yourself in your boyfriend’s presence. It wasn’t hard, he was barely present in your own presence. He made it easy.

But even anger didn’t last that long and you slowly became numb. Numb to the pain, to the anger and any other emotion. That’s what he’s done to you and he should’ve seen it coming.

Just like when he opens the front door, completely tired and worn out, met with the sight of two big suitcases. He knows they belong to you, his own are plain black but that’s not why he recognizes it at first. It’s because those are the same ones he helped you with when you moved in. Dropping his keys onto the small cupboard, he walks deeper into the huge apartment to find it just in the exact state. However, what’s different is you walking out of the bedroom with a bag in your arms, along with your phone. You don’t notice him, you’re too busy trying to check if you’ve packed everything and there’s nothing left of you. You don’t plan on coming back and if there’s something you accidentally forgot, you don’t want it. You’d rather lose that thing than to come here again and be reminded of the biggest heartbreak you’ve ever experienced.

“What are you doing?”

You almost jump at the deep and velvety voice, eyes widened at the sight of what used to be your boyfriend in front of you. He eyes your bag, a silent question decorating his features.

“Leaving,” you answer nonchalantly, almost scoffing at him. How the fuck does it look like? You surely aren’t going on a holiday.

“Why?” he asks, his voice suddenly getting more cautious and louder when he sees your distance, especially when you walk past him.

His footsteps are heard behind you, and you wish he’d just ignore you like he’s been doing for the past couple of months.

“We both know why,” you mutter, rolling your eyes before you stop at the picture frame that’s sitting on the dresser. It’s the picture of you and him, taken sometime when you started dating. It’s your picture and you’re the one who brought it when you moved in, it’s been decorating Yoongi’s apartment ever since.

That’s the one thing you’re willing to purposely leave behind, you don’t want that.

Feeling his eyes burning at the side of your face, he’s got the perfect view of it being expressionless before you walk past the picture like it means nothing. Because it does. It used to be one of the most precious things you've ever owned. It was decorating your home, a sweet reminder of your boyfriend whom you loved very much at that time. You missed him every minute but whenever you looked at that picture, it brought a warm feeling to your heart. It made all those moments when you finally were by his side, able to kiss him, even more precious. Now, that picture brings nothing but emptiness and irritant feeling instead. And it's only one person's fault and that person is standing just a few meters away from you with the most heartbreaking eyes. As if you're the one who broke him first.

“Come on, we can talk about this. Please, just let’s sit down and talk about this.”

The desperation that raises up in his tone is quite surprising to you, but you don’t react. Just when you’re standing in front of your suitcases, you glance at him. He stares at you with a hopeful gaze, but you just shake your head.

“What’s there to talk about?” you ask him.

It’s that unbothered tone and expression that makes him panic. Why are you so calm? He knew this day will come, but he hadn’t expected it to be so soon.

“We both know this is not working out.” you tell him calmly.

“Baby,” he tries, causing the corner of your mouth to quirk up but it’s only for a second. It’s sarcastic that he remembered to call you that just now, when he barely called you anything in months. “Please.”

“Why don’t you go back to whoever you’ve been fucking behind my back?” you ask him, raising a brow at him.

He opens his mouth, a horrific expression decorating his pale face acting like it’s not obvious. At first it wasn’t, you were too blind at the beginning and then too stubborn to admit something your mind was telling you.

“Let me—“

“What? Explain? No, thanks. I’m done, Yoongi.” you tell him, turning around to grab your suitcases and just go.

When his hand grasps your wrist to keep you in place, your eyes snap to him ready to cuss him out but you’re speechless when you see the tears forming in his eyes.

“Please,” he begs, tears streaming down his cheeks. There were times when you’d cry at the sight, doing your best to comfort him but not now. Those times are gone.

Slowly, you pull your hand from his grip, ignoring his hurt face and how it scrunches both in pain and desperation.

Why is he suddenly acting so hurt over you leaving? 

“You should’ve seen it coming,” you tell him coldly, “Fucking someone behind my back— it was just a matter of time before I’d found out and I did. Long time ago but I’m done.”

Turning around, you take your suitcases and reach towards the knob to finally escape the suffocating air thanks to Yoongi. You don’t cry, you can’t and you don’t want you. You’ve already cried enough because of this man that proved to be someone that never deserved your tears. You’re numb to this.

“Before you go,” he speaks up, voice raising in panic when you’re about to open the door. “Is there something I can do to make this better?”

The regret in his voice is audible, but you don’t react to it at all. You see it written all over his face, he realized what he’s done and now that he sees you leaving from his apartment and life, there’s nothing but sorrow and pain screaming from him.

“Before I go?” you chuckle bitterly, “You went first, you went away first as soon as you decided to have sex with someone else.”

And that’s the final straw, he doesn’t deserve a second of your time and an ounce of your attention. Ending it with that, not answering him purposely because there’s nothing that could make this situation better, you take all of your stuff and leave out of his luxurious apartment. Before you fully walk away from him, you grab your keys — the ones he gave you before you even moved in — and you toss it on the floor. It lands right in front of his feet, tears streaming down his face as he looks at the keys. It still has the keychain he gave you.

The last thing he hears is the gentle thud of you closing the door, but to his ears it's the loudest sound he has heard. Along with his cracking heart but it just proves to be even louder.

[skekheck]

Theory: UrVa’s Arrows Were Originally Meant To Incapacitate, Not Kill, skekMal

Maybe this is common consensus, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. On the surface, it seemed like urVa had wanted to put an end to skekMal at the Circle of the Suns and the Hunter escaped before he could finish the job. But then there was this line in episode 10 that always felt odd to me:

urVa: I had a dream that I was one that became two that became one again. I looked through my dark half’s eyes and knew Aughra was right. [...] ...The Hunt must end. 

It’s just “but urVa, weren’t you doing just that a day or so prior?”. But then after rewatching their standoff again it hit me: maybe urVa’s intentions were not to kill skekMal but to incapacitate him.

Let’s look at the scene again

SkekMal was shot a total of three times: the first one through his upper arm, the second around the bottom right of his torso, and the last through his upper leg (possibly thigh?). 

(Sorry couldn’t find a better pic of his leg shot)

Weird places to aim for if urVa had wanted to kill him, right? Wouldn’t he have gone for targets that would more likely result in death, like the throat or through the eye sockets? It’s not like he would miss: urVa’s a master marksman. Instead, all three shots prevented (or at least was an attempt to stop) skekMal without taking his life.

The first shot prevented skekMal from harming Rian. The second was retaliation for ignoring the Archer’s warning. UrVa flat out told him to not approach the Gelfling but you see the Hunter take a step forward anyway, prompting him to release the second arrow. The final one was an attempt to stop skekMal from escaping with Brea. Seeing as how urVa immediately collapsed after firing that arrow, it would have worked. However, he underestimated how committed skekMal was to the Hunt, considering he pushed through the pain to get what he needed done.

Those arm and leg wounds aren’t inherently life-threatening. The arrow in his torso, though, is more concerning. It’s possible it could have had or at least be at risk of damaging his organs. Now, the Skeksis have weird-as-fuck anatomy (that goes without saying) so we have no real way of knowing if it was endangering him or not. But considering the nature of his other two wounds, I don’t think it was a kill shot. A more serious wound, but not deadly if tended to. And that’s probably what urVa intended: he aimed for that spot in the hopes skekMal would stop to take care of his wounds. 

But Weren’t Both skekMal and urVa In Critical Condition?

Oh yeah, they still were and skekMal’s partially to blame for it. It’s not a great idea to move around too much with arrows lodged in you. The arrow heads and shaft could move around and cause more internal damage. SkekMal moving made what would have been minor to moderate wounds way more serious. Not to mention, he never stopped to pull them out and heal himself: he kept those things in. 

And let’s not forget how far of a distance between the Circle of the Suns and the Castle is. There are multiple versions of maps of Thra that have some siginifcant differences, but the main point is those two locations are pretty far from each other. Even if he used Bennu to fly all the way over to the Castle, skekMal would still have to deal with Brea thrashing around on his back. And it looks like he took a detour to grab a cage for her, which he then dragged through the Castle’s corridors. Baiting Rian and his friends just so he can fulfill his Hunt was apparently more important to him than his well-being (which is ironic if you believe skekMal’s philosophy surrounding the Hunt is his own way of self-preservation).

EDIT: Wanted to add that skekMal was in a difficult position in terms of what he wanted. He would know that if he’d pull those arrows out he would have to treat them right away otherwise he’d bleed to death. At the same time, he would also had to keep Brea from escaping. I think he weighed his options and found that he’d had more success just pushing through it and keeping them in then treat them later. SkekMal might had also thought the other Skeksis would be able to treat him if it was serious enough? 

And SkekTek Made It Worse

SkekTek is no doctor. He can cut up and research on animals all he wants, but that doesn’t count as medical knowledge. It’s painfully obvious he has no idea what he’s doing: his diagnosis and treatment of skekMal’s condition is enough proof of that. And speaking of which, skekTek’s diagnosis is full of nonsense:

Skektek: Subject suffers severe exsanguination. Extreme distress to the humus. [...] Imbalance of intrinsic fluids. Manifold ruptures in corporeal morphology. [Checks for a heart beat] Ah. Ah... . Expiration... is... [dramatic pause] inevitable.

Literally he’s saying skekMal has multiple holes in his body and he’s bleeding out. You know, pointing out the obvious. Also, I tried finding out if “humus” related to anything biologically, but all I could find was it’s a term for... soil made of organic matter. I’m not sure what he was trying to refer to, I think he was just misusing it to make himself sound smart.

EDIT: I have been told by a few people that skekTek might be referring the humerus, which is a bone found in the upperarm that’s forms joints at the elbow and shoulder. This would make more sense and would mean skekTek made a proper diagnosis. However, at least to me, it still sounds like he’s saying humus. Another skeksis repeats him and they also say humus, not humerus. Turning on the captions also has it as humus. This could either be a typo or skekTek did mean humerus, but said humus instead. 

And how he actually treats skekMal is atrocious. 

He pulls the arrows out without making any attempts to stop the bleeding, clean the wounds, or apply stitches. He’s letting him bleed out and he should at least know they need blood to live. Do you know what happens when someone loses too much blood? Among other side effects, organ failure and falling into a coma. SkekTek did eventually made an effort to heal skekMal by giving him essence, but it was too little too late. SkekMal’s condition was so far gone at that point he really needed Aughra’s essence to survive.

UrVa’s Intentions

And now we’re going right back to urVa. While thinking over on urVa’s actions, I started wondering if he anticipated skekMal wouldn’t stay put and that the Hunter would do his own self in by moving around with the arrows lodged in him. I mean, urVa is a mystic, an indirect kill would make sense. But giving it more thought, I don’t think that’s the case. A lot of his actions during the series suggests otherwise. 

UrVa was very contemplative, even saddened, about having to end the Hunt for skekMal. He is not like his other half: he respected and appreciated all life on Thra. He also sees the cycle of life as well as the wilderness as something untamable. This is implied while he was talking with Aughra in episode 4:

urVa: We do not get to decide when our part in the song is finished.

While urVa is one of the more proactive Mystics, he still is... a Mystic. He doesn’t believe he should manipulate or control what goes on around him and let things be. The Bestiary book points to the fact that while urVa did keep tabs on skekMal, he never interfered with his hunts. So it was a big deal when Aughra quested him with the task of stopping skekMal. 

Also I’d like to point out urVa and Aughra’s final conversation because it’s also important for this discussion:

urVa; And where does my path lead? Aughra: Into the sands to face the Hunter. urVa: [sighing and looks away from Aughra for a moment] I cannot defeat my dark half. Aughra: You will find a way. But not without sacrifice.  urVa: And if I fail? Aughra: The heroes of Thra will be lost. urVa: Mm... [pauses and takes a deep breath] I will end the hunt. Aughra: Good. Get a move on. You Mystics are not known for your swift speed. We have much to do. [...] urVa: [pauses and looks at Aughra] Will we meet again, Aughra? Aughra: [stops walking, saddened] Hm... [faces him] Some things... even Aughra cannot see, old friend.  [urVa pauses and then groans, walks away from Aughra as they both parted ways for the final time]

He shows a lot of hesitance in completing this task. I’m sure he knew what Aughra was implying: that he may have to take skekMal’s life away but he still went and asked if they would meet each other again anyway. I think he was hoping for a positive answer, that it wouldn’t have to come to that, and seemed disheartened by her answer. But he still tried. He tried to stop skekMal in a way that, while not exactly peaceful, was not meant to be life-threatening. UrVa even pleads for him to stop... twice! The first time as skekMal was making his get-away and the second time while urVa helplessly watched him go after Rian again through the Hunter’s eyes. 

These two only had one scene together so we don’t really know the extent of their relationship. But if there’s one thing that’s clear was the conflict between them. I mean, during their whole duel, the characters were purposely placed on opposite sides of the room while making sure to show that skekGra and urGoh, a pair who were able to find harmony, were always side by side. It’s also in the way they address each other: while urVa does refer to him as his dark half, he also called him by his name. SkekMal, meanwhile, only ever referred to urVa as his title and nothing more. 

But I don’t think urVa had any ill-will towards his Skeksis. He seemed understanding of him and valued his life as much as he valued all living beings on Thra. I think if they both didn’t end up in a near-death situation, he’d try incapacitating skekMal again. However he understood and accepted his situation towards the end: with skekMal on an essence high, incapacitation method was no longer possible. If he allowed it to go on, all of Thra would be at risk. It was a desperate situation, but he knew Aughra was right. She gave up her life for the preservation of the world and urVa knew he had to do the same: for her and for Thra. The Hunt had to end and in order to protect the world he cherished he had to make the ultimate sacrifice. 

[sorcerersofnyc]

The Last Thing Left (Zemo x F!Reader) 9/9 - The Epilogue

If it wasn’t so painfully ironic (and hilarious to watch,) Helmut would find the relationship between Sam and James a little sad.

Ghosts weren’t enough to hold two people together.

While they wait for Torres to locate Donya Madani, Zemo brings Sam and Bucky to the home he once shared with you.

You reunite and he reflects upon his relationship with you (his wife’s friend and his friend’s wife) and your journey from being people with mutual friends to partners.

Part Nine: You Carry On

Angst, brief allusions to sex, I use Serbian Cyrillic as a stand-in for Sokovian.

Note: Main Character is neutral in most regards, but the story was written with my own cultural background in mind. (In other words, I won’t say what she looks like but I envision her as being black.)

First Chapter | Previous

***

You watch him go.

You watch him leave you once again— watch him go off into some dark, unknown future you can never be a part of.

And it hurts.

It hurts to know how much you’ll miss him, hurts to think you'll never see him again.

You take a deep breath (and another and another and another) but the pain only spreads faster as dread closes in all around you.

You feel lost in it, drowned by it, changed by it—but you won’t surrender to it. You’ve walked this road before and you know the way forward. So you take a step, then another, and you turn away from the outside world with a heavy, ragged breath.

The kitchen is far too cheery now. The sun streams inside through the open curtains, and the smell of coffee lingers in the air. Helmut washed the dishes before he left, leaving only his favorite mug behind. It stares at you from its place on the countertop, its dark ceramic gleaming in the light.

You don’t feel your knees buckle or your hands shake, you don’t feel the mangled sob rising up from your chest, you don’t feel the tears that gather at the corner of your eyes and pour down your cheeks like heavy rain.

Your body lurches forward. You reach out to steady yourself but somehow manage to knock the mug over instead. It strikes the title with a sickening clink that echoes through the air.

It chips, but it doesn't shatter. The coffee spills from the mouth and spreads fans out in every direction, staining the tiles on the floor.

Helmut would never know you chipped his favorite mug—but you cry about it anyway.

You cry for the life you could have had together, one where you dumped the stale remnants of his coffee every morning, one where your first kiss wasn’t also the last, one where he held you every day, and you healed your hearts together instead of apart.

You cried because your feelings had no place else to go.

*

Time passes.

*

Time passes.

*

Time passes.

*

You’re alright; you don’t break, or bend, or toil beneath the weight of your grief. The world moves forward, and so do you:

Anežka returns. (“How was the Baron?” She asks you. “We’re the two of you able to… become familiar with one another?” You wish.)

You learn Helmut was taken to the raft. (You order his affairs and have his things sent over to him.)

Sam Wilson becomes Captain America. (He gives a speech that inspires the world to do better.)

The Flag Smashers are killed in a car bombing. (‘No suspects as of yet,’ the report says and your heart tightens at the thought of who might have been responsible.)

You carry on.

*

You receive a package in the mail one day, a thick brochure from The Raft outlining the specifics of a Prison Work Rehabilitation Program.

The front photo was disturbingly picturesque, framing the facility as less of a prison and more like a seaside resort.

'Propaganda,’ you think as you flip through the glossy pages. The program is endorsed by some guy named Thaddeus Ross. You think he was a general or a secretary or something but you aren’t quite sure.

The back of the brochure displays an image of a happy family reuniting and you roll your eyes. Prisoners on the Raft don’t get to go home to their families.

You toss the brochure away without a second thought.

*

A few weeks later, you’re sent flowers after an art show. It’s a beautiful arrangement; twelve thick-stemmed roses wrapped in gold foil.

It adds a classic touch to the modern look of the Visiting Artists’ Office, standing out amongst the dark tables and chairs. But it’s the card that catches your attention; it was left completely blank.

You aren’t sure how you feel about having a secret admirer but you take the flowers home regardless. They’d look nice in a vase near the window, the bright reds mixing with the autumn leaves.

The trip home is short and uneventful and you thank your driver on the way to the door.

You slide your house slippers on and are surprised to see Anežka’s pink one’s by the door as well. You can hear her in the kitchen, opening and closing the doors of the pantry as the air grows warm with the spices of her favorite tea.

“Anežka,” You call out, “I’m home!”

You set the flowers on a side table, barely conscious of the soft footsteps trailing in from the kitchen till Anežka sets her mug down on the coffee table.

“Look what I’ve got. A 'secret admirer’ sent them. Should we put them here or downstairs?” You take an artful picture of the arrangement.

“Neither is a wholly appropriate place.”

You freeze.

Your mind draws blank as it fails to process the words you heard someone other than Anežka speak.

You turn around quickly, knocking the flowers off the table as you do.

“Helmut?” Your voice lowers as a million feelings bubble up inside of you. They threaten to explode.

Helmut is there—right there—dressed in nothing but a bathrobe and his house slippers with a cat-like smile stretched across his handsome features.

He strides forward with confidence, stopping so close you nearly reel back.

“These are special flowers, драга, brought all the way from Ecuador.” He kneels before you, the hem of his robe splitting at the knee to offer a very seductive glimpse of his thigh.

He reaches around you, grabs the fallen bouquet, and sets them gingerly on the table as he stands. “We should place these in your bedroom so you may admire them every night.”

“What’s happening?” You finally manage to ask him, “what’s going on?”

“I’m home,” Helmut teases, speaking as though you failed to notice his soft brown eyes, his damp hair, or the heat that surges between you as he stands close enough to touch, to kiss if you wanted.

He brushes a hand against your cheek.

“Helmut,” you whisper again, but your voice is stern and more controlled this time. “How are you here? You’re supposed to be in Raft.” Despite your words, you lean a little closer, resting both hands against his chest, near the opening of his robe.

“It seems someone of great influence decided my sentence was better served outside the walls of the prison.”

“Like civil service?” You ask, but then you remember the brochure you received in the mail— the propaganda, or so you believed. “Or… Prison Work Rehabilitation?”

“Something like that. There’s a team,” he makes a flippant gesture with his hand before bringing it to rest on the curve of your hip. “Though I needed time to address the matter of my… financial limitations.”

“Limitations?”

“Of course.” He pulls you closer, encircling you in his arms. “The holder of my assets is quite a formidable woman. I thought it best to pay her a visit, to request access to the full extent of my resources. As stubborn as she is, I assume it will take a great many visits.”

“That would be wise,” You nod slowly, a wide smile coming to your face.

“I can’t be with you always, драга,” he tells you, “but I will be here.”

And you don’t quite remember what you promise in reply (or if you promised anything at all) because he kisses you.

Your fingers slide down his chest, brushing past his chest hair and the little charm he wears around his neck.

You don’t know how long you stay there, kissing, and sighing, and melting in the arms of the man you love, but you’re vaguely aware of being walked back against the wall, of the front door opening and closing at some point, and of Anežka pausing by the threshold, groceries in hand.

“Anežka,” He greets her, but his dark and hungry gaze lingers on you, only you.

“Hello, Baron… It’s good to see you.” Her voice waivers, but the sentiment is real. “M-Miss,” she nods in your direction.

“Hi, Anežka.” You’re not quite sure what to say.

“Why don’t you take a few days off?” Helmut suggests, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I’ll take care of things here.”

“O-of course, Baron—Thank you.” Anežka glances between you one more time before setting the bags down near the door. “Good luck, Miss!” She calls out before leaving.

And as her footsteps grow quiet and hush in the distance, his eyes meet yours and his kiss finds its home upon your lips.

(And later when Helmut comes undone beneath your gaze and the rocking of your hips against his, you bring him home once again.)

And he keeps coming home to you.

***

And so we've reached the end. Thanks so much for reading! I appreciate all the support. This was my first fanfic in many years and I'm glad I could bring it to a close.

The end is a bit of wishful thinking on my part but I wanted to end on a happy note.

I'll probably write one or two bonuschapter that's basically just smut. So if you're 18+ and would like to remain on the taglist (or be added,) just let me know!

Taglist:

@actuallyanita, @fillechatoyante, @viviace, @buckyandlokicanhaveme, @sapphiredreamer26, @robur-bellicum, @apparrio

Previous

[colehasapen]

(ONE SHOT) I see ghosts in their smiles  DC

A03

Bruce never fully understood the relationship between Flash and Green Lantern. At a glance, they were so different that logically one would think that they'd fight more than they had, but that had never been the case; Barry and Hal had bickered, had argued, but rarely ever fought. Barry had been mild mannered and polite, while Hal was brash and confident, but these differences hadn’t driven them apart, in fact, it had brought them together. The two of them had been a pair on and off of missions, though many hadn't known the true extent.

Not until it was too late.

The Founders though, they’d all been well aware. They’d had a front row seat to the evolution of the relationship between the two of their more colourful members. They’d seen the two of them go from acquaintances to teammates, to friends, and then to lovers. They’d all teased them in their own ways, found them wrapped around each other in some way or another; they’d interrupted dates for missions, had stumbled across them in embarrassingly compromising situations, had even offered them their blessings, because despite everything, Barry and Hal were good for each other. Somehow, despite being the two most scattered members of the League, they managed to ground each other.

Barry and Hal had been a good pair, but Barry’s death had been the start of Hal’s downward spiral. Barry’s death had been a wake up call for them all, in the same way Jason’s death had been for Bruce; they’d all known, of course, that they were flirting with death everyday, but it hadn’t truly sunk in for a lot of them until Barry had sacrificed himself to save the world.

Now, they were both gone. Both dead; and despite all the differences Bruce had had with them - Jordan more so than Barry - he  misses them.

He misses the old Flash and Green Lantern, more than he ever thought he would. It makes the fact that there’s two new heroes in their place all the more painful.

Wally West and Kyle Rayner.

Bruce has known Wally since the boy was a lanky teen in yellow following his uncle like a cheerful, friendly shadow. He’s known the young man since he was a child, and it’s strange, seeing him in Barry’s place. It’s thrown all of them off balance, having one of the children they helped train standing among them. Wally’s the Flash now, a young man, but Bruce still looks at him and sees the child that used to come over every weekend to play with Dick.

Kyle Rayner doesn’t have that same history. For all intents and purposes, he had been a normal kid until the ring had chosen him and he’d become the last Green Lantern in the galaxy. He’s a nice enough kid, of an age with Bruce’s own boys, with a relatively clean record that paints an image of a friendly, easy-going artist with his head in the clouds. He’s good at what he does, despite learning it all on his own, and mostly competent despite how new he was at hero-ing. But Hal’s actions had proved that they had to be wary of Lanterns, proved that Bruce had gotten too complacent around his teammates, and he wouldn’t make that mistake again. Bruce keeps the new Lantern at an arm’s distance, close enough to stop if he loses it too.

Watching them together is like looking at ghosts.

"It's like watching  them all over again." Clark’s voice is nostalgic and sad, and Bruce very pointedly forces his eyes away from the two young men huddled together near the back of the cafeteria. Superman’s eyes are distant, but there's a light of understanding inside of them when he meets the other hero’s gaze.

Clark knows him too well.

Despite not answering verbally, Bruce inclines his head and grunts.

Wally and Kyle had been a couple no one had suspected, not with the way the two of them bickered. They’re both young, rash, impetuous, and it tends to lend to an image of two young cats hissing and spitting over territory; somehow, without any of them really noticing, the two youngest main roster members of the League had drifted together and meshed despite everything. The arguing had gone from genuine antagonism to something fun and easy that others often found amusing in darker situations.

Now, it wasn’t surprising to see them tucked together with some game or another, or surrounded by snacks in the common room. There had been plenty of talk between the older members of the League, those who had known about their predecessors’ relationship, about another iconic Flash-Green Lantern duo, to the point where Bruce almost decides to not put the two young men on missions together any more, just to avoid having to look at ghosts every day.

But they were good at what they do, and they work well together, despite their bickering, almost like they know instinctively what the other needs in the thick of things without needing to communicate. They tend to poke each other into going beyond their limits with well-placed quips and jokes, and they get the job done quickly and efficiently.

It really was like looking at Barry and Hal again, and maybe that wasn’t a good thing, considering Barry’s death had just been the start of Jordan’s spiral.

Clark offers him a sympathetic smile, “The kids are growing up fast.” The Kryptonian hums slightly, slanting him a slight look. “I always thought it would be Dick and Wally in the end.”

He’d thought the same too, but Dick wouldn’t appreciate his thoughts on it.

Bruce winces slightly, “Nightwing’s happy with Starfire and Oracle.” He says. He’d always thought the same, with the way his ward and Barry’s nephew had been as teens; he knew they’d tried it, had experimented together quite frequently, just like he knew they ended it on good terms as friends, because it was what worked best for them, in the end.

They’d been good together, but they’d decided they were better as friends and teammates, and Bruce would respect that choice. It was the least he could do, after everything he’d put Dick through.

Clark nods his head, right as a burst of laughter drags both of their attention back to where Kyle and Wally are sitting. At some point, Kyle had flipped his sketchbook construct to show whatever he had been drawing to the redhead, who had dissolved into cackles at whatever was on the page, snickering into his food. As they watch, the young Green Lantern grins boyishly, leaning forward to give the speedster a quick peck on the cheek before shoving a hand full of fries into Wally’s mouth and laughing himself.

Around them, the noise had drawn the attention of other heroes in the cafeteria, and Bruce doesn’t need to look to see that they’re all softening at the sight of the two young men.

“They’re their own people.” Bruce says finally, “Their own heroes.”

Clark nods, expression soft, “It’s different.” He admits, “But sometimes I still end up calling them by another name.” He shrugs, looking repentant, when Bruce frowns at him. “I called Wally, Barry the other day during monitor duty, because he said something that reminded me too much of him. I mean, it’s not surprising that he  would act like Barry - but it throws me off sometimes.” Clark looks sheepish, apologetic, “It’s strange, having Wally working with us. He’s a good kid, but-”

“-But he’s not Barry.” Bruce agrees with a sigh. “We always knew he would take over as the Flash after Barry.” Barry hadn’t exactly been quiet about it; he’d been so proud of his nephew, and would tell anyone who listened that Wally would become the Flash someday, that he’d be even better than Barry.

“I’d always hoped it would be because Barry retired.” Clark says sadly, “Have a few kids; they did such a good job with Wally. Maybe he and Iris would have managed to talk Hal into coming with them - Hal never could deny them anything, even if he tried to act tough.”

But they were all dead - Iris first, then Barry, and then Jordan.

“Kyle’s a good kid, too.” Superman continues, “Ernest, creative, even if he’s a little rough around the edges. The Lanterns would have loved him - probably would have taken him under their wings.”

Bruce grunts, and Clark slants him a knowing look. As much as he likes Rayner as a person, or how much he reminds him of Dick, he can’t trust him, not after Jordan proved to them how dangerous an uncontrolled Lantern could be.

“He’s  not Hal, Bruce.” Clark points out, “And Hal did the right thing, in the end - thanks to him.”

“Jordan proved that I was getting too complacent.” Bruce says blankly, “Every hero here is just one bad day away from becoming the very thing we fight.”

Clark sighs, leaning forward to press a kiss against Bruce’s cheek, there and gone. “My break’s over.” The Kryptonian says apologetically, smiling. “You should go home and get some sleep, Bruce. A full eight hours, at least.”

Another laugh rings out, and Bruce turns his head just enough to see that Wally had scooted his chair closer to Kyle’s, their knees bumping, and he’s moving to playfully pull the dark haired Lantern closer to press their lips together with a cheeky grin. The ketchup smeared across the artist’s cheek was proof enough of what they had been doing before.

It’s damningly charming, and sweet, but all Bruce can think when he sees them is that there’s a chance they could end up in the same situation as Barry and Hal. There’s too many ghosts in his head, too many skeletons in his closet, and two of them wear crimson and green.

[msyuksanh]

“Sly” | Jamil Viper x Reader

Summary This little story is set after the events of Episode 4, and sees how a crush can form on the Scarabia Vice Dorm Leader...

Rating: G Characters: Jamil Viper Location: NRC Kitchen, Library

———

It was busy in the NRC kitchen, one early evening, with the Scarabia students running around getting ready to take dinner back to the dorm.

Jamil moved around the kitchen tasting the food, giving the okay, or making adjustments. Such was the norm, and the students always enjoyed joining the Vice Dorm Leader make dinner because they knew whatever it was going to be it was going to be both a feast and absolutely delicious.

The Ramshackle dorm residents, all two of you, had stumbled upon the Scarabia students in the kitchen by coincidence when Grim decided to go on a hunt for a can of tuna after he’d discovered he’d eaten through his stock.

In the aftermath of Jamil’s overblot, you and Grim seemed to be quite welcome to join the dorm in a variety of activities. Kalim would take you and Grim on magic carpet rides across the desert to the oasis and you’d have fun playing in the water or relaxing in the sun. Sometimes the Octavinelle trio would be invited, and you’d have a party there with all the Scarabia students.

Jamil and Azul had fun with their new found rivalry playing board games, and their weekly sessions involved a new one every time. So far the score was tied with both winning and losing equally.

“You only won because you’re used to accumulating a vast fortune. Only this time it was in property…” said Jamil picking up the small green houses and red hotels.

Azul could only keep the smug grin at bay for so long. “Well, when you have life experience why not use it to win? I’m sure you’ll beat me if there’s a game about cooking…”

Jamil shot Azul the dirtiest look.

It really was enjoyable seeing different dorms socializing together.

Even though Kalim and Jamil’s relationship seemed a little strained after the overblot situation, Jamil looked as if he were a little more comfortable in Kalim’s company. And even though you had  only being around him for those few days during winter break you could see Jamil was looking a little more relaxed these days.

Admiration started to grow within you whenever you noticed Jamil smile a little more, or when he got excited during board game night, or when he said something encouraging to one of the dorm students. It really was commendable how he learnt to accept himself as more than just Kalim’s aide.

A while back you’d noticed Jamil studying alone in the library, but you didn’t really know him then. After winter break there were times you’d decided on the off occasion to sit at his table to study. He stopped reading or writing to look up at you with a blank expression, and you smiled back to show you were harmless. However, he immediately returned to what he was doing. At first it was a little off putting but you slowly got used to it. Jamil was very studious and it was understandable he didn’t want to be interrupted mid-flow.

The few times you’d sat at his table you couldn’t help but feel guilty thinking your presence was bothering him, so you figured it was better for you to move. Although once, you were reading mid-sentence when you felt someone pull the chair out from beside you. You were surprised to see the Scarabia vice dorm leader setting up his work area.

“Is there a problem?” Jamil asked sitting down and opening his book.

“No” you replied with a small smile.

To be honest you rather enjoyed his company despite at the time not really having had much conversation with him outside of niceties.

The next few library sessions after that it was natural for you both to sit next to each other, and at times Jamil even gave you advice with things you didn’t understand. The things you didn’t understand was a lot because quite a bit of the content was about magic and you…were not a magic user.

Grim never studied with you in the library. He found it pretty boring in there, and his personality was so big that maybe, you thought amusingly, the library couldn’t contain it. So whenever you mentioned you were headed that way he would sing “Boring!”, and wander off to other dorms to see who was free to hang out/where he could get free food.

Of course, whenever a test was coming up Grim would panic a few days beforehand because he clearly hadn’t studied, and so you would have to pull all nighters with him up until test day. You couldn’t find it in your nature to leave him high and dry, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t irritating. And since you both were here in the college together counting as one student; if he failed you failed.

“How do you keep up with all nighters and regular classes then?” Jamil queried.

“I don’t know…I think I might just be a really good person” You said feigning innocence.

Jamil scoffed. “Isn’t there a way to make life a little easier on yourself?”

You pursed your lips and tapped your chin in thought. “What if I were to threaten not to help him and pretend I don’t care that we’ll be kicked out and that we’ll be barred from entering Night Raven College ever again and he’ll never be an all powerful wizard?”

There was a moment of silence.

“You’ve been thinking about that for a while, haven’t you?” Jamil asked.

“Yeah, a little bit”

Jamil chuckled hearing more of your interactions with the little monster. You thought he maybe found some parallels with his friendship with Kalim and he understood to some extent the difficulties you had experienced.

There were times when Jamil explained some things to you and he pointed at your book with his pen. Your eyes would wander from his hand, up his arm and to his angular face with its stern expression…and those soft looking lips. You realized how close he was and immediately averted your gaze back to your book. He asked if you’d understood and you answered honestly with a “no”. He laughed gently and, thankfully, explained it again. Sometimes he was even proud of some of the scores you’d got on tests, and took partial credit due to his expert tutelage. His words, not yours.

There was excitement and anticipation slowly growing within you whenever you went to the library. Would he be there? Would he not? More often than not Jamil would be there, or he’d turn up a few minutes later after you’d sat down. Oddly enough, you both never scheduled a time to meet, and yet somehow you both knew the other would be there. If you were to actually agree a time to meet, would it have put into the universe the suggestion that you actually…liked him?

Back in the kitchen the food was almost ready. Jamil had sent students back to the dorm with plates full of food, cutlery, bowls, etc. They were all so excited to head back they were practically running towards the Hall of Mirrors.

“Grim, I’m putting you in charge until I get back. Make sure the students are dishing up the food properly and make sure every student gets enough, alright?” Jamil directed at the flying fire monster.

Grim puffed up his chest in pride. “I see you recognize leadership when it’s staring you in the face”

The little creature beat his chest gently and grinned widely. “You can trust me, Jamil!”

And off he flew ahead of the last of the students. You heard him in the distance suddenly taking an arrogant tone; clearly the power having had already gone to his head in those last 10 seconds. You could only roll your eyes and laugh.

All became quiet with only you and Jamil left in the kitchen, and you became increasingly aware of that fact. He was wiping down counters and putting things away, and all the while you were trying to stave off the nervousness of being alone with your crush.

Although, suddenly feeling guilty he was clearing up while you stood there doing nothing, you asked: “Is there anything left to do? Can I help?”

Jamil walked back over to one of the counters and you followed suit.

“There’s just this last basket of bread to take; other than that, no. But, thank you”

The vice dorm leader smiled softly at you appreciating your offer. You smiled back and took a step forward to admire the handmade bread stacked up in the woven basket. It smelled amazing and you could still see a little steam rising from the small buns having come out of the oven a few minutes ago. Jamil really was an impressive cook. It seemed to you there wasn’t anything he couldn’t do.

You reflexively took a step back as he picked up the basket. You looked around the room to do a final check, and when you turned back Jamil was stood in front of you.

You looked up at him with an innocent smile and cocked your head in confusion.

“Could you hold this a second?”

“Oh, sure” You answered and placed your hands around the handles as he took his away.

As you looked back up you felt hands around your face, and before you knew it Jamil had leant in and pressed his lips against yours. You reflexively closed your eyes but your brain was a hot mess of thoughts. You had to concentrate hard on making sure you didn’t drop what you were holding but at the same time you were confused, panicked and…happy?

Your body started warming up and your heart started beating faster as Jamil pressed harder.

That was it. The bread was going to go on the floor. You couldn’t tell your body to keep hold of the basket any longer not with the kiss getting more and more heated by the second. Your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest.

Just as fast as Jamil had entered your space, he’d pulled away and took the basket from you. He headed toward the kitchen door leaving you in a trembling stupor.

As he’d reached the doorway he turned back after realizing you weren’t following.

“Are you coming?” Jamil asked with an evil smirk.

With a hand on your forehead covering your eyes, you needed a moment to process what just happened.

And what did just happen? Your crush kissed you out of the blue. And you liked it. And you liked him. And, judging by his actions, he likes you back.

You tried so hard to stifle the wide grin that appeared on your face. You even tried biting your lip, but that didn’t help in the slightest.

You decided to walk towards him but the floor mainly held your attention because you knew if you were to make eye contact your stupid goofy smile would come out and you didn’t want to give Jamil the satisfaction. You could feel his gaze on you and you knew the kind of cocky, smug expression he had.

You bit your lip every time you remembered the kiss and you cursed the boy for making you so uncontrollably giddy.

When you got to him you punched him lightly in the arm and carried on your way. Jamil laughed heartily and caught up with your stride.

“I hope you’re looking forward to tomorrow’s library session” He said with a playful tone.

You wrapped your arms around one of his and turned to bury your hot face against his shoulder as you both continued walking.

Even though you were feeling elated you felt like you wanted to run back to your room to roll around on your bed to calm yourself. What face were your making when he kissed you? Was he expecting you to kiss him back as hard as he did? Did you embarrass yourself at all beforehand?

You peeked up to look at Jamil and he had the cutest little smile, and maybe even a light tinge of colour on his cheeks.

The warmth and happiness you felt from his expression calmed you down a little and brought back your own smile.

Maybe Grim should eat through all his cans of tuna more often.

———

Thank you for reading!

(NB: what is English 😭😭)

[winter-soldier-vibes]

She’d rather be beautiful than alive (Avengers x Anorexic reader)

She'd rather be beautiful than alive

Based loosely on the song Deadly Beauty by Alexa Shea

Avengers x anorexic reader

Word count: 2070

Warnings: anorexia, purging, over exercise, depression

Summary: Reader has a serious eating disorder and the team decides to hold an intervention.

-------------------------

Nobody saw it coming. No one needed to. 

You were always so….well, you. Badass fighter, wouldn’t take no for an answer, life-loving Y/N! There was never any reason for anyone to worry about you. But little did they know

You had a secret. 

You had just gotten out of a serious relationship. You had loved him, but apparently he didn’t  anymore. No, you had found out he had been cheating on you. Someone who was prettier than you, skinnier than you. And that was a few weeks ago. You never stopped loving him, and you’d do anything to get him back. 

The team knew that breakup was pretty rough for you, but you hid how torn apart you were. You didn’t want them to worry about you or think that you were being stupid for feeling so broken because of him. 

It started out small. You began skipping Cap’s training sessions, claiming you were tired, but in reality you couldn’t sleep. You made it up later in the day, spending hours on the cardio machines or punching away all of your feelings. You stopped eating. You couldn’t...no, you wouldn’t. After seeing him with that skinny girl? No way. But when the team all got together for meals, you would participate so no one would get suspicious. Afterwards, you would go to your room and put on some music before going into your bathroom to get rid of the little you had eaten.

You were convinced that if you were perfect you could get him back. But what you didn’t realize was that you were already beautiful. And because you didn’t know this, you were destroying yourself in the pursuit of perfection. And you told yourself “I’d rather be beautiful than alive.”

This went on for a few months. Your clothes became baggier, you became more withdrawn and anxious, and you were obviously getting thinner. At first the team had pegged it on the breakup, thinking it would be a phase and that you would get over it. Plus, you were eating around them, so they weren’t too concerned. But the longer this went on and the more weight you lost, the more concerned the team became. 

They tried to approach you about it, but you would just wave them off or change the subject. You didn’t want anyone to stop you from becoming perfect. You were losing significant amounts of weight and along with it, your strength. You were spending more and more time in your room, too afraid of the conversations the team was trying to have with you.

The team decided to take the time to have a meeting to discuss what was going on. They were all worried about you and wanted to figure out the best way to move forward.

They all gathered in the living area in silence for a few minutes, no one really knowing how to start. Most of them were sitting, but Steve stood, not feeling able to sit. They were all really worried about you and your health. They knew it had been a hard time for you recently, but things were getting out of hand.

“So what do we know right now?” Tony started.

Steve sighed and leaned against his hands on the back of his chair. “She stopped coming to training sessions a few months ago. But later on in the day I’ll find her in the gym. I don’t really think anything of it but sometimes I’ll walk by hours later and she’s still on the same machine. She’s lost a lot of strength and she’s lost a lot of weight. I mean, I know she eats with us but I don’t understand how she’s gotten so thin.”

Bucky entered the conversation, adding “I’m not so sure she’s sleeping anymore either. She always seems so exhausted.”

“But is that exhaustion from lack of sleep or lack of food?” Nat asked. Everyone turned to look at her with confusion. “Oh come on, I mean, yeah, she eats with us, but like...once every few days? Has anyone seen her outside of that?””

The team dropped their heads, trying to think of the last time they had seen you eat outside of the team meals only to realize they hadn’t seen you period outside of team meals. 

The team fell silent again after a few solemn shakes of their head. After a few minutes, Bruce said, “I think I know what’s going on.”

“She barely eats anymore, she goes to the gym for hours at a time, she’s withdrawing, she’s lost significant amounts of weight, hiding in her room, not sleeping…” He looks up to see everyone staring at him. “Guys, I think she’s anorexic.”

At first people started to protest, but then realised that it made a lot of sense. They fell silent again, until Steve asked “When did this even start? Why would she hurt herself like this?”

After thinking for a moment, Bucky said “Her boyfriend.” He looked up to meet the eyes of the rest of the team. “After they broke up, she started distancing herself from us. Stopped eating, upped the workouts… God how did we not see this sooner?”

Knowing he was right, they all began to have different reactions.

Tony was angry. He didn’t understand why you would do this over some asshole. Bruce was concerned, a little more so than everyone else due to his medical background. Sam, Steve and Bucky were ready to go kill your ex out of pure rage. And Wanda and Natasha were already trying to think of ways to help you, you were like a sister to them. But underneath all of this, everyone had a similar feeling - they all blamed themselves.

For not noticing sooner. Hell, for not doing something sooner. They let you brush them off, they would watch you overwork yourself, they watched you dwindle down to nothing - they let you slowly kiil yourself. 

“So what do we do now?” Steve broke the silence. 

Everyone looked at Bruce, figuring he would know since he knew the most about Anorexia. He paused for a minute before stating “Well, we should probably set up some sort of intervention. She needs to know we care. But…” he shakes his head before continuing “She’s not going to be very open to it. She’s probably going to get really defensive about it and deny it to some extent. But there’s no telling how it’s going to go.”

“So when should we do it?” Steve asks

“When should we do what?”

Everyone whipped around at the sound of your voice to see you standing at the entrance of the living space. No one had heard you walking in. 

“Hey, Y/N.” Bruce spoke. Can you come sit down?”

You wanted to say no, as you had been on your way to the gym. But you had picked up on the serious tone in the room, and nodded your head, sitting in the chair that Steve was standing behind. He walked around to the other side of the room and looked at you. “Are you okay Y/N?”

No, you did NOT want to have this conversation. You weren’t done yet and you knew they would just stop you. You needed to be perfect and you weren’t there yet. “Yeah, I’m fine. That's it?”

“Y/N, no you’re not. Don’t lie to us.”

“Tony!”

“What he means,” Bruce interrupted, more gently, “is that we’re worried about you.”

You looked at him and attempted (and failed) a smile. “Why would you be worried about me?”

Bruce sighed before continuing. “Y/N, you’re not eating. You’re extremely thin. You work out way too much every day. You’re withdrawing, you’re tired… what’s going on?”

“:No I’m not!” you exclaim, standing up. You ignore the black invading your vision. “Look, I appreciate the concern and all, really. But I assure you, I am fine. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go.” You begin to make your way to the door you came in, but Bruce nodded at Steve who then stood in front of the doorway.

“Steve, please get out of my way.” you said while averting your gaze. If you made eye contact surely he would know something was up.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that Y/N.” he said gently. 

“Steve, please -”

“Y/N, I’m sorry but you’re not going anywhere until you talk about this.”

At that moment you felt extremely trapped. You were panicking. If you didn’t get out of sight soon you would break down in front of everyone. You weren’t ready for that. So you showed an emotion that was much more comfortable: Anger.

“Steve, seriously, just move the fuck out of my way.” You attempted to push him, but to no avail. You kept trying, but because he was Steve and you being so weak, nothing happened. You kept pushing until Steve grabbed your wrists and your anger began to melt into anguish. “I’m not perfect yet.”

This took him by surprise, and he looked to everyone else in the room. No one else had heard what you had said. He led you back to the chair, tears beginning to brim your eyes as you kept your head down. Steve took a deep breath before asking “What do you mean you’re not perfect Y/N?”

Your tears began spilling over, and you shook your head. “It’s not going to make any sense to you guys. Just forget it…”

“Y/N, whatever it is, we just want to help. What’s this about?” Bruce said.

You put your head in your hands, trying to hide the shame and panic in your features. You started, “I just...I thought… if I….then maybe…” you sighed, and pulled at your hair for a second, tying to ground yourself. After a few seconds you closed your eyes and tried again. “When I broke up with (name of ex or someone you want attention from), it was because he was cheating on me. He was seeing someone who was just...better than me. God this sounds so stupid...sorry… I just thought that if I was better then maybe…  maybe he’d come back. At least that’s how it started. Now… I mean I want to stop sometimes, it’s just… I just feel like I’m too far gone. I’m sorry…” 

By this point you were shaking and you couldn’t bring yourself to look at the rest of the team. You felt panic setting in now that everything was out and you just wanted to get out of the room, away from watching eyes. You tried to get up and leave again, but this time it was Bucky who stopped you. He had been sitting right next to you and grabbed your wrist, standing up with you. You tried to wrestle your arm free, but he just encased you in a hug. You fought for a few seconds but then gave way, crying into his shoulder. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Bucky asked you

You stepped back and sat back down. “I didn’t know what to say. I thought...I just don’t know how to stop.”

“Just let us help you. Please, Y/N, we want to help you.” Bruce offered.

“I can’t stop…”

“Yes you can, Y/N. you mean so much to everyone on this team. You are amazing, forget whatever he made you feel.” Steve began. “I’m sorry we didn’t say something sooner.” you saw the rest of the team nod their heads. In response you shook yours. “I never thought that it would go this far.”

“Hey,” you looked at Bucky sitting next to you. “It’s not your fault. You’re trying your best with what you were given. It’s okay. And it’s going to be okay even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.”

You looked down. “Thank you guys. I’m sorry for all of this.”

Sam finally spoke up. “No sweat, kid. Now, remind us of this dude’s name.”

You looked at him puzzled. “Why?” 

“Because I think it’s time the Avengers pay Mr. Son of a Bitch a visit.”

You laughed and looked up at the rest of them. “I really do love you guys.”

[cogentranting]

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes and Mockingjays and Roses

*Warning: Full Spoilers for The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes*

Symbols are an important part of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. Symbols are used to mark the identities of different characters, define relationships, and provide thematic links to the original trilogy. The symbols work to create a tension in the story, a question of whether they complement or contrast. Symbolism is used to explore two of the most influential people in Snow’s life: Lucy Gray and Katniss. 

The various symbols associated with Lucy Gray are color, music, and birds. Each of these things plays a special role in the story and serves to distinguish her from Coriolanus. In a typical setting, love interests with different symbols could be understood to show how they complement each other-- opposites attract, two halves of a whole, etc. This novel lets the reader play with that interpretation for a large portion of the book; the story questions the relationship between them, wondering repeatedly how strong, or even how genuine, their love is. Ultimately, however, the contrasting associations sets them up for their final conflict and foreshadows the eventual destruction of both of them. 

At the first sight of Lucy Gray, she is in a “dress made of a rainbow of ruffles” (24). In her first interview she says “the Covey love color” (53). The Covey are all named with colors. Lucy Gray wears bright colors at all times. The snakes which end up being drawn to Lucy Gray in the arena are bright neon colors. The colors represent her exuberance, her love of beauty, her eccentricity, her freedom to stand apart. But Coriolanus is white. The absence of color, the opposite of all that Lucy Gray loves and represents. However, this symbol for Coriolanus is not prominent in this book. In fact it only really exists in this book in the form of his last name-- Snow. Even that is not the name he goes by. But it is the name that forms his connection with the Capitol and all that it represents: Dr. Gaul calls him by his last name; the Capitol media makes frequent plays on his name; he is associated with the legacy of his family name; in the peacekeepers he is officially addressed as “Private Snow”. It’s also used as the voice of his ambition in the phrase that he and Tigris use, “Snow lands on top” (9). Eventually, when his character arc is complete and he has embraced evil, he switches to going by his last name, as the Epilogue exclusively refers to him as “Snow”. However, to fully grasp that a part of the symbolism of his name relates to the color white requires knowledge of the Hunger Games trilogy. There Snow is represented by his white roses. The roses are present in this book, but they are colored roses. Therefore, Coriolanus being symbolized by white is not a constant in The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, it’s a progression. It is Coriolanus turning against what drew him to Lucy Gray. While the progression is ongoing, the decisive moment comes when Lucy Gray uses the bright orange scarf he gave her to set a trap for him (or at least so he assumes) (581). The shift is there as he is “betrayed” by Lucy Gray’s colors, and the fulfillment is present in the person of President Snow in The Hunger Games.  By knowing the trilogy, the reader knows Coriolanus’s future and can see that he eventually eschews color, choosing the stark white which here sets him apart from Lucy Gray, but will also inevitably mark the violent contrast between him and the Girl on Fire. 

The second hallmark of Lucy Gray is her love of music. Her singing is her survival. It’s how she earns her living in District 12. It’s what unites her with her family. It’s how she expresses her emotions. It’s how she attracts attention at the Reaping and how she gains enough favor to win the Games. Coriolanus does not start out opposed to music. In fact, it initially attracts him to Lucy Gray, especially since one of her songs she sings in the Capitol awakens memories of his mother and a song she sang to him that “mentioned loving him” (78). Music is associated with his mother on several occasions, and his mother is the figure who most represents love and goodness for Coriolanus. When asked how he is like his mother he replies that they “shared a fondness for music” but also internally admits to himself that “she liked music, and he didn’t hate it, he guessed” (290). Despite his positive associations with music and his connection with people who love music (his mother, Lucy Gray, and also Pluribus), Coriolanus himself does particularly like music and doesn’t really understand it. He notes that he “can’t really sing” and when he sings the anthem “his singing was more like sustained talking” (127, 129). Beyond lacking talent, it seems that music and poetry are something that he cannot grasp; all the Capitol’s songs “sounded the same to him”, and Livia Cardew mocked him for “his inability to decipher the deeper meaning of a poem” (185). This extends later into the novel when he specifically fails to grasp the meaning of Lucy Gray’s song, which he describes as “nonsense words” and “ridiculous” because he “couldn’t make sense of it” (425, 427). Coriolanus has an inability to understand something that is an essential part of Lucy Gray which represents a failure to connect to her on a deeper level. It also distances him from those characters who demonstrate positive moral character: Lucy Gray, his mother, the generous Pluribus, and Sejanus (who Coriolanus notes had “always been good at rhetoric” (427)). Livia Cardew attributes this to Coriolanus being “self-absorbed” (185). The presentation of this trait within the book represents his moral failings and his rejection of the Romanticism which defines the Covey and the philosophical rhetoric of the Rebels and Sejanus. This puts him at odds with all that the novel holds up as praiseworthy. His attitude toward music only worsens as the book progresses and he finds that he is “weary of the infusion of music into his life. Invasion might be a better word” (445). He feels the way it pushes him away from others and threatens his position. But the significance of the music does not stop with the concept in general. 

The novel features the lyrics of multiple songs. Lucy Gray’s ballad is notable for the way it describes her mystery, how it shows Coriolanus’s failure to truly understand or appreciate her, and how it foreshadows his hand in her destruction. However, as he brings about her destruction, she has a hand in his eventual destruction. Lucy Gray is revealed to be the writer of the two songs from the Hunger Games trilogy-- “Deep in the Meadow” (“Rue’s Song”) and “The Hanging Tree”. “Deep in the Meadow” has less prominence in this book. The context is essentially the same-- Lucy Gray sings it as a lullaby to Maude Ivory in the same way that Katniss sings it to Prim and Rue-- so it carries the same weight initially. It is a symbol of peace and comfort and love. These are things which are mostly denied to Coriolanus and things which he rejects by the end of The Ballad, and actively seeks to destroy in The Hunger Games. However, it is eventually used against him, as Katniss’s use of the song-- her gesture of love for Rue-- is what causes the first sparks of rebellion to rise up in District 11. “The Hanging Tree” plays this role to an even greater extent. Lucy Gray writes the song about a moment that Coriolanus is present for and deeply disturbed by (350-351). The song is, on one level, about doomed lovers. Within the song you have Arlo and Lil-- two Rebels whose fate is mourned and romanticized, and whose doom Coriolanus has a hand in, already casting him in the role of antagonist. However, there’s also the speaker in the song. At one point in the narrative, the speaker is Billy Taupe calling to Lucy Gray. With him in the role of speaker the love story of the song is poisonous-- when they can’t be free together, Billy Taupe wants her to die rather than be free without him (487). After his death, the song transfers to be a call from Lucy Gray to Coriolanus. However, his character is entirely antithetical to the song. He rejects the dark romanticism that makes star-crossed lovers appealing, and rather than being willing to “wear a necklace of rope side by side with” Lucy Gray, he tries to kill her, betraying her and everything she and the song stand for. The song could also be applied to another pair of star-crossed lovers-- Katniss and Peeta. In their Games, Peeta tried to save her life-- “called out for his love to flee”-- then they try to survive together-- “I told you to run, so we’d both be free”-- and when that hope is lost they are prepared to die together-- “wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me”-- in order to deny the Capitol its victory and its ownership over them. Despite being the only couple without a literal connection to the Hanging Tree (and being a fake couple at the time of their actions) Katniss and Peeta most truly embody the spirit of the song, which Lucy Gray calls “too rebellious” (491). The song is meaningful on a broader level because it subverts the symbol of the Hanging Tree, which is meant to be an instrument for the Capitol’s control, and turns into a symbol of love and hope for freedom and resistance that would rather die than submit to the Capitol. Katniss later takes this song and transforms it into an anthem for the rebellion. In fact, it’s compared by Lucy Gray and Coriolanus to the Capitol’s anthem, saying it “has authority” like “when [Coriolanus] sang the anthem in the Capitol” (491). Katniss gives it the platform to be the rival anthem that it was destined to be, and she uses it to attack Snow. Lucy Gray haunts Coriolanus through the Hunger Games trilogy through her songs. These songs which are all that remains of the girl he betrayed and destroyed, come back as weapons against him, brandished as symbols of all that he and his tyranny stand against. 

Beyond her general association with music, Lucy Gray is associated with birds. Her musical nature makes her a songbird like that of the title and her family is deemed “the Covey”-- covey is a word which means “a small party or flock of birds”. The way she is continually conscious of her appearance early in her time in the Capitol evokes a bird preening, as the ruffles of her brightly colored dress evoke feathers. Coriolanus ends up dealing with birds through his work as a peacekeeper, rounding up jabberjays and mockingjays. While his team member shows an affinity for birds, Coriolanus does not. He specifically notes that while some people “just understand birds” he is certain “that he would never be one of those people” (413). In an immediate sense, this once again signals a distance between him and Lucy Gray. She is a bird that he can never understand. In contrast, Lucy Gray has an affinity for snakes. The clearest counterpart for snakes is Coriolanus himself. His use of poison in this book and the Hunger Games trilogy creates the suggestion that he is venomous (especially when the evidence of his poisoning is found in the sores in his mouth). Dr. Gaul also breeds deadly snakes in the same way that she grooms Coriolanus into the man he becomes. Her snakes ignore him as if he is one of them. And Lucy Gray “always knows where [snakes] will be” (433). She uses her understanding of snakes to her advantage, dropping one down Mayfair’s dress, leaving one as a trap for Coriolanus, and poisoning Treech with one. The snakes in the Games end up drawn to her and soothed by her singing. Coriolanus is drawn to her and her singing in the same way, and likewise is used by her to win the Games. Lucy Gray seems to understand Coriolanus in a way that he can never understand her. However, she may have confused him for one of the non-venomous snakes from District 12, rather than a snake specifically bred to kill by Dr. Gaul. Or perhaps she subconsciously knows the truth about him since she states, “I love all kinds of things I don’t trust… snakes. Sometimes I think I love them because I can’t trust them” (441). Regardless of how his role of a snake attracts Lucy Gray, her role as a bird creates tension with Coriolanus. The wildness of the birds unsettles him. He expresses the belief that they’d be happier in a cage, but both Bug and Lucy Gray believe the birds should be free (418, 421). It reflects Coriolanus’s relationship with nature in general. It cannot be controlled and so he dislikes it. When he first sees the woods he is afraid of them; “the disorder alone felt disturbing” (348). This is a stark contrast to both Lucy Gray, who frequents the woods with the Covey, and Katniss who thrives in the woods. In similar fashion, the plant that Katniss is named for, and which aids in Lucy Gray’s survival (435, 497) grows wild, while Coriolanus’s signature flower, his roses, are domesticated and highly cultivated. Coriolanus likes only what he can control. It’s when he realizes that he cannot control Lucy Gray that he turns on her. This distinction takes on further relevance in his specific response to the jabberjays and the mockingjays

Coriolanus appreciates the jabberjays because they can be controlled easily with a simple remote control. Mockingjays, however, represent the uncontrollable. His reaction to them is immediate: “he’d spotted his first mockingjay, and he disliked the thing on sight” (352). Later he advocates killing all the mockingjays because “they’re unnatural” and “he distrusted their spontaneous creation. Nature running amok” (417). Lucy Gray on the other hand loves the mockingjays. When the mockingjays take up her song “the Covey were all smiles” and Tam Amber asserts “like sandstones to diamonds, that’s what we are to them” (439). Here Coriolanus expresses that what he fears most is that the mockingjays have removed “the Capitol birds from the equation” (439). He deeply believes in the need for the Capitol to maintain control, so something that openly flouts the need for the Capitol’s influence is both frightening and a threat to the beliefs that define him. Coriolanus eventually uses the jabberjays (a symbol of Capitol control) to betray Sejanus. In return, Lucy Gray uses the mockingjays to protect herself from Coriolanus as he hunts her (504). If she survived the encounter, it is because of the mockingjays. With his transformation into Snow complete, he is able to return to the Capitol. When he looks back on his time in District 12, he views Lucy Gray not as a lost love but as a conquered threat. Because Lucy Gray was someone he could not control he repaints her in his memory as someone who manipulated him and made him feel jealous and weak (516). But with his new power Snow is assured that “she and her mockingjays could never harm him again” (516). The memories have been twisted to associate Lucy Gray with mockingjays and in turn with harm done to him, though neither has ever actually harmed him. However, knowledge of the Hunger Games trilogy reveals the clear irony of his statement. Katniss uses the mockingjays to help her in the Games and makes them a tool for herself. They then become a symbol of the rebellion for the very reason that he initially hated them. Katniss comes to embody the things that mockingjay symbolizes and she and that symbol are the rallying point for the rebellion. Because of the Mockingjay that he can never predict, understand or control, everything Snow is and has built is destroyed. 

Lucy Gray is a vibrant character that tempts Coriolanus toward a better life and a better way of being. Everything about her symbolizes a potential for good within him in his early years. However, he fully and irrevocably rejects that good. In doing so he commits his first great sin and destroys Lucy Gray. But he is unable to entirely destroy her. In fact, he’s never even sure if he killed her. Instead, she stays on as a ghost girl, her influence haunting District 12. From her influence rises Katniss, the Girl on Fire, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of the songbird Snow killed. Katniss is symbolically linked to Lucy Gray, but at the same time wholly distinct. Through her, Lucy Gray haunts Snow as punishment for his crimes. This link between the Songbird and the Mockingjay represents the way that Snow’s evil paved the way for his own destruction, but more importantly it shows that the things which he rejects and opposes and tries to kill cannot be destroyed. The spark of hope cannot be put out, beauty will not be tamed, and rebellion cannot stay dead in the face of tyranny. Those things were always destined to destroy him. Though The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes may end with “Snow lands on top,” Lucy Gray is the persistent reminder that “The show’s not over until the mockingjay sings.” 

[deja-you]

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

t. jefferson x reader

summary: you tell yourself lies because you know the truth would crush you.

word count: 2.2k

warnings: somewhat smut (but like, not really, more like a heavy make out sesh) and lots of angst. this is like 60% angst even though it’s really 100% angst.

masterlist

You don’t even think about him anymore.

The scalding hot tea cup in your hand could’ve burned off your finger points to the point where you wouldn’t be able to be identified anymore and you wouldn’t even notice. The cool feeling of sheets against your skin. The vibrations from music that’s playing too loudly. The barrage of water droplets in the shower. You couldn’t feel anything anymore, and there was a time where you would feel everything to its fullest extent. 

Maybe you couldn’t feel anything anymore because you could still feel his touch on your skin. That was too overwhelming, wasn’t it?

People said that the first thing you forget about a person is their voice. But you could remember Thomas’s voice all too well. You could remember the sound of his laugh when you told a joke that you knew wasn’t that funny. You’d never forget how your name sounded on his voice in between kisses. 

It wasn’t likely you would stop thinking about what he looked like, either. No, he was just too memorable that way. Bright eyes and wide grin. You forced yourself to stop thinking about him before you fell in love all over again. 

At times like this, you’d stop thinking about the sunshine he created and you would remember the storms. The terrible, horrible storms that washed up in faded photos months later. Tornadoes that ripped through your soul and left you with broken pieces to put back together. Wild fires that made you feel more alive than you had before, but left you with a charred core and third-degree burns. 

Even after living through the apocalypse, you knew you’d do it all again if you had the chance.

You don’t think about that evening in his kitchen.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on,” he mumbled in between kisses. “God, you’re so beautiful.”

Thomas could feel the vibrations of your laugh when he placed kisses upon your neck. “Does that line ever work?”

“You telling me it’s not workin’ on you, sweetheart?” The satin of your dress began riding up your thighs as Thomas’s hands travelled further up your legs. The hickey he was currently sucking onto your neck made you lose any ability to speak.

Thomas pulled away just long enough to shrug off his jacket, and then his lips were back on yours, his thumbs sliding the thin straps of your dress off your shoulders. He gently pushed you back against the cool marble of his kitchen counter. Thomas pulled your hips against his.

You gasped his name in between kisses. “Thomas, you don’t want to... you don’t... you don’t want to move to the bedroom?”

“Sweetheart,” he pressed a kiss along your collarbone between every word. “I. Want. You. Right. Here.”

You groaned when you felt his lips leave your skin and cracked open one eye at a time. Thomas stood over you, his hands on either side of your head. You tilted your head to the side.

“What is it?”

He drew his bottom lip into his mouth and shook his head. “Nothin’. Just admiring the view.” 

You smacked his chest and rolled your eyes. “Put those lips to better use.”

Thomas did, and you couldn’t help thinking this is going to ruin me. I want it to.

You don’t miss those weekends when you’d visit his family.

“Of course you’re good with children, too,” you rolled your eyes. 

Thomas briefly looked up from his two-year-old niece he was playing with. “S’that a problem, sweetheart? I read somewhere that girls find guys who are good with kids attractive. I hired this child actor just to impress you.”

You laughed through your nose and shook your head. “You know what? I wouldn’t put it past you.”

“You know I’d do anything to impress you,” he said with a lopsided grin. Thomas turned back to his niece and waved a rattle in the air above her, making her giggle loudly. 

“Is there anything you’re not good at?” You leaned against a wall and took a second to appreciate just how perfect this moment felt. 

“M’not very good at Pretty, Pretty Princess.” He admitted with a shrug. “You always seem to get all your jewelry pieces and the tiara before I can. I don’t get that.”

“It’s a luck game, Thomas.” These were the days where you couldn’t stop smiling.

“Still think it’s rigged,” he mumbled under his breath. “I think we should play again. I have a new strategy that I think will get me that tiara this time.”

You hummed softly. “Maybe after lunch. And speaking of lunch, I should go help Lucy out. Set the table at the very least.”

Thomas glanced up at you and furrowed his brows. “Now don’t go and be too helpful. I swear my sisters already like you more than me. M’afraid they’re going to try and replace me.”

“Can you blame them?” You teased. 

He laughed and picked up his niece, holding her closely to his chest. Thomas walked over to you and placed a chaste kiss on your cheek.

“No, I can’t. You’re perfect, sweetheart.”

And you’ve kept your distance since the breakup.

Once more you feel his arm laid around your waist like a laurel wreath or the best of your plans that had gone awry. 

If it wasn’t for the cool air drafting through the cracked open window, the discarded tie on the hardwood floor, and the steady breathing of his body beside you, you would’ve thought you were dreaming. Well, it was less of a dream and more of a nightmare that had been haunting you for months. 

Thomas shifted his weight on the bed, alerting you to his state of consciousness. You shut your eyes quickly, hoping he’d believe you were still asleep. It would be easier if he just left without saying anything. You could both pretend like this relapse had never happened. 

One hand gripping your waist, Thomas leaned forward and pressed his lips against your skin. 

He left kisses against your neck like he wanted to leave you with something more to remember him by than just the scars on your heart.

You kept your eyes closed when you felt his weight leave the bed. You kept your eyes closed when you heard him picking up his scattered clothes from around the room. You kept your eyes closed when you knew he was pausing in the doorframe of your bedroom, watching you “sleep” and wondering what things could’ve been like if he hadn’t messed up. 

It was only when you heard the front door of your apartment shut behind him that you opened your eyes.

Immediately, you wished you had kept them shut. The empty bed was an open wound that had never scabbed over. There was no trace of Thomas left in your apartment. No proof that all the events that had occurred the previous night hadn’t just been in your head. 

You didn’t cry. You would’ve welcomed tears with open arms at this point. Anything would be better with the cloying taste of emptiness that was left in the back of your throat. 

You don’t replay scenes from that night again and again and again and again in your head.

“We’ve both made mistakes, sweetheart.” The enchanting nickname you used to love was being twisted against you, and you hated it.

“Don’t compare me to you. I’m nothing like you.” The words were spat out like venom. 

“It takes two people to destroy a relationship!” Thomas’s voice raised a few levels.

“But I never slept with your secretary!”

The words struck him like a knife to the heart. Thomas hadn’t realized you had known about his affair. Of course you did. It all made sense. The guilt that had been building up for weeks now finally reached a breaking point when he saw the hurt look on your face.

Any anger Thomas held dissipated, and you turned away from him, not wanting him to see just how much he had broken you. Something in you wanted him to yell at you, tell you you were wrong. You knew the truth, but you desperately wanted Thomas to lie to you one more time. It could be good like that. It would be better. 

The denial that you prayed for never came. 

“Could you forgive me?” The words were nearly silent, like anything louder would break the fragile tension between the two of you. 

“I would do anything you wanted me to do. Of course I could forgive you. Just don’t ask me too. Because forgiving you would absolutely destroy me.” You told the truth and decided then and there that you didn’t like telling the truth. 

“So we’re over, then?” Thomas leaned against the counter, and you didn’t know this at the time, but if he hadn’t leaned against the counter, he was sure he would’ve collapsed. 

“Yeah. Yeah, we are.” You wiped at the tears on your cheeks and hoped he couldn’t hear them in your voice.

“I guess this is goodbye.”

You never loved him.

Not when you came home after a long day to find him playing the violin. Especially not then. 

Thomas didn’t even notice when you walked into the apartment. He got like that when he was playing. He wouldn’t be able to hear anything over the sound of horsehair on strings, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

You set down your bag on the kitchen counter and pulled out a chair. After dealing with your coworkers who were incapable of the smallest tasks, you were ready to collapse. Thomas’s music had a lulling affect, and you had almost fallen asleep right there in the kitchen when he stopped playing.

“Hey, sweetheart. I didn’t hear you come in,” Thomas said as he began putting his violin back in its case. “How was your day?”

You slowly opened one eye to see his smiling face. “It was good.”

It wasn’t completely a lie. When you would look back on that day, all you could remember was the evening you spent with Thomas. The sound of his violin playing some vaguely familiar tune. Your loud laughter that must’ve woken the neighbors. The food Thomas claimed to be “fine cuisine.”

“It’s delicious, sweetheart, don’t even try denying it,” Thomas pressed a few buttons on the microwave and it whirred to life.

“Thomas, it came out of a cardboard box, and the ‘cheese’ was a powder!”

“It’s an easy and efficient meal, if anything, I think that adds to the appeal.” Thomas may have been a star in the courtroom, but you were struggling to see how he ever won any arguments.

“I know you can cook. And I mean real food. Remember that time you made Italian for our anniversary?” You reminded him. 

“That was a good meal, wasn’t it?” Thomas mused. 

You nodded. “You made the pasta by hand. I think that was the best dinner I’ve ever had.”

“Well, I’m about to top that dinner.” Thomas pulled the hot bowl of macaroni out of the microwave and set it in front of you.

You looked down at the bowl, then back at Thomas. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“M’not.” He shook his head and handed you a spoon. Thomas leaned forward on the counter, waiting for your review to come in. 

You laughed and shook your head. “You’re ridiculous.”

What you meant by that was “I love you,” and Thomas knew.

You don’t love him.

If you had a nickel for every time you told yourself that, you would’ve been able to move out of this apartment that still felt like him. You’d have enough money to move out of this godforsaken city that always felt like him. 

He had left his mark on everything in your life. You couldn’t escape him. The coffeeshop near your work reminded you of him. Your favorite song on the radio reminded you of him. Board games reminded you of him. Your own kitchen reminded you of him. And every god damn box of Kraft macaroni and cheese reminded you of him. 

Even in a city with a population of 8.3 million people, you couldn’t avoid him. Occasionally, you’d see Thomas walking into a grocery store while you were on your way to the dry cleaners. All the glue, tape, and bandages you had used to put your heart together again would fall apart. 

You told yourself that one day you would get better. That one day you wouldn’t fall apart at the mere sight of him. Who knows, maybe one day you’d be able to hold an entire conversation with him.

Thomas wasn’t a mess like you were, even though you hoped he would be. From what you’d heard from mutual friends, he seemed to be handling the break-up well. The knowledge that he was fine when you weren’t was another stab in the heart. 

But maybe those same friends told Thomas that you were doing fine as well. On all accounts, you looked like you were doing fine. It was only when you locked yourself away in your Thomas-free bedroom that you could really be honest with yourself.

And if tissues filled your room, who would know? You were the only one who had to face the unmade bedsheets and piles of unfolded laundry. If anyone asked, you kept your room spotless. 

And if you asked yourself, you would say that you didn’t love him anymore. 

The lies we tell ourselves.

[nakedmossy]

Alone, Together - Chapter 3 [JJ x Reader]

JJ x READER

Description: JJ is not the only pogue on the cut who deals with abuse at home. Reader is an only child who lives with her mom and her abusive stepdad, has a strong relationship with JJ because they share the same home life. Reader experiences physical abuse for the first time, which changes her relationship with JJ irrevocably.

Chapter summary: John B brings JJ back inside to talk to you, things get heated, and then things get *h e a t e d*

Disclaimers: Mentions of physical abuse, swearing, alcohol.

_________________________________________________________

You trusted John B to bring JJ back before he did something reckless, but you saw the look in JJ’s eyes and knew that not even John B could help him when JJ put his mind to something. This had blown up into a bigger mess than you could have predicted...but, to be fair, you hadn’t known your ribs looked so bad and would have tried harder to hide the bruises if you did.

You and Sarah stood in front of the mirror again and she ran her hands gently over your bones to make sure there were not obvious cracks or bones out of place. You had told her it hurt but not that bad, but she hadn’t listened.

“We should get these looked at...properly. Just to be safe. Don’t want you popping a lung because there’s a piece of bone floating around.” She said as she rubbed some numbing ointment on the skin.

“It’s fine, Sarah. Seriously. I’m alright.”

Sarah looked at you in disbelief and chewed on her lips as she resumed her work. When she was done she helped lift John B’s shirt above your head and pull it down so you didn’t need to lift your arms as high. You followed her into the kitchen and sat down at the table again, grabbing one of the beers and holding it for a few moments as you stared out the window, listening for John B or JJ. 

“We need to find them” You said quietly, bringing the beer to your lips and taking a quick swig. It burned your throat but immediately started to soothe the pounding in your head.

“John B will bring him back” Sarah said, not touching her beer, just staring at you. You looked back at her and raised your eyebrows as best you could without hurting your eye. 

“What” you insisted, tired of her looking at you like you were going to crumble into an ash pile on the floor at any moment.

“I’m worried about you, Y/N. I know that this is...not as wild to you or JJ as it is to me...but this is pretty fucked up. This isn’t normal.”

“I’m aware of that.” You said, slightly bitterly. It was one thing for the pogues to say that to her, but for Sarah Cameron to say it felt different. Lucky her to be from a wealthy family that never put her in these situations. Must be nice.

“I mean...you passed out at the party, Y/N” She continued, leaning forward and putting her elbows on her knees. “I’m worried about you.”

“It was just...a panic attack. I think.” You looked out the window again, trying to squint and see if you could see either of the boys. Nothing.

“Since when do you get panic attacks?” She snapped her fingers, drawing your attention back to her. “How hard did he hit you?”

“What? He hit me...hard, Sarah....look at my face.”

“Yeah, my point. I don't think it was a panic attack. I think you might have a concussion.”

“Those aren’t symptoms of a concussion.”

“Well...still. I don't know. I’ll call my family doctor tomorrow, see what he says.”

“Fine” You said nonchalantly, standing up from the table to see out the window better. 

You could see the top of John B’s hat in the distance now, then his arms go up the air. He was ... flailing. Then you could hear JJ yelling, and his voice getting closer. Suddenly the screen door flew open and JJ burst through, John B tailing him close behind.

“JJ” You said quickly, watching his red face calm slightly when he saw you. He put his hands in the air and sat down at the table, grabbing one of the beers. “John B” You acknowledged him and he nodded once, then told Sarah to come with him outside for a minute. Sarah, confused, stood up and followed him out.

You were alone with JJ in the dimly lit kitchen, the sound of the screen door squeaking shut breaking the silence.

“You okay?” You said slowly, sitting down at the table across from him.

He stared at you for a few seconds blankly before putting his beer on the table and putting his hands behind his head.

“Are you?” He asked before closing his mouth and grinding his jaw.

“Why do I feel like I’m in trouble right now” you said sternly, leaning back in your chair and taking a drink of the beer that constituted a chug.

“Why didn’t you tell me about...” He motioned at your stomach/rib area and grimaced. “You told me he hit you once and you left.”

You took a deep breath and shrugged, looking back at his cold eyes again.

“I left a few of the details out, but it doesn’t make much of a difference.”

JJ leaned forward and put his elbows on the table, frustrated and pinching his fingers together in synchronized pointing motions.

“This was not just a fight, Y/N. He didn’t just lose his cool and smack you around. He beat the shit out of you. If I had known the extent of it when I saw him-“

“What?” You interrupted, leaning forward to match his posture. “You would have what, JJ? Done some stupid shit? Gone after him and got yourself hurt? Psh” You flicked your hand in the air and leaned back, shaking your head. “Exactly why I didn’t say anything.”

His nostrils flared and he grunted before running his hands over his face, exasperated. You could tell he was upset with the situation but right now it felt like he was upset with you, and it was making your stomach and your head hurt more.

“Look, JJ. I appreciate that you are trying to look out for me, but...I can’t be in this position right now. I can’t feel like I need to protect myself and YOU from him. I cant”

You stood up and started walking away from the table when you heard JJ’s chair scratch along the floor and his footsteps behind you. He put his arm in front of you, blocking you from going down the hallway. He was right behind you, so close that if you moved either direction you would bump into him. You turned your head to look up at him, challenging him with your facial expression. His head was hanging, hair falling into his eyes. He normally towered over you when he was slouching, let alone standing tall and trying to block you.

“Y/N, please. Talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?” You said back, your eyes lingering on his jaw line and neck veins. 

“I don’t know...that you know you’re safe here. That you know you can talk to me.”

Your chest felt tight and you swallowed the lump in your throat. 

“Of course I know that” You said quietly, your voice cracking. You looked back up at him again and felt yourself starting to hold back tears. “That’s kind of the only thing I know right now.”

JJ’s face pinched and before you knew it he was holding you so gently but so firmly that you felt yourself fall into his chest and collapse against him. He pressed a hand to the back of your head and held it against his chest as you started to cry. Being near him, holding onto him, was the closest feeling to home you knew. You felt him kiss the top of your head before you pulled back to look up at him. He held your eyes and brought a hand to the clean side of your face, putting it under your chin and tilting your head so he could brush a light kiss above your bruised eye, around your bruised cheek, and on your jaw line. Lastly, he slowly placed a gentle kiss on the corner of your mouth near where your lip was split. You felt adrenaline pumping through your body, and your head felt light. It was happening so fast but so naturally that you didn’t need to think about anything, you just let your body move with JJ’s. You had dreamed about this moment for years, but never like this, never in this state. He ran his thumb across your bottom lip and waited until you met his eyes again before you both shared a breathless moment and he lowered his lips onto yours firmly. It hurt, minimally, but you didn’t care at all. You moved your lips in sync with his, hungrily latching yourself onto him and feeling his hand move from the back of your head to the nape of your neck, cradling your head. You pressed your body against him until there was no space left between you. Mindlessly he brought a hand to your rib cage below your breast and you let out a sharp breath. 

“Shit, I’m sorry” He breathed into your mouth between kisses. You shook your head and kept kissing him, managing to mutter an ‘it’s fine’ inaudibly. 

You pulled him by his shirt backwards down the hallway until you bumped into a wall, catching your foot and tripping you slightly. JJ hooked a hand under your thigh and lifted you up, cradling a hand behind your back as he lifted you into the air and you wrapped your legs around his hips. He walked both of you into the spare bedroom he always slept in, still feverishly kissing you as if he couldn’t get close enough, fast enough. He was a good kisser, it was fluid and smooth and easy.

You kicked the door shut as JJ walked you both through it, and he gently placed you down on the bed. You watched him as he peeled his shirt off and threw it in the corner, his tanned skin stretched tight over his muscles which glistened with sweat. He leaned down, returning to your mouth and you tangled your fingers into his hair, consumed by him. You felt his hands moving to lift your shirt off, you moved your hands to his belt to start undoing it.

You didn’t want him to take your shirt off, knowing it would expose the bruises again, but JJ’s hands worked tirelessly against you and you relented, lifting your arms slowly and carefully as high as you could without it hurting. He knelt down on the floor in front of where you sat on the edge of the bed and brought the shirt over your head carefully, throwing it in the corner where his laid crumpled in a ball.

With your stomach and ribs exposed, wearing nothing but your bikini, JJ leaned forward and ran his fingers slowly across the tender and bruised flesh, giving you goosebumps. He was eye level with your chest, and started planting kisses first on your collar bones, then in between your breasts, then slowly lower he placed kisses across your bruises, on either side. You kissed the top of his head, then put your hands under his chin and lifted his face to yours. He had tears in his eyes.

“JJ” Your voice broke when you saw his eyes, full of sadness and pain. “Don’t cry, its okay” you whispered, wiping his tears with your thumbs. 

“I love you” JJ whispered back, his voice cracking. “I always have. I know we’ve said it before. But I mean, I really love you, Y/N.”

He didn’t need to say it, you knew what he meant. You knew it was different this time than the handful of friendly “love you’s” you had shared growing up. 

“I love you too” You said back, breathlessly. 

He smiled and pressed his mouth to yours again, lowering you onto your back, climbing on top of you. You were tangled in each other now, legs and arms all over each other, JJ careful not to touch your ribs or bump your face. You felt the butterflies and the tingles and the adrenaline pumping now, you had never kissed anyone like this, it had never felt this good.

JJ’s hand caressed your shoulder, drifting over your chest near your throat, which sent a wave of panic through you, jolting you back and away from him. You covered your throat with your hand, breathing heavily and closing your eyes for a moment. When you closed your eyes you saw a vision of your stepdad holding you against the wall by your neck pass by.

“You okay? What happened? Did I hurt you?” JJ’s eyes were wide and he stayed frozen in place, watching you. You shook your head, shaking the vision away.

“Sorry, I’m sorry” You breathed, stretching your neck around and rubbing the skin.

JJ moved towards you, his hand on your leg, leaving a bit of space. 

“You’re safe with me.” He said calmly, waiting for you to open your eyes. You did, and met his with your own full of disappointment. “It’s okay. We can slow down.”

Frustrated, you buried your face in your hands, letting out a puff of air. You felt JJ’s hands pull yours away from your face, and hold them gently.

“I don't want to slow down” You said in a small voice, sounding as pathetic as you felt.

“What’s the rush” JJ smiled, shrugging lightly. “I want you to enjoy it. I don't want you to...feel that.” He motioned to your throat. You nodded and bit your lip, finding it hard to look at him.

He leaned forward slowly, keeping his eyes on yours, and blew hot breath on your neck before kissing the skin lightly. You swore you felt your eyes trying to roll into the back of your head, you had to close them. 

“Come here” He murmured, opening his arms and letting you crawl into them. He pulled you back onto the bed until he was leaning against the wall, and cradled you in his lap. “This is perfect” He whispered into your hair, kissing the top of your head again.

After the most traumatic, eventful, and tiring day of your life, you fell asleep to the motion of his chest moving up and down and his hands drawing pictures on your back.

[miastideclock]

DAY6 In A Long-Distance Relationship

Hi there! So sorry to hear that you’ve tested positive but I’m happy to hear that you have a good immune system and are in high spirits☺️ Not sure how bad your symptoms are but I hope you feel better soon regardless💕 I’m currently in a long distance relationship and it’s not bad but it’s not great right now so I was hoping I could request how each member of day6 would deal with a long distanced relationship? No worries if not, thanks anyway❤️

that’s so sweet of you, thank you🥺  I’m so sorry about your relationship, and i hope it gets better! 

also, i hope it’s okay that i did this bullet point style, cause that honestly worked so much better than how i wrote it the two first times lmao sorry

-

Sungjin

a cutie

would not really like the whole long distance thing, but what can you do

he would make sure you knew how important communication was to him

“a healthy relationship starts with good communication.”

you couldn’t agree more

if he ever felt uneasy about who you were hanging out with, and how much you hung out with them- instead of letting it boil in the pit of his stomach, he would tell you.

same went for you. if you ever felt he was suddenly talking a tad too much about a certain someone, you would be honest with him

“Babe, I hate to be that person, but that Joey you’re hanging out with him? He gets me kind of weird feeling, like something’s off.” He would say over the phone.

You were waiting for him to comment on it, you had been for a few weeks.

“I know, sweetie. But we’re working on the project together, and we thought it would be easier if we knew each other beforehand, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. Would it make you feel better if we FaceTime’d while me and him were hanging out sometime? That way you’d get to meet him.”

You could hear the sigh of relief he let out when you weren’t annoyed with him.

“I’d love that. Thank you.”

Jae

also very much a cutie

much like Sungjin, he thought communication was important

that didn’t necessarily mean he was very good at it

he had a tendency to come off as waaaaay too jealous, even though that wouldn’t be the case

or, well- he WOULD be jealous, but not to the extent he presented it

“So who’s that guy I keep seeing on your snapchat stories?”

it was one of your late night FaceTime calls, and Jae had been dying to ask, so when he saw the opportunity, he took it.

“Jaaaaeeee.” You would drag out, getting kind of tired of the same question. 

“What, as your boyfriend, I am concerned for who you hang out with just in case they’re a bad influence or something. As your boyfriend, who happens to be your boyfriend, aka. the boy you’re dating- I’m just curious. You know, as your boyfriend.”

You sighed and looked at his face through the screen. 

“The boy you keep seeing on my story, is a girl. Her name is Jenna and she is really sweet. I hang out with her and her girlfriend all the time.” You would explain.

“Ohh, no yeah you’ve talked about her, sorry.” He would instantly apologize. 

“It’s okay.”

A bit of silence.

“So Jenna likes girls, huh? Should I, you boyfriend-” you cut him off.

“JAE!” You cackled.

“I’M KIDDING!”

Young K

you already know i’m gonna call all of them cuties, so there really isn’t a need for its own bullet point.

a cutie

aNYWAYS

He wouldn’t have a issue with the long distance thing, especially since you were still in the same timezone

in fact, he was so proud of you for managing to leave everything behind and pursue your dreams

he encouraged you to go longer and further than you ever had before- to find your passion :,)

Jealousy was also never an issue, as both of you were too in-love to even thing about other people

it was actually almost a problem according to his bandmates

“Did you change the world today?” He would ask with humor laced in his tone as he spoke to the screen that showed your sleepy face. 

“Almost. I’m sure I’ll get it right tomorrow.” You would smile back, forever grateful for the support.

“That’s my girl.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Wonpil

im-

a cutie :)

but this boy

woooooaaahhh- this boy

he would visit you so often you would at times forget it was long distance??

every holiday or long weekend- catch him on the next plane

if he had more than two continuous days off- plane ticket: booked.

it was borderline ridiculous at this point, but you absolutely loved it. 

“Hey babe? You know how you’re always coming here and stuff?” 

It was your daily call, you were walking through the grocery store, and he was on a couch somewhere.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that. I have two days off next week, but I have to be at this thing early the next morning, so I don’t think I can come. I’m so sorry.” He was genuinely sorry about it, and hoped you wouldn’t be too upset about it.

“No worries, cause I just finished my class-project. I have like a week and a half off. Maybe I could come to you? And just chill at your place when you’re at work?” You beamed as you grabbed a carton of milk.

“No way! Really? Holy, I can’t wait!!” He almost screamed, making you giggle.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Dowoon

do i even need to say it?????? yeah i do

a cUTIE

okay, so Dowoon would be a bit different from the other boys, as he would be terrified of you forgetting about him

he wasn’t scared that you would find someone else, he was scared that you would realize he was good riddance. 

he obviously never told you this, so in your eyes, y’all were in a great place

little did you know that if you ever went longer than like fifteen hours without texting him, it would send him spiraling

she doesn’t love me anymore

she knows she’s too good for me

etc etc etc

after a while tho, after Dowoon had rambled to his bandmates about it, they had taken the liberty of telling you how Dowoon felt. 

your heart ached for the boy, and you made it your mission to make sure he felt appreciated and loved.

before you know it, your relationship was flourishing and blossoming more than ever

almost as if you had fallen in love all over again

“you know, i used to be scared you’d forget about me.”

“no way- whaaaat? really? pft, i would never have guessed-”

“the boys told you already, didn’t they?”

“lil’ bit.”

I hope you liked it!!!

Feel free to request more!

-bentley