#it made me feel a lot better too bc i knew i hadnt managed to eat enough today

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

[wiltedsunrise]

sobbing… this is. literally nightmare situation JGKDH the more i like. think abt it. i think i fully checked out during one last phone call hgkdh bc like yeah the resulting reactions were very ooc for me personally 💔 and like during this one call they called me griffin and that made me sooooo so uncomfortable so. knowing i was fixated on anger i could probably say that was david and it was like. before id fuuuully lost contact w the system

bc that i genuinely did!! id had no idea!!!

anyways that call was like hgkdh aaaaaaaaaa

theyd needed a sudden like st loa bc of an unnamed family emergency. right when Hell House OCD Nightmare Apartment piqued. in trauma. we hadnt met in two weeks and i know david at that point was the only one capable of like fronting and had been for weeks due to The aunt and uncle situation. and so he like weathered new job hell job and then Hell House. and gradually used emails more bc i secretly cofronted during his one (1) session w grant and he was like. entirely unhelpful hkghd gave just enough of a reply to not require additional prodding but nothing that would facilitate like actual therapeutic progress. anyways he I Guess felt at that point more comfortable emailing. bc grant and i had long since established that i could keep a therapeutic diary via email and they did not have to read it but they could not respond.

so i later looked back and reviewed my send folder and saw 💔 he. very very graphically described The Bug Trauma. and grant also has ocd so like yeah i was instantly worried id caused that family emergency. denied it real real hard!!!! eventually talked myself out of it.

then they. finally. said theyd call me on monday to schedule our appt. they called at five pm and we were so unwell that wed literally been woken by the call 💔 so we checked in and scheduled a session a week out. an hour later, called back asking to be set up with someone else.

mentioned calling hotlines daily.

and. and i heard them. i heard them. anytime im doing well for too long i suddenly remember those sounds and i. i can never. ever. forget them. i so sincerely just want to talk to them because like good lord shared trauma with your therapist is indeed a nightmare scenario and i really should not know that id triggered them. and they were really quiet so i do not think they knew i could hear but. i could. and i immediately. checked out.

looking back i can tell that finn took over bc they were prominent in chats hgkdh they frequently cofront w david so they both talked to modern path but then finn figured it out bc they saw those clues plus realized grant was real real slow in seeing our request to reschedule. bc emails were triggering. sooooo. they checked out too and then it was just david.

and. well.

more trauma yay!!!!!! good lord.

i feel sosososo bad but. yeah i. i genuinely. i dont know how to move past this without like talking to grant you know hgkhd i point blank should not know this and that call was traumatic hgldh its. man. man.

i should go eat hkghd last night i panicked bc i was fixating on that memory and nicks “ruptured beyond repair” so aaaaa

tomorrow i will.. ask… to not work the next six days with only one day off bc. good lord i genuinely cannot handle that. im hglfh well im getting better at handling this but jlghd ive worked through like. the bulk of it right. now im just left with the core of the trauma which is the hardest to address 💔 but luca the therapist grant recommended and w whom we apparently had a consult. which i do not remember bc again i checked out and was cut off from the system so i remember zero things 💔 well they keep saying i need iop without reading any of my emails which is deeply frustrating bc theyre all really positive you know jgkdh just bc i talk a lot and just bc i have bipolar — MANAGED BIPOLAR at least by me griffin — does not mean i need iop hgkdh they were also like oh i was under the impression u didnt want to work together despite my REPEATEDLY EXPLICITLY ASKING FOR THEIR HELP 💔💔💔 id said u could take ur time reading and replying and then they like

like. dude. hgkdhgldb

they havent responded so i sent a follow up just now and. hgkshlghd mentioned my hearing grant bc. yeah. Yeah. shared trauma 💔💔💔

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

everyone shut the fuck up and CONSIDER trans girl iida

she supposes she always knew unconsciously that there was something different about her but she never rlly put much thought into it until some ppl in the class come out as trans* (like aoyama’s genderfluid, tokoyami’s a demiboy, nd tsu and jirou are trans girls)

and as class rep, but also (and arguably more importantly) their friends, iida wants to make sure she can make them as comfortable as possible abt coming out so she does some research nd stuff. like she knew trans people existed and were valid nd such before but she wanted to get more than just the basic facts

and shes happy for her friends! shes glad they trusted their class enough to tell them, shes glad she can be there for them. but she also notices that she feels rlly...weird? and she keeps doing research just because.......its interesting. but she doesnt know why she finds it so interesting?? and she gets kinda insecure abt that

so she keeps diggin into it and reads posts that trans ppl have made abt their experiences and just classic shitposts nd all that. she thinks the community is great!! and also she finds some fresh wholesome memes to share w her friends so its all the better. right?

but eventually she finds a community of trans girls specifically and she just absolutely COMBS through that. reads every single post there that she can find. but coincidentally she also feels even more insecure now bc shes starting to unconsciously question her gender nd stuff and lets be real folks. an identity crisis is not fun

couple this with the fact that she doesnt experience the traditional dysphoria(tm) that other trans girls seem to universally share, iida gets rlly down abt it. nd it gets to the point she rlly raaaaags on herself for still lookin thro these posts nd stuff and still subtly questioning herself and shes just rlly unhappy at the time :[

nd she doesnt wanna like make tsu or jirou uncomfortable so she doesnt wanna ask them abt it but shes so confused nd frankly hurt and she doesnt know what going oooonnnn with herself

so shes just in this complete funk for a while nd it starts to affect her grades and performance in training. her friends know smths up but iida doesnt know how to even explain how shes feeling so its not necessarily that she doesnt WANT to go to her friends but she literally does not know how to. anyway eventually aizawa keeps her after class and is like “ok iida smths up im gonna call tensei if u dont talk to me”

iida feels absolute HORROR at the prospect of tensei somehow finding out abt this bc oh shit what if he doesnt want her carrying on the name of ingenium anymore??? what if he thinks shes a freak??? what if he thinks shes not really a girl and shes just faking it to be special?? what if- and oh shit thats the first time iida rlly consciously thought to herself “im a girl but what if others dont think i am?”

so she kinda bursts into tears and aizawa internally is like “oh jesus what the fuck” but externally hes like “iida?? r u ok?? was it something i said?? oh fuu- is something wrong with tensei??” and iida just kinda speaks thro her cries like “no nothings wrong with tensei something’s wrong with me” and ill be real folks its real sad girl hours for a bit

anyway iida doesnt rlly elaborate much beyond that bc shes so ashamed and embarrassed but aizawa is like “u’ve gotta talk to someone iida ur friends r worried and frankly i am as well” and iida eventually promises to talk to someone

soo she comes to terms that since she so confused it would be best to ask tsu and jirou abt it even if shes,,,,so v concerned,,,abt making them uncomfortable. but she manages to convince herself that she rlly does need some guidance here and better to ask ppl who know her than ask on the internet sooo

thankfully while iida is working up the courage to ask tsu and jirou to talk, she finds posts derailing terf and truscum shit so she feels. a lot lot better abt everything but particularly the lack of any intense dysphoria she had after reading stuff like that, esp the more verified(tm) articles from the more verified(tm) authors (like doctors and psychoneurologists and such)

so she figures out how she wants to word her questions nd asks tsu nd jirou to meet up. tsu nd jirou agree right away bc all of class 1-a is worried abt their class rep at this point :[ so theyre happy shes finally reaching out

iida is kinda a disaster when tryin to talk but she gets her point across. like “uhh this is a rlly bad way to ask but how did u guys know u were,,,trans?” nd tsu immediately catches on but jirou is only a lil suspicious until further into the conversation

anyway eventually jirou catches on the same as tsu and thats when tsu asks “iida do u think ur trans??”

nd iida is sooooooooo tired of feeling ashamed bc damn. she does think shes trans! she does. she shouldnt feel guilty for how she feels she cant help that. so after takin a moment to steel herself she says “yea” as confidently as one can in the situation

tsu nd jirou r immediately supportive nd ask iida for more details abt how shes feeling nd iida is just,,,so happy,, since shes already on an honesty streak that afternoon, shes able to roughly get her wack emotions into words nd tsu and jirou are like “yea thats valid ur valid iida. it doesnt matter if u dont have the trademark dysphoria or that u didnt know until later in life like ur still young. u say ur a girl, ur a girl” iida cries but only a bit bc damn months of agonizing over this. we stan one trans girl trio.........

anyway tsu and jirou ask her how she wants to move forward i.e. transitioning or telling anyone, and iida hadnt even considered transitioning before bc it felt so out of reach but shes absolutely ECSTATIC at the thought of bein able to look more feminine and it Shows. tsu and jirou r like “ok mood we were like that too right before startin estrogen”

so the first unofficial trans girl trio club meeting ends w tsu and jirou promising to help iida ask recovery girl abt hormones and iida sayin she doesnt want to come out just yet to the class/anyone else in general and tsu and jirou respectin that. i love them yall

anyway after a few months, iida is ready to try hormone treatment so tsu and jirou help her ask recovery girl for a meeting nd r moral support for her while they go thro the process of like figuring out what dosage she should start w/, how long should she take it, when a check up appointment should be, if recovery girl should tell iida’s parents yet or nah, all that stuff. anyway after that,  recovery girl gets her started on hormone treatment which iida is SUPER EXCITED abt and tsu and jirou tell her stories abt when they first started estrogen and AHHH I LOVE MY GIRLS SO MUCH FUCK

anyway eventually after some support from tsu and jirou via the unofficial trans girl club meetings and getting back on her feet confidence-wise, iida comes out to the class :,,,]]] theyre all super supportive and iida cries just a bit. tsu and jirou r so proud of her. aizawa is just glad his problem child #9 is feeling better

ashido and yaoyorozu get together and take iida shopping so she can have more feminine clothes which iida has a lot of fun w......shes never been necessarily big on shopping before (even if she is a part of the rich kid’s club lmao) but this trip is so EXCITING and ashido and momo r so happy for her and so ESCATIC to help her find some clothes and just oh my heart.......

the girls also have a sleepover during which they indoctrinate iida on all things traditionally feminine like makeup nd hair so that she knows the basics should she ever wanna mess arnd with that stuff. but also they just have fun doin normal things and just include iida in on being one of the gals nd iida is,,,so happy. tsu and jirou in particular r arnd her the whole night and wow my uwus they own them the unofficial trans girl club owns my uwus-

anyway so coming out and being accepted and transitioning is going so much better than iida thought it would be. she feels so safe and happy im crying.....anyway eventually some time later iida also gets permission to visit her family during a long weekend/short holiday w/e. nd while there she shakily but steadily comes out to her fam ofc her parents r so proud (her mom’s like ‘’ive always wanted a daughter yes!!! ily tenya’’) and tensei loves her all the same nd she cries a lil bit bc damn,,,,,,shes been fearing the exact opposite reaction for months

specifically she talks to tensei abt it for a little while and mentions her particular fears abt not being good enough to carry on the name “ingenium” nd he smiles at her nd is like “i would rather no one else but my little sister to carry on the name of ingenium” and bruh shes absolutely floored

nd yea. midoriya and uraraka absolutely love love love iida shes still their absolute fav. she joins the unofficial class 1-a trans* club as well as accidentally forms the unofficial class 1-a trans girl club. we love her,,,,

but yeah thats it. this post is so fucking long but oh well. stan iida!

[melto]

//

ok for the past few hours ive been able to like...actually let myself think without panicking  and stuff. but i think i really need to address the effect of unpacking my csa stuff is having on me right now. like yes ive always had a really bad relationship with the concept of guilt especially around relationships, but its extremely amplified from actually having to think about it. i dont really know how to take care of myself when its something i have been refusing to even think about since it happened. and this is only from vaguely bringing it to mention. im having a hard time separating my usual issues that i have been able to control and work on with all this stuff that feels knew. i dont know how to rationalize with it anymore because its so fowl and challenging it means i have to admit what happened to me.

its completely warping my view of myself so ive been backtracking in everything it feels like ive created these loops that just feed off each other and then i get too overwhelmed with it plus the just general bumps in my day to day life. usually when i fall back into disordered eating stuff, its on accident and its pretty easy to get myself back on track...and i think realizing that right now its not just a natural slip of oh i didnt eat a lot today so the next day my body is like wig dude but rather i am actively choosing not to eat even though im hungry because i want to control since everything seems so out of my hands right now and i feel helpless. i dont do good with not being busy all the time, and while i know that overworking myself isnt healthy it was the way i was getting through the days while i figured other stuff out. but now i do nothing all day and i cant focus and breathe or relax. the feeling of disconnect between me and everyone in my life is intensified and ive lost track of the very small amount of sense of self i had that its hard for me to talk with the few people that i did feel connected to because i dont.....ugh. im never good at explaining this stuff but the lack of roles in my life by doing things has made me feel like a shell of a person and like im empty with nothing to offer even more than before so i just. sit here. i was starting to get ok at being vunerable but now i dont know how to actually reach out again and for some reason ive managed to convinced myself yet again that i actually cant be vunerable bc its selfish and others need me to support them and honestly it had been feeling like no one even actually cared about my wellbeing when i did so i just reverted back into this weird complex. i know people dont only care about me to that if i do end up dead they dont have to feel guilty for not trying. i know its not true but it feels like it a lot.

the situation at work isnt helping with that either. i literally.....dont want to talk about that right now. ive had to think about it so much recently bc a full time staff is working on the stuff with me bc its gotten so bad...but god between that and just in general i feel so like. seen and stared at but never heard. its so frustrating but sometimes i dont think i’d listen to me either.

 its so much easier right now to just feel bad and suffer so i dont have to think about anything. but its not fair to the people around me or myself to be like that. i know i can do better and get better. and i know recovery isnt like just an easy thing and it will always have ups and downs and its a lifelong thing...

i want to be good for myself and everyone i come across. i want to grown and heal and i want to be content and maybe even happy. im usually good at being positive and hopeful but i guess ive been losing it a bit...i’d like to have it back. sure when i was up and not in the place i am presently i still had issues. i still didnt have a solid sense of myself and i still felt like i couldnt connect with people and my paranoia would get so bad that i would have meltdowns in the street thinking a mailbox is a man. i still was all fucked up from the way i was abused and rejected by family and my memory has always been so spotty that its frustrating for everyone.

but at least i hadnt let it take away the kindness or whatever. maybe im being too critical of myself. but it was something i could count on to have for myself and others. i want to start working to have it play a major role in my life again. it made me feel good, even when i wasnt in a good head place. i dont want to die no matter how much i convince myself i do. ive tried to write goodbye letters, ive sat with my meds in my hands and i just...cant. i think i want to be alive, truly. and not just out of obligation. even if thats how ive kept myself until now before.

so i think im gonna...try to figure out a better plan to take care of myself during this. like sit down and write it out and set it up so i can work to get back to the place i was and then grow from there. i’ll be good, i will...

[stabbingandorbeingstabbed]

oh mx jarz of killing i. am in a conundrum. i just realize i More Than Like my best friend of 6 years, like a lot more. i knew i was bi, but i didnt know for her and it just hit me a few minutes ago why ive always tried to find reasons to hate her boyfriends despite them being nice and idk she makes me so so happy and i dont wanna ever tell her bc id rather just be her best friend than lose her forever, yknow? but then her smile hits me harder than the sun and im not so sure anymore

oh this is 🥺 okay im. not in much of a position to Advise but!! i Can tell you that something Similar but not exactly the same has happened to me twice and had wildly different outcomes FIRST it was with my best (guy) friend after an ill-advised drunk hookup and i harbored feelings for him for YEARS before ever saying anything and eventually it all came to a head and he didnt feel the same and it. made things awkward for a while but we managed to get through it and hes honestly probably going to officiate my wedding some day like we're bros and i still love him but Not Like That lmao the OTHER time it happened was with manda and while we hadnt been friends for NEARLY as long as you and your friend we had. kept up a conversation for an entire year and got really close and when we both figured out we liked each other as More Than Friends we were both too scared to say anything bc of the friendship we'd spent a year building up but once i finally Snapped and told her it turned out. better than i could have hoped for so???? like do we. know if ur friend is even a little gay bc that might definitely also affect the potential outcome a whole lot lmao also SORRY this is so long nd probably not that helpful actually but!! i am sorry that you are in love with your friend and i hope it works out in your favor !!!!