#it looks like I started it on July 29 and I’m still obsessed

[kang-yo-han]

The fact that the D.P. fandom is so small/inactive is going to be the death of me 😭 I really don’t understand why it’s not more popular on here. The themes and subject matter are so timely and are presented in such a powerful way. The entire cast is stellar. I’m surprised that Junho and Hoyeol’s relationship alone hasn’t drawn more people to it, honestly. And it doesn’t seem like one of those times where the fandom just died down after a show finished airing; it seems like it was just never that big in the first place (though I could be wrong). Idk, it just confuses me and makes me sad. I’m going to talk as many people as I can into watching this show.

[strideofpride]

ooooh I'd love to hear anything you got on your modern LW fic(s)!

safe travels <333

Thank you, love! 💕

Okay yesssss!! There’s so Much Detail I put into that fic that I don’t know if people didn’t catch or just didn’t comment on but I’d love to talk about lololol!!! And basically just be like “look what I did” hahahaha

-for starters, I did put quite a bit of myself into it, such as: Jo hating AirPods (I think they’re so dumb) and Jo & Amy being really really into Duolingo and often doing friend quests together (literally me and my friend lololol we’re obsessed). A Cinderella Story and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants were big movies for me growing up (I added Bend it Like Beckham for Jo cause duh). I even had John’s sinus surgery Meg references lol and Amy’s prized stuffed frog named Froggy is a reference to my prized stuffed bunny my mom named…Bunny. Like Jo, I think it’s horribly uncreative.

-I also used this fic as an excuse to dump my headcanons of who the March sisters would be as present day late 20-somethings (well Meg is 30 - Jo is 29, Beth is 27, and Amy is 26 (I think this matches their age gaps in the books) - I tried to subtly acknowledge all of their ages in the fic. Meg & John have been together half their lives since they were 15 - that’s also a little reference to George & Lemon from Hart of Dixie albeit more positive lol. Multiple references are made of Jo being almost 30. Jo makes reference to Beth not joining the 27 Club just yet. And Amy’s “revenge” of erasing all of Jo’s stories occurred when she was 13 & now she’s “twice that age”)

-Also getting to figure out who they would be in girlhood in the late 90s/2000s was a lot of fun as well! Like of course Amy had a Justin Bieber phase and Meg was a swiftie

-the March sisters group chat: I was very cognizant of how each sister would type. Meg types with perfect capitalization, grammar, and punctuation. Beth is looser but still has auto caps on. Meanwhile, Jo & Amy both have auto caps off (another shared similarity of course) (and Meg’s comment about Amy loading the car is a reference to Beth being sick)

-Meg buying her coffee from Blue Bottle (“basic and overpriced” to quote Jo) is my little reference to that scene where Meg buys the fabric she can’t afford in the 2019 movie. (Believe it or not, my only familiarity with the story is the 2019 movie which I’ve seen twice and read the script once) Basically, there’s still that girl who craves luxury deep inside her somewhere

-cancer obviously seemed like the natural modern equivalent to scarlet fever but a big part of why I’m reluctant to go deeper into this universe is that it bums me out to think of Beth dying but also…Beth is dying in this universe in the next few months or so. That is very very much a key element of Little Women I think, that Beth dies and the family has to find a way to go on living even in their grief, so no, Beth is not going to make some miracle recovery. She will die and that’s sad but it’s supposed to be. It wouldn’t be Little Women without grief.

-the headphones! When Jo makes her comment about not having headphones, she’s talking about herself, but Amy thinks she’s talking about Laurie! Which is why she reacts the way she does because she thinks Jo knows for a half second there

-Laurie grabbing an earlier flight was sooo cause of Amy. Also just want to point out that the third person narration only refers to him as Teddy cause it’s Jo’s POV and that’s what she calls him :)

-Amy of course refuses to meet Jo’s eye or hug Laurie for long because she’s trying to hide their relationship (as mentioned in the Laurie POV)

-the Bear article in Vulture about the one take episode is a real article published on July 29, 2022

-I decided halfway through writing it that the Marches would have a shit ton of cats they had taken in over the years but there was no natural way to fit a scene in about it so I just went back and started making a bunch of random small references to the cats whenever I could lol

-the avant garde letters bit is just a Julio Torres joke I stole lol

-this is very specifically set in August 2022 and as someone who still wears a face mask today, it was very important to me that I specify that they’re wearing face masks anytime they’re indoors in a public space (except only Beth is wearing one when they’re out at the strip club, because she’s immuno-comprised and can’t take a night off as Jo points out) also the rehearsal dinner takes place on the restaurants outdoor patio for that reason as well

-there wasn’t a lot of Marmee in this fic but anytime someone does a service for the family (tailors Meg’s dress, hosts the rehearsal dinner) you see her compliment them profusely which felt very in line with her character to me

-Beth is wearing a baseball cap at the Apple store…both to cover her bald head but also because as she mentioned earlier she burns easily

-of course, Laurie does not love the dig Jo makes at Amy because he’s in love with Amy!

-also, as discussed later on and in the Laurie POV, Laurie wants to talk to Jo to tell her about Amy

-also as mentioned in the Laurie POV, Jo is so surprised by the ooc bachelorette party Amy plans because it wasn’t her idea! It was Laurie’s!

-during their little fight at the rehearsal dinner, Jo thinks Laurie is noticing her sisters watching them fight, but really he was specifically seeking out Amy (and as you see in the Laurie POV, Amy did not walk home, she went out with Laurie)

-that part about Jo’s art consuming her in the big scene with Jo & Meg is very much inspired by Judd Hirsch’s scene in The Fabelmans

-heading over to the Laurie POV for a sec, the “very long intense conversation” they had about Amy having had a crush on Laurie growing up is of course a reference to the “I’ve been second to Jo my whole life” scene!

-the Marches having a backyard treehouse is a reference to my favorite Bones fanfic series Roots & Wings (specifically this scene)

-and finally, the ending: it’s of course a reference to the scene in the 2019 movie where Amy tells Jo to write something domestic. But it was also my attempt to be as meta as the end of the film was. “Who would want to read about that?” Well, millions and millions of girls over the past 150+ years have 🥹 And more personally, the reader of this fanfic just did as well ;)

fanfic director’s cut

[bettsfic]

how i got an agent, or: my writing timeline

when i started writing, i had no idea how publishing worked and i had a lot of misconceptions about it. but i just signed my first literary agent so i thought i’d share what my experience has been getting to this point, in case it helps anyone else with their own publication goals. i’m also including financial details, like submission fees and income, because “i could never afford to pursue writing as a career” is something that kept me from taking the idea seriously.

for context, i write mostly literary fiction and i’m on the academic/scholarly writing path. this process looks a lot different for other genres. 

i didn’t write this in my pretty nonfiction narrative voice; it’s really just the bare-bones facts of how it went down, how long it took, how many words i wrote (both fanfiction and original fiction), and how much it all cost. 

background

2002 - 2005: read a fuckton of books, wrote some fiction, wanted to be a writer but knew it would never happen, journaled every moment of my life in intimate detail

2006: started working full-time (at a chinese restaurant) while still in high school, also started taking courses for college credit; no time to write, and forgot i had ever wanted to be a writer

2007: graduated high school, started college (psych major), still worked at the restaurant, moved out of my parents’ house into an apartment with my boyfriend; my dad got diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer

2008: continued college full-time, quit the restaurant and started part-time as a bank teller, broke up with bf and moved in with a friend at an apartment where the rent was obscenely high; had to pick up a second job altering bridal gowns

2009: continued college full-time, started dating someone else, moved in with him, had to support him, took a third job as an admin assistant 

2010: continued college full-time, still had 3 jobs; my dad’s cancer became terminal

2011: my dad passed away; i graduated college with a 3.9 and $31k of debt; quit 2 of 3 jobs; got promoted at the bank; my bf cheated on me and we broke up; moved back in with my mom

2012: a very dark time; also, bought a house (because where i’m from, it’s cheaper to buy than rent)

2013: discovered fandom

2014, age 24

this is the year i started writing and posting fanfic. prior to that i was a compulsive journaler but had no drive or desire to become a writer, despite how much i had written when i was a teenager. it seemed like a very childish dream. at this point i assumed writing was just a phase like all my other hobbies i’d picked up and set down. 

but fandom proved to be really healthy for me, and i made some good friends who encouraged my writing and made me want to be better at it. i was really not very good at writing. i don’t think i had any natural creative talent whatsoever, or even a particularly vivid imagination. the only thing i had going for me was the ability to put thoughts into words after a decade of obsessive journaling.

i started writing in spring, and by the end of the year my total word count was 311k. i was making a decent income at the bank, insofar as my bills were covered and i had health insurance. i still had a significant amount of credit card debt from college that i was trying to pay down, and which was eating up all my extra income. 

2015, age 25

i continued writing through 2015 and went to visit @aeriallon, whom i’d met in fandom and who told me i should consider applying to MFAs. i was miserable at the bank and knew i wanted to go back to school, but i didn’t think there was a chance in hell a grad program would accept me, since my writing wasn’t very good and i hadn’t so much as taken a single english class in undergrad. she told me to just look around and do a few google searches to see what i found. 

when i started searching, i assumed i would probably be more compelled toward an MEd or MSW programs and go the therapy route, which is what the plan had been in undergrad before my dad died and my life got derailed. i never wanted to be a banker, but i’d got a promotion into commercial finance that paid decently, so i took it and told myself i’d work for a year before going back to school. but then i kept getting promoted and one year became many.

i ended up being more drawn to creative writing MFA programs because they seemed to want people with weird backgrounds like mine. also the classes sounded fun and the programs were funded. i didn’t know how i would be able to afford my mortgage payment or sell my house on a fraction of the income i was making at the bank, but i figured i’d apply and see what happened.

it took 6 months to get a writing sample ready to apply to MFAs. it was the only ofic story i’d written as an adult, and in retrospect i had no idea what i was doing because at that point i didn’t read literary short fiction. but i got the sample as good as i could get it and completed my applications. i applied to 6 schools and got accepted into 1. 

in 2015 i wrote 250k. i can’t find my application spreadsheet from that year, but i probably spent between $300 and $400 on application fees. early in the year, i had finally managed to pay off my credit card debt and save a little bit of money.

2016, age 26

the school i got into was within driving distance of my house, so i didn’t bother moving. i tried to quit the bank but my boss convinced me to stay on 2 days a week working from home. i agreed to it, because my grad stipend wasn’t enough to cover my bills, and i was counting on what little savings i had accrued to get me through the program. i still had no drive or interest to publish. i mostly just wanted to go back to school so i could learn how to be better at this thing i really enjoyed doing.

in the MFA, as you might imagine, i had to read a lot of stuff and write a lot of stuff, and was encouraged to begin submitting some of the short stories i wrote for workshop. i was not particularly into the idea, considering it seemed like a lot of work for little reward, and also i didn’t think my stories were very good.

i also started teaching english comp. i hated it and decided that after the MFA, i never wanted to do it again. haha. hahahahahaha

in 2016 i wrote 343k. i didn’t apply/submit in 2016 so i didn’t pay any fees, but my grad stipend was $14k for the academic year, plus the income i was making at the bank.

2017, age 27

i did a complete 180 and decided i loved teaching more than anything else in the entire world, and i was willing to do whatever it took to become a teacher. i realized that to become a teacher, i needed to publish. begrudgingly i started submitting to literary journals. i also applied to summer workshops and got into tin house, which i highly recommend if that’s something you’re interested in. at tin house i met my dream agent, who seemed really interested in my work and encouraged me to query her as soon as i had a book done. 

a lot of personal drama happened that year. i was still working at the bank in addition to teaching a 2/2 and taking a full course load. in summer i had a long overdue mental breakdown. 

2017 was a rough year. i wrote 149k. this is the year i started keeping a dedicated expenses spreadsheet. i spent $174 in submission fees. tin house tuition with room and board was a little over $1500 + travel. i thought it was worth it because i met the agent i thought i would later sign, but that didn’t pan out. (i made some great friends though!!) tin house was definitely an unwise financial decision; i paid for it out of what little i managed to save in 2015.

2018, age 28

early in 2018, i went from teaching comp/rhet to creative writing, which only cemented my desire to teach writing as a career. i realized i was far better at teaching writing than writing, but i knew i had to keep writing to keep teaching (shocked pikachu.jpg), so i kept submitting to journals. i got my first story accepted. i didn’t receive any payment for that publication. i quit the bank early in the year (finally! after 10 years!) and was terrified about money, in part because my student loan payments were coming out of deferment and i was still paying off my hospital bills from my breakdown. 

in spring semester, i won a few departmental awards (totaling $500ish) and got a second story accepted (again, no payment). i also got accepted to another workshop which i will not name because i hated it. i graduated in may and defended my thesis in july. the thesis would later become my short story collection, zucchini.

in fall, i stayed on at my school as an adjunct, and started writing training wheels which would later become an original novel called baby. 

i wrote 450k in 2018. i paid $373 in submission fees. i was also nominated for an award for one of my publications but didn’t win. the workshop i went to was like $4000 with room and board (it was a month-long workshop). i got 75% of it covered with scholarships and i paid for the rest of it out of my savings, and even though i’d intended to drive there, my mom ended up buying me a plane ticket. again, i met a lot of big-wig writers i thought for sure would help me get an agent. i told myself i was networking, and that publication was all about Who You Knew. but that turned out not to be true for me.

as an adjunct i made $3200 per course, and i taught 3 classes in fall. in winter, i got my shit together and started applying for creative writing PhDs, mostly to convince my family i was doing something with my life, with no expectation that i would get in. in winter i applied to 2 schools. with application fees and the GRE, i ended up paying well over $500.

2019, age 29

in spring semester, i taught 2 classes while i revised training wheels into baby. when i had a completed manuscript, i finally pulled the plug and used all my networking contacts to get my dream agent i’d met at tin house. i queried her, and a very popular and well-regarded author i’d met at the other workshop emailed her on my behalf to tell her good things about me. i thought for sure i had it in the bag. this author also touched base with a few other agents whom he thought would like my work.

i didn’t hear back from any of them. not even a “no thanks.” i set down querying for a while. 

i got a third story picked up and published around this time, and i was paid $25 for it. they also nominated me for an award, and i don’t think i won? but i can’t find out who did win so idk.

my grandpa passed away and i decided to sell my house and move in with my grandma so she wouldn’t be alone. i got rejected from both PhD programs i applied to and decided to get a “real job” instead, and began applying for random positions that offered health insurance, because i knew i was drastically undermedicated and it was becoming a Problem.

near the end of spring semester, i moved out of my house, put it on the market, and was interviewing for a community development manager position for a nonprofit. at the same time, i found out about another university that was taking late-season applications, and i applied. five days later, i got accepted. one day after that, i got a job offer for the nonprofit. since i had no idea how long it would take for my house to sell, and being unable to afford both rent in a new city and my mortgage payment, i deferred my PhD acceptance for a year and decided to work at the nonprofit for a while. the risk was that i could only defer my admission, not my funding, so there was a chance that the following year i wouldn’t get the same funding package.

i lasted one month at the “real job” before i had another breakdown and ended up quitting. 

my house sold for well under the asking price and i received only $4000 in equity once it was all said and done. that’s a lot of money to me, but considering that i’d been paying on the house for 7 years, i was expecting a lot more.

i had a year to kill until the PhD so i decided to take a break from teaching and apply to artist residencies instead. i applied to 8 residencies and got accepted into 4, but only ended up attending 3, because the 4th was outrageously priced and there was no indication of the cost when i had applied.

in winter i picked up querying agents again. i queried 10 agents every other week. i also got a ghostwriting gig writing children’s books that paid $800 a month.

in 2019 i wrote 417k. i spent $441 in submission fees (to residencies and contests, not agent queries. never pay money to query an agent!!). i ended up teaching 3 classes fall semester.

2020, age 30

i started out the year driving across the country going to residencies. the first cost $100 (no food), the second cost $250 (A LOT OF VERY GOOD FOOD), and the third paid me $500. i was at the third when the pandemic hit.

the query rejections started rolling in. i gave up in february after 60 queries. of those 60, i received 7 manuscript requests for baby, but the consensus was that it was too long and plotless (you got me there.jpg). at the second residency completed and revised zucchini and decided to begin querying with that instead. i could only find a few agents who accepted collections so i only queried 16. i got one request for the manuscript but then didn’t hear back. i gave up in april shortly after the pandemic hit. 

when i figured the collection, like the novel, just wasn’t publishable, i started submitting to contests which is the more standard route for the genre. i submitted to 12 in total and was a finalist in 1. i was rejected or withdrew from the rest.

the PhD program reached out to ask if i was still interested in starting in fall, and i said i was, so they put me in the running for funding again and i was accepted. the stipend was $17k per academic year.

like most of us, i got totally derailed in spring and stopped doing basically everything. the ghostwriting gig started paying $1500 a month and i also started my creative coaching business, which slowly but surely began to supplement my income. i also received the $1200 stimulus. 

when school started, i quit the ghostwriting gig. i had no intention to continue querying either book, but i saw a twitter pitch event called DVpit (diverse voices) and decided to participate. for those who don’t know, a twitter pitch event is where you tweet the pitch for your book and use the hashtag, and agents scroll through the tag and like tweets. if an agent likes your tweet, you query them. 

i got one like, so i followed up with the query. the agent asked for the full MS and a couple weeks later followed up with the offer for representation. we talked on the phone, she sent me the contract, i asked for a couple changes, and then signed! 

so far this year i’ve written 375k and paid $518 in submission fees. i’ll give more details when i do my end of year roundup next month. oh, and i finally paid off my student loans.

totals

word count: 2.3 million

agent queries: 77

agent MS requests: 9

agent rejections: 28

agent no responses: 44

short story submissions: 86

short story acceptances: 3

short story income: $25

total submission/application fees: $1472

my (final) query letter

honestly this query letter probably isn’t very good which is why i got such a minimal response, but it got the job done eventually.

Thank you for expressing interest in ZUCCHINI through this year's DVpit event.

ZUCCHINI is a collection that views sex through an asexual lens. It poses inquiries into constructs like gender, sexuality, and love to dissect the patriarchal/puritanical foundations from which our social perspectives often derive. Being a collection about asexuality, each story portrays a relationship that develops from forms of attraction other than physical.

In one story, a grieving widow purchases her first sex toy; in another, a woman uses sex to cope with the death of her abusive father, and later in the collection faces the long road to recovery; an administrative assistant seeks out a codependent relationship with her boss; a masochist hires a professional sadist to lead him toward self-actualization; a woman begins to recover from her sexual assault by staging a reenactment on her own terms; and lastly, two lifelong friends in a queerplatonic relationship decide to get married. Asexuality is an under-acknowledged identity within the LGBTQIA community and is often misunderstood. In seven stories, ZUCCHINI dissects the notion of attraction, explores the intersections of sexual identity and trauma recovery, and conveys the experience of intimacy without physical desire.

Three stories in the collection have been published in literary magazines. “Lien” appeared in volume 24 of Quarter After Eight and was nominated for the PEN/Robert J. Dau Short Story Prize for Emerging Writers. “An Informed Purchase” appeared in the summer 2018 issue of Midwestern Gothic and won the Jordan-Goodman Prize in Fiction. “The Ashtray” appeared in issue 16 of Rivet Journal and has been nominated for a 2020 Pushcart Prize.

Complete at 53,000 words, ZUCCHINI is a collection in conversation with Carmen Maria Machado’s HER BODY AND OTHER PARTIES, Lauren Groff’s FLORIDA, and Samantha Hunt’s THE DARK DARK.

If ZUCCHINI is of interest to you, I would be happy to send you the manuscript. Per your guidelines, I've appended the first twenty pages below, which is the entirety of the first story.

what comes next

i’m going to spend january revising the collection per my agent’s feedback. when i send it back to her, she’ll shoot it out to the first round of publishers. my understanding is that the goal is to get multiple offers on it so that it has to go to auction. if there are no offers, she’ll do another round of submissions, and so on, until we’ve exhausted our options. if that happens, we’ll reassess, but by then hopefully i’ll have another novel finished.

meanwhile, i’ll be continuing the PhD which entails teaching a 2/2, workshop, and 2 lit seminars per semester. i’m also still doing my creative coaching, writing fanfic, and working on my original projects. in summer, i’ll finally be moving to hopefully start going to school in person next fall. 

the PhD is a 3 year program with an optional fourth year. i don’t see myself finishing in 3 years so i do plan to take the extra year unless something comes up. after the PhD, i’m not sure what i’ll do. a lot will probably change by then so i’m trying not to commit to one idea. i might apply to post-doc fellowships and tenure track positions, or i might leave the country and teach overseas, or i might move to LA and try to get in a writer’s room somewhere. i’ve got a lot of options.

overall thoughts/stuff i learned

first of all, you don’t have to go through all of this to publish a book. you could feasibly just write a book and query agents. the only reason it took me this long is because my PTSD brain was sabotaging me every step of the way and i didn’t start taking anything seriously until i found something i was willing to fight for (teaching). i went the MFA/literary route but other, faster routes are just as good. maybe better. probably better. actually if there’s any chance you can go a different route, you should take it.

reflecting on all of this, very little of it has anything to do with talent or being a good writer. nor does it have to do with being at the right place at the right time. i’ve only made it this far because i took very small steps over and over again, and during that walk met people who could help me -- the authors who have mentored me, the editors who accepted my stories, the agent who signed me. and as i got further along my path, i started being able to help other writers in the way i was helped. 

i don’t believe i’ll ever be a great writer. the best thing i can say about my writing is that it’s competent and accessible. everything i write sets out to do something and most of the time it gets the job done. i don’t imagine i’ll ever be able to financially support myself with publishing, and i’ll certainly never be famous or well-known, but i’m good enough to keep making progress. i’ll probably continue to find opportunities that are adjacent to writing and that will keep me afloat, pending my health and provided the country doesn’t devolve into civil war. 

probably the most important thing i learned in all this is that having a wide appeal isn’t the goal. you don’t write to be lauded or liked. you have to stay as true to yourself and your interests as you possibly can, so that the people who come across your path can see you and help you. you’ll need those people; no one gets anywhere alone. if you pander, if you’re too concerned with praise and success or being adored, you won’t make it very far. the rejection will eventually kill you. 

with all that said, my advice to you is this: never stop writing. the ability to share our stories is the single most precious thing we have. you can’t let anything stop you from telling your stories the way you need them to be told.

[yyh4ever]

Togashi's Comments from the Table of Contents (1990-1994)

WSJ #25 to WSJ #33 (1992)

Volume 9: Chapters 73 to 81

ᐊ Volume 8: Chapters 64 to 72     Volume 10: Chapters 82 to 91 ᐅ

1992

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°25 (June 8, 1992)

★ Chapter 73. "An Unexpected Defeat?!" (意外な敗北！？, Igaina Haiboku!?)

*The results of "The 8th Catch Phrase Grand Prix" were announced in this issue. The winner, Tamiya-san (17) from Kumamoto, won with catchphrase: "I didn't end up seeing the afterlife for nothing" 「ダテにあの世は見ちゃいねぇ!!」. It was used in the anime later on as the next episode preview catchphrase. To match the phrase, Togashi drew the illustration later applied to the cover of volume 8, in October 1992.*

Table of Contents:

"I got the fee table for oversize garbage. It costs 1,500 yen to dispose of a kneehole desk. Yeah, looks like I'll be able to use it for the rest of my life." - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 粗大ゴミ手数料表を入手し��。両そで机の処理に千五百円。一生使えそうだけどなあ〈義博〉

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°26 (June 15, 1992)

★ Chapter 74. "The Eleventh Hour!!" (瀬戸際の戦い！！, Setogiwa no Tatakai!!)

Table of Contents:

"Recently, when I go out on my bike, I've been stopped and questioned by the police even if the lights are turned on. I guess it's time for a barber." - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 最近自転車で外出するとライトをつけてても職務質問を受ける。そろそろ床屋かな。〈義博〉

T/N: In Japan, riding at night without the light (turned on) will get you stopped by the police. The "shokumu shitsumon" (職務質問), in accordance with the Law for Execution of Duties by Police Officers, is the "act of stopping and questioning a person whom a police officer has reasonable grounds to suspect of committing or attempting to commit a crime, or of knowing about a crime that has already been committed or is about to be committed, based on a reasonable judgment of abnormal behavior and other surrounding circumstances".

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°27 (June 22, 1992)

★ Chapter 75. "The Underworld Beast!!" (霊界獣出現！！, Reikai-juu Sshutsugen!!)

Table of Contents:

"After staying up all night, I'm home. I still have half of next week's manuscript to finish. The deadline is tomorrow. See you then." - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 ただ今、徹夜明けです。さ来週の原稿がまだ半分残ってます。〆���は明日。それじゃ〈義博〉

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°28 (June 29, 1992)

★ Chapter 76. "The Face Under the Mask" (覆面の下の素顔, Fukumen no Shita no Sugao)

Table of Contents:

"I started keeping tropical fish. I knew I'd get hooked, but I'm impressively obsessed..." - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 熱帯魚を飼い始めました。はまるとは思ってましたが、見事に夢中になってます…。〈義博〉

T/N: Togashi gave an interview in 1992 to the November issue of the V JUMP magazine. There's a photo of his aquarium and he named some of his fishes after Hanshin's players. In Kunio Ajino's book "Sensei Hakusho", his assistant also mentions that Togashi got tropical fish for the workplace, and a snake!

Source: "Sensei Hakusho" by Kunio Ajino. Chapter 2: Behind The Scenes, p.77 (2017)

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°29 (July 6, 1992)

★ Chapter 77. "The Huge Ordeal!!" (最大の試練！！, Saidai no Shiren!!)

Table of Contents:

"I wonder if anyone has achieved the National Unification with Yasutoshi Togashi from the Mega Drive's 'Tenka-Fubu'." - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 メガドライブの「天下布武」の冨樫泰俊で全国統一を果たした人はいるんだろうか。〈義博〉

T/N: "Tenka-Fubu: Eiyuutachi no Houkou" (World Conquest: Roar of Heroes) is a simulation game for the Sega Mega-CD. Yasutoshi Togashi was a military commander from the Warring States period to the Momoyama period. He is said to be the 27th head of Togashi's clan and also appears in the game.

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°30 (July 13, 1992)

★ Chapter 78 (Colored). "The Top Four!!" (四強そろう！！, Yon-kyō Sorou!!)

*Yu Yu Hakusho is on the cover of this issue.*

*Part-color chapter with lead color pages*

Table of Contents:

"Call me Abrahams, please. According to a fortune-telling, it is said to be my nickname of happiness." - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 私をエイブラハムスと呼んでください。占いによる私の幸福ニックネームだそうです〈義博〉

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°31 (July 20, 1992)

★ Chapter 79. "Hiei Fights Again!!" (飛影連戦！！, Hiei Rensen!!)

Table of Contents:

"Volume 7 of the comics will be released on August 4th!! If you read them all together, the fun will be doubled!" - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 コミックスの第7巻は、8月4日に発売決定！！まとめて読めば面白さ倍増っ！〈義博〉

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°32 (July 27, 1992)

★ Chapter 80. "The Invincible Beast Armor!!" (無敵・武獣装甲！！, Muteki - Bu-juu Sōkō!!)

Table of Contents:

"The guppies gave birth to *peep* *peep* babies. They are growing fast and doubling in size every time I finish a manuscript." - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 グッピーがピョピョ子供を生みました。生長が早く原稿が終わる度に倍増してます。〈義博〉

T/N: The guppy (Poecilia reticulata), also known as rainbow fish, is a tropical fish.

➤ Weekly Shounen Jump N°33 (August 3, 1992)

★ Chapter 81. "When the Magic Box Opens!!" (玉手箱が開く時！！, Tamatebako ga Hiraku Toki!!)

Table of Contents:

"I am addicted to a shoujo manga that my elder sister disposed of. So, what is that manga!? The answer is next week." - Yoshihiro

🇯🇵 姉貴が処分した少女漫画にはまってしまいました。さてその漫画とは！？答えは来週。〈義博〉

T/N: I've always heard Togashi talking about his younger brother, Hideaki Togashi, who is also a manga artist, but I believe it's the first time he says something about a sister. Has anyone heard of an older sister before?

*On December 2, 1992, Volume 9 (Chapters 73 to 81) was published!*

▼ Togashi’s comment from the dust jacket of volume 9. Translation by VIZ Media.  

ᐊ Volume 8: Chapters 64 to 72     Volume 10: Chapters 82 to 91 ᐅ

[taylizmasterpost]

Reconciliation and Late-Stage Tayliz (September 2014 - Present)

Despite not seeing each other for a while, Taylor and Liz clearly still hold a soft spot in each other’s hearts.

During the Secret Sessions for 1989 in Nashville, fans took pictures in Taylor’s home, and you can clearly see she has photos from Charleston displayed:

When it came time to mend the fences between Taylor and Liz, Claire Callaway was the one who ended up doing it:

2 October 2014 - Claire tweets a TBT to the Charleston trip. Liz responds to it:

That seems to get the ball rolling, because when Taylor drops Out of the Woods as a single, this happens:

14 October 2014 - Taylor and Liz tweet about how much they miss each other:

Then, when Taylor walks the runaway with Karlie at the VSFS, this happens:

Taylor is with Karlie at the time, and obviously nothing romantic is happening on Liz’s end either, because...

20 December 2014 - Liz gets engaged to Bryan Brown and has dinner with friends:

16 February 2015 - Liz tweets that Taylor is badass

8 April 2016 - Liz makes this gay post on Facebook that I’d like to think is a response to Style, since the MV had come out a few months before:

And Liz seems to have found a group of gay friends...

Although, that could just be a typo.

15 July 2015 - Liz posts on Facebook that “Thanks to some really talented friends, I got to record something beautiful today. Can’t wait to share this one.” The picture she attaches definitely looks like Taylor:

Liz also tweets this:

We do NOT know where Taylor was that day. However, she performed in DC on the 1989 tour on the 14th and was papped in NYC on the 16th so it’s not impossible she was in Nashville working on something with Liz. Unfortunately, whatever they worked on has yet to surface (unless you subscribe to the theory that Liz is WB...)

3 August 2015 - Shawn Brooks releases a song called Matter of Time that was written sometime in 2014 by Liz.

Notable lyrics include:

She’s got me lovestruck, crazy Going out of my mind She’s got me lovestruck, crazy But sooner or later, she’s gonna be mine It’s just a matter of time

Don’t know what this means for Liz or TayLiz, since Liz has been with Bryan since early 2013 at the latest, but this is very gay and fun.

27 August 2015 - Thirst tweet:

31 August 2015 - Liz calls Taylor sexy in response to the Wildest Dreams MV:

15 October 2015 - Liz tweets about Better Than Revenge:

28 October 2015 -  Liz quote tweets Taylor about OOTW acoustic:

11 November 2015 - Liz responds to Caitlin’s tweet tagging Taylor about nostalgia:

9 December 2015 - Liz congratulates Taylor on her Grammy noms:

13 December 2015 - Taylor’s birthday. Liz wishes her HBD:

29 January 2016 - Liz says her favorite song from 1989 is This Love:

15 February 2016 - Liz and Taylor both attend UMG’s Grammys afterparty at the Ace Hotel Theater :

26 February 2016 - Liz posts a TBT to Charleston:

16 April 2016 - Liz and Taylor both attend Coachella:

6 May 2016 - Liz tweets about This Love:

10 May 2016 - Liz possibly writes STFU and Hold Me (likely about Bryan, since he’s out on tour with the woman he’s going to leave Liz for, signaling to me that their relationship is on the fritz):

4 August 2016 - Liz posts a throwback to the Vogue photoshoot at the Bowery.

3 September 2016 - Liz and Bryan’s last interaction on Twitter:

(Bryan had been on tour with Jillian -- who he’d later marry -- and tweeting at her all summer, much more than he’d been tweeting with Liz). It’s important to note the way their relationship ended for when we start studying who Liz’s songs are about.

26 November 2016 - Liz tweets about Clean, possibly signaling her and Bryan have broken up by this point:

13 December 2016 - Liz wishes Taylor happy birthday with a post about Charleston (captions vary based on site). This also signals to me that her and Bryan are over, since she’s reminiscing on Taylor picking her up off the ground after her breakup with Jason:

11 July 2017 - Liz tells a fan that You Are In Love and All Too Well are her favorite songs from 1989 and Red (guess her favorite song is no longer This Love…):

11 August 2017 - Liz releases STFU and Hold Me:

This MV has a LOT of parallels to the IKYWT video. The lyrics talk about “staring with a bang” (”took off faster than a green light go”?), and reckless abandon (”this path is reckless”). MV parallels are as follows (thank you @mercuryonparklane​ for all the help finding this):

(notice the key necklace?)

So, either Liz is lowkey ripping off Taylor’s work or she’s trying to signal that she was the muse for IKYWT. However, considering Liz is deliberately trying to keep her image separate from Taylor, it doesn’t make any sense that she would try and rip her off. Of course, it could just be a big coincidence...

30 September 2017 - In an interview with The Young Folks, Liz says that STFU and Hold Me is about “getting to that point in a relationship where you’re sick of going around and around talking about the same issue with your partner and it’s time to wave the white flag,” Huett says. “We’ve all been there.”

Of the lyrics “I’m coming from a line of problems / I was born and I became a product” Liz says “I’m not exactly the most polished person. I’d rather be real than perfect and sometimes that means I say things that make people uncomfortable or act out in relationships and test limits, etc… I’m an honest mess but I believe I can and should be loved in light of that. :)”

I still think this song was written about the end of her relationship with Bryan, but it’s still interesting to see how Liz describes herself in relationships.

27 October 2017 - Liz releases H8U

This is another song that I think was written about Bryan. The lyrics reference taking another woman to a Tom Petty concert (Liz LOVES Tom Petty) and generally moving on quickly with another woman, which seems apt for the Bryan/Jillian situation going on.

HOWEVER, the lyrics also reference “our first date two years ago,” which doesn’t make any sense, since Liz and Bryan didn’t break up until 2016 and were together since early 2013. So it could maybe be lyrically about Taylor.

I do think the MV makes a deliberate Taylor reference, though, with the interrupting the wedding scene. Taylor famously had Liz dress as the Bridezilla on the Speak Now album art:

And, at the end of the H8U MV, Liz DOES kiss the blonde bride on the mouth after interrupting her wedding... which is... INTERESTING (especially since Liz is dressed in full RED the whole MV):

I don’t think it’s a stretch to presume Liz could’ve reversed their roles here. IDK.

9 November 2017 - Liz makes her “H8U, love these” playlist on Spotify, which features All Too Well.

1 November 2017 - Liz obsesses over Reputation:

15 November 2017 - Taylor posts an IG story with photos of her Liz and Caitlin in Australia in the background:

13 December 2017 - Liz wishes Taylor happy birthday:

20 December 2017 - In a now deleted tweet Liz obsesses over New Year’s Day

6 April 2018 - Liz releases Don’t LV U Anymore. Here are some interesting lyrics:

I don't steal your chapstick anymore / Don't wake up to your kiss anymore / And I don't have a washer and dryer full of guitar picks anymore / 'Cause you don't come over to my place anymore / Don't flirt with my roommate anymore / And I don't run to your friends / To get them on my side when we fight anymore / And I never say it / I keep it inside / But maybe I'm wasted / Or maybe it's time to get this off my chest, babe / ... / I don't love you anymore / But I don't love you any less / I don't play you my songs anymore / To see if they're good anymore / You don't tell me your secrets / 'Cause you don't know if I keep them to myself anymore / I don't go to church anymore / Don't know what to believe anymore / And I don't remember the beat of your heart / The smell of your car anymore / ... / Two years and counting / Still got all this weight on my chest / Two years and counting / And I can't remember what I can't forget

Based on the “two years and counting” line, as well as the line about a washer and dryer of guitar picks, I’m inclined to believe this is another song about Bryan. 

However, it is a really similar sentiment to that Civil Wars song Liz posted back when her and Taylor first ended things, and the line about running to get friends on a side when fighting is very similar to the “you go talk to your friends, talk to my friends talk to me” in WANEGBT and the image in Battle/Let’s Go of all their friends standing around watching them fight. Could go either way.

9 April 2018 - Liz reposts a Facebook post announcing Dammit that implies it was written a while ago. But we already knew that.

19 May 2018 - Reputation in Pasadena. Liz attends. Surprise Song: All Too Well. Camila Cabello is the opening act.  

27 May 2018 - Liz gives an interview at Bottlerock festival where she says that Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus is a song she used to get over someone (likely Bryan). She also says Havana was the song she last had stuck in her head -- probably because Camila performed it at Taylor’s show the previous week.

14 March 2019 - Liz makes a happy birthday post for Antoni (who’s dating her friend Trace):

27 April 2019 - Bryan and Jillian get married:

3 May 2019 - Liz releases Nothing Personal:

This feels like DIRECT BRYAN SHADE, since she released it right after his wedding. However, you definitely could also read it as being about being let go from The Agency.

Early May 2019 - Taylor shoots YNTCD. Her and Antoni bond over their love of The National (keep in mind Taylor would end up asking a member of the National to work on exile with her):

17 June 2019 - Liz likes Taylor’s post announcing YNTCD is out:

26 June 2019 - Liz posts on IG a video of unreleased song “One of These Days” with the caption “i’m emo” Lyrics:

One of these days I’ll rise above the blue / One of these days when I get sober too / I’ll be flying high you know / Gonna say I told you so / One of these days I’ll rise above the blue / The stars will align / My heart will come back to life / I won’t have to cry anymore / Someday soon, when I / When I get over you / One of these nights I’m gonna get some sleep / One of these nights you won’t be in my dreams / I will lay this love to rest / I will miss you in this bed / One of these nights I’m gonna get some sleep / The stars will align / My heart will come back to life / I won't have to cry anymore / Someday soon, someday / When I get over you

More evidence that Liz does, indeed, struggle with the things that Reddit post suggested.

14 August 2019 - Liz posts on IG a video of an unreleased song called “I Wanted It to Be You” with the caption “I really did” and a red rose emoji. Lyrics:

I’ll find someone else to take your place / In no time at all I’ll be okay / So you don’t have to say it babe / We don’t have to cry / ‘Cause I know you got shit to do / And baby so do I / I’ll find someone else to take your place, hey / I wanted it to be you I’m closing down the bar with / I wanted it to be you I’m fighting in the car with / Who I could push away / Come back and beg to stay / Ooh, I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it / I wanted it to be you

Likely for Bryan BUT maybe a red rose grew up out of frozen ground with no one around to tweet it (lol I’m joking the lakes is very likely not about Liz).

22 August 2019 - Taylor releases the Lover MV, featuring the “breakable heaven” board game:

In the bottom left corner, you can spot a blue 0527. May 27th is Liz’s birthday. What does this mean? I don’t know. I absolutely do not know, but whatever it is is driving me INSANE.

28 August 2019 - Liz posts on Twitter a screenshot of her listening to Cornelia Street:

16 October 2019 - Liz comments on a fan’s video of Taylor performing at the NPR Tiny Desk concert saying “she cute”:

19 November 2019 - Liz says on IG that her favorite songs from Lover are The Archer and Cornelia Street:

22 November 2019 - Liz releases That’s What You Get. This is the one late-stage Liz song that I FULLY BELIEVE is about TayLiz due to a few very specific lyric parallels:

“That’s what you get when you recklessly fall in love” >> “This path is reckless” from Treacherous

“That’s what you get for keeping your armor up” >> “You come around and the armor falls” from State of Grace >> “I would put my armor down if you said you’d rather love than fight” from Story of Us.

“And all your friends are lining up to hate me” >> “You go talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me” from WANEGBT >> “First shot’s fired everybody’s gathered around” from Battle >> “I can't run to your friends anymore / To get them on my side when we fight anymore” from Don’t LV U Anymore.

It also, just from an outside perspective, doesn’t make any sense for Liz to write a breakup song about Bryan blaming herself when it seems very clear to me that they broke up because Bryan wanted to be with Jillian instead. That’s not her fault. So either this is about another breakup (I’d guess Taylor, based on the lyric parallels), or she’s just very very self-loathing and won’t let herself think it’s Bryan’s fault (which both H8U and Nothing Personal don’t suggest to me).

25 November 2016 - Liz posts a video on her IG story about Taylor at the VMAs.

6 December 2019 - Liz talks about That’s What You get with Earmilk and gives an interesting quote: 

Huett explains, “This song is about facing myself after a brutal season of running from it... I made a self-destructive choice that hurt someone I really value. The angle of the chorus is really sort of a letter to me after that first long look in the mirror. It SUCKED. However, in owning my shit (and sharing this song) my hope is that listeners might apply the sad lesson without having to learn the hard way, or, if they’ve ever found themselves in the regretful position I was once in, I hope this song can at least make them feel less alone."

This is SO DIFFERENT fro mhow her relationship with Bryan ended, but matches up so well with Liz getting help and owning her shit after spiraling in 2012.

24 July 2020 - Folklore drops. Two of the songs are written by the mysterious William Bowery. One of those songs is Betty -- a popular nickname for Elizabeth. Liz tweets at Taylor about the 1 because all of Taylor’s exes wanna think that song is about them.

So, IN CONCLUSION: Liz got help and worked through her shit and they’re on good terms now. They were possibly working on something together in 2015, although that never saw the light of day as far as we know. Liz seems to maybe be referencing Taylor in her music and MVs, but there’s no way to know for sure. Better Than Revenge on the Speak Now Tour was an iconic moment of sapphic energy, and maybe, just maybe, when Taylor re-records her masters, Liz will sing backup for her again.

Thanks for reading!

[lilaviolet]

I was tagged by the lovely

@madoddthings

1. Name: Leslie

2. Gender: A Woman

3. Star sign: Aquarius sun and moon!

4. Height: Five one and a half

5. Time: right now? 1:37

6. Birthday: February 12th sometime in the 80s

7. Favorite band: Pearl Jam I can go years without listening to them but nothing hits me like they do. Seeing them live is the best feeling in the world.

8. Favorite Artist: I dunno I guess Marina?

9. Song stuck in my head currently: Misery Business there was a post and it just came on spotify

10. Last movie you watched: No idea! I used to be a movie bitch but now I’m a TV bitch who has no attention span to actually watch TV                         Maybe Booksmart?

11. Last Series: BRIDGERTON 

12: Blog age: I lurked for a few years just looking at the pretty gifs but in July 2013 something compelled me to actually create an account so I could leave little hearts. Four months later I re-blogged my first Sleep Hollow/Ichabbie gifset and the rest is me being fandom trash history.                                        so 7 and a half years old

13. Content: I have no idea. This is just me being my most authentic self. Mostly re-blogs of thinks I like, love or am obsessed with. Plus a bit of politics and news. If you can’t stand my faves I don’t know how you could survive following me.

14: Last google: My hairdresser’s phone number

15. Side blogs: Yep! I finally gave in to my greatest desire and started a blog for all the Sami Zayn/Kevin Owens / El Generico/Kevin Steen content @thesamiandkevinshow I know it seems impossible but I was really restraining myself on here even though you guys probably couldn’t tell. My mutual was giving away the username and I just had to have it :)

16. Do you get asks: not really if I re-blog a list of questions a mutual will usually send one :)

17. URL Meaning: It was my livejournal username Lila (a name I liked better than mine at the time also the name of a character on General Hospital and Violet is a great song from my second favorite band Hole

18. Following:  228 I’m really picky if I follow you I think you’re a chill person I’d be friends with and/or your content is too good to miss.

19. Followers: 520 which is completely insane! I don’t know which of my many varied interests made you click that follow button but I hope my nonsense isn’t too annoying :) I’m ruthless about blocking bots I don’t know why. I worry I’ve blocked real people by accident tbh.

20. Average sleep hours: Sleep? I don’t know her! 4 hours is my usual but then I gotta take a long ass nap. I live on coffee.

21: Lucky number: I don’t really have any... maybe 7,8 and 21

22: Instruments: I have no talent I begged my parents for a bass guitar when I was 10 because it seemed like every band I was listening to had an awesome female bass player and I wanted to be one too! I have a medical condition with my hands that really should have stopped me or at least my parents from spending all that money :(

23. Clothes: Comfy and cozy. If I can get away with pajamas while lounging at home I do. I have a weird obsession with gray my friends have to physically stop me when we’re out shopping because I’m just drawn to it. There’s so many shades! It goes with everything. I don’t love black or white so gray is my neutral. I like solids and stripes. I own too may fandom shirts but I bagged my old wrestling tees and put them away, I only have like 7 currently in my rotation not counting my over sized Sami shirts I sleep in.

24. Dream job: Wrestling valet. I wanted to be (and kind of still do) Miss Elizabeth but with a big dash of Sensational Sherri. Like Miss Elizabeth just stood around but Sherri got physical with the guys and took bumps when the story called for it and I liked that. I wouldn’t want to be a full time wrestler because I’m not about pain, but bitch let me manage somebody male or female. Now it’s such an unpopular opinion everyone wants every girl to wrestle and I’m like bring back managers, valets, wives and girlfriends. Not very woman is so dedicated that she’s willing to break her neck or get that banged up. I can’t be the only one with this opinion lol.

25. Dream Trip: That’ll actually happen San Miguel’s Portugal. Dream that’ll never happen South Korea, Taiwan and Japan no one would go with me, but I‘ve dreamed of it since 2007.

26. Favorite Food: Junk food. Anything cooked in garlic. If I go out to eat Shrimp Mozambique I’ll settle for chicken Mozambique but it’s not the same. So spicy and flavorful great now I want to go eat some I don’t think anyone delivers it :(

27. Nationality?: I consider myself 100% American I was born here, as fucked up as this country is it’s my home. But if the Fascists take over I‘m praying Portugal will take pity on me. I’m eligible for citizenship I should have applied during The Bush Administration like my little cousin did but I was an optimist... I’m a dumb bitch.

28. Favorite Song: This Week? Don’t Go Away by Oasis

29. Last book: That I read ? I was going to be like it’s all fan fic for this bitch but I read the latest Amanda Quick novel and am patiently waiting for the next one!

I’d love everyone who sees this to do it. I’m shy with tagging people but for real if you follow me and want to do this tag me I’d love to see your answers!

[ayeonz]

Top 10 Kpop Solo/Duet Releases of 2020, According to Me

For the full top 20 ranking, you can find it here on Spotify and here on YouTube!

10. "Dream of You" - CHUNG HA x R3HAB (November 27)

This really feels like a Western pop song - but in no way is that a complaint; rather this is the kind of pop song I'd go out of my way to add to my playlists after hearing it on the radio. I thought Stay Tonight was my top Chungha track of 2020, but then this released and I was obsessed. R3HAB did such a good job producing this and Chungha is angelic in both voice and body yet again. The song is quite repetitive but it's such a catchy hook I really don't mind.

9. "pporappippam" - SUNMI (June 29)

Totally one of Sunmi's best songs. It's memorable and one of the best songs among 2020's retro trend. The only issue is it tends to feel a little monotonous by the second chorus, perhaps caused by Sunmi's more limited vocal range (no hate, every artist has their strengths and Sunmi's is her charisma). But I totally understand how so many people rate this as their fave.

8. "she got it/cigarette and condom" - BIBI (August 6)

I really love Bibi's music and her 2020 releases have been some of her best. This song is bouncy, fun and catchy while still remaining super chill. She's killing it and I'm excited to see what she drops next.

7. "VILLAIN" - AleXa (July 16)

She's seriously on a roll this year ("Do Or Die" is also on my top 20 solos list!), and this is definitely my favourite release of hers this year. She's an insane performer and even carries that powerful charisma into her singing.

6. "Let's Love" - SUHO (March 30)

The only male vocalist to make it into the top 10, but damn did he deserve it. This song (and its mini album) are so calming and I wouldn't have expected anything less from the leader of one of Korea's biggest boy groups. I wish EXO had launched their solo careers earlier, because now we have to wait ages to hear more.

5. "BAD" - JENYER feat. KIMMUSEUM (August 24)

She finally returned to the music industry! This is definitely one of the most underrated songs on this list and I really didn't expect it to rank so highly but it's literally amazing and super addicting. The featured artist has such a nice voice too.

4. "Scandalous" - KEEMBO (May 23)

Speaking of underrated bangers, I'm so glad Keembo debuted and then gave us this bop for a comeback. I literally sing this to myself all the time; the hook is permanently stuck in my head. Thank you, SPICA, for saving the Kpop industry, even if its just a subunit.

3. "KAZINO" - BIBI (April 29)

Bibi is definitely my solo artist of the year. Seriously, look at her go! Talented from top to bottom, and although I'm not really grading music videos for this category, this one deserves the mention - the aesthetics, styling, storyline, cinematography, everything. I love unhinged women. It's also probably my most played song on this list.

2. "What Do I Call You" - TAEYEON (December 15)

A late addition to the team, but deserves nothing lower than second place. Taeyeon has never put out a bad song. Despite having such sad lyrics, the song is majority quite light. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels the way thoughts feel when you get distracted by your inner monologue. I love it.

1. "Plant" - SEJEONG (July 14)

Look, I didn't expect this either. I hadn't listened to this song in a while before I started making this list, but as soon as I heard it I realised there was no way that this was anything other than literally the best solo song released this year. The way Sejeong sings is just so... loving. The instrumental only boosts her vocals and you can feel yourself yearning along with her.

[fandom-star]

Transgender Pride Month Challenge

So, I'm an admin on a trans meme/info account on Instagram, and one of the guys on there sent this to our chat, so I thought I'd do it on here.

1. My name is Elliott or Ell. I am asexual and bi/panromantic (both fit me so I use both) and I am a transmasculine non-binary person.

2. The only proper coming out I've had was with my mum. I don't feel like putting it here, it's somewhere on my blog. Most of the time I've either given my friends my Tumblr knowing they'd figure it out or I've just dropped a thousand hints in group chats! I dunno, I just prefer coming out like that with people I know will be okay with it.

3. I've probably always had an idea, at least since I was about 8, but after the age of 10 I kind of went into a fair bit of denial and threw myself into being a fangirl. I eventually realised I should look into it in May 2018, when I first identified as a demigirl.

4. I am not on hormones. It's probably something I'll look into doing maybe in my mid twenties for half a year, maybe a year, to get the extent of the effects that I want, but I don't think I'd stay on for much more than a year.

5. My support system is mostly my friends. 

6. My chest, my deadname (mostly seeing it written), sometimes my voice, sometimes my height.

7. When I decided to change my name (July 2018 when I was exploring the possibility of being a trans guy) the one thing I knew was that I wanted to still be able to feasibly use the nickname Ell. So I basically looked around online for names with that sound in them. I ended up with about five or six and wrote down the pros and cons of them all. The only con on the name Elliott was that there was a guy in my form class with the same name (Elliot), whereas the others usually had about two. So I chose Elliott.

8. I haven't had much of a transition journey. I had my hair cut short in July 2018. Had my first irl coming out in September 2018 as non-binary to a friend who figured it out. July 2019 I changed my name. July and August 2019 I came out to my mum (if you followed me then you'll know what that story is and why it was over two months). November 2019 I went to a comic con with my friends which was my first time being openly non-binary in public, and I also bought my first pronoun badge there. Later in the month, my mum bought me a pronoun badge. December 2019 my best friend bought me my first binder. And some point before September 2020 I will have come out on my personal Instagram.

9. I don't think I have any regrets. I feel like I shouldn't have any, because everything I have done has brought me here, and I'm happy where I am. Maybe I regret backing out of coming out on Instagram last month, because I was gonna try coming out on 1st of July, but with everything happening I felt like it was a really inappropriate time.

10. My binder is a blue half tank from GC2B. His name is Robbie. I can't be bothered to take a photo!

11. My definite transition goals are to legally change my name and gender (but only when the UK legally recognises non-binary people, until then imma confuse people by having a masculine legal name but being legally recognised as female!) and have a chest reduction. As I said earlier, I'm definitely considering testosterone, but the two effects I definitely want from it are facial hair and a deeper voice, both of which I could probably achieve to an extent without the involvement of T. (I basically have the ability to grow a beard naturally, but I never have because mum's worried about me being bullied or whatever if it gets too much.)

14. I am single and have never been in a relationship. I know, I know, the shock and the horror of a 16 year old having never been in a relationship, but I'm permanently anxious about everything, and I don't develop crushes very often and the last two I've had have been on friends, one of which doesn't live near me and I've never met in person, so.... Yeah, and that means I can't really say whether people knowing I'm trans or not has had any difference in them being attracted to me.

15. Obviously, I'm not completely out right now, but when I do come out I will be quite open about it. There's no real way to be stealth as a non-binary person, so that's not really a possibility. Even on the trans masc side of things, I don't think I'd ever be able to be stealth nor do I really want to be. For one, my transition plans don't exactly allow for it particularly, but also, while being referred to as male is highly preferable to being referred to as female, if I can have control over it, I won't be seen as strictly either.

16. I think I stand with the majority when I say that the only concern I can think of around transitioning is transphobia. Especially with my classmates, because while some of them are amazing (hello the whole five of you here) there's a lot of casual transphobia and explicit mockery of non-binary people at my school. It's one of the reasons I really hope our pride group continues when I start back at Sixth Form in September, because I feel like we could do a lot to combat that.

17. I mean, I guess I basically went over fear of rejection in 16, but I guess I could extend on that by explaining why I don't really mention my dad in regards to all this. Basically, I haven't come out to him about anything regarding my queer identity. This isn't necessarily because of him being explicitly homophobic or transphobic (he's never said anything homophobic ever and seemingly supports my going to pride events), it's mostly because our relationship is somewhat distant. We don't have an awful lot to do with each other outside of sharing interests. And he tends to be averse to anything "new". So, yes, I fear that if I came out to my father about being non-binary he would react by either ignoring it or me or not believing me.

20. September 2016 vs Today, June 2020

21. Something I'm most proud of relating to being trans... ooh! Probably the time I went out for lunch with my mum and my granny (who is basically deaf) and being called "sir" and "young man" by two different waiters while mum went to the toilet. The reason that's such an amazing moment for me is because I was feeling extremely dysphoric about how long my hair was getting, so I wasn't even making any attempt to look at all masculine. 

22. Things that make me euphoric are binding, people saying my name, listening to recordings of my voice (a lot of the time it sounds a lot more androgynous than I expect) and seeing photos of myself in cosplay.

23. Music. Very generic! Um... I have a Spotify playlist of songs to listen to when I feel dysphoric. Speaking of Spotify playlists, most of them are based on ships or characters. My username is seltudoor. I have a rather large record collection and an old record player/radio/cassette player that used to be my dad's that I think is from the 80s. Everything else you know! Classic rock, Sinatra and all that.

24. Freddie Mercury is the love of my life (HA!) and my role model. I have put into words why somewhere on my music blog, but I can't exactly remember. It goes a bit deeper than that he wasn't afraid to be true to himself. I also have an entire post about my trans role model Lou Sullivan that I made last June. In short, he was the first trans man to medically transition as an openly gay man who was also a badass, though I mainly say that because towards the end of his life (he died from AIDS complications) he wrote that, although the medical system didn't recognise him as a gay man, it seemed as though he was going to die like one.

25. Weirdest fact about me. Hmm... not sure I have any weird facts. My bookshelf organisation has two aspects to it that I don't think I've seen anyone else have. I group them by genre and order them by publication date from earliest to latest.

26. Things that cross my mind a lot. The fact that I should really be doing some writing instead of reading another fanfiction or watching another YouTube video that spoils most of Merlin for me. I don't know really.

27. You can win my heart by having a presence that makes me feel like I can happy stim in front of you whilst we watch something together, by accepting the fact that you will probably come second to my fandoms/obsessions a lot of the time, by allowing me to be touchy and clingy at random moments for often a long period of time, by not judging that I can't do "normal everyday things" and helping me with them and by being weird. 

28. My mum, @maestrowave​, @in3ffable-husbands​, @fandom-0bsession​ and everyone else in my active group chats on Instagram, @britpop-bowie​, @esperata​ and some other people.

29. I don't know what I'm most scared of. 

30. I think I'm mostly happy. I have great friends, my education is probably headed in a direction that will allow me to progress into an industry I've wanted to work in since I was 9 and in two years' time I will hopefully be at uni and able to experiment with my transition without worrying about what my parents think.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. What kind of textures do you enjoy most in your food? Crunchy, crispy, soft, hard, grainy, slimy, etc? I definitely don’t like hard or slimy textures. That just sounds gross lol.

2. Do you keep up any seasonal decorations outside of their season?  The Christmas decorations in my room have been up for 2 years. :X

3. Can you remember the most awkward situation you've ever been in? What happened? Way too many of those. My life is an awkward situation. 

4. Can you remember the most scary situation you've ever been in? What happened? There’s been several scary situations. I don’t feel like getting into any of those.

5. Do you do anything unusual to help you concentrate? Some people find ASMR unusual, but *shrug* It’s helpful for myself and many others.

6. Do you ever wonder what your parents were like as children/teenagers? They’ve told me stories and other family members have shared stories as well, but yeah. 

7. Do you think suicide is ever "okay?" I can’t answer this in a easy or simple way, it’s a lot deeper than that. It would require a serious discussion and I do not want to get into that.

8. Would you rather a close family member/close friend/significant other die of suicide or murder? Why is this? Wtf kind of question is this??? 

9. In your opinion, what is the worst thing someone could ever do? Rape/murder/abuse.

10. In your opinion, what is the best thing someone could ever do? That’s harder to answer cause there’s a lot of good/best things someone could do.

11. Do you think about any fellow xangans outside of xanga? I’ve seen things, like while scrolling through my dash or something, that made me think of a few of you on here.

12. What military installation is the closest to you? Hmm.

13. Do you still open your windows during winter? I don’t open my window ever.

14. How cold is too cold? How hot is too hot? When I have to layer up and can’t get warm and when I’m hot and miserable and feeling like shit.

15. Would you rather lose both legs or both arms? Why? As a paraplegic, losing my arms would have a much bigger impact on me. 

16. If you committed a crime that landed you in prison for the rest of your life, but were given the option to receive the death sentence instead, which would you choose? Why? Jeez, this survey...

17. Is there any specific album you can listen to in its entirety and enjoy every single song? There’s a few.

18. Would you rather be a famous movie star, television star, or musician? None of those, thanks.

19. If you are not religious, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that were and said grace before eating? How was this for you? If you are religious and say grace before dinner, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that weren't and didn't say grace before eating? How was this for you? My faith and relationship with God only started a few years ago, so I’ve been in the first situation many times throughout my life. I had no issue with it, I was respectful about it. I just sat there quietly until they were done. I usually even lowered my head as well, I just didn’t pray. I’ve since been on the other side and there isn’t an issue. I admittedly don’t do it often, which is something I’d like to change, but when I do I just say a little prayer in my head and then carry on. 

20. Do you think an evil Santa or an evil Easter Bunny would make a better villain in a horror movie? Evil Santa. “Ho, ho, ho, it’s time for you to go.” ha.

21. Did you ever think any fictional story-book character was creepy as a child? Do you still think any of them are creepy? Goosebump books! I loved ‘em, though.

22. Would you rather wear nothing but white or nothing but black? Is there any color you'd actually want to wear head-to-toe? >> Nothing but black, since that’s what I mostly do anyway. <<< Same. I feel most comfortable in black. I couldn’t wear all white, it would for sure get stained.

23. What physical/mental health problems run in your family? Do you have any of the same problems? Diabetes, some cancers, back problems, bad eyesight, depression, anxiety...

24. What is your mental and physical health like right now? I talk about my health, especially my mental health, all the time. 

25. If you found a suit case (with no information about the owner) with a million dollars inside of it , would you turn it into the police or keep it? Be honest. ;] Honestly, I’d think it was too suspicious and part of a setup or something. I would be afraid of risking getting involved in something I don’t want to be involved in. A million dollars is a shitload of money to just be transported around like that. Like why is it being transported around and not in a bank? I think I’d just anonymously inform the cops of a suspicious suitcase and leave it at that. 

26. Would you rather gaze at the stars or clouds? “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do. They were all yellow.”

27. Are they any foods you used to enjoy but no longer like? Are there any foods you used to dislike but now enjoy? I can’t have spicy foods anymore, haven’t been able to for a few years now, but it still makes me sad. It’s not that I don’t like it anymore, I was obSESSED with spicy food, I just can’t tolerate it anymore cause of some health reasons. It sucks. My appetite has changed a lot as well the past few years, so I just don’t even eat like I used to. I used to be such a foodie. As for food I used to dislike but now enjoy... I can’t think of any.

28. Do you feel much older or younger than you are? Why? Both. I think I feel older cause of some physical health reasons and just feeling broken, rundown, and exhausted (no offense to older people, hell there’s a lot of older people who are doing much better than me and have a lot more energy). I feel younger, too. I’m a child at heart, but I also just don’t feel like someone who is in their 30s. I don’t know, man. It’s hard to explain. 29. Did you get along with kids that were older or younger than you? A lot of my friends were a year younger than me. I never was held back or anything, I was just a year older than most of the kids in my class for some reason.

30. Do you know any magic tricks?  Not anymore, but I dabbled a bit with card tricks when I was a kid.

31. How much would life suck for you if you had a wheat allergy? Oh, man. No cookies, cakes, donuts, muffins, wheat bread, bread crumbs (my mom uses breadcrumbs when she makes her meatballs, which I love, and I also like it on mac and cheese), condiments, salad dressing, sauces, or deli meats??? I love all those things. :( 32. Are you able to watch gory scenes in movies? Why or why not? I can handle it for the most part. The worst that always comes to mind when asked this is a particular scene in Midsommar. That was tooooo much. 

33. Do you constantly check the time? Does time seem to move quickly or slowly for you? It does feel that way. My life is very scheduled and routine. Like, I take medicine at certain times and I tend to eat around the same time. Even when it comes to drinking water and whatnot. I’ll be like, okay in an hour I’ll start on my first water bottle of the day and then around [insert time here] I’ll eat something. Time often seems to move very slowly in the day by day, but then I can look back and be like how is July already almost over?? 

34. Would you rather live in a nice house in a bad location, or a less-than-nice house in a great location? I would much rather live in a nice location where I feel safer. 

35. Have you ever been a witness to a horrible crime? What happened? I’ve witnessed a drunk driving swerving on the highway, a domestic violence situation (they were in the car driving on the highway, too!), and animal abuse. Each of those times I called the cops.

[xxairo-dev]

Next Log

So I started making a 2D pixel art game. Welcome to my new Dev blog!

No official name, but the unofficial name is Bowfish.

(TLDR and Dev log with pretty gifs at bottom)

Hello internet, friends, and 2020 -- those of you that have been following me all this time know that I’ve been doing art for a loooong time. Even before I got into digital art in 2010, I’ve been drawing with paper and pencil for as long as I can remember and probably started playing video games right at the same time. For reference, my earliest memories of video games consist of Lemmings 3D on PS1, followed shortly by Rayman and Spyro the Dragon. 

I’m still a big Spyro fan, also pretty sure this is how I became obsessed with dragons in general. 

Science based dragon MMO girl, wherever you are -- I feel you, I am you.

Basically, I’ve been playing video games all my life (to the detriment of my parents) and I owe it to gaming for igniting my early artistic ambitions. In fact, I remember learning how to draw by copying the character art of Neopets and Sonic Advance before one day stumbling upon one of my dad’s Game Informer magazines and being blown away by the art that I saw in there (particularly the WoW art). I’m pretty sure that was when I was first introduced to Big Boy™ game art and instantly thought, “Whoa, I want to be able to draw like that”.

Later, when I got my first drawing tablet and started making digital art, it became “I want to draw for a video game”.

Even later, when I learned that being a video game artist was not a very realistic career path and opted to pursue a bachelors degree in biology instead of art, it became “I want to draw for a video game... on the side”.

Even later-er, when I got my degree in 2017 and started working full-time and realized that work saps you of all energy and motivation to work on projects at home, it became “I want to draw for a video game... some day”. 

Well, today here we are in 2020 amid the COVID-19 pandemic. In March, I got furloughed from my biology job due to the quarantine. I spent four months passing time, thinking that I’d go back to work soon. But by the end of July, I was at wit’s end of what to do with myself after getting burnt out on a number of hobbies, games, shows, books, etc. without spiraling into some very expensive hobbies (hello aquariums) with the money I wasn’t making. I badly needed to find something productive to do that I thought would also benefit me in the long run i.e. post-quarantine, and unfortunately I couldn’t work on wet lab techniques at home.

“Learn to code” is what my parents have said to me about a thousand times for the past 5 years. “Learn to code” is what I did try for about two weeks with Code Academy a few years ago before realizing that none of what I was learning was going to stick because I wasn’t programming in any part of my daily life. As a biologist, in evolution we like to call this “if you don’t use it, you lose it”. 

I know all too well about how coding is one of the best skills you can learn. However, I also know myself all too well to know that learning code for the sake of learning code wasn’t going to work for me. I wanted to wait to learn when the right situation presented itself, ideally when I would have an opportunity to use it almost every day at like a job or something.

Well, one of my good fellow artist (and biology) friends had recently taken the plunge into creating his first video game Meganura earlier in the year. I was (and still am) seriously -- and I cannot emphasize this enough -- impressed by his progress, dedication, and ability to learn coding for this game. Or more frankly, I was seriously impressed by his dedication and progress in to learning how to code for this game.

Meganura in all it’s crispy pixel-y goodness. Man, my friends are talented.

I dwelled on this for a while. 

I always considered making a game to be out-of-reach because I absolutely could not muster up the motivation to learn a single drop of code without being paid to do so after 1) being beaten over the head by “learn how to code” for so long and 2) having already tried and given up in the past. 

But as it got harder to sleep well, eat well, and feel happy during the quarantine, I feel like I hit a rock bottom where I felt like if I didn’t make a big effort to find a new purpose, then I was probably going to become depressed. To preface this, I have experienced depression before, and ever since I got out it has been my goal in life to never experience it again. 

The only way I was going to survive this quarantine was to give myself a new “job”.

I already had a creative mind and the skills to create art and animations for a game. I already had a lifetime of game playing experience that had formed a detailed list of specific mechanics and visual details that I knew I wanted or didn’t want in a game. I already had an analytical and detail-oriented mind (thanks biology... or thanks videogames?) that liked to plan and build things. 

All it would take is just a little bit of code...

If you’ve read this far, thanks for listening and I hope some of you hear yourselves in my story.

TLDR;

I am just a daytime biologist and hobby digital artist with zero coding experience.

I’m extremely proud to say that since 07/29/20, I have been successfully developing and coding my own 2D pixel art video game in Unity and am in full swing!

This is the start of my dev blog, where I’ll be logging my progress and thoughts throughout this journey for like-minded and aspiring individuals. 

My Goals:

- To create everything from scratch -- art, scripts, etc.

- To create a game about bow hunting with intuitive drag/release controls

- To create a game that has cooking and campfires

- To create a game with pretty water graphics

- To create a game that has sushi and cats

- To have a playable demo by mid 2021 (my guess for the end of quarantine)

How I’ve been learning C#:

I have been following along with YouTube tutorials to create a base script and then looking up things in Unity’s scripting documentation to expand and modify my code to achieve exactly what I want. I’ve been learning C# and how to read documentation through almost entirely pattern recognition (e.g. mimicking and experimenting with code I’ve copied from tutorials and recognizing keywords in documentation) and turning to Google or my Tech Career Peers™ for help when I get stuck or to clarify things.

The key thing is that even after copying some code, I read the documentation and figure out how every line of code in my script works before moving on.

This is because after spending a few days of looking up YouTube tutorials, I realized there were no tutorials for the exact bow controls that I wanted. Instead, I ended up watching multiple tutorials and learned how all of their scripts worked before combining and modifying pieces together. Then, I started relying entirely on documentation to write lines of code. 

I don’t know how many original lines of code I’ve written so far, but there are so many now and I am so proud of all of them.

So anyway, here’s what’s happened over the past 2-3 weeks.

Dev Log:

7/29/20

- Came up with an idea for a game

7/30/20

- Installed Unity and started watching Unity tutorial videos

7/31/20 

- Created water shader via shader graph (no coding required!)

- Created a basic background, player sprite, bow sprite, and arrow sprite in Photoshop

08/03/20

- First time coding in C#

- Struggle to code in Notepad++, switched to Visual Studio Code

08/06/20

- Created physics based slingshot controls for the bow and arrow with a line renderer bowstring

- Colliders!

08/09/20

- Unable to find a way to pull arrow back horizontally (-X) regardless of mouse Y movement (OnMouseDown)

- Decided that slingshot controls are for slingshots, not bows and arrows

- Scrapped physics based slingshot controls due to overcomplication (rip)

08/10/20

- Created new projectile based controls that still include drag/shoot physics

08/11/20

- Limited rotation of the bow while aiming to max 45° and min -45°

- Developed distaste for vector algebra

- Made it so that if you don’t drag far enough, you won’t release an arrow

08/12/20

- Created a trajectory line coming off the bow

- Made arrows fade away after colliding

- Created git repository to keep all project files backed up on github (Don’t wait to do this! Should’ve been done on day 1)

08/14/20

- Added physics and collider to player

- Allow you to face and move left/right with the A and D keys + updated bow controls to match

- Created left/right movement while aiming + updated bow controls to match

- Created mouse drag line for development use

- Created waterline

- Made it so the bow resets to it’s default position if you haven’t used the bow for over 2 seconds

08/15/20

- Updated Player sprite in Photoshop

- Obtained Asesprite

- Created walk animation

08/16/20

- Created  bow walk, bow equip, and bow unequip animations

Next Log

[hiiggsmonaghan]

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 910 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 1920 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 2930 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 3940 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 4950 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 5960 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 6970 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 7980 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 8990 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99

Are you fuckin’ kidding me--?

Alright, I’ll answer them ALL. 

1. Name: Higgs Monaghan Silver/Silvio

2. Nationality: Canadian/Acadian

3. Age: 22

4. Birthday: July 19th 

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign): Cancer

6. Gender: cis male

7. Sexuality: Gay

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself):  This will have to wait until a special reveal. (Future cosplay things.)

9. What do you/did you study?: ... Does Egyptian history count?

10. What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have?: [Nervous laughter] I have no idea what I’d like to do for a job. 

-

11. Your birth order: First child

12. How many siblings do you have?: 1 “real” sibling, but so many siblings by bond.

13. Do you have good relations with your family?: Biological family? Absolutely not. Except for two of my cousins. They are cool.

14. How many friends do you have?: Too many that it’s obnoxious. [Just kidding, I appreciate you all.]

15. Your relationship status: Taken/Engaged

16. What do you look for in a SO?: Someone who can kick my ass. [Who can handle my anger outbursts]

17. Do you have a crush?: No. 

18. When did you have your first kiss?: When I was 14. It was forced and was a terrible experience. 

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?: Meaningful ones, funny enough.

20. What are your deal breakers?: Overly clingy, too loud, not respectful of my music choices

-

21. How was your day?: Cold. Snowstorm happened today.

22. Favourite food & drink: Pizzas/cheeseburgers || Strawberry slushie with tapioca pearls/orange juice

23. What position do you sleep in?: Fetal position. [Hahahah... ha.]

24. What was your last dream about?: Cannot remember.

25. Your fears: The ocean [drowning], deep forests.. uhh... There are others but I cannot think of it at the moment

26. Your dreams: To be on my goddamn motorcycle, livin’ a good life without my mental illness in the way.

27. Your goals: See above.

28. Any pets?: Not yet! Planin’ to get a black cat soon!

29. What are your hobbies?: Music and readin’

30. Any cool places in your area?: Pfft, no. It’s so fuckin’ boring here.

31. What was your last awkward situation?: I was at Tim Horton’s and there was a baby cryin’ behind me so I looked over at it and played... peek-a-boo with them. It was...weird. But at least the baby shut up. The mother didn’t do shit to make the baby stop cryin’ so.. Great Parenting.

32. What is your last regret?: Well too many to really talk about but I’ll go with the funny route and my last regret was not goin’ to Burger King yesterday and eatin’ salad instead of a burger. 

33. Language/s you can speak: English

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.): Not really. It’s all just whatever for me.

35. Have any quirks?: I bite my nails often... I pretend to conduct music while it is playing... uh...???

36. Your pet peeves: Everything.

37. Ideal vacation: Anywhere away from North America.

38. Any scars?: Many. 

39. What does your last text message say?: “Nah”

40. Last 5 things from your search history: Twitter, Vargskelethor’s twitch, Cloud Strife, YouTube, FF7 remake release date

41. What's your [device] background?: RK900 from Detroit Become Human

42. What do you daydream about?: Usually having super strength and throwing people whom bother me across the world or just... punchin’ them. 

43. Describe your dream home: A  simple house, really. Nothin’ too fancy. Just the idea of havin’ my own house? Even if it isn’t that big or anythin’... That is a dream for me. Oh, and I want it painted black. Hah.

44. What's your religion/Your thought about religion: I’d say I’m atheist but... I do believe in God. I AM God. :)

45. Your personality type:  ISTP-T

46. The most dangerous thing you've done: [Looks at the list of dangerous things I have done] ... There are too many

47. Are you happy with your current life?: At the moment? Yeah. There are things I am still angry about but it’s... fine.

48. Some things you've tried in your life: Smoking. Drawing. Singing. Writing. Playing the guitar. ???

-

49. What does your wardrobe consist of?: Black and reds. 

50. Favourite colour to wear?: Black.

51. How would you describe your style?: Goth/punk

52. Are you happy with your current looks?: Eh.. Not really but it’s all I got.

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?: Grow. Damn. Facial. Hair. Holy FUCK.

54. Any tattoos or piercings?: Snake bites. But I took one out so only one lip piercing now. And tattoos? Soon. Very soon. [Gonna be Higgs’ themed, baby.]

55. Do you get complimented often?: No and when I do I make it Stop. I hate it. Never compliment me. 

56. Favourite aesthetic?: Black/gold aesthetics as of late.

57. A popular trend that you dislike: Everything. I hate them all.

- [FINALLY THE ONES I WANTED, JESUS CHRIST]

58. Songs you're currently obsessed with?:  Allesfresser by LINDEMANN 

It’s a great song to listen to for me because I just punch my punching bag to this song. Makes my anger just... go away. It’s fuckin’ nice.

59. Song you normally wouldn't admit you like: .... Let’s Dance by David Bowie

I am a new fan of David Bowie. It just literally started in July or late June. I’m the typical metal head but for some reason Bowie just caught my ear? I dunno, man.

60. Favourite genre?: METAL. Well, Power Metal. I love all sorts of metal except for like.. most death metal/black metal. It is too much for me sometimes. But yeah, if yall are into metal... I’m all ears. I love talkin’ about metal.

61. Favourite artist/band/genre?: Well I already spoke about my favorite genre. For favorite bands? God... Uh.. I have a list here of favorite bands/musicians. Check it out if you’re interested. 

62. Hated popular songs/artists?: Honestly? I’m gonna be one of those guys and say pretty much everything on the radio these days. I don’t like pop/rap and all the most popular stuff. Turning the radio on is ear torture these days. Except for the rock channel, that one is okay most of the time.

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5:

1 - System of a Down’s Chop Suey in the Style of Ghost by Ten Second Songs

This guy is simply AMAZING. If yall haven’t already, you NEED to check out his channel. He is wicked talented and he has different styles for different songs. Like for example, Metallica’s Enter Sandman in the style of David Bowie. It’s amazing. 

Check him out. His YouTube is Ten Second Songs.

2 - City by Hollywood Undead

This one just gives me my inner Higgs’ vibes. That is really all I can say.

3 - Mein Teil by Rammstein

4 - Cars by Fear Factory

5 -  龍が如く極 - Turning Point [From Yakuza Kiwami]

Yeah, hi. Yakuza fan here. Do I have to say any more? 

64. Can you sing or play any instruments?: I can kind of sing, [very badly, mind you] and sort of play the guitar. I’m tryin’ to learn Come as You Are by Nirvana at the moment... but that’s about it

65. Do you like karaoke?: 

.... Yes. My inner Nishiki in me just cannot lie about this.

66. Own any albums?: Absolutely. I am a firm believer in albums rather than just buying them digitally. I love having an actual copy in my hands rather just on the computer. 

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?: Not really. I only listen to the rock station.

-

68. Favourite movie/series?: Star Wars.

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc: Uhhh... I don’t know

70. Your fictional crush/es: Sam Fuckin’ Porter Bridges, General Hux, RK900...

71. Which fictional character is you?: [Chuckles nervously] 

Higgs Monaghan-- 

Too many to write down. I’ll just pass myself the trouble.

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so: Eh not really. Only like.. Gavin/RK900 [Reed900] and General Hux/Kylo Ren [Kylux/Huxlo]

73. Favourite greek god?: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? I don’t know?

74. A legend from where you live that you like: None.

75. Do you like art? What's your favourite work or artist?: I’m gonna be cheesy and say all of my friends because it’s true. I love my friends art.

76. Can you share your other social media?: Yeah sure. My twitter is @hiiggsmonaghan

77. Favourite youtubers?: Markiplier, Jacksepticeye... Streamers: Vargskelethor and Vinesauce

78. Favourite platform?: Tumblr and Twitter

79. How much time do you spend on the internet?: .. Too long

80. What video games have you played? Which one's your favourite?: Ones I have PLAYED that are my favorite: Pokemon, Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy XV, Yakuza 0/Kiwami. 

I also have a lot a games I love that I just watched. Like a lot of Legend of Zelda games and of course Death Stranding!

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts): Anything really by William Blake. I guess that really isn’t a “book” but.. all I really read are poems, Shakespearean plays and Egyptian history books.

82. Do you play board/card games?: No

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema?: No

84. Favourite holiday: Halloween

85. Are you into dramas?: Not really.

-

86. Would you use death note, if you had one?: ABSOLUTELY. And I do have one. Well... a replica. Not the real one of course.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?: Get rid of the racists, rapists, pedos and homo/trans phobes. The world would just be more pleasant to live in, yeah?

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?: Probably. Because I stay inside a lot anyway.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?: A demon because I am that fuckin’ edgy.

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?: VOID OUT, BITCH. Uh, I don’t know. 

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?: I did change my name so I am happy with it. 

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?: Uh.. No one. Can that be an option?

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo: The devil smiling one I guess?

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true

1. I am in a poly relationship while I am also engaged.

2. I have a knife collection

3.I still used an mp3 instead of using my phone for music

-

95. Cold or hot?: ... Cold because you can get warm with blankets and sweaters while if you are hot, it’s damn impossible to not be hot.

96. Be a hero or be a villain?: Hero in my eyes, but to all of you I’m the villain for some DAMN reason.

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?: Sing I guess. Imagine singing in metal. Holy SHIT

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?: CONTROLLING TIME.

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?: Immune to everything. I’m sick of being sick.

====

And there you have it. I’m... fuckin’ DONE. This took literal HOURS, ANON. I hope yall read through this.

[clevercatchphrase]

Just some numbers and figures~

So! I finished my fan fiction, You Monster, this week, and it took me exactly 3 and a half years to write/edit/publish. This post at the time of writing, however, is being written a few days before the final chapter goes up, just examining  some numbers and trends around the wordcount and posting rate of my fan fic, because i’m obsessed with numbers and such, and i’m just trying to chew up time and keep myself occupied before the last chapter goes public. There’s literally no point to this post other than to marvel at how long this story is and how long it took me to get it out there, and reflect on what happened to me in The Real World during that time. Care to join me?

In Microsoft Word, this entire story is 609 pages and 209,235 words. The word count is slightly higher on AO3 (which I consider the definitive draft), partly because AO3 counts formatting tags as words for some reason, and because if I make little adjustments to the story, I’ll do it on AO3, but not on the original word file (or corresponding tumblr post for that matter) because I can’t be bothered to. 

According to AO3, I started this fic on January 3rd, 2016, smack dab in the middle of my winter break in my last year of college. I probably started writing it a few days before, maybe in december. I’m not really sure, but I’m kinda surprised I started it so early in the year, especially since I was writing by the seat of my pants for the first 14 chapters or so.

The following pictures highlight what days/months chapters were posted, according to AO3 (I personally think there might be a discrepancy or two due to timezones)

Chapter-wise, the first third of this story (Chapters 1 through 12) was written and posted in 2 months, and TWO THIRDS of the entire story (Chapters 1 through 25 (rounding up)) were written in the first YEAR.

Wordcount-wise, HALF the story (roughly 100k words) was written in one year.

There was a dramatic drop in productivity at the middle/end of 2016 due to Real World Stress, mostly me graduating & getting a job, the presidential elections, and learning a family member was starting to have kidney failure.

God, 2017 was a bad year for me, productivity-wise. In early June I lost said family member due to their kidney failure, and was completely unmotivated to work on You Monster for the rest of the year. I remember forcing myself to write for NaNoWriMo that year, and it helped snap me out of my funk, but I didn’t like how the writing came out and kept pushing off revising and editing the drafts for several weeks. I also remember getting really sick on christmas eve/day with a terrible flu, which made me unable to post the next chapter until January.

I actually felt a lot better mentally and emotionally in 2018. I WOULD have written more in early 2018, but that was also when the Hiveswap Comic Contest started, and lasted for 3 straight months with me doing nothing more than drawing comics for 12 consecutive weeks. Then, after that was over, I started thinking/planning more seriously about writing ANOTHER story, which later became Ghost Switch, and I offically started that halfway through 2018. I originally thought about making Ghost Switch a written work, but it was basically going to be another re-telling of Undertale, which was what I was doing with You Monster anyway, and I didn’t want to write all of that out again, so I decided to make it a comic instead. It was a great decision for me art-wise, because now I’m improving my art skills through weekly comic pages, but it was also a terrible decision art-wise because now I GOTTA KEEP DRAWING POSES AND BACKGROUNDS AND DRAWING PEOPLE IS HARD. 

Back to the point- I forced myself to write this fic again for NaNoWriMo that year, and was terribly upset that I still didn’t finish. But this time, I forced myself to revise and edit my writing until it became something I could tolerate, and posted the next chapter in January (again, but this time because my writing needed far more revisions than last year’s nano draft) 

Getting back into revising and editing DID seriously help me get back in the groove of Wanting To Write, but it was a little trickier now that I was also drawing a comic, and it was hard to manage my time between the two, because when I write, I do it for great stretches at a time. I mean, like, 4 or 5 hours straight of writing. Same goes for comic making, too. sketching the pages can take me two hours, and cleaning/inking/coloring them can take me anywhere from 4 to 6 hours.

Hm. If I included the other fics I wrote during this time, I get the feeling these calendars would look a lot more active and colorful. Maybe i’ll do that for myself later, so I can see how much I posted in 3 years.

This year, I was absolutely determined to finish this story, even if it killed me. I was still struggling to manage my time between writing and art, mostly dedicating a few weeks to make a buffer of comic pages so I could have a couple of weeks dedicated to writing. It was time consuming, and I felt bad when I worked on one but not the other, but I finally got my breakthrough in May, when I had to take multiple trips to an automotive shop for several different car repairs. Instead of just leaving my car there and going home, I brought my writing spirals with me and just wrote and wrote and didn’t stop writing while I waited in their loby. I finally finished the rough drafts of my story after being stuck for 4 hours in a Pepboys, and spent two more full days typing it out. Then, I rested for a week, and spent 3 more revising and editing the remaining bits. I was hoping to get the whole thing done and posted before July ended, but that did not end up being the case. For me, when we finally get to August, we have entered “the end of the year”. Ah, well. Even though I didn’t get the story completely posted before August, I can still take pride in knowing I finished it before the year was half way over~!

NOW FOR SOME NUMBERS!

I personally divide this story into 5 arcs, Ruins, Snowdin, Waterfall, Hotland, and New Home And Beyond (Which is basically anything that can happen after you unlock the true lab in-game)

Ruins

The Ruins arc I consider everything in chapters 1 thorugh 12. It is simultainiously the longest arc (chapter-wise, with 12 chapters which as mentioned earlier, is 1/3rd of the story) and also the shortest arc, only taking up 24k words (Which is an 8th of the entire story, or roughly 12.5%).It was also the quickest writen arc, as it was primarily prologue/first act material. Pretty much all of it was written in that first January. It’s 80 pages long, or 13% of all pages

Snowdin

The snowdin arc (chapters 13 to 22) is just under 25% of the entire story, coming in at 49 thousand words (on the nose!) It is the second longest arc in both word count and in number of Chapters (10, to be exact~) It took me roughly 4.5 months to write this arc. We also spend the most physical in-story time in Snowdin. Almost 3 full days, which is half of the story’s timeline (not counting the 7-8 years in the Ruins. That was all set-up) It’s 172 pages long, or 28% of all pages.

Waterfall

The Waterfall arc (Chapters 23 to 28) is the longest arc wordcount-wise, making up another 25% of the story, coming in at 53.6 thousand words, and dead center when it comes to the number of chapters it makes up (which is 6). Looking at this now, litterally half this story takes place in Snowdin and Waterfall. Roughly one full day is spent in waterfall, from noon of the first day, to roughly late morning of the second. This arc took me 11 months to write/post, and if you read the notes for these corrisponding chapters, you can tell I was not having a good time during it. It’s 178 pages long, or 29% of all pages.

Hotland

The Hotland arc, (chapters 29 to 32) Is the shortest arc chapter-wise, with only 4 (10% of all chapters), and second shortest arc wordcount-wise, coming in at 36 thousand words, or about 18% of the story. It’s also the shortest in-story arc time-wise, seeing as you only spend about half a day here. I did not like writing the hotland arc! Mostly in part because Hotland is my least favorite region in the game. Chapter 32 is probably my least favorite out of all of what I’ve written. It was difficult figuring out what to do with Alphys and Mettaton, seeing as their interactions with you in game heavily focus on you and your human-ness. I am quite glad that each chapter was pretty neatly divided by in-game floors. It was a good way to know where a chapter could end and when I could give the characters some breathing room. It took me over a year to complete the Hotland arc, and most of that time was because I didn’t want to revise and edit what I wrote. It’s 123 pages long, or 20% of all pages.

New Home and Beyond

I don’t consider the True Lab part of Hotland because of in-game story reasons. You can’t access it until you’ve gone to New Home at least once, and once you enter it, you cant leave until you finish it, which, again, takes you to new home. Honestly, once you get to the true lab, you’ve won the game. There is no way to ruin your pacifist playthrough once you get to the lab, and while the amalgamates may kill you, you can’t “lose” once you get this far. That’s why I consider Chapter 33 the start of the New Home arc even though in my story we haven’t seen new home yet (mostly because there are no saves or resets in this story, so we kinda couldn’t have gone there first).

The New Home arc is the second shortest chapter-wise, making up the last 5 chapters (13% of all of them), and is dead-center when it comes to word count, finishing with 46.5 thousand words, or roughly the last 25%. I was actually really excited to write everything from chapter 34 to 36 after having been fantisizing about it in my head for the last two years. I gotta be honest, the end of chapter 37 gave me some trouble. I was still making edits up to a few days before it went public, but I think I got the feelings I wanted across~ It’s 161 pages long, or 26% of all pages.

Extra???

I started keeping a word file for bits of dialogue and scenes that I originally wrote in my spiral, but ultimately cut for one reason or another. Mostly these are just sentences and snippets that sounded redundant, ooc, or were just an alternate dialouge I decided not to use. I didn’t start doing this until chapter 28, according to my files, but according to the masterfile, there were 6.4 thousand words I ended up not using. 

There are, in fact, several bullet points I had originally planned and ended up not using, such as Sans ASKING Undyne to keep an eye on the kid while they were in waterfall, which sounded hypocritical after I wrote him coming to peace with them, as well as having Asgore tuoring the Underground that week, and thus Sans, Papyrus, Undyne and Alphys having to hide Frisk from him once they become friends. (the painkillers Alphys also gave frisk were actually supposed to induce drowsiness in Frisk, making them fall asleep so Alphys could keep them from going to New Home, but this was a point I dropped at the absolute last minute, and you can tell if you re-read chapter 29, because it’s hinted at, but the painkillers are never mentioned again. I figured that plot point was a little too dark for Alphys’ character)

Fun Fact: the zalgo text in Chapter 27 DOES actually have dialouge in it, if you know what to look for. Only one person has asked about it, but no one has yet to decifer it.

AT A GLANCE:

ARC LENGTHS (CHAPTER WISE) SHORTEST TO LONGEST

Hotland (4 Chapters)

New Home and Beyond (5 Chapters)

Waterfall (6 Chapters)

Snowdin (10 Chapters)

Ruins (12 Chapters)

ARC LENGTHS (WORDCOUNT WISE) SHORTEST TO LONGEST

Ruins (24k)

Hotland (36k)

New Home and Beyond (46.5k)

Snowdin (48k)

Waterfall (53.6k)

ARC LENGTHS (PAGE COUNT) SHORTEST TO LONGEST

(Same order as above)

TIME TAKEN TO WRITE/PUBLISH, SHORTEST TO LONGEST

Ruins (1 month)

Snowdin (4.5 months)

New Home and Beyond (~6 months)

Waterfall (11 months)

Hotland (>1 Year)

Other Numbers For Some Reason

Chapters 1 through 19 make up the 1st 50k words (this when Frisk falls into the underground, up to Sans attacking them in the kitchen) 19 chapters

Chapters 20 through 26 make up the 2nd 50k words (when Frisk decides to seek asgore’s help, to when Undyne cuts the bridge) 7 chapters

Chapters 27 through 31 make up the 3rd 50k words (when Frisk dislocates their shoulder to Flowey killing the messenger spider) 5 chapters

Chapters 32 through 37 make up the 4th 50k words (When Mettaton decides to change the programming, to Frisk’s final choice) 6 chapters

Only 5 chapters exceed 10k words, they are chapters 22, 27, 28, 33 and 36

Here’s a visual representation of all the chapters and their word counts in relation to one another. I was so startled by the spikes of chapter 22 and 28 that I had to go back and skim the chapters to remind myself what went down in them and why they were so long. Chapter 22 is papyrus trying to keep the human in snowdin while sans runs some errands, and then the human discovering the skelebro’s deceit. Chapter 28 is the human realizing Undyne tried to murder them, and then escaping from waterfall. I distinctly remembering saying I could have split chapter 28, but I was so tired of writing waterfall that I refused to do so because I just wanted it to end already.

I find it absolutely hilarious how consistant my word count was until chapter 20 (chapter 15 is an outliar), and then everything went off the rails.

Here’s a graph of the total word count, shown to you NaNoWriMo style~ (I spent way too long in excel making both of these charts, please validate me) 

The climb definitely looks a lot less drastic here, as it is always building on itself, but if you look closely, you can see one or two inflection points, roughly around chapter 20 and 28.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I’m so glad to finally be done with this story. It’s certainly deviated from what I originally planned, but I think all the changes are for the better. Now I can think about writing other things, like the PTA!AU shorts I’ve been meaning to do. It was fun and it was challenging, and this is literally the longest thing I’ve ever written in my life. Will I ever make a story this long again? Maybe?? If I ever encounter another game with as much character and worldbuilding as Undertale that also just hits me in the feels the same way, I might, but for now I’m going to focus on other projects (most of them still undertale related, but shut up)

Got any questions, comments, concerns for my fic? I’m so glad it’s done, now, and I’d be happy to talk about my thoughts behind it~

[dailyaudiobible]

02/19/2020 DAB Transcript

Leviticus 7:28-9:6, Mark 3:31-4:25, Psalms 37:12-29, Proverbs 10:5

Today is the 19th day of February, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it's great to be here with you. Coming to you from Ashdod, ancient Philistine stronghold city here in the land of Israel where we will be launching out today on the first day of our pilgrimage. So, super excited about all of that, super excited to share the photos and video and just talk about what we’re seeing and doing as we begin our adventure. But…well…not a lot has happened yet, but we’ll talk about it at the end but we are at the beginning and we have come around this Global Campfire to allow God's word to wash into our lives and speak to us today. So, we’re reading from the New International Version this week. Leviticus chapter 7 verse 28 through 9 verse 6 today.

Commentary:

Okay, so, in the Gospel of Mark we had the story, a farmer went out to so, right, and he throws seed and it lands on all different kinds of ground and this is a parable that Jesus is telling and we've encountered this parable while we were going to the book of Matthew. Matthew, Mark, and Luke are this synoptic Gospels and so there's a lot of shared material and pretty much all biblical scholars agree that the source material would be Mark, the gospel that we are reading as the earliest of the Gospels. So, Jesus talks about this farmer throwing seed. And, so, we can assume that there's nothing wrong with seed, like the seed is good seed and it was scattered evenly but it was scattered evenly over different kinds of ground. So…so the seed is good, but the hope of the harvest was in the soil. So, in Jesus parable the seed is the word of God and the soil is the human heart. So, right there we see that a collaboration is required, the human and the divine collaborate in God's kingdom. So, we’ve been at this, what…seven…are we seven weeks in yet…six weeks…I don't have a calendar in front of me and I'm still…still trying to keep up with what day this is as we launch this pilgrimage in the land of Israel. But we've been at this, we've established a rhythm, this is a daily thing we do. So, at this point it's a good time to take in Jesus message and apply it to ourselves because harvest is a theme throughout the Scriptures and harvest is a theme throughout our lives and we want the harvest in our lives but we can't expect a harvest that is going to yield 100 times over if the soil of our hearts is…isn't appropriate for that. So, in this analogy the…the word of God, like this is what we do, this is what we’re here for every day. So, this seed is getting thrown out, the word of God all over this community every day and if it only lands on the surface it's gonna get snatched away almost immediately. And don't we know that? Like haven’t it we witnessed that. We might not have thought of it in these terms, but don't we already know this is true and if our hearts are stony and cold and hard there's nowhere for the word of God to take root at all. And if we’re just obsessed by the worries of life or we’re just chasing wealth or some kind of goal or desire, well then according to Jesus, the seed has been thrown and it's good seed but it's fallen on a thorny ground that will choke out the word of God. So, this is as good a time as any to start thinking about what kind of soil we might be and what kind of soil we might be cultivating in our hearts. It…it might be time to do some gardening.

Prayer:

Jesus, we invite You into that as we hear Your words and consider what kind of soil we are. This was what You wanted us to think about. And, so, we are thinking about it. And it's interesting because we can probably find patches of all these different kinds of ground as we walk the terrain of our own hearts. It's likely that we can find places that are thriving. But it's also likely that we can find places where the word has been snatched away or where it's rocky ground and there's no place for it to take hold or we’re…we’re just obsessed with something else and distracted and so it's choked out. What we want to be is good soil because what we want to experience is the full harvest and to be a laborer for the good harvest in the lives of others. And, so, we invite Your Holy Spirit to cause us to continually come back to this today, to come back to our own hearts, to come back to its terrain. What does it look like? Show us the places that need tending. Come Holy Spirit we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website, home base, where you find out what's going on around here. And today will be our first day of…of touring in the land of Israel. And I won’t really be able to report back much until things happen. So, I'll get to tell you about today tomorrow but yeah, I can tell you about yesterday. Yeah….we got in and we went mudding and went out to a Philistine archaeological site called Akron, a place that I've been trying to get to over three different seasons. And lots of people were like, “why would you want to go there? Like, there’s nothing to see there. Why would you want to go there?” But…well that started out simply by trying to document and a photograph and take film of the…the Philistine strongholds mentioned in the Bible except for Gaza. And, so, we got three of those which is Gath and Ashdod and Ashkelon out. But the last two are modern cities. So, accessibility is relatively easy. This has been hard to get to. So, yeah once we were thwarted it was like, okay it's on. And then we were thwarted again in a different year and it was like, okay I don't care if there's nothing to see there, I…I am going to see that place. And, so, finally mission accomplished and…and then so we got to Ashdod and got all situated in a hotel and had just a fantastic dinner last night just getting familiar, just getting to see each other. It's all gonna become a family and so just making that first acquaintance. Jetlagged everybody, you know, just people all over the map. Some have come in early, got acclimated, some are just like, just getting in and delirious with it all but high on adrenaline. But it's always fun to be there on the Mediterranean coast and just realize “holy moly I'm in the holy land. Like that's the Mediterranean Sea. This is going to be epic.” And, so, that's kind of where we are and what we’re feeling and we’ll be heading southward today out into the wilderness, which is where so much of the biblical stories happen. And, so, we’ll be heading into the wilderness today making our way down to the furthest southern tip of Israel, a city called Eilot, which sits on the shores of the Red Sea. So, thank you. Thank you for your continued prayers over everything from the vehicles to the technology to health to whether to…to jetlag and just everything that goes into this. We’ll be kind of setting a rhythm for our days and we’ll fall into that rhythm, but this is kind of day one. And, so, we’re just getting used to the fact that we’re here at all. And, so, we…we…we gratefully, gratefully thank you for your prayers.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There's a link on the homepage. And I thank you. Thank you for profoundly for those of you who’ve clicked that link. If you're using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request a comment 877-942-4253 is number to dial.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Good morning DAB family it is Thursday February…no Wednesday, February 12th and I was walking to work, and I just heard the news about Diana. I just wanted to call in to tell her sons God is with you. Keep the faith. Your mom had enough faith for you both and she shared it with you, and she loved you and now she is healed and resting in God’s eternal heaven. So, Lord Jesus, I pray for these children and I pray that their mom’s wishes can be granted for them. This is Sadatres a.k.a. healing heart from Gaithersburg. All of you have a blessed and wonderful day.

Today is February 12th and this is Julie from Texas and I’m calling for Shannon from Texas. Your prayer was heard on the prayer line on February 1st I believe it was. It was one of the last prayers that was played. And I just want to call and stand with you in agreement for complete and total healing against whatever’s causing this attack of migraine that you’ve been experiencing. And, so, Lord I just thank you for touching Shannon’s body just removing stress removing any and every cause that would be coming against her for this migraine. We speak healing, complete and total healing over her body from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. And Shannon I would just encourage you to continue calling in and just plugging into the community with your petitions and prayers and just as well as your local communities not to pull away or isolate in that way of asking for prayer. And while we’re all on our own journey with God and our prayers might not be said perfectly or in an agreement or alignment with one person or the other, we’re still just making an impact together, holding each other’s arms and prayer. It’s just so important just that global community of prayer that we have here. There is power in that. And I’m reminded of Peter who while he had doubt, he was still the only one who stepped out of a boat and walked on water. And, so, I believe that’s what we’re doing here. Maybe our prayers aren’t said perfectly but they are impacting and changing, and we are standing together. So, continue calling in. I want to hear how Jaydrian is doing. I remember crying tears of joy when he gave his life to Christ and you shared that with us. And I know that he’s on his own journey as well and God is faithful to him and will accomplish everything that concerns him and can finish the good work that He started in Jaydrian’s life. So, call back in want to hear from you. Love you. Bye.

Good morning my name is Tatiana. I’ve been listening to DAB for about nine years and this is probably the second time I’ve called in. I…it’s February 12th and I was listening and I just heard Diana Davis sister call in and she said she went home and it just really hit hard for me because I just remember her calling in, her voice so enthusiastic and hopeful even in the days where she was battling her…her health issues. I’m just praying for her family and her sons and that they are comforted and at peace. And it’s just made me realize that some of the issues that we…like for me…that we take…take so…so hard it’s not really that big of a deal. There are people out here battling real issues and they’re going through loss and having health issues and they’re having issues with their family. And a lot of the things that we go through are so trivial to that and made me appreciate the time we have a family and the ones that we love. So, I’m just praying for her family. I hope they know she’s at peace, she’s healed, like her sister said. And I’m just sending up love and prayers for them. Amen.

This message goes out to my little sister who asked a question and is trying to see if anybody else goes through failure upon failure, climbing out of one bad situation just to get dumped into another one. To answer your question little sister, we all go through that. Everybody goes through that. Just a couple things I sensed listening to your message is, I’m hoping that a good night’s sleep has made you see a bit more clearly, has cleared your head a little bit. Also, stepping away from the…the problems, the situations and taking a break and not jumping back into it. That has helped me clear my head and renew my strength. And that’s…they that wait upon the Lord, that’s the verse. Just renewing strength by stepping away. Fighters go through that, pro athletes go through that, just step away it’ll help tremendously. The other thing is, it sounded you were like you are focused on the negative. And I have a trick that I use that I start thanking God for the negative and it refocuses my mind. I can start seeing the good in it and the blessing in it and where God is at. So, just try that. I love you sister. Hang in there you’ll bounce back awesomely. Bye now.

Hello, DABbers my name is Siv I’m calling you from Norway. I want to share a picture with you. I see this person walking, stumbling, falling, stumbling, falling, walking, stumbling, falling, full of bruises, full of wounds, full of hurts. So painful. And why? It’s because you are looking behind your shoulder all the time, it’s because of your past. You’re looking over your shoulder instead of looking in front of you. Fix your eyes on Jesus because your future is not your past. Your future is in Jesus. Your past is gone. Let go and let God. Let go and let God forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive other people that has hurt you and just fix your eyes on Jesus. Get free from your past. Learn from it but don’t live in it. I hope this gives sense to someone. Thank you, Brian for this wonderful podcast and all the great works you do and bless you on the way to Israel. I love Israel. That’s an awesome country. It’s like home for me. I’m going there soon myself. Bless you all. Bye-bye from the…

Hello Daily Audio Bible this is Janel I’m living in China. I called last from Alabama quite a while ago. Just want to thank everybody for the prayers that I got. I actually did make it to China and I’m here now and the corona virus is pretty real. Fortunately, I’m not sick and no one I know is sick that I know of, but it is creating a lot of restrictions on what we can do and how we can work. All of my classes are moving to online or messaging group classes. So, I am really missing out working with my kids and my students. So, if you could all just pray that the coronavirus is contained and significantly lessens and just basically dies out I would really appreciate it and I just thank you all for your prayers and thank you Brian for this amazing community and service that you provide. Bye.

Hello and good afternoon my brothers and sisters this is Harold from St. Louis the guy who’s running the marathon. And I was so touched. I listened to the January 31st community prayer podcast and there was a whole bunch of people just praying for me and my soul and blessing for me. That became so overpowering. And then my brother, Kingdom Seeker Daniel, you said you jumped for joy basically and screamed my name and that was so moving. And I thank every single one of you. There was a guy who even said it was written for me part of the kingdom before I even chose it. And I know I’m not paraphrasing it right. And I thank you and I thank everybody for all of your…all of your praise, all of your prayers all of your encouragement. And then there was the young lady from Glasgow, God’s Girl from Glasgow who said blessed is yours and I just broke down and I cried and then a couple messages later there was another young lady who brought me the prayer to Christ and I accepted and I prayed that prayer and I am in now part of the family of God. And I just want to say that your prayers were all herd and thank you everyone. And if there’s anybody out there right now who has listened to the show or listened to the podcast and has felt the need to call in and just said, “oh I’m too scared or I’m too embarrassed, break that chain right now. Don’t let the devil keep that chain anymore around you.

[joyalways98-blog]

PCOS: My story.

I began birth control at the age of fourteen. It started out with the Depo shot, which is a shot that goes into your backside and is supposed to last for up to three months. After my three months were expired, I didn’t want to get another one. I know you’re thinking that was dumb of me, but what you don’t know is within that three months I had gained weight, became irritable, and was more depressed than I was before birth control. Seven short months later I had fallen pregnant, I bet you seen that coming. Immediately after pregnancy, I got on another form of birth control, the Paraguard, a metal T that is placed inside of my vagina. I did not like that one so I got it removed and got the Nexplanon, a rod placed in my arm, that lasted for three years. As you can probably tell, I have been through it with birth controls, and I’ve done a lot of research to find if perhaps that’s the reason I suffer from PCOS.

When I was fifteen I’d gotten pregnant with my long term boyfriend, who I later married. We both wanted our children to be close in age, so when our daughter was one we began trying for another baby. I got my Nexplanon removed and was good to go. However, that was not my reality. From periods that were too short, to too heavy, periods that lasted two weeks to not at all. I didn’t think I was even ovulating. I took countless ovulation tests and not one came back positive ever. I didn’t want to see a doctor because every time I went they said I was too young to be trying for a second baby. Which is understandable, but we wanted our babies close in age. Pregnancy test after pregnancy test, we never seen that second line.

We’d been trying for over a year, and still no luck. Our daughter just turned two and I began feeling hopeless. At this point, our children would be about three years apart. I remember thinking if it doesn’t happen soon I don’t know what I would do. It ended up causing arguments between us as a couple and driving us away from each other. We were left without answers as to what was wrong. Was it him? Is he the reason I can’t get pregnant? Is it me? We just didn’t understand and it left us both frustrated, exhausted from arguing, and resentful. Which led to a divorce.

At this point, not only did I get married at 16, but I got divorced at 18. After spending hundreds of dollars on dollar pregnancy tests, I started to feel relieved but also more stressed. I began to worry how my daughter will ever have a sibling close to her age now? I had come to realization that I need to find a different man who is great for me and great with kids, so we can give her the brother or sister that all kids deserve and I’ve always wanted. Someone who is patient just in case I was actually the problem. Until then, I was back on birth control.

Finally after about a year, I had found the man of my dreams. A man who is literally everything I was looking for, great with kids, stable income, humorous, smart, honest, loyal. He was even the most handsome and attractive man I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Sounded too good to be true to me too. Lucky for me, it wasn’t.

Seven months into our relationship, we had the talk and were ready for a baby. My daughter is almost four years old at the point and my children are going to be at least five years apart. Which was fine because by now, I had given up on the close in age method. I’ve matured and became more patient. I learned to love myself more and respected the decision that something could very well be wrong with me and I am the reason I don’t have another child.

I got my birth control removed July 10, 2018. We had been trying every single day for ten months. That means I had probably taken between ten to fifteen pregnancy tests at this point. Most women take a test if they show signs or symptoms. Not me, I’ve become obsessed with wanting to see that second line. It happened so easily the first time, I wasn’t even trying. Why doesn’t it happen again? I now suspected that I’m the reason for not having a baby because even in a new relationship I’m still left struggling.

April 29, 2019 I finally seen that second line. It was one of the happiest moments in my life. It was very faint so I knew it was still very early, but I was beyond excited. I bought an expensive test plus five dollar ones just to keep seeing that second line appear. I even told my daughter who was now almost five, and she was more than excited. Everything was finally coming together and life was perfect. Just two weeks later it was Mother’s Day and we started telling our families, me about pissing myself in excitement. It was a great time in my life. Until the day after Mother’s Day. Yes, a day.

To be honest, immediately after I had that positive test I felt something was wrong. It felt different than the first time, which led me to believe that I was having a boy. But it also felt off. Something was wrong and I knew it. Because of me feeling this way, it caused unnecessary stress. I had a pain in my lower stomach just a few days after finding out and began to worry so I went to ER to get looked at. They asked how far along I was but I still didn’t know. They did a pregnancy test and it came back positive, but when they did an ultrasound they didn’t find anything. When I say anything, I don’t mean they didn’t find anything wrong, I mean they didn’t find a baby. They said not to worry, I was just barely pregnant and gave me some blood work to check my HcG levels. Not only did they not find a baby, but they also found hundreds of cysts on my ovaries. This was the day I found out I suffer from PCOS and that is why it has been so difficult to get pregnant. I really do not ovulate most of the time. It was a relief to find this information out but a worry at the same time. I told my OBGYN of this experience and their findings and she did not act like it was a cause for concern, probably to try to ease my worry. Which for a couple days, it did. We began telling family and getting excited and planning our future.

The day after Mother’s Day, I had gone to get bloodwork done to check my levels again as the doctor requested. The doctor called me and said that my numbers have dropped and they would like me to come in. That day was the first of the worst two days of my life. A doctor told me with PCOS you’re more likely to a miscarriage and he thinks that is what is happening here. In his twenty plus years experience, these pregnancies that drop in HcG levels and do not show up on ultrasounds, result in miscarriage. He also said it’s quite possible the baby is stuck in one of my Fallopian tubes and if that’s the case, I could die if it bursts. However, for me to avoid the pains of going through miscarriage, or death if that’s the case, I can have a surgery done to remove the baby and it would be quick and easy with less pain and I’d be guaranteed a life to try again. I was left feeling scared and unsure of what to do. He let me take the day to think about it and discuss it with my partner.

The very next day I was in the hospital getting my baby removed, in tears feeling lost and hopeless. This is the worst emotional pain I’ve ever felt in my life, I was losing the one thing I’ve wanted for the past three to four years. After the surgery the doctor told me they found the baby and it was not in the Fallopian tubes. That message will forever make me wonder, was the surgery necessary then? If I would have waited, would the baby have been fine? Those are some of the questions I will never get the answer to and that doesn’t sit right with me.

As much as it pained me to move on so quickly, a few weeks later we began trying again. Except this time, I know I have PCOS. I know what articles to read and maybe I can find something that will help. I began reading other people’s stories which finally gave me hope again. These people also have been struggling and it may have taken years but they finally have their bundles of joy. There was a happy ending at the bottom of each article and that’s what kept me going. I’ve gone back to the doctor to ask if there’s something we can do to help me get pregnant and they suggested birth control may help but I honestly don’t think it would work. It never helped most of the ladies in the articles, why waste my time on it?

May 2019 I began trying for pregnancy number three. It is now December 2019 and I still have no luck. I read that exercise and a PCOS diet may help but I haven’t tried it yet. I’ve spent probably a thousand dollars in pregnancy tests in my lifetime and I just want to get that happy ending that everyone else has. If you can recommend something please let me know, I’d appreciate it so much. ❤️

[sesamesaysme]

BOOKS FINISHED IN AUGUST 2019 + word cloud of their subjects

(listed in the order that I finished reading them)

Most of this month’s books were so good that I wouldn’t be surprised if half of them make end up making my Top 10 books that I read within this year. 

BAD FEMINIST by Roxane Gay / July 21, 2019 - August 1, 2019 / audiobook version / Summary - Essays exploring being a feminist while simultaneously loving things that could seem at odds with feminist ideology. / Reaction - Roxane Gay’s writing is SO RELATABLE! She allows that we may have principles we strongly support but we are human. Sometimes we find ourselves grooving to songs while knowing the lyrics are degrading or that are made by artists whose actions we don’t agree with. Sometimes we enjoy shows or movies that we know are mediocre and whose messages are flawed. Sometimes we believe in strong women but we want a man to lean on. These are the kinds of things she discusses in this collection of essays. I also previously read her book Hunger and loved that one too. I need to credit her as the writer who made me start enjoying essay collections. 

ANCILLARY JUSTICE by Ann Leckie / July 29, 2019 -  August 6, 2019 / Summary - A sci-fi book set thousands of years in the future in a time and place where the empire uses AIs to control human bodies as soldiers. First book of a trilogy. / Reaction - The reason I was drawn to reading this book is because I heard that it really makes you think about our use of binary pronouns. There are some characters in this book who do not distinguish between gender. Sometimes the same character will be referred to as she by someone and he by someone else and then she again by another person. Furthermore children are not referred to by gender. It disoriented me and I really appreciate that! Sadly that was the only aspect of the book I really liked. The world and characters felt cold to me. I couldn’t feel anything for any of them and I won’t be reading the rest of the trilogy.

SHOE DOG by Phil Knight / July 23, 2019 - August 6, 2019 / audiobook version approx. 13hrs / Summary - Memoir by Nike co-founder Phil Knight which chronicles the story of the Nike company from even before it was named Nike. / Reaction - I didn’t realize I’d be so interested in a book about how the Nike brand was developed but now I think it’s probably going to end up in my Top 10 books I read this year. How was I supposed to know that Shoe Dog would turn out to be an underdog story? In fact, you can even think of this as following the format of one of those heartwarming sports team movies or anime in which one team member after another is recruited into the fold, each with their own quirks. They meld and develop, then defeat their opponents against all odds. Phil Knight writes that these guys are all losers in some way or other, himself included, and almost none of them are athletic, yet they end up being the perfect team to build one of the top athletic brands in the world. They tackle all sorts of business-y problems with gumption and perseverance and are constantly trying to top their rivals adidas. Of course, since the author is one of the Nike owners, it is all from his POV, so you gotta be careful not to come out of reading it thinking the entire company is right in all of its actions. I’m sure there are criticisms about Nike that are still very valid. But that doesn’t take away from the book being a good read.  

CARRY ON, WARRIOR: THOUGHTS ON LIFE UNARMED by Glennon Doyle Melton / August 7, 2019 - August 10, 2019 / audiobook version approx 8hrs / Summary - Glennon Melton believes that if we stop striving to project a mirage of perfection we can get closer to people and build better lives. / Reaction - From the title alone, I thought this would be a book about gun laws! It wasn’t. It’s a nonfic by a mother who is a recovered substance abuser and now shares her struggles with friends/neighbors/readers to connect with them. I’m not a mother or a wife yet but I could still relate to many of the things she talked about. One part I particularly liked was when she described step by step how to get through your day(s). It felt like much of the advice could help anyone whether they are struggling with addiction, depression, or just having a really bad day. 

THE ARTIST’S WAY by Julia Cameron / August 7, 2019 - August 16, 2019 / Summary - An international bestseller which millions of people have found to be an invaluable guide to living the artist’s life./ Reaction - I would say this is like a textbook or workbook for how to unblock your creativity. A lot of creativity, motivation and productivity gurus these days use morning pages and this is the book from which morning pages originated. I’ve already been doing morning pages for about half a year prior to reading this so I’ve been interested in this book for awhile now. This time I borrowed it using the Libby app so I just read it without doing any of the activities. But I plan to get my own physical copy and go through the program in the book. I have a feeling this’ll turn into like a creativity bible for me that I’ll come back to over and over until it’s dog-eared and in rough condition. 

A GENTLEMAN IN MOSCOW by Amor Towles / August 15, 2019 - August 24, 2019 / audiobook version approx. 18hrs / Summary - Count Alexander Rostov is sentenced to house arrest at the grand hotel Metropol in 1922 Russia. The book then spans several decades of his life there. / Reaction - As I listened to this, it was so easy to picture everything that happened. If you like books that cover a long period of time this is a great one. Rather than trying to tell about every month and every year, the story is formed out of perfectly crafted little vignettes that represent different times in his life and they are all so charming. For example, testing out the sounds that different objects make when they are dropped from the floor above and hit the ground, or subtly helping out a young man on a first date by subtly stepping in to suggest the perfect wine that will neither bankrupt him nor make him look like a cheapskate, sneaking in ingredients to cook the perfect dish behind the back of your enemy, or trying to outsmart a 5 or 6-yr-old in a game of hiding. It’s not a particularly quick read, but it’s so freakin’ charming. And the ending turns unexpectedly thrilling as you find out if our Count makes it out of the hotel or not. 

THE COLLECTOR by John Fowles / August 16, 2019 - August 24, 2019 / Summary - A story of obsession about a young butterfly collector who kidnaps a young art student and traps her in the cellar of a house. /Reaction - I guess this would be categorized as a psychological thriller. The setup is very simple but the character development and interaction digs very deep. Essentially you take two very different people, put them in a small space together and watch the interactions. One is male, the other is female. One knows less culture (as in books, art, music etc.) while the other loves those things passionately. One has no relationship experience while the other does. At times you think, ok, this person’s motives are understandable, and at other times you find their actions incredibly disturbing. Then you start wondering what’s wrong with yourself because of those earlier moments when you found the person kinda relatable. Great read. And you can’t predict at all if the girl will survive. At least I couldn’t. 

BAD BLOOD by John Carreyrou / August 24, 2019 - August 30, 2019 / audiobook version approx 12 hrs  / Summary - Wall Street Journal writer John Carreyrou goes in depth into how it was possible for young entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes to build a multibillion-dollar biotech startup (Theranos) that deceived countless people even though its supposedly revolutionary blood-analyzing device didn’t even work. / Reaction - Man, it really makes you realize how far money and connections can get you. People were fooled and bullied so easily. Throughout the whole book I was like I can’t believe this happened and I can’t believe that happened and holy crap, they seriously got away with that? The second I finished the book I was online googling what happened to Elizabeth Holmes and apparently she’s happily engaged like nothing even happened. 

WHAT AM I READING IN SEPTEMBER?

- currently halfway done with The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith (but really JK Rowling)

- To the Bright Edge of the World by Eowyn Ivey

- Somewhere Only We Know by Maurene Goo

and the rest will just depend on what becomes available from my holds list on Libby

[sindrafalcone]

Advent Calendars

Fandom: BIGBANG/ Choi Seunghyun x reader

Synopsis: Advent Calendar surprises with Seunghyun

Warnings: Holiday fluff

Author’s Note: Taadaa! Today it’s my ultimate muses turn. :) Now we only have the maknae & the bonus drabble left! (Btw, this is NOT set in the Nannyverse. Pretty obvious once you start reading, but I just wanted you to be aware.)

Reminder  that there will be one drabble posted each Saturday until Dec. 29. It’ll be in random order, since I’m pulling them from a hat again. lol It’s fun that way!

Also, there will be reposts of last years Christmas Drabbles every Wednesday.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. This story contains fictional representations of real people. None of the events are true. This is from an American standpoint, so some of the situations may not happen the same way they might in Korea. I make no money from the writing of this fictional work.

Masterlist

Seunghyun was obsessed with Advent Calendars.

You could never wrap your brain around why your husband did them. You found them sort of pointless, because all you really had to do was look at a calendar to see how many days there were until Christmas, instead of eating a piece of chocolate every single day in December. You were pretty sure that it was just because he wanted to cheat a little on his diet. Seunghyun always used the same excuse...

"I'm getting into the Christmas spirit, _________-ah. You should too."

You would reply about how your hips were getting too wide & you didn't need the chocolate's help with that, thank you very much. Seunghyun would then reassure you that you looked fabulous just the way you were, but that's what husbands were supposed to do.

Today was different though. For once, you were happy that Seunghyun had one of those ridiculous Advent Calendar things, because it gave you the perfect idea.

You had been sick for the past couple weeks, with what you had (at first) presumed to be the stomach flu. Your entire office had gotten sick a few weeks prior, so you figured that you had caught it from one of them. But while your coworkers started to get healthy, you didn't. You shrugged it off and continued with your work projects, ignoring the way you would wake up, puking your guts out.

Seunghyun had finally managed to convince you to go to the doctor's yesterday. But he hadn't been able to go with you because of a surprise meeting with YG. You were disappointed at first... but, after the fact, you were glad your husband couldn't go. Because you ended up finding out that you, wife of none other than idol rapper TOP, was pregnant with your first child.

While at the doctor's office they did a urine test, a blood sample & an ultrasound, and you had been given fuzzy, black and white pictures of the small jelly bean now growing inside you, due on July 15th. And last night, while Seunghyun had been distracted with a phone call, you had stolen his chocolate for the following day. Then you slipped one of the ultrasound pictures inside his advent calendar. It just barely fit in the little window... all rolled up and tied off with a red ribbon.

Like usual, you got up first the next morning, and started on the coffee. You played on your phone for a little while, looking for any Christmas sales. You desperately needed to finish up the last of the shopping, still unable to find a gift for your husband of three years.

Seunghyun didn't come downstairs for almost another hour, first grabbing himself a mug of steaming hot coffee.

"Morning." he mumbled, shuffling past you and stopping on his way to his seat at the table to peck your lips.

"Morning, honey." you smiled, setting down your phone and taking a sip from your own mug with both hands.

"We really need to fix that bed, it's incredibly uncomfortable." Seunghyun groaned, running a hand through his adorably sexy bedhead. After moving in together years ago, the two of you had accidentally broken a couple slats on the bed, making the mattress dip a little towards the middle. Seunghyun grumbled that it needed to be fixed almost every morning, but nothing had changed yet.

"Maybe you're just getting old." you teased, a smirk playing on your lips.

"I'm thirty one." he deadpanned, drinking from his Mondrian mug.

"Yeah, yeah..." you playfully rolled your eyes at your husband.

"Do you want me to make you some breakfast?" Seunghyun asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Sure." you smiled, knowing he would see the advent calendar sitting on the counter if he did go and make some food.

"What would you like? French toast or pancakes?" he asked getting to his feet, quickly pressing a kiss to the top of your head before heading towards the stove.

"French toast." you hummed in response, the thought of his breakfast specialty making your heart warm and your stomach grumble. You didn't realize you were that hungry until Seunghyun mentioned his famous, homemade French toast.

"French toast it is then." he smiled & shuffled towards the stove but stopped when he saw his advent calendar sitting on the counter, just as you had predicted he would. "Wait... it's the fifteenth today, I have to eat my chocolate." he said the word 'chocolate' with a thick, French accent, his deep voice making you squirm in your seat a little. "You sure you don't want one of these? You can have my chocolate today if you want."

"No thanks, I'm good." you said, trying to keep a straight face... knowing you had already eaten your husband's chocolate for today, last night when you put the picture in.

"Suit yourself." Seunghyun shrugged as he looked for the number fifteen on the little cardboard box, quickly finding it and going to open it, ignoring the fact it was already partially open. He obviously wasn't awake enough to notice, but what he would find inside should wake him up fairly quickly. He made a confused face when all he saw was a rolled up paper with a red bow around it. "Yeobo, what is this?" he asked, pulling it out.

You bit your bottom lip, anxiously waiting to hear Seunghyun's reaction & you had turned sideways in your chair to look at him from across the kitchen.

Seunghyun unwound the red ribbon & carefully unrolled the paper, looking at the printed picture in silence for a few moments. At first, he didn't know what it was, but once he saw the doctor's name on it & looked at it more closely, he realized it was an ultrasound....and it also had your name in the corner. He had only ever seen them in movies or dramas, he'd never actually seen one for himself.

"________-ah, what's going on?" Seunghyun asked, lifting his head, a hopeful smile on his face. You just looked back at him, your face bursting into a smile and your eyes starting to water. "Are you pregnant?" he asked slowly. You covered your mouth with your hand, trying to stop the sob that welled up in your chest, and nodded slowly. Your hormones were clearly already starting to take action.

"Oh my god! Come here!" your husband yelled, dropping the picture onto the counter and rushing around the table to scoop you up in his arms, hugging you tightly to him. You laughed, wrapping your arms around his neck, crying silently. "Oh my god. Oh, _______-ah..." Seunghyun cried, petting your hair before pulling back to look at you.

"Are you really? This isn't a joke or something?" he asked, cupping your face in his massive hands. You nodded your head as best you could.

"Yeah, I am. I'm pregnant." you chuckled, your voice thick with unshed tears.

"Oh, yeobo..." Seunghyun whispered, leaning forward to press his lips against yours, breathing in through the kiss. You giggled into it, wrapping your arms around his neck again. "We're having a baby!" your husband laughed almost deliriously, once you broke apart for a real breath, foreheads pressed together.

"Yeah... we are." you chuckled, pecking his lips once more. Senghyun looked down at your bodies pressed so closely together and rested a hand over your abdomen, through your pajamas.

"How far along are you?" he asked, rubbing gently at your shirt clad belly. It wasn't a bump yet, not at eight weeks, but it didn't change the fact that there was a baby growing right under his palm, his baby... your baby.

"According to the doctor, I'm eight weeks as of yesterday." you told him, sniffling a little & trying to hold back your tears.

"I can't believe this is real." Seunghyun said quietly. He looked back up at you, his heart swelling with love. "You're so perfect. I love you so much." he said, cupping your face once more to capture your lips in another kiss.

"I love you too, Seunghyun. Merry Christmas."