#it literally took me four months to name this bitch

[heavyhitterheaux]

Bodyguard Part 2 Preview

"I sent the picture to Destinee.” You quietly said and if Joe was only mad before, he was pissed now and for good reason as he closed his eyes and threw his head back against the headboard.

“I…. You know her ass can't keep her fucking mouth shut and she is the biggest bitch who is jealous of you. I don't understand WHY you can't see that! She is NOT your friend! I don't usually call women out of their names, but I literally despise her. And now look what happened.” Joe had put his phone back on the nightstand and was now staring straight ahead not wanting to even look at you.

“Baby…”

“No, do not ‘baby’ me right now. I don't know who I'm more pissed off with; you or Destinee. But then again you are both neck and neck so might as well call it a tie.” He told you as he brushed a hand through his hair and let out a deep sigh at the same time.

Daughter Preview

“So, this was your plan all along? To trap me?” Joe asked you and the expression that appeared on your face was unreadable.

It took everything in you to not cuss him out right then and there.

“Hmm funny. You're the one who didn't bother to wear a condom the last time we had sex.” Was your response as you crossed your arms over your chest.

“What's also funny is that you said you were okay with it. I obviously wouldn't have done it if you weren't. So it just so happens I sign the biggest contract for a quarterback in NFL history and suddenly my girlfriend of four months is now pregnant?”

[papermint-airplane]

I'm really not doing well guys. Tl;dr my life sucks a lot. That's all you need to know.

My job is still jerking us around on the layoffs. They started in October of last year with "we're selling the department and laying everyone off in February" then when March rolled around and nothing had happened yet, told everyone "lol just kidding the buyer dropped out". So a lot of people quit because this clown company just told everyone it was willing to sell their jobs out from under them and didn't give a shit who was affected or how.

My job is not a job that can function when short staffed. It was already short staffed before they pulled this fakeout layoff shit and now we're lucky to have two people scheduled at any given time. They're paying thousands in overtime, begging people to come in even for a couple of hours on their days off because we don't have enough people to cover one shift, let alone the three they need because the department is 24/7. Customers are rude and entitled. I've been threatened, I've been called horrible names, I've been told I'm a shit human being and don't deserve to live. I'm not allowed to hang up on them. I'm expected to sit there and just take it and not say anything. Most days, we're so busy that I can't take my daily fifteen minute break or even get up to go to the bathroom. And that's only scratching the surface of what goes on at my job.

I have had a history of overworking myself in that job and everyone knows it. I've had literally hundreds of public panic attacks, three full-on mental breakdowns where I was screaming and literally tearing handfuls of my hair out in front of my coworkers from stress, ended up in the hospital twice because I thought I was having a heart attack, and took off three months in 2020 to check myself into an inpatient mental healthcare facility all the way across the country. I have had countless meetings with my supervisors and their supervisors and HR about the toxic work environment and shitty management. I had to beg them to take me off my 8 day rotation (four days of ten hour shifts, four days of eight hour shifts, all in succession with no days off in between) because I started shaking and laughing uncontrollably around day 6 because I was having a literal fucking breakdown. I have literally had to be taken away from work in an ambulance before.

On top of my anxiety being the worst it's ever been (and that includes when I lived with my abusive father), my depression has gotten so bad that all I can do nowadays is work and sleep. Sometimes I don't even get fully in the house before I pass out because I'm so exhausted. I have woken up on my living room floor after work more than once. I told them that I could no longer work shifts like that nor could I take overtime for my own mental health. And they still act like I'm lazy because I don't work 14 hour shifts daily. Bitch, I'm barely holding it together with my weekly 40 hours, and I'm expected to work every Thanksgiving and Christmas but that's just not enough. Nothing I do is enough. And now I don't even have enough energy for the few things I have that I still enjoy. Want to know why my Sims story is on hiatus? Because I have to force myself to do literally anything other than sleep. My house looks like a disgusting hoarder's nest because I can barely move on my days off. I cry all the time. I can't stand to be touched. I shower excessively because I feel filthy when I come home from work in a way I can't adequately articulate. My eczema is so bad that my neck and face are literally covered in bloody red rashes. I look horrible. I feel worse. I have gained over 150 lbs since starting that job in 2006. My thyroid is busted. Some days, I truly believe that I died long ago and this is my own personal Hell.

Now they're telling us that "we definitely have a buyer for the department and all the contracts have been signed". They said there'd be a transition period, after which we'd be laid off but we'd be told when the transition period begins. Now, we got an email telling us we're halfway through the transition period and are probably getting laid off in August "but we don't know when in August, so stay tuned." At this rate, I'm likely to show up one day and be told to go home. I have no idea when that will be and I have no way to know how to prepare.

The only reason I'm still putting up with this bullshit is because...well, to be honest, I've put in a lot of applications and got absolutely no replies. I'm an unemployable useless sack of shit. My company is at least giving us a really good severance package. I'm getting 17 weeks of pay (one week for every year I've worked there) plus another four weeks of pay, plus a $1000 bonus for staying through the transition period. I think I will also qualify for unemployment. I'm trying not to freak out but I don't know what I'm going to do when my severance runs out. I have only had two jobs in my entire life: a grocery store job when I was a teenager for 3 years and this job that I've had for nearly 18 years. My resumé is one page. I have no skills outside of this job. I'm never going to get hired anywhere that's going to pay me anywhere near what this hellhole of a job paid me.

I truly wish I were brave enough to kill myself but I'm not. I keep living and it keeps getting worse and I'm bombarded with hundreds of news articles and Tumblr posts every day telling me how the world is falling apart around me, so even if by some miracle I manage to find a job that pays me enough to fucking live, I don't have a future anyway. I'm almost 40 and I keep waiting for my life to begin but it never does. And it never will. I will never be happy. I will never be safe. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve safety. My own fucking parents hated me from the moment my mom read the lines on her pregnancy test. If my own parents can't love me, nobody can. I'm on medication and in therapy but sometimes, I wonder if it's doing anything at all. You can't fix what's wrong with me. I was just born wrong. And no matter where I go or what kind of job I end up in, the same shit will just keep repeating over and over and over because that's all I deserve. I'll just keep on hurting until global warming or war takes me out and I end up in real Hell.

In an hour, I'm going to regret writing any of this and probably delete this post. Because I'm supposed to take it and not say anything.

My Sims are the only thing that gives me any comfort anymore. Even then, I don't have the energy or attention span to do the things I want. I'm just as irrelevant on Simblr as I am in real life. If I disappeared tomorrow, nobody would notice.

[scalproie]

Literally watched all of S2 last night and I dont feel like doing individual reactions sooo

All of S1:E26 was me pointing at gay people on my screen and going "hey thats from the little dark age amv"

The orion pax arc is still literally so funny. Later episodes show that there was NO REASON to keep optimus/orion alive bc soundwave and THE FUCKING SHIP can also decode the locations of the mcguffins, megatron literally couldve won the war here and there what the hell. it took meg all of 0.5 seconds after he heard his former boytoy utter his name to try and find excuses to keep him around. Also making him call you "my lord"? I Know What You Are.

And apparently optimus/orion stayed on the nemesis for two months which is crazy to me bc megatron cannot improvise to save his fucking life what do you MEAN warlord ratchet??? YOU HAVE ULTRA MAGNUS IN YOUR FILES

It was funny tho bc meg heard ratchet say "I am your doctor of doom" and thought Hey thats pretty good and then make a callback to that when telling optimus/orion ratchet is evil incarnate

Extra hilarious to me that it partially ended bc starscream went to the nemesis to raid the fridge. [Megatron voice] this plane does nothing but ruin my life

The episodes where they send arcee and jin kazama to cybertron was pretty cool i did like the vibe it really felt alien ruins-like

You can tell the experience fucked optimus a little bc first episode after the season opening and peepaw is ready to consider warcrimes

Next was the "bumblebee gets his kidney stolen" arc and I have nothing to say other than it was funny when of course it ends in starscream getting his kidney stolen

Ok I do have some stuff to say actually, we trash on the cons a lot bc theyre disloyal assholes, but when a bot is told to stay at the base for valid reasons, they bitch and moan and end up disobeying anyway and never get punished severely by peepaw optimus bc them not following orders ALWAYS works in their favor

Megatron goes "Nu-uh-uh!" in S2:E5

Im always just so happy when meg is on screen ngl he is such a massive asshole bastard🩶

Dreadwing's cool I like how he just has a fucking flip phone to dramatically blow shit up

Everytime I see wheeljack im like oh god if the show has been made just a few years later he wouldve been drift

I FORGOT HOW QUICKLY BREAKDOWN DIED fanon will really build a castle out of 4 twigs huh. and the castle sucks ass anyway

Airachnid slayed and she was gone too soon

They lowballed megatron so hard in the episode where he was struggling against one (1) insecticon BUT. he was sexy in this ep. To me. Not to optimus anymore😔

Nemesis prime was well-introduced in the show but this is hysterical to me that THIS is the show that has the "evil double of optimus" concept

Every episode with starscream after he loses his cog is excellent and you have no idea how much it pains me to admit that

S2:E10-E11 is just megatron and the gang having the weirdest fucking day and it might be my fav eps. I think I just love watching the cons do shit. Megatron killed starscream four times, fought an army of bugs and then gave drugs to his ship

Knockout and megatron's banter is surprisingly always very entertaining. I think meg just like bouncing off of a little jester

The four relics episode are kinda whatever BUT they did gave us the one (1) soundwave focused episode and whaddayaknow he was extremely sexy and competent and it was funny to see him being treated like megatron's special boy&bird

Also bulkhead continue to have plot armor thicker than the apex armor like come on in every single one of his episodes he comes just this close to death

SHOOOOOOOOOCKWAAAAAAAAAVE

I was waiting to see smokescreen's episodes before judging but now that I did I can safely say *drops to my knees sobbing* IT SHOULD BEEN HOT RODDDDDDDDD

At least his friendship with jin kazama was cute, like that "green for go" was cute

Silas ditching his highly competent human crew to sucker up to megatron really felt like they had no idea what to do with his character anymore bc what??? Like okay you remove a third faction to focus more on the main ones but still

I fucking love S2:E20 bc 1) just throw some more mystical stuff at optimus like go full arthurian stories now, 2) lots of megatron action and 3) "drop the mountain on him"

I know its likely an animation lighting thing and optimus simply could not be based like that in the first place but conceptually it is absolutely hysterical to me that after slicing effortlessly a mountain in half, making megatron look like THIS

Optimus then look straight up at the camera and fucking winks at him

And then immediately after that, megatron going "decepticons, we are so fucked."

And THEN next episode is literally "MEGATRON YOU CRAZY BITCH" like come dreadwing lets desecrate a demigod's tomb

He fucking sucks at naming stuff tho bc dark star saber??? Come on man

The rest of the omega keys episodes are also whatever but fucking hell if the whole Peter Cullen speaking in slow motion and Steve Blum mimicking that didnt get to me hard

The last starscream episode tho? Screamer cringe compilation while hes having the worst job interview of his life, of course i loved it

MEGATRON NOOO YOU KILLED THE WRONG PLANE

But again, hilarious that for the season finale megatron went "alright guys no more fucking around" and they basically won. That one moment where meg, screamer, KO all laughing maniacally together with soundwave just shaking in silent laughter with them was really funny. Only shocky is missing for the decepticon high command reunion

I really liked the moment where raf, miko and jin kazama were like "the autobots are ready to sacrifice their life for our planet, im ready to do the same for theirs" idk thats really brave and it struck me

Optimus chopping megatron's arm was really fucking cold

SILVER ERADICONSSSSSS

They blew up the autobot base like the white house in shadow the hedgehog

Overall, a lot of my favorite episodes are in this season so👍 #megatronsweep

[fuck-customers]

I lost my cool and legit yelled at a customer today, for the first time in maybe ever (been in retail 6.5 years now). And I’m not even gonna get in trouble because my manager’s amazing.

So first some background: five months ago, corporate took out 6/8 of our registers and gave us 4 self-checkouts (henceforth abbreviated to SCO), leaving us with only two real registers. Also, today I had about five full carriages worth of clearance to put price stickers on as a side task.

So this lady comes up with her kid (kid never said a word, I pass no judgement on her) and says “what, are there no registers open?” but dripping with attitude, a running theme throughout everything she says to me. I’m busy with the clearance, so trying to gently direct people to use SCO so I can keep working on that, so I say “if you’re using SCO, there are four” because no one else was up front. She’s like “where’s the SCO?” and I say “the big white things” and point to the one directly in front of her. Then it’s “I didn’t know you had SCO” “that’s why we’ve got the signs up there” and point to the signs above her head.

And now I guess I’ve pissed her off for not apologizing because she can’t be bothered to use her eyes and brain together. She starts telling me I have a DiSgUsTiNg attitude, and that I seem miserable. Which is when I start yelling, that I AM miserable because I’m SICK. (I always wear a fabric mask at work, but I double-masked today, wearing a medical-grade one under the fabric mask.)

So then she starts going on about how I should be home if I’m sick, and I tell her I have been all week but no one could cover this shift for me (I’m also mostly better now, just occasionally coughing up the leftover junk in my lungs). And she doesn’t wanna hear it, because god forbid I be an actual person and not a retail robot.

(I don’t do well with confrontation, so by this point I’m physically shaking.)

So then she wants a manager. So on the walkie talkie I’m like “[Store Leader] I need you at the front Right Now”. She’s great, all the managers are great, so she hurries up front and takes over. The lady’s now saying she has cash and can’t use the SCO (never mentioning cash before that). So S takes her on a real register while I keep tagging the clearance. And the lady’s telling her my attitude was DiSgUsTiNg, like actually emphasizing it in a way even S was making fun of after. And saying her daughter shouldn’t have to see that on her birthday. (My brain when I heard that: Bitch, you’re the one who STARTED all this by being a cunt for no fucking reason).

But so S finishes up and gets her out, and by then two other managers, L and B, had come up to see what was happening, because they’d heard my yelling and my plea for S to come up right away. As S was ringing the lady up, she asked for my name, which S did give her, but when she and I were telling L and B about what had happened, S said “yeah if she complains to the district manager it’s whatever, he always checks with me about employee complaints”. And S straight up said that if he does call to check about a complaint, she’ll say “oh that’s so weird, OP’s one of my friendliest cashiers [true, my name literally means happy and I am quite the embodiment of it], I can’t imagine she’d do something like that”.

I very much do not recommend trying this course of action, but damn does it feel amazing to be so well backed up by my managers ❤️

Posted by admin Rodney.

[scribble-scrabbles]

Writing Prompt - A Blind Date

My phone buzzed on the comforter beside me. I shot it a glare, hoping to frighten it into silence, then curled tighter under my blanket and refocused on my latest true crime drama obsession. A few moments passed and I relaxed, thankful for the reprieve. It was my only day off between two long stretches in the Emergency Department, and I would be damned if I spoke to anyone today. In fact, I may not even leave this bed. 

Bzzt bzzt. My phone echoed a few minutes later. 

I studiously ignored it again. Another minute passed.

Bzzt bzzt. A few second pause. Bzzt bzzt. Followed nearly instantly by another buzz. I growled and reached for it. 

“This had better be good.” I told the tiny, plastic monster. 

An alert for four unread text messages from Val Spencer, my best friend from work, sat on my home screen. The phone buzzed once more in my hands, bumping the total up to five. I rolled my eyes as I flicked through the text messages.

Hey, are u up?

I’m kind of in a bind and I need your help. 

Are you ignoring me?

Bitch?

It will be fun!

I snorted and considered ignoring her further, but the phone buzzed with a call this time. 

“Go away.” I groaned in greeting.

“Oh shut up, you don’t mean that.” Val said, using her perky voice. “Have you been ignoring me?”

“Yes.”

“Bitch!”

“Yes, now you’re mad at me and you’re going to leave me alone right?”

“Yeah absolutely not, I need you.”

“No one needs me today.”

“Look, I know you just worked a bunch in a row but…” Val trailed off, obviously knowing this was going to be a hard sell.

“And you know I work a bunch more starting tomorrow….” I mimicked her tone.

“I know, I know, and I will owe you a massive favor.” Val said hastily.

“Pretty sure you already owe me one or two of those.” 

“Pretty sure that goes both ways, sister.” She snarked. “Listen, Tyler and I had a double date planned tonight with his best friend and Nikki backed out on me last minute.”

“Absolutely not.” I nearly hung up the phone right there.

“But it’s for a concert I have been dying to see for months! She got Covid, it’s not like I can tell her to suck it up.” 

“Tell someone else to suck it up, Valencia.” I emphasized her full name to let her know I was serious. “ I literally cannot. I don’t think I can even force myself out of bed.  I just pulled three twelve-hour shifts and yesterday was absolute hell. I’m staring down four more on the other side of today, and I just can’t.” “Mikayla Reynolds, I need you! If I can’t get anyone else to come on this date then Tyler is making me cancel the whole thing.” Her voice was earnest now. “I have been wanting to see these guys  in concert for as long as I can remember and this is the first time they have ever come close to this shit-hole town. The only reason Ty agreed to go was so we could try to fix up his friend, and if I don’t find someone he’s going to refuse to go at all. I’ve called six other people already this morning, and you’re my last hope.” She paused and took a deep breath. “Please?”

The earnest need in her tone finally cracked me. 

“Where am I going, when do I need to be there, and what am I wearing?” I sighed, dramatically. Val squealed in delight and started giving me instructions. 

We were meeting at 6 at a restaurant a few blocks away from the theater where the band was playing downtown. It was a typical rock concert and the restaurant was casual enough, so at least I wouldn’t have to try and be fancy. I swung my legs off the bed and then sat for a moment with my head in my hands. I hadn’t been exaggerating, I was absolutely bushed both mentally and physically. Yesterday had been critical patient after critical patient, and absolutely nothing had gone my way. We had lost a young patient, which was always hard on the entire department, but I had also had to deliver some really bad news to several really nice people over the past few days. The level of bad juju had been substantially greater than normal, and it had taken a toll.  I needed the mental break and the emotional break. But, I supposed I just had to put on my armor for one more day and pack the exhaustion away for another day. 

Still, it took a few moments to shift my mindset from “borderline panic attack” to “let’s just get through this” - which was longer than I typically needed  to ground myself.  I tried not to think about the last few days or the days to come, and instead focused on the possibility of actually having fun, which felt improbable but perhaps not impossible. 

“So much for a relaxing day to recharge.” I grumbled, putting my phone on  the nightstand - and got to work. 

*****************************

At 5:45, I pulled into a parking deck about halfway between the restaurant and the concert venue. I checked my makeup quickly in the rearview mirror, reapplying some light lip gloss before getting out and gathering my purse and texting Val that I had parked.. I walked the two blocks to the restaurant, which turned out to be somewhere between an actual restaurant and a sports bar.  At least it was casual. 

Val met me at the door with an enormous hug. I was happy to see we had dressed similarly in jeans, a logo tee, and a light jacket against the fall breeze. Her blonde hair was flowing in ringlets down her back, and I tried not to get my fingers tangled in the long stands as I extricated myself from her grasp. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She chanted. “I promise, I’ll make this up to you.”

“Doubtful.” I grumbled. “But, it’s good to see you happy.” 

“Well, let’s see how you like Jake, shall we?” Val said with a wicked glint in her eyes that made me wonder if she really had called six other people before me. She slid her arm through mine and began leading me towards the back of the restaurant. “You know I don’t like anybody but you, kid.”  I smirked at her and patted her hand on my arm. 

“Alright, Mikah, meet Jake, Ty’s best friend from college. He’s a computer-something at the engineering firm where Ty works.” Val had stopped in front of a dimly lit table in the back corner of the restaurant. She gestured at a vaguely masculine looking figure that was mostly hidden in the shadows of the table. “Jake, meet Mikah, my best friend and the best damn physician assistant in  our emergency department.” 

The figure stood then, extending his hand and stepping into the light so that his features were finally illuminated. My breath caught in my chest as I took in his tawny hair, stylish black plastic glasses, and soulful brown eyes. Eyes that were uncomfortably familiar, and looked equally startled to see me. I stared at him for a beat too long before recovering and taking his hand to shake. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” I said, hating the strain in my voice. Val nudged me with her elbow and smiled reassuringly, taking my moment of pause to mean attraction and not recognition. He gestured to the seat beside him and I joined him in the shadows, which I welcomed in the moment.  As we sat, he squeezed my arm. When I glanced at him he shook his head ever so slightly, and I took his meaning immediately. They don’t know. 

My heart slammed in my chest as the last few days came rushing back. My brain froze for a few moments, replaying the last time I had seen him with his jaw set determinedly in the ER, masking any emotion that may have tried to surface. I was mentally stuck in that last conversation, paralyzed with what to do now that a person I never should have seen again was suddenly here. What had it been, two days ago? Three? They all ran together after a while. 

He squeezed my arm again, snapping me back to the present. My mind raced, catching up to the present and realizing all over again that he hadn’t told anyone he had been to the ER, much less what he had learned. My heart ached and a rush of emotion suddenly lodged in my throat. He was here and also didn’t want to be - didn’t need to be - and he was begging me to play this cool. I looked back at him, barely able to make out his eyes and gave him a quick nod of understanding. I flipped my arm over and gripped his from beneath and returned the squeeze, before dropping it. Your secret is safe with me. 

Technically, his secret had to be safe with me. He had been my patient, and it would be breaking a federal law for me to say anything.

But, then it struck me, shouldn’t his friends know so they could be there for him in the coming days and weeks? Didn’t I also have an obligation to Val and Ty?

I glanced back at him and saw his eyes still on me. My vision had adjusted some and I could now make out the tight crease of his brows and set of his jaw. He was terrified and I alone had the power to put him out of his misery. 

“Earth to Mikah.” Val kicked me underneath the table, snapping me back to the moment. I looked across the table and was relieved to see that the shadows obscured most of her and Ty’s faces. I hoped that meant ours were as well. “Are you listening to a word I’m saying?”

“Do I ever listen to a word you say?” I snarked, returning her kick playfully.

“Well, that’s true.” “Besides, I’m exhausted and you drug me out into public anyway.” I grumbled. “I’m sorry, Jake, I may not be the best companion tonight.” 

“Hey, anybody who gives it back to Val is already top marks in my book.” He said, all traces of worry removed from his brow.

“Yeah, we’ll get along fine then.” 

“Anyway, what were you saying, bossypants?” I returned to Val. “I was asking if you knew anything about this band.” 

“Of course I know this band, I play them in the doc box all the time. It’s one of Johnson’s favorite playlists.” I said, referring to the dictation area where I sat with an attending physician during our shifts. It was a little removed from the nursing station, which allowed us to play music and have more discreet conversations without being overheard by patients.  Johnson was one of our younger attendings who worked way too many hours and ran on caffeine and sarcasm - which basically made him my twin.

“Oh God, you don’t think he’s coming do you?” Val said, sounding stricken. 

“Pretty sure he’s working.” 

“Oh thank God.” She said with a sigh of relief. “What’s so bad about him?” Jake asked.

“He’s an asshole.” Val said.

“He’s just surly.” I defended him. “He’s really not bad one-on-one. I think he might be fun at a concert.” 

“Well, I’m glad we don’t have to find out tonight.” “Do we have to talk about y’alls work?” Ty grumbled. “Do we have anything else to talk about?” I quipped. Ty was not my favorite person, but I tolerated him because Val loved him and he was good to her. 

“We could talk about our work.” Jake suggested. “No thanks, I don’t want to take a nap and miss the concert.” Val laughed.

“Same.” Ty said. “So, Jake, why don’t you tell Mikah a little more about yourself.” 

“You don’t have to drive the conversation, Ty, this isn’t a dating show.” Val scoffed. “We can talk about whatever we want.” 

“We could always talk about all the ways Ty is an asshole. That’s always fun.” I said, gleefully.

Unfortunately, Ty was rescued by the arrival of our waitress. “Is this everybody?” She asked.

“Yes.” Said Val and Ty in unison. “Okay great! My name’s Jess and I’ll be serving you tonight. What can I get you guys to drink?” “Water.” I said. “Can you tell me what’s on tap?” Ty asked, and I stopped paying attention to the conversation after that. I glanced at Jake out of the corner of my eye and saw him studying the menu. His finger tapped restlessly against the plastic and I could see his knee bouncing just a little bit, but his face was a mask of indifference. He was definitely as nervous as I felt. I took a breath and forced my own leg to still. While it was difficult to see details in the low lighting, I noted the pallor of his skin and the slightly increased rate of breathing. I wondered if Val had noticed, but I doubted anyone would at this stage, unless they knew to look. 

My mind whirled back to the moment I saw the results of his CT scan. My heart dropped and I had retreated to the “panic room” part of my brain, where I only go when it’s bad. I’m not allowed to feel anything in there, so all of my decisions become purely clinical. I cannot care for a patient if my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces like a normal human - none of us can in emergency medicine. If we let ourselves feel everything we should feel for every single patient, we couldn’t function. All of that hurt and pain had to go somewhere. Still, it was hard to do, especially with someone my own age. 

I had made a few phone calls, ensuring there was a plan of action - either admitting him to the hospital or rapid follow up after discharge. No one would admit him, but they did agree to follow up the next day in their office. I had taken a few moments in the empty dictation room to organize my thoughts and steel myself before going in to deliver  the news. “I know what’s wrong with you.” I had said, taking a seat next to the bed. Jake was sitting on the bed, scrolling through his phone, but utterly alone, as he had been throughout the entire visit. When I spoke, he must have sensed my demeanor, because he immediately put down the phone and gave me all of his attention. “Well, that’s good.” He said, trying for some levity. “I already have a follow up arranged for you, and I’ve made sure it’s written down for you so you know where to go and when.” I said, not wanting to dodge the subject, but knowing that once I said it, he wouldn’t remember anything after the diagnosis. I had to get that in first, or else risk him forgetting. “What is it?” He asked, his hands now fidgeting in his lap. I took one last deep breath. “There’s a large tumor in your colon.” I said, voice shaking just a little bit. “It’s very concerning for cancer.” My voice steadied after a beat. “There are also several spots on your liver that are very concerning.”

His hands fell still, and I saw his eyes glass over just a little bit as he took it in. His mind was retreating, panic was threatening to set in, and I had to get in the rest while he could understand it.

“I have a follow up scheduled with oncology tomorrow morning at 9 am. I’m sorry, I tried for today but  they were booked. I also have a follow up scheduled with gastroenterology the next day, and the general surgery the day after that. It’s all written down for you, including phone numbers and addresses. Make sure you give them to whoever is going to be helping you, so they can help you keep up with it all.” 

He nodded, numbly. I knew I had already lost him, but I had to say the rest. “Try to get a planner and a binder so you can keep all the appointments and follow ups in one place. It’s also handy to have all of your paperwork printed and with you, just in case the doctors aren’t talking. I printed out your labs and imaging reports from today and put them with your paperwork, so you can have them.  It’s a whole lot of information very quickly, and having it printed to help you remember is critical so you don’t miss appointments and so you can be sure you get everything you need.”  I paused, and he nodded again. “Is there someone I can call for you?” I asked, tentatively.

“Um, no.” He shook himself a little, coming out of his stupor just a little. “No, that’s not necessary.”

I hesitated a few moments, giving him some time to think. “I have to go get the rest of your paperwork together. I know this is alot right now, so I will come back in a few minutes to answer any questions that I can. I’m not an oncologist, so I may not be able to answer all of your questions, but I will do my best. Just know that whatever the oncologist says tomorrow is probably more accurate than anything I tell you today.”

I sat with him in silence for a few moments as he stared at nothing, eyes unfocused. I knew that look, and I hated it when I had caused it. “I’m so sorry.” I said, and heard the wobble come into my voice just a little bit. I slammed shut the cracks in the panic room in my mind, caging the sorrow before it could leak out and make a mess of everything. “I wish I had better news.” I wanted to tell him that he was young and healthy and give him some sort of hope, but I also didn’t want to lie to him. Metastatic colon cancer at 38 was bad news, no matter how healthy they were otherwise.

I stood up and moved to leave the room. “I will be back in a few minutes. Please let us know if we can do anything for you in the meantime.”

I left the room to find his nurse hovering outside his door. She started following me back to the doc box on the other end of the department. “Fuck.” said Katie. “Just…” she paused, then said with more emphasis. “Fuck.”

“Yeah.” I said, twisting my lips into a sad smile. “Yeah, it’s bad.” I sat in my chair and put my hands over my head. “It’s really bad.” “What stage?” She asked, chewing on a fingernail. “Optimistically? Stage 3.” I said with a sigh. “But, realistically, probably stage 4.” 

“So he’s gonna die.” She said flatly. 

“We’re all gonna die eventually, Katie.” I said, smirking but rapidly sobering. “But yes, he’s probably dying more quickly than he should.” 

“Fuck.” She said again. “Yeah, that’s pretty much the only word for it.” 

“Only word for what?” asked Dr. Williams, strolling in with a chart in hand and taking his seat next to me. “My 38-year-old with stage 3 or 4 colon cancer.”  I said with a sigh, twirling my chair back to my computer. He put down the chart and turned to stare at me somberly. 

“Fuck.” He said.

“See?!” Katie said, gleefully, then sobered. “So what’s the plan?” 

“I have to finish his discharge paperwork, but I have all of his follow ups scheduled for the next three days.” I said, handing her a pile of paperwork with a note on the top that listed times, dates, phone numbers, and addresses of the clinics he needed to visit. “When I finish, I’m going to go back in and see if he has any questions.” “How did he take it?” She asked.

“Stoically.” I said, honestly. “He just stared off into space. I asked if we could call anyone for him and he said no. He’s been alone this whole time too, unless you saw someone I didn’t.” She shook her head in response. “Well, then I guess he’s taking it alone.” 

“He’s going to need someone to help him.” Williams said, alreadying clicking away on his computer. 

“Hopefully he has someone and they just couldn’t be here today.” I said with a shrug. I couldn’t let myself worry about that. Except now, it seemed, I did have to worry about that. Because he sat beside me now, anxious and probably overwhelmed. I bet he hadn’t told anyone about anything yet, and so he was taking all of this alone. The emotions that I had kept in the panic box pounded at the door, but I fought them back down. I still had three more shifts to get through before I could let them out. I couldn’t risk an emotional melt-down in the meanwhile. I needed to speak to him alone, soon. I glanced around the restaurant, looking for an excuse. I saw a sign for the restrooms pointing in the opposite direction from our table and thought that was as good of an excuse as any. I tried to make eye contact with Jake, but he was very purposefully ignoring me, looking at the menu that he was now gripping with white knuckles. I tapped his foot under the table and cleared my throat. Val and Ty stopped talking to look at me. Jake turned to look at me. “I’m going to run to the bathroom.” I said, scooting out from my chair and gesturing to the sign. 

I was walking away when I heard Jake say, “Actually, I think I need to go too.”

Subtle, kid. Real subtle. I thought.

I followed the signs around a corner and into a narrow corridor that passed around the kitchen. We would be well hidden back there. I only had to wait a moment until Jake found me. As he rounded the corner, I was struck by how young he looked and how healthy, despite being somewhat pale. The sharp outline of his glasses accentuated his deep brown eyes, which I realized had some small flecks of green in them, as he grew near.

“Jesus Christ, I am so sorry.” I said in a rush, as soon as he was within ear shot. “I can make an excuse and get out of here as soon as possible. I know I am the last person on the planet you want to see again.” 

He stopped and cocked an eyebrow at me. 

“Why wouldn’t I want to see you again?” He seemed genuinely confused, and for a moment I was afraid I had confused him with another patient.

“Um,” I was taken aback. “Well, I don’t think I’d want to see the person who told me I have…” I looked around quickly and dropped my voice to a whisper, “cancer.” 

“It’s not like it’s your fault.” He said, leaning back against the wall across from me. “You just happened to be the one that found it.”

“Oh.” I stammered, then recovered. “You just looked like a deer in the headlights when you saw me.” “I could say the same about you.” He countered. I shrugged. We were both quiet for a moment, before he said in a voice so soft it was difficult to hear, “Nobody knows but you.” 

I stared at him for a moment. “Wait, nobody as in ‘not a single person’ or nobody as in not Val and Ty?”

“Nobody as in nobody.” He said, returning my stare. “And I intend to keep it that way.”

“What?!” My question turned into more of a squawk.

“Nobody needs to know. This is my problem. I don’t want to bring anybody else down with it.”

“You don’t want to…”I began, then shut my mouth. Where did I even begin here? “Jake, this is a lot. You can’t hide  this from everyone forever.” I paused again, and tried to choose my next words carefully. He must be in denial. “You don’t need to do this alone.” 

“But, I do.” 

“No, I mean, you can’t do this alone. It’s too much for any one person. You need a team, a support system. Didn’t oncology talk about this?” I asked, flabbergasted. “They did, and I told them I would think about it.” He held up a hand before I could speak again. “But this is my fight and I get to choose who I tell and when.” I paused and really looked at him then. His jaw was set, muscles twitching and his hands were fists at his sides. It struck me then that this was a type of coping mechanism. Everything that happened here was out of his control - except this. And now I was here to threaten taking that control away even further. I deflated.

“I won’t tell anyone,” I said, meeting his eyes. “I promise.” 

He pursed his lips and nodded. “Thank you.” 

“We should get back before they get more suspicious.” I said. “Val is already going to know something is up, so I’ll just tell her you and I had met at a party for my ex boyfriend a few years ago.” 

“Yeah, except I don’t really do parties.”

“Well shit, me neither.” There was another beat of silence. “Any ideas?”

He crossed his arms across his chest and tapped his finger on his watch, thinking.

“How about a half truth?” He finally said. I cocked an eyebrow at him. “As in, I met you in the hospital a few days ago when I was there with my sick aunt.” 

“Yeah, but then Val is going to pepper you with questions about your aunt.”

“Well, I actually have a sick aunt, so that should be easy to answer.” 

“Oh.” I paused, then nodded. “That…could actually work.” 

He smirked at me then, and it struck me that he was actually quite handsome. That turn of his lips caused the corner of his eyes to crinkle, and his eyes sparked with mischief. “I’m good at stories.” He said with a shrug. “You mean you’re a good liar?” I quipped, smirking back. “Guess I had better watch out then.” 

“I don’t make a habit of it, if that’s what you mean. But when I do lie, I know how to be convincing.” We turned and started to walk back to the table together. There was no sense in hiding that we knew each other.  But before we cleared the corridor, I caught his arm and pulled him to stop.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I asked, searching his eyes. “Because I really don’t mind leaving. I get it.”

“No.” He said, and actually smiled at me, the crinkle returning to his eyes. “No, I’m honestly kind of relieved to have someone who knows.” The smile faded. “I guess that means I’m not completely alone.” 

I smiled then. “No, I guess you’re not.”

And with that we returned to our table to begin our blind date. 

[ayearofgoodfate]

i’m staying awake making sure my roommate doesn’t start showing od symptoms. we tend to take things too far. i have my hell day later and it’s all i can do not to fall asleep but i miss my parents house even though they didn’t always know how to be parents and i miss my little brother and sister and my dog and my bookshelf and the wall i would tape up magazine articles and photos to whenever i got sad. and i think that college fucks you up a little bit. there is so much love here. there’s also so much trauma.

when i was about nine my dad decided that he and i were going to read every single book in the middle grade section of the library. my dad had a lot of passion and not a lot of ways to harness it so every saturday he would drive me to the library and he had this old grey car that he could never tame enough to follow the speed limit. and we’d just spend hours there. my dad never talked to me a lot, we never had conversations that weren’t in a group setting. he never told me things or asked me questions but i was a talker so he learned what would work to work around that. he read to me. he’d always read to me. we’d knock out a book or two in the library, literally just sitting there for four hours straight on the old blue carpet while he’d make up voices for the characters, then we’d take about twelve more books home for the week. I’d read most of them on my own, but we’d go through one or two together throughout the week before bed. when we left the library he’d always buy girl scout cookies in quarters from whoever was outside the library selling. we’d eat the whole box. dad never made it feel like we had less than. he never ever told me that we were as poor as we were. he has done a lot of things but i will love him for that forever. i will always defend my dad.

we stopped reading together after a while. he got tired or i got old and he’d joined the church and my siblings weren’t babies and suddenly there were littler kids that needed reading time too. we didn’t finish the entire middle grade section of the library. i don’t think we even made it halfway. i don’t think dad has gone to the library since. the last book we read, we didn’t finish, and i was a bitch about it. it was this big collection of science fiction short stories and the girls in my class had been telling me that stuff was for boys and i simply wasn’t having it. dad wouldn’t have that. every book is every book, so we trudged.

i got really sick that fall. i slept for days straight. my parents couldn’t afford doctors and probably wouldn’t have taken me anyway but dad was really good at taking care of sick people. he’d sit there and watch me breathe and make me mac and cheese and read to me and i’d be half asleep. this one story was about solipsism. i was delirious, drifting in and out of his voice, letting the idea of me being the only real person in the world marinate in my mind. i woke up three days later like i’d never been sick. i needed to read that story again because i needed to know it existed because, mainly, i needed to know that dad did and mom did and baby sister and brother and my friends and the book was gone.

i looked for it for years in different libraries. big. silver. i resigned myself to the fact that it was a fever dream and then like magic it popped up on the library shelves again. i took it out and renewed it for months on end and drew in it with the invisible ink pen I stole from office depot’s back to school sale. i marked it with my name and annotated it with notes on how dad read it when i was little and it was mine until it was overdue. years later i bought a used copy i found at a yard sale. annotated. i play around in my mind with the idea of trading the books out, as if i still live in a place where i could. the point is, it’s real. we’re real. dad was real, our library trips that had been half forgotten were real, and isn’t it nice to feel real and to know everything else is too?

I miss dad. my roommate’s breathing heavy and in a few hours she will wake up sick. between my classes i’ll raid my drawers and wallet for enough coins to run to cvs and buy her some mac and cheese because that’s what we both crave when we’re not doing too good. i will never tell her i paid for it in coins and i’ll never tell her i stayed up to make sure she’d be okay. we’re a lot alike and so i’m not even mad at her for what she did tonight. she just wanted to know she was real. she is my best friend and she has a lot of passion. i take to people like that, latch onto them like a leech because i was taught to feel deeply and anyone who doesn’t i seem to repel. i will go to class and not fall asleep, and i’ll wear cute clothes and there will be circles under my eyes and no part of me will match but that’s how i am and i can’t ever in good faith tell anyone why. i play around with calling dad a lot. I look at his contact but i can’t bring myself to hear the silence. i think that’s why i went to book school in the first place. i think it’s why i’m writing this.

[occult-roommates]

I wanna take you to a gay bar

Daniele had a plan to seduce Dawud again. Similarly to that time he brought him to a gay bath house, he would this time bring him to a gay bar in Newcrest. So, he did it the following Friday. However, just like the previous time, Ralf ended up being there. Cause you see, while Daniele wanted to be alone with Dawud in order to rebuild the friendship, Dawud wasn’t ready to do that yet, so he brought Ralf as a sort of buffer zone between them.

Daniele: What is he doing here? Ralf: Well Dawud invited me and I said yes. I am not leaving San Myshuno until Monday afternoon so I pretty much have nothing better to do. Dawud: What, you constantly call him a dilf, aren’t you happy to see him? Ralf: He calls me a what?? Dawud: Uh well, you see...a dilf is- Ralf: N-No I know what that is. I was shocked that he calls me that. Daniele: ANYWAY! Let’s go!!

The men walked towards the bar. While Dawud and Ralf were chatting about their week together, Daniele stayed a bit behind. Not to be a bitch or anything, but Ralf was kinda...in the way of his plan.

Ralf: I am so excited. I haven’t gone clubbing in at least 15 years, and gay clubbing specifically pretty much since before I got married more than 20 years ago. I even put on my slutty underwear to celebrate the occasion and I never wear them these days. Dawud: Aren’t you here for work? Why would you have your “slutty underwear” with you in the first place especially if you rarely wear them?? Ralf: Well, you never know when the occasion for slutty underwear will arise. I haven’t worn them in several years and they’ve gotten too small but it’s ok cause that means more of my asscheeks are exposed now. Gain weight, get sluttier. Daniele: As we all know, fat men are the sluttiest of them all. Dawud: Ah yes, me, the guy who had sex a grand total of four time, with the same person, more than two years ago. Daniele: I mean, you also sucked Rudi in a fucking public park. Like I don’t care if it was at night like what the fuck dude. Dawud: THEY TOLD YOU??? Ralf: Who’s Rudi? Daniele: Transgender werewolf Dawud gave head to in a goddamn park. Ralf: Yeah yeah I did that too he’s not special...I mean, I too once gave head, had sex in a park, had sex with a werewolf and had sex with a trans lady, all on four separate occasion, but technically I did it too...I mean, I think your Rudi is a lady I don’t know you said sucked but normally Rudi is a boy name but I don’t know. Could be a guy who had his surgery...I also banged a trans guy anyway. Daniele: I mean they’re nonbinary actually and their full name is Rudder but I thought saying transgender werewolf was funnier. Dawud: Oh so you’re the slut actually. Daniele: Me? Dawud: I was obviously answering to Ralf. Ralf: Never tried to pretend otherwise. But I’m very fateful to my wife now, I’m just going to this club to get shitface and have fun with my friends.

Dawud and Ralf kept walking, while Daniele remained a bit behind. He wasn’t mad per se, but like...kinda ruining his plan. At least by virtue of being behind him he could, well, look at his behind. Truly a fantastic view, emphasis on ass, he was gonna stare at it disrespectfully...No he had to stay focus. He’s doing this for Dawud, not the middle aged married father. 

Ralf: But yeah I really should go back to the gym, haven’t been able to go since I injured my shoulder there three months ago. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older or something, but it took forever to heal, and now that I’m fine my schedule is too busy. Hopefully soon, hopefully. Dawud: We’ve arrived!  Daniele: Are they playing Everytime we touch? I didn’t know that song was known in the US. I’ve literally haven’t heard it since moving here. Dawud: That’s because you never cried to a video of Naruto in love with Sasuke while in middle school. Ralf: My son used to love this song. Sang it all the time in the car and I would sing with him and he’d get mad and embarrassed. It’s a shame, he had such a beautiful voice and he wanted to be a singer... Daniele: The fuck why are you saying it like that? Did he died or something?  Ralf: ...Yes... Daniele: Oh! Oh my god! I’m so sorry I-I was saying it as a joke...But how like if he’s your son he couldn’t have been that old? Dawud: Dan! You can’t ask that! Daniele: Why?

All of a sudden, Daniele saw Ralf face turn to sadness, like one deep enough that even he could notice it. Oh shit, he really touched a sensitive nerve with that. Fuuuuck. Well, time to enter the bar, they were here to have fun, and he didn’t want to be responsible for ruining it for everyone, especially since it was his idea.

Ok, Daniele had accidentally brought back painful memory to someone. Surely his evening couldn’t get any worse, right?

Prev - Next

[librarybunny13]

Kinda pissed

This has not been an easy year. Hell, my life fall apart back in March. The 28th to be acurate.

So my epilepsy has returned and boy is it pissed that I went four years off of all meds without a single seizure. But as all epileptics say, "Fuck Epilepsy". I was in the hospital for 3 or 4 days. With a woman going through alchol withdrawls who took out her IVS and everything else and peed and pooped and layed in her head and then escaped to the bathroom. Once that was over with, my bad luck contuined.

I had to have a doctor's note to go back to work. My general doctor said not until you talk to a neurologist. I said fine. But also told the doctor that I had no epilepsy medications. He said not to worry I cuold get into a neurologist in 2 days and be on meds and I would be fine.

First doctor appointment I could get was 3 weeks away. I said fine, I have lots of vacation time! My mom drives me to the appointment, I have a seizure right there in the parking lot. The neurologist refuses to see me and tells me mom to take me to the ER. Already been there and they refuse to give me medication. Bitch give me a presciption and I'm out of here. No diec. And honestly, all I did was look around confused as all get out.

Second doctor appointment for a neur........3 weeks away. Fine. My vacation days are slipping away, but I can handle it. The day my mom starts driving me to this place an hour away we get a phone call. Doctor called in because of a family emergency.

Third appointment, another 3 week wait. Fine. First meds he puts me on has me vomiting like in the movie Stand By Me. So after the vomiting does not stop after he asked me to wait for 2 weeks, and the fact that I develop a rash and literally scratched until I bled on my back of all places, he gives me another drug. But he tells me to be careful because these are super strong drugs and they have "street value" and I might be robbed if anyone knows I have them. Fine I take them.

First time I take one I'm okay. I take 1 for 1 week, then he moves me up to 2 a day. One at night and one in the morning. Then 2 in the morning and 1 at night, then 2 during the day and 2 at night. The next day at work, one of the bosses calls an ambulance because she says I'm acting weird. I admit, that moring I took a little cough medicine, not even a full dose. And that's how I ended up at the hospital again.They let me go after 2 days.

A month later I'm at work, I'm running some old library books to the front desk. Next thing I know someone is standing over me, "Do you know who I am?" I shake my head no. I'm literally looking at you with my blind eye. I can barely see a thing. Oh look, they called 911 again. And off I am carted to the hospital, against my wishes. But I admit I tried to call my mom, but couldn't figure out how to use the phone. They let me go after 4 hours.

My neuro decides I need MORE medication. So he gives me another one. Now I'm taking 5 epilepsy pills in the morning and 5 at night.

Epilepsy pills are known for giving brain fogs , making you forget everything, and for some people, making you want to suicide. So I know run around work and forget what I'm doing. Or better yet, forget the names of things..........like what a pencil is called.

I'm keeping a journal because my new shrink said to give it a try for some CBT - cognitive behavior therapy. And I told him in the beginning, I have tried that before, it DOES NOT HELP WITH THE DEPRESSION. Heck, it makes it worse. Look, I saw this shrink 2 times then he moved out of state. (because of course he did)

So now I have a system, where were you on the suicide scale today, 1-10. And no I will not kill myself. I promised my mother I would not hurt myself again until she was dead. And now I kinda have to take care of dad. So even if mom dies, I still have to take care of dad (deaf and blind and lots of other medical issues). I fear I will make it to my 60s.

At the same time I got a new diabetic doctor. He gave me 2 meds. One was ozempic. He told me just to get past the first 4 weeks. That I was fat, and it would help with that and help with my diabetes. I was all, I've taken meds my whole life I'll be fine. I couldn't move out of the bed. I got dizzy. Two weeks in, I tell my mom what was going on. At one point I just stopped eatting for 4 days. Then I had a yogurt. I had to drag myself down the stairs in stages. Literally my mom drove ten hours and brought me to her summer home. She forced me to eat at least one yogurt or soup a day. We tried calling the diabetic doctor, but he had quit his job and moved to Ohio. Because of course he did! So we had to find another diabetic doctor. And of course the wait list was forever. And he thinks I should be on these medications. So he refuses to change them, even when I end up vomiting in a trash can.

At the same time I'm going to a cardiologist. He decides I'm not having seizures. That I have too much blood pressure meds and takes me off them cold turkey. The hospital people think that the time I was half drunk off cough medicine that the blood was leaving my head because I was standing up. ANd he also thinks it's because of the medicine the diabetic doctor is giving me. Not the ozempic, the other one. Angry notes and phone calls are written between the two. They each decide the other doctor is wrong.

Did I mention I used up four months worth of vacation leave before I got a doctoe note to go back to work? Four MONTHS. ANd at one point my job just stopped giving me money. I ended up asking mom for a loan.

So I'm already sick. I was suppose to go to Spain for my cousin's wedding. Didn't get to go. Was super pissed. Since I don't have Any time left I also missed the family reunion that we only have every four years. And did I mention, during all of thiss, my cousin's 22 year old daughter decides to show up. She's here to take a class At Georgia Tech in English. I love Monica, I really do. Bit I haven't been able to drive because no driving once epilepsy comes back. At my house I was just walking to Walmart. At my mom's house there's nothing around. So I have to find a way to bring my lunch to work. For those of you wondering, there is a lunch thief. Also are fridges are not that clean or young.

Anyhow, Monica is taking my car to the beach and stuff. Good for her. Until I actually she her at the beach. Look, people think she's 12 because of the way she looks. She's tiny, petite. Her shoe size is 5. I'm glaring at all the old men out there looking at her like she's a steak dinner.

So the lifeguard blows his whistle and puts up the red flag. We were about to get in the water. So I ask him what does the red flag mean. "Shark" he says. So I tell my cousin. She says, "ah, okay" goes down the beach a bit so the lifeguard can't see her and just goes in the ocean anyhow. And I'm all like, "What the fuck?!" SO I chase in after her. If she got bitten, my cousin would KILL me and all of Florida. We actually saw the shark, just a small one. But she swims towards the shark. At this point I'm starting to think that I must be dreamng. What kind of idiot goes up to try to pet a shark?! Luckily the shark wims away terrified of my cousin.

Is it done? Oh no, the lifeguard now puts up the flag for jellyfish. And I have to chase her as she chases the jelly fish. She claims Florida jellyfish don't sting as badly as the Spainish ones. I'm like......how do I get her out of the ocean. Well the sun starts setting and I tempt her with another pina colda. That's how I got her out of the ocean.

Then my mom decides I'm well enough and leaves me alone with her for like 2 weeks so she can get her chemo. At this point Monica is kinda panicing. She had to do a test to figure out which English class to put her in. She got 6 out of 7 so she did great. But she thinks she's going to be the dumbest peron there and gets all blue. I'm an introvert. I need my alone time. But I took her to a street with bars and dancing. Yuck, I hate dancing. ANd this calmed her down, especially after all the phone numbers she got from the local guys.

Did I mention the medications that I'm taking are destroying my one good eye? So soon I might be totally blind. It's lke a fog sometimes shows up and I know no one else can see it. So I'm not sure I can do storytime. I'm gonna ask my eye doctor next time I see him. (I get steroid shots in my eyes once a month).

And the newest drama. The car wreck on March 28th? I was served papers. Two of the people are sueing me for 100,000 each. My anxiety is through the roof.

If you got this far, thank you for reading my word vomit.

I am so depressed and anxious and tired. I feel like I'm going to explode

[kaitiedidslibrary]

Book 22

Oooh boy. Is this one of those tongue in cheek books making fun of itself? It didn't feel like it. It was just... awful.

How does this have mostly three and four stars. Are you all lying to me.

So I started this at the end of April. It took me almost two months to get through it because I hated it so much. But Unfortunately it was a gift.

First person is immediately a turn-off, but I preservered.

The plot is teen influencers get murdered, I guess. Several tiktokers get invited to an early-access weekend at a Gothic amusement park. There's a storm coming and people are dying. But first you have to get through So. Much. Bullshit exposition where everyone is just annoyingly stereotypical and flat and cringe.

I had to make a reference list at first, since I couldn't keep every one of the cardboard cutout stereotypes straight. It's like the author scrolled tiktok and made characters based off the first five-ish videos.

We have Paisley (true crime MC), Ava (makeup bitch), Liam (gamer jock- couldn't make two characters, the gamer wouldn't have been hot on his own), James (movie critic bro), Harper (Booktok), and Will (makeup bitch, but make him a gay guy who's nicer).

Then there's Malcom, the rich weirdo Dracula knockoff. There's a couple other characters, but there's nothing to them. They're there to be the NPCs, and the guys are there to be hot for the MC to swoon over and show off for.

"My name is Paisley and I'm a rich white girl who's Different because I like death and I have so~ many followers. I'm not like ~other~ white girl influencers because my family wasn't rich to start and I'm just good at everything I try UwU"

"I'm so different and awkward but every guy is flirting with me but they're all hot so I'm ~blushing~ omg so awkward of me"

I hated the main character and reading from her perspective.

Why is there so much product placement. Seriously:

And that's just on that page.

The sad things is there would be sections were it would be interesting, and then Paisley would say something insufferable, and throw the whole thing off.

And I know they're teenagers, and teenagers do stupid shit, but you can't tell me the adult would be totally fine with her running out into the storm to find some guy with no idea where he is with an active murderer on the loose.

The other issue I have is that there is so much telling. You don't have a moment to make your own judgments of the characters, or react to them at all before the author tells you how to feel about them.

It did get slightly better towards the middle, because the action kept the insufferable scenes from dragging, but not by much. It was frustrating. There'd be a chase sequence that kicked the story off the ground, and then it was "we need to find and destroy that jammer and call for help", but that would immediately get sidelined because clearly it's more important to change your clothes first. It's very important for the reader to know she's wearing yoga pants while they're running from a serial murderer.

The ending just. Hm. How do I put this. The motive for the killer was a little meh. Like the "I guess" meme. But the ✨surprise twist✨ felt so much like just a "gotcha!" moment. I'm sure if I had the motivation to reread it, I would catch some clumsy foreshadowing that I mistook for bad writing, but I literally don't care.

And the ending felt like a Goosebumps ending. If you were a Goosebumps kid, I'm sure you can guess exactly what happens.

Overall, it was just frustrating and flat. You can't hold it to any degree of logic. I guess if you want to turn off your brain and mindlessly enjoy a thriller, this would be the one. But get used to the "but you just said-" feeling. ://

I'd give it one and a half stars if I were feeling generous, but I'm not.

⭐

[pumpkincentaur]

Unholy Holy Things Worldbuilding || The Dead Gods - Aithara, the White Maiden/the Weeping Reaper

The influence of the old gods was regional, for the most part. Different parts of Valeros had different gods of the harvest, of the seas, of craftsmanship and art, of wisdom and diplomacy. Save for a few—chiefly Zenobiel and Malusiel—the gods were not universally worshiped or reviled across all of Valeros, and held sway only over their own homelands.

Aithara was one of those few known by all. However, it is difficult to define the feelings ancient Valerians held towards her within the simple dichotomy of hatred and awe.

She is known by many names. The people of the Odisian Empire refuse to speak her true name, much like Malusiel, and call her the White Maiden. In Caerr Mara, her name is not scorned, and she is known as the Weeping Reaper. In Mavana and other states around the Sheltered Sea, she is called Aia, the Great Undoing, and was once accepted as part of a necessary dichotomy with a god of birth and life whose name has been lost to history.

Plain and simple, she is a god of death, of endings. Death is, of course, inevitable, but not all cultures in Valeros fear it. Generally, one can ascertain a culture’s feelings about death based on how they view Aithara. Fear and scorn in the Odisian Empire, neutrality in Caerr Mara, respect and acceptance around the Sheltered Sea.

Regardless of one’s feelings about death, however, death comes for us all.

Taglist and more info under the cut. If you’d like to be added to the taglist for Unholy Holy Things, please let me know!

Okay, so, remember when I said I was going to do a series on the dead gods of UHT, did two (Zenobiel and Malusiel) and then dipped off the face of the earth for a bit? This is a continuation of that series. A big part of why I stopped was that I didn’t have a name for this particular god here, who, like Malusiel, is an important character in her own right.

I’ll probably post the scene in which Aithara first makes herself known to us, even if it’s not, uh, fun.

Taglist: @elywritesbydarkness, @seasteading, @maskedlady, @metanoiamorii, @veneritia @error-404-error-not-found, @hekat-ie, @aurieeeeeenyx, @kaseylynnwriting, @tragedieds, @jauntymushroom, @tae-mv, @hysteriwah, @amywrites256, @pressedpapyrus, @ultimatecryptid, @cream-and-tea, @chuchoters, @storytracks, @maybe-a-cat42, @asablehart, @watersymbolism, @florraisons, @chrysaallism, @unholyheretics, @wisteria-eventide, @absolute-nonsense-scribblings, @seas-dubh, @marchdove

[munsonssub]

Lets take a ride. Eddie Munson x fem!reader

A/N; literally wrote this in three hours so if it sucks im sorry, not proof read also. ALSO no one can tell me eddie wouldnt ride a motorcycle bc if you think he wouldnt youre wrong also please let me know what you think. I’m not used to posting my writing so I need feedback

Summary: you’ve had enough, being a triple senior, losing your dad, and your mom blaming you for anything, you need an escape, luckily eddie can do that for you.

warnings: swearing, mentions of death, mentions of a slight panic attack, sexual innuendoes (MINORS GO AWAY) 

word count: 2368. (whoops)

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It was a normal day, sorta, you had a rough morning, like usual, no big surprise. Your mom had been meaner than usual, which is fair, you ran out another one of her boyfriends with your attitude, or at least that’s what she yelled at you this morning before you left for school.

What ever doesn’t matter anymore, you thought to yourself as you pushed the door open at Hawkins high. Maybe this year, your third senior year at Hawkins you’d finally graduate. You weren’t alone in your third year though, one other, who you were almost too much like, was there also. Eddie Munson, the metal head cult leader, freak as many of your peers called him, was also on his third year. Which didn’t surprise you.

Honestly you wish you had the same excuses as him, smoking pot, not really giving a fuck, just enjoying existing. But instead, you had a dead dad and a bad attitude and an alarming number of fights with teachers that landed you here.

Surprisingly you hadn’t been handed the title of a freak yet, loser, yes. But freak? Nope. You liked metal music and dressed more punk than your peers would like, but you kept to yourself, which also left you with the name bitch. Not wanting to entertain conversations with anyone you felt alone, but that’s okay, that’s how you wanted to be. But today, God today, you wish you had someone, anyone really that you could talk to.

The day went by slow, the need and urge for something more eating at you, not letting its ugly head hide. Maybe just maybe you could find something to give you the rush you need.

Maybe I could jump into the river, or play chicken on the highway. You thought. Just as you exit the building you hear the roar of a motorcycle to your left, glancing over you see him, Eddie Munson in all is dumb, cute long-haired glory, wearing a Dio shirt, ripped jeans, his trusty leather jacket and combat boots. He’s standing over a Yamaha Virago, showwing it off to his friends. You can hear parts of their conversations.

“So, this is what you’ve been doing with your cut from the hide out gigs?” one of them asks as Eddie nods and then starts on a spiel about how long it took and what year the bike was. 1984, dude its so cool, only took like fours months to save for with both gigs.

That, that’s what you need, some adrenaline from a risky bike ride. You thought, mustering up the courage you walk over, pocketing your car keys you had already grabbed out.

“Hey Munson!” you shout as you get closer, his friends turning to look at you as Eddies eyes widen.

“L/N, to what do I owe the pleasure of you finally talking to me after all these years?” Eddie smirked. Looking you up and down, checking out your black jeans, the chains hanging and the Metallica shirt you had just gotten.

“Was wondering if you’d be up for having a backpack for a cruise? Like the bike by the way, my dad had a Yamaha too.” You cringe, not meaning to bring up your father. Eddie eyes you for a second before nodding.

“Right now, sweetheart?” he pats the handle bar and smiles at you.

“Uh,” you freeze, you weren’t actually expecting him to say yes. “How about later, before sunset? if you’re free. I have my car here and if it isn’t home by four my mother will lose her mind.” You level with him.

“Sure, thing sweetheart, wanna meet me at the arcade for seven thirty? Also make sure you wear your boots and leather jacket, can’t have you getting hurt if we go sideways.” He straightened out and walks towards you, his hand out ready for you to shake, you take it and try not to shiver at the feeling of his hand in yours.

“Sir yes sir, ill bring my helmet too. Seven thirty. See you then Munson.” You let his hand go and wave bye as you walk away, trying to calm the sudden rush of breath.

You get home, thankfully your mom isn’t there. Three and a half hours to kill, you could do that easily, considering it would take you a half hour to walk to the arcade anyways. You go up to your room, putting in the new Dio album on and laying out your home work.

Two hours pass easily, you’re done the work you needed to get done, ate some dinner and now you’re looking for your helmet, your dad bought it for you just before he died. Telling you he was gonna teach you to ride his bike so you could take it when he fell sick. Annoyingly though you mother sold it for money that she owed one of her ‘friends’.You’d gotten over it quickly, knowing she would’ve sold it anyways before you could get your hands on it. Finally locating the black helmet, you smiled to yourself, mentally highfiving yourself as you stood and walked out of the garage.

6:45. The clock read as you walked past, quickly setting down your helmet you ran upstairs to grab your jacket and boots. Writing out a note for your mom that you left tacked to the fridge before you pulled on your boots and jacket and grabbed your helmet, locking the door you started your trek to the arcade.

The walk went by easily enough, your nerves hitting you just as you round the corner to the arcade and see Eddie standing by his bike, a lit cigarette in his mouth as he talked to kids you recognized from his DND club. Shaking your arms, you let out a shaky breath and gather the courage to finish the walk to him.

“Munson.” You nod your head as you get closer, a slight smile on your lips even though you feel like puking. He quickly says goodbye to the kids and turns towards you.

“L/N! you came! Hope you’re ready for the ride of your life sweetheart,” He winked at you. You lightly scoff and put your helmet on. Eddie does the same before straddling the bike and kicking up the stand. “c’mon sweet thing.” He gives you a gentle smile, seeming to notice your nerves.

“Better treasure this Munson, it’s the only time you’ll be in between my thighs.” You say as you get on behind him.

“Oh honey, I wouldn’t say that just yet.” He winks at you as you put your arms around him and he starts the bike.

You ride around town for thirty minutes before he stops at a stop sign, leaning back, which causes you to sit up a bit. He pus his hands on your thighs, patting a beat to a song that must be stuck in his head.

“What do you say to leaving town? I know a place.” He yells over the engine noise from the bike.

“If you think you’re taking me to skull rock you are sorely mistaken. Not making out with you there.” You reply.

“Sweet thing, I don’t have to take you to skull rock to get you to make out with me,” He smirks. “that’s not a no. you ready for some speed?” he pats your thigh again before you nodded against his back. He leaned down and you followed. Keeping your hold around his waist as he took a turn out of town.

You slowly gained speed as you drove out of town, towards the unknown location. You yelled for him to go faster once you hit the open road hoping he heard you. The only indication he did was the bike getting louder as you took off, squeezing him you lifted off of him a bit to watch the sunset and the scenery passing you by. You don’t know where you’re going but honestly you don’t care. He could murder you for all you care right now. Would make this shit easier you think as you hit a clearing with no trees.

Suddenly its too much, your emotions suddenly hitting their peak, all the dread and depression you’ve been holding in, falling out, you could feel tear start to come down your face, a sob escaping your mouth as you clutch tighter to Eddie. The speed and noise suddenly setting off all your alarms.

You can feel him shift down and start to slow down, pulling off onto a look out, you don’t even know when you went up the glorified hill, which locals would call a mountain, but you could see all of Hawkins. Signalling it was good for you to get off Eddie pat your hands the were clutching to him. You quickly let go before putting you hands on his shoulders and pulling yourself off the bike. The first thing you did when you got off was rip your helmet off and throw it at the ground before covering your face with your hands and screaming.

You could hear Eddie get off the bike and turn it off before the soft sound of boots crunching gravel hit. Your hands were still on your face when you felt him hug you, one arm around your waist and the other coming up to the back of your head. He held you for a moment while another sob wracked your body, you took your hands off your face before slipping them around him and shoving yourself into his chest more.

“Hey, sweet thing shh you’re okay, hey can you take a deep breath for me? Just one? C’mon sweets.” Eddie cooed into your hair, his hand rubbing the back of your head.

You feel yourself nodding before slightly pushing off of him, looking up at him, catching his eyes that are full of concern.

“Copy me Y/N c’mon,” he takes a deep breath that you copy, you panicked breathing calming as you keep breathing with him. “There yah go sweets, nice and calm for me huh? Good girl.”

Your breath hitches with him saying that, a blush hitting your cheeks.

“Fuck I am so sorry, I don’t know what happened, I was fine then fuck man. This is embarrassing.” You shake your head pushing yourself away from him and sitting on the ground at the edge of the look out.

“Why would it be embarrassing?” he asks you, coming to sit beside you, knees bent and his arms resting on them.

“Because fuck I don’t know?! You’re so fucking cool and metal and you probably think I’m a fucking poser siting over here crying over nothing important like a goddamn drama queen.” You glower, laying flat on you back to look at the now night sky. Not noticing is face heating up with your compliments

“Drama queen? Lil bit. Poser? Fucking never, actually wanna know something funny?” he lays down beside you, on his side and resting his head in his hand.

“Sure Munson, humour me for ruining the cruise.” You say as you turn your head to now look at him.

“I have wanted to talk to you for months, no scratch that, years, but I was always scared,” you accidentally cut him off with a laugh. He jokingly glares at you before pushing your arm. “Yeah, yeah laugh, but honestly Y/N, I’ve been so scared to talk to you because you have this sick aura about you, you don’t give a shit, about what anyone says, and I know I don’t either but honestly I kinda do, why do you think I do shit just to get reactions.” He pauses and you readjust, copying his position.

“But you god you, you fucking intimidate me, I felt like I was gonna die when you walked up to me earlier, then you asked to go for ride and I swear I thought I had died and gone to heaven.” He looks into your eyes finally as you smile at him.

“Can I level with you?” you asked honestly.

“Always sweet thing.”

“I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while too, just walk up and strike up a conversation with you about bands or anything really, but I always chickened out because I have a lot of baggage and didn’t wanna scare you off.”

“Oh, sweet thing, nothing you could do could scare me off.” He smirks, a sweet smile starting to grow on his lips. You felt your heart jump into your throat and a blush start on your cheeks. With out thinking much you leaned forward, smashing your lips against his.

It takes a minute for him to start kissing you back but when he does the kisses intensity is dialed to eleven, you hand finds his face as he pushes your shoulder back with his and is climbing on top of you, slotting himself between your thighs.

“Told you id get between your thighs again.” He smirks as he breaks the kiss, a scoff leaves your throat before you are pulling him back down again.

Things started to escalate quickly, a moan leaving your lips and he pushed his hips against yours. Your hands pushing the bandana he had on off his head so you could grab his hair as he let out a hiss at you pulling it, you didn’t want to stop, honestly, you’d let him do anything he wants to you if he asked. But you knew you had to, it was already probably past your curfew and you already knew you be in shit when you got home, so reluctantly you disconnected your lips. Only to have him immediately start kissing down your neck, making you moan.

“Eds, eds, baby we gotta stop, you gotta take me home.” You sigh as he groans against your neck.

“You sure sweet thing? Could take you back to my place.” He smirks lifting himself off you.

“Tempting, but my moms already gonna have my head because I’m out so late.” You pat his chest as e helps you off the ground.

“Okay L/N, but we are continuing this tomorrow after school.” He smiles and he grabs your helmet and puts it on for you.

“Gladly Munson.”

[starsofmilos]

I’m Not a Hero (Adrian Chase x reader)

Request: Reader with a deadpool personality!!

I love this idea and I’m finally feeling better so we’re back to posting! Ear is still in some pain, but I am feeling much better! Also thanks @charleetheefictionalfucker​ for the request!

Masterlist

Warnings: mentions of sex, violence, some angst, some fluff, cursing, making out, mentions of abuse

What’s a hero?

A hero is defined by a multitude of things. Someone brave or selfless! If we’re gonna go by the literal meaning then a hero is,

‘A hero is a real person or a main fictional character who, in the face of danger, combats adversity through feats of ingenuity, courage, or strength.’

A hero carries qualities that make someone a good person. A hero would sacrifice the people they love and themselves with remorse to save the world.

It’s for this reason only you hate the word hero or anyone who describes themselves as one.

Heroes are cowards. Heroes are people who use their abilities for good while also acting recklessly to save everyone, They get praise while some prisoners  who do the same things as a hero but with bad intentions get put away for life.

It’s not fair.

Life isn’t fair and neither is society and unlucky for you. You live in a world full of heroes. The justice league for example. God you hated Batman and especially Superman.

There was only one hero you actually admired and it was because he was like you. He was goofy and silly. He is also the love interest of this story so of course you’re gonna admire him. 

Adrian Chase or as you know him Vigilante. 

You were kinda obsessed. Mostly because he did what you did and his name was so fitting. He wasn’t a hero but he also wasn’t a bad person and you respected the hell out of him for that. 

So you kinda watched out for him. It wasn’t like you were stalking you just made sure he stayed safe. In the two months you’ve been watching out for him you had secretly saved him a total of seven times.

Not like you were counting though...(you totally were)

You just wanted the one person you considered genuine safe and his ‘partner’ Peacemaker never really did that.

Adrian didn’t meet you though not until he went on a mission with the team. You’d been following him since he joined project butterfly. 

One night the team had managed to get separated and Adrian was cornered. He only had six bullets and there were four men who were all armed.

Well they weren’t really men more like aliens. 

Adrian was cornered though, so with no hesitation (100% hesitation) you jumped in. 

“Get down!” You yelled at Adrian jumping in between him and the butterfly approaching him shoving your gun to it’s throat shooting him. Once he dropped the other three began to shoot.

Adrian stared in shock as you took all the hits easily. Blood gushed from the holes on your body as you groaned out in slight pain.

“Ow fuck! That hurt!” The butterflys stared in shock as the holes patched themselves up while you removed one of your katanas moving in to decapitate them. 

You panted grimacing jumping as you heard a gun cock. Adrian stood behind you keeping his pistol ready to shoot you. He shook from slight nerves as you tilted your head in confusion.

“Who the hell are you?!”

“Are you seriously thinking about shooting me after literally watching me walking off getting shot?!”

“Yes!” Adrian yelled back, “Fucking hell I don’t know who you are and while what you did was very fucking cool and kinda hot! You’re a fucking strong bitch!”

“Okay and?!”

“What do you mean and?! I don’t trust you! You took down four butterfly’s on your own and took gun shots with ease! Not to mention how incredibly skilled at fighting you are! Now who the hell are you?!!”

You groaned, “I don’t have a name but I know who you are Vigilante and had I not stepped in you would’ve died!”

“Yeah appreciate it! Who the fuck are you and how the fuck do you know who I am?!”

“That doesn’t concern you! Now take care!”

“Wait wait! Don’t you dare walk away from me-” Adrian grunted as two clips of bullets were thrown at him. 

“They’re the ones you need. Now go kick alien ass!”

“Wait no! How do you know- Where did you even come- HEY!” You disappeared as Adrian stared in shock. 

Needless to say after meeting you, Adrian definitely wanted to see you again but you were hard to find.

“So she knew what the butterflies were?” Emilia asked in shock by what he just relayed. 

“Yeah she was weird! But in a badass way!” Adrian exclaimed with a hint of excitement. 

“That’s impossible for her to know the butterflies though! We know them because of this whole project thingy. So she either is a butterfly herself or Adrian you have a stalker.”

“I mean she did do something weird..”

“Which was?”

“She uh got shot in the chest about four times and walked it off.” Everyone looked at him in shock,

“And you didn’t mention this earlier!” Adebayo yelled out exasperatedly. Adrian shrugged.

“I didn’t think it was important.” 

“That is important you idiot!” Emilia sighed pinching the bridge of her nose. Chris laughed a bit as John chuckled.

“I guess this means we have to find this person.” John muttered. Emilia nodded.

“Until we know she is not a threat or a butterfly then yes we have to find her.”

“Well how are we gonna do that!? I’ve been trying for two weeks and I have no luck.” Adebayo hummed at Adrian’s words.

“Well she said she knew you right Vig and that she’s been watching out for you well it seems that way so...”

“So?” Adrian raised an eyebrow at Chris. 

“So if you were to say be in danger again do you think she would step in?” Emilia sat up a bit.

“Christopher Smith that might have been the first actual good idea I’ve ever heard from you.” Chris flipped her off as Adrian glanced at everyone.

“So what I put myself in danger and hope she shows up?”

“Yeah pretty much.” He scoffed not thinking they were serious.

“Well obviously it wouldn’t be actual danger we’ll get someone to attack you-”

“If she really has been watching me then she’ll know I can take down one person no problem-”

“Not if they’re bigger than you and you’re unarmed.”

“Who will do that-”

“Obviously the person who thought of the idea.” John smirked pointing at Chris.

“What no way! From what he said she sounds like an absolute monster who will kill with no remorse!” Adrian laughed at Chris.

“We’ll stop her before she kills you but for now we need to make the setup.”

That led to now, Adrian groaned being thrown against the ground harshly. Chris laughed a bit seeing Adrian struggle to sit up.

“Do you have to hit me that hard?”

“Gotta make it believable Vig.” Emilia’s voice rang out in his ear as Chris kicked him down.

Adrian grunted coughing out a bit as Chris sighed glancing around before pulling out his gun.

“Time to die Vigilante-” Another gun cocking next to his ear cut him off.

“You sure it’s his time?”

Adrian sat up seeing you standing behind Chris. “Drop the gun.”

Chris obeyed as you eyed him suspiciously, “So Vigilante wanna tell me why your best friend Peacemaker is trying to kill you?”

“Wait you know who I am-”

“Everyone knows who you are fuck face. You’re known as the racist hero-”

“I’m not racist!” You scoffed.

“I told you that you came off as racist!” Adrian stood up coughing a bit. You hummed putting your gun down glaring at the both of them.

“You stopped him from shooting me-”

“Please you dumb fuck I know he wasn’t gonna shoot you. I came out because I knew you were looking for me.”

“Oh..”

“Yeah idiots. You both made it obvious.” Adrian chuckled a bit as you smiled under your mask.

“So Christopher Smith and Adrian Chase-”

“YOU KNOW MY NAME NOW!!”

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” You gasped out feeling a sharp pain in your arm. Chris had stabbed you with a needle.

You yanked it out angrily glaring at him. “You s-stabbed me..” Your words came out slurred, “No..You drugged me! You son of a bitch!!”

You pulled your gun out pointing it at Adrian and Chris. “Both of you stay b-back!”

Adrian sighed raising his hands up, “Calm down..” 

Your eyes began to droop as you swung your gun frantically. 

“I don’t think she’s a butterfly..Drugs like this don’t effect them.” Chris muttered out as you fell still holding your gun up.

“W-wait y-you thought I butterfly!...” You garbled out head slumpng.

“In our defense you did take bullets and healed them right up..”

“Not alien..failed experiment....” 

You slumped down groaning before falling asleep. Adrian winced as Chris raised a questioning eyebrow.

“I feel kinda bad..She really was just looking out for me..”

Chris sighed as Emilia came out with everyone else. “Well pick her up and let’s get going. Drugs are only gonna last-”

“Two minutes for me!” Your head popped up a bit lazily. “Knocked me out and once I can move again I am gonna kick all of your sorry asses!!”

Your words were still slurred and you were immobilized. Adrian sighed picking you up. “Okay here we go.”

“Put me down! Fuck! Stupid bitch! Dumb whore!” Adrian laughed a bit as you slurred out insults.

“Okay so we gotta move fast.”

Adrian and Chris tied you down in a chair leaving the room after removing your weapons. You groaned out feeling your limbs start coming back to normal. They all surrounded you eyeing you with a small amused look.

You struggled in your restraints as Adrian grinned. “I was a boy scout. You won’t break those ties easily.”

“Take off her mask.” Emilia told Adrian.

“NO!” You yelled out shaking your head. “Don’t fucking touch my mask!!”

“I’m not removing her mask.” Adrian said as you yelled out. 

“Chase we gotta see who this is-”

“No! You touch my mask I swear when I get out of this chair I will kill every single one of you motherfuckers!”

“Okay okay we won’t remove it!” Adrian reassured you. Chris groaned standing up.

“I’ll do it!” You flinched in your seat as he grabbed the edge of it.

“Hey!” Adrian stopped Chris from doing it. “She said she doesn’t want her mask off! We’re not removing anything!”

You wiggled your ties before deciding to screw it and break your arm so you could slip out. Adrian yelled out seeing your broken wrist snap back into place. 

You untied yourself using everyone in shock as an opportunity to break free. Adrian grabbed you as you stood up trying to run out.

“Fuck Off!”

“Stop stop! We just wanna know who you are?!”

“Oh why didn’t you just say so?! I am not an alien and my name is-” Adrian covered your mouth.

“Don’t give away your secret identity!” You bit his hand stomping on his foot throwing him away from you.

“My name is Y/N and I honestly don’t give a shit if you know it and to be quite honest the author doesn’t really know how she plans on getting you to know my name!”

Adrian and everyone shared a questioning look with each other. You sighed grabbing your stuff from the corner.

“Hey! We’re not done questioning you-”

“No you’re not! But I will cooperate!” You moved taking a seat across from them.

You lifted the edge of your mask pulling out your vape. “Now ask away on my terms.”

“So your name is-”

“Y/N as I’ve said before.”

“And you’re not a alien?” Chris asked you. Adrian couldn’t help but to admire the bottom half of your face showing as you puffed out smoke.

“No I’m not an alien.”

“You mentioned failed experiment?” Emilia spoke up now just as intrigued as everyone else.

You nodded taking another hit, “Yes they tried to make a weapon. Someone to call a hero and got stuck with me. I uh..Shit was fucked and I’ve never looked back after I left.”

She nodded as Adebayo leaned forward, “So you left and became a hero on your own terms-”

“No no let me stop you there sweetheart I am not a hero.” Adrian raised an eyebrow at your words.

“Wait you’re not? I thought you were...”

“Heroes don’t kill Vigilante and Heroes aren’t selfish..I’m selfish. I know I am. A hero would sacrifice themselves or whoever they deem necessary to save the world while a villain would sacrifice the world to save whoever they wanted including themselves.” 

“So you’re a villain?” Adrian asked removing his mask. He realized there was no point you knew his name. You smiled seeing him take out his glasses.

“You’re cute..and no I’m not a villain either..I honestly don’t know what to call myself..But I’m not a hero.”

Emilia and the team didn’t know what to think of you, but they were sure of one thing.

“We can’t leave you alone.”

“What?” You coughed a bit at Emilia’s words.

“You’re a liability since you know Vigilante’s identity and you know what the butterflies are. We can’t risk you blabbing your mouth to random people-”

“How do you know I haven’t already?”

A gun cocked loudly as Chris pointed it to your head. You raised an eyebrow giving him a smile.

“I’m kidding. I wouldn’t give away Vigilante’s identity.”

Adrian sighed a bit in relief, “So how did you figure out my identity?..”

“It was easy. Look I’m a contract killer, but I only kill people who deserve it and make money from it and I’ve had shitty people come to me with your identity wanting me to kill you.”

“Wait-”

“Relax. I always kill them and whoever they told. I consider you one of the good ones and I always take care of whoever they work with.”

“So you watch out for Vigilante?” Chris asked a bit doubtful.

“Yes in a way after getting the first hit job for him. I usually study whoever I have to kill and I watched him for two weeks before deciding whether to do it or not...Vigilante is someone I...He’s a good person.”

Adrian couldn’t help but to grin at your words. Someone actually thought what he did was good and not bad. Not to mention you described him as something no one has ever. 

A good person.

Adebayo smiled as well. You cared for him. Not that you would admit it though.

“So what’s the plan then?” You asked Emilia curious of her decision. 

“You’ll be joining the team.”

“Wait really?” John asked her.

“It’s the only way I can think of us being able to watch her on a tight leash and what’s one more killing psycho.” John chuckled at her words as you nodded.

“Alright. I’ll join or whatever.”

“Really? We don’t gotta convince you or anything?” Adrian sat across from you.

“Really. I know you don’t trust me, but that’s okay I don’t trust you either.” You grinned widely before standing up to walk out.

“See y’all tomorrow.”

“Will we really?” John muttered under his breath as Emilia told Adrian to keep an eye on you. Adrian agreed. Mostly because he wanted to get to know you.

Later that night during his patrol, Adrian had been sitting in his car waiting for something to happen. He didn’t expect for you to open his passenger door and climb in.

“Hello!- WOAH WOAH!” You yelled out as he pulled out his knife swinging it at you.

“Oh..Sorry hi there!” He put it away as you huffed.

“Jeez. Maybe I should’ve killed you when they offered me half a million.” Adrian laughed at your words before noticing you sliding your seatbelt on.

“What are you doing?”

“Joining you on patrol. Didn’t blonde women say you have to keep an eye on me?”

“Uh well yeah but I’m on patrol.”

“Okay? I’ll help you. I got no kills to do as of late and I’m bored not to mention I’m trying to get into your pants.”

“Well tough luck with that. You’re not getting in my pants. Honestly you’re a criminal if Emilia hadn’t told me anything. I would’ve killed you.” You laughed.

“I’d like to see you try Adrian.”

“Don’t say my name.” Adrian groaned out while starting the car.

“Why? I like your name besides I told you I’m not a bad guy.”

“I didn’t say you were, but you break the law.” You rolled your eyes.

“You do too. Hypocrite. Also I only kill bad people. Only difference between me and you is that I get paid for what I do.”

“You’re basically an assassin.” He exclaimed while looking around.

“You’re basically a Vigilante.” You laughed imagining the blank look on his face under his mask as he turned to you. “That’s were the name comes from huh?”

“Yes and I thought it was cool.”

“I never said it wasn’t. Dude you’re name is fucking cool. It’s why I keep trying to get in your pants.” Adrian couldn’t help but to chuckle.

“Fine Y/N.”

“Oo careful Vigilante if you say my name like that I get all tingly.” 

“Maybe that’s what I want.”

Adrian cursed himself. He shouldn’t be flirting back with you, but it came so easy. You were so carefree and...

“You think I can kill ten people with five bullets?”

Like him.

“If you try hard enough.” 

It was after that the two of you became inseparable. Adrian and you were attached to the hip every mission and when he went on patrol. You even invited him to some of your jobs.

He always denied, but stopped judging you for doing it. The only thing you still hadn’t done was show Adrian your face.

It began to irk him a bit. Mostly because you knew his name and face, also where he lives. You guys had movie nights and he had never seen your face.

“Fucking shit man..Blood does not come out like that!” You complained while the killer stabbed their victim on the screen. Adrian and you usually watched horror on movie nights.

“Can I ask you something?” You hummed while lifting up the bottom of your mask taking a sip of your beer.

“Why do you always wear your mask?” You smirked glancing down at Adrian.

“I have my reasons. Why do you ask?” Adrian shrugged.

“I don’t know. I guess I just find it kinda weird. You’ve seen my face and know practically everything about me. All I really know is your name.” You shook your head.

“No you know more.”

“Not really.” You set your beer down moving to sit across from him. 

“Yes you do. You know me personally. More personally than I’ve ever let anyone know. That sounded weird. Author messed up their words there, but what I mean by that is..I’ve shown you more of me than I have ever shown anyone Adrian...Do you really not know me?..”

Adrian sighed shaking his head, “No..I do kinda know you. Like I know you’re favorite foods and drinks. I know you laugh whenever something awkward happens cause that’s your trigger response..I’ve never seen them, but your eyes grow slightly wide when I flirt with you which is often.”

“See..You do know me, but if it bothers you so much and you think you need to see my face to really know me...” You grabbed the edge of your mask jumping as Adrian grabbed your hand stopping you.

“I don’t need to see your face in order for me to know you. You’re right..I do.” You shook your head moving his head.

“Because you know me you deserve to know. Plus I’ll be able to reveal my face more often not to mention maybe you’ll finally make a move when you see me or you’ll drop me completely after seeing the ugly scar I got on my face from the experiment.”

Adrian’s eyes widened as your face was revealed. You did have a scar. It looked slightly painful. It ran across your left cheek to the corner of your lip.

Adrian wanted to reach out and touch it. He wanted to touch you. You smiled awkwardly laughing as you grabbed your mask ready to slide it back on.

“I know ugly right? I’ll put my mask back on-” Adrian took your mask from you shaking his head.

“Never say that again.” He grabbed your face eyeing your lips. You took a shaky breath feeling vulnerable and exposed under his gaze. His fingers trailed your scar carefully as he grinned at you.

“Dude you’re hot.”

You laughed loudly. “I mean it you’re so fucking hot.”

“Nice try Adrian. I’m not stupid-”

“You’re not stupid and I’m not joking. Holy shit balls dude you’re fucking gorgeous.”

You sat stunned as Adrian studied your face. Clearing your throat after some time, you reached for your mask ready to slide it back on. 

Adrian immediately grabbed it throwing it across the room. You glared at him as he smiled sheepishly.

“Sorry just keep it off..You look better without it anyways.”

“What if someone else sees?..”

“No one will. I promise. We’re here at my place. I’ll close the windows if it’ll make you feel better? Just please keep it off.”

You sighed before nodding, “Close the windows.” 

Adrian cheered doing a small happy dance skipping away to shut the windows. You sighed as he sat next to you wrapping his arm around you.

Reluctantly your eyes gazed over to him catching him in time as he glanced at you. “Can you stop staring shithead?”

“Can’t help it..” He muttered with a grin. 

Adrian had realized something that night. It was something he didn’t ever think would happen especially with you of all people.

He loved you.

He just didn’t know if you felt the same. (You so obviously did)

It became obvious to everyone that he did care for you. He became more protective of you. Adrian was always protective of those he cared for and you just made number one on that list.

It annoyed you.

How were you supposed to be a contract killer when you had a overprotective Vigilante watching your every move?

“So how much do you charge?” You cleared your throat staring down at the young women sitting before you asking you to kill her husband.

“Depends how much are you willing to pay?”

“Whatever it takes. I just can’t live with him anymore and I don’t wanna be in fear of him finding me. I want him gone.”

You nodded, “I’ll do it for a seven hundred.”

“Really? Isn’t that a little cheap-”

“Don’t question it. Get it to me by tomorrow.” She nodded with a grateful smile before walking out of the bar. 

You sighed ordering a beer before jumping as Adrian jumped in the seat in front of you.

“Hey was that a client?” 

“Yeah I have a new case so I’ll be busy for the next couple of days.” Adrian frowned a bit.

“So you won’t come for the mission then?”

“You mean the one in three days with you guys? No I’ll be there I should be done with this by then if I get started now at least.”

“Oh..so do you mind if I ask who it is?”

“I do since we’re in public besides this is boring hot stuff. It’s all a bunch of crap and stupid shit. I’d rather talk about you.” You raised the bottom of your mask flashing him a smile taking a sip of your beer.

“Why don’t we get out of here?” Adrian asked you offering you his hand. You took it letting him lead you out.

“Man is this it? You finally taking me to bed Chase?”

“Maybe.”

“I love when you get mysterious makes me all tingly.”

“Shut up weirdo.”

“I know you did not just call me weirdo. Mister I pour the milk before the cereal.”

“It tastes better.”

“It’s the same!” Adrian rolled his eyes as you both bickered the entire way back to your place. 

The night was the usual between you both of watching movies and obnoxiously flirting with each other. 

“Hey...this guy you’re going after is he dangerous?” You hummed as Adrian rubbed your legs. 

“Well kinda yeah, but most of who I go after are dangerous and believe me this guy is not the worse. I’m doing this for his wife. He beats her.”

Adrian nodded, “I hate men like that.”

“I know I also hate them it’s why I do this type of work. Why are you asking though? Don’t tell me you’re worried for me?”

“No why would I be? That’s dumb..”

“I know it is..” Adrian nodded looking away from you. He seemed a bit tense and almost a little angry?..

“Holy shit Adrian are you actually worried for me?”

“No! No! I know you can take care of yourself.”

“I can so why are you so worried?”

“I’m not worried.” You raised an eyebrow as he grew defensive.

“If you’re not worried then I need to start heading out to start this job. You can spend the night here if you want.” You sat up stretching grabbing your mask. 

“You gotta go now?”

“Yep. I’ll see you in three days.” Adrian nodded as you patted his cheek walking out. 

“Yeah three days..”

You smiled leaning down to finally do the thing you’d been wanting to do for a while. You grabbed his shirt and yanked him up to you.

You kissed him. You kissed him hard. 

Adrian’s eyes were widened in shock as he panted softly once you pulled away. “I will be okay. Stop frowning and stop worrying. Promise I’ll be back.”

You walked to the door as he stood up following you, “This is so not fair! You can’t just kiss me and leave!”

“Yes I can dip shit! See you in a couple days!”

Adrian sighed as you skipped to your car. He had it really bad for you..

Which is why he did what he did.

“You stupid fucking idiot!!” You threw your mask off angrily glaring at Adrian.

“Look-”

“No! No! You are a cock sucking piece of shit Adrian!” He sighed as you tossed your guns to your coffee table angrily. “I can’t believe you you just! UGH!!”

“I thought it would help you-”

“No! Fuck you! You did this for you! Don’t use that stupid excuse that you wanted to help me!”

“Y/N-”

“Fuck you Adrian.” You walked to the restroom stripping your gloves off to start washing yourself up. Adrian sighed removing his mask following you.

“Y/N-”

“Go away.” He groaned throwing his hands up.

“Would you fucking give me a chance to speak?!”

“No! Why should I? It’s all gonna be a bunch of bullshit excuses! Cause you are bullshit!”

“It’s not a bullshit excuse! You needed this guy dead right?! So I handled it for you-”

“Not safely! I always handle it in a way they can’t tie it back to the people who hired me! You put his wife at risk for doing my fucking work! I study my kills before going after them take my fucking time! You screwed it all up!”

“I didn’t mean too-”

“I know you didn’t! It’s why I’m pissed off! You didn’t mean too, but you still did it anyways! This is my work here Adrian! One you said you didn’t approve of so I don’t know why suddenly you wanna help!”

“They’re gonna tie the murder to me anyways!”

“I know that! It’s why you got fucking lucky! But they are gonna question why Vigilante went after this normal looking man who doesn’t have a criminal record! Did you ever think of that?! Or were you too stupid!?”

“I am not stupid!”

“You are when you’re reckless! I can’t understand what the fuck were you thinking! Do you know how fucking lucky you are I got there before the cops did!?”

“I know I was lucky!”

“No you don’t we were both shot at! I took the painful hits for you so you’re dumbass didn’t die!” You kicked the cabinet sink angrily as Adrian turned away from you.

“I didn’t ask nor want you to do that!”

“I did it so you didn’t get hurt!”

“But you did!”

“I can heal myself! I can’t die remember!”

“Doesn’t mean I want you to get hurt! I don’t want you hurt you fucking idiotic bitch!”

“Why do you care so fucking much?! I thought you hated me! I’m technically a criminal remember! You said it yourself if Emilia hadn’t told you not too you would’ve killed me! You hated me! Fuck!”

Adrian felt his throat swell up as he choked back tears not wanting you to see him cry. This was all so stupid.

“I should’ve never gotten involved with you Adrian! I should’ve just kept my stupid distance and not gotten fucking involved!”

“Then why didn’t you!” He screamed out.

“I don’t know! I was just as much as an idiot!” Adrian groaned pulling his hair. You moved around Adrian going to your kitchen.

“I need a drink.” You mumbled out as Adrian huffed laughing.

“I just can’t believe you’re upset with me for helping!”

“I’m upset because you put yourself at risk and did my fucking job!” You hissed once you slammed the door feeling your shoulder throb.

Adrian relaxed slightly seeing the grimace of pain on your face. “Your shoulder when we fell it dislocated. Let me help you pop it back in-”

“Don’t touch me!” You snapped at him. 

“I’m trying to help!”

“Well stop trying! I’ll pop my own shoulder in when I want!”

“It’s hurting it’ll literally take a second!”

“I don’t want your help!” Adrian clenched his fist grabbing his mask.

“Fine! Fine! Be angry and stubborn! I don’t care anymore! I’m going home!”

“Good! I didn’t want you here right now anyways!” He stopped turning around.

“See I was gonna leave but then you said that so now it makes it seem as if I’m leaving because you told me too! Which isn’t what I wanted!”

“Oh my god!” You exasperatedly yelled out grabbing your shoulder.

Adrian took a deep breath removing his suit. “What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna get undressed and I’m gonna crash on your couch we can talk in the morning.” You laughed a bit sarcastically. 

“No! I seriously don’t want you here right now-”

“I don’t care what you want. You’re hurt and I wanna make sure you’re okay.” You sighed looking away.

“Fine. Fine. Morning you’re gone though.”

“After we talk sure.”

“I don’t wanna talk to you!” Adrian approached you offering you a small smile. 

“See you say that but I know you do. You always wanna talk to me. Now let me help you pop your shoulder back in.” You relaxed a bit as he grabbed your arm.

“Fuck!” You yelped out as he pushed it in. Adrian winced himself hearing the crunch. “Mother fucker that fucking hurt!”

It was quiet between you both for a bit as you caught your breath feeling the pain go away. 

“Look..I really am sorry for messing up your thing and for having you get shot for me. I killed him because I was worried for you.”

“I’m sorry for calling you stupid. I told you not to worry for me though. I’m always fine. You said it yourself too. You hate my work.”

“I hate your work, but I don’t hate you. I want..I want you safe. It’s weird for me to say that, but I want no I need you fucking safe. I can’t have you hurt Y/N.”

“That’s selfish of you Adrian..”

“I know. So maybe I’m not a hero like you thought I was because I know I’d throw away the whole world if it meant you were okay.”

You huffed a bit glaring at him. Adrian smiled at you. “I hate you.”

“I know.”

“This doesn’t mean I’m not still mad at you.”

“I know.”

“God screw you for being fucking cute and likable!” You yanked him down for a kiss. Adrian smiled into your lips kissing you back.

“You screw up any of my jobs again and put yourself at risk like that again I will kill you!”

“Okay!” Adrian kissed you again.

“About what you said earlier too..I’m not a hero either I care for you just as much now take me to bed and screw me into the mattress!”

Adrian grinned throwing you over his shoulder. “With pleasure!”

I guess neither of you were heroes, but you both still did your best to do the right thing..

“I’m not sorry for killing him though.”

“I know you aren’t Adrian. I want you to be sorry for screwing me over!”

“I am sorry for that but I’ll kill whoever I need too for you to be safe.”

Again you both tried to do the right thing.

[slytherbun]

confession

pairing: jay halstead x reader

summary: you find yourself in some trouble while clearing a location with your partner jay.

word count: 2.8k

tags: @specialagentsoftie @fighterkimburgess @everythingaddictxx

note: different kind of pd fic then i'm used to but hope y'all like it! ☺

"we're eight minutes out. don't go in yet." voight said into the mic but you and jay had already entered a second too late.

jay's been your partner for almost a year now. the one he had before you was a blonde named hailey that took a position from the fbi.

when you first met him it was about a month after the previous detective left and you could tell he was obviously still in denial. you gave him space and only input your opinion about cases you worked on with intelligence.

it took about three weeks until he actually said anything besides the occasional comment. and he knew deep down that you weren't trying to replace her. but since you were together a lot during the week—jay couldn't help but make his own conclusion about you.

he started to open up more when he looked past the stubbornness after concluding that you were a decent person. for a moment there, you could have sworn he was having an out of body experience with how nice he started treating you.

jay started to invite you out to drinks on a periodic basis. he wanted to explore the possibilities of having you as his permanent partner. one night after a couple of drinks, jay was in a good mood and showed you a picture of his old partner.

the two of them were standing in front of their new work truck with bright smiles on their faces. he talked about her a lot after that night as a way of meeting you half-way. and by the end of that month—it was as if you physically knew her and who she was as a person.

the both of you hit it off pretty well and became friends. even as far as, having drinks every tuesday and thursday after work at molly's—the firefighter owned bar.

jay mumbled a curse at the order voight gave but it was already too late. "get behind me." he spoke in a hushed whisper. not wanting to argue in that particular moment you did as told.

detective halstead had his gun raised and in a firm grip around his fingers before stepping further into the house. you followed his position and warily stepped more into the creaky house.

luckily the both of you had vests already on and around your chests. the material easily gave you a visual view of his arm muscles around the freckles splayed across his biceps.

right away you spotted the cans of spray paint sitting on the concrete living room floors. crude words were traced along the four walls and you couldn't help but scrunch your nose at the horrid smell.

it only had you raising your pistol higher.

while you glanced around to survey the room closely, you couldn't help but notice the gang symbols that you were familiar with. due to the cpd database you knew at least three different affiliations drawn over the wood boarded windows.

the overused drug house looked like something out of a horror movie.

"clear." he grunted between paced cautious breaths and you continued to walk behind his careful steps around the garbage to venture into the main hallway of the house.

jay stopped at the entryway and you turned back around to double check the area once again while he scanned the front view where you and he needed to go.

both sides of the hallway were clear but he made sure his gun was raised and followed every inch of the hallway space that he inspected.

you felt a tap on your waist and turned back around to see jay was still facing forward. he probably hadn't noticed the spot he touched of your body but it still sent shivers down your spine with the intimacy of it.

but you pushed away the anxiousness to check and see what was bothering jay. the only thought you should be having right now is how to get out of the dangerous position.

the hallway was full of open and vulnerable space. a clear point of range that could be taken advantage of to take either you or jay out at any time.

jay was concerned for you. he couldn't help the anxious feeling that he had in the pit of his stomach. the unknowingness ahead in the crack house irked him greatly that he couldn’t predict what was about to happen.

the walls of the hallway smelled highly metallic and if that hadn't given it away, the walls were filled with fresh blood splatter. you gulped at the sight of the bright red handprints going down the length of the hall and glanced at jay from the corner of your eye with an eyebrow raised.

he sighed and nodded his head while pointing his gun to the left to signal the continuance of moving on. you bit the bottom of your lip and tipped your head to let him know you were ready to go.

turning your body in a three hundred sixty angle, you watched his back and felt the hairs on the back of your neck lift up in a static gesture. you could also feel goosebumps all over your arms and you just wanted to hurry up and get out of there.

it was truly the most awful scene you've ever been to. with everything you had—you kept yourself together and calm. your lips were in a straight line the whole time.

you should have known with the uneasy feeling that things were going wrong within a split second. and you were right because after jay turned just slightly he felt a gun being pressed against his forehead.

“put your guns down or else i’m going to blow his head off.” an angered voice said into the echoey hall.

not believing what was happening, you turned your body to survey the area and another man came into your view and held his gun higher. “‘tsk tsk’ miss. hand me that gun or else we’re going to have problems.” jay sighed from behind you and you rolled your eyes.

“i’m not putting down shit until you tell me your demands.” you said maybe a little too cockily but it was protocol.

voight had told the team plenty of times to stall and not give up your gun at first. in hopes that the other’s would show up and it would become a better outcome if you just continued talking to the person who was a threat.

a third one appeared and now you were officially outnumbered but you were still hoping they were dumber than they looked. the one that was pressing a firearm to your partner’s temple spit out, “listen lady. you either put your weapon down or else his brain matter will be just another body that was paved across the walls of this house.”

you tried to calculate in your head quickly if you should take the risk of surrendering. voight said they were eight minutes out. and if you’ve been in the house for almost four minutes now.

that was half the time left until they were going to show but then those few precious minutes would be enough time for literally anything.

sometimes you hated being a part of the police force. how could you ever know the correct answer and outcome within a split second of your life? could anybody be capable of that? whatever choice you decided to take would be the outcome.

you knew you wouldn’t be able to live without jay as your partner and in your life. and his blood would be on your hands if you didn’t surrender now. a shaky breath fell past your lips when you clicked the safety back on and handed it to one of them.

of course they used your gun against you and headbutted you with it. little black spots were in your vision before it completely knocked you out. you just hoped the intelligence team would be able to find you and jay.

it would be your fault and you’d feel guilty until your last breath if they didn’t.

you weren’t sure how much time had passed but a hard slap against your cheek woke you up. a blood trail still continued to trickle down your forehead and you winced at the feeling of an awful beating in your eardrums. “wake up sleeping bitch.”

you tried to speak but instead you coughed at the buildup in your throat. not being able to help yourself, in a snarky tone you replied. “i thought it was sleeping beauty?” that earned you another slap that ensured fingerprints across your cheek but you weren’t feeling any regret about it.

“now shut up and answer my next question.” he inputted before you could interrupt again. you looked at him with a devious grin and he rolled his eyes in annoyance. “what were you looking for in that house?”

when you leaned forward, you realized the reason why you couldn’t move was because your arms were tied behind your back. but nonetheless you leaned forward encroaching in his space enough to feel his breath span out against your red cheek.

“as if i’d tell you.” your defiance had him pushing your head back forcefully so you hit the concrete behind you, feeling as if a baseball bat hit your skull.

he smirked at your uncomfort. “perhaps a little visit with your boyfriend will help you come to understand that i don’t mess around. if you don’t give me an answer—my boys won’t hesitate to put a bullet straight through his head.” your only reply was a silent one.

spitting blood onto his shoes and he cursed before grinning again. “yeah that’s what i thought.” turning his head towards the door, he yelled. “bring the pretty boy in!”

your shoulders immediately dropped when they entered the room. the other two men from earlier were dragging jay into the room and disposed of his body roughly on the ground in front of you. if it weren’t for his chest rising up and down faintly then you would have thought he was dead.

both of his eyes were already swollen and you knew he would have two black eyes for weeks, dried blood dripped down his face and you didn’t even want to look at the rest of his body. despite the fact he was wearing clothes, you knew he had many internal problems that would need only the care a hospital could provide.

“j-jay?” you stuttered at the sight of him.

he kept blacking out and struggled to stay awake. jay had been counting his breaths to make sure he had enough air circulating through his body. cracked ribs were no joke and he could only groan to let his favorite person know that he was still holding on.

“you think beating people is the only answer? violence?” you glanced around the room and glared at the three with a venomous look. they shared similar smiles hearing how hoarse your voice was.

“i hope my team finds you all and you rot!” the two that brought jay in walked away and the one that talked to you a few moments ago stood and looked down at you. saying one more thing before walking out the door and shutting it. “and i hope next time i come in here—you’ll feel more generous and tell me what you were up to. if you don’t then our pretty boy here will die as promised.”

as soon as he left the room, you started rubbing your arms up and down the wall in hopes that the binds around your wrists would break off. “y/n.” jay mumbled. you didn’t even notice he had turned his face and you shushed him. “don’t open your eyes jay. it’ll be okay, i promise.”

he tried again. “y-y/n. i need to t-tell you something.” jay’s lip was busted and bruised. he hissed at the pain. “you don’t need to tell me anything. we’re getting out of here, detective halstead.” you stated with confidence and continued to run your hands up and down despite the sting of your wrists.

jay had a feeling earlier this morning that something bad would happen. his gut had told him something and he wished he hadn’t ignored it. but he can’t always follow everything, especially when they didn’t even have their case yet. but of course after finding out the hard way, this case was bad.

he knew it and it still put you in harm's way but jay had to tell you how he felt just in case it did go the way he was hoping it wouldn’t. “i don’t care if i need to keep my strength right now. listen to me please.” he pleaded and you finally stopped, turning to glance at his face.

jay was squinting and the visual of his state had your stomach churning.

“y/n i haven’t been completely honest with you and i need to tell you this. i’ve wanted to for a while now, but i just couldn’t find the right moment to.” it was getting to the point where you were desperately trying to keep together. and now that he wanted to confess a deep secret that he’s held close to his chest, the whole thing just had you hysterical.

jay frowned when you started laughing. he tried to scoot closer but the pain he felt was significant. it was just one of those situations where it wasn’t an appropriate response but you couldn’t help yourself either.

he noticed the tears falling down your cheeks while watching you quiet down. a reaction like this didn’t surprise your partner so he didn’t blame your outburst in the least. “i’m s-sorry. i’m sorry.” you muttered and tilted your head to both sides.

you looked back over to jay after successfully wiping more than half of the tears on your sleeve. and for a moment he just gazed into your eyes with his blue ones. a look that you couldn’t decipher nor describe appeared across his face but he seemed to snap out of whatever he was thinking.

jay cleared his throat and continued with what he was about to say earlier. “it’s okay y/n. but i need you to know that i don’t blame you in the slightest for what went down in that house. i would have done the same exact thing because i love you.”

it was like time stopped and you couldn’t speak even if you wanted to. after all of that time you spent with jay. him wanting nothing to do with you, then becoming your acquaintance, somewhat of a real friend and he loved you?

“you really love me?” you questioned. not being able to believe what was coming out of his mouth. you wondered if the three men drugged him and he was high or delusional. a grunt came out his mouth at the current aching pain he felt all over his body.

“yes y/n, i love you so much. if i could, i’d be over there right now and giving you a hug. then i’d lean down and give you a kiss that i’ve been wanting to give you for months now.”

that honesty from him had you laughing, “months? me too. i’ve wanted to kiss you for almost the whole year that i’ve known you.” you replied with the same amount of honesty he had given you.

“yeah, y/n. it’s probably going to be a year soon but i meant what i said. i really do love you and i’m sorry we’re in the situation that we’re in now. i wish i could protect you from this.” before you could reply the two of you heard gunshots outside of the room. “shit! i hope that’s them.” you mumbled and jay nodded as best as he could.

the door banged open and hit the wall. you almost peed your pants with how happy you were to see kevin and adam surveying the room. “clear!” kevin announced and then walked over to you and jay. adam spoke into the radio, “5021 ida. we have officers down and need two ambos rolled to our location.”

after kevin ripped the binds from your wrists, you crawled over to jay even though your arms were killing you. another tear fell down your cheek when you got up and close to him. he looked awful but now that the two of you were safe, he could begin to heal soon enough. “jay.” he made a ‘hmm’ sound due to the exhaustion he was feeling.

“i love you too.” you finally said and he smiled. you leaned down to brush your lips against his carefully. “after all of this is done. i’m going to give you a proper one.”

you winked and he grinned and responded while the medics rolled in. “we have plenty of time in the world now.”

[soft-boi-eli]

Helloo! Could I ask for cc!SBI x GN! Streamer Reader during TwitchCon (I'm not from the US nor Europe so I probs won't be able to go next year, but at least the thought of it seems nice)? Thanks, and remember to stay hydrated! <3

Yes. And I will keep hydrated. Sorry if it take a bit I want it to be as good as possible.

Pronouns:nonbinary

Tw: cussing, mentions of anxiety

Not proofread.

Why is there a tag limit of 30?

Best friends are family.

The flight over was he'll. Leaving you tired and jet lagged as you wandered the air port.

You were to meet up with four people. As you had been a part of a huge server with them.

Not only did you guys play minecraft together. You had streams where you just talk, anwser questions, play little games with them. Even just had one of your guys just talking to the other person while they streamed. It was the only relationship you had. They were your family. Well best friends.

But that doesn't matter right?

When you finally locked eyes with this brown haired guy, glasses, quite tall, looked quite like one of your four friends you immediately froze.

This was real. They weren't fake.

"Techno?" It was quite and was nearly drowned out by the sounds of the air port.

But the brunette looked your way. Eyes widening slightly as he had seen your face on face time before. You two were faceless streamers. Or nearly faceless. Only really showing your faces on huge achievements or to people you know. So most people didn't know what you looked like.

"(Y/n)?" Nodding to him you smiled under your mask.

He had a smile in his eyes as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder. "Let's get out of this crowd. Phil took tommy and wilbur outside since they had a long flight." you both weaved through people. "Understandable. I mean look how many people exsit here." You spoke.

With a chuckle he lead you to the exit. The two blondes and one brunette stood near the door, obviously kind of relived from being out of the crowd.

"Look who I found." Technos voice brought the other three to look in your direction. "Hey! (Y/n) have a nice flight mate?" Phil's question was heartfilled but honestly you didn't want to think of the horrid experience.

"Not too bad not too good. Hopped on the soonest plane. And dear God it was hell." It was obvious by your tone that you didn't want to speak about it. So they were quick to shift the subject.

"So the b&b you're staying at? Where is it?" You looked at tommy confused. Didn't he know that you all are going to the same b&b?

"Same one as us tommy. Did you even listen to us on the flight?" Wilbur spoke up before you could deliver your sarcastic comment.

"Really? Didn't expect that." Tommy seemed confuses. Rolling your eyes at the teen you spoke. "Ah yes let's send one of the most socially awkward people out to rent a room in a b&b alone. How smart." Getting the hint tommy chuckled at the sarcastic comment.

"Oh yeah. I forgot that you had that bad of anxiety." Looking back to him with a 'bitch really?' Look he laughed. "You forgot I had crippling anxiety. It took what? 5 months before I started to fully talk to all of you? It was literally just you guys talking to me until one day out of the blue I started talking back." As you spoke you guys got to technos car.

As techno had driven here he was the one that was driving you the the b&b. No need for rental cars.

"So, (y/n), Phil, tommy, wilbur. Have do you guys wanna pick up some food first? Or nah?" Techno was quick to ask. And having a hungry teen in the car it was automatically a yes.

The day flew by. Jokes were told, food was eaten. And naps were quick to happen.

But that all came to a hard stop. TwitchCon. You weren't on the main panel like most of the others. Having been just added and just climbing up. But you did have your own meet and greet station.

And that was enough to pick at your anxiety.

But you decided to breathe through it. Hoping to get through this and live another day.

What helped was the fact that not many people came up to you. Having no idea if you were the real one. But when you got to your booth hell rang loose. You were now confirmed to be the real you and people wanted autographs, photos, videos, little trinkets you ended up selling.

It was not as bad as you thought. Not many people pushing past your boundires.

"Omg it's (t/n)! (Twitch name) they are so cool can I go say hi!" The younger child was quick to rush up to you as their parents nodded.

"HI! I wanted to say i love you and your content! I was wondering if I could get an autograph. Also how do you do it? How do you look so genderless!" This child was going miles a minute and honestly it was one of the sweetest things. "Well it takes years of work and finding what's best. here's your autograph. Would you like a photo?" They nodded so fast it was almost like their head was going to fall off.

Laughing lightly you wrapped an arm around their shoulder and they wrapped theirs around yours.

Their parents were quick to snap a photo and call their child back to them. Not wanting to take up too much of your time.

And to you luck the four boys you were waiting for had arrived. Relife.

You smiled and waved them over. "(Y/n). You seem happy." Technos voice was calm.

"Just a very kind and energetic fan. It was nice too see someone like them." You looked in the direction of the kid. Noticing something you hadn't before. They were bald. Looked kind of sickly. And seemed kind of off. Excusing yourself you grabbed something from under your table. One of the many stuffed animals you had onder there with a embroidered signature from you. It was a little stuffed snow leopard.

Rushing to find the child you tapped their shoulder. Turning around they seemed confused. "(T/n)? What are you doing over here shouldn't you be over near your stand?" You smiled under your mask.

"You seem to be going through something and I wanted to make sure one of my number one fans had something special to make them feel better. Here you go. My channels mascot with an embroidered signature so you will always remember to fight on Cub." Your followers are known as your Cubs. And this one was a special one. They made your day.

Now it wastime for you to make their day.

With gentle hands they took the plush to their chest tears in their eyes. They latched onto you as they cried softly. Rubbing their back you saw the parents tearing up. Their mother pulled her mask down mouthing thank you then pulling it back up quickly.

Nodding gently you hug the child lightly. Letting go slowly you look at them. "I belive in you. So you take these words. Fight on. Never give up. You are one of the strongest people I have seen alright? You're gonna make it through this no matter what." Patting their head you smiled as they nodded.

There was a new spark in their eye.

This powerful Cub. Phil and the other came up behind you. "Hey there mate. Having a good time?" The child seemed so happy.

This is what you guys were here for. To see these joyful expressions. To make your fans happy. To give them some kind of escape.

There was no way you'd let anything get between you and your fans. No matter what.

I needed wholesome.

So I apologize for this taking so long but I was stressed about other things and that caused a chain reaction in my life. But next week I should start school so that's a plus.

Also when I do start school again imma be working slower. And I do apologize about that.

I'll try my best to get more of these out. So E.

Anyways hoped you enjoyed.

-Eli out!!

[babyboibucky]

Project V: Pierced

Pairing: College!Bucky x Fem!Reader

Summary: Bucky convinces you to get matching nipple piercings.

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: Smut, unprotected sex, mention of oral, piercing pain lmfao, these two being dumbasses as usual

A/N: Maaaaaaaan, seeing Seb with them piercings really hyped me up to write shit lmfao

Project V Masterlist ||  MAIN MASTERLIST

“Let’s get matching something.”

Bucky proposed as he lounged on your bed, his notes against his chest. You just got out of the shower, a towel wrapped around your chest with water droplets dripping from your neck down to your cleavage. You saw how Bucky’s eyes followed the droplets until it disappeared into your towel.

“Matching what?” You asked and started applying lotion all over your body.

Bucky’s ears turned red as he watched your hands slide up from your calf up to your thighs, the hem of your towel riding up a bit to expose your skin beneath. You snapped your fingers right in his face and made a face, “My eyes are up here, why the fuck are you so horny all the time?” you complained.

“You’re in a fucking towel and I can literally see your pussy from here. Of course I’m gonna feel horny!” he defended. “Anyway, matching something. What do you think?” Bucky asked again, turning to his side as he watched you continue with your post-shower routine.

You shrugged, “How about bracelets? Rings?” you suggested as you slipped on your underwear.

“Too basic.” Bucky said.

“Matching tats?” you asked and then gasped when an idea struck you. “Get a tattoo of my pussy and I’ll have your dick inked on my butt cheek.”

Bucky deadpanned at you, “Are you for real?” he asked. “Also, I don’t want matching tattoos. It’s too common. And Steve and Sam got matching tattoos. We gotta stand out ‘cause we’re not just regular best friends.” he explained, finally sitting up on your bed.

You were now clad in a loose shirt and skipped on the shorts. Turning around to face Bucky, you placed your hands on your hips. “You’re just jealous that Steve decided to get matching tats with Sam and not you.” you teased and sat down next Bucky on your bed.

Bucky rolled his eyes, “Whatever.” he dismissed and thought about what else the both of you can get.

You were combing your hair when Bucky found himself staring at your tits, noticing your pebbled nipples straining through the thin fabric of your shirt.

And then had a eureka moment.

“Let’s get our nips pierced!”

-

“Can I still back out?” you asked, tugging Bucky’s hand as the both of you entered the tattoo parlor.

You refused to get your nipples pierced, you clearly remembered shooting that idea down as soon as Bucky suggested it. But Bucky, Bucky, Bucky...he had a way with his words and his tongue that made you cry out yes to his suggestion.

Fucking Bucky and his talent at cunnilingus. If that man tried to convince you to help him hide a dead body by eating you out, you would’ve started digging a grave as soon as he was done with you.

He was that good at it.

“Pussy.” Bucky teased.

“Using ‘pussy’ as an insult doesn’t make any sense because this pussy can take a pounding. You should know that better than anyone.” you spat back with a scowl.

Bucky frowned at you, “Okay, fine. I take that back. But no one’s backing out. C’mon, we’d be the coolest BFFs in town with these piercings.” he insisted.

You were about to retort back but was immediately cut off when a guy called both your names, confirming the appointment that was made a week ago. Bucky took your hand and pulled you with him further into the parlor, leaving you with no choice but to give in.

“Alright, so nipple piercings huh?” the guy asked. “Are we gonna do both...or?”

You raised your hand, “What’s the aftercare like?” you went straight to the point.

“Oh well, just don’t touch it for as long as you can. It takes about 6 months to a full year for it to completely heal. Wear a cotton bra or skip on it if possible. Try not to tug at the piercings so when doing the nasty, try not to include the nipples.” he explained so casually.

You turned to Bucky, “When doing the nasty, try not to include the nipples. You sure about this, Buck?” you asked, knowing how much Bucky loved playing with your tits during sex.

Bucky swallowed, “For how long should we avoid the nipple play?” he asked shamelessly.

“Couple of months to a full year.”

“Fuck!” Bucky hissed, ignoring how the piercer burst out laughing at his disappointment.

“So what? We still gonna do this or?” you asked.

Bucky pondered for a couple of seconds before letting out a sigh, “I really want us to be the coolest BFFs out there.”

-

The both of you decided to show off the piercings back at the dorm, wanting it to be a moment of surprise. The Uber ride was quiet for some reason, tension thick in the air.

“You screamed like a bitch back there.” you said, finally breaking the silence.

Bucky looked offended when he snapped his head towards you, “My pain tolerance is low, okay?” he excused. “And it really did hurt. At least I didn’t whimper like a whore.” he said.

It was true though, you did whimper like a whore getting fucked by three dicks all at once. You always thought you tolerated pain pretty well, getting a Brazilian was a regular thing for you and it never made you flinch. Nipple piercings though? Jesus fucking christ, you couldn’t even explain how much it fucking hurt.

You laughed sarcastically at Bucky’s rebuttal, “Better than screaming as if you were being pegged with no prep.”

As soon as you arrived at Bucky’s dorm, he scrambled to lock the door in hopes of Steve not coming home any time soon. He’d already seen you wearing Bucky’s boxers, he doesn’t need to see the both of you showing off your newly pierced nipples at each other.

“Okay. You ready?” Bucky asked as he stood in front of you.

“On three.” you said before starting off the countdown.

As soon as the countdown was over, Bucky reached for his shirt from behind, removing it at the same time you removed yours, followed by the thin bralette you wore underneath.

“Oh my god, we actually did it.” you snorted, looking closely at the ball closure ring that Bucky went for.

“Shit, I didn’t know you got straight barbells on yours.” Bucky asked, his eyes glued on your slightly red nipples. “Fuck, your tits look so good with piercings.” he grunted breathlessly.

You licked your lips and groaned at the confession you were about to make, “Look, I’m gonna be honest. I’m so fucking turned on right now.”

Bucky groaned, “Me too. Jesus, I thought I was gay because I got an erection when the dude pierced my first nipple. I mean, he was pretty handsome too.”

“I’m sure we can fuck but we just have to avoid the nips so just hit me from the back.” you said and quickly shimmied off your pants together with your panties.

Bucky rushed to remove his and went over to his bed, kneeling behind as you positioned yourself on all fours. You got so wet at the thought of Bucky’s nipples having piercings that you didn’t need that much foreplay to get ready. Bucky slid his fingers along your folds, gathering more wetness from your entrance before smearing it.

“Fuck, just get on with it!” you moaned and gripped the bedsheets tightly.

Bucky jerked his cock a couple of times before finally sliding easily into your cunt. He choked on his moan at the feeling of your velvety walls clenching around his hard cock. He had been hard too on the way home, no wonder there was tension in that Uber ride.

“Go fast and hard, I’m not gonna last.” you urged, pushing your ass back to meet Bucky’s thrusts.

Placing a hand on your neck and the other on your waist, Bucky fucked you the way you wanted. Thank goodness you started taking pills because Bucky didn’t have the patience to even put a condom on. He felt like he was going to nut as soon as his eyes landed on your pierced nipples, so perky and still swollen.

“Oh shit, fuck. I’m so fucking horny.” Bucky said, his jaw tensing as he watched your ass bounce every time he slammed back inside of you.

A couple more thrusts and your entire body trembled, a soft moan slipping past your lips when you came hard. Even without being touched, your nipples felt sensitive because of the piercings, the sensation only adding to your pleasure when you reached your orgasm.

“Shit, fuck. I gotta see those tits bounce. I can’t cum without seeing them.” Bucky said and pulled out to gently turn you around.

Now on your back with your legs spread open, Bucky slipped inside and continued to fuck you. His hands gripped the pillow beneath your head for leverage as he jackhammered you onto the bed, your hands finding purchase on his broad shoulders as you felt another orgasm approach you.

You lifted your head up to meet Bucky’s lips in a kiss, moaning into his mouth when you felt the tip of his cock kiss your cervix. Your vision blacked out momentarily when you came for the second time. Just as when you regained your senses, Bucky got lost in his own orgasm that he completely forgot about the piercings. He grabbed your left breast and pinched your nipple, your scream joining his loud moan when he came.

“Fucking hell, Bucky!” you cried out, the pain too much to bear that you also didn’t notice that your hand clawed at Bucky’s right pec with your middle finger getting caught in his piercing, accidentally ripping it out in the process.

“Motherfucker!”

-

“What the hell happened? Are you both okay?!” Steve worriedly asked as soon as he arrived at the ER of a nearby hospital.

Upon getting Bucky’s voicemail about rushing to the hospital, Steve panicked and went there as soon as he could. He had been Bucky’s emergency contact for a long time now and he was used to receiving calls from police stations due to how often Bucky got himself in trouble, especially when drunk. But Bucky calling, sounding like he was in immense pain, telling him that he needed to go to the hospital?

It was the first time it ever happened so it was understandable for Steve to panic like a husband who got a call informing him that his wife was going into labor.

You and Bucky exchanged glances, faces red from embarrassment before nodding.

“We’re good.” you curtly responded, scratching your neck.

“What happened?” Steve asked again, brows furrowing as he looked at you and Bucky alternately.

You nudged Bucky’s ribs with your elbow, widening your eyes at him as you urged him to do the explaining.

“We uh...werippedouteachothersnipplepiercings.” he murmured to himself.

Steve frowned, “I didn’t catch a word that you said.”

“We ripped out each other’s piercings by accident.” you repeated, clearly and slowly this time.

“Did your earlobes get ripped off or what?” Steve asked, taking a closer look at both your ears.

Confusion washed over his face when he noticed that your ear piercings were still intact and that Bucky didn’t even have his ears pierced. Steve straightened up and crossed his arms over his chest, looking at the both of you like a reprimanding father.

“What did the two of you do this time?”

A nurse stepped into the scene and offered Steve a kind smile before turning to you and Bucky, handing over a prescription.

“Make sure to follow the instructions when applying the ointment and both your nipples should heal properly.” she explained before walking out.

“Nipples?!” Steve gasped out.

Bucky sighed but shrugged in response, “At least we’re the coolest BFFs out there with matching nipple piercings.”

-

Everything Bucky Tag List:

@ddowii @jessou893 @stealapizzamyheart @bagelofthelord @mxnt @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable @jeeperky @ohladymacbeth @wildflowergubler @supraveng @twinerd14 @buckysmar @bakugouswh0r3 @sweetcoldharmony @wintersfilm @charminivy @amelia-song-pond​ @iamvalentinaconstanza @mcubqrnes @im-squished @tcc-gizmachine​ @sipsteacasually​ @prettyintopeerpressure​ @weloveyasmin​ @est19xxshit​ @bloodhon3yx​ @dressed-in-prada​ @lizette50​ @thatfangirl42​ @sunflowerbunny2​ @unmagically​ @okiegirl24​ @sugarpunch-princess​ @enlyume​ @vvipgotbb @slimeyderp​ @lyoongx​ @just-deka​ @nobody-will​ @jaziona92 @elisebuitron​ @dpaccione​ @suvikamahes98blr​ @buckybarneshairpullingkink​ @earthtonav @x-judyjude-x​ @nani-kenobi @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @belladonnabarnes​ @iloveangstposts​ @weenersoldierr​ @asemistablehundredyearoldman​ @reidbuck​ @lizzarooni​ @girlfriday007​ @bonkywobble​ @lost-in-the-stars03​ @its-yasbxtch​ @whoth3hellisbucky

[studiojeon]

troubled outsiders | intro - jjk

| summary | -  how you two end up pining for each other.

warnings: none :) 

content: idol!jungkook x student!oc, friends to lovers (because it’s THE superior trope okurrrt), jungkook is quiet and shy but a social butterfly when needed (and when it comes to oc but you’re not supposed to know that yet), oc is both a badass and a socially akward queen, she has TWO friends and only because one is dating the other (like... same), the Lee Charyeong is her bestie, oc works at bighit and feels like everyone either fears her or hates her, author nim is a crackhead and has no plot planned for this series whatsoever (doesn’t know if she’ll keep this up, we’ll see).

words: 1.93 k

His presence was overwhelming, to say the least. Even if he were surrounded by six hundred other equally handsome men, somehow, to you (and the majority of the female population, at that point) he was as captivating and magnetic as they come. Jeon Jungkook didn't pay no mind to no one, but sure as hell everyone became hyper aware of his existence and essence in time. And that didn’t exclude you.

Yet, as nonchalant and indifferent as the man could be perceived, in reality he was more considerate and friendly than the aura he exuded. You knew this because working in the same company had to teach a thing or two about the people who literally carried said company and the whole industry at some point, still you barely knew four or three people, including your assistant and Jungkook, whom you had met once.

The opportunity of working at the company had come to you out of the blue, quite literally, you were attempting to send one of your assignments in when an email appeared in your notifications during your sailor moon study break. 

HYBE Entertainment

We’re glad to inform you that you’re being recruited for the position of Logistics Manager in one of our sub companies, BIGHIT Entertainment. We’ve thoroughly looked through the CV you’ve submitted and are very interested in your capabilities and what you can contribute to our organization. One of our other managers will gladly meet you on a day you can both agree on. Make sure to answer this email to get more details about your interview.

“Nani!? THE FUCK?” sure as hell that your eyes and cognitive functions were deceiving you (ADHD) you went over the text a little over three times in a row before the message settled in your mind. This was sus. 

Before even considering a reply you made a quick call. “Fucking Lee Chaeryeong” you spat on your end of the line. “You did this, didn’t you?”.

Her silence was more than enough to have you cursing her under your breath. “I don’t know what exactly you’re talking about but it most likely was me. Does it have to do with a sex toy in particular?”

“No” you denied almost monotonously, guessing the pile of boxes in the corner of your room with her names on them was what she referred to. “Does anything come to mind if i mention BIGHIT FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT?”

It was her. All those conversations during the summer about how badly you wanted to work in the entertainment business as marketing staff of some sort had their effect on your friend, who, despite all your excuses and denials, knew you better than you and your mom combined did, and because of this, was sure as hell you were not making a move towards that goal whatsoever. So, being the boss bitch she was, she took matters into her own hands, was what she explained.

You concluded that was the reason you had reached a point in your life where you had more experience than most recently graduated kids in your field, because Chaeryeong had you moving every summer break. You had been the manager of a coffee franchise and convenience store during you junior and senior years, and also figured a way to improve the marketing management strategy of a fucking restaurant while at it. Not to toot your own horn, but you were kind of cool.

Or not. “I hope this job satisfies your workaholic ass for once, I’m running out of ideas”. Chaeryeong spat before hanging up.

Sure as hell it would. 

On friday afternoon, you made your way to the HYBE INSIGHT building and introduced yourself to your recruiters who promised to give you a call at some point. “It went fine” you told Chaeryeong once you were in your car. And it was the truth, however you weren’t so sure if they would actually hire you at some point since well, you were a girl in a male dominated industry and, in your opinion, there were always better people than you. “Wanna go grab coffee?”

“I want to. But, I have practice today. I’m actually on my way there. Please avoid driving through Hongdae today, this shit’s packed.” You sighed and thanked her for the heads up. You missed your friend, badly. You hadn’t seen each other in three weeks, and you didn’t even live so far away from each other (you did, but it had been worse before). You two had very agitated lives to say the least. Chaeryeong was a kpop group member, and well, you were jumping from job to job and getting your phD in Business Management at the same time. It was hard to find moments to spare together during some periods of the year, but you guess the anticipation made your encounters better.

“Talk about anticipation” you slammed your forehead against your desk, taking a breather after such an anxiety packed situation. Short story: you got the job (for some fucking reason). And you had gone through a whole week of expectancy and anguish. Not getting that job would have broken your heart, and ego at the same time. 

You guessed the law of attraction tactics Chaeryeong had taught you had sorted their effect and were what led you to your current position in life.

“Miss _____, your presentation’s ready” your work assistant gave you a comforting pat in the back as she took a seat somewhere next to you. You were nervous, shitless. It was your fifth week at the job, and being the proactive woman you were, you had collected lots of data in order to come up with a resources management plan.

It was a Thursday afternoon, and more than a hundred people sat in front of you, waiting for your speech. Including him, who you’d once bumped into accidentally during one of your data recollections runs inside the building. 

You hated having the need to impress others yet, hence your anxious behaviour. But this was a decisive moment in regards to your validation in your new job and how you’d continue to be perceived during your work stance (no reason to panic at all)… you needed to get it together.

“I think I just pissed off a bunch of old men right now,” you told your assistant right after you got off stage. “I need a bathroom break”. Linh gave you a reassuring smile, one she always had plastered on her face.

“Take as long as you need to. I’ll give you a call once the rest are done”.

The commute to the bathroom was unnecessarily complicated in your opinion. You had spent a little over a month rushing through the hallways of the building and you swore every single day your spatial orientation got a bit more fucked up. There was no way there wasn’t a single bathroom on the floor you were in, that would just be atrocious. “It’s not completed yet” someone said beside you as you stared at the half empty map the company had projected on a wall next to the elevators. “Where do you need to go?” 

Kim Taehyung of all people in the world was talking to your ugly and unworthy ass. Your breath caught in your throat and after staring for at least five seconds your body finally reacted to your orders. “Oh, um… the bathroom. I’ve been looking for it for a good ten minutes” you explained with a nervous laugh.

“Trust me, I get it. I still get lost over here” he smiled gently. “It’s in the hallway in the middle of the next hallway” 

You laughed at his very ambiguous explanation. “Thank you” you bowed your head and made your way to said destination.

It was in the hallway to your left, not your right, and it took you a while to figure out that new piece of information. Once you were staring at yourself in the mirror, you realized that you looked considerably tired and exhausted from all the social interaction you had undergone throughout the day. You were used to the side stares and whispering you’d get whenever you entered a room at that point, but some days you just wished you could get a break from them. After all, it wasn’t your fault you didn’t look Korean at all, and that you also didn’t fit the stereotype of a foreigner.

You got that from your mom, both the non Korean features and social fatigue. But that wasn’t even the problem most of the time, it was your friendly and smart nature which she had also passed onto you. Some would consider it a blessing, but to you it was a burden, like a clear glass that shielded you from introducing yourself into other people’s realities. You had few friends and people to trust, but in your everyday life you had to deal with the pressure of standing out too much and that came with a lot of negative energy from others. You sigh as you spray your favorite fragrance on yourself. You could be feeling like shit, but no one will ever catch you slipping.

But that excluded him apparently. You hadn’t noticed that on the other side of the hallway was the men’s bathroom and the realization hit you as you were calmly getting some tea from the vending machine. “Good afternoon” the man greeted you as he made his way out the hallway, but stopped in his tracks right after he noticed you. “_____! Hi” he smiled at you and you wanted to die, suddenly forgetting what you were ordering in the first place.

“H-hi Jungkook” You smiled back, poorly attempting to put your wallet back into your backpack. 

“Need help there?” he noticed your agitated state and held your bag for you. He smelled just as heavenly as you had expected, somewhat between big dick energy and flowers. Oh, and he also remained as kind and polite as you remembered him.

Seeming as if he wasn’t planning on continuing his path to wherever he was heading to in the first place, he stood quietly by your side, waiting for you to be done with your deal. “How have you been?” you break the ice for him.

Quickly, you grab your tea and start walking back to the auditorium together, unaware of your surroundings or the suspicions that could arise. “Busy, but very good. How have you been? I saw your presentation earlier… I wish I understood half of what you said but you still sounded amazing”.

And you would never admit it out loud, but you were positive you were blushing (and falling in love too - platonically, of course). “Oh god, you think so? I basically told them they’ve been doing things wrong all along so maybe you’re the only one who’s appreciative of my work” you handed him the second can of iced tea you bought without him noticing. You swear his eyes lit up like stars in the night sky. “Payback for the other day” you smile at him.

The first time you two had crossed paths you didn’t look nearly as glamorous as you did now. In fact, you looked incredibly disturbed and in pain, carrying a huge pile of paperwork in your hands. But as soon as sweet Jungkook noticed your state, he offered you a hand and somehow ended up helping through your multiple data collecting trips that afternoon. It was a nice day.

“Anytime” he took the can in his hands with a shy look on his face. “Unless I’m practicing, you know…” you look down at his feet, with huge black boots engulfing them, and you smile due to their contrast with his personality. “Here, i’ll give you my number so you can call me whenever you need to put all those papers back. Hopefully I’ll be around” he added as he pulled his phone from his back pocket.

Way to get a girl’s number, my god.