#it literally just cuts to them losing (which i like that they lost but cmon?)

[perenlop]

I THOUGHT THIS WAS AN EDIT

[dreaminglonger2nite]

My Supernatural Finale Thoughts

After taking a couple days to think and digest the Supernatural finale (and basically cry nonstop for 3 days), the more and more I believe it was absolutely perfect. It’s literally exactly how I believed the series would end and in following the show for the last 10 years, I truly believe this is the best ending for all the characters. At the end of the day, the show is about SAM & DEAN. And to have an entire episode focused on wrapping up their story is all any of us should’ve been happy with:

- Did any of us honestly think Dean was going to survive the end of the show? I don’t know how many times it was mentioned that Dean knew he was going to die fighting and that he didn’t see an end to hunting as a reality in his life. He always wanted Sam to get out and while there continued to be a big bad every season, there was no opportunity to stop. Once they defeated Chuck, there was some semblance of peace, but obviously still monsters and obviously still a chance they both could meet their end sooner rather than later which is exactly what happened. There is no way in any reality Dean would’ve been happy doing something else and selfishly did I want to see Dean grow old with Sam? Of course. But was it realistic? Not at all.

- Also, Dean didn’t die by a rusty nail and it pisses me off that people continue to minimize this. He died because a long thick piece of rebar stabbed him in the back, obviously puncturing something major, his heart or lungs due to how quick he died. It also was at an angle so who knows exactly what it hit. He felt like he couldn’t move off of it without falling apart so it wasn’t something small. The piece actually looked long enough that I thought it almost went all the way through. Poor Dean :(

- Also, what could’ve been more fitting for him to die by? Obviously this entire time there has been some divine intervention by Chuck keeping them alive but now that Chuck is gone, there was nothing keeping something like that from happening. I mean, how many times on hunts are they an inch away from death and yet somehow pull through? Yes you can argue that Dean has beat pretty much Heaven and Hell and everything in between but how would that have looked if finally one of those big bads defeated Dean? This way, Dean didn’t lose to the enemy, or his lack of strength, he literally lost to bad circumstances. Their environment they were fighting in had numerous dangerous spots and unfortunately Dean fell victim to his surroundings. I don’t look at this as “omg a nail beat Dean Winchester?” I look at it as something out of his control finally won out and that’s not Deans fault. Bad place, bad time. And it parallels Sam’s death in season 2, the saddest and most impactful death of the series.

- I absolutely loved the speech to Sam and making him promise to keep fighting and living and carrying out the legacy they had both created. Sam had the ability to move on and attempt a normal life (remember when Dean went to purgatory?). There is no way in hell that it would’ve worked the other way around. Dean cannot live without Sam. This has been established time and time again. But Sam also kept a piece of himself separate and this is what allowed him to keep Deans promise and live for himself. He always wanted Sam to live a long life and he kept Deans lasting wish.

- As far as the lack of Cass, I mean cmon. Yes we all love Cass but I felt his story ended already. He died saving Dean and that was fitting for his character. Seeing anyone else in this finale that wasn’t laser focused on Sam and Dean would’ve cheapened it. He was a beloved, fan favorite character, but at the end of the day the heart and soul of this show is between the Winchesters and if this truly is the last time we see them together on screen, I don’t want anything else. Could they have mentioned him a bit more, absolutely. That was actually a large criticism of mine that we didn’t get a lot of grieving, but we know Sam and Dean feel it and it affects them everyday.

- Don’t @ me about Destiel. I don’t care if you ship them, everyone is free to do what they want and ship who they want but it really had no place in this finale and if you can’t see past that, I think you miss the point of the show altogether.

- Seeing Dean in heaven, finally getting the peace he deserves literally broke me into pieces. Knowing he had to wait for his brother to fully accept it was fitting. He finally gets to be with family and friends and his Baby and when the time comes, his brother. But he’s fine to wait, he knows Sam is living and that’s all he ever wanted. And when Sam finally arrives, he knows this is forever and he will never have to worry again. Cut to me crying all the tears.

- Seeing how strong Sam was literally had me sobbing and was such a change to earlier seasons Sam who either turned into a robot hunter or an angry, revengeful drunk when he lost Dean. He has grown so much and the strength it must’ve taken to move on, have a family, have photos and momentos everywhere reminding him of the family he lost would be heartbreaking. We all know that a large part of Sam died when Dean did but somehow he was able to pull through and make something different out of his life and grief. He did feel Dean with him everyday and he knew they would be reunited someday together. The ultimate sacrifice but a blessing in disguise. Sam was able to continue the Winchester legacy and who knows what his son was doing with his life. Perhaps he inherited the bunker and Baby and signed his own initials next to his family. Maybe he saves people too.

- Sam has always been my favorite character, I definitely consider myself a Sam girl. And I am so happy he got the chance to live a happy, apple pie life as much as he possibly could in his grief. When they showed him breakdown in the impala, I know he felt Dean on the other side right there with him. Not only did he miss him so much but also the old life he used to live, saving people and hunting things next to his big brother in his home on the road. I wonder how often he visited Baby just to try and conjure up those memories of Dean and his friends and his old life he said goodbye to. Almost as if this was Deans grave where he could go to feel close to him and maybe talk to him.

- When Sam died and that haunting cover of Carry On My Wayward Son started playing, I lost it again. I didn’t want to see Sam die, and knowing this was permanent as well was heartbreaking. But also being aware that meant Sam was so close to seeing Dean again made it all okay. It was okay for him to finally let go and get his much deserved peace. He wouldn’t have to suffer anymore and that’s perfect.

Basically this entire episode I cried from start to finish. I thought it was a beautiful finale with callbacks, funny movements, heartbreaking moments, Sam and Dean brotherly love, and finally an ending to this Winchester saga. I always worried how they might decide to end the show. Would they both die bloody? Lose the war? Both live long lives and die in a nursing home? Become monsters? One of the many endings of Chuck? But in the end, this is the best ending they could’ve given us and I really believe that. I know the creative team worked their asses off trying to find a way to end this 15 year journey and I really don’t envy them and that stress but I feel like this felt like Supernatural and really narrowed down the heart and soul of this show. Take everything else out, all the other characters, and you will always have Sam and Dean, the best platonic love story there is. What better way to end than to give them peace and togetherness for all eternity. They have certainly earned it.

Thank you Jared and Jensen for your undying support for these characters and never giving up on this story. Your portrayal has moved me and changed my life. 💕

[extremelyblackandwhite]

seb & y/n have an age gap and his friends are very wary of her until they witness the way she takes care of him and always puts his needs first

i’m a sucker for age gaps imagines ... maybe bc i tend to fancy men older than me but we won’t psychoanalyse me right now

sebastian met y/n while shooting for monday in greece

she was on holiday with a group of friends celebrating her university graduation and some had managed to score a role as extras in a party scene in the movie

he first saw her standing against one of he prop tables, shyly following directions from the director

she wasn’t loudly dressed, in all honesty she could’ve easily blended with the other girls but sebastian swore that slip black dress was the most beautiful thing a person could wear

she was looking around, uncomfortable with the whole scene as her friends relished in being “girl in party #23″ in a big movie yet sebastian could help but take his eyes off her

he wanted to introduce himself to her badly yet as he gathered the courage he was immediately told to get on scene

now sebastian is an experienced actor, he knows better than to be distracted but he couldn’t help but glance at her, standing so close yet to far, fake drink in her hand

as the director yelled cut he jumped from where he was standing like a predator looking for its pray. 

he told himself to calm down as he headed her way, enchanted by the way she smiled at her friends

her friends seemed to be the first ones to notice him walking their way, looking entirely starstruck by one of the main’s star’s presence

however, it was y/n’s best friend who noticed the man’s gaze completely locked on y/n 

“hey we should go check the snack bar” “i don’t know guys, we really should go back to the resort. i’m tired and these shoes are killing me” “we’ll be right back, y/n” 

the girl sighed, wishing the fake drink was a real one and not just a prop glass with dried glue passing off as prosecco 

she looked down at her shoes wondering why she had thought they were a comfortable option

reaching down she grabbed one of the heels and pulled the strap off, taking it off, her feet touching the old made out of tiny little cubes next to each other side walk

yet, as she leaned to grab the other heel, the heel got stuck on the stone making her lose her balance

as she prepared to make contact with the ground (and regretted her shoe size even more) someone caught her 

she looked up to see none other than the main star of the same movie she had just extra-ed for

“oh dear” she was quickly on her feet, despite one being bare and the one stil wearing the heel “oh my god, i am so so sorry mr. stan” 

meanwhile sebastian is thanking the universe for throwing her in his arms ... literally

“i am so sorry, my heel got stuck on the sidewalk. i was trying to take them off and i lost balance, they’re really cute but they’re so so so uncomfortable and i am sorry that i ...” “i’m sebastian”

y/n furrowed her eyebrows at him “i mean, i’m sebastian, thank you for being in the movie” “i’m y/n, thank you for having us. my friends have delusions of grandeur”

sebastian is immediately charmed by her and of course he shows her around

he shows her all the most beautiful spots in greece and oh boy is he excited when she tells him she lives in ny

things went quite quickly for the two of them but it just felt right and after 5 months he asked her to move into his apartment

things were good ... well, they weren’t for his friends

his friends hadn’t formally met her but they had seen him around with her at some dinners and they were wary

first she was much younger than him, in her mid 20s while he was pushing 40 which was already a big red flag 

after she moved in they were entirely sure she was a gold digger only with him for a good apartment in soho and the perks that came with being sebastian stan’s girlfriend

sebastian would mostly dismiss their comments, a bit upset they even refused to met y/n

this all changed before he left to shot the devil at all time

in order to gain weight, seb was pretty much giving in too all his cravings so he decided to go to a big dinner with his friends and took y/n with him

she smiled politely as he introduced her to each and every friend of his

as the food started coming in, y/n gave sebastian a look that was much too familiar to him

“oh cmon love, don’t give me that look” “seb” “you know i gotta do it” “but in two weeks? it’s not good for you”

his friends merely rolled their eyes at her, she probably didn’t want to date an old fat man

the dinner kept going and she just stared at her food, trying not to upset his friends until sebastian suggested they go for a little drink sessions at his house

things were going well until he started feeling bad and rushed over to the bathroom

y/n stopped what she was doing to go after him, kneeling by his side as he threw up the night’s contents

“love, you should go to sleep, you have an early shift” “it’s okay, coffee can solve any lack of sleep” “no, love, you really need to sleep” 

“this is not doable, seb” “i don’t wanna lose the role” “you’re not gonna lose the rule and i understand trying to make the director happy but i will not watch you waste away because of this. they can do that with prosthetics and makeup.” “y/n” “don’t y/n me, you know i would love it if you weren’t the healthiest one in the house for once but you need to be healthy” “you sure you just don’t wanna date a fat man?” “i would date you at any shape, seb”

safe to say his friends weren’t wary of her ever again

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 28

catch me completely ignoring dark cybertron lmao

yeahhhh so I'm just gonna skip dark cybertron bc no thanks. I did read the tf wiki articles for the issues tho, which is more than I did in the past, so at least now I kinda know what happened, though I had to suffer thru reading about dark cybertron to learn stuff about it. yikes. reading ABOUT dark cybertron further enforced my decision to not actually read thru it

anyways. the best part of dark cybertron was when chromedome threw prowl off that cliff. that was baller lmfao

a 1 page recap of dark cybertron is about all I can handle. thank you

ooh, the 6 months later smash-cut, I fucking love itttt

nautica’s here!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy I love her. also brainstorm, and I love their friendship sm

hvbjdkhfbshdfj god I love them. they have such a fun dynamic 

everyone eavesdropping on a therapy session vhbhdjkhafbhkjsdf. hipaa laws mean nothing as usual 

the casual reveal of captain megatron, oh god 

the title fucking slaps, as usual. this is one of my favorites - ‘world, shut your mouth.’ great stuff, and a song title/reference to boot! and this being part 1: towards peace...chefs kiss

and then we flash back to 6 months earlier...yknow now that I'm rereading this, mtmte has a LOT of framing devices used - there's story-within-a-story, flashback/flash-forwards, storytelling with narration, etc...I love it

god hbvhjakdfbshjkdf rodimus saying ‘magic’ and then the little *magic = science rodimus doesn't understand HBGKJHSDBFKHJSDF my idiot boy ily

rodimus roasting prowl is my fav hbfjdkafshsbjkf ‘maybe the knights can help us find a cure for your personality’ ily sm

and then prowl agreeing w/rodimus a few panels later about megatron’s guilt...

optimus...don't you think that making yourself chief of justice is...maybe a bad idea...like, maybe there's a conflict of interests here...just a little bit of bias...a bit too much history, perhaps...

the fact that all the big roles in the trial were given to high-ranking autobots who were heavily involved in the war...I see that cybertrons justice system is as much of a farce as their medical ethics and patient confidentiality laws 

the ‘you BROKE the MATRIX’ panel is so good bjhkdhfbajskhdf

rodimus: LISTEN dad I just wanna resume my space cruise with my frat bro ship I have no interest in politics

psychiatrists HATE him! local former warlord refuses to recognize the validity of psychological analyzation of people’s actions

ravage casually breaking hipaa laws and chilling in megatron’s therapy session like >:3

I love rung...he’s so good at like, passive-aggressively cutting right to the heart of someone’s issues, and he’s so generally mild that you can’t even really get mad at him 

the sudden inclusion of megatron as a major character in mtmte is kinda jarring at first - mostly, for me at least, due in part because I didn't read dark cybertron so this is like, megatron’s introduction as a relevant character in general - but I feel like jro does a great job laying a lot of intrigue down from the very beginning w/his character - like, I already want to know more about what his whole deal is, even though we have, ostensibly, seen pretty much all of his story play out already 

rung name-dropping froid...i remember that made me lose my shit bc cmon. FROID....jesus christ

rung and megatron: holy shit! we’re suddenly being drawn in a 90s-esque sci-fi tron-looking retro-futuristic style!

interesting that megatron sought rung out, and not the other way around

RIPTIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my favorite sharkboy is HERE

CREWDITIONS...YES....

‘we’re not allowed to take anyone who might remind rodimus of prowl’ vhbhjdkshfbhaskfd brutal

I love nautica so so much. a perfect autistic scientist after my own heart

I adore that nautica brought chromia along for moral support

hgvbjdakhfbhsj and then swerve saying that rodimus hates ‘trisyllabic names’ and nautica is like....but....‘rodimus’.....

and then nightbeat busts in to get all bbc sherlock on they asses hgbfhjadkfbjaskdf

WHY was perceptor at the crewditions if he was already part of the crew lmao

ooof, and then we have megatron flipping out when chromedome, a mnemosurgeon, shows up

also damn the autobots were rlly like okay so we wanna speed this trial up so lets just like, probe megatrons brain, that seems completely ethical, especially when you consider the history of shadowplay and stuff that our previous government had

I know important stuff is happening but megatron is holding a CUBE and I love CUBES so I'm distracted by that. C U B E

and then right after a scene where we see chromedome willing to perform mnemosurgery again - despite rewind’s like, dying wish for him not to - we hear that he’s been locked up in his room rewatching rewinds goodbye message over and over again :( I'm fucking depressed

I love nightbeat, he’s so funny and kind of an asshole

and then you see more missing letters behind them next panel...clearly nightbeat is right and there’s a mystery afoot...OR somebody is fucking with the ship’s lettering as a prank, which is a plot point I would absolutely buy

yeahhhh skids is right, chromedome is clearly Not dealing 

the dramatic graffiti on megatrons door...I wanna know who spray-painted ‘die’ everywhere like they're reaper overwatch

oh god. whirl vs megatron

really cool red lighting tho

GOD its so brutal, all the stuff megatron said about how he told the cons not to kill whirl...and doesn't that end up being false anyways? so he was just saying it to dig at whirl, which is awful

also I'm never over the fact that literally everyone - including megatron and whirl - blames whirl for ‘turning megatron violent,’ as if the entire Point isn't that whirl was a tool for a corrupt system, and if it wasn't whirl it would've just been someone else, and megatron turning away from pacifism was inevitable given the circumstances, AND also a choice on his part, so he really only has himself to blame for his OWN ACTIONS

bye bye whirls right arm, see you in lost light 

‘people never stop changing’ that IS something I say all the time...damn you warlord grandpa! how can you steal my philosophies?!

ohhh man and then rewind’s goodbye message being different....oooh

AUGH the fact that whirl was basically trying to goad megatron into killing him, just like he did in issue 1 w/cyclonus...It Hurts Man

also I do love the hint at who he’s talking to w/whirl shooting megatron with the bow and arrow earlier, and we know that atomizer is a fan of those

ok, but here’s where my philosophy diverges - megatron talks about throwing away his past and starting new, but I think that you have to learn from and build on your past...either way, megatron’s arc is one that I enjoy greatly from a character writing standpoint, and I'm excited to get it underway, especially w/how controversial it is lmao

big ole double-page spread...I like how you can pick out individual characters in the background crowd, which is crazy cause that's a LOT of people. also how come cosmos is so HUGE

phewwww 4.6 billion cybertronians died in the war, that’s INSANE. that's like, an incomprehensibly huge number. is there an estimate for their current population? I bet its not a lot. no wonder jro leaned into reproductive themes so much in mtmte/ll - of course the continuation of your species would be a concern for many if your numbers have been that greatly reduced

optimus w/his fancy tyrest-lookin crown

oughdajbfsbdf and the fact that megatron ALSO murdered 100 BILLION non-cybertronians...bruh. I feel like they maybe should've dialed those numbers back a little to allow his ‘redemption arc’ to run a little smoother lmao. but also I admire the commitment either way

and then we end w/megatron doing captain stuff, and seeing The Coffin...and we never did see rodimus in any of the flash-forward parts of this issue, did we???? I love how concerning that is. where's my BOY

also of course we gotta remember the warning from way back at the beginning of mtmte: ‘don't open the coffin’....

and so begins mtmte s2! man I love s2. I love mtmte in general lmao. s2 takes on the impossible w/the whole ‘megatron redemption arc’ thing, and I know that’s like, a divisive plot point and stuff, but from a writing standpoint I enjoyed it a lot...I think it was pretty much as well done as it could've been given the enormity of the task, and I thought it was a really interesting direction for the story to go in 

also espec if it’s true that hasbro was like ‘hey jro put megatron in your story and give him a redemption arc’ rather than jro like, planning/asking to do it 

anyways. I doubt ill talk much abt the disc horse(tm) here bc this is just for fun and also my own personal opinions and whatever, but I for one am excited to reexperience this stuff 

so yeah s2 off to a strong start with some wild shit already happening! cant wait to read more!

[neverlearnedtoread]

King of Scars

⭐⭐⭐; me at any given moment in the second half of the book: leigh.......*sobbing* please........where are we

Oh?? ����😉😏

incredible set-up! the first half was SO exciting and fun. every set-up was brimming with piping hot takes. court intrigue, power couple vibes, sneaking around / keeping up appearances interspersed with real feelings - bardugo set out a real feast of a story, that’s for sure

non-powered protagonist / POV in a magical setting. it’s one of my favourite tropes (i can pinpoint the origin of this preference back to one specific book in my childhood favourites)

badass women! need i say more

political intrigue (especially with the backdrop of a magical setting!)

No.. ❌🤢🤮

the author lost the thread SO HARD in the second....it really fell so flat after such a fantastic premise. im so disappointed 😭 i wanted so much and i got barely a crumb....please leigh, just another mouthful of that political intrigue....im begging ya......

im not that mad about the [spoilers] at the end of the story, but i am utterly befuddled by how it happened - and that’s not even taking into account how confused i am about the future direction of the story. bardugo, where? are? you? going?? it’s getting to the point i don’t fully trust she knows where she’ll end up either, and that’s dangerous

Nina’s story should have been a novella that came out before KoS. It would have been much more cohesive, and I could concentrate on Nina’s arc more on its own, and probably would’ve hyped up KoS that much more because of how these two stories are supposed to happen concurrently. Honestly, as interesting as Nina’s story was, I don’t have that much to say about it. It was good. I wish it was its own story. That’s about it.

Summary: Three years after the Ravkan Civil War, King Nikolai finds himself wrestling with an interesting problem. While his shrewd political machinations and barefaced charisma have kept Ravka from devolving into yet another conflict with one of its many enemies, he’s been losing ground in a battle with his own body as some uncontrollable curse repeatedly takes over his consciousness, causing him to wreck havoc across the nearby countryside night after night. After he nearly kills a child on one of his fun little jaunts as a giant bird-creature, he decides to take matters into his own hands and travel to a place of cleansing, which he hopes will be strong enough to purge the darkness. Things can only go downhill from there. (Oh yeah! And Nina is doing cool, sexy, creepy, important stuff somewhere else. That’s a thing too.)

Concept: 💭💭💭

I did not expect to pick up this book. I got into Six of Crows quite late, and I didn’t love the duology (it was good! i love inej. and everyone else is there too ig), so when I read the reviews (tbh I just listened to the KoS liveshow by the Papercut trio, but same thing) and they weren’t...that positive? i chalked it up to a cute cover i could admire from a distance whenever i visited a bookstore and moved on. But! Life moves in mysterious ways...and by mysterious I mean my friend listened to the audiobook and got me into it as well so we could share thoughts

Spoilers under the cut~

Execution: 💥💥💥💥 (first half) / 💥💥 (second half)

...And share thoughts we did! The first half of the book was *chef’s kiss* set-up so beautifully. I’ve never read the Grisha Trilogy, but I can feel that bardugo prefers to play fast and loose with her worldbuilding rules anyway, so there wasn’t much I couldn’t pick up using context clues. The characterization for two POVs I’d never read before, let alone even knew the backstory of beyond the vaguest inclination, was masterful! I immediately liked Nikolai and Zoya. Then we got to the second part, and I have never seen anything go downhill quite so effortlessly. More spectacularly? Yes. More quickly? Absolutely! Somehow, this was more like a slow slide into mediocrity, which was....worse. We just kept getting further and further away from the original intrigue, and setting up yet more moving pieces and unanswered questions, and, and - ! The book ended. I am so afraid that this has become a bigger beast than Bardugo can control, and that’s why she’s announcing a Six of Crows continuation - to pull it all together without admitting she may have lost the thread of this narrative.

Favourite Moment: while I loved where nina ended up at the end of the story (and i WISH we had had her story in a separate novella so i could fully appreciate the BDE), I think my favourite scene is when nikolai says to zoya ‘so what about that amplifier of yours that you were highly emotionally attached to’ and zoya not only tells him, but takes off her shirt to show him the scars without being directly asked. like damn! all he had to do was ask an unrelated question! shit! half the population of ravka would die to be as lucky as their king

Personal Enjoyment: ❤❤❤❤❤ (first half) / ❤❤ (second half)

I love it when a story hinges on two characters playing off of the other. There’s the banter, of course, but the real meat of this premise is always the character reveals and parallels you’re privy to, when you match two characters the audience has yet to learn more about against each other. It’s like...shadows and light! The interplay of similarities and differences! The intrigue of these characters reacting to any character reveals alongside the audience themselves in real-time! ‘Two sides of the same coin’-type narratives are always super fun, with or without shipping. And I think that’s the crux of the reason the second half of the book fell apart - despite being two out of three of the only humans stuck in that Other Place, and literally unable to go anywhere, Nikolai and Zoya simply....stopped talking to each other. And trusted two otherworldly god-like figures. Without question. 👀👀 HUH? HUH?? They’ve both been established to trust very few people - it took them three years to build themselves up to trusting each other, and they worked side-by-side to govern an entire country. But when it came down to the wire, you’re telling me they picked some random mythical dudes they had never believed existed? Make it make sense, Bardugo. They’re not even teenagers in-canon anymore, there’s no excuse for that kind of lapse in character consistency.

Favourite Character: i’m going to cheat and say that nikolai and zoya tie - their personalities were so compelling. if only they could have combined their two braincells to give me the fully realised character arc this book truly deserved :(( they could have had intertwined narrative parallels! the foil potential! cmon bardugo, am i gonna have to rewrite this book in my mind myself, or what?

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[joisapig]

Looking Back and Moving Forward

With the new year resolution made, my life was back on track. So much freedom and happiness in me and I feel like the luckiest woman on earth to have so many close and loved ones supporting me.

¾ of 2016 had been rough from the beginning till after the break up. However, it was also a relief that I got myself out of that shit hole which I kept falling back in the last quarter. It wasn’t easy, and I wouldn’t say I was proud of myself either but I managed to get out of it.

And was I glad I did.

I become the person I am and do things I want to. The experiences were amazing and they filled me to the fullest.

Right after the rough stint, I went to Malacca with my brother and his family in mid Aug. They welcomed me with open arms and the “self-pitiful” me went along and was pulling a long face the whole three days because I was supposedly heart-broken. However, having family around is the best thing ever. They left you alone to your moods but still tried to be there at the same time. For that, I’m grateful.

Estelle invited me to try pole dance with her. At first I was skeptical, I ain’t got no dancing bones in me! Been there, done that! 4 years in modern dance in secondary school. And I still feel stiff as fuck. I suspect it could be my shoulders know. Like cmon, relax man~ But, I still went for it. I joined kfit. What’s there to lose? Nothing. I needed to keep fit anyway. Tried many studios, tbh it was fucking fun. I’ve always love doing new things, more of like challenging myself. Imagine hanging on the pole and doing some awesome tricks but still looking graceful. Well, I can try that, cant I? But, I was err “shy” or should I say lazy? And this is what Estelle told me, “I’m going US the next month and you should really go for classes yourself instead of only when with me. Because this will then prove that you genuinely like it and you aren’t going because I am.” Woah. What?! That was a given challenge. Hey woman, I love it so I’m gonna show you that I really do. And that’s when I did. Went for pole classes myself, made new friends and brought friends in. Fun as fuck. And Estelle returned from US amused and proud of my improvements.

Phuket in Sept was next with liyuan for 5D4N. It was amazing. I said I want to surf and she went right along with me. That was fun and I absolutely enjoyed myself that we went again! It was liberating to do things for myself. I had time. Time for myself which was lost when I didn’t know how to manage.

Then Bangkok in Oct was next with lovely Huiyi and Zhimin. Huiyi’s mentor tagged along and I must say I was a little sad that they didn’t have anything going on. I really wish for her to have someone who’s not him in her life instead. Then there will be future ahead. But Bangkok was fun. I shopped so much! Bought stuff for myself too! I was happpppy!

And in the very same month, I got a surprise from my manager that I’ve got a salary adjustment for my work. It was great news because I felt at least now I’m earning the “right” amount in comparison to others in the society. I love my job. I love IT. And to be recognized for my effort was encouraging because this is a company which values its people. I’m blessed.

In Nov, I’ve decided to join an all girls’ darts league. It was a great decision made. Tiring as it was, I got to meet many people and gained league experiences. It was challenging and for the first few games, I was nervous. I always wish that I can focus. It’s like I am a 3 minutes person. Ooo, I love this, I’m gonna do this and excel in it. Then, I lose focus and it’s gone. But this league, it keeps me going. I didn’t have a choice. It was a commitment. And because I have teammates which I don’t want to “let down”, I practice. And when you practice, you improve. And it is still fun to me. When you hit the bulls and triples, the sounds coming from the dart board exhilarate me.

Yixuan broke up in Dec. She said I seem so happy and doing things that I like which made her see why her relationship wasn’t working out. I don’t know how her relationship was. But I have always felt that relationships starting out since secondary schools or junior colleges lasting till now seems to be like couples only having each other. This is what I see from social media which I could be wrong but the couples are usually hanging out with only each other. And that isn’t healthy I suppose. Sometimes, we need friends around us too. But of course, always set your priorities right. I’m really glad for her though. Super glad. Not the break up but her changes. She is so much happier now and amazing. She was the matured one in our clique. Now there’s this wild side of her appearing and full of life. Spontaneous but hopefully, still able to keep herself safe.

So past 2016 after the break up, I told myself that I would stay single for a year but I have friends telling me there’s no such thing. When love comes, it comes.

Even though I said I would be single, I did go dating around. I was just thinking like hey you know what, I have to meet people. Meeting people is interesting. You get to read them, find out what you like or dislike. I know I don’t have to meet guys and I don’t need any more new friends, but I would wanna know what’s good for me too. I’ve always wanted to settle down but I find out that hey, it doesn’t work that way. You don’t want to settle down then you meet anyone and that could be the person for you. No. Because you don’t settle. I want to meet the person who makes me want to settle down with. The idea is different now.

Truth be told, I’ve probably met about 7 new persons from tinder. None matters of course. But sometimes, the funny thing in life comes least expected. Met up with Chelsea and the rest as usual to have meal in HV and we were just talking about life when she teased me about liking Indians and wanting to intro her friend to me. I was like nah, not interested luh. I don’t like Indians specifically but I like nice people. And liking nice people don’t mean I have a thing for anyone. So after the meal here and there, apparently there was a plan to go clubbing and her Indian friend was going along. And that’s when I met him.

Okay, cute. Okay, tall. Hello beer belly. Hello smokes. Eek. Nopes! Haha! So I formed these in my head. But he suddenly became fucking cute to me that night in the wee morning which must be due to the alcohol. Entwined his fingers around mine to lead me in the club was interesting as I dont usually do that with strangers. But then again, my clubbing experiences could be counted with two hands back then. Haha.

Whatever it is, somehow, he texted me the following evening and we began texting everyday. I would say our texts were purely friends. Just talking and I didn’t read much in them which of course I shouldn’t. He seemed nice but I didn’t feel that we had a lot to talk about because we were only getting to know each other. But when we started to self disclose in our meetings, it felt different like in a nice way.

And in someway, he slowly grew on me like a constant. I can tell him anything and I don’t have to worry what fucks he thinks about me. I can be me and I am me. I feel comfortable around him and it was nice yet scary at the same time. I don’t know what the fuck I was getting myself into. I really don’t want history to repeat itself and so I really have to protect myself. I am cool headed. I have to be. I was a diver. Not literally. But someone who falls head over heels over a human quickly and stays devoted when there is supposedly chemistry or sparks. I can’t be that person anymore. This time, I need to be in control of myself.

He told me he likes me and asked me to go The Canopi with him but I was afraid. I don’t want to get hurt again in any way know. And somehow, when he mentioned Taiwan (I love Taiwan), I thought hey that seems fine.

Side track (so me!), I went to Bangkok with my family and friends in early Jan. Months filled with travels make me happy. All the exciting line ups. I feel like a free bird. Oh and I joined a new mixed darts league too as the previous one ended. This bunch of new people is just as fun and lovely!

Anyway back to Taiwan, I went there with him this Feb. It kinda changed things. We grew even closer and I would say we had fun together. Good fun. And I really enjoyed his company. He’s respectful and have amazing self-control there. Thumbs up gentleman. And Kenting was fucking amazing. Especially that one full day we had where we e-scootered the area and ended the night off with the perfect suggestion from him to look at stars together on the beach in the night. I’ve always wanted to do stuff like that and I get to with him. Seems like our travel plans just worked out and flowed when we are together. For now I would say as it is just the beginning. I daren’t look into the future just as yet.

A week plus after Taiwan, we had our first fight kinda too and he just bolted. It felt like when things got bad, the supposedly close person to you would leave. It felt like people only stay when time is good. That feeling sucks big time but we did get to know one another a little more than before. I could have just fucked it and moved on with life initially but me being me, I needed answers and clear cut ones too so I messaged him first. Felt like a loser but as usual I wanted closure. What was the point of closure though when someone doesn’t want me already and yet I kept questioning why. No means no, simple as that. But if he bolts again, I don’t think I want to deal with it because it hurts I hope I am firmer and stronger now than before.

Anyway we had our first staycation together on 25 March. It was the best stay I ever had. I felt so at ease with him just being me. Saying shit and doing silly things with him knowing that he will not view me indifferently after. It was liberating and exciting much. Lovely meal at TheLab. He picks good meal choices yet he doesn’t know. Heh. And all he talks about was McSpicy, no lettuce add cheese only. Teehee. And jacuzzi was awesome. There were lights and he filled the jacuzzi up with bath salts and shower gel. So many bubbles and so foamy! We drank and danced a little. His dance moves are so frigging adorable. Haha!! I love it when he seems so carefree and happy. Okay fine, he drank a lot more than me. Ha!

Oh and when he winks with one side of his lips inching upwards, that is fucking hot and cute. There’s this cheeky kid in him that makes me smiles and I just want to squish him so bad. Those big eyes staring into mine. I can lose myself in his eyes all day and night.

Mid March was Hongkong trip with my JC clique. So blessed to be able to hang with them the 9 years of friendship and still counting. That aside, all I can say was boy am I glad someone didn’t show up due to work. Because by then, I only want to be seeing him and none other.

Oh and I’m rubbing my feet now too. So smoooth.