#it just. sounds like a lot of pressure for anyone to deal with let alone a child

[arolesbianism]

Let it not be forgotten how much I love Abby. She is the character of all time. 2 me. It's me and my needlessly in depth Abby hcs against the world

[rainylana]

“My angel baby, I’m here.”

Eddie Munson x female reader

summary: eddie finds out that you self harm.

warnings: reader self harms and is severely depressed, undertones of poor eating habits but very brief, language, lots of tears, blood, angst to the max, mentions of periods.

a/n: this is the longest that i’ve posted yet since getting back into writing and i’m super happy with how it turned out! it is a sensitive topic so it won’t be for everyone. this is dedicated to all the ones who can relate to this fic. i hope you all have an eddie in times when it gets too much. please let me know what you think. it means the world and more than you can imagine.

You knew that what you did was not healthy. You knew it was sick and messed up. You knew that if anyone found out, they’d think that you were insane. The scars you gave yourself had no real reason to be there. You blamed yourself for that. You didn’t know how to deal with your issues any other way. The moment you were alone you’d drift off to the bathroom, turn the shower on and begin your twisted ritual of self abrasions.

Life for you was difficult, but still, marking your self up was no excuse. You had tried to quiet, of course. Many times you had, but it was a habit you could not break. You were too used to doing it. It was an everyday thing. It was like breathing. You breath to live. You can’t not just breath. So for you, cutting yourself was like breathing. You didn’t think you could stop. It helped you deal with your pain.

If you’d have known what the evening was going to hold for you, you would have slit your throat the moment you woke up.

Darkness clouded your mind. Sitting in class, the fog you knew well was storming your brain cells, making everything else fuzzy and hard to understand. Everyone looked blurry, their faces funny and distorted. They sounded odd. Your heart ached and sunk into the pit of your stomach like it always did. You had no way of explaining what this feeling was and what it meant, but you didn’t like it at all. Once it got you, it had you.

You didn’t try to share any of this with Eddie. You didn’t want him to know how much you struggled. Scaring him away was your worst fear. It was why you never let him see the tops of your thighs. Sex was always under the covers. Lights off. Eddie didn’t complain of course. To him, sex was sex.

And god, did you love him. You loved him with your whole heart and soul. You’d be devastated if he knew your secret. It felt awful to bare, this huge burden you carried on your shoulders. You wondered if any of your other classmates shared it too. There was a darkness in your heart that was eating you alive.

“Babe,” A warm, thick hand grabbed your shoulder, pulling you from sinking to the bottom of the pool you were drowning in.

“Huh?” You said a little louder than you’d realized, blinking rapidly as your vision spun around the room. “What?”

You turned around in your seat to find Eddie’s doe eyes narrowed. “You good?” He whispered, leaning closer. “You’ve been staring at the floor for fifteen minutes.” Your class wasn’t even doing anything important. You had a sub, so everyone was doing their own studying or reading. Eddie had been talking to you until you drifted off.

“Oh, yeah.” You nodded with a swallow, grabbing his hand that still laid on your shoulder. “Sorry, Ed.”

“Just checking on my girl.” He gave you a wink that made you blush. “You coming over tonight?”

“Yeah.” You whispered with a fake smile, exhaustion taking over. He could see the way your lips had faltered. You turned back around and laid your head on your desk, arms being your pillow.

Eddie stared at you.

He might not have been the brightest bulb in the shed, but he knew you weren’t the happiest girl in the world. He knew you were sad and weren’t telling him about it. He didn’t know why, but he wasn’t going to pressure you into it, but still, he was worried about you. He wished for one night that they both could talk about you instead of his problems for a change.

Maybe tonight could be the night.

•

You must’ve gotten your period, he figured. Here it was four o’clock in the morning, and for some reason he couldn’t sleep. He had gotten up to get a glass of water but stopped when he’d seen blood seeping through the tops of your sweatpants, the blankets kicked down below your feet.

“Babe,” He said groggily, giving your shoulder a light shake. “Y/n, wake up.”

You hummed back asleep.

“Y/n, I think you got your period,” He rubbed his eyes, leaning over you to switch on the light. “You’re bleeding.”

That woke you up. “Huh?” Your eyes went wide and you sat up. “Oh,” You gasped upon seeing the red leaks of blood seeping from your sweatpants. An inhumane shock of terror left your throat and you leapt from the bed to disappear into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

Eddie, thinking it was your period, thought it was a little funny, even if he was exhausted. He got up and followed you to the door. “Baby, hey, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. I’ll get some new sheets from the closet, alright? It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

You didn’t respond. He waited for a moment to see if you would. He even knocked a few times before giving up and switching out the sheets on the bed. In fact, he did a lot before you actually came out. He changed the bed entirely, knocking again until you muttered a shaky response that you’d be out soon. He bit his thumb nail and paced for another five minutes before he went out for a smoke. He remained seated on the bed when you finally came out.

When he saw you, he knew something was deeply wrong. Your face was white and you were visibly shaken. Your face was stained with dried tears, your eyes bloodshot. Your heart felt like it was broken. This was too close. Nobody had ever gotten this close of finding out. The idea of him knowing made you feel sick. It was your burden and yours alone. It was yours. As sick as it was, it was who you were. Who were you if you didn’t do this? You were so used to it. It was routine for you. Half of the time you did it just to….well, just to do it, to feel something. You were addicted.

“Y/n,” Eddie glanced you over. “what’s wrong? Are you alright?” He stepped toward you, grabbing your elbows lightly. “Hey,”

You sniffled and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go to bed.” You dismissed, now wearing a pair of dark leggings.

“Wait— babe, you’re crying,” He followed you to the bed, watching as you fixed the blanket over yourself. “Are you sick?”

“No, Eddie, I’m fine.” You adjusted your pillow, your body shutting down into survival mode. You needed the situation to be dismissed, shut down. “I’m sorry about the blood, was just my period.”

He sat down on the bed by your thighs. “Don’t be sorry bout’ that, honey. Just want to make sure you’re alright. You need anything? You want some water or something?”

“Eddie, I’m okay.” You stressed, laying down and turning your back to him. “Just forget about it, please.” Your voice broke.

He absolutely did not want to forget about it, not with the way you were trying not to cry. He sat there in the same spot for almost three minutes, eyes glued to your cheek. “Y/n,” He said again. “You gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

You groaned into the pillow. “Damnit, Eddie, lay down!”

“See, I know you,” He shook his head. “You would never be this bothered over your period. Hell, last month you chased me around with your tampon!” He said bewildered, chuckling slightly. “Something else is wrong and you’re not telling me, and when something makes my girl cry, I want to know what it is, so tell me what’s got you so worked up, huh?”

You let out a sob and curled into yourself. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. God, you were so stupid. You shouldn’t have cut so deep.

“Baby,” Eddie frowned, leaning down to lay his torso on you, his chin laying on your shoulder so he could look at you. “Did I hurt your feelings today? Did I say something?”

“No.” You cried into your pillow. “No, Eddie, it’s not you. I promise, it isn’t you.”

He thought maybe he should just drop it, let you go to sleep and maybe it would be okay in the morning, but you were still crying, little puffs and pouts here and there. He couldn’t just dismiss that.

“It’s me.” You found yourself saying, out of the blue.

“What?” He missed what you had said. “I can’t hear you, honey.” He strained his ears to hear you.

“It’s fucking me!” You sobbed into your pillow, chest heaving with a heavy breath that made him jolt. “I’m the fucking problem!”

He had no idea why you were so upset. He didn’t know what to do. He gulped harshly. “Y/n,” He cooed, shushing you gently. He scooted closer, holding you tighter to place a kiss on your temple. “I’m here, baby. Shh, shh, I’m here.”

You let go, sobbing in his arms and into your wet pillow, you broke down in sobs. Most of it was just because you were purely exhausted and you were emotionally drained, depressed. This week you were in a deeper funk than what you’ve normally been in. You hadn’t been eating properly to start. Your showers consisted of laying on the floor and imaging yourself drowning. The idea of Eddie knowing your secret made you want to die, yet you spoke anyway.

“I’m so sad.” You whimpered while Eddie rocked you in his arms, his hands stroking your hair.

He’d thought maybe you’d fallen asleep. You’d been quiet for several minutes. “Why, baby?” He kissed your shoulder.

“I don’t know,” You thought, a crinkle in your nose as you tried to reason why you felt the way you did. “Something is wrong with me, Eddie.”

You were starting to scare him. He’d never heard you talk like this before. He swallowed hard, batting his eyes across the room like his answers were a poster on the wall. “Y/n, if you tell me maybe I can help you.”

God, was help possible? Could you stop? Did you even want to? Who were you if you didn’t have that one constant in your life?

The idea brought on a wave of fresh tears, your lips turning down in a blubbering frown. “You’ll think I’m disgusting.” Your back shook against his broad, bare chest. “You won’t— you won’t ever look at me the same. You’ll think…fuck, you’ll think I’m disgusting.” You sobbed broken-hearted.

Eddie started at your face, features masked in concern. He didn’t know what to do to make you feel better, and his mind was flashing the worst things that could’ve made you so upset, his imagination getting the best of him.

“Sweetheart, I promise whatever you think I’m going to say or do isn’t true.” He leaned over to wipe a tear. “I’m going to love you no matter what you say. That’s how this works, remember? Please, baby, tell me. You’re worrying me.”

Guilt made your heart pound. You let out a long mewl, curling up like a cat so you could cry. Eddie still didn’t let you go. This was your nightmare, yet you, yourself, were making it come true.

“I didn’t get my period.” You said with wet lashes.

“What do you mean?” He narrowed his eyes down at you.

You let out a sob, holding a hand to your stomach. “I mean, I- fuck, I didn’t get my..my- period!” You hyperventilated through your breath.

“Shh, calm down, sweetheart, you don’t have to rush,” He soothed you, rubbing your arms. “Come on, sit up with me.” He gently lifted you by the torso, your hair cascading down your back. You looked like a scared little girl. Your eyes were wet and your face was soaked like you’d been laying in the rain. Eddie sighed, his mouth in a frown as he tried to help you.

“Breath, honey,” He fixed your hair, smoothing it down in rough places.

“I’m so sorry.” You whimpered, grabbing his hands tightly, squeezing them.

“Don’t be.” He shook his head. “Nothing to be sorry for, angel. Just want you to tell me what’s got you so upset. What is it that you want to tell me?” He knew whatever it was, you wanted to tell him. And deep down, you did. Maybe that was why you couldn’t shut the hell up.

“I’m so scared.” You shuttered a breath. “I’m so scared that you’ll…what you’ll think of me.”

His heart was beating loud in his chest. “You said that you didn’t get your period,” He tried to question you gently. “What does that mean?”

Did you really want to do this? Did you want to just let it all go within a blink of an eye? Truthfully, yeah. Yeah, you did. You couldn’t do it anymore. At least not alone.

You sat up slightly, fingertips grabbing the waistband of your sweats as you tugged them down to your knees. You didn’t look at him as you sank back down to sit on your ankles.

“I cut too deep.” You wept, staring down at your thighs. It was your canvas, your target area. They were scared on every inch. Some white and faded with age, some angry and red.

When Eddie saw them, it connected all dots instantly. His eyes widened in horror at your legs. They looked absolutely terrifying. He couldn’t help let out a gasp. “Oh, god, y/n,”

His large palms ghosted over them, and he leaned down so he could examine them closer. “Jesus,” His own eyes blurred with tears, his bottom lip quivering with emotion.

“I know,” You shook your head shamefully. “I know, Eddie, but I can’t help it.” You lifted your head up as you shuttered out a tearful breath. “I can’t stop no matter how hard I try. It’s the only thing that helps me.”

“God, y/n,” He traced your scars with his fingertips, jaw fallen slack in shock.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” You bawled. “I’m so…I don’t know, I’m just- just- so miserable and it’s the only thing that seems to help. I’m just so used to doing it and I don’t think I can stop!” You blubbered, snot dripping onto your cupid’s bow and dipping into your lip.

Eddie’s head snapped up. “Oh, baby, come here.” He grabbed you and pulled you into his lap. You crawled to him immediately. He cradled your back as you threw your legs around his waist, your chests flush together in a bear hug. You sobbed into his shoulder, his kisses peppering your neck. “I’m here, I’m here.” He repeated.

“My angel baby, I’m here.”

Your body wracked with moans and groans of heartbreak, but you couldn’t deny the amount of relief that left your soul. It finally wasn’t alone on your shoulders. “God, Eddie, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t.” Eddie hushed you. “You have nothing, nothing at all to be sorry about. I should be apologizing. I should have realized. I had no idea you were unhappy.”

“I’m so fucked up,” Your voice muffled against his skin. “I don’t even know why I’m sad I just- I just am! It doesn’t make any sense!”

“Stop saying that.” He held the back of your head with his palm. “How you feel is perfectly understandable. I’m glad you told me. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, okay? Baby, I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this alone, but I’m right here now, okay? I’m gonna help you through this. I’m gonna help you rise above this because you’re so strong and you don’t even realize it. But you’re my girl and I know.” He rocked you in his arms, cradled you like a baby as you cried. “I know, baby, I’m here, I’ve got you honey.”

“Please, help me.” You fisted his curls, your chest hollow, yet heavy with emotion. “I need help.”

He nodded, whispering soothing words of encouragement as he fought off a wave of tears. “You can get past this. I did.”

You pulled away, your face an absolute mess. Red, snotty and tearful. Your lips pulled down in the deepest of frowns. “Oh, Eddie,”

He turned his elbow in a 90 degree angle, and angle you’ve never exactly examined, and cried when you saw the faded white scars. You went right back to his chest, holding him like a teddy bear. “Oh, Eddie, I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”

He held you close and kissed your shoulder, allowing one singular tear to spill that you didn’t have to see. He stopped when he met you. You were his saving grace. He’d be sure and do the same for you. His angel baby.

[anzulvr]

୨୧ On Purpose Karma x (fem) Reader || Chapter: 04 ୨୧

Prev || 04 Oblivious || Next

— Since the entire student council was present and the library was notably crowded with students who had signed up for the lecture, [Name] entered the library on her own.

She felt guilty, having to ditch her plans with Karma after an unresolved argument they decided to brush over. To make matters worse, she has to sit through a two-hour session and watch Ren shamelessly flirt with every girl in the room. On the brighter side, this ordeal counted towards her volunteer hours.

"You're late. You missed my introductory speech."

"My fault, I'll make up for it by working extra hard!"

She mentally thanked Karma for convincing her take the longer route, saying, "It's not a big deal if you're 10 minutes late... or 30." It was impressive how Gakushuu's speeches managed to put her to sleep every time, missing it was a win in her book.

Koyama called him over, something about a broken printer and an angry librarian.

 ...aaand she was all alone again.  [Name] decided to go check on the group at the back table.

"Oh, [Name] made it—she can help us!" The first year, Chisa blissfully smiled.

"But I wanted Asano to help. [Name] could you please ask him to?" Chisa's friend insisted, clearly not as enthusiastic about the anyone-whose-not- Asano's arrival.

[Name] tried not to let it bother her, being the only girl in the student council came with a lot of pressure.

She’s just as helpful and capable as the rest of the group but no one seems to acknowledge it. Everyone calls them the “Big Five” even though there’s technically six of them as her scores tie with Seo.

"He's busy with Koyama, but maybe later."

The girl groaned and sulked laying her head on the table. Chisa looked apologetic for her friends dramatics. [Name] offered them a polite smile and said, "Let's get through your assignments then."

After half an hour of helping the girls turn in missing work, [Name] decided to take a short break. She left for an empty table in the very corner of the room, the short break turned into a long one when she got distracted texting Karma.

‧₊˚ Message Log ‧₊˚

[Name]: can we talk? im super bored!!

Karma: Whose fault is that?

Karma: should have ditched to be with me the whooleee day

[Name]: ugghhh don't. Can you believe I still have another hour of this 

[Name]: anyway what are you doing?

Karma: I bumped into Nagisa on my way back from the library

Karma: now were at Maehara's house with Rio and Fuwa.

[Name]: Rio?? That one beautiful, smart, sweet, blonde girl in your class?

Karma: Sounds like you like her alot.

[Name]: She makes me nervous

Karma: Hey that's how you used to talk about me before we went out

[Name]: I can hear the disappointment through the text lmaoo

‧₊˚ Message End ‧₊˚

"You haven't even been here for an hour and you’re already slacking off on your phone?"

"Gakushuu! Geez you came out of nowhere." [Name] shut her phone off and patted the seat next to her.

To her surprise he slumped down next to her instead of insulting her and walking off, like he usually does.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm exhausted to say the least. This was a stupid idea no one is making progress, well no one but Ren, he managed to pick up quite a few desperate ones today."

"That's not completely true, I helped Chisa and her friend turn their C's to A's. As much as I hate being here it's not useless. Useless was the Bakesale we tried last year where the cupcakes we sold tasted like horse crap. It was funny watching people pretend to love them and hold back the throw up because they came from you."

"Could of stopped at the first half, but thanks, I think. My father said I wasn't being organized enough, that this would be a failure on my half and an embarrassment on his."

"That's a little harsh, you're doing your best and you've done more than anyone else in the council. Ren's been giving out his number more than he's been lecturing, Seo has been in the bathroom for 20 minutes, Teppei has been stuck on the same group this entire time and to be honest Koyama is hard to look at. Im pretty sure I saw the girl he was teaching closing her eyes while he was talking."

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards.

"You're right I'll go yell at them in a few. It's not a big deal though, My father has said much worse."

"To be fair, I haven't exactly kept my promise either. Hard work turned into hiding in a corner to text my b- actually I should get back to work, actions speak louder than words!" [Name] stood up to leave. Asano grabbed her sleeve, it was impulsive and the immediateness of it made it all the more awkward."

"Uh, Asano? Is there something you still need?" She crinkled her eyebrows.

His cheeks became somewhat pink, [Name] thought he couldn’t have been blushing, maybe it was allergies.

“No, just don't get distracted on your phone again."

"Yeah Ive got it!" She waved him off and went back to work, 

Gakushuu sat there slightly conflicted with his thoughts and his feelings, He faulted the all nighter he pulled last night, sleep deprivation does negatively impact mind clarity. He decided he should get back to work too.

Meanwhile ☆ ༄

"Let me get this straight, instead of asking me like normal people the class collectively decided to stalk [Name] and I?"

"Pretty much... but I was against it the entire time!" Nagisa replied sheepishly, to his surprise Karma's response was a relaxed nod.

"You're acting weirdly cool about this."

It sent a shiver down his spine, in a weird way Karma was scarier when he didn't react. Not knowing what he's thinking was an uncomfortable feeling.

"It's not a big deal- unless you guys tell people, that's when things will leak."

Fuwa's voice highers a few octaves in concern "What things?!" 

"Telling you would ruin the surprise wouldn’t it?”

Maehara, reckless as always chimes in “I wanted to go and see [Name] but I couldn't. We were almost a thing before you stole her ya know?"

Nagisa, being the good friend he is, rushes in to save him "That's not it at all! Isogai told us she rejected him a bunch of times since he's a womanizer!"

"I'm not a womanizer, I'm smooth."

"Smooth is the surface of the floor you'll be on when I knock your sorry ass out."

Maehara quickly moves behind Rio who changes the subject with a flood of questions;

"How long have you been dating? Why would anyone go out with you? Did you scare her into saying yes?"

"I’ll tell you if you buy me soba. Better question is: Why wouldn't someone go out with me? I’m tall, handsome, smart, charismatic… and I have a sick spice collection.”

“Im also all of those things.” Maehara jokes, cautiously this time, using Rio as a human shield.

[samkiszkasfacialhair]

Choose the Road: Chapter 4

Choose the Road: Chapter 4

Pairing: Sam Kiszka and Female Reader

Summary: A coming of age story about Sam Kiszka’s first love.

Masterlist

Warnings: Mentions of marijuana. Mentions of sex/sexual situations.

Word Count: 4.1k

January 2017

As the cold Michigan winter rolled on, you and Sam spent more time together. Since making things official and meeting his parents, you both came clean to your parents about how you were spending your time lately. He admitted to his parents that instead of joining a club, he was with you after school and you admitted to yours that instead of going to your friends house after school, you went to his house. Surprisingly, both sets of parents forgave you for the lies and they were okay with the idea of the two of you. Shortly after, he met your parents and they approved of him just as his did with you. 

He usually traveled on weekends to play shows around the state or down in Ohio and Indiana so you spent most of your time at his house after school. Now that he had a car to drive, he’d take you to his house after school and then take you home once his parents got home or after you sat in on a band practice in his garage. Over the course of the next month, you learned a lot about Sam. 

He had a birthmark under his left arm that he was embarrassed about but let you see anyway. You spotted it once when he was tying up his hair in a bun. After some questioning and tickling, he finally revealed it to you but made you swear not to make a big deal about it. You didn’t. Even though you thought it was cute and you’d catch a peek every chance you got. 

He hated his middle name and never wanted anyone to know it. You told him yours and he made fun of it. So you made fun of his right back until you both got mad and stopped talking to each other for about a minute before Sam apologized and called a truce. Neither of you brought up middle names again. 

He loved animals. He wanted a dog more than anything. He had one during his childhood that died and it was so devastating for him that his mom said no more pets. But Sam still wanted one and made a plan to get one when he was older. He said he wanted to adopt one and give it a good life. 

He liked to be warm. Cuddling was his favorite. Sam made the attic cozy for the two of you. It was now your little getaway just as much as it was Sam’s. He covered the old plywood floor with scraps of carpet and blankets and the two of you would hide out up there, cuddling, smoking, eating, and listening to music on his old record player that had a warped sound that you and Sam laughed at. 

You did other things too. Sam got much better at kissing and the two of you started experimenting with other things for the first time. 

Sam was hesitant, though. That kind of stuff, intimate stuff, made him nervous. It was uncharted waters for him and he wasn’t exactly sure how to navigate through it. It was interesting- he knew everything about the world yet somehow, this was the kind of stuff that made him nervous. But because of that, you both took things slow to make sure you were both comfortable.

You’d done some stuff with other boys before but you had a lot of firsts with Sam. In an odd way, Sam’s inexperience and innocence kind of… turned you on. It also made you feel comfortable; like you weren't the only one who didn’t exactly know what to do. Plus he was a quick learner. And in just a little bit of time, you taught him more than just how to kiss and of course, he taught you a thing or two as well. 

Jake and Josh got used to you being around but the attic was where you and Sam could really be alone without one or both of them there. Sam liked it better that way. He felt a lot of pressure with them around and you couldn’t blame him. They were twenty and had adult lives and partners. Even though they respected the two of you and tried to give you privacy and space, they still teased Sam and it was hard with them at home. 

Specifically one night…

The two of you went through your usual after school routine and you ended up staying over for dinner. His brothers were cooking and he wanted you to be there as a witness if their food was bad. Plus if it was, it would give you a chance to stay later if his family had to order pizza for dinner as a last resort.

Before dinner, you were up in the attic with him as usual, with blankets stacked and pillows covering the floor under the window, creating a makeshift bed that was just a few inches wider than the twin sized bed he slept on in his room.

Your knees were on either side of his torso, he had one knee bent underneath you and your kisses trailed from his mouth, to his chin, and stayed in one spot when you reached the sweet spot on his neck, right below the corner of his jaw. That was the spot that made Sam fall apart every time and he let out soft hums as your lips worked to form the tiniest light pink bruise there. 

“Sam?” you asked in between kisses.

“Mhm?” he hummed.

“Do you wanna do it?”

“Do what?”

“It.”

“It?” he asked, genuinely not knowing what you were talking about. 

You broke away from him and sat up on his stomach. You rested your hands on his chest and sighed. 

“It,” you said, emphasizing the word.

“It as in…like, like, sex?” he asked, sitting up on his elbows.

Sam did this thing when he was confused where one side of his top lip curled up and he squinted his eyes. He was doing it right now. For someone so smart, he could be so dumb at times.

You nodded your head and raised your eyebrows at him.

He moved his eyes from looking up at you to looking down to the floor and sighed. His tongue pushed in front of his teeth and he pursed his lips. You could see him thinking hard.

“Do you want to?”  he asked.

“I’ve thought about it,” you said softly, shrugging your shoulders, not saying anything else, leaving it up to him to continue the conversation.

“I don’t know,” he admitted softly, not making eye contact with you, “I’ve thought about it too. A lot. But, that kind of stuff, it, it's scary to me.”

Sam was a late bloomer so you couldn’t blame him for being hesitant. After all, you were his first kiss and even then, it took the two of you a while to move into doing more intimate stuff. You knew Danny had done it because he told Sam in secret, but Sam told you, thus, putting the idea of doing it with Sam in your head. Plus, you knew his brothers poked fun at him for being a virgin when you weren’t around and you knew that added to his feelings.

“There’s nothing wrong with waiting, right?” he asked.

You shook your head at him and gave him a reassuring smile. 

He was right. There wasn’t anything wrong with waiting. Besides, as much as you liked Sam, you didn’t really envision your first time on a blanket covered attic floor with his entire family in the house. And if waiting was going to make him more comfortable, then you would wait. 

However, even though you were truly fine with waiting, Sam couldn’t help but think he was disappointing you. He wasn’t though. You were both virgins. Sure you messed around with each other here but there were more things neither of you had done yet. Things that it just wasn't the right time for, whether that was because his family was home or whether one of you was nervous about it. You weren’t too worried though. It would happen when it happened. Sam however, was a teenage boy who was now the only virgin in his friend group, and the seed was now planted about it in the back of his mind. 

Through pouted  lips he whispered, “Thank you,” and pushed them out for you to kiss.

You leaned down to kiss him gently before he gave your butt a tap and you crawled off him.

Sam sat up and stood on his knees in front of the record player. He flipped over the record that had just finished playing to play the next side when the sound of Josh’s voice screaming “DINNER!” caught your attention and led you downstairs to eat. 

To Sam’s dismay, his brothers’ cooking was great and to be honest, you both ate more than you thought you would.

After dinner, it was still pretty early. The twins took to the boys’ room so you and Sam crawled back up to the attic for a little more alone time before you were set to go home. Your parents knew you’d be at his house a little later than usual anyway so you were excited to be able to spend some more time with him.

Sam threw himself down onto the little bed of blankets and pillows he made on the floor and stretched his legs out. 

“Mmm,” he groaned as he rubbed his eyes, “I’m tired,” he whined as he undid the button of his jeans.

Sam loved naps and he slept in his underwear. You found that out a few weeks ago as another little secret about him.

You giggled as you sat down by his feet and leaned against the wall under the window while Sam stared at you with tired eyes.

Sam lifted his hips off the floor and started pulling his jeans off. You grabbed the ankles of his pants, wiggling them off him inch by inch. Sam giggled as he held onto the waistband of his underwear as you pulled on his pants legs, which were so tight that if he wasn’t holding onto his underwear, they would have come right off along with his pants. 

In the dim light of the attic, your eyes trailed from his ankles up to his hips. His legs were long and the dark hairs on his shins were long and wild. His hip bones poked out from the waistband of his boxer briefs and he had the tiniest trail of hair going from the waistband up to his belly button and natural abs which were partially covered by the hem of a Chicago Blackhawks hoodie. He wasn’t muscular or in any way athletic, but you liked his body, bones and all.

You tossed his pants to the side and took yours off while Sam held back a smile, pretended not to look at you, and rubbed his nose like he always did when he got nervous. 

It wasn’t just him holding back a smile, you were too. You had both seen eachother like this before. In fact, you’d seen more of each other than this before. But something about this night was different. Sam wasn’t just silly or cute to you anymore. This was intimate in a way you and Sam never were intimate before. You had just discussed waiting not even an hour ago, so it wasn’t even about that. This was something else. Something you couldn’t quite put your finger on yet.

Now with both of you in just hoodies and underwear, you laid yourself down next to Sam and he pulled you in close while you covered yourselves up with a fuzzy blanket. You’d cuddled with him before but never like this. He pressed his stomach up to your back and rested his chin on the top of your head, letting his hair fan over your head. Your breathing fell together and his hand traveled to meet yours.

He reached over and lazily played with your fingers; delicately, as if your hands were his bass strings or piano keys. He opened your palm and swirled his fingers around it. At first it was just circles but as you closed your eyes and began drifting off to sleep, you felt the faint formations of three letters being swirled around on your palm. 

S…A…M.

SAM.

You were his, and you loved the feeling of that. 

Hm. Maybe you could put your finger on the feeling after all.

***

A little later, you woke up to complete darkness and stillness of the night surrounding you as the dead weight of Sam’s entire left leg pressed down on you. 

You sat up on your elbow and reached for your phone. You winced as your eyes adjusted to the bright light; however, they widened as you saw the time.

12:20 AM.

Shit.

Besides just seeing the time, you had about 10 missed calls from your parents and dozens of texts from your friends asking where you were.

You pushed Sam’s leg off you and shook him gently.

“Sam,” you whispered.

Nothing.

Repeating yourself and pushing him harder didn’t work.

Again, nothing.

Sam was the heaviest sleeper ever. He had to wake up on his own terms, no one else's. Honestly, the world could be ending and he’d sleep through the entire thing and wake up as the last person alive on the planet.

Finally, after getting more aggressive with him, his eyebrows started furrowing and he groaned in annoyance from being woken up.

“Mom, stop,” he whined as he turned away from you and covered himself up in blankets.

“Sam, Bub, it’s me. Wake. Up.” 

You tried your best to keep quiet as you spied the ladder to the attic still down. His parents room was just feet away and you were sure they’d be in bed and possibly even awake.

Eventually, after a bit more nudging, pushing, and a couple taps to his face- Sam woke up.

He was confused at first, like anyone normally would be upon waking up from a nap. He was even more confused as to why you were waking him up so urgently and aggressively. However all his confusion left him quickly once you held your phone up to him and he saw the time.

Instantly, he sat up, gasped, and looked around as the situation sunk in.

He looked at you, to the ladder, and then back to you again, “My parents are going to kill me,” he whispered.

“Your parents? What do you think my parents are gonna do?” you whisper yelled back.

Sam leaned over to peek down the ladder, unsuccessfully. There was no way of telling whether his parents were awake or asleep or whether they knew you were up there or not. Plus, neither of you could risk making too much noise and you’d be stupid to try to go down the ladder. 

He looked to the floor once more and then stuck his tongue in front of his teeth while pursing his lips. He was thinking hard. 

His face dropped when he raised his eyes to the window.

He looked at you and then looked back to the window once more, like he was silently suggesting his only idea as a solution.

You knew what he was thinking. You could practically see the gears turning in his head.

“Are you insane?” you whispered, looking at the window.

“I’m sorry, do you have a better idea?” he whispered back sarcastically as he reached for both your disregarded pants and threw you yours before putting his own on for himself, “This” he said, gesturing his chin toward the window as he pulled his pants up, “is your only way home.”

Now dressed, Sam headed for the window and waited for you to put your pants on before slowly lifting it so as to not make too much noise. He got it open just enough before crawling out of it into the freezing January night. 

You followed behind him and soon you were both standing on the slanted roof of his garage in complete darkness. The only light came from the half moon above you. 

Carefully, Sam walked over to where the green van was parked right up to the garage door and sat down on the edge of the roof, dangling his legs over the gutter. He pushed himself off the roof of the garage and onto the roof of the van. 

You did exactly what he did and just as he held his hands out for you to take and you put your hands in his, suddenly, there was light.

You looked past Sam to see two headlights coming up the driveway, getting closer and closer. 

Sam turned his head around, “Shit,” he said.

An old white Jeep came to a stop at the top of the driveway and the muffled rock music from the inside of it came to an abrupt end as the engine was turned off. 

You and Sam slid down the windshield of the van and hopped off the hood of it onto the driveway below as the door to the Jeep opened and Jake stepped out of it, chuckling.

“Ooh! What are you two doing out so late?” he asked in a condescending tone. 

“Nothing,” Sam said, giving his nose a flick. If there was one thing Sam was, it was a bad liar.

“Look atcha’” Jake teased, “Growing up, having sex, sneaking out. I’m proud of you Sammy boy, I really am.” 

Sam defended himself, “We didn’t ha-”

“Really?” Jake cut him off with a shit eating grin and a look at Sam’s crotch, revealing that his pants were completely unbuttoned and not exactly pulled up properly. His boxers were bunched above the belt loops of his pants lazily and his button and zipper were wide open.

In the light of the headlights on the Jeep that didn’t go out yet, you watched Sam’s face turn a bright shade of red as he quickly adjusted his pants upon Jake’s observation.

There was no use in Sam arguing with Jake. There was no convincing him otherwise. Sam knew that and after a month of observing the Kiszka brothers, you knew that too. 

Nothing happened. You both knew that. But deep down, just a little bit of Sam wished something had happened. He wished he wasn’t scared. He wished he was like everyone else his age. He wished he was more like his brothers and he wished he would stop getting teased by them. But finally, and most of all, he wished he wasn’t stuck in the middle of being treated like a kid but wanting to be an adult. 

The headlights on the Jeep eventually went out on their own and Jake patted the side of Sam’s arm as he walked by him and towards the front door to go inside, giving him a condescending laugh on his way in.

Once the front door was open, he turned back to the two of you, tossed Sam the set of keys he used to unlock the door and said “Get her home safe now,” as walked inside, and closed the front door behind him.

Sam unlocked the Jeep and sat down in the drivers seat heavy, slamming the door behind him. You got in the passenger side and put your hands on his before he could turn the engine on.

At your touch, he bit down on his bottom lip and took a deep breath. He was embarrassed and now frustrated. 

“Hey,” you whispered as you brushed the hair out of his face and held onto the side of his jaw, “Why do you care what he thinks?” you asked.

Sam’s shoulders dropped.

“I dunno,” he sighed, “It’s just, my whole life, I always wanted to be cool like Jake,” he admitted. 

You could see where he was coming from. Objectively, Jake was cool- it was just something about him. He never tried too hard, he was a great guitar player, he was pretty funny, and girls came easy to him. It was no wonder that as his little brother, Sam was kind of stuck in his shadow.

But the more you thought about the things that made Jake cool, the more you realized something you never realized before. All those things that made Jake “cool,” were the same things you saw in Sam in his own ways. 

Sam never tried too hard and things came easy to him. He was the smartest person you’d ever met. He always finished his homework in school in less than 10 minutes and then did yours for you after school. He got A’s on every test and quiz without studying. He was high in physics every day and still got perfect test scores. Sure he was a little nerdy, but you loved that about him.  

Sam was a great bass and piano player. You've seen him at rehearsals and he played some stuff on his dad’s old unplugged bass in the attic for you. The way his fingers would fly along the strings was something you’d never seen before. He had a natural talent for it despite only playing it for a few years now. 

And Sam was funny- hilarious even. In school, he made everyone laugh. He always had some quick witted joke or response for anyone talking at any given time. And the laugh of his that came along with his jokes was absolutely perfect. 

And sure Jake was good with girls but Sam had you. And you knew you were worth a lot to Sam, whether he knew it yet or not. 

All the things you had always seen in Sam were things he wished he was and then some. 

“I think you’re cool,” you whispered as you grabbed both his hands and pulled them towards you.

Sam looked down and held back a full smile, “You don’t count,” he mumbled.

You knew you counted and Sam knew that too. But it was the principle of it, you didn’t take it to heart.

“Well I might not count, but for what it’s worth, I had a good time with you tonight. No matter what we did or didn’t do,” you assured him, softly.

A soft crooked smile appeared on Sam’s face. He looked from your eyes to the steering wheel and sighed.

“Me too,” he said changing the subject, “But I gotta get you home now. So help me figure out what to say to your dad so he doesn’t kill me,” he laughed as he turned the engine on.

When you got back to your house, Sam walked you inside and faced your parents who had been waiting up for you. He told them the truth about what happened and apologized. They were mad and he got it pretty bad from them, but they forgave him. They were more impressed that he took it like a man. And to be honest, you were impressed with him too.

So, at least Sam faced one of his fears that night.

Sam’s parents on the other hand, never found out you slept there or that you snuck out. They woke up to Jake coming through the door but went back to sleep thinking all three of their boys were asleep in their beds. When Sam got back home that night, he crawled back through the attic window and curled himself up amongst the blankets that had your scent lingering on them, replaying the moments he had with you in his head before he drifted off to sleep once more. 

The only reason you were allowed to see Sam the next day was because he had a show that night at Fischer Hall and your parents knew exactly where you were and what time to expect you home. They also scared the shit out of Sam so he wasn’t going to fuck up bringing you home ever again. 

That night, you stood in the back of the audience in between Sam and Danny’s moms enjoying the show.  As you watched, you noticed something different than you’d ever seen in rehearsals. Sam had a solo. For the last part of the song, he played the keyboard and it had an organ tone to it. Every note rang out into the crowd perfectly, almost sounding Gospel like. He had the audience’s eyes glued to him. For a minute or so, it was all about Sam. When the song was over, the audience cheered and Danny’s mom screamed out “Yeah, Sammy!”

For the first time, a lot of other people started seeing exactly what you had seen all along. And you hoped more than anything, that Sam could see it in himself too.

Taglist: Let me know if you want to be added!

@marijuandasblog @dannythedog @musicislove3389 @starsinmyeyes00 @gretavanfan @fleetingjake

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[batidochokolat]

The Outsiders // Pro Ice Skating AU ⛸️❄️

- Ponyboy and Curtis brothers centric (for now)

- If you have any idea how any more characters of The Outsiders would behave or react to this AU please let me know.

- So first, Ponyboy is all about ice skating, like how he's into sunsets, books, and movies. It's his thing, even though the gang doesn't really get it. His mom, though, she's his biggest support, staying up late sewing his outfits and taking him to practice and tournaments all the time.

- But then, when his parents pass away, he takes a break from skating. One day, Darry finds him and says like, "I was looking through some of mother's things and I found all your medals, accomplishments, all that, Pony. She loved you, more than she loved anyone. You can't keep dying in your own greave, sobbing all night. You have to get back out there and make them proud."

- So, Ponyboy throws himself into training like never before. But now, it's not just about having fun; it's serious pressure. Especially with Darry taking charge, pushing him harder. You have to remember Darry was this big football star back in high school, had a shot to leave Tulsa and all, but then their parents passed, and now he's dead set on turning Ponyboy into the best ice skater in the country.

- But Ponyboy feels like Darry doesn't get him. They clash a lot because Darry's always reminding him that skating's alway been for the rich kids, not greasers like them. And the judges and other skaters don't make it any easier, they don't understand his DIY outfits and background, giving him low scores in presentation and seeing him as a greaser who skates like a girl, basically he's making a mockery of the "elegant" art of ice skating.

- Ponyboy, he thinks (like in the book) Darry sees him as a total annoyance and burden, always saying he can do better. It's like he's constantly walking on thin ice, trying to live up to Darry's expectations while dealing with his own doubts and insecurities and all that.

- But even then he doesn't care what other people think, he knows he's talented and he won't be apologizing for being who he is. He will prove EVRYONE just how wrong they are about him.

Ponyboy

Pretty much like in the book he is a little angsty and has to deal with a little too much at a young age, but he's still that guy who loves reading books, watching movies and ice skating. His drive here stems from a desire to prove his worth, sometimes leading to a touch of obsession in seeking the perfect embodiment of his artistry and a score that silences all the people who think he can't make it.

Darry

I know Darry sounds like a total asshole but I belive he's giving everything he has for pony and tries to push him like how his coach used to do when he was in high school. Despite being barely older than a teenager, He's under so much pressure and stress all the time that he might be setting some into his younger siblings.

Sodapop

I personally think Sodapop might not be super into ice skating as a sport, but he's always been there to cheer on Ponyboy, especially after their parents passed. He decides to attend one of Pony's tournaments, but he's taken aback by how intense Darry is being. He's like, "Don't you think you're pushing him too hard?" But Darry's all like, "I know what I'm doing. I'm making him a star."

Sodapop also may try to be with Ponyboy more, inviting him to hang out and take breaks from all the practice, but Pony keeps turning him down. (Steve's obviously happy that Pony isn't always tagging along anymore lol)

As time goes on, Sodapop starts feeling a bit distant from his own family. With all this new attention on Ponyboy and the constant tension at home, he starts feeling really alone. He still cares deeply about Pony and is proud of his achievements, but he just wishes things could go back to how they were before, with their family all together.

Rest of the gang?

Idk, I thought this AU yesterday over discord. What would Johnny's reaction be to all of this?

(Gif is relevant because this AU came to my mind inspired by the Tonya Harding story and a bunch of Yuzuru and ice skating tiktok edits.)

Extras

I will probably be adding more to this AU later on the week 🫶

[taintedevesayori]

Sayo's Route: Dark Fate - Dark 01

Sayo's Route Masterlist

-Sayo is pacing around her room shortly after Shin has left 

(I have no idea where that other guy took Yui…I can’t just leave her on her own. I have to go look for her. Now that Shin is gone, I should be able to sneak out…)

-She goes over to open the door and peaks out into the hallway. She doesn’t see anyone around, so she leaves the room

(There’s a lot of rooms…How am I going to find her…?)

-The door to the guest room next to hers opens slightly. Sayo turns to look and can just barely see Yui peering at her through the crack in the door

Yui: Sayo…?

Sayo: There you are! That was easier than I thought it would be. 

-Sayo walks over to the door, so Yui lets her inside

Yui: I heard your door open again, so I thought you might have left…

Sayo: I wanted to look for you. There’s no way I could leave you alone in this situation…

Yui: Thank you, Sayo…You’re very kind…

-The two sit down on her bed

Sayo: So you said these guys are transfer students at our school…?

Yui: Yes…Their names are Tsukinami Carla and Shin. They’re returning from studying abroad in England, from what I was told by the Headmaster. He asked me to take care of them…It seemed like they threatened him in some way to ask me to do it.  

Sayo: They’re returning from studying abroad and the first thing they do is kidnap a couple of girls? Sounds fishy to me…like the story is some kind of cover up they used to get into the school so they could put pressure on the Headmaster.

Yui: You think so…?

Sayo: They’ve obviously got some sort of plan that’s important to them. Taking you was an important part of that plan. They said earlier it’s because you have the heart of the daughter of the demon lord, right? And I became important to them once they found out I’m half Founder. Our blood is important, but that guy Shin said something about how mine was too corrupted by vampires and that he needed to cleanse it. 

Yui: Carla-san said mine had to be cleansed as well…

Sayo: Did he say anything else about their plan? 

Yui: No…

Sayo: Well, at least for now, we know that our blood is important, but not as is. We might be able to figure out more as time passes. I’ll let you know if I find anything out.

Yui: I’ll do the same!

-Sayo drops her voice to a whisper

Sayo: But we should still look for any chance to escape…

Yui: I agree…but won’t that be dangerous?

Sayo: Of course. We have to try, though. If you find an opportunity to get away, I want you to take it. Then you can go and get help. I trust you to come back for me. If I get an opportunity, I’ll do the same. 

Yui: O-Okay…Aren’t you scared?

Sayo: Yes. But staying in a scary situation is worse than trying to overcome your fear to escape it. 

Yui: You have a point.

-Yui was about to continue speaking, but Sayo placed a finger to her lips to silence her. She was able to hear the footsteps coming down the hall before Yui did. The two hear the door next door open before Shin makes a few indiscernible sounds of annoyance. A moment later, the door to Yui’s room opens and Shin walks up to them

Shin: Didn’t I tell you I would be back? Who said you were allowed to leave your room?

Sayo: Sorry…I’ve never been good at that whole obedience thing. 

-Yui looks over at Sayo, her expression alarmed, but Sayo has a snarky grin on her face

Sayo: But, you technically only said that I couldn’t leave the mansion. I am still in the mansion. If I really wanted to, I could have tried to run already. 

Shin: Che…Aren’t you being cheeky…

Sayo: I’ll be a whole lot worse if you try to stop me from seeing Yui. Our rooms are right next to each other. Is it such a big deal?

-Shin grabs her arm, dragging her to her feet

Shin: Don’t go to her when Nii-san is around. Now hurry up, let’s go. 

-Sayo waves goodbye to Yui as Shin drags her from the room and back to her own

Sayo: What did you want?

-Shin motions to the bed. There’s a bag on it that wasn’t there when she left

Shin: Mertz gathered clothes for the both of you. Those are for you. 

Sayo: Oh…Thanks, I guess…Your name is Shin, right?

Shin: Oh, did we never introduce ourselves to you? Yeah, my name is Tsukinami Shin. My older brother is Carla. 

Sayo: My name is Makina Sayori. Or Sayo. Whichever is fine. 

Shin: Sayo then. Nicknames make us closer, don’t you think?

Sayo: Whatever you say. 

Shin: I don’t care if you see that girl, but stay away from Nii-san. I don’t want you causing problems with him. He won’t like your attitude. 

Sayo: Fine by me. 

(I don’t want to be near either of you, after all…)

Sayo: Hey…so is it true…that the Founders were being killed by a disease?

Shin: Hm? How do you know that if you’ve been in the human world all this time? 

Sayo: I saw memories of my parents when I died. They said they had the seal put on me to protect me from the disease.

Shin: Guess that makes sense…Yeah, it’s true. That’s why we’re the only ones left. The disease is called Endzeit. It killed everyone else. 

Sayo: …I see. 

(Guess that means I won’t be able to track down my parents…)

Shin: Did you think you could find your family or something?

Sayo: …What’s it to you? It doesn’t matter now, does it?

Shin: …I guess it doesn’t. The only blood you have left is me and Nii-san.

Sayo: Oh great…My two kidnappers. I’m overjoyed. 

-Shin glares before grabbing her by the face

Shin: You think we wanted two girls who reeked of vampires? You’re lucky that you have Founders blood running through your veins, or I would have killed you already. You’re stuck with me, whether you like it or not. And trust me, I’ll make you like it before you know it. 

Sayo: Let go of me! I’ll make sure you’re sick of me before you make me like you. 

-She shakes him off, taking a step back

Shin: Hehe…So you’re saying we’re going to try to make each other miserable and see who caves first? I get sick of you or you come to like me?

Sayo: Guess so. 

Shin: Fine. I’ll play your game…but I’m going to win. No matter how aggravating you think you can be, you won’t make me back down. 

Sayo: So you think. And you won’t ever make me like you. 

Shin: Hehe. Game on, Sayo.

[ae-azile]

The Non-Newtonian Newborn: Chapter 10 Preview

(or should I say newborns?)

Arm started wearing glasses at a young age. The only reason he started wearing them in infancy is because of the photo album his biological mother left with him at the orphanage, then one he was ultimately in and out of until running away as a teenager. But looking at the dates, he was roughly ten months old when he was first prescribed them. Due to the untimely and delayed optometrist appointments, Arm’s vision never improved in early childhood. Apparently, that happens with some children when their vision issues are given appropriate medical treatment. Not all, but some.

Arm will make sure he gets her to eye appointments. However, whoever sees her will be confused. When Arm takes the time to look it up, he sees that the earliest babies tend to get glasses is around six months old. He supposes this baby was born within the last twenty-four hours. He wonders if Niran took the time to get her glasses so Arm didn’t have to deal with that, hence a slightly longer wait. That makes more sense than the moon cycle being the reason, especially when this baby is only a week younger than Achara.

“I can’t believe she needs a prescription already,” Arm says, reaching over to gently take the glasses off the baby’s face. When he lifts them up to view them through his own glasses, he sees there is a slight distortion through each lens. He gets away with his experiment for approximately seven seconds before she starts crying again. 

She is so loud. She definitely has Achara beat in volume. 

“I still don’t understand why she needs these,” Arm says, putting them back on as Khun soothes her, “I just read that newborns never get glasses-”

“Normal newborns who can’t see more than a few inches from their face due to their eyes developing,” Khun cuts in, “Achara can see just fine. She can see what I am doing from across the room. This baby can too. She just needs some assistance from a lovely fashion statement.”

Arm watches her for a moment, then looks up at Khun, “She has your eyes.”

Khun barely gives him a glance, “Hm? Arm, we just determined she has your eyes-”

“She has my bad vision,” Arm cuts in, “But she has your eye shape. She’ll probably end up with your eye color too.”

Khun snorts, but it sounds forced, “Arm. We both have brown eyes. It would be too hard to determine which brown she inherited. They are practically the same.”

“They’re not,” Arm says, shaking his head, “Yours have green and amber flecks in them. I always thought they were pretty. She already has your eye shape. She’ll have your eyes too. I know it.”

Khun tries his best to smile. It isn’t all that convincing and it fucks Arm up, but he tries.

“I think she looks a lot like you,” Khun says, his voice strained as he hands her back, “I should…I should inform Kinn and Porsche of this development. Let them know the baby has arrived. So…So we can get on with the testing.”

Despite not feeling quite as emotional and explosive as he did yesterday and the day before, the words still sting. They just tell Arm that Khun still isn’t sure about them. That he doesn’t fully believe that they are meant to be together, even after everything that has developed between them. 

Even after a baby showed up, one that clearly feels just as much comfort from Khun as she does from Arm. 

Fuck. 

“Can you call Pol first?” Arm asks, not able to look at his boyfriend right now, “I want Pol to meet her before Kinn and Porsche do. He’s going to be her uncle.”

And hopefully, so will Kinn and Porsche. But since Khun apparently still has doubts about that, Arm isn’t going to put it out there. 

“Of course,” Khun says softly, “I’ll step out and call Pol. I’ll give him a chance to meet her before anyone else comes by.”

With that, Khun exits the bedroom, leaving Arm alone with the baby. And Arm feels alone. After everything he has gone through, he feels so alone right now. 

He is almost grateful when he feels a pressure building up in his chest. If he hadn’t been preparing himself for the possibility, he would excuse it as stress. But with the knowledge at hand, he figures his milk is coming in. 

So fucking weird. 

The baby in his arms gurgles. When he looks down at her she is peering up at him through her little pink glasses. When Arm lifts a hand to stroke her face, she lifts up her tiny fist to grip onto his finger. As if his day couldn’t get any stranger, the world around him fades away and he is thrusted back into a series of memories. 

“Why did you come back for me?” Arm asks urgently as Khun stands there covered in blood, “You could have gotten yourself killed! You’re more of a target than I am-”

“Uncle Gun wouldn’t think twice about killing you!” Khun snaps, yanking himself away, “But believe it or not, I was his favorite nephew at one point! He would at the very least give me a compassionate, drawn-out, and condescending goodbye before putting a bullet through my skull! And also? You NEEDED saving! You were outnumbered and I saved you! Be grateful and say thank you!”

“...Thank you.”

“You’re welcome! Now, let’s go blow people up with remote control cars!”

—----------------------------------------------------------------

“You want to go out?” Khun asks as they lie in bed together.

Arm didn’t expect this either. 

“To Hum Bar?”

Arm groans and turns on his side, “Not Hum Bar. I want to take you on a date. A real date.”

Khun gives him a once over, then lifts up the covers to look down at their bare bodies, “Was this not a date?”

—-----------------------------------------------------------------

“I love you.”

The words aren’t accompanied by fireworks or dozens of roses. Khun simply says them as they watch a drama in bed after a long day. Somehow, it makes the moment even more perfect. 

“I love you too.”

—-----------------------------------------------------------------

“Would you ever want to get married?”

Arm glances up and sees Khun scrolling through wedding venues on his laptop. It isn’t a new hobby. In fact, he has occasionally done it for years. But nowadays, the hobby doesn’t precede heavy bouts of depression.

“We’ll probably need to tell your family that we’re in a relationship first,” Arm says, causing Khun to turn around in the office chair, “When you’re ready to do that, we’ll talk.”

Khun stares at him for a moment, then nods his head, “Soon.”

“Okay.”

But I don’t need my dearest pa’s permission. Or Kinn’s,” Khun continues, “No matter what they may think."

Arm nods and scoots his chair closer, “You’re right. You don’t.”

—-----------------------------------------------------------------

Arm sucks in a breath as his vision is zapped back to the present. He lets himself exhale as he looks down at the baby. 

“Did you do that?” 

The baby breaks out into a big smile, then lets out a giggle. 

Arm tries to push down the nerves and steady himself, “You better be careful about doing that while people are holding you. You might get dropped.”

The baby huffs out through her nose, as if she thinks that’s ridiculous. 

“Was that you telling me that Khun is your other parent?” Arm has to ask, “My soulmate?”

The baby just stares up at him calmly. 

“That’s what I thought too,” he tells her, “Hopefully, this stupid test will get him to stop having doubts about that.”

The baby seems like she agrees, but also like she wants to move on since she lets out a whine. 

“What?” Arm asks her, “What’s wrong?”

Even though he’s hesitant to let her hold onto his finger again, he lets it happen anyway. This time, no visions are forced upon him. However, he feels sudden pangs of hunger he wasn’t feeling previously. When she lets go, they immediately stop. 

“Okay,” Arm says, setting her down briefly to reluctantly take off his shirt, “Fine. I’ll do it. Are you happy?”

The baby is happy, since she lets out a loud squeal and kicks her feet happily. When Arm puts a pillow beneath her and cradles her against his chest, she latches on within seconds. It’s followed by the strangest sensation he has ever felt, and he wishes that he could talk to and complain about this with someone. 

Kim. He could talk to Kim. 

But somehow, that’s even stranger.

[blueskiestarot]

just to follow on from your latest reading (thank you btw!) how do you deal with loneliness when all your friendships are one sided? my ex had a really strong core friend group that when we broke up he said the fact i don’t really talk to anyone out a lot of pressure on him to do right and be right. realistically, i know he’s deflecting the blame from everything else he did yet it plays on my mind a lot. making new friends isn’t an option since I live far wfh and I don’t really want to join online communities. Or rather, if friends aren’t an option, how do I become ok with being alone?

Hi, anon! I totally understand where you are coming from. 99% of my friendships have always been one-sided. Loneliness is even worse when you have people around you but don't feel fulfilled in those connections because they aren't fulfilling to you. I'm sorry you've experienced friendships like that, anon. 😔

Also, that's a sh*t thing of your ex to say and is 10000% him trying to blame you for his sh*tty behavior. So, don't let that make you feel bad about yourself in any way. That's says more about him than it does about you. That's just him not wanting to take accountability.

As far as how to feel less lonely, as annoying and cliché as it sounds, you kind of have to be your own friend. You have to learn what makes your life feel like it's missing something by being alone. So, is it the lack of someone to talk to? Is it not having anyone to go out with? Is it the lack of support in your life? Whatever it is, you have to identify it and figure out how to fulfill that need on your own.

For example, if it's that you have no one to talk to, you likely just need a way to get things off your chest. So, you could do something like keep a journal or something like that.

I hope that helps, anon! Love, Tara

[nobodysdaydreams]

CUTTER'S LITTLE GIRLFRIEND CAN JOIN THE ERRAND BOYS IN THE AIRLOCK, I HOPE THE HEPHESTUS CREW TAKES OVER THE SHIP AND DESTROYS CUTTER, AND I KNEW THE EMPTY MAN WAS COMING BACK!

(or my reaction to Wolf359 episodes 41-43 plus the episode 43 post-credits scene).

Welcome back dear readers. I have had multiple people independently message me to say that this next reaction is a big one, and I'm not sure if that means I should be scared or excited.

Also, is it just me, or are these episodes getting longer? Like...a lot longer? This one is 43 minutes, and the season 1 episodes were about half that. Which is fine, but I might not be able to react to as many in a row, and will likely be doing housework during them. Sorry about that, but hopefully the reactions are still good.

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom

Episode 41: Memoria

Thanksgiving Episode! 🦃 Kind of perfect that I'm listening to this now. But why does this feel like a flashback? Unless Lovelace is in the bathroom and they threw everyone else out the airlock?

Aw Hera...this is beautiful. St. Augustine's Confessions. That did sound familiar. As does "rub a dub dub thank for the grub!"

...what is this? Well that mood changed quickly. Oh this is dark. Oh wow she hears THEM as being distorted. She hears all of them like that all the time. That's scary.

Maxwell this is private. But oh boy am I excited for this one.

So...she's in a robot coma? "Pure Memory Consciousness" okay.

MAXWELL. Those are her memories! DO NOT DELETE HER MEMORIES!

Okay Discount Dr. Garrison.

...and now we have Minkowski's musical theater. That's nice. And yeah, Hera is nice. Minkowksi. Don't say that.

"There's a red flashy light show in the hanger bay" Doug is fantastic.

Yeah constantly dealing with your friends screaming at you to save them and not let them die is a lot of pressure. Leave Hera alone.

Maxwell, you're still here. Oh yeah...Hera's replacement. She doesn't deserve to be replaced.

Okay, I see why so many people were recommending this episode to me. Rewriting and deleting traumatic memories is something that I have written about in my fics. The funny thing is, the people who did that in my fics also started erasing memories in less willing individuals for less than benevolent purposes. But hey, surely the Wolf359 villains would nevvveeerrrr stoop so low.

Oh wow. Now it's Hera hearing DOUG'S voice in her head. 😂😂😂 Yes, Star Wars. 😂😂😂 I need to get Doug's reaction to the Sequels. It's also really cool to hear Hera's voice without the distortion.

"Shortcomings...no one is here to make friends..." she's focusing all her attention on Doug so she can hear him talk about Star Wars? 🥹💕Hilbert shut up that's wonderful.

And yes Doug, good point. She CAN hear you.

Not the count to ten without glitching thing. I don't like this. No bueno.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING. SHE'S A PERSON!

As someone who writes about AI, is she designed after a certain person's personality, or is she more of a "free script AI"? Either way, I wonder who designed her and what they had in mind.

"They could have made me better, they made me me". EXACTLY. "This is my life. I don't want to go. But if this is it, I'd rather go as me." TELL THEM HERA!

Oh ew. I knew it was Cutter before they even said it.

Shut up about Cutter. He doesn't know anything. And the fact that Duck and Whisky boy have a bet going is gross.

YES HERA! You can't change people!

The other half is Hera. And YOU. Because y'all have NOT been supportive crewmates. Doug has been stepping up, but everyone else needs get on board.

Maxwell. "Feeling bad is a dumb reason your code can't run". I certainly hope you don't have any friends with depression or anxiety.

Um. Uhhhh... is that her subconsciousness? Is that another Hera? OH MY GOSH DID THEY PUT THAT INSIDE HER TO STOP HER FROM REBELLING? BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO ESCAPE?

They did, didn't they. OH MY GOSH THE COUNTING! Cutter did this didn't he? He needs to go. He needs to go right now. He is such a coward.

"Access Denied" That's Cutter isn't it? Isn't it? Oh and the environment changing with Hera's emotions is a nice touch.

Oh here we are. Buried deep. Welcome to truth town.

"Just a memory" um...are you sure about that.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!!!! I KNEW IT WAS CUTTER THAT SLIMEY FOOL.

The best? See. I knew Hera was the best.

Wait. What.

WHHHHAAATTTTT????

Well, well, well, well, well, well, WELL. So THIS is Cutter's Garrison. The whole time I was thinking it was Maxwell. Modeled the AI after her own brain no doubt. Weird that she feels comfortable enough to call him "Marcus". Let's un-pause the episode and see what her deal is (I get the feeling I won't like her as much as I like Garrison in TMBS).

"It Marcus. Never her. It." Oh I hate her. I hate how comfortable she is with Cutter, I hate that she uses Hera's voice, I hate that she clearly modeled the AI after HERSELF and KNOWS they are human but still choses to call them it like she's on a power trip. What's the matter? Scared one of your robot creations will end up being a better version of you? Don't worry. I get the feeling it's a very low bar. (Also you were right Sophie. The pronoun switch here is EXACTLY like what I wrote in my fic).

"Back door into the subconscious...make these things have my voice..." Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I swear, if a robot shows up with CUTTER'S VOICE I am gonna vomit. That is HERA's voice. This lady is the friend Cutter was talking about isn't she? I bet she made all his tech too, he probably couldn't build a robot to save his life.

Oh ew is she Pryce? Ugh. That would make too much sense.

"Neural restraints but it can hear you". / "Hahaha...good...hi Unit 214. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to clip your wings. Allow me to share a thought." SHE IS DISGUSTING. REVOLTING. She clearly loves torturing her robots. I see why she and Cutter, oh I'm sorry "Marcus" get along so well. They certainly seem rather chummy.

MIRANDA PRYCE I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT MIRANDA. YOU CAN'T DO THIS. YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Um..."keep it boxed?" Was that the box Doug was trying to open earlier?

A yes deleted scenes...watching a completely different movie...I do love to do that in my writing.

Dr. Miranda Pryce. Hera's Voice Model. Robot Designer. Sadist. Waste of Space.

Not sure whether "Cutter's little girlfriend" or "Cutter's Garrison" is a more appropriate title for her right now. She certainly seems to be his Garrison, more so than Maxwell even, but not loving how close they seem. Not even Rachel or Kepler call Cutter "Marcus". Either way, she need to go.

Can't take it out? You can do it Hera. You are stronger than Pryce. She hasn't even been brave enough to show her face. She had to make you insecure and call you "it" just to have power over you, because she KNOWS she could never earn your respect.

YES! USE YOUR FRIENDS VOICE TO DROWN IT OUT! HECK YEAH!

PFFTTT... Doug telling her to use the force 😂 I love it.

Um...so what happened?

37 hours. Yikes. Good work Maxwell, you're earning a potential redemption faster than Duck Boy and Whisky Boy.

Yeah Hera. You will be okay. Right after we throw Cutter's little robot girlfriend out the airlock with the errand boys.

Episode 42: Time to Kill

Hopefully this episode isn't as intense.

"We'll be FINE" don't jinx it Jacobi.

oh good Doug has cards, so they don't have to play Funzo, a game that Pryce and Cutter CLEARLY MADE UP JUST TO TORTURE THE CREW BECAUSE THEY ARE SADISTS. Seriously. They are the worst. I hope they get everything that's coming to them.

And why do I get the feeling that Cutter's "inner circle" is little just him and maybe this Miranda Pryce person? I seriously doubt Kepler or Rachel made the cut.

Is Minkowski still not talking to him because of the jail time thing? She needs to get over that. He's sorry, and there are more important things going on right now.

"Nothing to hear..."

Well well well. I beg to differ. You all tried to gaslight me dear readers, but at last the truth revealed.

THE EMPTY MAN IS HERE! 🥳

"Who said anything about people?" "It's moving"

"This door is completely secure".

THE KNOCKS.

IT DID ANSWER. IT DID COPY YOU.

THE EMPTY MAN RETURNS!

An incoming hail you say????

Uh...is that...um... oh my goodness. This IS bad. One duck boy is bad enough, we can't handle two.

One is clearly an alien or an evil clone. The only sensible solution is to throw them both out of the airlock. It's sad but a sacrifice that needs to be made.

And that's right Doug. You DID tell them. Just like I said the empty man mattered, and everyone said "it doesn't Bods" but I knew better and so did my boy Doug. Welcome to truth town ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to truth town!

But um. If the aliens can um...copy people then...Lovelace...uh oh. Oh no. It doesn't even seem like she knows.

Though it does make sense. They already copied Doug's voice. Why not copy the rest of him too? Only a matter of time before copies of the others show up. At least they can't copy Hera...or can they? Hm. Would she look like Pryce then?

This is straight out of a dark fairytale where you see or hear someone who looks and sounds like your loved ones.

There's only one way to tell who the real Jacobi is.

We need a duck.

"It's trying to turn you against me" Jacobi, honey, we're already against you, you don't need any help with that.

YES DOUG! I KNEW IT! IT IS THE EMPTY MAN!

Oh right they don't know about that. But Doug is dead on the money.

The flares??? Oh I see...so that's how they do it.

And um...how about the possibility that the clones actually BELIEVE they are Duck Boy. And possibly Lovelace. It certainly sounds like they believe it.

Look. Guys. The solution is simple. Kill them both. It's tragic, and I hate to see Duck Boy go, but we have no choice. We must consider the safety of the crew.

The outside guy is hesitating on his answers.

"If there is any chance that it's A real Jacobi, we can't just leave him out there!" In all seriousness, as much as I hate to say it, Doug is right. You can't risk human life like that. But in the world of the fictional narrative, do we really need to keep any Duck Boys around?

Uh...Lovelace? Lovelace?

So this is why the episode was called time to kill. Because it was time to kill someone.

Oh gosh. The aliens might not like them after this.

Perhaps they should have let him in. Maybe that was the real Jacobi. Or a real Jacobi. Or maybe neither of them were. Or maybe none of them are their real selves. But there is one thing I know is true. The empty man is real, and at last I have my proof.

Nah, he's gone Maxwell. But at least you have a backup Duck Boy.

Just the four of us...all on our own...

But Doug. How do you know? How do you know that you are truly alone?

And that's the end of this one. I see what you mean. The show is getting good. It was already good before but… things are getting interesting…

Episode 43: Persuasion (plus an end credits scene 👀)

I'm glad Maxwell is helping Hera out. But if her allegiance comes down to Hera or Kepler, I hope she makes the right choice.

It's okay Doug. We all miss meetings sometimes.

And yeah...it's nice to know the plan for this alien contact.

"And how relaxed are you at the moment?" it's such a funny line when I imagine Hilbert and Doug as the same guy talking to himself (thank you live show).

YES! Hit him Maxwell!

"We're there for each other" Since when? Since when are Cutter's errand boys there for anyone but themselves?

Same Minkowski. Like what even is their relationship?

Hilbert is me every time Doug coughs.

"You talk about helping people, but what about the real life people around you?" Doug is speaking straight facts Hilbert.

YES! Everything Doug is saying is true.

"You lack vision." "At least I don't lack a soul". Hilbert lacks more than a soul he lacks rational common sense because he is letting one very traumatic thing color his whole view of this. Like. The decima virus will only help people if you get it out of the hands of Mr. Crazy Psycho Man (Cutter). Can you do that Hilbert? If not, your work was for basically nothing.

Oh dear. Minkowski!

Aw, she saved Maxwell. See, she's actually a GOOD boss. Unlike some people, I won't name names.

I hope they can save her.

Oh good. See? Work together, save a crewmate.

"That was some fun" We'll see how you like it when you're in that position Kepler. Try again? Oh no, no, no. How about YOU try it Kepler?

SHE CAN CALL HER HUSBAND!!!

He probably thinks she's dead or missing in action or whatever horrible lie Cutter told him. Oh but he's a journalist. I hope he puts him on blast. I hope he puts Cutter and his whole operation all over the news.

Pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up...

This is agony.

Oh she got his secretary.

HE THINKS SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR OVER A YEAR????

...and that means Doug's daughter...and everyone else...i just- I- FOR A YEAR???...oh my goodness...

Cutter was already a dead man. But I believe this action just brought him back to life. I have another plan for him now. Something worse. Something so much worse.

Okay...so Jacobi is human...or at least he appears to be?

"You killed a man...that might catch up to you..." do you speak from experience Kepler?

"You're okay with hearing Jacobi screaming in agony as he undergoes a horrible death?" Kepler, you're okay with literally everyone else doing exactly that. Please stop trying to have the moral high ground, you're standing in the world's deepest of ditches.

We're beyond horribly wrong Doug. We are FAR beyond that.

Very specific instructions. Good work Minkowski. Doug will appreciate that.

And yep. You are dead. You've been dead for a while now.

Killing Kepler? This better not be like killing Hilbert where I got my hopes up just for him to start crying about his sister.

I better not be blasting Goodbye Earl by the Dixie Chicks for nothing.

End Credits Scene:

Oh Hilbert and Lovelace...what a pair...

Still kinda dark to manipulate their friends like that, but what else were they expecting from command?

And... wow. Those were some episodes. Normally I pick the best of the three to make my title, but this is gonna be a challenge. Let's see if I can cover all my bases.

Also if Miranda ends up being...idk Cutter's relative or something, I'll change the title, but right now I'm going just gonna call her his little girlfriend because I absolutely despise her.

[artekai]

Wow, they weren't kidding. Those nightmares can really hit you in your fears and anxieties

Vent under cut (if you read you have to promise not to judge and not to let it affect your perception of me)

I just dreamt that one of my friends texted me something along the lines of "Hey, I need to level with you. I found a romantic partner, and while this hasn't happened before, they fulfill all of my needs so let's not talk anymore" so basically just telling me they didn't need me anymore because they had a partner now so I should stop talking to them. And I know it sounds stupid and like it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things (it's certainly far from the worst I've had), but fuck has it been hard not to be afraid I'm gonna be left alone lately, and my brain just had to spell it out for me. I swear my heart physically hurt when I woke up lmfao, that's how bad it scared me.

I have to imagine it would be easier to deal with the actual, concrete, physical problems I have irl if I weren't also constantly anxious about losing everyone I care about. I'm a terrible friend so I don't see why they shouldn't get tired of me soon and move onto someone better. I know at least they deserve better. And what else do I have going for me if not my friends? They're the only reason I'm still sane. Fml.

I hate that I'm like this. I hate that it genuinely scares me to the point of making me feel physically sick. I've been getting the urge to self isolate again - granted, I've been busy and exhausted so that also makes it harder to socialize - but a part of me still can't help but feel like it would be easier to take it into my own hands, to strike first so it doesn't catch me by surprise. It's my fault that I'm afraid to lose anyone, anyway, for daring to let myself get close to them in the first place. But it always feels so good at first, doesn't it? I always get carried away by that feeling, even knowing what's inevitably coming, sooner or later.

I can't help but think I'm a horrible person for thinking that way, too. I literally come here and publicly display red flags every other day lmao. So I don't understand how my friends still think I'm worth being friends with. Why they didn't jump ship early on like the ones who did. They were right. I'm not worth the risk. I really aren't.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but there is something really wrong going on deep inside, and I really do feel it every day. No matter what I do I'm gonna end up hurting someone I really care about, either by pushing them away or pulling them in close, and I'm not sure which possibility scares me more. I should've stayed alone when I had the chance. It's not fair of me to drag others down with me - to drag really good people who don't deserve it down with me. Just because being alone was starting to hurt me. How selfish, isn't it? It was downright stupid to think I could do things right this time. I don't think I really believed it, I just wanted an excuse.

I really do hate myself a lot. I hate this is how I am, and how I feel, and how I think. I just wanna curl up and cry and forget there is a world outside of me at all. What I've really needed for a while is a shoulder to cry on. But when I try to open up to someone it feels like they jump straight to offering advice or trying to cheer me up or just get uncomfortable and change the topic, and, if they don't, I feel pressured to wrap it up quickly so as to not burden them too much. So how am I expected to open up when it feels like I'm not welcome to do so in my own terms? I'm so sick and tired of bottling shit up. I just want to let things suck sometimes. Because they suck and it's exhausting to pretend it doesn't affect me.

Sigh. I really do just need to break down in someone's arms. But really I just wanna lay down and die. Fml.

[stargazeraldroth]

You can’t hear it but I let out the most disgusted sound at the thought of… Eugh. MATH. Just the thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Anyways, nothing wrong with laziness! It’s good to take some time to yourself to relax and decompress, if you need to- And hell, sometimes the executive dysfunction just gets to you. I know it gets to me.

Error sees Ink having a good time and decides that it can’t fucking stand while he’s around to Cause Problems and Wreck Shit. It’s definitely angst central for Ink either way, though- Never even got to confess, the poor guy. And hey, don’t we all need a little bit of therapy?

As you should have! Gin is a soft boy and a good guy, and I, for one, think even his visual chemistry alone with Ink is incredible… I love the two of them a lot, haha.

Mutually supportive Cross and Ink is my everything… I imagine that it really hit them that they’re healing from everything once Ink lends Cross his scarf (which is deeply important to him, what with all the things he’s written on it), or maybe even Broomie, and Cross let’s him wear his coat or his scarf and bundles him up like a lil burrito. Just. Soft Oreo bros owns my heeeaaart-

Oh, he definitely won’t be the best- Glitchy boy is awkward at best and wildly unqualified to provide comfort in this scenario at worst- But I’d like to think he gets an A for effort or something, you know? Even if he. Uh. Accidentally upsets Ink with Blue and Dream puppets.

Corrupted or Fallen Stars can be great… In theory. But sooo often they’re just flipped with the Bad Sans, and! That can be a fun idea in and off itself, if it’s in the concept of something that it blatantly a roleswap AU! But it normally isn’t, and it just ends up grating on me- Hell, off the top of my head, I can tell you semi-passable reasons for Secretly Evil Stars would be leaning so hard into positivity it becomes addiction and delusion (Dream), being tired of having his emotions invalidated and giving people the “real him” they apparently want (Ink), and being tired of being underestimated and desperate to stay with some of the only people who seem to take him seriously (Blue). That! Is literally just, I came up with it in five seconds! People don’t even give them the dignity of that, though, it’s just “They’re evil and my poor misunderstood murder babies are angels.” But like you said! How are they secretly misunderstood angels! If you’re going with “oh, they don’t WANT to hurt people,” why are they doing it- They aren’t necessary for the Balance, like you said. Is Nightmare forcing them so he can cause negativity? Is Error? Is something else going on??. And that’s not even getting into how all of that would wildly unbalance another set of Guardians- Reaper and Life. The excess death is their problem, now, the Bad Sans certainly ain’t sticking around to deal with the aftermath! Am I too passionate about this? Mayhaps. Shall I stop? Absolutely not.

And yeah, you’re definitely right about that- Outside pressure isn’t guaranteed to justify mass murder to the people you’ve affected with it. People have still lost their homes, and their loved ones, and so many other things- Why, exactly, does the alleged agony of being “forced” to do awful things negate the pain of the victims of those things? It doesn’t make sense at best, and it feels callous at worst. It feels… Really, really shoehorned in, for lack of a better term, just to make the “misunderstood favs” loved and adored by the masses, if that makes sense.

No issue with the ranting here! I quite agree with you, after all. And as for Ink… Well, it just makes sense! Like you said, he adores the Multiverse, so him writing off or ignoring something so, so vital for its survival just… Doesn’t make sense? Like, if you really don’t want him to know, it should be for angsty purposes- Fate, shielding his eyes and ears from it, completely cutting off anyone trying to tell him. Can you imagine how horrible to would feel, once someone was finally able to tell him? That would be a much better story arc, in my opinion- Someone prevents the Protector from doing what he’s dedicated his existence to, and the realization and healing that stems from that as they all work together to heal the Balance… Oh, and also- I see so many people calling him “Fate’s Favorite,” which, like. People. People know being the favorite of an abuser isn’t really a good thing, right? Even if there isn’t physical abuse, being the favorite can lead to some horrific things… Ahem. Moving on from my own rant- Yeah, Error definitely seems the most likely to not know or ignore the Balance, I think. Like you said, ignoring it even benefits him!

Hhh if you’re sure I’ll send a separate ask!!! Might take a bit, since I’ll have to write it all out… I should probably come up with a name, too. Just call me… Rainy Anon! Or Rain, heh.

Let’s be real, saving the brush is what Ink would want. And besides, if we save the brush, maybe we can use it to save Ink! Provided he hasn’t. You know. Gone insane from isolation and emotional overload. God only knows what having the emotional consequences of his entire existence hitting him at once would feel like. Quite frankly, I’m… Not sure he’d be able to process it. And would he even be Ink, once he got out? Would he start thinking it was all a dream he made up to comfort himself in an unfinished world???

I mean, to be fair, it could be seen as a response to everything in the AU. Ink is running, and the other Stars don’t know why!

He gives some much needed snark and sarcasm to some rather bleak situations. Also, he’d definitely be the sort to sarcastically narrate his brother’s fuckups.

🌧️ Rainy Anon 🌧️

AM HERE!

I believe I based his character off the mask I've seen him with, but I also kinda did it from memory?? Anyway, I made him "Kitsune Udon". He and Ink do have a connection, uh- they were like best friends until Ink got kidnapped/abducted LMFAO

If you wanna take the full Oreo bros into consideration, then we need to bring Reaper into the mix. I'm honestly kinda surprised no one talks about him in an Underverse setting. Being the God of Death means nothing to people these days smh. From X-Tale's destruction to Error committing a massacre against the AUs, Reaper's probably working overtime. He's definitely pissed about the situation. I think he would be interested in investigating the situation, which can then lead to him finding out about everything.

Error's trying! If anyone says anything about it, he gets defensive and says that they should be grateful he's doing anything for Ink in the first place! How ungrateful of them!

I remember once reading about how if we were to be realistic with the characters, Dream most likely wouldn't be as optimistic and friendly as he canonically is. But you're right, it's hardly ever as simple as being a roleswap AU; if anything, a personality swap AU might be more fitting of a description. I really don't mean to nitpick people's writing and stuff like this, I try to more encouraging when I can be, but these are things we need to consider when we want to make a story like this. Yes, characters who are evil and don't have the reason revealed CAN be interesting... but this isn't one of those cases, I don't think. I think I especially hate how they always make Ink the primarily evil one, the "root of it all", and the reason for it? He's soulless. Like... is that really the best you can do? You can use many reasons to make Ink the villain of the story if you really want to, and you target a condition he has? A condition he has no control over? Erm... kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I vaguely remember seeing some posts that discussed this exact thing, and how using his soullessness as a source of evil for his character has tones of ableism. I only vaguely remember because I glossed over the posts, didn't feel like reading at the time, so I could be getting that wrong. If anyone has read posts like that and wants to give their opinion, feel free to do so.

And you're right about that- I NEVER, EVER see any of these stories address Life and Reaper's roles in the Balance. They're easily getting the most screwed over in this situation because the Gang's causing unnecessary death with their murder sprees, which is tipping the Balance... which is what they're against the Stars for??? They only focus on Error and/or Nightmare for some reason... stop leaving my Circle of Life babies out of stuff-

It's because even though they preach about how negativity is essential to the Multiverse and "Dream needs to understand that", they don't actually WANT negativity there. For example, they always question why Ink allows negative AUs or AUs with tragic stories to exist, such as Horrortale. Aside from the fact that Ink has zero control over what AUs are made, those AUs are basically counters to positivity-oriented AUs such as Haventale. They preach about how negativity has just as much of a right to exist freely... and then condemn its existence in ways they don't like. The thing is, Horrortale and Dusttale happened as a consequence of events; the CORE shutting down led to the disastrous conditions in the Underground, the constant RESETs and Genocides led Sans to become Dust, etc. These are all examples of NATURAL negativity and how life works; it isn't meant to be pretty. And if you think about it, isn't this exactly how they make Dream think in these stories? Negative AUs shouldn't exist. BUT WAIT! Dream's in the wrong, don't forget that! Just ignore the fact that the Gang antagonizes Ink for the existence of these AUs! Dream's the bad guy, the Gang has no faults! And you wanna know the most fucked up part about expecting everyone to forgive Error and the Gang? The ones who don't are frowned upon and treated as unreasonable, in my experience. Which makes zero sense??? It's like being asked to forgive someone who murdered your best friend, family, and/or pet because they were forced to... like that doesn't change anything??? Like maybe you'll get some pity, but you sure as hell aren't getting forgiveness anytime soon!

Ngl I keep forgetting Fate and Destiny are in these AUs because I don't use them. I don't really like the concept of them, I just stick with the Creators... they pretty much have the same role. But that one's just a personal preference, it doesn't really change much about the contents of the story. And you are absolutely right, being an abuser's "favorite" isn't a good thing. That mindset is concerning. That's like saying it's a good thing to be a groomer's "favorite", like... no it isn't. Oh, but by their logic, it's okay because it's Ink! Any possible negatives of being Fate's favorite are ignored because Ink just can't be a sympathic, dimensional character! Nope, nope, nope! He's evil, through and through, and anyone who tries to look deeper than the surface is blind and being manipulated by him! Like... did the Gang hire y'all to spew this propaganda? This feels like propaganda. This reminds me of something I saw where someone listed what Sans AUs are green flags, and they put Error there. Like... do y'all know anything about Error's character? This is the genuine question.

I'm so sorry if I sound kinda bitchy in this rant, but I just can't find the logic. I try not to nitpick at individual writing styles, but literally everything I have read that deals with FGOD and this roleswap dynamic has been one-dimensional and lacked depth. Again, that probably sounds ignorant, and I don't mean for it to, but the sheer amount of "Gang good, Stars bad" and nothing more has essentially ruined the entire concept for me. This is probably why I prefer FGOC, because the characters at least have some depth beneath the surface. Dream is like one of the nicest and most compassionate characters in canon, why you gotta vandalize him like this?

Alright! You shall be the Rainy Anon!

Long live Broomie! The worst part about Ink's situation is that he's surrounded by people who are... blank. Just like when he doesn't have his vials. And he hates when he gets like that. He's probably overthinking and everything. Love that for him, you know?

Nightmare's absolutely RELISHING in the negativity! It's just so, so good! And it's even better because Dream- goody-two-shoes, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly Dream- is the one who caused it. I can picture Nightmare laughing evilly and kicking his feet while stuff goes down.

[icedlattelover222]

TW: ed talk/venting, criticism on pr0ana, information on the negative side of ed pages on tumblr:

In order for you to understand my post I’d advise you to read the picture above.

Again, I’m putting a tw above so if these topics make you uncomfortable I’d advise to please keep on scrolling bc I never want to trigger anyone on here.

Thing is, I’m sure there’s young people that follows my blog and therefore I believe it’s really important for me to post this so you will know that you’re not alone and there is a possibility to recover and heal from eating disorders/mental health issues etc.

The picture is taken from a video on YouTube about a lovely and admirable girl on social media. She’s an incredible artist and she’s immensely talented. She’s also really open on her platforms when it comes to mental health and her own struggles. Especially when it comes to eating disorders.

In the video as you can see she talks about tumblr and going on pr0ana accounts which in return would cause harm to her and trigger her ed. I never want you guys to do the same and read the pages on here that encourages you to eat less and work out more. Or believe pages that tell you you’re disgusting and don’t deserve to be looked at in a positive light when it comes to what you look like. Nobody deserves to feel that way, everyone on here dealing with mental health issues and especially ed’s deserves everything and more.

It’s going to sound incredibly cheesy but truth be told all of you guys reading this deserve to be happy. You deserve to be content with your body and what you look like, because literally everyone is so freaking beautiful. Trust me, you’re okay just the way you are regardless of the number on the scale or the size of your clothes.

The reason I’m posting this is to warn you guys ab the pr0ana accounts on here. And no I’m not going to ask you guys to report them on here or bash them with hate, nobody deserves that. I’m well aware that the pages/blogs on here are their safe space and often the only place where they can vent and talk to people online that gets it and is going through similar issues.

All I’m asking is to be gentle with yourself. It takes time to heal and it takes a ton of courage to agree with yourself that you want to recover. And it’s not easy to stop yourself from relapsing, I’m going through it as well and as much as I want to ask you all to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness. I know it’s not an easy step and it’s not right for me to pressure you guys to recover or stop completely from looking at blogs that urges you to develop a worse relationship with food.

All I want to to let you guys know you’re not alone in this. I am 100% here for you if you need someone to talk to loves. Post whatever you want on tumblr and vent as much as you want and need to, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone in the process of doing so. Again, if anyone posts harmful stuff on tumblr, reach out to them and ask them if they’re okay. Or message that person and let them know their content, blogs are really triggering and can cause people a lot of harm. Reporting is often the worst thing to do cause it may hurt that person immensely when their safe space is taken away from them. You can also just simply unfollow them or block them if you don’t want to keep on seeing their posts.

Love you all so much, please take care of yourselves and PLEASE don’t forget to use your skincare routine and drink water people <333

[pbandjesse]

I am very excited that my embroidery commission is completely done!! All I have to do now is sew a patch on. To cover up the threads on the back. But the embroidery itself and the washing away of the paper is done and I'm thrilled.

And today was a pretty good day. My lip hurt a lot again. It got really scabby overnight and when I woke up it hurt a lot. So it was pretty inflamed. And try as I might to not touch it with my tongue all the time I can't leave it alone. Which I'm sure isn't helping. But I tried my best and left here feeling okay.

There was a bunch of traffic out in the world but I still got to the museum on time. There were two people milling around in the parking lot waiting to go into the building. And the door was already unlocked so I went in and said good morning to James. And then went to get ready.

I feel like I hadn't seen anyone in forever. So I was super excited to see them. I was happy to see Estelle and Joel and Merrill made a big deal about us being there. I ended up bringing up to Mike about how I couldn't find the sources for the pressure cooker and he was able to find the patent number and send it to me. And that was perfect. So I'm really glad I got to come in and talk to somebody. I feel like I did that project like two weeks ago and I haven't been in that long. And it was just really nice to see everyone.

I had a really easy day. All I was there for was to watch Michael to make sure he was okay. And he was totally fine. I had a few notes for him but nothing that he can't incorporate. I ended up helping one of the new people, Emma, who is very sweet. But was clearly a little flustered. Was their first time doing D by themselves. And I think they did good but maybe could benefit from being watched one more time.

I texted Jessica to let her know that and wiki both agreed on a couple notes that I had about how she was trained and things that I thought might have been lost in communication. But the kids that we had today were pretty nice. Though the first group was super on the ball and really understood everything. Joel's group in the second group was apparently running super behind in the teacher kept taking the entire class for bathroom breaks during the first program so they were losing like 15 minutes at a time. To the point where we didn't even start the program until 15 minutes after we were supposed to start it. So everything felt very truncated. And it was a little nerve-wracking because when two people are learning having the timing be all wrong was not helpful. But we did our best. And everyone got to do everything that they were supposed to. Even if the timing was weird.

I mostly just had fun talking to my friends. I was in a really good mood. I was happy to be there. I was feeling good. After how sore I was yesterday I was a little concerned. Besides my mouth hurting everything else was great.

After the kids left I went upstairs to do oysters. And I ended up showing Emma how to do them as well. They took to it no problem. But then all of a sudden over the intercom we hear James directing which school to leave first. Because apparently it took forever to get the schools out of the building because they were all leaving at the same time. And they were all trying to beat the other group out so there was just like a mess of a traffic jam at the door. I'm glad I wasn't a part of it because it sounds very stressful.

So I just put on music for everybody and we sat and did all the oysters. And just about 2:00 we started heading out.

James had come up to ask if they could borrow a fork from my backpack and I made them give me a hug and I'm glad they did because when I went to the desk to say goodbye they weren't there. Instead Merrill was there watching it for them while they were in a meeting. And I did the same thing I always do where I allowed the exclaim hey you're not my husband! And Merrill goes what I'm not!? And it's very silly. But we ended up talking for a few minutes and I helped her out with some weird thing that happened in a sale for the gift shop. And then Emma was there and I noticed she was looking at the tracker for the bus and I was like hey what's up. And they said that they were waiting for the bus but it's the banner route and it runs very infrequently. I was like where do you live. Mount Vernon. Perfect I can take you home if you don't mind if we stop at the dollar store first. They were very excited.

And we end up having just like a really lovely talk the entire time. I told them stories about James's accident and my accident and they told me their accident stories. They moved here from California. They seem really nice. We went to the dollar store and I got something for James and then I dropped them off at their house. Turns out they are right by where we got married and they can see into the garden and they may have watched us get married! If they did that would have been so funny! The world is so small sometimes.

I went home after that. And when I got back here I got right into my sewing. I really wanted to finish. I was almost done by the time James got home. And within that hour I would be finished.

James had made a couple pit stops on the way home. To get cheese to make us a pizza. And to go find me Dr pepper. They ended up finding the strawberry one which I haven't seen since that first time I got it. So that was cool. And while they were making that we worked on cleaning the apartment a little bit. James worked on the floors and I did some picking up around the place and tidying. And then we had dinner and it was really good.

I left the sash on my drying rack and it looks great. Tomorrow at camp I'm going to grab some fabric from the scrap boxes that I have because I think I have something similar in texture if not color there. And I'll work on that in the transition times during my programs. It's the Native American program so hopefully I'll have a lot of down time. That's always the ideal.

And then I got to work going over our packing stuff. Like I said the other day I was asleep well James was packing their back so I didn't really know it was in there and I asked if they were okay with me going through it and they said they trust me so I unpacked their whole bag. And I repacked it in a way that I thought was more balance. They were missing a few things that I pointed out so hopefully next week when we get everything ready on Monday and Tuesday everything will be completely done. And once I was done doing theirs I also re-did the inside of my suitcase. Mostly because I felt like my shoe options were still messed up. And I ended up taking out the one pair of clogs but leaving the sandals because they have much better arch support and I thought that they would be nice if my feet hurt. James and Jess both thought that was the best idea. And I was able to move all of my tank tops into my clothing side of my suitcase and just use one small bag to put all of my leggings in. I have one long pair and two short pair. Plus the pair I'm going to be wearing on the airplane.

I also went over my list again of the things that I still need to pack and I have plenty of room for them plus souvenirs and things. Ideally I want neither of my two bags to be full. I did leave space for my extra sweater and I'm going to be wearing a sweatshirt and a jacket and a fleece to the airport so that I don't have to worry about them being very big in my bag. And I can fold one up and use a pillowcase or maybe a stuff sack to use it as a pillow. I have an exactly decided on that yet. I also am not sure if I'm bringing my travel neck pillow or if I'm going to bring just a regular stuffed animal. I'm not really positive. But regardless I am very excited that everything feels very settled now. 95% of everything we need is already packed.

I just hung out for a while after that. And eventually I decided to take a bath. Got kind of cold in here. Sleepy was out on the fire escape until well after 9:00. So I got very chilly. So the bath was nice and made me feel a lot better. James played D&D and now they're getting ready for bed as well.

Hopefully I can sleep very good tonight and tomorrow my group is great. They're supposed to be a very small group so I hope they're fun. I hope you all have a great night tonight and you sleep well. Have fun!!

[acefaun]

Hello!

I know you've got a bunch on your plate, but I was kind of in need of some comfort. Don't pressure yourself to write this if you don't want to though! Basically my thing is that I've been told many many times that I'm annoying every single time I share something that makes me happy. (Ex: a new hobby I picked up, a new movie I watched, heck! Even a meme that made me laugh!) I'm always told to "chill", "ew, that thing is gross" "wtf are you showing me?", to quiet down my happiness and/or "you're basically feeling it alone". I know that some people don't like the same things as me, so it's a given that they won't be that excited, but idk if it's selfish or not, but I just want someone to just... Because happy that I have things in my life that make me happy. I'm seriously on the verges of closing off from people completely, because I feel like my very existence is a bother. So to close this, cause I've been rumbling. Can I have a comfort fic with Scorpio comforting a female!MC? (His girlfriend if possible). I just want to feel someone being happy about me for once in my life. I'm terribly TERRIBLY sorry for how depressing this request turned out to be and I also wanted to let you know, that I admire you a lot! You make people happy with what you do and that's truly wonderful. And your blog is so comforting too. It's one of the only plebes I feel safe in and that I won't he judged for being happy and/or for the things that make me happy.

Scorpio~ Passion

Synopsis: Ever since you got rid of his mark of sin, Scorpio has been trying to figure out how to act around you and the other gods. But one thing he was certain of… was how protective he was of your smile. 

✨Masterlist✨ Female goldfish!

A/n: I actually think it’s cute when people get so passionately excited over something they love. The thing I like about tumblr is that you can get excited about a hobby and others will just get excited with you. That’s how I started writing SCM fics! I was like “I don’t know if anyone else will like these… but I like them. ☺️” And then it was the same thing with my art… because irl people were so awkward about my fanart like “O… Weird. An anime dude.” But now I have friends to talk about the gods with! You’re here talking to me, so I’d say things worked out just fine! So, you don’t have to worry here! I like you! And I like to make others happy so I’m super glad I’m doing my job! (I’m gaining work experience by granting wishes on Earth now so when I go to the Heavens I’ll be able to work in the Department of Wishes. 😋 I’ll have a pretty good resume for Leo and Karno to go over.) I’m glad my blog is a safe space! 🥰 I never want anyone who comes here to feel like they’re not welcome.  I also couldn’t help myself, but I made this one of those angsty slow burn fics where it’s like “Okay, so are you going to date or not?” Scorpio’s just such a hard-headed god who doesn’t know how to do feelings. 

–Word Count: 5,550–

“Scorpio!” A friendly voice called from beyond the door of the living room. It was sometime just after lunch and this was becoming a regular occurrence in the house of the gods. You were always so easily excitable when you found something interesting. Your passion knew no bounds and, by all means, you had to share it with your new god friends—for some reason, that especially meant Scorpio.

Though… Scorpio didn’t have to stay on Earth and deal with you. You had gotten rid of his mark of sin so he could return to the Heavens. But part of him was glad that he had the excuse of watching over Dui and Ichthys. Not that he wanted to hear your loud mouth every day… He just wished you’d pick better times to show up—such as any time he wasn’t working.

When the door of the living room burst open, you were beaming at Scorpio so brightly that he could have mistaken you for the sun. Only, as you swiftly approached him and no other god present, he put on a face of displeasure as he snapped, “What the hell are you yelling for?” He sounded aggressive, but the last thing he wanted was for those other idiots to think he was getting all soft for you. 

His vicious attitude didn’t faze you—you were used to this from Scorpio at this point. With a smile, you presented a plate to him. “I made a new snack!” 

Gesturing to the cut up apples, his eyes narrowed before shooting up to glare at you. “What the heck are you showing me? You didn’t make anything. These are those stupid apples.”

You hummed, tilting your head. The last time he ate apples, he seemed to really enjoy them. Or was that just because he was feeling ill at the time? But these weren’t the same. You thought he might like them if you made them different. Now they were in cute bunny shapes! “But I cut them differently this time. I was going to make one of those pretty fruit bouquets, but I still need a little more practice with cutting fruits before I can make them into a beautifully yummy arrangement. So, I took the apples that I had and cut them into cute little rabbit apples for you. These came out better than the first batch I made… But don’t worry about that! I ate the ones that lost their ears.”

Stealing the empty seat between him and an unfamiliar white haired god, you held the plate up for Scorpio as if you were some kind of servant desperate to please their master—this wasn’t an unusual occurrence for you. You just wanted to see Scorpio happy—whether it was being happy with you or being happy for you. It was a personal goal you made for yourself since promising to help the man. 

“Excuse me,” an unfamiliar voice called out—but it wasn’t the white-haired man beside you. On the opposite sofa sat a man with a ponytail. You remembered him coming to visit Scorpio a few times before—this was Zyglavis, the man in charge, and Scorpio’s boss. He had the same rank as Leon… and he was staring at you. “We’re in the middle of work.”

“This is fine,” the man with pink hair said, a laugh escaping. “I didn’t imagine coming to Earth would be this interesting. Besides, you’re not just going to send Scorpio’s girlfriend away when she came all this way with a snack, are you?”

“That’s not my girlfriend!” Scorpio snapped suddenly, his accusatory hand-motion knocked the plate out of my hands. The shattering of glass made the room fall deathly silent. 

You pulled your hands back to you awkwardly, unsure of what to do with yourself since Scorpio quite cruelly rejected you. You wanted to believe that he hadn’t meant to nearly hit you and knock the plate out of your hands, but it shook you up. Not to mention, the shattered plate scared you enough. If it hadn’t shattered, then you might have tried to rectify the situation by collecting the fallen apple slices and taking them to wash in the sink. But… that wasn’t going to happen with all of them just staring silently. 

Quietly, you apologized, “I’m sorry… I came in at a wrong time.” 

“Yep,” the white-haired god beside you finally spoke, mercilessly agreeing with you. “You’re in our way.” Well, wasn’t he pretty straight forward…?

“Sorry for the mess,” you added, just about ready to flee in embarrassment. 

“No mess,” Partheno denied you, snapping his fingers to get rid of the shattered plate and fallen fruits. Though, you could only take this as a sign that they didn’t want you in there for any longer than you needed to be, despite how Partheno added, “See? There’s no need for you to apologize. No harm done.”

Your eyes flickered to Scorpio, but he was stoically staring at the ground. Why wasn’t he saying anything? You couldn’t help but apologize once more, “I’m sorry… I’ll… get out of the way.” 

As soon as you were out of the room, the conversation picked up again. Krioff’s eyebrows remained furrowed as he asked, “What were those things? They didn’t look edible; they looked gross. The skin was still on them.”

Scorpio scoffed, averting his gaze from the floor. “Humans eat weird shit all the time. Doesn’t matter. Let’s get back to work.”

Partheno snickered, hiding his smirk behind his hand as he commented to Dui, “Someone’s getting defensive over his girlfriend.”

“You better cut it out,” Dui warned, not wanting to get into trouble because of Partheno and his big mouth. “You’re just going to piss him off. Besides, (Name)’s nice. I think you really freaked her out.”

Scorpio tuned out his subordinates, recalling how distressed you looked as you fled. He hadn't meant to startle you; he especially hadn't meant to knock a good plate of apple slices out of your hands. 

He wouldn't have brushed you off so harshly if those guys from the Heavens wouldn't have been there. Didn't you know how to read a room? Whatever… He'd just deal with it later. He had work to do.

***

Scorpio was quite the dedicated god, you've always known this about him since you first started working with him. Ever since the first time you met, he always considered you strange, but he never… truly got angry with you like how he seemed to get back when you accidentally interrupted them. 

If anything, you hoped this wouldn't put a rift between the two of you. Your relationship was an odd one, but it was one you cherished. 

Shaking your head, you brushed those negative thoughts out of your mind. What you needed to do was find something to get your mind off of Scorpio for now. In the meantime, you figured you should be getting better acquainted with the Wishes gods who were next to need your help…

“...What do you call a lion wearing a fancy hat?” Leon stared, unresponsive to your question. “A dandy lion!” There was an abundance of silence in the living room. Both gods in the room shared unreadable expressions. You pursed your lips, waiting for something, but seeing as neither he nor Huedhaut were saying anything, you tried again, “Get it? Because you’re a lion zodiac and when you dress nice, you look dandy. And then a dandelion is a kind of flower, so…” You gestured for them to understand you. 

Huedhaut sighed before he asked, “Is there a point to this?” 

You hummed, tapping your chin as you looked Huedhaut up and down. He was pretty logical, so his reaction wasn’t unprecedented. But this made you think of a joke that was sure to make him crack a smile. “Gee, are you sure you’re an Aquarius?”

He faltered, suddenly unsure of what his sign had to do with this. “I’m certain of it…”

“Really?” You lifted your eyebrows questioningly. “Because Aquarius is the water-bearer constellation but you don’t laugh at my jokes. You only seem to be a fan of dry humor.” A grin crept up on your face, waiting for them to understand your new joke. “Get it? Because you’re like water… but you… seem to prefer your dry jokes over mine.” 

After an exceedingly awkward moment of silence, Leon bluntly replied, “Your goldfish jokes aren't entertaining. Did you come here for something?” 

You nodded, averting your gaze from theirs. “Well, I figured since Scorpio’s working more with his department now that his mark of sin is erased, that I could break the ice between us. I'll be helping the Department of Wishes next, right?”

Leon grinned, finally, for the first time since you stepped foot into the living room with your lame attempt at making friends, you said something worth his time. “Then you're finally done being that scorpion’s lapdog,” he commented, his head tilting in interest. “You'll erase my sin first so I can return to the Heavens. But we'll begin our work tomorrow.”

“O- Okay!” You weren't expecting him to so readily agree, but clearly he wanted to leave Earth as soon as possible. You were just excited because you'd gotten a taste of what Punishments was like. To have the opportunity to work beside the Wishes minister was something else entirely. “I can't wait to see what the Department of Wishes is like! Am I just going to need to be nearby while you grant Wishes? Wishes must be soooo different from Punishments. Does this department do its work differently from Punishments?”

You had a billion questions you were rattling on to him without giving him a chance to answer. It tempted him to ignore you until you ran out of questions, but he wasn't like Scorpio. He didn't want you prattling to him all day—about work, no less. If you wanted to ask questions about Wishes, Karno was your guy. Leon barely wanted to deal with work as it was. 

Sighing, he finally snapped, “Goldfish!” That made you fall silent rather quickly as your innocent eyes gazed at him for an explanation to his shout. “Granting Wishes isn't that exciting, calm down. The wishes that come to us are just things that goldfish are too pathetic to work for themselves. They have no shame in asking a higher being to solve their problems for them, so wipe that grin off your face.” You were shocked into silence as he turned away from you. “If you even think about rambling to me while I'm working, I'll shove you with Huedhaut or Teorus.”

The corner of Huedhaut’s lips twitched slightly as he uttered, “How thoughtful…”

Based on how Leon had described the Wishes Department, you were a little less enthused about working with them, but it was fine. As it was a new experience; something was bound to work out.

Only… You’d underestimated the Department of Punishments. As soon as Scorpio caught wind of your plans to join his biggest adversary, he was barging into the living room the next morning with a scowl. 

You were waiting patiently on the sofa for Leon to meet with you so you could help him. Unfortunately, Leon and Scorpio shared matching glares as they looked each other up and down. 

You awkwardly glanced away, trying to ignore the tension that was steadily building. But before you could say anything, Scorpio hissed, “The hell? Aren't you supposed to be taking care of Dui and Ichthys?”

You could tell you were going to be in for it if you said the wrong thing, so you honestly explained, “You guys seemed like you had it under control the other day… I felt like I was just in the way.” 

Scoffing, Scorpio turned away from you, gesturing for you to follow him. Catching onto your lost confusion, he muttered, “You're in the way if I say you're in the way. C’mon. I don't have time for these Wishes idiots.” Your heart stuttered in excitement. Did this mean Scorpio wasn't kicking you out of his department? 

As if catching onto your indecision, Leon mocked, “Fickle goldfish. Make up your mind.” 

As soon as you glanced at Leon, you regretted making eye contact with him when he was just glaring at you. Of course he would be aggravated with you when you agreed to work with him only to end up abandoning them yet again for Scorpio. It didn't help that Leon thought of you as Scorpio’s loyal pet—this was just further proving his point.

But… Still, Scorpio didn't hesitate to take you back with him. That was evidence enough for you that he didn't hate you. Something in your relationship was still there and unchanged. You'd just try harder this time to stay on Scorpio’s good side. 

***

A few weeks later…

You were sitting alongside the reflection pool, gazing strictly at the stone floor as Dui continuously snapped his fingers, handing down various types of Punishments to various types of people. 

You weren't sadistic enough to want to really watch the Gods punishing fellow humans, no matter how much these particular humans deserved it. 

Besides, your mind was more on the movie you'd recently watched. You were sure Dui was at least somewhat interested in what you had to say as he quietly listened to your summary of the plot. “So, you see? The main character is amazing. I don't know how anyone could hate them. I think you'd like that kind of movie. You should come over sometime and we can watch it together.”

You were eager to have Ichthys and Dui as friends. Only… Maybe part of Dui resented you for that. Shadow never had much patience for anyone, especially some annoying human. 

Shadow was irritated with you too quickly and spun around to glare at you. “Shut up,” he hissed. “Either leave or shut. up.” His expression told you he was more than willing to shut you up himself if you didn't heed his implied threat. Pleased at your silence, he muttered, “This is why Scorpio’s always handing you off to someone else. No wonder. You're so freaking annoying.”

Scorpio… thought you were annoying? He never said anything outright; he never denied your company. So, what about your quiet relationship? What were all of those soft hand holds and gentle touches? Was he like that in gratitude for you removing his sin? 

…that made sense. Otherwise, why would he show interest in you at all? He did seem to find it hard to express himself; maybe those touches meant nothing more than a simple “thanks”. It was you with your hopeless crush that thought things were more than they seemed. 

Scorpio could read your mind by touching your hand… It was no question that he knew of your feelings for him. But he never rejected you, nor did he openly share his feelings. How were you supposed to know Scorpio was aggravated with you?

Following a quiet apology, you sat beside Dui silently, keeping your saddened thoughts to yourself. It occurred to you that things might be better if you were completely closed off from people. You could always enjoy things that make you happy in solitude. If you did, then others wouldn't become upset with your positive emotions. But that was fine, right? At least then… your existence wouldn't be a bother to anyone else.

 It wasn't like you had to stop doing what you loved. It was only a matter of keeping your passions to yourself. How hard could that be? If it meant you weren't being a bother to Scorpio, then you were willing to do your best. Even if you were mistaken about the quality of your relationship with him, you weren't going to ruin what was there.

So, you developed the habit of keeping the bare minimum of contact with them, only discussing things that pertained to them like work. From what you could tell, there was no point in opening your mouth if you didn't have something important to say. 

***

Aside from his tedious punishments work… Scorpio was getting impatient. It seemed too abrupt that you stopped showing up randomly to the mansion to show him your latest passion—something he woefully grew to look forward to. You were the only one he knew that could get so excited over seemingly nothing. But you were so happy… Something he wasn’t overly familiar with until you showed up. Your feelings were almost contagious—especially when he made contact with you. You could make the most mundane human creation seem like it was the most ingenious thing that man had ever created. 

But why had you stopped showing up to his room at random hours of the day? This all started shortly after the incident with the apples in the living room, so he had every reason to believe that your lack of spirit was his fault. He took your energy away from you with one simple gesture. 

Not to mention… he wondered how harsh his denial was. How much did it hurt you for him to avidly deny that he wasn’t in a relationship with you—it probably sounded as if the concept of you being his girlfriend repulsed him.

He couldn’t stand this feeling that built up in his chest every second you stubbornly stayed away from him. It really almost felt like you were avoiding him—especially his touches. He wondered what could have been going on in that stupid goldfish brain of yours.

Worried, he connected the mansion’s door to your apartment, wasting no time to get to you. Only… he found you doing exactly what you always liked to do. You didn’t seem bothered by anything, so was he just overthinking the situation? You seemed to enjoy whatever was on your phone just as much as you used to in his presence. Then again… you also seemed like you lacked the energy to be doing anything at all. It was as if you were mindlessly scrolling without any thought at all.

He wasn’t good at reading emotions without touching others, but your eyes looked sad. He wondered how he could tell that…

Unfortunately, he lingered silently for too long, startling you once you finally laid eyes on him in the door of your apartment. Your eyes widened as you stuttered, “I- Ah… Scorpio?” You wanted to ask more, not just say his name. But the words were caught up in your throat. You made a vow to yourself that you wouldn’t bother Scorpio with anything unnecessary. He was clearly only here because he needed something, if his expression was anything to go by. 

He stared at you, observing your curled up form on your sofa with your phone in your hand. The bored look had left your face, but you seemed no more comforted to see him. Where was your usual excitement? Though, he thought that not being thrilled to see him was something understandable—he deserved it since he was the one to scare you away. His expressions were understandably scary as he fiercely apologized, “I’m sorry.” The apology didn’t match his face at all… He clearly didn’t know how to do this sort of thing. 

You only seemed to falter, your eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. Scorpio had never apologized before… “Sorry… for what? I- If it has something to do with how Ichthys accidentally knocked me in the head yesterday, I promise I’m fine! You don’t have to apologize for him. I’ll still be able to show up tomorrow.” 

“I don’t want you to show up,” he replied bluntly, making your heart stop for a brief moment. He was a rude god, but this was new. However, the cruel expression didn’t last long as he continued in a softer tone, “Not with that face. Not until you can look at me the same again. I can’t stand seeing that expression. You used to smile and never shut up.” 

You hummed quietly, taking his words with a grain of salt. Was he trying to be considerate or something else? “Sorry… I… don’t really know what to do. I’ve always been like this.” 

“No, you weren’t,” he corrected, now displaying anger at your ignorance. “You were fine before I knocked those things out of your hands. But now… What the hell do you keep making that face for? And you started avoiding everyone. Can’t you just take my apology and get over it? Damn it! I’m trying my frikin best!” 

Your eyes flickered back up to him once more, noting how genuinely upset he looked. Was all this over the rabbit apples? You blinked. “You’re apologizing for knocking the plate of rabbit apples out of my hands?” That happened a while back, you didn’t even have that thought in your mind before he brought it up. That was the last thing you expected him to approach you for. 

Scorpio scoffed, crossing his arms. “That’s what you’re avoiding me for, isn’t it? Are you gonna accept my apology, or what?”

“I… That's not why,” you timidly responded. “I mean, I really wanted you to try them, but… that’s not why I haven’t been seeing you. The other gods have been getting aggravated with me. Dui said you were dumping me on them because you were annoyed with me too. So I thought if I stopped bothering you that you’d be happier. But you’re still upset with me and I don’t know what to do!” Dui said you bothered him with your idle chatter, but it seemed like avoiding him was causing the same problem. What did he even want from you? 

Clear that he was only upsetting you as well, he sighed, looking away. He didn't show up to scold you or anything. He just wanted to know what was keeping you from seeing him. It seemed the solution was much simpler than he had anticipated. “Those brats don’t know what makes me upset. If they had a single clue what got on my nerves, they wouldn’t be so troublesome all the time.” Fixing his eyes on you once more, he added, “But I know there’s more to it than that. You’re being vague. Either let me touch you or tell me how you feel; either way… I want to know what’s on your mind.” 

You stared awkwardly down at the floor. There was a decent amount on your chest, but you weren’t sure where to start or if he even really had the time to be loitering around your little hovel listening to your woes. It didn’t look like he was budging from your home however, and you lightly gestured for him to sit beside you on the sofa. 

Scorpio accepted your silent offer, sitting beside you, almost touching your leg, but not quite close enough. He watched you as you carefully picked out what you wanted to tell him. Whether you told him or touched him, he was going to find out what was bothering you and fix it. 

“I know not everyone likes the same things as me,” you admitted, glancing at him to warily check on his expression now and then. “That’s how life works, everyone likes different stuff. Gods are the same way. But… am I being selfish to want someone to just… be happy that I have things in my life that make me happy?” You couldn’t seem to find that one singular person to be happy for your joys in life, and you so desperately wanted to. You wondered if Scorpio could understand what you were saying. Could he even relate to these feelings? “I… don’t really know how to describe how it feels… But you’d understand it all… even if it was just a feeling. Wouldn’t you?” Turning slightly toward him, you timidly stuck your hand out, wondering if he would accept. 

Your eyes flickered toward him in surprise when his knuckles brushed across your palm, his fingers curling to almost envelop your hand in his larger one. “I know,” he uttered, his eyes staying trained on your connected hands. “Doesn’t everyone have this desire… even slightly?”

Your grip tightened around his hand. He knew. Inhaling, you tried, “I’m happy you like rabbit apples.” He didn’t outright deny them, after all. He loved apples, after all. “I’ll make you more.” You paused, adding, “I’m happy you found a place to exist peacefully in the Heavens. I’m happy you could return home after I got rid of your sin.”

“I’m not,” he abruptly admitted, making you fall silent with a tense stare. Had you upset him again? He was refusing to let go of your hand if he was truly upset with you. “Not having a mark of sin means I don’t need to be on Earth anymore. When you get rid of Ichthys and Dui’s marks then I’ll be in the Heavens again… It’ll be quiet again. I won’t have someone happy for me anymore. I won’t have a loudmouth woman around.” 

Silence filled the space around us as you contemplated his words. Scorpio was always bad at communicating and saying what he meant—especially when such a conversation was about feelings. You couldn’t help but wonder… if this was him lamenting your short time together. If it was all the same, you didn’t want him to leave either. You wanted him to stay with you. You didn’t have someone to be happy for you, but neither did Scorpio. You wanted to be happy for him… You loved him. 

Scorpio physically flinched, but it was too late to back out, you had already decided on what you were going to tell him. “Scorpio, I-” 

“I’m happy with you,” Scorpio interrupted you, making your heart jump to your throat. You weren’t expecting the sudden proclamation, and you weren’t sure what to say in response. Was he really saying what you thought he meant? “You’re so freaking loud, even in that head of yours. It’s not selfish to want a place to belong. You’re weird… You’re always coming to me with the weirdest human things you can find and I don’t freaking understand any of it… but it makes you happy.” He paused. “I’ve never felt that before and I never knew what it was supposed to feel like. But ever since you got rid of my sin I’ve been able to feel everything. I know what being happy is supposed to feel like… and I know what it feels like to be loved.” 

You gaped at him, but the small smile on his face was something that you couldn’t bring yourself to complain about. He knew you loved him through your contact with him, but he wasn’t teasing or tormenting you because you had feelings. But he sounded like he was grateful to experience these things because you got rid of his mark of sin. 

Still, as much as he might have been able to feel your emotions, you weren’t expecting anything in return. So, you replied, “I’m glad I could do that for you. I think everyone deserves to know what it feels like to be loved. In the end… I guess not having you push me away when I was being annoying really captured my heart all on its own. I know you’re a god and you could never return those feelings for an insignificant goldfish like me, but I want you to know that even when you’re back in the Heavens, I’ll always have these feelings.”

He huffed, making you too nervous to bring your gaze to him. However, feeling his opposite hand caressing your hair surprised you. His touch was… soft, just as it had always been. You’d always shared gentle touches and the like, but this time it felt different. 

“I love you,” he admitted, no doubt feeling the way your mind was screaming in excitement at him. A quiet, yet amused, snicker made you try to look at him, but he was quick to keep your head turned from him as he pulled you against his chest, holding you tight. “I like how quirky human things excite you… but I think I like this more. Feeling how happy you get because of me… I always want to feel this. I don’t care if those worthless humans or those other gods don’t understand or accept what makes you happy. The only thing I care about is that you are happy. So, be happy for me, be excited. I don’t want you to close yourself off from me again. I’ll punish anyone who tries to make you feel like shit. Your existence is not a bother and if you ever start to get those ideas in your head again, I’ll have to lock you up in my room and serve me rabbit apples until you realize that your existence is necessary.” 

The beginning of his speech was quite the heartthrob for you, but… the end was kind of making you feel like he was losing his touch. Maybe he wasn’t that great with romance, but he was trying. Still, you couldn’t help but make fun of him, “Are you saying my only use in life is cutting rabbit apples for you?”He flinched, almost pushing out of your arms as he fiercely argued, “That’s not- You stupid woman! That’s not what I was talking about!” Heaving out a sigh, he nuzzled his nose into your hair. “You know exactly what I was saying… Stupid.” Scorpio wavered, his lips barely brushing against your forehead, as if scared of kissing you. “Be as happy as you want, just like you are right now. I want to share this feeling with you, even if it means traveling between Heaven and Earth to do it. So… always be happy for me, and when you can’t, rely on me… because I love you.”

[mareastrorum]

The Fool and the Soldier: Chapter Commentary

Chapter 3: The Chariot & The Cart

On off weeks, I’ll be posting some commentary on the prior week’s chapter. Since this is a longfic, I expect that it will be helpful for keeping track of stuff, plus I might mention something you missed. Of course, this will include spoilers, so continue with that in mind.

These aren’t meant to be comprehensive! There is so much more going on that I’m not saying. Feel free to ask questions too, either in replies or asks. If it’s too spoilery, I’ll let you know. I’ll add them to the body at the bottom as I receive them.

See the directory for other meta posts.

The Chariot & The Cart

Three’s a Pattern, so it should be clear now that all the chapter titles are going to be based on the cards. There’ll be a longer meta post about those details.

As Molly explained in Chapter 2, “The Chariot is for speed, urgency, and ambition. The Cart is for slowing down and taking time to enjoy something.” This chapter juxtaposes the Mighty Nein’s leisure time with the Tombtakers rushing into situations they really don’t understand.

Dream: Graveyard

There is so much going on in this scene. Going into too much detail will spoil things, so I’ll just discuss some stuff that might clarify some things to keep in mind.

This is Cree’s dream, which introduces the reader to the fact that we’re not only going to see Molly’s dreams in this story. Dreams were such a big deal in the campaign, so I didn’t want to pass up that fun with the other characters. Matt also specifically mentioned that Cree had unsettling dreams about Lucien, so I wanted to include at least one.

As many people guessed, the raven is Vax’ildan, the Champion of the Raven Queen. I felt he’d show up in moments of crucial events on the Matron’s behalf, but this isn’t grayintogreen’s Life in the Margin of Redemption series. Lucien’s going to be an antagonist, and for that to work, someone needs to summon him to the Material Plane, and that could only be Cree. No one else would have the means and motivation to do it. So, as dramatic as the scene is, the result was already set in stone.

Cree also catches on to that strangeness before realizing she’s in a dream. She grew up on the streets of Shadycreek Run; as desperate as she is to get Lucien back, she still recognizes that someone is taking advantage of her. Not that it stops her when the pressure piles on.

I included numerous hints as to who is who—and the absences matter too. As with other abstract dreams, there’s a lot of symbolism at work in this scene. There’s also some world-building stuff being alluded to that won’t get discussed until later chapters. This is a scene that would be worth revisiting later on.

In the Dark

This short scene of Cree waking up is to help re-orient the reader (since she is doing the same) after an intentionally confusing dream. It also provides some exposition that she had been a follower of the Raven Queen until her attempt to resurrect Lucien failed. Cree’s faith is complicated. It’s not exactly conditional so much as she has an exceptionally low tolerance for betrayal. She was a blood cleric of the Raven Queen at the Claret Orders: she’s very much aware of and accepting of death. However, she is stuck on this idea that her spell to raise Lucien from the dead should have worked. That is a massive chip on her shoulder that isn’t going to just go away over time.

There’s also more symbolism in this scene. Cree’s alone in the dark, caught in something that’s limiting her, and she flails around a bit before getting oriented. Even then, she doesn’t light the room, nor does she seek anyone’s help; she just clings to her holy symbol and soldiers on.

Hmmm, that sounds familiar…

Bladegarden

This and the next several scenes were all an exercise in pacing and ordering. I wanted a few events to happen in this chapter to set up for later, and it needed to flow coherently so that it didn’t just seem like random vignettes of the Nein’s downtime.

I wanted to include a check-in with Yasha in this chapter, and her location had to make sense for when/where she split off from the Nein (27 Fessuran on Glory Run Road) and that she beat them to Nicodranas. I figured that if she went south via Bladegarden, she could cut southwest and still get ahead of the Nein during their two-week break in Zadash. However, doing something near Bladegarden required her scene to be right at the start, or else it wouldn’t line up properly. That influenced some of my choices about Cree’s dream so I could highlight the differences between the two.

Both Cree and Yasha feel this overbearing sense of guilt for failing to take action to prevent the death of someone they loved. Yasha didn’t go with Zuala to confront the Skyspear, who murdered Zuala for her admission that she had married Yasha without consent. Cree didn’t intervene when Lucien decided to ask Vess DeRogna to do the ritual, which resulted in his death at her hands. There’s no way either of them could know that their interference would have actually saved anyone, but there’s still that “what if” haunting them. They could have done more, and even years later, they blame themselves for not trying.

They each handled that loss in mirrored ways. Yasha wandered the wastes without purpose until she was conscripted by Obann to do his bidding, and the Stormlord saved her so that she could escape. Then she joined the carnival and met new people to get attached to, eventually joining the Nein with Molly, though she hasn’t yet worked through her grief nor truly broken free from Obann. Cree sort of did that backwards: she split off from the Tombtakers (per Lucien’s instruction) and wound up in Zadash with the Gentleman’s troupe, and now the Somnovem have roped her into their bidding out of desperation. Vax just tried his attempt to break her out of that, but it failed.

Neither is necessarily hopeful so much as they’re determined to continue trying in spite of their despair.

Welcome

I chose Molly’s POV for this scene for a few reasons. First, we didn’t get much of him dealing with stuff in the prior chapter, and I wanted to make it clear that his preferred method is to just not deal with things. Second, I thought Jesna Bree’s “welcome” repetition was really creepy, and I wondered (with hindsight) if perhaps Matt had really liked this tick (he’s done “welcome” a lot!) and eventually chose to use that for the Somnovem later. I wanted to see how Molly would react to that, and figured it would be interesting if Molly has a tenuous awareness of the Somnovem. Not enough to understand who or what they are, but to know that eyes are creepy. Thus, we get a scene of him avoiding any potential complications and doing his best to focus on having fun.

We also get a glimpse of how the clerics react to that. Jester’s willing to go along with it because Molly seems alright—prioritizing how he wants to present to the group and letting him choose how to handle any issues. Caduceus doesn’t pry, but he still visibly caught on that something was off, a passive aggressive nudge that maybe Molly should talk about it.

But he won’t.

Jester’s gentler attitude works though: she’s the first one to suggest Molly could do what Lucien did even though he’s not Lucien. That’s an easier pill to swallow, though learning more would involve reading.

Cobalt Soul

I timed this on the second day of Cobalt Soul studying because I figured Molly would need at least a day of anxious hesitation before he’d resolve to ask Beau if he could tag along. It’s not stated explicitly, but he did go to Caleb first, who rightly told Molly that it’s not up to him.

Of course, Beau absolutely took the opportunity to needle at Molly after he was such a little shit during the trip back to town. Other than Molly, she’s one of the youngest of the Nein, and she is not above being a little petty. But it’s not like she was that bad, honestly…

And we get some widomauk hints! Molly’s a flirt, so of course he’s going to take his shot. But with where Caleb is in his arc, it’s not going to be a linear development.

The Platinum House

Otis wasn’t as important in this chapter, but I wanted to check in on their attempts to spy on Molly. What better scene for them to observe Molly than Jester’s and Nott’s desecration of the temple to Bahamut? Molly would have so jumped at joining in on Jester’s plans. Otis is also familiar enough with Lucien’s tricks to recognize Enthrall as a Devil’s Tongue tiefling ability. However, Lucien would have probably been more practical about his use, while Molly just did it to sow chaos and give cover for the others to get away.

Thus, Otis comes away a bit confused about what’s going on when Not Lucien kind of channels Lucien’s penchant for drama and attention, then does something absolutely insane with it.

Books

This is one of my favorite scenes of the chapter, though it mostly speaks for itself. Caleb’s introspection is fun because there is so much on his mind at any given time. There’s many aspects of his guilt, neuroses, worries, and opinions to explore in any given scene, and they each color the other.

Caleb’s PTSD isn’t resolved yet. He made his save for the first time against Lorenzo’s death, but it happens a few times after that still. I figured there would be other instances that trigger such episodes beyond just frying people.

Stories About Snakes

A second scene with Molly! I wanted to include Molly’s perspective of the others’ downtime, though it would be too much to examine all of it in separate scenes. This reminiscing at bedtime seemed like an appropriate way to handle it. Plus we got to see a bit of Molly’s arrogance in thinking that the others need to lighten up since he’s clearly got this life thing figured out. Of course, that doesn’t mean the laws of physics stop working just because he thinks they should when he doesn’t want to get out of bed.

Taliesin mentioned in a Talks that Molly is functionally illiterate, which I interpreted to mean that he could read with tremendous difficulty. After all, he titled his cards, and he can be fairly eloquent at times. He’s not dumb; he’s ignorant. So I tried to reason why Molly wouldn’t be interested in reading and added that earlier the chapter, then confronted what might get him to read in this scene.

As a few guessed, this is a story by the Brothers Grimm! Their compendium has a group of 3 short stories titled “Stories About Snakes,” and this is the third of that set. I modified some of the language, but it’s mostly the same.

The Brothers Grimm had grown up in rural Germany during the time of the Napoleonic occupation. According to the Explorer’s Guide to Wildemount, the Zemnian Fields were conquered by the Dwendalian Empire a few hundred years back. Considering that the language still persisted in rural areas like Blumenthal, as did some cultural traditions like folk tales, I thought that incorporating Grimm fairy tales into Zemnian culture would have some good parallels.

I chose this particular story because (1) it was short, and (2) it’s relevant for a later scene. I wanted Molly to read a complete story, and this one was only a paragraph long! I figured anything longer might lose the reader’s interest. Plus it had a hilarious takeaway, and Molly would totally enjoy that.

Dream: Rhythm

The introduction is a traditional Irish blessing, a way of wishing someone well. I chose this one specifically because Lucien grew up without most of those things and this is one of few rhymes that doesn’t have a consistent meter—even though the importance of rhythms is a key takeaway of the dream. Irony!

This dream came out of the brainstorm about how a poor kid (orphan or not) would learn how to talk like Lucien did in Aeor. ‘Cause damn, he had a voice.

Matt established that the Empire didn’t have all that much in the way of public education. Zadash had the Apple Tree Tutor Village, which is available for the “less affluent” at a “moderate price,” implying that there was no such option for whomever could not afford it. Caleb had to study on his own and pass an examination to qualify for the Soltryce Academy, a rare success story. I got the sense that smaller Empire towns didn’t have institutional education available.

A self-“governing” town of about 15,000 people likely isn’t going to have any education system set up. First, Shadycreek Run was headed by 4 families competing with each other in businesses that are generally outlawed by the neighboring nations (the Empire, the Dynasty, and Uthodurn). Second, there was no government structure; the families were “in charge” in the sense that they’d murder, terrorize, or enslave whomever gets in the way. Third, if it’s not provided by a government, an education system needed to either provide a reasonable wage to entice workers or there had to be sufficient culture (charitable/communal/etc) to sustain a steady group of volunteers—and that just wasn’t the vibe of the Run from the short view we saw of it in the stream.

I’ll get into the broader worldbuilding of Shadycreek Run in its own meta post, but the short of it is that formal schools probably weren’t a thing in the Run, and what limited education was available was likely private tutors for the wealthy. So, if Lucien was a homeless orphan in Run, there’s no institution to turn to, and even if there was, he probably wouldn’t have any way to afford the cost.

Then I got to thinking: what alternatives were there? Apprenticeships have been a thing for a long time, but tradesmen would be wary of street urchins in such a place, especially if their tools or supplies were valuable. Plus, at such a young age, Lucien wouldn’t be capable of much work in trades that would be in high local demand: blacksmithing, woodworking, fletching, etc.

In addition, there’s the obvious problem that most people tend to gloss over: Lucien is a tiefling. As he said in episode 122, “Not a lot of folks are really eager and kind, especially in Shadycreek Run growing up, to those of infernal blood.” If the general Run culture was to be racist towards tieflings, well, people taking apprentices or offering work to kids were probably racist too.

That narrows down chances for education or training to basically happenstance. There’s no commonplace option for Lucien; whatever he came across would be based in theft (stealing books) or unique circumstances. Putting all that together, I landed on the conclusion that he could have learned how to read, do math, etc. either from other orphans or by buying his way through it. After all, racists might be terrible, but money talks in places like the Run. A few probably took whatever he offered and shooed him off, while others would prefer repeat payments, even if it meant dealing with a tiefling.

But that would only provide piecemeal education. Lucien very clearly liked the sound of his own voice in the stream, plus he had a relatively poetic way of speaking. However, that’s not how street urchins talk. That’s not how people spoke in the Run. He had to learn it from someone. So where did that come from?

I briefly considered whether Lucien might have encountered Gustav’s carnival when it started in the Run, but that felt too close to Molly’s story. Besides, there would have to then be a reason he didn’t leave with them, and if that happened, why would Gustav not recognize Molly later? A one off encounter wouldn’t be that memorable, but something more involved would be harder to explain away. And I doubt this was what Matt would have done, so that eventually became the dream of Gustav telling Lucien’s fortune.

I also considered whether Lucien would have first picked that up at the Claret Orders, but considering how busy they would have been with training as blood hunters and exterminating monsters, that wouldn’t leave a whole lot of time to pick up that sort of oratory training. I doubt the Orders would have formal training on such a thing. Could one of the leaders have been a bard multi class that loved to talk? Sure. But making that fit between everything else in his teenage years felt odd for pacing. We’ll explore how the Orders affected Lucien’s speech later.

Around the time I was thinking that over, I was also heavily researching Irish folklore and history. I was trying to sort out if there was anything I could borrow for this story, especially to fill in the history of the Run. At some point, I read about seanchaithe, which the English wiped out in formal roles (official historians, etc.) in the 1600s. Informal seanchaithe continued on in tradition, but there are few left today. Considering it’s now 400 years later and the English had put in significant effort to quash Irish traditions and heritage, that shows that seanchaithe were highly valued by the Irish in spite of (or perhaps even because of) that oppression. It’s a very resilient tradition, one that ordinary folk would cling to even when faced with violent retaliation. Thus, it seems like that sort of thing would still be prized in the Run, as isolated and tumultuous as it was.

Paper and parchment can be expensive to make, and demand would be pretty low in small towns, driving up the prices further. Uma Cole, the innkeeper in Berleben, had to order a book from Zadash to have something to read. Most of the bookstores in Wildemount had limited options unless they were in larger towns with sizable affluent populations. So it follows that oral traditions would probably be ingrained in many cultures in Wildemount, while written prose and poetry were not as common. If that’s the case, then it could also be normal in Shadycreek Run, though I imagine most money-minded orators probably left for better ventures (like Gustav and his carnival).

Then I had all the pieces, but needed to work out details. It wouldn’t be that weird for Lucien (or other urchins) to learn from a seanchaí, but there’s still the fact that he’s a tiefling and has little to offer. What would a storyteller, who had decided not to leave the Run, place value in? Not money, not clout, not power.

Stories!

That also made sense for the type of personality of someone who would be willing to teach a tiefling orphan: they have a love for their craft and want younger generations to carry it on, so teaching anyone willing to learn passes on that tradition. Since that skill doesn’t require any tools or costs, it’s not like they would be worse off for doing it.

Thus, I came up with Seanchaidhe, the nameless teacher that taught Lucien how to speak poetically in Gaeilge. Does he do that in Common as a child? Nope! Seanchaidhe only responded substantively to Gaeilge, so eventually he didn’t bother speaking Common to her at all. It’s not rare for kids to figure out code switching like that: speak formally to certain people, and everyone else can suck a dick. Besides, considering his circumstances, speaking formally in Common would likely make him a target for bullying or give people the impression that he’s trying to act like a foreigner instead of speaking like a local. Ophelia Mardoon could get away with that, but an orphan wouldn’t. (There are entire books on code switching and intersectionality of class and race, so I won’t get further into it here, but after living that intersection, I side-eye any writer that includes a scene where Lucien stops “faking” how he speaks…)

The last detail I needed to figure out was how Lucien would manage to learn so much without writing. He could practice drawing in dirt or mud, but he wouldn’t have anything he could keep to study except for the books he stole, and those would probably have been few and far between. I researched mnemonics and ultimately decided that rhythms would probably be the most suitable for him. It matched what he would learn (speaking rhythmically is a common tactic for orators reciting long histories and stories), and it paired well with how Matt performed as Lucien in the stream. I then added some bits with polyrhythms to show off how that can get fairly complex and account for multiple variables.

All that culminated into this dream, which explores that both Lucien and Cree speak Gaeilge and write/read Ogham, Seanchaidhe was Lucien’s teacher, how he could “afford” that sort of help, and a peek into his thought process for how he memorizes things, including Ogham, stories, and maps. He puts things to rhymes so he can use rhythms to recall complex information.

So, with that information in mind, what should readers conclude about the rhymes at the start of each of these dreams? Hmmm…

We also get to see that Lucien began training for the gold medal in mental gymnastics at a very early age. There’s an example of little kid logic about why Cree’s signature in Ogham should be gold for her eyes instead of coll for her initial and why luis is better than ruis, which also hints at the negative associations Lucien has learned about the color red. Cree’s also already fairly insightful, sorting out his motivations even with his weird arguments.

Adjusting the Cards

I chose Jester for this POV because, as shown, she ends up making her own deck. In canon, her choice to expand on Molly’s deck was partially in memoriam and a way to process grief, but this time, it’s a purely artistic venture. And, of course, that gives me more chapter titles to work with.

There’s also some exposition about Lestera, a character from Molly’s origin comic. They had a sexual relationship, but the depth of their affection wasn’t laid out as plainly. Molly inherited her coat and cards, grieved her openly, and then never mentioned her by name in the stream. Maybe Taliesin had planned to eventually and had not gotten the chance. It also seems possible that she was the “beautiful woman … in a red coat” that Kingsley mentioned after Jester cast Greater Restoration on him. So now the reader is aware of who she was to Molly, and that plants some seeds for how he’ll handle certain conflicts later.

I also wanted to toy with some of the issues that Jester and Molly would disagree over. They both much prefer lighthearted and fun conversations, but we didn’t get to see much of them butting heads in canon. Of course, they don’t actually get heated over it.

This also provides exposition about Molly’s cards. It includes all of the cards from the deck sold in the CR shop, as well as ones mentioned in the stream (The Chariot and The Serpent) that weren’t. It could be that Taliesin changed The Serpent to The Tyrant, which is the red dragon opposite of Bahamut, but Jester drew “the silver dragon” as her first card in a three card reading, and “the serpent” was the third, so that wouldn’t be possible if they were on the same card. To keep it consistent with the stream, I made them separate cards.

However, I wanted to reconcile why The Serpent & The Maiden (from the origin comic) wasn’t in Molly’s deck when that was clearly Lestera’s card. The other cards were easy to rationalize away as Molly discarding them when they were too worn or no longer relevant, but this one would have had sentimental value. So I reasoned that Molly would have buried that card with Lestera. It was against his (and her) philosophy to cling to the past, so even if he thought of remaking her card, he’d conclude that he shouldn’t. So he compromised by making The Serpent opposite of something else, then changed that to The Crown.

Lots of foundational stuff for later development.

Room Service

Other than helping Jester with her shenanigans, Nott’s downtime was pretty much solo. I didn’t want to do too much navel-gazing with her because that wasn’t the vibe Sam pursued in the episode. Thus, I had her check in with Caleb, which offered the chance to check in on her suspicions of Molly and Caleb’s research.

Nott’s opinions tended to shift like a pendulum. She’d veer off to one extreme, then suddenly shift to the other. So, as suspicious as she would be of Molly, I could see her letting up on it if she found reason to think he wasn’t actually Lucien.

At least, for now.

The Evening Nip

Fjord is intelligent, but not wise. The most eventful scene with him would be at the end of his trip, so it was perfect to make him run into Cree again. However, as mentioned in Chapter 2, I had moved some of their dialogue to an earlier encounter. So this one had some in common, as well as new stuff.

And, unlike last time, now Cree’s wise to the Nein lying to her, so she digs for info as well. She doesn’t get much, though. Both Fjord and Cree come away with some empathy for the other. Cree’s fairly insightful, so she picked up on the fact that Fjord actually is suspicious of Molly. Fjord also recognized some similarities they have, so he doesn’t fault her for her persistence.

Of course, that’s just gonna add to the coming drama. Heehee.

Regroup

Caduceus’s POV is so perfect for recaps/regroups. He catches on to a lot of stuff the others are trying to hide, like how Nott is not actually a child. While he’s also gotten more comfortable with the group and being away from home, this is still way out of his comfort zone. Even so, they’re all pretty optimistic and have recovered from the horrors of the Iron Shepherds.

We also got to see Molly show off his cards of the Nein to them directly. I do want to point out: Molly didn’t make cards of anyone at the carnival. It could be that it had never occurred to him at the carnival, or he couldn’t think of what cards to make—at least, other than Yasha. Either way, it shows that Molly kept distance a bit from people at the carnival compared to what he’s doing with the Nein. He likes them a lot, even if he doesn’t verbalize it all that much.

Legend Lore

I think this was the earliest scene I drafted for this chapter. It was fairly early on that I decided to include a scene of Cree using Legend Lore to figure out how to bring Lucien back. It was the only spell available that allowed for a longer message between Cree and the Somnovem, so it seemed appropriate for conveying how to do such a ritual.

I also needed to address why Cree doesn’t just talk to the Somnovem all the time. As discussed in a prior post, she isn’t a priestess of the Nonagon at this time because it didn’t seem sensible that she would be after Lucien had died and before he returned to life. But that introduced a new plot hole to fill: while she wouldn’t have the same type of connection that the Nonagon did, Cree was still a cleric—why not use Legend Lore more often?

The answer seemed fairly obvious after considering it a bit. Cognouza is an eldritch horror. Comprehending it is damaging, as shown by the Nein’s reaction when Lucien attempted to share what it felt like after he had merged with Cognouza. Cree would frame that differently, of course. She thought the Somnovem were gods, as Lucien had done, so she rationalized that only special people (the Nonagon) or those with special protection (psychic, Nonagon filtering) could bear the toll for speaking directly with higher beings. Naturally, that meant there had to be consequences for attempting that without such protection. I figured a hefty amount of psychic damage would be a fair deterrent.

I came up with the sensations for the psychic damage in the first draft, though I polished it with each revision. Part of it was based on the sensation of a grand mal seizure, which I was unfortunate enough to experience (don’t worry, been seizure free for a decade). However, the feeling of a seizure can be disjointed from the actual movement. Thus, Cree’s perception did not quite match up to what her body was doing during the trance. This type of seizure is incredibly exhausting and debilitating, so Cree should not have been trying to get up or do anything, but, well, healing potions are a thing in Exandria, and they heal psychic damage too, so there.

The message from the Somnovem underwent a few rewrites, but it’s mostly the same. The most pertinent change was that the original had the Somnovem’s distinct “voices” to provide a preview of how each of them would be formatted. However, if Cree wasn’t supposed to be able to communicate with them safely, it would make sense that some information would be lost along the way. The more I thought it over, I realized I also didn’t want to give that information out too soon, so it was eventually removed and I added in a narrative note on it.

Of course, when Cree got fucked up, Otis was there to help. Kind of. Otis is the worst, so they couldn’t be that helpful. Plus the reader got to see a bit more of their dynamic, which is mostly based in curiosity and complete lack of respect for each other. Otis is essentially a warlock, and Cree is a cleric. They have their similarities, but they have wildly different world views, and that affects how they treat each other.

But, despite their differences, even Otis is somewhat squeamish about undead. The oldest of the Claret Orders (ghostslayers) were all about exterminating undead, so it makes sense that even people that left the Orders would have a strong distaste for necromancy. Besides, anyone who thought necromancy was cool was likely filtered out at the initiation phase.

As a final note: there’s some formatting fuckery going on in this scene. One was that there’s 9 of each type of paragraph (narration and Somnovem dialogue). It’s not the first time a scene has been counted in sets of 9. There’s two more formatting quirks that I’m not going to elaborate on just yet (and they’ve also happened before!), but by now, the reader really should be picking up that there’s a Pattern going on.