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lillaydee · 1 day ago

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Alone

Jackson! Joel Miller / OFC

Annie had always been alone. Until Jackson. But is it too good to be true?

Note: This was my second fic ever - the first one I wrote about Joel. Started writing to practice using English so if the language is bad please forgive me.

Also, Tess MIGHT not be shown in the best light here, so fair warning.

Word Count: 13,939 (It was 4 chapters, I combined it for this purpose)

WARNINGS:

EXTREME ANGST, Loneliness, Tess Lives (The Last of Us), Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Character Death, Minor Character Death, Not Canon Compliant, Graphic Death Descriptions

ANNIE

Annie had never really had people in her life. For less than a day, she had a mother and a father, both of whom immediately decided that having a baby was too much for them. She was found in a box in front of the fire station, and then immediately placed in the foster system, passed around, not really wanted by anyone, never staying anywhere long enough to make friends or get attached to people, until she turned 18 and was released into the society. She got a job as an assistant at the library, stacking books and helping with record keeping. For 30 glorious days, she had friends and a small room she rented from an old lady whom she helped with daily chores. She had a purpose and was looking forward to settling into her new life with her first paycheck.

And then the world went to shit.

For 20 years, Annie floated around, surviving, never really making any friends, just living, fighting, trying so hard to make sure she lived another day. Several times, she found places to set root in. Abandoned houses or shacks that can shelter her from harsh winters, and enough resources for her to forage or hunt for food. Those were the best days, she often thought. Getting to keep house, having a routine. But she was still alone. Alarmingly, she caught herself saying what was on her mind out loud daily. Just describing her day-to-day activities to the room or surrounding area, just to not lose her mind. Before she knew it, it became a habit. It’s not weird when she was alone. Not like there was anyone to laugh at her for talking to herself.

Every time, just when she got comfortable in her makeshift home, raiders would come. The infected would come. FEDRA would come. She was but one woman. She could fight, sure, years of surviving in this afterworld had forced her to learn, but she was still one woman. So, the backpack she kept ready to go was hauled onto her back, and a blanket filled with what she could carry slung over her shoulder, and she ran. On to the next place.

Sometimes she would be taken in by groups of people she met along her way, but the groups always moved on. In fact, on more than one occasion, she woke up to an empty camp, the people who had people having moved on without her, deciding she was not worth the resources needed to keep her with them. At least that’s what she told herself.

The men had use for her, though. They always had. Particularly in secluded places and under sleeping bags at night. She often wondered if she was upset by this, if she should feel used, offended. But to her, this was just another day. She had to survive somehow. And if her looks and body can help her survive another day, then so be it. The women did not see her that way, though. To them, she was a threat. Someone who mysteriously still looked good despite not having a meal plan and sleeping in the dirt every night for years on end. Someone who their men and protector could not seem to keep their eyes and hands off. Even at the end of the world, jealousy prevailed.

The men, although eager to take their payments from her, she noticed, would never put her before their women, which, in retrospect, was a good thing, but not for her. During every attack, every defense, she found that no one had her back. Often, she was left as bait so the others could escape, the men holding their women close to get them to safety. What she wouldn’t give to have someone do that for her.

She carried on as best she could. Moving from place to place, wandering around, never really sleeping, or eating well, until one day, she hit her limit. The conversations with herself stopped. She didn’t even have anything to say to herself anymore. How long can she keep doing this? Although she wasn’t aware of it at the time, going day to day for 20 years without anyone having her back finally caught up with her. She was all alone, with no one to love or live for, and no one to do the same for her. She felt tired. Surrendering, deciding that she had survived enough, and ready to give up. She stopped eating. Her body eventually got so weak she took to crawling to move when finding shelter but remained in the same area for weeks. When winter hit its peak, she stopped moving altogether. When her body grew numb and stopped shivering, she thought of the 30 days when she had people, had hope and purpose. If she was taking her last breath, those 30 days, the happiest days of her life were what she wanted to think about. No sadness when dying. Not when she had no one who would be sad for her demise.

That’s when Joel and Tommy found her, almost an icicle, starving and emaciated, and brought her back to Jackson.

From the moment Annie was brought into Jackson, Joel took it upon himself to make sure she was doing all right. He made sure Maria housed her in a small cottage at the end of the town, not far from his own place. He and Tommy came by every day for a week, fixing whatever needed fixing and making the place livable. Ellie and Maria came by and brought supplies – blankets, clothing, toiletries, even basic grocery needs – so she could start her new life in Jackson.

Maria learnt of her short experience at the library in the before, so asked her to help out in the library. Every day, Annie woke up, went to the mess hall for breakfast, went to the library, had lunch and continued working until the evening. Then, in the evenings, she would go to the storage warehouse, helping sort out supplies that had been brought in by the patrol groups, or even reorganizing a few things around. She kept to herself, though. She ate alone, worked alone, and went home alone. But she had a routine, people to serve and help. And in doing so people served and helped her as well, all a part of the ‘bartering’ system in Jackson.

Joel, Ellie, Tommy and Maria said hello every now and again. Tommy and Maria were friendly enough. Asking her if she needed anything, making sure she was alright and settling in well. Ellie began to stop by at the library, or even the warehouse, talking her ears off every single time. Annie liked spending time with her. Especially since she didn’t need to contribute much. Ellie would tell her everything she learnt, and then some. Movies she had watched, music she listened to, food she had tried, friends she had made. Annie began feeling less lonely, feeling as if she actually had people, even if for just a few minutes a day.

But Joel did more. Her firewood was always fully stocked. Her windows and doors never squeaked, her rotten steps magically fixed. He brought her bread every now and again. Jackets and books and whatever else he thought she would enjoy, extra fruits that he could get his hands on, anything, really. And if he happened to be on his way home at the same time as her, which was suspiciously often, whatever was burdening her hands would immediately be whisked away into his strong arms. He would walk the extra distance past his own house just to ease her person of anything she had to carry, which, at one point, was just her jacket, which she had taken off from being sweaty after a long day of organizing at the warehouse. He didn’t speak, though. Just a silent presence, grunting hellos and goodbyes sometimes. But no more.

After a few weeks of these unspoken actions, he began to linger on her porch after walking her home. And slowly but surely, the silences faltered. He started small talk with her. Asking about her day. It seemed Joel had never met anyone who was less prone to speaking than he was. She had been alone for so long, only having herself to speak to, so conversations did not come naturally to her. But she got used to Joel’s small talk, and eventually got comfortable talking to him, albeit in mumbled, or muttered short sentences. He was not exactly chatty to start with anyways.

When she got sick one day, these four people made sure she was taken care of, taking turns to check in on her, but Joel came every single day when he was not on patrol. When she got better, Joel continued to come every day, beginning with small talk on the porch, which eventually led to him being invited in for drinks, and their relationship progressed from there. Joel would tell her about his life from before. About his work, his daughter Sarah, about the depression and aimlessness that came from her death.

He told her about Tess, about his regrets of keeping her at arm’s length, of using her for survival, of scratching an itch while never acknowledging what might had been his true feelings for her until it was too late. He told her that despite his regret, he wasn’t sure if he would ever risk having such attachments to anyone ever again, his fear of losing them and down spiraling again too great a cost for his already fragile mind and heart. But then Ellie managed to somehow make him let his guard down, and now that he was safe in Jackson, with Ellie, Tommy and Maria, he wondered if he could risk his heart again. Perhaps let someone else in.

Their relationship turned physical sometime after that confession. That first time, Annie was shocked at how different things were with Joel. He was gentle, considerate, unlike the men she met before Jackson, who were only thinking of their own satisfaction, and never caring about hers. Joel explored her. Touched her. Felt her. Caressed her. With Joel, she didn’t feel like being used for sex. She felt as if she was cared for. Like she mattered. Important. And most importantly, she was sated. She woke up alone, his side of the bed rumpled, but oh so cold. Not that she minded. Other men left as soon as they were done with her. Why not him? This was what she knew. This was how sex was.

So, when he came back, time and again, and not always for sex, she was shocked. This is unfamiliar territory. He would still talk to her. He didn’t treat her like some leftover food he had spat out. She was not used to this. He seemed to still be interested in her. The sex remained intimate. Special. Eventually, he would hold her close after, and they would talk about nothing and everything. He never stayed over, though. He had Ellie to think about, he told her. She understood.

Despite their rendezvous turning sexual, Joel kept it private. He never showed her affection in public. Never sat for meals with her at the mess hall. Never sat with her during movie nights. Never danced with her at parties or gatherings. Behind closed doors, he could not keep his hands off her. But in public, he only watches her from afar, content with allowing Ellie, Tommy and Maria to entertain her and keep her company.

Annie didn’t mind. She knew how he felt, even though he never spent the night. She knew he wasn’t looking at anyone else. She knew she was his. She knew him enough to understand he needed time to navigate their relationship. And to be frank, this was more than she had ever had. So, who was she to question his intentions? At least she had him, even if it was just in the privacy of her little cottage. When out on patrol, despite him not talking to her unless they were alone, she knew he was watching, she felt as if for the first time in her life, someone had her back, even if it’s just a feeling.

Ellie knew. Maria knew. Tommy knew. They teased her about it sometimes. They knew she was Joel’s girl. That’s why they kept her company. Kept an eye on her at gatherings, knowing that the isolation she had been through made it difficult for her to make friends. Heck, even the town knew, despite the lack of PDA. She was often at the receiving end of sour looks from the single ladies of Jackson, those who had kept their eyes on Joel – the most eligible bachelor in town. The men had always paid attention to her, staring hard until they were forced to look away under the weight of Joel’s stern gaze, or, more often than not, their own wives’. Annie received death stares from those ladies for her troubles.

Joel noticed. He didn’t like it. She shouldn’t have to be on the receiving end of hatred from the ladies of Jackson, single or otherwise. So, for the first time since she arrived in Jackson exactly six months ago, he stayed. He comforted her and apologized to her. He reasoned that he was to blame for this. He should be more open about their relationship. So why don’t they have their meals together from now on? That way, people would see, and she would no longer be the sole gossip fodder. Annie agreed, looking forward to belonging for once.

The next morning, they walked to the mess hall together, her hand entwined in his. They picked up Ellie on the way and were soon joined by Tommy and Maria. Along the way, they chatted, Ellie reading silly jokes from her pun book. Annie had never felt so happy. She was part of a group. She had people. These people chose her. Joel’s hand never left hers. The group received looks from the townsfolk, But Annie found that when in a group, the looks were not suffocating. It made her feel good, in fact. She thought she even saw some smiles thrown her way. For the first time in her life, Annie felt content. She will be alright. She was cared about.

As they were approaching the mess hall, a commotion at the gate drew their attention to it. The gate was opened quickly, and a woman walked in. She looked worse for wear, her eyes searching her surroundings. Annie felt Joel and Ellie and freeze next to her.

“Tess”, Ellie said.

The next thing she knew, Ellie was running at full speed towards the woman. Tess, apparently. She collided with Tess and started sobbing, asking how? How? Annie looked at Joel for answers. He looked like he had seen a ghost. He let go of her hand, and walked over to the two who were still wrapped in each other, faces full of tears. Joel reached them, and Ellie let go. Tess and Joel stood there, staring at each other, his face still pale and in disbelief, hers, hopeful. Joel broke the tension with a bear hug. Tears falling down his face. When the hug broke, he kissed her.

He kissed her. On the lips. Passionate. Raw. Desperate.

He kissed her, right there in front of the mess hall, where half the townspeople were watching.

He kissed her.

Annie felt numb. Tommy and Maria stood there, frozen. Maria kept looking at her but was at a loss for words. Annie couldn’t move. She watched. She watched as Joel kept on kissing Tess fiercely, and the woman reciprocated just as much. When they finally broke, they were breathless, smiles all around. They grabbed Ellie and had a group hug. Tommy began to tell Annie who that woman was, but Annie already knew, finishing his sentence for him. The three turned and walked down the street, still in each other’s arms, Joel’s wrapped tightly around Tess’s waist, the other around Ellie’s shoulder.

Joel did not look at Annie.

A month went by, Tess had settled well it seemed. She stayed with Joel and Ellie. She was very popular, indeed. She was tough, but friendly. She had been around people all her life, so making friends came easy for her. She and Joel walked Ellie to school every morning, after having breakfast in the mess hall as a trio. They then spend the whole day on patrol together, coming back in time for a family dinner with Tommy and Maria. Tess’s arrival was the talk of the town. The town accepted Tess like she was the prodigal son, returned from some bad ass adventure to complete the first family of Jackson.

Annie waited for Joel to come to her. Say goodbye to her. Explain to her. But he never did. Neither did Ellie. Annie understood why Joel had to stay with Tess. He told her about his regrets after all. She was sure that if it had been her, she would have done the same. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. She didn’t need an apology. But a goodbye would have been nice. A closure of sorts, and then perhaps they could go back to being her people. But that never came. Tommy gave her some awkward smiles every now and again. Maria was the only one who talked to her often, but it was mostly at the library or the warehouse, mostly about work. One day, as Annie was giving Maria the weekly report on the stationery stock at the warehouse, her words stopped. Maria went to the window to see what she was looking at. Joel, Tess and Ellie, walking side by side, arms around each other as usual, laughing at something Ellie said. Annie’s heart felt heavy. Maria put her hand on her shoulder, a look of sympathy on her face.

“Please understand, they are a family”, she said.

Annie didn’t answer. Maria went on to explain that they had history, a connection from the start. How they thought she was dead, but she had magically survived. They swore to never take another moment for granted, to live their lives to the fullest. Joel and Ellie just didn’t know how to tell her, but she was sure they felt bad about it. They will come and talk to her one day, she said. She was sure of it. Just give them some time.

Annie remained quiet. She didn’t tell Maria how she waited for Joel to come. How she longed for a proper goodbye. How the women in town now sneered at her – dumped like yesterday’s garbage without so much of an explanation. She didn’t tell Maria how she received unwanted visitors now, women who berated her and threatened to kill her for their husbands’ unwanted advances on her during patrol. She didn’t tell Maria how she had started talking to herself again. She didn’t tell Maria that she was lonely. She didn’t tell Maria that she had been out with a terrible cold for almost a week, and despite her absence from her places of work, no one came to check on her. There was no use in telling her. She was alone. She will always be alone.

When another month passed and there was still no sight of Joel, Annie felt herself resenting the loneliness that quilted her. It was suffocating. It was all she could think about. She found herself in a familiar rut, except this time she had the knowledge of what it was like to have people. Being lonely when she didn’t know better was fine. But being lonely now, it was draining her quickly. And being lonely when there are people around her, especially those who she thought were her people – people who quickly decided she was not worth their forever after, or even the courtesy of a goodbye, pulling the rug of comfort from underneath her just as she began to settle on it – was unbearable.

She was on a supply run one day, on foot, along with Tommy, Maria, Joel and Tess. Maria thought bringing her along would be good, since they had planned to check out a nearby library for books for the school. She had to watch as Joel and Tess walked side by side, comfortable with each other, talking and laughing quietly among themselves, neither sparing her a look. Tommy and Maria were the same, save for some pitiful looks from Maria, and some very uncomfortable glances from Tommy. When the clickers came, the two couples moved in sync with their partners. Each having an eye out for the other. Having each other’s backs.

Annie was on her own. No one was there to watch her back, despite being in a group. While she was perfectly capable of taking care of the clickers herself, she couldn’t help but envy Tess when Joel pulled the last clicker off of her and finished it brutally before turning to her and checking for bites and injuries, a worried look on his face. She turned around, maybe to give them privacy, or maybe because she couldn’t handle the way her heart clenched at the sight. It didn’t help. In her new line of sight, Tommy was checking on Maria, just as Joel was on Tess. Annie felt blood trickling from her nose, an unfortunate consequence of falling on her face when she was surprised at the beginning of the attack, but no one was checking on her. So, she walked a little further to a small creek, wanting to wash her face off the blood that had now started to gush rather than trickle.

But a series of clicking made her stop in her tracks. She turned to see a clicker not 10 yards away from her, unaware of her presence thanks to the bubbling sounds coming from the water. She saw Joel in her periphery, quickly warning him to stay silent. Noticing the clicker, he raised his gun, only to realize he was out of bullets. Annie raised her own gun, one bullet left in the chambers. Tess appeared out of nowhere, her feet snapping a twig on the ground. The clicker reacted, ready to attack her. Tess was frozen in place. Annie fired at the clicker, hitting its shoulder. It turned and flew at her, landing right on top of her, mauling her shoulder and neck before another gunshot rang and the clicker fell off her.

Annie couldn’t move. Couldn't breathe properly. She could feel the cordyceps travelling through her bloodstream, the sound of the stream somehow muted by a loud gurgle in her ear, loud and frothy. Tess had shot the clicker. Tess had tried to save her. Suddenly she realized she didn’t feel scared. She looked at the sky, her mind going through the seven months of her 39 years on this earth where she had people. When she belonged. Happy. And now, as she was leaving, she didn’t feel that alone.

Joel and Tess came into view, the gun in her hand still smoking. Tommy and Maria came running, guns ready. None of them said anything once they saw the bloody bites on her neck and shoulder. Annie looked at Tommy, who turned the other way. Maria looked at her, a small smile on her lips, eyes full of attempted comfort. Tess looked… sorry? But she looked away too quickly for Annie to be sure. Annie focused her sight on Joel. She didn’t try to get up. She couldn’t read the expression on his face. But as he took Tess’s gun from her hands, Annie thought, or maybe hoped, she saw something resembling a glimmer of regret? Sadness even?

When he aimed the gun at her head, she saw for sure that he had tears in his eyes, before he closed them, turned his head the other way, and pulled the trigger.

Loneliness turned into nothingness.

JOEL

Joel stopped moving. Something in his periphery seemed suspicious. When Tommy reached his side, Joel stopped him. They had just walked this path yesterday. Joel was sure that the lump he and Tommy were looking at right now was not there then. They decided to approach, cautiously creeping towards it, guns out and ready. The lump was mostly covered by snow, but the grey and black cloth sticking out here and there caught his attention. Tommy went closer, Joel watching his back in case anything happened. There was nothing on the route, usually flat and clear from their patrol trails, except this lump.

When Tommy cursed and told him it was a person, Joel told him to make sure they were unarmed, or not dangerous. Tommy poked and prodded lightly at the person, and actually thought they were dead. When they pulled the jacket that was covering the person, Joel saw what he thought was a young girl. She was practically blue, and looked so emaciated, as if she hadn’t had anything to eat in weeks. Tommy dropped to his knees beside her, took his gloves off and checked her pulse. He couldn’t feel any. Rather than just move her, they decided to bury her, just for the humanity of it all. As Joel lifted her slightly frozen body, she moved, and a small whimper escaped her.

Joel almost dropped her from the shock.

They immediately decided they should take her back to Jackson. Joel had her laid against him on his horse, his heart clenching at how light she was, how weak, unable to sit by herself without support on the horse. Tommy ended up having to pass her to him like a parcel for both of them to be on the horse. Joel’s heart wept throughout the two hours journey, for she was constantly, weakly crying from the pain that the horse’s movements caused her, her bones too brittle, her muscles too weak and out of use to respond. She ended up spending her first ten days at the infirmary mostly sleeping, only waking long enough to eat the small amounts of food that her shrunken stomach could take several times a day, IV drips continuously rehydrating her poor worn body.

Joel found himself unable to stay away. His thoughts were always on her. Had she been alone? Was she captured? Did someone torture her? Will she be alright? He spent his free time at her bedside, but slipped away whenever she stirred, worried that his presence might scare her. If she had been tortured, having a big, unfamiliar man such as himself next to her bed might be traumatizing, and he didn’t want that for her.

Ellie came to keep him company sometimes, curious as to why Joel had taken such an interest on this new person. The truth was, he didn’t even have an answer for that. Was it because he felt responsible? Maybe he didn’t want someone else to die on his watch? Maybe because he saw Sarah, Ellie, or even Tess in this person? As the days passed, the new patient’s face grew fuller, her body cleaner and slowly filling up, and it became apparent that she was attractive. Ellie started teasing him – ooh… no wonder you wanted her here, Mister Joel we-cannot-trust-people Miller, complete with a mockery of his voice. Joel rolled his eyes and gave her a stern look, but wondered if the little precocious girl was right.

When she was strong enough, Maria asked the woman a few questions. They learned that she had been alone, only joining groups whenever she ran into one, but often left alone again. They learned that the isolation meant she had no idea how much time had passed since the world ended. They learned that she had just turned 18 when the outbreak happened, although she certainly did not look 38. They learned that her name, was Annie.

When Annie was released from the infirmary, Joel took it upon himself to make sure she was doing all right. He made sure Maria housed her in a small cottage at the end of the town, not far from his own place. He and Tommy went by every day for a week, fixing whatever needed fixing and making the place livable. Ellie and Maria sent supplies – blankets, clothing, toiletries, even basic grocery needs – so she could start her new life in Jackson.

Joel watched Annie from afar that first week. He saw that she went to the mess hall for breakfast in the mornings, spent a better part of her day working at the library before spending some time helping out at the storage warehouse. She kept to herself, though. She ate alone, worked alone, and went home alone. Joel felt like a creep for watching her like this, but for some reason he couldn’t bear to tear himself apart from her. He needed to know how she was doing. So, he sent Ellie, Tommy and Maria her way, making sure she had everything she needed. Ellie had even taken to visiting her at work after school just to keep her company. It made his heart swell with pride, his little girl being so considerate of Annie.

For his part, Joel did not approach her still. Instead, he went around to her little cottage and made sure she had what she needed. He chopped wood for her. Fixed her squeaky doors and windows for her. Once, he had fallen through the rotten step on her front porch as he was trying to place firewood on it. He fixed it before she came home.

Since he settled in Jackson not six months ago, Joel had never been aware of the looks he received from the ladies. He was basically their eye candy. When Tommy brought this to his attention, he dismissed the idea. Twenty something young ladies swooning over an old man like him indeed, what a ridiculous notion. What he did not realize was that this was true. They would find any excuse to talk to him. Every time he went to the shops for groceries, the ladies managing them would slip in extras for him, supposedly because he had a young charge to feed, and growing little girls need nourishment. He didn’t need the extra fruit and bread and the likes, the usual supply more than enough for him and Ellie. So, he began dropping off the extras to Annie, knowing that she was still too shy and uncomfortable to go to the shops to get her own. He took the opportunity to find her around town to give them to her, or sometimes passed them to Ellie to make sure she got them.

Whenever Joel went on supply runs, Joel looked out for things Annie would need. A warm winter jacket, gloves, scarves, anything at all. There was a mall near-ish to Jackson the patrol visited a lot. Usually, Joel would just collect what he could and send them straight to the warehouse after. But these days, he would select things that he thought would suit Annie the most, and then gave them to her by hand while at the warehouse. Joel also found himself lingering after his job was done, waiting for Annie to finish her work, and pretended like he just happened to be there when she was leaving. He would just relieve her of whatever she was carrying, and silently walked next to her all the way to her little cottage. When they arrived, he would just deposit the items on her porch, and quietly left.

Joel could not understand it, but he needed to be near Annie. Needed to get to know her better. And despite their encounters always lacking conversation, he was comfortable with her. She made him feel at ease. So, he began asking her small talk questions. And she, in turn, politely nodded, or shook her head in response. Joel found that he didn’t mind. And anytime she smiled at something he said, he could’ve sworn he was floating on air. Over time, Joel and Annie became closer. They would exchange life stories. And Joel, the most private, grumpy, emotionally unavailable person he knew, shared his most intimate stories with her. He told her about Sarah. He told her what he attempted to do upon her death. He told her how hollow he was, how emotionless, how depressed. He shocked himself at this, he had never told anyone about this, not even Tess or Ellie – not directly anyways, and certainly not a few weeks after meeting them, with barely enough words spoken to each other. They had both found out about Sarah through Tommy and Maria respectively. Tommy told Tess about his failed attempt for his life, and he only told Ellie about it to try to make her understand how much she had given him hope. Heck, if Tommy wasn’t there with him during those times, he might not even have told him, his own brother.

He told her about Tess, his regrets about how his relationship with her turned out. He saw Tess as someone to survive with. Someone he could scratch an itch with, cared for, looked out for, but never someone he had deep feelings for. A partner, a business one, with the added benefit. When she died, he felt as if he had used her, knowing that she felt more for him than he did for her, and the guilt made him wonder if he really did just see her as such, or if things would have turned out different had he just allowed himself to love. He had dreams when he first arrived in Jackson, he said, of him, Tess and Ellie settling down as a family. He always woke up convinced he had screwed up, that he was indeed in love with Tess, but it was all too late. He told her that despite his regret, he wasn’t sure if he would ever risk having such attachments to anyone ever again, his fear of losing them and down spiraling again too great a cost for his already fragile mind and heart. But then Ellie managed to somehow make him let his guard down, and now that he was safe in Jackson, with Ellie, Tommy and Maria, he wondered if he could risk his heart again. Perhaps let someone else in.

Joel told her a lot of things he never thought he would tell anyone. He was just very… comfortable with her. In return, Annie told him about her life on the road, about the groups she had joined, those who used her for sex, who left her when she was no longer needed. Those who treated her like trash just because their men looked her way. How she had no one to talk to, except herself. How she gave up, and resigned herself to dying alone, just as she had lived, when Joel and Tommy found her. Joel’s heart ached at her life story. Annie seemed unaware how unconventional her life was – she had grown so accustomed to being alone, being treated badly, that she didn’t see the wrong in those people she had met. To her, that was all just another day.

When he tried to kiss her for the first time, Annie admitted to not knowing what to do, or how to reciprocate. The other men had never done so. It was always a quick in an out, mostly for fear of their partners knowing, her legs spread open while she was sleeping and a hand over her mouth to stop her from screaming, or a quick bend over against whatever was out of the line of sight of the group they were with, again, with a hand over her mouth.

Joel bristled at this. So, he patiently, with her consent, showed her what sex could be like. He was gentle, considerate, and giving. Joel explored her. Touched her. Felt her. Caressed her. All he wanted was for her to feel cherished, so that she didn’t feel like being used for sex. Cared for. Mattered. Important. And most importantly, sated. He didn’t stay, but he made sure to always come back, and not just for sex. He didn’t want her to think that was all he wanted from her. He made sure the sex remained intimate. Special. Eventually, he would hold her close after, and they would talk about nothing and everything. He still did not stay the night. He had Ellie to think about, he told her. She understood.

What Joel didn’t know was that the whole town already knew. In fact, his lack of public acknowledgement of this relationship made her a walking target. His fan club called her a hussy, opening her legs for scraps from Joel when he didn’t even want to be seen in public with her, despite the fact he was seen with her daily. The men leered and stared at her, and their partners hated her, blamed her for their partners’ wandering eyes. When he found out, he kicked himself for keeping her at an arms-length, his decision making her more of a target than she would have been if he had just been more open. So, for the first time since she arrived in Jackson exactly six months ago, he stayed over. He held her, comforted her and apologized to her. He suggested they sit for their meals together from now on. That way, the single ladies would see that he wanted her to be with him, that she wasn’t in some one-sided delusional sexual arrangement with him, the men would know to back off her, and their partners would stop blaming her for their husbands or boyfriends’ roving eyes and filthy thoughts.

Despite their rendezvous turning sexual, Joel kept it private. He still walked her to and from work daily, but he never showed her affection in public. Never sat for meals with her at the mess hall. Never sat with her during movie nights. Never danced with her at parties or gatherings. Behind closed doors, he could not keep his hands off her. But in public, he only watches her from afar, content with allowing Ellie, Tommy and Maria to entertain her and keep her company. Joel noticed that as time passed, Annie opened up more, laughed more, communicated more, got out more. His heart grew in size seeing her so happy.

He wanted to be near her, wanted to shout about their relationships from the rooftop, but he wanted to protect her. Gossip in a small town such as Jackson can be debilitating, and with her looking so much younger than her actual age, Joel didn’t want her to be the target of gossipmongers, that young lady with a creepy old man. So, he kept his distance, in public anyway.

Joel froze.

The next morning, they walked to the mess hall together, her hand entwined in his. They picked up Ellie on the way and were soon joined by Tommy and Maria. Along the way, they chatted, Ellie reading silly jokes from her pun book. Joel was happy to see how happy Annie was. She laughed at Ellie’s stupid pun book jokes, chatted freely with Maria and Tommy, and cuddled up to him like it was the most natural thing to do. Joel thought to himself, this was it. He was finally happy. Settled. Content.

As they were approaching the mess hall, a commotion at the gate drew their attention. The gate was opened quickly, and a woman walked in. She looked worse for wear, her eyes searching her surroundings.

“Tess”, Ellie said.

Ellie ran full speed towards Tess, colliding with her, hugging her tight and started sobbing, asking how? How?

Joel felt his insides freeze. Time ceased to exist. Tess was dead. She died. In Boston. She got bitten, and sacrificed herself so that he and Ellie could escape. How could she be here? But Ellie was hugging her. And she was hugging Ellie back, so it couldn’t be his imagination, could it? His entire body just moved without his control. It was as if he was in a fantasy world, one where he visited almost every night those first few months he and Ellie arrived in Jackson, sleeping safe and sound in their beds at night, where Tess was alive, and he got to do everything he wished he had done before she died. The one where he had allowed himself the possibility of love, where they were a family, and everyone was alright. His feet just moved him towards the two. He held out his hand and touched her face tentatively. Part of her face and neck were scarred, burnt, most likely, but it was Tess. It was definitely her.

“Hi Joel”, she said, her eyes full of hope that he would recognize her, and happy to see her there.

This must be a dream. Surely, he was dreaming. He was touching her. If this was a dream, this was the realest dream he had ever had. He hugged her. Her scent overwhelmed him, it was so familiar, so real, yet so surreal. He thought of the last time they saw each other, how she was screaming at him to leave, how she wouldn’t let him near her, how he wished they could have one last kiss.

So, he kissed her. He poured all his regret and guilt into that kiss. He forgot where he was, he had forgotten since he saw her. All he could think of was Tess, and that she was here, and that she was alive, in his arms, kissing him. He can make things right. Everything he had spent months of sleepless nights thinking and dreaming about could come true now. He was high on that dream. Tess was back. When he broke the kiss, he looked at Tess and Ellie’s faces, both wet from tears, and knew his own was too. He pulled them both into a hug and turned around to bring them home.

The moment he got Tess showered and fed, the three of them sat in the living room, all curled up together. She told them how her sleeve caught fire during the chaos, and out of fear and pure panic, she ran out, frantically trying to put out the fire licking at her arm, neck, and parts of her face. She was thrown away from the building when the blast happened, and woke up the next day, burns all over her. She realized that she hadn’t turned, and that the fire must have burnt her infection off. Her injuries made it slower to move, but eventually she got to Frank and Bills, and spent some months alone, recuperating with the supplies they had before making her way to Jackson.

When they had sex that night, Joel thought to himself, this was a good dream. This could not be real. So, he savored it, letting Tess bounce on him as usual, making up for lost time, before they both fell asleep content, Joel wishing he would never wake up from this dream.

Except he did wake up. The next morning. And Tess was still there sleeping soundly. Joel felt as if something was not right. What was it? Hearing Ellie’s alarm clock down the hall snapped him out of his wondering. He got dressed, careful not to wake Tess, and went downstairs to prepare something for Ellie. She came down, sat in front of him, looked at him with hesitant eyes and asked:

“So, what are you going to do about Annie?”

Shit. This was not a dream. This was real.

Fuck. Annie.

Joel’s insides froze. Annie. He was with Annie. He was holding her hand when he saw Tess. And he let go… to kiss Tess full on the lips… in front of Annie. And then he just… left her there.

Fuck.

Joel knew immediately how much he had fucked up.

He needed to go to Annie. He had to explain.

But explain what exactly?

‘Hi baby, I’m sorry I let go of your hand, but I was out of my fucking head cause I thought I was seeing a ghost and then when it turned out she wasn’t one I kissed her full on in front of you cause I was glad she was alive, left you there, and then cheated on you’????

Doesn’t seem like the best excuse. Ellie was still staring at him, expecting an answer. His mind was blank. There was nothing he could think of that would excuse his appalling behavior.

“Dude, you need to tell her something. Are you breaking up with her? Or are you telling Tess about her? But you need to do something. Figure out what you want,” she said. As if he didn’t know that. Although annoyed that he was being schooled by a 15-year-old, he couldn’t help but feel ashamed of himself.

As he walked Ellie to school that morning, she told him what she thought of this situation. She thought Joel would be much happier with Annie. Annie was the person he chose, not the person he happened to work well with out of some desperate situation, regardless of how long he had known the ladies. Although she was glad Tess survived and was in Jackson with them, she didn’t think Tess was what he needed. Annie brought softness in him, calmness. His nightmares stopped after Annie came into his life. And while she didn’t know Tess for long, she doubted that Tess brought those things out of Joel. But of course, it’s his decision. But he needed to make one. Walking home from school, he was joined by Tommy and Maria, who, annoyingly, parroted the same sentiment Ellie did.

They had a point. He was a changed man with Annie, for the better, and everyone could clearly see it. She calmed him, soothed him. When they were on the road with Tess, his sleep was interrupted with nightmares of Sarah. When he thought Tess died, they began to intersperse with visions of Tess burning and telling him she loved him. When they got to Jackson, that changed into the fairytale happy family which nightmarish quality was crudely brought to reality every time he woke up, leaving him in doubts and guilt, every time.

“I hope you won’t be too turned off by these”, she said, gesturing at the visible burn marks on her face, neck and shoulder. “I cannot believe Jackson is real. I am aware that you and Ellie have your own lives now, but I guess we can give being a normal couple a shot now, huh? A real shot at happiness? Be a family? The three of us?”

Those nightmares stopped completely when he met Annie. Those of Sarah, of Tess. No more nightmares. Rested. Only deep, peaceful sleep, even when she was not in his arms at night. He liked this new version of himself. He needed to tell Tess the truth before going to Annie to beg for her forgiveness.

When he got home, Tess was waiting for him. Her hopeful face lit up when she saw him. As they were drinking their morning coffee, Joel braced himself to tell her about Annie. But Tess spoke first.

Joel was tongue-tied. The guilt that haunted him before came rushing back, despite the logic that filled his heart moments ago. He had often wondered what his true feelings for her were, and now he had the chance to find out. Shouldn’t he give it a shot so he would know once and for all and be done with it? Annie would understand, he just needed to tell her, and explain everything. After all, she was aware of his feelings and unresolved questions regarding Tess.

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s give it a shot”.

The smile that lit up Tess’s face made him think he had made the right choice.

When Ellie came home from school and learnt of the decision, she didn’t look too pleased, but hugged Tess anyway. Joel thought he saw the smile on Tess’s face faltered, only to be turned back on. When Tess went to shower, Ellie asked him what about Annie? Joel explained his side of the decision, promising to tell Annie about it. Ellie shook her head disappointingly but hugged him in support anyway. Tommy and Maria did not look too pleased when Tess told them the news either, but smiled and hugged her, welcoming her to the family anyway. Like Ellie, they quietly warned Joel to talk to Annie. To not abandon her fully. Joel was starting to get exasperated by all this meddling, talking to him as if he was a child who needed reminding.

That evening, while Maria was showing Tess around town, Joel went to the warehouse to talk to Annie. But as he was approaching the door, Maria and Tess were on their way out, and he saw Annie inside, head down, looking forlorn, trying to be strong, having been introduced to Tess face to face for the first time. The look on her face hurt him. He was the cause of that. Gone was the smile that had only begun to grace that face these few weeks ago, a slight downturn of the quivering lips replaced it, as if to stop herself from crying. Tess hugged him tight, thinking he was there to walk her home, and gave him a kiss. When he looked through the window, all he saw was Annie rushing away, looking as if she was crying.

Tomorrow, he thought. He will find her tomorrow. He had to talk to her. He must.

But during those few weeks, Tess did not leave Joel alone at all. She was with him wherever he went, some parts of the bodies always connected, at her insistence. It was as if she was nervous that she would be turned away, chased out of Jackson if she wasn’t with him, or that he would float away from her. She insisted that being with him was the only way the town would accept her quickly, because she was with Joel Miller. He couldn’t get away. He contemplated telling her about Annie just so he could go see her, but Tess’s newfound insecurity about the burns on her body made him think that she would not take him having a new and stunningly beautiful girlfriend when he thought she was dead well.

A month in, he found Ellie standing in front of the warehouse, looking as if she was contemplating going in, Annie inside, talking to Maria while perusing a ledger of sorts. Joel wanted so badly to go in, but Tess was just behind him, and Joel led Ellie away from the warehouse. As they were walking away, Joel’s hand was on Ellie’s stiff shoulder, walking a few steps ahead from Tess. She caught up with them, and quickly took his other hand and placed it on her hip. She asked Ellie what she was doing in front of the warehouse, and the teenager answered with some horrifically bad joke about looking for rats to feed some younger kids as a prank, laughing uncomfortably while doing so. Tess laughed out loud, and though Joel could tell Ellie was lying, he gave a small laugh anyway. When they got home, Ellie pulled Joel into the backyard, telling him that he needed to speak to Annie soon, as she couldn’t bear to see how sad and alone she was. Even Tommy and Maria couldn’t bear to talk to her about this, afraid that they might say the wrong thing. Plus, this was Joel’s mess to clean up, not theirs. It was not their place. It had to be him, as if he didn’t already know that.

At this thought, Joel was starting to resent Tess’s separation anxiety, and was beginning to see the consequences of his actions. Ellie had stopped talking to them both, resenting Joel’s cowardice, blaming his blind loyalty to Tess for it, only giving short answers when asked. Tess had chalked it to her being a moody teenager rather than ask her what she was angry about. Tommy and Maria stopped talking to them about personal things, only speaking to them when work was concerned. No more dinners together, no more double dates. All three of them making it quite clear to Joel that he was being cruel to both ladies. That he needed to sit down and reflect on what the fuck he was doing. To stop letting guilt eat him up. Tess was alive. She didn’t die, so all the guilt he felt that led to him going along with her needs shouldn’t conquer him anymore. That his indecisiveness and cowardice were making the three of them the bad guys as well. So, make his mind up already, for fuck’s sake.

What Joel didn’t tell anyone was, his nightmares were back. But this time, it was just Sarah, standing in a fenced yard, looking at him sadly. Try as he might, he could not get over the fence. As the weeks went by, she looked sadder and sadder, and over time, her sad expressions turned into disappointment. Joel always woke up feeling like an asshole, a coward, a failure. And he knew exactly why. He knew he had to come clean, but Tess being so vulnerable and self-conscious right now, he needed to be alone to talk to Annie.

But try as he might, Tess was not ready to go solo in her day-to-day business. Every time he tried to even suggest she went off on her own, to be independent, she found some excuse not to do it. Joel was stuck. Every time he saw Annie in town, his heart lurched. She was looking tired, like she had lost some weight and lacked a good night’s rest. She was always alone. Walking or eating with her head down. Joel wanted so badly to go to her, but with Tess there, he had to be careful. They were giving being a couple a shot, so the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Tess, but at the same time, he desperately wanted to talk to Annie, to make her smile again. Heck, he would take her wrath at full blast, would accept her never talking to him again, even a beating or two if it meant she wouldn’t be sad anymore.

That was when Joel really thought of things. After being with Tess for two months in a domestic setting that they could only dream of pre-Jackson, he didn’t feel any different to what he did before. He began to realize that even in an ideal setting such as this, he was never going to see Tess as a life partner.

Personality wise, Tess was strong and dominant, immovable, never taking any nonsense from anyone, and had a grit to her attitude that made people listen. That was why they were so successful back in Boston. She was the mastermind; he was the muscle. They worked well together because of that. But despite caring about her a lot back then, he was never in love with her. Even now, Tess made the decisions in the house. She decided everything, what they eat, which shifts to take, where they go, who they should be friends with. She was determined to make this relationship she had wished they had back in Boston a success, to be seen and known as a couple. To be a real couple. Any time Joel tried to suggest something, she managed to steer him her way, and his guilt-riddled mind would cave.

Being physical with Tess felt… forced. She initiated them. Whether at home or in public, she took his hand to hold, to wrap around her. It was always her who kissed him, and never the other way around. And somehow, these touches felt wrong in his hands. Despite knowing her for so long, holding her hand and having his arm around her waist just felt odd. Awkward. Their arrangement in Boston didn’t lead to those things. Sex still felt like scratching an itch, an act, he realized, he had never initiated since her arrival in Jackson. She would just climb on top of him, get him ready and take and take and take. Despite participating in the most intimate experience two humans can possibly partake in, there was no physical contact apart from the obvious. There was no intimacy. No connection. It was more of a race to orgasms. That kiss they shared upon her arrival was as intimate as they had ever gotten. After, they would just go to sleep. She would spoon him sometimes, but he never felt the need or desire to do that to her. There was never any pillow talk, no heart to heart, no talking about their innermost desires.

Annie, on the other hand, was the complete opposite of Tess. She was soft and submissive, but not necessarily weak. Being alone all those years made her tough and decisive when making choices for herself, but since joining Jackson she was more considerate of others, having realized that she needed to change slightly, now that she was no longer the only person that mattered, that she lived in a society, in a relationship, in fact. Any decision they made as a couple was always made together, and she had never forced her ideas and preferences on Joel, choosing instead to let him move at his own pace, content with what he had been willing to give her. Even now, when he had selfishly distanced himself from her, not once had she forced her presence on him and his family, despite how sad it obviously made her.

Physically, there was no comparison. Their connection was instant, Joel immediately comforted by her mere presence. Joel had never felt the intimacy they had with each other with anyone else. Not even Sarah’s mother, certainly not with Tess. Sex was not sex. It was making love. An equal need, often initiated together, spontaneously, both wanting to please each other, both giving and taking. And before Tess’s arrival, he found himself desperate to hold her after, enjoying the feeling of her body against his, both of them unburdening themselves of their innermost thoughts and insecurities with each other. Her hand in his felt right, as if her hand was what was missing from his own. His hand on her hips or around her waist and shoulder felt like they belong there. Every touch fitting perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle.

The thing that Joel realized was that it was not Tess’s fault. She had not changed. She was the same person she was during their smuggling days. The only difference was that they no longer had to struggle to survive from day to day. They had a nice house, all the amenities they needed, all the food they could eat. And still Joel felt that she was the one making the effort to make this relationship work, as staccato and routine as the relationship was. It was as if she wanted this more than he did. Which was how it had always been. Nothing had changed. Whilst he did love her, he realized now, for certain, that he was not in love with her. She was someone he worked with, and stuck with out of familiarity and need, a mutually beneficial relationship, but it was never love, at least not for him. He had let his guilt take over and ran his life with it.

Whereas Annie was someone he instantly connected with. Maybe it was savior complex, but he was pulled to her from the start, even when she was near death on that track, almost completely covered in snow. Their relationship was not one of convenience. He chose to begin one with her, making the effort to get to know her better, and kept on working to move forward in the relationship, taking small steps to bigger things each time. He opened up to her. And he knew for certain that he would have told her about the new nightmare that was plaguing him. He knew he was in love with her.

Joel kicked himself upon this realization. He was in love with Annie. Not Tess. It was never Tess. He needed to tell Annie, and even if she decided he was no longer worth her time, even if she hated him with all her being, he would respect that. But he could no longer live in this delusion he had stupidly created for himself.

That night, he told Tess that this domestic dream of theirs was not going to work. That they should go back to being friends. Tess looked disappointed but seemed to pull herself together. They gave it a shot, and obviously, his feelings hadn’t changed. She asked if there was someone else. He was truthful, saying that he was with someone when she came back into his life, and that he hurt her when he decided to give the relationship a go. But when Tess asked who the person was, he chose to keep quiet. They decided that he would sleep on the couch until Maria could arrange for another house for Tess, and that they would respect each other enough to remain friends and keep working together if needs must.

The next day, Tess acted no different than usual, no resentment, no tantrums, no emotional breakdowns. They were due to go on a supply run with Tommy and Maria. Joel planned to talk to them both then, about the separation and the need to find Tess another place to settle in. He told Ellie his decision over breakfast, the teenager barely able to contain her elation at the news. It was not that she didn’t like Tess. She just wanted Joel to be happy, and he was much happier and more relaxed when he was with Annie. Joel decided to drop by the warehouse after the run, and walk Annie home, just like he did all those months ago, beg for her forgiveness, and hope for the best.

But when they got to the gate, Annie was there, armed, and ready to go on the run with them. Maria quickly pulled Joel aside and explained the purpose of the trip, and as the person in charge of the library, her eyes would be useful for this run. Resigned, Joel decided to delay his news until they get back – he didn’t want to hurt Tess’s feelings further by announcing their separation in the presence of the woman he was leaving her for. He owed her that much.

They walked at a distance from each other, Tommy and Maria up front, Annie in the middle, and Joel and Tess at the rear, eyes forward, occasionally turning around to watch their surroundings. This was the longest Joel had been in Annie’s presence in the two months they had been separated, and it seemed, as hard as he tried, he could not help himself from looking at her, wishing she would turn around to see her face.

“It’s her, isn’t it? The woman you are in love with?” Tess asked.

Joel couldn’t answer. As much as he wanted to admit to it, he didn’t want Tess to know like this. So, he kept quiet. But his silence was all the answer Tess needed.

“She’s very pretty. Is she nice to Ellie?” she pressed.

Again, Joel kept quiet.

“It’s okay Miller. I get it,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” Joel offered.

“It’s okay Joel. We’ll still be friends. You cannot get rid of me that easily. I came back from the dead, you know?” she joked with a mischievous look on her face.

They both laughed softly, not wanting to make much noise. Joel felt lighter. Somehow, Tess being in the know made it better. Made him hopeful that this would be alright. But for now, he would walk alongside Tess, and do his job.

When the clickers came, their years of fighting off clickers together came into play. It was muscle memory. Working as a duo instead of individually. Every now and again, Joel would look for Annie. She seemed to be doing fine, killing it, in fact, literally. Her moves were practiced and practical, efficiently fending off clicker after clicker, before disposing them with a single gunshot. His attention was pulled back to Tess, a clicker had managed to get on top of her, Tess struggling to fight it off. No, Joel thought. He was not going to let this happen again, no matter what happened between them. He rushed over, pulled the clicker off her, and shot it. He pulled Tess up, and checked her for bites, a force of habit now, ever since he missed the bite she took back in Boston.

Satisfied that she was alright, he looked for Annie, wanting to check on her. He saw her, just disappearing behind some trees. He was quick to follow, ignoring Tess’s calls behind him, silently checking that Tommy and Maria were doing alright on his way. As he turned the corner, he saw her, face bloodied from a nosebleed, standing stock still facing something he couldn’t see. She saw him and put a finger to her lips. Joel raised his gun, aware that there must be a clicker around, its hearing tampered by the sounds coming from the stream. He moved quietly further up and saw the clicker. He pulled the trigger, but nothing but a small click came. He had run out of bullets.

As he was frantically trying to think of how to get Annie to safety without alerting the creature, Tess came into sight, realizing too late the clicker’s presence, and her foot fell heavily on a large twig. The clicker turned to her and snarled, stance at the ready to attack. Tess didn’t move, seemingly frozen to the spot, gun in hand not even raised to shoot. The clicker began to make its move, but before it could, a gunshot rang, and the clicker changed direction.

Towards Annie.

Joel felt as if everything slowed down. Annie took a step back and fell, the clicker getting nearer and nearer. Joel started running towards her, and saw Tess snap out of her trance, raising her gun, aiming at the clicker. Joel thought he saw the clicker bite Annie on the shoulder, eliciting a scream from her. It’s okay, he thought. Tess’s infections burnt off. Maybe they could try that. Tess will shoot the clicker. Everything will be alright.

But no shots came. He saw Tess hesitate. She fucking hesitated. In all the years he had known her, Tess had never hesitated with a shot. The clicker was fully on Annie now. She was using all her might to fend it off. Joel heard her scream.

A blood curdling, full-bodied scream. And then silence, save for the snarling of the clicker.

Joel reached Tess’s side. He snatched the gun away from her, aimed and shot. The clicker fell off Annie, who was now no longer moving. He stared at Tess, who couldn’t meet his eyes. He tossed the gun back at her, before going to Annie, kneeling beside her, refraining from gathering her in his arms.

His heart sank.

She was not only bitten, she was mauled. Chunks of flesh missing from her neck and shoulder, blood gushing from the wide-open artery on her neck. No amount of fire can help her, not without killing her. Joel held her limp hand. It was cold. Too cold.

***graphic descriptions of injuries and killing below ***

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“Annie, baby? It’s me. Look at me baby. I’m right here. I’m here baby. Please look at me. I love you. Please forgive me. I love you, Annie. I am so in love with you. Please baby. Look at me. Hang on for me okay”, he pleaded, tears pouring down his face.

Annie did not respond. It was as if she couldn’t hear him. Her breathing was ragged, frothy, gurgled - each stricken breath pumping more blood out of her neck.

Tommy and Maria arrived, both in disbelief at what they came to face. Joel kept pleading for Annie to look at him, but to no avail. Her eyes focused on the sky. She didn’t look scared. In fact, she seemed at peace. As if she knew this was it. Joel held her jaw, careful not to move her, and she seemed to come out of a trance, eyes looking at Tommy, and then Maria, and then Tess. Tommy turned around. Tears wet on his cheeks. Maria struggled with her own tears, trying hard not to scare Annie. And Tess… Tess looked… guilty.

Joel saw her beautiful brown eyes turning cloudy. The hand he was holding now starting to twitch. The infection was coming and coming fast. He had to end this. He squeezed her hand, leaned in and whispered that he loved her one more time, that he was sorry, and kissed her temple. Not that it helped. Her eyes were still looking around, searching. He stood up, his chest heavy with regret, already mourning the inevitable. He took the gun out of Tess’s hand. And that’s when he saw Annie’s eyes finally fixed on him. The eyes that he had missed so much, but had stupidly avoided these last couple of months, because he was too cowardly, too in his own head with his own dilemmas and indecisiveness to face them. And now that he had finally made up his mind, ready to forge a life of happiness with them, those eyes were closing for good. He had to do it. Before those eyes turn into the red, cold, snarling ones of the enemy. He had to do it, so he could remember her like this.

And so, with her beautiful eyes fixed on him, he tearfully looked at them one last time, and took his aim. But for the life of him, he found that he could not do it. So reluctantly, he closed his eyes, turned his head the other way, and pulled the trigger.

AFTERMATH

The walk back to Jackson was uncomfortably silent. Joel walked alone up front, not wanting to be with anyone. Tommy had his arms around Maria, who was quietly sobbing. Tess in the rear, her face unreadable.

Joel buried Annie by the river, not accepting help from anyone. His hands all bloody from the branches he used to dig a shallow grave, before picking Annie up to finish the deed. He held her close for ages, shoulders shaking with silent sobs for his lost love. He worked silently, not looking at anyone.

Behind him, Maria and Tommy were questioning Tess about what happened. When Tess told them, a strangely quiet, yet deafening whispered shouting match ensued, worried that more clickers might be nearby. Tess readily admitted she hesitated on the shot – afraid to shoot Annie by mistake. Tommy blew at her, accusing her of letting Annie die on purpose so she could have Joel to herself, Maria attempting to calm him down. Tess swore up and down it was an honest mistake. It was quite a sight.

When Joel had placed Annie in the grave, Tommy and Maria paid their respect, but when Tess attempted to do the same, Joel held her back, and asked her if she did it on purpose.

“I swear on my life Joel. No. I didn’t,” she said.

Tess squatted by the grave, and quietly said something to Annie. When she stood up, Joel looked at Annie’s beautiful face one last time, covered it with his jacket, and buried her. He placed some river rocks on her grave and left. No one said anything to him, and that was how it was all the way to Jackson.

When the gates opened, Ellie was there waiting for Joel, an eager look on her face, wondering if he had talked to Annie yet. When Annie was nowhere to be seen, she clocked the somber looks on everyone’s faces, and started panicking. She kept asking Joel where she was. Joel didn’t answer. He didn’t even stop. He kept walking. Tess and Maria held Ellie and before long she was screaming at Joel, telling him this was all his fault. He’s the reason she was dead. Tommy pulled her to him, and she crumbled, screaming that she didn’t get to say goodbye, and it was all Joel’s fault. She screamed that he was a coward, a cruel, heartless bastard for what he did to Annie.

Tess stood there, taking all this in. She had no idea this was all going on, and that these three were in the know about Joel’s relationship with Annie. Suddenly the gravity of her arrival made sense to her, and she felt like someone who was thrown into the deep end of a pool she didn’t even know existed. She ran to the house she had shared with Joel and Ellie, but Joel was not there.

She must have worn it every night since he left. His scent completely gone from it, replaced by the sweet ones of hers that he missed so much. For the first time since Sarah, Joel wailed. The amount of regret he felt was unbearable. He would do anything, give anything to take it all back, to turn back time to their happy days together. He would never have let go had he known the amount of pain he would be in. He laid on her bed, surrounded himself with her, and sobbed himself to sleep.

Joel did not go home. Instead, he kept walking, until he was faced with the little cottage he hadn’t visited since Tess’s arrival. Annie had started a small garden. Flowers and herbs everywhere, making the cottage look idyllic, fairy-tale-like. He walked in and was immediately greeted by her scent. The cottage looked different, little touches of Annie that he was familiar with, and yet had not seen. He saw a glimpse of Annie’s solitary activities, done to fill her time in his absence. A handwoven rug here, a new painting there. Some new pottery decorated the shelves, a couple still drying by the windowsill, and a half-made scarf on her favorite armchair. He went into her bedroom. His heart sank at the sight of his flannel on her pillow. He had left it there the morning after he stayed over that day. He picked it up and brought it to his face.

It smelled of her.

Weeks passed. Joel hadn’t returned home. No one had seen him around Jackson. Tommy, Maria and Ellie took turns sending him food at Annie’s cottage, which remained clean and well-maintained. Joel had not sat idle. He was determined to keep her memory alive, at least for himself. But he still had not spoken to anyone. They tried, oh how they tried to talk to him, but he moved about his activities as if they were not there. Tess had tried to visit, but every time she approached, Joel went into the house and slammed the door.

At his house, Ellie had been avoiding Tess at all costs. Tommy told her what happened, and she very openly blamed Tess for Annie’s death. Neither her nor Tommy was speaking to Tess, and the rest of the town, well, the fire of gossip made it worse. She was the scorned woman who got dumped by Joel Miller and made sure he didn’t have the woman he loved to go running back to, not that they were brave enough to say that to her face. As much as they town loved to talk, Tess was still a formidable woman, and no one dared cross her. Maria, it seemed, was the only friend Tess had left, telling her to give them all some time.

It all came to a head one day when Tess tried again to speak to Joel. Tommy, Maria and Ellie were there, helping Joel tend to the small garden of herbs Annie had planted. Tommy and Ellie began yelling at her to go away. And that was when Tess lost it.

“You know, until the day she died, I wasn’t even aware of this whole drama. She was just the nice lady who worked at the library and warehouse to me. No one told me. And now she’s gone it’s all my fault?” she said, eerily calm for someone who had lost her patience.

“It is not my fault you agreed to give us a try, Joel. It’s not my fault that you were too cowardly to tell me the truth, and too fickle and fucking undecisive to follow your own heart. And you two, Tommy, Ellie. It is not my fault that you two decided to ignore her during those times. And you know what? It is not Joel’s fault either. Both of you could’ve just remained friends with her and kept her company. Heck, Maria did. And yet, you two CHOSE not to, because it would make YOU uncomfortable. And now that she’s gone and you feel guilty for treating her like shit, you want to blame ME??? Blame Joel???” she continued, her voice raised slightly.

“I am done being quiet about this. I am sorry I hesitated to take the shot, because I couldn’t bear to think that I might have killed the love of Joel Miller’s life. I replay that scene in my head all the time. Would I have done anything different knowing what I know now? Maybe. But can I do anything about it? No!!! do I feel guilty that she died as a direct result of my hesitance? Yes. I do. Okay? I lay awake at night wishing I could take it back, but I can’t. So, I have to accept that I will live with this guilt every single day of my life, but guess what? I will live with that because I own up to my mistakes. You know why? Because I am an adult. So, I am done being held accountable for what you three CHOSE to do to spare yourselves some discomfort. Take responsibility for your own actions damn it. Grow up!”

With that, Tess took a very deep breath, and very calmly turned around, and walked off. Joel walked into the cottage and shut the door. Tommy and Ellie looked as if they had been slapped across the face. They slowly put down the tools they were using and walked home.

That night, Joel had another nightmare. Annie and Sarah were sitting in that same fenced yard, having delicate sandwiches and tea, laughing and chatting freely. Their faces were so light, so calm, so happy. Joel longed to join them but couldn’t. Each time he got over a fence, another one appeared, and no matter how much he yelled at them to let them know he was there, they couldn’t hear him. He was on the outside looking in on the two people he had loved the most. The two people he had lost and grieved for. He woke up sweating, feeling their loss all over again, his heart heavy with guilt and remorse.

As the weeks went by, Tommy and Ellie kept up with their routine of visiting Joel. Both muttered their apologies to him for blaming him for their silence towards Annie. Joel didn’t respond. Tess hadn’t attempted to visit again, giving Joel some space, but Maria told Joel that Tommy and Ellie had started communicating with her again, albeit awkwardly.

One day, just as Joel shut the door behind him after a day of cleaning the yard and chopping some wood, a gentle knock on the door came. He didn’t answer, but he heard someone settle against the door. Tess’s voice came through.

“Joel, I accept if you never want to speak to me again, if you see me as the reason for your treatment of her. There is nothing I can do about that. I need you to know that I did not mean for her to go. Joel, I have always known you don’t feel the way I do. I cannot force you to love me. I just wish you would’ve told me about her. I would’ve understood. And now…” she trailed off.

“Maria told me of the old farmhouse at the end of the Jackson perimeter. I just came here to tell you that I am moving there today. I think that’s better for me, you know? The town seems friendlier now, but I feel like this is for the best. But if you ever need a friend to talk to… Even if we don’t work as a couple Joel, I will always care about you, and I hope you feel the same for me at least.”

“Joel, I know what it feels like to kill the love of your life. When my husband and son turned… I had to… so I know… you know this. Don’t let this be the reason you stop living Joel. The guilt will never go away, but if you try, perhaps one day it won’t consume you the way it does now. She’s gone. Sarah’s gone. But you are still here. Find your purpose Joel. Ellie needs you. Tommy needs you. The town needs you. So, heal Joel. And when you are even a little bit better than you are right now, join the world again. I didn’t know her apart from the small exchanges here and there, but from what I’ve been told, she seemed like a sweet person. She wouldn’t want you to live like this, I’m sure of it. Because she loved you. And you don’t want to see the people you love sad forever, Joel. Just… think about it. I’m so sorry things didn’t turn out better. But, if you need an old friend, you know where to find me.”

With a small grunt, Tess got up and left, her backpack on her shoulders.

After she left, Joel resigned himself to the fact that he would never again be as happy as he was, that his sleep would forever be plagued with Annie’s happy face that would never acknowledge him again. That his heart would never be full again. That he would be punishing himself for his cowardice forever. He knew that. Joel had made his bed in the most fucked up, cowardly, selfish and emotionless way. There was nothing for him to do, except lie in it.

So, Joel lived alone, with his own thoughts, living but dead inside, forever mourning for his love. And that’s the way it went for Joel Miller.

***

In the small town of Jackson, there was an abandoned house, a once idyllic, fairy-tale-looking cottage at the end of the row of houses. Rumor had it, a grumpy, moody and gruff old man called Joel Miller lived his last years there, mourning the life he let slip through his fingers. Every day, Joel Miller would tend to his garden, go out on patrol, go tend to people’s houses when they need fixing, and go back to this cottage to spend the rest of his evenings sitting on his porch. Sometimes, his brother Tommy and daughter Ellie would come join him, their children in tow. Although Joel spared smiles for his nephew and grandson, the rest of the town never saw him smile. Ladies offered themselves to him, only to be rebuffed. They said that he broke a lady’s heart once, and she died before he could confess his true feelings for her.

#joel miller #the last of us fanfiction #tlou fanfiction #joel miller x reader #joel miller fanfiction

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kaissauce · 2 years ago

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with every “kirby kills gods at any minor inconvenience” “kirby is a ruthless killer” “kirby is literally a god” “kirby is a complete unaware infant” joke, i write a word to my fic. that’s how i’ve been able to write so much

#so little people give kirby character it’s so waaaaugh #sure there’s not THAT much to go off of from the media we have of him alone but there’s plenty tk expand upon #he’s kind and cares a lot about his friends and would do anything to keep them safe #but he’s also impulsive and acts on instinct rather than stopping to talk #and he’s like that because he has a strong moral code. he doesn’t appreciate it when someone forcefully takes something #or when his home is in danger #and he helps strangers in need of help but it doesn’t make him naive because he will fight back if he’s been wronged #he’s smart and knowledgeable about tech. able to make a spaceship and hack robots do all these puzzles #even in the novels kirby has character. sure he mostly thinks about food but his friends are still prioritized above that #hell even in the anime there’s some stuff to kirby despite the fact he IS a baby #people just don’t really treat him like a character #he can feel other emotions other than happiness. he doesn’t always perpetually smile #can you see why kirby’s written the way he is in my fics?#of course he’s still a young silly goofball #but my writing is meant to reflect what else there is to kirby because there’s hardly stuff about it

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twifairy · 2 months ago

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Brainrotting over my Sumire Asogi hcs

#tgaa2 spoilers #maybe she and Lillian will get tags on here if people wanna know shit #sumire and her weirdo relationship with genshin that exists only in my brain and is extrapolated from complete bullshit #was talking w my server about how like we arent really given any personality traits for her #but being The Woman Who Married Genshin Asogi is a kind of crazy one #the fic im working on that centers her is based around the fact that her husband's friends will not tell her what happened in London #and Genshin's wife is gonna be the kind of woman who can figure shit out #like. I hc the Asogis as couple that isn't really in love so much as stuck with each other?#but something still had to draw these two people to each other in some way #also i like giving her a lot of Kazuma's snark #like Genshin has a lot of the blunt/deadpan humor and straight up insulting you/just saying BIZARRE shit #but mom is the source of some of the sarcasm #im yAPPING about this woman who doesnt EXIST

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irregularbillcipher · 1 year ago

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going over old fic notes and outlines and character talks with friends and it's always really funny when i get to the stuff i was developing early-mid 2019 where bill just literally kept kryptos around to rag on, and he genuinely just. did not like the man. like was just completely annoyed with his general existence. boy have things changed

#for anyone curious: i came to the conclusion that no amount of 'this guy sucks but he's fun to bully' would get bill to keep someone around #for like literal eons. bill gets bored of his toys too quickly. he'd break 'em. plus the fact that bill decided he was worth saving to begi #with. there was at first an element of 'i owe the guy' because [FIC SPOILERS] and a grudging 'if i had a gun to my head i'd say he was my #best friend i GUESS but do not tell him that' but no real genuine friendship or anything more #before realizing that with the specific story i was going to tell it just made the most sense to have these assholes still be like.#bad people for sure but to actually care about each other. it also just felt too easy to write bill off as someone whose cruelty is just #a lack of certain emotions. like that doesn't automatically make a bad person and a bad person doesn't automatically lack emotion #(there's a character that'll be introduced sometime soon who is aroace and doesn't make friends easily and she's lovely because...)#(idk man. i'm aroace and why shouldn't she be. a lack of affection doesn't make you bad and the ability to feel it doens't make you good)#so bill can and does love people-- even if actual vulnerability is near impossible to get from him-- and kryptos is included in that #it's just that he still sucks really bad and hurts and even kills people that he loves because again. bad person who has no idea how to #navigate relationships healthily because of his own baggage and the environment he grew up in #(also in canon he usually does not want to navigate relationships healthily because. again. he sucks!)#so the only lasting relationship he's ever had where he isn't trying to hurt someone is still just... messy as hell #(and to be fair kryptos is also a p. bad person by adulthood it's just that they're pretty young at this point in the fic)#(so there's less avenues to show that)#kryptos being desperate for any scrap of attention and bill providing the only attention he's ever gotten was always the vibe #but it really was much more of a 'bully and bulling victim who he lets hang around him because said victim'#'is like the only one willing to talk to him' dynamic which is... very much not the case anymore #as said in the tags of my fic. these awful shapes care about each other as best they can care about anyone #anyway sorry idk how much anyone really cares about these tag essays but theyre helpful for me to get my thought process like... down #and track how different the story used to be

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allylikethecat · 10 months ago

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my friend who I met online bc she writes 1975 fanfic (who made me start writing, too) flew across an ocean to hang with irl for two weeks, and we just both pulled out our phones and read the new ducklings chapter sat next to each other in rapt silence

Oh my gosh what 🥺 first off, the fact that you and your friend met via 1975 fanfic, and get to spend two weeks together IN PERSON is so amazing and makes me so happy for yall! This fandom is so amazing and the connections formed are just so wonderful and special 🥰 I hope y'all have the best visit together (and if y'all ever wanna send some of your fics my way I'm always looking for new 75 fic to read, unless I've already read it in which case thank you for posting it!! I'm sure I loved it) BUT ALSO y'all are in person together hanging out and taking the time to both read Ducklings?! oh my gosh I can't that is so sweet, thank you so very much! I hope that you both enjoyed the new chapter! I am so grateful for you reading and also sending in this ask! I hope you are having a wonderful time together and a great rest of the week! Thank you!!

❤️Ally

#allylikethecat #ask ally #anon ask #fanfiction #keep it kind #matty fic #gatty #Make Way for Ducklings #mpreg #it just the fact that people are like talking to their friends about my fic?! blows my mind #thank you so very much #and thank you for reading!#i hope you have the best time during your visit!!#pass this along to your friend too please!!#i am also very thankful for them reading!!

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dimiclaudeblaigan · 2 years ago

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platonic relationship things to consider: family/found family.

ready go.

#DCB Comments #bc like I love my OTPs yes yes I do but I also love familial relationships #in fact I've always loved the idea of Dimi and Felix bring like adoptive brothers kinda #bc Lambert and Rodrigue were Extra Close and then it could make them a lil family #but then you get to add Glenn and Ingrid in if you do that #and since Roddy and Lamby were close friends with Matthias then you stick him in #and that sticks in Sylvain and Miklan too #and oh look you have a whole family of people both with some romance in there and some platonic love #bc listen I stick my platonic Sylvain and Dimi friendship in a LOT of my dmcl fics #basically Dimi and Claude are all uwu in luvvies cuddle cuddle smoochies #but Sylvain is also like the local Dimi caretaker and if Dimi needs anything he'll be like nyoom right over #to me Sylvain and Dimi have one of the best and strongest platonic relationships in the whole game #so I love sticking it into my ship fics bc Dimi doesn't just have his romance going for him #but also his love for Sylvain and Sylvain's love for him as best friends #like sure Claude would never let anything happen to Dimi but that doesn't mean Sylvain would do anything less for Dimi #I basically have this headcanon that when Felix and Dimi grew apart as they got older that Sylvain became Dimi's best friend over time #mainly based on the facts within the games that we get between Sylvain and Dimi's interactions #but also I love Rodrigue and Dimi's relationship too! I LOVE the way they see each other as father and son #I LOVE when Rodrigue tells Dimi stories about Lambert and talks to him like a father who is proud to tell his kid some stories #and I love the idea of Sylvain and Miklan making up and just... awkwardly trying to be brothers again in AG/GW #or even AUs for Houses where Miklan survives and Sylvain tries to fix things bc he sees how much like say #Felix loves/loved his own older brother and Sylvain is sad with all these ppl around him with siblings who are close #and Sylvain is like man I want that too :/ and he wonders if he appeals hard enough to Miklan that Miklan will kinda open his eyes?#and maybe even grow out of his hatred for his situation bc depending on how Sylvain acts around him #Miklan might start to realize his hatred is misplaced and he was the one in the wrong and maybe even feel a bit bad about it #if Sylvain took the first steps I think Miklan could follow even if it's rocky and difficult at first #platonic relationships are GOOD and even for me irl I value my best friend more than having a romance in my life #I don't date and I was never the type to do so bc I don't pursue nor care about romance #I love my ships in fiction but irl forget it. I don't need nor want romance. I'm a hopeless romantic for fiction only lol #but I loooOOOOVE my family stuff and distant families becoming closer

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hua-fei-hua · 2 years ago

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as soon as it's summer and i'm medicated again i NEED to write a series of essays covering my experiences switching from the broader social sphere of fandom which predominantly ships m/f ships to the social sphere of fandom which predominantly ships m/m, because i feel like a lot of what we say about the other social sphere is simultaneously true and false at the same time, and i've literally never seen anyone talk about it ever

#the m/m shipping sphere is different from the f/f shipping sphere but both are honestly like lowkey disdained by the m/f sphere #well okay the f/f sphere is lowkey disdained while the m/m sphere is like highkey disdained #but at the same time It Is True that the m/f shippers can get pretty bullied by people pushing their m/m ships!!!!#so it's like a historical beef; esp when considering the fact that a lot of the times our tastes in ships can be pretty informed #by the ships our friends/fan community members are getting into in regards to new canons #i wouldn't be surprised if it was common for some nebulous hypothetical concept of an m/m shipper to be like #'oh yeah in this us v. them argument the 'us' is ofc us gay people [m/m and f/f shippers together]'#but i do think it is worth drawing a distinction btwn the m/m shipping spheres n the f/f shipping spheres #many m/m shippers like f/f ships passively; i don't see a lot of f/f shippers get super actively engaged in m/m pairs even on the side #as a result their results on ao3 feel more likely to have a significant % of genuine slush #like in my experience looking through m/m ship tags it's full of slush (referring to fic that's just not to my tastes or poorly written)#but for the most part if a ship is tagged it at least plays a role or shows up in a fic #but if i'm looking for a f/f ship on ao3 god fucking heaven help me; i have to filter so hard it cuts out >50% of the results #and when looking for m/f ships back in the day it was usually shit like 'one-sided' or 'past' or just incredibly minor passing mentions #like complain all you want abt having to go through a massive slush pile of an ao3 tag listing for an m/m ship #but at least we don't have to literally just come together as a community to make an ao3 collection #just to have a repository of fics that are just ABOUT the pairing tagged w/o being forced to grovel through slush like that #like not even 'these are the best fics for this pairing' just 'these are the fics for this pairing'#also. my hot take. is that a lot of the times people who ship *exclusively* m/f ships Are being kinda homophobic to the m/m shippers #like at the very least the way they talk abt the ships or argue with the shippers sounds like it draws on homophobic rhetoric #like the m/f shippers themselves are not necessarily homophobic people. but. like. it's nuanced. there are trends. i have many thoughts #(meanwhile the gen social sphere exists beyond most of my own experiences but god do i feel bad for them when searching through ao3)#also like. this should go w/o saying. but i'm not trying to categorize individual people into 'belonging' to any one specific sphere #but we as people just generally have our fave spots to hang out n those spots have distinctive traits n flavors #n while we're in there commonalities in the people chilling there start to emerge #if we go to a different spot bc we like being there then different things will be had in common #we're looking at strength of overlap here; not individuals #花話 #anyway obviously i have many many thoughts on this subject. this is bc it fascinates me greatly bc i don't see it talked abt #bc for the most part you don't really see people into m/m who used to really like m/f ships the way i did

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microwaving-tesilid-argente · 7 months ago

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#girl i have so many teshes thoughts its INSANE #me starting with haha actually this ship has no basis i just want to Put Tesilid Through It #but over the past few months of brainrotting their dynamic is now like.#what if we were doomed from the start and there was never anything either of us could do to save the other #(not even talking about the regression but rather the stigma bearer thing and how they have no social power)#(but also the regression thing)#what if we loved each other throughout all the lifetimes but there could never be a happy ending. tragedy dogs our footsteps #what if we were 'guy who has a good head on his shoulders and recognises our low social positions and looks out for his friends in similar #predicaments' x 'guy who is way too giving and this is bad bc the world is out to get him and he loves ppl too much to care about #the danger to himself'#what if we were 'guy who is way too giving' x 'guy who wants to protect him but Cant'#doomed ships.....#swings hestio around i like you SO much. i need to put you under a microscope and in a fish tank #(statements that should not ever be viewed by people outside of tumblr)#some of my fic outlines has notes that are like 'wow if they had the transmigrators privilege this wouldnt even have been a problem'#and im suddenly very appreciative of canon #god bless canon tesilid may you be happy. not my fanfic tesilid though im making him miserable #anyway. the more i think about it the more interesting hestio's internal conflict could be #it's about being so acutely aware of how shit their lives already are that he knows having a r/s that is frowned upon would just #make things worse #also i am very much hooked by the fact that like. nowadays i keep seeing ship posts about 'killing myself in front of you to change the #trajectory of your life forever'#for teshes its the opposite. hestio is desperately trying to make sure tesilid doesnt off himself #and also its not hestio dying that changes the trajectory of tesilid's life forever it's hestio confessing #and somehow this inflicts more pain on tesilid in the long run #which is extremely funny bc for all the notes that ive written abt teshes hestio has only confessed like umm. checks notes. 3 times #1. drunk (tesilid is not in the room) 2. the world is ending #like if hestio had managed to take this to the grave like he had originally planned then this could have been avoided #but the tragedy is that tesilid lives thru this multiple times so at least ONE time hestio's going to blab and that forever changes things #crying in fic writing being stupidly hard

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smol-tired-binch-blog · 7 months ago

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Reading 'x reader' fic whilst picturing my proxy OC is so funny. "He towered over you" no he didn't

#cause fuck off he's 6 foot. Absolutely not. Nishiki #then gets to be a respectable but notably shorter 5' 8 #smol speaks #nishifelix #Yes it's going in their tag cause it's about them lmao. I cant find an official height on a wiki BUT since Kiryu is apparently #6' 0“ (like hell he is lmao) people put Nishiki at 5' 11” (kinda hilarious to me) BUT with this in mind Felix is 6' 1“#And even then when I PERSONALLY write/talk/think about them I've decide Kiryu is 5' 10. Either way my twink is taller than him lmao #Tbh I use him in x reader fics cause I struggle to imagine myself but we are then met with another fun thing of how many Readers are simila #to me but also not at all. Like yeah I'm shy as hell. No I could not play it cool around him lmao. I'd be as bad as anyone else just fawnin #over him tripping over my own words and feet to talk to him I Ain't Special. But yknow what else is funny?#Felix's deal is he is NOT shy if he wants to fuck you you will know about it. I just need to write them gndngdngdndg but idk howwwwww #just know these two fuck a LOT but they're also friends and also deeply in love with each other #and yet apparently because neither of them has said those Exact Words they somehow haven't picked up on this fact the IDIOTS

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caelum-in-the-avatarverse · 6 months ago

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Fandom can do a little gatekeeping. As a treat.

So I finally decided to archive-lock my fics on AO3 last night. I’ve been considering it since the AI scrape last year, but the tipping point was this whole lore.fm debacle, coupled with some thoughts I’ve been thinking regarding Fandom These Days in general and Fandom As A Community in particular. So I wanna explain why I waited so long, why I locked my stuff up now, and why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a-okay with making it harder for people to see my stories.

Lurkers really are great, tho

I’m a chronic lurker, and have been since I started hanging out on the internet as a teen in the 00s. These days it’s just cuz I don’t feel a need to socialize very often, but back then it was because I was shy and knew I was socially awkward. Even if I made an account, I’d spend months lurking on message boards or forums or Livejournals, watching other people interact and getting a feel for that particular community’s culture and etiquette before I finally started interacting myself. And y’know, that approach saved me a lot of embarrassment. Over the course of my lurking on any site, there was always some other person who’d clearly joined up five minutes after learning the place existed, barged in without a care for their behavior, and committed so many social faux pas that all the other users were immediately annoyed with them at best. I learned a lot observing those incidents. Lurk More is Rule 33 of the internet for very good reason.

Lurking isn’t bad or weird or creepy. It’s perfectly normal. I love lurking. It’s hard for me to not lurk - socializing takes a lot of energy out of me, even via text. (Heck it took 12 hours for me to write this post, I wish I was kidding--) Occasionally I’ll manage longer bouts of interaction - a few weeks posting here, almost a year chatting in a discord there - but I’m always gonna end up going radio silent for months at some point. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve long since made peace with the fact that it’s just the way my brain works. I’m a chronic lurker, and in the long term nothing is going to change that.

The thing with being a chronic lurker is that you have to accept that you are not actually seen as part of the community you are lurking in. That’s not to say that lurkers are unimportant - lurkers actually are important, and they make up a large proportion of any online community - but it’s simple cause and effect. You may think of it as “your community”, but if you’ve never said a word, how is the community supposed to know you exist? If I lurked on someone’s LJ, and then that person suddenly friendslocked their blog, I knew that I had two choices: Either accept that I would never be able to read their posts again, or reach out to them and ask if I could be added to their friends list with the full understanding that I was a rando they might not decide to trust. I usually went with the first option, because my invisibility as a lurker was more important to me than talking to strangers on the internet.

Lurking is like sitting on a park bench, quietly people-watching and eavesdropping on the conversations other people are having around you. You’re in the park, but you’re not actively participating in anything happening there. You can see and hear things that you become very interested in! But if you don’t introduce yourself and become part of the conversation, you won’t be able to keep listening to it when those people walk away. When fandom migrated away from Livejournal, people moved to new platforms alongside their friends, but lurkers were often left behind. No one knew they existed, so they weren’t told where everyone else was going. To be seen as part of a fandom community, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc. etc.

There’s nothing wrong with lurking. There can actually be benefits to lurking, both for the lurkers and the communities they lurk in. It’s just another way to be in a fandom. But if that is how you exist in fandom--and remember, I say this as someone who often does exist that way in fandom--you need to remember that you’re on the outside looking in, and the curtains can always close.

I’ve always been super sympathetic to lurkers, because I am one. I know there’s a lot of people like me who just don’t socialize often. I know there’s plenty of reasons why someone might not make an account on the internet - maybe they’re nervous, maybe they’re young and their parents don’t allow them to, maybe they’re in a bad situation where someone is monitoring their activity, maybe they can only access the internet from public computer terminals. Heck, I’ve never even logged into AO3 on my phone--if I’m away from my computer I just read what’s publicly available.

I know I have people lurking on my fics. I know my fics probably mean a lot to someone I don’t even know exists. I know this because there are plenty of fics I love whose writers don’t know I exist.

I love my commenters personally; I love my lurkers as an abstract concept. I know they’re there and I wish them well, and if they ever de-lurk I love them all the more.

So up until last year I never considered archive-locking my fic, because I get it. The AI scraping was upsetting, but I still hesitated because I was thinking of lurkers and guests and remembering what it felt like to be 15 and wondering if it’d be worth letting a stranger on the internet know I existed and asking to be added to their friends list just so I could reread a funny post they made once.

But the internet has changed a lot since the 00s, and fandom has changed with it. I’ve read some things and been doing some thinking about fandom-as-community over the last few years, and reading through the lore.fm drama made me decide that it’s time for me to set some boundaries.

I still love my lurkers, and I feel bad about leaving any guest commenters behind, especially if they’re in a situation where they can’t make an account for some reason. But from here on out, even my lurkers are going to have to do the bare minimum to read my fics--make an AO3 account.

Should we gatekeep fandom?

I’ve seen a few people ask this question, usually rhetorically, sometimes as a joke, always with a bit of seriousness. And I think…yeah, maybe we should. Except wait, no, not like that--

A decade ago, when people talked about fandom gatekeeping and why it was bad to do, it intersected with a lot of other things, mainly feminism and classism. The prevalent image of fandom gatekeeping was, like, a man learning that a woman likes Star Wars and haughtily demanding, “Oh, yeah? Well if you’re REALLY a fan, name ten EU novels” to belittle and dismiss her, expecting that a “real fan” would have the money and time to be familiar with the EU, and ignoring the fact that male movie-only fans were still considered fans. The thing being gatekept was the very definition of “being a fan” and people’s right to describe themselves as one.

That’s not what I mean when I say maybe fandom should gatekeep more. Anyone can call themselves a fan if they like something, that’s fine. But when it comes to the ability to enjoy the fanworks produced by the fandom community…that might be something worth gatekeeping.

See, back in the 00s, it was perfectly common for people to just…not go on the internet. Surfing the web was a thing, but it was just, like, a fun pastime. Not everyone did it. It wasn’t until the rise of social media that going online became a thing everyone and their grandmother did every day. Back then, going on the internet was just…a hobby.

So one of the first gates online fandom ever had was the simple fact that the entire world wasn’t here yet.

The entire world is here now. That gate has been demolished.

And it’s a lot easier to find us now. Even scattered across platforms, fandom is so centralized these days. It isn’t a network of dedicated webshrines and forums that you can only find via webrings anymore, it’s right there on all the big social media sites. AO3 didn’t set out to be the main fanfic website, but that’s definitely what it’s become. It’s easy for people to find us--and that includes people who don’t care about the community, and just want “content.”

Transformative fandom doesn’t like it when people see our fanworks as “content”. “Content” is a pretty broad term, but when fandom uses it we’re usually referring to creative works that are churned out by content creators to be consumed by an audience as quickly as possible as often as possible so that the content creator can generate revenue. This not-so-new normal has caused a massive shift in how people who are new to fandom view fanworks--instead of seeing fic or art as something a fellow fan made and shared with you, they see fanworks as products to be consumed.

Transformative fandom has, in general, always been a gift economy. We put time and effort into creating fanworks that we share with our fellow fans for free. We do this so we don’t get sued, but fandom as a whole actually gets a lot out of the gift economy. Offer your community a story, and in return you can get comments, build friendships, or inspire other people to write things that you might want to read. Readers are given the gift of free stories to read and enjoy, and while lurking is fine, they have the choice to engage with the writer and other readers by leaving comments or making reclists to help build the community.

And look, don’t get me wrong. People have never engaged with fanfic as much as fan writers wish they would. There has always been “no one comments anymore” wank. There have always been people who only comment to say “MORE!” or otherwise demand or guilt trip writers into posting the next chapter. But fandom has always agreed that those commenters are rude and annoying, and as those commenters navigate fandom they have the chance to learn proper community etiquette.

However, now it seems that a lot of the people who are consuming fanworks aren’t actually in the community.

I won’t say “they aren’t real fans” because that’s silly; there’s lots of ways to be a fan. But there seem to be a lot of fans now who have no interest in fandom as a community, or in adhering to community etiquette, or in respecting the gift economy. They consume our fics, but they don’t appreciate fan labor. They want our “content”, but they don’t respect our control over our creations.

And even worse--they see us as a resource. We share our work for free, as a gift, but all they see is an open-source content farm waiting to be tapped into. We shared it for free, so clearly they can do whatever they want with it. Why should we care if they feed our work into AI training datasets, or copy/paste our unfinished stories into ChatGPT to get an ending, or charge people for an unnecessary third-party AO3 app, or sell fanbindings on etsy for a profit without the author’s permission, or turn our stories into poor imitations of podfics to be posted on other platforms without giving us credit or asking our consent, while also using it to lure in people they can datascrape for their Forbes 30 Under 30 company?

And sure, people have been doing shady things with other people’s fanworks since forever. Art theft and reposting has always been a big problem. Fanfic is harder to flat-out repost, but I’ve heard of unauthorized fic translations getting posted without crediting the original author. Once in…I think the 2010s? I read a post by a woman who had gone to some sort of local bookselling event, only to find that the man selling “his” novel had actually self-published her fanfic. (Wish I could find that one again, I don’t even remember where I read it.)

But aside from that third example, the thing is…as awful as fanart/writing theft is, back in the day, the main thing a thief would gain from it was clout. Clout that should rightfully go to the creators who gifted their work in the first place, yeah, but still. Just clout. People will do a lot of hurtful things for clout, but fandom clout means nothing outside of fandom. Fandom clout is not enough to incentivize the sort of wide-scale pillaging we’re seeing from community outsiders today.

Money, on the other hand… Well, fandom’s just a giant, untapped content farm, isn’t it? Think of how much revenue all that content could generate.

Lurkers are a normal and even beneficial part of any online community. Maybe one day they’ll de-lurk and easily slide into place beside their fellow fans because they already know the etiquette. Maybe they’re active in another community, and they can spread information from the community they lurk in to the community they’re active in. At the very least, they silently observe, and even if they’re not active community members, they understand the community.

Fans who see fanworks as “content” don’t belong in the same category as lurkers. They’re tourists.

While reading through the initial Reddit thread on the lore.fm situation, I found this comment:

[ID: Reddit User Cabbitowo says: ... So in anime fandoms we have a word called tourist and essentially it means a fan of a few anime and doesn't care about anime tropes and actively criticizes them. This is kind of how fandoms on tiktok feel. They're touring fanfics and fanart and actively criticizes tropes that have been in the fandom since the 60s. They want to be in a fandom but they don't want to engage in fandom

OP totallymandy responds: Just entered back into Reddit after a long day to see this most recent reply. And as a fellow anime fan this making me laugh so much since it’s true! But it sorta hurts too when the reality sets in. Modern fandom is so entitled and bratty and you’d think it’s the minors only but that’s not even true, my age-mates and older seem to be like that. They want to eat their cake and complain all whilst bringing nothing to the potluck… :/ END ID]

“Tourist” is an apt name for this sort of fan. They don’t want to be part of our community, and they don’t have to be in order to come into our spaces and consume our work. Even if they don’t steal our work themselves, they feel so entitled to it that they’re fine with ignoring our wishes and letting other people take it to make AI “podfics” for them to listen to (there are a lot of comments on lore.fm’s shutdown announcement video from people telling them to just ignore the writers and do it anyway). They’ll use AI to generate an ending to an unfinished fic because they don’t care about seeing “the ending this writer would have given to the story they were telling”, they just want “an ending”. For these tourist fans, the ends justify the means, and their end goal is content for them to consume, with no care for the community that created it for them in the first place.

I don’t think this is confined to a specific age group. This isn’t “13-year-olds on Wattpad” or “Zoomers on TikTok” or whatever pointless generation war we’re in now. This is coming from people who are new to fandom, whose main experience with creative works on the internet is this new content culture and who don’t understand fandom as a community. That description can be true of someone from any age group.

It’s so easy to find fandom these days. It is, in fact, too easy. Newcomers face no hurdles or challenges that would encourage them to lurk and observe a bit before engaging, and it’s easy for people who would otherwise move on and leave us alone to start making trouble. From tourist fans to content entrepreneurs to random people who just want to gawk, it’s so easy for people who don’t care about the fandom community to reap all of its fruits.

So when I say maybe fandom should start gatekeeping a bit, I’m referring to the fact that we barely even have a gate anymore. Everyone is on the internet now; the entire world can find us, and they don’t need to bother learning community etiquette when they do. Before, we were protected by the fact that fandom was considered weird and most people didn’t look at it twice. Now, fandom is pretty mainstream. People who never would’ve bothered with it before are now comfortable strolling in like they own the place. They have no regard for the fandom community, they don’t understand it, and they don’t want to. They want to treat it just like the rest of the content they consume online.

And then they’re surprised when those of us who understand fandom culture get upset. Fanworks have existed far longer than the algorithmic internet’s content. Fanworks existed long before the internet. We’ve lived like this for ages and we like it.

So if someone can’t be bothered to respect fandom as a community, I don’t see why I should give them easy access to my fics.

Think of it like a garden gate

When I interact with commenters on my fic, I have this sense of hospitality.

The comment section is my front porch. The fic is my garden. I created my garden because I really wanted to, and I’m proud of it, and I’m happy to share it with other people.

Lots of people enjoy looking at my garden. Many walk through without saying anything. Some stop to leave kudos. Some recommend my garden to their friends. And some people take the time to stop by my front porch and let me know what a beautiful garden it is and how much they’ve enjoyed it.

Any fic writer can tell you that getting comments is an incredible feeling. I always try to answer all my comments. I don’t always manage it, but my fics’ comment sections are the one place that I manage to consistently socialize in fandom. When I respond to a comment, it feels like I’m pouring out a glass of lemonade to share with this lovely commenter on my front porch, a thank you for their thank you. We take a moment to admire my garden together, and then I see them out. The next time they drop by, I recognize them and am happy to pour another glass of lemonade.

My garden has always been open and easy to access. No fences, no walls. You just have to know where to find it. Fandom in general was once protected by its own obscurity, an out-of-the-way town that showed up on maps but was usually ignored.

But now there’s a highway that makes it easy to get to, and we have all these out-of-towner tourists coming in to gawk and steal our lawn ornaments and wonder if they can use the place to make themselves some money.

I don’t care to have those types trampling over my garden and eating all my vegetables and digging up my flowers to repot and sell, so I’ve put up a wall. It has a gate that visitors can get through if they just take the time to open it.

Admittedly, it’s a small obstacle. But when I share my fics, I share them as a gift with my fellow fans, the ones who understand that fandom is a community, even if they’re lurkers. As for tourist fans and entrepreneurs who see fic as content, who have no qualms ignoring the writer’s wishes, who refuse to respect or understand the fandom community…well, they’re not the people I mean to share my fic with, so I have no issues locking them out. If they want access to my stories, they’ll have to do the bare minimum to become a community member and join the AO3 invite queue.

And y’know, I’ve said a lot about fandom and community here, and I just want to say, I hope it’s not intimidating. When I was younger, talk about The Fandom Community made me feel insecure, and I didn’t think I’d ever manage to be active enough in fandom spaces to be counted as A Member Of The Community. But you don’t have to be a social butterfly to participate in fandom. I’ll always and forever be a chronic lurker, I reblog more than I post, I rarely manage to comment on fic, and I go radio silent for months at a time--but I write and post fanfiction. That’s my contribution.

Do you write, draw, vid, gif, or otherwise create? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you leave comments? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you curate reclists? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you maintain a fandom blog or fuckyeah blog? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you provide a space for other fans to convene in? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you regularly send asks (off anon so people know who you are)? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you have fandom friends who you interact with? Congrats, you're a community member.

There’s lots of ways to be a fan. Just make sure to respect and appreciate your fellow fans and the work they put in for you to enjoy and the gift economy fandom culture that keeps this community going.

#ao3 #lore.fm #fanfiction #fandom history #gift economy #caelum rambles

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maiaska · 2 months ago

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“i can’t stop looking at her t-t-t..face”

NASTY DOG!ELLIE x MEAN!POPULAR!READER

Synopsis: you were a popular girl in school, pretty and mean, the whole package of course and ellie? yeah she was head over heels for you.

Authors note: hey guyssss lol, this is my first fic ever but i hope it was okay, feel free to give me critic, (my first language isn’t english so there might be mistakes)

OCTOBER

yeah okay, ellie was nasty…there was no denying it and she knew that very well.

she wasn’t nasty in the form of hygiene and basic human decency but it was more in the desire department. she wanted nothing more than to get her face shoved into a pussy and do everything and anything to please you.

Even her friends took notice, it wasn’t unusual for her best friend dina to call her out numerous times a day, “jesus ellie, quit ogling over her” to which ellie would throw her hands in the air and look at her best friend with an annoyed and pouty look, “im not ogling, she’s just in my eyesight…s’not my fault”. Ellie knew she was totally drooling at the sight of you, her eyes never leaving your beautiful face, and your tempting body…you were just so perfect, so blissfully perfect it even annoyed her a little because the chance of you ever looking in her way, it was laughable, no way in hell could you like her.

Ellie wasn’t unpopular, in fact she had many friends and a great social life, that didn’t exclude the fact that she was hardcore loser but people didn’t really notice that…except you and your friends of course.

It was like you were cut out from a 2000s lame repeating teenage movie, so pretty, so poetic yet so fucking mean.

you were considered one of the prettiest girl in the school, nobody admitted it out loud but everyone knew the power you held along with that. you had many admires, many “suitors”…literally. you were a part of the ever lasting “popular clique”. you and your friends were a higher power in the school, you were of status, of value, of position, or at least that’s what your friendgroup had convinced themselves of.. it didn’t matter though, you and your friends made sure people knew you were better than them.

oh and your favorite thing? making people feel useless, making them squirm under the gaze of your piercing and almost stinging eyes.

ellie hated that.

just like any other kid who hadn’t been brainwashed yet, of course she hated it, getting made fun of or treated like a dog is never pleasant, but the weird thing? she never really did despise you for that. there was something about you that made you so intriguing no matter how much of a bitch you were to others.

in your eyes, you weren’t mean. at least not like your friends who buillied kids for merely looking in their way, and shit talked people while they were present, to make them feel weak. no, you weren’t like that, in fact you could be really sweet and kind, but sometimes the sass and attitude just over-shined that unfortunately..but to ellie’s sake? it made you even more fucking hot, even though you constantly stepped on her. Like a snake with venom, you and your friends would walk past ellie and her friends in the hallway, you would look at her with this nasty look on your face, a complete grimace of utter disbelief and disgust and then you’d scoff, in ellies eyes? you had looked at her, acknowledged her, given her a bit of your attention…and it only made her want to be your lap dog, but unfortunately that’s all the attention ellie had ever gotten from you…mean stares.

dina and her boyfriend jesse would notice the way ellie’s eyes lighted up slightly when you grimaced at her, they both scoffed to them selves, knowing what a complete fool their friend was.

at night after a boring school day, ellie would lie in her bed with her phone dangling from her cold and calloused hand, her eyes focused on the sight of you- from a picture she found on your instagram, your graciously perfect curves and thighs, your eyes that looked like the universe, your glistening skin…oh, ellie was in a dangerous trance. Her other hand working on her puffy pink pussy that so desperately needed to get touched. pumping in and out with her slender fingers, ellie let out soft whimpers and noises, imagining that you were the one who made her feel like this, your rough but gentle fingers making her squirm and moan while you had that powerful smirk on your face, the one you always have when talking to someone below you, a stark contrast to the innocenct smiles you’d offer the teachers and those stupid boys who shamelessly flirted with you, their eyes only focusing on your round curvy tits…that made her furious, she knew she wasn’t exceptionally better than them but she was far more discreet and the difference between her and those men? she wanted to do everything you told her to…meanwhile they just wanted to use her body- in ellie’s eyes you were a goddess, in theirs? another fuckable girl to boost their ego.

She’d imagine you riding her dick and screaming out her name, bouncing up and down on the silicone as you bit your lip, making you feel so fucking good and carefree, while still knowing she’d never be in the position to fuck you, to dominate you, no no no…she’d be too pathetic for that, instead she’d be grinding on your ass, humping her skin on yours as you degrade her with your venomous words, pathetic dog, you wanna fuck me? then earn it..

you would make a fool out of her, make her feel useless just like you did to poor students on a normal school day.…but with ellie? your cruel taunting words wouldnt work on her, she’d only want more of you.

this was all in her imagination anyway but it wouldn’t stop her from cumming into her black boxers for the third time this night, now filled with her juices, only because of you and the irritating grip you had on her mind.

she’d lay back on her bed after her high, tired and touch deprived as her own fingers were never enough, she should feel ashamed, and she sometimes did but truth be told…ellie did not regret it at all, she knew she was nasty, nasty for imagining you, nasty for making you her sex fantasy, nasty for not giving a fuck. but she couldn’t stop herself.

₊˚ *ੈ✩‧₊🍁 *ੈ✩‧₊˚

OCTOBER 28TH

i’m the highlights of october, everyone’s favorite month, a party had been planned like usual from one of the notorious party hosts, everyone was invited, which could only mean one thing...chaos.

After having brainstormed with dina and jesse for about a week, ellie had finally managed to figure out what her costume would be, it would be as simple as a wolf...a quick memory of her and old best friend trying on halloween masks, giggles and shitty puns running through her mind with a smile on her face, yeah- this was perfect.

ironically enough you had choosen to dress up as a cat, with ears, a painted nose and long nails that could snatch any guy or girl you had your eye on whether they wanted you or not, you’d have the power to get them anyways. a fierce kitty cat fitted you perfectly, it was a costume made for you.

Inside the enormous house, music was blasting and pounding, lights flickering all the colors, the smell of alcohol and sweat evidently stuck out. A glance around at all the people in costumes, it was almost the same atmosphere like there would be in a masquerade ball, it was the thrilling idea of putting on a mask for the night, and letting yourself let lose,

this wasn’t a normal party no, this was a chance to be/do/act any way you’d like, and many people had realized that, including ellie. The auburn haired girl had been wanting to talk with you for such a long time but she never had the guts to actually do it, in classes she would always imagine you dropping your pen, then she’d reach out and pick it up for you to take, hands brushing, fate happening, but of course something like that never actually did make it out of her mind.

Her mind had been running wild the day before the party, hell even the week before, the possibility of her longing desires becoming real?…she couldn’t contain herself, the thought of having a chance to talk to you, without the social structures and thick line between popular and not, it was exciting.

Ellie and her friends were sipping beers and passing around a fat joint, Ellie was sitting on the couch, her fair skin filled with freckles like stars, that nobody had ever seen, as she rarely shows her body. her fur glove paws wrapped around the joint and brought it to her lips, she took a long and well deserved hit, weed filling her lungs and system. the familiar feeling was ever so soothing, ellie made a content sigh and leaned back on the couch, her eyes traveling up to the crowd of people standing around and her eyes land on you, she immediately takes notice to your outfit, heat creeping up on her cheeks, a red tint covering her face and one single thought

holy fuck.

the way your dress hugged your body was enough to send ellie into a complete spiral, or the way your face was slightly painted, with your eyes covered in black eyeshadow, making you look like you could manipulate someones mind just by a quick glance.

ellie couldnt tear her eyes away from you, it was impossible when you looked so damn good, she wanted nothing more than for you to look at her, give her attention, give her validation. she wanted nothing else but to be at your feet. Ellie was ready to bite you, like a dog running after a cat, she’d be on your tail…leaping next to you at every step you took. Her gaze secretly lands on your chest, plump tits looking like a snack for her to devour, she wanted her tongue all over you, to lick you up, to feel your honey colored, shiny ski-

“hello?? earth to ellie?” the girl was pulled out of her trance, which might have been good because ellie was suddenly feeling way too hot and lustful, yeah it was the definitely the weed's fault, or so she convinced herself as if she pinning over you yesterday. “fuck- sorry yeah, what were you saying dee?” dina punched her arm and rolled her eyes. “oh my god ellie, were you staring at her again?! you know you can’t get her- just back off already”, dina was a good friend, she and ellie had been best friends since forever, which meant dina had no shame in being blunt and direct, telling ellie the truth that she didnt want to realize. Ellie grumbles and runs a hand over her face, feeling caught, but nevertheless her gaze once again falling back on you and more so- your chest that sat so beautiful in your black dress. “ow?! wha- i know that, you don’t have to point it out..”

dina scoffed at this, as she immediately noticed her dumb friend returning her gaze to you, “jeez ellie, stop looking at her ti-“

“face!” she interrupted quickly and looked at her friend with a slight smirk, the alcohol mixed with the weed running through her veins made her feel slightly more confident. “eugh you're like a nasty dog, and not in a good way” dina rolls her eyes and takes the joint from ellies hand, ellie lets out a cackle at her choice of words, but not denying them..she was definitely a nasty dog when it came to you.

ellie's pinning hadn't flown past your head, nothing did, of course you had noticed, you notice everything..if only ellie knew that, when she was shamelessly staring at you. but enough about that, were you going to do anything about it? absolutely not, many people’s eyes landed in you, if you gave one of them attention, others would just want your attention even more.

you had the upper hand in this and you werent going to do anything…but then why did it annoy you so much that her eyes were on you? usually you didn’t care…but something about ellie made you intrigued, and you fucking hated it.

ellie didn’t know how it happened, her feet had leaped up and were suddenly moving towards you, she couldn’t stop her feet they had a mind of their own right now and it was freaking ellie out

don’t act stupid ellie, fuck you’re dressed as a wolf?! and you except her to wanna talk to you

she stopped behind you, god you were even prettier up close, no ellie stop- act normal- before she could continue her nervous rambling inside her head, you had turned around and looked at her, your eyebrows scrunched with an annoyed look on your face, shit, ellie couldn’t tell if she regretted everything in that moment or if this was worth it as she got the chance to see you up close for once.

“um hi..?, what was your name again?” you glare at her like she was just an annoying bug in your face that you desperately wanted to get rid of. but ellie didn’t care she was too focused on your face. your kitty ears fitted you so well in your smooth messy hair and your painted nose made her want to crumble on the spot. ellie couldn’t tell if she was drooling or not, she might as well have been because of your outstanding beauty, you were like nothing she had seen before. “oh-..uh..i-im ellie”

you laugh in her face, the sound sending a lightning bolt through her body. “well.. ellie, you should’ve dressed up as a stalker to make up for your behavior” you cross your arms and look at her, taking in every inch of her skin, the poor girl felt so nervous and intimidated yet turned on under your hard gaze, “my behavior? what um what do you mean?-i- wasn’t-“

ellies words get caught off as you interrupted her, not having time or energy for her boring lies “i-i-i”..don’t play dumb with me,” you mock her stuttering with a cold tone of voice, clearly trying to use one of your classic mean girl techniques, ellie convinced herself she wasn’t bothered but truth be told she felt a little irritated, she felt herself become a little hurt by your bluntness and mean words, maybe her fondness of you was exactly what it was, just a facade she could see from the distance, ellie’s thoughts stopped as you spoke your next words with a smirk on your face and an innocent voice, “shouldn’t a good puppy like you learn some manners…”

she sucked in her breath, a blush creeping up her pale cheeks. your words were evil, and so not meant in any way but evil, you were trying to make her feel intimidated and it was working…but she couldn’t help but notice the touch of lust in your eyes, or maybe she was just drunk. her body was hot, her gaze finding your face, your evil grin paired with the most innocent, precious eyes she had ever seen, her previous irritation hadn’t faded completely but her temptations were definitely ruling over it. nasty thoughts springing in her mind, too unholy to be present right now, and you knew that.

“i’m a wolf…” she mumbled quietly under her breath, in reality she wanted to respond with a drop to her knees, but that wasn’t realistic yet. “is that barking, i hear coming from you??” you mockingly put up a hand to your ear pretending to listen for barks, looking at her as if she was nothing but a unpropper dog. Your gaze stays steady, challenging her to talk back, but a glint in her eyes shows she's up for the game, and you’re ready, not backing down an inch. ellie couldn’t help her spark of confidence in her next words. “funny, coming from someone dressed like a kitten” ellie licks her lips and speaks with a small smirk, tilting her head slightly, the alcohol for sure made ellie do it, in the real world she’d never have the guts to be playful with you.

You narrowed your eyes at her, not expecting her to say that, a cackle leaves your lips and you cross your arms and study her face. “oh now look who’s getting bold, did the little dog finally learn to bite back? hm?” your expression taunting, your irritation still present but an intriguing look in your eyes had appeared, waiting to see if ellie had the guts to really challenge you or if it was just a quick moment. she couldn’t figure you out, the tension was thick between the two girls

ellie didn’t want to respond, she didnt know what to say that could satisfy your question, she’d do anything for this moment to never end.

“m...maybe i did” the auburn haired girl reponds a little unsure of herself but she hides it with a steady face, she wanted to prove herself to you, prove that she wasnt just nervous rack. “maybe? oh ellen...i’d love to see that happening from someone like you” you smile innocently, knowing full well her name wasn’t ellen but she didn’t have to know that.

“its ellie...and, i can bark” she said, raising her chin higher to prove her point, her green eyes holding your gaze. She’s on edge, unsure if she’s just woken up something she can’t handle.

“..and i can scratch” you lean closer, the distance suddenly becoming much smaller, ellie could see the tiny spots on your nose and the way your lips were neatly formed and pressed towards, your piercing eyes finding ellie’s green orbits, staring daggers into her skull, ellie could’ve sworn she saw you looking at her lips for a split second, but she wasn’t sure…

does she want me the same way i want her?- no ellie, remember what dina said.

“but you already know that, don’t you?…ellie” oh the brown haired girl knew it very well, everyone did…you scratched like a kitten, you had your claws on everyone. She was speechless for a moment before nodding compliantly and before she could let out a real response you beat her to it, with the same smirk you had on your face the entire time. “that’s what i figured, enjoy the party ellen.” you reach your hand out and pat her head, your long nails making contact with her chestnut colored hair, in the most taunting annoying way ever and then you just disappear into the crowd of people, leaving ellie standing like a flustered mess, a hopeless, pathetic, blushing mess. she had never expected her first conversation with you to be like this.

god she was down bad~

part two??

#ellie williams x reader #ellie tlou #ellie williams #ellie x reader #tlou2 #ellie x fem reader #ellie williams fanfic #tlou fic

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daincrediblegg · 8 months ago

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no you know what I'm going to scream about the stuff I talked about in the tags of this post publicly

I'm tired of the well-meaning "don't feel bad if your work only gets 20 notes your genius is what counts and do it for you!" bullshit. I've had a good handful of friends who have straight up DEACTIVATED in recent months because their work was not getting reblogged AT ALL. No, it wasn't from lack of not being well-liked, no it wasn't from lack of trying to make sure it was getting out there to the people they knew would engage with it. It was because no matter how much they were praised privately for their work, when push came to shove, absolutely NOBODY reblogged it and gave it the audience that it was due, and I'm tired of people shoving the "unsung genius" narrative as an excuse for it. Nothing excuses that. And the boop event really proved that.

because I know given the opportunity, indiscriminately pressing a button (sometimes 10 thousand times, as I did) is not beyond this website's capability. y'all loved doing that. and look at what it wrought. nothing but love and affection and happiness. just from a couple of quick clicks of a little paw button. sure. nobody knew who you booped but the other person (which is how likes used to work on this website, btw). there was an element of anonymity to it. but that is kind of the core of this website that no other social media platform still has: the ability to be anonymous. and hyper-curating a blog on here like you might on twitter or instagram to project an image is simply not viable. and hey. you wanna know a secret: literally nobody cares what you post or whether it goes with the "theme" of your blog or not. yeah. I know. CRAZY concept in this day and age. but literally. I myself have reblogged things that have had nothing to do with whatever I am currently fixated by and you know what happened to my follower count? not a damn thing. in fact, I actively try to reblog things specifically BECAUSE it's my friends who made them (even though I'm not always good at KEEPING UP WITH HOW MUCH THEY POST @prismatica-the-strange will NEVER GO UNRECOGNIZED by me).

And you know what fucking sucks? I have to deal with this too. surprise right? you ever wonder why I reblog fics or art I post like 20 times the day that I post them? do you ever wonder why I ask about tag lists and beg for asks all the time? IT'S BECAUSE EVEN I GET LIKE. 5 LIKES ON THE THINGS I POST. AND THE REST OF THE REBLOGS ARE MINE SO I CAN MAKE SURE THAT PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SEE WHAT I MAKE GET TO SEE IT. and I say that knowing that I'm certainly not an unpopular blog, or an unpopular writer. I know that people love the stories that I create. Hell, half of the people that I've talked to about lady terror have told me that they consider her to be canon (AND EVEN SOME!! THOUGHT SHE WAS!!! WITHOUT EVEN HAVING WATCHED THE SHOW! WHICH IS STILL SO SO WILD TO ME!!!) But especially in the last 4 years (which really dates this phenomenon), my posts, no matter how well received they've been amongst people I've talked to about them directly, I still go into the notes and at least half (often more than half) are MY reblogs to make sure people saw what I posted. and it happens every single time, and I can't tell you how much it crushes me considering that it used to be that I would be able to post it only once, and people would reblog it sometimes even HUNDREDS of times.

It's not about popularity. it never has been. it's not about anxiety. or shifting website cultures. even if you lurk, the simple fact is, that if you want people to keep making what you love. you have to reblog. your theme won't suffer because you reblogged a fanfiction that you really admire. your posting won't be ruined because you reblogged some fanart from someone in a different fandom. really. I promise. and if people do unfollow you for that? who needs em. followers come and go but you should NEVER have to cater to them. on this website it has ALWAYS been the other way around. lean into it. make it yours. put stuff you ACTUALLY WANT to be seen and that you love and appreciate on your blog. no matter how old it is, how new it is, no matter how niche or off-theme it is.

so please. if you really want to show your appreciation for someone's work? you reblog. it's really as easy as that. check the tags. add some when you reblog if you like. but please for the love of god reblog. it's as easy as booping and even more rewarding for the people who you reblog from. if you want to let someone know that their work is genius and appreciate it? show it. reblog. then DM them if you're too nervous to say what you want to say but not in a public forum. but for christ's sake. REBLOG.

#fanfiction #fanart #reblogging #boop

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allophonicmess · 3 months ago

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Too Sweet

Logan Howlett x fem!Reader

Act 1

Remember that inspo I posed the other day? I coudn't let it go and decided to write a three part fic based on it.

Warnings: spoilers for Deadpool& Wolverine, descriptions of a panic attack, angst, implicaded age gap

word count 2k

No beta and English isn't my first language

there will be fluff later on but sadness first:

Too Sweet

Logan felt a great mix of emotions since he had followed that red-ass clown Wade into this universe. Most of it was anger, confusion, rage… But In that moment as he was sat on the black beat-up couch among Wade’s friends… He was overwhelmed.

Not by sensory overload, although that casserole that blind Al had made did stink up the place with garlic-

He was overwhelmed by the feeling of happiness, joy and companionship of the people around him. He hadn’t felt that way in ages if he ever did at all. He never felt that way with his team before everything happened.

He liked them, sure. But this company of weirdos shared a Kinmenship he never got to experience.

“Hey, Peanut! Are you angrily staring off into space to allow for good exposition?” Wade had plopped down on the couch right next to him. His jeans-clad thigh rubbed right up to his. At this point, Logan had given up on trying to keep him out of his personal space.

The older man frowned and stared at Wade next to him. His beer was getting warm but he didn’t feel like giving up his spot on the couch.

“The fuck are you talking about?” He huffed, taking another sip of his beer. But Wade just clicked his tongue, scooting even closer to Wolverine.

“Aww, you know what I mean! You are big and gruff and don’t talk that much… It’s kinda hard to capture you in writing you know. There are only so many words in the English language to describe your grunting and-“

“Are you done?” Logan sighed, finishing his drink. He was starting to regret coming with Wade. Getting drunk in some shit hole of a bar sounded better than listening to Wade's babbling.

“See! That’s what I mean. Sigh is nice, sure but it doesn’t quite capture the nature of those beautiful noses you make, big boy.” Wade petted Logan's thigh, which the older man quickly pulled away as he stood up abruptly.

“Jesus fucking- Can’t you annoy someone else? You got all of these muppets to talk to. Stop bothering me god damn it.” Logan placed the empty bottle down on the couch table. He scanned the room, looking for someone else that Wade could annoy to death. His eyes landed on the brunette… Vanessa… He knew that something had been going on between Wade and her. He never told him the details but from the pining look Wade gave her and the sad as fuck sighs he made, it was clear that the motherfucker wasn’t over her.

“Go and talk to the girl for god's sake. She might be the only one here to appreciate it.” He grinned at Wade, enjoying how his stupid grin faltered even for just a second. He leaned down on Wade's level, whispering to him in an overly joyous manner. “It might even get you laid.”

They stared at each other for a hot minute. Both men tying to provoke the other into action. But Logan was getting bored so he pushed “I might try if you don’t have the balls-“

“Fine!” It came out way too loud. Wade got up quickly trying to keep up his jolly attitude. “Fine, I will. But not because you said so.”

“Or threatened you.”

“You didn’t threaten me.”

“Sure, if you need to believe that” Logan got back onto the couch, now stretching out lazily across it. He closed his eyes, pretending to snooze.

There was no witty comeback, which surprised Logan. But it only came to show that Wade was serious for once.

Logan would never tell but he warmed up to Deadpool. He respected the man, despite his annoying and borderline brain-rotting bad humour. But he had principles. He cared for those around him, loved them dearly and would do anything to protect them. He did in fact. Logan spread out on his worn leather sofa is proof of it. He hated to admit it but Wade was the better man of the two. He didn’t let those he loves down, running away like the drunk asshole Logan is. Wade would have come to help her, would have-

The obnoxiously loud ringing of Wade’s apartment doorbell ripped Logan out of his self-deprecating talk. He blinked against the bright ceiling light and watched as Wade sighed softly. He had just started his conversation with Vanessa and it seemed to be quite a good talk from the looks of it. He seemed frustrated to be ripped away from it. Wade nodded softly, towards Vanessa, excusing himself but he was stopped by Colossus.

“No please Wade, I get it. You seem to be engaged in an interesting conversation.” The 7’5’’ metal man said, touching Wade by the shoulder to turn him back towards to woman. Logan huffed, he wasn’t the only one trying to get Wade laid.

The giant stomped towards the door, turning the doorknob that looked comically small in his silver hand to let the latecomer in.

“Hi! I’m so sorry for being late. I still had to finish some work. It’s the end of the semester, you know how it is.” A sweet voice called from outside.

Then two things happened at the same time. It was like a push and pull.

Ellie, Yukio, even that odd taxi driver… they all turned towards the door in excitement. Smiling and wooing at the woman that just entered the apartment with a cake carrier tucked under her arms.

Logan on the other hand? He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He sat there, staring as Colossus pulled her into a big hug, lifting her off the ground before taking the container off her hands to allow the others to greet her. She was smiling, laughing at some joke Ellie had cracked at her.

She looked younger. Maybe she was, who knows how time worked in this universe. Or it was the lack of stress she had to face, no heartbreak, no constant rejection from a bastard that couldn’t see that the best thing was right in front of him.

“Ah, there you are! We were starting to miss you!” Wade pulled her into a tight hug. He seemed to be content. And the older man cursed himself for even caring about it.

She hadn’t noticed him yet, or so he hoped. Maybe she didn’t know him. It would be for the best.

“Yeah, I already told Piotr, I had to finish some lesson planning at the academy before the school year is over.” She replied as she greeted Vanessa and the rest of the group.

“Oh right. You are the only one that actually knows what she’s doing at that school.” Wade joked, earning a playful remark from Colossus.

So she also studied at a human university before starting at the school, Logan noted. He was still stuck on the couch, feeling unable to move as he kept staring at her.

“You know her?” The sudden comment coming from right next to him made Logan flinch.

“Whoa, relax man. I just noticed you staring at her for like 5 min straight. And you don’t seem too happy about her being here.” Ellie stood next to him, casually watching the scene just as he did.

“None of your fucking business.” Logan managed to spit out. While he did get startled, the interruption helped him to finally feel able to move again. And it happened just at the right moment. He needed to get the fuck out of there.

Ellie just huffed, watching Logan get up on shaky legs. It could just be from the constant level of alcohol in Logan’s blood, making his knees weak, or the age. But she suspected that there was more.

Yet Logan’s attempt at a quiet escape was hindered by Piotr, calling him to come to the kitchen to introduce the two.

“Come to kitchen! I want you to meet my good friend Y/N. She also works at the school. You will like her”, the man sounds proud. He should be.

Logan ignored him, pushing his way through the small crowd with shaky steps. Why was he sweating for god's sake?

“Logan!”

“No” He called, breathing was getting harder again.

“Logan!”

“I’m good! I’m-“ He finally reached the door, rattling the doorknob and cursing that his fucking fingers got shaky. Everything was too loud and too hot and too-

“Wade, it’s fine. He doesn’t have to.“ She tried to stop the two men next to her from calling the man over. He was clearly in distress and it hurt her to watch him fumble on his way out. There were only so many people that were scared of her outside the battlefield.

She had met “their” Logan, but only briefly at some anniversary event. They had simply mismatched their time at the school. He left shortly after Y/N started working and they hadn’t met much. She wondered what the other her must have done to him to cause such a reaction.

Finally. Fucking finally. The door opened and Logan simply burst into the hallway, rushing down the steps to feel the air rush back into his lungs. A fucking embarrassment. That is what he was. The Wolverine scared shitless by a woman that doesn’t even know him.

But the other one did and it killed her.

“Logan, what in the ever-loving- fuck was that?” Wade had run after him. He just couldn’t leave it alone, could he?

“Fuck off.” Logan breathed weakly. He felt tears prickling in his eyes and it made him hate himself just a little bit more.

“You just running off? Scared of a girl?” Wade kept pushing, following Logan as he walked down the familiar street towards his bar of choice. That being the cheapest and quietest he could find in the city.

“Scared you can’t get one off? I don’t wanna make predictions but man, I think she is into the dark brooding type” he kept pushing “ Or you know what? If I can’t get Vanessa laid I might try with her, I mean she is quite-“

That made Logan snap. Turning around and impaling Wade against the closest wall. Both sets of claws out and push into the other man's torso. He only groaned in return.

“Don’t you fucking dare! Don’t you fucking-“

“Okay, okay, whoa ow… man-“ Wade coughed, lifting his hands in surrender. “ I was only joking man. Unfair. Fuck. I am unarmed-urgh”

Logan retracted the claws letting Wade drop to the floor. He knew the man was joking, he should. But it was all too fucking much too soon. He wouldn’t let it happen again. And how to best prevent the inevitable heartbreak? Don’t even let her get close, to begin with. She didn’t deserve it. She never did in the first place and he would do anything in his power to stop it from happening to her.

“So, you are just leaving me hanging? It’s your party too, you know.” Wade got up, inspecting the bloody holes that stained his new shirt. He cursed softy. “Damn, it was brand new. Ruining a perfectly good shirt for the exposition”

“Don’t wait for me,” Logan said, turning away from Deadpool. A cheap bottle of whisky was waiting for him to calm his nerves and forget about that fucking stunt. He won’t see her again, not even talk to her or talk about her. It’s for the best. She would agree if she knew, Logan was sure of it.

New requets for being added to the list via comments on the Masterlist post, please. That helps me to keep things organized :)

Do comment here for feedback and spreading some love ❤️

#logan howlett #logan howlett x reader #logan x reader #deadpool wolverine #deadpool and wolverine #deadpool #x men #fanfiction #x reader #reader insert #angst

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cvpidzcvrse · 4 months ago

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𝔄𝔯𝔢 𝔜𝔬𝔲 𝔉'𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔩?

MDNI, skadaddle nigga

✦A/N: i swear i try to post more but like but sitting on my ass is just rlly fun to do. BUT OFC I CANT BE GONE FOR LONGG!! also i didn’t proofread so ignore typos. here’s an ony fic that i pushed out my pussy bc i’m hot like that. ENJOY!

⋆.ೃ࿔*･Synopsis: You and ony have been fwb for a few months now. On a strict “no emotions involved” type of situation. But he can’t help it if he gets jealous when you start talking to someone else. Your famous last words? "Make me, nigga."

⋆.ೃ࿔*･Wc: 2,233

⋆.ೃ࿔*･Warnings: Mdom, argument, jealous ony, degradation, light choking, oral male!receiving, manhandling, spanking, face fucking, orgasm denial, fingering, very little praise, he’s mean asf, p in v, and finishing inside (practice safe sex)

(reader is black)

You and Onyankapon have been friends with benefits for a couple of months now. It all started because you wanted to lose your virginity badly. You were gnawing at the bars of your enclosure, being that dick hungry you put pornstars to shame. But you didn’t want to lose something so special to someone you barely knew. So you went down a line of people you knew, most of them you immediately shot down. Connie was a whore, Armin had a girlfriend, Jean is…Jean, so what was left was your best friend. He took the opportunity and ran with it, now you guys fuck at least twice a week.

Ony made the sex strictly just sex, with no relationship or strings attached. Just adults blowing off steam almost every weekend. He said it was ok to talk to other people, that’s where Eren comes in. You met him through Armin 2 weeks ago and you guys haven't stopped talking since. Even now, you’re at Ony’s house watching a movie but you can’t separate your eyes from your screen. He invited you over with the notion of just “watching a movie” but he just wanted to fuck, and you knew that.

“Me Personally, I’d definitely survive in the quiet place. Like all you have to do is be quiet, it’s easy.”

You nod your head slowly, paying no attention to Ony’s statement. Your fingers are flying across your phone, you’re having a deep conversation with Eren. Ony looks over at you and rolls his eyes, you can feel his attitude radiating off of him and steam coming out of his ears.

“My nigga, you’re not even listening to me,”

“First, I’m not ‘your nigga’. Secondly, I am listening…”

You trail off after hearing your phone go off with a ding. You snatch your phone out of your lap quickly and start typing away. He gives you the most crazed look he can muster.

“Nigga, are you f’real?”

You look over at Ony’s reaction and the fact that he’s acting like such a drama queen right now. There’s no way he’s hurt by the fact that you’re talking to other people. He’s the one who made the rules in the first place, so why does he care who you talk to? He’s starting to regret his rule-making skills. Your flawless brown skin-pops with your white hoodie and sweatpants to match. Even before y’all started hooking up he thought you were the most beautiful person ever.

“Damn, what the fuck are you talking about? Are you good?”

You frowned at his outburst, confused by the sudden change in tone. You finally put your phone to the side and put your attention on Ony.

“You’ve been on your phone this whole fucking time. Paying absolutely no attention to me or the movie. Who are you even texting?”

“No One-”

Ding..

Ony groans before snatching your phone out of your lap and softly pushing you back from getting it. You get up from your position on the couch and start reaching over his head but his grip on your wrist won’t budge.

“Let’s see who you’re so fucking focused on…”

He looks at the screen and goes silent before turning his head at you. You’re standing there with an overly irked look, hands on your hips, and eyeing him up and down.

“...Eren!? Eren fucking Jeager!? Don’t tell me you’re actually talking to that sorry ass nigga?’

You roll your eyes at his possessiveness. There’s no reason why he should be concerned about who you text and who you decide to mingle with. It’s your pussy and can determine who it wants, right?

“It’s not something you should be concerned about. Shit, just give me the dick so I can leave, that’s why you called me over right?”

His eyes go wide at your boldness. He can’t tell if you’re upset or just trying to rile him up—either way, it’s making him go insane.

“Take that bass out yo’ voice mama. I’m looking out for you, Eren isn’t the type you want. Stop talking to that nigga”

He pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue showing clear signs of irritation. His baritone voice sends chills down your spine. Even when he’s irritated he still looks handsome, the warning look in his eyes makes your pussy clench.

“Who are you talking to right now? I ain’t gotta do shit, f’real. I’m not gonna let some Chiptole bag-tatted ass nigga tell me what the fuck to do.”

Ony’s eyes are bulging out of his head and the vein on his forehead is starting to grow. He isn't fond of your attitude, he snatched you up multiple times because of it. He slowly gets up from his spot on the couch, now looking down at you with a dark look in his eye.

“Watch your tone…”

He says eerily calm, his low voice coming out as silk to your ears. It’s like he’s talking directly to your pussy and she’s listening to every word he’s saying. Instead of standing down like he said you decide to stand on business, which is one mistake amongst many.

“Make me, nigga..”

You scuffed and rolled your eyes. That statement alone made Ony let out a rich chuckle, his face displaying a cheeky smirk. Before you even have time to gauge his actions you feel his callous hand wrap around your neck, forcing you to look up at him.

“Make you what? Say it again..”

He whispers seductively in your ear. You turn away from him before he roughly drags your face back to his. You shake your head not wanting to even breathe, You started this mess now he has to finish it.

“The cock slut doesn’t wanna speak, huh? Take off your clothes since you want my dick so badly.”

The tent in his pants is now noticeable. He lets go of your neck and sits back down on the couch. You start untying your sweatpants, then slowly taking over your panties, followed by your hoodie and bra. Now you’re standing in front of him, all dignity stripped away with your clothes.��

“Get on your knees and suck this dick, I’ll show you exactly how to watch that mouth one of yours.”

You nod before sitting in front of him unbuckling his belt. You slide down his pants to reveal his bulging cock through his underwear. You slowly pull down his underwear, earning a scuff from Ony. He pushes your hand away and pulls his cock out himself. His leaking mushroom tip was just inches away from your face.

“Open your mouth.”

His passionless voice makes your clit throb and your stomach drop. He’s giving you no mercy tonight and you know that. You open your mouth wide as directed and impatiently wait for his next. He chuckles at how pitiful you look at this moment, taking a mental snapshot in his head. You’re waiting for his next command, your hand in between your thighs as you subtly grind on your hand for some type of friction. He grabs the base of his cock and slaps the tip on your tongue.

“You like this shit, don’t you? Go on, suck it.”

You wrap your plump lips around his big cock, bobbing your head slowly. You trace circles around his tip with your tongue. He lets out a string of groans, feeling your warm mouth wrapped around his cock. He grabs the back of your neck and pushes you down on his cock roughly. You gag when his cock grazes the back of your throat with force. Tears swell in your eyes as he fucks your face senselessly. The vibrations of your moans drive him crazy, your muffled moans and tears send him over the edge.

“Mhm…Swallow this cock—fuck”

His head lays on the couch cushion behind him. His hand travels from your neck to the back of your head, gripping your hair harshly. Your faux locs are now scrunched up in his hand. He starts pushing your head down rougher as his pace starts getting sloppy. You feel his cock twitch in your mouth and hot tears flow down your face.

“Fuck–I’m about to cum. Make me cum, slut.”

You moan at his command, your fingers travel down to your soaked pussy, and start massaging your aching clit. You hollow your cheeks and bob your head at his messy tempo pushing him closer and closer to his climax. White ropes shoot down your throat, and the warm thick substance slides your throat. His dick flops out your mouth with a ‘pop’. You rub fast circles on your clit wanting to cum as hard as he did. Right before you make it you feel Ony grab your wrist, halting any movement.

“Who said you could touch yourself? Get up…”

You pout at your ruined orgasm. You get up before he grabs your waist and pulls you onto his lap. Your ass grazes his cock and your back is to his chest. He spreads your legs and hands as he traces small circles on your clit. Your head falls back in satisfaction, he smoothly inserts two of his long fingers inside your damp cunt. You grab his arm roughly, leaving dark nail marks on his tatted skin. His finger moves in and out of you with wet sounds accompanying it.

“F…fuck…right there..”

You whine into his neck when you feel his pace quicken. He’s knuckles deep inside of you, the speed of his strokes increasing by the second. He chuckles at the sight, you’re drooling, your eyes screwed shut, and pornographic moans flooding the living room.

He groans as you squirm in his lap, your bare ass rubbing against his hard cock. He uses his other hand to rub your sensitive clit. Your grip tightens on his arm, your nail prints getting deeper every time he picks up his pace. His fingers plunging into your cunt with such speed and aggression brings you closer to your orgasm.

“F—Fuck…s…slow down…I’m about…to—”

Ony chuckles before pausing his movement. He removes his fingers from your sloppy pussy and trails his hand over to your ass and gives it a small squeeze.

“Only good girls get to cum. C’mon, face down ass up. Right now.”

You whine at the absence of friction and he gives your ass a hard ‘Smack’ in response. He tossed you over to the other side of the couch before turning you on your stomach. He slides his cock on your warm slit, teasing your greedy pussy. He gives your ass a sharp slap before plunging his cock into your pussy without warning.

You let out a porno-worthy moan and grab one of the couch cushions for stability. Ony quickly picks up the pace, abusing your cervix with every stroke. He gives your ass a couple of harsh slaps before grabbing the back of your neck and pushing your face into the couch cushion. The living room is overflowing with moans, grunts, and the sound of your sopping wet pussy. You put your hand back to stop Ony’s forceful thrust.

“S—Shit…slo—ow…down…fuck”

“Nah, Take this shit…Fuck, you’re such a slut.”

Ony slaps your hand away before placing both of his hands on your hips, pulling you deeper into every thrust. You stifle your moans with your both as the bully of your pussy continues.

‘Ding’

You hear him groan as his strokes cease. He grabs your phone from the other side of the couch before scoffing at the name.

“What the fuck does this lame ass nigga want?... Hold on.”

You can hear the smirk in his voice, his cock going at a slower pace than before. You let out a few whimpers that earn you a harsh slap on your already stinging ass.

“Hush…”

His monotone voice sends chills down your spine. You have no clue what's going on behind you until you notice the shadow of your silhouette on the neighboring wall.

‘Is that a flashlight? Wait…is he recording?’

Before you can confirm your answer he goes back to abusing your pussy. You muffle a moan with the pillow in front of you. He presses your body against the couch, the only thing talking is the wetness of your pussy.

“Shit…She’s talking to me, mama. C’mon, tell him who this pussy belongs to.”

You open your mouth to speak but nothing comes out but slutty moans. He gives your ass a hard smack, placing his free hand on your lower back.

“Y-You! F—Fuck!... You do! You own this…mmph…slutty pussy!”

You choke out, completely cock drunk. You hear him chuckle and groan. You pussy turning him into a mess also. His strokes begin to get messy and you feel his cock twitch inside of you.

“Shit mama…cum on my cock baby .”

He reaches his free hand around to trace circles on your clit. Almost like clockwork, you leave your juices all over his cock and coat his shaft in a slippery mess. You feel his tip hit your G-spot a few more times before you feel his warm and sticky cum engulf your inside. His cock is covered in both of your juices, a ring of the mix at the base of his cock.

Your brain is fogged with lust, you can barely think right now. All you can see are stars and darkness before finally feeling him pull out.

“Did my dick feel good?”

“Mhm…”

“You’re my slut, right?”

“Mhm…”

“Thank you, mama."

[Sent: 1 Attachment.]

#x black fem reader #x black reader #x black y/n #x fem!reader #aot x black reader #aot x black y/n #aot x reader #ony x black reader #ony x y/n #onyankopon x black y/n #onyankopon x reader #aot onyankopon #onyankapon #onyankopon smut

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luvyeni · 11 days ago

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PERSONAS ,, 이제노

⸃ ⸰ ⌁ jeno is surprised by your persona... both of them ヾ

PORNSTAR!이제노・ CAMGIRL!reader ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ g ・ smut ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ wc ・ 6.4k ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎| ‎ ‎click to library

𓂃 🎞️ content warning... sex on film, rough-ish sex, oral sex ( M ), unprotected sex, facial

「 ୨୧ authors note 」 finally did a fic based on this photoshoot , doesn’t he look like a 80’s pornstar?

camgirling was only supposed to be something you did for fun, and the cash you got from it wasn't too bad either — you never expected to blow up like you did, the people really liked you.

when you first started it was slow, but that didn't last long and soon you gained a small following. it wasn't until you did a face reveal that you blew up — the fans loved you; that day alone you gained 100k new followers. from that day on you only grew more; more money rolled in which granted you the ability to move into a bigger apartment, pay off your debts and live comfortably without stress.

“it's your persona” your friends would say; you weren't shy about you did for work; you felt like you didn't need to be — no you weren't telling a stranger on the street you did camgirling , but you didn't hide it from your friends. “you're a walking porn trope.” donghyuck; your best friend said. “innocent girl next door look , but we all saw you deepthroat a 6in dildo without gagging.”

that should've offended you but you were used to it. “yeah , that pigmented blush bows and wide puppy dog eyes is cute and all, but it's that and the fact that you bounced on a 7in strap-on attached to a stuffed bear that turns people on.” ryujin said. “you have a face for porn.”

“is there a difference?” your friends looked at you. “duh , of course!” haechan said. “camgirling is mostly done in the comfort of your own home , low production.” he said. “porn is different, with porn there's a script almost like a movie with a crew , and another actor.” you and ryujin both looked at each other. “uh you seem real passionate about that…” he shrugged. “I'm a man of course i do , that's why i know you would be perfect for porn.”

“what would i get out of bad acting in room full of men with hardon watching me be badly fucked by another macho man on viagra and red bull?” you scoffed. “expect a sore clit and a cumshot to the face that tastes like battery acid?” ryujin looked around the cafe where you were sitting , making sure no one heard the conversation. “would you both keep it down?”

“more money, a new following.” he responded nonchalantly , your ears perked up. “go on.” you said now listening. “well the website you use now, it's big but it's niche , only a few new visitors monthly.” he started. “you do one porn video with a good actor with a good following , bingo! you get a new following from his following and it reaches a bigger audience who stumble across your video.” you had to admit although he was loud and you're pretty sure the sweet old lady walking past heard everything, he talked a big game.

“what are you a porn star scout?” ryujin laughed while taking a sip of her hot chocolate. “wait is that a thing?” he asked, you shook your head. “that does sound good, my rent just went up and there's a new pair of shoes that have been sitting in my cart.” you said. “yn don't do porn for a pair of louboutins and rent , get a roommate.” ryujin said, trying to be the voice of reason. “would you do it?” you asked her.

“i love you so i would never lie to you.” she said. “yeah , give me the script.” the three of you busting out into a fit of laughter. “plus if you don't like it then you can easily go back to camgirling.” she said. “and i don't think all male pornstars are bad.”

“and you know this how?” she looked at you. “you think i don't watch porn?” she questioned. “the acting? horrible but who's watching porn for the plot.” haechan raised his hand. “haechan be fucking for real.” you snickered. “what big dick delivery man and hot lonely milf is a work of art.” he said with a serious face. “oh he serious i think.” ryujin said. “that's the scary thing.”

“you know not all the acting is bad either.” ryujin spoke up. “yeah jeno is good even my dick gets hard when i listen to him speak.” you choose to ignore him. “who's jeno.” you asked. “you don't know jeno? the lee jeno, he's huge in the porn world.” ryujin said, you scoffed. “sorry im not familiar with the ryan reynolds of porn.” you said. “you think ryan reynolds would do porn?”

“lee jeno is a huge pornstar; he doesn't even just do porn , he's a model, he walks on runways as well , he's invited into classy spaces despite showing the world his dick.” the girl explained. “and i heard the girls he fucks on camera…” she said. “those orgasms are real.” haechan nodded in agreement. “i heard that too.”

“if you could get with him, you'd be set.” you rolled your eyes. “if he's as good as you say why the fuck would he film a video with me?” you scoffed. “pussy is pussy and money is money.” ryujin shrugged , the horrified worker walked past making the three of you laugh. “my god ryu , you sound like a man.”

“check him out; i swear you'll understand why he's famous.”

“come in , come in.” you flashed a smile to the camera; this wasn't a camgirl video, but a regular live that you sometimes did because your fans wanted you to — for what? you don't question, they pay you to just talk half naked. “how was everyone's day?”

you read through the comments; thanking the commenters for the donations. “what did i do today?” you read off. “well i ran some errands, got a few new toys.” you smirked. “oh and i had some coffee with some friends.” you said. “they told me i have a face for porn.”

the comments blew up with people agreeing. “i guess you guys agree as well.” you giggled playing into that act they loved so muched, reading more comments.

6inchking. what i would do to film a video with you.

user34.52. fuck yes , i would kill to see you fuck someone else.

allsizesmatter. you should film with lee jeno.

“oh? i keep hearing that name, my friends said the same thing.” you said. “is he really that good? maybe i should watch some of his videos.” you said, rolling your eyes at the comments that were in disbelief that you watched porn. “guys don't be ridiculous , why wouldn't i watch porn?” you laughed, grabbing your phone. “let's look him up.”

you typed into the search bar; waiting for the screen to load. “let's see if he lives up to what everyone says he is.” the screen finally loading, the most finest fucking man popping up on your screen. “oh he's really good looking.” you said scrolling through the many pictures. “really good looking.” you almost forgot you were on live — not only was his face godly , it looked like he was sculpted by the gods himself.

user24.52. look at her , already turned on just by his photos.

user22.63. to be looked at by her liked that.

“guys stop.” you giggled, cheeks red. “he is cute though.” you said. “im already so tired from the day.” you said; and yes you were tired, but you also wanted to watch on of his videos. “am i gonna watch one of his videos?” you smiled innocently , before shrugging. “i guess you guys will never know will you.” you blew a kiss to the camera. “bye bye.” you turned the camera off.

after that you wasted no time, climbing into your bed. your phone in your hand as you get comfortable, reaching over into your nightstand grabbing your rose toy; taking off your panties , pulling down your bra , sighing as the wind hit your nipples. “fuck.” you scrolled through jenos account— he had 5.5 million followers; way more than your messily 345k, he was a big deal.

you scrolled through his videos , settling on the most recent one. clicking the video — normally you'd skip the whole “acting scene” but this guy was known for his good acting so you decided to see for yourself.

you were a little bored at first, but as the scene went on you came to the realization that it was one of the best scenes you'd ever watched when watching porn, even though the actress was good , it almost seemed like regular video — besides the bright production lights and 4k hd cameras , and the fact that the beautiful actress herself was dressed in expensive lingerie and heels. her makeup done to the nines.

and then there was jeno; he was just as fine on video than in camera. his voice alone had you itching to touch yourself, which you did— fingers ghosting over your nipples; eyes closing. you almost forgot about the video, until you heard moaning. you opened your eyes to jeno sticking his cock into the girl. believe it or not , you weren't fucking just anyone , you actually only had sex with a few people , but their sizes compared to his were vastly different.

you understood why he was so famous; jeno was extremely good at his job. it was like you were watching a real couple fuck in their bed; jeno was rough; but not like those horrible videos where it looked like the girl wasn't enjoying it — the way the actresses eyes were crossed, it looked like she was very much enjoying it.

you curled your fingers up into your g-spot, thrusting your fingers in and out of your dripping hole. your moans , jenos and the actresses filled your empty room. you wanted to drop the phone and just finish already, desperate to cum , but you couldn't, it was like you were in a trance. the actress came with a loud scream. “oh fuck.” you moaned as jeno brought the girl to her knees , cumming all over the girls face — lord how you wished it was you.

your legs crossed over your hand as you came, back arching off the bed. “fuck!” you sighed as you came down from your high , the next random video playing on your phone. you turned it off , desperately trying to catch your breath. he had this effect on you and all you did was watch his videos.

getting up to clean yourself off; washing your body and your hair. getting out , drying off. you threw on an oversized shirt not bothering to put on underwear, it was just you. grabbing a snack before making your way back to bed to watch tv.

meanwhile a few miles away; jeno sat in his chair scrolling through his feed. he hated night shoots , everyone was tired and ready to go home. the actress today just wasn't good , her acting sucked , she was bitching about everything; how she hated the script; how the outfit was ugly — how she wanted him to cum. he was all for women wanting to what they wanted , but damn how was it his fault he wasn't turned on enough to cum as much as she wanted.

“jeno?” his manager and best friend jaemin , walked into his dressing room. “is it time to go?” he said, not looking up. “well … no, she's still complaining, something about you being too big.” jeno smirked. “so we're figuring that out now.” he said. “can we just sat fuck this shoot and go home?” he said. “im doing them a favor, i don't need the money.” he said. “yeah sure.” jaemin said. “what can they do?” he told the assistant on hand to tell them they were leaving. “what did you want?” he said, putting on his sweats. “when? oh to just show you this.”

he pulled the sweatshirt over his head; taking the phone from his friend's hand. “what am i looking at, who is this girl?” he stared at the screen , watching you talk. “she's cute , new girlfriend?”

“i don't date, she's a camgirl.” he scoffed at his friend. “her?” he looked at you once again. “stop fucking around her?” you looked so innocent, dressed like a doll , cute makeup, cheeks extremely pink from blush, normally jeno thinks that makeup look is crazy, but you made it work. “she doesn't even look like she's seen a porn film.”

“not everything is what it seems my friend look.” he clicked another video— and he swore he was watching another girl. “did she just?” jeno was shocked. “yes , she did.” his friend smirked while he stared in shock as he watched you take a 9in toy down your throat without gagging. “no gag reflex , if she has a boyfriend he's a lucky fucking bastard.”

jeno pushed the phone away; not that he didn't want to see it, but he also didn't want to cum in his pants to a video in front of his friend. “why are you showing me this?” he said. “you know i don't do camming.”

“yeah , but people want you both to collaborate. apparently she talked about you today and the internet is going crazy.” jaemin said. “she has good following , not as big as yours , but that shouldn't even matter , bro she doesn't have a gag reflex , i’d do it for fun.” jeno picked his bag up, slinging it over his shoulder. “does she even have a manager? does she even want to do porn? why am i asking the questions that i pay you to already have answered before coming to me?”

“she's a independent artist i think, but I'm sure she'd answer a dm.” jeno lifted his eyebrow. “yeah , because she'd answer a random message asking her does she want to do porn , bro she gets those messages daily.” he said. “im sure i could work it out.” he said. “well then come back to me when you do.” jeno slapped his friends chest. “now let's go im hungry.” he said. “i’ll send you that link to the full video , you have to see it.”

“which one did you watch?” haechan asked. “why are we having this conversation right now?” you said cheeks red. “you've literally told us about how you — the recent one.” you interrupted ryujin before she embarrassed you. “i watched the recent one.” she nodded. “oh that one is good, that actress is hot.” she said , hyuck nodding in agreement. “she is.”

“she was, they both were.” you said. “and the acting was good , i actually watched it.” haechan pointed. “told you sometimes the plot just hits.”

“i thought i was watching a couple fucking, either one , that actress is in the wrong business or two , he's a good fucker and she wasn't acting.” you said. “she actually looked excited for him to cum on her.” you could still hear the moans playing in your head. “okay snap out of it , no one wants to watch you get turned on in public.” ryujin said , haechan scoffed. “speak for yourself.”

you laughed , your phone buzzing making you break away from the conversation; it was a message from twitter dm. you ignored it , thinking it was a normal everyday dm from a fan. you sat your phone down only for it to go off multiple times. “girl you got a boyfriend we don't know about? who the hell is texting you like that?” ryujin picked up your phone. “probably a weird fan, im gonna close my dms”

that didn't stop ryujin from clicking the messages, ready to troll the person. “oh girl , i don't think so.” she handed you the device back. “what is it?”

reading through the text messages. “what is it , don't leave me out.” haechan whined. “it's from jenos manager.” ryujin said , haechan sat up from his seat. “what let me see.” he snatched the phone. “oh my god , jeno wants to film with you.” he said. “it's like the porn gods answered us.”

“must you act like a neanderthal? it's probably a fake account.” haechan clicked the account. “it's verified and there's pictures of them together , they seem close.” he said. “he wants you to call him , he gave you a number to call.” he gave you back the phone. “oh my god let's go back to yours so you can call.”

they basically dragged you back to your apartment after that, forcing you to call the boy. “you both have to shut the fuck up if i put it on speaker.” you said typing down the number into the keypad. “probably about to call a random guy just so he can jerk off to my voice.” you pushed the call button. “don't you do that already.” you scoffed. “yeah but i get paid for it.”

the three of you sitting around the bed waiting for them to answer. “hello?” you picked up the phone. “is this na jaemin?” you said. “yes is this yn? i know your voice— wait, not like that.” your two friends snickered. “it's fine, i almost didn't call you, i thought you were a weird fan.”

“understandable; it's probably a weird text , but it me and everything i sent was true.” he said. “it is?” your eyes widened. “s-so he really does want to film with me?” you asked. “yes , he does.” you wanted to squeal , but you didn't want to seem desperate. “oh that's cool.” you said. “oh that's cool?” ryujin whispered to herself. “shut up.” you gritted through your teeth. “excuse me.”

“oh nothing.” you said. “oh okay, well first thing, we set up a meeting with you both.” he said. “just so when you film it won't be too awkward , then we film.”

“that's it?” you said. “that's it , you both show up to film, we'll provide everything else for you.” you looked at your friends who nodded their heads. “how does that sound?” he said. “i guess that's fine.” you said. “great! i’ll let him know, are you free tomorrow?”

“tomorrow? uh yeah sure im free.” you said. “great i'll send the address where to meet us see you tomorrow!” you hung up the phone. “oh my god i can't believe that just happened.” you tossed the phone down on the bed. “this is crazy , you get to film with lee jeno.” haechan said. “i almost want to be in your shoes.”

the next day you got ready for the meeting; putting on your best outfit — so you wouldn't feel so nervous, and maybe to impress them a little. jaemin had sent you the address the night before and lucky for you it was in walking distance from your place. “im almost there's , so I'll call you back when it's over.” you said the restaurant in your view. “you better and be careful , just cause there hasn't been a serial killer porn star, doesn't mean there can't be one.” ryujin ordered. “okay im here.”

you quickly said your goodbyes, before hanging up. you reached for the door , walking into the restaurant. you looked down at your phone, ready to send the man a text when someone tapped your shoulders. “yn?”

“oh hi.” you smiled. “i was just about to text you.” you put your phone away. “you're right on time , jeno is over there.” he said “let's go.” your hands were sweating from nerves as you approached the table , the man himself coming into view. “don't be nervous, he's not as intimidating as he looks on camera.” he said. “jeno.”

the boy looked up from his phone; and he almost did a double take. you really didn't look like what you did for work; gorgeous? yes. but he just couldn't see you doing what he saw you do the night before. “oh shit.” he stood up. “hey.” he said , holding his hands out. you reached for his hand , shaking it. “h-hi.”

“both of you sit down , sit down and get comfortable.” jaemin said. “before i give you some space , let's go over the details.” he sat down. “okay.” you smiled.

jeno didn't need to listen; jaemin would just repeat it over for him — instead he just looked at you, studying you. he watched you fiddle with your nails while listening to his friend intently. his eyes traveling down to your lips, biting the bottom one. “jeno?” jaemin knocked him out of his thoughts. “what?” he watched you shuffle in your seat. “i said you understand all that?”

“yeah , yeah i do.” he said. jaemin knew he didn't , but he'd explain later. “we filming on wednesday, it will only take one day , but it's a all day shoot is that fine?” you nodded. “of course.” you said. “that works for me.”

“good , now i'll give you both some time to get to know each other.” he stood up. “i’ll get you both some food as well.” he walked away. “thank you.” you called out, it fully hit you that you were left alone with jeno again , he smirked watching you shy away once again. “i guess this is the real you.”

“h-huh?” you asked , he sat up; putting his elbows on the table, watching you. “the bows really do change how one would look at you.” your hand came to your head. “no , keep them in , don't take them out.” your hands immediately went to your lap. “cute.”

“me-me?” you gulped. “is anyone else sitting there love?” your cheeks were flushed , to jeno it was like your already pink cheeks were now red. “here you guys go.” jaemin came back with two plates. “i ordered enough steak for you to share , and some pasta.” he said. “i’ll leave you two , jeno play nice , she's perfect for this and we don't need you scaring her off.”

“go ahead.” he said. “eat.” you picked up the fork nervously, picking up a slice of the meat. “now put to your mouth and eat it.” it felt like he was gonna eat you alive , you put the steak to your mouth , biting it. “good girl , i can already tell im gonna like you.”

“so tell me , why'd you want to do this?” jeno asked. “do-do what?” you asked. “do I need to spell it out baby , porn what made you want to do this?” he said. “most camgirls stick to that.” you sat the fork down , taking a sip of water. “well it's kinda stupid.” you said , he waved you off. “tell me.” he said. “well my friends told me i’d be good at it.” you said. “and you just listened to them?” he raised his eyebrows. “you must agree with them.”

“i guess.” you said. “i didn't really understand what they meant by that.” he sat back listening. “i do.” he really did , truth is jeno spent the night before watching your past streams , and fuck did you put on a performance. he had to force himself to put his phone down before he started shooting blanks , his hands and his cock covered in his cum as your moans played over and over on his phone. “well why do you do it?”

“me?” he asked , shrugging. “because i like to fuck.” he laughed, watching your eyes widen. “don't look so surprised baby it's really not that surprising,” he said. “i like to fuck and i like making money , why not do both?” jeno never wanted to be a pornstar , his main dream was to be a model , turns out it wasn't that easy — but it was easy to pick up a camera and film himself fucking. “b-but you're a model , you don't need to do this.”

“you're right i don't , but here we are.” he eyed you up and down , eyes shamelessly stopping at your bust. “just like you.” he said. “y-yeah.”

“you've watched a few of my videos haven't you?” he asked. “i watched yours.” you wanted to lie , but how could you when he was being so truthful. “a few.” you gulped. “so you know im not gonna go easy on you right?” the way he talked so confidently it sent shivers down your spine. “but im sure you can take it right?” your body hot. “i mean im bigger than what you've taken but im sure you can learn to take it right?”

“i can take it.” you said, quickly covering your mouth. “yeah? let's see on thursday.” he bit his lip. “give me your phone.” he said. “here.” you handed it to him. “you listen well , i fucking love that.” he typed down his number. “i don't give my number out to every actress.” he said, handing you your phone back , jaemin returning back to the table. “we have to go soon.”

“that's too bad , we were just getting to know each other.” reaching for your card. “relax , im paying.” jeno said. “i-i have money.” you said. “i'm sure you do , but i didn't ask.” he said. “yn do you need a uber?” jaemin asked, but you were too busy making googly eyes at jeno. “oh no , i-i live a few minutes away.” jaemin nodded. “well it was nice to meet you , why don't you head out first and we'll stay behind and settle this.” you smiled. “thank you.”

“just show up on wednesday as you are ready to film.” you nodded. “of course!” you smiled, about to walk away when jeno grabbed your hand. “your phone love.” you took it from his hands. “thank you.” and just like that , the boys watched you leave out. “you done making googly eyes?” jaemin said. “can i take you home so i can get to my date?” jeno rolled his eyes. “hey don't get upset with me, nothing stopped you from following behind her and getting a pre show of wednesday.”

wednesday came quick; you have a busy few days before — you wanted everything perfect , getting your hair done; waxing your eyebrows and other areas. you hadn't used the number jeno gave you , scared to use it , even though your friends encouraged you too. “you're about to have his cock inside you , this phone call would be nothing.”

still you didn't budge; it probably didn't even bother the boy, he could've easily called someone else.

the production had arranged for a car to pick you up from your place to take you to a location; you read the script on the way there , it was a simple script since it was your first project on this scale — something about neighbors. it really didn't matter to you, you were excited but nervous. “we're here miss.” it was an actual house; a nice one.

you got up to the car , thanking the driver. “okay.” you said to yourself. “let's do this.” you said, the door was open so you just walked in , people running around, cameras and lights everywhere. “you must be yn?” a woman came up to you. “hi?” you said. “you are?” she smiled. “im kim , I run the production company that films the videos jeno is in.” she said. “you do?”

“yes i do; is it a little weird because im a woman?” you shook your head. “no of course not!” you said she laughed. “we're all about comfortability, to make sure you and the actor are both comfortable.” she said. “jeno is already on set , he's normally never here early.” she said. “actually he's normally late.” she said. “but enough about him , let's get you to your dressing room.”

she guided you to your room, opening the door. “this is your first shoot so i wanted to make sure everything was perfect.” she held your back guiding you in. “we have a stylist that will help you , along with make up who will make you even more beautiful.” she was extremely nice. “thank you so much.” you said. “don't worry about it , just get relaxed and ready to film some scenes.” she said. “the stylist will be in here soon , make-up as well.”

she left you alone after that , you looked around the room , she laid out a display of snacks that made you smile — your phone ringing , you took it out of your pocket , furrowing your eyebrows at the unrecognizable number. “so your phone does work.” you recognized the room , whipping around. “je-jeno.”

he walked into the room. “it's been a busy week.” you said. “yeah?” you nodded. “you aren't wearing the bows today,” he said. “gonna tell the stylist to change that.” you nervously took a step back. “i like the bows , let's put them in the movie.” you nodded. “ok-okay.” he was close enough to smell his cologne. “relax , im not gonna bite.” he said. “at least not now.” you squeaked as he pressed against you. “later im not promising anything.”

“i could definitely take you right here right now.” he confessed. “give you a quick training on taking me before later.” he said, his body looming over you. “but i kinda want to wait until later.” he smirked , your knees almost buckling under you. “let's wait until later, yeah?” he said. “ye-yeah.” you sighed in relief when he stepped back , finally letting you breathe. “i’ll see you in a bit love.”

you didn't have time to process what just happened before the stylist and the makeup artist both shuffled in. “out jeno out we have to get her ready.” he was quickly pushed out. “gosh.” the stylist said. “he's never here this early all of sudden he's early.” the makeup artist turned to you. “well there's the reason right there, you are gorgeous.” you smiled. “th-thank you.”

“let's get you ready.”

the outfit wasn't much different from what you normally wear , just a lingerie version meaning it was much shorter; so short you could see your ass , poking from your panties — but it was still cute. “you look pretty.” the stylist said, picking up the bows. “per jenos request, hope you don't mind.” she placed the bow in your hair. “done.”

they left , kim returning soon after. “you ready.” you nodded. “let's go.” she guided you to the front where the scene would take place , the cameras ready. “yn , hey.” jaemin said. “oh hi.” you waved back. “you look nice , you ready?” you nodded. “i'm a little nervous , this is much different than my room.”

“don't worry about it; it's your first big production.” he said. “just do your best.” he reassured you. “jeno is done with make-up so we should be starting — five minutes!” someone shouted , you giggled. “in five minutes.” he said. “good luck.”

“the scene starts with you in the kitchen.” the producer guided you to the kitchen , leaving you alone. you leaned over the counter , scrolling through your phone while you waited. “you look too good right now.” jeno caged you in between his arms. “th-thank you , you smell nice.” it just slipped out your mouth. “oh , i-i di-didn’t — you smell nice too.” he said , your cheeks were already red enough. “makes me want to eat you up right here.” he didn't know how much he really was effecting you , anymore of what he would be doing and you'd be begging him to fuck you right there. “okay actors , get in position!”

“good luck princess.” he walked away, leaving you to pull yourself together and get ready for the scene. “are they actors ready?” everyone got into position. “okay, rolling in 5…4…3…2…1 , start !”

the scene went exceptionally well; it was build up scene that leads up to the actual sex scene — but even those scenes were hot and heavy; at least jeno made it like that. it took a few hours to film , making sure to get every angle. “okay great, the next scene jeno you what to do.”

jeno didn't know if he had it in him; the resistance as the camera guy yelled for the scene to start again — the strength to hold himself together once he got his lips on you; he was a professional, but with you it felt like his very first scene.

“you can do what you want.” you spoke up , back into character , you were a natural — almost like you were talking to him outside of character. “what did you say?” he said , damn near forgetting his line. you looked down at your fingers. “to me , you can do what you want to me.”

there was the girl from the streams; it flicked just like that; your other persona , the one from the restaurant that told him you could take it — and he was about to put it to the test. “i can?” his big hand wrapping around your neck. “you don't know me that well but you'd let me do what i want to you?”

that was basically your current situation with the man; yeah you had only met him four days ago, but you'd let him do whatever he wanted , on and off camera. “y-yes.”

“that's real whore like of you.” his hand squeezed your throat. “real whore like.” he said, slamming his lips against yours. unfortunately the scene took place on a couch so he didn't have much room to work with , but it didn't mean anything to him — besides he'll just fuck you into your mattress on another day.

the kiss was rough; his hand squeezing your throat as he pushed his tongue into your mouth. “fuck.” he cursed, pulling away. “get on your knees.” he pushed you down , the camera close to your face as he unbuckled his pants. “gonna fuck your face.” he pulled his cock out , it was definitely bigger than the dildos you were use to. “hey.” he slapped your face. “come on, be a good whore and suck my cock.”

he grabbed the base of his cock , slapping it on your cheek. “open slut.” he shoved his length inside your mouth , and much like your previous streams , you took him into your throat without gagging. “yeah , fuck swallowing my fucking cock like that.” he groaned , holding the back of your head moving you up and down on his thick length , also moving his hips. “cock sucking slut , how many cocks has this throat taken?”

he was using your mouth; the cameras all there filming it turned you on even more , the many people watching in the room as he fucked your face made you hornier. “yeah fuck!” he had to force himself out of you so he wouldn't cum fast. “get up.” he pulled you up , throwing you to the couch. “ass up, now slut.”

he pulled the dress up , revealing the matching color set they put you in. “dumb slut is wet from sucking cock.” he slapped your ass , you moaned , he pulled your panties down , your folds covered in your slick. “messy pussy , gonna stuff you full of my cock.” he maneuvered your body on the small couch. “arch your back.”

he pushed your head down on the couch seat. “gonna make you take it all at once.” your whimpering turned into screams as he abruptly shoved his entire length into your pussy. “hell you're fucking tight.” he groaned , pulling out slamming back inside. “fuck!” he began to fuck into you , holding the back of your neck. “such a whore.”

his thrust were brutal and unrelentless; the camera catching everything — his cock stretching you out more than you've ever been, the squelching sounds from your cunt it was embarrassing, having people hear that ; but the embarrassment soon was forgotten as he went deeper. “my fuck -oh my- oh my fucking god.”

he let out a lust filled chuckle. “so stupid baby.” he slapped your ass. “my cock really made your brain turn to mush.” he abruptly pulled out of you , slapping your ass , your legs shook. “turn around.” he flipped you on your back.

you looked up at him with teary wide eyes. but he could see the lust in them. “that innocent look doesn't work on me.” he slapped your cunt. “i can see through whores like you.” he lined his cock up with your hole. “innocent looking but ready to take any cock they can get.”

this new angle had you reaching for anything , jenos arm; the couch cushion — his cock had you grabbing at the air. he pulled down the front of the lingerie , your tits now bouncing along with his thrust. the rumors proving to be true as you felt your orgasm approaching. “you're clenching around me , fuck your pussy is suffocating my cock.” he growled. “fuck im gonna cum!” you screamed out. “cum slut , wet my cock with your cum.”

he had your legs open wide , holding your shaking thighs. “cum.” your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you came, soaking his stomach and the seat below you. a high pitched moan coming from your mouth as he kept going. “fuck keep cumming on my cock.” he slapped your poor clit rubbing rubbing it. “yeah im gonna - fuck - im gonna cum.” he groaned. “fuck im gonna cum all over your face.”

he pulled out of your twitching hole , standing over your face , stroking his cock. the camera was up close again as he came — and he came a lot. he groaned, throwing his head back as he covered you in his seed. “fuck.”

you laid out on the couch , his thumb still rubbing at your clit as your reached your final orgasm , your thighs shaking uncontrollably. “cut!”

jeno almost forgot about the camera; ready to bring you to another orgasm. “je-jeno.” your shaking voice pulled him from his horny state. “shit im sorry.” he pulled away , desperately wanting to taste you. “almost made you squirt again.” he smirked. “now how would we explain that? because the camera is off.”

“get her a cover.” he shouted , someone running over to you both , he covered your body. “jeno.” they handed him a robe. “you did so good.” the staff handing you fluids. “felt like watching a couple have sex , you're a natural girl.” you nodded with a smile. “are you a natural princess?” jeno spoke up once they were gone. “or is it because those screams were real?”

you lowered your head , shying away from his gaze. “don't hide from me now , i know your real persona , and these cameras maybe done rolling, but i'm not done with you yet.” he whispered , just as you were pulled from your seat by a staff member and whisked back to your room. “you ready to go?” jaemin came over. “no need to drive me home tonight,” he said. “why not?” asked Jaemin.

“because im not going home tonight.”

©️LUVYENI

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