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softykooky · 4 years ago

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the habits of a broken heart.

☾ genre : soulmates au, unrequited love, art student!JK, english student!Y/N, angst, fluff, subtle enemies to lovers

☾ pairing : jeon jungkook x reader

☾ summary : jungkook and you are soulmates. so says the matching crescent moons on both your wrists. however, things are never as easy as they seem, and you are quick to learn that falling in love with someone who does not believe in love is a one-way ticket to heartbreak.

alternatively,

“You still are, you know. Worth it.” You release a shaky breath. “But I was stupid to think that I am too.”

☾ word count: 26.3k (my biggest one yet!)

☾ author’s note: this took forever oh my gosh! i really hope you like it! it’s my first time writing such a big single piece, and trying a different style. thank you so much for your support, always! please let me know what you think ♡

The first time he had his heart broken, Jeon Jungkook had been 13 years old. He was fresh out of middle school and so ready to face his freshman year with an impressionable mind and plenty of voice cracks to earn him months worth of teasing. You see, at the age of 13, Jungkook wasn’t something to swoon over. He had yet to grow into his ears and Dr. Park assured him that his braces would be off as soon as she could get them. He was a little lanky and a bit too reticent to be considered social. So when a girl in his grade comes up to him, nervous and stuttering, and asks him to go to the heavily romanticized homecoming dance, Jungkook has already come to the conclusion that she might be his soulmate, even if he was far too young to get his mark yet.

Her name was Mina, and Jungkook is confronted with this memory every time he visits home and his mother makes the family flip through the photo albums dating back to his high school years. He grimaces every time he sees the picture of them together. Him in a pink button-up to match her offensively ugly ruffled taffeta dress.

Mina broke up with him three months after that picture was taken, through one of her friends no less and in front of his entire gym class. Jungkook couldn’t remember how long he cried for while he felt the pain from his first heartbreak would never go away, regardless of how much time passes. He held onto his mother and sobbed out the agony and humiliation of Mina not wanting to be his girlfriend anymore, and how he had lost his soulmate before he even knew it was her. His mother assured him that without the mark, there was no way to be sure and that there was hope. But back then, all Jungkook could think of was ways to avoid Mina the next day, especially when they sat next to each other in 3rd period biology.

At 13 years old, Jungkook thought he would never find love again.

He is 18 when he stands alongside his parents in a pale examination room and awaits his destiny. He’s leaving for college the next day, yet the only thing that’s making him nervous is the mark that will inevitably appear on his wrist in the next few minutes. The same one he would find on his soulmate’s, and Jungkook wonders if there is the possibility of scaring everyone away when the first thing he’ll ask on a date is: can I please see your wrist?

To say the least, Jungkook is petrified. Because that mark on his wrist is going to serve as a constant reminder of his missing piece, and Jungkook knows he’ll always feel lacking until he finds them. It’s a crescent moon. Small and black and nestled comfortably on his skin. He knows many times the marks don’t have any correlation with the couples, but Jungkook wonders if you are an astrologist. Or an astronaut. Or just had a weird affinity for the moon. He smiles when they congratulate him and can’t stop himself from thinking that he might be in love with you already. Wherever you are. When he leaves for university, he feels less lonely when there is a crescent moon to accompany him.

Contrary to the beliefs of his 13-year old self, Jungkook does fall in love again. Hard. This time, it was a girl with brown hair and big eyes and a smile so pretty he could see it from across a crowded room. She was a grade below him; a frazzled college freshman with no clue to where her lecture hall was, and he: a sophomore who had a compulsion of changing his major every other month. When he met her, it had been chemical engineering and three weeks before that was film composition. Her name was Yoojung, 18 years old while he was 19.

Her soulmate mark is a single star, and even though he knows she is not his soulmate, he can’t help but to think how perfectly their marks complement each other. How they would make a perfect night sky.

They had met at a frat party, no less, and the combination of cheap booze and bad hiphop music had made her look so incredibly gorgeous under the dim lighting. They had their first kiss in a random person’s living room, highly intoxicated and much too irresponsible and Jungkook had barely even remembered it in the morning until she showed up at his doorstep and invited herself in. Yet it wasn’t too long before he made a perfect space for Yoojung in his life.

Each day after his physics lecture, he’d go to her dorm and they’d chat over breakfast until she had economics at 10 o’ clock. After she was done, he’d insist that they go get a greasy hamburger at the joint his friends took him to when they got high and, she’d end up dragging them both to the health food restaurant that prided themselves on only using organic. Leave it to Jungkook to find himself a vegan girlfriend.

Sometimes though, when he looks at Yoojung, his mind drifts to his actual soulmate and a little flower named guilt blooms in his chest. But he is so young and his other half could be anywhere in the world, so Jungkook thinks there is no harm in allowing himself to indulge in a little affection. These days, it wasn’t completely abnormal for soulmates to part ways, and when Yoojung is in his arms, Jungkook likes to think that his soulmate would understand. They would want him to be happy. In the middle of synchronizing their busy student schedules and sneaking in quick kisses through cramming for finals, he had found it unnervingly easy to fall in love with her.

Deeply and blindly in love.

Yoojung brought him home to her family on fall breaks and the occasional winter vacation and Jungkook had melded perfectly into their dynamic. The son I never had, her father would tell him over the dinner table while her mother constantly made sure his plate was piled high. Her little sister was visibly in love with him, and would ask Yoojung where he was every time she came home from university, yet avoiding him at all costs when he was there.

Jungkook’s own family, however, was a different story. To put it delicately, they had liked it more when he came home by himself and left her at school. It had put a strain on their relationship sure, but at the end of the day, Jungkook loved her. A simple love.

Every day he remembers that their marks do not match. But if this is love and he feels like he is on cloud 9 with every moment they are together, Jungkook begins to doubt if the universe’s will is truly divine and successful. Maybe Yoojung was his soulmate and it did not matter what was on their wrists.

He loved her intensely, and she did him. She was the first thing on his mind when he woke up and manifested in his dreams when he slept at night. To Jungkook, Yoojung could do no wrong. Like some sort of divine being or angel that the heavens sent just for him, and he found himself thinking maybe he wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life beside her.

But he would come to learn that the higher the climb...the harder the fall.

Jungkook and Yoojung were together for the better part of 4 years before she cheated on him with a guy that she’d supposedly met a couple weeks ago. When Jungkook screams at her asking why she had been disloyal, Yoojung shows him her wrist. Her single inked star.

“I found my soulmate, Jungkook. And I love you so much, you know I do. I didn’t know how to tell you so I…”

The rest of her words fade into white noise and all Jungkook can do is look at her and commit every detail to memory as he feels her fade farther away. Her teary and remorseful brown eyes. Her plush lips. The fan of her eyelashes and the mole on the side of her temple. He’ll never get to see her like this again.

“I was ready to be with you, soulmate or not. I know it’s not fair but I wanted the same from you”, he whispers, falling down on the couch and burying his face in his hands.

“Soulmates be damned, the universe was wrong. I was so hideously in love with you. How could you not at least tell me when you met him?” Jungkook feels his heart collapsing in on itself with every word of resignation. Of burgeoning acceptance. Yoojung can only mirror his desolate expression and stares down at the star on her skin.

Jungkook wishes it were a moon.

“Just go, Yoojung.”

It would have hurt less if it was only a one night stand with a stranger she did not know the name of. He was in love and spineless enough to move past a one night stand. However, Yoojung had found her soulmate and fallen in love with him. Jungkook had merely acted as a placeholder for the real deal to come along and sweep her off her feet.

This time he doesn’t cry. Just stares out the window of his living room and wonders what it would be like to disappear altogether. When the door is slammed shut, and he is left to nurse his aching soul, Jungkook apologizes in advance to the person that shares the same mark on their wrist as him. He no longer believes that soulmates exist.

When Jungkook looks back at his 13 year old self with the innocent construct of what heartbreak feels like, he wants to laugh and maybe slap that stupid boy upside the head. Yoojung had destroyed him. Destroyed the innocent and starry-eyed person that he’s tried so hard to preserve. Destroyed his vulnerability and bright outlook on life and in their place, cultivated walls of rock and steel meant to keep everyone out and him safely tucked inside. In her wake, Yoojung left behind a shell of a man who pushed his emotions so deep he became numb and forgot what it was like to feel.

So Jungkook does what he always does to push away the hurt. He changes his major; to art history this time. He stacks up bracelets on his wrist to forget the mark of a moon. He scrapes up his rainy day money and treats himself to the most expensive pair of Saint Laurent boots he’s ever worn. He tests the limits of the human liver, and takes advantage of the biceps and jawline he’s acquired since high school to establish a reputation.

To his friends, Jungkook remained raucous and always down to order infinite rounds of shots until he couldn’t see straight. To those that looked even closer, Jungkook was so completely shattered he didn’t even feel it anymore.

The second time he had his heart broken, Jungkook was 23. He promised himself he wouldn’t let it happen again.

◐

“For the last time, Jimin, I’m not going to give you a blowjob so you can pay for my student loans.”

You don’t know how many times you’ve had this conversation with your roommate. Most of the time, it was convenient to have a roommate whose parents were loaded and sent him monthly installments that looked more like small loans than allowances. You knew he just wanted to help. Heck, he probably would be willing to pay them off for you without the promiscuous favor, but you had made it clear to Jimin that you wouldn’t be riding off of his charity.

“Ugh, Y/N you’re really no fun”, he sighs, falling backwards onto your twin-sized bed and feigning devastation. You reward his melodrama with a giggle, ruffling your hands through his fried hair. Jimin had a knack for changing his hair color as quickly as his mood.

You look at the bill that’s staring back at you from your computer screen, and it feels like it’s just reached out and punched you in the face. “Hey do you think it’s a common mistake for bank tellers to add a few too many zeroes?”

“Y/N.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m rationalizing as a self-defense mechanism.” Sometimes it was annoying that your roommate had a degree in psychology. Then again, Jimin was making more money than you and your degree in English.

You sigh deeply and look up at the ceiling in attempts to quell your tears of frustration. And also because it is a plea to whoever is up there controlling your destiny: please I’m begging you. Melt my debt away.

You and Jimin sit in comfortable silence and he plays with the hem of your worn comforter while you scroll through the emails you have been ignoring in your inbox. You want to smash your head in at all the deadlines. Times like these, there is one thing that brings you comfort and always has since you turned 18.

The quaint little crescent moon that sits right atop your radius.

You had a habit of pressing your thumb against it and feeling your pulse against the mark, stupidly wondering if your soulmate’s heartbeat has synched up with your own. If he was out there somewhere, touching his mark and wondering the same about you. He was taking his sweet time, that’s for sure. Jimin sees your nervous tic and sighs again.

“You’re so hopelessly romantic it makes me want to barf, Y/N.” You scowl at his words and chuck a pillow at his unsuspecting face.

“I don’t understand you, Jimin. Your soulmate is out there and you’re not the slightest bit curious? You don’t want to do anything extra to find them?” Jimin looks at you with a knowing smile.

“That’s exactly it, though. I know they’re my soulmate and I’ll find them when the time is right. So why worry about it? It’s better not to force anything.” His statement is followed up with a grin and his fingers reach out to pinch your cheeks. This was the dynamic of your friendship. He is easy-going and flows like a careless river. You’ve read one too many books to not vie and daydream for the moment you lock eyes with your soulmate.

Your mom always said that you’ll know just from a look. It’s like getting hit over the head with a ray of sun, she said. Like suddenly their eyes are the only eyes you ever want to look into again. Since then, you’ve dreamt for the day you find someone with that same moon on their wrist. For now though, you had more immediate concerns more along the lines of crippling debt.

“What do I do, Jimin? Should I be a stripper?” He laughs and the thought makes you groan. You couldn’t even walk in heels, much less try to dance or look like you didn’t have two left feet. Stripper life just wasn’t for you.

“Hm...I could call in a few favors for you at the office. Get you an internship or secretary position.”

“Maybe. Too much nepotism. Your father owns the office you work at”, you remind him, and his eyebrows crease further in thought. God, maybe you do have to be a stripper.

“Wait!” Jimin yelps so suddenly you almost fling the computer off your lap.

“I think I know someone. He’s been looking for a model for his art portfolio or something, and he said he’s willing to pay.” Jimin reaches for his phone and his thumbs type up a storm while you watch from the sideline.

“I think he mentioned it’s about a month-long project. You’d just have to be on call whenever a stroke of genius arrives.”

“That sounds great! I’m an amazing model!” you crow, to which Jimin giggles again.

“The several candids I have in my camera roll tell a different story, Y/N.” Naturally, he receives another pillow to the face. But you follow up with a cheery kiss to his cheek as you rejoice in the new opportunity for cash flow by a celebratory dance, which looks more like a wiggle when you remain seated on your bed.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”, you chirped, “I owe you one.”

“Hey...I know how you can repay me.”

When you look towards him, his eyebrows are raised inquisitively and there’s a devilish smirk on his lips.

Jimin gets a third pillow to his face that day.

◓

Jungkook’s favorite type of arguments to get into is whether Neo-classicism or post-impressionism had the most impact on European art and architecture. Call him a snob, but he loves to prattle on about Degas and Caillebotte until his opponent tires or concedes out of pure exhaustion. Jungkook regards it as a battle strategy: bore your enemy so that they stop fighting.

He’s in the middle of a heated debate with his classmate from graduate school when he receives a phone call from Park Jimin. Now, Jungkook has no idea how or when Jimin became an installment in his life, or how he’s roped his way into his inner circle. He just remembers waking up one day with a killer hangover and finding that there was a pink-haired stranger lying on his floor. When he tried to shoo him out, the stranger shoved a wad of money in his shirt pocket, muttering “just five more minutes”, and Jungkook was in no position to deny easy cash. Jungkook now considers Jimin one of his close friends.

“What’s up, Jiminie?” He laughs into the microphone.

“I told you not to call me that, you brat. I’m older than you.”

“I’m taller than you.”

“My dick is bigger.”

“I-okay fine you got me there.” He hears Jimin wheeze over the line as he tries to rein himself in to say what he needs to say.

“In all seriousness, though. I have a proposition for you.” Jimin lilts in a mischievous tone, which makes Jungkook nervous enough to get up from the café table he had been sitting at with his friend and careen to a quieter corner.

“Shoot.”

“Okay, so you know how you were telling me about your portfolio for the gallery. The one you have to submit by the end of the season? How you needed a model on call 24/7 in case inspiration struck?”

Jungkook wants him to spit it out because he has been searching high mountains and low valleys for someone that would be willing to be his muse for a month or two. Constantly at his beck and call so he can finish this damn portfolio and get his name out there in the art world. Maybe start debating post-impressionism with the cream of the crop.

“I think I’ve found someone to do that for you.” Jungkook exhales in relief at his words.

“She’s my roommate and she’s super low on cash and unemployed with a bachelor’s in English literature, so she’s got time to spare.” Perfect. That way, Jungkook can call her whenever he needs to.

“That’s amazing, Jiminie. Can she meet me at the art building tomorrow at noon? We can start right away.” Jungkook breathes through the phone, a small weight coming off his shoulders now that another thing had been accomplished. One less thing he had to worry about on the journey to his goal. Jimin confirms the plans and they exchange pleasantries before Jungkook hangs up as the man on the other line starts screaming about his burning lunch on the stove.

Jungkook catches sight of the mark on his wrist when he looks down, and quickly rearranges his bracelets so that it is once again covered to his eyes. Out of sight and out of mind.

The gallery portfolio had been a thorn in his side. It had been months in the making and if he allows himself to reminisce, Jungkook remembers the nights he and Yoojung stayed up until dawn and talked about his blossoming interest in art. How he wanted a space of his own to display his works. Back then, she listened to him with stars in her eyes and basked in the afterglow of post-coital cuddling, promising that she would help him achieve it.

His heart sinks at the memory of the imprint of her tresses of hair spilling on his bedspread. He burned those sheets the second she left.

Jungkook represses his intrusive thoughts about Yoojung and wills her to get out of his head. He forces it down until it feels like he’s just dumped ice water over his heart and vomited out any semblance of emotion. He makes his way back to the cafe table with a sly smile that hides the internal ache he’s promised himself to never let anyone suspect of.

“So what were you saying about Renoir’s Moulin de la Galette?”

◑

The art building is situated besides a library, with a bakery flanking its left. Two years spent at the university, and you’ve never once stepped foot there. Maybe it was the daunting abstract sculpture on the front lawn or the prejudices you held against annoying art snobs on their high horses, but you often found yourself subconsciously avoiding the space in intimidation.

“Okay, Y/N, you’re going to do this so you can pay off your loans”, you whisper under your breath, words meant for your ears and no one else’s. “And if he asks you to pose nude, you run the opposite direction.”

It was easy to get lost in the building. For art students that know how to draw, they really took advantage of abstractionism to make the most confusing map you had ever seen in your life. Luckily, with some direction from the vapid front desk secretary and some intuition, you were able to to find room 62B. You don’t think you’ll be able to forget the number 62B if you tried, Jimin had screamed it to you so many times as you left the apartment.

The door soundlessly opens with a nudge of your hand and you stick your head inside.

“You know when Jimin told me he found me a model, he didn’t mention her lack of punctuality.” His voice is calm and subdued with no lingering annoyance, even if his words are uncourteous. You whip around to him and the first sight you see of Jeon Jungkook is merely a tuft of brown hair behind a vast canvas. And some expensive looking leather boots that anchor his feet to the ground.

You clear your throat and approach with an outstretched hand and the shiniest smile you can muster.

“I’m Y/N. Jimin’s roommate. It’s nice to meet you.”

“You can call me Jungkook.”

It is when he steps out from behind the canvas that you finally understand what your mother meant when she said meeting your soulmate feels like getting hit over the head with a ray of sunshine. You can’t describe it any other way, but that’s exactly what it feels like. Like the air becomes so sweet in your lungs it turns to viscous honey. Like suddenly the person standing in front of you is Valentine, encapsulated.

You know he feels it too, yet you don’t know why he forces himself to remain blasé, and if you hadn’t seen his widened eyes and heard the gasp from his lips you would have never suspected anything at all. Stranger courtesy is abandoned and you forcefully grab his wrist, turning it over to find his mark while pulling up your sleeve to reveal your own.

A little black crescent moon.

Right on the pulse point.

Just like your’s.

When you finally muster up the nerve to look into his eyes again, you wonder if it is healthy for the human heart to beat so fast and so thunderously it feels ready to jump out of your chest. Jungkook, however, still wears that same expression on his face. Flat and cold, not even a glimmer in his eyes. He stares at you disinterested and wrenches his wrist from your grasp.

“Wait, Jungkook...aren’t you….”, you sputter through a desperate smile, “aren’t you happy?” He stays silent and trains his attention on the canvas in front of him, but you can see the conflict that swirls in his iris.

“I’ve been looking for you for so long! And I’ve finally found you. In the art building no less, just my luck that-”

“Y/N, I don’t know what you expect from me but I’m not looking for anything right now.”

There were no objectively ugly words. But you think the ones that have just spewed from Jungkook’s lips come pretty close. They stoke a fire in your chest.

“What do you mean? We’re soulmates”, you faltered, sinking deeper into confusion as you stare at the unaffected man in front of you, whose only concern is the conglomerate of paint on his palette.

Jungkook sighs monotonously. Almost as if he had better things to do than be here.

“It’s only a mark on your wrist. And we just happen to have the same one. Amazing that you still think somehow one single person was made entirely just for you.” His words are bored and he doesn’t even have the decency to look you in the eye when he speaks. You think you might want to punch him if you weren’t so speechless.

“Look”, he sighs as if you were inconveniencing him, “I’m not going to sugarcoat it and tell you that I’m the one you’ve been looking for this whole time. We have the same mark, but...I’m not the guy you want.”

“B-But...I’m your soulmate. We-we’re made for each other.”

Jungkook scoffs harshly, and you want to sink into the ground. “That’s just a silly myth.”

“So you don’t...believe in soulmates?” The words felt wrong to say when all your life, finding your soulmate felt like the ribbon at the end of the finish line. But here he was now, and you felt so small under his gaze. Like you weren’t meant to be there and standing in the same room with him was a concoction for heartbreak.

“No.”

Jungkook’s syllable pangs in your ear, and you think it might be your least favorite sound. Then you leave. And if it was hard for you to meet your soulmate - the person who you’re destined to be with - who doesn’t believe in you, then walking away from him was a different cross to bear.

You take the bus home and ignore the glare of strangers when you burst into tears at a red light, and cry the rest of the way back. Your mother hadn’t described this. She prosed on and on about the feeling one gets after finding a soulmate but never mentioned to you how it feels when you find out they want nothing to do with you. What do you do when you realize the person you’ve been chasing for forever has been trying to run away at the same time?

Jimin holds you together that night on your bedroom floor, while you break apart and scratch at the moon on your wrist until your skin breaks. He listens to the words you sputter; as much as he can decipher when they are drowned out by the painful sound of your sobbing. Jungkook’s beliefs bleed into your consciousness. Perhaps he is right and perhaps there is no such thing as true soulmates, and the marks are obsolete.

However, when you fall asleep in your friend’s arms from the physical fatigue of violent crying and the sheer mental exhaustion of meeting Jeon Jungkook, your mind comes to a more painful conclusion.

A more truthful conclusion.

Your soulmate only needed to meet you to decide that he did not want you.

◒

Jungkook doesn’t believe in soulmates. He thinks they’re a stupid coy to give people false hope. An illusion to feign happiness and to take Yoojung away from someone she genuinely loved. Though in the hours of the night, when he is by himself and the bed feels too big for one body, Jungkook wonders if there is truly a reason why someone has an identical moon on their wrist. But he is still so broken and unhealed from the wounds Yoojung left behind.

So instead of soulmates, he thinks about what she must be doing. If she’s eating well. If she’s moved in with her own soulmate and if they’re happy together. Jungkook is an involuntary masochist and he pays for it with every pillowcase that becomes stained with his tears.

He sighs out an expletive after downing a shot of whiskey, relishing in the familiar burn as it slides down his throat. Alcohol doesn’t seem to be working efficiently, though. He’s only barely tipsy after years in college building tolerance, and he can still see your face each time he blinks. Like you are imprinted on the back of his eyelids. Jungkook wonders why Jimin had cancelled on the group tonight.

There is a little devil called remorse and it stands atop his shoulder, unseen by everyone but him, and Jungkook decides he will get rid of it by calling another round of shots. From his seat in the dirty booth, he can see Min Yoongi and his soulmate practically dry humping on the dance floor. If anyone asks him if he ever gets jealous seeing soulmates happy and in love, he’ll laugh in their face and tell them he pities people like that. People that are so blinded by the system. But loneliness is a stern mistress and it makes him think of you. How lovely the moon looks on your wrist. How your hand felt so warm when it caressed against his skin.

He tips his head back again. Vodka this time.

“Dude, are you okay?”

To his right comes Kim Taehyung, designated driver extraordinaire, and he looks at Jungkook with friendly concern laced with amusement. Jungkook nods contentedly.

“Soulmates are so bullshit, Tae”, he snickers, fingers tracing the rim of the shot glass and smirk on his face to mask the bitterness of both the alcohol and his heart. Taehyung spares a knowing glance, resting a hand on his friend’s shoulder with the weight of knowledge of Jungkook’s past.

The night is young and so is he. He drinks until he can no longer taste the liquor and forgets altogether about what had happened only a couple of hours before. Until the crescent mark on his skin just looks like a shapeless black blob, and it makes him smile. He thinks he likes it better that way.

Taehyung drops him home and personally tucks him into bed while he is still in jeans and his shirt smells like the bar. His sleep is dreamless that night. When the morning comes and his friends tease him about how he begged Taehyung not to leave, Jungkook will laugh and blame the alcohol for his foggy memory. He won’t tell them that he does remember, and that he was only grasping at any warm body to soothe his aching loneliness.

◐

Usually when he first opens his eyes in the morning, Jungkook is thinking about the next class he has to attend and if he is late (which is usually most of the time). This morning, albeit morbidly hungover, Jungkook thinks of the apple strudels they sell at the bakery next to the art building. Mrs. Kim always gets the pastry to filling ratio just right. But when he opens the door with a jubilant smile on his face and the scent of baked goods already in his nostrils, Jungkook has a feeling apple strudels will have to wait.

There you are. In all your messy-haired glory, huffing like a caged bull in the doorway of his apartment, fiery gaze directed completely at him and all he can think to say is:

“How do you know where I live?” Jungkook schools his face expressionless in your presence. He hopes this will discourage you, but it only makes you angrier.

“Park Jimin”, you snarl.

Of fucking course, it’s always Park Jimin. Jimin who drunkenly sleeps in his bedroom and now Jimin who is leaking his address to any stranger.

“Um”, Jungkook stammers and takes a step back, “what are you doing here? Didn’t I get my point through yesterday?” He can see the statement catching you off guard, and the fury in your eyes dwindles to dejection. Only for a millisecond though, before you are aiming your wrath at him once again.

You take a deep breath. “What is wrong with you?”

Jungkook can think of a lot of answers to that query. He opts to interpret it as a rhetorical question and keep his mouth shut.

“You just...found your soulmate! I’m your soulmate! And you don’t even want to get to know me? At all?”, you scream exasperatedly. Jungkook catches the gaze of a middle aged lady who is not-so-discreetly staring at the two of you, and pulls you inside his apartment by your arm. If you weren’t so frustrated, you would have been flustered at the physical contact.

“Listen. Soulmates don’t end up together all the time. I’ve told you I’m not really interested in anything right now and it’s not a priority”, he takes a breath through his passionate monologue, “and I’m sorry that that’s not something you expected, but I….don’t want a soulmate.”

Maybe...he just doesn’t want you.

When he says them out loud to a living breathing person, Jungkook realizes how cruel it sounds. He can see it in the way your eyes have become glossy under his living room lights and the way you shrink into yourself as self-defense against his blows. He rationalizes that he’d rather tell you the truth than lie to you now, only to hurt you later. Really, he’s doing you a kindness. Right?

You turn your back to him to gather your thoughts, and wipe the tears that you refuse to let him see. The salty drops sting the raw skin of your wrist after last night, and you are brutally reminded of the current reality. His brutal honesty makes you want to abandon all hope, but you were a woman with a plan. You came here for a reason, not to just lose your temper in your soulmate’s apartment and tell him what you really thought about him.

“I have a proposition for you”, you asserted calmly, staring Jungkook in the eye as he remains unbothered.

“Now I reckon something’s happened to you to make you lose all your faith in soulmates, so I’m not forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do.” Your eyebrows furrow when you speak focusedly.

“We don’t have to be together. That’s your will. But…”, you hesitate, pushing past the uncertainty and fear of another rejection from Jungkook, “will you let me at least try? You don’t have to promise anything. Can we just start as friends?”

Naturally, Jungkook wants to shoot down your offer, kick you out of his apartment, and pretend like he never met anyone by the name of Y/N. Call it divine intervention but when he looks at you, pleading for any semblance of connection, he feels a tug at his heart strings. So Jungkook makes another promise to himself. He would let you “try”, whatever that entails. But there was no virtual possibility of letting you any closer than necessary.

You both stand in contemplative silence before he lets out a resigned sigh. “On one condition”, he responds slowly, but there is already a premature grin growing on your face and you don’t think you could stop it even if you tried.

“You still have to be my model for the art portfolio.”

You agree before he even gets to take another breath.

“Deal.”

When you finally make your way out of Jungkook’s apartment, parting ways with an awkward number exchange and a ‘see you later’, there is a simultaneous feeling of hope and desolation. The optimism for Jungkook combines with the insecurity that perhaps you, just as you are, is not nearly enough to make someone fall in love. Especially someone who disregards their soul connection to you.

You walk back to your apartment with a heavy heart that warms with embers of determination. Jeon Jungkook was an enigma. A Bastille fortress of self-defense mechanisms and destructive tendencies, and you know that there is unresolved pain. Call it a soulmate instinct or something, but you see it in his eyes. You see it in the way his face begs to show emotion but his mind refuses to acknowledge.

You know Jungkook is not obligated to accept you after the dust settles, much less fall in love with you. Under the peach blossoms of the campus sidewalk, you make a promise anyway. To yourself and to your soulmate and the silly little mark on the inside of your wrist. Even if he does not love you, you vow to help Jungkook learn to love himself.

◓

When you are harshly woken up at 5:30 in the morning, the last person you expected to be blowing up your phone was Jeon Jungkook. If it weren’t for the pure exhaustion seeping through your bones, you would have been excited about your soulmate calling you. Alas, slumber was your soulmate now. Jungkook would have to step down.

On the other side of the paper thin wall, Jimin is frustratedly banging from his room, your ringtone reverberating throughout the entire apartment. You pick up his call without even opening your eyes.

“Hello?”

“Y/N I need you to come to my apartment as soon as you can.” There is no sleepiness in his voice. Just clean and cold like it always is and he has hung up before you get the chance to scold him for waking you up at this unholy hour. You’re about to give him a piece of your mind but you remember he is paying you very handsomely for your efforts, and reluctantly drag yourself out of bed to call an uber. Thank god he doesn’t live too far away otherwise you’ll stick a foot through his canvas for the transportation bill.

The front of Jungkook’s apartment door is strangely therapeutic, and you find yourself falling asleep standing up after you’ve rung the doorbell. Either time passes too slowly when you are sleep-drunk or Jungkook moves to get the door as quickly as your grandfather does. Whatever the case, you are about to pass out on his doorstep if he doesn’t come soon.

“Y/N, why are you just standing there? The door has been open.”

“Jungkook. Why are you making me do this so early?”, you yawn, pushing inside the apartment.

Jungkook takes in your discombobulated appearance, and almost wants to laugh. You were still in your pajamas, and the bun on your head now looked more like a heaping blob that drooped down your temple. It was obvious that you had just rolled out of bed and he almost feels bad for disturbing your sleep, but he does not decide when his strokes of inspiration spontaneously appear.

The living room is bombarded with Jungkook’s art supplies and stray canvases, and you take note of the clay sculpting table that blends in as furniture next to his kitchen. You plop yourself down on the stool across from Jungkook’s easel, eyes still half closed and impossibly tired.

In this moment, Jungkook wipes the fact that you are his soulmate from his mind. He needs to do the portfolio. That is all he’s keeping you around for, and the only reason he agreed to your plan was so that you would remain his art model.

In the silence of his makeshift art studio, Jungkook paints whatever comes to his mind, referencing your figure on the stool for the curves he can never get right without a model and need for a human presence to translate onto his canvas. You become more lucid as time goes by and the sun starts to rise from outside his window, sitting up straighter and paying more attention to his concentrated face as Jungkook pours himself into his creation.

Looking at him in this light, you realize that he is beautiful. And not just because he’s your soulmate. Jungkook’s hair is scruffy and stubbled, undereyes sporting impressive dark circles. But the way he caresses the paintbrush and the way his body moves to the beat of the painting is poetic. He glances at you sporadically, eyes darting to and fro to capture as much as he can before the creativity burns out. He is beautiful and it makes your heart ache to know that he does not want you. In spite of the bond the universe has created.

You wonder if in his focused hazed, he notices the new glaze across your eyes and the silent sound of your soul calling out for his. You wipe away the first dripping tear as quickly as it came. You know Jungkook sees, but does not bat an eye and you can’t tell if you’d rather prefer him to acknowledge it.

It’s 8:00am when he puts the paintbrush down, takes a step back, and surveys his work. His eyes trail over each organic line and areas where he decided to use burnishing instead of cross hatching. It’s far from perfect, but it’s enough.

“Okay. You’re free to go”, he announces, plucking the painting off the easel and resting it against the wall, hidden from your eyes.

“W-What? That’s it?”, you sigh disappointedly, “you’re not even going to let me see it?” Jungkook shrugs. His detachedness makes you want to rip your hair out and sob into your pillow at the same time. You don’t understand how a person could be so unfazed.

“S’not ready for debut. Thanks for showing up, though.” He doesn’t spare you another glance. Just goes back to cleaning his brushes and dumping out the glasses of murky paint water. You ignore the twinge of hurt in your chest and slide off the stool.

“Okay, fine. Now it’s my turn. Would you like to go have some breakfast?”, you smile expectantly to Jungkook, who stares at you with an indifferent gaze. His first instinct is to make up a half-assed excuse to get out of this, eager to detach himself from you as much as possible and avoid any more interaction. However, he was insanely hungry, and the glimmer in your eye just looks so hopeful even Jungkook couldn’t bear to shoot you down.

He sighs with resignation. A little breakfast couldn’t hurt, and he wasn’t going with you necessarily. You were just...going to the same cafe in the same direction as him and likely sitting at the same table. Yeah, that’s it.

“Hurry up, I’m hungry.”

“Wait...actually?”

You blinked in shock at his lack of resistance.

“Yes. Now come on. I know a place with really great apple strudels.”

You weren’t aware that by ‘breakfast’, Jungkook actually meant sitting in complete silence and wolfing down food like your life depends on it. You want to be grossed out when he inhales 3 apple strudels in less than 10 minutes, crumbs flaking on his shirt without a care in the world. Yet you just feel endeared. The sight makes you smile. And maybe if Jungkook did not detest you, you would have leaned over and kissed the cinnamon sugar right off his lips.

“So….”, you sip on a sweet coffee, “Jimin told me you’re going for a masters in art history?”

Jungkook nods halfway through a bite of his pastry. “Yup.”

“Is it something you’re really passionate about?” you inquire, desperately wanting the conversation to delve into something that wasn’t so surface level.

“Uh huh.”

“What are some other things you’re interested in besides art?”

“Totally.”

Jungkook is completely clueless. He only spares glances to the windows and occasional looks to his oh so precious breakfast treats. You want to slap him and be angry, but you only sigh. It shouldn’t be so hard to talk to your soulmate, yet it felt like trying to pull teeth when he was so completely disinterested in you. You wonder if this is worth it.

You look up at him from your steaming cappuccino cup and use your wildcard.

“In my opinion, Botticelli’s Birth of Venus did little for the Italian Renaissance movement.”

Your statement almost has Jungkook falling backwards in his chair and choking on a piece of fruit filling, eyes growing as wide as saucers when he finally processes what you just said. A flaming insult to the entire art historian community.

“What do you know about Botticelli?”, he sneers, and you internally celebrate for this is the most emotion Jungkook has shown since meeting you.

“I know that his work supposedly epitomizes the spirit of the Renaissance”, you swirl the coffee in your cup nonchalantly, lips curving into a knowing smirk. “But if you ask me, Bellini’s San Giobbe Altarpiece did much more to encapsulate the values of 15th century Italy.”

Jungkook’s speechless expression is one that you want to take a snapshot of and frame it to your wall. It is glorious, and arguably more artful to you than Botticelli himself. So what, you had conveniently forgot to mention to him about the class you took junior year of college, with a professor that made you engrave the fundamentals of Italian painting in your brain. It’s so much more gratifying to see him stunned silent.

Across the table from you, Jungkook feels a warm smile itching to display itself. Before it can appear, he disguises it as a cold smirk. He feels something akin to a butterfly at the pit of his stomach, but blames it on indigestion and the inhuman pace at which he devoured his breakfast. Yeah that must be it. There was no way he was feeling butterflies.

He cracks his knuckles, raises his cup to gulp down a lukewarm green tea, and rests his elbows on the table separating the both of you.

“I don’t suppose you could tell me your thoughts on the influences of neo-classicism in the 18th century?”

◑

“No, Y/N, turn to your left a little”, Jungkook frustratedly sighs behind the camera lens.

“Your left or my left?”

He pauses. “....left.”

To any outside eye, you and Jungkook look like two buffoons trying to take pictures on what might possibly be the windiest day of the season, under the peach blossom trees. Jungkook had called you earlier that day and stressed about how he needed mixed media in his beloved portfolio, and photographs were the next topic of interest. Though you couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just set out a fruit bowl on his windowsill and call it still life photography.

Jungkook stares down at his camera, dissatisfaction clear on his face. You almost want to apologize for your abhorrent modeling skills but hey, he was the one that chose you.

“Hmm...try staring at that boat in the distance”, he dictates, standing beside you and aiming the lens at your side profile. You do as he asks, but don’t hear the shutter of the camera. Jungkook sighs again and leans forward, so close you could feel his warm breath hitting your skin. You hope he doesn’t notice the beet blush on your cheeks.

Jungkook’s hands meet your chin when he uses it to slightly tilt your face downwards. He positions you in the way that he wants you to pose and you finally understand why photography is considered an art. Because it’s almost as if Jungkook is molding you like clay, to get the silhouette he wants to capture with his camera lens. The day is brisk, but his skin on your’s lights you on fire.

“Okay, that’s…..that’s perfect”, Jungkook breathes, hurriedly picking up the camera that had been hanging onto his neck by the strap and angling it. At the moment his index finger presses down on the button, there is a gust of wind that surrounds the both of you.

The breeze loosens a strand of your hair and it falls into your eyes. You let your eyes drift close for a second, smiling into the cold air that tingles on your skin. Jungkook’s breath catches in his throat and he thanks the skies for the howling wind so you wouldn’t be able to hear his thumping heartbeat. But surely it’s only because it’s cold. And absolutely nothing else. Jungkook coughs inconspicuously to snap himself out of his trance, sighing in relief when he realizes your eyes are still closed and that you hadn’t noticed his internal struggle.

He drags you to a bridge next and makes you lay on the cold wood to which you vehemently object before you remember that he’s paying you and that you want him to fall in love with you, not dislike you more than he already does. After the bridge, Jungkook makes you kneel beside the park pond and dip your hand in the icy water and you find yourself wanting to do the same thing to his precious camera.

Before the two of you have realized, the sun sets into the horizon and tinges the sky in a combination of purples and pinks that Jungkook himself has a hard time replicating on canvas. He aims his lens at the clouds and takes a picture that he knows won’t make it into his gallery. He just felt the need to have something to remember this day by. For no reason in particular…

A buzzing coming from your coat pocket alerts you both of the time that has passed and how the sky has considerably darkened since you began the session. When you fish your phone out, Jimin’s contact photo is staring back at you while the marimba ringtone continues playing. You put the phone on speaker.

“Hey Jiminie”, you smile and Jungkook catches a glance of it. And the discomfort in his chest is definitely, 100%, not jealousy. Not at all.

“I told you not to call me that! What is with you younger people and your disrespect for the elderly?” The corner of Jungkook’s lips twitch into a subtle smile at the similarity of your’s and his conversations with Jimin.

“Okay, okay, grandpa. What’s up?”

“Can you come home ASAP? I may or may not have broken the stove trying to make soup.”

The redundancy of his confession makes you sigh, as Park Jimin desecrating your shared kitchen space was not a rare occurrence by any means.

“I’ll be right there”, you chided through the line, “please do not cook anything else before I arrive.”

“Thanks Y/N-ie, you’re the best!” Jimin’s voice is far too cheery and you make a mental note to nag him a little extra when you get home. The phone call is ended promptly and you turn around to Jungkook, eyes widening in surprise when he has already packed up all his photography gear. The sky had turned dark and the streetlights had been turned on to illuminate the park. If you had craned your neck upwards, you would have noticed the stars that awoke again to shine down upon the city. But you didn’t. You only saw the stars that were twinkling in Jungkook’s eyes.

“Uh”, he stammers, “I’ll walk you home. It’s late.”

“Oh! Uh...Thanks.” Though he was still cold and indifferent, your heart jumped in elation. Perhaps this could be considered baby steps.

The trip home is quiet, only the sounds of your tandem footsteps on pavement and the rustle of a breeze through tree leaves fill the space of silence. But the quiet is not uncomfortable. Just a bit awkward as you two try to figure out how to be around one another. Jungkook’s hands are shoved in his pockets and your fingers itch to intertwine themselves around his own. To press your soulmate marks together and feel them calling out to each other. But you and Jungkook are anything but normal soulmates. For you are already head over heels in love with him and he is adamant on not sparing you a crumb of affection.

To your disdain, the apartment was closer than you thought and the short walk with Jungkook ended before it really even began. You could practically hear Jimin’s impatience emanating from the third story of the building.

“So I’ll see you later?”, you smile meekly. Jungkook readjusts the strap of his camera bag before nodding. He is walking away before you turn around to enter the apartment building and even though it was something small and mundane, you wished he would have waited to see you get in safely. You make your way inside, more downcast than you had been before.

You don’t see when Jungkook turns around. You don’t feel the reassurance that washes over him when the door shuts safely behind you.

That night, Jungkook is reminded far too much of Yoojung. When he goes to make his usual chamomile, he finds her mug at the very back of the tea cabinet. She must have forgotten it when she packed up her stuff. When he spoons in the sugar, he remembers how Yoojung drinks her tea with honey instead. And when he feels himself start to fall apart, he remembers how Yoojung is not there to keep him together.

Jungkook pushes away his pain, abandons the lukewarm mug of tea, and opts for an early bedtime to sleep away the ache. The camera sitting on his nightstand, though, beckons him to look over the photos you both had taken that afternoon.

In the moment, he had been dissatisfied with the pictures, always thinking there must be a better angle or a better position you could shift into. However when he looks down at his camera now, in the quiet and solemnity of his bedroom, Jungkook can’t help but to think they are absolutely perfect.

He doesn’t know whether to credit his own artistic skill or you; for breathing life into his photographs. It’s the lines of your hands, the slope of your nose, and the stray strands of your hair that makes his pictures more human.

The ones he ends up picking though, are not perfectly staged and not the ones where he made you change the position of your stance for 10 minutes. No, the best pictures were the ones he took without you noticing. When you had just been enjoying the cool breeze or admiring the beauty of peach blossom season. When you point out a cool looking bird and when you stared annoyedly past the cameras lens (at him no doubt).

Yoojung is gone from his mind for just a tiny fleeting moment. For little reason at all, Jungkook finds himself smiling. And there is only the company of the moon to see it.

◒

It is ten o’ clock in the morning and Jungkook comes to a realization that in the couple weeks since he has met you, he has sighed more times than he has in the past 23 years of life. Jungkook sighs when you text him first thing in the morning about the dream you had the night before and describe it in painfully vivid details. He leaves them unanswered. Sometimes he wished you would just email him the google document instead. He sighs when you fidget in your seat when he’s trying to paint and keep focus, but you are only interested in asking him the snacks he has in his fridge or when he’s going to finish. He sighs when you and Jimin collectively trash his art studio by spamming his $1,000 camera with ugly face pictures and sword fighting with his sable paint brushes. Jungkook often has a hard time believing that both of you are in graduate school.

Today, he sighs when you bombard into room 62B of the art building; what is supposed to be Jungkook’s completely zen and peaceful creative space. You are tiptoeing around him as you always do, scared that you’ll do something to set him off and your soulmate will disown you for good. He glances at you once, eyes quickly darting back to the sculpture he is molding on the clay table and saying nothing.

“There’s a new cafe that just opened right across from the apple strudel place”, you gulp tensely. “I was gonna go check out the competition.” Your words seem deaf to Jungkook’s ear and he only furrows his eyebrows, fingers fussing over the mass of clay. There was just something he couldn’t get right. He didn’t know what it was.

Jungkook pushes away the sculpture frustratedly, wipes his hands on his apron, and finally looks at you. Maybe he did need a break and come back to it with fresh eyes. That’s all it was, though. A break. He wasn’t going because you asked him to.

“They better have blonde roast otherwise you’ll be compensating me for my time.” Jungkook is as ruthless and blunt as ever and you decide to look past it as you always do. Him agreeing to go with you was a mini success.

“Welcome in! You’ve stopped by at the perfect time. The strawberry scones have just been taken out of the oven!” The cafe employee is far too enthusiastic for receiving minimum wage and greeting grumpy people off the streets who just want to be caffeinated. His name tag reads Jung Hoseok.

“Oh, strawberry is my favorite”, you whisper, the statement only meant for your ears but Jungkook picks up on it anyway. He declines to tell you that strawberry is his favorite as well. Hoseok’s eyes light up when you and Jungkook approach the entrance, like he finally succeeded at luring a customer.

The cafe isn’t anything special. A bit more modern compared to the one across the street and you think you prefer the latter because this new one doesn’t have the owner’s handsome son standing at the cash register. He may not be your soulmate, but even you had to admit Kim Seokjin was a beautiful man if there ever was one. However, this cafe is warm and has ceiling length windows that let in an obscene amount of sunlight. Jungkook makes a mental note to try some pictures here in the future.

Jungkook’s phone buzzes in his pocket and you are already leaving him behind in the dust, walking straight to the counter and peering up at the menu deep in thought. You turn around to see that he is immersed in mysterious conversation, and take it upon yourself to order him a drink.

“I’ll have a matcha latte. And uh…”, you decide, trailing off as you wonder what kind of drink Jungkook would enjoy. “And an iced vanilla mocha latte, extra whipped cream, extra chocolate syrup. Do you guys have rainbow sprinkles?”

A little sugar never hurt anyone. Especially someone so often bitter like your one and only soulmate.

When Jungkook hangs up and makes his way to the corner table where you are situated, the sight of the concoction on the table is enough to give him an instant cavity. You hide your smile behind the mug of matcha. He grumbles and sits down swiftly, sticking the straw past his lips in defiance and you can only watch expectantly.

“Well…do you like it?”

This is when Jungkook realizes you didn’t order this to spite him. You just had completely zero idea what he liked and disliked and chose the first thing you thought was best. As cold as he is, he doesn’t have the heart to tell you that when he drinks coffee, he likes it black. No cream, no sugar, and the darkest roast with the most caffeine to push him through those nights spent in front of a canvas or over a clay table.

Jungkook fights to keep steady from the ambush of sugar and wills himself to swallow it down. There is sticky chocolate syrup on his hands and it feels cosmically more uncomfortable than paint. But Jungkook manages to look up at you and nod, to which you reward with a smile.

“I knew you would like it”, you say smugly, giving yourself a mental pat on the back. “You look like you have a giant sweet tooth.” There is a mellow giggle that follows your statement. Jungkook feels a flutter at the bottom of his stomach, and convinces himself it’s only because it sounds so much like Yoojung. He catches sight of the moon on your wrist, and pushes the feeling away even farther.

The two of you spend the rest of the midday there, tucked away in a corner of a cafe and losing track of time as you always do. Jungkook finds himself forgetting about the mountains of work he has to do to finish his art gallery portfolio, and the unfinished sculpture back at the studio that’s just not right.

Today, he allows himself to enjoy your presence and get to know you more. Your favorite color is yellow. You had a dog named Benny when you were a child. You detest beer with a passion, but enjoy a nightly glass of pinot grigio. Jungkook barely notices when the entire cup of coffee has disappeared. Every last rainbow sprinkle.

On second thought, he feels that maybe there was something sweeter than his unexpectedly delicious iced vanilla mocha latte with extra whipped cream. Maybe that something was sitting right across from him, rambling about the fundamentals of English literature with unexplained vigor.

Jungkook’s soul feels lighter when he goes to bed that night. And when he finally succumbs to Morpheus, his last lucid thought is of you; sun beams coming from the large cafe windows that comb through your hair. He looks at you through his mind’s eye and all he can see is the potential heartbreak you have the power to put him through. The fan of your eyelashes. The curve of your smile. The plush of your lips. All he can see is Yoojung as she crushes his soul in her bare hands.

Yet in the midst of his internal conflict, Jungkook’s subconscious allows him to fall in love with you a little bit. Perhaps not love just yet, but affection. Like a toe dip in uncharted waters or sticking his finger in a bowl of creamy cake batter just for a taste. The walls he has built are still there, strong as ever, but perhaps a couple bricks look a bit askew. He doesn’t know, but his soul calls out to your’s through the fortress.

◐

“Y/N I don’t know why you thought this was a good idea.”

“Oh hush, just close your eyes and point where your heart tells you to.”

In the lobby of a train station, facing a map and an ETA board is where you and Jungkook will be embarking on your next “date but not really because you don’t believe in soulmates so let’s just hang out”. It had taken a good two hours of nagging and whining on your part to convince him to abandon his portfolio for just a little bit to go an outing. Now standing here, with you excitedly bouncing next to him and a mystery destination, Jungkook feels something akin to utter regret.

“What if I choose somewhere that’s a thousand miles away? Or just in the middle of nowhere?”, Jungkook groans, still putting up an unbothered and cold front.

“Well then we will go somewhere that’s a thousand miles away or in the middle of nowhere”, you quipped back at him. Jungkook had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to get out of this one.

He reluctantly places a hand over his eyes, sighing with resignation before pointing to a random spot on the map. There is a giggle that sounds to his left and Jungkook finds himself wanting to hear more.

“Wonderful choice”, you smiled, “couldn’t have picked it better myself.”

Jungkook peeked his eyes open one at a time, scared of seeing what his intuition has chosen for your guys’ spontaneous destination. He breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees that his fingers landed on a town on the outskirts of the city, 20 minutes away from the university. He silently thanks the universe for not sabotaging his wallet and time.

“We’re never doing this again, Y/N”, Jungkook speaks as you are in front of him, skipping happily to the front desk to buy two train tickets.

“Wasn’t it fun, though? The thrill?”, you chuckle at his demeanor, to which he only shakes his head vehemently. You note the newest thing you’ve just learned about Jungkook: he has an aversion to uncertainty and spontaneity.

The train ride was as brief as it was uneventful. You spent the time rambling to Jungkook about all the quips and quirks about yourself and he only listened. Though he kept quiet, his face was free of any annoyance or indication that you were speaking too much. Jungkook only stared at you and unknowing to you, he soaked in every bit of information like a sponge. If anyone asked, he could tell them what foods you were allergic to, what colors wash you out, and what vegetables you hated the most.

“Wow you didn’t have to pick somewhere so far away, Jungkook.” You muse as the two of you step out of the train car. So far away in fact, that if you were to crane your head up enough, you would be able to see the university from a distance.

“Hey, you were the one who made me choose”, Jungkook spares a rare smile, “Would you rather we have shelled out our wallets to go on an 18-hour train ride?”

“Okay, fair point.”

The city was as abundant as it was big, and the both of you walked aimlessly from avenue to avenue, stopping occasionally whenever you see a dog you just can’t help but to pet or whenever Jungkook complained about his sore feet. As cold and indifferent as Jungkook made himself out to be, you’ve quickly come to realize that he’s actually a big baby. He still hasn’t let you in or even lowered his walls by a tiny centimeter, but you like to think that even agreeing to go anywhere with you could be considered significant progress.

Jungkook doesn’t notice the pounding of his heart whenever his hands graze against your’s, walking side by side so close he can feel the heat emanating through your coat. He doesn’t notice the peace he feels, just the synchronicity of his feet as he places them on the pavement.

The fraught wind that blows straight at Jungkook’s face prompts him to look up from where his eyes were cast on the ground. He almost staggers at how strong it is, but finds himself weak in the knees for a completely different reason.

Of course.

Of all the days, of all the times, of all the people in this entire city.

Of course she had to be the one that was currently staring at him from across the intersection.

The red light seems to go on forever. Either that or time has just spontaneously frozen, Jungkook can’t tell. But his eyes are fixed on hers and his feet bolster him to the concrete when all he wants to do is sprint the other way and forget he ever saw this ghost from the past.

Yoojung looks as beautiful as the day she left him.

She’s gained some weight and her cheeks have filled out, but it looks healthy on her now (Jungkook always chided her for forgetting to eat). She stares at him with a combination of shock and guilt and something he wants to overthink into affection but he won’t give himself that satisfaction anymore. She dyed her hair. Light brown looks good on her.

She looks...happy. As happy as anyone can look when they’re rushing through thick crowds of a city, traffic horns blaring like a dilapidated symphony.

In the heat of it all, it’s impossible for you not to notice Jungkook’s sudden change in demeanor or the way he has suddenly stopped breathing. When you follow his gaze, there is a girl on the other side of the street that shares the same starstruck expression and even from the outside looking in, you can feel the weight of something painful in his eyes. In her stature.

When the lights turn green, the throngs of city dwellers migrate across and you stay beside Jungkook when he doesn’t move a muscle. Not even a finger twitch. But she does. And he can only fight to keep the ache away when Yoojung gets closer with every millisecond. Until she is standing right in front of him and he can smell her familiar vanilla perfume.

“Jungkook”, she speaks, apprehension in her voice. “It’s been a while...how are you?”

Yoojung only spares you a side glance while keeping attention on Jungkook and you only grow more curious as to who this strange woman is.

He wants to speak so badly but his tongue remains frozen. He turns to you with flabbergast in his eyes and shakes his head to snap out of the daze of confusion. Of seeing the love of his life again. Or who he thought was the love of his life.

“Could you give us a minute, Y/N?”

You didn’t know why but the words that came from his lips made you feel disappointed. Perhaps you were just stupid for thinking he would introduce you. Tell her that you’re his soulmate and scream it at the top of his lungs with sheer pride. But your imagination has hurt you countless times and you had a feeling this one wouldn’t be the last. You manage a curt nod and push away the twinge in your heart. There was a boundary between you and Jungkook and today was not the day to cross it and introduce yourself as his soulmate to any random stranger.

Once you are out of vicinity and have found solace in a bookstore 10 feet away, Jungkook allows himself to breathe in Yoojung’s presence.

“I didn’t know if you were still in the city”, he falters, voice coming out quieter than he would have liked it to. But what was he supposed to sound like confronting the supposed love of his life.

“I never left, Jungkook...my entire life is here.” She sighs, smiling lightly with eyes seeping with guilt.

He scoffs. “I don’t know Yoojung, you seem to leave behind important things pretty easily.” Jungkook feels himself getting angrier and resentful by the second, and though he knows it is unfair of him, Yoojung’s mere presence brings back all the wounds he never truly healed from.

Granted, on a concrete sidewalk next to a traffic light pole was not the best place to have a heart to heart about failed relationships. But when has the universe ever given Jungkook the best things in life. He is devastatingly cynical for someone who dedicates his career to art.

Yoojung wears a frown on her face, but there is no vindictiveness there. Just an overwhelming sense of remorse that Jungkook communicates as pity.

“I don’t know how else to say that I’m sorry”, she sighs, eyes falling to the ground. Jungkook wishes it would just open up and swallow him whole.

“Then don’t say anything.” He turns to walk away.

“Wait! Jungkook can we...can’t we catch up or something? For a couple minutes?” Yoojung is visibly desperate, and her hands are outstretched as if wanting to touch him but keeping herself from overstepping the line.

Jungkook glances through the window of the bookstore, and you are situated on a chair, already nose deep in a hefty book. He wants to smile and tease you for being such a nerd, but the weight of Yoojung’s presence makes him reinforce those walls of indifference tenfold.

He exhales frustration and inhales temptation, looking back into Yoojung’s familiar eyes and nodding. Jungkook walks to a nearby bench and sits down with no words exchanged, looking forward coldly even when he feels her warmth next to him. A couple months ago, Jungkook would have set all his canvases on fire to feel her beside him again. Now, he’s not so sure.

“So…”, she starts, “who’s that cute girl you were with?”

“No one.” He shoots out a little too soon with no hesitation. Yoojung gulps.

“You know Jungkook, it’s okay to find someone. I-I know I hurt you, but I’m glad if you’ve found someone who doesn’t.” Jungkook doesn’t say anything so she continues.

“I’m really happy for-”

“I never really forgave you Yoojung.” He stares blankly at the passersby and tries to ignore the ache in his bones. The one that’s been there the day she left and took a piece of his heart with her.

“And I don’t want to blame you for my decisions but I want you to know that I push away a lot of people because of you. People that don’t deserve it.” From the corner of his eye, he can see her nod solemnly to his words and fidget with her hands in her lap. Part of him feels guilty for unloading on Yoojung. Part of him feels like maybe he deserves to.

“What you did was really shitty. Astronomically fucking shitty. And I’ve spent the past eternity hating you and maybe I still do, but…”, Jungkook takes a deep breath, “I want to forgive you now. If not fully, then partially. I hope you can understand that.” He finally tilts his head to look at her and though the smile on her face is as beautiful as he remembers it to be, Jungkook no longer feels the longing. No longer feels the sting that he usually does when his thoughts take him back to the years they spent together.

Jungkook doesn’t want to call it closure, not yet anyway. Sitting here on the bench, he still wants to scream and yell and tell Yoojung of all the nights he’s spent alone since she left. He still wants to drag her back and wonder if she could love him again like she used to.

But he doesn’t. He listens when she tells him about her new job and her new apartment right by the lakeside. They share snippets of their separate lives. Just deep enough to rekindle something warm but shallow enough to not invite anything else in.

When he walks away from the bench and into the bookstore, Jungkook stills feels the walls that he has built around himself. He is still scared of opening up and being vulnerable but the anger held for Yoojung for so long is no longer a raging fire. More so a wickering flame.

When he spots you, though, he remembers why he built those walls in the first place. He remembers how easy it used to be for him to climb a high peak and fall to his demise. Your eyes widen when you catch sight of him, lips curling into a wide smile and clear excitement in your expression. The book in your hands is tossed aside and tunnel vision reserved for him and him only. Something blooms in his chest and he can’t remember the last time someone’s been so elated to just simply see him...aside from his dog. Jungkook reminds himself to act uncaring. If he pretends long enough, he’ll start to believe it himself.

◓

The train ride home feels longer than the one there. The minutes drag by and perhaps it is because of your drooping eyes or the way Jungkook is looking at you with a different tenderness than he has been before. His stare is not harsh. It’s soft and sweet, but subtle enough for you to wonder if you are just imagining it. The night has always been unforgiving and cold even in the spring, but perhaps all that’s needed to breathe some warmth, is a 15 minute train ride and a wrist with a crescent moon.

Yet every time you become more smitten with Jungkook, there is a harsh reminder that follows you everywhere like a designated storm cloud.

Jungkook does not love you. And you are trying and you will continue to try but his eyes tell you something he is too courteous to say. You see it now as he sits across from you and admires the skyline from the window. It makes you wonder if it is soulmates he doesn’t believe in, or if it is just you that he can’t bring himself to accept. With every cold glance and wall that he puts up, you start to convince yourself that it is the latter.

“We’re here, Y/N”, Jungkook speaks quietly, interrupting your drifting thoughts. He turns around and leaves the train car with hands tucked in his coat pocket. Did you expect him to escort you out and hold your hand? Of course not. But you were tired of Jungkook being so indifferent to your existence.

You follow him glumly out the doors that slide close after you step through. Then it zips off again and you wonder where it would have taken you if you just stayed in your seat. If Jungkook would have even noticed that you hadn’t followed him when he left.

You sigh into the night air and wish it was winter so that your breath could be visible as a white cloud. Maybe then Jungkook would notice that you were a living being beside him.

“Who was that girl that we met back there?”, you murmur hesitantly. Jungkook nearly chokes on air.

“No one”, he responds curtly, effectively cutting off the conversation then and there. It makes your heart sink. She must be important and all you want to do is know every single detail about their relationship, but the look in his eyes warn you to not pry.

You don’t think you can forget the way Jungkook looked at her from across the street. Like he had been lost this whole time and she was the North star. You saw the way his eyes twinkled in the midday sun and sparkled even more when she came closer. You wonder if you’ll ever be able to have that effect on him.

“Hey, next time you should pick a place you and I both do not live in”, you giggle, nudging his shoulder with your own. It makes him smile and even though your heart feels heavy in your chest, Jungkook looks so beautiful when he smiles.

The two pair of feet subconsciously carry you both to the front door of your apartment building and the scene is too familiar from the last time. You expect him to turn around and whisper a hushed goodnight under his breath, and you’ll have to watch the back of his head disappear down the street. But he doesn’t. Just stands across from you quietly and waits for you to say something. So you do.

“Jungkook, I’m sorry if I brought up something you didn’t want to remember. I don’t really know your story but it seems you two have a lot of history.” You want to tell him how hard it is for you to be his soulmate when he is so clearly vying for the warmth of someone else. Someone who didn’t have a crescent moon on her wrist.

“I know you’ll tell me whenever you’re ready, and if that’s never then I’ll keep waiting until forever. But I’m here if you want to talk or unload and I already know I can help because…” you fidget with your hands and look around nervously.

“Well, because I’m your soulmate.”

When you say it loud and explicitly, Jungkook thought the statement would have made him recoil. But it doesn’t. It just seeps through his consciousness and feels warm when he thinks about the weight of those words. You are his soulmate, regardless of if he believes in such a thing or not. You carry the same mark as he does on your wrist and somehow, by some intangible factor, the universe had decided that you were created for him and he for you.

And when he looks at you. Really looks at you. When Jungkook processes your sincere words and how you manage to deal with his insurmountable boundaries even when you barely know him…

Jungkook has never wanted to kiss you more.

So he does.

Your lips taste like mint chewing gum and the ghost of words you wish to tell him but can’t. He feels you stiffen until you completely melt in his hold, and Jungkook cradles your face with both his hands, pulling you closer to him until there is no barrier between you but the clothes on your back and the emotional distance. You feel so far away even when you’re this near. Was it a trick of your imagination when you felt the moon on your wrist tingling?

It doesn’t last as long as you would’ve liked it to. Jungkook yanks his hands from you like your skin scalded him and takes several steps back. His chest rises up and down violently when his breath comes out ragged, posture stiffening as the gravity of what just happened finally absorbs. You’re there, he knows you’re there and standing in front of him. So why is it he can only see Yoojung. Yoojung and the star on her wrist and apologies on her lips. Yoojung and the tears in her eyes when she walks away.

You can only stare confusedly when his body goes rigid, and a sudden coldness envelops you both.

And in the haze of post-embrace, like any two normal lovers, you catch something in his eyes that sets a heavy feeling in your stomach. Before you can confirm if it’s just a trick of the light, Jungkook is already running in the opposite direction and you can only see a shadow of sullen love that follows him. He is gone and you are standing alone, wondering how moonlight could feel so cold even on a spring night.

You don’t get any sleep that night. Every time you close your eyes, there is only the sight of Jungkook’s disgust and regret to lull you to dreams.

20 minutes away from your apartment, there is a boy who doesn’t sleep either. He won’t text or call to tell you that he can’t shake off the feeling of your skin on his and your breath fanning his cheek. He won’t admit to himself that tonight, when he looked at you, he felt the possibility of falling in love. He won’t tell you that the moon on his skin longs to be traced by your hands. No, he just shares those secrets with his pillow as its linen soaks up his tears.

In the midst of it all, there is one verdict that becomes clear to him.

Jungkook wishes he had never told Jimin he needed a muse.

◑

The next three weeks is dedicated to trying to get in touch with your soulmate. Through the whirlwinds of utter confusion and desperation, you try texting, calling, emailing, even showing up at his art studio and apartment to no avail. It seemed he had a talent for avoiding soulmates.

It hurt, to say the least. That he left you high and dry after giving you the most intense

kiss of your life and doesn’t even have the decency to let you know he’s alive. The feeling of his lips still burns on your skin and you wonder if you are a complete fool for being so smitten with a person who, quite possibly, hasn’t spared you a single thought after that night. You just want - no you just need some clarity.

Jungkook makes you wait another week before replying.

It is an impossibly sunny day when you wake up. Your neck is stiff from sleeping like a contortionist and your heart aches even more than your muscles with every passing morning with radio silence from your soulmate. You want to call him and tell him you’re sorry. That you’ll forget anything ever happened. It hurts to even think about it, but for Jungkook, you would go through a little more pain so he would let you into his life.

Outside the hall, Jimin is singing along to a familiar melody of a song you don’t know the name of and judging by the aroma that wafts through the cracks of your door, he has successfully made a pot of coffee. He has been an anchor throughout this whole thing, and sometimes you make a secret wish to the stars that Jimin had been the one with a crescent moon on his wrist instead. Perhaps that way, you wouldn’t have to go through the agony of chasing love that is constantly sprinting away from you.

Your phone lays on the bedside table and buzzes innocently to start the morning. When you reach over and scroll through notifications routinely, there is a name there that makes your heart pang. Makes you want to throw up and celebrate at the same time. A text from Jungkook. Your fingers shake as you open it.

I no longer need a model for the portfolio. Thank you for your involvement. Compensation will be provided promptly.

The day you met him, you already knew that Jungkook was cold. He never dawdled around a painful truth or toed the line between bluntness and sparing feelings. Jungkook spoke his mind, collateral damage be damned. But this is a different type of cold. This one feels more like dry ice on warm skin. Like the numbing chill of a fading hope. Like winter’s first snowfall when autumn had promised you it would forever stay.

Phone in your hand and tears threatening to drip down your cheeks, you wish you would have waited a bit more before opening his text. Perhaps that way you could have spent the rest of your morning basking in the spring sun, drinking Jimin’s inevitably bad coffee, having hope that Jeon Jungkook would grow to care for you. Perhaps if you hadn’t opened it so soon, your soulmate would still seem in reach.

Jimin’s mug nearly drops out of his hand when the door of your bedroom is slammed open. He flings it to the side when he notices your red-rimmed eyes and the shaking hands that clutch onto a cellphone. You scream and sob at the universe, at anyone, asking why it was you that had to experience the chaos of longing. Jimin was there to hold you, as he always is, and helplessly listen to the sound of your heart breaking once again by the hands of Jungkook.

◒

Room 62B of the art building is a place you hope to never have to visit again. Though it’s walls contain memories of you and Jungkook, and the evenings navigating his gallery portfolio along with your convoluted relationship, the wallpaper bleeds with a longing ache. A yearning pain. And if those walls could talk, you don’t think you would want them to say anything at all. They would only murmur what you are slowly accepting to be true.

Jungkook, your soulmate, wants nothing to do with you.

When you hesitantly rap on the door with a fisted hand, the sound of him rustling from inside makes you want to run the opposite direction. It opens before you get the chance to change your mind and the sight of him nearly takes your breath away. He is beautiful as he always is, hair ruffled and mussed from undoubtedly running his hands through it compulsively. His lips are pink from biting on them and the dark circles under his eyes tells you of the dreams he has deprived himself of.

Jungkook is painfully gorgeous and painfully not yours.

“Y/N...I sent you a text earlier.” His voice is saccharine but the words taste so bitter.

“I know. I read it”, you murmur, shrinking in on yourself.

“I....Can we talk, Jungkook?”

His eyes dart around nervously at your question, chewing on his bottom lip and tapping the toe of his shoe as if he was impatient and you were bothering him. And you have known that simply being around Jungkook hurts but the light at the end of the tunnel only continues dwindling.

You understand why he is acting so restless when your gaze drifts past him and into the room. There is a girl perched on a stool, across from a canvas and easel that you know awfully well. You don’t recognize her but it’s only in your nature to begin comparing every aspect of yourself to this stranger. She sits on her hands and swings her legs back and forth, head in the clouds and eyes trailing the ceiling. She isn’t aware of the weight of her presence in the studio, nor the turmoil she has brought to you, who is standing just outside the door.

The oxygen in the hallway thins and the breath you’ve been waiting to release since knocking catches in your throat. Coming here, you prepared yourself for a long and inevitably heart-wrenching talk with your soulmate. But you hadn’t prepared for the possibility that he had replaced you overnight.

The only thought that blares through your mind is that this is your fault. For letting yourself think you were worth more to Jeon Jungkook than any other stranger. You can no longer find it in yourself to be angry at him. Just yourself.

“You…”, you gulp down a whimper, “you replaced me.”

Jungkook follows your vacant stare past him and sighs, realizing you had most likely deducted what this scene looked like. You would be right. Between the weeks of trying to understand what you were to him and the impending due date of the portfolio, Jungkook was sure the best way to move past this confusion was to just speed full steam ahead. That meant finding another muse. You were no longer an option.

You only stare down at the floor, but Jungkook begins speaking anyway.

“Y/N, I…I’m sorry.” You scoff at his words, feigning anger when inside, you truly didn’t know if you could piece yourself back together this time.

“Look, Y/N. It’s not you. It’s just that…”, he breathes deep, not knowing why it was so hard to say. “I’ve stopped believing soulmates were truly a thing a long time ago. I’m sorry.”

It’s not the first time you’ve heard these words but it doesn’t mean they hurt any less.

“I didn’t want to initiate anything, Y/N, but you did and I let you and that was my fault to let anything start. I shouldn’t have when I knew nothing would come of it.”

It was a fault to him. It never should have happened.

“So you just thought you would kiss me and decide that I meant nothing to you afterwards?”

“It was a mistake.” It was painful to think it but when you hear Jungkook say it, you experience a new kind of ache. A humorless chuckle bubbles past your throat.

“I really thought you would grow to love me. Now I know it’s not your fault that I’m a complete fool. To fall head over heels for my soulmate who wishes he had never even met me. Much less share a mark.”

You can see Jungkook’s eyes widen at your confession, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. It was the truth. He deserved to hear it.

“You shouldn’t. You can’t.” He reaches up to pull at his hair frustratedly.

“Can’t what, Jungkook? Love you? You think I want to be in love with someone who wishes I didn’t exist?” You hate your voice for breaking, but its impossibly painful when he does nothing to deny your statement.

“What do you want me to say, Y/N? What can I say to make this better?”

Try: I love you too.

“I don’t need you to say anything you don’t mean, Jungkook.”

“Then shouldn’t you leave?”

Jeon Jungkook is cruel even when he doesn’t mean to be. There is oblivion in his gaze, and his question is one of genuine curiosity. But it still stabs you exactly where your heart is most tender. Yes, I should have left.

“I guess I thought you were worth the pain, Jungkook. When you pushed me away and wanted nothing to do with me, I thought you were worth hurting for just to try a little more. Worth the uncertainty of being around you but never getting to actually be with you”, you numbly mutter, uncaring about the rivulets of tears down your face. Not like it wasn’t something he’s never seen before. There is more to come on the tip of your tongue, and Jungkook stays quiet to let you speak. There is conflict in his vision, but you don’t want to give yourself the false hope that he cares for you.

Look where that has gotten you before.

“You still are, you know. Worth it.” You release a shaky breath. “But I was stupid to think that I am too.”

Saying the words are revelation for you as much as it is for him. All this time, you’ve been running away from the truth in the pursuit of your soulmate. You hadn’t realized that the chase led you astray.

“And I know that loving me is not easy. I’m…”, you force the words out so he can at least hear your turmoil by his hands. “I’m never really good enough for anyone. Why did I expect that I would be good enough for you?”

Jungkook’s expression crumples into a frown. “Y/N, no, that’s not what I mean-”

“You don’t have to tell me what you mean, Jungkook. I meet you and the first thing you say is that you don’t believe in such a thing. I try to get close to you and all you know to do is push me away. And I try so hard to be enough but how can I when Yoojung still has your heart? So you don’t have to say it. I know what you mean.” You’ve stopped crying but the ache relents, and you can only look desperately at the boy who’s slipping from your grasp with every passing second.

“I’m sorry.” The message is redundant.

“I can’t…” Rip off the bandaid.

“I just can’t love you.”

The words make their way past his lips before he can stop them, and they shoot through your core ruthlessly. A sharpened dagger to soft flesh. It manifests itself in a physical pain that reverberates across your chest, and when the last strength left in you is used to stare at Jungkook through a pained and teary gaze, you are deaf to everything but those four words.

I can’t love you.

You’re not sure what he is sorry for at this point. If Jungkook is apologizing for not loving you, you don’t blame him. If he is sorry for entertaining the possibility, you don’t blame him. If he is sorry that you are the one with a crescent moon on your wrist, well...you don’t blame him either. All your life you cherished it like some kind of gift from the universe. Now, nursing your crumbling soul in front of Jungkook, you wish it had never appeared in the first place.

You shake your head, tucking your lip in between your teeth to stop the sob in your chest from escaping. Through the crack of the door Jungkook hadn’t shut fully, the girl was still there, patiently sitting where you were supposed to and making herself scarce after inevitably hearing you bare your heart to a boy who had no interest in it.

Humiliation goes hand in hand with heartbreak, and the embarrassment that comes with confessing your love and insecurity urges your feet to run home. But even you cannot deprive yourself of looking at him one more time.

His wavy head of hair. The scar on his cheekbone that makes him look even more beautiful, if that were possible. The gloss in his dark brown eyes, and the way he looks at you through stone cold walls. You commit it to memory, however painful, before you walk out of his life.

“Be happy, Jungkook.”

You truly mean it.

◐

The sound of your footsteps getting farther away from him is a sound Jungkook thinks he’ll remember for a long time. It almost prompts him to run after you, cradle you to his chest, and profess how sorry he is again and again until you can truly feel the sincerity. But he doesn’t. Only remains behind the self-procured walls and watches when your figure disappears down the hallway.

Cold. Unbothered. Indifferent. That’s what he had always told himself when it came to you. But the hallway feels so lonely and the ghost of your presence feels even lonelier, and Jungkook wonders if he had been wrong.

He walks back into the studio, permanent frown on his face and shoulders hunched over in stress. The paintbrush feels like a stranger rather than an extension of his arm, as it always does, but Jungkook begins painting anyway. Looking at the girl in front of him, he is reminded of the look on your face when you realized he had replaced you completely in the span of three weeks, without even giving you a notice. Her presence in his art studio suddenly feels entirely suffocating.

“Mina, Get out.”

“What?”

“Get out of my studio. I don’t need you as a model, anymore. Thanks.” His voice cut through the tension of the room, like a hot knife to butter. He recognizes it as the voice he always forces himself to use around you, and grows even more aggravated.

The girl scoffs annoyedly, snatching her handbag from the floor and rushing out of the room. Obviously she had thought something more was to come from Jungkook’s art arrangement. He made sure to let her know that was not the case.

There is a gnawing in his chest. Deep and subtle, but it becomes more prominent as the window view from his studio turns from blue to black. He ponders about spending the night in here, instead of going home to his bedroom where he is forced to consult with the agony of solitude. On top of everything today, Jungkook doesn’t think he can handle that.

Every time he closes his eyes, he sees the pain in your face when he tells you that he can’t love you and he hears the shaking in your voice when you tell him the things that weighed on your soul. He thought the word “wither” was only reserved for flowers. Jungkook didn’t realize a person could wither until he saw it right in front of him.

In truth, he didn’t know. He didn’t know if he could love you or not. And to Jungkook, that was already a feat in itself. He’s spent so many months convincing himself that his emotional fortress was impregnable. So many nights over whiskey bottles telling himself that love was only for fools and pretenders. To be uncertain about love, now, well...that’s something he is not yet ready to admit to himself. Much less admit to you. But letting you any closer was a fatal game.

Being uncertain about love means being uncertain about getting hurt. Jungkook has a feeling he wouldn’t make it out in one piece if his heart fell into wrong hands.

He does end up returning to his apartment that night. But the walk feels far too long and the air feels far too frigid, or perhaps is it because he can’t hear the tread of your footsteps beside him?

Whatever the reason, tonight feels more lonely.

The stars tell him it’s because he does not like the person he’s alone with.

Back in room 62B, there is an abandoned painting on a rickety easel. He hadn’t even had the will to wash out his paintbrush, and he’s sure he’ll pay for it the next day. Looking at the piece now, his professor would tell him that there’s too many colors. Too much contrast and nearly not enough depth in his strokes. But what was he to do when he had kicked out his new model and couldn’t get the image of your visible heartbreak out of his brain?

A familiar wrist with a quaint crescent moon sits on the canvas, and he sure as hell didn’t use Mina as the inspiration. Jungkook reminds himself to throw out the painting tomorrow morning.

◓

The grease on Jimin’s skillet pan is always so hard to clean. The dish soap never truly cuts through the oil, and no matter how much you rinse it over with scalding water, it still feels soiled. On a normal day, it wouldn’t frustrate you so much. Today, a month-and-a-half after your soulmate made it clear to you that you had no place in his life, you want to throw the pan out the window and cry on the kitchen floor until it collapses with the weight of your tears.

You settle for throwing down the sponge and making Jimin wash his own dishes.

The phone-that you usually now tend to ignore-buzzes on the counter, and you groan at your complete lack of desire to answer it. But the screen lights up with your roommate’s name and you hit the green button.

“Y/N! How are you feeling, lovebug?” Jimin’s cheerful tone on speakerphone makes you want to cry. You can only imagine how terrible it is for him to be your roommate when all you know how to do now is mope and cry about a boy who probably hasn’t thought about you since. But he’s been holding you through all your breakdowns, and even sets up the air mattress on the floor of your bedroom when some nights are a little bit harder than most.

“I’ve had better days”, you glare at the pan in the sink. “What’s up?’

“So I have a friend…”

“Jimin, no.”

He sighs over the phone understandingly, but still not satisfied. “I know it’s only been a month Y/N, but it doesn’t have to be anything. He’s not looking for anything serious either. But maybe it would be good for you to take your mind off things.”

It’s been a month. Four weeks. Roughly 31 days, and you still remember every word he said to you in the hallway of the art building. Every pause and quiver of his breath, and the way he looked so completely indifferent to your pain. Was one month enough for you to let go even after finding out Jungkook never planned to hold on in the first place?

“Look, you don’t have to decide now. I’m sorry for pushing you if you’re not ready.” His mumbling is apologetic and it makes you realize that Jimin genuinely means well. Maybe you weren’t ready to move on from Jungkook yet. Maybe you never will be. He was your damn soulmate, after all. But maybe a distraction couldn’t hurt.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’ll do it.”

You can practically feel him smiling like an idiot over the phone. “Really?!” You sigh into the speaker and Jimin knows better to continue talking before you change your mind.

“His name is Namjoon, he works with me at the office. Super cute. Super hot. Super smart. Checks all your boxes!”, he rambles on about the nitty gritty details and though a part you is proud that you’re making the decision to move on with life, you can’t help but to realize that no one will ever be able to “check all your boxes”.

Not if they’re not Jungkook.

“He sounds great, Jimin.” Anyone can tell your happiness is disingenuous, even through the phone. Jimin tells you that he had already planned a date (without your knowledge), and sends you on your way with a quick goodbye when his taxi arrives. The silence of the apartment after the conversation leaves you feeling even more weighted, but hopeful for the possibility of a distraction. You had a feeling you won’t be able to forget the likes of Jeon Jungkook if you tried. But, if only for a night, you were to forget the pain of loving him, you’ll take that chance.

◑

“What do you mean they all ‘feel the same’?” Jungkook is exasperated. He had drafted a complete version of his portfolio, working through the nights by the sweat of his brow. Now his professor was telling him that all his pieces felt the same and Jungkook thinks he might commit arson to the art studio.

Professor Sejin sighs contemplatively, taking off his glasses and throwing them on the table, all too familiar with Jungkook’s periodic art tantrums.

“I mean that your pieces lack any variegation. The portfolio is well done and coherent, but the completed package is one-noted. It’s consistent. But too much so.”

Professor Sejin’s words make him fall back into the chair dejectedly, shoulders slumped and disappointment in his eyes at the critique of his art. Though it is hard to hear, Jungkook always welcomes productive criticism. The older man sympathizes with his downcast eyes and the visible stress on his back.

“Look, Jungkook”, he affirms sincerely, “you just need to find some dynamic. Something to make people know that you can do more than one tone of art.” It’s obvious that the professor has a soft spot for the boy in front of him, who looks like his entire world is collapsing. The portfolio folder is handed back to him and Jungkook has the urge to burn it and not hear the word “gallery” again in the next decade.

“I have faith in you. You’ll figure out what it is that you’re missing.” The smile on the man’s face is congenial. Genuine. And even though he has an ambitious amount of work to do, Jungkook finds the will to nod, haul himself off the office chair, and begin the trek back to his studio.

The pinnacle of spring is approaching and the sun shines brighter with each morning. Not that he would know or care. He’s spent the last month locking himself inside, dedicating every fluid ounce of energy towards completing his project. It’s been surprisingly easier, and Jungkook finds himself finishing paintings, sketches, and sculptures with ease. Like untapped inspiration had revealed itself to him suddenly. Yet it still wasn’t enough...at least not according to Professor Sejin.

Headphones drown out the cacophony of hustlers and bustlers with the laughter of children as accompaniment. He doesn’t allow himself to enjoy the music of the city. Not anymore. It gives him too much space to think, and Jungkook has a feeling that’s not good for anyone and definitely not good for him.

The sight of a familiar bakery with particularly delicious apple strudels is enough to stop him in his rush, feet winding down until he is standing outside, staring at the door and wondering if he could go in without being reminded of you. Well, it might be too late for that anyhow, but further signs of protest are halted when he hears his growling stomach.

Jungkook had morbidly underestimated your presence in the memory of his favorite cafe. You are everywhere. He sees your smiling face when he looks up at the chalkboard menu, soul vying for you to be next to him and excitedly choosing a new fru-fru drink that would undoubtedly have excessive sugar. He hears your giggles ruminating through the cafe while the other patrons only hear the music over loudspeaker. He practically feels you near, but that doesn’t matter now. It’s better this way. No one gets hurt this way.

Jungkook plops himself at a corner table and buries his face in his hands, fingertips soothing over his pulsing eyebags and wrinkles he’s gotten from sleep deprivation. He desperately needs an espresso shot. Or five.

“Hey…”, a voice makes him snap his head up. Jungkook recognizes the stranger as the owner’s son, who always stands guard at the cash register. The tag on his lapel reads Kim Seokjin, and Jungkook has a distant memory of you gushing over how nice Seokjin’s hair was. He had acted unbothered back then, but Jungkook would die before telling a soul that he was annoyed and jealous when you thought the cashier was cute.

“Jungkook, right?”. He has a kind smile and a natural air of invitation. Jungkook nods.

“I’ve seen you around a lot. Where’s that girl you always come here with?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business”, he nearly hisses, antsy at the mere mention of you. He instantly regrets it though. Seokjin looks like he’s been cornered with a blunt weapon, and it makes Jungkook sigh at his own asshole-ishness.

“I’m sorry”, he mumbles, “just not a good day. At all.”

There is a pause and hesitation before the boy speaks. “Do you...wanna talk about it?” Seokjin’s question is met with silence.

There is a predictability about Jeon Jungkook. He doesn’t open himself up to anyone. He pretends that he doesn’t have problems so well, people start to become convinced. He avoids new connections like it’s the plague. But there is something so idiosyncratic about Kim Seokjin that makes him want to talk. Makes him want to trust a complete stranger.

So Jungkook nods, depositing his black backpack besides him and lets himself breathe deep.

“Her name is Y/N….”

In the lukewarm air of the café, Jungkook tells Seokjin about you. About the tiny crescent moon on your wrist that identically matches his - even unwraps his cloth to show it - and how he pushed you away hard enough to put an ocean’s worth of distance between the two of you. He tells Seokjin about Yoojung and the stars on her skin that have been plaguing him since the day she left. He tells him about that damn portfolio that refuses to be finished; one that he apparently has to start over because Professor goddamn Sejin says it's too boring. He allows himself to unload, and wow is it easier to breathe when you talk about your feelings. Jungkook reminds himself to do that more often.

The “conversation” seems to stretch for hours (if a conversation can be considered one person unleashing all their hidden baggage on the other while they sit in silence). Jin listens intently through the entire ordeal, offering occasional nods and encouragement for him to continue. When Jungkook finally finishes with a deep breath, falling back on the chair looking completely worn out, Jin fixes him with a hot tea before speaking.

“The portfolio is important to you, Jungkook. If it’s important to you, you’ll find a way. Something tells me that you’re not one to give up so easily”, he quips with a playful lilt in his voice. Jin’s genuine faith in him makes Jungkook believe in himself.

“And as for Yoojung, well, I can’t speak on your pain. You are the only one that narrates your experiences but as much as she seems like a villain in your story, perhaps she has opened a door.” Jungkook thinks his voice sounds far too wise to be coming from a guy in his 20’s.

“Would you have known how to nurse a broken heart had it not been for her? I’m sorry she did that to you, Jungkook, but..Yoojung is your past. And I see so much in your future.”

Jungkook only stares into the abyss of his tea cup. The reflection that stares back is someone he desperately wants to learn to love. When he looks up again, there is a sad glimmer in Seokjin’s gaze. Something so despondent that he feels second-hand pain.

Jin pulls up the sleeve of his knit sweater. On his wrist sits a faded marigold, so blanched it almost blends in with his skin and makes him wonder if it will just disappear one day. Jungkook feels his blood run cold.

“It’s been two years since she died”, he stares solemnly at his skin, “I don’t think a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about her.”

Jungkook’s thought about his soulmate mark disappearing before. Even hoped and prayed for it the days after Yoojung left. But now, when he sees it up close on Seokjin’s wrist, Jungkook doesn’t want to wish that loneliness upon anyone.

“She was so damn...persistent”, Jin laughs, fondness dripping in every word. “Like your Y/N in that way, I suppose. She had a goal and was hell-bent on achieving it. She was so kind and strong and much more of a badass than I could ever be. I loved that about her.” There is sorrow in his voice when he uses the past tense, and Jungkook feels even worse for pouring his heart out about his very alive soulmate.

“She was studying to be a doctor, you know? Ironic that even the best doctors couldn’t have saved her in the end.” His sentence trails off and he loses focus gazing out the window, fidgeting with the ring on his left hand with a faraway look in his eyes.

“I don’t mean to ramble about my dead soulmate for no reason, Jungkook. And I’m in no position to tell you what you should or should not do regarding Y/N. But if I could restart this life with my soulmate, there wouldn’t be one second I would waste not at her side.” Jin’s tone is not accusatory or convicting. Just honest.

“It’s normal to be scared and apprehensive. Hell, I would be more concerned if you weren’t going into it with a shit ton of skepticism. I was terrified. Yet out of the billions of people that could’ve had my mark on their wrist, just knowing that she was that one was enough for me to love her.”

The cup of tea has long gone cold. Jungkook only manages to stare at the mahogany table, thoughts too heavy to voice aloud, so Jin continues.

“I think I would give anything to know that such a person still exists for me. Someone out there that was chosen by an unknown, cosmic force for an unexplainable reason just for me. To see a mark that matches my own. Well…”, Jin breathes deeply, tears welling in his eyes but not falling, “I think that must be the most wonderful thing in the entire world.”

◒

Seokjin’s words stick with him long after he has departed from the café. Long after the tea has settled in his stomach along with the weight of what a soulmate means to this stranger whose life story he has learned in the course of an evening.

Even so, Jungkook’s not sure what he should feel. The fear of vulnerability still feels like a designated thundercloud above his head, and the thought of letting you past his walls makes Jungkook want to run the other way.

At the same time, the trepidation doesn’t feel so heavy anymore. It’s still there, and he can’t pinpoint exactly what happened but when he sees your smiling face behind his eyelids, Jungkook doesn’t feel scared. When he focuses on what you look like under sunlight, or your eyes staring at him through a camera lens, there is no fear of the broken heart you could leave him with. Just something warm. Something that feels an awful lot like...love?

But what does Jungkook know about such things?

He shrugs it off his shoulders, and readies himself for a night of inevitably restless sleep. He blames it on the impending due date of his beloved portfolio, but really, it is you. You and your insistence on trying every single coffee shop in the city. You and your convoluted idea of a date; letting your partner choose the location with their eyes closed. You and…

Just everything about you.

He falls asleep well into 4am. The thin strap of cloth sits on his bedside table. Even if it is only for the night sky to see, Jungkook lets his soulmate mark breathe.

◐

It’s been so long since you’ve dressed up or cleaned up to go out anywhere, the reflection that stares back feels like a stranger. You’ve opted for a bold red lip, meticulously applying your makeup so that even the wing of your eyeliner was sharp enough to kill. Jimin forced you to curl your hair too, of course. The girl in the mirror looks beautiful. You know that she is beautiful.

So why is it that you can only see the face that is not enough for Jeon Jungkook? A person that he is unable to love. No, not even foundation can cover the face of longing.

“Y/N”, Jimin sing-songs, “hurry! You don’t wanna be late do you?” No, you don’t want to be late. You want to not go. Maybe retreat to your bedroom and cry the night away again. But you won’t tell him that when he is so clearly ecstatic that you’re spending a night out for the first time in months.

The restaurant looks like it is entirely out of your budget. Well, you reckon any restaurant is out of your budget with all the debt that looms overhead and your painfully apparent unemployment. Waiting for Namjoon is less than exhilarating, and you spend the time fiddling with your bracelet that conveniently covers the crescent moon. These days, you can’t bear to look at it anymore. Your eyes are glued to the little mark, before a voice sounds from across the table.

“Sorry I’m late, traffic was insane. You must be Y/N, nice to meet you.” You weren’t sure what you expected Kim Namjoon to look like but were pleasantly surprised. Namjoon looks like he takes care of himself, neat and clean and sporting a very shiny watch that looks like 4 months’ worth of rent.

“And you must be Namjoon. Likewise.”

When he pulls out the chair to sit down, you can’t help but to notice the cloud on his wrist. It was smaller than yours but you had no doubt it felt just as heavy. If Namjoon felt your gaze on his skin, he did nothing to show it.

“Hey, I know I just got here but…”, he sighs and takes a look around the room, “do you wanna get out of here? Find the cheapest and greasiest food we can?” His request makes you smile, and you grab the purse that rested on the table.

“Namjoon, I think that’s the best idea you’ve had yet.”

You and Namjoon manage to find a diner that wasn’t far from the fancy restaurant, and you thank the skies that you didn’t have to pay $50 for a salad tonight. Just some pocket change for quite possibly the best and oiliest hamburger you’ve ever had.

By conversation that happens through mouthfuls of food and faces smeared with milkshake residue, you come to learn that Namjoon is an unsurprisingly nice guy. He studies poetry, but is working as a secretary at an office, hence his connection to Jimin. He loves to garden and talks about his bonsai plants to you like they’re his kids, even pulling up pictures on his phone and gazing down at them fondly. It makes you smile. He plays the piano, and likes to take long bike rides when the weather permits.

It’s nice to have someone reciprocate your effort. It’s something you haven’t experienced in a long time, all credit to one Jeon Jungkook. Namjoon is warm in all the corners where Jungkook is cold.

In a word, he is pretty damn perfect. And if he had a crescent moon on his wrist, you probably wouldn’t bat an eye or have a lick of doubt in the universe. He encompasses everything you want, so alike you in so many aspects it makes you wary. If Namjoon had your matching soulmate mark, you would already be in love with him.

But he doesn’t. And that thought alone keeps you from feeling anything but platonicity. He is not Jungkook. You don’t think anyone can make you feel the way Jungkook does. You want to curse the stars for making this so.

It’s well into the night, and you both remain planted in the diner booth, chatting and chuckling over a plate of french fries. It’s when you drift off while he’s talking about his latest attempt at focaccia that Namjoon sighs and sits back in the seat.

“What?”, you confusedly ask after he suddenly stops speaking.

He smiles. Stays silent for a couple seconds. Then speaks.

“So what did your soulmate do to you?”

His question catches you off guard and you can only stare at him, frown on your face and words lost on your tongue.

“You’ve been staring into space every 5 minutes this whole night, and fidgeting with your bracelet so much I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off”, he explains, tenderness and sympathy in his tone.

“Every time I speak, you have this sad look in your eyes and I have a feeling you’re imagining someone else’s face, Y/N. I’ve enjoyed talking to you...a lot. But I can tell you want to be somewhere else so”, Namjoon places his elbows on the table and gazes at you endearingly, “tell me about your soulmate.”

You stare at Namjoon through shocked eyes, glistening with the onset of tears that you manage to keep from escaping. Gosh, you were pathetic. Already wanting to cry at the mere mention of him. Or maybe the fact that someone could see through your facade. You take a deep breath.

“His name is Jeon Jungkook.” Your voice quivers, and Namjoon continues listening intently. You are reluctant to continue because you know that once this conversation begins, there is a chance you might have to confront yourself again with the pain of loving someone who doesn’t want love. You internally apologize to Namjoon in advance, for you might cry on this first date.

“I…I’m completely head over heels in love with him but after everything, I’m not sure I have the slightest clue what love is. Because what sane person can fall in love with a person who has made it clear that that love wouldn’t be reciprocated from the get go?”

You fiddle with the plastic straw in your milkshake, searching for the courage to go on and tell him about every thought that you have denied yourself the satisfaction of verbalizing.

“He loves apple strudels, you know. Eats them every time like they’re the last apple strudels he’ll ever have and he doesn’t give a damn who’s watching”, you chuckle, gaze drifting off to space. There is a fondness in your eyes as you speak, and Namjoon does not miss it.

“He’s as punctual as the day is long. One time I was late to a photoshoot and he almost made me cry lecturing me about the importance of being on time. But now I’m never late.”

The memory makes you, as well as Namjoon, smile.

“He paints like his life depends on it, and he’ll get oil paint on his face without noticing and sometimes I just want to reach out and wipe it off. But I think he’d murder me on the spot.”

“How come?”, Namjoon offers his first words in the midst of your monologue. You’re not sure what to say next.

“Well...I think Jeon Jungkook might be the coldest person I’ve ever met”, you dejectedly sigh. Reality tastes bitter even with remnants of whipped cream on your lips.

“Every time I was around him, it felt like I was willingly breaking my own heart just for the chance to know that he was next to me. That in this entire world of billions of people, the one with the same moon on their wrist was next to me. And...I guess I didn’t really need him to love me yet”, your gaze locks onto Namjoon and you find he is already staring at you with utmost curiosity and subtle pity.

“Jungkook alone was enough. I just wish he could have felt the same about me.”

Perhaps the reason why the truth is so painful to speak is because people have a tendency to run from it. Then when it catches up to you, it’s a harsh trip and fall to the rocky ground. There is no cushion when you land.

Namjoon doesn’t offer advice. Doesn’t dish his own experiences to relate to your own or even make any comments from his perspective. He just sits and listens in silence, but it doesn’t feel like he is disregarding you. No, his eyes tell you that he soaks in every word. You hope you’ll get the chance to do the same for him...if he ever decides to share his story with you.

The two of you leave the diner with a prospective to be friends, and no plans of a future second date. You had a strong feeling that spending the entire evening talking about your unrequited soulmate love had something to do with that. Nevertheless, though Namjoon didn’t work out as a distraction, you were glad to have met him. It made you realize something.

Even if Jimin thought you were ready to move on. Even if you thought you were ready to forget. It might be a lifetime before you finally let go of that boy.

◓

The morning reeks of rain and dew, humidity nearly clawing its way through his window and turning his apartment into a swamp. When he wakes up, it is not to his blaring alarm clock, but the uncomfortable sensation of a sweaty shirt sticking to his back. Jungkook groans, already tired of this day. It seems hopeless from the beginning.

As much as he wanted to stay home and crank up the air conditioner so much that his landlord would come running, Professor Sejin’s voice reverberates through his eardrums.

You art is too one-noted, Jungkook.

Be better, Jungkook.

You’re talentless and will never succeed, Jungkook.

Of course, these are not Professor Sejin’s verbatim, more so Jungkook’s own mind that twists his teacher’s constructive criticism into something else. He is a master at feeding his insecurity.

Jungkook chugs down a lukewarm cup of black coffee, and his stomach growls for something with a little more sugar and maybe a dash of rainbow colored sprinkles. He guesses he has you to thank for that. The art studio is always a daily destination, and this day is no different. Jungkook has a plan to dedicate himself to fixing his portfolio and maybe finish that clay piece he never got around to.

The studio is too cold for his liking; Jungkook can’t remember how many times he has begged the superintendent to lower the AC. The cold he can deal with. The loneliness, however, is a different story. Jungkook is always alone. Alone when he’s in his apartment. Alone when he’s in class. Alone when he’s in the art room. These days, aloneness feels more haunting when he knows he had the option to escape it, but chose to stay. A part of him is ready to admit that it’s because of you.

Jungkook hums a random melody that had been stuck in his head since the morning, fingers gliding over the slick sculpting clay. The days are easier now. He doesn’t think about you so much when the sun is out and there is the bustling of the busy city to distract him. The nights, however, are just as difficult as they have been. Jungkook’s last drifting thought is of you, and your face torturously carries over to each dream. Like his entire being misses you but he refuses to accept it.

He takes a deep sigh in relief once the sculpture feels finished. Professor Sejin wanted something more dynamic, so there: his very own realist clay piece drawing inspiration from Praxiteles’ sculpture of Aphrodite. He sits back in pride, admiring his own handiwork and giving himself a mental pat on the back. It looks great. Perfect even. It looks….

It looks like you.

Jungkook pales at the realization as the clay face stares back at him. No, this was supposed to be Aphrodite, the goddess of beauty and love, inspired by the ancient Greek artist that sculpted her. Then why does she have your nose? Those eyes are definitely your’s and even those cheeks are identical. Jungkook hadn’t even realized that in the rhythm of his art, he got lost and accidentally sculpted your face instead.

He walks away from the clay table and hurriedly yanks off the soiled apron around his waist, confusion swimming in every cell of his body. How had he just...made a sculpture of you? With no knowledge that he was doing it?

Jungkook leans with his back against the sink, staring down at the floor with furrowed brows and a thundering heart. With a sudden epiphany, Jungkook leaps from his position and pulls out all the canvases, printed photographs, graphite drawings, and clay pieces he’s made for the past few months. Everything he can grab in the small studio space.

It is then that he comes to the daunting realization:

Holy shit.

Professor Sejin was right.

Everything feels the same. His whole portfolio has one note and no dynamic or diversity because...well, because all of his pieces are of you. Not you, necessarily, but your breath has come alive on his art in some way, shape, or form.

The multimedia painting he made two weeks ago using polystyrene sheets was supposed to mimic sunlight through a stained glass window, but Jungkook hadn’t even noticed he'd drawn the window of the café you dragged him to on its opening day. And the colors of the glass is just the twinkle of your eyes when they stare back into his.

The photoset he spent hours taking around the city, after taking a 15 minute train ride, were just repeats of all the places you two went to that one day. The book store. The park. The streetlight where Yoojung stopped him. He hadn’t even realized he only saved the photos associated with a subconscious memory of you.

Jungkook can’t explain it, but he feels you in every single picture. Every piece of art that his hands have manifested since you walked into his life, stupid smile on your face and that little moon on your wrist. He feels it...and call it artist’s intuition or something but perhaps that’s why Professor Sejin could feel it too.

Even though he stopped making you his muse months ago, you are still the root of inspiration for whatever he’s produced since. And if that’s not enough to finally tell him what he needs to hear. Finally make him realize that he’s fallen in love with you without even knowing it, the universe doesn’t know what will.

The minutes it has been since he realized your place in his life melts like slow dripping honey, feeling like an eternity when it is mere moments. Jungkook regains his focus in the haze. He knows what you mean to him now, but there was something he had to fo first.

He swipes all his paintbrushes and palette knives to the side, sweat on his brow as he furiously rearranges his portfolio. He takes out the pictures of Mina - no one would miss them anyway - and trashes all the photos he took before he met you. He only uses the art he’s created post-Y/N and tucks them in the manila folder so rapidly, there’s paper cuts on his fingers. But he doesn’t feel them. Jungkook has only one objective.

He snaps a picture of the new clay sculpture he’s just finished. The photo goes into the portfolio with the name ‘Aphrodite’, but Jungkook knows better about whose face that truly belongs to. Not that anyone would bat an eye. He thinks you are as beautiful as the goddess herself.

The trip to Professor Sejin’s office is short, unsurprising though, since Jungkook sprints the whole way there. When he arrives, and the professor can only stare as he’s bent over and huffing violently trying to catch his breath, Jungkook reminds himself to spend less time at the studio and more time on the cardio.

He throws the portfolio onto the man’s desk unceremoniously, nearly collapsing on the chair across from him and not ready to speak yet. Professor Sejin confusedly rifles through the folder quickly, too quickly, and sighs, ready to offer Jungkook yet the same critique again.

He opens his mouth, but Jungkook cuts him off.

“Before you say anything…”, he gulps, finally ready to admit the truth to himself.

“I want you to know that I’ve met my soulmate, a-and there’s a reason why you feel that my portfolio is all the same. There’s a reason why you feel it’s all one-noted or that there’s no progression.” Jungkook takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, and you are there behind his lids.

“It’s because she sowed the seeds for all of them. Everything. Those paintings and photos and sculptures are just symptoms of what I’ve been feeling this whole time after meeting her. She’s practically the artist, not me.” Professor Sejin stays silent at his monologue, gaze unreadable but eyes sharp and trained solely on Jungkook.

“Maybe...Maybe art doesn’t need to be super variegated all the time. Maybe it’s supposed to be a cohesive unit and the pieces should string to each other. Maybe paintings should have a relationship to photos and them, to sculptures. Maybe you’re just...wrong.”

He is exasperated and passion flows out of him through every pore. Jungkook looks expectantly at his professor, who has the open folder in his hand and still in the process of taking in his words. When the adrenaline starts to fade, he realizes that he just dissed his venerable teacher.

“With all due respect…”, he coughs, “sir.”

Professor Sejin lets Jungkook spend the next couple minutes in complete torturous silence so that he can finish reviewing his portfolio. The tension is cut with the sound of the man’s hands slapping together as he closes the folder. Jungkook prepares himself for a stern lecture.

However, when he looks up, there is a smile on the man’s face. There’s no malice there, or even disdain. He pulls off his glasses, sets them on the table, and sits back in the office chair, arms folded over his chest. Jungkook can feel his heart threatening to pound past his rib cage.

“Jungkook…”, Professor Sejin declares, “I think you’ve got a contender for the gallery spot.”

◑

If someone had asked you what Jeon Jungkook meant to you, you would look them in the eye and tell them that he meant nothing. Because it’s easier to pretend that someone does not mean anything to you after they pretend that you do not exist. That the universe had not given you both matching marks and deemed that your souls were meant for each other. Jeon Jungkook is a stranger to you. One that you wanted so badly to love. But you’ve come to learn that no matter how hard you try; you can’t love someone who doesn’t want to love at all.

So the days trickle by as they usually do. Painstakingly slow and viscous with memories of a boy named Jeon Jungkook and the way he has hurt you enough to last a little bit over forever.

“I understand why you don’t want to go, Y/N. But aren’t you the least bit curious? Especially after that fancy invitation in the mail?” Jimin’s query is innocent. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make your blood boil.

“I don’t know...the thought of going to my soulmate’s grand art gallery when the last time we spoke, he told me he can’t love me, just doesn’t seem appealing Jimin”, you snark, burying your face into the bowl of cereal you are now spooning far too aggressively.

“But...it’s been months. And he wouldn’t have sent you an invitation if he didn’t want you to come.”

This conversation has happened too frequently since that red envelope arrived at your apartment. You cried your eyes out when you opened it, both out of pride for Jungkook and the fact that no matter what you did, the universe found a way to keep you from moving on.

A sigh heaves through your chest, and the cereal is abandoned by your loss of appetite. “I’m not going to show up there and have him tell me again all of the reasons he can’t be with me. I barely survived it last time.”

“But what if, Y/N?”

There is a glimmer in Jimin’s eye and he radiates so much hopefulness for you, you can’t help but to feel it too.

“Isn’t the what if already enough? You used to tell me that Jungkook was worth anything. Isn’t he worth the risk this time too?”

You don’t have anything else to say after that because as much as you hate to admit, perhaps Jimin is right. Jungkook is worth going through anything for, even if he wants to stay as far away as possible. Call it a fluke in the postal system that the invitation to his gallery landed on your doorstep, but can you allow yourself to read between the lines and dare say that he sent it himself? Can you put yourself through such a perilous thing like optimism?

Jungkook has left you battered and broken for the past months. But you would give your heart to him to break all over again if he asked.

◒

To say that you did not fit in with those dawdling around the art gallery was a gross understatement. You didn’t just not fit in. Your entire presence and aura defied every expectation, and suddenly, watching the upper echelon of the city mingle with champagne and gaze critically at Jungkook’s art, makes every breath feel like an insecurity.

The boy in question was nowhere in sight, and you now regret not dragging Jimin with you. The invitation had specifically prohibited plus one’s, and though Jimin whined to no end about his hurt feelings and emptily promised never to talk to Jungkook again, you managed to keep him home. Now, you wish you were back at the apartment with him.

The pieces were, in short, completely breathtaking (to no surprise, of course, this was Jungkook you were talking about). Though you knew he always held doubt in himself, in the short time he allowed you to be in his life, you had never once thought he was anything less than spectacular. Yet you could not allow yourself to completely enjoy them. Each brushstroke and paint color you remember from his palettes, or the filters on the photos that you helped him with, was agonizing to look at.

You are standing in front of a canvas titled “Windowlight” when a man comes up beside you. He nurses a flute of bubbly champagne and makes no move to gain eye contact. Unknown to you, Professor Sejin knows exactly who you are. He’s seen your face in his student’s portfolio one too many times.

“Artful use of mixed media, isn’t it?”, he mutters.

“I suppose so.”

“He’s quite the prodigy. Have you met him yet? I’m sure he’s lurking around somewhere.” The man takes a sip from his glass, smirk on his lips hidden from your eyes that still blankly stare ahead.

“Yes. He’s a...friend.” We share a soulmate mark. He hates my guts.

He hums a sound of affirmation and you ignore the weird feeling it leaves in your stomach; one that tells you this stranger sees right through you.

“Ah, how rude of me. Professor Sejin. Arts director and senior advisor.” He spares you a brief glance, but you make no move to shake his hand or pretend to be courteous. You don’t have the energy for it tonight. Just being in this building, surrounded by everything Jungkook has touched, makes you want to collapse into yourself.

“It was nice to meet you, Y/N.” He speaks nonchalantly, and you almost miss the fact that you never told him your name. Your brows crease in confusion and you are ready to turn and interrogate the stranger, but he is already walking away, gliding smoothly across the gallery. Before he gets too far, though, Sejin cranes his neck and makes eye contact.

“Oh, and be sure to visit the one called ‘Moon’. It’s upstairs, next to the Aphrodite sculpture on the second level exhibit”, he entreats, a suspicious lilt in his voice.

“Something tells me you’ll appreciate its…sincerity.”

Honestly, you’re not sure what you expected when you came to Jungkook’s art gallery tonight. But to be approached by a stranger who already knows your name, who dubiously instructs you to seek out a mystery art piece, was not on the list of expectations. Still...Professor Sejin’s words made you curious.

Through the night, your eyes subconsciously seek out that familiar head of fluffy brown hair and a tall gait that always seems to stick out, even in a large crowd. It was as if Jungkook versed himself in complete camouflage, so much so that you began to doubt that he was even in the building.

The traipse through the gallery is done in silence and solitude, and you tune out the sounds of popping champagne and raucous laughter coming from the second floor, as the patrons undoubtedly banter over which piece to auction off. You hope he keeps them. You’ve never seen someone appreciate art the way that Jungkook does.

You catch sight of a few pieces that you recognize, ones that you remember him showing you when he had finished. You always excitedly told him every single one was a masterpiece, and Jungkook only rolled his eyes and made minimal effort at hiding the blush on his cheeks. Your steps falter when you come across a set of photographs in black and white, set in consecutive frames next to each other and it feels so warm despite the lack of color. Jungkook just had that special talent when it came to photography.

It’s the bookstore. In the city during the impromptu train ride you had coerced him to take. Your heart catches in your throat as you recognize all the other ones immediately because well...you’ve been to all those spots. A familiar pressure builds in the back of your eyes, and you swallow down a whimper of pain.

The urge to leave becomes too strong. But not strong enough to quell the slow burn of curiosity from Professor Sejin. There is a chance that you might not run into Jungkook at all tonight with the vast space and people bumbling through the corridors. It hurts to think that you might never see him again at all, but you’ll allow yourself another indulgence. Something is calling you.

Moon. He titled it Moon? You grip onto your wrist reflexively and run your thumb over the mark, like you did when you were younger and still had hope for soulmates. The pulsepoint there beats under your finger and lets you know how alive you are. Compels you to give into your curiosity, even if it might decimate your already crumbling heart. The stairs that lead up to the second floor are short, but the trek feels like it knocks the wind out of you, or perhaps that was just the anticipation of what was waiting for you on the other side.

You were right to be scared. Because right in the smack dab center of the circular room is where you see it, and your gasp is one that can be heard from each wall and corner.

A painting of you. A portrait from the waist up, with oil paint and so much detail, Jungkook has even managed to line the shallow wrinkles by your eyes when you smile. You have never considered yourself beautiful in any sense but the way he has captured you on canvas starts to make you believe that you truly are. You feel Jungkook in each streak of the brushstroke where he hadn’t spread the color evenly. It is as if the painting is alive, and though you are staring at yourself, it doesn’t feel like the way it does in the mirror. Doesn’t feel like a reflection.

No, this feels like looking through Jungkook’s eyes. It is what he sees in you, rather than what you see in yourself. And what he sees is beautiful. Through the haze of shock and confusion as to why he chose this as the centerpiece, you don’t notice the warm presence that lurks behind you. The one that has watched your every move since you walked into this building.

“Yeah, that’s my favorite one too.”

You whip your head around so quick it nearly gives you whiplash, but the sight of him is the nail in the coffin. Jungkook is cleaned up in a black suit, and an unfamiliar smile on his lips he rarely lets you see. A genuine one that he’s tried to hide so many times but now that it’s clear and up close, you resent him for keeping it from you.

Jungkook is just as gorgeous as the day you lost him.

But looking at him hurts. You don’t know why you’re even here, and why he sent the invitation, or why he was standing in front of you now and there is not a sliver of antipathy in his eyes. You don’t know why your face is plastered in the center of the gallery. Most of all, you don’t know why you are still weak in the knees for Jeon Jungkook.

“Although, I have to say, it was a close race between this one and the pictures I made you take at the lake, when you nearly dunked me in the river because it was so cold”, he breathily laughs but you aren’t able to get through the shock just yet. If Jungkook notices your starstruck state, he doesn’t let it affect him.

“And I definitely have to give some credit to the one I painted after you told me about your dream”, Jungkook prattles on, “where you were a mermaid who planted peaches under the sea, remember? That’s an honorable mention.”

These memories make you want to smile but in this moment, the best you can do is try to hold yourself together when your eyes begin to warm with tears. Jungkook stays silent when you do. He notices you haven’t said a word and your gaze refuses to meet his.

“Why are you doing this, Jungkook?”, you curse yourself when your voice cracks. “Why are you telling me these things? Haven’t you hurt me enough?” Jungkook’s smile drops off his face, and for once, you can see your own pain reflected in his eyes.

He takes a deep breath, hands hanging limply at his side that itch to wrap themselves around yours. To feel your skin. Feel your mark.

“I…”, he hesitates in his words, “I remember that day every night when I go to sleep, Y/N. Every time I shut my eyes, I just see your face when I told you I can’t love you, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt such aching before. Not even when she left me.” Jungkook’s voice is tinted with desperation but it just makes your walls rise higher.

He’s lying to you. Your tongue wants to protest, but he continues.

“I see you in everything”, Jungkook breathes out, like he is also admitting it to himself.

“The paintbrushes I can never put down to the black coffee I force myself to drink nowadays because the ones I actually like, the ones with too much whipped cream and vanilla syrup, just reminds me of you.” His brows are knitted, and his feet vie to step closer to your quivering form. But you look like a caged animal about to bolt at any moment.

“And when I’m reminded of you, I am reminded of…”, he gulps down the fear, “I’m reminded of how I am utterly in love with someone who deserves so much more than what I have put them through.”

The blood that runs through your veins drops to subzero temperatures, and you swear in the split millisecond that you have absorbed what he’s just said, your heart ceases its beating. The world stops turning, and the waves still for a brief moment. You can’t find any words just yet, but Jungkook can see straight through you and your stupefied expression.

“Y-you’re lying to me, Jungkook. Stop lying.”

“I’m not lying, please…” Jungkook knows he’s losing you by the second, but he’s promised you he would persist. He just wants you to listen. Wants you to feel how sorry he is, and how his soul screams to be next to your’s.

“I can’t explain how it happened. Like it was an epiphany. Like someone has been screaming at me and I had been ignoring them, and that someone was my own heart.” Jungkook doesn’t stumble over his words once. He does not stutter because it is the plain white truth.

“Stop, Jungkook.”

“It’s been knocking on the door of my chest and when I finally let it in, it just yells and shouts ‘oh my god, you’re in love’ and then I realized oh my god, i’m in love. In between painting you and convincing myself that soulmates meant nothing to me, I’ve completely and unquestionably fallen in love with you, Y/N.”

Jungkook can’t decipher the look on your face. Something between the lines of disbelief and heartbreak, and it makes him want to split at the seams at the pain he’s put you through. How he’s convinced you you’re impossible to love. He vows to make it right again.

“Jungkook-”

“And you’re wrong, you know. You’re not hard to love. Hell, I was dead set on never loving again and you managed to make me so smitten, I can’t paint or draw a damn thing without including some aspect of you in it.” Jungkook steps back and gestures to all the canvases and photos that hang on the wall.

“Take a look around, Y/N. It’s all you. Every piece.” Once he says it, you finally notice Every piece of art in this room can be traced to you, or a memory you two share. It’s so clear, you don’t know how you missed it before. You feel yourself in the art Jungkook has poured his soul into. Instead of making you feel elated, these words that you’ve been waiting your entire life to hear just ignites the sting.

“Just stop. Please.” It is only a weak whisper through your lips, and he ignores it.

“If you can’t forgive me, I get it Y/N. I can’t forgive myself either. But can you just know that you are enough. You are more than what I deserve. And I know you told me to be happy, but there is no way I can possibly do that without you.”

When your gaze falls to the floor, you notice that his wrist is clean of any bracelets or watches. Come to think of it, this is one of the first times you are seeing it clear and in the flesh. Jungkook doesn’t tell you, but nowadays, he doesn’t allow anything to impede on the sight of the crescent moon.

When your guard is down and you are distracted, he finds the perfect time to finally reach forward and take your hand in his. His touch is gentle when it wraps around your wrist, tugging off the ribbon that circled it, and revealing the matching mark. Your pulse jumps under his fingers, and skips a beat when he runs a thumb over the moon. You are already melting with such simple contact, and you almost allow yourself to succumb. Almost.

It’s as if suddenly his skin was scalding, and you snatch your wrist from his grasp at lightning speed. The tears that have strayed down your face are wiped away as quickly as they came. The surprise on his face is missed by your eyes because before he can comprehend what is happening, you are bolting down the staircase and out the glass doors of the gallery. No, you cannot forgive him yet. What would you do if he hurt you again? You don’t think you would survive.

You ignore the pain of seeing his art pieces as you run, now that you know you are the muse behind them all. The only noise is the sound of blood rushing in your ears, and you are oblivious to the racket of Jungkook’s shoes clapping against marble flooring as he chases after you, expertly dodging the other patrons and butlers holding trays of champagne.

And Jungkook? Well, he is oblivious to the complete turmoil that runs through your every nerve. He only sees your back, and not the way you bite your lip painfully to keep the sobs from escaping. Not the way your pain is exhibited clear as day in the crease of your eyebrow and the wrinkle of your nose.

The air outside is so cold it bites at your nostrils, but makes it easier to breathe. The wind calms the thundering heart in your chest.

He must be lying. There was no way he had a change of heart now, not when he was so rooted in his belief before. There is no virtual possibility, on any plane of existence, on any dimension where Jeon Jungkook has fallen in love with you.

Right?

The hand that circles around your wrist tightly to keep you from getting any farther tells you that you are wrong. He did come after you. Jungkook’s strength forces you to stop running, but you can’t find the courage to turn around and face him just yet. But you don’t make an effort to pull away, and he takes it as progress.

“You can run if you want, Y/N. You can walk away from me and from us, but don’t doubt that I’ll always be chasing after you. For as long as it takes.” He is panting and speaking through heavy breaths, but you hear him. Loud and clear.

“I won’t let you leave again. Not like last time.”

There is no malice. No coldness, and for the first time since you’ve met him, his words feel like warm honey instead of monotone ice. He is utterly distraught when you turn around slowly, hesitant like you’re afraid he will break your heart right then and there.

His heart shatters at the wetness at your waterline, and the way you look up at him; completely vulnerable and scared.

“Do you promise?”

There is a lot of weight in your three-word question. It’s not as innocent as meets the eye, and Jungkook knows it. He feels it. When you ask him if he promises, it is an invitation back to you. You are offering him your heart, which he has already broken and bruised, and trusting him to be careful with it this time around. Jungkook already knows he loves you. And if you let him, he’ll spend the rest of his life making sure this promise remains unbroken.

“I promise.”

It’s a commitment. One he used to be terrified of making, but it seems so easy when it’s for you.

And when you fly forward to wrap your arms around him, Jungkook feels like home. Like the stars twinkle a little brighter and the earth stops spinning for a mere second, just for the two of you. You feel him squeeze you closer, just as tightly, and Jungkook wants to kick himself for depriving you both of a simple thing called love.

You are here, souls and now bodies intertwined, and Jungkook lets the pain of past hurt fall away. Pain is so miniscule when you are by his side. When you pull back, Jungkook frowns at your red-rimmed eyes, and the tears that still persist. He wipes it away oh so softly, as if you were delicate clay and he, a sculptor.

“Please don’t cry anymore, princess, it breaks my heart. I’m so sorry.” It is the softest, most sugary tone you’ve ever heard out of him. But hearing affection from his lips makes you feel that perhaps all of this sorrow, this longing, has been worth it. He has been worth it. He always has.

“I love you, Y/N.” Jungkook’s words are almost as beautiful as he is.

His lips are familiar when you lean forward and kiss him. Yet they are different. This time, the hands on your waist hold you a bit more carefully, even closer if that were possible. You can feel his thudding heart as it beats against your own, learning to match rhythms with each other, and Jungkook cradles your face in his hand like you are the only artwork he has truly been proud of.

And it’s true. All the canvases and paints and camera film seem wasted now. Nothing he ever makes will be quite as alluring as the art he holds in his arms in this moment.

“I love you too, you goddamn idiot.”

You meant it all those months ago, and you mean it now. If Jeon Jungkook was the sun, you would gladly change your name to Icarus. If Jeon Jungkook was the moon, then you are the tides that he pushes and pulls. If Jeon Jungkook belonged to you, well...you don’t have to imagine that anymore. He is your’s, as you are his.

Old habits die hard, but they are not immortal. They wax and wane, and remind you that in the cosmic vastness of things, you are only human. Humans whose hearts beat in tandem and souls made to complete the other. Humans with identical crescent moons, lost but now found.

Old habits die hard. But you have learned to fix those of a broken heart.

☾

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violettelueur · 4 years ago

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— NANAMI KENTO || HIS S/O BEING PREGNANT + HIM AS A FATHER

↳ featuring : nanami kento from jujutsu kaisen

↳ warnings : grammar issues

↳ form : headcanons

↳ published : 23 january

↳ pronouns : non specified in headcanon (but mostly relates to she/her)

↳ request : For first Happy new year Violette-san! (A bit late actually-) Can I take a black coffee? If it's not too much can I request some headcanons of Nanami with a pregnant s/o and how he would act with their child? (I don't mind the gender of the child but please don't stress yourself if you can't do this it's okay!^^) have a good day!

↳ barista’s notes : happy new year to you too~ and welcome to the first post ever since the update of the wip page and of course, we will start with a lovely headcanon featuring our favourite seven-three sorcerer: nanami kento, moving on from that, i hope you enjoy your cup of classic black coffee (jujutsu kaisen request!) and please come again anytime soon ʕ•ᴥ•ʔﾉ♡

↳ During your pregnancy :

The second you reveal to Nanami that you are pregnant, he becomes very attentive of you - in the beginning, you don’t realise it since it is subtle and you are not far off into your pregnancy. But later one, it becomes very noticeable since he keeps by your side 24/7

At first, both of you were extremely nervous since I believe you two weren’t planning on having any children due to your occupations of being jujutsu sorcerers and you both didn’t want to bring a child into the dangers of the world you both live in.

Nanami will make sure Gojo doesn’t bother you one bit, he will not allow the strongest sorcerer to have one step near you - he will willingly take the annoyance himself if he has to for you.

However, he will allow the students to come to talk to you since he knows that they won’t do anything to bother you that much and how much you love them - and even though Itadori is energetic, I feel like he would trust him the most.

He will force you to not work and if he sees you try to work - even at the early stages - he would lightly scold you for pushing yourself when you shouldn’t at all.

When it comes to the labour stage, Nanami is prepared and ready to take you to the hospital or to Ieiri and will be the most supportive man there is - he doesn’t care if he feels like you’re about to break his hand, he will continue holding your hand and tell you how well you are doing.

“You’re doing so well dear; you can do it, it’s going to be worth it after, I promise.”

Once you have given birth to your child, he would look at them with a soft expression on his face - probably the softest you have ever seen, especially when he is holding the baby - I feel like he would have a daughter but I will keep this hc gender natural.

↳ Nanami as a father :

Now on to fatherhood, he is the type of parent that will exhibit ‘tough love’ but like it’s limited - like he can discipline his child(ren) but he would quickly become the caring parent by telling them he just doesn’t want them to hurt themselves/get into trouble.

If his child wants to draw on his sword, he would allow them since it is like a good luck charm to him and a reminder that he has a family waiting for him to come home.

As he did during your pregnancy, he will make sure his child does not go anywhere near Gojo - he doesn’t want his children to learn his senior’s behaviour.

“Remember, what do you say when you see a man with white hair, tall and wears a blindfold or has blue eyes?”

“That they are a stranger and I should not talk to stupid people papa”

When you saw this happening, you couldn’t help but stare at both father and child with an amused look since it is quite funny what’s going on. However, you can’t help it but let it go on ahead because you really want to see how the whole thing plays out in real life.

When the child actually meets the man himself, they would just cling on to Nanami or you before saying ‘it’s the stranger papa/mama’ - Gojo would look at you and your husband with a hurt expression.

He will come home straight when the clock hits 6 pm no matter what, if he HAS to go overtime - he will text you and you’ll have to show your baby since they would always ask when their papa comes home even though he comes home at the same time every day.

Doesn’t admit it, but he will spoil his child when it comes to their birthdays - because why? They deserved it.

If their child picks up a hobby, he will encourage them as best as he can - if his child said they want to become a sorcerer….well, that’s another story but he will support them.

Overall, Nanami as a father is a healthy combination of strict and loving, he will protect his child in any way possible and will make sure their life is the happiness it can be.

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angeloroki · 4 years ago

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you're the only one — s. todoroki & a. tamaki

— character ; aged up!shoto todoroki x fem!reader, aged up!amajiki tamaki x fem!reader

— request ; Can I request sm? So shouto and tamaki ( feel free to remove any of them if you want to ) having I nightmare about there s/o cheat on them and when they wake up they are kind of upset or insecure and reader comfort them ( fem!reader plz )And don’t feel forced to do it just do it when you want to and ily take care of yourself 😘

— genre ; angst & fluff at the end

— warnings ; insecurity ?

— a/n ; well amajiki's is longer cuz i don't write much about him, i hope you'll like it anyway!

and ty for your request <3 take care of yourself too ily too muah!

shoto todoroki

you turned to the other side, expecting to feel the comforting warmth of your boyfriend at your side. just before you were greeted by an icy morning cold.

reluctantly, and slightly surprised, you opened your eyes to find that, instead of seeing his still beautiful morning face, you saw only a void.

you looked at the alarm clock on your bedside table, it was far too early for him to have left.

with a sigh, you grabbed your slippers and dressing gown, and left your warm bed to find a cold you wished you hadn't met so soon.

as you left your room, you ran into shoto in your small kitchen, sipping coffee. a smile slowly came to light up your tired face.

« you're up early today. » you say by way of a greeting.

with slow steps, you place a tender kiss on his cheek. nevertheless, what made you raise your eyebrows was the fact that he was avoiding you. since when was the list of ingredients in the packet of biscuits so interesting?

he greeted you anyway, in a low, monotonous and slightly broken voice.

« what's going on ? »

alerted by his sadness, you took his face in your hands in a matter of seconds. your piercing eyes stared intently at him, ready to relieve his pain whatever it was.

his face was red from crying, and you still had traces of it on his rosy cheeks. he tried to pull away, with a gentle but strong gesture. worried, you bit your upper lip to keep from crying back. it was rare to see him in this state, being usually stoic. few things could put him in such a state.

« nothing, i just had a bad dream. »

your hand remained on his cheek, and you gently forced him to look at you. with a gentle gesture, your other free hand came to meet his, a certain warmth came to warm you despite the morning cold.

« i'm listening baby. »

a long sigh escaped his lips.

« it's not worth it, y/n, just ridiculous. »

you frowned slightly.

« shoto, I'm worried. »

a faint smile stretched his lips slightly. and without you expecting it, he laid his head on your neck. his warm breath made you shiver.

« you abandoned me from one day to the next. without a word, without any explanation. in fact, you left me for another man. and that's how i understood that i wasn't good enough for you.

i know i'm not the ideal man, i'm quite atypical and i don't always show my love for you like other boyfriends do. and sometimes i wonder how a woman as fabulous as you can be with me. »

he stopped.

« you know i'm not stupid, i see how other men look at you. »

as he spoke, you could feel his tears rolling down your chest.

« but i love you. you're the first person i've ever loved this much. you've shown me another side of life that i never got to know because of my father. you've taught me to love y/n. i can't see myself without you. »

your hand came to meet his hair, which you gently stroked. a tear of your own this time came down your face too. you were kind of relieved that it wasn't that bad, although seeing him in that state kind of freaked you out.

« shoto todoroki, listen to me. you're the perfect man for me. you're the one who smiles at me without even meaning to. you're the one who got me to like cold soba. you're the one who comes to warm me up at night in your arms. you're the one i could die for. you're the one who manages to get me to watch the same cheesy romantic movie every night. you're the one i could talk to for hours and days. you're the one person i can see myself spending the rest of my life with. »

you didn't hear him crying anymore. instead, a comforting silence enveloped you both now.

« y/n - »

« you are the man of my life. and i love you like crazy, it scares me a little sometime how much love i have for you. you have no idea. »

with that, you placed a kiss on his lips, which tasted slightly salty from his now dry tears. it was with pleasure that you felt a smile stretch against your lips. his arms came around you in a long, loving hug.

« i love you, y/n l/n todoroki. »

amajiki tamaki

you had finished work earlier so you decided to surprise your fiancé by making his favourite dish.

you hadn't seen him this morning before you left for work, which surprised you a little because he always took the time to come and say hello or give you a kiss.

and now that you think about it, it's true that he hadn't texted you all day, which he usually did too. whether it was to complain about how he embarrassed himself in front of everyoneor just to slip a sweet i love you into your notifications.

had you pissed him off ? you shook your head at yourself, you don't remember if you did. you were probably imagining things.

a few minutes later, you heard the door slam and your boyfriend drop his stuff in front of the entrance. you expected him to come up behind you to give you a long, warm kiss. well, he didn't and probably won't because you heard him lock himself in your room.

you raised an eyebrow. something was wrong.

with a quick step, and slightly apprehensive, you joined him, and came upon a tamaki curled up in a ball in your bed.

you sat down next to him, putting your hand gently on his shoulder.

« tell me what's wrong. »

« i don't know what you're talking about. »

you flinch slightly at the tone of his voice. hard and cold it was. which was a big change from his usually soft and warm voice.

the high school amajiki had grown up, matured. you were able to be by his side as he evolved, he was now a confident and strong man. although old habits die hard

« huh ? did i do something ? »

he finally met your gaze, and it didn't match his tone. full of melancholy, his eyes were bright. he had been crying.

your expression, which at first was slightly annoyed, became more and more panicked. your hands automatically came to meet his, but they refused to meet them.

« tell me what the fuck is wrong ! »

« i - i don't know if it's a good idea for us to get married. »

you swallowed hard. the words stuck in your throat, you didn't understand what had just happened.

« w-why ? » you asked silently.

« i'm not good enough for you, you deserve better. let's stop kidding ourselves. »

an unpleasant heat came over your face, it was anger rising.

how could he know that you deserved better ? didn't your unconditional love for him count for anything ?

« why- why are you saying all this now ? »

it wasn't like him. he had a tendency to doubt himself sometimes, but he had never doubted your love for each other.

« isaw that you had cheated on me. in a dream, of course. you seemed happy with this man. he was everything i wasn't. perfect. i don't want you to waste your time with me, i don't want you to make the mistake of your life by getting engaged to me... i'm just a waste of time, well i've always been anyway. you must think i'm exaggerating and being ridiculous... i probably am... »

he lowered his head as he spoke, now refusing to look you in the eye. it was as if he were eighteen again, the shy and anxious teenager who refused to make eye contact with anyone when he was embarrassed.

a slight gasp escaped your lips.

your hands finally met his, you smiled softly when he didn't try to pull away. you let the silence settle comfortably between you, letting the gestures express your thoughts.

your soft gestures that had already comforted him many times in the hardest moments as well as in the most joyful ones. the same ones that had always succeeded in making him feel loved and safe in your fusional relationship.

he relaxed little by little in your arms, letting all his doubts fly away with this tension that paralyzed his muscles.

you finally spoke up when you were in a fairly comfortable position, both in each other's arms.

« amajiki, baby. i could never be this happy with anyone else. and i mean it. you're the one i grew up with, loved, cried with, laughed with. how can you say you're a waste of time? sweetie, even if we broke up, i'd be happy to tell everyone i loved a great man like you. but i know that's never going to happen, because i'm ready to say yes to you when the time comes. »

his grip around your waist tightened slightly.

« i - »

a tear rolled down your cheek. It wasn't sad, it represented all the love you had for him.

« you don't have to say anything, just kiss me tamaki. »

with your eyes closed, you felt his lips against yours. he had a gift for giving sweet kisses too.

« let me make you the happiest of brides y/n.. »

#bnha x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki x reader #todoroki x y/n #todoroki x you #shoto x y/n #shoto x you #shoto todoroki x you #amajiki x y/n #amajiki x reader #amajiki x you #tamaki x y/n #tamaki x you #amajiki tamaki x reader

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btsandvmin · 4 years ago

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Ask: Reply - 2021.04.16

Time to answer some more of your questions. I have a lot this time, and still a lot left I’ll have to save to another post. You are all very good at being curious and asking interesting questions. There are also some asks that are replies to old asks, and then I’ll include the link to the referenced post.

This time the topics will be:

Ask 1 - About KTH1 and expectations Ask 2 - KTH1 spoiler with “Oh lady” Ask 3 - Vminies getting superiority complex Ask 4 - Not dismissing the bond between Vmin and the other boys Ask 5 - Other people’s words can influence your thoughts Ask 6 - Vmin not sharing rooms in Bon Voyage Malta Ask 7 - Has being a Vmin shipper always been so overwhelming with all the content? Ask 8 - “Just a friend” interview Ask 9 - The garnet necklace Ask 10 - Vmin in CMs Ask 11 - Taehyung uncomfortable about shipping/tae*kook? Ask 12 - What did Jimin write on his shirt in Run ep. 53? Ask 13 - Gina Maeng ask follow up Ask 14 - Vmin’s love is beautiful (and so much nice praise omg)

Today’s post is a long one... Enjoy!

Ask 1 - About KTH1 and expectations

Ok, so I did write a shit post about this... (I mean… This is literally all Vmin’s songs so far ), but I still think your questions are worth a proper answer.

Honestly I think speculating about KTH1 is kind of hard, and as seen in the shit post I am quite torn with my expectations... In general I am the type who doesn’t like to expect too much in fear of being disappointed. I rather be pleasantly surprised. That being said Vmin does have a track record of getting involved in each other’s songs. I mean a lot is just speculation of course, but we do have confirmed cases as well, enough to not be too surprised if they would keep it up and do something for Tae’s solo album as well. (Tae saying his mixtape would be named Jimin back in 2016 still haunts me.)

On the other hand, they have already given us a lot of collabs. Adding more would feel more like a statement, at least if it would be only Jimin out of the members on that album. The thing is that if Vmin would have something “real” or at least if they are a bit careful with how they come across... I am not sure they would do something too “obvious”. But where such a line would be drawn is impossible to know. I mean clearly they managed to write and sing Friends and it worked fine, even if they did get more attention as a ship.

We also know Tae has been quite loud about Jimin in ways that single him out, so maybe they would really dare push the boundaries as far as actually including Jimin in the album somehow. It’s also very possible there could be other members, and honestly we probably shouldn’t hyper focus too much on it and that it has to mean something no matter if anyone is on it or not.

I think one of the rappers being on it is probably more likely out of the members, but it seems Tae has shown an interest in collabs with people outside of BTS, so that’s kind of what I am expecting the most. No matter who in the group is on it I am sure fans will make a big deal out of it, and maybe Tae would rather have his own thing for his first album. I really don’t know how his thoughts would go.

But again, looking at how Tae and Jimin has talked about working together, and have had moments like Tae promising Jimin a song or Tae saying they will work together again... It’s definitely not impossible to get another Vmin song. I do feel it’s more likely for any connections to be vague and not instantly noticeable though (at least not anything romantic looking because we know what happened to the Christmas song). Especially considering how they have only recently revealed things like 4 clock’s inspiration more openly and had Friends followed by Sweet Night. My main stance for any possible real ship is still that they have reason to be careful, and yet another Vmin collab, on Taehyung’s first personal album would probably raise some eyebrows considering everything else we already have. But it could also be me over analyzing them, and maybe they just really like and want to work together. Tae for sure has after all been vocal about this preference and want to work with Jimin.

So yeah, on one hand they have a track record that is hard to ignore... But on the other I wonder if they might want to add another “point” for ARMY to look at them and their songs. I also don’t want to assume that if there are songs on there that sound romantic that they automatically will be about Jimin. There will have to be legit possible connections for me to acknowledge them.

It’s tricky. I guess we will have to wait and see. I am kind of scared both that there won’t be anything or that there will be SOMETHING. Thank you for the ask, and I hope I shed some light on my thoughts on this subject. Either way I am very excited and looking forward to an album full of Taehyung’s own songs and the stories he wants to tell.

Ask 2 - KTH1 spoiler with “Oh lady”

I am not sure it is “lady”, since it’s a bit unclear in general. He also has a part that just seems to go “do be do” and I don’t know if the lyrics are even finished or if he worked with someone else etc. We basically lack a lot of information. But even so using lady/her/she etc. in a song doesn’t have to mean it is about a specific person or that the person is a she or that it is Taehyung’s own feelings (I know he said he usually sings about things he have felt, but just saying it doesn’t always have to be).

Of course I don’t want to downplay it and say it doesn’t mean anything, but considering their fanbase is majority women, they live in a homophobic country and he has even been denied to sing a romantic song with a man before, it’s not impossible to add that to make it more “relatable” or less “gay”. God, that sounds terrible. I don’t want to start discussions where we don’t take their words for what they are, so I hope you might understand my point of view. That being said of course it could just as easily be to or about a specific woman in his life that we don’t know about. Or as you say, he isn’t actually in love but is simply writing love songs that could be inspired by non-romantic relationships or movies etc. as was the case for his inspiration for Winter Bear.

Tae also used “she” in Winter Bear, and that seems a bit forgotten. Or people try to say it has to be about his grandmother... Which we obviously don’t know, it’s just the woman people jump to since he used “she” and many people don’t like the idea of him dating a woman or writing about a woman we don’t know. Either way I think we need to remember that anything is possible and we don’t know them personally and how they think or why they choose to do what they do.

I think we need to remember that there is always going to be the possibility that ships aren’t real, that the romantic songs aren’t about Jimin and that either one of them could be in a relationship with someone else (all genders included).

Ask 3 - Vminies getting superiority complex

Hello! I want to address something that has been bothering me for a while now. I have been seeing some vminnies have a superiority complex just bcoz they ship vmin. Its very rampant among new vminnies and twt vminnies. I get that we all feel validated and happy when out OTP claim to be soulmates and bff. I feel that way too. But people have to remember that vmin are real people and their relationship is dynamic. Like they did grow from bff who used to tease e/o and fight alot to soulmates who are gentle and caring. Who is to say that one day they wont drift apart (i hope not and dont think thats gonna happen but for argument sake) so there is no reason to feel superior or look down on other shippers.

If people think vminnies are superior bcoz they are not toxic they probably know they are lying. Lbr i have seen my share of toxic vminnies though may be a lesser number but they are there and its not the ship but its that particular person who is at fault. While i agree that some ship theories cultivate hate and toxicity there may be people among those ships who are just as sane and good as we claim to be. I just wanted to address this bcoz seeing some vminnies on twt saying locals thinking vmin were tgt after coway add is a validation kind of triggered me. I m sure there would have been similar responses to any other ship bcoz they all have been tgt for a decade and are very comfortable with e/o. I just wanted to talk to someone about this and i know you have discussed similar topics in the past. So yeah this was very long.

First of all, on request I won’t show your name, but thank you for sending me this and letting me know who you are. It’s always nice to know who is behind the question. But that being said I don’t mind people asking on anon, I totally get it being a lot easier to ask or question things when you don’t have to reveal yourself. Either way I am just glad to get interesting and important topics and I do think the things you bring up are worth talking about.

As you say, there is this thing when people start to feel and act superior for various reasons, and I too have seen some Vminies do this. Getting a lot of moments is sure nice. But honestly, just imagine if another ship came and mocked Vmin or gloated every time they got more moments. It has surely happened too, and I am sure it doesn’t feel very nice when on the negative end. Just be a decent human, ship moments will always vary and it’s great to be happy about getting moments, but there is no need to compare or look down on other ships. I say it again, shipping is not a competition, just enjoy your own ship and let others enjoy theirs.

As for feelings superior based on group behavior I think we really need to stop looking at groups and start looking at individuals, both when it comes to groups we are part of and groups we consider “bad”. I have said it many times, but individuals of other groups we don’t agree with won’t all be bad, or all stupid or young etc. We might want to tell ourselves they are worse, but it really doesn’t change much.

Being “less bad” it not a merit and it shouldn’t be a competition. We all have our own selves to answer to and we should judge other people based on their actions and not based on what group they might belong to.

I think size and the toxicity of a narrative can lead to more people in certain groups behaving in toxic ways... But I think any person could happen to fall into these behaviors if not careful and aware. Often the change is gradual too, or you feel attacked by the other “rival group” and thus feel it’s justified to attack back, and so it escalates.

Vminies are at the moment as a group smaller, and thus have less “bad apples”. We likely also have a narrative for Vmin that doesn’t require as toxic mindsets, for example extreme jealousy or Vmin being forced to hide. But there for sure are still toxic Vminies, and there are also a lot of non-toxic shippers in all groups. Usually the louder ones are also the worst ones while the chill and nice will remain in their own lane and ship more peacefully. But being part of a smaller group doesn’t make you superior, your actions is what is important.

As for small moments getting noticed or other types of “validation” for your ship, of course it’s going to feel nice. However, what people see and think of any relationship in BTS is still just an outsider view and literally has no meaning for their actual relationship beyond it being a cute moment. That’s why size and popularity also doesn’t matter as any kind of “proof”. Interpretation will always just be interpretation, good or bad, if you like it or not.

Sadly I think we will get more and more toxic behavior from more ships as the fandom grows and as some things get more normalized within those ships’ communities. It’s about certain behaviors growing into a community culture... The more toxicity that is allowed the more others will follow. That’s why bringing up the problems is important, but trying to do so without shunning people so that they don’t go and create their own space where everyone else is the enemy. After all, being open and welcoming and understanding is much more likely to make someone listen and even change their mind than by attacking them.

I answer for my own actions. So does every person. I don’t want to be judged for everything every Vminie or ARMY or Multi K-pop fan etc. has done. Generalization is a huge problem in general, not just in fandoms or ship wars. I do try to be a positive influence, to not judge too harshly and to remember that being hostile won’t help any situation. But that’s about it. I am glad you brought up this topic, because talking about it is important, but sadly I don’t think there is a lot that can be done about it. Just try to be nice and open minded.

Thank you for the ask, I hope you all understood what I wanted to say.

Ask 4 - Not dismissing the bond between Vmin and the other boys

Thank you. I really see no need for it. It’s clear as day that they all love each other, and even if one pair would happen to be romantic instead of platonic that won’t change. We don’t have to compare and we definitely don’t have to downplay the moments they share with each other. All shippers should at the very least accept the the things they do and say as mostly genuine. I trust BTS and what they show us, it’s that easy.

I know some also get influenced by toxic fans, but we really need to remember that no narratives by fans matter when it comes to reality and what bonds BTS share with each other. They are all great people and seem to have such love and respect for each other I frankly don’t understand how you can be a fan if you think any of it is played up to the point some claim.

Likely no ship in BTS is real, but if any is, to me I am sure the ones involved would be happy and supported by the rest of the members. That’s why it doesn’t really matter what ship would be real or not real as long as they are happy. We shouldn’t let our own views and sometimes want or hopes affect the way be judge their reality. This applies for things outside shipping as well.

Thank you for your kind words. :)

Ask 5 - Other people’s words can influence your thoughts

Indeed. The brain is a powerful thing. This is very obvious if you are a multi-shipper or a general fan, but BTS truly has a lot of questionable moments between all kinds of pairs. Focus is a interesting thing. If you like something you will notice it more, and you will also remember it more while you forget other moments. Likewise if something is “negative” like a rival ship you are likely to notice them more as well. This happens even if you just watch the general content and get your own bias. Imagine then how it might influence you when others keep repeating either your happy interpretations or things you worry about? You’ll get it stuck in your head and remember it more than other things.

Like isn’t it funny how we might gush about Vmin sharing beds, or worry about ji/kook or tae/kook cuddling while hope/kook literally sleep wrapped around each other in both Bon Voyage 3 and 4? Sometimes it’s all about perspective.

By now we need to realize that fan perspective will influence us a lot. And in particular if a lot of people say it or if it is presented in a way that makes it sound logical and intelligent. Words have power.

I still think using “Vmin is dead” or spreading worry often in itself leads to people thinking it and it being somehow accepted as fact. In similar fashion getting to hear about certain ships or certain narratives will make us notice things in relation to that. My own words and posts too will have influence on some people that read them. That’s why I try to be so careful, and why I try to avoid using strong words or claims that might cement themselves in someone’s mind. (I’ll actually talk more about the power of language in my big analysis as well)

Thank you for your input, it’s definitely an interesting thing to consider and another aspect of why shipping mentality is so complicated.

Ask 6 - Vmin not sharing rooms in Bon Voyage Malta

Hi and yes, I have answered this before HERE, but it’s ok. I know it’s not easy finding old topics amongst my collection posts.

Collection of asks - BTSandVMIN Collection of asks 2 - BTSandVMIN Collection of asks 3 - BTSandVMIN

In short I think Vmin wanted to share rooms but that Taehyung got fooled when Jimin stopped him from checking the upper room. Because it seemed like Jimin stopped him from walking into that room by saying he couldn’t peak Tae probably assumed it wasn’t Jimin’s room and that when Jimin said it was his room he was joking (his face was definitely something). So yeah, I think he just got fooled by Jimin’s statement about not being allowed to look inside the room before picking. There are other interesting things about this whole moment, but the one thing we should take away from it is how it is one out of now many examples that seem to show that Vmin have a preference to share rooms/beds. Thank you for the ask. :)

Ask 7 - Has being a Vmin shipper always been so overwhelming with all the content?

I wouldn’t say it’s something recent. I say it often, but we really do get very intense periods from time to time with many of the ships. For example in February 2017 with ISAC, fan signs and everything else we got a lot of Vmin too. I remember being overwhelmed myself, and that was coming out of BST era Vmin. We got many moments every day and that’s just one specific period I can remember.

Over the years sometimes we do get these very intense days or weeks with a lot of moments at once. Usually I get asks like “do you think something is up with Vmin lately” or “wow I can’t believe how much Vmin we have gotten lately” but really, it’s hard to tell, because it really does happen from time to time. I also still say we always get Vmin moments regularly as long as we get BTS content, but sometimes a bit more and sometimes less. I am sure there will be more times when we also get “Vmin is dead“ and worried people because we get less moments than they expect. It just happens, up and down and around it goes.

As for what ships are big I will definitely say Ji/kook and Tae/kook are the biggest, but that all BTS ships are big by now. Meaning as soon as we do get moments it will be seen online. Especially if you follow people who talk about it of course. I also think what platform you are on can result in some ships being seen more than others. For example I know ji/kook is by far the biggest BTS ship here on Tumblr while Youtube seems to have more tae/kookers.

Thank you for the ask. Let’s hope Vmin keeps overwhelming us. (But let’s not start to worry if they don’t) ;)

Ask 8 - “Just a friend” interview

Ah yes, I have a bit of a soft spot for this interview myself. I am not sure, but I think it might be from 2017 (since Tae wrote a birthday letter to Jimin in 2016), or at least that’s when I found it and saved it down. I haven’t actually tracked the original source. You can find the translation in the link shared HERE, credits to @95z.

Seeing this close after the chaos of Let’s BTS and other letter confessions it really does seem very cringe for them to express sincere thoughts in these more formal ways. I can’t blame them.

I do think this interview is yet another example of how much Vmin has tried to adapt to each other, learn and be more open with expressing how they feel. They literally inspire and learn from each other in how to express themselves. Isn’t it completely endearing?

I also love how they get each other to feel strong emotions and how they are there for each other when in need. On a slightly more analytical note I also can’t help but note the “just a friend” vs “soulmate” descriptions and how they seem to have a hard time putting it into proper words. We already know this of course, but yeah... They really don’t have an easy time describing their relationship.

Thank you so much for sharing this moment. I was going to talk about it in my big analysis anyways, but honestly I can’t save everything for it, and you mentioned it so who am I to keep it to myself.

Ask 9 - The garnet necklace

Oh yeah, I know that JK wore it once and that the talk was that a fan gave it to all of maknae line. Not much was ever confirmed from what I know, but regardless it doesn’t change why I think it’s a Vmin/soulmate necklace and why I see it as special.

Here is the thing, when I use “Vmin thing” it really doesn’t have to be exclusive. To me it’s the context around it and how they have used it and even reacted to it that makes the garnet necklace something special for Vmin. In the case of the soulmate necklace Vmin wore it a lot. Almost constantly during a big part of 2017 and even a bit into 2018. They also wore it at the same time a lot. I find this very cute, and we all know “couple items” is something all fans enjoy even if it would just be a platonic relationship behind it. But if both of them wearing it was all there was, as a lot of Vmin sharing clothes (or BTS in general sharing clothes) I wouldn’t really think too much about it beyond it being cute. It could still be just a cute thing that Vmin did, but I personally see it as something beyond the normal clothes/jewelry sharing.

(At the very least you can remember Vmin did this while people thought their relationship was dead, which doesn’t make much sense to do if you hate or dislike someone.)

The things I find more noteworthy about this necklace is the fact that the fandom picked up on it and because they wore it so much and so often at the same time it was dubbed the “soulmate necklace”. Possibly knowing this Tae also brought specific attention to the necklace at two times, as if wanting to show it off. Interestingly enough, in one of these times Jimin seemed to ignore Taehyung who was bringing attention to it on purpose. For me it came across as another thing Taehyung wanted to show off and that Jimin was a bit more careful about.

Of course I could have read it wrong, maybe Jimin just misunderstood. But even so, Tae did bring attention to it in specific relation to Jimin. You can watch the clip HERE. (BTS Tell Us What They Love About Each Other & An Update On Tony & Nate From America Hustle Life)

The other time was in Run ep. 39, right after Vmin talked about being in school together and showing off their school uniforms. If Tae is the one to try and highlight something, I feel it likely has some meaning to him at least.

Either way the necklace is basically a symbol of Vmin’s relationship and the fact that they liked it so much and wore it together during a long period I think they liked wearing it not only because they both happened to like the design but because they both had it. If JK also had one and didn’t use it of course it could include him, but I will still say it remains significant for Vmin’s bond with each other.

As for buying a necklace together they haven’t talked about this one in particular, but Tae did mention he bought his tiger necklace with Jimin in NY, so maybe you are mixing the two things up?

Ask 10 - Vmin in CMs

Thank you for loving my blog and for the ask! :) I am not sure if you perhaps meant in a lot of BTS own photoshoots/units as well, but I’ll focus on CMs in this post since that was your direct example. I might go a bit beyond here, but I saw it as a good chance to revisit some Vmin ad moments.

I wouldn’t personally say we have gotten “way more” but I do think because of their Friends unit they got to do some more interviews together and some CM stuff too. I also think we have gotten more BTS commercials in general now, likely because it’s an income alternative to touring during the pandemic. So that obviously means more CMs, and more chances for them to be paired up. They also have gotten paired with others of course (like in the Bodyfriend CM or Baskin Robbins), but most commonly they aren’t divided in smaller groups at all.

We also have gotten Vmin paired up before, both in photoshoots and in CMs. Of course we saw some great ones in 2016 with Puma and NUGU, but I don’t think we got that much more in 2016 and before than in 2017-2019. I think what we can see is BTS having more endorsements after Covid.

Like honestly, the Puma adds are iconic. Of course the original one, but also the revisits from 2018. Puma definitely seemed to like to pair Vmin in particular. (There are so many good examples from Puma that I’m not including)

We also got a snippet in the Hyundai one, also from 2018.

Another snippet from the Coconut Chicken ad from 2017.

I mean, I don’t know if I should count the snippets at all, like from BTS x VT cosmetics in 2019, but I feel sometimes just being seen in the same frame seems to get attention as being paired up so. (I decided to not include being together when it’s at least a third member in the frame)

And guys... Have you ever watched BTS and the milk song?

What did we get so far more recently? In 2020 we had the Hyundai interview.

And the hyundai #PositiveEnergyChallenge

Fila provided a nice one, also from 2020.

Samsung gave us a snippet recently.

Coway was basically couple goals and like the best one in my own opinion (besides Puma because it is going to take a lot to beat Puma).

But other than that? I don’t think we have seen it that much, have we? I am not complaining or anything, like I am happy with what we got, but I don’t know if it’s that much. I might forget some obvious ones, but these were the ones I had top of mind. Feel free to add ads if you can think of more recent ones that I left out.

So I think we have gotten more BTS ads in general, also more where they are not all of them or single focus, and that we have seen maybe Vmin getting paired a little more after Friends. But to me there is such a small difference I can’t really say if it is anything particular to Vmin or just BTS doing more CMs.

I mean, I don’t have a sheet of who has been paired with who and how many times over the years. But either way I don’t think we should look too deeply into things like CMs or even photoshoots units. Thanks for the ask though, I hope you enjoyed this mini collection. :)

Ask 11 - Taehyung uncomfortable about shipping/tae*kook?

So this is a thought sent in after THIS ASK though it really brings up a new subject, which is that of Tae possibly being uncomfortable with shipping. As for Tae saying that to a tae/kooker in particular I think we have to remember it could very easily just have been in the moment and we can’t know why he decided to reply to that person in particular.

The Vmin post was not invasive and it wasn’t romantic. I mean, I do think Tae keeps showing again and again that if there is any person in BTS that is special to him it’s Jimin. But the difference in the posts also likely matters, but we can’t know how much. We don’t know if Tae would feel annoyed if a Vminie wrote the same thing as the tae/kooker did, and we don’t know if it was just in that moment that he got fed up with the shipping discourse in general, or if it was because it was tae/kook.

Honestly any shipper, regardless if a ship would eventually prove to be real or not, should not go and invade spaces where the boys get exposed to it. We don’t know if Taehyung would have reacted in a similar way if it happened to be another ship.

Personally I don’t think tae/kook drifted apart as a result of shipping, because honestly they still kept being pretty intimate physically and engaged in fanservice on stage etc. If they truly were uncomfortable with the idea I just don’t think they would “feed it” much at all. I think as they said in ITS they just, kind of changed and it became harder to talk. I’ve talked more about tae/kook and my views on their bond in THIS POST and a little in THIS POST as well as about BTS possible stance on shipping HERE.

I also think all of BTS has a pretty good distance from hate and fandom speculations in general. I think that because they know about shipping and partly also feed into it they probably expect crazy people to some degree as well, even if they probably don’t like it. Hetero shippers as well, or solo stans etc. have very toxic behaviors at times, but I think BTS can recognize that it is kind of “bound to happen” with their popularity, no matter what they do about it. Not saying they would like it, and they could definitely feel awkward or annoyed because of it, but it doesn’t seem to bother them too much as I think they can detach themselves from it pretty well.

I also think “fan opinions” in form of rival shipping wouldn’t really harm a hidden couple as it first would likely be a sort of “shield” and second because they have their relationships and are likely comfortable with them on their own terms. What fans think is probably secondary.

It is possible that they could get annoyed or frustrated at times, but again, if they truly felt bothered by it they probably wouldn’t do a lot of the things they do. Because I am sure they are aware to some degree that fans scrutinize their every move and ship moments. Both Tae and Jimin are some of the most physical out of the members, and also some of the members that seem to like to initiate fanservice moments... So I doubt they would have much problem and can feel secure enough in their relationship no matter what fans think.

Ask 12 - What did Jimin write on his shirt in Run ep. 53?

Hi, I guess you got curious after I talked about this episode recently in my post Ask: Reply - 2021.03.30 (Ask 8 - Going down the rabbit hole, micromoments and shipping vs believing).

I don’t know hangul, but I do know what “Jimin” looks like. On Jimin’s shirt from behind the scenes of Run ep. 53 you can see he’s written his own name “지민” Jimin followed by what looks to be “ 님 “ which is nim. So basically the text on the container in the picture says Sir Jimin.

Jimin seemed very keen on writing his name on both his own shirt and on Tae’s and even tried on JK’s. He failed of course, but he sure did try.

Thank you for the ask, and isn’t Tae cute?

Ask 13 - Gina Maeng ask follow up

Glad you liked my reply. :) (From Ask: Reply - 2021.03.30 Ask 4 - Idols dating members of the same group). Yeah I get what you mean, talking about it openly I suppose isn’t so normal. But since it seems to be more and more fans who assume it happens to some degree maybe it’s not so strange if it starts getting more talked about as well. I’ll take it as a good sign, even if the information is nothing new in itself, being more open is going to make it easier for fans to realize it’s possible for their idols to be LGBT+ or have hidden relationships.

As for K-Population it doesn’t seem to be too well known, but it’s one of few actual examples to be found. So yeah, interesting that we know it has happened, and also that it shows what risks it could mean to get involved with a group member. I think the risk of a falling out is something a lot of shippers tend to forget. Anyways, thank you for your reply. ^_^

Ask 14 - Vmin’s love is beautiful (and so much nice praise omg)

Oh my... I am not sure I have ever been called sweetheart by anyone ever before. Thank you! You are making me blush with all the praise. 💜💜💜

But really, we can all just watch Vmin in awe and be happy they have each other and feel such immense love for each other, no matter what that love is. It’s kind of amazing. Like even if they are platonic their relationship is so wholesome and they put so much love and effort into it that it’s truly inspirational. I love when we get bombed with moments like this with a very intense period of great Vmin interactions. As you, me too never fail to feel all soft watching them together.

95z is love and what a love they share. Truly wonderful. 💜

You take care too, and really, thank you so much for this lovely message. it means a lot and is very heartwarming.

And with that sweet ask I’ll end the post. There was a lot of very different questions and I feel I could have written more about many of them, but alas I need to remember I can’t write full essays on everything or I would never get anything posted. Thank you all for reading and I hope you found my thoughts and speculations interesting. ^-^

#vmin #vmin analysis #btsandvmin #ask: reply #vmin collection #vmin ad #vmin cm #vmin commercial #vmin gif #vmin photo #bts shipping #btsandvmin answer #my post #Ask: Reply - 2021.04.16 #vmin soulmate necklace

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ifmywishescametrue · 4 years ago

Note

Hi love. I adore your work. Can you write for the prompt “You need to get out of there!” for stevetony? I’m a sucker for za *angst* and I can already imagine tiny Stark being his stupid adorable self and getting in trouble.

hiii thank you!! idk how this ended up being 3k words, but i hope that you like it!

It happens so quickly that Tony doesn’t even have time to really process it. One moment things are as close to fine as they can be in the middle of a fight. He’s close to breaking through the system, just a few keystrokes and a minute away from being able to stop the near army of robots right from the source. The next is filled with blaring alarms and dust starting to fall from the ceiling, though he hardly notices through the laser-focus. He hears Steve’s voice through the comm line in his ear and rolls his eyes, but doesn’t respond.

“Iron Man, you need to get out of there!” Steve says again, firmer and louder, and this time Tony opens his mouth to tell him off for being distracting right when he’s almost done, but the words die on his tongue at the first crashing beam.

All he actually manages are a few ineloquent curses muttered under his breath while he scrambles to finish his task. Adrenaline and fear are coursing through him in equal parts, but the fear isn’t for himself. It’s for what happens if he doesn’t do this. If the building takes him out before he can take out the enemy, leaving the other five with far too many opponents to handle on their own. He can see it now - their blood on his hands because he wasn’t fast enough. Just one job to do and he couldn’t do it right.

There’s more shouting on the comm line, more than just Steve, but Tony can’t take the time to listen to it. The floor is shaking beneath him, and the dust in the air has accumulated to cloud his vision. He’s thankful he has the foresight to ventilate the suit through numerous filters, otherwise it would be getting hard to breathe.

There’s flashing on the monitors in front of him, and he knows he’s done it by the way everything goes quiet for just a second, then explodes back into sound. He hears the relief in Clint’s voice, followed by the barely concealed panic in Steve’s as he urges him to get out of the building yet again.

Tony powers up the suit to go back out through the shattered window he came through in the first place. No longer focused on dismantling the system, he realizes that the window doesn’t exist anymore. The wall has collapsed on itself, the left side of the room blocked off with rubble. His initial scan of the building showed another floor above him and two below, joined only by one set of stairs, but those were off to the left, too. The suit could probably make it through the wall directly, if he got enough power going. Might break a bone or two, he thinks, but with no other way out, he’ll take the risk. As he scans the walls again for the weakest point, he says into the comm, “Be out in a sec. Maybe, uh, get ready to catch me.”

Whatever Steve says next comes through layers of static, cutting in and out until the only word Tony can make out is his own name. It’s the last thing he hears as he turns up the repulsors to full speed and aims for the center of the wall.

______________

All things considered, it could have gone worse. He has a concussion that makes him feel dizzy and a couple of large gashes in his abdomen from where the suit had caved in just a bit that required more than a few stitches. Two broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder top it off, but he doesn’t need to be in the hospital for more than a day. A precaution to make sure his concussion doesn’t turn into something worse.

He tells himself that the short stay is why Steve didn’t show. Natasha was the first to come, with her own fresh bandages on her arms and stitches in a jagged cut on her forehead. She told him about the end of the fight from the outside, and the way all the robots suddenly came to a stop, just like Tony predicted when he told them his plan for going into that building in the first place. Clint and Thor come together after. Their loud voices make his headache worsen, and the laughter makes his ribs ache, but he can’t bring himself to be upset about it. Pepper ends up kicking them out when she arrives and notices that he winces a little every time Thor speaks. Bruce is last, arriving the next morning after he’s recovered from those few hours as the Hulk, but still looking tired from it. He sits with Tony while the doctor tells him about all the things he shouldn’t be doing for a while, then rides home with him.

In the elevator, Tony thinks about telling JARVIS to take him to the workshop, but one stern look from Bruce makes him reconsider.

“It’s really not that bad,” Tony tries to argue.

“You’re not allowed to move your right shoulder.”

“But my hands are working just fine.”

“You can’t even stand up straight. You’re actually swaying right now.”

Tony shrugs with just the left side of his body and grimaces when it pulls on his broken ribs. “So I’ll sit down.”

Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose. “Don’t make me physically restrain you.”

“Kinky,” Tony jokes, but it falls flat because Bruce clearly isn’t in the mood for his humor and his own heart isn’t in it, anyway. He sighs and recognizes the losing battle. “Fine, take me to the penthouse, J.”

Bruce walks out of the elevator with him, hovering close behind like he’s prepared to catch him if he suddenly passes out. Which is fair, Tony supposes, because his vision goes dark around the edges a couple of times before he makes it to his bed. It’s why Tony only complains a little when Bruce kneels to take his shoes off for him when he sits down at the edge of the mattress.

“Alright, stop that, I can take care of myself,” Tony says, pushing on Bruce’s shoulder. Except the pain in his ribs and head that he gets when he bends over makes him audibly groan, and he feebly sits back up. “Okay, nevermind. You’ve got it covered. Even if this does make the top twenty most embarrassing list.”

“It makes it that high?” Bruce teases, and Tony weakly kicks at him.

Out of his shoes, Tony maneuvers himself under the covers the best he can, trying to find a position that doesn’t make any of his injuries hurt. The pain medication he’s on is fairly low grade by choice, because he hates the stronger stuff, but he’s wondering now if the fuzzy head it gives him might be worth it.

Bruce lingers a little awkwardly after, so Tony half-jokingly asks, “Are you going to stay and watch me sleep?”

Rolling his eyes, Bruce says, “No, but it’s my shift to make sure you don’t do something stupid, so I’ll be in the living room.”

“Your shift?” Tony raises his eyebrows.

“Nat’s up next. Clint’s after her.”

“I wasn’t aware I needed babysitting.” He tries to sound annoyed, but he isn’t, really. It’s almost nice that they’re concerned.

“Thor’s on night shift,” Bruce smiles. “Figured he’s the one most capable of carrying you back to bed if needed.”

After his absence at the hospital, the lack of mention of Steve sticks out even more. Not that it wouldn’t have anyway. His life revolves around the presence of Steve a little more than he wants to admit, but no one else needs to know that he plans his appearances in the communal kitchen in the mornings based on when Steve will be back from his runs or that it’s never a coincidence that he only remembers to be on time for team dinners when Steve is the one that did the cooking.

His face must reveal enough for him, though, because Bruce’s smile softens with just a touch of sadness and something that’s a little too close to pity for his liking. He doesn’t say anything about it, though. He just reminds Tony that he’ll be right in the other room if he needs anything, and Tony thinks about it while he’s trying to fall asleep.

It was almost something, he thinks. Him and Steve. It seemed like it to him, anyway, if the recent interactions were anything to go by. He didn’t think he was imagining the change in the way that Steve had been looking at him lately. The way the glances seemed to linger, eyes flitting down to his lips and back up again, and his cheeks turning a pretty shade of pink every time Tony caught him staring. Then there were the almost dates - restaurants Steve always claimed he’d been meaning to try, movies, museums, baseball games. Always on nights all the others just happened to be unavailable, leaving just the two of them. He swears he saw Steve glaring at Clint the one time he actually said yes to one of those half-hearted invitations. Clint’s yes turned to a no just a moment later.

There’s a new ache in his chest that has nothing to do with the injuries when he realizes just how wrong he was about it all. He must have read too much into it. Mistaken Steve’s friendliness for genuine affection. He would be here otherwise.

______________

True to their word, his friends really do stay around the clock, though the shifts aren’t exactly accurate. Natasha and Clint usually come together, and Bruce doesn’t usually leave for a while after they do. Someone’s always there in a way that would border on stifling if he didn’t secretly soak up all of the attention with fervor. It’s a few days before his dislocated shoulder no longer needs a sling and his concussion has mostly cleared up so he can do more than lounge around. Steve is painfully absent for all of it, and he finds out on the third day that he’s left for a mission without saying goodbye. Natasha distracts him from how badly that stings by asking him which shade of nail polish she should paint his toenails with. He ends up with glittery pink and a pit in his stomach.

It’s a week after the bruises have already faded that Steve comes back, and Tony pettily decides that two can play the avoidance game. His hurt has morphed from sadness into anger, because even if Steve didn’t share his feelings he could have at least bothered to ask how he was. Even a text would have been better than this.

Knowing Steve’s schedule pays off in the opposite way now. He knows when to avoid all of the common areas, like the gym and kitchen. If he needs more coffee in the middle of the day, he knows to go between one and three, because Steve will be in a training session with the new Shield agents. If he shows up a little late for movie night, the only seat left will be the uncomfortable armchair in the corner that no one really likes, but he won’t have to awkwardly avoid touching Steve on the couch.

Days pass like that, with Natasha giving him tired looks every time she catches him sneaking around and Bruce bordering on annoyed with how many times Tony goes to his lab instead of his own just in case Steve decides today is the day he wants to start coming by again. It’s childish, he knows, and it grows even more childish when he reasons that Steve started it first.

He shouldn’t be surprised when the rest of the team decides that enough is enough, though he is surprised that they choose the pantry of all places for it. The ambush happens on a Monday evening, right when Tony is coming back from a long day of meetings that already have him feeling drained. Natasha grabs his arm, and it seems innocent enough at first. Until she pushes him into the pantry and slams the door shut behind him. He nearly topples right into Steve, who catches him by the elbow and rights him before he can fall. There’s the sound of something being dragged in front of the door, then Clint’s voice on the other side.

“Get your shit together, and then you can come out again,” he says.

Tony sputters, flitting between glaring at the door and at Steve. The look towards Steve softens a bit when he realizes that he looks just as confused as Tony, then hardens again when he remembers that he’s still angry at him.

He turns to the door and pounds his fist against it. “Guys, open the damn door. This is fucking ridiculous.”

“So is watching you two avoid each other like the plague,” Bruce says.

“Just talk to each other and stop being dumbasses,” Nat adds.

Tony sighs, and when he turns around, Steve won’t even meet his eyes. He stares down at the floor, shoulders hunched and folded in on himself in a way that makes him look small.

It might be childish again, but Tony doesn’t want to be the one to break the silence first. He slides down to the floor and leans back against the door with every intention of waiting it out. It’s Steve’s famous stubbornness against his own, though, and god only knows how long this could take. He starts counting things on the shelves. Two bottles of ketchup, four boxes of microwaveable popcorn, a jar of pickles. He makes it as far as the tenth different type of cereal before Steve finally says, “I should’ve been there.”

The admission is so quiet it’s barely audible, and Tony glances up to see that Steve still won’t look at him.

“Yeah, you should’ve been,” Tony agrees, and he can’t quite keep the bitterness out of his tone. “Why weren’t you?”

Steve hesitates, and Tony rolls his eyes. “Whatever, Cap. It’s fine. We’re not those kind of friends, I get it. I mean, if you were in the hospital, I’d want to make sure you were okay with my own eyes, but you don’t feel the same. It’s my own fault for thinking that you -”

“I was scared,” Steve cuts him off, and Tony snaps his mouth shut. “I was scared, because you were - you could have died. You don’t even know what it was like watching you fall like that. You didn’t see all the blood. You didn’t have to carry your body to the medics because you were unconscious. All I could think is that you could have been dying, and it would’ve been on me. Because I couldn’t do enough, and I should’ve done more.”

Steve looks like it hurts to even say the words, like he’s reliving the memory of it, but Tony only feels angrier for it. “And how does that translate into ignoring me for weeks? You were scared, so what, you just left?”

Steve nods a little, guilt and shame on his face. His hands clench and unclench at his sides, and he’s quieter when he continues, “I ran, and then I felt like shit for running, so I ran some more. I thought -” Steve swallows, finally looking up to meet Tony’s eyes, and Tony can see that his blue eyes are rimmed with red. “I thought you would hate me for it, and now I know that you do.”

Tony tilts his head back, closing his eyes with a sigh, “I don’t hate you. I missed you, and I’m mad at you, but I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t?” Steve asks, and the hope in his voice is enough to make Tony’s heart clench.

“I could never hate you.”

“But can you feel the same way about me that you did before?”

Tony opens his eyes, a fragile smile starting to form. “And how do you think I felt about you before?”

Steve’s cheeks turn red, and he looks away again, but Tony won’t have that. He stands up from the floor, and in the small space it’s only a step before he’s right in front of him. It’s nerve wracking to be the one to reach out first, but he does it anyway. He turns Steve’s face back to him with a hand on his jaw and asks the questions again.

“How do you think I felt before?”

He gets another one of those now familiar looks. Steve’s eyes move down to his lips, lingering there, before returning to Tony’s own eyes again.

“Tony,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

“Answer the question,” Tony whispers back. “What were we?”

“I don’t know what we were, but I know what I wanted us to be,” Steve says, and Tony quietly waits for him to continue. “I wanted to be yours, and I wanted you to be mine. I still want that, if you can forgive me for running.”

Tony nods, “But you can’t do that again.”

“I won’t,” Steve promises. His hand finds Tony’s hip to pull him in a little closer. “And if you could stop falling from the sky, I would really appreciate that.”

“I’ll do my best, but I’m not sorry for what I did. I hate that I scared you, but I can’t pretend that I wouldn’t make the exact same choice again. Not when it’s me or everyone else, especially you. Don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same.”

Steve opens his mouth, and Tony can tell he wants to argue it, but instead he sighs. “I would sacrifice myself every time for you.”

Tony smiles, “I know you would, but I’d never let you.”

“Try and stop me,” Steve replies, teasing and light to make Tony laugh. His arm wraps around Tony’s back to press them together chest to chest.

Tony tugs on the collar of Steve’s shirt to pull him lower, and Steve takes the hint to finally kiss him like he’s been wanting for so long.

#stevetony #prompts #prompt fill #my writing #my fic #stony #superhusbnads #steve rogers #tony stark

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karasuno-volley · 4 years ago

Text

anon request : (TW: disordered eating) hi volley :) might i maybe suggest tsukishima with an s/o who has been having trouble eating properly? lately i’ve been undereating a lot and losing weight again and my mind is just slipping back to a bad place. honestly when i’m able to kind of get myself out of it, it’s because i think about how much kei would hate to watch someone he loved deteriorate and i wouldn’t want him to feel helpless or like it’s his fault. i’m sorry to dump this, and i completely understand if you don’t want to write this. please do not feel obligated or pressured to do anything at all, i understand that this is a heavy topic. i’m so genuinely sorry if this upset you in any way <3

pairing : tsukishima kei + gn!reader

warnings : disordered eating / eating trouble, mild profanity, some angst but fluffy ending !! let me know if you need specific tags.

a/n : of course you can have this !! i really, genuinely hope ( + believe! ) that you can get through this. i also struggled with eating disorders in the past, and it’s hard, but believe me when i say that the other side is so worth it. love you. let me know if you need any specific tags for this. likes / reblogs welcome, no reposting please !! love, volley.

“You have to eat something.”

You hear him from behind, and without even looking, you know his expression. A mixture between exasperation and concern. You make a point not to look, staring down at your work instead. There’s a silence that grows between you two-- one that, under normal circumstances-- your boyfriend would just shrug off-- but not today. You’re startled out of your focus by Kei dropping a small bag in front of you. The smell of curry buns waft out from it, and you attempt to ignore it.

Tsukki pushes your chair back and kneels in front of you. It’s been a long time since you’ve seen him without his glasses. He reaches up, his hand encasing your cheek. “I know you don’t want to.” He prefaces before you could get a word in. “But I’ve been watching you sit here for a few hours and you’ve barely touched anything.” Kei sighs and pulls his hand away, running it through his hair.

“Honestly, you’re smarter than this.” He stands, and finally, you’re able to speak. “Kei, it’s not that I don’t want to eat-- I’m just not hungry.”

“Bullshit.” His cut off of your denial is swift and fast, almost as if he’d been expecting it (which, to be fair, he was). Kei frowns, fingers going to pinch the bridge of his nose as his eyes squeeze shut. “Y/N, do you think I’m stupid? I see what this is doing to you and I don’t like it. I would hate to think…” Tsukki starts pacing, and then stops directly in front of you. He holds your face gently, refusing to look anywhere but him. “You’re not stupid.” he repeats, voice quiet. “I know I’m not--,” you start, but Kei shakes his head.

“Shut up and let me finish. I know you’re not stupid, but lately, this is...” He gestures to the food on the table which was quickly going cold. Tsukki has to stop himself from saying something he might regret, so instead he leans back on his heels. “I love you, Y/N. I do. That’s why I would hate it if your refusal to eat is... because of me.”

“Because of you?” You’re incredulous, grabbing at his hands. “It’s not you, Kei. It’s not.”

He stares at you for a long time, and you’re sure, for just a moment, that he’s about to say something else. Then Tsukki shakes his head, throws his glasses on, and reaches for the bag. He disappears into the kitchen, and you’re about to follow, before your boyfriend reappears, carrying two bowls filled with the pork curry buns and the soup they sometimes give alongside it. He places a bowl in front of you before sitting at the opposite end of the table. Silence stretches onwards, the only sound the ticking of the nearby clock and the birdsong outside.

“I know you’re not stupid. So… Please, eat. I hate seeing you do this to yourself.” He watches you, his eyes almost begging for you to at least try. You do.

It takes an enormous amount of effort to take the first bite, even more for the second, but Kei obviously seems to be waiting on you until he eats himself. The meal passes slowly, but Tsukki refuses to finish before you do, and once everything is gone, he takes away the dishes like nothing ever happened.

You start to feel guilty, like you always do, but this guilt quickly manifests into something else. The fact that your boyfriend clearly thought he’d done something to make this happen? That it’s his fault? It burns your insides more than any food ever could.

You’d been so lost in thought you hadn’t heard him calling for you, but you do feel his hand in your own, tugging you up and away from the table. He guides you gently towards the couch. “Kei, what are you--?” “Come on.” That’s the only answer you get as he grasps you, pulls you into him as the pair of you half-collapse onto the couch cushions. It takes a moment to settle, a blanket pulled over you as you curl into his side. He doesn’t say anything-- just lets the moment hang. You don’t feel it, but Kei grips at your shirt, scared you might disappear if he lets you go.

The sound of his breathing, his heartbeat, his arms around you, forces you to relax, to forget about the food you’d just eaten. Cocooned between him and the couch, your head resting on his chest, your arm strewn across him, you can’t remember the last time he’s done this-- held you this way. Kei doesn’t let you go for a very, very long time, and you wouldn’t want it any other way.

master taglist : @beanst0ck, @owlnymph ( send a message or ask to be added ! )

#hq #haikyuu #hq imagines #haikyuu imagines #tw disordered eating #tw ed mention #tw eating #tsukki x reader #tsukki imagines #anon req

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bisexual-horror-fan · 4 years ago

Note

Hi, it’s me again with another wholesome request for our favorite murder boys aka: Billy and Stu. It’s a few days late. May I ask to have the boys and their asexual s/o having their own New Years party? Where the boys fight over who gets to kiss her when the ball drops, the twist is she just kisses the cat she got for Christmas because Billy & Stu were being idiots.

Ay! So good to hear from you! Fuck, sorry this took me so long, seems like around a month turn around is the norm as of late, but hey it takes as long as it takes, I just hope it was worth the wait! I love this little mini-series with the asexual reader and these two. SFW, no warnings, poly!Ghostface goodness, let’s get into it, a short and fun drabble.

---

Rating. SFW. Length. 600 Words. Poly!Ghostface X Asexual AFAB Reader. Warnings. None.

---

Kitten Kisses.

---

Polyamory is great.

Truly it is.

It makes so much sense for the three of you, it is so natural and right and easy. Thing is there are some aspects of traditional relationships, some well worn traditions that were formed with two, rather than three people in mind. One such tradition is kissing for luck when it strikes midnight on a new year.

You had never done this before. Billy and Stu had plenty of times in years previous before you arrived in their lives. But now you were here and those two didn’t think to talk about it.

Until the night of.

A night where it was just the three of you, usual because Stu would normally insist on having a party and Billy would roll his eyes and fight him on it but it was always just for show. He ended up having fun every single time. This time you suggested having a night with the three of you, ringing in the new year in a much more quiet and personal fashion.

They couldn’t say no, and both had to agree the change of pace sounded so great. It was nice, a decent spread of food, in the living room of the boys apartement.

Stu mentioned it first, casually, a joke really about kissing you at midnight. That prompted a scoff and a laugh from Billy along with him asking,

“Uh what makes you think that you get to do that?”

And neither would drop it.

A roll of your eyes as you took the bottle out of Stu’s hand and poured yourself a drink because if you waited for him to stop bickering with Billy and do it, you’d die of thirst.

You kept trying to distract them but it kept coming around to that dumb fight.

You were watching the clock.

They were not.

You picked up the remote and turned up the tv volume a bit, still didn’t alert them to the countdown that had started.

It was funny more than anything.

And then an idea.

Your boys had gotten you something you had always wanted for Christmas, a cat, soft and cute as hell and totally glued to your side. You watched as they continued to go off on each other and you sighed, endlessly amused by them.

See those sweet, albeit a bit stupid, boys of yours were too distracted. You had already made your decision on who was getting your kiss at midnight. You scooped up that fur covered little darling, holding her in one arm as you pointed to the tv.

“Look, almost time.”

They still didn’t hear you and finally they clued in when they heard you, chanting,

“7-6-5-”

And Stu was the one to hit Billy on the chest with a quiet,

“Hold up man-”

“4-3-2”

“Wait!”

Both looking over to the couch and too late, to see you exclaim,

“Hey! Happy New Year!”

And placing a kiss on the top of your cat’s head, holding her in your arms and swaying a little bit humming along to Auld Lang Syne as it played from the scene on tv, confetti falling and people embracing, and Billy was about to protest before Stu said,

“C’mon man.”

Pulling him in and kissing him instead. When pulled away with a smile, he glanced over to see you holding out your hand, beckoning them over,

“You two done now?”

“Yes! Right?”

A roll of his eyes and Billy was tugged along to the couch as he agreed,

“Yes. Right.”

It was a good kiss, perfectly fine, surprisingly needed, a small vestige of traditions of years previous before you were here, and Billy couldn’t hold back his smile as he sat on one side of you and Stu on your other.

You threw an arm around each of them, giving them each a kiss on the cheek, cat sat in your lap, content, looking forward to a new year with the three, or rather four, of you.

#BHF asks #BHF writing #cyberspace-ace-queen #Hope you like it #thank you for asking for this!#fluff #SFW #Billy Loomis #Stu Macher #poly!ghostface #Something to break up the smut

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fanmoose12 · 4 years ago

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Petra was a nice girl. Truth be told, she was very nice. Delicate and petite, soft-spoken and graceful, Levi felt like he could have easily fallen in love with her.

However, she had one small, but very significant flaw – Kenny was the one who had set them up on a date. Even if Levi liked her, even if she definitely seemed like his type, he refused to have a second date. Maybe, she was nice and pretty, but Levi couldn’t shake the feeling that introducing them to one another was one of Kenny’s numerous schemes, that his uncle once again tried to somehow make a fool out of him.

“Why don’t you find yourself someone, Levi?” Kenny would always ask him. “Maybe, some pretty girl will finally make that ugly scowl of yours disappear! And if you find someone rich and influential, it would even elevate your status!”

“Yeah, great advice,” Levi would always sneer back. “From a lifelong bachelor.”

Sitting in a small café next to Petra, listening to her talk about her work, Levi couldn’t stop imagining the moment, when he would return from his date and tell Kenny to just fuck off already and leave him, and more importantly, his personal life alone.

On his way back to the office he thought of dozens different curses and obscenities to yell at his uncle. But the moment he crossed the threshold to his cabinet, the moment he met his mother’s hopeful gaze, Levi’s anger momentarily disappeared.

“How was your date, honey?” she asked with a smile.

Looking at that smile, Levi felt like the biggest asshole in the world. Unlike Kenny, his mother genuinely worried about him. She feared that he was feeling lonely and she wanted for him to find someone, to fall in love and be happy.

And even though, Levi didn’t feel lonely at all, the thought of disappointing his mother, of worrying her, made Levi regret his actions. Maybe, he shouldn’t have rejected Petra? Maybe, he should have agreed to a second date? Maybe, he should at least try to fall in love?

But no, Levi thought. If he started to date Petra, or any of the other girls Kenny had tried to set him up with, he would admit that his uncle was right. There was no way Levi could ever do that. And, besides, he didn’t have time for a relationship. As a vice-president of Kenny’s company, Levi was a very busy man. Especially, since his uncle liked to damp all the work on him. So no, relationship definitely wasn’t for him.

“It was fine, but there wouldn’t be a second date,” Levi finally replied.

Kuchel’s expression immediately changed. Her eyes filled with sadness and the corners of her mouth slid down.

“Why?” she asked quietly. “You didn’t like that girl?”

There wasn’t nothing wrong with her, relationships just aren’t my thing, Levi almost said. But he knew that those words would upset his mother even more. Suddenly, an idea popped up in his mind. It was stupid, completely ridiculous, but. It could work. And it certainly would make his mother happy. So before he could stop himself, Levi said:

“There wasn’t nothing wrong with that girl, mom. I’m just already dating someone else.”

“Oh?” Kuchel was definitely surprised by this revelation, but she quickly overcame her shock. A big, happy smile appeared on her lips and she clasped her hands in delight. “Levi, really? You found someone? Why didn’t you tell us before?”

“I didn’t want to jinx it,” he lowered his head, trying to avoid his mother’s gaze. He felt like a jerk for lying to her, but seeing her joy, Levi almost felt like it was worth it.

“Honey, I want to meet them so much! Can you invite them over for dinner? I’m sure uncle Kenny wants to meet your significant other as well!”

Shit, Levi immediately wanted to take his words back. But it was too late. So he nodded, hoping that his mother would mistake his panic for shyness. “I don’t know if she’ll agree, but I’ll try.”

“Great!” Levi didn’t remember the last time when his mother smiled so widely. “Then I’ll start organizing the dinner right away! Oh, I’m so happy, Levi!” she soundly kissed him on a cheek and then, still smiling happily, she left his office.

As soon as the door closed after her, Levi shakily exhaled. What kind of a mess he just got himself into?

He went to his desk and turned on his computer, opening the craiglist. It was possible to find any kind of weird shit there. And weird shit was exactly what Levi needed.

Almost an hour later, when Levi’s eyes started to burn from the amount of stupid ads he had read, he found it. The perfect ad, which was weirdly offering exactly what Levi needed.

Do you have homophobic or otherwise annoying relatives? Are they inviting you to yet another family event, and so you desperately want to piss them off? Then I’m just the person you need ;)

After reading that description, Levi clicked on the ad without hesitation.

Hi, I’m Hange Zoe, and I have an incredible offer for those of you, who are tired of your irritating relatives! Just for a small fee, I can accompany you to any kind of event (weddings, birthdays, various holidays) and make sure to annoy the hell out of your family! If you dislike your parents, aunts, uncles or anyone else and want them to hate you, then don’t hesitate! Call me and I’ll be your ‘plus one’ that they will never forget!

Levi immediately added their number to his phone. However, before he dialed it, he hesitated, rereading the ad one more time. Was he really going to do it, he wondered, as he stared at the screen. Was he going to call some stranger and ask them to pretend to be his girlfriend? Just because he wanted Kenny to leave him alone? Just because he didn’t want to upset his mother?

Yes, Levi decided finally. No matter how ridiculous it sounded, it was a good plan. He’d pretend to be in love with this girl for a month or so, and then he would ‘break up’ with her. He’d feign a heart-break, act sad and depressed, and everyone would leave him alone. Not for long, Levi knew that, but just enough for him to catch a break.

It is a good plan, Levi reminded himself before taking a deep breath and dialing that number.

After long five beeps, his call was answered.

“Hello?” a deep woman’s voice said. It was husky and confused, although its owner had just woken up. Levi glanced up at a clock – it was 4pm. She couldn’t really be sleeping at this time of day, right? “I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

“Um, no, I… I’ve found your ad. O-on the internet,” damn it, Levi had never felt so embarrassed before.

“Oh, right!” the woman laughed. “You need me to pretend to be your girlfriend, huh?”

“Something like that, yes, but could we discuss the details in person?”

“Sure! I’m free this evening, so we can meet,” she said. “Where do you live?”

“Just text me the address of some coffee shop near your house. I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Alright! And how do I recognize you?”

“I’ll be wearing a black shirt and pants.”

“Great!” the woman chuckled again. “Then I’ll see you in an hour!”

And before Levi could say anything else, she ended the call.

He stared at his phone screen for a long moment. Not for the first time he wondered what the fuck he was doing. But then he received a message, containing the address of a coffee shop. Signing, Levi shook his head. It was a stupid idea, but it could work. He just had to remember that.

***

Levi was sitting in that stupid café for almost half an hour. He had finished two cups of tea already. Maybe, he entered the wrong café? He checked his phone for the tenth time, but, no, the address was definitely correct. So where the fuck was that shithead, who had agreed to meet with him?

Another ten minutes passed, and Levi already prepared to just get up and leave, but then somebody joined him at his table. It was a young woman, probably in her mid-twenties. Her brown hair was pulled up in a messy ponytail and her big glasses were almost slipping from her nose. So that was Hange Zoe? Levi would need to pretend to date that for a whole month?

Suddenly, his idea didn’t seem so good anymore.

“Hi!” the woman energetically waved her hand. “You’re the guy, who is looking for a fake girlfriend, right? I’m Hange Zoe,” she outstretched her palm towards him.

“I know your name,” Levi said, staring at her hand with slight disgust. There were black smudges on it. He would rather die than shake it. “You’ve included it in the ad.”

“Oh, right!” she laughed boisterously. Levi felt a headache forming. “And what is your name?”

“Levi Ackerman,” he answered, making no move to shake her hand.

The woman hummed and lowered her hand, seemingly undisturbed by his apparent rudeness. “It’s nice to meet you, Levi!” she smiled widely. Was she always so annoyingly friendly, Levi wondered. “So what kind of event do you need me for? Wedding, birthday or—”

“Nothing of the sort,” he interrupted. “Truth be told, I have a rather unorthodox situation.”

“Oh?” Hange raised an eyebrow. “Do you need me to accompany you to the funeral or—”

“No!” Levi immediately answered. “Fuck, of course, no. I…” he took a deep breath, thinking how to say it. Maybe, he should explain everything first. “My uncle always sets me up with people, and I’m sick of it. I can’t just tell him to fuck off, because it’ll upset my mother, so… I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend for a month. It won’t require a lot of work!” Levi assured her. “Every Friday we have family dinner, and you’ll just have to come there with me.”

“And that’s all?”

“Um, no…” Levi paused. “I also need you… to move in with me…”

“What?!” Hange cried out, obviously shocked.

“I know how it sounds! But I promise I’m not some kind of a weirdo,” although, that was still open for a debate. He was asking a stranger to be his girlfriend, after all. “My uncle is just very nosy. And he won’t believe that my relationship is serious, if I don’t start living with you. We won’t be sharing a room or anything of the sort!” Levi added, seeing hesitation on her face. “And I’ll pay you as much you want!”

“I’m…” Hange trailed off, picking at her fingernails. “I admit your offer does sound a little bit weird. I’m willing to agree to it, but I need to talk with my roommate first. We share the rent, and if I’m not going to pay my part for a whole month…”

“I’ll pay your part!” Levi hastily offered. “And your roommate’s part as well!”

“Wow,” Hange chuckled. “You’re either crazy rich or really desperate.”

“I’m both,” Levi sighed.

“Fine, I agree then,” Levi couldn’t believe how relieved those words made him. “But I do have to warn you – I’m a scientist and tend to work at odd hours.”

“I don’t care about that,” Levi was suffering from insomnia himself, so a little noise at night wouldn’t disturb him.

“Alright…” Hange trailed off with a hesitant look on her face. “But there is another thing. My laboratory exploded a couple of months ago, that’s why I posted that ad – I’m trying to gather some money for a new one. So sometimes I perform experiments at home. Nothing dangerous!” she quickly assured Levi. “There won’t be any explosions, I swear! And no toxic chemicals too! Most days, I’m just watching my two mice, and I won’t be dissecting them in any foreseeable future, but yeah… I still need to study them.”

“It’s fine,” Levi waved his hand. Of course, he would have preferred to pretend to date someone more ordinary, but it wasn’t like he had a lot of choices. “As long as you don’t destroy my apartment, I don’t care what you do.”

“Excellent!” Hange beamed. “And the last thing,” Christ, there was another thing? “My roommate is also my lab partner, so can he sometimes come to visit me? To help with my experiments?”

“Alright,” Levi sighed. “But that’s everything you need, right?”

“Of course! And all I have to do is to live in your apartment and come with you to family dinner each Friday?”

“Pretty much.”

“Then that’s a deal!”

“Great,” Levi wasn’t feeling as happy as his ‘girlfriend’, but he, too, was satisfied with their arrangement. “If we discussed everything, then I must go. I’ll text you my address later. You can bring your things tomorrow.”

“Cool! Then I’ll see you tomorrow!”

***

The next morning, Levi’s breakfast was interrupted by a very loud, and very insisting knocking.

And there goes my hope for a peaceful day, he mentally complained.

He walked up the door and looked in the peephole. At the other side, he saw a large box.

“It’s me, Hange!” the box exclaimed.

Levi sighed. He almost forgot that she agreed to bring her things today. He opened the door, and Hange walked in, a man, who carried an even bigger box, trailing after her.

“Good morning!” she was as cheerful as yesterday. Levi feared it was her constant state. “I hope you don’t mind that I brought my friend Moblit? He’s the roommate I told you about.”

“Nice to meet you,” the man put the box down and smiled at Levi.

He absentmindedly nodded, not sparing that Moblit another glance. He had no interest in meeting Hange’s friends. They weren’t actually dating.

“How much shit did you bring with you?” he asked Hange.

“There are two more boxes in the car,” Moblit answered for her.

“Alright,” Levi nodded. “Then start unpacking all of your stuff, your room is at the end of that hallway,” he pointed in that direction. “I’ll bring the rest with your friend.”

“Great, thank you, baby!” Hange said cheekily. She winked at Levi, before turning around and beginning to inspect his apartment.

Levi stared after her for a moment. His plan was starting to look worse and worse with each passing minute.

***

“So, you’re not some kind of a murderer, right?” Moblit asked, while they were climbing the stairs, each of them carrying a box with Hange’s belongings.

“I’m not, don’t worry.”

“Oh, that’s good!” Moblit chuckled in relief. “Although, I do have to warn you – sometimes Hange gets too… intense.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Levi rolled his eyes. It was hard to miss that part of his ‘girlfriend’s’ personality.

***

“So,” Hange asked after she finished unpacking and said goodbye to Moblit. “What do I do now? Do I just sit around or do you need me for something?”

“Now, you’re going to show me your wardrobe. If you’re going to be my girlfriend, you’ll need something more presentable that this,” Levi’s eyes were filled with disgust, as he looked at Hange’s oversized t-shirt and her dirty, torn jeans.

“Mm, if you’re hoping to find something better,” Hange chuckled. “Then I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.”

Levi cursed under his breath. His new girlfriend was proving to be much more troublesome than he expected. “Get ready then. We’ll go shopping. I can’t let you walk around, wearing such trash.”

Shopping with Hange was even more difficult than Levi expected. As though trying to annoy him, in each shop Hange picked the ugliest, most outrageous outfits she could find. Levi couldn’t quite understand if she just wanted to irritate him, or did she actually like those clothes. Somehow, he felt like the latter was true.

In the end, after browsing through ten different shops, Levi managed to buy Hange a couple of normal jeans, a few shirts and hoodies. He also picked a few suits for her, because Levi quickly understood that dresses and skirts weren’t Hange’s thing. It didn’t really matter for him, though. He was fine with whatever she decided to wear, as long as it was clean and her outfits didn’t look like a blind person had chosen them.

***

After that first day, however, Levi’s life had almost returned to normal. Sure, Hange was still living with him and occasionally he heard her mutterings or the sounds of her computer, but for the most part, she kept to her word. She was always busy with some work and didn’t bother Levi much.

The only place, where their paths crossed, was the kitchen. Levi would often see Hange, sitting on a countertop with a notebook in her hands, scribbling something down, while she waited for her coffee. Sometimes, they spend their breakfast together. And a couple of nights, when his insomnia acted up, Levi even invited Hange to share a cup of tea with him.

Unexpectedly, Hange wasn’t quite as annoying as Levi first thought. Sure, sometimes she talked a little too much, but Levi quickly learnt that she didn’t really need for him to participate in those conversations. She just liked to talk, especially about her work, and she didn’t expect any kind of an answer. And, truth be told, her blabbering had a strangely soothing effect on Levi.

He was surprised to realize that living with another person wasn’t that terrible.

Maybe, Levi thought fleetingly, he could even get used to it.

The whole week was spent in that manner, as Levi and Hange learnt how to co-exist together, getting to know each other better one day at a time.

But Friday was approaching, and so was the Ackerman family dinner. And neither Kuchel, nor Kenny let Levi forget about that.

His mother called him every day, asking what food Hange preferred and making sure that Levi hadn’t changed his mind about introducing his girlfriend to them.

Kenny smirked every time he saw Levi in the hallways of their company. He patted his shoulder and reminded him that if his girlfriend wasn’t actually real, now was the best time to reveal it.

Naturally, it pissed Levi off. Not that Kenny was that far from truth, but really? Could he have some faith in his nephew?

***

Friday came much faster than Levi expected. Before long, he found himself sitting in a car, dressed in his favorite blue suit. Hange was sitting beside him, wearing a dark green pants and white shirt that Levi had bought for her earlier.

She didn’t seem nervous in the slightest. Levi envied her.

“I think it’s time for us to talk strategies,” she said, as Levi began driving.

“Huh?”

“Well, we have to think of a legend. Our first meeting, our first date, when we realized we’ve fallen in love,” Hange waved her hands around. “That kind of thing.”

“Oh,” Levi didn’t think about it.

And judging by Hange’s mischievous gaze, she saw right through him. “Jeez, you’re lucky to have me. So I’ve been thinking about our first meeting, and we can tell that we’ve met, when my car broke down. I needed help, and you, as true gentlemen, offered to fix it.”

“I don’t think my family would believe this whole ‘true gentlemen’ crap,” Levi grumbled, earning a soft chuckle from Hange. “But alright, what happened next?”

“Well, naturally I decided to invite you to dinner to express my gratitude.”

“But I’ve refused?”

“Yes, you refused!” Hange threw her hands in the air, so scandalized, as though it actually happened. “But, luckily, I’m very stubborn, so I literally followed you, until you agreed to go out with me.”

Levi almost smiled. He could quite clearly picture that. “And then you’ve begged me to give you my phone number.”

“I didn’t beg,” Hange protested. “It was more like I forced you to give it to me.”

“And then you’ve started texting me practically non-stop,” Hange definitely seemed like a person, who would do that. “So I had no choice, but to agree to a second date.” “Mm, yeah. We started going out and on our fourth date, you literally couldn’t resist my dashing looks anymore, so you kissed me, whispering how much you love me right into my lips.”

Levi gave her the most unimpressed of his looks. Hange burst out laughing.

“What?” she asked. “It’s a cute story!”

“Let’s hope my family believes it,” Levi sighed.

Five minutes later, Levi stopped in front of his mother’s house.

“We’re here,” he announced.

He walked out of the car and hurried to Hange’s side, opening the door for her and offering her his hand.

“If you keep acting like this,” she giggled, taking the offered hand. “No one will believe that our relationship is real. Don’t worry,” she said softly. “Just be yourself.”

Levi rolled his eyes. He would never admit it, of course, but, maybe, Hange was right.

“Wait!” Hange widely opened her eyes. “We haven’t discussed one very important detail!”

“What are you talking about?�� Levi furrowed his eyebrows.

“Our pet names, of course, silly! How do you want me to call you? Babe? Honey? Little kitten?”

Levi cringed. Then he looked at Hange closer. Her shoulders were shaking, as though she was barely holding in her laugh.

“You are such a jerk,” Levi mumbled. “Let’s go already. I hate to be late.”

“Mm, as you say, kitten,” Hange giggled, as Levi sent her his scariest glare. She didn’t even flinch. Instead, she wrapped her arm around his waist, making it look so casual, as though she was doing it all the time. Meanwhile, it took every part of Levi’s willpower to relax and put his own hand around her shoulders.

Walking up to his mother’s house, Levi knocked. In less than a second, she answered, wearing a bright, happy smile.

“You came!” she exclaimed, her eyes immediately locking onto Hange. “I’m so happy to meet you! I can’t believe Levi was hiding you from us for so long!”

“I’m pleased to meet you, as well, Mrs. Ackerman,” Hange tucked a lose lock of her hair, blushing slightly. Levi wondered if it was genuine or just an act.

“Oh, please, just call me Kuchel!” she squeezed Hange in a tight hug. “We’re almost family, after all!”

“Mom, please,” even if all of it was a lie, Levi’s embarrassment was quite real. “If you continue to act like this, Hange will never agree to visit us again.”

“Ah, don’t listen to that shorty,” Hange chuckled. “You’re so nice!”

“Shorty?” Levi cursed, as he heard that particular voice, followed by a hearty laugh. “I already like you, my dear!”

“She’s not your dear,” Levi glared at his uncle.

Kenny’s smile grew wider. “Uh-oh, someone is jealous. Don’t worry, kid, I won’t steal your girlfriend. If you promise to treat her nicely.”

“Shut up, old man,” Levi growled.

“Boys, stop it!” Kuchel gave them both a disapproving look. “Levi, show Hange the dining room, and, you, Kenny, go and help me in the kitchen.”

“Maybe, I can help you with something, too?” Hange offered.

“Oh, honey, absolutely not,” Kuchel shook her head. “You’re our guest tonight, so just relax and let us handle everything.”

“Well, if you insist,” Hange said with a soft smile.

“She’s not only pretty, but polite, as well!” his mother whispered to him, before Levi walked away. “I’m so happy you’ve found yourself someone so nice!”

Levi quickly nodded and turned away, feeling the guilt eat at him again.

***

“So, Hange,” Kenny began, taking a sip from his glass. “Tell us what you do.”

“I’m a scientist,” Hange said. “I study the regeneration process and ways of enhancing it.”

“You’re not just looks, but brains too, huh?” Kenny winked at her. “So what did you find in my nephew?”

“Well, I couldn’t resist his charmingly grumpy attitude,” Hange shrugged.

Kenny and Kuchel burst out laughing.

“Levi, I really don’t envy you,” Kenny said. “With tongue as sharp as hers, you surely can’t catch a break.”

“Tell me about it,” Levi rolled his eyes.

The conversation continued after that, and, as he watched Hange discuss politics with Kenny or talk about books with his mother, Levi couldn’t quite shake the feeling that Hange belonged here. She surprisingly easy got on with his family, and both Kenny and Kuchel already seemed to adore her.

His family kept talking about something, but Levi didn’t exactly pay attention. Instead, he was focused on Hange, as his eyes followed her every movement. Suddenly, their gazes met, and Levi hastily looked away, taking a large sip of wine from his glass. Trying not to act like he was caught staring at his ‘girlfriend’ like some kind of a creep. Reminding himself that all of it was just an act.

***

In the end, he drank a little too much wine. He wasn’t exactly drunk, but he couldn’t drive either, so his mother persuaded Levi to stay the night at her house.

“We have a guestroom,” she said. “And it’s pretty late already. I will feel much better, if you sleep here tonight.”

“I…” Levi never really could say no to his mother. “If Hange’s okay with it, then so am I.”

“Well, I don’t need to go to work tomorrow,” Hange replied. “So yeah, let’s stay.”

“Great!” Kuchel smiled. “Then you should go and relax in the living room, while I prepare the bedding for you.”

“Please, let me help,” Hange said.

“No, no,” Kuched refused again. “I’ve seen the way Levi was staring at you the whole evening,” she winked. “I’m sure he can’t wait to spend some time alone with you!”

“Mom!” Levi exclaimed, scandalized.

“Oh, honey, there is no need to be ashamed,” Kuchel ruffled his hair. “You’re a big boy already.”

“Big, but not tall,” Hange joked.

“Shut the fuck up,” Levi growled, grabbing her hand and dragging her to the living room.

Once there, away from the prying eyes of his family, Levi finally let himself relax. In the meanwhile, Hange took out two glasses and filled them with wine.

She held one glass out for Levi. “To the success of our little act,” she smiled.

“We’ve really managed to fool them,” Levi agreed, drinking from his glass.

“Yes,” Hange drew out, smiling lazily.

Levi suddenly realized how close they were sitting. Their thighs were pressed together, and when Levi turned his face to look at Hange, he was almost nose to nose with her. She seemed to realize that as well, but, unlike Levi, their proximity didn’t seem to freak her out.

On the contrary, she leaned in closer, until their lips were almost touching. “Your mother is watching,” she whispered, before kissing him.

It wasn’t a long kiss, it lasted for no more than five seconds, but those five seconds seemed like an eternity to Levi. He was shocked by Hange’s actions, but for some reason, probably because he was drunker than he thought, Levi didn’t even think about pushing her away.

He didn’t think about their lie, about his mother or Kenny. No, he thought only of Hange and the feeling of her surprisingly soft lips against his.

As soon as Hange moved away, Levi pretended to look behind her shoulder. “My mother is still here,” he lied, kissing her again.

His mother wasn’t there, of course. If Hange had strained her ears, she would quickly realize that Levi’s mother was in the kitchen, talking with Kenny. Maybe, she wasn’t actually watching them, when Hange had kissed him too, but Levi couldn’t care less. He was slowly losing himself in that kiss, and he wanted nothing more than to continue.

“So what about that promised guestroom?” Hange asked when they broke apart.

Levi nodded, his mind too blank to think of proper words. He got to his feet and Hange followed his suit. He led her to the bedroom and then closed the door, hoping that neither his mother, nor especially Kenny would disturb them.

“Are you sure?” he looked closely at Hange, taking pleasure in watching the rapid rise and fall of her chest and the way blush painted her face. This sight was making him drunker than the wine.

“Yes,” Hange breathed out, her voice husky and so, so sexy.

This was all Levi needed. He swiftly closed the distance between them, connecting his lips with hers. Hange put her hands into his hair, and when Levi moved from her lips to her neck, sucking at the delicate skin there, her fingers started to play with his strands, pulling at them and moaning softly.

They were just drunk, Levi kept telling himself, when he took off her glasses and began unbuttoning her shirt.

They couldn’t think straight, he reminded himself, as he pushed Hange down onto the bed.

It didn’t mean anything, he tried to persuade himself after they’ve finished and he slowly drifted to sleep, hugging Hange close to his chest.

***

Levi woke up with a groan. The fucking sun was shining right in his eyes, and he turned away from it, covering his face with a blanket.

He was ready to go back to sleep, when suddenly it hit him.

The sun, it was already high enough to shine through the window. He shot up and looked at the clock.

10:39.

What the fuck?

He had never, ever slept for so long. Usually Levi slept for no more than four hours. What the fuck happened?

And then, oh, the memories of last night began to resurface. He remembered his mother’s smiling face, as he introduced her to Hange, he remembered Kenny’s annoying smirk, as he continuously teased him, he remembered Hange, acting shy, but pleased, as she talked with his family. He remembered the kiss and everything that followed.

Levi sat up on the bed, hands in his hair. Shit, what did he do last night? Why did he decide it was a good idea to sleep with Hange? Why didn’t she stop him? Why didn’t he stop himself?

And as Levi glanced around the room, another important question appeared in his mind – where was Hange now?

Was she disgusted by him? Did she regret last night so much that she ran away? Was it the end of their arrangement?

Levi hurriedly got up from the bed. Putting his clothes on, he rushed downstairs, all the while thinking of how he would explain all of it to his mother.

He also needed to find Hange. Maybe, he should apologize to her? Explain that he was drunk and couldn’t think clearly?

Levi practically burst into the kitchen.

And then he promptly stopped, looking at the scene in front of him with wide, confused eyes.

Hange was sitting there. She held a cup of coffee in her hands and there was a small smile on her lips, as she listened to whatever his mother was talking about.

Hange. Was. There.

She didn’t run away, didn’t abandon him. She was there, so relaxed and joyful as though last night didn’t happen.

“Good morning, honey!” his mother was the first one to notice him. “Did you have a good night? You’ve been sleeping for much longer than usual.”

Yes, he did. He slept for almost ten hours. The last time he slept for so long was when… No, Levi couldn’t even remember when he had such a good night sleep. He couldn’t explain it to himself. Of course, he had some faint idea, but no. Even the notion of it was ridiculous. He probably slept for so long, because he was drunk (although, he didn’t have the smallest sign of hungover, but Levi promptly ignored this fact).

He had drunk too much, and that’s why he was sleeping for so long. Hange, sleeping in the bed beside him, had nothing to do with it.

“Hey, sit down,” Hange pointed to a chair next to her, “and have this.”

Levi skeptically looked at the mug that Hange put next to him. It looked like tea and smelled like it, too. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“Oh, c’mon!” Hange rolled her eyes. “It’s tea, I didn’t poison it or anything.”

“It doesn’t hurt to be careful with you, four-eyes,” Levi grumbled. He did as she asked, though, and took a sit next to her. He lifted the mug and gave it another critical look. “It’s not another experiment of yours, right? I won’t grow a second head after drinking it?”

“Have some faith in me,” Hange playfully punched his shoulder. “Besides, your mother was there, when I made it. I couldn’t have poisoned you in front of her.”

“I guarantee that this tea is completely harmless,” Kuchel said with a smile.

“Alright,” Levi gave in and then took a small, tentative sip.

It was tea, just as Hange said. Strong and bitter with a heavy herbal scent. Exactly as he liked it.

Levi looked up in surprise. He glanced at Hange, and then his eyes focused on his mother.

“Don’t look at me like that, honey,” Kuchel chuckled. “It wasn’t me who told her how to prepare it. Hange knew it herself.”

Levi turned back to Hange, an intense look in his eyes.

“I watched you prepare tea the other day,” she explained with an almost shy smile. “Is it good?” if Levi didn’t know better, if he didn’t know that it was just an act, he’d say that Hange was nervous.

But. It all was just an act. Even if he started to wish that it wasn’t.

“That’s exactly how I drink it,” for some weird reason, he felt tense. Hange’s eyes on him made him uncomfortable. But not in a bad way. “Thank you,” he whispered more softly than he intended to.

“Ah, a good cup of tea is a sure way to our Levi’s heart,” Kenny chuckled, coming from behind to ruffle Levi’s hair. Levi didn’t even notice him entering the kitchen.

“Are you going somewhere?” he asked, noticing that Kenny was already dressed.

“Got some business in the office,” Kenny put his hat on, grinning at Levi. “You can take a day-off, by the way. Rest and relax, spend time with your lovely lady,” he winked at Hange. “Don’t think about the work.”

“B-but—”

“No buts!” Kenny chided. “I’m not doing this for you, kid. I’m sure Hange will get lonely, if you continue to work like a madman.”

Levi gritted his teeth, knowing perfectly well that it was pointless to argue with Kenny. Well, his apartment needed cleaning anyway.

“Oh, and by the way,” Kenny said, before walking out. “You didn’t forget about the Gathering this weekend?”

Levi barely stopped himself from groaning out loud. He did forget about that stupid shit.

Hange kicked his leg under the table, a silent question in her eyes.

“I’ll tell you later,” Levi whispered to her, before turning back to his uncle.

“Do I really have to go?” he asked him. “You know I hate it.”

“As do I, kid,” Kenny smirked. “Bring Hange with you, you won’t feel so miserable then. Well,” Kenny tipped his hat. “I’m off to work now! Adios!”

***

“So what was Kenny talking about?” Hange asked, as soon as they said goodbye to Kuchel and got inside the car.

Levi sighed. “It’s an annual event. Gathering, as they call it. Basically, it’s a banquet for the richest, snobbiest shits in this city.”

“Oh,” Hange smirked. “It’s for the people like you!”

“I’m rich,” Levi glared at her. “And sometimes I can be quite shitty, but I’m not a snob.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Hange chuckled. “So, you need me to accompany you there?”

“I know it wasn’t a part of our deal—”

“No, I’m fine with that,” Hange carelessly waved her hand. “I can’t abandon you in the time of need, right?”

“Thanks,” Levi said, feeling more relieved that he probably should be.

***

The following week Levi spent drowning in his work. Even though, Kenny became strangely productive, there were still a shit ton of things that needed his attention. And, of course, the Gathering was approaching, so Levi had to help with organizing it, as well.

As a result, he was coming home close to midnight or even later, and almost didn’t see Hange. Sometimes she texted him, asking what groceries she should buy, and sometimes she left a dinner for him with a little note on the fridge.

But their communication was kept to a minimum, and Levi was glad that it was.

During the day, his mind was occupied with financial reports, income statements and other paperwork. There were a thousand of workers he needed to keep in check, dozens of problems he needed to solve. There was no time for him to think of anything else.

However, once he came back home, once he lay in his bed, having nothing to distract himself with, his treacherous mind began to fill with unwanted images.

He saw Hange’s flushed face, as she asked him where the bedroom was. He felt her needy and passionate kisses, he heard her quiet moans and gasps. He remembered how good it felt to hold her in his arms, how sweet his dreams were, as Hange slept beside him.

It was hard for Levi to admit, but he desperately wanted to repeat that night, wanted to feel the warmth of Hange’s body once more.

But he knew that he couldn’t.

Hange acted as though nothing happened between them. In front of Levi’s family, she pretended to be his girlfriend. When they were alone, she acted like they were friends. Not even once did she speak of that night.

Maybe, she was drunker than she seemed and didn’t remember it. Or, maybe, it wasn’t such a big deal for her. Either way, she didn’t seem uncomfortable.

And Levi would really, really like to follow her suit. To forget about it and continue with his life. But maybe, he was spending too much time working and not enough sleeping. Maybe, the guilt from lying to his mother was making him crazy.

His life would probably return to normal, once the month was over.

But as for now, Levi could only hope.

***

“Wow,” Hange breathed out, as she and Levi moved through the crowd of extremely rich-looking people. “That is one hell of a fancy party.”

Levi didn’t answer, too busy glaring at the disgusting pigs, surrounding him. Their fake smiles and overly polite words made him sick. However, he had to admit – Hange’s presence somewhat managed to lift his sour mood.

“What should we do?” she continued, undisturbed by his silence or scowling face. “Do we come up to say hi or—”

“Absolutely not,” Levi protested. “We find the emptiest corner we can and hope no one notices us.”

Hange’s chuckled, the sound filled with relief. “Yeah, works for me. I don’t think I’ll be well received by this particular crowd.”

“And neither will I,” Levi replied, dragging her to the most secluded part of the room.

They stood there for almost half an hour, with Hange providing hilarious commentary on every guest and Levi barely resisting from laughing out loud.

“Oh, no,” Hange suddenly said, her voice urged and tinted with panic. She grabbed Levi by the hand, squeezing it almost painfully. “He is here.”

“Who?” Levi asked, trying to see who the fuck managed to worry Hange so much.

“No, no,” she whispered. “Don’t look at him. Maybe, he won’t notice us then.”

“Who did you—”

And oh, now Levi saw him too. Zeke fucking Yeager.

“You know him?” he asked.

“Yes,” it wasn’t hard to notice the distain in her tone. “We’ve attended the same university. He was the second most successful student. After me, of course. We were rivals, of sorts. Wait,” Hange looked at Levi with wide eyes. “You know him too?”

“Yes,” Levi sighed. “His company rivals my uncle’s.”

“Shit,” Hange said. Levi couldn’t agree more.

“Shit,” she repeated, more urgently this time. “He saw us. And he’s heading our way.”

If Levi wanted to escape, it was too late now. In a matter of seconds, Zeke was standing right in front of them.

“Who do I see? The brightest mind of our generation,” with a sweet smile on his face, Zeke grabbed Hange’s palm and planted a kiss on it. “Miss Hange Zoe, it’s been awhile.”

“It’s Doctor Hange Zoe,” she corrected. “And I’m sure you know it.”

“Ah, as fierce as ever,” he chuckled. “I’ve missed your passion.”

“And haven’t you missed me, Zeke?” Levi interrupted, glaring at him.

Zeke chuckled again. “Levi, I didn’t notice you. I think you’ve become even shorter.”

Levi had to summon all of his willpower to stop himself from punching that arrogant asshole. Hange’s hand, which was squeezing his almost painfully, did a great job of keeping him grounded.

“And I think you’ve become an even bigger piece of a shit than you were,” he gritted through his teeth.

“As vulgar as always,” Zeke rolled his eyes. “What else could I expect from an Ackerman?”

Zeke continued to show his overly sweet smile, but his eyes filled with some confusion, as he saw Hange and Levi’s joined hands.

“Don’t tell you’ve come here with him, Miss Zoe,” he said, pointedly ignoring Levi.

“I haven’t come with him,” Hange replied, her smile so big, she almost bared her teeth at Zeke. “I am with him.”

“You’re dating?” Zeke’s eyebrows went so high, they’ve reached his hairline. “So you didn’t take pity on that pathetic friend of yours? The one, who was always following you like a faithful dog?”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Hange said, her voice cold and her gaze sharp.

“Oh, so you don’t even remember him? That foolish guy… what was his name? Mob— Mobit?”

“Moblit,” Hange corrected him through gritted teeth. “And there is nothing pathetic or foolish about him. He’s ten times better person than you are.”

“Really? He’s so good? And yet you’ve chosen Levi Ackerman over him?”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” Hange sneered. “But if you haven’t noticed how amazing Levi is, then I don’t think I can persuade you.”

Unfortunately, before Levi could relish in the sight of Zeke’s dumfounded face or process what Hange had just said about him, he was quite rudely dragged away.

“What a fucking asshole, what a jerk,” Hange muttered, as she led Levi through the crowd of guests. “How dare he talk about Moblit like this, and how dare he shit on you as well, I just—”

Levi stopped so abruptly, Hange had no other choice than to come to a stop alongside him.

“What?” she asked. “Do you see another annoying asshole?”

“No,” Levi shook his head, wondering if he actually understood Hange clearly. Was she pissed off at Zeke not just for offending her friend? Did she try to defend him as well? “Everything’s fine, let’s go to the balcony. I need to get some air.”

“Yeah, good idea,” Hange nodded.

As they stood at the balcony, each lost in their own thoughts, Levi couldn’t help but stare at Hange. Illuminated by stars and city lights, she looked different than usual. Almost surreal.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” she suddenly cursed, breaking Levi out of his reverie. “That fucker is still staring at us.”

Levi looked back and saw it too. Zeke was standing in the main room, looking right at them and smirking arrogantly.

An idea popped up in Levi’s head.

“Hey,” he said before he could stop himself. “Do you want to piss him off?”

“Of course,” Hange agreed without hesitation.

Levi smirked, laying his hands on Hange’s waist and bringing her closer. The voice inside his head cursed and protested, begging Levi to stop. He didn’t listen.

Instead, he leaned in even closer, until mere centimeters were everything that separated Hange and him. He gave her last careful look, searching for the smallest signs of discomfort. There wasn’t any.

So Levi connected his lips with hers, instantly losing himself in the kiss. His hands gripped her waist tighter, as he deepened the kiss.

Zeke probably wasn’t watching them anymore, but Levi continued to kiss her. Just to be sure.

And he would have continued to kiss her for much longer, but suddenly Hange pushed him away.

“Not that I’m not enjoying it,” she chuckled, her voice husky. She was enjoying it? Levi wondered if she meant the kiss or the act of pissing Zeke off. “But I think we should stop. Otherwise we’ll get kicked out of this fancy party.”

I don’t care, Levi almost argued. If he looked around, he’d see dozen of people staring at him. He’d see Zeke and his friends, watching them with disgust (and with poorly hidden envy), Kenny, smirking proudly, and all the other guests, giving him confused looks, not actually believing that Levi Ackerman, a known bachelor just as his uncle, was kissing some unknown, nerdy-looking woman.

And still, he didn’t care. None of it mattered, not really. Not as much as Hange did.

But he couldn’t tell that to her, couldn’t reveal what exactly she made him feel.

So he took a step back, letting go of her, and nodded, still looking a little bit dazed. “Let’s go home, then. I’m sick of this stupid shit.”

As soon as they got home, Hange headed to her bedroom, claiming that she was exhausted.

Levi couldn’t decide if he should feel relieved or disappointed.

***

The next Friday, it was Levi’s turn to host Ackerman family dinner. He spent the whole day in the kitchen, preparing the food and slapping Hange’s hands away, whenever she tried to help him.

He had witnessed her once, cooking an omelet. He swore to never let her come close to oven ever again.

Amazingly, but that dinner was even more successful than the first one. Levi’s mother and uncle seemed to like Hange even more, as her bright smile and warm eyes managed to charm them even further.

As he watched the three of them talk, Levi remembered that he planned on ‘breaking up’ with Hange soon. Initially, Hange agreed to be his girlfriend for a month. Levi didn’t believe that he’d endure her for so long. But now it felt like it wasn’t even nearly enough.

He liked living with Hange. Even though, all of it was an act, just Hange doing, what he had paid her for, Levi started to wish that all of it was real. That Hange was actually his girlfriend, that all of her signs of affection were genuine, that she actually liked him.

He started to wish that he could stop pretending that it was all just an act for him.

***

Levi just returned back to his apartment after walking his mother and Kenny to their car, when he heard a strange sound. It sounded like four-eyes didn’t fucking listen to him and decided to wash the dishes.

“What the fuck are doing?” he asked, walking into the kitchen and scowling at Hange.

“Well, what does it look like?” Hange shrugged, undisturbed by Levi’s hard gaze. “I’m doing the dishes.”

“I told you I’m going to do it myself.”

A smirk appeared on Hange’s lips. A very mischievous and evil smirk. “Then come here and stop me, shorty.”

Levi growled and started moving. That was his mistake. As soon as he was close enough, Hange took the faucet in her hands and directed the flaw directly at him.

He cursed, as he realized that his favorite shirt was ruined, but didn’t stop. He reached Hange and put his hands on hers, trying to push her away. She redirected the flaw from his shirt to his face.

Spurting and gritting his teeth, Levi used all of his force to press her to the countertop. Without looking away from her face, he turned off the faucet.

“So?” he said right into her lips. “What are you going to do now?”

“Oh, Levi,” Hange rolled her eyes, looking relaxed and quite content. “You should know that I always have an ace up my sleeve.”

Before Levi could really process her words, Hange surged forward, claiming his lips in a passionate kiss. Instantly, Levi’s mind was turned off, just like that faucet moments ago. He forgot about his wet shirt, about his annoyance and anger. All that was left was Hange and the feeling of her body in his arms.

“A-ah, Levi!” Hange moaned, as Levi moved away from her lips to bite at her earlobe. That sound was like music to him. “W-wait, wait!”

She put her hands on his chest, pushing away. Confused, Levi instantly took a step back.

“Are we really going to do it?” Levi became even more confused. They’ve done it before, two weeks ago. And they’ve kissed again at the Gathering. Why was Hange against it now? “I mean,” she trailed off, her gaze constantly darting to his lips. “Wouldn’t it be better to move to the bedroom?”

Oh, Levi couldn’t believe, how relieved he felt.

Without wasting any second, he kissed Hange again.

“It’s the smartest thing you’ve said to me,” he whispered, before taking her hand and hurriedly leading her to his bedroom.

***

And so… they’ve fucked again. And as Levi woke up (again, much later than usual), again his bed was empty.

So it was just sex after all. Levi knew he shouldn’t be surprised. But his heart still squeezed painfully, as that realization hit him.

***

After taking a shower and putting his clothes on, Levi walked out of the bedroom, searching for Hange. He knew that he should leave it and her alone, try to forget about last night, but he felt almost physical need to see her. Just to make sure that she was still there, that she didn’t leave him.

But as Levi walked up to her room, he saw that Hange wasn’t alone.

Her friend Moblit was sitting in a chair, as Hange stood close to him, her right hand pointing at something on the computer screen. Her left hand was at the back of Moblit’s head, as her fingers absentmindedly played with his hair.

As he watched that overly sweet scene, Levi’s jaw tightened. Anger began flowing through him like hot lava.

Without saying anything, he shut the door closed and turned around, walking out of his apartment.

So for Hange it really was just sex? She really didn’t feel anything for him? Levi knew, he knew that he shouldn’t have expected anything else. It was just a job for Hange, and who could blame her for deciding to have some fun, while at it?

It was Levi, who was a fool. He made a mistake, he got attached. He should have known better.

But he didn’t.

Levi spent almost three hours, wondering the streets. Trying to get those annoying thoughts about Hange out of his head.

Thankfully, he knew just the right remedy for that.

So he headed to his office, determined to throw himself head-first into the work.

***

And threw himself he did. He was pushing himself to the point of exhaustion, sitting in his office till early hours of morning. He slept for less than two hours and he came home only to shower and change clothes. He avoided Hange completely, ignoring all of her texts and calls.

It was just one more week, he kept telling himself. One more week and this whole idiotic charade would be over. His life would return to normal and he would forget about that stupid woman.

Hange would disappear from his life. And maybe then, his heart would stop aching.

***

Levi kept that crazy schedule for four days straight. And, unfortunately, but naturally, it had quite negative effects on his productivity.

He cursed, as he was getting ready to a meeting with investors, and realized that he had forgotten important documents at home. He had two hours until the meeting started, but it was the middle of the day. If he came home now, it would be impossible to avoid Hange.

Levi cursed again, thinking, if he had any alternatives. Of course, he could ask someone else to pick the documents for him. One of his assistants, for example. Or he could just suck it up and do it himself.

After all, it was his apartment. And, maybe, Hange wasn’t even awake right now, or, maybe, she was too absorbed in another one of her experiments. She probably wouldn’t even notice his arrival. And even if she did, Levi would be gone, before she could start a conversation.

And with that in mind, Levi headed out of his office.

***

As he entered his apartment, Levi found it to be blessedly quiet. So, his guess was right – Hange was sleeping. It wouldn’t be so peaceful, if she wasn’t.

Satisfied that he wouldn’t run into her, Levi decided to brew himself a cup of tea. The one he was drinking at the office wasn’t as good as the one he had at home. Levi missed its exquisite taste.

However, as he walked into the kitchen, he found out that he wasn’t alone at his apartment. No, that fucker, Moblit, was sitting there.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said, putting down the book he was reading. “Hange said you wouldn’t return until evening. She went out to grab us a lunch,” he hurriedly explained.

“Whatever,” Levi grumbled, taking out his favorite cup. Just the sight of Moblit’s face made his anger resurface, but Levi decided to ignore it. He wouldn’t lose his cool because of some idiot Hange was evidently in love with.

“You’re breaking her heart, you know,” Moblit quietly said. Levi froze. “You’ve been avoiding her and Hange noticed it,” Moblit continued, staring into his cup. “It makes her sad.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Levi looked away from him, determined to finish brewing his tea. Deciding to ignore those stupid words and how they made him feel.

“You really don’t?” Moblit asked. The earnest tone of his voice made Levi clench his jaw. He didn’t know what he was talking about. And he didn’t want to. “Do you really not care about Hange?”

“I don’t,” Levi said, hating how untrue he sounded even to his own ears. “And besides,” he took a step closer, glaring furiously at Moblit. “Why are you so worked up about this? Even if it’s true and I’m breaking Hange’s heart, why are you so upset? It could be your chance, you know. If she’s sad, you can be the one to soothe her pain. Be her shoulder to cry on. Maybe, then she will finally see you.”

Moblit shot to his feet, his hands clenched into fists and trembling with barely conceived anger. “If it weren’t for Hange,” he gritted through his teeth. “I would have punched you. God knows, you deserve it. You’re lucky she cares about you.”

He pushed past Levi, heading to the entrance door. “Tell Hange I’ve got some urgent business.” He said before walking out.

Levi watched him go, his shoulders shaking from anger. He wanted to smash something, to take something in his hands and fucking break it. Maybe, Moblit really should have punched him, Levi would have punched him back. It would be a great outlet for his frustration.

But as the moments went by, Levi’s anger at Moblit, and at Hange, disappeared. Instead, as his mind began to clear out, Levi understood what he had done, what he had said.

Moblit didn’t deserve such cruel words. Clearly, he was a good man, who cared about his friend. It wasn’t his fault that Hange cared about him too. It wasn’t his, or hers, fault that Levi wanted her to care about him instead.

Levi sighed, slowly lowering himself onto the chair. He was going crazy, that’s for sure.

One week, he reminded himself. He needs to survive one week, and then it would be over.

***

He was still sitting there, trying to regain his composure, when the front door of his apartment opened. Hange walked in, carrying a box of pizza in her hands.

“Levi!” the surprise was evident in her voice. Levi looked up at her and instantly regretted his decision. His treacherous heart skipped a beat at the sight of her face. He didn’t realize that he missed her so much.

“I didn’t expect you to come home so early. Something happened?” she asked, staring at him worriedly.

“Forgot some documents at home,” he murmured absentmindedly, unable to take his eyes away from her.

“Oh, did you have lunch already?” she put the pizza down. “Want to join Moblit and me?”

“Moblit went home,” as he said those words, he was once again filled with guilt and shame. “He needed to take care of something.”

Hange’s face fell. “I brought his favorite pizza…” however, a moment later, a smile returned to her lips. “Well, then you definitely have to share it with me! I can’t eat it all by myself.”

Levi wanted to refuse. He even had a reason to – he had to return back to work. But looking at Hange’s hopeful eyes, he felt his resolve slipping.

“Fine,” he said, trying to sound as annoyed as possible. “But don’t you dare to bore me with your scientific rumblings.”

“As you wish!” Hange laughed. “Besides, I want to hear about you too. What have you been up to these days? You work so much, I barely see you anymore.”

Levi hated the genuine worry in Hange’s voice. It tugged at his heart. It made him feel like the biggest jerk in the world. It filled him with remorse and regret.

“I… I just had a lot of work.”

She shook her head. “You should take it easy. Your mother worries, you know.”

“You talked with her?” Levi raised his eyebrows. It was news to him.

“She visited me yesterday,” Hange shrugged. “She probably wanted to see you, as well.”

“Oh.”

“Your mother is very nice,” Hange chuckled. “I’ll miss her after our break-up.”

Of course, they were going to ‘break up’ this weekend. Their arrangement was coming to an end.

Levi knew he should feel relieved. But he didn’t.

“You should probably get her ready for our break-up,” Hange took a bite of the pizza, oblivious to the effect this particular conversation had on Levi. “So it wouldn’t seem like it happened out of blue.”

Levi nodded, looking away from Hange. He knew that all of it was a lie, that their relationship weren’t real. But for some reason, his heart still ached and just the thought of saying goodbye to Hange made him sick.

“I need to go,” he suddenly rose to his feet, hastily finishing his slice of pizza. “I have an important meeting.”

“Will you come home this evening?” Hange asked, her eyes boring into his. “Or will you spend the night in your office again?”

“You’ve been avoiding her and Hange noticed it,” Moblit’s words rang inside his head. “It makes her sad.”

“I have a lot of work,” he answered helplessly. Then, before he could stop himself, he added. “But I’ll try to finish earlier.”

“Yay!” the obviously happy smile on Hange’s face made Levi’s mouth go dry. “Then I’m cooking dinner tonight!”

“Don’t you dare,” Levi hissed. “I’ll order take-out on my way home.”

“Still don’t trust my cooking skills, shorty?”

“I just want to keep my apartment,” he retorted before leaving the kitchen.

As he was heading to the office, a small smile was on his lips.

He didn’t even notice.

***

“Honey?” Kuchel softly knocked on the side his office’s door. “Are you busy?”

“No,” Levi shook his head, putting his papers away. There was no work more important than his mother. “Is everything alright?”

“Of course. Just brought you some sandwiches,” Kuchel laid them down on his desk, taking a seat across from Levi. “You’ve been working a lot these past few days.”

“Yeah,” Levi ran a hand through his hair. “There are a lot of things that need my attention.”

“So responsible,” Kuchel smiled. “You look exhausted. And stressed,” she looked at Levi, her usually soft grey eyes turning sharp. “Is the work the only thing that worries you?”

“N-no…” Levi looked away, feigning distress. “We’ve been fighting with Hange…”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I think…” he sighed, lowering his head. He couldn’t lie while looking his mother in the eyes. “I think we’re going to break up, mom.”

Levi carefully looked at his mother beneath his hair. He expected her to be shocked, or, maybe, saddened. Her shoulders indeed were shaking, and Levi was ready to get up and comfort her, but then he gave her another look. She covered her mouth with a hand, but there were no tears in her eyes. No, instead, his mother seemed to be trying to keep herself from laughing.

Levi stared at her, utterly confused. “Mom?”

“I’m sorry, sorry,” a small laugh escaped her lips. “I just didn’t know that you can break up with someone, if you’ve never actually dated.”

“What?” Levi’s eyes widened. “You… you knew?”

“Of course, I did, honey,” Kuchel covered his hand with hers. “I knew it from the moment you’ve told me about this mysterious girl of yours.”

“Then why… why didn’t you tell me?”

Kuchel shrugged, a look of mischief in her eyes. “I wanted to see what you were going to do. Truth be told, I thought you’d just confess that it was a lie. But I guess I should have known that you wouldn’t give up so easily. And then you brought this girl,” her grin turned into a fond smile. “I watched you two together, bickering and teasing each other, and I saw… potential.”

“Potential?”

“You were comfortable with her. And she didn’t seem to care about your insults and constant scowls. You were good together, you seemed happy. And then I saw you kissing on the sofa in our living room. You were quite passionate, that’s for sure,” she winked. “So I decided to keep quiet. To see where it can lead to.”

“Shit,” Levi covered his eyes. “So you knew all this time…” he couldn’t wrap his head around it. “Kenny knows too?”

Kuchel chuckled. “Of course, no. Your uncle is a smart man, but he’s not quite as sharp as I am.”

“Thank fucking god he isn’t.” If Kenny knew about his idiotic plan, Levi wasn’t sure that he’d be able to survive the humiliation.

“Levi?” Kuchel looked him in the eyes. “You like Hange, don’t you?”

“Yeah… but it doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because she doesn’t like me back.”

Kuchel smiled, getting to her feet and coming to stand in front of Levi. She put her hand on his cheek, gently caressing it. “Are you so sure about it, dear?”

“Of course I am,” Levi turned away from his mother’s eyes. “She already has someone.”

“She does?” Kuchel’s asked, her voice soft as silk.

“I… I think so.”

“Honey, why don’t you go and talk to her?” his mother proposed. “You won’t know how she feels about you, until you ask her.”

“But what if she doesn’t feel the same as I do?” Levi whispered.

Kuchel shrugged, ruffling his hair. “You accept it. You try to move on. You’d feel a lot worse if you don’t use this chance. Believe me, you’ll be regretting it for the rest of your life.”

“I… yeah, you’re right,” Levi nodded, feeling much better now. His mother was right, it was better to get rejected than tormenting yourself with ‘what ifs’. “I’ll go and see her now. Thank you,” he tightly embraced his mother.

“I’m always there for you, honey,” Kuchel smiled, squeezing Levi once before letting him go. “Now go. And call me afterwards! I’ll be waiting!”

“Of course,” Levi said and then left his office.

No matter the result, he was determined to tell Hange how he felt about her.

***

When Levi arrived at his apartment, Hange was in the middle of packing her things. Moblit was helping her with that, and when Levi showed up, he narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw, glaring at him.

Well, Levi wasn’t blaming him. After their last conversation, the guy had every reason to hate him. Levi needed to apologize to him.

But that could wait, he had to talk to Hange first. While he still had his resolve.

“Hange? Can we talk?” he asked her quietly. “In private,” he added, glancing at Moblit.

“I… of course,” Hange smiled. She turned to Moblit and they looked at each other, having a silent conversation. Hange smiled and squeezed his elbow. Moblit sighed, but evidently agreed to leave them alone. Before he walked out, he gave Levi another disapproving look.

“So? Did you tell your mother about our break-up?”

Levi shook his head. “I didn’t really need to.”

“Huh?” Hange frowned.

“She knew that all of it was a lie.”

“Ouch,” Hange winced. “What gave us away?”

“Nothing,” Levi said. “She knew it from the very beginning. Even before she met you.”

Hange chuckled awkwardly, scratching her neck. “You must be embarrassed.”

“Yeah, it sucks,” Levi agreed.

“So?” Hange put her hands in the pockets of her pants, looking as relaxed as ever. But Levi knew it wasn’t true. Her shoulders were tense and she was biting her lip, her eyes darting from one corner of the room to another. Never stopping at Levi. “This is a goodbye?”

“If you want it to be.”

“Huh?” Hange finally looked at him, confusion swirling in her gaze. “What do you mean, Levi?”

Levi clenched his fists. It was now or never.

He was going to do it, he was going to confess to Hange. Right fucking now.

However, as he looked into her eyes, he began to lose some of his courage. He turned away, coming to stand by a window.

“Before I met you…” he began, his voice quiet, but steady. “My life was quite miserable. I was so lonely and I couldn’t even admit it. But when you showed up, when you moved in with me, I started to realize that maybe I was wrong. That maybe I didn’t want to be alone. And when I was with you, I realized that I don’t have to be alone. I finally understood how good it felt to be with someone. And I know it was a lie, I know we’ve just pretended, but I’ve spent the whole month, desperately wishing for it to be true. I know that this is inappropriate and I know that you probably don’t feel the same, but I—”

“Levi,” Hange came up to him, grabbing his elbow and turning him around to look at him. “I have feelings for you too.”

“What? What kind of feelings? Do you m—”

“Levi,” Hange pressed a hand to his mouth, silencing him. “I have never thought I’d tell you that, but you’re talking too much,” she smiled, as she saw his glare. Now that was the Levi she knew. “And to answer your question – romantic ones. I like you, Levi.”

“Oh,” Levi was so surprised that he forgot to be annoyed by the fact that Hange pressed her probably dirty hand to his mouth. He could lecture her about it later. Now there was a more pressing matter. “So you like me? Not Moblit— or anyone else, but me?”

“Yes, dumbass,” Hange rolled her eyes. “I like you. Wait,” she looked at him closely, a sly grin on her lips. “You thought I liked Moblit? Were you jealous?”

Levi looked away, a stupid blush appearing on his cheeks. “I may have gotten into a fight with him. I… said things to him that I… that I shouldn’t have.”

“Oh god!” Hange doubled over with laughter, clutching at her sides. “That was why he was so angry with you! I knew something happened between you two, but he refused to tell me about it! I thought he had broken your favorite mug or something, but you were just jealous! Oh, Levi,” she straightened out, cupping his face in her hands. “You’re so adorable!”

“No one had ever called me that,” he replied gloomily. However, he didn’t move away, staring up at her.

“You know,” Hange leaned in. “This is definitely the part, where you kiss me.”

“Really?” Levi wrapped his hands around her waist. He rose to his tiptoes, so he could reach her lips. And then, finally, he kissed her.

It was a slow, languid and gentle kiss, different from the ones they’ve shared before. Those were needy and passionate, Levi liked them, but this one – oh, he could spend an eternity kissing Hange like this.

“Wow,” Hange breathed out, when they broke apart. She gingerly pressed her fingertips to her lips. Levi enjoyed the dazed look on her face. “That was… really good.”

Levi frowned. “You didn’t like our previous kisses?”

“No!” Hange hastily protested. “Those were awesome too! But this one, well, I didn’t know you could be so gentle.”

And, truth be told, neither did Levi. As it turned out, there were a lot of things he didn’t know about himself.

But with Hange by his side, maybe, he could figure it out.

#this one's longer than usually ladies #levihan #levihan fanfiction #levi and hange #levi x hanji #hange zoe #levi ackerman #hanji zoe #levi aot #levi snk #snk #Shingeki no Kyoijin #snk fanfiction #moblit berner

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