#Varian/Ethan Speaks

[anxious-little-faicye]

So um. Yeah. About Fundy's "jokes".

Listen. You have every right to be angry, upset, disappointed. I am too. Just know whatever you feel at the moment and whatever you choose to do moving forward is valid.

-If you choose to completely cut Fundy out of your life (meaning unsubscribing, unfollowing, etc) that is absolutely valid and understandable.

-If you need to take a break right now from his content to think about what will your actions be on regards to him that is very understandable.

-If you expect AT LEAST an apology, but will still continue to follow him that is more than valid.

Do not feel guilty for feeling one way or the other, what he said was not okay in any way, shape or form, and the way that it affected you is more than worth of validation and recognition.

But please, just don't go attacking eachother for picking blue or red. Everyone has the right to have their OPINIONS. And, hey, between you and me? People CAN make shitty mistakes and STILL not be a bad person. Does it make it less wrong? No f*cking way.

So yeah, that's it for now. Do whatever you feel is right hun, and don't let anyone shame you for it. Also remember to take care of yourself. Drink some water, hug your favorite plushy, wrap yourself in the comfiest blanket. I know it sucks, but things will be okay, alright?

Stay safe fam.

[anxious-little-faicye]

I've had this shirt since I was 12 years old, it was my favorite shirt in the world. It had a red and black pattern like a flannel, and it was so soft and comfortable and safe and overall nice. I left my bad situation a couple of months ago, I haven't been able to even look at that shirt without my anxiety spiking up and my throat closing. Why? I used to wear it a lot in my abusive household. That's all it took.

There is this path I used to take that went from my school to the main street. I loved it, it's filled with flower trees and this really cool Ancient Vibes buildings. I haven't walked on it since last year.

The smell of baked goods? Cake? Cookies? Bread? An immediate anxiety attack.

Can't go to parks. Can't go to squears. Can't really go to the city center alone. Not because anyone is prohibiting me, but because of my own panic.

Triggers are not always what you think they'll be, sometimes they can be the smallest of things. The important thing is learning how to identify them, and for the other people to understand and respect them.

In case anyone wants some perspective on how utterly random triggers can be. I haven’t lived in a house with a garage door in four-ish years. Right now at this moment, I honestly can’t recall what they sound like, except something metallic moving and rather clanky.

There was one on tv. I wasn’t even paying attention to it, I had my headphones on and was actively trying to tune the show out. My ears picked up on the sound of the garage door, and a jolt of adrenaline shot through my body as I grabbed my laptop and moved to get out of my seat and run to my room.

I realized what happened after about two seconds.

The sound is gone from my ears, but my heart is still racing and I’m waiting for the door to the house to open, to hear the jingling of my mother’s keys and her footsteps moving through the house. My muscles are still tense and I’m fighting the urge to run to my room and stick a board in front of the door.

For years, the sound of a garage door was my warning to pack up what I was doing quickly and retreat to my room if I was out of it.

I can’t remember the sound of the garage door right now, but I can’t tell my brain to stop trying to react to it.

[stormypaint]

Do you wanna explain it? I can help, maybe. (At least with the gender part.)

Um. I suppose, okay. 

I now have at least three people who, in real life, refer to me with he/him pronouns. And it’s weirder than I thought, verbally instead of in text, which is leaving me wondering whether it’s a “new but not unwelcome” thing or if it’s just.. weird.

Add in the confusion of the feminine chunks of my genderfluidity, and the fact that I recently found a very feminine name I also like that I might tack on to Varian & Ethan, and you’ve got yourself a walking disaster waiting to happen.

And, speaking of waiting, I’ve started planning ahead of 2020, because it distracts me from the present and gives me something to look forward to, but knowing all the cringey things that I’ve done on my blog, and how if I get to where I want to be, people who know my name from my blog could trace it back, and that somehow, something I’ve accidentally done in the past could screw me over in the future.

I don’t think I’ve done anything that could do that, and I actively try not to, but.. idk. It’s a shit ton of unnecessary anxiety. So.. oof.

It’s all making me consider using an alias on here, or taking off one of my names from my blog (likely Varian, since Ethan’s more common) just as a comfort to myself. 

It’d be for the same reason I’ve never shown a picture of myself or my voice to anyone on here- not even my QPP (though they have seen a picture of me via my irl friend and we’ve VC’d). It’s like..

I don’t wanna fuck myself over before I even start.

[anxious-little-faicye]

hey there ex Unus Annus fans, how's that hyperfixation on Dream SMP, Markiplier Egos and Among Us Streamers doing?

[anxious-little-faicye]

Okok, hear me out: an AU in which Philza, being the Angel of Death, was sent to kill Techno and Tommy (both in separate times and for different reasons), but there is only one issue...

Both were kids when Death decided they should go.

And Philza being, well, Philza, couldn't do the job because "no way I'm murdering children". Or even better, "no way I'm murdering THESE children" for X thing.

So what does he do? Mr. Minecraft takes them under his wing (pun intended) and raises them as his own, along with his biological son Wilbur. All behind Death's back.

In this AU, Techno gets adopted first, and a couple of years latter Tommy. Extra angst points if Tommy was a baby when Phil was supposed to kill him 👀

[anxious-little-faicye]

I don't really watch Ethan's streams (not because I don't want to, but because my internet is crap and just Can't Handle Twitch, bless the VOD channel-), but for what I've seen people are trespassing WAY too many boundaries with him.

Let me say it again and louder for the people on the back: Content creators are human beings. Ethan is a 24 years old adult, able to handle his own income. On what or where HE decides to spend HIS money in is none of our business. Period.

And him having ADHD? Does NOT give you the right to treat him like a child. Neurodivergence does not equal inability.

When the joke's with him? Cool, great. We all laughed with Ethan at "eef" or at the "oh, he be too ADD" bit he did on Unus Annus. But when he STRAIGHT UP asks you to stop and you keep pushing? That's a line fucking crossed.

Treat Ethan as an adult person y'all, I'm surprised I even have to say this. Respect the boundaries between content creators and viewers.

The fact that people on Ethans streams, no matter how many times he and his mods tell them to stop, continuously treat him like he’s some little kid that can’t do anything really says a lot about how people view adults with ADHD.

Like, making jokes about how he gets really hyper sometimes or forgets things easily is one thing (which personally I don’t like either but that’s a whole other topic) but constantly acting like he can’t take care of himself or he doesn’t know what’s best for himself is really fucking annoying and really infantilizing.

People in his chat are always saying that he looks sad or upset or stressed just because he’s fidgeting or spacing out slightly. and when he’s really happy or enthusiastic people say that he’s drunk or high or something!! I know ableism is a buzzword right now and people don’t take it seriously anymore but this is ableism!!! Neurodivergent people aren’t drunk or high or sad, we’re just neurodivergent!!! What happened in Ethans stream today was yet another example of this happening. although people did take it a lot farther than they normally do.

On the subject of what happened today though, the fact that people were saying that him buying a chair??? to help his back pain??? was him impulse buying??? what??? He’s 24 Years Old!!! I genuinely don’t understand why people can’t just respect his choices and trust that he knows how to be a competent human??? And even if you don’t think he is it’s NOT ANY OF OUR FUCKING BUSINESS HOW HE SPENDS HIS OWN MONEY WHAT????? I get that we watch him and know a lot about him from his videos, but y’all gotta remember that to him, we’re all complete strangers!!! and we all probably don’t know him as well as we think we do!!! I doubt any of us would take financial advice from a bunch of 12 year old strangers on the internet, so why do y’all seem to think telling off adult men about their spending habits is solicited in any way????

Once again: ETHAN IS 24 YEARS OLD, HES AN ADULT AND A VERY SUCCESSFUL ONE AT THAT. JUST BECAUSE HE HAS ADHD DOESNT GIVE YALL THE RIGHT TO TREAT HIM LIKE SOME CHILD AND THINK YOU KNOW BETTER THAN HE DOES, BECAUSE MOST LIKELY YOU DONT.

sincerely: a person with ADHD who’s tired of seeing neurodivergent people being treated like children just because we behave slightly differently than neurotypical people <3

(sorry for this rant, i’ll probably delete this later. stuff like this just makes me really angry)

[anxious-little-faicye]

No, and you know what the worst part about this is? I know every character is going to blame Tommy for it one way or another.

Again.

Tommy fucked up. He is VERY aware he fucked up big time. But was it all his fault? Wilbur's revival? Absolutely not.

... And yet YOU KNOW not only his friends, the people he cares about the most are going to pin this on him (*side-looks at exile arc* familiar much?), but he is also gonna blame himself for it.

You know this already traumatized kid is gonna put himself through hell and back to fix "his" mistake. To bring peace and safety to the server and to his loved ones. To be forced on the shoes of the hero once more.

But just as an old friend said, good things don't happen to heores.

And here we go again, like an old record we all know by heart. Tommy is going to get blamed for something that, inherently, wasn't fully his fault. And all the friendships and the support and the unity these broken guys managed to create, boom, gone. Again. Tommy is probably going to get isolated. Again.

Because we've already seen what happens when people get together against one common enemy... And Dream wouldn't like that again.

History is really doomed to repeat itself huh.

Tl;tr: Tommy is most likely going to get blamed for Wilbur's revival by everyone else, again. Just how it happened in Exile Arc.

[anxious-little-faicye]

"I completely understand this character's motives and their tragic backstory, I recognize the pain they went through, and I can see how they got from point A to point B"

and

"Still their actions are not justifiable in any way, they ended up causing unbelievable amounts of suffering to others and ignoring the damage they left behind would be just unfair to the people harmed "

are statements that can and SHOULD coexist.

[anxious-little-faicye]

Songs That Gives Me "Villain Unus and Annus" Vibes

(Why? Idk man I'm bored and have so many AUs for those 2)

Villian - Wild Fire

Hypnotized - Set It Off

Not Gonna Die - Skillet (Unus and Annus fighting against the clock, they're not ready to say goodbye)

No World For Tomorrow - Coheed and Cambria

They're Only Human - Death Note the Musical

The Hearse Song - Rusty Cage (tw for graphic description of body decomposing)

O' Death - Soundtrack from Until Dawn

Gasoline - Halsey

Discord - The Living Tombstone (this song but it's The Editors @ Unus and Annus)

Paint It, Black - Ciara (*cough cough* Unus *cough cough*)

Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn

Show & Tell - melanie martinez (Unus and Annus being trapped in the machine and forced to make videos anyone? 👀)

There Isn't Any God - Rusty Cage

Secret - The Pierces

bury a friend - Billie Eilish (dIGGING YOUR FRIEND A GRAVE- Ups sorry, wrong song)

City of the Death - EURIELLE (it has Latin lyrics, that's all I'm gonna say)

Feel free to add on!

[anxious-little-faicye]

me, a trans folk happy with representation: *makes one (1) post about Dream SMP and Fundy*

the Dream SMP fandom: new guy,,,,,? new c,,,,h i l d,,,,,? We must ✨a d o p t✨ C H I L D. m I nE now. Come child, i shall gUIDE you.

[anxious-little-faicye]

/RP *sigh* You know, I'm not even that upset that Tommy died, it was meant to happen one way or another. It's just how he died what hurts the most.

Tommy didn't die protecting two of his most priced possessions against the soon-to-be tyrant of the server.

Tommy didn't die with his sword and shield out, ready to give up everything for his country.

Tommy didn't die fighting until his last breath for justice and independence.

Tommy didn't die sacrificing himself for the well-being of those he loved the most.

Hell- Tommy didn't even died after being left alone, manipulated, used, with no one else by his side.

You wana know HOW he died?

Killed by his abuser. Beaten up to death by the one person that hurt him the most. Trapped in an inescapable cage with Dream like a cruel, twisted game of Cat and Mouse.

That's how Tommy died. How this manipulated, broken, crackhead 16 years old boy died. How the story of the hero ended.

And it hurts.

[anxious-little-faicye]

everyday I am more and more grateful that I decided to join tumblr and not twitter

[anxious-little-faicye]

sometimes I wonder how I still have friends

[anxious-little-faicye]

anyways George's video of him wearing the Colorblind glasses in Minecraft as Dream guides him through colors is the most wholesome and pure thing in the world and fuck I think I'm crying-

[anxious-little-faicye]

yes I want to have a paternal figure, but not in a "I am biologically one of your progenitors so love me" way, rather in a "look at that kid. What is this gremlin. Chaotic bastard. A Mess tm. My child now. I shall adopt you. Come child, I will protect your chaos" way, y'know?

Just find me by an abandoned road and take me home-

[anxious-little-faicye]

It's been HOURS, and still even thinking about what happened with Tommy makes me want to fucking cry and scream and flip my shit in frustration.

It isn't fair.

I know it might sound obvious but, it is not fair. It is not fucking fair. Tommy deserved better. I'm not even upset he died, but HOW he died? That is the worst thing.

He was brutally beaten up by his abuser, by the man that manipulated him and hit him and twisted his mind to the point of making him want to die. By the man that took his beloved country and freedom time and time again just so he can be at the top of the ladder. By the man that threatened this kid's best friend to archive his own goals. By the man that slayed him. By the man that shot him.

And like- IT WASN'T EVEN AN "IMPORTANT" DEATH. He just? Got beaten up??? And DIED????? NO WAR?????? NO HOPE OF DEFENDING HIMSELF??????? NO CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE?????????? TO FIND CLOSURE???????????????????????

That's the most anti-climatic, sudden death I've ever seen. And yeah, I know he will most likely be resurrected or come back as GhostInnit but... Is just not the same. Tommy is dead.

Tommy is dead, and the worst thing of all is that his death was in vain. He died because his abuser got tired of his toy. He died because he stood up for himself. He died because he couldn't be the hero anymore.

It just isn't fair.