#it is probably like 70% of the time but there are times where i digest them fine!

[aeons-domain]

Now I'm curious about something 🤔 Reblog this and put in the tags or comments what ideas or concepts did you scrap for your OC's lore/backstory.

I know an OC's background isn't always going to be consistent or concrete and that's fine! But do you ever have ideas that you either A) didn't have time to work on, B) found too complex to incorporate into their lore, or C) feel like it just didn't fit in based on the standards of whatever universe (canon or original) your OC is in? Or perhaps a secret fourth option, I dunno!

[knifegremliin]

okay i think i really gotta stop having scrambled eggs because oh god The Consequences

[auckie]

I think the things that offend me most nowadays in like, smaller interpersonal interactions rather than grand, sweeping trends in culture, are when people chose to not partake in a wide set of things. Like musical close mindedness, or refusal to try different foods from different cultures. Not watching an entire subset of films bc they’re ‘french’. Avoiding reading bc you say you have adhd and it’s too hard. Like dude I get it, I’m busy. I can be picky. Everyone can. But the willful ignorance of closing yourself off to those VAST portions of the human experience, and not having curiosity and a lust to learn and explore art that was made by someone worlds apart from you either in terms of their culture, era, whatever. I dunno man it just pisses me off so bad. I think it’s arrogant. Like oh you’re comfortable in your safe little bubble huh? And you’re enforcing its barriers with the excuse that you’re autistic and have sensory issues. With music made by black people?? lol okay. It is pretty presumptuous for me to assume malicious intent but I think those prejudices are borne from either the comfort of being someone who’s wealthy and probably white not feeling the need to learn past what they think is enough, or it’s a reflection of a society that’s taught you to prioritize what it shills— popular, current (white, depending where you live ig) artists who are making streamlined, easy to digest content. Often when I meet people with these issues they’ll have one particular ‘niche’, and it tends to be like. 70s music. Victorian literature. Anime and Japanese games. But they’re still not really investing beyond the media presented. Like there’s so much more to Japanese culture than liking some cartoons put out between 2010-2020. You don’t gotta become some sorta Einstein who learns the background of every little freak in FGO yeah. But don’t you wanna aim higher? Aren’t you interested in any of the historical figures? And nothings wrong with hopping onto a trend. You read Dracula bc of that Dracula daily thing. Cool! Read more. Some people will say they’re chronically ill or disabled and can’t get outside. That’s okay. The internet is full of things you can read other than fanfiction, YouTube has a shit ton of free music. There’s Wikipedia and free articles online if you have questions about things. Yeah nobody is spending four hours a day looking at the national archives website and studying art history but it’s imbued in the things around you, and youll absorb it ambiently as you go along. you dont have to be a jack of all trades and cover every major genre of every major medium, but it never hurts to try! I really love seeing ppl ask too. Bc it can be kind of humiliating to admit to what seems like some jackass hipster that you’ve never delved into, idk, Serbian films (lol not that one). And hopefully if whoever you’re asking will give you honest good recommendations and not berate you. I’m kind of berate a straw man rn I guess. The hostile tone def doesn’t lend to an atmosphere of sharing but I cannot tell you how many times I’ve rbed anything involving specifically jazz only to see someone rb and add the stupidest comment on the post, or in the tags, or go into my inbox to be like waaah I don’t like jazz bc it’s boring and old and for pretentious hypocrites who hate neurodivergent people! Like what are you TALKING about. Fine if you don’t like it but don’t try and rationalize that as a moral standing you shit lark. And just as they’re allowed to dislike jazz I’m allowed to not really enjoy people who don’t like jazz. Or country. Nautical knots. Knit wear. Watching urbex YouTubers get their shit rocked by squatters. Korean food. Pachuco fashion and stupid ugly low riders. Bollywood films. and they don’t want to try any of those things either yknow? The next thing I’m getting into is circuit bending.

[iatrophilosophos]

Ok so here's an anecdote I like to describe a pretty core tenant of what I call medical nihilism. Pls read this one ok it's long but it's good.

Tommie Bass (b. 1908 d. 1996) was a folk herbalist in Alabama who gained significant respect in his life and, despite never writing a book of his own, is a highly influential figure in southern usamerican and appalachian eclectic-western folk medicine. References to him can be found across contemporary herbalist writers like Matthew Wood and Michael Moore; but the easiest source of Bass' work and opinions can be found in A Reference Guide to Medicinal Plants by John crellin and Jane Philpott, two medical anthropologists who interviewed Bass extensively about his knolwege of local plants & presented his words in historical and contemporary scientific context. The fact they gave an extremely generic title to a book preserving the direct words of a notable figure towards the end of his life is a fascinatingly bad choice.

Bass believed (though, not exclusively) in putrification theory; this is the idea that diseases are caused by matter (usually food in the digestive tract) getting stuck in the body, rotting, and going rogue to cause infection. If you have a lot of exposure to alt health fads, you've probably seen this idea still floating around the world--or if you have grandparents who really care about regular bowl movements as major factor in health (beyond perhaps their own personal troubles that come with age), it might be related to this idea.

(Proponents of putrification theory--or any theory of disease, really--typically do not believe in it EXCLUSIVELY; just like industrial western medicine doesn't believe bacteria causes, like, scurvy. I haven't encountered a medical system that believes in one unifying cause of all ailments beyond rlly big picture like, Christian science god causes/does all; and it takes some pretty intense games of power and oppression for systems to arise in which people do not believe in communicable disease because, yknow, it's kinda. Obvious. Humans are good at pattern recognition. Anyway. Give people more credit than ur knee jerk you will learn way more interesting stuff & can always decide its stupid later).

Bass *also* believed that a major failure in public health/the personal health upkeep of people in his culture in community was that, despite vegetables being good and an important part of a healthy diet, people ate them too raw, were unable to digest them, and they caused a lot of disease.

Now, even though this fell off as the "reformer" campaign to "recover the lost whites" of appalachia and exterminate folk medical practices while expanding government services finished up its goals around, very loosely, 1940-1960, ish, (old people and superstition notwithstanding as a notable push to record medical traditions from the elderly happened around the 70s and 80s, including crellin & phillpott as well as Judith bolyard as notable academics here); bass grew up in & spent a good chunk of his adulthood in a cultural context where tooth-pulling was a very, very common response for tooth ache; and our understanding of the time absolutely reflects a lot of GI issues associated with people who are not able to sufficiently chew their foods (especially considering were looking at staple foods like salt pork and dark leafy greens!). Source: folk medicine in southern appalachia by Anthony Cavender.

We are primed to look at "boil the shit out of your vegetables or they'll rot in your body and make you sick" as ridiculous and possibly even unhealthy (some may be aware that some micronutrients are destroyed by high temperatures; though others, like minerals, are actually made significantly more bioavailable). But when we take a holistic look at this idea from Bass in context, it is both 1) internally consistent with his view of the world and 2) consistent with the evidence available to him. It is, actually, a piece of knowledge that WORKS in context.

So, what does nihilism have to do with it? This anecdote shows us a piece of medical knowledge that is effective and desirable in a given context, squared with reality-as-percieved; but is inappropriate and ineffective when transported to other contexts (where people have things like, teeth). This shows us a situation where "objective truth", if it does exist, is not particularly relevant and individual/small group results are.

Which brings us to the need for: locally-feasible, bioregionally-appropriate (e.g. can be carried out sustainably using the resources of a given ecosystem without being reliant on global trade or sacrifice-zone exteacfion), EFFECTIVE medical knowledge; and poses the question, how the fuck do we do that?

It is imperative that we, at least practically, reject the idea that western science has all the answers/will come across all the answers if we just wait for the white coats to figure it out. It doesn't really matter if you choose to have faith in the core tenant that the universe & thus human bodies function via consistent and knowable natural laws; because the apparatus that says it exists to bring you the benefits of that faith is failing and will die; and frankly, even if it were true a lot of us (hi) have chronic illnesses and disabilities where we're not exactly inclined to wait around for statistician-satisfying treatments that might not work for ppl in different socioeconomic-cultural positions than the test groups anyway. Also, uh, COVID! Novel mass diseases! We aint got time for the slow march of progress

Ok talk to me about this one i got schizo diagrams of knowledge cycles and shiiit but mostly i just wanna pose the question.

[nnjthndr]

I was thinking about what each losers' 4 favourite movies on letterboxed would be and then I proceeded to wrote my thoughts about their general taste in movies, enjoy.

Bill is a "horror fan" and by that I mean he has only watched the most digestible and acclaimed horror movies. He actually kinda likes shitty 90s slashers but thinks it will make him look like he has bad taste so he says he prefers the recent elevated horror stuff despite not liking or understanding them. Bill is also an MCU fan (or maybe was before phase 4). He goes to see every blockbuster no matter the quality. He also watches all of his wife's movies, of course, and only sometimes lies about he liking them (Even when Audra is saying that she fucking hated them). Bill says his favourite director is Nolan despite not really understanding half of his movies. Bill is an 'Avatar' (the movie) fan... what I'm getting at is that Bill is the one with the basic bitch taste (who doesn't even dabble in the one unique thing they like with the fear of having bad taste), sorry bill.

Richie has watched a lot of movies from every genre and has actual good taste. When asked about his favourite movies however he would only list shitty b movies (he has a Neil Breen movie in his top4) or popular horrible/funny bad movies (think cats, suicide squad, madame web, a minecraft movie etc). He watched all the Dreamworks movies, depending on the day his favourite is either 'Shark Tale' or 'The Bee Movie' (His actual fave is Shrek 2). His favourite horror movies are the Evil Dead movies. His fav director is Tarantino, watched all of his movies countless times, says his fav is Shyamalan instead. Says his fav recent movie is 'Old, the movie with the beach that makes you old' (never watched it his actual recent fave is Challengers) .

Eddie used to be the kind of guy who watched like 5 movies a year and said that his favourite movie was 'The Godfather' despite never seeing it. After Derry 2.0 is when he starts to actually watch movies. Eddie complains through most movies about 'logistics' and stuff and thinks he might just not like movies, but every once in a while he will find a movie like 'The Holdovers', get so engrossed in it he will watch another 100 movies trying to find one with similar 'movie magic' where he's loving the movie too much to complain about anything.

Richie loves his complaining though so he makes Eddie watch bad b-movies with him and watches Eddie complain more than the movie itself (Richie loves his husband). Eddie will say that "He doesn't want to watch another shitty movie again" as he sits down on the couch  because he does enjoy complaining about movies that are made to be complained about (Eddie also loves his husband).

When asked his fav director he says it's Spielberg, he has only seen 'Jurassic Park' but he did like it. He finally watches the godfather, it's okay. He likes the 2nd one better.

Stan is a documentary guy, he has also watched so many of them that he started to be very pretentious critical about their quality. He is also someone who from like 15 years of age said that he only likes movies when they are "realistic". (He does have a couple of guilty favourites that are not "realistic". Nobody but Patty knows, even then everybody accuses him of this which he denies) Aside from documentaries, he mostly like biopics (if they are good) some dramas (if they are good) and 3 hour epics (if they are good). His fav director is probably Scorsese. Patty says Stan's fav movie is 'Goncharov', Stan does not get the joke.

Mike has at least 1 Ghibli movie in his top4 although he watched almost all of them. He is also an old movie lover, most of the movies he has watched are like from the 50s, 60s, 70s. His favourite genre is mystery, he has a list ranking all of the murder mysteries he has watched. He doesn't watch a lot of recent movies when he is not watching with the losers, he does however occasionally watch some feel-good movies from the 2000s and 2010s. He also watches some documentaries although Stan calls him a fake documentary fan because "Most of what you watch are just the unhinged ramblings of conspiracy theorists disguised in a documentary shaped trenchcoat". His favourite recent movie is 'Nope'.

Bev has watched a lot of sapphic movies, there is something appealing about them to her (which could mean nothing). The "good for her movies" are very hit or miss for her. Sometimes it's a fun time and sometimes she turns the movie off halfway through and watches a feel-good movie with Ben instead. She is a lynchian girl, those movies speak to her. Her favourite superhero movies are the spider-verse movies. She does also enjoy a good chick flick once in a while although Ben enjoys them more. She is also the only person who likes shitting on shitty movies with Richie and Eddie

Ben loves musicals and romcoms. He likes sappy movies and sings in the shower. Ben is a Disney/Pixar guy, he cries a lot during most movies but especially these ones. He loves the 'High School Musical' movies despite being like 30 when he first watched them. He is a Wes Anderson guy, his style and the colouring of his movies are very pleasing to him (Also the sets, he loves Anderson movies' sets). He and Bev watched the 'Twilight' movies as a joke and then got way to into them, now they rewatch these dramadies every year.

Also they all went to Barbenheimer together, here is their favourite of the two

Patty - Oppenheimer (liked both but OP was just better)

Stan - Oppenheimer (liked Barbie too, he won't admit it though)

Bill - Oppenheimer (lying)

Audra - Oppenheimer (did not like Barbie, they cut the scene she was in)

Richie - Barbie (he would not stop singing I'm Just Ken)

Eddie - Oppenheimer (liked/disliked them equally chose OP because Richie would not stop singing I'm Just Ken)

Mike - Oppenheimer (liked both but come on guys OP is just better)

Ben - Barbie (he is a Gerwig guy, he also fell asleep during OP)

Bev - Barbie (she often joined in on singing I'm Just Ken with Richie)

[beardedmrbean]

Ah the rumors are true (and these gaming companies coordinate)

https://x.com/xbox/status/1785308276063633588?s=46

I already figured out given last year Xbox revealed Star Wars outlaws and next day we had a gameplay reveal at the Ubi forward

Remember that leak AC red menu I sent? Well that was taken down to copyright, but I think that was a Xbox not a Ubi move.

Because the leak show the build being April third and most press conference game builds are usually a few months old as they are the most stable

So I heard original red would have it reveal in May 31st…hmmm if that still true

May 31st- a press event where we get a pre render cgi trailer, proper Yasuke and Naoe reveal, details, in game screenshots. And title reveal

June 9th- Xbox will have a gameplay demo showing off the capabilities of Xbox (and if Xbox bribed them enough. Ac red will be the first day one ac game on gamepass as the last three ac rpgs on it)

June 10th- a story trailer and “bts” video where they show how yes finally we are going to Japan and their ideas and inspirations for it

With probably the nice explanation why Yasuke was chose for the second playable character

Because people want red to be reveal at Ubisoft forward…but people need to digested Yasuke at first

Like my theory craft on how to use Yasuke in a what if continuation is interesting…but modern writers are not exactly smart.

Also there a fundamental difference between my black teen dad Jrpg idea vs writers who have critical theory plaguing their minds

Not to mention they think having more non whites will bring black people into fantasy games.

When the last time they went to the cookout? The vast majority of casual players only enjoy playing Cod, GTA, tekken and other fighting games, and the occasional license hero game

Okay okay fornite

Like here my pitch

Hey casual black gamers (who barely desire to play Normie games. WHAT I still deal with it) you remember Afro samurai? Well here a game where you play as the weapon bearer Yasuke in this game Assassin Creed Shadows (that is what some people saying the game is going called) where you help a secret ancient order unify Japan. And there more it’s a RPG where you can spend over 100 hours into and explore the beautiful recreation of feudal Japan!

Warning your dumbass might become a pseudo historian and desire more knowledge

(Or you might be interested in more ac games. Hmm here an Egypt one! Now might give you more! HEHEHEHE)

And noting bad wait- okay probably will be 70 dollars…..oh great a season and battle pass!….wdym online only?!

Ubi you now got 5-6 months to reform red market system (most ac game comes out on October or November) because you seen how your own game skulls and bones and SS kills JL flopped

Ugh why I had to be born during the hard times of gaming?

Maybe in May I get more leaks

Also college educated students, people do like organic diversity.

But white people don’t like the demonization of themselves from people who make more money they do in their lifetimes

Seriously what the fuck is the culture in California and New York where it socially acceptable to treat white people like fictional characters

June 10th- a story trailer and “bts” video where they show how yes finally we are going to Japan and their ideas and inspirations for it With probably the nice explanation why Yasuke was chose for the second playable character.

This all was the official timeline then, nice of them to post it, probably gonna be a few more leaks tho

Like my theory craft on how to use Yasuke in a what if continuation is interesting…but modern writers are not exactly smart. Also there a fundamental difference between my black teen dad Jrpg idea vs writers who have critical theory plaguing their minds Not to mention they think having more non whites will bring black people into fantasy games.

They need to stop with all the tokesism crap, even a MC can be a token if it's all just stereotypical nonsense. Then again certain parts of the audience that's all they want.

Gay guys need to be flaming, lesbians are lipstick or mega dyke, Latinos are gardners, and black people are thugs or you're doing it wrong.

If Yasuke breaks into a Undercover Brother type monolouge at some point I would laugh and cry.

When the last time they went to the cookout? The vast majority of casual players only enjoy playing Cod, GTA, tekken and other fighting games, and the occasional license hero game.

Oh I miss the cookouts, had a few friends that would invite me to different ones, damn fine food. Sometimes I acted extra white just to be funny too.

Prev and Warning your dumbass might become a pseudo historian and desire more knowledge (Or you might be interested in more ac games. Hmm here an Egypt one! Now might give you more! HEHEHEHE)

I like it, I also like tricking people into learning, makes things fun and interesting.

And noting bad wait- okay probably will be 70 dollars…..oh great a season and battle pass!….wdym online only?!

Grrrrrr

Ugh why I had to be born during the hard times of gaming? Maybe in May I get more leaks Also college educated students, people do like organic diversity.

There really was a golden age for it, late late 90's till the 10's when things all started to go online, get really good complete games and y you could hit up gameFAQ's if you needed help with something (used to have to know someone who knew or call the Nintendo Power hotline at $1.99 a min if you were stuck.

Think most college educated people like that too, it's just the loud ones that are the issue.

Seriously what the fuck is the culture in California and New York where it socially acceptable to treat white people like fictional characters

Speaking as a Californian let me say, fuck those guys doing that.

this is more like it

[unpassive-viewer]

Hi Barbie!

Saw Barbie this week, as everyone else probably did as well. Seeing everyone in hot pink was very wholesome.

The movie itself was... a lot. Not something I'd watch without the fanfare. Two hours of staring at hot pink was overwhelming, to say the least. It was definitely something I had to digest afterwards - it was like a two hour fever dream. The best thing I can liken it to was a very long SNL skit with incredible acting. Seriously, the actors in this film were pulling all the stops. Kate McKinnon in particular was great as Weird Barbie. Onto the review ~

The good:

The acting, obviously. Ryan Gosling was giving "Brad Pitt cameoing in Deadpool for the price of a coffee" - the man was LIVING. Absolutely setting the theatre kid in him free. Margot Robbie's crying scene was very real and emotional, I almost forgot I was watching a movie about a toy. America Ferrera is a goddess, I think she was perfect for her role.

The set design and costumes. Oh my goodness was the whole movie so fun. I might get crucified for this, but in terms of matching the whole set, this film reminds me of the 2003 Cat in the Hat. Unhinged and yet very well assembled.

The cinematography. The film was incredibly well shot. I loved the transition montages going between Barbieland and the real world, they were very different. I also liked the wide shots of Barbie, especially at the end. Also, as Alan from CinemaTherapy will tell you, the most versatile tool a director and actor have are close up shots of the actor. This movie employed that tactic expertly.

The comedy. Really well written, and clearly very often improvised. I felt like it drew a good balance.

The less good:

The pacing. While the monologues were amazing, I didn't feel like the movie gave viewers time to root for any of their characters... except Ken. I would have liked if we got more time with the humans beyond the car chase scene. I simply did not feel there was enough character development. Ken is... well, he's just Ken. He's simple and funny. I think I would like Stereotypical Barbie's narrative more with a second watch, it was just a lot to process on a 70 foot screen.

The theme. Do not get mad at me for this, please. I spent a lot of the film trying to figure out who the target audience of this film is, because all of the feminist overtones were so... obvious? America Ferrera's monologue in particular. Women already know all of what she said - it is born into us and moulded for our entire lives. And the part where the Mattel CEO tells Barbie to get back in the box... that felt like low hanging fruit. Was the purpose to make women feel seen, or was it an attempt to communicate something to a non-woman audience? Because that demographic has been touch and go with this whole production. It was a fun way to see it articulated, but I am still confused. Especially since Greta Gerwig's other films also touch on remarkably similar topics already. Who is this for?

Overall I think the societal reaction to this film has been more dramatic than anything contained in the movie itself. It does not make egregious statements - if anything it's a bit of a dumbed-down feminist message. Even the lyrics to the music makes is as easy as possible to comprehend the message that's being delivered. Greta Gerwig is not doing subliminal messaging, she wanted the whole audience to know EXACTLY what she was communicating... and somehow so many people still missed the point.

However, it has really seemed like the perfect storm in terms of timing and marketing reach. The fact that a message like this would get this big right now in the wake of all that is happening to women in the world - specifically the western world where this will be the most popular - is kind of incredible. I feel like Greta Gerwig is executing a Taylor Swift-level master plan.

Honestly, the most insane part of this to me is seeing all of the men who have complaints that Ken was "dumbed down" and cries of "not all men" as if there is not an obviously unproblematic man represented in the film. If you align yourself with Ken and not Alan... buddy do I have some news for you. But all of those arguments have been made already, so I will leave it at that.

Basically, go see Barbie. It's fun, it's a good balance of comedy and gut-wrenching grief for your girlhood and for your sisters, and the cult activity of everyone wearing pink to the theatre is like... my favourite thing. This was my Star Wars, people committed to the bit.

As a final thought I'd like to thank the guy who was sitting behind me in the theatre who was crying laughing at all the jokes, I think you brought me back to life with that.

[the-firebird69]

Derek Lunsford Wins The 2023 Mr. Olympia | GI News

I noticed a few things I'm a lot bigger working out and I pumped up and stuff and I looked and I wasn't very big but I've been proportion I don't know where the hell the muscle mass went and tried to poke up and stuff you know this place is weird he's sitting there the same size the whole time okay big and small and big and small really different probably a hundred pounds and I lost 70 lb before competition have to cut down he really wasn't fat I don't know what the hell happened I was eating too like a horse and digestion gets weird when you start to get hungry he says it's getting weird for him a little when he's hungry I noticed that too it says his poops are huge and just pooped like three times one day and said I ate normally get a little nervous about this place we're testing the water and it looks normal and the food looks normal it says it might be the air and I guess that would be me and the crabs are far away but still it might be something weird like that then exhaling chemicals come out strange chemicals okay I'm wondering. Phosphate levels are high and that's one of the biggest problems these chemicals come from the crabs are just nasty and they are causing people problems and works might be one of them it affects the skin and we can't get air I mean this is a disaster waiting to happen and the ship is not helping at all he said the problem will go away if the ship wasn't there even the crap in the water but this crap in the water bugs in the aquifer and you can see it even in purified water is a little and you might have be a mutants so it might be affecting our friend here it is hormones I mean this is a weird place it's like the Galapagos and I was only about 5 ft 9 in competition people are laughing I was about 280 and they're saying if he bolt up he'd be your size and I started saying shut up. You get tested when I'm real small testy when I'm real small and for crying out loud is testosterone we have to chart I guess it has been for a long time but really this place is really sick if you add it all up it's horrible they were fighting each other we have a huge fight to go we need motivation some of these Stone ships up I mean everyone's taking them back and forth we're going to publish but I'm saying that we have to stop the sickness I said tomorrow might stop in those craps might come out the crabs Tommy f

[rainbowstrashpile]

It’s a Terrible Habit preview

For some reason my nightmare brain decided to recap the whole fucking show but people are enjoying it so I’m gonna keep doing it. Anyway, here’s a preview of the Celeste episode.

He is still digesting the Guillermo killing Carol thing when fucking Benji Everet shows up. To his credit Benji isn’t like, the worst or anything. They had had some good times together in the 70’s. Lots of boogieing the nights away while Benji looked for virgins. But you can only keep a familiar alive so long before they start asking when you’re going to turn them. And, well, he just didn’t see himself wanting to spend that much time with Benji. He was like the guy you talk to at work because he’s friendly but you don’t think about him when you go home to your real friends. Besides, it sounds like he had had a wonderful life after Nandor ditched him. He has a wife and children! Who still talk to him! What the fuck would he want to be a vampire for if he has that? 

Perhaps the worst part is that the whole time he’s going on and on about how much fun he’s had or whatever, he can see Guillermo’s expression swiftly turn sour and he just knows there is going to be a lot of talking between them later about this. According to his unwanted guest he’s already had Guillermo as a familiar one year more than he’d had Benji. And as wheedly and whiny as Guillermo can be sometimes he’s admittedly very very good at his job, not like he would ever tell Guillermo that and let him get all big headed about it. 

In retrospect, maybe it had been a mistake to leave Benji to Guillermo. It’s probably what put terrible ideas in his silly little bumblebee brain. Benji finds his way to Nandor’s room, and contents himself by nattering on and on about what it will be like when he’s a vampire too, and Nandor is doing his best to ignore him, polishing one of his many daggers and hoping he will shut up and go away. Thankfully, Guillermo comes to his rescue and asks for a private audience. He’s more than happy to grant it, especially if it means getting Benji the fuck away from him for five fucking minutes.

It is not the reprieve he was hoping for. Benji is truly a terrible influence on poor Guillermo, because he manages to back Nandor into a corner. His terse little mouth asks the dreaded when will you make me a vampire question. When Nandor snaps his customary “I told you before we will talk about it later!” Guillermo doesn’t do that thing where he bows his head full of lovely warm curls and scurries off, big doe eyes watery in a way that make Nandor feel some slimy feeling he would rather not think about. Instead, Guillermo says he has a better off. 

He is posturing. Speaking the bullshit to try and goad Nandor into bending to his will. There is no better offer because out of all the vampires in New York Nandor treats his familiar the very best, and he is being horribly thankless about it right now! Fine, let him go to this “better offer”. See if Nandor cares at all. He will come groveling back, realizing how great he has had it here in no time! He can already tell by the quavering in Guillermo’s voice that he is regretting his decision. In the meantime, Benji is back and can take over Guillermo’s duties. Benji can do anything Guillermo can do, certainly. And he won’t miss Guillermo’s soft voice or fuzzy sweaters or sweet smells or all the games they play together at all! It’s totally fine! He can go do this “better offer” and Nandor won’t miss him one bit! Everything will be okay-a! And maybe, as Guillermo is storming out of the room, he murmurs that he’s being stupid, hoping it will make Guillermo realize that he is, in fact, being very stupid. It doesn’t work, and Guillermo just…walks away. 

Walks away like they hadn’t spent damn near every waking moment together for the past 11 years! Like he hadn’t held Guillermo’s soft, fragile, delectable human body in his arms with only the utmost care and hadn’t even once taken so much as a nibble! You don’t find that kind of restraint in other vampires, you know! If he gets drained dry back at that stupid Panera Bread or whatever that’s fine! See if Nandor cares!

As the moon rises the next evening, Nandor awaits attendance. But the footsteps that greet him are all wrong. The fingers grasping at the wood of his coffin are clumsy, out of practice with the sticky latch. When the lid finally opens there is no round, smiling face hung above him like the sun. Just fucking human guy Benji. In the following days the idea that perhaps, he had been a bit harsh with Guillermo, begins to solidify in his mind. Guillermo is gone, and with him it seemed he took all of the good things in the house. His sweet, virginal smells no longer tickle Nandor’s nose every time he passes by. His shimmering amber eyes are no longer here to gaze at him softly as gentle, deft hands brush his hair. The steady heartbeat that had been his faithful lullaby now for over a decade is missing, and his slumber suffers for it.   

Benji is certainly no help. His old joints are no longer filled with succulent collagen, and his very limited range of motion is of no use to Nandor. His smell doesn’t remind Nandor of afternoons spent in an orchard at his palace, the singsong voices of his wives and children all around him. Instead he smells like the humans at the end of their life. Like sloppy wet foods and fake teeth glue. It makes him want to gag. And on and on he natters about grand kids and jolf! And fuck, how did a loser like Benji manage to hang on to a wife and kids, to the point he has an intelligent phone full of pictures of them? Fuck this. He needs to find Guillermo.

He’s heard through the ether that there’s a new vampire named Celeste who’s poaching everyone’s familiars. She’s apparently staying in the home of her sire’s while they’re away. In his head, he will burst in just in the nick of time to save Guillermo from being devoured by a coven of significantly less handsome vampires. And Guillermo will be so thankful he will promise to never again leave his side. That he will be a good, obedient familiar for all time and never ever change or make demands or get snippy and shout at him. Unfortunately what happens is…less satisfying. 

As a vampire, he has to be invited in. He knocks, and politely waits to be let in. The person who answers the door is a young woman. She’s lean, with sharp cheekbones and full red lips.  Her midnight black hair is in a modern, stylish bob. And when she smiles Nandor sees sharp little fangs. She must have just fed, because she looks and smells remarkably human. The perks of being freshly turned, perhaps. That aside, she’s definitely the dirty thief who stole his familiar. But he’s not going to get in with that attitude. 

“Er, hello. I was wondering if Guillermo is around?” He asks awkwardly, bobbing his head a bit to see if he can spot Guillermo inside.

“Oh, are you his previous master?” She asks, smiling at him. “Yes. I am Nandor the Relentless. I’m sure he’s mentioned me many times.”

“Oh, probably. But we try not to talk about previous commitments here.” She boldly states, briefly  pressing her hands together as if in prayer.

“Er, okay. I guess. Is it cool if I come and talk to him?” 

She thinks for a moment, glancing back into the loft. “I suppose. But be quick. We've got a lot of furniture to move.” She turns and goes back inside, and begins shouting orders. 

The invisible barrier that kept him out now gone, Nandor steps in. The place is terrible. It’s so fucking white and empty it burns his eyes. Have fun cleaning blood off of any of this shit.

Sorry, that’s all you get. I’m writing it out of order so I don’t even have the Simon part finished. Can’t even guarantee this will be the next chapter. ADHD makes things very hard.

[mmmleckerlecker]

Heart Pangs - Egress (Part 29/70)

Read this story on Wattpad - Read this story on Ao3

Table of Contents - First part - Previous part - Next part

Summary: Lux attempts to exit with Camille, unfortunately there’s just one hold up.

Contents: Lux being charming (but also a little commanding); vore - post-vore, m/f, size difference

Wordcount: 1,921

* * * * * * * * * *

The moment Lenora is out of sight, Lux lets out a long sigh. She suspects him, he knows she does, but it’s too late to turn back. Cecil probably suspects him as well, but Lux doubts he’d be smart enough to figure out the truth. Lenora on the other hand....

Lenora is a Facility worker who shows up on time every day, does her job, and goes home for the night. Nothing more, nothing less. Lux isn’t sure where her allegiances would lie if it ever came down to him or the Facility. Either way, putting her at risk is beyond his intentions. He hopes she doesn’t go digging any deeper or they’ll both be in trouble.

By the time Lux arrives at the main entrance to the Facility, Camille seems to have calmed down. Most likely exhausted herself. If he concentrates, he can feel her breathing, heavy and irregular. She’s either sobbing or hyperventilating. Probably both, but unfortunately there isn’t much Lux can do about that.

Normally, at this point in his work day, he’d go to his office to start digestion. It’s illegal for Facility workers to leave the premises with live prey. He’d always relished the hour or so he had to himself in there. The quiet and the privacy would make up for how quickly he had to digest in order to get home at a decent time (although sometimes if his prey had been a particularly abhorrent criminal, he would spare a little extra time for his stomach to work them over).

Tonight, of course, is different. He can’t go to his office to relax. He can’t let Camille digest. He needs to get her out of the Facility as quickly as possible, alive. That last part will be tricky and have severe consequences if Lux can’t pull it off just right. His plan for getting her past the security check is half-baked and relies mostly on the status and influence he bears.

“Good evening, Lux!” the guard calls with a friendly smile when Lux comes into view of the checkpoint.

The guard is an older Facility worker by the name of Eric Kline, and he always mans the entrance during late night shifts. He’s worked there for decades, possibly longer than Supervisor Bakula himself. The man knows and greets all the other Facility workers by name. As far as Lux knows, Kline has only ever worked security. He doesn’t know what it feels like to be an Extractor or Disposer. But surely, he has to have some idea what it means to hold a prey, what it’s like to digest one.

Lux flashes a grin at the guard. “More like good morning this late into the night.” He laughs and squeezes his abdomen tight, keeping his prey as still as possible.

Kline checks his watch and raises a brow in surprise. “Guess you’re right,” he says.

“It’s easy to lose track of time in here,” Lux reassures him as he steps into the scanner.

“You can say that again.”

The scanner emits a sharp beep and a red light goes off. Kline blinks in surprise.

“Hold up a moment, Lux,” he says, tone suddenly serious. “We’ve picked up an extra heartbeat on you. Your prey’s still alive.”

Lux slowly turns to face him, expression a little sheepish. “I was worried about that,” he admits. “I didn’t give it as much time as I normally do.”

Kline frowns. “Well, you know the rules. You’ll have to wait inside a bit longer.”

Lux’s shoulders drop and he allows a look of irritation to cross his face. “I’ve been working all night,” he says, keeping his words short. He draws himself to his full height, bearing down on the guard. “And the drive home isn’t exactly short. I’m not sure how much energy I’ll have left for driving if I stay much longer.”

Kline shifts uncomfortably. “Of course I don’t want you to be driving home dangerously tired, sir....” Then he clears his throat, “But I’m sure someone of your prestige can be ready to leave in another ten minutes or so.”

Outwardly, Lux smiles at the subtle, if manipulative, compliment. Inwardly, he scowls. For once, his reputation within the Facility is working against him.

He moves closer to the guard and leans in closer to his station. “Listen, Kline, I must admit, it’s actually more than that.”

The guard’s eyes narrow in suspicion.

“This prey I’m holding now?” Lux says, voice smooth. “She’s— she’s different than the others. I’ve been waiting a long time for this day, and I was hoping to enjoy her for longer than just ten more minutes. It’s important to me that she lasts as long as possible. You know what I mean, don’t you?”

Kline doesn’t speak, but the tightening of his lips tell Lux he knows exactly what he means, even if he doesn’t approve. But who is a mere security guard to tell Lux Feuerbach what he should or should not do?

The corners of Lux’s mouth curl upward. “I knew you would. And I also know that you understand I wouldn’t ask this of you unless it was of the utmost importance to me. I’ve never asked this of you before, and I swear I’ll never ask it again.

Lux pauses at the guard’s still uncertain demeanor. “Besides,” he adds, leaning in a bit closer, “you know this is something I’m good for. I’ve held the fastest digestion record for what? Three years now? This isn’t something that will keep me from being clear to work tomorrow.”

“It’s not that I don’t think you’re good for it,” Kline says, his voice sounding smaller than usual. “It’s just I’ve never let anyone through without passing the check before. If Bakula found out...”

Lux interrupts with a biting laugh. He feels Camille brace herself against the sudden movement, followed by an angry jab. Lux only squeezes her more firmly in place.

“You really think I would do something like this if there was even a whisper of a risk for either of us? You think I would risk my entire career over something so trivial?”

The guard shrinks a bit at his words.

Lux’s voice is dangerously low as he speaks, “Bakula isn’t going to find out.” He leans in so that his face is only inches from the guard’s. “Let me through, Kline.”

Kline’s jaw is tight and his spine stiff. For one tense moment, Lux is afraid he’s failed, that the old guard will hold strong and refuse to let him pass. Then Kline throws a fleeting look over Lux’s shoulder towards where he knows a single security camera watches them. With a movement so casual and natural that even Lux barely notices, Kline flicks a switch on the control panel before him.

“Why don’t you try going through again, Lux?” He speaks with a barely concealed anger, masked heavily with politeness.

Lux gives him one last look, searching for mutiny, then eases back. He keeps an eye on Kline as he passes through the scanner again. This time, it doesn’t go off.

“All clear,” Kline announces, words short.

“Thank you,” Lux says, dropping some of his formality. He hopes he hasn’t just made an enemy. He’d always enjoyed Kline’s cheery demeanor at the end of a long night’s work. “I swear to you this will stay between us only. You have nothing to fear.”

The guard’s gaze is hard as he says, “This is a one time only deal.”

“Of course, of course,” Lux insists. “I know what you’re risking for me, and I promise it will not go to waste.”

The look Kline gives him is tired and disappointed. Lux feels a tinge of shame for how he’s manipulated the old man, but he refuses to let it show.

“Just... enjoy your meal, sir,” Kline says. “And have a good night.”

Lux regards him for a moment then nods and says, “You too.”

The relief Lux feels as he walks back to his car is marred somewhat by the anxiety of what he’ll be walking back into tomorrow. He’s left a trail of witnesses to his out-of-character behavior tonight. Though he knows it would be highly unlikely for them to collectively work out the bigger picture, Lux fears for what would become of him if they did.

As he unlocks his car door and lowers himself inside, he pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind. He doesn’t have time for them right now. There’s still so much that must be taken care of tonight.

He moves the driver’s seat back to make room for Camille. Once seated, he leans back and closes his eyes. He lets out a long sigh and carefully runs his fingers over what little of her form he can feel. He wonders how much of his conversations she’s overheard. It’s always impossible to hear anything from a prey inside, but he knows sometimes prey can hear what their consumer is saying if they speak loud enough.

Even as he reclines, still in the silence of his car, Lux can feel how impatient his stomach is to begin breaking down its meal. He’s so full and he’s so tired and Camille fills him up so completely. His exhausted mind ponders idly over how peaceful and good it would feel to simply let go and start digestion. The process is as natural to his body as breathing and right now he’s been holding his breath far too long.

Lux’s eyes flicker open

But he has control, he reminds himself.

He sits up straight and opens up the glove compartment. Resting at the front is a bottle of neutralizers he’d grabbed from the very back of his medicine cabinet that evening. He picks up the bottle and looks it over.

It’s definitely expired. He bought the bottle long ago, at the beginning of his career at the Facility, back when he thought he could still practice safe consuming on his off hours. That hadn’t lasted long.

Lux opens up the bottle and pours a few of the white pills into his palm. He’s not sure how many he should take. Back in college, one had always been enough to tide him over, sometimes two if he knew it was going to be a long night. But now? His stomach is immeasurably more powerful.

Hoping he doesn’t make himself sick, Lux pops five pills. He feels Camille shift as he does so.

He waits impatiently to see if the pills have any effect. After several minutes, that all too familiar deadening sensation creeps its way into his stomach. Lux had forgotten how terrible it feels. However, it’s not as strong as he remembers. There’s the tiniest bit of life still fluttering at the edges of his core. It aches longingly for prey, but it’s so weak, Lux can shut it down with nothing more than a passing thought.

Expired pills or not, Lux is sure Camille will still welcome the relief. Even the ambient acids in his stomach would be severely unpleasant on her already irritated skin. This way, she won’t be suffering so completely and Lux won’t be struggling to hold back digestion.

He shoves the remaining neutralizers back into the glove box and revs up the engine. The hum breaks the silence and re-focuses his mind. He has a long drive ahead of him and that’s just the beginning of the journey. He may as well get started now.

Next part

[thebrownssociety]

Across The Serververse, Chapter 7

Back on the spaceship a debate was brewing. 

“-But all I’m saying is that it makes sense to get Sam!” Penelope said, for about the 5th time. “Then we know we’ve got everyone who was connected with the cartoon network universe!”

“But that’s completely illogical.” Marvin said, bluntly. “Sam, as we know, can take care of himself and is unlikely to cause great harm to himself or others. Sam is also in the ‘Wacky Racers’ universe, which is not unlike our own. Wile.E and Roady however are in the ‘Mad Max’ universe. That’s a completely different ballgame, so to speak, and we should retrieve them first so they can’t cause damage to other people, each other and themselves in that order.”

Bugs sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Why, WHY did he think this would be simple? Just go round the universes and get everyone back. A hard conversation may be needed here and there [he was anticipating one with Daffy, for instance] but on the whole he was certain the others would come back. After all, why wouldn’t they? The entire family was here after all, would they really want to be left behind?

Just as Tweety was yelling that actuawwy GRANNY would be a good idea as she was - and direct quote - ‘owd and fwail’ [which Bugs personally found hilarious as he’d seen frailer cement mixers] the decision was taken out of there hands. 

“Stop!” Pepe yelled at the top of his lungs, seeing he now had everyone’s attention he said, calmly. “Why do we not see what planet we are closest to and retrieve the toons on there, yes? Make it simple, no?”

A thought flashed across Bugs’s mind that if they carried on down that route it meant Fudd would be last, but he shook the thought away like it was an irritating insect. Fudd would be fine, Bugs reasoned, he was more quick-witted and intelligent than people gave him credit for. He would be fine. Fine! Absolutely fine...

Marvin smiled [or at least the others assumed he was smiling. It was a bit hard to tell] and ‘full-speeded ahead’ to Mad Max Universe.

“Be careful!” Pepe yelled as Penelope crashed into him. “You are not on the racing track now, non?”

Marvin - somewhat uncharacteristically - ignored him and just landed the spaceship with a small ‘thud!’ “Well.” The Martian said, as he zeroed in on Wile.E’s and the Roadrunners trackers. “Here we are. The Mad Max universe. There was a pause before Marvin said, with faux brightness. “So, who’s going to volunteer to get our two brothers then?”

It soon transpired that it was Bugs himself who was going to ‘volunteer’ for this no doubt arduous task, what with the rabbit being the fastest amongst them. 

“How do I get meself into dese situations?” Bugs wondered aloud, as he stood in the middle of a dust road looking for any sign of either the road runner or the coyote. Then he saw it. The familiar dust trail of the roadrunner which Bugs knew from previous experience meant he was about five-

-zoom!-

...make that two seconds away. And if the roadrunner was here, that meant the coyote wasn’t that far behind-

-zoom!-

Aaaaaannnnnnnnddddddddddd there he went! Bugs turned tail and ran after him. 

Wile.E, Bugs could hardly fail to notice, looked like an advertisement for leather. Leather coat, leather gloves and a weird looking mask tied across his eyes, making him look like a robber. In one hand he wielded what looked like a extended litter-picker with the end significantly modified so it was [in theory] capable of catching roadrunners. The other hand was clutching the steering wheel of the motorbike he’d presumably ‘borrowed’ from somewhere. 

Bugs ran flat out as he did his best to get level with the coyote, and it was a testament to his abilities and pig-headed determination that he actually managed it. “Wile.E!” Bugs called, loudly in order to ensure he was heard over the noise. “Wile E! It’s me Bugs!”

The coyote looked at him in startled surprise, taking his eyes of the road for literally about two seconds, but that two seconds was all the universe needed for Wile.E to fall flat on his face and go skidding into a rock, which caused a boulder to fall from above onto him, just for good measure.

Bugs winced and slowly sidled up to the rock where the coyotes arm was sticking out from under it. The rabbit waited for his younger brother to come crawling out from under it, probably glaring daggers, but nothing happened. After a few more seconds he got concerned and tried to move the boulder himself. 

Back in Tune World this wouldn’t be a problem. As long as Bugs timed it at either a funny moment, or a moment that made sense within the narration, he’d have been able to do it. But, Bugs realised as he pushed, shoved and yelled curses at the rock, this wasn’t Toon World.

“Beap, beap!”

Bugs let out a shout of surprise and jumped about ten metres in the air, before landing with a thud. He sighed, got up and turned to see the road runner examining the rock critically. Seeing Bugs looking at him, Roadie held up a sign which said. ‘You get one side, I’ll get the other.’

Really, Bugs thought, this might be a good time to get Marvin’s disintegration ray, or maybe the other toons, but he didn’t really have time to argue so he just grabbed the other end of the rock [which was thankfully quite jagged, so easy enough to get a grip onto as opposed to the smooth round boulders that usually fell on Wile.E.] and together he and Roadie lifted the boulder of off the coyote and looked at the crushed noodle-like body beneath it.

Bugs stared silently, trying to digest what had just happened, while the roadrunner donned a black suit and tie and threw a random wreath at the coyote’s still body.

As soon as that wreath made contact with Wile.E’s stomach the coyote ‘rose from the dead’ ala Mushu style saying dramatically. “IIIIII LLLLLLIIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEE!”

He was rewarded for this Oscar-worthy spot of acting by tomatoes being thrown at him by Roadie and Bugs. “Dat’s for quotin’ Disney!” Bugs told him sternly.

Wile.E shrugged. “Don’t blame me, inferior creature, I didn’t write the script.”

They glared at each other and then, going a 180, hugged and laughed joyously. “Oh!” Wile.E exclaimed, as he swung Bugs around. “I’m so glad you’re alive! I would like to say we never gave up hope, but I’m afraid that would be a lie as we’ve thought you were dead for the past few months now.”

Wile.E popped Bugs back on the ground and the rabbit wasted no time shaking himself to get all of the dust and rocks and like out his fur. “Oi’m gonna be hearin’ that for de next few chapters, ain’t I?” He reflected.

In response Wile.E simply pointed. Bugs followed the point and saw Roadie holding up a sign that said. ‘Well, the last time we saw you you were left alone with an angry psycho. So, you know, assumptions were made.”

Bugs grinned and flapped his arms. “Ah, never mind all dat! C’mon, Oi’ve managed to get some of the gang already, we’re all on Marvin’s spaceship! C’mon, follow me brothers!” And with that he dramatically turned heal and started in the direction of the spaceship. [Which wasn’t actually visible from where they were, Bugs having had to go on something of a hunt for his younger brothers.]

He got about ten steps in before realising he was Coyote-and-Roadrunner-less and turned back to see Wile.E standing in the middle of the dust track with his arms folded and his nose in the air, while Roadrunner looked confused and kept looking between the two like he was a spectator at a volleyball match.

Bugs approached his coyote brother carefully and asked. “Eh...what’s up, Wile.E?”

Wile.E scoffed and holding his nose up even higher [if that was possible] said; “I find it interesting, Mr Bunny, that you assume I shall just go with you?”

The rabbit frowned. confused by this question. “...Why wouldn’t ya?” He asked, eventually.

Wile.E scoffed again, as if to say ‘if you don’t know I’m not going to tell you’ and turned his back on the rabbit.

Bugs was now very confused and started pulling apart the conversation they’d just had in his mind to see if there was anything he’d said that would explain the coyote’s behaviour. About ten seconds into this thinking Bugs was gently pushed aside by Roadrunner who held up a sign that said: ‘Leave this to me.’

[Note from Author: The following conversation has been translated into English for ease of reading. Within the universe of the fic, on the other hand, the below conversation was said in roadrunner style beaps from both parties concerned. The author has also tried to keep Roadie’s rhyming style of speech. Whether she’s succeeded or not is a different matter.]

Roadrunner stepped closer to his brother and said, in a kindly tone. 

“Wile.E, my brother,

From one twin to another

Would you be so kind?

Tell me what is on your mind?”

Wile.E took a moment to think about exactly what was bothering him, before saying in a measured manner. “I’m thinking Roadie that...I’m old.”

Roadie’s eyes went wide and Wile.E hurriedly clarified. “Oh, I know what you’re going to say, I’m in my early 70′s, early 70′s is no longer considered ‘old’. Except, factually, it is. Even if you take into consideration the fact that I’m a toon and therefore immortal, I just can’t help wondering...how much longer can I do this?”

His brother looked at him in a manner that suggested he was unsure of what he meant. Clicking his tongue impatiently Wile.E snapped. “For Newton’s sake, do I have to spell it out!? How much longer can I keep throwing myself off of cliffs and under boulders and the like without damage? Even with gadgets like these...” Here he looked down at the custom-made grabber and chuckled. “...Not that we’ve got anything like this back on Tune Town. I mean, look at this!” Here he went into a half-mad description of what exactly the grabber was made of, what it could do and why exactly it was the best thing since sliced bread. Roadrunner waited patiently the whole time this lecture went on, nodding at what he felt were appropriate intervals until, finally, Wile.E finished with: “But what’s the use? I’ll never be able to invent another one.”

Roadrunner frowned and said, rapidly. “But Wile.E, why ever not?

Seeing as you’re a total swot*

Would it not be so very easy,

to build something just as great?

From an engineers point of view,

it should be easy to recreate

And with me by your side

You’ll be sure to hit your stride.” At the end of his little rhyme, Roadie smiled brightly at his twin and waited for the verdict. 

“Because, my fraternal twin brother, I made THIS one via the materials on this planet and seeing as when I step on Marvin’s ship I’m presumably not coming back here then that means I’m somewhat sunk, aren't I? More than usual, I mean.” Wile.E looked at the grabber and lovingly stroked it.  

While he was doing that Roadie thought.  Truth be told he had heard this more than a few times before. Wile.E periodically went through periods where he thought he was reaching the end of his genius, but he usually pulled through. This time he sounded different though. More wistful and melancholy. It concerned Roadie, but he was unsure of what to say and went quiet for a bit trying to think of the right words.

While he was doing that Wile.E’s ginormous brain was ticking, slotting the pieces together as he looked down at the grabber. Really, now he was actually thinking about it instead of running on emotion, the materials the grabber was made with weren't that different to similar materials that could be found on Tune Town. Melt an anvil down, for instance, and simply reshape it...

Wile.E smiled. Oh yes, that would work alright. He was an idiot to have not thought of it before!

Roadrunner saw the familiar smile and, immediately perking up, said rapidly to Bugs. “I think you will be happy to know, we are finally ready to go.”

Bugs made a celebrationary air-grab and grabbing his brothers by the arm and wing respectably pulled them in the direction of the spaceship. Luckily Roadrunners brain was ahead of Bugs’s on this occasional and he had also see where the spaceship was earlier on in the chapter when he’d speeded ahead; so, with his usual catchphrase, he ran under Bugs so the rabbit was forced to cling to him and sped of at about 1000 miles an hour, not wanting to waste any time.

Behind them Wile.E smiled wickedly and activated the grabber which enabled him to swing between boulders [how he managed not to crush himself the author only knows] essentially becoming the coyote version of Tarzan and together they speeded towards the ship

[passionate-reply]

This week on Great Albums: the first hint that Cabaret Voltaire had a future on the dance floor, and weren’t meant to make hissing tape noises forever. Find out how The Crackdown took them from the industrial underground and into the (relative) spotlight. Full transcript below the break!

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! Today, I’m taking a look at Cabaret Voltaire, one of the most important acts in the development of “industrial music” in the late 70s and early 80s. They came up right alongside groups like Throbbing Gristle and Clock DVA, and their earlier work is strident and subversive, full of harsh, hissing textures, and dense compositions that almost dare you to make sense of them. This era of their career came to a head with 1981’s Red Mecca, an album inspired by political turmoil in Western Asia, and often considered their great masterpiece.

Music: “Spread the Virus”

While this earlier work was extremely influential, sowing the seeds of all manner of noise and industrial music to come, Cabaret Voltaire didn’t stick with this sound forever. That’s where their 1983 album The Crackdown comes into the picture. After founding member Chris Watson left the group to pursue a career in sound engineering for television, Cabaret Voltaire were reduced to a duo of Richard H. Kirk and Stephen Mallinder, and on this album, the two of them would push their sound into significantly poppier territory.

Music: “Animation”

Listening to the surprisingly bright synth effects on “Animation,” you can start to see why Cabaret Voltaire are sometimes remembered as more of a New Wave act, in spite of those rough beginnings. Much more focused on digestible hooks and melodies, The Crackdown saw significantly more mainstream success and appeal than anything they had done before. Still, it’s selling this album a bit short to position it as a straight-up pop record. It’s really kind of a transition point between their more avant-garde work and their more dancefloor-oriented output later in the 1980s. “Animation” is definitely a bit of an outlier, sonically speaking, and it’s also a bit buried in the tracklisting, only appearing at the end of the first side. By contrast, the album opens with “24-24.”

Music: “24-24”

“24-24,” and other tracks on The Crackdown, really lay out what I’d consider the “classic” Cabaret Voltaire compositional structure: they center around these repetitive grooves, which are quite funky, and catchy in a dark way, but also somewhat unsatisfying to listen to, never quite resolving like a pop song, but smoldering in the back of your mind. They’re just oppressive, smothering, lingering around like pestilent miasmas, weighing you down like something you’ve got to haul on your back. While a lot of the lyricism of Cabaret Voltaire tracks is pretty inscrutable, I’ve always thought of “24-24” as a representation of the withering grind of working life--where there once was “the old 9-5,” here we have the all-consuming “24-24,” a shift with no room for rest. There’s a similar theme of inescapable, constant pressure on the album’s title track.

Music: “Crackdown”

The title track of The Crackdown is also its closing track, and it’s yet another in the fine tradition of closing tracks that get to bask in a substantive runtime and spin an almost cinematic narrative. While “24-24” wears the listener down with its cyclical, repetitive, hamster-wheel structure, the title track is jumpy and uneven, giving it an unpredictable quality. Its theme appears to be that of the surveillance state, and the stress of living in a world of tension and paranoia, where the punishment of the titular “crackdown” could be lurking around any corner. Not only are individuals watched from above, by the force of authority, but also by each other, among themselves, enforcing conformity by ratting out their peers. But perhaps the most effective take the album has on that “oppressive” song structure is “Just Fascination.”

Music: “Just Fascination”

While tracks like “24-24” and the title track pit individuals against the larger mechanisms of society, “Just Fascination” translates that sense of struggle to something completely internal, portraying a battle between the superego and the id. The “private fascination” described by the song could be deviant sexual urges, morbid curiosity, or, really, any sort of vaguely heretical thoughtcrime you can think of. It’s pointing to a universal experience of nagging thoughts that hunt you down and refuse to leave your mind, and I think that deep relatability gives it a lot of power.

On the cover of The Crackdown, we see Kirk and Mallinder portrayed as photographers, and their lens is turned, quite defiantly, to look at *us.* This image plays with the roles of the observer and the observed, giving us a vision of artists who are not simply here to be seen and serve as entertainment, but rather choose to gaze back. When combined with the title, “The Crackdown,” and the theme of surveillance, one can read the tripod-mounted camera as an icon of the Panopticon, the classic symbol of authority’s watchful eye. The image appears both off-center, and washed over in lurid, unnatural colours, reminiscent of a photographer’s colour test printing. This effect adds a lot of general visual interest to the cover, and makes it stand out quite a bit more than it would otherwise, but it also casts Cabaret Voltaire back into the role of being observed, as the subject of photography themselves. It also hints at the way mechanical reproduction can fail, or be inadequate--the world doesn’t really appear in this colour palette, after all. Or at least not to human eyes.

Another bit of symbolism on this cover I find quite interesting is the compass, which appears on the right-hand side. While the compass visually rhymes with the tripod, it’s worth noting that it also has a long history as a symbol of God as the creator and architect of the universe, and divine order and symmetry. It’s also sometimes invoked as a representation of the need for proper conduct, and staying within the rules of good behaviour. Because of these associations, compass imagery has often been used by various ritual societies, most notably the Freemasons. Cabaret Voltaire’s usage of this symbol is probably as subversive and tongue-in-cheek as their use of the “all-seeing eye” of the camera.

Earlier, I mentioned that The Crackdown serves as a transition point for Cabaret Voltaire, and that their later works would see them push further into making dance music. If you’re in the market for more of that, and this album is still a bit rough around the edges for your taste, I’d recommend their 1984 follow-up, Micro-Phonies. Featuring tracks like their arguable greatest hit, “Sensoria,” Micro-Phonies puts more emphasis on that bouncy, funky, bass-heavy groove, and in many cases starts pushing closer to something like verse/chorus structure.

Music: “Sensoria”

My favourite track on The Crackdown is “Talking Time.” Between its whispering hook, “don’t touch,” a sample asking us to wait “five minutes,” and the fact that it ends in another sample that’s apparently clipped off mid-word, “Talking Time” really feels like a track that’s aware of the fact that it’s dragging us along as listeners, and toying with our expectations. It also has one of the bounciest synth sequences anywhere on the album, surprisingly enough. That’s all for today--thanks for listening!

Music: “Talking Time”

[runabout-river]

My personal take on the Clarke family:

They were a happy adopted family till the parents had to deal with economic anxiety brought on by the impeding closing of the factory James worked in.

Though it might be more true to say that they were a happy family despite being adopted, and that the adoptions still played a big part of their upbringing and wasn't just a funny story to tell every Christmas.

I can't tell much about American families who adopted children in the 50's to 70's but I'm sure that it wasn't easy to navigate that in a social environment, especially not in a small town.

The Clarke children might have been the only adopted children in Little Hope and probably everybody could guess what the most likely cause for that was. (Obviously James and Anne couldn't get children of their own but the reason why the children were up for adoption might have been that they were born out of wedlock to young mothers. A not so nice backstory to have during that time period) So I can imagine bullying on that front.

(HC: Bullying might have been especially bad for Tanya with a foreign sounding name and no known birth parents. I can easily see her having to fight for recognition and that she might even date someone with a similar background e.g. Vince who might not have had the best start in life too. That would feed into her desire to leave Little Hope behind as seen in her diary.)

I think the reason why James was so quick to call out their family (which comes off as a little cruel) was because discussions of "family" where common to have in the Clarke household. But for most of their life it was not in a negative sense, instead in a positive "we're adopted, but we're still a family" sense.

The tragic thing here would be that they apparently never reached, or you know, locked in, their happy and inseparable family status.

That's why the father of the household could so easily turn on his adopted children despite his actual problem, economic anxiety, not even remotely being related to them. He basically imports his anger about their future and puts them on the problems his daughter has. He thinks that Megan (and maybe even the others) wouldn't even have problems of any kind in school and in their daily life "if they were his real children". That assumption is absolute bullshit but people want to believe in easy solutions for their problems, and James, stressed and drunk, completely ignores the fact that biological children would have had similar or completely different problems of their own.

The way Anthony reacts to James talking about their "family" it seems to me that that was a frequent topic of discussion for them, but it's more recent that their father attributed negativity to it. Which Anthony most likely explained away with his drinking problem, not really understanding the root cause of said drinking problem in the first place.

(Which is why the very first thing we here of John, and the other hallucination overall, is how he stayed sober for 3 months. Because James' drinking problem as the cause for his bad mood and general bitchiness was the digestible thing that Anthony could easily understand and blame on back then. Even though it was just a symptom of their actual problems. What if Anthony had been plagued with what if's of that night where his father wasn't drunkenly sleeping on the couch? What if an awake James could've saved everyone?)

Had the Clarkes not died in the fire, their lifes would've turned bad anyway, at least for a little while. Anne would've finally been hit with the reality of her husband losing his job. James would've had to deal with the fact that for years he let his frustration about the factory closing out on his family causing unnecessary friction for everyone.

Tanya might have chosen that time to finally start a life with Vince and getting away from Little Hope. Dennis and Anthony would've had to start working too to help the family get by. Unfortunately, Megan's situation with Reverend Carson would've turned for the worse before getting better, at least till the Clarkes were forced to move away.

If we take the comic as supplementary canon to the game, then it becomes quite sad that Anthony didn't get the good ending. Instead he still has the demons of the past haunt him to this very day. He could never put his family to rest.

(This analysis was first made for the the Little Hope Discord channel, if someone is interested in joining in)

[drferox]

Here’s the latest update on the whole Grain Free diets and Heart Disease thing that’s going on.

For those not following the issue - there has been a spike in cases of Dilated CardioMyopathy (abbreviated to DCM, a type of heart disease affecting the muscle of the heart) in the USA noted in particular among dogs fed a grain free diet.

(Picture from Richard Wooley’s explanation, which is very easy to read for pet owners so I recommend you start there)

Dilated Cardiomyopathy results in heart muscle that’s just weak and flabby, it doesn’t contract properly. And as that’s the number 1 most important job for the heart to do, that’s seriously bad and a lot of these affected dog’s don’t live very long.

There are multiple known causes or risk factors associated with DCM. Genetics is a big one, with large breeds of dogs being most commonly affected. In particular Boxers and Dobermans are notorious for it, but any breed can be affected with a honorable mention for the Cocker Spaniel which develops this condition more commonly than expected for a smaller dog. Cat’s can develop it too, but in cats it was mostly associated with a taurine deficiency. In some purebred dogs (Golden retrievers, Cockers again, some others) there also seems to be a link with taurine and carnatine metabolism, which is why those people that insist vegan diets are great for dogs deserve to have their hot water service break down in the middle of their shower.

There is also a little information on cats.

I’m going to go through all of the graphs, but under the cut as this is a long post.

First, some notes about the FDA investigation. They have been limiting their counted cases to dogs which are definitely confirmed to have DCM with a heart ultrasound. A heart ultrasound is expensive compared to an Xray, so there are likely more cases out there which have been excluded simply because their medical investigations have not been thorough enough or, potentially, because the dogs had acute symptoms and just died. This disease can present with dogs that looked fine one day, and are collapsed or dead the next.

In particular, small breed dogs almost always have mitral valve dysplasia when they present with signs of heart failure, so clients may elect not to have a heart ultrasound done in order to save money on diagnostics to put it towards the actual symptomatic treatment. If this is a nutritional cause, there may be significant under-reporting of cases in small breed dogs.

Time:

This graph shows a significant jump in the number of DCM reports to the FDA in 2018. What happened in 2018? The general public was notified and a call was put out for more reports. Now keep in mind this is 500 or so cases out of 70+ million dogs and cats in the USA, but there is an association loosely mapped. Of particular interest is the FDA reporting cases where multiple unrelated animals in the same household were affected, which suggests something environmental, like nutrition.

Breeds:

The breed breakdown is interesting. Normally I would have expected Boxers and my beloved Dobermans to be high on the list, but this isn’t what we’re seeing. These cases are dominated by Golden Retrievers and Labradors, and mixed breeds are coming in second. Even working in emergency centers I couldn’t tell you when I last saw a mixed breed dog come down with DCM. The report also mentions a maltese, JRT and pomeranian coming down with DCM which is, frankly, bizarre.

But you know what Labradors and Golden Retrievers are quite notorious for? Allergies. So I could see the attraction in putting them on a grain free diet with all the ‘grain allergy’ talk that goes around (Note: Usually not allergic to grain, but to another protein source, and a lot of grain free diets were also limited ingredient and novel protein, which is why they were helpful).

The Diets:

Straight up, most of these cases are being fed all dry food, or majority dry food. I don’t know about the demographics in the USA, but if exclusive dry food feeding is less than 20x more common than other types, then this is significant.

And here’s the dietary components. Grain Free is looking highly suspect there, but so is the presence of peas and lentils. I would expect peas to be more common than lentils based on the diets I see in Australia, but certainly still a concern.

And finally the brands:

Now a confession: Being in Australia, I have no idea what most of those brands are. They’re not reaching us yet. But we also haven’t seen the upswing in DCM cases reported from the USA. 

And interestingly, a comparison of the protein sources from these diets.

Chicken makes sense, because it’s the most commonly fed protein in pet food, with a reputation for being easy to digest. Lamb (well, mutton) is super common in Australia too. Kangaroo had some people freaking out, worried that it might be at fault for a while, but as an Aussie I’m really not worried about that one at all. I’m inclined to think this graph just represents how common the different animal proteins are in the available diets, rather than identifying any in particular as an issue.

I was personally very interested to see whether tuna or other ocean fish showed up with a high frequency in these diets after the Advance Dermocare causing Megaoesophagus issue. We don’t know what caused that one either, and it was less dogs than this, but strongly associated, and the diet got pulled from the market.

Final thoughts:

We still don’t know what’s going on, but for what should be a fairly rare heart disease grain-free diets, and those with a high percentage of peas and legumes, are associated with DCM, including dogs which should not have a genetic predisposition towards it.

It might be the absence of grain

It might be the presence of large amounts of plant protein from peas and legumes

It might be another, unknown, toxic compound contaminating the ingredients

It might be a genetic predisposition made clinical by any of the above

It is probably not a simple nutrient deficiency, as all the tested diets have adequate levels of taurine and other known relevant nutrients.

It might be a relative nutrient deficiency, where a molecule is missing which facilitates the absorption of things like taurine. Or a molecule is present which prevents the absorption of taurine.

The plant proteins look a lot more suspicious than the animal proteins.

It might look like we don’t really know what’s going on here, but now we understand that we don’t really know what’s going on in a lot more detail than we did before.

We likely require a lot of data from healthy dogs being fed these suspicious diets (including blood and DNA) and that requires large scale data collection of the healthy cases as well as the affected ones.

Watch this space.

[theneverendingsoundtrack]

The Glory of Indulgent Music for Sad Saps

A couple weeks ago, John Mayer released this album bluntly titled Sob Rock. Judged by the cover above, I don't think it's too hard to guess what exactly is going on here, with its "dollar-bin-AOR" visual aesthetic. And starting up and turning on the opening track "Last Train Home," it sounds like it too. With its obvious nods to 70s and 80s soft rock styles, as well as his own signature sugary-sweet pop rock, John Mayer is not being subtle here. This is a break-up album, and you're going to feel this. And man, do I feel this.

I recently went through a break-up. A break-up that ended the first relationship I ever had in my life, at the ripe old age of 30. As a result, feelings that most people tend to experience for the first time in their teen years or early twenties, I felt for the first time as a person fully in adulthood. These emotions did not present themselves in a thoughtful, reflective, adult way. They manifested themselves as full-fledged teenage heartbreak. Of course, given I didn't fall into many of the cliche pitfalls of teenage heartbreak, but the feelings were there: direct and immediate.

While more "proper" break-up albums are certainly more poetic, more subtle, more nuanced, and more "artistic," none of them really ended up being what I was looking for to comfort me, whether it be Beck's Sea Change, Joni Mitchell's Blue, or Nick Drake's Pink Moon. I instead, confided in the famous sad-sappery of yacht rock. So when John Mayer comes along and releases an album calling back to several of these styles with the name Sob Rock, I was immediately interested.

I have to say, this album really does deliver for me. Yeah, I realize John Mayer isn't a "cool" musician, and yeah, I realize that there are probably "better" break-up albums out there, but I can't deny when something emotionally resonates with me. Partially, it's probably because this album's messages of heartbreak and hope for new love are laid out in such an obvious, easily digestible, and frankly ridiculous way. As someone who has repressed his emotions all his life and just learning to get in touch with them, Sob Rock delivers that good punch of sadness right where I need it; direct, easily digestible, and emotionally indulgent. Honestly, one of my favorite songs here, "Why You No Love Me" is so direct, indulgent, and ridiculous it just makes me think of that famous "Y U No" Meme.

And yet, I still love the song, not in spite of its ridiculousness, but frankly because of it.

Sure, I could sit here and talk about how this one song sounds like Dire Straits, or Don Henley, or Stephen Bishop if you look at it in a certain way and squint, but those retro call-backs are really more of John Mayer's way of cementing himself in the proud tradition of a “genre” that the guys at the Beyond Yacht Rock podcast dubbed as "Divorce-core:" aging rock stars making their sad sap AOR albums about their strained and failed relationships. And while it can be easy to poke fun at this kind of music, hey man, many of us have been there before, and that emotional resonance, no matter how direct and juvenile it may come across at times, has its value.

Because if/when you find yourself in that spot in life, letting those emotions live and breathe is really the only way to get through hard times of heartbreak. Holding them back only delays the healing process.

[popculturebuffet]

The Legion of Super Heroes Reviews: The Legion of Substitute Heroes or Unsung Heroes

Happy 29th Birthday to Me! Yes it’s my birthday which means it’s time for reflection, griping about getting older and cake. And after an exausting weekend of grappling with a growth, i’m not going to go into anymore detail, I can finally, relax celebrate and get back to reviewing. And since i’ts my big day, that means I decided to dedicate today’s reviews to things that mean a hell of a lot to me and in one way or another shaped me as a person. A self indulgant way to reflect on my past, look to the future and show y’all some stuff I really like. So with that out of the way let’s talk about the Legion of Super Heroes.. and their oddball sub team I love dearly. 

This is also my first chance to talk about DC Comics on my blog. I’m honestly shocked that in the year i’ve been reviewing stuff regularly, the other half of the big two superhero comic publishers hasn’t come up. While I do tend to lean towards marvel, in part because Marvel is simply better at collecting their stuff and putting it on sale more often, it’s still the home of some of my faviorite properties: Justice League International, The Green Lanterns (Minus Hal), Teen Titans, Wonder Woman, Oracle, Batgirl (All of them, particularly Steph and Cass), Young Justice, Supergirl, my personal boy The Martian Manhunter.. the list dosen’t go on by much but it indeed goes on. I”ve been reading dc comics since I was in middle school, and I haven’t stopped since and don’t intend to stop now and maybe in the next year I can get around to tackling some of their awesome cartoons and comics more eh? But yeah among these titans, including the actual titans, are the Legion, one of the most unique and awesome super team concepts in my humble opinon and , even for DC, one of the teams with the most tangled up histories. 

First created in the Silver Age by writer Otto Binder and Artist Al Plastino, The Legion of Superheroes is DC”s first successful teen superhero team, predating the titans by a few years, though I dearly love both wildly diffrent teams. The Legion is defined by their high concept: A thousand years into the future, three super teens from diffrent worlds who happened to be on the same ship with billionare RJ Brande, saved Brande from some goons hired by his crooked buisness partner. 

And exposed him. Inspirired by their courage, heart and skill, Brande latter called the three together to form them into a super team, one inspiried by the legends of teen hero Superboy. 

No not Conner though it was nice to get to show off my poster of him. While he was part of the second continuities legion, we’ll get to that, he’s not the superboy we’re looking for. He is damn great though and it’s good to have you back bud. 

Not Jon either, though I do miss this kid’s pre-bendis version and he was the inspiration.. for another version of the legion. (SIGH). Try. AGAIN IMAGE SEARCH. 

...... 

No not the cool bad boy turned troubled good boy, not the child who was inexpciably aged up by that bald smeghead, and not the great idea turned into a editiorial mouthpiece. I”m talking about THIS superboy. 

This is where the name came from: From the silver age till crisis on infinite earths, Clark Kent was active as a kid in smallville, and thus was Superboy, superman when he was a boy. He dealt with similar stories just with Lana replacing Lois, and Luthor as a ginger teenager. And it was these deeds as a teen hero on his own, one of the first honestly, that inspiried the legion and brande and forged the team. 

And it was naturally a super boy story where they were first introduced as the legion’s founders went back to recruit Superboy after putting him through some trials, and were intended as just one of many silver age one off concepts.. but caught on with the readers so much they were brought back, and had their ranks expanded and eventually not only added supergirl, yes the one your thinking of this time, to their ranks, and yes sometimes she and superboy were in the same place at the same time, Clark willingly had founding member and telepath Saturn Girl put a mental block in his head for any info he’s not supposed to know yet so it’s cool . But yeah not only that but they eventually became their own feature in Adventure Comics, where Superboy’s stories were published, but overtook him in popularity with time.  Over time a number of distinct aspects were established: The roster eventually got as large as 20 plus legionarres, almost all from diffrent worlds, and they eventually set up bilaws. Some are silly and dated such as “Legionarres marrying means they retire” which was eventually done away with in the 70′s, but others were simple logic: each member must have a unique power, no using weapons and such which rather than be super power snobbery is so said tech dosen’t fail and the legion later fully allowed Karate Kid, a martial artist, to join, no killing.. just common sense stuff that adds to it. And one of those is the centerpiece to today’s story, which we’ll get to in a moment.  Obviously given they’ve been around since 1958, there is a LOT more to the Legion’s history I will dig into at a later date: The short version is that Crisis on Infinite Earths, Dc’s first big reboot, fucked the team up badly by retconning superboy out of existance and dc editorial made it worse by shooting down EVERY solution the team came up with to fix the issue. So eventually things got so messy they nuked the whole thing during the event Zero Hour and rebooted fresh with Mark Waid taking the helm and updating the concept for the 90′s and being a more lighthearted, if still not without weight, comic in the sea of 90′s edge. Waid would reboot the team again due to sagging sales, a far weaker reason this time, with a more rebllion slant, the original team would be reinstated, and then ended for a while before recently being rebooted by Brian Micheal Bendis... who sadly is long past his creative prime from books like Ultimate Spider-man and alias and is instead stewing in his own toilet dinner these days and thus it’s not pretty.. well okay art wise i’ts VERY pretty, it’s just story wise it sucks dirty ass in thunder storms. There was also an awesome cartoon that sadly lasted only two seasons that I will DEFINTELY be digging into, especially since unlike x-men evolution, it’s not you know 50 some episodes and me biting off way more than I can chew but a slim 26 that still has fans to this day. I”ll get into ALL OF THIS, some ohter time hopefullly and I mostly outlined it since some of you might be familiar with another version or “Sigh” the reboot and this helps clear things up.  So yeah with all that out of the way we’re going back to the silver age and the first story I ever read of hte team, how I met them with “The Legion of Substitute Heroes” and a later subs story I genuinely love. I first read this story in one dc’s old expensive archives collections I got from the library. Oh how I miss the library. Your probably wondering who the legion of susbstite heroes are.. but since the first story covers that we can jump right in after the break!

So we open with a teen in a parka uniform disembarking from a spaceship from another planet, which a passerby notes is just like the airplanes people used to ride from country to country. 

But we meet our hero, Polar Boy, whose in a winter themed outfit and has come to try out. This is the tradition I was saving for now: The Legion Tryouts. Like a club or sports team would, but I like it because it makes sense: The Legion NEEDS to be as big as it is because while their headquartered on earth, their mission scope is anywhere in the united planets which spans GALAXIES. They could be called on any time and need their full force or need to have severa l members on a smaller mission and frequently having members away on a mission was cleverly used to reduce the cast to whoever was needed for the story. 

So it only makes sense to frequently look for new membbers to help strengthen their ranks... but given their teens and are recurting teens they need to be careful and need a logical way to reduce crowd flow. I mean you saw how many people used to line up for american idol before that died a justified death, people will do anything to be famous and they need to weed out those whose powers and skill just aren’t up to snuff yet, or those who are just dicks as, unsuprisingly, several stories have been built on assholes who applied and were rejected turning evil and attacking.. even though the Legion wasn’t even paticuarlly harsh. They also are more than fair as applicants CAN try again or if they prove themselves in other ways can be let in, as Bouncing Boy, my favoirite legionarre, was intially rejected for his power of .. well...

Yeah.. on paper inflating like a ball and bouncing around is kind of silly. In practice he can ricochet off enemies, walls, and obstacles and is fairly durable in that state. It’s why I don’t really brook mocking the guys power: yes it’s goofy.. but say that again when he hands you his ass. It’s the same with matter eater lad who yes is an actual character: While being able to eat anything is gloriously goofy.. it means he can chew through ANY substance and digest ANYTHING. Hell in the cartoon episode intorducing the subs they used both of these guys to great efffect: Bouncing Boy, who in the cartoon had to try out multiple times in his backstory, encouraged the future subs while Matter Eater Lad got in by EATING A FUCKING BOMB. He also had shades which I dind’t know he was missing but now I do. My point is the process is fair and well thought out and leads to some really fun scenes. 

But yeah joining the legion is naturally Polar Boy’s dream, as he walks down the avenue of heroes, basically a series of statues honoring the legion and hopes all his hard work paid off. We then cut to the auditions, where he apparently waited all night. What I like about this story is that unusually for the silver age legion where it was mostly a sea of powers attached to a bunch of cardboard, really the dc silver age in a nutshell and why marvel broke out so much for having more dynamic and realistic characters, Polar Boy has more of a personality. It’s not MUCH but he’s a dedicated, hard working kid who just wants to join his heroes and seems really in awe of htem, a feeling we can all relate to. We’ve all had people we’ve looked up to, admired, and we’ve all had groups we wanted to join as kids, teens or what have you. And of course.. we all know what it’s like to be rejected by someone or something you badly wanted to be a part of.  And that’s what happens to poor polar boy, who comes from a world with an intense sun thus his people developed super cold powers.. but he can’t control them well so while their impressive, they also freeze the legion. HIs powers are good... but due to their strength and radius he’s also a liablility. They give him an consolation anti-gravity belt.. they had these before eventually compressing them into the much cooler flight rings.. which I still desperatly want one of. I have the flash’s costume ring and a green lantern corps ring, but still no legion ring. 

Naturally this devistates the poor boy and he wonders around dispondent till nightfall, convinced he’ll never be one of them. He soon meets Night Girl, a fellow reject with super strength given to her by her dad’s formula.. but only in darkness as she’s from a world without sunlight. She also faces a “hopeless future” but it’s then Polar Boy’s true strength reveals itself: he decides screw giving up on their dream and if they can’t be in the legion they’ll start their own Legion. 

Though not to compete but to serve as a subtistute, in case the legion is ever incapacitated. So Night Girl gathers the other rejects the next morning. Cleverly one of them, Chlorophyll Kid was seen with Night Girl herslef at the tryouts behind Polar Boy. We soon learn about them and each of their origins: Stone Boy can turn himself into an immobile stone statue, as his world has half a year long nights and thus his people hybernate, Fire Lad who can spit hot fire literally and set anything combustable on fire and Chlorphyll Kid who can make plants grow rapidly. Each were rejected for resonable powers: Stone Boys powers too static, Fire Lad’s is too dangerous and Chorlpyl Kids toos pecific. But upon seeing all of this Polar Boy says they STILL have fantastic powers and still can help people and the legion. 

Thus the Legion of Substittue Heroes is born. And I love them as much as the originals. As a bit of a misfit myself I relate to these guys: They have strange specific powers, got rejected by the big team.. while that trope is nothing new at the time it was unique and even now it’s a nice and inspiring message. Instead of giving up they form their OWN team to do what htey can anyway. They might not be the best like the legion but they can still help and still do what’s right even if not on their scale. It’s a great concept and really makes them endearing. Again I have a thing for the underdogs but I still really like these guys. It’s why it annoys me they got kind of spat on with time: While I love Keith Giffen and Paul Levitz run on the legion, and feel it’s the best of that contnuinty it’s not without fault and the two basically spent a full issue mocking the team and split polar boy off from them before making their own subs with only ONE of the originals. It just felt.. disrspectful. And so far no continuity has used them again until the recent bendis run, which has them announced for the Future Slate special. It took BENDIS, who dosen’t get how to use the team properly and is up his own ass, to bring them back in a new continuity and I find that obnoxious. The subs are a great concept and deserve to be honored as such and as such are one of my favorite superhero teams. 

But their careers don’t start well as they doubt themslves, except for Polar Boy who boisters them along, and constnatly just end up going to missions the legion already has covered and when the legion go to fight some robot ships, they refuse the subs help.. which is fair though, as Brainy puts it they can’t risk putting untrained volunteers in harms way. Their about to just quit, in a really sad moment.. when CK, because I can’t spell cholophill and hate having to use spell check notices some odd seeds spread about.. and when he grows one a horrifying tree man shows up. They struggle with it till the setting son finishes it’s job, meaning Night Girl is at full power and whollops it and the subs spend the night destroying the seeds.  They  find out the next day the seeds came from the same planet as the robot ships, meaning the ships are a distraction for whoevers doing this and since they can’t just call earth, as the full force of the legion is needed with the robots and all it’d do is cause a panic, it’s down to them. Night Girl however is scared.. and I like that. It shows that while their regaining their confidence.. it’s sitll risky. Their a bunch of barely trained fanboys, and girl, going up against an alien invasion, with it down to them. They CAN save the world but it’s alright to be entirely terrified when your thrust into it this fast. 

They make their way to the planet, having built a ship earlier and lie low, finding out what’s going on: The plant men are fully intellegent, and grow themselves..though how they know to attack and go to the bathrom and what not out of the seed I don’t know but I assume it’s a genetic thing or they might be some form of hive mind. point is the seed plan is to grow troops all over the world via rockets for an invasion, and it’s a brilliant concept for one too. Aliens who simply GROW the troops right into battle, born with the knowledge to do so, and right where they can ambush them. It’s down to our heroes and Stone Boy, whose been the most pesemistic, valiantly dives in to provide a distraction so they can destroy the factory and the seeds. Turns out he is useful as the most the treeple have is a space lead pipe.. yes really. I love the silver age. But they’ll bring ray guns soon, so Stone BOy knows it’s a suicide mission and now our heroes have a timer. But luckily.. our heroes are stronger than they think. Night Girl punches a way in till Night passes, while Polar Boy and Flame Lad use their powers in concert to make an opneing.. but with time running out Polar Boy finishes things by having CK grow all the seeds now they have acess.. thus exploding the planets population, destroying several cities from the number of bodies, and thu discourguing the treeple from trying again. Stone boy is able to flee with the rest of our heroes and the day is saved. 

The heroes opt not to tell the public, as to take away glory for the Legion. It’s a noble gesture.. they do DESERVE credit, but they choose not to take it, preferring to let the legion get theres for stil lsaving the world from the robots. They stand firm, now confident they may someday make it to the big leagues.And it’s this that really makes me love them: Thier not the strongest or best, but they try anyway for the reasons a hero should: to help people, and not for the glory. THey remain unsung heroes and are fine with that.  Eventually the Legion WOULD find out about them, but naturally instead of being dickheads about it, fully accepted them, even offering them some contests for membership, but that’s a story for another day. THey’d remain stalwart allies and valuable backup in crisis situations for years to come until the bollocks outlined above. But they’d never leave my heart and thanks to them.. the legion never left either. 

Final Thoughts:  While I do love the story for it’s personal signifigance to me, It’s stilll a really good story for the time. A bit stilted as was the style, but still good, well paced and with an endaring cast of underdogs who prove themselves in the end. It’s something diffrent from the usual clean cut ahead in life wasps these stories usually followed at the time. While the team’s still all white and all that, their outcasts and misfits who just want to help and have trouble beliving in themselves. Their a good standard to live up to.. and a good inspiration for me and my constnatly self hating self doutbing self. And I hope you enjoyed htem too.  If you’d like to comission your own review, just dm me. It’s 5 bucks for individual issues. Later days.