#it is not an easy memory. but it was bothering me that i couldnt remember one detail

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Anyway just had a weird experience called "I have a terrible memory and today I was thinking about an event that happened but I couldn't remember a detail so I went back to my journal entry about it (this event was four years ago, I have an extensive journal for this exact purpose) and turns out there are so many details I forgot, and at this point it's so far gone that i can only read the details and know that it happened, but I can't remember all of it in context, if that makes sense, like I know the general premise of the event but I just have to trust that these details are true the way that I wrote them."

[bakubabes-tatakae]

A/N: I hope you all enjoy part 1/4 of my pieces for day four of the anniversary collab for the @konoblog-simps​. You can find all the lovely pieces for the day here! Today’s theme was song pieces, and its full of angst. My heart broke after this piece. 😩 Izaya just deserves love. I’ll be spanning my four pieces throughout the next couple of hours so stay turned. You can find all the days of the collab here!

For the best experience listen to the song while reading the piece. The song title and artist have the link for he music video. 😊

Pairing: Izaya x fem!Reader

Song Choice: Without Me by Chvse

Warnings: alcohol consumption, angst, violence

Word Count: 1.7k

Izaya had never felt this kind of pain before. This man had been beaten senseless, stabbed, and everything in between, but nothing had ever really hurt him as much as heartbreak did. He had been the one to end things, but that was only because he didn’t want to put you in danger anymore. He didn’t want to be the thing that ended your life. But that didn’t stop the thoughts from roaming his head.

“And I don't want nobody else but you

You the girl in my dreams every night

You the reason that I let the sun come through”

You had been the best thing in his life, but he had let his life come in between that. He hadn’t wanted harm to come to you. But just that had happened. All this dealing with the Yakuza had made them take you hostage. They wanted to make him hurt.

So when he had finally gotten you back from them. When he had finally gotten you settled at home he had left, running away with nothing but a note on your nightstand. He couldnt’ bear to tell you to your face that you were better off without him.

You were in his dreams every night since then. Your face haunted every single thought that he had. He told himself day after day that he had to move on, but he couldn’t do that. He wanted you, nobody else.

His thoughts always went back to the countless mornings that you would wake up and roll over to tell him the same thing every time. “You’re the reason that I open those blinds every morning, Izaya.” You’d smile and climb over him, straddling his lap and pressing soft kisses to his cheek. “You’re the reason that I let the sun come through. You’re my light.”

Those words were on repeat in his head. He reached for the beer bottle on his coffee table and took a sip, tightening his grip around the bottle as he fought back the urge to let a tear loose.

“Girl, I'm sorry for the things that I've done

Always starting shit and put you in a dumb mood

Always pushing you away, but I pushed too hard

Now you're gone, what a dumb move

'Cause you're the person I'mma run to”

Izaya’s work had always gotten in the way of your relationship, but you had tried hard not to let that bother you. He knew how hard you tried to ignore it. That didn’t stop him from feeling horrible about it. He had tried to push you away some, despite how much he always regretted himself for it after. He wanted you to make the decision on your own.

He would get angry when you questioned him about when he was going to spend some time with you. He tried to understand where you came from, but his work was his life and he wanted nothing more than to succeed. He wanted to make a better life for not only himself but for you as well. He had gone about that wrong.

His anger would always put you in horrible moods. And when you had left him the first time he should have left you alone.

When you had finally decided that enough was enough he should have left it at that. But something inside him said that he had to have you back. He just couldn’t let you get away. He loved you too much.

You were always the person that he ran to when he needed help. You were the person that he always leaned on. And now you were gone.

“Look, I understand why you had to leave

'Cause I was treating you so bad, that your family

Could see through the fake smile that you had with me

I wish you didn't go, but also know you had to leave”

Izaya had heard the words that your family always spoke. He heard the conversations on the other line. You had been sure that the phone speaker wasn’t loud enough, but he heard them say that you needed to move on.

You would object to their statements. You always did, but he knew that deep down you would think for a long time about them.

They would say that you always seemed like the feelings you had weren’t real. They called your smiles fake and said that you only did them to fool the family. You only wanted them to think that you were truly happy.

Izaya wished that he hadn’t pushed you away that first time, but he knew that it needed to be done. He understood why you had left, but his heart wanted you to be with him.

“'Cause I was toxic, found a way to talk shit

Accusing you of things you didn't do, I know I'm not shit

So leaving me to better you, is better than the option

To stick around with me, I just hate that I caused it

I hate that I caused it”

Izaya had done nearly everything to push you away the first time. He was toxic. He was rude. He played every game he could think of. Izaya even went as far as accusing you of being unfaithful.

He claimed that you had found yourself in the arms of one of his enemies.

So you chose to leave. You told Izaya that you needed to better yourself. You needed to get away. You weren’t going anywhere or doing anything with your life being with him.

You were beginning to see that sticking around with him was the worst option.

He hated that he made you feel that way, but he couldn’t do anything about how he felt about himself. He hated that he had wanted to put you in that position. But you would have been better off without him.

“'Cause I don't wanna hurt you

But I know I will

And I'm looking for the reason

For the way I feel

I didn't wanna lose you

But if I'm being real

Then you're better off without me”

He could feel himself slipping away from you and that’s when he knew that he needed to do what he did. He knew that eventually he would hurt you worse than he had ever wanted too. Worse than just heartbreak.

But Izaya never truly understood why he felt that way. He didn’t know why he knew that he would hurt you. He just knew.

So in the note that he left you on your nightstand he said “You’re better off without me.”

And it was the worst thing he had ever written in his life. The worst thing he had ever said to someone. And he truly meant it. No one could change his mind. Your life meant more to him than his own.

“I never really fell in love until I met you

'Cause that day out at the cabin, I felt something special

3 a.m, vibing, drinking beer on the couch

Remember? I was scared to even cuddle with you”

Flashbacks of how you met filled his head, another swig from the beer bottle filled his throat. The small feeling of forgetting starting to take over. That’s all he wanted to do. These memories were too painful.

When you had come to the cabin with a couple of friends of his and they had introduced you, he hadn't expected to be obsessed. But he was.

Everyone had gone to sleep, the two of you had been the only ones left in the living room, and he had never been more nervous in his life.

You hadn’t hidden your attraction to him. You made it very obvious in the hours after you had met.

You had looked at the clock as you both drank the last of the beers that were sitting on the small coffee table. Three in the morning. The fire burned in the fireplace and your laughs filled the room.

Izaya couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this way. The last time he had truly felt love.

Izaya had never been as nervous as he was right now. He was normally the tough guy. He had never had a problem showing affection for a woman he liked. But you were different.

You noticed his hesitation and went in yourself. Before you could even stop yourself, your body moved. You straddled his hips and pushed him back into the couch. Your lips pressing together as Izaya placed his hands on your hips. His fear almost instantly watching away.

“My heart's breaking 'cause I love you and I miss you

I'm thinking about the times where I'd cuddle and I'd kiss you

But I understand that I got a lot of issues

I just hope you know that it ain't easy to forget you”

Izaya shook his head, trying to get the memory to leave him. “Fuck.” He grasped the bottle tighter in his hand and down the last swig. “I miss her.”

Before he even realized what was happening the bottle soared from his hand, a scream leaving him at the same time.

A light switched on in the hallway and a figure appeared in the doorway of the living room. Namie had a sleepy, puzzled look on her face as she checked on her boss. “Izaya?”

Izaya rubbed his eyes and gave her a weak smile. “Everything’s fine Namie. Go back to bed.”

She gave him a worried look before turning back to head to her room. She knew better than to push Izaya when he was like this.

“I just-“ His voice was a whisper as he picked up his phone. He didn’t want to say anything else and have Namie come back out.

Izaya opened his messages, his finger instinctively finding your name and typed out a message he had never meant to send. Alcohol made him hit that button and made him throw his phone across the room after.

So when your phone lit up and you opened the message, your heart broke for him.

Izaya 💞 2:36am

I miss you so fucking much.

Taglist: @monic00l​ @strangeinternetwasteland​ @rowley-with-ackerman​ @kyu-pine​ @ellechanwrites​ @bonnisimpparker​ @impinthecloset​ @nikiniki743​

©bakubabes-hatake’s original content, please do not repost/modify without my permission

[castiels-majestic-wings]

HISTORY

Paring - Loki x Reader

Word count - 2,124

Warnings - None

This is my first fanfic so please don't be too harsh, but I would greatly appreciate some of your opinions on how i can improve my writing. Thank you.

It had been three days since you came to Asgard. Thor had offered to take you after hearing that your thesis was on Asgusrdian History. He had explained that the library was full of ancient knowledge. Of course it was mostly in Old Norse, but he showed you the section you would be able to read and understand.

Being an unofficial member of the Avengers came in handy when it came to your University papers. Of course you helped them when the time came but you weren't a true Avenger, you were neither trained in combat nor held any special gifts. But you were a tactician. And a good one at that. You already knew Tony and when he had asked for your help on a mission, you had to accept. Of course school came first but you could never refuse Tony of the help he needed. Especially when his life was on the line. And you helped save his life. On many occasions. He had asked you so move into Stark tower after that. Of course then the Avengers came and you became friends with them all.

Steve was easy to get along with, he didnt understand most of the references you made but he's always there for you. It was easy to tell Natasha anything and everything, her being the only other girl on the team made it easy for you to open up ro her. Bruce was smart, you didn't understand most of the things he said but being around Tony so much made you understand a little more than the others. Clint was a father figure to you. You knew about his family already, so you always went to him for advice Steve couldnt give you. But you never really understood Thor, after all he came from a different realm. And after witnessing first-hand what his brother did in new york you had found it difficult to trust him, thinking if Loki was capable of doing that then the other god could obviously do so much more.

But these past three days have been very helpful, you have been stuck in the Library reading non stop. The history of Asgard was a lot more than you expected. Thousands of years worth of wars, protests, evolution. It wasn't much different from the history on earth. The development was the same. The first war was about taking land and Asgard had claimed it. The second was about beliefs and claiming the opposing opinion was always wrong. The third was about a king who couldnt rule. So the Asgardians fought against him until his son took over the throne and ruled over Asgard better than his father ever did. It intrigued you greatly to find that you weren't that much different.

But it was today that you found out Loki was in Asgard. It scared you of course. After seeing the genocide in New York you never wanted to face him again. But Thor had pleaded about Loki's change of heart, explaining that he wouldnt hurt you or anyone again. He gave his word. So you trusted him. But when Loki entered the Library, you couldnt deny the fear that had crawled its way up your back. He sat down across the room facing you but his eyes were focused on the book in his hands.

Looking at him, seeing him again. It brought back the memories of new york, the way his eyes darkened whdn he found you in Stark tower. Powerless and scared. You heard Tony speaking to you in the earpiece, asking for your next move. But you couldnt speak, Loki had his eyes on you. You knew you had to tell Tony somehow. So when he came close enough you muttered to yourself.

"L-loki." He heard the fear in you voice, saw it in your eyes. And he grinned. He enjoyed placimg fear into peoples hearts. And you despised him. You heard Tony yelling at Thor to try and get eyes on you from outside. You hears the panic in his voice. But Loki didnt do anything to you. He went back to the portal device to talk the professor he had under his control. You told Tony quietly where in the tower you were and that is what gave them the upperhand.

But looking at Loki right now. It shocked you, he looked so peaceful. Like New York never happened. You didnt understand. But Loki felt your gaze om him and looked up, his eyes meeting your own. Your eyes widened and you shot your head down to resume your reading, trying to hide away.

His gaze lingered trying to recall why he recognized you, and when he remembered he felt remorse. You were the only human he didnt try to hurt in New York. He didnt know why he couldn't, maybe it was the look on your face. Or the knowledge that you couldnt move in fear he would do something. He knew you wanted nothing to do with him. He could tell you were struggling to be in the same room as him so he took his book and left to his chambers so he wouldnt bother you. That action put many questions in your head. Why did he leave? Did he recognize me? Was he trying to be kind? You couldnt comprehend his actions, but were thankful none the less.

It had been a week and you had read most of the books you used to help with your thesis but the last one you needed you couldn't understand. It was in English but it was very confusing to you. You knew Thor couldnt help because he had other things to do. And the only people you really spoke to during your time here were the servants who Thor had sent to give you meals and remind you to sleep.

That gave you one more option that you dreaded to even think about. Loki. He obviously loves reading, he came in daily to change his book and left immediately after, and he was Asgardian so he knew the history. But you just didnt want to face him. Your history wasnt a good one. But you knew you needed help. And he was academically smarter than Thor. You knew which room was his, you asked just so you could avoid it. He had avoided you to make you feel safer - or that's what you presumed at least. It was the last bit of information you needed for your paper so you had to do it. The sooner you did, the sooner you could go back home.

So you bravely got up and headed to the side of the palace you avoided at all costs. The layout was almost mirrored so it was easy to get around. Then you found his door. You hesitated for a moment. Contemplating if you should even do this. You hand was balled into a fist ready to knock, before the door opened by itself. You looked up to see Loki's radient blue eyes looking down at you in confusion with a raised brow. You dropped your hand to your side. There was a silence between you before you spoke.

"I need your help." An amused grin appeared on his face his eyes never leaving your own.

"Oh? And what could i possibly help you with that my dear brother cannot" His voice was dripping with sarcasm, obviously amused at your request for assistance.

"I need help learning Asgardian history and no one i know is academically smarter than you. You-you come to the library daily to change your books, so- its obvious you like to read" You were surprised you could form a sentence, let alone two. He broke you away from your thoughts with a chuckle.

"Yes i enjoy reading, it would be a pleasure to help you darling" Darling? The way he said it made your heart skip a beat. Was it the intimating tone? Or the fact he gave you a nickname. You couldnt tell. But for the first time ever you gave him a genuine smile.

"Thank you very much. I left my stuff in the Library, i didnt think you would accept my request." This time it was a lot easier to talk. His eyes weren't as dark as they were that day in New York. They were calmer, at peace. They were bright and full of hidden stories you wanted to read.

"Why would i refuse the request of such a beautiful midgardian" Your breath got stuck in your throat. He complimented the very woman he had frightened years prior. That fear that had been knawing at you for years suddenly disappeared. He felt lile a different person entirely. Thor was right, he has changed. Tony wouldn't believe it though. He would never trust Loki, you knew him well enough to know that. But your opinion of him has completely changed.

"Lets go then, i only have two more days to complete my paper." He nodded and closed his door leading the way even if you already knew where you were going, you didnt mind. You stayed by his side holding a small conversation until you made it to the Library. You sat down and explained what you didnt understand, he simplified the context so I would be able to gather the information I needed. You were just about finished when Thor came to check up on you. He was shocked to see you not just near Loki but speaking to him. He knew of your dislike for him so he didnt know what to do. You were facing the pages of the book so you didn't see him enter. He made his presence known by closing the door he had previously left open. You looked up and smiled as you saw him. You hand automatically gave him a snall wave before returning to your notebook.

"What are you doing here brother?" Thor obviously wanted answers so you didnt give Loki a chance to.

"He's helping me learn about Asgardian history! He simplified it so I was able to understand much better. Plus hes very knowledgeable."

"So you're okay? Being with him after last time i thought-"

"Yeah I mean I hesitated to even ask for help but I'm glad I did. Plus he has some very funny stories fron your childhood too. The stabby snake one is my favourite." You saw Thor's frown deepen knowing that Loki shared embarrassing stories of himself. But he was happy nonetheless. You were able to talk to his brother without the fear if getting hurt.

"How long do until your research is complete? Tony has asked me to escort you home once your done with your studies." You shrugged in response.

"Not long, about two hours or so." A smile made its way to your lips knowing youll be able to go home. But you heart ached at the thought of leaving Loki after befriending him so suddenly.

"But will Loki be able to come with us? He taught me so much about Asgard I want to show him earths history. I can take him to the museum I took you to when you were first curious." Thor was pondering your request to take his brother to the avengers tower alongside you. How would Tony react knowing you feared his brother? Would the rest of the avengers be okay with it.

"Theres a spare room across from mine he could stay in durin his visit. C'mon Thor. Please, its not very often that i get over my fears." You're eyes pleaded to him. Begging for him to say yes. You needed to talk to Loki about the modern literature on earth. You had plenty of books in your own room you could let him borrow. And it seemed like Thor knew he couldnt win this fight.

"Alright, Loki can you escort her home once you're done?" Thor had put every ounce of trust he had into his brother. He knew you weren't capable of combat but he also knew how similar the two of you were.

"Of course brother. I shall take good care if her, you need not worry." And then Thor took his leave. It was a good idea to bring Loki with you. Once you got home Tony was less than pleased at the sight of Loki, he begged you to hate him again and make him leave. But you wouldn't. You had to many things to show him. You had so much in common plus, in the short amount of time that you trusted him, he may have found his way into your heart.

[bondsmagii]

when i was maybe... 14 or 15, at my first high school, one day i had this horrible, horrible feeling that something was wrong. i went to the nurse saying i was having a panic attack, thats how severe it was, but half of me was completely calm and collected and just KNEW something was horribly wrong. it felt like... when youre positive that someone is keeping something heartbreaking from you. so the nurse called my mom to pick me up because i REFUSED to go back to class, and when my mom picked me up i told her about the feeling, and she was silent until we got home. when we got home she sat me down in my room and hugged me and told me that her mom, my grandma, who we were both the closest to, had passed away in her sleep that morning. i hadnt seen my mom at all that day, she was sleeping as usual when i left for school, so theres no way i picked up that something was off from her behavior. i hadnt felt that way since, until april 4th this year. just a few days ago, i got the same exact feeling, and i wrote about it in my diary. i have my diary in front of me, i wrote the words 'i feel like something big is going to happen soon but i dont know what. i dont think itll be a good thing. something just feels off. the last time i felt this way was the day grandma died.' and then i found out that that day my mom had taken my brother to the hospital in secret, saying they were running errands. i didnt talk to my mom all day that day, so i couldnt have picked anything up from her behavior, because she was out of the house with my brother by the time i woke up, which isnt unusual, my brother prefers to shop in the morning when there arent many people about. but back to the main thing: just today my mom finally told me that my brother has extremely severe organ damage, and if he doesnt drastically change his life immediately, he will either die or need a transplant. so yeah. twice in my life ive just Known.

I’ve heard of this happening a lot, and it really does make me wonder on what levels we’re all linked on that we have no idea about. there has to be some kind of connection, because I’ve seen things like this reported so many times. I’ve just Known every time something like this has happened, as has my mother. I have a distinct memory of the morning my great-grandmother died -- while she was sick it wasn’t expected that she would die imminently, but I remember getting dressed that morning and thinking that my limbs felt so heavy, and I felt so unsettled. I caught sight of my mam in the hallway and she also looked very strange, distant and almost jumpy, and we caught one another’s eye and realised we both Knew. ten minutes later I heard my parents talking in their room (this great-grandmother was my father’s grandmother) and my mam was saying gently to my dad, “you know it’s going to be today, right?”. we got the call an hour later.

I’m kind of the unofficial bearer of bad news in that respect: I just Know, and several times people have been too scared to look at me or ask. apparently I have a certain way of looking at a phone when it’s ringing with bad news, so every time I give it The Look, anyone who knows will be looking at me with dread on their face. it would probably be a little depressing if I was more bothered by such things, but I don’t know. I kind of like being the buffer; giving people a bit of a warning. it’s also very easy to break such news to me because I already know, and people don’t have to worry about me being shocked or upset. I’m always very calm, because chances are I’ve known for hours. with my mam I cut out the middle man completely -- last time she called to report a death to me, I picked up and just said “so, [name]’s dead, then?”. there’s absolutely something to this, and it’s truly fascinating.

I hope it doesn’t cause you too much distress. it’s a natural part of being connected to people, and we don’t always understand the things that bind us together. I wish the best for your brother. I don’t pretend to know what’s going on, but certain things seem familiar to some of my own life experience, and I wish him the strength he needs to make those changes.

[violetnotez]

Big Bro Dabi- (PLATONIC) Dabi x Reader

Anonymous: I saw request were opened and i wanted to request a dabi related one. It could be HC or a short story its all up to you, but what about the reader kinda of being a little sister to dabi? (Not by blood ) like she was a villain herself in the league and dabi and her get close and form a close brother sister bond, but after a mission shes left behind and captured by the heros what happens from there is up to you! But i always wanted to see how dabi would be in the role of a big bro

Omg anon this is such a cool idea I read this and I am completely in love with a big brother Dabi!!!

I broke this up into a mini fic, HC, and then the request is at the bottom (cause I may or may not have gone a little overboard with the idea *u*)

Also- this is a completely PLATONIC bother and sister relationship between y/n and Dabi, nothing romantic at all!

(RULES  | MASTERLIST| REQUESTS OPEN!!! :))

-----------

How You Met:

“Don't touch me!” the girl pleaded frantically, her hands and face covered in dirt and soot, her clothes tattered.

Dani stared at her terrified face, confusion riddled in his brows.

She didn’t look scared of him, no-she was scared of herself. Her arms were riddled with cuts and bruises from her quirk-she obviously didn’t have control over it.

A memory flitted into his body, making his body cringe from pain-he remembered when he couldn’t control his quirk, the effects of that permanently set into his skin.

He looked at the girl, empathy he hadn’t felt in a very long time filling his stomach. He crouched down, holding out a scarred hand.

The girl stared at him with shocked, tear stained eyes.

“Didn’t you listen to me?!?” you yelled, panic in your voice, “I said don’t touch me-I’m dangerous!”

“What’s so bad about being dangerous?” Dabi questioned, making you go silent.

“Your quirk isn’t a bad thing,” he continued, “it’s just powerful.”

He gave himself a small minute to think-if you could join the League and control that quirk of yours, you could be a good asset to the team. It was powerful, and even though you didnt have a handle on it right now, didnt mean you couldnt learn how to.

“Come with me,” he commanded gently, “I can help you-you won’t hurt yourself anymore.”

You kept staring at his hand, the purple skin becoming a blur in your tears.

“But I’ll hurt you.”

He chuckled darkly, shaking his head. 

“You won’t-you see how scarred my skin is? That’s because I couldn’t control my quirk either-the scarred skin doesn’t feel sensations all too well. But I learned though, and I'm fine.  And you will too-just take my hand. I promise you’ll be okay.”

You stared at his face, your chest heavily slightly with the comforting thought of being with someone who finally wanted to help you, and who understood what you were going through.

You slowly took his hand, allowing him to help you from the ground.

------------

Big Brother Dabi HC

Nobody knew how overprotective Dabi would be

He’s very good at giving you space, but if he sees any man so much as glance at you

He is going to give them a glare that could kill

It probably can

Pray for the boys that try to flirt or ask you out

You will have to literally restrain Dabi because he will want to char them to a crisp

Is a total dick all the time

Like he will randomly snatch up your phone and hold it up because he is a GIANT and smirk at you as you try and get it back

Will scold you for using cuss words but will use them himself

Hates seeing you cry- he will let you cry in peace first and then come after with your fav food and will listen to what’s wrong

If somebody actually made you cry- Jesus Christ he will find them and hurt them so bad they will have to go to the ER

This man dont play around

You and Toga will most likely be super close like sisters and all three of you will be wrecking havoc

You and Toga have begged Dabi to let you two do his makeup 

Always tells you straight up “Hell no”

Doesn’t mean you won’t put it on his face when he sleeps right?

Almost burnt your face off when he woke up and found himself gliterry eyeliner and lipstick

Asks you for help when he dyes his hair and you have to get a step stool to reach his head

He is so TALLLLL

Is constantly forcing you to train 

He knows you hate it and he isn’t very fond of it either but it’s good bonding time

But he’s just terrified he’ll lose you in battle one day and he can’t even stand the idea of it

------------

FIC: Getting Taken Hostage By the Heroes

“Holy shit-Dabi!” you gasped, pointing at the bodies coming towards you ,the sound of poilce sirens filling the air.

Dabi followed your outstretched finger, seeing why you were so worried- you two had been cornered in a matter of seconds.

“How the hell did they figure out our plan?” Dabi asked as you both broke out in a run, trying to get hidden in the trees of the forest you were currently in.

Shigaraki had split up the League earlier in order to get a better success of the mission- Him and Black Mist would be giving commands, while Toga and Twice actually went in to do the dirty work of the mission. All you and Dabi had to do was keep watch outside, something you both found insignificant and boring. But you didn't expect the police to show up, let alone the Heroes.

“How the hell- am I supposed to know?!” you panted, trying to keep up with Dabi’s pace. “We just need to get out-”

Footsteps were getting louder behind you, shouts of the Heroes trying to follow your path making your heart beat reverently against your rib cage. You didn't want to think about getting caught by the heroes- you knew they couldn't do anything to harm you, it was against their whole moral basis for their profession, but the thought of going on trial and dealing with not being free to do what you wanted made your spine shiver. You would never let somebody control your life- you’d rather die than do that.

Dabi kept on running, the night making it hard to see in front of him. He secretly felt grateful for having such a tall stature, because he was able to run quickly and get some distance with the heroes. You, though, weren't so lucky- he was hoping that you were holding up and able to follow him, even if you had a hard time keeping up. The heroes sounded to be getting closer, and he couldn't help but feel a small jolt of fear: if they caught him or you, you both would be done for, and he couldn't stand the idea of you getting caught-

A scream filled the night air, making his blood run cold.

“DABI!” you shrieked, feeling a rough hand wrap around your arm. One of the heroes had finally caught up to you, using his powerful strength to pull you from running back to Dabi. 

Dabi swiveled around, unable to find you. God damn it- he should have checked to make sure you were right behind him. What the hell was he thinking? Dabi cursed at himself, panic and fury filling in his stomach as he heard his name being screamed again.

He looked at the trees, trying to figure out which opening would lead to you. Why the hell did you have to get caught?

He quickly decided on a direction, going into a sprint as anger began to rise in his stomach. Whoever caught you and was making you that scared was going to fucking pay- nobody hurt the people he loved.

Dabi had begun to regard you like a sister, seeing alot of himself in you: you at first had trouble controlling your quirk, making you feel terrified of yourself and weak. But as he began to train you, he realized he found himself growing to like you: you were snarky, sarcastic as hell, and silly enough to even make him chuckle a little. You were beginning to be something of a little sister to him, and he was willing to do anything to protect you.

“Stop squirming!” the hero commanded, his strength making your arm begin to tingle with pain.

“Go to hell!” you spat back, not caring you were being disrespectful. 

“DABI!” you screamed again, continuing to fight against the hero. You felt trapped, like a prey getting caught by a predator.

You heard another pair of feet run behind you, your heart sinking seeing that they were not Dabi’s but yet another Hero.

“You caught one of them?” the new comer asked, making you shoot daggers into their eyes.

“Yes, but she’s not cooperating,” the other struggled to say as you fought against their grip.

The new Hero looked at your with scorn, your desperate attempts to flee making him frown.

“Maybe some time at the station will make them calm down,” they commented, the other nodding in agreement.

You eyes became wide with fear, your stomach feeling heavy. 

“Your both fucking hilarious, thinking I’m going to go there! Your asses are going to be dead!” you retorted, making them both a little shocked you would so outright cuss them out. 

“I’d watch your mouth-”

“Lets just take her!” the other interrupted his comrade, the latter grunting in distatse as they began to drag you away.

Fear erupted in your stomach as you were unable to get yourself away from the Heroes. You refused to get taken by them- you weren't going without a fight. You began clawing and kicking like an animal, not caring you were most likely hurting the Hero.

“Dabi! DABI!” you screamed out again- he wasnt that far away when you had gotten caught- he was okay right?- he heard you, didnt he?- he couldnt have gotten caught-

The new comer looked back, throwing a confused dirty look at your struggling form. “Who is she even calling to?”

The hero holding onto you stopped abruptly, looking at a figure in front of him.

The other noticed his sudden change, looking over his shoulder to find himself face to face with Dabi, his lazy smirk sending a wave of comfort to envelope your body.

“She’s calling for me,” he answered, his voice steady and strong. “Now, if you let her ago, you two wont get hurt- that bad.”

“You really think we’d give up that easy?! You’re crazy,” the newcomer retorted, taking on a battle stance.

You stared at Dabi, the pain in your arm pulsing as you watched his expression. Fear began to ripple inside you- to anyone who saw Dabi, he looked calm and collected- bored even. But you knew him too well- the clench in his jaw and the fire in his eyes told you he was furious, and when he was furious, he wasnt afraid to kill.

“Alright,” he shrugged, rolling his eyes, “suit yourself.”

Just then, you felt the intense grip on your arm release, the hero cryng out in pain as his arm became painted with his own blood. You looked to your side, hearing the manic giggles of Toga as she hide in the trees, her knives glinting in the moonlight. Twice then tackled the latter Hero, making them curse as they fought with the multitude of clones he created.

A smile enveloped on your face- you were safe. Your friends had your back.

Your vision became to froth with purple and black mist, knowing full well that Kurogiri was close by as your body began to sink into his portal-like quirk. You noticed the others began to do the same, Toga slinking in to her own with a love sink grin with Twice following behind.

Only Dabi didnt step into his own.

 Just before you fully submerged,  you watched Dabi look at the battered heroes with hatred. He raised his scarred hand, your vision turning a dangerous color of fiery blue as he activated his quirk, painting the night icy white.

-----------------

[incorrect-the-foxhole-court]

Northern Road Trip

This is my piece for the AFTG Gift exchange! I went for Andriel coz im a complete Andriel junkie, but i couldnt resist a little Renison on the side XD

This is for @andthenthefirenationattacked​ - I hope you like it! I’m sorry it’s not very good but I tried! (And if you wanna talk or fangirl about aftg at any point, i’m definitely around for that!)

Neil couldn’t remember a time he had felt this safe. Which, he had to admit, made no sense considering his current situation. Despite having family in England, an uncle who had once saved his life, the UK had never been a place that had screamed safety. And yet, here he was, standing in the middle of an endless stretch of rolling green hills that looked like they had been taken from one of Matt’s fantasy novels, and he felt…safe. It was as much a disquieting feeling as hope had once been.

The sky was a bright, forget-me-not blue that, after only five days in the country, he already knew was a rare blessing. Fluffy white clouds scudded across the sky, and the relief that they weren’t even a little grey had been unexpectedly strong when they had woken up this morning. Two cars idled behind him, the engines rumbling softly, and those inside were already betting on the upcoming games outcome and snacking on junk food that Kevin had already tried to throw out four times over.

Neil sucked in a deep breath, feeling the cold air settle in his lungs like shards of ice. Beautiful, this country, but cold. And wet. This was the first day they had been there that it hadn’t rained.

He could hear his old team behind him, laughing and joking, teasing Andrew for their stopping. It hadn’t been Andrew that had wanted to stop, but the goalie knew Neil too well now – had feigned car sickness to cover Neil’s need to see something. To see something other than exy courts and press rooms from the place his mother had come from. The woman had been cold and cruel and protective and beautiful, and standing there now, in the place she had always talked about, in Rivington, he could understand. The people he had met from around here felt like they had been born from the place itself. He could almost feel his mother in the wind’s cold fingers as it raked through his hair and cut straight through his winter coat to chill the blood in his veins.

“Neil! Come on! Andrew says he’s okay to keep going now,” Matt shouted, a grin on his face that was far too smug and pleased to merely be teasing.

Dan smacked him in the ribs as she disappeared around the other side of their hire car and slid into the driver’s seat. And then smacked the wheel in frustration, got out and went round to the passenger side door, grumbling about stupid English cars. Neil tuned out Matt and Allison’s teasing, both of them needling Dan about still not being used to which side of the car to get in, and turned to the other car. Renee smiled at Andrew before going to join the others.

Neil slid into the backseat next to Andrew, Aaron on the goalie’s other side, Kevin up front and Nicky driving. Within thirty minutes of driving, Andrew was asleep, head tipped back against the back of the seat – Neil wasn’t surprised, Andrew had barely slept since the flight, as though he was more scared than Neil that some relative would show up at their hotel. It wasn’t a secret they were in the UK; the whole world had known this is where they would be. The press had been covering the US exy team’s trip to the UK in excruciating detail for weeks. They had already had their games in Glasgow and London, and tomorrow, the last game of Us vs. UK, would take place in Manchester. London had been an easy win for the US Court, Andrew had barely bothered to try. Glasgow had been significantly more difficult. It had taken bribing Andrew to lock down the goal for them to come close to winning – even then it hadn’t been enough; they’d lost by two points.

Tomorrow’s game would decide who would face the Chinese team. And the old team from Palmetto State had come out to show their support as Kevin, Andrew and Neil, played their last UK game of the season, fighting to advance closer to the title of ‘Exy International Champions’. Kevin had been training and planning nonstop. It had taken Andrew’s knives to convince him to have this day off.

“Erm…Neil…?” Nicky asked, voice tight. Neil dragged his eyes away from staring out the window as the North sped by, and met Nicky’s worried eyes in the rear-view mirror. “Satnav is freaking out.”

“Get Andrew to fix it,” Aaron grunted, “he’s the tech wonder boy.”

“Waking Andrew up in a car has never been a good idea,” Nicky warned, no doubt thinking of that time all those years ago.

Neil could feel Aaron’s smirk as the man reached over and tapped his twin on the shoulder closest to Neil. From habit, Neil’s hand was out waiting as Andrew jolted from sleep, one hand instinctively reaching out. Their fingers twined together and held on tight. No elbow in the stomach, no fists flying, not anymore – they had been sleeping in the same bed now for nearly two years; Andrew was too used to being woken by Neil’s nightmares to react violently. Now it was a grasping hand and white knuckled grip, each proving to the other that they are here – that they are safe. On Andrew’s other side, Aaron huffed in frustration and turned his attention back to the steady stream of messages between him and Katelyn.  

“Satnav isn’t working properly,” Neil explained quietly, and Andrew shook off his grip, leaning forward to take it from Kevin.

“Going old school,” Nicky muttered to himself. “Gonna have to use these damn stupid road signs.”

Neil didn’t bother to watch what Andrew was doing to fix the machine – he had learnt a long time ago that when Andrew couldn’t sleep, he and one of the cats curled up on the sofa with an instruction manual of some sort. Andrew couldn’t sleep most nights. By this point, Andrew’s eidetic memory had given him the ability to fix almost anything technological.

It took them another hour and a half to reach the Lake District. They were aiming for a shop that the Northern players on the UK team hadn’t stopped raving about since the team meets had started. By the time they finally arrived, it was raining again.

They parked in a garden centre opposite a tiny little place called ‘The Grasmere Gingerbread Shop’ and stared out through rain-streaked windows. Nicky’s phone started ringing. He took the sat nav out of its holder, tossed it onto Kevin’s lap before balancing his phone in the slot instead. Allison’s face appeared on the screen, and then the rest of the others.

“So, how do we decide who goes out into the rain to get the damn gingerbread we drove for two hours to come and try?” Allison asked and Renee, in the driver’s seat beside her, tucked a few stray blonde curls behind her ear, dragging a smile from the otherwise annoyed face.

“Flip for it?” Nicky suggested.

Matt lost to Renee. Dan lost to Matt. Allison rolled her eyes and picked at a perfectly manicured nail, but called heads when she went up against Dan, only to lose. Storm clouds gathered on her face as she waited for the other car to decide who would flip against her.

Aaron called heads, Allison, tails. Aaron won.

Neil hadn’t heard swearing like that for a long time. He couldn’t help but smile. He had missed them all. He loved being on Court and he loved his team and exy, and playing with Andrew and Kevin, but he had missed being a fox.

Renee went with Allison, smiling as the blonde tried and failed to hide under the trees from the rain. Neil could hear through the cracked window Andrew was smoking through as Allison cursed everyone and everything for her having forgotten an umbrella. Renee just laughed and tugged her in for a kiss. Neil smiled again; it had taken them a long time to realise just how meant for each other they were – but now? Together? They were a sight for sore eyes.

Andrew blew another cloud of smoke past Neil’s face. He couldn’t help the deep inhale as the smoke curled past his nose. Andrew watched, utterly unimpressed – but Neil could read the affection in the stare. Smoke was no longer the reminder of his mother, of the fire, of how it had smelled when her body had burned. Now it was Andrew, it was nights on the roof, the bite of his key in his palm, the feel of a thundering heartbeat beneath his fingertips. Andrew’s knee nudged his, and Neil smiled again.

Allison and Renee got back in the car behind and they drove to Windemere, where they had booked out all the rooms in a little bed and breakfast. The man at the desk was the most English person Neil had ever met. He was the embodiment of every single English stereotype, and Neil couldn’t get away fast enough.

Their rooms were all on the second floor, Dan and Matt disappeared into one room, Allison and Renee into another, Aaron claimed his own room, as did Kevin and Nicky. Nicky was already face timing with Eric before his bedroom door closed. And despite Allison’s usual warning of ‘keep it down’, there were delighted giggles and moans coming from her and Renee’s room.

Neil shook his head, smiling, and followed after Andrew into their room. Andrew was already lighting up next to the window, so Neil dropped the bag by the bottom of the bed and slumped onto the mattress, stripping off his black armbands and dumping them over the edge. He heard Andrew shut the window and the bed dip as he settled nearby. Neil reached a hand up, and Andrew’s fingertips trailed over his bare arms, dipping over every scar and mark.

Neil closed his eyes, even now, years later, most touches on those scars brought back the car lighter, the knife, his father’s axe…

But then Andrew’s lips began tracing every raised bump, slowly washing away the memories one by one, until there was nothing left but the two of them, Andrew’s hands under Neil’s shirt, Andrew’s lips pressed hard to Neil’s, and Neil’s fingers tight in Andrew’s hair.

He didn’t realise how much he needed it until Andrew tugged his t-shirt over his head and slowly but steadily began taking him apart. Neil couldn’t stop the moan that Andrew dragged from deep in his throat as Andrew pushed him harder and faster until Neil’s breathing became ragged and Andrew leaned up to press their lips together as though he could swallow Neil’s hard groans when he fell over the edge. He lay limp and sweating, breathing hard, with Andrew beside him, the man’s expression open and soft in a way he had only seen four times so far.

Neil reached out, “Yes or no?”

Andrew didn’t reply, just pressed his cheek into Neil’s palm and closed his eyes as Neil’s fingers played with the tiny hairs at the nape of Andrew’s neck. He wanted to say something, anything to remind Andrew just how amazing he was – how he always knew what Neil needed, usually before Neil knew himself, how even though Neil had long since learned to stand alone, it felt safe knowing that Andrew was there for him if he needed to lean on someone. But he didn’t have the words.

And he didn’t find them fast enough before Nicky pounded on the bedroom door.

“Come on, lovebirds, Allison ruined her hair to get this gingerbread, and Aaron and I went out for alcohol, come and have a drink and a snack like the old days. But put clothes on first!”

Andrew growled under his breath, but Neil smiled.

“When will he leave me alone?” Andrew said, shaking out his hand and pushing up to sit on the edge of the bed.

“He’s been in Germany with Eric for ten months. He can’t leave you any more alone.”

Andrew just stood and stared down at him a moment. “Come on junkie. Let’s go.”

Neil stood and went to the bathroom, cleaning himself up, before he joined Andrew at the now open door to the bedroom, stood in front of a very irate Kevin.

“We have a game tomorrow. Tomorrow. And they want us to drink and eat and party. Why did they come at all, they’re not playing,” Kevin said, face set; cold and hard.

“Tomorrow will be fine. We’ll win or we’ll lose, but it’ll be fine. Let’s go, it could be fun,” Neil said, shrugging. He’d never felt as safe as he was in that moment and he’d never seen Andrew as relaxed – that was all he needed. All he wanted.

They should take road trips more often.

“Three hundred and seventy-four percent,” Andrew murmured.

Neil didn’t bother to stop the smirk on his face.

----

That’s it! Again, I hope you liked it and I hope it was a good enough gift for you in the exchange! Have a wonderful day!

[wondermentishere]

soooooo...... earlier this month i saw a post about how may is gonna be a tough one for aquariuses in particular. it was predicted that childhood experiences would be a major theme for us... bruh, the prophecy was fulfilled by the 1st of the month. just out right... damn near debilitating insecurity. its my 12h profection year, so in general it was expected, but yo. its been war for weeks now. i dont feel comfortable around my family. ive been disrespected and called weird for communicating my needs. i was emotional about it, but still very kind and gentle. when the conversation was concluding i was still crying. my mom was staring at me intently. everybody was asking whats wrong with me... i couldnt really say. what i did know is that i still did not feel emotionally safe with them. nothing i said was validated or affirmed. everything i brought up, they couldnt remember. its so fucking frustrating to be put through painful experiences that no one remembers except me. its even worse knowing they dont remember cause it didnt matter to them. it was no big deal. but it stuck with me. i couldnt get away from it. i think i cry before tragedy happens. i knew that conversation would fix nothing and i was right. i did my best.

its been easy in the past for me to be tricked into thinking people would change just cause they said they would. i wasnt use to being apologized to, so i accepted and approved of almost anything that i was given. now after being lied to for 2 years straight, ive learned to look for key factors and signals to happen in order to trust people. i was raised in a militant fashion and am surprised now to see how ive adopted it into my own acceptance. i am an emotional perfectionist and am damn near offended when others are not. especially when it comes to conflict. i know my response to trauma is the reason why i stress over how i affect others, but human decency seems to be such a low concern of just about everyone ive had to confront.

im annoyed and dont even feel like typing all of this. but no one cares about my feelings. no one is use to being considerate of me. everyone feels that i am a bother if i am not perfect. im not letting it control me anymore. i try my best and im shitted on. i fight to defend myself and im shamed for demanding respect. they treat me as if i am invisible, but i know im not. i am here, im breathing, im living my life. i seek the Beloved. i look only to them to comfort me now. i have a great desire to live my life. im leaving stillness open as an option. i try my best everyday. i allow myself to feel lonely. i notice my patterns of self abandonment and instead tend to myself in ways i wish others would. im going to love myself. really love myself. honoring my boundaries. allowing my ego to motivate me, but not guide me. Only God can do that. i listening out for my angels. i feel really lonely sometimes. i keep 333 in my memory. i thank my guides for encouraging me. i want to be the best i can be. im shifting what motivates me. im more interested in being a human than i am in being a god. through me, even God can have mysterious revelations.

[wongiemei]

Roommate!Jeno

a/n: maybe i should just turn this blog into an nct dream one

okay

letsgetit!

first of all,

story time!

your uni is fucking expensive and it’s more expensive if you live in the grounds

so you being the wise human,

you went to get an apartment near the campus

it was great and all since roommate!jaemin was paying for his stuff

you were both living respectively until he had to leave

the dumbass didnt even bother to tell you

one morning you just woke up and found his note

‘hey bitch! figured you were too much of a rock to wake up but i moved out! the family wants me to go back home and tend the restaurant’

the whole day yesterday, you were working

bc,,, yknow

broke college life

and you just walked in half asleep towards your room and fell asleep

so you didnt really see or notice

but were you freaking out bc your roommate suddenly moved out?

ofc you were freaking out

not only was your roommate gone,

how were you going to find a new one?!

jaemin expected your phone call that afternoon and he endured through all your screaming

‘babe, i’m just going to be gone for a year-or two’

‘oR tWO?!’

‘hun, my dad’s injured and his back can only let him do so much. ma’s working too much and i dont have any siblings to help. i figured i could just hold off college until my parents are ready’

ugh, jaemin is such a family boy

‘but jaems! you couldnt have at least told me that yOu wERe mOvING OuT?! and! rent is due soon! i can’t pay for that myself!’

jaemin couldve easily told you to warn yoy

but he didn’t want to tell you bc he couldnt handle you sad and didnt want to upset you

however, now jaemin really understands how shitty that move was

‘tell you what. i’ll pay for this month and make a few phone calls and i’ll get you set up with a new roommate, deal?’

knowing how much of a social butterfly he was, you agreed

ofc you trusted jaemin but part of you feared that he might pair you up with a freak

but he’s not that mean, is he?

you can definitely see renjun doing that but not jaemin

so there you are,,

sitting on your couch alone

without jaemin, your apartment felt really empty

its been a few days since he moved and you were miserable

jaemin hasn’t even texted you about that potential roommate

just as you were about to call him,,

your doorbell rang

you froze and you looked at the time

it was nearing 11 at night and you don’t remember ordering delivery

see,,

if jaemin was here,

he would answer it for you since you would be too scared to do it

but you mustered up your courage and peeped through the peep hole

the man was dressed in all black with a black mask and a black cap with his hood over it with a black hoodie and black pants

ngl, you were terrified and trembling

he rang it again and you jumped

typing out a quick text to jaemin saying ‘hey bub, if i don’t text you in an hour, that means ive been kidnapped so call the police’

you grabbed a pan from the cupboard and gulped before you opened the door

thinking he would just walk forward and grab you, you closed your eyes and raised your pan over your head and swung

a shriek from in front of you made your eyes snap open and found the guy on the floor with a fetal position

you both just froze for like a phat minute

snapping back to reality, you held the pan in front of you

‘if youre going to kidnap me, i got a pan and im not afraid to hit you with it!’

you tried to sound intimidating but your voice was shaking so much

the guy stood up and he took off his hat and the mask to reveal a blonde haired kid

okay, so you were sHOokETh

damn! this boy is fine!

he gave you a shaky smile and held out his hand

‘hi! i’m lee jeno! you must be y/n? jaemin told me you had an opening for a roommate?’

now you noticed the two duffle bags at the side

the embaressment and the shame settled in slowly and you found yourself burning up

nodding, you motioned him to come in

jeno awkwardly walked in and was amazed at how big the layout was with the low rent

‘yea, its kinda hard to believe that we only pay that much. at first i thought there was a ghost in here and that’s why its so cheap’

you tried to make small conversation but laughed weirdly at jeno’s slightly terrified face

‘no! there really is not ghost here! ive lived here for a year and there hasnt been anything so please dont understand! please be my roommate!’

you begged and jeno thought you were weird

but jaemin was right, you were weirdly adorable in a way

so that’s how you and jeno became apartment buddies!

now onto the good stuff!

so, jeno is a vv clean guy

like he’s the type to just pick up a wrapper in the street and throw it in the garbage

so naturally, he likes to keep the apartment as tidy and neat as possible

but you being a mess you are,

you usually leave a lot of things everywhere

lets just say you have a short memory

‘oh? how did that get there?’

eventually, jeno gets sick of it and he confronts you with it

ofc you understand and you actually try to be better

since jeno is literally the most perfect roommate

maybe even better than jaemin

(but don’t tell him that)

jeno is the type to re-stock the pantry with snacks and the fridge with ice cream

since youre both college students, ramen is practically always available in the house 24/7

he also makes the coffee every morning since he works early and wakes up first

even though he doesn’t like the drink and prefers milk, he still notices how you survive off of coffee

babie likes to pick you up some iced americano while he gets a frappe

you on the other hand,,

you’re very surprised

when you got to bed after showing jeno around,

you messaged jaemin

ofc he was worried af and was blowing up your phone

‘WHAT?!’

‘bitch answer the damn phone!’

‘whatthe fuck is happening?!’

‘i need to know if you’re still alive!’

‘oh fuck i shouldnt have moved out’

smiling softly at how worried he was, you responded to him

‘you hoe, it hasnt been an hour yet so chillax. i’m alive, unfortunately, and i just met my new roommate. again, thanks for the heads-up. youre so bad at those. i literally thought he was a burgular or a kidnapper. but he seems chill and emo. just my type.’

but jeno is F A R from C H I L L

oh my goodness,,

hes a crackhead

theres this sound he makes when he’s confused and you couldnt figure out if its cute or weird or if he’s doing this on purpose or thats just how he is

you and him basically communicate with memes

sometimes, at the weird hours at night, he sends you a dumbass meme

you cant help but snort 

also, you promised to take jaemin out to dinner to repay him for the great roommate

‘hes literally one of the best people youll ever meet. it just so happen he needed a place to sleep. now you owe me’

hes a science major while you were a computer major

he basically brings home weird stuff to analyze and it just hella stinks

but hes considerate enough to actually put it outside

whenever he’s focused, he talks to himself or the thing he’s analyzing

‘okay mr. fishy. your scales are really big and its bigger than average’

its so cute

oof also!

jeno doesnt have a job yet he always makes rent on time with extra money to spare

he even sometimes buys you stuff saying, ‘they reminded me of you’

for your birthday, he bought you a pearl necklace that mustve costed thousands

at first, you thought he was a chaebol or smth

which you wouldve been vv jealous of bc youre a struggling college student who works at the coffee shop

but, you were answered when you caught him walking in half-dazed and half-asleep with cuts all over his face

it was like 2 in the morning and you were pulling an all-nighter for some project and wanted to get a glass of water

but here he is, hood up, lip busted, black eye, cheek cut

you shrieked and ushered him to sit on the dining chair

thinking he got mugged or something, you start drilling him questions

‘hun, if you were beat up, we need to call the police! this is illegal!’

but jeno chuckles and brushes the stray hairs out of your face as you tend to his lip

‘pls dont. if you do, ill be broke and i wont have money to pay rent then i cant be your roommate anymore’

cue confused y/n

‘wUT?’

‘if i dont make money, youll kick me out and youll have to find another roommate. i dont want you to go through that hassle again’

ofc you were flattered that even during this situation, hes still thinking about you

‘how is this making money?!’

‘i cant believe youre oblivious to so many things. i thought for sure youve caught on.’

more confusion

‘eXCUse mE, lEE JEno? since when have you started coming home with all these things in your face?’

you were worried that this wasnt the first time this happened

but if you think hard about it, thats why he always wears his mouth masks and he always has his blonde fringe down and sometimes wears sunglasses even though its cloudy outside

‘ohmygod lee jeno are you in a gang?!’

jeno was shocked that you came to that conclusion but laughed at how adorable you were rn

with your wide eyes and mouth open

‘nah, bro. i box. its the only way i can make easy money.’

‘but,,, why did you hide this from me? if you needed money i couldve helped you’

he looked at you skeptically

‘sis, you could barely afford that muffin the other day’

lee jeno now looked different from the jeno you met the first day

What you thought to be an innocent little squish was a fighter at night

‘yah, can-um-you need to take this off’

you mumbled while tugging on his sweatshirt

he nodded and slipped it off

he explained why he came late when he first moved

‘i had a late night match and yknow,, school and all, i barely had enough time to come'

as you dab the wound, you try to make small talk to distract yourself

 ‘so,, youve been boxing this whole time?’

you asked, trying not to get distracted to the way his tight shirt clung to him, showing his defined body

there were bruises up and down his arms and his knuckles were busted

‘yea. i have been since senior high. gotta make money, yknow?’

‘but jen, you can work in coffee shops or at local bookstores. its not worth seeing you busted up like this’

your lips trembled at the thought of him being beaten up too hard to the point he gets into a coma

jenos eyes widened at your wobbling lips and he softly cupped your face

‘hey, im okay and ill be fine. you dont have to worry about me. i usually win, anyways’

his confidence made you chuckle

‘i trust you, lee jeno. just make sure to make it home to me every night.’

‘i know you do and i will. always.”

ever since then,

youve become his little caretaker

youve informed jaemin of what hes been doing and he knew but didnt want you to judge him immediately

smh, jaemin really sucks at informing people

but jeno tries to help you keep up

he even sends you texts that hes fighting that night and your little ‘fighting!’ always makes him smile

his manager and friend, chenle, noticed that hes starting to smile more

chenle likes boxing and wants to be a part of it but doesnt want to be hurt

so,, what better to be the manager of his friend

‘yah, hyung. what’s got you giggly today?’

jeno pointed to the screen and giggled at the little good luck gif you sent

his eyes turned to crescents and chenle smirked

‘wah, you like her, don’t you?’

at the mention of ‘like’, his smile dropped and he shook his head

‘no. of course not. shes just a friend.’

chenle being chenle,,

he continues to prod

‘okay. so every night, you make it your priority to make sure you’re home by 2 in the morning for your friend’

smh, chenle youre so annoying

but hes so right

ever since you caught him,

hes been making sure he gets home at the same time 

he sends you a text that hes on his way and you set your ringtone at a very high volume so you wake up and take care of him

during fights, he makes it his sole mission to make out of this alive and a winner for you

but that never crossed his mind as his feelings for you

he just thought of it as making you not worry for him

but then, he starts to think about your stupid little habits

the way you make this face whenever you dont understand

or when you still leave little post-it notes everywhere with ideas you come up with

he noticed it all and he loves them

‘hOLy ShIT!’

that night was when he realized his feelings for you and he was so dedicated on finishing it that he quickly won and he dashed home with his money

bursting through the door, you looked at him with wide and startled eyes

‘what’s wrong?’

you came running but he scooped you up to a hug

ok you were confused but relieved that he was home and alright

jeno looked at your face and wanted to confess but chickened out at the sight of you

you were so good to him and honestly, he doesnt deserve you

(his thoughts, not mine)

‘i-i’

he stuttered and you motioned him to continue

‘i won!’

he shouted and you congratulated him, even though he literally won all the time

guiding him to the chair, you began to dab his cuts

(dab that bitch)

‘im starting to think that your opponents either really suck or youre like the god of boxing’

he didnt know how to take that but blushed red at the mention of him being a ‘god of boxing’

‘nah, im just good’

you eyed him and smiled

he continued to watch you heal him and inspected your face

heavy eyebags and sunken cheeks, it mustve been a long night

he felt a pang in his chest thinking that you push your stuff away just to help him

‘you dont have to keep doing this for me, yknow’

you halt and look at him seriously

‘i know i dont. but i cant sleep at night thinking youre in pain and alone when i can be there for you’

even though he just realized it, jeno was pretty sure he fell in love with you a long time ago

but if it was possible, he fell in love with you even more

‘thank you’

his soft voice filled the silence and you vowed that you will always be there for him whenever he needs help

a few days later, jeno hasnt been to a fight

sure you were worried at what was going on in his head but partly relieved that you dont have to see him so battered anymore

but this was so un-jeno

just as you were about to talk to him about it, he announces he got a job at the bookstore down the street

‘huh? i thought you didnt want to work’

you question while he looked sheepish

‘i realized that i was starting to become a burden since you take care of me every time. so i thought i should quit and get a regular job. besides, it doesnt hurt as much’

he laughed but you didnt react

‘lee jeno, you gave up boxing and the money,,, for me?’

he nervously looked up at you and you noticed the redness of his cheeks

‘i-well-if you put it that way’

‘listen to me, im flattered and i truly love that you dont want to get beaten up anymore. but i dont want you to quit something you like because of me'

‘but you always take care of me and push your priorities away to clean me up. i dont do anything in return and i dont think its fair!’

he argued and a soft smile crept up your face

‘yah, lee jeno'

your voice became a whisper

‘it doesnt matter to me if you dont do anything in return bc i dont see this as a favor. you are mine to take care of and i will do anything for you, you understand that?’

he looked at you in shock after hearing your response

he also turned red at the mention of him being yours

‘so-but-i dont think-'

he stutters but you place your hands on his arms making him stop

‘all i ask is you to come back home, to come back to me'

by now, yall were blushing

even though it might not sound like it,

but yall just indirectly confessed to each other

yall stared at the ground and jeno looks up, biting his lip

‘hey, y/n, can i make it up to you with some coffee?’

your head darted up and looked at him with wide eyes

‘like-like a date?’

it came out suddenly and you stepped back in surprise, cursing yourself

but jeno chuckled, eyes scrunching cutely

‘it'll be one of many'

lmao i didnt really like this but i made it at 2 in the morning and i kinda like boxer!jeno

[illfoandillfie]

hi i hope you don’t mind me being nosey but i was wondering if i could ask a few things about u being aro? i kinda just wanted to know how u figured it out? and also do u still get feelings for people but choose not to pursue it? sorry if i’m kinda intruding i don’t mean to, just curious

i dont mind at all darl! (actually...lowkey i love when people are curious about it lmao so feel free to ask more questions) also this is going under a cut cause it got longer than i meant it to lmao

figuring it out wasnt easy and it took a lot of self reflection and like months of questioning and doing research and then worrying i was getting it wrong. Basically i first considered the idea that i could be aro when i was approaching my 25th birthday. A friend of mine (the only guy i’ve had any sort of a fling with) had announced he was engaged and i was completely down on myself wondering why i couldnt get a single date when he was off getting engaged (not that i even Wanted to get married i just would have liked some attention). I figured there had to be something wrong with me or something about me that was broken. And then i saw someone i followed at the time reblog a post about being aro. I’d seen the phrase a little before but never really considered it as fitting me but i’d also never really paid attention to what it actually meant. 

I don’t remember what the post was exactly, it’s probably somewhere in the thousands and thousands of posts i’ve liked over the years but there’s no easy way to check so . Whatever it said it felt relatable enough that I went and googled aromanticism to try and figure out what it was and if it fit me. Because I was already in a headspace where I’d been thinking about my lack of a romantic history already, a lot of the stuff that i read had been stuff i’d been thinking about anyway. Like Reader said in Platonic when she was talking about how she figured it out, I’ve never had a proper crush. I spent months thinking about it after my friend told me he’d proposed. I have very vivid memories of literally deciding to have a crush on a boy in primary school because it seemed like i should (again, i included that directly in Platonic lmao down to the boys name and everything). And every guy I’ve had an interest in since has been either a brief physical attraction that i forgot about as soon as I wasn’t seeing him regularly or something that I deliberately manufactured either in an attempt to fit in with the people around me or because i was kind of bored. Even the cute music teacher at work last year like he was hot and i wouldnt have said no to a kiss or whatever but i just didn’t have any feelings about him beyond that. 

While I was trying to figure out if I was aro I read a lot of websites. The AVENwiki has a page on aromanticism and I think also has pages on some of the aro-spec identities like greyromantic and demiromantic so that was a good starting point for definitions. Google also gave me a few different forums and stuff where aro people were talking about being aro. A lot of aromantic resources are tied up in the asexual community though because that’s where the language and everything was first suggested and what it evolved from. I don’t think that necessarily helped me feel comfortable using the term aro to describe myself because i’m pretty confident i’m not ace but the more I looked into it the more stuff I found from people who were allosexual but aromantic. Anyway, I spent weeks just googling “aromantic” and seeing what came up  and rereading what i’d already read and resisting the fact that a lot of it fit me. Then I spent a while trying to find like a quiz or something that would just give me an answer. I found a few quizzes but all of them assumed at least one previous relationship so none of them were any use to me. But gradually I started feeling okay with calling myself aro. I think part of my hesitation was probably also because knowing I was aro didn’t feel like a solution it just felt my damage had a name. The other part is that romantic attraction is not easy to define which makes it hard to identify if you feel it or not so the part of me that wanted to be Normal kept being like ‘well if you dont know you cant call yourself aro’. But I thought about it a lot and I read any aro related post that crossed by dash and then ventured into the tumblr tag and found some helpful discussion stuff in there and then I started calling myself aro just quietly, only in my own head. It took a long time before I felt okay admitting that I was aro on my own blog but obviously i got there in the end lmao. That friend, the one who got engaged, he’s the only person i’ve told irl though. 

as to your second question....

I don’t think I feel romantic attraction. Truthfully, as i said before, it’s hard to know for certain and there is a possibility that i could form a romantic attraction to someone one day but i think it’s very unlikely. Other forms of attraction are different though. I can be attracted to people physically and sexually. And I think I could possibly be attracted to people in a platonic “man i’d really like to be their friend” kind of way though it doesnt come up very much because im not really one to like meet people. I like my own company. 

But i’ve never really acted on any sort of attraction or feelings for others. I was definitely attracted to CMT but I never acted on it because it seemed like too much work. The was a guy who worked at a pop culture collectables shop a few years ago who i thought was very cute and I did contemplate asking him out but it just never felt like a real option and I sort of just ignored it until he left the job. So yeah I guess I do get some sorts of feelings and then choose not to do anything with them, but they aren’t romantic feelings. But like right now I’ve got no interest in anyone (apart from ben and roger but i guess they dont really count lmao). None of the teachers at work interest me and i havent met anyone else recently and it really isnt bothering me. Theres a guy in IT who i could possibly see myself fawning over a bit cause he’s handsome and has an unusual accent but he’s got the same name as my brother so i’ve already ruled him out as a no go lmao. 

Anyway, hopefully that answered your questions! If there’s anything else you want to know or you’d like me to try and explain something more fully my inbox is always open!

[microfeelings]

You know I just realized how rude of me it was to just post the fantasy AU and never elaborate further on, so I'll do my best to write down the most important things from this universe (no timeline because lmao how does a timeline even work)

For Arin it would be the fact that he grew up on a tribe of half orcs, (his mother is a druid orc, and takes care of the horses that help them move around, his father is an elven bard, and because of this he looks less orcish and more femenine than other half-orcs his age, it bothers him at first but he learns to live with it) and when he is of age decides to leave to experience the world on his own and find a meaning to being alive, (he feels like he needs to find a purpose) trains as a barbarian, but leaves before finishing his training and starts taking adventures for money, (freelance adventurer babyy) at this time he cuts off his long hair and buffs out(is that the word??) his tusks (cause he believes hes not that good for his orc part), thats when he meets Ross, (who is trying to kill him but this doesnt bother the man) they travel together for a couple of years and then Ross leaves him for some pirates in the ocean (Or something like that?? Unclear undecided lmao). Then Dan comes into the equation, not much later Suzy, then Ross (who is kind of an on and off character traveling with them), and Brian (same with Ross, but hes justified because he has a family)

The story with Dan is more complicated (and angstier oh yeah). I still havent worked on his whole childhood part, but on his 150 and beyond he was kind of a free spirit, traveling as a bard, with literally anyone who might wanna join, meeting lots of people and sleeping around, he was more of a lover and the works he took were more on the entartaining side than the slaying, he lived without much care up until he was 200 when he met a tiefling lady whom he fell in love with and was decided he wanted to marry, the problem is that they had different views on life (since she was ready to settle down, meanwhile Dan was more of a "keep seeing the world"), even tho he was ready to leave it for her she told him to keep traveling and that she was going to be waiting for him when he was done. At this time (look you really must have bad luck Dan) he fell ill and into a coma of 50 years, when he woke up he found himself in a world where a lot of things had changed, and the woman he loved was dead. Devastated and with nowhere to go he just decided to keep working and travelling, so he joined a band of mercenaries where he met Brian, altho kind of violent (on Brian's side), they hit it off inmediatly and became very close, enough so that Brian presented him to his family, still Dan felt that he needed to keep travelling to fill the void he felt in his heart (and also because Brian was a human, and he couldnt bare the thought of losing him as well, and it was easier to just avoid it by leaving even if it made him feel like a coward). Then he met Arin, Suzy and Ross (I feel like their adventures all together deserve a different post)

Suzy is also kind of a work in progress (I still havent completely decided what drove her to leave her forest so the story might change from post to post). She lived in the forest her whole life (childhood undecided) and when she was around 200 met Arin when he was a teen, they became friends and Arin basically talked his whole life with her, eventually Arin left and Suzy kept living in the forest until a village started growing just outside it and started being rude and mindless on how they treated her forest, so she decided to talk to the townsfolk, they ignored her so she resolved into using fear tactics and that worked for a while, but now her forest was known as a dangerous place where no smart person went, aka a perfect place for mercenaries and other shady groups. She went to the town asking for help but people were either afraid or mad at her (Suzy is not having a nice day) but thankfully Arin and Dan were passing through town when she went to the folk so they decided to help her (sweet reunion between Arin and Suzy <3 the man has bad memory but he still remembered his childhood best friend, also she looks the exact same so... kinda hard to miss, Suzy has thoughts about the beard but this post is not about that). Still not decided why she left the forest (by all acounts it doesnt make sense, but I wanted her traveling with the boys) maybe she convinces the townsfolk to treat the forest better or something cheesy like that lmao.

From this point on the stories become less and less thought out

Ross as a tiefling was always an outcast, and you know what they say, treat someone like a monster and they will become one, he became a warlock at an early age (undecided but he was young) to a demon who would ask him all sorts of favors, one of them being killing Arin: the one favor Ross failed to do, because after trying to murder the man they both got into a life threatening sittuation where Arin saved his life and Ross thought "oh fuck, hes nice". They began travelling together and tho Ross tried to kill Arin a couple more times, tho he could never comit and ended up leaving him so the demon wouldnt find him (or something, how has the demon not killed Ross yet? Loophole! What loophole? I dont know, I havent thought about it yet). He left to travel the seas for a while and met a bunch of people but eventually came back to land and back to traveling with Arin because no one was as cool as him (I guess?) Gets along with Suzy and Brian cause they're scary, and likes to mess with Dan cause its really easy to do (and also because hes jealous of his relationship with Arin lmao) but they get along when its necessary.

Brian's whole life before joining the mercenary is a whole mystery, nobody knows anything about the man, the only person who knows his backstory is Dan, but even he is unsure because he always changes the story (one of them is the true one, which one Danny boy?). All everyone knows it that after Dan left the mercenary group, Brian wanted to retire as well, but the leader wouldnt let him since he was one of the best in their group, and threatened to get his wife and child if he left, so he took one last job to kill a certain Half-orc (everyone wants Arin death, why? I dont know) and after that went as well as expected (lots of knives, Dan trying to convince both Arin and Brian not to kill each other), the group decided to help Brian kill his own mercenary group. He sometimes joins the group on some adventures (Brian's house is one of their many 'safe houses') still enjoys to sometimes stab Dan and Arin, but knows better not to mess with a fucking druid and warlock

Also if you wanna write or draw related to this au, I will love you forever, you can tag it as fantasy grumps, or tag me (but honestly I dont trust tumblr, so you can just message me about it)

[mare-sanguis]

Monty x Winston part 9

"Lets go home now. The weathers going crazy- well fitted for our mood at the moment.

Scott said, opening his umbrella.

They walked down the street, silence following them.

"You know..." Scott said, glancing a look at him.

"No wonder he was so into you and wanted you near him."

"What do you mean?"

"Well- you're well spoken, friendly... very loyal, dont joke around when its serious. You're handsome.

Winston raised an eyebrow.

"Are you trying to hit me up?"

"What?" Scott said, laughing.

"No. I'm not into guys" he said, whispering a silent "at least I think so?"

"I was just stating a fact. Monty was totally into feminin, soft boys I guess- now thinking of it... I think he had a small crush on Alex, was into Bryce too, though he wasnt feminin guy obviously but he was the first one who "cared" about him, maybe a crush too. And he was interested in Tyler. Not crush like, but in a different way. Maybe because of his photography skills.

Winston stopped his steps, looked back at him.

"Oh...." Scott said awkwardly.

"I'm so fucking sorry- shit. I just couldnt shut up." He sighed.

"Its fine. Really. You're pretty good at observing. How long did you were aware of him and his interests?"

Scott stared at the pavement for some seconds.

"... Since I transferred to Liberty. I got to know him beforehand for some brief moments but after the transfer even more. And with his stupid insults and jokes he basically confirmed it without confirming it out loud."

"How'd you know him before?"

"Through a friend."

"A friend?"

"Ya. This friend was a really good friend of Clay and played in our baseball team. Anyway... Monty beat you up right?"

"Hmh."

"Why'd you forgive him?"

"I dealt with many people like him in my life. I'm used to it. I forgave him because I knew what was going on as soon as he started it all. Thats also why I denied knowing him. I'm open about my interests- some people still make fun of it - but realised that he wasnt, and not ready yet. I didnt want him to run into a blank knife."

"You're such a good guy- wished he would've meet you before..."

"Sadly I was to late."

"Maybe...."

They walked towards the crossroad.

"Guess we have to take serapate ways here."

Winston said.

"Right. Call me if you need something." Scott said, taking the way left.

"See you."

Winston still held his umbrella in his hands.

Guess he had to give it him back tomorrow.

________

Next day, Sunday: 9am.

Winston woke up with a bad headache. His parents were away again- so he was all alone at home. It reminded him at the time Monty visited him.

He should prepare himself for the police station.

He couldnt give up right now because of some annoying sickness. He needed to do it- for Monty.

Looking at the clock it was still to early. Their appointment was around 1:30pm. He sighed and closed his eyes again. Decided to stay in bed until 11pm. Maybe hes body would be better at that point. Maybe hes just going crazy after these two days and the other 2.

"Yeah. That must be it." He whispered to himself and fell back to sleep again.

When he woke up it was shortly around after 11pm. Time to get dressed. His body still was doing some crazy shit but Winston decided to ignore it for today, grabbing some plain clothes- after that, his car keys.

He arrived in town at 12pm, still some tome until they'll talk about the evidence a 2nd and hopefully last time.

Winston was tired and his forehead glowing. To much stress.

He parked his car at a parking lot near the station, spotting Scott already standing in front of it- looking a bit distressed and like he was there for some time already.

Winston stopped the engine and stepped out of the car, walking fast towards him.

"Already there?" He said, putting away his car keys.

"I could say the same about you, Winston."

"How long are you here already?"

"Ah just... some minutes."

Winston nooded, feeling that something was bothering him.

"Whats wrong?"

"Nothing- why'd you ask?"

"Not to be the creep this time but I could see you through my car window and you seemed pretty zoned-out. You dont look so good."

"Same goes for you dont you think? With this dark hair and this almost white skin at the moment you look like someone whos dead."

"Just had a rough night."

"Guess we share a lot. I kept remembering something after our talk."

Winston slightly tiled his head.

"Whats it about?"

"Nothing very important- about a friend."

"The friend so introduced you to Monty?"

"You could say that yes." he looked at his watch. "Lets grab a coffee- we still have some time left, maybe we can talk how to convince this cop to believe us. Even though he lets us care for his funeral it doesnt sound like hes believing us- sadly."

"Even with the evidence?"

"Even with that."

They were about to walk to the cafe as they saw Clay and his friends walking in their direction.

"Shit. They gonna see us together" Scott said, worried.

"They told each other about what you did- I told you. I dont wanna hear them saying shit."

"If they see us- and they will- we just tell half of the truth. Try acting like you arent involved."

He nooded at Winstons words.

Clay raised his hands to wave at Scott bit stopped after seeing who was with him. His smiled faded, like the smiles on the other faces.

"What are you doing here? With Winston?"

"We just met by accident."

That wasnt the truth- not even half of it.

Alex looked back and forth between Scott and Winston.

"Why are you with him? After all he did?"

"I dont know what you're talking about? If you mean the paybacks and visits- non of my business. I'm not even on of your friends so I can do what ever I like."

"Are you working with him?"

"No. Working with him about what? Why do you care? You dont like me."

"If you're working with him I would have another good reason to not liking you."

Winston sighed.

"I didnt want to cause any trouble with my visits. If I intimidated anyone of you- I'm sorry."

"Yeah? Are you really sorry? Then why did you gave Charlie something like this?"

Winston stared at Alex for some seconds.

"Not your place to know. He should know by now."

"Liar"

Scott scoffed.

"Yeah? A liar like you?"

Alex breathed out heavily, ready to beat a bitch.

"Now now" Zach interfered, holding back Alex. "Lets just cut it right here." He grabbed his arm and pulled him away.

"Sorry." Justin sighed. "Hes in a pretty bad mood lately."

Winston smiled softly.

"Its all right- we all are stressed."

They said their goodbyes and entered the cafe where they ordered their coffee.

"Scott?"

He turned around as he heard his name, spoken out by a familiar voice.

And there she stood.

Sheri Holland.

"Wasnt expecting to see you around here? When did we last saw each other? 8 month ago? Before you left school to take a break?"

He just nooded.

"Whats wrong? Saw a ghost?"

"No... I just wasnt expecting seeing you here too- after all, Monets y'all favorite spot."

"You know... was getting tired of this place after last year. To many bad memories."

"Right..."

"Soo... see you're having a date? With a guy?"

Scott blinked in confusion and Sheri laughed.

"That was a joke." She poked his shoulder.

"Anyway- now you're here... can I talk to you? Dont know if you want to involve your friend in it"

"Whats it about?"

"School. Bryce. Tyler. Monty."

"Oh... its ok. He knows anyway. Hes kinda involed in it to."

"He is? Why?"

"To much to tell you now- we should talk about it sometime else. We're kinda in a hurry, have to leave at 1:15pm."

"So whats your name?" She turned her gaze to Winston.

"Winston."

"Mine's Sheri. We know each other from school. We hadnt the best time back there then. How do you know Scott?"

"Through the whole Bryce murder case." Winston said. Quickly, not to spill more informations.

Sheri sighed as they sat down at a table.

"Pretty fucked up about Bryce death. And what happened to Tyler. And to Monty. I knew he was messed up in the head- but first to assault someone... and then to kill Bryce- allegedly. That wasnt expected at all. Sad that he died in prison. I mean... no one deserves to die in such a place, not in this circumstances."

Scott glanced over to Winston who looked a bit to serious, then looked back to her.

"Do you believe he killed Bryce? I mean ignore the "evidence"."

"If I have to be real- no. I dont think he did it but got framed. You know how easy it is to frame a dead guy. They cant defemd themselve."

"Why do you think someone framed him?" Winston said, with a dark tone in it.

"I really dont know. But Monty saw Bryce as a friend, was loyal to him. I dont see someone like him killing Bryce. Monty was cruel- but not like this."

"Right." Hearing someone else to agree made Winston very ... happy.

"He was a broken soul. He needed help. And nobody saw it. The last time I saw him was at the homecoming game. He had something in his eyes that made him look like he... changed? I dont know."

Winston knew it was because of him, he then whispered a "He indeed was a broken soul. He was sad and lonely." but Sheri heard it anyway.

"How come you know Monty?"

"Thats a secret."

"A secret- must be something very serious?"

He nooded.

"You know what he did to Tyler right?"

He nooded a second time.

"But he was about to pay for it. There was no need for him to die or get framed."

Sheri had a soft smile on her face.

"I remember seeing you on the field at the homecoming game. You took photos- of Monty."

Winston looked away.

"Guess we all three lost someone who meant much to us."

Winston glanced a look at Scott who was sitting next to him in silence- looking straight at his coffee to go.

"Hey Scott?"

He got dragged out of his stare by Sheris voice.

"You have time to visit Jeff in the next days?"

His grab around the coffee cup tightened.

"Maybe." He stood up and grabbed Winstons arm.

"We should go now."

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

[xxwritemeastoryxx]

Forgotten Alliance Ch. 6

Author: xxwritemeastoryxx

Pairings: Eventual Elijah Mikaelson x OC with other parings mentioned throughout.

Word Count: 2.7K

Warnings: Canon Typical things

Author’s Note: As a reminder, FA can be found on ffnet up to chapter 42. I am uploading chapters here on tumblr for convenience. I decided against tagging this until new chapters are posted. Of course there are a few that wished to be tagged and I will be tagging them in this. If you would like to be tagged please let me know! Chapters are queued and will be posted randomly.  Enjoy

After Elijah had gone off to his room for the night, Elizabeth had stayed on the balcony for some time after. She was wide awake and wasn't sure when sleep would actually hit her. She had so much on her mind and it was the root of her restlessness. She had watched the sky deepen in black and with her supernatural sight, the stars were something she continuously stared at as she stayed there on the balcony despite the lights from the city. She found it so easily to get lost in her thoughts recently. Mostly because she was so close to getting what was stolen from her back. She just didn't know how to ask Davina for the help she needed.

Elizabeth had known nothing of the events earlier between Elijah, Freya and Davina. She had been distracted by Malakai continuously making her laugh after she had somewhat gotten over the fact that Kol was back from the dead. Her best friend had made it so easy to forget the world around her. He was still learning the ways of the world but had been enjoying it every minute. Elizabeth already missed Malakai. Since he had woken up, he hadn't been that far from her. And now that he had agreed to go with Klaus to make sure they had gotten to their destination safely, Elizabeth felt a bit lonely.

Around two in the morning, Elizabeth left the balcony and went to the kitchen. Knowing her mind would continue to be restless, Elizabeth thought tea would be the perfect remedy to calm her chaotic thoughts. She hadn't been in the kitchen long when she heard footsteps enter the kitchen.

"Couldn't sleep?" Elizabeth heard Elijah's voice as she filled the kettle with water and placed it on the stove to heat.

"Not a wink." She replied going and taking a seat at the small table across from where he had taken a seat. "I didn't wake you did I?"

"Of course not. " He said with a shake of his head. There was still a hint of sadness in his voice and Elizabeth knew it was from the events from hours before. She wanted to say something. Anything that could help him feel better, but she couldnt find the words. She had used to be able to say the right things and in that moment she wished for that spell to have never exist. But what she could do was explain. She could finally say what she had been holding back for some time.

"Elijah," Elizabeth said at the exact moment Elijah had said her name. It caused them both to chuckle slightly. "Please, " She said. "You first."

"Alright, then." He said with a small smile before it faded. "I've been meaning to ask. What happened after my family had ran from your village?" Elizabeth was slightly relieved that he hadn't asked about Aya and the spell. But she supposed this would lead it into it. She was prepared this time.

"It didn’t seem like it had been long after that you had fed me your blood, that he came to the village." She said thinking back to that night. It had been after Elijah had started to visit her from time to time. Her husband hated Elijah and every time he had saw Elijah speaking to Elizabeth for even a second, he'd take it out on Elizabeth that night. One night he had taken it to far and almost killed Elizabeth. If Elijah hadn't sensed something was wrong, Elizabeth would have died at the hands of her husband. Elijah had killed him and fed Elizabeth his blood. "I remember Rebekah coming into the hut and telling you that he was almost there and that you two needed to leave. And I understood that that may be the last time I would see you both. And I accepted it. "

The kettle began to whistle and Elizabeth got up and turned off the stove. She poured herself and Elijah a cup of hot water. She carried them to the table along with a few bags of tea and placed them on the table. Elijah had smiled at her and took his cup and selected a tea. He patiently waited for Elizabeth to continue.

"Everyone in the village didn't know what was coming to them. I had barely made it outside when I seen him tearing apart a hut." She sighed slightly. "That man had fire in his eyes. I have never seen someone so hell bent on killing his children. I thought he would just tear the village to pieces and leave the villagers alone, but he didn't. By the time he reached me, he could smell both yours and Rebekah's scent inside. I welcomed him in and he had seen the body on the floor and looked at me with anger and that fire in his eyes. He had asked me where you had run off to but I gave him no answer. I had refused to do so. Mikael was not happy at all about my decision. The last thing I remember was him throwing me across the room and hitting my head pretty hard." Elizabeth watched as Elijah looked away shaking his head.

"I woke up some time later wondering how it was that I was alive." She took a sip of her tea. "I was the only survivor. And I remember there being a thirst and the blood from those that were already dead had called to me. It smelled so inviting and I couldnt stop myself."

"How did you manage to get a daylight ring?"Elijah asked and watched the smile grow on Elizabeth's lips.

"Rebekah had sent a witch to find me. How she managed, that I have no clue. But she's Rebekah." Elizabeth shook her head slightly. "But the witch had helped me. It took a few times with her using magic on me not to want to eat her, but it helped. I was able to control myself. From there I managed to make it in another village for a few years before moving on."

"What did you do with Malakai all those years?"

"I kept him in a crypt. Safest place to put him was somewhere no one really bothers the dead. I went back to check on him every few weeks. I had to make sure that he was still alive. As much as he could be anyways."

"How did you know about the doppelganger blood being the only way to save him?"

"The witch we went to, Silvia. She had known of Ester's spell. I think every witch knew about it. But Silvia had told me there would be a few chances to get the blood we needed." She smiled at him. "I have seen you a few times throughout the years. Lord Elijah." He laughed and shook his head.

"All apart of the plan to stay hidden from Mikael." He said with a nod.

"I know. From all the close encounters that we've had over the years, It was great to see you. It was even good to see you had became smitten over Katerina."

"You had been around for a while then." It hadn't been a question but Elizabeth felt the need to answer it.

"I needed her blood Elijah. I had hoped that Niklaus would break the curse so I could wake Malakai. But we know how that played out." Elijah nodded.

"And when you ran into Aya?" He asked. "If the story continues, you must have met Aya sometime after that."

Elizabeth nodded. "Before I start that story, during the time Niklaus and I had been after Katerina, did you feel like I was close by?"

"There was something that told me you were close by. A type of pull that I couldnt seem to shake. Though every time I had in fact tried to follow that pull, It'd would lead me to another village or another town."

"When did it stop?" She asked curiously. "When was it that you actually knew my presence was gone?"

The question had actually stumped Elijah. He couldnt remember when he stopped knowing that Elizabeth was okay. The last time he had felt any kind of reassurance that Elizabeth was okay, had been right before Klaus had daggered him for the second time. "After I had the dagger removed the second time." Elijah said with a slight nod.

Elizabeth nodded in return. It made sense now. He had been in a box when Aya had done the spell. "I only ask because it will make a lot of sense once I tell you the story." Elizabeth drank the rest of her tea before she started.

"I had heard the Strix had we having this party. And all of those that were from your sire line were invited. I was a curious one and wanted to see what it was that you had created, even though you were no longer apart of it. While welcoming at first, I saw no threat to the others that had belonged to your line. They had a witch shake the hands of all the guests that attended. When she shook mine, her eyes had widened and I had asked what it was that she had seen. But she refused to say anything." She took a deep breath.

"Later on, Aya had her witches attack me. I'd rather have my neck snapped several hundred times than go through that pain again." She shook her head trying to get the memories of it all out of her head, but they were permanently there. Elizabeth could see Elijah holding back his anger. But there would be no one to take his anger out on even if he did. Aya and those witches had been dead. "I woke up bound in the middle of a circle that they had created. Aya had came into the room, with a devilish grin that I could never forget. And I remember the words she had said clearly. 'You must be the young one he turned. That happiness you feel wont be there once they are done with this spell.' I was so confused as to what she meant. I didn't get a chance to question her, because the witches had started the spell."

Elizabeth paused for a moment. She ran her finger over the rim of the cup, trying not to lose her composure. Tears had started to form. "During the spell, I felt like something had been ripped away from me. And after the spell I had felt empty. There was something missing. I found out what Aya had meant after the spell. "I couldnt feel you anymore. I couldnt feel that you were safe. It had felt like I lost any sense to you." Elizabeth had looked at Elijah. He had a concerned and slightly confused look on his face. "The reason you had easily forgotten of my existence after you had the dagger removed was because of the spell. Aya took away the bond between us that isn't uncommon, but a true rarity to be able to find them."

Elijah had realized what it was that Elizabeth had been talking about. It had made sense to him now. It made sense as to why when Elizabeth was human, he had been able to know when she was in trouble and when she was lying to him. He hadn't been able to sense that since her arrival in New Orleans. He had in fact known when Elizabeth was safe, but he had lost that once he had been daggered. Guilt had filled him along with anger. He should have known something was wrong. He should have known something had felt different, but at that time, he had thought that it had been from being daggered. But it wasn't what it was.

"Why did she do it?" He asked as calmly as he could.

"To hurt you for leaving her when Mikael had come." Elizabeth said shaking her head slightly. "One of those, if she couldn't have you then your mate couldn't." She sightly. "It shouldn't change anything, me telling you this story." She said watching Elijah carefully.

"How would that change anything between us?" He asked softly. He knew the answer though he had to ask just to be sure.

"You loved her. " She said with a sigh. "And even though she left, I don't expect for me to undo this spell and for everything to be the way things should have been. I want you happy, Elijah. "

Elijah sighed and nodded at her words. She had said the very thing that he had been thinking. But the thoughts that were now coursing through his head were guilt. He some how should have known something was different. He wanted to fix things like he always done. And then he remembered that earlier yesterday Davina had came to the compound with the spell.

"She found the spell." He said softly.

"What?" Elizabeth asked shaking her head slightly. "I didn't ask her to find it yet."

"Freya and I did. I wanted what was taken from you to be given back. Even if I hadn't known what it was, I felt you deserved to have it back."

Elizabeth swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "And she found it?"

"From my understanding, she did. She even handed it to Freya before Niklaus had rudely kicked her out."

"But Freya wouldn't be able to do the spell..."

"Davina plans to speak with you about it. She seems on board with helping you get back what you lost."

Elizabeth sighed. "You'll get it back too. It wont just be me." She tried saying it as a whisper, but with them being vampires, it sounded louder than that.

"I know I will." Elijah said standing up. "You should get some rest. The sun is beginning to rise."

Elizabeth nodded and watched as Elijah walked out of the kitchen. There was some relief in Elizabeth. She had been able to get the one thing off of her chest that she had been holding on to five centuries. Standing, she collected the dishes and placed them in the sink before heading up to her room. Getting into her bed, she looked up at the ceiling hoping that sleep would actually take over. It took its sweet time doing so. But when she did, it only seemed like she closed her eyes for a moment before someone began knocking on her room door.

Forgotten Alliance Tag: @mschellehitt

[moiraineswife]

The Expanse - A Clayleb Fic

OKAY SO I ASKED FOR WHUMP PROMPTS AGES AGO and have only done this one bc it got Long bc that is what i Do BUT SOMEONE SENT ME ONE FOR SHAKY HANDS BUT THEN TUMBLR ATE IT and my draft -_- SO I CANNOT TAG YOU OR REPLY TO YOUR ASK BUT I DID THE THING AND I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!! 

Title: The Expanse

Summary: Prompt: “Another character spots their hands shaking, so they hide them.’ Set between episodes 36 and 37. After Caduceus’ near death experiences from drowning, he finds that he can’t sleep, and moves up on deck. He and Caleb have a conversation, and face their fears together. Caleb’s POV. 

Teaser: He considered him for a moment. It would be so easy to simply sit up here in his hidden nook, reading, ignoring what was happening. But as he continued to watch, Caduceus moved to the rail of the ship and gripped it, staring down into the ocean. He seemed to be shaking. A year ago Caleb had been alone. As Caduceus had been for some time before they had found him. He was not alone anymore. Nor was Caduceus. And he did not want to be again.Closing the book, Caleb made his decision. 

Link: AO3 

Caleb’s legs were cramping.

He was perched in the crow’s nest of The Mistake. The ship swayed gently at ease in the in the midst of the endless expanse of ocean while they took a rest. It was oddly soothing. The vast, gaping nothingness was surrounding him like an abyss. Blackness reigned on all sides. All that differentiated the sky from the rest of the looming darkness were the stars, twinkling down at him like the watchful eyes of the heavens. Cold, and remote, and dead.

When he’d been a child, after his grandmother had passed, his mother had taken him outside that night, after a day of endless quiet crying, and pointed up at a particularly bright star he’d never noticed before.

She’d told him it was grandma’s spirit, watching down on him from above. She was always there, mother said, but in the day it was too bright to see her. Only the night’s darkness could reveal her, but she would always be there, and that the night was nothing to fear.

The story had brought him so much comfort as a child. He no longer believed that story. He no longer wanted to. The thought of his family’s spirits staring down upon the waste of flesh and air he had become did not the faintest hint of warmth or comfort to him now.

Taking a breath, he sat down his book and began to work the knots of pain from his leg. As he did so, he caught movement on the deck below.

Curious, he sent one of his little globules of light floating down slightly closer to it. With a soft breath of relief, he realised that it was only Caduceus.

Caleb frowned slightly. It was late, well beyond the point they should all have been asleep. He certainly wished he was. But he accepted that sometimes sleep refused to claim him, and when it didn’t, he knew it was usually wise not to force it. There was a reason for it. And he had learned to listen.

He considered him for a moment. It would be so easy to simply sit up here in his hidden nook, reading, ignoring what was happening. But as he continued to watch, Caduceus moved to the rail of the ship and gripped it, staring down into the ocean. He seemed to be shaking.

A year ago Caleb had been alone. As Caduceus had been for some time before they had found him. He was not alone anymore. Nor was Caduceus. And he did not want to be again.

Closing the book, Caleb made his decision. Stowing it in one of his book holsters, he stood and stretched. Groaning at the sudden aches in his body, he gave himself a little shake, then began to descend from the crow’s nest.

Nott had initially refused to climb up into it. The height had given her a sense of horrible, dizzying vertigo and she had clung to Caleb the entire time. Caleb himself had never been bothered by them. He actually liked the feeling of being on high, watching everything unfolding below him while remaining aloof and unseen himself.

‘No-one ever looks up’ his father had told him when he’d been young. This had led to the unanticipated consequence of Caleb sitting on the roof of their small cottage for long periods of time.

He shook his head, banishing the memories. He didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t deserve to get any sort of pleasure or enjoyment out of the gentler parts of his past. He focused instead of where he was putting his hands and feet to get back down. It would be just like him to fall and break his neck in front of the traumatised Caduceus while he was trying to help him.

Once he had dropped safely down to the deck he padded towards the ship’s bow where Caducus was currently perched, staring out over the dark ocean. He paused, not sure how to interrupt, sure the firbolg knew he was there.

Clay didn’t turn, however, which was unusual in itself. Caleb had never known him to be anything other than entirely polite.

Glancing down, he realised the firbolg’s big, gentle hands were shaking.

Startled, he found himself blurting out, “Mister Clay, are you all right?”

Caduceus still didn’t turn to him, nor did he answer. He was quiet for so long, Caleb nearly gave up and returned to his book nest. Then, just as he was about to leave, Clay said, quietly, “I never imagined it would be so big.”

Caleb followed his gaze out over the seemingly endless ocean. Cautiously, he stepped up beside him, Caduceus didn’t protest, so he settled next to him and gazed out, too.

“The ocean?” he prompted, quietly. Caduceus could be rather deep at times, and it was impossible to know exactly what he was thinking at any given moment.

“Mm,” Clay agreed, nodding his big head slowly.

“I thought the same thing when I saw it for the first time,” he said, softly, feeling a pressure to break the silence for Caduceus’ sake, who he saw was still shaking. “I grew up in a little farming town in the middle of nowhere. We had nothing, nothing like this,” he gestured expansively beyond the ship.

Caduceus nodded slowly again. “There are a few sailors at home,” he said, Caleb had to take a moment to rationalise ‘home’ with ‘graveyard’ and remind himself that, for Caduceus, they were one and the same. “They talked about it, but...”

“But that cannot prepare you for seeing it,” Caleb murmured.

“Nope,” Clay agreed emphatically.

“I read books about it,” Caleb said. “I thought I understood what it would be like, but seeing it in person...”he shook his head.

He remembered his feelings on that day, as he stared out at the endless expanse of shimmering blue that stretched to, and beyond, the horizon. It had looked like possibility, and freedom, and the opportunity to escape everything forever. It had been beautiful and alien all at once, and he had found himself unable to stop staring at it. He still felt the same way looking at it now.

“I never realised how big the world was until I saw it,” Caduceus said, softly, almost taking more to himself than to Caleb.

Caleb felt a little smile tug at the corners of his mouth. Caduceus seemed so wise and deep most of the time, especially compared to their current band of merry fuck-ups, it was easy to forget how sheltered his life had been before.

“Ja,” Caleb said, softly, “There is a lot of it out there. And I imagine it feels even larger for someone like you, who has stayed in only one small part of it your entire life.”

“Yeah,” Caduceus said, nodding again, his eyes growing a little distant. “We had people come to us from all over, but it was only words, the places they had come from. I never realised, I never imagined...” he trailed off, unable to put his thoughts into words.

Caleb patted him slightly awkwardly on the shoulder, but he seemed to appreciate it.

A slight crease formed between his eyes as a sudden thought struck him and he said, “Did you want to see any of it?” he asked. “Before we found your temple and you felt we were a sign to go with, did you ever dream of travelling the world beyond your home?”

“No,” Caduceus said, with that simple, genuine honesty he had.

“I loved my home, my family, my tea,” he added, and Caleb smiled again. “I had no reason to leave.”

“I was desperate to leave my home when I was a boy,” Caleb confessed in a low voice. “It was small, and backwards. The world beyond it seemed infinite, and full of endless possibilities and potential for someone willing to seize it. I was determined to take it, to escape the lowly peasant place I grew up in and become something great. I was so sure there would be so many great things to discover. And there were,” he said.

His voice had now fallen so quiet it could be so easily snatched away by the sea breeze rippling past his coat, but he knew Caduceus’ sharp ears would catch every word.

“But there were a lot of terrible things, too, that I did not anticipate.”

I was one of them he thought darkly.

“There have been a few things so far that have been, ah, a little unkind towards me, I will say,” Caduceus said. “I don’t think I fully anticipated them, either.”

“Ja,” Caleb agreed, thinking of Caduceus’ two near drownings in as many days. “You have had a rough time of it so far,” he said, patting Caduceus once more, still awkwardly, on the shoulder. “Do you ever regret leaving home?” he asked hesitantly. “Coming with us?” he added, curious.

He felt none of them had really taken the time to get to know Caduceus. He would not go so far himself as to get invested. Not after the world had so recently and brutally reminded him why that was never a good idea.

Still, a few gentle questions couldn’t hurt.

Clay mulled this question over for a time, then said, “No. I might have, even though my home is dying and I want to help it. I thought I might have misread the Wildmother’s signs. Or maybe I had just imagined them because I was so desperate for one. I’ll admit I was ready to leave and go home at one point.”

“Why didn’t you?” Caleb asked, genuine interest making him blunter than he would have liked.

Clay didn’t seem bothered.

“Jester had a little talk with me,” he said,” Reminded me why we have faith, and what that means. That helped a lot.”

Caleb smiled again. “She is good at that,” he murmured softly, nodding his head.

“Yup,” Caduceus agreed.

“She is a good person. Strange, in her ways, as we all are, I suppose. But fundamentally she is a good person. Sometimes I wonder what she is doing with the likes of-“ he broke off, abruptly, catching himself.

Caduceus had a way of putting him at ease. Some natural magic of his made it easy to be comfortable around him, even let his guard down a little. The ocean was the same. They both exuded a strange, similar sense of freedom and escape. Their combination was a dangerous one.

Fool, he snapped at himself.

He had to be more careful. Clearing his throat too loudly, he averted his eyes from Clay’s mild gaze and said in an overly casual way, “So, Jester convinced you not to leave, but you still can’t sleep tonight? And you came up here this late instead?”

“Yup,” Caduceus replied, evenly, apparently not bothered by the brusque subject change and obvious shift of focus back onto himself. “For much the same reasons as you, I imagine.” His tone remained light, casual, and friendly, but there was an intensity to him all the same. “Kind of hard to relax and sleep when you’re always afraid.”

Caleb shivered.

“’Specially when the thing that’s making you afraid is sort of everywhere,” he said, blandly, but his eyes locked with Caleb’s as he said it.

Mouth suddenly very dry, Caleb forced himself not to react to the implied double-meaning and said, firmly, keeping the spotlight on Caduceus away from himself. “The ocean?” he prompted, firmly.

“I mean,” he said, with such an easy smile Caleb almost convinced himself he’d imagined the hidden meaning behind the words, “It has tried pretty hard to kill me a couple times now.”

“So it has,” Caleb agreed. He swallowed with difficulty, coughed, then said, “Well, my father always said that the best way to conquer fear was to face it.”

“He sounds like a very wise man,” Caduceus said, solemnly.

“He was,” Caleb replied, very quietly.

“Did you follow his advice?” Clay asked, jerking Caleb sharply back to the present.

In spite of the relative invasiveness of the question, Caleb found himself grateful for it, as it stopped his traitorous mind from wandering along the cliff edge of his sanity, teetering dangerously towards the abyss that always pulled at him.

He scrunched up his mouth without thinking and shook his head in a sharp, jerky fashion, “I would have,” he said, quietly, self-disgust lacing his words, “If I had been stronger.” He bowed his head, shaking it and muttering, “But I was a coward, so...” He shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably, trying to act as though this was of no significance to him.

He didn’t believe it himself. He highly doubted Caduceus would.

The firbolg watched him for a long time in silence, then, without warning, patted him gently on the top of the head.

This was so unexpected, Caleb started in surprise. The ghost of something that might have been a smile almost flitted across his face.

“You regret not doing it,” Clay said, finally, “That means you’ve grown since then. Maybe next time you have the chance, whenever that might be, you’ll be brave enough.” A soft, sweet smile lit up his face and he nodded, looking suddenly certain, “I think you will. Whatever it is, I think the next time you meet it, you will.”

Caleb shook his head bitterly, but didn’t speak.

“But even if you don’t, it doesn’t make you weak, and it doesn’t make you a coward,” Caduceus said, gently.

“I think that it does,” Caleb said, jerkily.

“Nah,” Caduceus said easily, shaking his head. “You’re still here,” he continued, “You didn’t give in to it,” he considered, then nodded, “You don’t give in to it. Don’t think you can be a coward in those circumstances. Now,” he said, patting Caleb on the shoulder again before he could say anything.

With two long strides he stepped off the slightly raised platform at the bow onto the deck, leaving a somewhat stunned Caleb standing where he had been watching him numbly.

Caduceus took a deep breath, then, without a word of warning, began to shed his armour and clothes.

Momentarily stupefied, Caleb just stared at him for a long second. Then, giving himself a shake, he stammered, “What are you doing?”

Caducues, now wearing nothing but his trousers and the loose white shirt he usually wore under his armour, pulling off his socks as he answered, smile gently at Caleb and said, simply, “Conquering.”

His hands, Caleb noted as he stood up and walked to the rail, were shaking again. But he clenched them into tight fists at his side to control them. Then, without another word, he stepped right to the edge, and jumped straight into the ocean below.

Caleb cursed in Zemnian and hurried to the rail himself.

“That is not what I meant, you-“ he hissed.

Staring down at the ring of bubbles marking the place where Caduceus had disappeared.

Silence.

The light sea breeze ran gentle fingers through his hair. The sails creaked softly as the wind stirred them. The ship swayed rhythmically like a cradle. Caduceus did not surface.

Caleb gripped the wooden rail so tightly it hurt. Frumpkin wound around his ankles, peering down, too, and meowing softly, as though in concern.

Still nothing.

Caleb was on the verge of running below to fetch Yasha, certain he would not be able to rescue Clay himself when with a lot of splashing, coughing, and expelling of water, he resurfaced.

Caleb breathed agin, as though he too had just vanished into the depths.

“It’s deep, you know,” Caduceus observed, matter-of-factly.

“I thought you had drowned,” Caleb hissed, realising he was still gripping the rail too tightly and relaxing somewhat.

“Nope,” Caduceus replied.

He was flapping and flailing so much that Caleb asked, suspiciously, “Caduceus, can you swim?”

“Apparently, yeah,” the firbolg replied with another of his easy smiles.

“Apparently?” Caleb repeated, feeling like an angry dragon about to spit fire at an oblivious cow. “You dived into the ocean with apparently?”

“Sure,” Caduceus replied.

Caleb’s eyes bulged with indignation.

“I mean,” Clay added, “I can sort of swim. We had a little pond back home. One of my sisters taught me a couple things.”

“A pond?” Caleb repeated, faintly. Then he snapped back into a more pragmatic mindset, “Come around this way,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose and walking a few feet to his left, “There is rigging, you can climb back on board before you do drown.”

“I can’t do that,” Caduceus said, frowning slightly, “Not yet, at least.”

“Why not?” Caleb demanded trying, and failing, to keep the impatience out of his voice.

“I’m still afraid,” Caduceus said simply.

“You-“ Caleb began in frustration, “This is not the time, not-“ he broke off, composing himself, then said, bluntly, “You’ve proved your point, this is not necessary.”

Somehow, even while half-drowning, Caduceus managed to give him a stern look, “Not everything that happens is targeted at you, you know,” he said.”

“I never implied that-“ he began, but Caduceus interrupted.

“I’m not doing this to prove a point to you, I’m-“ he broke off, head briefly submerged by a wave, stuffing salt water into his mouth and smothering his words. “I’m doing it,” he ploughed on valiantly, choking a little as he spit up the water, “Because I need to learn and I need to not be afraid of this. ‘Specially since we’ll probably be in it again tomorrow.”

Caleb was quite impressed he’d managed to get any of that out at all in between bouts of coughing and spluttering while half-drowning. Not to mention more than a little humbled.

“But does it have to be done now?” he pressed, reasonably.

“No time like the present,” Caduceus said, “Something my father taught me.”

“No, there are better times,” Caleb insisted, “Times you can see, for example.”

“No,” Caduceus said, firmly, flailing stubbornly, “I could be in her again tomorrow with no time to prepare or practice. Or I could be struck by lightning and never get the chance.” He was ducked beneath another wave and popped up again, adding with a splutter, “Or I could drown tonight.”

Caleb cursed again under his breath in Zemnian. He was learning many things about the firbolg this evening. Prominent was the fact he had his own particular brand of stubbornness that nothing could overcome.

“Give me a moment,” he called irritably over the side, “And try not to drown.”

“Will do,” floated up to him amid splashing.

Still grumbling under his breath, Caleb stripped himself down to shirt and trousers, too, shrugging his coat and book holsters to the deck.

“Frumpkin, guard,” he ordered the cat.

Frumpkin sat himself down ostentatiously on the coat pile and blinked at him.

That would do.

With that, Caleb too jumped into the ocean.

The water was freezing as he plunged into it, and it took all of his self-control not to scream as the ice cold burned at his skin. It had always seemed strange to him. For all the ravishing, devouring power of a flame, it could not burn like ice.

He surfaced and gasped, but forced himself to take deep breaths and not panic or seize up. Caleb cursed again and shook his head like a dog to get the hair out of his eyes.

“Nice of you to join me,” Caduceus said, smiling for some reason, “The water’s lovely.”

“It is not,” Caleb spat, teeth chattering, “It feels like death.”

“Yeah,” Cad agreed, “I just always wanted to say that.

Caleb sighed and moved towards the still flailing firbolg. “Come here,” he said, floating close enough to touch him. “Stop flapping, you are not a bird,” he instructed, “Besides, all that flailing about will only tire you, which means you will only drown faster.”

“You’re good at this,” Caduceus said, so mildly Caleb almost missed the sarcasm. Almost.

Huffing, Caleb chose to ignore the jibe, noticing that, in spite of his words, Caduceus wasn’t flapping about nearly as much as before, though he was now beginning to sink, and seemed distinctly dissatisfied by it.

Every time his head dipped beneath the waves he desperately flapped his arms as though hoping to take flight and escape the sea altogether.

“Calm down,” Caleb said, trying to make his voice low and soothing. “And lie back, flat, as though you were on a bed,” he said, echoing advice that had been given to him a long time ago.

Caduceus glanced at him, not entirely with suspicion, more a deep uncertainty in his eyes.

“Trust me,” Caleb coaxed, “You are safe, I will not let anything happen to you.”

It had been so long since he’d said those words and meant them. He hadn’t been safe for anyone to be around in what felt like several lifetimes. In truth, he still wasn’t, not entirely. But in the moment, he meant them. Caduceus seemed to know that and, nodding he did as he was told, though he still looked distinctly uncomfortable about it.

Caleb bobbed closer and slid a hand under him, but it was far more a psychological support for Clay than a physical one, the ocean was doing most of the work for him.

“There,” Caleb said quietly, feeling Clay relax a little, realising that he was all right. “You will float naturally in this position, especially in the ocean, due to the salt,” he explained in a low, measured voice. “If you are in difficulty in the water, stay calm, and allow yourself to float.”

“Huh,” Caduceus said. Caleb carefully removed his hand and the big firbolg flailed in sudden fright for a moment before settling and continuing to float. “Well that’s neat,” he muttered absently, and Caleb smiled again.

“Your body will follow your head in water,” he said, gently tilting Caduceus’ head up towards the star-spattered sky, “Look up towards the sun and you should be okay.”

“Thanks, Caleb,” Caduceus rumbled, sounding much calmer and happier already.

“You are welcome.”

“You know, this is actually kinda nice,” Clay said, his eyes closed now, his arms outstretched as though he really was flying.

“Ja, it is,” Caleb agreed flipping onto his back and mirroring Clay.

He gripped his wrist with one hand and the ship’s rigging with the other to stop them becoming separated and drifting away into the depths of the ocean. But apart from his tethers, he simply let himself be.

“It feels like...Like freedom,” he breathed softly, not sure why he was telling Caduceus, but going on anyway, “If I close my ees like this, it feels as though I am no longer here, as though the world no longer exists and I am alone in an endless soft sky where there is no pain. There is only me. And oblivion.”

“Yeah,” Caduceus murmured, and Caleb felt him shiver slightly. “I don’t know if I’d want to live in a world with just me and...Nothing,” Clay said, thoughtfully.

“It has its merits,” Caleb said, bitterly, without thinking.

“Well, sure,” Caduceus said, “But I would miss some things. My home. My work. My family. My tea. I think I might even miss all of you, too, and everything that’s happened. Some of it was pretty terrible, sure, but a lot of it was pretty great.”

Caleb relaxed as Caduceus lapsed into silence. He had been tensed, waiting for him to push him on what he’d just said, but to his relief, he didn’t say anything more, and allowed the silence to stretch into a comfortable moment of peace between them.

After a long time of drifting together in the darkness, however, Clay said, “Who taught you all this? Fjord?”

Caleb huffed a soft laugh at that. “No, he said, “A good guess, but no, it was not Fjord. It was my mother, actually.” In spite of himself, he smiled, still able to hear her cool, measured voice instructing him. “She grew up in a coastal shipping town, and she insisted that I know how to swim properly. She said it may come in useful for me some day.” His mouth twisted into a slight smile at the thought. “I doubt she had all this in mind when she was teaching me.”

“She was right, though,” Caduceus observed, lightly.

“She was,” Caleb murmured quietly. “About so many things.”

He wished he could tell her that.

Caduceus once again, to his relief, allowed silence to blossom between them. It went unbroken so long that something like peace settled over Caleb like a warm blanket on a cold, winter night. He felt he could almost have drifted into sleep at last.

He no longer felt the frigid sting of the ocean. He felt calm, and quiet, and good.

Then he felt Caduceus jostling him.

“Come on,” he said in a low voice.

Caleb made an irritable noise halfway between a groan and a growl.

“We need to get out and dry off, “Clay coaxed, more insistently.

Caleb di not want to open his eyes. He did not want the world and all its horrors to be real once more. He wanted to linger in this sweet, dreamlike oblivion just a little longer.

“Caleb,” Caduceus said, sounding urgent now, “The water’s too cold, come on, we need to heat you up.”

Reluctantly, Caleb let his eyes flutter open. The world and all his pain flooded back. He reminded himself that he deserved it.

“Okay,” he mumbled, a little thickly.

He felt heavy, and sluggish, and Caduceus had to help him as they made their way back to the ship and climbed back on board. Now that he was out of the water he realised just how cold he was, shivering violently and uncontrollably as he spilled onto the deck in a heap.

Frumpkin trotted over, meowing and nuzzling him in concern.

“Here,” cad said, gently draping Caleb’s dry coat around him and picking up Caleb’s books from the deck. “It’s okay, I’ll look after him,” he told Frumpkin reassuringly. Then, to Caleb, he said softly, “Come on,” he said, leading him firmly below decks and into his cabin.

A fragrant aroma filled it from all the different teas and spices he had, but it was not unpleasant. Caduceus steered him towards the bed and nudged him down onto it, ignoring his vague, slightly slurred protests about soaking his blankets.

Then he leaned over him and cast a spell on the metal bed frame. At once, it glowed red hot. Caleb sighed and leaned into the warmth like a plant stretching towards the sun’s light.

“Careful, not too close,” Caduceus said, pausing in what he was doing to tug Caleb gently away from the metal.

A moment later, or so it seemed to him, Caleb had a steaming cup of tea in his hands. “There we go,” Caduceus said soothingly, wrapping another blanket around Caleb’s shoulders.

The fussing felt unnecessary, and he wanted to say so, but was feeling very lethargic and sleepy all of a sudden, and couldn’t summon the energy to do so.

“Sorry about that,” Clay said, sitting down next to Caleb with a mug of tea of his own. “Forgot you couldn’t last in the cold quite so well. No fur.” Caleb nodded vaguely in agreement, though this wasn’t making much sense to him at the moment. “You should be fine now, though,” he reassured him, patting Caleb gently on the shoulder.

Frumpkin jumped lightly onto the bed, purring loudly, and nuzzled closer to Caleb. Clay ran a big, gentle hand along his back and his purring grew louder.

Caleb nodded vaguely again, absently patting Frumpkin on the top of the head.

Some distant part of his brain was screaming at him to be more wary, to keep his wits about him. But it was very difficult to feel that way around Caduceus. At last, when he felt able to speak again he said, “You are a very good person, Mister Clay.”

The firbolg smiled gently and said, “Thank you. So are you, Mister Caleb.”

Caleb shook his head vigorously, “no,” he protested,” I am a piece of shit.”

“Well,” Clay said, apparently considering this, “Shit is technically pretty useful.” Caleb blinked at him, wondering if he was starting to hallucinate. “Great fertiliser,” he added, matter-of-factly.

Caleb stared at him for a long moment. Then he started to laugh, only a little hysterical. He only stepped when he ached too much to draw in the breath required to continue.

“I think I am going to like you, Mister Clay,” he said, finally.

“You don’t already?” Caduceus said with a half smile. Caleb replied with a crooked smile but said nothing.

“I think,” he said, hoarsely, feeling suddenly lightheaded and heavy all at once, “I am going to sleep now.”

He registered, dimly, that he was still in Caduceus’ cabin in Caduceus’ bed, and should move to his own. But his body felt as though his bones had turned to lead, and he was slumping sideways onto the pillows.

“That’s fine,” Caduceus said, a smile in his voice.

That was the last thing Caleb heard before sinking, finally, into his temporary oblivion.

[icharchivist]

Something that I wonder about a lot about Mana's death. Not death? I don't even know. It's that Allen called him, and he came back? Which means that, at some point, Mana was actually dead? Or maybe the Earl and Mana have different souls? So Mana died, his soul died, but the Earl's stayed? Did he like...wake up wherever they kept bodies, thought "what the hell happened?", immediately went back to the Akuma business and ran into Allen, not knowing he who he was mourning for?

this is one of the question i wonder about too...

“Mana Walker” ‘s soul was definitly An Actual Thing. Not only could it stick to the Akuma, but it stuck to Allen as well and it IS Mana. For a while i also thought it was possible it was Allen’s memories of Mana “creating a soul” (which would raise a question, what is a soul) but i disregarded it because 1) the eye definitly kept Nea at bay during the Alma’s arc so it seems more potent than that, 2) When Allen gets threatened by Apocryphos, we get a focus on the Earl’s left eye when he realizes Allen is in danger, and that’s when he sends Tyki and Road to the rescue.

So conclusion is: The Mana Walker thing is An Actual Thing, not just memories, and that it is Still Connected in Some Ways To the Earl. Besides with the Earl commenting on why he couldnt bring himself to kill Allen during the making of the Akuma, and that he doesn’t seem to remember that in details, would imply that some part of him is shutting him down.

I personally believe... That the soul calling tore a part of Adam’s soul away.

My personal understanding of how the events happened is that: Mana D Campbell blew up his own face to not look like his brother anymore. Along the line, he decided to run away from “The Earl”. Which means either/both his Noah’s part and the sentient suit that followed him around in vision. It would imply that he separated himself from “the Earl” in some way.

When he meets Allen, he says when the dog dies to “not feel sad, or the Earl will come”, and after Allen hits him with the innocence, he loses his sanity but talks about “The Earl” as someone tracking him down.

So that would imply that Mana Walker is a.. concept of self, who unlike Mana D Campbell had torn away the Earl’s part in them, and who’s sense of self was altered by the innocence in some level.

Now then we have “Mana’s death”. I believe it means the Earl caught back to him and got his body back. The Earl had then be represented as the Sentient Suit following Mana after all so i would believe perhaps that by wrapping itself around “Mana” it had the possibility to alter Mana’s “human brain”. Like we’ve seen the innocence overwhelm others (look at how the innocence in the Suman’s arc behave when being wrapped into it, and how easy it is to fall to insanity). So it got back the body, but the Soul took a backseat.

Considering how the Earl meets up with Allen without realizing he’s calling for Mana Walker makes me think the Earl since then had.. locked away at least memories of Mana Walker in order to keep moving on. The current Earl, as in, outside the Noah memory, outside of the sentient Suit, calls himself Adam. 

So then is the question of what happened when Allen called for Mana, but i believe it may have torn away that part of Adam that he kept locked away. In a way it keeps the “soul memories” at bay, but it kept a connection with the Earl. 

But I believe it was a piece of the human soul of Adam that got carried away into the Akuma, the piece of soul that lived those memories with Allen, which ran way from the Earl, and this piece that got stuck in Allen’s eye.

So now we have Adam who had had his “Mana Walker” soulbit torn away from him. We also know from a recent chapter, when the Earl takes over controle (note that I really mean The Earl as in, the Noah memory, the Suit, whatever, Not Adam), he tells Nea that “Mana D Campbell is no longer here.” It would mean that something similar happened to the D Campbell’s memories, locked away and got away in another piece.

So “Adam” wouldn’t have any memory of what happened with the Manas. The Earl would have some memories, and it could feed off Adam’s resentment over what happened. 

it seems Adam till feels for Nea and to some extend for Allen. Meaning that if the memories are gone the emotions are still there, just in such an abstract way Adam doesn’t comprehend all of it. And the Earl is the one to eventually push some of the behaviors. He can see Allen as a threat knowing “Mana Walker” escaped all that time to be with him, but he can feed on Adam missing Nea since the Earl wants to get Nea’s Earl piece back. 

So that’s why my question would be why bother faking Mana’s death when you could just do that?

I guess it just. that this explaination makes the most sense to me, with the way to see souls and the way to function of the manga. Besides the “uzzle pieces” is such an aesthetic element that comes back in DGM it would make sense to me if the Earl was a puzzle “missing its pieces”, rather than the souls being completely different. 

But this is a lot of how my conclusions shape my viewpoint.

It’s possible the more reveal we get on Mana and his death would change my view but.. so far this is how i’m seeing it. If that makes sense.

[lucylucciendo-blog]

Les Luttes de L'Amour Part 5

London is one of the many cities that never seem to sleep especially at 8 in the morning on a Wednesday where rush hour is once again alight. I could hear the buzz and many car horns outside my window as I lay down in bed. I turned on to my side trying to block out the noise as I heard a series of beeps from my phone next to me. I slowly opened my eyes and adjusted my vision.

Shit was the first word that came to mind as it all came rushing back as I remembered the events that transpired last night.

 I sat up in my bed and grabbed my phone. I looked at the time and couldnt believe I slept in til 12 which was so unlike me. 11 missed calls from Alex, 2 from Christian and 3 from Julie. I probably should have explained myself to Julie so I gave her an overdue text saying that I was alright and that my mum had a turn. I then ignored everything from Alex and went straight to Christian. He text me asking after me as I sat in one of the best hotels in my entire life. I tried calling him but he didn't answer so I sent him a text instead;

12.05p.m.- Me: Christian I fell straight asleep last night I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner as I should have. I honestly don't know what to say I had one of the best sleeps of my life mind you that could have something to do with all the crying😂 anyway I have no idea how to repay you of this! You honestly shouldn't have thank you so so much. I can't explain to you how much this meant to me. Call me when you get this x

I heard a knock at the door and put my phone down. I put on my complimentary dressing gown and opened the door to a waiter and a trolley.

"Good morning miss, breakfast is served mind the clichè!...May I?" He moved his head indicating for him to come in after staring at my blank and rather shocked expression for 5 seconds. I was so taken aback but smiled and replied;

"Of course sorry yes, sorry I wasn't expecting You!"

"Compliments of Mr Yu!" He smiled and pushed they trolley over to the table. He placed the dishes on top and removed the lids after ushering me to sit down.

"Now here we have french toast, scrambled eggs, bacon and potato scones with orange juice, mini muffins and a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows! Enjoy miss"

He placed a napkin on my knee and let himself out. I was still trying to process that Christian not only got me a room but a penthouse suite at the best hotel in the whole of England but also remembered what I like for breakfast after all these years. I remembered the days when we would have breakfast together either at his or mine. All of the laughs we had all of the memories all of the pain that soon followed. Although my mind couldn't help wander back to last night when I saw my boyfriend cheat on me which I assumed was not the first time he had done so recalling all of the times he had weirdly cancelled coming with me on my trips last minute for 'business'. This would definitely add to the list of trust issues that already took up my bookcase.

It was definitely a hurdle to get over after Christian left but then again here he was redeeming himself telling me he called and texted and flew in to find me only to see a house where I used to stay and where a new family took over. How could he have known I moved house if he never answered my calls that somehow he never seemed to have received. For some reason I believed his story in that he never got my messages I'm not quite sure why but I could always seem to tell when he was lying or telling the truth even after all the years apart.

I then took this opportunity to text Alex the last message I planned on sending him in my full life;

13:12p.m. Me: I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to work anything out with you, we are done, I never want to see you again and I want you out of my house and leave your key. Have a nice life.

I ate my delicious breakfast that I was somehow upset over since I knew I would never eat an amazing breakfast like that ever again. I demolished it and jumped into the shower and began getting ready. As I was putting my earrings in I heard another knock at the door. I opened it to find the only person I wanted to see. He immediately brought me in to his chest and wrapped his arms around me.

"Y/N I am so sorry, I should have gone with you, I should have never ever left you I can't believe I left you again but it's alright I've dealt with it he won't be bothering you ever again I promise!"

"Christian it's okay honestly I'm fine and it's all thanks to you I can't believe your here!!"

"How could I not be here he's a jerk, he doesn't deserve you he never did and I promise you'll never see him again!"

"Wait what do you mean you've dealt with it?" I chuckled as I pulled apart slightly as to not escape his hold but look into his eyes.

"It doesn't matter but your safe now! Y/N I don't want to lose you ever again and I want to give you everything you have missed over the last couple of years and everything you deserve! I actually have something to confess" he moved you in and closed your door as he sat you down on your bed.

"When I say that I didn't get any of your calls, emails or texts I meant it, as a matter of fact I talked with my manager who also had no clue how that happened who then took it up with my publicist who was also with me at the time we broke up. It was him Y/N, he blocked your number from my phone and changed my email address, he manipulated the full team and members of my friends and family that I was somehow better off without you and that it was your fault of ou breakup. He, He was always with me all of the time back then so he had easy access to my phone and my life. Apparently if I had a girlfriend it would have been harder to make an impact in the music industry and get where I am today. But thing is, I'm miserable without you. You've been on my mind for all these years to be truthful, you never left. I've always regretted breaking up and leaving you. You were my whole life and I honestly... I need you back in it. I miss you so fucking much your like a drug that I constantly need to survive. I never found anyone else like you and I don't want to ever look again. I found and made a life without you and I hate it. I need you Y/N and I know what I did broke you and I know what Alex has just done must have hurt like hell but I'm here for you and I'll wait until whenever your ready I don't honestly care how long I have to wait, as long as I'm with you." his eyes beaming so bright as he declared his love with a huge smile taking over his face.

I let out a deep breath and leaned in towards him grabbing his hair pulling him into me. It felt like slow motion as our eyes gazed into each others and our lips slowly met. And then we touched and it felt as if a million sparks had finally been released like my cravings and love I had so longed for was now all being fulfilled as I pulled my hand through the strands of his hair. I felt the same. Life wasn't ever the same without him and I craved his touch and affection once more. And alas after years of separation I was now back where I had always belonged. I opened my lips as his tongue explored me. My stomach was going crazy with somersaults and felt as if there was a full on rave and party happening in me. This was the kind of love I had been missing, this was the feeling I had wished for so damn long. This was all I had wanted, something Alex could not and never gave me.

I gripped his cheek and slid my arm down to grab his hand. I just didn't expect him to wince and grunt out in pain.

"What's wrong?" You exclaimed. Confused you brought your gaze down to his hand then let out a loud gasp.

"Christian oh my god what happened to your hand?"

That story however had to be rewinded to when Christian arrived at my apartment the night before as I drifted off to a deep sleep.

He rang the doorbell like any good guest and waited for the son of the bitch who hurt the only girl he ever loved. He would talk to him, explain who he was, get some of my things and tell him to be out by the morning and never return. However as he opened the door and as Christian saw his face he couldn't help or stop the powerful fiery rage that burned within him so his instincts kicked in and he clenched his fists and jaw.

"Who are you?" Christian still very much trying to calm himself saw a figure moving in the background in the corner of his eye. He turned and saw a girl in a dressing gown drinking a cup of coffee leaning against the table.

And that was it for him. He didn't care or want to even try hold in his anger anymore. He had had more than enough with this guy. The fact that he not only cheated but didn't even bother to get rid of the girl, in fact she was still there drinking my coffee and sitting on my table enraged him even more. And that's when he found himself punching Alex in the face.

The girl didn't even try to stop she ran behind the couch. Alex put his arms up as defence trying to block Christian but Christian was angry, in fact the only thing that did stop him was his phone ringing as he thought it might have been from me. He slowly came back to reality as he looked at his phone and saw it was from the hotel. He quickly answered and received information that I was safely in bed. He took a breath and turned off his phone. He looked over at the quivering man.

"How could you do that to her? She was already way broken before you and you just destroyed her. She may never love ever again because of you. I know what I did was wrong but at least a lot of that had to do with miscommunication. I still thought of her every-day and tried to contact her but you!" He looked at him with complete disgust which you could here in his voice. "You, you betrayed her, you actually cheated on the most amazing person you will ever meet and you have the audacity to do it in her apartment and not even get rid of the girl you cheated on her with. No, you give her coffee and I can only presume one of Y/N's dressing gowns. You have until noon tomorrow to pack up your stuff and get out and yes I will be back on the dot to check make sure your ass is out of the building." he turned to go and stopped his tracks. "Also, you might need some ice for that face and no don't you even think about taking Y/N's. Even her fucking water is too good for a spineless ignorant ass such as yourself." then he walked out leaving the room still and speechless.

Christian had anticipated my reaction might not have been so favourable since I didn't have a great fondness of violence but instead of all that crap I pushed him to the wall and started kissing him again. His hands were on my waist pulling me closer to him but he couldn't help but pull apart to ask one thing.

"Y/N, I need to ask you a question, will you be my girlfriend again?" I looked up at him and gave him huge smile.

"Yes, of course!"

It was three years later and the butterflies were going crazy within the pit of my stomach. 

"Y/N, you look beautiful!" Julie wiped the tears from her eyes protecting her makeup.

"Thank you!" I couldn't stop smiling I was just too excited.

"Your mother and father will be watching over you now with only pride and happiness." Christian's mother said as she squeezed my hand and said farewell for now as she wen to take her seat.

"Can I just say, I'm honoured to walk with you today, I know your father will have dreamt of this moment and I only hope to do him justice." Christian's father said.

"Thank you so much for doing this. I honestly can't wait anymore!"

"Are you ready Y/N?"

"To marry the love of my life? I've never been more ready in my entire life!"

 The End.

I hoped you enjoyed this series as much as I did writing it!

Leave a comment and let me know what you think!