#it is my conviction of their characters that they understand each other wholly and completely

[chiquilines]

Hi guysssssss its been a minute

I havent posted in a hot while due toooo many things one of which being im not that much into mha anymore... i still really really love all my girls, tgchk mmjr midjoke miryumi etc still hold a dear place in my heart, and I'm gonna keep drawing them, just less. I might start posting more art from different media, but regardless im not gonna be able to post much in the coming months cause I am about to have a very very busy time academically, so Im gonna have less time for drawing :( anyways, thanks to everyone whos been liking my my hero art, it means a lot to me and i appreciate everyone who takes the time to look at my silly self endulging wlw!! This isnt a goodbye btw, im just taking the opportunity to be sappy :) see yall in the next post!!

[misireads]

Män som hatar kvinnor (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) by Stieg Larsson

[ audiobook, listened in finnish ]

an investigative journalist and the head of a magazine named millennium is convicted of publishing a fradulent article defaming some billionaire guy and decides to step down from his position. he's then hired by an elderly former CEO of a powerful family enterprise to travel to some tiny ass town in the middle of nowhere to investigate what happened to this old man's great niece who disappeared 40 years ago. mikael the journalist accepts the assignment, not expecting to find anything new at this point, but is drawn in deep into the vanger family's troubling history and broken relationships with each other. his research is eventually joined by a very weird young woman named lisbeth who turns out to be one hell of a hacker, and together they not only solve the lost niece's case but also reveal how that billionaire that mikael originally wrote about is even shadier than expected.

➕ this is really three stories in one: the story of mikael and millennium and the wennerström guy he wrote the article about; the story of the vanger family and the mystery of harriet's disappearance; and the story of lisbeth, her past and present, a total deep dive into what made her the kind of person she now is and how she operates. and i looove that, i really enjoy layered storytelling. when you go in, you don't know what to expect and there's the intrigue about mikael's sentencing, then you're thrown a curveball about this really complicated family, all while lisbeth's story kinda plays in the background seemingly unrelated. this captured my attention wholly and completely.

➕ i adore lisbeth's character. she's implied to be neurodivergent, a total bad bitch who doesn't take shit from anyone, defies all expectations, is independent and resourceful despite nobody having any faith in her. she gets back at her tormentors in the most satisfying way.

➕ the vanger family deserves its own plus point because i just love stories about weird families with internal conflict and tons of skeletons in the closet and the protag has to kind of dig it all out because nobody is willing to speak but it's obvious there's something very wrong about these people. though the truth about them turned out to be so gross instead of just weird, it's really off-putting but

➕ i liked that this was a mystery solved by a journalist and a… well whatever lisbeth is, because i'm not really a fan of police or detective novels. i mean i've read some good ones but i dunno, i always prefer stories about laypeople solving mysteries and crime.

➕ this is soooo swedish.

➖ could have been a bit shorter, some parts kinda dragged on. although i liked the ending, there were like 3 hours left of the audiobook by the time the harriet mystery had been solved which made me kinda… okay time to speed the audio up to 1.25x because this is gonna drag the fuck oooon.

➖ content-wise this gets really really gruesome. it was almost a bit much even for me.

➖ not a minus about the book itself but i find it in such poor taste that the english translation is titled "the girl with the dragon tattoo" which is a reference to a very minor detail about lisbeth and it just does nothing for this novel or anything in general. i can understand maybe they didn't want to call this "men who hate women" (which is the literal translation they kept for the finnish title) for international marketing purposes because it would deter so much of the male target audience lmao (i don't think it does in sweden and finland??? just saying). but the original title packs way more of a punch because that's exactly what this book is about, it's about misogynism. and that title is so self aware. but no, instead you make it "the girl with the dragon tattoo" and lisbeth isn't even the main character. she's a secondary one, a sidekick to mikael. this book isn't about her per se and most definitely not about her tattoos. what a stupid choice. i don't want to watch the film versions because i worry they made this way more about her than it should be.

⭐ score: 4- -- one of the better mysteries i've read in a long time for sure. i don't think i'll go for the sequels though, i had my share of mikael and lisbeth already. the audiobook was like 18 hours long.

[autumnslance]

I've got a writing question that's been on my mind for a while: how do you keep your OCs from becoming self inserts? Every time I think of developing an OC I realize that it's attributes that I

Oops, you got cut off! But in general: all your OCs are going to have traits of yours; it’s inevitable. Sometimes big things, sometimes small things. It’s how we relate to them, and also just natural, I promise. We write what we know, and we know how we interact with ourselves and the world.

But there is a difference between sharing some traits with a character and making them a self-insert. It’s letting their life, their community and culture, their experiences, also influence their traits and thinking, in ways that might be different from how you would respond in a similar situation. Even if you share those attributes.

This is me so let’s go behind a cut shall we?

Dark Autumn is as introverted and solitary by nature as I am; she can and does interact in professional and friendly ways with people (as I try to do), but needs alone time to recharge. However, Dark also has a very different outlook and relationship with her family than I, since her family is large and supportive, very close knit. If family is a lottery, I got the $50 scratch off prize while she hit the Mega-Millions. So I take that into account when thinking of her relationships not just with family, but with friends and potential romantic interests; Dark sees things through a lens of positive, low-drama familial relationships that I can barely fathom. This also means she has a support network and resources myself and other characters don’t, so gets some wish fulfillment of working through issues with care and grace instead of remaining in unhealthy places. She is my “comfort OC” so gets a lot of good things I wish I had—which shapes how she responds to others, like taking care of a FCmate and becoming something of a big sister figure for him, or the responsible older sister figure of my group of OCs. Which is me, really, idealizing my own older sister tendencies into this giant woman who’s better at it.

Aeryn was written to be on the ace scale; not my first character to be so, but the first written that way as I began to realize where my own orientations lie and wanting to examine that through fiction. That she fell for a certain rogue in the process of playing through MSQ again was not at all intentional. I like Thancred as a character—he hits a lot of tropes I enjoy—but in my own mindset, he’s a frustrating younger brother. I didn’t think I’d do NPC x WoL shipping. But there it is, because in determining Aeryn’s own experiences and how those shaped her, it ended up working out that way (and I spent the better part of 2 years writing the characters separately to figure that out and if it could work before writing them together because it’s not something that comes naturally to me).

Aeryn’s internal anger is something I have a difficult time with; it’s outside my own nature to carry things like that. I have my angers, certainly, but they are different from hers. I tend to need a lot to set me off and then it burns out hot and quick. Aeryn’s more of a long boil she keeps bottled up. I’ve gotten a few things through various fics, I think, but it’s why I do things like reference arguments but rarely depict them. Being non-confrontational myself (I’m meek and have hangups thanks to my own life) it’s a challenge. Aeryn responded to childhood traumas (that I never dealt with), bullying (that I did), losses (that I haven’t yet), and the responsibility she’s been given (thank goodness I don’t) far differently than I. Maybe I’d be more volatile, too, if I had her life. But I understand where her anger comes from sharing some of the reasons, I just shape it differently than my own.

There’s a lot of things about Dark and Aeryn that are accidentally similar, just due to the timing of their character generation and other RP OCs made for other games along the way; “Oh I haven’t done X or Y in a character in awhile” sort of thing, but how each approaches those similarities and why—their quietness, their issues with using magic, their tendency to “adopt” others as family—all come from different places and resolve differently, too.

C’oretta comes from a part of me that doesn’t quite want to grow up. That wishes I had been more of the peppy, active, cheerful, risk-taking, live it up stereotypical party kid, that “popular girl” archetype I felt so often on the outside looking in about. As my second character, I wanted her to be different from Dark Autumn—visually, emotionally, mentally. Where Dark is steady, C’oretta is flighty. While Dark is people oriented, C’oretta’s a bit selfish (like I often feel). Dark’s introverted, C’oretta’s extroverted. Much of C’oretta’s attitude is a deflection against the hurts in her life, a way to fight back against some terrible things. It’s a way I could never react. But I also can’t get away from a character who loves to learn and wants to try new things—but where other characters gain the ability to stick with and see them through, C’oretta gets my easy frustration and boredom, and then the “ooh shiny” of a new interest. There’s a history of ADHD (or whatever the acronyms are now) and even autism and learning issues in my family; it’s possible I have some undiagnosed ND stuff going on, and people have noted these things in C’oretta that I’ve based on my own experiences and those of people very close to me.

Many of my characters have traits I wish I had, or were better at; patience, kindness, consideration, convictions, courage, thoughtfulness, and so on and etc. They’re good at skills I haven’t the knowledge in, or the ability to do. They’re certainly more active than I am, or could be! Because I can take the time to think and plan and research and write those things out better, and just maybe along the way not only learn something myself, but try to practice it better myself. I can even sometimes let them teach me what I can possibly do or be, not just imagine it as an ideal that’s out of reach.

I try to let my characters make mistakes I wouldn’t—or in some cases, have in my past, and that’s OK. Especially if I learned from them, but maybe the character does not. Maybe they do but it takes awhile, or repeated instances until it sinks in. Maybe I let them make errors I still make, as a way to puzzle out better solutions I should probably entertain for myself.

Character voice is something I’ve felt I struggled with in keeping my OCs distinct. Do characters ‘sound’ alike, in dialogue and prose? Having distinct ways of speaking helps; C’oretta’s breathless chatty run-ons are certainly different from Dark and Aeryn’s quieter tendencies. I have to remember to trim down Aeryn’s dialogue more often, say less aloud, add more gestures and facial expressions. I tend to be a talker, an over-explainer (if you can’t tell), while the only times she gets like that are specific. Dark’s somewhere in the middle of those two, like I am. A lot of the reason I like writing NPCs and try to keep them close to my interpretation of canon is to practice distinct character voice to get better at it in my OCs, so they don’t sound like me!

And something I’ve never admitted to before is that I think for me, it helps that from the time I was a kid watching various series of Star Trek, I always have had an in-my-own-head-only self-insert. She’s always a support character (that’s what I’m best at). She has cool and unusual abilities to help the actual heroes, cuz heck it’s my internal fantasy and that’s fun. She has traits I want to be better at or wish I had, developed over time with more energy and focus than I can actually muster in reality. As time’s gone on, she’s become more of a mentor and Mom Friend as I’m now older and see a lot of protagonist characters as “my kids” now. She appears in nearly every story I’ve loved over time, in one iteration or another. And because I have a headspace character where I can say “this is what I, ideally, would say and do and be capable of in this situation…” My other characters that I actually write about can vary between doing something similar (if it suits them) to doing something completely different (cuz darn kids never listen) as I can compare them to the self-insert and decide where to diverge.

So it’s a mix of myself and my traits and knowledge, but taking into account how each character would respond and use those same attributes differently than I do or would. Write what you know, write who you are—and then add in some wish fulfillment, some what ifs, some bad choices, some good choices, and shake things up. Give the characters tics and tricks different from yourself and let that shape them, too, by remembering to take those things into account (even if you have to tape a note to your monitor).

And finally, don’t be ashamed of your self-inserts; I’ve known some great characters that started as self-inserts and grew, through their experiences, into wholly different people than their writers over time. Heck, the epic romance my original WoW priest was part of was with a character that started as a self-insert; his player began the game knowing nothing of the lore or roleplaying, but as he learned the story and how to RP, and determined how his character fit into the world and how that shaped him, the character diverged over time, while still sharing some key traits (some endearing, some frustrating, as people are and all part of that friend). It’s not a bad starting point at all. The rest can come over time and practice, especially if you make a lot of OCs and try to make them different from each other while also being aspects of yourself.

[curiosity-killed]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 6 of 26

Title: The Killing Moon (Dreamblood #1) (2012)

Author: N. K. Jemisin

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, First-Person, Third-Person, Female Protagonist, LGBT Protagonist, Asexual Protagonist.

Rating: 8/10

Date Began: 2/07/2021

Date Finished: 2/13/2021

Peace is sacred in the walled city-state of Gujaareh, and must be maintained at any cost. The Gatherers are a priesthood tasked with maintaining this goal. In the name of Hananja, Goddess of the moon, they walk the city at night and harvest Dreamblood-- the magic of dreams-- from Gujaareh's denizens. They bring the peace of death to those who need it... and to those judged criminal or corrupt.

But something else haunts Gujaareh's streets. A Reaper, a rogue Gatherer driven to endless madness and hunger from Dreamblood, is preying on the innocent, casting their souls into an eternal nightmare. Ehiru, one of the elder Gatherers, finds himself caught in the middle of a political conspiracy between his priesthood, the holy Prince, and the monstrous Reaper. An insidious corruption runs deeper than Ehiru knows-- and it may be too late to stop. 

The Gatherer’s eyes glittered in her memory, so dark, so cold--but compassionate, too. That had been the truly terrifying thing. A killer with no malice in his heart: it was unnatural. With nothing in his heart, really, except the absolute conviction that murder could be right and true and holy. 

Full review, major spoilers, and content warnings under the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Graphic depictions of violence, gore, death, warfare, and murder-- including death of children and mass murder. Discussions of p*dophilia/grooming (nothing graphic). Brief reference to r*pe. One character is a minor infatuated with a much older character-- not reciprocated. Rigid gender and social roles, including slavery. Magic-induced addiction and withdrawal. Loss of sanity/altered mental states/mind control/gaslighting.

Last year I read N. K. Jemisin's short story collection How Long 'Til Black Future Month?  One of my favorite stories was The Narcomancer, which explored a vibrant, ancient Egypt-inspired world with themes of faith, dreams, violence, and duty. I wanted to read more from the universe, and finally got to do so with The Killing Moon, the first book in the Dreamblood duology.

Jemisin's creativity in worldbuilding is, in my opinion, unmatched in the fantasy genre. I thought Gujaareh was super interesting and fleshed out. While the ancient Egypt inspiration is obvious, it's also clearly an original fantasy culture in its own right. Everything from religious practices to social castes to gender roles to the fucking architecture felt methodical and thought out. The base premise of assassin priests compassionately harvesting magic from people is a fascinating idea and totally gripping. The pacing is a little slow, but I didn't mind so much because learning about the world was so fun.

While there's a hefty amount of worldbuilding exposition in the story, Jemisin doles out information gradually. Bits and pieces of Gujaareen law, etc are introduced at the beginning of each chapter, and usually have a thematic connection to the events of the story. Information is sparing at times, meaning that one doesn't have a full picture of how everything ties together until pretty far into the story. Even something as crucial as the dream-based magic system isn't fully realized until near the end. I like the mystery of this approach, and I can appreciate how difficult it must be to keep the reader invested vs frustrating them with a lack of info. Jemisin consistently does a great job with this in everything I've read by her.

I did want a little bit more from the narcomancy aspect of the story, since dream worlds are such a huge part of Gujaareen religion and culture. In The Killing Moon we see just a few dreamscapes, and then only briefly. There's so much potential with narcomancy as a magic system, yet most of what we see is an outside, "real-world" perspective, which isn't terribly unique compared to other kinds of magic. Dreamblood being a narcotic (heh) with some Extra Fantasy Stuff is interesting, but I wanted more. Perhaps The Shadowed Sun expands on this. 

Characterization is the other Big Thing with this book, as it's very much a character-driven story. Overall I'm torn. There's some things I really liked, and others that felt underdeveloped. I'll go over my favorite things first.

Ehiru is probably the strongest of the main cast, and I really enjoyed his character arc. Here's a guy who is completely devoted to his faith, regardless of what others may think of it. Yet he's not a self-righteous dick. He sees Gathering as a loving and holy thing, so when he errs in the line of duty, it totally consumes him. And things just get worse and worse for him as the story progresses. Say what you will about the Gatherers and the belief system of Gujaareh; Ehiru comes off as intensely caring, devoted, and compassionate, and I genuinely felt bad for him throughout the novel. I'm not religious but these kinds of faith narratives are super interesting to me.

Looking at characterization as a whole, I appreciate The Killing Moon's gray morality. No one in the story is wholly good or evil. The Gatherers are an obvious example, considering they murder people in the dead of night in the name of their Goddess-- but do so to help those in need. Despite being a megalomaniacal mass-murderer, the Prince has believable reasons for his horrific actions, and they’re not wholly selfish. Even the Reaper is a clear victim of Dreamblood's addictive and mind-altering nature; it sometimes regresses into the person it used to be, which is sad and disturbing. There's a lot of moral complexity in the characters and the laws and belief systems they follow. This kind of nuanced writing is much more interesting to read than a black and white approach.

Beyond this, though, I struggled to connect with the other leads. Nijiri's utter devotion to Ehiru is basically his whole character, and while the tragedy of that is interesting for its own reasons, I kept wanting more from him. Sunandi is a good "outsider perspective" character but I had a hard time understanding her at times. For example, the two most important people in her life, Kinja and Lin, die in quick succession. Yet besides a brief outburst when Lin dies, this barely seems to affect her. I get people mourn in all kinds of ways but it seems odd. Her sexual tension with Ehiru is also weird and underdeveloped. Perhaps this is meant to be a callback to The Narcomancer, but it doesn't accomplish much in this narrative.

Another issue I had was emotional connection to minor-yet-important characters. Kinja dies offscreen before the story, yet is supposed to be a big part of Sunandi's past (and thus emotional arc). But he's never even in a flashback, so I never felt WHY he mattered to her. Una-une is the big one, though. It's pretty easy to figure out he's the Reaper by process of elimination, but he's barely in the story outside of a few early mentions. There's this part near the end that's clearly meant to be an emotional moment; Ehiru realizes his (apparently beloved) mentor Una-une is the horrific monster, and thus a foil to the situation between himself and Nijiri. But we never saw the relationship between Ehiru and Una-une, and nothing really established this prior... so there's no emotional payoff. It felt at times like this book was part of a much longer story that for whatever reason we never got to see. In some ways that can be useful to make the world and history seem vast, but here it made me feel emotionally distant from several characters. Perhaps flashbacks with these important characters would have helped bridge the gap. 

Credit where it's due, though; it's clear a lot of the dark, often brutal tone and stylistic flair in The Killing Moon was adapted into Jemisin's fantastic Broken Earth trilogy. Probably the most notable are the cryptic interlude chapters told from the perspective of a mysterious character whose identity is unknown until the end. We learn bits and pieces of the beliefs and lore of the world through excerpts of common laws and wisdom. I also liked the occasional stream-of-consciousness writing during tense or surreal moments. The Broken Earth is an improvement overall, but I can appreciate The Killing Moon for establishing some of these techniques early.

I enjoyed this book overall and am planning to read The Shadowed Sun. While I have some criticisms about The Killing Moon, I think it just suffers in comparison to other works I've read by Jemisin. It was still an entertaining and intense read, with a captivating and original world. It's not a story for the faint of heart, though, so please mind the content warnings.  

[porquejimin]

Deleted the ask, but S/O being kidnapped but left to their devices until they are ready to speak to Yandere!BTS and seeking them out for cuddles and affection. (+ My thoughts on this)

I feel as though it’s important to remember that although these tropes are fun to write, It’s not always realistic that the victim will always fall in to Stockholm syndrome, and fall in love or seek affection from their Yandere respectively. I am always reluctant to write these kinds of scenarios, because these personality types called ‘Yandere’, are at their core, selfish, and the ‘love’ they have for their significant other is built off of possible previous trauma, or their violent personalities and tendencies.

Their s/o is a victim, and the majority of people realistically no matter how isolated, wouldn’t seek out their captor for affection unless it was to gain an upper hand or establish trust, to manipulate the Yandere who is blinded by sick love. I don’t think that after being isolated for so long, there s/o would develop affection, as there has to be a sense of sympathy established. Giving their s/o space and whatever they needed with virtually little contact I feel as though would actually stem more distrust and fear in the Yandere.

If the s/o were to want to leave their room, it would be to barter their release, stop the isolation, and at least get a handle on what they are dealing with. Not seeking love and affection off of the bat, not only is it unrealistic but it looks very suspicious, even to maybe the delusional Yandere. And I don’t think that any type of mafia character could be delusional. Possessive, obsessive, yes. Delusion doesn’t suit a Mafia character typically, so I’ll stay away from that.

So I’m going to do Jin (I feel he fits mafia REALLY WELL). This is the same situation but, more realistic.

—————————-

The quiet in the room had been stifling this past three weeks. Every day like clockwork you were awakened by the careful opening of the door, your meal was brought to you, no matter how much you pleaded to the maids or wait staff, they would not speak to you. You cried, you cursed, you screamed, but the only result would be a note with your next meal.

“Behave.”

It had been enough. Ignoring the fear and the tremors that wrecked your body, you were finally in front of the very door of the man who had taken you from your life. A simple life as an accountant, caught up in an investigation of the mismanagement of funds. Whistleblowing came with a price, but you were not sure this was the crime you committed. Upon being taken, you were drugged, but handled sweetly and left notes and gifts seldom for snitches. This was more then just unusual.

You press your palm against the door, with a little bit of exerted effort it gave way slightly. You slid in and across the room, smelling of cherry and rosewood, sat the very man that employed your supervisor and the supervisor before him. From underneath the desk you could see the dark gray slacks and the comfortable house slippers lined with fur, but following the length of his torso concealed behind the desk, a dress shirt that cost too many dollars adorned the body of Kim Seokjin, the CEO of the parent company that proceeded over yours. The face and eyes of a ruthless tycoon. One who you had only seen once, and was grateful till now to have seen.

His eyes where on you and his lips turned in a smile, eyes amused and his body slumped comfortably, indicating he saw anything but a threat in you.

“Come here Ms. L/N”

You did not move a muscle. You kept your grip on the door, handle turned to it could not lock behind you should you need to run and hide back in the room. His jaw clenched and with a sigh he repeated himself. “Take a seat Ms. L/N, don’t you want to discuss buisiness?” He chuckled and gestures to the desk. “Where is that professionalism you are so fond of?”

Your cheeks burned red and tears of fear and frustration burned. “Y-your a fucking bastard. Let me go, I’ve never wronged you. You keeping me like your pet?!” He seemed shocked by your language, but realizing he still had the upper hand because you were still consumed in fear, stood. He briskly walked over, ignoring your calls for him to get the hell away from you. He was gaining speed and you tugged the door open, only for it to slam and nearly clip your finger tips in the process.

“It seems your not ready to be my princess baby.” He grips both your arms behind your back and holds your body against his. The pull of your muscles was nothing compared to the pull of your hair, pulled back and neck exposed. “It seems you still want to be a little brat, not even willing to let me speak? Let me explain and display this..love for you?” You sobbed and continued murmuring cries of “don’t do this” and “please”. He peeled you off the door and dragged you to the desk standing you in front of his seat. He sat and gripping your wrists bit out one word, looking into your eyes. “Sit.”

He maintained his grip, and with you facing his open legs, it indicated there was only one place to sit.

“N-n-no I don’t want to.” His hand transferred your wrists to one, and with his now free hand he grips your thigh with force, his nails breaking your exposed skin, the pain causing you to dip and fall into his lap. You began to wriggle to get up, but your body was pressed into him by his hand gripping your upper thigh and left cheek.

Your hands were pulled behind you, and you pulled back in retaliation. Sweating and face moist with tears, fruitlessly fighting.“Your going to shut the fuck up right now baby. Ok? Your going to close your little mouth and sit here where you belong.”

His eyes were burning, his plump lips pulled in a thin line, brows pinched, and although was mildly annoyed, he looked calm in his position over you. This bastard knew he had you where he wanted you. You couldn’t afford to piss him off even more, so you stifled you whimpers and looked away from him, unable to move your legs trapped against his thighs and the arm rests, and your arms in his large hands, causing your chest to be pushed up and leaving no room between you two.

Your breathing evened slightly and after a moment he leaned over to your ear, not allowing you to lean away further. “I’m going to let you go. You are going to sit on my lap properly. Then we are going to have this discussion, and you will understand your options.” He let your arms go. You pulled your body away, only to remember only to adjust when the fierce grip on your exposed thigh returned. You turned away from him, and carefully set yourself upon his right thigh, back towards him, his arm secured around your waist, and face resting in the warmth of your neck.

Jin was wholly comfortable, your delicate neck was his to hide and nip at, your cute little ass perched on his lap as it should always be, like it should have been when you walked in the room. But of course you were being difficult.

Your breaths became shaky as he pulled you back to recline in his chair, nearly laying completely on him. Your legs where gathered to rest your entire weight. You tried to resist, but the skin of your neck suddenly was pinched between his teeth. In your mind his monstrous jaw, poised to rip you apart.

“Why am I here? Why would you do this to me?! Why not just fire m-“ his bite increased and you cried as you felt the pain, feeling yourself duck into him to reduce the strain of the bite and alleviate some pressure. He didn’t release, not when you screamed or tried to remove his head from your neck. Only when you began to cry again did he release.

Jin licked his lips, peering at your face dripping tears, all for him. You were learning, not as quickly as he hoped but you were. His little project of many years. He had hoped to get ahold of you for many years, waiting for any sign of opprutunity.

When you were found as a whistleblower for his many operations, it became the motive he needed to make you disappear. While he could care less what happens to you companies funds or CEO, he knew that the act of retribution would be one perceived by your employers. No amount of evidence could convict him, and you would simply be known as a victim of the cruel underground operations of the business world.

Even hurting you was a delicious feeling, getting whatever you want was easy. But finally having the little accountant who stole his heart after so many years was heaven sent. You didn’t have to understand, but you would have to learn how to love him. You weren’t going to have anyone else to love in the foreseeable future anyways.

You gripped your neck and pulled away to escape his arms. Less and less strength throughout this ordeal, Jin simply gathered you in a tighter grip and you surrendered and hiccuped into his broad chest.

“Not now, but soon this will all be everything you know. That job of yours was inconsequential, but you are my greatest conquest.” He pulled your vision to him, and pressed pecks to your lips even as you squirmed to release your jaw. He stopped and kisses each lid.

“You’ll never look at anyone else again, love anyone else again my little project. You’ll learn to love me, as I have learned to love you.” Your crying again and he coos and murmurs compliments to you in a baby voice, contrasting the fierceness of his grip. He leans back and takes you with him. He uses his foot to gently rock the chair.

You are exhausted, is chest his hot, too hot and too tight a grip. Jin murmurs something along the lines of ‘sleep’. And you want to cry more. You want to scream more, hit more, struggle more, and curse this beautiful man whose given you no answers. Only that you are at his mercy and a project of his entertainment.

The motion of the chair is soothing, and the stress over takes you. You do not sleep, you cannot trust this man. But you close your eyes and pretend there is peace in the arms of the man who owns the world.

[amwritingmeta]

14x14: Noah as Representative of Suppression/Repression

Dean, Sam, Cas and Jack are all at a crossroads. How huge that crossroads is and how long they’ll be stood at it, weighing their options, remains to be seen, but Yockey firmly placed them there in this episode and he did it, to my mind, through using Noah as the needed tool to up the stakes, as it were.

I wrote in an ask response about one side to Noah’s representative qualities in the narrative, where I can see his boredom with the same old routine (his fate, as he calls it) to be a reflection of Dean’s boredom with casual sex and subtle exposition of exactly why Dean hasn’t been engaging with it for so long: he craves something more satisfying. (because he’s in love) 

And though Noah is violent, he’s not violent for the sake of violence, the way Michael is shown to be at the end of this very same episode, and as such Noah isn’t, for me, a representative of toxic masculinity. Mostly because Michael so firmly holds onto that title, but also because of Noah’s distaste for having to cook humans for supper. He’d rather not, but nature left him the choice of this or death. And he’s not going to sacrifice himself, which, as far as the natural order goes, is fairly understandable.

(he’s not a human eating other humans) (he’s a demigod requiring humans for sustenance) (there’s a crude but real difference to the two concepts)

The fact that Noah isn’t a toxic masculinity representative, though, is extremely significant to me.

So, in this post I’d like to outline my thoughts on the second side to Noah’s representative qualities, as I see them, and talk a bit about the deeply ingrained patterns of suppression/repression that exists in each of our main characters.

Definitions -->

Suppression is a psychological term for when we consciously push down unwanted thoughts or urges. Used healthily this is where self-control lies, but when an unwanted emotion or urge is ignored out of fear, this suppression tactic can turn into a pattern of behaviour that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking, casual sex, violent outbursts, addiction to danger etc) *side eye Dean Winchester* and irrational behaviour and lack of self-control due to lack of self-awareness.

Repression is a psychological term for when we push down unwanted thoughts, urges or very often memories into our unconscious, where our conscious mind is protected from having to deal with these particulars, because our conscious mind is kept wholly unaware that these particulars are a part of us. However, these repressed thoughts, urges or memories will push to be recognised, because anything we try to simply forget, that is deeply affecting, will never stay forgotten, and being unable to confront these buried thoughts, urges or memories may result in unhealthy outlets, such as the coping mechanisms and irrational behaviour mentioned above.

Noah

Though what exactly the gorgon represents truly is up for interpretation, the simple facts are:

Noah the gorgon in and of himself is a snake symbol, and per the ouroboros of the title, the snake symbolism in 14x14 might be leaning towards renewal, rebirth and a conjoining of opposites rather than, you know, the snake that brought knowledge to mankind and helped us rebel........ Yeah, kinda good either way you look at it, no?

Noah also Biblically brought the flood, which is a mighty symbol of rebirth, so he’s this double-edged sword where both edges spell renewal

Noah looks at you, assesses you and sees the truth of you, established with the truck driver, his note to Dean and with Jack - a bit of a narrative tie to Michael in 14x01, who blasted onto the scene reading the truth of people’s motivations left and right, and subtle foreshadowing of how Michael will shed Dean, and go looking for a new skin *shudder’

Noah enjoys both men and women (yes indeed bisexual symbol and nope I am not the first to point this out of course)

That’s the basic makeup of Noah’s demigod character, yeah?

Now, there’s a lot of moments in this episode that, to me, highlight the suppression/repression tendencies in TFW 2.0 and push for the much needed confrontation these moments lead into with Noah, as well as the repercussions that follow this very confrontation, culminating in the deaths at the bunker and Jack’s standoff with Michael.

Self-deception, thy collective face is Three Men and I’m Not a Baby -->

Sam

Darling Sam. He is so deep in his suppression of his superficial fear of how everything is not at all fine or okay, as well as in his deeply repressed fears that go back years and are a part of his identity makeup, that he can’t even stand a fair questioning from someone who knows a great deal about exactly the situation he’s putting himself in, as she later even points out in dialogue.

Sam leans heavily on the belief that everything will work out in the end, as long as they think it will, and his behaviour is, to me, a very sharp critique of the blinding power of the codependency, because the innate fears (repressed fear of failure and loss of identity) that has kept the codependency at the heart of how Sam and Dean relate themselves to each other is what is making Sam incapable of taking a step back and assessing their situation with any clarity. 

Instead, he recites the age old belief system and shuts himself off from questioning it in any way:

Dean will be okay, because Dean has to be okay. 

Jack is fine, because Jack has to be fine.

Sam’s loyalty to Dean is what makes Sam insist on Dean coming home after Sam talks Dean out of getting in that box, and then that same loyalty makes Sam insist on them acting as though everything is normal, thinking this is the only way he can support Dean, because this is how Dean has always handled every situation. 

But Sam in a leader position should think of the safety of those following him, he should see the very real threat of Michael getting free, and should take steps to protect the innocent people who end up dying at the hands of Michael.

I’m not saying their deaths are Sam’s fault, because Sam didn’t tell Michael to kill them, but their deaths are a narrative punishment for Sam’s inability to see past old patterns and learn from old mistakes.

Sam takes a huge risk bringing Dean back to the bunker, especially after he’s knocked out cold in this episode and even Cas can’t see what the hell is going on in his head, and if Sam wasn’t blinded by the patterns of the codependency, he might not have made that executive decision to begin with.

Btw, I’m also not prescribing the brothers shouldn’t have each other’s backs or should look at every dangerous situation with cold calculation, but when the lives of a group of innocent people are at stake, taking that step back and seeing the bigger picture might be preferable for everyone involved. 

Sam’s suppression/repression of his fears, and his inability to confront the fact that his fear of failure is keeping him tethered to his brother (because he’s using Dean’s presence as a security blanket, even when Sam’s the one in the leader position) is manifested through the fact that Sam can’t stop Noah, representative of suppression/repression.

Noah tosses Sam across the room like he’s made out of tissue paper because Noah represents all those things that are continually kicking Sam’s ass and making him run from taking real responsibility. 

And the way for Sam to shoulder individual responsibility and move towards his true identity, an identity that in no way is defined by his relationship to Dean? 

Well, to my mind, Sam needs to dare to believe that he’s a good and strong leader in his own right.

Sam has a default attitude of We Can Fix This Together, which is good, but that attitude without sound leadership and realistic risk assessment is bad. 

He’s the born leader. Once he’s balanced and begins to realise that teamwork still requires a strong team leader, he’ll be fucking golden.

*so Sam stating in 14x15 that he has to stop running made my heart sing* *hoping it sticks*

Dean

Dean, Dean, Dean. This episode made it very clear that he’s still very much not believing at all that there’s any way Sam and Cas can find a way to defeat Michael. He says to Cas that he promised to give them time, meaning Dean’s not part of this taking time deal. This is weighty af, because of course he’s the only one who can actually find another way, if he only dared try.

But he doesn’t dare to, because he’s completely ruled by his fear of failure, just like Sam is, only for Dean, it’s always all on him. 

If Michael gets free on his watch, it’s his fault, and he’d rather just go drop himself in the ocean than work as a team with people who might, and to his mind most likely will, get hurt in the process.

Dean’s risk assessment is always on red alert and there’s rarely any hope or trust in him - at least not on an unconscious, deeper level - that the outcome won’t be the worst case scenario, especially not now, with Michael pounding against his frontal lobe. 

Dean walks around not with a death wish, but with an acknowledgement that he’ll die on the job and with the conviction that what he wants is to go down swinging, and this conscious, defeatist attitude goes against his unconscious, true wish: to live a long and happy life.

His suppressed/repressed fears make even the thought of an actual future impossible.

His suppressed/repressed fears that are tied to his toxic masculinity armour and manifested in the toxic masculinity representative of Michael, ie Dean’s shadow-self.

And in this episode we have Dean incapable of facing his shadow-self for fear of what facing his shadow-self will mean for his ego, ie his conscious view of himself and his understanding of his own identity. 

So instead of facing his shadow-self and engaging in what Carl Jung calls shadow work, Dean has locked his shadow-self away and is, basically, holding onto Plan B, which is the equivalent of him running from the need to own up to fears that have been informing his way of relating himself to the world for far too long, and they’ve done so because rather than risk his long-held idea of who he is and who he’s been taught he needs to be (in order to keep Sam and the world safe), he’s going to put himself in a (societal) box and symbolically drown even the hope of finding internal balance.

This absolute and continued refusal to commit to change, to let go of his suppression as well as his repression of fears that have ruled him from much too young an age, lands him in a moment when facing off with the representative for that suppression/repression - Noah - brings about the narrative punishment of Dean’s worst fears coming to pass: losing his control and Michael breaking free because of it.

This punishment comes about because of the fact that Dean hasn’t been able to internally engage in shadow work, and the suppression/repression he’s engaged with instead now doing what it’s always done, which is take away Dean’s control and allow for his shadow-self to not only break free, but to actually manifest externally and wreak havoc.

But that’s not all. Oh, no.

I’ll talk about Jack a little further down.

Cas

Oh, Cas. At this point his identity confusion reaches a never before seen peak.

I mean, holy fuck, this moment is the moment when his rejection of his angel heritage is put in proper dialogue, but this rejection combined with the impossibility for him to explore what would make him truly happy means that he is stuck in identity limbo.

Not angel, not man, but a thing.

*it’s heartbreaking and stupidly exciting*

Cas is suppressing his longing for more because of his repressed fear of failure (among other fears), and this because his fear of failure is what’s crept up on him over the course of his individual arc, where he’s kept trying to help, and at every turn has faced a bigger and bigger failure, until it became impossible for him to see himself having any other use than to act the sacrificial lamb and constantly throw himself in the path of danger, without even thinking to ask himself if it was what he truly wanted for himself. 

In S4 Cas stated to Dean that he wasn’t just a hammer, but over the course of his individual arc, Cas has slowly made himself into the weapon, this when deep down he’s always been the shield, and he is innately the protector. 

Moving away from Heaven’s doctrine is essential for Cas’ character progression, and the slow nudging over the course of the last two seasons has been rather fantastic to behold, but for all his progress, Cas is now giving into his repressed fear of failure and allowing it to rule him.

Cas is choosing to maintain the status quo, and it’s gloriously frustrating to watch him simply accept the fact that he can’t ever be happy, when what he should be doing is engage in shadow work and question the validity of his shadow-self running the show.

Questioning his shadow-self and facing all those suppressed and deeply repressed fears, though, means the same as it does for Dean: answering the questions Who am I? and Who do I want to be? honestly, and for himself, and the prospect of his idea of himself having to evolve is a scary one, so no wonder he allows his shadow-self to dictate the terms.

Cas comes face to face with Noah and lo and behold, what happens is quite intriguing as Noah slaps Cas twice on each cheek, almost as if to chastise him for sleepwalking through his life, and then Noah kisses Cas on the cheek, effectively paralysing him.

It comes across as a rather marvellous visual manifestation of how Cas’ suppression/repression of his own true wants and needs is paralysing him, leaving him complacent to a fate that he believes is inevitable.

But...

Jack

So then. Jack. This formidable knitting point. This gorgeous narrative tool. This amazing mirror for all of TFW, full of expositional prowess and symbolic value.

Aw Jack.

His fear has always been reflective of Sam, Dean and Cas, because even though he’s his own brand of innocent, he is meant to be a combination of the character traits of TFW, allowing him that expositional prowess, because his character evolution sheds light on the needed evolution of TFW.

*mh mh good*

Jack’s greatest fear is to bring suffering, but in this fear is the fear of failure, yes, that old fear, that’s so overwhelming in all of TFW. Jack wants to do good, and he tries so hard that we’ve seen how it’s sometimes difficult for him to separate good choices from bad ones.

In 12x19 he rejected Dagon and he rejected his father, choosing Cas as his protector and doing everything in his baby Nephi powers to protect his mother. Kelly’s motherly love shaped Jack into the caring and innocent being that he came into the world as, where that moment of his father reaching out to him, at the beginning of S13, frightened him, and where he continuously rejected Lucifer’s influence. 

What 14x14 so gorgeously sets up for us is underlining what Jack’s weakness at this point in his individual arc is: his refusal to acknowledge how he doesn’t know who he is yet. 

I’m not a child. I’m the son of Lucifer. I’m a hunter. I’m a Winchester.

The identity confusion in this statement is pretty amazing, to my mind, because where he’s spent so much time rejecting his father and the heritage of Lucifer, he’s now suddenly embracing it in dialogue and, even more than that, he’s using it as his first identity marker. Clearly he’s seeing himself moving into adulthood, his identity statement after all beginning with him telling us how he considers his childhood over.

And let’s note that his last identity marker is that he’s a Winchester.

Yeah, as 14x15 is already telling us, this probably doesn’t bode well, but I also believe it doesn’t bode well for now. 

The fact that he claims the Winchester name for his is also a very good thing for later, obviously, and one that will most likely be crucial when it comes to the resolution of what is most likely going to be his dark arc. It may last a few episodes or it may build to the end of the season, we shall see, but it seems fairly evident that it’s rapidly approaching.

In a sense, him taking Michael’s grace into himself is him moving from child to teenager, in another sense Jack declaring that he’s not a child is ironic, seeing how he truly needs guidance, now more than ever before.

I mean, he’s literally swallowed down the essence of the thing that’s tripped Dean up his whole life and, by proxy, Sam and ultimately Cas as well: toxic masculinity. 

This is no way to grow up, Jack.

And, of course -->

Jack losing his soul - even though it’s not all of it yet - is a callback to Sam being soulless in S6, where Sam had to confront the side to him that is able to distance itself and look at a situation through a wholly mercenary perspective, fuelling his sense of dependency as he suddenly had to question his own judgement, something that hampers him as a leader as well, hollowing out his sense of self-worth, making it wholly easier to follow than to lead

the possible setting up for Jack trying to help and managing to do the opposite, his growing powers possible sending him off the beaten track, might prove a strong callback to Cas for most of his arc, where his first mistake of becoming Godstiel paved the way for choices that led hollowed out Cas sense of self-worth, leading him into depression

the possible setting up for Jack’s shadow-self to rule him because of Jack swallowing down toxic masculinity is a callback to the MoC arc for Dean, where his lack of self-worth led him to become a demon, the scenario being his shadow-self manifesting his worst nightmare as Dean lost himself in careless, selfish, mindless coping behaviours, dominated by violence

As ever, we shall see how the writers choose to go, but I’m damned stoked.

This whole season has been saturated with the MoC arc of S10 and the MoC arc was all about pushing Dean to change and to evolve out of old, worn patterns. It was all about forcing a new perspective of himself on him, and a new understanding of what he wants for himself. (a long and happy life with the man he loves) And here we now are, with all of these characters facing their suppression/repression as well as the narrative consequences for none of them having properly grown up and grown into their true identities. 

The fact that they can still deceive themselves like this is shown to not be okay, as they’re all hit with equal punishment, all of which now rather neatly knots itself into the fate of Jack.

My hope?

That Jack’s choice to burn off his soul to protect the people he loves and swallowing Michael’s grace and beginning to feel different and possibly starting to go off the rails is the awaited push necessary for Sam, Dean and Cas to reach the point in their progression that it’s necessary they reach if they’re going to be able to get through to Jack, and ultimately guide him or, at the very least, be the role models he truly needs.

Because right now, not a single one of them is anywhere near that point. Well, possibly Sam, as per 14x15, if he’s the first one of them to stop running.

Let’s remember that Jack was the one to chop off Noah’s head as well as put an end to Michael’s new world order: symbolically pretty heavy duty on the probable importance to the actual internal balance being reached for our three main characters, right?

Jack cut the head off two symbolical snakes in one episode.

Both of which were tied to the unhealthy habits of Sam, Dean and Cas.

It’s beautifully setup, whatever happens, and I can’t wait to see what we get!

[philippmichelreichold]

#scifi #Review Barrington J Bayley's Collision Course daw books

#scifi # Review Barrington J Bayley's Collision Course

I first read Barrington J. Bayley's Collision Course/Collision with Chronos more than thirty years ago. I must have given my first copy to the Goodwill. I searched for years before finding my current copy at Haslam's Books in St. Petersburg, Florida. They are the best. Collision Course is the sort of story you want to not lose.

Bailey follows a fairly unique approach to time travel stories. The vast majority deal with an alterable timeline that must either be changed or preserved to save the viewpoint character's way of life, the universe, etc; or with a multiverse where myriads of ways unfold and whatever decision a character might make, other versions of that character are deciding to do the same thing or its opposite. One example of the former is  Poul Anderson's Time Patrol stories. There are many examples in Star Trek with its time loops and Predestination Paradoxes and Chiefs O'Brien averring their hatred for Temporal Mechanics.  Larry Niven's All the Myriad Ways is an example of the latter.  Catch that Zeppelin by Fritz Lieber and Joe Haldeman's Manifest Destiny offer alternate time lines within a multiverse. Another approach, my personal favorite, is that you can't change the past. This the premise of By the Time We got to Gaugamela by R Garcia y Robertson. You can go back, but whatever is about to happen has already happened. To paraphrase, all the history books agree that Alexander the Great is going to be alive tomorrow, but no such assurances are available for the time traveller in question. Bailey takes a totally different tack from any of these, one ""so original that it avoids all (most?) time-travel clichés".

According to The Newsletter of the Council for the Literature of the Fantastic, Bailey followed the ideas of J. W. Dunne set forth in An Experiment with Time. Time travels as a wave or a torrent through six dimensional space in a local region of what we perceive as three dimensional space, creating and carrying life and consciousness with it as side effects. The future is dead and decayed, the past dead-- a collection of insensate automatons. You can build a machine to carry a bit of time with you ahead of or behind the time wave, but it won't do you any good. Times finger, having writ, moves on and you cannot change a word, act or dead. The trouble comes when two different time streams are headed along the same planet in opposite directions, like a pair of locomotives rushing along a track on a collision course set to arrive at a fatal destination. Life-consciousness-intelligence, it cannot be over emphasized, are byproducts of the time stream/wave/torrent.

And so it is in Collision Course that two time streams associated with Earth will crash together in about 200 years, with serious effects noticeable in about 100 years. Collisions of this nature must occur with some frequency as the International Space Society Retort City, located many light years from Earth and populated by the descendants of Chinese emigrees, has recently had a near miss with an entity whose time stream is situated obliquely to that of Retort City. The inhabitants of Earth are just beginning to understand time travel. The inhabitants of Retort City can literally run rings around the Earthers, and the Oblique Entity has nearly godlike (not Godlike as it points out) powers. The abilities of Retort City's scientists and the Oblique Entity, combined with obliqueness of their paths, allowed them to avert total disaster. Even so, things got pretty bad. The Oblique Entity and a researcher on Retort City have been watching events on Earth unfold with detached insouciance and mild concern. Time travellers from Retort City rescue stranded time travellers from Earth and offer to help.

Matters are not so straight forward at this point as one might hope. ISS Retort City was established 5000 years before the setting of the story, which is many thousands of years ahead of our own time. The races of man on Earth bare little physical resemblance to the people of our times (the "Chinks" of Retort City are a legendary race on Earth). The dominant race on Earth, led by the Titanium Legions (think SS), follows an Earth Mother religion. They believe with all the fervor that religious conviction can bring that they, True Man, are Earth's true sons and all the other races are defiling deviants whom they must expunge. There are archaeological ruins of alien design scattered about they believe support these beliefs.

The Titans see these ruins as proof of Alien Interventionalists who diabolically caused the rise of the Deviant races to destroy True Man. Never mind that there had been nuclear wars in the past with radioactive fallout to increase background radiation levels and thereby raise the mutation rate and never mind that the new races arose isolated from one another for a long time. Natural selection and niche filling divergence don't fit their self image or self interests. Or their self serving propaganda. Genocide is something the Titans have been quite successful at with only a few remnants of the other races remaining on reservations. The Titans have roving "experts" that can tell at a glance if someone is "racially impure". There is of course opposition and an underground which is losing faster each day. When the Titans learn of the ISS, with its wondrous technology and mighty industrial capacity, the natural recourse is to mount an invasion.

Retort City is designed as a double retort with the retorts set end to end. Lower Retort/Production Retort is devoted to industry and production. The mastery of time is so complete that different sections of a ping pong table can have different time streams moving at separate rates. Production lines can be run through time loops so that an artefact that was months in the making can be available hours after being ordered. The two halves are offset by about 34 years, so direct travel between the two halves is futile. Manufactured goods travel along a time gradient to the other half of the city and always arrive just in time. So great is Production Retort's efficiencies that it has greater industrial capacity than all of earth. The workers there are wholly devoted to their work. Their absorption with work is so great that off duty conversation often centers on how and where work is going. To them any other way of life would be a waste. "Technology was, after all, their life."(pg 54)

Life within Upper Retort/Leisure Retort is more luxurious, more devoted to subtle esthetics, and "was probably the most refined culture the galaxy had to offer". (pg 57) It's inhabitants are wholly absorbed in advancing the arts and sciences, so absorbed that they tend to objectify people and ignore any human factor not connected with the research that holds their attention. (So self absorbed that the sounds of fighting with the Titanium Legions is less a survival threat than an annoying distraction.) Little physical labor is performed directly, there being machines to handle that sort of thing. The apparent social disparity between the two halves of Retort City is solved by their mastery of time. Envy is avoided by the Exchange of Generations. One sends one's children by way of a temporal differential tunnel to the opposite half of Retort City and receives one's grandchildren in return. Robert Gibson hits the nail firmly when he says the equanimity of the arrangement eliminates jealousy between Retort City's two halves. The Leisure Retort's inhabitants are not so self absorbed as to not offer to help the inhabitants of Earth deal with the impending collision.

Once again, nothing is easy. An evacuation of refugees is impractical on religious grounds. The Titan dominated society could never abandon Mother Earth. It is unfeasible logistically as not Retort City lacks the lift capability. Diverting the time streams is beyond their science. They are not sufficient to the task and must ask the Oblique Entity for its help-- a sort of deus ex machina.

Aliens are described in some stories as being too alien to comprehend. Most human motivations/conflicts begin with food safety and shelter and proceed along Maslow's hierarchy to greed status fulfilment and pleasure seeking. Niven's Kzinti are motivated by status and the desire to acquire estates on which to hunt and raise families. The alien empires in Star Trek seem involved in dominance games characteristic of humans. I don't recall hearing an explanation for the behavior of the aliens in Independence Day unless it was pure revulsion. Certainly hatred was evident. All understandable as human like. The Oblique Entity may be beyond human comprehension by nature. No human definition fits and description is based only on vague and fleeting perceptions. No words suffice for it to explain its nature to humans. One common trait comes through clearly-- the enjoyment of entertainment. One of the human time travelers implores its assistance in saving the Earth. How does one obtain aid from someone who finds great entertainment value in the unfolding drama of one's plight?

For that matter, how does one convince someone that their murderous hatred is misplaced and futile? The Titans and the lemur like creatures in the approaching time wave ignore the fact that consciousness/life/intelligence are but byproducts of time. Even if one group succeeds in exterminating the other, the 2 time waves will still crash together ending time and life. (It is a theme of the story that despots and tyrants and haters ignore any information that contradicts their dogma and preconceived notions.) Effort and time that would be better spent working together for mutual survival are wasted on hydrogen bombs and plague weapons. As the Oblique Entity says, the final Battle of Armageddon must be fought.

Collision Course is tightly written, fast paced story that wants to be read all the way through without a break. As one reviewer puts it, "Bayley packs more into under two hundred pages than most authors come up with in a lifetime". The characters are sketched in quickly, but you know them as well as need be to follow the plot. The unique approach to time travel and the unique solution to the class struggle make it well worth reading. The ending of the story is fitting as the major conflict is resolved to the satisfaction of all concerned, even if they don't all know it. It is not a sugar coated resolution and conclusion, but the Titans would not have had it any other way, "with their cargos of death, death, and more death." I first read the story when I was in my late teens and then reread it some 30 years later. I enjoyed it as much this time as I did the first time. It is not currently available as e-text, but there are paper copies still available.

Selected dramatis personae:

•Leard Ascar- Earth's leading time scientist

•Chairman of Panhumanic League

• Grandfather of Hue Su Mueng

• Herrick- Amhrak scientist inventor of remote, intferometry-based remote viewing

• Rond Heshke- prominent archeologist

• Hue Su Mueng- disgruntled Retort City malcontent

• Hueh Shao father of Hue Su Mueng

• Hwen Wu- Leisure Retort prime minister and old friend of Hueh Shao

• Layella- Sobrie's "racially impure" girlfriend

• Leader Limnich- leader of Titanium Legions and de facto ruler of Earth

• Li Kim- friend of Hue Su Mueng

• Li Li San- Retort City envoys to future Earth aliens

• Blare Oblomot- assistant to Rond Heske at Hathar Ruins. brother of Sobrie. member of Panhumanic League

• Sobrie Oblomot- member of Panhumanic League

• Shiu Kung Chien- Retort City's leading expert on time. in contact with the Oblique Entity.

• Titan-Lieutenant Gann- time travel tech officer

• Titan-Lieutenant Hosk- time travel tech officer

• Titan-Captain Brask

• Titan-Major Brourne

• Whang Yat-Sen Retort City envoy to future Earth aliens

Further reading about Barrington J. Bayley, Collision Course/Collision with Chronos

•  COLLISION WITH CHRONOS on Ovias

•  Astounding Worlds of Barrington J Bayley on Ovias

• Review of Collision Course on Science Fiction Ruminations

• Wryte Stuff-- Politics with a Difference - Science-Fictional Constitutions

•  Jesse's Review on Goodreads

•  Barrington J Bayley on Wikipedia

•  Barrington J Bayley # ISFDB

• Barrington J. Bayley: Science-fiction writer who treated the human condition as a puzzle that must be solved

• Book Review: The Fall of Chronopolis, Barrington J. Bayley (1974)

• Book Review: Star Winds, Barrington J. Bayley (1978)

• Book Review: Empire of Two Worlds, Barrington J. Bayley (1972)

• The Zen Gun-Barrington J. Bayley (1983)

• Review: Let the Galaxy Burn - Warhammer 40k Anthology

• Obituary: Barrington J. Bayley

• Barrington John Bayley on Fantastic Fiction

Creative commons 4.0 

Credit cover art image under fair use for review. contact publisher for reuse 

[wingheadshellhead]

So I just read Jonathan Hickman's Avgers, Vol. 1: Avengers World which has that scene about how "it started with two men; one was life and one was death" in reference to Steve and Tony. What really confuses me and kind of makes me angry is why Tony is death? I don't really understand what it's referencing or what he's done to be Death. Like merchant of death and all that I get. But he's past his history now right? Even poetically in an avengers comic why is he still death? Wondering if you know?

i mean,,,,,,, i know fandom was briefly up in arms about this (not really but it was a Thing ppl were mildly salty about) but hickman never specifies who he’s referring to here. (the placement of the captions means nothing lmao, it’s literally just positioned in standard left-to-right reading order.) and actually, many ppl in fandom have taken that exact ambiguity and spun it on its head in edits and fics and especially re: mcu after ca: cw to cast steve as death, and tony as life as an interesting subversion of popular understanding of that quote where 616 tony = death, 616 steve = life. 

hickman’s writing style is very much about intense concept ideas and the big picture, he goes HARD on metaphors that make for great quotes and oneliners taken out of context but doesn’t often attempt to explain or further clarify what they mean. as someone who’s read most of his original comic east of west over at image, i can tell you it’s Classic Hickman to throw out that kind of dramatic ass statement and leave it up in the air as to who’s who just because it was memorable, it sounded fucking good, and it’s going to stick in people’s heads long after they’ve finished reading. and it definitely works bc this one ticks all three boxes.

personally, i don’t think hickman specifically intended one of them to be Life personified or Death personified; that’s hyperbolic even for hickman’s level of drama. and with steve and tony, at least, i think he knows full well that he’s dealing with Humans at the end of the day and not metaphorical embodiments of things. 

so what i think about the quote, specifically: 

1. it’s more useful as an axiomatic representation of tony and steve as polarising forces then as a literal statement where both correlate exactly to life or death; this is the unstoppable force meets immovable object facet of their relationship. 

hickman’s vol. 5 was very much about exploring and interrogating this part of steve and tony’s dynamic and driving it to its very limits. while i don’t know that i was totally satisfied with vol. 5 as an avengers comic bc i like seeing my kids get along and not constantly trying to murder each other, hickman definitely Gets steve and tony. he Gets their dynamic and the drama and tragedy that can come from such an important, intense and deeply profound relationship that’s grounded in so much history and personal stakes and emotions. tony and steve being best friends for over a decade and such important figures in each other’s lives will never negate the fact that they have very different ethical alignments and moral philosophies. and for two people who are absolutely compelled by those things in everything they do, going head to head with someone that happens to land at the polar opposite of them on the spectrum is always going to go down like… well… y’know. civil wars. universes dying. just bc that’s literally how much marvel has invested in them lol.

but i respect people / characters who respect themselves too much to bend just bc someone they love, or people they love, wants them to. i respect characters that will stand their ground and stick to their convictions even though it’d be easier not to, esp. when they’re risking someone they love. and conversely, just because steve and tony can’t agree on everything doesn’t mean their relationship suddenly becomes null and void. they’re too vastly similar but also different people who’d sooner die then stop fighting for the thing(s) they believe need to be fought for; this is something they know in their bones about each other, they know each other too well to expect anything less from the other person.

2. they can both be both. and this is Literal given that steve’s last act in the final moments of the 616 universe ‘as we knew it’ (bc there’s some debate – spoiler alert? – that the all-new all-different universe that marvel is currently set in is not 616 but a completely different universe and the 616 that existed before is legitimately just dead) was to take one of tony’s suits and try to murder him. granted, the ‘tony’ that was tony in the final moments of the 616 universe ‘as we knew it’ was also Not Really Tony, and i fully believe that the influences of Superior Tony were still lingering and tainting his overall Tonyness. in that instance, if you were going to be very simplistic and reductionist abt your interpretation of the quote, steve was definitely death. but Again, they are Both Both. tony spent (spends lbr) pretty much all his time in vol. 5 prophesizing death and destruction like 616′s very own cassandra; as Not Really Tony / still sorta superior iron man he pilots the godkiller to massacre an entire alien race from invading and destroying earth; building bombs, and being fully behind the plan to kill other planets to save earth-616.

you’re right that 616 doesn’t bring up his past as often as mcu does anymore because it’s considered literal ancient history (as in bronze age 60′s history that’s been written to death, although i’m of the opinion any good tony stark writer Can and Will find a way to write his past into modern relevance). tony’s narrative and the nature of his character, however, (sb driven by guilt and accountability and the knowledge that he’s alive bc of the sacrifice of a man who died to save him – i.e. yinsen) will always inevitably feature death, his history, and his subsequent transformation. talking about 616 and specfiically tony’s actions and choices in hickmanvengers doesn’t really help my point but to talk about tony + death in general, regardless of the universe, ‘death’ also doesn’t have to be the BadTM concept it’s usually thought of as. mcu tony canonically refers to himself as a phoenix, and the Afghanistan / Vietnamistan incident is metaphorically a ‘death’ for tony stark the charcter and his rebirth as Iron Man, the Golden Avenger. in any universe, tony’s hero narrative hinges on that rebirth and transformation as a symbol of his capacity for heroism and Goodness, of taking his ugly past and former ignorance and mistakes and transforming it into something wholly and purely driven by bravery and sacrifice. 

i mean, yes, sure, if ppl are going to sit there and only take the label at face-value: death = bad / awful / terrible / only referring to his past as a weapons manufacturer and merchant of death, then yes, that would be a shitty interpretation to swallow as a tony fan. but seeing as how comics is a medium that’s built on constantly evolving and changing characters / worlds / entire universes, death as ‘rebirth’ is a very justifiable and canonically valid reading of tony. 616 tony has died multiple times, literally and figuratively, and every time he’s rebuilt himself bigger and better and stronger. the connotations of death within hickman’s own narrative and world-building is heavily linked to metamorphosis and resurrection. the final act of his avengers run and the centrepiece of the secret war event ended with the revival of the 616 universe. not to get too philosophical and existential here but death isn’t even really an End in the comics medium bc nobody and nothing ever permanently ‘dies’; it’s not possible to associate the concept with a definitive ‘end’, which makes most of the negative imagery surrounding ‘one was death’ redundant. i’m all for intrepretations of ‘death’ that are closely interlinked, if not entirely hand-in-hand, with ideas of rebirth, rebuilding, evolution, etc.

anyway, avengers world is great and i fucking love it so even if i haven’t swayed your opinion, i wouldn’t let the quote override your enjoyment of the overall comic. which, i hope you do enjoy, bc the happiness doesn’t last in hickmanvengers. buckle in for the long haul my guy.

[sohamde]

EDITORIAL : Massive Shame How Arsenal Fans Were Sold Down The River By Their Very Own Board.

Arsenal fans have acquired a reputation, in some quarters, for being a collection of negative individuals, that think they have a legal right to success. Over recent seasons there have been walkouts, banners, empty seats and protests, to remove the owner and the previous manager, in scenes normally associated with struggling clubs. https://twitter.com/afcstuff/status/1045004282414735360?s=19 It’s a relatively small section of fans that know as much about football as I know about the Kardashians and they are probably as bereft of reason as the pouting clan of tanned, designer wearing airheads. Arsenal fans are currently angry at the Kroenke administration but what a shame they weren’t more vigilant and equally as outraged in 2007. We’ll get to that in a moment. The sale of Arsenal is a tragic tale of Shakespearean proportions, dealing exclusively in deception and greed. Those involved acted in their own interest and all their words of reassurance and commitment were completely disingenuous. The main character in this footballing soap opera is the absent owner, Stan Kroenke. The ambitious American, that appears to have no interest in a game where players aren’t dressed like stormtroopers or which isn’t governed by commercial breaks. Rewind to 2004, the Arsenal side were at the pinnacle of their success, winning the premier league whilst remaining unbeaten and some said that they could rule the division for a decade. It would take less than 18 months to see that side start to break up and over the next few seasons Arsenal’s ability to compete at the highest level had virtually disappeared. Then there was the Emirates, a stadium build that was supposed to unlock the gates to the big time and reveal unlimited opportunities. In reality, it only served to strangle the club with debt and signalled the departure of some of Arsenal’s top talent. So, what happened ? Someone has to be responsible. Well, yes. There are quite a few but let’s start with someone who regularly dodges the bullets of responsibility for Kroenke’s involvement and the currrent predicament of Arsenal. David Dein. As much as I appreciate what the man achieved with Arsene Wenger, he is the man that sold Arsenal. https://twitter.com/Gooner_AK/status/784694902064025600?s=19 In 2007, David Dein was ousted for backing Stan Kroenke’s take over bid. A smited boardroom took its revenge and rid itself of one of the most influential figures in football, after an association that lasted 23 years. Dein owned 14.6% of the shares and had he gone with his initial conviction, that invisible Stan was Arsenal’s saviour, Kroenke would have owned 25% of the club and Dein could have banked around £58 million but he didn’t. Somehow, David Dein had an overnight revelation, agreed with his former employers and decided that Kroenke’s involvement was ill advised. So, he reconsidered his options and sold his shares for £75 million to the Uzbek steel magnate, Alisher Usmanov, with an understanding that he would return to his perch in the Arsenal hierarchy once the club was bought outright. https://twitter.com/AFTVMedia/status/1026828303079010304?s=19 Hypocrisy, greed and power are the labels one could apply to David Dein and all of them would be richly deserved. His desire to return to Arsenal would never be realised as Usmanov got bored waiting for a seat on the board and having his money tied up in a club where he couldn’t even take a shit without bringing his own toilet paper and asking for permission. The Arsenal board who sacked Dein for colluding with the American, eventually welcomed Kroenke with open arms, like a long lost son. It was like Narcissus looking in the mirror, kissing his own reflection and paying for the pleasure. Once Kroenke had his feet under the table, it was just a case of biding his time until everyone’s resolve could be broken and in 2009, Peter Hill-Wood sold 100 shares to the one time villain of the Arsenal panto. This happened after Hill-Wood said in 2007. “Call me old-fashioned but we don't need Kroenke's money and we don't want his sort. Our objective is to keep Arsenal English, albeit with a lot of foreign players. I don't know for certain if Kroenke will mount a hostile takeover for our club but we shall resist it with all our might." He went on in almost Churchillian fashion. "We are all being seduced that the Americans will ride into town with pots of cash for new players. It simply isn't the case. They only see an opportunity to make money. They know absolutely nothing about our football and we don't want these types involved." Well, how right he was, even though he sold out to temptation in the end, helping to make his prophecy a reality. He also went on record to deny that other members of the Arsenal board would sell to facilitate a takeover. He said, "The notion that Danny Fiszman is a seller is really farcical. He doesn't need the money. Nina is also rock solid. She likes the involvement and the tradition that lies behind the club." Fiszman did sell his shares to Kroenke in 2009, 5,000 of them worth £8,500 each (£4,250,000) and Bracewell-Smith would eventually follow suit Hill-Wood was perhaps the worst offender, his Family had connections with the club for a hundred years, his history was entwined with that of the club. Yet it appeared, he had two versions of the truth, one for each of his faces because he announced a marketing partnership with Kroenke’s Colorado Rapids in February 07 and then realising that the fans might be twitchy by that type of love in, he came out fighting two months later by clumsily saying  “We don’t want his sort over here.”. https://twitter.com/MrDtAFC/status/1026728596986097664?s=19 Undeterred, Kroenke continued to scoop up shares and in 2009 he managed to get a further 200 shares from the estate of Ernest Harrison for £3.6 million. Even dead people have their uses. Kroenke also picked up another 200 shares from Hill-Wood, who you will remember was adamant that he would not sell his shares to the American under any circumstances, unless he could hardly close the boot of his car because it had so much money in it. Perhaps the final straw was Kroenke’s acquisition of Lady Nina Bracewell-Smith’s shares. Her decision to sell her Arsenal part to the American created a domino effect among the remaining shareholders and if she felt bad about the situation, she could at least console herself that she had £116m in the bank. She was viciously removed from the board for an apparent clash with the big cheese of Arsenal, not Peter Hill-Wood but Danny Fiszman, who had an amazing amount of control for such a small holding. Or could it be, as it was reported at the time, that LBS was considering selling to Kroenke’s rival, Alisher Usmanov and the only reason that she didn’t was so that she could take the most lucrative option once a bidding war took place. Kroenke courted and convinced her, that his money and vision were good for both parties. She didn’t hesitate. Later in 2018, she talked about her regret at selling to Kroenke and her dislike for the way he runs the club. This came after she tried to sue Linklaters and the accountancy firm Deloitte for their advice which led to the decision to sell her Arsenal shares to Kroenke. Yet, the real reason for that action and token remorse, could have something to do with the capital gains tax bill of £10m which she was presented with after the sale. Her relocation to Monaco to avoid further deductions, which cost £1.25m and her legal costs, which amounted to £400,000. In a spectacular turn around in opinion Bracewell-Smith said, “Football is a business of passion and SK has no passion for AFC. (Kroenke) shows he cares very little. Why he wanted to be part of AFC I do not know.” Much too little, too late it would seem. She cost the club and the fans something far more precious with her decision to open the door to the American. Her loss just means two less sports cars, one less villa in a secluded location, a smaller bar bill at Ascot and the postponement of the yachts refit. For the fans, some lost inherited shares from Family members or their only connection to the Arsenal. When Kroenke got rid of Usmanov, it allowed him to buy up those remaining shares of Arsenal, something he was legally entitled to do but it added to the dislike an mistrust of the American. https://twitter.com/AST_arsenal/status/1106870629473677318?s=19 A spokesman for the Arsenal supporters trust said at the time “Many of these fans are AST members and hold their shares not for value as custodians who care for the future of the club. Kroenke’s actions will neuter their voice and involvement. It is in effect legalised theft to remove a brake on how Arsenal is managed. The AST is wholly against this takeover which marks a very sad day for Arsenal Football Club.” On a more personal note, another Arsenal supporter Malcom Davis said, “Myself and my brother have been shareholders for over 50 years. I had no intention that the shares should be sold in my lifetime. I left specific instructions in my will that the shares were not to be sold to Kronke. I feel disenfranchised, as if I am no longer part of this club. I have little enthusiasm for this club. Kroenke is only interested in making money, not in winning trophies. I am not interested in supporting a club with no ambition.” Last season, Arsenal fans rightly aimed the rifle in the direction of Kroenke, the dark lord and former CEO of Arsenal, Ivan Gazidis and then manager, Arsene Wenger but none of them were responsible for the biggest sell out in the history of Arsenal. https://twitter.com/ltarsenal/status/1065321771811753984?s=19 We lost our footing, we lost our way and to a degree we lost an identity. Read the full article

[elesianne]

A Silmarillion fanfic, chapter one

Here’s the first chapter of my new story that I had tremendous fun writing although I also almost made myself cry once. It starts out relatively happy and gets more and more miserable as I tear apart a happy relationship I established in an earlier fic. There will be four chapters in all.

Story summary: Curufinwë and his wife burn as one flame, but when darkness creeps in nothing is left but embers and then ashes.

A study of the disintegration of one marriage among the downfall of the Noldor as a people.

Tag-type thingies (for the whole story): relationships: Curufin | Curufinwë/Canonical wife, as well as various family relationships; some keywords: darkening of Valinor, flight of the Noldor, married couple, love, heartbreak, angst, hurt/comfort, then just hurt, sucks to be Celebrimbor

Warnings (for the whole story): Some sexual content, references to violence, emotional distress and cruelty, canonical major character death(s). Also: so much angst in later chapters, excessive metaphors about fire and light. Rating: I rate this story as Mature to be on the safe side. I chose it because of the general dark mood of the story; sex and violence is very shortly described, nothing graphic. 

(Also posted on AO3, DeviantArt and FF.net because I’m overly thorough.)

Story notes: Build them up then tear them down, that's the Tolkien way, isn't it? I'm following that proud tradition with this four-part fic about the disintegration of Curufin and Netyarë's marriage, the happy beginnings of which I have written about before - this fic should work as a standalone, though. This time the story is told from Netyarë's point of view while trying to also portray Curufinwë relatively sympathetically.

I aimed to be as canon-compliant as possible: relevant to this story is a note about Celebrimbor in HoME XII: '--- though inheriting [Curufin's] skills he was an Elf of wholly different temper (his mother had refused to take part in the rebellion of Fëanor and remained in Aman with the people of Finarphin)'.

Chapter 1 summary: Great disasters begin from small cracks in beautiful things.

*

Chapter I // White fire

Happiness, Netyarë comes to realise when it is already slipping through her fingers, is something one should never take for granted. When she married Curufinwë, and when Tyelperinquar was born, she was happier than she could ever have imagined possible, and for a little while she remembered to appreciate it for the precious thing it was.

Then happiness became an everyday emotion and she began to think, or rather subconsciously believe, that her life would always be as happy, that she and her husband would always love each other and find great pleasure in acts of love and that they would have more children to treasure, and that is when the happiness starts to crack.

It is just little cracks at first. Curufinwë being more short-tempered with her than usual, being stricter with Tyelpë than the boy deserves, the occasional uncomfortable silences at their shared meals instead of easy conversation, her not wanting to tell him of her day because he looks like he would not be interested in listening, but afterwards finding him displeased that he had not known something. There are fewer of his grins for her to kiss, as she likes to do, and fewer of her smiles are genuine.

Curufinwë and Netyarë have always understood each other very well in spite of their different family backgrounds, his in royalty and hers in trade. They both have passion and ambition for creating beautiful things and gaining renown for it, they both know how to charm and influence people though they do it in different ways, and he can see when there is distress behind her practised smile as easily as she can recognise the heat of anger or passion that he hides in his cool, controlled gaze.

But there are things she does not understand. His arrogant pride in his bloodline, his unwavering conviction that his family deserves unquestioning respect, his loyalty to his father even when he knows Fëanáro is in the wrong. These things are difficult for her to comprehend because she comes from a family that is completely undistinguished in either greatness or wretchedness, and while she loves her parents and her brother she is not as close to any of them as Curufinwë is to his father.

Even when she does recognise why he feels and acts as he does – what aspects of his character, what experiences and opinions his deeds arise from – she finds it difficult to accept that he cannot choose to act otherwise.

On good days these things do not matter, but in darker times they open a wide gulf between them that neither knows how to cross. She does not understand him, and he thinks it must be for want of trying.

*

The bad days between the two of them start with the Silmarils, as so many things do.

Even before Fëanáro shuts himself alone in his forge, Curufinwë has known without being told that his father is planning something greater than anything that has come before, something he is devoting all of his fire to create. Curufinwë has been grieved by the friction that has come between his parents recently when Fëanáro has heeded Nerdanel's advice less and less, and he is further grieved that his father does not share with him this new project of passion.

The day Fëanáro bars Curufinwë from the workshop as he embarks on his new project Curufinwë comes home in the middle of the day and also shuts himself alone in his study, refusing to talk with either his wife or son. But when it is time to go to bed he paces around the bedroom and words pour out of him, almost as if against his will.

'I understand that he would not want the apprentices or my brothers around; they can be nothing but a distraction when there is difficult work to be done. But I have never got in his way or hindered him in any way. I am always willing to work together with him, or if I am not skilled enough, to act as an assistant, or just watch. But now he shuts even me out and will not even hear me, and I don't understand.'

Netyarë is glad that her husband is telling her about the cause of his distress, but she does not know how to help him. She has always been just as happy to work alone as with others, and though she was apprenticed in her youth, she has never had someone even close to what Fëanáro is to Curufinwë. And she feels like she has never come to understand her father-in-law, similar in nature to her husband though he may be. She is very close with Nerdanel, but Fëanáro is still a mystery to her, one she thinks is too great for her to ever solve. Not that she is certain she would like to; he scares her just a little bit, though she wouldn't admit it.

(Curufinwë is his father's son, much of the same furious white fire burning inside him, but it has never hurt Netyarë because when she is with him she finds flames inside herself too that she never really knew were there.)

She tries to find the positive in this new development and to use it to comfort her husband, so she tells Curufinwë that perhaps he should see Fëanáro's isolation as an opportunity to pursue some projects of his own that he has been thinking about but pushed aside to concentrate on work his father wants to do. This turns out to be entirely the wrong thing to say.

Eyes flaming, Curufinwë begins to speak. 'You –' He swallows, clenches his fists and looks at her for a moment, his eyes unreadable though she can feel his fury in her own spirit. He storms out and does not return until the next evening.

He apologises to her without either of them knowing exactly what it is that he is apologising for, and she forgives him, though she thinks she will be cautious for a while. A little crack has appeared in her trust that she  is capable of understanding him, and in her trust in the strength of their relationship.

They discover passion in the void left by the passing of anger, as they often do. After, when she lies with her head on his chest and strokes his hair that is tangled with her own, black amidst brown, she thinks of how fiercely sweet it is to come together after being sundered by disagreement. She wonders if those couples who never fight ever have anything like this, a passion that burns so hot she marvels at not finding her skin singed.

The next morning when they rise at the same time she finds bruises on her arms and hips and sees deep scratch marks on his back, and she wonders if after all it would be better, safer, if they did not burn quite so hot together.

But Curufinwë seems a little calmer now, and no longer speaks of sorrows. He dedicates himself to teaching Tyelperinquar while Fëanáro works alone on his secret endeavour. To Netyarë it seems like her husband is suddenly determined to make sure that Tyelpë misses nothing that he could teach, to prove that he is willing to share all he knows and to involve his son in all his projects even if his own father does not do the same with him.

Netyarë is glad that Curufinwë found something meaningful to pursue while he does not work with his father, and that he is taking such pains to teach their son. But after a while Tyelpë begins to look pale and tired when he comes home from the workshop with his father at night, and a few times he almost falls asleep into his food at dinner.

She tells Curufinwë that he is driving their son too hard, setting too quick a pace for his learning. 'He is still just a child, Curvo, however talented or smart he may be.'

'He has not complained.'

'You know that would not be like him. He is proud that you are teaching him, and eager to do his best, but it does not mean that you aren't putting too much pressure on him.'

It is one of their after-dinner moments when they each work on their own projects, usually engaged in planning for the future or making notes on the past day's work. Tyelperinquar often joins them to study for a while, but on this night as on many nights recently Netyarë has sent him straight to bed after dinner because he seemed so exhausted.

Curufinwë never takes well to being told he is doing something wrong. 'I think I know how to raise my son, Netyarë.'

'He is our son, not yours. Just because Tyelpë is a boy, and takes more after you in his skills and interests, does not mean that I have any less claim on him or any less say in how he is raised.' She has never had to say these things before. 'I thought you agreed with me on this.'

'I do.' He drops his head to his arms, suddenly looking as exhausted as Tyelperinquar had. 'I am sorry, beloved. I will try to be more patient.'

He does try, and Tyelpë does look less overworked after their conversation, and Netyarë tries to remember this when later things turn worse again.

*

Fëanáro's secret work takes a long time, but when he finally shows it – first to his family, as is his habit with all his creations – it is greater than anyone could have imagined. In their brilliance the Silmarils far surpass all of Fëanáro's earlier works, indeed all the works of the Noldor.

'I could not have done this', Curufinwë says to Netyarë when they have a moment of looking at the jewels alone. His voice is equal parts awe and desperation. And Netyarë hears what he does not say: But I could still have been there. I would still have helped, in whatever small way. He did not need to shut me out.

Netyarë is too awestruck to have any wise reply. 'They are all the colours at once, and yet there is no colour like theirs in the whole world.'

'No', Curufinwë agrees. 'I can fashion gems of any shade, but the light in these… it is truly the light of the Trees, and the light of the greatest spirit of our people.'

Curufinwë rarely likes his wife, or anyone else, to be aware of his moments of weakness, but Netyarë can tell that this moment is very difficult for him. He feels lost as more than ever he realises of how much less remarkable his talents are than his father's, and the feeling of loss is mingled with a resentment. He has put as much of himself in these jewels as in any of us, Curufinwë is telling her without wanting to. In me or any of my brothers.

Netyarë does not know how to console him, and in spite of the greatness of the Silmarils and the way they make her heart sing as they do to everyone who sees them, she is selfishly glad that Curufinwë is not capable of binding so much of himself into anything he creates. His creations are more of his hands than of his spirit, and he despairs for it while Netyarë is relieved that she will never lose him to his craft as Nerdanel seems to be losing Fëanáro.

*

Soon after Fëanáro's Silmarils have awed all of the Eldar and the Valar alike and been blessed by Varda, a new cause of contention arises between Curufinwë and Netyarë, its roots in wider disquiet among their people. For seemingly out of nothing, discontent arises among the Noldor. There is talk of the Valar keeping them captive here under their rule while the lands they could have ruled in the east will soon be taken over by a lesser race of second-born whom the Valar have kept secret from the Eldar.

To Netyarë it feels like the whole world has changed. All her life, all the concerns in the life of their people have been about forging one's path and finding one's own place in the world they live in, in Eldamar under the rule of the Valar; now some are questioning the rightness of the whole world order.

And chief among those who challenge the belief that all is as well as can be is Fëanáro. It comes as no surprise to Netyarë that he soon becomes the loudest voice of dissent: she knows that he is unwilling to take part in anything without being in its lead, and he is by nature disinclined to accept any authority except his own and his father's. For a time Fëanáro only voices his opinions among his family and followers, but in later years private conversations and whispered insinuations will turn into loud words out in the open.

From the first, Netyarë finds it difficult to agree with her father-in-law, and with her husband who inevitably thinks alike with his father. For to her, it seems that they have all they could need here. And she does not feel oppressed by the Valar – she does not even feel particularly ruled by them, for she has always felt the authority of King Finwë more keenly in her everyday life than that of Manwë. That has changed little after she married the king's grandson; but perhaps those who were born among the rulers of the Eldar feel differently about Valar.

Trying to understand, she asks Curufinwë what there is in the lands across the sea that cannot be had here.

'Freedom', he answers, and, 'Wider realms that we could rule on our own.'

'Do we not have freedom here?' she asks. 'And was there not death and darkness in those lands, and for that our people came here? Following your grandfather, no less.'

He looks at her a long time, weighing his words. 'Tirion may be enough for you. For some, the whole breadth of Aman is too narrow a world.'

Fëanáro has indeed travelled the breadth of Aman, explored even the least known, cold and distant corners. In youth he went alone and with Nerdanel, and later with his sons. Netyarë has also been invited on a few journeys but always chooses to stay in Tirion, where her work is. The white city of the Noldor, which she has in a small way made more beautiful with her art, is indeed enough for her.

Netyarë notices that Curufinwë said that Aman is too narrow 'for some' and knows that what he means is 'for my father, and for me'. You would be a king, my love, she thinks, but I have no desire to be a queen.

Though he studiously avoided mentioning the difference between the classes into which they were born, an unspoken awareness of it is in the air between them now after having lain near-forgotten for years.

Out of loyalty and love and any real passion for opposing opinions, she does not speak against her husband or his father in public and rarely even in private. Yet she does not change her mind, and neither does Curufinwë, and instead of keeping them together as she intends it to, her apparent acquiescence becomes an ever-widening distance between them.

She would have thought that with how even amiable conversations that the two of them have tend to grow heated and be full of sharp-edged words, any truly important difference of opinion between them would manifest itself as loud arguments. Yet it seems that the more serious their discord, the more it shows only as a freezing silence that slowly creeps from their lips into their hearts.

*

A/N: I hope that Netyarë doesn't seem out of character in this story; in Sparks fly out, which ended up being written from Curufin's point of view 90% of the time, she perhaps came off harder than I'd intended. In my head she has always been a lot warmer and kinder as a person than Curufin, though she's also sharp-tongued, and Tyelperinquar/Celebrimbor gets his gentler nature from her.

Following chapters will be longer, especially the next one that covers the many years of unrest and strife among the Noldor as Melkor spreads his malice.

[tpanan]

My Saturday Daily Blessings

June 12, 2021

Be still quiet your heart and mind, the LORD is here, loving you talking to you...........                                                                                                                                            

Readings for the The Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Memorial

Memorial of the Immaculate Heart of Mary (Catholic Observance) Lectionary 364/573, Cycle B  

First Reading: 2 Corinthians 5:14-21

Brothers and sisters: The love of Christ impels us, once we have come to the conviction that one died for all; therefore, all have died. He indeed died for all, so that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

Consequently, from now on we regard no one according to the flesh; even if we once knew Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know him so no longer. So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come. And all this is from God, who has reconciled us to himself through Christ and given us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting their trespasses against them and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. So we are ambassadors for Christ, as if God were appealing through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who did not know sin, so that we might become the righteousness of God in him.

Responsorial Psalm:  Psalm 103: 1-2, 3-4 9-10, 11-12

"The Lord is kind and merciful."

Verse before the Gospel: Luke 2:19

R. Alleluia, alleluia.

"Blessed is the Virgin Mary who kept the word of God and pondered it in her heart."

R. Alleluia, alleluia.

Gospel: Luke 2:41-51

Each year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, and when he was twelve years old, they went up according to festival custom. After they had completed its days, as they were returning, the boy Jesus remained behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Thinking that he was in the caravan, they journeyed for a day and looked for him among their relatives and acquaintances, but not finding him, they returned to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions, and all who heard him were astounded at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished, and his mother said to him, “Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety.” And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he said to them. He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart.

**Meditation:  

How forceful are honest words! (Job 6:25) Jesus addressed the issue of honesty and truthfulness in one's conduct and speech. What does it mean to be true to one's word? To be true to oneself and to others requires character. Unfortunately many people today miserably fail here. No wonder we don't trust many in positions of leadership and influence. God is the source of all truth and there is nothing false or deceitful in him. His word is truth and his law is truth. His truth liberates us from illusion, deceit, and hypocrisy. Jesus told his disciples that the truth will make you free (John 8:32).

We can count on God's word because he is faithful and true to his word and promises Why is it so hard to be true and to speak the truth? Truth demands commitment - that we live our lives according to it and be faithful witnesses of the truth. Jesus teaches his disciples the unconditional love of truth. He speaks against bearing false witness and all forms of untruthfulness and swearing unnecessary oaths to God. A disciple's word should be capable of being trusted without verbal rituals to give it validity. Christ's disciple must speak truthfully without "stretching" the truth by adding to it or by compromising the truth by speaking untruth or by leaving out what is necessary to convey what is truthful.

Do you allow God's word of truth to rule your mind and heart? Thomas Aquinas said: People could not live with one another if there were not mutual confidence that they were being truthful to one another... (In justice) as a matter of honor, one person owes it to another to manifest the truth. Are you true to God, to yourself, and to others? And do you allow God's word of truth to penetrate your mind and heart and to form your conscience - the way you think, judge, act, and speak?

Set a watch, Lord, upon my tongue, that I may never speak the cruel word which is not true; or being true, is not the whole truth; or being wholly true, is merciless; for the love of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Sources:

Lectionary for Mass for Use in the Dioceses of the United States, second typical edition, Copyright © 2001, 1998, 1997, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine; Psalm refrain © 1968, 1981, 1997, International Committee on English in the Liturgy, Inc. All rights reserved. Neither this work nor any part of it may be reproduced, distributed, performed or displayed in any medium, including electronic or digital, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

**Meditations may be freely reprinted and translated into other languages for non-profit use only. Please cite copyright and original source. Copyright 2021 Daily Scripture Readings and Meditation, dailyscripture.net author Don Schwager

[thebookwyrmsnook]

Knives Out

I was told that this movie was amazing, and a great mystery. I cannot truly argue with that, however I found myself a tad underwhelmed. It’s a solid story, its characters is easily it’s strongest part, and the final twist is really good!

To be completely honest. I did not watch the trailers for Knives Out, and I’m not sure if that would have shaped my thoughts during and after the film. I simply watched it based purely on recommendation. Having said that, what do I think? I think that Knives Out is an entertaining story that fell just short of being truly amazing. 

The story is based around a rich family, which is full of eccentrics, and the murder/death of the patriarch. The family members are quick to scramble for the will, all arguing over who will receive what. However, they are all distraught to find that everything went to the patriarch’s nurse. The film had a running theme from the beginning, that the nurse was the only one who truly cared for the patriarch. The family clearly just wanted his money/company/house. 

There’s only one problem. The family isn’t satisfied by this, and they try to coerce the nurse into giving everything back to them “where it belongs”. When they doesn’t work, they try to say she clearly killed him. A law is stated many times, one that states that if the benefactor of the will is convicted of the murder, they are forced to forfeit the inheritance. With so many money-hungry people glaring at one another, that is where the murder mystery truly begins. Each family member is individually interviewed in a very fun montage. These characters are easily the strongest part of the film. They are strange, and judgment towards everyone who isn’t themselves. It was so much fun to watch.

But that’s when the story takes a strange turn from most who-done-its. The film shows us who did. It shows us in excruciating detail how and what happened. And for those who do not wish to see any spoilers, I suggest you stop here. 

The nurse accidentally gave the patriarch the wrong medicine, and an overdose at that. Knowing that he was dying, the patriarch was quick to give her a very thorough plan on how to escape, give herself a fake alibi, and cryptically wishes her the best of luck to escape “them”. So this murder mystery suddenly turns into a liar-revealed story. Where we as the audience follow the nurse as she tries to hide the fact that she inadvertently killed the patriarch. 

Of course, her circumstances gave her every opportunity to be right next to the action and for her to sabotage it at every turn. The ace detective, played by Daniel Craig doing the world’s strangest southern accent, trusted her to be the “insider’s perspective” and insisted that she help him. So, we as the audience ride along with her as she goes through every nail-biting situation to hide the truth from this clever detective.

Meanwhile, there’s another person who enters on her side. That’s the grandson, who is wild and reckless, and has little to no respect for the family. He felt like a natural ally, even though I suspected him for wanting a piece of the fortune. 

There are several instances when sins of the family come to light. For example, the grandson had an argument conversation (that another family member overheard two pieces of), that made it seem like there was bad blood between them. I’m not sure if these were met as red herrings, however they were wholly ineffective in my book. They were weak motives for murder, were too rushed to be important, but by the time I saw the ending, it did serve a purpose. Just not the one you would think.

So, who actually did it? Well, despite what the movie spent a good 75% of its time on, the nurse did not do it. In fact, the detective figured out that the labels were switched because the actual culprit wanted her to actually kill him. However, the nurse was so practiced that she noticed the weight difference and gave the patriarch the correct medication. It’s then revealed that the actual culprit used the same escape plan as she did, and that’s why both the nurse and the culprit weren’t caught when they used it. I will admit, that having the grandson, the supposed ally, be the real culprit was a good twist. Especially since the story worked just so that there was no evidence that he did it.

That is, until three clues come back to light. One clue was so throw-away that I had forgotten about it. Especially since it was heavily dependent on a clearly senile grandmother. Another was so weak in its execution that I couldn’t help but laugh at it. However, it was the final one that actually cinched this finale together. You see, the ace detective was hired by an outside source (not the police) but he doesn’t know who. The only clue he had was that he was hired before the will was released (and thus before all the family drama had started). 

Remember when the patriarch and the grandson had a fight in private? Turns out that fight was about how the grandson would receive nothing from the will. Who else would think to try and frame the nurse through a private detective BEFORE the will was read? Just the grandson.

That was a satisfying ending to the story, and I was happy to take it. There were so many other things happening. I could argue that too much was happening, but it juggled everything relatively well. One thing I cannot understand, was the fact that the nurse involuntarily threw up when she lied. It worked alright as a tension factor, since she couldn’t lie to the detective. However, I am a little disappointed how it was used in the climax.

Overall, it was a solid film, with good tension and great characters. I would recommend you give a watch if you want to have a nice little murder mystery time.

[casualarsonist]

RDR2 Last Impressions

Click here for my formal review of the game:

https://casualarsonist.tumblr.com/post/179824865660/red-dead-redemption-2-review-ps4

Full disclosure, I haven’t finished RDR2 yet. I’ve put close to eighy hours into the thing, at a guess, and I still haven’t finished it. There was a time I was hoping to 100% it, and while that’s not an impossible task, it is exceedingly time consuming, and not something that I’m ever likely going to care enough to do. The last few hours of my time were spent just begging for it to end, and failing that, I simply reached the point where I finally stopped caring about finding everything, put down the control, and left. Late into my run, once everything in the game finally opened up, I did feel a gentle nudge that gave me the energy where there was none before to keep pursuing the side-activities and challenges. But everything in the game only opens up in the epilogue - the last eight of nearly one hundred hours, once the main story has been completed. It’s unprecedented, in my experience. And it’s impressive, if frustrating. But it’s also incredibly draining to waste so much time trying to figure out ways to do things that you don’t realise can’t be done until after the main part of the game is effectively finished. And by the time the game comes round to letting you have free-reign, it’s been going on far too long for you to care anymore. 

My final impressions of Red Dead Redemption 2 are...mixed. The main issue being that the problems I identified much earlier in my playthrough never resolved themselves, and only became more frustrating as I was exposed to them again and again. My horse never stopped veering into trees, or into rocks, or into people in towns and giving me a wanted level. I never really managed to completely master the temperamental, complicated, and unresponsive controls. The game never stopped feeling like it was a bloated copycat of its predecessor, enslaved by the tropes its towering forerunner established. One of the biggest issues I experienced was during one of the multi-stage side missions that exist in the world to be stumbled upon by unsuspecting travellers. These missions are one of the most valuable parts of the game’s design, filling the world with organic moments that advance themselves with the passing of time, but are unmarked for the player, meaning that your thirst for exploration is the only thing that can help you find and unlock these stories. One of these ambient side-missions involves helping a railway foreman with the construction of part of the line. You have to track down an employee stealing from him, and later chase off some aggressive competitors, and after a time the construction of the railway is supposed to progress along its intended route until it’s finished. Mine did not. Instead, after I had cleared the land for the company’s advance, my railway just up and disappeared. I first discovered this when I unwittingly rode into a sky-coloured chasm in the ground, tumbling for a good 30 seconds before reloading the game. Once, maybe twice, a blank, featureless ridge of flattened gravel would load in, but nine times out of ten, it would simply be a void - a massive hole in the ground that let you see through into other parts of the map. If your horse fell in, anything it was carrying would be lost, which caused me to nearly break my controller after I lost the first perfect raccoon skin I’d found in dozens of hours. This void cordoned off an enormous section of the eastern part of the world, meaning that if ever I wanted to travel from west to east I’d have to divert my journey by three or four minutes to skirt around it, and if ever I forgot that it was there, well, too bad. This enormous glitch was never fixed in the weeks I played this game, and was a thorn in my side for dozens of hours, and had the game not been quite so long, perhaps this issue wouldn’t have progressed into such frustrating territory, but with the amount of time I spent in its company it became a real burden, which is analagous to much of my experience with RDR2. 

After those eighty hours I felt that the game failed to rise above its flaws. It’s often a breathtaking experience, but it’s a tiresome and frustrating one too. Which isn’t to say that it’s not worth the price - I honestly don’t think I’ve ever gotten more of ‘my money’s worth’ out of a game than when playing RDR2; I mean, how can one complain when there’s so much to do? Make no mistake, it’s not that Red Dead lacks value in any kind of tangible sense, but my overall satisfaction in the experience was noticeably waning for something that was seven years in the making and with all that money thrown at it; for something that should have been a generation-defining experience. No, sadly, what RDR2 represents is a triumph of efforts and budgets beyond anything else. It’s a testament to what a massive team of developers and artists can do with infinite money, as much as it is a testament to the bloated product of such a lengthy and ambitious project. For all its virtues, RDR2 is not a particularly well-made game. In fact, all the apocryphal tales of its creation simply serve to render more starkly how lacking it is in terms of its core design. It is by far the most cumbersome of Rockstar’s games, easily the least fun to actually play, to control, and while I was initially happy to credit this as a commitment to recreating the slow, methodical pacing of life in the time in which it is set, at this point I’m far more certain that it’s actually just shitty design. Picking up God of War after putting RDR2 down was a breath of fresh air, and as Kratos smashed his fist through the lid of chests in order to wholly retrieve whatever spoils lay within, I came to realise that having to watch Arthur crouch down, creak open a lid, and one-by-one take out each individual item again and again and again had left me somewhat traumatised. God of War is an engaging experience, but rarely forces the player into inconvenience for the sake of immersion; it only ever asks you to do things that it plans on rewarding you for doing. Every chest has a useful item in it, every corner of the game has something worth seeing. Collectibles are hidden, but not obscured, and in following your instincts you can find treasures that are both practical enhancements to your character, and small emotional rewards that positively reinforce your behaviour. There is plenty of exploration to be done, but there are no true dead-ends. There is a point to everything. And while the hack-and-slash genre is, in my opinion, mechanically crude and difficult to innovate, God of War is a superbly refined product. RDR2 is not. 

I would compare it to assembling a ten-thousand piece puzzle. There’s a certain respect that such a mammoth undertaking earns, undoubtedly. Whether you enjoy that kind of thing or not, you can’t help but admire it. But it’s an activity of diminishing returns, and after a while you find yourself just looking at the box to see the finished product. In the same way, after a time I wanted to skip out on RDR2 and read the wiki. In lieu of that, I found myself just railroading the story missions towards the end, which isn’t difficult, given that the entire second half of the game is a series of dumb shooting galleries. There’s a very clear turning point, after which literally every single mission follows the same formula, and that formula always revolves around killing everything in sight, which feels even more out of place given that it runs parallel to your character more frequently voicing his doubts about the gang’s brutality. It’s no coincidence that during this latter half of the story is where it becomes abundantly clear that the game’s shooting mechanics are terrible. Lock on, fire, lock on, fire, for five to ten minutes straight. All depth falls out of the bottom of the gameplay, and it feels like the team either ran out of time or inspiration and just phoned in the final ten hours of the main story. When the game finally reaches its climax, the tension in the story is squandered as it forces you into a pointless, repetitive, and overlong fist-fight, and then things finish up with little sense of closure. For those that played RDR1, Marston’s death feels like a fitting, if crushing, end point for that character. But there is little of that sense of satisfying drama here. Instead, the game’s epilogue, rather than wrapping up loose ends, takes the place of the ending of the third act. Again, while I might have initially thought of it as a bold move, that feeling quickly wore away in favour of the opinion that it’s just shit writing. 

It’s not entirely mismanaged, though. The fact that the game forces the player to follow through with the debt collections for a long time before offering a choice, and then eventually forcing them to let the debtors go, is an example of the gameplay smartly imparting the definite shift in Morgan’s personality. It understands your discomfort at having to enforce them, and then slowly changes its own rules to reflect the changing mindset of the character. And the game is superb at retrofitting a backstory to the existing characters carried backwards from RDR1: Dutch’s final speech of RDR1 is repeated almost verbatim here as a ploy to get himself out of a bind, and in that moment completely redefines his end in the first game from a man musing on his own animal nature, to a shyster, full of empty words and devoid of real convictions and values; a pathetic human being. But for the largest part, the moments of genuine pathos are disrupted by the irreverence of the world, or by the repetition of ideas for the sake of drawing out the story, or by the disconnect between the narrative and the gameplay.

Red Dead Redemption 2 feels like two games serving separate, conflicting interests. On one hand it’s a third-person survival game that relishes the grind; a slow, methodical approach. It suffers from many of that genre’s flaws, such as unrefined controls, and a struggle to strike a balance between labour and frustration, but its dedication to the realism of its interactivity endears at times. On the other hand, it’s also a typical Rockstar narrative of crime, morality, and revenge - largely humourous, but retrofitted into a bloated body that doesn’t match it. It’s a teenager’s head sewed to an old man’s torso, with a brash intention that its creaking frame can’t properly execute. Rockstar’s writing style is a bad fit for the introspective themes the narrative aims for; the Housers cannot help themselves but plant their tongues firmly in their cheeks, and while the era in which the game is set is ripe for parody, that parody doesn’t mesh with the seriousness of the main character’s struggle. John Marston was a man whose nature was never legitimately contradicted by the gameplay. In RDR2, ‘Arthur Morgan the character’ can be in the middle of a crisis of conscience when the player decides it’s time for ‘Arthur Morgan the avatar’ to start the bandit challenges, leaving a trail of bodies in their wake. It’s just too disjointed. And I don’t care what genre you’re talking about, or what kind of achievements the game itself has earned, a 3:100 story-to-content ratio is never going to offer a wholly satisfying experience. No matter the price, you’ll definitely get your money’s worth here, but whether that’s going to feel like a good thing or a bad thing at the end, well, that’s an outcome a little less certain. 

[zaraehedderman-blog]

Interview: Loah & Behold - Catching Up With Sallay Matu Garnett

Sallay Matu Garnett has been steadily honing her musical style as Loah, over the last five years. During this time she has collaborated extensively with some of Ireland’s prominent musical figures such as Hozier, Glen Hansard and Bantum. Quickly, critics and audiences became increasingly interested in the music she was writing and releasing as a solo artist. Garnett’s music is informed and inspired an eclectic mix of genres that she was exposed to growing up in both Sierre Leone and Ireland. Where there are traces of traditional West African harmonies you can also hear Western influences throughout her repertoire. Such diversity is what makes Loah such an interesting musician because there is no one defining sound that pins her creativity.

Earlier this month, Loah shared her debut EP entitled This Heart, five songs centred on the female experience set to soulful arrangements. Zara Hedderman spoke to her about finding her identity as an artist, the prospect of an album and the collaborative process of making music.

You grew up between Maynooth and Sierra Leone, how have both these, very different, cultures impacted upon your approach to both the composition of melody and lyrical content of your songs?

Essentially I was exposed to everything someone who’d grow up in Maynooth would be; rock, trad and singer-songwriters and, of course, pop and rap megastars that are popular everywhere. I would have listened to a lot of West African and Caribbean music in West Africa that wasn’t being played on our shore, at all. Although when I moved home in my teens my friend found a reggae dancehall night in Temple Bar Music centre that used to play Beenie Man! Needless to say, I was delighted. How this relates back to my process of making music can be traced to the references I make to the harmonies and sounds that I grew up listening to in my tunes and when I choose to use the languages I grew up with. Also, my mum is extremely passionate about music so I grew up in a household where everything was played.

I saw a description of Loah as being your ‘alter-ego’. Why did you choose to make music with the veil of a character or persona? Was it a conscious attempt to create some distance between you and your art or was it a means to delve into writing about things that are maybe outside of your own experiences and/or personality?

I would say it’s more the former than the latter. I feel like my greatest desire – and privilege, given the wonderful circumstances I find myself in – is to express myself. At present, that means music, artistic pursuit. And so Loah is this apparition of me. That could change. My soul might make different demands of me in 10 years time! It would be remiss of me to associate my entire identity with making music.

I like to be able to step away and be Sallay sometimes, who is much more than music, though music is my current love! It also does give me the freedom and permission within that ‘persona’ to extrovert and express perhaps more than I allow myself in my daily life. I grew up and became someone who has worked in a very ‘formal’ and traditional, non-creative profession, so it also helps to have a cloak that I can put on that acts as an escapist route into my imagination away from the more obedient and routine-centric side of myself.

At a young age you were classically trained in playing the violin and as you entered your teens you joined orchestral ensembles, sang in choirs and learned how to play the piano which led to you writing songs. Did you grow up in a house where music was omnipresent and instilled into you from your parents?  

Absolutely. Both my parents adore it but especially my mum – she is so widely listened, has such enthusiasm and delight for so much of the arts and that rubbed off. She also drove me to innumerable music lessons, concerts and encouraged me to practice with the patience of a saint and the gentle encouragement of a true coach. I really don’t know how she did it sometimes, I wonder if she had one of those Time-Travel watches Hermione gets in one of the Harry Potter books so she can turn back time to fit in more stuff!

Do you think that your constant participation in musical outlets such as choirs and the Trinity Orchestra gave you more confidence to pursue music as a career and perform in front of large crowds of people and also teach you how to work collaboratively?

I would say yes to all of the above. I also fronted a band in college called Jazzberries which helped me explore moreso the kinds of gigs I do now. Still though, when I started putting out videos as Loah I wasn’t very confident – I didn’t fully feel like a lead ‘artist’ or a musician, if you will. I’m still growing into that self-concept because there is always more work to be done, to be written, and I have lots to learn.

But I am more confident in my capacity to learn and change now and that’s where my confidence comes from, knowing that I have it in me to always grow creatively and meet new career and personal challenges.

In the last few years you have done a lot of collaborative work with several esteemed Irish musicians such as Bantum and Hozier. Do you approach how you work on other people’s music differently to when you are creating your own music?

Yes! It’s completely different. I might almost say I prefer collaboration at the moment because I put too much pressure on myself when I work alone. In a collaborative process there is a more clearly defined role for each person, and you’re literally doing half or even a quarter of the work if it’s a band yet you create this amazing thing that has everyone it. Plus it’s often more fun!

That said, sometimes it doesn’t work either. I do think, though, that in a successful collaboration the work can potentially become even more than the sum of its parts because each artist steps even more deeply into their own unique vibe yet totally bounces off something they could never have written themselves, which is innately inspiring.

Following on from that question, how do you feel now that you have launched your debut EP, This Heart, and are alone in presenting your music as wholly individual representations of you? Is that slightly daunting?

It’s less daunting than if I had done it sooner. As I mentioned when I started out I was a little more insecure so launching something would have felt scarier. Now I’m desperate to share work! I’m also surer of myself as a person and a woman, more focussed. I feel I can do both now;  work with others and create alone and that’s a really great place to be. I needed to stand alone and go through that rocky road in order to graduate to this place though.

This Heart has been in the making for a while prior to its release earlier this month. Was there any particular reason why you didn’t rush the release of these five songs?

I was slightly in the public eye from the moment I released my first video, first song online. It got a great reception, way more than anticipated, but I wasn’t as ‘formed’ and secure a performer as the song themselves seemed. Bearing in mind I had literally just come out of studying Pharmacy in college.

Also, during that time I didn’t know how I worked best, how I sang best. There were so many things I needed to figure out. I think an EP was expected of me so I kept mentioning it, but I didn’t really feel like doing one for ages. I just wanted to gig, to be on stage and perform in front of an audience. There were band line-up changes. Most artists hide away and work on their sound and do all this stuff in the background, then release something out of nowhere so it seems like it hasn’t been a long time in the making. Whereas I made the ‘making of’ public, gigging and such and promoting every step of the way very visibly.

Honestly, I’ve been amazed by how interested people have been in my journey, and it has meant that there is a bigger appetite for my work than if I had sprang it on people out of the blue. I’ve taken as much time to grow as many artists I know, but just more publicly. I am confident I can connect with people in any gig setting now which has always been super important to me, and now I’m converting that to record as best I can. Also I did some acting in the meantime which was something I really wanted to explore, which has taken time away from music a bit but has also grown me as an artist. I needed to take the journey I’ve taken and I feel good about releasing now.

Anytime your name is mentioned in conversation people seem to instinctively react by solely saying, ‘Cortège’. What is the significance of this song to you? Why do you think that it resonates so strongly to Irish audiences, especially as the words are written and sung in the Sierra Leone languages Sherbro and Mend?

I often ask myself the same question! It’s definitely one of those songs that I feel ‘wrote me’ rather than the other way round. It came, at first, quite effortlessly and it always dictated that it should be Sherbro and Mende. As a result, I sing it with total conviction and the intention of the song – about feminine energy – is very clear in me, so it rings true to people.

Oumou Sangare is one of my favourite artists, she sings in Bambara (a language in Mali) and that has only ever been beautiful to me, rather than strange despite not being able to fully understand it. Listening to her all along as well as loads of other West African artists whose language I don’t speak actually gave me the confidence to write this song. It was as much written for Oumou herself, who is also a renowned activist for the rights of African women, and for my mum who showed me Oumou’s music, as my audience.

What is the most important thing to you when you are writing a song, especially the lyrics that you are going to deliver to the listener? Are you always conscious of your audience when you are writing?

Never. In times when I’m conscious of my audience, I don’t write at all! It has to be just between me and the song in the initial stages. Then I feel free enough to be honest lyrically. Considering the audience’s subsequent perception and reaction comes slightly later. I have adjusted tunes once they’re written so I feel more comfortable singing them in public. There is also the fact that an emotion you describe lyrically may be so real to you now – particularly darker ones – but it may not ring true in a while and so it needs to be crafted in a way that you yourself can keep connecting to later on and even deliver with conviction to an audience years after the fact. I’ve read Sinead O’Connor say, for example, that she doesn’t sing ‘Troy’ anymore because she doesn’t connect to the energy of it, but she can always, always connect to ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ and sing it with gusto. I am always conscious of that when I am performing.

You have defined your musical style as ArtSoul. What exactly is ArtSoul comprised of and what does it embody?

Artsoul simply means soul music, that incorporates the scope of all the musical art I love. I feel it’s still soul music but it might feature the classical harmony I played as a child, the folk that makes me sing, the blues I resonate with, the rhythms that move me, the poetry and languages that grips me, that my mind pieces together. All of it!

Have you been working on an album? If so, what have been your core inspirations and influences for the material you’re working on?

I am working on a second EP, first. But, I promise it won’t be as long coming as This Heart! I have a better handle on how I work now so I can streamline the process. I know my recorded voice more intimately, what sounds I’m getting into more. The next set of tunes is much groovier and rhythm-driven. Currently, I’ve been listening to a lot of afrobeat and hip-hop and  generally having more fun in life, I’ve been more sociable than I have been in years! So it will reflect all that and the band will be more involved so it’s set to be more collaborative. I’m really looking forward to hearing the finished product.

What are your plans for the summer, will you be playing a lot of gigs and festivals?

Yep! A couple of festival gigs such as Body and Soul, Electric Picnic, Galway Arts, Clonmel Junction. Aside from that I’m going to be writing tunes for the next series and doing some exciting collaborations. After some really challenging months I’m feeling so thankful and so good about life at the moment and looking forward to making more sweet tunes. It’s a really exciting time for me and my music.

http://thethinair.net/2017/05/loah-and-behold-catching-up-with-sallay-matu-garnett/

Originally Published on The Thin Air, May 2017.

[casualeclectica]

Why?… (in response to a good friend asking, post-Trump inauguration)

First off, I respect you greatly for calling for clarification.

I do not just heedlessly jump on the liberal train or follow my friends to “keep the peace” or “avoid drama”.

I am not one to unquestioningly follow.

Even in the Army, after basic…I was sent to Hawaii…spent 2 weeks in reception where the SGT there tried to hammer into us, “Keep your head down…keep those uniforms tight…salute and just do what you’re told!” Guess what…my first week in my actual unit, I was promoted and reported straight to my battery officer each day and helped arrange training schedules and duty rosters, why? Because when I went in to speak to the Sergeant Major that first day, I was the only one of the incoming group who did NOT parrot the same reasons for joining the military…”To be the best SM!…To become a Sgt Major, Sgt Major!…To kick ass SGT Major…To serve our country sgt major!…blah blah blah butt kiss Sgt Major!” My answer was simple…”To experience the world as a soldier and see how I can make a difference in this way…SGT Major…”. The next day, my platoon sergeant called me out of formation and told me to report to our Commander…

I was raised by a very strong, independent woman (I was adopted when I was 2) who not only raised me and my brother but also over a dozen foster children, one other who was adopted as my sister. My mother ran the Northwoods Humane Society for many years when I was a child so I was exposed to caretaking of wildlife, environmental conservation efforts, heck I don’t remember it, but she says that when I was a toddler, she marched in a GreenPeace protest with me in a stroller! When I was ten we moved to Eau Claire, WI where I completed grade school. During this time, my mother worked on many community projects, started an after-school kids club, and was on the City Council for 12 years I believe. I, along with school, choir, and other activities, very much enjoyed being involved, even as a kid. I did camera work for the local Public Access TV station for several years learning basic filmography as well as video editing and tv station operation, even aired a fun little craft show episode with an older lady making bead animal key chains. I was involved in set-up and operation of several local festivities, school events, recorded local government sessions.

Now, my mom is a die-hard text-book far-left, liberal, ride or die democrat…and yes, many of my views may be influenced by that…but besides that, I have retained my individual versions of the same views. I do not believe that either side is wholly right or wrong…I do not believe that the system is set up out of concern for you, me, or any individual citizen. The cops, congress, judges, none of them are there to serve US…they are there to maintain and enforce a system (which ideally Should server US)…an outdated and very riddled system, built on old ways, hard-headedness, silly rules and laws put in place because setting an unnecessary law with unreasonable punishment is easier than a judge actually making a common-sense ruling. I am also heavily influenced by the law, morality, and ethics courses which I have attended over the years…as these have instilled in me, what I perceive to be a rather neutrally controlled aspect of right and wrong.

To actually answer your questions as much as I can at this time…

I cannot say that your feelings of support for Trump are unfounded or wrong (this leads to many arguments that I have even with other liberals and activists, many do not look at the other side of the situation with the proper question of “why do THEY think they are right?” as you yourself have asked me)…

I do not wholly know your situation, your upbringing, or your true feelings toward other people or situations…

More than being against Trump, the entity, himself….I am wholly and forever against what has been coined as a small population of Americans who now, influenced by Trump’s campaign and current statements, believe that it is okay to be racist, hateful, un-humanitarian, generally everything, EVERYTHING, I was taught was bad in the world…and now there are people, who because of Trump’s messages and implications, openly express this hate and such that have been termed by nations worldwide to be inappropriate, un-civil, and in a word, bad…

I will not sit here and say Trump is stupid…he’s obviously not! It takes some intelligence to lose several businesses to bankruptcy and still remain one of the most esteemed and valuable people on the planet… one of us misses a mortgage payment and life is hell til we’re paid up!

Borders is a fragile issue for any country…

First, I believe we are coming to an age where borders should be starting fade…with communication, trade, nearly no war as far as national, and relations, til now, pretty good…are countries truly an idea that is relevant now? This administration seems hell bent on rolling the clock backward on this and many other things. My concern is that it seems we are taking a several hundred year step backward with the intentions of the Trump administration.

Besides that, no, I do not believe “uncontrolled” borders are a good idea and I support heavily enforced immigration…but I do support immigration.

Diversity, immigration itself, hospitality are all things that made America a beacon of hope and a symbol of freedom to the world. Closing our doors, cutting ties, halting aid efforts and denying asylum…these are the marks of a selfish, nationalist, country…North Korea does exactly this…to the extreme, but yes this.

The immigration process in place right now, even refugee transference, is actually a very long and arduous process!

My feelings on terrorism being a reason to restrict immigration further? Well, if someone is hell-bent on making a terrorist statement…they will! Any system we put in place will have some kind of hole, sleeper cells from the cold war could very well still be awaiting orders possibly even passed to offspring…nothing but “NO IMMIGRATION” POLICY will prevent such deep convicted action…but as the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, can we righteously shut off immigration and continue to be the nation we see ourselves as?

I am for true freedom, true unity, true equality and the fight and/or progress to those ends…anything besides those, I am against!

This is what I believe is right.

Trump has never lived on the same plane of existence as any of us! I really don’t understand how it can be believed that a man with his name on Towers around the world, who gold-encrusts the rooms of his apartments and homes (all plural), has been depicted as a comic-book “rich a-hole” character since we were all kids, who is having his wife and son stay in their NY home, at tax payer expense, to “ease the transition” for his son and wife because it is absolutely a STEP DOWN FOR THEM TO MOVE TO THE WHITE HOUSE (thus any impeachment or such wouldn’t exactly be a punishment for him since he can just go back to his palaces and money)!!!

How?…How does this in ANY way relate to the common citizen? To the average worker? To those who did or were expected to vote for him (of course it was the very system HE claimed to be “rigged” that elected him…NOT The People, We did not elect him as the popular vote shows…)?

If I am allowed only one statement as to why I did not vote for him, it would be that, sorry, I can’t relate to him in really any way besides, yes, the system needs to change. Yes, I hope, HOPE, he doesn’t fuck things up! I hope he actually flips again (the amount of and the things he has turned on should be alarming to everyone!), and shows true concern for the citizens and well being of the nation…

I watched the inauguration…many said to boycott, but I need to keep an eye on this!

I watched, and I saw a new Soviet Union being announced…I saw North Korea being introduced….I saw a dictator, with his generals lined up behind him, just saying “we are tearing the system apart!” No plans, no assurances, it was a religion weaved, call to arms, war on everyone, Nationalist-Fascist (at least the Nazis had the Socialist facade at first), utter horror show of a national address, I hoped to never witness in my or my descendents existences!

I agree, we need change, we need to truly “drain the swamp”…but filling it with crocodiles and snakes does not seem right…Wall Street bankers…CEO’s…people known to have ties to HATE GROUPS…these are what run the country now…and you don’t understand my problem?!

One of the signs I saw in pictures of the Women’s Marches that really touched me was one held by a little old woman in a wheel chaire, it read, “90 yrs old, and I STILL have to fight for Equal Rights?”

The pussy hats…the burning crap…the insults…those are all people venting…people need to express themselves and what is wrong is that things are SO BAD THAT THESE ARE THE ONLY WAYS MANY PEOPLE FEEL THEY CAN BE HEARD!

Comments of “move on”, “accept”, “he’s your president now, get over it” all show very precisely the problem we are calling out!

Do our voices not matter? Do our opinions have no weight?

Are we a nation that should just cow-tow to whoever is in charge because “that’s just how it is?” (because conservatives sure didn’t during the entire Obama administration…just google “anti-obama signs”).

I post, share, and participate in these things because I will always do what I believe is the truly right thing.

I don’t believe in mob decisions, I don’t believe in trend followings, I don’t even just curb my tongue because “Grandma may have a problem”, I believe what I believe and stand behind what I do and say no matter who I am around or who may hear it. People liike to say “I say what I want!” and “I’m the most straight-forward person you’ll ever meet!” when all they actually mean is, I’ll act exactly as comfortable as I feel like acting and I don’t care about manners…except in certain situations and around certain people. This is not so for me, I have and show a base level of respect at all times, I swear on occasion but not out of “outspokenness”, out of admitted bad habit, and I apologize. I say that I stand for something, and if a real opportunity to support it arises, I do it!

This is how I have always been.

You know, I spent some time in Texas as an adult, I was born there but hadn’t been back since a baby, and while I rode bulls, traveled to beaches, experienced a lot!

The one thing I remember most, was when me and a buddy (who I stayed with a while) were doing a day labor job, just for something to do and some extra beer money. We were on a construction clean-up assignment.

Me, my buddy (who was like poster boy texas white frat bro type) and several men of apparent hispanic influence got to the site. My buddy and the others called the supervisor “boss” or “hoss” while I called him “Sir”…I don’t know if it was a northern attitude difference or what but I couldn’t say “Boss”. I asked what the orders were and was told just to grab whatever wasn’t attached to something else and get it in a dumpster. I said I was on it.

I worked all morning…the others trolled about picking up odds and ends, taking smoke breaks, sitting on phones, working but not working…my buddy spent all morning chatting with the “boss”.

I cleaned out 3 floors of the gutted building myself that morning…the others got 1, and after lunch my buddy pulled me aside and said “you’re workin too hard man, don’t worry about the afternoon, we’re listening to the game on the “boss”s radio, let “them” finish up”…now I looked at him and all I could say was “What? Why?”

…now, you do remember I am not white right? I am of mixed background and have black hair, brown eyes, and light tan complexion…

Well this guy leans in and says…”cuz we’re white dude!…let the mexicans do it…we’re gettin paid no matter what…”

I looked at him and said, “You just lost my respect man…I am not white! I may not be mexican, and I may speak proper english…but I am not going to work or be hanging with you!”

I walked off the work site…grabbed my stuff from his place, and went on my way…THAT is who I am…even though the other men were not even working how I was…I was not about to even think I was better than them, deserved anything different, or thought of the job differently. I was there to do a job and not judge others…that’s what I see life as…

At a very basic level…why is it okay and protected, that acknowledged Hate groups like the KKK (extreme white supremacy) or even the Black Panthers (extreme black takeover from their actions, not the ACLU and not sanctioned by other peaceful groups) have been free to march openly for their causes and beliefs of hate and racism through our nation’s capitol…but it is not okay, and made fun of, for me to walk with a sign showing MY opinion.

What I am against are double standards…mistruths…and things that we can all agree are bad things.

I have walked right by Trump supporters rallying in my town…been yelled at to “Go Home!”…my girlfriend was at one, taking pictures for her photography class, she was spit on because they thought she was “with the media” and would “portray them badly”…which they seemed to do well enough themselves…

No, not all conservatives are bad…not all republicans are bad…but they are being represented by those who ARE bad in their actions and messages and influence! Oh, and yes, supporting them, either actively or passively, will bring you to question in many people’s minds.

We live in a socialist republic with layers of democracy entwined…good business is good…good people are good…really, I believe that if the question needs asked as to whether something is good or not…it’s generally not.

I would be all for Real compromise, Real unity, Real negotiation, Real government…heck I would be happy for our nation to just simply decide whether or not it IS a racist nation…a religious nation…which religion…a war-like or peaceful nation…a productive nation…a cooperative nation…but it’s like everything that could describe a nation, America is in flux over!

Land of the free…except the millions incarcerated for minor offenses and the utter dependency on the credit industry and wall street…

Home of the brave…except many who would be brave are cowed into submission, even our heroes, soldiers, many come “home” to not be able to afford a “home” or even the care they may need to be healthy…

Land of opportunity…really only if your cards fall right, hard work actually gets few people much further than a dead end job, maybe with health insurance and some fragile attempt at retirement benefits which are always changing and the hope of maybe a 1 week vacation out of state once a year…

Land of diversity…We are, but it seems like many don’t want to be, stereotypes are exploited and often encouraged, descrimination is rampant, we spent too much effort learning the word Tolerate, and not enough time learning mutual acceptance and respect…

No, even church go-ers, those who preach tolerance, love, acceptance on a podium, dress up nice on Sundays and Holidays and kneel to a higher power, how are these some of the most judgmental, in a land of the free, practicing a religion of love, peace, and non-violence…?

What IS America? Are we just going to be a maybe-improved-version of old Russia? Are we going to start the American Empire, maybe we are jealous that other societies have such a further history than us and we must play catch-up by making every mistake they did over thousands of years, in a mere few hundred? I don’t know what it is…but I will not stand for it.

I can’t be okay with constants of “Now I’m not racist, but [something racist here]” or “I’m the last to judge, being a Christian, but [judgment of someone else here]”…you are OR you’re not!

America is like the rebel teenager of the world, with the never gonna die attitude and the definatley-not-ready for the big leagues brain…and now with direct permission to “just be an asshole, let it all out, do drugs, be nasty, jump off a cliff” kind of parenting from a leader who has nothing to lose and really doesn’t care about any of us, because in his gold-encrusted Towers, he is not one of us…and never will be. He has never lived by the same laws or the same expectations as a normal citizen, and now he is the figurehead of the nation, the main spokesman yelling to the rest of the planet “I AM AMERICA, I SPEAK FOR AMERICANS, AND I SAY SCREW YOU,WE DO WHAT WE WANT!”

I can’t, I won’t.

I may be ridiculed by many…I may one day, even be arrested…but I can promise you, as myself and how I believe.

I will not harm anyone if it is not necessary.

I will not show unwarranted disrespect.

I will not break any just laws.

My children, and their children will not be able to say our family stood by and did nothing.

I do and will make a difference.

Why should it be a peaceful transition to a nation of discrimination and hate?

Should I just accept that because of our skin color, my son and I will probably have to show our ID if we travel within US borders while others do not?

Should I just accept that statements have been made that those who even peacefully protest or voice opinion may be prosecuted?

While these may not come to reality, they have been stated by current administration, and I cannot respect or follow those who would believe these things to be good.

Take from this what you will…you have your views.

I have to say, share, do, and influence what I believe to be right…

I hope this at least gives you a glimpse as to my stand on the matter.

~D.A. Stanley 1/23/2017

originally posted to https://medium.com/@dastanley/why-in-response-to-a-good-friend-asking-post-trump-inauguration-f6f532bdcf8a#.x5jdotosn