#it is extremely fascinating to me and i love picking apart characters to begin with but this is picking apart characters PLUS MYTHOLOGY

[aroaceleovaldez]

i think there is a fundamental misunderstanding people make when approaching Jason’s character, but to explain it I must first go on a tangent -

One of the things that’s really interesting with the demigod characters is that, while they are independent personality-wise of their divine ancestors, and their personality is never fully reflective of their divine ancestors, demigods still always have personality traits that are strongly related to an aspect of their divine ancestor(s). For a lot of demigod character this is even the same trait that presents itself in different ways, particularly in CHB. Demeter kids tend to be rooted - usually presenting as them being stubborn and resistant to change or opposing opinions. Apollo kids tend to be self-focused. Hades kids tend to be driven by their relationships/bonds to others. Percy and Tyson are the only Poseidon kids, but Percy’s seems to be that outwardly he appears to be an unpredictable wildcard, when this is not necessarily true. The sea is not wholly unpredictable - if you learn it, you will learn the patterns that drive it, and that it is subject to many outside influences (the moon, the sun, winds, etc). It just looks unpredictable to those who do not bother to learn (which, btw, is a GREAT metaphor for ADHD imo).

Jason and Thalia represent two specific spheres for Zeus/Jupiter (and in Jason’s case, Hera/Juno as well). Thalia is Zeus as King of the gods. She is a natural leader. She works well in leadership positions and tends to lead logically. This is why she’s the lead Huntress of Artemis.

Jason does not represent Jove and Juno as King and Queen of the gods. Jason represents Juno and Jove as mother and father of the gods. This is why he tends to fall naturally into leadership positions in groups but simultaneously struggles in them in some scenarios but not others. He dislikes leading an army and being seen as perfect and above others because he is not acting from the perspective of a king, he is acting from the perspective of a member of a family unit. He is not the leader of an army, he is a wolf in a pack. He leads emotionally. He’s protective of his group. Yes, he is a bit of a dad-friend! But at the same time he is adverse to putting himself above the group! Yes, he falls into leadership positions, but only to a certain degree. He works best in a group he’s familiar with. He works better in smaller groups.

To Thalia those specifics don’t matter, because she’s not working from a more personal perspective like Jason does. Thalia could lead groups Jason is normally put in charge of, but Jason would not be able to lead Thalia’s groups. But also Thalia is not devoid of Zeus-as-a-father-god traits either! That was basically her entire dynamic with Annabeth (and Luke)! And Jason isn’t wholly devoid of Jupiter-and-Juno-as-rulers-of-the-gods either, he is capable of tapping into that- and he does so! But he is always primarily Jove-and-Juno-as-parents-of-the-gods first and foremost.

And that’s a really interesting character trait to play with! It’s so cool picking apart characters and seeing how they embody traits and aspects of their divine ancestors! And you can lean into that in so many things! If you’re writing meta/character analysis, if you’re writing a specific character for a fic or something, if you’re making a demigod OC - heck, I use this sort of analysis of what traits are common for demigods of specific divine ancestors for assigning cabins/etc to characters (and people, if I am requested to do so).

[sircarebearalot]

Guys I need help for a fic

If anyone knows:

- for how long did Corrupted!Carmen operate for VILE!

- what specific heists she pulled

- how old she was at the time (and how old Jules was)

In case anyone is curious (or interested in being a beta!!! Dm me!!) I’m writing a fic exploring that Carmen in canon divergent setting where she stalks a blue coat (Julia) to her home and discovers that the woman knows her and is quite clever

Then, over the time leading up to the eye of Vishnu, she steadily becomes more obsessed.

Here are my notes:

Very messy,, sorry 😣

Okay, let me walk you through the ideas/outline!!! (this is kind of for me bc i perform better with a 'audience')

OVERALL: brainwashed carmen falls in love with julia

NOTES ON CORRUPTED!!CARMEN:

Driven by emotion

Quick to react

Everything she feels is distorted to suit power and her warped mind. So what she feels towards Jules before resurfaces harshly but all wrong.

(She's gonna be very yandere!!!)

So our Carmen respected Jules, but now she feels the respect and it's all twisted so she's thinking shit like— she’s my only equal, or at least, she's the only one anyone near my level

And our Carmen admired Jules, a similar tone, but it takes on a more fascinated in a mechanical sense. Like Jules is some kind of unique specimen. Carmen is thinking, She's different from other. She's made for me.

And our Carmen, for the purposes of the fic, was in love with Jules. Or at least, damn near close to it. Maybe she was even just really really fond, to be more canon compliant. So, that affection morphs and is put through the most toxic extreme. Corrupted!!Carmen is so goddamn possesive. Really caveman (she is mine grrr) and 'VERONICA OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE VERONICA OPEN THE DOOR', like, that bad.

And ofc our Carmen was intrigued by Julia. loved her facts and passion and paid her close attention. Corrupted!!Carmen has no chill and she is like, obsessed. Like yandere obsessed. Like, watches her sleep and takes scans of her internal health constantly to make sure she's healthy. It's freaky, i'm trying to emphasize.

And, she's gonna hunt Julia down bc just like her father, the lone wolf, she does as she pleases and she leaves often to be with her booboo. (Unlike, dexter, the faculty are secure in her mind wipe to be concerned)

So... I described her to you!! Now, let me show you some ROUGH snippets I had as concept bits but I might actually include.

If you rather drop it here and hang around for the actual fic, this is our stop!! this is more for a potential beta and well, me :D. but if ur invested pls stick around

This fic will have:

toxic behavior from Carmen obv (she's like mind fucked)

it's not gonna be romantic

NO SEX

pov alterations

(S4E7) Moment of Canon Divergence

Carmen knew she was being followed.

She looks down, from her vantage on the building to see a higher up blue coat turn to her. Then, to Carmen’s astonishment, a soft smile blooms on the woman's face.

Carmen waits for the officer to show interest in attack, and when she doesn’t— she leaves.

As protocol demands.

Snippet #1: (beginning? sort of a little after carmen confronts julia in her home and is now picking her apart for answers)

"Don't act like you haven't been watching me, Jules."

Julia tucks her chin into her scarf, hiding her face... hiding her grimace. When her Carmen had coined that nickname it felt like some of the cavernous distance between them had been bridged. A play at familiarity. Now, the nickname felt a bit cheap. Like this Carmen was looking for leverage, a way to manipulate her for secrets.

Snippet #2: (just to incorporate other characters)

Graham's gaze flickers from Carmen, to Julia, and to Carmen's vice-like grip on her wrist.

He opens his mouth to say something, protest maybe, but Carmen beats him to it. Within seconds she pins Graham to the wall, speaking to him under her breath harshly.

He looks nearly gray when he moves out of her reach and stumbled backwards, away.

Snippet #3:

"Do you get it? VILE cannot know about you. Do you understand me? Forget ACME. Forget VILE. You only need to think of me."

Julia was grateful that Carmen did not look desperate or upset. No, like always Carmen's gaze was steely and unflinching. It helped. On the odd ocassion before, when Julia had let herself think of Carmen in that light, she had always picked her soft and sweet. Julia doesn't think she was wrong to think so. After all, this isn't the Carmen Julia had cared for.

This Carmen was a stranger. A dangerous one.

"I need a job, Carmen."

"You don't. I'll handle it all."

This would make communicating with ACME infinitely harder, with her constantly operating under Carmen's nose. But not impossible, and that was enough for now.

"What about my interests? If I don't do something I'll go mad."

Carmen crosses her arms. "What do you want?"

"My academic career."

"No."

Julia blinks, taken aback.

"Too many people. Too many factors. No way."

Julia fights back the urge to cry, or scream. Instead, she says, "Then my blog. My academic blog.*" She fights back a sob, or a snarl. "Please. I need it."

Looking incredibly agitated, Carmen bites out, "Fine."

"Thank you," Julia whispers, surprised and sickened by how much she means it. "Thank you, Carmen. This means so much to me. It makes me so happy."

Carmen's gaze darkens, eyes going nebulous. Insistently, she says, “I only need you, Jules. You’re the only one that understands me.”

Ironic because Julia had always felt that Carmen was more a mystery than a person. Julia forces a smile on her face as a compromise.

"I wish I understood you better."

Carmen knows the smile is forced. They both know. But the smile was Julia's compliance and that is all Carmen wants now.

"I wish you only needed me. Like I do you."

Julia's smile went somewhat shakier when she says, "I'm sure it's only a manner of time."

The way Julia said it... it nearly sounded like a guarantee.

Carmen forces herself into Julia's arms and tucks her face into the crook of Julia's neck.

Julia suppressed her shudder.

"Let's see how patient I am, hmm?" **

Snippet #4: (dialogue heavy-- needs heavy editing--, near the end... this is part of Julia's plot to manipulate CArmen into ACME to be fixed by the mind machine)

Julia is far too used to Carmen parking herself in the armchair besides Julia's bed to watch her sleep. Carmen's gaze on her is alert and hungry, waiting for any discrepancy.

“Carmen,” Julia murmurs, sitting up slowly. Allowing Carmen to track the movements. Julia takes the glass of water at her bed stand and peers into the clear liquid. After a long moment, she finally asks, “Carmen, would you kill for me?”

“Just say the word.”

The response had not an iota of hesitation. Julia had expected as much. She powers forward, watching Carmen's even breathing.

“Would you die for me?”

“I’d die with you. I’d kill to avenge you. It seems sort of useless to die for you, though. You’d live, yes, but then I wouldn’t be there to appreciate you. Someone else might… " Carmen goes tense, and Julia ducks her head. "Jules.”

Gaze carefully on her glass, Jules says “Yes?”

“Jules, would you let someone else replace me at your side?“

Carmen's voice is sharper and harder than the diamonds she steals so often.

“No," Julia says, well-rehearsed. "Of course not. How could anyone compare to you? No one knows me better than you. No one ever will.”

“Alright,” Carmen says, not believing her but not disbelieving her either. (Because a part of Julia means it. Maybe. In a twisted sort of way. No one will ever pay her such close attention--as unnerving and frightening as it is-- and no one will ever know her as well.) "Good. If someone else had you... I'd have to kill them."

She says it casually, easily, like it's a fact. It is but Julia knows the look in Carmen's eye, the watching look. Like she's waiting for Julia to react negatively. Like she's searching for resistance.

Julia doesn't give a reaction, and instead asks, “What about me then? If I died?”

Another immediate response:

“I'd burn the world down to avenge you. Everything.”

Julia snorts. "Everything but VILE."

Carmen hesitates, then says, almost more to herself, "Even then..."

Julia ignored “But what of natural causes then?“

“I don’t believe in coincidence," Carmen says dismissively, relaxing quickly. She must consider this as pleasurable, as a game of hypotheticals. As if Julia was finally leaning into Carmen's brand of affection. "There’s always someone responsible. An authority to blame.”

“What about cancer then?“ Julia asks cassually.

Carmen chuckles, amused. “You don’t have cancer, Jules. I checked last night. You're such a worrier.”

The fondness was nearly authentic and that... That is far more terrifying than anything else Carmen has ever pulled.

“I’m asking hypothetically.”

“Well, then I’d kill the doctor for failing you.”

“Even if there’s nothing that can be done?”

“Yes.”

She swallows. “What if it’s my own fault then? What if my incompetence brought upon my own death?”

Carmen’s gaze hardened, looking more suspicious. “You mean suicide?"

"No," Julia says quickly, careful not to upset Carmen. "No. Not that. But, say I slipped and fell down the stairs. Something anti-climatic. Something completely my fault."

"If that's all it takes then you are not my equal," Carmen says evenly. "Then you're not the Jules I want.”

Relief sweeps through Julia like a tidal wave. She beams at Carmen.

Carmen's eyebrows shoot up. "Did I answer right?"

"I have one more scenario for you." Julia raises the glass to her mouth and drinks, faking confidence. The cup clatters on the bedside table as she sets it down, betraying her nerves. "After this, I'll be sure of this."

Carmen rolls her shoulders back, like this is all a game. Even her gaze is competitive, a mean gleam shining.

“Carmen.”

“Yes?”

“You’re so patient with me,” Julia exhales.

Carmen softens. “That’s because you are my one and only.”

“Then you must save me, right?”

Julia grins again. This time her teeth are a bit bloodied. Carmen freezes, gaze like darts.

“What do you mean? Are you endangered?”

For the first time, Carmen looks hesitant to touch her.

“Six hours ago," Julia narrarrated. "I swallowed a pill… a very potent poison once activated. I… I just activated it. The antidote can only be found in the ACME headquarters, in their lab." Betrayal flashes in Carmen's eyes and Julia hurries to finish her sentence, before the toxins render her useless. "I have two hours, if I’m lucky, before there is irreversible damage to my vital organs.”

Carmen was apoplectic. "Julia."

“Prove it to me, Carmen. Prove to me that you love me.”

Now Carmen grabs at her, taking the collar of Julia's sleep shirt and shaking her. Now, Julia's body was limp and she flopped in Carmen's grip.

"You doubt me still? You are the cruel one. I'll prove it to you. I'll save you this once, and then, then you will spend a lifetime making it up to me. Understand?"

"G't it."

Notes:

the *, the blog is gonna be how Julia gets in contact with Player and how they devise a plan (he like starts a 'rival' blog that they 'banter' through)

the **, Carmen ends up being endlessly patient. bc her feelings are too obssessove, she doesn't really need Julia to love her back as she just needs Julia around. Also, the don't even kiss or hold hands. Its really just a lot of one-sided hugs, holdings, and face cradlings (except for when julia is trying to manipulate carmen, whcih carmen lets happen bc she liked the touch)

[ripeteeth]

Writing Patterns

Rules: List the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there’s a pattern! Tagged by @perverse-idyll, thanks for tagging me! This is really interesting, especially as I’ve been playing with my writing style and changing it up lately.

1. “A long cloak of night has fallen across the bed.” [Milk Teeth, MDZS, Jiang Yanli/Jiang Cheng. If I’m ENTIRELY honest, this is an inside joke with myself, as an old livejournal friend once described Snape by saying “pick up your long cloak of darkness and get to therapy”, which is a statement I think describes Jiang Cheng quite well.

2. “The trouble with stories is that they don’t always line up quite right.” [Over My Dead Body, MDZS, Wangxian, WIP. I like to bullshit about storytelling and story structure. There’s something fascinating about the interplay of author and reader, and of reminding the reader that they are sitting down to a story. There’s a special charm when the author editorializes and goes off on tangents - such as Victor Hugo in Les Mis - and while I am no Victor Hugo, it IS extremely fun to do.]

3. “‘Please,’ you say, and he likes it when you say it.” [empty, save you and i, Good Omens, Aziraphale/Crowley. I just love the cadence of this and the way it establishes the close, confessional second person POV.]

4. “Naked, wrapped in silk, and turned away on his side.” [say it like you mean it (with your fists for once), Kinnporsche, Gun/Vegas. Does the lyric “why is the bedroom so cold / you’ve turned away on your side” from Joy Division’s Love Will Tear Us Apart haunt you like it does me? I like how this established the feeling of isolation and loneliness.]

5. “This is how it goes.” [Zoetrope, MDZS, songxuexiao. Again with the storytelling.]

6. “The day he meets them is a red-sky day.” [blood, bones, and butter, MDZS, songxuexiao. Red sky at warning, sailors take warning! How else should you introduce my babygirl Xue Yang? I’m realizing a lot of my lines have tucked-in references, allusions, and inside jokes with myself.]

7. “Spring is pale in Revachol.” [Revachol Calling, Disco Elysium, Harry/Kim, WIP. Honestly, I don’t like this line and if I ever rewrite it, I hope to have something that fits better. This doesn’t grab in the way a DE fic should grab the reader. God, this WIP haunts me. Someday I WILL finish it, but it’s been three years since I’ve played the game and I absolutely need to play it again to get a feel for the voices.]

8. “The walk home is lonely.” [long slow love song, TGCF, fengqing, WIP. I really like short first sentences, huh? I suppose this is just brief scene-setting. Mu Qing seems like a guy who takes a lot to open up, so a short opening line suits him.]

9. “He wonders how he’ll die.” [impact, Beyond Evil, lee dongsik/han juwon. I’m proud of this one. I feel like this sets the tone and grabs attention. It’s just a short fic inspired by J.G. Ballard’s Crash, so I can’t think of a better way to begin.]

10. “When Kinn had been a boy, he’d had an old tomcat that liked to sleep in his bed.” [shotgunning, Kinnporsche, vegas/kinn/porsche, WIP. Introduces this as a Kinn character piece.]

Bonus from unposted Frankensmut: “One should not travel these woods alone; the Wild Hunt is strong here, and all are prey.” [Introduction to Natural Philosophy, Frankenstein, The Creature/Victor Frankenstein, WIP. An opening line that promises you that the hunter WILL get his prey. I promise you this.]

What I’m really learning here is that 1. I need to work on finishing my goddamn wips, and 2. wow I really rely on passive voice to open. Huh. Are there any other patterns? Maybe some authorial direction to remind the reader of the story structure. I’ve also got a bit of a penchant for short opening sentences followed by paragraphs that either elaborate on it or negate it, usually heavier in length and description as a counterbalance. Like adding acid to balance fat or sugar. Truthfully, I’ve kinda grown bored with my typical writing style, which is partly why I haven’t posted much fic lately. Art is all about pushing yourself and trying new things and innovating. I’m dead sick of writing present-tense third person limited and am vibing with first and second-person POV, which aren’t fan favorites for fic. I’d also LOVE to try something much more zoomed out, like omniscient third-person.

This was fun! Tagging @brawlite-archive, @iodhadh, @jaggededges123, @rcmclachlan, @weatheredlaw, and @darcylindbergh if you’re vibing, and anyone else who’s interested!

[lmamp]

First Post

I've always been a writer, but now I find myself with the goal of making one 500 word blog post about anything that interests me, and I will do this every day until I go back to college. Such a task is not daunting, at least on paper, but I worry I will run out of things to talk about. Regardless, I begin.

I started "This Is How You Lose the Time War" by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone. It had been sitting on my desk for a little over a week and I figured I should pick it up. Time travel is always different in different forms of media. This one treats each change in the continuum as a different branch (called "strands" in the novel). The strands can be woven together and broken apart depending on different actions taken in various strands. It's fascinating. It appears the space-time continuum can bend and bend and bend without breaking completely, although that may not be the case as I continue reading. I imagine strands eventually come to a close, as most things do.

Time travel is such a difficult concept to wrap my head around. It would require not just bending time, but also bending space. It would require us to literally revert the space around us back to a time when it was different. Going to the future is even more confusing, as it would require us to create a space that doesn't even exist yet. At least going back in time feels a bit more plausible in my head, and for what it's worth, the novel doesn't have any time travel to the future (as far as I know). There's also the question of continuity, though the novel does actual address this when the protagonists are corresponding with one another.

I still don't know how these waring sides started fighting, though I have a feeling it had to do with competing ideologies. I also don't know how they are time traveling either, though they probably both have their own, separate methods, as indicated by the text.

The protagonists navigate a very fractured world and an extremely uncertain future through various forms of meddling in the past to win what seems to be a never-ending war. For two characters that are part of these amorphous collectives, and named after prime colors, they certainly have a lot of personality. Looks like they'll fall in love at some point. While the novel is intriguing it's also a little straight-forward in that sense.

I like time travel stories, in part because I'm almost constantly wishing that I could go back and time and fix something I messed up or redo an interaction that was unfavorable. However, if my invention of time travel led to a time war then I probably would go back in time and convince myself that it was all a very, very bad idea. But would that mean there's a strand where I invent time travel and a strand where I didn't? Who knows

Until next time (ha!)

lmamp (505 words)

[glenrocklibraryteens]

Book List - Top 10 of 2022

Writers & Lovers by Lily King We follow the extremely relatable Casey Peabody as she navigates two types of grief: the loss of a mother and the loss of a relationship via breakup. The book is fast paced and takes place on the outskirts of Boston. I am recommending this book because it was one of the books I read the quickest! It was very interesting and I have heard that Toni Collete is set to direct its movie rendition!

These Violent Delights by Micah Nemerever This book tells the twisted story of Paul and Julian - two Pitt students who bring out the worst in each other. Their relationship is confusing, but fascinating. I don’t want to spoil too much about this book but this psychological thriller will have you on the edge of your seat!

The Secret History by Donna Tartt A new student at a small but selective college in Vermont finds himself in a twisted bunch of Ancient Greek culture and literature students. Their relationships have ulterior motives. It is extremely intellectual and thought provoking with a murder mystery at the center of it. 

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley This book, as I’m sure many of you know, tells the story of Dr. Victor Frankenstein and his creation, The Monster. I would encourage you all to read this classic because modern renditions have strayed far from the original story, and it is actually quite deep. It is a hard read, but worth it!

Black Swans by Eve Babitz It is difficult to give a good and representative summary of this book because it is a collection of short stories. If you love writers like Joan Didion or Sylvia Plath you will love this. Eve Babitz shares her experiences in the golden age of Hollywood. Babitz picks apart the most basic human tendencies and emotions in a way I’ve never read before!

On Writing by Stephen King It is also hard to summarize this book because it is a memoir on King and his writing advice. Even if you don’t love writing I would recommend this book to get an insight into King’s psyche and life because it is very interesting. 

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini  This was a school read, but I would recommend it heavily for your own leisure reading! Amir, the main character, takes us through 40 years of his life, beginning in war-torn Afghanistan and ending in San Francisco. He deals with PTSD and an unimaginable amount of guilt. It offers a very interesting perspective on war refugee children. 

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus This is a heavy read both material wise and writing style. However it is a very popularly cited book in the field of philosophy, if you are interested in that sort of thing. To give you an idea of the content the book covered: Sisyphus is a man punished by the gods with the task of rolling a large stone ball up a hill, just to have it roll all the way back down over and over. It seems like a sad fate, but Camus argues that one should take pleasure in the Sisyphean tasks in life.  

Never Let Me Go (reread!) by Kazuo Ishiguru This novel is a unique take on scientific fiction. It seems to be a domestic fiction novel, until the main character comes to the jarring realization that the kids raised in the boarding school she attends are being used for parts. Ishiguru is a fantastic sci-fi writer and this work is a demonstration of that! I highly recommend it as the book is so much more than just a sci-fi. There are real, meaningful relationships within it that are the main priority of the piece. 

Play It As It Lays by Joan Didion Maria leaves her broken home to become an actress in New York. It is there where she meets Ivan, a manipulative man who uses Maria. She is drawn back to the west coast through a series of unfortunate events and falls in love again, but the relationship is difficult to understand. I would recommend this book for reasons similar to Babitz’ novel. Didion’s jaded telling of an old Hollywood story is entertaining and thought provoking, which is unique from many works similar to it. 

[ganymedesclock]

[enters the cat door.] Pale King? :)

PK is great because while we get a lot of impressions of what he's capable of, overwhelmingly his work is left for us, self-evident and finished, in such a state that we are not given hints on how he did it or what he did. This obviously has a lot of canon significance to who he is as a person-

(especially when the nature of much of that work is itself somewhat inscrutable; how exactly does he record his voice in whispering stones that only speak to certain parties when the rest of the setting is limited to actually writing things down?)

-but basically what it amounts to is that it's headcanons all the way down, baybey.

PK is... obsessed. This, to me, is the thing that stands out to me at an immediate glance of anything he was capable of. He fashions himself as a rational arbiter; possibly even a thing emotionless, unbiased, but really, it's obvious that certain ideas drove him so powerfully that anything, including unimaginable agonies and cruelties- barely factor. His mind as we explore it has very few guards that try to drive us out and kill us, few true barriers that stop us from moving forwards- but an enormous, vicious, whirling mechanism, beautiful and terrible, that polices every inch we move. You can proceed, the white palace says, if you're perfect. If your timing is perfect, if you never dare the metal teeth that surround you, if you choose exactly the right things and move only as the space is designed to move- and if you are willing to suffer, truly and awfully, then you can proceed, the palace is yours, it is open and the barest adversity will stop you.

This is not the mind of a person who lets things go easily. This is not the mind of a person who is actually detached. This is a beautiful machine, elaborate, precisely calibrated, and it makes miracles.

And it is, quite frankly, an absolute inhospitable nightmare. It might as well be the surface of the moon, not for alienness, but for the sheer ludicrous notion that anyone could live or love there. His mind is a haunted house to end all haunted houses; it'd be a fine locale to find in Silent Hill. The few rooms that actually seem like recollections of real places- the nursery, the workshop, the throne room- are all unsettling in different ways.

The nursery is the loveliest and also the most unattainable; a place for two people who are never coming back to the person who left them behind in the first place and didn't even set a chair for himself- the workshop is cluttered, creepy and miserable, nowhere you'd expect a god to make miracles; the throne room is bleak and dark, and has pillars set like fangs and the only chair so hard and uncomfortable it won't save your progress or give your player character a second of rest.

There is only one mention, anywhere in the game, of coldness associated with anything even adjacent to PK- the description of the pale ore characterizes it as "emanating an icy chill"- and when I remind myself of this, actually go looking for it, it shocks me. PK, to me, is so powerfully and intensely an ice person. Not just in the superficial senses- oh, he's cold, oh, he's callous, oh, he suppresses his emotions and opposes the fiery, sun-aligned Radiance; but that while neither of these gods have any ability to "get over it" whatsoever, the way they hold onto things is drastically polar opposite.

Radiance boils. Simmers. Screams and writhes and rages and pulses to her emotions. Those infected by her plague begin to feel as if they are burning alive the more her influence extends. She is a heat that stokes itself higher and higher and higher, to frenzy and fury, and the coldest it can get is if she methodically banks herself down to coals to pretend for a single utilitarian moment she's not as angry as she is, so she can whisper sweet words just long enough to coax someone onto the cinders.

PK... freezes over. He holds onto things perfectly, as if they never left, as if they never changed. When you walk over the nursery memory it looks just like White Lady could come by and put an infant Hollow in the cradle and sit down to rock them to sleep. It's so clean. So expectant. So empty.

And yet, there's something completely inhospitable to life about it. How could anyone live here? How could anyone be happy here? The game Silent Hill: Shattered Memories has a theme of a happy childhood frozen over in invading ice; that's very much what comes to mind here, even if Hollow's childhood was troubled long before they'd have anything to do with this room. PK ices over, is a person who stopped his own heart at one point just to serve another purpose and, superficially indifferently, left that body behind to rot without any sort of respect or acknowledgement. @rukafais drew a headcanon a very long time ago to the idea that PK could just will his own blood to stop flowing, and that's long one I've stuck with- a living person who is at odds with himself because of this absolute glacial inhospitality.

PK is also... clever. Inventive. One could almost argue too clever for his own good. If there's one way his obsessions are utterly unaffected by this ice and sense of detachment, it's that while Radiance is revolted by, fears and hates the void, PK... was fascinated by it. It's probably the most dangerous non-Radiance thing in the kingdom to him and yet he built his palace right next to the abyss; built a great lighthouse and a smaller alcove room that- unlike the spaces in his own mind- you can actually imagine him sitting, maybe for hours, maybe for days- just staring at the void sea. Dropping things into its grasp only to fetch them back out. Pouring it into shapes, and seeing how it held.

This also seems to convey itself in the shapes that his magic takes, or that similar pale white magic in other places (such as around the dreamers' monument) form; they are extremely intricate. Impossible filigrees of light that dangle in the air. Nowhere is this more obvious than the Pure Vessel fight, the moment where Hollow is remembering what they once were- at the point they were trying to be everything PK wanted of them, everything PK cares about. Hollow's attacks in that fight are beautiful. Ornate. The temporary spikes summoned from the ground have the same woven, 'watered' pattern that we see on the Pure Nail once Ghost acquires it.

So these ideas, of PK- icy stillness, obsessive detail, and insatiable curiosity- condensed for me a lot into how I imagine him fighting or handling situations. I imagine him as fighting with a spear very keenly- not just long reach, but that I associate PK very strongly in my mind with the concept of dissection and vivisection. Everything in its place, labeled, named, and known, consecrated by the light with identity and purpose- the hungry, predatory curiosity of a hunter picking apart prey, but with enough academic backing that they're looking for something more than the juiciest pieces to eat.

So, I imagine PK fighting with spears, and impaling or cutting implements... in that I imagine him fighting like a surgeon, pinning and mounting something or herding it into place.

[blog-of-the-wildd]

i’ll make it 4 words if you don’t mind <3

star of my heart with romantic revalink! thanks!!

Star of my heart

“I’m cold,” Revali said.

Even in Hebra, amidst the ever falling snow and the peaks of ice, the Rito remained warm, covered with feathers. However, Revali lied anyway, expecting Link to decipher the truth under his words.  

The white, delicate feathers that hung over the roost tembled, signaling the beginning of a storm. The wood of the flight range creaked. It was an old structure, built by the Rito of a past long gone. Inside, quiet flames engulfed the cooking pot at the center, warming the place with a comfortable heat. 

Link, making sure their meal cooked appropriately, didn’t reply to Revali, perhaps too absorbed in his task. 

After a moment, he met his gaze, his far-seeing blue eyes unwavering. 

Link had thin sandy hair and a small mouth. His face was dotted with freckles, product of hours spent under the sun. He was of juvenile features, though there was an edge to them. His boyish air hid the truth, for Link was the deathly Hylian Champion.

“Cold?” he repeated, slowly.

Revali looked away, tempted to hide his face under his wings. 

“Cold,” he said. 

Link’s gaze drifted to the pot. He stared at it for a moment, as if waiting for it to tell him what to do. Outside, the wintry gales howled, drowning the gentle crackling of the flames. Yet, as tempestuous as the weather was, the flight range was warm. 

“I’m not,” Link said, gesturing to his clothes. He was clad in the snowquill armour, which was made of feathers. Revali scowled, for he understood what Link was alluding to.

Link sat next to him anyway and, in a gesture that was becoming more natural with every passing day, Revali wrapped a wing around his shoulders. 

Link closed his eyes and leaned his head against his shoulder. Revali raised his wing carefully, caressing Link’s weather-beaten face. Neither said anything, too embarrassed (or comfortable) to shatter the silence. Revali melted into Link’s touch, letting a sort of peace take over him. 

“This is nice,” Link said, his voice barely a whisper. 

“Yes, it’s decent,” Revali said

Link laughed. Revali felt the push of the boy’s giggles against his chest, which made him smile.

 “You are decent,” Link said, lips curled in a goofy smile.

“Indeed I am, unlike some hell-raisers here--”

Link straightened up and looked at Revali with defying eyes. They stared at each other for a couple of beats, the tension purposefully building between them. Finally, Link poked Revali’s chest, eyes bright as if he’d come up with the best insult, “Oh really? Well, you’re dirty.”

Link hadn’t finished speaking when Revali burst into laughter. Link looked confused, expecting Revali to be deeply affected by his words (rightfully so; after all, Revali had a tendency to be offended by the faintest insult). 

“I’m not,” Revali finally said, breathless from laughing, “You, on the other hand, smell unwashed.”

“Unwashed…” Link repeated, a slight frown creasing his forehead. Link looked at Revali, far-seeing blue eyes staring at him. Revali forced himself to look back. “Are you... asking me to take a bath?”

“Yes,” Revali replied mindlessly. Link nodded, eyes hard with resolution, and got up. Revali frowned, reaching a wing in his direction,  “Where are you going?”

Link paid him no mind. He leaned over to check on the cooking pot. Satisfied, he turned to his sword and picked it up swiftly.

“To the lake.”

“Not right now, you dunderhead,” Revali snapped. “The lake is frozen. It's winter.” 

Link’s resolve faltered. He placed his weapon where it had been and sat on the wooden floor, letting his attention slip back to the pot. Revali almost called him back, but he dared not. What would Link think? He would judge him needy and clingy, both adjectives that Revali did not want associated with him. 

He didn’t want Link to know how much--  how important he had become in his life, which was ridiculous because, well, he had. Why hide such an obvious truth? He didn’t know, but when he thought about telling Link, he felt as if tight claws were clutching his heart. 

Maybe he wasn’t ready, which honestly was stupid. Or maybe he was nervous. A love confession is a big deal, after all. It is giving the key of one’s heart to someone, being willing to be vulnerable, and that--

That terrified Revali. 

So he said nothing, watching Link cook their meal with a gentleness he had just recently noticed. Despite all, Link wasn’t a man of war, or, at least, on occasions he didn’t seem to be. His eyes were soft in the quiet moments. 

He was so caught in his web of thoughts he didn’t notice Link approaching him. He held out a bowl of soup, which Revali accepted after a brief hesitation. Link sat next to him, though this time their shoulders barely touched. 

They ate in silence, watching the flames embrace the pot. 

The soup had a sour taste. It was good, though never had Revali eaten something of similar flavour. Link sighed happily and placed his empty bowl on the floor, eyeing him curiously. 

“This is nice,” Link said. Revali looked at him, and to his surprise, a bittersweet smile was curving his lips, as if he were already longing for the present moment. “I never get to-- the life at the castle is so hectic.”

He looked down at his intertwined hands, rubbing his thumbs together. They were calloused, scarred with traces of past battles. Revali wanted to hold them.

“I imagine,” he said. 

“I like it here,” Link said suddenly. He took a shaky breath before continuing, “I like… I like Rito village.”

Even though his lips quivered with nervousness, there was nothing spectacular about his words. Rito village was a tourist attraction for Hylians. It wasn’t a surprise Link found its views fascinating. 

“You like that everyone is willing to invite the hero to dinner,” Revali said, a hint of bitterness in his voice. 

Link looked at him with wide eyes and laughed, the sound sincere and simple. Revali felt his chest tighten, overcome with emotion. 

Eventually, the laughter ceased. An oddly peaceful moment followed. Link wore a loose smile on his lips, though it lingered only for a moment before setting into a neutral, tight expression. Revali ate slowly, savouring his meal. The sun was starting to set, descending into the horizon and casting dim shadows over the land. 

Link extended his hands in front of the flames, seeking its warmth. 

“Why did you hate me?” Link asked, voice small.

Revali looked up, astonishment contorting his face. He opened his beak to say something, but closed it again tightly. Even though he had written in his diary myriads of resentful entries about the Hylian Champion, he had never been asked to speak them out loud. It wasn’t as if-- Revali did not hate Link anymore. He wasn’t sure when his anger had dissipated, but it had. 

It was weird. He knew exactly what had vexed him about Link, and in fact, he still considered his reasoning to be extremely sound. What Revali didn’t have was the drive to despise Link anymore. Instead of hate, a new emotion had found its way to his heart, even more passionate than anger.

“I did not hate you,” Even as the words left his mouth, Revali knew he was speaking bullshit. Link glanced at him, incredulous. Revali merely averted his gaze. What? Would he have preferred the cold, bare truth?  “Do you really care about that when everything has--?”

“I do,” Link said in an outburst of emotion uncharacteristic of his stoic self. He glared at Revali, the icy stare penetrating. They stared at each other for what felt minutes; Revali trying to keep a neutral facade, Link scowling at him.

Link was the first to break eye contact. The spark of fury in his eyes dissolved, and an expression of dullness settled on his face. 

“I do,” he repeated, quietly.

“If you started to hate me again I--” Link gulped and forced himself to continue, voice hoarse, “do you hate me?”

“No. I don’t--” Revali paused, thinking. There were a lot of things he could say to Link. He could apologise. He could open his heart and hope Link wouldn’t turn away in disgust. Or he could… say the truth, even if five words weren’t enough to convey the extent of his feelings.  “I don’t hate you.”

Link looked down. There was no emotion on his face. “A hollow knight,” Revali thought, though he knew better. 

“You are the star of Hyrule,” Revali said, for the sake of filling the silence. “Everyone speaks about how gifted and talented you are. The King--”

Link shook his head. He said something, but his voice was so faint Revali barely heard it. 

Sorry.

“Don’t,” Revali said. “You work as hard as the rest.”

“I’m just-- an assbird,” Revali said. 

Link snorted.

The knot of tension in Revali’s stomach became undone. The silence became lighter, more bearable. Revali finished his meal and gazed to the exterior of the roost, where ruthless gales howled as if they wanted to tear the world apart. Revali frowned, pondering if his gale would ever be as relentless as the ones of nature.

He was determined to make it so.

“I don’t know what Hyrule thinks of you,” Link mused. Revali was tempted to reply he wasn’t thinking hard enough. Hyrule viewed him as a sidekick, a secondary character whose only purpose was to make the leads shine brighter. Sometimes, he even thought Hyrule didn’t think of him at all.

Link placed his hand atop of Revali’s wing, letting his touch linger.

“I don’t know what Hyrule thinks of you,” he repeated quietly, “but… you’re the star of my heart.”

Link smiled nervously, averting his gaze. Revali couldn’t muster an answer, as much as he attempted to. What had that been? Link had never-- had that been a fucking pick up line? No. It must have been a compliment. Link seldom gave them, but it wasn’t discardable. After all, Revali was a skilled archer-- the most skilled of all. 

“Was that good?” Link asked awkwardly. His face was  beet red. He sounded nervous, anxious even. Link fiddled awkwardly with his hands, looking at them as if they were the single most interesting thing in the world. 

Oh.

So Link had been flirting. The realisation didn’t scandalise him. It was as if he knew, not because he was arrogant, but because their relationship had been headed in that direction or a long time. Neither of them dared to admit it, though, and that was okay.

“Link,” Revali said, masking his emotions, “Why did you ask that? It ruined the moment.”

“The Rito don’t blush. How would I know otherwise?”

Revali stared at Link, raising an eyebrow. The Rito, contrary to Hylian beliefs, were an expressive species. If Link didn’t notice the small details, he would have time to do so. They would have time to learn to be with each other.

“It was good,” Revali admitted, almost begrudgingly.

Revali rarely allowed himself to think of the present. His entire existence had been aimed to the future. “Right now I’m nocking the arrow,” he thought to himself, “Someday, I will shoot.”  He only marched forward, for if he looked back, he was scared to see nothing behind him. He had dedicated his life to a success he couldn’t yet grasp. 

But for the first time in a while, Revali let himself just be. 

Outside, the chilly currents blew. The sun had set, and shadows had spilled over Hebra. Link was by his side, looking at him with those piercing eyes of his. 

Revali didn’t love Link, not yet. However, he could love Link. Tomorrow. Someday. The possibility was both exciting and terrifying. If he allowed his emotions to bloom, if he opened his heart, their relationship would flourish. There was no pressure, no goal other than to enjoy each other’s company. They could take it slow, opt for the small steps rather than a leap.

After all, they had time.

[dietraumerei]

Weekly Writing and Reading Update

Writing

spaceStation: I finally started that science fiction AU I started to write for whumptober, yay! So far Crowley has accidentally offended Aziraphale, and everyone has the beginning stages of an awkward crush, it’s great. This might be the closest I ever get to a slow burn.

castleTerraChristmas: added a wee bit to this. I have to figure out what it’s about beyond the opening scene.

postRide: a sexy little Bike Girls story. I think this is done, but I want to edit it more, and see if I can give it more of an ending, rather than just stopping writing.

Past/Present Perfect: Completed!

Reading

I finished Anne Choma’s Gentleman Jack: The Real Anne Lister. It was written to act as companion to the series, and, er, it shows. Choma is wonderful and is a legitimate historian, and I love that there’s a well-researched and -written biography to be made as part of the show. Extremely Reithian and all that. It’s...serviceable. It really only covers the period of time the first series does, which is neat! I liked being able to put that in context, and it was fun picking apart what was real and what was moved around and what was fiction. But it’s still a biography that at its heart covers only about 18 months. Which was...fine. There’s another biography of Anne Lister (which, er, my library doesn’t have which is why I started with Choma) and I’m hoping that’s a bit more extensive, and also puts her in context rather more. Not so much her lesbianism, but I’m fascinated by her Toryism, and her hunger to learn, almost an Enlightenment-like drive to know things. Also, frankly, I’d like to know a lot more about her other lovers beyond Mariana and Ann Walker. (Although I will note that Choma puts Walker’s mental illness in way clearer context than the show does.) And because I like to break my own heart, I want to know about the years Anne and Ann had together before Anne’s early death.

I just (as in a few minutes ago!) finished Grey Granite, the last of the Scots Quair trilogy. It’s a fucking brilliant series of books; subtly deep and interesting. It reminds me of Independent People in that it has these complicated characters and the setting is a character and also it is depressing as fuck. It’s extremely Scottish, then. I know I lack a lot of the historical context, but it’s still so good and strange. Grey Granite in particular is stranger and more mystical and mosre political and sadder than the other two books in the trilogy. (Also, not-incidentally, I love the way its written. There’s a lot of Scots, but it’s injected such that you can reckon the meanings from context, so it’s an easy read, but one that has its own voice. And I loved learned to read the Scots.) Chris is...someone I will think about for a very long time, I think. Maybe someone I’m becoming in a way.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #333

“imaginary chain  /  the one you never break  /  seething all alone”

Do you have any fears you would rarely admit to anyone? Nah, I'm pretty open about what I'm afraid of. What website do you spend most of your time on? YouTube. What class in high school did you struggle with the most? I honestly don't remember with certainty, but it was probably math or economics. At least, I think econ was my senior year. What could you talk about for hours? Mark, meerkats, a few game franchises... maybe a couple more topics. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I wouldn't know. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah, but I don't have many games on there and rarely touch the ones I do. Do you like gaming? I do, but not as much as I did for most of my life. I mostly just play WoW now, and even that I'm not that into anymore. Part of it though comes from not buying any new games that I'm interested in because 1.) no money and 2.) no proper console, and you can only replay games so many times before you're just... yeah, done. Do you like reading books? Some days. Do you like religion? All things considered? No. Do you like Grand Theft Auto V? Y'know, growing up, I actually liked watching my younger neighbor play one of those games, but I don't remember which. Though he never actually "played" it... just ran around wreaking havoc, lol. I do however think GTAV was the one that Jason and Jacob started playing together when we moved into the apartment, and I thought the story was okay; I don't think they ever got far into it, though. Definitely wasn't Jason's sort of game, and I don't think it was too much up Jacob's alley, either. Can you twerk? I haven't tried and you will never see me try either, lmao. Do you have a Spotify account? Yes, but I almost never use it. If the last person you kissed tried to kiss you again, would you start kissing them back? Yes. If your best friend of the opposite sex tried to kiss you, would you start kissing them back? No. Have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? Yes, because of how badly she hurt him. I don't have any negative feelings towards her now, though. We're actually friends, haha. The irony. Are you an easy lay? What weird wording. But whatever, quite the polar opposite actually. When’s the last time you said you were sorry? A few days ago. Are there any songs you listen to everyday? No. Would you like living on the coast? As someone who lives in a state hit by hurricanes usually every year and has seen the incredible damage they usually bring to the coast, no. I don't like the smell or gritty feel of salty air, either. When’s the last time you were really late to something? No idea. That's usually not a problem with me. Why did you stop liking the last person you liked? The last person I actually stopped like-liking would be Girt, and that would be because I just came to the realization I saw him too much as my brother instead of boyfriend. It just always felt awkward. Do you still talk to that person? Yeah, we're good. No hard feelings or anything between us. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No. Do you trust easily? Fuck no. I'll be cautious, at least to some degree, about new people for a while. What is the last song to make you cry? Since I've actually behaved and not listened to any trigger songs, it's been a long while, but it was probably "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Last person you hung up on? I'm sure some automated message. I barely ever answer the phone to numbers I don't recognize, though. Where was your last car ride to and from? To Wal-Mart w/ Mom to pick up our order and then back home. Next big outing? *shrug* Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? Not really, no. Considering I'm by far my most authentic self online, I actually tend to appreciate virtual friends more, if I'm being honest. I try to keep up with those people. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? Not really, no. I think I saw Warcraft the day it came into theaters, though. Do movies often make you cry? What kind of films/scenes make you tear up most? Yep. Tragic romance tends to do it the most, I think. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? I have one to track my menstrual cycle as well as another that tracks my daily caloric intake, but I'm bad at using it because it's tedious if I actually have to measure something. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? Ummm if you mean like, in general, probably my mom's. But this most certainly depends on the subject I'm taking feedback on. What is something society "expects" you to do that you don't want to do and/or don't plan on doing? Shaving my legs came to mind first. Granted, I will if there is almost any chance of someone seeing them, but otherwise, I just don't care. We respect women with body hair on this account and see them as no less feminine. Are you interested in architecture? Is there any particular style that you're drawn to? I think it's cool, yeah. I should have an answer for this, given architecture was a massive focus in Art History the last time I was in school... Roman architecture comes to my head first, if that says anything. What was one of your favorite things from the nineties? BOY OH BOY, SO MUCH!! I'm probably gonna say the toys. There was some dope shit, man. Do you collect things pertaining to an animal? ANYTHING and EVERYTHING featuring a meerkat!!!!! :''') Do you wish that people were kinder to spiders? Well, yes. I hope everyone in their heart wishes this, even if they're afraid of them. They're very important to our ecosystem, and none are out there to harm us; their existence does us a favor. Where do you normally order pizza from? Domino's (my favorite) or LIttle Caesar's for the price. Did your parents keep anything of yours from when you were a baby? Oh yes, loads of stuff that's stored away somewhere. Do you own one of those "____ For Dummies" books? No, but I feel like we had one at some point? What was the last VHS tape that you watched? Yikes, who knows. Did you watch Boy Meets World back in the day? I actually didn't, no. Our old neighbor though loved it so much that she named her daughter Tapanga (deliberately spelled that way). Who is your favorite Scooby Doo character? I never really had one. Maybe Thelma. If I were to give you a coloring book, what would you want its theme to be? Animals. Have you ever won a stuffed animal at a carnival? Possibly a small one. I can tell you I did however accidentally stab the guy who ran the dart-throwing booth though, lmfao. He was obviously fine, and it wasn't a bad wound. I felt SOOOOOO bad. Are you a fan of narwhals? I'm a fan of any animal. Narwhals are definitely fascinating creatures. Grape or orange soda? Orange. Grape-flavored soda ain't my thing. Have you ever wanted to vlog? Noooo. My life is so painstakingly boring and repetitive. Did you have a favorite Disney movie as a child? It was and still is The Lion King. Do you or have you ever owned a portable gaming console? Yeah, a GameBoy Advance and Nintendo DS. Is shyness cute? It definitely can be. Have you ever had alcohol poisoning before? No. Do you like to gossip, or do you prefer to keep your mouth shut? I'm not a gossip fan. Have you ever vandalized someone else’s property before? Most definitely not. Are your parents divorced? Yes. Have you ever been under suicide watch for 72 hours in a psychiatric ward? Yes; at least here, that's protocol when you're admitted for suicidal thoughts/tendencies. Have you ever gone through your significant other’s phone or social media accounts, or do you respect their privacy? Absolutely not. That shit pisses me off so badly. Do you wear any sort of clothing for religious reasons? No. What's something you worked extremely hard to get? My sanity back. Sounds so dramatic, but I'm literally not kidding. Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? Not that I remember. How many kids do you want to have? I don't want kids, but to entertain the question, when I did, I wanted three. It's fuckin wild to imagine for even a second that I once wanted that. Do you believe that being gay is a sin? *eye roll* Are you any good at photography? If so, what’s your specialty? I mean it with modesty, but I think I'm pretty good. My favorite thing to photograph are animals, but I generally take most pictures of people by request or pay. Judging by my deviantART account, my nature pics definitely get the most attention. Have you ever been a member of a gang before? Fuckin yikes, no. An infamous gang tried breaking into my childhood home once, so you can probably gather that I would never take part in their "big bad guys" bullshit. Have you ever felt like you were neither male nor female? No, I'm comfortable as a cisgender female. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? NO. Anything with raisins = NO. Do you think you’re attractive? No. Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? No, not that I really passed notes to begin with. I'd be mortified, regardless of what it was about. Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? Arctic. Do you have an older brother? Yes. He's technically my half-brother, but I don't see "half"s. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. Are your collarbones prominent? Bitch I wish so I could get the damn dermal piercings I've wanted for years. Have you ever in your life worn overalls? As a kid, yeah. So ugly. Do you love yourself? It's... weird. Therapy is making me realize that a part of me, maybe even the bigger one, doesn't, but at the exact same time, I know I have worth just like every other human. I just don't treat myself like I do. What TV shows do you keep up with? None, until Meerkat Manor returns this summer. :') When’s the last time it snowed where you live? A couple months ago we got a little bit of it. Is your belly button pierced? No, but it would be if I was actually skinny. Just in my personal opinion, I don't at all think that that piercing would look nice on someone as overweight as me. Even if my damn dreams come true and I lose all the weight I want, my stomach will never look "normal," even after I get the excess skin removal surgery that will be very high on my priority list for my own self-image that's been nothing but loathsome since 2016. What is your favourite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is the obvious answer. What do you remember the most about your childhood? Lots of imagination. Parents arguing. Playing with my little sister. What age did you get your first hair cut? I have no idea. Do you have a favourite toy from childhood still? No. I wish I hadn't gotten rid of it. Have you ever made bread? No. Would you ever consider shaving your head? Nah. Would you like to live in a realm where the zombie apocalypse is possible? Who says we don't now? Zombifying parasites already exist among insects and such, so like... it's not unimaginable to one day see one developed enough to infect humans. I sure as fuck hope not, but. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have a dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. What was the last spontaneous thing you did? I did this many, many months ago, but I guess watch an episode of The Witcher by my own volition. I don't really do spontaneous things with how routine I am, but I had a random urge to check it out one morning. How loud can you whistle? Not very loud at all. Does anything on your body hurt or itch right now? My knees really hurt. They're getting worse. When was the last time you built a sandcastle? There's noooo telling, it's been many years. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? No. Well, not a *real* one, anyway. Just the little ones for kids. If you had to appear on a game show, which one would you choose? Family Feud. What is your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Food: Are you adventurous or do you stick to what you know? I absolutely stick to what I know. I am SO picky. Is there anything (out of the obvious) that makes you feel really ill? I'm not immediately sure, but there's probably something. Do you bump into things often? Yes. I've always had this weird habit of like... drifting when I walk, so I do this easily. I just kinda wander to the sides a bit without realizing it. What design is on your calendar this year? I don't have a current one. Did you enjoy playing Hop Scotch when you were younger? I did. Do you feel uncomfortable going to the movies by yourself? Nah, not really. I did that with Warcraft and it was actually pretty chill. When thinking about your dream home, what do you think would be your favorite thing to shop for? The ~g o t h i c~ decor. Do you ever listen to those lo-fi hip hop/study music playlists on YouTube/Spotify? No. Are you likelier to work harder if you’re being paid? If not, what drives you to give your best effort? I mean, yeah. I'd assume that's pretty normal. Does the fashion sense of a potential partner matter to you? No. Is there anything that you prefer to write down rather than type? I'm unsure. If you download/torrent things, do you remember the first thing you ever torrented? Oh, the Limewire days of music pirating... but no, I don't remember. What was the last thing you posted on Instagram? Something photography-related, but I don't feel like checking. What do you wish your hair looked like? I wish I could pull off pastel pink hair rn. It also desperately needs a trim. Do you still feel anything for the first person you fell in love with? I'm sure I always will, at least a little. Do you get any magazines in the mail? No. Have you ever paid for any kind of online membership? Uhhhhh have I? I don't think so. Who’d you last see in a tux? Probably the groom of the last wedding I shot. Do you record any TV shows and watch them later? No, but I used to do that big time because I loved "rewatching" stuff when I was on the computer. Out of everyone you know, who was the most heart? My mother, big time. Who’s the bravest person you know? Also my mother. Or Sara. What profession do you admire the most? Teachers might just win. The patience that must take, among so many other things. Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? No.

[seiji-amasawa]

She Li and Mo’s relation theory

Call me crazy, impulsive, or whatever; but I have this theory about Mo’s and She Li’s “relationship”. Not much explicit information to support it, but since chapter 283 I couldn’t stop thinking about it; and this recent chapter got me thinking more about it.

—

Before I get into this theory let me just explain something first:

From the very beginning of the series we’ve known She Li is a sadistic jerk towards others—Mo especially and specifically. She Li’s fascination with Mo specifically has always been odd to me and I’m sure many other readers—and that’s a question on all our minds, I know. We know that She Li has, can, and may do(ne) pretty vindictive and malevolent actions in the past, present, and future. And we see that proven many times through the series; from picking fights, to pulling a shank, to piercing Mo’s ear with a thumbtack, etc. And of course, we’ve seen Mo’s fair share of these ordeals.

My point being that we don’t know the extend of what he’s willing to do to others. My theory includes some points that may be considered far beyond what She Li’s character may do or far too extensive to what Mo has been through. However, time and time again he has made us question the extent of his cruel deeds and how far he’s willing to push himself past the label of a psychopath to get what he wants. So please don’t @ me about how far-fetched and controversial this may sound because I am well aware of it.

With that being said and out of the way, let’s get to the meat of this whole theory:

❗️My theory is that Mo was assaulted, not just verbal and physically, but also sexually—by She Li in the past. ❗️

And that’s the controversial part of my theory.

Could and would She Li ever go to as far length as to sexually assault Mo?

In my opinion, yes, as again, we don’t know the lengths he’s willing to go. We've never seen any instances of She Li controlling himself from being impulsive and violent. Never any instance that he’s shown guilt for what he’s done.

—

Let‘ s talk about Mo for a little bit and how his actions play a role in confirming my theory.

As many may know, any expression of intimacy towards Mo has resulted in Mo backing away in disgust, anger, and even in some instances traumatized. All instances I’m referring to are mainly from He Tian. I’m not going to dive deep into weather Tianshan itself is a heathy/canon relationships, if HT is the one who traumatized Mo, or even if Mo is just conflicted on his own sexual orientation. I’m mainly for using these instances as a reference for Mo’s reactions towards intimate actions.

The first and one of the biggest events we see Mo react to is the infamous Tianshan kiss in chapter 174-175;

And we all know how that went down.

(Another example may be in chapter 311 but for now my focus is drawn to chapter 174-175)

Mo’s reaction is understandable in this situation and there could be many reasons as to why he reacts in such a manner. I’ve seen some theories that suggest Mo just might hate saliva or is a huge germaphobe. However, when I first read this chapter the initial thought in my mind was ‘Mo sure is mortified by just one kiss,’. The germaphobe theory is quite plausible but a bigger theme is Mo’s conflicting sexuality that is teased throughout the comic (i.e. chapter 307 and chapter 222).

Do I think this has something to do with his reaction? Yes. There’s no denying that it is a major factor in his reaction. But do I think that’s entirely the case? No, I do not.

For someone who is conflicted on their sexuality, and believe me I talk from experience, this extreme reaction can be taken either two ways: 1.) he’s extremely opposed to the fact that he may be gay, whether that be implemented through his past and/or environment, or 2.) he has PTSD from his past about intimacy. In this theory, I’m focusing on the latter.

And that’s where She Li comes into the equation.

—

The part about this recent chapter that really got me thinking is not She Li chasing Mo, but the box on page 4 where She Li tells Mo “It’s such a rare meeting, why don’t you come with me?”

Notice She Li’s hand placement. He’s holding Mo’s jacket in a somewhat weird way.

She Li could either just be holding Mo back, which is a strange way of doing so. I would think he would grab Mo’s arms and hold him, but instead he’s somewhat....gentle about it? It’s super weird seeing She Li act in a non-harsh manner as he does now. A how he could be trying to hold Mo back

OR

Implying something entirely different....(She Li’s dialogue in this box doesn’t delude my suspicions any less)

And look at Mo’s face too. It’s almost as if he knows what’s gonna happen, and almost like he expects it to happen.

One more thing—

If She Li just came to fight with Mo, why would he try to get Mo to come with him and dilly-dally? In the past he never cared where he’d pick a fight. In the school yard, at the basketball court. The fact that people were around never bothered She Li until now. And I bet my money that She Li was just following Mo, so why confront him at a train station? I also doubt that She Li does all that he’s done now and in the past to Mo just to pick a fight wherever. We know that She Li ‘likes the face Mo makes when he’s crying’ (chapter 294), but believing that Mo is foolish enough to agree to go with them is unrealistic. She Li obviously knows where Mo lives (Mo’s moms house and probably his apartment rn, and Mo’s mom seems to welcome him), so why not wait until then?

Unless—

Neither of them were expecting a fight.

—

Now this is where the stretchy, fan-ficy, head canon stuff comes in after letting my imagination run wild for the last half-an-hour writing this.

The other half of this theory is quite a stretch; that is that Mo in the past might have HAD to do the kind of things She Li wanted him to do (I’ll let your imagination do the work for you).

We know that Mo doesn’t come from the most financially stable background. His mom working late nights, him having to cook food for a mom whose probably only wish is to be able to have the strength at the end of the day to cook for him, having to pay rent by herself (if Mo wasn’t paying for it along with her at the time). Mo, as we know, loves his mother dearly and wants nothing but the best for her (such a good son 🥰).

Since Mo knows his moms hardships without his dad in the picture, he may have forced himself to do the only thing available to him to make money. And that was to serve She Li. In the past, Mo may have not ran away and in fact went to She Li in order to help his mother out. Mo hated what he had to do, but if it was for his mother then he would do it.

This is turn loops back around to the first Tianshan kiss back in chapters 174-175 and Mo’s PTSD. Mo’s expresses many times that he doesn’t like rich boys like He Tian, so maybe his last night have something to do with his reluctance towards getting closer to He Tian....

BUT HEY

THATS JUST A THEORY

A MANHUA THEORY

Thanks for reading 😊

[theholycovenantrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, MIMZ! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF RAPHAEL.

Admin Rosey: I never really thought that Raphael’s application would be so f u n to read. Macabre? Absolutely. Impassioned? Of course. But hilarious to the point where I was giggling? Definitely unexpected but that is what made this so enjoyable and it is ultimately why this application received a r e s o u n d i n g yes from each of us. There was a perspective that I always envisioned for Raphael but was never able to articulate it myself until you laid it out, word by word, with this application, Mimz. Raphael is such a multi-faceted and character that holds so much potential, and the way that you wove it into every aspect of the application made this so fun to read. Thank you so much for taking the time to produce such a wonderful application! Your faceclaim change to Kendrick Sampson has been approved. Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias 

mimz

Age

21

Personal Pronouns

she/her

Activity Level

i’ll typically check the dash every day, and i try not to keep replies stewing for longer than a couple of days! that said i can be a little slow, especially around exam seasons.

Timezone

pst

Triggers

REMOVED

How did you find the group?

miss minnie bleubeard’s blog

IN CHARACTER

Character

raphael, with a fc change to kendrick sampson

What drew you to this character? 

short answer: divine amorality sexy HAHAHAHA

long answer: there was something i read a little while ago about some of the best surgeons being able to dehumanize their patients to a rather frightening degree. there’s a level of abstraction that you need in order to not let your empathy get in the way of the practice of medicine; ultimately, a body is a body is a body, right? and then there’s the moral quandary of healing - it is a doctor’s duty to heal, but what does that actually mean? to what extent is a doctor’s duty to relieve suffering? to obstinately prolong life? if the body heals but the mind still ails, is a person healed? what i’m getting at, here, is that in some ways the healer is the most dangerous character of all. 

when i read raphael’s bio, there was a quote in that article from a surgeon named david cheever that came to mind: “as a result of anaesthetics, the surgeon ‘need not hurry; he need not sympathise; he need not worry; he can calmly dissect, as on a dead body.’” to me, raphael is an explosion and expansion of this concept. raphael is, quite literally, a medical ethicist’s worst nightmare, and to me, that’s absolutely fascinating. without sympathy, what separates a healer from an educated control freak with a god complex? with raphael, we can extend this concept to its furthest extreme. raphael isn’t even human - how could he even begin to sympathize with an experience so foreign to him? why would he worry about something trivial as human suffering when it essentially exists as a theoretical concept to him? divine beings have no reason to play by human rules, and as a creature raised by god’s side raphael was so far removed from the concept of human suffering that it’s sort of a no-brainer that he developed a sick fascination with it, like a child who managed to con their parent into buying a grand theft auto game and is obsessed with running over pedestrians because the stakes never quite feel real. it’s a perspective i’d absolutely love to explore in a group rp setting because the nature of rp means that it’s kind of...completely unsustainable? like as writers we’re shoving these characters together, which means that raphael will have to be exposed to mortals. there’s room for a lot of character development there, and it seems like something extremely interesting to explore.

BUT HERE’S THE THING⁠—and this is where the character gets really fun, in my opinion. i’ve talked a fair bit about god complexes already, but when applied to raphael an interesting question is raised: how much is a complex, and how much of it is actually being divine? what really made me want to get my grubby little hands on the reins of raphael’s story was seeing the disconnect between the way his connections are written from raphael’s perspective versus the other character’s perspective. it’s a fun little hubristic shade that makes him an unreliable narrator and infinitely more interesting than a simple morality thought experiment. i think it’s easy to see raphael as this super cool, all-powerful master manipulator (i think that’s a pretty accurate take on his self-image, in fact), but he’s not the only player in this game. for every pawn he’s trying to move, there is someone else trying to use him in a similar way, and i don’t know that he truly understands the ramifications of that. see, i think it’s easy to reduce raphael to the points i discuss in the previous paragraphs because that’s what he wants you to think of him. but this is a world of gods and superpowers and magical political intrigue and game of thrones doesn’t exist so nobody can tell him that he’s on the path to becoming a cersei lannister (admittedly i haven’t watched got so this reference might not be right but i feel like it’s right so uh. yeah!). maybe i just like to see arrogant men getting knocked down a peg? this might be a projection of that. i dunno. i just know that there are quite a few mind games and mental gymnastics to untangle with raphael and that’s fun. he’s fun.

also. i would like to once again reiterate: divine amorality sexy. it’s not good, to be clear, and i don’t condone it, but i’m just saying.

What future plots do you have in mind for the character?

WHEN  THE  CITY  CRUMBLES  AROUND  YOU  AND  YOU  HOLD  ITS VESTIGES  IN  YOUR  HANDS,  WHOM  DO  YOU  BLAME?

i think Raphael’s big character arc revolves around a simple question: how far are you willing to go to achieve what you want? 

ostensibly, it’s an easy answer: very far. but when your desire is antithetical to your very purpose, when chasing it puts you at odds with the thing you’ve worked to build, do the goalposts move?

(the correct answer is that raphael did not build caelum. he simply destroyed god.)

let’s say, hypothetically, that raphael gets what he wants. the world is thrown into war and chaos and destruction, yadda yadda, raphael gets his blood and his suffering, great. he’s lived through this before (a couple times, actually), so you think he’d realize by now—eventually, the dust will settle. people will tire of suffering. and where will that leave raphael? how many times will you remake the world to watch it burn? can you ever be fulfilled chasing a temporary high? 

(the correct answer is no, but raphael is an immortal being. more importantly, he is a patient one. he will wait a million days for rome to be built, if only to witness the single day in which it will burn.)

i think raphael needs to reckon with these questions. i think he’s lived far too long with his mentality unquestioned and that has made him both insufferable and a major threat to society. this is a long and pretentious way to say that raphael honestly kind of needs a hobby whatever the thc-verse equivalent of therapy is, but i think any sort of positive character development is contingent upon a recontextualization of suffering and chaos and raphael’s masks.

of course, this isn’t to say that introspection will only lead to positive character development. perhaps a raphael who looks deeper into his psyche will come to understand that his desires outweigh his role; perhaps such thoughts will push raphael over the edge of propriety and into something more outwardly despicable. no matter what, though, i think that the direction of raphael’s character development will be largely shaped on how he decides to prioritize his⁠ roles and goals. 

FOR  WHOM  DO  THESE  HANDS  HEAL?

let’s discuss the archangels, shall we? despite it all, raphael genuinely loves his brothers. i would argue, even, that raphael believes that his scheming is in service to the other archangels; he’s not blind to the way complacency has softened the angels. at this point, the only true threat to the angels is themselves—if michael wants to to unlock a state of sanctifying grace, it will happen at the hand of one of his kin. 

i spoke earlier about raphael’s goals ultimately being futile. this is largely because they are diametrically opposed to michael and gabriel’s goals, and while raphael knows this intellectually, i don’t think he’s quite thought about what the long-term implications of that conflict entails. he’s so caught up in the conflict between michael and gabriel that he’s neglected to consider how he factors into the dynamic. could he be the common ground that brings michael and gabriel together? could he be the final straw that breaks them apart? he is excited for the fighting, the fallout; but has he stopped to consider what the long-reaching effects of such a rift may be?

raphael is breaking his family apart because he loves them. will that be enough, when he is sent to pick up the pieces? whose side will he fall on, if he is to pick a side at all? 

DID  PYGMALION  FALL  IN  LOVE  WITH  THE  BEAUTY  OF  HIS  CREATION,  OR  THE  BEAUTY  HE  CREATED?

i said this in the previous section but i’d like to reiterate it: i think a big reason raphael is Like That is because the stakes have never quite felt real to him. raphael’s a pot stirrer, but he’s not a creature of action. to this, i say give him real stakes. to be honest, i don’t know exactly what that entails, because i could see a number of ways in which tangible pressure manifests itself for raphael. perhaps his meddling with michael and gabriel steps too far, and his brothers  perhaps the angels become suspicious of his maneuvering, in which the spider is drawn into his own web of intrigue. maybe we apply positive pressure, where the ails of the world require a healer and raphael is tapped to higher purpose⁠—and higher power. maybe raphael will find himself tempted by the very demons he holds in contempt. 

the point is that raphael has largely been a character who acts through others. even now, we see this through his grooming of romilda, with his subtle manipulation of michael and gabriel. i want him to become a more active character, either by his own volition or by his hand being forced. 

similarly, i’m extremely interested in seeing how raphael navigates the political elements of this verse. i expect it stings a bit to be the only archangel not given a position of leadership; perhaps he holds lingering resentment toward zadkiel for being given a role raphael had expected to receive. does he subtly undermine zadkiel’s leadership? i want to watch him play up tensions with the vices, to hide a vicious war-hawk perspective under the guise of a concerned healer. i want him to smile in abaddon and samael’s faces and plot their suffering in his mind. i want to see the snake slither in the grass, to return to his original form as a spider spinning a web of intrigue across his court. yes, i want a more active raphael, but i think the political drama is ripe for development, as well.

WHEN  I  SPIT  UP  MY  SINS  AND  BEG  FOR  REPENTANCE,  WHAT  WILL COME  UP?

this one’s a long shot, but i could maybe...see...raphael……..falling. i can guarantee you that the idea has never even crossed raphael’s mind, and that he would literally rather be smited than be cast out of caelum, but i can see it. i think he might be happier, actually; if he fell, he could really lean into the chaos and suffering thing without any compunction.

of course, this is something infinitely easier said than done. were raphael to be cast out of caelum, he would have nowhere to go. infernum would never take him⁠—he’s made far too many enemies among their ranks. he could wander the holy land, but he’s far too proud to bind himself to its existing social systems. (he wouldn’t be able to look gabriel in the eye.)

raphael would have absolutely nothing. 

but he would also be free.

that’s right, i think that a horsemen-style liberation arc would be an absolute banger for raphael. again, i don’t think it’s feasible unless a very specific set of circumstances happen, but just imagine a raphael with nothing to lose, free to go absolutely apeshit. his only prerogative is to make sure you have a bad day. he is free to sow whatever chaos, whatever suffering he so wishes across the land. WHEW.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character?

yes, but i don’t see him going down easily.

IN DEPTH

Driving Character Motivation

entomological curiosity, in short. consider: why did god leave the apple in the garden of eden? why do humans keep animals in glass cases? why do children burn ants with magnifying glasses?

raphael wants to observe the world. a good healer must understand his patients at a fundamental level, and such truths are only revealed when the subject is broken down to its basest parts. you see, raphael was weaned on temperance and virtue; there is a lush decadence to emotional extremes that he finds most fascinating. they are debased. they are crass. they are wantonly sentimental, in a garishly beautiful way.

but this is not all. he wants to stave off boredom, and these are the tools he has to play with. for all of his machinations, raphael is a simple being. raphael has no grand ambitions, no lofty ideals, and that is what makes him so dangerous. he wants to be amused. he wants to be stimulated. he wants to observe a world in which things happen.

ostensibly, this is not as selfish a motivation as it may seem. as a healer, raphael knows something that many do not: serenity cannot exist in perpetuity. it is impossible for the world to remain unchanged⁠—even if the change is not evident, it is happening. an eternal peace is all but a stagnation of the kingdom; the only thing stagnation breeds is degradation. the angels are weakening because they are not being challenged. michael and the virtues may be doing extensive research to find an alternate explanation, but raphael knows this to be the truth. 

of course, the irony underlying the selfless explanation of raphael’s motivations reveals the truth of the matter: it is a farce. perhaps it is a lie that raphael has even convinced himself he believes, but it is farcical nonetheless. raphael claims he wants to invoke change because stagnation is dangerous, but riddle me this⁠—if this is true, why has raphael never changed? centuries upon centuries have passed, and the world has changed around him, but raphael himself has remained largely unchanged. he is the orchestrator of change, not its agent nor its subject, and that is just the way he would like things to stay.

Character Traits

CHARISMATIC - there’s a reason very few have cottoned on to raphael’s true nature, and it’s not (just) his pretty face and magical girl-esque aura. there’s something effortlessly captivating about raphael, a pace to his cadence that has you hanging on to his every word, a lightness to his smile that makes you want to coax it out whenever and however you can. everything about raphael puts people at ease, except for his eyes, which tend to put people on edge if he’s not careful. he’s not gregarious or the outgoing sort of charismatic by any means, but he does manage to exude an overwhelming charisma.

PATIENT - it’s important to remember that before raphael turned on god, he waited for him. raphael performed healings for centuries and never raised a hand against his father in that time. think of all the angels that fell, that rebelled; raphael was not among them. no, raphael played the dutiful son, allowing his resentment to fester and boil deep underneath his skin, but never to surface. for centuries he served loyally, biding his time. remember: lucifer fell. raphael did not. which one killed god? as i mentioned in the plot section, raphael will wait a million days for rome to be built to witness the single day it burns. prolonged suffering is perhaps the most beautiful of all. fortitude goes hand-and-hand with patience.

INTELLIGENT - in a few ways. raphael is well-studied, with extensive knowledge of biology and chemistry and history and politics. raphael is emotionally intelligent; he hides his true nature behind a veneer constructed to meet expectations. he may not be as talented as gabriel in this regard, but it is a skillful construction nonetheless.

MANIPULATIVE - i mean. yeah.

ARROGANT - he thinks he’s smarter than god???????????????? tbf god was a bit of a headass in this universe but we’ve all read enough tragedies to know where this kind of hubris ends up going.

CRUEL - there’s a bit to unpack here. i’d argue that there are two types of cruelty: malicious cruelty and callous cruelty. raphael is certainly capable of both, but i think he embodies the latter. with certain notable exceptions, raphael’s cruelty is rarely personal; it is a thoughtless sort of cruelty, the type inflicted upon beings considered expendable. raphael is selfish and petty and powerful, and these traits coalesce into a casual cruelty. 

In-Character Para Sample cw: light gore

Look at how they look at him. God’s good little lambs, lined up all in a row, passive and pliant and patiently awaiting benediction. Patiently waiting for Raphael. 

Raphael hates them.

No. This is false. It is difficult for Raphael to muster up stronger feelings toward mortals than a vague sort of amusement, the sort of affinity one might have for a particularly stupid kit when it does something surprisingly clever. In this regard, he understands that he differs from his kin. Gabriel, in particular, has developed a particular fondness for the mortals. Why anyone would wish to strip mortals of their most fascinating behavior⁠—to the point of openly defying their Father⁠—is beyond Raphael. He has given up on trying to reason with his brother on the matter. 

The first supplicant is beckoned forward. They pray to the Lord and Raphael touches their forehead with one palm, cups their chin with the other. His fingers splay carelessly around a throat all but bared to him and the ceremony is so mechanical Raphael allows his thoughts to wander⁠. 

How easy it would be to tighten his grip. How beautiful it would be, to watch the lamb’s naive adoration flash into fear, to watch fear darken into betrayal and resentment and the most beautiful emotion of all: despair. He can feel the pulse at his fingertips. It would quicken in a stress response, he knows. It would quicken, then it would pound, and then maybe it would stop.  It all falls to Raphael’s whim. In this moment, Raphael holds their life in his hands. They have all but laid on his sword for the promise of absolution and when they look up at Raphael with their dumb, trusting eyes he can see the sparkling tracks where tears once fell, down the hollow of a cheek into the pool of a collarbone. He finds himself overcome with the desire to trace the fall with his tongue. “Give me your pain,” he murmurs. Let me taste it. Let me understand. 

He takes it. He does not taste it. He does not understand.

He releases the mortal. Those beautiful tear tracks are already fading. “The Lord be with you,” he says, and perhaps he even means it. His Father’s gaze burns into his back, even from a world away. He’d laugh at the irony, were he free to. Is this the weight you so desire? he wants to ask the devotee. No, Raphael knows the truth: God’s love is a shackle. God’s love is a leash and it is holding Raphael back from his fullest potential.

“And also with you,” the lamb responds. Their head is bowed obediently in prayer and they shuffle away, appropriately awed. The next supplicant is beckoned forward.

The light of Raphael’s presence obfuscates the darkness in his eyes.

— 

Later, much later, Raphael finds himself studying his hands. He flexes them, balls them into fists, stretches his fingers as far as they will spread. 

How easy it would be to tighten his grip.

The hand is at once an individual unit and a summation of individual parts. The hand contains twenty-seven bones and thirty-four muscles connected by over a hundred ligaments and tendons. Wrists connect to metacarpals, which connect to carpals, which taper off into delicate phalanges. Individually, each of these parts are largely useless; were Raphael to take a scalpel and drag it through a tendon, across the joints, the strings would be cut and the puppetry would cease to dance. You would be left with a small pile of carpals and metacarpals and phalanges, loose strings of muscle and tendon. At times, it is difficult to fathom how such mundane component parts are the instruments of extraordinary acts.

Raphael flexes his hand, watches bone shift under skin. If he remembers correctly, mortals have an idiom about knowing your hands, or something along those lines. He will not pretend to be familiar with mortal culture. Did you know that, wings aside, mortals and angels all have the same bone structure? 

Of course you did. It is common knowledge that God made all beings in His image, or so the story goes. 

This is an easy answer, but one with interesting implications. Let us extrapolate. If mortals and angels are essentially biological mirrors, and each are made in the image of God, does that mean that God will bleed like His creations? Slide a scalpel across God’s knuckles—will His puppets cease to dance?

Raphael could find out. It would take only a single blade, sliced through a single tendon. 

Now, Raphael is not so arrogant to believe himself the blade. He would not even consider himself the hand. Such a role requires a particular kind of conviction—

( —and that sort of conviction is made manifest in bitter disillusionment⁠—the sort inflicted upon Michael. How easy it would be to find himself in his brother’s ear, whispering of their Father’s capriciousness and the unnecessary cruelty that resulted for the poor, poor humans— )

( —and that sort of conviction is made manifest in righteous anger⁠—the sort inflicted upon Gabriel. How easy it would be to find himself in his brother’s ear, whispering of their Father’s neglect and the unnecessary cruelty that resulted for the poor, poor humans— )

( —and that sort of conviction is made manifest in a whetted hunger⁠—the sort God gifted to each of His angels. Hunger breeds hunters and heaven is full— )

—that Raphael simply cannot embody. Rage has never been his forte. 

Consider, however, that the hand is controlled by nerve impulses. A spark is all the hand needs to transform from a collection of bone to an agent of action. Yes. He clenches his fists. Here are the bones, the veins, the tendons, the muscle. Angels and mortals all share the same bone structure.

Does God?

Extras

pinterest.

raphael has classically beautiful wings. i’m talking TEXTBOOK cherubic angel wings, with the sweeping white feathers and all. raphael kind of hates them, though he takes a great deal of pride in them.

raphael doesn’t have a signature weapon. he’s proficient with blades, yes, and fights with a surgeon’s precision, not the strongest nor the fastest but eerily efficient in his blows. but he is a healer—at the end of the day, his empty hands are all he needs. (his empty hands are what you should fear.)

raphael hates the heretics pro forma but. but. he cannot deny a certain...fondness for them. the heretics exhibited such dedication to a futile cause; they believed their suffering to be something noble. it’s a laughable notion, certainly, but a sentiment so distinctly human it’s almost charming. should they wish to return, to throw themselves on the knife over and over and over, well. raphael shall not complain. he shall smile beatifically, perhaps abate their suffering, even⁠—and watch them do it again. 

in a modern au, raphael is a reality tv producer. ok actually he’s probably a surgeon but i think he’d make a very good reality tv producer. alternately, there is a universe out there where raph fixated on like...baking, or k-pop, instead of suffering. those are good timelines, i think. maybe not the k-pop stan timeline.

raphael is the living embodiment of that dwight schrute “we need a new plague” meme.

[kogo-dogo]

I looked at your favorite character top 5 thing and there's the one character you said was your ''problematic fave''. And I've heard of that game before because I saw somebody play it on Youtube once, I think the second one, and I was just curious about the character. Torque?? Because it seems like such a bad game and he didn't seem to have much personality but you seem very attacked so I was wondering if maybe it was worth looking into the series or something. I like old games.

I am so sorry that I said a week ago I’d answer this, Anon. I have so many thoughts about this probably-actually-one-dimensional character because I’ve had sixteen years to pick apart every scrap of info that exists about him. And overanalysis of fictional men is, at this point, my primary hobby.

First of all… eh. I won’t say to definitively not look into the series, but I would encourage you not look into the series. It’s one of those things that’s aged like an open bottle of two-buck chuck and I can tell you right now that it wouldn’t be as palatable in 2020 as it was in 2004. As much as I love Prison is Hell (the first game) and as much as I get what they were trying to do, they messed a lot of things up and it wouldn’t translate well to modern times. This is especially true for Ties That Bind. Oh my god, do NOT play Ties That Bind if you’re easily offended.

It’s fascinating to pick apart, though, even if it seems extremely basic on the surface level, and part of the reason I like Torque so much is because he’s a very interesting character to crack open and inspect. I know he probably Isn’t That Deep, but he’s interesting, figuring him out is a puzzle because of the way storytelling is carried out, and if he’d been handled better, would probably still be remembered beyond “quiet dude in a game Youtubers occasionally play on Halloween.” He’s really an unfortunate casualty of that era of gaming. It’s surprising he was handled with any dignity at all.

Spoilers are to follow, but it’s for the best. Now you don’t have to play the game.

First, a disclaimer: The Suffering games do work on a morality system, where you can get good or bad endings based on how you treat other people. The game is heavily designed to favor the good ending, and most people I’ve spoken to have agreed the good endings are likely canonical considering how much you’d miss while playing neutral/evil. So, we’re going with the “Good Aligned Torque is Canon” angle.

Okay. Now.

- Who is Torque? 

This guy.

Torque is, in essence, what happens when you take every tired trope of a horror movie villain and flip it around on its head. He’s a severely mentally ill inmate convicted of murder (while it’s never outright stated what mental illnesses he has, it’s pretty obviously a mixture of DID and schizophrenia), he never speaks (at least not in the present; he does have scant dialogue in flashbacks in the second game; it amounts to maybe eight words total), and he is… freakishly strong. Beyond that, there’s very heavy evidence that he’s somehow supernaturally inclined. 

The difference is that, instead of being presented as the villain, he’s the hero. He’s not just the hero, he’s basically one of the very few competent people in the games. Nobody treats him any different than they would anyone else, the game doesn’t go out of its way to underline that he’s some kind of “monster,” and even when the most monstrous of his alters presents itself (The Creature, who we’ll discuss later), people are just kind of like, “Oh, well that was different” and then move on with their lives.

He is a character who could very easily take the place of Jason Voorhees, and instead of being given a machete and told to kill everyone he comes across, he’s given a fire ax and a voice in his head that tells him to take care to think about how much other people are struggling and that maybe, being that he is probably stronger than them, he should put forth the effort to get them someplace safe. 

- Okay, but, like… WHO is he? Character-wise?

If you want his backstory, it’s actually one of the best parts about him and one of the few things that Ties That Bind expands upon correctly. To summarize, he’s a victim of the state that fell through the cracks, pieced his life back together, and then ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

To be more long-winded: He was a troubled child with psychiatric problems who lost both of his parents in a car accident. With no living relatives beyond his parents, he was placed into the Garvey Children’s Home, where the conditions were less than ideal. A mixture of strain, trauma, loneliness, and desperation prompted his brain to divide up into three: himself, Blackmore, and The Creature. Then, left to navigate life and his own mental health on his own, he ended up falling in with some very bad crowds.

He became a drug dealer. He got in a lot of altercations. He was in and out of prison. This only stopped when he met his wife and became a family man, and began to consciously put forth the effort to right himself. He had two sons, had everything under control… and then ended up in prison again when the guy he used to work for on the streets hired a man to come pay him a visit at his friend’s bar and press every last one of his buttons until he snapped. He wound up in prison, his wife divorced him, and everyone assumed he’d end up back to his old tricks.

Except… he didn’t go back to being a drug dealer. He got a job at a gym instead. He stayed on the right track. He started reconciling with his ex-wife who, right before the events of the first game, moved back in with him. 

This didn’t sit well with the men Torque used to run with, especially not the guy he used to work for… so a hit was ordered on him and his family. He wasn’t home when it was carried out. He walked in, found his wife and kids dead, and passed out in his apartment from the shock, where the police found him after receiving a tip.

He was bloody. He was disoriented. He was known to be a repeat offender. They pinned the whole thing on him and, after a very unfair trial, he was sentenced to death.

The first day he arrives in prison--located on scenic Carnate Island--the ground opens up and monsters begin sweeping over the land. Convenient.

- Wait, this bitch has alters?

Yeah. This… isn’t really a part of the game that’s handled well, but it’s interesting. There’s a lot of weirdness going on with Torque (remember that supernatural bend I mentioned?), and one of the two is… well, I’m not sure he’s an alter at all.

First, there’s Torque himself who is just a short-tempered, easily frustrated, but generally reasonable guy who really just wanted to keep his head above water. Secondly, there’s The Creature, a defense mechanism and literal monster that is incapable of communication and rears its head whenever he feels threatened. Physically threatened, generally, which resulted in The Creature being a bit violent. Torque has a pretty extensive arrest record and most of his arrests seem to revolve around “punched a guy at an inopportune time.”

Blackmore is more complicated, because he isn’t really clear. You see, there’s a snippet of dialogue in the second game and a lot of environmental storytelling that indicates that Torque is supernaturally gifted somehow (something he likely inherited from his mother), and that some of his mental illnesses are actually paranormal interference. Blackmore is the biggest gray area, because while he is presented as an alter, he… very much defies that. 

He’s presented as a presence that Torque experiences externally and that only he can see (not really uncommon; Torque hallucinates pretty frequently throughout the game), but he also seems to be aware and consciously trying to control Torque. When that fails, he settles for trying to find a way to take over Torque’s body permanently. He’s capable of actually getting in physical altercations with Torque, but at the same time can hijack his body to do things he wouldn’t normally be able to do. He honestly smacks more of something Torque is possessed by instead of something his brain came up with itself, made all the more obvious by the fact that the final battle in the second game is literally Torque and Blackmore beating the everloving hell out of each other after Torque consciously realizes that nobody can perceive Blackmore but him.

But at the same time, that guy that Torque worked for that ordered the hit on his family? That’s Blackmore. There’s a lot of talk about how nobody has ever seen Blackmore (indicating he only communicated via writing or phone or what have you), and it’s all… very, very stupid. It’s one of those things in TTB that made me throw up my hands and go, “Well, sure. Okay. Let’s just do that, then. That makes perfect sense thanks.”

(I do not like most of Ties That Bind.)

- Okay, so he’s supernatural somehow?

Mm-hm. Again, it’s never explicitly stated, but heavily implied through some dialogue from my second favorite character in the game (DR. Q.L. KILLJOY, MOTHERFUCKER) and just the way the story plays out. 

Carnate Island erupts with a bad case of monsters the second Torque sets foot on the island. A prologue you unlock after you beat the game once reveals that Torque actually hallucinated the first game’s end boss before he even saw it, indicating he has some precognitive abilities. The sentient spirits of both games know who Torque is and take a special interest in him, and plenty make allusions that they’re “more alike” than he thinks. Blackmore is very clearly paranormal in origin and seems to even be able to command the monsters in some way. 

Hell, Dr. Killjoy even implies at the end of the first game that Torque is somehow making all of this happen and, only by tackling the root of his problems, can he make everything stop.

While there’s never been an active fandom for this game, I used to associate with a small group of fans, and there was actually a lot of discussion/disagreements about whether Torque actually had any form of psychosis or if maybe he had latent psychic abilities he couldn’t control. Seeing things all the time, causing things to accidentally happen that nobody would believe; it’d be easy to be chalked up with a disorder when there’s no way to know or prove what you’re experiencing is Real Shit.

- Why do you hate Ties That Bind so much?

Because of the way it improperly handles a bunch of mental health stuff that the first game wisely didn’t actually touch on much beyond acknowledging the fact that This Guy Are Sick.

Prison is Hell makes it very evident that Torque has psychiatric problems but never dwells on it overmuch. There’s even an entire chapter of the game that takes place in an old asylum with an early 1900s alienist ghost (DR. KILLJOY) trying to diagnose and “treat” Torque, and it still is mostly hinged on the horrors of old-timey treatment of mentally ill patients than anything about Torque. That and Dr. Killjoy’s misguided good intent (that dude deserves a whole essay of his own, to be honest).

Instead of hammering it home that he has Issues and deciding to talk too much about Issues, it just treats Torque like a human being. Your main goal is getting off the island and saving stragglers along the way, all of which react to Torque just the same way they would to anyone. COs will either be authoritative or condescending. Fellow inmates will be suspicious but more likely to work with him. Everyone is always gracious for his help, and nobody makes any odd remarks about anything weird he does (barring when The Creature shows up; then, they just remark on, “DUDE HOW IN THE FUCK?” because you find out, later on, that all they see is Torque getting in fist fights with things twice his size and winning).

Torque is just Torque. He just do what Torque do.

Ties That Bind then goes barreling into a bunch of tired tropes and tries to make a convoluted twist ending, and then there’s the whole matter of the secret underground organization that wants to capture Torque and have been working with Blackmore and you end up fighting a helicopter and some SWAT-looking motherfuckers and… they try so much harder to be edgy and gritty and it’s really fucking stupid.

The only good things you get out of it are some further snippets into Torque’s backstory (appreciated), the return of Dr. Q.L. Killjoy (always welcome), and a set of monsters known as Gorgers (they make purr-gle sounds when they eat and I love them).

Oh, and Consuela. She is mentioned in the first game and actually shows up in the second, and I can respect any woman who gets captured by an evil paramilitary organization and, immediately upon being rescued, takes the biggest gun she can find, looks you dead in the eye, and says, “I’m going to steal a fucking boat, drive it straight into a warzone, and rescue my goddamn husband. You with me or not?”

She is literally some female parallel to Torque and my headcanon is they are bros.

- Anything else?

Yeah. The soundtrack for the game is pretty awesome and ended up inspiring some other music in a couple of other video games of the time (Mortal Kombat: Armageddon immediately comes to mind). They actually rigged up some pretty cool contraptions to make unique sounds and ambience using shit like scrap metal and garbage, and the results are pretty fucking cool.

Favorites of mine are the boss themes for Hermes, and Dr. Killjoy, with Dr. Killjoy’s being my absolute favorite of all of them. The main theme of the game is pretty great, too, and is probably the most iconic of all of the songs on the OST. I’ve even heard it used in stuff where I doubt people knew what the hell The Suffering was, lol.

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Black Swan bookgasm review #2: Growth of the Soil by Knut Hamsun (1917)

It is not uncommon for a writer to become more known for his reputation than actual work. Not that the work isn’t of quality, just that it is easier for the public to fixate on their extreme political beliefs or their tragic life than for the very work that writer should be known. Sylvia Plath is a perfect example, since many non-readers of poetry are aware of her taking her own life by sticking her head in an oven, yet are unfamiliar with her great poetry - the very thing for which she is deservedly celebrated. Such is the same fate of the Norwegian writer Knut Hamsun who was well known in his day, for he won the Nobel Prize for literature in 1920 after having published Growth of the Soil in 1917. 

In the same way the French have come to wrestle with acknowledging the literary greatness Louis Ferdinand Celine’s in tension with Celine’s Nazi sympathies during World War Two - so Norway has had its own ‘Celine’ problem with Knut Hamsun. Hamsun was well known for having been a Nazi sympathiser, and upon winning the Nobel, he apparently mailed his medal to one of Hitler’s closest associates, Joseph Goebbels. Then, after Hitler’s death, sources claim that he made some sorrowful eulogy, lamenting over the dictator’s life and death. As result, readers have adopted ambivalent feelings for the write - hating him for his politics yet loving him for his work. It should be also noted that Hamsun was in ‘mental decline’ after the war, so one can’t be sure what he would have believed in a healthier state of mind. But all this should be no matter, for what counts is the work, and Growth of the Soil is a work worth the read.

Hamsun had his admirers in the literary world including H.G. Wells who wrote, “I do not know how to express the admiration I feel for this wonderful book without seeming to be extravagant. I am not usually lavish with my praise, but indeed the book impresses me as among the very greatest novels I have ever read. It is wholly beautiful; it is saturated with wisdom and humour and tenderness."

Though the novel’s setting is in rural Norway, civilisation and its discontents are never far off. There are telegraphs and newspapers. People read. It's not as though this is a bucolic idyll in a sheltered Eden. It is a novel full of contrasts - most obviously between the remote, traditional agrarian life and the rapidly encroaching modern world. This is a very typical Norwegian subject—and typical for many small countries that have gone through such dramatic changes in just a generation or three. Nostalgia looms large.

The book tells the story of Isak and Inger, a married couple seeking to make a living off land that many believe to be a bad business move. We begin with Isak's first steps to create a home in the Norwegian wilds: 'The wilderness was inhabited and unrecognisable, a blessing had come upon it, life had arisen there from a long dream, human creatures lived there, children played about the houses. And the forest stretched away, big and kindly, right up to the blue heights.' He finds a woman, Inger, initially a simple soul, whom life gradually makes more complex. Inger is physically disfigured, but Isak is devoted to her, and the couple works to raise a family and make a life off their land, furrow by furrow, ax blow by ax blow, grows a life. He is the first, the trailblazer.

Gradually other settlers move in  - the idle, the industrious, the promiscuous - creating over decades a community of sorts. This includes the self-seeking Oline, “Never in life would she give in and never her match for turning and twisting heaven and earth to a medley of seeming kindness and malice, poison and senseless words.” One of the most enigmatic characters is Geissler, originally introduced as a decent official with whom Isak has dealings; he helps him at other times and made me wonder if Hamsun was equating him to some Viking deity, “I’m something, I'm the fog as it were, here and there, floating around, sometimes coming like rain on dry ground... There's my son, the lightening.” Years later, men come for the stringing of telegraph wires, the mining of ore in the adjacent mountains. Hamsun presents the incursion of man into nature, the imposition of will on a pristine Nordic first world.

There's a ‘worldly’ balance to the drama, yet Isak's simple virtues prevail - although he's constantly challenged by events, some beyond his control. There, to a degree, he's protected by his guardian angel of a friend, Geissler, a man as complex and mysterious as Isak is simple - but a man equally as virtuous.

Hamsun’s lovely prose pulls the reader into this pioneer ethic where you rejoice which the construction of a new hay loft and dismiss with contempt the inept farmer who sees to his own comfort before that of his stock. On more than one occasion our protagonists easily reject the offer of a few days’ work for ready cash to tend to the more pressing business of hay that needs cutting or timber that needs hauling, much to the puzzlement of the befuddled capitalists in search of local labour.

Many a Scandinavian will recognise Isak’s inscrutable personality, his lack of expression, his need for time to consider a change. And while Isak plods on in life, prospering by the virtues of hard, unceasing labour, those gathered around him demonstrate every other variation of humanity. There’s the flighty and the money-grabbing, the gossip and the fearful… all stand in contrast to his unerring purpose. By the end of the tale our lone walker has become a wealthy and well-respected margrave, patriarch of the richest farm at the heart of a growing agricultural community, whilst the more speculative endeavours of mining and commerce have boomed and busted around him.

The novel is full of biblical motifs from the Old Testament but it’s not a religious themed story. Rather the book is somewhat critical of city life and culture, especially when it threatens the preservation of land and family values. Hamsun’s far right roots poke through at times with his attitude toward the indigenous Lapps, “maggots”, and fairly non-stop jabs at the less than intellectual bent of the otherwise admirable peasantry.

Hamsun convincingly writes of a beautiful celebration of the rural life: “Nothing growing there? All things growing there; men and beasts and fruit of the soil. Isak sowing his corn. The evening sunlight falls on the corn that flashes out in an arc from his hand and falls like a dropping of gold to the ground. Here comes Sivert to the harrowing...Forest and field look on. All is majesty and power - a sequence and purpose of things.” One of the most fascinating aspects of the story was the prevalence of infanticide in Norwegian rural culture (the extent of which is truly shocking as much as it is known by Norwegians today).  

Although Hamsun is never preachy, the lure of the city is something that recurs throughout the tale, and although the city itself is not something shown to be evil, it is more or less, just like the rough parts of nature: indifferent to human happiness and fulfilment. And in some sense, the imposition it can cause is inescapable. Though when asked which will outlast, land will always live without the need for humans, for the city is nothing more than peopled wilderness, or: “the wilderness was peopled country now.” Without the people, the wilderness will always return.

Growth of the Soil becomes the growth of generations - the passage of time and the growth of land that makes its way within the creases of one’s face and hands. The people become their land, and by the end of the novel, Isak is balding, and what the narrator calls “a stump of a man.” He is older and not as physically strong as he once was, but he is not beaten. He continues sowing his grain. “Growth of the soil was something different, a thing to be procured at any cost; the only source, the origin of all.” Later this point is expounded further: “’Tis not all that are so, but you are so; needful of earth. ‘Tis you that maintain life. Generation to generation, breeding ever anew; and when you die, the new stock goes on. That’s the meaning of eternal life.”

In many ways, reading Growth of the Soil is like reading a preview for the later great writers, for one can see American writers like John Steinbeck and Thomas Wolfe have picked amid the themes in this work and made them their own. Yet there are moments when Growth of the Soil can feel a bit verbose for the impatient reader. Yet Hamsun is worth reading because there is no way around him. In the same way what Louis Ferdinand Celine did for French literature, Hamsun tore apart both the grammar and the lexicon of our Norwegian language, mixed high and low, dialect and aristocratic speech, and put all the pieces beautifully together again - in the totally new fashion we call contemporary Norwegian literature. As every Russian writer is rolled out of Gogol’s coat, every Norwegian one is an offspring of Hamsun, admittedly or otherwise.

One can wonder how the story of Norwegian peasants in the 19th century can be relevant today? But as we live so far removed from nature, are so surrounded by words and noise (mostly meaningless) and spend so much time worrying about our psyches, "Growth of the Soil" provides the exact antithesis of our world. It provides a perspective of what is really necessary for life and contentment and what needs to be let go of and what needs to be retained. It is a simple story of simple people, but it is far from shallow. The writing is beautiful and conveys so well the nuances of relationships and the impact of nature on humanity. In all, this is a a very Scandinavian work. Like an iconic Viking ship which combines beauty and simplicity with function, and is capable of navigating both rough seas and shallow rivers, Hamsun's writing has a biblical simplicity that narrates elegantly both life's small and meaningful events as well as its epic arc.

[solacefruit]

Hi Grey, I struggle a lot with world building and I think it's easiest for me to learn by example. I was wondering if you had any books or series you'd recommend that you thought did particularly well in the world building department or that you found inspiring. I'm trying to start building a list of things to read, could be any genre

Hello there and thank you for your patience! I’ll be honest, this one’s a challenge to answer, but I’ll do my best. I’ll put it all under a read-more, because I’m going to talk a lot about why I feel these books are good places for thinking about world-building. 

Northern Lights, by Philip Pullman. (fantasy)

This one comes up a lot when I’m making recommendations and that’s because I love it. For me, it was deeply formative in many ways, and especially when it came to world-building, because Pullman uses a style of world-building which really clicks for me--which is basically throwing your reader into a world and not explaining much at all, leaving many things gestured at but never explicitly said. Things just happen, things just are, and the reader has to keep up. There’s a lot that goes unsaid in this book, and it means you as a reader have to start thinking and “solving” the gaps in the world yourself. There’s room for speculation and I thrive in that environment, and lean on it heavily in my own work. 

A great example of that comes in the first chapter of the novel, on the fifth page and then again on the seventh: 

“As Lyra held her breath she saw the servant’s daemon (a dog, like almost all servants’ daemons) trot in and sit quietly at his feet...” - page five. “... and said something to his daemon. He was a servant, so she was a dog; but a superior servant, so a superior dog. In fact, she had the form of a red setter.” - page seven.

That’s good oblique storytelling, because you are told so much and simultaneously so little. From these two tiny pieces, you now know that:

servants usually have dog-shaped daemons

some daemons, even within a family, are “better” than others

daemons mean something about their person

But these pieces tell you enough that you can now speculate and question the world as you read on. Things like:

why do servants have dog daemons?

what makes a red setter daemon better than another dog daemon?

what does a dog daemon mean?

what is the hierarchical system of daemons, who is better than whom?

are people sorted because of their daemons, or do the daemons reflect where the person is sorted to after the fact? 

what do other daemons mean?

are these meanings innate or cultural? 

The book itself will directly answer maybe one or two questions, hint at a few others, and leave many completely unresolved. But that’s not bad world-building. For me, that’s the kind of world-building I love best. The book can now say, “this person’s daemon is a butterfly,” and you will be primed to read symbolism and significance into that, even in moments where the book itself doesn’t give you any. You’re a participant in creating the world as you read. A little goes a long way. 

The Discworld novels, by Terry Pratchett. (fantasy, comedy) If you’re trying to pick a first book, start here. 

And now for something completely different. Pratchett’s Discworld is an absurdist world, created to satirise fantasy tropes and play as the stage for social and political commentary. What makes Discworld so interesting as a place to learn about world-building is that it is a world that doesn’t take chronology or “consistency”  or “authenticity” seriously. Where a lot of fantasy writers will stress over making sure every detail lines up, and their fans will often get very upset if they find anything “inconsistent” or “incorrect”, Pratchett’s world entirely rejects that way of doing things. Pratchett commented: 

 “[S]ometimes I even forget [...] where things are ... I don’t think [...] even the most rabid fan expects complete consistency within Discworld, because in Ankh-Morpork you have what is apparently a Renaissance city, but with elements of early Victorian England, and the medieval world is still hanging on. It’s in a permanent state of turmoil, which is very interesting for the author.” (quoted in Hills, Guilty of Literature).

There’s something very liberated and fluid in how Discworld forms, because it’s such a committed pastiche, but it doesn’t at all (at least, for me) undercut believing in the characters or story. I adore Discworld and its characters. I think it’s very valuable to read if you’re in fantasy writing (or speculative fiction in general), because it’s easy to fall into thinking that unless you make everything Perfect and Realistic and Consistent, your world-building isn’t good. 

Something else about Discworld worth noting is that, despite being absurd and fluid, it is also grounded in the real. Pratchett’s world is in turmoil, but it includes sewer systems, passages of trade and commerce, and a pervasive sense of the civic life happening and living outside of the plot-line: it’s not just a diorama to be walked through, but a place where people exist and do mundane things and have everyday needs. I personally find it fascinating that the story manages to exist sort of balancing at oppositional ends of the “realism” spectrum at all times, but I think that’s also the key to why it is so successful at what it does. 

(Side note: Matt Hills’ chapter in Guilty of Literature is a great read if you want to know more!) 

Ancillary Justice, by Ann Leckie (science fiction)

I’m not a big reader of science fiction, because my heart is with fantasy, always. But this series was super interesting and I can recommend it, especially if science fiction is more your flavour! It’s been a while since I’ve read it, so I can’t give the same amount of detail as I’ve done above, but it was thoughtful and intriguing and I loved the ways this trilogy defamiliarised and refamiliarised ideas through the world and characters. 

“The Ones who Walk Away from Omelas,” by Ursula K. Le Guin. (short story)

It’s only four pages long, but it’s haunting. I’ve put this story on the list because I feel like Ursula K. Le Guin belongs in many conversations about world-building; her work, in her time, was often radical--and remains so, in many cases. She didn’t flinch away from making her worlds alien, not in the sense of writing about space and people out among the stars (which admittedly she did also do!), but truly questioning and challenging cultural and societal norms and creating new ones, even (and especially) when they were uncomfortable to the status quo. 

To me, that’s a core part of good world-building. You can just recreate the world we live in, with all the biases we’re raised to have, with the beliefs and expectations of conduct we have, with all the same bigotry--or you can push yourself to pull it all apart and pick from it the pieces you want to play with. You can push things to their extreme limits, or erase them entirely, or just... slide things a little to the left and make the whole world slightly off. Being able to be flexible in your thinking is vital for making vivid, interesting worlds, and Ursula K. Le Guin's work is a place you can start exploring that kind of thing if you’re unfamiliar with it. 

For instance, in her novel Left Hand of Darkness, there is only one pronoun (a theme you’ll notice in Ancillary Justice) and the people of the planet Gethin change sex regularly. In her collection of short stories, “The Birthday of the World and Other Stories,” she writes about sedoretu, a four-way marriage she invents, as well as exploring gender, religion, culture, and society. Any of these are worth taking a look at, if you’re feeling a little boxed in. 

However, despite saying all this: I don’t really enjoy her writing! I don’t have fun reading Le Guin’s work in practice; it doesn’t mesh with me beyond my delight at the conceptual elements she discusses. I often feel about reading her work like how kids think about medicine: tastes kind of awful, but it’s good for you. I’m grateful to her for paving the way, but I don’t read her work for fun. 

The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of her Own Making, by Catherynne M. Valente. 

I’m throwing this one in the ring for a few reasons. One is that I am heavily indebted to nonsense; I grew up on Dr Seuss, Roald Dahl, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland + Alice Through the Looking-glass, Edward Gorey, A. A. Milne, H. R. Pufnstuf, and a little later, A Series of Unfortunate Events and Discworld. This book feels representative of that big love, and taps into what I love about nonsense. 

Another reason is that it’s a good example of what I think of as delightful lawlessness in storytelling. It feels--as respectfully and lovingly as I can say this--like a game of mad libs turned into a book, because of how free and wild it is with what is allowed to happen. I think it’s very difficult to do something like this well, but I also think it’s a great place to play around when you’re first beginning to get to grips on world-building. Spin a wheel of options and go, “okay, so there’s a manticore in the basement, what now?” Make up reasons for things on the spot as a game for yourself. Ask and answer questions, just for fun! “Why is there a manticore there?”  “It got in through the magic portal.”  “Where’s the magic portal?”  “It’s an old picture of the protagonist’s grandmother.”  “Why is it a portal?” “The grandmother is secretly a witch and the ex-queen of a fantasy land.” “Why is the manticore here?” “Come to retrieve the queen, but accidentally takes the protagonist by mistake.” “Why does the manticore want the queen?” “Extreme Trivia Night at the Castle has really sucked lately. Also she misses her.” And just like that, you’ve got the start of a wacky but not impossible-to-tell story.  

My final suggestion isn’t a book, but a podcast!

Be The Serpent (a podcast of extremely deep literary merit). 

A fortnightly podcast by three charming writers who discuss a different theme or topic each episode (using a couple of texts as reference material), and will also make media recommendations. I love listening to it and it’s a great place to think about writing, both as a reader and as a writer. I don’t have a lot of writing friends myself, unfortunately, so it’s honestly so valuable to me to be able to hear them discuss their process and ideas on topics I care about. 

I hope this helps! Best of luck to you, and please feel free to write in if you have any other questions. 

[askthewitchlady]

Revisions Review

THIS REVIEW WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS

I’d seen the trailers a couple times before deciding to watch this one,  There was something I couldn’t quiet put my finger on about it but it annoyed me, I dis’t know why, after watching it, now I know.

Our ‘protagonist’ is just so douchey I could feel it in the trailers.

I’m not even kidding here this guy is Omega level douche from the word go.

Basically a huge chunk of the Shibuya ward in Tokyo is suddenly transported to the year 2388  a world wide Pandemic has decimated humanity leaving only two surviving species, humans of the team ARHV Of whom we only ever meet Milo, but who Have specialised brains that allow them to jump through time and predict the future.  And the Revisions, people who where not immune to the pandemic and became bloated monster like creatures who eventually learned to use Machines to support the weight of their bodies.  these are commonly referred to as civilians and in order to maintain a level of control they break down human bodies on a cellular level and absorb those new healthy cells to replace what has decayed from the illness.

A lot of this you don’t find out till half way through the series.

STORY TIME

When they where young a group of five friends while on a trip for the summer get separated from one of their number Daisuke who is kidnapped as a result.  The kidnapper uses his cell phone to call one of his friends as they wait at his home for news and he tearfully explains if they don’t come alone the kidnapper will kill him  as they debate what to do they meet a pink hair woman named Milo who helps them find and save Daisuke before giving them advice which it is later discovered plays an important role in their futures.

She tells Daisuke that a prophecy has told he has a great destiny and must protect everyone. Several years later Daisuke has taken this to such an extreme that he’s constantly causing trouble for his friend by picking fights with people who he perceives as slighting them such as Punching a businessman asking his female friend Marin for directions.

He insists something bad is going to happen it will happen soon and he will be ready he will protect everyone, it’s revealed the five friends have drifted apart because of Daisukes attitude and his only remaining close friend is Keisaku.  It’s also revealed that Daiske constantly carries weapons even to school such as a switch blade so he is ‘prepared’  but that he has made no plans for his future like collage or Career choices.

Everyone has resigned to the fact Daisuke is delusional and following a mass text to all five friends Gai leads a confrontation Demanding Daisuke knock it off, Gais twin sisters Lu admits Daisuke has gone to far this time but Daisuke admits he never sent the text. Suddenly there is a pulse and everyone is lifted off the ground for an instant before falling,  upon investigation it is revealed a large area of Shibuya has been transported to another time.

after heading to the roof to investigate and try to get a cell phone signal the students including Daisuke and Marin are attacked by a massive robotic monster that kills some students and collects others., While attempting to flee the roof with Marin Daisukes Counsellor Miss Yumiko panics and shuts the door preventing any more students from escaping the roof.  Daisuke realises he’s not actually prepared for the situation and thinks he’s about to die when Milo appears attacking the creature.

She doesn't seem to know Daisuke and Marin however after he tells her his name she grabs him and jumps from the roof rappelling to a waiting mechsuit that is apparently coded for his brain.

PROBLEMS

The dog ear girls didn’t need to be dog ear girls.  it’s explained that the looks ‘communication vessels’, the only way the revisions can communicate with the people of Shibuya, were selected based on data to encourage empathy in the people they talked with.  Sooo we got A tall dark skinned dog ear girl who is overtly sextualized ((The dark skin isn’t the problem By the way it’s the fact that the ONLY dark skinned character in the show is a hyper sexualized woman it’s just wrong in a mecha show full of people in skintight suits she didn’t get a better design)) a dog ear lolita girl, and a walking dog mascot character...  yeah....

Daisuke, as I said in the beginning is almost irredeemably Douchy I mean for some he might not be redeemable at all,  I thought ok character arch and growth is good, but by episode 9 I had a sneaking suspicion he wasn’t going to learn anything.  AND HE DOESN’T  the show kind of sandbags his weird hero complex and desperation to ‘protect everyone’ and instead gives it... justification?  I dunno how to explain it but basically you never feel like Daisuke learns a lesson from anything he does, not the times he ignores direct orders, or even steals one of the mech suits to help his friend Keisaku find his missing mother.

Daisuke is imprisoned along with Keisaku for stealing the mechs known as string puppets, but while Keisaku comes around to understanding what they did wrong, Daisuke never does instead coming to this pseudo philosophical conclusion of, I understand that others understand me,  it was stupid.

when the characters learn that the civilians they have been fighting and killing aren’t monsters but infected human Marin has a major beakdown which you think is going to be like a thing but Nope, an episode later she’s back to smiley giggling Marin, because even though there are six main characters this story isn’t about them it’s about Daisuke and the anime reminds you of that... all... the... time

which is a shame because the other characters when given screen time are really good!  Milo is fascinating with her abilities, Gai and Lu as twins have a great dynamic with each other and the others around them.  when they first realise a real disaster has happened Gai take Lu to the nearest convenience store to get supplies because he knows the ones in the school won’t be enough.

Marin is a sweety and seeing her bits of character growth are satisfying but rushed because it’s not her story.  and Keisaku?  OMG this guy gets the shaft!

Not only does he see the horrifying way his mother is dissolved and dies (which was unexpectedly graphic for the show  and I was kind of pissed about that) but he’s then killed but not just killed, he’s ‘ripped out of time’ because he doesn't have a special future brain,  so the last remaining piece of him is used by the big bad who constructs a body that looks just like Keisaku to taunt Daisuke during the final battle which becomes a massive timeline fight and then Because they became merged and free of the timeline Keisaku Dies while Daiskle lived,  The whiney bitch lived but not the best freaking character in the show WTF?

you find out during the climax of the show that the reality was that the prophecy was that Keisaku was actually meant to lead the five friends and you see hints of that through the series where he consistently mediates between characters and works in the background to help move things along as well as offering everyone support even while he’s worried for his mother,  he calls people out but is also willing to help them. THAT BEING SAID THERE ARE GOOD THINGS Other then Daisuke all the characters are really interesting, even the teacher who shut the students on the roof later admits that people act on instinct when scared, and that she regrets what she did even actively trying to help the Shibuya survivors.

The plot isn’t bad, a little convoluted at points but not terrible

The 2D animation and 3D rendering is a little different this time around so there were moments I wasn’t sure which was which, unfortunately the weaknesses in the CG rigs eventually gave away but the moments were I really had to look gave me hope for future CG projects.

It’s really easy for a show with timeline shenanigans to just revive everyone so no one dies and there’s no consequences and blah blah blah.  This didn’t do that and in fact at the very end there’s a memorial for everyone who died while Shibuya was stuck in 2388  I love happy endings don’t get me wrong but I can appreciate that they didn’t do that here.

FINAL THOUGHTS?

I’m on the fence on this one, I would recommend it t was interesting to watch But you really gotta power through Daisuke and his hero complex, and some of his scenes are really hard to get through with out wanting to smack him through the screen, it’s just a shame he’s the main character. Interestingly because he has the same English VA  (Bryce Papenbrook)   as Kirito from SAO (which I enjoy don’t @ me) I found myself comparing the two characters and while both of them have this need to protect people and this drive to ensure the ones they care for are safe even to the point of self sacrifice in the dangerous situations they find themselves in.   Kiritos comes off more genuine.  so the younger guy from the pseudo fantasy harem Anime is way more mature then the Highschool kid who knows he has a responsibility and a destiny (supposedly)

If you’re a fan of Mech battles you might enjoy it, if you like lots of intersecting plot lines you might like it. It’s got it’s goods and bads and the goods are really good,  the problem is the Main Bad is the Main Character which is probably the reason I won’t watch it again.

Great concept, amazing side characters, okish ending... really really really terrible protagonist.

[villanevest]

"I Can Help You": the Build-Up to & Significance of 2x07's Villaneve Sex[ish] Scene

of COURSE i am going to write about this. before we get started though, i wanted to tell you all that while @villainever is still running, i will be mostly posting from my brand-new primary, @villanevest (this blog). so follow me for the same stupid memes, and check the "villanevest writes" tag if you're interested in more of these essays :D alright. now let's get going. killing eve is an extremely versatile show, and that's absolutely a credit to the writers being willing to follow the characters and their relationships, which allows the narrative to develop in a simultaneously organic and deeply compelling way. the greatest complexity of the series is also its primary draw: the dynamic between villanelle and eve, and its evolution. in this mini-essay, we're going to step through why -- I believe -- the construction of the sex scene as two separate but synchronised encounters is the best choice for killing eve right now, and how they've accelerated towards it since the pilot. from the beginning, villanelle and eve have been all about parallels. the first time we see villanelle in the ice-cream shop, she's spaced-out, bored, a vacant observer. the first time we see eve, she's asleep. these scenes are very deliberately presented to us, one after another: here, we have two women who feel displaced and alienated. neither of them is lonely, not exactly; they have people in their lives. what they lack is real, significant passion, something beyond the routine -- for villanelle, that "routine" is a lot more dramatic, certainly, but nonetheless, they're both numbed out, but until they meet each other, they're not really aware of that.

and then we have that moment in the hospital bathroom. it's not a coincidence that they're standing in front of a mirror, confronted with each other, and themselves. the composition of this visual directly implies that villanelle and eve are not just alike, but inherently complementary. in many ways, eve is a reflection of villanelle, and villanelle is a reflection of eve -- that is, opposite, but also identical. it's not until later that they really understand the importance of this two-second conversation, but  it's the first breath of an obsession that will span continents and become literally life and death. 

eve and villanelle discover each others' real identities at the same time, in a montage that draws focus again to these similarities between them and their experiences. but this is when their respective trajectories towards each other begin to progress separately and distinctly. the reason for this is that while villanelle is unquestionably the "cat" in this cat-and-mouse equation, at this point, she is also the one being chased, and eve is in pursuit. for most of the first season, villanelle has more information about and power over eve than vice-versa. for eve, who still has niko, she is seduced into the thrill of villanelle through that prescribed pursuit, and for a little while, that's enough for her. but villanelle doesn’t have such a set structure, and -- once she knows eve's name and eve's face -- almost immediately begins seeking out copies.

the first copy she constructs is herself, signing in as "eve polastri" while working in berlin. this is mostly a stunt to get eve's attention -- the first of many (amsterdam, anyone?) -- but it compounds on 1x01's thematic suggestion of their compatibility. the second copy, however, is perhaps the most blatant example of this: the woman from the tour group who sleeps with villanelle in 2x03. villanelle tells her she "loves her [American] accent", and gets her to take her hair down, and then goes on to actually call her eve.

villanelle's interest in superficially recreating eve fades fairly early, after eve gets out of the car to confront villanelle when villanelle is absolutely armed and definitely dangerous, for no apparent reason other than she wants to. villanelle scares her off with a warning shot (even though she could've very easily killed her at this point), but then doubles back the next episode, with the kitchen sequence from 1x05. villanelle says she "just wants to have dinner with [eve]", but i think this evening really exceeds her expectations. prior to this, she was very interested in eve, obviously, but after it, villanelle's infatuation becomes both more significant and more mature, and so does eve's. they've got chemistry when they're together, not just in the tension of being apart. BUT. so, so much of their story is spent apart. season one is a blur of glimpsed profiles and silhouettes, with only the bathroom, the kitchen, and finally villanelle's apartment providing them sites to briefly interact. at the end of 1x08, villanelle tells eve, "i masturbate about you a lot", but eve denies doing the same, which is probably true, in the sense that eve still believes she doesn’t (actively, at least) consider villanelle in a sexual way. then season two picks up, and they're apart again. only they're less apart than they were before. villanelle is right when she assures gabriel that eve stabbed her to "show [her] how much she cares about [her]". while it was barely premediated, and i don't think eve necessarily viewed it as a confession, it absolutely is; a confession of who she really is, and that that person is irrevocably linked to villanelle. in stabbing villanelle, eve puts the first truly irreversible crack in her façade of normality; she can't go back now, not all the way. the show doesn't really linger on this, though, because it's so obvious that eve doesn't WANT to go back. as reticent as i am to quote shakespeare, i will make an exception for this case, and take utterly out of context the line, "these violent delights have violent ends". for eve and villanelle, they need the violent delights and violent ends alike; sex and destruction and obsession and pain are integral to their characters. why? because i think such extreme emotions and acts break through that nothingness, that fugue villanelle talks about in 2x06. 

and so the stab wound -- which villanelle proudly shows off to niko in 2x05 -- becomes something of a pact between them. to eve, it means villanelle affects her strongly enough to push her out of herself (except really, into herself), and to villanelle, it means eve can exist in her world, can challenge and surprise her, can interrupt the boredom with these bright spots of total involvement and utter fascination. and since we’ll be talking about parallels later -- in 2x02, villanelle caressing her wound in the bathtub is juxtaposed with eve tracing the heart carved into the train table. i think a “carved heart” is pretty much the wound is, too. from the pilot, villanelle and eve's relationship is an intricate dance of towards/away, together/apart. over the story, over each direct and indirect crossing of their paths, they become more towards, less away; more together, less apart. after season one, particularly 1x08, they have this permanent and indelible connection. but they're still consistently positioned as unable to reach one another. villanelle calls MI6, but they won't send her through to eve. eve arrives, but misses villanelle, and villanelle watches through the transparent but very real barrier of the car window, literally passing her by. then we have them separated by only a door in 2x03, and so many other instances of close-but-not quite.

it's worth bringing up at this juncture that while the villaneve plotline is happening, villanelle and eve each have their own individual character arcs, so while they keep glancing off each other and being torn apart in practice, they are steadily gravitating to a middle ground mentally and emotionally. i'll come back to this idea. in 2x05, we have yet another mirror/reflection, as the kitchen scene is revisited. having this reunion in the same setting as their first foregrounds how their relationship has changed. eve isn't anxious or fearful or on the back foot. she's the one who brings villanelle to her home, not the other way around, as it was last time. she reaches out to villanelle, she's confident enough to take the pills, and she doesn't hesitate before saying "yes" when villanelle asks if eve will give her everything she wants. the "yes" is easy, because whether eve is quite ready to admit it or not, what villanelle wants is what eve wants. 

then villanelle helps eve with the ghost, and going forward, they're able to regularly collaborate, in their own off-beat fashion. so after 2x05, villanelle and eve are more or less settled as fixtures in their respective lives. there's still the dance, but there's no real chase. they've drawn abreast of one another. they've caught up. and this is where we circle back to the idea of copies. like i said, ever since eve has been real to villanelle, copies have been insufficient. but she still can't have eve, not entirely, and not exactly how she wants, so she escalates to proxies. in 2x06, villanelle mouths, "ready?" to eve, right before pushing amber's bodyguard in front of the truck. i'm not trying to imply that villanelle wants to push eve in front of a truck -- but as i said earlier, villanelle and eve intersect at this overlap of violent delights/violent ends. sex and death. she asks her Copy Eve in 2x03 "ready?" in just the same way. villanelle is demonstrating her faith in the depth of their connection in the extremity of her actions. she's proving to eve that they're for-better-or-worse now. she's not afraid that killing someone right in front of eve will drive her away; she knows it'll suck her in. 

so what's the significance of the shift from copies to proxies? the copies were for villanelle -- a stand-in so that she could act out her desires. it's much more reflective of the "i / it": if someone looked like eve, then it was almost as if she had the real thing, right? but her affection for eve mutates into something much harder for her to manage, and "it" very quickly becomes "eve", and she can't produce a facsimile that can hold a candle to "me / eve". but the proxies aren't for villanelle, they're for eve. if villanelle's not allowed to touch eve yet, then she's using the proxies to say, "this is how much i care. this is how much i want you." and on a subliminal level at least, if not a conscious one, i think eve interprets it that as such. then, finally, we get to 2x07. we have a repetition of the phone call from 2x02, and just as carolyn played eve the recording of villanelle's MI6 call, villanelle listens to eve's voicemails. in this instance, they haven't missed each other. they're already together. the "9 missed calls, 3 voicemails" are an overture across space, but not across distance. this is about breaching an emotional gap, not a physical one. eve and villanelle are around each other often now, but it takes their being apart again to highlight just how much that proximity has allowed them to evolve.

in the restaurant in rome, we again have the visual of eve reaching out, villanelle catching her hand, and them meeting in the middle. which brings us to The Scene. it follows villanelle's crucial conversation with aaron (which I wrote about here), and that gives her a last little push. note: we have to remember that the bug that eve is listening through is only one way. while this might seem like a let-down, in that villanelle couldn't hear eve, i think it's actually really significant. because it shows how well villanelle knows eve, how much effort she puts into understanding her, and how easily she remembers things about her. in 2x06, eve was interjecting via the comms throughout almost the entirety of the aaron-villanelle-amber dinner conversation. that and the voicemails exemplify eve's involvement and propensity to hover, which is a result of her natural controlling tendencies, and how consumed she is with villanelle. so even though villanelle had no way of knowing that eve was listening, she knew anyway. she was sure with no feedback or guarantee. i love how they set this eve/hugo encounter up during previous episodes. it's something of a checkov's gun situation -- that is, the principle that if you introduce an idea (e.g. hugo's sexual interest in eve), then you need to bring it to fruition. what the writers did so well, though, is that we thought hugo had already served his purpose as a romantic/sexual option -- when he leans in to kiss eve in 2x04 and she doesn't lean away, we have evidence of how little commitment she still has to her marriage. but now he becomes eve's proxy.

so why have eve hookup with hugo, and not villanelle? well, there are a lot of reasons. firstly, eve and villanelle having sex, or even kissing, would be a very significant development for the show, and have massive implications for the narrative. as a result, it would need a lot of build-up. the circumstances would need to be perfect. while eve is no longer shying from her attraction to villanelle, i think a mixture of adrenaline and tension would have to reach terminal velocity (probably by introducing an external stressor, like a fight or escape) for eve to actually step over that line. i don't think that, at this point, it's something she'd do with a perfectly clear head. she's too aware of how precarious the current balance is, and probably (quietly) also too afraid that giving in would mean villanelle's obsession would have closure, and thus die off. the episode just didn't have the minutes to generate that situation, and the plot didn't give an avenue for it.

secondly, it gives the writers a lot more room to play with the respective aftermaths. this way, they get to bring in 

1) a fallout of some kind between hugo and eve. hugo's been very laissez-faire all season about sex, about boredom, etc., going on about how he understands why eve took the job at MI6, and her interest in villanelle. but until this point, it's been pretty much all fun and games, all james bond for hugo. and then he's going to have this moment where he realises he and eve AREN'T alike. he's a good-time guy, a bit selfish, and smart enough to need an entertaining career to keep stimulated. eve? it goes SO much further than that for eve. she really is on that sociopathy/psychopathy spectrum, and she needs this to feel awake, to feel anything. in their sex scene, their dynamic flickered into an "i / it" for eve, because hugo as a person didn't really matter at all. he's going to see the exact scope and depth of eve's obsession, and he'll realise she's gone beyond where he can follow. first niko, then hugo -- they're both ferrymen who tag along for a piece of eve's journey, but ultimately stay behind. they give an important reference point for the audience; they act as thresholds we see eve pass -- here, something niko can't condone; now, something hugo won't do.

2) the no-morning-after for villaneve. this doesn't relieve any of the sexual tension, it ratchets it up. like the stab wound, this connects them, but it doesn't resolve anything. the writers now have so many options: maybe a little awkwardness from eve (unlikely), intensifying chemistry (very likely), perhaps denial, or a desperation to get alone and take things to the next level. this didn't close a door, it opened several. they'll be able to draw villaneve out even more, and they'll neatly sidestep both audience expectation and television tradition. it's their game now.

here, hugo also has metaphorical signifiance -- he's the human cost of villaneve. over the course of the show, bodies, careers, and relationships have all imploded to get villaneve even just close enough to touch. villanelle and eve are using hugo directly just as they've indirectly used many others. note: symbolically, as well, villanelle is in eve's head. this feeds into the notion of obsession -- since the pilot, villanelle has consumed eve's thoughts, and now she's actually there. finally, above all, i believe this encounter perfectly fits the current phase of their relationship, and its evolution. it's the culmination of copies and proxies and distance. like i said, that apartness is just as critical to villaneve as the togetherness. they are as made of their negative space as they are of their lines and colours. and here they are: after pretending different people are each other, after being pressed together but stepping away again, after using others as mediums to express themselves, after being chased and caught, lost and found. here they are: together and apart at once. 

not only is this thematic, it's romantic, in its own twisted way. fifteen episodes later, they are even sharper reflections of each other than they were when they met. they're in sync even with such little communication, and that stands in contrast to their additional relationships. niko and eve could be in the same room, talking directly, and be less connected. and that's kind of tragic -- that eve went through so much of her life NOT wide awake, that niko spent years with someone who wasn't really WITH him. villanelle and eve are all hot and cold, entirely comprised of extremes, because that's what they NEED to feel alive. villanelle says in 2x06, "like us, you mean". and that's exactly it: fundamentally, villanelle and eve are the same kind, and that's why they are so good together. it's how they stay so good apart.

will these violent delights have violent ends? unquestionably. but those ends will be new beginnings. eve won't go back to sleep. villanelle could never cope with being bored again. they'll push and pull, fight and fuck, get mad and get in deeper, inextricable. they'll keep chasing the delights and weathering the consequences, getting wilder and wilder until something happens that they can't shake off or walk away from. but that's how they are, that's how they're happy, and that's the only way they can be. 

i hope all this held together! I had a lot of thoughts and it was hard to compress into one short essay, so I know it seems like a lot of disconnected threads rip. as always, reply/ask/message me with ideas/requests if you have something you want me to talk about! thank you to everyone who has commented nice things on my previous posts; it makes me want to write more and it’s nice to know someone’s reading :D