#it is a looooong book but totally worth it

[folkorae]

It’s reading time for me until i fall asleep so i am finishing reading the witch, and the last chapters are about how witches and fairies are related and the folklore of them throughout the years and i can’t stop thinking about Morgana.

[illarian-rambling]

So this has been looooong overdue...

Character Introduction: Duchon Avymere Kalaphon Spearsong III, Heir to the Icy City

“So.” The Duchon pulled a silken rope and a blue-clad figure brought out a tea set almost faster than Astra could blink. “You seem a curious sort. My last tailor was an old, stodgy fellow—I always worried one needle prick would be the end of him.” They smiled mischievously. “Tell me about yourself, Ms. DuClaire, and I’ll tell you a bit about myself. Nothing you don’t want to, of course. Just anything you find fun or worth sharing.”

Somewhat surprisingly, the Duchon began to prepare two cups of tea with their own hands. Silently, they tapped the bowl of sugar. Astra held up three fingers.

Was this some sort of ploy? Astra honestly couldn’t tell what the motive would be, much less if there was one. The Duchon seemed almost child-like, humming softly to themself as they stirred their servant’s tea.

Alright, doll, I’ll play your game. But I ain’t gonna— Astra took a sip of the tea they passed her and almost fainted for how tantalizing the flavor was. Ok, maybe I’ll like it.

“Well, like my papers said, I’m from the Republic.” She cleared her throat, blushing a bit under the handsome elf’s undivided attention. “What they didn’t say is I’m most a’ the way to a book mage, I just never ended up gettin’ my license. Your, uh, your grace, I mean.”

“What a remarkable path!” The Duchon blinked eyes as bright as a bird’s. “As a note, when we’re in my personal quarters, you may call me Avymere, if you wish. I know you don’t have our slew of titles down in the Republic. Trust me, even I find it all confusing sometimes!”

They laughed, a light, airy sound that reminded the witch of wind chimes. She found herself relaxing into the chair, smiling as she sipped her tea, even as her mind whirled. There was just something about this person! It snagged at Astra’s core like a loose tooth. Maybe it was just her general distrust of fine folk, but no one was that chipper—not at eight in the morning with a total stranger.

“Why did you decide to quit before taking your licensing exam?” Avymere asked, they themself also sitting in a more relaxed manner now. “I understand it’s a very difficult exam, though I never had a head for runes. My father tried, by the gods he did, but nothing ever stuck.” They shrugged in a ditzy way. “I suspect he was always a little disappointed I never took to it.”

“The exam was more money than I was willin’ to spend,” Astra answered, skirting the truth by an inch or two. “’Sides, I don’t need it for what I’m doin’ now.”

Was it possible that the Duchon was just… dumb? Well-meaning, but it was just so out there that a noble would be asking such intrusive questions to the help. If a library worth of runic knowledge hadn’t been on the line and she wouldn’t’ve been hung for saying so, Astra would’ve told anyone else to stuff it. Her reasons for not having her license were no one’s business but her own! Yet, Astra couldn’t honestly look into those starling eyes and work up any true indignation. They were just so genuine.

“I heard a description of the skirt you made,” Avymere continued with a conspiratory grin. “I think that’s a beautiful marriage of the arts—runes and fashion. Though I guess runes aren’t technically art, are they? They sure are pretty though. Do you have a favorite rune? One you think is the prettiest?”

Another… well it wasn’t really a nosy question, just a weird one. Astra decided to answer honestly. “On a visual level? Fire,” she said. “It’s one a’ the simplest shapes, yet elegant too. ’Course I don’t use it much in this line a’ work.”

“Oh, I suppose that’s a shame. But you wouldn’t want clothes catching on fire, now would you?” Avymere laughed again, drawing an unexpected chuckle from Astra’s lips as the elf’s mirth spread through the air.

“So, you had another line of work, then? Not magic if you don’t have your license, I’m guessing, and not clothes because that’s what you’re doing now. Were you”—Their eyes flicked to her hands, to the slight stiffness with which she held her left arm—“a farmer? Oh, or a fighter! You’ve got a tough look about you. Is it true all people in the Republic can swing a sword?”

“I, uh….” Astra paused, then really considered what she was about to say. Potion hunting wasn’t too far from what she’d been doing for six years. That was probably exactly the sort of answer Avymere wanted though.

Astra considered further what she’d said already to this chatterbox elf, what she’d given up as answers to those silly questions. Avymere knew she was an unlicensed mage with the skill to pass the exam, just not the funds. They knew she had a proclivity for fire. They knew she had the hands of a physical laborer and a previously injured arm. In short, they’d picked up on everything that might make her dangerous in less time than it’d taken the witch to finish her tea.

She grinned. So this was a game then. Just one she’d never seen played before.

And by extension, one she herself didn’t know how to play.

“I did freelance work for a few years on the road.” Astra shrugged, leaning back in her chair. “I assume you’re a spy a’ some sort.”

“That—” Avymere coughed, choking briefly on their tea. Astra’s grin grew even wider. They caught the expression and a cautious smile began to creep onto their own features. “And why ever would you ask that?”

“Just the questions ya asked, is all. That and I ain’t too trustin’ a’ nobility—no offense. It all lined up too neatly, ya didn’t have any questions in there that were pure nonsense.”

Avymere’s smile grew more coy. “I’ll take that into account, Ms. DuClaire. Your insight is an honest pleasure. And I take no offense, I probably trust my peers less than you do. Now, shall we dispense with the interview and start our day?”

Full backstory is under the cut ;)

Avymere is the only child of Archduke Eluan Spearsong and Duchess Amarell Spearsong. The Spearsongs have long ruled the city of Salis, within the icy elven country of Skysheer, and are counted as the second most important family in the nation. In addition, they are known to possess a powerful inherited sorcery, augmented by their study of runes. Eluan Spearsong has been long considered one of Illaros's most powerful mages, while his wife steered the city's politics like a well-broken mare. Avymere should've been born with everything, and in a way, they were. In others, they were not so lucky.

For starters, Avymere was born without a trace of sorcery - the first Spearsong in a millenia to be fully mundane. Secondly, though their father tried and they studied and struggled, book magic never clicked for them either. They exist as a break in the grand chain of Spearsong arcane tradition. Thirdly, when they were no more than eight, their mother was assassinated by an unknown faction. The culprit was never found.

This isn't to say Avymere's childhood was all dark. Apart from his sadness in his child not being able to practice magic, Eluan was a model father. He encouraged Avymere's passion for martial arts, even though such a thing is considered unseemly for Skysheerian nobility. He instilled them with strong ideals of stewardship and leading as an act of service, and always made time to care for them while running the city. It's no surprise then, that as an adult, Avymere is doggedly loyal to the Archduke.

Apart from their talent in martial arts, Avymere also has a skill for spycraft. This was recognized early on by the Archduke's spymaster, and since there are simply some places a Duchon can go that a spy disguised as a servant can't, they were trained extensively from the moment they hit adulthood. For their part, Avymere is happy to serve as a spy. It is their duty to the nation and they enjoy the challenge.

This spycraft has had a significant impact on their personality. Though they've never reflected on such a thing, Avymere would hardly recognize their true personality. They play the charming ditz in front of the court, the benevolent library builder in front of the citizens, and the terrifying specter for any rebels or political enemies who manage to get close. The one thing that remains consistent among their many faces is a sense of unyielding duty. They don't see themself as a person, but rather as a tool to protect Skysheer. It's not really an unhappy experience - more that they don't know what it means to be truly happy. The only time they take for themself is when they practice martial arts, often sparring with their bodyguards in the palace garden. They are impeccably polite, deeply cunning, and completely unaware of their worth as a person. They don't wear the crown - it wears them.

Can you see why they're one bad adventure away from a severe breakdown?

Anyways, here are some fun facts!

Avymere is 153 years old. Given that elves in my setting can live to around 500, they're the equivalent of mid to late twenties.

The martial art they practice is called Talmel Valkys, and it's a holdover from before the Skysheerian elves split from their more militant Nabafyrian cousins. Its closest real-world equivalent would be muay thai mixed with a little aikkido.

They, like everyone in their family, are very nearsighted.

Given how their mother was assassinated, Avymere is extraordinarily paranoid about assassins targeting their father.

Their gender would be defined as fe'penche specifically. Elven culture recognizes six genders, and fe'penche roughly translates to nonbianary but female leaning. This means Avymere dresses more femme and engages in traditionally feminine work (politics). In the human tongue, they stick to they/them.

They can play the pianoforte with a very medium level of skill.

That's not quite a wrap, as I have one more present for you. A proper portrait! (Finally!)

Though they are lily white to human eyes, Avymere is considered quite tan for a Skysheerian. Their hair is also a stark white typical of their people, while their eyes are a pale gray.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! Let me know if you have any questions and you have yourself a bitchin day <3

@amandacanwrite @elsie-writes @riveriafalll @kosmic-kore @kaylinalexanderbooks

@bard-coded @carrotsinnovember @patternwelded-quill @somethingclevermahogony @whatwewrotepodcast

@the-angriest-author @mk-writes-stuff @frostedlemonwriter @vyuntspakhkite-l-darling @watermeezer

@leahnardo-da-veggie @mr-orion @televisionjester @the-ellia-west @ray-writes-n-shit

@evilgabe29 @trippingpossum @fortunatetragedy @halfbakedspuds

[literaticat]

I thought the main appeal of scholastic (YA & mg is all I know about) was the fair component? I've heard from several scholastic authors the vast, vast majority of their sales came from the fair and there wasn't much done beyond that. As in, really nothing.

So assuming you are a marginalized author signing with Scholastic, it's likely the sales will be majorly different post this decision to let folks opt out of books with marginalized rep, right? I find that deeply concerning and certainly worth a boycott of the publisher as a whole. Or am I not seeing some other factor here?

While it's true that Scholastic can move a lotta paper through their clubs and fairs -- Scholastic clubs and fairs doesn't necessarily pick up every book that Scholastic Press publishes -- and Scholastic Clubs and Fairs carry more than just Scholastic books.

(For example, I just looked at the random first page of the Scholastic Clubs YA section, and while there are Scholastic books there, I also spy titles from Harper, S&S, Disney, Viz Media, Abrams...)

I totally understand being concerned and irate about this bone-headed "opt-out policy." I am, too. But I also know that Scholastic Clubs and Fairs has a looooong legacy of making sort of mealy-mouthed and lousy "try to please everyone" decisions -- that for sure isn't new. I mean I get WHY -- they have accounts across the political and socio-economic spectrum and they don't want to lose money -- but if course, you can't please everyone, and when you try to please everyone, it ultimately pleases no-one.

It ALSO makes me beyond-words angry that this policy actually exists (VERY SADLY) because the environment in some school districts and states has gotten so dramatic of late that teachers and librarians are being targeted, harassed, fired and sued over diverse books, and that a handful of complete assholes are making it impossible for educators to share great books with their classrooms, that teachers jobs are being threatened because certain books *exist* on school property, etc.

I think there's better ways for Scholastic to deal with it, probably, and I'm guessing that they are currently scrambling to figure those ways out. (Or not! I don't know! But I AM pretty sure that they are scared as hell -- in my mind I'm picturing a bunch of clubs and fairs people cowering behind Clifford the Big Red Dog as both liberals and conservatives wave pitchforks and torches at them. CLIFFORD, DO SOMETHING!)

So yeah. I dunno, I do think that the Clubs/Fairs business is at some kind of crossroads right now, and yes, it could be that how they work will end up changing even more, and that might affect author's bottom lines. It's definitely something to watch out for and be mindful of. So far I haven't seen dramatic dips in Clubs/Fairs income for my authors, but I also haven't been doing like a *forensic analysis* of it, nor can I see what the big picture numbers look like.

As far as a boycott, what I'd ask anyone to consider is, what does a boycott of Scholastic look like? And who is it helping?

Is it that you/the public aren't buying any Scholastic books? When they DO publish loads of marginalized authors? You'd certainly be making an impact on those authors, but not a positive one. In fact, I'd argue that the book banners who are behind all this chaos would LOVE for you to boycott Scholastic. They are, in fact, URGING people to boycott Scholastic. I've seen material from certain right wing groups about how Scholastic and their authors are degenerates that literally made me sick to my stomach with fear for my authors' physical and mental well being. I definitely don't want to do what THOSE people want us to do.

Is it that you, as a parent or school administrator or whatever, decide not to do a Scholastic book fair at your school? I get that, and as far as I'm concerned, as long as you are doing that for nice, wholesome reasons, like you want MORE diverse books in your school and you'd rather support a local independent bookstore who can bring great books in, it sounds like a fine idea to me. (If you are doing it because you don't want kids to have access to ANY BOOKS or something, well, that's gross as hell!)

Is it that you, as an author, are asking your agent not to submit to Scholastic? That's totally within your rights, and it's perfectly OK -- but also, they DO have some great editors, and I think it's also perfectly OK to not want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so if you DON'T want to avoid them, I don't think that's a problem.

I'll be watching how all of this continues to play out, and I'll be watching the royalty statements and such, and if there comes a point where there IS a huge dip in income or something like that, where it seems like "OK, they are not a viable publishing partner" -- that's another conversation. But so far we aren't there, that I can see. I reserve the right to change my mind!

In the meantime, I URGE YOU, VOTE, especially in local elections -- people just don't vote for School Board and such, so the only people who ARE reliably voting are the terrible people, which is how they get so much power. If you can, give money to organizations that are fighting the good fight against censorship and protecting librarians and educators. And if you have it in you, get involved with your local library board, school board, PTA, or whatever you have to do to BE IN THE ROOM when these psychos are trying to ban books and take away children's freedom to read.

[fanfic-inator795]

OKAY SO- this is really random and VERY cringe but screw it, it's funny to me in retrospect so let's get cringe.

I just watched one of those reddit answer compilation vids with the topic being "Your First Writing Mistake". Whiiiich got me thinking about my first writing mistake as well as my first fanfics.

So, thinking it over, I'm pretty sure that my first 'mistake' of sorts (outside the typical grammar and pacing mistakes of a writing newbie) was trying to insert angst into a series where it didn't really work or fit. And yeah, I get that's fairly common (especially for young writers) but I think I did it in a pretty 'unique' way, lol.

I was either in 8th or 9th grade (so in other words, prime teenage angst/edginess phase) when the CN show "Chowder" came out. I loved its silliness and the bond that the characters had with each other, but I also wished that it could be more "serious" and "dramatic" given how often the characters were in danger. (Because even back then, lil' Andrea's favorite genres were hurt/comfort and family fluff)

I had also started reading the "One Last Wish" series at that time (which, for those who don't know, is a series about kids with serious and/or terminal illnesses who get sent $100,000 checks by some unknown person). You guys can see where this is going.

My first fanfic was about Chowder getting some sort of disease (I think it was Malaria, I remember hearing about it on one of the shows my mom watched at the time) and getting treatment for it (based on VERY surface level research) plus dealing with the previous mentioned $100,000 check. I also ended up writing an EEnE/One Last Wish fic with Double D getting lung cancer. (I really did like those books, and I had also been inspired by another fanfic writer who was doing the same thing with early/mid 2000s Disney Channel cartoons).

Later on, I wrote fics about Chowder and the gang being on their world's version of the Titanic (was briefly obsessed with that movie as a kid) as well as a hurt/comfort aftermath fic based on that one episode where Chowder gets possessed by a ghost turkey. You know, that ep that was specifically meant to be a silly Exorcist parody? Yeah, I looked at that and was all "but what if it was taken seriously?"

Super cringe to look back on now, but I'm pretty sure a lot of kids shared similar feelings about the show given that (from what I remember, given those fics are looooong gone) they were fairly popular on FF.net. One person even made a book cover of sorts for the Chowder/One Last Wish fic, which I remember being incredibly touched by.

Also for what it's worth, not ALL my old Chowder fics were angsty or involved death/characters nearly dying - I had tons of Chowder/Panini fics (which, oof, that ship aged poorly) as well as a Pokemon AU and a Chowder/Total Drama crossover fic, among others.

But yeah, as much as I laugh and wonder what younger me was thinking, I guess there are worse ways to express yourself during your angst phase than taking a silly cartoon and writing it to be more drama than comedy.

[macravishedbymactavish]

Oh it's my time to hype my friends and favourites up. I'm so ready, like cracks knuckles;

Welcome to my second annual rec list

@alidravana -- first and foremost, thank you for posting this. If youre here, please follow this lovely human. They're a major part of the reason I (and many others id assume) are active in this fandom as they harbour good times and interactions between fans. Aaaaaand they do character x character ships which make me squeal and kick my feet ❤️

G H O S T S B L O G S

@bloodonmyhands-1221 - our mostly platonic friendship started because she wrote Logan. I love her ❤️ (she also fuels my hyperfixations, and sends me Alex drabbles inbetween our rants about life). She is branching out to other fandoms, but loves requests and the characters from both games. This love and passion shows in her work.

@ai-luni - The original hub for us Hesh Whores, she single handedly got me loving Hesh Walker with all my heart at one point (his birthday fic along with the headcanons about Dad!Hesh eeep). I loved bombing her inbox with my random, chaotic thoughts on anon

@aukuro - The other Hesh Whore (who's into Rorke if any of you want that), and the OG Gromsko hoe. Sarcastic, and has written banging pieces out of spite (looking at you NSFW Hesh Headcanons). Both the sweetest and most sarcastic human around, I'm so happy the fandom gods have brought me to her. Go ask her about her love for General Shepard, it's weird and intriguing

@pearldog30 - Starting to write Hesh and is in her angst chapter. Has written some questionable (but iconic!) works for the questionable characters (General Shepard) . The Last Message (angsty Hesh) made me cry real tears.

@keegansjuicydump - not active recently but they have SUCH cute Logan content, ugh. (Go read their one shot about reader and Logan telling the team they're expecting, it is tooth rottingly sweet and lives rent free in my head).

@yeyinde - I lowkey simp for their content. They're Keegan content (gifs & writing) is chefs kiss. The clockwork gifs are enough to make a person go feral

@callofdooty - The Hesh headcanons are adorable, they also love COD Ghosts (and I tried convincing them to let me sell their pelvis once in a group chat. It's the highlight of my social career, really)

@uselesshuman - They're going to be mentioned twice, as they have written for both (sadly they don't write COD recently, but we respect authors as humans on this blog). The money I would pay to have one lazy morning with Hesh and Riley like they wrote is absurd (running my fingers through Hesh's off duty longer hair? Yes please.)

M O D E R N W A R F A R E

@deadbranch - They keep me up to date on the random creators within the COD Fandom I may not have known about previously. Their fics are immaculate (not me binging Tessellate for the 3rd time or nothing). Not to mention they're like the supportive parent for us all. I've learned so much from this person, and have followed so many more people thanks to their active support of the creators on here. BUT for legal purposes: they are big, scary and mean like their reputation proceeds them to be.

@uselesshuman - They're not actively writing COD but I assure you their MW and Ghosts masterlists will keep you content for a looooong time. The 141 family AU (Fergus and his cow), the random Alex fic they posted once that I read before bed and had amazing dreams about. Masterpieces.

@yeyinde - 2 names stick out to me when I think of this blog: John Price & Joe Graves (swoon). All of their works are legendary, but they lead the charge in simping for a certain Captain of ours. Total tangent, but all my fellow (18+) Soap whores, Coorie is well worth the read.

@sprout-fics - I want to say so much about this blog, outside of "Little Mouse" (König x Reader) being right up there on my to be read list (like every amazing book in my life. I keep it in my back pocket so I can read it at the perfect time with the perfect setting). They are another blog that reposts work of other creators, and has a lot of really good points in their replies about Tumblr stuff and creating in general. I genuinely enjoy you on my dash.

@brewed-pangolin - The home of Super Soap Sunday. So many drabbles, and chaotic bits (I'm still giggling at the post that is literally: "Soap. tw: Soap"). Another supporter of the other creators, and keeps my dash fresh and new which I highly appreciate.

@loneghostwolf & @ave661 - I don't know how these two are so good at 3D rendering, because some posts I scroll by and think it's just a screenshot from a game, or a new promo they came out with. But holy smokes are they talented artists!!

@jynxmirage - I am not a girly person, but man did I girly squeal when I read your Alex series. You broke my heart and put it back together again. I'll probably be deep diving your blog after this post to see what else you've created (and I encourage anyone else reading this post to join me).

@writeforfandoms - I can't begin to gush enough about how much I LOVE their Puppy Love series (puppies and soft, courting Price). This is a series I re-read when I'm upset and need happiness.

@simonsdoll - Don't let 'WELCOME WHORES' discourage you. There is written gold hidden behind the unwelcoming welcome mat. Tons of NSFW (that Ghost Venom AU), and if you like Graves but don't know where to find love for him. Her blog. She loves him too.

@pearldog30 - Feral for Alejandro and Rudy.

@bloodonmyhands-1221 - Maybe it's my bias, but she writes Soap and Alex for me at my beg and plea. She does amazing with requests and has plans to expand her COD works into other universes (she has a fae fic lined up which has so much promise). She is all but married to Ghost (so if you want Simon, she has Simon for you). Off topic but I recommend the Color Me Pretty one-shot (it's so cute. I read it over and over).

ALSO!

If you have any recommendations, things you need to talk about, or anyone who you feel deserves a high five let me know, reblog the post and love them. Or best yet, go tell them and tell your COD loving friends.

.....but also tell me because I want to follow each and every one of you beautiful human beings ❤️

Loving to see new authors and creators in the COD fandom, but please, please, stop saying the fandom is dying.

Comments like: there's no content for X character, why y'all sleeping on X, or I've started writing X cause there's nothing out there, meanwhile A03 just had a new fic updated in the same day, or fanart was uploaded to tumblr the previous day...well, it's like stomping on and ignoring all the amazing works out there already. And that hurts the creators, people.

And for Ghosts...the game has been out since 2013. It has been 10 years and there are still people creating, writing, developing OCs and so on. We have some of the original fic authors from 2013 with us, still creating, still uplifting people's works.

Stop complaining about what you think isn't there, and start entering the fandom with open eyes and some willingness to use the search bar. Appreciate what is already out there and then add your own touch. Otherwise, you'll drive other creators away.

[inkykeiji]

i think before you’ve said that reader in bmb universe dresses similar to the actresses in clueless (cher and dione) and i was curious if u thought that the reader (in bmb) is just as clueless/as much of an airhead (ahhhh idk how to say this diplomatically) as the ppl from the movie like cher or her friends(?) i know she goes to university/college but is she like smart? lmao i feel so mean rn but i genuinely am curious about ur original thoughts and ideas when writing this and what u had envisioned in mind

i know before u said anyone and everyone imagines different things and details but i was really curious on what YOUR original ideas were if you’re comfortable w me asking

ahahahaha yes yes of course i’m comfortable with you asking!!! i actually love questions like these SO much! <3 so thank you very much for asking!! and all i meant when i talk about interpretations of a piece of art/fiction is simply that there is not one “right” interpretation; mine as the author is just one of endless—it has a very special, personal meaning to me, but someone else might read it and find their own personal, special meaning for themselves, because we are all unique people with different experiences, opinions, beliefs etc.

i hope that makes sense!!! that’s all i mean tho hehehehe <3 but i also totally understand what you’re asking and why you’re asking it!!! i am like this with my favourite directors; like, their films have personal meaning to me that i’ve interpreted based on my life/who i am, but i’m always interested to know THEIR interpretations as well!!!

but yes yes thank you for asking!!! i remember talking about her intelligence a looooong long time ago, but i can’t find the ask hehehe.i feel like the answer is a little complicated. bmb!reader IS smart in a book smart sense—at least, shes more intelligent than cher + dionne—but she’s nowhere near as smart as dabi and tomura are when it comes to book smarts. she does well in school, not amazing but decently (slightly above average, i’d say), because she works hard and her education + grades are important to her.

but it doesn’t come naturally to her, doesn’t come easy in any way, and she’s got zero street smarts. like, nothing at all. she grew up sheltered, and she’s still extremely sheltered by tomura. as such, when it comes to life stuff, she’s a little dumb and definitely lost, and it almost lends itself to the perpetual innocence she seems to exude. she’s quite used to tomura making all of her decisions for her, and for the most part she’s HAPPY with that.

a good example of her pushing back and not being happy with this tho is when she says she won’t stop going to university in part one; but one of the big big reasons why she pushes back against him there is BECAUSE school is important to her, you know??? it’s one of the only things she does for herself and by herself, and she enjoys it. it’s a little bit of freedom but it’s also enough freedom for her; she’s a little lazy, she likes being treated like a baby/princess and being taken care of, she likes not having that responsibility and just being the prize she is and getting all those fancy gifts + being doted on by her Daddy etc etc.

other than that, she doesn’t have too many issues with tomura making the decisions most of the time, and when she does, she can almost always entice him to change his mind ;) it’s also worth noting here though that the majority of ‘decisions’ she isn’t alright with are when tomura says no and denies her something she wants: ie saying no to sweets before dinner. when it comes to bigger, more substantial decisions she will happily let tomura take the wheel.

so, i’d say cher + dionne are smarter than her when it comes to street smarts. cher knows how to manipulate and argue her way up to A’s in all of her classes; bmb!reader would never be able to do that. cher + dionne are masters at makeovers and plan them in detail, and i’d even go as far to argue that they’re able to read people and life situations better than bmb!reader, too. they have a lot more experience than she does. reader is much easier to take advantage of because of this, and much easier to manipulate, and she’s also mostly content with her lack of autonomy. i can’t see cher or dionne being okay with that, you know?

in sum: she’s smarter than them when it comes to academics, but more clueless than they are when it comes life stuff.

AH SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG ANSWER ANON EHEHEHE i hope this makes sense!!!! let me know if it doesn’t, or if you have any other questions! <3 the interesting thing about bmb’s reader is that she’s all of these things above, yet she has this brattiness to her, like the tiniest sliver of a rebellious streak, just to see where things will go if she pushes, and she will fight back when she wants to (ie dabi + drugs in part two, yelling at tomura for his absence in part two). 

[charmtion]

I somehow missed the fact that you don't watch GoT, so now I'm really curious about how/when you fell in love with Jonsa? Is it a "crack ship" for you or one you genuinely like the idea of/think will happen in the books?

I have probably watched a grand total of approx. 11 minutes (🙈) of screen-time from various YouTube clips and gifs and the like on this site! I adore the aesthetic of GoT, the imagery, the little show-snippets I catch from time to time… but I’ve got no burning desire to watch it till the books are finished — a naïve hope, I know — could be waiting a looooong time. But I am nothing if not patient! Now! Onto the ask... *clears throat*

Book-verse Jonsa is a different beast to show-verse Jonsa, in my opinion at least. George R.R. Martin is a master world-builder. Master word-weaver. Master plotter. There are no lingering looks that burn on-screen. No subtle stares translated via cameras. No fuck-me eyes and fiery arguments in tents and solars. For one, Jon and Sansa are hundreds of leagues apart even by the end of ADWD. Probably still years apart from being reunited. They are also younger than their show-verse equivalents. Their trajectories are very different. Their traumas are different in subtle ways, too. Yet despite these differences in circumstance and distances in space and time, they occupy — share — a really fascinating territory: a reciprocal reality.

This reciprocity of their lived experience(s) has always resonated with me — as has the outright reversal that takes place between them. High-born daughter to a lowly bastard of rocks and sheep-pellets. Bastard-born boy to a capable and respected Lord Commander. Reversal, to be true — but reciprocity, too. Crow and little bird. Stone and Snow. Lady and Commander. Queen and King(?????) This innate circling of each other’s place in society, the sidesteps their character-arcs take… ultimately I think the edges of their circles will meet to form a new one.

Why? Because in many ways they are each other’s mirror. Sansa starts as Catelyn reborn. But she grows into something different than her mother’s miniature. Sharper. Stronger — gentler, too. She has tact and courage. She knows how to survive. She is so clever it is startling — especially the subtle things and treasons she picks up on in any and all exchanges between lords in the Vale. Now Jon. Jon starts as Ned. Wants to be Ned. Looks so much like Ned it makes Catelyn sick with fury. But he moves on. Becomes something different. Something sharper. Stronger — gentler, too. He has tact and courage. He knows how to survive — even if survival means shedding honour and choosing to bend to spite and vengeance. He is so clever it is startling — especially the way he twists situations to his best advantage, how he plays kings, makes parlays, switches babes. You see where I am going here with the two of them? They are a mirror-image in many ways. Two halves of a circle. Brave. Gentle. Strong.

✨ [I have more to say about that central motif — brave, gentle, strong — and how it relates to the numerous characters and interactions Jon and Sansa entertain (and suffer…) throughout the books… but I won’t bore you with that — I am aware I am already rambling!] ✨

So to stop my rambling and sum up (and actually answer your question sorry sweet!!) when I first read ASOIAF — about 10 years ago now gulp — I didn’t connect the two romantically really. I read Sansa purely as a child and never focussed on who she might end up with. I adored (and still adore!) Val’s character, thought her a natural fit for Jon… but then over years of re-reading (and a fair bit of fanfic theory and dabbling) I have come to view Jonsa as a distinct canon possibility — and my absolute OTP. Do I read every passage of every Jon or Sansa chapter and make detailed inferences as much as other Jonsa book-verse shippers? Probably not. Sansa’s snow-castle passage in the Eyrie, for instance, has always carried two very distinct underlying readings for me: snow as in Snow as in Jon Snow… or snow as in Winterfell. Home. Grey and white. The North. Her heart — the place it will come to beat within, rule over, find some rest after the weary weight of years and whatever horrors WoW will sweep upon it (and us!). Do I think either reading is possible? Yes. Do I think they are reciprocal? Hell yes. Mirror-image, honey. Mirror-image. Full circle. All that jazz. Just like Jon and Sansa themselves... ⭕

I’ll stop now, sorry — but thank you so much for the ask, my dear; I hope there’s some semblance of sense in that massive word-splurge mess — and apologies if this is seems like token-knowledge not worth repeating! ❤️

[cards-onthetable]

the strangest autumn

Note: This fluffy little Joble oneshot is meant to be read in the context of @ontherockswithsalt‘s penthouse universe. the names Cavatappi (Cav) and Tripoline (Trip) are hypothetical pasta placeholders in this hypothetical future scenario in which everything is hypothetical and nothing is real okay? Okay.

***

“Ughhh, when are we gonna be there?”

In the passenger seat, Noble suppresses a laugh at our five-year-old’s dramatic groan, leaving me to glance at Cav’s eyes in the rear view mirror and answer him. “We were in the car a lot longer yesterday and you didn’t complain once.”

“You said this was gonna be short!” He counters.

“It is! We’re like… ten minutes away.”

“Ten minutes is looooong!”

“Look out the window and tell us when you see the pumpkin signs,” Noble suggests. “That means we’re really close.”

“This thing better be worth the hype,” I mutter, low so the boys can't hear.

“It’ll be great once we actually—“

A loud wail from our three-year-old’s car seat cuts him off. “Hey, leave your brother alone,” I warn. 

“Every trip we take, you’re all negative about it until we get there and you have a great time,” Noble tells me. “Just relax and have fun, okay?”

“Not every trip we take--”

“Yeah, pretty much. You’re always too worried about having everything be perfect. But it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be us.” His arm nudges mine on the center console. “The boys will have fun, we’ll have fun, we’ll be exhausted by the time we get home, it’s all part of the experience.”

“Well the experience of everything changing at the last minute is not my favorite.”

“Oh so you’d rather hang out with Ben and Scott than be alone with your own husband—“ he teases.

The mention of our friends catches Cav’s attention and he excitedly pipes up, “Is Cleo gonna be there?”

“Nice work,” I tell Noble as he explains again, “No buddy, remember? Cleo is sick so she had to stay home.”

I think that’s what has me on edge this weekend. Scott’s the one who did the heavy lifting as far as planning this little weekend getaway. He and Ben brought their daughter Cleo to this fall festival last year, back when Noble and I were just starting the process to become foster parents, and I’m pretty sure this damn trip was like, their number one priority the second Cav and Trip moved in with Noble and me. Seriously, Scott booked the Airbnb back in March.

So I couldn’t help but feel a little anxious about having to suddenly do all my own research when Scott and Ben bowed out because of Cleo’s strep throat. I was all ready to postpone until next weekend, or maybe cancel altogether. But they, and Noble, insisted we stick to our plans. They’re even still covering their half of the cabin. So I didn’t have much choice.

“I see the pumpkin sign!” Cav shouts a few minutes later, and sure enough a giant, bright orange wooden pumpkin alerts us that the Parker Farm Fall Festival is one mile ahead.

“Are you excited?” I ask, an appropriate amount of conjured enthusiasm in my voice.

Both boys shout proof back at me.

“Trip, are you gonna pick out a pumpkin?” Cav says. “Your very own pumpkin?”

“I want a pumpkin!” Trip replies.

“Well guess what, Papa said we both get to pick out a pumpkin!”

Cav’s habit of speaking to his little brother like that—like Trip is still a little baby who doesn’t understand anything that’s going on, like it’s Cav’s job to explain it—usually gets on my nerves but I manage to ignore it as I roll past bored teenage attendants who direct me to the next open spot in the field full of parked cars.

“We’re here!” Noble announces. “Be careful boys, we’re in a parking lot…”

Stepping out into the crisp morning air, a deep cleansing breath helps to ease that lingering tension in my gut. In my frantic, last minute research of this fall festival, I read about all the events and activities to make a mental list of everything I thought we’d all enjoy. But I know Noble’s right, I need to relax and let the day unfold organically.

It’s not about checking boxes and rushing from place to place to cover every activity that caught my eye. Hell, Cav and Trip would probably be thrilled to spend the entire damn day on the moonbounces. It’ll be a fun, memorable weekend even if we don’t make it to every single attraction.

“Is there snacks here? Can we get popcorn?” Cav chatters across the parking lot. “Can we get a pumpkin that weighs a million pounds? Are we gonna see the inside? The slimy stuff…?”

“Snacks, yes. Popcorn, we’ll see. Million pound pumpkin, only if Papa carries it to the car,” I reply.

“Nuh-uh,” Noble tells him. “I’m the brains of this operation. Daddy’s the brawn.”

“What’s brawn?”

“Brawn means big, strong muscles.”

“I have big strong muscles!” Cav brings his fists up in a flex, nearly whacking the woman in front of us in line. “I’m the brawn.”

“Hey, son, watch out for other people,” Noble warns.

“Are you going to carry a million pound pumpkin to the car?” I ask Cav.

“I carry the pumpkin!” Trip insists.

“You’ll both get to carry a pumpkin.”

“Next in line?”

Noble and I usher the boys to the painted plywood booth. “Two adults and two kids,” Noble says.

“He’s three, is he free?” I wonder, swinging Trip up onto my hip.

“Sorry, just two and under. Do you want one-day admission or weekend passes? That includes the hot air balloon launch tomorrow.”

“We’ll do the whole weekend.”

While Noble pays, I manage to get green paper wristbands onto both boys and myself. Then we emerge from the gateway into the wide, dead grass expanse of the pumpkin patch.

“Whoa it’s a—!”

Cav is already barreling forward as I turn to Noble, his face a reflection of my own caught somewhere between amusement and shock. “Did he just—?”

“What did you say, Cav?” I call.

“It’s a bitch! Dad! Take a picture!”

“It’s a witch,” I insist. “A witch is… a magical woman. Bitch is not a nice word. We don’t ever say that, okay?”

I’m sure he’s not listening to me as he poses next to the wooden board painted with a cartoon witch, cat, and frog with open ovals where their faces should be. “No buddy, you have to go behind it and put your face in the hole…” I try to explain.

“Cav, Cav. Come here.” Noble tugs him by the arm and they disappear around the back of the photo prop with Trip. A second later their heads appear in the face holes and I snap a couple of quick pictures.

“I wanna see!” Trip shouts, while behind him Cav takes off in some other direction. Noble catches my eye with a happy, goofball smirk before chasing after him and I can’t help the little laugh that escapes me.

The kids’ enthusiasm is contagious and Noble and I just follow their lead. Within the first hour we hit up a moonbounce, climb on a display tractor and a huge pile of hay bales, take a detour to the line of port-o-potties, and convince the boys to ride down the giant homemade hill slides on our laps. And they don’t let us pass any of those painted photo-op boards without stopping for more pictures.

It’s been hard, parenting Cav and Trip, in ways we didn’t quite expect. Adding two preschoolers to our family certainly took some adjustment but we were pretty well prepared for those challenges, at least as much as first-time parents can be. The part that nobody warned us about was the inevitable drama of foster care — the constant scrutiny, the arbitrary demands, the frustration of sharing kids who feel like ours with another parent whose questionable decisions drag them, and us, down all kinds of unpredictable roads.

But here, away from the relentless bustle of the city, all that feels far away — almost like a whole different life. Here it’s just us, a normal family having normal fun, nobody looking over our shoulders. Standing next to my husband, who looks all casual and innocent in jeans and a thick, dark orange cardigan like he doesn’t know what he does to me. Watching our kids squeal in delight, free and uncontained and totally fascinated by the open space and the fresh air and the pit filled with dried corn kernels that will surely find their way back to our house like a thousand unwanted souvenirs.

No obligations, no real agenda — a strange feeling, entirely unfamiliar. Just this warm, overwhelming affection blooming in my chest against the chilly air as our younger son clambers back to us from across the corn kernel sandbox.

“Daddy! I wanna ride the train!” Trip announces, pointing at the tractor dragging a chain of little orange cars behind it.

I agree easily. “Alright, let’s go ride the train. Cav!”

“No, not the train!” Cav whines. “I want to do the big one with the big tractor where there’s ghosts!”

“We’ll do that too, the big hayride. After this, though, come on.”

Noble turns to me a moment later, a knowing grin on his face as the boys rumble away on the train. “Having fun yet?”

“I suppose,” I offer my easy answer as I try for another picture of the train.

His teasing elbow digs into my side. “Give me a break, you love this shit.”

“This? Having fun with them? Sure. But the port-o-potty situation here...”

He cracks up, throwing his head back with that whole-body laugh of his that never fails to charm me. “Okay, god, I’ll handle the next bathroom break. But come on. This is amazing.”

“It is,” I acquiesce with a chuckle. “Oh, but look. We’ve got to make them keep their heads up in those picture boards. Every single one, they’re looking down at themselves.”

Flipping through my phone, he sees what I’m talking about — all these pictures of the tops of the boys’ heads sticking through face holes as they look down at their painted corn cob or scarecrow or superhero bodies.

“It’s a difficult concept, clearly,” Noble laughs. “And hey, if my choices are looking up at you or looking down at my off-brand Superman six-pack, I’d probably choose the six-pack too.”

“I don’t need anyone to paint me fake abs. I’ve got the real thing.” I smack my hand against my stomach for emphasis, a quiet thump over my zipped hoodie. “Which you could too if you cut down on the pancakes and bacon—”

“Hey, okay, some ass-flavored green smoothie might be good enough for you in the morning but I’m not sending my kids to school without a real breakfast.”

“Yes, right, you’re father of the year,” I tease. “With the dad-bod to go with it.”

“Hey!” He drops his shoulder and checks me sideways, knocking me off balance a couple of steps until I grab his arm to steady myself. “Not even close. And like, I didn’t hear you complaining yesterday morning…”

“This is a family place, dude,” I warn.

“Where’d you even learn the term dad-bod?” He scoffs. “Like you’re all young and hip or something. Old man.”

I straighten my shoulders set my narrowed gaze on him. “Old man? That’s not what you were saying yesterday morning—”

“Look who’s back!” Noble interrupts loudly as the train rolls to a stop in front of us. “Did you have fun, guys?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Cav shrugs like he’s too cool for this toddler train business. But the smile he’s failing to hide gives him away.

“Papa, I want popcorn!” Trip shouts.

“Yeah, popcorn!”

“Okay, let’s go find popcorn,” Noble agrees. As soon as he sets Trip down he’s running off with his brother, leaving the two of us to scramble quickly behind.

Our pace doesn’t seem to slow down for the rest of the day as Noble and I chase the boys around the property — moonbounces again, the petting zoo, a near-meltdown from Trip at the face painting booth, the big hayride that Cav insists on even though the sound effects that come from the bedsheet ghosts in the trees along the route freak him out. But the boys are still going strong and it’s my and Noble’s own exhaustion that finally makes us herd them to the expansive pile of choose-your-own pumpkins so we can accomplish that task and head back to the cabin for the night.

“There’s a million pumpkins!” Cav exclaims, his brown eyes wide in the waning fall sunlight. “I’m gonna get the biggest one.”

“Better get to work then, dude,” Noble tells him. “Climb on up there, go ahead.”

While Cav navigates his way to the middle of the pumpkin pile, Trip doesn’t make it past the first pumpkins he sees. “I want this one!” He shouts every time he tries to pick up a nice average-sized squash before it proves too heavy for him and he moves on to another one. I trail behind him, paying no attention to Noble and Cav climbing away in search of the biggest pumpkin they can find — which turns out to be a mistake.

“Daddy! Dad, me and Papa found the best pumpkin! It’s huuuuge!”

It takes me a second to follow Cav’s voice and then I scoop up Trip around his middle, tearing him away from his latest pumpkin of choice to reach his brother in the middle of the pile.

Noble stands on one foot with the other propped on their prize like he’s conquered it. “Look, Daddy, Cav found the one.”

“Oh he did, huh?” I pass Trip to Noble and circle to evaluate the pumpkin from all angles. “That’s a really big pumpkin, bud. I don’t know if we can even get it out of this pile to buy it.”

“Yes we can!” Cav insists. “I’ll help—” he squats, braced against nearby pumpkins, and tries to grip but his little arms barely reach halfway around this beast. He grunts and carries on with genuine effort but after an amusing moment he gives up with a sigh. “I think you gotta get it, Dad.”

“Cav, buddy, I don’t think…”

“Please?” He whines. “I want this one!”

“He wants this one!” Noble echoes.

“Then you pick it up,” I mutter at him under my breath.

Noble bounces Trip in the air and catches him. “My hands are full. It’s all you, boss.”

My dumbass husband — of course he’s over here acting like we can totally bring this thing home, he can’t say no to these kids. And I’m left to bring everyone back down to earth.

“It’s just too big—”

“Just use your muscles, Dad!” Cav insists, and dammit, I find myself humoring him too.

“Oh, geez. Alright, I’ll try. Watch out.”

Crouching, I act like I’m finding a good grip. But this thing must weigh sixty or seventy pounds, and with other pumpkins piled around it there’s no easy way for me to heave it out of here.

“I’m sorry, Cav,” I announce. “You’re going to have to choose another one. Something normal sized.”

“No, this one!”

“We can’t—”

“Please? Papa said!”

“Papa said we’d ask Daddy, and Daddy says no,” Noble interjects.

God, except for Trip losing it a little at the feeling of a paintbrush on his face — a disaster that was easily averted — we’ve had such a good day. But now Cav is nearing tantrum territory and I’m not sure anything short of this impossible pumpkin will make him happy.

I reach over and take Trip from Noble. “This is your mess,” I tell him over Cav’s indignant whining. “Come on Trip, we’ll go find you a little pumpkin.”

By now Cav has plopped his butt on a nearby pumpkin, arms crossed, facing away from us so we can’t see his classic grumpy pout. I let Trip loose with a bunch of other toddlers at an outer pile of smaller pumpkins, keeping one eye on him and one on Noble as he crouches next to Cav. Before long they get up and start perusing again. Cav still doesn’t look thrilled, but at least he seems to be moving on.

Trip is still jumping happily from small pumpkin to small pumpkin when Cav and Noble find us, a nice, reasonable, medium-sized pumpkin in Noble’s arms. “We’ve reached an agreement,” he announces. “Instead of one giant pumpkin — one medium pumpkin and one small pumpkin.”

“Yeah because medium plus small is like a big one,” Cav explains.

“Oh-kay,” I agree. “Sounds like a plan. Go ahead and pick a little one so we can go back to the cabin and watch a movie before bed.”

“Trip, you gotta go get your medium pumpkin so you have a medium one and a small one,” I hear Cav say.

“I think Trip is happy with his little one,” Noble calls before I can ask him exactly how many pumpkins we’ll be buying today.

“Couldn’t stick to the plan, could you?” I muse.

Balancing Cav’s pumpkin on one hip, he finds my hand with his free one and squeezes. “Hey, okay, the kid’s hardly seen a real pumpkin before, much less carved one—”

“I know, I know. I’m glad they have you around to make sure they get those experiences. We just need to, you know, be a little realistic.”

“And I’m glad we’ve got you to be realistic for us,” he murmurs. “Because fuck, I was not excited about carrying that beast home up three flights of stairs—”

“Shut up, you would’ve made me do it anyway,” I scoff.

“I would’ve… helped…”

“Liar.”

“I would have!” He insists.

“You’re a dirty liar,” I shoot back.

“I don’t know about liar, but that dirty part—”

“Oh god,” I cackle, leaning into him before I take the pumpkin he’s been holding. “Keep it in your pants, huh? And go help your son. That pumpkin’s about to knock him over.”

***

“Are they down?”

“Didn’t wake up at all,” Noble assures me. “Perfect transfers. I’m magical. Like a witch.”

“Oh good. Here you go.” I push a drink towards him across the counter and he takes it as he returns to the couch to turn off the Disney movie that the boys just fell asleep watching.

“This is okay,” he muses.

“Just okay? Is it not strong enough?” I take another inquisitorial sip of my own margarita.

“No, no, it’s pretty good. It’s just not, like, Ben’s Paloma good.”

I let out an incredulous laugh as I realize he’s just teasing. “Oh yeah? So you wish Ben and Scott hadn’t bailed, hmm?”

“It’d be fun if they were here,” he says. “We could play poker and I’d have some actual competition—”

“Oh!” I call out, a hand coming up to my chest like he’s wounded me. “They make better drinks, they play better cards…”

“They’d’ve let us bring home that huge pumpkin,” Noble adds.

“You’re as bad as the kids,” I tell him.

“It was an awesome pumpkin!”

“Well you know what—” I finish straightening up the small kitchen and grab my drink to join him. “I’m glad they’re not here.”

“That so?”

“Mhmm. Because if they were here, and we were playing poker and trying to carve some huge-ass pumpkin, then we’d be pretty busy.”

“Busy?” He stretches back against the couch cushions, propping one arm across the top as his gaze wanders openly down my grey t-shirt.

“Busy,” I repeat. “Too busy for this—”

Leaving my drink on the rustic end table, I smoothly drop to his lap, my knees settling on either side. With my hands free I’m quickly all over him, fingers turning his head up to meet my lips while my opposite palm slides down between us.

“Mmm, god, I’m never too busy for this.”

I shut him up with a hard, insistent kiss. He wastes no time reaching under my t-shirt, his hands a cold contrast against my skin after holding his icy glass, pushing the fabric up my torso until I duck out of it. As soon as I do, he steals the leverage I have over him and swoops me sideways, following quickly on top of me where I land on my back. My fists are in his hair, squeezing hard so I don’t make too much noise as he works biting kisses down to my shoulder.

Just as his touch trails lower, a suspicious noise from down the hallway stops us both short.

“I thought you said they were asl—”

“They were,” he insists. “Shh.”

Listening again, we’re met with only silence.

“Must've been the wind,” I conclude.

He pushes his weight off of me, sitting up on his knees. “Still. Does the bedroom door lock…?”

“I didn’t notice.”

“Let’s hope.”

I reach a hand up and he grabs my wrist, heaving me up off the couch. “What if it doesn’t?” I wonder.

“Well then.” He slides a hand into the waistband of my gym shorts, where he snaps the elastic against my skin. “I guess you’ll just have to stay quiet, won’t you?”

[moldy-mold]

Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted.  At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan.  My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.” 
Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!
 https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

What I’ve Been Reading #2

Hey People of Earth!

I recently started a new series on this blog (titled above), where I reflect on the last few books I’ve read. I’m doing this mostly to keep myself accountable because I’m notoriously bad at committing myself to reading. So far, reading has been far greater than it’s been in the past--I’m definitely getting into the rhythm of things. I read some amaaaazing books this time around (since approx. November), and these are them:

1. The Darkest Legacy by Alexandra Bracken

This is book four in The Darkest Minds series, and was just recently released (last summer). Whilst I’ve drifted from YA in the last few years, this series was such a huge favourite of mine when I was younger, and I thought I’d give this book a go for nostalgia’s sake. Also, I truly admire Alex as an author, and wanted to support her! Here’s the summary:

Five years after the destruction of the so-called rehabilitation camps that imprisoned her and countless other Psi kids, seventeen-year-old Suzume "Zu" Kimura has assumed the role of spokesperson for the interim government, fighting for the rights of Psi kids against a growing tide of misinformation and prejudice. But when she is accused of committing a horrifying act, she is forced to go on the run once more in order to stay alive. Determined to clear her name, Zu finds herself in an uncomfortable alliance with Roman and Priyanka, two mysterious Psi who could either help her prove her innocence or betray her before she gets the chance. But as they travel in search of safety and answers, and Zu grows closer to the people she knows she shouldn't trust, they uncover even darker things roiling beneath the veneer of the country's recovery. With her future-and the future of all Psi-on the line, Zu must use her powerful voice to fight back against forces that seek to drive the Psi into the shadows and save the friends who were once her protectors.

What drew me to it: Like I mentioned, its mother series was a mega favourite of mine in grade 8, and whilst I’ve grown out of YA, I was curious to see where the story went, five years in the future. I read about 60% of it on page, and listened to the rest on and of over the course of a few months. I started it in August, and finished it on New Year’s Eve. Not the fault of the book, that’s totally me being Very Bad at commitment. I’ve really enjoyed Alex’s novels in audiobook format, and this one was no exception (I think, if I were to read it again, I’d listen to the audiobook: it’s like listening to a television show!)

My rating: 3/5

Why: This is really due to the fact that I no longer am very interested in YA. In all truths, I got into YA early, and got out of it even earlier because apparently I am a sixty year old woman?? I started my journey with YA in grade seven, and it ended around the end of grade eight. After that, I had trouble finding YA books I could enjoy/relate to, not that the books were any less, or bad because of this, but because I was just an injustice to them (I’ve always been a strange reader). This is why I don’t really read YA anymore because I feel like I rate them unfairly because I’m not super big on the category anymore. It just (rightfully) didn’t give me what I’m most currently interested in in books (horrible people; horrible relationships; morally grey protagonists), because of course the category is different to what I read now! With that said, I think, if I’d read this book in my Peak YA Moment (grade 7-8), I’d definitely have given it a 5 star rating. It was super entertaining and funny and nostalgic, and made me miss a series so pivotal in my writing journey. If you love YA, and this series, I think this book is definitely worth the read! That was a thiccccc tangent. 

2. Past Lives, Future Bodies by Kristin Chang

This is a really quick poetry collection (that I spoiler: looooved). This is the summary:

PAST LIVES, FUTURE BODIES is a knife-sharp and nimble examination of migration, motherhood, and the malignant legacies of racism. In this collection, family forms both a unit of survival and a framework for history, agency, and recovery. Chang undertakes a visceral exploration of the historical and unfolding paths of lineage and what it means to haunt body and country. These poems traverse not only the circularity of trauma but the promise of regeneration—what grows from violence and hatches from healing—as Chang embodies each of her ghosts and invites the specter to speak. 

What drew me to it: @shaelinwrites rec’d it to me on my last update, and I fell in love with the premise. I’m *cheap* so was very excited to be gifted it by my Grandma for Christmas. (I actually read it on Christmas!)

My rating: 5/5

Why: Kristin Chang is literally so skilled with her use of the line break? I was shook? This is my second collection of poetry that I’ve read, following (no shade) Rupi Kaur’s The Sun and Her Flowers, which, I felt kinda made the line break feel gimmicky? So this collection definitely reinvented it for me. Her poems are so punchy, and thoughtful, and you can truly feel the experience built into the backbone of every one of them. When I panic wrote some poetry for my writing class, I used it as comfort reference and was amazed at how deliberate she is with her words. I also found so much of its commentary on race so relatable. It’s definitely a collection I’ll keep re-reading. I’d recommend this if, like me, you’re just starting out in poetry--a perfect way to acclimate yourself to a new form!

3. God of Shadows by Lorna Crozier

*Rachel vigorously trying to diversify her reading.* The summary:

The poet Lorna Crozier has always been brilliant at fusing the ordinary with the other-worldly in strange and surprising ways. Now the Governor General's Literary Award-winning author of Inventing the Hawk returns with God of Shadows, a wryly wise book that offers a polytheistic gallery of the gods we never knew existed and didn't know we needed. To read these poems is to be ready to offer your own prayers to the god of shadows, the god of quirks, and the god of vacant houses. Sing new votive hymns to the gods of horses, birds, cats, rats, and insects. And give thanks at the altars of the gods of doubt, guilt, and forgetting. What life-affirming questions have these deities come to ask? Perhaps it is simply this: How can poems be at once so profound, original and lively, and also so much fun?

What drew me to it: At this point I’m just stalking @shaelinwrites​’ Goodreads because her reading taste is on pointttt. I’ve also been dying to read more poetry, and branch out into different forms of writing, so I can be a little *prepared* for school, so I thought I’d take a peek at this collection. 

My rating: 5/5

Why: This collection is so beautiful! I read it super quickly, and fell in love with the concept immediately. I think Crozier explored such unique ideas with super unique language, and I live for it. This collection gave me perspective on ‘gods’ I’d never even thought about. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re looking into reading some prose poetry!

4. The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin

I finished this book today, and now have trust issues and feel like I’m in a constant state of wanting to cry. Here’s the summary:

If you knew the date of your death, how would you live your life?

It's 1969 in New York City's Lower East Side, and word has spread of the arrival of a mystical woman, a traveling psychic who claims to be able to tell anyone the day they will die. The Gold children—four adolescents on the cusp of self-awareness—sneak out to hear their fortunes.

The prophecies inform their next five decades. Golden-boy Simon escapes to the West Coast, searching for love in '80s San Francisco; dreamy Klara becomes a Las Vegas magician, obsessed with blurring reality and fantasy; eldest son Daniel seeks security as an army doctor post-9/11; and bookish Varya throws herself into longevity research, where she tests the boundary between science and immortality.

A sweeping novel of remarkable ambition and depth, The Immortalists probes the line between destiny and choice, reality and illusion, this world and the next. It is a deeply moving testament to the power of story, the nature of belief, and the unrelenting pull of familial bonds.

What drew me to it: I actually don’t know?? I put it on hold at my library in October, and was loaned it in January (looooong waitlist). So I can’t remember why I wanted to read it, probably because 1969 was in the premise lmao. I actually completely forgot about placing a hold on it because it’d been two months, so by the time I got the email notification, I’d forgotten what it was about. Oftentimes, I’m Bad, and leave my loans for weeks, forgetting about them, but I was intrigued by seeing I’d received this loan because I couldn’t remember placing it/why I placed it. I quickly re-read the summary, and immediately started reading because it reminded me a lot of the Haunting of Hill House sibling dynamic, and I was on board!

My rating: 5/5 stars soaked in all my tears

Why: This book is SO good, I literally can’t think about it too much because I will cry, lol. I’m not one to get emotional over books, but this book touched me in a place I didn’t know existed?? Like I didn’t know I had emotions before reading this book?? Apparently I do?? It also left me feeling stunned with a whole bucket of life lessons, and similarly to getting emotional, I’m not a reader to really take away a whole new worldview after reading something, but this book was like NOPE, here’s some THOUGHTS. I think I might’ve loved it so much because the four siblings it follows remind me a lot of my siblings (tag yourself I’m Klara, @sarahkelsiwrites is Varya). I too am a sibling of four with a similar composition to the novel’s (two boys, two girls), so the actual heartbreak of realizing that one day, there ain’t always gonna be four of us struck me so hard I was not prepared?? The characters are BEAUTIFUL, and my heart aches so much after finishing this, I almost don’t know what to do with myself... If you liked the sibling dynamic in the Haunting of Hill House (me!!), you’ll probably dig this book. Benjamin’s writing is also gorgeous; straightforward, but so detailed and lush at the same time. I don’t often see books in third present, so this was a delight for me to read. Also: I’m no expert on any of the topics in this book, but to me, a Fool, this book felt so well researched? This isn’t something I ever notice in books, but it surprisingly really added to the reading experience. 

TL;DR: I’m literally an emotional wreck because of this book and have a whole new perspective on life, if you too want to be an emotional wreck, defs join in on the fUN.

So that’s it for this reading update! All of these books in this update were wonderful! Making me antsy to read more for sure! I’m currently attempting to read more short story collections, so if anyone has recs, hit me up! ‘Scuse me while I go sob!

--Rachel

[helvreads]

What Color is Your Aura? by Barbara Bowers, Ph.D.

okay, I’m a sucker for cheese.  You may have noticed this.  If you haven’t, you will by the end of this.  And who doesn’t love auras?  They’re so much fun! I had more opinions than I expected, so review is behind the cut.

This book is setup as a questionnaire with sections on the different colors, so about what you’d expect.  I honestly forgot why this had been on my shelf for so long because it should be a fast read. And then I got to the questionnaire.  98 questions, yeesh!  So looooong.  But we can do this.  I don’t like to write in books because I cull from time to time and it reduces the pittance you can get.  So I jotted everything down in word.  Most of these things, the scoring is simple, mostly 5s gets you one answer, mostly sixes, another, etc.  Or they might get complex and like, questions 1-4, if you answer x it means y and so on.

Not this bitch of a questionnaire.  It plays fucking number soup.  I had to used a bloody spread sheet to get my scores.  Basically make seven columns 14 values high.  so the first column is 1-14, the next 15-28, and so on.  Then add them up horizontally to get your totals for each color.  The score sheet in the book has this all laid out, but you’re tearing that fucker out if you’re going to use it.  Oh, and once you get your totals, you’re supposed to fold on a line to reveal the aura colors each corresponds to.  Also, if your numbers are too similar, you have to do it again, really thinking about shit. “Go back and find the group of questions that is most representative of what you truly believe about yourself.”

Bitch, I ain’t going through this again.

So I pulled my highest score, which gave me blue (fortunately not one of the four shades of tan).  It’s accurate in some ways and horrifically off in others, like any horoscope.  Basically I’m an emotional nurturer and loooove people. Oh, and I’m not assertive enough.  Worth noting is that this is copyrighted 1989, because blues are mostly women and good career options include “placing temporaries, doing bookkeeping and accounting, or performing personal grooming services.”  While I will cop to being indecisive and often ending up being a sounding board, the above is horse shit.  I loathe social obligations, and rarely have trouble telling people to fuck off when necessary.  I would also rather die than do accounting or bookkeeping, and I feel like “personal grooming services” is purely a product of it’s time, as there’s no fucking way I would ever be a hairdresser or manicurist.  While I do respect those professions, I would die.  I also take umbrage at the spirituality section, as it refers only to God (there are a number of questions on the topic).  Granted, 1989 wasn’t the most spiritually enlightened time, so it’s no wonder they didn’t go with a vague “divine.” 

My next highest was magenta, but it had the same sort of, part of this is accurate, part is not, like any generic horoscope.

Of course, the author would probably say that it’s inaccurate because I failed to look at my answers again, but if your questionnaire is *that* complicated, it should be fucking accurate the first time. I also think it’s worth noting that I actually have had a photo taken of my aura via kirlian photography and the colors were all warm--orange, red orange, yellow, and gold.  The descriptions for that were totally generic, but significantly more accurate and that was definitely for “entertainment purposes only.”

I won’t lie, I ragequit this thing, but I demand my point for my time and it’s coming off the shelf.

points earned: 1

total points: 14.75

[jbuffyangel]

Weekly Rundown 10/21/18-10/26/18

Time to rundown what I’m watching, loving, hating and everything in between! Spoilers ahead! Full episode reviews and reactions are linked in the titles.

Daredevil Season 3

Just so y’all know - most nuns do not wear their habits in public anymore. It’s been that way since Vatican II, but TV refuses to catch up.

The action is amaaaaazing again. I love how Matt actually gets tired when he’s fighting.

I don’t want Matt to put that ugly Daredevil suit on again he looks ridiculous. Keep the black mask and call it a day.

I want Foggy to propose very badly. I need a Foggy wedding in Season 4.

Is there any particular reason why Karen didn’t haul ass to Frank’s Punisher lair when her life was in danger and Matty Mcbrown eyes was off Daredeviling an existential crisis? That’s where I’d go.

Matt refusing to ask the other Defenders help because “it’s not their fight” is the stupidest reason ever.

Arrow (“The Longbow Hunters”)

It is a bit creepy when Stan says, “I bet a guy like that would do anything to keep his family safe.” Maybe Stan is a nuthouse, but leave me to my dream for now.

Is it me or did Yorke look older than 40? 1978????

Deputy Director Bell is evil. Calling it now.

The Longbow Hunters don’t actually use bows. This is a twist I did not see coming.

Bl*ck S*ren can’t lawyer worth a damn, but she can wear a suit.

“Stay behind me.” That was oddly hot Rene. I’m wildly uncomfortable that I find you attractive right now, but it is what it is.

Rene: Been back in town a week and you’re already sneaking out of A.R.G.U.S. behind Papa Dig’s back? I’m so proud.

Felicity: Thanks man.

This whole exchange was delightful and not remotely derogatory like “Blondie.” THY NAME IS CHARACTER GROWTH.

“Grab your balls Curtis, we’re going in.” If the Rene character only exists to say this one line of dialogue then it was worth it.

Why didn’t BS and Dinah go after the Longbow Hunter? What is up with allowing all these criminals to run away at a moderately brisk pace and our people acting like they can’t catch them? They are called legs! Move your ass!  

BITCH YOU BETTER NOT STEP ON THAT PHOTO!!!!!!!

Legends of Tomorrow  (“The Virgin Gary”)

Legends Season 4 premiere is fantastic and full of all the hi-jinks I’ve missed over hiatus.

“Speaking of the same old crap isn’t that what he did last year?”Legends gets points for acknowledging that Wally gets the storyline shaft a lot.

When you are officially a hero the time bureau gives you a medal, but I was more excited about the balloons.

It would be super weird if the Legends spent more than a day in 2018.

Remember when Oliver asked Sara to move in with him and she went running screaming in the other direction? It all worked out because Sara knew he was really in love with Felicity. I’m just saying she’s come a looooong way.

I want to be clear about one thing and it’s not up for debate. Ready? The best thing about Legends is Mick. It’s always Mick. That is all.

OMG NATE’S FATHER IS BIFF FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE?????!!!!!!!! THIS IS SPECTACULAR CASTING!!!

Manifest “Connecting Flights”

It was nice to fill in the back story of the characters left behind after the plane went missing, however the show is starting to lose my attention. I need more movement on these character relationships. Manifest is hitting a lot of the same notes week after week.

This Is Us (“Toby”)

Randall is going ahead with the city council job? Are they independently wealthy Does no one have to work?

Baby Toby is the cutest.

Holy crap is this how in vitro really works? It’s so friggin expensive and no guarantees. Wow, my sympathies to all those who have gone through this excruciating process.

Randall unbuttoning his shirt is all the reason I need to vote for him. Done deal. 

Toby used his wonderful sense of humor to cheer up his depressed Mom. Ugh my heart.

But for real though sometimes you need just “one damn day.” #MomLife

Three hours to get ready Kate? Just as an FYI - that’s all over when you have a baby. You’ll be lucky to get a shower.

Miguel carried a piano up stairs to cheer Rebecca up. That’s love.

“There’s so much of her in you it scares me.” THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY TO YOUR CHILD ASSHOLE.

A+ on the prom dresses. Absolutely what I wore in high school. We were fashionista slaves in the late nineties.

Kate’s impression of Adele is dead on.

Miguel tries so hard. He’s just trying to keep his promise to Jack.

Rebecca is such an amazing mom. Kate doesn’t give her nearly enough credit.

KATE IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Rookie (Pilot” and “Crash Course”)

I really loved The Rookie. I typically don’t hate procedurals, but this one has surprised me thus far. It’s fast paced, so it held my attention more. I hope it stays that way. 

I love how it is the rookies versus the training officers. It fills my Rookie Blue void.

I am not invested in any ships yet. I am not buying the romance between Nolan and Lucy so far. I actually think Lucy has more chemistry with Bradford and Nolan with the Captain.

A Million Little Things (“Friday Night Dinner” and “The Game of Your Life”)

I want to love this show, but they are making it next to impossible. I hate cheating storylines in any show. It’s one of the main reasons I quit watching Shonda Rhimes’ shows because she is unable to write one without including adultery. Arrow’s original love story revolved around cheating and was an absolute mess. It feels like a lazy way to inject drama. This cheating storyline between Eddie and Delilah is making two characters who are otherwise very likable extremely unlikable. 

Instead of jettisoning this plot into the atmosphere where it belongs and never speaking of it again, A Million Little Things is double down on it.  Delilah is pregnant! Oh wonderful, now we get to play “Who’s the Daddy?” for several weeks.

Apparently, the writers come from The Fl*sh school of writing. Characters can only be mad at other characters for one episode. All the friends found out about Eddie and Delilah’s affair and the very next week they are sitting down to pizza. It’s at Delilah’s house and Eddie’s wife Katherine comes too because FRIENDS. No. Just no.

Instead of being angry at Eddie and Delilah, the friends make excuses for them. Regina’s conversation with Delilah turned into a huge “I didn’t see your pain” apology, which is flat out ridiculous. What Delilah did was so off the charts wrong there is no excuse for it. If you are in pain see a therapist. It’s not an excuse to cheat on your husband. Also, Regina you are not to blame for Delilah lying to everyone for over two years. 

Gary, who has been the angriest, decides he’s being too hard on Eddie (ya know by actually holding him accountable for his actions) and lets Eddie move in with him after his wife finally kicked him out. Are you freaking kidding me with this? I was already mildly irked at Gary for giving Delilah a free pass, but I understood his reasoning because her husband just jumped off a building. She has been punished quite a lot. But Eddie? I think we could muster a couple episodes of anger towards Eddie.

The writers attempted drum up sympathy for Delilah by shining a little light on her seemingly perfect marriage with Jon. It’s not really perfect, but what marriage is? Jon was short with Delilah during a family dinner. He took a phone call from work and snapped, “Everything I do is for this family.” What a bastard. Of course, that is reason enough for Delilah to jump into bed with Eddie, her husband’s best friend. GIVE. ME. A. FRIGGIN. BREAK. If my husband slept with someone else every time I was cranky with him, he’d have a harem.

So, on top of being suicide apologists, the writers are adding cheating apologists. There is no reason to cheat. It’s just mean. Nobody has put a gun to your head. If you want out of your marriage you march to an attorney’s office and file for divorce. Not sure if you want a divorce? Then go to counseling. But cheating, under any circumstances, is wrong. It’s cruel and selfish. It’s trying to have your cake and eat it too. A Million Little Things trying to excuse away Eddie and Delilah’s heinous behavior is almost as bad as the cheating itself. Trying to make suicide and cheating okay with excuses is dangerous behavior. I AM NOT A FAN.

Stray Thought - on what planet is a school program presented in the middle of the freaking day? What kind of ridiculous school do Eddie and Katherine send their son to?

Blindspot (“The Quantico Affair”) 

Zapata has a very interesting running stride. Sorry I was in cross country. That stuff interests me

Roman saying "He knows. This is it. Kill him" underscores the dramatic tension.

I’m gonna need someone on Team Blindspot to pick up on Remi's side eye. Y'all are FBI agents for goodness sake.

I don't actually know what Patterson's name is, but I feel confident it is not Lisa.

I think Martin Gero saw me write "Where is Patterson's storyline?" in my last review. I could have opted for patience, but complaining loudly via written word felt like a better plan. 

Hey watch the condemnation Remi aka Jane aka double secret agent who told so many lies I can't keep it straight anymore.

OMG Rich not explaining how the tattoo was solved is the best thing ever. PLEASE DO THIS EVERY WEEK

I wanna talk about the Book of Secrets mostly because Rich calls it the Book of Secrets.

Hahaha. Her one night stand showed up at work. This is how Meredith and McDreamy began. I highly recommend elevator scenes too.

One night stand boy is Weitz's nephew. IT. JUST. GOT. BETTER

Sure Madeline come on in and check out our super secret tattoo murder board.

"Thundercats ho!" OMG was that an ad lib?

Totally ship Patterson and this dude. I should probably learn his name.

Somebody tell Rich about the one night stand. Pleeeeeeeease.

I'm not calling him Lincoln. He shall be known as "Slab of Man-Ham" forevermore.

Patterson and Rich are the perfect work wife/husband team. Remember Rich is the work wife

How does Weitz maintain employment? This may be the greatest of all Blindspot's mysteries.

Of course "Jane" and Weller are on the train Weitz. IT'S THEIR JOB. Seriously someone get this dude a DVD of #Blindspot S1-S3

Patterson girl, Jane is never that cranky with you when she's diffusing bombs. SOMEBODY NOTICE PERSONALITY CHANGES PLEASE!!!

"You're new here." ALL KNEEL TO PATTERSON.

[bigskydreaming]

hope this isnt too personal, but does your motel give a discount if you book a longer stay? i know you are gonna be looking for an apartment, but since you are there now, is there a certain amount of time that they start giving a discount? that way if someone is unsure of what to donate at least they have some type of number in mind, if that makes sense

Hey, no worries on the question front, I don’t mind answering. This is probably gonna get longer/more involved than you needed, but a few people have asked me similar questions and so its worth it probably to make a post that covers all of them in depth, all in one go to save time. So, your answer’s in here lol, take what you need and ignore what you don’t! Haha.

So yes, the motel I’m staying at, they give me about as much of a discount as they give anyone, and have for awhile, since I’ve been here pretty consistently since like…August, lol. So, they charge me $85 per day instead of their usual $95 for weekdays and $115 for weekends, and yup, its still a very rundown roach motel, so if you think that seems way expensive, like…you’re not wrong, but also…its LA. *Shrugs* 

This isn’t to say that there’s not cheaper motels anywhere in LA, there’s just a couple other pretty critical factors involved there. First, it’s the cheapest I’ve found in my area, which is the area where I’ve been looking for an apartment, a part of town I’m familiar with, can get around to most places I need to go on foot, as well as having a pretty easy straightforward route to all the places I eventually need to go for my ongoing treatment/procedures. And yeah, this area is far from the cheapest in LA to live, but its not impossible either. There are one bedrooms in this area for around $1,400 a month, which again is expensive, but since my various issues have made finding a roommate/renting a room from total strangers pretty hard to find and living by myself is still my likeliest option, it is what it is. And when you consider that even in this motel I’ve been basically paying $2,600 a month, like…when I get I finally get into a place, that’ll still ease things for me tremendously because even a one bedroom at a price like that is a thousand bucks a month I won’t have to make.

And one of the other big factors is that mobility is a huge issue for me. I don’t actually think that public transpo is as bad of an issue in LA as a lot of people make it out to be - I mean, most cities do it better and the buses and metros can be pretty unreliable sometimes, but I’ve never had a huge problem using it to get to most places in the city when I’ve been without a car in the past. But the biggest drawback to my physical condition these days isn’t actually the pain or headaches, like, they suck but I can deal with them. It’s the vertigo that trips me up, because my equilibrium is all fucked and can shift randomly like with zero warning. So walking pretty much anywhere I can be moving along fine and then bam, I’m staggering like I’m drunk or even more fun, just fall flat on my ass. So walking nowadays is a very slow affair for me, not because of my pace, but because I have to keep stopping and starting and leaning up against walls any time I feel a new bout of vertigo start coming and need some extra balance until it passes. 

(Random Sidebar, but Pokemon Go is such an unexpected lifesaver, lmao, I can’t even tell you. I fucking love that thing and have it out anywhere I go, because its soooooo much better having to stop randomly in the middle of the sidewalk and hug a wall when people going by can see it and go oh he’s just trying to catch a Pokemon or battle that Gym instead of like, assuming you’re on a ten am bender or tripping out or something). 

Anyway, all of that makes it pretty much impossible to predict how long it’ll take me to walk places, and which makes it definitely impossible to catch an already unreliable bus or metro on time unless I leave way in advance to catch a bus that’s even a mile away. And most places in LA can be reached by bus or metro, but you usually have to take a lot of transfers, there’s not a lot of straight shots from A to B, and that’s what really gets me. Because the odds of me making it to the bus stop I gotta walk to after getting off at one spot and actually catch the next bus when my apps tell me to based on the routes I mapped out…they’re not good. LOL. And Uber gets expensive fast when trying to make it around LA, its not really an alternative when your budget is stretched as thin as you can make it already.

So traveling anywhere these days is typically a day long affair for me, no matter where I’m going. So I’ve definitely explored trying to stay in other cheaper locations or renting airbnbs which have better discounts for longer stays, but when you factor in my mobility issues and usual travel times…its not really as feasible as it seems at first glance. The apartment hunt is a big part of that….I pretty much HAVE to stay in the same area as I apartment hunt, since I have to do that on foot or else waste whole hours missing buses and waiting for the next ones, and with as long as it takes me to walk places….when I’ve tried staying in cheaper motels further away, by the time I even get to where I’m actually searching for apartments, I’m lucky if I can make it to two or three different locations to even get an application, before I have to start trekking back to where I’m staying.

And every day I spend apartment hunting or even traveling is a day that’s pretty much a complete wash as far as work goes. Like, with my savings looooong since wiped out completely, I live day to day, spending money about as quickly as I make it. Which means at the prices I’m talking, $85 a day for motel plus $10-$15 for food that day, (since the only way to get an actual meal without a kitchen or easy access to a nearby food bank or shelter is any take out places in the area, which add up fast) - essentially, I’ve been working nonstop every single day I can for at least the past seven months, busting my ass to make a minimum of $100 bucks a day, because that’s pretty much what it costs for me to keep just treading water at the current status quo. So anything short of a hundred dollars I make in a day tends to go immediately towards the cost of surviving, and anything more than that gets saved up to allow me even like a single day of apartment hunting or other necessary travel. Because a day I have to spend entirely walking and busing around is a day there’s no chance of me making $100, so I can only do that in the first place when I’ve managed to save up enough to take a day ‘off’ from work. 

Which, lol, means what is a day off, even? I can’t remember, haha, there’s nothing restful or relaxing about the days I have to spend traveling or walking around, let alone the days where I just can’t find enough work to make my $100. Same reason homeless shelters aren’t really viable for me at the moment. I’ve stayed in a couple at a few points in the past, years ago, and sure they’re not fun but its like, whatever, you know. But in my current state like….not spending money on a motel for the day(s) I’m staying in a shelter doesn’t actually mean I’m saving money if I’m not making even that much per day while in a shelter. Because if I can’t even get online to work while there and I end up having to travel even just to a Starbucks (with all my stuff) to work for the day, like, that already substantially cuts into how much time I actually have to work and how stressed I am which affects productivity, etc….which means it would end up taking two or three days to make as much as I need for even one day in a motel.  And so it doesn’t really save me money, it just makes it easier to fall into the trap of not being able to ever get back OUT of the shelter and into somewhere else again without any real benefit in the first place.

So, all of that also means that even days spent traveling to cheaper motels or airbnbs end up costing me just as much in lost work as I save in cheaper rent. Also, my material possessions at the moment are just few enough that I can take them all with me when I move from place to place, but that’s still enough that when even walking around and taking buses empty handed is….An Adventure, like….doing so while lugging all your shit in a couple bags that are pretty heavy when its been over a year since your last workout and you’re scrawnier than you’ve ever been in your life, lmao, like….that’s A Super Fun Adventure that tbh I try and avoid as much as humanly possible. The nearest laundromat from where I am is only a half mile away, and Laundry Day alone is so much fun I just can’t even, lolol.

And all of that’s what led to me posting my first donation post last month and this one, because when you’re only surviving on the money you make each day, a single day of not making your quota can wipe you out. I was sick for like, three days at the start of last month and that was all it took to set me impossibly behind and with peoples’ donations being the only way I managed to get on top of shit again. But then on top of that, December was always gonna be a hard month to keep meeting my daily work quota cuz of people busy with and budgeting for the holidays, and so I still only scraped by the later weeks in the month thanks to the donations I had saved from that first post and still wound up right back here in the same kinda position anyway. I’m actually a couple days behind on rent again, hence why I posted that new post yesterday, but I’ve been able to stay just under Too Far Behind, like at a point where I’m still paying something day by day so they’re giving me a chance to catch up this time. (And much thanks to the people who already donated yesterday and this morning, you’ve helped me eat and close that gap and between that and work I’m getting closer to back on top of that again, so I can start saving up to resume my apartment search and actually have money to give one when I find it).

Anyway, that should cover most of the questions I’ve gotten, lol, in my usual TMI sort of way. But idk, not anything to do with any of the anons I’ve had about this, but I think its useful for people to have more detailed breakdowns of stuff like that in general, because until someone’s been at the point of homelessness themselves, I think most people really don’t have any real sense of what that entails or how it happens. And that’s purely on the perception we’re given by society of homelessness and who ends up homeless and why. The poorer you get or the less able-bodied or ‘high-functioning’ (ugh hate that phrase but for lack of a better known one) you become, the more expensive it ends up being to survive, because of how fewer options society provides for you to choose from like….across the board, in every thing you do or need. And then society likes to point out the hail mary’s they grudgingly put in place to ‘catch’ the people who inevitably fall through the cracks as a result, like homeless shelters, etc, without really factoring in how little infrastructure is in place to ever actually get people back OUT of that and onto their feet again. 

And just as a general aside, but man do I haaaaaaaaate the language about homeless people winding up that way because they’re lazy, like lolololol. There is NOTHING comfortable about sleeping on the sidewalk in forty degree weather, and that’s the thing about ‘laziness’. It only actually exists when someone has a certain level of comfort, where enough of their needs are met that they can afford to put off doing something because they simply don’t want to do it right now. Nobody can afford to put off eating or having a bed to sleep in because they simply don’t want to make sure they eat or sleep that day. If a person’s not ‘productive’ enough to eat or have somewhere to sleep for a night, there’s a million reasons why that might be or what’s holding them back, but I can guarantee its not laziness.  For every homeless person you’ve ever seen sleeping on the sidewalk, I promise you there’s a person who has a story not all that innately different from mine, and one where the days, weeks or even months prior to them ending up sleeping on the street, they first were doing everything they were physically, mentally and emotionally capable of doing to KEEP from being that destitute.

But its the law of diminishing returns. If you’re already doing every single thing you possibly can without improving your situation, the only things that will ever actually improve it or help you reach a more sustainable environment/productivity level are things that come from OUTSIDE you and your own efforts, where and how other people help you out. You simply can not give anymore than you already give towards the task of surviving, when that is already literally ALL you are doing day in and day out. Some people get that outside help or support or borrowed energy from their family and never have to turn to friends or from there to strangers. Some people just don’t have that option.

And without that outside help, like, your own efforts to improve your situation and then simply to just survive…..that’s the diminishing returns part. Inevitably, they’re only going to get less and less effective, because none of us are perpetual motion machines. We can’t keep going forever and ever without ever having a chance to recharge, refuel, replenish ourselves. It’s the entropy of existence. Everything costs energy. And the harder you have to struggle to stay alive, the more energy it costs. The more you use up. The faster you fade. *Shrugs*

It’s why I firmly and 100% believe that the single most defiant act a person can make in an unfair world is to look at someone else who’s stuck in a cycle of entropic decay, who you see having their energy eaten faster and faster by an uncaring universe, and you find a way to share some of yours with them and in doing so tell the universe “not today, fucker, not on my watch. Screw your laws and your science, I’m gonna make sure they last even just a little bit longer, no matter what your fucked up physics has to say about it.”

And yeah, I freely admit that’s 100% self-serving at the moment and thus easy to say as someone who like, obviously needs and wants peoples’ help, lmao, but whatever. Still true whether its applied to me or someone else, and I’ve said it before things got this bad for me and I’ll say it again once things are better. 

Every time you help keep alive someone who by their own words is not ready to be done fighting yet, that’s a time you defied the universe and told it that it doesn’t always get what it wants either, and it can go fuck itself.

[joshmcclenney]

Photo: “NO TITLE EXISTS PHOTOSHOOT w/ photographer Dean Martin”

Day 13: “A Kick In The Complacency, To Prepare For What Lies Ahead.”

Mood

Curious

Actor

Today I got up early and I completed some voiceovers. Then I went to my shoot. The shoot went well, but was very very long. They had us waiting for most of the day. We got there early afternoon and didn’t shoot until late at night. Really weird the way they scheduled it. The director knew me from a previous project we worked in together. I wonder if that’s how I got this job.🤔. They said they wanted a couple of funny guys to be patrons in a barbershop. So booked I was. It was a little confusing throughout the day, because it almost felt like they forgot we were there. Actors really do get treated like shit. Celebrities don’t. Actors do. But here’s the funny thing about this job. I thought it was a buyout so I assumed I was just gonna make a flat rate. But upon further investigation, I believe I just got directly booked into a SAG commercial with residuals. I’m gonna wish that good fortune into the universe.

Filmmaker

Wrote today. But very little. Went over a few of the things that I recently wrote with Clay only because I was on set.. I have to be honest. Filmmaking is really what I really identify with. And my films are such big parts of me. I get very excited to write and create. It’s just that writing a feature takes sooooo looooong. Totally worth it. But long. You may begin a feature as a certain type of person, with certain people in your life, and by the time the film is completely done Festivals and all. You exit a different individual. Not completely different. But your life is now different. It feels that way to me. Well I’m gonna write more tomorrow in the early afternoon. And makeup some lost ground.

Final Thoughts

Mark Twain once wrote...

“The two most important days of your life are the day you’re born. And the day you find out why.”

That played through my head today quite a bit. So much on the brain. I really process A Lot. But I like doing that it helps me really understand my experiences and decisions. I still feel this force watching over me. I hope it never goes away. I want to create more. And consume myself in that. I’ve been brainstorming an idea. But I’m not sure how I would like to execute. All and all a good day. Some weird points. But Grateful. And Curious about this recent commercial opportunity. See ya tomorrow 🙃

[cirxe]

Hi lovely, just wanted to ask if you've read Underwater Light by Maya? If you do, I'd love to hear your opinions on it as I'm considering diving in... Thank you!

Hi hi hi anon! Yes, I have read it, but it was a looooong time ago. Personally, I was less enchanted with it than everyone else seemed to be - it was very funny and cute in parts, but Draco is very much fanon/leather pants Draco, and I’m a sadist who likes my Draco a bit cruel and manipulative. I think it was also set mid-way through the books (I don’t think all the books were even out when Maya wrote it?), with teenage characters… that’s not for everyone - personally I like my characters as adults - 8th year and up, with the canon left intact. (Ya girl here thinks middle age Drarry is totally underrated). Lastly, without spoiling anything, I found the plot/ending quite ~unusual~ and it didn’t quite fully sit with me, I don’t think, but loads of people adored it. It was kinda Maya’s thing, more original story-lines. Overall, I would say Maya’s version of the characters didn’t much line up with mine, but I think she’s a wildly talented writer despite.

I don’t know about now but for a long time Underwater Light was the #1 fandom favourite so it may be worth reading despite my opinion/even if you have the exact same tastes as me :) Happy reading! xxx

(P.s. never fear popping up in my chat if you want to discuss anything)

[johnandsarah]

Honeymoon Day Nine: Like Riding a Bike, a Magical Abbey, and Music in Cork

This morning, after a deliciously hearty Irish breakfast, we got back into our rain gear and hopped on a couple of bikes courtesy of our hotel. They were some well-loved steeds out of the hotel’s grab-bag of cycles, and the helmets were very cool, thanks. Neither of us has been on a bike in at least a decade, but it turns out riding a bike is like riding a bike. We’ve made that exact joke to each other at least six times in the past 24 hours, so you’re welcome for leaving it to one for the blog.

I won’t lie, we were a little wobbly at first, but after a couple of false starts on the thick gravel of the hotel driveway, we set off on our way toward Killarney National Park. During our looooong walk yesterday, we had developed a theory that bikes would be the ideal way to explore the paths around the lakes, and we were so, so right. Also, riding bikes through a beautiful forest was really fun. How fun, you ask? Well, John began teasing me after the third time I yelled to him, unprompted, “This is so much fun!!!” Cool kids only on this honeymoon, folks.

We headed into the park and up the east side of Muckross Lake. Mucros in Irish means “pig wood,” which made me feel like Anne Shirley. “Barry Lake? No, I will call it the Lake of Shining Waters!” This forest and lake are so beautiful. We had a misty morning, which worked in our favor to make the bike paths empty and the vistas dramatic.

Eventually, we realized we were stopping too often to take pictures, so we really kicked it into high gear (heh) to put our renewed biking skillz to work. We rounded the lake and headed back toward the entrance of the park. We were actually about to leave when we realized that there was a point of interest on the map that was basically on our way called Muckross Abbey. Now, as I mentioned yesterday, Muckross House is a large manor with cultivated gardens that you can pay to tour in the park, and we weren’t hugely interested in that. Muckross Abbey, however, is a totally different story.

This abbey was built in the fourteenth century and, like many places in Ireland, was forcibly abandoned during the Cromwell era. The attached graveyard is still in use, and out of respect, I took no pictures of the area where you can find graves. That said, I consider myself a connoisseur of magical places, and I’ve seen some real wonders on this trip. Hell, just look at our pictures of Fjaðrárgljúfur Canyon or Skogafoss. I’m not saying that this abbey was more beautiful than those places, but there really was an almost dreamlike quality to exploring this ruin that has probably made it my single favorite discovery of this trip.

I sat in that window for a long time looking up at that tree. If any of you make your way to Killarney, I truly hope you find a quiet, grey morning to spend here in contemplation.

Side note: John, at one point in our wandering, said, “This kind of reminds me of Redwall,” referring to my absolute favorite book series as a child. This set me off crying AS HE VERY WELL KNEW IT WOULD, but it also led to my giving him a LONG explanation of the original abbey, Loamhedge, which Abbess Germaine and her followers fled.....Anyway, none of you agreed to marry me, so I’ll spare you my extensive knowledge of Brian Jacques lore. Suffice to say that this somehow made me love the place even more.

In total, we rode our bikes about 13 miles this morning, and trust me, our butts are Feeling It™ right now, but it was so worth it. We really had a blast riding around, and I would recommend the same to anyone making their way to Killarney. Maybe ask for a padded seat, though.

We grabbed a surprisingly amazing lunch at Murphy’s, a pub in Killarney; John had a cottage pie and I had sort of also a cottage pie but filled with curried vegetables?? So good. From there, we got on the first of two trains to get to Cork. We happened to sit across from a gentleman who, while he himself was heading for Dublin, grew up and spend his teenage years as a waiter in Cork City. He reiterated what we had been told by several people already about it being a fantastic city for food, and he gave us several recommendations for places with both good beer and meatless options.

After dropping our bags at our AirBnB where I was deeply spooked by a suspiciously paced teddy bear, we wandered out to cross the River Lee and find our dinner spot for the evening. For some reason, we decided on the train that we wanted pizza, so we looked at the websites of the places we had been recommended and decided on Franciscan Well Brewing, a microbrewery and pizza restaurant. Their pizza was SO GOOD, and we ate it in their covered beer garden out back.

Our last stop for the evening came from a tip courtesy of the bartender at our Killarney hotel, Todd. He told us that if we liked traditional music, we had to check out Sin É (pronounced like Sinéad O’Connor minus the “d” and the “O’Connor”) in Cork, sit in the back corner near the musicians, and order a Murphy’s stout there. Because we always take friendly people at their word, we did just that.

The musicians here were a four-piece set playing the Irish flute, acoustic guitar, uillean pipes, and bodhrán. They were really, really good. A young guy near us also joined in for a song to sing a ballad in a clear, lovely tenor. Similarly to Tig Coili in Galway, we were mildly frustrated by how loud and distracting the people sitting literally right next to the musicians were, but we still had a wonderful time in the fun pub listening to these talented people play casual and beautiful music.

Tomorrow, we head to Dublin for our last full day on honeymoon. We’re meeting a friend there to get some local insight on the city. For now, the suspicious teddy bear is in the hamper, and we are in bed for our night here in Cork.