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astralbooks · 2 years

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Hell Followed with Us - Andrew Joseph White

Read: 1/6/2022 - 2/6/2022

Rating: 5/5

Rep: gay trans boy main character, autistic gay love interest, Black trans girl side character, Latinx non-binary asexual side character who uses xe/xem, Black lesbian side character, sapphic Black hijabi Muslim side character, aromantic side character, various other queer side characters including characters who use they/them and neopronouns CW: parental death, graphic death, body horror, violence, religious abuse, discussions of genocide; instances of homophobia, transphobia, misgendering, and deadnaming

Review:

When I started reading this book, I very quickly knew I didn’t want to stop reading. The only times I managed to take breaks were when my partner messaged me to let me know that the renewal of a TV show I’ve been obsessed with recently had just been announced, and when I was literally falling asleep due to how late it was. I’m usually the kind of person who always arrives early when meeting up with friends, and I wound up running late to a hangout because I had to finish reading this book before I could let myself move. I couldn’t leave the last couple of chapters until later, I had to read them right then and there. The need to continue to read this book overrode my anxiety and that in and of itself is glowing praise.

Benji was such a great main character and I loved watching his development from being a scared runaway to how he is at the end. If you want to read about someone coming to terms with their anger and using that anger to destroy the people who hurt them then this is the book for you. ‘Anger’ doesn’t feel like a strong enough word to describe what’s going on here, to be honest. ‘Wrath’ might be better. I also really liked seeing Benji try to reckon with everything when in positions of relative safety with the ALC, and his growing friendships with (almost) everyone there were really lovely! He also has a directness that I appreciated. He’s not one to let a potentially sticky social situation fester, and I really liked that! This book is not for the faint of heart. The content warnings are not jokes or exaggerations. The descriptions are vivid and graphic, and the strength of these descriptions alone are enough to strongly recommend this book to people who like body horror. White doesn’t pull a single punch and does a truly great job! I loved the ALC so much! Benji himself notes how healing it is for him to be in an environment where he can tell people his name and pronouns knowing that people will use them for him without argument, and especially how important being around other trans people is for him. This book does a good job at emphasising how important community is, and at addressing some of the beliefs that some people within the lgbtq+ community have that do more harm than good. This book is unapologetically queer and a rejection of the idea that there is a right or wrong way to be queer or to exist. I need to give a special shout out to Salvador. Salvador my beloved. A major character who uses xe/xem pronouns? Who isn’t white?? Who casually mentions that xe’s ace??? And whose relationship with Benji is one of the most significant ones in the whole book???? Salvador pretty much takes Benji under xyr wing in the ALC and makes sure to loop him in in all the gossip, which does so much to help Benji feel like he belongs there. I think Salvador would’ve been one of my favourite characters even if xe didn’t use xe/xem, but xe does and that’s so exciting to me!! I’ve read so few books with any characters who use neopronouns, and I’ve never read a book with a character with neopronouns who’s this prominent before!! And all of Salvador’s friends used xyr correct pronouns and didn’t slip up once!!! Getting a little personal here, but a big reason why I use they/them is to make things easier for other people. It means so much to me to see a character who isn’t doing that, is unapologetic about it, and who’s respected by everyone whose opinion matters. And xe’s not even the only character who uses neopronouns in this book, xe’s just the most prominent one!! Xem being ace too is only mentioned once very briefly and is easily missed, but there was no way I was going to miss that. I wasn’t expecting any aspec rep, and I was fine with that, but for Salvador to be ace and Faith to be aro means so much to me as an ace arospec person!! I also really liked the main love interest, Nick, and I especially enjoyed his pov chapters and the greater understanding of both him and everything else that’s going on that this gives the reader. At the beginning, Nick and Benji have totally different priorities and this isn’t something that Benji fully grasps, so seeing Nick’s perspective of things at that point was needed and worked really well. The two of them also share a lot of really sweet moments, and their growing affection for each other was believable! I wish Nick had been a little more present than he was, though. Benji has a lot going on, so obviously his focus is often not on Nick, and then Nick only has three pov chapters in the whole book. We see him at the start when he’s distrustful of Benji, and we see him nearer the end when he regrets that distrust, but we don’t get to see his perspective of him going from A to B, and Benji doesn’t know about any of this while it’s happening. I was left with the feeling that earlier versions of the book had more written from Nick’s pov that have since been cut and I think that’s a shame. I could be totally wrong about that, but that’s the impression I got. I really liked Nick and Benji’s relationship! I just wish that it had a little more space. Nick is such a great character! Interestingly, one of the main antagonists, Theo, also got a single pov chapter, and I have complicated thoughts on that. It felt a little out of place, and I don’t think it was needed. I would’ve preferred another Nick chapter, if just because I need more of him in my life. Ultimately, I had a really great time reading this book, and would strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to read a strong, visceral horror with a queer cast, with the caveat that if any of the content warnings would be an issue for you then to proceed with caution. Thank you to Peachtree Teen and TBR and Beyond Tours for providing me with an e-arc and having me on this tour! You can see the rest of my tour stop here and the full tour schedule here!

#review #book review #hell followed with us #andrew joseph white #books #booklr

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yayeetsonny · 4 years

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Big surprise~USWNT x Baby reader

Prompt: Team finds out baby r is dating a famous person via instagram live.

Requested by: @khiaraaa-in-spacee

Y/N PRO

Being a professional soccer player and playing in both the NWSL for the Orlando Pride and at the national level for the USWNT at the age of 18 is a great honor and privilege, I got to play the sport I loved nearly everyday and I was able to make a living from it, but it can be exhausting at times. Which is why I’m glad that we have a few weeks off before I have to report to the next national camp for our next set of friendlies. I live in LA with my girlfriend Billie Eilish and being able to spend some quality time with her after months of being on the go is great. The only drawback is that the team has no idea I’m dating someone famous, I have kept that part of my life private, It’s not that I don’t trust them, I do; they’re like sisters to me and the older players even sometimes act as parental figures, but Billie and I agreed to keep our relationship as private as possible and agreed that when the time was right, she would meet the girls.

Speaking of Billie she and her brother Finneas were working on some music in the little studio like set up she created in our basement so I decided to bring them a snack.

“Hey babe, I thought I’d bring you guys a snack since you’ve been working so hard.” I said, handing her the bowl of berries, and handing Finneas a bowl of popcorn.

“Aw, thank you baby. That was very sweet of you.”

“How’s the song writing going?”

“Slow but we’re making progress.” Finneas said

“Good to hear.”

I spent some time with them looking at what they had written out so far and listening to some of the beats they thought of using before excusing myself to go do an instagram live. Even though I was technically on vacation I made sure to still engage with fans and I looked forward to the weekly lives. I had previously sent out a tweet and posted on my instagram story that I would be on live soon so I knew a substantial amount of people including some of my teammates were bound to be on fairly quickly.

“Hey guys! How’s everyone doing today?”

I watched as the comment section was flooded with people telling me how they were or sending in heart and heart eye emojis.

“I’m doing great, can you say happy birthday Abigail?” I said under my breath.

“So glad to hear it! Happy birthday Abigail!” I said

I continued to read the comments as they came in, squinting as I did so and laughed when I saw a familiar name pop up.

“Hey Alex, no I’m not blind. I’m squinting because the font is small.”

She sent several laughing emoji’s in return.

“Hey Pinoe, Jess, Abby, Julie, Moe, Christen, Tobs, Tierna, Mal, Sam, Emily and Rose.” I said, out of breath after reading all their names off in one go. My eyes widened when I noticed several more of my teammates had joined the lives.

“Ah, and Hi Becky, Carli, A.D., Lindsey, Crystal, Allie, Ashlyn, Ali, Alyssa, and Kelley.”

I was practically wheezing by the time I finished listing everyone’s names.

“The gang’s all here I see.” I laughed.

I saw several of their comments popping up, all of which seemed to be referring to the same thing.

“Breath little one.”

“Drink some water, please.”

“Are you okay?”

“That wheezing doesn’t sound too good.”

“Go get your inhaler.”

I rolled my eyes playfully at their fussing, even from miles away they found a way to baby me. I was the youngest on the team so they felt the need to be protective.

“Guys relax, I’m perfectly okay. I just forgot to breath for a sec. And I’m 18 years old Chris, I’m not little.”

Several of them sent comments back disagreeing which I chose to ignore.

“Okay guys send in your questions and I’ll do my best to answer most of them.”

Comments began flowing in and I started to answer some of them.

“What’s your favorite holiday?”

“Well I’d have to say Christmas for sure. Not only is it a time for me to spend with family and the food is great I’ll admit I like getting and giving presents too.”

“ Who would you want with you if you were deserted on an island?” “I’d have to say… Alyssa and… Julie. I’d want those two with me because Alyssa would keep mostly to herself and not drive me crazy like Kelley or Emily would with their endless energy but she would be a great conversationalist and she would share her warmth by cuddling with me, and Julie because she’s tough as nails and I feel like she would be good at gathering food and finding a way to provide shelter.”

Alex, Pinoe and Tobin voiced their offense at not being chosen while the others, minus Christen just said they would let me fend for myself if we ever got stranded together. Christen said

“They are excellent choices and I agree.”

Julie and Alyssa gloated

“Ahaha we’re her favorites.”

“Now we know who the favorites are and I can’t say I’m surprised that I’m one of them.”

I continued to answer questions, they ranged from asking what my favorite color was to what my best moments the field was. I was in the middle of answering a question about my most embarrassing in-game moment was when Billie suddenly came running into the room, excited to show me something.

“Hey babe, Finn and I got down this amazing chorus, wanna hear it?”

I tried to find a way to mute the live while I talked to her but it was too late. She realized what I was doing, and her eyes almost popping out of her head. She looked at me worriedly while I just laughed nervously. I knew everyone had heard her call me “babe” because they began asking who I was dating and begging to see them. Emily commented

“Yeah Y/N spill the tea.”

Billie and I just stared at each other, slightly communicating with our eyes before she nodded and made her way over to sit next to me. We were both nervous but knew that everyone had to find out sometime, and while this wasn’t the way we had planned for the girls to find out I hoped they were cool about it.

“Guys… I’d like you to meet my girlfriend Billie. Billie Eilish.” I said to the camera.

“Hey guys, this wasn’t planned but I’m glad to be here.” She said

What followed was an outpouring of support and joy from the fans and I was incredibly relieved, we both were. I didn’t see any comments from the team and that was slightly concerning. I knew they were all still on and paying attention. Did they not like her? Were they mad at me for hiding my relationship from them?

I smiled at the camera, both Billie and I thanking fans for their love. I hadn’t told her this yet but I was starting to worry about what my teammates really thought of Billie. After answering a few more questions we decided to call it a day and promised to do lives together often.

“That was fun! Sorry for putting you on the spot like that I totally forgot you were doing a live.” Billie said coming up to hug me.

“It’s okay, everyone seems to love you and support us.” I said absentmindedly scrolling through my phone waiting for something, anything from the girls.

“You okay Y/N?”

“Yeah I’m okay, I just haven’t heard from the girls since you came on the live and none of them said anything after.

“Wait the whole team was watching?”

“Yeah they were.”

“And they didn’t say anything after I came on?”

“Nope.”

“Do you think they have a problem with us being together?”

“I’ll be honest, I’m not sure.”

After some more waiting I finally got a text from Morgan in the group chat.

“Group Skype in 5, be there.”

Yikes that was a little cold. I wasn’t one to be afraid of my teammates, except on the rare occasion one of them was in a mood but I couldn’t help but be nervous to talk to them. I told Billie what was going to happen and I could tell she was nervous too but she decided to wait in the other room to give us some privacy, only joining if requested.

“I’m sure it won’t be long. I love you.” I said kissing her.

“I love you too.”

As soon as I joined the call it was silent.

“Hi guys.” I said timidly.

“Y/N.” Kelley said

“So… A famous girlfriend huh?” Megan said

“Yeah… she’s really talented and I’m so proud of all she’s accomplished. Our relationship is really special to me.” I said more confident than before.

“She seems very nice.” Chris said

“She is so kind and sweet.”

“Does she make you happy?” Mal asked me in a serious tone.

“Incredibly.”

“Then that’s all that matters to us.”

“I-I thought you guys were mad at me or didn’t approve of her.”

I saw several of the girls’ eyebrows furrow and they all looked confused and concerned.

“What made you think that?”

“Well for starters, none of you commented anything after she came on the live and then after no one texted me for over an hour. I really thought you were upset or something.” I said sadly

“Aw, bub. We’re sorry. We didn’t mean to make you feel like that. Looking at it now, we see how it looked but we were just texting each other, trying to plan a way to fly out and surprise you and meet her in person. We got caught up in taking about how you, the baby of the team; our baby is dating someone as famous as Billie Eilish, much less dating anyone at all.” Alex said, everyone else agreeing

“You guys didn’t think I could be dating anyone?” I asked slightly offended

“No, no. We didn’t mean it like that. We just meant that you did such a good job at hiding it from everyone and you never talked about liking any girls or boys or non-binary people that we thought you weren’t interested in dating at the moment.” Ali said.

“Oh.”

I understood now why they thought that, I had never shown any interest in anyone but it was simply because I was already taken and saw no reason to entertain, think about or talk about the idea of anyone else.

“We love her as an artist and are sure she is a great person, especially if she makes you happy.” Allie said.

“Would you guys like to talk to her right now? She’s just in the other room, I can go get her.”

“OMG YESSSS”

“ABSOLUTELY”

“WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT?” Crystal, Sam and Abby all boomed

“And everyone else who isn’t trying to break your eardrums agrees too.” Ashlyn said giggling.

“Next time warn earbud users will you? Geez” Megan said rubbing her ears

“I’ll be right back.” I said chuckling at their antics.

I went into the room next door to get Billie so she could say Hi to the girls.

“Hey babe.” I said

“Hey, how’d your call with the team go?”

“Actually it’s not over yet. They want to meet you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, they were never mad or upset. They were just planning to surprise me and come out to meet you in person.”

“Oh wow. Not what I was expecting to hear but that’s very nice of them.”

“Yeah, you ready to meet my “moms” and sisters?” I said giggling

“As I’ll ever be.”

When we reentered the room we could hear them all chanting

“GO, GO, GO, GO.”

When I looked at the screen I saw Mal chugging a giant bottle of sprite.

“What in the world? I’m gone for all of 5 Minutes and come back to see… whatever Mal is doing.”

“We triple dog dared her to chug the bottle of sprite after she pulled it out and took one measly sip of it.” Tierna shrugged

“You’re all so weird.”

“But you loveeee us.” Emily said

“That I do. How you holding up, Pugh?” I said looking back at Mal and seeing she didn’t look so good.

“Moms, I don’t feel so good.” She said referring to Christen and Tobin

“Well baby, maybe you shouldn’t have chugged the whole thing.” Chris said pouting at her sympathetically.

“You were chanting with everyone else!” Mal said annoyed

“didn’t want to be a buzz kill.” She shrugged

“Wait a little bit and then heat up yourself some chicken noodle soup.” Tobin said

“Okayyy.”

Mal flopped dramatically back on her bed as some of the girls gave her props and others laughed at her very apparent sore stomach.

“I’m so sorry. They’re always like this.” I said turning to Billie

“It’s cool. Props Mal, that was impressive.”

“Thanks Billie.”

“So Billie, how long have you and Y/N been together? Who kissed who first, and have you guys had sex yet?” Kelley asked

Of course she’s gonna be the one to put my girlfriend on the spot. Classic Kelley O’Hara

“Umm…” Billie looked at me uncomfortably

“We-we’ve been together for 7 and a half months. I kissed her, and no we haven’t.” I said covering for her as she froze.

“I see.” She said scratching her chin.

“Kelley, cool it with the grilling. We just met her.” Alex said coming to Billie’s defense.

“You’re right, sorry about that. I just want what’s best for Y/N. We all do.” She said sheepishly

“Nah, it’s cool. I totally get it.”

We continued to talk and the girls got to know Billie pretty well and they hit it off. I was relieved that they approved of her and that they were happy for me. They told me when they would be arriving in LA and how long they would be staying and we all got excited at the idea of seeing each other soon.

Sorry for any mistakes

-N

#uswnt #uswnt imagines #uswnt imagine #uswnt x reader #alex morgan #christen press #tobin heath #mal pugh #megan rapinoe #abby dahlkemper #crystal dunn #emily sonnett #ali krieger #reader x billie eilish #billie eilish

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quasieli · 3 years

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top six: fictional characters that give you gender envy, flowers, little things that make you happy and d&d moments :D

Ooh lotsa questions!

Gender Envy:

1) Bow from She-Ra (2018). Something about buff athletic dude who wears crop tops and is soft as hell is very Gender to me.

2) Vax from Critical Role. Pretty boy, kinda goth rogue? That’s sexy as hell and I wish that was me.

3) In a wildly different idea of gender envy, I’ve been thinking about it lately and @quantum-lesbian’s character in the Frostmaiden game I’m in with them, Ambrose, is Big Gender. Beautiful non-binary drow with a starry and kinda witchy aesthetic that dresses super grandly and ostentatiously no matter the occasion? Yes please.

4) Pete from The Unsleeping City, specifically season two. I adore season one Pete but season two Pete that works in a queer bookshop and has a teapot arcane focus, is artsy and is unapologetically a trans man who doesn’t give a shit about gender roles? Sign me the fuck up.

5) Beau from Critical Role. Buff GNC lesbian mixed with academia, but like academia from the prospective of a grad student with ADHD trying to learn everything about their special interests? A+, I love her and I’m jealous.

6) I’m gonna cheat a lil bit for this last one. I know the prompt is fictional characters, but Julia Lepetit and Jacob Andrews in their Hitman streams? Simultaneously both of them were Gender for me. Jacob esp felt like that for me, which is weird cause dresses can make me dysphoric, but I am also slightly envious of the Dude in a Dress type of gender presentation.

Can you tell that I’m a confused trans masc enby

Gonna put it under the cut from here cause oof, there’s still a lot more.

Flowers:

1) Big slut for Sunflowers, always have been, always will be.

2) Fun fact, my dad’s family used to own a flower shop (in like the 70s, so I never got to see it :(), and one of their big things was hydrangeas. My dad has always loved them and now I love the snowballs too!

3) A recent favorite, the Baker’s Globe Mallow. It’s a type of flower that only grows from the soils of forests that have been affected by wildfires. It’s a simple little flower but I love the idea of something beautiful rising from the ashes after tragedy. A little dramatic, but I’m queer, ofc I’m dramatic.

4) Roses are another important flower to my family (Rose was a family name for a couple generations), and ya know, they’re a classic.

5) There’s this beautiful magnolia tree in front of my house that blooms with the most beautiful white and pink flowers every spring, and it’s one of my favorite things to see every year.

6) There’s so many different types of Lillies and they’re all very pretty, but the Purple Stargazer is prob my favorite.

Little Things That Make Me Happy:

1) My cat, Maddie. She may be a cranky girl at times, but she is also very sweet and will always be my baby (even though she is 12).

2) Not a little thing really, but my best friend. Just getting a sweet/silly text from her or the two of us chilling in a room, sitting in a comfortable silence because we just like being together, nothing better.

3) Baking, esp if I’m doing it for others. I’m not much of a sweets person myself, a little treat every once in a while type person, but I love baking. It’s a very relaxing process for me, even when it can sometimes get stressful, but seeing people enjoying something I made, especially something that brought me great joy to make, is simply the best.

4) In the same sorta vein, crafting and other art, but that’s a bit more personal. I love making things for others, but art, particularly drawing, is something I do more for me. It’s such a great feeling when you can get into a really good art mood and just sink yourself into a project. I love it.

5) My plush toys. Yes, I am a 23 year old, no I will not stop loving my plushies. I just got a few new friends, which I made a post about recently, and they such good cuddle buddies. However, there is one king amongst them all. I have this old, beat up christmas puppy beanie baby, on his tag named Jingle Pup, but I just call him Jingle. I had one version of him since I was like 6, but he currently lives on a shelf cause he is very beaten up and fragile, but his “brother”, who I got when I was 8, is still in kinda good shape and is currently chilling on my chest as I type this lol.

6) Again, not a little thing, but it’s important to mention; D&D. The game itself is such a joy, but truly the best part of it is the people. I love creating stories and memories with people through this weird little game. Truly one of my favorite things to do.

D&D Moments:

These are all gonna be personal moments, rather than anything from actual play shows/podcasts. RC is Reforged Campaign, where I play Saube, and FM is Frostmaiden, where I play Sparks.

1) RC - Meeting Mahety, Saube’s girlfriend. We met her way back in session 12 and we are now up to like session 73. Saube saw her and was immediately big heart eyes at her but also felt a bit awkward and shy. So, being a game a dice, I decided to roll. 10 or higher, Saube would talk to her, 9 or lower, she’d stay put. I rolled a 17, 17 is now a lucky number for me. I love Mahety and I’d die for her.

2) FM - This was an insane fight that should not have been so crazy, but in a fairly early session, my group went up against an angry druid and her awakened animals. So much batshit stuff happened in that fight, and we unfortunately lost our bread loving bard (RIP Agneyis), but one of my favorite combat turns happened in this fight. Our artificer, Omaren, has a robe of useful items and one of the patches on it creates a large pit. Thinking quickly, Omaren tore off the patch, slid it under one of the dire wolves we were fighting and created a looney tunes style pit under it, allowing us to take it out easily via pot shots. Such a clutch move and such a funny visual, especially because the dire wolf kept failing the checks to get out of the pit.

3) RC - Saube’s Zebrith (I will never remember how this actually spelled RIP). So, for context, Saube ended up with a death curse (long story) that mechanically meant they had disadvantage on any death saving throws. Scary as hell, need to get that fixed! So, Saube and their party had to be smuggled into another country to talk with some religious leaders of a goddess known as The First, the goddess of death. They were told that Saube would have to go through the aforementioned ritual, which included her soul leaving her body for a short period of time. During this ritual, her friends had to call back to her, to say things that would bring her back to her body and I still cry thinking about that game. That ritual was not only important for Saube bodily, but spiritually as well. After that ritual, Saube officially became a cleric of The First!

4) A real sappy one, RC - Saube meeting all of her friends. Anyone who follows along with the rantings on my blog probably knows how important this game is to me. I met this random group of strangers on tumblr and formed a D&D party with them and now, a year and a half later, I honestly think it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but not only has this game brought me so much joy and comfort, but I also gained a group of really amazing friends who have been nothing but amazing since day one. As much as Saube knows she can depend on SICL, I know I can depend on my group of weirdos lol. We both love our friends very much and even though we’ve all been through some crazy shit, we wouldn’t change it for the world.

5) RC - Just playing Saube in general. I really didn’t intend for it to be this way, but Saube is very much a reflection of myself. She is the first long term character I have ever played and so much of me is in her. I try not to treat D&D like therapy, because that’s unfair to my DM and fellow party members, but playing Saube has allowed me to work through some of my own problems, especially social anxiety, in a lot safer of an environment. It isn’t so much that I’m asking this game to help me fix my life, but playing out these scenarios that, in the real world, would make me anxious or make me freak out, I can stop, take a moment to breathe and work out these issues in a way that makes sense to me. Playing her has led me to understanding myself a bit better, as well, and that’s truly such a wonderfully unexpected gift from this whole experience.

6) Lastly, a silly one: RC - Getting a crit 6. The last session of this game got real interesting. Saube’s party ended up in the ethereal plane and magic got real fucky there. So, any time any of us tried to cast a spell, we’d roll a d20, not look at the result, and then try to guess what number rolled. The closer to the number, the better the result. A few times, a few people managed to get within like 3 or 4 of their roll, but oh the power I felt when I rolled a 6 (on Saube’s die!) and guessed it correctly! So, not only did the spell (Bless) work, but it worked super well. So instead of getting +1d4 to attack rolls and saving throws, Saube and two other party members got +2d4 to attacks, saving throws and skill checks. So powerful I broke the rules of D&D lmao.

#asks #ask games #floralprintshark #D&D #Flowers #Saube #Sauhety #SICL #Sparks #long post #thanks <3 <3

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pixiegrl · 4 years

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You Are My Horizon

Jack comes to visit Rian at work. Rian's hopelessly in love.

Alright lets take it from the top:

Bet you never saw ATL fic coming from me? Well, here it is. Once again, this is part of a larger fic I'm writing. I'm blaming Rian's v-day thirst trap and Jack just being, you know, Jack for writing this. The only important thing to know going into this is that Rian and Jack are dating, Jack is trans, and that Rian works at a tattoo parlor owned by Ashton and Calum. The tattoo parlor is across from the flower show Luke (also trans) and Michael (non-binary) own.

Second: big thanks to @tigerteeff for whom I write all trans content. Thanks for listening to me yell about Trans Jack he is a special boy and I love him. Thanks to @lifewasradical @cakelftv @blackbutterfliescal and @staticsounds for listening to me yell about this fic (and the flower shop/tattoo parlor verse) and telling me how emo in a good way this is. I love you all dearly.

on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29500365

Rian’s sketching out the tattoo he’s designing when Jack comes into the back area of the parlor. He sighs dramatically, dropping himself into Rian’s lap and straddling him.

“Babe,” Jack whines.

“Hello to you too. Who’s watching Cam?”

“The puppy can be left alone for like an hour. I’ve been home all day. I missed you.”

“You saw me this morning.”

“That was hours ago. It’s like almost 5:00pm. I missed you,” Jack says, dropping his head down, resting it under Rian’s chin. Rian sighs, putting his pencil down and running his hands under Jack’s shirt. Jack sighs, pressing a kiss to Rian’s neck, easing into the touch. Rian likes Jack, all long legs and lean muscle, the contrast he is to Rian himself. He’s dyed his hair recently, a soft shade of blonde that contrasts with the dark hair of his beard. Rian remembers how excited Jack was about the beard when he started growing it, crowing that getting the hysterectomy finally helped him grow the hair that being on T didn’t. Jack’s painfully handsome these days, angled cheekbones and jaw framed by his beard, comfortable in his own skin. Jack has a soft smile on his face, as he pulls back, kissing Rian on the lips softly.

They trade soft kisses for a few moments before Jack pulls back, grinning mischievously.

“No,” Rian says.

“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”

“You may not suck my dick at my place of work.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not sanitizing the whole workstation.”

Jack sighs dramatically, flopping onto Rian, “But you have to do that anyway.”

“And I’m not letting you get this place dirty. Or risking someone walking in on us Jack, these are my co-workers.”

“Spoil sport,” Jack says. Rian huffs a laugh, letting Jack steal his snapback and put it on. He snuggles into Rian’s side, watching him sketch out the flowers.

“What’s this one?”

“Tattoo for a client. She wants a whole bouquet for flowers for her family.”

“Isn’t that Sierra’s thing? The flowers?”

“She wants it in watercolor.”

“So your speciality.”

“My speciality,” Rian says. Jack hums, getting a hand underneath Rian’s shirt, tracing his abs lightly as he keeps watching Rian. He has to be uncomfortable, at the angle he’s at but Jack makes no move to change his position.

“Why don’t you head home? I have to finish this sketch up and it’s not going to be very interesting for you,” Rian says, after Jack shifts for the fifth time in ten minutes.

“I don’t want to head home though. Wanna go with you.”

“You drove your car here Jack. You’d be going home without me anyway.”

“I don’t want to go home and wait around for you though. I want to wait here, with you. I want to spend time with you,” Jack says, pouting lightly. Rian sighs, heart soft. He ducks his head down pressing a kiss to Jack’s temple. Jack laughs, scrunching his nose up. He rests his head on Rian’s shoulder, watching as Rian works on the sketch around Jack’s long limbs.

“You know, I didn’t see myself being 32,” Jack says, just barely above a whisper. Rian stops what he’s doing, turning his attention to the boyfriend in his lap.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. At 15 I didn’t see myself making it to 20. I was a depressed teen, self-harming because I hated the way I looked and that I couldn’t understand what was going on. I thought I’d kill myself before 20 trying to figure it out. Then, I was 20 and I couldn’t see myself at 25. I finally had the words to understand what I was feeling and who I was, but then you’re going through therapists and doctors, people are giving you papers and reports and explanations and telling you how much money it all is to just be yourself. I thought I’d die under the stress of it all, the constant feeling of just having to fight to be myself,” Jack says, shrugging.

He picks at the edge of Rian’s shirt, pulling at a loose thread there, head resting on Rian’s shoulder, nose touching his neck. Rian puts his pencil down, stroking his hand over Jack’s back, letting Jack nuzzle into him. They sit there for a few moments in silence before Rian finally works up the courage to ask Jack his question.

“What about at 25?” Rian asks, soft, squeezing Jack’s hip lightly.

“I got the right therapist. I went on T. They finally approved things and I had the money for my top surgery. There was light at the end of the tunnel. And then I met you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. I love who I am, don’t get me wrong. I love being trans and I love being myself and I’m happy with myself. It took me so long to get there, but I love myself. But it’s hard, when you’re two months out of top surgery, when your voice still cracks, when you’re worried about how everyone else will see you, to picture someone loving you the way you love yourself. Especially when they look like you,” Jack says. He tilts his head up, looking at Rian, eyes a little wet. Rian laughs, breathless, at the idea of it all.

He remembers meeting Jack with the sort of clarity that only comes with the certainty of knowing that this is your person, with the knowledge to capture this moment, so you can tell your family, your friends, write it into your wedding vows, tell it to your children. Alex had invited him to the back to school brunch he hosted with Lisa every year before school started. Rian had grumbled about it, considering he’s not a teacher what does it matter, but Alex has insisted that as his oldest friend Rian should come (he found out later Alex had intentionally done it to try and set him and Jack up, but Rian can’t really be mad about it). He’d found Jack, with his grown out emo fringe and home dyed red hair, standing by the music, trying to hijack it to play Blink-182 and complaining that Alex never let him have his way. Rian had found himself hopelessly enamored, listening to Jack rant about music and the merits of not teaching Romeo and Juliet to bored teens when Shakespeare has better plays. Rian had been so caught up in what Jack was saying, he hadn’t even noticed brunch had ended until Alex kicked them both out. Brunch had led to late lunch, led to dinner, led to Rian taking Jack for ice cream just so he didn’t have to leave, giving Jack his number and waiting for a phone call. Rian doesn’t think there’s ever been a time he wasn’t enamored by Jack, hopelessly in love with him from the moment Jack had demanded to see Rian’s Blink-182 tattoo.

“What do you mean someone who ‘look like me’?”

“Handsome, masculine, rugged. You’re a tattoo artist and you work out and you’re like the kind of guy I wanted to be when I was a teen except I’m not. I’m me and there’s nothing wrong with me, but like compared to you. I’m the dorky English teacher. I’m all tall and lanky and stuff.”

“I love dorky English teacher Jack.”

“I know you do. You look at me with such love and adoration it hurts sometimes. The first time you told me you loved me I went home and cried,” Jack says. He’s sitting up now, arms draped over Rian’s shoulders, tears in his eyes. Rian, reaches up, brushing them away.

“You did what?” Rian asks, quiet.

“I cried. I cried because you were everything teenage Jack dreamed of and couldn’t have. You loved me and loved me and you didn’t care that my voice cracked or about the scars or about anything else that made me feel self-conscious at the time because it was new and fresh. The first time you called me your boyfriend I didn’t know what to do. I felt so special and loved. You just loved me and it felt so real. And I was 25 and for the first time, I could picture myself at 30, at 40, at 50 because I could picture my life, I could picture sharing my life with you. And now I’m 32 and I want to tell teenage Jack that it’s worth it, all the waiting is worth it because you’re here. You’re here and I love you so much Ri,” Jack says. He’s crying now, eyes red, nose red. Rian pulls him into a hug, realizes he’s crying too.

“Well, I love you. You’re a hurricane and I never expected to fall in love the way I did with you, but god did I. I was so worried that first day if I let you go home, if I let you leave, you’d forget all about me. Except you kept calling me and texting me and then you practically moved into my house and I didn’t want to let you go. We have a home, a life, a dog. It’s everything I pictured when I was 17 and realized I liked guys too.”

“Guess we’re just stuck together,” Jack says, sniffling. Rian laughs, a little wet, pulling Jack into a hug.

“Guess we are.”

“Think Ash will let you leave early? I wanna go home now and I don’t wanna wait for you.”

“Yeah. I don’t have any more appointments and I can take the sketches home.”

“Good. I think we deserve some pizza and white claws,” Jack says, solemnly. He’s smiling though and Rian’s hopelessly in love with him.

It isn’t till the drive home, which Rian barely managed to get to because Jack kept kissing him against his car, refusing to just let Rian get in the car and drive home so they could have dinner and cuddle, that Rian wonders what’s stopping him from making this permanent. They live together, they have a dog, Jack’s all but told Rian he sees them as forever and Rian feels the same way. What’s stopping Rian from just proposing?

He takes the thought with him for the next week, searching for rings on his off time, trying to get other people’s opinions on what Jack might like until Rian finally decides on a simple black band for the ring. He ends up in the flower shop the next week, deciding that Jack deserves nice flowers for a proposal.

Luke is at the counter, fixing up a floral arrangement when Rian comes in. He looks up, surprised, blushing a little. Rian’s not dumb, he knows Luke has a crush on him. He also knows Luke has a crush on Jack and a major crush on Ashton, so he’s pretty sure Luke is just falling for anyone he thinks is cute until Ashton finally kisses him.

“Rian, hi! What brings you in? More flowers for the shop?”

“Flowers for Jack. I want to propose and I thought the sweetest man deserved some flowers to go with it.”

Luke looks at Rian in awe, lips parted in an “o.”

“You’re going to propose?” Luke whispers. Rian furrows his brow, confused at Luke’s surprise, until he remembers that Luke’s trans too. Luke’s trans and he’s probably having the same reaction Jack did the first time he and Rian went to pride and Jack saw other people like them together, the idea that they weren’t alone. It softens Rian’s heart even more. He gets the older brother affection Jack has for Luke and Michael, the need to care for them. It’s hard not to when Luke’s staring at him, all wide blue eyes and open wonder.

“Yeah. Figured my boyfriend of seven years deserves to be my husband forever. Have some roses for it?” Rian says. Luke beams, hurrying around the counter, pulling out red roses to make a bouquet, bouncing with excitement. It’s infectious, making Rian even more excited to propose to Jack, seeing how excited Luke is, smiling the whole time. Ashton let him out of work early too, so he could be home to make dinner with Jack when he gets back from school.

Rian’s anxious the whole drive home, flowers in the passenger seat, tapping his hands nervously on the steering wheel. What if he’s overthinking this whole thing? What if he’s fucking up the best thing in his life by proposing? What if all the nice words Jack said don’t mean marriage, they just mean staying together? What if Rian’s about to make the stupidest decision of his life?

Jack’s car is already in the driveway when Rian gets back. He wasn’t expecting Jack to beat him home. It makes the pit in his stomach open wider, makes him even more anxious. He drops his keys five times before he finally manages to get them into the lock and open the door.

“Ri?” Jack calls when Rian’s through the door. Camden comes sprinting through the house, barking excitedly at Rian until he picks him up, holding him in one arm while trying to keep the roses out of the way.

“Yeah. You’re home early.”

“Took the rest of my shit home. Why the fuck should I grade bad essays on The Odyssey at my desk when I can grade them on our couch while you yell at Jeopardy.”

“I don’t yell at Jeopardy,” Rian says, offended.

“Yes you do babe,” Jack says. Rian drops his bag by the front of the kitchen, placing the flowers on the counter and Cam on the floor. Jack’s back is turned to him, watching the chicken quesadillas he’s making in the pan intensely. Rian sneaks up behind him, wrapping his arms around Jack’s waist and running his hands over Jack’s hip bones, resting his chin on Jack’s shoulder. Jack sighs, leaning back into the touch.

“Hi,” Rian says softly, pressing a kiss to his bare shoulder.

“Hi,” Jack says, turning his head to get a kiss from Rian. He glances over Rian’s shoulder, perking up when he notices the flowers on the counter.

“You bought flowers?”

“I did.”

“For your other lover?” Jack teases, abandoning the pan to turn around in Rian’s arms, kiss him softly. Rian smiles, tugging Jack closer, kissing his lips, his neck. Jack laughs, squirming in his arms.

“You can’t kiss me like that while I’m cooking. We’ll start a fire,” Jack says. Rian rolls his eyes, letting Jack play with his hair.

“I missed you,” Rian says softly. Jack snorts.

“It was only 8 hours babe,” he teases.

“You didn’t text me today. I’m used to you texting me.”

“The teens were being wild today. I don’t remember this much drama when I was their age,” Jack says. Rian rolls his eyes, pulls Jack in for a hug.

Jack eventually wiggles from Rian’s hold, turning back to the stove. Camden’s flopped down next to them, sighing heavily. Rian swallows, hand in his pocket fingering the ring box.

“Hey Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you marry me?” Rian asks, sinking to one knee, pulling the box out.

“Very funny Ri,” Jack says, turning to face him. Whatever else he was going to say dies as he takes in the sight of Rian on the floor.

“Will you marry me?”

“Holy shit,” Jack breathes out.

“I’m not the English teacher, but I have a whole speech planned. You know, the moment I met you, I knew. I saw you standing in the corner of Alex’s living room, yelling at him to pick better music and I knew. I wanted to commit everything to memory because that was the memory I wanted to tell everyone at our wedding. I’ve known since the minute you demanded to see my tattoo in front of everyone and practically stripped me shirtless that I wanted to marry you. You’re it for me Jack. When I was 17 and scared shitless at the idea that I liked men, I didn’t know what to do. I never felt confident or comfortable enough to come out, to be myself, to picture myself with someone like you. And then I met you and it’s all I could picture. You made me comfortable with myself, happy with myself. Your endless love and support and just being reminds me everyday how lucky I am to know you, to have met you, to have you love me. You’ve never given a shit about my depression or the way I am or my anxiety. You just remind me of brighter days, of the idea that I’m allowed to have this, to have your love. I can’t picture my life without you, without loving you. I want forever. So, will you marry me?” Rian asks.

“Yes, what the fuck yes! Of course I’ll fucking...come here!” Jack shouts, dragging Rian up to him. He pulls Rian in for a kiss, bumped noses and teeth because they’re too excited to kiss properly. Jack leans back, tears running down his cheeks, smiling widely.

“I was worried for a minute,” Rian jokes, pulling the ring from the box and sliding it onto Jack’s finger. Jack holds his hand out admiring it.

“Like I would say no. Maybe all the coffee has fired your brain cells,” Jack teases. He turns to Rian, kissing him again, softer this time.

“You never know.”

“Hell would freeze over before I said no to marrying you. You’re the love of my life,” he says, quietly. Rian smiles, pressing another kiss to his lips.

“Hey, is something burning?” Rian asks after a few moments, when he realizes he smells smoke.

“Oh shit!” Jack yells, turning frantically to fix the burning quesadillas, fanning the smoke to stop it from setting off the smoke detector. Rian laughs, helpless in the face of Jack’s panic, Camden’s distressed barking. It’s perfect, it’s everything Rian’s ever wanted in life. It’s everything he’s wanted since he met Jack at Alex’s brunch. It’s the life he’s always wanted.

#all time low #dawkat #rian dawson #jack barakat #whom the fuck am i writing atl fic #we'll return to our 5sos bullshit momentarily #for now you can all have #trans jack barakat #soft boyfriends in love #camden the puppy #a proposal who's surprised not me #curating trans 5sos and atl fic is my thing now #i blame rian's thirst trap and the way jack looks for this fic #i fell down a rabbit hole who am ii #my writing #self harm mention #body image mention

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newhologram · 3 years

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Now that I'm once again committing to being openly #trans, stepping out of the rain and under the umbrella that used to keep me dry, I wrote something up for family, friends, and followers who may have questions:

Dear family, friends, and Holograms: Thank you for your kind messages. Even though most of you already knew this about me for so long, it feels so good to be more public, to be a voice just by being me, and to have your support. It's amazing to me to see that many of you have stepped into the role of an ally and are willing to learn more.

I'm writing this up to maybe offer some clarifications on things relating to trans identity in general but mostly my personal experience with gender. It's my hope that this will give you a template to work from. I don't want anyone to be so worried about offending me that they don't know how to talk to/about me. I want this to be comfortable for all of us. This is only my experience of gender at this time, so please remember that if you meet another trans/nb person, they will likely have a completely different experience than me.

Let's start with queer, which is an umbrella term for anyone who is not cisgender and/or heterosexual. It can be a useful label for someone who is not interested in having to spell out both their sexual/romantic orientation and their gender identity every time (it can get complicated even for us). Some of us might not fit neatly into the letters of LGBTQIA (notice it contains Q still) so this is the reason some people are comfortable with the label. Sometimes we do fit into the acronym, but queer is inclusive and we like it. It's also what's often used in academia. Queer history, queer literature, queer art, etc. Freddie Mercury is often referred to as a queer icon for example. Now, it can be a regional thing, as in some parts of America, queer is not considered a reclaimed slur (since it means "weird") like it is for say, a lot of Californians. While some of us feel empowered to own being "different" or "weird" while fighting for representation and rights, others may object to being called "not normal". Ultimately it's always up to the individual to decide what they are comfortable calling themselves, not what other people should be allowed to call themselves. I was always the weird kid and I have so much trauma around that and as an adult I'm like... yeah, you know what, I'm queer and proud. Now onto gender which is the focus of this post: transgender is an umbrella term. Trans as a prefix means "across" or "beyond", so transgender people have experiences and identities across or beyond gender. Non-binary is a gender identity under the trans umbrella. It refers to identities that are not strictly within the binary of man or woman. Non-binary itself is another umbrella term for many different genders such as agender (without gender), pangender (all genders), genderfluid (gender that shifts and changes), and many more. Gender is complex and varied across cultures and societies, so that's why there are so many different ways to describe it. Some may feel that not just one word works for their experience, so they may choose multiple labels or maybe even none at all. AFAB (assigned female at birth) and AMAB (assigned male at birth) is a way to describe what our assigned sex is without using "biological" or "born a (sex/gender)" as this is often used to invalidate trans experience --however, a lot of trans people who have transitioned may find it helpful to describe their experience as "born (and raised as) a girl" (again, up to the individual). We are all assigned sexes at birth but this obviously has no bearing on our gender identity or expression.

When I was a teen, "transsexual" was commonly used to describe a transgender person who transitioned, but this has fallen mostly out of use by now--But remember that being trans is not just about medically transitioning to another sex. There are many trans/nb people who do not transition, or who may make changes here and there to make their bodies more comfortable and fit their identity without necessarily transitioning. Whether or not this is a transition is going to be up to the individual. The social transition of coming out as trans/nb can be just as drastic as anything medical. (For those wondering why it even matters when celebrities come out as trans/nb if they aren't going to "change their bodies"--Visibility and authenticity. Just like I'm doing.)

Now on to me: I cannot accurately or concisely describe my lived experience of gender since it's informed every other experience of my life, but I will try. I'm NB and I definitely don't feel like a woman, but this doesn't necessarily mean I feel like a man either. "Boy" and "girl" do feel more relatable and accessible for some reason. I feel simultaneously and alternatingly like either, both, neither, all, any, and also just me.

Like I said, I can't really describe it. But for whatever reason, "boy", especially "feminine boy" has always felt more like my default energy. Don't ask me why, it is what it is. When I put on makeup, I never feel like a girl doing it even if I'm consciously exploring an archetype like "flapper girl" for example. It has always felt like princess drag to me. People were clocking me on this even when I tried to be a normal "girl". I often wonder if this is why I always felt so ugly before and now when I fully embody my gender as it is, I suddenly feel beautiful and comfortable. I feel closest to feminine or fluid archetypes, it's just how I express myself. This would not change if I were AMAB, I'd be just as feminine. I'd still be the same me.

Pronouns, for me: I can't say that my feelings on this will stay the same forever, but for now, I'm okay with any and all pronouns. I have some longtime followers who refer to me as he/him and that's amazing and so affirming!! *chef's kiss* But it's totally okay to use she/her with me too. Because I am aligned with feminine archetypes, I can't resist using she/her for myself often especially if I'm all dressed up in kawaii drag. They/them is also acceptable. This also goes for it being okay to refer to me as either a girl or a boy (or gendered family relation terms. But like, I'm Mommy to my cats, not Daddy xD)--Even though I'm not strictly one or the other, I feel all genders. While I agree with the common AFAB feeling of it being frustrating that she/her/girl/woman is always going to be considered my default by most people, and that this is/was a source of a lot of my gender dysphoria, I promise you won't offend me by referring to me as such. Often when speaking out my experience of being perceived as a woman, I might refer to myself as such because I'm talking about the way I am interacted with. (ie, it's okay to DM me like "HEY GIRL:･ﾟ✧ but the only way you’ll actually offend me is to insist I am “just a girl”/invalidate my lived experience/try to dictate my identity and labels)

It's still hard for me to share this very vulnerable part of my identity, even after having talked about it for 10 years online and with friends already. I'm probably going to keep having waves of anxiety over this as I shift into living daily life from the truest expression of myself. It really is enough for now to have you recognizing and acknowledging this very special big part of who I am and how I live. To be able to say it now everywhere and not just on my blog feels like a new universe being born. In closing, here are examples if that was too much information to ingest and understand all at once and you're not sure what words to use when referring to me: "This is my [family member], she's queer." "This is my friend New's page, he's non-binary." "This is my coworker's art, she's genderfluid." "This is a blogger I follow, they're pangender." "New is a trans model, this is his latest work." These labels and pronouns are all fine! :> I love you all. Thank you for letting me shine.

#teku #personal #gendery wendery #long post #this is written mostly for my family members who want to be allies #just thought it would help them a lot #and save me time explaining to everyone xD

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isaacthedruid · 3 years

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Steven Universe’s Representation and Music: an informal essay

As the first animated Cartoon Network show created entirely by a woman, Steven Universe’s run lasted for five seasons, a movie and a sequel-epilogue series. The show was far from perfect and its fandom wasn’t the best either but there is something so special about a show that followed lesbian space rocks and a young boy saving the world.

More specifically Steven Universe is about a young boy named Steven, who is half-Gem, half-human who protects the town of Beach City from evil. Gems are a kind of alien who take on the form of pastel-coloured women, to better assimilate with the rest of the world.

Rebecca Sugar, the creator, explains her colourful characters in a behind-the-scenes promo:

“I always dreamed of making a show that would have this mix of fantasy and reality. So, I wanted to make these fantasy characters that enjoy being with Steven as much, if not more than they enjoy being fantasy characters. The characters aren’t perfect and that’s what makes them so great.”

Steven’s family are known as the Crystal Gems, a group of rebels who fought against their government thousands of years ago and now live on earth. Steven’s mom, Rose Quartz was at the forefront of the fight, she did extremely terrible things and when she gave up her gem—-so Steven could be born—-she was left unable to form a body ever again. Steven, with only his dad and three alien women, must attempt to fix her messes and deal with the repercussions of his mother’s actions.

One of the main mechanics within the series is known as fusion, in which two or more Gems become a single being who is stronger and more powerful. The fused form takes on the physical, mental and emotional aspects of those who are part of the bond. As mentioned and discussed many times within this blog, fusions are a physical embodiment of different kinds of relationships. And for a show starring a primarily female cast, they do not shy away from using this mechanic to tell queer stories.

So explicitly that in 2018, the show had the first-ever lesbian wedding in a cartoon. Of course, representation wasn’t always as accepted in Steven Universe. Just two years before the big wedding, higher-ups at Cartoon Network told Rebecca Sugar, they not happy with the multiple queer relationships, so much so that they were ready to threaten cancellation.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, she expressed:

“If this is going to cost me my show that’s fine because this is a huge injustice and I need to be able to represent myself and my team through this show and anything less would be unfair to my audience.”

Being LGBT herself, identifying as bisexual and non-binary, representation is important to her. For many queer people, especially grown-ups, they hope to see themselves represented in kids’ media today as they never had growing up. They want nothing more for children’s shows to say that being “different” or not fitting in with our heteronormative society is actually normal.

Within Steven Universe, you can find woman-loving-woman relationships, non-binary and intersex characters, woman-loving-non-binary relationships, asexual coded characters and basically every other letter in the acronym.

Rebecca Sugar even acted as the exciting force for LGBT inclusion within Adventure Time, originally working as a writer and storyboard artist before leaving to create her own show. She pushed for making the ex-romantic queer couple to be canonically part of the story and for it to not just coded into the dialogue.

A few years later, she returned to the show, multiple times, to compose over 20 songs that would air over the series 10-year-long run such as, “I’m Just Your Problem” which had lesbian subtext that would be confirmed later.

Some other iconic songs including “Fry Song“, “Remember You“, “Good Little Girl“, “Everything Stays” and even the finale song, “Time Adventure“.

Much like the show as a whole, there is something so special about the music she writes. In total, there were over 160 songs written for the franchise, some being short little tunes, no longer than a minute while others were full-blown musical numbers. No matter, all of them have their place within the show. Often when the character can’t express lines through speech, music is utilized to provide a more raw and poignant portrayal of their emotions.

Why Steven Universe is so widely loved is due to the music, as the overall story is not even close to perfect. Yet, everyone can agree on one thing, the music is unbelievably good. What is interesting is the different styles of melodies and backtracking used in the various songs, even more impressive is that every character has their own instrumental motif.

Steven’s motif is the ukelele as he is often seen playing the instrument himself, performing short little melodies and even writing the in-show version of the theme song. Additionally, Steven’s music uses a large amount of Chiptune synth, electronic music which is created using a programmable sound generator. Both instruments have a very childlike feeling to them, Chiptune especially as it is normally used in video game music like The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, one of the main musical inspirations for the show. As Steven is the lead, most of the music has Chiptune somewhere in the score and fun fact, the first song in the show, sung by Steven, “Cookie Cat” was actually written on an old Gameboy.

Amethyst is very loud and fun, her motif is electric drums which is extremely reflective of her character. As she can be angry from convincing herself that she is not good enough to happy and giggling from pranking Steven, her instrument can be used in so many ways as she is not a simple character. No matter what, for the few songs Amethyst has on her own (or in the score), her drums provide such an interesting emotional response to the situation.

Garnet is a fusion, so her motif is actually the combination of two instruments. Ruby is a drumbeat as she is a fiery and loud character, she is chaotic while Sapphire is her opposite. Sapphire is calm and collected, she has ice-related powers and is represented by Synth music. The characters together have a perfect unity, expressed by Garnet’s synth bass sounds, she is the equilibrium of two very contrasting characters. The music associated with Garnet, uses primarily the synth bass but Ruby and Sapphire’s individual instruments can be heard throughout her music. All three instruments are also heavily representative as Garnet’s main dancing style is Hip Hop which clashing with others’ softer dancing styles.

Despite, not being alive during the show, Rose Quartz still has her own musical motif as she plays a large part in Steven’s growth throughout the series. As well as being in many flashbacks, she is represented with strings, more specifically, the violin. Rose’s story is rather sad which quite is visible within her associated music, yet, she was also an extremely powerful character as she led the fight against the Homeworld government. Her strength can be heard with strong uplifts and swells in the music. She is never seen playing an instrument unlike the rest of the main characters but one person who plays hers is Pearl, a character Rose was possibly in love with.

For the complex and beautiful character, Pearl, her motif is classical and swing piano. She is visually represented as a ballerina for a large majority of the series, dressed in a leotard, a small skirt and ballet shoes. Apart from Garnet, she is one of the calmest characters in the show. She is a perfectionist and is knowledgeable on many topics. She has a dark past and her fair share of trauma, all of this is wrapped up in her music. From her traumatic past with Rose Quartz, the violin had been heard throughout her music, yet, when she finally dealt with everything, the violin was lost. Swapped out for a new instrument, a bass guitar which she learned how to play at the end of the series. Pearl is a character who has been through a lot and her music reflects it. As she grew, her music changed with her, becoming her own instead of something built off of Rose’s.

My personal favourite song is “It’s Over Isn’t It?” which is this heartwrenching and emotionally painful ballad sung by a broken woman. Pearl was in love with Steven’s mom. Yet, the feelings were not mutual or at least ended being reciprocated as Rose left her for Greg, Steven’s dad. It hurts because Rose didn’t just leave her, Rose Quartz also passed away. As the song goes:

That they didn’t really matter until you I was fine when you came And we fought like it was all some silly game Over her, who she’d choose After all those years, I never thought I’d lose … You won and she chose you and she loved you and she’s gone It’s over, isn’t it? Why can’t I move on? … Who am I now in this world without her? Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her What does it matter? It’s already done Now I’ve got to be there for her son

Without Rose, Pearl has lost her place in the world as all she ever knew was her. Yet, now she is left to help raise a half-human baby and go on with her life. It makes it more difficult as this baby is the product of Rose and the man that she left Pearl for.

Pearl doesn’t want to hate Greg, she is angry at him but she doesn’t have hatred towards him. They may not be the best of pals at the start of the series but in the song called “Both of You“ has Steven, finally, begging for Greg and Pearl to just talk to each other.

Why don’t you talk to each other? Why don’t you talk to each other? Just give it a try Why don’t you talk about what happened? … You might not believe it but you got a lot in common, you really do You both love me and I love both of you … I know you both need it Someone who knows what you’re going through

An interesting thing about this song is that Steven is this to them, the person with Rose’s gem is singing to the two people who fought over Rose. It makes me wonder if this could be Rose speaking through Steven to her two loved ones. Whether it is or not, doesn’t really matter to the overall story but it is a fun idea to look at.

Overall, these songs are a literal representation of dealing with ones’ emotions in a healthy way, something that Steven Universe actively tries to teach their younger viewers about.

To say Steven Universe is a good show only for its music would be a false statement, it’s one of the strongest aspects but without the story or the characters, the music would fall flat and not have any of its passion.

#isaac rambles #steven universe #lgbt #steven universe music #cartoons #cartoon network #rebecca sugar #cartoon review

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spicyycarrot · 3 years

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I can’t find my original response but here goes nothing. This is going to be long.

Quite a while back, someone sent me an anon ask about what I thought of neopronouns and my answer to that was… embarrassing to say the least. It was something along the lines of “they/them is fine but I like that xe and ze and whatever is weird :/“

Now, I doubt more than one person actually saw that (just like I really don’t think that anyone will even see this post) but it’s been bothering me for a long time and I’ve just gotta say, I’m sorry, that was wrong and all pronouns anyone actually feels comfortable with are absolutely valid and I will do my best to use them correctly! I was young(er), dumb(er) and ignorant at the time and my response came from a place of just not understanding what being non-binary or GNC or anything really entailed. Most of the knowledge I had on being trans came from people I no longer support or agree with, such as Kalvin Garrah or Blaire White (who had political stances I could never befriend) but I thought that since they were trans, she they what they were talking about, right? Truth is, they really only speak from their own experiences and are convinced that their experience is THE Trans Experience™ and anyone who goes through anything different is Not Actually Trans (“transtrenders”) etc. They never listed any sources for their claims that non-binary genders aren’t real, or anything for that matter and especially Blaire White’s track record of being an honest person is not exactly good.

Same goes for the gender dysphoria debate. I’m no longer a transmed but I do think you need dysphoria to be trans. Hear me out- a YouTuber named graysonsprojects put it really well in one of her videos, namely that you do need dysphoria to be trans, but everyone experiences gender dysphoria differently. Just because someone else experiences something you don’t or vice-versa doesn’t mean one of you is not really trans. (I’ve heard the term “gender incongruence” as well but that really just seems to describe that… someone is trans? Like, it’s not an indicator, it’s just a way of saying that someone is trans?? Their gender is not congruent with the one they were assigned at birth and I don’t think you can really use “being trans” as a criteria to determine if someone is trans.)

I’m neither a doctor or a psychologist, nor do I have any qualifications, but since there isn’t really a clear scientific consensus on this whole thing, I’m just going to state my opinion and elaborate a little. You do need gender dysphoria to be trans. Otherwise, why would you even be trans? If there wasn’t at least some kind of discomfort or just knowing that your gender is not the same as your biological sex, why would you not feel content living as cis? After all, your gender is not a choice. Nobody can just choose to be trans, and I doubt that anyone actually has. So yes, you do need gender dysphoria to be transgender, since the dysphoria is exactly what defines being trans. However, people experience gender dysphoria very differently from one another. The term “gender dysphoria” implies that you must be unhappy and disgusted with yourself or something along those lines, so the statement of “you need dysphoria to be trans” can seem a little misleading. For some, it can really be that bad and uncomfortable, while for others it might simply be knowing that they’re not cis.

No trans experience is any more or less valid than the other and it is not up to anyone to police someone’s identity as long as they’re not harming anyone. Using someone’s correct pronouns is basic human decency. Everyone is deserving of respect concerning their gender identity and pronouns and you should always try your best to respect them, even if you don’t fully understand them.

It was a case of not understanding for me, and I’m sorry for that and I’m still quite ashamed, even though I don’t have any sort of platform whatsoever and was mostly keeping these opinions to myself and at the end of the day, they were harmful to myself more than anything. I have been struggling with my own identity for longer than I can remember and finding someone like Kalvin Garrah, who pretty much kept feeding into my internalized nb- and transphobia, pushing me away from something that could have helped me understand myself better and keeping me locked in the little cishet box I, along with everyone else, gets put into by society that I was too scared and ignorant to leave. People like him reinforced the negative opinions I had already had about enby people in particular and I didn’t do any research of my own out of the subconscious fear that I’d perhaps discover that I was not cis. Denying the existence of non-binary people helped me suppress that exact part of myself.

To this day, I’m still not really sure if I’m really experiencing gender dysphoria or just symptoms of my self-hatred, unrealistic body standards, mental illness and a sprinkle of teenage angst and rapid changes of said body due to puberty. A part of me is kind of hoping it really is just my hormones going wild in this frankly quite wild time of my life and I’m only seeing the parallels to gender dysphoria because I keep thinking about it, hoping it’ll fade away as time progresses. Maybe I am just a little GNC but still mostly cis. Maybe I’ll do a Gerard Way and not be a big fan of labels but very much imply that I am not exactly cishet. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Who knows. I guess only time will tell.

But really, that’s about it. If anyone ever stumbles across this somehow, especially the anon who sent me that ask- wow! I hope I got my point across and again, I am sorry for being an idiot at the time (not that I’ve gotten any smarter, just a little more educated.) Special thanks to anyone who actually read all or really any of this, if there even is anyone. I just felt like I had to put this all out there, hope it was at least a little interesting. Thank you!

#LGBT #lgbtqia #lgbtq+#trans #GNC #enby #gerard way #bc why not I mentioned him once in this post #kalvin garrah #blaire white #gender discussion #way too long #lgbt pride #pride #pride month

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tammyhybrid21 · 4 years

Text

THybrid’s Mummy Rant(pt 1)

ALRIGHT!

Sooo…

I kind of said I would be organizing a big giant analysis and rant on this character-- Because I have many, many feelings. Buuut I think this is probably going to be something that just ends up diving into a lot more for the context I do have. Both in terms of the movie, and the research I've been rolling around in--

So-- before I put this under a cut/readmore, can I put some context into this?! And by context--

I mean in general I would not be here if Mummy hadn't been the one Netflix had for the Movie's preview. Mummy is why I'm here, just because whoop. That's a character design that CALLS ME! So yeahh-- that out of the way…

First Impressions:

Sooo… in the first movie Mummy is… only in the last third, roughly of the movie. Which is a crying shame in all honesty because for me he steals the show from that point. AND we get to see SO MANY Sides. Like, just… there's a bit to unpack here, and it also leads into more of my Autism squee talk--

But I don't think I could even really articulate everything in a straight cohesive manner so I'll sort of sum it with the most important screencaps.

Soooo, I have a lot to say… and a picture says a thousand words… but especially here and okay, so those screencaps are… not exactly all the story, but they say a lot for what they say. And then you can compound that specifically with the research that I have… again, been just rolling in. Because GIMME!

Sooo anyway, let me talk about these screencaps while my brain is turned on. Because I feel that all of these are important! Including that first glimpse! Because like-- what you need to understand is-- Do you know how hard catching something like that is?! And how did he notice it. Which like, that's probably a sensitivity thing, but specifically! That would whistle on the way down!

Then!

LET ME TALK ABOUT MASKING!

Like just-- all these next pictures and moments! They bring up Masking. Because look at him when he's first approaching, first seen in full. He's threatening, intimidating(up until Tadeo spots him and it's just scream for them both) BUT THEN IN PRIVATE! Clapping, flapping, and well, we can watch Movie 2 with a very specific lense based on a piece of WoG I found…

But even those next few screencap moments--

Like, Mummy is important, BUT there are rules of how you're supposed to present yourself. Like look at him! Look at him in front of the guards! How Paititi is revealed and even the lead up, like, he has a good shift from the slight goofball to commanding and then to intimidating and just…

Snap fingers and the guards respond(which then with movie two… boyyyyy I want to know what happened). And as much as we think that hug is intense…

And then look at the shy nervous child. WHICH I'm going to bring in a moment or two from the Series, Descubre con Tadeo(which is a fun watch even if I only get like, maybe a fifth of the content).

He's insecure and nervous… and we related it to being like… first day of school jitters. BUT THEN he-- also has a perfect shift here as well.

Put on your professional voice! And like, I suppose some things could be argued in terms of Mummy's antics in the second film. But I just… have too much more to say that the whole movie kind of feels like.

"FIRST TIME I AM FREE!" in terms of how Mummy is running around and just having fun! You ever just want to cut loose mate?! Scream, or go wild… but like… with the second movie I have other places to just go, WAIT?! What happened?! And also just analyze moments that are… well…

But like, number one is a background moment actually(and I hope so muuuuch that it means something in movie three please)

LOOK AT TADEO'S CONSPIRACY BOARD!

Like I'm just here like, Mummy?! What did you do?! On his trip over, which for all is kind of implied/feels like a B-Line, and I have… other thoughts and feelings on that. But like, the conspiracy board! Mummy! Also considering that the English Localization has Tadeo in Chicago(and I want to know if that's true for everywhere--) As an aside in this moment, can we just appreciate the jump of quality in the animation between the movies?! Like ahhhh the details! I just hng-- And some things in the whole animated series as well…

Edutainment.

WHICH features BOTH Mummy and Tadeo just special interest dumping. And it's A++

He also hums the theme song in his take over episode, and dances and is just ahahahahah

Which, this is one of the two Mummy just-- yanks the show for himself moments… The other has him playing with everyone else as dolls and I just--

Yes

Gender

Which look, I've been going off some level of fluidity for him! Since I watched the second movie and he just-- STOLE THE SHOW! And the credits sequence, I have… a lot to say about his around the world trip but most of that ultimately amounts to disorganized screaming about the fact that he starts the travel with only one dangling earring and ends it with two to speak to the guards--

And that then goes into--

ANYWAY--

Genderwise, I've been informed that there's a WoG confirmation of nb, which… Good Representation! Even if I have personal… bad, yucky, awkward feelings about the term, if that's the confirmed canon term. Well. My personal dysphoria with the term specific aside.(Non non, it always feels like--) NO WONDER I HELLA RELATE!

For those not caught up-- I myself identify as Agender. Which is a nb-spectrum gender, or as I refer to it as when trying to explain. "Gender, yes". I have a gender, and that gender is yes it's something and exists. But like, I'm not tied to the binary of Male-Female, not really. Sooooo--

If Mummy is confirmed nb, which, I will be source hunting for sure.

Well, his relatability to me just skyrocketed EVEN MORE!

Like I'm sorry, you don't understand! That's super important on MANY levels. Not just for the rare gender to be highlighted. BUT!

Mummy is very Autistic Coded. More on the female stereotyped Autism as well-- and then FOR THE BIG THING! He's Inca!

Like, do you people even have a scale for the important points that he's hitting here?! (And if we add apparently spoken about Asexuality?! Excuse me!)

Like I don't know how much I could say on how important this is representation and character wise…

Sooo

Moving on.

Inca

Sooooo… this is probably something dumb to tack onto the end but. I'll be the first to admit it. I'm… coming from a culturally blind/naïve perspective but-- it's something intrinsic and important to understanding Mummy as character. He's from a cultural background I honestly don't yet know enough about. (Can I ever know enough though?!)

He's an Inca. And more than that-- WoG seems to have implied, he's Royalty, whiiiiich puts into perspective some of those screencap moments and brings about a host of interesting research topics for me to just gleefully dive into and roll around in.

BUT

With that contextual framing.

This dork, and this moment-- and thinking about how he's got the pull in the first movie to boss the guards around. Just like-- Make decisions and call the shots… and more to me…

Who put the cufflink there?! SPECIFICALLY?!

Because like, all he said was "keep it safe"

I also really, really want to know if there's some cultural significance and nuance I'm missing here, because hooo boy. As far as I have, this is basically just subtle nods and confirmations that he's royal, possibly even the recognized Auqui of their set up here(which as of movie two, possibly no longer the case).

I also have a lot to say about THIS:

In terms of the half a dozen or so resources that have STUFF to say about Handshakes to the Inca(albeit there is more than just a handshake buuuut). But this is already 11 pages in word and honestly, I don't think I could explain things in a nice and tidy context for all my FEELINGS that I have.

Sources:

Screenshots taken by myself and a friend

Tadeo Jones & Tadeo Jones 2: El secreto del Rey Midas

https://www.telecinco.es/tadeojones/descubre-con-tadeo/16940/ For additional character screenshots, albeit had to find some of it on Youtube.

WoG on Mummy's implied Royalty: https://www.animum3d.com/blog/animacion-3d-tadeo-jones/ (And English translation C&P feat. Google Translate: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DPhIuurqtx7QJm1df31cviHsqDEgKH5t9MVstJZHpRw/edit) Point of NOTE

With the designs and the script in front, you start to shuffle ideas, by his golden dress, his hat and his cape you imagine that he is someone important within his clan, that should give a sublime aspect to his behavior, as if he belonged to royalty, someone with a refined attitude and manners, are ideas that do not have to be evident or definitive, but in some way help to set parameters when shaping your personality.

WoG on Gender & Sexuality: Still on the hunt, right now more fandom news(please gibe me the source!) FOUND: https://elcultural.com/Enrique-Gato-y-David-Alonso-El-reto-ya-no-es-sorprender-sino-crear-empatia-con-los-personajes & https://www.ecartelera.com/noticias/41656/pelicula-aventuras-definitiva-tadeo-jones-2-equipo/5/

My son asks me many times if Mummy is a boy or a girl and it's all at once. It's absolutely ambiguous and that also makes it a lot of fun.

“For us he is asexual and we really like playing with it.”

Conclusion:

WATCH THESE MOVIES PLEASE!

And get the culture being represented by one of the characters RIGHT!

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sunnysideofsaturn · 5 years

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2019, oh how you’ve destroyed me.

basically i’ve seen a ton of posts like this, especially by one of my best interweb pals (lookin at you, C @hey-im-pan ) and it’s inspired me to make one of my own! i journal a LOT but it’ll be interesting to try and sum everything up in little synopsis.

*side note: i struggle with anxiety, depression, insomnia, and ocd, so those and their effects may be mentioned. be cautious. This also doesn’t include a lot of the more personal instances, so don’t take it as an accurate representation of what it is like living with these issues*

January:

Honestly, not much happened. I went on a college visit trip with a few of my friends to my dream school, which was stressful but informative, and my anxiety attacks were far and in-between. Sleep schedule was wack (has been since 7th grade), but i was functioning. Dysphoria (i’m nonbinary, but hadn’t really even come out to myself then) was pretty high this month in particular for some reason, so i finally started trying to convince my mom to let me cut my hair off. (I had like 2.5 feet it was a mess)

February:

Finally came out to one of my close friends as pan, kinda accidentally but she was chill with it :) My grandma had a weeklong sickness that scared the shit out of me, but she got better for the time being. I was constantly pushing myself academically and physically at practice, but my grades were taking a bit of a nosedive because i didn’t have the capacity to deal with everything, but i bottled it up because i hate feeling weak. I continued to explore my sexuality, and started to research the gender spectrum.

March:

School and Crew (rowing sport) were the only things on my mind at all times. I started having more anxiety attacks again, and decided it was time to talk to my doctor about going back on meds after 3 years off them. IB was kicking my ass, but i’m so grateful for all of my teammates for giving me an escape on the water. Started to accept I was non-binary.

April:

A month full of good vibes i really needed. Got my drivers license on 4/20. I hiked my grades up with the help of extra credit, held a “wedding” in a Dillard’s try-on section, and spent a few days of spring break at the beach with two friends. I finally cut my hair off!! That feeling was literally incredible and i try to get a haircut every other month to actually keep up with it now. Saw endgame, died inside, and competed in an art show! I was doing really well, so I went off my meds again (don’t do that without a doctors permission like me).

May:

BAdddd time to be off meds, anxiety and depression were dropping my health and IB finals kicked my ass and the class i had been most excited about taking had become my worst at this point, but I got through the exams without missing any. Went to Jr. Prom though! We actually used going to Jr. Prom as a coverup to throw a surprise birthday party for my best friend. I still have no idea how she didn’t figure it out. I also started talking to one of my internet buds, Rosie. She’s helped me through so much she doesn’t even know about, and it such a beaut inside and out <3

June:

MADE IT TO PRIDE MONTH!! I finished my actual finals with minimal panic attacks, and join a Parkner discord! That was short lived, but from it was born… The What the Actual Fuck Fam, whom i love dearly. You guys still crack me up, and i know i’ll always have people to fall back on ( or help me commit murder.) Turned 17 and watched Monty Python (again.) Was forced into not one, but tWo bible camps, but also went to my first pride in my city! I have never felt so loved by so many people i don’t know :)

July:

Depression hit me HarD. I was constantly in a bad mood and taking it out on other people and myself, and I was losing even more sleep. Went back on meds for a bit. I got to see Far From Home, but pretty much isolated myself from anyone in my real life. July is always hard for me to get though for some reason. On a happier note, I started talking to @winterrs-child , who I now love dearly and @exbrodokills , which started out by exchanging memes but i think we can now call a friendship :D

August:

More depression, yayyyy, but Rosie and my irl friends helped me through it so much, even if they didn’t know it was happening. I finally came out to my parents and grandma as pan. They honestly took it pretty well, even if my grandma thinks it’s a ‘phase’. Also came out to C, B, and T as non-binary. Ya’ll were the first people I told after a YEAR omg <3 developed a huge celebrity crush on a cosplayer i won’t name even though they’ll never see this :’) Also fell back into the kiribaku pit after finally stabilizing my Parkner obsession. Also, joined a sapphic server which is basically a big gay support group :) (thanks to Rosie)

September:

Started my senior year of high school. So far, it’s pretty much been one big panic attack but i’m managing. I’m a mentor on the crew team this year and have adopted pretty much every underclassmen on the team. I love them all equally (except for my favorites) Cut my hair even shorter! I love it! Got back into writing poetry and short stories after an intense writer’s and reader’s block that lasted for almost a year. Went off my meds again (I should stop doing that, ik) Went to a Harry Potter fest, which was great, but started building up major anxiety for planning the rest of my life.

October:

SPOOP MONTH. October is my favorite month, so I was determined to make it good. Went on a couple more college tours, but also celebrated fall and halloween with my favorite people. Came reallllly close to stabbing my IB Bio teacher, but he’s survived, so far. Cosplayer mentioned earlier followed me on insta, cue gay panic. i also accidentally created a huge cuddle pile of 30 girls on my team in the captain’s backyard. It was as amazing as it sounds :0 Applied for 6 colleges

November:

CAVETOWN omg. I was also murdered with a bent hammer (don’t ask) and my mental health was pretty stable. I joined yet another server created by the cosplayer, and have made so many friends through it, plus gained a new dad figure :). Contemplated buying a binder on black friday, didn’t and deeply regret it (planing on getting one with the christmas money i get from my homophobic grandfather we pretend doesn’t exist) Discovered the goodness of Baby Yoda. Did pretty much no spanish homework. Solid 7/10

December:

Honestly, school wise december has been the most stressful month of this year so far, and the 2nd worst depressive episode. I’ve written 6 essays and done 5 projects this month and that was not a good time for the already low seratonin levels. i got waitlisted for the school i mentioned earlier, but was accepted into the other 5 :) I got to see an Of Monsters and Men concert, and I’m trying to push thorough til break, but my grandma has been getting sick more and more frequently over this year and now she’s been in a lot of pain for over two weeks and in and out of emergency care 6 times. Just hoping to make it to 2020 with everyone in tact and healthy :) I’m doing a secret santa with my friends im looking forward to. My friends have been amazing support through all of this mess, even if ii didn’t tell you about it, and i love you all!!

special mentions:

@donnaschaunamanon

@dawdlzdoodles

@harleykeenerprotectionsquad

@bumbblebeeeeee

@lykkesw

@chai-studying

@hey-im-pan

@pumpkinparkner

@everyone’s users i don’t know/remember

#2019 #get to know me #recap #2029 is not a real year #i don't have 2020 vision

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thetravelerwrites · 6 years

Text

Ironblood Interspecies Daycare

Rating: Teen Relationship: Male Orc x Female Human Additional Tags: Exophilia, Orc boyfriend, Daycare, POV First Person, First Person Perspective, Male Reader Content Warnings: Kids, Children, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Disowned Words: 5035

An orc running a daycare takes on a new employee and feels an immediate attraction to her, having to struggle with his own feelings of inadequacy to get close to her. Commission for @ban23.

The Traveler's Masterlist

You might think that running a daycare would be a weird job for an orc, but orcs are a clan-oriented people. Caring for and watching over the young is sort of ingrained in our nature. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

Of course, since my daycare is open to all species, we have quite a few kids. There are a lot of human-only care centers, orc-only, fae-only, and so on. They’re usually pricey and exclusive, so an interspecies daycare that takes lower income families was a boon to the community.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t take all the kids whose parents applied, which made me feel terrible. According to the law, there had to be one care worker per five children, and I only had four employees plus myself. I was hoping to expand, but I was having trouble finding more caregivers.

It wasn’t for a lack of wanting to pay more people, it was more a lack of experience. I didn’t hire weekend babysitters; I only hired people with professional experience in child care, whether it’s a degree or a teaching position or several years of homecare, like a nanny or au pair, accompanied with references that were nothing short of glowing. Just because these children came from poor families was no reason to think they deserved anything less than the best.

Thankfully, there was a new applicant with a degree in child psychology with a special focus on interspecies relations, and spent four years as a school counselor. She was also a registered nurse. She sounded perfect, and if hiring her meant we could take more kids, then that was all the better.

I had scheduled her interview after close of the business day, when all the kids had gone home. I always tried to be in the back when the parents arrived; some of the moms were… handsy.

After closing, the five of us gathered in the back area for coffee and so the others could grab their personal belongings to go home.

“Ms. Jones keeps asking if you’re single,” Jacob said as he grabbed his things from his personal cubby.

“Mrs. Peterson, too,” Said Emily, wrapping a scarf around her neck. “I swear she’s gonna start camping out near the front door to ambush you when you leave.”

“Please, Karen from the grocery store has been leaving notes with her weekly fees. I keep giving them to Jukah and he keeps throwing them away.”

“They’re wildly inappropriate and very graphic,” I said, sipping coffee and looking over invoices.

“Really? Oh, damn,” Jacob said. “If that’s the case, I’m going to keep them from now on, then. I’m not above living vicariously.”

“Why don’t you ask one of them out, Jukah? They’re clearly into you, and there’s no shortage of options,” Emily asked, putting on her coat. She was the only other person besides me who worked here that wasn’t human. She was a bright blue kobold with dark spikes along her jaw and two sets of horns. Her tail was smooth, however, and dragged the ground when she walked. She often let the smaller children ride on it to make them laugh.

“They’re too pushy,” I replied dismissively.

“I thought orcs liked pushy women,” She said.

“That’s a gross stereotype and you’re wrong for saying it,” You said playfully. “Different orcs have different tastes, just like everyone. I don’t push you toward every buff bodybuilder I see, do I?”

“Gross,” Emily said, her face scrunched up.

“See? Because I know you like skinny weirdos,” I told her, laughing.

She laughed too. “You’re right. I can’t even lie about it.”

“So what kind of woman do you like?” Esther asked me. She was the grandma of my employees, having been a pediatric nurse for decades and started working at the daycare because she refused to retire.

“Why are you people so interested in my love life all of a sudden?” I protested.

“Because it’s weird that all these women are literally throwing themselves at you and you’re not interested in even trying with one of them,” Kody said. Kody was non-binary and was a big help in teaching the kids to be respectful to each other.

“I keep my work life and my personal life separate,” I said simply. “End of story.”

To be honest, I really didn’t know why these women found me so appealing. By orc standards, I was considered extremely ugly. I’m about a foot and a half too short for an orc, and even though all orcs are born with a natural muscle tone, I was way too skinny. My tusks are too small, though that’s actually fine for my line of work. I even file down and cap them, just to be sure I don’t accidentally gore a kid when I pick them up. I don’t wear my hair long the way other orcs do, in braids or plaits; I keep it short so the kids can’t pull on it. I even catch flack because of my eye color, a flat turquoise, which is exceedingly rare among orcs.

It wasn’t just my looks that made me unusual among my people. I’d grown up in a typical stronghold, but I’m quiet, introverted, and self-conscious. I’ve never felt the same sort of personal pride that other orcs feel in being an orc. I don’t hunt or fight or spend my time in other typical orcish pursuits. Timidness and a lack hubris are seen as personality defects for my people. In the eyes of other orcs, I might as well be human, and that’s in no way a compliment.

My only redeeming features were my skin, which was the deep, dark forest green found most attractive among my kind, and my natural ability and instinct to care for and teach the young, which is a high priority in orcish culture. That’s probably the only reason I wasn’t thrown out before I came of age. When I was old enough, however, I left the stronghold with no intent to return, and I’ve never regretted that decision.

So, these womens’ attention, especially the more aggressive ones, is baffling to me. I’m nothing special, in fact, I’m downright substandard, so this new-found attention was jarring.

“Just think about it, man,” Emily said. “You’re a nice guy. It’s a shame for you to be alone.”

“Guys, seriously, stop worrying about me. I don’t need to have a girlfriend to be happy. Now git,” I said, waving my hands. “I have an interview to conduct in thirty minutes.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kody said. “Whatever you say, Boss.”

I shooed them out and started cleaning up the play area. I enjoyed the time alone in the daycare after work. It gave me time to think about ways of improving the atmosphere for the kids. It was always good to have new things for them to do or they’d get bored and tear the place apart.

I heard the front door open as I was stacking tiny chairs and a voice say, “Hi. Are you Jukah Ironblood?”

“Yes, I am. Can I help you?” I called over my shoulder without turning.

“I’m Briauna Ramos, I’m here for the interview.”

“Oh!” I said more animatedly. “Of course, come in, I’ll be right with you, let me just finish up here.”

“No hurry,” She said pleasantly, closing the door.

I picked up the last of the chairs, stacked them, and turned. And stopped in my tracks.

The woman standing patiently at the door with a expectant smile on her face was petite with thick thighs and a cute little belly, wearing a flowing yellow top with black jean leggings that did nothing to hide these features. Her skin was a deep brown and her amber-colored eyes were wide, framed in long, black lashes. Her hair was silky, wavy, a little fluffy, and fell to her shoulders. She wore a small barrette in the shape of a bee to keep it out of her eyes.

She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my entire goddamn life.

“Something wrong?” She asked, her eyebrows drawing together in concern.

I realized I’d been standing with my mouth open for about a solid minute and shut it so quickly that my teeth clicked.

“No, sorry, um… please,” I said, gesturing at the door to my office. Once there, I sat at my desk and motioned for her to take the chair on the opposite side. She lay her coat over the back and sat down, pressing her her cold fingers together and putting them between her thighs to warm them. I tried my best not to stare at her thighs. I wanted to put my own hands between them and feel how warm…

I mentally slapped myself back into reality. Stop it.

Her application was on the desk in front of me, and I riffled through the papers for a moment to collect my thoughts.

“You come highly recommended,” I said, attempting to keep my voice even. “Your references and credentials are incredible.”

“Thanks,” She said. “I’ve wanted to work in childcare my whole life. Working at the school was okay, but I actually didn’t have all that much to do. Most kids who need a counseling are already in therapy, and there wasn’t much need for a nurse most of the time, so I spent hours in my office with nothing to do. I want to work more directly with children. This daycare seems like a perfect place, especially since it caters to lower income families. They deserve the same degree of care as private facilities.”

I felt myself smile. “I completely agree. That’s why I only hire the best. And you’re pretty close to perfect for this job.”

She smiled with her whole face, and I found it hard to breathe. “Thanks. I’ve applied at a few places, but I like this place the most. The facility is large and clean, and the list of activities for the kids is diverse and stimulating. You seem like you really care about kids.”

“I do,” I said. “Providing a safe environment for them is my first priority.” I looked through her papers again. “We have a former nurse on our staff, but she’s no longer practicing, so your nursing status is great. We get all kinds of bumps and scrapes here.”

“I can imagine,” She laughed.

“Well,” I said with a tired sigh. “I’m satisfied with your experience and I think you’d be a good fit here. When would you like to start?”

“Well, I just moved to the area, and I’m getting my apartment unpacked. How about Monday?”

I nodded. “Sounds good to me.” I stood and held out my hand for a handshake. “Welcome to the team.”

She took my hand, shaking firmly, and it was like an electric shock passed from her into me, making my whole body tingle. I gulped and tried to keep my professional demeanor in place.

“Great, I can’t wait to start,” She said enthusiastically as she pulled her hand away and threw her purse over her shoulder. “I’ll see you Monday, Mr. Ironblood.”

“Oh, just Jukah, please. Formality goes out the window pretty quick in this place,” I said, laughing.

She laughed with me. I could listen to that laugh all day.

“Thanks again,” She said, and left. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t help sneaking a peek at her ample rear as she walked away. I said down heavily at my desk and tried to calm myself.

Well, shit. So much for keeping my personal and professional lives separate.

She arrived early on Monday morning, before the others got in, and you had a few minutes to show her around.

“This is your personal cubby,” I told her, showing her a cubby on the lower shelf. “You can keep your phone with you in the common area, but try to use it as little as possible. If you have to take a phone call, either come back here or go outside.”

“Gotcha,” She said. She was wearing a powder blue sundress and darker blue leggings with her hair in a tight, fluffy ponytail two tendrils of hair hanging on either side of her face. She looked adorable.

The others wandered in shortly after the two of us put our things away and I introduced all of them. They greeted her politely and engaged her in light conversation, asking where she was from and how she was liking town so far, as they started on the coffee and pastries I brought in for them every day.

I had about fifteen minutes before the daycare opened, so I went to the waitlist to notify the families at the top that I could take them. A couple of people had already found accommodations, but the ones who hadn’t were overjoyed, two of them even asking if they could fill out the intake paperwork that day.

A paper plate with a pastry and a cup of coffee was placed in front of me. I looked up, and Briauna winked and smiled at me before returning to the back room.

Oh, god. This was bad. Love at first sight doesn’t exist, I told myself. She’s pretty and sweet, sure, but this is just an infatuation. Don’t even think about it. Didn’t you just tell your team that you didn’t need a girlfriend to be happy? Besides, dating a co-worker is always a bad idea. She probably wouldn’t be into you, anyway. Just get a grip and let it go.

The children began arriving, and I was out front to greet them, dodging the over-eager mothers as best I could. Kody, Emily, Jacob, Esther, and Briauna came out of the back when they heard the children’s voices. They quickly fell into their roles, including Briauna, helping the kids take off their jackets and instructing them to put their shoes and lunches in their cubbies.

I’d say only a third of the kids were human. The rest were a mix of orcs, fae, beast creatures, and even a little half-demon girl. Most of the children were between the ages of two and five, though we did have a couple that were under two years old, and they were mostly Esther’s responsibility. She was the best at handling the babies.

“Okay, little ones, sit in the circle and play the quiet game for a minute,” I said to the group, and they scrambled to find a spot in the big, red sitting circle in the middle of the room. “We’ve got a brand new friend who’s going to be helping us out from now on. Her name is Briauna.”

Briauna waved at them and said, “Nice to meet you!”

“I want you guys to be nice to her,” I continued, “And stay on your very best behavior, okay?”

“Yes, Kah-Kah,” said the chorus of little voices.

“Kah-Kah?” Briauna asked in an undertone. “That must go over well with the Spanish-speaking parents.”

I grinned. “We’ve all got nicknames. Emily is Emmy, Jacob is Jay-Jay, Esther is Essa, and Kody… well, Kody doesn’t have a nickname, but theirs is easy to pronounce, even for the littler ones. Just wait, I’m sure you’ll have your own by the end of the day.”

Sure enough, the children had started calling Briauna Na-Na by lunchtime.

“Told you,” I said as we began laying them down for their afternoon naps. She grinned at me with the tip of her tongue between her teeth. I felt like slapping myself after wondering what that tongue might feel like on mine.

Naptime was when we took lunch. One of us was assigned to sit with the kids as they slept so that the others could eat, and there was a rotating schedule. Today was Kody’s day. I made a note to add Briauna to the schedule later.

“So, how was your first day?” I asked her over my club sandwich.

“Amazing,” She said. “It’s exactly what I was hoping for.”

“Yeah, the kids are great,” Emily said. “They almost make the pay worth it.” She grinned and stuck her forked tongue out of me. I reached out and whacked her spiny shoulder lightly.

“I wish I could pay all of you more,” I said a little regretfully. “We’re applying for low income care grant for businesses that involve children, and when the grant comes through, I’m hoping I can give you all bonuses.”

“Bonuses,” Jacob, Emily, and Esther all said in unison, like zombies.

Briauna shook her head and laughed softly. “Honestly, I don’t care about the money. Today was probably the best day of my professional career. If I didn’t need to eat, I’d do it for free. It’s exactly what I’ve always wanted. Kids deserve a good start, no matter who or what they are, or where they come from. I’m so happy to help do that for them.”

I stared at her in an awed silence, feeling as if my heart had taken up all the space in my chest, leaving no room for my lungs. There was no point in lying to myself anymore: I was head over heels in love with this woman.

I forced myself to look away from her, and ended up glancing at my other three co-workers, who had sudden knowing smirks on their faces. I scowled at them and lowered my eyes, eating to occupy my mouth so I wouldn’t have to answer questions.

Walking home that evening, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I knew myself well enough to know I’d never have the courage to just ask her out. I’ve never been that confident. All of my exes had asked me out, not the other way around. I thought about having someone ask her out for me, but I shook the thought out of my head with a grimace. This wasn’t high school. I was a goddamn adult and running my own business. I should be able to ask her out without a buffer.

Thinking that was easy, doing it was another thing entirely.

As I passed a novelty store, I stopped and looked in the window. There was a very tiny stuffed deer sitting in a little gift bag with chocolates cookies.

I stood there, staring at the stuffed deer. In the old days, orcs wanting to charm a mate would go through a courting ritual which usually involved hunting large game, like bears and deer and the like. I definitely wasn’t the hunting type, but… the point was to show your adoration through gifts, to show what you can provide for your mate. I certainly didn’t intend to leave dead animal on her doorstep, but I did want to offer her affection and companionship.

I ducked into the novelty store and bought the gift bag without really thinking about it. And now that I had it, I had no idea how to present it to her. I couldn’t just give it to her during work in front of the others; I was too self-conscious. I hadn’t seen her anywhere outside of work, so I couldn’t “accidentally” bump into her someplace else. I wasn’t going to show up at her house unannounced like a goddamn creep. I sighed, hoping I’d figure it out.

The next day, I was sure to get in before everyone else and hide the gift in my desk. As it happened, that day was my day to sit with the children during naptime. After the kids were sleeping and everyone went into the back room for lunch, I snuck quietly into my office, retrieved the gift, and slipped it into one of Briauna’s coat pockets.

After naptime, Briauna took out a book she’d brought from her own home and had all the little ones sitting in a semi-circle around her. She was naturally gifted at holding their attention. Well, not just theirs. I couldn’t stop staring at her.

I had put a high precedent on early education, so lessons on shapes, colors, numbers, and letters were a weekly thing. Not enough that it overloaded their still developing brains, but just enough to keep them engaged and help them retain the knowledge. We often did a flash card game with a points system, and the winner got a reward from the toy chest.

“You’re going to scare the kids if you keep making faces at Briauna like that,” Kody told me as they looked over the children’s worksheets.

I scoffed. “What are you talking about?”

Kody gave me a deadpan look. “Come on, man. I’m not blind. You’ve been staring at her all day. Hell, you practically drool. You’re really going to act like you’re not attracted to her?”

“Just drop it.”

Kody raised their hands in surrender, their eyebrows shooting up to their hairline. “Fine, fine.” They shook their head at you. “You’re a hot mess, you know that?”

“I’m more than aware, thank you,” I told them. Again, they shook their head and wandered off to set out the art supplies for creative time.

They rest of the day passed without incident. Briauna pulled on her coat without checking her pockets. I watched her with my heart in my throat as she left with the others. Kody shot me a meaningful look before following her out of the door.

The next morning, she came in with the giftbag in her hand.

“Who left this in my coat?” She asked.

“That was in your coat?” Emily said. “There’s no note or anything?”

“No, I found it in my pocket when I got home,” She said. “I thought maybe one of the kids put it in there, but the price tag on the bottom said it was, like, twenty bucks, and I don’t think toddlers keep that kind of cash on them.”

I winced internally. I’ll have to remember to take the tag off next time. I’d never done this before, so some mistakes were bound to happen. I’d have to be more careful in the future.

“So, which one of you gave me this? Jacob?”

Jacob snorted. “Girl, you cute and all, but I’m gay as the day is long. It was one of them,” He said, gesturing at the rest of us.

“Not me,” Kody, Esther, and Emily said in unison.

“What about you, Boss?” Emily asked.

I tried my best to look affronted. “Please, I spend enough money on coffee and donuts for you losers every day.”

“So, none of you are going to own up to this?” Briauna said. “Really?”

“Hell, maybe it was one of the kids, you don’t know,” Emily said.

Briauna rolled her eyes. “You guys are impossible.”

“You like it,” Kody said, grinning.

Two days later, a teddy bear and some caramels found their way into her pockets. A week after that, there was a stuffed tiger and gourmet hard candies.

On her day to sit with the kids at naptime, I brought her a coffee, and she whispered, “Who do you think is leaving me the presents?”

“Dunno,” I said. “Could be any of them, really. Well, except Jacob.”

“Not you, though,” She asked shrewdly.

“I’m your boss,” I said. “Wouldn’t that be inappropriate?”

“I guess,” She said, shrugging. “But I thought you said formalities went out the window here.”

I gulped my heart down. Thankfully for my slowly crumbling facade of professionalism, the soft bell that alerted the end of naptime went off, and it was time to get the kids up for afternoon playtime outside.

That evening, while I was alone in my office, I was going through this months invoices while also looking at edible fruit and chocolate arrangements on my phone, when I saw my office door open. Kody stood there, leaning on the doorframe with their arms crossed.

Putting my phone face down and fixing a neutral expression on my face, I said, “What’s up?”

“Dude, do you really think I don’t know what you’re doing?” They said.

“I’m filing invoices,” I said.

“Come on, man, you know what I’m talking about. I know you’re the one leaving Briauna the gifts. Esther’s married, I’m asexual, and Briauna’s not Emily’s type. It has to be you. You’re not that slick.”

I sighed. I knew they’d caught me. “Are you going to tell Briauna?”

“No,” They said. “You are.”

“I can’t,” I said, scrubbing my face with my hands.

“And why not?”

“A lot of reasons,” I replied, reclining in my chair.

“Name one,” They said.

“I’m… weird.”

Kody laughed. “We’re all weird, Jukah.”

“It’s...” You sighed. “I doubt she’d even be into me. I’ve got… a lot of baggage, and not everyone is strong enough or willing to carry it with me. Trust me, I know. Every girlfriend I’ve had has seemed to buckle under the weight.”

“So you’re saying she’s not enough for you?”

“No!” I retorted, sitting up. “I’m saying I’m not enough for her. This place,” I gestured at the walls. “It’s all I’ve got. I’ve got no family, no friends besides my co-workers, no life outside of my work. Hell, I don’t even have my health. I’m a shit excuse for an orc. I mean, I’m too damn shy to ask a girl out. What does that tell you?”

“Maybe she likes shy guys,” Kody argued.

“Orcs aren’t supposed to be shy,” I said with a scowl.

Kody sighed in frustration. “Why are you so obsessed with what orcs are ‘supposed’ to be like?”

“You don’t understand, Kody,” I said with a return sigh. “I grew up in a stronghold, a traditional one. The pressure they put upon us to be the best orc possible was suffocating. I wasn’t the only one who who had to deal with it, but I was the only one who couldn’t live up to the expectation, the only one who didn’t grow up into the orc I should have been, and that has severe repercussions in orc communities. I was my stronghold’s biggest shame. None of my family speaks to me. My clan won’t even acknowledge my existence anymore; I’ve literally been erased from the book of clan lineages.”

“Dude… I do get it,” Kody said. “When I told my family that I was non-binary, asexual, wasn’t planning on having kids, wasn’t a Christian, and had no intention of taking over their business, they fucking lost it. I was their only kid and they had placed all their expectations for the future on me without asking me how I felt about it. They kicked me out, cut off my tuition, wrote me out of their will, refused to see me or take my calls. I went from working on a degree in medicine to living on a park bench. You were the one who gave me a chance. You gave all of us a chance.” They came in and laid a hand on my shoulder. “I don’t really give a shit what other orcs think of you, and you shouldn’t either. You’re worth so much more than they’d want you to believe.”

“Thanks, Kody,” I said. “It’s hard to undo an entire lifetime of being told you’re not enough.”

“I know,” They replied. “But do you really think Briauna is the kind of person who would think that? And if you do, why would you want to be with someone who does?”

“I don’t think she’s like that,” I said. “That’s one of the reasons I like her.”

“Then ask her out.”

I sighed sharply and ducked my head. “What if she says no and things are awkward, and she decides it’s too weird to work here? I’d have to kick out all the new kids we just took in,” I shook my head, resolved “I can’t do that. The kids come first.”

Kody groaned and rolled their eyes. “God, you are insufferable!” They walked to the door and leaned out. “Would you please come in here and put him out of my misery?”

To my complete shock and horror, Briauna walked in with a sheepish smile on her face.

I stared at Kody in disbelief. “Wow… you are… just… so fired.”

“Please, you need me,” They said, backing out of the room. “I’m basically your conscience.”

“You are the exact opposite of that thing.”

They laughed as they made to exit the building. “You kids have fun.”

Briauna stood there with one of the stuffed animals in her hands. “So it was you, then?”

I stood up and raked my hands through my hair. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? It was sweet. A little creepy, but mostly sweet.”

I snorted. “I wasn’t trying to be creepy. I just wanted to get your attention.”

“Well, it worked.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a little stuffed bunny, something I hadn’t given her, and held it out to me. “Would this be enough to get your attention?”

I laughed and took it. “Yeah. And… maybe… dinner when you’re free?”

“I’m free now,” She said. “And there’s a curry place I’ve been dying to try since I moved here, but I’ve never had the chance to go.”

“That sounds perfect,” I said, grabbing my coat.

“Kody’s right, you know,” She said as I opened the door for her, stepping out into the chilly winter evening. “You shouldn’t care what people think about you. Well, except for me.”

“And what do you think about me?” I asked her.

She put her arm around my waist. “I think you’re really cute. I did the day we met. I was hoping the gift giver was you. And I think shy guys are adorable.” She lay her head on my chest. She was a short little thing. “I’m also hoping you won’t be too shy to kiss me goodnight.

I put my arm around her shoulder in return and lifted her face with my other hand. I kissed her softly and she pressed into it, parting her lips as if asking for more. My tongue reach out to toy with hers, and she moaned into my mouth. I pulled away, licking my lips.

“Dinner first,” I said, smiling.

She snorted. “You might regret that. It is curry.”

“I’ll take my chances,” I said, leading her down the street.

Since my work is no longer searchable, please do me a favor and reblog this story if you enjoyed it. Help me reach a wider audience! To help me continue creating, please consider buying me a Kofi, becoming a Patron, or donating directly to my PayPal!

Thanks for reading!

My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

#Exophilia #Orc #Orc Boyfriend #First Person Perspective #Male Reader #Male Monster #Monster Lover #SFW #Children #Kids #Daycare #Interspecies Romance #Reader Insert #My Writing #Commissions #Ban23

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junipersdragon · 5 years

Text

Thoughts After Finnishing The Bright Seasions

Just be warned, there are some spoilers about the podcast, so if you haven’t listened to the whole thing, I suggest not reading this post.

Dr Bright: God, do I love this woman! I wish I had her as my therapist! She is so kind and practical to her pacients. I’ve actually began using one of the breathing exercises that was mentioned in on of the episodes, and it works really well for my anxiety. Joan Bright, best therapist 10000000/10

Sam: Boy, can I relate to Sam. Having clinical anxiety and depression is really tough and I struggled a lot with panic attacks this past year. I can’t imagine how it would be like to loose your parents in such a tragic way, but having someone to love and help you heal, even if you’re taking a break from each other, Of very good. Having a suport system is always good. Also the fact that the crossover Ars Paradoxica with The Bright Sessions is cannon blows my fucking mind.

Caleb: I love this boy. I love him. I would do anything for this boy. He is so kind and loving and sweet and, let’s be real here, that’s hard to do when you’re openly gay and in high school, empath or not. When he and Adam finally got together, I was gushing so much with feelings I nearly dunked the rag I was cleaning with into the toilet. Also, taking a flask with herbal tea in it to a party is now one of my main stratigies when I go to college

Adam: once again, I love this boy and would do anything for him. He is so sweet and very relatable. Having depression is very difficult, especially when your partner can’t quite understand your feelings. However, Caleb always makes an attempt to understand and talk with him. I’m so glad that Adam was a much bigger part of this podcast than I expected, because I truly love him and he and Caleb are such a good couple together. I cry every time at “You keep me green.”

Chloe: ACE PRIDE ACE PRICE ACE PRIDE!!!! God, I love how diverse the cast is with their sexualities in this show!!! Chloe is confirmed to have multiple past boyfriends and girlfriends, all while being ace and not having any intrests in having sex with them! It’s so good to see this kind of representation and I wish there was more of it in mainstream media. Chloe has such a big and beautiful and loving heart and I love her so much as a character! I could probably listen to an entire podcast just about her and Frank’s art adventures.

Frank: A smaller role in this podcast, but an important role nonetheless. Without Frank, many things would be left unanswered and the fact that whe know normal people can be inhanced and become atypical is a very interesting topic that I really hope comes up in The AM Archives. He and Chloe’s relationship is so pure and I just think that they are the best best friends ever.

Damien: oh, this man. I have a love/hate relationship with this man. His character is so solid, his morals are grey, leaning into black, but towards the end of the podcast he gets a redemption I never saw coming, to the point where I can truly say that I would love to listen to a podcast about Damien tracking and coping without his ability. He’s a very good antagonist and though he isn’t the main one, is my absolute favorite.

Mark: I love Mark. I love everything about his character, to his enthusiasm about the 21st century, to his relationship with Joan and Sam, to his voicemail. God, I love his voicemail. This man is pure comedy and hurt and I love him so dearly. I hope that his art helps him begin to cope and I hope that he and Sam get back together as some point in The AM Archives, because I love them so much together.

Wadsworth: Ah Yes, the Queen bitch. I hate this woman’s guts for everything that she has done because she is unapologetically evil and confident. She is such a good antagonist and I hope to never hear her appear in The AM Archives, but let’s be real, she probably will at some point. I hate this woman, but god, did her actress do a good job portraying an outstanding villain.

Green: Owen is a morally grey character and, for a really long time throughout the podcast, I hated his guts. I groaned right along with the characters whenever he called. But towards the end of the podcast, I fell in love with this goofy and morally grey guy. I’m so happy that he’s the director of the AM now, because I know he, Sam, and Bright will do amazing things.

Rose: We didn’t get to know Rose very much, but boy am I glad that she is there. Without her, we never would’ve gotten such an amazing 50th episode! The music in that episode was amazing and gorgeous and if I had money, I would be listening to those songs until my ears bleed. I love the blend of specialities we have in this show, with Chloe being ace, Mark being Bi, Damien being Pan (I think? Though it’s never really confirmed what his sexuality is), and Rose being lesbian. I hope we get more of her in The AM Archives.

*Bonus Episode Characters*

Myra: Yes, The mom character. Myra is a very interesting character, What with her past of abuse and her astrial projection. She loves her daughter very much and I know that she is a good mother and a good person.

Melanie: This character is a prime example of what it is like to be apart of the LGBTQ+ community in a dangerous country such as Iran and Seria. She falls in love with a girl from her dig team and I gushed at the clouds parting to reveal the stars. I wish for a day where everyone in the LGBT+ community can be safe and love who they love.

Austin: I would die for this child. I love this child and if anything were to happen to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.* I know how it feels to feel like you’re invisible. I lost a lot of friends this year, so walking around, it felt like I wasn’t even there. But I love Austin so much. He is such a sweet boy with a big heart and has great taste in music. I would love to hear an episode with Dr. Bright rocking out to P!ATD.

Lou: *see Austin* Lou is such a sweet girl and I am so glad that her episode was made. Loosing a friend is hard, especially when you know you can never see them again. I lost a friend this year, not to cancer but due to school drama, and it hurt quite a lot. But I am glad she is using her ability to do something to help the eart and I’m glad she is slowly moving on.

Victor: I’m not quite sure of what I think about Victor. He’s an interesting character with a morally grey past, but I can’t help but smile at the fact that he and his sister are finally reconnecting after so long. Family is very important I’m my culture, though as I learned, family isn’t nessicarily the one you’re born into, but the people you love the most in the world.

Arthur: I can’t not head Zach Valenti’s voice and think of Eiffel from Wolf 359. So I will forever headcannon that they are the same person.

Rory: *see Austin* when I think of Rory, I think of this cute yet badass teen rocking a leather jacket and red streaks in her hair. Her ability is distructive, but I’m so glad that she’s learning to control it properly.

Niko: *see Austin* Non-binary pride, bitches! As someone who’s best friend is trans, I absolutely adore this character! They’re voice and their humor and everything just makes me grin ear to ear. I want more Niko in my life and would gladly listen to anything to do with them.

Vanessa: Chloe’s Mom has got it going on, guys! Man, I love the chemistry that her and Joan have. They are just such good friends and I laughed so much during this episode. I also cried when the death of Chloe’s sister was finally explained. I would gladly listen to a podcast where it’s just Joan and Vanessa shorting the shit together. They are my brOTP and I live for it.

#thebrightsessions #podcast #review #mythoughts

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aroworlds · 6 years

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Hey super big question , I feel like we’re about to be slaughtered this December because Grindlewald is Aro Gay And I’m worried that jk is going to completely dehumanize him with Jonny Depp and that she chose Jonny because of his ability to play dehumanizing characters and the writing and his portrayal combined is going to be horrific for us and I can’t stop stressing about it , and asshole allos had to bring up Grindlewald is Nazi metaphor and then I just read the wiki on Hitler, he was ace fml

I said on the weekend that we should be allowed to connect to characters who are not good representation and express that connection, and that’s absolutely true. This said, it is also true that our connection does not mean other people cannot discuss the problems with that character and story. I can express a connection with Clariel; other people have the right to discuss how her position as series antagonist situates her as another loveless villain and her message is, consequently, damaging. Both approaches are important.

To deny people space to talk about the problems, parallels and metaphors in a work or character because of our connection is as silencing as their denying us space to speak of our connection. There are specific spaces where it isn’t appropriate to discuss some feelings in that space (a fanblog where folks gush about Clariel isn’t the best space to argue that she’s dreadful aro-ace rep) and this should be respected. On your own blog, you can certainly put up boundaries on the conversations you prefer not to see. But in broader, general community spaces, the risk is that people will have differing viewpoints and that many of these viewpoints can be hard for us to take, especially if our connection to a character or work is deep and intense.

As an autistic, it can be difficult to see people have a differing opinion about a special interest. It bothers me if they don’t like something I like; it bothers me even more if they like something I consider terrible! It feels like a personal judgement, and it’s hard not to get extremely defensive in response. When it’s tangled up in questions of representation, erasure, marginalisation and identity, it becomes even more complicated, and my connection to my special interest is such that seeing differing attitudes and evaluations of it that hurt me provoke depression, defiance or anger. Those feelings don’t make for easy conversation about it with other people.

One thing I’ve found as an answer, at least in the realm of a work I connect to being dismissed, is analyzing works myself. Yes, I like it, but what does it mean? What’s the context of this character? What are the themes and how do they relate to real life? How might these themes cause harm to others? What does the context of this character say about identity? What lead them to develop this viewpoint? Is it one I should keep? This allows me to continue to engage with a special interest topic while having desensitised myself to viewpoints that aren’t mine, because part of how I now connect to it is thinking about it from lots of different angles. But this took me years to develop and you may not be yet in a position to approach things this way. It also doesn’t work for attitudes and evaluations of a work based in out-and-out hatred or bigotry; you need to be prepared to dismiss them without being overwhelmed by them, and that’s also an ability that takes time and self-awareness to gain.

I do recommend exploring the idea that a special interest doesn’t need to be perfect to have value to meand that a special interest doesn’t need to be perceived the same way by others to have value to me. Your connection to a work is about you and you alone. That connection is not diminished or erased by someone else’s opinion, someone else’s actions or someone else’s response. This applies for disagreement about character arc or idealised representation, and it applies to erasure and antagonism.

I know nothing about Hitler being ace, but so what if he is? Seriously, so what? There’s plenty of lesbian TERFs. There’s heaps of binary trans truscum causing harm to non-binary people. What of Milo Yiannopoulos? Does that mean all lesbians, all binary trans people and all gay men are irredeemable? Of course not! Being of a marginalised identity does not preclude one from being harmful, dangerous, cruel, malicious or damaging. There are aromantic people out there who are dangerous to me. That doesn’t make them less aromantic or less dangerous. It just means all kinds of people can be aromantic, including those I think morally reprehensible.

Anyone who declares all gay men dangerous because of Milo Yiannopoulosis a heterosexist bigot, and the same applies here. You cannot spend your life worrying that an awful person is gay/ace/aro/trans/autistic (etc) and what that means or if people will use that against you. If you do, you’ll never be able to breathe. The only person you’re harming with this worry is you, and you deserve better than that.

If other people use someone’s existence to dismiss your community, as has happened so many times in antagonistic conversations over the last couple of years, handle it like you handle anyone else hateful. Block them. Report vile hate speech to Tumblr. Move on to more constructive creations and conversations.

The majority of fictional and creative media is at least unthinkingly amatonormative, ableist and cissexist. I rarely get to pick up a book that respects me as a trans, autistic aro, and I have to acknowledge this risk of being hurt every time I start something new. This isn’t right or fair, but it is our reality. This movie is going to be no different on that regard, no different to the rest of the media that hurts us. The difference here is that I think this is a property you care about, one that you deeply connect to--and that’s perfectly right and normal! But that connection makes it harder to see that this is the same thing the a-spec community has been enduring for years and years. We’ve weathered everything that’s come before and we’ll weather this, too. You’ll weather this, just as you weathered every other instance of erasure and antagonism in a fictional work.

You can’t change what track the film takes or how people respond to it. You can’t control other people’s coding. You can’t control other people’s hatred, dismissal and erasure. Worrying does nothing to change the situation; it only causes you unneeded distress. Rowling has supported Depp’s casting despite wide condemnation, so what else can you do? You either see the film anyway, knowing the risks, or you don’t--and not seeing it is a valid and reasonable option, one absolutely worth considering.

Under the cut, I talk about therapy and self-care for handling anxiety:

Given your distress, I do feel it a requirement to say that I think you should look into psychology and therapy services for your anxiety. This ask goes a little beyond the scope of what I can reasonably and ethically offer in validation and support. As someone with severe anxiety myself, I swear to you that worrying about something like this, a situation you cannot change yourself, is a problem that is causing you unneeded distress and harm. I don’t know where you live or what your options are, but there are blogs that detail support options. I genuinely believe that you need professional support here and encourage you to consider this in whatever options available to you.

(If you are already in therapy or treatment, I take this post as an indication that your current approaches are not best supporting you and it may be worthwhile to discuss this with your care providers.)

I’ll finish by saying that you can handle the situation, if you feel that you cannot bear the finished film and conversations about it at all. Blacklist tags relating to content you don’t wish to see. Unfollow people who post content you don’t wish to see, especially if it’s most of their content or they don’t tag. Don’t go searching tags. Follow blogs you trust. Quietly block anyone who annoys you. You don’t need to engage in arguments on something you disagree with; you can block users and, if you really need to get something off your chest, make new posts about it on your own blog, in your own space. Turn off anon asks if you think you might be harassed for your opinions; restrict private messages to only blogs you follow.

I’d strongly advise not engaging in discourse and arguments with people who disagree with you. Block, make new posts on your blog if you must talk, reblog folks who are making points that resonate with you. You don’t have to convince the world of what you know or how wrong they are. You don’t have to engage in activism here. Just block and move on. Getting yourself caught up in arguments with people who aren’t disposed to hearing you will only cause more stress and harm to you. Some people can constantly engage in discourse without losing themselves in anger and aggression, but I’m not one of them, and I suspect you’re like me in this regard. Our activism is healthiest for us when directed into community building and validation, not fighting those who won’t listen.

Likewise, you can prepare for any self-care you need should the above fail. Have go-to media like books, films and music you need to distract yourself. Have a list of activities you enjoy that you know that calm you and work through them. If you have a friend or two you can trust to talk with you or distract you, contact them. If this is in your ability, go outside, go for a walk, go to the shops--away from your computer or phone. Watch a YouTube craft video and attempt to follow it. Play games. Write unrelated fanfiction. Keep a list of Calming Things You Can Do by your desk and on your phone, and work to develop a habit of reaching for that list when even slightly overwhelmed or stressed. Again, this is an area where a mental health professional will help you in identifying and using the interests and tools you already have to cope, particularly in working with your own interests and needs, so if you can’t put this into action on your own, this is another sign that you need a psychologist or therapist on Team You.

It’d be irresponsible of me not to suggest that you, and any other aro-spec who feels this way, seek professional support. That you’re turning towards me says you’re not currently getting what it is you need elsewhere, offline and off. That’s not a criticism on you: you deserve to be supported. It’s in no way a crime to want someone to help shore you up in the face of dismissal, erasure, antagonism and hate; it’s in no way a crime to want support from a fellow community member in the face of the antagonism we are so often dealt.

But right now, I do believe–again, as a person with severe anxiety myself–that you’re in need of professional support to cope with the things you’re finding difficult, much more support than I am ethically able to provide. I know first-hand that finding good mental health care is far from easy for many of us, but if anything is available to you, I hope you’ll consider seeking it out.

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yayabones · 7 years

Text

Thoughts on Shadow Sistxrs Fight Club

As an artist, i often think about what my dream art project would be :

~immersive

~empowering

~inspiring

~ethical

~challenging

~educational

A project i have dedicated most of my 2017 to is, for me at least, the very epitome of the above!

For the uninitiated, Shadow Sistxrs Fight Club is a physical and metaphysical self defence class for women, non binary people and QTIPoC.

It was born out of the idea to create a safer space to learn self defence. i am a confident person, but often I find it daunting entering new environments, especially if i know it may be kinda br0-heavy or a white dominated space. i thought it’d be amazing to have a space that combines the esoteric wonderment of magick with the empowering physical feelings of martial arts. a space where women, non binary people queer witches and QTIPoC could commune together, exploring our interests in the occult as a collective, helping each other learn, heal and create.

I knew nothing about martial arts, so i turned 2 the internet calling out for a “WoC martial artist, bonus points if they’re a witch”. Monique Etienne and I found each other and Shadow Sistxrs was borne.

When we embarked on our first round of classes ( a 7 week course, each based on 1 of the 7 chakras ) both Monique and I had very little experience facilitating any form of classes. There were so many things we had to learn and our first series of classes were incredibly challenging, yet deeply rewarding. We would leave each class in ecstasy, feeling nourished by the collective energy created in the class. We dived in hearts first. We gave all our emotions to every class. Without any prior training in trauma therapy or professional healing, as the series unfolded, a set of big lessons lay ahead of us.

We developed a safer spaces policy that all members have to read before entering class, and with the help of my labradorite stone, i learnt to set boundaries between my emotions, and my role as facilitator.

As we come to the end of our 3rd series of classes, i reflect at how far Moni and i have come as facilitators, and am proud of our insight and dedication to maintaining a safer space for our sistxrs.

As we have learnt through this process, there is no real safe space. As complex and varied beings, with a plethora of experiences, differentiating boundaries and unique needs, one person’s safe space may not be safe for another person. We can, however, strive for a space where there is clear communication of the intended healing and nourishing atmosphere, and allowing each individual the time and space to take time out if some thing is triggering or taxing

SSFC has been a channel for me to explore my interest in herbalism in more depth. It has given me a platform in which this hobby is praised and not pushed aside. Each week i will prepare a herbal tea blend and delve into my books to revise the medicinal and magical benefits of the herbs, their planetary ruler and ancient traditional uses. I take no credit for this knowledge, as it is widely available online and in herbal books. But having a space where i can relay this knowledge, in hopes that the stories of these herbs can be passed on, shared and made commonplace again.

Something we emphasise in our manifesto is “every shadow sistxr has wisdom and knowledge to share”. I have learnt so much from our classes and most of those lessons have come from my fellow sistxrs. Wether it be Bea Xu sharing with us a traditional use of the Yarrow stalk in China was to create the hexagrams when divining with the i Ching, or Billie reminding us that an ancient use of incense was to keep the journeyer grounded to earth while they ascend the astral realms. The relationships we have built through communing together in this way are so sacred. I am honoured and grateful to all the sistxrs who have shared their presence, even if just for one session!

I love and loathe social media simultaneously, but i can thank it eternally for bringing Monique and I together to create SSFC. Monique is something special. as Sirin Kale wrote in her Broadly article about our class : “Etienne has the charisma of a cult leader and the practiced intensity of a top athlete. I don't exercise or own a DVD player, but if she brought out a fitness DVD, I'd buy it.” i know Moni squirmed at the thought of herself being depicted as a butch cult leader, but I think this description is perfect (soz mon). Each class Moni teaches, she is learning more about her own practice. having to simplify moves that she has been drilling for years, and explaining them to a coven of novices gives you a different perspective on the technique. Teaching martial arts to a group of people whose primary interest isn’t fitness, but healing and protection. Monique sees deeply into the spiritual benefits of martial arts, and shares these insights with us. One quote i will never forget ( and i searched frantically for a pen after she said it to write down in my SSFC handbook ) : “your structure is not weak, its just stronger in a different way”

As the year came to a close in 2017, I reflected upon my past year, and a strange anxiety fell upon me. I looked back and criticised myself for not making any (physical) ‘art’ since my YSP residency in March. Raised typically Chinese, I am taught to judge my success on my physical output and achievements. But my whole year has been focused on something much larger than a sculpture that will not get sold and eventually will rust away. I have been investing so much time, energy and soul into this art project, my dream art project. An immersive, empowering, inspiring, ethical, challenging and educational piece. Relational aesthetics some art theorists might say. I don’t know, but Shadow Sistxrs is not just the sum of Monique and my dedication, it is made manifest by the incredible souls that are drawn to the class. The sistxrs who delve into the mysterious and possibly daunting, and come to an unknown place, with unknown people, to share their hearts, their power and their wisdom, and leave with a new coven of Sistxrs.

~we are the shadow sistxrs, and we are the protectors of our own souls~

#magic #wyrds #bjj #self defence #witchcraft #magick #herbalism #herbal magic #Protection spell #brazillian jiu jitsu #jiujitsu

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