#it is CRAZY how priviledged i am and how easy my life is.

[tazzmanian-devil]

im so scared of the future. i dont know what im going to do with myself. i am not mentally capable of working enough hours to support myself without killing myself. i truly believe that if i lived alone i would burn my house down. i cant work jobs that require a lot of standing or interacting with others. i dont have the autism that makes me good with computers to do something online. i have no idea what im good for. i dont even draw well or often enough to do commissions, and i feel too guilty about not being in a difficult financial situation to even offer them.

i dont know how to apply for disability or what it would even grant me besides tax benefits. one of the questions on the website is for employment status, and the two options are employed and unemployed/seeking employment. i do not think i am capable of working a regular job, and i have no idea what IRregular jobs there might be. i tried reaching out to my school's employment coordinator, and her ONLY advice was to sell my work. i am trying!

maybe it would be different if i felt more direct and specific pressure of a problem to solve and less general pressure to do what im supposed to without knowing what that is. im living with my grandfather and aunt right now, so im not feeling housing pressure. my parents are paying for my education, so im not feeling pressure to pay that back. why do i need that? what is it for? what is my goal? i dont know. i have money from student loans in my bank account paying for my groceries.

i feel like a horse whose ass has been spanked. something is driving me forward, but i dont know what or which direction to run. i have no idea whats coming, and its horrible. i dont know what i want or what i should be doing next, except for 'get a job' which is such a vague instruction that its leaving me spinning my wheels.

i should get a job so i can live alone...but i dont want to live alone. i dont think i CAN live alone, unsupported. what is any of this for??? i start taking steps forward, and im haulted each time by myself asking why? why am i doing this? whats the point? what do i want from this? nothing? i want nothing? im only doing this to satisfy external pressures? then whats the point? cant i just watch movies all day instead? whats the point?

[panthera-tigris-venenata]

"AITA for dumping my boyfriend which led to him being captured by a bunch of crazy pirates?"

For a bit of context, me (17F) and my ex boyfriend (17M) come from a drastically different backgrounds. My boyfriend comes from a very priviledged and influnetial family (I'm not sharing exact details due to his media notority), and it's only due to his influence that me and my friends (17F, 18M, 15M) were given a chance to live on the right side of the tracks, so to speak.

As you can imagine, that was challenging. Me and my friends were put into a unique position.

We were forced to do a complete 180 of our lifestyle and beliefs.

Some of my friends, particularly E (17F), are taking to the change so well - she's doing so well. She's becoming a big name in the fashion world, which I'm so happy for her, she's been so passionate about everything fashion ever since I knew her, and she's doing so well in school too. She just got the chance to show off how clever and amazing she is, she's really blossoming in this new enviroment.

Right. Anyway. My boyfriend.

He kept asking me to give up every last of my beliefs, every little thing that made me who I am today, and I didn't feel like saying no was an option. As I said, his family is exteemely influnetial, and his parents could very well take this new life from my friends.

So I tried to adapt.

I studied hard any way I could. I was supportive girlfriend and tried planning exciting and cute dates - which is a thing that I never did before, so it was a challenge for me - and he almost never had time for me.

I even dyed my hair blonde and completely changed my style to fit in better.

I kept answering these never-ending questions from media that just kept hounding me - I've never felt more like a prey before, and I grew up in an extremely "survival of the fittest" situation.

But it never was enough. Even with all the support my friends and particularly wonderful E were giving me, I couldn't take it anymore.

I decided to end things with him on a friendly note, going as far as throwing in the obligatory "It's not you, it's me," and to make the move back to my childhood home so he could move on quicker.

I just wanted to be myself again, you know?

But my ex-boyfriend decided that I was making in-the-moment snap decisions and that he needed to come get me.

I did not ask him to follow me.

You see, my childhood home is a very dangerous place, especially for a person in his position.

He knew that, and my friends informed me that they warned him against following me repeatedly. Since he was relentless, they went with him, and warned him to stay with them and in disguise.

Keep in mind, I did not ask him to come.

Failing to follow easy instructions multiple times, my ex-boyfriend wandered off and was kidnapped by a bunch of crazy and murder-happy pirates.

Despite all of this, I went out of my way to help him get out of this hostage situation or whatever. (If we're being honest, the pirates like to put up a bit of a display. It's a thing we all do.)

So, I did as much as I could, even though I had no obligation to help him anymore. I got as much information as possible about his situation, getting insulted in the process. I planned a rescue operation, even though I needed to mend all the relationships that were broken by me moving to my boyfriend's place, basically. Lot of people weren't happy with that, so I had to make a lit of social calls.

I really feel like I did all I could at any point of this situation.

So, Reddit, AITA for getting my ex-boyfriend kidnapped?

[cityofkingsandqueens]

City of Kings and Queens // WIP Introduction

TITLE: City of Kings and Queens GENRE: Young Adult (Romance, Drama, Alternative Universe/ Future) RATING: Teen (and very mildly up) STATUS: WIP (planning and some mild dips into actual writing)

God, how Ellie had always hated those girls. Vapid, spoiled, boy crazy Barbie dolls who's sole concern in life was “But does he like me?” Yet here she was now, hurrying towards the park in the dead of night with the skirts of her ridiculously expensive gown dramatically billowing behing her. Running away from the boy she wanted too much and the one she should have wanted more…

All her life Eleanor has looked over the river at the bright, shimmering lights of King's Island. Wondering what it would be like to be part of the elite. Never worry about the future, never want for anything… There’s always been this whole different world just a short boat ride away, but for someone like Eleanor it might as well be on another planet. King’s Island is for royalty, for diplomats and for the filthy rich. Eleanor has been born on the wrong side of the river and she has no reason to doubt that this is where she’s going to die some day. That is until one day she receives a letter bearing the Royal Seal. A letter that will change her life forever…

Eleanor “Ellie” Ramirez - Duchess of The Pacific

“Everyone expects me to mourn him; pretend like he wasn’t a total stranger to me”, she spat with a bitter laugh that almost sounded like a sob. “All they want is a perfect act - the lost daughter shedding tears at his grave with the whole world watching. But the truth is that I feel nothing. I am almost eighteen years old and all this man has given me are his eyes and a whole range of daddy issues…”

Ellie's life takes a drastic turn when the girl from the wrong side of the river learns that she's the illegitimate daughter of a recently deceased Duke of the UKNA. Thrown into the glamorous world of King's Island she soon learns that not all that glitters is gold...

Alexander “Xander” Johnson - Crown Prince of the UKNA

“Twenty years ago this country was on the brink of a street war that could have cost thousands of innocent lives. They needed something to show the tribes that they heard them. A big gesture. I was born eighteen months later - a Crown Prince with Blackfoot ancestry.” His smile was almost sad when he turned to her and Ellie thought that he looked younger somehow. Softer than she had seen him all evening. Innocent. “I have learned very early that in my line of work the heart has very little say...”

As future King of the UKNA a lot of responsibility rests on the young prince's shoulders, but he never quite seems to grasp the true meaning of this until the girl who used to have nothing opens his eyes to both his priviledge and to the needs of his subjects.

Raveesh “Ravi”  Dewan - (future) Viscomte of New York

“Did you know I was born just three days after Xander?”, he chuckled, but there was no humour in his eyes. “Second to the future King from the very first breath I took. Funny enough, I never cared. Maybe that’s why we became friends. Because I didn’t mind standing in his shadow and because this way he never had to watch his back around me. But now...”. he sighed and looked over to where Ellie was chatting and laughing with Della and a few other girls from school. “This might be the first time I actually wish I’d been there first...”

Being raised in a world of politics and power games has not always been easy for soft, sensitive Ravi. But things get even more complicated when he meets Ellie and suddenly finds himself torn between his role as the people pleasing right hand man and the desire to go after what he wants for once in his life...

Taglist under the cut (that’s just a list of people I usually tag in these, if you want to be added to future posts and/or to the “Taglist” tab on the page, just let me know <3)

@billyshxrgrove, @perfectlystiles, @sgtbuckyybarnes, @ohhitherekatie, @chichots, @vicapuleti, @jamezvaldes, @thorsdiana, @missjanuarylily

[absolutcoca]

I didn't like the first episode of the second season of ODAAT and that’s why

I'm engaging through a very tricky battle right now and ready to get all the hate you guys have to give me but first let me explain.

“The turn”

That's its name. I suppose it was meant to strike us, to makes us want to watch the next episode and as always, feel appalled but also relieved that what was weighing upon us had finally words put on it.

This episode is principally talking about racism and the way we react to it, which, in this regard, makes a very accurate analysis. Indeed, I am very thankful for it to exist, because it does depict our society and the different characters that live in it, in a quite faithful way. 

 Though, ODAAT is not only a slice-of-life show, it is also a “teaching” show, that makes us realise the way we could or should live in a healthy family, in this society. It is not only a show to laugh at, this is a true “bildungsroman”, but in the Friends format. 

So, what is bothering me?

you don’t care? too bad for you my opinion is very important

I was surprised, in this episode, being annoyed by the way Schneider was considered and also by the moral of this story overall.

What a cool reaction, Elena. Showing your support and amazement about him taking interest in your culture. (yeah she gets a bit on my nerves) [...]

(bilingual. he’s dumb and knows it)

(and she can’t take a joke)

[...]

same, buddy.

Schneider, that weirdo with the sad rich syndrome, who somehow is welcomed in this Cuban-American family, happens to know spanish better than Elena, the daughter. He’s proud of himself (and so I am) and the waiter is happy to speak Spanish with a fellow bilingual. He says he’s bi, and she gets offended. Nothing was dangerous or insulting out there, chill girl. Anyway, regular Elena stuff.

it IS. IT FUCKING IS

Schneider tries so fucking hard. Like, he didn’t have any sense of what a family is for real other than the fact he was covered in gold. Being poor is an ocean of pain, but you know how the saying goes, money and situation can’t fulfill you as a person, and thus, he found fulfillment in this family.

So, he’s learning everything. He wish he hadn’t naively said that racism couldn’t exist in LA, because as a white person that has no problem with difference, who would even fight for it, he tends to forget racism exists.

Okay so now the whole “white” thing. 

Stereotypes are for everyone, some suffer truly from it, some not, and this is determined by the fact you were born looking like settlers (or being their descendants) or looking like who was persecuted by settlers (or, being their descendants). Now we all agree, violences are, in this western world, perpetrated by those who look like settlers, against those who look like those who were persecuted by settlers. Long story short, you get me, white people against whoever is not a white, christian, cis, straight, blabla, you know the drill.

This was taken as a joke, because come on Schneider, are you really living hell corresponding to all of the societal criterias? Of course not. But what I don’t understand is that tendency to reverse, just as grudge would, the effects of racism against POC. This “them and us” tendency, when Schneider here only tries to show empathy, to be part of the fight. He’s kind of not considered as an “ally” as you say out there, and that’s a problem.

I mean, Penelope is just being salty like. “I don’t know where these stereotypes come from”, when the episode begins with a proud:

which is so fucking cliché! and so fucking fine!!! because they KNOW they’re being stereotypical, and it hurts no one, they are being happy and proud about it. But get me: all stereotypes have some kind of basis. The real problem comes when those sterotypes are changed into weapons. Very easy to hurt when it touches the heart, very easy to make you feel not at home. 

It’s kind of reccurrent in the show that Schneider, trying to show his support, is being silently shut down, because of his priviledged situation. Yeah no, he can’t relate, but he tries, at his level, and maybe what he feels is not the same kind of pain, but you have no right to invalidate it.

Generally speaking, the dirty looks/talk to the most privileged ones arise, meaning: “you don’t welcome us, we’re not acknowledging you either”. Basically, doing the exact same shit the persecutors did/do, assuming that if they look like persecutors, they probably are, when people could actually want to USE their privilege to help fighting for equality rights.

Any ways, it’s kind of not okay reducing someone to their skin colour, building a whole mockery list out of it and invalidating them showing support. Reducing someone to some of their aspects is literal discrimination (not discrimination as in the big word including persecutions, okay? the literal definition.). Even if it’s white.

out of context but well fucking said.

But actually all of this is me just being petty. The true problem comes with the end of the episode.

Some random guy asking them to keep quiet inside an icecream shop, really unpredictable when they are basically screaming.

Then Penelope decides that she’s not happy someone said fiesta/asked them to shut it down a bit.

...aaaand that’s beside the point.

He never said they didn’t have the right to be here, and being the owner or not doesn’t change the fact they aren’t allowed to have whatever attitude they want to have in a public space. That could have come from a latinx/poc! So he just reiterates:

[...]

He admitted it wasn’t a smart move. But then she’s insisting on the bad clichés when he said nothing but fiesta. I’m sorry but this “Arriba!” thing makes her pass off as a crazy latina lady. It was particularly unnecessary. 

And, they were actually throwing kind of a party so what. He’s not telling them to get out of here and he didn’t attacked them “other than” using a spanish word when they were clearly screaming spanish words in an opened-to-public ice cream shop. I would have done the same. Anyone would have.

and thats when I made the same fucking face. He didn’t stereotype anyone for God’s sake.

Still making the same face like lmao. You get the right to be a “little racist” but when they come saying something NOT racist, like, “fiesta” to a bunch of spanish screaming people, you lose your shit? Not only it’s not credible at all, she’s also making a fool of herself by throwing a fit to someone asking them to tone down in a public space. One person's freedom ends where another's begins. This attitude was welcomed in a sports event, just as in the beginning, but not in a café which is natural.

And so, no, it was NOT awesome. That was disappointing and did not give much credit to their fight. Penelope is not aiming her anger to the right people here.

Other than that, the moments talking about how words hurt, and the talk Alex and Penelope had made me cry. Still really love this show.

~*end of my very important opinion on this episode, love*~

[doomednarrative]

2018: A (Personal) Year in Review

I put off writing in general so much, but I’ve put off this particular post long enough. 

And no, this isn’t about the general world or the country. It’s about my personal life, and it’s mainly a vent/personal rambling post, so I’ll put under a read more. If you don’t care to read it, that’s totally fine. 

But anyways. Here we go: 

2018 was...a fuckin ride, to put it in simplest terms. 

For those who are new and unaware, lemme briefly bring you up to speed about the end of 2017 for me, cause it’s important to the context of this entire thing:

December 17th of 2017, when I was on my third day home for Christmas break from college, I packed a backpack, and I left my dad and stepmom’s house for good. 

Their house had been abusive for years, and my mental health was in the absolute tank in college. I was feeling casually suicidal and had a full on breakdown about having to come home for winter break. After a fight I got into that night with my stepmom after she found me texting some friends on Discord (which I wasn’t supposed to have, even tho I was almost 19 and an adult at the time,) she got Pissed, and so did I. I had finally had a group of friends who supported me and helped me out so much, and I didn’t want to loose them. And I couldn’t stand the abuse, the treatment of me like I was a child with no privacy or personal autonomy, the constant pushing for me to date my one long time friend and to be straight, or my parent’s inability to accept me as their son and not their daughter any longer. 

I was given a choice, and told if I decided to leave, I wasn’t welcome back. A few months before, my best friend had said that their parents had a safe space for me to go if I ever needed it. They had been aware of how bad some things had been with my parents and feared for the worst, so they offered me a home if it came down to that. And that night, it came down to that choice. 

I packed one backpack of stuff I was allowed to bring (solely because it was stuff I bought) and I walked to my friends mom’s house, and by the next morning, I was at her dad’s house, safe and sound. 

2018 became the year of learning how to be an adult in a house that treated me as one, and in a house that didn’t put my personal safety and mental health in danger. 

2018 was...well, it was simultaneously the worst and best year of my life. 

Early on, I could tell my parents weren’t going to let my off easy for leaving. My mom wasn’t a problem, she had been out of my life for almost two years at that point, and hadn’t attempted to make contact with me for a long time. 

But my dad and my stepmom? Oh, they were determined to make my life as bas as they could while not being physically around me. 

First thing they did? They tried to take all of my possessions from my dorm at college without my knowledge, because they thought that They owned that stuff. I only found this out because I called the college to formally drop out and ask when I could pick up my stuff, and they informed me my parents were already planning on picking up my stuff for me. 

Me and my now adoptive parents ended up making an impromptu trip, four hours up and four hours back, that night to my college campus to make sure that I could get my possessions before they could. And we were successful.

Next thing my dad did to screw me over after moving out? 

That bastard stole about 700$ from a joint bank account I had with him to use for college. That was money I earned from about 7 months of work at my summer food truck job. And he took it because he legally could since it was a joint account, and didn’t tell me. i found out when I went into the bank to withdraw that money and open a separate account. 

So I was starting off the year with already some setbacks. 

Thankfully, I Was able to replace my birth certificate and social security card relatively easily, so that was in my favor at least. 

Then, come my birthday on January 26 last year, I got a letter. Two letters to be specific. One from my stepmom, and one from my dad. 

Both were full of manipulation and guilt tripping language and just. Gaslighting and more emotional abuse. They had somehow gotten my address from when I had set up my separate bank account and changed my information in the bank system.  And they decided to send me abusive shit as a birthday present. 

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt a lot. 

They continued to try to do stuff like that. They called me multiple times from different numbers, they called police on my adoptive family to say that I was crazy and that my parents were like. concerned for my safety because i had blocked their phone numbers after the first two phone calls. They texted me from different numbers, just. A lot of different bullshit. 

February was the first time I saw my dad since leaving. I had gone to a screening of Love Simon, as it was really important to me, and somehow thru some stalkery methods, he knew i was there and he confronted me in the theater lobby after the film. (When I asked how he found me there, his answer was ‘I have my ways.’ I never posted about this encounter when it originally happened.)

He proceeded to be transphobic to me in public, demeaning me and humiliating me in front of everyone in the theater, told me I was the reason my siblings were now in therapy (which is a lie, my brother was already in therapy for anxiety long before I left), calling me crazy, telling my adoptive mother that I “needed help” and that “she’ll outstay her welcome.” He said a lot of awful things, and eventually I left the theatre in tears after screaming at him that I was his son and that this shit was why I left in the first place, and that he should go fuck himself.

Thankfully, I didn’t see him for months afterword, not til october, right before I left my retail job that he and my stepmom found out I worked at. I saw my stepmom three times at that job, once with my siblings (which is the only time I’ve seen them since leaving and that was. Very hard to deal with and a very emotional time), and twice without my siblings. The times she came without them, she was an absolute fucking asshole to me, still spewing her abusive rhetoric about how I was in the wrong for leaving, and how my father did nothing wrong when he saw me in February. 

She and my father only left me alone after I told them that I would not get into an argument while I was on the clock, and that if they didn’t leave I’d call the store security guard. 

After that, they haven’t done anything else. Yet. We’ll see what 2019 holds. 

But, aside from the bullshit with my parents, 2018 had its other ups and downs. More ups than downs, but it still had it’s rough moments. 

I got a job in early May as a sales associate/cashier/fitting room attendant for a well known Coat Factory chain store. 

That job was pure fuckin hell, and I’m glad I don’t work there anymore. The last week that I was supposed to work there before leaving for my new job, I got pulled into the side office by the manager on duty (she wasn’t an actual manager, she just had closing priviledges) and she Screamed at me about how a customer complained about me, she hated me, my coworkers all hated me, all three of my managers hated me, and how she was tired of my attitude and how she couldn’t wait til I was fuckin gone. The whole issue that night had started because of her and how she couldn’t properly communicate to me where she wanted me to be that night and what duties she wanted me handling. She took out her frusteration at her own mistakes on me, and I had had enough. I stood my ground with her and didn’t let her walk all over me, but I went home that night, bawled for about two hours because being yelled at is a trigger for me, and she had been all in my personal space like she was going to hit me, and then I emailed my general manager the next day and told her she could replace me for my last two shifts and I wouldn’t be coming in for them. 

I haven’t stepped foot in that goddamned store since I left that night. 

I have a different job now. I work as an overnight personal care assistant at a nursing home, but it’s a higher end one, and it’s not bad. It can be stressful and super draining at times, but enviornmentally its a better job than the retail one ever was, so it’s good. 

My mental health has been a wild ride as well. I won’t get into the full details here, but let just say that uh. I’m 99% sure that I’m both ADHD and autistic, and I’m thinking I have some form of ptsd as well from years of trauma shit. I’m not suicidal anymore, but I have bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes anger that last for days to weeks at a time. It’s...rough, to say the least. And dysphoria doesn’t help any of that. 

But I’m alive and fighting, and that’s the important part. 

Not everything this year has been bad tho. There’s been a fair amount of good too, and I’m greatful for it. 

December 23rd I celebrated my first year aniversary with @curious-corvids, and i couldn’t be happier about that. He’s been there thru this Entire ride, and he’s been such a positive force in my life, and I hope to keep him around for years to come. 

Similarly, March 18th this year will be my one year aniversary with @sinclair-solutions, and that I’m immensely happy about as well. They’re such a wonderful person and just. i’m very lucky to have them, I really am. they’ve also been here thru everything, and I could never thank then enough for that. 

I made some friends in the past few months that I can’t imagine what my days would be like without them in it. Kathy, Jay, Fi, and Evan are such great people, and I’m lucky to have them around. 

I got the chance to meet Ren, Lu and Erin in person for the first time at DragonCon, and went to both my first comic convention and my first out of state trip alone with them, and it was honestly the best five days of my life. I can’t wait to do that again with them this year. 

I’ve been steadily improving at art this year and took commissions for the first time, and that’s been a very fun thing to do. 

I’m actually able to like. Afford to buy things for myself and spend my money without interferance, and thats such a change from how my parents used to control my finances. 

Overall 2018 was just..a wild ride. 

2019 is sure to bring better things. With luck this month, I should be starting the process of legally changing my name, and that will be a very freeing thing to do. 

I turn 20 on January 26th, and just. 

I didn’t think I’d actually make it to 20. That’s a personal milestone for me, to have made it this far. 

Whatever this new year brings tho, here’s to hoping it goes better than 2018. 

Here’s to hoping I’m better this year than I was last year. 

[ka-zu-li]

today i’m slowing down, taking a step back.

after a bad meeting with my thesis advisor yesterday, having a little meltdown and my brain deciding to dramatize on me. 

I woke up with the normal symptoms of stress: general uneasiness, unjustified guilt, decided to go easy on me until a few moments later being confronted again with the effects of this life’s crazy pace by my mother telling me how this period has been very mentally demanding and how she feels overwhelmed to the point of it representing a threat to her health. So instantly I played down my legitimacy for desperation, thinking about how priviledged I am to have this opportunity to focus one and only on my thesis.

still there’s so much on my mind and the only bright side of it is that it makes me feel so alive.

[loverapture-blog1]

obviously.

I BECAME DEPRESSED WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD WAITING FOR THIS ONE GIRL TO LOVE ME BACK FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AND WHILE MY PARENTS AND TEACHERS AND PEERS PRESSURED ME TO IMPROVE MY GRADES SO I COULD GET INTO A STUPID CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I REALLY FUCKING HATE NOW BUT OH WELL. I HARMED MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN I WAS 14 AND I REALLY WANTED TO DIE AND I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF MY FRIEND HADN'T FOUND OUT AND TALKED ME OUT OF IT. WE'RE NOT REALLY CLOSE ANYMORE. WE DISAGREE ON A LOT OF THINGS. MY MOM TOLD ME LOTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT BEING A DISGRACE AND A MISTAKE AND UNLOVABLE AND THAT REALLY HURT MY HEART. MY MOM HASN'T BEEN THE SAME EVER SINCE. SOMETHING REALLY CHANGED INSIDE OF HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH. FRESHMAN YEAR WAS SO WEIRD CAUSE PEOPLE LIKED ME AND IT WAS PRETTY COOL I HAD A COUPLE GIRLFRIENDS IT WAS ALRIGHT BUT THEN I GOT REALLY REALLY SAD CAUSE THE SECOND GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE JUST WANTED TO USE SOMEONE AND I MEANT NOTHING TO HER AND I WAS JUST AN EASY TARGET BECAUSE I'M YOUNGER THAN HER BUT I MEAN WHATEVER RIGHT? ALSO MY PARENTS SEPARATED. MY DAD WENT TO SOME CLAUSTROPHOBIC APARTMENT THAT FELT LIKE THE THROAT OF AN ANACONDA. I STILL REMEMBER THE SMELL OF IT. THE SIGHT OF NOTHING IN THE PANTRY BUT SOME OLD GATORADE AND TORTILLAS. WORST 9 1/2 MONTHS OF MY LIFE. I HATED IT. I WANTED TO MAKE MY DAD HAPPY AND HANG OUT WITH HIM AND STUFF BUT I WAS SO FUCKING DEPRESSED OH MY GOODNESS I WANTED TO SCREAM ALL THE TIME BUT IT FELT LIKE MY THROAT WAS FILLED WITH COTTON. I DID NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM ON MY LAPTOP. AND MY DAD NEVER COMPLAINED. HE WAS FINE WITH IT. AS LONG AS I WAS IN HIS HOME. MY HEART HURT SO FUCKING HORRIBLY BAD. IT STILL DOES. THE GUILT. I SAW HIM CRY. MANY TIMES. IT HURTS SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. I WAS ALL HE REALLY WANTED THEN AND THERE AND I DECIDED TO DO NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM. ALL I DID IN THAT ROOM WAS EAT PIZZA, DRINK ARIZONAS, PLAY VIDEOGAMES, JACK OFF, AND CRY, CRY A LOT. THEN AT LIKE ELEVEN AT NIGHT HE WOULD TELL ME "HE'S GONNA HANG OUT WITH HIS OLD DOCTOR FRIEND AT STARBUCKS" YEAH OKAY DAD SURE. I KNEW MY DAD HAD BEEN CHEATING ON MY MOM. I GUESS HE THOUGHT HE COULD JUST LEAVE MY MOM AND THEN GO OFF TO SOME OTHER LADY. BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. THEN MY BEST FRIEND BECAME MY GIRLFRIEND. THEN MY PARENTS GOT BACK TOGETHER. MY GRADES WERE ALRIGHT. I WAS GOING TO THE GYM REGULARLY. EVERYTHING SEEMED OKAY. BUT THEN MY GIRLFRIEND AND I KEPT ARGUING AND SHE KEPT LYING AND I KEPT FALLING FOR IT AND FALLING FOR IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I JUST KINDA WENT ALONG WITH IT. I CRIED A LOT. SHE MADE EVERYTHING WORSE. I STARTED DOING BAD IN MY CLASSES. EVENTUALLY I BROKE UP WITH HER CAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE THEN WENT AND TOLD A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT I CHEATED ON HER WITH SOME GIRL FROM TEXAS. THE GIRL IS REAL. THE STORY ISN'T. EVENTUALLY I DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL. I BECAME HER MANAGER CAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE A SINGER. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I COULD CONFIDENTLY SAY I WAS IN LOVE. SHE WAS A DREAM. PERFECT. SHE SANG ME SONGS AND WROTE ME POEMS. I WAS SO CRAZY ABOUT HER. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE WAS GONNA VISIT ME DURING SUMMER. THEN I FOUND OUT SHE WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE. THEN SHE KEPT FUCKING WITH MY FEELINGS. I BECAME FRIENDS WITH THE GIRL FROM FRESHMAN YEAR WHO USED ME. I TOLD HER I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND SHE IGNORED ME BECAUSE "SHE GOT BORED". THEN I LEFT THE GIRL I WAS IN LOVE WITH BECAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE CONTINUED TO TRY AND TALK TO ME. THEN SHE STARTED SOME FAKE RUMORS ABOUT ME BEING SEXIST AND RACIST. THEN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HATED ME. SHE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON. I HOPE SHE IS OK. SHE'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT. THE SONGS OF THAT TIME KEEP REPLAYING IN MY HEAD, EATING AWAY AT THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL LIKE WAVES ERODING A MOUNTAIN. MY CHEST FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA EXPLODE AND YELLOW PAINT IS GONNA SPLASH EVERYWHERE. THE COLOR YELLOW REMINDS ME OF HER. SKATING REMINDS ME OF HER. PLAYING INSTRUMENTS. WRITING. FLOWERS. MUSIC. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HER. I TRIED TO MOVE ON. I STILL HAVEN'T COMPLETELY GOTTEN OVER IT. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL. SHE WAS SO CUTE. SHE WAS WONDERFUL IT FELT SO NICE. SHE LIVED IN SACRAMENTO AND WAS SUPPOSED TO COME DOWN AND VISIT ME SOON. THEN I WENT TO EUROPE FOR THREE WEEKS. DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF BEING IN EUROPE THIS NEW GIRL GOT A BOYFRIEND. MY HEART HURT. I MET A REALLY COOL GIRL IN EUROPE. SHE WAS FROM LOS ANGELES AND WE CLICKED. WE WOULD TRY TO GET ALCOHOL EVERY  NIGHT AND GET SHITFACED. IT WAS SO FUN. ONE TIME IN SWITZERLAND I GOT REALLY DRUNK AND THREW UP AND CHIPPED MY TOOTH TRYING TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE AND MR. BRUNNER SAW ME DRUNK BUT DIDN'T CARE. I LIKED HER AT FIRST BUT THEN WE JUST BECAME FRIENDS. THEN I TOLD HER ABOUT MY MENTAL ILLNESSES. I OPENED UP ABOUT ALL MY DEMONS. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER TALKED TO HER. SHE LEFT ME AND TOLD ME I'M TOO MUCH OF A RESPONSIBILITY. SHE SAID I'M "TROUBLED". THAT REALLY FUCKING HURT. THAT SAME NIGHT I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL FROM A GERMAN SCHOOL BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY AFRICAN GIRL THERE. WE SPENT ALL NIGHT HOLDING HANDS AND RUNNING AROUND. IT WAS SO SWEET AND DREAMLIKE. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL TOWARDS THE END OF THE TRIP. WE HUNG OUT TOGETHER ALL THE TIME. SHE HAD JUST GRADUATED FROM THE SHITTY CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I GO TO RIGHT NOW. SHE THOUGHT I WAS SO COOL. I THOUGHT SHE WAS SO CUTE. WE GOT DRUNK ON THE BEACH OF ATHENS AND STEPPED ON SEA URCHINS. SHE ADMITTED SHE LIKED ME. SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT MORNING THOUGH. THEN WE WENT ON A CRUISE IN THE GREEK ISLANDS. WE NAPPED TOGETHER A LOT. WE CUDDLED. WE GOT MANICURES TOGETHER AND GOT MATCHING NAIL POLISH. I WAS SO HAPPY. SHE DREW IN MY JOURNAL. ON THE LAST DAY, WE BOUGHT SOME CHEAP WINE AND WAITED UNTIL NIGHT. WE GOT SUPER DRUNK AND THEN WE GOT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. "DON'T KISS ME UNTIL WE'RE SOBER" SHE SAID. I OBLIGED. SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW HER OWN RULES THOUGH. SHE KISSED ME. I KISSED HER BACK. I WAS HER FIRST KISS. WE MADE OUT. WE DID SOME OTHER STUFF. I TOOK HER TO HER ROOM. I SLEPT SMELLING HER SHIRT ALL NIGHT. I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW TYPING THIS. THEN WE SPENT THE WHOLE NEXT DAY TRAVELING BACK. SHIP. BUS. PLANE. THE FIRST PLANE RIDE WAS BEAUTIFUL. WE SAT TOGETHER AND KISSED AND CUDDLED. IT WAS TEN HOURS BUT FELT LIKE ONE. THE NEXT  PLANE WAS SHIT. MY STOMACH HURT AND I DIDN'T SIT WITH HER. THEN MY PARENTS PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT. I SAID GOODBYE TO HER. THEN AT HOME MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND TOLD ME IM A DISGRACE FOR PAINTING MY NAILS AND THAT I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BUT THE BARE MINIMUM AND THAT THEY ARE ASHAMED OF ME AND THAT IT INFURIATES THEM THAT I CAN'T JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I STAYED DATING THAT GIRL. WE HUNG OUT A COUPLE TIMES. SHE EVENTUALLY BECAME VERY MANIPULATIVE AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. I LEFT HER. THEN I WAS SINGLE FOR A BIT. THEN OF COURSE I STARTED DATING SOMEONE ELSE. MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND. I LOVE HER! SHE ISN'T ABUSIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! SHE'S GREAT. SHE IS PERFECT SO FAR. BUT SHE HAS HER OWN TROUBLES AND I FEEL BAD CAUSE I CAN'T HELP HER. REWIND TO A FEW WEEKS AFTER I GOT BACK FROM THE EUROPE TRIP. JUNIOR YEAR STARTED. I WAS FAIRLY CONFIDENT. THEN EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL. REALLY FAST. I STARTED FAILING. I BECAME MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED. I HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. I TOLD MY PARENTS I'M DEPRESSED. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM AGAIN. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM ONE MORE TIME. THE DIDN'T CARE AT ENOUGH. I STARTED SMOKING WEED. A LOT OF IT. CONSTANTLY. I LOVED IT. WEED IS GREAT, BUT IT BECAME A DEPENDENCY. THEN ONE DAY I HAD A BREAKDOWN AT SCHOOL AND I WENT TO MY TEACHER BECAUSE I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF I DIDN'T. SHE TOLD ME SOME KIND WORDS THEN CALLED MY MOM. MY MOM CAME. WE WENT TO AN OFFICE AND DISCUSSED SOME STUFF ABOUT SCHOOL AND DEPRESSION WITH THIS ONE GUY AND THIS ONE REALLY NICE BUT ANNOYING WHITE LADY. MY DAD CAME. I FELT BETTER. I WENT HOME. THEN MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND WE GOT IN A HUGE UGLY ARGUMENT. THEY GOT MAD AT ME FOR SEEKING HELP.

"THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AT SCHOOL! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR."

"BUT DAD, IT'S NOT EASY TELLING YOUR PARENTS THAT YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF."

"YOU EMBARASSED US, YOU HURT OUR FEELINGS."

"DAD I WANNA DIE PLEASE I NEED HELP."

"FUCK YOU! YOU'RE SELFISH AND YOU DON'T LOVE US!"

THE WHITE LADY TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I NEED A PAPER FROM A PSYCHOLOGIST SAYING THAT I WON'T HURT MYSELF OR OTHERS TO BE ABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL AGAIN. THEN THE NEXT DAY MY PARENTS DID A RANDOM DRUG TEST ON ME. THEN THAT NIGHT THEY CONFRONTED ME ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY SAW THAT I HAD BEEN CONSUMING WEED. THEY ARE OLD AND UNEDUCATED ON IT SO THEY THINK IT'S LIKE METH. THAT MADE THE WHOLE THING VERY DIFFICULT. THEN I BROKE DOWN AGAIN. I STARTED TELLING THEM HOW BAD I WANTED TO DIE. THEN MY DAD HELD ME AND TOLD ME HE LOVED ME. A VOICE IN MY HEAD TOLD ME NOT TO BELIEVE HIM. I COMPLIED. THE NEXT DAY MY SISTERS CAME TO THE HOUSE. THEY ALL TALKED TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL IF I WASN'T READY. THEY KEPT DEMONIZING MEDICATION TO SCARE ME BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME THE MEDICATION I SO DESPERATELY HAVE BEEN NEEDING FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS. THEY KEPT ME PRISONER AT HOME. THEY FORCED ME TO JOIN A BOXING CLUB. THEY TOOK AWAY MY PRIVILEDGES. THEN THE SCHOOL CALLED AND SAID I HAD TO GO BACK. I GOT A NOTE. THEY DECLINED IT. I GOT ANOTHER NOTE. THEY DECLINED THAT ONE TOO. THEN I GOT ANOTHER ONE AND I'M BACK IN SCHOOL. I HATE IT. I'M SWITCHING SCHOOLS NEXT SEMESTER. BUT I NEED TO TRY AND RAISE MY GRADES FOR NOW. I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. BUT I AM SAD. VERY SAD. STILL DEPRESSED (OBVIOUSLY).