#it is 4am i am Alive at Last

[xbadnews]

MINI CHARACTER PLAYLIST

SHARE AT LEAST FIVE SONGS THAT REMIND YOU OF YOUR MUSE, OR THAT YOU ASSOCIATE WITH YOUR MUSE’S CHARACTER ARC. Including lyrics is optional.

i can hold a grudge like nobody's business - adam jensen

Living just to say goodbye Save me from my selfish pride Can you see the words written on my face?

okay so something i talk about quite a bit is that percy tends to live day to day. it's something he works on with time but it's not a linear process; he's someone who perceives himself as dead before the story started. he lives with the intent of dying, quickly, but not before these impossible string of events he thinks somehow, through his price, he & his friends can achieve. [ killing the briarwoods, r i p l e y , taking on the chroma conclave, stopping vecna ]

but while he feels he's destined for death [ or already dead ] he's b e g g i n g to be seen. i think it was @deathwalkerr that pointed out to me how badly percy wants to be feared, how badly he wants his innate danger to be acknowledged. his pride drives him to be impulsive, which mixes super dangerously with this inability to think about the future.

You got me actin' like the old me But you don't even know me

i like these lines mixed with the sentiment of him holding grudges because there is this bittersweet feeling that comes w him getting close w vox machina. they become the closest thing he has to family, they're the people he feels closest to alive with. but he feels unknown for a long, long time.

so while he starts to engage in more positive/fun things there's still this sentiment of ' you don't know who i was, you only know what i show you ' which kind of hangs over his head for a long time before he can trust himself entirely with vm. this being said, i definitely think keyleth is the first person to draw him out of this mentality. she's the first one to bring his walls down & see percy's fluctuating definition of ' self ' .

Can I get a witness? 'Cause I can hold a grudge like nobody's business Seein' double vision Show me what you got and I'll show what you're missing

this is the chorus!!! a huge part of why it's here. again, playing off of that desire to be seen as dangerous. to be seen as unpredictable. to be handled with the caution he does not have. yes! got a lot of positive traits. he tries to be good but good is not the priority. he's also petty, angry & often unafraid when he should be.

it's also sort of a sentiment of ' well you aren't seeing it so i'll Show You ' but that's a whole nother conversation.

2. arsonist's lullaby - hozier

so first of all before i get into specifics, i have to clarify that this is one of my favorite songs for percy. one of the themes of this blog i like to dig into is utilizing your demons, using the worst parts of yourself to do what you think is necessary.

When I was a child I heard voices Some would sing and Some would scream You soon find you have few choices I learned the voices died with me

this is a sentiment i love. sort of plays off of when percy met the raven queen & asked if he was always broken & she answered yes. there's always been a darkness within him, an urge that couldn't quite be satisfied. i have this headcanon that as a kid, percy was a secret thrill seeker. he'd climb whitestone walls & frame his siblings for pranks & get up to all sorts of trouble.

he rarely got caught because no one was ever looking at him, he's the backup of a backup & what he's doing was always secondary to whatever his older siblings were doing. so there's always been this wildness within him that's manifested in different ways, that he's used in different ways. as a kid, it was just to get a thrill. as an adult it's a stronger beast entirely, but it is the beast the forged his survival.

All you have is your fire And the place you need to reach Don't you ever Tame your demon But always keep 'em on a leash

this plays on that thought of ' that beast forged his survival '. it's like, even in his most desperate times he still had that wild will to live. that rabid, instinctual fire to live. has it burned through his life like a storm? yes!!! in so many places ashes is all that's left. but you can do so much with ash. you can make ink, bricks, compost.

it's this sentiment again of utilizing that fire within him regardless of the consequences because that fire is how he's survived. it's costed so much, but it's always been apart of him. it will never not be. it's just a matter of learning how to manage it in a way that he can still live a life. that he can build whatever fluctuating definition of the future he's trying to work towards, whether or not he's able to view himself as a part of that future.

When I was a man I thought it ended When I knew loves perfect ache But my peace has always depended On all the ashes in my way

again, it's that idea of ' you can do so much with ash ' & as he grows up, he does. he absolutely does. he doesn't put out his fire, but he learns how to manage it. it's like this shift between ' what it's done to him ' to ' what he can do with it'. he learns to love longterm, he cares longterm with time. it's not a linear journey by any means, but it's one he takes. but he still uses his fire to protect his home, his friends, his family. he keeps growing, but never forgets what exists within him. what he can use to make sure he never loses it again.

3. hi ren - ren

so i'm going to clarify before digging into this that i have a lot to say on this song. it is a song based in mental illness but i also have it on percy's playlist because it definitely feels like how i imagine percy's relationship w/ orthax is. but i also love it as a back & forth because one of the things i preach is that percy's healing journey is not linear. some days are harder than others & i feel like this song nails the battle within self.

And I've been making some progress lately And I've learnt some new coping skills So I haven't really needed you much, man I think we need to just step back and chill

there are a few chunks of this song talking about doing a little better, looking at the present in a different light than his usual perception. it's this idea of 'getting better' & trying to leave old habits, old pieces of yourself in the past. which as talked about previously, does not work for percy. he defines survival by the worst, most ferocious pieces of himself & orthax is one of those things.

And when I'm gone, maybe I'll be remembered For doing something special with myself That's why I don't think that we should talk, man 'Cause when you're with me, it never seems to help

again that feeling of ' i am doing better, i will do better ' which is part of like percy;s endgame. he wants to be remembered beyond the weapons he put into this world, he wants to be better than he was previously & thinks that he can be. knows that he can be, eventually. but there is this scar of orthax left in percy's mind that leads to moments like the next lyrics.

You think that you can amputate me? I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we We are one, split in two that makes one, so you see You got to kill you if you wanna kill me I'm not left over dinner, I'm not scraps on the side Oh, your music is thriving? Delusional guy

i like these lyrics because it makes me think not only of orthax targeting ripley as a conduit to get back at percy, but also like the thoughts left from getting rid of orthax. it's like this thought of even if he's gone, it doesn't change the darkness within percy. it doesn't change his capacity for violence. it's this feeling of ' i will never be free from this part of myself & it will always remind me '

Fuck you, I don't need you, I don't need to hear this 'Cause I'm fine by myself, I'ma genius And I will be great, and I will make waves And I'll shake up the whole world beneath us

but percy snaps back. he cultivates this faith in people via vox machina, which leads to faith in self that again is not a linear progression but it's one he treasures. he knows this nastiness is apart of him but it doesn't stop him from wanting to be better, from trying to be better. he has changed the world & wants to continue to do so despite this internal pull away from self-help.

When standing in-front of my solar eclipse My name it is stitched to your lips, so, you see

this is another bit talking about orthax/percy's darkness as being a part of him, regardless of the growth he goes through. it will always exist within him, whether or not he wants it there.

As I got older, I realised that there were no real winners And there were no real losers in physiological warfare But there were victims and there were students

this line specifically i feel like alludes to one of my headcanons abt him absorbing bits of the people around him, absorbing bits of ripley specifically when he was in captivity. just that thought of ' there are victims & there are students ' like percy learned how to survive via his suffering rather than allowing it to kill him.

It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled So I got older and I learned to relax And I learned to soften and that dance got easier It is this eternal dance that separates human beings From angels, from demons, from gods And I must not forget, we must not forget That we are human beings

this is just here because these lyrics shape how i view percy's state of mind. ' the more i cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more i struggle'. it plays off of the sentiment of the last song, that this darkness, that orthax will always be a part of him. what he's done will always be apart of him. his mental illness will always be apart of him. but it does not define him. it's not all he is. he has fucked up, he will continue to do so, but he will keep going. it really lends to the shift between ' i will die, i am dead ' to ' i want to live, life is too full to miss '

4. this too shall pass - danny schmidt

My friend makes rings She swirls and sings She's a mystic in the sense That she's still mystified by things But scared to ask How can nothing seem to last

these lyrics specifically make me think of how percy views keyleth. their relationship is one of my favorites & i think these lyrics really hit the nail on the head for his view of her. specifically ' She's a mystic in the sense that she's still mystified by things ' because he see's her learning journey firsthand & plays a part in it. but there is this anger within her that burns things up, just like the fire within him.

i also love this song in terms of he & keyleth's relationship because of the sentiments surrounding how temperamental life is. like it passes, quickly. percy's life will be the blink of an eye to keyleth, there will be a day when she forgets his voice, the wrinkles on his forehead, passing details that won't matter in a couple hundred years. does he think she will forget him? sometimes. but he knows in his heart she wont. but that doesn't make life any longer, existence any more permanent.

also i like these lyrics because it sort of sells this idea of the peace they work towards relentlessly being a temporary solution. their work together will one day be undone & all they can do is hope it will last the span of their lives.

So I pray to hands And I pray to needs And I pray to blades of grass To find forgiveness in the weeds

percy is faithless, he doesn't hold much trust in the gods. but he has faith in the people he loves. he believes in his family. so though he doesn't practice religion, love is the closest thing he's got. which is a hard pill to swallow for him when his instinct is anything but love, when the instinct that has driven him to survive for so long. but because of him practicing love ( to the best of his ability ) he tries to practice forgiveness. it's hard, relentlessly so, but he makes that active effort to work towards it. there will always be someone wretched, but he was wretched once too. does that mean he has to trust them??? absolutely not! but that doesn't mean he's going to condemn them either.

I just never did believe And so I never prayed myself Except to those that prayed for me

this plays off of that last idea, that the closest thing to religion he has is love. that the closest thing he has to faith is in people.

5. up the wolves - the mountain goats

There's bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet No matter where you live There'll all ways be a few things, maybe several things That you're gonna find really difficult to forgive

here's that theme of forgiveness/healing not being a linear journey. percy forgives the people who hurt him in theory. it's a means to move past what they did to him, to become more than what happened to him. but that doesn't mean it's an easy process. he decides to forgive ripley right before she kills him & there is a lot of emotional debris from this

also bonus song: i'm not angry anymore plays on this theme. [i'm not angry anymore, well sometimes i am.] it's like this feeling of wanting to be better, wanting to forgive but it's a whole process when that ability for danger & to take a grudge has defined so much of what he's accomplished up until this point. it defines a part of him that he begs to be feared, that he uses as a weapon in survival. but survival doesn't have to be a fight & in order to accept that, he has to let go of a few things. of alot of things. which is not easy, it's one of the hardest things he's ever done. including taking down a literal god. but man, is it worth it.

There's gonna come a day when you'll feel better You'll rise up free and easy on that day And float from branch to branch, lighter than the air Just when that day is coming, who can say? Who can say?

again, it's this feeling of forgiveness not being a linear journey. one day he will feel better, one day things will be better & eventually he is able to see that. but it's not an immediate effect. saying you forgive someone & actually forgiving them are two separate things & it takes a long time to do, but it's something that is eternally worth doing.

he accepts the parts of himself forged by the people who's hurt him, by the people he's hurt. he accepts that they will always be apart of him, but stops holding it against them if that makes sense??? it's a huge weight off of his shoulders, but it's not immediate. it takes time, but one day he does feel better. one day he gets to be better.

tagged by: @mindhallow [ thank you this is my favorite thing to do ] tagging: @delightfalse, @deathwalkerr, @spellwound, @countercharmd , @xavthew0rld , @whalefelled, @heartheaded, @lunarfey, @luxcruor, @chosenpower, @vchloras, @firefurious

[takitafulily]

Misadventures of the MCs #10

Working the Night Shift: Night 1 - 5

Disclaimer: No Mcs were harmed during their night shift :>

(In honour of the FNAF movie release)

(1st Night)

LTD!MC: Woo! I got the easy night! Probably a good thing too-

LTD!MC: I can chill until 2am and then just keep an eye out for Bonnie, Chica moves at 3... oh shit what does Foxy do again?-

LTD!MC: ...Guess I gotta keep an eye on Pirate's Cove

(2am)

LTD!MC: *checks camera* Aaaand Bonnie just left the stage, let's just pray he's not right outside my door...

LTD!MC: Ok good, he's in the dining area, I'm fine... let's keep it that way...

(3am)

LTD!MC: Haven't died yet, Chica just left, time to multi-task...

(4am)

*Both Bonnie and Chica are at the door*

LTD!MC: Nonononono goawaygoawaygoaway come on please be nice...

(5am)

LTD!MC: Phew, ok I'm alive, one more hour to go, Foxy's behaving, Bonnie and Chica please be nice...

Golden Freddy: *appears*

LTD!MC: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?????

LTD!MC - Failed

(2nd Night)

MM!MC: ...I feel like I should be offended they gave me the second night but honestly maybe they're right-

MM!MC: Let's see... Golden Freddy already got LTD!MC, so it's unlikely he's going to come after me... Bonnie and Chica... keep checking Pirate's Cove and... I'm all set!

MM!MC: *checking cameras* Ok Chica's gone... where is she... wait FUCK BONNIE'S GONE TOO OK SHIT

MM!MC: Chica's chilling in the kitchen judging by the jiggle... and Bonnie's down the hall...

(1am)

*Bonnie's by the closed left door*

MM!MC: HA TAKE THAT-

*Sees Chica by the right door at the last second*

MM!MC: OH DARN IT YOU PIZZA CHICKEN!

MM!MC - Failed

(3rd Night)

WHB!MC: I had to actually fight OB!MC for the third night. Everyone left the first night for LTD!MC cus no offence they're kind of a wimp. MM!MC got the second night cus they can't throw a kick to save their life. No way am I taking the fifth night cus that's just asking to die, and why would I make my life harder by taking the fourth night?

WHB!MC: As long as I keep flicking to Freddy and check on Foxy every hour, I'll be fine.

WHB!MC: ...Chica is gone. Let's get this show on the road. Freddy, lights, Freddy, lights, Freddy, lights, Freddy, lights...

(1am)

WHB!MC: Hourly Foxy... nothing, fucked up my rhythm but Freddy is only in the Dining Hall so I'm still fine, Chica's is being a cute little stalker and won't leave my fucking door but my power should be fine.

(2am)

WHB!MC: Bonnie's gone, hourly Foxy... still nothing, Freddy, lights, Freddy, lights, Freddy, lights, Freddy, lights- oh hello Chica! *shuts right door*

(4am)

WHB!MC: I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive~ wait- where did Foxy go?

WHB!MC: ...shit shit shit shit shit shit

*goes to shut the left door but Foxy manages to barge in*

WHB!MC: Well hello there-

WHB!MC - Failed

(4th Night)

OB!MC: Everyone's failed so far, I don't have high hopes myself but let's give a go I guess.

OB!MC: RIP Phone Guy, may you rest in pieces.

OB!MC: Huh? Oh I'm the only one who's bothered to listen to him, poor guy.

OB!MC: Hm, you know what? Since I'm gonna die anyways let's have some fun.

OB!MC: I'm not gonna check the cameras, I'm just going relax and listen

(1am)

OB!MC: I've come to realise these- *shuts door on Foxy* metal punks are extremely- *shuts door on Freddy* ...fucking loud.

(3am)

OB!MC: Huh. I'm still kicking ass. Pat on the back for me I guess.

(4am)

*Foxy is banging the left door and Chica is outside the right door*

OB!MC: I'm getting kinda bored actually, what can I do to kill time...

(5am)

*both doors are open, absolute silence*

OB!MC: Ah~ Ah~ Ah~ Ah~ stayin' alive~ stayin' aLIVE-

*shuts door on Bonnie*

OB!MC: ... that was close.

OB!MC - Survived!

(5th Night)

TWST!Yuu: The others think I'm gonna die since I have the hardest night. Fuck them, we ball.

TWST!Yuu: Woo ok! LET'S GO! HOURLY FOXY, FREDDY, LIGHTS, FREDDY, LIGHTS, FREDDY, LIGHTS, FREDDY, LIGHTS-

(1am)

TWST!Yuu: FREDDY, LIGHTS, FREDDY, LIGHTS, FREDDY, LIGHTS, FREDDY, LIGHTS- FUCK YOU BONNIE *shuts door*

(2am)

TWST!Yuu: FREDDY, LIGHTS, FREDDY, LIGHTS- ok my throat's getting sore let's stop yelling for now

(4am)

TWST!Yuu: Two more hours! ...aaaaand why am I on 20% ...I haven't even used that much power!

(5am)

TWST!Yuu: Shit, 1%... *anxious leg bounce*

TWST!Yuu: Oop- Hello Bonnie... and Chica... pleaseletmemakeitpleaseletmemakeit

*6am Jingle*

TWST!Yuu: FUCK YES LESSGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TWST!Yuu - Survived!

[g4yr4t]

yesterday, annie and I had to make the difficult decision to put my dearly beloved childhood cat, annabell, to sleep. annabell was with me for eighteen years - since I was thirteen years old. I have so much to say about her that I'm going to put it under a cut for the sake of everyone's dashboards.

my aunt found annabell in a park when I was thirteen. or, more accurately, annabell found her. she walked right up to my aunt (and her german shepherd) and wanted to be taken home, so that's what my aunt (who had several cats and two dogs) did. my mom decided that it would actually be okay for me to have a cat after all, and she was with me for eighteen years after that. the only time we didn't live together was when I was in college and couldn't take her with me to the dorms/apartments.

she was kind of a bitch in the early days, to be honest. or at least, very strong-willed and sassy and not super cuddly. but when I was fourteen and my nana was in the hospital dying and I was crying all the time, she was sweet and snuggly to me. she was good to me when it mattered.

I thought for sure that I had lost her at least three times over the years. once, she got stuck in an attic crawlspace in my mom's house on christmas eve. I was understandably distraught, because we couldn't get her out. but then, on christmas day, she woke my mom up by yelling at her for food, having somehow figured out how to free herself.

she got also got trapped in a wall in my first apartment, and then went missing for twenty-four hours after having wandered out of my house when someone was moving in around 2020 or 2021. that was absolutely awful. she had already gone deaf by then, so even though my neighbors were super sweet and searched and called for her, I knew it was unlikely that she would turn up. then, the next day, my roommate and I were sitting in the living room and we heard this pitiful meowing. she had found her way back to our front porch and was sitting by the window outside. it had stormed the night before, and she was wet and matted and hungry but still very alive. after that, we got her a collar with a bell on it and a tag with her name and annie's phone number.

she mellowed out after she lost her hearing and became much more social, planting herself in the middle of parties and gatherings to take up space while sleeping. she got up into my lap sometimes, and while she wasn't exactly cuddly, she would sit there until I absolutely had to move her. she wouldn't take a hint or move when I changed positions - I had to physically remove her from my body.

she loved to go outside, even though she had been an indoor cat since my aunt found her in that park. we were planning on harness training her, but her joints became stiff and it got harder for her to walk and we had to move out of the house with the good backyard. she came with my to five different houses and apartments, with more and more moving in her later years. I am deeply sad that she will not be coming with me to my next apartment, or to wherever I eventually "settle down" (which will hopefully happen someday soon).

but she was sick, and had been for a long time. even though she was eighteen and had arthritis and respiratory problems that included a very upsetting cough, her sudden decline was surprising. within the past week, she lost her ability to jump, stopped eating independently (we fed her by hand), and completely lost control of her bladder. I picked her up and put her on the couch to sleep the last couple of nights so that she could be next to me. she couldn't come up on my bed to smack me in the face for food at 4am anymore (I would hear the jingling of her collar, then she would hit me in the face... jingle, smack. heavy breathing. smack.).

she was such a huge part of my life, and it even though she was doing very badly as of yesterday, I still had hope that we could give her meds and take her home so that she could pass here instead of at the vet's office. but that isn't how it happened. I hate that that isn't how it happened. we buried her in my mom's backyard because she loved to be outside and we don't have a backyard with real dirt right now and we'll be moving soon anyway. even though I know it isn't the case, I still feel like I let her down. leaving my mom's house still felt like abandoning her. I already miss her so, so much, and it's going to be very weird to live without her.

annabell, I loved you dearly. I still love you dearly. there is a hole in my heart where you were. you were a cat, but also a friend and a companion and the longest lasting relationship in my life outside of my (human) family members. we watched each other grow up for eighteen years. I will never stop grieving, even when I stop crying for you all the time, because that's how love works. I miss you, my old lady. goodnight.

[didnt-hear-idsb-live-again]

How do I even put this. Where do I even start. I tried to write a song but I don’t know what to even say because I don’t know if words can even touch what this feels like.

I have not set foot in one place that I was in the summer of 2022.

That was the summer of my first bus tour. My first big tour. The tour of my dreams. The kind of tour I’ve fantasized about being on since I was 15. The kind of tour that made me want to do this as a career. The whole tour package was a family in a way it has never been before or since. The opening bands took me out for ice cream some mornings. We all explored new cities together. We stayed out drinking until 4am. I had long talks with a random new person every day. I was creating the best work of my life. I was surrounded by 20 people or more at all times. I was making more than people my age with salaried jobs in finance.

On July 5, 2022, a part of me died. A part of me was ruined. A part of me was torn apart by a thousand hyenas while I was fed something to keep me alive, to force me to sit and watch in horror. A hand covered my mouth as I tried to scream. Nothing was ever the same. People talk of a light in my eyes that was present before it. Which hasn’t returned. And won’t. No matter how much time moves. Nothing will undo it and nothing will ever set it back. No innonence will return. My heart was cut open and a weight was put inside and I was stitched back together weighted but empty, and broken in a way where there will always be cracks.

On June 25, 2022, ten days before, I was in the room I’m in right now. I don’t remember anything about it because it was blocked out by the horror that came after, and yet being here now I’m remembering everything. DoorDash fucked up my order. There was a rave in the downstairs part of the venue. We could participate from the balcony. We spent a lot of time out there. The room was sweaty. The night was sweaty. It felt free like the summer that was laid out before me, seemingly endless. The show was good. I SEE it. I see it unfolding before my eyes as I stand here like a movie I’m watching. My memories are never that vivid.

It was 10 days before the day that would kill me off and I didn’t even know.

I checked out of that tour after it happened. It was hard to try. It was hard to think. It was hard to focus. I was there but I was a ghost. My mind was somewhere else. All I remember about the whole thing is The Empty. It got worse as the days passed. The people around me cared but they were afraid for me. Because they knew it could get worse. They knew the tour was the only thing holding me together. They told me I needed to hold it together because if it was too obvious something happened and too many people asked too many questions, the wrong people would find out WHAT happened. And I’d have to be gone for optics.

They were right to say that because it’s the cruel way the world works. But it understandably made it harder to focus. I was there and I watched the days roll by, but half of me was a ghost. I cried every singular moment no one was looking. I had many shoulders to cry on but strangers could only be that so many times. They told me, “Holly, don’t fuck up this opportunity for yourself. Don’t you dare do it”. I still hear their voices ringing in my head when they said it. I heard it in my head all summer. And I knew they were right, so I didn’t fuck up the career part of it.

But so it goes, it was the best summer of my life and I don’t remember any of it because a tsunami washed over it and dragged it and pummeled it and washed it away until there was nothing left. I don’t feel that many ways about what happened anymore, if I don’t have to think about it. But what I do feel, is the fact that I lost that summer to sea.

And now here I am in this room that saw me back when everything was fine; 10 days before Vesuvius exploded, unaware that anything happened at all. Washing the memories back over me of the last 10 days I’ll ever be able to have felt lightness about me. The last 10 days I didn’t have something I had to lock away. The last 10 days I felt capable of people knowing everything about me and that fact feeling safe. Feeling like aspects of me could be relatable to anyone, before knowing that my greatest heartache I’ll ever feel in this life was so unique, so strange, a depth and genre of pain no one around me could EVER feel, or begin to even imagine. A level on which I will never be fully understood by anyone, ever again. I tell some people because it comes up and I pretend I’m over it. But I tell them because of a strange compulsion. Not because I feel safe. A new part of me finds a way to die every time I think about it. And this room saw me right before it all. When my world was still beautiful, when the light still came in.

Nothing about this room knows.

But I’m in this room, and I know.

I see all of the ghosts.

[regret-breathing]

complaining at 4am again: angry edition

its fucked up that not only can i not afford to have a room with walls and im forced to sleep on a painful couch acting as the live in maid/therapist to a woman i despise who behaves like a teenager, but i cant even get a job to fix this. like what the fuck am i supposed to do when to keep my current awful couch im sleeping on i have to be cleaning up after and supporting my roommate 24/7, but in order to leave id need extensive time to meticulously comb the atrocious job market in my city until some fuckass 711 will hire me because im not qualified enough to work anywhere else.

too broke to not be at the whims of this horrible soulless white girl, too exhausted to find a job, too disabled to have the work experience or degree that would get me said job, too useless to find a way out of this hell. all i can do is wait for her to get disgruntled over something minuscule and kick me out, or until i snap and tell her the truth about how i feel about her at which point im definitely getting kicked out.

im teetering on the edge of a looooot of bad shit right now and i dont entirely think im likely to make it out of this alive unless i won the damn lottery. brb developing a drinking problem in secret because im not “allowed” to keep alcohol in her apartment.

and hey, soulless white girl i live with, if youre stalking my fucking tumblr again and find this post, ive lost any remaining shred of respect for you and if you have any problem with any of this i invite you to come at me with a knife and see how that goes, because kicking me out and trying to kill me at this point will have the same impact. just know that without me youd have lost literally everyone you love in your life to your own childish bullshit if i wasnt coaching you through every social situation for the last 2 years, and i have more dirt on you than you can even remember so, good luck if you fuck me over because im a petty bitch who doesnt play around when it comes to my housing <3

[writeforfandoms]

It's 4am where I live and I literally dreamt this shit and woke up and now I have to share

Your shifter au, especially the mink!reader one, consumed 102% of my brain and its all i think about now ✨

So anyways I'm not sure how exactly my dream went but here's the recap? Man idk it's 4 am so

And sorry for any typos in advance

Y'know how mink was captured and they skinned her (bad torture and all that) and the boys rescued her and all

Well what if we reverse it?

What if the boys get captured on a mission to dismantle a shifter trafficking ring, because it was in fact, a trap, and their captors had tranq guns ready (I mean would bullets be effective? I don't think so) and let's pretend mink was on another mission or on leave for the sake of the story😂

and they keep them drugged so they can't do anything but are aware just enough while they make new delas or something

And then mink gets back to base and they're not there

Don't imagine mink finding out and going apsolutley quiet, which is the total oposite of how she is and it scares people, carnage on her mind because how dare they touch her boys

While she's tracking them down they force the boys to shift, and forced shifts are painful, so they can torture them for information because they are military and those fuckers want to know how compromised they are with the ring and all

When she finally tracks them down and gets to the location she goes apsolutley beserk (I imagine her sneaking around as a weasel and takes half of the ring with silent kills) and then gets to the main cage rooms and doesn't find her boys and she thinks she's to late but refuses to give up (she would go to the end of the world for them) and then she finds Horangi drugged up he can't even twitch, tied to a interrogation chair, full of cuts and bruises, overall injured

He sees her and tries to tell her to run while she can because it's not safe, but she unties him and supports his weight and unresponsive limbs and drags him to a safe corner

She goes to search for her big bear but doesn't find him, and she looses her shit because hes not here where is he?

Evac comes and they take Horangi out on a stretcher with mink not far behind

Anyways I woke up there, but imagine a few days later they find out where they took Konig, Horangi is still recovering because the drugs apparently have long lasting effects and she seethes with the thought

And she goes behind everyone's backs and finds Konig in a cell, in his human form, unconscious and unresponsive with various injuries and suspicious black bruising along his ribs which are 100% broken because the drugs prevent him from healing

Carnage follows, no one is alive when the team comes, they just find her stabbing the already dead bastard over and over and over again

Long story short she had to be sedated because she was down right feral

she helps them recover, like they did her and doesn't leave them out of her sight, and everyone's afraid if she doesn't see one of her boys she will go feral again

🙃😁

Hey HEY GET BACK HERE

This was a dream you had?? Damn. Daaaaaamn.

🦐 anon, we got another one! 😂

Okay but for real. Mink would absolutely go AWOL and feral if she needed to, in order to get her pack back. She would not stop. She would be absolutely vicious. Nobody would expect it looking at her, especially with her habit of being a little chaos gremlin, but she is absolutely lethal.

The people who took her pack learn that. Briefly. In the short time before they're all dead.

We're putting these three through so much pain, I love it

[sadsnek]

sleep depervation miku

so i got sick last sater day and despite no longer vomiting or having dierrea i still cant get more than 2 hours of sleep a day so to past the time i play some musicand a song with miku plays so im like oh yeah i could draw miku from memory with some of this free time i just relized that a had a refrance being the song i was replaying over and over again but i dident use that did i now also i tryed to rerember how to scroll the bruss size instead of buckut tooling it all and wile masing my kebord i anded that pink thing and tryed to erace it thats why her eyebro is cut and any lins i draw just come out of the dot so rather than finish the miku i am just going to right this down before i forget any way hop you injoy sleep depservation miku iam making this at 4am but i am going to scdule this for when the people are alive

[bloodiedrogue]

I CANT BELIEVE I MISSED SHOW AND TAV! you best believe i have yet another tav to talk about. i am infected with OC disease i cant stop making them.

(keeping it brief this round because its like 4am.)

here is my half-elf durge sunny (short for sunshine)! nobody bothered giving him a proper name as a child, instead he was mostly referred to as simply The Dark Urge, or Bhaals Chosen. he couldnt remember being called anything when he woke up from the nautiloid though, so introducing himself was kind of awkward. the lack of name troubled dear shadowheart so she insisted on calling him something. sunshine started off as a sarcastic nickname (i mean look at the guy he is 6'5, jacked as hell and has the worlds worst resting bitch face) but it caught on. even sunny himself starts to introduce himself as 'sunny'. i always think its hilarious to imagine someone asking him what sunny is short for and this big hunk of beef having to answer 'sunshine.' with a straight face.

his romance is a little complicated.. he definitely has feelings for shadowheart throughout the events of the game. but after dealing with the urges and the tadpole and gortash and orin and bhaal.... this guy is just a (barely) living wreck. whatever relationship they had beforehand is practically decimated halfway through act 3 because sunny just cuts himself off completely from shadowheart. he starts sleeping around (literally anything with a pulse. i think they should neuter this guy) and just generally avoiding any sort of committment or relationship of any kind. not necessarily out of malice but out of fear? protection? he just thinks shadowheart is better without having to worry about him all the time. he is fully aware of how poorly he is put together and he doesn't want shadowheart to keep picking up the pieces. this dude also has 0 communication skills (what being raised in a murder temple does to a mf) and is scared of his own feelings. anything not related to murder and blood is new to him and he does NOT want to deal with it. i also think meeting gortash has a real effect here...coming face to face with an ex-lover and realising just how fucked up your relationship was is sure to make you rethink a few things.

the game ends and sunny is left in limbo. like here is a guy who was sculpted from bhaals own flesh to be the last man left alive and is now just let loose into the world with no idea who he is. he isn't like the rest, he was never a person before all this. he wasn't made to be a person. does he even have the right to be a person after everything he has done in bhaals name? he goes to helpsastarion in the underdark. both because he and astarion are very close friensd but also because he believes that helping the 7,000 spawn acts as some sort off repentance. the idea of sunny and astarion being in charge by themselves is actually kind of terrifying but i think they'd manage okay... they'd be good for each other i think. i'd like to think that after some well deserved healing and reflection that they might end up together... there was definitely an initial chemistry but they were both a little too bonkers to do anything about it. only after they have taken the time to figure themselves out though... i just want them to be happy. i also like to think that shadowheart and nocturne are a happy couple after the game because I'll be damned if she doesn't get her happy ending too.

(i lied about keeping it brief.)

okay, he may be big and spooky because of the dark urge stuff but deep down in my heart that guy is the definition of a sunshine. look at that cute face!

also absolutely love his character arc and the hardships he goes through. they definitely feel really true to how i feel a redeemed durge would end up reacting. especially in regards to relationships.

shame about him and shadowheart! but glad he potentially finds a partner in astarion because that poor vamp needs some loving too 😤💚

[hotwaterandmilk]

Paripi Koumei/Ya Boy Kongming! drama finale extremely brief almost-4am thoughts.

I'M NOT EVEN MAD ABOUT THEM DOING THIS TO ME. IT HURT SO GOOD. I LOVED IT OH MY GODDDDDD.

It's the middle of the night and I should be sleeping, but I have no self control so when I saw this was available I needed to watch it immediately. Summer Sonia plan has its bumps but everything works out. Eiko and Maria sing together, everything is AWESOME for everyone who isn't Keiji and the show has 10 mins to go and yayyyy!

But then Kongming is drawn back to that meeting with Liu Bei they've been blue balling us with all series and he realises:

Cue Kongming and Owner having a heartfelt conversation in a way only two middle-aged men who converse exclusively through Three Kingdoms lore can.

Obviously the exact details are kind of skewed, but Kobayashi has previously suggested Kongming's dreams are calling to him so he can accept that Kongming has to go and lets him. Eiko is performing and doesn't realise any of this is going on. Later that night at the BB Lounge she thanks Kongming and he gives her his final pep talk.

But can't bring himself to say he thinks he's going back to being dead or whatever, so he holds back tears and Eiko just goes about like :D before singing upon Kongming's request without realising he sees this as the final performance of hers he'll ever witness. FLASHBACK TO ALL THE GOOD TIMES. SHOW WHY YOU DO THIS. HE BEGINS WALKING TOWARDS LIU BEI...

Cut to everyone else coming in for the evening's celebrations as Eiko is performing, Kongming lets everyone step in front of him until he disappears behind the crowd...

Outside the club Kobayashi (who has been escorting KABEtaijin) suddenly looks up at a shooting star in the sky and silently mouths "Kongming."

KABE and Kobayashi head inside, everyone is celebrating and it's super cute.

Kobayashi looks around for Kongming but can't see him so heads behind the bar. Then Eiko, oblivious Eiko WHO HAS HAD NO IDEA WHATSOEVER THAT ANY OF THIS WAS HAPPENING, can't see Kongming anywhere either! She calls out for him, asks Owner but he says he hasn't seen him... Kongming is just... gone...

She looks everywhere for Kongming, calling his name....

😭😭😭

... and then she finds him in front of the mirror in the back room crying but IT'S OK BECAUSE HE'S.STILL.HERE.

He didn't die on the way back to his home planet like Poochie! He's stuck in Shibuya using Paypay like everyone else! MASSIVE MASSIVE FAKE OUT JUST TO TOY WITH EVERYONE'S FEELINGS IN THE FINAL 10 MINUTES OF THE SHOW OH MY GOD.

But I'm not mad because it got me good. I was like 😭 at every turn, then he just doesn't go and it's like y'know what? That's cool. I'M JUST GLAD HE'S HERE OK.

The problem with the idea of sending Kongming "back" is that, well, he died in the past. The first thing he does in the present is check his pulse and he's alive now, so given he's not a ghostly presence or anything there isn't any real "going back" to be had for Kongming imho. He's just some ojii-san in the city now and I couldn't ask for more. He did finally make peace with the presence of Liu Bei and his failures in the past, now he's purely living that Shibuya life and the drama is entirely open to a movie or sequel.

The ratings weren't great so I'm not sure that will happen, but I am just truly happy that we got these 10 episodes of television. The production values were high, the cast were excellent and the writing fleshed out the manga story beautifully. The whole concept is absolutely absurd and these last couple of episodes felt somwhat rushed, but the drama approaches everything so earnestly that it's hard not to get swept up in it all.

So now I have to go try and sleep without dwelling on all the sad Kongming faces I just had to endure.

😭😭😭

[atsukawolfcat]

Venti's Strength

SO HELLO AGAIN WITH ANOTHER THEORY AND YUP ITS VENTI'S THIS TIME and its a bit of a doozy and I am half alive atm

Spoiler Alert? Genshin Lore and Stuffs, mostly a delulu person blabbering while they can on their phone.

So I can't sleep (its 4AM after an ER visit so hahahaaaaaa nothing major though just a precaution for anyone reading this and wondering) and I was going through TikTok when I saw this little video pop up

I have a theory (a GAME theory lool no jk AHEM). And as some of the comments pointed out (and a bit on the video) here are some facts:

1. Nahida states that an Archon's power derives from "faith" rather than "rule"

2. Venti's Gnosis was the shape of a Queen chesspiece, which is the most powerful piece on the board.

3. Only Venti self proclaimed as the weakest of the Archons

So I will go through each one by one to do a mini "share my thoughts" while I still have em. And a little disclaimer before I go ahead, I not an avid chessplayer and I have yet to finish Sumeru's AQ (still catching up on it, been lazy about tbh but its a WIP) and I don't really remember Nahida saying this on MY game yet so I will just discuss what I have observed. Dang I really do need a refresher on everything

ANYWAY, first is Nahida's comment. There is a LOT going on for this one, much more than the story of "ruling is power". So lets say that being an avid or active ruler of your city is what give you power, then as we know, Venti should definitely be near the end of his life because he DOESN'T rule. He hates the idea of ruling or mainting power over his city, and with his history with rulers I don't blame him. There was a whole war he had participated in after his creation/birth in which he was going against the ruling parties, the nobles and the royal family of that time as an extension. He supported the common folk, in which was his best friend of which he took his appearance after now to live in his memory. Having any rule after that cruel loss is not something I would ever want to take a part of, so he remained as a silent guide and protector of the new Mondstadt. If he did indeed "rule", he would have never had any power. From just his backstory alone, we get the feeling he has not ruled over Mond at all, just guided them and gave the people the tools to be self sufficient, which for old Mond, was sweet freedom. So more support for Nahida's statement, as we all know that the people from his city have VERY strong faith in him still after generations.

Second, his Gnosis. So I am not a chess player and at best, a complete novice. So I goggled what was the most powerful chesspiece.

Clear as day, the Queen chesspiece (which reminder, it is the shape of his Gnosis) IS the most powerful. But what fascinates me more is the wording. "There is something inherently satisfying about giving up the strongest piece on the board in order to checkmate the enemy king"? Hmm, as far as I know, there has been no confirmed King piece Gnosis, and its been theorirzed it may be our Cryo Archon that has it. How convenient that he lost it to one of her people. And since I am leaning towards him being the strongest, I am POSITIVE the statement he said "Without a doubt, I am now the WEAKEST Archon in all of Teyvat" was less for our ears and more for someone else. He has power over wind, which we know he uses to project his voice and other abilities. He's lived among humans for hundreds of years, and no doubt he recognized Signora. Very likely knew their plan, stated that he was the weakest to give the go ahead, and let the gnosis be taken for a bigger chess game in motion.

Now for the last one. As far as my memory goes, NO OTHER ARCHON has claimed or supported that Venti is the weakest of all 7(will double check later once the caffeine hits). We have only heard this from him directly, while others just express their annoyance at his current antics or his habits. Would the Traveller ask them about Venti's strength? Very likely, but knowing Venti and the other (known) Archons, none would speak about current Venti since they haven't A. Seen him in many years or B. Have a possible contract to keep their mouths shut (ahem ZHONGLI) or even C. Met him proper. So heres what I think in total:

Venti spoke that outloud for a fatui operative (likely Signora) to proceed with the plan of taking his Gnosis AND its possible he said that to himself since he could only do so much at helping his dear friend, the Unnamed Bard. Very likely has some sort of survivor guilt (based on how hes moving on with the appearance of his friend), and just can't shake off the fact he wasn't strong enough when his friend needed him. Its also why he's so set in helping people move on from people who have passed on (Stanley's story quest). Its something he can do, so why not do it while he has the chance?

OOOOO this was a long one, but I hope this gives some food for thought. I am a firm believer that Venti is still one of the strongest if not THE strongest of all the Archons in term of raw power. Thank you for coming to my late night/early morning Tedtalk lol now off to sleep with the wolfcat

[ethaninthewilde]

my experience with top surgery

with Dr. Lisa Friederich in Sydney, Australia

because i needed to write about this beautiful, ethereal experience, even though I do not think I can do it justice in words.

so i had pedicle top surgery with dr. lisa friederich at hunters' hill hospital three days ago and it went as amazing as I ever could have hoped. incredibly beautiful results that have me made me cry with happiness multiple times.

I went in at 8am, the surgery lasted about 4 hours and I woke up about two hours after. i was pretty wiped but my boyfriend was there when i woke up and he just kissed me and i went back to sleep. i woke up again about seven hours later, probably with a 2/10 pain, but that's as bad as my pain has been this whole time and i've been prescribed oxycodone to take as needed (no more than one per four hours) with panadol and that's worked wonders. the drains were attached and there was a little more fluid than i was expecting but that was okay. the nurse came in to take my blood pressure, temperature, oxygen levels, and check my drains. i took some oxycodone and was asleep again in the next hour or so. woke up again around 4am feeling much more myself. managed to walk myself to the bathroom (a big thing for me post-major surgery since I really struggle to walk sometimes) and I saw my chest in the compression binder for the first time. i was so so happy with it being flat and i couldn't stop running my hands over the flat (flat! flat!!!!) surface and i took a lil video of myself and i truly think i will remember that moment forever as the most confident i have ever felt in my body--and i hadn't even seen my actual chest yet.

as euphoric as I was, I was still pretty tired so I went back to bed and called the nurse for some more endone bc I could feel the pain starting to come back. all the nurses that came in the two days I was in the hospital were truly so kind, and so competent and lovely. I did get deadnamed a few times, but I haven't legally changed my name yet so that's what was on my documents, and the nurses who did it all apologised and fixed it so that was wonderful. the nurse took my levels again--everything was fine--and i called my friends who were in different timezones and i cannot describe how it felt to sit with my friends who I'd been talking about getting top surgery with for nearly eight years and now it was just done and my god everything felt so beautiful and it's cliche but everything in life was worth it for these last few days post-op. i had been working toward this surgery for so so long, moved across the country for it, worked four jobs at 15 for it, been homeless for it, had the thought of eventually being able to get this surgery keep me alive for so long when i was alone, depressed, suicidal and self-loathing--and i had finally made it. i finally fucking made it. i was fucking beautiful and i had made it and i finally felt loveable. i finally felt like myself. trans joy is godhood. trans joy is lifesaving. i truly believe this surgery saved my life.

anyways!! i was awake for a few hours until about seven am when i went back to sleep until about 11. my boyfriend was coming to pick me up around 12 after he finished work so i called the nurse in to let her know and she gave me some more endone and removed my first drain. this felt very weird, like a tube was being pulled from the top of my chest through the side, almost alien-like, and i felt a little dizzy and lightheaded so the nurse put an oxygen mask on me and laid the bed down for about five - ten minutes until i felt better. she was really patient which was lovely because i get regular seizures and whenever i get dizzy I always get scared one is coming since it's a regular warning sign, but she just let me lie there with my eyes closed and focus on my breathing. at this point my boyfriend had turned up, and he held my hand whilst she took the other drain out, which had considerably less fluid in it.

i saw the surgeon again before I was discharged--and Dr. Lisa is genuinely one of the kindest, well-conducted doctors I have ever dealt with (and I have been in hospital over 35 times in the last 7 months or so). she replaced the top layer of clear dressing over my nipples, and worked a needle through them to de-congest some of the blood, which turned them back to the more-typical pink. she then gave me a fresh binder and gauze pads to take home, along with a box of oxycodone for the pain and told me to book a follow-up appointment with her in the next seven days. she also told me to do regular compressions of the nipple area to continue decongesting the blood over the next few days, which would help with the colour. now this was the moment because i got to take the binder off to do these compressions and i saw my chest for the first time. and truly, truly, truly--the innate, inherent holy shit, that's me feeling that fucking swept through was overwhelming i teared up and almost hugged my surgeon. i didn't have a lot of time to contemplate bc I had to put the binder back on and the nurse came back in with the paperwork and suddenly I was packing up (though they were very kind and said i could stay for as long as I wanted to, if I had any more questions, etc.)

boyfriend made me food when we got home and insisted I go to bed despite feeling completely fine if a bit tired still, so I did and we watched an episode of drag race. we're staying at his parents' place whilst i'm recovering and both of his parents are/used to be nurses so this was a reassurance if anything were to go wrong. i had soup for dinner that night which hurt my throat a little but the main issue is was the massive bruise on the inside of my lip from when i was intubated in surgery (which should go away in the next few days, but to me has honestly been the most frustrating part of this whole recovery). took some panadol and endone and did my compressions. taking off the binder and being able to look at my chest properly for the first time was the most tender moment of my entire life, with ethan whispering "you're so beautiful" and "baby, you made it" and "look at you, love, holy shit" into my ear and into my shoulder as i sat there, completely exposed, completely vulnerable, bandaged, and completely myself for the first time in my life. i think i spent about 45 minutes just going back and forth between him and the mirror, laughing and crying and laughing and just being so indescribably euphoric and overcome with it all. i'd finally made it. here, right now, even with all my unresolved medical issues and trauma and fears, i had everything i had ever wanted and it was real. it was REAL. i do not think i will ever feel that strong of a sense of peace and contentness again in my life. in that moment i felt unbreakable. in that moment i felt invincible, indestructible, fucking untouchable. i fucking made it, and no one could take that away from me. no one, nothing, ever. i had saved my life. i had saved my own life. i was here and i was real and i was finally myself. how do i explain this? i cannot keep repeating this but it seems the only way. lord, if only you could feel the godhood i have been given. the power i have in my hands. the power this body has.

it took me too long to realise how beautiful this trans body of mine is. but i am here now. i am never letting go.

dr. lisa friederich: i think you saved my life. thank you for bringing me back. thank you. thank you. thank you. i finally made it.

[i will add to this over the next few days, but right now i need to go back to sleep. i love you all]

[mouthoftheocean]

Jean Harlow: Do you have a garden? If so, what kind of plants do you have?

Humphrey Bogart: Do you travel a lot? Where have you been?

Myrna Loy: Do you like going to parties?

Spencer Tracy: What time do you wake up?

Jean: My garden is shared, and predates me (no, not that way.) The largest trees are over 40 years old; an Agonis Flexuosa and Pōhutukawa dominate the north and south sides of the house, respectively, both are in excess of 15 meters tall. In the backyard, an equally freakishly large variegated Pittosporum continues to challenge them for supremacy. A flowering eucalyptus grows on our nature strip, and together with the Agonis, and a teetering Virgilia, make seasonal threats against our overhead powerline. Closer to the ground, I have made attempts to introduce more Australian plants despite the reputation of our local soil being complete trash (spoiler: it is, our suburban block was quite literally built on a historic landfill.) The survivors, to date, include Callistemon, several varieties of Correa and Leptospermum (honorable mention to the coastal teatree* to which I have a not insignificant emotional attachment that will no doubt end in bitter disappointment), Kangaroo Paw (they’re alive but screaming for help), Banksia (alive but refusing to thrive), Eucalyptus ‘Baby Blue’ (he’s adopted), Thryptomene, Hardenbergia, and Acacia. Plants that have been here for longer than I’ve been alive include Fuschias, Pelargoniums, and an ocean self-seeding Cinerarias. My father planted a Diosma in the early 90’s that he has dotingly hedged ever since, it’s now as tall as I am, but I remember jumping over it with my sister when it, and we, were much, much smaller. Back then, we also had an enormous cherry plum tree growing on our eastern boundary – shading our driveway, and the neighbours’. Summer would arrive, the fruit would fall, and with every passing car a chorus of popping plums would foreshadow the looming familial task of scraping half-fermented plum slurry off the concrete. On the upside, our local blackbirds were very happy, and so were the Hydrangeas growing in the shade of the plum tree. And because you didn’t ask for an essay, I’ll make a list of the rest: Roses (17 at last count); Buddleja; Elderflower, Convulvulus ‘Silver Bush’; Salvia; Borage; Violets; Statice, Jasmine; Rosemary; Sunflowers; Gladioli; Petunia; Viola; Jade, Zygo Cactus, Catmint, Seaside Daisy, a dream of red Poppies (waiting to discover if the seeds are still viable), Grape Hyacinth, Foxglove, Snowdrops, and Bluebells (despite my best efforts at wholesale murder.) Humphrey: Not a lot. Internationally, I’ve been to Scotland, Ireland, Wales, and England - first in 2005 (there was a brief weekend in Paris, as well), and then again in 2015. In 2010 I visited New Mexico. It was my first time traveling alone, abroad, to meet and stay with people I’d met on the internet. Accordingly, I have a vivid recollection of my sister giving me instruction on how to brutally incapacitate someone as I was packing to leave for the city to catch my plane. While my friend will tell you she still has the bruise, I can at least attest that she wasn’t trying to take me to a second location when I gave it to her… affectionately – but you know this story already. Locally, I’ve been to South Australia, New South Wales, and the Northern Territory… but in the grand scheme, I’ve seen very little of Australia. Living where I do, in a little damp corner of Victoria, the rest of the country intimidates me like the promise of third-degree burns. Myrna: Categorically get away from me if people are coming that I don’t know. I can enjoy myself, or I can make small talk with strangers… I can’t do both. Smaller scale, close friends/family is fine… but anything too peopled and I’m liable to be person-not-appearing-at-this-soiree. Spencer: Any random-ass time between 1 and 4am, and ostensibly for no reason.

*the coastal tea tree's final form. Mine is still only 8 inches tall.

[britcision]

Y’know what it’s 4am and I am In Pain while my doc thinks I can just “go to bed earlier” so I’m gonna tell you about the Dhurfucks

I love the Dhurfucks

That’s their last name

It came from a name generator so I’m not responsible for it

They are two of my NPCs from my homebrew world’s previous Level 20 Fight (because it’s a magical world and the players are not the first people to stir shit up, worlds need Legends)

And the Dhurfucks? The Dhurfucks are legends

The Dhurfucks are more legendary than the rest of their most recent adventuring party but to be fair, they are also at least 600 years older than most of those whipper snappers

The Dhurfucks are so legendary that the entire island continent they came from has been renamed to reflect What They Have Done

The Dhurfucks are a pair of dwarf twins, Hudran (he/him) and Guthrun (she/her)

Guthrun is a warlock of Freyr

Hudran is a passion cleric of Freya

They may or may not trade off on deities occasionally because if anyone can get in on some good twins bullshit, it is Freyr and Freya

Now, how do a pair of dwarfs get themselves legendary status in a world that, again, is magical and has had plenty of bullshit done before?

Well, you have to do your bullshit harder. With more vigour. And subvert every expectation of society, with precise timing so as not to get yourself killed

They’re in their 700s. They’ve got it down to an art, and are fucking hard to kill

The rest of their previous party have all retired now, settled down throughout the world and let themselves fade from the limelight (mostly) in the aftermath of their big godfight 130 years ago

The Dhurfucks wished them well, visit regularly, gamble for the paladin’s kids in bars, and kept right on fucking trucking

Because when a level 20 warlock/cleric combo roll up on your city and decide to have a god-off in the undead swamp outside, there isn’t a lot you can (or should) do about it

(Freyr leant divine energy for the god off, but the cleric won for obvious Destroy Undead reasons)

It is possible that before they reached around level 17 the Dhurfucks had to restrain themselves and behave, but again, since it’s been 130+ years since then, those days are a distant memory

These days, they are the only members of Former Hero Party Rolling Thunder (fuck the trucker convoy I had the name first and I’ll give it up when I die and not before) that everyone is completely sure is still alive because You Still Hear Stories

(The paladin specifically is assumed dead for tragedy reasons and one of her kids is a PC)

The Dhurfucks drink. They party. They have a pretty Cohen-the-barbarian relationship with gold; it’s very easy to come by when you’re an official Hero, and easy to spend out to every town you come across and boost the economy of bars, shops, and varying entertainment

They do not hold on to money, they are the siphon through which it passes

Sometimes they will be hired escorts. Sometimes they will be paid not to come to certain places or events. Sometimes they Planeshift and go bother all the other dimensions for a while and people quietly hope they have stopped

They have not stopped

They will not stop

They are simply putting the Fear of Dhurfucks into everyone else as well

Dwarfs live a long time, and they see no reason not to have as much fun as is physically possible for the entirety of that time, and their patrons? Well, they’re fertility gods

They’re all about the good times, and spreading the bounty of wealth

And if that includes a little showmanship, the occasional truly stupid stunt to see what will happen, that is all party of the bounty of life

They’ll fight dragons in their underwear. They’ll head butt beholders for fun. And if only one of them dies, the other has a way to bring them back and no one’s managed to get both at once yet

They’re adrenaline junkies but past a certain level actual danger and the ensuing adrenaline rush is pretty hard to come by, so the stories just get bigger and bigger, and they will egg each other on to make it worse

Half the stuff they try and do is actually impossible, and they fail

However, when what you are trying to do is “hold the moving island in place and make it move backwards”, even fucking trying leads to a great story, no matter how much everyone knows how it ends

It’s whether or not people noticed the heartbeat when the movement stuttered

The Dhurfucks are big, ridiculous personalities in dwarf sized glasses to give my players something to aspire to, and they’re so much fun to dot around the world

None of the players have asked about them yet

None of them know what is coming

The Dhurfucks will find them soon

After all, their dear little nephew is travelling with the party, and it’s been too long since their last visit. Poor kid was kidnapped 11 years ago

[mocha-moth]

thanks for the tag @ossified-hypothesis !!!

Current Things

3 Ships: shiguang (cheng xiaoshi and lu guang from link click) are. my biggest most brainrotting ship rn. I love them so very very much and I am absolutely not normal about them in any way. itafushi (yuji itadori and megumi fushiguro from jujutsu kaisen) I am also currently utterly insane about them, especially currently making my way through the manga. wangxian (wei wuxian and lan wangji from the untamed/mo dao zu shi) because they just keep coming back I love them so much I've gone through like 3 phases of being mad about them. honorary shout out to renga (reki kyan and langa hasegawa from sk8) bc I love them too very much

Last Song: turbulence from the link click soundtrack!! I've been listening to that soundtrack a lot it's very nice!

Currently Reading: in terms of physical books, mo dao zu shi, I'm about halfway through book 3! it's such a good series. online I'm reading the jujutsu kaisen manga (I'm yet to read 180+) and losing my mind about it, and also I started omniscient reader's viewpoint yesterday that I'm 18 chapters into. loving it so far, kim dokja my beloved.

Last Movie: I think it might have been jujutsu kaisen 0? very good movie, hurt me deeply, I Would Die For Yuta Okkotsu

Currently Watching: sk8 the infinity I am very close to finishing, link click for the second time, and I'm gonna start given once I finish sk8. also this exact second I'm watching dylan woebegonepod stream :DD

Currently Craving: honestly I'm not sure :O nothing edible. probably sleep, because I did not sleep until gone 4am last night

Currently Consuming: bowl of cereal! got snacky! I love cereal! in terms of media i'm not watching or reading, I'm catching up on malevolent podcast bc I got a few chapters behind oops, I also need to listen to the new find us alive episode. and I'm playing sky cotl.

tagging!!: @inactivemcgee @kittvampic @vizzyfitzroy @bardicwanderlust @strawberryking @ty-bayonet-betteridge @mxinferno @pride-dragon42 if you wish to participate, also anyone else who wants to!!

[justheretoreadfanfictions12]

The Love You Want - Part 8

Sleep Token Fanfiction - Green

The night after the concert, I sleep in Jax's room without having to sneak in when the others are sleeping. I just walk into the room with him. I hold his hand. I kiss him. I wear his hoodie. It's too good to be true. But when the sun sets & darkness surrounds us, I can feel him breaking apart next to me. I can feel his demons haunt him when he tries to rest. I wake up at 4am, the room is dark, everything is quiet except for his breath. He breathes heavily, almost choking, like there's no air in the room, like all oxygen has been drained from his lungs. He gets up, opens the door to our balcony, grabs a pack of cigarettes & disappears into the night. I get up quietly & follow him. I see his tall frame leaning against the railing, watching the city, inhaling the cigarette smoke. I don't say a word but grab the pack from his hands to light myself a cigarette too. He doesn't ask any questions, he has never seen me smoke but he seems to just accept that I'm joining him in his mid night smoke break. After a few minutes he says: "I have terrible nightmares when I manage to fall asleep. I have had them since I was a child". He sounds exhausted, the sleep deprivation is draining him. "I used to have them too." I say. "I used to dream about my own death. Falling from a tall building, drowning, burning, being buried alive. I sometimes still have them". He lays his hand on mine. "I always have the same dream. Waking up in a hospital bed, surrounded by my family. They speak to me but I can't answer. They touch me but I can't move. Then I realize I'm dead. I can't tell them how sorry I am. I can't tell them that I couldn't take the pain anymore. They could never understand why I did it. They could never understand how torn apart I am. I feel like I'm not even human anymore, Iris. I feel like I'm a shell filled with anger, trauma, pain, lost in this world. I didn't even remember what happiness felt like until I held your hand." he says. I know that he had tried to take his life, I know that he barely survived. "You are more than a shell, Jax. You are so much more." I say. He pulls me close, squeezing me into him. Then he takes a last inhale of his cigarette, throwing it off the building.

He crashes his lips on mine, holding my neck with his strong hands. He manages to pull his lips away just to say: "I don't feel like talking about this right now, I'd rather distract myself by making love to you, Sugar". He pushes me against the wall behind us, his fingers find their way beneath my shirt. His kiss is so aggressive, yet his hands are so gentle. Trailing the tattoos on my chest, drawing circles around my nipples, squeezing my breasts. "I'm begging you to get on your knees, please." he says. The tone of his voice makes my body tingle. He is literally begging for me. I won't give in so easily. "I'm not convinced. That's not enough." I say. He sighs. I can feel his lust & frustration build up. He gets on his knees slowly. Kneeling in front of me, he raises his hands & says: "Iris, I'm begging you to cleanse me with pleasure". He's using his own song texts to make me weak & it works. "Get up." I tell him. He seems to enjoy my sudden dominance. I push him against the wall, then I get down, kissing his chest, licking the line of fine hair down to his stomach. I feel his body shiver beneath my tongue. I dig my nails into his thighs as I bite into his boxers. He is hard, harder than I have ever seen him. I pull his shorts down, revealing his huge erection. I spit in my hand, then I slowly stroke him. Just the tip. He moans. Then I tighten my grip, stroking down to his shaft, holding my hand there while now licking the tip. I can feel him growing even harder, I didn't think that was possible. I take his hands, guiding them to my head, signaling him to hold it & use is as he pleases. He moans loudly as he pushes himself deeper into my mouth. It takes all my self control to be able to take him in. Suddenly he stops, pulling me back on my feet. "I love fucking your mouth, but I would much rather fuck you pussy." he says. His voice is deeper than usual. His eyes are darker. He almost seems like a different Jax, but I like this version of him. He pulls me back into his room, pushing me down on his bed, quickly tearing my shirt & panties off of my body. "I wanted to make you cum with my head between your legs but I can't wait. I can't wait another second to feel you." he growls. Then he is on top of me, his elbows next to my head, I have never felt him this close. "Look into my eyes when you push yourself into me" I say. He sighs, he's like a wild animal watching his prey, ready to attack any second. His eyes are locked with mine when he enters me. His expression changes, this moment seems to be all he has been waiting for, he adores me, he adores the feelings I give him. His hips are so close to mine, the friction between them combined with slow deep thrusts drive me crazy. My lips find his, I moan into his mouth, my hands hold on to his back tightly. We both can't take it for long, after about 10 thrusts my body shivers, my eyes roll back, my voice cracks at my loud moan, which turns him on even more. "I can feel your pussy pulsing on my dick, it makes me want to fill you up." he says. Then I feel him cum, he warms me up from inside, he buries his head in my chest, his breath stops for a few seconds.

Jax falls asleep next to me, breathing calmly, his head on my lap, his hands holding my thighs. How can one man be filled with so many different personalities? With so many emotions? I adore him. I adore that he needs me. I adore that I'm the only one who can truly make him rest, make him laugh, make him burst with lust.

The next morning we wake up early & super tired. We shower & get ready for the day. It's quite warm outside so I throw on some black jeans shorts, a black top & one of Jax's hoodies. A black one with dark red roses on the sleeves. I have to tuck it into my shorts because it's almost a dress for me. He's so tall, his clothing is just huge. He looks at me in awe. "My hoodies look way better on you." he says. I turn around, the sight surprises me. He is wearing a black pair of pants with little white stripes, a white shirt & a dark green hoodie on top. I have never seen Jax wear anything that isn't completely black. "Who are you & what have you done to my Jax?" I ask jokingly. He smiles, his smile is genuine, it's heartwarming. "My Jax." he repeats. "I could get used to that. I'm your Jax now." I blush. "So I'm not just your groupie?" I ask. He shakes his head. "You never were. I admit I used to have some groupies here & there, years ago. But it never gave me what I was looking for. It left me even emptier. It was meaningless. I felt drained after talking to a woman, talking to anyone but Alex, Dan or Ryle. Nobody has ever felt like you, Iris. I'm your Jax. I swear I want to be nothing but your Jax. I want to be Vessel & I want to be your Jax. I was in the mood for some color today cause you bring color to my life ". He takes a step towards me, his hands cup my face. He looks at me, his silver eyes burn their way into my soul. I could look at him forever, drowning in his eyes, breathing in his smell. "Are you my Iris?" he asks. No words come out of my mouth, I just stand there crying like a baby. I nod. "Yes, I'm your Iris if you promise to be my Jax. No matter what happens. I love your dark side, I love your bright side, I won't ever leave you hanging when you need me." I say, my voice breaks, tears fall from my face. "I love you." he says. Hugging me tightly, I push my face into his chest, my hands hold on to the back of his hoodie. "I love you, Jax." I say.

He never lets go of my hand. He never misses a chance to look into my eyes. He holds doors for me. He carries my coffee. He demands me to stay seated & gets everything I want for me. Alex looks at us with big question marks in his eyes. "What in hell has happened to Jax?" he asks me. I shake my head & laugh. "I don't know. He's just in a good mood." I say. Ryle reaches our table & turns at Alex. "Is he wearing green? GREEN? Something is off today." We all laugh. Then something so unusual happens, that we all laugh even harder. Jax sits down, hands me my coffee, looks at us laughing & joins in. A genuine laugh leaves his body. His cheeks turn a little red. He squints his eyes, looking us up & down, then he asks: "What are we laughing about?". Ryle smiles at him & says: "Nothing, brother. We are just happy". Jax nods. He nods with a little smile on his face, sipping his coffee & holding my hand beneath the table. We all seem so normal, so free of worries, just 5 friends having breakfast together. Just for a second, I forget who he is, who I am, that I should only do their marketing, that he's a literal celebrity whose identity is unknown to the world. We are just ourselves, that's it.

[gaywiththesauce]

Hi hello sorry it’s not Wednesday anymore BUT. I remember you saying at one point that you were listening to your Giyuu playlist? (am I remembering right?) and I’m. so unbelievably normal and was wondering what your top 5 songs you associate with Giyuu are. Or top 10. Or top one million. Ok thank you sorry goodbye again_(:3 」∠)_

Hi Rose👋!! welcome back to my dropbox lmao

okok so so I don't remember saying that but it's totally possible that I did. I think about blorbo a lot so I think I mentioned it

These won't be very descriptive because many of the songs are just related to emotions or specific scenarios so you'll have my 4am ramblings. lil warning, I'm a swiftie, but I have a variety of other different music tastes too. here's my top 20ish because I'm obsessed with my blorbo Giyuu Tomioka the Queen

Telephones by Vacations - "my thoughts are crawling, you're all I see" "wherever I go, you'll always be next to me" has massive brain rot energy :) he only sees his love(s) everywhere

Verbatim by Mother Mother - I kinda perceive Giyuu as someone that doesn't conform to gender norms (totally not projecting) but he would totally be unapologetic for his expression. maybe a lil oblivious but not sorry

First Love/Late Spring by Mitski - the lyrics speak for themselves of anxiety that he can't love anyone else because he's too scared to lose them. "please, hurry, leave me, I can't breathe. please don't say you love me."

Long Live (TV) by Taylor Swift - this song is specifically for my fantasy prince/knight au I made and fully fleshed out with Minecraft building and shit. the idea of happy fluffy marriage makes me giggle

Gilded Lily by Cults - self explanatory. sad song. "haven't I given enough?" "always the fool with the slowest heart" (help please he has the slowest heart because his way of communicating isn't verbal and only a very select few understand-)

Daylight by Taylor Swift - "I once believed love would be burning red, but it's golden, like daylight" kyogiyuu energy, first impression of Kyojuro's "burning red" but it turns out he's a soft "golden"

Screaming by CHVRCHES - beautiful song. it talks about the past and how time has been stolen. not knowing what side of the coin you're on and if it's wrong or not. good vibes song to look out the window to

New Year's Day by Taylor Swift - SUCH A GOOD MESSAGE SONG! it's all about the tranquility that comes with love and life, how the couple would be there for not just the fun moments but the calm or hard or maybe boring moments. also "please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere"

Money by The Drums - Giyuu would totally want to give back to the world he believes he's stolen from (he's still alive, which is something that he stole from others-) but he has nothing else to give other than hard training and killing demons, saving people when he can

Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol - this one I can't really explain. the build up and release just kinda speaks for itself. it's cathartic and makes you want to jump up and down and rip an air guitar

Don't Let Go by The Ghost Club - "I'm falling off the edge but you never ever let go" another relationship one! who woulda guessed? again, love that lasts because love is not all sunshine. it rains and pours and you have to get an umbrella. very fun to listen to!

The Mute by Radical Face - this was shown to me by a beautiful moot when my one ficlet reminded them of it. it makes sense! "if you only listen with your ears, you can't get in [my head]" (your fic today reminded me of this song too and i listened to it again after reading tehe)

Nightmares by CHVRCHES - "Another poem designed for revenge. Now I'm living a nightmare again, and it won't end.

Black Out Days by Phantogram - gives me remembering Sabito vibes. So painfully thinking of him but trying to forget him and keep that part of his mind away from now but it doesn't want to stay away. He isolates himself from his memories that he "[doesn't] even recognize [Sabito's] face"

I miss you, I'm sorry by Gracie Adams - it's less of the lyrics and more the vibes. i just kinda really like this song. "I still love you, I promise" to Sabito---

Become the Warm Jets by Current Joys - listen listen ok hear me out: slow song, sad voice, sad song, Giyuu-themed? totally feel canon with "All my life is just something I can't ignore."

A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be by Jess Benko - wow. sad angst sad song about regret because wow. just angst.

Young by Vacations - dissociation central. not knowing how things are moving and wanting things to be right and okay. that childhood innocence of want everything (read: Sabito) to be his

i love you by Billie Eilish - Giyuu being in denial of everything. How could Kyojuro say that he loves him? How could he open up so easily to Kyo? "the smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying" FFUCCK

Dress by Taylor Swift - this is that song when the pairing finally gets together after a 20K slow burn. smiles. "Carve your name into my bedpost 'cause I don't want you like a best friend."

A Love Song by Ladyhawke - happy upbeat love song. Imagine running through a crowd, holding hands, laughing and giggling as Kyo pulls Giyuu along to show him something he's excited about

I didn't mean for this to be this long (this was originally 10) but now you have 2/3 of my Giyuu playlist! I accidentally deleted my Giyuu playlist like four months ago so I'm building from the ground up unfortunately😭

I hope this satisfies your curiosity! Enjoy listening if you do!