#they did both try and cleric but guthrun just don’t got the conviction

[britcision]

Y’know what it’s 4am and I am In Pain while my doc thinks I can just “go to bed earlier” so I’m gonna tell you about the Dhurfucks

I love the Dhurfucks

That’s their last name

It came from a name generator so I’m not responsible for it

They are two of my NPCs from my homebrew world’s previous Level 20 Fight (because it’s a magical world and the players are not the first people to stir shit up, worlds need Legends)

And the Dhurfucks? The Dhurfucks are legends

The Dhurfucks are more legendary than the rest of their most recent adventuring party but to be fair, they are also at least 600 years older than most of those whipper snappers

The Dhurfucks are so legendary that the entire island continent they came from has been renamed to reflect What They Have Done

The Dhurfucks are a pair of dwarf twins, Hudran (he/him) and Guthrun (she/her)

Guthrun is a warlock of Freyr

Hudran is a passion cleric of Freya

They may or may not trade off on deities occasionally because if anyone can get in on some good twins bullshit, it is Freyr and Freya

Now, how do a pair of dwarfs get themselves legendary status in a world that, again, is magical and has had plenty of bullshit done before?

Well, you have to do your bullshit harder. With more vigour. And subvert every expectation of society, with precise timing so as not to get yourself killed

They’re in their 700s. They’ve got it down to an art, and are fucking hard to kill

The rest of their previous party have all retired now, settled down throughout the world and let themselves fade from the limelight (mostly) in the aftermath of their big godfight 130 years ago

The Dhurfucks wished them well, visit regularly, gamble for the paladin’s kids in bars, and kept right on fucking trucking

Because when a level 20 warlock/cleric combo roll up on your city and decide to have a god-off in the undead swamp outside, there isn’t a lot you can (or should) do about it

(Freyr leant divine energy for the god off, but the cleric won for obvious Destroy Undead reasons)

It is possible that before they reached around level 17 the Dhurfucks had to restrain themselves and behave, but again, since it’s been 130+ years since then, those days are a distant memory

These days, they are the only members of Former Hero Party Rolling Thunder (fuck the trucker convoy I had the name first and I’ll give it up when I die and not before) that everyone is completely sure is still alive because You Still Hear Stories

(The paladin specifically is assumed dead for tragedy reasons and one of her kids is a PC)

The Dhurfucks drink. They party. They have a pretty Cohen-the-barbarian relationship with gold; it’s very easy to come by when you’re an official Hero, and easy to spend out to every town you come across and boost the economy of bars, shops, and varying entertainment

They do not hold on to money, they are the siphon through which it passes

Sometimes they will be hired escorts. Sometimes they will be paid not to come to certain places or events. Sometimes they Planeshift and go bother all the other dimensions for a while and people quietly hope they have stopped

They have not stopped

They will not stop

They are simply putting the Fear of Dhurfucks into everyone else as well

Dwarfs live a long time, and they see no reason not to have as much fun as is physically possible for the entirety of that time, and their patrons? Well, they’re fertility gods

They’re all about the good times, and spreading the bounty of wealth

And if that includes a little showmanship, the occasional truly stupid stunt to see what will happen, that is all party of the bounty of life

They’ll fight dragons in their underwear. They’ll head butt beholders for fun. And if only one of them dies, the other has a way to bring them back and no one’s managed to get both at once yet

They’re adrenaline junkies but past a certain level actual danger and the ensuing adrenaline rush is pretty hard to come by, so the stories just get bigger and bigger, and they will egg each other on to make it worse

Half the stuff they try and do is actually impossible, and they fail

However, when what you are trying to do is “hold the moving island in place and make it move backwards”, even fucking trying leads to a great story, no matter how much everyone knows how it ends

It’s whether or not people noticed the heartbeat when the movement stuttered

The Dhurfucks are big, ridiculous personalities in dwarf sized glasses to give my players something to aspire to, and they’re so much fun to dot around the world

None of the players have asked about them yet

None of them know what is coming

The Dhurfucks will find them soon

After all, their dear little nephew is travelling with the party, and it’s been too long since their last visit. Poor kid was kidnapped 11 years ago