#it hurts so much jesus fuck dude. for what?? for literally what????

[isa-ah]

so fucking annoyed that ive cut so much out of my diet and I'm still having a severe reaction to something right now AUGHH

[sapphsorrows]

"people only pick on trans people because they're easy targets" yeah no shit they're easy targets just like flat earthers and antivaxxers. what they believe is absolutely fucking insane when you think about it for more than 2 seconds.

the idea of trans is no different from the idea of predestination.

predestination says only those who have been chosen by god will be saved and will go to heaven. how do you know you're predestined? there is literally no way to tell externally. there is no test you take to make sure you're predestined. you just have to put your faith in jesus and know, internally, in your heart, or whatever. funny how literally everyone who believes this also happens to be one of the ~chosen ones~.

the idea of being trans is that some people are born in the wrong body. how do you know you're born in the wrong body? there is literally no external way to tell, aside from maybe a few "am I trans?" quizlets (which as we all know are 100% accurate always and only made by professionals and not 12 year old furries). you just look inside, or whatever, and somehow "know" or you decide for yourself. then, based on your own self-reporting, which you have no way to externally verify, you expect people to bend to your will and you expect society to give you special privileges that no one else gets. no other man gets to pee in the ladies' or compete in women's sports but once you self-id as trans? well, right this way "ma'am", pay no mind to the women cowering in fear of you. their rights don't matter nearly as much as your feelings. funny how damn near everyone who believes in this also happens to be trans themselves, will a few outliers.

even "gender critical" transes like mr. blaire white and ms. buck angel will talk in hours upon hours of videos about the importance of gatekeeping and protecting women's spaces, yet /they/ demand the exact same privileges as every other "fake" (in their words) trans person on tiktok. do you seriously think "fake" trans people are going to listen to you and suddenly not go into the women's? No! are you fucking kidding me? it's so much easier to tell a buck or a blaire to fuck off than it is to a delusional fetishist who will 100% either hurt you or make a scene. there is no "true trans" because EVERYONE claims to be truly trans, everyone from bruce jenner to the "IT IS MA'AM" gamestop dude.

it fucking baffles me how youtube skeptics - people i used to admire, people who taught me how to think critically about shit - will spend all damn day dunking on flat earthers and creationists but will turn a blind eye to the trans cray and will even go as far as to support them. they think they're so above it all and they can't be fooled, but they have been, and I keep waiting for them to snap out of it - just like I waited for my own family to snap out of christianity - but they haven't.

if you seriously think a dress and some hormones and plastic surgery will make a man into a woman, you're insane, and you're no more crazy than a youtuber who thinks antarctica is an ice wall or a pastor who still prays to his "sky daddy". you have no right to make fun of these people for the insane shit they believe when you believe in this nonsense. you are quite literally the pot calling the kettle black.

and if you're one of those people who's like "oh well i know they're not actually women i just call them that to avoid hurting their feelings" im sorry but you're still in this cult, you're physically in but mentally out and the only way to really get out is to call a spade a spade, admit the emperor has no clothes, admit you were fooled just like me - just like all of us - and speak out against it.

[burningcheese-merchant]

burningcheese evidence part 2 because yes

I'm kind of foaming at the mouth right now, I'm not really going to be 100% coherent in this post, episode 6 has melted my brain and I need to cool off (also I have actual work to finish irl lololol)

Spoilers under the cut, don't want to be That Asshole

Also for the 1,000th time, it is perfectly okay and understandable if you do not like this ship, I'm not holding a fucking gun to anyone's head, I know it's not really canon or anything, just let me have my dark hero/villain relationship in peace

"Hey where's Golden Cheese? Is Golden Cheese awake yet? Can she wake up now? No? Why isn't she awake? I want her to wake up already, why won't she wake up already? It's implied that I've asked this question multiple times, when will someone give me the answer I want? I want her here, I want her attention, I want her to wake up already-"

He thinks so highly of her in his Joker-esque way. She's so strongggg. He knows she's strong. Why wasn't she strong before? This isn't like her, he knows that. He knows her. He knows she's strong. He wanted to see her be strong. What happened?

Wanting to straight up get high with her. Wanting to watch her let loose. Calling her a combination of "little thief" and "little bird", two pet names the BurningCheese community (spearheaded by yours truly) has had Burning Spice assign to Golden Cheese

"I KNEW SHE WOULDN'T DISAPPOINT ME" bro thinks the whole damn world of her and had faith she wouldn't let him down, look how fucking happy he is she broke out of prison. She's just like him right now fr fr

She's giving him precisely what he desired, which is a struggle. Which is a chase. Which is a hunt. Which is a FIGHT. Which is HER. HE WANTS TO HAVE FUN WITH HER.

Bro is literally SMELLING her everywhere dude. He's attuned to her. To her presence.

"Hey bring her back to me, I miss her. But I swear to God, if y'all hurt her, if y'all ruffle a single one of her feathers, I will KILL YOU, YOU GOT THAT? SHE'S MINE! ALL MINE! BRING HER TO ME ALIVE AND THAT'S IT! YOU GOT IT?!?!?!"

God the cute sing-song voice I can't right now. Jesus Christ, my guy. Calling to her like that, really??

Sniffing her out again because he's fucking deranged and obsessed with her. He's got her whole essence on lock. Tracking her down like a fucking bloodhound. He's hungry for her, he's STARVING, he's BARKING MAD THAT ANYONE IS TRYING TO GET IN HIS WAY

Little bird? Little bird?? Little bird??? LITTLE BIRD??????????

THE NAME I HAD HIM GIVE HER IN MY FIRST BURNINGCHEESE FIC, WHICH I WROTE DAYS BEFORE THIS FUCKER EVEN RELEASED? THE NAME ALL THE OTHER SHIPPERS HAVE HAD HIM CALL HER TOO? YOU CANONIZED THAT? YOU MADE IT REAL? YOU MADE THE PET NAME HE HAS FOR HER REAL??? I CAN READ THIS IN A DIALOGUE BUBBLE FOR REAL? THIS IS IN THE GAME FOR REAL? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW???

"How good it is to see you in one piece" SMILING AND LAUGHING BECAUSE HE'S GLAD SHE'S OK? TELLING HER SO TO HER FACE? MY GUY

Every step she takes that is wrong to others is right to him. Bust out of jail? Yes good I like that, I want it, I knew she wouldn't disappoint me. Lead him on, make him chase her, have them play hide-and-seek? Yes good, this is fun, I love the thrill of a chase, I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE I CAN FUCKING SMELL YOU I CAN FEEL YOUR FUCKING SOUL YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME LITTLE BIRD. Not taking his own goddamn power back? What kind of fool would make such a stupid, regrettable decisi- JK HE'S GLAD HE MADE THIS DECISION, THAT MEANS SHE CAN BE HERSELF AND KICK HIS ASS STILL, THIS IS WHAT HE WANTED, THIS IS EVERYTHING HE WANTED, SHE IS EVERYTHING HE WANTED! YES! (Also, one Freudian slip of several where he says it's HER Soul Jam and not HIS. He's already handing it over to her in his mind. Why? Why tho? Didn't he want it back? Guess not, huh? Guess having the pretty cheese lady beat his ass was too much of a turn-on, huh???)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL? HE SAYS THIS TO HER? WITH THAT FACE? WITH THAT TONE OF VOICE? SAYING SHE'S LOVELY? THAT WHAT SHE'S DOING IS LOVELY? CALLING WHAT THEY'RE DOING A "DANCE"? TELLING HER TO KEEP IT UP? TELLING HER HE'S THOROUGHLY ENJOYING THIS?

HE KEEPS TRYING TO REASON WITH HER. HE KEEPS TRYING TO TALK TO HER, TO GET THROUGH TO HER, TO GET IT INTO HER PRETTY LITTLE BIRD SKULL THAT HE'S RIGHT. THAT DESTRUCTION IS THE ONLY WAY. Why go to that trouble? Why does he give a single, solitary fuck what she thinks or feels? Why even bother speaking on the matter at all, if it's a fundamental truth in his eyes already? WHY KEEP TELLING HER TO FIGHT, TO KEEP PUSHING, UNTIL SHE UNDERSTANDS HIM? WHY DOES HE WANT HER TO UNDERSTAND HIM? WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK? And what's this about "and see the day"? Didn't you want to kill her, Burning Spice? Didn't you want to crush her, break her to pieces? Was that another Freudian slip there? Did your mask fall off for a second? DO YOU NOT ACTUALLY WANT HER TO DIE? DO YOU WANT HER TO LIVE, TO STAND UP AND FIGHT, JUST SO SHE'S FORCED TO RECKON WITH THE TRUTH OF YOUR PHILOSOPHY? WHY DO YOU CARE, MOTHERFUCKER? HUH? WHY???

"Stop teasing me" my brother in the Witches we ALL know you don't mean that. You've been BEGGING her to tease you the past two fucking chapters. Stop lying you dumb fuck, your face is giving it all away anyway

He's still clamoring for them to get fucking high together, honestly wtf is wrong with him? Drug-fueled combat, is that his kink? Also boy he sure has a vested interest in her enjoying their battle, doesn't he

She wants more? She wants more of him? She wants more of what he's got? She wants more fun? She wants him to strike a pose that clearly shows off his arms and chest more? YOU GOT IT BABYGIRL-

"You would destroy everything you have, just to get to me?"

"FUCK YES!!!"

My guy. My man. My cookie. My bro. My dude. Your mask fell off. Your mask fell off, my guy. You just told her point-blank that you'll kill people to get her. You'll blow up your own house to get her. You'll trash everything you ever owned to get her. You even have excuses ready to go to justify it. "Oh, it's all garbage, if you want it go ahead. This place ugly as fuck, I hate it, I wanted it gone anyway." Burning Spice. Burning Spice Cookie. You just admitted out loud that you are so obsessed with her that you will tear down your entire life for her. You just told her that to her fucking face, with a big, dumb grin. You've got the "happy" sprite equipped, buddy. You're HAPPY to tell her in no uncertain terms that all that matters to you is going after her. Fighting her. Getting to her. HER. ALL THAT MATTERS TO YOU IS HER!!!!!!!!! YOU JUST FUCKING SAID THAT SHIT OUT LOUD!!!! CAUGHT IN 4K AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN MAD!!!!! YOU'RE NOT EVEN DENYING THE ALLEGATIONS!!!! THIS CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU IN COURT, BURNING SIMP COOKIE!!!!!!

If he doesn't compliment her in some way, even indirectly, at least once per conversation, he will spontaneously combust. Pointing out how different and interesting she is, how she breaks the mold, how she defies the cycle of change and history even after it's already chewed her up and spat her out. Just say you want to put your dick inside of her, dude, please this is fucking embarrassing-

Ok nvm bro is straight up having the biggest, hottest orgasm of his entire fucking life right now, he's straight up speechless, he says like 3 coherent words to her after she awakens and then he's just looking like THIS and smiling so hard his damn is about to be split open by that ecstatic grin. Laughing his stupid, horny, obsessed, creepy ass off. Bro looks like he's CHEERING FOR HER in this shot, are you fucking kidding me? He's HAPPY she got back up, he's HAPPY she got a power boost, he's HAPPY she's kicking his ass, JUST LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL SMILE, HE'S SO IN LOVE IT HURTS

And last, but not least:

Was this really necessary lol

BurningCheese is canon, Burning Simp Cookie is down terminal, we can all fuck off home and die now, I will now be ascending to Heaven (for 5 seconds before God smacks me back down to Hell, because no way I deserve paradise for all of my bullshit lol), thank you goodbye

[atalana]

so i finally got the chance to read the book of bill! and man those journal 3 pages, i could write a million essays on those, but the principle one that i can't get out my head is the new insight on ford's whole fucked up paradigm of what love is

like, neither of the stan twins really know how to experience unconditional love, because they never really had it. their dad was constantly comparing the two of them and really just stamping down stanley's self worth at any given moment. and even for ford who was praised, he's not an idiot, he saw how stan got treated all the time, and their dad was very explicit as to why. ford's praise and attention hinged on him being the family genius who could make them all a lot of money, and he knew very well if he failed to live up to that, he would also lose his father's love

and you see this in stan in his desperate need for everyone to like him, but also how he doesn't really believe anyone ever truly could love him, so whenever he gets the chance with anyone he clings onto that relationship as tight as he can, terrified it's going to disappear at any second

ford, meanwhile. the more direct threat to him was the bullies and the people that made him feel lesser for being abnormal. and no kid likes feeling like that, we know it's a spike buried deep in his psyche, which gave him a reason for the dichotomy he ends up forming.

when he was a kid, people tended to fall into two categories - those who were really impressed with him and his potential, and those who saw him as a freak and wanted to drag him down for it. the love he got and the hate he got are directly related to both.

and as a result ford is constantly looking for people who will give him intellectual gratification (what he thinks love is), and he categorises everyone else as "unimportant obstacles in my way" (because that's how he thinks about those bullies, so their words won't hurt anymore)

stanley was the first category, until he sharply became the second

and splitting the world into those two categories makes him an absolutely horrible person! like, one hand yeah, you do have sympathy for ford bc that is straight up torture bill put him through and no one should have to experience it (and i do wanna make clear this is not a ford hate post, he does have good qualities im just interested in the bad rn)

on the other hand though, god, i'm always struck by just how hateful he is towards so many unimportant things (just one of many examples, christmas songs are fake and stupid bc rudolph didn't burn santa's workshop to the ground as revenge for ostracizing him like jesus christ dude)

or the bit where he sees one of stan's shitty product ads and considers calling him and pretending to be a cop just to scare him, because in ford's mind that's a punishment he deserves for daring to look so stupid while sharing ford's face

and it just drills in how much ford is not willing to see stan's side of this in any way, because what do you think would happen if you went through with that plan? don't you know stan's already scared enough? you saw him get kicked out, you saw the ultimatum that came with it, and hell thanks to the book of bill we know you were also scared to go home until you had something to show for it. he's trying his best, and you understood that once. but then stan throws your journal back in your face and you yell that you're giving him the chance to do the first worthwhile thing in his life.

everything he did to try and make something of himself, to try and prove himself worthy of literally any love at all, you didn't care about that. now he's in a position to help you, so of course he should just drop everything and obey your orders to the letter without question. that's the only way to redeem himself for getting in your way, why won't he take it?

by the time bill shows up ford felt fully justified in going "this isn't about me, and therefore it's stupid and unimportant and should be destroyed". and i know exactly why, it's because again you think intellectual gratification and love are the same thing and you're running low on both right now so you're trying to make up the difference by affirming how right you are in your goddamn diary, but right does not make you good or kind or wise

and that makes it kind of a self fulfilling prophecy, because loving you is hard, and the one person genuinely willing to do so unconditionally you're keeping at a very aggressive arms length. but you fall for bill so easily, because he understands how important you are, which must be love, and all of these other people worried about you just aren't smart enough to get it

and not even realising bill's lies could cure him of that one. hell, 30 years spent dimension hopping didn't cure it. when ford gets back he is still just as self righteous, and still willing to categorise dipper as "will give me intellectual gratification" and the rest of them as intrinsically less valuable

which is why dipper can't take the deal ford offered him. if he had, he would have turned out exactly like ford, stuck in his own echo chamber unable to tell the difference between love and praise

mabel says at one point in the comics that the reason the two grunkles are bad at looking after kids is because they still are kids, and that's a really accurate insight. that old wound cut so deep neither of them had the chance to actually move past their childhood, and discover what it was they were missing

stan never stopped wanting his brother back, but ford didn't realise that was what he needed too, until he saw mabel and dipper working as a team against bill. he's acknowledged his mistake in trusting bill before now, but "we used to be like that" is his first time acknowledging that his whole approach to people is wrong.

you've always had one source of unconditional love. you didn't need to be better than him to be worthy of it. and now you've got an entire new family, hopefully you'll realise that can come from multiple fronts

(and it's okay stan shall have his revenge for how you treated him by commiting just. so much tax fraud in your name)

[heavenlytouches]

Charles Xavier- NSFW! alphabet

⋆｡°✩

GN reader

<3 (NSFW)

TW-seggsual themes! MDNI!

Charles Xavier NSFW! alphabet for my thirsty souls <3

Young! Professor X

(Charles Xavier- SFW alphabet)

Charles Xavier

a = aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Charles would gently clean you up, moving you to lay on top of him, his slender fingers brushing your hair

He would be grinning like crazy, happy in love

He would make sure you're not hurt and you're ready to sleep, lulling you in his arms

"Jesus fucking Christ, you look so lovely.." (The Last King Of Scottland quote by James aaaaaaaaaa)

b = body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Charles loves his eyes and his slender fingers

Just the way he can make your legs shake with only his fingers makes him hard in an instant

About his eyes, I mean cmon, who doesn't like his eyes

On your body he loves literally everything but mostly small details only he can notice- birthmarks, small freckles, faint childhood scars or stretch marks- he's drunk in love

"You.. you are my private constellation~"

c = cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He likes to cum on your thighs, loving the way he can paint your soft flesh in white glaze

If you'r giving him head and you swallow, man would be in 7th skies

Charles doesn't like to make too much mess so thighs or mouth, if you like it, he likes it even more

"So perfect..and only mine..oh darling."

d = dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Of course this dude uses his powers, sometmes simply denying your orgasm, making you hold on a little longer

He would eat you out, his tongue flat on your body, your legs shaking

Charles would look at you, not breaking eye contact, his fingers against his temple, whispering sweet orders

"Shhh just a little longer baby, can yo do it for me huh?"

e = experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Charles had 1 or 2 partners before, too busy with college so he's not that experienced

He knows what he's doing thanks to his powers

Man can easily slip in your mind and discover your deep fantasies

"I know you like it, come on, let me hear you sweete."

f = favorite position (this goes without saying)

I feel like he would be a cowgirl or reverse cowgirl dude

This or doggy when he feels more dominant

Charles would love to just lie back and look at you on top of him, your expressions, your body and you in general, all your beauty shining

"A-ahh my love, yes, that's- fuck, that's amazing"

g = goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Charles would be serious most of the time but a joke or two never killed anybody

He loves your smile and your laugh so be sure he would slip something, not just his cock

His jokes are cheesy and romantic, he can't help it

"Gosh I love your smile hon.."

h = hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He's shaved, almost clean shaved

Charles takes care of his looks, wanting the best for you

His happy trail is light brown, ligther than his hair but gosh he's delicious

He doesn't really care about yours, if you like it clean shaven and shave- that's cool, if you just trim it- that's cool too

"Take a pic babe, it will last longer hm?"

i = intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He's all out, candles, roses, music, whatever you say

His lover deserves the best and Charles is here to deliver

He always makes sure you're fully relaxed, he wants you to enjoy as much as he does

"I thought you might like these~"

j = jack off (masturbation headcanon) Charles is still young but he doesn't necessarily jack off

I feel like he would rather ask you for help, liking your warm touch more than his hand

He would do it only if you were not in the mood and he needed release or if you were far away

Charles would find it too childish to do it that way

"Please...can you uh- help me with this?"

k = kink (one or more of their kinks)

Charles has praise kink. dot to dot.

Call him sweet nicknames and he's melting in your arms, moaning softly

He uses nicknames too, no matter if you're making love or not

His whimpering voice in your ear, slightly above a whisper is enough to make you come undone

"Yes sweetie, that's great, keep-a-aah"

l = location (favorite places to do the do)

Charles is a sucker for bedrooms, classic but practical

I feel like he would also be down for showers or bathtubs, warm water swaying your bodies as he's gently puming in you, kissing your body and holding you close

Sometimes he would even decorate baths with sweet smelling bubbles and rose petals to make it more romantic

"I got you angel, I got you-"

m = motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

He's a romantic man, not a sexual monster but

BUT

If you kiss his sweet spot on his neck or on his abdomen, he's already closing his eyes, his breath trapped in his toned chest

"What are you do- ohh, that's good~"

n = no (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He would never hurt you

Any kind of pain kinks, blood kink or so- nuh uh, red flag for him

Charles is a romance maniac and he wants the best for his partner

I feel like he'd be so scared for you he wouldn't even give it a try, shily changing the subject, holding you close instead

"I could never...darling why are you asking me that...?"

o = oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Charles likes both, giving and receiving

He's skilled, you get him love drunk as he's kissing you and hungrily licking, his soft blue eyes never leaving yours

His chest heaving, lips rosy and his eyes full of desire

If you'd go down on Charles, he would reassure you that you really don't have to if you don't want to

When you'd finally take his length into your mouth his hand would instantly clasp on his mouth, unholy sounds spilling from a man above you, his ocean eyes pressed shut, blush creeping on his freckled cheeks

"You taste so good dear, so so good."

p = pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He would slowly sink in your warmth, allowing you to get used to his length

Charles would gently guide his hips in you, his moves almost hypnotic

Maybe slow and all but he would hit all your weak spots, making you roll your eyes in pleasure

"You are so tight sweetie.. you will make me bust"

q = quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He could do quickies but only for your pleasure

I feel like Charles needs more of you to cum, he needs to feel you fully pressed on his body

Like I said, he wouldn't have nothing against it but only for his partner

"Come, quickly hon, we don't have a lot of time-"

r = risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

The only risk he'd take would be your shared college dorm, not caring about other students

He would take you like it's your own bedroom, moaning and whimpering with you, your bodies connecting

If you get caught- he can always delete their memory

"Shhh shh if they hear us we'll have problems..I think-?"

s = stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He can go for a few rounds, normally 2 or even 3

Charles is not 100% always capable to go multiple rounds, giving you everything he can

He would last for some time, always allowing you to cum first satisfied

"I just can't get enough of you haha."

t = toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He doesn't own any but if you do- he's not judgy

If you'd like to try some of them together, he would try it, even if it's only one-time try

Charles would tell you what he likes and what not, letting you explore more with him

"Oh love- what you got there?"

u = unfair (how much they like to tease)

He would looove to tease you, with his actions and touches but more with his words

Man is a walking teasing machine

He would always find a way to at least fluster you, knowing his way with words

Pressing his fingers on his temple, sweetly saying

"That dress is amazing sweetie, but why don't you take it off?"

v = volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Charles is all about moaning and whimpering

He's not ashamed of letting you know how good you make him feel

If you're in his dorm or perhaps a shower he would try to be quiet, placing a hand over his lips

That was until you said how beautiul he sounds

He just stopped shushing himself, he lets it all out

"A-aaah yes, oh my.. I-I love you so mmm-much"

w = wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

I feel like he's a boob/chest guy

Small, big, light, dark- he didn't care, he loves your chest

Charles would always place his hand on your chest, gently making small circles on your soft flesh

When going down on you he would pay special attention to them, kissing between your chest before going down, even sucking a small piece of your skin , leaving small purple flowers behind

"So so soft... they're great love"

x = x-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Charles would be a little above average, longer

He wouldn't be as girthy but he's long for sure, golden like the rest of his body besides his head, soft pink and gleaming with precum

Maybe not the thickest but he would know how to use his member

"What's wrong hun? Kitty got your tongue?"

y = yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Like I said, he's more of a romantic, not a sex animal

His sex drive is normal for a young man like he is, he would tell you teasingly or just show you he's in mood

Of course, if you're not in a mood he would NEVER make you do something you don't want to

"What about just relaxing and cuddles? Hm? Sounds great, doesn't it?"

z = zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Since Charles doesn't need sleep, he would just hold you until you both calm down

He would make sure you're alright, clean you up and most likely put on a movie so you could relax

If you'd fall asleep, he would hold you on his body, his heart beating steadily- thinking how could he get so lucky with you

"Sleep dear, rest. You need it shh."

Phewww, this is a long onen. This was cutesy filth; I hope you enjoyed it, hungry lovelies! I write for multy fandoms, just ask and remember, requests are always welcome!

I love you guys so much

El <3

(all images were made by: El via canva & paint)

[nicherayyy]

ok. i have the most amazing idea. child reader, but they're from south park and hung around stan's group all the time before moving. (the list of crimes is astronomical, just like cartman and them). basically la squadra and south park! child! reader. bonus points if they have immortality like kenny

Anon you are genius!! And South Park is literally one of my fav shows

TW: cursing, mention of really disturbing crimes and cannibalism (not from reader's side ofc) but it's South Park so there's nothing to be shocked with

La Squadra x Child! South Park! Reader

No one in La Squadra has any idea how they ended up in this situation.. with you.. the most feral 8 year old they ever saw.

Risotto def didn't expect this, I mean, you're just a child, what can go wrong?

Everything.

Everything goes wrong.

At first he didn't even want to tell you about the whole assassin thing. Cuz you know, you're a literal child. You actually found out by accident, finding some random documents on Risotto's desk.

And the last thing Ris wanted was to scare you. He was about to explain himself and that whatever they do, they have no intentions to hurt you while you just listened, like.. it didn't even bothered you?

The only thing you said was:

"Dude I don't really care what you do for a living"

The poor man was too stunned to speak.

Prosciutto HATES your cursing habit. Sometimes he thinks you're an old sailor that saw some things, not a child. You've got a bigger vocabulary than the whole La Squadra combined, I'm not even joking.

He tried to make you stop cursing, he really did.

Pros, in fact, didn't succeed.

"Oh fuck"

"Language"

"Shut up old fart"

"What did you just say??"

Yeah, he can't do this anymore.

Poor Pesci is terrified. How can a child be like.. this??! Children must be naive and innocent, but you?? Ohhh you're the other case.

You actually find it funny that Pesci is so scared of your stories about your old times in South Park. Pls stop traumatising him.

And you're just telling this at random times, which scares him even more.

"Oh, that's a nice chili, I remember my friend ate something like that once"

"Oh.. was it with beef too?"

"No, it was with his enemy's parents"

"WHAT"

Can I just say no one ate chili that day?

Illuso thinks it's amusing, really.

"I'll pay 200 lira if you go and say all curse words you know to Formaggio right now"

"400 lira and we have a deal"

But I won't lie, your stories are scaring him sometimes.

"You know I died once"

"Eh??"

Sometimes he thinks you saw more than him.

Formaggio really likes your stories. But one small issue, he thinks that most of your stories are a joke. Because how can an 8 year old saw so many disturbing things? Of course, it must be just your imagination.

Oh how wrong he was.

"I once was arrested for starting a Peruvian flute band with my friends"

"Haha, yeah, nice"

"And the government sent us to Peru"

"Of course, I believe you"

Actually, Melone is more interested in all your "I died once" thing. Like how?? You just rise from the dead?

"Dude, chill, my friend literally does the same"

So there's another immortal child?? What are you two, Jesus??

"I don't know it's because of some shitty cult I guess?"

"What cult??"

But anyway, he's interested in you in scientific way and doesn't care much about your little crime stories.

Ohhh, Ghiaccio and you are buffing every day. Morning, day, and night.

You just take any opportunity to piss him off. One day for example you pronounced your words wrong (he still remembers that).

Or you can start an argument with him about anything. No matter how small it is. The whole team now tries to distract you so they won't hear Ghiaccio's screams.

"Would you ever stop being so annoying?"

"I don't know, would you ever stop being such a bitch?"

And there it goes.

[tbhimnoteasyonmyself]

15 Day BL Challenge - DAY 14

Heyooo~~~ This was supposed to come out yesterday but I was busy, so... Sorry djsdksjdsk

Top 5 Saddest Boys

Let's do this bottom to top, shall we?

Number 5: Pete (Kinnporsche)

He barely cries, it's true, but to assume this man is fine is to ignore his entire history... I mean, he seems to cope relatively well, but what can really be inferred about a man who doesn't even think he's human? Kinda fucked up, kinda really damn depressing, kinda gonna throw myself off a bridge.

Number 4: Gaipa (Moonlight Chicken)

This list would be meaningless if he wasn't here. I mean... Imagine:

Your father died not long ago, your beloved dilf doesn't want you back and has a boytoy now, your mom just fucking died.

Number 3: Ray (Only Friends)

You thought it was gonna be Sand, right? Or Nick? SIKE!

Ray lost his mom, thinks his dad doesn't like him, thinks his friends hate him, is an alcoholic, was in love with a guy that didn't like him back for YEARS, nearly lost the only guy that maybe could help him be better bc he's overemotional and easily aggressive... Cried like a fucking baby to his therapist about all of this...

That's rough, buddy.

Number 2: Joke (Jack&Joker)

They made War cry every single episode. If you tell me Joke wasn't FUCKING SAD the entirety of this series, idk what to tell you.

His father hated him, he couldn't pass his exams, he's was a wanted criminal, he cheated an innocent kid, he went to jail for 5 whole years, the kid hated him, he gets beat up constantly, everyone around him is trynna use his skills to get somewhere, his actions keep having terrible consequences, people are trying to murder his grandma, his adoptive daughter nearly died, his boyfriend broke up with him, ppl tried to play the SAW films games with him... Like... OOf, give this man a break, will ya?? He's tired! Damn!!

No wonder he's always desperate and crying, I'd be too!! Shit!!

Number 1: Non (DFF)

I don't even have words... Like, I wish I could start somewhere about how much this boy suffered but... I really fucking can't. So allow me to quote my past self listing everything he went through (with a few additions):

Poverty

Isolation

MENTAL ILLNESS(ES?)

Severe Bullying

Guilt-Tripping

Intellectual Property Theft

Being Framed for Mistakes He Didn't Commit

Rich Assholes Asking for Money

A Money Laundry Pyramid Scheme

Owning Money to THE FUCKING MAFIA

Multiple Threats to His Life

Police Interrogations

2 suicide attempts (AT LEAST)

Falling from a Motorcycle

LITERAL Textbook Grooming

Twitter Revenge Porn

A Terrible Break-Up

A Kidnap

FORCED LABOUR

Physical Assault

Overwork

(Probably) Forced Substance Abuse

Negligence

DEATH BY EXHAUSTION

I literally cannot think of anyone that can compete with this boy, like he went through what JESUS never did. He deserved to see all those ppl die.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: Kenta (PitBabe); Vegas, Big & Porchay (Kinnporsche); Alan (Moonlight Chicken) & Nick & Sand (Only Friends)

Tony threw that matcha onto Kenta's face and made him cry for thinking the man who raised him loved him as a child. Plus his teenage crush left him behind and went and fell in love with a rapist. Man just had to be mentioned.

Vegas' mom died god knows how, he was raised by an abusive dad who gave him extreme self-esteem issues and a masochist kink as coping mechanism and then the guy was killed in a coup you guys DIDN'T EVEN WIN and now he's forced to obey the people he hates the most in life, he's got no power and no parents, a brother to take care of and the compensation is a bf with as much mental illness and trust issues as him. Congratulations.

Big didn't cry but living your entire life to serve a man who didn't give a shit about you only to die protecting the boytoy he suddenly promoted to husband gotta hurt as hell, dude.

What would you do if there was a child right in front of you? Apparently, to every single adult in Chay's life, the answer was "lie to him", for some fucking reason. His uncle lied, his brother lied, his ex-bf lied, his ex-bf's dad lied, everyone is a liar (and a thief) and Chay's trust issues might just be worse than VegasPete's, not even joking.

Alan... Ah, Alan... I feel like not having any character played by First in this post would be a dishonour to his name, right? sdkjskdjskdjs Man cries so much... And Alan is the epitome of this, I feel like. Not saying I like most things he did during the series but I get him, I mean... It was a long ass breakup and it seemed like it came kinda out of the blue. I'd be fucking miserable too.

Nick kinda did it to himself, I mean, you don't see a player and think you can wife that, but hey... We all make mistakes and ig that mixtape can be worth some good money if he sells it to Atom, so... ✨Silver linings✨!

I feel like Sand... He's just like Nick, he put himself in that situation sort of. Hence not making the top 5. Nevertheless, he did cry and cry and be sad, so... Shoutout to him, my precious little terrible singer <3.

[kwnnys]

kyle, kenny and tweek hcs w a reckless reader? reader is always coming up with dumb shit to do and constantly getting hurt bcs of it 😋😋 g/n reader pls!!

— kyle, kenny, and tweek w a reckless reader!

hcs : g/n reader a/n : aghh sorry this is so short and rushed 😓😓 I have better works on my page trust. btw this can be seen as both romantic or platonic

— kyle broflovski

he'll treat you like cartman but a lil softer.

always the first one to shut down your stupid ideas.

doesn't even bother asking how you come up with them and just straights up 'no.'

"guys what would jumping out of a car feel like?" "don't even think about it."

you always ignore his warnings, though. and you end up severely regretting it.

no matter how many times you get hurt, though. he'll always be the one to patch you up and make sure you're ok.

but he would scold the shit out of you, saying things like "I told you so!" or "you just never listen" while you roll your eyes.

basically your mom friend.

you joke around alot while hes cleaning your cuts/wounds and hes just 😐 he hates you sm (but not really 🤫)

hes a bit harsh, but he just wants to keep you safe and sound :D

— kenny mccormick

mixed feelings

on one hand, hes always down to do some crazy dumb shit. but on the other hand, he really doesn't wanna die again.

he'll try suggesting more.. safer ideas that are just as fun.

but more than so often you just end up coming up with another dumb idea from it.

he ends up going "fuck it" and going through it with you.

surprisingly you're the only one who got hurt, which hes sorta relieved about?

kenny is probably really experienced with patching up scars and wounds, so thats a score!

you guys would laugh and joke about the incident as he cleans your cuts, but he'd still subtly scold/tease you.

"told you that was a bad idea" "oh fuck off kenneth"

—tweek tweak

you're literally going to kill this man with how much anxiety you're causing him

freaks out and immediately turns down your ideas

"d-dude?! are you crazy?! you're totally gonna die!"

most of the time he doesn't tag along with you, but when he does hes constantly screaming and warning you.

you reassure him that you're gonna be fine, and that you totally wouldn't get hurt,

which was a lie.

when he saw you limping your way over to him he freaked out and almost screamed.

immediately rushed over to you and bombarded you with questions

kept scolding to you and muttering "oh jesus.." under his breath while he looked for a first aid kit.

you can feel his hands slightly shaking as he cleans your wounds and you can't help but feel slightly bad

refuses to let you go out till the next day

you insist you're fine but he doesn't believe you, so you end up sleeping over at his house.

[jade-kyo]

Non-Red vs Blue fans guess the fake fact: results!

Find the og post here

Alright time to finally review the results! Correct answer is at the bottom of this post for those not interested in all of the results and explanations!

So the most highly voted option at 23% was Elijah Wood which I’m sorry to say is incorrect! Elijah Wood was a voice actor in the series. He played the role of Sigma! What this big name actor is doing in a random web series I have no idea but it’s still one of the wildest things to me.

Now the aspirin overdose comes in with 17.3% and got mentioned a lot in the notes and it is also incorrect. However I will admit to some poor wording on my part because it was actually an allergic reaction not an overdose. That’s a genuine oopsies on my part 😅

Florida sinking into the ocean gets a 10.1% and is also incorrect! The state of Florida does in fact sink into the ocean and it’s implied this was to cover up the disappearance of Agent Florida (who is also the guy who dies from the aspirin)

The gay guy, who’s name is Donut btw, becoming Jesus comes in with 8.3% and is in fact very real. He even walks on water. It was wild and tbh I barely remember it cause it’s from a season I dislike but it was too wild not to include.

With 7.2% I can say for sure that the giant killer robot is indeed dressed up in cute hats! Specifically a sombrero! Also the robots name is Freckles.

CPR for a bullet wound in the head gets 6.7% and is in fact considered effective medical care. Now I will say this later gets retconned and it turns out the guy didn’t actually get shot in the head the bullet just grazed him and his armor locked up making them all think he was dying- hence the choice of word being considered. The characters fully believe it but the CPR did not actually save him cause he wasn’t even hurt to begin with.

The crazy love triangle comes in with 4.7% and is also very canon and is exactly as it’s said. There’s literally just this insane love triangle for like two seasons- honestly the only love triangle plot I ever enjoyed.

With a solid 4% I can say that there is in fact canon mpreg! Hurray? Idk man this one’s exactly as it sounds. Dude got knocked up by an alien.

In last place with 2.5% of votes is the main character dying repeatedly. This is also incorrect. First off this guy is named Church which very funny on its own. Secondly it’s actually one of the first running jokes in the series how much this dude dies. Until it’s not a joke 🫠 also a few people pointed out RvB doesn’t have a main character and while I agree I felt it was simpler just to call Church the main character for this poll since it’s designed for people who haven’t seen RvB and I would argue that the majority of the narrative centers around Church even when he’s not there.

And now for the correct answer, coming in at third place with 16.1% is Caboose is god!

Now I will fully confess to being sneaky with this one. This is actually a joke made within the series but it is not true at all. Caboose is not actually god and the platypus is just that fucked up. I knew nothing I could come up with would be able to match the absurdity of this series so I decided to twist a few words so that way everything seemed equally fucked up.

And that concludes the poll! I will now leave you off with a few honorable mentions that did not make the Final Cut:

They have a Spanish speaking robot. None of them speak Spanish.

He’s a ghost but not actually a ghost but actually a highly advanced computer program

Woman has mega beef with an AI copy of her dead mom

The highly advanced computer program can’t aim for shit

The first 5 seasons were revealed to actually be a prolonged torture session

Dude chases his dead gf through multiple iteration of the same memory

Woman developed a sibling like bond with an AI copy of her extremely neglectful father

[punkascas]

okay, so i don't want to, like, Start Something or whatever so we're doing a barely-tagged, separate post. i also realise this is mostly pointless because others have already said what i'm going to say, and did it better, with far more grace, and sound less like an asshole than i do.

but jesus louise helen christ, the weird fucked up ideas people have around abuse and personal responsibility and the effect of trauma. like as an abuse and csa survivor, it genuinely alarms me to read posts that use arguments i remember my dad making. like, i'm assuming most of this rhetoric comes from gen z — maybe that's inaccurate; maybe that's unfair. but right now i'm very much Having A Moment Here that the kids aren't alright.

no 22-year-old should be repeating the same awful, manipulative, logically and morally bankrupt justifications for violence and torture my dad says. like literally what's in the first two episodes of ofmd s2 is torture.

i love ed; he's an amazing character. taika is hella wowza top marks acting him. but like.

like.

torture, my dude. physical and psychological. trauma. harassment. that we see the lasting effects of through s2.

just. i. what??

so here we go, okay. have too many, zealously highlighted screenshots so i can dig into details.

cut to save your dashes. content warning for discussions of abuse and trauma (if that wasn't obvious), as well as spoilers for ofmd s2.

re: ed knew what he was doing was wrong and felt guilty about it at the time:

we have no on-screen, textual examples of this. not in the dialogue; not in the acting; not in the blocking; not in the cinematography or music. nothing.

knowing the crew are overworked and kind of traumatised by all the violence, ed bribes them with cake. because, as we know, cake like tea fixes everything. only ed wasn't even with them to share in the eating of the cake. he made izzy responsible for that. he doesn't give the crew a break; he doesn't choose less ethically-fraught prizes to hunt. there is not one scene of ed talking directly to the crew — until he points a gun at each of them.

we see ed crying (and drinking, and rhino horn-ing [way to help further extinction, man]) but it's always paired with shots or flashbacks that reference stede. ed is still all up in his feelings about stede, and ed confirms this when he tells frenchie the myth about albatrosses never needing to return to land. ed cannot go back, does not want to go back, because he was rejected. (like, stede is literally landed gentry, come on!) all he wants to do instead is stay at sea committing to this unhinged version of unstable, sadistic piracy.

but okay, okay. say we ignore all of that. let's say ed does feel sorry and guilty and ashamed of his actions. he knows what he's doing is wrong and unfair and cruel. that it's harming others. that it's particularly harming the dude that ed has, for better or worse, basically spent his life with (izzy; i mean izzy). ed… still continues to do the things! how far off are we at this point from the definition of malicious? you know action x hurts person b and then you do it anyway. is that honestly a better, happier, more ethically defensible reading of the character?

re: the crew didn't mutiny because they love ed despite his violent, sadistic actions.

mutinies were a thing, yes. but both historically and in the world rules established by the show, mutiny is disincentivised through threats, distraction via extra work, and corporeal punishment. we see both ed and izzy use all three of these to try to prevent the crew from disobeying orders. they didn't wait until the storm and izzy shooting ed to mutiny because they understood or sympathised with ed; they took the chance to kill him then because that was the first real opportunity they'd had. the reward finally out-weighed the risk given that ed was going to kill them all that night anyway.

again, we have no scenes, no dialogue, no visual or audio cues to tell us that the crew understands or loves ed — excluding izzy, obviously. fang could also be on that list, if you take into account his personality and his behaviour both in s1 and later in s2 in the fishing boat scene. but in the first two episodes, we only see the crew show trauma responses around ed. they talk about him but almost never to him. and when they do have a direct conversation with ed, it is either confrontation or head down, submissive, "of course, blackbeard; anything you say" placating. i'm so baffled where the show points to any sign of love from the crew towards ed before his "death".

re: ed can't be held responsible because he was suicidal.

uhm. no. hard no. a harder no than stede's brazilian cherry wood mast. fucked up people do fucked up things but part of being an adult is owning your fucked-upped-ness and not fucking up others while you work on unfucking yourself. children, children are not fully responsible for the impact of their actions on others when they're deep in their feelings, especially if they're feeling their feelings as a trauma response. this is because literally their brain cannot do that kind of control. it doesn't have that software pack installed yet. ed does have all the adult updates installed, even if he isn't running them at that moment. he has no right to take out his feelings on other people: to maim them, to psychologically torture them, to abuse them, to work them to exhaustion. to kill them. he does not get a free pass to do suicide by abused employees. (like suicide by cop but more indirect and passive and harmful.) talk about passive aggressive.

secondly, ed is not just passively suicidal and happy to find new risks that might end his life. he is very purposefully taking izzy with him (see: literally removing the bits of izzy that would help let him walk away from ed; the fact that ed becomes actively suicidal only once he thinks izzy is dead; the whole keeping izzy's corpse in front of his and stede's beach shack i mean inn — the codependence, she runs deep). ed is also putting the crew through the same risks, the same isolation, the same danger. both stede and izzy agreed that ed had gone full scorched earth policy. you don't get forgiven for the murder part of a murder-suicide pact just because of the suicide part. not to mention that no one (once again, you could potentially argue izzy as an exception) was good on a murder-suicide pact with blackbeard.

and then to say the crew felt guilty? i assume i'm misreading that. the crew. felt guilty. for ed's actions. that is, if not victim blaming and if not darvo, a very close inbred cousin of them. like hapsburg jaw inbred close.

re: ed healing and his view of himself as a monster.

to heal means, in part, to accept responsibility for the harm you've caused, whether it was intentional or not. it means making amends. it means building or rebuilding relationships where possible. it means putting the other person or persons' feelings and boundaries and need for safety above your desire for absolution or forgiveness. it means working through your own guilt and shame and anger (or whatever drove you to act the way you did) in a separate space, not with the people you hurt, but someone who can be a step removed, more impersonal and objective to help you reflect and face hard truths as needed. i say this as both someone involved in activism and community reparations and as an abuse survivor who has done nearly 30 years of therapy learning this in order to not hurt people. it's not ed's fault he's fucked up just like it isn't my fault i am. but it is on me, like it is on anyone, to make sure i limited as much as possible the harm i can cause to others because i learned some awful but very effective tricks at a young age to survive.

ed does not really do any of the above. he doesn't say "sorry". he speaks in generalised language. he complains about the cat bell (which he seems to wear only for one day, given the implied timeline with lucius and pete's engagement). i have a model ship on a stand that says "this is a safe space ship" as a joke because i work for the government and have written press releases that sound just like ed's "apology". where you take no responsibility and encourage "the culture" to move on.

so, really, my question becomes: ed sees himself as a monster. in s1, we had enough balance between ed's current actions and his referenced past actions to see this belief as likely untrue. in s2 though — i mean, is it? is that an unfair or inaccurate belief? i can understand how carrying that belief can get in the way of ed's growth and eventual healing but like. from an outside perspective of ed-the-fictional-character. he's not a "good" person. he's capable of and has done and continued to do horrible, cruel things. ethically, can you argue with that statement about him?

re: ed trying to destroy relationships because of his self-worth issues and instead the consequences of his actions proving that he's loved.

this is the point that made me go: right, no, i need to respond. i need to say my piece about this. izzy and the crew suffering ed's violent tyranny and then sticking around on the revenge anyway afterwards is not a sign of love. it is not showing love to bear pain for someone. it not showing love to let someone mistreat you, threaten you, hurt you, maim you. their actions are selfish and done to give them feelings of power and control over you. lying back and thinking of england to get through it is not love. it is absolutely a survival technique. but it is not love when you do it at the expense of yourself or others.

i also disagree that ed was trying to push people away or break his relationships with others. we know from s1 that ed is fairly blasé about whether crew members die. again, we don't see any friendly or intimate exchanges between ed and any of the crew to imply any kind of relationship there beyond "tools who accomplish ed's goals". the one exception, as always, is izzy. and as previously stated, ed seems bound and determined, in a very conscious way, to bring izzy into death with him. ed does everything in his power to make izzy want to kill ed, or at least agree that it's best if ed dies, and to want to kill himself so ed doesn't have to die alone. that isn't ed breaking that relationship; it's making it permanent in a really fucked up shakespearian way. the only relationship we see ed waffle between wanting to keep and wanting to push away is stede. after his corporate "apology" and the fishing trip with fang, all of ed's dialogue is with stede and a little bit with zheng until izzy's death scene. the crew loving ed just isn't a thing, at least not one we're shown. not from either side. ed's relationships are with stede and kind of, sort of with izzy (because he does manage to, if not fully break, do some major damage to that).

love did not save ed. ed wanting to live, because stede came back, because he didn't want to jump off hornigold's cliff in the first place, saved ed. izzy saved everyone else.

so yeah: that's it; that's the post. the rhetoric that abuse is love or that abuse can be "cured" with love or that trauma isn't lasting and serious and has impacts on people's daily lives is just. wild. wild.

and terrifying.

my dad was born in the 40s. why is anyone born in the 80s or later still defending this mindset? it honestly, truly freaks me out.

guess it's good i have a fucking therapy appointment on monday.

[morganski-19]

As promises @dreamercec and @croatoan-like-its-hot, a snippet of the next part of Chills Right to the Marrow.

A beach ball makes contact with his face. Literally stopping his thoughts.

“Dude, get in here already,” Lucas yells. Having a smug look on his face. Of course he was the one to throw it, anyone else and they would have missed.

“Seriously,” Mike adds. “What’s taking you so long?”

Dustin rolls his eyes. “I’m coming, Jesus.”

Almost immediately as he steps into the pool, someone jumps on his back and shoves him under the water. He shoves them off, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “What they fuck?” He pushes Mike back.

Mike is laughing, not regretting anything. Lucas and Will join in. Max making a big show of laughing while sitting on the edge of the pool. Only El is trying to hide it, but even she is giggling into her palm.

Dustin rolls her eyes and swims to the deep end in protest. They all groan and continue to make fun of him. Lucas chasing after him to try and drag him back. It’s probably the first time in months that Dustin’s smiled this much. His cheeks hurt and his throat is dry from yelling so much. But he doesn’t care. They were back. Different, but back.

[corporatefrog]

꒦‧₊ ꒷ HEADCANNONS: team craig reacting to yn being in the hospital✧.*

✧.* tags: superhero au, college au ✧.* Characters: tolkien blacl, craig tucker, tweek tweek, clyde donavan, jimmy valmer a/n: I got around to sharing team craig! i'm so happy everyone liked the previous one and I hope you enjoy this one just as much!

masterlist

Craig

He’d act very apathetic about the whole situation when you told him

“I’m going to be in the hospital for the next week, I got into an accident during a villain attack and hit my head pretty bad.”

“Oh wow. That’s a bummer.”

“Yeah, can you grab my homework for me?”

“Eh… I’ve got some things going on tomorrow.”

He doesn’t want to see you hurt 

So he just avoids going

As long as he doesn’t physically SEE you, you can’t really be hurt, right?

Clyde drags him to the hospital to visit you 

After that he’s visiting everyday until you’re discharged 

Then sits with you to pass the time since you can’t look at screens until you’re healed

Definitely shows you his astronomy books

(lowkey very happy to have someone who listens to his interests instead of dealing with south park’s bullshit of the day but he’ll never say it)

Tweek 

Let’s be honest we ALL know what he’d do

And it’s not sit down, have a cup of tea and wait to for you to be discharged

He’s running into the automatic door before he can open

Probably ends up in the hospital WITH you by the time he makes it to your room

“WHAT HAPPENED”

“I literally texted you”

“I tried to read it but my hand wouldn’t stop shaking so I decided to get here as fast as possible but then my bike hit a curb so I had to run all the way over.”

“Jesus fuck dude, you need this bed more than me.”

“NO DONT GET UP YOUR BLOOD WILL GO EVERYWHERE”

“Im literally being discharged rn”

You being hurt means that HE can get hurt

Starts showing up to EVERYTHING covered in bubble wrap

He looks like that kid from home alone except with bubble wrap 

Craig blames you

“Bro my car was literally crushed by the fucking coon how is that my fault”

“You didn’t coon-proof your car and now Tweek’s going to be freaking out for the next month”

Tolkien

Probably the only one with a NORMAL reaction

You send him a text that you were in the hospital and he says he’ll be over once he’s out of class

Real normal stuff

Normal until he gets to the hospital

You can’t tell it’s him through the balloons and flowers and stuffed animals

“Why does the bear have a card that says ‘We’ll beat Cancer together’?”

“I didn’t know what was wrong so I grabbed one of everything.”

You were knocked out when a piece of debris hit your head during a villain attack

You need to go back to work to make money for rent?

Nah he covered your rent for the month. And utilities. And filled your fridge.

What’s the point of being rich if you can’t help your friends when they’re hurt? 

He’d do it for anyone!

(anyone meaning you and butters. Maybe kyle if he’s in a good mood. Only redeemable souls in the whole town)

Clyde

Acting like you’re DYING the moment you tell him

You could literally have a sprained ankle and he’s sobbing like you’ve got a day to live

“I know i wasn’t always the best friend in the world but I care about you so much!”

“That’s great clyde, can we talk about this tomorrow though?”

“You’re so strong. Acting like everything’s okay.”

Watching the area around you like a HAWK for the next month incase there are any dangers

What if you get hurt again??

Wants you to stay home for a month after you get out of the hospital 

Stands in front of your door, holding the doorknob so you can’t open it inward

But the door opens outward

So you send him falling onto his ass and start walking to class with a sobbing clyde crawling across the floor behind you

He means well though

Jimmy

Finally, the perfect audience to try his new hospital set with

He doesn’t really like hospitals since his comedy isn’t usually appreciated 

He’ll call you everyday though! And tell you everything that’s happening with your friends

It’s like having your own personal sitcom that calls you everyday

“And then craig threw his ice cream at cartman’s face and made him the true mint chocolate chip.”

“PFFFT! God i love your commentary”

“What can i say, you’re a great audience!”

“Can you just call me everyday and recap the day?”

“Wow, my mom always told me i’d be famous but this is getting a little wild”

Even if he’s worried, he’s not going to say anything.

He wants to boost your mood since he knows hospitals have rancid vibes

He’s the first one to visit you once you’re back at home and he’s got PAGES of recaps to share with you

[ochrearia]

Welcome to I use promises of RGBFverse drabbles to convince Keyy and Karl to finish their BF refs. Keyy did it so this was the result LEL

BFs in this drabble: fc!BF (Boyf, Keyy's), Yourself

“So… you been doing well lately?” Jesus christ, how was he being awkward with his literal self? Every time one of them came to visit his mysterious and intimidating front only crumbled more. But what the fuck was YS supposed to say? Out of all of them he felt like he’d talked to Boyf the least. And it was still begrudgingly anxiety-inducing to talk to him after that one issue. It didn’t feel very fair, the other had done his best to apologize. YS was trying his best not to be so nervous. Guilt still liked to taunt him though.

“I didn’t take you for the kind of guy to try too hard. That’s what my Pico is for.” Boyf thought teasingly, looking at him with a smirk. “Yeah, better than when you’d first popped up in my mirror at least. Still a lot of things to work on. But, better.”

“That’s good then.” YS replied, rubbing his thumbs over each other awkwardly. Fuck, he really was trying too hard, and it was painfully obvious. So much for giving the vibe he knew everything. None of them were going to respect him when he was acting like a bumbling idiot. “Sorry, not really sure how to hold a conversation when I’m not giving out advice.”

“Well that’s obvious. Most of us aren’t extroverts anyways. Talking isn’t really my thing either. You can hear why.”

YS sighed, rubbing his arm with a hand. Embarrassing and nervous. Was this really what these idiots reduced him to? He used to be commanding and tough. Scaring people into listening to him. Who the fuck was going to listen to an awkward and anxious slenderman wannabe?

“Dude, you’re thinking so hard I can hear the sparks flying out of your skull. Chill out, I don’t bite! Well, I don’t bite mostly. Different story for a person named Pico.” Boyf grinned, seemingly elated that Yourself was almost scared of him.

YS narrowed his eyes, knowing he was being messed with and there was little he could do to contest it. It wasn’t often that he found himself wordless but one of the biggest situations he’d had while the other BFs were around involved him going completely nonverbal in the first place. Maybe he just didn’t want to mess up again. It wasn’t easy to undo the ideas a toxic thought could put into your head. Always in the back of his mind, that being around the others was only hurting them. Being originally rejected by your own selves had to be an entire can of worms he was going to have to unpack eventually…

A frown settled on Boyf’s face as YS continued to think in silence. He turned to face his body properly in the taller’s direction, tilting his head a little before extending his arms after a few seconds. “Come here you dumbass.”

Yourself blanched. “Uh- huh? Why?”

“Because I am not as stupid as everyone thinks and I can recognize the fallout of my bad choices. You’re still nervous around me because of what I said and I don’t want that anymore. I’m showing you it’s okay. Now get over here.”

YS’s skin prickled with regret at the first sentence, remembering with a static shock that that was another thing with this instance. Still accidentally hurting them even if it was mild. Though since when did he have such a high standard, believing he had to be absolutely perfect? Oh right, after she’d-

He was pulled into a hug. He’d taken too long to respond, again. He tended to do that lately, so lost in thought with things out of his control. Boyf was determined though, choosing. Making his own decisions. Good for him. Though it was still puzzling for YS as to why Boyf was choosing to forgive him, considering he hadn’t even forgiven himself for still existing.

“I know the magic used to let me hear your thoughts is gone this time, and you’re just using the magic you have to hear me. But I can take a guess as to what you’re thinking right now. Shut up, by the way. I don’t care about your ‘advice’ on how to handle my opinion of you. Mainly because it’s fake. You clearly still think I hate you when I never actually did.” Boyf continued, wrapping his arms around the other’s back tightly. “Obviously an apology wasn’t enough to convince you. I get that, I see more value in actions too. Saying something is one thing, especially if the person saying it doesn’t change their actions. Goes both ways.”

Yourself sighed. “When did you idiots get so smart?”

“None of us are smart. We just know each other because we are each other.”

Well, he couldn’t exactly argue with that. YS let himself succumb to the hug, returning the sentiment of wrapping his arms around Boyf’s back. Warm- oh, stop it brain. What the hell was his deal? He really was getting incredibly soft and it was the fault of his other selves. But… ah, there was just something so nice about hugs. Getting them and giving them too. He let himself tighten his grip slightly, leaning his face into the other’s shoulder. Hah, at least this instance wasn’t completely short. Still shorter than him but not as much as some of the others. He wouldn’t have to break his neck to lean in closer.

“Has anyone told you that you give really good hugs, actually?” Boyf thought out suddenly, leaning heavily into the hug as if he hadn’t been the one instigating it. “I was supposed to be comforting you, why can I only think to get closer? This is some weird magic shit isn’t it?”

“I sure hope not.” YS blurted honestly. “I don’t want people to like me because of magical persuasion. Almost as devastating to me as doing damage when I just want to help…”

“I won’t joke about that again.” Boyf decided on the spot. “You commit to remembering the things that make me uncomfortable. It’s clear that being rejected and liked for invalid reasons is something that makes you uncomfortable. Got it.”

“Talk about trying too hard.” YS deflected, which probably wasn’t the greatest choice of response. Nothing about this was what he was used to. People, caring about him? He was built to care about people. “But… thank you. I’m not used to this.”

“We’ve all turned into a weird family of self-brothers, dude, none of us are used to this. Dumbass move to insist you’d have to know everything.” Boyf insisted knowingly.

“Alright, all of you have gotten too comfortable with calling me a dumbass, I should've put my foot down before this got out of hand.” YS grumbled, but it was instead playful. “I should push you right back through that damn mirror myself.”

“Hey! That’s not very nice.” Boyf replied indignantly. “You wouldn’t actually, would you? I kind of want to keep this hug going for a bit longer…”

YS snorted, gently shaking his head. “Nah, I wouldn’t.” He punctuated his promise with letting his arms get a little tighter.

[anopenbookunderlockandkey]

The 118 Chaotic Pizza Chat

Buck: This is what I fear when you make pizza, Eds

*tweet of pizza sitting directly on the oven rack imploding and looking like a mushroom cloud*

Bobby: Don’t put it directly on the rack Jesus

Buck: 😂😂😂

Eddie: 😬

Tbh I fear that too

Hen: You can!!!! Prevent it!!!

Bobby emphasized Hen’s message.

Hen: ?????

Eddie: But the bottom! Won’t be crispy enough!

Also my pizzas don’t fit on the pans

Buck: Flip the pan over!!

Eddie: Your weird little rectangular pizzas do but my circular ones don’t

Buck: Use the other side and then the whole bottom won’t fall out

Eddie replied to Buck’s message ( Flip the pan over!! ) *sends blinking meme*

Buck: Or, consider, buy yourself one of these bad boys

*sends link to pizza stone*

Hen: get a pizza stone

Eddie: Where would we store that 😭😭😭

Chim laughed at Eddie’s message.

Buck replied to Eddie’s message (blinking meme): Lol have you never done that 😂?

Eddie: Not once in my life, no

Bobby: You store it with the pans

Eddie: Flip the pan over??? wtf

Hen: Where else would you store a pizza stone

Chim laughed at Hen’s message.

Buck: We have a few fully empty cabinets 😂. In Inconvenient spots, sure, but it’s not a commonly used item lol

Bobby: You don’t have to get one with handles so it doesn’t take up as much space

Ravi: This is a chaotic chat right now 😂😂😂

Eddie: If you mean the one above the fridge, you can fuck off 😂😂😂

Hen: Get a step stool

Eddie: We have two lmao

Chim: Grow taller

Buck laughed at Chim’s message.

Eddie disliked Chim’s message.

Buck: One above the fridge, one below the stove 😂😂😂

Chim: Keep some kitchen heels at the ready

Eddie: Oh I don’t trust the one below the stove, absolutely not

Buck: Also as Bobby said, with the normal pans 😂😂😂

Chim: on top of the refrigerator

Buck: You say that like the bare oven rack is significantly cleaner 😂

Chim: In your room

Eddie: No no no that bottom drawer is nasty have you opened it recently??

Also it’s weirdly small? I think?

Chim: Right I know you’re cooking it but dude how old is that oven and food that is going inside it is just raw dogging it

Eddie: 🤷🏼‍♀️ have literally never once thought about that in my life tbh

Buck: No so I have no recollection of what it looks like 😂

Buck: Raw dogging it 😂😂😂😂

That just made me laugh so

Chim: Good I’m glad because brain fog made it really hard to remember that phrase

Hen laughed at Chim’s message.

Chim: The other option was bare assing it

Eddie: Well ya nailed it, so a plus

Buck: You nailed it so hard I had to explain it to my cap in our side chat 🤣🤣🤣

Ravi: just to circle back

To flip the pan over

There’s a Reddit thread that agrees with Buck

Eddie: Good for Buck 👍🏻

Ravi: Though the rigidity advice seems important to note

Buck: I’ve only used this method once for something I can’t really remember. But it wasn’t pizza 😂

Eddie: Also our pans pop and my actual fear is the pizza being awkwardly launched right to the bottom of the oven

Buck: I was just brainstorming for you. I didn’t say this was a perfect solution 😂

Eddie: I have put a pan on the rack below the pizza before

Bobby replied to Eddie: this hurts my soul, just put it on some parchment paper

Ravi: The other advice for you in this thread: *photo of round pizza cut in half to fit on a pan*

Eddie: Lololol I can imagine trying to cut a frozen pizza in half and it just shattering 😭😭😭

Eddie: But i feel like if I bought, like, a fancy frozen pizza that wasn’t thin crust, that could be genius

Chim: Idk that looks like a thin crust pizza example for you 😂

Hen: If you look closely you can see “thin” on the underlying box 🕵🏻‍♀️😂😂😂

Buck: But your pizza has shattered before so lol

Bobby replied to Buck: WTF

Eddie: Right but that’s target brand

I don’t fuckin trust the giant store brand 😂😂😂 Lolol do you tho???

Buck: Lmao no less than any other pizza probably

Buck: @Bobby Eddie dropped it on the ground

Eddie: Whole thing shattered

And I feel like something similar would happen if you tried to cut it while it was still frozen

Chim: Can’t know unless you try

Ravi: please send a video when you try

Buck, 10 minutes later: The funniest thing to me in this

Is that several of you lived with me and Eddie for like six months in a space that absolutely was not meant for four grown adults never saw him commit this food crime 😂

Hen: To be fair I did my level best to avoid perceiving any of you when we weren’t working. I love you, but that’s way too much time to spend with people you’re not married to

Chim, at the exact same time: we can’t all pay as much attention to Eddie as you, Buck

Ravi: ☠️

Hen: yeah... yeah. Mostly that

Inspired by a real life conversation with my roommates and this tweet:

https://x.com/superloafcat/status/1737541460524700083?s=46&t=2TrTjov11H9w1pzmJGEYpw

Written for/with @professionalprocrastinator22 and our concerns about food crimes committed by @gravelyhalversobbing EXPOSING YOU

[edandstede]

i think canon izzy is an interesting character who is played very well but every day i’m SO FUCKING GLAD his arc came to its natural end and he died because all his fucked up racist fans have shown their entire arses with their behaviour. now what i REALLY hate is how almost ALL the conversation post s2 is around this one white dude - people doing insane mental gymnastics to minimise his actions and explain why he was actually right for abusing ed or why he didn’t actually do anything wrong and why ed is really the toxic violent one making izzy his victim and i am not even TOUCHING that backwards meta claiming stuff i couldn’t even dream up while high. something about jesus and aids? yeah because that makes sense you insensitive out-of-touch dickheads.

seriously if you hate the show now then prove it and shut the fuck up, move on, it clearly was never for you if you can misinterpret it this badly on purpose. the izzy you’re a fan of doesn’t fucking exist, you made him up in your heads and got mad when the canon character didn’t fit your woobified poor meow meow version. you wanted izzy to be a victim so fucking badly and he just isn’t. he is NOT. he repeatedly threatened and goaded and emotionally manipulated the main character - an openly gay indigenous brown man who expressed his emotions and wore effeminate clothing, who was actively depressed and suicidal - and he fucked around and found out as a result. he had ed released to him like his fucking property by the english after almost having the man ed loved executed in front of him and you think ed is the antagonist here? you think ed is wrong for reaching his breaking point and lashing out exactly how izzy repeatedly begs him to? he wanted blackbeard and he fucking got it.

anyway like FUCK ME there is a whole cast of excellent and interesting characters who don’t get talked about nearly as much, ESPECIALLY characters like jim and olu, roach and zheng, spanish jackie, hell ED HIMSELF. they’re sidelined by fandom racists constantly to make room for this one dude who was an out and out homophobic racist bully and dick for 90% of the show.

stop pissing your pants for 5 seconds and accept izzy (a side character there to accompany ed’s arc) was a canon antagonist with internalised issues who dealt ed (one of two main characters) a LOT of damage, but ultimately actively tried to change and embrace the crew and their ways on the revenge. he found his place in that family, that is a GOOD THING, and he died having found a peace most pirates like him don’t ever get to have. yes, ed lashed out and hurt him, and it was a direct consequence of the violence izzy THREATENED OUT OF HIM. izzy himself acknowledges his part in ed’s pain at the end, so you can too! how about that? if you can’t wrap your head around these very easy to understand plot points then just fuck off at this point y’know? literally just fuck off and find a different show because clearly the canon story of this one isn’t for you.

you cunts are fucking insufferable and have made this character one i don’t wanna touch at all, any post about him just makes me recoil because some fans just could not be normal about him.

now can we get some quality posts about literally anyone else

[thetardisisnotourdivision]

Been playing Cult of the Lamb for a while. Named it "Maths Is Bad" (my dad handed me the controller after I came out of paper 1 GCSE maths sobbing). My cult was a peaceful place. No sacrifice. No hurt. No illness. No starvation. No dissenters. Just peace and victory over the old gods (who are fucking WACK, btw. Why are they the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Why is my cult the only normal place in this world. I love this game.)

And then the "sins of the flesh" update came out.

Choice between a "lust" ritual and a "wrath" ritual.

My asexual ass immediately chooses Wrath.

"can't be that bad"

Oh good lord what have I done.

Chaos. Tried the ritual. Was terrified. Everyone went NUTS. Started destroying my cult.

SOME FUCKER MURDERS MY SPOUSE IN A FIGHT.

I sacrificed the fucker. I've never done a sacrifice before and it was fucking terrifying but Tyty (small cat-shaped demon thing) deserved it. Sick fuck.

Next doctrine, I'm like "ok just nothing bad. Nothing quite as terrifying as that. Please".

My gay ass picks "pride".

First ritual goes ok.

I need to generate more sin so that I can hatch more followers - first one (I named them Derry after Derry Girls) was super cute and also I have very few followers. And I'm not risking Wrath again.

I try the Pride ritual.

I pick a random guy to pin all the pride to, figuring he'll just barf it all up like the first guy did.

Dude barfs three times.

I'm getting concerned by this point.

DUDE GOES TO ACTUAL MOTHERFUCKING HELL BECAUSE HE HAS TOO MUCH PRIDE

THIS BITCH SWEARS REVENGE

I'M TOO TERRIFIED TO REALISE WHAT'S GOING ON

Shaken, I start a new crusade.

Going well. Calming down.

WHO FUCKING POPS UP.

"THIS PAIN... IT IS UNBEARABLE... IT IS YOUR FAULT!"

THE SPIRIT OF JOHANN TETZEL'S 1517 SERMON COMES BACK TO HAUNT ME

SHAKING

WTF IS THIS BITCH DOING

I SWEAR I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU DUDE I SWEAR

TRY TO FIGHT HIM

DEFEAT HIM (half a heart left)

Shaking but I think he's gone now.

A few days go by.

Trade with the neighbours.

Next crusade. Oh jesus.

The horror that runs through me. The absolute terror that fills me as tHIS FUCKER TURNS UP AGAIN

At this point I'm wondering whether I can like. Exorcise his soul or sm just to keep him away from me.

IT HAPPENS AGAIN

AND AGAIN

AND AGAIN

MY BROTHER IN LAMB I'M SORRY

PLEASE FUCKING STOP

I DIDN'T MEAN TO IT'S BEEN WEEKS JESUS

LET IT GO MAN

LET IT GO

IT'S BEEN LITERAL WEEKS EVERYONE WHO KNEW YOU HAS DIED OF OLD AGE JUST PLEASE, PLEASE

PLEASE