#it hurts like hell for this woman to be dead already and I can't even go to the funeral in case I run into this crazy bitch

[imnotgrimimjustagrumpyreaper]

Apparently (cough cough, bigoted and irresponsible) ex best friend has taken one of crazy dead ex riding instructor's (my feelings are complicated) dogs. SHE ALREADY HAS A DOG SHE DOESN'T TAKE CARE OF. She used to take care of him fairly well and then jackass supreme came into her life, they dated for like a month, got engaged, broke up, became fuck buddies and are now back together. This man has STOLEN HER CAR and CRACKED HER PHONE SCREEN BY BASHING IT AGAINST HER DOG'S HEAD. THIS BITCH. Now she's taken in this woman she hasn't seen in five years's dog to ALSO NOT TAKE CARE OF. GOD THERE IS MORE THAN ONE REASON YOU ARE OUT OF MY LIFE.

[justwinginglife]

Wait For Me

Inspired by ideas from @adaizel (my dude, you really do be milking the longest fics out of me lmao I appreciate you though)

You'd known Soshiro Hoshina your whole life as both of you came from respectable kaiju-slaying clans, and though you knew most everything about him, you wanted to ignore one particular thing about him- that he was probably not into you.

Having seen you in diapers and then seen you in braces, you were more likely to be seen as a little sister to him rather than a love interest. He'd bandaged you up too many times after you got hurt and wiped your snot from your tear stained face too regularly to think any different. You denied the painful thought frequently though, continuing your active pursuit of him.

He was several years older than you, but you never stopped trying to remind him that you were a woman.

You recalled the first time you'd ever worn a bikini in front of him. He'd wanted to take you swimming in the ocean, the way he always did every summer, and you thought that it was high time that you show off what the lord gave you. But unfortunately, if he was shocked or awestruck at all by the lack of coverage over your body, he didn't show it. Even when you'd jumped in the air trying to hit a beach volleyball and your boobs had bounced their way to kingdom come, he still didn't react.

It made you want to try anything to get his attention. Suck a popsicle a little too hard, little too deep. Dry your dripping body off with his towel, because oops you forgot one. And you even made sure to drag the towel extra slow in between your legs.

Eventually you resorted to trying out different hairstyles and different makeup to try and get any sort of reaction from him. You thought the man should try gambling because he had one hell of a poker face, always treating you the exact same as he always did.

You thought it might be hopeless after all, but you had found out that Soshiro planned on leaving to join the Defense Force soon and you didn't want to give up on him, not after having pined for him your whole life. You felt you needed some sort of closure at least.

You already knew your parents would never let you follow him into battle, you were the sole heir to the clan. It was your duty to run the household, settle down, make more heirs. But before you resigned yourself to your fate, you needed him to know how you felt even if he didn't return the feelings (though you desperately hoped he did).

Your heart pounds as you begin to write him a letter and then you think your heart might just give in and collapse as you hand the letter off to your lady's maid to deliver to him.

Soshiro had been packing the last of his things in the dead of the night, getting ready to ship out in the morning, when he got your letter. He reads it over carefully, his eyes widening as they trail down the page. He rereads it again, making sure he didn't misinterpret.

Then he slips his shoes on quick as he can, and makes the short walk to your house, knocking gently on your bedroom door.

You open the door and smile when you see him but when you notice the letter in his hand and the solemnity etched into his face, you know he's not here to deliver good news. Before he can say anything, you begin to speak, wanting to get your words out before the tears come. "Can you- can you just wait for me? Please? Wait for me to be someone you can love? I'll be finished with my lessons soon and they say I'll be the lady of the house in no time at all. I can come visit you when I find the time. I can... I can make it work. Just please. Wait for me."

He holds both of your hands in his, giving them a gentle squeeze. For the first time in your life, you see his poker face wavering. He musters up his best smile for you, but it's not the sweet smile you know, it's apologetic from top to bottom.

"Thank you... for entrusting your feelings to a fool like me. If I'd known how you felt... well never mind that. I can't change what I would've done just as much as I can't change the different directions we're going in. We- we're living separate lives now, darling. And I can't wait for you, much as I'd like to. I need to do this, I need to go. And you have to stay here. I can't take you with me. Please forgive me."

With every word he says, the tears spill out more and more aggressively until all you are is a quivering mess, watching your one and only true love fade from your life.

"You'll forget me soon enough." He whispers as he pulls you into a quick hug, then he wipes your tears and begins to walk away.

Before he fades from view completely, you yell at the top of your lungs, not caring that it's the middle of the night, "I'd never forget you! I'll wait for you then! I'll always wait for you."

All you can see is his back, and you wonder if he heard you. If he smiled at all. If he reacted at all.

Then he rounds the corner and disappears with all your hopes and dreams.

You fall to the floor, knees crashing against the hard surface, but they don't hurt nearly as much as the ache in your empty chest.

You don't get a good sleep that night. In fact, you don't get a good sleep for many nights to come.

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Soshiro made Vice Captain of the Third Division rather quickly. The view from the top (he was told) was supposedly rather glorious, but when he got there he found it empty and lacking, realizing there was no one to share in his triumph. No one to cheer on his victory, to tell him they knew he could do it.

Then he thought of you again. It'd been years since he'd seen you but he still thought of you. Nearly everyday, against his will. He'd tried to force the feelings down, tried to ignore the picture of your tear-stained face in his mind, tried to stop hearing your voice echoing in his ears. He'd stayed up late training every night, until the ache in his heart was drowned out by the aching in the rest of his body. He'd even gone on random dates with random women to try to break the cycle of dreaming about you day and night, but he'd hear your voice in someone's laugh or he'd see your sparkle in someone's eyes, and he knew he couldn't deny himself any longer.

Trying not to love you was like trying to stop the push and pull of the waves, or trying to stop the rotation of the Earth, it couldn't be done.

He opens the top drawer of his desk again. Your letter is sitting right there, where he'd left it, for easy viewing access whenever he felt like wondering about what could've been. Wondering about how you're doing, about who you're with.

Do you still visit the secret spot he'd found for the two of you? Do you still play the violin, the one that he bought you? Do you... still love him? Did you wait for him?

The downward spiral of his thoughts sends him into a frenzy, as he hurriedly jams random clothes into a suitcase with just one clear thought in mind- he wants, he needs to see you. He needs to smell you, to hear you, to tell you how he feels. To make up for making you cry. To make up for all these years of lost time. To beg you for another chance. To let you love him. To let himself love you.

Captain Ashiro approves his hasty request for leave (having never seen the man take any time off at all in the many years he'd been in the Defense Force) and soon enough he's on the first bullet train back to his hometown.

He knocks on the familiar wood of your front door. His hands are shaking and his mind is scattered, filled with endless, useless, worrying thoughts, but he knows when he sees you everything will be okay. If he can just see you again, he'll know what to say, he'll know what to do, he'll be whole again.

The door opens and his smile is at the ready, waiting to greet you, but it's your mother that answers the door and his lips freeze mid-smile. He listens intently, his heart dropping into his stomach, as she explains that you've eloped with his brother- Soichiro.

He tastes salt and he realizes he's crying on your doorstep the way you did for him all those years ago. He hurriedly wipes his cheeks and thanks your mother quickly, before backing away. She gives him a sympathetic look as he stumbles down the street, lost in a daze.

For the first time in years, he doesn't know what he wants. What he should do. But he still needs to see you, married or not, and that desire drives him to get onto the next train to the Sixth Division.

When he arrives, it looks like they're throwing some sort of party. He checks his reflection in a nearby window, making sure the crying he did on the way here isn't visible in his eyes or his cheeks. When he's fixed his hair and adjusted his collar to his liking, he heads into the main building.

He asks around and it appears they're inducting a new Vice Captain.

He watches from the back row as the new Vice Captain takes the stage, waving and grinning. His heart roars in his chest when he realizes it's you.

Your speech is sweet and short but he hangs onto every word, watching your lips as they move.

Then you step down from the stage and the ceremony is concluded. Officers start to file out of the room and then eventually it's just you and him.

He lifts a hand awkwardly, giving you a little wave.

He thinks you might ignore him. Thinks you might turn around and walk away. Leave through the nearest exit. Run through the nearest exit, desperate to get away from him. From the man who broke your heart.

But he never could've expected what you'd do.

You do run but you run towards him, leaping into his arms.

He's shocked but he quickly pulls himself together and pulls you tight against him, inhaling the sweet scent of you. He doesn't want to talk about what happened or what is going to happen when you finally let go, he just wants to hold you and let this be enough. But the erratic beat of his heart isn't satisfied with just holding you. He needs to make you his.

He pulls away and grabs your hands, checking for a ring. He almost cries again when he doesn't see one.

You laugh, looking at him puzzled. "Yes? Something you need?"

"You're... you're not married." His breath is so shaky it's a wonder he was able to form words at all.

"I said I'd wait, didn't I?" You whisper, pulling your hands away from his so you can cup his face and stroke his cheeks with your thumbs.

Now he starts crying.

You kiss the tears away from his cheeks. "Hey, I don't remember you being such a crybaby. What happened to the tough Vice Captain of the Third Division?" You tease him but your voice is still soft, filled with concern at his sudden burst of emotion.

"H-he's not here right now. Just me. Just a man who's in love with you, wondering if you can still find it in you to love him back."

You smile warmly at him and he thinks he might just die now and go to heaven, having finally seen your smile for real and not just in his haunting dreams.

"I said I'd wait, and I have. I'd wait a thousand years for you. I'd wait more than that. It's you, it's always been you and it always will be."

He sighs, relieved. He takes you in his arms again, pulling you close and trailing kisses all over you. Then he freezes.

"Wait, I heard you ran off to get married with my brother?"

You laugh and the sound is enough to melt his heart and ease his nerves. "Well I guess that's partially true. I mean I did run away with him but only to join his division, that's it. I was hoping to run into you."

Soshiro squeezes you tighter, afraid if he lets you go this might be a dream. "So marry me then."

The waves continue to push and pull, the Earth continues to spin on its axis, and Soshiro continues to love you immensely and infinitely the rest of his entire life.

[2-dsimp]

*Jumping in complete excitement after the revelation of Soma* Even if I should be crying for that angst, I can't blame you for giving me so much motivation to ask.

What if Soma's darling finds him some day, now peer up with a survivors group, but she is unable to killed his infected boyfriend and tries to convince his teammates not to kill him. Even making a whole damn argument while helping the team with blowing up the hard of zombies. (Summing up, an stubborn and silly darling)

Don't know, maybe suggesting silly ways to keep him up with her and avoiding him to attack the others, like making him use a muzzle and kid leash wrapped around her wrist.

A/n: if only things could work out like that. Not in this scenario unfortunately.ヽ(´o｀；

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𝕋𝔸𝔾 𝕃𝕀𝕊𝕋: @apeiceoflump @fruk-you-usuk-fans @avalordream @manunkan @twinklingbeautifulstars (anyone else who’d like to be tagged for future parts lmk~)

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Cw: blood/gore, betrayal (?), obsessive tendencies, angst, possessive tendencies, jealousy/envy, Soma losing his mind like a woman scorned.

Synopsis 3: Soma, your yandere undead boyfriend, finally reached the promised land and finally found you. But at the sight of someone else at your side he quickly became a frenzied beast of green envy.

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You could barely register the sheer chaos that ensued from having the wall to the safe haven you’ve found in a fellow survival camp caved in by a mass of sharpened spikes. As the wall crumbled down, the other survivors screamed. Scrambling like chickens in utter confusion, fear, and dread.

But all you felt was joy, as you saw the one you’ve been mourning over for the few days. You guys were split apart, your boyfriend soma, in the flesh. His infected eyes were hyper transfixed on you, the target of his unrefined love. That was about to overflow and burst his heart from how he fell for you again. Hard.

You were all scuffed up, like an adorable kitten. Hair was a disaster, your body carried dirt and minor wounds from squabbles you had encountered on your own from trying to survive. You were an utter mess but to him you were a perfect achievement that he wanted to unlock once more.

Soma’s mouth opened, there was so much he wanted to say to you. But most importantly he wanted to call you out by your name. Tell you that you’re truly is here to come pick up his player 2. But he clamped down his jaw so hard so hard out of having the jitters. that he accidentally bit his own tongue off like a brain dead idiot.

Blood spurted from his severed tongue which happened to stain your face. You were in utter shock not believing that you were witnessing your undead boyfriend try to kill him self even when he’s technically already dead. Naturally you screamed as you saw his severed tongue wriggle around like a fish out of water.

“We must leave, now miss.”

A eerily calm voice seeped into your head, there was hands, albeit cold encircled around your wrist. As you were elevated to your feet and the scenery ran past your mind in a disillusioned blur. Your heart was pounding out of your chest, your breathing heavy and uneven.

You couldn’t make sense of it.

Why did the man say that you must leave? There’s no need to run! Your loving boyfriend has come to pick you up just like he promised. Away from this infected shithole. He wouldn’t hurt you, he definitely wouldn’t harm anybody else right? Sure he karated the hell out of this zombies in the store but that was self defense.

He said he’d come back to you. And he did, so why? Why were you running away from him? Your valiant boyfriend who sacrificed himself to keep his precious babe, you, alive.

Your feet carried you faster than you could think, with the captain of the survivor camp taking you by the hand. You were too frazzled to register the screams of terror and the frenzied clicking of other parasitic zombies who had found their way to the source of all the noise. Every single variation digging their claws and teeth into the survivors who were unable to get a grip.

But most importantly you missed the sheer look of rage that twisted Soma’s face into something unrecognizable. His tentacles were tore out of his flesh, turning a dark hue and snapping into deadly spikes. His mind was running field goals with the sight of you running away hand in hand with another man.

A man that wasn’t him.

Did you forget that he told you he was coming back? Who the hell was this bitch clinging onto your hand like a pest. Your boyfriend didn’t like it. Not one bit his tongue had regenerated in wisps of steamy smoke. Allowing him to rip out an unearthly screech that made everyone weak from racking their brains with his pitch frequency.

His eyes darted every which way studying how the captains fingers were touching you on too many areas of skin. He clawed at his face practically tearing off the mask that kept him human from pure agitation. His eyes bulging at the sight with veins a showing as he repeatedly gashed his teeth.

‘‘F̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞l̨͓̠̹̿̔̋̈́͝i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠h̨̟͔̣̣͊̄̇̏̿y̦̲̩̪̺͋̀͐̏̋,͓̾̌ f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞l̨͓̠̹̿̔̋̈́͝i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠h̨̟͔̣̣͊̄̇̏̿y̦̲̩̪̺͋̀͐̏̋,͓̾̌ f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞l̨͓̠̹̿̔̋̈́͝i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠h̨̟͔̣̣͊̄̇̏̿y̦̲̩̪̺͋̀͐̏̋!̳̆͋̈̾ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉ G̢͚̙̣̬̎͋̊͐̽e͖̖̤͙̅̈́̏͌ͅţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ i̡̫̭̮̅̔̇̚͠ţ̨̞̲̎͆͘̕͠ o̳̘̗̗͒̽͑̚͝f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞f̞͓͚̱̜̃̍̋̚͞.̪̍̉’

Soma’s parasite took the reins, taking advantage of how their host wasn’t able to maintain stability. Zombie, humans, and other unaffected variants alike were skewered. In his fit of manic fury, his tentacles striking towards your location like a viper. The tip of death missing the chance to stab through your clasped hands by a hair thanks to the captains diligent reflexes.

You tumbled trying to look back only to be swept off your feet and carried off into the arms of the ever so calm and collected Survivor Captain. Who by human standards looked flawless, not a blemish on his skin nor any sign of imperfections. But you didn’t miss how alienated it made him his whole reaction to the camp being decimated was lackluster. His eyes were like pearls without any shine, it was as if he was just a wearing a humans skin for show.

Gaining a sense of clarity at how fast you were retreating from the scene you took a moment to properly look at your boyfriend’s rampaging. And the way his eyes seared into your flesh and bone made you freeze up like a petrified goat.

You’ve never seen this side of him, could the infection truly take away the man you loved? You heavily denied it but the way he was aggressively targeting you his dangerous spiked tentacles indenting themselves just one step behind from impaling the captains body.

For the first time you felt afraid of him. He has clearly lost control to differentiate between who the true target of his ire. As he was under the impression that he was being betrayed/abandoned by you.

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[abyssal-author-and-artist]

oh shit i just realized i forgot to post the trans dipper essay

oh well, better late than never!

Introducing - Why Mason "Dipper" Pines is Trans and Why that Matters - an essay I spent more time on than I did my actual college project today

Mason "Dipper" Pines from Gravity Falls is trans. Trans masculine, to be specific. Do I believe this was intentional? No. Do I believe that there's a seriously convincing case to be made? Fuck yes.

So first off, he's just like me frfr, which is pretty compelling in and of itself. But that's not enough for a whole essay, so we move onto our second point - character designs. Dipper is designed like, well, like every modern-era trans man I've ever drawn who isn't goth. The shorts, the one shirt in the one color, the absolute insecurity. He even does the hunch of the back! Also, I think I heard somewhere that the vest is to make his shoulders look broader, which I'm not entirely sure is canon but I am accepting this whole-heartedly. It's such a trans move of him. He's too young (and it's summer so it's too hot) to wear a dysphoria hoodie so he picked a vest. (I say too young because dysphoria hoodies usually cover your chest and Dipper and Mabel probably haven't hit puberty.)

The second part comes directly from science. According to this article, and many others, sex in identical twins is complicated, but most identical twins will be born the same sex. There are cases where this isn't true (which might be the case for Mabel and Dipper) or they might be fraternal, which is also pretty likely. However, looking at them when they were younger (and listening to their very similar voices), it's likely they were identical and both girls. That's not to say I dislike trans Mabel - every trans woman I draw dresses like her, so I do love her being trans as well and them hitting the age of like. 10. and swapping genders is incredibly funny and adorable to me.

So, we can't reliably use the aforementioned evidence, then, can we? After all, identical twins can be different sexes, although rare, and we don't have any proof they are identical beyond their visual (and when they were younger, audible) similarities. Well, first off, I'd say that's pretty compelling evidence already. In a cartoon, especially one as detailed and beautiful-looking as Gravity Falls (the art is good and I will die on this hill), visual language makes up for a lot. And Alex Hirsh has gone on record saying that he very much wanted Jason Ritter and Kristen Schaal for Dipper and Mabel respectively, to the point where he would have canceled the show if Kristen hadn't signed on, so I wholeheartedly believe every character (with the exception of Grenda and any other characters who had last minute va's picked) had their voice actors picked very specifically. I can't find whether Jason Ritter voiced younger Dipper, though, so that's a dead end.

Now, that's all well and good, but it's a lot of visual language, isn't it? Why don't we move into something more based in the writing itself?

So the first and most prominent example of Dipper being transgender is the episode Dipper vs Manliness. You know it, you probably have emotions on it, it's the episode where Dipper is trying his hardest to be a man's man. The episode was supposed to be about toxic masculinity and how to be a real man is to stick to your morals. It's a good lesson and in my opinion, holds up even in 2024. Pretty good. Does a great job of what it wants to do. Now, Dipper vs. Manliness has been dissected to hell and back already as a transgender allegory, so I'll keep this brief: the episode centers around Dipper being mocked for not being manly. While Mabel and Stan still see him as a man, albeit an effeminate one, it gets to Dipper. He proceeds to do anything to prove himself a real man. If viewed as a trans allegory, Mabel is teasing her brother and not realizing how deeply it actually hurts him (whether accidentally because she fails to realize how insecure he is over it or because she hasn't been there before, depending on how you want to headcanon it). As for Stan, I like to pretend he's supportive but regularly forgets Dipper was ever a girl, so he makes a serious slip up because of that (and/or he's regurgitating stuff said to him. That hits harder if you also headcanon trans Stan, which I am warming up to). Dipper proceeds to try and prove himself a man, crying when he takes even one more blow to his self esteem/sense of identity as a man, and eventually gets comfort from his family when they realize just how BADLY they messed him up. He is affirmed as a man and the episode ends. Everything that can be said, has been said - including that you don't have to act toxically masculine - or even masculine at all - to be a real man. Remember this part, it will be important later.

So, other trans moments for Dipper come a little sparser. Dipper vs. Manliness is the example for a good reason. But still, there's other moments. The short Voice Over from one of the short story compliation episodes is another one that's commonly referenced as a metaphor for voice dysphoria. Yes, Dipper's voice is cracking in ways common for a cis pre-teen boy his age, but the pitch and tone of his voice can also be seen as his more feminine voice peeking through. Taking the potion can be seen as taking testosterone or other hormones. Granted, this falls apart when you consider that Dipper is later discouraged from taking the potion, because that could be read as Dipper being discouraged from transitioning, but on the other side of the spectrum, it could be read as Dipper being affirmed as a real man despite his voice. From that perspective, his family prevents him from taking (possibly dangerous) homebrewed hrt. Also, the euphoria he gets when it does change his voice is just. Absolutely adorable.

Now, my favorite resource for Dipper acting trans is in the episode Headhunters. He's asking Manly Dan questions and Manly Dan calls Dipper a girl. And MAN the discomfort on Dipper's face. He immediately attempts to correct Manly Dan, but is shut down and the episode moves on. I think that for such a short moment, it does a good job of making Dipper seem trans, though. He is called a girl and feels extreme discomfort around it. He does not like being called a girl. He is not a girl. But he's not shocked or surprised or even really offended - he's resigned. He's used to being called a girl. Sure, he hates it, but he doesn't cry or scream or anything. Sounds to me like a trans man who's absurdly used to being misgendered but still hates it. That pain never goes away, but sometimes all you can do is flinch in discomfort, try to correct and move on, like the episode does.

For a (mostly humorous) video of more of Dipper acting trans, check out this video.

So I think we've made a pretty compelling point for Dipper Pines being trans masc here. Looks pretty good, yup, this is a great essay, let's wrap it up. Oh? What's that? The name of this essay?

Why Mason "Dipper" Pines is transgender and why that matters.

Well, let's dive into section two of this essay - why does Dipper being trans matter?

Someone could easily say it doesn't matter. Just fun fandom headcanons, that's it, wrap it up now. Nothing more to say. Dipper is trans and that's just a fun reading of his character.

But I don't think that's the case. I think that Dipper being trans means so much - to trans fans of the show, to fans who have never seen or spoken to trans people before, and to queer fans of Gravity Falls and similar shows. (I personally am a Steven Universe fan who really valued the representation there, so Gravity Falls and all it's queer coding means a lot to me.)

First and foremost, I'm not going to keep you in the dark as to why you're remembering my earlier point. As a recap, it was this: Dipper vs. Manliness, and by proxy, Gravity Falls as a whole, says that you don't have to be traditionally masculine to be a real man. For a show that spends a lot of time mocking a kid commonly headcanoned to be a trans man, that says a lot, and a lot of stuff I think more people need to hear.

You do not need to act like your gender to be your gender.

You do not need to present like your gender to be your gender.

You do not need to fit some rigid box that society enforces to be who you are.

If you are a man, you are a man, trans or cis, regardless of how you act. (And the same goes for women and nonbinary people! You don't have to fit a mold.)

You don't owe anyone anything.

You don't owe people masculinity. (Or femininity or androgyny for that matter.)

I think that's part of the reason Dipper vs. Manliness ages so well. Dipper reads as trans, especially to queer fans, and his story in that episode tells us that we don't have to be someone we're not for people to take us seriously as who we are. At the end of the day, the really masculine thing is staying true to you - a sentiment echoed and reversed in The Last Mabelcorn, where the most feminine thing you can do is to stay true to yourself. I can't find it right now, but I could swear that there's a That GF Fan video explaining my point a little better. The point is, there's nothing that makes you more of whatever your gender is than staying true to yourself.

Additionally, if Dipper really is trans and someone sees themself in him, that can help them explore their gender or explain it to other people. Young kids who have never interacted with trans people before can see Dipper and grow up to connect the dots - or grow up to have him crack their eggs.

I know I'm new to the fandom and I was already out before watching the show, but he really helped me explore my gender. I like dressing like him - he's very relatable, even though I'm old enough to be in college now. I see him as a very anxious, slightly paranoid trans kid, and I see a lot of myself in him. He has a lot of issues, and a lot of issues that aren't trans specific but definitely hit harder when you are trans. He makes me feel seen on a level that I never thought a cartoon character could do.

Honestly, here would be a good place to put a rant about representation in kids media - queer kids under the age of 12 exist and struggle. I liked a girl (before realizing I was trans) in fifth grade, so about 9 years old. There are kids who experiment with their gender when they're younger than that. We're here and we exist, and every single time a character in children's media is made and is prevalent, another kid is able to really see themself.

That's really the point of this section. Dipper is trans. That matters. People - mostly queer kids but people of all ages - see themselves in him. He's here and we see him as queer because it's validating. It feels so good to hear Stan affirm him at the end of Dipper vs. Manliness, because it proves that at the end of the day, you don't need to present as super masc or femme or androgynous to be who you are.

Gravity Falls, through coding Dipper as trans, sent a message:

You are seen. You are loved. You are valid.

Thank you for reading this all. Trans Dipper means a lot to me, and I love writing him and seeing him in general. I want more of him because Dipper being trans means the world to me.

I love you all. Have a wonderful day. Remember to stay true to yourself.

[onskepa]

Heyy, I was wondering if you could write a fic where the Sully kids and Spider meet human Jake. It could be like one day they are at Hell’s Gate and suddenly there's like a white light or something and boom Jake is reverted to his past human self ( wheelchair and all ).

Because in canon they only known Jake in his avatar body, so I think this situation would be fun to explore and see their dynamics.

Helloooooooooo there~!! Honestly this is a good idea and I have got the perfect pic for it! Hope you enjoy~!!

---------------------

[credit to the artist]

Would you love me if I was a worm?

No words or sounds came from netyiri. She just stood still, her eyes wide and mouth open. Her tail stopped swaying. For a solid couple of seconds, everything was dead silent. How can she process what is in front of her? 

“Mom, please, for the love of Eywa, don't freak out” Lo’ak says as calmly as he can. His hands raised up slightly, ready for any outburst his mother would do. Neteyam was beside him, both in front of their father, to protect him. 

“Freak out? FREAK OUT!? I am about to lose my mind! What in Eywa’s name has happened!?” Neytiri screeched. Her anger and fear rising up to her voice. 

In a sharp turn of her neck, she glared hard towards the familiar human scientists. 

“YOU!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Neytiri's voice echoed throughout the lab, her rage unmatched. Her amber eyes glaring daggers towards the cowarding humans. Norm, being the more braver among the rest, stood in front of her as if to protect his fellow comrades. 

“W-we didn't know it would turn out like this!” Norm said while his voice was shaking, feeling terrified of the large woman in front of him. 

“did not know!? Look at my husband, HE IS SMALL AND PINK! HE IS HUMAN AGAIN!” 

Few hours earlier…

“So what is the point of that whole machine?” Jake asks as his fellow science friends set up some equipment. “We want to see if our theory of reversing things works”. Norm replied. Jake tilted his head a bit, “reversing things? Like what?” he asks. 

“Well like reversing illnesses, diseases, injuries. For mostly medical reasons. Our modern medicine supply is going to go low at some point. And came to decide other ways to fix or treat stuff” Max replies. Jake nods, understanding. He was mostly out of the way as they completed the machine. It was big, mostly tube-like. A long glass tube for a human or na’vi to get in. Had two sides with touch screens and a computer with a slide to insert something into the tube. Looked very rough in some areas. 

“We had to recycle some materials from the old labs,” Norm explains. 

“So, have you guys tested it yet?” Jake asks. Norm shook his head, “no, we are deciding carefully on what could be our guinea pig, and it needs to be organic. Mostly everyone is afraid to go inside”. 

Jake looks at the machine and slightly raises his hand, “What about me? I could do it”. Norm and Max were quick to turn their heads looking at jake. “Are you sure…? We can't guarantee it would hurt or feel weird” Max says, already not liking the nervous feeling he is getting. “We could try a fruit or something else, we really don't know the levels of danger here”. 

Jake raises his eyebrow, “so you built something, medical wise. And you don't know if it can hurt people?”. Norm swings his arms around and taking a deep breath, “we work with what we got. And yes, we don't know if it will cause more harm. That is why everyone, even us, are hesitant to try it out”. 

Jake shrugs and was still insistent on being the test subject. Norm gave in but max was not liking it at all. Feeling something is gonna go wrong. But no one would listen to him. So jake in his na’vi glory, stepped inside the tube as the science guys began to turn up the machine. “Ok, all systems are go. Ready jake?” Norm asks through the intercom. Jake nods, grinning all excitedly. 

Counting down, norm presses a button and suddenly in the tube released light green mist. Fogging the entire large tube. However, loud banging was quickly heard. On the screens showed Jake's heart rate spiking, alarms going off. Quickly everyone was quick to try and shut off the machine. Even by forcing the glass to open. And once it did, a human hand poked out.

“Your father hasn't come back yet, '' Neytiri tells her children as they enjoy their dinner. Jake isn't one to miss dinner time. He wouldn't miss any chance to eat. All of the kids looked at each other, trying to remember when was the last time they saw their dad. And then, tuk thumped her tail happily. 

“Daddy said he went to see the uncle norm and the others. Said they wanted to show him something” tuk happily provides the information. While it is not unusual Jake would go to visit the humans, what is unusual is that he stays there all day. A couple of hours at most and he leaves. This made neytiri worry the more she thought about it. 

“I can go get him” Lo’ak offers. He knows his mother isn't very comfortable being in the human posts. Neytiri nods but also adds, “neteyam will join you”. She knows well he will get distracted and have not only jake but now lo’ak staying longer than they should. 

After dinner, the brothers went off to get their father. However, once they stepped inside…it took everything for the boys to not scream their heads off. 

Present time. 

Jake sat in silence. Mostly still trying to process what happened a couple hours ago, still processing his literal new [or old] perspective, and still processing just how pissed his tall wife is. He is human. Back to who he was before. And to make it worse. 

He is back in the wheelchair. 

Back to having his useless legs. 

Back to being weak. 

And he hates it. 

The screeches of neytiri became dull in his mind. The more he thinks about it, the more it daunts on jake. Will it be forever? Is this the new reality? After achieving so much, only to go backwards? 

“Fix him! I do not care how you do it! Fix him now!” Neytiri continues to demand norm. She doesn't care what methods, she wants her Jake back to how he was. A na’vi. 

“W-we don't know! We are not sure how to fix it. This could take time” Norm tries to reason with the angry wife but she just shakes her head in frustration. “FIX HIM!!” was all she could say. 

“Neytiri” 

She heard Jake's voice. 

Turning to see him, she can't help but feel her heart tug. There he was, just like how she saw him back in the deep forest. Different, yet the same. The man she fell in love with. And now here he is again. Back to being human. 

“Ma’jake…” she whispers. Slowly going to him, she bends to be at his level. Jake offers his hand and she takes it to her cheek. Feeling his warmth. Feeling a few tears escape, she begins to cry. “How could they do this to you?! Why?!” she questions. Humans are creatures she could never fully understand, no matter how well she thinks she knows. 

“I volunteered to help them. They didn't know I would turn out like this. Its not their fault” Jake answers, trying to level a reason with his love. But her tears didnt stop falling. And he hates this. Hates to see netyiri cry. So doing his best to comfort her, he wraps his arms around her neck and hugs her as best as he could. Joining in on the hug were their sons. 

“You foolish skxawng! Stupid! Idiotic!” Neytiri shouted light hearted insults at her husband, and Jake takes it all in, secretly agreeing with her. “I know, I know baby, I know I am” he repeats. He really did fucked up. 

After a couple of minutes, they let go of each other, but neytiri didn't leave Jake's side. Lo’ak turns to norm to ask, “is there a way to turn him back? He isn't going to be like this forever….right?’. 

Norm took a deep breath and said, “the machine we built is to reverse and fix the main source of the problem. When Jake got in…the machine” point to Jake, “fixed him”. The sully family was slightly confused. “Fixed me? How?“ Jake asked. Rubbing the back of his neck, Max stepped forward to provide more information. “What we built is to reverse a source of a problem. Our best guess is the machine found a problem in you. Your na’vi blood. The machine must has seen it as a problem and using your human DNA to reverse it. Thus…you are fixed. And we cant say if we can turn you back into na’vi…”. 

Dread was what everyone felt. Scared that this would be the new reality. Scare that jake won't be with his family every day. Won't continue to be olo’eyktan or anything. Dread and fear is the collective emotions. 

“How about we sleep on this? A lot has happened and sleep would be best to calm ourselves. Sleep, a bit of coffee and think what our next movie is” Jake suggests. Everyone almost agrees. His family however, not really. “I will stay with you” Neytiri says, no hesitation. But Jake shook his head, placing his hands over her larger ones. “I'm sorry baby, but I need you to go back home. You and our boys. Kiri and tuk are currently alone and they need their parents. I obviously can't…but tomorrow, bring them so they can know what's going on. This won't be forever I promise”. 

Neytiri hisses in frustration. He is right, neytiri left kiri to care for tuk while she came to the lab. Never has she wished this was all a bad dream. A nightmare that she can wake up from. But this is real. And she hates it. 

“Fine…but they have to fix you…I want you back” Neytiri whispers. Holding Jake's hand tightly, observing his pale skin. He feels different. It's not the same hand she loves to hold. It is not the same warmth she leans into for comfort. It's all wrong. Jake isn't-

“Mom” 

Neytiri blinks a few times, looking over at neteyam, his hand on her shoulder. “Let's go home, dad is right. We will come back tomorrow. We can bring kiri and tuk like he said”. Sighing, netyiri finally lets go but not without one last look at jake. Seeing his human form made her feel something. Something unpleasant. 

“Dad…damn it's weird…” Lo’ak says, still trying to get the whole thing wrapped in his mind. Jake could help but chuckle a bit, “it's ok son, I will see you tomorrow”. Not saying much, lo’ak goes with his mother, neteyam also looks one last time before joining them. 

The door shuts behind them, leaving Jake alone to his thoughts. 

“So ummmm….you guys still have my old room?”

“Spider, can you for 5 minutes stop staring at me?” Jake asks, slightly annoyed. Spider on the other hand was staring at him as if he couldn't believe what was in front of him. Slowly spider was using his index finger to slowly poke jake. Looking at it, Jake gently smacked his hand away. “Stop it” Jake warned. 

Spider backed away a bit, huffing a bit, “sorry sir it's just….so weird! You are small and pink and well…human”. Jake couldn't blame the boy. He grew up seeing Jake full na’vi. But doesnt mean it didn't hurt Jake a bit. His pride, he tries to keep humble, but little by little his pride crumbles. 

“Get used to it, come on. Lets see what the others are doing” Jake says as both of them head off to the main room. 

“I thought they were kidding…” Kiri says as she stands in front of her dad. Tuk beside her, eyes wide and in shock. Same reaction as their mother. Jake raises his arms, grinning in a rather floppy way, “I wish baby girl” he said. Hearing his voice only confirmed it more. Tuk releases her grip on Kiri's hand and walks over to her dad. Carefully analyzing his human features. 

“Is it really you daddy…?” tuk asks, excited yet afraid to hear his answer. “It is me tuktuk, surprised?” Jake responds, giving his signature grin. Smiling happily, she hugs him tightly. It's so weird to her, she is the baby but she is bigger than her dad. Letting go, she sees his wheelchair, bending down, she traces the metal wheels. 

“Why are you in a chair?” She asks while her giggles escape. She looks up to see jake give a sad smile. 

“Well baby girl, my legs cant move. I cant walk or do anything, '' he tells truthfully. Tuk’s smile faded a bit, “does that mean you cant run..?”. Jake nods. 

A few seconds of silence passed before she went behind him and grabs the handles, “can I at least push you?” she asks excitedly, her tail swaying in a playful manner. Jake chuckles, “try not to run so fast-WOA!!”. Tuk was off doing just that, running fast making cool drifts with the wheelchair. 

“Weeeeeeee~!!” 

10 minutes later 

“Sorry…” Tuk apologizes while holding her tail and head low. 

She just crashed into one of the computers. 

Norm doing his best to not show his internal scream, he does his best to comfort her. But Jake goes over, grabbing tuk’s hand, “it's ok baby girl, but try to be extra careful. It's not easy to maintain all of this technology, come on, let's go with everyone else”. Tuk feeling better, this time she carefully takes Jake to where the other kids are

“And why are you not with your mate? Especially in his time of need?” Mo’at asks as she mixes herbs to make more healing substance. Neytiri was helping her, but refused to make eye contact. Mo’at was told of what happened, and had to see for herself. And while it certainly was a shock, she was quick to tell the people that their olo’eyktan had to travel for a bit. But she doesn't know how long the people will believe that. 

“The children go to support their father but here you are supporting me when it is not needed” she continues. Putting down the roller, neytiri huffs, feeling annoyed herself. “I went to the spirit tree…” was all she could say. But mo’at gave her a look, “Eywa cant answer all of our problems, as she cant help jake sully this time” she says. 

“This is a problem only the humans can fix” 

But even then, neyiri continues to assist. Thinking about her mate, but doing nothing to see him. The humans have to fix him, they must.

The sully kids were playing Jake's old vlogs as he was cringing from the inside. Was that how he really behaved back then? And speaking highly of Quaritch? How badly he wanted to go back in time and smack the shit out of himself. 

“Wait, but you look exactly the same as in the videos, shouldn't you be looking about your current age?” Kiri asks, comparing her father to himself of the past. But Jake could only shrug, “I am not sure kiddo. But I consider it lucky I haven't lost my good looks”. Kiri rolls her eyes at that self praise. 

Yet, as the kids watch, he couldn't help but wonder about neytiri, she hasn't come even though she said she would. He suspects there is something going on with neytiri but he can't point out what exactly. But jake hopes to see her soon. He can use all the support he can get. 

Norm isnt much help since “they are still figuring it out”. Jake hates this, he hates seeing his human hands. Hates to see himself human. The desire to be na’vi again grows every second.  

“Has mom said anything about coming?” Jake asks neteyam, the oldest slight shrugs. “I asked mom but she didn't say much, just that she will be helping grandma. That's about it” neteyam answers. Sighing inwardly, perhaps she too is still processing the truth. That is fine, giving her space can be good.

But as days passed, Jake was struggling. He was so used to doing certain things, he has forgotten his human habits. Often had to be reminded to wear more clothes, forgetting he didn't had much hair from the start. Technology around him makes him a bit sick, unable to stare at screens for a long time. Not like how he used to. Sounds from the computers annoyed him. 

And dont get him started on food. There is only so much pandora food that is safe for humans. Jake missed eating certain things that the humans find weird or gross. 

And most of all, being reminded of how weak he is. Having his useless legs back is forever mocking him. How he isn't strong as he was in na’vi. And he hates himself because of it.

Jake is constantly reminded of how dull and empty his human life was. And how full and nurturing his na’vi life is. He needed to get back to being na’vi soon. As if each day, a piece of his mind is slowly losing sanity. Jake is a patient man, but when you are used to a certain life, only to refrain to how you started. It takes a toll. 

1 month. 

It took neytiri one month to come see him. And Jake felt relieved to see her. To feel her hands and touch her beautiful face. “I missed you” he says with great relief. Neytiri gives him a small smile as she examines his hands again. 

“They still haven't fixed you” was all she said. 

“You talk as if I am broken” Jake slightly jokes, chuckling to himself. But neytiri wasn't smiling. Taking a more serious look, he leans a bit closer, “neytiri…do you think I am broken?”. He needed to know, from revealing to himself, that is all she ever said, fix. As though there is something wrong with him. 

“You are human…” she whispers. But Jake heard her loud and clear. 

Her eyes were unable to meet his. Her hands are there, but her mind is distant. “Is that bad?” he asks. A bad feeling starts to grow, gripping her hands more, Jake tries to make eye contact but neytiri looks away. 

“Baby please look at me….do I look broken to you?” Jake pleads. But nothing came of her mouth. Slowly, Neytiri pulls her hands back and gets up, “I have to go”. She leaves, almost as though she wants to run. 

“NEYTIRI!” Jake calls out, his voice cracking. But she was gone. 

Tuk was crying, she twisted her ankle while running and was swelling bad, Mo’at was quick to treat her, but tears wouldn't stop. Everyone tried to soothe her, but nothing was of use. From neteyam hugging her, to lo’ak making a fool of himself on purpose, nothing worked. And neytiri was getting more anxious that she couldn't calm her baby. 

“Please tuktuk, ssshhhh it's going to be ok. I know it hurts, would you like your favorite supper?” Neytiri asks, holding tuk and gently rocking her back and forth. 

“No! “ tuk cries out. Her wails loud and heart breaking. Honestly they really tried everything. But what could work?

“Tuk, it doesn't hurt, does it? Why are you really crying?” Kiri asks gently, already seeing through her sister's facade. Tuk shook her head, wiping her tears and taking deep, quick breathes. 

“Nononono!” was all tuk could say. The more she cries, the more worried Neytiri gets. But before anyone else can say anything, tuk confesses. 

“I want daddy!!” and she cries some more. 

Her words broke everyone's hearts. For the past month, everyone tried to continue their lives but it was so difficult without Jake around. Neteyam missed flying with his dad. Lo’ak strangely missed being scolded by him. Kiri missed their late night talks. And neytiri. 

Neytiri misses her mate more than she could ever express. But she knows, Neytiri knows she is a coward to not face him as he is. 

A sky demon. 

“I want daddy!! I want him home! I wanna play with him, I wanna be carried. I want daddy to sing me to sleep even though he is terrible! I miss daddy!” 

How can they really shush when they all feel the same? 

“Ssshhh, hey, its still day time, let's go see him. We can all go see dad together” Lo’ak suggests quickly. That made tuk silence a bit, small hiccups following, but she aggressively nodded. Liking the idea, the rest of the siblings were quick to get whatever they needed to go see their dad at the lab. 

“Come on mom, let's go see him” Kiri says, excitedly grabbing her mothers hand. But neytiri stays put. “You go on ahead, take your time” she says. But kiri halted a second, tilting her head slightly. “Don't you want to see dad too? Surely you must miss him a lot more than us” she says, but her mother looks in a different direction, not able to make eye contact. Tugging her hand, kiri gently, yet forcefully, drags neytiri out of their home. Smiling brightly, to encourage her mother, “lets go, we can do something together, all of us as a family”. 

Neytiri looks at her daughter, and decides to follow. But the ever growing dread rumbles in her stomach.

“There there baby girl, don't need to cry. Accidents happen and we learn from them” Jake effortlessly soothes tuk. The little girl sniffed and controlled her tears better. Despite being bigger, tuk was snuggled up against Jake's chest, hearing his heartbeat. This was what she wanted. To be close with her dad again. And being so touch starved, she clinged on to him the most. 

“See, all better huh? Come on, let me see that smile. What is a mouse's favorite food?” Jake asks. Tuk gasped happily, she knows this one! 

“Cheese!” Tuk smiles happily, her tears and sadness washed away. Jake chuckles as holds her tighter. “That's right baby girl” Jake praises. Gently he rubs his forehead against hers, making tuk giggle in glee. His other children surround them, happy to see tuk calm and back to her happy self. Neytiri stood a bit distant, but calmed herself. Jake always knew how to calm their youngest baby. 

“What are you coming home dad? We miss you. I miss you a lot” Tuk whines a bit. Jake couldn't help but frown a bit. “I am not sure when tuktuk. Until uncle norm can find a way, I am like this” Jake answers honestly. But that wasn't enough for tuk. Growling a bit, she huffs. Like a little hamster. 

“Why can't you come home as you are? Spider can go wherever he wants. Why can't you do the same? There are a lot of masks” she asks stubbornly as she crosses her arms. 

Spider, who was beside Kiri, couldn't help but feel sad for jake. The man is in a worse position than he ever was. 

“True, but unlike spiders. I can't run, I can't even stand baby girl. My legs don't work like they used to” Jake answers with all the patience in the world. Tuk looks down at his legs, well what she can see since was wearing pants. Her ears pinned down, hating it more by the second. 

“Can't Eywa fix this? Doesn't she always help like mom says?” Tuk asks more, a little hope rising. Kiri shakes her head and goes over, gently placing a hand over tuk’s shoulder. 

“It doesn't work like that tuk. Our great mother doesn't just grant miracles like that. This is something that must be solved by uncle norm and the other scientists. They did this, so it is only right they find a solution themselves” kiri tells. 

But it seems that no matter how much they explain, tuk will still remain stubborn about bringing Jake back to their home. She understands the complications, but would rather refuse to see it. Like daughter, like mother. As in a way, tuk reflects what neytiri is doing. Avoiding the real problem. So Jake does his best to hold tuk, whispering comforting words into her ear. Which can only work for so long. 

At the same time, lo’ak turns and sees neytiri slowly, yet surly moving farther away. Confused at what she is doing, he goes over. “Mom? Don't you want to get close to dad?” he asks her in a low voice only for her to hear. But neytiri doesn't answer right away. Looking behind him and back at him, she answers in the same low voice. “I am fine, we are here for you and your siblings”. 

Jake noticed the silent conversation happening between his son and wife. It still hurts him that neytiri left only to come back using their kids as an excuse. It seems like real talk is long overdue. Gently moving tuk at his side, he effortlessly climbs back on his wheelchair. 

“Dad?” Neteyam calls out, curious what Jake will do. Smiling like nothing, Jake says, “Hey, why not bother the science guys? They have been playing pac-man all days. But dont break anything”. Giving full permission, they all smile and head off to bother the humans. Spider calls out to lo’ak to join them and he happily does. 

Leaving Neytiri and Jake alone. 

“Let's talk outside, yeah?”

The couple stood outside, as far as Jake's wheelchair allows to. He scratches the edges of the mask. He forgot what it felt like against his skin. It's itchy and uncomfortable. But he bares it. If it meant talking to his mate. 

“Neytiri….baby please. Why won't you look at me?” he asks. Before him, neytiri’s back was facing him. Rubbing her arms to comfort herself. 

“I'm sorry ma’jake…I can't” she confesses. Hesitant heavy in her tone. 

“Can't…or won't?” he confronts. She flinches. And he noticed. Sighing, Jake rubs the back of his neck. The straps itching his upper neck. “I know it's hard. Trust me I know. I had to learn everything again. That i'm…back to this. A useless being” . 

And neytiri couldn't bring herself to defend her mate. As twisted as it may sound. He was right. Jake couldn't do anything without his avatar. He could run, fight, or run a village. He couldn't do anything before the war. 

“But I know that being crippled is the least of your worries. The kids know, I know why you won't look at me. It's because I am back to being what you hate”. 

Don't say it. Please don't. 

“I am…” 

Stop it. 

“A sky demon”. 

“NO!” 

All that had wings, flew away. Startled by the sudden shriek of protest. 

What stance in silence is netyiri fully facing jake. Her fists clenching, heavy breathing, and eyes wide with inner thoughts that scramble to make sense. 

“Back at the secret base. When I passed out from the pandora air. You crawled in and saved me. Placed the mask over my face to let me breathe. You held me in your arms. You saw me. You SAW ME. A human. Looking past my avatar body. Accepting the truth, you feel for a human”. 

The more Jake spoke, the more his voice cracked. The more tears wanted to escape. 

“Why can't you now…?” 

Yes. Why couldn't she? 

“I don't know” was all she could say. No ounce of anger, resentment. Nothing. 

Nodding, but not fully understanding her words. Jake can only repeat it. “You don't know….so who else? Eywa cant help me with this. She helped me greatly before. And even I know, great miracles cant happen twice to the same person. It  must be earned. Fucking shit now I dont know what Im saying”. 

More silence fell between the two. Unsure of what to say. 

“Maybe it was a stupid mistake on my part. Letting myself be the guinea pig for the science guys experiment. I didn't know this would happen to me. I don't know myself” Jake says. Feeling more frustrated by the second. 

But again, he only received silence from neytiri. 

“Neytiri please, talk to me. I can't be the only one spewing out words” he begs. 

“If seeing me like this disgusts you-” 

“It does”. 

Now it was Jake's turn to be silent. 

“Your body disgusts me. I cannot see you as human. To me, you have always been na’vi. An Omatikaya. To see you as human, I am reminded of the past. What they did to our home. To my family. I refuse to look at you for the sake of protecting my memories of you. I will not look back at the past only to see you as human. I will, always will, remember and see you as na’vi. Nothing else”. 

There, she said it. All that had to be said. 

“And now…I see you as one of them”

2 more months have passed and there was no sign of things getting better. The village has grown wary of their absent olo’eyktan that Tsarem had taken the title as temporary. But even still, it can only keep the peace for so long. 

A peace that is fragile. So fragile, it can break at any moment, and chaos will ensue. 

A chaos the sully family is facing every day. Without Jake around, it has become harder to contain their four wild children. Lo’ak has taken more reckless adventures, tuk has been throwing more temper tantrums, kiri has shut down her emotions, and neteyam has become lost in what to do. And each problem took a toll on neytiri. The only time any of them behave is when they visit Jake back at the lab. 

The lab has become more of a home for the kids than back at their marui. 

Yet still, neytiri cant bring herself to go there often like her children. After her last conversation with Jake, confessing how she felt. Never again did she go back to see him. Still playing back the memories of when he was na’vi. Wanting to preserve that form of jake. Pretending he was around, doing his duties to the clan, pretending he was there beside her as she sleeps. 

Pretending everything is ok. 

And it is getting harder to play pretend. 

Until the day came, Jake snapped.

“Bro, do you think they will ever find a way to get dad back to being na’vi? Lo’ak asks. As each day passes, he notices the distance between his parents grow larger. His family is slowly being ripped apart. Lo’ak wishes for his dad to go back to being na’vi. With him back, everything will be ok again. 

It has too. 

“I'm not sure baby bro. But they are smart, Perhaps it takes longer to find a cure. It's not forever, I can feel it” neteyam encourages, But their little chit chat was cut short. They heard alarms going off at the lab. Running quickly, they find their father.

On the ground. 

Crawling. 

And without a mask. 

They were quick to be at his side, Jake was shaking uncontrollably, gasping heavily. Making inconceivable sounds. It was a scary sight. 

“Come on! We have to get him inside!” Neteyam picked up his dad by the legs, lo’ak by the arms. But as soon as they picked him up, spider ran outside with a spare mask. “Here here here!” spider quickly placed the mask on Jake, strapping it around his head really well. Guiding the brothers to put their dad down, they all sat in silence, anxiously waiting for Jake to respond. 

And what felt like forever, Jake gasped into the mask, taking deep slow breathes. The boys released huge breaths as well. Not realizing they were holding it in. 

“Dad, are you crazy!? What were you thinking?!” lo’ak was the first to yell at his father. Jake didn't mind. Letting it slide for now. 

“Thinking about your mom. If she isnt coming to me. Then god damn it I am going to her whether she likes it or not”.

At the sully marui, kiri and tuk were playing in silence as neytiri laid in her hammock, swaying absent minded. Kiri noticed how dull thing became. Their father brought life, structure, and happiness in their family. Kiri desperately wishes he would come back soon.

“DAD'S BACK!!” 

Damn that was soon. 

She and tuk looked down to see neteyam carrying their father in his back. In a hurry, the sisters helped bringing their dad inside of their home. Excited and happy he returned. Even in his small weak form .

Jake sat in the middle of their home, all of his kids talking at the same time. Tuk chanting “daddy's home” over and over. Lo’ak saying how stupid move it was to risk his life like that. Neteyam and Kiri being worried over nothing. He missed this. But the one thing he missed more. Was his wife. 

And neytiri, upon hearing the commotion, stood to see Jake there. In their home, smiling as their children talk to him. Their eyes meet. A wordless exchange was made. But quickly, and again, she looks away. 

“I'm not going anywhere, baby. I'm here to stay. Where I belong. Human or not” Jake states. He said it loud and clear, enough for her ears to point in his direction. Tuk jumps excitedly as she goes over and grabs her mothers hand,“Isn't that good mama? He can stay with us forever and ever!”. 

No, it's not good. 

“Dad is human obviously some stuff will change but he is back mom. We don't have to move back and forth, and we can play games like always, "Neteyam says, with new hope and happiness rising in his heart. All of the kids were feeling that. They can vision it. 

“No, he has to go back. Its not safe for him here. Nowhere is safe out here for him” Neytiri denies. Many begin to complain but they don't know what she sees. So many things can go wrong. Jake cant even climb up without help. It takes only one wrong move and he falls to his death. Or his oxygen tank runs out and no one is near to get him an extra. Death is easier to reach him now, easier to take him away entirely. And only then, would neytiri reach a new low in her life. 

“Then I will have to adapt, dont I? I won't be some damsel in distress” 

Neytiri internally groans. But she is grateful her husband still has  his stupid sense of humor. 

And things did shifted. 

Now Jake spends more time in the marui and neytiri spends more time at the lab. What is she doing over there? Secretly threatening the poor humans to hurry up and solve Jake's human problem. Her threats gotten so out of hand that Mo'at had to intervene. 

“Daring to send thanators after them? Have you lost your mind my daughter?” Mo’at asks neytiri in a stern but calm voice. Despite what expression the tsahik has, she is clearly pissed. Like a child, Neytiri sits still, stubborn and mad that she was caught. Mo’at sits across from her, examining her daughter's facial features, reading her like an open script. 

“Those humans are taking too long. They started their unwanted mess, so they should fix it” neytiri says. And mo’at can only sigh in annoyance. “Fix, fix fix, that is all you have said since the beginning. What is there to fix? Their machine?” Mo’at asks. Shaking her head, neytiri provides more. 

“Not that….Jake….he is not na’vi. He is not MINE anymore” 

This confuses her mother, neytiri goes on. 

“I have looked into the Eywa, seeking, hoping for an answer. I wanted her to help him as she did before. Yet Jake was right, nothing is done twice. I fear many things sa’nu. I fear losing my family. My mind. My mate….I cannot make tayshlu anymore with him. Yes, I can hold him close to me, but every time I see him. All I see is those disgusting, vile, sky demons. I feel utter disgust. The need to hurt him. To dig into his chest and bring out his na’vi body. Destroy his human shell, burn it, rip it apart.  I want him back to how he was. One of us. I fear my inner feelings will soon rise, and that I make a grave mistake that can never be taken back”. 

Hearing all that. It concerned Mo'at greatly. Those are dark thoughts that must be vanquished, if it grows more, she fears it will blind neytiri greatly. 

“What is preventing you child?” she whispers. 

Neytiri took a few seconds of silence, a small smile crept up to her lips. “His eyes…Jake's eyes are what prevents me from losing it all”. 

She goes on. 

“Jake’s eyes are the color of the sky. Very blue, and very beautiful. When I look into his eyes, I can only look for so long. They hold purity. If I stare into them for a long time, I might taint them with all the horrors I have seen. His blue eyes are pure sa’nok. Pure and good, but his body is not”.

Letting her words ponder in Neytiri's mind, she left. But mo’at prays to Eywa that her daughter won't make a foolish choice. 

 

Entering her home, there was warm light, the smell of something delicious cooking, and laughter. Opening the flaps, she sees Jake telling a story as their children all listen carefully. 

“And then, the lorax said…” 

Just hearing that word, Neytiri knows exactly what story Jake is telling. Their children might be too old to hear it, but the Lorax story was one of her personal favorites. She hasn't heard it in a long time. 

Neteyam looks up and notices her, waving his arm and everyone turns to see her. All warm smiles, welcoming her in. Jake looks at her, his patient and stupid smile, his blue eyes staring deep into her eyes. “Come in baby, I was just getting into the good part of the story” he says, kiri serving a bowl of their dinner to her, neytiri accepts as she makes herself comfortable on the opposite side of jake. 

“What story are you telling?” she asks, and in unison, her family happily responds, “the lorax!”. Smiling slightly, she listens. Letting jake continue his story, his voice soft and calm. His way of talking never changed. Always so calm and peaceful. If she closes her eyes, it will be just like how it was. 

Some time has passed, and neytiri was able to stare at Jake longer and more comfortably. Talking more like how they used to, while she is still hesitant to touch him for long periods of time, she is forever grateful how patient Jake is with her. But it seems her children haven't changed much, they are still themselves. Yet just as foolish as their father. 

“Tonight, the children will stay with mo’at” neytiri says one morning, Jake pauses what he was doing and looks over at his mate. “Oh? May I know why?” he asks curiously, seeing how neytiri’s tail was moving, he grins. 

“I thought we could use a little break from them. And just be the two of us-” 

“You want a date night” 

“Yes” 

A burst of laughter erupts in the home, Jake knows her too well. He can read her mind at this point. Looking over, he can see her beautiful smile returning. Bright and lovely. Making his way over with big leaps with his hands, neytiri gets closer. Her eyes staring into his. “You could have said that from the start,” he says. Neytiri places her forehead against his. “Not fun” she says. 

Looking into Neytiri's eyes, he knows what she wants. Who is he to deny her. 

Loosening the straps, he starts to take off the mask. Neytiri sees this and starts to panic, “ma’jake what are you doing? No, stop it!” She holds the mask. 

“Come on baby, what's fun without some risks?” Jake asks playfully.. Taking it off completely, he brings neytiri’s face close to his and kisses her with all the love and passion he had for her. Neytiri wanted to pull away, but felt his lips on her. She caved in, her hand on the back of his head, deepening the kiss. 

What felt like forever, they pulled away. Jake was quick to put the mask on, smirking. “See? I'm fine, but I don't mind another one”. 

Scoffing, she grins, “you skxawng” 

 “your skxawng”.

Night fell, the two mates held each other close. Neytiri sighed happily, she likes this. Likes holding jake in her arms, for once she can top him. Taking in his features more and more, she wanted to admire his good looks. His hair did grew out, and lofts to run her fingers through them. So soft and lovely. His arms strong and muscular, his confident smile ever so contagious. 

“Even if the science guys cant fix me-” 

“No, not fix. Cannot fix something that is not broken” 

Jake looks up at her, surprised but a welcoming one. Brining himself closer into her arms, both let their love and peace lure them into sleep. Happily welcoming what becomes of their new normal. 

Yet as they sleep, they didnt notice Jake’s tablet flashing a light. A message from norm. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaand that is it for this one! NGL I had fun writing this one. Took me a bit but I am glad how it turned out. Until next time! See ya!

[igotyupls]

Big Score

WC: 1100? Anyway, took this from my previously written wattpad book, took that down, cause Jesus looking back my writing was horrendous, so is this, just a little proofreading but it still is shit, only posting this cause I feel bad lmao, I just need like a few hundred words to finish the two actual stories I was going to post but I can’t move my right arm without feeling like my sides on fire so anyway, at the time of writing this like in 2021, I replayed gta5 for the nth time so this is based off of that just a shittier, lamer, bs rendition lol

"Ready?" Y/N asked his partner Trevor as they sat in the getaway-car waiting for the right time to rob the bank.

"Oh fuck yeah I am" Trevor replied to Y/N in his equally "excited" voice.

"Our big score huh” Y/N emphasized , putting on his mask while T does the same, and jumping out and making their way into the bank,

Opening the door, and rubbing inside inside as T took down the security guard hitting him in the back of the head. While Y/N jumped over the counter,

"EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU GET BACK FROM THE COUNTER AND ON YOUR KNEES" He yelled, waving his M762 at the few workers In front of him.

Luckily , they listened scared shitless for their lives as Y/N took their phones in tandem with T, who’s taking the phones from the customers, once done,

"Bank manager, Get the hell up!" Y/N barked, and after a few seconds a man in his late 50's got to his feet.

"Not you!" Y/N said shoving the man back on the floor, and pointing towards a woman, "Her" he says, staring dead straight at the actual bank manager.

"EVERYONE GO TO THE FUCKING FRONT!" Y/N yells, making the rest of the workers go around to join the customers, quivering on the marble floor,

While he drags the manager unceremoniously towards the vault, as Trevor deals with the rest, keeping an eye on them

"When is the time lock going to be released ?" Y/N asks her, even though he knows when,

"At around 9 a clock" the manager blurt out shuttering through her sentence.

"Don't lie to me, it's gonna be released at 08:30, I fucking know that shit!" He says shaking her with one hand as he grits his teeth, eyes steely behind his mask, before gruffly letting out a breath

"Listen, I won't hurt you, but that dude over there ," Y/N says as calmly as he can while pointing at Trevor, who's taunting the others with his gun, like a mad man if not a pure lunatic,

"I can't say the same thing for him, so don't get yourself killed for somebody else's cash" He says patronizingly shaking her shoulder, while watching the clock, only 15 seconds left on it, "Alright, open it" He tells her once the clock reaches 08:30.

She shakes, both from the fear and the adrenaline raving inside her body but she gets it open and then gets dragged inside with Y/N while he starts shoving cash in his bag,

Once the bag's filled to the brim, Y/N leads the manager back to the front where everyone else is,

That's when he sees T talking to a female customer and harassing her, scoffing in frustration, Y/N pulls him back,

"You're supposed to be looting the drawers, you horny fuck!" He says bewildered to say the least,

Making Trevor wave his hand dismissively, blabbering a lame excuse "I already did, fucking hell, I'm just having a little fun." Smirking a little, "I'm thinking I might take her with us-" he says, only to get shutdown,

"That's not happening, T" Y/N says pretty straightforward..

But of course; Trevor doesn't get simplicity, "This is the big score and I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want" he says before pushing Y/N, almost making him drop his loaded bag, while he saunters to the woman, "Come here girly"

*THUNK* he falls short however as Y/N, smacks him with the back of his M7 knocking him into oblivion, followed by a thud as the heavy bag of loot falls from Trevor's shoulder,

"You fucking idiot, T" Y/N mutters, kicking Trevor's unconscious body, before checking his watch, no time to waste but he needs that second loot bag,

"Ay, you" He calls back pointing to a brunette woman, kneeling in the corner with the rest of the customers, "What's your name?"

"Lisa" The said brunette says back, astonishingly less afraid than the rest,

Y/N nods, "Okay Lisa. You are going to pick up my friend's bag and come with me" He says kicking the bag, making it skid to Lisa,

"no, she won't " some wannabe macho-man suddenly yells as he gets to his feet and stands in front of Lisa, angering the already fiery rage in Y/N,

"don't be a hero today, you'll get killed" He says deathly calm, hand already on his trigger, he didn’t come in thinking he’d kill, but now he doesn’t care,

But people do say, women are smarter than men, as Lisa inches closer,

“I'll come, just-, don't hurt the others " she says shakily, but it seems fake as she brushes past the so called blubbering hero and hurls up T's bag.

Y/N pulls her in front of him, using her as a human shield,

"Dont any of you dare follow us, otherwise you'll also be on the ground like him" Y/N says pointing towards T, while he kicks him again for good measure,

Getting out of the bank while making sure Lisa was in front of him, he rushed to the getaway car, shoving her quickly in the passenger side and tossing the loots in the back, he runs to the driver's side, driving away as quickly as he possibly can.

Speeding out of the city fast, at a constant speed and the constant feel of the silence around him and the dewy brown eyes on him,

Y/N finally stops the car inside one of the tunnel entrances under a random bridge, “Yes?" He says quirking one eyebrow, but of course she doesn’t answer so he takes off his mask, throwing it carelessly wherever,

"T had it coming, okay?" He says shrugging while faux jutting his bottom lip,

"Yeah, I guess so, but I didn't think you would knock him out , like actually, Y/n" she finally says, with a chuckle, and a shake of her head,

“Meh” is all Y/N says shrugging, seeming almost childish and not the big; bad robber from just minutes ago,

They stare at each other for a few more seconds before breaking into smiles, "we get extra money this time huh?" she speaks up again,

Y/N nods with a cheeky smile, pulling her into his chest and pecking her temple, “Mhm” he answers lazily while hugging her, as police cars zoom past the tunnel entrance sirens blaring,

But Lisa just hugs his arm, not even flinching, “I love you" is all she says snuggling closer

a/n: yikes man, what was middle schooler me thinking, this is deffo getting removed once I start posting “sophisticated” one shots lmao🥲

[msookyspooky]

  Fours a Franchise

Part 15

wordcount: 9,337

Your phone rang, scaring all of you at the sudden loud noise…Who the hell could be calling you? What if it was Dewey telling you he knew exactly where you are and he was coming for you or already there? Or what about Gale to tell you she had evidence to back up Jill and you were finished? Your entire body froze as you felt like you didn't breathe for several rings.

Billy jerked to look at you from the kitchen. Worry and tension in his body language as well as Stu's.

Stu stiffened and sharply told you, “Man, turn that off!” Leery of being tracked.

Billy looked at you in warning as well.

You tentatively picked it up and you saw the caller ID across your screen.

…Karla Meeks.

“Do not answer that.” Billy ordered firmly. “I don't care who it is!”

“I…” You fumbled in thought. Guilt eating you alive.

Karla…God, how can you forget her in all this mess? Her husband is dead. You lost a friend but she lost her husband in such a savage way…And it was your fault even indirectly. If you hadn't let him go no matter how mad he was. If you wouldn't have seperated to talk to Billy and Stu in the first place. If you just stayed at his house and took the risk of being unknowingly across the street from one of the killers...None of this may have happened…You owed her somehow even just a voice. Someone did.

“Sweetcheeks, don't answer!” Stu agreed with him as Stu tried to get up from his chair but was having a tough time with how in pain he was. Letting out a sharp ‘Oof!’ noise of pain as he went to move with his injured ribs and internal injuries stitched up. His equilibrium was off too, no doubt from a concussion from the metal bed pan Jill beat him with.

Billy went to drag his bum leg towards you to grab that slighlty cracked smartphone. Damaged from falling off a roof and the night you had. Billy was too slow as you took a huge risk and answered it. It was just such a knee jerk reaction to answer the last friend you had in the world. You couldn't live with yourself missing that call…She was the only person that didn't look at you like a traitor or killer now.

Stu harshly whispered out with wide eyes, “Did you seriously just answer it? YN!”

“Goddamn you. Give it!-” Billy rubbed his face as you answered, still going to take it but you just scooted away as you had it on speaker phone. A familiar woman asking ‘hello?’ and saying your name repeatedly on the other line.

You swallowed and finally spoke. “...Karla?”  

“YN?...You answered. Oh God. Oh my God, YN… Where are you?” She drew out with such a heavy voice clad with woe and tiredness.

“I…Can't say.” Your eyes darted around as Billy and Stu watched with disapproval at you talking to her at all. Billy still trying to get that phone as you held up a pillow to block him. All of you with the fighting power of senior citizens with how banged up you all were. He gave up after a few attempts not nearly as much fight as he had in the hospital.

“Dewey, won't say either. But you were with Randy last night. Right? YN…YN, what happened?”

Your heart ached as you heard her voice tremble on the other line.

“YN, how did it happen? How did Randy-'' She sobbed out; losing her barely there composure on the other line. “Please, what happened? How did my husband get away from you, please…Please, YN, please I can't-”

Of all the things to make you instantly hurt; it was this. Karla and Randy's kids crying and talking in the background as you were frozen in your seat. You heard Mindy yell, ‘He's not dead!’ at the news. Refusing to believe at the tender age of 6 that her Daddy was gone.

It's like reality was fully setting in…You almost broke down when Randy saw Billy and Stu last night, when you found Randy dead last night, at the Meeks house, when you almost died twice, when Dewey wanted nothing to do with you, the car ride but…This was just too much after 24 hours of straight Hell.

You couldn't hold it in as tears sprung to your eyes and your lip wobbled. Quickly shoving your palm over your mouth to prevent it.

Billy watched with a tight stoic look. Mouth thin as he watched you, almost curious but slightly annoyed. Whether at you or the situation was debatable. Looking uncomfortable and even shocked at you crying after all these years of you never showing this side of you. Not to him, at least.

Stu on the other hand had seen this a handful of times before back when he visited your cabin years ago. When it was just you and him searching for Billy to investigate Hollywood as well. He still looked shocked at first before he just frowned and tried to ease himself up with a tired sigh.

“Karla, I'm sorry…God, it's my fault! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” You cried out; repeating your words as you covered your eyes. Hiccuping on a sob you tried to choke down.

“YN, please you have to tell me! No one has details…My husband's gone…Mindy and Chad won't stop crying when they heard; I can't stop-” She was almost hysterical at this point. Her heart more broken than even yours 

You released a soft sob as you heard a child screaming in the background. You wanted to scream too. They were only 6…They were only 6. They were practically babies to you.

You both were sobbing as you tried so hard to suck in a shaky breath to speak, “Karla, I'm gonna make this right by you. I swear…I'm gonna make this as easy for you all as I can.”

“YN, I just need answers! Dewey won't say anything! What the fuck happened and why aren't you in Woodsboro?! Your suitcase is here, you're not at the hospital and no one is telling me anything!” She exclaimed at her wits end.

You ignored her request and just told her in a solemn voice, “I won't be coming to Ray's funeral.” Tears rolled down your cheeks as you gave that shaky reply.

“What? But-”

You interrupted her, “I am gonna miss you and the kids. Tell Mindy and Chad I love them and no matter what anyone says about me; don't believe it…Please…Remind them how proud Ray was…H-How much he loved them and you…He loved you a lot Karla.” You couldn't do it as a cry threatened to wrack your body painfully and you shut your phone off before she could reply. Her voice was going to say something but what was there to say? You could never go to Woodsboro again. You couldn't tell her the truth. Your guilt would never allow you to see them again even if you could go to Woodsboro…

You let it drop from your hands onto the sofa as you held your face in your hands. Sobbing like you hadn't in years. Now that Ghostface wasn't after you; it was a release. You were backed in a corner so many times and you just couldn't be strong anymore…Hearing Karla sobbing for her husband. For your best friend as it all came crashing into you. Remembering the video of him begging for his life Charlie showed; hanging lifeless and pale from the barn. Not to mention, your last conversation and now your last conversation with Dewey too. Woodsboro ‘96 all over again if not 10 times worse. You couldn't be stoic right now even if you tried.

You finally looked up seeing both Billy and Stu staring wide eyed like young boys unsure what to say or do. Stu went to go near you to console you but faltered as you sucked on a sob trying to escape your lips. Teary eyes glanced at them both.

Everyone just froze, not sure what to say.

Billy went to say it, “You shouldn't have done that, it was an idiot thing to do. What if they get our location and…”

But one glance at you and he sighed reluctantly. Averting his gaze to go to the kitchen. Avoiding this.

Stu hesitated before easing with a hiss of pain onto the end of the couch near you. “...You…Alright?”

“No, Stu! I'm not alright! My best friend is dead, I can never see my god-kids ever again, my other friend thinks I'm a murderer, I'm on the run with stab wounds and could have a ruptured organ in me but can't go get it checked out and all because you two 15 years ago-” You were about to say what you've said for years to them when you saw Stu give a tight frown and looked away. Not even defending himself for once even if he looked annoyed. You faltered and stopped yourself. “I'm sorry…But no, I'm not fucking okay.” You gave in a heavy teary voice.

Stu nodded and rubbed your back with what he could do with his one arm. “Yeah…” He mumbled.

You gave a shaky sigh. “Sorry…It's just too much.”

Stu sighed too and leaned forward with a raised brow in thought as he stared at the carpet. “...You know, Ray isn't your fault.” You huffed but he continued, “No seriously. The guy chose to seperate and go against his rules…I mean, did he even wait for you or was he just gonna get in the car and leave you with a killer on the loose?”

You didn't answer.

Stu eyed you. “...Him getting killed was crappy timing and the killers knew that. If anything, you could blame us for talking to you or going to the party…Shit happens.”

You shook your head at how callous Stu could be. “Shit doesn't happen when your best friend is hung from a barn gutted and bled out, Stu…” You sniffed hard and replied in a monotone.

“Okay…But are you going to blame yourself like you do everything else? Cause it's really a turn off when you do.”

You rolled your eyes. “Oh a turn off. Can't have that.” You sarcastically replied before sighing with a shrug. “I…I don't know…I know I didn't kill him…Fucking Charlie-” You shook your head in disgust.

Stu replied, “Yeah. What a jerkoff loser.” His blue downturned eyes glanced at you in determination. “I should've slit his throat when I had the chance. I didn't know they had a gun…That was my fuck up. I get too-”

“Cocky?”

“I was gonna say excited.” He smirked wryly and gently nudged you.

You forced a small tight smile a moment but it didn't last. You shrugged with a tired sigh and sniffled, your tears slowly drying. “Yeah well, the cops confiscated my gun because I threatened some boys that were laughing and recording Randy's dead body right in front of us.”

“Damn…”

“I didn't even threaten them with the gun, just maybe hitting a minor.” You grumbled.

“Kids suck and people suck in general.” He mused.

You wanted to rip his ass. Tell him he thought Woodsboro ‘96 was ‘like Christmas!’ and was elated at Himbry's body displayed by Billy on the football fielf. He was, would and is just like those boys Kirby chased off for you.

You shook your head realizing as your mind wasn't in fight or flight mode…Shit…She died too. She must've not listened and went outside when you got a kitchen knife and separated.

You rolled your lips and muttered, “If I had my gun, Dewey's gun technically, I would've at least shot Jill or Charlie before you both even got there and none of this would've happened…But fucking Judy-” You scoffed with an annoyed sniffle at the memory of last night.

“Shoulda, woulda, coulda.” Stu sighed in exasperation. “Seriously, Sweetcheeks. The damage is done, girl. I know it sucks but me and Billy screwed up too and we aren't dwelling on it. Ya know why? Because it doesn't do anything.”

You slowly nodded to yourself. They had a lifetime of screw ups. Knowing even if they won't admit it. If they could have not been so stupid and brash to kill so many at a party they would be way better off…And you'd feel guilty for a while but logically he was right. Randy was dead. Dewey hated you. Gale showed she hasn't changed as well as secretly still disliked you and just waited for a reason to say she was right all these years. You may be in prison soon…And there was nothing to be done about it.

“You're right.”

Stu blinked in surprise. “...Well that's new. I like it. You should admit I'm right more often, Sweetcheeks.” You couldn't help the wry quiet chuckle as you hung your head and Stu eyed you. “This is nice. We haven't really talked in person one on one in a decade, huh? Outside of killer talk at least.”

“Yeah, I guess not…”

“Did ya miss me?” He teased.

You sighed not crying anymore even if your eyes still sting and your heart still twisted. “Sometimes.” You were not willing to fully admit right now that yes. Yes, you did.

Billy came back eavesdropping a bit from the open kitchen door frame as the silence stretched on.

Stu stared longer. "You did?"

"Yeah. Sometimes...Sometimes I did."

Stu stared wide eyed. His gaze softening and scooting closer. He then went to hug you or kiss you; you weren't sure which but you jerked away in pain with your stomach as well as just not wanting touched right now, “…No.” While stopping him as he stared at you long and hard. “I'm sorry but…I'm just not comfortable with that right now.”

“I was just…We hugged at the barn. So, I just thought it would be…” He shrugged, trailing off.

“I know. A part of me would want one if I wasn't in so much turmoil and pain…My body hurts and my heart and head and…It's not the time.” You mumbled.

“I mean, I think it's a perfect time.”

You were silent, getting uncomfortable with his persistent personality of you giving an inch and he took it 100 miles on a highway with how he reacted to things. You admit you missed him sometimes meant you were madly in love and wanting his attention he so generously gave no matter what in his ears.

You stared at the floor before Stu said, “I'm sorry for your friend, uh. It sucks…But…I'm here, you know. I can be a shoulder to cry on or anything you want. I know even if I say don't beat yourself up you will so…I'm your guy to talk to.”

He kept urging, kept getting close as can be, kept talking like he didn't see social ques to leave you be or he was that full of himself that you'd give in for him. With Stu, it was debatable.

Billy commented, “Stu…I don't think she wants to talk right now…Just let her sort things out in her head.” He crossed his arms and watched.

“I'll let her be the judge of that.” Stu gave him a haughty look.

“…Billy's right, I just need time alone.” You mumbled as you were clearly devastated and hurting and uncomfortable.

“Billy's right…Pft, yeah.” He repeated with a puff of air past his lips. A strange look in his eyes before he just stared between you both being his blunt self. A hateful matter of fact tone to his voice now. “Yeah, well. You can never go back. You know that, right? Woodsboro is dead to you now.”

You sucked in a breath almost ready to tell him to leave you alone. “Yes, I know that.”

“Good, cause…You might not even be able to go home. Like, home home. To your cabin.”

You gave him a glare, “In time-”

He shrugged, “You're better off here. With us. I mean, I'm here for you.” He went to put an arm around you like he did earlier but this time more forceful.

You rolled your eyes at that knowledge as it made you feel worse. You shrank away from him and finally just told him, “Stu, I really wanna be alone.”

Billy watched as Stu's face contorted. “Stu.” Billy mumbled trying to get his attention hoping he'd just drop it.

“You were fine till Billy came in…” He grumbled under his breath.

“What?” You blinked.

Stu was silent and got up. “...Nothing…Just hope Karla didn't have that phone tracing the call with the police.”

You felt your gut sink. You were so tired and emotional fucked up you truthfully didn't think. Just eager to hear from her.

“I'm going to bed.” Stu mumbled his entire mood shifting as he crept slowly to Billy's room in the back of the trailer.

Billy huffed and after a few moments rolled his eyes. “I guess he's taking my food and bed. Great.” He sarcastically mumbled then sighed heavily. Easing with grimace to lean over a chair a moment.

“...What was that about?” You softly asked Billy.

The man shrugged, “Who fucking knows?…He's right though. You did something stupid as hell answering that phone.”

“I know. I'm sorry.” You admitted not even trying to deny it. “It was stupid and I'm sorry I put us at risk. It won't happen again.”

Billy's face contorted in annoyance, “STOP that.”

“Huh?” You blinked. “Stop what??”

“The docile bullshit of agreeing with me. STOP.”

You huffed out. “Would you rather us argue and fight and me disagree?”

“Yeah! Actually, I would.” He grumbled then scoffed while rubbed his face. “I'm not use to you so close and us not trying to one up each other or kill you…It's fucking weird.”

You chuckled wryly. You couldn't help it.

“Shut up.” He jeered with a twitch of his brow in irritation and embarrassment.

“You're allergic to niceness, aren't you?” You couldn't help it. His expression was hilarious for a guy like him. You had to make fun of him a little bit just hopefully not enough for him to stab you.

“No, just allergic to not killing you.” He side eyed you, “...Annoying ass bitch.”

You weren't even insulted. Because right now, this grown man who was usually so damn glarey and stoic and intimidating was injured severely and almost gave you a pout like some pre teen boy all because you were being decent to him and he felt awkward. You chuckled and Billy tsked with an eye roll but just retorted another ‘Shut up or I'll gut you.’ your way. Same generic shit you've heard for years.

You stopped chuckling and just sighed with a slight smile. “...This is…Weird for me too, ya know. Stuck in the house of the guy that tried to kill me on and off for 15 years…. Being all. Well…Civil.”

Billy shrugged, “I didn't try that hard at all or you'd be dead by now.” I sniffed nonchalantly.

You had to give an eye roll; it was like breathing at this point. God, both men were so arrogant. Billy couldn't possibly admit you beat him. No way. ‘He wasn't trying’ would forever be his excuse. 

Billy watched you with his own smug smirk in place at your exasperation. “Your food's done by the way. Don't make a mess or anything if you're even capable of that.”

You went to retort something but he already went outside to have a smoke. You mumbled to yourself, “Asshole.” You mumbled lacking the disdain you usually had. He couldn't do anything nice without being a dick. Go figure. You pushed to rise up

You ate the food he got out of a can some off brand chef boyardee. Really chewing. Kinda scared to eat with how your insides may or may not be injured and stitches reopened from Jill.

The time passed and you didn't know where Billy's remote was for the tv or if it even worked. It looked pretty old. The couch was honestly not that comfortable and had way too ‘natural’ of a smell for your liking. You huffed and sighed the pain mildly dulled by the pills Billy gave you but you finally just decided…There was just too much on your mind. Especially with Billy. Stu was an open book, manipulative but so self serving he was still easy to read. He was acting odd, yeah…But his odd moodiness wasn't in your mind. Besides, he was asleep. You didn't want to wake him.

Billy not killing you, allowing you refuge in his home, helping you fight Jill and Charlie, the moment you both had. That was on your mind.

You put on the jacket you had hanging from Stu grabbing your stuff at the hospital and stepped outside a moment in socks and that gown still.

"What?"

"Nothing just stepping outside. I don't need anything." You gave pulling your jacket tighter around yourself.

Billy was leaning over the railing with his cigarette dwindling and head hanging but looked up and huffed, “Aren't you cold?”

You pulled it closer. “You never gave me that flannel or spare clothes.”

He sighed, “Shit…Well, you don't need to stay in that bloody gown-”

He went to walk but you stopped him. “In a minute. I kinda wanna get fresh air and wouldn't mind company. I'm kinda scared of being alone. It's stupid but after…Everything. I got this irrational paranoia someone is gonna pop out and grab me. Or cops now, apparently.”

"Well, at least I know I can still make you scream from just popping out with a bargain bin mask yelling 'boo!'..." He faltered, then almost softened a bit. Nodding in understanding. “I get it though. I was like that for years.”

“Does the fear of being ‘caught’ ever go away?”

He took a drag and smirked slightly, “Nope.”

You sighed at that and eased onto a lawn chair he had on the porch.

It was silent before you asked, “What is Stu mad about?”

He shrugged, face souring. “Oh who knows. He gets like this. He bull's and manipulates to get his baby ass way…Same as a decade ago apparently.”

You blinked. “Oh.”

“What?”

You fiddled with your jackets zipper, “Just…I thought you both talked this last decade?”

“Please.” Billy wryly smirked. “We aren't ‘friends’ like that. Not now. I used him 15 years ago. He betrayed me for you. We both betrayed each other, I guess…We don't have a need for each other. Haven't talked in over a decade till he called me up saying someone put the mask on again.” He looked distant as he mumbled this to you.

“...So you really don't miss him as a friend?”

“No.” He took a drag and you were skeptical of that but didn't press. “You can't befriend a manipulative self serving guy like him."

"That include you in that?" You retorted.

To your shock, he nodded. "In fact, you can't befriend anyone. I don't care about anyone because no one will care about me.”

"Seriously? You actually think that? That's not true.”

“Oh? Look at Dewey.”

"Don't bring him in this." You quickly glared at him.

"Hey, he's an example. Didn't take him long to turn on you."

“ Dewey got his sister killed by you then thinks I'm with you and Stu and helped hide you both even in 96. That's understandable. I know you gave a shit about your mom and I don't see you too upset over Cotton's death.”

He gave a scowl at you bringing up his mother. “Sorry...Dewey and Randy are sore spots. It's fresh, Billy. But they were my friends for over a decade.”

He relented and nodded That surprised you. “Yeah well, me and Stu aren't friends. We don't get attatched either. We both are too self preserving for that.”

You took that in then frowned in thought. “...But why after all this time do you both keep trying to be…That way? I mean, trusting no one or relying on no one forever?”

He looked at you like you were stupid “To get his way; why else? And for me, it's survival.”

“No, I know that! Duh." You grumbled in irritation "But…Forever? Is survival or getting your way that important? More important than being happy-”

"Happiness is killing." He cut you off. "Contentment is knowing I'm not caught. Survival is making sure of that by not trusting anyone."

A moment of tense silence etched on. It was so disarming hearing him talk like that. Of course you knew he liked murder but he made himself sound like he was like a mindless rapid dog and it's all he knew...Maybe because it was?

“...Why did you both become like this?” You suddenly asked.

Billy wiped his head to look at you, eyes widening. Clearly not expecting that.

You frowned and continued while gazing at the dark road in front of the trailer. “I understand you with your family. I get it you felt like you lost it all but Stu seemed so spoiled and normal. So…Why?”

"Damn, you came out here to do an interview or what?" Billy settled and truly pondered while dangling his cigarette between his teeth. “..Why does Stu manipulate? I don't know. Probably learned early on that's how he gets whatever he wants. It's how I learned after I reached puberty and apparently my looks outweighed my loner attitude. You can be weird and off putting and an asshole and as long as your conventional attractive you can get away with it.” You looked listened, taken aback he was so kandid with you as he continued. “You know how much of an overgrown baby Stu is when he doesn't get his way…He had rich parents that were always gone and an overachieving older sister and he probably just learned to get his way by using people.” He shrugged. “As for why he's the way he is; The hell should I know? He's always been down for murder since day one. Barely had to convince him. In fact, he urged me on. I knew out of anyone I knew; Stu would be the perfect scapegoat if shit went wrong and he was the one down to do whatever we needed.”

'Ah.' You thought to yourself. So…He was always like this? Sadistic, cruel, impulsive, manipulative, brash, charming. It made sense.

"And you?"

"None of your business." He mumbled.

You sighed, "Fair enough." But you still had so much on your mind. “...Do you still…You know.” You gave a pause, trailing your sentence off. “Want me dead?"

Billy stared for a moment before averting his gaze. The silence defeaning while he was taking a drag of his cigarette while thinking. “... I hate your fucking guts and imagine killing you quite often. In great detail at that.”

You hung your head expecting that answer with a wry humorless smirk. Nodding to yourself. Of course. What else did you expect?

Billy eyed you subtle before clearing his throat. "But not right now. Obviously. I don't give my victims Spaghetti-o's."

You had to give a dry chuckle at that and he slighlty smirked at the reaction.

He fiddled with a piece of wood splintered off the porch railing and mumbled, “But, I'll admit…It's not as strong recently. But it's there.” He shrugged with an awkward clearing of his throat as he shifted on his feet. Hanging his head as he leaned over the porch. The night air was getting crisp like it always did this time of year as you pulled the jacket around yourself more. You almost wanted to go in but how often did you talk to Billy without Stu's flirting or crude jokes?

“I…Look um, I never said this. You know about what happened between us in '96. Not calmly anyways...” You ran a hand over your head. “Billy, I just wanted you both to stop killing my friends and trying to kill me, okay? It's the only reason I ever…Did anything. If it wasn't for that, I would've left you both alone if you left me alone.”

“YN.”

“Seriously. I didn't make it a life's mission to kill you or put you behind bars ONLY when you were actively coming after me or my friends. Fuck, you were hunting ME. I-”

“Shut up already.” He looked annoyed but yet there wasn't as much annoyance as he normally possed in the way he spoke to you, “Look, I get it. It's a dog eat dog world. I wasn't innocent or framed…In retrospect…If it wasn't you; it would've been someone else trying to stop me back then. I was overzealous…Only because I was young and pissed off. Kinda glad it was you. You chickened out and it made me live.”

“Yeah, you're welcome.” You sarcastically gave.

Billy actually chuckled dryly, “Ah, there's that bitch I fight with. Thought she was gone and replaced by the sniveling wuss I've been seeing.”

“Whatever.” You gave with a heavy frown. “Not exactly in the joking mood with someone still admitting to wanting to imagine killing me after the night I had ."

Billy smiled in amusement. “Stop being so melodramatic. I told you; If I wanted you dead I'd do it. I have control of my urges, I'm not a dog like Stu.” He looked up at the sky. “...Why are you really out here?”

“Fresh air.”

“Shit liar, as usual. If you came out her to ask a million questions and bother me then just ask the big one and get it over with.”

You scoffed, brow twitching at him calling you out...There were a lot of reasons, “Fine…Stu then.” You only told half the truth. “He's behaving weird and it has me on edge.”

“Ah…Well a decade ago you followed me out on my smoke break cause Stu and you pissed me off. Here you are once again. And Stu is the common denominator. He gets on his little hyperfixations and it's like a bull seeing red and neither of us wanna deal with that.” He took a drag of his cigarette. “Only this one is you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You.” He blew out smoke then put out his dwindling cigarette. “Something about you always has him in one tizzy or another. You're like an obsession for him.”

“That's comforting.” You sarcastically mumbled. “But it makes sense. He's probably still mad that I'm not running into his arms.” The silence stretched out before you looked at him, “But my question isn't entirely Stu. Stu is probably doing this to see if I get another chance with him or boredom something...Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Being…Decent to me. Last time I saw you we had a screaming match in my yard in the pouring rain and you almost killed me in my cabin. We said some harsh things.”

“Like how I can't kill you?” He jeered with a glare. “...Makes me wanna kill you right now, actually, out of pure spite. Just to prove a point. So how about not bringing up old shit?”

You didn't even fight back. Just slumping your shoulders. “Yeah…Fine.” You looked up at the sky. “I have nothing. No weapons. No one to help me…So, if you want to kill me…You can. No remarks just…Whatever.”

He stared at you. “...Well not if you're gonna be so pathetic about it. Takes all the fun out of it.” He offered a wry smirk.

You just tsked and rolled your eyes not too use this…Joking, helpful, decent Billy. Not since High school when it was supposedly all an act according to him.

He grew more serious as you didn't reply or smile. “YN, I can kill you. But there's no fun or reason when you're already so down. I have waited too long to kill you to do it when you're boring.”

You scoffed in disgust, “What am I? Game? I gotta run and fight for you to kill me?”

He shrugged with a smugbsmirk while smoking his cigarette.

You just narrowed your eyes and looked away. The silence etched on before Billy lit another cigarette. “If you're gonna bother me out here, let's not talk about killing or what we could or should have done. Let's change the subject...So… You're a writer now? Big hotshot writer, huh? Looking down on all the little people and Sidney's bratty cousin supposedly wanted a piece of that life too?”

“Hardly. My publicists edited my work so much it might as well have been ghost written…Jill can have it. I don't want fame. I never did.” You gave a glum sigh in reply. 

“Never?”

“Hell no.” You retorted bitterly. “I only wrote to make money and appease people.”

“Okay, what about ‘In Darkness’?”

…

That made you pause a beat or two.

You gave him an odd look. It completely took you out of your funky mood because…No, that must have been a slip of the tongue.

“You mean ‘Out of Darkness’?”

He eyed you, “No. In Darkness…By Robert Gray.” He gave matter of factly. A coy smile playing on his lips as you looked shocked. “Ah, that name is familiar to you, huh?”

“How…How did you??-”

No one knew about your fictional books that tanked on the side of writing ‘Out of Darkness’ for your ex publicists. Not even Randy when he was discarding the ‘cheap’ books off the table in his book store days ago including the one secretly written by you. He had no idea as he mumbled how no one read them. You just didn't say anything because of how badly it did.

You were so flabbergasted it creeped you out! Damn! Was Billy stalking you or something?? How of all people did he know your secret hobby??

Billy sighed heavily. Turning and leaning back on the railing as he answered your question. “...I don't know. Robert Gray? Pennywise's alter ego? The movie we obsessed over that one year calling Randy Ritchie just because he looked just like Seth Green's geeky ass just without the glasses? Remember Stu shoved those fake Halloween ones on his face to prove it?”

You…You actually smiled a little. So he did remember things, huh? Just like he tried acting like he remembered nothing from High School in Taco Bell's parking lot a decade ago.

“Then the whole title of in Darkness versus out of Darkness; do you think you're really smart or everyone else is extremely dumb?”

You couldn't help the shocked snort of laughter that escaped past your lips. Billy almost always made an effort to forget anything to do with your friendship in the past and here he made you remember a memory that actually started the whole ‘Seth Green versus Randy’ joke to begin with! Probably why Randy hated it so much because Billy of all people started it as a mockery. You had forgotten about it, really. You stared in a bit of wonder before…

Billy faltered looking shocked, “... Why are you crying, the fuck?” He almost panicked seeming unnerved by you just having tears springing to your eyes.

It was both happy and sad tears that involuntarily welled in your eyes at a much happier memory with a friend you just lost. “Sorry, sorry! Just brought back a good memory.” You said whilr smiling and wiping your eyes.

"Well, stop it!" He frowned but just blew air past his lips. “It's...It's too weird seeing you like this. Stop or I'm leaving. I mean it." He ordered with a scowl.

You shrugged but nodded still smiling at the memory. Momentarily forgetting Randy's death in place of young him pouting with a blush as you all laughed and replied ‘beep beep Ritchie’ after Billy pointed it out. Then it just snowballed to him being Seth Green as a playful jab to any nerdy character the actor played. Randy barely even looked like him; it was more just to get a reaction out of him.

But a much more shocking realization hit you.

“You really read it. I can't believe it…You…You read it? You read "In Darkness" by Robert Gray?”

“You mean by YN? Yeah…Yeah, I did. You make a smart ass remark about me being able to read and I'll toss you off this porch and onto the fence post.”

You ignored his bristling and mumbled, “I don't understand…Why? How?” You were so bewildered not expecting this at all.

The silence stretched out again as he seemed to ponder what he should tell you or even how much.

“A lot has happened in a decade…” He seemed to be getting a bit apprehensive. “Was dirt poor many times with work on and off. No cable once or twice and sometimes squatting in abandoned places too…I found the book and the pen name caught my eye. It was…Kinda just in a bargain bin. Anyways, I'm not usually a bookworm but what else did I have to do? So, I read it and…Fell in...I uh-” He stopped himself. “I really…Understood some characters, okay?”

You grinned.

"Ew, don't give me that look either. I don't like you, we're not friends, I still imagine gutting you-"

It fell on deaf ears. You were just flattered and excited to finally talk about your writing. Even shy and embarrassed at your creative writing on full display like this.

Billy side eyed you though. “But the one character…Fucking Bobby? Really? Bobby Lewis?”

You gave a grinning sort of cringe almost embarrassed to be caught. “Yeeaahhh…”

He rolled his eyes, “You wrote a character about me. Made him the troubled kid with mommy issues that was manipulated by the darkness like a pansy ass…I should punch for that or even gut you. And I swear to God, if you hinted Bobby was gay for Stan-” He gave you a menacing glare that made you shrink sheepishing back in your seat.

“No! No, honestly that scene was meant to be like they both are taken over by the 'darkness' they both share.” He side eyed you more. “Honest.”

“I doubt it. I should just at least backhand you for it.” But his tone wasn't very menacing as he snuffed out his cigarette in an old cracked ashtray that was sitting on his porch railing.

“...And?” You urged, curious what he thought. “Was it god awful?”

"Fucking horrible. Wanted to throw it away after a few pages. I'd hide my name too if I were you."

He looked surprised you chuckled, accepting it was deemed unpopular years ago.

He looked down a bit with an odd pondering expression which was something you hadn't seen in so long you forgot he was human enough to do it. “Well...Maybe you did okay. Not great but…Well shit, you acted like you actually knew what you were talking about. Like, you understood me. Like you could actually understand me of all people.” He rolled his eyes saying the last bit sarcastically.

“So, when did you realize it was you I wrote?”

He glanced over, “...When I found out it was you. Two damn years after reading this book…It's embarrassing, really. Your shitty little novel.”

You smiled in understanding. “When I came out with 'Out of Darkness'…Gave it away, hm?”

“Yep. Especially when a line in ‘In Darkness’ stuck out…Word for word the sentence was what I told you in that backyard when ‘Bobby’ goes to kill ‘Daisy’ by strangling her before the ‘Darkness’ takes over…I still got to beat the writer's ass for killing off my favorite character in the novel later on.” He joked wryly about you killing off his character.

“So…You read both my books? I thought you didn't? Thought you wanted to throw it in the trash after a few pages?” You teased.

“Oh shut the hell up.” He grumbled out. "I'm not too nice not to hit you, at least."

You couldn't help the snort of amusement. Not sharing this type of conversation with him in a very long time. The murder part shockingly felt…Well after tonight, it felt like a distant memory. “Yeah, that moment changed my life. In my parents backyard when…All this happened.” You admitted giving a broad hand gesture to the situation.

“You and me both…”

The silence stretched on but you felt lighter. Hearing what he had said. You sighed. “I'm glad you didn't hate it but it won't matter. My book sucked.”

“You think that?”

“Yeah. It tanked.” You admitted.

“…It wasn't that bad.” He countered with annoyance. "I was just...Pulling your leg it wasn't the worst thing I've read."

“It was. No one read it but a handful of people.”

“No one hardly reads a lot of books but some went on to be horror movie classics, dumbass.”

You raised a brow at his insistence. “I appreciate that but really I got turned down so much. It's why I changed my pen name so no one knew me. Just like you said-”

“Well, fuck them. I'm joking, idiot! They don't know what they're talking about. They weren't there. They got fiction from horse's mouth and still can't see it…You got the ability; You just gave up too quickly.” He almost seemed insulted. “It was dark. There was no sugarcoating. Now that may not be that sickening motivation book you wrote that got you rich but it had substance. I would gladly read a book of someone baring their innermost dark thoughts and showing the world not every story is a happy ending then unicorn shit self help garbage that's just lying to hopeful people.”

“...Cynical as always.” You looked over at him. “You mean it, though?...”

Billy faltered, looking down but shrugged. “Yeah…Yeah, I do.”

The awkwardness just wasn't going away with the gigantic elephant in the room. After a minute of you both in the chilly air not talking you finally said it. Getting some courage after his admission about your book.

“You really don't feel the same about me like you did a decade ago, do you? Can we just admit that? Please? Just be honest.”

He shrugged but didn't answer.

“Well, I'm asking because…I guess…I don't either.” Your face heated as you reluctantly admitted it. A lump in your chest that felt uncomfortable. “I mean, what we said and did last night should prove it.”

You were startled as he shoved off the railing to hobble on the porchas he went to go back inside abruptly.

“Billy, can we just talk about what we said-”

“No.” He cut you off.

“No?? Billy, what the hell-”

“I SAID, no.” He gave you a glare you saw so many times from him. “We were dying, losing blood, hallucinating probably, it was… Nothing!”

You didn't know why that both hurt and annoyed you but it did. You glared back because last night he said it! Said you were his and always had been now he wants to take it back after everything? After saving each other and almost dying and him being one of the few people to enjoy a book you put your heart into and now staying at his house? You shoved your hands in your pocket and remembered something else that needed to be said…

“Billy, we are grown adults. You admitted I was yours.”

“To kill.”

"Nuh uh. Do not do that. You said I was yours-"

"To kiilllll." He drew out in irritation.

You rolled your eyes, “Oh my God...This again? Billy, just admit it! You don't hate me as much as you claim and I don't hate you." He didn't look at you but you saw his eyes widen slighlty at that. "We had a RARE moment important moment, damn it.”

He scoffed loudy and turned back to you with narrowed dark eyes. “YN, drop it! I was nice over a fucking shitty book, don't think we're friends here or god forbid whatever you're getting at, freak. I never did like you the way Stu did so get over yourself!” He grew irritated before you just did it.

“Alright. Fine. You're just asking for it.” You stood up slowly in pain but reached into your jacket.

“...What is that?” He looked confused as you unraveled the note. The one that had been in your jacket pocket for 2 or 3 days and needed to be addressed eventually. Thank God it wasn't searched at the hospital and Stu nabbed this jacket. You'd have to thank him somehow.

You cleared your throat, “...I can't fight this anymore. Not after fighting for our lives the way we did. Life is short, I know we went through so much but I have to tell you this-”

You had never seen Billy look so embarrassed in his life! Even his olive complexion showed a deep redness in his cheeks and his eyes widened to the size of saucer plates. “W-Where did you get that-” He stammered out as you got farther away from him and kept reading. 

“I have to tell you this…I never thought we'd make it and I'm glad you lived-”

“Give me the damn paper, YN!” He demanded rushing with his bum leg to snatch it as you easily evaded even if you too were injured. But at least your legs worked.

You went through him trying to blame Neil like the original plan was, “You're so lucky Mr Prescott gave you a shallow wound-” You gave him a dirty look as he was gonna give that to you and blame Neil. “Yada yada yada, blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit…Oh, I have to move on. We all do. That's why I have to tell you this-”

“YN! I swear to fucking God!” He exclaimed frantically trying to grab you or that paper as you both played a turtle pace version of keep away on the porch.

“I didn't know how much we needed each other till our lives depended on it. I'm falling for you.” You smacked the paper against your leg. “Along with a photo of me in your room! And a plan to meet at the water tower so you could ask me out or kill me but I SERIOUSLY doubt it because you would've killed me at the party or made letters to others and you definitely wouldn't have my picture if it was just to kill me.”

“How did you get that!?” He exclaimed with his fist clenched.

“Me and Randy raided your old house for evidence on the new killer a few days ago. Found this-” You shook the paper as it rattled. “Under the floorboard of your room.”

Billy's mouth hung open as he was so mortified at what you found. He quickly went to rush off the porch; anywhere but here before you risked grabbing his arm.

He glared at you and yanked it away, “What!? What more do you want, you damn arrogant noisey pain in my ass? Why are you bringing up skeletons that need to stay buried!?”

“Because you said I was yours last night!” You exclaimed. All before faltering. “...And I said I don't hate you…And…And…I didn't finish but…Fuck it. That I still give a damn. I still give a damn. I think we both half ass admitted to that a decade ago at my cabin and we're just being stubborn. I'm not saying love, I'm not that mushy or gullible please give me SOME credit but...I don't hate you even though I should.” You coughed out just as awkward as he was.

He stared at you. All before looking away curtly. “It doesn't matter. You are mine to kill okay? That's…That's what it was with this letter too. It's all it ever was. I was just luring you to the water tower to kill you and kept your picture as motivation. And last night? We're not friends, YN. We never were even in Woodsboro …I told you I was faking it and I meant it. Don't take me being merciful for actually liking someone like you.”

"Someone like me?"

"You want your feelings hurt so you can cry some more? I feel like you've done enough of that tonight." He coldly gave.

You stared at him and frowned. You actually…Wow, that actually hurt and you didn't want to know why but it did.

He averted his gaze, “Just don't go showing that stupid letter to Stu or you're getting tied up and dropped off at a police station, got it? I don't need his bullshit.”

You nodded with a tight frown. “Yeah…Yeah. Understood just wanted to clear things up…”

“Yeah well, they're cleared.” He jeered whilevlooking down at the ground and going back inside.

You sighed heavily feeling like you fucked it up again. You were actually bonding a bit and you just had to bring up the elephants in the room. And the harsh reality just made everything worse. A part of you felt like he was lying but it hurt nonetheless.

Little did you know…A certain someone wasn't sleeping. He was listening through the window he cracked open... Fist clenched tightly as his suspicion on you and Billy confirmed itself in his eyes.

————————

Billy got away from you and went straight to the bathroom. Locking the door away from you and Stu.

As soon as that door closed he slumped against the door frame and his stoic expression gave way to a vulnerability he'd never show anyone else. Feeling like a teen boy with a crush and he hated it. He hated it so damn much and would die before admitting it. Seeing you again just made all of this ten times worse.

He was so embarrassed over you finding that letter, and yet…His heart sped up a bit. He actually blushed. He hadn't felt that since High school with you. What a fool. A 33 year old moron getting all giddy over you just not hating him. He…Felt disgusting butterflies as you smirked and teased him with that damn blast from his past.

He felt so ridiculous. Crushing on you was weak ass Stu's job! But deep down…He knew. He knew himself well enough to know he was just scared of it. Look what happened last time he admitted his feelings to you? You ruined everything. You betrayed him. You were supposed to help them and instead you tried to turn them in. Now, you were a successful grown woman with a grown woman's body and nice perfume and hair and probably a better car than he could ever afford and dressed more mature and had more money than God and he was a psychotic grumpy loser living in a trailer with outdated furniture and nothing to offer not even emotionally. And to top it all off, you all were in hiding on the run from the law now.

And out of every woman ever…It was you. And he knew it. He knew a decade ago in the rain in your yard but couldn't admit it, not even to himself. No woman can go toe to toe with him, no woman could outwit him, no woman was as deep and interesting as you, no woman knew the pain he did but you.

He sighed heavily and looked in the mirror. 15 years ago he looked in that mirror crying how much he hated you and wanted you dead…Now it was pretending to keep up the act he hated you and wanted you dead.  It's like he spent so long shutting these emotions off and now they were barreling into him and he had no experience to change it. His last serious girlfriend was Sidney. All others were flings and one night stands. How did he deal with…Feelings? Weak, vulnerable, human feelings he tried to shut off? He wasn't like Stu who didn't feel love like a normal person. Oh no, Billy was cursed with just being a kid that snapped after feeling psychotic and yet he still had feelings towards people he just got very good at shutting off and trying not to get attached...You were the one attachment it seemed after years of persistence wouldn't go away. He knew arrogance and anger and power and revenge and lust and bloodlust but…God, he couldn't even say the word in his head without wanting to scream at the nasty corny messiness of it…Love. Christ, just shoot him! Between the motherfucking eyes!

Billy braced the sink looking at his reflection with sadness. Disappointment in himself. He realized years ago he didn't want to kill you and he was just playing tough as always. And after reading that book you didn't sugarcoat ‘Bobby’ but you didn't make him a monster either. You made him a vulnerable weak man angry at the world that let the darkness in and it felt like you knew him. No one knew him! If he hadn't read that stupid book of yours; he'd never feel so icky right now, damn it all!

He shoved a hand over his face to groan at the sickening feeling in his stomach that wasn't where he was stabbed as he remembered the sad look you gave him. He could kill just about anybody and could kill you but somehow these last few years you weaseled your way over his steel walls he built up. You were cornered, vulnerable, had nothing and no one and he still couldn't just be honest with himself let alone you. He could manipulate you to be his love obsessed slave if he wanted but he didn't want manipulation. He couldn't even say the damn word! Sidney was so easy to manipulate! You used to be! So what the fuck was the problem?!

He growled low in his throat at himself and glared in the mirror to himself as he put the sink on full blast to drown out any noise. “Stop it! You're being pathetic and weak! You're being a pussy whipped bitch right now! You are a fucking serial killer, damn it! She tried to turn you in, she tossed your caring aside once already, she tried to kill you, got your mother killed and acted just like…” He faltered as memories that held grudges onto were failing him…His mother was sicker, sicker than even he was. He knew deep down she got herself killed but he still had to blame you. It made it easier that way.

He saw his Mom's reflection in his mirror behind him, she tried talking. “Oh Billy…Billy, Billy, Billy-” And he just turned his head away. He had gotten use to seeing images of his mother in hallucinations over the years whenever he was sad or scared or vulnerable. He knew it wasn't real and just learned to cope like he did with murder and anything else.

“She is the enemy, Billy.” His Mom scolded. “She hurt you and used you, my son, my boy. If it wasn't for the cops; you think she'd be here? Don't be so naive!”

He sighed, running his hands through his shorter dark hair and saying out loud. “Stop! I don't need to hear it, I know! I know. Do NOT get attached anymore. Let her heal enough to not get us all caught and if I can't kill her then send her the fuck on her way.”

His thoughts were interrupted by you coming in and hearing Stu yell at you.

Son of a bitch…Fuck his life right now.

[homicidal-slvt]

[Monsters Walk On Land]

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Shark Merman!Kyle Garrick x F!Reader

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Warnings: MDNI, Abusive Husband {Not Kyle}, Angst, Attempted Murder

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Summary: Thrown into the depths of the ocean you expect to die... Only the be rescued by the monster many warn about.

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Your body sinks into the darkness, no attempt to open your eyes or fight back against the pull of the deep, cold and bitter as it crawls through your veins... No different than your husband, unforgiving and all consuming, taking until there is nothing but a bed of graves.

You were sick of his abuse - the condescending words - the control... You mistakenly thought it'd never get physical, so you bravely told him you were leaving... Oh, what good that did you.

'I'll tell them how ya run away from me... They'll believe me, y'know? Fuckin' whore.'

Blood leaks from your cut up legs, drifting into the darkness, like bait you lure anything closer. He had dragged you to the rocky coast line, your begging and screaming had fallen on deaf ears, tossed over and discarded like mere trash. Something to be forgotten because it no longer was useful.

Something brushes against your leg but you don't have the will to fight it... You can't swim. You always feared the water. There's no point in trying to fight.

×🩷×

Kyle drifts through the water - big brown eyes searching for the scent of blood he picked up on... Webbed hands immediately grasp onto the floating body of a woman without much thought at first, then he processes it.

"The hell...?"

For a moment he thinks she's dead - given the fact she didn't instantly start kicking and flailing... And if she was already dead then a bite wouldn't hurt right- but no... There's certainly a pulse. Soft but there.

He couldn't just kill an innocent woman like this, could he? Even as a shark style monster in the deep, he still has that heart of gold under the surface. So, he drags her towards the dim light of the moon above, moving her to the shore...

It concerns him... The fact she didn't fight... It made it easier to save her but - why didn't she fight?

"C'mon now..."

Settling her against the sand he assists her, watching her cough and sputter, small rocks digging into her skin.

"Who did this to you...?"

He didn't much expect an answer to the question, especially not when she finally got a good look at her savior... He suspected the usual fearful screams would tear through the air - that was how it'd usually go anyway.

×🩷×

You certainly were a bit startled to look over and see the very thing many warn of. People often claimed a monster lurked the waters by this shore but... He saved you...? He could've easily chewed the meat off your bones, especially with those freakishly sharp shark-like teeth of his...

He's honestly kind of beautiful, unique patterns of dark spots and strips across the gray scales on his lower half, his tail built exactly how a shark would be - aside from the whole scaliness of it.

"Thank you..."

You sputter out the words and those big brown eyes of his widen, lifting himself up a bit while he looks at you... He's definitely stunned from what you can tell by his expression, his slightly pointed ears twitching.

"You're not scared of me?"

"Well, I am a little bit but... If you wanted to hurt me - you would have."

A soft chuckle emits from his chest, amusement bubbling and spilling over. You're a very strange human in his books but he likes you...

However, it nags in the back of his head as to what happened to you. How you ended up injured in the water to begin with - the look on your face and your body language... It all reeks of humans doing.

After all - those who walk on land are often much more frightening monsters than the creatures of the deep ever could be...

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{I'm fuckin' exhausted so it took forever to write this and it's shit. And yeah it has a cliffhanger ending - I gave up. I didn't know where to go from there. I probably won't make a part 2 because I'm losing mind.}

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{@sofasoap @soupbinsoup @sarraa-26 @gothgirl6-6-6 @caramlizedtomatoes-deactivated2 }

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{More Content}

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

I curse you for this angsty thought but

Combining spear baby AU and Mortal Vaggie AU. When an exorcist is killed, they die like normal. But when they die of old age...they change back into whatever weapon they were, ready to start the cycle over.

Even more painful if that weapon would always look like vaggie, but...none of the memories.

ok FINALLY i can get this out of my head, strap in-

Spear child AU Vaggie finds out that even if SHE can't hold her kid without cursing them with memories of blood and every time she used them to kill- at least her kid can hug HER (after a lot of coaching for both them from Charlie) without any murder memories for the kid...

but Vaggie remembers, suddenly, being the weapon of the Exorcist her spear was before that heaven born woman hit the end of her lifespan

Vaggie remembers the kill that turned HER, Vaggie, from a weapon to person, her wielder's final words, an old Exorcist proudly using the last of her strength for one last Extermination day, refusing to fade out quietly up in heaven- struggling to hit that unspoken quota- enough Sinner's killed and enough demonic energy soaked up and purified into a NEW soldier of heaven, a soldier to replace the her as she crumbles into ash and that first moment of life as new born Vaggie instinctively caught the spear as it fell-

in the Mortal Vaggie AU, imagine her horror realizing she will BE a weapon again after death-

(no matter how much she wanted to be Charlie's armor in life. She's an Exorcist. She was made to kill)

unless she's killed before then, violently, while she's still herself.

And she can't ask anyone to do that- Charlie, her friends- (her spear kid??) she doesn't WANT one SECEOND less time with them than she can get, will NEVER stop fighting for her life with them

but it's terrifying, thinking how someone ELSE might pick her up afterwards... the husk she came from (no personality traits are passed down between incarnations) (the only memories an new Exorcist is born with are the deaths that fanned the fames of their new battle forged lives) an inert tool, unable to stop herself from being used to hurt people

the weapon left behind by her natural death will still be PART of her. And she doesn't want any part of her to go back to being what she was. She never wants to be a weapon like that again, blindly used to hurt and kill and wipe souls from existence while they run screaming

she has to keep telling Charlie- No. She doesn't remember anything from the incarnations before her

no there isn't... isn't any chance of her coming back. Not as herself.

Charlie and that hopeless desperate wish-

(what are a few more thousand dead, really? In the timescale of heaven and hell and all creation, in comparison how many have already died, when weighed against all the GOOD Vaggie has done and still wants to do-)

(all the pain Charlie doesn't want to face in losing her)

Vaggie asks for her weapon form to be destroyed after her time runs out

she begs Charlie to promise her-

Destroy her, it, melt it with hellfire, or re-forge her weapon self into something harmless- she wouldn't mind being a shield, if there's enough metal in her weapon form for that. She would love the thought of still being able to protect the people she loves

that might be to hard (emotionally) or not practical, physically speaking, and that's fine too. Just. Don't let her stay a weapon

Vaggie, getting older, feeling her age long before the other Exorcists will because she refuses to go back to heaven, can't stomach the idea of wasting one moment of her life up there or worse- fading out there far away from Charlie

She makes Charlie SWEAR to unmake whatever's left of her. So NO part of her can EVER be used as a mindless weapon again

and Charlie promises.... and Charlie....

breaks the promise

(her one worst sin will always be reckless Hope, all consuming Love) she incorporates Vaggie's weapon into her own trident instead, and sure she doesn't go OUT of her way to kill with it-

she doesn't hold back either, whenever the time comes

their daughter was born from a mix of sinners deaths, mixed, balanced, purified by the angels Vaggie killed later

Their daughter is getting older too- not as fast as Vaggie was- more divine energy stored up in her, gotten direct from the source instead of just used to to transform the power of hell into something heaven could use- but she IS still aging, and faster than Charlie is

if this is just "how things work" then Charlie going to have to watch her daughter die too someday. If she isn't killed, she'll outlive her child.

She can't.

She can't hide behind a shield apologizing anymore, Vaggie's not here to be the one who stabs attacking angels so they stay DOWN- Vaggie is dead and if it's forever then their daughter will follow her

Charlie has to do it, for both of them. And the hotel. She has to kill. It's just practical, just self defense, just a little not-quite lie about what she did with Vaggie's weapon-

(it was damaged. Chipped in a small but noticeable way)

(her missing eye-?)

And if part of Charlie keeps count while this desperate little hope flutters at the back of her mind, wondering if maybe... just maybe....

no, though

One day she finds herself suddenly holding the hand of a confused and bloody but ready to fight Exorcist in the middle of a battle, and it's not. Vaggie.

They know how to kill. They don't know who to be killing

(hellborn and sinners and angels, Charlie's had to stop so many people, wondering- worrying- if that would help or hurt the chances of Vaggie ever-)

The new Exorcist attacks everything in sight

Charlie's friends, the other Exorcists, Sinners, it's all she can remember, blood in red and glowing gold-

not Charlie, Charlie is familiar (no but not like THAT) the hand she woke holding and caught her when she staggered, band new to being able to move on her own, arms and legs and wings and one eye missing

Charlie's the one who grabs her mid attack and stops her with a hug that'd break a sinner's back-

Charlie, wiping away the blood on this stranger's confused face, tracing that scarred and empty eye she knows SO well and whispering a name with so much HOPE

(not seeing the horror on her friend's faces, the devastated shock from her daughter)

It's not Vaggie.

Even if she looks exactly like her, the answering twist of her face is new and she does something Vaggie never did- she pulls away, looks away, looks at the Exorcists all stopped and grinning (people like her, the same wings, black and white and powerful with every feather clearly marked with purpose)

a bell tolls and the Exorcists retreat back towards a gate in the sky like a burning wheel of light, matching the far off spheres of heaven, and the new Exorcist flares her wings to follow them-

Charlie stops her, that first time. Desperate. Still hopeful. Maybe Vaggie just needs time to remember...?

Charlie doesn't stop her later

it's the best option, really, even if it means being as alone as she was before meeting Vaggie

more alone than that, even. back then she didn't have so many friends avoiding her and her... "thing"... she didn't have a daughter moving out of the pride ring altogether to get away from her. Back then she could tell herself it was only her parents separation that left alienated her dad from her, instead of Lucifer being torn between his daughter and his grandchild. She hadn't known what it was like to have a partner, before Vaggie, and now without her she doesn't know how to live without one

she knows she shouldn't have done this. She shouldn't call the woman by her dead wife's name or keep showing her bits of a life that'd never been hers

so Charlie makes a promise, again. And keeps it this time. She talks to heaven, finds a way to get the new Exorcist up there-

(SHE PROMISED VAGGIE SHE PROMISED HER)

-even though Vaggie wouldn't want that. Not a weapon. Not again.

(vaggie would have asked her to kill the new exorcist instead)

Charlie knows it even a she lets the Exorcist with Vaggie's face and voice and missing eye fly away, off through the portal to a life Vaggie wouldn't have wanted any part in....

but if it's not Vaggie, then it's the stranger's life now. Hers to choose

(a nice thought to hide behind. In no world can Charlie destroy any part of what was once the woman she loved)

And if maybe this stranger IS in some small way Vaggie... maybe... maybe THIS will help her remember. Maybe pain will do what Charlie's soft words and hands couldn't do

Up in heaven though...

a scarred Exorcist is a damaged weapon, is a weaken one. This Exorcist has killed sinners and hellborn and ANGELS, she knows the taste of divine blood

She looks at the angels around her the way her sisters look at demons down in hell. As prey

Lute notices

Lute doesn't trust her with a weapon, doesn't trust her down in hell. Lute remembers the feel of the spear at her throat- and that woman is GONE, but- this one came from hell. Came from the Morningstar demon bitch. Can't be trusted not to be tainted by all that

The new exorcist gets put on spy duty instead. Go work for Emily, supposedly. Watch over "reformed" sinners up in heaven

(Sir Pentious, flinching every time he sees her) (reminiscing about a friend he knew back down in hell while casting her nervous, painful glances)

Watch and report back to Lute, pretend to be the bodyguard of the souls who got a second unfair bite at the apple-

ACTUALLY be their bodyguard, when the moment comes

When Lute hits her breaking point and Sera is swayed by fear of a threat from within, a new line drawn, when the Exorcists turn on the angels who don't REALLY belong in heaven, who will never REALLY have earned after failing once- trying to kill them again

and the instinct kicking in

the woman with Vaggie's face and how RIGHT it feels to fight angels- finally that sense of purpose coursing through her, the golden blood, someone cowering behind her and she spreads her wings and-

PROTECTS

(Charlie killed with her so many times. Never out of hate. Always a last resort. Always trying to save more people than she hurt)

(a sideways, unknowing way that Charlie kept the same promise she broke- that part of her Vaggie loved and wanted to share in, the urge to help, to defend, even in a world that demands killing as a price of stopping more death)

The woman with Vaggie's face isnt and will never BE her

but she and Emily are the reason the reformed souls aren't slaughtered up in heaven

Charlie's hotel (no, always "their" hotel to her) is suddenly full of old friends and their friends, their families from up in heaven, angels leaving in disgust through the same portal as the truth of heaven's lie is exposed to ALL of heaven now, not just a court of those who made it what it is

and it's. Maybe something Vaggie would love, if she could see it

It's Charlie's one last time reaching out to the new Exorcist, offering her a place in the hotel too...

and it's Charlie taking it in, what it means, when the woman with Vaggie's face chooses to stay up in heaven

the woman who isn't Vaggie- (Vaggie never would have left) (NEVER would chose heaven over hell)- explains heaven is where most angels are, after all. And she likes it quite a lot- making angels bleed

(she's a weapon)

(Vaggie worked hard to make herself into something else. and she did. and now Vaggie's-) (Dead)

Charlie hopes Vaggie would be okay with this, somehow.

Or maybe it would have made Vaggie sick, watching Charlie get left behind (left alone again) by someone wearing her own face

...SO!

*slotting this in deliciously with the spear baby au stuff*

alright what we've got so far is...

Exorcist weapons soak up the demonic energy of the sinners they kill, carrying it back up to heaven with them where divine ointment or whatever is used to clean them afterwards, turning the demonic energy into something they can slowly convert into actual divine energy

Once they get enough kills and power, the weapon incarnates as a new heavenly soldier, specifically suited for visiting and fighting in hell

Their current Exorcist form lasts a set amount of time, and would start wearing down if they weren't given halos to supplement their slowly dwindling power

the halos keep them "young" up until the moment they fade away into ashes and weaponry again

they ALSO finish converting the Exorcist's demonic energy back into it's base form as divine power or the "force of creation" used by the higher ranking angels like the Seraphim

Basically redistributing power from hell to heaven AS WELL AS reducing the population of sinners

without the halo the demonic power just slowly bleeds out on it's own and gets absorbed by whatever's around

(AU NOTE: this would mean a bit of Vaggie's power probably got incorporated into the things and people she spent the most time around- Charlie, her spear which later turned into her kid, the hotel, her friends)

The SHAPE of the Exorcist continues with the weapon they're born from, but they lack souls, and no personal memories get passed down between incarnations

Since they are being built up from the kills they're used for though, THOSE memories are the only ones the new Exorcist is born with

Damage done to an Exorcist with heavenly steel carries over into the weapon they come from, and the next incarnation they take

Weapons that get damaged before they take enough lives to spawn into a new Exorcist are probably melted down to make a new weapon instead

That didn't used to happen very often though, because Adam encouraged abandoning any weapon that gets so much as scratched or tweeked down in hell- he didn't like the idea of his girls being less than exactly how he wanted them

Lute stops that after his death and the revelation that heavenly weapons can kill angels

Normally the Exorcist weapons incarnate as fully grown women, ready for action just like the weapons they come from

Spear! baby had a gap of several years with NO new kills powering them, and Vaggie wasn't trying to fill any quotas afterwards, so the energy build up was erratic and kill counts lessened bc of fighting next to Charlie. Being around Charlie in and out of battle, and near her half-seraphim power, also meant some of that was slurrped up, resulting in a form that WASN'T ready for battle but COULD absorb more power even after incarnating, letting the Spear! baby grow up as she gathered more passive energy (and later her own kills)

If she killed angels regularly enough or moved to heaven she could probably stay young for her entire life. But she isn't so she won't.

The other weapons abandoned in hell didn't get any divine cleansing to convert the demonic energy into something their heavenly steel could use, so they all stayed inert until killing angels started to be a thing.

Vaggie's was the first to rack up enough angel kills for the rest of the demonic energy to get mixed and changed to the point of spontaneous spear baby creation

Carmilla Carmine discovers that the other weapons can ALSO do this tho

She is slightly less than amused that chaggie failed to warn her

[thebottomfromhell]

In regards to the post about reader dying in their arms, could I request something along the lines of once the upper moons die, reader was waiting for them so they could go to hell together?

Thank you!

Got it. This is also an interesting one since there would be [mentioned in some, to make my life easier] interactions with Koyuki, Daki and Shinobu. I would like to add that this last one wouldn't be a positive one, so sorry if you are a fan of Shinobu, but she is not liking reader so reader is not liking her neither.

Uppermoon meets their male (tbh in this one is more GN, I just say male bc the other prev. ask was more explicit in the gender) demon S/O reader after dying before going to hell. Previous ask here. Also an incorrect quote inspired in the Douma hc.

Warnings: Manga Spoilers, A bit of angst (pk, maybe a tad more than a bit, but still), Mentioned dead/murder, Akaza and Douma have things going on with female characters, Gyokko and Douma are their own warnings, and Karaku starts making out with you the second he sees you.

Gyutaro + Daki:

"Y/N! What is this place?! It's awful! Where is onii-chan?!" You hear a well known high pitched voice first, but the girl in front of you... you knew Daki was young, still a girl rather than a woman, when she was transformed, but this? She can't be older than fourteen. She looks so similar, and yet so different. Unlike you, she looks human and doesn't even seem aware of it. "Daki... stay close, we will find your brother." You say as you turn around, offering your hand whish she takes, feeling the light following you, almost heating up your back, as if telling you to hand over the girl to it. You only fix your grip as you look for Gyutaro in the nothing, and it doesn't take you that much to find him.

"Onii-chan!" Daki screams as she speeds up, still holding your hand to force you to do the same. It's a relief that Gyutaro looks the same as always, you missed that ugly face of his, as he puts his attention on his little sister as she complains and orders him to fix things. Then he looks at you. "Y/N... what are you doing here, ne?" You smile at him gently, he doesn't seem good, beyond the fact that he is dead. He looks... sad. "I was waiting for you, Gyutaro." You answer honestly as he turns around. "Make Ume go towards the light." Ume? Who is U- "What?! What do you mean?!" Oh......... oh...

You are still processing everything as the siblings fight, Gyutaro trying to scare Daki... Ume towards the light, saying hurtful things as she begs to not be left behind. Daki begging? It's just so wrong, but again... this is Ume, just a little girl that has the chance to not pay for more than a century of murder, in between other crimes. And she is the little sister of a young man who is nothing but willing to let her go in order to protect her, the same way he didn't hesitate to become nothing but an extension to her so she could get the lives she wanted and with him only there when she actually needs him. "You and I are not siblings anymore, you are nothing to me." "Gyutaro! We both know you don't mean that!" You have to shut him up after that, but he just sounds so defeated... "Daki, your Onii-chan wants to protect you, to have a better chance that we will. Do you want to go towards the light?" There is little to no people that asks them what they want, you were always the one to fix that.

Ume shakes her head as tears still fall from her face. "NO! I WON'T GO! IF ONII-CHAN DOESN'T GO THEN I DON'T WANT TO! HE PROMISED! HE PROMISED ME WE WOULD ALWAYS BE TOGETHER! HE PROMISED!" When Gyutaro turns around you already have her in your back, shutting her up by the surprise. "Take her hand, she will need her big brother by her side. I will take her there so you don't have to." So he doesn't have to feel the weight of being the one to bring his little sister, his beautiful child, to hell only because he doesn't have the strengh nor the ability to get her something better. "Ne... thank you, Y/N, for everything." He says as he takes her hand, and you step into the fire as she cries.

She probably doesn't even know why she is crying, but she is. You also tear a bit and when you look at your side, Gyutaro is crying too. It's the end, but at least you are together.

Gyokko:

You don't have to say anything, just smirk as you arch one eyebrow as Gyokko's head appears in your hands. "Hey, Gyokko. So you died too, huh?" He barely showed any sympathy towards you when you were dying, and honestly... this is karma. "Urg. Y/N, you will not believe the night I just had!" He inmediately starts complaining, just like the good old times. Honestly, you don't know how much time you spent sitting in the... ground? Is this even a ground? Still, it's nice, you even massage his scalp with your fingers as he goes on. Alive, he could do this for hours, but now there is no time, no real worries, not even the damned sun.

"And everything has been so stressful since you left. Everyone else lacks taste and talent, don't know how to do anything! For the enlightened, I really should have protected you better..." he remains in silence after that, making eye contact with you, as you atill process how to take it. It's a confession or regret? An apology? An "I love you"? None of them? All of them? It still manage to turn your smirk into a brave smile. "I missed you a lot, I didn't really expect you to die but... I guess I really hoped we could be like this once again." He also smiles at that, probably remembering your last conversation when you were dying.

"I also missed you, don't ever go on your own again." "Will you miss me?" You asked that day, and you got the answer you hoped for a second time. "I'm also glad you haven't changed a bit, you are the same as always. The demon I fell in love with." "I love you, Gyokko. Never change" you told him, and he still remembers, you can see that by his facial expressions. Did he think about you the same way you thought about him, you want to ask but at the same time... you know exactly where you are. "Your body is not regenerating." You point out and he sighs in frustration. "I will probably have a full body again the second we step into hell... " there is a pause there, Gyokko is probably as scared as you are to get in that place.

"You know? I remembered that my parents died when I was a kid, their corpses were just in front of me, but I could only feel fascinated by them. I wanted to keep them in the hallways to always be able to contemplate them, but I wasn't allowed. People don't understand the beauty of death, if you had left something behind I would have kept it." It makes sense, maybe because you are still like a demon, but it makes sense. Keeping those you hold dear close even after death, if you need a corpse to do so, so be it. So be it... you stand up, holding Gyokko's head against your chest, protecting it with your arms as you walk into hell. "You will also need a body for me to keep you around." He looks at you a bit surprised, but relaxes and laughes "Well then, I trust you."

Hantengu:

Hantengu inmediately starts a tantrum, throwing himself at the ground (can you even call it ground?) when he saw he was in front of the gates of hell, crying and screaming, trying to gain sympathy of beings that were not around. Just you, but he is so scared he hasn't noticed you yet. "Hantengu." You call him, making him turn around to see you before running straight towards you, hiding his hace in your chest as he wraps he arms around you to keep crying. "Y/N! Y/N! Oh, thank the gods you are here! Why are you in this awful place? It's so scary!" You pat his hunched back to comfort him as you smile, he hasn't changed one bit. "Hello to you too, Hantengu."

It's hard to say how long did you stay like this, Hantengu holds into you as if you were his last chance of salvation, but you were not able to even save yourself. The best you did was stay in this place, awful as he called it, to avoid stepping into hell. You know Hantegu's sanity, if there is any left, won't be able to handle the darkness and emptyness of this place. He is the first being you have seen in what it feels ages, and while you know having a dear face should make it easier... maybe the best is to keep going. Still, you only try to help him to feel better, not knowing how to voice out your opinion. "Please talk to me... say something, anything..."

So you talk, not of anything in particular, you tell him how much you missed him, how much you thought about him, how much you love him, as he rubs his face against you, looking for both physical and emotional comfort. You talk for an even longer time than he was crying, being listenes as he uses your voice as a medium to scape reality, to relax against you and pretend everything is fine. "And... Hantengu, I think we can't really stay here. Nobody is meant to be here." He sighs against you, keeping quiet before answering weakly. "I know, but it's so scary. Why must this happen to us? What did we do to deserve this?" You both know what you did.

You smile, ignoring Hantengu's attempt to fool everyone, himself included, that he's innocent. You only take one of his hands and put yourself behind him, covering his eyes with your free hand. "Do you trust me?" You asks as he trembles against your touch as you blind him, he has always been so paranoid... "I do." But you have always been his safespace, and so he leans on your hand as you guide him to hell, both of you together. There isn't much left to say, but it's ok... it's ok as long as you have your beloved by your side.

Sekido:

{You didn't say anything to Hantengu when you saw him and he doesn't notice you are there. What were you supposed to say? You were not with him, you were with one of his clones, who were just that. Clones, not their own individual, so none of them should have an existence besides Hantengu's Blood Demon Art. But he was not just a clone for you, he was the one you fell in love with, with his defects and quirks. The main body shrieks and cries, trying to hug the ground or whatever this is, not wanting to move on the same way you don't. The black smoke starts to cover him as you only think about your beloved, then you notice said smoke is actually covering him instead of passing as air. When you can hear Hantengu anymore you go where he was and manage to grab his arm to pull him up, only to find him instead.}

"Sekido?" You aske before recieving a hit in the face that makes you fall down, Sekido is clearly angry at you still. "YOU! YOU DIED! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE AFTER ALL YOU PUT ME THROUGH?! YOU LITTLE SHIT! FUCKING BASTARD!" He is still the one to grab you to help force you to stand up before hugging you. "Fuck you, Y/N.... fuck you.... I'm so fucking pissed with you. I told you to not leave." You start to feel the tears in your shoulder, there are so many questions of how this is possible, but for you, the only important thing is that you have Sekido in your arms as you hug him back tightly. "Why did you have to leave?"

You pat his back to comfort him, you didn't want to leave him neither. You genuinely thought you would never see him again and didn't want to go to hell until you came in terms with that. But Sekido is here, so you grab his face softly, tears still falling off his eyes as you go for a kiss. "I missed you too, Sekido. I'm glad I was able to see you again." You smile at him as he begins to curse and avoid looking at you, trying to hide his crying face. "I'm sorry for hurting you" you say even though you know he won't say it back, but your priority is to make him feel better, or at least good enough so he won't hit you again. "Whatever.... I missed you too."

There is a lot going on in your mind right now. Is Sekido real? Or will he turn back into Hantengu the second you both step into hell? The idea scares you, and a lot. You just got him back and you don't want to lose him just now, not yet. You don't even dare to ask, you just want to spend a bit more with Sekido. He notices eventually as you just hug him in silence, he inhales deeply before pulling apart. "You have been here long enough." He takes your hand to guide you to hell, but you refuse to follow. "We will go.... later.... right now can we stay together? Just cuddle?" He sighs tired before hugging you "Fine, we will stay here for a while, but we have to go to hell sooner or later. I'll just wait for you... to feel better about it. But we can avoid it forever." and you say everything you wanted back then but couldn't because of time. You will go to hell eventually, but right now you just want your Sekido in your arms.

Karaku:

{You didn't say anything to Hantengu when you saw him and he doesn't notice you are there. What were you supposed to say? You were not with him, you were with one of his clones, who were just that. Clones, not their own individual, so none of them should have an existence besides Hantengu's Blood Demon Art. But he was not just a clone for you, he was the one you fell in love with, with his defects and quirks. The main body shrieks and cries, trying to hug the ground or whatever this is, not wanting to move on the same way you don't. The black smoke starts to cover him as you only think about your beloved, then you notice said smoke is actually covering him instead of passing as air. When you can hear Hantengu anymore you go where he was and manage to grab his arm to pull him up, only to find him instead.}

"Karaku?" You ask before he takes softly the sides of you face to kiss you in this same position. He sucks into hour mouth as if he was a drunk with his favorite drink, hugging you as he wraps his free hand through tha back of your neck. He doens't pull apart for a while, but grins in a just so wholesome way when ge does. "Hey, hot-stuff~. It's been a while, hasn't it?" There are some tears accumulated in his eyes as he stands up and lunges forward to hug you again. "I missed you so much. You have no idea how glad I am to see you again." You really never thought you would see him again.

"I missed you too." He breathes in by the side of your neck before kissing you again, hungry for you as his arms remains wraped around your neck. There are slurping sounds as he slips his tongue in, making this as messy as he can, and you let him. As if you need this to prove that this is real, that Karaku is really here with you and is not leaving anytime soon. Maybe he also needs to convince himself that this is real, but the trail of saliva joining your tongues together definetely is. "Your kisses are still the sweatest." He says rubbing the liquids of both tears and saliva off his face before using his thumbs to do the same to you as you were to numb to do it yourself.

"What now?" You find yourself asking, because everything is so new and so scary. You don't want to lose Karaku again, and he seems to notice your fear, so he grins with confidence. "Well, Sekido would tell us to hurry up and go to hell, as we are supposed to be doing... but I'm not Sekido. I say we stay here for as long as you need, together." He kisses you again as be both start openly crying, none of you really know what you will do. Or if you even will ever be ready to go to hell... but you are together, chasing for a good time as always. There is no hurry, just enjoy the present if you think the future will take said gift away. Karaku will support you, so stay with him a little more.

Urogi:

{You didn't say anything to Hantengu when you saw him and he doesn't notice you are there. What were you supposed to say? You were not with him, you were with one of his clones, who were just that. Clones, not their own individual, so none of them should have an existence besides Hantengu's Blood Demon Art. But he was not just a clone for you, he was the one you fell in love with, with his defects and quirks. The main body shrieks and cries, trying to hug the ground or whatever this is, not wanting to move on the same way you don't. The black smoke starts to cover him as you only think about your beloved, then you notice said smoke is actually covering him instead of passing as air. When you can hear Hantengu anymore you go where he was and manage to grab his arm to pull him up, only to find him instead.}

"Urogi?" You barely manage to ask before he jumps over you, making you fall down in your ass, wraping his arms and legs around you (around your neck and around your waist, like he used to do), using his wings to shield you both from everything. "Y/N! Y/N! YOU'RE HERE! YOU ARE ACTUALLY HERE!" He digs his talons into your skin as he digs his face in your neck, just under you jaw so you are careful with his head, speacially his horns. You can feel him smelling you as if yo make sure you are... there? That you are you? It's hard to tell, but you hug him back, just relieved you got to see him again. "Hey birdie. It's nice to see you. I missed you a lot."

He pull apart slightly to look at you, his face is full of tears as he keeps smiling. "I really missed you too. I missed you a lot. I missed you a million times!" He rambles, repeating phrases and making some expressions he probably doesn't understand as much. He is really all over you, crying and with knots in his nose, not caring of how he looks or if he gets any fluid over you, just that you are finally there after you left. "I love you so much. I don't want you to go like that again, ever. Promise me you won't leave again. Promise!" You can't help but chuckle, it's almost like a child making a tantrum. He is not behaving that different from a dog welcoming it's owner back home after this one left for more than a day. It's cute, but Urogi has always been cute to you.

But you can't help but fear... will you be able to keep that promise, if you make it, once you cross the path into hell? You are just so happy that you have Urogi right here, right now, and Urogi clearly feels the same way about you. But... will it end? Do you want to risk it? Of couse no, you know that you will have to go to hell eventually... "Baby bird... fill me up with what happened since the last time we have seen each other. I want to hear you talk and make up for lost time. Here and now..." he giggles as you rub the liquids off his face, nuzzling against your hands. You kiss his cheek "And once we are ready... will you fly me to hell?" His wings stand up at that, if he realized your fears you have no idea. "Yeah, we have a lot to make up. Specially that las flight! I'll give you the best flight ever after we finish!" He cuddles with you, and you hope it takes the longest time for him to give you what could be again the last flight.... just a little more, you want him for yourself... a little more.

Aizetsu:

{You didn't say anything to Hantengu when you saw him and he doesn't notice you are there. What were you supposed to say? You were not with him, you were with one of his clones, who were just that. Clones, not their own individual, so none of them should have an existence besides Hantengu's Blood Demon Art. But he was not just a clone for you, he was the one you fell in love with, with his defects and quirks. The main body shrieks and cries, trying to hug the ground or whatever this is, not wanting to move on the same way you don't. The black smoke starts to cover him as you only think about your beloved, then you notice said smoke is actually covering him instead of passing as air. When you can hear Hantengu anymore you go where he was and manage to grab his arm to pull him up, only to find him instead.}

"Aizetsu?" "Y/N?" He just makes eye conctact with you for some seconds before standing up properly. "Hi... It's good to see you.... it's been a long time..." He says shyly, playing with his sleeves, and you just have to wrap your arms around him and dig your face on the side of his neck. "Aizetsu!" He instantly husg you back tightly, none of you let the other go, Aizetsu even lets some tears fall down into your shoulder. "I missed you so much. What happened? Are you ok? How are you here?"

Aizetsu doesn't answer for a while, he lets some more tears fall before rubbing them off his face, calming down, before speaking back to you. "I don't know how, we fused into Zohakuten when it happened, but... we died. Please don't feel... bad about it, I wasn't even aware it happened until I woke uo here. I do feel sad for Zohakuten and Hantengu, though..." he explains as sensible as he can, as always. "I just know my last thoughts, even if I couldn't physically have them, were about you, and suddenly you were actually there, pulling me from... I don't even know from what." That only leave one question. "Will you dissapear back into Hantengu once we cross hell?"

There are some minutes of silence before he answers "I don't know, sorry." He looks away, clearly uncomfortable with his own answer, wishing it was different. "Don't apologize. Maybe we could just... stay here... for a little longer." You cup his face in your hand as you offer the idea, having Aizetsu nodding. He closes his eyes and makes a pout with his lips, clearly asking for attention, so you give him a soft kiss. You can stay together for a little longer, hopefully you won't separate in hell... but your now you both just want each other, before the chance of never seeing the other again, this time for real. "Please more. Kiss the sadness away." You were never able to say "no" to Aizetsu.

Nakime:

After Nakime, you knew a thing or two about patience. For her, for music, for goals... you knew how to be patient. But now you were not being patient, with her Infinity Castle and her role on his (still scary to even think it out loud, even if you are already dead) side, you just never thought she would die. You were just... lost, not knowing what to do anymore, not really wanting to step into hell of all places, when she arrived. "Oh my- Nakime? Wha- How are you here?!" She looks at you, just as surpirsed, when you run to her side.

"I..." she starts softly, still as elegant as ever, even when she looks... defeated. "I'va lost..." How? Against who? No matter how hard you try, you can't even phantom how anyone would survive a fight against her interdimentional fortress. She can control it as her will, smashing anyone against walls and rooms, locking up others for as long as she wants, get the ones around to the other side of the castle with one note... nobody us supposed to defeat that. That is why he prefered her as his right hand instead of making her an Uppermoon the second he stablished the Kizuki. Because she was too important, too powerful, to something else to be put with his best fight hounds. It takes you a little to calm down before talking to her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

You give the most gentle and soft voice you have, just like you she never thought she would be able to die. Nakime looks so lost, so confused, maybe even scared without her fortress shifting at her will, protecting from everything and anything. You take her hands in yours as she slowly regains confidence to tell you everything, how the Hashira got into the castle the same time she got careless as he gave her his favor after she was the one to find their base. She became confident as she managed something not even Kokushibou and Akaza could do after more than two hundred years of searching. "I could... should have killed them with one cord.... but I let them sneak into me with the help of some.... random traitor..." You kiss tha back of her hands to comfort her.

You stay like this for a while, both of you knowing you must go to hell right now. You can feel the itch to move on, nothing compared to the crave od hacing her near that you felt since you fell in love with Nakime. "You did your best. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." She only shakes her head, clearly not wanting to talk about your own death. You just smile at her "Do you want to finish the journey? Or would you like to stay here a little longer?" She only looks at you for some seconds before walking to hell, still holding one of your hands. Even now you are the one following her, and you wouldn't want it any other way. "I love you, Nakime." Ypu day as you both step into the fire, she answers after a while. "I love you too, Y/N."

Akaza:

Just after you died you stayed in the fine line in between heaven and hell, not being properly able to move on, just like Akaza never did. The surprising part was that there was already someone there, waiting for him. A petite young girl, no older than 16 when she died, Koyuki. She was Akaza's, Hakuji's fiance, and wants to see him again. "Do you really think he will get here? He is Uppermoon Three and the reason there is a Kizuki system. There is no way he will die to the hands of slayers." You were partially right, he didn't die at the hand of slayers. He died at his and Koyuki's.

"Akaza?" You found him crying in her arms. You didn't take part in his defeat, you never would, no matter how much you wanted to see him again. You also wanted him to live. Maybe that is why Koyuki didn't, because the one alive was Akaza instead of Hakuji. "Y/N... you still look like a demon..." he looks torn between both of us, and you can't help but glance at his fiance. She won't go to hell like you both will, and even if she could sneak to it, she would not survive as good as you both could. You are his demon love and she is his human love, one was meant for heaven and another for hell. "I am a demon Akaza, or should I call you Hakuji?"

He looks at his human arms. In the end he chose to die for her instead of living for you. "I will head over to the dark, go when you are ready. I will be waiting, but she has already waited enough for you." You don't want to accept he is dead yet, he had long road to go. What about defeating Douma? Kokushibou? To be the stronger? That was his goal, a simple one but a goal you always supported him with, and that support was everything you left to him. But it doesn't matter anymore, as always, you just want his happiness. "Ok... ok... I'll meet you there.... I love you."

You smile at him and nod, you will say it back after you meet again. If you do... for now, you walk into hell by your own, as you should have all those years ago. Maybe it would be the best if he stayed as Hakuji, maybe is he stays here enough time he could. "Take your time." You are not saying goodbye, even if it feels like one. But you know by Koyuki he was already forcefully taken away from his human life and love, and you always supported him. No stopping now. You love him too much for that, so again, you will wait for something that is not meant to come. "Akaza..."

Douma:

"Who the fuck are you?" You really need to curse right now. You stayed to be able to watch over Douma, sooner or later you should be able to have a glimpse lf something, and you knew he would kill a lot of people, but this is the first time anyone just pops out of nowhere in front of you. A Hashira of all humans, a short and young woman with a fake smile and a venomous gentleness. You can tell inmediately she despises you, and honestly? You are on the same page. Such a polite tone for sarcastic insults and toying with you, parts of you wants to kill her. "What the FUCK?!" You curse again when Douma's head also suddenly appears.... in front of her.

"Oh, hi Y/N!" It's all he says with those fake smiles of his and what- Why- HOW the FUCK is he here? He is Upper Two! Did he eat too much human food?! Did he step on the sun because he was bored?! You can't phantom what happened as that gets you worked up as you take his head away from her as the damn Hashira starts a monologue you don't give a damn about. "Douma WHAT happened?!" To what he smiles sheepishly "Oh, I was poisoned by that lovely woman over there and beheaded by a talented girl and Kotoha's son, Inosuke. Do you remember them? She was extrmely dumb but a sweetheart, and his son was just adorable, he has her face and eyes. But let me tell you, the girl was very rude." Inosuke? You barely remember him, it has been 14 years, but you do remember Kotoha. Douma adored her and she was a sweetheart. From the fact that that baby is alive to that Douma got decapitated, it's all too much to sink in at once.

The Hashira doesn't seem too happy to be ignored, so clears her throat and you let her finish her monologue, mostly because you are still processing everything Douma just told you. Then you snap out of it when you hear "I think I'm in love with you.", you turn and see he meant the Hashira... really? This woman? He didn't say this to Kotoha, but to her he does? "How about you come to hell with me?" Now you press his face against your chest as you turn to dhoield it with your body in disgust "No!" Thankfully, she looks as she hates the idea as much as you and sends Douma to fuck himself before leaving, if to heaven or hell, you have no idea, but she leaves you both alone.

"Douma?" You move his head, holding it gently, to your face level to make eye contact. "You have never been jealous before, did I make you uncomfortable?" You just chuckle as you shake your head. "You did make me uncomfortable." You admit, making him lose his smile, showing an empty face, just like the last time you saw him. "Sorry, it wasn't my intention. But what are you doing here? Don't tell me you were waiting for me." You can only nod at that, making him sigh as he laughs "Wow, you are as dumb as Kotoha. You could have stayed waiting forever like an idiot. That sounds boring, and you should now I wouldn't want that for you." You laugh with him, you are an idiot, you know that as you walk him to hell as you both talk. This is a better way to go down. "A lot has happened since you left, things have been emptier since that... I'll fill you up."

Kokushibou:

You will be honest, even though you were waiting... you really didn't expect Kokushibou to die, much less so soon. And yet the familiar three pair of eyes make tou freeze. What is he doing here? There is no way he actually died, is it? Uppermoon One? The most powerful Demon after the first one to exist? You don't even know what to say, if you should say something, more convinced this is an illusion caused by how much you miss Kokushibou that the chance that he is actually here. It's just not possible, that is why you are here instead of hell, because it wouldn't make a difference since in neither case you would see him again. You were not waiting, yearning yes, but not waiting. "Y/N." He is the dirst one to say anything after a while of uncomfortable eye contact.

It is his voice, but you still can't react. It's. Not. Possible. You rub your eyes thinking Kokushibou will dissapear, getting frustrated as he doesn't, on the opposite, Kokushibou walks closer to you. You tense as he is just three steps away from you, then holds your head, just the same way he did to secure you in his lap as you were dying. "Kokushibou?" You have to ask, and he seems pleased to be recognized by you. "What happened?" You really have to ask, because you still can't phantom how did he get here, with you, to the dead ones. He evades your gaze, clearly not wanting to talk about it. "It doesn't matter, I'm glad of seeing you again." You still don't know how to react. Kokushibou died, he actually died.

"Are you ok?" Is all you can ask after some moments of silence, usually you were the one talking between the two, and for the first time since you started your relationship, you don't know what else to say. He looks at you firmly after you asked, also not saying anything, just giving a deep sigh. "Yes... I wanted this." He says, but you know better than to believe that. "Don't lie to me, or even try to lie to yourself in front of me." You can tell, he never wanted any of this. He didn't want to die, he never wanted to die, even as demons you could tell, he feared death, but it was something none of you had to worry about. Until you died, and until now.

"I still need... time to think. I have been doing everything wrong for a long time... I will be better... maybe." Maybe... you really don't know what to make of that, but he offers his hand to you. "We should get going." You can see Kokushibou trembling, he is actually scared to cross... whatever this is. Only because of that is that you actually take his hands and walk before him, guiding him to hell. There is still a lot to think about... but you will have time later. "I missed you." You say as you fix your hold as you both walk through the flames, when you turn around Kokushibou seems fixated by them, to the point you don't know who is he talking to. "I missed you too."

[margaretoakgrove]

Not a monster

For Heisenberg it's never been a secret that here in the village he is called the most dangerous of all the four lords.

And for you, the lord's beloved, it's never been a secret either.

His reclusive life in the old factory on the very outskirts of the village, his superhuman physical strength and the power of controlling metal terrify the local villagers, making them create false rumours and foolish horror stories about him.

But you've never been afraid of him although you know that he really is dangerous but in your eyes for a completely different reason.

And the reason is his free and rebellious mind.

You are firmly convinced that the most dangerous person is the one whose mind cannot be controlled, and for you Karl has always been that kind of a man.

It doesn't matter how much time he spent in Miranda's research facility as a lab rat, she didn't manage to brainwash him and turn into her mindless and powerless slave.

The witch proclaimed herself his true mother and still calls him her son, but Karl, the only one of the four lords, knows the whole truth that is skilfully hidden behind the abominable lies.

The man knows that for Miranda he is nothing but another test subject which has become a failed vessel for her long-dead daughter. Just like his siblings and any other living soul in this godforsaken place.

Unlike Alcina, Donna and Moreau, Heisenberg never craved the love of the woman who turned his whole life into an actual hell.

To her within himself he found nothing but furious rage and hatred. Furious to the point that, being a genius at engineering by nature and with the help of his superhuman powers, he has began to create a huge army of mechanized undead soldiers, controllable by him and him alone, so one day he could make the crazy witch pay for everything she's done to him, grinding her with no mercy into paste, finally gaining desired freedom and becoming the only true ruler of his life, holding it within his own hands…

But the days when sadness pays our hearts a visit and a swarm of negative thoughts starts attacking our minds from time to time happen in the life of any human, even in the life of such a tough man like Heisenberg.

Today, feeling especially down, he bitterly told you that you shouldn't have stayed with him, that he was scared damn Miranda would take control over his mind one day and force him badly hurt or even kill you because, after all, he was a monster created by her. A very dangerous monster.

It seemed to you as if your heart cracked and began to bleed after everything he said.

"No! No, that's not true! You are not a monster! You've never been and you will never be a monster!" You slowly came to your beloved and carefully took his face within your hands. "You didn't choose this life. You didn't want anything what happened to you, but the humanity of your soul wasn't taken away, and i see so much human in you. The metal army of yours…those people…they were already dead. You didn't kill anyone of them. Miranda tried to make you feel like monster, but never forget that it's not for me but for her you are the scariest danger because she can't control nor destroy your free mind and human heart. Trust me, my dear, it's not in her power, that's why the damn witch is already failed! Karl, look at me…Please look at me…"

And he raised on you his eyes full of sorrow.

"I am not afraid of you. I love you. I accept you for who you really are and with everything you have. I want you to know that you are never alone because i am always here with you. I love you, Karl. I love you too much no matter what with all my heart. Everything is going to be alright, my love, and believe me when i say this. Together we can overcome absolutely anything!"

Heisenberg firmly closed his eyes, took your hands in his and gently kissed each palm before embracing you with all his might, nuzzling your hair. You immediately wrapped your arms around the lord's wide and strong back, slowly and tenderly rubbing it not even trying to hide the tears that were streaming down your cheeks.

Heisenberg knows perfectly well that in his life you are a bright lantern whose ever-burning light always helps him to walk through the darkness of sad days, and for that to you he is endlessly grateful.

And when the time of overwhelming sorrow is finally going away, the most powerful lord of the village is ready to fiercely fight again for his future happy life in freedom with you and only you.

For a life that no one will ever dare to ruin.

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME BALDUR'S GATE 3 / PART TWO

we were running for our lives.

you led them straight to us.

ah, backstabbing. feels just like home.

this woman saved your pathetic life.

anything to save yourself, you coward.

arrogant prick had it out for me from day one.

coming back to this hellhole was a mistake.

i'd rather face another round of goblins than stay in this pit.

whatever your business, i'd see to it quickly.

you're brave to walk around without hiding your heritage.

we've known enough grief this tenday.

saw you fighting those slimy bastards.

it ain't much, but it might make a difference.

you'll need every bit of strength, trust me.

there isn't a bit of color in those cheeks.

even on a good day, half the camp acts like a bunch of screaming brats.

i'm tempted to smack them all on the backside.

you aren't gonna shoot me — your hands are shaking.

you're better than this.

those words could be your last.

i can't do it, i'm not like you.

i don't need you to be like me.

could just be good luck, but sooner or later it's bound to run out.

lives are at stake and the cowards only care about their bloody rituals.

those dirt-kissers would let us die.

i'll go where i please.

rare and intriguing on a day already packed with intrigue.

there's no overstating my disinterest.

i was concentrating on not dying.

you've proven your authority, now prove your mercy.

let's just clear the air about that now.

it's just an old wound that hurts me from time to time.

it's just something i have to live with.

what is youth if not a time to be forgiven for one's transgressions.

putting a child on display like that was monstrous.

she wasn't innocent, but that doesn't mean she was guilty.

our hospitality have its limits and they were crossed long ago.

you seem like a good soul.

you deserve a chance to save yourself.

you can't cure what you don't understand.

doubt we'll be safe here for long.

he's back with his tail between his legs.

you're the first bit of good faith we've had.

his confidence is an asset.

i thought we had something special.

i'll spend my evenings lounging here while you do all the hard work.

be wary of false promises.

more riddles from my resident jester.

i speak only what requires telling.

finally, some good fortune.

this could be our last night together.

we could find somewhere discreet right now.

brambles on bare skin aren't as fun in practice.

i can't afford to tire you out.

will this little adventure of ours be over?

will you miss me?

you've been to hells and back.

i'm not easily impressed by people, but you're stronger than i gave you credit for.

i am pretty impressive.

i was leagues away.

i just need to get some air, clear my head.

the moonlight shines warmly on us.

do you think me so sheltered?

something's special about us.

i'll not gamble our lives on people who are as good as dead.

if something happens to these people, it's on us.

i suggest you do as she says.

the last time a subordinate questioned my judgement, i ate tongue stew that very night.

you ought to reconsider keeping her around, before she causes real trouble.

if you've finished scowling at me, what comes next?

you ever scare me like that again, and i'll feed you to a gnoll.

i don't make a habit of threatening children.

i'd thought one like you might understand.

when a threat makes itself known, you remove it.

you showed great mettle.

you will do more than speak.

this tale ends but one way.

[welp-back-on-my-bs]

Mmmmm Silvio rant time- because bday-

Fuck I love this man- his story is so good to like- wtf-

He starts out as a total price of shit, a snobbish bitch who is literally everything we hate about capitalism. First impression makes me think of Daughter of Evil and the princess in that song. That's the impression that the king wants Silvio to give off and what he has of Silvio (a spoiled brat who is just an asshole but good at buisness).

But that's what he was groomed into becoming by his parents. Going trough his story we get a bit of a better picture of Silvio, the actual one. He is very kind and believes in people, doing what he can to make them succeed in life(what he does with thr baker and what he tried to do with Rio). He is stubborn as all fucking hell and dosent really open up about his feelings easily. He is loyal to a fault, his loyalty may at first appear to be to his father, but the fact that he insults and belittles him at every opportunity shows otherwise. His true loyalty is to the people of Bennonite, their futures, to Rio, and eventually Emma if his route is chosen.

The first thing we see of Silvio is him haveing pushed a woman away after sex and then drinking. He drinks, alot. It may be a cultural thing, but I think it's also a repression thing. He is addicted to alcohol and sex to hide any bit of weakness.

His distain towards women is a clear factor that his parents put a very negative perception of women into his head. Basically every negative thing he has said about women, that's his father talking about his mother. Or him talking about his mother.

Now- for the Dalmation symbolism. I think the princes chose their crest around the age of 12 so that their personality has mainly formed and whatnot. So, Silvio choseing Dalmation works well (and I think makes his bond with Rio all the better because Rio also chose a dog).

For the physical symbolism, Dalmatians have a white coat with black spots on it. This shows Silvio is good at heart but has been trough and done bad things. That won't go away, but he is still a good person all the same.

Dalmations (like alot of dogs) were bred for hunting. So Silvio being sent out to do the trades, being the Bennonite representative, etc. Is his father putting him to use and sending him out for the hunt foe whatever reason he has that time. (To hopefully get him killed too)

Intelligence, loyalty, courage, determination, strength, and adaptability. Those are all things dalmations are known for and very easily apply to Silvio aswell.

This man is very intelligent, I mean, he is a merchant. I would pur him just below Gilbert and Chealver when it comes to intelligence. It probably wasn't ingrained into him, but he picked up differnt things while doing the kings errands.

I already did loyalty-

Determination... ❤️. Anyways- that determination is heavily linked towards his stubbornness. In his Romantic route, he comes up with a plan to make a four way alliance between the kingdoms. The king ends up pissed, but he knew that, he knew the conciquences and did it anyways. He dosent wish for those he travels with to end up dead. That's his number one rule. Don't. Die.

Courage is also quite the thing, I mean, he does often backtalk the king. Even gets the courage to go trough with his betrayal towards his father because of the change of loyalties.

Strength is probably not his strongest suit. But he is still very strong. He isn't apart of the military, but he has been able to fight off pirates and multiple of them at once. He could probably bring Gilbert out into a draw in a physical fight. But he isn't the strongest emotionally. He hides what he actually feels, pretends that he dosent care about the ones he cherishes the most, dosent cry when he needs to. He can't do it. But he can do it for things that will show in the long term, he wants to help Rio become what he sees as strong, so that he won't have to be hurt. He helps Emma be able to express herself freely instead of being happy 24/7. He supports those who wouldn't have the money to chase their dreams.

Adaptability is a strong suit for him. He may also lose out to Gilbert in this area, but that dosent matter. He adapts quickly into the situation with Emma since Gilbert was the one to figure out first she was Belle, so one less job for him to do. He proposes a tight deal on the first draft and makes extra so that Obsidian would agree aswell over the original plan. Makes sure that the two people he cares about the most is away from the shithead of a king.

All in all, Silvio is a good boyo and I love him alot-

[jaegrfilms]

Hurts Like Hell — Chapter One: The first day of the rest of your life.

Summary: A 2,000-year-old story went out like an ember. A path taken by war and carnage condemned to oblivion by human ignorance. Now, Wall Maria has fallen and among thousands of people who lost everything they had, and among them, someone abandoned by fate. A girl who believed that there was something more outside the great walls that she spent her life surrounding everyone, and believes that, one step at a time, she will find what she spent her entire life wanting to see. But that was taken from her. The world has left the bitter taste of reality in a dreamer and now everything about who she is is dead and gone.

And now she knows that the enemies have always been there, waiting to pounce on their prey. But deep down she is still a naive child who believes in the future. She vows to take back what was taken from her. You just don't want to gain more than you already had, including the presence of Eren Yeager in your life, where everything starts to take a turn and make sense. So, even if the world hurts too much, what doesn't bring you down makes you stronger. And even though the enemies are still closer than she expected, she trusts her companions.

A/N: hi to you who gave HURTS LIKE HELL a chance! This chapter is very long, it has more than 4 thousand words and I tried to do everything I could to make it not a tiring read. Warning that this chapter has descriptions of panic and anxiety attacks. So, read carefully. Hope you like it <3

Art by @gem1ny on twitter

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell on this earth forevermoreaid I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul but I can't walk on the path of the right because I'm wrong."

Once, a girl born without a name, faithfully believed that she would reach the end of the world. It was naive; they told her. It was so innocent to the point that the truth could leave a bitter taste. There was no world outside the walls; she had heard all her life, at least not one in which humanity could prevail. It was a promised land that had been tainted with a history condemned to oblivion and extinguished like an ember.

What was hidden out there had not been made for humans, so 100 years of pure ignorance and a false peace, which walked a line so thin that it could break at any moment, had been the best option. However, she may not have taken her steps to the end of the world, but he came to meet her.

Everything about who she was is dead and buried, but solid in memory like a tomb. And she remembers everything.

✧ ✦ ✧

Spring 842: Wall Maria, Shiganshina.

Shiganshina is small and dull; At least, that's the impression given. When the great gates open and a vessel glides through the water, its calm current lapping against its hull, a girl takes firm steps across the wood. She holds her breath, as if she could make everything stop, as if the disorienting sensation that sets in and leaves her radiating could disappear the moment she closes her eyelids. Her small fingers that gripped the blue-green hat that rested on its black strands, fearing that it would get lost in the wind current.

The vessel engages with everything in the small port, meaning that the inertia of its balanced feet prevents it from taking forward momentum. The hustle starts in the blink of an eye; people come and go and the girl just concentrates on the movement that their arrival causes. Your village is too small by comparison; people are tiny, with tiny ideals rooted in shallow dreams. Now, this is a new world, and these are new people, and now, what one feels is a false sense of freedom as he leaves his old world behind.

“Tori” A familiar voice that pulls you into reality, making the physical environment around you aware again. When she turns around, she is a woman with white strands that blend into the black, which stand out next to her grayish irises. Verena Fehrmann's fingers fit around the small wrist of Astoria Fehrmann, her niece. "Let's go down. The trip was long."

It is squeezing through the movement of the crowd that Tori feels like she is on solid ground and relief comes over her.

“I hate boats.” The girl murmurs, head down and with the shadow of her hat hiding the intense blue that fills her eyes. “They make me sick and… they could sink at any moment."

“Honey, feel happy. When you are afraid of something and it still happens, that is called courage.”

“Tell that to the military police soldier I almost threw up on…” Tori muttered to herself, while Verene let out a sincere laugh at her niece's honest reaction.

They walked side by side in the middle of that place; a labyrinth filled with people. Tori observed the strangers who passed over her detail by detail, noticed amidst the sea of ​​strangers, unfamiliar clothes, customs and words. It was as if one day she had closed her eyes and been overcome by sleep, sinking into the longest dream possible. In fact, if she had to put it into words, there would be no way she could express what she will feel upon seeing a world that has been hidden for so long.

Slowly, she approached the next place she would call home. Wooden columns that rise and cover stone bricks, curved tiles and a chimney that rises to a height, windows that would later be opened by the presence of life in the house that will allow the fresh spring air to enter. Small, but bigger than the house he resided in at the beginning of his tiny village in Wismar, making it cozy and surprising enough for Tori to hold her breath as she tried to process.

“We’re here.” Verena stopped when she stood in front of the structure, looking down and seeing an innocent little girl, fascinated by the new and condemning the old to oblivion. “This is our new home.”

"This is much bigger than our backyard in Wismar.” Tori continues analyzing detail by detail, line by line and crack by crack. With her chin up and her eyes following, she doesn't notice when the hat slides from the top of her head to the floor.

“Hey… Excuse me…” A voice that has never been heard by Tori appears from behind, which arouses her curiosity and makes her immediately turn back. And then, the blue of the girl's curious gaze meets a repressed green.

He must be her age; He wears simple clothes, standing out with the red scarf that wraps around his neck. The hair is brown, messy and shiny. But what draws attention is the intense green color in her irises, a green she has never seen in her life, but she can assume it is close to the tone described in rare jewels of stories preserved in books. Momentarily, it seemed unreal. Until she noticed the white hat that is held by the stranger's hands.

“You dropped it.” He refers to the hat and the fact that the girl's gaze drops to it reveals that she understands. Tori picked up the accessory that returned to the top of her head and looked at the stranger again, showed a smile without exposing her teeth and murmured, grateful.

"Thanks." That's when she noticed that the boy is not alone. A tall woman, apparently a little younger than Tori's aunt, is approaching. A yellow blouse with rolled-up sleeves and a long red skirt that hides the legs is the woman's clothing. And surprisingly, she is extremely similar to the boy who approached. However, there is a contrast between the two, going from an immersive bluish green to a warm amber.

“Are you the newcomers from Wall Sina?” The woman asks as she approaches, standing a little behind the little boy, her fingers stopping on his shoulders. His tone of voice is sweet, bringing a welcome invitation to a conversation. “I thought I would be without neighbors for a long time.”

"It's us. We come from the village of Wismar.” Verena shows sympathy in her smile, expressing that she reciprocates the other woman's politeness. ”I'm Verena Fehrmann. This is Astoria, my niece. But she likes to be called Tori.”

“I'm Carla Jaeger, your neighbor. This is Eren, my son.” Now that the two strangers have a name, Astoria once again notices the boy who will take her hat. Eren, it suits you. That's what she thinks in the back of her mind. She notices how he behaves during the conversation, his eyes avoid hers at all costs, while he bites the corner of his cheek and pretends to be interested in anything around him. “You can ask for help with whatever you need, right? My husband, Grisha, is a doctor, if you need assistance. And if Tori needs company, Eren will be happy to provide it.” The boy's face explodes into a subtle reddening at his mother's last words, and he continues to pretend to be more interested in the cracked stone floor than in the conversation in front of him.

Astoria finds it mildly intriguing for a moment. “That’s great, isn’t it, Tori?” She looks away from Eren and agrees with a simple nod of her head. And, even though she doesn't see it, even though it isn't clear, the moment she takes the boy's attention away, Astoria knows that there is something that is watching her intently. “We're fine, but I'll let you know if we need anything.”

It is with a quick goodbye and a warm look that the matriarch says goodbye to her son; this one who whispers a little goodbye. Almost so inaudible that Tori may wonder if she's hearing things. They turn their backs and go on their way, together, without looking back. When they enter a house a few steps away from where the girl would be now, she turns her back and follows her aunt into the new home. What she didn't realize was that the boy she had just met, who was marked in her path, watched her through the window until he ran out of sight.

This was the first time Astoria Fehrmann and Eren Yeager met. That was the beginning of the end.

✧ ✦ ✧

Summer 845: Wall Maria, Shiganshina.

At some point, you lose the rhythm of walking in this world. The simple act of letting air fill your lungs and leave it faster than it came in can cost you more than you think. It could cost you half your life.

Astoria Fehrmann is twelve years old. People in Shiganshina are under the impression that she is everywhere. Running, let's see, barefoot because he thinks that his fingers against the ground gives him a feeling of reality. It's been five years since she was first there; since leaving the old village that was previously the only part of the world she knew, and for a long time, she thought she would be comfortable being there, in a city surrounded by fifty meter walls.

But at some point, it became as boring as Wismar, and as small as a sparrow's cage.

“It has so much salt that the sellers could spend the rest of their lives collecting it, but they would never be able to get it all.” Armin Arlert articulates behind Tori; He's a sweet boy, he's the same age as her and has long hair that's inches above his shoulders, as golden as the sun and blue as the sky. He tells about something called the sea, an immensity of water much larger and deeper than the river that passes through the city. “And he’s really, really big!”

“Impossible, Armin. Salt is expensive.” Tori laughs as she walks down the alley, turning to him with a mischievous smile. “But when I leave, I’ll look at the sea to see if you’re right.”

"Go away?"

"Exactly." She blinks, turning back to the path ahead. “One day, I'm going to leave here, I'm going to see what's out there. Outside the walls.” Armin blinks a few times, before smiling slightly, without showing his teeth, and continuing.

“You sound like Eren talking” He mentions and the name takes shape in Tori’s mind; the stranger she met the first day she was in the city, with such a strong temper that she often saw the boy getting into trouble, which he got out of with the help of Armin and the girl who was always following them, Mikasa Ackerman. “But... You're right. Everyone lives so comfortably in here, because nothing has ever happened in a hundred years... But, no one thinks that one day this will end.”

“Aunt Verena, sometimes, seems to want to say that it’s our fault, you know? Of humanity. That this was the result of humans’ own actions.” Tori says, remembering her aunt's words.

“Well, I guess we'll never know what happened before we were here, since there's no record... Ouch!” Armin stops talking when he feels something hard, solid and deformed hit his head, causing his balance to almost fail.

In an automatic reaction, Tori quickly turned to see what it had been, and where it had come from. In his direction, three young men in simple clothes walk towards them, with a stupidly visible evil in their eyes. Until the one in the middle decides to start talking.

“Do you idiots have any idea what you’re talking about? If you want to become titan food so much, feel free.” The other two, who looked even more foolish than the one in the middle, start laughing. “We don’t need heretics like you, you are useless to humanity.”

“That’s none of your business.” Tori counters, automatically getting in front of Armin. “If you want to talk about someone being useless to humanity, look at you: three idiots incapable of doing anything, just taking up space.”

"What did you say?!" The same boy from before, looking like his blood is boiling as he approaches the girl, standing face to face, and being twice her size. Before she can say or do anything, thick, rough fingers press her head against the wall and squeeze her neck. “You think you can criticize me? Do you think you're smarter than me? But you're nothing like that…”

The same thing that hit Armin before, a small stone that would fit in Tori's palm, hits the back of the head of the boy who bullies her. Armin had thrown the rock.

“You bastard…” The boy lets go, heading towards Armin.

“Armin!” Tori screams, but the other boys grab her arm, preventing her from moving forward to defend the blonde. “I swear, if you lay a finger on him!”

This is followed by Armin receiving a blow from the boy's fist, taking him to the ground. He grabs the blond's shirt, forcing him to stand up and presses him against the brick wall, while a thin layer of blood forces itself onto the left corner of the boy's lips.

“What’s wrong, heretic?! If you’re not happy, just get out!”

“Like… Like I would stoop to your level.”

"How it is?!"

"Exactly." Armin retorts with a sharp tongue, trying to take control of the situation. “Tori and I are right, but people like you always go the other way because they are incapable of hearing the truth.” “Repeat that, smart guy!”

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Tori's eyes widen when she notices another voice, and realizes she knows who it is. From afar, she sees Eren Jaeger running towards her with an angry expression.

“It’s Eren!” Says one of the boys holding Tori's arms, which causes the bully holding Armin to let go until he falls to the ground.

“You escaped being beaten this time, you bastard.” The boy who was holding Armin speaks, which causes the other two to also let go of Tori, who feels her skin burn from the impact, even indirect, with the ground. “Hmm?”

Behind Eren, a figure with flowing black hair and a red scarf appears. The moment the three boys notice Mikasa, their expressions of horror are immediate.

“He’s with Mikasa! We're screwed!" In running steps, the three boys disappeared from Astoria's sight so quickly that it was like blinking an eye.

She looks at Armin, lying on the other side as blood pools on his lips and paints them a scarlet red. Her throat hurts, remembering the feeling of those fingers that pressed her against the wall. Your skin hurts, knowing that the palms of your hands would be worn from the fall.

“Look, they ran away the moment they saw me!” Eren stops running when the distance between him and the two children ends, his chest puffing out with pride at his achievement.

“Actually, they left when they saw Mikasa…” Armin whispered, as quietly as if he was talking to himself. The moment Eren notices his fallen friend, his pride seems to die and worry takes over, going straight to Armin.

“Armin! Are you well?" Eren extends his small hand to the blonde, however, it is completely ignored when he stands up on his own.

"You want help?" Mikasa Ackerman asked shyly, bending her knees to be at Astoria's height, who was on the floor, supported by her arm. The other girl took her arm and supported her to get up. At this moment, Eren turned around and noticed the girl with blue eyes and black hair. It was automatic that he approached her and examined her condition, looking for signs of injury like there was on Armin.

“Tori, are you… are you okay?” The boy asks, this time in a low voice. “I can’t believe they hit a girl.”

“They were just angry because I said something they didn't like…” Tori shrugged, as she ran her fingers through her clothes to remove any dirt that had stuck to them. “I didn’t lie, anyway.”

"But what happened?"

✧ ✦ ✧

“And then, after that, he went after Tori, called us heretics…” Armin finished, explaining about the previous incident.

“Bastards.” Eren gritted his teeth, anger showed on his face. "Just because you and Tori thought about leaving here?"

Tori faced the running water of the river that passed through the city canal. This is where she first passed on her way to Shiganshina, and where the boats from Shiganshina crossed. Your feet dangle over the edge of the wall and touch the cold, icy water, which causes a thermal shock throughout your body.

“Their thought was what the king and whoever is up there wanted them to think.” Tori says finally, looking at the trio who sat next to her. “At least, that’s what my aunt says.”

“The king is a coward, end of story.” Eren declared “You’re right, but…” Armin trails off, thinking in his meticulous head. “Is that really the only reason?”

“But it’s our life! There are risks!” Eren tries to argue, punctuating his anger. “That’s our goal.”

"Forget." Mikasa speaks for the first time since the four of them sat near the water, but without looking at any of them. "I do not think like that."

“By the way, Mikasa! Why the hell did you tell on me to my parents?”

“I never said I would collaborate.”

"What do you want to do?" Tori asked, feeling a hint of curiosity emerging.

“I… I want to join the Survey Corps…” Eren replied and lowered his head, perhaps merely embarrassed.

“That’s cool” She swung her legs in the air, speaking sincerely. “What they do is... Cool. My aunt says they are honest, but she would never let me join them.”

“But what did your parents say?” Armin asked.

“Well… They didn’t stand up or applaud me…”

“I can imagine. It’s dangerous, but I can imagine how far you’ll go.” Armin curls up as he speaks, his arms hug his legs against his chest and his head rests on his knees. “But, I would like to know about the people who believe that staying within the walls will protect them forever. It hasn’t been broken in a hundred years, but there’s no guarantee that it will ever happen, and yet…”

It was at a moment when Tori was distracted, that the ground shook and she had the impression that the earth was about to open. A boom as big as lightning ringing in his ears. It seemed like his eardrums were threatening to burst, as the noise still sounded for long seconds in his ear in the form of a high pitch.

"What was this?!" Tori asked, in a louder tone than normal, due to the ringing in her ears.

“I think... I think it was an earthquake.” Eren replied, his voice also loud. At this point, the buzzing was gone. When Tori looked around, thousands of people rushed to a specific meeting point, some curious, and others with horrified expressions on their faces. In an act of impulse, her legs moved on their own and she ran to where a crowd was gathering, hearing Armin calling for her, but Tori ignored her and continued on her way.

She brushes past thousands of taller people, trying to see what they are looking at, but when the girl looks up at the top of the Wall, her bones freeze.

She forgot how to breathe. She's scared to the bone. His features so striking in pure horror, not knowing how to move. Up there, on a fifty-meter Wall, a hand in pure raw flesh, extremely large, and a merciless, inhuman gaze, which stares at what is below as if they were worms. At least, that's the feeling Tori has.

"This is impossible!" Armin's terrified voice reaches her, just as scared as she is. “The wall... The wall is fifty meters!”

Then, it was in a matter of seconds, that an even bigger noise sounds again, and huge stone debris from the Wall passes over them, which leaves a large hole in the great stone wall. This was the trigger; screams coming from everywhere, screams of fear, despair and pure agony. People run and bump into the girl, but she can't move.

Until the image of the wreckage comes back to her mind, like the trigger she needed to return to reality.

“Those things... Those destroyed things went... In the direction of our street!” She said in one breath, before turning around and starting to run as fast as she had ever run before.

She doesn't know if the screams calling her came from Armin, Eren and Mikasa. It doesn't matter. Your mind is racing, your skin tingles and your throat closes, your heart seems to explode inside your chest as adrenaline runs wild through your veins.

I need to find my aunt. I need to find my aunt. I need to find my aunt.

The thoughts are disorganized in the girl's head, her body moves without guidance and when she turns the corner and stops on the street of her house, she feels like crying when she sees her house intact, until she notices the big boulder that left her house. Jaeger family in pure wreckage. But now, time is more precious than ever. And she has priorities in mind.

Tori opens the door with her own body, not bothering enough to use the handle. Her body hits the wall and she falls to the floor, but getting up faster than she fell.

"AUNT!" She screams, at the top of her lungs, feeling her voice wanting to crack as small tears gather in the corners of her eyes. “AUNT VERENA!” Tori searches every room, searches the kitchen, the bedrooms, anywhere she might be.

Anything.

There was absolutely no one there.

Where did you go?

Astoria Fehrmann doesn't know what to do, where to go or who to turn to. The outside was now inside, the demon crawled inside and was there to lead everyone to the abyss. And now, she was alone, there was not a sign of life in that house.

The memory of that morning comes back to him; Verena welcomes her with open arms in the morning, and leaves a simple kiss on her forehead, asking her not to come home late. And now, Astoria wished she had ordered, to be in her aunt's warm arms and snuggle while she told her a story and played with her hair.

But it's too late.

With slow steps, incredulous eyes and an empty mind, Astoria returns outside. The street is empty except for something. With his back to her, with blonde hair and a height of more than ten meters, a body extremely disproportionate due to an extremely large chest and thin arms, a titan feeds on its prey, with the blood that infests the air and falls to the ground. , tarnishing Shiganshina.

The girl doesn't scream, doesn't move. He stands there, vulnerable as he observes the cruel world he lives in, a life, whoever the titan ate, that was mercilessly taken away.

And soon, Tori would be next.

Then, the titan slowly turns around: he has small amber eyes, as well as a big smile, which takes up half of his face, but the white of his teeth is erased by blood red. His hand is in a closed fist, where half a body is trapped, with the legs out. Then, the titan returns to focusing on its dead prey. There is a ringing in Tori's ears, she may think she is deaf as nothing but muffled sounds reach her ears.

“ASTORIA!”

Full stop. Consciousness returned to her body, and when she turns to face the person calling her name, Verena is in front of her, her breathing unregulated, her clothes dirty, and clearly altered. Astoria feels the tears falling violently from her face, of relief, of pain, of fear. She wraps her arms around the older woman and is welcomed into a hug so strong that it seems as if the two could merge.

“Honey, listen carefully!” Verena moved away, bending down to her niece's height, with her hands firmly on either side of her face. “I need you to run. We're going to have to get to the boats in the harbor before we can get out of here, so even if you're injured, you can't give up. Did you understand?!" She did not answer. “Do you understand, Astoria?!”

"I understood!"

Verena grabbed her niece's hand, and then they ran, running like never before. They ran for their lives. For the lives that were being left behind.

The whole way there, Tori thought that if hell really exists, this is what it was like. With blood flowing through the city streets, people screaming for their lives, people dead, crushed, screams everywhere, for help, for fear. Her fingers pressed against Verena's, who guided her towards the city's port, where her departure would be.

“Don’t let go of me, Astoria!” However, his warning was not enough. In the midst of the crowd that bumped into each other, without caring about what was in front, with the instinct to save their own lives guiding them. Tori feels incredible pain in her fingers from the grip, then it breaks and she is separated from Verena. The woman looks back, horrified, as the crowd throws her backwards until she is out of sight.

“ASTORIA! GO TO THE BOATS!” It's the last thing she hears, because at that moment, being pushed around by thousands of people, being separated from the family she had, her conscience is giving up on her.

She tries to scream, but her voice doesn't come out, her body is giving up on keeping her upright, her eyelids are slowly closing while her heart beats too hard, her eyes let too many tears flow and she doesn't know what to do.

Her senses try to keep it from shutting down, but nothing happens, her body is numb and at that moment, Astoria wished she was home, she wanted to go home and lie down after a tiring day, curl up in her blankets and receive a sweet good night from your aunt. But reality is unchangeable, and the world is evil.

I will die. It's what repeats itself in your head, thousands of times. He finished. She's not strong, she's not smart as she thought and the world proved that to her in the cruelest way possible. With the last sense he has, he tries to reach out in the direction Verena was taken, but it's useless.

Then, your eyes close and darkness takes over.

✧ ✦ ✧

NEXT CHAPTER

A/N: FIRST CHAPTER AND THERE IS ALREADY TRAUMA GUARANTEED! Jokes aside, making it clear to you that NO, Tori did not die! She passed out because of the stress of the situation and because she was having a panic attack, our dear is not leaving us (yet) Anyway, I hope you liked it! Until next time <3

[gabriel-xander]

I Wish You Died Instead Ch. 5

[Scaramouce x Fem!Reader]

A/N: I started writing this before all of his lore came out/Before the last Sumeru Archon quest, so there will be a handful of inconsistency later on. My advice to you? Just go with it!

{Also on Quotev, Ao3, and Wattpad under Gabriel Xander}

Chapter 5: Played Like The Cheap Kazoo You Are

One thing you can appreciate about Scaramouche is his guts. That man has nerves of steel like you wouldn't believe. And in an act of mercy, you were allowed to look away during his massacre.

"Help me gather them up."

".................I don't want to-"

"-HUH!?"

"My Lord, with all due respect..." You grimace with judgement as he hauls the bloody boar over his shoulder with ease, "That's really fucking gross."

"Quit your bitching. I already did you the favor of not helping me kill these things," Scaramouche frowns, "I order you to help me carry these back to the camp."

You roll your eyes before grabbing the other dead boar by the legs, swinging it over your shoulder.

"It's a Goddamn miracle that I haven't beaten the shit out of you yet," The Harbinger comments while you whine about the blood.

You deadpan, "I must be blessed."

It was the next morning of staying with Isaac, Ivan, and Noah, the Treasure Hoarders that had been so kind to allow you and Scaramouche to stay with them.

Noah was a person of interest; he was one the Treasure Hoarder's that was responsible for your misfortune. He didn't seem to recognize you both as Fatui, hopefully it stays that way for a while longer. You two are hoping that bringing them food and furs would get them to trust you a little more.

You wince in pain and stop walking for a moment, breathing through your nose to calm your nerves. Your injury still hurts, you haven't gotten the opportunity to properly heal yourself yet.

"What's the matter with you?" Scaramouche turns around when he notices you stopped.

"Nothing, My Lord," You sigh, starting your walk once more, "Just wondering how we'll learn anything from Noah."

He frowns, "Any ideas?"

"I don't know, I thought... He showed, like... a fraction of interest in me, I thought I could use, like... my woman-ness on him?"

"...Your what??"

"My womanly charms! I don't know! Seduce him or whatever!"

"..." Scaramouche squints at you with disbelief, "You want to whore yourself out to get some intel?"

You scoff, "Well, when you say it like that-"

"-No, you're not doing that," Scaramouche protested, "Anyway, you can't do that even if you wanted to. I told him you were my girlfriend."

Oh, right.

You sigh, "And I thought I would be able to forget about it easily."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

You shake your head, "Nothing, forget it. I don't really have any ideas, anyway."

You adjust your hold on the dead animal as you two walk in angry silence. Not a day goes by that you wish you were literally anywhere else but here. Hopefully Scaramouche had a plan, you honestly didn't know where to go from here.

"You might have to whore out." He says suddenly.

"Ah, so like a normal day then."

"......What?"

"I'm joking."

You were not.

"I liked it better when you didn't talk," The Balladeer huffs.

"Honestly, me too."

——

You and your superior had to stay another night with the Treasure Hoarders as the storm came back that evening. Luckily, you were all able to relocate to a small cave nearby before it got too bad. That also meant you did most of the heavy lifting as you're a strong, independent woman who don't need no man.

Scaramouche sat close by the fire to make sure it didn't die, and to try and eavesdrop on Isaac, Ivan, and Noah. You sat by the fire as well, but you were more focused on the letter you were writing to your best friend, Kazuki.

Which is fucking stupid, Nao!! It literally means Pants! The Tsaritsa is epic and all, don't get me wrong. But fucking Pantalone??? She couldn't give him a better title?? This has been bothering me forever and I need to say it if no one else will!!

With that said, yes. I DO want to wear a suit when we go see your sister in Sumeru soon. We should totally match, too. Maybe she'll think we're together and finally leave you alone about you being a lonely fuck.

Speaking of which, you know what Lord Scaramouche did?? The audacity of some bitches, I swear to the Gods-

"[Y/n]."

"Hm?" You lift your head, making eye contact with Scaramouche who was across from you, "Yes, Kuni?"

He scrunches his nose, "Kuni?"

You look around, finally noticing that it was just you and him. "Oh, damn. Where did they go?"

"Gods, you're such an airhead."

You smack your lips at his comment, "Did you need something, Kunikuzushi?"

He rolls his eyes, "They left so I can attend to your wound. Get over here so I can clean it."

You sigh, setting down your paper and pencil while making sure it won't suddenly fly into the fire. It would be too inconvenient to rewrite it all. You start removing your coat and shirt as you walk around the fire to sit by Scaramouche.

He works silently and efficiently. You've never seen this man bleed or bruise before, and his body is a little abnormally solid. You doubt he's ever taken an injury based on his seemingly perfect skin.

And yet... You've never once had a wound so gently attended to the way Scaramouche is doing now.

"What were you writing? A report?" He asks, confusing you as he hates small talk.

"Uh, a report on my feelings and emotions, yeah."

"You keep a diary?"

"Ew, no," You quickly reject the notion, "I'm writing to Kazuki. He works under Lord Ch-erm, Lord Tartaglia."

"You should keep your work life and personal life separate."

"You're the one who asked, sir."

"Whatever."

You had to bite your tongue as he cleaned your injury. The pain was bearable, but you were also a little bitch that likes to whine at any minor inconvenience. You hate the silence, and you wish you can at least hum to yourself, no matter if you're good at singing or not, but you know damn well that you already showed too much personality to this bitch ass man.

"Hey!!"

"The fuck?!"

You jerk around to glare at your boss with a flustered expression, "Can you not do that?!"

Scaramouche holds his hands up in confusion, "The hell are you talking about?!"

"You-When you just–" You mimic his previous action with your hands mid-air, moving your hands slowly in a similar silhouette of your own figure, "–The way you ran your hands up and down my sides! It-It was way too gentle!!"

By the look on his face, you can tell that even Scaramouche wasn't aware that he was doing it. He must've been lost in thought and did it subconsciously.

"I-I-"

"-Some people are ticklish, okay!!" You huff out in frustration, "Next time you do something like that, keep that in mind!"

"..."

"..."

You can practically see the cogs turn in his head. You raise an eyebrow.

That... is not what he thought you were upset about. Whether you were saving him from the embarrassment of being caught admiring how nice your skin is, or you genuinely thought he did it by accident, he didn't know.

And frankly? He didn't have the guts to find out the truth.

"Uh, okay. I'll–keep that in mind..."

You nod in satisfaction. You look down at your side, poking at the gauze taped over your wound.

"You're done, right? Thanks!"

You stand up and reach over to grab your shirt when the Universe decides it wants to mess with you just a little more. Isaac, Ivan, and Noah enter the tent laughing with each other, though they quiet down when they see you without your shirt and only your arm covering your titties.

You all stare at each other in silence, the three men becoming more red and flustered the longer they stare, and Scaramouche gains an unreadable expression. Your gaze flickers to him, trying to remind him that "hey, you're supposed to be my boyfriend, probably do something?"

Reading what you had in mind, finally the Balladeer catches on and stands up with a pissed off look.

"THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?! GET OUT!!"

"SORRY!!!"

———— Two Months Later ————

You slam the empty shot glass down on the counter, your gaze mindlessly wandering off to nothing in particular as you try desperately to forget the things you've seen today.

Scaramouche is not known for his patience, and out of all the Harbingers, he's definitely the least likable. But there's something you didn't think you'd ever take for granted, and that was his strange consideration for your feelings when it comes to-

"Cheer up, [L/n]. It wasn't that bad."

You roll your eyes and motion for the bartender to come over. "Easy for you to say. Some of us have morals and values, especially when it comes to human lives."

The bartender pours you your fourth shot of the night, you're finally beginning to feel a little tipsy from drinking straight Fire Water. You knock it back like a champ and semi-slam the glass back down.

"Ouch, is that judgment I hear?"

You look at your temporary comrade with a deadpan look, "What do you think, Soto?"

He laughs at your words, not feeling perturbed at all.

Amatista Soto, a man born and raised in Natlan only to somehow get involved with the Fatui. You don't know his story, other than the fact he has a Pyro vision and is most likely a fucking sociopath. You don't doubt that the only reason he joined the Fatui was so that he could kill people under the protection of the Fatui and the Tsaritsa.

His skin is medium brown with a beauty mark under his right eye. His very wavy hair was always tied back in a low ponytail, but that didn't make it look neater. He always wore an Iris flower behind his right ear, too. You have to admit that it brought out his vibrant eyes, the color of amethyst. That's probably how he was named, too.

You hated that he was attractive with a tall, large build. Made you hate him even more because how are you going to be a hot motherfucker who's so evil-

Under orders of Pierro, Scaramouche was sent somewhere unknown. You tried asking the Balladeer of his soon-to-be whereabouts, but all he did was shake his head in response. In the meantime, he ordered you to assist any other Harbinger so that your skill isn't wasted while you wait for him to come back.

——

"And... when WILL you be back, sir?" You had asked the day he left, accidentally showing concern.

Scaramouche sighed and shook his head, "I don't know. But... My advice is: don't wait for me. I could be gone for a VERY long time."

"Oh... O-Okay," You nodded, "Good luck, sir. And be careful."

He smirked, "You almost sound like someone who cares. Don't let me catch you getting soft again, [L/n]."

"Hmph! In your dreams."

——

After dealing with Noah and the other Treasure Hoarders (a memory you desperately are trying to forget due to how it ended), you started working under various Harbingers (minus Childe since he was still in Liyue).

Well, every Harbinger other than Dottore, though. You don't understand Scaramouche's resentment to the second Harbinger, but you don't question his demands as he is your superior.

Currently, you are working under the Knave, or at least, you think you are? You haven't been given direct orders from her yet, and the most you have done for her so far is fucking paper work.

"I'm going back to the Zapolyarny Palace," You sigh, pushing yourself off the stool, "Then I'm going to pass the fuck out."

"Have a good night!" "Bah."

———— Two Months Later ————

You wait patiently by the door for La Signora to be finished talking with Pantalone about some fundings, Il Dottore was with them, too. You were about to head off to Fontaine with Arlecchino, but she tells you there's a sudden change of plans, and that she was handing you off to the Fair Lady.

You were so lucky that your mask was hiding your deadpan expression. You asked her why you were suddenly being handed off to the 8th Harbinger, but Arlecchino just dismisses you with "she needs a new assistant since her last one died in Mondstadt."

...

HOW REASSURING!!

You were zoning out, a skill you learned in the Fatui so that you can be oblivious to the Harbinger's business. Unless it involves you directly, you don't want to know what their personal goals are.

You start to gnaw at your bottom lip. You are curious about this "Traveler" you keep hearing about, though. Apparently, La Signora has had an encounter with this blond haired person and their flying fairy while snatching the Gnosis from poor Barbatos. Barbatos... Barbie toes... Barbs... Barbara...

"Are you deaf?"

"Huh?"

You blink rapidly and look at who's talking to you.

La Signora, Pantalone, and Il Dottore were just staring at you now. Pantalone and the Doctor looked amused at your obliviousness. La Signora? Not so much.

"Oh, my apologies. I was lost in thought," You hold up the small stack of papers, "Here is the proper documentation on my temporary recruitment. I look forward to working with you, my Fair Lady."

"Hmph," The 8th Harbinger doesn't bother with the papers even though she requested them, "The Balladeer spoke highly of your abilities despite not having a Vision or a Delusion. So tell me, what exactly is it about you that is so praise worthy?"

"I was surprised as well to hear how high he puts you in regards. I never heard of a Harbinger having this much trust in anyone, even more so in a low ranking Fatui," Pantalone comments, "Then we hear from the Knave that you are quite competent, even in her standards?"

"It is hard not to be curious." Il Dottore adds.

"To be frank, I am just his secretary more than anything else. I take care of all his paperwork, I'm his messenger, I'm the commander of his Skirmishers, and I give orders to the lower ranks on his behalf." You shake your head, "Very seldomly would I go out on the front lines myself. I can probably count the amount of times I went into battle myself on both hands."

Which to the normal person, that is a lot. But for a Fatui? That's practically zero. And in all honesty, for anyone else, it'd be unacceptable.

Scaramouche is not known for his patience, and out of all the Harbingers, he's definitely the least likable. But there's something you didn't think you'd ever take for granted, and that was his strange consideration for your feelings when it comes to violence,

Never once had he actually forced you to hurt someone if you didn't want to, and he never made you kill anyone either. Anytime you had to hurt someone, it was self defense. And anytime you kill someone...

Well, you do your best to repress those memories.

Working for the other Harbinger's made you realize you took that silent consideration for granted. Since all these fuckers want from you is violence.

"I see. So it's safe to say you are what makes him look good from the shadows," Pantalone puts a hand to his chin.

"Not at all. Lord Scaramouche has done a lot more than I. Really, I only take care of the boring things." You redirect your attention to the woman, "If I may, my Fair Lady, can I know why you have requested my assistance so suddenly?"

"Simple really. I haven't gotten the chance to personally witness what makes you so great. It'd be a shame if you went off to Fontaine for who knows how long before I got the chance to use you."

Mmmm pues.

"I-I see. Well, I hope I can meet your expectations," You force a smile, "Is there anything else you need?"

"Yes, pack your things," La Signora smirks slyly, "We're going to Liyue."

....

SHIIIT.

[borderline-culture-is]

Vent, TW Suicidal ideation, Self harm, ED mention....idk what else //

BPD culture is waNTING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER FUCKIN TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Even your own mother who deals with similar shit DOESN'T FUCKING BELIEVE ME AND THINKS IM A SPOILED FUCKING BRAT

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?? HM?? WHAT DID I DO WRONG??

now it's to the fucking point where my sister thinks it's fun and quirky to tell every fucking kid she meets "oh I love being sad and depressed!!" AND I FUCKING HATE IT. SHE KNOWS BETTER. SHE FUCKING KNOWS BETTER.

I've explained it to her, my mother has explained it to her, SHE'S SEEN MY MOM GET SO SUICIDAL AND FUCKIN LOSE HERSELF BECAUSE OF IT. BUT YEAH, NO, ITS FUN TO BE DEPRESSED. ITS NOT LIKE IT MAKES EVERYONES LIFE A LIVING FUCKING HELL!!!

I dont

I don't fucking care if she's 8. I don't fucking care. I KNEW BETTER AT 8. I FUCKING KNEW BETTER. I KNEW BETTER THAN TO TELL PEOPLE TO KILL THEMSELVES TOO.

And now because my mom is SO keen on forcing us to be those stupid fucking ultra close siblings, my mom gave her MY favourite artist to listen to. THEY'RE MY FAVE ARTIST. I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE ELSE LISTENS TO THEM BUT THIS KID???? IT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

They saved my life, they speak out about mental health, I'VE SPOKEN TO THEM AND THEY'RE SOME OF THE SWEETEST PEOPLE EVER. SHES FUCKING RUINING THE ONE THING I HAD, AND MY MOM KEEPS GIVING HER MORE OF MY MUSIC AND NOW MORE OF IT IS GETTING RUINED!!!!! I WANT TO CLAW MY FUCKING TATTOO OFF NOW BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT

I do not

Fucking lay in bed crying and having panic attacks, HAVING NIGHTMARES DAY AFTER FUCKING DAY BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH AND IS ALWAYS MADE OUT TO BE MADE INTO A FUCKING JOKE.

I HATE THIS FUCKING KID. I HATE THIS FUCKING FAMILY SO MUCH. SHE KEEPS FUCKING SINGING CITIZEN SOLDIER SONGS AND BRAGGING ABOUT BEING DEPRESSED BUT HAS DONE EVERYTHING SHE FUCKING CAN TO RUIN MY LIFE

"oh, but she's just a kid-" SHE ADMITS IT. SHE ADMITS IT ALL THE TIME TO ME. SHE'S TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF AND CONFIRMED THAT SHE KNEW WHAT IT MEANT. SHE TELLS ME SHE HATES ME. SHE TELLS ME SHE LIES TO GET ME YELLED AT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME CRY. SHE'LL SIT HERE AND WATCH ME FUCKING BREAK DOWN AND FUCKING INSTIGATE SHIT. WHEN I FINALLY CRACKED AND TOLD MY MOM I WAS SUICIDAL, SHE FUCKING CHIMED IN TO START BULLYING ME TO THE POINT MY MOM HAD TO SHUT HER DOWN!!!!

one day

I'm gonna fucking leave.

I'm gonna fucking leave this house and go lay in the middle of the fucking road in the dead of night so that I can get fucking ran over and die

I cant

Keep living like this

I fucking can't, I keep fucking trying but I fucking can't. Why do I do everything possible to take care of everyone, to the point that on MY birthday, on the ONE DAY A YEAR THATS FOR ME, I HAD TO TALK MY MOM OUT OF SUICIDE. I WAS THE ONE BEING YELLED AT. I HAD TO GET A GROWN ASS WOMAN TO STOP ASKING ME FOR A KNIFE SO SHE COULD KILL HERSELF IN FRONT OF ME. I WAS THE ONE THAT MY SISTER GLARED AT WITH HATRED WHEN I TRIED TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION. I WAS THE ONE MY DAD YELLED AT BECAUSE HE WAS MAD AT MY MOM FOR LEAVING. BUT NO. I'M THE FUCK UP.

God I think I gave myself a concussion, it hurts. It hurts so bad and I need to throw up. And what's worse? This fucking kid watched me beat my head in and I heard her just...make such a disgusted noise and go back to telling her friends on fortnite that she's so depressed and bragging about it and saying it's SO fun...

My bulimia has already come back, and y'know what. Fuck it. I'm done. I'm fucking done trying to hide everything so that THEY'RE happy. So that THEY don't get their panties in a twist over me fucking struggling. If I get the urge to purge, I'll fucking purge. If I get the urge to fucking cut my thighs open, then so fucking be it. I'm done. I'm fucking done. "You need to put yourself first!" I FUCKING TRIED. YOU GOT MAD AT ME. YOU YELLED AT ME. YOU YELLED AT AND BERATED ME, SO WHY SHOULD I CARE??? HUH?? TELL ME??

I'm tired. I don't. Have people to talk to. No one to fucking help me, and I can't blame them. My best friend has bigger things to worry about other than me being a fucking baby. I abandoned the few other people I still talked to because I couldn't handle it anymore. The one server that I was finally feeling safe enough to talk in might be shut down soon because it's stressing the band out from issues that keep happening. I'm fucking. Alone. And I'm tired.

I have until October. After that, Idk. We'll see. But October is so....so far away. It's gonna be hard. Idk if I can do it but I'll try I guess.

- 🪡🎶

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