#it hurts a lot and idk if they will ever reconcile or if wanderer even WANTS to

[kazeokami]

What even was a mother, anyhow? He knew what it was, in concept; had seen them clasping the hands of their children as they happily walked through the streets and had felt his heart constrict at the sight.

That should have been him. Had all been well, it would have been him, clasping Ei's hand in his and skipping along without a care in the world and feeling completely enveloped in her love. But fate was cruel and unforgiving and she'd gotten rid of him because he was weak- she could try to hide behind her excuses of giving him free will and not wanting to interfere with his fate; he wasn't stupid. Ei didn't love him, and it made him angrier she couldn't just outright say that instead of dancing around the truth.

He hated her. Hated her for never being there when she needed him, for seeing his tears as incompletion, for her hundreds of years of silence. He'd gone and raised hell in her - his, ...THEIR home. Inazuma was their home..... he'd tried to claw it down with his bare hands, and she STILL did nothing. Why?? Was he not worth her attention?? Did she care that little? It didn't matter. He would be better. He would tear down the gods and the world with his hands and then rebuild it and reshape it, and it would be better. HE would be better than she had ever been. That'd show her. That'd show her.

He hates her so much.

But he misses her, too.

...can you miss someone you never knew? Can you mourn the loss of one who has not died?? Maybe. Maybe so. He wants her to take him in her arms and tell him she's proud of him, that he is her son, and nothing will ever change that; but she won't, she won't, because he will not allow himself to be that vulnerable. She doesn't deserve it. But god, he misses her - thinks about what could have been, if things were better.

He..wants her to tell him "I love you". To kiss his forehead and gently wipe away his tears and tell him everything will be okay but she won't. She won't. It doesn't matter. He doesn't need her, he never did he-

..why does everything hurt??? Why is he crying? She's a horrible person and a horrible mother and - ... and despite that, he misses her, though he clings to his hatred like it keeps him alive (maybe it does. maybe it DOES flow through his veins like blood and propel him forward). He wants his mother and he hates the fact that he does: he feels weak, hollow (ha. fitting), and he wants to stop feeling he wants to stop feeling his chest is hurting and he grips it with clenched hands, willing the pain to stop.

It does not.

Maybe it never would.

Love hurts. Love hurts.

He would like to stop hurting.

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

Manwë and Melkor Headcanons Part 1

Ah, these two have always had a special place in my Tolkien-loving heart. Typically we associate the concept "two halves of a whole" with romantic partners, but I think it's the perfect statement for Manwë and Melkor in this case. I don't ship these two (Manwë x Varda is probably my Silmarillion OTP), but their relationship, in my opinion, is beautifully tragic and I had to get these Manwë & Melkor emotions out. 

So here we go.

Note: I apologize that there is quite a lot of Varda here as well (though this will not be a Melkor x Varda post by any means). Even if Melkor's feelings towards her weren't romantic/sexual, I still think her presence had some part in driving the wedge between these two (though that was the last thing she would have wanted imo).

Double Note (or something): I ended up splitting this into two parts because it turned out way longer than I intended. I just took off with these two XD The headcanons went from a few sentences to full-blown paragraphs. Tbh I think I went a little overboard; you might actually get some Manwë/Melkor vibes from this one. I’m currently not sure when the second part will be out. It probably won’t be as long this one, though.

Headcanons

1. Manwë and Melkor came into existence at the very same moment in time, the first two of the Ainur created by Eru. When they were snapped (blinked? activated? idk) into existence, the first thing they were aware of was each other. Then they both realized the presence of Eru, and loved Him as their father.

2. For a while, Manwë and Melkor only spent time with each other and of course, Eru. It wasn’t like they were avoiding any other interaction; they were simply the only two beings around. 

3. The way I imagine these two, they didn't have older brother-younger brother. They were simply brothers (or twins, if you will). 

4. Manwë was the better singer of the two, but Melkor didn’t mind. He was proud of Manwë's talent. Melkor had more of a passion to learn about and experiment with his own powers, though, while Manwë was content to take it slow. 

5. They both enjoyed hearing each other sing and would sometimes sing together, in duets or separately, comparing notes (figuratively speaking), critiquing, and complimenting each other's ability.

6. Manwë and Melkor were prone to witty banter. They liked their playful verbal sparring and no feelings were hurt. At the end of their mock-arguing, they'd laugh together. Melkor was also keen to mock-insult his brother, but he was also very protective of Manwë. From the beginning Melkor felt that Manwë was always more idealistic than he was; he was a bit jaded from the start and wanted to protect what he perceived as naivety in his brother.

7. They rarely got into serious disagreements. If they did it would more often than not be Melkor's fault (either by insensitivity, stubbornness, or pride). During these times they'd separate and laze about by themselves, but it never lasted very long. They'd always apologize (Manwë first, mostly) and reconcile. 

8. Melkor showed a few signs of being rebellious towards Eru in the beginning - just innocent comments that he didn't think much of. To him, what he said sounded like a good idea. He didn't mean any malice towards Eru - whom he loved as his father - he was just speaking his mind, but that mind would wander into some questionable places. Manwë wasn't alarmed. He would chastise his brother a little if Melkor went too far, but Manwë thought Melkor was just thinking out loud, so to speak. His faith in his brother was too strong for him to even imagine that Melkor would really rebel. They were brothers, right? Two halves of a whole, right? And they both loved their Father. 

9. Both Manwë and Melkor remember these early days as the simplest time of their existence. There was no one but themselves, and both of them think back to these times a lot. Melkor knows those days will never return; the path he chose prevented that from being a possibility. Manwë knows those days will never return, too; he is King of Arda now and responsible for stopping Morgoth. 

10. The first Ainur who the two brothers met that wasn't each other was Varda. The brothers were drifting through the Timeless Halls when they came across Varda, who was experimenting with the creation of the stars (she hadn't created them yet, but she was testing her powers). 

11. Both Manwë and Melkor were fascinated. They'd never met the other gender; before Varda, they only knew each other and Eru. It also intrigued them that in Varda's face, the light of Eru shone, a trait unique to her. Before long, the three of them hit it off. 

12. Manwë and Melkor agreed that Varda has the best singing voice among the Ainur. They were a harmonious trio for the longest time. When Manwë and Melkor argued and had their silent treatment stage with each other, Varda would talk to each of them individually and get their point of view. Then she'd explain to the other what his brother thought of the situation. Thanks to her peacemaking abilities, they would reconcile faster. Despite how close the triad got, Varda left Manwë and Melkor alone at times; especially when she had talked to both of them after they argued. She leaves it up to them to actually reconcile. In her opinion, they should still be the ones to ultimately see the issue eye-to-eye, since they're brothers.

13. Varda and Manwë's dynamics vs. Varda and Melkor's dynamics? Let us see. Varda and Manwë's initial relationship was that of harmonious best friends. They poked fun at each other, explored their powers together, sang together (I have so many songs in my head that I can imagine these two doing a duet with, btw), and they encouraged each other when the other was feeling down. They got on very well. Varda and Melkor were more like siblings who didn't get along but still cared very much. Varda would mildly scold Melkor for his pride or his insensitivity, and Melkor would complain that it wasn't her business. At the end of the day though, they appreciated each other very much. Whenever Varda helped Melkor and Manwë reconcile, Melkor would always be genuinely grateful, and Varda would be happy to help, not just for Manwë's sake, but for Melkor's as well. 

14. Melkor didn't show it and didn't even realize it at first, but he's possessive of his brother. Since the two of them were together since the very beginning, the thought of being the second closest to Manwë rubbed him the wrong way, especially as they started meeting other Ainur. Melkor tried to ignore his misgivings, but he sometimes let them subtly slip. Though not all the time, Manwë would notice and reassure Melkor that whoever he becomes friends with in the future, Melkor is his one and only brother and he can never be second best.

15. Melkor was fairly content with Manwë's assurances - until Manwë and Varda fell in love and were married. Suddenly, when the three of them were together, Melkor would remember that Manwë and Varda are now in a place that he can't be. They're in love, for Eru's sake, and (romantic) love is such a powerful and all-encompassing emotion; how could he possibly hope to maintain his place in Manwë's heart? In Melkor's mind, he had been bumped down to second best. At first, he denied his emotions and even felt guilty for thinking such things, for Manwë and for Varda. They were both so important to him, and he told himself that he ought to be happy for them; that he was happy for them.

15.5. Melkor was still filled with awe and happiness during Manwë and Varda's wedding, however. To this day he considers it one of the most beautiful sights he's ever seen. I’ve adopted @nyarnamaitar ‘s headcanon that weddings among the Ainur are something like two beings of light interweaving their fëas, and this sight put Melkor at awe. After the event, Melkor gave them both a hearty congratulations, ignoring his negative feelings (and becoming furious at himself in private). 

16. When Melkor hid/ignored his insecurity, Manwë didn't notice. In Manwë's mind, romantic and platonic love were completely different things and he could balance his platonic love for his brother with his romantic love for Varda. He saw no need to choose between them; in fact, Manwë never really even considered it a "choice" that could - or should - be made. They were both so dear to him. To Manwë, that was more than enough.

17. Eventually, though, Manwë and Melkor drifted apart. Melkor was the first one to start building the distance; he unwittingly put up a wall between himself and his brother (and Varda), partially because he didn't want to see how much Varda and Manwë loved each other, and how, in his eyes, Manwë forgot all about him when he was with Varda, partially because he felt ridiculous and ashamed of his building resentment and didn't want Manwë and Varda noticing. When Manwë and/or Varda tried to approach him about it he brushed them off. By the time Melkor realized what he was doing, the gap between the brothers had grown, and neither brother had the courage to try to make amends anymore. Manwë was more willing, but with continuous rejections from Melkor his hope for reconciliation decreased. He thought that maybe Melkor just needed space. Then he thought that maybe Melkor was alright by himself, that his brother preferred being alone; that Melkor was purposely cutting him off. Varda tried to intervene, but for once, her diplomatic skills failed to bridge the gap between the two brothers. Melkor didn't want to try - he was still afraid of seeing Manwë "forgetting about him" (I use quotations, of course, because this was all in Melkor's head, (Manwë hadn’t forgotten him in the slightest), and afraid of Manwë seeing his increasing bitterness. Of course, his reticence didn't help Manwë, either.

18. It was at this point that Varda began to truly see the dark potential in Melkor. She would sometimes see him hovering about by himself, seemingly deep in thought. Something about that brooding look made her wary of him. It made her feel guilty, because it wasn't anything he said or did...Varda simply could not ignore the unease that gnawed at her. (If you can't tell, I have never liked the perception that Varda acted like a bitch to Melkor.)

19. Without Manwë, Melkor had nothing much to do. He wasn't particularly close with any of the other Ainur, although he spoke to Mairon, Aulë's apprentice, sometimes, and enjoyed it. Still, Mairon was no Manwë, and Melkor began to turn to his thoughts for company. Consequently, those rebellious notions that Manwë, and later Varda as well, had been keeping at bay, began to spring back full force (this was what Varda noticed and began to become wary of). Still, Melkor had no evil intentions. He was just thinking, reveling in his thinking, and imagining what could be. He still loved Eru, his Father, he still loved Manwë, his brother, and he still cared about Varda, who was like a sister to him, despite any resentment he had towards her.

20. The thought that he might be able to create appealed to Melkor, especially because he was really quite lonely during this time. He thought he could create something - someone - that would never leave him and would always treasure him first above all things. It was during this time that he began to grow resentful towards Manwë as well. Why, he wondered, was his brother leaving him? The way Melkor began to see it, Manwë wasn't trying to reconnect, so perhaps his brother didn't need him after all. Perhaps he was content to let Melkor fade by himself. At first, Melkor was horrified at himself for thinking such things, but he began to believe it as time passed and their estrangement was growing increasingly longer. Eventually, partially to spite Manwë (though it was unconscious and Melkor didn't recognize this desire within himself at the time) and partially from the desire to create, Melkor began searching for the Flame Imperishable.

21. As he searched with no success for the Flame Imperishable, Melkor began to wonder something else: why was it only Eru that could create life and realities? Why not he, Melkor, as well? What was Eru's motivation for keeping the power of creation to himself? Melkor grew suspicious, and his suspicions were only given more opportunity to take root because of his solitary existence. They were also inflamed by his constant failure to find what he was searching for. Despite his anger, his lack of success only heightened his determination to find the Flame, leading him to become extremely withdrawn from the other Ainur.

22. Seeing his brother relentlessly working for something made up Manwë's mind on the issue (with much sadness, I might add); he decided that he was right, Melkor didn't need him anymore and felt better on his own. To avoid showing his sorrow at this prospect, Manwë began to ignore his bond with his brother, thinking that he might accidentally interfere with Melkor's work if he let him know how dejected he was that Melkor "didn't need him anymore". Feeling Manwë deliberately shying away from their connection, Melkor's mind was made up as well: Manwë had left him. This "realization" caused Melkor's restrained resentment towards his brother to burst, which in turn led him to throw himself deeper into being able to create something of his own that would never leave him "as Manwë had". At this point, Melkor was also full of bitterness and jealousy towards Varda as well; in his mind, she had been able to give Manwë something that he couldn't, and that infuriated him. 

23. Melkor was hellbent on claiming the Flame Imperishable and creating something of his own, and during his time relentlessly searching for it, his pride increased as well as he imagined what he could make. It was these thoughts that caused Discord in the Great Music, and Eru rebuked Melkor in front of all of the Ainur. Manwë was watching as well, and while he felt sympathetic towards his brother for getting scolded, he had no idea the cause of Melkor's Discord. He didn't think much of it, either; Melkor was always a little rebellious in his thinking, and Manwë thought his brother was just projecting those thoughts too much into the music. He did feel at the time that Melkor had gone too far and thought Eru was right to scold him, but he certainly never imagined what was really going through Melkor’s head. Manwë also still believed that Melkor wished to be alone; therefore, he barely approached him. The last thing Manwë wanted was to let Melkor know how much he missed their close relationship. After all, he thought Melkor was happier alone, and if his brother was happy, Manwë didn't want to be the one to ruin that. He did attempt to give Melkor a little greeting, but Melkor brushed him off coolly. His belief that Melkor preferred being alone reinforced, Manwë sorrowfully left him alone and rejoined Varda. Unbeknownst to him, Melkor had watched him returning to his wife.

24. Varda, on the other hand, instantly recognized that something within Melkor had changed for the worse. She saw pride, bitterness, and loneliness inside Melkor, which fueled his increasingly rebellious actions and mindset, but she still cared about Melkor, not wanting to believe he could really become so terrible, and was also concerned as to what an effect on Manwë her worries would have. Therefore, she didn't say anything yet, but Varda could never see Melkor the same again. If she was cautious of him before, she was full-on suspicious now. 

25. Melkor, meanwhile, was conflicted. Part of him wished he could still reconcile with Manwë and was furious at himself for deflecting a potential conversation, but seeing his brother returning to Varda's side without even trying to lengthen their interaction angered him all over again. Manwë was not even trying to go back to how they once were, and Eru - he "realized" in that moment that Eru had let Manwë slip away from him and was now rebuking and preventing him from doing what he wanted: create and have someone to be by his side. 

26. It didn't help Melkor's resentment towards Manwë when his brother stopped him from claiming the Field of Arda as his own. Manwë, meanwhile, had no ill intentions whatsoever. He had always spoken his mind to his brother when they were younger, and thought this would be no different. In Manwë's eyes, he was only explaining his point of view and why he believed the other Valar deserved their share as well. In Melkor's eyes, however, Manwë's words were yet another sign that his brother didn't need him anymore, didn't care to rekindle their bond anymore, if he ever had. His bitterness was fed when the Valar who descended to Arda declared Manwë as their lord. It seemed to him that no one was taking his side: not the other Valar, not Eru, his Father, and not even Manwë, his own brother. He was hurt and humiliated.

27. However, Manwë wasn't blind or stupid. He began to suspect the change in Melkor after his brother so eagerly claimed the Field of Arda for himself, with absolutely no consideration for the hard work of the other Valar. His brother had become more insensitive, more inconsiderate, and much more prideful. But more than that, Manwë saw the anger in Melkor's eyes when he  disagreed with him, and it was so potent and full of rancor that it startled Manwë. He began to realize that his brother might have changed far more than he had realized. 

28. Melkor decided that if Manwë was going to hurt him, he would hurt Manwë right back. It was this point that he began to truly go against the other Valar and Eru; anything they created, he would do his best to warp and tear down. It brought him sick satisfaction; if he couldn't create, if he couldn't have something of his own making that never leave him, something that he could call his own, he would try his hardest to prevent the other Valar from obtaining such things as well. 

29. When Melkor went fully into rebellion, Manwë was...stunned. He was with Varda in their court in Taniquetil and hearing about Melkor's first destruction of the Valar's works, Manwë just sank down onto the ground, his legs no longer supporting him. He suspected, Eru help him, he'd suspected and then hated himself for it, but to hear that his brother had truly...he couldn’t believe it was true. The reality would not sink in. He felt only the white emptiness of shock. Then the bleakness of despair sank in. His brother was now an enemy.

30. At first, Manwë was utterly inconsolable. He wouldn't speak to anyone - Varda included. When she walked by his chambers or stopped to check on him she could only either hear silence or the sound of soft sobs. 

31. Manwë blamed himself. During his period of withdrawal from the world, he would think back to the old days with Melkor, when it was only the two of them and they'd been sure, so very sure, that nothing in the cosmos could ever tear them apart. He thought of their singing to each other, their verbal play-fights, their reconciliations after arguments. He thought of the moment that Melkor had started to drift away and cursed himself over and over for not mending their relationship when he had the chance. Why didn't I stop him? he wondered. Why couldn't I see how torn my own brother was? In Manwë’s eyes, he failed Melkor. He was a terrible excuse for a brother. 

32. Melkor's feelings were mixed. On one hand, he felt twisted gratification that he'd hurt Manwë the same way Manwë hurt him. You left me first, brother, and now I've returned the favor. How does that make you feel? At the same time, Melkor cried. He cried because he had betrayed his brother, the only being that he had known every moment and millisecond of his existence. He cried because he knew he'd hurt Manwë, and some part of him felt so terrible for it. He cried because he had abandoned his brother, and who would protect Manwë now, his noble, magnanimous brother? He cried because in revealing his enmity towards the Valar, he had destroyed all chance of returning to their simple, peaceful days. Forever. 

Whew! And that is Part 1 finished. This went from making general headcanon speculations to full-on inserting excerpts from a nonexistent Manwë and Melkor story. 

I admit, this set of headcanons sounds pretty damn borderline Manwë/Melkor. I don’t actually ship them because, as I said, my Silmarillion OTP is Manwë/Varda. Still, I think Manwë and Melkor have such a tragic past between them, that they both loved each other very, very deeply and without reservation. I will definitely say that I made their story seem a little needlessly angsty here, but hey -

- you do you, I do me. 

Thanks for reading my long and shitty take on Manwë and Melkor.

Bold of me to assume that anyone read it at all though

[ramjam]

life is strange on the ask meme

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Favorite Character: Chloe Price… I love Max a lot too, she’s a dweeb.

Second Favorite Character: Victoria…!!!

Least Favorite Character: Umm… I could say Nathan, but I like Nathan as a character, and what his character writing has to say! I just don’t like him as a person, obviously. But I dislike Mark way more as a person, lmfao. He isn’t even kind of sympathetic. So, I can only say Mark.

The Character I’m Most Like: Chloe…

Favorite Pairing: Ahhhh!! Chloe/Max, of course. But Chloe/Rachel, Max/Kate, and Max/Victoria are all so damn good too…!!

Least Favorite Pairing: Um… Nathan/Anyone, or I guess… Nathan/Any-of-The-People-He-Hurt-or-Tried-to-Hurt. I’ve also seen shit like… Mark/His Students, which is… uh. Bad. I don’t exactly hate Max/Warren, since there isn’t technically anything wrong with it– but the way it was written is bad. Like… idk. Max seems put off and outright says she’s put off by his advances no matter how you play. It feels very forced… like it was just to give straight fans an option? I wish it was either handled more consistently, or wasn’t handled *at all.* It generally seems outta place, too. Idk. And I don’t like Victoria/Kate when it’s being interpreted within the story as its happened. Like, “the bully bullies the other person because they like them!!” kinda bullshit. I don’t hate the idea of them reconciling and going wherever, since Kate herself (if she lives) says she believes in Victoria’s redemption (where she doesn’t believe in Nathan’s, so I think that says a lot about potential dynamic and Victoria as a person, since Kate seems to have standards for her forgiveness.) I just don’t like… the *bullying itself* or their interactions pre-suicide (since they were all negative) being used as leverage for them. It’s much different in context than Max/Victoria, ya know?

Favorite Moment: The pool scene is great… so is the scene right after Max comes back from the “William Lives” reality and she embraces Chloe. I love the scene at the end of episode five where Max is walking through this like… Chloe/Max museum, and we go through all their moments for the final time… I cried so much the first time I played that part. I also like the ending cinematic for the Sacrifice ending, because I hate myself and love crying. Oh! And the VERY FIRST scene in the game (classroom, hallway wandering, etc) is one of my fave game introductions ever. It’s so atmospheric.

Rating out of 10: 8/10. What it does right, it does fantastic. It means a lot to me.