#it has been a while since i've formally written anything so it wouldn't be anything fancy but like

[bio-hazard]

the fact that i could see each of the chuckle boys as like.. hallmark christmas love interests is so silly to me

and idk if there's anyone out there who knows these movies well, we don't have cable in my house so i've only seen a small handful so if im wrong shhh no im not + also this was written real late so if u see mistakes nuh uh

Ted is the teasing and kind, handsome guy that can't help but show up at all the right places to poke fun at you. He's a friend of your parents who sing his praises mentioning that he's been such a help while you've been away, and he's happy to meet you, saying he's heard much about you from your parents and takes that opportunity to tease but he's also the kind to notice your jacket isn't quite keeping you warm and gives you his scarf, telling him to keep it cause you look better in it than him anyways.

Schlatt is the grew up hotter than you were expecting kind of guy, who has a shocking soft spot for christmas despite how he teased and tormented you as kids. He acts a bit aloof around you at first until he finds out you aren't very fond of Christmas and takes it upon himself to change your mind, bringing you hot chocolate and tricking you into skating under the lights with him and guiding you along the ice because it's been so long since you last went skating, he leads you on this tour around the town showing off all the decorations on the houses only to find yourselves in the big decorated town square under the mistletoe and he's so smug and says he has no idea how that got there but... tradition is tradition after all

Charlie is the childhood neighbour and friend who you slowly grew away from but is glowing to see you and invite you along and open up all these old feelings for him along the way. Everything is a trip down memory lane and your parents can't help but laugh fondly as you two immediately go back to stealing cookies and sneaking onto the roof to sit together and watch the stars, starting snowball fights and smearing flour and icing on each other as you bake. Like the most cutesy cliche things like throwing snow in the air to make it sprinkle down around you or making snow angels. Then finally confessing to each other you both had feelings "before everything" during the annual christmas dance and while he was too scared to when you were younger, he invites you to dance and the two of you are at the centre of the room as the night progresses, never once letting go of each other.

[whipped-for-kpop-fics]

When Paths Diverge - Y.JH

💔Who; Yoon Jeonghan x female reader 💔What; Angst. Established relationship. Break up. Vampires. 💔Wordcount; 2.2k 💔Warnings; Honestly, Jeonghan is not exactly a good person. Though it's not really explored in this. Reader realises that their relationship is not healthy and stands up for herself! References to turning/loss of humanity but no actual descriptions of that. I don't think there's actually anything specific to warn about, but let me know if I'm wrong.

Summary; After decades together, after everything you've been through, you can't believe that this is all it takes for the rose-tinted glasses to slip from your eyes and allow you to see the truth of Yoon Jeonghan, the man you thought you would spend eternity with.

-2024 Masterlist-

AN- I have no idea where this whole idea came from, it just hit me and it was supposed to be more of a quick flashback scene in a fic about them meeting in the future but instead this happened. It's very different to anything I've written in a long time so I hope it's okay. Big thank you to @kwanisms for helping me with the header by supplying Jeonghan pics! 💖

"You are not the person I fell in love with anymore." It's said so simply, so effortlessly, like he's rehearsed those words a thousand times in front of the mirror. Perhaps he has. You wouldn't put it past Jeonghan and his neverending need to be seen as nothing short of perfection. "You are nothing like the woman I fell in love with those years ago."

"You can't seriously be saying that." You respond disbelievingly.

"I am. You have changed, my dear, and not for the better."

"Of course, I've changed, Jeonghan! It's been decades since we met and you turned me in that time! Of course, I've changed!"

"I have not."

"Maybe that's the problem, Jeonghan. Your inability to make even the slightest changes to yourself and expect the world to bend and mould around the shape of you." You scoff and shake your head while getting up from the couch. He remains seated in the same formal upright posture he always does. Unchanged in all his centuries of life. You had given up your humanity for him, left everything behind for him, yet he can't even relax his posture even once. It isn't the first time you've noticed it but it is the first time you've ever spoken it aloud, spurred on by his own hurtful words. "Humans are supposed to change as we grow, Jeonghan."

"We are not human any longer. I cannot even remember how it feels to be human. Maybe that is the cause of our differences, that you can still recall those memories." He too gets up and straightens his already neat shirt as his always-so-level gaze meets your upset one.

While it usually settles you to see him so calm regardless of circumstance, always so in control and the voice of reason, now it just hurts. Even now, during what your entire being knows is the end of your decades-long romance, Jeonghan's expression shows no sign of feeling, well… anything.

Shortly, you try to recall a time when he let his truth show beside the gentle little smiles he's treated you to over the years, yet you can't recall a single memory. You don't know how you've never realised before how much that hurts.

Suddenly, you're struck with the thought that perhaps, you never truly knew Yoon Jeonghan. You had thought that you were his exception, the only person he allowed to see the man behind the mask, yet now you're realising that he has kept even you at arm's length even when you were wrapped up in them and tucked safely against his chest. You knew, still know, that he cares for you in his own way. You're just now realising that it's not enough and never was.

"Did you think I would become emotionless like you these decades? Is that why you agreed to turn me in the first place? To remove my physical humanity and hope the rest would follow?" Your heart breaks a little more when he just stares at you. There may be no sign of a response from him but Jeonghan is quick-witted and always has a retort, has never once missed the chance to correct someone. His lack of answer is louder than his words could ever be. "Right." You take a deep steadying breath, making his gaze dart down shortly to your expanding chest before he looks back at you.

You used to think he found your quirk of taking unneeded breaths amusing, or perhaps cute, but now you know the truth; he doesn't look at your chest fond of the sign of the human habit remaining. But in disdain. He's been waiting for you to drop all your links to humanity yet you refuse. Humanity may not be a very elegant species and full of flaws, but as a whole, they're good, have morals and work hard to stick to them. But vampires? Well, after so long living, morals seem to become a rather grey area for them so you've seen. You always thought Jeonghan was a rare exception to that, but you know you've overlooked more than you should've in the name of love. Not in his actions towards you but to other humans. He's always put himself above humans and so long as you continue to keep your little shreds of humanity in your chest, he'll always see himself as above you too.

"I guess I'll pack up and leave." You declare, already walking to your shared bedroom. You don't stop to look around it, take it in for one last time. You already know what you'll see. Signs of the both of you, old mixed with new, him and you. A clear distinction you had stubbornly refused to see for the truth of what is it, two separates that can't make a whole. Not when your edges have been formed in your humanity and the weaker points smoothed over by Jeonghan's hands to fit against his own edges, yet you still have too many sharp points he could never flatten out. You hadn't even realised he was trying to.

"Just like that?" He questions, following you smoothly and watching as you pull out the large case from under the bed, which usually only shows up when he takes the pair of you away on an expensive luxurious holiday somewhere cold in summer. To escape the sun blistering the sensitive vampiric skin covering your bodies. You had never seen him blister and had never experienced it yourself either as Jeonghan has always swept you both away at the first sign of the sun's heat but you trusted his words entirely. Trusted him.

It won't be until the coming summer that you realise that he hadn't been entirely truthful, yes a vampire's skin is much more sensitive to the sun's rays, but it's much less instantaneous than he had made out. The newfound knowledge will make you wonder what else he hadn't been honest about, and send you on a task to relearn everything you know about vampirism, and the world in general.

But now.

"Are you expecting me to grovel and beg for you to change your mind and allow me to remain by your side?" You huff, shoving items into the case, not everything you own because frankly, you don't care for all the silks and jewels. That's all Jeonghan, wanting you both to always be donned in the best money can buy. "Since when have I begged for anything, Jeonghan?"

"Never."

"Then I haven't changed as you claim."

"And you will not?" It's the first time he's outright about his wants here. It makes you pause your harsh packing to look over at him incredulously. "You said that you love me, you tell me every day, my dear, yet you will not even try to tempt me to open my arms again with an offer of change?"

"You think I am the one who should change here? Jeonghan, I gave up my humanity for you, I gave up my family, my friends, my life, everything for you and you think I need to do more to prove my devotion to you?"

"Is that not what love is? Proving one's devotion?"

"Then where are your attempts to prove your own to me?" You point out. "Over the course of this conversation, I've come to the rather jarring and honestly heartbreaking realisation that you have not once ever changed for my sake. You've spent decades manipulating my very heart to your own whims yet you remain as stone-hearted as ever. Unmouldable. I wish I knew that when we met, that you truly are just the empty shell of a being that man accused you of being. Thinking about it, maybe I should've picked him that night."

"That man is a vile excuse for a vampire."

"Is he?" You think of the beautiful tall man from all those decades ago. He hadn't seemed very vampiric to you at the time and even less so now that you think back on it. He seemed more, human. More like you. "I should've taken his hand and let him save me from you."

"Save you?" Jeonghan repeats softly. The first sign in this ordeal that he isn't entirely apathetic. "You have never needed saving from me, I have never done a thing to hurt you, nor will I."

"Not physically at least."

"There is no other way that matters."

"The fact you can say that and truly mean it, is perhaps the scariest I've ever seen you, Jeonghan."

"I do not understand."

"And that makes it worse." You turn and get back to your packing. "But at least I finally know you're capable of admitting to weakness."

"You are my weakness." That makes you pause again, though you don't turn to him. "I do not want you to leave."

"I don't want to either, not really, but I can't stay if nothing will change, if you won't change, Jeonghan. I deserve more than that. You always say that I deserve the best, that you'd give me every star in the sky if I wanted them to hold in my hands, but you won't even change your own centuries-old, outdated habits and thoughts for me." You pack slower this time, not because you're trying to put it off, you know your departure from the home you can no longer call your own is inevitable. You're moving slower because it's finally starting to catch up with you and bloom saltwater in your eyes. You're trying to stop it from falling any faster and hoping your own movements will slow the descent at least until you are out of the door. It will only hurt worse to be the only one crying again when he should be crying with you. But you know he won't. He never has.

"I do not know if I can do that, my love."

"Then I can't stay. If you ever manage, I'm sure you will find a way to let me know."

"You really are leaving? With no intention of seeing me again?"

"Not unless you change. I can't be the only one trying to be a better version of myself for the other." You shove a final jumper into the case and zip it up. You don't really have anything sentimental to keep, it all reminds you of Jeonghan and when he had turned you, he convinced you to let go of all reminders of your past as it would only hurt too much. You had believed him at the time, had full faith and hadn't taken a single memento of your family or human life. Though now you just think he was trying to make you lose all ties to your humanity to change you at your core, not to protect your delicate heart.

"Where will you go?" He asks, stopping you from leaving the bedroom by standing in the doorway and putting a hand on your arm. You brush him off though don't look at him, you can't.

If you did, you would've seen the pain starting to seep into his eyes.

"A hotel, I have enough money to do that until I decide where to make a home for myself."

"You will not go far, will you? I cannot bear the thought of such a distance between us."

"So I should suffer for you instead?"

"No."

"Then let me go without a fuss, you owe me that much at least."

Jeonghan is quiet for long enough that you almost lift your lowered damp gaze to look at him, yet he speaks just in time to prevent you from doing so. He hadn't known that you were about to look up and see real emotion in his eyes for the first time, that you would've seen his heartbreak and immediately reconsidered leaving. If he had known, he would've stayed quiet longer and let you see him for the first time. But he didn't know, so he opened his mouth and spoke quietly. "I owe you a lot more, I am starting to understand that now." He admits. "I will not stop you again, just know that I will be here waiting for you to come back. I shall do everything I can to change myself but this is our home, my love, and it will remain this way ready to welcome you back when I discover out how to prove myself to you. You can change it however you like when you return, but until then, it shall remain this way."

"Don't do that." You frown. "I won't want to return to this."

"I thought you love our home?"

"I do now, but I won't then. To find it unchanged will just remind me of the past. Let it change with you, reflect you and if you find me one day and bring me back, I can add pieces of me back into it again."

"If that is what you want." You nod and adjust your grip on your case. "I love you, I wish it was enough."

"Me too, Jeonghan." Your lips press together tightly to prevent more words from spilling from them in amongst the sobs threatening to bubble out into the thick air between you, and you walk past him the second he steps aside.

The front door of the house is barely closed behind you before the tears start to flow. You stop to take a shuddering wet gasp before rushing to your car to throw the case into the back and drive.

You don't know where you're going, you don't know what will happen but you hope with everything in you that one day, you'll find yourself back on the same path as Jeonghan and meet a man changed for the better.

A/N- Don't be shy to let me know what you think! As I said in my author note at the top, I don't really write stuff like this, all serious angsty type things but if I know people like it, I will try to write more in the future!

[silusvesuius]

unleashing the same hellscape i did on my notes app here it's my nelvas thinking dump i wrote just for fun and to keep track of what i view them as up 2 this point. Might change my mind on it later on it has a lot of things written in brackets for no reason . it's like ~2500 words long which isn't much but i think i said everything i've had in my mind for now read it for fun if you like to have fun leik me :) And talvas :) And nelothxP

retyping what i said in the tags of those last text posts and rearranging those thoughts a bit: in my train of thought that's been going steady since early 2024 i'm almost certain that neloth might see talvas as the epitome of being morally Clean (before that changes because of neloth's influence over him) and generally pure as a person. pure not used in the Pervert way; neloth is just a veeery big fan of talvas having absolutely no backbone and being very docile when it comes to him. which is r expected traits 4 someone if they find themselves under neloth's thumb as an apprentice, but it being written that he isn't at all catty and defiant to his face is cute. all talvas manages to do is shit talk neloth to others and pray neloth doesn't find out he meant the things he said but also can’t help feeling bad about it, even though neloth doesn't and wouldn't care, if he found out. neloth is happy with being an obnoxious & disgusting person. truly.. him growing obsessed with talvas' docile and innocent nature doesn't necessarily have to add up to him wanting to Taint or Ruin him (and if it happens ((it does)) it's not done on purpose, neloth can't hold that much control and power of his actions in that specific department). he encounters difficulties when he realizes he actually wants that Elven Twink.. it's too far gone to fix anything after he's tampered with talvas' patience and stability, and even then he can't be honest with talvas about anything, because he still wants to hold a great deal of power over him (neloth essentials for survival).

Might be the type to just want talvas to magically(haha) think it's okay that his wizard master desires him and expect that energy right back without talvas actually acknowledging it because it'd make neloth feel insanely cringy and embarrassed.. humiliated.. EVEN. but that's just in a deep deep dark corner of his mind, he isn't stupid. when trying to gain 'access' to his apprentice ("*His* apprentice" is also kinda funny way of viewing his mind too. just cause talvas is working as an apprentice under him neloth probably already feels a concerning sense of ownership over him that makes him feel very good) he can't even make the signs of interest be apparent to talvas because he's insanely inept at being Soft and honest for obvious reasons. he can tell what possibly could make talvas warm up to him even after he treats him like shit for eons but there's no way he's bringing himself to do it (change is embarrassing, especially in their formal dynamic, and especially at his age). so it's a half-assed attempt (actually he's trying his hardest🙄) to try and make talvas be (at least) less afraid of him. not that talvas has any other place that we know of that he "Belongs" to, he just sticks with neloth regardless of anything. neloth watching him as he sleeps ensues . Guys what do i do to make my apprentice let me hit because all of the eye contact i do with him while gripping his arm or petting his knee isn't helping. 

if we were to go back to how that spark is ignited in neloth swamp of a heart, brain… idk, it has to be when he realizes talvas' capability of forgiveness and 'Sucking it up' instead of lashing out at neloth after .. anything, but perhaps physical abuse in particular. neloth a 100% has absolutely no problem putting his hands on anyone, especially someone he sees so often, such as talvas. not that talvas really annoys him (his clear and voiced obedience pleases neloth as anyone can tell), but he just doesn't see it as too much of a big deal. the physical mistreatment that happens once in a blue moon isn't intense enough to scare off talvas for sure anyways. neloth is a bitch so all he can so is smack him at the back of the head (talvas finds it very normal) and slap him if he's feeling festive (something talvas finds kinda extreme but not that it happens often. he sometimes feels like he deserves it, or that neloth is warranted to do as he pleases. he tosses around it being justified or pitying himself, though). May be possible that neloth would realize he Like Likes talvas once he slaps him, mayhaps, for the first time, but talvas' immediate reaction to being treated like that is just sadness mixed with feeling shame for tearing up/crying in front of someone he respects *bishoujo sparkles sfx*. talvas is a delicate soul so he can't hold warranted emotions like that for long, and even tho it's expected of him to be making eye contact w/ neloth in a setting like that, he wouldn't be able 2 bring himself to do it because looking at neloth would make him wanna burst out in tears like a weeeee baby. Booo hooo.. talvas is the 19th century (4th era) damsel that runs out of the ball in tears after no young cavalier invited her to dance. watch this bleed into the most awkward and silent week of neloth's entire life because talvas doesn't even really feel like speaking to him or looking at him, but neloth doesn't wanna brute force the usual respectful etiquette out of him cus he thinks that's just gonna make talvas hurl himself down on some rough rocks at the seashore. Good thing talvas is very spineless and forgiving (especially in relation to neloth… i mean.. who r YOU to not forgive him) so that might just last a day or two. the hurt always stays tho. neloth this is why talvas doesn't wanna smash you.. you might've made some conclusions about what elven twink you like but talvas is just even more scared of you now. was your Pervert awakening worth it. and even if we do backflips and jump thru the point where everything is too far gone for either of them to go back, dude is still too afraid to make out with his apprentice. Deserve. but why though because talvas wouldn't refuse. for what reason? we may never know

^^^ this makes me feel like i love seeing characters i reaaaalllly love (elenwen and talvas in this case) as enigmas in situations where they're confronted with something so ""Intimate"". elenwen's stance on this is final tho cause she's a grown ass woman and there's no way you could reshape her brain. ulfric left her mind plane in SHAMBLES. talvas has more right (in the literal sense) to be erratic or inconsistent with his actions. maybe he likes to be desired. Also i strongly believe that talvas has probably never been in love (for any reason rly but it's mostly him not having actual time for it + not seeing it as something that is important to him at that point in his life)… i want neloth to be his first experience with Love so that it ruin his view on it forever. can't get myself to say he'd be in love with neloth at any point though. From his standpoint it really should feel empowering and 'nice' that neloth wants him in many ways (ew).. cause that's a man with status.. power.. ability to do anything rly . talvas is in no condition to be playing mind games with him or anything tho so don't get that idea. he's not strong enough of a person to be Tricking anyone or to be Playing with anyone's feelings. neloth would be immune to that, too. neloth can just kinda tell talvas is too good and … UNTAINTED. talvas wants to see the best in everyone. too bad he genuinely detests you, neloth.. so: he doesn't actually love neloth but wouldn't be happy to see his tombstone either. SO (PART TWO): if you time it right he wouldn't be against getting Freakkkkyyyy with you okay?but no promises

even if @ some point talvas develops indistinct feelings towards neloth cause of neloth's own incessant weird-mild advances it wouldn't have to mean he just likes old men permanently now. actually it kinda does. i can sorta feel it rearranging his braincells and making him unable to normally interact with people in his age range. he probably already had a hard time talking to others in hopes of developing a friendship just cause he's timid but after neloth's nonstop abuse and Accidental romance mind games he morphs into a whole new type of guy. it's hard to notice at first but he'd probably just start to leech off of neloth's prissy and unbearable personality in a natural course of things + neloth is the only person he sees and talks to on the regular pretty much. < this can just be reworded as just the cycle of abuse and whatnot. if he notices an opening in the abilities and Smarts of another person, especially someone his age/younger, he will automatically see them as umm…stupid. and also insult your abilities to your face if he snaps. he strikes me as the type to be afraid to say what he really thinks (another consequence of being glued to neloth all the time when all talvas does is act like he totally respects anything he says) and gets scared if anything slips out his mouth but is proud in letting the "Truth" be known because he already figured out you're a lesser being than him. he's just cloning neloth's verbal abuse braincells though he would never put his hands on someone. his desire to be mean and see himself as superior stems from neloth always disparaging him obviously.. talvas 4 that reason is very self conscious of his abilities and doesn't rly think he's all that useful or talented. his self doubt then would play into how he doesn't know when to believe what others are saying to and about him.. i wanna imagine that talvas is very oblivious to neloth's weirdo status just cause he partly doesn't even want that thought to cross his mind. i bet everyone but him sees it and finds it gross😕 but nobody in the vicinity is strong enough to tell neloth that he should be ashamed LMFAO. if you would try and even hint to talvas that it's happening he'd never take you seriously and just get mad. he's protective of neloth's image more than neloth himself is; not that people knowing neloth has abnormal sodomistic inclinations toward his apprentice would make his public image worse than it already is (everyone already thinks he's weird so it's not shocking at all) but talvas still wouldn't wanna hear it cause he thinks it's just false. maybe he's just ashamed that he's being brought into the whole thing. also because he doesn't wanna face the reality EJI23JRIO32KJ Well talvas when neloth makes an actual move on you don't say that we didn't warn you.. we're all waiting till neloth's status as an obvious apprentice-pervert becomes obvious to you

even if he's willingly ignorant of the fact he still thinks of the 'accusations' a lot when he feels like it. and unknowingly begins feeling even more uncomfortable in neloth's presence. heart starts beating faster and everything. neloth could come up to him meters away and talvas would still cover his mouth in realization and be like "i knew it… the DB told me but i didn't wanna believe it …..😦 so you really do like young men … and you're in love with me ..😨" *Neloth wakes up from this fever dream drenched in sweat* < neloth doesn't want (obvi) talvas to react that way at any point because he himself would just get scared so they'd just be staring at each other wide eyed. but talvas jumping into his advances isn't what he wants either (that'll also scare him). neloth is still relying on talvas' politeness to let him do as he pleases. but it is impossible for talvas to let it slide without questioning anything regardless so🤷‍♀️ take your few Ls and move on. neloth just wants talvas to sit on his lap. wants to spoonfeed him soup. he's so romantic. he also wants to(sniper on rooftop blows my head to bits). neloth is actually a pretty touchy feely person when he's feeling Frisky (=deranged about talvas). I'm certain his favorite part of talvas' body is his legs. talvas has beautiful young man skipping leg day legs. so nothing special at all but neloth wants to touch them lol.. let your master wizard squeeze your calves and he might just be occupied enough like a kid playing with a fidget toy to not abuse you verbally for 3 seconds. as i said befoar neloth is unpleasant with his touch because he doesn't know how to be soft + doesn't even want it to necessarily feel very 'rewarding' as to not pamper talvas. petting talvas kinda turns into a nervous habit for himself and an instrument of some sort of Reassurance 4 talvas when he wants him to know he’s not mad, for example. non-vebal confirmation. talvas still finds it weird but thinks it’s a charm point too. neloth wouldn't even be against touching him familiarly in front of others but only in a "older male figure" ways ex. touching his knee or putting his hand at the back of his neck (talvas sees it as some sort of disciplinary tactic though). physical touch that matches neloth's age and is enough for it to be seen as not necessarily romantic / overtly weird. 

there'ssssss no saving talvas after such a powerful person gets his hands on him. any will to leave would leave HIM either out of fear or out of attachment and neloth wouldn't just let him go (Alive at least) since he knows the things he knows. if talvas were to escape i'm a Truther of him not feeling in place and wanting to go back cause it's the stability that he's used to. but tbh if he encounters neloth on accident anywhere he's gonna start running. I was drinking tea while writing this and started choking on it i just nearly died writing this are youhappy. anyways, nelvas is a never-ending abusive relationship that doesn’t even have High highs, all it has is low lows. neloth always mistreats talvas for any reason but is never genuinely kind from the heart or out of remorse. .. hmm……yeah. I forgot to type this back out from my posts tags > talvas might just start viewing neloth as fuck crazy and demented after he Finally notices at least one molecular sign of gay attention from him . like ‘Oh wow Master Neloth obviously doesn’t get any female attention or anything cus he’s a sick fuck why does he have to search for it from me Can varona take the hit for me 🥺 *sees her dead body being dragged by the DB* hmm i guess not well i’ll figure something out i guess’ (he doesn’t) also the dialogue talvas has with varona after he steals neloth’s book trying to conjure some bs up will always be so cute to me he’s so defensive and afraid of neloth finding out. Him trying to decipher neloth’s handwriting is cute TOO ik their 19th century love letters to each other would go crazy and make sense to anyone but each other but i’m not gonna talk about 19th century girl talvas x neloth rn it’s too much . what ever. i think i’m done thank you i should just go back to drawing them as grecian pottery red figures or smthj Fun stats for you 4 getting to the end: times the word ‘abuse’ is used: 6

[sincerely-sofie]

The finishing of this fanfic has left me with some pretty mixed emotions. On the one hand, I dont want it to end. It's such an incredible piece of work and even though I finally committed to reading it a few weeks ago, it already feels like such a significant part of my life. On the other hand, I'm a little glad that it's over. FAR from the sense it was bad (I'll steal your liver if thats how you interpret it) but moreso in the sense that it was like a good crying session. It's something that a lot of us (or I assume a lot of us) typically want to avoid even though we know its good for us, and satisfying after the fact. It's like catharsis in a way. Endings aren't always a great feeling in the moment, but it's something that we can look back on with a fondness.

I'm so glad I found this work. I'm being completely serious when I say that this fanfic, and the other content you make, has changed my life for the better. Its helped me reconnect with that love I have for creativity after nearly a decade of not making anything even though I wanted to. It's helped pulled me out of a few ruts of depression. It's helped me realize that I'm not actually emotionally stunted (per my own conclusions) and be more willing to cry instead of burying those feelings. In the past I would just, kill these kinda thoughts before they got far because of how much I wanted to avoid crying. Much less actually writing them down, or express them to someone else. But now, I've been crying the whole time I write this, and for the first time in, I think ever, I'm okay with that. I know we don't actually know each other, but you've genuinely helped me become a better person with the things you make. Thank you so much for everything you've done Sofie. hey look! I got your name right!

But enough about me. I feel like it's getting indulgent at this point. (I've gotten dehydrated with how much ive cried writing this and from what I can tell, you cry a lot more than I do. So go drink some water first, and then) I wanna hear your thoughts. What are your thoughts and feelings about your work being finished? Do you have plans to take a break from creative endevors for a while, or are you gonna keep going? Are you going to be expanding more on this and other au's, different fanworks or move into something completely your own? Whatever the case may be, I'm excited to see what more you are going to come up with!

From the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of everyone else, Thank you for everything.

It's so surreal to have posted that final chapter. I finished the first draft almost 100 days ago exactly, and I spent a number of days after completing it kind of adrift. I'd go to my computer every morning like I had during the month prior and sit down, ready to write, only to remember that I was actually supposed to be taking a break before I made the final edits.  It didn't click in my head that I had actually done it… until a couple weeks later when it hit me like a truck that I had an entire completed manuscript sitting in my Google Docs. I think I was making myself lunch at that moment, and I had to bolt to lie down on the floor and put my legs up against the wall because I was ready to pass out at the realization. 

This feels pretty similar. For me, The Present is a Gift— the main fanfic, at least— was finished in mid-January. But the process of uploading it and agonizing over what people thought of every passing update wouldn't be formally done until about 3 months later. It still hasn't clicked in my head that I won't be posting a new update once Tuesday rolls around. 

On the subject of taking a break— I've actually been taking a break, at least partway! I've barely written anything after I finished TPiaG's first draft, and I haven't drawn much “serious” art, for lack of a better word, since I started my blog. I've still been making things, yes, but scattered oneshots and sketchy pieces without solid lineart are not my typical fare. I'm usually a lot more “exact” with what I make— words fail me here— I hope I'm not being too vague! I might take a brief break as I finish up the winter semester, but that would be less a break from creating and more of an “OH MY WORD I NEED TO FOCUS ON NOTHING BUT PASSING THESE COURSES” kinda thing. 

TPiaG (along with its derivative AUs) is still very much a living project to me— there's a lot more stories the characters have in them, even if I struggle to envision a full-on sequel. I'm absolutely going to answer the asks relating to it that I've received over the months along with any I continue to receive, and if I get any ideas for comics or oneshots here and there, I'll make them. As for what's officially next up on the Sincerely Sofie menu, I'm planning to make a visual novel that's a lot more meaty than the last one I made. I'm not sure if it will be original or based on TPiaG— but a visual novel is the medium I'm planning on! 

I'm so overwhelmed by your kindness. I truly don't have any words. This project started off as something private to help distract me from a depressive episode and to process trauma, and it's become so much more. I'm so glad it was able to help you. Catharsis was the keyword for TPiaG— I wanted it to uproot difficult emotions and help people start to heal from them, but I never dreamed it would really help anyone but myself. So to hear it was able to provide you with that is unbelievably meaningful to me. 

I gave myself the goal somewhat recently to let myself cry whenever the urge strikes me. I used to go months without crying, and whenever I did shed tears, it was alone in my room while muffling the few sounds I accidentally let slip. I'm a natural crybaby, but I had schooled myself into thinking for a number of reasons that it was bad to cry— that it was selfish, or attention-seeking, or weak— so I've been trying to reclaim my teary-eyed identity. It's been difficult, but it's so freeing to let myself feel things fully. All of this is to say: let the tears fall. I've helped more people by crying than my stoicism ever did. 

Thanks again. I can't properly word my gratitude, but know that it's overwhelming :,>

[mars101]

Act 5: -> Scene 1: Lee Hyunjae Jaehyun

WRITTEN PART -> (0.8) -> no ss after text

june 10th, 2002.

hey travel diary, it's your favorite girl!! just saw the most hottest boy ever.. ♡♡ ok well i have seen a lot of cute boys while solo traveling but this one is different. this time… we actually talked. he sounds so majestic, a voice so smooth i think im melting as i remember the sound of it

i was feeling brave today and decided to approach him at this cute cafe, i saw him through the front window and i just had to talk to him.

his name is lee jaehyun, but i like to call him hyunjae for fun hehe. we're the same age and he's here for his studies, a semester at the university nearby. said he's deciding to go into business, you know what that means.. rich husband in the future ;)

we're going on a date tomorrow night at this restaurant by his university. the dress code is semi-formal but i'm not sure if i have anything like that in my luggage. he said that it's fine and anything i wear will be beautiful to him..

maybe later that night we'll… dot dot dot :)

July 16th: One day before Yin's Wedding.

The four were now sailing around the island. Juyeon controlling the sails and Younghoon napping on the deck. Leaving Hyunjae and Yin to talk.

“Ah, congratulations on your wedding by the way. I haven't been to one in forever, I'm honestly a little excited”

yin chuckles softly, “im excited too! i haven't been to a wedding since i was a kid”

“It's funny that Y/n now has a grown daughter, I would've loved to have a daughter. I would've spoiled her with anything she wanted.”

“do you have kids?”

“Nope, only a dog, his name's Darong..”

“hmm cute! i've always wanted a pet but i'm always running around doing stuff”

“That's perfect for pets though? Ah wait, how old are you again? I don't think I asked yet.”

“i’m twenty!”

“Oh wow! Twenty, hmm twenty years ago was around the time i met your mother..”

“how did you meet my mom..?”

Hyunjae grins as he thinks about past memories, “It was at a cafe on the mainland, I was there for a semester and honestly I should've stayed for longer if I knew I was going to meet someone like your mother.” Yin smiled softly at the sight of his gleaming eyes while talking about her mom.

“Your mom saw me from outside the window and went inside just to talk to me, the first words she said to me was,” He chuckles while remembering her past words, “hey good-looking, are you single?”

yin's mouth is agape at the idea that her mom was so bold, “no way mom said that” hyunjae smiled while shrugging, “Your mom was very charming when we first met. So charming that I decided to ask her out on a date the next day..”

“you must've really liked her”

“Of course I did. I'm going to be honest. She was the first woman to ever pursue me first. I was always the one chasing after others, which did not work at all, so to have a beautiful woman call me good looking and basically ask me out, I was going to make this a thing."

“and did it become a thing?”

Hyunjae leans back on his hands and looks away from Yin. “Well.. No? We did go on a bunch more dates and were practically stuck together all the time, but sadly, my semester had already ended. I had to go home after meeting the possible love of my life.” Yin frowns at this, “Don't worry, it was years ago, and I'm alright now, came here to possibly become close with your mom again.”

“Oh, not like that Yin, only as friends. I wouldn't want to do that to you when your dad is here. Oh, where is he by the way. I want to see who was the lucky guy to marry Y/n”

“uhm.. i don't know!”

“Oh! Uh.. I'm sorry, what?”

“i don't know who my dad is..”

june 24th, 2002.

no way… he's leaving me :( my hyunjae…

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN A GAP YEAR, maybe if i went to college right away i could've been in the same uni as him (if i did what jiwoo did and applied to every place we could think of)

i thought traveling was supposed to be fun, not heartbreaking. why does this happen to me :((

first, that beautiful man walked away after making eye contact with me for 10 seconds and now hyunjae..

what's next..? wait, im not going to say anything just in case i jinx myself

synopsis = a day before her wedding day, Yin decides to find her father so he can walk her down the isle, the problem? There's three candidates: Lee Juyeon, Kim Younghoon, and Lee Hyunjae.

last/next

masterlist

taglist:

@boomhoon , @sanasour , @loonaluvz , @jaerisdiction , @cowsmicwu , @jundundun , @piripurora

[navree]

I love House Tyrell too !! ❤️❤️❤️ That’s who really knows how to play the Game of Thrones - looking at you Olenna 👀 -

Speaking of House Tyrell, don’t you think that what Margaery was accused for, I mean adultery and disloyalty because she too enjoyed the company of handsome men, was very similar to what Rhaenys was accused for? 🤔 Was the concept the same for both of them? Are they really guilty? Honestly, they seem to have many similarities - like being shrewd and maybe even manipulative politicians - and I would love to read your thoughts ❤️

There's some similarities, but not a whole lot. The main thing with the accusations against Margaery is that they're not whispers at court like it seems to have been with Rhaenys, these are legal accusations of treason. Margaery is currently waiting to be tried, in what amounts to a Westerosi court of law, for committing high treason against the king, her husband, by engaging in affairs with other men. These are allegations being made publicly and specifically with the intent to prove her guilty of a crime. In Rhaenys's case, these appear to have amounted little more to the occasional rumor, certainly never anything as formal as what Margaery's going through.

There's also the place they're in as queens when any allegations of impropriety are being made. Margaery is the wife of a king with very little authority, since Tommen is like eight years old and isn't anywhere near power right now, and she herself has no way of cementing any power the way a queen typically would, since she's sixteen and it is generally frowned upon for sixteen year olds and eight year olds to consummate a physical relationship. Rhaenys, on the other hand, had been Aegon's wife for a while, and was very clearly favored by him, and had cemented her place in his life as his preferred romantic and sexual partner in a way that was clearly visible to everyone. That's probably why there wasn't anything beyond the occasional rumor of her liking comely young men, because it wouldn't have been able to get that far with an authoritative king who wouldn't take those accusations against his wife sitting down.

So on that front, they're both in very different situations, with Margaery's being far more precarious, but the original concept is kind of the same, since the idea of "this powerful woman is actually a secret slut" is something we've seen not only throughout history, but still being done to modern female politicians and leaders today (that or calling them frigid robots).

Is Margaery guilty? Honestly, no. It's been a good while since I read AFFC, but it seems to be pretty clear that all of this was made up out of whole cloth and all orchestrated by Cersei because she wanted Margaery out of the picture in order to forestall the coming of Maggy's prophecy. She convinces people she knows to claim that Margaery was unfaithful, or that they were unfaithful with Margaery, and all of those people recant their charges. The only one who doesn't is the Blue Bard, who is very explicitly written as having been tortured into confessing to the point where he's gone mad as a result of the ordeal. No one was concocting any rumors that Margaery was unfaithful or promiscuous before Cersei decided to do her thing, and it's pretty clear not only to the reader, who has access to Cersei's thoughts, but also to a lot of the people in King's Landing, that these allegations just straight up aren't true.

Is Rhaenys guilty? A bit harder to say. Unlike ASOIAF, F&B is not a proper narrative, where you can get into people's heads and see their thoughts and motivations. It's a history book, without the access to inner monologues and closed door conversations and private accountings that a narrative with POV and characters can have. And this section of F&B is, as I've said repeatedly, really just not one that has a lot of information about the people it's talking about, and certainly never anything from their perspective. So, while we can't ever know for certain whether Rhaenys did or didn't have affairs, I'm pretty certain that she didn't. The main point of evidence just seems to be that a) she patroned singers who happened to be young, we know that her patronage had a distinct propagandist bent that was her primary motivator and b) that Aenys didn't really act like Aegon, but those rumors about Aenys are explicitly stated to have died away the second Aenys was able to bond with Quicksilver (and in general, I'm willing to cut a toddler going through a mental breakdown because his mom was very suddenly killed in action some fucking slack).

As to whether Margaery and Rhaenys are similar, maybe. They're both intelligent and they both possess a clear understanding of the political landscape, and appreciate using politics to shape how the kingdom is run as opposed to a more militant approach, and they're both well loved by the populace and appear to know how to use that to their advantage. But we don't really know all that much about Rhaenys, and meanwhile with Margaery, since we're not in her head and we view her through people who have a pretty distorted view of the world (Sansa and Cersei), so we don't necessarily have the clearest view on her either. I think Rhaenys is also just a bit more settled, she enters the history books already as a woman in her mid-twenties, where Margaery is still just a teenager, and as such has a bit more mastery over herself and the world around her than Margaery currently does.

[wolfeyedwitch]

Could I request 🥀 from the soft ask list for Celeste? -verkja

🥀 How would your OC decorate a notebook or journal? What kind of things are written in there? Could you give an example of a nice entry?

I'm going to answer this for Celeste before she became a pet, back when she was still human, because currently she's very much not in a state to decorate a notebook/journal.

For decorations, Celeste would do little drawings of flowers and such, similar to things she would embroider. As she learned more medical knowledge (she very much enjoys being able to heal others, it makes her feel unimaginably wealthy that she no longer has to just look out for herself but can share her good fortune), she starts adding anatomical details. Some pages are just fractal patterns of what might be branching trees, or might be blood vessels. Sometimes these get rather surreal, with flowers blooming from human hearts or growing inside skulls. Yes, she's a little morbid. She lives with a bunch of vampires; can you really blame her?

She writes notes on things that have happened, observations of the others in the blood house (both client and employee), and notes on things she's learned.

Example under the cut.

Monday:

Practiced lap harp and formal dancing. (Elodie promised to show me some "informal dancing" later.)

Man came to speak with Madame: thin build, tall, blond hair. Think I've seen him before, but he never buys time with anyone. He only talks with Madame. Maybe ask her? Only if she's in a good mood.

Worked on embroidery for Madame: stylized heart motif.

Tuesday:

Elodie worked the bottom floor today; came out most injured I've ever seen her. I don't understand why Madame takes such clients; surely she can afford to be selective and not cater to sadists. She says that "we feed their hungers so they feed ours", but that's not really an answer. Yes, Elodie will heal; she's a vampire, after all. But still, it must hurt while it happens.

Was able to work in the infirmary. Neat stitch-work does in fact transfer from cloth to flesh. Gave some of my blood to help Elodie heal, though she had already been fed from one of the "medical" bloodbags. She has the next two days off, but it shouldn't take her that long to recover. The physician estimated she'll be fine by tomorrow.

Wednesday:

My birthday is coming soon. It'll be a year that I've stayed here. Madame says it'll be a while longer before I'm ready to be turned. I'm not sure if I'm more scared or excited.

Thursday:

Elodie finally felt up to some "informal dance" lessons. I'm glad she offered to teach me. It's so much easier than it would have been had it been one of the boys. I know they wouldn't hurt me, but... memories are fickle like that. Had it been one of the boys, I'm sure my mind would have gone to the events that made me finally accept Madame's offer. With Elodie, I was able to concentrate on her clever tongue and nimble fingers.

Friday:

Had a party today. Theo is leaving us; Madame secured him a place with a household in Marseilles. The contract is for a decade. By the end, he'll have the wealth and contacts to do anything he desires after he leaves.

I'll miss him, though. Maybe he'll come back to see us afterwards? Madame said we can't send letters, that it would merely distract him from his new duties.

----------

So that wasn't the nicest of journal entries, but it's fairly I'm tagging everyone since there is some plot going on here. What do you think Madame Lucienne is up to?

@kim-poce @cupcakes-and-pain @nonbinary-disaster @onlybadendings @neverthelass @its-mysweetlittlesecret-blog @appleejuice, @someonesnamesblog @rainbows-and-whumperflies, @extemporary-whump @thecyrulik @myhusbandsasemni, @heart4brains @kixngiggles

[faintvibes]

HISTORIC ART STUFF WOO

In true procrastination fashion, I have picked up drawing historical Hetalia in the midst of deadlines- but take some images anyway? I've got another 4 waiting to be finished, but I'm posting these now in the hopes that I'll switch focus to better things before I pick up the remaining images... (hopefully)

If you're interested in my process through creating these, I have more information on my thoughts, references, etc under the cut! :)

So first (and ironically the most recently completed one): America. I was going to draw this lad in more masculine clothing, but I was flipping through one of my reference books and found a look I thought was absolutely stunning, so ofc I had to use it. My justification is the hc that he crossdressed to hide from British forces/representatives (depsite the image used being dated to the 1710s). Speaking of...

This is taken from a book in the World of Art series by James Laver: "Costume and Fashion". This specific image can be found on page 129 and is captioned (visible at top of image) "Studies of three women, Jean-Antoine Watteau c. 1716-17". The lady on the left has the outfit that caught my eye, while the one in the middle is who I took inspiration from in regards to hairstyle. I found it fascinating to see the differences in fashion between classes- the same basic structures, but the left woman's stays are on full display, held in place by a simple ribbon. And her stays don't show a hint of decoration, unlike many from the time. Certainly not something the other two would be caught dead wearing, but I quite like it.

Since the image has little colour, I was free to play with my own ideas (though I likely would have anyway). Since my excuse was that this is during the revolution, I figured linking back to the American flag would be a neat touch- hence the blue skirt and white ribbon (not exactly the shades used, but I didn't think of that at the time). You might notice that red's missing from the equation, which I decided on due to the famous redcoats of the British army at the time. I thought about using a red-brown for the stays, but I liked the brown I settled on and figured that probably wouldn't have been the most common colour on the cheap anyway. However, the white of the ribbons is ever-so-slightly red, and I used a grey-red colour to shade it. That detail is meant to be rather subtle however, as I imagine America wouldn't have wanted to use anything red as a disguise at the time. The green top might seem a bit out of place following that logic, however I had a different idea when it came to that. Originally I thought of green because of how it worked well with blue and brown, but a recent (ongoing) project involved me researching meaning by the colour, so its association with growth and renewal seemed fitting for the whole revolution plot. Though, it could also like to the green fields and rolling hills you can find in the east coast- the ground on which the revolution was fought.

The background colour isn't so thought out- I just picked one that didn't take away from the main image.

Now next we have Prussia, who's dressed in a formal suit from the 1820s- specifically, 1829- as seen in the reference photo I used:

This is from "A History of Fashion: From Loincloths to Lycra", written by Jacqueline Moray, created and designed by David Salariya- with a small team backing them up. It's incredibly detailed, and each page features small images of people across each time period discussed (one of which I've used for my reference) which helps with variety of dress. I do have to note, however, its lack of poc representation- with figures of any skin colour other than white only displayed in the Ancient Egyptian section and from the 1920s onwards. Furthermore, a crayon-like texture is apparent on darker skin tones- for no apparent reason. I'm not normally one to call attention to limited representation in these sorts of books- it's incredibly frustrating, but I get the thought process of "European/western fashion, European [looking] people" but the fact that they begin to appear after a time and the weird texture is... highly suspect.

But none of that relates to Prussia! This figure (the middle one, in the turquoise coat) can be found on page 24 of the book, and I've taken the outfit practically verbatim- minus some changes in colouring. I kept the shoes, under suit (under under suit?) and socks, with my changes originally going to be a grey/red colour theme... before I remembered that Prussian Blue exists. My whole idea I had going into this drawing was the sort of obnoxious peacocking that feels very on-brand for Prussia, and using a colour literally named after him sounded perfect. I decided to make that the overcoat's main colour, with a smidge of red around the vest collar to contrast it. Apart from that, I kept the grey and detailed with various buttons, primarily gold in colouring (with an exception for the larger ones on the overcoat, which are a darker blue).

Additionally, you may notice that he is blushing in the drawing I've done. There is no special meaning to this, other than that I'd noticed- while browsing images of him in order to reference features- images that appeared to be official/from the manga (I was just scrolling, and so didn't double-check) often depicted him with a bit of blush along the edge of his cheeks. Frankly, that's adorable and I had to include it.

And the last we have is New Zealand- or, my interpretation (one of). As I've stated previously (buried in the tags of an earlier post, good luck finding it) I have always thought of feminine/female, in part due to the lack of such representation in the Hetalia canon. Admittedly, though, my decision is influenced by my own gender identity and a want to relate to the character that represents my country. I alter the appearance of my country from their canon counterpart mainly due to a lack of satisfaction with what there is in canon for Aotearoa (and this is not something that just applies to my country, but it is the strongest in this instance) and the feeling that the character I see for my country doesn't represent the one I know. Though it's important to mention that how I choose to represent my country isn't static- it often changes, and you'll likely not see the same two NZs ever in my art, (unless it's an instance like my oc Kima, who was originally an interpretation of my country but was roped into another project and became individual in her own right. I draw her a lot, and her appearance is static, though I doubt she'll appear often on this blog.)

With that out of the way... I had two main reference images for Aotearoa, both taken from "Dressed: Fashionable Dress in Aotearoa New Zealand 1840 to 1910" by Claire Regnault which, by the way, is the best resource I have ever come across for early NZ fashion, and- while approaching the topic largely from the perspective of colonists- details how both Pākehā and Māori clothing evolved.

Both are illustrations by George Angus, the former (page 27) is taken from his book "The New Zealanders Illustrated" which covers how Māori dress changed due to colonisation, which was published in 1847. The latter (page 49) is a painting by him of Toenga (a hine of Ngāti Maru), depicting her in a traditional (though, slightly modernised) harakeke kākahu (flax cloak) as well as a European-style hat he describes as very fashionable among the Māori women of Auckland at the time. While I haven't incorporated the hat into my illustration, I have taken the cloak and red balls of fabric used- a detail Māori weavers began to incorporate upon trade with Europeans- though not the further red lines, since I have limited experience with illustrating this sort of garment. I've taken inspiration from Toenga's pose as well, particularly with how she holds her kākahu to slightly disguise her face (though NZ barely does). As for the other reference, I focused mostly on the hair textures and skin tones depicted to gain an idea of what I wanted this NZ to look like. While Māori hair remains most commonly black or very dark in colour (in my personal experience), I went for a very clear brown tone to call into her Pākehā links. I also initially went for a darker skin tone, but ended up choosing a lighter one for this reason. I additionally considered making her eye colour more noticeably European (e.g. blue, green) instead of brown, but ultimately decided against it, limiting myself to a lighter brown colour. At this point in her history I headcanon her as being primarily linked with her indigenous population, but she isn't absent of European heritage. As colonists begin to take more from her, I can see her becoming more westernised- but that is not yet something she has largely faced (key word being largely).

For similar reasons, I wanted her to have a tā moko tattoo. I am no expert in this art- my knowledge is limited primarily to the placing of the tā moko on the body in different instances and some of the common patterns- so I also sought out a reference for this. I used the book "Tangata Whenua: An Illustrated History" by Atholl Anderson, Judith Binney, and Aroha Harris. It is a goldmine of Māori history (as the title may suggest) and features many depictions of Māori people and events- this time from a primarily Māori perspective. The individual whose moko I referenced is pictured on the front cover, but is discussed in more detail on page 483:

Since I've taken taken my depiction from an actual person's moko, I cannot apply any special meaning relative to NZ apart from the cultural significance of the tattoo: the passage into adulthood, traditionally, though it can differ in the modern age. Internally, I warred with myself over distancing the design I have used from my reference more- after all, every moko is unique to the individual and the last thing I want to do is step on someone's cultural identity- but I am hesitant to do so. I am not greatly knowledgeable about tā moko and I can't help but feel as though I may be making a greater misstep in altering the design myself.

I did, initally, have another image to add here- I'd drawn an image of Canada in the following outfit (page 21 of the same book I referenced for Prussia):

But I wasn't fond (at all) of the pose I used upon finishing it, nor my attempts at the intricate detailing. But if you're interested, the idea behind the image was a bit different to the others. This is the sort of suit a French nobleman might wear in the 1790s- quite a while after Canada became British territory, though I'd been interested in the thought of him looking quite out of place dressed so fancily. So my idea ended up being France (kidnapping him?) deciding to loop Canada into a day of "nostalgia", bringing out old outfits and convincing his old colony to put one of them on. As such, I added a few more modern details to hint at this reality- painted fingernails, for one, and Canada's hair wasn't a wig, but his own styled in a small ponytail (with the ribbon). I may redo it eventually seeing as I was fond of the premise, but I had another idea for a Canada image that will be released whenever I finish the second set. This one was originally a vague notion of Nyo!Canada (her design is adorable) but I wanted this one to draw more from Inuit roots, and so her design will reflect that. Not really recognisable as canon Canada, but a Canada nonetheless.

Apart from that Canada, the other designs I have sketched but on hold are the following:

France, in the clothes of a Norman nobleman from the 1150s- looking slightly older than the young France depicted in Hetalia canon but with a noticeably innocent expression

Germany, looking very unimpressed in a wedding dress dated to 1878 (modern Germany, old wedding dress)

A joint depiction of Nyo!North Italy and Nyo!Germany with slight GerIta, which can be dated to sometime from 1910 to the 1920s, though more likely the 20s than the 10s (look, I had two dresses slightly different time periods, and an idea)

And if you've made it this far through my very long-winded explanation about these drawings that each hold a little bit of my soul, I applaud you and am very (very) thankful. Please feel open to discuss further with if you'd like- I value every second you spend entertaining my thoughts :))

[yuki-tsunodas]

The Player's Tribune: I will never forget the tears I shed that day

Article published 25 March 2021, originally written by Yuki Tsunoda in Japanese.

I translated the article with help from Google Translate and Naver Translator + my own interpretations of their rubbish translating, so apologies in advance for any mistakes! Anything I had trouble translating will be bolded with a (?) next to it!!

　I think that was the last time I cried in frustration, in regret.

　Four years ago, I was only 16 years old and was a student at Suzuka Circuit Racing School. It was the final selection to join Honda's Driver Development Program. If I pass, I can run in Japanese F4 the following year, but if I failed...I was thinking of quitting racing at that time.

　Now, I'm standing at the entrance of the stage called F1. Looking back, that was the turning point of my life.

　Of course, I didn't know if I would pass that year's trial because there were not only those who had already run in F4 but also some drivers who had come back from overseas.

　However, I've been racing in karts since I was four years old, and I've been doing well. That year, I was the youngest ever podium finisher in my debut race in the Japanese F4 championship, which allowed me to participate in the spot (?) race, and won the Super FJ Japan's first championship. At the selection test, there were good results until the final round of selection, and I was in a position to compete for first and second place overall. So I thought I could afford to make a big mistake in the final selection, and I was confident that I would still be in the top two in the end.

　I am a strong driver. But if you can't get results here or if you can't fascinate the judges with your running, it's already known (?). So I was prepared to give up my racing career if it didn't work. I think there were many other routes to go, such as running in other training programs or non-formal races, but I don't like it when it's not the direction I want to go. I decided to live a different life rather than to do it half-heartedly.

　However, the worst result awaited. At that time, I was very weak mentally and, of all things, it showed in the final round. Even before the race, I found myself tense and stiff. My fingertips were also stiff. I was not my usual self. I started like that, but suddenly I was flying...I had to drive through the pitlane and then rejoin the course. I felt like I was running alone, far away from the previous group. I felt sorry for myself, and I didn't even feel like running anymore. As a result, the points in that race were almost zero, and Tsunoda lost in the final round.

　I was so frustrated that tears welled up naturally on the train home. It was the first time since I started racing in earnest. I was the youngest among the participants, but I was shocked because I was confident that I wouldn't lose, and I couldn't imagine anything even if I tried to think about the future. I still remember clearly that I was so depressed that I didn't even want to see my parents on my way home from the Shinkansen.

　But there was only one faint hope. That was what the then Honda F4 coach said in an interview after the screening.

　"As a training driver for Honda, you will not be able to participate in the race next year, since the Formula 4 Honda has four cars. Maybe I can put you in one of the remaining two cars running as Suzuka Racing School."

　That was because former Formula One driver Satoru Nakajima recommended me. Mr. Nakajima was the principal of the school at that time, and at the time of the final selection, he was watching us run in the final chicane.

　I was given a penalty at the start, and I was racing without emotion, but I was running hard so that I wouldn't regret it. Through the visor, I saw Satoshi Nakajima standing in the final corner. I didn't want to show Mr. Nakajima a careless run. It was a hopeless ranking, but I thought I should not give up until the end and keep running toward the group in front of me. Then the road opened.

　In 2017, Suzuka Racing decided to enter me into F4 instead of making me a training driver. Then, I suddenly ranked 3rd overall in the annual overall ranking, and the following year in 2018, I was selected as a Honda Formula Dream Project driver, and was able to become the champion.

　It's all because I was frustrated at that final selection.

　The most unusual thing is that I think it's mental. Until I had a setback, I had a feeling that I would do well until the end without doing anything. I knew I wasn't good at starting even though I failed in the previous round, and I had time to practice before that, but I didn't. There was something sweet about overconfidence. And at that time, I was afraid of making mistakes, so I didn't know how to grow up.

　After failing the selection, I realized that I was still not perfect and that I had to be faster. I realized that it is important to make a lot of mistakes without fear of making mistakes, and to make new discoveries and grow from there. Therefore, I didn't feel impatient when I didn't get points as I wanted in the early part of the F3 and F2 seasons last year after I went abroad. Rather, there was no hesitation in the process of making a lot of mistakes first and learning a lot from them.

　Takuma Sato, a former Formula One driver, now driving in Indycar, is famous for saying, "No attack, no chance," but I think that's exactly right. If you don't try beyond the limits of any sport, you won't find the future, and if you don't try, you'll stop there. Therefore, even if there are times when I make mistakes or get no results, I don't feel strangely distressed. Even if you make a mistake, it's up to you to take it. Mistakes make me want to investigate the cause. If you think that you can overcome it, you can be faster than if you regret the mistake, and you can always face it positively.

　Now that I can race in F1, I feel grateful to my parents. I've liked to move since I was a child, and I played swimming, soccer, mountain biking, and also, not sports, but piano. Now that I think about it, I feel that my father and mother were letting me do what I was interested in. And the reason why I started driving karts was also influenced by my father. My father liked motorsports and played gym carna himself. One day, at the circuit venue I was taken to, I was allowed to drive a real cart. That was the first time. Actually, I also experienced a pocket bike at that time, but after trying two, I said, "The kart is more fun." I don't really remember at all (lol).

　But there were times I got sick of karts...

　For example, when I was about seven years old. When I was playing a game while waiting at the track, my father told me to "focus more on the race," and my game was taken away, and I felt like, "I don't like it anymore." Then my father became getting tougher and tougher on me to improve me, and he scolded me for many things. To be honest, I didn't really appreciate my father until I was 15, and there was a time when I hated him. 'This is "The Rebellion Period".' I think I was in the middle of it.

　Not only my father but also my mother was strict in terms of academic matters. I was always told to study in case I didn't succeed in motorsports. My junior high school was not a public school (?), so after the race, I would go home on the day, get ready for school, go to school, study, and take the test. To be honest, it was hard and I never liked it, but I continued to study anyway.

　At that time, I couldn't thank my parents, but now I have the opposite feelings. I think I am what I am now thanks to their harshness, scolding, and teaching me a lot of things back then. Thank you so much.

　I didn't expect to be able to get to F1 this quickly. Not only are there few Japanese drivers, but they are also those taking the shorter route compared to foreign drivers.

　When I first went to see F1 at Fuji Speedway at the age of seven, Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso were running. At that time, I wasn't longing for it, but I thought "I wanted to race with drivers like this someday", and those feelings are still the same. Hamilton is already a legend, and it's an honor to run with him, but when I get on the circuit, both Hamilton and Alonso are just drivers. Think of them as enemies.

　It's the same for Max Verstappen, who I think is the fastest and strongest opponent in Formula One, and Pierre Gasly, who's my teammate in Alpha Tauri. I want to know as soon as possible how well I can handle Verstappen and how well I can compete. Gasly was active in Japan's top-category, Super Formula, when I was running in Japanese F4, and I hope I can learn a lot of things from him, but I think he's also my biggest rival that I have to beat someday because we're in the same machine.

　'In the world of F1, "speed" is ultimately required.' No matter how fast you say you are, if you show off your speed, you can make an impact, and if you have speed, you can get back in front in the second half even if you were overtaken or separated from the pack in the beginning of the race. However, it is actually the most difficult to show "speed" in a situation like this. My biggest strength is speed, so in addition to that, I want to learn more of what I lack.

　Come to think of it, at an online conference held this off-season, my goal came out big like, "I'll be a Formula One champion more than seven times, the most ever tied," but that's not what I meant.

　I haven't done a single race in Formula One yet, so I can't say that (bitter smile).

　What I'm thinking about right now is to give the best performance I have in the first race, and to get as many points as possible throughout the season. Just like F2, even if you go up to F1, you will make a lot of mistakes from the beginning to the middle of the season, but I want to learn a lot by making new discoveries there. After saying such a thing at the press conference, there was a question like, "What is Tsunoda's ambition?" So I replied, "Maybe I'll win the championship seven times like Lewis Hamilton?" which became a big headline.To be exact, I really want to concentrate on everything in front of me now, and I hope that my ambition will come true as a result of that accumulated effort.

　What kind of scene will I see in the future? I want to improve my ability and become a race driver representing the F1 world, and I think it will be a different pressure and motivation, so the expectations of the fans may be even higher.

　That's why I want to never forget how I felt when I drove in Formula One for the first time in 2021. I want to cherish the current feelings of a rookie and continue to make mistakes to my heart's content, learn a lot from them, and enjoy them.

　I don't think I'll shed tears like I did four years ago in the final selection. I will never forget the tears I shed that day. But if I were to cry from now on, what kind of tears would I have...?

　I think it's realistic to say when I first win the championship. It's very difficult to get to Formula One, but it's going to be a tough road ahead. It's really hard to win, so if I'm going to shed tears, it's probably not "regretful tears" but "happy tears".

[acciocriativity]

The First Meeting ||Harry Potter

Pairing: Harry Potter x You

Summary: Your life takes a 360º turn when you discover that you are a witch and that you are going to study and live in a world completely different from yours. In the midst of so much change, you meet a boy who is feeling the same. 

 

Word Count: 2.4k

N / A: This is the first fanfic that I am posting on Tumblr, so it would be very important to me if you leave your opinion here and also English it's not my first language, if I made a mistake, I'll like to know and correct it.

 The day started rainy, which is not surprising considering that I am in England, more specifically in the city of London. However, I, as an immigrant from hot lands, consider rainy days bad luck, because something always happens wrong. 

And to my despair, today was supposed to be perfect. 

It was only a month ago that I discovered to be a witch and for my happiness, it has nothing to do with pointy noses and pure evil. Apparently the only similarity is the hats, since in the two moments I was around real wizards, I saw several people wearing them.

 My family, for the most part, being a completely devout Catholic, did not accept my new reality so well, not to say it was hell on Earth. In short, if I went, I wouldn't be able to set foot in the house again, as they weren't going to house a sinful witch. 

That bearded gentleman was kind enough to help me find another place to stay, while my parents would think better of it. Although I was unable to thank him or at least speak after being expelled from my home, or old home.

 

I've been staying at the Leaky Cauldron ever since, but because of the latest events in my life, I just went out to buy the materials. Being a witch had cost me a lot and I wasn't ready to face that until yesterday. It took me a long time to decide whether to go to Hogwarts or not, but now the certainty that I made the right choice was growing in my chest. 

 Right after having breakfast at one of the bar tables, I waited seated by the person in charge who would accompany me to Kings Cross station, where I was supposed to catch a train. I knew about it the same day that I discovered the magical world but only today I was anxious for that. I must admit that I imagined that we would fly, obviously all the stories lied to all the non-magical children on Earth.  

A few minutes later, a man in a turban appeared through the door and walked towards me, his expression showing no particular emotion when entering or even seeing me sitting, but what scared me was the fragility and fear in his voice.

- Miss Garcia, good morning, are you ready to leave? - He leaned on one leg while looking around worriedly. 

- Yes sir .. is everything ok ?? The bathroom is on that side - I knew it was inconvenient but I couldn't hold my curiosity as I watched his expression change.

- It will be a short trip but we must go now, to not risk losing the train, let's go - his posture was suddenly rigid and his face looked shaken but this time, I kept my thoughts to myself.

 At least he was kind enough to help me with the two suitcases, which were quite heavy due to the amount of books that were inside, I got some History of Magic extra books to learn more about that world. 

And he was not wrong, the path was fast despite the light rain and wet streets. We didn't talk beyond the formalities, I just found out that he is one of my teachers that year, Professor Quirrel and nothing else.

As soon as my feet took a step into the station, the man said goodbye with a nod and left to go his own way with a weird expression, but I didn't care about that for more than 2 seconds. 

I took a deep breath and started to walk following the small crowd of people who would possibly go to work in another city, since I didn't know the way to the platforms. Honestly, I didn't think it would work until I saw the license plate numbers, and I quickly hurried on, because mine was ahead. 

- 7 ... 8 ... 9 ... 10 ?? - I stopped walking at the same moment I realized that mistake, there was nothing between 9 and 10 - I don't believe it ... 

 I stood leaning against a wall looking around as if looking for someone, but in fact I wanted to find a miracle or at least an angel who could tell me what to do in that situation. 

Millions of thoughts crossed my mind within 2 minutes, most of them negative, until something drew attention out of my despair, or rather, someone. A red hair had just gone through the wall, it was so fast I could hardly believe my own eyes. 

Two more people did the same before I managed to close my mouth and walk over there, in shaky, uncertain steps. They hadn't noticed me and I thanked them mentally for it, because I wouldn't be able to pronounce a single right word. The good news is that they were certainly wizards, by the way they dressed and the most logical conclusion is that they would know the right way. 

 I waited for everyone to cross to get closer to that wall, I couldn't hear the conversation but I noticed that the right way to enter is to run. Again I took a deep breath and looked around to see if anyone was noticing me, with the station full, my answer came as a quick no. 

 I closed my eyes and ran about three short steps until I felt a sensation unlike anything I had felt so far. The stone wall seemed to have turned into a wind wall and I easily managed to get to the other side. I immediately opened my eyes after hearing the sound of a train and when looking to the side, there he was. The Hogwarts Express was written right in front of the locomotive.  

 It only took me 10 seconds to notice the difference, the clothes were definitely different and there was an absurd amount of children and teenagers, as I was walking closer to the train entrance, more people were showing up, in a way I didn't know how to explain.  

 The trip was smooth to Hogwarts, I found an empty car as soon as I arrived but soon the seats were being filled and I ended up sharing my cabin with two more girls, I soon noticed that they were sisters and that was the initial topic of our conversation. They were nice and helped me get into the current context of the wizarding world, explaining the basics about Hogwarts as well. 

- And he's here, the boy who defeated you-know-who's going to study with us! - the oldest of the brunettes spoke excitedly with a huge smile on her face. 

- One of my friends told me earlier that she met him in the hall, what is he like? - the youngest asked even knowing that none of us would know the answer. 

 This topic remained for a while, until they decided to take a walk on the train while I read, enjoying some quiet time. Honestly, I wouldn't like to be in this boy's shoes, not only because of the tragedies in his life, but also because of the amount of attention, comments and theories about him.

But I cannot deny it, I would like to meet him, who would not be curious after everything that was being commented on? 

 People got in and out of the car where I was sitting and I tried to have a decent conversation with everyone, but then when two older students came to tell us that we should change clothes, as we were arriving. I preferred to wait because a hurried crowd of students wanted to go first, so I ended up being one of the last to get dressed, but one of the first to leave the train. 

 All the way the view had been impressive but nothing had prepared me for the vision I had when I approached the lake, where we were supposed to go. It was dark and it wasn't raining, the moonlight reflected on the water of the Black Lake like a mirror and I was almost sad to see that we were going to cross by boat, because that image would be blurry. 

I could only see the outline of the huge castle on the other side, but it was enough to see all the splendor of that place and for a few seconds I was paralyzed absorbing the beauty of everything around me, until a voice brought me to reality. 

- Only 4 people on each boat, kids! - I glanced at the giant man, who was talking animatedly to some students, before I sat down in an empty space.

 As soon as we reached the other side, we gathered in a small group on the castle entrance stairs to hear one of the teachers. I remained behind and silent as I was paying attention, until I saw someone passing by and right after I felt a foot stepping on top of mine for several seconds. 

- Hey! Can't you see I'm here ?? - I said indignantly but as low as possible looking at the red-haired boy beside me.

- I ... I'm sorry, I didn't see you - he replied without even looking at me, his face turning as red as the color of his hair.

 I thought about replying but as the teacher was still talking, I just preferred to nod, accepting the apology. Only then did I realize that I caught the attention of two more students, a curly haired girl who cast a disapproving look at the redhead but smiled at me gently and at another dark haired boy, who noticed my gaze and shifted his look to the other side immediately. 

 It didn't take more than 15 minutes before we were inside that incredible hall, instead of a concrete ceiling just like outside, above my head was the most beautiful starry sky I have ever had the pleasure of seeing, with floating candles to complete the view. To my relief, it didn't seem like a common thing for most first year students, who talked quietly among themselves so I didn't look like an idiot admiring alone. 

We were instructed to stay in a queue, I had no idea what was going to happen so I was distracted looking at the stars, which never seemed so achievable until that moment. I wish I could go up there and take at least one, but it would be impossible. 

 We walked slowly until we stopped in front of the other students, who were spread out over 4 tables, my eyes never left the illuminated sky and as a result, I didn't notice that I was too close to the boy in front of me.

I got my first embarrassing moment of the year in less than 10 minutes, because I stepped on the cover of the boy in front of me. All the consequences of that went by very quickly before my eyes. In a second I was out of balance and fell, but that's not the worst part. I accidentally pulled his cloak back, the boy fell out of balance and fell with me, his back to me. It hurts, too much. No more than the weight of my humiliation and shame, but it still hurts.

 My face took on a pinkish tinge as I silently prayed that no one noticed, but that's not what happened. Today was definitely not my lucky day. I could hear half the room laughing and half whispering, so I knew for sure that I had made a big impression on people and a bigger one on the Hogwarts floor. 

- Sorry ... I was distracted - I spoke as quietly as possible looking at the ceiling and again at him.

 He didn't look at me for more than 2 seconds before looking away in that same direction and back to me again. His nod was minimal but noticeable and he soon stood up, which I had forgotten to do in those few seconds.

 What surprised me more than anything in the last month was his hand extended to help me, it didn't take me long to accept the help and so I got up and straightened my clothes trying not to show shock. This was an act of kindness that I couldn't expect from my brothers, considering how angry they would be in a situation like this, but other than shame, I couldn't see a hint of anger in his green eyes. 

- I'm really sorry ... - I said again, loud enough that only he could hear me. 

 The director had called everyone's attention, so most had stopped laughing although that redhead from before just stopped after the mini punch that the brunette gave him. 

- It's okay, it will just be another reason for people to talk about me behind my back - he gave me another small smile on the side but his tone was not the happiest. 

- And why?? I don't know who you are - I was curious because I had not met anyone important in the magical world until then.

 I could see a flash of surprise in his expression but before he could answer me, the names started to be called and little by little the children walked to the stool, where the hat was placed on their heads. After that he didn't answer me, no one else had the courage to say a word because they were very anxious to get their turn and also curious, like me, to know which house the famous Harry Potter would go to. 

- Potter, Harry - called the teacher with a serious but serene expression and a different look in her eyes. 

 From then on, the students' not-so-low whispers started again and I, who was already at the Hufflepuff table, could only be surprised to notice that the boy I dragged to my shame was actually Harry Potter himself. I didn't have the courage to look at him for more than 5 seconds, because again the embarrassment consumed me but this time harder. I only looked at him again when the Gryffindor table radiated in cheers and laughter as soon as he was drawn there and then our eyes met for the last time that night.

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