#it has always been you

[mafia-c]

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[subbe93]

It Has Always Been You, Chapter 6

Shinichi took part in the class reunion, which hadn't gone as he had thought of: His mother and Sonoko had claimed that he still loved Ran was the most ridiculous thing, and even if that's not enough, his old classmates had taken him to the nightclub and finally Ran had taken him to the dancefloor. Though he had had fun and finally remembered every detail that he had loved in Ran…

A/N: Happy New Year to everyone ❤ Without any other words, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

Chapter 6: Acceptance

Those blue eyes… 

They were still so beautiful, so captivating. Ran could have stared at them the whole day without getting tired of them. They were something that Ran wanted just to drown in. She had forgotten how soft and yet firm his hands were around her, she had forgotten how safe she still felt in his arms, how comfy it was to feel him close to her…

And she felt him coming closer to her. That same, familiar warmth that she had always felt while being near to him, calling her closer, asking her attention. She felt his breath mixing with hers and those same butterflies started to fly around her stomach the same way as when they kissed for the first time. She couldn’t wait to feel his lips, after…

And it all disappeared so fast, leaving Ran in the cold. Confused she opened her eyes, meeting Shinichi’s terrified face. She frowned. What was…

And only then she realised what she had done. And she stepped away from him.

“I… I’m… I…” She tried to say something, but somehow any word didn’t come out. She looked away, trying to avoid those blue eyes that were looking at her. She just couldn’t meet his eyes and… and…

What were you thinking?! Trying to kiss a man who was in a relationship with someone else, who is going to be married one day? From all the people she, who had always been loyal and thought that she would never seduce anyone who would be in a relationship or be a part of someone’s cheating, was here, trying to kiss him! He who she knew was also loyal, kind-hearted, someone who would never cheat.

What in the world was she doing?!

“I… Just… I need to go to the bathroom”, she said fast and turned around, walking fast to the closest toilets. She just needed to get away, away from him, away from those blue eyes. She needed time, needed to be alone, and… and…

She just opened the first door and went inside, locking the door behind her. Yet, she avoided the mirror, looking only at the sink until she got closer and opened the tap. She just couldn’t face herself.

She was so ashamed.

She lowered and washed her face with cold water. She knew she was ruining her makeup, but she needed it, she really needed it. She needed to shape up, get hold of herself, and… and…

And yet it made her feel only worse, and it was because somehow all those per milles that she had had, felt like they were washed away too. It made her only more aware of what she had done.

You stupid, what were you thinking? She couldn’t answer for it. She really couldn’t. She didn’t have any idea what she had thought or how in the world she had dared to try to kiss him.

God, who was she trying to kid? All the thoughts that had been in her head in that moment had probably been how handsome he had looked. Again, she had fallen into those beautiful blue eyes, into that irresistible smile, let herself lull in his soft voice, wrapped herself in those strong and safe arms. She had let herself fall again under his charm and somehow forgot that he was engaged to someone else. She had let her guard down and lost that control that she had had.

Or had she had any? She started to doubt it. When it came to him, maybe she had never had any kind of control. And even a thought of that made her desperate. Why she hadn’t realised it? Why she had thought that she could still spend some time with him like in high school? How she had thought that it wouldn’t affect her in any way, even when she had known that she still had feelings for him? If she had been so shocked about hearing him having a fiancee, how she had thought that she could still be with him as a friend?

Maybe that idea had only been there because she had been so sad about the truth that tomorrow he would be gone again. She had been so sad about the truth that she had met probably the most important person in her life again, after five years, and her heart would have a big hole just because he would be gone again. All she had thought had probably been that she would want to spend as much time with him as she could before losing him again.

It seemed to be a mistake. And now she had destroyed that little what they have had. She wouldn’t be surprised if… if…

And when she raised her face, looking at herself from the mirror, she saw tears flooding on her cheeks.

This whole class reunion has been a mistake.

Shinichi just stood there, staring at the empty place in front of him. For a moment ago, Ran had been there, but now she was gone and he wasn’t even sure where.

And all his feelings were mixed up together, and he wasn’t even sure where to start or what to think.

What to think? Well, that was a good question. Because what in the hell was he thinking? For a moment he had just danced with Ran, having fun, laughing with her, but in another second he had caught himself trying to kiss her. Why? Why?! He would never cheat on his love with anyone, not for any reason, because that wasn’t right! Because that was something that he wouldn’t want to be done to him either. When there had been problems or doubts or something, he had always talked about them with another one. Because he believed that talking before doing anything unforgivable was the better option.

And yet, here he was. He had forgotten his fiancée and almost kissed someone else. And what was the most unbearable thought was the truth that he hadn’t thought about Julia, not even for a moment. Not until he had almost touched Ran’s lips.

Why he hadn’t realised it sooner? Why hadn’t he stopped earlier? Where had he even got the urge to kiss her so suddenly?

“You still love her.”

No, I don’t…

“I don’t think you really let go of Ran-chan.”

Shinichi closed his eyes and shook his head trying to get those words out from his head. He did let go of Ran, right? He really did! The reason why he left was to give him more time to move on and leave her behind, and… and…

Why did he still feel like a loser? Like he was just lying to himself?

Shinichi opened his eyes and raised his left hand enough to look at the engagement ring. He loved Julia. He really did. He had meant it when he had asked her to marry him. But…

But.

Shinichi let out a heavy sigh and turned to leave. He glanced at tables where all his high school classmates were, having fun, and for a moment he hoped that he could be there with them. He kind of wished that he would have stayed with them, being as carefree as they were right now. Laughing with them sounded a much better option than fighting with his feelings and thoughts.

Just forgot how - again - he had just messed up his life.

It was his time to leave before anything else would become more complicated. And part of him wanted to say goodbyes to them, because after tomorrow, he wasn’t sure when he would meet or hear about those people again, but he was also pretty sure that they would try to make him stay longer. And right now, he wasn’t really in the mood to fight with them. So he avoided their tables as much as possible and left without saying anything. It was a little chill outside, but he still decided to walk: the hotel wasn’t that far, and he needed a little time to think about what he was going to do.

Because that was sure that he needed to talk with Julia. But then what?

He felt lost. As lost as he felt after the breakup with Ran.

Well, maybe the first step was to finally admit the truth. And even though he didn’t like it - and even less because it seemed that his mother and Sonoko had realised it sooner than him - it was the truth. After what had happened, he just couldn’t lie to himself anymore.

He still loved Ran. He loved her more than anything. More than Julia.

But what would happen next? What he would do with that truth?

As long as he was in love with Ran, he knew that he wouldn’t be worth Julia. It wouldn’t be fair for her that he would dream about someone else. He wasn’t even sure if he could live with Julia in the same way as he had done at this point. He couldn’t give all his love to her, as much as he would like to. Because a big part of it belonged still to Ran, and as long as he was still clinging to Ran, he couldn’t be there for Julia.

But could he get over Ran? He wasn’t sure anymore. Even for a few days ago, he was sure that he was over her. God, it could have been thought that after five years he would have gotten over her and lost his romantic feelings for her, but joke on him, there he was, proving himself wrong! And if he hadn’t gotten over her over five years while trying to work on it, how he could do it now? How many five years he would need more?

Because even though his mother applied something else, he was still pretty sure that he had done everything to get over Ran. Even though it had hurt, he had finally opened up and talked about his feelings and their breakup with other people, including Julia. And every time it had made him feel better, but it seemed that any of that hadn’t really taken away his feelings or changed them. The only reason - probably - why he hadn’t felt like this, was because he hadn’t seen or heard about Ran in a long time. He had kind of moved her aside, “forgot” her, lived in his little bubble, and pretended to be happy and in love with someone else. And now that bubble had been pierced.

So he wasn’t sure if going back to America and trying to be with Julia was a very good option. Not if he couldn’t get over Ran. Which kind of left him with one other option.

He would break up with Julia.

He would do the same that Ran did to him over five years ago.

Well, he should talk with Julia before making any harsh decision, and to be honest, he didn’t feel good about this, but deep down he already knew his decision. He even hated that one, but he also knew that it would be the better - both of them. He was madly in love with someone else and Julia deserved better. He couldn’t promise to get over Ran if he wasn’t even sure he could do that.

But if he broke up with Julia, what would he do then?

Shinichi stopped in front of the hotel where they were staying and looked at its front. Even though he knew that the first thing was to talk with Julia, he still felt so lost. Even though he knew deep down that breaking up with Julia was probably the most reasonable solution, he still didn’t like it. He still remembered how it had hurt when Ran had told him about her decision, and to be honest, he didn’t like to hurt anyone ever again.

But if he didn’t get over Ran, he would hurt Julia anyway. He would always hurt her.

Shinichi let out a sigh. Well, he was probably thinking this too much. It was almost midnight and Julia was probably sleeping already. His chance to talk to her would be in the morning. And that made him feel uneasy because part of him would have liked to get over this as soon as possible, but at the same time, maybe this would give him more time to prepare.

Though he wasn’t sure how he could prepare for it. Could anyone be ready for a talk like that? And he was pretty sure that these thoughts and feelings wouldn’t let him sleep.

The hotel’s doors opened and he stepped inside. Somehow his feet felt heavier and his walk just slowed before he stopped middle of the lounge. He felt like he wasn’t ready to go to their room, not at all. He lowered his head, looking at the floor.

Part of him wanted to turn to his parents and talk about this whole mess. He knew that they probably couldn’t help him, but maybe he just wanted to talk about this with someone, get it out of his chest, and maybe they could give him some kind of advice or something. But he didn’t feel very proud of himself right now, and even though he knew his parents would be kind and wouldn’t judge him - and it probably wouldn’t surprise them that he still loved Ran -, he still felt like they would be ashamed of him. He knew that he was wrong, but he couldn’t help it.

But if he would stay alone, he would just feel guilty about the whole mess he had made. And he wasn’t sure if he could just go to their room and lie down beside Julia like nothing had happened. That would probably only make him feel more guilty.

Maybe he just should turn to his parents. They would understand, right? And even the idea, of spending the whole night alone with these thoughts…

“Shinichi!”

And even if he wanted to say that voice was the best thing he knew, hearing it made him feel sick. He hadn’t waited to hear that voice this soon. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, hoping that he wouldn’t vomit right there.

He wasn’t ready for this. 

Yet he opened his eyes and raised his head to see, how Julia ran to him, looking surprised, but happy. Her hair was in a bun and she had a nice dress and high heels, and Shinichi was pretty sure that she had been in the hotel’s restaurant with his parents.

And even though he had a moment ago wondered if he should speak with his parents, now he started to hope that they wouldn’t come out to witness that exact moment when their only son was going to mess up everything he had.

And it was enough that Julia was there, smiling happily and those bright eyes looking at him. It just made everything harder. Even though he knew that it would be best just to tell her everything, he hated to be the one who would swipe that happiness away from her.

But whatever he would do, he would make her life just miserable.

“Hey, darling”, she greeted him in English, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly. Shinichi hugged her back even though that little gesture felt also so wrong. “I thought you would be back later”, she continued before kissing him on the cheek and moving a little away to meet his face. “How…” Yet, that question died there while that happiness changed into a worried look. “Is… everything okay?”

And Shinichi let his hands drop, making her take a step away from him. Yet, he observed those light blue eyes and thought about this one last time. She was nice and kind, energetic, he liked her. Not strong-willed but loving. He genuinely loved her, he really did…

But not as much as he loved Ran. She was strong-willed, had her own mind, and dared to say what she was thinking, didn’t turn around because he said so. Her touch was soft, her orchid-colored eyes special, and her smile the most beautiful. With her, everything was easy, comforting… She made his head pound, she made him stare at her, wanting to memorize all details of her, every shape of her, observe her every movement, learn her every mood, every expression, every…

She was still the mystery that attracted him. The mystery he wanted to investigate, learn…

And Julia could never be that close.

And even though he would go back to America with her, trying to forget Ran again… It wouldn’t be fair to her.

Julia deserved better. Better than this.

Better than him.

“Shinichi?”

“I… I almost kissed her.”

“Wh… what?”

Shinichi closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, before meeting her eyes again. They were mixed in confusion, but at the same time, he could see a hint of sadness and hurt.

“Ran”, he said finally. “I… I almost kissed her.”

And seeing how that confusion changed into sadness and hurt, he knew she had understood where he was going with this. He wanted to say something, but he had no words. He didn’t feel good just to tell her that it was over, but at the same time, he didn’t want to say out loud that he still loved Ran.

“So… You still love her?”

Well, she said it. And looking at those eyes made Shinichi feel pretty bad. Over five years ago, he had looked at different colored eyes that looked exactly the same, and back then, even though the situation had been a little different, he had hoped that he wouldn’t be the reason for those hurt and sad eyes, but it seemed that he couldn’t do anything else than bring misery.

He dropped his eyes because he just couldn’t look at her any longer. “I do”, he admitted. “More than anything”, he added before he could stop himself.

“Why?”

The question made Shinichi raise his head to look at her. She looked angry. “Why?” she repeated. “Why do you still love her that much? After all this time? God, she was the one who threw you away, she was the one who broke your heart! She was the one who left you and moved on, and still, you care about her enough to leave everything else behind you?”

“She had her reason”, Shinichi said. “I lied to her…”

“Just to keep her safe”, Julia shouted. “And if she would have loved you as much as you love her, she would have understood it!”

Shinichi felt how something cracked in his heart. “Julia…”

“What in the world makes her so special that you still can love her?”

Shinichi lowered his eyes. Everything, he wanted to answer. You have met her, you can tell, he wanted to say. Like he could name anything or even tell. This was ridiculous, because Shinichi had always had some explanation for everything, something reasonable to explain himself, but this time, he just couldn’t. It was a feeling that he had. When he was near Ran, everything felt somehow different: relaxed and comforting, and yet a little bit exciting. Every time Ran was away, he missed her, thought of her, wondering what she was doing, if she was okay. And every time he thought about her, he just wanted to see her. He just wanted to be close to her, be with her…

He didn’t wait for Ran to take him back. Even less now that he had tried to kiss her. Hah, who even would want to man who was ready to kiss another woman behind his fiancée? But even though he knew that his chances with Ran were long gone, he just couldn’t make himself hate her or stop feeling like he did. Because he understood that she had her reasons and they were understandable. He didn’t blame her.

“She just… is”, he said finally and let out a weak laugh, because his answer was so childish, so stupid. Yet, he couldn’t give any better. “Everything just feels so much different with her”, he continued and met Julia’s eyes finally. “I don’t say I didn’t feel good being with you, but somehow, with Ran, everything I feel with her goes even further. Like… far beyond.” He shrugged. “I can’t explain it, really, but… for me, she is special.”

“So special that after everything, you would go back to her if she would give you a chance?”

Shinichi smiled shortly. “I would”, he answered. He wasn’t proud of that answer, but he knew deep down that it was the truth. Ran could throw him away as many times as she would like to, but he would be fool enough to still love her and go back if she would just ask him to. But then he let out a sigh. “But she won’t want me back”, he said, feeling another sting in his heart, but tried to ignore it. “She had said it herself.”

“Good”, Julia said much harsher than Shinichi waited for. “Because I think she doesn’t deserve you.”

“No”, Shinichi corrected. “I think I don’t deserve anyone.”

“You’re wrong, Shinichi”, Julia said and her expression softened. Shinichi observed how she came closer, lowering her hand to his chest… “You deserve only the best”, she said with a smile.

I don’t, he wanted to argue.

Julia lowered her head for a moment before meeting his eyes again. “If you need more time to get over her, we can take a break”, she suggested, smiling at him. He could still see tears in her eyes. “You can take as much time as you need. I will wait. As long as you need me to.”

Shinichi lowered his eyes and smiled.

“I asked someone once to wait for me”, he said silently. “And she waited. As long as I needed her to. And for what?” He raised his head and smiled at her sadly. “I’m not worth waiting. Don’t waste your time for me.”

“Shinichi…”

“Really”, he stopped her. “Because… As much as I want to say I can get over her, somewhere deep down I know that I can’t. And… It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to waste your time if I can’t get over her.” He kept a little pause. “If I can’t give you back as much as you deserve.”

Julia still kept looking at him, tears in her eyes, like pleading, hoping for a difference. And Shinichi looked back, determined. He felt bad. He really did. But it was for her best. She wouldn’t wait for him, she didn’t need to go through the same as Ran once did. Instead, she would have all the time to get over this and… and find someone who would deserve her and could make her happy.

But even though Shinichi felt a little bit better, he had no idea what he would do next. Probably like Julia, he had thought of going back to America, marrying Julia, and maybe starting a family with her, but now that has changed. All he seemed to know to do was to break his own and others' hearts, and it seemed that again he was the one who would carry that sadness on his shoulders. He felt like he was at the same point as he was five years ago. He was lost again.

“I can’t turn you around, can I?”, Julia said finally.

“You can’t”, he said. “It’s better this way.”

She let out a broken sigh, yet, even though there were tears in her eyes, she smiled.

“If I can be honest, I… I was a little afraid this would happen”, she continued and looked a little down. It made his heart crack. “That day, I… I saw how you looked at her, and…” She let out a broken laugh. “Well, I realised that you may still like her.”

God, had it really shown from him? But if Julia had seen it and suspected something, why hadn’t she said anything?

“I’m so sorry, Julia”, he said finally and lowered his head. “I should have realised it sooner. I should have realised that I’m not over her and…” He let out a weak laugh. “I still think I like you, pretty much, but… but…”

“I’m not her.”

“You’re not”, Shinichi admitted. “She is just… She is just something… special.”

“Well, you can tell it to her”, Julia said finally. Shinichi frowned but observed how Julia took the engagement ring from her finger and grabbed Shinichi’s hand, putting it on his palm. Then she met his eyes again. “Because of what I have seen and heard, I think she loves you too.”

Shinichi frowned at the same time when Julia let go of her ring and took a step away from him. “Ran?” he asked confused. Then he let out a dry laugh and shook his head. “I have told you, she doesn’t like me like that anymore…”

“Really?” she asked unamused and looked somewhere behind him. “Then why she is here, then?”

Slowly, Shinichi turned around to look at the outdoors. And to his surprise, Ran stood there, looking at them, like she wasn’t sure if she should come closer or leave.

How much she had seen?

“I take my things and take another room”, he heard Julia say. He turned to look at her, and she had already turned her back to him.

“Julia…”

“We are fine”, she said without turning to look at him. “But if you excuse me, I feel like I need to go to cry my heartbreak out, so… I need a little bit of time to myself.”

He knew he had done enough already, but he wished he could do something to make her feel better or take that pain away. But he couldn’t do anything else than say: “I’m sorry, Julia… I really am.”

She looked at him over her shoulder, trying to smile. “You and me both, Shinichi”, she said before turning and walking away.

“Shinichi?”

Nice. He had just broken up with his fiancée, and now he needed to face his ex, whom he still loved deeply.

What a mess he had arranged again. But maybe he deserved this.

“Ran”, he said and turned to look at his childhood friend who had come closer to him, looking worried and like she had… cried. And he also realised that she had lost her make-up. To be honest, he wasn’t sure if she had even worn one, but something about her face was different, so it made him believe that she had had one. “What are you doing here? I thought you had fun with others.”

She frowned and looked even more frustrated. “Well, I… I…” It seemed that she didn’t get out any words, and instead, her eyes wandered to the elevator. It took a moment before she asked: “Was she angry with you?”

Shinichi turned a little bit to look at the elevator door which behind Julia had disappeared a moment ago. “Yeah”, he answered simply, and as a habit, he put his hands on his trousers’ pockets.

“I… I can explain everything to her.”

Shinichi frowned. “Explain what?” he asked and turned to look at Ran. He didn’t follow what she was talking about. “There is nothing to explain anymore.”

“We- well…” Ran seemed to be nervous. “She was angry because… because of me. Right?”

Shinichi shook his head. “No”, he said. “She isn’t angry because of you.”

“But I tried to kiss you.”

Shinichi knew it was late already and he was pretty sure that he had drunk only that one beer that Ran had offered him, but somehow he felt like he was so lost. To be honest, he wasn’t even sure what had happened during that “almost kiss”: He just remembered looking at Ran’s eyes and got some urge to kiss her, and when he had realised what he was doing, he had stopped himself, and then Ran had been gone. So it had been his fault, right? He had tried to kiss her.

Maybe Ran was just trying to take the blame to save him.

“No. I tried to kiss you”, he corrected. “And she isn’t angry because of that, but because we broke up.”

“You… you broke up?” Ran asked, looking even more sad. “But… why?”

Shinichi looked away. “What does it matter?” he asked and turned to walk to the couches. He sat down on one of them before raising his hands and rubbing his face. What a day he has had: An argument with his mother, the class reunion, Sonoko claiming that he and Ran were still in love with each other, then Ran taking him to the dancefloor, he had almost cheated on his fiancée and finally broke up with her.

But there was still one mystery: “But why are you here?” he asked finally and dropped his hands to look at Ran, who had followed him with slower steps like she was hesitating to follow him. She stopped in front of that couch, yet she didn’t sit. She met his eyes before lowering her gaze to the floor.

“Well, I… I was worried”, she said finally and glanced at him fast. “You disappeared so suddenly and I… I thought you left, and… and…” She stopped. Then she finally looked around and turned to sit down on that same couch, just leaving a little space between them. Then she just stared at her hands which she kept on her lap, looking somehow bothered.

“I’m so sorry”, she said finally.

“Ran…” Shinichi sighed.

“Because if I hadn’t tried to kiss you, you wouldn’t have to tell Julia and she wouldn’t be mad…”

“Ran, stop!”

Ran shut her mouth. Shinichi took a deep breath before opening his mouth again. “Listen. It didn’t happen because of you okay?” he said. “It happened because of me. Because I broke up with her. Because I didn’t want to hurt her more than I have hurt you. Because… Because I…” He lowered his eyes, looking at the floor. Well, there goes nothing. “Because I still love you”, he said finally. And before he could stop himself, he continued: “More than anything else.”

“Shinichi…”

“So I did what was right”, he said, hoping to stop Ran from saying anything else. He didn’t need her pity, he didn’t want it. Yet, he opened his hand and looked at the engagement ring. He remembered how he had bought it for her, how he had carried it in his pocket wherever he had gone with her, only waiting for the right moment. And how he had finally kneeled in front of her…

“I really loved her though”, he said finally, closing his hand. “I won’t lie: when I went to America, I just wanted to take some distance from you.” He collected all his courage to meet Ran. “I was so jealous of you when I saw you with someone else and I was so heartbroken from the truth that you looked so happy and free without me. So, I thought that some time with my parents would give me enough space so that when I came back, I wouldn’t feel so bad. In the end, for me, the most important thing is that you are feeling fine and safe. And if it is without me, then so be it.” He kept a little pause, looking at his hands again. “But I got my chance to study there, and I met her… And of course, some other people. But I told them about you and our relationship and I really worked hard with it. I wanted to get over you and my feelings because it was the only right thing to do. And I did and then I fell in love with Julia, I genuinely did. But… But then I came back to Japan, met you again, and…” He let out a laugh because he felt really, really stupid. He straightened himself only to lean on the couch back and look at the ceiling. “All this time I had lied to myself, thought I could love someone and give my heart to them, let them be something special for me. But… It has always been you.” Then he turned to look at Ran. “And probably will always be.”

And he could see how tears glimmered in her eyes. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Shinichi.”

And even though he had known it all this time, it felt like she had broken his heart again. His mother, Sonoko, and even Julia had been wrong. She didn’t feel the same. And even though he hadn’t had time to build any new plans on that, maybe, deep down, he had hoped that maybe, maybe there would be even a little chance to him, that maybe they could try at least one more time…

“I just threw you away five years ago because I was always doubting you and all your words. I didn’t talk about it even though now I realised that I should have said about it. Tell you about it. And only after you disappeared, I realised that I was just looking for someone like you in my life”, Ran continued with a cry, making Shinichi out of his miserable thoughts. “And when you finally came back, I was so happy to see you and all, but when you introduced your fiancée, I was… I was so heartbroken”, she said, and even though she was wiping her tears, she smiled. “Because I had been so selfish and hoped that one day, I would meet you again and I would get one more chance, because… because I still love you.”

Ran…

“I met Julia-san just because it seemed to be important to you, but… but all I wanted to do was cry”, Ran admitted. “Because even though I thought you deserved only the best and all the happiness, I… I was so heartbroken because I just… just… wanted you back. I also knew that the class reunion would be a mistake, but I still wanted to spend even a little more time with you before… before you would leave again.” Then she started to cry and covered her face with her hands. “I’m… I’m so sorry Shinichi. About… everything.”

Shinichi looked at her crying before straightening himself and gently, wrapped his arms around her, making her lean on him. “It’s okay, Ran”, he said while pressing his head against hers, closing his eyes and listening to that familiar cry. “I’m so sorry too.”

Epilogue

[renee-writer]

Fictober 24 Day 31 It Has Always Been You

Written for @fictober-event day 31. Outlander Fandom. Mood board pictures via Pinterest and @artistsassanach

AO3

He is making phone calls across the room. She cuddles him.

 

“I believe daddy is calling everyone he has every known, sweet William,” he exams her with wide intelligent eyes, “we are so proud you are here.

 

It has always been you. You were supposed to be our son. Yes you were. We didn’t know but God did. He knew when, He knew who. Welcome to the family William James Fraser. We love you so much.”

[tariah23]

Oh…. Well, it’s over for Crunchyroll I guess

[goldensunset]

advice i think we should tell children is that when adults say stuff like ‘now that i’m an adult i get really excited about stuff like coffee tables and bathrooms and rugs etc’ they don’t mean ‘and now i don’t care about blorbo and squimbus from my childhood tv shows anymore’ bc your average adult still loves all the same pop culture stuff they always did; they just have a greater appreciation for the mundane as well. growing up just means you can enjoy life twice as much now. you can get really excited about a new stuffed animal AND about a new kitchen sponge. peace and love

[chloesimaginationthings]

Elizabeth Afton bets on losing dogs in FNAF..

[its-your-mind]

[malinaa]

if i think about the hunger games in peeta's perspective i WILL start sobbing

[mythicalcoolkid]

You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side

[astrhae]

crowley used the metal tool in season 1 to start time, and we learn that he's used it first to start space. to create the stars -- he still remembers how. he still remembers all of heaven's passwords: in the book crowley is described as an optimist because he has the "utter surety... that the universe would look after him". not god, but the universe. and of course he does: he helped create it and he's looking after it, too.

think about it: aziraphale had a sword, but crowley is about to face satan who wants to destroy the world, and crowley's only weapon is a tool of creation

[justdecadentcollectiondestiny]

I got the wonderful opportunity to see Labyrinth on the big screen last week (thank you Fathom Events) and I think this time around really helped me nail down one of the things that makes this movie so special to me: the ending message.

A story with a somewhat childish sixteen-year-old girl who immerses herself in magic and fantasy worlds who goes through a journey and a transformation and comes out the other side more mature could very easily have ended with the message of "Now that the adventure in the fantasy world is over, our heroine has grown and matured enough to leave magic and fantasy behind and become an Adult."

But Labyrinth doesn't do that.

Labyrinth says: "You might grow up a little. You might put away your costumes and your music box and your crown. You might give your teddy bear to your little brother. But that doesn't mean you have to leave it all behind. Every so often in your life, for no reason at all, you might need a little magic back in your life. And your friends in the fantasy world will always be there for you."

"Should you need them."

[subbe93]

It Has Always Been You, Chapter 4

Shinichi and Ran met each other and cleared the air between them. Everything is fine. Or is it?

A/N: Hello! Here we have another chapter and didn’t take as long as the last one! :’D Well, to be honest, I planned to publish this a week ago, but sadly I got sick and didn’t have the energy to work with this. And it’s sad because this week had been so busy with everything else, but since I wanted so badly to publish this, I decided to find time to finish this! And I’m so excited! Every time I reread this chapter, I get so excited to continue this! I am also so happy that I got the last week of this semester on next week, so after that, I start my holiday and hopefully have more time to write this ^^ I’m so excited to get my hands on the next chapter!

But before we get the next chapter done, I hope you enjoy this one :3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4: "Are you sure?"

Ran looked at that American woman whom Shinichi had asked her to meet. She listened to how this woman told her in English how she and Shinichi had met - the same story that Shinichi had told her, but a longer version. It has more descriptions and more details. It was a version that Ran wasn’t sure if she really wanted to hear about. Julia smiled all the time and talked about him with so much enthusiasm. She didn’t even hide how much Shinichi had told her about Ran and even told her how Shinichi had told about their breakup and how it had broken his heart…

It made her feel bad. It really did. She almost wanted to stand up and go to the table where Shinichi sat, reading something and sipping his coffee. He had come with them, just in case there was going to be some kind of language barrier between them, but told them that he was going to take another table and just be there by himself. But Ran just wanted to stand up, go to him, and apologize - again. She hadn’t done very well with their breakup. She had always claimed to be there for him, and yet she realised now how she had just thrown him away, forgotten him until he had disappeared.

And Ran wanted to hate Julia. She wanted to hate how happy she looked, how she told her everything about them and their relationship and asked questions about Ran and her relationship with Shinichi. Julia didn’t even seem to think that maybe Ran wouldn’t want to share with her. And some kind of monster part of her has woken up in her. Like she wanted to share things that only she knew about Shinichi. Those were only hers to know, and if Shinichi hadn’t revealed them to Julia, she didn’t see any reason why she should share them!

But Ran knew she was just being selfish. What in the world she would do with that knowledge anymore? And another thing was, she really couldn’t hate Julia. She seemed to be nice and kind, straightforward and eager. Curious. And she talked about Shinichi so highly.

“Shinichi is so awesome, right?” Julia asked. “He is reliable and righteous and so brave! But he is also nice and kind and romantic. He is someone who you can always lean on and who makes you feel safe.”

Like she needed to tell those things to Ran. She knew it. God, she wanted to say that she knew better than anyone else! But still, she just smiled and told her that she was right. In the end, Shinichi deserved only the best, and Julia seemed to be one who genuinely liked him - loved him.

And it felt terrible to admit it. Ran wondered if she should have declined that offer when Shinichi had asked her to meet Julia. She was doubting if she really wanted to meet her, just because she felt heartbroken and wasn’t sure if she was ready, but at the same time, she hadn’t had the heart to decline it.

But now she was sure that she hadn’t been ready for this.

“I love him”, Julia said with the happiest smile on her face. “I love him so, so much! I love him more than anything!”

“Ran?”

Ran shook her head and turned to look at Sonoko, who smiled at her. “Let’s go, the game is going to start soon!”

Ran needed a moment to look around to get herself back to this moment and remind herself that she wasn’t in that cafe anymore. Instead, she saw familiar faces from her high school years, smiling and talking and ready to move inside. Everyone seemed to be so excited about the laser tag that they were planning to play before going to a restaurant. And that excitement started to catch Ran too.

“Yeah, let’s go”, she answered. She followed Sonoko and almost promised herself just to enjoy tonight, but then she saw a glimpse of Shinichi, who was talking and laughing with others. And somehow something heavy dropped on her heart. She looked at that smile that had always made her heart race in her chest and butterflies fly in her stomach, and she remembered Julia, how happy she had looked yesterday when they had met. When she had told Ran how much she loved Shinichi…

“I love him so, so much! I love him more than anything!”

She knew she shouldn’t have been bothered by those words. She knew she should move on, just be happy for him, for them. But at the same time, she also remembered those times when Shinichi had told her that he loved her. He had always said he loved her more than anything. He never repeated those words too often, which was the reason that it sounded so special when he had said them.

She wondered if he had said those same words to Julia too. And if something, that made her heart ache.

But it was her own fault. She had let him go. And it was only right that he had moved on. And… she was happy about it.

She still remembered the moment before they had parted away yesterday. All that time, Ran had wanted to tell Julia to take good care of Shinichi, because he was still so special and important to her, but at the same time, she hadn’t got those words out of her mouth. She knew that part of her had been scared to let go of him. She knew she should, but… but…

She just wasn’t ready.

And she moved her eyes away from Shinichi, trying to concentrate on what other women were talking about. She was here, having fun with others! And she would do it! And since Julia wasn’t here, she could pretend this one evening that everything was like before. She could pretend that they were still friends like in high school, she could forget that he had a fiancée… And she could forget that tomorrow, he was going back to America and she wouldn’t see him ever again.

She would survive, right?

“Hah, you were losers from the start!”

“Shut up, Tashiro-san! We almost won!”

“In your dreams!”

“Yeah, we would have”, Aizawa continued, and Shinichi saw how he angrily glanced at him. “If someone wouldn’t have been so weak and given that win for Mouri-san.”

Shinichi put a dry smile on his lips. “Speaks the one who dropped out the first.”

Aizawa grimaced. “Come on, you could have won! It was just you and Mouri-san, you could have won!”

“Well, can’t help it”, Hidaka interrupted. “Ran-san just is better than Kudo-kun…”

“Hah! He lost only because it was Mouri!”

“Now now, you two…”

“Hey, don’t listen to him”, Shinichi heard Nakamichi say. He felt a hand on his shoulder. “He is just a bad loser.”

“I don’t care”, Shinichi answered and looked at his old friend with a grin. “It was fun.”

Women versus men were their teams. It had been the fastest way to make teams and start the game.

To be honest, he hadn’t been a big fan of the idea of laser tag. Like… could there be anything more childish? But he couldn’t lie, as soon as he had seen how excited others had been, he had decided to go along - and finally got excited too and given his all.

He did. He really did. When other boys from his team had dropped out one by one, he had fought his way and took out girls as much as possible.

Until it had been he against Ran. How they had stared at each for a moment, realising that it was only two of them. And that grin… God, somehow Shinichi had remembered how much they had hated to lose each other. He had met an opponent who wasn’t easy to take down.

That fight had been very enjoyable. Ran didn’t go easy on him, and he had done everything to win her. He had needed all his skills and senses awake, concentrating only on what Ran had done.

But he had lost. Sadly. But he wasn’t mad about it. It seemed to irritate some of his team members because they believed that he had let Ran have that one, but why in the world he would have done that? Ran was a pretty capable woman and she would have destroyed him if he would go easy on her.

But they didn’t know her like he did.

And Shinichi admitted it, Ran had been on edge. There was a moment when Shinichi had thought that he had her, but sadly, he hadn’t been careful enough. One little mistake and Ran had taken him down.

“Okay, let’s forget it already”, someone shouted, taking Shinichi out of his thoughts. “Let’s go to eat!”

They were reserved a few tables for themselves. From the start, they were sharing what was going on in their lives, what they were doing, and if they still lived in Tokyo. Some of them were married and some even had family already. And some were still single. Shinichi was pretty surprised to see that no one asked anything about him and Ran or what happened to their relationship. When he mentioned that he was engaged to Julia, everyone seemed to be silent before congratulating him. Well, it wasn’t like he minded it because part of him didn’t like to get too much attention on himself, but truthfully their congratulations had been a little bit silent.

But at the same time, Shinichi wondered if they had been just in shock. In the end, everyone believed in him and Ran being together forever. And he didn’t blame anyone, because he had believed in that too.

But things had changed and he was just happy that no one didn’t snooped anything else. They didn’t ask what happened to them, and they asked only a little about Julia. Just who she was and how they met.

Of course, after Ran had told them that she was single right now and concentrating on her career, Iwata opened his mouth and asked if she would like to go on a date with him. Which wasn’t a surprise, because Ran was still a beautiful and kind woman, who would get anyone she ever liked to. But like people needed to try to hit her like that? Shinichi almost wanted to go and hit that idiot and teach him some manners, but Ran was faster and refused, saying that he wasn’t the man that she was looking for. Others laughed at him, and Shinichi felt happy. He couldn’t believe that Iwata had thought Ran to be easy prey, and he was happy to know that Ran wasn’t falling for a man like him. Of course, he wasn’t sure how much Iwata had changed during these years but Ran deserved so much better.

But after those so-called formalities, they started to reminisce and talk about everything else. And somehow, pretty fast, it started to feel like they were high schoolers again. Everything turned out to be relaxing and they were joking and laughing at the same things as back then. Shinichi found himself to enjoy about it. Even though he had always been conscientious and enjoyed doing detective work even in high school, he had missed his old classmates and that relaxing atmosphere with them. How playful they could be back then and how much fun they had had.

The food was served and eaten, and they decided to stay for longer, to wait an hour before the nightclub would open and they could start their party. Someone told them that they had a table reserved in the nightclub too, which sounded nice, but Shinichi was still pretty sure that when they left the restaurant, he would go back to the hotel. It wasn’t like he wouldn’t like to spend more time with others, and it wasn’t like he didn’t drink any alcohol, but he just didn’t care about the idea of being in the loud place where everyone was drinking until they were done…

He just liked to spend time with others, drink a drink or two, and just talk. But he believed that the time in the restaurant would be enough for him.

“Hey, Kudo-kun?”

Shinichi ripped himself away from one of those conversations that was going on and looked over his shoulder. He was a little bit surprised to see Sonoko there, looking at him.

“What’s up?” he asked. He started to feel a little nervous because he hadn’t talked with Sonoko after the breakup. Part of him liked how easily she seemed to approach him, but it was Sonoko, and he was pretty sure that anything could come out of her mouth.

“Can we talk a little bit?” she asked.

Shinichi looked at those bluish eyes for a moment, trying to find any hint of what she wanted from him. But all he could see was her seriousness, which kind of told him that it could be anything. Not really helping. But if it was something serious, he felt like there wasn’t a chance to decline. So he shrugged as an answer and stood up.

No one questioned where they were going, so Shinichi just followed Sonoko to another part of the restaurant, a little further from the others. And it only made Shinichi feel restless, even though he tried to ignore it. What in the world did Sonoko want to talk about if she needed to take him this far from others? If she just wanted to fish for information about Julia, she could have done it in front of others. He had already told everyone about his fiancee, so it wouldn’t be a secret anymore. The same goes if she just wanted to hear how he was doing.

So he was sure that the reason for the distance was because she wanted to talk about the breakup. He started to be pretty sure that she was going to blame him for the breakup and his leaving without saying anything. Which would be stupid, because she would have had her chance and it was five years ago. It was a little bit late for that, and besides, since it was Ran’s decision and she got over him, he didn’t know why Sonoko would blame him.

But it was surprisingly nervous just to follow her, without knowing what she wanted to talk about. And even though he was over Ran, he wasn’t in the mood to go through that case all over again. He had done his share already, wasn’t it time to let it go once and for all?

Finally, Sonoko stopped and turned to look at him. Shinichi stopped in front of her and put his hands in his pockets, waiting. It was surprising how Sonoko hadn’t seemed to change at all over five years. Well, maybe she looked a little more mature and used more makeup, but still, she seemed to be the same one as back then.

She opened her mouth, then shut it. Then she took a deep breath and tried again, but let out a sigh. She looked frustrated.

“It’s been five years and you don’t have anything nice to say to me?” Shinichi asked and smiled. “I’m happy that some things never change.”

Sonoko glared at him for a moment. “Kind of wish you would have stayed where you were”, she said. Shinichi let out a laugh. If someone else had said that to him, he would have maybe felt a little bit bad, but since it was Sonoko…

“Well, now I am more than happy that I made that trip”, he said. “This made it worth it.”

“I’m happy to hear that”, she said before straightening herself. “Okay, I’ll go straight to the point, okay?”

“Fine by me”, Shinichi answered.

Sonoko closed her eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath. Then she met his eyes. “Are you sure about your marriage?”

Well, that… he hadn’t waited. Yet, he kept his eyes on Sonoko’s. “I am”, he answered.

“Hundred percent sure?”

“Two hundred percent sure”, he answered.

Sonoko narrowed her eyes. “Like if you could marry anyone you ever want, she would be the one -sure?”

Shinichi let out a sigh and looked away. “You know, if you want to marry me, you could just ask, and I would answer no”, he said and looked at her again. “I’m sure I want to marry Julia, okay?”

“As sure as you were with Ran?”

Shinichi stared at Sonoko, who stared at him back. Why in the world she was worried about his marriage? It wasn’t a surprise that he couldn’t follow Sonoko’s thoughts, because to be honest, Sonoko had always been the kind of girl who didn’t act most of the time like Shinichi would predict. Even though Shinichi had known Sonoko as long as Ran, even though he knew Ran and could predict most of her actions or words, Sonoko was totally another thing. She always seemed to surprise Shinichi with her decisions, and they weren’t always good ones.

But this time he couldn’t even guess what she was after. Not at all.

“Listen”, he started finally. “I loved Ran, I really did, and of course, I thought that we would fix our problems and I would ask her to marry me and we would have got family together. But like you know, things didn’t work out. Things changed”, Shinichi said. “And we moved on…”

“First of all, she didn’t”, Sonoko interrupted.

“She did”, Shinichi objected. “She was the one who was happy and free after our breakup. She was the one who jumped to other relationships like I didn’t matter anymore.” He let out a sigh, trying to keep those memories away. “And I don’t say she did anything wrong, okay? She had thought about it, and she knew she wanted someone else. And I’m happy that she moved on.”

“But she is still single”, Sonoko said.

Shinichi shrugged. “And what could I do for it?”

“She is single because she hasn’t found anyone like you”, Sonoko explained, though, for Shinichi, it didn’t mean anything. “We both know that she could get anyone she ever wanted to. And I believe that the reason why she hasn’t found the one is because she still loves you and wants to be with you.”

He doubted it. “Has she said that herself?” Shinichi still asked.

Sonoko frowned. “No, of course not”, she answered. “But it’s clear.”

“It’s your speculation”, he said. “Who knows, maybe she just hasn’t found anyone who she would like…”

“Yeah, because she is searching for someone who is like you.”

Shinichi let out a laugh. “Nonsense.”

“Besides”, Sonoko continued, totally ignoring him. “The day, after you two met first time after five years, we met after that.”

“Ran said that much”, Shinichi admitted.

“And she was looking sad, she was in her own thoughts. And after I asked, she told me that she met you and that you had a fiancée.”

“Yes, because I introduced them…”

“No, that’s not the point”, Sonoko interrupted. “The point is that she was sad, bothered by it. Because she still loves you and waited that you would come back and you would give her a chance, but then you had fiancée and she was shocked and sad about it.”

He just stared at Sonoko, and he wasn’t sure what to feel. Well, he was sure that what Sonoko said, would explain some things. The day they met first time after five years, he remembered how Ran’s behavior had changed when Julia tried to introduce herself. The day they met in the cafe, he remembered how Ran’s mood had gone down a little bit when he mentioned that Julia wanted to meet her. And the day she and Julia had met, he remembered how Ran had seemed to be a little bit off…

But… It couldn’t be, right?

“Did she say so?” Shinichi asked again. Even though he knew the answer.

Sonoko let out a laugh. “Of course not, you know her”, she answered.

“So again, this is another your speculation”, Shinichi said, feeling a little bit frustrated. “Listen…”

“But you also know that she is a terrible liar”, Sonoko interrupted again. “Come on, if you would have been there, you could have read the same from her face and behavior! It clearly bothered her, and even though she didn’t admit it, it showed that she still loves you and was so disappointed that you have someone else who you are going to marry.”

Shinichi still kept his eyes on Sonoko’s determined eyes, trying to find any kind of clue why Sonoko was doing this, what she was after… Maybe a hint of a lie or… or… something. But she seemed to be sure and spoke the truth.

And it was true that Ran wasn’t a very good liar, but he still wondered… Could she still really love him? He wanted to believe that Ran would have said something, but at the same time, he had known Ran for years, and he also knew that Ran always thought other’s best. Part of him believed that if Ran really had feelings for him, she wouldn’t say anything, because he loved someone else.

Which was a little bit troubling, but…

But wouldn’t he have seen it himself if Ran would have had some feelings for him? Of course, there had been moments where he had seen that something had been wrong with her, but those had been only a few moments. Moments that had been gone, and he had been sure that he had just imagined them. That he was just thinking too much, or… or something.

Ran wouldn’t love him anymore. She made that decision and was sure about that. Nothing would change my mind, she had told him. So where in the world she would have got those feelings back? If she had still loved him, would she have moved on so easily?

But maybe it was Sonoko who hadn’t gotten over them. Sonoko had always been there for them, so maybe their breakup had been more shock to her than to them. And now that Shinichi was back in Tokyo and all, maybe Sonoko had seen some kind of chance and decided to fix things and get them back together like before.

Knowing Sonoko, that wouldn’t surprise him. But things didn’t work like that. She needed to understand that things were different now and even when she meant well, she needed to let go of them.

“You are imagining things, Sonoko”, Shinichi said finally and let out a sigh. “I know you supported us and I’m still grateful, but you know, things changed. And I’m the one who to blame.” He shrugged, trying to move his memories from the past away. This wasn’t the right time to go through them. “Besides, she was the one who started to date others. Believe me when I say: She moved on, okay?”

Sonoko inhaled, and Shinichi knew that it wasn’t a mark to give up. He opened his mouth to interrupt her before she could say anything else, but he wasn’t fast enough.

“And second, you didn’t move on either.”

Shinichi shut his mouth and surprised, stared at Sonoko. She looked at him so determined, so sure… “What are you talking about?” he asked finally and let out a laugh. “I did. I’m over her.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I am.”

“You still love her.”

Shinichi wanted to laugh it off and tell her that she was joking, but somehow he felt irritated and angry. For many reasons, on many levels.

“So”, he said finally. “You believed that I’m faking my love for Julia and going to marry her just for fun?” And even the thought made him boil. He couldn’t believe how Sonoko, from all the people he had known, dared even suggest something like that.

“I don’t say that you wouldn’t love this Julia-san”, Sonoko said, looking a little bit softer. “And to be honest, I don’t even know anything about you and her, but… Come on, if you really love her that much, why you haven’t talked anything about her? Tell anything more than how you met and how you are going to marry her?”

“What else there is to tell?” Shinichi asked frustrated. “No one has asked anything, and I don’t feel like I need to force anyone to listen about my life.”

“But anyone else seemed to be so excited about their own marriage.”

Yeah, Shinichi didn’t deny it, but… “I haven’t met these people in many years”, he claimed. “I don’t expect anyone to be interested anymore in what I am doing or where…”

Sonoko shook her head. “That doesn’t explain anything.”

And I don’t even wait for you to understand, Shinichi wanted to say. He had seen how silent everyone was when he told about his marriage. And he didn’t blame them, because their classmates had believed that he would end up with Ran. And he didn’t want to make a show about it. It was okay and he just wanted to have fun with others like in the old days, not to answer questions about what happened to him and Ran or that people would ask too much about it from Ran. Of course, he wasn’t sure if they had asked about it when he hadn’t been around, but no one had brought it up with him, so he wanted to believe that others understood that something had happened and that’s it.

Of course, he wouldn’t mind telling others what happened, but he preferred to have fun, instead of remembering something that hurt and made him feel sad, regret some things…

“This reunion isn’t about me, okay”, Shinichi said finally, when Sonoko didn’t give up. “We are here together, having fun, right? I’m not here to talk about myself and my fiancée.”

Sonoko hummed and looked like she wasn’t impressed. “Fine then”, she said. “Then explain to me why are you still looking after Ran?”

Shinichi just stared at her. Has he? He hadn’t, and he was sure of it. He hadn’t done anything special towards Ran. Yes, when they met first time, they had hugged. But he didn’t think it to be anything weird: They were still childhood friends, they had gone through so much. After five years, it was only natural, right? Yes, he bought Ran a piece of cake, but there wasn’t any meaning behind it. He had just wanted to be nice and offer something to her because she still was too polite to take anything. And there wasn’t anything special to introduce Julia and Ran to each other. They had wanted it.

There was nothing.

“I’m not looking after her”, Shinichi denied. “I haven’t done anything like that to her. Not today, not days before.”

“You stared at her.”

“I don’t”, Shinichi said.

“You do”, Sonoko insisted. “Hah, and don’t try to deny it! I have seen how every time you look around, you just stop to stare at Ran!”

But he hadn’t! He has just looked around like anyone else has probably done too! Yeah, he knew he had looked at Ran, how she had smiled and laughed with others, but he was pretty sure that he hadn’t stared at her any longer than anyone else.

“I have looked at others too”, Shinichi denied again. “Now you are just imagining things.”

“And why did you get so angry when Iwata-kun asked her out?”

“I wasn’t angry”, he said. “Ran just deserved so much better and we both probably agree with that.”

Sonoko nodded. “Well, true that”, she admitted before her face changed determined again. “But you looked so angry…”

“I didn’t”, Shinichi interrupted.

“And I saw how your hands clenched.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“But it bothers you, more than you think”, she continued.

“It doesn’t”, he hissed. He started to get enough of this.

Sonoko sighed. “Come on, Kudo! If you only would see how you look at her…”

“I’m not!”

And Shinichi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Yeah, he had shouted that, much louder than he had thought, but Sonoko was breaking limits. He didn’t remember that Sonoko would have ever succeeded in getting on his nerves like that. But now? She was gone too far, even for him.

“Okay, listen”, he continued when he felt a little bit calmer and opened his eyes to meet hers. “I know you mean well, I really do, but believe me when I say: Ran made her mind long ago. I got over her, and found Julia and fell in love with her”, he said. “So please, don’t interrupt with things that you don’t know.”

“And believe me, I’m not trying to break or destroy anything, okay”, Sonoko said more gently. “I have always wanted the best for both of you. And if you are happy with Julia-san, then I can live with that. But I don’t want you to do anything that you would regret later.”

“Sonoko…”

“If you would only see how you look at her, you would understand…”

“Hey, what's up you two?”

Shinichi felt how something tightened in his heart, but he didn’t move his eyes from Sonoko. It was like she tried to tell him with that one more glance to think about it until she moved her eyes away. Only then did he glance at Ran, who had come closer with her kind smile.

And suddenly he just had the urge to leave. Just… go back to the hotel, sleep, and tomorrow, fly back to America, and continue with his life like before, far from all these people.

“Nothing”, Sonoko answered and offered him a smile before turning back to Ran. “Just wanted to hear myself how our detective geek is doing.”

Ran let out a laugh. “Well, it’s been so long since we have been together like this”, she said. “Just three of us.”

Shinichi turned his head away and closed his eyes for a moment. He felt somehow so angry and frustrated and… and… to be honest, he felt like all his emotions were running so wild. Why in the world did others need to intervene in his life, his decision? Like he didn’t know what he wanted or how he felt? Why everyone needed to…

“Shinichi, are you okay?”

Shinichi felt how something touched his arm. Fast he glanced at Ran who looked at him worriedly.

Fine. That’s what he needed with all the other things.

“Everything is okay”, he answered even when he felt like anyone could have heard how it wasn’t more than a big lie. “Just didn’t remember how tiring it is to spend time with her”, he continued and nodded toward Sonoko.

“Just saying, you are more dryer companion than anyone else in this room”, Sonoko answered. “And most stubborn too, probably.”

Shinichi showed her a toxic glance before turning and going back with the others. He really needed something else to think about right now.

Chapter 5

[hotcinnamonsunset]

nancy drew and the case of the color work sweater🔍

[inkskinned]

"don't make it political!" .... what proportion of death and suffering must occur before politics are involved. if this isn't political, what is even the point of any politics, ever. of democracy. the words are "by the people for the people." if i am going to be left alone by my elected representatives to "figure it out" - to undergo damage, hardship, fear. what the fuck did i elect them for. what was their job. the entire point is that they handle this shit. this is why we were supposed to be electing leaders.

poverty is political. misogyny is political. gun control is political. climate change is political. how much aid a community gets is political. what the fuck are you talking about. it's been political this whole fucking time.

[originalartblog]

Don't forget to eat to keep the demons at bay

[introspectivememories]

was it casual when i sat in your lap in public? was it casual when i said "recently my heart is crying because you're leaving"? was it casual when we decided how your last name would fit with mine? ("yuki tsunoda-gasly" / "no tsunoda, only gasly" / "yuki gasly?") was it casual when we sang adele's "someone like you" together at your going away party? was it casual when i knew it was you just by touching your ass? was it casual when i knew it was you by smell alone? was it casual when "will you miss me?" / "for 2-3 minutes maybe" / "i'll take that. even if it's just 2-3 minutes, i'll take that"? was it casual when that bus was completely empty and we still sat right next to each other, all the way in the back? was it casual when i picked you up multiple times so you could dunk a basketball? was it casual when i begged to come over to your house multiple time and then you finally let me and we cooked fried rice together? was it casual when we played christmas twister together and i said "your big eggplant is touching my ass"? was it casual when we were pressed up against each other on a scooter going two miles per hour? was it casual when-