#it had only been a few months! in which i had a depressive episode and more life complications

[that-tall-queer-bassist]

hey, just as a btw, a fic or a series not uploading for a year doesn't mean its abandoned.

Sometimes the authors have shit going on, other wips, or! it just needs to sit and marinate for a bit. Collecting all the flavor and details it wouldn't have otherwise.

it's okay for updates to take a while.

And if you're impatient? Why not leave a nice comment telling us (the author(s)) what you love about the fic or series? say that you love it, and are "waiting eagerly for the next chapter" and/or that you "would love to see x or y happen because it would mean-"

This could be a new fandom vibe because of all the "i have to drop this while people are still interested" energy, but its not universal, and i don't believe its good for the fandom ecosystem.

Have patience, and have compassion. Remember that authors are human and these fics? (or comics, animatics, whatever) This is our art. We care about it just as much, if not more than you.

[0ceanic-cosm0s]

To the Hellfire - chapter 0

[Josh Washington x F! Reader]

3.2k words

masterlist - zero - one

chapter wrote by @sharkology & @xghostcr0wx

⚠️CHAPTER WARNINGS⚠️

[self-harm mentions/references, in-patient setting, blood, mental health issues]

An in-patient facility was not the place you were expecting to spend your month, but it's not surprising considering your track record of mental health problems. Ever since you were young, you had a bad habit. Self harm. The feeling gave you a blissful relief, and seeing the red left you distracted from the outside world.

It was the easiest and best way for you to cope. Sure, the medications your parents got your doctor to prescribe you helped somewhat. But the anguish and depression that constantly consumed you didn't ease up much. And after a severe manic episode, your parents had enough and admitted you to the Ocean View mental hospital.

That's how you found yourself in a month stay. It was really bad at first. You were screaming, crying, begging not to be taken there. The whole intake session you were inconsolable, asking how long you had to stay there. When you first heard '30 days' come out of your assigned therapists mouth, you felt like fainting.

It wasn't all bad though, you met a guy around your age. His name was Josh. He'd just arrived there the day before you. Before meeting him, there was a whole process of frisking you by staff and making you strip to check for any previous wounds or sharp objects. They give you a fresh pair of the hospitals clothes to change into afterwards.

You say goodbye to your parents and hug them when you're done; they each kiss your cheeks with a tearful eyes and wave farewell. One of the staff leads you through hallways and into the 'day room' where all the other patients are put in during the day to have some freedom and relax.

Necks are broken and voices quiet to look at you when you enter, countless eyes boring into your soul. They were interested to see who else was damned here. Your anxiety starts to fill your nerves as you walk over to an empty table, avoiding all eye contact. You just wanted to be left alone to calm down.

The chatter starts up again, only now a few eyes were on you. A specific set in particular however, found you. Intriguing. The stranger strolls up to your table, not even asking if he could sit with you and takes the empty chair beside you, a lopsided smile adorning his lips as he speaks in a deep and somewhat slurred tone.

"Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Josh." He says as he extended a hand out to you.

He was a fairly built guy. Short, brown locks for hair and an interesting shade of green for eyes. His skin was a olive toned, brownish shade. He looked tired, and exhausted. Eyebags hung underneath his eyes, but who's wasn't in this place?

You stare at his hand for a second, contemplating if you really feel like making friends right now. But considering the fact that you'll be there a while, you decide on being friendly.

"Likewise, I'm [Y/n]." You return his handshake, finding it hard to keep eye contact. The only thing you could think about at the moment is how much you didn't want to be in the hospital to begin with.

"So, what's it like here?" You ask with curiosity. "Best to know what's in store for me, right?" You add on in a light joking tone, causing Josh to crack a smile.

"Yeah well it's no luxury hotel, I can tell you that much. I haven't been here long either, only since last night." He admits which makes you visibly deflate, the fear of the unknown starting to get to you.

Josh notices and tries to save the mood.

"Hey hey it's not all bad, on the weekends we get to play games and let loose." He says and is only left with silence. His eyes look around the room for a bit before speaking again.

"Yeah this place fucking sucks." He admits, earning a laugh from you and causing him to smile wide.

Thus, you began sprouting a friendship with Josh in the mental hospital. It mostly consisted of you guys hanging out in the day room, sitting next to each other, cracking jokes, and talking about life at home. That's when you found out why Josh was in-patient in the first place. The death of his two sisters, Hannah and Beth.

Josh was really good at hiding his mental problems, using jokes and dark humor to cope with his trauma. There was only one time where his facade slipped, and it wasn't even in front of you. It was during the middle of your stay. You could tell Josh was acting different that day too. He was a bit more quiet, talked lower, and zoned out a lot more than usual. When he was eventually called away by his therapist to have their daily session, you felt instant bordem sink in.

There wasn't much you could do on weekdays. A TV was mounted on the wall, but the movies you could watch were very limited. You zoned out, thinking about what events in your life led you here. That was until you heard an agonizing scream from outside of the day room, down the halls. A scream that you could only recognize as Josh's voice. A lot of the words he was saying were muffled and inaudible, but you could make out a few words like 'fault' and 'prank'.  You couldn't quite understand what was going on and you could tell he was distressed. An hour later, Josh was back from his therapy session and he walked out like nothing happened. You tried not to act awkward about it, but it was a weird moment. You brushed it off and didn't say anything related to it since you assumed he'd tell you if he was comfortable with it.

He never went into detail about what happened with his sisters. It was so vague, you had to piece together that they were dead in the first place. You never pressed him about it though. You knew it was a very sensitive subject, since it's the cause of him being here in the first place. On the other hand, you didn't mind opening up to him on why you were there.

You would show him your scars when no prying eyes were looking once you got comfortable enough with him to share. They were, gruesome. Is how he'd put it lightly. The first time he saw them he made a pretty clear surprised face you mistook for disgust, your insecurities flaring up a bit. But he quickly apologized and carefully caressed your shaking arm with a calming gentleness.

"I-I'm sorry, [Y/n], I just. I've seen some nasty stuff from the other patients but yours takes the cake." He tries to joke with a nervous laugh. It doesn't make you feel better though. He sighs, and retracts his hand while you two sat in silence for a few moments.

He speaks up hesitantly, trying to figure out how to lighten the mood when a thought comes to mind. "If it makes you feel better, even in the slightest. I think they're beautiful." Your eyebrows furrow in confusion. "What do you mean?" He sighs, lowering his eyes to the ground while rubbing the back of his neck trying to gather his thoughts.

"It's like. It just shows that no matter how much pain and suffering you've been in, you're still here. You're still living. You exist. Your scars show what you've had to endure and that you made it to another day." His capturing green eyes look up at your [e/c] ones, trying hard to convey the sincerety in his voice.

"I just find your strength admirable, ya know? I hope that makes sense.." He smiles anxiously, hoping to the Gods he didn't make himself look like a bigger idiot. He waits a few seconds for your response-when you finally manage a small smile at him.

"Yeah. It makes sense." You softly say, appreciating his words. His grin widened at your smiling face and you two continued chatting about whatever came to your minds the rest of the day.

Both of you became close, as close as a mental hospital would let you. If the staff found out you were sharing your last names with each other, you'd get in trouble. It was strongly discouraged because 'you're here for treatment, not to make friends.' That didn't deter you and Josh though. You ended up learning his last name, 'Washington', and he told you about how his dad is a popular movie director. You kinda had a hunch his family had a lot of money but you didn't expect them to be that rich. He explained how he owned a mountain as well as how him and his friend would go visit their lodge for a few days to a week in the summer and winter. The way he explained the getaway trips made it sound so fun, leaving you longing for an experience like that.

"That sounds amazing!" you'd exclaim everytime he talked about the lodge.

"Next time we go, I'll invite you. I promise." He'd always say, you both making a quiet promise with your pinky fingers. But you never knew how serious he was. You never kept your hopes up about seeing him after you got out, you knew it was a small chance since both your hometowns were hours away from each other.

That was until he slipped you his phone number on a tiny slip of paper. He gave you a playful wink, indicating that you know what to do with it when you get home. It was the last exchange you guys had before Josh was discharged, leaving you to stay there one more night. The last day without him was the hardest. It's like he brought life into the place. You were practically spending everyday with him for 29 days straight, and you got used to his playful presence. It would be a lie to say you didn't develop a small crush on him during your time together.

The second you were out of the hospital and made it home, you just wanted to run up into your room, lock it, and text Josh-clutching the small piece of paper with his number on it close to your chest; brimming with excitement. But alas, your parents wouldn't allow you a moment to be alone. They showered you in love and affection, presenting gifts to you left and right the second you guys stepped inside. You tucked away the paper with a sigh, reminding yourself you'd be able to talk to him soon enough.

After a few hours of hanging in the living room and talking about your stay at Ocean View (only barely mentioning Josh as you didn't want them to question you for another hour) you tell them that you're exhausted and that you wanted to sleep. They reluctantly agree after they insisted you sleep in the living room with them so they could keep an eye on you, which you shut down immediately and reassure that you'd be fine alone.

You hug them goodnight and lug up all the gifts into your room, swiftly locking the door and hurriedly pulling out the notepaper and your phone-punching in the digits a little too eagerly. You already craved his ridiculous jokes and teasing. Once you added his contact, your finger hesitates over the typing section. 'Would he respond?' 'Would he want to talk?' 'Did he actually care about you?' 'Was he pretending the whole time to be your friend just to hurt you in the end for his own entertainment?'

Countless worrying thoughts filled your mind, and your anxiety begins to build. You felt the urge to self-harm to help deal with the stress you felt, even if it was something so minor. It's just how your brain processed these things. But you manage to suppress it somewhat. You take deep breaths, using breathing exercises like your therapist suggested to do when you got like this. Once you calmed down, you began to shoot him a simple text:

You: "Hey Josh, it's [Y/n]. Sorry it took me a bit to text, my parents were talking to me for what felt like forever. How've you been?"

You contemplate if this was a good text; if it seemed too desperate or corny. But you close your eyes and hit send anyway. Conflicting thoughts ran through your brain if this was a good idea or not. You were told it was strictly forbidden to ever become friends with people in the mental hospital by the staff and your therapist because it might be dangerous for both parties. You didn't care during that time, thinking: 'It can't be that bad, right?' And now, you weren't too sure, your overthinking thoughts swirling around like a typhoon.

Until a few seconds later you heard a 'ping' come from your phone. You immediately open your eyes to see what it was; hoping for Josh. And your heart raced when he responded.

Josh: "Well if it isn't Ms. Marbles finally remembering about lil' old me. Took you long enough"

Marbles was a nickname Josh gifted to you so generously in the mental hospital in reference to you quite literally losing your marbles-the cause for you to get admitted. And ironically enough, you really enjoyed playing a marble game with him during game nights so it was a two in one combo.

You roll your eyes with a sigh, relieved that he texted back and also the faint annoyance at such a cringe nickname, but it still made you smile nonetheless.

You: "Marbles? Really? Couldn't keep that dumb name back in Ocean View?"

Josh on the other side of the screen was smiling wide, happy to finally talk to you again once more. He missed your company and voice dearly.

Josh: "You wound my ego, Marbles! I'll have you know I'm the greatest nickname giver in the whole world. So be honored that you were personally given one by me ;)"

You scoff at the text. He was always such a complex and interesting guy. But his shenanigans were amusing to you, so you often didn't mind them. You kinda got used to the name overtime anyways when he'd see you in the day room and call you over by it constantly. Even though you acted like you hated it, deep down, you felt special the moment he gave you a nickname.

For the next 9 months you and Josh continued to stay in contact. You would text, call, Skype, and even play games together like Minecraft from time to time. You got close to each other over the months you spent chatting. He even finally confided in you, albeit the tinest bit, about the death of his sisters.

And you were growing on Josh too. The one thing he'd look forward to everyday is a text from you. Even if he didn't tell you that, even if you didn't know, it still meant a lot to him. He cherished the time you spent together, it didn't matter it was through a screen.

Some time at the end of January he invited you to his 'Anual Blackwood Winter get Away'. You were honestly excited to see him again, and you couldn't wait to hang out with him without having staff breathing down your back 24/7.

So of course you said yes and accepted the invitation. You knew it wouldn't just be you and Josh, his friends would be there too. You also knew that his friends were the indirect cause of his sisters deaths. You honestly didn't know how he was still able to hang out with them in the first place, but he said they expressed terrible regret for their actions which is fair. Only 2 of his friends weren't in on it, which you guess is a comforting thought. It's not like you already hate his friends, you just thought the prank was in bad taste and resulted in a terrible tragedy that no one saw coming. You just felt bad for Josh the most, he's the one who had to face the repercussions of his friends actions; losing both his sisters. You could definitely see it still affected him. No matter how much he insisted he was over it, you could tell he was still grieving.

You were there for him as much as you could be, through a screen. It seemed like he had a friend, Sam, who has been helping support him through this tough time in his life. You're thankful for that.

The day arrived when you had to get ready to go to leave for the trip. You woke up extra early, making sure you had enough time to take a shower and go over everything you packed the previous night. You texted Josh after your shower, asking him about the details of transportation. He said you were supposed to take the same bus as Sam to the mountain, since she was one of his most closest friends, he wanted you two to potentially bond and already have a good connection. You were a little anxious to meet her, but he's told you a lot about her and she seemed to be a really cool person you'd get along with.

You start getting dressed, choosing a warm yet stylish outfit. You slip on black thermal leggings, white leg warmers and black snowboots, a blue and white pleated skirt with a matching blue sweater, a cute black leather jacket over, and white earmuffs. You put the earmuffs around your neck to stay until you reach the mountain.

After checking all your essentials and making sure you had everything, you place your duffle bag over your shoulder and grab your phone-putting in wired earbuds to listen to music while on your way to the bus station during the car ride. Your parents dropped you off, making sure you packed your meds and your charger. They hugged you tightly good bye and drove off. You sat on a bench and began scrolling through your phone as you felt a tap on your shoulder.

"Hey! [Y/n], right?" You look up and recognize the blonde haired girl as Sam, from pictures Josh would show you. You give her a polite smile and nod, taking out an earbud and offer a hand for her to shake.

"Yeah, that's me. Nice to meet you." Sam shook your hand, it was soft and warm.

"Likewise, I've heard lots of things about you from Josh. And I mean a lot. He really likes you, you're a good influence on him." Your heart skipped a beat at her words. You didn't think he'd talk about you that much to his friends. But it made you feel happy he thought of you like that.

You two sit and talk for a fat minute, until your bus arrived. Sam and you step aboard, taking a seat close to the back together and continue chatting, talking about each other while the bus drove off to start the journey to your destination.

⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊☽ ◯ ☾₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆

[a/n] omg y'all chapter zero is done and chapter one is coming soon as hell so stay tuned!

-From

🦈 & 🦇

[winstonsns]

may i request the gang w a reader who has bpd? like, frequent mood swings, etc etc? tysm 💕

the gang with bpd!reader (request)

authors note: bpd stands for borderline personality disorder, in which the person has long patterns of unstable emotions. could last for weeks or even months, basically episodes. i’m not that educated on this subject, so sorry if this is offensive. enjoy 💗

includes ponyboy, johnny, soda, darry, dally, two-bit and steve

word count: 2.1k

warnings: depression, fights, slightly suggestive

PONYBOY CURTIS

you haven’t been in the right headspace for the past few weeks, so your grades started to slip

ponyboy would try and help you do your homework, even doing your homework for you but you wouldn’t have the energy to even try

but then, you had a test and you tried real hard to get a good grade, studying and stressing all over it for days

after you took the test and got your grade back, seeing it was an A, you suddenly felt better

at the end of the day, you and pony decided to go back to your house to study

he noticed you were talking more and laughing, so he asked you what happened

you smiled and told him you got a good grade on your test, for the first time in a while

you switched the topic and continued smiling, and pony looked at you with love

he was glad that you were feeling better, and he suspected you’d stay happy for weeks

he sometimes gets confused when you randomly switch but doesn’t say much about it

he’ll ask you about it later but not in the moment, especially if other people are there too

he knows you like it when he reads to you, so when you’re feeling upset, he’ll read to you so maybe you’ll feel better

he doesn’t want you to get frustrated if you’re not included in things, so he’ll always invite you to his track meets and will tell you about all the drama that happens if you don’t know about it

when you’re in a depressive state, he’ll help you plan things and start a routine

he just wants you to feel in control so you know what to do and have a sense of purpose

he also asks soda and darry for advice since they know you’re going through stuff, so occasionally they’ll help you out too

JOHNNY CADE

his parents were yelling at him so he went to your house, he knew his parents wouldn’t care

the only thing he was worried about was the fact that you were still in a depressive state, and he didn’t want you to feel more sad because of what he was going through

so when he knocked on your door and you answered, your eyes lit up and you smiled widely

he was shocked and didn’t know why you were so happy, but smiled back at you

you told him you were happy to see him unannounced, but asked why he came by

he told about what happened, so you invited him in and made cupcakes together

he knows what it’s like to be in a depressive state, so he’ll always try and help you feel in touch with the world

he tried to help you focus on things more and really take in information while paying attention

like focusing on how things move or sound, how strong smells are and how loud things are, how specific tastes are sweet, salty, hot, etc

when you’re happy, he tries to keep you like that by randomly checking up on you to see how you’re doing

he’ll also offer to do things for you like carrying or cleaning things for you

he just wants to make things easier for you, but of course that doesn’t always works

johnny loves you and makes sure you know it, always telling you you’re amazing and beautiful, that he appreciates everything you do, etc

SODAPOP CURTIS

you were at soda’s house, waiting for him to come back from work

you weren’t feeling that great but were trying your best to make him think you were at least feeling ok

when you hear the door opening and a creak, you look over to see soda with a dairy queen bag and two drinks

seeing his smile and the fact that he thought about you enough to bring you food made you switch

you got up from the chair and walked over to him, he put down the food

you put your hands and cradled his face while giving him a long kiss, then tracing your hand down his chest

after the two of you pulled away from the kiss, he looked down at you with a smile and said “glad you’re feeling better, sweetheart”

he’s naturally a very bubbly person and is a romantic at heart, you cannot change my mind

he literally worships the ground you walk on and will do that no matter how you’re feeling

if you’re feeling extra bad and hardly have the energy to get out of bed, he’ll take some days off work to spend more time with you

he just wants you to feel good but doesn’t always know how to handle it

he knows what it’s like to feel unheard, so he checks up on you a lot no matter how you’re feeling

when you’re happy, the two of you will go on cute little dates together

he’ll buy you a pretty necklace for your date and it’s an S for his name

when you’re angry, he’ll always try and calm you down without yelling

you try your best to not yell either since both of you know it doesn’t get you anywhere

DARRY CURTIS

you weren’t feeling that good for the past couple weeks ever since pony and johnny ran away

you stayed at darry’s house for a while, he was worried sick about the two boys

then you heard the phone ring, so you looked at darry, and he motioned you to go answer it

you got up off the counter and into the living room, where the phone was ringing loudly

picking up the phone, you said, “y/n l/n, what do you need?”

the person on the other end asked, “is darry curtis there? his brother and friend are in the hospital.”

your eyes went wide and you felt happy that the boys were back, but scared as to why they were in the hospital

you put the phone down without answering back, and ran to darry to tell him what had happened

he yelled for soda to come down since they had to go see pony and johnny in the hospital

he immediately went out the door and drove you two to the hospital, and you went to the floor where pony and johnny were

when you saw pony sitting on the chair, you smiled widely

darry was happy to see you feeling good again, but was still worried about why pony and johnny where there

he can get really impatient and frustrated with you at times but tries to stay calm because you can’t control how you act sometimes

most of the time, he knows when you’re struggling and tries to help you

so sometimes he’ll schedule an emergency therapy if you’re in a really bad mental state for whatever reason

he really cares about you but doesn’t always have the time or patience to try and reason with you

when you’re happy and feeling good, he’ll take you out to different places

sometimes it’s a restaurant and sometimes it’s just a little activity for you two to do together

he really likes cooking, so he’ll make food for you and will try new recipes

he’ll ask you to help him out with cooking since he knows you like to be a part of things

when you’re feeling sad, he tries to get you out of that mindset as soon as possible

he’ll still include you in hangouts in hope that you’ll feel better

DALLAS WINSTON

you were in one of your episodes, specifically one where you were mad all the time, which lasted for a few weeks

you knew you couldn’t do much about it, but dally would always try to get you out of the pissed off mindset

he always tried to make you feel better, even though most of the time, it wouldn’t do anything

he still wanted you to know he loves you, even if you wouldn’t appreciate it in the moment, you would appreciate it later when you were feeling better

today was your birthday, however, so dally took you out for dinner and actually paid

that got you out of your mad mindset, and he saw the moment you switched over to being happy

seeing that might’ve made him the happiest he’s ever been, knowing that he was the one to get you to switch over

you smiled and apologized for how you acted a few days ago, the two of you got into an argument

he brushed it off and said it was okay, and the two of you continued your dinner

when you were in your depressive episodes, he would help you shower, eat and go on walks since you hardly had the energy to get up

he would bathe you and buy you meals so you could eat

making you go outside at least every few days, the two of you would go on walks since he wanted you to get fresh air

when you were feeling mad, and you would feel that way for weeks, he would mostly stay away even though it was difficult for him

you were feeling happy and told him that if you were being all pissy at him, he should just not talk to you

you didn’t want to ruin your relationship or say something you didn’t mean, so you don’t him not to interact with you at those times

he still would, though, he would do little check ups on you to see if you were feeling okay, or if you wanted anything

if you were happy, he tried to keep you in that state for as long as he could

he thought you would stay happier if he gave you things, a lot of attention, and was overall with you more

it did work for a bit, until you randomly switched over, but he didn’t understand why

he would get impatient and frustrated with you at some points, but always managed to push through since he cared about you so much

TWO-BIT MATTHEWS

feeling bad the past couple weeks, two-bit decided to invite you to hang out with the gang

he just wants you to get some fresh air and to socialize with others, since you hadn’t in a few weeks

all of you were getting milkshakes at a diner and were talking

you drank a bit of your milkshake when two-bit started talking

then he made a joke about someone at another table, and of course everyone laughed, including you

he looked to you and smiled, weirdly proud of himself for getting you to feel better

he’d always try to make jokes even if you weren’t feeling the best

when you aren’t feeling that well, he’ll bring you to the drive-in so you can spend time together and just to try to help you feel better

STEVE RANDLE

the two of you were randomly talking while he was on his break at work, you decided to visit him at the DX

both of you were sitting down in the back, eating burgers and drinking soda

he asked you how school was going for you, and your eyes lit up

you started moving your hands around a lot and kicking your feet, talking about a fun project you were working on with your friends

he listened and continued asking questions in order to lengthen the conversation since you seemed excited

you didn’t think much about how you were down and now you were happy, so you started talking about some drama between a boy and girl in your class

he was normally the one to talk, but enjoyed hearing you talk more than you normally did

when you’re not feeling the best, he’ll bring you into the DX so you can help him fix up cars

it’s just a new thing for you to learn and to hang out with each other

he’s weirdly smart in some ways, so he’ll occasionally help you with history, since he was always into that

when you were feeling really happy, he’d invite you to hang out with the gang

he knew you appreciated it and would invite you whenever he could

(if you can’t tell, i never have ideas for steve so sorry)

authors note: sorry i’m posting this late! i hope you guys enjoyed reading, sorry if this was offensive or really unrealistic. i’m making a chocolate cake so maybe ill show you guys when im done :3💗

[cultofdixon]

Lost in your own mind

Daryl Dixon • She/Her Pronouns • We all have hard days and sometimes we need our partners to hold us just to make it a little less hard • ANGST/SFW • TW: Depression

Requested by: Anon

I…don’t quite know what’s happening.

The Saviors war ended…I should be happy, right?

Well…Abraham died…Glenn died, and Maggie has to raise her son alone…

Rick kept that monster alive…

Our family split into the communities…

We aren’t…all together anymore.

I don’t know what’s happening anymore

“Are you going home soon?” Carol asks Daryl as she comes to check on him after taking a month's watch for the Sanctuary.

“Just finished getting my shit together.” The archer states dropping his bag by his bike, noticing Carol’s concerned expression which bubbled his own. “What? What aren’t yea saying?”

“Y/N missed a few trading days. Michonne went in her place and wouldn’t really…tell me what’s happening”

I knew it was a mistake to go. I just—-“Is she—-“

“No! No, thankfully. That’s the only thing Michonne would update me on. She doesn’t know why Y/N hasn’t left the basement you two call home. Rick would send food down with Judith so she couldn’t say no to it. I think she’s depressed”

“Could that have been because I left to do this?”

“Hey, there’s no need to blame something or someone. Sometimes people fall into a depressive episode without a reason…” Carol leaned against the loading dock crossing her arms and avoiding his eye contact for a moment. “It could be because we were in survival mode during the war that we couldn’t feel anything else”

Daryl nods to her words taking it in and realizing that explains a lot of the feelings almost everyone affected by the war has been having.

“I…You sure it ain’t cuz—-“

“Daryl, if you’re talking about the moment…the exact moment after the war just ended? You know she understands why you pushed her away but that was months ago. Not everyone is going to feel everything that happened to them because of Negan and the Saviors right when the war is over”

Hell, you’re still going through it

You’re still back there.

Daryl rode his bike throughout the night have escorting Carol back to the Kingdom to make sure she got home safe before going back home to Alexandria. He knew his mind was racing on the endless possibilities of Y/N could be doing while in this episode but all she did was not leave their home beneath the Grimes residence.

The archer was greeted by a few friends as he entered the community, and was informed that Rick and Michonne weren’t in (Jude being watched by Aaron). So he’ll be alone with his partner until the Grimes return.

To his surprise, Y/N was in the main kitchen when he opened the door entering the quiet home. She kept her attention in front of her at the jammed bread she just had prior to Daryl coming home.

“Hey” His voice was softer than normal in case he startled her but she only acknowledge his presence a short moment after he spoke. A bit unphased.

“Hey…did you just get back?”

“Yeah, uhm. The watch is over so…” Daryl brought himself to sit at the kitchen island as Y/N picked up her plate and knife bringing it with her to sit with him. “Carol came by before I drove back. You feeling okay?”

“Uhm…No” Even in the state of mind she was in, she wouldn’t lie to Daryl. Not only would he be one of the few to see right through the lie, but she didn’t have the energy to keep it going if she did. “You hungry? I…made it but I’m not really feeling it anymore”

As the plate was pushed in his direction, Daryl took the knife she had cutting it in half and giving her the other while he ate his.

“Yea made it for yourself. I’ll share it but least have some of it” After he said such, Y/N picked at it at first before deciding to finally eat it.

They sat in silence for a bit and Daryl relaxed when Y/N brought her head to rest on his shoulder but her body tensed. As if she was afraid to do such, like…he’d disappear again. He brought his arm around her shoulders feeling the tension in her shoulder finally relax.

“Let’s turn in, yeah?”

“It’s not too early?”

“Nah, come on” Daryl gave a small smile before getting out of the seat taking her hand into his making their way to the basement.

It wasn’t a basement exactly, just a living quarters underneath the main house.

It was…well exactly how he left it. Looked as if he just moved in and nothing was made for it to look like their home so it brought back the moment.

“Daryl?” Y/N calls out to him as he walked away from the scene of Maggie falling to the earth sobbing while Michonne comforted her even if she sided with her husband.

“Daryl!” She called out following him into the forest watching him stop abruptly making her freeze in her place.

“Do you agree with what he’s done? With Rick’s stupid decision to keep that bastard alive”

“Is this a loaded question for me or a simple…” She quieted herself when Daryl turned toward her with an annoyed expression. He didn’t mean to. “No I don’t agree with what Rick has done”

“Will you hate me for mine?”

“What?”

“I…just need a moment alone. I don’t want you to think that I don’t need you or nothin’. Before this whole fight we were gonna…settle? Be us. Then I got taken. You got attacked. Our home got set ablaze. It’s a lot and…”

“Daryl…just. If I come to you, don’t push me away. I’ll give you what you want but I…”

“If you call, I’ll be there.”

Y/N knew that were true but she got stuck in her own mind from all that happened that she didn’t want to flood what could be going on in Daryl’s. Even if in this very moment, Daryl wanted to know everything going on. Just a word would do.

His partner got into the bed while he got out of the clothes from the day. Y/N already wore sweats as she’s been dressing more comfortably the past month since she hasn’t left the walls. He glances at her through the mirror on their shared dresser seeing her sit comfortable by the pillows but keep a blank gaze.

Once the archer got his boots off, he got comfortable in the bed beside Y/N and before she laid down he opened his arm for her.

“Come here, sunshine” He whispers watching her lay into his side feeling his hand gently rub soothing motions on her back. “I’m not going anywhere” he states pressing a kiss to the top of her head as she shifts to bring herself more into his embrace. “Everything’s okay. You are okay” he whispers to her feeling her tighten her grasp on him.

“Nothings…wrong” Y/N exhales a shaky breath feeling him hold her closer. “I’m fine you know…”

“I do” Daryl replies keeping his hand rubbing circles on her back feeling her head turn into his chest. “You are fine, you are going to be fine”

It happened slowly…the tears that sprung from her eyes as she cried into her partner’s chest feeling him tighten around her in a protective manner pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“I’m never leaving you again”

[katz-chow]

hiiii, i love your writing so much <33 can you do a cod ghost x afab reader where maybe ghost gets emotional while they’re being intimate with each other? (in a good way, he’s overwhelmed with how close they are and how gentle the reader is being.) reader stops and comforts him and he gets very verbally vulnerable which is rare for him. i guess this would be sort of a fluff hurt/comfort sort of thing? preferably a shortfic, but you can make it long if you want to (i just wanna give simon a hug :((( )

heaven's outreached hands

synopsis: after a long, long time, simon has decided that in the warm glow of your shared lamp in your shared bedroom, that he wants to feel you and truly take back what is his: his body aka: what the ask said!

warnings: smut, hurt/comfort, allusions to prior SA, gn!reader, mentions of attempted suicide/OD, mentions of depressive episodes

a/n: i, too, want to give this poor man a hug as i've said in my previous fic with him. maybe this is our hug to him...honestly, i needed this hurt/comfort more than i thought i did. thanks anon for this!! so sorry this took longer than i expected, i got sick :(

Dating Simon is a test of your patience and determination. And you took on that responsibility like the champ you are. He made it clear when you had first started seeing each other that he’s not…a typical partner, that he needs you to be patient with him, and be gentle with him.

And so you did, You did everything you could, letting him have a few days to himself after every time he came back from his mission. You cooked for him when he could only make cup noodles for himself every few days or so. You even made him take vitamin supplements and locked up his meds, coming over to his flat every day to give him his dose. He loves you for everything you’ve done for him, so he saved up and asked you to live with him. 

It’s been months and he’s been acting weird around you, more shy than usual and almost hesitant. He lays next to you in bed, a hand caressing yours as you smile at him—nothing but the warm sheets and his fingers dancing around yours. 

“Lovie…there’s something I’ve…wanted to ask you,” He started slowly, again with that hesitant tone filling his voice. 

You smiled at him, holding onto his finger as a sign of comfort, urging him on. “What is it?”

He pulled you closer to him by your hand and you agreed, shuffling under the covers to get closer to him. He whispered, taking your hand and kissing it, “I want to try and…get intimate with you.”

You’ve both talked about this before, having sex that is. And the most he’s ever told you was that he doesn’t have a good relationship with sex or anything regarding that. You held his hand and sat across from him, listening and telling him. You both decided to wait a while longer until he was sure he was willing and okay with it; you assured him you could wait. And you did. And he was okay with it now. 

“Are you sure, baby?” You asked him gently, your thumb rubbing his hand and then sliding up slowly, hovering near his cheek. 

He looked at you, anticipating your touch against his cool skin. Your gentle fingers brushed against his skin softly, he let out a downturned smile. “Yeah…I am. Is that okay with you?”

You nod, letting your hand fall entirely onto his cheek, fingertips messing with his growing blonde hair. You told him you liked his hair, he grew it out for you. 

He smiled and pulled you close with a strong arm, kissing your lips lightly. You leaned into him, allowing him to kiss you with more rigor. Simon’s arms snaked around your waist and hoisted you up and over him, teasing at the hem of your shirt. You pulled away from him and took it off, allowing him to take in full view of your bare chest. 

Eyes gazed up at you, glossy, adoring, and lustful, a way you’ve never seen them before. “You’re so beautiful, Lovie.”

“I wish you could see yourself in the same way my eyes do.”

You’ve lost track of time with him, the way he carves you with his soft, but powerful grip on the flush of your skin. The warmth of his cock, slowly dragging against your slick, velvety walls. It was different; it was gentle. He whispers against your ear in between his groans and grunts when you squeeze around him. Simon chants “I love you”s like it’s a prayer against the newfound gloss of both your skins. 

He had you straddling him, your chest in his face, as he gripped your hips, guiding you down unto him. Big arms wrap around your waist, his face burying into your stomach. Your hands raked through his hair, holding onto him while you bounced on his stiff cock. But soon, you felt him tremble underneath you, and a small “you okay?” made its way out of your mouth.

Simon looked up at you, tears prickling his eyes, “Lovie…”

You gasped as you lifted yourself off of him, his arms still loose, but against your skin nonetheless, allowing you to sit on his thighs. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t…I don’t know.” He gasped as small tears fell from his eyes. Like his hero, your thumbs wiped them off as you held his face. “It just…feels good with you.”

Your face falls and you give him a slight grin, “Aw baby, I know…I know.” You cooed at him, getting him to chuckle and hide his face into your neck. 

“Feels different with you, ‘m not used to it,” he sighs, letting you pet his hair. You kept your promise with him, you weren’t fast and rough, using him like he’d fear. You treated him like porcelain, not just some toy for your own pleasure. “Not like…like before. Wanted it this time.”

It clicks in your head what he was saying and you can hear your heart breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. He feels warm underneath your touch like he burns for you. You provide, he hesitantly takes. “I’m so sorry, Si…I didn’t know.” “It’s alright, I like this.” He pulls you in close to him, breathing in your familiar scent. “Love you…and your smell.” 

Simon is here with you, truly here with you. His mind and body and spirit and all that he has is displayed for you to consume as yours. No longer will he recoil at the slightest of touches, flinch at an outreached hand when he’s naked of his gear, no, he’ll accept you as you accepted him. 

“I’m not scared of you, Lovie, never will be.”

[starstruckbyacomet]

Brilliant Minds vs. 9-1-1

A True Lover vs. an Abusive Lover

A post from @bugboybuck about how Brilliant Minds is telling a queer love story (Wolf x Nichols) compared to 9-1-1 (Buck x Tommy) intrigued me. If anyone interested, here's a playlist of Wolf x Nichols' story on YouTube:

A. SIMILARITIES & DIFFERENCES

There are things in the Wolf x Nichols's love story which are similar with Buck x Tommy's of 9-1-1:

Dr. Josh Nichols (a.k.a. Nichols) is a gay man in his 40s.

Nichols is a military veteran, who survived the DADT era.

There's a period when Nichols didn't appear on screen.

Nichols broke up with Dr. Oliver Wolf (a.k.a. Wolf) when their relationship was still new.

Sound familiar?

And here's how Brilliant Minds is telling its queer love story better differently:

1)) Interactions between Wolf and Nichols are front and center. They're collaborating a lot in handling high risk medical cases. It helps that both Zachary Quinto (who plays Wolf) and Teddy Sears (who plays Nichols) are main casts, like Ronen Rubinstein and Rafael Silva in Lone Star. Thus, Wolf x Nichols' relationship is treated more like Tarlos' relationship than Tevan's.

2)) Wolf fought for their relationship. Brilliant Minds depicts Oliver Wolf as a genius and relentless doctor. Wolf does anything and everything for his patients. He broke a bunch of hospital rules, challenged the head of neurosurgeon (Nichols), took a patient out of hospital right before a scheduled surgery to grant the patient's last wish. Even when a patient gave up and wanted to die, Wolf didn't give up. Thus, when Nichols broke up with him, Wolf also didn't give up. He fought for another chance with Nichols.

Wolf's attitude is very much in contrast with Buck's. On episode 4x05, Athena has said that being Buck meant never give up. However, Buck's attitude after Tommy broke up with him is pretty much giving up their relationship.

3)) Nichols' presence could be felt even when he was not on screen. When Nichols had to attend a medical conference out of the city, his name was mentioned in conversations. Wolf had been sending him voice messages (Wolf didn't have a mobile phone), until finally Nichols sent Wolf a mobile phone as a gift. Wolf was also seen receiving a call from Nichols using his brand new mobile phone. Each of those scenes only last a few seconds, and Nichols was not physically present in them, not even his voice was. However, the audience could feel his presence, and feel that their love story is continuing.

How is this contrast with the way 9-1-1 treated Tevan? Oh, where should I begin? @do-androids-dream-ao3acc has posted signs that the show has undermined Tevan's relationship once Season 8 started, even before the break up:

Nobody ever mentioning Tommy, not even Buck.

Not one kiss in all of those episodes, except the fleeting cheek kiss in the break-up episode.

Six months and still no obvious inclusion of Tommy (back) into the 118 group, except when he was accompanying Buck who was waiting for Denny's surgery in the hospital.

After the break up, the signs are even more clear:

Buck was flustered when talking with a woman during his anniversary date with Tommy. Despite making Buck seemed rude and tactless, what is the actual purpose of this scene? It seems to remind the audience that Buck is still attracted to women, hence laying the ground for Buck's rebound relationships which most likely will involve women.

Buck didn't seem to mourn the break up. He was channeling his supposed brokenheart into baking, but he didn't seem to be grieving. He seemed anxious/upset when talking about Tommy, but not mourning or depressed. His demeanor even back to normal on the scenes when he didn't talk about Tommy, like on emergency scenes, or while watching Hotshots together with his team. Heck, Tevan fans have been grieving the relationship more than Buck has.

They made light the break up by having Buck baking. The show might want to emphasize the 'comedic' side of this supposed 'romcom'. However, it came off as tone-deaf since the audience was grieving more than Buck was.

People close to Buck seemed to want him to move on instead of to be back together with Tommy. In Season 7, Bobby said Tommy was good for Buck, and Henren asked Tommy about his intention with Buck. However, after the break up, no one seemed to talk to either Buck or Tommy about it. They even took Buck's phone away in one ocassion, prevented Buck from contacting Tommy and having a discussion with him like adults.

B. THE MIXED SIGNALS

Despite the above negative signals, the show has also been giving baits positive signs about the possibility of Tevan's reunion:

Buck is still in a baking frenzy because he is supposed to be still thinking about Tommy.

#TommybubblesBuck in episode 8x07 "Hotshots".

In a Screen Rant article, Tim Minear blatantly mentioned about the possibility of characters' return, including Brad and Tommy without promising anything concrete.

So far, we have been receiving mixed signals about Tevan's reunion:

If they haven't planned for Tevan's reunion, why did they show #TommybubblesBuck? It would be easier if they showed that Tommy went cold turkey on Buck.

If they've planned for Tevan's reunion, why didn't they made the 118 family showed more concern/support on the relationship? It would more make sense if Bobby/Hen/Maddie encouraged Buck to talk to Tommy.

If they have planned for Tevan's reunion, WHY DID THEY SEND MIXED SIGNALS AT ALL???

It is clear that Tevan's relationship is popular. Their kissing scenes went viral...twice, and the unusual amount of complaints about the break up indicates that even some parts the General Audience want them to be together. The queer love story has also attracted new viewers to the show, some of them are among us in this fandom. If they've planned for Tevan's reunion, there is no use in giving negative signals. It could even make people misunderstand and stop watching the show, thinking that Tevan has broken up for good.

Sending mixed signals becomes made sense when we realize that THEY ACTUALLY DIDN'T PLAN TO MAKE TEVAN REUNITED.

There's already one established queer couple on the show: Henren. Having another queer couple incures a risk of upsetting the majority of the audience. However, due to its popularity, making the break up permanent also incures a risk of losing a part of audience, who has been watching the show mainly for Tevan.

The safest way to keep most of the audience is by giving the majority what they want, while implying other things to the 'non-majority, but-quite-significant-in-number' audience. It is possible that they plan to do tommybaiting until near the end of this season, before finally showing Tommy up to bait the audience to watch the next season. After all, they've been baiting Buddie stans for 6 years and counting. They made Buck admired/envied Eddie's physique. They made Maddie teased Buck about his boycrush on Eddie. They made a stranger in Santa Clause costume thought that Christopher was Buck & Eddie's son. They made Buck Christopher's legal guardian, although insisted in an interview that it was a platonic gesture. They made Eddie showed up in front of Buck, right after TK implied that Buck was queer. They made Eddie talked about beard, right after he mentioned that he was straight. They made Buck sat next to Eddie in his underwear on 8x06. They've been giving mixed signals to Buddie stans all these years, to keep them watching & supporting the show, without ever making Buddie canon. They could apply the same strategy to a slightly different group of audience.

C. THE ABUSIVE LOVER

@hunter470 has pointed out how bad the show has treated Tommy and Tevan's love story overall. It is even more obvious when being compared to the way the show treated Brad Torrence, the fake captain of Hotshots. I hadn't fully comprehended how bad it was, until I watched Wolf x Nichols' love story in Brilliant Minds, then compared it to Tevan's. It is similar like being in an abusive relationship. You didn't know how bad you've been treated by 9-1-1, until you experience what a healthy relationship with Brilliant Minds can give you.

At this point, I'm convinced that only a risk of losing audience could move the show to make Tevan reunited. The rating of 8x08 "Wannabe" is better than 8x07 "Hotshots", so I don't know whether us boycotting the show would be effective or not. Probably not. However, I plan to keep boycotting, for the slight chance of it'll help making Tevan reunited sooner, and to retaliate their deceitful way of baiting more viewers by promising a properly handled queer love story.

[forest-hashira]

2 Be Loved

this has sat in my drafts for... idk exactly how long, a month at least, because i was trying to decide if i even wanted to post it here. i wrote this for myself when i was Going Through It with my depression. now that i've sat on it a while, and i've generally been doing better, i've decided it's time to go ahead and share this. i hope you all enjoy it, and that it brings you some level of comfort or reassurance if you need it 💜

read on ao3 here | wc: ~2.4k | cw: gender neutral reader, plus size reader, mental health issues (reader is in a depressive episode), emotional hurt/comfort, some fluff at the end, really this is very self ship coded

You’d spent practically the whole day in bed. And the day before that, and the day before that, and probably the day before that, too. You’d lost count, honestly; all the days bleeding together and blurring in the fog of your mind. 

This was far from the first time this had happened, and you knew it would also be far from the last. Your emotional state had been a rollercoaster for most of your life, and had only become more volatile in the last few years. You would be fine, until you suddenly realized you were decidedly not fine, with some realizations being more gentle than others.

Like this time, for example. You hadn’t suddenly buckled under the weight of the world, but instead had woken up one morning and felt paralyzed; even just the idea of getting out of bed, for any reason, felt insurmountable. So you simply… didn’t. You stayed in bed and slept between episodes of your favorite TV show, grasping for anything that might stop you from sinking further into the depths of your depression. 

Satoru had been as patient as ever, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead and whispering a little “I love you,” before he’d left for work. He knew you struggled this way sometimes, and had never been anything but supportive and loving. Suguru had called in “sick”, opting to spend the day taking care of you, which mostly consisted of slipping in and out of sleep all day and occasionally bringing a snack from the kitchen. Satoru had joined you back in bed as soon as he got home from work, effectively squishing you between himself and Suguru, where you were helpless to do anything but let them love you.

It had reduced you to tears, shoulders shaking as ugly, half choked sobs tore themselves from your chest. They had let you cry, not rushing to try and quiet you as they might have done when they were younger; they let you get it out of your system, only stepping in to comfort you when you started to speak. 

“I’m sorry,” you’d cried, eyes shut tight as you tried to avoid their gaze. “I’m sorry I’m…” you’d struggled for words then, losing them between your hiccuping sobs and the darkness that clouded your mind. 

“I’m too much,” you’d come up with eventually. “My emotions are too messy, and my mind doesn’t work right… I feel like all I do is cause problems for both of you. Like all I do is hold you back and drag you down.”

You hadn’t seen the look they’d exchanged, the pain that pinched their features, but you had felt the way they pressed in closer, as if they could crush the depression out of you. 

“You are not too much,” Satoru had murmured, gently tilting your head up to meet his gaze, his cerulean eyes sparkling in the low light from the lamp on your bedside table. “You could never be too much, not to me – to us.” His thumb brushed lightly along your cheekbone, delicately wiping the tears from your skin even as they were replaced with more. “We love you so much, y’know? I love you so much. Taking care of you is not a chore, or a burden.”

You’d shaken your head, unable to believe his words. “You can’t possibly mean that.”

“But we do,” Suguru had been the one to speak that time. “You mean it when you tell me the same thing when I’m depressed, right?”

“Of course I do.” There wasn’t any hesitation as the words left your lips. “Taking care of you is a privilege.”

“Then why can’t you believe we feel the same way about taking care of you?”

His words had left you reeling, so much so that you almost didn’t hear Suguru when he continued. 

“Satoru’s right, angel. I love you. We adore you, and we want to take care of you. Always.”

As Suguru had hugged you tighter with one arm and pressed gentle kisses to your shoulder, he’d placed his other hand on your white haired lover’s hip, keeping him as close as possible. Satoru had been eager to oblige, snuggling into you as much as possible. He’d brushed your hair from your face and pressed a kiss to your forehead, one hand cradling your face while the other reached across you to settle on Suguru’s hip. They had effectively caged you in, both with their bodies and with their love. It had shattered you, reduced you to tears again, but they hadn’t minded; they were there to hold you together, to pick up the pieces when you couldn’t do it alone. 

Through some unspoken agreement, your boys switched places the next day; Suguru had gone into work while Satoru had called out “sick” to take care of you. They did their best not to leave you alone for too long whenever they could help it, but they could only get away with calling out sick when everyone knew the two of them were perfectly healthy; when the higher ups knew that you were the one keeping the two special grades and teachers from fully doing their jobs.

A few days passed with your lovers taking turns staying home with you, until one day they both called out to stay home, though you didn’t realize that at first, since Suguru was quick to return to you in bed, holding you close as you drifted off again, faintly away of the sound of the front door closing and locking before you were fully asleep. 

When you woke up again, the first thing you were aware of was the fact that you were alone in bed. At almost the same moment, though, you heard music coming from what you guessed what the kitchen, though you couldn’t quite tell, since the bedroom door was shut; wherever it was coming from, it was definitely upbeat pop music, so you knew for certain Satoru was the one who had turned it on.

With no small amount of effort, you pushed yourself into a sitting position, rubbing your eyes for a moment and yawning before you crawled off the bed on Satoru’s side. You shuffled over to the dresser then, opening drawers and grabbing clothes pretty much at random. You wound up in a black sweatshirt and a pair of light blue sweatpants, both of which were at least two sizes too big for you, which even your fuzzy brain knew meant they weren’t actually your clothes; they belonged to your two giants of lovers.

Once you were dressed, you turned back to the nightstand, grabbing one of Suguru’s hair ties to pull your hair out of your face with, and, after a deep breath, you decided to brave the kitchen.

Opening the door to the bedroom allowed you to fully hear the music that was playing, and you were a little surprised to realize it was in English, rather than Japanese. Satoru liked to listen to anything that was happy and upbeat enough, but he – understandably – had a bit of a preference for J pop music. 

Still a little surprised by the music choice and a little foggy from sleep, you make your way to the kitchen in a bit of a daze. Both Satoru and Suguru were in the kitchen: Suguru at the counter, mixing something in the stand mixer, while Satoru danced around to the music, occasionally trying to steal a bit of whatever Suguru had in the mixing bowl, and being effectively swatted away every time. You stood in the doorway for a few moments in silence, just watching them in utter adoration.

Eventually, though, Satoru noticed you, and he got a bright grin on his face as he raced over to you. “You got out of bed!” he gushed, wrapping you up in a tight hug and pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m so proud of you, mochi,” he murmured against your scalp, and something about the nickname in combination with the praise made you feel like you were going to melt into a puddle right then and there. 

Just as suddenly as he had engulfed you in a hug, the white haired sorcerer was releasing you, lunging for where he’d left his phone on the counter by the bluetooth speaker he was using for the music. You watched curiously as he opened his playlist, hastily skipping through a handful of songs before he got to the one he was apparently looking for. Seeming pleased with himself, he made sure the song was playing, turned the volume up a little bit, then turned back to you with that sparkling grin of his. 

You blinked in surprise when you heard the singer’s voice, and you looked up at him with a look of complete bafflement. “I didn’t know you listened to Lizzo.”

He sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. “No, baby, you gotta listen to the lyrics!” he insisted, taking your hands and doing a very small little dance with you right there in the doorway. 

Though part of you wanted to argue, you had never been good at resisting your energetic lover, and this time was no exception. Before you even nodded, Satoru already knew you’d given in to him, and he pulled you a bit closer to himself as he started singing along with the lyrics. And not quietly, either: he sang them with all the enthusiasm in his body, and though you hated to admit it, it was contagious, even in your depressed state.

By the end of the first verse, you were smiling, a small laugh escaping you at your lover’s almost puppyish behavior. When the chorus came around, you started singing along as well, and you noticed belatedly that Satoru was singing the lines of the background singers, rather than the main chorus, like you were. 

“Am I ready?”

“You deserve it now.”

“‘Cause I want it!”

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about.”

“Am I ready?”

“You gon’ figure it out.”

“To be loved, to be loved.”

Your singing faltered then, and you stared up at Satoru for a moment, suddenly realizing why he’d picked this song to serenade you with. He stopped singing as well, smiling gently down at you as he watched you fit the puzzle pieces together in your mind.

“We’ve always been ready to love you.”

The sound of Suguru’s voice from behind you caused you to startle a bit, but you looked up at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. 

“Are you ready to let us love you again?” His tone held no resentment, no bitterness, only gentle adoration, and you were certain that if Satoru didn’t still have a solid grip on your hands, you would have sunk to your knees with the overwhelming realization of how much these two men adored you, despite how much your mind sometimes tried to convince you they shouldn’t.

Unable to find your voice, you nodded, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill down your cheeks. You allowed your eyes to flutter shut for a moment as Suguru leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of your head, but just a few seconds later, Satoru was tugging you back into his space, spinning you around so your back was to his chest. The song was still playing and he was apparently still determined to get you to dance with him.

Suguru laughed softly at his lover’s antics, shaking his head slightly at Satoru and offering you a slight shrug when you looked up at him for some sort of explanation.

Now the subject of Satoru’s whims, you allowed him to dance around the kitchen with you in his arms, still singing along with the song, though now his volume was lower, as he sang the words down at you. You smiled, allowing yourself to get lost in the warmth of his love, even if his fingers were cold where they wrapped around your own. 

“He call me Melly, he squeeze my belly.”

Your eyes flew open as Satoru sang the words, his chilly hands coming down to squeeze at the soft flesh of your stomach, the touch pulling a rather undignified squeak from your lips, but he just continued to beam down at you. He wasn’t going along with the lyrics of the song to make fun of you – he’d expressed to you enough times that he adored the soft pudginess of your body for you to know he meant it – but it still surprised every time he made sure to pay special attention to the squishier parts of you.

The sound of your squeak pulled another laugh from Suguru, and though at first you were planning to glare at him, you couldn’t go through with it; not when his expression was full of so much love and relief. He crossed the kitchen to reach you again, whatever was in the mixer long forgotten in favor of you. When he reached out for you, going to him was easier than breathing. He pulled you close, pressing his lips to the crown of your head as he swayed around the kitchen with you. The movement didn’t match the energy of the song at all, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. You were safe and secure in his arms, and Satoru had enough energy for all three of you; it was impossible not to watch him as he danced around the kitchen, white hair and blue eyes shining, and he flashed you that brilliant grin of his every time he caught your gaze. 

Things weren’t suddenly perfect; Lizzo and dancing in the kitchen was not a magical fix-it for the irregularities in your emotional state, but it was certainly a stepping stone back to your normal. And you knew, without any doubt in your mind, that you would have the support and full confidence of your lovers behind you every step of the way. They were your way back to yourself, after all. Suguru was your anchor in stormy seas, tethering you to something real, something sturdy; Satoru was the lighthouse calling you home when the waters calmed enough for you to move again.

i hope you guys have enjoyed seeing some of my other stuff i hadn't yet shared here! though i can't promise when i'll have anything new, know that i am working on things now + am preparing things for my upcoming milestone event!!! take care of yourselves as best you can 💜. divider by cafekitsune

tagging: @kentohours @mitsuristoleme @marinnnnnnnnn @witchbybirth @peachdues

[banquetwriter]

୨୧ untitled ୨୧

pairing: Johnnie Guilbert ♡︎ Reader

warnings: ୭̥⋆*｡ crying, major deppression

summary: ʚ you go through a depressive episode and Johnnie helps ɞ

Words: 1777

An: so this was horrible for me to write and I'm so so sorry

Guilt was racking through your body. You don't have any energy left in your body nowadays, it's the reason you haven't posted in almost two months. It's the reason your room and subsequent house are filthy. It's the reason why no matter how hard you try you never ever seem to fit in.

Your cheeks are tear-stained, and you haven’t washed your face in god knows how long. You've showered sure, but you haven't done your proper skincare in weeks.

Your depression has been a part of your life for as long as you can remember. It gets better, sometimes, other times it drains you of everything you have. Every day felt like a battle for you. You sigh looking at your phone it is almost 4 pm.

Your boyfriend, Johnnie, had texted you almost 2 hours ago. The rough nights you experienced led you to wake up late in the afternoon, so the plan usually involved Johnnie heading over whenever you woke up or after he was done filming.

He has wished you a good ‘morning’ and to let him know when he could head over. You wanted to indulge, truly you did, but Johnnie didn't deserve that. He had enough in his life to worry about. There was no need to worry him with your pathetic life.

The issue is you couldn't keep him on the hook like this. You sighed picking up your phone, you numbly typed out a plain excuse, telling him today wouldn't work. You put the phone down and roll over in your bed again.

You sat curled in a little ball staring out your window. There were crows sitting on top of the next-door building. You sat and quietly observed the birds, watching them move side to side. You wish life were that simple, all you had to worry about was eating and flying around.

You didn't have to worry about the eternally crushing depression that sucks your life form. Your face heated up again with the thought of Johnnies, tears pooling in your eyes.

You missed him so much. He was such a caring loving person, it wasn't always easy for him to show that. He had his ways though. Always make sure you eat, get decent sleep, etc.

Your relationship was usually the opposite way, you know just how much he struggled. You were going to be there for absolutely all of it no matter what. Nothing was going to stop you from loving him. He shouldn't have to worry about you.

But he did, it was the reason why when he saw your texting while editing he immediately called you. You were always such a beacon of positivity for him. He knew the signs, from himself and his friends. You had stopped eating unless he forced you to.

You were wearing long sleeves and sweatpants only. You never went out, just stayed in your room. He can't even remember the last time you said more than a few words to him in a single conversation. He placed the phone next to his ear and nervously tapped his foot on the floor of his room.

“Hello?” you answered with a croak. Johnnie never called you unless he really really missed your voice. Which for him was usually the case when it was nighttime. Those were extreme cases, he hated talking on the phone and absolutely despised it. Too many nerves for him.

He didn't speak for a second, half expecting you not to answer for some reason. “Hey,” he starts. You hold your breath for a second knowing what the conversation was about before he even started to speak.

“Can I please come over? I'm worried about you.”Johnnie says over the phone, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket. You inhaled with a shaky breath. “You can. It won't be a lot of fun though,” you mumbled back to him fiddling with your piercing.

“Well- when can I come over?” he asked. This awkward tension filled the phone line, the systematic white noise causing your heart to beat heavily. “Whenever you want Johnnie I'm not leaving the house anytime ever,” you reply sarcastically earning an annoyed grunt from Johnnie.

“I can be over soon, I'll let you know when my Uber shows up and I'm on my way ok?” He knew your bad attitude was because of something, and no matter how much it was upsetting him he needed to be here for you.

You on the other hand could cry from guilt. How dare you be a pathetic sack all day, cancel on your boyfriend only for him to kindly offer to be there for you and you are rude to him? On top of that, he has to pay to drive to YOUR house! “No Johnnie don't call an Uber I will come pick you up.” you offered, standing up and searching for your keys.

“I thought you weren't leaving.” he rebutted. You took a deep breath, “but I love you, so I'm not gonna make you pay to cheer me up ok?” you spoke finally finding your keys. “I don't want to stress you out.” you heard over the phone.

You tried to fight his kindness but after a minute it was clear he wasn't going to let you drive. Today was a relaxing day for you, at least it was supposed to be.

You were a protector, it's what made Johnnie fall so in love with you. You were so kind and caring for him, constantly taking care of him when he had those days when he just couldn't take it anymore.

You never did it with the intention to receive it though. So when Johnnie knocked on your door and you trudged to open it for him it shocked you how much he did care.

You tried to make yourself look strong but as your eyes locked tears pooled crowding your vision. You turned away from the door and him as you covered your face with your hands.

You couldn't stop the pull of dread that filled your heart. You felt your knees touch the floor as you collapsed onto the ground. You could hear the door close and Johnnie rushed to your side. He was speaking about something, maybe he was saying how you were going to be ok.

Maybe he was begging you to tell him what was going on. You weren't sure. All you could focus on was ringing in your ears, the thumping of your heart, and the crocodile tears that leaped from your face.

His hands ran against your back and shoulders. Eventually, you were able to look up at him. He wasn't wearing any makeup, just a hat with a button-up and skinny jeans. All you could mutter out was a broken “I'm sorry.”

Your voice cracked and shattered as you spoke. Your boyfriend and the love of your life stared at you back, his face heating up his own tears forming. He sat with you behind your couch on the floor.

“Let's move to the couch,” he said his voice coming out falsely confident, you shook your head, yes taking his hand that helped you up. He wasn't used to helping people like this, he would try his best and maybe give advice.

But he tried to do what you did with him. He sat you down on the couch, taking note of your appearance. You had dulled messy hair, dark almost permanent circles under your eyes, you looked pale and gaunt your face seemingly shrunk.

He rushed away from you, getting you a cup of water, something you did for him without fail. He set it in your hands knowing the coolness would ground you. He moved to your side sitting down next to you. He hesitantly placed his hand on your chest feeling your heartbeat.

It was rapid and intense as he pulled you close to him, wrapping his other arm around you and tilting his head on your shoulder. As you slowly sipped the water between hiccups he felt your heartbeat slow and your breath wasn't so rapid. You were calming down.

Once you finished your cup you set it down and shifted so your head was resting on his almost bare chest. He moved his hat off and sat normally on the couch as you cuddled up to him. He wasn't sure what he should say that could help.

After all, he wasn't very good at this but he so desperately wanted to be. “I don't know when this really started for me. As long as I can remember I was different. Things that seemed so small for other people worried me so much,” you spoke, finally breaking the silence.

He knew some of your past and struggles but nothing too deep. He wanted to hear them from you. This was the best way to do that. He didn't say anything yet, he just looked down and observed you as you played against him.

“I felt this feeling when I was all alone and it was cold and rainy outside. It was almost like a shiver up my spine. I was feeling so safe and protected all alone like that, if I hadn't frozen I could have stayed in the rain forever.” he wasn't sure where exactly your story was going but he knew you and he also knew it was important.

“I was so comfortable with being alone, that stayed with me. There are days more often than not when I cannot do anything. I sit and rot in my bed all day, I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't do anything.” Johnnie did not know that. He knew since he was busy with filming you often just stayed home.

It doesn't sound like that was a good thing, however. “I am drowning but I've pretended to stay afloat for so long. I'm so fucking tired Johnnie I don't know what I'm going to do anymore.” Your voice was calm but powerful.

You didn't move but you could hear Johnnie's heartbeat increase. “I haven't taken care of myself in so long.” this was whispered, for a second you weren't sure if you had said it out loud. You suppose you did when Johnnie pulled you away from you, your confession hung on the air like wet clothes.

He took a second before he nearly engulfed you with a hug. He squeezed your whole body tight, “Please don't leave.” was all he whispered in your ear. He cradled your body tightly. He slowly started to rock you back and forth. The lull of his body slowly sent you to sleep.

[seungkwanniee]

TAKE CARE OF ME , I'LL BREAK

pairings : boyfriend!seungkwan x gn!reader

genre : angst

warnings : (episodic) depression , mention of starving , crying , reader is said to have pale skin , naked body (completely inncoent)

wc : 1.6k

synopsis : just you struggling mentally and Seungkwan is by your side

an : if don't know what episodic depression is, its basically depression but that come and go in period that can last weeks or months. !!!please, don't read if you are not comfortable with this kinda of topic!!! I hate the ending but I got tired of writing more...

〔masterlist〕

Seungkwan always know when something is off: he tends to look alot, especially when it comes 'bout you, he looks at every single move and can detect how you are feeling like you are an open book, which it's kinda like that for him. It's so easy to read throught the lines and since you two spend a lot of time toghter, even though he still lives with his roomate Jeonghan and you have your own apartment, he know your habits. You love to have your house all clean, every object at their own place, he even calls you crazy because, yes, maybe you care about it way too much. Sure you never been a lover of hanging out, you enjoyed more inside dates but you would never say no to him and his park dates, especially the long walks near the river talking about everything and nothing.

Now everything is gone: suddently, within a few days, you don't even leave the bed. The house is getting messier day by day, your bedroom floor was covered with clothes you don't have the energy to put back on the wardrobe that stands open since the last time you leaved the house. Some plates and glasses are laying on the desk or on the sidetable, dirty from the little amount of food you managed to eat. The rest of the house was like no one lived here, untouched, like no one putted feet on for a long time and it wasn't wrong at all since you leaved the bed just to not starve yourself completely. Your sleep schedule was insane too, you managed to sleep even for 13 hours straight and you still don't know how you've done that.

Everything was boring and plain, nothing interested you anymore, nothing had your attention. All you do was scrolling on tiktok, instagram or watch video on youtube that you drop not even after five minutes because they were boring as well. Responding to the messages wasn't even an option, the group chat was exploding with messages you don't open since the last four days. Your bestfriend wondering where have you been, and maybe she was gettin lil' angry too but, by now, you would care less. The most important thing was your boyfriend, the only person you managed to text a little two days ago.

<i'm not doing well>

That was everything your fingers succeed to write after you brain told you he was tired and leaved him on read. You know he wasn't angry, he knew everything and there was no reason to get upset at you but you can't help the tears running down the side of your cheeks while your eyes kept staring at the phone riniging. Your body deep down wanted to touch that stupid screen but your brain wasn't in you side once again, you just couldn't do anything like you were paralyzed. You were barely crying, no sobs were coming out from your mouth, just few tears staining your cheeks. You were crying, yes because you weren't answering the person who cared about you the most and making him worry over nothing, but you felt so useless. You were pity, you were pity of youself, how someone can arrive to this state? how you arrived to this state?

You knew that it's something that will appear again and again, but what worries you the most is that you'll never know when. A day you can be the most energetic person then the next day you wake up and you struggle to leave the bed, just 'wanting to sleep a little bit more', and then you find yourself doing nothing all day, and the day after, and the day after again. The difference was that this time you didn't had Seungkwan by your side since he was doing a world tour with his bandmates, with still four days to go. He always knew what to do in these situation, he knew how to make you leave the bed and having a shower, he would prepare a special dinner and eat it with you, he would sleep by your side in the messiest room ever. He was like you second mother, like when you were kid and had got a fever, he made everything a little lighter to deal with.

It was the frist time dealing with it all alone since you got diagnosed and you thought it would be a never ending circle.

[days after]

<love?> a sudden voice fills the soundless house, Seungkwan isn't really waiting for an answer because he knows you are mentally drained, it would just overwhelms you trying to do something that you can't really do in that moment. You were actually asleep in your room, once again that week, but at least it takes you away from the reality. It wasn't bad that you couldn't stop crying or something like that, it was just so empty. The emptiness of your mind was driving you so insane, it was like living for days, all alone in an empty white room.

The soft touch on your cheeks made you slightly jolt, but as you slowly open your eyelinds and flutter your eyelashes you already know who is the person in front of you. His smell is strong and recognizable even after few weeks you didn't saw him, his finger still tracing softly your pale skin that didn't touched sun for days, on his face a hint of a smile but from his eyes it was visible his concern for you. As soon as they landed back to Korea, he sprinted to your apartment that even his luggage were still with him, but he can't help but to be mad morried. He didn't heard from you for almost a week, and he was glad that this happened now, when the tour was almost over and didn't had to wait more.

He wasn't going to say it but your whole room smelled, and the frist thing was you so he istantly grabbed the situation on his hands.

<you feel like talking right now?> he tilt his head to look at your laying on that cushion for how long he didn't even wanted to know, the only thing that mattered to him wss you were now safe under him. When he recives a shake of head back, he nods <it's okay> his smile was wrapping your heart slowly.

<do you think you can stand up? i'm gonna give you a bath, don't you think you deserve it, babe?>

his voice was sweet like honey and so soft that just by that he could warm you up. You stared blankly to his eyes just thinking how can someone can be so sweet, how someone actually cared about you, how he would probably do everything for you that you actually forgot to give him a proper answer, as he can't read your memory yet.

<i'm lazy> was everything that came out of your mouth before adjusting your position to sit more comfortable. His brown eyes were stuck in yours, while his hands started to wandering more now. His thumbs were tracing your cheeks at frist when they slowly made their way to your nose, your warm lips to just to end up into your hair. His expert hands grabbed your pink hair tie to let down your hair that by now theu must be very tangled togheter: you even forgot the last time you messed with your hair, they just sitted here in the messy bun.

<i'll do everything as we always do, mh? you just need to relax under my touch> he moved out of the way the few lock of hair bothering your face after gently grabbing your shoulder, stopping your back from laying on the bed. As you sit down the bed his hands lowered until they met your hands too and then looking into your eyes, trying to give you the strength to move your ass from that mattress that was asking for mercy.

Unexpectedly, your arm wrap his neck, making him lower to your height when a soft kiss is placed on his pink lips. You missed everything of him, his sweet scent to his soft touch and maybe that was one of the reasons of your relapse. Everything was going bad since he left for his world tour, unisveristy was getting more stressing day by day and the multipe failed exam were getting on your last nerve, and don't even start with your social life, you were quenstioning about everyone with the work at the resturant as the waiter just adding fuel.

You don't even realize when you arrived into the bathroom, Seungkwan's arms were too comfortable that made you feel completely safe to not worry what you were actually doing. Your legs dangling from your seat while your eyes were lazily observing his moves. He kneels in front of the bath making the warm water fall and fill it, the hand touching the water every now and then to make sure the temperature it's good for your body after he returns all of his attention back to you once again. His hands slowly caresses your thighs while his lips lends on the tip of your nose laying there a soft kiss, his breath was so near your face making you shiver from the warmness it brings to you. You close your eyes for some seconds at the touch after opening them again just to face his smile. He helps you to get rid of your clothes, making him see yourself one hundred percent now. You're completely naked on his eyes, but not just literally speaking, you always show to him your weakest side and he always know how to take care of it, that was all that mattered to him. You dont even need other people when you have Seungkwan by your side: the angel in person.

[rollinouttahere-writes]

helloo!! Can we please have dark chocolate number 13 with Ace pls \(//∇//)\ thank you!!♡♥︎♡♥︎╰(*´︶`*)╯🍫♡

Yandere Ace x GN!Reader

1.1k words

Prompt:

I’m so happy to have you here with me, I will never want anyone else. You have more of a hold on me than you’ll ever know.

It’s been a few hours since you’ve last seen Ace. An eternity in his book, barely a breath of fresh air in yours. During your precious alone time, you elected to stay in his cabin and tidy up the place. His tendency to just throw shit and leave it wherever it falls left the room in a chaotic state, and that got on your nerves given that this is where you spend almost every waking moment of your day.

Going out amongst the other people on the Moby Dick always left a bad taste in your mouth. They would give you pitying glances at best, but never lend a hand to help. They ultimately cared more about Ace’s well being than yours, and since your presence was directly tied to his mental state, your fate was sealed.

You never asked for any of this. No one wants to get dragged off onto a pirate ship because the captain of it got too attached. You had a glimmer of hope that you may be able to escape after the Spade Pirates were forcibly disbanded by the Whitebeard Pirates, but as already stated. They weren’t much help. At first they couldn’t even get close to you without Ace trying to kill them, but eventually he grew on them. Then they were helping keep you on board, lest he spirals. 

The relationship you had with Ace could be very draining. That fun, rambunctious side of him that had originally drawn you in was only a part of him. A front that he put on. In reality he was an intensely depressed individual that had become much more comfortable showing that side of himself to you.

In normal circumstances, this would be a heartwarming show of trust. Typically this would be a steady step in the right direction to build a healthy relationship, but nothing about your relationship was healthy. The exposure to his depressive episodes felt suffocating more than anything. While he would be sobbing into your chest and clinging to you for dear life, you would be forced to comfort your captor out of pure guilt from seeing him look so broken. You felt more like an emotional support animal than a human significant other some days.

Going back and forth between hating and pitying him was dizzying. Not to mention the bizarre form of codependent love that had been thrown into the mix. You never knew what direction your emotions towards him would go any given day, just like you never knew what kind of a mood Ace would be in.

It was exhausting. You felt like you needed a vacation to recuperate at the end of every day, but you of course never got one. So you would have to settle for the moment of peace you’ve been granted in this messy cabin.

The door is suddenly kicked open and you internally curse. Your quiet moment is done and over with now. You should have cherished it more.

Strong arms lock around your waist, heave you up, and spin you around. Ace seems to be in a good mood today, which is a plus. “(Y/N), I missed you!”

“It’s only been a couple of hours, you’re acting like it’s been months,” you muttered, more to yourself than him.

“What? A couple of hours is a long time, it felt like months.” He had mercifully stopped spinning and was looking around the room. “Where’d all my stuff go?”

You rolled your eyes, “All I did was stuff your dirty clothes into the hamper. Don’t know why you even have that thing seeing as you never use it.” It had a fine layer of dust that would gather over it in between your sporadic uses when you got fed up enough to clean.

“Not everything was dirty, most of those were still good!”

“It’s not “good” if you have to do like three sniff tests to determine that! Just wash that shit!” You were squirming to get out of his grasp, thoroughly irritated from bickering about you cleaning up his laundry.

Ace laughed and shrugged, “Maybe I’ll do it later.” Yeah right. He walked towards your shared, unmade bed and tossed you onto it before throwing himself on top of you. Oh. He’s feeling cuddly today. Great. Well, as long as he doesn’t start crying it won’t be so bad.

A kiss was placed against your cheek with enough force to squish your face, and then he unceremoniously flopped down, further squishing you into the mattress. Instead of using your chest as a pillow like he usually does, he nestled his face into your neck. His arms snaked underneath you to keep your bodies fully pressed together.

The man was a walking furnace, so you were already beginning to sweat. Such a thing didn’t bother him, but it was uncomfortable for you. Not that your discomfort was enough to deter him, you would be stuck in this position until he’d gotten his fill. This was far from the first time you’ve been subjected to this, so you knew what he wanted. One of your hands plucked his already partially dislodged hat from his head and tossed it aside so you could run your fingers through his messy hair, the other one rubbed slow circles on his back.

Ace hummed in contentment from your ministrations, and his body sagged more than it already had against your own. His hair was tangled, a common occurrence for anyone primarily living at sea. Your fingers worked meticulously to undo all of the knots. You weren’t particularly gentle with it, but he wasn’t flinching from every tug so you can’t imagine it was that harsh either.

For a while, nothing is said. Ace enjoys your company, while you feel obligated to acquiesce his wants and desires.

“I’m so happy to have you here with me, I will never want anyone else. You have more of a hold on me than you’ll ever know.” The words are spoken in a hushed whisper directly into your ear.

There it is again. That pesky, traitorous feeling of affection. The flutter of your heart from being so desperately wanted- needed even. Your impulsive inclination to comfort someone so clearly in need even though it’s absolutely not your job to do so. You wanted to “save” him almost as badly as you wanted to save yourself.

It made you question if he was the only one with serious psychological issues here. Have you always had this savior complex, or was it a recent development brought on by your living situation? 

This wasn’t something you wanted to think about today. You sighed and clutched Ace closer. Maybe it would be for the best if you just turned your brain off for a little while? Thinking too hard on your circumstances has never done you any good.

[maximumkillshot]

I Can't Lose You-Part 8

Warnings: Depressed Seungmin, Nightmares, Descriptions of Grief, Mentions of a Suicide Flag being raised, Sadness, If I missed any lemme know.

Pairing: BangChan x Reader

Characters: Stray Kids, Nurse, Reader, Dr.Yun

A/N: Hello Everyone we are back on the main storyline! Have fun I guess? Still sorry... so so so sososososoooso sorry.

I Can't Lose you Masterlist-CLICK HERE

Stray Kids Masterlist-CLICK HERE

ALL WORK IS UNDER ME AND MY BLOG. DO NOT TRY TO REPUBLISH OR STEAL MY WORK, AS THAT IS COPYRIGHTED UNDER ME AND IS CONSIDERED COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE. 

ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

Once it was clear that you were out for the count, everyone started falling asleep one by one. No one was willing to leave just yet. They wanted to make sure you knew that no one was leaving you. Eventually, it was just Seungmin and Bin who were awake. Seungmin noticed that Bin’s eyes started drooping, “Go to sleep, Hyung. I’ll stay up in case she wakes up.” He petted your hair back, making sure you were comfortable.

“If she needs me.” Bin looked down at you, worried…

“You will be the first person I wake up, okay?” Seungmin made a face, it was gentle yet insistent. He was going to get Bin to sleep whether he wanted to or not. It wasn’t up for discussion. Elder or not, Seungmin knows that he has been through hell, and even now Bin is fixed on you. He can see it. Bin is doing his best to piece together the shards left over. 

Bin looked up at Seungmin and said, “Thank you. I know it’s not easy, knew you were close with her, thank you for staying strong.” Bin wanted to say a hundred more things. He’s observant, Bin saw the way he looked at you. He also saw the tearstains on Seungmin’s face. The pain was written in his features as he looked at you. He noticed when Seungmin went to touch you for the first time after the episode, to lean forward and kiss your forehead, it was less of reassurance and more of a mutual pain. He couldn’t pinpoint the feeling at the time. All he knew was there was a lot that he didn’t know.

Seungmin just said, “We are all close to her. Not nearly as close as you. You need rest, Hyung. Don’t worry, I got it.” Seungmin was the only one awake for a few hours as everyone slept. He was looking at his mail order account, deleting all of the future purchases that would’ve been made as a surprise for the baby. He had everything in either pink, blue, or yellow. 

He stopped for a minute at the toy elephant that you gushed over one time at a mall, you loved the texture and you couldn’t get over the cute floppy ears on it. It was the first thing he saved on his list. He moved on to the educational toys that you had to have, the toy rings, and the play mats.

The one that really got him was the blankets with the month countdown to one year. He could see it in his head, you excitedly laying the baby down on it and taking a picture for social media, you circling the month during the editing of the photo.

While Minho is great at visualization, Seungmin is great at audiation, he can imagine sounds without them being present in the environment. Seungmin could hear you chirping at him, “Look at him, Minnie! Look at your cute little nephew Chanseung! I can't believe the time is flying by so fast! Who is that? That’s Uncle Minnie!” He smiled at the sound that he’d never hear. He stared at that blanket for a while, before forcing himself to delete it. 

He could feel the tears running down his face, seeing the empty list. He looked up to you, and he whispered to himself, “I want to take the pain away. The hurt, I don’t know how, Birdie.” He pulled the blanket up a little higher up your back, making sure you were covered, and sheltered. 

He started filling it back up, searching “how to help someone cope with miscarriage..” He hit search and books started popping up. He read some reviews and settled on three, “What Could Have Been: Helping Her Through Misscarriage”, “Grief and Loss: Learning How to Cope with Misscarriage”, and “Up Above: Journal For Mom To A Baby In Heaven”. 

Then he searched, “Coping With Miscarriage As A Family.” Once again he read the reviews, settling on, “Staying Strong: Coping as A Family”, “It Takes A Village: Grief And Family”, and finally, “Stronger Together: Surviving Miscarriage as a Family”.

He also looked up, “Memento for Miscarriage.” And a unisex bracelet popped up, it had a little charm on it of a sun. He decided to get 7 of them. The one he got for you was different. It was a 14k gold bracelet with a charm of a pair of baby feet. There was a plate on the bracelet that could be engraved with anything, so he took a picture of the wavelength of the baby’s heartbeat from the ultrasound and uploaded it. He didn’t want to acknowledge Chan in this but also, the baby was his. He found a stainless steel bracelet with a thicker band, something that he’d wear. He did the same with his bracelet as well, uploading the heartbeat. 

Seungmin couldn’t get what you screamed at Chan out of his head. The baby was right there, in your belly. He couldn’t help the fact that he knew what you were talking about. Seungmin was there for it all so for Chris to say, “It was mine too,” was a slap in the face. He wasn’t there. That was when Seungmin realized something. Chan started fucking Soo two months ago… You found out you were pregnant two months ago. The entire time you knew you were pregnant, planning for him, still cooking for him, doing everything in your power to surprise him, and carrying his child on top of that. Meanwhile, he was busy fucking his side piece. He was so busy in fact that he didn’t even realize that you wore baggier clothes, slept more, and avoided some of your favorite foods like the plague. At this point, Chan was more sperm donor than father, but Seungmin still felt that the baby was here, in a way, he felt like he needed to remind everyone because they weren’t able to know the baby the way that he did. 

Seungmin was in a depression, he could feel it starting, not because of you. He was so depressed because Minho was right. Seungmin looked up to Chan. He never had an older brother, and Chan was that for him. Annoying him any chance he got, giving him advice, and being a role model through and through. He didn’t know what was happening to you in your marriage at all until Felix and Minho kept disappearing every weekend to spend time with you. He told himself that you knew what you were getting into. It was only when he got closer and started spending so much time with you that he learned that Chan promised you so many things, and didn’t hold up on his end. He promised to be home a a decent time, some nights he didn’t even show up at home. He promised he’d take Sundays off when he isn’t touring, he never did take them off at all. 

As he thought about this, he heard the door open. He could see multiple pairs of feet in the shadows on the ground. A small woman walked in with a clipboard and a doctor’s coat along with the nurse. The nurse already knew most of what was going on, the overnight doctor briefing her on the delicate nature of the situation. 

The nurse came closer to Seungmin as she whispered, “Is she still resting well?”

Seungmin nodded. He looked over to the bed seeing Bin’s hand buried in your hair, his lips close enough to kiss your head, his other hand over yours on his chest. Seungmin smiled at that, reminding himself he’d need to get a picture of this. 

The nurse said, “Is there any way we can speak to you in the hall?”

Again, Seungmin nodded. He whispered, “Let me wake someone, I don’t want her to panic if she wakes up and I’m missing.” 

The nurse nodded with a smile as Seungmin tried to make a decision on who he’d wake. He decided on Hyunjin, as out of everyone, he was able to sleep a little in the car. Seungmin walked through the minefield of members over to Hyunjin, who had Lix using his leg as a pillow. “Hyunjin wake up, the nurse wants to speak to me outside, if Hannie wakes up he can meet us in the hall, otherwise let him sleep.” Hyunjin nodded as he wiped his eyes. When Seungmin stepped out into the hall the nurse introduced the petite woman as Dr.Yun, she was the attending psychiatrist in charge of your case. 

Seungmin’s eyebrows dipped, “Psychiatrist?”

The doctor looked and said, “Yes I think it’s better if we talk in the consult room, more private that way.” Seungmin nodded, shooting Hyunjin a text about where he’ll be at. 

As soon as the door closed, the doctor started, “Do you know why I am here?”

Seungmin nodded. He knew why. He didn’t want to say it out loud though. “I know why you’re here. I just thought they’d do this sort of thing outpatient.”

The doctor sat down with him, “Usually that is the case, but Y/N raised a suicide risk flag by her expressing her want to die.” 

He nodded, in his head he was thinking, if you only knew what she had gone through, you’d understand why she said that. Instead, he went with, “What would you like to know? I want to help.” If Seungmin was being honest, he rarely ever met a situation that he didn’t prepare for. Except for last night. He didn’t know what to do and if he didn’t know, he wasn’t comfortable with you going in there. So when he saw you get up he wanted to scream to you that you didn’t need to do this. Another thing that he knew was… you did. You have never seen a problem and not faced it right then and there. You have always been the type of person to tackle it. So him asking you not to do that, would have been out of the question. 

Just thinking about it gave him chills, where everyone would run away… you ran towards. Even if your brain had every cell of your body screaming to run away… you always ran towards. That was one of the things that he admired most about you. You’re brave. So when he saw you, the fear in your eyes, it rocked him. You were staring into his soul saying that you, the fearless one, were scared. But you weren’t scared of anything… other than losing him. Of waking up, and never seeing him again. The fear was deafening in your voice. Barely above a whisper, tears spilling onto Bin’s chest. 

She started off with, “How was she before this?”

Seungmin’s face fell as he recalled all of the moments he shared with you before last night, “Happy. Excited. Hopeful. The opposite of who you know.” Seungmin looked at the nurse. The nurse’s face dropped a little. Anyone who looked at Seungmin could tell he was in shambles, if they looked at any of the boys, they could tell that. That’s why no one was forcing those 7 boys away from you. It was clear you needed them and even clearer that they needed you. 

The doctor continued, “The notes in her chart say that she miscarried due to a trauma, do you know the specifics?”

“Yes, I do.” He said. The doctor waited for him to continue, “She walked in on her husband cheating on her with her best friend on their third anniversary.” 

Seungmin couldn’t help but think that Bin would’ve never let you go a night alone let alone your third anniversary. “All of the people in that room were there. The man on the bed, Bin, told us all to meet at the house, that her husband, his ex-best friend, never showed up to the anniversary dinner. He didn’t have a good feeling about it. We all walked in on it. She just sat on the couch, staring at a photo of them on their wedding day, while she heard him saying the most disgusting things, how her friend was so much better than her, how good she made him feel, how he couldn’t wait to leave her. It broke her. Broke all of us.” Seungmin was staring at his hands by the end of it, imagining if he had a wife, that he could never do that.

“I see. Did anyone know about the baby?” She asked as if reading Seungmin’s mind.

“I did.” He started breaking, hearing the heartbeat again. Your teary reaction playing on repeat in his head. You were so nervous, excited, and curious. All of the things that raced through your mind could be read all over your face that day. The minute you saw that little bean, that baby, tears sprang to your eyes, once you heard that heartbeat, you were already more in love than you could ever describe. It made Seungmin cry. A life was right there, and he was hearing it. He couldn’t wait to tell your child this story. “I figured it out before she did.” 

“Do you think that she needs help coping? We have plenty of resources and we’d be more than happy to-”

“Yes. She’s going to need all of the help she can get. She went from being pregnant and being in a happy marriage, to losing her baby, her husband, and her best friend in less than 24 hours.” Seungmin answered honestly. Your entire life was ripped apart. All because of two people who didn’t deserve your time and energy. To think that those people he would’ve trusted with children of his own. Instead, they showed their true colors at the worst possible time. The question almost annoyed Seungmin. Was the doctor not listening to what he just said? He thought in his head, my friend… The only other person who knew about this baby 48 hours ago… Just lost everything and this doctor’s question is ‘Will she need help’? NO FUCKING SHIT SHE NEEDS HELP… we all need help. None of us know how the fuck to help her. We are all destroyed, I am in turmoil, she will never be the same… HOW DO YOU EVEN HAVE A DEGREE LET ALONE A DOCTORATE?! Minnie knew it was misplaced anger. He took a cleansing breath as he looked up at the doctor. 

“Will it need to be inpatient?” She asked.

“If she has us, no. If you leave her to her own devices, she won’t make it. He was all she had, well thought she had. We were all friends with her husband first. She’s terrified that we’ll leave her. We will never leave her.” Seungmin added.

“Is there anywhere she can go? Going back to her home with her husband can make everything worse.” The doctor stated. 

Seungmin nodded and said, “We’ll figure all of that out, don’t worry about that. How do we help her?” the tears started rolling, “I as well as everyone else in that room feels so helpless, she is the sweetest person we know. We need to help her, how?” His tears right now are from frustration.

The doctor looked at Seungmin, “Communication is key. She may not want to communicate right away, that’s normal. She also needs to take the medicine we prescribe, she may not want to take it as well. It’s tricky because many women who miscarry have guilt. They feel like they failed, like they don’t deserve to be alive. You need to constantly remind her that what happened wasn’t her fault. Her body went through severe trauma. Remind her that she is worthy of breathing, smiling, laughing, enjoying life.” 

Seungmin looked at the doctor, “Okay. Would you need to talk to her?” Seungmin asked, “So far whenever she tries to go back, she has to be sedated, her heart can’t take it.”

The doctor thought for a minute and said, “I’m still going to have to talk to her before discharge,”

“Is there any way you could let her sleep for a while? She's so exhausted.”

The doctor nodded and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow so she'll have more time to regulate. Thank you for taking the time to talk, I know that it can be hard to talk about things like this but what you told me gave me some valuable insight into what happened.”

Seungmin walked back to the room as he tried to think of a way to keep you close and at the same time, give you the space you needed to heal. 

When he sat back down with Hyunjin he texted him.

“Hyunjin, the psychiatrist just came in. I told her what happened.”

Hyunjin looked at his phone and read it. Seconds later he started typing, “My guess is that they heard Y/N that she wanted to die.” 

Seungmin immediately replied, “Yeah. They said that after they talk to her it’s recommended that she doesn’t go back to the house. That it’ll make everything worse. I’m trying to figure out how to do this. I don’t want Chan anywhere near her.”

Hyunjin’s face turned hard, “At this point, I don’t want to be there, either. He’s toxic. I feel sick thinking that he was our friend. I had no clue she was going through all of this. He’s so toxic.”

Seungmin thought for a minute, “Wherever she’s going I think Felix, Minho, Bin, and Hannie should be with her.”

Hyunjin nodded, “Maybe an apartment? Or switching houses. I think she may want someplace familiar.” 

Seungmin said “When she gets up we should ask her. They never told me when they were thinking of discharging her.”

Hyunjin shook his head, “No, she just went through an episode, making her make a decision right after sedation isn’t a good idea. Maybe ask Bin??”

Seungmin smiled, “Yeah that’s a good idea. For now, they all need rest. You included. Thanks for staying up for me.”

Hyunjin just went back to sleep after nodding at Seungmin. It wasn’t lost on Hyunjin that Seungmin was clearly distraught in that hallway. He knew that now wasn’t the time. Maybe when things calmed down. When everyone was feeling less tense, Hyunjin could reapproach. 

After a few hours, people started slowly waking up until everyone was lucid, be it from hunger, or eventually hearing the mumbles of others. The nurses would pop in occasionally, giving whatever they could to help you and the boys. A little into most being awake except for yourself and Bin, you started mumbling. Han looked at the clock. His gaze shot to his phone, it was almost time for your next anxiety medication. They warned him that sometimes nearing the next dose, your anxiety would kick back up, and he told everyone to quiet down for a second. He wanted to make sure you weren’t in any distress. 

He noticed you started to mumble, “Chris, my boys… where… my boys…Binnie…” All of the boys looked like the only thing they wanted to do was wake you. The nurses advised Han, however, that the best way to wake you was not in the middle of the nightmare, you’d probably remember it, and usually that only compounds the trauma. So all he could really do was watch. You gripped Bin’s hoodie and he woke up immediately, his eyes snapping to you. He woke up to hear your mumbles, “Chris…. Not…not my boys… please..” He saw you start to cry in your sleep.

He whispered, “We’re here Angel, not going anywhere it’s okay.” 

You started shaking, “Where… Binnie… don’t take… from me. Chris please…my boys…help…”

Bin couldn’t see any more of this. He started to pet your hair a little more intently, as he directed Han to get the nurse. Then he started raising his volume a little bit, “Angel… wake up for me… Angel… Y/N…” He started lightly jostling you as he squeezed your hand under his lightly, “Angel it’s a nightmare, wake up… Y/N…”

Finally, your eyes snapped open as you squeezed him, “Binnie… Chris took you away… Took all of you away…”

“Shhhh shhhhh it’s okay, it was a nightmare, we’re here. It’s okay.”

“He took my boys away,” Your eyes were glassy, pupils dilated as you registered where you were. You looked around and Seungmin came up to pet your hair. 

“Hi Birdie, it’s okay. It’s alright. You’re okay, we’re all here. Hannie is getting the nurse, okay?” 

Seungmin could see your body shaking slightly, he got down to your level again and held your hand while Bin kept rubbing your back. 

You looked at Seungmin and started tearing up again, “you didn’t leave?” He wiped your tears and said, “Why would I? You're here. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” He smiled at you, “Just breathe Birdie… you’re okay.”

He could tell you wanted him closer, “Do you want to lay on me? Would that help, Birdie?” 

You couldn’t really talk but you nodded, then he looked to Bin and said, “Okay beat it Seo, she wants me now…” Making you giggle a little. Bin looked at you and reluctantly let go with a kiss on your head. 

Once again, Seungmin is in no way shape, or form known for skinship but there he was lying so content next to you. Everyone has no idea what is going on. Lix looked to Seungmin and was very skeptical as he said, “O… okay I want to cuddle at home and he’s all ‘I need my personal space’ but if it’s Y/N… I got it Kim Seungmin… You’re lucky I’m not the jealous type.”

Minho piped up with “You are the jealous type.” with a scoff and Lix fired back with, “Good point…. What does Y/N have Seungmin? Huh? I have long hair and cute freckles, I’m adorable. So what is it?”

Seungmin just looked at you and whispered “Watch this…” Then he addressed Lix, “Easy you’re not Birdie.” That made you giggle a little more. You still shook but you were coming out of it a little. 

Lix said, “I’m a bird, you don’t know Bbokari? I am even cuter I’m a baby chick…”

Seungmin nudged your back so Lix didn’t see it and he said, “You also commit cannibalism…” He narrowed his eyes as you started to laugh. Felix looked down at you and smirked as Seungmin said, “And Birdie is way cuter than you, Lix.” His jaw dropped, bright like that and Seungmin copied his expression.

“I mean you’re right but why come for my throat like that?” He fake scoweled at him as he sat back down, playfully turning his back to Seungmin, “uncalled for…”

Once again Minho acted disinterested as he deadpanned, “I mean he is right Yongbok-ah.”

Then Felix said, “You too?!” And you laughed even harder.

Felix looked at you and said, “Flower, am I cute?” He asked with a fake quiver on his lip. Felix’s nickname for you was Flower. The reason for it is one of his favorite memories with you. Felix and you are really the only two people out of everyone who actually stop to take in the surroundings around you. There was one time you got so excited when you found a pretty flower blooming on a tree while you both were out on a walk. He literally heard a squeak and then you were darting toward a tree. When he looked in the direction you darted in you were trying to jump to grab one of the flowers on its branches. 

He walked over to you, and still, no matter how high you jumped, you couldn’t reach it. He giggled to himself as he said, “Which one are you aiming for Y/N?”

You said “The one on the tip of that branch.” It was a good jump away for you. But you weren’t a dancer with years of Taekwondo training. 

He smirked as he said, “Okay jumping bean stand back.” You did and in one leap he snatched the flower off the branch. He walked over to you and put it in your hair. “I can’t decide which flower is more pretty.” He took a picture of you and said, “Hm this one,” He booped your nose and showed you the picture, “See?” You giggled and thanked him and you both kept on walking, since then that’s been your contact photo, the name it’s saved under being Flower. 

“Of course you are, Lixie!” you answered. 

“Oh thank god, Flower doesn’t lie so I’m good.” He grabbed his chest, as he slunk down. 

Meanwhile, Hyunjin took Bin to the hall to talk. 

He started off with.“Seungmin talked to the Psychiatrist. He told her the gist of the situation, and she said that after she talked to Y/N, she’d be discharged. They recommended that she doesn’t enter the house. At least not yet. It’s too big of a stress on her.”

“Ok, I figured that,” Bin said nodding as he carded his hand through his hair, thinking. 

Hyunjin continued, “He talked with me and we wanted to know what you thought. Maybe you and Hannie switching houses with Seungmin and someone else if she wants somewhere familiar. If she wants her own place, maybe an apartment where you and Hannie, Lix, and Minho go with her. We figured you four wouldn’t want to leave her side either way.” 

“Yeah, I’m not leaving her anywhere. Hmm. She’s too fragile to ask this question right now. Do we have a timeframe of when they are looking to discharge her?”

“No not really,” Hyunjin said. 

“Okay, can you find that out for me? At least an estimation, I want to give her as much time as possible to be somewhat calmer. If she can’t make a decision I’ll take her somewhere with me, get her away where she can process a little. Thanks, Hyunjin.” 

“You don’t need to thank me,” Hyunjin said. When both of them went back inside they walked in on you starting to look a little more yourself. You were looking around and then looked at Bin.

“Hello Angel, how are you feeling?” Bin asked. 

“M’good… But I want something.” You looked guilty which made him laugh.

“Let me guess….” He looked intently at you thinking…. “Hmmmm… you hungry?”

You nodded your head, “But not just anything…” You trailed off. 

Seungmin knew that face… You have a craving. He’s thinking about how he is going to get you what you want without causing suspicion. Lately, it’s been for Felix’s brownies. There were a lot of questions he had to answer and luckily he knew exactly how to answer them. 

Bin’s face scrunched up, “Craving?” he asked. 

You nodded. The suspense is killing Seungmin, they could’ve been halfway to the car by now. “Let me guess,” Seungmin said.

Everyone looked at him, “Felix’s Brownies?” 

You nodded at Seungmin. You weren’t panicking or anything. You have full confidence that he would protect your privacy. 

Minho could tell something as he said, “How did you know that, Kim Seungmin?” He had a quizzical look about him as Seungmin smirked. 

“Listen I know exactly how addicting those things are, they are the reason why I got yelled at by management before last comeback. I also know that she loves chocolate, so put two and two together.” Seungmin smirked.

“Ok…. so why are they at her house and not ours?” Minho asked, grinning like a cat that got the cream. 

“You tell me what’ll survive longer at our house, Minho… Chicken shakes or Brownies?” He smirked eyes narrowing. 

Minho said nothing and Seungmin said, “Exactly… My brownie stash is at their place, they had a better chance of surviving there, especially with Hyunjin’s bottomless pit of a stomach. All Birdie asked was that I brought a sacrificial pan for her.”  He is lying through his teeth right now. All three were for you and he happily let you eat all of it in front of him, knowing you were probably lacking Magnesium. Of course, he wasn’t reckless, he’d check your sugar levels and would walk with you to keep them down. 

Felix laughed as he said, “That’s why you had me bake five of them and only two were in the house the next day??” 

Seungmin nodded, “Speaking of.” he thought for a second as he said, “We are down to how many, Birdie?” 

You looked up at him and said, “Ok so first…. Did I mention you are so loved by me and your friendship means the WORLD to me…”

“Birdie? Out with it.”

“Half a pan, Minnie.” Seungmin’s jaw dropped, again, at completely known information already. He should get a performance award or something. “I have a weakness for delicious deserts and I am not above admitting that, can you go by the house and get it, Minnie?” Bin couldn’t find it in himself not to coo at you.

“You are so adorable it’s criminal. I can’t handle you.” He said absentmindedly as his shoulders slumped in acceptance.

“Am I so adorable that you’ll go with Minnie to get it?” You smiled wide, as if to make yourself more cute, not that you could to Binnie. 

“Angel… I’m not comfortable leaving you...” Bin said.

“I knoooooooow but I’m really craving it. Please, Binnie” You did the cute eyes, the jutting lip… the same exact look that made his stomach do summersaults and his heart explode since he’s met you.

“Yah  Angel, with the face, and the…” he took in a lungful of air. “Fiiiiiine fine fine. Okay, I’ll go, okay. Because you asked.”

You smiled at him and said, “Thank you thank you thank you!!”

The whole ride was not too bad, passed in silence mostly. Bin was gearing himself up to be in that house again. He’s learned a lot about Chan, the thing above all is to stay calm. He’s just wondering if that is even a possibility at this point. Just seeing him makes Bin want to put Chris’ face through the nearest brick wall. Yes, he knows it’ll take multiple times to get his head through it, and if there is one thing he knows, the wall will win, but Bin was damn sure going to try. 

When they parked Bin was the first to say, “We go in… we get the snacks and we leave.” He said it more for himself than anything. As he opened the door he saw Chris which didn’t surprise him, being on the phone did.

He smirked up at Bin as he said, “Of course I didn’t mean it, I love you, Baby, you know that.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

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[thefandomlesbian]

Inspired by the post by @oddlittlestories about Wilson touching House's sensitive points--specifically, the mention of the strongyloides patient and the afterlife. This is something I've been stewing on for awhile.

I don't think House's issue with the afterlife and the strongyloides patient was solely stemming from his own personal obsession or ongoing issues with suicidality related to his disability.

4x03, 97 Seconds, is only four episodes after 3x22 Resignation, in which House discovers Wilson has been taking antidepressants and it's implied Wilson has been struggling with his depression and simultaneously refuses to tell House anything about it, no matter how House pries. House makes his own inferences, that this is either a new thing or a change in prescription because of worsening depression, but Wilson deflects when he tries to ask. It's one of Wilson's sensitive points. We learn (and House explicitly observes later) that Wilson shuts down particularly painful topics, mostly relating to loss, and this is one that he shuts down hard and fast by accusing House of not caring about him.

House, true to character when it comes to all things Wilson, assumes the worst. We don't know what Wilson is actually going through, that's left to be guessed at by the audience, but we do know that House has been effectively shut out while continuing to be concerned.

And then, only a few episodes later, we get two different patients: a man who experienced cardiac arrest and replicates it in front of House for the thrill, and a physically disabled man who discusses being free of his mortal body. We see House and Wilson have exchanges about both of these patients. First, about the knife in the outlet patient:

House repeatedly tries to draw Wilson back to the topic of suicidality, why? how? what was the plan? and Wilson repeatedly avoids the topic until he gives up and leaves the scene sooner than have the conversation. My read: The implication is that Wilson at some point in the past (whether or not this is recent past or long past, we don't know) dealt intimately with suicidal ideation that makes him uncomfortable, either personally or with a family member (maybe his brother). House takes this as confirmation.

So then, this scene is followed up later in the episode, where Wilson and House together are with the disabled strongyloides patient, who is telling them he does not want cancer treatment. The patient says death will be a relief--in front of Wilson, House looks at him before he addresses the patient. It triggers a knee-jerk reaction, anger.

House recognizes he oversteps and leaves the patient, but the argument continues between him and Wilson in the hallway. It goes much deeper than trying to talk a terminally ill man into living a few months longer, because the argument isn't really about him; he's just a narrative vessel for this conversation between these two characters.

The most popular read for this exchange is that House is arguing for himself, that he thinks misery isn't a good enough reason to take his life and he is telling himself that death isn't a worthy escape (which is definitely a valid read of the scene). But given the recent context of Wilson's depression, his utter refusal to share anything with House and therefore the audience, his complete discomfort with the suggestion of suicidal ideation and all the big questions like why and how and what for... I don't think House's actions after this scene are for House.

We have this argument where Wilson is arguing in defense of a man who is passively suicidal. "You don't know death isn't better, you can't know, death could be better. There could be a solace after all of this, you don't know." If this conversation is framed in context of Wilson being depressed and having potentially been suicidal, he's not defending the patient--he's defending himself, for having had those thoughts. And House is arguing with him, against those thoughts. Wilson's conclusion is you can't go to the afterlife and see how much it sucks.

Of course House's conclusion is to go to the afterlife and see how much it sucks.

This is the song playing while House contemplates what he needs to do.

Starting over anew without a partner, not knowing how to make sense of things, becoming a new terrified person in lieu of someone who is supposed to be there--that's where his mind is. He goes to look at the electrical outlet patient, just staring in silence. What could be so good that it needs to be revisited? He must be wrong. (Note that at no point does House ever share with Wilson that the electrical outlet patient's claim that death was the best 97 seconds of his life--he asks Wilson why but never follows up with the answer.)

So House pages Amber and tries to try to kill himself, as convoluted as it sounds, so he can know the afterlife isn't good. So he can have proof. So he'll have evidence. He'll know it sucks, even worse than Detroit, they can't have this argument again.

House says it explicitly. "You insisted that I needed to see for myself." He had to know.

House wants to talk about what he experienced. He deliberately seeks out someone who will understand, asks for that person specifically, he wants to share. But with Wilson, he digs in his heels. Entrenched. We see that Wilson is generally the person House shares personal things with, such as the suspected identity of his biological father, he goes directly to Wilson after Dominika leaves in S8, he seeks him out throughout the Stacy arc in S2, pesters him while the fellows are fleeing in S3 even after the Tritter arc, his soft place to land during and after rehab in S6--Wilson is House's number one confidant.

Not on this subject. He refuses to say anything, except, "I love you." He doesn't respond to Wilson's criticism that he's already had near-death experiences before; he doesn't bite at any of the bait. Not talking about it. The person he wants to share with isn't there, so he doesn't share, not even with Wilson. The only thing we get as the audience is his dialogue to the corpse at the end of the episode.

This is also not something he shares with Wilson. Too much of a sensitive spot, too tender.

But all leading to my conclusion that... House didn't put the knife in the electrical socket for himself. As Wilson points out, House has had multiple near-death experiences. He doesn't need to almost die to find out what happens. He's already seen it. He already knows.

The character who has most recently displayed new depressive tendencies in this context isn't House. Wilson is the one refusing to discuss his mental health, ostensibly taking new psych drugs or minimally increasing the dosages, becoming uncomfortable with conversations about the difficult questions of suicide, and verbally defending a man's desire to die to end the mortal coil.

House didn't put the knife in the electrical socket to fight release for himself. He's been in chronic pain for a decade at this point, it hasn't changed, he has treated patients with self-destructive tendencies in the interim with no impact to his own mental health. This event didn't strike at a vulnerable time for House; it struck at a time when House knows Wilson is struggling, specifically when he has already tried to offer help and Wilson accused him of not caring. He had to do something.

House put the knife in the outlet to fight for Wilson. To have evidence, to talk him down. "See? I proved it. There's nothing. Now you know for sure. Now you have to stay with me."

That would be too saccharine. But he says, "I love you," and that's what he means.

[the-arceo-analysis]

Double A, The Arceo Analysis.

wip audio drama by klaus j

The Arceo Analysis is a series in the making (by yours truly!) which will mainly feature a long audio drama... With a twist! The plan is to combine the audio aspects of podcasts with visual aspects of artwork and site design. Eventually, Double A will have it's own website, where listeners can find transcripts, social media links, designs, artwork and more...

Double A follows an arrogant scientist, Klaus Ormr (centre), and his good-looking assistant, Poseidon Delito (to the left!) through Arceo, Velum per the request of Sean Lokachari (front right).

Arceo's Apprentice Detective's Agency (or the AADA for short!) is an up-and-coming agency just a few buildings down from the old one, Bronzeward, which was indefinitely closed due to suspicions of tampering with evidence not even three months ago.

Founded by a man with no interest outside of the title - Markus Porter - Lokachari is left to help six young adults become hardworking detectives. Despite his extensive experience as Bronzeward's lead detective for over 20 years, being left to train six people with no clue what they're doing is a draining task. Having no other choice but to cash in a favour brings in two old friends- who had moved away three years ago after a life-changing accident no one wants to recall.

The Arceo Analysis has everything a podcast fan could want- The Horrors, psychological torment, strange homosexual pining, disability representation- and much more! The main cast consists of 9 characters, all of which are vastly different with completely contrasting backgrounds!

A little about me (the creator) and the origins of Double A under the cut!

Hi again! I'm Klaus. (Yes, the main character is named after me (more or less!)) I'm queer in a couple different directions, and you can refer to me with he/him/his. I just recently turned eighteen and graduated from highschool, which means I've been working on since I was maybe 15? (Note: Didn't pass my maths classes) I have a handful of mental illnesses and a few more that aren't confirmed just yet but highly suspected. At the moment I've got a dislocated shoulder with bone damage! (Skating accident & several falls after the original dislocation) Rather painful but we make do with what we can!

Due to my mental illnesses, Double A has been put off more than a few times. I'm rather severely depressed, making my day-to-day life hard, not to mention my hobbies and work life. Despite this, I've been keeping at it as much as I can, getting progress under my wing consistently enough to update every few days.

I got into The Magnus Archives two-ish years ago and ever since I've had a fascination with horror audio dramas. (Though, I've only got that, The Left Right Game, half an episode of The Silt Verses, and 20 episodes of Malevolent to show for it) I'm also very invested in House M.D., Arcane, and Hannibal NBC!

The Arceo Analysis is a project I've been working on for almost three years! It originated as an idea between myself and an old friend (though many characters had already existed prior to that) that I remade into something new after we ceased contact. I'm incredibly passionate about it and I sincerely hope that it can bring you the comfort and joy it's brought me over the few years I've had the honour of creating it.

I don't take myself very seriously, and I very rarely post large walls of text like this- Most of my tumblr is shitposts and artwork, with the occasional update on script progress!

If you'd like to reach out and ask something, whether about myself or my work, please hit up my ask box! I'm not very comfortable DMing followers.

[lingering-42-long]

The Last Goodbye

When they are Kia

Cod characters x f! reader

Inspired by MW3 and the tragic events that occurred this will be a three-part series if I do not get writers block lol.

So sorry for the not posting as much! It’s been a really crazy month and a lot of things had happened and caused me to have a bit of a depressive episode so thank you all for being super patient!

Warnings: mentions of death

John Price

You saw it on the news first before you got the visit. Your breath hitched when you saw the news of the air strike that had hit the base where your husband of 12 years was stationed at everything was decimated. And you couldn’t call or check to make sure that he was all right as he would not have his personal cell phone with him. It wasn’t until two days after the attack did two uniformed military officers showed up at your door holding prices old hat and SAS badge and dog tags. How they got them so quickly, you weren’t sure, but the news came like a sudden wave of cold water. “ we are so sorry for your loss.” One of the officers told you. The body would be arriving shortly within a week or so for proper burial you two had purchased side-by-side grave plots. And the will was already drawn up well before all of this had happened. John was a very precise man and always make sure to think 12 steps ahead. He knew his job was rough and he knew that at any moment he could drop dead. He made sure that his life insurance would be going to you, which was some relief sense the army didn’t pay much.

How to tell your daughter, that her father was not going to be coming back. What is the worst thing you could ever do to her young heart. She was only eight years old. She adored her father practically worship the ground. He walked on. She was always his little girl, and now the war stripped her of him. Stripped you of him..

When she came home from school, you had to sit her down. You held her hands, and with tears, you told the heartbreaking news. The young girl did not understand at first on why her father wasn’t coming back, and once again, you explained that he had died in action, and he would never be able to come home you’re a little girl started to cry, and when he tried to comfort her, she bolted from your arms and ran to her room, slamming the door, and she could hear her wails. You yourself cried yourself to sleep for the first few weeks all the way up until the funeral your friends and family members gathered around you doing everything that they could to comfort you and your daughter people were calling in every single day talking with you for hours on end, while other people stopped by to bring you food.

Every day it felt like a horrifying nightmare. The one that reoccurs every single time slightly more horrifying than the last. As you were going through your stuff and trying to decide what if his you wanted to keep and what of his you wanted to donate you noticed on your phone you had gotten an email from Kate Lasswell. She had sent a video to you actually several saying in the email that he wanted you to have this and gave her explicit instructions in case if he was to ever die.

Pressing the play button, you watched as his face appeared in the camera as he sat down and smiled at you. The way, his eyes twinkled and the crows feet around them creased. “ hello dove” he started at first and you had to pause the video because you were overwhelmed with the emotions. When you stabilized yourself again, you continued. “ I know it’s been a long time since I’ve talked to you and I know that if you’re seeing this, it means that I have passed….. mission was going to be botched no matter what I just didn’t want to tell you the statistics at first…” he paused himself, as he seem to be collecting his words in his own voice was shaking “ I really wish I could come back home to you. I told you that this would be the last mission that I would do before retiring… I promise to take you out on that date that you wanted to go to that fancy restaurant.” he paused again, closing his eyes, and releasing out a large sigh.

“ I’m sorry I never got to take you…. I had so many plans to do with you and Alice… it doesn’t seem fair that I didn’t get a chance to do that” once again, you had a pause the video so that you could take a minute to cry. The plans that you had with each other right now by the wayside. You unpause did it again, and continued on listening. “ I know right now you’re depressed.” he stated, folding folding his hands, and leaning on the desk in a slightly business fashion way. “ in the email that Kate sent you there is several groups that you can join that are for the spouses of the deceased militant partner. Please join one as well as make sure our daughter also goes to one for kids. She’s going to need that support… you both are.” he smiled again, but it was a Sad smile. “ I also made sure to have a college fund started for her. You don’t have to worry about it until she’s ready. There should be plenty of money for her to attend all the way up until graduate year as long as she goes to a decent university. Make sure it’s only used for that if she chooses not to go to university or to go to a less expensive one, you can use the money to buy her a car or whatever she needs to get her life started…. I’m sorry this had all come to this…. As you know I have set aside a life insurance, and the beneficiary goes to you. I also saved up a lot of my savings as well. Feel free to use it as necessary.” he knew that you were going to be smart with the money. “ He paused and looked at you “you are my beloved…. I’m so sorry my dove that you have to face this alone. Please take care of yourself. Find a husband that loves you like I did and a good father figure for our daughter.” This made him tear up. “I will wait for you in heaven and I will watch over you both. You mean so much love. No one or nothing can separate this love. The email that is sent to you also has several videos for Alice. For her birthdays, graduation, moving out to university, marriage and their child. I made sure to make a video for all of that… I also left many for you. Please don’t hesitate to just let me listen to you… I love you.”

The video ended and you sat in the chair, Thinking things though. He set life up for you and your daughter. He was still looking after both of you. You cried for a bit before getting up and knocking on your daughters door. Your little girl opened up with tears on her face. “Hey baby… daddy sent you something.” She sniffed as you picked her up and took her to your old husband’s office. After sitting down with her in his old chair, you turned on the next video. “Hey Angel!” John’s face lit up when the camera started you could see he had been crying. “Angel, im not coming home, it’s not that I don’t want to but it’s because I got called up to heaven. I want you to do something for me my sweet, I want you to watch over momma ok? She is going to need you and you are going to need her. He glanced up as if looking at you then looked back down at his daughter. “You are such a special little girl. I love you so much. Momma has the other videos for you to watch when you grow up. I’m so so sorry to leave you like this. I did not

I did not want to go. I know you were looking forward to see me and so was I… you are my sunshine. My only sunshine.” He stated singing the song he sang when she was down or sad. “You make me happy, when sky’s are grey. You never know dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away…. I love you my angel.” The video ended. Your daughter looked at you. “What now?” She asked. “Well… now we do what daddy said… we do our best to move on, but not to forget him. We will be OK.” You held her as you too watched the sunset fade beneath the horizon, a beautiful white dove landed on he window, cooed and looked at you before flying off into the golden rays of the pink sky.

Simon Riley

You were cleaning in the kitchen when you heard a knock at the door. Putting the sponge back in the soapy hot water. You wiped your hands and made your way to the door. Two military officers took at the door, Solum faces as they greeted you. “Hello can I help you?” You asked

“Mrs (y/n) Riley?” One of them asked.

“Yes that is me.” You looked at them worried.

“I’m sorry, Lieutenant Simon Riley was killed in action.” The officer said gravely as he handed you a box of his things.

You took the box with tears in your eyes. The men told you that his body was found and would be returning soon. You thanked them and closed the door as you held the box tightly in your arms and sunk to the floor sobbing. Your sweet Simon. He was gone, never to come home to you and your son. You knew it was a dangerous job, but it never really hit you till now. Your husband, the man that always let you take off his mask, the man that would cuddle with you at night and rub your back after a long day, the father of your 3 month old son who he would stay up late to let you sleep. He was gone, ripped apart from you. How were you going to tell your son about his father, the man who loved his son from the moment he was born. You cried on the cold floor till you fell asleep, still holding onto the box. You woke up to the sound of your son crying in his room. Getting up, you walked and a dead sonter to his room. Tomas your son named after your husbands brother, was crying in his cradle. Carfully you picked him up and held him close. He looked so much like his daddy, blonde hair, dark blue eyes, fair skin. “Shhhhh my love” you rocked your son with tears in your eyes. “Daddy isn’t coming back.” You stated as a hiccup got you. “He loved you so much…. He loved me.” You knew your son wouldn’t remember this but it was still so sad to hold your little boy and know he would never have a father and son bonding.

You sobbed as you held onto him. Tomas sensing his mothers destress, he quieted down and cooed. After a while you fed him and put him down to bed once more. You opened the box after sitting down with a hot cup of tea, ready to take on what you needed to. With a sniffle, you opened the lid to reveal his skull mask, the dog tags that he wore, his SAS badge, and a few other things. “Oh Simon” new murmured as you carefully picked up the mask and set the box down as he traced over the lines to his skeletal features on his balaclava. It smelled like him. That rich, earthy smell, that he always seems to have with a hint of gunpowder and bourbon. It was a lingering sent, but it was a good one at that. You held the mass close as you leaned back on the couch and close your eyes. You already missed him more than you did before maybe it was because you knew that you would never see him again, to have him be in the house and be present with you and your son. You would go on with your life fine you are a tough woman, one of the many reasons to why Simon married you, but it was your son that you were worried about. You wanted your son to have a father figure. A dad that he would learn to grow up and love. Simon never had that sort of dad, and had always wanted to be that way for his own children.

Now Simon was never going to live out his dream, and Thomas, your son, was never going to have that sort of special bond. I thought made you incredibly sad once more but no tears fell, your eyes were all dried from the previous crying. The weeks came and the funeral happened, your husband looked peaceful in his casket. You wanted some alone time with him first and held his stiff, cold hand. “ Thomas will miss you… I will miss you. You were my rock and shield. It’s going to be hard without you Si… I will always love you and miss you.” The funeral took place and it was a sad time. The team of 141, your family and friends helped with whatever you needed. Now, you were cleaning out things from your late husband. As you were cleaning out his bedside table drawer, you saw a note, folded up neatly. Curious, you unfolded the lined paper and read the words on the paper.

“My dear (y/n), Birdie if you are digging in my drawer then that means I have passed, the mission was botched… I’m sorry… I know Thomas is in good hands with you. Please don’t worry about money. My account will be given to you. As I am writing this, it’s late, you’re sleeping next to me. It’s the night before we leave… I am looking at you for the last time, taking in all your beautiful details. Your face is so soft in sleep, you look so angelic. I am going to miss you… I know you will miss me too… I’m sorry I haven’t said ‘I love you’ that much. I hope you know I cherished and deeply loved you. I still do. I know you are a strong woman, that is what drew me to you. I know you will move on. If you wish, find someone who can love you and our son just as much as I loved you. I will be waiting for you when you come. I will always be watching out for you. Please don’t let our son forget me. I want him to know how much I loved him and you. I love you my Birdie, my beautiful wife. ~Simon.”

You held onto the paper and cried. This was going to be ruff. You were going to be ok. A sense of comfort filled your mind and warmth flooded your body. “I love you my Simon” you smiled and the familiar sent of him wafted and you felt his warmth envelop you.

Gaz

when the news reached you, it hurt like 1000 tiny little daggers. You had just gotten married to Gaz, your Relationship was just beginning. The two of you had been high school sweethearts. Times had gotten tough for both of you and you broke off your relationship before time being until you rekindled it once again, realizing that he was the only person for you. You had only gotten married a few months prior and just had your honeymoon before he was shipped off. Four months he was gone. And he was supposed to come back in two, however, the letter that you received told a different story. He would never be coming home. His body was blown up so badly that they couldn’t find all the pieces to him. We would do everything that they could to get the majority of him back home so that there could be some proper burial. This broke your heart. He would never get to share the life with you that you too so desperately dreamed about, a small home, somewhere on the suburbs of London with a dog, and maybe a child somewhere down the line. That was your plan at least but now things have changed, and now your beloved was gone.

It had been a few weeks since the death, and the burial of what was left at him. You had moved back in with your parents for the time being. As you were cleaning up your room, doing the best to get over your grieving you noticed a note on your bed they have been delivered by your mother earlier. Carefully you walked up to the letter and looked at it. It was addressed to you by Gaz. A sense of panic swelled in your chest. Did he really survive? Or was this some cool trick that somebody was playing? Quickly opened the envelope, and you looked at the letter the date showing that it was a month ago that he had sent this; before his death. With shaky hands, you begin to read the chicken, scratch lettering, tracing over every word, and taking to heart as if it was the gospel.

“Hey Love!

Things are crazy right now! We’re going to be going into a city not too far from here. I’ll make sure to pick up some stuff for you. I know you’ve been wanting to decorate the house for a while and I’m so excited to see what sort of projects you’ve been working on? How’s the art piece coming? I remember you telling me that you wanted to start up painting again. We always had such a pretty drawings. I have no doubt that they’re not going to be beautiful. I hope you hang them on the wall for us to see. I miss you. A part of me wishes that you were here at least the part that isn’t the most violent. Unfortunately, we’re not in the best area we are being attacked left and right. Don’t worry sweetheart. I’ll be home soon! I promise I’ll fix the leaky faucet. I know it’s been driving you crazy. I I sent a letter to my folks, but could you tell them that I miss them as well? I want them to know how much I miss them, but I think I miss you the most. When I get back can we get a dog? Also, can we have like a full day of playing video games just with you and me? I know I sound like I’m rambling, but it’s just what’s on my mind recently. Late night cuddles with you while playing Mario kart. It just sounds so relaxing right now. I’m really tired. Well sweetheart, I better get to bed. I love you and I hope that you have an amazing day tomorrow and the next and the next after that.

Your Husband,

Gaz”

Hugging the letter, you cried your eyes out. Tears streaming down your face as you laid on the bed, holding onto the last remnant of what your husband left you. It sounded as if he was somewhere in a safer, better place. You hoped that he died quickly that he didn’t suffer and his last thoughts were good thoughts. A breeze drifted into the room from your open window and a warm bit of sunshine hit your cheek as the breeze drifted passed it felt like a stroke on your soft face. He was there sitting beside you, even though you couldn’t see it, you could feel his presence. He was safe and he was watching over you.

Johnny McTavish

The news has gotten to you quickly. It was actually delivered by Price himself. You couldn’t believe it. Your Scottish highland your man was no longer going to come home to you. He was shot through the head. Taking a bullet to save a life. Your young son, John, named after his father, was going to be home from school soon the devastating news hurt you more than anything else out there. How are you going to tell your six-year-old son that he was not gonna have his daddy near anymore? Who was going to play football with him in the yard? Who is going to read bedtime stories? Who is going to play in the rain with him? Your son needed his father that boy looked up to his dad, like he was the sun, its self. The news hurt you hard calling his parents and his family was going to be hard as well if they had an already heard the news. He was close with everybody and his family and he had quite a large family.

The upcoming days to the Memorial as you wish to have been cremated, were hard and brutal. Everybody that you knew, and your friends and his family all gave their condolences to you and to each other he was loved and well liked by everyone your son took it hard he didn’t understand why his dad wasn’t coming home and cried and cried and cried it was like that for almost a whole week, he was doing so bad that you had to pull him out of school for the time being because he was unable to function properly. You did everything you could you hold him tight in your arms until he cried himself to sleep at night in which you also cried your own silent tears. You would go walk on the open, Highlands that overlooked the beautiful scenery where your husband, his father’s ashes, cast out upon the open landscape. A small memorial was placed there in memory. You would have picnics out there are frequently, simply listening to the birds call from high above and feel the warm sun cast It’s beautiful rays. They felt cold and dull to you, but you did your best to hold out for your son.

Cleaning out the closet with all of his stuff. What is your next task as you were taking some of his old stuff down you noticed a hard drive they had fallen out of one of his pockets with your name on it. Curious, you took the hard drive and you plugged it into your laptop. It open the file which had a video and it. You clicked play.

The video with your husband sitting on the couch in your living room, smiling at you “Hello my bonne Lass. if yer seeing this then ye know what happened and I don’t think I need ta say anymore abou tha’. I am so sorry that I cannot be with Yer. I love ye so much. I love our son John so much. Please remind hem’ every day how much I love him. Please play football with hem as much as ye can. Please read to hem every night fer me. I know it’s a lot ta ask with what’s going on but I think it might be good fer both of ya ta share tha’ quality time. I’m gonna miss ye both, but I’m always going te be with yer. I’m always going to be watching over mo little family. Don’t worry Lass, life insurance should cover a huge portion of everything. Hopefully it can help provide some security fer you and fer John. I also have tha’ university fund ye wanted me ta set up fer him. Let the money grow and add te it. If ye want by the time he turns 18 he can open that account. The files are actually in my cabinet on the right side of the desk. It has all the important paperwork and documentaries yer gonna need. I really wish I was there with ya Lass. I’m going to miss holding you at night and whispering I love yous.” His beautiful eyes stared right back at you with his stupid little mohawk and broad shoulders facing the camera. “ I know you got this, please don’t ferget about me, but I do want you moving on. Find a man that makes yer heart is happy to be with as it was with meh. I know it’s a lot ta ask for, and I’m not expecting ye ta get married right this instant… I want ta see ye happy I want to see you taken care of. I love ye, my princess.” he reached over to turn off the device that he was using, and the video ended abruptly. A new wave of tears hit your face as you laid your head on the desk and cried for the fifth or sixth time in the past few days. Your son came in the room and gently touched your shoulder. “It’s OK mama! Daddy’s going to be with us. He’s just going to be invisible.” he was quoting some thing that you had told him. When you had to break the news to John, you had told him that the angels up in heaven needed his daddy to help fight the battle up there because he was so good at his job. One day he would be able to meet his daddy up there as well. Now John had taken this to heart and there’s now quoting this in hopes to make you feel better. You carefully picked up your son and held him close to you. “ you know you’re the best against your father had ever giving me? When you were born, he had tears in his eyes and he was hugging you and kissing all over your face and just absolutely doting on you 24 seven. He told me how proud he was of you. He told me how proud he was of me. Those were good times.” Your son gently hold you tight in his own little arms. “ it’s OK mama will make it out together.” You could almost feel a kiss on your forehead as if…. As if your husband was leaning over to comfort you.

[inf3ct3dd]

01. BAD LIAR

warnings: none!!!

authors note: going cray rn guys….sorry if this is a bit long 😓😓

previous chapter. next chapter. masterlist.

the rest of summer break was….depressing.

as they say, lesbian heartbreak hits hard.

ellie must’ve texted you a thousand times, and you couldn’t reply because every time you saw her name on your phone you started bawling.

and your daily stalks of her instagram had you completely salty-faced.

you were so obnoxiously upset, that everything that had anything to do with her made you upset. you worried that if you even saw her face to face, you’d fold on the floor and drown in your own tears.

which was what made being in your room even worse, because it was covered in HER.

open your closet? her old hoodie.

sit at your desk? a framed picture of the two of you.

vanity? polaroids taped to the mirror.

even your BED. which held the stuffed animal she bought you, mr pickles.

mr pickles might as well have been a real pickle from how salty he was from being covered in TEARS during one of your very frequent breakdowns.

you basically lived in your room, your sister having to literally drag you outside to do anything. the only thing that worked was bribing you with food.

“cmon, i made pasta.” was her best excuse to get you out of your self inflicted prison.

ellie showed up at your house a few times, and each time she did, you hid in your room. at one point she actually came upstairs, and you crawled out of your window and hid on your roof until she left.

you did not want to talk to her.

after a while, and constant berating from all your friends and your family, you got over your extremely dramatic episode. well….not really? but at least you weren’t in your room sobbing over a tiktok you saw because the girl “looked like ellie.”

the days leading up to the first day of school basically consisted in you being in a constant state of panic.

what if she talks to me?

what if i have to sit next to her in class?

what if she-

“DUDE. CAN YOU STOP BEING A BATHROOM HOG AND LET ME GET READY?”

you heard your sister yell from outside the door, interrupting your thoughts.

you had been pacing in the bathroom for thirty minutes, losing your fucking mind.

you shouldn’t be this stressed out. it happened almost a month ago. you’ll be fine girl, calm down.

you give yourself a final once-over in the mirror , fixing the two plaits on the sides of your head before adjusting your glasses, and swinging the door open, revealing your pissed off sister.

“fucking finally.”

she muttered under her breath, before dramatically slamming the door behind her.

you gave your dad a hug goodbye before walking over to your car, twirling your keys in your fingers. you had just gotten your license last year, (too scared to get it when you were 16), and you still weren’t very….good at driving.

you opened the car door, making your hand wet from the raindrops , and sat down inside the car.

you watched your sister walk over to the car, with a fucking helmet.

she swung open the door and sat down in the passenger’s seat, setting her bag on the ground.

“…..are you serious?”

you looked over at your sister, a look of disbelief plastered on your face.

“with the way you drive? very much so.”

you roll your eyes at her before pulling out of your driveway, making your way to school.

after you got to school, you really wished you would’ve stayed home.

or transferred schools.

to one in a different country.

because when you walked into your first period, ellie was there.

and your second.

and your third.

and your fourth.

the first half of your day was spent basically hiding from her. sitting as far as possible, making your presence seem non-existent.

it was definitely a chore, but you’d rather do this than actually have to confront her.

even during passing periods, you practically speed-walked to your next period classes, avoiding the brunettes persistent attempts to talk to you.

it was hard to focus on anything in class when you could feel her eyes burning a hole in the back of your head.

lunch was….once again, very depressing. your usual lunch table was just full of ellies friends, and of course, ellie herself.

you looked around the cafeteria for a while , scanning the large room for one of your friends. and yet, you turned up empty.

do i just have zero classes with them?

you finally gave up, walking to the courtyard outside.

the courtyard was fairly empty, given that it was still soaking wet .

you walked over to a bench that looked fairly dry, sitting down and slinging your backpack off your shoulders before sitting it down next to you, grabbing the lunch you packed for yourself.

you started to eat , biting into the quesadilla you made yourself , looking around the courtyard and nodding your head to the music blaring in your headphones.

the noise cancellation blocked out the sound of a door swinging open, and footsteps quickly approaching you.

you continued eating your lunch, this being the most calm you’ve been all day, slightly kicking your feet back and forth as they dangled off the bench.

you don’t notice ellie walking over to you until its too late, and shes standing in front of you, repeating your name.

“hello???”

you look up at her, slightly jumping at her presence and pulling your headphones onto your shoulders.

“uhm….hi.”

you utter, meeting her eyes.

“are you just never gonna talk to me again?”

ellie responded, a disappointed look on her face.

you avoided eye contact with her, staring at your hands in your lap.

“i don’t really…..have anything to say to you.”

you mutter, still avoiding her gaze.

“nothing? you don’t have anything to say about what happened?”

“what do you expect me to say?”

“….i don’t know. i just want to talk to you.”

she looked away from you, fiddling with her rings the same way she did the last time you saw her.”

“are you alright? you haven’t really been posting or anything lately.”

she was looking at my account??

“i’m fine. just haven’t been on my phone much.”

you lied, staring at her shoes.

“i can tell….i must’ve texted you 1000 times and you never answered.”

she anxiously rubbed her arm, trying desperately to hold eye contact with you.

“ ‘m sorry.”

“its fine, i kinda deserved it.”

she lets out a dry chuckle, rubbing her arm with her opposite hand.

theres an awkward silence between the two of you, both fidgeting with your hands and looking everywhere but at each other.

“so… are you and dina like, a thing now?”

you boldly questioned, crossing your legs in front of you.

“no- we were just drunk. we’re just friends.”

“real friendly.” you mumbled under your breath.

“are you uh…seeing anyone?”

ellie asks, slightly bouncing on her feet.

ellie only asks because she knows you aren’t. she wants an ego boost. she just wants you to say it.

she doesn’t expect you to say yes.

and neither do you.

“actually? who is it?”

the realization of what you just said hits you like a truck, the false confidence disappearing and replacing it with fear. you think, maybe for a bit too long, about what to say.

and then you finally utter-

“abby.”

ellies look of confusion is replaced with anger at your answer.

abby anderson. the one girl you knew she hated.

constant bickering and dumb fights, arguments that meant absolutely nothing that lasted their entire high school careers, and the constant competition between the two of them brewed your perfect opportunity for jealousy. your thoughts moved as fast as your mouth.

“cmon, you’re joking right?”

ellie asks before scoffing, readjusting her feet and crossing her arms in front of her.

you shake your head before packing up your things, starting to leave.

you don’t notice that you left your class schedule on the bench.

“you’re not fucking with me?”

ellie was practically fuming, the tips of her ears turning red as she dug her fingers into her arms.

you give her a nod before walking away, quickly turning on your heel.

“are you serious?”

“dead.”

your best friend mina was staring back at you, mouth agape in shock as she listened to you recall what happened during lunch.

your heart beat speeds up as you run around the track, even though you were already basically having a heart attack before you started.

having gym outside was already brutal, and the fact that it was extremely foggy and depressing-looking outside made it ten times worse. usually, you would’ve tired out by now, begging the gym teacher to let you inside because you had a “headache”, but for some reason you were feeling extremely bold today.

as you and your friend slow your pace you feel someone running behind you. you take a deep breath, expecting ellie to pop up behind you, but you’re suprised when you hear an unfamiliar voice call out your name.

you turn around to face her, and you look up and see abby.

your heart hammers in your chest while you try to catch your breath, simultaneously trying to calm your nerves.

“um…hey.”

you reply, staring up at her.

your eyes move to her hands, and you notice a piece of paper in one.

“is this yours?”

abby reaches her hand with the paper towards you, realizing its your class schedule.

“oh yeah, thanks.”

abby smiles at you, shoving her hands into her hoodie pocket. you subconsciously mirror her actions, slipping your hands into yours.

“welcome. we have pretty similar schedules actually.”

“oh really? i didn’t notice.”

you smile at her, and she offers the same smile back.

mina makes her hands smooch, making an obnoxious kissy face behind abby.

“yeah, you seemed like you were kinda staying to yourself today.”

you give her a death glare before looking back to abby, slightly shifting on your feet.

“i guess, i’ve just been….avoiding someone.”

you look away for a second, and see ellie angrily storming towards the two of you, all her anger and eye sight directed towards abby.

shit.

abby looks in the same direction as you, watching you get anxious as ellie walks over.

“you okay?”

you redirect your attention to abby, watching her eyebrows quirk at you in concern.

you give her a quick nod, but the look on her face remains unchanged. she doesn’t believe you.

you feel ellie get closer to you. you run through the thousands of scenarios that could go wrong if she gets over to the two of you.

ellie would think you’re a pathetic weirdo, and abby would think you’re an insane person.

however, your body moves faster than your thoughts, and you choose the absolute worse option to get out of this.

you slightly stand on your tiptoes and smash your lips onto abbys, holding her face with your hands.

her eyes widen in shock, blind to you as you shut yours as hard as possible.

surprisingly, she doesn’t pull away.

ellie sees the sight in front of her and scoffs, staring at the two of you in disbelief.

“guess she wasn’t lying.”

taglist:

if ur name is crossed i cant tag u :((

@rimaybank @nickiminaj689 @ leomcshizzle @planetflorxa @teawithnosugar @sawaagyapong @how-to-disappearrr @vsselz @pepperispicy @chrry1ovr @ 4yn1y4h @lottienatfinalgirls @honeycinnamonenthusiast @heartrobynn @ibatman @sugarbag @arizvla

[kocch]

this is a rambling post no one is gonna read but I GOTTA WRITE IT because i've watched the whole 911 show in the past five months and never really talked about it, so i gotta say some things that are important to me (some might be unpopular opinions idk i don't really know the fandom, i've only checked the tag in the past weeks for s8 and all i can see is mostly annoying fanwars about which ship is better)

my dash could be biased and tumblr itself could be biased for mlm ships BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS SHOW HAS LESBIANS. like. i'm gonna use the few screencaps i posted here on tumblr while i was binge-watching the show buT

they're everything they're the best they're all i've ever wanted and they're not talked about enough, i don't know if it's because they're a wlw ship and they're a BLACK wlw ship or it's just that they're an enstablished couple and all, but damn i wish i saw them more in my dash and here on the freaking gay website because they have given me so many emotions through the seasons and they're SOLID and i just love them so much :( of course i know karen is not always present because it's a procedural show and sometimes the characters disappear for episodes, but they've solidified 911 in my heart . because damn this show is QUEER and it has been queer since day 1

my top faves are chim maddie hen and buck ok i don't make the rules they're the best but I LOVE THEM ALL and i think one of the best things of this show is the found family concept. you just gotta love them all. even if sometimes they have crazy writing moments through the seasons (like when buck tried to sue 118 or when eddie left 118 jfefhrf)

i love LOVE LOVE 911 because of all the feelings, the found family, how inclusive it feels with all the queer storylines and how diverse the main cast is (but also the case-of-the-day cast too... i'm a fan of another procedural like fringe, it was the 2010 and it was the whitest thing ever, (and the production was racist too) things have changed) BUT IT'S still copaganda. athena grant is a lot of copaganda. the two things can coexist i can love her and despise her story at times ok.

i hope we get a great henren/madney storyline in season 8 because (they're literally my faves) they're the best. i kinda wish for chim and maddie to long for a second children, now that they have mara in their lives? I'm not sure, i just know i need more of them. they're literally . so good to me. they've captivated my heart in s2 and they never left. the potential chim and maddie had was so great, but timing, trauma, depression, many things were keeping them apart, and every win felt EARNED. i just think sometimes straights have rights and that's madney's case.

i love buck like anyone in the fandom, but i think part of the craze on tumblr is due to his bisexual storyline and i gotta say... i do enjoy bucktommy. atm they're cute. being silly and in the honeymoon phase. do i ship buddie? i do, there are so many GREAT things through the seasons that make you feel - wow they could be perfect together - but that doesn't mean i will hate on bucktommy for now (yeah, i know, tommy was horrible in the past, yeah he was closeted and repressed, yeah he could have been better, he was racist and homophobic, i know, but i guess he got better since the characters are ok with him? sometimes we'll never get that resolution on screen) (i think all of them had their bad moments as characters, i mean, i could open a whole file about athena being a bad cop and still she's everyone's faves)

getting back to buck i did love his bisexuality storyline and i love him BEING BISEXUAL, it's not about tommy or about eddie or about anyone it's about him being bisexual. in his early 30s. BUT I gotta say, for how writers have written these characters, for me it made so much more sense for eddie to turn out gay than buck having his bi moment (and it's because of the writing). it makes sense for buck to be bisexual because he has always loved women and he's tried to make his relationships work, unlike eddie, but then he found out he also like men. he had soo many queer hints around him and it's just. fitting. i love him to bits. i wish s7 was longer so we could get things a bit slower, the pace was fast but i loved it. AND DAMN buck was jealous of eddie because of tommy? or of tommy because of eddie? I wonder.

i'm not sure 100% they'll go with buddie for now, but maybe it's just i am not an optimistic per se and i wanna see where they go with eddie's personal growth BUT eddie is gay. he gotta be gay. that man only had one love in his life, shannon, and that love is an idea he has. he thinks they had a great love story, but the truth is that they met when they were young, she got pregnant, he ran away from her for years with the military stuff, then he came back and she ran away, then they got together but still she asked for divorce and then she died. he denies her leaving him because of an idea of something that never really existed. even if he loved her, i'm sure he did love her but, it wasn't something perfect or functioning like bathena henren and madney. eddie is a terrible romantic partner (he's a good dad, but a terrible guy to date lbr) and it's because he's gay. i know everyone in the fandom agrees but i gotta write it down ok. when he's forced to date he feels like he has to perform? he self-sabotage all his relationships with women?? his love stories always end because of him? he had panic attack because of committing to ana??? come on ? the marisol storyline?? That shit is insane if he isn't gay

and that's why i'm asking for eddie to come to terms with who HE REALLY IS without christopher in his life. he's not just chris dad. he gotta stop running away. they have the possibility to make a great storyline for him, after several weird seasons for the poor guy. he gotta understand and accept himself and then maybe he'll work out the things with his son. this is one of the most exciting storylines for s8 and i really hope we get it. if we don't we need a PROPER story that makes sense with all of that tbh.

i'm ok with buddie happening in another season tbh i just want eddie to come to terms with his sexuality. i just love good writing and this show has its great moments with characters and that's why i love it, because it has heart. it has incredible characters i love.

i do love bathena and bobby and athena even if it might not be obvious in this post hahah and i wish we could get back may and henry, i miss athena having actually children