#it got me through a long hard quarantine. it taught me to draw. it was my first real fandom. i love it so much

[margindoodles2407]

HRBRBRBBR?!!?!?

YOU ALSO LIKE GRAVITY FALLS?!???!!? :0

DO I LIKE GRAVITY FALLS??!??!?

OH MY FRIEND. GRAVITY FALLS WAS MY FIRST REAL FANDOM

[honey-hippie-harper]

Infrangible

AFGHSAGHJS THIS IS SO LATE IS NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE LMAO

In my defense, I stopped being a person long ago and now, in all the ways except physical, I happen to be a potato. BUT ANYWAY :’) This is for the Renegades Ship Week hosted by @greasicookies <3 (Thanks again!), for day 5, which is Maxpie. The prompt is “secrets”! <3

I had a tough time writing this because I’m going through a lot of stuff rn :’) still, I hope you can enjoy it x’ddd.

Tag list: @healing-winston-pratt @obsidianfr3sk @the-wee-woo-rita and afsghagshja @all-weather-is-bad (because this is a very...me fic lol and I think you’re already used to my sad attempt at humor haahahaah i’M SORRY AGSHJAKL) AND @lackadae because agshjs I made a reference to one of your drawings, hon :’) (I promise once again, to catch up with your content once I feel better afsghjak).

And that’s it. I hope you like it <3

When Max turned nine, he reached the conclusion that everybody forgot their early years at some point. Before, Adrian had already explained to him that wasn’t quite true, because he misunderstood Max’s statement and thought he was feeling bad about himself for not being able to recall certain things. He told him that, unlike what he thought –which was false because that’s not what Max meant- people usually couldn’t store those memories from when they were younger than three.

“Some people do.” He said. “But it’s normal if you don’t remember anything from when you were…I don’t know. Two.”

“Do you remember anything from when you were two?” Max asked him.

From the other side of the glass, Adrian scrunched up his nose. And then, obviously, he saw himself in the need to adjust his glasses.

“I’m not quite sure whether I was two or not. But I do know I was younger than five.” He started. “There was a small canal on the way to the apartment. When it rained, it would grow a lot. It didn’t have big torrents or anything, but it did grow a lot. The water usually went higher than my ankles. But the thing was…that every time  it grew, it became infested with turtles.”

He paused for a second.

“I really liked turtles.” He continued, shrugging. “My mother used to let me walk down to the water, as long as she was right behind me, obviously; one day, when we were coming back from the city, she stopped to attend a call. I got too impatient and went down alone when she wasn’t looking. The next thing I remember is that, just when I was getting up after catching a turtle, I felt her tugging me by the back of my shirt. The turtle fell on its shell.”

At that point, Max realized he had been staring at how he kept on fidgeting with his pen instead of looking him in the eye, but he continued doing so, because he didn’t like it when Adrian’s voice turned that serious.

“…She had never screamed at me like that.” He said, as if he were talking to himself and then, to erase the tension, he tried to scoff. “I don’t remember what she said, but I remember that she said it so loud I told her she was scaring the turtle. Then I started crying. Like, a lot. I think she was terrified too.”

In the end, everything turned too quiet for his liking, and Max did something his dad had advised him to do for times like these, when he just didn’t know what came next: Improvise.

“I didn’t know you liked turtles.”

“…Well, I did. I really liked turtles when I was younger.”

Max had seen a couple of turtles in his life, but not as many as Adrian had seen, he supposed, because Max had never stepped outside, except when he was a baby.

Which was exactly the point.

He didn’t have memories from when he was a baby, or a toddler. Most of the people who had come to talk to him had said they remembered events that were either too sad (like Adrian) or meaningful in their lives. Max didn’t have anything like that. In fact, his first –very blurry- memory was standing on the edge of the quarantine, with his hands pressed against the crystal, and then licking it.

According to his dads, he was between three and four (“He was three, Simon. What are you talking about?” “He was born in November.” “It wasn’t November yet.” “We had just celebrated his birthday. He was four.” “HE WASN’T FOUR, SIMON! HE WAS THREE! THREE! We were celebrating that his quarantine had just been built!” “IT WAS THE SAME EVENT, HUGH!”) and Aunt Tamaya, plus the both of them, were in the hallway. For some reason, the fact that his eyes were so huge (they were still big. But they were bigger when he was a baby) came off as odd to Tamaya. And the moment they made eye contact, he licked the glass.

Nobody knew why. Not even himself. The adults remembered it better than he did, of course, but none of them had ever been able to guess the reasoning behind it. They often expressed Max had been a very strange baby, mostly because of his lack of social skills. It’s not like he had chosen that, and it’s not like his fathers would’ve allowed it to happen if they had had any other option. But Max wasn’t willing to stand there and pretend that he knew what he was doing, either.

Most of the time, he didn’t.

He barely held any memories of the nurses that had ever been in charge of his care, but, for obvious reasons, he remembered Dad. It was always easier to remember the person who had taken care of you the most, he supposed. And Max knew, among a lot of things, that it wasn’t his other dad’s fault. Though, sometimes, he couldn’t help but blame him.

Again, he didn’t know why, but there were those days, when he needed he the most, where a voice inside of his head told him that, if Simon loved him enough, he would just sacrifice his powers to be with him. His powers weren’t that useful for combat anyway.

“Okay, but that’s kinda mean.” Adrian told him the first time he opened up about it, the night before he attended the Trials to choose the members of his patrolling team. “Pops might not have combat powers, but they’re as important as the rest of the members’. That’s why they work so well as a team, you know? Every power can be extremely helpful during a battle, as long as you know how to use it.”

Max wasn’t doing anything in particular that day. Nothing besides listening to Adrian and sitting on the floor , at least.

“But if every power is useful…” He said, tilting his head to the side. “…Why are you allowed to reject certain aspirants?”

Adrian frowned a little, not in the sense that he looked angry at Max. Rather, he was confused by the question and was trying to word the answer in a way that sounded rational.

“Because…” He gulped and clicked his tongue. “…Like I said…uhm…the Council is an extremely good team. They’ve been doing this for a while. Us, the patrolling leaders are…allowed to reject certain prodigies because we don’t have as much experience as them. And…we might not know how to use somebody’s powers, and that’s very dangerous. We don’t want people dying, do we?”

When he said that, something clicked inside Max’s brain, and he nodded in automatic. Obviously, a few years ago, a non-prodigy teacher had taught him how to read, and the moment Adrian notified him it was his year to be in the Trials, he managed to read the manual and the rules for the event, from a booklet and a pamphlet (respectively) he had asked his dad to bring for him. He didn’t get much new information, different from the one he heard on TV or the one presented in the posters. However, amongst the rules, there was a section that talked about banned powers, which contained only two categories:

-Complete telekinesis.

-Stardust modelling.

“Yeah.” Dad told him. He was bathing him in the quarantine’s bathroom (Of course. Where else?). “Stardust catchers…which….are able to model stardust, are extremely dangerous and there’s not much research about them. Nobody really knows how they work, and it would be pretty difficult for us to… handle a prodigy like that.”

“Like me.”

Dad had always had a pretty specific routine he had to follow when bathing him. If he missed or misplaced a step, he acted like would explode or something. Also, Max didn’t understand why, but ever since he started growing thicker hair, Dad became pretty strict on the fact they should take care of it so it would grow healthy. Hence why they had a full hair routine that they did in the bathtub. That day, the statement caught him so off-guard he grabbed the wrong bottle, and then, when he realized it, he was already pouring the dense liquid (that looked more like a paste to him) on Max’s head. Cursing under his breath, he placed his other hand in the middle so it would fall over his palm, washed Max’s head and started the routine all over again, before changing the subject:

“About complete telekinesis…there’s obviously a lot of research about that power. We know how to manage with that. But telekinetic prodigies are not …very accepted in our society. They’re pointed at…Frowned upon. In the worst of cases, other prodigies hunt them down and then kill them.”

In that moment, Max came to the conclusion that all that changing the subject thing had been in vain.

Because, from his part, the answer was exactly the same:

“Like me.”

And Dad didn’t like that, for he started scratching his scalp harder, accidentally.

“No. It’s nothing like you.” He said. “You’re not like that, Max. Society hates telekinesis because some evil dude decided to use his powers, his telekinesis, for awful reasons and stained prodigy’s names. You’re not like that. You’re not abusive, or selfish or evil. And I don’t want to hear you comparing yourself to him ever again. Understood?”

To this day, that was the most aggressive form of validation someone had ever given him, but Max took it anyway, because he trusted Dad, and if he had said something like that, then there had to be a clear reason behind it.

“Understood.” He whispered.

And he tried, he really tried, to believe it. But, like many other things, no matter how hard Max tried, he was still severely confused. Not that he didn’t know about the Age of Anarchy, or the parties involved in the Age of Anarchy.

The quarantine, needless to say, could get pretty boring most of the time. Max had to do a lot of things to kill time, and some of those activities involved reading books that children shouldn’t be reading. He did read some children’s books, but then he would find himself looking through history articles and books, and reading the chapters that interested him the most. For instance, he was confident he knew about the Age of Anarchy, but one thing was knowing about it, and another, different thing, was having an opinion about in regards to it.

Max didn’t know if he had something to say about the topic. If he did, it was a very incomplete idea, and it was very likely he wouldn’t be able to phrase it correctly.

The group of people Max talked the most to were adults, and those adults, especially the ones who had experienced the Age of Anarchy and somehow managed to make it out alive, refused to talk about it. As for the few children he had talked to…

Well, about them…

Long story short, they had lives.

They all had lives outside of a glass, unlike Max. Maybe they weren’t the most interesting of lives, but at least they for sure had to be more interesting than his’. They didn’t have a pre-established schedule, where a designated person would come in to feed him or extract blood samples from his body, to then take them to the laboratory. They didn’t have to hear a total of seven alarms to remind him what he had to do: Wake up and get dressed, have breakfast and brush his teeth, enter the virtual sessions with his teachers, take a shower, have his blood samples taken,  start doing his homework –if he had any- and do whatever he wanted once he was finished, have dinner, brush his teeth and go to bed, and then start all over again.

That moment, when he had spare time, would be the same one normal kids used to go out with their friends, like Adrian did. To go to the park and get themselves a scarily huge wound at the center of their knee. To live. To breathe air. To do…literally anything that wasn’t this.

Because Max was different from the many children he hadn’t yet gotten the opportunity to meet or talk to, because, obviously, they wouldn’t want to spend the whole day hanging out with a person…like him.

The only way Max could see two out of the three people in his family was through a crystal wall. And he couldn’t kiss them, he couldn’t touch them… sometimes he even wondered if he knew how their voices sounded, because, after all, Dad’s voice sounded the tiniest bit different once he crossed that infamous glass door.

He couldn’t walk through the streets of Gatlon, because, for starters, he didn’t know them. And if he dared to go out there, he would get killed on spot for having accidentally neutralized a prodigy who didn’t want to be neutralized.

Other kids had nannies whom they complained about when their parents couldn’t look after them (at least that’s the kind of things he saw on the TV shows he watched) but Max had patrol units that would move from one corner of the room to another, ready to attack anyone who came closer than necessary to him, because the only one who could take care of him in person, was Hugh.

Other kids could go out freely, without being scared of anything at all. They could get hurt while having fun with their friends and family. They could laugh until they cried with them. They could hug them, sleep in the same bed as them. They could walk their pets, go on road trips, go to amusement stores, water parks…

They could experience the current world; watch all the new events that were happening every day, in first hand.

They didn’t have to read about the past, or the people from the past to keep themselves entertained. They didn’t have the need to do that. At all.

They were living the lives Max couldn’t have, because he was too dangerous for that.

And obviously, that’s why he couldn’t just…go around asking other kids about what was their favorite bug, their favorite planet…or their opinions about Ace Anarchy, and if Pops (Simon) saying “Alec, with an A as in Abusive Swine” made them laugh.

Besides, he hadn’t even met that many kids his age. Or kids, for that matter.

He was aware Adrian wasn’t exactly a grown up, but he wasn’t a kid either, so, he usually didn’t make it into that list.

In fact, just like the banned powers in that manual, there were only two kids in Max’s list of acquaintances.

Aunt Tamaya’s first baby was born without powers, when Max was like four years old, and his dads were way too excited about it (Weird thing to brag about out loud, honestly, because all the recruits in the Headquarters were betting ridiculous amounts of money on which powers the Thunderbaby would have –Max could hear them- and one day they just heard The Dread Warden storming into the hallway, euphorically screaming “GUESS WHAT, MY LITTLE CHERUB BABY? YOUR COUSIN IS ABSOLUTELY FREAKING POWERLESS!”), for they thought Max would finally be able to have a friend who was more or less his age. Dad was the one who brought him in, two weeks after he was born. He was still tiny, red and chubby, and wrapped in his three different blankets that way, he looked like a bloated marshmallow.

Aunt Tamaya, her husband, Pops, Adrian, Aunt Kasumi and Uncle Evander were outside (as always) waiting to see what happened…and, it was extremely odd for Max to admit it, but he couldn’t remember much about that moment, even though he was already older than three. There was, however, a video taken by Uncle Evander where, if you narrowed your eyes hard enough, you could see the moment Max burst into tears right after kissing the baby’s cheek.

Neil was his friend.

At least, Max considered him to be his friend. Still, they had an age gap of four whole years, and a part of him was waiting until he was a little older so they could be on the same page. Because sometimes, when Neil couldn’t comprehend something semi-important that Max had just said, things could get pretty awkward, because there were occasions when, if Neil got too frustrated over anything, he would start crying, and his sobs often summoned his mother all the way from across the building. She never particularly tried to put the blame on Max. In fact, she hadn’t even glared at him not once, ever.

But she did choose to take him with her, into her office, or ask Adrian to babysit him while he calmed down.  Afterwards, he usually didn’t come back to the quarantine.

“It’s not your fault, Max.” Pops would tell him, always. “It’s just that…Neil...he’s younger than you. There are things that might be…easy to you, but that are super complicated to him. And you might be able to do things that he can’t, and he can’t understand why he can’t, so he gets super confused and angry and that’s why he cries and Tamaya has to come and comfort him.”

“That, and because she’s like a...very freaky bird mom who hears her children cry and comes around with her super sonic enhanced sense of hea—“

“Hugh, don’t be rude.”

Every time they had that discussion in front of him, Max could never understand why Pops said Dad was being rude. He was right, to a certain extent. Aunt Tamaya was just…being a mom.

And that’s what moms did.

At least, that’s what Max had read and seen on TV because families like his’ were…super rare to find in his cartoons or favorite books. In fact, the times when he had seen himself represented in any of the things were so few that, for the longest time, Max had this weird, messed up idea that biological men could give birth. He thought that Adrian, apart from the fact that he was the closest to him, looked more similar to Simon, and that had to mean he had given birth to him, while Hugh had been the one to give birth to Max.

One year, when Max was six, they finished Lady Indomitable’s gigantic golden statue, placed downtown. It was late June, and though the city had previously looked covered in colors, that day it just looked…white and golden. That’s the best way Max  could find to put it into words.

According to Max’s weather application, the heat was unbearable that day (good thing he couldn’t feel anything because the temperature in the quarantine was always regulated) yet, according to what he was seeing in one of his screens, a great percentage of the citizens of Gatlon were marching in the streets carrying floating lanterns, headed towards downtown where the event was being held.

The Council was standing in front of the covered statue. All of them except Blacklight, who had stayed to take care of the Headquarters, and Max could see him from where he was. They gave a speech about Lady Indomitable together, and as they started revealing the statue, Tsunami sang a song that was supposed to be one of Lady Indomitable’s favorite ones, and that Max was too young to recognize (he supposed). In his opinion, it was a cute event, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t utterly confused the moment he saw Adrian taking one step ahead to be the first one to let go of his floating lantern, which was different from the other ones, because his’ was bigger, and it had a big “I”. Besides, people waited a couple of seconds until it was stable above their heads to let go of their own floating lanterns.

It still looked cute to him, but now it looked weird as well. So he got up from his chair, and walked towards the edge, pressing his hands against the glass. He hoped that would be enough to magically catch Evander’s attention, who was, at the moment, using his chair as a swing, as he typed a number in his computer, copying it from his calculator and eating from his salad every now and then. Obviously, Max’s telepathic call wasn’t enough, and he had to knock on the glass a couple of times, loudly. Even then, Uncle Evander didn’t look up in his direction.

But he did hear him, because he did respond.

“It’s not gonna work, Maximus. I’m not getting you out.”

As a side note, Max considered telling him his full name was Maximilian and not Maximus, because that was way before he realized it was a nickname. Nevertheless, he just let it pass, for the simple reason he had better things to ask. That’s why he proceeded to knock again, instead of speaking.

“What is it?”

“I wanna ask you something.”

Evander tried to steady himself in the chair without falling on his back, and once he succeeded, he came closer to the quarantine, with his arms over his hips.

“Why is Adrian doing that?” He asked, just because he wasn’t able to find another way to phrase it, while pointing at the screen behind him; Evander narrowed his eyes following his finger, as if he hadn’t been watching the event himself from a livestream on his phone. A few seconds later, he seemed to realize what he was talking about, and bit his upper lip, before pouting barely a little.

Then, he clicked his tongue.

“Because that’s his mom. And today’s her birthday.”

And it’s not that Max was insensitive enough not to recognize that it was very sad, but at the same time those single words were enough to make the idea he had of his life fall apart. All the things he thought he had already managed to understand felt fake and incorrect, and it was so fast it almost made him feel dizzy.

“She’s not his mom.” He declared.

Evander opened his eyes very widely and, next thing he knew, was that, for some reason, he looked nervous. Which, to say the least, was very…unlike Evander. He was usually super…confident, and, in Dad’s words: “He walks with his back too straight for a person who says some dumb shit every time he opens his mouth”.

At that moment, his back wasn’t straight at all, and he kept on wiping the sweat off his palms in the suit.

“…I mean…she’s not…alive anymore. But… that doesn’t mean that…”

“Noooo. I didn’t mean that.” Max cut him off. “She’s not her mom, because Adrian already has a mom.”

He stopped suddenly. Max could almost see his brain working at full speed, trying to process the data he had just received. Then, he blinked, arching his eyebrow.

“Who’s…who’s his mom?” He asked, getting closer to the crystal, and crouching down to be at Max’s height (Evander was almost too tall for his own sake). “Do Simon or Hugh…?”

“No. I mean she’s not his mom because Simon’s his mom.” Max stated, confident enough to move a mountain with his raw determination and his bare hands, which, needless to say, did nothing but make Evander even more confused.

Not that Max couldn’t understand why.

He was a brand new, redeemed person now.

But back then he wasn’t.

“…Simon is what, you said?”

“Adrian’s mom.” Max reaffirmed.

Still bewildered, Evander gawked. Perhaps he understood where that confusion was coming from but, at the same time, maybe he was too disturbed to ask for additional information. Max didn’t know which one of the two would make him feel more embarrassed, especially taking into account the next thing Evander said:

“That is the weirdest shit somebody has ever said to me, and I’ve talked to the Puppeteer an unhealthy amount of times.”

He wasn’t the one who explained to him the way his own family worked. On the contrary, he immediately told his dads about it, and next time the both of them came to talk to him, they tried to make him understand the concept of homosexual couples.

And they failed.

Miserably.

And he was using that term, because after that talk, Max went through life for a while saying that his ethnicity was Gay, because both of his dads were gay. Over and over again, they tried to correct him, but nothing seemed to work, and Max kept on spreading the information that he was gay (something he didn’t know yet) until Aunt Kasumi decided to intervene and, for his birthday, she got him a children’s book called All in Rainbow, which, according to the information in the first page, was actually a translation from a Latin American book written by two lesbians (one of them non-binary) and illustrated by the same woman who had made the Anarchists’ and the Renegades’ graphic novels and was also a Latina.

That book was something similar to a gay encyclopedia. It was narrated by this girl named Phoenix, because it followed her throughout her school and her daily life, where she came across different people and families. After every short story, there was an informative section explaining everything in regards to the new person’s identity, including their flag, the meaning of said flag, and the explanation of certain terms. Max really enjoyed it, and, in fact, he ended up going through it more than once. When he tried to persuade Adrian into reading it too, he admitted he already had, when he was younger,  and proceeded to make a comment about how pretty the name “Phoenix” was.

It was only then that Max was able to understand how his own family worked, and how freaking inept he had sounded when he decided it was a great idea to use it as an ethnicity.

That book was, in fact, the cue for all the grown ups in his life to start buying books for him, which he was grateful for, except for the one that he, ironically enough, had gotten from Uncle Evander. Sure, he appreciated that he had spent money on that,  but Max didn’t appreciate the fact that the plot was about a dog that was sent away to a school for dogs but made everyone believe he was in jail so he could escape. The drawings were cute, but he just couldn’t find the moral of the story and he didn’t like that.

His dads, from their part, got him a book about two frogs that, at least to Max, acted as if they were a couple; Aunt Tamaya was the one of the short books without drawings.

As for Aunt Kasumi…she usually brought a lot of educational books; every time she overheard him expressing something that was making him confused, she brought him a book about it, including that time she heard him asking Ruby Tucker “So, are you always bleeding?” completely out of context.

Max supposed that it had a lot to do with the fact that Aunt Kasumi was in charge of Child Services, and she spent a lot of time with children, especially because she liked to volunteer in orphanages, having been in one herself when she was a little girl. She usually moved in prodigy orphanages, for she was one to know the poor conditions they sometimes presented.

And…to say the least, she wasn’t a woman of many words. She was very reserved with everything she did. And, besides, it was none of Max’s business. After all, he was just a kid.

But, in this case, it kind of involved him.

Kind of.

For the simple reason that there were two names in the list of people his age Max had talked to. The first one was Neil (who wasn’t even his age. He was just close to that) and the second one…

The second one involved Aunt Kasumi.

Just like people were able to overhear his conversations through the quarantine, Max was able to overhear the conversations they were having on the outside, especially when he was trying to do it on purpose.

Every time he was too bored, in other words.

Some of the things older people said were confusing, but, over time, Max had learned to store that information, so he could comprehend it better in the future. He didn’t know at what level that was healthy, yet he still did it because, literally, he didn’t have anything better to do.

During extremely busy days, the Council chose to spend the night in the Headquarters, just in case, and while they could sleep in the common room, if Pops was too insistent on wanting to be close to the quarantine, they slept in the hallway.

In Max’s hallway.

Of course, Dad would sleep with him inside the quarantine but, in order to make it feel more like a pajama party, they slept close to the edge of the “room” (if it could be called that way), so close to the Councils’ inflatable beds, they could’ve touched them if there hadn’t been a wall in between.

When they were sleeping in that hallway, there wasn’t a patrol looking over Max, because they were the patrol and, every two hours, they changed turns to stay awake. All of them except Dad, who stayed the entire night with Max. The others often got up and started walking around the quarantine according to their ages. That is, Aunt Tamaya went first, followed by Pops, then Aunt Kasumi, and Uncle Evander at the end. However, since it wasn’t like they were too used to having many hours of sleep, Kasumi and Evander usually got up at the same time and patrolled together.

That night, Max was having trouble sleeping. Dad was hugging him, which made him feel very comfortable, but, at the same time, before he wrapped his arms around him, he had been moving way too much, and that had made Max feel uneasy, because a part of him, though he knew it was highly possible it wasn’t true, was feeding the annoying worm at the back of his brain that told him he was the one making Dad uneasy. That Dad was moving and couldn’t sleep because he didn’t want to be anywhere near him. Perhaps he would’ve preferred to be with Pops. Perhaps he would’ve preferred to be with Adrian, even. Anyone but Max.

Which, again, he knew things…weren’t like that. But that little, nameless, uninvited worm was always telling him that, over and over again, determined to repeat those awful words until they made so much noise they made him cry.

And even then, when he was already crying, the worm ate deeper into his brain and told him to stop because, in the end, who was he crying for anyway?

Who was he crying for, if nobody was here to see or hear him?

That night, of course, he didn’t cry, for the simple reason that…well, he did have somebody who would hear him cry, and maybe comfort him like Aunt Tamaya comforted Neil when he was crying…

But he didn’t want Dad to do that.

Not today.

Not because he were mad at him, but because he feared that, if he did, then Dad would be the one who would get mad.

Besides, that night he got extremely busy trying to overhear the conversation between Kasumi and Evander who, the moment they got up, started talking as they walked, first at a volume so low their voices could’ve been considered murmurs, but then, with every second, the issue started escalating.

And it wasn’t that they were arguing, it was that they weren’t exactly happy with each other, nor did they seem to manage to get to a mutual agreement.

Max felt like that time he was watching a movie with his earphones on, and instead of paying attention to the plot, he kept trying to identify which sounds were dominant in his left ear, and which ones were dominant in his right ear, because Uncle Evander and Aunt Kasumi were walking around the quarantine, and the echoes of their voices were floating right behind them, making it almost impossible for Max to decipher their messages word by word.

At least, until they stopped in front of him. That is, very close to the inflatable mattresses, too. And with just one eye open, he was able to tell Aunt Kasumi wasn’t amused, with her arms so tight across her chest that way, and with Uncle Evander standing more straight than necessary (because, yes, Dad was right about that...sometimes... because Max had read somewhere that tall people had to be really careful with their posture to avoid spine deformities or have less complications when they were older) waving his –as Aunt Tamaya would’ve called them- Hot Cheeto fingers right in front of her face, in a way so aggressive she sometimes had to lean backwards not to get one of her eyes poked out.

“…and it won’t look good for the organization. It won’t look good, Kasumi. You know why?”

“Yes, Vandy. I know why. I already knew before, yet you took the time to explain it to me another seven times. I mean, thank you, I guess, but—“

“If I kept on explaining it to you, it’s because I didn’t…and I don’t know what’s not clicking.”

“What do you mean with what’s not clicking?” And she tilted her head to the side. “…Are you still talking to me?”

“Don’t play dumb, Kasumi. Especially not in front of me, because I know you.”

“Right. But I still don’t get what you’re referring to. What’s not clicking about what, exactly?”

Evander laughed in a way Max would’ve just…understood if she had decided to punch him in the face so he would stop.

“We’re a big organization, Kasumi. People talk.”

“Of course that people talk. I mean, our citizens support our cause and our government system. In fact, statistically, more than half of the population do, but sometimes there are things that… are for their own good but they will refuse to understand and accept them anyway. And that’s normal. We might be the law, but we can’t control how the masses think, you know?”

“For their own good, you say. Beneficial.”

“Exactly.”

“Beneficial for who, if you’d be so kind?” Evander laughed again. “As far as I understand, we’re talking about one single problem, from a single person. It won’t bring anything beneficial, as you call it, for our organization, or for our system…if anything, it will damage it and make us lose credibility.”

“…Why?”

As a response, he started flapping his arms around, as if he were trying to point at something invisible. Or at something that wasn’t really there.

And this time, Aunt Kasumi didn’t try to pretend she was seeing it, and remained silent until Evander realized he would have to make himself understood.

“Because…” He clenched his fists, sighing loudly, almost like he was certain he was right and Aunt Kasumi wasn’t. “Our policy. Remember that? You know, a thing that actually exists and you helped write?”

She didn’t respond.

“Our policy as Renegades, it’s that we shall keep our people safe, and that includes prodigy and non-prodigy citizens. We shall preserve their lives no matter the cost, and create a safe environment where all can coexist and protect each other. That means that no prodigy individual with questionable reasons is to be allowed to cross that gate and disturb the peace or, worse, put somebody’s life at risk.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“Yes, you should be, because we wrote it, for fuck’s sake.”

“Evander, please. There’s no need to curse or—“

“…But you know what that means? It means that we can’t just…go against that policy and expect our citizens, our recruits, even, to still take us seriously.”

“Oh, but I’m following that policy because, as you might remember, we also pledged to assist anyone whose life was at risk, and people who, day by day, have to live under very vulnerable circumstances. It is our job to intervene and take them to a safer place, where their quality of life can improve, isn’t it?”

“It is, but that applies for people who aren’t dangerous to society.”

At that point, Max had both his eyes open, and he was seeing the scene more clearly.

In fact, everything was so clear, that he was able to read the confusion in Aunt Kasumi’s expression, even before she said:

“…This is a kid we’re talking about.”

“She is dangerous.”

“She’s not dangerous, Evander. She's a kid. Sure, her behavior has caused her to go bouncing from orphanage to orphanage like a rubber ball but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be helped, that doesn’t mean we should just turn our backs at her, and that doesn’t mean she’s dangerous.”

“You know damn well her behavior’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Well, I am, because that’s the only thing that should concern us at the moment.”

“No, it’s not?”

“It is. Because she’s a kid…and, honestly, Vandy…” Aunt Kasumi sighed. “… I know we were raised thinking life is war, but… the truth is, people are not born evil. Or dangerous, for that matter. Take your time and think about it, and  you can talk to me again once you’ve calmed down, because you must be pretty much aware I don't appreciate this tone. Besides, it’s not like this little argument is going to stop me anyway.” She shrugged.

“…after all, I already talked to Hugh.”

“…And what did he say?”

“It’s not my place to tell you that. Ask him.”

Max never knew whether he had taken that suggestion or not but, knowing Evander, he just assumed he hadn’t. And, to be honest, he never asked Dad about it either. He just stood and watched how everything proceeded to go down and chaos unleashed.

Though, he had to admit, unlike what had happened with other “big” events, this one specific chaos was rather discrete. A kind of well-kept secret.

In fact, the only explicit hint that something would happen in the next few days, was the little disturbance caused by Team Frostbite (it was always Team Frostbite. Max had no idea why everyone was so…willing to put up with their…issues so much, and without hesitation) when it was their turn to patrol around the quarantine and Evander came around, holding his notepad, and muttered something to them.

“Whom?!” Genissa Clark, Frostbite, snapped immediately.

Evander frowned and, judging by the way his moustache moved, he also pouted, before turning at Mack Baxter, Aftershock, to start talking to him instead.

“Do you have any idea of what she’s talking about?” He clicked his tongue. “Like…okay, nevermind…”

When Max looked up, he saw the exact moment when Evander realized he was listening to the conversation, so he lowered his tone once again.  Yet, Max was still able to see the million ways in which Genissa Clark's face contorted and, in the end, the first second Evander shut his mouth, she declared:

“We’re not available for that. Perhaps that task should be assigned to Team Sketch or Team Peregrine. They’re always lollygagging around, it’s about time they get some real responsibi—“

“That’s a no, then. Alright. Thanks for your cooperation, Team Frostbite. Or, lack of, more likely. Do better next time, okay?”

If Max wanted to be honest with himself, it hadn’t taken him much time to realize he wasn’t fond of any of the members in Team Frostbite. Or Frostbite herself. In fact, he considered her to be almost insufferable, and, again, he couldn’t quite understand why they were allowed to boss everybody around. To a certain extent, they reminded him of the popular kids (who were also bullies) in every movie he had ever watched. They weren’t nice. Not even likeable.

Maybe Max was just very specific on the type of people he liked.

Or maybe he liked everyone and their mom, except Team Frostbite, because he didn’t know any better than that, while  at the same time he knew better than liking Team Frostbite.

But he didn’t know better than liking Margaret White, because…well…

She hadn’t done anything particularly awful for him to have an opinion as strong as Uncle Evander’s about her.

She came on a Friday.

Not that she exclusively came to talk to him.

She, in fact, arrived alongside Aunt Kasumi, who was wearing her civilian clothes –High-waisted jeans and a baby blue shirt, damp with sweat because it was hot outside- and kept leaving her car key on every table that came across her, before coming back to it to grab them.

At first, Max wasn’t able to see Margaret very well, mostly because he was distracted with his online classes, and she was taken straight to Dad’s office, along with Adrian’s entire team. And though Max didn’t see much, he was able to catch a glimpse on how Adrian kept on trying to grab her hand, and she insisted on pulling away.

At some point, he had read about that too.

The Renegades accepted recruits from ages 14 and up, talking about patrolling. However, they had a child protection program, where, basically, they assisted orphan prodigy children with behavioral issues or, though only few people liked to admit it, potential to be a part of the organization when they were older. Adrian didn’t like it and, strangely enough, out of everyone, Evander didn’t like it either. Nevertheless, Evander was one to get more aggressive when it came to child recruitment, which, thankfully, wasn’t common at all.

In fact, those cases were so rare, that they referred to them as “exceptions”. After all, children were not allowed into the Trials. As far as Max knew, they weren’t placed in patrol units. On the contrary, they were given small positions in the organization, and their paychecks were directed to their respective savings account, something that Pops was in charge of. However, they could use that money for their personal needs or something they wanted to buy, as the few children recruits resided in orphanages around Gatlon and went back there after their shift was over. Max supposed that sometimes their caretakers refused to buy them something because it wasn’t good for their health and it must be very satisfying to tell them it was their money (That’s what Adrian always did when Dad refused to buy something for him).

(That, or he went and asked Pops for that same thing).

Usually, they could have cash withdrawals just by presenting their Renegade Recruit ID because, obviously, they didn’t have an official ID yet.

And not only that. The children recruits were assigned a patrol unit with older members to look after them, or help them with anything they needed. Taking into account the conversation he had overheard, he supposed that duty had fallen on Adrian’s team (A theory that was later confirmed to be true by Adrian himself).

They were never left unsupervised, just like Max.

The day Margaret arrived, for a couple of minutes, maybe hours, Max was submerged in his own little world, and in the assignment his last teacher had told him to do. It was just him, his colored pencils, his paper sheets, his notes, his head, his hands, and the miniature planet Earth that his quarantine supposed, against the real world that he had never stepped on.

But every now and then, a little piece of the unknown, mysterious real world came running to his encounter and talked to him, sometimes in the most sudden, unsolicited way.

Sometimes it was Dad opening the door without calling. Sometimes it was Adrian pressing a new drawing against the crystal. Sometimes it was Pops, making a little “Psst” sound to get his attention.

Sometimes it was three little knocks, and the girl that was producing them with her knuckles.

Back then, Margaret’s hair was longer, to the point where she could tie it in a high ponytail, decorated with a blue bow, which combined with his orphanage uniform: A white polo, with the institution’s symbol by the right side of her chest, beneath a cobalt blue skirt with suspenders, long white socks and black scholar shoes.

He saw her and recognized she was real the first time, but Max still gave himself a couple of seconds to grasp the fact that she was really there.

Well, not there-there.

That she was there, as in, through the glass.

And she was calling him, even if she wasn’t saying anything. In fact, she was just there, eating from a chocolate bar with puffed rice. Her free hand was still over the glass.

And she was waiting.

So, he figured he didn’t want to keep her waiting anymore, and leaving his task and his tools behind, Max walked in her direction. And like it always happened, he stopped right before bumping his forehead against the hard, translucent surface.

Margaret took another bite from her chocolate, with an arched eyebrow, but she said nothing. From afar, Max hadn’t been able to really appreciate her features, but now that he was closer, he realized she was taller than him; her small, brown eyes were making her lashes look bigger; her black hair looked thicker and he was able to conclude that her skin tone was more or less like Pops’, maybe a little darker. She had a mark over her cheek, and at first Max thought it was a mole or a birthmark…until, of course, he realized that moles weren’t (or, at least, shouldn’t be) purple, and realized it was a bruise.

He didn’t ask her about it. Adrian had once told him that there were people who might not want to talk about their bruises or open wounds, not because the stories behind them were painful to tell, but because they were too embarrassing and telling embarrassing stories was an inconvenience.

“…well… now that I think about it…” He said right after. “…That’s not it. No. Not really. Sometimes your wounds’ backstories are painful. Or sometimes…you just want to keep them a secret, you know? And secrets are…sort of important.”

He believed every word.

Hence why, instead of saying something too nosy about that bruise, a little slowly at first, Max started lifting his hand up, until he reached the spot where Margaret’s was, and pressed his palm there. When she stared at his palm in confusion, Max clarified:

“Hugh five. You know?" Max giggled a little." As in… the Captain? Hugh? ...No?"

She didn’t laugh. And that was odd because Adrian would’ve.

Margaret wasn’t Adrian, sadly. And, it seemed to be, she hadn’t had an older sibling to tell her that some things just…weren’t adequate as icebreakers to start a conversation. Because, like Adrian had said, there were certain things other people might not want to talk about.

“Are you sick?” She directly asked.

Max was still “pressing” his hand against hers.

Gulping hard, he felt his throat boiling hot, almost as if it were growing blisters.

“No.” He said in a hoarse voice. “Why?”

Not pulling away either, Margaret said:

“The other day, Sister Malinda brought a very tiny baby into the orphanage. They were so small they had to take them to the medical wing.” She took another bite from her chocolate, and kept on speaking with her mouth full. “I sneaked out of my room to see them, and they were inside this little glass box that helped  keeping them alive. Sister Tam told me so.”

Max kept quiet for a while. He would’ve been lying if he said he didn’t have a little curiosity about the name, but Margaret solved everything that had to be solved even if he didn’t ask her to.

“Sister Tam was named after Thunderbird. She’s younger than the other nuns.”

He guessed so.

Aunt Tamaya’s real name had been revealed to the general public on the 13th year into the Age of Anarchy, when she reappeared after being away for months thanks to an accident that involved Queen Bee and a cliff or something like that (Max couldn’t quite understand it, and Aunt Tamaya couldn’t remember much about it either. If she did, then she just didn’t desire to talk about it). It wasn’t a fun anecdote or anything like that but, according to his dads, the name Tamaya topped the lists for the most female-assigned names for at least a year, and the same thing happened in the 20th year into the Age of Anarchy...however, by the time she was buried, the world didn’t know Lady Indomitable’s real name, and for an entire month, people used Regina instead of Georgia. When Max asked why, Dad answered that, when attending public events, Lady Indomitable used to wear a pair of shiny golden R-shaped earrings that caused everybody in Gatlon to develop mass hysteria and made themselves believe that those Rs meant Regina, when in reality, according to Lady Indomitable herself, one of them meant “Rawles”, and the other “Renegade”. In fact, Oscar Silva (Smokescreen, one of the members of Adrian’s team) had once said that one of his cousins, who lived in Mexico, had been named Renata Regina (Though nobody knew what the heck that first name was, and Oscar had a really peculiar way to pronounce Regina) because she was born a few days after Lady Indomitable’s decease.

“I knew that.” Max lied.

“Sure, buddy. I bet you did.” Margaret chuckled. And there, Max realized she thought she was too clever.

Which, he didn’t doubt she was. He wasn’t in the position to state that. At least, not yet.

But what he was in the position to state, was that, if she thought herself to be clever, then it was his opportunity to think of himself as clever too. After all, he had been reading his whole life because he didn’t have anything else to do.

If Margaret was clever, then so was he.

“You’re talking about an incubator.” He said.

Margaret looked up out of a sudden (Max hoped she hadn’t gotten dizzy). He could still see the chocolate, that at this point should’ve been mush, stored in the inside of her right cheek.

“Uh?” She asked, struggling to keep her mouth closed.

Max gulped, and tapped the surface with his fingers.

“The thing where they put the little baby. It’s called an incubator. That’s where they put pre-term babies, because they’re not ready to survive outside of their mother’s womb. Sometimes their lungs don’t work on their own, sometimes their hearts are too fast or too slow…”

“You look too old to be a baby.” She observed. “Are your powers something related to that? Like, are you a baby who doesn’t look like a baby?”

For a second, Max thought about quoting Evander that time he had boldly stated that Simon was Adrian’s mom, but he didn’t because he wasn’t in the mood to curse.

“…No. First, this is not an incubator. And second,  I’m a kid.” He answered. “I’m not a baby.”

“Then why are you here?”

The short answer was that, honestly, that was none of her business. And the even shorter answer, was:

“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. And secrets are sort of important.”

“A secret.” She repeated, as if tasting the word. “…You don’t look like you want to be here. Are you allowed to come out?”

The short answer was still that it was none of her business. But, if he wanted to be honest, for some reason, he didn’t want to give that answer. Because, to be fair, she would find out on her own sooner or later. Because, yes, people talked, and while his dads were kind of secretive about him, everyone in the headquarters knew him. Her being clueless was just a temporary event that would vanish into thin air in a blink.

And, for some reason, he wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.

Maybe tell her something that wasn’t real. Maybe… tell her something that wasn’t necessarily true but that he wanted it to be. Maybe something that was more interesting than what he was, in reality; maybe something that would make the worm in his brain go away for two weeks.

"I can't get out." He finally decided. "Because this glass is infrangible."

Then, he knocked on it three times.

"See?"

Margaret tilted her hair to the side, looking like a cat.

"What does that word mean?"

And dumb as it sounded, Max felt a twinge in his stomach along with a violent wave of pride. Because, even if it was hard for him to admit it, he was hoping she would ask that.

He wanted her to ask that.

"It means you can't break it."

Margaret's eyes seemed bigger. But just as she was separating her lips to speak, somebody behind her cleared their throat.

That's when Max spotted Aunt Kasumi leaned against a wall with her arms crossed. When Margaret looked over her shoulder, she found her there too. But while Max waved at her, Margaret remained inexpressive.

"You're very far from the restroom, Maggie." Kasumi said, in a serious tone. Afterwards, she massaged her temples.

"Please, darling. Just… help me here, okay? We have to go back to the office."

And she didn't seem mad, but rather disappointed.

When it came to Aunt Kasumi, that was enough. Max knew that, and Margaret knew that too. That's why they both removed their hands from the glass, and Margaret started going away.

However, before she was too far, Max asked:

"Why are you here?"

And Margaret turned around, smiling.

"If you're not telling me, I'm not telling you." She sentenced. Then, she proceeded to imitate his voice as she said:

"It's a secret."

And for a while, obviously, it remained that way. A secret. But it wasn't long before they both knew everything they needed to know.

Margaret was integrated into the janitorial team, but, for a while, people talked about her and her powers, and Max couldn’t help but remember what Dad had told him in the bathtub, and the conversation between Evander and Kasumi.

Yet, more than scared, Max felt… something he didn't know what it was. In fact, he wasn't scared of her. More likely, a part of him felt that he knew what it was like to be her, because maybe they weren't that different after all.

People were scared of them both.

But he wasn't scared of her. No, not really.

He hoped she wasn’t scared of him either.

Maybe they could've been very good friends, even through the infrangible glass that kept him from getting pointed at, frowned upon or killed.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

No strings attached (G.D./E.D.)

Summary: When his brother gets married, Grayson is there for his best friend who happens to be Ethan’s ex and the one who got away. However, when she suggests they start a no strings attached relationship with the sole purpose of having a baby together, Grayson is quick to accept for he had loved her his whole life and maybe...just maybe, she loves him too. And while she struggles to move on, remembering the twin who had broken her heart, Ethan complicates everything when he admits he still has feelings for her.

Warnings: angst, fluff, SMUT (unprotected sex), cheating, alcohol, swearing..

Word count: 18k+

"You came." It didn't feel like a statement, more like a gasp that passed his lips in a moment of weakness because seeing her had rattled his self-made gilded cage.

"Grayson insisted." Y/N forced a polite smile, but she couldn't fool Ethan. Not when he had taught her how to fake a smile because she was always too honest and wore her heart on her sleeve. She was too pure to be able to deceive people, so he showed her how and he never expected he'd be hit with a fake smile from her heavenly lips he loved to kiss.

"Oh." It's more of a sigh, a heaviness that pushes down on his chest and makes it harder for him to breathe. It’s been about ten years since they were truly alone and he never thought the next time they would find themselves alone would be in a barn right after he vowed to spend his life with another.

"Is there a reason you wanted to talk to me or are you here just to stare?" Her sharp tongue had caught him by surprise, but he didn't mean her harm, surely she knew that? He simply couldn't help himself once he saw her leave in need of solitude, his own need to speak to her too dire to resist the temptation.

"I'm not sure. I just...when I saw you, I felt my heart stop and everything I didn't want to remember came rushing back. I felt like I'm twenty again, standing in front of you with my heart in my hand and you breaking it all over again." The last thing he wanted was to start an argument, especially not one that's ten years old and something he should have left in the past. His conviction of that is confirmed when her impassive face slowly changes from disbelief, to frustration, to rage.

"I broke your heart?!" Control she tried to hold onto had dispersed as his words reopened wounds she tried hard to close for a decade and failed inevitably.

How can one move on from a man she considered to be the one? No one compares, even now as he's pushing her buttons on a day she felt herself shatter. Even when he had chosen another over her, time and time again, he couldn't let her go. He either loved her too much or not enough.

"You're so full of shit, Ethan. Always were." With a shake of her head, she couldn't do it. She couldn't stand there and rehash the painful past he had left her burdened with. She came for closure, not to be reminded of the cruel nature of their lover's death.

"Me? I'm full of shit?! I stood there, making an eternal vow to someone I always thought would be you, but it never happened! Kristina isn't you!" Shouting at her as she tries to pass him by and get as far away as possible, Ethan grabbed her wrist on instinct and pulled her back to face him. When he did that in the past, she'd always smile and kiss him, tell him all she ever wanted was to know he cares enough to fight for her and their argument would be over, but not this time. There was no room for forgiveness in her eyes and her hate for him was brighter than the fire she held for him before.

“Be honest. We could have worked out.” Her eyes narrow at him when his words grip her heart and mind, pulling her back to a time when she was such a fool for him. From the moment he first kissed her, she was slowly losing herself in him.

"And I'm to blame?" She scoffed, ripping her hand out of his hold with a scowl on her face. Rubbing her wrist to soothe the ache that couldn't compare to the real pain he's caused her, she draws in a short breath.

"You left to Australia to figure things out and disappeared for a month! You brought a girl with you halfway across the world, quarantined together! You started dating her before ever telling me we were finished and then I was expected to be your friend? Fuck that and fuck you." The darkness in her voice is easy to imagine festering inside her for years, yet Ethan never realized she saw it like that.

He could see the pain written in her teary eyes, on her slightly wrinkled forehead and in her trembling lips. He could see the anguish he caused her and yet he found himself torn to pieces by all the plans for the future he had for them that never came true. Years have gone by and somehow, by a cruel twist of fate, she had grown into an enchanting, gorgeous woman and he still had a weakness for her.

"I was at the airport, naive enough to think the online chatter were baseless rumors, but I saw you kiss her." Swallowing thickly, Y/N found it hard to breathe. "And I guess it was fate for you...after all, you did marry her today." She shrugs, wiping a tear before it even started its path down her cheek, likely her last stubborn act to protect her pride and flawless makeup.

"I wish I didn't. I...thought you'd call, or come. I left you a ticket to come for my birthday and you never did. I just thought you were done with me. I thought our time apart had turned into a break and she was there...she was good to me.” Running a hand through his hair, Ethan could hardly breathe with the way she looked at him, her presence is just as intoxicating now as it was back then.

“Why didn't you tell me? If you told me you cared, I'd have left her in a heartbeat, even today. Even now." Ethan sighs, leaning closer to the woman he should have fought for, the woman of his dreams and the one he had told his father was his soulmate. Perhaps it's his stubbornness or his pride that blinded him to her feelings that persisted for so long, but no matter what it was, he had no excuse. He should have fought for her.

"How convenient for you." But she wasn't forgiving now as she usually is and she had no more heart left to give this man who had gambled her trust away. Not after the damage he had caused and left her alone to deal with the rubble.

"Go back to your lovely wife, Ethan. She deserves a faithful husband." With a slight push of her palms against his chest, Y/N had done what she should have done long ago - she let Ethan go and finally, for the first time in forever, she could breathe fresh air again.

Her head hurt and the old scars burned, but as she walked away, her soul was made anew - light and open to new beginnings, something she avoided. She had pushed away every man that got too close, afraid to be hurt again. Now, she found herself ready to try again.

"Tired?" Grayson raised an eyebrow as he took one good look at her glistening eyes and realized how draining the day must have been for her. Every time he asked, he'd get the generic "I'm fine" answer and a smile he could see through, but he let her pretend if it meant she'd get through the day alive. He saw her wither, mourn for his brother for years and it pained him too much for it to be healthy, but he felt her pain personally.

"Exhausted." She mustered a real smile for her best friend, opening her arms wide to give him the biggest hug just for being him. She might have lost Grayson for a while when Ethan first broke her heart and it was mostly because she needed time to heal but they quickly found their way back to each other and despite them moving away in different parts of the country, the pair stayed in contact and always made sure to meet every few months if their lives took them away for longer periods of time.

"But I'm glad I came. It felt good to let the old grudges go." She tightens her hold on Grayson, her hands resting on his strong back as his muscles relax under her fingertips and she can only smile in content. She never felt as warm or safe like she did in his arms. He's always been the man that made her smile, even when she was going through hell. Happy or sad, angry or stressed, he was there to lighten the mood and she always appreciated him for it.

"Wanna have a movie night and get a bit drunk?" Grayson suggests, more than aware of her sudden burst of giggles at the thought of him drinking alcohol.

"You don't drink." She reminds him, continuing to chuckle, covering her mouth with her right hand, something Grayson hated. He always thought she had the most beautiful smile and yet, at some point, Y/N felt deeply insecure about it and it drove him mad because it deprived him of the most mesmerizing view.

"I'll drink a few with you. I'll even let you throw popcorn at every cheesy romance scene on TV." With a small smirk, Grayson pulled her closer to him, stealing a second hug for his soul, but to reassure her as well.

"Let's go." She mumbled into his shirt before separating, allowing Grayson to open her door as he always insisted. She appreciated the gesture more than he knew. Grayson is a perfect gentleman and she couldn’t help but question why he’s been single for so long. In fact, he never had a real relationship since they met.

Driving away to Y/N's hotel room, just to make sure no one comes looking for them at the Dolan house, the pair were unaware of wandering eyes of a drunk, desperate groom who felt his rage swell inside his chest with every beat of his bleeding heart.

**

They drove in silence, music filling the air to prevent any awkwardness although they never had those moments...unless the time Grayson walked in on a naked Y/N in the shower back when they first met at eighteen counts. Aside from a bruise he got from running into a wall instead of the door as he apologized profusely, Grayson found it hard to look at her at all without being flooded with inappropriate thoughts.

"Make yourself comfortable." She tells him the moment she walks into her hotel room, dropping her bag by the door, throwing her heels off within the next two steps. Her heels remained tossed close to the door, like a hazard Grayson was sure would make him sorry he didn't put them in the place neatly for her, but the moment he saw her unzip her dress and it fell to the floor around her sore feet, his brain no longer functioned properly.

With a single move of her fingers, she unhooked her bra as well, throwing it behind her with a loud exhale of relief and while she told Grayson to get comfortable, he could hardly move. Hell, he could hardly breathe as his heart picked up speed and his dick soon felt the accelerated blood flow as it twitched in his pants, aching for release.

She was quick to put on a loose shirt, leaving her with an almost covered ass and those curvy legs of hers available to his curious, hungry gaze that couldn’t ignore the lacy green panties she had on.

"I have a bottle of wine I wanted to gift the newlyweds, but fuck them. They're getting married and starting their life, they don't need quality wine! We do!" Rambling, she grabbed a few glasses that clinked as she carried them, placing them on the table before settling on the couch, only then noticing a very stiff looking Grayson who still stood by the door.

"Are you okay?" She tilts her head to the right with the slightest inkling of worry in her eyes, looking him over for signs he may need help - top to bottom, only to pause in the middle as his problem became evident.

Swallowing thickly, she bites her bottom lip as Grayson rubs the back of his neck nervously, ashamed of his current situation but she only chuckles, rolling her eyes.

"I'll take it as a compliment, now get out of those uncomfortable clothes and drink with me." She orders, opening the bottle with a slight pop before she pours herself a full glass and half a glass to her best friend. Better to pace him than have him drunk within an hour.

"If you're not here in a minute, I'll rip those clothes off you myself." Fixing her eyes on his situation once more, she raises a brow with her very own curiosity playing games with her mind. "With my teeth." She adds coyly, watching Grayson squirm, unable to ignore the red tint in his cheeks.

Quickly, Grayson takes her advice...or better yet, order, getting into nothing but his boxers, stumbling over her hazardously tossed shoes before sitting next to her.

"I don't have anything else to wear." He groans, too aware of his hard on being distinctly impossible to hide now, even as he placed both hands over it.

"I'll crank up the heat so you’re not cold. It's fine. We're friends. If you want to cover up, you can use the blanket, but I promise you I'm not insulted or anything. If I'm anything, it's horny and that won't be happening, so..." Trailing off, she shrugs with disappointment in her small smile and for the first time in forever, Grayson saw an opening. It's something he had held back on, but he didn't have it in him to keep denying himself the woman he had desired for so long he no longer found anyone else worthy of his time for more than one night.

Stature of limitations can't possibly be effective after one party is married, right? Besides, Ethan had simply gotten to her first when in fact, it was Grayson she first met.

"I wouldn't take that watch. It's a knockoff." Grayson couldn't help himself. Not only was the person in question drop dead gorgeous, she also picked up a watch he made a mistake on a year ago and it was a rather hefty check he gambled in the process.

"I'm aware. But thank you." She didn't look back, tired of men and their mansplaining, and definitely tired of men flirting. She wasn't exactly popular with guys she likes, but for some unknown reason, guys she didn't like had a tendency to be very persistent in winning her affections.

"So why buy it then?" However, Grayson was never one to give up and he had no intention of letting this woman go without asking her name first.

"Because my budget allows for a counterfeit, nothing more and I still want it to look fancy." At this point, Grayson knew he was the last person this girl wanted to talk to, but as he opens his mouth to apologize, she turns to him with grace he believed to be magical and her eyes met his.

As cliché it may be, Grayson thought time stopped...even if he was standing in the middle of a shop filled with clocks that could easily prove him wrong but he never felt it before - can a heart literally skip a beat when you meet the person you're meant to be with?

"What if I can give you a fancy, original watch and all you'd have to do is make me a dinner?"

Looking back, he saw how that might have made her feel like he's giving her an immoral offer, but at the time, she was desperate and he was handsome as hell. She saw it as a win and agreed with the widest, most beautiful smile - the first time he ever saw her smile and a sight she didn't cover up back then.

Little did he know Ethan would end up being there as well, crashing their date and soon enough, stealing her right under his nose.

So yes, maybe he didn't give a shit if Ethan is okay with it, this was finally his time to shine. If it's not too late considering she seems to be in love with Ethan even now after he betrayed her over and over again.

"Can you believe Ethan got married before us?" Already tipsy, Y/N chuckles in disbelief, leaning closer to Grayson as she holds her second glass of wine close to her chest. She wasn't much of a drinker either, but she needed some alcohol to get through the night.

"I mean, I always thought it would be you. He used to tell me he isn't fond of the idea of marriage but when we have kids and all that he'd be okay with us getting married." Taking a big chug, she nearly chokes on the wine, coughing as Grayson pats her back lightly. He used to think he’d be the first to get married too, but he gave up on the notion.

"Remember when we made that deal?" It suddenly dawned on her as Grayson reminded her of something she buried in the furthest parts of her mind.

"Before you and Ethan got together, we were sitting on the roof, watching the stars?" Grayson continues and she hums, acknowledging him.

"I said I'd marry you if we were thirty and single." She didn't expect the smile that appeared on her lips nor the honest emotion that took over. They were only eighteen when they made the deal after she and Ethan got into an argument about him buying her expensive gifts she had never asked for before they were even dating officially.

"We're almost thirty now." Stating, she turned completely to Grayson, her eyes taking in his naked torso before continuing.

"We don't have to get married or anything, but don't you want kids?"

Rubbing his forehead, Grayson couldn't help but feel he's too sober for this conversation.

Does he want kids? More than anything!

Did he think he'd be nearly thirty and alone? Never.

"Yes. I know where you're going with this and no. You're drunk, you're not thinking soundly so we can't go down that road." Grayson sighs, moving back to give her some space and create a little distance between them, but she quickly grabs his hand and holds him in place.

"I had two glasses of wine, don't be so dramatic.” Rolling her eyes at him before her face falls, Y/N sighs.

“Grayson, I can feel my biological clock ticking and my womb is crying for a baby to carry. I want this and I honestly can't imagine anyone I'd rather do it with than you. You are daddy material. I've always loved that about you." Taking his hand in hers, she inched closer with a slight smile pushing onto her face.

"We are best friends. We can't just have a baby and act nothing happened. IVF would be brutal anyway." Grayson is trying his best to be the voice of reason. He had a sip of wine, but not nearly enough to ignore that she might be doing this because she can't watch Ethan move on with his life in a very definite way and be happy for him.

Is he supposed to be her distraction from the pain?

"Who said anything about IVF? We could have sex, right here, right now. Repeat it a few times to be sure over the next week and that's all. After that, no sex or romantic feelings. We'd be co-parenting, and if we meet someone else along the way, we'll figure it out as we go."

And maybe he's had more than a sip, perhaps even a whole bottle if he's seriously considering her offer, but then again, he's drunk off her. He's in love with her and he has been for ten years and she's giving him a chance to have her, even if it's for a week, and a chance to be in her life for as long as they both live. Perhaps it's nothing compared to what he wished for, but it's undeniably everything in this particular moment where her bare thigh is rubbing against his and her palm is set on his arm, her eyes boring into his soul as her plump lips quiver with desire.

She's looking at him like she wants to do more than just make a baby - she's looking at him like a man she's passionately interested in and it's a look he's waited a lifetime to see in her eyes.

So, despite all reason and better judgement, Grayson smiles before pulling her onto his lap. "I'm in."

Resting her forehead on his, she draws in a shaky breath. "No strings attached?"

Reluctantly, he confirms. "No strings attached."

Little did they know they would be tangled in all the strings the moment their lips touch.

That first taste of his lips made her heart shiver, her hands shaky as his fill up with her ass, feeling him squeeze as his tongue swipes her bottom lip. Wasting no time, she grants him access, pushing down on his lap until his hard-on pressed against her inner thigh and she can't help the moan that passes her lips nor the brazen curiosity her hands indulge in. Her palms travel down his chest, her left one remaining on his neck as the right one continues on its journey to his hardened member, drawing in a deep breath as his hands move up to the small of her back, warm against her skin.

"So warm." She managed to mumble against his lips, her hand finally reaching his aching bulge, hastily palming him until he breaks their kiss, groaning with unrestrained desire and his control wavers.

"A-are you sure? We still have time to stop and just watch a movie." No matter how it pained him, Grayson couldn't go through with it without making sure she's not going to regret it. He didn't want to be the guy that used her in a vulnerable state and he never wanted to taint the friendship they had before he tasted her lips for the first time in his life. And just one taste of her was enough to mark him hers. He couldn't get enough.

Pausing, she cups his cheeks and bores her eyes in his, the clock ticking in the background only sound beside their strained breaths filling the silence. She couldn't believe he doubted her, although she understood why he's apprehensive.

For a moment, Y/N worried he may find her unattractive, or someone already tarnished due to her relationship with his brother and yet, when she looked into his chocolate brown eyes, Y/N only saw concern for her. He cares enough to handle blue balls if she's in any way doubtful of their unexpected actions. But then again, somehow, Y/N found it as anything but unexpected.

"Never been as sure as I am now."

Reconnecting their lips again, she found herself immersed in him, fully lost and consumed by no one but Grayson Dolan. His hands on her body, his tongue locked in an intense, fiery tango with hers, his penis already visible through his briefs and her own unquenchable desire and longing taking over as she pulls her shirt up, breaking the kiss long enough to pull it off her head and reveal her breasts - nipples hard and ready just as she is.

If there's anything she's sure of is that all her sense of self disappeared when his mouth captured her left breast, his hands slipping past her waistband, flicking her clit as soft moans betray her pleasurable need for him.

"I can't", she shuddered, breathing hard as his open mouthed kisses left a burning trail on her collarbone and she knew she was done for.

"Please, Gray." She struggled to keep herself sane as his fingers picked up speed and a scream erupted from deep inside her chest and he smirked against her neck. Sensitive, needy and ready to comply, she leaned her head on his shoulder while he worked his magic.

"Tell me. Tell me what you want." He teased her, slowly building her up to her first orgasm and he wanted her shaking and wet when he starts having his way with her. She would surely need it.

"You. I. I want you. Inside me. Take me, please." She pleaded, her eyes closed as he picks her up and moves toward the bed, her legs wrapped around him as she rubs herself against him for friction though he didn't stop his hands from making her moan. Try as she might, she couldn't hold them back.

Placing her on the mattress, he smirked before lowering his head to her thighs, gripping her lacy green panties with his teeth before ripping them in a single move. He craved to see them, but the satisfaction he got from tearing them off her was unparalleled.

"What?!" She didn't get to scold him for his lips have found their way onto her sensitive nerve bundle, sucking as his fingers delved inside where she needed him the most. Her hands weaved in his hair, pulling at the stray locks with quivering in her lower abdomen as her breathing became short, coming in gasps of pure ecstasy and her thighs trembled as Grayson's hands gripped her hips and kept her in place when she tried to move away. She pulled at his hair a little too hard, but Grayson didn't mind - loss of control means she's lost in the feelings he had provided her with, only fueling his unbelievable thirst for her solicited moans he only ever heard in his dreams or something close to them whenever she ate something she really liked.

He's relentless, unforgiving and a generous lover and while her mind is forming incoherent thoughts about all the unforgettable ways his tongue moves, all she can say is his name - fervently, unapologetically screaming his name as her orgasm makes her lose all control and instead of simply enjoying the entrancing beauty of the moment his name falls from her lips and her body shakes in his arms, Grayson frees his dick at last, nearly crying out once he pushes himself inside, catching the last wave of her clenching walls, enjoying how firmly her hands grip his arms as he slowly fills her up.

"You're so beautiful." He whispers in her ear as he pauses for her to adjust, slowly inching his way inside her until she's all full and even she can tell it will be a hot minute before he bottoms out.

“So, so perfect.”

Her mind is a little clearer, too aware of his wet lips at her jaw, littering her with kisses as his body weight presses her further into the mattress. She's hooking her leg around his waist, aiding him in his effort to bring her to a new orgasm once again, the new one hopefully fruitful for them both. Her arms fold around him, bringing him closer until his chest falls on hers, no room left between them - their hearts wildly beating fast, allowing them to feel every beat as Grayson lift his head up and their eyes meet again.

Sliding further inside, her mouth falls open as a sigh leaves her involuntarily, making him smirk vainly and the smugness in his eyes only made him more appealing.

It was impossible to ignore how intimate the moment is, how neither of them want to part. Had it been a simple 'let's have a baby' deal, it would have been all business, in and out in minutes, but this was all pleasure and they both knew it. And this was a first for both of them in a sense – their first time without condoms, feeling their partner without any barriers.

"Are you in?" She couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious, the liquid courage gone as he holds her in his embrace - bare in every sense of the word, but she trusts him with all her heart.

"Not yet." Grayson chuckles when her eyes widen at his statement, aware she's thinking about how big he is and how she's probably worried he wouldn't fit but as he adjusts and slides in further, finally bottomed out, he smirks when she gasp at the slight thrust. Pecking the left corner of her lips, their noses brush together as he whispers.

"Now I am." That's when he's moving, leisurely with confidence, building her back up only to stop and make her whimper and he couldn't help but feel proud he's managed to get her to ask for more...to ask for him.

"Gosh, you're such a tease!" She exclaimed, half out of her mind as her hands grip his ass to control his speed and depth and still, he's unmovable, cocky and yet too afraid of losing the reigns of himself. He can't act anymore, no pretense left.

This night has been everything he wanted for so long that he can't even hide it. It's in his eyes, on his lips, in the gentle touch of his fingertips on her skin and the strength of his arms around her, but the way he's taking his time and making every moment count for her? It's proof enough that this is more than a casual fuck.

"What's so wrong in never wanting this to end?"

But she can't hide it either, his words had undone the last of her restraints. He can see it in the way she pushes his matted hair back from his face to better look into his warm, loving eyes, in her genuine smiles, the way she pulls him close and won't let up or the way she says his name as if it's her favorite word.

Y/N realized she would never quite be able to forget the way he makes her feel after years of pushing down feelings she told herself are forbidden - that she had loved him first, before Ethan, before anyone else - terrified to remember, forbidden to forget.

She did it for Ethan, but now? She had no reason to hide.

And as the moment passed, urgency took over and Grayson no longer held back. Long, fast strokes replaced the slow, gentle ones and neither of them could think any longer. Forgoing everything, their moans and grunts and whimpers filled the room as Grayson pounded into her and while she loved when he was gentle with her, she couldn't get enough his rougher, harder way to get her to the finish line.

He gripped at every part of her he could get while she held onto him for dear life, her nails making marks as she finished first but he wasn't too far behind. Once he felt her walls clenching once again and the warmth enveloping him, he was faster, jerkier and insatiable. Biting into his shoulder as her orgasm shook loose all the feelings she kept hidden, Grayson finally came inside, filling her up as he laid on top of her, keeping his weight off with his elbows.

"Don't move." She whispered in his ear, her fingers playing with the hair at the back of her neck as he came down from his high, sweaty and pleasantly exhausted, but already craving the next time.

And even when he went limp inside, pulling out, Grayson’s head remained on her chest as she played with his hair, falling asleep to the sound of her heartbeat.

When morning came and her eyes opened, the night before was just a haze. An arm wrapped around her weights her down - it offers warmth, intimacy, a sense of belonging. It's there to remind her what she thought was just a dream - a deal she had made with her best friend that didn't have too much to do with the excuse she used but a genuine question she needed an answer to - what if she was always chasing the wrong brother?

After all, it was Grayson she met first, found handsome and sexy as hell enough to agree to cook him dinner in his own home. She wanted him to make a move so bad, to grab her and kiss her but he never did and Ethan wasn't shy about the attention he gave her. She was reluctant at first, holding off on agreeing to even a date with Ethan until she lost hope. So if Grayson didn't like her even though she had given him more than one chance to say or do something, Ethan did. She waited too long for him to stop her from going out with his twin.

He never did.

"Since you're vegan, I made you vegetable soup and pasta and a carrot cake, all vegan of course." She's perky, excited and a tad shy about the food she placed before him. The worry behind her eyes over his silence had alerted him to smile, widely and with heart.

"I love it." He exclaimed, making her give him a pointed look.

"You didn't even try it yet." She chuckled when he shrugged and started tasting everything.

"I love it and I tasted it all too!!" It was hard not to enjoy Grayson's company, it was all easy as breathing with him. Such a rare feeling in this world, yet one she promised herself would remain in her life in any shape or form.

And by the end of their dinner, it was already too late. Or so Grayson thought because the moment Ethan walked in and sat next to the girl he believed was on a date with, the atmosphere change had made Grayson dejected and he felt like the third wheel.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Ethan asked her and Grayson wanted to snort before shooing him away, especially when he saw Y/N look at his brother in disbelief.

"No." She replied, raising an eyebrow when Ethan suddenly stood up and left. Glancing at Grayson, Y/N silently wondered what the hell happened only to be interrupted when Ethan took the chair on her other side and flashed her a charming smile.

"What about second look?"

And when Y/N laughed out loud, first real laughter Grayson heard, it was for his brother, not him. Ethan was always the more charming one, the one who attracts girls without trying and soon after, he'd watch his brother take the only girl he ever wanted and he witnessed how he broke her heart as well.

But the night they just spent together reminded her of the sadness she felt when it became clear Grayson wouldn't be the brother she ends up with back then. She loved Ethan, still does, but it will never change that longing she always had for the younger Dolan.

Grayson felt her stir under his arm, his eyes fluttering open with a smile as he found his face is buried in her hair and the heavenly lilac scent invading his senses is hers. Memories of the night before had made his morning wood that much worse and while he wanted more than anything to just slide back in between her folds, he couldn't make things awkward in case she's changed her mind.

He still remembers when he found out she was going out with Ethan, not him, making him wonder if he was always just meant to be a bridge that binds them together. He wondered if he'd be able to watch them fall in love and maybe even get married, but it didn't feel like he has a choice.

"Can I talk to you about something?" He could tell she's serious and tormented about the subject at hand, confusing him from the start. It's only been three months since they met and she's become his favorite person within the first hour of knowing her but he feared she'd be bored of him soon and there wasn't much he couldn't handle, but that would definitely leave a mark.

"Sure." Instead of smiling, Grayson grimaced involuntarily, making her frown as she sat beside him, a little stiffer than she usually acts around him.

"It's about your brother." She started and Grayson groaned immediately.

"What did he do?!"

"He asked me out...again." She chuckled at the last bit, shyly looking at her fidgety hands in her lap, unable to meet his eyes.

"I'm thinking about accepting." She sighed, forcing herself to face Grayson, anticipating anger or a jealous fit, anything to prove he cares, yet all he did was swallow thickly, loud enough for her to hear as he scratched his forehead absentmindedly.

"Didn't realize you guys were getting so close." Grayson tried to remain calm, not to lash out because this girl is beautiful, funny, clever and while she's incredibly strong she seems painfully vulnerable and he didn't want to scare her.

"We're not, but he's persistent and I'm out of excuses." She shrugged, deciding not to tell him about the way Ethan makes her feel. It wasn't exactly the same as Grayson, but he was witty and charming and handsome and willing to actually love her and she couldn't wait around for Grayson to remove her from the friendzone forever.

"I'll tell him no if you can give me one reason not to do this." Hopeful, she placed her hand on his knee and waited for the youngest Dolan to speak up and claim her for himself. She waited for him to tell her he loves her and he never wants to be without her...hell, she'd settle for him saying he likes her, but he remained silent and Ethan arrived just in time.

"Hey." Ethan smiled widely, his arm outstretched as his hand opened for her to take and with a final glance, she turned to Grayson in anticipation of any action that would give her an excuse to stay. But nothing happened.

"Hey." She smiled back at Ethan, taking her hand from Grayson's knee and placing it in Ethan's hand reluctantly.

From that moment on, she promised herself to stop her silly fantasies about Grayson, to stop reading too much into his lingering looks or continuous touches and flirting and all the times he had made her heart skip a beat. She promised herself she'd give Ethan a chance and as she departed with him, she did not look back. And she wouldn't for the next ten years, but for Grayson that moment was different.

When her hand left his knee, the cold that settled in had left him craving that warmth for the next ten years - yearning for her touch as much as he does for a fresh breath of air, forever wondering what Ethan had that he didn't. And it wouldn't be the last time he sees them walking away together, the only difference is the distance between them as they do. With time, they grew closer, no longer simply walking side by side but they'd have their arms around one another, they'd kiss, or playfully push around or chase each other and laugh until they both cried. It happened slowly, but it took her away from him, piece by piece until she was truly happy with Ethan, her feelings real and her dreams changed to fit the man she's with.

"Morning." He whispered in her hair, careful just in case she's still asleep so he wouldn't wake her. However, the moment he speaks is pivotal for her, making her turn in his embrace a little too excitedly with a perky smile upon her lips.

"Morning." She smiles at him with glee, throwing her leg over him shamelessly as she brings herself closer to him.

"Woah. Thought you're not a morning person?" Grayson chuckles, his raspy morning voice making her horny all over again and she has trouble stopping herself from initiating anything again.

"Maybe I just had no one to be a morning person with." She challenges, but it only reminded her of Ethan, the grumpier twin that never liked mornings and could only ever be swayed into getting up earlier if she woke him up with kisses or possibly even morning sex.

"Interesting." Grayson raised his eyebrow, ignoring the implication of her words before his hand settled on her hip, finding his fingertips formed bruises.

"Fuck, did I do that?!” Pulling the covers off, Grayson scanned her body carefully with disgust for himself, ignoring her squeal. Despite being bold and freaky in the sheets the night before, Y/N couldn’t help the insecurities flooding her when Grayson got a good view of every single one of her imperfections under the unforgiving morning sun. She wondered if the disgust on his face is because of her belly rolls because she always struggled with her weight which also showed in the stretchmarks and cellulite some men found unappealing and she felt tears prick her eyes as his gaze lingered on certain parts of her body.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you. I swear I’ll be more careful next time.” Those words flew from his mouth before he had a chance to think of the implications. Next time means he wanted to be with her again, to take her as shamelessly as he did the night before but it also meant he was feeling guilty, maybe even remorseful.

“I’m not.” Interrupting his self-pity party, Y/N propped herself up on her elbows and smiled softly, her eyes taking his beauty in because as unforgiving as the morning sun may be on her, it’s definitely illuminating on him. The sun favors him for sure.

“I’m not sorry because you made me feel attractive, needed, loved. I’m not sorry because when you looked at me just now, it wasn’t because you wanted to see the weird moles I may have or the stretchmarks, but for possible signs you hurt me. When you only made me so, so happy.” Sitting up on her knees, her palms find their way onto his abs, trailing his skin with her thumbs as the rest of her fingers grab hold of him and pull him toward her.

“I’m your best friend and I might be carrying your child now. Trust me when I say that there isn’t anything I regret about last night. If anything, the bruises mean we had more fun than we anticipated.” She shrugs coyly, kinking an eyebrow until he finally bestows one smile upon her.

“It was more than just fun.” Grayson notes and she nods. She loved how his words disturbed the rhythm of her pulse. There was never a simple moment between the two of them, always carrying emotions too strong for them to ignore.

“I can tell. Your dick is sort of in my face.” She chuckles, glancing at his red tip already up for the job she absolutely hoped he’d take up.

Crimson cheeks that flushed with blood were enough for Y/N to realize Grayson feels too ashamed to ask so before he manages to say a single word, her tongue laps his tip and a strangled moan escapes him.

Smirking, a little braver, her hand wraps around his shaft, moving up and down with circular motion, her tongue teasing him as her best friend becomes undone, just as he did for her last night. She couldn’t help herself, desperate to hear his moans once again but to have him inside as well.

Pursing her lips slightly, she looks up with her doe eyes, moaning as she opens her mouth and lazily takes just the tip. She hollows out her cheeks around him, and he takes in a shaky breath. His breathing is fast, and she watches him as his eyes close and his head falls back, panting softly as she bobs her head up and down, trying to take as much as she can while moaning herself. Hearing him moan felt almost as good as sex.

“I can’t. You’re. Driving. Me. Crazy.” Grayson says between his shallow breaths, half thinking he should be looking for his inhaler instead of losing his patience. He teased her the night before and now she’s punishing him and he’s not ashamed to admit he doesn’t have it in him to persevere. So, when it feels like his heart will burst, Grayson pulls back before moving in on her without reserve.

“You think that was funny, don’t you?” His snappy attitude only makes it more amusing as she licks her lips and smiles, evident she had every intention of torturing him for a long period of time. Much longer than he could withstand.

“Next time you want to try that, make sure I’m tied down and unable to escape.” Grayson growls before pushing her back down on the mattress and she giggles because she got exactly what she wanted – for him to relinquish control and fuck her into the mattress like there’s no tomorrow.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” She winks as his lips hover above hers. He rubs his cock over her entrance, playing with the wetness, and she gasps and shudders when he rubs it over her clit.

“I’d be careful about starting games you can’t finish.” With that warning, he smiles arrogantly, and slowly pushes his head in. Kissing her hungrily, hard enough that she imagined he’d bruise her lips too.

She wasted no time in spreading her legs further to help him adjust. He slowly makes his way in, breaking the kiss only to let himself groan into the crook of her neck, pecking every inch of skin he could get close to. She was tighter than he anticipated, a little harder to penetrate than the night before but she was still willing as her patience resolved and she pushed herself up, switching their places.

A little wild and unexpected, but she made him fall hard. The view before him only made his breathing shallow, panting as she took it upon herself to impale herself fully until she cried out softly.

“Are you okay?” Grayson struggled to speak as his breath turned ragged, making her worry more.

“Should have trusted the speed you were going with.” She managed a smile for him, starting to move on top of him as his hands gripped her hips again and she whimpered when his fingers found their match on the bruises he left behind. However, as she moved, Grayson’s guidance became scarce and his grip weakened when his breathing got louder, enough to make her open her eyes and look at the stubborn man under her who valued pleasure over his ability to breathe.

“You need your inhaler.” She concluded, reaching over him to the nightstand he left it on last night since he needed it after they were done too.

Handing him the inhaler, Grayson took a few puffs before tossing it aside, flipping her back under him so quickly she squealed in surprise.

“Thanks, love. Now, let me have my way with you.” He thrusts fast inside her, pulling out halfway and pushing back into her, holding her hips with a strong grip. His strokes are getting more erratic, faster and harder than before. He pumps fast and hard, with reckless abandon for a few moments before his fingers make play with her clit, making her gasp and buck her hips up to meet every thrust he makes until it drove them to the edge of madness.

He grabs a fist full of the bedspread as he shudders, feeling her cum and scream his name pushing him over the edge as well, ending their insatiable desire for a little while – enough for them to eat something.

He plants kisses to the inside of her knees, and she giggles, pulling them away. He smiles at her, pulling himself up before collapsing beside her, both breathing heavily, happily exhausted as they stare at one another – sweaty, messy hair and lazy smiles on both their faces.

But then the phone rings, interrupting the moment of comfortable silence.

“Ignore it.” She urges him, but the incessant ringing is making them both nervous.

“What if something happened?” Grayson bites his bottom lip before reaching out to see who is calling, finding his mother’s name on the screen. After all, he didn’t come home at all and she had the right to worry about her son.

“Answer it.” Y/N encourages him, aware that she can’t hold him in that room indefinitely, though she wishes she could.

“Hello?” Y/N watched him nod, changing his facial expressions every few seconds.

“I stayed with Y/N. I really don’t want to come today.” Grayson rolls his eyes and Y/N slaps his arm for being rude, even if his mother couldn’t see him.

“No. I’m not. I don’t care.” Groaning, he tossed the phone aside, sitting up with his hands in his hair and a frown etched on his face.

“Everything alright?” Her voice is gentle, soothing, a comforting note in the mess his head’s in.

“Ethan and Kristina are having a lunch for close family and they want me to come and I really don’t want to go.” Grayson explains, sighing as Y/N drapes her arms around him, her hands clasping before him as she leans almost entirely on his back, her head resting on his shoulder as her face is turned to him, pecking his cheek.

“Go. He’s your brother. You should be there for him.” Y/N’s words make sense, but Grayson didn’t want to leave her alone. He didn’t want to spend a single minute away from her. Her touch kept him sane and the way her body fit his perfectly would haunt him whenever she wasn’t with him. He just knew it.

“Not without you. I…If we leave this room, it just feels…definite. Like, all the memories we made will have been for nothing and when that happens, you won’t be mine.” Swallowing thickly, Y/N understood perfectly what he means by that. In this moment, they’re in a protected bubble of their own and although they didn’t say it, it has nothing to do with the deal they made but actual feelings that had been long buried finally came to life. Leaving their bubble might make it all go away. She feared it too.

“If I agree to go…we need to talk first. Like…what are we going to tell them when I get pregnant?” She raised an eyebrow as his hands gripped hers, pulling them apart before swiftly pulling her under his arm and onto his lap.

“I want to say we dated. At least for a little while.” No. He wanted to ask her to date him now. He wanted to ask her to be his, but she said no strings attached and he had no right to go back on that unless she asked him to.

“Okay. But Ethan might be an issue. You two basically lived together.” She reminds him, trying to keep a faint smile present though she wished he’d just stop this nonsense and tell her he wants her.

Does he not feel the magnetic force they’ve been brought together with?

Does he not feel how they’re made for each other?

She wished she could go back and ignore the no strings attached clause in their little agreement because she wanted all of him, all the strings attached.

“We spent weeks apart. I’ll just say it felt awkward and we wanted to be low-key but the pregnancy caught us by surprise.” He’s making these lies up too quickly, too well for her to ignore and she can’t help but wonder how he became a good liar. The Grayson she remembers had always been easy to read but he felt different now.

“Okay.” She hums in response, struggling to ignore his penis brushing against her bare ass.

“I need a shower.” She states, noticing him wiggle his eyebrows. “What?”

“Wanna save some water and shower together?” And while he’s cheesy as hell, she couldn’t help but love it – love him.

“Mom, dad, this is Y/N. My girlfriend.” Y/N had been dreading this moment for months, ever since she realized Ethan is serious about her and his jokes about her meeting his parents were anything but jokes.

“You’re beautiful.” Cameron noted, furrowing her eyebrows before looking at Ethan. “How did you trick her into dating you?”

And while the day went off without a hitch, his parents loving her, Y/N couldn’t help but worry she didn’t really fit in. She worried they pretended to like her, for Ethan’s sake.

“She’s a great girl. Why are you so worried?” Y/N hid as she heard Ethan’s parents talk in hushed voices, realizing it’s about her and while it seemed she had the support of his father, his mother wasn’t as happy.

“She’s great. But I feel she’s more suited for Grayson that Ethan. That’s all.”

It’s been a very long time since the moment Y/N hid in the shed while she heard Ethan’s mother say she’s not confident she should be with her son. It was never that she didn’t like her, she just didn’t find her to be right for Ethan. She wondered how she accepted Kristina, if she ever thought she wasn’t the one for Ethan too. However, she remained grateful to his father for being her defender. He had faith in them and she still remembers Ethan telling him he would marry her one day.

But that never came to be and while it hurt yesterday, she felt at peace with that now. Grayson reminded her of things she forgot along the way and she couldn’t hold it against Lisa any longer because she was right – she wasn’t enough, she wasn’t the one for her son. But Grayson? She really hoped she would be.

“Ready?” Grayson’s voice broke her out of her trance, making her heart jump. Drawing in a deep breath, she nods before hooking her arm with Grayson’s.

However, when they got inside, they found there was no party at all.

“Ma?” Grayson called out for his mother but she wasn’t the one to appear.

“Our flight is earlier than expected.” Ethan leaned on the wall, eyeing the pair suspiciously. “The party is canceled. Mom went with Kris and Cam to buy some last minute necessities.”

Making brief eye contact, Y/N looked away swiftly to hide her true emotions. Ethan always said cheeky was good and allowed her the freedom to be herself. They laughed so much, even in the most inappropriate times, but of everything they ever did, it was looking in his eyes she loved the most. That's all they ever needed to connect, just them, just eyes, no words. So yes, she avoided his gaze like the plague.

“In that case, we should go.” Grayson clears the tension, hating how even after last night and that morning where he claimed her as his, Ethan could just look at her and she’d be lost to him.

“So soon?” Ethan quipped, pursing his lips because he felt something’s askew.

“Y/N’s going back to L.A. soon and I want to spend all the time we have together.” Grayson remarked, taking her hand in his before pulling her back with him, slowly but firmly.

“Have fun on your honeymoon. With your wife.” Grayson adds for good measure, reminding both Ethan and Y/N why it’s best they leave.

Taking her out of there, his hand on her lower back, Grayson made sure he was fast and he left no room for Ethan to make a play on her emotions.

“I’m fine.” She tells him before he has a chance to ask, basking in her glorious smile right after for she holds his hand tenderly and pulls him closer, her other hand grasping his shirt to pull him down and meet her brazen lips.

Without complaints, Grayson accepts her supple lips and closes his eyes to fully enjoy the moment, blind to more than one spectator for his mother, sister and sister in law arrived shortly as their kiss consumed them, but the pair paid no mind to the world around them as they parted and got into the car with one goal in mind – hotel room, no clothes and a lot of screaming and laughing for days to come.

Barely leaving the room, Grayson and Y/N enjoyed each other’s company. She had found herself happily nuzzled in his side regardless if it’s to steal a kiss, make him smile or simply to rest her head as they watch a movie. There appeared to be no limit to their attraction nor their need to taste each other. Grayson loved discovering every inch of her skin, as if he is mapping her body to commit to memory.

“Do you really have to go?” He whines, his face buried in between her breasts, leaving open mouth kisses along her sternum.

“I have a job to get back to. But you’re gonna be there in a month too and we’ll know if this worked or not by then.” She smiles as he huffs, playing with his hair – wrapping every lock around her fingertips.

“Don’t take the test before I come.” He pleads, but she agrees far too quickly.

“Unless I get symptoms, I won’t.” She sighs, looking up at the ceiling. “I wish I never had to leave this room.”

“Me too.” He whispers softly, looking up at her with adoration in his eyes. “I can’t wait to see you again.”

And while he said it would be a month when they parted with one last kiss at the airport, Grayson already started to scheme how to shorten that time and go see the woman he was convinced is pregnant with his baby. He felt it in his bones and he couldn’t wait for a full month.

So, he made different preparations instead – he made room for himself in the Los Angeles branch of the company he and Ethan ran from New Jersey, making sure he’d be there with her every step of the beautiful journey. And he had every intention of making her his, permanently, in that time as well.

Little did he know when he arrives there in twenty days, he’d find his Y/N on a date with someone else.

When he saw her hug another, his heart cracked and he felt his chest constrict. Grayson holds his breath behind pursed lips, his hands forming fists to stop the shaking. She wraps herself around him, too close for his liking and he can’t help but wonder if their time together really meant nothing to her at all. He had hoped she’d abolish the no strings rule, but he felt silly now. She’s gazing through her overly made-up eyes with her cloying vapidity, simpering softly until he tells a joke. Then she giggles like she's a child, slapping his chest playfully while Grayson is stuck in the background, watching her with someone new…or perhaps it’s someone old she never told him about.

He can't say anything about it, to do so will put their friendship at risk, and that is something he won't do. Friends like her don't come along too often. But then again, can he ever go back to just friends after he’s had her in every imaginable way? Friends don’t know how you taste and he knew every inch of her skin. He knew her.

Clearing his throat, Grayson decided not to be a bystander again. He would never sit back and watch her leave with another man again and if he has to, he will fight for her love. This won’t be history repeating itself – he vowed it before walking toward them in strides, to make sure the hug is the only intimacy they have time for.

“GRAYSON?!” Before he can even make his presence known, Y/N catches him from the corner of her eye as he approaches, pushing away the other guy in her excitement only to run straight for her best friend, jumping into his embrace unexpectedly enough to make Grayson stumble upon impact.

“OOf! Slow down, love.” Grayson’s jealousy subsides long enough for him to wrap his arms around her, pressing her closer until he can hardly breathe but air is the last thing he needs now. All he needs is her and that flowery scent of her beautiful hair as he’s once again buried in it.

“SHUT UP!” She yelled, making him wince because she quite literally screamed in his ear but he smiles nonetheless. “I missed you so much.” Whispering softly, she hugs him tighter and he’s certain his lungs are no longer able to expand but it feel so, so good to have her return the emotions he’s been carrying around. It was insufferable to be apart from her, but the feeling of having her back in his arms couldn’t be described by any earthly words.

“Should I go?” The stranger Grayson forgot about had spoken up, making Y/N’s eyes widen before her hold on Grayson relents and she’s stepping back a moment later with a shy smile upon her lips.

“Yeah. I think that’s best.” Pressing her lips together, she waves the man goodbye as he shakes his head in disbelief, turns on his heel and walks away and maybe it’s because Grayson expected an altercation or because he needed it for his own ego boost, but he was disappointed... And a little too happy he was her obvious choice.

“Come on.” Tugging him by his arm, Y/N drags Grayson inside and while she wanted to be the innocent best friend he’s used to, she couldn’t wait long before she had him alone.

“So, uh…Who is that guy?” Grayson didn’t waste time. While Y/N planned to toss her clothes aside and make his jaw drop, Grayson shrugged his jacket off and shoes next, starting up what she hoped he’d ignore. But then again, discretion was never his strong suit.

“Are you? Jealous?" She teased with a cocky smirk upon her rosy lips, drawing him near with every passing second. Rolling his eyes, he shakes his head. Would it be smart to come clean so soon?

"Maybe. It's just...weird." Gulping, Grayson pulls away, something he never imagined he'd do. Whenever she’s a part of the equation, he only ever saw himself being impossibly close to her but now? He couldn’t let her just blatantly ignore his concern.

"Why?" Her eyebrows furrowed as she frowned, praying she's hiding the hurt of rejection well enough not to be caught by him, the man who knows her best.

"Because you might be pregnant and I really want this pregnancy to be our time. To be just us." Pressing his lips together, Grayson drops his gaze, his mind made up though his heart isn't. "But if you want to date I won't stop you."

But she didn't want to. Not at all. She wanted Grayson and perhaps that's why she decided to tell a white lie.

“I never even kissed the guy. He’s got a thing for me, but he just walked me back after work. It’s nothing important.” But that wasn’t the lie she planned to tell.

"I lied. I took the test and it was negative." She promised him she'd wait for him and she did, but she can't risk losing him yet. She needs more nights lost in him, drunk on his cologne and sloppy kisses. She isn't ready to let him go.

"Oh. I guess we need to keep trying. If that's what you want?" Fighting a smile despite his initial disappointment, Grayson took one step closer as her encouraging smile warmed his insides.

"Guess we should. How about we resume here? Now?" The best relationships are often when people are not the same, yet complimentary, each bringing qualities that help the other. This felt like that – they had the important things in common but they have always been different enough to make their lives exciting. So when she cocks her head to the side, giving him access to her neck, Grayson is quick to respond and latch his lips just over her sweet spot, relishing in the moan it elicited.

But it didn’t stop that night. It felt like New Jersey all over again – every moment they could spend together was filled with romance, dates, stolen kisses in public and openly sensual kisses in private. He drove her mad with every touch while she put his worries at ease with every kiss. While she sought an adventure filled life he provides, he wanted a woman that made him giddy with every new sunrise by her side.

From their beach dates to the late night dancing barefoot in the kitchen, stargazing and dinners and movies, to driving around just screaming to their favorite songs like they’re teenagers again. They wasted so much time…So many years they could have been happy were gone, but neither would ever let another moment slip away. So they used the passing months wisely, catching up on everything.

“Can you come home?” She left the message on his voicemail, unintentionally calling her apartment home and to some degree it’s become one. Grayson never found a place to stay since he was renting the house he and Ethan used to live in and she never wanted him to. But today, she needed him. Though he told her he’s going to be in meetings all day, Y/N was hoping he’d see her message and drop everything.

Realizing how selfish her thoughts are, she shakes her head before sighing. Anxiously looking at the pregnancy test in her hand, she toys with the idea of taking it alone and surprising him with it later. She figured maybe it wasn’t really positive and she just ate something bad. Besides, she had some blood on her panties a few weeks ago and while it wasn’t a normal period, blood is blood. Right?

Luckily, she didn’t have to deliberate for long. They always joked about how Grayson could feel whenever she needed him but it always proved to be true. Even now, without even thinking twice about it, he had showed up for her with a box of chocolates she adored.

“What’s the emergency?” Grayson worried because every time he felt her distress in the past, he found her either heartbroken over a guy or there was a death in the family – even if that one time it was a pet fish she grieved for.

“Oh.” Swallowing thickly, Grayson found the reason before she uttered a single word. “Did you take it?” His curiosity was strong, but his furrowed eyebrows showed just how it put him on edge too. If she’s pregnant, does it mean they no longer need to sleep together?

Did it mean she was once again off limits? Deep down, they both hoped it would be a negative, just so they could keep up their no strings attached relationship without putting their friendship at risk but what’s the point?

Are they not past that stage? Neither of them has guts to ask. Not even Grayson, even though he’s always been great in communicating his feelings with her, if his actual feelings for her didn’t count.

“No. I wanted to do this with you. Plus, I threw up this morning…three times…because of chicken.” His eyes show the kind of gentle concern she’s unaccustomed to. He lays his hand lightly on her shoulder, and instead of flinching like she usually does with others, she’s soothed by it. He leaves his hand there and speaks with such a soft voice that his words calm her more by the way they are said than the actual words.

“I’m here. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be there. Whatever you need.” It feels as if she’s wrapped in a blanket of his caring. How could she be scared of losing him when he’s never once left her side? How can she not consider her actions now when she could see how profoundly they affect him too? He’s always going to be the one. Perhaps it was Ethan for her teenage self, the woman she forced herself to be back then but it’s Grayson now…maybe it always was.

“I love you.” She whispers, terrified when his face falls and his eyes widen. She can feel the fear in her chest waiting to take over. Perhaps it only wants to protect her from more pain but there really isn't any danger. It sits there like an angry ball propelling her towards an anxiety she just doesn't need. 

It’s Grayson, he won’t hurt her.

Or so she tells herself.

“I’m in love with you.” She clarifies, her lips quivering as she speaks and he can’t believe the words he waited his whole life to hear are finally spoken.

“I waited my whole life to hear that.” Grayson’s lips twitch as a smile creeps up on his face, removing the serious man he was moments before and he can’t help but giggle like a baby when she pecks his nose – quickly as if she’s suddenly shy before him, as if he doesn’t know her body, movements and even the slightest changes in her facial expressions. He’s always known her better than anyone.

“I love you too. So fucking much…for so long.” He admits, eyes filled with tears as she too starts to cry from happiness.

“And I’m pretty sure we’ll have a baby.” She adds, waving her hands before her face to stop her makeup from spilling down her cheeks, but her smile never falters. Her eyes hold so many emotions at once, but her smile has only one purpose – to make him forget about all the worries he carries with him in the outside world.

“Let’s find out!” She scrambles to her feet, running into the bathroom as he watches her in complete bliss, happiest he’s ever been. She’s closing the door slowly, teasingly, keeping her eyes on him all the way before they’re shut and he can’t help but laugh when he hears her open the tap, aware she’s got a shy bladder and him being able to hear her is making it harder for her to pee.

He finally had an inner happiness, one utterly independent of the outside world. She smiled like it burst from within instead of being worn like an obligation in the way others did and Grayson never felt as grateful as he did just now, aware her smile will be a permanent presence in his life.

“It’s done.” She walks out with a slight spring to her step, holding the stick in her hand and she couldn’t stop her impatient pacing around Grayson, not even when he tried to pull her down to the bed with him. All he wanted was to kiss her and calm her as she does for him, but she needed this freak out. He understood that.

Glancing down, she huffed before her mind registered what her eyes caught sight of. There was an explosion in her brain - the good sort, the type that carries more possibilities than she could be conscious of, but there were hundreds of ideas of the future in that buzz of electricity... she could feel it. It was the calling card of adventure, of paths awaiting her feet. Whatever was ahead could be a great challenge, and there could be tears, but it was her adventure to take and so she smiled. After all, she wouldn’t be alone.

“It’s a positive.” She let the stick fall as Grayson stood up with his own emotions bubbling to the surface, allowing him to sweep her off the feet. Littering her neck with kisses, Grayson spun them around as she squealed, holding on tight with her legs wrapped around his waist.

Had someone told her she’s be in love with a baby on road five months ago when she attended Ethan’s wedding, she’d laugh at them. Not too long ago, she felt herself break for his twin only to realize she was in love with the wrong twin all along.

That night was different. She always felt Grayson put his emotions in every kiss and every move whenever they had sex, but the tenderness of their emotions being out in the open with the happy news overflowing their senses, it didn’t feel like sex. For the first time in her life she understood what it means to make love – to truly love someone with every part of your soul. She always kept some of her heart and soul for herself in past relationships, even with Ethan, but Grayson stole every last bit of her and yet she felt complete, fulfilled like never before.

That night felt right. He felt right.

“What will you tell your mom? Ethan?” She trails her fingers up and down his chest as his hand remains over her lower abdomen, hesitant to move an inch away just in case he feels something even though he knew it wasn’t likely.

“That I love you and you love me and we made ourselves a little miracle.” Grayson takes her wandering hand in his free one, pulling the back of it to his lips. As he leaves a lasting kiss, she grins but the thought of telling people still made her reluctant to leave the bed.

“I’m scared. They might hate me.” She admits sheepishly, looking up at him only to see his frown deepen.

“Ethan is married and my mom loves you. Cameron misses you too. It’s going to be fine and if it isn’t, I won’t let them make you sad. I’ll protect you.” Pecking her nose to seal his promise, he narrows his eyes in thought.

“You know what? I’ll text them all in the family group chat!” Grayson jumps from the bed, using the momentary shock to get away from Y/N before she shrieks. “It’s gonna be painless! I’ll send them a photo of the positive test to prepare them!” His explanation made no sense at all, of course, but he was fast, too fast for her to stop him.

“THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WE’RE A THING!” She screams, her head in her hands as she blinks fast, trying to understand why he’s doing this but it’s not hard to forget his continuous talks about wanting to be a dad their whole friendship. It was something to boast about for him, but she was mortified. She respected his mother and she felt it was something she should learn of in person, but he had a different idea.

“Fuck.” Grayson’s eyes widen, aware she’s right but it was too late. He had pressed sent before his mind could take responsibility and control over his body and it took exactly ten seconds for his phone to explode because not only did he send it, but he posted it online.

“Why are you pale? You’re literally changing shades!” Y/N jumped too, worried his mother was already freaking out on them but as she looked at his phone and the frantic attempt he made to hide what he’s trying to delete, she realized he had made the entire world freak out.

“GRAYSON BAILEY DOLAN!”

Within hours, their secret was out. Even if he wasn’t a YouTube star anymore, the fan base remained loyal and the photo from his Snapchat was everywhere.

“Shower and get ready while I book us tickets home. Your mom deserves a real explanation.” Y/N ordered as she put her hair up in a tail and he knew better than to argue. After the lecture she held for hours with several mutual freak outs, he knew it was better to be quiet and just be glad she’s not leaving his ass.

Kissing her temple, he was surprised she didn’t push him away as it was the first physical contact they made since his mistake spread worldwide.

“You’re letting me touch you?” It passed his lips without thinking, making her turn to him and her hands quickly found their way to his face, pulling him down to her lips. It was a short kiss, but a reassuring one.

“I’m not sure who you’ve dated but I love you and I’m not going to torture you, okay? You made a big fucking mistake but it’s not something I’d hold over your head. Just get ready.” As he disappeared in the bathroom and turned the shower on, Y/N planned to book tickets and get ready too, but fate had different plans when her bell rang in a few minutes and she opened the door only to have the shock of a lifetime.

Heart beating frantically, she tried to compose herself in order to hide just how upsetting it is to find him there without even calling first. She didn’t need him showing up at her doorstep now…had he done it eight years ago when they broke up after their two year long relationship, maybe then she’d be happy. Now? It was unsettling.

"Why are you here, Ethan?" She frowned, her eyes hard and her jaw set, no room for forgiveness in her but he had to try. Walking past her and inside, he licks her lips before opening his mouth again. He knew he had to choose his words carefully.

"I'm here for you." He could hardly speak, his mouth dry and his hands shaky, feeling like a teenager once again. She always made his insides turn with every look and every smile, but this felt different. She was his judge and jury and he sure as hell committed a crime against her.

"You have a wife, Ethan. You married the girl you told me not to worry about!" Y/N reminds him, memories of their undoing running through her mind.

"Oh, you're gonna kiss her?" Y/N gnawed on the inside of her cheek anxiously, aware this isn't exactly cheating, so why did it hurt? Why did it feel like betrayal? Whenever she looked at her photos, she envied her looks. She looked gorgeous, legs for miles and perfect smile Y/N admired but also envied. Ethan’s fans always made sure she knew how their thought her smile is hideous and after a time, Y/N believed them. She stopped smiling with her teeth, hiding it with her hand whenever she could, never aware of Grayson’s sorrow with every hidden smile. But this girl had the smile they’d like. It’s the first thought that haunted her.

"Just for the video. It's all pretend and she's not even my type, okay? I tried getting Grayson to do it, but he's adamant about being behind the camera. Babe, you have nothing to worry about." Brushing her hair back, tucking it behind her ear, Ethan cupped her cheek with a tenderness she had a weakness for. He had the ability to drive her crazy with such simple tricks and she hated him for it. But she loved the way he’d look at her with care, as if she was the only girl he could see.

And she was. Little did she know, Ethan never loved another like her. Not before her and not after, but at the time, he never imagined he’d ever have to look into eyes that weren’t Y/N’s. She had made him thankful for being alive, for every moment and memory they made together. Memories that would later torment him.

"You can even come to the set if it will make you feel better." Ethan offered but she refused instantly. If she’s so beautiful in the photos, Y/N couldn’t handle her in person. It would be too hard to see Ethan, the man she loves so much, locking lips with another, a girl more suitable for him as his mother said.

"I love you, but I can't trust myself not to go feral on her." Y/N chuckled, but she meant it. How do people do this so easily? How can you separate what’s real and what’s acting when you’re immersed in a scene and the other person? Would Ethan be able to? She was most afraid he’d fall in love with the leggy model and she’d be yesterday’s news like people speculated since they went public. Sure, they never specified which model but they sure as hell weren’t shy about shipping him with every woman in the world beside her.

A few months later

"Hawaii?" Not only is it her dream place to visit, but also a chance to be with Ethan and make beautiful memories, but timing was killing her. She wished to spend the mornings at the beach with Grayson and waking Ethan later when she’s all wet from the ocean and having sex in the shower after. She wanted to run wild in the nature surrounding them, to feel rain on her skin as he makes a declaration of his undying love. She wanted to watch the sun set in his embrace and go skinny dipping under the cloak of night.

"I really can't. My cousin is having that surgery and I'm the only family member around that can take care of her. Damn it." Letting out a frustrated sigh, she threw herself on the bed with a dramatic flare she picked up from him. If anything, it’s true that people in relationships appropriate each other’s behaviors.

"That sucks." Ethan followed her move, but he truly felt sad she wouldn't join the trip. After everything he's been through with his family and losing himself in the past year he finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel yet she was never waiting for him there. He woke up one day, finally feeling better and saw the distance between them and he feared what it would turn into if they don't reconnect. He easily forgot all the months she didn’t leave his side and her listening to every rant he could produce or her forgiving him every time he snapped at her. She was always there, but his insecurities had started to flood him and he couldn’t help but wonder if she’s avoiding spending time with him. He wondered if she loved him at all or if she found him to be the safe option – routine.

"You won't be alone. Grayson is gonna be there." She tried to cheer him up, unaware of the real list of all the people that would be going as well.

"And everyone else from the video. Plus some other friends." Ethan listed but all she heard was that Kristina would be there. She hated how deep it cut whenever her name came up, especially after the video went public and EVERYONE loved Ethan and Kristina as a couple. They made edits, videos, tagging Y/N in too many of them for her to really see them all but she saw enough. They made sure she knew she wasn’t good enough and they’d never accept her fully. He was always too good for her. At least in their eyes.

It wasn’t easy spending a week without him, complete radio silence. Knowing he was with her made her blood boil and her imagination wasn’t merciful either. But when he returned to her, it was with a smile and thoughtful gifts. As always, she couldn’t stay mad at him.

Soon after, Ethan had come to her with yet another dream trip planned out.

"But all my finals are during that time. I might have a week off for Christmas and New Year's but I'm swamped."

"It's fine." Ethan shrugged, aware there's no reason to fight. "I'll send you a ticked if you change your mind."

"You'll have Grayson. It’s gonna be awesome." Pecking his cheek, she leaned on his shoulder, suppressing the hurt of his continued choices of trips she wanted to take at times he knew she'd be too busy. Maybe it was a way for him to distance himself from her as he had been a bit snappy with every time she couldn’t show up for some gathering. Sometimes, she wondered if he was aware she wasn’t handed the world on a silver platter – she had to work, study, and tend to her family and friends too. He was finally doing better and she was ecstatic for him, but she couldn’t be his whole world.

"Kristina will pick us up!" Grayson screamed from somewhere inside the house, involuntarily adding fuel to the fire.

"She's gonna be there?!" And all her worst insecurities had resurfaced. Not only is he leaving to a different continent for a month or so, but he’d be there with the girl the world wants him with and at a time they seem to be struggling. Does she trust him? Yes. Can she say she’s not afraid he might break her trust? No.

"She's Australian and she’s gonna be there. So yeah." Ethan shrugs, lost to how it infuriates his girlfriend. He never did see the warning signs nor the way his fans’ comments tore her down and slowly scrapped her confidence to nothing. He had watched her light go out without ever doing anything to keep it safe.

"Is there a reason you keep taking trips with her whenever you know I can't leave LA?" She crossed her arms, standing up as her anger bubbled to the surface and her jealousy began to show. Accusations thrown were proof enough their relationship is crumbling, loss of trust filling the cracks left by their lack of communication and as time went by, they allowed the cracks to grow too big.

"No, but you're gonna find one." He grumbled and she only chuckled in disbelief.

"Nice. Turn it against me. Make me out to be the bad guy."

"Look, I can't keep doing this. Your unfounded jealousy is driving me nuts and if you can't trust me, why are we together?" He raised his voice but kept his cool, noticing her arms fall at her sides. It’s exactly what she always feared…he’d find a reason to cast her aside. All she could think is when did he last cry because she was hurt, or come running because he thought she needed help? He used to be so attentive and she understood when he needed to be cared for after his loss but he never really cared for her after that. She became the one making efforts to heal him while her own heart and mind were breaking in the process.

"Are you ending this? Leaving me?" She stumbled over her words as her heartbreak sounded like an explosion inside, making her legs weak.

"I'm saying I need a break. To think. To remind myself why we fell in love in the first place. You were supposed to be the one who stood by me forever and instead you are so mentally fragile that you can't believe in me against the smallest of whispers. But I stand by my offer. I'll send you a ticked if you want one."

Looking back at it now, Ethan knew it was mostly his own insecurities and depression talking and he hung around Kristina so much at first because he felt like that's the only time Y/N shows she cares for him. He had no idea he'd fuck up so bad. He had no idea he was breaking her to the point of no return and that he’d lose her forever.

"I know. But say the word and I'll leave her. We can try again. We can be what we should have been back then!" The way he talks is through his entire body, using his hands, facial expressions, every tool he can use to convince her, make her fall for him again.

"Like the tickets you promised to send me back then? The ones I never got?" And then it dawned on Ethan. Grayson told him he'd handle it. He sabotaged them.

“I asked Grayson to do it…I thought you had them and just didn’t want to come.” Ethan leaned back on the wall for support, wondering why his brother would ever do that to him when he knew Y/N was his sun back then. And even after.

“Right. Nice excuse there.”

“I’m not lying!” Ethan exclaims, shaking his head. “I’m not even sure where he is, but when I find him, I’ll kick his ass before finding out who’s the poor sap that let him impregnate her.” Ethan’s jaw clenches as he takes a step toward Y/N who reacted on instinct when she stepped back, her eyes relaying uncertainty she feels and the slightest bit of fear once she feels the alcohol on his breath.

“Just stay there.” She’s shaky, her mind running with a thousand worries and none of them are giving her room to breathe. Placing a hand over her lower abdomen, she turns her body sideways to protect her unborn child. She didn’t think he’d hurt her in any way, but she didn’t know him as well as she used to and alcohol was never a peaceful companion.

“I just want to hold you.” Ethan croaks, stepping closer when Grayson finally shows up.

“Stay away from her.” Getting in between them, Grayson shields Y/N from Ethan, holding Ethan’s gaze long enough to allow her to slip aside and take a deep breath. While he’s still dripping wet with nothing but a towel hanging low on his hips, Grayson stood proudly before his girl.

“You’re here?” Ethan chuckles, but then his smile is erased when he takes a good look at them both. “You’re here.” He repeats, realizing the horrifying truth he guessed before but never quite believed it.

“Did you…did you impregnate the love of my life?” Eerily quiet, his tone is sharp and voice low, deep and rumbling as his anger clouds his vision.

“You mean the love of my life? You married your girl, Y/N’s always been mine. You took her from me and I wasted ten years of my life watching you take her heart before breaking it. I won’t ever hurt her like you did. Now get out and come talk to me when you’re sober.”

Nostrils flared, Ethan nods, gnawing at his bottom lip as he glances at Y/N and walks back. Hands in his pockets, he chuckles lowly before walking out, leaving the pair alone.

“Are you okay?” Grayson’s concerned voice quickly makes its way to her heart, allowing it to beat at a peaceful pace, once again with the one she loves.

“Yeah.” She manages before hugging him, hiding her face in his chest with new cloud of doubt in her mind…did Grayson really sabotage them?

Their flight was almost twelve hours later, missing the one she wanted to catch while they cuddled to calm down. It was mainly for her benefit and Grayson was happy to oblige.

She was quiet. When Grayson picked up their suitcase, she simply pecked his cheek as a thank you. When Grayson had to swerve to avoid a crash, wide-eyed as he asked her if she's okay, she placed her hand on his knee and nodded. When they sat for hours during their flight, she stared through the window and Grayson felt the lump in his throat grow with every passing minute.

Despite what she may think, Grayson heard a good deal of the conversation she held with his brother...the man she used to whisper I love you before him. Knowing Ethan wants her back and is willing to blow his entire marriage too had made Grayson revert back to the angry, doubtful, hesitant man he was when he first lost her to his brother and it hurt...it hurt that she chose Ethan who had his face but a vastly different personality. Grayson felt inadequate, unworthy, unlovable and to feel that way again, ten years later and when she's pregnant with HIS child? It was worse than before. Insufferable, absolutely soul-aching and tiresome.

Did she regret it now? Regret him and their unborn child? Did she hate him for not sending those tickets? Was she wondering what her life would be like if he had sent them?

Whether he wanted to or not, he certainly thought about it. Imagining them making up, staying together and getting married, his Y/N having his twin's children? It made him sick to his stomach. And frightened of the future, of the simmering fire in her mind as it uncovers every memory she has from that time.

And she did. For a moment, the thought of Ethan crossed her mind but she didn't linger too long on what could have been, rather on why. She wished she knew why Grayson did what he did back then and if he didn't intervene, would Ethan be sitting next to her instead? Maybe...but he isn't and she should ask Grayson for the truth but she knows he's insecure about her past with Ethan, even if he doesn't voice those concerns.

So, instead of rehashing the past, she gave herself time to get over it in order to protect Grayson from any hurt. She told him she loves him, she's carrying his child - isn't that enough to prove he's the one she wants?

"It's going to be fine." Grayson places his palm over the back of her hand that laid flat on her thigh. He could tell she's worried as her gaze fixed on the house he grew up in, overwhelmed with possible scrutiny she may face. He wouldn't let her take the heat.

Interlocking their fingers, he saw her lips quiver momentarily before she pressed them together, turning back to him with a reluctant nod.

"I know." Her heavenly voice eased his own anxiety, making him smile in return before their hands parted and they left the car.

And as they move inside, Grayson placed his hand on the small of her back, looking at her with admiration. He should be worried, but he can't find it in him to regret anything that happened between them in the past five months. The only thing he regrets is the time wasted they could have spent together.

However, the moment they walk in, their worry is replaced by utter surprise when they're met with a rather happy little group.

"Congratulations!"

Lisa, Cameron and her husband, Kristina and...Ethan, all clapped as Grayson and Y/N half embraced one another, Grayson's grip stronger to make sure she doesn't fall back in shock. He looks to Ethan for a moment, wondering how he got there so fast but decides to keep quiet. It's the best thing for everyone.

"Oh, wow!" Y/N exclaims, struggling to draw a proper breath as everyone cheers and though it's meant to ease her mind, it made her more confused.

"You know?" Grayson turns to his mother who nods, laughing.

"Since the wedding. We saw you two sneaking around!"

Cheeks red and eyes set on the floor, Y/N smiles awkwardly, finding it's even worse when they seem to be so accepting, especially after Ethan came to her door not too long ago, with an offer to leave his wife for her and now he had an arm around his wife's waist.

"Don't be so shy, you're giving me my first grandchild! Plus, you've been a part of the family for so long that I'm happy we are actually family!"

Going through motions, that's how it felt. Everyone's hugging her, kissing her, touching her stomach and all she can focus on is the unrelenting, piercing gaze of her former boyfriend. She'd glance around the room, simply to see if she's the only one that notices, but no one else picked up on the dynamic between her and Ethan. Even Grayson seemed oblivious.

"So, everyone is going off to bed." Grayson whispers in her ear, kissing her neck delicately as she smiles, leaning back into him.

"So, what do you suggest we do?" She raises an eyebrow, craning her neck to peck his Adam's apple, relinquishing control as he sways them lightly to the beat of their hearts.

"Maybe you could talk to me?" Ethan startles them, making their little moment end prematurely when Grayson really wanted to slow dance with her where he once saw his parents do the same. He thought it would be romantic, but he found himself ticked off instead.

"You need to stay in your lane, bro." Grayson warns, his face dark as he meets Ethan's longing stare - the one he wore since he met Y/N and he knew Ethan could see he was suffering yet he never cared, so why should he?

"I'll talk to you." Y/N, however, had a different idea. Perhaps it was time to talk, calmly without any bitterness inside her.

"You don't have to." Grayson reminds her, but she just nods, silent again as her lips touch upon his, barely long enough for him to feel anything before she walked away, outside where he feared he might lose her again.

He swore he'd never stand by and watch her walk away with Ethan or any other man again, but he found himself doing it once more.

"So, I'm not going to be the enemy forever?" Ethan leaned on the wall, his eyes alight with the lamp above his head.

"I'm here to close that chapter of our lives." She folds her arms over her chest, absentmindedly tapping her foot against the wet ground beneath her feet.

"Close? So it was open all this time?" Ethan's voice beckons her to respond, his regrets written on his face and he couldn't hide it at all. If he knew he had a chance at any point in time, he'd have taken it.

"Until I saw you get married, I had trouble letting you go." Y/N admits, looking back at the house and up at the room she and Grayson are meant to share is already illuminated by the lamp beside the bed.

"But not anymore. I love Grayson and I think a small part of me always did." Smiling, she looks back at Ethan who swallowed thickly, nodding with a heavy heart.

"Was any of it real? Did you ever love me or was I always the wrong brother? The one you settled for? Why does this hurt so much?" The way he bows his head, unable to look her in the eye is breaking her heart because once upon a time, Ethan really was her prince charming. It hurts to see him so consumed with the past they left behind long ago - the past that consumed her too, up until Grayson saved her from it.

"Because it was real. You stole my heart when I least expected it." The joy in her voice when she spoke about them made his heart break further and even the light her eyes held when she remembered the time he had made her so incredibly happy made him smile despite the pain.

"I loved you for a really long time, Ethan, but I can't lie and say that the main reason why I didn't say yes to you when you first asked me on a date wasn't Grayson. I buried those feelings for years and I fell in love with your beautiful soul and brilliant mind but you also broke my heart and damaged my ability to trust people and love. You found a really good woman, E. Maybe it's time you appreciate her and let me go." Pressing her lips together, she let out a heavy sigh as he kept his gaze steady on her, his eyes sparing no tears as they fall freely.

"Okay? You can love me and still let me go. Because I let you go. For good." And with that, she took a step back, walking back to the house and with every step she felt lighter, happier, while Ethan remained behind.

"You can get out now." Ethan spoke up once she entered the house, looking up at the roof where he heard his brother hiding. He always listened in to people talking as a kid, well...they did it together. He had a feeling Grayson wouldn't miss this talk.

Looking down, Grayson rolls his eyes, slowly moving himself down. He had to be careful or Y/N would kill him if he hurt his back. Maybe she'd kill him for being there at all. It occured to him she may see it as his lack of trust in her, but it was more about his fear of not being enough for her...thank maybe Ethan was still a fresh wound for her.

"You won. She chose you." Ethan says, kicking a rock with his hands in the front pockets of his sweatpants.

"I didn't doubt she would." Grayson shrugs, but he was never a good liar. Ethan could always read him.

"Riiight. Look, I'm sorry. I won't be doing any stupid shit anymore. I had my chance and I blew it and...Looking back at it, I was the one who stole her from you. Deep down, I knew you loved her but a part of me didn't care because I loved her too. I convinced myself she didn't feel the same for you but you two were always closer. She was so much like me, but she always found common ground with you. You made her laugh like I never could and if she's gotta be with someone else, I'm glad it's you."

Finally at peace, Grayson and Ethan parted ways that night as brothers once more. Ethan made his way to his wife, promising himself to show her love she deserves and Grayson? He went to his soulmate with arms wide open, a promise to be the best father he can be and if she allows, husband as well.

"How are you?" He whispers, his hand back on her stomach as she laid on her back beside him.

"Happy." She hums, letting out a heavy sigh.

"But?" Grayson knew that sigh and he knew her, she was holding out on him.

"I finally cut ties with Ethan, but I can't help myself...why didn't you send those tickets?" Looking up at him, she pondered if he'd tell her the truth but he had no reason to lie now, did he?

"Because he told me to send you tickets the same day I saw him kiss her for the first time. I didn't want you to come there and pick up on their shit only to be stuck in Australia for the holidays." Kissing her forehead, Grayson drew a shuddered breath.

"And maybe because I worried he'd find a way to convince you to forgive and forget." But Y/N felt this meant more. Did he think she'd do that this night too?

"You know I love you? Since you asked me to cook for you in return for a watch! And this...you and me and this miracle we made...it's everything." Turning to her side, she splayed her palm on his chest, over his heart.

"You gave me your heart Grayson and I plan to keep it safe for as long as I live."

"Marry me then."

He didn't expect her to agree, not ever let alone when he asked so spontaneously without a ring or a big romantic gesture. Her nails weren't done anyway to show off the ring as most girls seemed to like.

"Yes!" But she did. Enthusiastically so. Her lips smashed against his instantly, turning his brain to mush.

But that night was only the beginning of their relationship.

While their families wanted a big wedding, planning everything because Y/N only wanted the final word on the choices they make with an occasional “LET’S ELOPE” freak out, the pair spent time enjoying their love and the growing life inside Y/N.

"It's a girl." Y/N claimed, but Grayson didn't care as long as the baby is healthy. Ever since the first ultrasound when he heard a heartbeat, Grayson was impatient to meet the baby and became stubbornly overbearing with Y/N.

She didn’t mind…too much. She’d catch him staring at her as her belly grew, noticing how in awe he is of her, unaware he’s wondering how one so fragile and tiny could grow a human inside and actually bring it into the world. He wasn’t the type to sit back and let her deal with it – he got involved. Grayson listened to audio books on pregnancy, delivery and raising children every day while he built some of the things he wanted for the nursery, always when she was asleep.

They agreed to raise their family in Los Angeles, mainly because Grayson knows Y/N hates snow and the LA climate appealed to her more. But then again, he insisted he should have free reign on the nursery, building everything he can to make it special for their child.

With every passing month, he’d measure Y/N’s belly and note it, downloading an application that helped him keep up with the development.

“Sigh.”

“Did you just say sigh out loud?” Grayson couldn’t help but chuckle at his fiancé, smitten by her even though she was increasingly complaining of her looks – something he made sure to stop with unlimited compliments every day, loving her even when she was terrorizing him with pregnancy cravings and sleepless nights that came with her newly developed snoring problem. Grayson truly adored every part of this pregnancy, especially how horny she became.

“I’m bored.” Sheepishly, she puts her leg over Grayson’s, his hand reacting on instinct as it rubs up and down her calf, lightly massaging her aching muscles.

“The doctor told you to rest. So, you’ll do just that and I’ll be your slave as promised.” Grayson tried to reason with her so many times before, but every time he turned his back on her he’d find her up and about. She is stubborn, but very much ready to have the baby they decided not to find out the sex of.

“I know! But I want to take a walk and get ice cream and have reckless, rough sex without this huge stomach making it impossible. And I want a drink…so bad…but I want to breastfeed too! Oh, God, I didn’t think this through.” Hiding her face in the pillow…as much as she could without turning over on her stomach, Y/N cried out of pure frustration while Grayson rubbed her back and held her close.

Hormones in the last trimester weren’t as helpful as they were in the first two. She cried ten times a day, mostly over the silliest things like “The sun is so pretty” or “That shirt fits you so well” and even “Why do I have to pee again”. Regardless how silly it was, he’d never tell her. Her body is undergoing massive changes and all because she’s going to give him the greatest gift of all – a chance to be a father and start a family, to be a man he wanted to be.

But when her water broke just a couple of days later, neither of them were quite ready for it. While Grayson ran around the house, gathering things she’d need in the hospital he made a Pinterest board about, Y/N was trying to remind herself why she did this in the first place.

It’s all fun and games until the pain starts to set in.

“Oh, we should have gotten a surrogate.” She whined as he helped her in the car, thanking his lucky stars he had the keys at hand and didn’t forget them like Ethan teased him he would.

“You’re doing great, love!” He wanted to be calm and supportive, but even Grayson was screaming in a state of panic and he’d laugh if he didn’t find it quite tragic how he’s acting like a scared teen when he’s almost thirty.

“DON’T SCREAM AT ME!” However, he had to reel it in when she started to cry again, realizing he’s scaring her more. But as they got to the hospital and Y/N went straight to the delivery room, Grayson held her hand all the way through – constantly reminding her to breathe so the child could breathe too, guiding her as much as he could between the hand crushing squeezes she’d administer with every push.

Grayson felt like every fiber of his being was vibrating with anticipation. Adrenaline was coursing through his veins. His hands trembled and his eyes were wide. The moment he heard that first cry was also the moment he felt his life had begun and he never felt such gratitude to the universe that gave him Y/N, his soulmate, who was gracious enough to give him the love of his life. Or two other he’d get in the next four years – their rainbow babies - twins, a boy and a girl.

“You were right. It’s a girl.”

This world is quite astonishing, when you claw your way out of the mire of dysfunction. When you first look over the horizon and see nature without the haze of discontent and petulance. Without any filter, with the naked eye and mind open to the beauty of this world, amazement comes. When you see those simple things, when you can fall in love with the simplest things, everything gets so much better. The larger things become almost overwhelming, the sense of love so much stronger. It is then you realize that before you lived a half-life, greyed and without the warmth each human is born with.

Tags: @mendesficsxbombay​ @beinscorpio​ @peacedolantwins​ @godlydolans​ @dolandolll​ @heyits-claire​ @ethanhes​

Their Rainbow Baby - deleted scene

[sheadre]

The Rogue Cultivator Part 1 (WWX x Reader x LWJ)

Summary: You’re a rogue cultivator who ran away from home because you were accused of a crime you’ve never committed. You find yourself at Burial Mounds and accidentally in the Yiling Patriarch’s bed. What happens?

Warning: mentions of sex, blood and violence

Word count: 2000+

You felt like your feet were about to fall off. You were traveling since months now and you felt exhausted. Your sword was on your side and the small bag you managed to pack was on your back as you climbed the mountain. This place was your last hope of escape. Your brother was trying to catch you because everyone thought you killed his fiancée. The truth was that the woman went suicidal instead of marrying your brother. Rumours said she was already in love with a fisherman’s son by the time your brother noticed her and started courting her. Of course, her family wanted her to marry into your family for the wealth and fame.

You tried to open your eyes again as exhaustion seemed to take over you but was unable to. Your body was so heavy and you felt like your soul was leaving it. The wind caught in your robes and pushed you to the ground before everything went black and unconsciousness took you over.

…

You heard faint rustling from your side. A hard surface was pushing against your back and you smelled the dry grass that filled your pillow. Some happy voices chatting away further from your spot as something wet and cold touched your forehead. You hissed in surprise and tried to sit up but was pushed back by a gentle hand.

“Stay put, please” the female voice added “please” reluctantly. You slowly opened one eye and then the other before you cleared your throat and tried to speak.

“W-where am I?” your voice sounded rough like it wasn’t used in ages.

“You should tell us why are you here in the first place” her voice grew cold and cautious. “You’re the one who was trespassing our territory.”

“I’m-I’m (Last Name) (Courtesy name)” you replied coughing. Your throat was so dry but it was like she knew what you needed. The woman handed you a cup of water, her delicate hands steadying it in yours. When you looked at her a second time, you noticed her lean features, her flawless skin, the deep brown eyes that held concern and cautiousness at the same time. Her lips were pursed as she watched you gulp the water carefully. “I came from Guihai (last name) shi… they’re looking me for something I haven’t done.”

“Oh, really? What are they accusing you with?” a male voice asked. It sounded… cold and hurt. You couldn’t look at the young man because turning your head was almost impossible with how much it hurt by just moving it a bit. You sighed with a pained smile on your lips.

“They think I killed my sister-in-law” you said. You had nothing left to fear for and at this point you considered just letting your brother execute you. You were tired, lost everything in seconds months before… you had no future to hope for.

“Did you?” the guy asked again his voice closer now. You felt resentful energy surrounding you choking you a little. You took a deep breath trying to calm yourself. Your father and mother were murdered by resentful energy… someone’s resentful energy.

“No” your voice was firm as you bit the word out. “I had nothing against her. She was just an unfortunate soul who had to marry my brother.”

“Then what happened to her?” he asked the resentful energy subsiding some. He was standing next to you, you could smell his scent.

“She committed suicide” you replied. “She hated my brother for he took her against her will, forced her into the marriage when she was already about to marry a fisherman. He practically took her from the wedding reception telling people that he had the right as the sect leader.”

You felt disgusted that you shared the same blood with him. How shameless he was to do such a thing! You spit his name out angrily but pain shot through your head making you hiss in pain.

“Aiya!” you grabbed your head and groaned in pain. Hands grabbed at you laying you back down carefully. His hands were large, his fingers slender but his face was what caught your attention. He was handsome… you thought you stopped finding others attractive since your first love rejected you. You thought you would never feel anything after him… but this guy… he was unique. Darkness took you again as you blinked.

…

It took you another day to completely gain consciousness. You felt like yourself again as you stretched and moved carefully on the bed. You looked around for the first time noticing it was a cave, not a room. The guy now sat at a fireplace tinkering with something. He was tall and lean; he was wearing black robes and his hair had a crimson red ribbon in it.

“Have anyone told you that staring at others is rude?” he asked without turning to you.

“Well, if the scenery is pretty, who could blame me?” you asked back jokingly. He straightened up his posture telling you he was not only surprised but flattered making you roll your eyes with a smirk. “Anyway… it is time for me to thank you for taking me in.”

“They’re looking for you” he said suddenly standing up and turning to you. You huffed in annoyance and stood up carefully.

“Then it is time for me to depart” you replied grabbing your sword and small bag.

“You don’t even want to stay? Hide?” his question made you laugh mirthlessly. Where could you hide? There was no place where your brother wouldn’t find you sooner or later. You would die a painful death but you could prevent innocent people getting caught in the middle.

“There’s no place for me to hide” you shook your head. “But what I can do is not letting innocent people get in between me and my brother. I don’t want to be responsible for their deaths.”

It sounded selfish and dismissive but you felt like he knew your motives, knew your true intentions. His brown eyes looked back at you with genuine concern and softness.

“He cannot break in here” his only reply reverberated in the cave. “You shouldn’t take too much burden on your own. Trust me, I know.”

“Then at least tell me your name if we’re going to be living under one roof” you smiled warmly at him.

…

Months passed in peace. You taught the young girls how to embroider clothes and helped Wen Qing out whenever she needed you to. You got along with everyone and helped them as much as you could. Wei Wuxian was tinkering with something which ended up exploding again. You coughed as you approached the cave with your heart in your throat. He managed to wound himself last time which you had to take care of for two weeks. He had no golden core which caused him to be more vulnerable.

“Don’t come inside! Stay out everyone!” his voice was distant.

“Wei Ying!” you cried out as you made your way through the fog coughing hard.

“I’m fine, I’m fine!” he replied coughing and a large black mass bumped into you tumbling both of you to the ground. You groaned as you held onto his black robes. Large hands squeezed your hips making you yelp in surprise and you felt something heavy resting on your chest, between your breasts. When you looked down you immediately went red in the face.

“When did you get so soft, (Last Name) guniang?” his voice rumbled through your stomach as his chest was pressed against it.

“Well… around thirteen or fourteen, girls start to develop certain curves naturally” you said trying to hint at where his face was resting. Wei Wuxian jumped up grinning sheepishly at you making you lift your eyebrows unamused. He helped you up on your feet avoiding your gaze. You waved around in the air with your hand to clear the air as the others ran inside concerned.

Wei Wuxian made everyone see that no one got hurt ushering them out. Meanwhile, you became overwhelmed with a strange feeling. Your pulse elevated, your heart pumping rapidly and your whole body felt hot. What exactly was Wei Wuxian experimenting with? A hand circled around your upper arm drawing your attention to a flushed Wei Wuxian.

“I told you to stay outside” his voice sounded husky. His usually brown eyes looked almost completely black, his lips parted, his nostrils flared. “You should… we should stay separated… the powder…”

“What were you tinkering with?” you asked irritated and nervous. You had a slight recognition of what it could be but you tried to deny those thoughts. Your eyes kept wandering to his plump lips just like his followed yours.

“A potion for the chicken… to ensure the eggs were fertilized” Wei Wuxian averted his gaze as the redness crept up on his neck to his face.

“An aphrodisiac?!” you cried out incredulously. You were trembling by then. You couldn’t deny your attraction to him but ever since you saw him interact with Lan Wangji who visited the Burial Mounds a couple weeks ago, you knew there could never be more than friendship between the two of you. Maybe this way… you could know how it would feel and then it would be easy to deny any feelings saying it was all the aphrodisiac. No… using him was out of the question. Wei Wuxian was your friend, your saviour who kindly took you in and let you stay. No… no… but he looked so enticing standing in front of you. You could smell him… feel his presence.

Suddenly the opening of the cave was closed off by something large drawing your attentions to it. Wen Qing’s voice came from over the barrier.

“We’ll quarantine you guys because there was something fishy with that fog, stay alive please!” your eyes widened. What the actual hell?! You weren’t horses because this was exactly like when horse breeders wanted their horses to have offspring.

“This is the worst idea, Wen Qing! Let us out or let (Last Name) (First Name) out! She needs to be away from me!” Wei Wuxian cried out desperation in his voice. Your heart sank at that. He must know what would happen if the two of you were closed in together for long… and he sounded like he dreaded it.

“Sorry, but we cannot risk getting infections or anything!” Wen Qing replied and you heard everyone quickly fled the scene. Wei Wuxian suddenly whirled around, looking at you with his eyebrows knitted together.

“(Name), please stay away from me… I have no clue what will happen if we…” he gulped as his eyes landed on your chest, his cheek turning pink. He screwed his eyes shut as he turned away and went into the other end of the room where Wen Wing liked to keep herbs. You watched him search the sack hurriedly. “You have to take these, every twelve hours… in case… we… um…”

“End up having sex?” you asked quirking an eyebrow. You were aware of the bright blush covering your cheeks and the tight feeling in your chest. You licked your lips as you watched him straighten up from his crouch and turn to you. You had no idea what came over you as you walked up to him. You took the herbs from his hand and bit out a chunk chewing before swallowing the sour tasting vegetables. His brown eyes flashed with arousal as he watched your Eve’s apple bob. “Is it so horrifying to imagine that happen? Are you disgusted? Are you repulsed by the idea?”

His lips parted at seeing your angry and hurt expression. You turned around to leave him alone as much as you could now that you were locked inside the cave. Thud. Wei Wuxian pulled you back into a hug, your back to his chest.

“I only thought about Lan Zhan like this… but you… you’re different (Name)” he breathed. Your heart throbbed in your chest knowing it was only the aphrodisiac speaking.

“Let me go, Wei Ying” you mumbled as you tried to get out of his hold but he only tightened it.

“The aphrodisiac is not meant to cloud our minds” he said. “It is to strengthen up the already existing.”

Your eyes widened, your hands falling to your sides. His arms loosened around you just to slide down your arms and hold onto your hands. Wei Ying pressed against you, lowering his head into the crook of your neck, his nose brushing your skin. “I dreamt of you before… never thought it would come true…”

Your breath hitched in your throat as his hands left yours and slid up your waist towards your breasts, cupping them through the fabric of your robes. You felt his lips press soft kisses on the skin of your neck. The heat inside your chest rising. “Would you become my wife?” Your breath hitched at his words. Wei Wuxian was the only one spinning in your head ever since you arrived to Burial Mounds. But were you ready to bond yourself to him forever? Were you ready to give everything to him? You turned around catching his gaze with yours and you knew. You were ready, even if he would leave you one day for someone else.

Your lips pressed against his in a soft, unsure kiss which he responded by deepening it and leading you. His hands were all over you, pulling you in, pushing you away, caressing every inch, worshipping you. Your bodies moved in sync on the furs covering the stone he used as bed. His muscles rippled under his porcelain skin as he moved, your pants filling the cave as pleasure took over your minds.

     Months later ~  

You were out of town looking for herbs when they left. When everything turned upside down. When Wei Wuxian went to fight the sects all alone. You arrived back to the Burial Mounds just to find it completely empty. By the time you reached Qishan, the battle already erupted. Bodies laid lifelessly on the ground; the crimson colour of their blood flowed like river. You saw Jiang Wanyin clutching on his sister’s corpse, crying hopelessly. Hanguang-Jun was fighting off attackers, most people didn’t even know who to attack.

It took you quite some time to find Wei Wuxian trying to gain control over the corpses but he was struggling. People just wanted the Stygian Tiger Seal but they had no idea what to do with it. Only knew that it could be powerful. Corpses attacked you too as you tried to make your way to Wei Ying. No one knew who you were or how could a female cultivator be so powerful as you practically cut down zombies without any effort, walking through the battlefield like it was a clearing in the forest. You had to protect your husband and if today was your last day, then you will happily die with him. Your conscience was clear. Your brother was trying to hunt you down with fabricated charges.

“Wei Ying!” you cried out as you saw him standing at the edge of the cliff. As you jumped after him to catch your husband, the memories of your few months together flashed before your eyes. Tears ran down your cheeks as your hand grasped his firmly. You gritted your teeth as you strained to keep him from falling into the abyss.

“A-(Name)” he breathed with a smile that held such sadness, such pain that broke your heart into another million pieces. You felt yourself slowly slide forward because he was always heavier than you. You cried out in pain from the strain but you were ready to fall after him while holding his hand. There was nothing for you to stay. However, a strong hand grabbed both of yours, pulling at them. You could smell the scent of sandalwood under the sweat and blood that filled your nostrils.

“Wei Ying!” Hanguang-Jun tried to pull him up with you but in vain. Jiang Cheng appeared out of nowhere and was about to strike down with his sword when your husband wrenched his hand out of your grip. It was like someone slowed the time down. Tears fell from your eyes as you watched him disappear beneath.

You had no idea how you got out of the battle or how you managed to get back to Burial Mounds. You crawled on your hands and knees into the cave leaving blood stains behind. You knew that you were about to die. Someone managed to stab you even if you only fended off corpses. You leaned your back against the stone bed the one you slept in with him. You heard rustling coming from the entrance but you had no energy to defend yourself.

“Y-you…” you heard the deep voice of Hanguang-Jun making your eyes widen in surprise. You never expected him to come after you.

“Han-Hanguang-Jun…” you spluttered out some blood as you looked up at him. His eyes looked back at you with such intensity you felt like you would burn alive from it.

“Who are you?!” he asked.

“There’s no time… please let me go” you mumbled as darkness took you. But it wasn’t cold as you expected. It was warm and welcoming.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

You sat up gasping for air. You felt the soft fabric of bedding underneath your hands. Warm breeze hit your skin as it passed through the open window. The place was unfamiliar to you as you looked around. Soft footsteps approached, your head turning to see Hanguang-Jun stopping in front of you.

“Now we have time” he said quietly but his tone was firm. You smiled sadly up at him and nodded. Fate had different plans for you.

     End…?  

[themonkeycabal]

Omg. I just had a hilarious thought - imagine how destructive a bored Run Verse Darcy & Tony would be if they got stuck in quarantine, especially with Bucky egging them on. Poor Pepper and Rhodey! 😆

Darcy: Quarantine Day 1. The governor has ordered everybody to stay home. Businesses are shut. The Super Flu is raging across the world. It pretty much sucks. I’m bored already. 

Darcy: Day 4, dad and I have repurposed his Iron Legion as Iron Florence Nightingales. It’s going well; they can’t get sick, and are equipped with quick-draw lysol wipes. We probably should have given the hospitals a heads-up about the robots turning up, though. Also, Pepper says it’s still only Day 1 and that it’s only 9:13 in the morning. Time has no meaning anymore. 

Darcy: Day 8 (Pepper: Day 2), dad is trying to build a port in his head to just directly input every bio chem and epidemiology book and paper ever. No plague will defeat us. Pepper won’t let us drill a hole in dad’s head. 

Darcy: Day 14 (Pepper: still day 2, afternoon), Pepper has quarantined us after the trepanning failure. She says dad is contaminating me with his insanity. I am on floor 76, dad is on floor 81. Pepper doesn’t trust us not to just drill a hole in the floor. Pepper has also hidden all the drills. 

Darcy: Day 17 (Pepper, day 3, 5am), I’ve sent the Iron Intern suit to be my proxy on floor 81. Dad’s mark 60-whatever suit won’t stop playing Missile Command on my phone. We’re loaning processing power to any lab that wants it or needs it to break down and sequence this plague. Pepper says that’s good and very productive. She won’t let me have anymore coffee. 

Darcy: Day 21 (Pepper: still day 3, God, you haven’t even had breakfast yet), dad and I were talking about that space laser again. He thinks orbital would be best, for ease of maintenance and support, but I like the stability of a moon-based facility. We’ll be settling the issue by remote piloting our suits in a winner-takes-all battle in the training room. We’re gonna stream it on youtube. People could use some cheering up right now. 

Darcy: Day 24 (Pepper: Day 3). Steve and Bucky aren’t quarantined because they can’t catch the plague. Lucky bastards. They’re being them and grocery shopping for seniors, aka the kids they used to babysit. Because they’re old, get it? I don’t remember what fresh air smells like anymore. Or the feel of the sun on my face. The wind in my hair. I want street tacos so bad right now you don’t even know. 

Darcy: Day 27 (Pepper: Day 3). I won. Moon base it is! Dad says I cheated, but i pointed out that he’s the one who taught me it was called ‘making my own advantage’. So, suck it dad. We had like 12 million viewers. It was awesome. And the space laser is to protect the earth, not hold it hostage, Clint. Asshole. 

Darcy: Day 32 (Pepper:Day 4). Pepper says she’s divorcing both of us. 

Darcy: Day 35 (Pepper: Day 4). Pepper is undivorcing us, but she says if we destroy another floor, she’s sending one of us to California. Dad and I are working on a quantum tunneling gun, so we can move through the tower like in Portal. We’re not telling Pepper. 

Darcy: Day 40 (Pepper: still day 4, I’m going to bed). I can’t believe it’s been 40 days. When will my normal life return from the war? Dad was an idiot and pointed the tunneling gun at the floor, he fell into Bruce’s chill out room in the basement and triggered the lockdown. Pepper is laughing so hard she’s crying. At least I think that’s why she’s crying. The gun only had one shot in it, we’re still working out the power issues. I’ll rescue him when she goes to bed. 

Darcy: Day 43 (Pepper: Day 5, 4am, I was sound asleep), the plague has been sequenced! Dad and I are repurposing Stark Genetics for vaccine production. Bruce says it will be soon. Bruce is in quarantine in the Yukon. We don’t think he can get the plague, but he says it’s a sanity quarantine because the thought of being stuck with me and dad for days would be dangerous to his stability. We’re not that bad! 

Darcy: Day 49 (Pepper, Day 5, lunchtime) Pepper says she’ll let us out of quarantine so long as it’s to go to the moon and start the moon base. I mean, dad and I have finalized the plans, but the supply logistics are still in the organization stage. It’s like, come on, Pepper, you know how this works. I think the quarantine is getting to her. 

Darcy: Day 52 (Pepper, Day 5: You haven’t even finished your sandwich yet). I still want tacos. 

Darcy: Day 55 (Pepper, Day 5). I sent a video to dad about marble racing. We’re building a track through the whole building, they’ll get from floor to floor through portals. We’ve given DumE a go-pro and the tunneling gun to track the race. We see no problems with any of this. Pepper is hiding. 

Darcy: Day 58 (Pepper, Day 5). There were some problems with it. DumE got the go-pro and the tunneling gun mixed up. But, you know what, the dozen floors of the marble race before the ‘incident’ was awesome! 

Darcy: Day 61 (Pepper, Day 5. Will this day never end?) Dad won’t let Bucky bring me tacos. Despite the fact the he can’t get sick or be a carrier. Dad says somebody could have sneezed on him or something and there could be Super Flu on his hobo costume. I broke in-Tower quarantine and snuck into dad’s workshop while he was scraping up DumE from the lobby. I put a perfect layer of nickels on every surface and glued down a handful at random, so he can’t just sweep the coins off anything. I can hear him yelling from here. Now he knows why I have a sock full of nickels. Sometimes low tech is best tech. 

Darcy: Day 64 (Pepper, Day 6). I can’t believe it’s been two months of this. Pepper has cracked. She says for the safety of the world, she and dad will be self-isolating back in Malibu. I’m not sure how to take my impending abandonment. 

Darcy: Day 68 (Pepper, Day 6, we’ll call when we get to California), Bucky brought me tacos! 

[missnxthingg]

hii! i love your fanfics! can i get one for peter where he loses his virginity with the reader and it's just so cute and gentle. maybe ending with him confessing his feelings for the reader. thank you!

Summary: (Y/N) has a sexy dream about Peter while they are sleeping in the same bed and he’s willing to help her out

A/N: I know you love a smuuut! I asked for fluff and I got the whole package. Don’t mind writing these, though. Also, I had some small problems posting it, so I had to post it again. And I found out that my taglist wasn’t working, but I think I solved that. Hope you like it!

Words: 2.5 K (shorty)

Pairing: Peter Parker x Best Friend!Reader

Warnings: Smut, virginity loss, oral (f and m receiving), swearing, and fluff.

masterlist | main blog | gif source | quarantine playlist

DREAMY

Today was a pretty ordinary Friday night for you and your best friend Peter. May wasn’t home for a long time like she usually does on Friday nights, and Peter invited you over to watch a movie and make him some company while she was gone. Also, it was a bonus for both of you since you had a crush on each other and you got to spend a little time alone in the apartment just enjoying each other’s companies, maybe having some good treats while watching the movie.

“Chinese, Tai, Mexican, or pizza?” Peter asked while going through his phone food app to find something for them to eat.

“I don’t know, I’m kinda stuffed. Ate too many cookies, whatever.” He chuckled and put his phone away.

“Okay, if we get hungry we can always make a sandwich.” You nodded and got up to go to his bedroom.

“Can I borrow something to wear?” She asked already looking for something in his closet.

“Ever since you found that my clothes are comfier, you never brought pajamas again.”

“Of course. I sleep better when I’m wearing bad science jokes shirts and sweats twice my size.” She laughed and started to strip down her own clothes.

“I’m never throwing you in the lake again while you’re wearing your pajamas.” He joked, remembering the first time she borrowed his clothes, it was during the school’s summer camp on the last vacation.

“God, I don’t even want to remember that camping trip. It was pretty bad.”

“Come on, it wasn’t so bad. We had a great time with our friends.” He started and you came back to sit with him. “We went swimming at the lake, had a good singing during the fire and we played ‘Never Have I Ever’ during the lights out.”

“That game was the worst part! I lied during the whole damn thing because I was too embarrassed that everyone did a lot of things and I never did anything.”

“What do you mean?” Peter asked and you started to blush.

“I never had sex before, or even something remotely similar to that. Nothing, only kissed. But even MJ has done it.” You wiped some sweat from your forehead and Peter started to blush too.

“T-to be honest, I-I’ve never done it either.” He confessed looking down to the floor. “Nobody even finds me interesting to do anything like that anyway.”

“Don’t say that. You’re amazing Pete! One of the best I’ve ever met. I pick my best friends very well.” 

Best friend, of course -  he thought. “Anyway. May said to not wait up because she was going to spend all night at work, and when she says that, she normally arrives when the sun has already risen.”

“Uhm, I’m tired. Can we go to sleep?” You yawned and he nodded.

“Of course. Why don’t you go ahead and I’ll lock the apartment and everything.” You nodded and went ahead to take the side of the bed you wanted. Peter came back quickly and lied next to you, getting comfortable.

“Wanna cuddle?” You asked, opening your arms when he came into the room.

“Sure, I’d love that.” Peter closed the door and turned off the light, coming to you in bed and you threw your arms around him, pulling him closer to get comfortable. “Good night, pumpkin head.”

“Good night, dork.”

So you fell into a deep sleep next to your best friend. Suddenly you were back in that summer camp, wearing your pretty white dress, walking barefoot on the grass, rushing to the lake like someone was about to catch you until someone did, throwing you down to the floor and letting their weight over you while you two rolled down to the river. It was night, so you could barely see all around you, but of course, you knew who was over you. You always knew when it was Peter. He smiled widely but didn’t say a word. Instead, he lowered himself in your body and suddenly you felt a little pressure on your clit like someone was licking it.

“Uhm, fuck Pete.” You moaned, feeling his movements down there.

“(Y/N). You okay?” At first, you thought it was only on your dream, but suddenly you were back in your room. Gasping, almost breathless, heart racing, clearly wet pussy, and a pair of concerned brown eyes looking at you.

“What?” You asked confused and he licked his lips.

“You were…unquiet.” He started to blush and luckily you couldn’t see it because of the dark.

“I had a dream.” You stated and he nodded, encouraging to go on. 

“Uhm, why were you moaning my name?” He asked and your eyes widened. “It’s okay, it’s me. You can tell me anything, you know that.”

“It was a sex dream.” You said and he raised his eyebrows.

“Oh. With me?” He asked and you nodded. “Was it a good one?”

“I’m not answering that.” You laughed nervously and he lit up the lamp in his room.

“Come on, at least I need to know if I was good.”

“Yeah, you were pretty good.” You grinned and he leaned back in the headboard. “I mean…” You looked down at your body and arched your brows.

“Oh, you’re… Okay, yeah.” His breathing changed and it was the most uncomfortable situation between the two of you. “D-do you want me to help out?”

“What?” Your eyes widened and his cheeks were burning like hell.

“I mean, we’re alone and I’ve always wanted to… you know.”

“Eat me out?” You asked a little confused.

“I-I mean it didn’t have to exactly be you, but… Y-yeah, you.” He started to get a little more confident and she softly smiled. You leaned in and left a small peck on his lips, making him space out for a couple of seconds. “(Y/N), can I eat you out?”

“When you ask me so gently I can’t resist.” You both chuckled and started to go down on you. “Hey, straight to business. C’mere.” You pulled him up again and kissed him, for real this time.

He positioned himself between your legs and you pulled him down with your hands on his hair. He licked your lips and asked for permission to deep in the kiss, which you allowed. You were finally making out like you always dreamed of. You started to slowly hump him as the kiss continued and soon you could feel his hardness against your core.

"We're making out." He mumbled between kisses.

"I know, that's so hot." You mumbled back and he started to go down on your body, stopping at your legs.

"Can I take these off?" He pointed to the pants and you nodded. Peter slowly removed his pants from your body.

"Uhm, Peter I need you." You moaned and he gently pulled your panties down, showing you soaking pussy.

"This is all because of the dream? Oh my God, I must have been really good then." He stared at you all opened up for him and paused. "Uhm, I don't know what to do. Maybe you can guide me?"

You used your fingers to show him your clit and he paid attention to every single word you were saying and what you were showing him. First, you started to rub circles on your clit to show him and it felt really good, and second, you slipped a finger in and couldn't even finish your presentation, he already was using his thumb to draw circles on your clit just like you taught him while you pumped your finger inside you.

"That's so hot." He whispered under his breath and removed your finger from inside you. He kissed your inner thighs and started with his tongue on your folds. "You're so pretty."

"Much better than the d-dream. Fuck!" You threw your head back and he used his hands to pull your legs over his shoulders, making you more comfortable and giving him more access to your pussy. His hands searched yours and you entwined your fingers, sometimes slightly pressing it a little harder in pleasure. "Uhm, fuck me, this feels so good."

Peter was gentle and for an inexperienced boy, he sure knew what he was doing, cause it was sending you over the clouds just like that. You arched your back and felt a knot on your stomach and you were begging for release, something that only happened once with your own fingers.

"Peter, baby. Shit… Oh, I'm gonna cum." He started to go faster and it sent you over the edge, cumming all over his mouth.

When he came up from between your legs, he was soaked with your juice, a red face and a beautiful afterglow. You could just stare at him like that all night and it would be enough to get you off. He wiped his mouth and grinned shyly.

"Did you like it?" He asked and you nodded, still trying to recover your breath.

"I don't think I would have cum if I didn't like it." He smiled and looked down to his crotch, hard as fuck, struggling to keep inside his pants. "I can help you with that."

"It's okay, I can go to the bathroom and take care of this."

"Actually, I was thinking about doing something more fun, if you're up to it."

"What?" He furrowed his eyebrows and you removed your shirt. "Oh, you wanna do that?"

"If it's okay for you."

"N-no, totally okay. I want to lose it if it's with you." He blushed and you kissed him to reassure him that you want it to, taking the opportunity to take his hands and take it to your boobs.

"Me too." You said between kisses and you pulled his shirt off, making his beautiful body be now exposed to the world. He removed his pants along with his underwear, revealing his hard cock and making you drill. "Uhm, can I suck you off?"

"Y-you don't have to do this."

"Pretty please, I really want to."

"O-okay." 

You turned him to bed and went down on him, resting your body between his legs and swirling your tongue over the tip of his cock. He moaned under his breath and you started to run your tongue through its length.

"Uhm, you're so big." You started to bob your head up and down, stroking what couldn't fit inside it and it made Peter go crazy. His cock hitting the back of your throat made him feel like he wasn't going to last long.

"Oh my God, angel. Your mouth feels so good." He gathered all your head with one hand and helped you gently go down on him. "Okay, you might need to stop it if you wanna keep going." 

You stopped with a pop on the tip, making him moan and his cock twitch. You lied next to him and waited until he got back to his senses.

"Are we really going to do this?"

"I guess so."

"Okay, if we're doing this, I need to confess something to you. I really like you Pete, more than just friends."

"Oh thank God." You frowned and he gently kissed you on the lips with a smile on his lips. "I really like you too."

"Now please fuck me. I need you, big boy."

"Hang on, let me get some condoms." He rushed to his closet and got some condoms from a box buried deep inside it. He opened one and rolled it out his hard cock. "Okay, I think we're safe to go."

You pulled him for another kiss and you just lied there making out a little more, your hands exploring every inch of each other’s bodies. You and Peter were intimate, but you never felt more intimate with him then now and you were enjoying it a lot.

"Are you sure you wanna do it?" He asked and you nodded with a smile.

"Yes. I'm very sure. Please." 

He stuck the tip inside you and slowly entered you. First, it hurt like hell and he was stretching you really good. You gripped hardly on his back and almost bit his shoulder, also you were pretty sure there were a couple of tears.

"Does it hurt?" You nodded. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No, just gimme some time." You said under your breath and suddenly the sensation started to feel kinda good. "I think it's okay to go."

He started with slow thrusts, filled with a lot of kisses to ease the pain. You locked your hips together by involving his waist with your legs and guiding his movements. Even though it hurt, it was really good. Peter was taking such good care of you and always searching for ways to comfort you, giving you soft kisses and all the love he could.

"Uhm, I think you can go faster." You said between kisses and he nodded.

"Are you sure it won't hurt you?"

"Yes, just… fuck me." 

"Safeword is spider, okay?" He mumbled in your ear and you nodded. He started to make faster movements and you started to moan louder, just along with him.

"Rub my clit." You said between moans and he leaned a little back and started to rub it, making you roll your eyes. "Yeah, like that. Fuck! I think you found the spot."

"You're gonna cum again?" He asked and you could only nod between moans, opening your legs even more to give him more access. "Fuck, okay. I'm close too. Damn  baby, you're so good around me, so wet, so pretty."

"Fuck, Pete. I'm coming." He quickened his pace and soon that knot on your stomach came back.

"Come on, I'm almost there, stay with me." But you couldn't, cumming all over his cock before the did, with only led you to be overstimulated by him until he came.

He got up to go to the bathroom and throw the condom away and to get a towel to clean you both up.  He removed the trash before May found a filled condom when she got home and hid it in his closet, he could get rid of it later. You lied in his bed with your own afterglow, still feeling very sensitive. Peter cleaned you up gently and lied back with you, giving you some more kisses all over your face before pulling you over his lap to rest your head on his chest.

"Hey. You okay?" He asked and she nodded with a smile.

"Just found out that I'm very sensitive." You buried your nose on his chest and he held you tighter. You were both still naked, but suddenly it didn't matter for you both, you were more intimate than ever. 

"(Y/N), I don't want it to just be… it. You said you liked me and I was wondering if we could go out sometime."

"I think we're way past the dating line." You giggled and he started to rub circles on your face.

"I know, but I really wanna do this right." He entwined your fingers and you leaned up to kiss him again.

"Okay, it's a date."

"Come on, let's put on some clothes." He suggested and you smirked.

"Or we can do this again." His eyes filled with lust and you were pretty sure you felt something poking your ass.

"Okay, let's do this."

"Me on top this time, okay?" He nodded and you kissed him again.

"I think I'm gonna like having a girlfriend."

…………………

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[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

JULY PICKS!

You heard me correctly, I said JULY! Whoosh, this year is going by fast-but not in a good way if you know what I mean. This will be my last monthly wrap up where I am strictly staying home in quarantine as this upcoming week I’m heading back to work in person. Wish me luck!

We had quite the range this month from newly released, reality, musical and then some favorites from last month that I’ve continued watching. Without further ado here we go....

There’s going to be PLENTY of SPOILERS this go round. ESPECIALLY with my first pick of Stargirl. You’ve been warned!!!

DC’S STARGIRL

I need to talk about 1x10 or I’m going to burst!!! As stated above there will be A LOT of SPOILERS IN THIS POST!! So scroll down to the next picture if you don’t want it to be spoiled. 

You’ve been warned...again.

IT CANNOT END LIKE THAT!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Henry! Wow! 1) Epic fighting 2) The backstory and how he wasn’t going to give up on his dad AND THEN how he wouldn’t give into his dad. 3) HE DIED RATHER THAN JOIN HIS SIDE OR PRETEND (which I honestly felt was going to happen). His character arc and I can’t believe it’s over!!! 4) His speech at the end: *weeping.* I knew Brainwave was going to say he killed his mother. It just felt like the build up. Brainwave Jr. would have been a GREAT ADDITION TO THE JSA! AND OMG THE WAY THE REST OF THEM FOUGHT FOR HIM! I loved how they framed it so you could still see them in the back when Henry spoke to his father. Super heartbreaking. Man, it feels like a lot of people have been killed off this first season (or am I just still thinking about Joey?) 

Side note: Check out the Instagram Live between father and son Brainwave on Stargirl’s CW page. Jake Austin Walker did an AWESOME interview in his take over.

This was one of the strongest episodes overall and definitely one of my favorites so far. I agree with many others that while it is SOO GOOD and I want to rewatch it again, I don’t know if I can emotionally yet. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way about a show. 

Some other thoughts this episode: WAY TO GO BARBARA! Way to record them to translate later (such an awesome app btw, how do I get it?). I’m glad her and Pat came more to an understanding because I love them especially with that glimpse into how they met. Jordan’s parents give me the creeps, like the couple from The Visit vibes. I feel like Mike’s got to find out ASAP, especially because he’s spent time in the garage. Something’s got to show him the truth; because I’m really feeling he figures it out rather than being told. Very curious to see what his reaction will be. SOLOMON GRUNDY. Thank God Beth talked Rick down. She really is like Chuck in being the voice of reason. She did really well in the cafeteria too. While I still don’t believe Starman is Courtney’s dad, how cute was it when she put together her and Henry were cousins? Speaking of Court’s dad, who else didn’t feel like Starman was her dad until they saw that upcoming promo? I don’t know who that impostor is but he is not her dad. Something’s fishy.

Loving this show. So happy it’s renewed for a second season!! 

THE 100

From a show I can’t get enough of to one whose final season is a disappointment. I’m not going to spend too much time talking about The 100 because I feel I’ll just be repeating myself from previous posts. However, I did want to include it because I haven’t spoken much about the previous 2 episodes that I wound up watching back to back and I didn’t overly dislike them. 

As many have complained, when you have a final season you shouldn’t introduce SO MANY new characters and just push aside your originals (or the ones who are left). You also shouldn’t include so many confusing plots that are making it look like were the main points overall (like this many world concept was around since the first grounders) and playing with time in so many episodes is hard to keep up with too. Having so many people separated makes it difficult to remember what just happened to this specific group because I haven’t seen them in forever. ANYWAY, I did promise some positives. I didn’t except to like 7x08 because of it being a flashback episode with brand new people that was just going to feel like a potential spin-off pilot. Well...I actually really enjoyed it and the concept that the bunker was used before One Crew. The characters were easy to like and it was cool seeing Allie again (and this time not as the villain). While it felt forced including the orb (is that what it’s called? If not that’s what I’m calling it), but I liked how all the other pieces fit together (ex: the flame, the grounders’ language). Honestly, I surprise myself to say this, but I’d watch another episode. For 7x09, I liked being on Bardo and watching Octavia, Echo, Diyoza and Hope slowly get “brainwashed” I mean trained. We all knew it wouldn’t work for Hope and if I was them I would rather be on Sky Ring than Bardo (but then I guess I’d go crazy, so...) I enjoy the Octavia and Levitt relationship and would love them to work out, but if this show taught you anything it’s to be skeptical. I also want to shift to the Primes plot, just to showcase John Murphy for a second. THAT MAN! What a character development he’s had on this show. From the first season where I was like come on Murphy to now me awaiting his scenes. From cockroach to someone who won’t view himself as a hero. So good and something that is fantastic about this final season. They might have forgotten about other characters, but they’re doing it right by Murphy. 

Well, that was more than I was expecting. ;)   

THE CIRCLE

It feels like I haven’t watched a lot of reality TV this year, which makes sense because of our quarantine situation (but then again I’m watching World of Dance, but that’s a different because it’s more of a competition/dance show. I’ll stop rambling). The Circle is a reality ‘game’ show that could be easily completed during quarantine and social distancing because the contestants do not see each other in person. They each have an apartment in this complex and only communicate with each other on a social media platform called the Circle. The objective is to become the most popular and an influencer who gets power over who stays and who goes in the competition. There’s some side contests throughout, but most of the show is just people chatting through an insta messenger and trying to learn as much as they can. Alliances are formed and cat fishes try to thrive all for the grand prize of $100,000. (Wow, that’s a lot!) It is SUPER addicting and very funny. Having a voice-over narrator really makes it even funnier because she says what we’re all thinking. Just about every episode a contestant leaves and then is able to meet one other person in their apartment. It’s been cool seeing their reactions as oftentimes it’s someone they did not expect AT ALL. I can’t wait to finish it. If you’re a fan of Big Brother than this is definitely for you. Looks like there will be a second season, which I am excited about.  

THE BABYSITTERS CLUB

Jumping from one Netflix show to another. Released on Netflix on July 3rd, I tried not to binge it all in one day because then it would be over (and we still don’t know if there will be a second season yet). This is definitely my feel good watch for July. If you want something that’s a quick watch and just wholesome and fun to escape our current world than this is for you. I always felt so happy after watching and couldn’t wait to watch another. While I was familiar with the franchise--the 90s movie and of course the books (although I was more of a Babysitter Little Sister fan, so I was very excited to see Karen), you don’t have to have any knowledge of the Babysitters Club to enjoy this show. I was hooked just about right away by this new series shown by me watching the first three episodes back to back. I really like how they set up each episode with one girl as the main focus (just like in the books) where she takes over the voice-over narration. Great representation and made modern to fit in with our current times. The first example that comes to mind is when Mary Ann babysits Bailey who is transgender. I liked how Bailey says those are her old clothes while they’re playing. It’s shown in a way that explains the situation without feeling like a lecture. It fits so naturally into the episode. And then Mary Ann’s speech at the hospital is super powerful for both Bailey and herself. This is just one example of how well represented this show is. Extremely strong cast and actresses who are the proper ages. I also love the adult casting and how they threw in a Clueless reference from Alicia Sliverstone (who plays Kristy’s Mom). As someone who is writing for this age group, I really liked hearing and seeing how authentic this show is. 

FEEL THE BEAT

A Netflix original movie that has been on my list for a while that I just got around to watching. It didn’t come out too long ago. In the film, Sofia Carson’s character is a dancer who is a perfectionist. She gets on the bad side of a big NYC producer when she not only leaves her in the rain as she steals her taxi, but also knocks her, accidentally, off stage and becomes a viral video-this basically blackmails her in Broadway. This all happens within about the first 10 minutes of the film and the majority takes place back in her small home town (very Hallmark-like) in Wisconsin. While there her old dancing teacher wants her to share her Broadway wisdom with her young students. Meanwhile Carson has only been a chorus girl, so she doesn’t really have any. What draws her to helping the young girls is the chance to perform in front of a big choreographer that could get her to be the star she always dreamed of. The catch is that it’s the teacher dance in the childrens dance competition. While this might sound like a movie you’ve watched many times before, it was still worth it and a really fun watch. I think the kids really make the movie. They are adorable, funny and super talented. You feel connected with them really fast and want to see them succeed. I loved Dickie and how he joined the group. I think he was my favorite overall. I loved how inclusive the cast was here too (just like BSC) from a mixed race family, to single parents and even a student who was Deaf. It was great seeing the other actors sign to her. Carson’s character, April, can be annoying at times, but you understand it’s her character and something she needs to overcome. As I said before the plot may seem familiar, but the ending was something I didn’t see coming. Overall, wholesome, feel good and fun for the whole family. You can consider to watch while babysitting. (See what I did there??)  

VIOLETTA SEASON 2

She’s back! I know last month when I included Violetta it was mainly me being excited to see the second season FINALLY streaming on Disney Plus. I had watched a few episodes (remember there’s 80 altogether, so even if I watched 20 that’s still very early on and just a dent in the season) and was still getting used to this season. Well, now I’m happy to report I am in the 40s and more than half way. For a bit I was watching many of these episodes a day, which told me that I was loving it again. Recently, I feel I need a little more of a push to watch, but it’s mainly because of certain story-lines that feel like they’re dragging. (For example: Violetta’s voice. One minute it’s fine and the next she’s like dying). For this section I have two words: LOVE TRIANGLES. And I’m not just talking about Violetta, Diego and Leon. For a bit it felt like each character had their own love triangle, which honestly I was loving. These characters have definitely developed a lot from last season, which allows this to happen. Olga was in a love triangle, which just recently got resolved. I think German is still in one because of his alter ego Jeremias. Jackie was “kind of” in one. For her it was more of a misunderstanding, which is very classic on this show. Lots more secrets have been uncovered in these episodes as well as songs! You know how excited I am for those. Overall, I think I’m still enjoying season 1 songs more (which get referenced enough in this season), but some of the season 2 ones are really growing on me. Specifically Leon’s Entre dos mundos and when he sings with Diego Euphoria in English. Also, Yo Soy Asi has been real catchy. I know Frederico will be coming back soon and I can’t wait to see him again!  

HAMILTON

Like many I watched Hamilton this month-actually on the day it came out. It’s been a musical that I’ve been intrigued by, but never thought I’d get a chance to watch because of how popular and expensive it is to see on Broadway. So, I was very excited to hear I’d get the chance when it was to be released in theaters for a special event. Then because of Corona it was released to Disney Plus, which was EVEN more convenient and exciting. I really enjoyed it and watched it twice within the same week. I immediately downloaded the playlist and started singing it around the house. I do this a lot with many of the plays I see, but depending how good they are is shown by how long I listen to the soundtrack. (Some of my top ones are Bandstand, Once, Newsies and Anastasia.) Because there are so many songs in Hamilton it is taking me a little longer to know all the words, but I feel pretty confident with the first act. It was the perfect timing for this to be released on Disney Plus. Not only because it was July 3rd, but also because of the world we are living in. Lin’s diverse cast brings to life the world of 1776 and the revolutionary war (as well as the time after it), but it’s such a strong commentary on our world today. This is something I am continually noticing with historical dramas/pieces being released within the last 5-10 years. It feels like there’s more we can say in this genre than in a commentary piece. I also like all the analysis videos I’ve seen popping up, which just make it even more powerful. (Like it being Eliza’s story and her putting herself back in the narrative. That the play Hamilton is named for both her and Alexander.) I don’t know if all of what I see were intentional, but  either way well done. I hope it doesn’t leave Disney Plus soon. 

1917

And lastly, 1917. I promised quite the range this month and you can see that’s definitely the case. I always enjoy watching war films and with 1917 there was so much hype (both before it came out and after) that I was interested to give it a watch. Giving the movie to my dad for father’s day felt like the perfect excuse to be able to watch it. Even though our DVD stuck in a few places (still don’t know if it was the player or the DVD itself), the film was very entertaining and I would suggest it to anyone who is a history/film buff. Taking place in WWI, we follow two British soldiers as they attempt to deliver a message about an upcoming ambush that could take countless lives. I feel that I often watch more films revolving around WWII, so it was very interesting to be immersed in the first great war. After watching I am not surprised that the film was up for so many Oscars. While cinematography is the first thing everyone discusses when it comes to this movie (and it should be because the one shot/long shot is sooo impressive and beautiful to watch. It really brings you into the scene and has a way of making you feel like you’re there too. There’s a realness to it that’s raw and new compared to other war films I’ve watched in the past), there’s so much more to this film too. First, I like how it connects back to Sam Mendes’ grandfather, so while it’s not a true story it has real facts in it. I LOVE the score and music to this film. In the scene where George Mackay runs at night through those ruined buildings I could really hear how well the music worked with the action. Because of this I made sure to listen to some of the soundtrack and now I’ve added some of the songs into my writing playlist. I have chills just thinking about it. The other point I want to bring up is the cast! While there are SO MANY big names in this film from Colin Firth to Benedict Cumberbatch, the two main characters are played by George Mackay and Dean Charles Chapman and they are the ones with the most screen time. If their chemistry and acting wasn’t so great then the movie wouldn’t be as successful as it is. Because of this I have been watching non-stop YouTube interviews of the two of them for this film. 

They are so well-spoken, stand-up guys and I can’t get enough of their dialogues with each other and others. (You should watch these interviews too). While familiar with Chapman’s time on Game of Thrones, I haven’t seen him in much else, so I’m excited to see what he’ll have in the future (as well as checking out his IMDB page). For Mckay, I’ve seen him before when I just watched Ophelia earlier this summer so that was my first time watching him act. After that film I was curious what else he was in, but it was only after 1917 that I started doing more research. So far, I’ve only been able to watch the short film he was in called Infinite. While only 17 minutes it was very strong and deep. I highly recommend. As I’ve shared on this page already, in another post, the more I hear him talk the more of a crush I am developing. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced a celebrity crush this strong so soon. This quarantine has to end so I can make it to England to just casually bump into him like one does. :) 

[ardett]

At the End of Everything...

...Hold onto Anything

Author’s note: one cross-post on my way out? this and everything else on Ao3

01:00:00:00

Ethan goes to Mark’s house on the last day of Unus Annus. It’s dark out. Close to midnight. He doesn’t knock, just walks in. They’re expecting him.

When he gets inside though, it’s only Mark sitting at the kitchen table. There’s a laptop open in front of him. On the screen is Unus Annus.

“Where’s Amy?” Ethan asks.

Mark doesn’t look up at him. He’s staring at the screen. “Not home. She thought we should do it alone.”

“What, no content for later?” Ethan jokes.

Mark just shakes his head. His arms are crossed, fingers digging into his biceps. Ethan can see how tense Mark is but he’s not sure what to do about it. He pulls out a chair and sits. He tries not to look at the computer.

“Thanks for doing this with me,” Mark says suddenly. His eyes snap up to Ethan’s. They’re wet with unshed tears. They’re piercing.

Ethan smiles. His throat feels tight. They still have a little over an hour before the channel will be deleted. He tries to hold back the tears he knows are just below the surface, at least for a little bit longer.

He nudges his knee into Mark’s. “Thanks for asking me.” He blinks up at the ceiling. His lashes are wet but no tears fall. “Did you ever get sick of me?”

“Well…” The question finally ekes a smile out of Mark. “A year’s a long time. But honestly, no. Not in a real way. You always try your best. Can’t ask more of you than that.”

“Yeah, that’s me. Gold star for participation.” Mark laughs at that one.

As Mark’s laugh settles, he teases, “If anything, I bet you were more sick of me.”

“You and your fucking bits,” Ethan grins. He splays his hands out on the table. “You know, we didn’t even think we were gonna do every video together, remember?”

Mark rubs a hand down his face. “Oh god, yeah. I almost forgot about that. Really didn’t pan out the way we planned, did it?”

“Does anything?” Ethan chuckles. “It was better with the two of us though. Even during quarantine, we made it work.”

Mark nods and there’s a beat of silence before he states, “And we didn’t miss any.”

“We didn’t miss any,” Ethan repeats. He can’t help the way his eyes drift towards the screen. The time is getting closer. “Do you think it was worth it?” he says.

“Sure. I don’t know,” Mark murmurs. He runs a hand through his hair. “What makes something worth it? We got to make something together. People cared about it. We had fun. Or at least I had fun. What more can you ask?”

“I had fun,” Ethan insists, like Mark doesn’t know how grateful Ethan is, eternally.

The corner of Mark’s mouth quirks up. “I know.”

Mark’s elbow brushes against Ethan’s. Neither of them move away. Ethan wonders if they’re going to lose the small moments like this. They’ve gotten so comfortable with each other. In some ways, Ethan feels like Mark is more of a friend than he ever was before. Mark’s almost like family now.

“Is it silly that I’m having a hard time letting go of it?” Ethan mutters. His fingers curl, nails pressing ever so gently into his palm. “That was the whole point, wasn’t it? Learning to let go?”

“It’s not silly. It’s… It’s going to be harder to let go than I thought it would.” Mark sighs. “I can’t believe I thought I could do this alone. I’m… I’m glad you did it with me. That we did it together.”

“Me too.” Ethan looks out the window. A year gone and so much has changed. So much more than they ever imagined could. “What a fucking year for Unus Annus, right?”

Mark barks out a laugh. “Yeah, no kidding. If only we could delete the whole year.” He pauses, growing more serious. “That’s the only thing that worries me actually.”

“What?”

“I think we became something that people were holding onto. It’s something that even I was holding onto during those first couple months of quarantine. We thought everything would go back to normal and of course it didn’t, but at least we had the channel. And we had to make videos for it, no matter what.” Mark’s voice is steady but Ethan sees his eyes track back to the screen, to the steadily dying channel.

“I held onto it too. I mean, you know. I needed it during quarantine. It was… It was rough. I can’t wait to be free, obviously, but I’m worried too. Things are better now. But it’s still another thing we’re going to lose. That a lot of people are going to lose.” The thought of it now that he’s said it out loud almost takes Ethan’s breath away. It’s hard to think about. It makes his lungs burn, the want to finally be freed from the channel warring with the desire to hold onto anything from before the pandemic.

“You gonna be okay?” Mark’s gaze meets Ethan’s, not pitying but caring and concerned.

Ethan nods. “I will be. Maybe not today right at this moment but I really will be. We’ll still have each other. And I’m excited to just go somewhere with Spencer. I know what I need to do to keep taking care of myself.”

“Good, good.” Mark is still staring at him. Ethan tilts his head to the side.

“What? Why’re you looking at me like that?”

“You know, your hair kind of makes it look like corona never happened.”

Ethan fluffs at his hair. “Does it?”

“I just remember you shaving it right when we were all at home. I was wondering if it would grow back by the time we were done. But it did. Now it looks like how it did in the beginning of the year. Well, last November, I guess.” Mark shakes his head. “Sorry, that wasn’t really what we were talking about. Just made me think about cycles. Full circle, all that.”

“Yeah, guess it does look like it used to. Feels different though. I don’t think I did as good a job as a real barber would have.” Ethan grins before it fades. “It feels like everything. The same but different.”

“The same but different,” Mark echos. He looks at the time. They only have fifteen minutes until midnight. “Time is getting close.”

“Yeah.” Ethan swallows. “I know I’m gonna go somewhere after. Just get out of LA somewhere with Spencer. And I know this is a silly question. But we’ll still see each other, right? Once this is over? I know you’ll be busy but I… I really liked this. Getting to see you more. It doesn’t have to be this often but I don’t want to lose you again.”

“Of course not, Eth— Again?” Mark asks once the words fully set in.

Ethan looks away, biting his lip. “Yeah. Again. It’s just, we were all so close over the tour because we were living together on that bus but once the tour was over, we kind of lost it. We just… didn’t stay connected. I didn’t. We weren’t filming together as much and I didn’t see you as much and part of that is definitely on me. I could have reached out more. And I don’t think I realized it, but I…” Ethan swallows. The words come out as a whisper. “I missed you. Sometimes I feel like I miss you right now.”

“Ethan, I promise we’re not going to lose each other. I know… I know that maybe we drifted apart for a little but if this year has taught me anything, it’s that there are some things that you can’t take for granted. I’m going to do better too. It’s just the end of the channel. Not the end of everything.” Mark takes Ethan’s hand, just locks a couple of their fingers together. “I’m not letting you go. You probably couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

Ethan giggles at that but it dies in his throat as he looks at the time. Three minutes.

“Who’s going to press the button?” he asks.

Mark squeezes his hand. “Together?”

Ethan squeezes back. “All right, together.”

They sit there in silence as the last minutes tick away. Ethan swears he can hear the clock. He can’t help himself as the time draws closer. He sniffles as his throat starts to close. His face feels hot and just a couple of blinks later, tears start to trail down his face. When he looks over at Mark, he sees that he’s already quietly crying.

There’s 30 seconds left.

“Ready?” Mark’s voice wavers. The mouse hovers over the delete button. They poise their hands over the trackpad. “Memento mori, and all that.”

“Memento mori,” Ethan whispers. He can see Mark’s hand shaking.

“Three.”

“Two.”

“One.”

00:00:00:00

[isa-ghost]

Fuck I don't have any good questions so please just tell me e v e r y t h i n g about their relationship. I have a mighty need for some cute brothers.

*inhALES*

This is actually super fucking long so I’m putting a read more LMAO

@septic-dr-schneep, this is actually the bunker!SD timeline as of now (I’ma date this for myself- 1/20/19) if you want to read it too. :3c

@a-septic-mind pls read this you little shit, this is the entire timeline of Shit We’ve Put Jackie And Henrik Through™ so far.

Jackie has made sure to go through anything and everything ever with Henrik since the time he came into existence. There’s very few things he hasn’t been around for and the biggest one of course was August but let’s save that part for a second–

Jackie was extremely relieved when Marvin came into the picture because he wouldn’t be lonely anymore but when Henrik came around? He bawled for hours on and off because he was so happy to have a second little brother. He was hugging Jack constantly and thanking him (Henrik was the first ego Jack made on purpose) and wouldn’t let Henrik go. xD Henrik was super overwhelmed by it of course, because existence was a completely new/very confusing thing to him and on top of this, here’s this giant ball of loud, bouncy, cuddly muscle and energy clinging to him like crazy and crying a lot. After getting used to it though, Jackie’s constant affection made it a ton less stressful to adjust to being an ego and all the trouble that came with that.

Jackie learned German for him, Henrik would draw suit designs for Jackie, and the two would talk about things all day long- mostly Jackie answering whatever questions Henrik had about their souls, their abilities, Jack, other ego-related stuff, etc. They got extremely close extremely fast and the things they’d experience in the future only made that stronger.

Unfortunately they only had roughly a month of happiness after Henrik’s creation before Anti came to be and started the war. They had to move from Ireland (Jack never got the chance to move to Brighton in this AU xD) to Axel Creek in the US and were kept in the Safehouse they live in now to be protected from Anti. As if losing Jack and getting thrown across an entire ocean into a random small town in the middle of a different country wasn’t enough, headcanons finally started growing popular enough to take effect on Henrik… Including the insane doctor ones. His “snapping” fits started up, and he just about almost killed Jackie during the first one.

After going through the initial shock of being attacked by his baby brother, Jackie got Henrik semi-under control and that’s when the two of them had their first dark experience together– Whenever Henrik would snap and go temporarily insane, Jackie would allow him to perform spontaneous surgeries on him. They kept it secret from Marvin (and in the future, from Chase), and although it’s a really twisted way for them to handle something so serious, it actually let them learn almost everything there is to know about Jackie’s body, powers, and how the two effect each other. The only things they haven’t been able to study about Jackie is how his eye-related powers work and how his negativity kryptonite works. From the time they started these snapped surgeries and onward, they grew a trust bond stronger than anything you could imagine.

Once Henrik got the hang of controlling the effects of headcanons, Jackie taught him how to fuse their souls and their fusion Life Saver was first created. LS didn’t handle Henrik’s iffy sanity well, and, well… He’s a handful for the two, but they love their fusion like a semi-murderous, problematic son. xD However, they’d just barely figured out how to control him/keep him stable mentally long enough before they needed to use him in a rescue mission- Anti was trying to take Marvin. In the end, luck wasn’t on their side and Marvin was taken as they were ripped out of their fusion (which left near-deadly damage on their souls and internals). They barely made it home alive and Chase had to rush to save them just in time.

They recovered slowly, but then Summer 2017 crawled around… The community was starting to question Henrik and whether or not he was good. The doubt in his alignment/intentions began to weaken him and he grew sickly and his powers started to fade.

He was severely deteriorated by the time KJSE happened it and there was no way he could’ve possibly fended Anti off and saved Jack at the same time. He was taken by Anti along with Jack and this shattered Jackie and Henrik’s relationship for a while.

Jackie was left to spiral into extreme guilt after it happened because even though he could feel Henrik in serious danger and knew he was weak due to lacking community faith, he didn’t bother racing to the rescue until it was far too late. Not knowing where Henrik was or if he was even alive, he assumed the worst and his mental state crumbled. He isolated himself, stopped hero work for a long time and made himself deathly ill with his negativity kryptonite. Eventually it got so bad, he’d hallucinate Henrik screaming at him for not coming to save him and all sorts of other awful things. It destroyed Jackie’s confidence and triggered his severe sensitivity to failure. Henrik’s first birthday was one of the worst days for him of all…

He spent the next six months driving himself insane with grief to the point where it was hard for Marvin, Chase, or Henrik’s former nurse Dawn to recognize him. Nothing they did helped him or got him to stop all of the habits he’d developed. Eventually he tried looking for Henrik and ended up getting captured by Anti in the process. He was missing for a few days before being found. Little did he know, the person who found him was Dawn’s daughter Isa; and she’d also saved Henrik about a week prior to saving Jackie.

After recovering from the torture Anti had subjected him to over those few days, he and Henrik finally reunited (which did not go smoothly at first because Jackie was 100% convinced Henrik hated him for not coming to his rescue). Things were okay after that… For maybe a month, sadly.

It wasn’t long before Jackie got taken again, this time with Marvin (he escaped Anti after being taken btw xD). The two were missing a long time before Jackie broke out and ran to the bunker for help to save Marvin. They got him home, but in the end, Jackie ended up getting corrupted. The duration of his corruption was an utter nightmare for him and Henrik. Just to name a few things that happened–

Jackie once ran away from the bunker to the Safehouse. Henrik tracked him down and tried to talk him out of his room. The conversation ended up turning into a really sad string of cliff-related metaphors. Said metaphors have stuck with them from this moment all the way to the present.

Henrik had to use Jackie’s trigger of needles to properly activate his power to sonic scream (Anti had given him the power, he didn’t always have it).

Jackie tried making a deal with Anti to guarantee the protection of his brothers and when Henrik found out, he actually tried to outbid him by offering better deals. In the end, they almost royally screwed up and barely go out of it alright.

During a fight after this deal debate, Jackie almost fell off a literal cliff and Henrik caught him before he fell. Sweet, sweet irony…

Henrik detoxed Jackie by faking his death after that fight (at the end of the fight, Anti took control of Jackie and made him hurt Henrik). When Jackie was dragged back to the bunker to be quarantined, Henrik revealed he wasn’t dead and then stabbed himself where Jackie had wounded him and almost bled out. This finished Jackie’s detox.

They barely got a break before Jackie was downed by Anti’s bullshit AGAIN. This time, Anti posted a video of the ONW HQ being blown up and blamed Jackie. The community lost faith in him so rapidly that he deteriorated and fell into a coma. He almost faded and returned to Jack before Chase narrowly managed to save him. Through all of this, Henrik never left his side. Despite being shut down, Jackie could hear everything Henrik was saying… It was Very Upsetting™ to hear, especially since he couldn’t reply or at least comfort Henrik.

For a very long time after waking up and recovering, Jackie refused to sleep or close his eyes at all for that matter and it’s basically been that way since. They haven’t suffered any extreme traumas since Jackie shut down (which happened in March). They just sorta have ups and downs here and there and they spend every night staying up and doing things together be it talking, working, both, or something else. Whenever they’ve had downs, they’ve vented and supported each other through it no matter how long it takes. Recently they’ve actually been the happiest they’ve been in ages. xD

But yeah, I think that’s about every huge important bunker!SuperDrug moment that’s ever happened in the bunker roleplay as of 1/20/19. XD So there ya have it.

[girlsbtrs]

Lauren Sanderson on upcoming releases and her new era of artistry

Written by Olivia Khiel.

Independent rising star Lauren Sanderson’s newest era has begun. With the release of her latest single, Hi, Sanderson is poised to release even more music over the course of 2021. Hi blends hip-hop, pop and indie for a sound unique to Sanderson and a message that resonates. 

GBTRS spoke with her via email during her recovery from vocal surgery about upcoming releases, making music post-major label and what she’s looking forward to most after COVID. 

With your newest era of music beginning (congrats on the killer new single by the way), how would you describe the evolution of your music from where you started to where you are now?

Thanks dawg! At this point, my music has evolved in about every genre you can think of, yet my message of staying true has always remained the same. I’m excited to be fully independent again and talk more about my mentality, trust in the universe and turning self doubt into self confidence.

Where do you find yourself drawing inspiration from these days?

The realization that no one in the world sees the world the same way as I do. Nor does anyone see the world the same as you. We all have our own perspectives and nothing inspires me more than knowing it’s my personal duty to tell my own truth- however the hell feels right to me!

You’ve gone through some label changes and shake ups since your career started. What’s been the most rewarding part of both being on a label and then going independent?

I'm so insanely grateful I've been able to experience both. Being with a label taught me it doesn’t matter how big or “plugged” your team is or how much money’s behind you, it’s up to you to maintain an attitude to work harder than all these motherfuckers and get shit done regardless of who else is by your side! Ironically being independent has taught me it’s really important to bring in your own close circle of trusted teammates who help you shine. 

Both experiences together taught me that without self belief and hard work, you have nothing. You can have all the talent in the world but if you don’t actually believe in yourself and put it to use, what’s the point? Russ said something in his book like “if people put half as much into their careers as they did their relationships, way more people would be successful.” Work harder! That's what I'm focused on.

Are there any milestones (personal or professional) that you’re working towards with your music? What would be the dream for you to accomplish?

In my personal life, I'm working on loving the way I look. Recently I realized I feel really disconnected and negative about the way I look and I don't want to feel that anymore. We’re all beautiful in our own ways and I know that. but i want to feel like a hot bitch again. Especially by the time touring comes back since the “Lauren Sanderson” outfit I’ve always dreamed of was a little sports bra and sagging jeans. I can’t fuckin’ wait for that level of confidence.

Professionally, my biggest focus right now is just releasing music [and] videos super consistently. I have a whole roll out that’s about to pop out and I'm super excited for that. I'm also committed to talk way more about attitude/manifestation/mindset stuff. I used to talk a lot online and when the internet got overly sensitive and got mad at me for talking about “speaking things into existence” I kinda softened up. People just don’t want to hear anything that means they have to work hard to achieve things, even if that’s just a positive mindset. Let ‘em hate cause I miss my strong outspoken message.

What are you hoping that your fans take away from your music?

The reason I make music is really just to share my thoughts, perspective and energy with others. However it impacts the person hearing it is cool with me. I'm just happy they’re inspired by it.

The last year has obviously been really rough on everyone - especially musicians who’ve been pulled off the road, delayed releases, etc. How have you been staying creative during this quarantine period?

What keeps me going is watching artist interviews, freestyles, music videos and festival footage from before quarantine. It helps a lot to remember what life was like before this time and to remember we’ll be back before no time. So I’m just creating and staying inspired as if I’ll be back on stage tomorrow!

What are you most looking forward to as we start to slowly move the world back to “normal”?

Shows (my own and others). Festivals. Interviews. The occasional party here and there. Not hearing about COVID every day. That kinda stuff.

Can you tell us anything about your upcoming music? How has everything been coming together in the process?

WE GOING ALTERNATIVE IN 2021 BABY! The process has been way too easy. I just had vocal surgery which was something that had been planned for a long time, so when these songs just flew out of me pre-surgery, it was a relief. Now I just have a whole vault of shit that’s about to come out while I heal and nobody’s ready for this new shit. Lyrically, melodically, production, vibe, visuals, all of it. Entering star power moment! And shout out to my friends Cole and Bardo from Beauty School Dropout who have helped co-write and produce almost all of it. They also did my songs 17, Over (Again) and I Need Help so I'm happy we just kept the flow going after those came out.

Even though a lot of things are still up in the air, what are you tentatively planning for the rest of 2021?

Endless music, videos, connection and inspiration! 

Is there anything else that you’d like people to know about you or your music, or is there anything you wish you could talk about more that you may not get asked?

Text me for updates: +1 260-200-3218!

Stream Hi., out now!

Keep up with Lauren here:

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[rilenerocks]

  This evening I went outside at about 8:20 pm to take my recycling container to the curb for early morning pick-up. There was still plenty of light for this time of day and I suddenly realized that the summer solstice would arrive this weekend. The longest daylight hours of the year. And that from then on, we’ll lose a minute of daylight every day until the winter solstice arrives in December. The year is halfway over. I felt astonished by that fact while simultaneously, I recognize that for the most part, in recent months, time has felt like it’s running through my hands like water. How is it possible that during this time of pandemic, quarantine and limited choices, that hours melt away while the lines between days blur? I’m sure there’s a psychological explanation for this phenomenon, although there haven’t been many moments in history like this one. Perhaps for other people, young ones in particular, the days drag on, seemingly endless in their monotony. Frankly, I don’t know much about anyone but me and those few people who are close enough to share their thoughts and feelings with me. I feel like I’m racing to keep pace with everything, from the little changes happening daily to my mind and body, to the news bombs dropping, lighting blazes that should keep my focus for a long time, but don’t because there are too many flaring everywhere. I’ve had an internal app for that which goes back to my twenties when I was trying to figure out how to rank what I needed to do in order of importance. I visualized this big ball of life, not particularly a smooth circle, but with bits of tasks protruding at the oddest angles. Eventually I learned that seeing the overall picture was one thing – trying to work with it as a single entity was bad news. So my inner voice repeated over and over, “break this down into smaller manageable pieces and do the most important ones first.” That rule has always worked for me and I’ve passed it along to my family and friends, even when they didn’t ask for my opinion. Lately, though, I’ve been struggling to stick with the program. Everything feels really important right now. So much so, that I feel a little lost in the rush of events.

This year I’ve had a lot of friends’ deaths and illnesses that have left their painful marks on me. My friend of 50 years, Julie, finally died after a long decline from cancer. Hers was the most challenging for me, part of a small group of women from my youth with whom there was still a deeply intimate bond. And there was sweet Nick who worked for Michael, victim to the demon depression, and Lidia, an artist and part of my social circle when my kids were young, taken by the coronavirus.  There were lots of famous  cultural icons who’ve died too. Kobe Bryant, John Prine, Little Richard.

The talented musician and lyricist David Olney is gone as is the comic, Jerry Stiller and Kenny Rogers, a musician from my childhood years. I started realizing I can’t remember all the deaths as they’re lost in a faceless sea of Covid19 victims. Is the virus the top priority? It’s still here and still actively tearing through our society. As with everything else, there’s a division between those who are taking it seriously and those who are basically done with it. I’ll never understand why wearing a mask which can potentially protect the vulnerable is so controversial for people. Impinging on their individual freedom. That says a lot to me. For a huge swath of the population, selfishness is the credo – not community responsibility. Right now I know four people who are in cancer treatment. The idea that simply crossing paths with an asymptomatic carrier could make them sicker during their time of being immunocompromised enrages me. But talk about lives lost. What about the boiling rage that’s poured into the streets all over the world? George Floyd could never have imagined what an international furor his murder would ignite. The centuries-old oppression of people of color is a deep stain on humanity. So much barbarism and so many lives taken. I can barely assimilate it all.  While the virus carouses and people of different colors and genders demonstrate for fair treatment, below our feet, in our waters and the air, climate change is churning away, threatening the existence of everyone and everything on this planet. Climate change

World has six months to avert climate crisis, says energy expert

International Energy Agency chief warns of need to prevent post-lockdown surge in emissions

Fiona Harvey Environment correspondent

Thu 18 Jun 2020 00.00 EDT

Yesterday, I read the article with the above title in The Guardian. Hardly encouraging, to say the least.  So here we are. Volatile and at risk. Every day there’s something new to think about. North Korea blows up a building where negotiations for cooperation are taking place. A warning is given internally in the US about not resuming nuclear testing. India and China are warring on their border. Oddly, the Supreme Court handed down two unexpectedly liberal decisions which inflamed Trump who thought he’d effectively rigged that court. Frankly, so did I. What a blitz of wide-ranging topics. Swinging around mentally from issue to issue, I suddenly began thinking about Captain Brett Crozier. Remember him? He was the captain of the USS Theodore Roosevelt who got fired for writing a letter about needing to dock the ship to prevent widespread transmission of Covid19 amongst his crew. They wound up in Guam, where many, including Crozier, tested positive and were quarantined. The way he was treated created blowback. The person who fired him resigned and there was a recommendation that Crozier’s commission be restored. But then, at least for me, he vanished from the headlines. I looked him up and found that in the beginning of May, he was reassigned to San Diego in a temporary position as assistant to a Naval Air Forces chief of staff. He is still being scrutinized in a further investigation. A big story that got little in a hurry, like so many others. Whew! What an exhausting whirlwind.

I’m slowing this cycle down. There are a few things in my control.  When I go out in the world I wear my mask, sanitize anything I can and wash my hands. I’m home almost all day every day, still practicing social distancing. I went to a supportive march for the Black Lives matter movement. I’m growing food organically in my garden and creating a welcoming habitat for threatened pollinators. I donate what I can to organizations that support hungry people and that are working hard to restore ecological balance in the world. I’m hoping we have more than six months for such a massive effort. I’m an ally to oppressed people of all colors and sexes and think often about how to do better in that position. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of writing to a young woman who won the scholarship named for my husband, which is annually awarded to a student who excelled in history and social sciences at the school where he taught. She wrote an insightful paper about Alexander Hamilton and plans to major in journalism in college. She was president of her Habitat for Humanity club and editor-in-chief of the school paper. She wrote that she has a social conscience. I’m so happy that I can in a very small way, carry on Michael’s engagement with young people and pass on his messages. I’m hoping to keep on with this tribute to him and those students as long as I can.

But I’m also going to be still.  I’m going to try to keep my head on straight. I’m going to enjoy my garden. I’m listening to new music every day. I’m watching the birds with my binoculars and enjoying their behavior as they cohabitate with me. I’m writing more. I need to draw more too. When I’m with my grandsons, I want to have fun with them, but I want to teach them too. Making a contribution to their growth is important to me. Life is certainly busy, but I can contain some of the overwhelming parts. I ordered myself a little pool. Years ago, Michael and I had one and sometimes it was just great to loll around in cool water. I miss swimming and dream of it, but for now, this will have to do. Sometimes I just close my eyes and visualize Michael from head to toe, which has a remarkably comforting effect on me. I toy with writing a book on the sexuality of older women but so far my kids have begged me for restraint.

No matter what happens next, I want to savor these small moments. I have no idea what catastrophe may appear next. I do know how I’m not getting any younger and that my future will be filled with challenges. Time to practice self-awareness.  You can find me in my yard if you’re looking for me. Yell. I won’t be able to hear because of my headphones. I’m hoping I can use the outside as often as possible during the last half of the year. I don’t know how many years I get.  Not going to squander any time if I can help it.

  Summer Solstice This evening I went outside at about 8:20 pm to take my recycling container to the curb for early morning pick-up.

[jessicakehoe]

The Underplayed Documentary Shines a Light on Gender Inequality in Electronic Music

After highlighting the issue of “diversity within the music space” in the short film Discwoman several years ago, director Stacey Lee has returned with a documentary that focuses on the routine harassment and lack of equality that women and female-identifying creatives in the world of electronic music have faced for decades. “This isn’t a new phenomenon,” says Lee when asked about the sexism, undervaluing and under-representation that’s explored Underplayed, a new documentary which was produced by Bud Light and premieres at this year’s Toronto International Film Festival on September 19. “Women have been central and instrumental to the whole birth of this industry since the beginning.”

Stacey Lee. Photograph courtesy of Underplayed

Lee’s film offers a voice to a wealth of musical talents ranging from Australian DJ, producer and singer Alison Wonderland and twin sister act Nervo to Los Angeles-based DJ and producer Tokimonsta, Niagara Falls’s Rezz and Grammy winner Suzanne Ciani. It also draws attention to trailblazers like musician and composer Delia Derbyshire.

Lee says that she was shocked at what she uncovered while working on Underplayed, particularly given this wasn’t her first production on the topic. “It was like nothing had evolved,” she says of the four years since her first project hit the screens. “If anything, some of the statistics were worse. It made me realize the urgency surrounding it.” At the core of the film is the notion that for women to gain equal footing with their male counterparts, a revolution — with all voices involved — must happen.

“It’s exceptionally complicated because you don’t want to distract from the art and the craft of what you’re doing by defining yourself as a woman,” says Lee about her documentary subjects. “At the same time, because there’s such inequity in the space, they also have a responsibility to speak up until things are right…. It’s a male responsibility, too. Women can’t be the only ones fighting for this. It’s the same as the Black Lives Matter movement. It’s shouting into an echo chamber if women are the only ones talking about this.”

FASHION spoke to four electronic acts who are part of the documentary about the trials they’ve faced, how self-expression brings them joy and what keeps them playing on.

TOKIMONSTA

courtesy of tokimonsta

“I think ingenuity is such a challenge and a gift,” says L.A.-based multi-hyphenate Jennifer Lee, who produces music and DJs under the name Tokimonsta. “It’s a quality in music that I strive for, and it keeps me on my toes.”

Lee, who grew up in a traditional immigrant household and learned how to play piano in her youth, says it wasn’t until she left for college that she could dabble in musical creation outside the works of the classical greats (all men) she had been exposed to and expected to learn.

“Growing up, I felt as if I had a lot of creative ideas, but if I ever strayed from Mozart or whatever I was playing, my family would be like, ‘What are you doing? Just stick to what you’re meant to do,’” she recalls. “I never allowed myself the opportunity to think that being creative in a different way was possible or OK. Once I decided to leave for college, it didn’t really matter what my parents thought anymore. I was on my own.”

During her first year of post-secondary studies, Lee downloaded the music production program FruityLoops (now called FL Studio) and developed the technical skills and prowess to craft the hypnotic tracks she has become known for; she points to the genres of drum & bass and West Coast rap and the work of Missy Elliott as being pivotal influences on her style. In 2015, after releasing two albums, Lee was diagnosed with Moyamoya disease, which affects arteries in the brain; she lost a host of cognitive functions and had to learn how to make music all over again.

Despite Lee’s evolution as a musical entrepreneur — she launched the record label Yung Art several years ago — and the fact that she’s self-taught, part of the sexist behaviour she has witnessed through her more than a decade-long career centres around her abilities as a creator. “There have been rumours that my boyfriend was making all my beats and he taught me everything I know,” she says. “Those rumours still exist because people don’t want to think I did it on my own. The discouraging part is that I’ve become so wrapped up in this idea that people don’t give me ownership of my music that it creates a blockage, and I feel very reluctant to work with other people. It has created some long-lasting trauma for me. But I’m growing and exiting from that, and I need to think about the art more than my ego, essentially.”

In addition to Lee learning to release her fears about collaboration, she says that familial acceptance with regard to her career has also grown; her mother now gleefully watches out for Tokimonsta mentions in the newspaper. And her mother — who was a fashion designer in the 1960s — has influenced her in terms of the style choices she makes. “She’s had a profound impact on my style,” says Lee. “She’s all about classic looks—the idea that if you have a certain style of jacket, you’ll have it for the rest of your life. I’ve always enjoyed her perspective on fashion in that way.”

TYGAPAW

courtesy of tygapaw

“I didn’t think of DJing as something I could pursue. If you don’t see yourself represented in a position, you don’t think it can be obtained.” Dion McKenzie, who goes by the moniker Tygapaw, grew up in Jamaica, and though she was exposed to music by Whitney Houston and Tina Turner growing up, the male-dominated dancehall and reggae scenes that permeated the culture left little space for women to consider themselves part of that world in the creative sense.

After moving to New York to study graphic design at Parsons School of Design, McKenzie felt emboldened to pursue the passion that had previously been denied. “I wanted to dive into learning how to play an instrument, but I wasn’t necessarily encouraged or supported when I was younger,” she recalls, noting that when she was a teen, her most potent musical memories came from hearing alternative music by bands like Nirvana and No Doubt. “I had a deep interest in the sound of an amplified guitar running through distortion,” she says.

McKenzie leaned into learning the guitar, and that eventually led to an interest in DJing. “It started when I was in a band, and my bandmate was a DJ as well,” she says. “She was fierce, and she really encouraged me. She said: ‘If you want to DJ, you should just do it. you shouldn’t put a barrier in front of yourself.’”

Since those early days, Tygapaw has become an integral part of New York’s underground music scene and beyond, although quarantine has forced her to focus more on the creation of her first full-length album than globe-trotting. “I’m enjoying the break because sometimes it can be overwhelming when you’re touring a lot and constantly in motion,” she says.

It’s hard to imagine McKenzie revelling in stillness when her music has such a propulsive quality, mixing nuances of island rhythms with driving electronic elements. the range of influences reflected in her tracks can also be seen in how she approaches dressing. “Personal style for me is all about expression and where I’m at in terms of my comfort in denouncing what society deems as conventional,” she says. “expressing myself, especially when it comes to my gender—or non-gender. There’s an evolution that’s in progress.”

The notion of progression resonates with McKenzie’s career path as well. “I create opportunities for myself, and I don’t take no for an answer,” she says. “A lot of times for Black, queer, non-binary and trans artists, that’s often the case. We create our own space and carve our own path.”

Although Tygapaw is one of the biggest names in New York nightlife, McKenzie says she was surprised to be asked to be part of the Underplayed documentary. “I’m an underground artist, Black and queer, and I also present in a certain way; I’m not high femme,” she notes. “There’s no overnight success for people who look like me; there’s a continuous work ethic — being ridiculously resilient and continuing to have a vision for yourself.”

Interestingly, McKenzie says another creative in the documentary is someone she admired as she was coming up through the touring circuit. “Tokimonsta has been an inspiration,” she says about fellow subject Jennifer Lee. “I saw her live at a festival where I was playing a smaller room, and now it’s come full circle where I’m in a documentary with her. Life is funny and interesting that way.”

And since McKenzie knows first-hand what example and encouragement can lead to, she says that the opportunity to be a voice in the film was important to her. “It’s really to empower young Black girls to know that they’re good enough. You can shine as bright as you want because you’re completely capable.”

NERVO

Photograph by by Chloe Paul

Like many of their peers, twin musical act Nervo acquired their aptitude after years of training — for them, in piano, violin and voice. Miriam and Olivia Nervo — who have recorded tracks with Kylie Minogue and Kesha and got their big break with a Grammy Award-winning song they co-wrote with David Guetta and Kelly Rowland — grew up in Australia in the musical-theatre world and haven’t stopped stealing the stage since.

“I think our singing teachers would roll over in their graves if they could hear us now,” Miriam notes with a laugh, as the pair have lent their vocal skills to pop-fuelled tunes that are a far cry from the formal arrangements they once studied. “The greatest thing about pop music is that it’s super-creative,” she says. “It’s all about breaking rules and doing what you feel.”

One gets a sense of this free-spirited nature via Nervo’s wardrobe choices — a mix that includes bodysuits, outsized tops and jackets and a selection of silky boxing shorts from Thailand. “We’ve always had fun with fashion and our hair,” says Miriam. “The best part of our job is being able to wear the best wardrobe.”

Always ones to follow their own beat, the sisters took a course in music production after several experiences of having their music “ripped off” by producers. When asked about the discrimination they’ve encountered, Miriam says: “We’ve always been around that. It’s part of being a woman in a male-dominated industry — you experience it in all aspects, from talent scouting and development to working with other artists.”

In order to shine a light on these challenges, the two were keen to be part of Underplayed; they had performed as part of the Bud Light House Party Tour and loved the experience. But they’re quick to point out that their interest doesn’t ultimately lie in shaming aggressors. “It doesn’t do us any service to name them,” says Olivia. “It’s tricky airing dirty laundry about our male counterparts in the business,” adds Miriam. “Yes, some of them haven’t been supportive or have been sexist, but our nature is to focus on the good and move forward.”

Miriam and Olivia notably used the documentary’s platform to demonstrate one women’s issue that’s still deeply under-represented in the entertainment industry: being a working mother. The pair announced their pregnancies in 2018 and avidly share the journey with fans. “That part of our lives we’re very open about,” says Miriam. “There are a lot of DJs who are fathers, but you wouldn’t know it from their social media,” adds Olivia.

Recalling the women who have influenced their musicality since they were teenagers — like Irish DJ Annie Mac and British musician Sonique as well as their relationship with music manager Amy Thomson, whom they credit as being a strong single mother — the Nervo sisters can’t help but look forward to a world with more female representation across all industries.

“I’m so optimistic for their lives,” says Miriam about her daughter’s and niece’s future. “I think women and girls these days are getting great opportunities. Society is changing.” And not a minute too soon.

CIEL

Photograph courtesy of ciel

When Toronto-based DJ, promoter and producer Cindy Li — also known as Ciel — isn’t visiting one of her favourite local shops, like vintage haunts Nouveau Riche Vintage, Public Butter and Common Sort, she’s directing her attention to not only her craft but also making the music industry a more equitable place.

Li feels that much of the problem is rooted in confidence, having experienced her own self-esteem struggles, which started when she was a young piano student. “I didn’t think I had it in me,” she recalls about making the move to create her own music after years of classical training. “Growing up in that world…there’s this idea that talent is innate. That kind of thinking is especially harmful for women because we aren’t as encouraged.”

This is something that Li has worked actively throughout her life to combat. “When I interact with women at workshops and on social media, I’m always trying to encourage them to not let fear stop them,” she says. “Anyone can make music if they want to and if they have the time and dedication.”

Though Li, who also ran a fashion blog in the 2010s, took a hiatus from the music scene for several years, she returned to nurture experimentations in sound—her tracks are melodic, intentional and uplifting—as well as encourage a new community by throwing parties with a fellow female entrepreneur. The events brought together “a queer-, woman-, POC-heavy community of people” at a time when “most lineups were 99 per cent male.” And although these parties made headway in terms of illustrating what equality in the music industry could look like, Li says that slowly, over time, she found that her influence was limited. “In the existing community—and you can see this in other cities as well—people were OK to just keep doing what they were doing.”

This was evident when Li called out a successful promoter in Toronto who until that point “had consistently booked all-male lineups and actually hadn’t booked a single woman in six years.” She recounts the experience as being something she would advise others against, even though call-out culture has become ubiquitous across industries. “It was really intense, and I don’t recommend it,” she says. “It was mentally trying for me. Leading by example is great if you have a lot of patience. Calling out will get you more immediate results but not necessarily the results you desire. A lot of times when you call someone out, they just shut down and end the project rather than trying to do better. The group that I called out stopped throwing parties. Of course, I was blamed for their disbanding. But I didn’t ask them to disband; I just criticized them for not booking women.”

In spite of this experience, Li hasn’t lost her drive to inspire others. “The way the industry looks now versus how it looked five years ago is hugely different,” she says. “There are way more women on lineups.” But she adds that with an uptick in representation comes the danger of insincerity. “I’ve been the token female DJ on an all-male lineup,” she says, noting that she’s also experienced multiple instances of payment disparity with her male peers. “For a man to say something like ‘I’m not going to play your party unless you pay me $500’ — it’s very rare for women in the industry to have that level of confidence,” she explains. “That’s a much deeper problem in examining inequality — a lot of women lack the self-confidence to compete with full gusto against their male counterparts.”

Li says that there’s much work to be done for the music industry to eliminate discrimination, highlighting the fact that female DJs are still treated differently even when it comes to accolades — for example, in the separate list rankings for top DJs and then top female DJs. “We’re trying to achieve integration and equality,” she says, adding that what it all comes down to is this: “Women need their existence to be normalized.”

This story appears in the October issue of FASHION magazine, available on newsstands from September 10th and and via Apple News + today. 

Photography by Iakovos kalaItzakIs. Styling by Ryan WeavIng. Creative direction by geoRge antonopoulos. left: Jacket, $4,930, corset, $3,830, and skirt, $1,255, andreas kronthaler for vivienne westwood. right: Jumpsuit, $2,275, vivienne westwood. necklaces and gloves, stylist’s own.

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