#it fits! the whole deal is that he and her mother thought they were madly in love and then that wasn't enough (and she left)

[13skeletons]

thought i'd figured out how old the fictional person who lives in my brain is only to realize that the birth year i'd settled on would make her father 17 when she was born....don't know how i feel about that lol

[theartofdreaming1]

Here is my attempt at portraying Peeta’s camouflage skills convincingly 😅😅

As usual, my thoughts regarding this week’s prompts and random thoughts on chapters 19-21 are below the cut.

heart

While I love all the banter between Katniss and Peeta, I think my favorite of these three chapters is: “Trust me. Killing things is much easier than this,” I say. “Although for all I know, I am killing you.” “Can you speed it up a little?” he asks. “No. Shut up and eat your pears,” I say. A classic 😄

mind

I always imagined that Cato went after Thresh before coming for Katniss and Peeta because a) Thresh took the backpack for District 2 (which contained the body armor that would make dealing with Katniss’s arrow so much easier) and b) Thresh killed Clove and Cato wanted to avenge her... Although I have no idea how Cato ended up killing Thresh... he was doing pretty well for himself in his grass-y area... Maybe the Gamemakers wanted to punish Thresh for not killing Katniss and generated that thunderstorm and rain to force Thresh out of his refuge, which would give Cato a fair chance to kill him, I guess...

soul

Lol, honestly, since Peeta just generally seems to be motivated by kindness and love/caring, I don’t think it took much for him to keep the star-crossed lovers angle alive (I could easily imagine him actually noticing Katniss in the willow tree early in the Games and offering to take care of the District 8 girl, so the Careers would get the hell out of there, away from Katniss)

Chapter 19:

Peeta, who’s been wounded, is now my ally. [...] I’d loathe any tribute who didn’t immediately ally with their district partner. Besides, it just makes sense to protect each other. - Honestly, this just highlights what a kind person Katniss is, despite her aloof front; her innermost instinct is always to stick together and to protect. Because it doesn’t really make sense for her to team up with Peeta - she knows he’s wounded and won’t be of much help to her, her chances of survival are way better if she stayed on her own, but it’s not something she’d ever consider now that they are allowed to form a team (and only then does she even factor in the whole ‘star-crossed lovers of district 12′ -angle)

Peeta, it turns out, has never been a danger to me. The thought makes me smile. - Aww 😊 (but also, how heart-breaking that the Capitol will do everything in their power to change that, to make Peeta become a danger to Katniss 😢)

He’s very hard to predict, which might be interesting under different circumstances - Okay, but this just makes me think of that exchange in Gilmore Girls when Paris and Rory talk about how you know a guy is right for you:  “Someone who’s compatible but not compatible.” “Yeah, kind of. I mean, you respect each other’s opinions and you can laugh at the same jokes, but I don’t know – there’s just something about not quite knowing what the other person’s gonna do at all times that’s just really exciting.” - fits these two to a T 😏

In fact, I’ve just about decided I’m on the wrong track entirely, that a wounded boy would be unable to navigate getting to and from this water source, when I see the bloody streak - Okay, but how flipping tough is Peeta?! He’s severely injured, with multiple tracker jacker stings and he drags himself to this terrain that is almost impossible to navigate for someone in his condition - a sturdy dandelion, indeed!

“You’re here to finish me off, sweetheart?” - What an entrance after having gone AWOL for quite a couple of chapters 👌🏼👏🏼

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.” I jerk my head back but end up laughing. “Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind.” [...] “Katniss?” Peeta says. I meet his eyes, knowing my face must be some shade of green. He mouths the words “How about that kiss?” I burst out laughing - He’s lying in a river bed, slowly dying, and he can still make her laugh 😊

“You know, you’re kind of squeamish for such a lethal person” - It’s such a small comment, but I can’t help but think that Peeta is just kind of intrigued to discover all these little idiosyncrasies that make up the ever-elusive Katniss Everdeen ;)

Impulsively, I lean forward and kiss him, stopping his words. -  Aww, she doesn’t even want to consider him dying, so she spontaneously decides to cut him off with a kiss👀👀 Honestly, at this point Peeta has elicited 2 (!) spontaneous kisses  (the kiss after the chariot ride and this one) from Katniss, who generally isn’t that big on touching people

“You’re not going to die. I forbid it. All right?” - Stubborn, protective Katniss... But also reminds me of their rooftop “date” in CF and the “Then you’ll allow it?” “I’ll allow it” - exchange

I kiss him awake, which seems to startle him. Then he smiles as if he’d be happy to lie there gazing at me forever. He’s great at this stuff. - KaTNisSs, gurl... 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

Chapter 20:

But I knew he was injured. And still I came after him. I’m just going to have to trust whatever instinct sent me to find him was a good one. - The very best of instincts, Katniss, don’t you worry😉

Peeta’s struggling to get up when I reach the cave. “I woke up and you were gone,” he says, “I was worried about you.” - Gah, why are the both of them so good?! They just care for and worry about each other 24/7

“How do you feel?” “Better than yesterday. This is an enormous improvement over the mud,” he says. “Clean clothes and medicine and a sleeping bag... and you.” Oh right, the whole romance thing. - Oh Katniss...😐 I reach out to touch his cheek and he catches my hand and presses it against his lips. I remember my father doing this very thing to my mother and I wonder where Peeta picked it up. - Where did Peeta pick this up? From a time his family was less dysfunctional? Observing couples in the town square? Or is he a fricking disney prince and these things come natural to him? Questions, questions...

“You didn’t sleep,” Peeta says. “I’m all right,” I say. But the truth is, I’m exhausted. “Sleep now. I’ll keep watch.” [...] I test his cheek. Hot as a coal stove. He claims he’s been drinking, but the containers still feel full to me. I give him more fever pills and stand over him while he drinks first one, then a second quart of water. - These two are just too stubborn to take proper care of themselves - good thing that each of them is adamant to force the other to sleep/drink/eat when necessary

“Besides I like watching you sleep. You don’t scowl. Improves your looks a lot.” - When presented with the choice of being flirty vs being a cheeky little shit, Peeta will choose being a flirty cheeky little shit every time ����

“I’m going to make soup,” I say. “Don’t light a fire,” he says. “It’s not worth it.” - Okay, but what he’s actually saying is “I’m not worth it” 😭😭

Katniss telling that story about buying Prim’s goat😊... A young buck, probably a yearling by his size. His antlers were just growing in, still small and coated in velvet. [...] Beautiful. - We are all very much aware of Peeta’s appreciation for beauty, but the same does apply to Katniss, too (she’s just overall more pragmatic)

“Was it [the goat] still wearing the pink ribbon?″ he asks. “I think so,” I say. “Why?” “I’m just trying to get a picture,” he says thoughtfully. -  Peeta is so detail-oriented! I have this theory that this is actually something that enables him to overcome his hijacking; we catch glimpses in MJ of how he inches himself out of his condition by asking/focusing on small details or things most people would dismiss as trivial (Katniss’s favorite color, the color of her dress visiting District 7, her Dad singing the Hanging Tree when Peeta was 6 or 7 years old...) and I feel like it makes a lot of sense - his tormentors in the Capitol either wouldn’t have access to distort these moments or not even consider them to have any significance (since they are all about big, flashy gestures in the Capitol), so these memories would remain untouched. Luckily, Peeta seems to live by Robert Brault’s words: “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. “

“Really? What did you cost me again?” I ask. “A lot of trouble. Don’t worry. You’ll get it all back,” he says. - Well, he’s going to cost her a lot more trouble in the future - but we know he’s going to make up for it and bring her much happiness, too 😊

“You’re not risking your life for me.” “Who said I was?” I say. [...] “Of course I’m not going.” [...] “You’re such a bad liar, Karniss.” [...] Anger flushes my face. “All right, I am going, and you can’t stop me!” “I can follow you. At least partway. I may not make it to the Cornucopia, but if I’m yelling your name I bet someone can find me. And then I’ll be dead for sure,” he says. - Soo.. their love language is offering to sacrifice their life like it’s nothing, huh?! 😳😅 

Peeta eats without complaint, even scraping out the pot to show his enthusiasm. He rambles on about how delicious it is, - lol, sounds like a husband trying to get back on his wife’s good side after they had a row 😂

I clamp my hand over his mouth and nose hard, forcing him to swallow instead of spit. He tries to make himself vomit the stuff up, but it’s too late, he’s already losing consciousness. - Ah, the most important indicator of true love: having person A force-feed person B a sedative so they can run off to get them life-saving medicine ;)

Chapter 21:

I lie next to Peeta in the bag, trying to absorb every bit of his fever heat. It’s strange to be so physically close to someone who’s so distant. Peeta might as well be back in the Capitol, - Reminds me how in MJ she’s going to be so close to Peeta (mentally/emotionally) while he will be physically so distant (in the Capitol!)

a tiny orange one [backpack] [...] that must be marked with a 12 - Interesting how that backpack is orange, huh? Why is that? Are smaller backpacks generally orange (like the one Katniss already has) to be more visible or is this simply to connect the backpack to Peeta (though we don’t know his favorite color at this point)? Do the Gamemakers care whether Katniss gets a matching backpack? It just seems like an unnecessary detail to throw in🤔

The table has just clicked into place when a figure darts out of the Cornucopia, snags the green backpack, and speeds off. Foxface! - Honestly, this was a truly brilliant move; kudos! 👏🏼

[Clove] carefully selects an almost dainty-looking number [knife] with a cruel, curved blade. “I promised Cato if he let me have you, I’d give the audience a good show.” [...] “I think...” she almost purrs. “I think we’ll start with your mouth.” [...] she teasingly traces the outline of my lips with the tip of the blade. - Okay, but the idea of Clove cutting off Katniss’s lips is just all kinds of terrifying and disturbing 😨

“No! No, I-” Clove sees the stone, about the size of a small loaf of bread in Thresh’s hand [...] Thresh brings the rock down hard against Clove’s temple. [...] and I know she’s a goner. - Interesting how Katniss describes that rock that basically saves her life (or at least kills her assailant) as bread-sized, huh? “Your district... they sent me bread. [...] Conflicting emotions cross Thresh’s face. He lowers the rock and points at me, almost accusingly. “Just this one time, I let you go. For the little girl.” - Katniss mentions the bread from District 11 as a proof of her alliance with Rue (and the recognition of D11) and Thresh spares her; bread keeps saving her life (while it keeps representing acts of kindness)

Cato kneels beside Clove, spear in hand, begging her to stay with him. - I appreciate this small, humanizing moment with Cato

The last thing I remember is an exquisitely beautiful green and silver moth landing on the curve of my wrist. - I don’t know much about North American insects (not that I know that much about European insects either - just recently came across a relatively rare moth on my walks that I had never seen or heard of before) - is Katniss describing a special/noteworthy species of moth? Or is this a more literary symbolism kind of moth? (Just looked up some symbolism meaning of moths: change/transformation, seeking light; power of regeneration in some Native American mythology, hmm...)

[universe-n-3276]

Carrying the Moon.

Summary: Something happens at the beginning of their last year at the university. Sander takes a life-changing decision.

Note: This fic follows what happened in my last social media au, it features the same characters but you can easily read it without knowing the whole story. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Chapter 1

Sander never liked summer at all. It is always too hot, sweaty, and sticky. It also ruined his aesthetics, because his favorite clothes were more suited for the colder season. Shorts and flip flops did not exactly match his slightly edgy-artist style. And then, as if all of that wasn’t torture already, he had to store his precious Dr. Martens in the closet, together with his beloved leather jacket. Whenever it was time to leave it on the hanger and abandon it in the dark, for at least two months, his heart wept as if he were punishing his dearest friend.

However, June and July were usually bearable. He kept repeating to himself that, if the summer lasted only two months, it wouldn't be so bad. Instead, August always came by eventually, as if it was the Sunday of the year. August was just too much to deal with. Too hot, boring, and extremely long.

Not even the prospect of spending days with Robbe cheered him up anymore, because at some point they both agreed that the temperature was too hot to even try to cuddle, and all that sweat was worth only for some very specific occasions. Furthermore, their poor fan was close to his final act, becoming slower and slower every day.

That whole year had been extremely stressful for everyone.

It was their second last year of university, and all the members of the gang worked hard to catch up on the exams they had neglected, in order to graduate together, the following summer.

That had been the plan from the start, if it wasn’t for the fact that, nine months before, Charlotte got pregnant. Her boyfriend, Max, had pushed her to carry on with the pregnancy, but when she reached the seventh month, he simply disappeared. Everyone had feared for the physical and mental health of Charlotte and the baby. She cried for two weeks in a row, but then she was back on schedule, studying, and seeing her therapist.

On the 12th of August, Charlotte had given birth to a baby boy, and from that moment, everything went down quickly, because not even 24 hours later, she announced to everyone that she wanted to give her son up for adoption, but at last, her parents convinced her to take home the, still unnamed, newborn.

A month passed since that day, and nothing had changed. Her family and friends helped Charlotte to look after the child, but she refused to see and touch him in any way.

On a Wednesday morning, Sander walked into the apartment, where his mother had been living alone with Charlotte since their parents had divorced. It had been a fairly peaceful decision. They simply parted ways but decided to stay friends.

However, that day took a strange turn, when his mother greeted him with a sad look, rather than her cheerful smile, which both of the twins had inherited. She cradled Charlotte's baby in her arms, feeding him with a bottle of formula.

"I'm going to see how Charlotte is doing."

Sander said after greeting his mother with a kiss and gently stroking the baby's head. He felt a strange feeling growing in his stomach, as he headed to his sister's room.

"Charlotte’s not home. She left something on your bed though. You should read it. "

After his mother had uttered those words, all the happiness, with which he had left his home that morning, definitely disappeared. He walked briskly to his room, and on the bed, he found a letter with his name handwritten on the envelope. He quickly opened it.

His hands were shaking already.

Sander,

Your heart is probably pounding in your chest right now, so, listen to me for once in your life and sit down, close your eyes and breathe the way you should, when a panic attack is about to hit you. 

Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.

You didn’t listen, right? You’re reading this fourth line, but your mind is so clouded with worry, that you haven't understood half of what I wrote. So go back, re-read everything, breathe and keep in mind that I'm fine.

Done?

Good.

You may be wondering where I am, and why I wrote you a letter, but I couldn't do what I'm about to do, looking you in the eyes. I don't often show it with my gestures and even less with words, but my bond with you is the most important of my life. You're the person I care the most about, and just one negative word from you would hurt me more than a thousand insults from someone else. This is why I am writing this because I know you wouldn't agree with my decision.

I have to go away, Sander. I worked too hard to build the life I wanted to live, and you know it. I struggled to keep up with my colleagues, and I tortured myself to do better than them, and eventually, I succeeded. 

I haven’t mentioned it to you, because, until last week, I hadn’t the gut to take this step, and in the last few months, my life has changed its direction so many times, that I didn't really know what to do with my dreams anymore.

I got the scholarship I applied for. The University of Sydney. Yes, Sydney in Australia. At this very moment, I am already at the airport. Don't try to stop me, please.

I assure you, it was a deliberate decision. This isn’t coming from a hormonal shift or my illness. You can ask my therapist, she knows everything, and I gave her permission to talk to you about me if you need to be reassured by her.

Over the past few years, I've seen you create a beautiful life for yourself. When we moved to Lucas' school, you had nothing, you started from scratch, and look how far you've come! You became a fantastic, loving, talented man. Whenever you walk into a room, everyone stops to look at you, because you are bright and dazzling, just like the sun. We are just mere planets, waiting for you to shine on us, even for the briefest moment. I know you will never believe it because, in that beautiful head of yours, you see yourself not as a star, not even as the moon. You see yourself as Pluto, a bigger asteroid that has been mistaken for a planet by some heedless scientist.

I have the strength to leave, only because I know that Robbe will always be next to you. You couldn't choose a better man to share your existence with. I know that, even if you’d break into a thousand pieces, he would be able to put you back together. 

I can't wait to see your whole life together, your engagement, marriage, and your five children, which I will love madly. I'll be there for all of these things, it's a promise, so don't be sad.

Regarding the other matter, which I know you are thinking about, I also took care of him. Ever since Max left, I knew, I couldn't do it alone, and that he would probably be better with someone else. Unfortunately, mom and dad are no longer together and don't want to take care of him alone. 

I just asked them to deal with the papers. I hope, he will be adopted soon by someone who can love him even if he carries the moon inside of him like me. 

I'm not fit to be a mother. I would be a burden to him, and I know this is the right choice.

I already miss you, Sander. 

Hug Robbe for me.

I love you.

Charlotte

Sander didn’t know when he had started to cry. He reread his sister's letter at least twenty times, to be able to understand it in its entirety.

Charlotte was gone.

She had taken the decision to give her baby up for adoption.

His head was spinning, he could still feel his heart running in his chest, but while he was reading that letter again for the fourteenth time, a thought had bravely made its way into his head. 

Sander couldn't fall apart, he had to be strong.

His new life was about to begin.

[next]

[allie1804-fan]

New Beginnings (Chapter 7)

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New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

Warnings : mentions of loss, grieving and some explicit content

For the first few days Emily convalesced after the surgery and they didn’t leave home.  They had only told a few people about the pregnancy (Keanu’s mum, her parents, Karina, Chloe) but so far Karina was the only one who knew what had happened. 

She’d obviously told their mother and had offered to make the other calls but Keanu said he’d do it. 4 days later he still hadn’t faced up to it. He didn’t quite know how to form the words in his mouth. Just thinking about it made his stomach churn and brought the trauma of this loss AND of his daughter over 20 years before back in living colour. The hospital rooms, the doctors’ words.  

Emily was facing similar struggles. She spent most of the time in bed but restful sleep was hard to come by and she too kept reliving the pain and the shock of discovering the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

Toward the end of the week he was forced to deal with it though. They were dozing in bed at just after 9 when Emily’s phone rang.

“What?” he heard her whisper as she listened to the voice on the phone.

“No, I’m not there because my baby is dead” she hissed.

He reached over and grabbed the phone from her realising what must have happened. They had been due to go for the first scan that morning but somehow the system hadn’t caught up with the obstetrics department to let them know about the ectopic pregnancy.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing calling here?”  he berated the poor woman on the phone, don’t you have proper communication channels, it’s been 4 days!”  

Emily could hear the beginnings of a flustered apology from the woman but it was quickly cut off as Keanu ended the call,  immediately feeling terrible for unleashing his anger on someone whose fault it clearly wasn’t.

He sat up and sighed, pulling Emily to his chest.

“I’m gonna have to make those calls today. Chloe and your mum will be expecting us to check in”

Emily just sniffed acknowledging that this was the next step they had to take.

“Can we go back to the counsellor” she asked “I think we probably need some help dealing with this ……….. rage.”

“yeah, I’ll call her too. If I don’t I’m just gonna hurt someone or something!”

Chloe got a taxi over as soon as she heard the news, leaving Rosie and Jamie with John. She couldn’t drive yet because of having a C-section but she didn’t want to wait to offer some comfort to one of her oldest friends.  When she got there, she just climbed into bed with Emily, wrapped her arms around her and held her friend, letting her cry it out.

OCTOBER

The next 3 months had been tough and sometimes just one day seemed to pass agonisingly slowly but gradually their lives felt like they were getting back on track. Accepting that they’d likely never have their own biological children was a harsh reality to face especially when close friends like Chloe and John had already completed their families, watching their children grow and take on their physical and personality traits.

Babysitting for  Chloe and John had been one of the biggest milestones they’d faced along the way. The image of Emily sitting on the sofa at Chloe and John’s house giving Rosie her bedtime bottle was seared into Keanu’s mind, making him remember the day Emily had held Jake and felt the pull inside to have her own child. They’d talked the idea through with the counsellor before offering to babysit. It almost felt like doing it would cauterise a wound. The counsellor had explained that while confronting their loss in the form of baby Rosie might feel like it would burn them too deeply, it was one way of facing the pain full on. The alternative was boxing it up and not letting it breathe and Keanu remembered doing just that after Ava. The only way his sadness and rage has made itself known for years was through acting. Otherwise it had been boxed away into his early 40s and when he did face it, its power after 6 years surprised and terrified him. He was determined not to do the same this  time

The fact that they were no longer trying helped as did the fact that their time thinking she was pregnant was so brief.  At least she hadn’t started to really think about when the baby was due and the future in too much detail. Having known friends who’d been through loss before, she knew that building a little dream future only to lose it was often the hardest part. Still, they were still letting go of a precious dream and some days that pain hit either one of them like a ton of bricks.

Another aspect of life that helped the clouds to lift was that each had exciting new projects coming up that were going to keep them very busy. In anticipation of having no more free time, they booked a trip back to Italy.  First came a week in Capri visiting Keanu’s sister Kim and then another week back in Taormina Sicily.

They had a wonderful time despite Emily being laid low for a couple of days with a stomach flu but she made a swift recovery and they were able to enjoy their time visiting their favourite restaurant again and discovering historical sites that they’d missed on their first visit.

They ended their trip in what was becoming a sort of tradition with them – a whole morning in bed where Keanu dedicated himself to bringing her to multiple orgasms before finally taking her to the edge of heaven, burying himself deep inside her.

They vowed to take each day as it came, enjoy their work, live in the moment  and love each other.

On her return Emily planned to get a coil fitted so she could stop using hormones and be secure with her birth control until she no longer needed it. After the ectopic pregnancy they’d used condoms briefly and then she’d restarted the pill. For the trip, Emily had deliberately left no gap between 2 courses of the pill towards the end of their holiday to avoid spoiling it with a period. Once she was back she could visit her gynaecologist and move forward.

A couple of weeks after their return to LA, Emily had her appointment about the coil. She explained her circumstances to the nurse who was sympathetic about what she’d gone through. The work up involved some blood tests, a smear and a pregnancy test just to be sure especially since she hadn’t had a period for almost 6 weeks by then. They made a follow up appointment for the following week with Keanu too since she recommended they have a chat with a counsellor before the coil fitting, just to make sure this was the best route for them as a couple. The coil would usually stay in place for a minimum of 5 years and since they’d had a relatively recent loss, they were a little cautious.

The next week they were madly rushing to squeeze in the appointment then run on to a training session for Keanu and a writers’ room for Emily.

The doctor came into the consulting room to Emily’s surprise as she was expecting the counsellor or nurse she’d seen the week before to just run through the results and check in that Keanu agreed with their course of action.

“So, I have the results of your tests here and they mean we won’t be progressing with the coil fitting today”

Emily huffed a little, irritated that this whole procedure was becoming far less straightforward than she’d expected.

“Why not, what’s wrong?”

Actually nothing is wrong at all …… our tests indicate that you’re pregnant”

Their mouths fell simultaneously agape and they looked at each other in shock”

“that can’t be right, I’ve been on birth control ………….” Emily stammered. She was surprised to find herself less than pleased with this news. She squeezed Keanu’s hand as a wave of fear rushed through her. She wanted a baby so much but being pregnant had become inextricably linked with loss and despair.

Keanu’s thoughts were much the same – after all, as far as he knew, he’d got two women pregnant in his life and both times had ended in disaster.

“What birth control have you been using?”

“For the past 3 months I’ve been on the pill and I took 2 packets consecutively  recently as we went on holiday”

“And have you had any stomach upsets or been on any other medication such as antibiotics?”

Emily started to shake her head but then Keanu tugged her hand

“you had that stomach flu in Italy, remember, you were throwing up for a couple of days ……. His voice drifted off and the doctor grinned

“That will likely be the reason” he said “the pill was probably not absorbed into the bloodstream when you were sick causing it to fail.  It’s a very common mistake not to realise your birth control is compromised when that happens. Well why don’t we take a look to check what’s going on” he said beckoning Emily over to the consulting table.  “We want to be sure everything is in the right place given your last pregnancy was ectopic.”

Still in shock, Emily lay on the table and eased her trousers down to reveal her flat belly.  The doctor  rubbed on the cold jelly and pulled over the wand of the ultrasound machine.

Keanu felt light-headed.  He realised he’d probably been holding his breath since the doctor started explaining how come she might be pregnant. He blew out his breath slowly, eyes fixed on the screen.

The screen showed the cone shape image in white generated by the ultrasound waves and within it the black oval shape of Emily’s womb came into view.

“There it is” the doctor declared happily while Keanu and Emily both stared wondering what on earth he was taking about. Then he helped them, pointing to a little peanut shape within the dark circle whose image seemed to flash on an off.

“There, that’s it, do you see now?”

“Yeah but why does it keep disappearing? Keanu asked

“That’s its heart beating – I always think of it like a little lighthouse flashing to tell you it’s still there”

“So it’s in the right place, not ectopic this time” Emily asked, her voice wavering.

“Everything looks perfect” he smiled reassuringly at them both. “I tell you what, why don’t I just give you a minute alone. If you keep holding the wand right there you can watch your baby and get used to the idea. I guess it’s quite a shock”

“I’ll say” Keanu muttered softly.

As the door closed behind the doctor, Emily just stared at Keanu

“Oh my god this is …”

“unbelievable” he finished her sentence

“mmmm” she nodded

“I don’t think I’m gonna make my writers room” she laughed

“nor me my training” he agreed.

They turned and looked at the monitor again and sure enough there was the little flickering peanut letting them know it was there.

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New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

[minichedders]

princess

bodyguard!tom holland x reader

Tom followed you everywhere, it was his job too, and he was good at it. Not once in the day did he ever let his eyes slip from you, watching you carefully, analysing every move, every step and every expression with keen eyes. He felt a rush whenever your eyes would meet, which was a rare occasion considering the circumstances.

Tom was way over his head. He was foolish. You where the princess, you would never settle for anything less than a prince, and even if you wanted Tom, you were betrothed to marry another Prince to strengthen the nationalities relationships.

Prince James of Papua New Guinea. Tom scoffed, what a piss poor excuse for a man; he was selfish, lazy and didnt even care about the moral respect of women. He had visited you twice since the engagement, and Tom watched with his insides twisting at the sight of James' clammy, fat fingers touching your precious skin; and every time James got too close, your eyes searched for his, crying out for help; which was Tom only favourite part of his visit he enjoyed, the sheer need you begged from him.

He found you insatiable, beautiful beyond words, and you fit in with the luxury of the royal life, but still remained as kind as humble as ever. Every day you went around the palace, greeting everyone who walked past and made your way tot he kitchens to help the chefs cook, to which they openly obliged, against the Queens wishes. The queen was tight-lipped, old fashioned and downright rude, especially to you; she hated and disciplined ou whenever you would openly converse with anyone lower than you, or involved yourself with common charity events or fairs; she had her head too far up her ass to see that every harsh word she spoke brought tears prickling to your eyes, which maddened Tom.

Which was happening right in front of him? Himself and the Queen's guard both stood in the corners of the Queens living area, watching the conversation, more like an argument, roll out in front of them, the uncomfortable atmosphere scratching at Toms' neck.

"You can't get out of this marriage Y/N, I've told you millions of times," The Queen sneered, rolling her eyes at her daughter. Every day you went to your mother, begging relentlessly not to marry you off to an old hag, but she never prevailed.

"Please mother, do you not care about love? about my happiness? I don't want to marry someone i don't love," You cried, your hands flying in crazy gestures, your checks heating, trying to control your tears as they threatened to cross your eye line.

"You will grow to love him Y/N," The Queen sighed, pulling the blue and white fine china cup to her lips, slurping at the fresh tea she had her maid pour, which you had poured your own. The wedding was in 3 months, but the buzz of both nations had been roaring on for the last 5. Your mother had put you through multiple wedding events to try and sway your mind, creating your perfect, grande white wedding that you had always dreamed off, but you didnt want this. You had to marry to keep the power, not just of the other nations, but you couldn't inherit the throne without a King by your side.

"I highly doubt it mother," You sneered, landing the china teacup rather harshly on the matching plate.

"You're merely a young girl, what do you know about love, about ruling a country, at least tell me one of the loyal decrees for goodness sake, you are not fit to rule by your self," 

"I'll study!" You cried, "I can learn, you can be my teacher, and i can marry who i want, for love. Give me three months to learn everything you know," 

"You can't learn it all within three months child," The Queen's voice was quiet, her tone changing from unforgiving to sad.

"Tell you what Y/N, if you can find someone else you love within three months, someone suitable and worthy, I will cancel the wedding," The queen said, your eyes immediately turned to capture Toms, a slight blush creeping to your face, "But, you had to attend classes every Wednesday and Saturday to learn how to be a proper princess, which means no cooking, and you make time for Prince James," 

"Deal"

-

Tom had watched you wander around aimlessly for a whole month, you head dizzy and unfocused ever since you made the deal with your mother. Every man you had met with, Tom hated. He couldn't help it, but he just wanted to scream at you and take you in his arms. He was right in front of you and you were being blinded by the sun.

Your body fell onto your bed, a deep sigh leaving your stained red lips. Your body was sore from your date, where Knight Ben had decided that ice skating would be romantic, but you feel at least 7 times, and Tom was there to pick you up more than Ben was. Toms kind eyes floated in your mind more than you would admit to yourself, every time you caught his eye your hands grew sweaty and they began to shake, he was the most gentle, kind and handsome man you had met, and you thought every night if your mother would think he was suitable enough to marry, because he was the only one you wanted.

"Tom," You spoke, your voice unsure of its self as you stared at the intricate designs of your bedroom ceiling. Toms footsteps echoed in your ear, getting closer to your laying body. Both of you felt dizzy.

"Yes, your highness?" Tom asked. Every time someone had addressed you by your royal title, you cringed, your stomach flipping in the most uncomfortable way, but when it fell from Toms' lips you couldn't suppress the whimper that fell from your unwilling lips.

"Do you think I'm crazy? Thinking I can't find love in three months?" You asked, your head turning and eyes meeting his. Tom could notice the way your breath was shaky, as your eyes watered slightly, and the sight made him want to wrap you in his arms and cradle until he died.

"If i may be so bold to say, your highness, I think you know you are," tom laughed, trying to lighten your mood and make you smile, and when he saw your lips curve upwards for the first time in months his heart skipped a beat.

"True," You replied, staring back at the ceiling. You sat in silence for a moment, before you stood, grabbing Toms' hands and interlocking your fingers together, dragging him outside to the garden. Tom was about to protest, but the feeling of your warm skin so close to his made him speechless, he felt like a nursery boy, madly in love with the most popular girl in school. 

Toms' mouth opened, before you shut him off, "Don't talk, please Tom, i just want to enjoy this quietly," Your voice was soft and quiet, and Tom obliged with no questions asked.

Both of you walked slowly around the garden, the sunlight setting, a dark orange hue painted across the sky, shining through the spring branches of the tall trees, and letting the colourfull garden flowers glow. You sat on the edge of the fountain piece, closing your eyes as you listened to the gentle trickle f the smooth water flow, mixed with the chirping birds and the gentle hum of the wind. Toms body sat next to you, hands still interlocking in your lap; he wanted nothing more but to just confess his undying feelings for you right there, but the pain in your face made him ache to comply to your no talking rule.

"Tommy," You whispered, quiet enough that Tom would've missed it if he wasn't so fixed intently on your lips. He hummed in response, looking back to your know open eyes, deep swirling pools of brown searching into your soul.

"Tell me what you're thinking about," Your eyes cast downwards, taking a deep breath in.

"Uh, I was thinking about how beautiful you are, how every man you have met is a fool not to be head over heels for you, and how much i want to kiss you right now," Tom spoke, his thumb now rubbing against your skin, causing goosebumps in their wake. You felt as if you were dreaming, hearing all the words you had wanted ever since you and Tom met, your breath twitched inside your throat.

"Why won't you?" You asked, still refusing to bring your eyes up to meet his. Your hands were shaking, which Tom noticed from the tight grip he had on you, he watched as you brought your other hand up to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear. Tom brought his hands u to your chin, lifting your face to meet his eyes, you had never felt so adored by a man before, and the way that Tom looked at you made your heart leap; but you where still so nervous about how powerful your feelings where about Tom, and how you just knew your mother would disapprove.

Time seemed to be distant, non-existent as you watched Tom lean forward, his breath against your lips, your heart now thumping widely in your chest. You looked deep into his eyes and down to his pink lips, as you followed his actions and eaned in as well, capturing his lips in for a sweet, meaningful kiss.

The two of you stayed locked together, Toms hands around your waist and you're wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer to you as you continued making out. Tiny moans and whimper came from your lips as grunts fell from his, both of you wanting and needing as much a the other could give, you felt as if Toms' lips brought you to cloud nine, as if you had fallen into heaven, soaring through pink fluffy clouds as your body experienced the tingles he sent through. 

"I love you Y/N," Tom whispered, breaking his lips away from yours. You couldn't help but smile uncontrollably, laughing and blushing as he watched you deeply.

"I love you too, Tommy," You replied, pulling him back in for a short and sweet kiss.

"Now, whos going to tell my mother?" You said, laughing at Toms horrific facial expression, shrugging his shoulders and pulling you on his lap, eager to remain locked together for the rest of eternity.

[greenlightfic]

Maybe it’ll work out in the end

 Tuesday 18:45 – March 31, 2020 – It’s out of our hands

 Edoardo’s half sitting, half laying down on Nico’s couch. Lately, he hasn’t been feeling well on his own, so he takes every opportunity he has to be around people. This time Nico needed a model for some sketches and he offered himself. But that task was finished almost thirteen minutes ago, now he’s just scrolling through Instagram, thinking of a reason to stay there until Fede comes home, while his friend is in the other room talking on the phone. Therefore, he’s alone, and he doesn’t like it.

The front door opens behind him and Edoardo stretches himself to glance at the entrance.

“Hi!” Martino smiles at him when he closes the door.

“Hey, man” Edo sits up and bump fits with his friend.

“Where’s Nico?” Marti asks looking around.

“His mom called” Edoardo explains and moves for Marti to sit comfortably next to him.

“How was modeling?” The tall guy fixes his wild curls thinking. “Alright, I guess? My neck hurts a little bit” he shrugs smiling.

“Don’t tell him that” Martino whispers “he’ll feel guilty”.

“Got it” Edoardo gives him an accomplice smile. “How was your class?” He asks after a second of silence.

“Meh” the redhead makes a face. “Boring”.

“The boring ones are the ones that stick”.

“I almost fell asleep” Marti complains laughing.

“Ok, then you won’t learn anything” They both laugh. It’s nice to be around Martino. He has a particular sense of humor but once you get used to it, it’s impossible not to like him. He’s also very introvert, and it’s never asking too many questions or making Edo feel uncomfortable. And more important, he loves Nico, madly, and Edoardo likes that. He likes to see his friend with someone who actually understands him as a whole and not just an illness. He likes Martino. He really does.

“What’s up with you?”

“Huh?” Edoardo doesn’t know where Marti is going with that question.

“Chicco told us you were ‘busy’ Sunday’s night” he makes quoting marks on the air in the word ‘busy’ and smiles mischievously.

“Not a big deal, I swear” Edoardo looks at his hands.

“Well I think it’s great!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, perfect time. I’ve heard like four different people talking about you and Ele secretly dating. Chicco even tried to talk me into a bet, so this will shut them up” he laughs and quickly stops when he notices Edoardo isn’t laughing with him.

“Edoardo?” Marti’s looking at him with his forehead furrowed. “Were you-”

“It wasn’t Ele. The girl, it wasn’t her”. He assures.

“Okay”. Marti nods.

“I really care about her and everything but, you know. It’s not like that” Edoardo murmurs playing with his sweater. He isn’t very sure of why he’s talking but now he confessed his crush to someone he feels like he needs to put his feelings into words, and he needs other people opinions, especially if those other people know the focus of his crush better than he does.

“Okay…” Marti affirmation sounds more like a question to Edoardo’s ears. He just nods, hoping for Martino to change the topic, or for Niccolò to end the call and come back to the room.

“Edo” Martino sighs loud, soberly forcing his friend to look at him. He does and Marti struggles to let the words out. “If… there’s something you want to say” he moves his hand, trying to make Edoardo understand what he is thinking. “If there’s something you want to say” he repeats with more enthusiasm “I think you should say it to Eleonora.” Edoardo just looks at him. “She’s the most attentive person I know, and she won’t crush your heart just for the sake of it”. Marti holds his gaze, “I understand it can be hard, but if you don’t clear things up, it would end up disturbing your friendship and you two seem to really enjoy being around each other. So…”

“I get it” Edoardo cuts him off because he can’t listen to it any longer. He’s already messed up; he doesn’t need to add more to it.

“Yeah. I love you, too” they both hear Nico walking to them and Edo turns to face Marti, nervous.

“Don’t worry” Marti assures him. “It’s our secret” he smiles patting his friend’s leg and stands up to greet his boyfriend.

“Hey!” Niccolò’s face lights up when he sees Martino, who quickly walks to him and kiss him on the lips. Niccolò instantly smiles into the kiss and Edoardo envies them. He envies their domesticity, their simplicity, the fact they both know they’re safe and… loved.

“I thought you were talking alone” Nico turns to him.

“I’m one exam away from that” he jokes and the three boys laugh.

Martino’s phone rings on his backpack and he sits back again, searching for it. “What did you lie to your mother with?” Martino speaks looking at Nico.

“Nothing!” he replies offended. “I didn’t lie to her.”

“Then why is she ca- oh.” Marti changes his tone mind-sentence and takes the call. “Hey”.

“Why?” He asks to his interlocutor suspiciously and Edoardo shares a look with Niccolò, both confused. “What? Are you serious?” Marti exclaims getting up and half running to the door, even though it’s less than ten steps away from the couch. Nico walks behind him and Edoardo follows close.

Martino opens the door and, from behind his friend, Edoardo catches a glimpse of platinum blonde hair.

“My son!” Filippo shouts hugging Marti very tight and Edoardo notices Elia next to his boyfriend, smiling at them. “My beloved, boring son” Filippo say ruffling Martino’s hair.

“When did you arrive?” Nico asks, walking to him. Filippo lets Marti go to hug Niccolò. The hug is one with affection but it’s different to the one Edoardo just saw him gave Martino. Martino’s hug reminds Edoardo of the one Filippo gave Eleonora.

“Last night” He replies smiling at Nico and rising a brow to Edoardo when he spots him in the back. Meanwhile Elia made his way into the apartment and is now patting Edo’s shoulder.

“And what have you been doing until now?” Martino demands, trying to sound angry.

“What do you think?” Filippo laughs and Edoardo sees Elia covering his face with both hands, trying to hide his red checks.

“Oh” Martino says laughing. “Sorry, Filo, this is-” He’s walking to Edoardo, with Filippo following him. “Edoardo, we already met” Filo cuts him with a smile. “Last night he was at Ele’s when I arrived” Filippo’s smiling smugly again and Edoardo feels the heat increasing.

“Oh.” Marti replies.

“And now that my sister isn’t here to control me, we can finish our conversation” He says resting his hand on Edo’s shoulder. “What is your Hogwarts house, Edoardo?” Edo laughs and his friends join him, what else can they do?

 Wednesday 15:10 – April 1, 2020 – I don’t want this to break you

 Edoardo and Alice have things clear. Alice decided to made them clear right after they slept together for the first time. She likes him, she feels attracted to him, but she doesn’t want to be his girlfriend. She just wants to have a good time with a nice guy. And Edoardo agrees. He does want to move on from his crush but he doesn’t want a relationship, it wouldn’t be fair for his partner, so he’s okay with Alice’s boundaries.

Edoardo tried to make her stay longer because he still doesn’t feel alright being all by himself but the girl has her own things to do, things that doesn’t involve the guy she’s sleeping with, which means Edo can tag alone. So, here they are, outside Edoardo’s building, saying goodbye, and it really could’ve been it but it isn’t and Edoardo has nowhere to hide when Fede’s car parks right next to his. They meet eyes and he know his friend’s panicking as much as he is right now but he can’t run inside or push Alice away, every person inside Federico’s car saw him and he now has to face it.

His friends get out of the car one by one and Alice turns around at the sound of doors closing. She smiles awkwardly when she recognizes Fede who, politely greets her with a kiss on the cheek.

The six of them look at each other in silence until Edo shoves his hands down his jeans’ pockets, clearing his throat. “Alice these are my friends: Giovanni, Sana and… Eleonora”. He watches her shake each one of their hands. Giovanni smiles courteously but Edoardo notices his eyes going from the girl to Eleonora and then back at him. Sana, in the other hand, looks at Alice’s eyes but her smile is less warm than Gio’s, and Eleonora looks at him, as if she were waiting for any sort of confirmation to an answer she hasn’t made, and then smiles at Alice. Edoardo would have given up all his money for that smile to show something: jealousy, discomfort, anything at all. But if Eleonora’s feeling any of those feelings she’s extremely good at hiding them.

“It’s really nice meeting you all but I was leaving, so...” Alice says looking at no one in particular.

“I’ll drive you”. Edo interferes.

“No, it’s okay. It’s no far from here” she smiles.

“You sure?” Edo asks watching her closing the distance between them and he silently prays for her to not kiss him on the lips. No in front of Eleonora.

“I’m sure” she smiles softly and kisses his cheek, placing a hand on the other one. “I’ll see you guys, around” she farewells his friend with the same smile and quickly walks away. They all watch her disappear in the corner of the street in silence. Edoardo’s scared of turning to face his friends.

“Next time,” Sana positions in front of him, amused. “Send a sock to the group chat” she pats his chest and starts walking to the door. Gio looks at him with worry but reminds silence, while Eleonora just smiles shyly to him and follows Sana’s steps.

“I’m sorry” Fede whispers next to him. “I didn’t think you…”

“It’s okay” he tries to smile. “It’s was just… bad timing. Not your fault”. Federico nods twitching his mouth to the side and pats his back.

 Thursday 16:16 – April 2, 2020 – Don’t want to find I’ve lost it all

 Edoardo walks into the Caffè looking for a redhead boy between the people. It isn’t a very big Caffè but it is elongated and, just as Edo imagined, Martino’s almost at the end, next to the closed kitchen, in a small wood table, reading a book.

Martino lift up his head when Edoardo’s almost in front of him and smiles closing his book. “I already ordered two espressos. I hope it’s okay” Marti says, greeting his friend.

“Sure!” Edoardo gets comfortable on his seat in front of his friend. “Thank you” he says with meaning and the look on Marti’s eyes confirms him that the redhead boy understands he’s not only thanking him for the coffee. “Does Nico know we’re here?” Edoardo asks him while the waitress walks to them, and once their coffees are settles in between them Marti speaks. “No, he thinks I’m with some classmates. I didn’t know if you… wanted him to know” he shrugs drinking.

“Thank you” Edo repeats. “Fede’s the only one who knows. Well, and you now”.

“Filippo has his doubts” Marti says smiling, “but there’s any confirmation yet, so…”

“Do you know what you wanna do?” Martino asks him after a few seconds of silently drinking.

“I don’t know. It’s pretty new, you know? I don’t want to tell her or anyone until I’m sure it won’t go away as fast as it came.” He explains playing with the spoon on his coffee cup. Martino nods.

“What did it trigger it? Did you saw her naked or something?” his friend jokes, lighting up the mood.

“Remember the night the power went off?” he waits for an answer and Martino nods. “She was at my place and she end up spending the night there and… I don’t know. It felt different. Like…” he struggles to find the words to describe his feelings.

“Like you actually saw her for the first time?” Marti tries, smiling to himself. “You know, when I first met Nico, I felt attracted to him but it wasn’t until we were alone at his house for the first time that I felt like… it was real. I fell in love with him right there.”

“I’m not in love with Eleonora”. Edoardo rapidly corrects him.

“I know, but what I mean” he moves his hands, finding the right words, “I mean that being just the two of you in some sort of intimate situation triggered your feelings. Maybe you liked her since you met her but you weren’t… ready” Martino holds his gaze to empathize his speech.

“You know her better than most of us”. Edoardo speaks throwing his hands in the air, exhausted. “What do I have to do? And please be clear. I’m losing my mind” he massages his forehead.

Martino finishes his coffee before speaking. “I think you should ask yourself what do you really want and if it is Eleonora and it is real, then you should tell her. Explicitly tell her what you feel and what you want.” Edoardo’s looking at him with attention, he wants to remember every word. “She’s a really cautious person, and she has her reasons but you can scape relationships or… feelings forever. And you can’t hide either. What a better time that now, right?”

“And if she doesn’t feel the same and I fuck it up? Even all of us as a group won’t be the same. I don’t want to mess up all of us for just a crush”. Edoardo keeps telling himself there’s no reason for his feelings to be out if they aren’t reciprocated, it would only bring complications to too many people’s lives.

“I understand that” Marti speaks slow. “When Gio and Eva broke up, it was hard for all of us. They were always avoiding each other but we went through it and eventually they shared a room and no one died. Yeah, it was awkward at first but it’s not the end of the world.” Edoardo just nods, what else can he do? If Eleonora rejects him, it would be awful but, at least, he wouldn’t have to look away every time their eyes meet in a room.

“Okay” he whispers uncertain.

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

Martino smiles and lifts his empty mug to him. Edoardo does the same and their cups bump gently. “Good luck, man!” Marti says genuinely, what makes Edo smiles. He knows Eleonora could hurt him but he also knows his friends aren’t going anywhere and that’s enough for now.

 Friday 12:15 – April 3, 2020 – I wonder can I give you what you need

 Edoardo’s extremely nervous. He’s moving a leg, crazily typing his fingers against the table, unlocking his phone each time the screen goes back, just to see the clock moving way too slow for his nerves to resist any longer.

Filippo Sava messaged him on Instagram, asking him to meet, just the two of them. And maybe it is him who read it wrong but it felt like he was being very serious about it and that scared Edoardo.

And now here he is, really nervous, waiting for the coffee shop’s door to be opened by Filippo, who suddenly appears in front of his eyes, walking like he owns the place. Edoardo wishes Filo wasn’t wearing sunglasses, so he could try to decode the atmosphere of their reunion on his eyes, because, honestly, he doesn’t have a clue of what to expect.

Filippo spots him effortlessly and reaches him in no time. Edoardo gets up from his seat when Filippo extends a hand to him, he shakes it smiling and sits down again. Filo takes off his glasses, looks at Edoardo’s eyes and then sits down in front of him. Not -already known- smirk on his face.

“Sorry I made you wait. Elia tried to talk me out of this at the last minute”. He says casually.

“It’s ok. I haven’t been here for long” Edoardo lies shamelessly. He sat there and waited for the blonde guy to show up for ten long and painful minutes, but there’s no force in Heaven -or Hell- that would make him admit that.

“Did you already order?”

“Uh, no. I was waiting for you”.

“How nice of you” Filo smiles at him for what it feels like the first time. He calls the waiter and asks him -with Edoardo consent- for two cappuccinos. Once the guy leaves him, the older guys turns to faces him again. “Thank you for accepting to meet me. I’m leaving tonight, and I didn’t want to let this opportunity goes by”. Filippo’s very good with eyes contact and one-at-one conversations, Edoardo easily realizes that and it makes his nervousness even more notorious. Or at least he thinks it does. He just nods with a small smile. “You aren’t missing any classes, right?”

“Just one but my teacher doesn’t even notice it. I raised my hand when he said my name and then left. It’s okay” he smiles and Filippo laughs. “The best teachers, if you ask me” Filo jokes and Edo feels a bit more comfortable in his presence.

“Weren’t you staying the whole week?” Edoardo asks, feeling more confidence. Maybe he did read the messages wrong and Filippo only wanted to hang out.

“Yeah but there’s a party I need to cover, so…” he shrugs, not very excited about leaving.

“I’ve seen your photos. You’re really good. I mean, not like I actually know something about photography but even for me, someone who doesn’t know shit, they look very good”. The boy has been stalking Filippo’s Instagram since he followed him. But he hasn’t paid too much attention to the last fifty -or so- photos. He has gone deeper, the photos posted when Filippo wasn’t professionally recognized yet and all his pictures were mostly about Eleonora in multiple scenarios. Edoardo really like those photos.

“Thanks!” Filo grins and reminds silence when the waitress approaches them. Once the coffees are settled down and they’re both alone, Filippo’s smiles fades.

“Look, don’t take it wrong okay?” he starts, moving his hands between them. “But of all the things I’d like to do in my last hours here, having a conversation with you about my work is one of the lasts”.

“O-Ok…” Edoardo feels cold all over his back. What the hell did he do wrong?

“I told myself I wouldn’t interfere because it’s not my place, I know that. But the other night Eleonora was pretty moody and after gossiping around I heard that, casually, she met your new girlfriend or hook up or whatever you were doing that same day. So, I decided I needed to get involved, because, Edoardo, I don’t believe in coincidences.” His words are fast but meaningful and the curly-haired guy doesn’t know how to reply.

“I know what you’re thinking right know” he continues after taking a sip of his coffee and Edoardo doesn’t believe him. It’s impossible for Filippo to know what he’s thinking when he has no clue himself. “I know you may be thinking ‘what the fuck is wrong with this dude’ and I get, all right? I would’ve already left if I were in your position, but Ele… She’s the most important thing to me and I need to take care of her, okay? It has always been like that.” Filo’s voice softened immediately when he named his sister and Edoardo can see how much he loves her, how important they’re for one another. It makes him feel miserable. Since the first time Eleonora talked to him about her brother, he has tried, really tried, to think about a universe where he has had a relationship like that with Andrea, some parallel universe where his brother has died for him but he can’t. His reality is awfully far away from the Sava sibling.

“I know” he murmurs absent.

“You know?” Filippo asks, incredulous.

“Yeah. She told me about your parents”.

“She told you that?” Confusion is the only expression he’s showing and in other circumstances Edoardo would be amused but the bitterness of Andrea’s memory still affects him.

“Yes, she did. Not too long ago, though.” He dares to lock eyes with the older guys, who nods in respond.

“What else did she tell you? Filippo asks. “About her past, I mean” he clarifies nodding, assuring Edoardo that it’s okay to talk to him.

“Uh…” Edoardo’s skeptical, is it okay to talk about her when she’s not around? He thinks it isn’t but the person asking is her brother, the one she’s the closest to. He probably knows every story Eleonora has told him. “She told me about her… ex” he mutters, uncertain.

“What exactly?”

“That he… uh… he wasn’t… nice?” he tries, slowly and he can literally see Filippo’s expression changing into a furious one in a split of a second. “Nice?!” He repeats way too loud. “She told you that piece of shit wasn’t nice to her?” he speaks between his teeth, lowering his voice. Edoardo nods and Filippo rubs his face frustrated, opens his mouth, closes it, closes his eyes, exhales noisily and then look at Edoardo again. “I know boundaries, okay? I know it seems like I don’t but I do. So, I would only tell you one thing: that massive piece of garbage… My sister put a restriction order against him. You don’t do that to someone who isn’t nice” he spits the last word with hatred and if Edoardo wasn’t too shock for the new information he would’ve notice Filippo’s voice trembling when he said ‘my sister’.

“I didn’t know” he says feeling small.

“Of course, you didn’t!” Filippo scoffs and, after calming down, he speaks again. “Eleonora has a boyfriend when she was young. I didn’t get involved back then because I was young and reckless and, well… selfish.” He sounds ashamed and guilty. “That relationship affected her. It affected her heath” Filo notices Edoardo furrowed brows and slows down. “It wasn’t just him. It was our parents, moving out, me being a selfish prick who put too much pression on her, and him. I think he was the breaking point” Edoardo wants to ask what exactly happened to her but Filippo’s immersed in his story, so immersed that if Edoardo asked, he wouldn’t even hear him.

“We moved back to Rome, just us. She met her friends and she moved on, recovered. Then almost two years after that she met who, at the time, I thought was a friend. We shared some classes; he was cool, handsome and older. I wasn’t trying to play matchmaker with my sister but they just… hit it off, I guess.” He makes a disgusted face and inhales, as if it were hard for him to continue. “I was still a selfish prick and decided not to get involved. Even when she was an underage and had way less experiences than him. I never got involved, not when they fought, not when he’d ask me where she was all the time. I didn’t do anything. And I know, I know that if I would’ve said something back then, if I would’ve pay attention to the signs, things would’ve developed differently”. Filippo finally looks at Edoardo and it seems like he has aged five years in only a few minutes. “I’m not repeating my mistakes, Edoardo. I’m getting involve now. I don’t know what this thing between the two of you is but I’m not sitting and waiting for you to hurt her”.

The two boys look at each other in completely different silences. The older one is expectant, waiting for the guy in front of him to defend himself, to tell him he’s worthy of his sister. Meanwhile, Edo’s speechless, finding out so many new things about Eleonora, being compared to her exes and the idea of exposing his own past to Filippo, just for him to understand he’s not like those guys, that he’s worthy of his sister.

“First of all,” Edoardo stars talking, avoiding Filo’s eyes. “I am not like that”. He pauses to let to words settle into Filippo’s mind. “I would never, ever, treat anyone like that. Much less Eleonora. I care about her; I really do and I would never hurt her wittingly.” The guy in front of him doesn’t make a sound, moving the spoon inside the mug, listening carefully. “And I’m not trying to make you feel better” he continues, “but I’ve seen selfish. I know selfishness very well, and you’re not that. You were a teenager trying to balance adolescence with being on your own and it’s not easy. I know it isn’t easy. I’ve been in my own, too. I’ve fucked it up, too. But unlike you and Ele… I don’t have a sibling to lean into. From my perspective, you two had made it better than most of us”.

“Thank you” Filippo whispers and if Edoardo didn’t know who he was, he would never picture Filo as the exuberant one, not with the look he’s giving him right now.

“Eleonora and I are just friends and I don’t think that would change anytime soon. But if it does changes someday, you can trust me here: I would never hurt her or disrespect her. I swear on my life.” There’s no point to hide his feelings for Eleonora to Filippo, no after the conversation they just had. He’s going to deal with the consequences later, he decides, but he doesn’t want to give out the half-truth.

“She can be hard sometimes but if you’re persistent. Well, you may have a chance”. Filippo’s normal attitude is back on and Edoardo wants to laugh, loud.

“Do I have your blessing?” he half jokes.

“You’ve had my blessing since I saw you two interact the other day” Filo shrugs and gives Edoardo a knowing look, who feels his cheek heats. “You need to promise you won’t fuck it up, though. She had had enough already. She deserves calmness, no chaos.”

Edoardo nods, convinced that if someday he has a chance with her, he won’t fuck it up.

 Friday 20:55 – April 3, 2020 – You’ve gone quiet

 Edoardo has dialed her number at least ten times since his meeting with Filippo, but still, he can’t make himself press the button. What exactly does he want to tell her? Isn’t it better if he texts her? Or maybe he could go to see her, it isn’t too late for that, isn’t it?

He decides calling is the best option. Maybe they could hang out tomorrow, and he could tell her what is going on in his mind. Yeah, he’s gonna do that.

He presses the button: one tone, two tones, three, four and five. It goes to the voice mail. Filippo told him he would catch a train around 20:00hs, maybe she’s coming back home from the train station. He tries again, but this time it goes directly to the voice mail, as if she purposely hanged up.

A message from Alice pops up on his screen and Edoardo deletes the notification without even reading the message. He shouldn’t have gotten involve with her. It isn’t fair to anyone. It only adds more complications to his already complicated state.

The curly-haired boy throws his phone next to him in the bed and lays down. Frustration, tiredness, hurt. He isn’t sure of what he is feeling right now but he knows it isn’t good. He will wait until tomorrow; he says himself covering his face with both hands. Tomorrow he will try to see her and maybe, just maybe he will have better luck.

[shinidamachu]

Window - Part II

Summary: so for te first day of @inukag-week I wrote a follow up to Window on InuYasha’s perspective. I did my best to give you backstory so you can read it even if you missed the first part. Also, I dedicate this to the amazing @dyaz-stories. Prompt: opposites.

Word Count: 2089  Genre: angst but like chill  Fandom: InuYasha  Pairing: Inukag  Format: oneshot  AO3 Link: 🌹  Fanfic.Net Link: 🌹

InuYasha struggled to sleep as the war between his pride and the yearn for seeing her took place inside of him. The half demon had seen it happen times enough to know exactly how it would go.

He would end up at her window the same way he had done every single time before.

It had begun — just like everything else about them, it seemed — unpretentiously and unexpectedly that grew into something as natural as the tides: he couldn’t explain how or why, but it existed and there was no restraining it.

All InuYasha knew when he went after her that first night was that Kagome used to spend damn too much time on the other side of the well for his liking and he had developed the frustrating tendency of getting apprehensive whenever she wasn’t around.

An impulsive act was all it took for him to caught himself petrified outside her window, too late then to turn back, too late at night to demand that she went back with him. Although the half demon had no idea of what to do at the time, he knew what he wanted, and it was nothing more than to be with her.

To this day, InuYasha couldn’t tell how he had conjured the courage to ask her to stay, but it was a good thing he did, for she had allowed him to and he had been showing up at her window ever since.

It was a relieving feeling, knowing she was safe and sound under his protection even if her era had proven itself to be relatively safer than his own and the girl had toughen up as time went by. He just couldn’t help it, mostly because the brutal truth was that he missed her. Completely and truthfully missed her.

Maybe she knew it. Maybe that was the reason why she never questioned him about it, but has always left the window wide open afterwards. Maybe she missed him too. The thought alone could still make something deep inside his stomach melt in the most delightful way.

There was something endearing about sharing this secret — and her bed, for that matter — with Kagome. Not that InuYasha had a problem with sleeping on the floor, but the girl made such a big deal out of it that he finally gave in and in spite of his initial embarrassment, he certainly wasn’t going to complain about it.

The whole thing went without saying. She left, he followed. Simple as that. And InuYasha enjoyed simple, he could do simple. But simple never lasts. Of all people, he should be the one with this lesson engraved deep inside his head.

Now “complicated” didn’t even begin to cover it and his frustration increased with every breath he took. In any other day, at this very moment, they would be together and he could actually sleep instead of just closing his eyes and pretending to.

His friends didn’t seem to be striving against the same problem — as their slow, deep breaths made abundantly clear, they had long ago fallen asleep. Good. InuYasha knew pretty well the reason of his insomnia was five hundred years away and he could easily spend the rest of his bad mood without anybody reminding him that, thank you very much.

Their earlier speech about how he should go to Kagome and make things right between them had actually annoyed him into doing the opposite. Of course they would take her side, they always do — which is mildly irritating, to say the least, but the hanyou was used to it by now.

Unwilling to stay at Kaede’s hut any longer, InuYasha decided to go for a walk, hoping to clear his mind somehow. The hanyou got out to the clouded night, not caring slightly for the drizzle that welcomed him. Before realizing it, he was walking the path that would take him to Kagome and sooner than the expected, there he was at her window again, just like he knew he would.

Now the half demon wished he hadn’t come, because for the first time in what seemed to be forever, the window was closed. The rain on her side of the well had been falling for a long while, InuYasha could tell as he let it soak him head to toe, watching the water bath the glassy surface that viewed to her room.

Maybe it’s because of the rain, a little, pathetic voice in his head tried to argue and it almost made him suppress a scornful laugh — the half demon thought he had sealed away that side of him long ago. Hope was a treacherous thing to have.

Still, he tried to open the window, fiding then that it was locked. The ghost of something highly unpleasant formed in his throat and he unsuccessfully tried to swallow it. So Kagome didn’t want him to come. Fine.

From outside he spotted the miko lying on the bed, but the rain prevented him from knowing either she was awake or not. Intending to enter, check on her and leave before she even suspected he went there, InuYasha tried his best to unlock the damn thing without breaking it into pieces, which he was very tempted to do.

“Fuck!” He let out through clenched teeth when it became obvious the gentle approach wasn’t working.

The hanyou was about to give up when the delicate silhouette of the girl slowly walked towards him, stopping only when they were face to face. For an excruciating moment, InuYasha thought that would be all, but as it turned out, Kagome always had a way of surprising him. The sound of a click made itself heard above the incessant rain, her eyes never leaving his while she lifted the structure open.

Silently, the black haired girl turned away. InuYasha sneaked inside, the warmth and familiar smell of the place involving him right away.

“So…” InuYasha began, whilst Kagome headed to the bed. She had been crying and he took no pride on how obvious it was to him after having seen it so many times — and even less pride on being the reason behind her tears. “You lock the window, now?” The half demon regretted the accusing tone as soon as the words came out of his mouth.

InuYasha turned back to close it himself, muffling the rain and the world outside. She sat on the bed, eyes on her lap as he followed.

“I didn’t think you would come.”

“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” It was a good thing they used to keep their voices down when in her room because he would be shouting his exasperation otherwise. Although InuYasha doubted it was necessary this time. He could hear her grandpa’s thunderous snoring and Sota entertained with that strange box of his. Her mother wasn’t home.

“You don’t have to be if you don’t want to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kagome looked him straight in the eyes this time, no space for ambiguities.

“You know what it means.” And as a matter of fact, he did.

“I went to see her and we talked, so what? It ain’t like we get all over each other the way you and that pathetic excuse of wolf do.” Kagome stood up and he involuntarily took a step back.

“That’s totally different.” The very idea she actually believed that was hilarious and outrageous at the same time.

“How, exactly?” But he knew the difference, at least for him. It was different because Kagome didn’t have to smell someone else’s scent on him for hours until it would fade away. It was different because she didn’t have to sit and watch as someone else promised to give him everything she couldn’t.

“I’m not in love with Koga, for starts.” Despite the relief her statement gave him, InuYasha shook his head.

“It’s not like that.” It felt like it didn’t matter how hard InuYasha tried to do the right thing by Kikyo and Kagome, he just kept failing both of them and he knew it.

“Oh, please! You kissed her once. I was there.”

“That was before-” Before I realized how madly in love I am with you. The unsaid words lingered there, an invisible barrier between them that he knew he shouldn’t cross.

“I don’t care when it was! This isn’t about Kikyo and it isn’t about Koga, either. It’s about you lying to me.”

“I only lied because I knew you would make a big deal out of it. You always do.”

“I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it if you didn’t give me reasons to.” She stared at him with defiance, their heavy breaths filling the air before they become too aware of their noses almost touching. Kagome was the first to look away. “I’m tired of having the same fight over and over again and I’m sick of feeling the way I do whenever there’s shinidamachu around. So if you want to go, just go. I won’t ask you to stay.”

“And what if I want to stay?” Kagome blinked slowly, arms crossing and lips slightly trembling.

“Then don’t lie to me again. And stop dripping on my floor.” Convinced they were going to be alright, InuYasha paced to the bathroom as silent as possible, barely able to hide his smile.

Once there, he stripped off the suikan — there wasn’t much he could do for the soaked piece, anyway — and with the aid of a fluffy fabric, started to dry himself.

InuYasha was remarkably familiar with good part of her modern utensils by now, specially the ones that composed her scent. The first aid kit, the strange bottles he still hadn’t figured out what were for, the red little stick that makes her lips smell like strawberry and leaves him dying to steal a taste.

Everything about it, just like in her bedroom, was so impossibly Kagome it was both intoxicating and a constant reminder he was the only thing there that didn’t fit.

When he came back, the lights were off and she was already under the covers. InuYasha closed the door and stood there, uncertain of what to do next. He still owed her an apology.

“Are you dry yet?” She sounded sleepy by the minute, so he opted for skipping the question.

“I’m sorry, Kagome.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, I mean it. I will never lie to you again, I swear.”

Kagome moved the blanket away to reveal what has been implicitly established as his side of the bed, a peace offer that he gladly took. Sometimes, when the moon abandoned him to his own fortune, it was the only way he would allow himself to rest and on the nights he was really lucky, she would call his name on her sleep. Whenever he laid there beside her, it didn’t feel unfitting at all. It felt like belonging.

There was one thing missing, though, and he waited for it.

“Still mad at me, aren’t ya?”

As if she could read his mind, Kagome sighed before curling up with him, head nestling against his chest — right over his heart — and InuYasha hoped one day she discovered every erratic beat was just for her.

“I’m always mad at you.”

“I ain’t fightin’ you on that.”

He felt more than saw her smile — which only caused his own — and as InuYasha relished on the feeling of having her so close, time passed by unnoticed until Kagome spoke again.

“InuYasha?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do we keep making this so much harder than it needs to be?”

InuYasha contemplated the question for a while. Ultimately, he narrowed it down to one logical conclusion.

“It wouldn’t be us otherwise.”

“I guess you’re right.” Was the last thing she said before drifting to sleep.

As much as he wanted to pretend the whole universe came down to those four walls, InuYasha wasn’t naive. He knew she deserved better than anything he could possibly offer her, that they belonged to different worlds, that departure was inevitable. And he knew the day would come when she wouldn’t open the window anymore.

“But until then…” His eyes closed and he let himself sink into her hair, lips brushing against the black strands, her sweet scent inviting him to relax toward the peaceful torpor of slumber and not for the first time when holding Kagome in the darkness of her room, InuYasha wished for the sun to forget to raise.

A/N: @dyaz-stories now I don’t know if this is what you pictured when you said yo wanted to read a follow up from InuYasha’s point of view but if it isn’t I promise to make it up to you sometime. That being said, I really hope you like it. Je t'aime.

Funny thing: Come In With The Rain started playing while I was writing this piece and now I’ve declared it the soundtrack of this little story until Taylor Nation sues me.

[roger1na]

careful ch3 - john deacon x reader

summary: you are a ballet student at the royal ballet academy. To pay for your tuition, you work part-time at the celebrity gossip magazine, Seven. One fateful day you’re sent to interview a band on the rise, Queen, post-concert and befriend the sweetest man on the planet.

word count: 2.3k+

warnings: swearing, cigarettes/smoking

author's note: thank you for being patient! i'm back in my groove after a few desperately stressful weeks and i'm super excited about this chapter and the next few ones!

[ch1] [ch2] [ch3] [ch4] [ch5] [ch6] [ch7] [ch8]

chapter three

Falling in love was so terribly easy, you thought. You wanted to drift into love, be slowly caressed into feeling romantic things. With John, you’d been pushed out of an airplane and the ground was approaching fast but you weren’t scared. You almost wanted to be taken into the embrace of the earth. It’s where humans are meant to be on, isn’t it? Feet planted.

Loud thoughts and bursting emotions stampeded in your brain after dancing. Your face was glistening with sweat and your updo had come loose, stray hairs framing your elegant face. When you danced, all your worries left you. There was just the music and the choreographed steps and the ache in your muscles. Once Tchaikovsky’s last composed note stopped though, real life came tumbling and left you more breathless than dancing ever did.

Particularly the colour of post-it note neon green kept coming up. It was a whole new level of fear that had stricken you when you had noticed it stuck to your desk telephone.

call me sometime!

xxx-xxx-xxx

The note was scrawled in messy handwriting and whoever had written it had had shaky hands for the way the letters peaked oddly. But they had forgotten to sign their name and for a moment you were extremely confused.

”Nat!” You called out to the office secretary, a small but dynamite woman with cat-eye lens and no time for anybody’s bullshit. She looked up and clicked her tongue.

”Yes love?”

”Who’s this from?”

”Oh some bloke.” She went back to her typing, acrylic nails click-clacking on the keys.

”Wow, yeah, can you be more specific?” You rolled your eyes. ”What’d he look like?”

She squinted her huge eyes and looked up to the right corner of her eyes trying to remember. ”Long brown hair. Sort of a big nose, but not in a bad way. Looked like he hadn’t smiled since birth.” Your heartbeat sped up and you held the note close to your chest. ”Why? ’Ave you got a bloke?”

”No! Shut up. Maybe.”

She grinned and set aside her work and leaned on her hands to get a better look at you. She pumped her eyebrows up a few times. ”Tell me more.”

”Sorry, I’ve actually got work to get to thank you,” you turned on your heel, trying not to squeal or scream or show any sort reaction to the little square piece of paper that had saved your morning.

”Ha ha. Run from this discussion for now, Y/N.”

And so you did. You locked yourself in the bathroom before carefully taking out your diary and sticking the note there, then casually as ever you continued your day, not thinking about it. Or pretending not to think about it. It never really left your mind. You imagined what’d it be like to roll those numbers into a phone. To hear his voice slightly muffled, slightly static, on the other end. And then you told yourself not to think about it because there was work and dancing and living to be done.

That’s how you ended up in the dressing room, clutching your diary and thinking of all the sappy things you’d like to say to him and framing the note with little hearts and stars and general squiggles, not really thinking much of it.

“Are you really going to keep writing sloppy romantic shit about him in your diary and never talk to him again?” Rose startled you, peeking over your shoulder.

You slammed the notebook shut, embarrassed that she’d gotten a glance at your innermost thoughts. “Shut up,” you bopped her over the head with the book gently. “It’s not easy. What do I say?”

“Hi, I’m madly in love with you but I’m too proud to admit it?”

”Shut up!” You laughed. ”’M really not.”

”That mushy shit-” she gestured to your diary vaguely throwing her hands around it, ”-that’s madly in love.”

“No, it’s not, it’s barely a crush.” You quipped back and held your diary tightly to your chest.

“A-ha! You admit there’s feelings!” She jumped around victoriously. A scarlet flush was spreading on your cheeks. Rose paused her celebration when she saw your embarrassed face. “What’s wrong? Is this the first time you’ve had feelings since, what, 1969?” She was joking around but your eyes were panicked. Her mouth formed a little ‘o’ when she realised.

“What do I do?” There was a certain urgency to your voice. Rose took pity on you, lacing your hands in hers.

“You goof, it’s going to go just fine.”

“Will it?”

“If you give me a light, I’ll promise you,” she had let go of your hands and was now fumbling in her bag for her trusty pack of Marlboro Reds, same shade as her lipstick. When you had tossed her your lighter and she was inhaling nicotine, you started making your way out of the studio.

“Listen, call him. You’re a total dork, he sounds like a total dork, it’s a match made in heaven.”

“I don’t call people, except for you.”

“That’s because you have no social life,” Rose laughed. She was such a breeze, floating along in life, dabbling in this and that. Part of you wished you were like her, the other part was glad to be a small, pocket-sized persona that could easily fit in anywhere quietly, no fuss, no show. “I get it, huge deal, he’s a fucking rock star, but I mean, how bad can it get?”

“I suppose,” you trailed off. The two of you had reached the stairs that lead to the underground, where Rose took the tube back home.

“Be brave for me, okay?” She kissed your cheek. “Ta!”

“I hate you, for being so right,” you called out after her. She glanced back at you over her shoulder and winked.

“Love you too, sweetheart!” Then the tunnel swallowed her and you were left alone with your mess of thoughts.

You took deep breaths to calm yourself as you caught one of the famous bright red double deckers of London. Right, it’s just a phone call, you told yourself as you got off on your stop.

Memories of him standing at the steps to your apartment complex’s front door made your heart beat faster. What wouldn’t you give to see that again? How he perfectly fit into the scenery, though he was impossibly tall and almost funny-looking with his long hair and crooked smile.

Your door creaked as you pushed it open and took in your apartment. The dumpy old couch your brother had given you. The dusty old curtains your mother had sewn up. The bright red rotary phone on a stand next to the couch that you had saved up for, for months. You liked the way it reminded you to keep striving and soon you’d have an interior design to match it, not just sad hand-me downs.

You took your sweet time getting ready. You brewed a cup of tea in a banged up kettle whilst whistling a tune. You set in a vinyl and danced to the music whilst waiting for your cuppa to be done.

When you had a cup of Earl Grey’s steaming in your hands you took the needle off the vinyl and silence settled into your house. You sat down on the couch, cringing at the noise it made in the desolation of a poor neighbourhood at night, in London.

Slowly, but certainly, you rotated the number into the phone and picked it up and put it to your ear, anxiety twisting your insides.

The line was ringing. You bit your lip nervously and played with the telephone cord.

First ring.

What if Natalie was just messing with you? Were they all in on a collective prank and she’d described your lunch date to get a rise?

Second ring.

What if he intended it for another Y/N? And Nat had handed the post-it note to the wrong person? There was one other one, in another department, another building but still.

Third ring. The line clicked. “Hello?” His East-England accent sounded marvelous through the phone.

“Hi,” you choked out, voice gone out of nervousness. You cleared your throat before repeating. “Sorry, hi.”

“Hey,” he laughed nervously on the other end. “Sorry, who is this?”

“Oh right! It’s Y/N.”

“Y/N! I’m so glad you called!” His voice deepened just slightly as he realised he didn’t have to be on guard.

“And I have half the mind to ask you the same thing. You didn’t sign your note!” You scolded him playfully.

“Shit, I’m sorry! How’d you know then, to call me?”

“Took a chance. And asked our receptionist.”

“Clever girl,” he joked. Your smile was wide and though your heart was palpitating, you were beginning to calm down.

“I was actually really nervous to call you.” You started.

“But I’m the least intimidating person you could talk to.”

“Yeah but, you’re you. What’s a twenty-something rockstar doing talking to me?”

“You make me sound old. I’m twenty-two, twenty-three in a few weeks.”

You almost spat out your tea. You could’ve sworn he was older. In the end he was only two years older than you. “What?”

“Oh, come on, am I some grandpa to you?” He complained sourly.

You started giggling uncontrollably and you heard him sigh on the other end. Sometimes, you can hear it when people smile. You swore you could hear the right corner of his mouth twitch up and his eyes wrinkle as he listened to you laugh.

“Alright, alright, calm down.”

You sighed and suppressed a smile that was trying to spread on your face. If the nosy neighbours were to glance through their window they’d think you were mad. “So, actually, how are you?” You started.

“The same. Cheered up when you called.” There was clanging in the background and somebody laughed and another voice complained.

“Where are you? Do you have roommates?” You felt your cheeks burning.

“God no, I’m at the studio. We’re working on our next album.”

“You gave me the number to your studio and not your house?”

“They’re the same. I bought the telephone, only natural that it’s my number.”

“Right,” you laughed and rolled your eyes.

“John, who’re you talking to?” A high-pitched, scratchy voice interrupted. “Is she pretty?”

You heard the scuffle of somebody covering the receiver with their palm before you heard John’s faint voice. “How d’you know it’s a girl?”

“You’re grinning like an idiot. Is it that dancer? What’s her name?” Somebody tried sounding out different names very similar to yours whilst another person kept disagreeing and suggesting your actual name.

“She’s the one who interviewed us, remember? Y/N Y/L/N.” The more reasonable voice finished.

“John?” You whispered into the receiver.

“Right, sorry about that.” His voice returned sheepishly.

“No worries but, it’s like, what, 9pm?”

“Nine forty-six.”

“Right, it’s late, why are you still working?”

“They’re arguing over something. I want to make sure they agree on something good in the end.”

You shook your head. “You need your rest. Have you eaten today?”

“You don’t need to worry, Y/N.” There was a triumphant ha in the background when he said your name.

“But I want to. You worried for me too.”

“I suppose,” he paused and you could hear him tapping on his bass, which you assumed was sitting in his lap. It made a hollow, plastic sound. “But I’m fine. Thank you. I hope you’re fine too.”

“I am, thanks. We’re rehearsing Swan Lake.”

“I have no idea what that is, if I’m being honest,” he chuckled. “But I want to see you dance. When do I get to see you dance?”

You smiled softly, blood rushing to your cheeks. “Soon, I hope.”

There was a yell in the background as somebody rushed to John who tried to keep the phone out of their reach. “Fred, fuck off, no you’re not-”

There was a small, whispered row, before John was back on the other end. He sounded slightly grumpy and a bit breathless, as if he’d just been in a fight. “Do you want to teach us dancing?”

“What?”

“Freddie is dying to learn about ballet and he’s hellbent on you teaching us.”

You giggled and you heard John scoff slightly on the other end. He was an adorably witty and grumpy man. He had a way of always seeming like the world was out to get him, but that he was absolutely too determined to get his shit done to let it bother him.

“Sorry yeah, it’s a stupid idea,” he mumbled.

“No, no! I’d love to,” you replied fondly. “When’s the best time? I’m free every saturday. Usually.”

“Brilliant, darling,” you heard Freddie’s yell into the receiver and the sound of John smacking the back of his head. “Next saturday alright with you?”

“Mhm,” you nodded.

“Right then Freddie, back to singing,” John shooed him off. More cursing filled the background. ”You're really okay with this? We’re all a bunch of dunces. And we’ve got eight left feet.”

You laughed. ”You’re a dork, John Deacon. Of course I’ll come. And I’ll have fun too.”

”Brilliant.”

“What do your new songs sound like?”

“So far, pretty good. We’re about half-way through, we’ll push the album through for the winter.”

“Will I get a signed copy?”

“We’ll see,” he teased.

“You are a piece of work, John,” you rolled your eyes before listening to him chuckle on the other end. His laugh was slightly bark-y, but not in an uncomfortable way. It sounded full of joy, with a mischievous edge to it.

”I’m going to start heading off to bed,” you whispered, after a moment of silence.

”Alright, sleep well.”

”I hope you come to a good agreement.”

”We won’t, but thank you.”

”Goodnight, John.”

”Goodnight, Y/N.”

You put the phone back before screaming into your pillow. What had you gone and done? You lifted your face to stare at the clock hung on the wall, hearing it’s ticking go too slow as you heartbeat accelerated.

“Rose is going to freak out,” you muttered.

***

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[fluffy-marshmallow-heart]

Secret Studies ch.13 -Separately Together

The Elementalist au

Beckett x MC (Oriana)

Words: 2421

It's been a couple days since Beckett and Oriana have spoken, and each are feeling insecure about their relationship.

Master List (catch up here)

Beckett made his way through the quad to the library. Classes were starting in two days and he was having a hard time studying in his room. Everywhere he looked, he saw Oriana. Her scent was still on his pillow. The window she liked to sit by and read. He’d healed her there, made love to her there, talked about their future there. Without her he didn’t want to be in the room. It seemed cold and dark without her warmth and light. It had been days since he’d talked to her. He’d seen her a couple times, out with Shreya, Zeph, and Griffin. He hated not being included. But he knew this was for the best. If she really loves him, she’ll be back.

He heard a fit of laughter coming from the dorms. Looking over there, he paused, before hurriedly hiding behind the nearest tree. Her laughter rang like a bell, her features were smiling, and it was Griffin making her that way. Anger bubbled up inside Beckett’s chest. He certainly didn’t take long to swoop in. That asshole. We’re not even broken up officially. Is she completely oblivious or does she actually want him?

His fists clenched, and his breathing was becoming ragged. Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped, whirling around.

“Zeph! You scared me!”

“What uh��what are doing there, Beckster? Driving yourself crazy?” He asked

“Wha..I…I was just going to the library and then…” Beckett trailed off, gesturing towards where Oriana and Griffin were.

Zeph peered around him and shrugged. “I wouldn’t worry about that.”

“What do you mean, don’t worry about it? He’s trying to make a move on her!” Beckett fumed

Zephyr rolled his eyes. “And he won’t be successful. But whether you like it or not, she considers him a friend, and a good one, and you need to deal with that.”

Beckett narrowed his eyes. “He’s up to something.”

To his surprise, Zeph nodded his head. “I actually agree with you, Beckett. He’s definitely acting strange. Sneaking off, taking hushed phone calls…and…” Zeph trailed off

“And what.” Beckett demanded

Zeph shifted uncomfortably. “Well. See. The thing is…you’ve been suspicious of him for a while. Oriana’s mentioned it. In confidence, so you’re not hearing anything from me.”

Beckett pinched the brow of his nose. “Just say it.”

“I may have been keeping an eye on him, and what I’ve discovered is quite interesting. He seems to know when you aren’t with her. I’ve seen him trail her.”

Beckett froze. “He…follows her?”

Zeph nodded. “He doesn’t actually approach her most of the time, which is even weirder.”

Beckett thought a moment. “I don’t really know what she does when we’re not together. Unless I happen to see her. But Zeph…I don’t understand, why did you decide to follow him? He’s your friend.”

Zeph chuckled. “So are you. And if you were acting shady I would be doing the same thing. It’s not personal. I’m just looking out for my girl there.”

Beckett blinked. “We’re…friends…?”

Zephyr raised an eyebrow. “You’re really asking that? My feelings are hurt!” He clutched his chest dramatically, pretending to sway.

Beckett just gaped at him, stunned. “I…I just didn’t…I mean, Zeph that’s unexpected. I just assumed if Oriana and I broke up none of you would talk to me again.”

Zephyr furrowed his eyebrows. “Why?”

“I know I’m not the easiest to get along with.”

“While that’s definitely true…well, actually, that’s just definitely true.” Zeph laughed. “But dude. If I didn’t like you why would I stick up for you when Oriana was going off? I could’ve let her tear you apart and had you gone.”

Beckett noticed a look of shock cross over Zephyr’s face as he looked at something in the distance. Beckett turned to see what he was looking at…and felt like the wind was knocked out of him. His fists clenched again. “What. The. Hell.”

He started forward, but Zeph reached out and held his arm in front of him, blocking his path. “Wait. You’re about to get your answer on if she still loves you.”

Oriana had been on her way to the library when she ran into Griffin, who greeted her with a warm smile.

“Hey, Oriana, where you off to?”

“Just the library.” She responded

His face fell. “Oh…studying with Beckett?”

“Griffin, I’m sorry, but I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Hey, I know you’re going through a rough patch. Maybe it’s for the best to keep your distance from him.”

Oriana frowned. “Why? Why would that be for the best?”

“You know why.” He responded sharply. “It’s been nice seeing you the past couple days without him lurking. Refreshing.”

Oriana let out a huge sigh. “I miss him. I really, really miss him, Griffin. I miss everything about him, and I feel physically hurt not being with him.”

She watched as Griffin’s eyes softened. “Do you really mean that?”

She nodded. “I do. It hurts, and I really thought he would have reached out by now.”

Griffin rubbed the back of his neck. “Maybe he realizes you were right to be mad and it’s better you’re apart.”

“You…you think he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?” Oriana questioned.

“I don’t know, Oriana. I think if it were me I would be checking on you every day we’re apart, even if we’re taking a step back. Just to make sure you’re alive at the very least. A simple hello goes a long way.”

“Yeah…I guess.” She told him, doubtfully

“You want to grab something to eat later?” He asked

She shook her head. “No, sorry, I’m having dinner with Shreya. Ordering Chinese, sitting in our dorm in pajamas…it’s going to be great.”

“Oh, yeah? Going to watch some crazy insanely romantic movie where there’s a tragedy at the end? Or maybe a happy ending? Or will it be more of a Lifetime movie, where the men are terrible, and women kick their asses in self-defense?” He teased

“Oh my god!” She lightly smacked his arm, bursting out laughing. “You are terrible! I don’t even know yet. But if we want to watch one of those then we will.” She laughed again. “You are too much, sometimes.”

“But in a good way, right?” His voice dropped lower, and Oriana’s laughter faded as he stepped into her space.

“Griffin, what are you-“

He cuts her off with his lips, wrapping his arms around her and pressing her into him. For a second Oriana was in shock. But only a second before she completely registered what was happening. She shoved him away from her and slapped him across the face.

“What the hell was that?” She shouted furiously

She saw Griffin bring a hand up to his cheek, looking at her in surprise. “I…I just thought if I showed you that I care for you, it’ll make you realize you can have so much more with me. He’ll never make you happy. His mother will destroy you. She already wants to. Be with me, Oriana. I’ll protect you from that whole family. They are not good people and I can’t see you hurt because of them.”

“You don’t want to see me hurt by them? So, you decide to hurt me first??” She cried

“What? No! Why would I do that? Oriana, I just said I’ll do everything to stop…”

“ENOUGH!!” She poked her finger into his chest. “You have hated Beckett from the start. You’ve hated me with him for a reason I can’t figure out. So as soon as he takes a step back to allow me space to clear my head, you step forward and kiss me?? What is the matter with you? In what world is that okay??” She spun on her heel and started leaving.

“Ori!” He called from behind her. She whirled around again.

“Do NOT call me Ori. YOU cannot call me that.” She took off back to her dorm, leaving Griffin behind her.

She couldn’t believe he’d just done that. She ran to the suite she shared with Shreya and filled her in on everything that happened.

“Damn. I can’t believe Griffin actually had the balls to do that.” Shreya mused.

“Are you…Shreya! What he did is so wrong! I have no interest in him! And he just. Forced me to kiss him. What if Beckett had seen that? What if he had seen it and jumped to conclusions and never wanted to see me again? I wouldn’t be able to handle it!!”

Shreya smirked. “is that so?”

“What is so amusing to you? Griffin could have single handedly ruined my relationship!” Oriana fumed. “He started going on and on about how Beckett doesn’t appreciate me, that if he still wanted to be with me then he would have checked in with me to make sure I’m alive and okay because he’d be worried. And if Griffin were him, that’s exactly what he would do. God, he made him out to sound like the world’s shittiest boyfriend and…I mean…is he right? To be honest, I thought Beckett actually would check in by now…but on the other hand, I think he’s letting me come to him when I’m ready.”

“And are you ready?” Shreya asked. “Cuz I gotta be honest…I’m tired of you moping around.  I miss happy, madly in love Oriana.”

“I do miss him so incredibly much.” Oriana started. “But…Griffin succeeded in putting doubt in my mind. What if I’m too late. What if he doesn’t want to be with me, anymore?”

“You’re worried that because he hasn’t contacted you, he doesn’t want you?”

“Well…yeah. I guess. Is that stupid? I’m the one who asked for space to begin with, I’m the one who hurt him with my words. And yet I haven’t reached out to him either. What does that say about me?”

“It says you’re doing exactly what you said you were going to do. No more, no less. And by him not contacting you, that means he respects you and trusts you enough to wait. Though maybe not as patiently as you think.”

Oriana looked at her roommate curiously.

Shreya pulled her phone from her pocket. “I didn’t show you this. And if anyone asks, I accidentally left my phone out on the messages, okay?”

She then handed her roommate her phone. Oriana took it and her jaw dropped when she looked at the screen.

“He has text me at night, making sure you are home safe.” Shreya told her. “And that’s all he’s done. No more, no less.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Oriana gasped

“If you look at message #1, you can see where he specifically tells me not to tell you that he’s worried and missing you like crazy.”

“I don’t see him saying that he misses me like crazy.”

“Well, trust me, that’s what he is.” Shreya told her confidently. “So, if you think that he hasn’t cared about how you’re doing, you are sorely mistaken.”

Oriana looked at her with determination. “I need to make this right. I need him in my life. I love him more than anything. What can I do, Shreya? Help me.”

A slow smile spread on Shreya’s face. “I have a few ideas.”

Later that night, Beckett sat at his desk attempting to read a textbook that Professor Kronos had recommended. He wasn’t having much success, however. His mind kept flashing to that kiss Oriana shared with Griffin. He was so furious. He watched as Griffin pulled her to him, kissed her…and then watched Oriana proceed to slap him and storm away, shouting. He was so proud she did that. It gave him hope. He’d wanted to go over there and punch Griffin right in the jaw, and if Zephyr hadn’t been there, he definitely would have. All the same…it hurt to watch someone make a move on her. The thought of her being with anyone but him made him feel physically ill. If she wanted to break up, Beckett seriously didn’t know what he would do. He needs her like he needs oxygen. He would probably have to transfer schools, and that would open a whole new set of issues with his mother. Penderghast was by far the best, and his mother settles for nothing but the best.

But also, for the first time in his life, Beckett had real friends. He’d been floored when Zeph told him that. He’d been so positive that no one would want to be around him if she wasn’t there, and surprisingly, he was wrong. Oriana was definitely the best thing that had ever happened to him, for more than one reason.

He heard a knock on the door. He sighed, pushing the book away from him on the desk. It was late, who could possibly be at his door? The knock came again, louder this time, so he got up and huffed to the door, flinging it open to tell whoever it was to back off.

“Oriana?” He gasped. “What are you doing here? I thought…”

She leveled him with her gaze and he backed up slowly as she entered the room, then leaned against his door, shutting it. With her back still pressed against the door, she slowly turned his lock.

“Were you studying?” She asked, her voice low.

“Attempting to.” He responded. His eyes roamed her form. “Can I take your jacket?” He asked

She shook her head and his heart sank. “Oh…so…you’re not planning on staying long.” He whispered.

“What are you studying?” She asked, walking over to his desk and avoiding his comment.

“Just a book that was recommended to me. Should help with this coming semester.”

She was at his desk, scanning over his papers, before moving them aside and hopping onto it to sit. She motioned for him to sit back down in his chair, and he complied, worried.

“Perhaps you just need the right motivation.” She murmured. She slowly crossed her legs, leaning back a little, letting her jacket slowly slide from her shoulders.

Beckett’s pulse started to race as he raked his eyes up and down her now bare skin. He swallowed hard, meeting her gaze and seeing his own lust reflected back towards him.

“What are you doing?” He whispered hoarsely.

She shrugged innocently. “What does it look like I’m doing?” She slid her ass closer to him, uncrossing her legs and his breath hitched.

A slow smirk appeared on her face. “I’m here to see you.”

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[adarlingfamily]

THIS    S I L E N C E    ENDS NOW.

What has been done unto me, will be silenced no more.

I need to get this off my chest.

It has taken me years to get to a place where I feel safe enough to write these words. These are by the far the hardest that I've ever had to write, but now that I have children of my own their innocence gives me the strength to speak up and share what has happened to me. I hope my story can help others speak up who have been too afraid or ashamed to share in the past. No longer will I sit in silence letting these memories eat me up inside. If I can protect just one person from the abuse I suffered, then all of the pain will be worth it.

Let me start off by saying I'm not here to call out people and name the people who abused me. Karma takes care of that for me. I have spent enough time thinking about hurting those who hurt me. But what does that prove? That I am no better than they are!

Hurting someone needlessly is an act of weakness, not strength. No, I am here to heal, to share, and to support others who may feel like they are dealing with their own sexual abuses all alone.

You are not alone! You are so much stronger than you can even imagine! You are capable of healing! You are loved! You deserve to be loved in a caring and respectful way!

Growing up I had a wonderful early childhood. My family didn't have very much money and we moved around a lot but as a child it didn't matter that much to me. Playing outside, riding bikes, and soaking up the sunshine with my sister was what was important to me.

At a young age I became fascinated with ballet, theatre, and performing arts. Determined that I would become the next prima ballerina I begged my mom to enroll me in a dance school. Despite it being a stretch financially they could see my passion for dance. I loved ballet. It made my soul sing. I loved the colorful tutu's, the beautiful costumes, and the grace of the older dancers twirling around on pointe. It all seemed like magic to me. I just wanted to be part of that world so badly.

That is, until I turned 8 years old. I went from a Montessori school to a public school for the first time. That change might not have been so dramatic if my classmates had been different, who knows?  In public school I stuck out like a sore thumb. I remember getting in trouble the first day of school for getting up to go to the bathroom during class. It didn't make sense to me that you had to ask to use the bathroom. I had always been trusted to take care of my own body. I thought to myself, “Where else would I be going?” Unfortunately that first day of school would not be the end of my bathroom torment.

Puberty was hitting us gals hard. Looking back on it all I wish I could just tell myself, "Who cares what she thinks!”  “You are beautiful just the way you are!" She was being mean to me because she was jealous. But I considered her more beautiful than I was. She was so exotic and tan compared to my white flesh. She was different, like I was but somehow I thought her kind of different was so much better than mine. I felt all alone, even though she was my "best friend" at school. As my chest blossomed so did her jealously. She started to bully and verbally rip apart another A-Cup girl like myself. I felt her turning on me. I didn't want her to bully me too so I went into hiding. Okay not literally. I hid my body and started wearing baggy shirts and sweatpants all the time. Hoping and praying she wouldn't notice my growing chest I clung on terrorized by this beautiful nightmare.

Meanwhile what feels like every time I needed to go pee at school I am cornered, bullied, and verbally harassed in my bathroom stall. These two girls had it out for me. I was painfully shy already so even the thought of someone peeping in between the cracks of the stall was mortifying enough, but oh no, these two took it to the next level. Standing on each toilet of the opposite stalls these bullies surrounded me with their peering eyes and creepy comments like "nice ass" which was a lot for a kid straight out of a completely different world. My bubble had been shattered. Day after day I dreaded having to go to the bathroom. Trying to seek refuge I would pick the last stall so at least I would have one side of privacy while I looked up terrified that any minute their eyes would POP up! Waiting, staring, taunting and terrifying me. I stopped going to the bathroom at school. The walks back from school became long enough to feel like torture as I continued to hold it.

Don't forget. I'm still doing ballet and since puberty has hit I have put on a little bit of weight. I am really serious about ballet, still following my dream of becoming a prima ballerina! After years of performing Nutcracker, Peter Pan, and other various seasonal shows I was picked to do my own solo performance. My dance teacher whom I loved and admired like a mother, danced with me. Her belief in me kept me going. Our "Mother, Daughter" dance moved the crowd to tears. I remember feeling so alive in that moment like "I was born for this!" Soon I was paying for such an electric performance.

Yet another "friend", a girl I met in ballet class had started to bully me about my recent weight gain calling me a "fatty" and a "lard ass" talking about how my butt jiggled when I walked during our ballet class. I was already embarrassed enough having to squeeze into my snug leotard and tights in the changing room. At that point things escalated to a whole other level leaving me contemplating suicide. This friend of mine was 'fancy', they lived on the lake in this big house with a boat and bbq's, an entire room just filled with awesome toys, and plenty of summer fun. Or so I thought at first.

This one is a tough memory to write about because it hits so damn close to home. Everything is so connected, now as I piece these repressed memories together 19 years later.

Our moms were friends and they loved chatting so we would go over to their house often. Seemed like at least once a week. During that time the older neighbor boy took a liking to us girls and after going swimming we were upstairs in her mom's bathroom getting ready to wash up. The neighbor boy burst in the door right as we had taken off our stinky lake suits and were hopping into a huge bathtub filled with fun bubbles.  Snapping pics in between our screams of protest "get out creep!" Finally after about a dozen or so nude photographs are captured he leaves. 

But no hold on, it gets worse. Sleepover nights with that friend become a barrage of unwanted late night games of "playing doctor". I couldn't take it anymore. My own "best friend" bullied and molested me (all of this on top of being sexually harassed and bullied at my new school!)  I quit ballet. Made up some lame ass excuse and quit. Threw it all away, years of practice and training. I needed to escape at least one bully in my life. I didn't feel like I had any choice. Finally after what feels like a century, the year of terror ends and I beg my mom to put me back in Montessori. Thankfully back at my old Montessori school I have a moment of calm from dealing with a bunch of sexual abuse at school. Sadly, because of what had happened to me I have a really hard time making new friends. I just couldn't trust anyone. I didn't want anyone close to me. I graduated from sixth grade feeling lonelier than ever, dreading what I knew was about to come. 

Seventh grade. A new school...a public school. My worst nightmare was coming true again and this time their was no where to hide. No more Montessori. (With only a few Montessori schools back then, they only went to 6th grade)

Time to face my demons again. Deep breath. 

A moment of calm and for a minute there I'm invisible. Everyone has already made friends with each other in 6th grade and no one wants to hang out with me. Which is okay for a little bit but it gets kinda lonely after a while. I finally make a friend and we are best buds! Going to the mall, watching movies together, laughing, giggling, and having a great time together.  

Without this friend I wouldn't have known how to let happiness and love into my heart again. I know we haven't talked in a while but I want to thank you. Your friendship and kindness in my time of darkness saved me. But even during times of light, darkness still found me... this time during the bus ride home. 

Deep down, I was still depressed and I wanted to be away from everyone and honestly just be left alone. This guy in my grade started getting really pushy and weird about sitting next to me. He insisted on sitting by the window and as I stand up to protest he pushes me down and rubs his crotch in my face, he sits down, looks out the window, then looks back at me with a look that would have turned water into ice. At this point everyone's getting in the bus, it's loud and chaotic...EVERY DAY he would seize his perfect moment to strike. I rode in fear. I was so painfully shy and honestly terrified of what this boy (a major bully) would do to me if he found out I reported him to anyone. Coming from Montessori school we didn't have much of these kinds of issues so I did not know how to respond. Instead I let my silence wash over me while I suffered the daily grind. 

Eighth grade. At this point I'm so scared and confused about what love is. Despite moving all around town I've been madly in live with a childhood friend and finally I get the chance to go to the same school. Sadly because of all that has happened, I have all of this rage pent up inside of me. One day during a silly game of kickball I explode like a volcano, in a fit of rage I unleash all sorts of swear words and my friend floats away from me forever. After that day I've come to realize the true stinging power of the silent treatment. As far as he was concerned I was invisible and as he looked through me, not at me! I lost hold of one of the rare feelings of love in my childhood. He was one of the only constant joys in my life. If we were hanging out everything was groovy. Running around in the rain, playing tag amongst the plants in the garden, dripping paint all over my head as we paint your little play house. I can still feel the tears running down my cheeks after getting off the phone for the last time. You didn't want to be friends anymore. You were my rock, someone who knew me before all of this abuse happened. I had never felt more alone.

My depression worsens and I can't imagine what is about to happen in high school. Images on the TV tell me that all the girls wear high heels and looks much older than they are. I have my first day of school outfit picked out months in advance. A grey off the shoulder long sleeve shirt, skinny jeans, and a pair a red semi high heels. I felt so grown up, so mature, and yes finally so exotic and beautiful. I soon discover that actually pretty much no one wears high heels to school unless you are going to a dance.  Oh so awkward. Thankfully my mom has literally forced me to do a sport and although I'm not into sports I really love to swim. (Thank you Mom!) Having the supportive comments from the older teammates really helped me overcome my paralyzing first day of school fear.   

Picture this, its freshman year. The first day of school and I'm late to class after lunch because, well I'm not really sure where my class is.  I don't have time to change as I burst through the door to my weight training class. It's warm up time and everyone's doing push ups. Without a word, high heels and all I join in, digging deep, cuz even though I'm a girl I want them to know  I belong here. 

What coach says next warns my heart to this day "Oh come on boys, this girl just showed up and she can do push ups better than half of yah AND SHE’S WEARING HIGH HEELS!"   Even though I felt silly wearing those stupid shoes all day, it was all worth it for that one moment. 

I am a strong women and that day I discovered my hidden power. 

Through the greatest times of darkness my light still finds a way to shine.  I'm focused on school and swimming and soon it's my sophomore year. Thanks to my moms initial push, I've realized how much I love swimming and being focused on that helps immensely with my depression. My swim coach rocks and is a serious influence on me finding my inner and outer strength.  

I will soon need every ounce of that very thing. Evil takes on many different forms along this journey. He's my first "real official highschool boyfriend" and I'm really excited. At the time all the girls in my close circle were obsessed with him and I felt honored that out of everyone he chose me. Soon I would regret that very thought. Quickly things started to unravel, sexually he was all pent up, his mom went on every date with us, she was always there. I'm still a virgin at this point but the sharks are circling in the water, and boy oh boy do they smell blood. Now I need to take a moment. 

I've been scared shitless to share this next part of my story for years. Silently suffering and distancing myself from my quite large family. I'm not afraid of what everyone will think. I regret not protecting my other family members. What happened to me was not okay and has taken me so long to stop blaming myself for what happened, finally to get it out and more forward in my healing work. 

The Internet played its part in helping along this next development as I sped closer to my sweet sixteen. I had started chatting with an older family member on aim and soon things got sexual. I was seduced by the draw of being something that I wasn't through the Internet, I pretended like I was actually "cool" enough to have been to a couple party's (soo not true!) and things escalated from there. It seemed innocent at the time, he wasn't really touching me so I felt safe sitting at home and yeah eventually turned on. No one had ever talked to me like that and even though I wasn't attracted to my family member it felt nice to capture someone's attention. I just wanted to be loved. My family was falling apart, and as my parents turned on each other I tried to deal with that, all the while adding another huge load of baggage of my own. This family member was staying with my grandparents and my sister and I consistently  spent the night during the weekends. He would often say "it's okay, we're not actually related" but even so I was not ready for what was about to come. First was the aim conversations, then he'd pin me down or pull me into him on the couch for a kiss. At first that was all it was, a tease. Lots of talk, some kissing and then the finale. He had been talking a lot about how he couldn't take away my virginity. I knew he wanted me badly but would not do anything until I wasn't a virgin. One night after staying out late at a party he came home, took a shower and then came into my room. More kissing.  "Take off your panties" he demands Not happening. I just started my period and my panty liner is my only protection as he pulls me on top of him. He's kissing me and then putting something in my hand, suddenly with disgust I realize why it's growing. I had never even touched a penis before and was instantly revolted. His hands are everywhere and as his fingers find my panty liner and starts stroking, I shut down. All of my blood runs cold, thankfully my flight response kicks in and I am able to scramble away. (Thank you for not chasing me down. I think you knew what you were doing was wrong but couldn’t help yourself because of what trauma was going on in your life. Know this, I forgive you) Now don't forget I have a super sexual boyfriend constantly being repressed by his mother presence around us. It's summertime. He has his parents house to himself and he wants me to come over. My parents are away at a concert but thanks to aim I am able to get ahold of my family member (actively molesting me) to drive me over to my boyfriends house. I tell my sister I'm going for a walk and I get dropped off. I can still remember exactly what I was wearing. A t-shirt, jeans, and sandals, nothing scandalous. He leads me through the dark house from the back door to his bedroom.  This is not what I pictured for such a sacred event.  My boyfriend tells me to "take off my pants and get on top". It hurts!  I say stop, instead he goes harder and a knife from his headboard falls on his head. 

No romance, no candles, no passion or pleasure. In less then 15 minutes I'm calling my family member to come pick me up again. During the ride home my family member taunts me about how quick that was, and tells me how he could satisfy me, obviously unlike my boyfriend. My sisters mad at me when I get home, my walk was too long. I take a shower because I've been told to do so by my boyfriend. I don't realize the gravity of the situation right away. None of my close friends had lost their virginity, so I thought it happened like that for everyone. I had said yes initially to what my boyfriend was doing, my consent ended when he started to hurt me and did not stop. It isn't until senior year that I realize I had been raped. 

Junior year I fall in love with someone who is not mine and I suffer the consequences. It's been years and I finally feel that warm fuzzy kind of love and am willing to see past all sorts of flaws in a person and situation that was not good for me. Yet again I can't go to the bathroom alone anymore because some older girls are "protecting" their friend. They've started pushing me around in the bathrooms, in the hallways, going to and from the parking lot and anywhere else they could at school. My body is constantly covered in bruises. It gets worse as things at home are in shambles. He quickly cheats on me and I spend all summer laying in bed dead to the world. I don't want to move, I'm crushed and I can't take it anymore. I'm numb. A zombie shell of a girl I used to be. 

Where is the love? I focus on getting out of this "small ass town" I enjoy my senior year. I've reinvented myself. I fail math class the first half of the year and because of extra credits, I get to have 3 art classes. My art teacher rocks and boosts my confidence even more. I relax. I find an older guy (not from high school) that I'm really into. He protects me and shows great concern when this family member (who I've finally shared with someone has abused me) wants to hang out my more and more with other younger family members.

I start healing. I go to off college. 

I face my demons. I try to drown them. 

Not able to cope with my madness, I leave my boyfriend behind. I get used to the idea of being alone. And then my high school crush asks me out on a date. From those first nervous moments we blend together. Talking for hours, music's playing but I'm not really listening, our accents come out. I feel so comfortable. I welcome him into my home and slowly into my heart. We date and move in together. I graduate college. He ask for my hand in marriage, I say yes and we are engaged. We have kids together. I start to pursue another life long dream of being a Montessori teacher. It's been years since I've had to deal with any sort of serious sexual harassment but then suddenly it's all happening again. I very strongly believe that if you have been sexually abused you become venerable to this kind of trauma and it is easy to suffer the same abuses over and over again.  It isn't easy work because during this time we must go to the root of our suffering in order to start to healing and realign with our true selves. 

I am doing my thing. I love being a teacher. In only a year I've been promoted from assistant to lead teacher. I've found my passion again through Infant Montessori but soon my perfect world is shattered. I'd known my boss since I was little but it wasn't her that was the problem. It was her husband. He starts showing up to my classroom every day. Trapping me and talking with me while I'm trying to do my job taking care of 13 kiddos under the age of 3. These constant distractions became a everyday struggle. Then the comments start. I'm wearing my favorite maternity dress.   Bending over a small sensory table I am starting my day in the classroom, helping the children explore our latest sensory experience. Parents are dropping off their kids and helping them remove and put away their boots and coats. My assistant teacher is an arms length away, reading stories to a couple other students in the reading corner He opens the door to the classroom.  Wide eyed I stand straight up, knowing he would enjoy the view all too much. His hungry eyes ready to eat me up finally drift upwards.  "Oh, don't get up on account of me!" 

He proceeds to stay during the entire class period and peer at my chest some more as he towers over me while I attempt to help my little friends. Trapped in my classroom I have no where to hide. So many thoughts are running through my head. “What the hell! I'm an adult now, this should not be happening at my work of all places!” I'm sick of being treated like this, he stares longingly at my cleavage and I catch his eyes with mine and look into his very soul with a hatred that comes from years of abuse. I have everything set up to get a scholarship for my Montessori Certification. That Monday morning I'm struck with cramps so badly I nearly fall to the floor when they wash over me. 

I couldn't take it anymore! Every day I had suffered but now I was pregnant with a daughter. I had to protect her. I had to get away from him. He wasn't going to stop.  He had done this before. It was only going to get worse. I had to leave. 

Once again I gave up on my dream, but this time it was to protect my daughter.  

Every day I struggle with these memories. I've spent the last four years driving past the house where I was raped. I've tried to drown my sorrows and I've stared them soberly down. My children have saved me and shown me how strong I really am. To all of those sitting in silence letting it eat you up, just let it out. Write it down. Talk about it. Get that shit out! Cry your eyes out! Feel it for a final moment, let it have power, be afraid, focus on your breathe, then take back your power! You are alive! Spread your love Follow your dreams Never give up You are the change! A note to my abusers, you know who you are... I forgive you. I know something bad must have happened to you too. I love you, you can't rush your healing but talking to someone you trust sure does help :) This took me 11 years to write, don't make the same mistake that I did! If something bad is happening to you, SPEAK UP! You are not alone. If you don't have anyone you can trust to talk to, try chatting with me @ ijustneedsomeonetotalktommkay@gmail.com

Authors Note: I found this video after finally drafting up my post. It moved me to tears and spoke to my soul, I think it is something that needs to be shared. THE QUOTES THAT TOUCHED MY HEART

“Depression comes as a gift asking that a woman recognize her own substance and trust it as the quiet, steady voice of her own truth. As she trusts it, hearkens to it, attends as it unfolds, she learns that of herself never allowed to develop when her allegiance  was with the collective…” “Depression serves a woman is it presses down on her, forcing her to leave behind that which was not herself, which had influenced her to live a life alien to her own nature. Her suffering, now substantial, insists that she no longer deny its truth. " “For through her descent, she touches the power of the feminine, the power that comes of being, not doing… the power of wisdom in the face of a very old woman, a face on which one reads, ‘I know what I know.’ “A woman through her descent, touches a deeply feminine authority, as different from the authority of the masculine as is the moon from the sun. “It is an authority not of abstracted, rational, objective knowledge, but an authority which allows her to speak from her own unique experiencing of life, from her own deepest personal conviction.

http://www.mysticmamma.com/the-descent-in-the-feminine-process/ THE VIDEO The gift of depression aka the Feminine Descent by Stephanie Lin

To all of those reading this, Thank you! Thank you for holding this space for me to share without shame or fear of judgement. I love and appreciate you  Our time is now. No more playing small!  We can no longer stay silent. Peace, Love and Light -Mama Bear

[inyournightmares97]

ArrangedMarriage!au Chanyeol

Masterlist

“Do you have time for breakfast?” Chanyeol asked cheerfully, a wide smile on his face as you exited your bedroom. You were fully dressed in your work clothing and were stuffing your laptop into your briefcase.

“Uh, no,” you replied simply.

He blinked at you, his smile dropping a little. “But you should eat something, you can’t go hungry-”

“I’ll eat at work, my secretary will bring me something. Thanks, though. Have a nice day,” you wished him shortly, before hurrying out. Chanyeol was left staring after you as your heels clicked in the distance, eggs sizzling uselessly on the frying pan.

It had been like this for the past two weeks. Chanyeol wasn’t even sure what to do anymore. Ever since the two of you had gotten married, you’d treated him more like a roommate than a husband. Admittedly, your marriage wasn’t out of love. It was arranged and you’d both gone on a mere handful of dates over the span of two months before tying the knot. Even so. You had agreed to marry him. As far as Chanyeol knew, nobody had dragged you to the altar so why were you behaving this way?

He turned off the stove and sat down, rubbing his temples. Baekhyun had tried to warn Chanyeol; his friend had come across you while working in the industry and hadn’t hesitated to give his opinion. “I sat in a boardroom meeting with her once. She literally spat fire. I’m telling you, man, these career women can be really scary. Don’t get yourself into this,” Baekhyun had said.

But Chanyeol hadn’t wanted to make assumptions about you. You ran a huge pharmaceutical company; one that had received awards for making cheap medicines available to underprivileged children in India and parts of Africa. You were famous for being a philanthropic businesswomen and Chanyeol refused to believe that somebody like you could be scary. You cared about children, you were trying to make the world a better place, surely you were an angel.

But Chanyeol was beginning to realize that he wasn’t a part of the world you cared about so much. He had fallen for you because of how enthusiastic you were, how you had a vision for the future and how your eyes lit up as you talked about your work. But that was all. You spent all your time in your office. Even when you were at home, you were always on some work call. Chanyeol barely saw you, barely got to talk to you except to exchange banal greetings. He realized that he knew nothing about the woman he lived with.

This wasn’t how newly married life was supposed to be. Chanyeol closed his eyes and wondered if he’d made a huge mistake.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

You had agreed to this marriage because you were tired.

Your mother’s constant nagging, her taunting remarks about how you were getting on in age and her dramatic proclamations about how it was her only dream to see her daughter married. They exhausted you. You had so much to deal with but she kept monopolizing your time and energy, so you agreed.

Surely a husband couldn’t be worse than your mother. Surely.

Chanyeol had seemed like a nice guy. He was extremely smiley the first few times you met him, and expressed an admiration for how career-oriented you were. Besides, he was a rich and popular guy. He had friends, his own life. Chanyeol seemed like the perfect trophy husband who would be easy to get along with and wouldn’t interfere with your work.

You hadn’t expected him to try so hard.

He kept waking up early to make breakfast for you, trying to schedule dinner dates which you declined because you couldn’t fit them into your schedule. Your secretary even told you about how many times he came by your office, hoping to have lunch with you during his break.

When you’d told him that your lunch breaks were much later than his and that you couldn’t accomodate him, he’d looked like a scolded puppy. Chanyeol never gave up constantly trying to do things that married people did. It made you feel guilty inside, but you honestly didn’t know what to do about it.

He’d heard about your reputation. He knew you were a workoholic. If he’d still married you, then he should have been prepared for this.

“Ma'am, the shipment for tonight has been delayed. It’s only coming in tomorrow morning, ” your secretary informed you.

You frowned. “Did you tell them it’s urgent?”

“Y-yes ma'am…”

You sighed and shook your head. “Call them back and tell them if it doesn’t come in tomorrow, we’re cancelling the whole deal and suing them for delay.”

Your secretary nodded and scribbled something on her notepad. “Since the shipment’s not coming in tonight… should I schedule a dinner with your husband? He called this morning and asked me to pencil him in if anything opens up in your day.”

You frowned. “He did that?”

Your secretary hesitated. “He does it almost every day, ma'am.”

You sighed. Part of you wished Chanyeol would just get the hint and leave you alone. But you couldn’t avoid him forever and you had a feeling your employees were beginning to gossip. You nodded. “Fine, put him in.”

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

You were late. You completely forgot about dinner with Chanyeol and had let your secretary go home early, leaving you to deal with some pending paperwork. You’d gotten so caught up in it that it was nearly eleven by the time you left your office.

You arrived home to see Chanyeol asleep on the dining table. He was still dressed in his work clothes and you felt guilty as you saw the way his face was smushed against the hard dining table. Plates and cutlery were all set out; there were dishes of something that snelled slightly odd but was clearly home-cooked.

“Chanyeol,” you mumbled, shaking his shoulder lightly.

He jerked upright, his eyes shooting open. He stared at you for a moment. “Oh-you came. Are you okay? I thought you would be here sooner,” he said, eyes flickering towards the clock.

“I got caught up in work.”

He forced a smile. “I see.”

“I-I’m sorry,” you mumbled. Arranged marriage or not, it was never your intention to make someboday cook for you and stay up waiting for you. Chanyeol gave you a rather reluctant, hesitant smile.

“You don’t have to apologize to me. I get it. You’re busy. I’ll understand. But if this is how it’s always going to be…” he bit his lip. “Then I don’t want to do this anymore. This might have been a chore for you, but I genuinely like you and I’m afraid that I’m going to start hating you soon.”

You didn’t know what to say. “O-oh.”

“We should eat.”

You felt your stomach churn as he stood up and promptly began to heat up the food he’d cooked. There was a frown on his face; you suddenly realized that it was the first time you’d seen him frown. He was usually smiling so widely that you took him for granted.

“I’ll help you with that,” you reassured him, rushing forward to take the bowl out of his hands. You looked down at it and winced. “Chanyeol what is that?”

He flushed. “Huh?”

You stuck a finger into whatever it was and put it into your mouth; before promptly gagging. “Oh my god. Why does this taste like it’s been to hell and back?” you coughed, chilli powder stuck in your throat.

Chanyeol rushed to hand you water, his eyes wide. “Is it spicy? I didn’t even put anything in it to make it spicy, all I added was some red food coloring!” he insisted.

“Food coloring? Where did you get that from?” you demanded.

He shrugged helplessly. “It was on the shelf?”

“Food coloring causes cancer, I don’t keep any at home. You must have added red chilli powder to it, instead!” you explained. Chanyeol looked horrified for a brief moment. The two of you exchanged glances him with wide-eyes and yours red with tears from the chilli.

The whole situation was so absurd that you started laughing. You laughed madly, and Chanyeol began to laugh as well. It had been a while since you had laughed so hard, and you were left wiping away tears from your eyes as you leaned against the counter.

“Let’s order chicken,” you suggested lightly.

Chanyeol gave you an adoring smile. “Yeah, we should probably do that.”

X-X-X-X-X-X-X

A/N: I hope you guys enjoy this one!! I was sorely tempted to leave this on an angsty note but I held myself back, lol.

[pearsonstickseason]

too good at goodbyes

request: 73,89,98,99 bc i’m n e e d y asf tha nks 73. “You don’t have to stay.” 89. “You’re the best part of me.” 98. “Hold me back!’ 99. “I don’t care what they said, it doesn’t mean shit!”

Could you write something about brokenheart Shawn like maybe Y/N is so scared to be the girl with a broken heart that she decided to break his heart instead

— word count: 2,061

— warnings: mild swearing

“Get out!” You scream at the top of your lungs.

“No! Tell me why!” He yells back, standing his ground in front of you.

“Just leave!”

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me why you want me gone all of a sudden!”

You try to push him towards the door, but he barely moves an inch. You collapse against his chest, banging your fists against him.

“Please, just go!” You beg tears, spilling down your face.

“Why do you want me gone so bad, (y/n)? What happened?”

“I just don’t love you anymore.”

Shawn stares at you, not wanting to believe the words that just came out of your mouth.

“Leave. I don’t love you anymore.” You stare at him as silent tears roll down his cheeks.

Shawn grabs his jacket and keys, walking out and slamming the door behind him. You watch as he leaves, collapsing to the floor as soon as the door closes. You didn’t mean any of the things you said. You’re just scared. Scared of being hurt so you hurt him instead. You watched your parents’ marriage fall apart right in front of you and you swore you would never go through what they did.

You spent countless nights listening to your mother’s sobs through her locked bedroom door. You were so young having to watch all of this. Only eight years old. You had to endure their endless fights and sham of a marriage for another ten years before you finally got out of there. As soon as you left they stopped putting on a show and got divorced. You knew you were the only reason they were still together. You also swore that you would never put your children through that. You still stand by that. Maybe that’s why you’re so afraid to love.

You promised yourself that as soon as you thought you might be falling in love with Shawn you would leave. The thing is, you didn’t even realize you were already in love with him. You’re so afraid to love Shawn, so afraid to get hurt, that you just push him away.

You don’t know how long you’re on the floor crying, but it feels like your lungs are on fire. You stand up, your whole body numb. You slowly make your way to the bedroom, collapsing into the bed. You curl up into yourself, wrapping your arms around you, wishing they were Shawn’s. You close your eyes, more tears rolling down your cheeks as you realize Shawn is most likely never coming back.

You hear a knock at the door and refuse to get up, not wanting to see anyone at the moment. When the knocks become more urgent you groan and reluctantly make your way to answer it. As soon as you reach the living room the door swings open to reveal Matt.

“You left the door unlocked.” He says, walking in.

“Yeah, thanks. I realized that when you burst in.” You roll your eyes, starting to walk back to your bedroom, Matt trailing right behind you.

“I assume Shawn sent you to get his things.” You say as you reach up to grab a duffel bag from the top of the closet.

“No, actually.”

You stop and stare at him, sure you heard him wrong.

“What?”

“He didn’t send me to get his things.”

You blink slowly before staring at Matt, your eyebrows drawn together tightly.

When you don’t answer he continues, “Shawn showed up at my front door a little while ago. He had obviously been crying. He told me what happened and I immediately dragged him over here. He’s in the car.”

Your heart lifts slightly when you hear that Shawn is here.

“I’ve known you for quite some time now, (y/n). I know you didn’t mean any of that. You’re still madly in love with Shawn. I think he’s the only one who doesn’t know that. At least he doesn’t think you love him at this moment.” He finishes.

You stare at him, more tears threatening to spill. You didn’t even know you could cry this much.

“I still love him. So much. I’m just scared.”

“I’m not the one you should be telling.” He motions towards the front door.

You walk outside to see Shawn standing outside, his back towards your house. His head lowers when he hears the door open and close.

“See man,” he sniffles, “I told you. Can we go now?”

He turns around and freezes when he sees you.

“Shawn, I’m so sorry.” You say stepping closer to him.

He stuffs his hands in his pockets, looking down and kicking at the pavement below him.

“You don’t have to stay, but will you at least hear me out?” You continue.

He shrugs, “I guess. Go ahead and break my heart a little more if you please.” He mutters.

Your heart breaks even more hearing him say that and you swallow hard before continuing.

“You know my parents are divorced, but you don’t know that I had to deal with the fights for ten years. I had to listen to my mother’s crying through a locked door for hours on end, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I had to live in the center of their broken marriage for ten years. I was the only reason they didn’t get divorced sooner. I felt like I was the reason they had to go through it for so much longer than they should have.”

Shawn looks at you sympathetically and you shake your head, “Don’t look at me like that.”

He looks to the ground again and you take a deep breath before continuing.

“Shawn, I told you I don’t love you anymore because I’m scared.”

His head snaps up and he looks at you, confusion evident in his expression.

“I didn’t want to get hurt, so I hurt you first.”

Shawn’s expression changed and you swear he looks angry.

“So, you were so scared to get close to me, and let me love you that you decided to break my heart? Do you know how fucked up that is?”

You close your eyes and a few tears roll down your cheeks, “I didn’t want to be the girl with the broken heart. Shawn, I messed up. I know that. It’s all I know. Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve left before I could get hurt, but they’ve never loved me like you and I’ve never loved them.”

“You can’t just go around breaking up with people because you’re scared to fall in love!”

You take a deep breath and step back from him, his expression immediately softening.

“Sorry.” He mutters.

“No, Shawn…you’re right. I didn’t want to let you close to me even though you mean the most to me. And that’s an awful thing to do to you. You don’t deserve this.” You sigh.

Shawn just looks at you, not sure of what to say.

“Everyone was right. I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me.” You mutter, ready to give up.

Shawn’s eyebrows pull together, “Who said that?”

“Your fans, the media, even Andrew said it once. We had gotten in a fight and he was mad because I had you distracted so don’t go off on him.” You say quietly.

“I don’t care what they said, it doesn’t mean shit!” He says, clearly angry.

“It does to me!”

“Why!? Why does what they say mean so much to you!?”

“I don’t know!” You shout as tears of frustration continue to blur your vision.

“You shouldn’t even care about what I say. Your opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to how you view yourself.” He says softly.

“Yeah, well my opinion is the same as theirs. You’re too good for me.” Your voice lowers.

Shawn stares at you, hurt that you would say that.

“I am not too good for you.” He shakes his head.

“You are. You know you are. You’re such a good person. All of the time. You’re talented and genuine. I just go around trying to break other people’s hearts before they can break mine. All I ever say is goodbye.”

“Why don’t you try saying hello? Say hello to me. To us. To our relationship.”

“Because I’m way too good at goodbyes.” You say quietly.

“You don’t have to say goodbye again. You haven’t fully said it to me yet.”

“Because you slipped through the cracks.”

“Heaven forbid! Matt, hold me back! I’m getting too close to (Y/n)’s heart!” He says sarcastically.

“Would you stop?” You hit his arm.

“Why should I? You’re the best part of me and you’re scared to admit that you love me.”

“Yeah, I am! I’m sorry I’m not conventional and I don’t fit into your perfect fucking plan, Shawn.”

“But, you do! You fit into it so well because it’s built around you! I know you, (Y/n), you’re a fighter. I’ve learned that through many things. You fight for what you believe in and you fight for what you want. You are one of the most stubborn people at times. What happened to that girl?”

“I guess she’s gone.” You look down.

“Don’t say that.” He says, stepping closer to you.

“How can I not?” You look back at him.

He opens his mouth to speak, but you interrupt him.

“Baby, we don’t stand a chance. It’s-it’s sad…but it’s true.” You say, wiping your eyes.

“We stand every chance.”

“Shawn…”

“Don’t…” He says, his lip trembling as tears begin to roll down his cheeks.

You open your mouth to say something, but he doesn’t let you.

“(Y/n)…stop. I’m not giving up on us this easily.”

“But, I need you to.”

“Boo fucking hoo because I’m not going to.”

“Why do you have to be so stubborn!?”

“Because I love you and I don’t want to lose you!”

“Goddammit, Shawn! Then stop loving me!”

“I can’t just stop loving you! Why are you so scared of me loving you, anyway!?”

“My parents-” You start.

“Stop. You can’t blame this on your parents anymore. That was their relationship. Just because their relationship didn’t work out, doesn’t mean none of yours can!”

You stare at him quietly, tears freely flowing down both of your faces.

“Do you even want this to work out?”

“What? Of course I do.”

“Then act like it.”

“What do you want me to do?” You ask, frustrated.

“Say you love me.”

You stare at him, your mouth open slightly as he looks at you expectantly.

“I…”

You love Shawn. You really do. You don’t know why it’s so hard for you to tell him that.

“Of course. Fuck this. I tried.” He says walking towards your front door, leaving you standing there as he calls for Matt.

You start to panic as you realize Shawn is actually walking away this time.

“Shawn…”

“What? What could you possibly have to say to me?” He spits.

“I love you. I really do. I’m so madly in love with you and I don’t know why that was so hard for me to say because you’re the only person I ever want to say that to. I’m sorry it took me so long, but please know that I really do love you. Please don’t go.”

“I love you too, (Y/n”. I always have.“

You smile at him.

“But it’s too late. Sometimes people need to hear things like this sooner. Ya know, before they actually begin to believe that you don’t love them.” He continues and your heart sinks.

Shawn walks past you, getting in the car as Matt walks out.

“Take care, (Y/n).”

You nod, staring at Shawn. This was exactly what you were afraid of. You watch as they drive away, your heart shattering even more with each roll of the tires. You walk back inside, closing the door behind you. You sink down and bring your knees to your chest, breaking down.

This house is where you shared so many amazing memories with Shawn. All the early mornings where you woke up and cooked breakfast together. The birthdays you spent together. The drunken nights that ended in sloppy, giggling make-out sessions. This house didn’t feel like home anymore.

It didn’t feel like home anymore because your home just left you standing out front as tears rolled down your cheeks.

[rem-is-best-almond]

[Review] Dance with Devils Urie Sogami/ Urieganof Fuser’s route

The token Flirt of the group (or in his case , the fuck boy) who’s the vice president of the Student council. He’s childhood friends with Rem but his route seems to trample all over their relationship.  At first, I thought Urie was charming in a way but boy did his route slapped me in the face cause of how full of shit he was. Honestly, I sort of had expectations for Urie to NOT be as bad as what some reviews say but turns out he is and I honestly didn’t think his character development was anything great because he never owns up to the things he did wrong even at the end of it.

[Spoilers under the cut , this is a summary of his whole route, including some CGs] 

Left Door routes:      Rem   Lindo   Roen

Right Door Routes:  Mage  Shiki

<< Previous (Mage)    Next (Shiki)>>    Final thoughts >I

After finding out the truth about Ritsuka, Urie wants to use her to his own advantage to make Rem jelly of him so he requests Rem to assign him to watch over Ritsuka . He invades her dreams and acts all sweet taking her around his in-dream Carnival until onii-chan cockblocks him. Despite this, Ritsuka wants to confront Urie and finds him in the school’s Greenhouse with his thirsty fangirls clinging onto him. Things get heated up when Urie claims that Ritsuka is his special Butterfly ,so his 蝶々ｓ start chasing her and shoving her around. He pulls her into hiding but instead of defending Ritsuka , he just goes “Oh, but they aren’t bad girls” like they didn’t just tried to claw her eyes out over him =.=

Unfortunately, Ritsuka does trusts Urie so when he pulls the victim card that she was doubting their trust, she takes off her protective pendant and this gives him the chance to turn her into his own blow up doll that only knows how to say “UwU Urie” 24/7 == Also, he blames it on her for being stupid and because she was something important to Rem (being the Grimoire that is) . He goes to show her off to Rem but Rem doesn’t want to deal with his bullshit and leaves. Urie acts all sad because Rem-senpai won’t notice him but continues to treat Ritsuka as his blowup doll anyway. His UwU sessions with her are so gross and cringey even Mage and Shiki are sick of his behaviour. Rem gets reprimanded by his father for letting Urie have the Grimoire first so Urie thinks it feels great to surpass him but somehow thinks it’s boring too and I’m just 凸ಠ益ಠ)凸

Due to the effects of Urie’s magic, Ritsuka gradually turns into a zombie and doesn’t even remember who she is. Rem asks if Urie had found a way to get the grimoire out of Ritsuka and tells Urie that he shouldn’t treat her as his blowup doll anymore or he’ll turn her into a real doll but Urie’s like “pfft, relax she won’t die, you’re just jealous.” (;¬_¬)  Ritsuka eventually starts calling out for her mother and brother despite her trance so Urie shits bricks and tries to gain control over her by forcefully kissing her and groping her but she manages to free herself from his spell and tells him to fuck off (You tell’em gurl) .

Unfortunately, Ritsuka goes back to being his prisoner in exchange for him helping an injured Lindo. Even so, she doesn’t let him treat her as his play doll so he gets butthurt and fucks his harem of girls instead. Ritsuka wants to know why he’s being such a jerk so she asks Rem about Urie. He tells her that Urie has an unquenchable desire to make everything around him his and would do anything to get what he wants.As a result, he was never satisfied with anything.So when it came to Rem, Urie wouldn’t stop comparing himself to him because he sees him as a perfect existence and wants to surpass him in hopes to gain some sort of satisfaction within himself. Ritsuka wants to know why Urie’s like this but Rem says that she should ask Urie himself if she wanted to get to know him better. So Ritsuka confronts Urie and he tells her about his family.

Urie’s father is no ordinary fuckboy cause with the amount of women he fucked , he ended up having 36 children and Urie’s the oldest. Because of this, his mother criticises his father’s womanising ways by fucking other men as well and is never home. She hates Urie because he was also following his father’s fuckboy ways. So Urie continues to fuck multiple women and eat their souls because he doesn’t believe in genuine love anymore. He also thinks that by surpassing Rem, he could somehow fill the void in his heart  ಠ_ರೃ

Ritsuka wishes for the best for him but he’s like “ You’ve lighted a fire under my ass by saying that so will you be my bride instead?” and at first, she agrees out of pity but he ends up kissing her in her dreams and abacadabra she’s madly in love with him now ! (´∀`) They go around the school during the school festival and at some point were chased by Urie’s 蝶々ｓ but manage to escape from them. Urie takes her to the dance yet Rem and Ritsuka end up being the king and queen so Urie gets jelly and pulls Ritsuka out of the ballroom because he realises that he can’t hand her over to Rem. They danced and he ends up confessing to her and she says that she loves him too. Jek crashes their party but Rem and Co come to the rescue. Jek is defeated but before he dies, he exclaims the method to obtain the Grimoire like he’s high on drugs and vanishes into ash.  

Devil route:

The King of Vampires, Nesta (I’ll call him Nestle from now on :)) ) invades the school with his hoard of Vampires. He’s after the Grimoire and because he’s too OP, Rem tells Urie to take Ritsuka and run. They run to Urie’s eden and find Lindo already awake. They explain the situation to him and Urie assures Lindo that he would protect Ritsuka. Lindo tells them to go to a cave where he used to do his exorcist training to kill time until the Grimoire vanishes. While in the cave, they found Professor Tachibana’s diary and find out that Ritsuka is actually a half devil. The diary also recorded down the method to make the Grimoire vanish from Ritsuka’s body, that is to turn her from a half devil into a full fledged one. Urie offers to do just that but since he’s an incubus, it can only be achieved if he fucks her ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) So they bang in the cave but they don’t bang happily ever after because this ends up turning Ritsuka into his love doll ＼| ￣ヘ￣|／

Urie brings Ritsuka back to school to tell Rem what had happened and although he’s bummed that the Grimoire’s gone, he decides to go settle the score with the vampires and bring Maria back. He tells Urie that he has until midnight to figure out how to break Ritsuka from her love doll state as they had to go back now that the grimoire’s gone. Urie tries taking Ritsuka to the places they had spent time together but it’s all for naught as she doesn’t recall a single thing.

Devil end 1 (Good end):

Rem manages to rescue Marie  and Urie offers to take her back home along with Ritsuka. He leaves her at the front door and although Ritsuka saw both Lindo and Maria, she still didn’t break from her doll like state. In a last resolve, Urie decides to take her to the school’s garden for a dance, he kisses her and this magically returns her back to herself. In the epilogue, Urie brings Ritsuka back to his home in the demon realm as she’s one of them now and they ichaicha all the way in their love shack (￣ω￣)

Devil end 2 (Bad end):

Urie ends up bringing Ritsuka to see Lindo but she doesn't recognize him. So he brings her back to school as they patiently wait for Rem to bring Maria back, Hoping that seeing her would jog Ritsuka's memory.  Nesta comes to them instead and reveals that Rem and Co are dead. He then kills Ritsuka and heavily injures Urie. She returns back to herself right before she dies as Urie cries in anguish. In the epilogue, Urie kills Nesta in a fit of rage and eventually dies too. 

 Human route:

After the incident with Jek, Urie decides to follow Rem’s orders. He takes Ritsuka on a date and reveals to her the truth about his intentions.He also purposefully leaves the door to his eden open in hopes that she would escape. The next morning, he comes in to find Ritsuka waiting for him. She isn’t escaping cause she loves Urie to trust that he wouldn’t harm her. So Urie decides to strangle her to prove a point. Ritsuka refuses to believe that Urie had intended to harm her, saying that she wants to be happy with him. Urie finally gives in because he can’t bear to kill her so he’s going to ditch Rem instead. Rem’s of course not pleased that Urie’s betraying the Arlond family so he chases them all around the school and out into the streets. Ritsuka manages to fend off Rem and Co with her pendant and she and Urie both escape.

Human end 1 (Good end):

Urie decides to escape with Ritsuka to his dream carnival to kill time until the Grimoire vanishes.Rem and Co manage to catch up with them and he and Rem both have a duel to settle their differences. Seeing his friend’s determination to protect the girl he loves, Rem decides to give up on the grimoire just as the clock strikes midnight, saying that there’s no use to pursue it anymore.  Turns out, it was  a fake clock chime that Rem had anticipated because he just wants an excuse to give up on the grimoire lol. The real time passes and the grimoire finally vanishes. In the epilogue, Urie is playing Shogi with Rem ,who decided to stay with his friend in the human world, but he’s losing so he asks Ritsuka to try instead. She eventually loses to Rem but Rem praises her potential if she practiced. Rem then leaves the room as he had duties to attend to. Urie states that as long as he has Ritsuka, he doesn’t mind losing to Rem.

Human end 2 (Bad end):

Urie decides to put Ritsuka into a deep sleep in the dream world he conjured up until the Grimoire vanishes. He then goes to confront Rem. They both have a duel and Urie loses in the end. As Rem was planning to land a final blow, Urie exclaims that he’ll die where he wants to die and vanishes back into his dream world where Ritsuka was still sleeping. He ends up dying beside her. In the epilogue, Lindo laments about Ritsuka’s comatose state, having found her in Urie’s Eden when he woke up. He blames Urie for all of this but Azuna says that it’s possible that Ritsuka chose to stay this way and that Urie’s not all to be blamed.

Concluding Thoughts:

This route just made me want to flip a million tables and fling my Vita out of the fucking window multiple times (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻  The fact that Rem gets all the blame for Urie’s shit is just wtf and I don’t know how the writer even had the nerve to do that. Things literally went from ‘I’m doing this because I want to surpass Rem for my own selfish reasons’ to ‘I was just doing what Rem told me to’ and the plot fucking follows through with it. Urie never tried to genuinely fix the mess he made and everything falls back onto Rem’s shoulders ლ(ಠ益ಠლ . 

I know Urie’s scum at first so that makes him ‘realistic’ but honestly , this route cut his development short by completely changing his original intentions, that is he wanted Ritsuka for himself and wasn’t locking her up for Rem yet after he kissed her, every bad thing he did before was because he was following Rem’s orders like WTF (Ironically, Rem told him to stop TWICE) . At least in the devil route, he did feel sorry for treating Rem the way he did being envious of him and all but he never really felt sorry for what he did to Ritsuka and she just easily forgives him after he kisses her so I felt that part was kind of Bullshit.  

Also, I’m both surprised and Salty that Azuna and Lindo weren’t out searching for Ritsuka like crazy since I’m pretty sure Urie kept her with him 24/7 and it was for quite some time and not just a few days. Meanwhile, they’re everywhere in Rem’s route =.= 

Overall, I really disliked this route and the character development here wasn’t all that great imho. 

Left Door routes:      Rem   Lindo   Roen

Right Door Routes:  Mage  Shiki

<< Previous (Mage)    Next (Shiki)>>    Final thoughts >I

[branflakes82]

Hard to Trust ch. 15

Here is @pathybo next chapter! Hope everyone enjoys!!!

Eric was getting ready in the bedroom while Alicia was helping you with your hair in the living room. She was doing a very stylish bun with a few strands of hair loose in front. It was beautiful. Once she finished your hair she did your make up you looked yourself over in the mirror.

“I really didn't know that amity was so talented in hair and make up.” You said. “They're not, that's why I left. I'm not amity, I'm dauntless.” She said smiling. “And I'm glad for that because you managed to make my girl even more beautiful than she already is.” Eric said entering the living room. Alicia smiled then left when you went to put your dress on. “Oh baby, you're stunning. I can't wait to take this dress off of you.” Eric said devouring you with his eyes. The two of you headed down to the garage where Max and the other leaders were waiting for you. You took a car along with Max and his date, a girl named Susan that you had never met before. The other leaders divided themselves into two other cars. The dinner was being held at the Hub, it was a neutral place where all factions could attend. The other leaders Harrison, Samuel and Donna were already there with their spouses or dates. You didn't know them well, so you couldn't tell exactly who was who. Your father was at the door welcoming all the factions and at the moment he saw you he stopped everything he was doing and come towards you. “My baby, I can't believe you're here.” He held you close. “I'm sorry I couldn't attend visiting day. But you're here now. You're so beautiful and so not Abnegation anymore.” He looked at you and pulled you close once more. It was strange seeing him showing such affection. “Oh dad, I missed you so much, I have so many things to tell you, we could talk for a week.” You laughed. Your mom was right beside him looking at you. “If I didn't know the both of you so well, I would be jealous.” She said hugging you. “Tell me baby, how did you come to the dinner? Who did you come with??” “Mom, dad, this is Eric. Dad might know him and I don't know if you remember him from visiting day, mom.” You said. Eric was by your side the whole time and when you introduced him he shook your fathers hand. “Thank you so much for bringing her here, Eric. I really appreciate the chance to see my daughter again.” Andrew said to him. “I didn't come here just to see you, dad. Eric is my boyfriend, I'm here as his date.” You said. “Oh, oooohhhhh, you know we do take Faction before Blood very seriously. But anyway, welcome to the family, son.” Andrew said. Your mother was already hugging Eric and he seemed a little uncomfortable. Your father took the chance of their distration to come closer to you and whisper in your ear. “Are you happy? Forgot Jordan for good?” He was being overprotective like he always was with you. “I'm very happy dad. More than I've ever been.” You said not mentioning Jordan's name. “You know, Eric, these two.” You mom motioned between you and your father. “They have a relationship that always made me jealous. They are almost like the same person in two different bodies. So please, don't be uncomfortable around them.” After a little more chatting you noticed how antsy Eric was getting. “We'll see you guys later,” you told your mom and dad. You said moving towards the table you were assigned. Eric's hand on the small of your back all the time. You were on the same table as Max and Susan and Harrison and his wife Jennifer. Samuel and his date Amanda were at another table along with Donna and her boyfriend Todd. You were supposed to have two more couples at your table; one couple from Erudite and another couple from Candor. All leaders. Jack Kang and his wife were the couple from candor. You had met Mr. Kang one time when you were helping your father on his duties. “Miss Prior, it is such a pleasure to see you again.” Jack Kang said giving you his hand to shake. “It's my pleasure Mr. Kang, long time no see.” You replied. Max was almost exploding because his chest was buffing in pride of his newest dauntless member being so popular with the leaders and Eric was looking exactly the same. But Eric's reaction didn't last long when the next couple arrived. She was a beautiful girl from Erudite and the man looked incredibly beautiful; brown hair, blue eyes, not to muscular, but fit. “Good evening.” The girl said as she sat down. Eric seemed uncomfortable with her presence, but she didn't bother you. “Eric, I didn't know I was going to see you here. It's very nice to see you.” She said looking you over. The woman reached out her hand to shake yours. “I'm Jasmine and this is my brother Jonathan, he's a leader at Erudite.” “I'm Y/N, nice to meet you both.” You said politely. “Still coming to the dinners with your brother, Jasmine?” Eric said in a mocking tone. “Since you ditched me, yes, I'm coming with my brother.” She said mischievously. You felt a pain in your heart, what did she mean by that? “Watch your mouth, Jasmine.” Eric said standing up. “I'm going to the bar” He said to you kissing your cheek. “So, this is when I tell you Eric was mine before he defected.” Jasmine said after Eric walked off. “Jasmine, cut it out, just leave her alone. You're just jealous he didn't want to stick around a girl like you.” Jonathan said. To your surprise, Jasmine stayed quiet for the rest of the evening, but her presence was enough to make you uncomfortable. Eric came back from the bar and noticed that you were not ok with the situation. He asked you if Jasmine said something and you told him what she said. “Babe, she was never important. We dated for a while, but when I transferred I didn't want someone so shallow in my life anymore.” He said almost mad. The dinner went normal, you chatted with Jack Kang’s wife and Susan while Max, Eric and Jack talked about faction leader stuff. You excused yourself and went to the ladies room and your mom followed you. You two talked for a while in the bathroom lounge and when you were about to leave, Jasmine came in. “I thought I could find you here, I wanted to talk to you.” She said to you. “I have nothing to talk to you about, Jasmine.” You said moving toward the exit. “What does he say to you, when you're like, intimate? “Baby you're so gorgeous” or “baby you're mine”, or maybe my favorite “you feel so good baby”? It that what he says to you? Cause it's exactly what he used to say to me.” She said making you stop in your tracks. “But that's only until he's fed up with you, until someone better shows up or you stop being useful to him. Then he will leave you like trash.” Your mom noticed how upset you were with all Jasmine had said to you. She grabbed your arm and led you out of the ladies room. “Don't listen to her, sweetheart, she just wants to get under your skin.” Your mom said. “She's right, mom, she said everything that Eric says to me when we are alone! How can she possibly know that unless he used to say the same things to her?” You were incredibly mad. “Tell dad I love him, but I have to go, I can't stay here right now.” Your mom understood and walked you to your table. When Eric saw you he knew something was not right. He stood up and approached you. “Are you ok, what happened? You seem upset.” He said closer to your ear. “You should ask your ex girlfriend. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home.” You said getting closer to the table. You came up with a lame excuse to Max saying that you were not feeling well and told him you were going home. Eric insisted in going with you even though you were telling him not you worry about it, that he needed to stay here where he was needed. “My car will take you and then he can come back to get us.” Max decided for you. You and Eric took Max's car and were going back to Dauntless together. “Can you tell me what that was about?” Eric asked you. “Not here.” You answered through gritted teeth. When you entered Eric's apartment you didn't have enough time to close the door and he was questioning you. “What the hell was that? You made me leave during the Factions Dinner because of jealousy? What did Jasmine say to make you so upset?” He asked. “I told you, you didn't need to come.” You said at first then took a deep breath. “She knows exactly what you say to me when we are together; because you used to say the same things to her. And more, she said you're using me like you used her and as soon as you find a new toy, you will leave me.” You said madly, tears of anger running down your cheeks. Eric started to get mad and you didn't expect his reaction. “THAT’S ENOUGH OF THIS INSECURITY OF YOURS! I’M DONE WITH THAT! I’M WITH YOU! NOT WITH JASMINE OR AMY. I CANNOT DEAL WITH ALL YOUR SUSPICIONS ANYMORE! YOU BETTER GET YOURSELF TOGETHER BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO PROVE TO YOU HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU AND HOW MUCH YOU MATTER TO ME!” Eric was yelling loud, he then went to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. You were feeling so guilty not trusting him the way he deserved. That you were so weak and allowed Jasmine to get under your skin. For allowing Jordan to break you the way he did, making you not trust anyone anymore. You were feeling beaten up, tired, absolutely emotionally drained. You went to the bedroom, took of your dress and put on a camisole. You laid down and even with all the events you fell asleep almost immediately, your brain had to shut down. You didn't see Eric coming to bed, if he even did, and you didn't push him anymore because you knew he was pissed at you. You tossed and turned all night long. You couldn't rest properly and you were sure Eric didn't either. When you woke up there was no sign of him in the apartment, so you went to shower feeling guilty and defeated. You were putting everything at risk, the love you had for Eric and the possibility of him loving you back, even though he never said the words to you. You were loosing him because of your own insecurities. You got ready and went to the cafeteria to breakfast. You didn't feel like talking to anyone, but Alicia saw you coming in and she was calling you to sit with her and Chris. “How was it? Tell me everything.” She was so excited, you felt you were breaking her as well. “It was great, until a certain point. Eric's ex girlfriend was there and we ended up having a massive fight last night.” Tears were falling down your cheek, so your friend didn't push anymore. “Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” She asked you sympathetic. “I appreciate your concern, my dear, but that's an issue I have to work out with him, or not.” You were feeling so weak and sad that you didn't know what else to do. “Let's go to work.”Chris said smiling to you. “I'm pretty sure Warren will try his best to make you feel better, and I will too.” He kissed Alicia and extended his hand to you and you left the cafeteria holding hands. No sign of Eric whatsoever. Max decided to stop at Eric's office to make sure you were okay. He opened the door, not bothering to knock and entered. The man in front of him was a mess; dark bags under his eyes, messy hair, it looked like the guy had been awake all night. “What the hell happened to you? You look like shit, man.” Max said to his friend. “I barely slept last night. Y/N and I had a huge fight and I stayed on the couch. I think I was too harsh on her but she was asking for. She's testing my limits and I don't respond well with that.” He was still mad, but with a hint of sadness. “Calm down, man, she's already on duty. They are answering a disruption in Amity. I asked them to solve that.” Max told him. “Now let's go get some coffee. We have a meeting in 30 minutes.” Both men left Eric's office and went to get some coffee and get ready for the day ahead.

[eversincethatnight]

Have you really been listening? This is the last of what I have to say on my side for a while. 

You’re the kind of guy to do what you think is “necessary.” All the things you’ve done to me are actions that have made you stay true to who you are. They hurt me tremendously. Ironically, it’s what I’ve grown to love about you. Ironically, it’s what leads me to believe when you’re in, you’re all in...and I just wanted that for us. 

I’m going to carry on with what I processed today because I feel it to be “necessary.” 

Love is a peculiar thing. You can definitely love someone, but not be in love with them. I always question it and feel like I manage to romanticize this way too much or that I’ve been in lust, or make things up in my head. This thought really had me going today. I was questioning everything and I was like “Do you really love him or do you think you love him?” “What has he done for you to feel this way?” I thought about all the things you did and didn’t do for me...and it all didn’t matter with what I came up with. I know exactly why I feel what I feel and I know that it’s honest and true. I really would like to go through my day feeling like I’m not curious about you in the world like I am, constantly. It takes a lot of my energy knowing it’s because I don’t talk to you anymore like we did. Knowing we don’t keep tabs on one another and that you don’t want me in your life. The reason I’m this way is because I just feel like it’s a situation that I predicted, but really wish didn’t turn out the way it did. I rethink everything and analyze what’s transpired over the last few months over and over again. I tell myself I’m not being fair to myself and try to talk myself out of this by saying “he’s not giving a shit about you now, so why are you fumbling around in these feelings?” I hate having to do this and think so negatively about you in order to get by. 

And then I asked myself this: was I alone in the moments where I felt connected to you? They were fleeting moments. Did I do this all on my own? I couldn’t have right? They were moments I enjoyed, but you so easily were focused on the world outside of us all the time. I always took it as you not being interested in me, and I remember a time you felt bad that I questioned your interest. But really, I couldn’t have been alone in these moments right? It wasn’t one-sided? I feel like you constantly didn’t let yourself go over this wall. There was something always holding you back. I was always left wanting more. You wouldn’t let yourself fall too deep all while I just fell so damn hard for you. 

I wonder why you haven’t gotten so frustrated that you just tell me to leave you alone. Well, don’t worry about that one...it inevitably will have to happen because I feel I’m left with no choice. I am constantly setting myself up for disappointment and hurt when I don’t get the response I’d like from you. I’d just like respect and ease when we communicate. I don’t understand why I get the constant cold shoulder.

“I think it’s best if we take a break for now maybe later in life will work out a little better.”

I’m not sure what that means, but I thought about this idea intensely today. What are the reasons why we’d work later in life? What is it that you think I have to go through and learn? The specifics. What is it that you have to go through in order for this to be a good fit? I wish that you would have the ability to open up and talk about this. It’s not been fair. From the very beginning I’ve been very honest with you and have tried to diminish any concern you had about me. I wish you would find it in yourself to express your feelings for me in this aspect. What’s missing and why not now?

There are things I always wanted in life. I’ve always wanted a great love of my life. I have wanted children for sure, but for some reason, I’ve always had a feeling that I won’t be granted children of my own. I have always had this feeling growing up. As long as I can remember I’ve always been told I’d be a great mother, and I know I would be. I always thought that life would be about having a happy career, having a loving husband and beautiful children that we proudly raise. I did want these things, but for the past year I’ve been floating around and this idea just doesn’t make sense all the time. I don’t think from the beginning with you that I was adamant about children. I don’t think once I said I had to have children to you, and this is where I lead up into what I have to say.

For some reason, even when I tell you that there are things I’m willing to put aside for you, you think I am lying. You think there’s something wrong with this and there’s not. I’m not lying and I’m not telling a story to reel you in. I just truly believe that it’s too soon to believe that you don’t want children with someone you love down the road. You don’t know what being in love will do to you when it comes to children. You don’t know what life will do to you and the person you just fall for. It’s okay to want different things. It’s okay to want one thing before you meet someone and then change a little because they influence. I’ve done this. It’s okay to love someone and budge a little on your own beliefs. That’s love and how the world moves. That’s how I work, that’s how I move, and I would never resent you for it. I also feel that if we had moved forward I wouldn’t pressure you into this. I think I’d always be okay with just having you. That isn’t a lot of pressure...and that is my truth. As long as I got you I’d be fine. 

I’ve thought very deeply and very far about this. I wish you genuinely understood. I haven’t said a whole lot about your adoption, your family, the twins, and their mom. I really believe these things play a role in how you look at your future and your now. I’ve wanted to talk to you and be there for you as you rummage through these things. I’ve never pressured you into seeing someone about them because it’s never been my place, but if it was, I pray you see someone. I really think you have a lot about your past that needs to be unpacked and you won’t be completely ready for anyone until you do. You cried with me the first night we met. You told me you didn’t imagine your life the way that it is. I will never forget that. You also told me once that you didn’t think you would ever be good enough for me, and I wanted to know why this was. Are these things that you’ve believed and things you’ve based your reasoning on? I wish I could be present in your life to just be there for you. 

Earlier today my cousin in Dallas called me to see how I was. She never does this, but we stayed on the phone for over an hour talking to me about us. She asked how we were doing. This is my cousin that married a black man. I went to her for advice when we first started talking because I remember I wasn’t sure what to do with how I felt about you. I felt like I was doing something that wasn’t smart (because of my family) and then got to a point where it didn’t phase me at all because I was so into you. I thought about how maybe this was a struggle I didn’t need, but then asked myself if it really was a struggle. It opened my eyes to a different way of thinking and made me realize that there was nothing wrong with liking you and I felt how I felt because we are just two people. We aren’t anything else, just people dealing with other people’s damned opinions on race. With us, I don’t see race at all...it was something new spending time and being with you. And it’s something that doesn’t even matter to me. She struggled with this guy for a while because he didn’t feel deserving of love. He didn’t want to risk her being disowned by her family because of the race card. He didn’t feel like he could handle what she brought to the table because of an age gap and her having child. She explained to him that she didn’t care about being disowned and that she loved him. She felt very much the way I feel about you. Where you know how someone makes you feel and even when they close off you know there’s more worth waiting for. She told me it was nearly the same for her and Kyle. Initially, he wasn’t willing. He even told her when he walked away “I tried to move on and be without you. It didn’t make sense for me to do so. It could have been easy for me to find a woman that didn’t have children, didn’t want children, and that was my age, but that’s not fair.” Through time and space he realized that she was the only one for him...and even though it was very hard at the beginning they are madly in love now and have each other. The family accepts him whole heartedly and they have a wonderful marriage. She told me she prays for you because she feels that you are so similar to her husband. There is a lot that’s in the past that makes way to the now and it’s not fair for you to be this way with yourself. 

My cousin left me on this note and it’s biblical. She said “God made Eve from the rib of Adam. There is a man out there missing his rib, the only woman that is his rib.” How can we not believe that other people don’t complete us in some way or another? It’s okay to understand and not need someone to complete you, but in reality, the person you end up with has got to make you better in some way or else you’re not going to want them around. There is only one you and only one me. You can argue that there are people out there that want the same things we do and that we don’t want to sacrifice for one another. But that’s not fair. We could make is so easy by forgetting each other and moving on, but that’s not right either. There’s only one you, there’s only one me. 

I realize I could be talking out of my ass. I do. But I’ll continue. 

I can’t imagine someone else with you. I hate the idea. I can’t know what’s going on with you because it hurts too much. But, like anything else what is meant to be will be. I’ll accept this and pray about it. 

I want you to know that you deserve a great love. You deserve someone to care about you so much that they want you to be okay every second of the day. You deserve happiness. You deserve every single one of your desires in life to be fulfilled. You deserve to travel the world. You deserve to be kissed at night and loved. You have deserved a lot of things in life that I know you didn’t get. I know from my side that is so much easier for me to say because I will never understand what you’ve been through. However, I know the kind of person you are. I see through you. 

And here’s the last piece I have to say. I’d like the think you struggled with the idea of us for a while in good reason. I fell for you because you’ve challenged me from the beginning. I loved our conversations the first night we met. I loved the way you looked at me. I loved the detail in things you did. I loved the way I felt that night with you. I felt safe and understood for just a while. I wanted it to continue. You have a charisma to you that I find so attractive. Your wit and cleverness kills me. When you care, I know you really care. You pay attention to details. You practice self awareness. The way you are with boys melts my heart. Although I think there is a huge aspect of understanding each other’s core that was missing from this relationship, I really know I’ve yearned for the potential of you all this time. I yearn for deep talks that never happened, and conversations about the future. I miss holding and being held by you. I miss your kisses and looking into your eyes. During those moments is when I felt that you cared. My hands on your your neck and holding your face. Back rubs to sleep and you asking if I’m okay in the night. Sex...I miss everything about it. I really could go on. 

I think I’ll always hold out for you, Michael. I’ll leave you to figure it out and see what later in life brings. I hope that it brings us together in a better time, but I’ll have to figure out how to carry on. That’s the worst part. I love you. 

[butwatchthequeensconquer]

1: But I Can’t Control My Mind

Betty constantly asked herself what the banner of the Cooper-Blossom house would look like. Of course the pure gold of the Cooper and the crimson of Blossom houses would definitely make an appearance. The colours would not clash, however the sigil would be more tricky. The golden sun would be pretty and possibly work well with the infinity sign. Maybe the reason for her queries was because she was trying to not think about the fact that the Coopers and Blossoms, rival families for centuries, would be joined together after their son got her older sister pregnant. The blonde hated the Blossom twins. Cheryl Blossom was entitled and manipulative while Jason Blossom just seemed so untrustworthy--she prayed that her future niece or nephew wouldn't turn out like Jason. The other downside was that her parents seemed to stop paying attention to her. Hal and Alice were too busy pampering over Polly's needs and entertaining Clifford and Penelope Blossom who were staying with them until the wedding. Betty was not pleased to have to deal with Cheryl every single day. Just like how Betty wasn't pleased to deal with this party. Her mother thought it would be a great idea to invite a whole bunch of other royal families over to celebrate the joining of House Blossom and House Cooper months before the actual wedding. She heard that Archibald Andrews or as she affectionately referred to him as Archie and Kevin Keller would be attending and she was glad there would be some familiar faces around. Luckily she wasn't asked to greet guests, that was Polly and Jason's job. She was just supposed to stand there while she, Princess Elizabeth Cooper, would be complimented by way too many nobles that desperately wanted her affections.

The first hour of her evening was spent with Kevin, the two of them danced together clumsily mostly because Betty was not the best dancer and Kevin was too busy dreamily staring off at one of the guards named Moose. Betty saw a flash of red hair that wasn’t like the Blossom’s at all. And all she thought about was how happy she was to see her other childhood best friend at the party. The blonde desperately wanted to go over and talk to him when she realized he was talking to a very gorgeous short brunette. Had Betty seen her before? She wasn’t sure. But she looked very familiar, however; she couldn’t put her finger on exactly who it was. Her eyes couldn’t leave her, to say that she didn’t look strange while staring at her was an understatement. Just as her face turned in her direction, she let out a quiet gasp yet very audible to Kevin. It was Veronica, and she was beyond pleased to see the only person who knew how to cheer her up--even if she did forget what she looked like for a split second. Her gaze moved to Jason and Polly, who acted as if they were madly in love, while her parents watched on lovingly. Betty felt like she was going to be sick and excused herself from the room. She couldn’t stand to be in the same room with her sister and her fiancé who was barely a good fit for her older sister. Now she was standing alone in one of the many corridors, fists clenched as her fingernails smoothly ran across her palm. Her motions stopped when she heard footsteps and she turned her head towards the noise. “Ronnie,” she breathed her friend’s nickname as she shuffled over to her, engulfing the smaller girl in a hug. “I shouldn’t have left so soon. I was too caught in my head, you didn’t have to come find me. But I’m...glad you’re here.”