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adezahnae · 4 years ago

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While Mommy’s on a Little Trip (Part 3)

A/N: HELLOO!! TODAY IS PART 3!! sadly this mini-series will be ending soon🥺 I hope you enjoy☺️

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 2.5 | Part 3 | Part 4

Warnings: NSFW, smut, cheating, secrets, angst?, oral (fem. receiving), public sex, dirty talk, spanking, squirting, creampie, fingering, stepdaughter!student!reader x dilf!stepdad!mathteacher!jaehyun ft. dilf!boss!doyoung

Tagged Ppl: @softieekayy @seungmoomin @keeach @seoyutayong @whoreforshuaaa @mrg-jjh

Your POV

I felt someone poking my cheek making me scrunch my nose. “Baby...Baby wake up..” I heard Mr. Jung whisper. I opened my eyes to see his beautiful smile. I smiled back. “Good Morning..” He said in his morning voice, making me shiver. “G-Good Morning, Daddy..” I said. He kissed my forehead. I turned over to see the time 10:23am on the clock. I gasped. “Daddy! School we’re-“ “Baby, it’s Saturday.” He said.

I breathed out and laid back down. “Then why did you wake me up? I was dreaming.” I pouted. “About me and you, I know.” He said. I cocked my head. “How?” I asked sitting up. “You moaned in your sleep the same words you said when we first fooled around.” He smirked. I blushed and looked away embarrassed. He laughed at me. “Aww Princess, it’s okay. I still think about that day as well..” He said pulling me into his lap. “Really?” I asked. He nodded his head. He put a kiss to my lips but I back away, scurrying off of him.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. “I have Morning breath..” I mumbled. He smiled at my cuteness. “Well, go and get ready. I’m taking you out for the day.” He said getting out of bed. “Where are we going?” I asked. “Firstly, for food because I’m starving and then, wherever you like.” He smiled. I squealed and jumped on him, hugging him.

“Thank you!!” I said. I jumped off of him and ran down to my room. “Daddy loves me!!” I yelled going down the halls. After I got dressed, I went downstairs and grabbed my bag. “I’m ready!” I said. He was already by the door, looking good as ever. He wore a black T-Shirt with black skinny jeans and black shoes, along with dressing it up with his sliver necklace and watch along with a black hat.

“Come on, Princess.” He said opening the door for me. We got in the car and fastened our seatbelts. I was about to kiss him on the cheek, but he turned his head, making me kiss him on the lips. I giggled and hit his arm. He smiled and pulled off. We rode pass many buildings on the city watching the sun reflect off of them. Just me and him. No one to stop us from loving each other...

Mia POV

“Doyoung..yes...” I moaned gripping his hair. He hummed against me, sending vibrations through my body. This is so wrong...lying to my daughter and husband about going on a business trip, knowing that I’m here, sleeping with my boss. He looked up at me with such lustful eyes making me forget about my guilt. He pulled away and came back up to kiss me. He then looked away. “What’s wrong?” I asked sitting up.

“Are you thinking about him?” He asked me with his jaw clenched. I stuttered. “N-No, I-“ “Then why do you have the look of guilt on your face?” Doyoung asked. I looked away from him, sighing. “Do you love him?” He asked now looking at me. I avoided his gaze. It’s no secret that I love Jaehyun. He’s a great father and husband to me and my daughter. I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but I’m hurting him. By cheating on him with his best friend.

Doyoung scoffed got off the bed. “Doyoung wait.” I said grabbing his hand. “What, Mia?” He replied back. “Don’t leave me...I need you..” I said. “Then if you need me, say it.” He said sternly. He gripped my chin and looked at me. “Say it, Mia. Tell me that you want me and that you need me..” he ordered. I looked in his eyes, taking his thumb in my mouth, sucking on it. I pulled away and told him. “I want you and I need you, Doyoung. I love you, only you...” He placed a kiss on my lips and laid me back down. “Good...” He mumbled against my neck.

“I’m taking you back home tomorrow and you are packing your things and coming with me.” He said. I breathed out. “Okay..” I whispered. He laid down on the bed pulled me on top of him. “Show me how much you love me..” He smirked. I smiled back and leaned down to give him a kiss. “Yes sir..”

Your POV

“Do you like this one, Princess?” He asked me holding up a red dress. I walked towards him and smiled. “I do, but don’t you think you’ve bought enough?” I asked. He chuckled at me and grabbed the dress anyway going to the cash register, ready to check out of the store. “Daddy!” I said following behind him. “I can never spend too much when it comes to you.” He said pinching my cheek. I huffed and grabbed my allowance.

“Here.” I said handing him the money. He looked at me confused. “Sweetheart what’s this?” He asked. “My allowance for the past month. It’s $105. Just use it to pay for it.” I said. He scoffed and smiled. He took the money and pulled out his wallet. He pulled out 5 $100 dollar bills and handed it to me along with my allowance. “Here.” He said.

I looked a him with disbelief. “Dad-“ “You take it and go find two more pairs of shoes or whatever you want to spend it on.” He said. “But I-“ “Princess, are you going against Daddy’s orders?” He asked in warning tone. I shook my head. “No Daddy..” He replied. “Good, now go and get what you want.” He smiled. I hugged him and ran off to the shoe aisle.

As I was looking at shoes, I heard someone calling me. “Hey! Hey Y/n!” They said. I turned in the direction the voice came from and seen the same boy from my class who tried to give me his number. I sighed. “What is it, Adam?” I asked looking at shoes. “What are you doing here?” He asked. I looked at him. “Adam you need to go, like now.” I said. “Why?” He asked getting closer while looking around. “Because I’m here with my dad now go! You know what he said in class! He doesn’t play about that stuff!!” I exclaimed, nervously still peeking in his direction. He was too busy looking at more clothes so he couldn’t really see me. Adam laughed.

“What? I can handle our big, buff and bad teacher.” He said exaggerating his voice. I laughed at little at his joke attempt. “Oh! A smile..I finally made you smile.” He said smiling back. We were then having a small conversation until I heard footsteps behind me.

I turned around seeing that it was Mr. Jung. I gasped. “Daddy I-“ “Come here, Y/n.” He said calmly. I rushed to his side and seen him approaching Adam. “Dad, he’s okay.” I said. “Adam, where’s your phone?” Mr. Jung asked completely ignoring me. Adam felt around for his phone, not getting a sign that his phone was on him. Mr. Jung pulled Adam’s phone from his pocket. He then looked at the text messages and showed them to me. I took the phone and read them.

Adam: I’m gonna get Y/n you just wait!

Ethan (Friend): You still haven’t gotten in her pants?

Adam: No! But I will!

Ethan: No you lost the bet! You haven’t fucked her yet so...

Adam: I will! Just give me two more days!

Ethan: Fine. Time is ticking😈

I looked at Adam with disbelief. “You tried to just get into my pants?!” I asked walking up to him, but Mr. Jung held me back. “Y/n! I wasn’t trying to-“ I threw his phone at him. “Go to hell Adam! Don’t you ever talk to me again!” I yelled. I walked off away from Adam. “You bitch-“ Before he could finish the sentence, Mr. Jung punched him in his mouth.

I ran over to grab Mr. Jung and pulled him away from Adam. “Let’s go, Daddy! Come on!” I said going to the cash register. I put the boxes of shoes on the top, letting the cashier scan the clothes. “$1,295 dollars and 56 cents.” He said. Mr. Jung pulled out his credit card and handed to the cashier.

The cashier looked at me and smiled. “That guy back there was for sure wrong..” He said. I nod. “I know.” I replied. “If you were my girlfriend, I would never let that happen to you. Ever..” He said grabbing my hand. I smiled but then I froze and looked at Mr. Jung, who was burning holes in his eyes. Mr. Jung took he card back, along with the clothes. “Excuse me, but we’re not done shopping.” He said.

He took my hand and led me to the back where the dressing rooms were. He pushed me in the room and closed the door and locked it. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Pull your pants and panties down, don’t make me tell you twice.” He said pulling off his hat and shirt. I pulled down my pants and panties waiting for his next instructions.

He walked up to me pushed me again the wall. He kissed on my neck and made his way down my chest. His hands went to my button up shirt and ripped my shirt open half and half. I gasped. “Daddy-“ “I’ll buy you a new one Princess.” He mumbled against my chest. He made his way to my heat. He took my legs and put them on his shoulders. He gave my clit a kiss, flicking his tongue over it. I gasped out and grabbed his hair. He made patterns with his tongue and licked a long slow stripe along my entire heat. He took two of his fingers and teased my hole, then pushing them in.

“D-Daddy..so good...” I whispered. He sped up his pace, bring me closer and closer to my high. He looked up at me and sucked on my clit. “I-I’m...Ohhhh!” I moaned. I reached my high and he pulled away. He stood up and tapped the back of my legs. “Jump.” He ordered. I jumped and his picked me up, placing me on the wall again. He unbuckled his pants and pulled them down just enough to let himself free.

He slammed me down on his member, making me scream out. Luckily, it was just me and him back here. He started at a brutal pace, making me cry out. “Wait! I-It’s too much!” I said tapping his shoulder but clearly enjoying the pace. “It seems like my Princess needs to be reminded that she’s mine and no else’s.” He grunted going harder than before. He took my arms and pinned them against the wall above me. I whimpered out at the pace.

He put me down and turned me around. “Hands on the wall.” He ordered. I put my arms on the wall and arched my back, the way he liked it. He gave me a smack on the ass and re-entered himself, still a brutal pace. He groaned out and gripped on my hair, yanking it a little. “Harder! Yank my hair harder!” I begged. He yanked my hair harder, making me clench around him, signaling that I was close. He bent down to my ear. “Don’t you even think about cumming right now. I mean that.” He ordered in a low voice.

I whimpered and pushed myself back on him, wanting it more harder than before. He slowed his pace really, really slow. I whined. “Daddy~” I said pushing back. He smacked me on my butt. “Beg for it.” He ordered. “I want it!!” I whined. “That’s not enough, Princess. I need more.” He smacked me on my butt again. “Please! Oh please Daddy, I need it. I want you to fuck me hard! Harder than before, please!! Plesseee!!” I whined shaking my butt back onto him. He spanked me again and went at a hard and fast pace. I whined out in pleasure.

“I’m so clossssee!” I said. “To whom you belong to?” He whispered in my ear. “Daddy! I belong to you daddy! Only you!” I ranted. “Cum.” He ordered. He kept hitting my spot as came, causing me to squirt. I cried tears as he continued to slam his hips against mines. He came after me with groans and growls. He rode out our highs and pulled out. Once he did, our cum ran down my legs, causing me to shake. He kissed me on my back and shoulders giving praise. “Good job, Princess..good job..” He mumbled.

My body stood still, shivering at the littlest touch. He looked in my bag and pulled out tissues. He cleaned up the mess on my legs and pussy and on the floor. He placed them in the trash can and grabbed my clothes. He placed my legs in the panties and slipped them on me along with my pants.

He dressed himself back up, looking as if he didn’t just have sex in a dressing room. “Stay right here.” He said. He walked out of the dressing room and grabbed a pretty black button up shirt from the rack, went to the cashier and paid for it and came back to me. He put in on me and buttoned it up for me. I gave him a weak smile. “Thank you...” I mumbled. He kissed on my forehead and smiled. “You’re welcome.”

He fixed my messy hair and he picked me up and put me on his back. He grabbed my bag and clothes, carrying me to the cash register. She rung us up to over $1,000 dollars. He happily paid and I grabbed the bags. And us leaving the store. I giggled as he ran down the sidewalk with me on his back.

#jaehyun smut #nct smut #nct 127 smut #nct x reader #jaehyun nct #nct #nct 127 #jaehyun

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ringmyheart · 4 years ago

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Can I request Vin Jin boyfriend headcanons and some fluff? (You don't have to force yourself)

(This and the other vin jin rq were merged!)

Honestly the way I see it, it doesn’t matter if you’re a very calm person or outgoing person. No matter what this relationship is gonna end up being considerably chaotic

He ropes you into everything he does. Doesn’t matter if u r a design student or an architecture student or if ur on the opposite side of the school from him, u r practically in his class. Dating him is like signing a contract sealing away ur own life bc he makes it a point to be ALWAYS w u

In class he doesn’t gaf if the teacher has ur seat on the other end of class, he is somehow finding a way to sit next to u against ur will or not. And when the teacher moves u two away from eachother INTENTIONALLY bc of this, he is threatening whoever happened to sit next to u to trade seats w him. He will go as far as to dress up as them to make it look like they’re them to be next to u and he’s so dramatic ab it.... being away from u felt like u were star crossed lovers whom the world was fiercely against

And if UR against this cuz ur tired of getting in trouble in class, or if you reject any of his advances, he’s gonna be really, really, really offended. He will at first sputter and be kinda shy and embarrassed about it, before he goes “fine! Have fun on your own without me, the greatest thing in your fucking life!”

He move seats back and will glare at you periodically every five minutes to pavlov dog you so that every five minutes every day, even when he’s not there, you feel the burning stare of vin jin

If you’re his s/o, he’ll buy you a matching pair of sunglasses so ur the freshest looking couple around Seoul (they’re hideous and thick but he thinks u look fly)

The glasses don’t have nearly as many layers as his does for himself so u can see, and u wonder how he managed to make them just as bulky and if he did it on purpose to sabotage u. Like “did u make my glasses purposefully ugly so no one else will want me?”

U have to dodge a punch after saying anything like that ab his fashion decisions LMAOAO

He’s rlly proud of u two matching. With the glasses and anything in general. He’ll make you wear a jacket matching his, or the same shoes and he will stop people in the hall and be like “wait. Notice anything cool ab us today?? Cooler than normal??”

And when they don’t respond he boasts “that’s right!! Me and my other half r matching. Look at us and weep, losers.” He thinks u two look so good....... if ur enthusiastic ab wearing matching things too he is elated u have to pray that tomorrow he won’t show up w another “if lost return to Vin Jin” “I’m Vin Jin” pair of jackets or anything of the like bc it happens SO OFTEN

And on the topic of sharing when it’s cold he likes to share jackets and blankets w u. Ur desks r moved by eachother by vin jin himself and u two share one blanket over u and shiver bc he just likes it, sharing w u plus he’s slightly warmer. And yes if you guys had indivizual blankets you would be warmer, but u guys have to struggle together he doesn’t care what anyone says (yes even ur protests ur sharing that one blanket wether he has to wrap it around u himself and tear up the one u brought on ur own or what”

He is so blind in love that he cannot tell when u guys suck at stuff. Like if ur in the wrong he doesnt care ur RIGHT and he’s taking that to the grave. He can belittle u and call u out but if someone else says ur in the wrong it’s on sight

Will die protecting ur name even when ur the one who was genuinely wrong

He forces u to make a beat for him to rap to. He loves rapping and wants to enjoy it w u, so ur forcefed YouTube videos of how to beatbox so u can be his bgm and eventually u probably just start to enjoy it to

And u always start a beat and he starts busting out rhymes and it’s SO BAD. It doesn’t matter if ur good at beatboxing if vin Jin is on the track w u it’s gonna sound terrible he brings the quality down immensely but u two just cannot tell

Like after a two session ur like “omg... that was so good. We should go pro?” “Fuck yea we should we’re better than those posers” “we could rlly make it in the industry fr” no u absolutely could not

During the school festival, u sang with him and it was SO bad. Half the crowd is gonna have 2 be hospitalized but u two had FUN up on the stage

Like I said, he has absolute faith in u. All u do is right. If ur driving a car for the first time, he is going to be ur little hype man doesn’t matter if u suck. U hit a curb and he went “YES babe!! Ur killing it cant wait till u hit the road bby” Ur not allowed to touch a car for the next two years now bc he kept cheering u on when u we’re doing CLEARLY wrong things

On a plane u r looking for the bathroom like pensively and u see a handle and look back and r like “is this it???” And vin jin thinking u r all righteous will go “yea babe go for it” and u open it and u depressurizate the cabin immediately

Now both on like 5 no fly lists

He loves to do things with u, like I mentioned earlier, and things he wouldn’t do alone he’ll do w u. Like drawing alone?? Boring. Drawing w Y/N??!!! Who knows what could happen..... so much fun could ensue. Maybe he will draw u cutely. Maybe he will draw u so ugly u will be forced to engage in a fight.

He likes to play just dance w u and compete for the “greats/all star!” Little titles above, and it becomes like a Friday night ritual for u two to turn just dance on and just go at it. But sometimes he’ll get too intense and suddenly he’s actually fighting for the chance to beat u. Will trip u so u lose on purpose

He makes u listen to him sing and rap to u. And u try to leave and he hugs tightly and is like LISTEN IFS FOR U, DONT BE UNGRATEFUL and now u have to listen

He makes u a mixtape of songs he made himself and they are all considerably worse than “remember the times we had”. It’s uploaded on SoundCloud and all the comments r hate and u listen to it a lot bc u know he loves u sm he made u a mixtape ya ur gonna play that but everyone else hates it w a passion

Like the comments r like:

Daniel: well.... it’s definitely a song 😅 I’m glad you love (y/n) so much!

Duke: he’s not making it out the hood 😐

Zach: never let this man in a studio AGAIN

Mary: this should’ve stayed in the CD

(Y/N): love it! 😍

Zoe: kill your producer 💀

Mira: ...

He’s overprotective too

If someone looks at u for more than a second he’ll go “what?? U think she is hot, huh? I’ll kick ur ass fucking perv.... cmon babe let’s go”

Will throw his arm around u and streer u the opposite way of any potentially good looking ppl to keep ur eyes on him

Oh Daniel is coming?? What a coincidence u and vin Jin suddenly have to turn the corner to the other way of ur classroom for some reason

Eli is near?!!! Oh no u just got milk spilt in ur eye!! Oh no now he has to wipe ur eyes and u two have to leave the cafeteria whatever will he do

It’s not that he doesn’t have faith in u, he doesn’t have faith in other men. Like he thinks they r all competition, and doesn’t doubt ur loyalty rather doubts how good he can b for u

WILL beat someone up for u. If someone smokes while ur around suddenly his fists r swinging at them cuz even if u smoke or vape urself no one else can get that stuff in ur lungs but YOU or HIM!!

If ur crossing the street and a car almost hits u, it’s the cars fault and he’s kicking the license plate and cursing it out for almost touching u “stupid fucking piece of metal”

Is the type of boyfriend to call u when he knows ur in an Uber and be like “babe u got ur gun w u right?? Oh don’t forget ur BOMB and ur MACHETE!! Yeah just left the house I killed some ppl nbd haha anyways HRU what’s ur Uber driver like” so the driver of ur car won’t even think ab kidnapping u. He has got ur back even when u do not want it

He doesn’t want u to see his eyes, so he’ll tell you to look away so he can take his glasses off and look at u in full color in all ur glory but he never tells u WHY he’s telling u to look away u think it’s a weird thing of his, or he’s insecure ab his face which is partially true but really he’s taking his glasses off and just looking at u. Adoringly.....

He hates PDA. He loves PDA. Do u see his dilemma

Like he loves PDA but doesn’t want anyone seeing him vulnerable even u.... so he’ll hold ur hand and be like “EWWW WHAT R U DOING GET YR HAND OFF MINE”

If u take the lead THATS best bc he can blame it on u and it’s ur fault he HAS to lock fingers w u cuz u did it to him first and he has an excuse to touch u and v like u started this im just sending u ur own energy back 😤

The type to be just like blind, overwhelmed in love. Always thinks ab u, always wants to be w u, worries ab u a lot and frets over u without showing it.... he hates it and loves it to death. Despises it but wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world

Eats lunch w u in the cafeteria and if u sit w someone else u r the ultimate traitor and he will trash talk u to hide his hurt to Mary the entire lunchtime. Kinda possessive.... wants u to also only think about him

WOULDNT EVER fight u for real. Play fights occur VERY often, like pillow fights, tripping ur foot when u say a joke insulting him, grabbing ur collar but he would sooner die than lay a finger on u

Verbal fights happen a lot and if he ever like LOSES it he may lash out and almost hit u and follow thru. I don’t think he’d be able to catch himself that quickly, and if he ever did he’d regret it for the rest of his life. Literally until the day dies he will take it to his grave

He may not sputter out apologieswill just look at u incredulously and then at his hands because what had he done? What did he just do? To you???????? (Y/n))))?????? His (y/n)??? Light of his life?

Will apologize probably over text or through a note or call, and if u don’t respond he is consumed by regret and tries to find u instantly like runs back to ur place

If u forgive him he feels bad still, because does he deserve it? And he might just isolate himself for a bit bc he can’t face u and if it left a scar he is dead inside. It kills him, literally

I could go on w this but I’ll probably save it for another separate pair of hcs later 😭

If u guys ever break up he will fight for u again and won’t stop till ur back together like flowers in ur locker every day, chocolate give during lunch, etc. He wont ever give up hope that he can win u over again and be w u again. He would keep trying, when he wakes up his first thought is ur name in a cold panic bc he can’t rest easy till ur his again and he will try and show off and poorly serenade u and trash his price and be corny and cheesy to get u back

Will set up a performance w the school to let him rap w a mic during lunch for u and he’s saying bars like “(read in bad rapping voice w inconsistent beat) (y/n), love of my life, uh, without you I’d die, uh. Please won’t you take me back? Yuh, without you ima have a heart attack. (Wha!). (Y/n), love of my life, yeah, without you I’m in strife, yup! Please be mine again, (babe), I can never rest till then.”

If the embarrassment doesn’t make u take him back so he’ll pls stop, and when he stands up on the lunch tables to do a little performance doesn’t do it either, then the odd sincerity of his voice and pain in his look (even tho while rapping he sticks out his lower lip in a weird pout) definitely, hopefully will

U make everything worth it !! Truly the light of his life

I hope these were what u wanted, I just had fun w them and wrote stuff that came off the top of my head when I thought of VJ!! ❤️

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althephie · 4 years ago

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𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 - 𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐤𝐞𝐢𝐣𝐢

to 100-0

like so sad

do i feel bad for doing this to yall yes. but i am curel to myself too! so have fun!

𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 - 𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐤𝐞𝐢𝐣𝐢

- akaashi took advantage of his childhood friend y/n knowingly, and ghosted her for someone else.

I got my driver's license last week

her e/c looked out of the front of her car watching herself drive past down her street.

Just like we always talked about 'Cause you were so excited for me

the female could feel her eyes watering as her tears stream down her face wetting it. reminding her of the day that she found the love of her life with someon else. oh how much she cried that day.

she wanted to punch his stupid perfect face

perfect eyes

perfect body

perfect everything

akaashi was just perfect.

that it was too good to be true

To finally drive up to your house But today I drove through the suburbs Crying 'cause you weren't around

y/n was so heartbroken when she saw him at their favorite cafe with someone else. he had ghosted her for the past 2 weeks and barely contacted her. they were dating still and it hurt her.

on a very cold winter day, she decided to go get some coffee. instead of happy memories rushing in the heartache did.

And you're probably with that blonde girl Who always made me doubt She's so much older than me

she was a pretty blonde foreign girl, who was tall and had beautiful green eyes. she was definitely older than y/n and akaashi. she was mature. she had a perfect body.

she was perfect.

perfect eyes

perfect body

perfect everything.

the blonde was also just perfect.

She's everything I'm insecure about Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs 'Cause how could I ever love someone else?

the h/c was driving mindlessly as despair surged into her body as if it was her only life support. the only thing that kept her alive was her own depression.

ironic isn't it?

the thing that killed many, made her stay alive.

And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone

another round of tears flooded her eyes as a sinking feeling in her chest bloomed. she remebered confronting him alone.

he kept a straight face.

his once warm eyes were now cold.

he looked at her with such disgust and annoyance.

it broke y/n...it made her feel so insecure.

so useless

so stupid

all the dark-haired male had to say was....

" bye."

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Lifeless e/c eyes looked and examined the house that he lived in remebering all the times they had in his front yard.

the small cheesy picnics

the snowball fights with their friends

the stargazing

the pictures they took of each other.

the warm feeling of the sun touching their skin while their hearts skipped a beat each time they touched or made eye contact.

And all my friends are tired Of hearing how much I miss you, but I kinda feel sorry for them

her friends

their friends

they did not know about his girlfriend, until they all reunited during spring break of her 2nd year of college. instead of seeing y/n and akaashi being lovey dovey. they saw akaashi and some girl.

who even was she?

y/n’s once lively self was dull and stoic. usually she would jump into bokutos arms and fangirl over how cute hinata was still, but instead they all received a fake smile. it broke their hearts and angered many.

'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do, yeah Today I drove through the suburbs And pictured I was driving home to you

bokuto, the one who introduced you two as children was offended. she was his cousin. he asked akaashi for his reasons without anyone knowing. akaashi just looked away and shrug.

And I know we weren't perfect But I've never felt this way for no one, oh

“ i didn’t feel the spark anymore, but when i met Kila. she became the sun in my eyes. she is so bright and gorgeous. she is just...amazing….”

“ y/n was just the moon during a winter sky. cute but dull and boring. she could be bright, but did not stand out, i guess ”

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

in that moment, akaashi’s grey-blue eyes widened when he saw a fist coming straight to his face. Akaashi fell to the floor and looked up at his senpai in shock.

he had never seen bokuto look that scary before. instead of going into emo mode, he went into pissed off mode. His eyes piercing into the younger males soul

the nerve

Red lights, stop signs I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

“ WE ARE ALL CHILDHOOD FRIENDS!! SHE LOVED YOU!! AKAASHI” the white-haired male shouted with tears running down, “ YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BROTHER!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD NEVER HURT HER!! YOU ASSHOLE!”

“ Y/N IS NOT DULL!! SHE IS NOT JUST CUTE! SHE IS FUCKING GORGEOUS WAY BETTER THAN THAT STUPID BLONDE YOU HAVE NOW!! “

unknowest to them, y/n was sitting against the wall of the building the two had met up and cried silently.

“ YOU-Yo...You promised me...you promised.”

bokuto weeps falling onto his knees infront of his bestfriend.

he promised to take care of her and love her

to never hurt her

and he failed

“ i guess her light is to bright that it...*choke* it blinded you akaashi....it blinded you from seeing her beauty.”

Can't drive past the places we used to go to 'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

this y/n shook her head and woke up from her daydreaming. she did not know that she stopped the car in front of his house for a minuts. the s/c female sighed shakingly and pushed on the pedal to continue on going.

she needed to move on...but she knew she would never.

Sidewalks we crossed I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing

she continued on driving more hearing his laugh ringing in her ears as memories kept on flushing through. she hoped he was happy

she hoped it was worth it for him

losing all his friends

losing his bestfriend

losing her

Over all the noise God, I'm so blue, know we're through But I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

present y/n looked up with a microphone in hand as she watched the audience infront of her sing the lyrics.

they all looked at her with eyes of support

the same ones her friends and family gave her as she tried to move one

y/n broke down smiling and blowing kisses at her fans as she sang her song

I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one

she was letting it out

she finally moved one

she wanted everyone to know that she was inlove once to and that no one is alone.

she felt free and happy

and...she got her drivers license. yeah, she was 20 years old, and should have gotten it earlier, but she had him...she had him to take her away from here.

now she has herself and her license

one that they planned to get it together after akaashi said that she needed one even if she sucked at driving. it made the two laugh.

now that was just a memory

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone

she sung softly

not noticing a pair of grey-blue eyes staring up at her with awe. the girl he called “ dull and boring” was far from that, he was blind.

her brightest was so bright that it made him blind.

“ whoever broke y/n like that it stupid”

“ right? when she said that her ex ghosted her and left her for someone else it was so sad! they were childhood friends too!”

“ his lost.”

“ it was your lost akaashi.” he muttered to himsef watching the female laugh and cry at the song, she wrote about their love story.

'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

she finally felt free after writing this song, but her love for the boy was still there. first love is hard fo forget of course. it’s the one that hurts the most.

she was not perfect

he was not either

it took him to realize how much he needed her

when he let her go

akaashi was wrong

she was bright

she was not dull

he was just blind to it all...

blinded by her beauty

blinded by her personality

and her glow

that it made him ignorant to it all.

maybe his beautiful y/n was too bright for him

too bright for him to handle.

as i said sorry but not sorry T-T

i am also crying tbh. if yall are.

bc idk why i hate it when ppl cheat but i keep reading angsty fanfics about it bc they are so good. don't cheat ppl it hurts

i will be uploading more on my masterlist soon! so watch out!

#akaashi x reader #akaashi angst #akaashi keiji #reader #reader insert #akaashi oneshot #haikyuu!!#haikyu x reader #bokuto #hinata #haikyuu #haikyuu oneshot #x reader #one shots #angst #haikyuu angst #fanfic

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icharchivist · 3 years ago

Note

cries think I made my ask too long so like half of it got deleted bc I typed it right into the askbox. anyways. I come bearing a3 thoughts! at first i was gonna watch the spring/summer and autumn/winter ones and then give my thoughts on both but. turns out i had too many thoughts lol? which i shouldve expected but i actually kind of... got bored by the first two chapters of this event! so i skipped and went to the stranger. and then went back. (1/?)

and then i got to like "tsuzuru and kazunari are having a fight?" and jumped on that like a starving wolf bc helllll yeah! i rly adored kazunari in sardine search, i think he was great! hes just so nice and has good vibes. he and taichi are kind of similar i feel? but i think their respective ages contribute to a lot of difference in their characters. why does it feel like this askbox limit personally wants me dead. (2/?)

anyways! i rly enjoyed the improv scene devolving to a real fight. admittedly i was kinda surprised that the content of that improv wasnt rly too similar to their actual fight? like normally a3 has the story of the play run parallel to like the actual real character drama so i thought the improv might function as the play in this event... it was still good tho. the scene i mean. (3/?)

also i rly liked tenma ragging on them afterwards. like he was mean but. first i adore tenma. second he just felt like. a different meddling type to muku lol? like the vibes he gave me were always like... im going to be a considerate leader and watch out for the ppl under me! therefore im gonna make sure theyre doing fine! aggressively. i think tenmas also just like a friendly person who likes to take care of others in general? like im not saying hes omi or anything but just like. (4/?)

that time he offers his car ride to juza so they can go to school together like hes surprisingly open compared to his initial prickliness. also ive got thoughts abt the tenma juza SSR conversation thing i read. one day ill make a tenma and juza fic and complete a trifecta haha... but thats something for another day! back to the actual story. the way tsuzuru dives right in after kazunari! that was so nice. like its easy to see how much they care abt each other. (5/?)

to the point where like even while theyre fighting theyre like angry but still like fairly quiet bc i think theyre both at least trying to be considerate of each other. ah the moment kazunari didnt respond to tsuzuru trying to talk to him i KNEW he was sick tho. felt proud of myself for calling that one but also the reason i knew is bc i have used the "character being sick during an argument causing them both to make up with each other" trope myself before so uh. like recognizes like haha. (6/?)

anyways the cg there was fuckin beautiful like kazunari looks so sad in the middle bit but then u see his shy smile? like hes sick but hes also like. happy to be there. idk. lovely. i adore kazu i think hes just deeply sweet to other people. tsuzuru telling him "you make everyone around you feel as bright and cheery as the things you design” is so wonderful too (7/?)

now im thinking. ah tsuzuru probably feels quite drained after a script and such (i know i am when i finish any piece--its like the emotions just rush out of me) so i like to think that like yknow. kazunari dropping by his room or whatever helps him set himself back to normal! but also when tsuzurus like oh u left ur magazines here! i suddenly remembered. wait shit kazunari and tsuzuru arent even roommates. wonder how much they bother masumi lmaooo. anyways overall very good story! (8/?)

some more thoughts: itaru and citron were so cute in this event! just like. citron saying itaru winking makes his heart skip a beat and itaru quoting citrons wrong sayings (which. i am also guilty of today i told my brother "we'll jump that bridge when we cross it" so) also i love how yuki is like "thank god i wasnt partnered with that hack" but like. yuki. u could literally just not talk about him. like its so funny to me yuki is like wow i hate tenma but he wont shut up abt him haha (9/?)

i also was a lil taken aback at hearing itaru go "for the lulz" tbh... like it fits him. but im mad it fits him? anywaysss thats all i had for this one! im gonna watch autumn/winter and go say my thoughts on that soon. sorry the ask was so broken up, idk what happened!

OLA FRIEND! Glad to see your thoughts again omg :3c

tho omg the fact tumblr deleted it all + the ask limit was all so evil D: poor friend.

I'm putting my answer under a read more because. Well. *waves hand* it got long.

The non-play events can be perhaps a little harder to get into because unlike the plays events that you start with a clear idea of at least the main plot (re: "they are preparing a play, i know the leads so i know who it will focus on"), non-plays events take a little longer to first set up what event they're participating in, how to prepare for it, and then bring up the conflict and which characters are going to have something to do with said conflict. So i can understand that they're a little harder to get into when we know the plays awaits.

On top of that, the first few events still were a bit tame because since it was early when the app released, i think they didn't go too heavy at once in case some people were still stuck on earlier chapters (esp since especially Winter is hard to unlock)

ANYWAY glad that it sucked you in on the second read :3c

So glad you were invested in that conflict!

Totally agreeing with you about Kazunari, and very good point about Taichi as well! they aren't the Puppy Pair for nothing :'D (Yuki took one look at both of them together and just Knew. His suffering knows no end (lovingly)). But yeah i think they have a lot in common, they both are the really bright and friendly figure, both also started in overcompensating a bit because both wanted to be popular in some ways.

But we do have, on one hand, Kazunari who wanted that rather late in his life while Taichi always thrived for that, the fact Kazunari made friends easily and it's just that he was scared of getting to the next level, while Taichi always struggled with this quest for popularity. In a way too both of them were at least scared to share a part of them, Kazunari worrying to show his thoughts, and Taichi being a spy and all of that... which impacts them really differently considering the guilt it puts on Taichi. And then you add their age into the mix, especially the fact Kazu is the oldest of his troupe and Taichi the youngest of his, it makes them fairly similar all while being fairly different.

both are so interesting to me and i love them bothhh, so it's always nice to see them have focus.

admittedly i was kinda surprised that the content of that improv wasnt rly too similar to their actual fight? like normally a3 has the story of the play run parallel to like the actual real character drama so i thought the improv might function as the play in this event

i love how you are seeing the patterns a3 tends to do it's so neat!

It's true the fight isn't really similar to their actual fight, though i do love that they had "swapped" their personality for the act and ended up insulting each other for theirr swapped personality. Like, Kazunari insulted part of himself in Tsuzuru's character and Tsuzuru did the same?? and then the fight escalated and the way Kazunari broke character hurts bc it's really that Tsuzuru hit where it hurts. But yeah it still wasn't too relevent to their actual fight, though i think the thing is that their fight was as such mostly because they tend to clash often due to their personalities rather than just this singular reason why, so to have the play go more "it's their personalities the problem" kinda hurt lol. But yeah still agreed that it didn't reflect much on the plot itself

I was rereading the improv bit to answer correctly and man since we're going to talk about Tenma next, i just. Love that when Kazunari, breaking character, his eyes sad, tells Tsuzuru "you have no rights talking to me like that..." it then cuts on Tenma being upset. Bc like. Exactly like you say, he wants to look out for the people under him. and like. Kazunari is his friend. A friend he also snapped at once and insulted for being who he was, so he probably could have relived a bit of his fight with Kazunari seeing those two fights; Except that now Kazunari is one of his closest friend and he doesn't like that.

Also like. It was also because he could still hide under the plot of the improv but it's so rare, and it never happened before that point, that Kazunari stands for himself in a "the way you treat me is unfair"? Like again re: his fight with Tenma, when Tenma snapped at him, while Tenma was unfair with him, Kazunari took the blame, called himself annoying and all yaknow?

The fact Kazunari is starting to accept that he can take more place for himself is something the whole Summer Troupe have been trying to help him work on, but especially Tenma. Tenma is always there trying to push Kazunari to say what he means, to express his feelings, to stop hiding.

And for once, Kazunari does that in front of everyone... and it's because he's breaking because of his fight with Tsuzuru.

I think Tenma probably felt it was even more of a reason to get involved like, this is the thing he's been working on with Kazunari about, and now he's being all hurt about it, not on Tenma's watch!

And i totally agree with your take on Tenma! (and would LOVE to read the Tenma and Juza fic once you get to it :3c). I think, Tenma is really caring and is trying to take a place as a caretaker and all, but unlike Omi, he has absolutely no reference for it.

Omi is the eldest of multiple brothers and everything indicates his parents have always been lovely to him. Add to it how he ended up leader of a delinquent crew he was clearly looking after, Omi has a history of taking care of people, of nurturing them, and he knows what he's doing. Meanwhile Tenma grew up on TV sets, mostly surrounded by adults and not by people his age, mostly getting advice from being ordered around by directors i think. And his parents are distant, hyperfocused on their job, not really nursing with him. So Tenma meanwhile really didn't have a family emotional support and was in situation where he couldn't befriend other kids his age. His only reference was probably Igawa (his agent) and i think for a long time he didn't exactly see it, and Igawa remained mostly professional so there was probably the idea of it not being sincere? That Tenma had to grow out of.

So like, they're both extremely nurturing and caring, but my point is that Omi has experiences in it and is at ease with it, while Tenma has been so alone and in places were he had no support system that even if he wants to support others, he still struggles with how to do it because he has no set exemple. And that's his development in the main story arc, to learn from how Izumi shows she cares in order to care back at them all.

Like i mean the way Tenma yelled at them about their mistakes at first feel like he would have picked it up from some directors on TV set yaknow? Probably hearing them say that with no consequences on others actors, seeing it worked, didn't think "that's an abuse of power and the actors probably all think badly of their director for that" but "wow that works", tried it on his troupesmates and realized this is... not how that works. And it's spending time watching how Izumi encourages them that have him fix his way to approach it.

So yeah i got lost too into it but like. I feel you on Tenma i love him so much and i love his development so to see him get pissed and involved there? was really nice. even if he was aggressive about it. He's still learning.

ANYWAY back to Tsuzuru and Kazunari, totally agree with what you say next. They still care a lot about each other and yeah they're at a point where this consideration they have for each other make their anger more quiet than trying to attack one another (Banri could NEVER-). so yeah totally agree with you!

DLKFJDLKF i LOVE the reasoning on "recognizing that Kazunari was sick". Your writer's powers making you see through... *coughs* unlike Tsuzuru....

AND YEAH ALL YOU SAY ABOUT THE CG.. YEAH. Kinda crying thinking about it again now LDKJFLKDJF It's just. Everything about it is so soft and tender. The things Tsuzuru tells Kazunari are soo so sweet sobs. They're just adorable i love those kids. and also i feel you for Kazu he's just that great huh?

The whole set up about Kazu dropping by his room is so so cute! I love it! Like probably the very first time Tsuzuru braces himself because "oh no i'm not in the mood to stand mister hyperenergy himself" but Kazunari quickly adjust his energy so that Tsuzuru can just recharge without being overwhelmed. Yes it would drive Masumi completely nuts. Which i think is a plus for Tsuzuru like, hey, if Masumi gets annoyed once in a while it's a win. But yeah also i think that Tsuzuru and Kazunari should really have the Artistic Soldiarity of Students in Art school Probably Working Until Very Late To Complete Their Projects. Would love if at the end Tsuzuru gave it back yaknow?

but yeah their story was really nice i'm so glad you liked it! :D

oh god yeah Itaru and Citron were SO cute in it too, i also love the comments Citron makes about Itaru's winks. Just there flirting in front of everyone like those two embarrassing friends huh. (probably with Muku being all starry eyes considering he greatly admires both Itaru and Citron and, well, Romance.). And yeah i love how Itaru ends up so much into Citron's rhythm (and this idiom you said? is glorious actually, 10 points for you)

DLKFJDLKF what a call out toward Yuki. "yes i hate Tenma,no i won't shut up about him, also if YOU say you hate Tenma i'm going to stab you with my needles, have a nice fucking day.". I love their dynamics so much aha

And yeah Itaru is there cursing us the whole time with the fact he's the greatest nerd ever and it fits him perfectly. It makes me laugh so hard.

Thank you so much for having shared your thoughts there! it's always a blast to read through them and i dearly enjoyed it! (+ it makes me relive the event a little and it makes me soft!)

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! So glad you had so many thoughts about all of this, what a blast.

thank you for sharing, and looking forward the Autumn/Winter reactions :3c

Take care!

#ichareply #ichafantalks a3 #sonnets of beauty

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marveloussupernerd · 4 years ago

Text

Ice Cream - Vanderwood

Uhm so... this idea started w this being abo seven. Then about Unknown. And then about Vandy. Just to clarify, I know lots of different pronouns are thrown around for Vanderwood, but I’m playing the safe route and going by he/him because that’s what the creators said 😀 no judgement if you hc otherwise though! Sorry this is probably gonna be OOC bc I have not played another story so my interactions w him have been slim to none

Summary: You were just kind of... depressed today. With the hacker at large, Seven and Mary Vanderwood III have been tasked with watching you through security cameras. Kinda rough when you won’t leave your room and there aren’t cameras in there. Vanderwood tries to cheer you up

PSA: this lowkey deals w mental health but not explicitly ? Inspired by me bc I get depressed~ esp when I am PMSing (which I am doing now) and genuinely can’t get out of bed and do things (ppl are iffy on mental health so just to say I have been diagnosed and was given birth control to help... which honestly has helped a lil). So I thought this would maybe help me and hopefully some of you, Jesus Christ I’ve prob lost so many of you w all these announcements

You just... couldn’t get out of bed. You had been stuck inside for a few days now, watched over by Seven and Mary Vanderwood III via security cams. But not getting to go outside and have human interaction kinda sucked. And then all your work was stressful too. You just didn’t want to move. And so you didn’t.

You got dressed though. That was a good start. Granted it was in something that could also be considered pajamas, but it felt nice to change your clothes. Felt productive. You went back into bed.

How long had you spent in bed, scrolling mindlessly through social media and watching stupid YouTube videos? You looked at the time; it was 1 pm. You were lucky you had today off, but had hoped to be more productive today. Oh well.

Your video was interrupted. A call from Seven. It was probably important.

“Hey Seven!” You picked up, bringing your voice to its typical cheery state. “What’s up?”

“Are you okay?” The voice on the other line asked. You jumped; it was deep, much deeper than Seven’s, and very serious.

“Are you using a voice modifier?” You giggled. It felt nice to talk to someone.

“Huh? Oh, no. This isn’t Seven.”

You paused for a minute, raising an eyebrow. Your voice caught in the back of your throat. “Are you... the hacker?”

“No!” The voice sounded urgent.

“Tom? Seven’s childhood friend?”

“I’m not fully convinced he exists.” The voice replied, an edge to the voice making it sound like a joke.

“Honestly? Me neither.” You paused, trying to think of who it could be. “I fold. Who are you? And how’d you get Seven’s phone!?”

“Giving up that easily?” The voice was teasing you now. “I thought you’d do more than two guesses.” You huffed out a sigh, making sure your annoyance was heard. “Come on, who would have access to Seven’s phone?”

That literally made no sense though. “...Mary Vanderwood the III?”

“Is he calling me that to you too now?” The voice asked, clearly annoyed. “My name is not Mary Vanderwood the III, and I’m not Seven’s maid. I just go by Vanderwood.”

“Hi Vanderwood,” you greeted. “You’re... a dude?”

“Yes.” He sounded annoyed still. “I don’t know why he’s said all this stuff.”

You giggled. “Well, back to the beginning of the conversation. Why’d you ask if I was okay? Is anything suspicious happening?”

“You just... you haven’t left your bedroom yet.”

“Oh” was all you could say.

“Oh? Are you okay?”

“Yeah of course!” You figured you might as well explain yourself. “It’s just, uhm, I haven’t really wanted to get out of bed and be productive. Sort of a mental block.”

“Oh,” his voice was much more understanding now. “That sucks.”

“Yeah... I think it’s because I haven’t interacted with people in a while. Just kinda holed up in the apartment. Hard to stay motivated.” Why were you telling him all this? He just wanted to know if you were okay. He wasn’t your therapist. “Oops! Uhm, sorry. Didn’t mean to unload that all.”

“You’re okay. I’m... sorry to hear that.”

“I’ve dealt with it before so like... it’s fine. It’ll pass. There are way more pressing matters right now,” you brushed it off, shrugging even though you knew he couldn’t see you.

“Do you-“ he coughed. “Do you like ice cream?”

“Yes?” What a change of topic. “Who doesn’t?”

“Well, if you want something to do, do you wanna get ice cream? If you’re feeling up for it.” He sounded almost awkward. It was kind of sweet.

But still, more pressing issues at hand. “I don’t know if I should with the hacker and everything. Everyone has security but me and so I-“

“I work with Seven. I think I can protect you.”

“Think?” You teased.

“You know that’s not how I meant it. I know I could protect you if need be. If you don’t want to though that’s okay.”

“No!” You shouted. You covered your mouth immediately, embarrassed from your outburst. “No. I think that’d be really nice.”

“I can pick you up outside the apartment in like ten minutes? You don’t have to worry about getting dressed up nice or anything...”

This was all so sudden. “Oh, I guess you do know the address, huh.” You were more saying it to yourself than him. “Wait! What do you look like? So that I don’t get picked up by the hacker or anything.”

“Uh...” he seemed so confident, but very uncomfortable describing himself. “I’ve got brown hair. Kinda long? It goes down to my shoulders. You know what? The lining of my jacket is leopard print. That should help.”

You were silent. Leopard print?

“Don’t make fun of it.” You could hear the scowl in his voice. “Ten minutes. See you then.” He hung up before you could say goodbye.

He did say not to look nice. Which made sense, in retrospect, because he had seen you for the past few days lounging at home. There was no need to try to impress; he already knew how you looked on the norm.

So you grabbed a jacket, your phone, and your wallet (with pepper spray attached to it for good measure), and headed out.

You kind of felt like a hooker, standing out at the curb waiting for a car to drive up and get you. But, you pushed those thoughts out of your mind. You were getting real human interaction today thanks to Vanderwood.

He pulled up in a very standard car, definitely not one of Seven’s babes. He rolled down the window and called your name.

“Wait! Show me the lining of your jacket!” You requested. It felt ridiculous but it was important. You laughed nonetheless, as did he. He pulled the jacket up, showing the intricate pattern. You grinned and got in the car.

“Hi. Nice to meet you in person,” you started, looking over at him. He kept the window down as he drove, the sound from the car loud and the wind blowing through his hair.

“You too,” he shouted, trying to talk over the wind. “Nice day out, huh?”

You leaned your head slightly out the window, the cool breeze a nice offset to the warmth of the sun beating down on you. “Mhm,” you hummed.

Luckily the ice cream shop was only a few minutes away. Good thing too; you weren’t sure what to talk about. You benefited from the fact that most of your words were carried away with the wind; the conversation starters had sucked anyway. You just focused on his surprisingly good driving and the feeling of the sun.

He got out of the car and you quickly followed. He didn’t wait for you, just kept walking to the order window. You scrambled to catch up. “So what’s your favorite?” He asked, sensing you by his side without even having to look.

“Oh, uhm, I’ll have cookie dough. Always a solid choice. How about you?”

He turned to you, a smile on his face that contrasted frankly with the harsh lines of his features. “Dark chocolate raspberry.”

“I can’t tell if I’m surprised or if I expected that.” You let out a little ‘hm’ and shrugged your shoulders. He went up and ordered for the both of you.

“Oh, uh,” you reached into your wallet, but he brushed you off.

“Relax. I can pay for a $3 ice cream cone.”

Your eyes widened. You hadn’t realized that may insult him. “Oh! Uh, that’s not what I meant to insinuate. I’m sorry.”

He glanced over with that smile of his, brown eyes lighting up. Why did it make your heart flutter? You had literally just met the guy. You were such a goddamn simp.

He grabbed the ice creams and handed you yours, his gloved fingers brushing against your bare ones. It wasn’t even skin-to-skin contact! Why did you feel this way from something so small? You wanted to die right then and there. He suggested you eat in the car to maintain a low profile and you nodded, not trusting your own voice.

Were you supposed to talk? Or eat your ice cream? Or both? Your mind chose for you, as words stumbled out of your lips before you could even stop them. “So is Vanderwood your real name?” Idiot. Of course it isn’t!

“God no.” He sounded hard about it. It was hard to take him seriously while he was licking an ice cream cone like that. You tried to hide your laughter. “No, don’t laugh.” His voice wasn’t hard this time. He was almost begging you to go easy on him.

“No I’m sorry! I wasn’t laughing at your name. It’s just... it’s kind of funny when you sound all mad and annoyed but you look so cute eating your ice cream.” No!!!!! Did you just call him cute? This was going AWFUL. You should have stayed home.

“Well, you can make fun of my name. I obviously didn’t pick it. It’s stupid.” Maybe he hadn’t heard the last part of what you said, considering he didn’t bring it up? But why was he blushing?

“It’s not that bad. You could be named Mary Vanderwood the III,” you teased. He rolled his eyes. “Can I give you a nickname? Maybe make it less insufferable?”

“What, you think we’re going to be talking all the time now?” He had a point. Why did you... do any of this? It was so embarrassing. You stared at your ice cream, praying you didn’t blush or shake your leg or do anything to show how much you felt like an idiot. He nudged you, causing you to glance up at him, and he smiled. “I’d love a nickname.”

“Wood.”

“Ha ha,” he laughed sarcastically.

“V! Oh wait... we can’t do that.” Poor V. You had almost regifted his name. “Vandy!”

“Vandy?” He questioned, trying out the name. “I’m not seeing it.”

“I am. Vandy. That’s the one”

“It’s too...cute.” His cheeks flushed red again. He pushed some of his hair out of his eyes. “I’m not letting you call me that.”

“You don’t get to pick your own nickname,” you stuck your tongue out at him. “I think it’s very fitting. It’s cute, you’re cute...” why were you doing this to yourself? You must have hated yourself.

“You’ve said that twice now. That I’m cute,” he mentioned causally, biting down on his cone, the rest of the ice cream gone.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it as an insult.”

“Oh, it’s fine. It’s probably just my toxic masculinity.” It sounded like a joke but he also sounded serious? There were so many mysteries surrounding him.

“Well, if it helps. I think you’re quite handsome too. But that’s a lot of syllables to get my point across.” You were a bit more confident this time. If he was genuinely worried about his image, why wouldn’t you help reassure him.

“Uh, thanks.” He pushed back his hair, pausing midway. “I’m sorry, I’m really bad with gratitude. I genuinely appreciate it, especially coming from you.”

“Well it’s not like I’m lying,” you shrugged. You had finished your ice cream. “Uhm... maybe we should get back. Who knows what Seven’s been up to since you’ve been gone.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.”

The drive back was just as silent as the drive there, the both of you enjoying the sun and the wind again. He turned on the radio this time. It played 80s hits.

He parked in front of the building. “I hope that helped you feel a little better. I mean, I had fun,” he explained. You could tell he was forcing the words out, forcing himself to express some emotion.

“It helped a lot. For real. Thank you Vandy.” You touched his arm gently.

“Can I have your number?” He asked, a small smirk forming at the corner of his lips. “So that I don’t have to call you through Seven’s phone again,” he justified.

You smiled, nodding, wordlessly taking the phone from his hands and putting your number in. Why were your hands shaking? Was he genuinely interested in you? Or was he just a nice guy?

You handed the phone back. “Thank you again.” You smiled, opening the car door.

“Wait!” He exclaimed. You turned back towards him, leaving the car door open. “Can I... kiss you?”

You shut the car door again, nodding eagerly. He pressed himself against the center console to reach you, using one hand to balance himself and the other to brush the hair out of your eyes, cupping your cheek as he closed the distance between the two of you. Your eyes fluttered shut, focused on just how warm and soft his lips were. It was... really pleasant. He didn’t maintain the kiss for long, although you seemed to have lost your concept of time.

He pulled away, hand still on your cheek, smiling that smile again. “Thank you. I hope I made your day a little better. You certainly improved mine.”

Your fingers grazed his own, intertwining with his for a moment as you opened the car door with the other hand. “You did. I’ll look forward to seeing you again maybe?”

“For sure,” he was more flustered now. “Ah, I should probably make sure Seven hasn’t burned down the house. Have a good night.” He regained his composure, winking at you as you exited the car, and driving off, wind still blowing in his hair.

Vandy stans don’t drag me maybe he was OOC but also I wanna think he’s a little less confident in a romantic situation ? Idk. I hope you all liked it tho tyy

#mystic messenger #mysme #Vanderwood

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vanityloves · 4 years ago

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anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

#rip lol i feel annoying but my blog my rights ig #brainworm ivy #gorillaz rambles

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xllxxrbxg · 3 years ago

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so ayon nga hehe

so ayon nga mga marecakes hehe narrate ko na lang nangyari today.

so i was like chilling today right im all set for school because i did my homeworks naman days before it was needed so i was like, "aight lets get this shit today". tapos karlo message me he wanted cuddles eh i was like hMMM... we just made out the other day eh and its like tuesday palang today !! i told him nalang na make it happen, not rlly thinking he would make it happen. but this mf took it as a challenge and actually made it happen.

before all that tho i was badtrip because ha made a very uncalled for rape joke and it fucked me up in the head, plus the fact na im being taken to someplace unfamiliar. i was very tensed the whole ride there. anw he didnt get the hint na it was THAT awful to me, but its aight we resolvedt it already. i'll keep a tab on this tho. for me that was a red flag.

anyways we made out in this tambayan place their family owns. basically it has a large parking lot and across that space was this little studio type housie house. the place had a large ass gate, wasnt really paying attention to what he was saying about the place because i was still tensed with the bad joke he made. anyways we went in and it was a very nice place. outside the house, it wasnt that obvious, but when you go in, it legit looked like one of those sala sets in malls with the note "thank you for not sitting" typa shit. so yeah it was nice it had same vibes with vista mall maybe because of the ceiling yellow scattered lights and of the fresh ass furniture and the whole place itself. it was a pretty decent size, not too big not too small for at least two people to share in the long run. it also had this aircon i always wanted the expensive ones u see in 5 stars. anyways it was quickly cold. there was also the bathroom that had a shower, then theres this chair where you pull a button and a foot rest will pop up lmfao. there were also two other sofa charis by the window. the window was the type then you push back up, not much windows tbh. but thats aight and reasonable since it has an aircon. i was tensed at first when the room was opened. it was obviously recently used idk maybe by his relative. WAS TENSED BRO same feeling when you enter an empty room newly unlocked by your teacher. THAT. that typa anxiety. anyways eventually joined him to sit by the small bed. was pretty much good for one big ass person to comfortably lie on, but fitted both of us nicely. didn't really bottom at that sesh so i don't really remember if the bed was uratex when weight is applied on me but it probably is AHSHDHASHDHSAHDSAHAH ok mej funny yun goiz liek- HAHA ok serious na nga hmpz. we cuddled first before doing nasty stuff. it was nice. i'd exchange all those laplapan just to wholesomely cuddle in peace and probably have a great nap together. i like the feeling the warm feeling. it was nice. yes. anyways,, yeah it was nice. cant stop talking about how nice it was because it was nice. heck... it was so nice. it was so heart heart. idc about my coochie getting rubbed, CUDDLE ME BITCH. anyways we started kissing and the rest is historyYYYYYY. jk. basically the make out routine starts with cuddling then kissing then he touches me until it reacher the forbidden softie softie, main bec he likes hearing my sexy ass moan. even before in tinder when i vm my boytoys for the first time the first thing they say my voice is smexy. cant blame them i agree. even when im alone and i randomly fake moan gat dam bro i get turned on too LMFAO. so yeah i moaned bec it was music to his ears and turned him on big time. was ngl kinda steamy when we breathe in each others mouth thats one of my favorite parts of it and also when i suck on his tongue. or also when i moan into his mouth. yep. also when he cusses it means im doing a great job. hehe. nice stuff ryt there. we pause sometimes to rest, then go aead again. i got many rounds that day. we did same stuff on the bed several times. then he pulled me so i'd be on top. im such a great top bro he aint know hoe to topppp. then was cuddling on top of him and then accidentally (wink wink) grinded on his rock solid stuff. he was turned on sabi nya shit anuyon sabi ka ah ayaw mo ok BUT THEN he was like gusto ko. tnagina pabebe yarn. anw i started kissing then grinding and he was cussing bec im so good at it. later my pants were off and later his shorts too. so we were underwear-away from grinding on directly. was nice got me tiredt. THEN HAHAH i saw this 5 peso coin by the bed and i was like eto yung token sa rides AHSDHASHDASHDHA WOF YAN TEH? tangina tawang tawa sya gago ang funny ko tlg san ka makakakuha ng kallapan na funny. tas nilagay ko sa gilid nya singko started grinding again. bet u he was grinding too. AND IT WAS SO HARD IT LOWKEY HURT TO GRIND ON. GEEZAS. so basically the whole bed was shaking. and i did my deed as a good girl to keep the music on (aka moaning) because there was no music. felt like

asmr. boring af. unlike when we make out sa car, theres always music. i like making out on the white chev instead of the fortuner BECAUSE THE FORTUNERS WINDOWS AIN TINTED what in the world was i thinking making out inside an untinted car INSIDE A PARK WHERE THERE ARE LOTSA PPL PASSING BY. anyways back to the bed, we paused, cuddled. then i was badtrip again for some reason so i got up to get dressed but we eventually made out again on the sofa hehe. legs spread again bec he liked touching there so i let him. then eventually was begging me to allow him to eat me out but i was like BROOOO NOOOO you gon taste it and it be not groomed yet in anyway but he was alr there begging looool he looked so adorbs but NOOO. i asked wala ka man benefit jan, sabi nya ikaw meron. tas sabi ko why do u wanna do it, he said he wasnted to satify me liek HNGGGGGG ok i would let you but it really not be groomed oakay NEXT TIME for sure. AND HECK the lights were on. it was daylight and the lights were on like hasdhahsdhashdas it feels liek im being eaten out at the home decor station at vista mall U GUYZ. anyways ayon. after non i think he tried carrying me for some reason. and i knew he found me heavy lols. but yeah i was a cute little moment he carried me around the room pretending its a mall and he's touring me and shit, "to your left, is the sala set, to your right is the flat screen tv..." things like that HAHAHA funny cute moment. anw later on we found ourselves sitting on the little bed again i was on top of him. he didnt want to lay down bec he alrady made the bed lol so we started grinding again sitting, me on top doing my best !! giving my all !! bec he also had a finger down there as i grinded on his stuff so it basically felt like a direct grind lols. anyways was nice. then later on we made out standing up. was kinda hard because he was 7 inches taller. OH AKALA NYO TITE SIZE YUNG 7 INCHES NOH. hinde. so ayon we were making out and he was shy to ask for a deep throat HAHSDHAHDHAS HECK NAW BITCH U TOLD ME A RAPE JOKE. so this is the part where i get revenge. he was standing there, and i was teasing him. was acting clueless, but he hinted he wanted his belt off so i took it off. was honestly confused with the belt. lol. anw i got to remove it and said, so ano next? playfully hhehhehehe. anyways ayon nga eventually me teased him everrr soooo slowly his dick went from solid-jelly-solid-jelly. LMFAO omfg will i cause him illness? omg. anwwww ayon. later on i removed his shorts as he asked. then i stepped aaway from him across the room because he was doing the shy type hands while hsis shorts was by his foot. and i LOL'd at him for a good few minutes just clapping my hands out of entertainment HAHSDHAHSDAS. then he asked me to put my hands inside, did it slowly and i told him to smile ka nga muna. AND HA THE MF WAS SHAKING. LOL. my fucking powerrrrrrr. anyways later on i was teasing out the underwear, then later i got my hands in again and then touchedt the dick *YAY* finally we got there!! anw it was only for a few secs and i told him its over HAHAHA. then i put his shorts back up again, but subtly teasing that i would suck. bec the shorts were by his ankles so i had to kneel. did i suck? no. did i make sure he thought i was? YES BITCH. and then he lay down fretting because i didnt suck his dick and then while was laying down i opened his shorts again to pretend that his dick was a computer mouse and told him "lets play solitaire, o kaya counterstrike or maybe purble place. gawa ng cake hehe" lmfao mfer be cry laughing because he dont know what to do bec he was teased. so ayon we ended that way and i thought he was bad trip bec of what i did. but he assured me na di naman like dapat lang duh. anyways ayon hehe.

uwi na kami after nakauwi ako 1. andon kami 10. hehe. hinatid nya man me pauwi. tho yung byahe pauwi di pa kami nakakalayo sa place he pulled over so i was confused bec there were no big vehicles incoming but to my surpris he started kissimg me again lol bro deins ka ba nasasawa. anw yon. was nice naman. making out with a guy from a rich fam is nice bec yall dont need to pay to rent in motels lol but still has pressure, bec if we end on a bad note, i swear most of the blgs here are engineered by his relatives. thats how prominent they are. the place we went to is owned by his uncle, who works at legazpi rn thats why the place was vacant. theyre making a mall i think idk. so thats why his uncle is making another like that na place dun. so he has somewhere to stay. like what in the wealth... its crazy how people have money. and for sure even if the place we stayed in was small, it costs millions fr. anyways ayun yung promised detailed chika ko. hehe ciao. mej pokpok nga me pero look at me suffering the consequences, may sipon na ako aside sa ubo because he had mild sipon. now my sipon is malala compared to his, and he alr is recoveredt tangina unfair. but yesterday he insisted to see me to drop off some meds and he hugeed me and cried. because i asked for a time out the night before. bec i was having a hard time. he allowed it but over thinkedt it so yeah he cried while hugging me tight in the car. and kept on saying sorry mainly bec of the sipon thing. but it was, i felt, directed to the other stuff he had disappointed me with. anyways before that sabi nya ok lang ba sayo mag punta munang emall may bibilhin lang, sabi ko naur im sick. it was bec he wanted to buy me gummy worms lol. cute. u shoulda bought them before going to me, mofo. jk. loveee u penggg.

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madamehearthwitch · 5 years ago

Note

Sending good vibes and hopes that people spreading hate leave you alone. So many people are glad you’re around :)

Thank you. I really adore the reminders that not everyone is mad at me.

It’s funny, it’s something I deal with when parenting my kid. When I was growing up, my father’s response to anything I did even remotely wrong was seriously harsh discipline. This meant it was hard to learn to how deal with making a mistake, because it was always the end of the world, you know?

I wondered a lot today if coming back after my breakdown, and the ensuing shitshow that prolonged my absence was a wise choice. If people were going to be angry with me, maybe I should have just stayed gone.

And like, I get it. I’ve had ppl disappear on me, people I cared a lot about. I was super worried. But I hope I never made any of them feel the way that I have felt today when they’ve reached out after an absence.

There are ways to express concern, to be upset after it seems like someone has ghosted you. But daaaamn today has sucked.

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tslasvegas · 4 years ago

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Episode 13: “What a depressing trip to Las Vegas” - Jaiden

I just have one thing to say.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! It worked! I didn't expect Joey to vote with us. I feel bad about that, but hey, we couldn't see him being sincere. If he told us who the others were voting for, then maybe we would have changed votes. Jaiden was open to it already. Kailyn is probably the one who voted with John for Liv. Maybe she thought he would play and idol or maybe jury management. Anyway, she should have told us.

youtube

Joey got voted out. Which was not supposed to happen this round. Pat and Jeff are just so naive and easily to manipulate. I’m sure they could be convinced to self vote without any real effort. I don’t even want to bother working with them moving forward because of it. But I might have to. I can’t let grudges get in the way of getting to the end game. Honestly at this point I’d be happy going to F3 with Liv and Kailyn. Xavier is too nice. Jaiden is too... out there? Love him, but I don’t want to sit next to him at the end. And Pat and Jeff i just don’t think they deserve to make it that far

I still can’t believe tribal tonight was real. It’s been like six hours and I’m still in shock that Joey finally went home. Like... what??? I’ve been dealing with that dude for three weeks and I’ve held his little secret in until it finally came of use to me, and... now I’m in the final seven. The game has NOT been won yet and while I feel like cheering and celebrating, I need to maintain my focus and center myself as the game is nowhere close to being over yet. We’ve still got at least four tribals to go, but after tonight I might be able to say that I’m exactly halfway through the merge (assuming it’s a final three... dear god please be a final three). Top eight was a really hard mountain to climb and once I lost immunity I felt a little out of touch with what was gonna happen next. I really felt like my time was going to come, and I’m so thankful that it wasn’t. Tbh Kailyn might’ve gone home today had Jeff not told me about a Palazzo chat still being alive and well. I don’t know how I’m gonna turn this bad situation around again but I need to convince Keegan and Livingston to work with me, Kailyn, and Xavier. It is critical now that Jeff or Pat go home because one of them is going to win. Before Joey left, he told me that there is a rumor that Jeff or Pat have an idol nullifier. While a nullifier won’t affect me right now, it’s not something that I want to see in the game going forward period and I want to use that little piece of information to my benefit and finally get rid of Pat. I’ve been saying for SO LONG that we need to get rid of Pat and now the time is ticking down. He has to go as soon as possible, fuck whatever Jeff says. Tbh I want to fly into the final six with no votes cast against me, still. I wonder if I can get Jeff and Pat to target like Keegan or Livingston and I really just need Xavier or Kaitlyn to bring up Pat’s name first before Jeff.. I doubt they have the smarts to recognize the danger that they pose, but we will see... Keegan is DEFINITELY pissed off at me now too. I made the mistake of telling him that I was “a little annoyed” about how tribal went, which was such a dumb thing to say bc tribal went exactly how I wanted it to. I’m playing off the fact that Kailyn must’ve known abt Joey voting for Livingston because her name was on the chopping block too so that’s why it went 4-2-2 rather than 5-2-1 like it was supposed to. I don’t want anybody to know that I was playing for Joey’s advantage which I’m sure people think I have right now lmfao... Anyways really I need to just make Keegan NOT hate me because he’s still part of my plan long term (I think)... he’s really smart tho and I’m not counting him out to win the whole thing but he hasn’t really done much of anything whereas people like Jeff and Pat and Xavier have kinda done a lot... If Keegan isn’t prepared to be fully loyal to me til the end then there’s nothing I can say to him except adios. All I really need right now is an immunity run til the end. I hope that the next challenge is something that doesn’t require a lot of skill because I am INCREDIBLY anxious just thinking about a competition, live. I need final seven immunity because then I’m guaranteed top five... the furthest I’ve ever been in Tumblr Survivor by a mile. I’ll break so many of my own personal records with that one single immunity win. In fact, if I make it to final five, that will be the best I’ve literally ever done in a Skype survivor org. I haven’t done that good since April and it’s just really affirming to me that this was the right decision for me to come back to Tumblr. Aside from winning challenges and making more moves, I also have gotta start fixing my bad relationships. Like I mentioned earlier, Keegan seems REALLY pissed off at me for how things went down with him being left out of the vote again. I can only apologize so many times before I am simply unforgivable. Maybe say sorry less and work to do better??? Idfk. But if Jeff or Pat can just say Keegan’s name, I’ll do what I can to prove to him that I’m loyal to HIM and not them. I hope that the Palazzos are falling to pieces now and realize that the only way to the end is to stick by us and nobody else. Jeff was also pretty mad at me for pushing his buttons a lot today. But honestly he was feeding me utter bullshit. I don’t buy that he was my savior and guardian Angel today, protecting me from having my name come up. I should honestly tell Livingston that Jeff sold him out to me not too long after Livingston said my name in their little chat. That would be hilarious. Kailyn and I are pretty close, but it could be better. I think I tend to revert all game-conversations with Xavier, so I don’t consider Kailyn my main ally unfortunately. If I want to go to the final three with her and Xavier, I need to really work on building that GAME relationship up because as a person I think we vibe well but it’s gonna come down to a couple factors and if she *has* to be sacrificed for me to get further, I can’t do anything but let it happen unfortunately.. As I just said, Xavier is kind of my main strategic ally right now which is super weird to say. He has definitely stepped it up A LOT in the strategic department and I have a lot of respect for him just as a person and I want to try and pick his brain a little bit more. The only thing with Xavier is that he seems to be playing really “safe” right now - I think had the opportunity presented itself to vote for Jeff with Joey, Xavier wouldn’t have gone for it and would’ve wanted to stick strong with voting Livingston instead. Which I totally get, but this game right now kinda requires we make bolder decisions than just what kinda didn’t work last time, you know? Okay now for Pat - god our relationship is just so weird. I have virtually not ties to Pat except the one alliance with Jeff and I feel like Jeff wants to control Pat rather than let Pat be his own player. It’s weird. I wonder if Pat would be down to vote out Jeff but fuck it’s gonna be hard to pull that off. I don’t want to hold off on Pat BECAUSE if I can’t get him out next, I will need him at final six and hopefully final five to serve as a sacrificial lamb or something. I’m wondering now if maybe Livingston needs to go because people are gonna always view Pat as a huge threat to win, even though he might not necessarily do so if he gets there. Livingston... yeah I really don’t like Livingston lmfao. I think it’s because of his super close connection to Rachael but it might also be because he is like, cool and nerdy and a bit of a try hard “around camp” so to speak. What REALLY gets on my nerves about Livingston is that he possesses zero of the charisma to convince me that he sucks at this game but enough social finesse to make me think that he’s actually gonna win if he gets to the end. He’s like, that cool dork everybody was friends with in high school. Even though parts of his game have been lackluster as fuck, he’s still a massive threat to win and I might just need to kick him off to the jury as soon as possible. :) And finally... me! I’m gonna try hard to be unbiased and self-aware but it’s so difficult to do that bc I genuinely don’t know how ppl are perceiving me this time.. I THINK it’s mostly positive but tonight was definitely one of my most negative episodes bc of how stressful I was being before tribal. Just ask Jeff. I think I’m definitely succeeding in getting votes to go my way and I have had a LOT of things go right for me since the merge. From Stephanie leaving right when I needed her to, to the double removal, to the super idol coming out and getting rid of Joey... It’s been so good so far. BUT I’m not being subtle about it. Subtlety is not a strength of mine that’s for sure.. I think I succeeded in being “subtle” about the Steph thing bc I was not making it overly obvious I wanted her out but otherwise I’ve been very clearly controlling other decisions and how certain votes went. Leaving two people I don’t trust in the game (Pat/Jeff) is tough but at least I worked with them on something, right? Joey was telling me so much that he was gonna lose to me and I think he was right. Now Jeff is saying that he’s probably going to lose if we’re in the end, but he doesn’t want to vote me out. Do I trust that? Not really... But fuck, I don’t even know anymore!!! I think if the game was over right now, I’m going to be grilled to DEATH for being fake as hell to Joey. I think that’s gonna come back to bite me so I need to start talking POSITIVELY about Joey to EVERYBODY. Read him for game, not for personal reasons. And maybe I’ll even talk his game up going forward just so that the person who goes into jury at least relays that I made a “good move” voting for Joey to leave (even tho I didn’t vote for Joey hehe). I wonder if people think I’m just playing tjem as pawns and not as real people.. bc these are definitely real people we are playing with here and I recognize that, but honestly in my mind nobody here wants this as badly as me. If that makes me the villain, I’m fine being the villain. But I’m not a human being that will ever play this game with a passion to play humanely. I want to win so badly. I’m going crazy in my own head, the wheels turning in hyperspeed. I’ve never been hungrier for something like I am for this win... I can hold out another year in this environment if I have to. I can and I will 🤠

Darn third world slow internet connection! Anyway, it made others look like challenge threats more than me, so hopefully that gets me through more rounds if they think other people can win more :)

That was a very stressful and very tense immunity challenge. Jeff was the clear front runner for the first five rounds, being the first person to advance in all of them. He’s a quick typer which made me very worried I wouldn’t be able to pull off a win. However, the last round was “Name That Song” and with the help of Siri, I snagged the immunity necklace! Final 6 here I come! This round presents me with an interesting dilemma. Since I have immunity I can be a little more ballsy. So I could throw Jeff or Pat under the bus, try to sway Jaiden, Kailyn and Xavier to vote one of them out. Or I can stick with the OG Palazzo group that is saying (for the fifth time I might add) that they want to stick together. That hasn’t worked out at all yet this merge and we’ve voted 4 people out. Pat and Jeff seem pretty interested in targeting Xavier for being a social threat which I don’t disagree with. But Jaiden is a very strong player. This is one of those rounds where I’m insanely grateful to have immunity because there’s also a bunch of advantages out there. I know Livingston has a regular idol now. But there’s vote steals and extra votes and idol nullifiers out there somewhere and that’s so nerve-wracking. Also, Jaiden mentioned to me that this is the last round for a lot of those advantages and I just don’t think I buy that. Final 7 is a weird place for that. Regardless, I’m fully expecting this to be a wild and crazy tribal tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what happens because I get to sit there looking pretty with my new bling. Xoxo Gossip Girl

I am terrified of tribal today and I have a bunch of different ideas in my head but I just want to survive. Kind of where I am at is I feel like I am getting 7th no matter what because I have never tasted top 6 in an ORG. I could play an idol here at 7, waste it, and then just get fucked at 6. One thing I thought about was "finding" the idol part of the way through tomorrow and then letting OG Palazzo know to build trust. The only issue with this is that the idol nullifier is in play. It could still be on the board. It was on the board when I got my auction advantage. But if it isn't, and Pat and Jeff turn on me, I could be fucked idol or no idol if the nullifier is played. I suppose that Pat and Jeff have both never voted me as far as I can tell, unless I have miscalculated one of the vote counts for the past 2 tribals. Maybe it'd be safer to hold onto the idol quietly and just hope I don't leave with it in my pocket. This is so stressful because if I leave with it in my pocket, I look like an idiot that had the luck to get two advantages but couldn't traverse the game much past that.

Okay so, Jeff is my closest ally at this point. Voting out Joey was our move and I am very happy we did. I don’t express the anger that I’m feeling and I think that helps keep my relationships good with people. I think I’m good with Livingston and Keegan and also Jaiden and Kailyn. I was Xavier out this round but I feel like something is going to happen. No one knows I have an idol which is amazing and I hope I don’t have to use it til final 5 and I have immunity and can play it on someone else for the fun of it. I can’t believe I made final 7 and am actually kicking up playing the game by voting correctly on Joey. I think so far I have 2 of the 4 votes at final tribal council, Andrew and Steph. I think I have a road there, I just hope I make the right decision because I’m still in I a weird phase of the game and anything can happen.

This tribal feels very weird. Jaiden is insisting he hasn’t heard anything at all about the vote. Which I find very strange considering he’s basically been running things most of this merge. Why would suddenly no one tell him anything? Especially Kailyn and Xavier. Seems like those three are fairly open with each other. I could not be more happy to have immunity this round. No matter what happens, I am safe and have not a thing to worry about. I really really hope that Pat and Jeff are being honest and actually voting for Xavier like they say they are. If they’re flipping and voting for Livingston.... I don’t even want to imagine that. But I’m getting some sketchy vibes. Fingers crossed it’s just me being paranoid, though any time I say that something unexpected happens.

Ok I'm calling it, I'm going home tonight ! Literally nobody is telling me anything and it's really quite pathetic to see Keegan, who says we're super cool and good friends and will be friends once this is all over, win immunity and then not make a single attempt to pick me up and flip me to his side. Unless he's so confident that the Palazzo four will stick loyal to the very end... which they probably will, but Jeff is gonna beat all of them in the end and I think they see me as a big threat or something LOL I guess it's good gameplay for them but I hate it either way. I don't really have a lot to say bc now I just feel dumb. I wish I had an idol, but of course, I do not. Anyways, I'm going to have to stick with the fact that people are voting for Xavier tonight and hope my name doesn't come up at all. I'm going to lie and tell Xavier that I'm certain its me or Kailyn tonight and hope he holds an idol if he has it... or plays it on me heh. We'll see though... What a depressing trip to Las Vegas if it ends like this.

The last Confessional :(

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estradioltone · 5 years ago

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Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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if you have any pets, were they adopted from the humane society? my (now ex) friend had a stray give birth on her yard and she gave away all the puppies besides the one she kept, I chose the most scared and fat one lol

what kind of cheese is your favorite, or no cheese at all? Gouda

do you like home design, like picking out paint colors and furniture? love it <3

have you seen any of the old james bond movies? I hate James Bond movies, tried few and they were so lame

have you ever been in a hot air balloon? and if not, would you ever want to go in one? I’d like to try, maybe someday

do your parents buy you something on a daily basis? food

is anyone else in the room with you right now? not rn

do you collect anything? shitload of stuff

do you have a pool in your back yard? no and don’t want to own one

do you watch youtube videos often? how often is often?

do you wear mascara? no, I don’t see the point of mascara tbh

do your parents fight? sigh...

have you ever watched a movie that’s in a completely different language, so you had to read sub-titles? plenty

do people with yellow teeth disgust you? mine are yellow, it’s hard to keep them well having GERD :(

do you wear rings? at times

would you like to have a universal remote, like in the movie, click? hmm...

do you get any magazines in the mail? my mom does

what was the last picture you uploaded to your facebook? snapchat one with peach filter

what’s something that you do that you know hurts people close to you? live?...

what was the last board game that you played? either Scrabble or Hollywood

do you get bloated at all after you eat? I have cascade stomach, GERD and IBS so...

when is your birthday - in winter, spring, summer, or fall? winter :(

you must pick (no, “neither” bullshit please): dying by being run over by a train or being thrown from the top of the eiffel tower? tower

who’s the most overrated celebrity of them all (yes, i know they’re all overrated - but pick one)? Beyonce

what do you wear the most - sneakers, flats, heels, boots, or do you just go barefoot? slippers XD

what’s better - short sleeve tops or tanks? short sleeve

black, blue, or red ink? blue

do you sometimes splurge on expensive, sexy lingerie? my most expensive lingerie (which is sporty) costed less than 20 PLN

what’s your favorite food group? grains?

don’t you just love sushi? never tried and don’t wanna, gross

if you walked in on your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/important significant other cheating on you - how would you react? I have several scenarios in my head

how old were you when you lost your virginity? what even is virginity? you can have sex without losing it anyway

what annoys you the most about modern technology? hard to tell

do you prefer your chicks with long hair, short hair, or somewhere in between? I always went for girls with no longer than shoulder length yet not shorter than mine but now I date someone with very long hair

do you turn around when someone yells “hey!!!” even if you’re not sure if they’re referring to you or someone else? might

have you ever had that oh-so-embarrassing moment when you think some hot guy/girl is waving at you and/or flirting with you, so you wave back, only to realize they were directing it at the person behind you? they weren’t hot

who was the last person to come back into your life? my gf

is there anyone at your house outside of your family? in the garden

who was the last person you had a conversation with in person? my dad

what was the last piece of jewelry that you purchased? for myself or someone else?

how old are each of your siblings? 30+

how many different conversations do you have going right now? 0

do you think it’s weird to wear socks to sleep? it’s not, unless you sleep naked

have you ever gone swimming in a lake? yup

do you usually buy a new bathing suit every summer? I didn’t buy any swimsuit for ages, don’t own even one

what sucks most about the computer you end up using the most? what doesn’t suck about it, ugh!

what’s something you want to say to someone at the moment? I’m not sure

will you have sexual intercourse within the next two weeks? I won’t

has a boyfriend/��girlfriend ever put alcohol/drugs before you? nah

do you like when people call you things like “baby”, “sweetie”, “hun”, etc? certain pet names are fine

will this friday be a good one? it’s not...

what’s wrong with you right now? everything?

have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately? angry and sad

are you wasting your time on someone? hope not

when’s the last time you cried yourself to sleep? days ago

have you ever been in a perfect relationship? relationships aren’t perfect because no one is perfect and that’s ok

when was the last time you completely broke down? last week

honestly, have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with j? nope

are you nice to the people you dislike? if I have to, I prefer to avoid them

are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship? we are

your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say? no comment

would you rather date someone who is extremely protective or not protective at all? why do we have to choose extremes?

does sex mean love? to me

have you ever fallen asleep on someone? as a baby

have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? more than once

plans for tomorrow? nothing have you ever ridden a skateboard? tried the main thing you can’t leave your house without? clothes, I won’t leave naked does anyone know your password besides you? just me what are you listening to? Melanie Martinez when was the last time you changed in front of someone? this month what’s the closest black thing to you? what I’m wearing, computer mouse and keyboard too, my cellphone next to me is also black what were you doing at 8:00 am? fallen asleep again are you happier single or in a relationship? we’ll see if you had to get a piercing, what do you get? normal earrings in lobes you can get a puppy or a new car. which do you choose? car, I have a dog and don’t want another at least soon have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? my father is my bestie did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? it seems like it have you ever been arrested? noooo

what is a difference between the last two people you hugged? one is a female and one is a male where is the next place you will go? for a walk - forest probably why did you kiss the last person you kissed? we’re dating

do you say sexy a lot? I don’t recall using that word when did you last throw up? years ago? do you like to have long hair or short hair? short what is your favorite place you have traveled? Ełk? where do you keep your money? that’s personal what was the weather like today? warm do you want to cut your hair? meh what is your favorite place to shop? thrift? are you over the age of 25? I am are you going to have a good night? hopefully when was the last time you did the dishes? I just washed the knife

do you and your friends trade/borrow clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc.? no way

is your birthday ever on a holiday? which one? it was always on free from school time (ferie zimowe) and my friends been basically always sick so they couldn’t come

are you friends with your neighbors? I say “goodmorning” to part of them and that’s all

do you think its weird when people talk to their pets like they’re people? not that I have whole conversations with mine but I happen to speak to them when I want to

do you like uggs? they’re great for winter slippers :3

describe what you typically wear on a hot summer day: T-shirt, sweatpants/leggings/pajama pants, panties/undies, socks, slippers or slip on shoes

what about a cold winter day? underwear, tights (when it’s very cold - under leggings), leggings (unless I’m home then sweatpants/pajama pants), socks, boots (if not slippers of course), long sleeves shirt, tunic or oversized t-shirt, sweater, vest, jacket, scarf, hat, fingerless gloves

do you like coffee? ewww, disgusting

do you like flip flops? same

do you like rain? especially it’s sound at night

do you like horses? they’re fine

what is the deepest pool you have jumped into? where? I don’t jump into pools or lakes/rivers

does it annoy you when people open your mail or text messages? people don’t do that :o

what magazine do you buy the new issue of each month? Moje mieszkanie

what is your favorite farm animal? chicken

have you ever driven a golf cart? I’m against golf so...

if a genie gave you 1 wish, what would it be? health, for all, forever

what is something that you shouldn’t like but do anyways? ask God

is there something you love dearly but knew you’d be made fun of for it? I guess

who is someone you always want to be happy, even if you aren’t happy alongside them? those close to me

does it take you a long time to get over someone you liked? it’s complicated

have you ever gone a week or more not thinking of your boyfriend/girlfriend that much? does it sadden you, or make you happy you don’t completely depend on a person? I didn’t go whole week without thinking about them at least once wtf

is there someone who ruined your life? do you forgive this person? most of those ppl didn’t apologise, most of them don’t know or care, most of them are not part of my life

have you ever questioned your sexuality? when was this? how did it end? I thought I must call myself bi because I dated a guy even tho I wasn’t really into them but I realized that even having sex doesn’t mean I’m not asexual - trying things make you more sure of smth instead of changing who you are

have you ever felt suicidal? constantly

do you know anyone who has had a miscarriage? or someone who can’t have kids at all? both are more common than you think

what is something you wish would have ended differently (ex. friendship or relationship)? what if I wanted some things to never end? does that count?

type the alphabet and stop at the letter of the last person you kissed: ABCDEFGHIJKLM eventually ABCDEFG (short version of the first name) eventually ABCD (surname) how was your day overall? it’s going so fast because I can’t sit down for long, parents call me every single minute to help them have you kissed someone more than 20 times? I didn’t count but who knows

if you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be? won’t tell you :P how often do you hold back what you want to say? sigh, it’s complicated it’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely? my gf ever cried while you were on the phone with someone? not many times but still how do you know the last male you texted? he’s my parent do you think the last person you kissed cares for you? they say and try to show that they do do you laugh a lot? as for such broken person it’s A LOT are you good at giving directions? I’m pretty bad at that what does your mom call you? by one of the versions of my name duh are you afraid of roller coasters? I’m afraid I’d puke where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or everywhere? in front of the computer and when I’m home alone which happens very rarely are you wearing any make up right now? I don’t even own any makeup are you nice to everyone? pfft is it hard for you to be happy for someone else? oh well...

do you like bread crust or do you prefer it cut off? depends, usually eat it tho

what is the worst/hardest drug you’ve been offered, but declined to partake in? nothing hard

do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant? I don’t want to think about it

is there a color shirt you’d never wear? tie dye or some tiny pattern that makes my head spin

is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it? what I don’t regret?...

would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde? for a movie role

do you like the band mgmt? I know couple of songs by them

do you like vanilla candles? I’m not into candles

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