#it felt like a normal thursday media day

[killa-trav]

morning yesterday was soooo exhausting being sleep deprived n seb posting was fun (until i started to feel delirious) n i was expecting today to be the same n then i remembered sebtent is over :((

[cheriladycl01]

Would you write a Carlos or Max x reader please where she’s a driver too. They’re always worried about her when she races but they’re not prepared when she gets into a serious crash just running errands to the store. They get a call from her caller ID expecting her to have forgotten something but it’s a police officer or paramedic telling them she’s been in an accident. Thank you!

Is this Mr Sainz? - Carlos Sainz x Driver! Verstappen Reader x (Brother) Max Verstappen

Plot: You get into a car crash when shopping for the first food shop before a race weekend.

You were used to driving, it was literally your job at a professional level as a driver in Formula One driver. And you were good too, having 3 wins under your belt in only your third year in the sport.

Sometimes it felt like you only had your seat because you were a Verstappen, but racing was in your blood and you were becoming just as much of a menance as your brother on track.

You also had your boyfriend Carlos who you’d been dating since you were in F2. You never thoughtyou’d make it as far as F1, but after proving yourself in your F2 season, and not struggling too much without power steering, you were promoted.

Having Carlos and Max on track with you was so fun as you were always teasing and making jokes with each other especially in interviews and on Thursday media days.

Carlos and Max however hated the fact that they had to race you and track an that you were good enough to actually fight for position with the pair of them. They were both pretty worried about you before they got into the car. Once they were on track they both tried to consider you as just another car, but admitidly that was pretty hard.

They never thought about you normally driving… it was such a mundane thing compared to driving round tracks at around 250mph.

“Hello is this Mr Sainz?” the call came through whilst Carlos, Max, Lando, Oscar, Charles and Pierre were all in the hotel lobby just waiting around having drinks and talking. It was your caller ID so Carlos didnt think anything off it when he picked it up to here … well not you on the other end.

You were out, getting some snacks for in the hotel room. Everyone had sent you their orders and you’d gone out by yourself wanting some time alone ahead of the race weekend.

You were walking around the large shop, picking out what was given from the list before heading to the checkout. It was getting kind of late, and it was media day tomorrow so you wanted to go back as soon as possible.

“Hi, how are you?” You smile at check out lady who looks shocked to see you before starting to scan your items.

“I’m okay! How are you?” she asks back still looking over you in shock and you try not to chuckle at her reaction.

“I’m pretty good, just shopping for some snacks for my friends. This was the nearest place, its really nice in here” you smile as you take the items off her and pack them into one of your reusable bags.

“That’s gonna set you back $82.52” she says, her American accent coming through. You smile and shake your head.

“On snacks, my god I forgot how many people I was buying for” you chuckle handing over your black card and putting the food back into the trolley.

“Thank you so much! You’ve been so helpful!” you smile before you walk outside going to the car you had rented and loading up the boot of the car.

“Yes this is he” he says with a confused look, furrowing across his brows as he glances a the group who are also looking over to him.

“You are listed here as the emerency contact for a Y/N Verstappen yes?” the voice asks and Carlos feels his heart skip a beat. He looked over to Max, who was now chatting and joking around with Lando.

“Hold for one second please” he says before muting the call.

“Max, come outside. Now…” Carlos says gruffy, before walking outside to a quiet area where there arent any people to interrupt.

“Yes I am the emergency contact for Y/N Verstappen” Carlos sighs and Max freezes.

“She’s been in an accident and we are requesting you and a Max Vertsappen, her second emergency contact at he hospital immedielty” he explains and Max and Carlos share a look.

“What happened?” Max asks, a pause from the officer slighty confused at the different accent change.

“Whos this?”

“I’m her brother Max Vertsappen” he says, his tone cold.

“Well, it looks like she was coming back from the shops and a drunk driver ran through a red light and went into the side of her car crossing the road. She’s in surgery right now but that’s all i can confirm right now” he offers and tears build up in Carlos’ eyes. Max is sort of frozen in shock before he shakes himself out of it.

“We’ll be there as soon as possible, St David’s I’m guessing?” he asks and gets cofirmation from the officer before hanging up Carlos’ phone for him.

“Carlos come on” Max says pulling at his fellow drivers wrist who is now the frozen one with a blank look on his face.

“I-“ he starts but cant say anything.

“Carlos come on, this cant wait!” Max exclaims before the older man wakes himself up from his daze and follows Max to the lobby where their friends are waiting.

“Can one of you drive us to the hospital, we’re both to irratic to be behind the wheel right now” Max asks, looking at everyone who’d stopped their convrsations the minute the absent duo had come back in.

“What? What’s happened are you. okay?” Charles asks standing up.

“It’s Y/N she got into a car crash, drunk driver or something and she’s in the hospital right now” Carlos explains to the group.

“I’ll drive!” Lando agrees quickly, before taking them out to his McLaren, Carlos sat next to him while Max sat in the back.

“Whoever did this is going to pay” Max spits out angrily, tapping against the back of Lando’s seat.

“She’ll be okay, she’s like the strongest person i know” Lando replies looking in the rear view mirror at Max before concentrating back on the road.

They get to the hospital in record time running into the emergency department trying to look for Y/N.

“I’m going to go get some flowers and chocolate for her, you guys let me know the room shes in yeah?” Lando says knowing that they just want to ask and see how she is.

They nod the younger driver off before hounding the receptionist with questions.

“Is Y/N Verstappen here?” Carlos asks.

“She was in a car crash, an officer said she was in surgery?” Max asks.

“She’s an F1 Driver has her team been informed about the accident, what about her family?” Carlos asks.

“Slow down. I unfortunaltley dont have the answer to any of those questions but the first. She’s here, I’m not sure if she’s out of surgry yet but I will. page her doctor to come see you both. Please in the meantime take a seat” she directs them to the smaller and more privte waiting area.

Carlos takes a seat first his head in his hands while Max starts to make calls to his mum and dad and ther sister letting them know what was going on and telling them the limited knowlege he had on the situation.

In the time they’d been waiting, it had gotten out to h general public that you’d been in a car crash and articles and posts had been made online regarding the situation.

“For Y/N Verstappen?” a lady calls in a longwhite coat clipbaord in hand. Carlos’ head lifts up from his hands and he steps up towards the lady as Max hangs up.

“Yes?” Max asks looking over to the doctor.

“Your sister Y/N is out of surgery, it was hard work but she’ll make a full recovery in time. She’s a fighter and we really thought we’d lost her for a second. She’s asleep right now but you can visit” she smiles offering to guide them through the area.

“Thank you” Carlos’ cries pulling Max in for a hug, leaning agaisnt his shoulder before they follow the doctor through to your room.

You were asleep on the hospital bed, some wires and other medical tech strapped up to you and Max never thought he’d see you like this, he’s prayed you’d never ever be in this situation. He hated seeing you, looking so fragile and vulnerable.

Eventually your anesthetic wore off and you were woken up to voices lightly talking and rays of sun bursting through the window. The first thing you notice is how relaxed your body is. Not that you knew right now but the morphine you were on for pain was making you very woozy.

“Mmmmmm” you groan as you try to move.

“Hey baby” you hear lightly from next to you, your eyes fluttering open to meet your boyfriends.

“Hi Carlos” you smile soflty looking at him and the worried look on his face.

That’s when yourmind becomes a little less fuzzy and you realsise you are neither at home or in the hotel.

“You were in a car crash, you had us worried” you hear your brother admit.

“Mmmm Max?” you asklooking around the room seeing the various flowers and cards and noticing it was a hospital room.

“We’re here” he smiles coming to stand the other side of the bed.

“We’ll always be here for you” Carlos adds, holding your hand.

Taglist:

@littlebitchsposts @hockey-racing-fubol @laura-naruto-fan1998 @22yuki @simxican @sinofwriting @lewisroscoelove @cmleitora @daemyratwst @lauralarsen @the-untamed-soul @thewulf @itsjustkhaos @purplephantomwolf @chasing-liberosis @summissss @gulphulp @starfusionsworld @jspitwall @sierruhhhh @georgeparisole @youcannotcancelquidditch @tallbrownhairsarcastic @ourteenagetragedy @peachiicherries @formulas-bitch @cherry-piee @spilled-coffee-cup @mehrmonga @eiraethh @curseofhecate @alliwantisadonut @dark-night-sky-99 @i-wish-this-was-me @tallrock35 @butterfly-lover @barnestatic @landossainz @darleneslane @barcelonaloverf1life @r0nnsblog @ilove-tswizzle @laneyspaulding19 @malynn @viennakarma @landosgirlxoxo @marie0v @yourbane @teamnovalak @nikfigueiredo @fionaschicken @0picels0 @tinydeskwriter @ironmaiden1313 @splaterparty0-0 @formula1mount

[youkissedareaderinthedark]

Under the Weather

Synopsis: You’re sick. George’s sick. Someone else is probably going to get sick. It’s an interesting last race in Abu Dhabi

young female driver reader x 2023 F1 grid

A/N: this fic is pretty vague so i’m not going to give the reader a team or teammate, we just know that she’s a driver on the grid because that’s all we really need to know

. so

. you think you caught it in vegas

. it was colder than you were used to

. you barely got any sleep

. and even though you’re around hundreds of people every race weekend, las vegas felt more packed than a normal race would be

. and you were seated next to george, who’s been feeling sick for a few days at that point, for nearly all pre-race activities

. it was probably all of these combined that gave you a sore throat, stuffy nose, pounding headache, and persistent cough

. you knew the second you woke up thursday morning

. “it’s going to be a shitty weekend”

. the grid, however, did not know until thursday afternoon

. you came into the press conference room, bundled up in a long sleeve and hoodie, nose red with a scratchy voice

. you sit beside an amused lewis, resisting all urges to lay your head against the back of the couch and drift off

. “you okay y/n?”

. the only response he gets is a groan and small shake of the head

. “i’ll get you some tea when we’re done here love, you’ll be okay”

. lewis, who was always your favorite but now has new reasons to be favored, lets you rest your head against his shoulder and close your eyes while you all wait for the conference to begin

. word spreads by the end of the media day, and suddenly you have new reactions from the grid

. daniel walks through the paddock with you, never afraid of a little cough

. “lewis tells me you’ve been on your death bed over here. anything I can do?”

. he insist on giving you a hug and the recipe for chicken soup that he learned from his mum and now swears by

. max, who is afraid of a little cough, is the one who makes sure you’re not being harassed when trying to sleep

" max? who’s under the blanket-”

. “shush. she’s trying to sleep”

. “but who’s-”

. “I said shush”

. lando, a man who’s all too familiar with being clumsy, probably saves you a million times from walking into doorways, a drowsiness affect from the fever you keep insisting you don’t have

. he’ll keep a constant eye on you and hand on your shoulder as a precaution

. “let’s not go over there, that’s a wall”

. “y/n!”

. “mhm?” you’d say, eyes half closed with tiredness

. “that’s a door love, jeez, we should put a bell on you”

. carlos and charles, drivers who’ve had loads of experience taking care of sick younger siblings, make a team effort of ensuring you’re doing your best to get better

. “did you drink the water bottle I gave you?”

. “no”

. “did you drink anything today?”

. “no”

. “oh mon dieu you’re going to kill yourself like this”

. “just try to eat this okay? i know you’re not hungry amiga, but we have a race tomorrow, you need to eat something”

. “i got you more medicine, this one says it should take care of the cough and sneeze so you won’t have to worry about it during the race”

. and then there’s george, your sick partner in crime

. you two make a habit of trapping yourselves in one of your driver’s room

. half to prevent the sickness from spreading further, half to just be left alone

. you guys complain a lot

. take turns choosing movies to watch to pass the time

. reminding the other to take medicine, even though there’s a good chance that person probably hasn’t taken any medicine either

. and passing a bag of cough drops between each other

. as a teammate and friend, lewis tries to talk you two out of racing

. but neither budge

. you get into your car, nose still red and voice still scratchy

. and power through the race, just as you’d been taught to do

. george gets a podium and you get a good points finish, the best results you could’ve asked for considering the conditions

. and stumble out of your car once more, looking for a tissue and that chicken soup recipe

. you get checked on by multiple drivers, though the only response you’re able to give is a nod and thumbs up

. lewis accompanies you on your flight back home, and tries to help as much as you let him

. he feels a bit victorious when you say you wished you’d listen to him and not raced

. but the feeling is instantly replaced with sympathy for his friend, so he just nods and tells you to get some more rest

. after making sure you’re safe at home and surrounded by family and friends that swear on their hearts to take care of you, lewis leaves with congratulations on your season finish and wishes to get better

. you’re fine within a few days, you name the cause of your sickness “end of season fatiague” and ensure the drivers you made a full recovery by wednesday night

. so yeah

. it’s not fun at all to drive while you’re sick

. but it’s a bit easier when you have your friends looking out for you

short little f1 grid sick fic. let’s hope I didn’t just manifest myself a cold

[bakugoushotwife]

kinktober day twenty-four: dry humping

>>> hawks that’s it that’s the post!!

>>> starring: keigo takami x curvy!f!reader >>>cw: ur just so submissive n breedable he can’t help it, mild exhibitionism, no aftercare, mating press, creampie. >>> wc: 2.1k i’m sorry my LAPTOP >>> event masterlist

keigo is a busy—and forgetful—man. he forgot his lunch at home at least twice a week, though you were beginning to think it was just so you would get all prettied up and make your way to his office to bring it to him.

you do it every time, knowing without a doubt that your hero would work straight through lunch if he wasn’t looking at it sitting on his desk. between running his own agency and reporting to the hpsc and his sidekicks and the media—taking care of himself was the last thing on his mind. thank goodness for his lovely little lady who always made sure he slept and showered and ate. he would definitely be in ruin if it wasn’t for you. you were more than he deserves; soft, sweet, and so, so, sexy. you certainly knew how to ease the stress in his life and solve the ache in his heart.

and apparently, the rumbling in his stomach.

you always took special care of your appearance anytime you visited hawks at his agency. you don’t know why, necessarily, but you felt the need to look your best when you strut to the top floor of his prestigious building. maybe it’s your way of showing off, maybe you just want him to feel proud of his choice. either way, you put on your cutest dress and do your makeup in the style that he likes, packing his bento and dutifully walking to his office.

keigo noticed about halfway through his commute to work that he left his lunch at home. he could easily fly back to the house and pick it up, he wouldn’t even be late for his morning patrol given his quirk—but! he knows you’ll bring it. it’s a thursday and he hadn’t forgotten it all week—he didn’t want you thinking that he didn’t wanna see his girl during the work day now. he looked forward to his break today, smiling a little wider as he flew towards his agency with the knowledge that his little dove would be stopping by to spend it with him.

the first half of the day passes rather hectically—though that was considered normal in his experience. he was short in sidekicks today but not short on missions that needed to be completed. he had to cover more ground than usual because of it and he had to do an interview right before your unscheduled but definitely scheduled arrival.

but as soon as he hears the cute little heels he bought you clink against the tile of his agency, he’s nearly cured. the headache he was developing eases, tunnel vision clearing up and his brow relaxing visibly at the sight of you.

“little dove!!!” he chirps, a few of his feathers taking the bento off your hands like you were carrying some heavy load.

“you forgot your lunch again, keigo. if you want me to eat lunch with you, all you have to do is ask.” you give him a knowing look, lifting your leg so you could take a little seat on the corner of his desk. he smiles at you with the utmost admiration the entire time—gold avian eyes glowing with soft affection, though your yellow sundress was definitely darkening his thoughts the longer he stared at the sweetheart neckline.

“asking takes all the fun out of it, little bird.” he leans forward, kissing the tip of your nose before going back to the mess of papers scattered around. you can tell it’s been a long day already—his shifty eyes and fidgeting hands shuffling over endless blurs of words that he needed to organize before he allowed himself to get distracted with you.

you roll your eyes at both his response to you and his adhd style mess that somehow made perfect sense to him. you pry the lid off the top of his bento, unstacking the little boxes to prepare to force feed him if necessary. you toss your hair over your shoulder, sliding off the desk to bend over his lap with your offering. he pretends to not notice what you’re doing—but you don’t understand. he has to. you basically have your tits in his face and he’s so stressed out that just the sight of his soft, warm pillows have him ready to risk it all. he can smell your sweet perfume, some of your stubborn hair still tickling his stubble-covered jaw.

“keigo…” you raise your brow, his gaze trained on your cleavage makes it clear that he was just lost in thought, not in paperwork. not that you cared—you thought his workload was ridiculous and that he was much harder on himself than he deserved. “you need to eat.” you huff, and your tone snaps him out of his dirty day dreams. he leans forward and takes the food off your extended chopsticks, smiling up at you innocently.

“wanna eat you instead.” he pouts, swiftly turning your wrist so you wouldn’t be able to hold onto the chopsticks before tugging you into his lap. you would chuff at such a cheesy reply—especially given his usual creativity, but he doesn’t give you the chance. he’s feeling at the fat of your hips, letting his face fall forward into the swollen mounds of your breasts. you giggle at the feeling of his scruff against your flesh, wet lips tracking over your chest. that feels far less funny, especially as his hands slide to your waist and back to your thighs; you find yourself arching into him and panting softly, trying to keep your volume down.

he just couldn’t help himself. you were such a relief in more ways than one, and he needed you to work your magic. it felt like he was the magician though, his hand moving further north to ghost over your cunt, your dress hiked up enough for him to tell his little dove isn’t wearing any underwear. how thoughtful of you, truly. it seems to him you wanted to relieve him too—of course his sweetness would.

your fingers knit in his hair as he cups your exposed pussy—warm and already slick for him. he grins a bit, looking up at you with his same love-filled gaze. he guides your need down on his lap—making your clit catch on his pants so deliciously your cheeks warm. he was biting his lip at the cute way you tug on his hair and struggle to be quiet.

“keep it down, pretty. don’t wanna get hawks in trouble, yeah?” he taunts a little—all part of his relief, you know. watching you wrestle to control yourself was so adorable, he just had to see more. his hands speed you up as his other hand pulls down the neckline of your sexy little dress.

you nod eagerly, hips humping up into him in order to chase that addicting burn in your stomach. you knew he’d give it to you—he wasn’t that mean, but he certainly wanted to see you squirm. you bite down on your lip to muffle your whines, feeling the intensity claw at your lungs to leave you gasping as softly as you could manage. he grins, a smug expression of his control over you as you nod vigorously—a silent sign that you were about to reach your end.

he nods to permiss it, eyes trained on how your fat tits bounce with your stuttering hips. he flickers up to watch your face, your mouth hung open in a perfect o—complimenting your crossed eyes. he chuckled a little, leaning up to kiss over your chest and wrap his arms around you with a knowing look.

“aw, my lil dove could hardly hold it together!” he giggles, the imprint of his dick shifting against your sensitive slit as he stood.

“mhm, ‘s hard to be quiet for you daddy.” you nod in agreement, pouting at him while securing your hold around his neck.

“poor baby—let’s go to the roof so you can be as loud as you want..” he purrs despite his avian nature. you bite your lip at the suggestion, just as riveting and tempting as the first time he offered to take you up there.

“need more of you—don’t care where.” you kiss at his jawline, only making his wings twitch with excitement for you. then the wind is whipping through your hair as keigo takes you to ‘his v.i.p. lounge.’

he lands smoothly as always, the blanket he leaves up for his lunch breaks with you serving as the barrier between your near naked form and the cool tile lurking beneath. he’s got you on your back instantly, shrugging out of his jacket and working on his belt with great haste. he’s focused on your impatient body, the slick coating your thighs and the light hickies he placed earlier combined with your needy face and spread legs had him fumbling to get his dick in you as soon as humanly possible. his pants drop to his knees and he pulls your hips forward, playing around in the mess he’s made of you. you whine at his teasing, shaking your head with a pout.

he chuckles, pushing your knees up to your ears as he sinks into your waiting cunt. his head falls back at how you fit around him. there was no pussy like this in the entire world, and he would fuck you like it.

“gah—ah~” you moan out at the weight of him nestled inside your body—the perfect movements he settled into to build that fire in your gut again, and this was just the beginning; two of his feathers flocked to your chest to rub against your perky nipples.

your back arches at the sensation, and he begins to fuck into you harder. you’re so intoxicating to him, you’re perfect and pliant nature—your stunning face and even more beautiful soul had him by the balls.

and then his phone rings. he groans, sending it to voicemail with a click—rutting against your womb at a pace most men would falter in. but then they call back, and he realizes that it has to be important. he listens to the voicemail message—and his suspicions were right. emergency in kyoto.

“gotta make this quick, darlin’. got some trouble a little bit away…gonna be a good girl and let me use my pretty pussy?” he asks, tossing his phone over his shoulder. you nod, his pace hadn’t slowed even while he was listening to the call, making you

a pile of mush already. you would let him do anything to you, and you weren’t sure he’d even have to ask.

“knew you would. so good for me to use.” he coos to you, languidly dragging his cock through your walls. you can feel every ridge of his dick, hitting every spot almost magically. your head rolls along your blanket, screaming for him just like he wanted. you can tell he’s working hard to finish—to fuck you and then go do his job, sweat beads along his hairline, pearly teeth digging at his lip. “geez you’re such a good sleeve for daddy. want to be full, little dove?”

he doesn’t know where to look. your gorgeous cunt sucking him in, your perfect tits bouncing in time with every brutal slam of his hips to your ass. how would he choose? how about your mouth forming perfect prayers of his name or your eyes rolling back in your head as he pins you down and makes you take it.

“fuck—daddy! please—“ you were so close, on the precipice of something intense and earth shattering. this wasn’t like earlier, the fire was uncontrollable and you couldn’t hold it much longer.

“gonna cum baby girl—just like that, fuck yeah.” he pants, guiding your hips forward to meet his insane thrusts. he spills his load, stilling his hips before you could tip off that precious precious edge—and you knew immediately he did it on purpose. you were his relief, he had to hurry! but don’t worry, keigo won’t leave you wanting for long.

he leans over to give you a quick smooch, tucking himself back into his pants and fixing his belt, giving you that same smug grin as he reaches for his jacket.

“lunch was delicious babe. dinner will be even better, i’ll see you at home!!” he coos, pecking your lips once more for good measure before he’s just a flash of scarlet in the clouds.

you’re still reeling, head spinning from denial and the feeling of his seed pearling down your legs. once you’ve finally got your breath, you’ve rationalized his departure. you knew he had a crazy day today—it really wasn’t his fault. plus, he was going to make it up to you when he got off tonight. but…wait a minute.

how the fuck are you getting off this roof?

[the-offside-rule]

Fernando Alonso (McLaren era) - Envious pt.2

A part 2 to Envious

Fernando walked into the paddock on the Thursday for his usual media stuff. His PR manager had brought him around, filling him I on what questions most interviewers would be asking him. Whilst they walked into the interviewing area, glancing around for Y/n. He was quite desperate to see her. He found himself having to watch her past interviews just to make the feeling of missing her go away. How could be miss her? He wasn't even with her? They weren't exactly on speaking terms. "Can we start with ITV?" He asked, eager to see Y/n. "Just get it over with? Of course." They made their way over to ITV. Fernando looked up, expecting to see Y/n but instead seeing a different girl. He crossed his arms, a confused look on his face. "Where is Y/n?" He asked. "You'll be happy to learn, she has a segment to do with Lewis for ITV." His PR manager told him, preparing her voice recorder. "No." He mumbled. "Pardon?"

"I won't do the interview for ITV unless it is Y/n asking the questions. Where is she?" The ITV production team exchanged uneasy glances. "I don't think she can change her segment, Fernando." One of them said. "I'll worry about that. I would like Y/n to interview me. We'll be back when Y/n is." He said walking away and leaving a few confused souls. Fernando went about doing his interviews but he kept glancing over at the ITV crowd, hoping he would see Y/n but each time he looked over, disappointment struck. Y/n was on the other side of the paddock, getting ready to start her segment when she got a call from her boss. "Im about to turn my phone off. I have to go do this segment." Y/n said as she answered the phone. "The segment can wait. You're needed in the interview pen." She couldnt believe the words being said to her. "I don't understand. Did Darcy just get up and leave?" She asked. "No, but Alonso is being specific about who is interviewing him and he'd like you to interview him." She chuckled. "Well, if only we were accommodating."

"We are. He's refusing to do interviews with us until you are back." She rolled her eyes. "He is so childish. He's just bored. Darcy will do." Y/n protested. "No, we need the Fernando interview." She threw her arms in the air. "It's an interview that will last two minutes! I worked so hard to get this Lewis interview!" She was near shouting at this stage. "Sleeping with the driver in question does not mean you worked hard for it." She felt her heart drop with those words. "I didn't and I won't ever sleep my way to where I want to go." She hung up and groaned.

ITV had been panicking, but eventually located Y/n, who seemed stressed and preoccupied and angry, which when interviewing Fernando became normal. Fernando turned to see her talking sternly to the girl that was interviewing. He hoped he didn't get her in trouble but at the end of the day, he finally got Y/n. He walked towards her, his PR manager following behind closely.

"Y/n." He said approaching Y/n. She didn't look up. "Fernando." She replied, engrossed in the papers she held. "What's wrong with my intern?" Y/n asked as Fernando walked towards her. "Too boring. I want a little fun in these things." He smiled. "And you are a child." She said, taking out her notebook and pen. As Y/n prepped for the interview, flicking through her countless pages, Fernando decided to begin his redemption (if you could call it that) and share a warm smile with her. "How are you today?" he asked, catching her off guard. She looked up confused. Stumbling over her words, she replied, "I'm... I'm good, thank you. How about you, Fernando?" He chuckled. "I'm doing well. I was worried you weren't going to interview me today." He said. "Believe me, I wanted the segment with Lewis but you pushed for me to interview you." He clenched his jaw. "That must has set me back a bit but I'm intrigued, why do you want me to interview you?" She asked. "You bring a smile to my face. How about that?" Y/n kept her skepticism. "Okay. Ready to roll?" She asked her camera man.

Confused but intrigued, Y/n began the interview. "Hello, Fernando. Its a new race week here in Malaysia. Are you hoping hoping to better than your P2 last race weekend?" She asked, trying to add a harshness in the fact he had P3. "Well, of course. The Race was difficult last week with Kimi doing so well in the Ferrari and obviously, as a driver you always have to strive to be the best at what you do. I feel like it would be the same for journalists which is why why are as highly regarded as you are." He smiled. Y/n pulled a face. Did he just....compliment her? What was he up to?

"Do you think that long-term, you could beat Ferrari in the constructors or even beat them to the driver championship?" Fernando took a deep breath in. "Well, it's always tricky to pin-point these things but I think I could get there with the help of McLaren and obviously my teammate." He replied. "Something tells me your teammate won't be as willing to help you as you think." She remarked. "Something or someone?" He joked, making the few people surrounding them laugh. She felt her face heat up at what he was implying. "Sorry, that was unprofessional, but to finish that question off, I think-" to her surprise, Fernando's apology was laced with genuine kindness and humility. The tension that usually filled the air between them dissipated, replaced by an unexpected camaraderie. She didn't entirely believe him, she still thought he was up to something but until she could put her finger on it, she had to bite her tongue.

"But yeah, if he wants to help me he can. It's not my job." He answered. "Thank you Fernando." She said, concluding the interview. "You seem pretty tense today." Fernando said. "Why are you still here?" She asked, handing her notebook to Darcy. "Can you please write this up for the article. Thanks." She brought her attention back to Fernando. "What? J thought you'd be happy to see me." She scoffed. "Yeah, right." Fernando thought for a moment. He didn't wanna leave her just yet, he wanted to talk to her more. He had gone ages without seeing her.

"How about a joke?" He offered. "What?" Was he serious? "What does a bee do in the gym?" She shrugged her shoulders. "Zum-ba." The camera crew looked at eachother confused. "It makes sense in Spanish. Because its like 'qué hace una abeja en el gimnasio?' Zum-ba! But in English it makes no sense." She found herself giggling along, knowing the joke since she spoke spanish. "I know, I know." She found herself laughing harder and harder at how bad the joke was and how Fernando explaining it somehow made it much funnier. "You're crying!" Fernando laughed, pointing at Y/n as she wiped her tears away.

"I never thought I'd see the day when you and I would share a laugh." She admitted. "Again." He said. Y/n looked at him bewildered. "What?" She asked. "Well we have shared laughs before so you never thought you'd see the day we would share a laugh again." She smiled, reminiscent of her first ever motorsport interview, back when Fernando was in Minardi. "I'm surprised you remember that far back." She smiled. Fernando grinned. "Life is full of surprises, isn't it?" Y/n nodded. "Do you mind if I ask you something?" Fernando smiled and agreed. "What's with the sudden change? We've had our fair share of clashes in the past and now you're refusing to answer to anyone other than me."

Fernando tried to think of an answer that didn't completely include the truth but still add a hint or two. "Sometimes, it's good to leave the past behind and start anew. Besides, life is too short for unnecessary feuds." He said, stretching his hand out. "Hopefully, we can just be friends now." He said. Y/n reluctantly took his hand and shook it before he bid farewell to everyone and left, leaving confused souls behind.

That evening, Y/n had to rewrite Darcy's work which led to a late night, and a lot of coffee. As she was writing, she heard her phone ringing, eith the caller ID of 'The Boss' on it. She answered, holding in yawn. "Hello?" She questioned, still writing away. "I didn't expect you to be awake at this time." He said. "Well, you know me. I'm always up late for work." She said, a hint of bitterness still in her voice from their earlier conversation. "Yes, well I'm calling became McLaren gave me a ring. Your segment with Lewis can be done tomorrow after qualifying." She smiled. "Aw, he's a gem for reorganising it." She chuckled. "It wasnt Lewis." She knotted her eyebrows in confusion. "Was it his PR people?"

"No actually. It was Fenrnado." She stopped writing. "Fernando?" Fernando had rescheduled it. "He said he felt bad about pulling you away from the segment with Lewis. The marketing team over there are not happy about Fernando giving them an earful this evening so I'd say go over and just thank them." Her boss said. "An earful?"

"Yes, he said bugging them all evening to fit you in for your segment. You're all about the questions today." She nodded along. "Yeah, yeah. I- mmh. Perks of being an interviewer. Look, I'll call you back tomorrow. In just finishing this up for the weekend preview. I'll send it on over when it's done." She said hanging up the phone and looking out her window into nothing. What alternate dimension was she in that Fernando was so nice? Did he hit his head or something? What was with him. It was weird, it was strange.

The day after, Fernando was walking into the paddock. His trainer had gone in before him but since Fernando forgot his pass he had to run back to the car and grab it quickly. "Fernando!" He turned, expecting to see a fan but instead spotted Y/n, jogging towards him. "Ah, good morning, Y/n." He smiled. "How are you, my friend?" He asked as she caught up. "I"m good, you?" She asked. "I'm doing good. Thank you." He replied. "Um, I just wanted tk say thank you for rescheduling that interview." She said. "Oh, that was nothing. It was simply a thank you for interviewing me and changing your plans up." He turned to face her. "It's what friends do." He scanned his pass and let her go in first, before scanning his own pass. "So, are you looking forward to your interview with Lewis?" He asked as they walked in the paddock. "I'm not with Lewis." She said. He looked at her, a grin on his face. "I didn't say you were. I said-"

"I know, but everyone thinks im with Lewis. My boss even thinks I slept with him but-" She paused. "I don't know why I told you. I'll go." She said quickly. "Wait, wait. We'll since you are not eith Lewis and I am most definitely not with anyone-" Y/n looked as her face turned red from embarrassment. "How about we head out after the race. Just as friends, nothing more." A smile tugged at her lips, before she agreed. "Very good, I'll be seeing you around." Fernando smiled, and disappeared into the McLaren hospitality while Y/n walked around as muddled as the day before.

[zuyoo]

s-aint. yūta x afab!reader, ﹙외설﹚ drabble

CONTENT WARNING — college setting, mdni! suggestive content, mastermind yūta (real), mentions of onIyf4ns, jerking off, subtle pervy themes.

SYNOPSIS — wherein the classroom’s good boy, okkotsu yūta, finds out the quiet girl’s secret… your secret.

ZUYOO’S NOTES — ohoho dirty, dirty boy (i love him) p.s. click the “s” in s-aint to see the masterlist!!

given how much people ask for his assistance on a daily basis, how come you’ve never asked for his help? it was concerning, unsettling, suspicious even.

it bothered him to the extent that he tried to find any way to help you, and grabbed those chances every time he does.

you emitted an aura that entices him. as in… if you were in a crowd of people, he would immediately notice where you were standing. an aura that captivates him… like, a sense of familiarity?

“good morning, [name].”

“oh, hey! good morning, [name].”

“you’re early today, [name]. good morning.”

he greeted you with delight, every. single. day. asking you questions regarding your morning to lengthen the conversation. he could sense your hesitance at first, but you grew comfortable with it eventually.

he loved feeling a sense of responsibility. the concept of him being the “reliable” one excites him. though, being the only one people usually depend on is tiring. to why he could never be more grateful of his apartment, his safe space to be himself.

he finally gets his peace and quiet, his alone time, where no one can see and disturb him from doing what he wants.

it would be such a sight to see the class’ renowned saint just jerking himself off, on his bed, to a girl on social media… right?

what would he ever do if someone were to catch him moaning out a name of some girl he doesn’t even know and haven’t even seen yet?

he discovered an account called ‘kissnyx’ on a random frustrating monday, who would’ve thought that it would turn into an addiction? certainly not yūta, himself.

after forming a habit of scrolling through “nyx”’s account, he looked forward to getting home as soon as possible and finally being able to let out some frustration. it didn’t take long before the said habit turned into a hyper fixation.

yūta is simply lucky that he still has the right amount of dignity and control to keep up with his image in school.

yūta, as a class representative, is usually the one who arranges papers of the class; test papers, assessments, projects, and such. where he noticed your name. your scores in some subjects were great—the others were… below average? per se.

which is when he suggested to your professor to allow him to tutor you and get your grades up on your weak subjects.

being the saint yūta is, the professor agreed there and then. the professor immediately contacted you regarding the tutoring session.

the professor was about to do everything himself, the schedule and such, but yūta volunteered to handle it and asked for your contact so that he could contact you instead.

“my, my. you’re such an angel, yūta! well, now that that’s settled. you can check my class record for her contact number.”

“thank you, professor.”

he saw this chance to finally be able to help you with something without you asking for his help. and a chance to get closer to another classmate. he has an image to keep up, he needs to feel self satisfaction in what he does before he can actually rest.

not so saintly of him, right?

it kind of looked painfully obvious that he was desperate to help you, as if he liked you. but given that he helps everyone around him, people disregarded his action towards you since it was “the normal” for yūta anyways.

as per the agreement, you two only met for your tutoring sessions on tuesdays and thursdays. it felt awkward during the first few sessions, but it didn’t take long for the both of you to feel comfortable in each other’s presence.

this is also the time when yūta slowly notices the small things, the small habits that you do that is somehow constantly reminding him of the account kissnyx.

as much as he tried to disregard it, it bothered him. your very presence bothered him because it felt… odd? for some reason.

his gut feeling felt that the [name] he was getting to know isn’t really who you are… but that would be impossible, right? you’re too innocent and quiet. he couldn’t imagine you being someone like “nyx”.

like, sure… you have the beauty- and the body… that a guy would love. given how you dress up in school, no one really notices how beautiful you looked. but then again, you and nyx were two completely different people. maybe it was just his delusion.

it was obvious that you were covering your tattoos because it was against the dress code, so perhaps the tattoo you could barely cover with concealer that he saw in between your… defined… collarbones were coincidentally the same like nyx’s.

perhaps you both also coincidentally share the way you cover your faces with your hands when you’re flustered or embarrassed.

maybe it’s just a coincidence that your nails were the same colors as hers that one wednesday.

or that you both have a similar mole near your smooth shoulders.

sure, there were one too many coincidences, but he’s trying his best to not think of your face when his fingers were wrapped around his cock, stroking it as nyx’s moans can be heard in the background.

was it a crush? no… not really… right? but the thought of you possibly being the person behind his one and only favorite alter account…? fuck.

he felt so- dirty. thinking of his innocent, quiet classmate while he fucks his fist in his pitch dark room, filling it with the sound of his groans and slick from the constant pumping.

“shit- need y’… i need [name]-”

his actions stilled, even he was surprised by what he just said. did he just moan out your name?

his cock twitching from the sudden loss of friction but he couldn’t give a fuck less. your name rolled off his tongue so smoothly… too smooth to his liking. he knew that very moment that he wanted you with him… he needed you with him.

masterlist.

—rbs & comments r highly appreciated!!

© zuyoo — do not copy, plagiarize, or translate my work without my permission. i only upload my work in tumblr.

[chocolate-floof]

So while I'm literally punching air over my menstrual pain I thought up a Vought reader scenario with a little real life inspo and would love to see other expand on this idea if they also find it interesting or funny. So, reader ofc works for Vought, they don't really ever work with supes in person as their still climbing the corporate ladder but they do their job well. The only time they've ever spoke to anybody even remotely close to the seven was when Ashley had come to them to ask for an update on homelanders points, as they work on the social media team at Vought, their job in the team was to basically scrub the internet for the publics opinion on vought. They've seen some SHIT from it, including the more... Vulgar displays of the publics opinion from homelander, but they have have to persevere to get that sweet paycheck every Thursday. Growing up in a area where people are normally on the more 'family friendly' with the way they speak had left them severely underprepared for the confidence that the anonymity of the Internet gave people, which allowed them to say basically anything, and they certainly did. Sometimes leading them to go to the bathroom to try and stave of the nausea. They themselves are more of a loner, staying to themselves often time felling awkward and scared of talking their everyday coworker. Sleep deprivation and overworking themselves to try and run from the imposter syndrome constantly eating at them. Your average corporate wage slave one might say. But one day, waking up with a rare dose of confidence that lasted through out the day, they decided they were going to go to a small office party they were going to be having later on that night. They decided to wear a very ~complimenting~ outfit/dress when they go. Homelander is there, he doesn't have anything better to do and he's bored so he sits in on the party, watching. No one comes to him, everybody knows how he can be to those he deems lesser than him. They don't really think about this as they look at him sitting alone in the corner with a far off look in his eyes, their sympathy genuinely clouding their better judgement. They walk up to him unannounced, nearly startling him as they said "hi." in a quiet tone with a small smile. He looks over, suddenly hearing them next to him, further away than he had thought, it sounded like you had spoken directly into his ear. "Hello?" He said, genuinely confused at why you had just walked up to him. "A-are you enjoying the party?" They ask, trying to start a small conversation. He almost immediately snaps into his 'work face' "oh yeah, it's nice that you guys have these... Little.. get-togethers. I, uh.. I like the work you guys do here, you guys do... alot for Vought, we'd be NOWHERE without.. you guys!" He gives a little chuckle afterwards. They, immediately felt like the entire sentence was nearly.. rehearsed? Fake? It just wasn't right but they tried not to let their anxiety and paranoia get the best of them and respond with a "thank you, that definitely means a lot coming from you." They were fighting their nerves suddenly feeling cold all over. "I'm glad that I can help Mister.homelander, sir" they imagine slamming their face against every surface possible as they they choke, suddenly feeling like a golf ball was in their throat, sweat collecting in their hair. Before they can manage to squeeze anything out another man walk up to them, tapping them on the shoulder. They turn to him and he asks them out. They immediately feel the ball in their throat get even bigger, thinking of a way to get out, to just go before they suddenly burst into tears. "N-No..." They say before just turning and walking out as fast as they could straight to the elevators and back home. homelander was very confused at what had just happened, how quick their emotions had just rose and fallen in quick succession suddenly feeling his curiosity peaked. The next day he comes to visit the office area, asking for you describing your appearance.

"Oh you mean y/n? Their fucking tweaking in the bathroom right now" answer one of them

"what?"

"Their freaking out." They supply

"Why?"

"read this."

"WHAT THE FUCK"

[f1]

Verstappen reveals how hard virus hit him ahead of Saudi Arabian GP | 2023 Australian Grand Prix

Championship leader Max Verstappen says he is looking forward to the break in racing between the Australian Grand Prix and Baku after admitting his illness before Jeddah affected him more than he expected. Verstappen missed Thursday media commitments in Saudi Arabia after Red Bull announced he had been battling a stomach bug. He returned to the paddock on Friday and completed the race weekend without incident. Speaking ahead of the Australian Grand Prix this weekend, Verstappen admitted he has still not completely recovered from the effects of his illness and will use the long gap before the next race in Azerbaijan to recover. “A couple of weeks ago I would say that I was not looking forward to [the break],” Verstappen said. “But then I got really ill and I’ve just been struggling a bit since that time, especially the last race. “So for me now those three weeks is just getting back to like full fitness, getting a full programme in. So in a way it’s probably nice now.” The large break in racing was caused by the cancellation of the Chinese Grand Prix due to ongoing logistical complications over Covid. Verstappen says that if he had not been sick, he would not have welcomed the gap in competition. “Normally if you just feel well, I think I would also prefer to keep racing,” he said. “It has nothing to do with looking into the car, trying to make it faster – I think that’s a natural process – but it’s a bit weird to have like three weeks off and especially that early on in the season.” Advert | Become a RaceFans supporter and go ad-free After missing media day in Jeddah on Thursday, Verstappen dominated the early weekend in Saudi Arabia, topping all three practice sessions and Q1 before a driveshaft failure dropped him to 15th on the grid. In the race, the Red Bull driver recovered to finish on the podium in second behind team mate Sergio Perez. Verstappen says he underestimated the impact his illness in the lead up to the race weekend in Saudi Arabia would have on his fitness in Jeddah. “I refused to believe it myself for a long time, because at home I was really ill – I could barely just walk around,” he explained. “I felt like I was just missing a lung. “I got to the weekend really believing that it was gone, because normally when when you get sick, like two or three days after, you’re normally alright, you can just do your workouts. But then when I jumped in the car in FP1, even just one performance lap I felt like I had to recover for two laps to be able to breathe normally. “So it definitely did affect me throughout the weekend, which I didn’t like because it was one of the first races where I just felt like I was physically limited and that’s really frustrating when you’re on the car.” He says he is in better condition for this weekend’s race. “I’ve been trying to work on it, trying to improve it and I do think that it has improved a lot. So normally this weekend should be alright. “I think it was just all coming together and Jeddah is quite a tough track in general – when you don’t feel well, it hits hard on you. But these things unfortunately happen, you catch a virus and stuff. So hopefully from now onwards for the rest of the year, I should be okay.” Advert | Become a RaceFans supporter and go ad-free 2023 Australian Grand Prix Browse all 2023 Australian Grand Prix articles via RaceFans - Independent Motorsport Coverage https://www.racefans.net/

[oh-phineas]

New Year, New Team | Self Para

Date: January 2nd, 2024 Featuring: Axel Warnings: None

Thursday morning was back to business as usual, Phineas and Axel had decided. Not that Axel had an official position with Build a Brand, but Phineas had hired him as a freelance "consultant" and they were falling into a routine now. A routine that involved making decisions in agreement with Axel.

"What the fuck is up, man?" Axel said jovially as he walked into the garage, clapping Phineas on the back.

Phineas flinched. "Hey," he said, mustering a smile, but he was nowhere near his level of normal Flynnism. In fact, Axel was more Flynnish than Phineas was right now.

"Still workin' off the ol' New Year's hangover?" Axel chuckled.

"Yeah," Phineas replied. "Something like that."

Phineas didn't actually feel hungover. His hangovers usually had some element of satisfaction to them, like at least he felt shitty for a good reason. Right now, he just felt tired. Phineas normally zoomed into Build-a-Brand meetings high on the excitement of another day of being a business owner, before he even had his usual Red Bull. But ever since Pip had quit, the whole thing had this dark shadow over it that just sucked that energy out.

Axel was a good collaborator. He kept things moving, even when Phineas was sluggish. But sometimes, it seemed like Phineas was speaking a different language from him. He was obsessed with metrics, making a daily ritual of going through their social media engagement numbers and quarterly projections. He'd even started asking Phineas to compile those metrics into presentations. Even though Phineas was the one who had hired him.

"If we're gonna keep shopping around to investors, we need to be prepared," Axel pointed out. It seemed like sound enough logic.

But there was something missing. Phineas didn't race into the garage for each meeting, excited to see him and work with him. He didn't have this fire in him anymore that Phineas had always chalked up to loving the work but that he now wondered may have had more to do with who was doing the work. Obviously Pip and Axel weren't interchangeable. But Phineas hadn't expected it to feel like this.

And now, after that fight in the bathroom on New Year's Eve...

We're not business partners. And we're not friends.

"Hey, did you get those numbers together?" Axel asked. "Now that we're in a new fiscal, we have a great opportunity to show what you've been doing over the past year. And there is a lot of room for improvement, obviously, but I think investors will see with the personnel changes you've made-"

"Well, I didn't make any changes," Phineas said, looking at Axel blankly. "Pip quit."

He didn't know why that felt important to point out. But it did.

Axel blinked at him, then chuckled to fill the awkward silence. "Right. But we're not gonna tell investors that," Axel said. "We have to show them that we're being intentional, that we're not in any kind of chaotic situation right now."

Phineas felt like he was in a chaotic situation. And it was tempting to adopt Axel's narrative, because it was exactly the kind of thing you were supposed to do in the start-up world: to spin everything. But it felt so wrong to pretend Pip had been intentionally fired, instead of quitting on his own.

He looked at Axel plaintively, who rolled his eyes. "Phin. I know he's your boy and all, but you gotta let it go. We're just doing what's best for the business. I can handle presenting this shit at the meetings, if you don't think you're up to it-"

"No, no, it's fine. It's my business now," Phineas said, and he hated the way those words sat in his mouth. My business. Nothing had ever been just his. He'd always been a co-founder, a co-owner, a co-president, a co-host. Axel was kind of acting like the co-CEO— in fact, at times, he was acting like the CEO— but he wasn't. "Do we have any meetings lined up, then?"

"I thought you were scheduling those," Axel said, with a look on his face that made Phineas feel two inches tall.

"Well, I was, but-"

"It's fine. I'll just do it," Axel said, shaking his head. "I feel like it's probably gonna sound weird coming from your freelancer, but, y'know. I'll figure it out."

Guilt flooded Phineas. Was he letting Axel down, too? Was it even fair to make Axel a freelancer, or was it time to finally ask him to be his co-CEO, and ask Pip to give up his share...?

No, the guilt wasn't enough to make him do that, either. So he was just stuck in this cycle.

Phineas pulled up his email and started scrolling through contacts. "I'll reach out to some people," he said. "But if you know anyone, you can, too."

"Got it," Axel said, still sounding dubious.

They worked in silence for a while. Eventually, Axel put on his music, grating dubstep remixes that Pip would have hated and Phineas might have enjoyed under other circumstances, but that was overshadowed by thinking about how much Pip would have hated them.

"He's not my boy," Phineas eventually said, breaking the silence.

"What?" Axel looked up from his work.

"Pip. We're not really speaking anymore."

"Oh," Axel replied disinterestedly. "You didn't include the attachment on that email you CC'd me on, by the way."

"Sorry."

"It's cool."

And then they were back to working wordlessly, the bass pounding against Phineas's skull relentlessly.

[krillest1]

Week 12: Garble Garble

BECAUSE TURKEYS SAY GOBBLE Hello again. I'm writing this a day early, but scheduling it to be posted on Thursday in the interest of the "schedule." We shall see. This was a strange week. I read a lot, and I've moved on to the Romans. It's been strange to see the similarities and differences there, and to be reminded of my unknowing. I'm not history buff (or anything buff), and it's been interesting to learn a bit about that. I realized, for example, that I had a malformed idea of what 'crossing the rubicon' implies. I also had a... lapse or failure yesterday. I spent literally the entire day on social media. This was upsetting for a few reasons. First, I thought I had escaped my servitude to pleasure. Second, I've been telling people how well I'm doing at avoiding social media, so I feel shame. Third, it made me feel like I'm wasting my time (actually, I felt like my life was a waste and this prompted me to cover that feeling up by using social media). Strange, but a good chance to learn and think interesting things. In observance of a super cool and normal holiday, I'll be writing about gratitude this week.

'THE PROJECT' I've spent the last few years looking for a project to dedicate myself to. I picked up the concept from Heidegger, I think, and decided I wanted to take myself up in a specific way. More than that, I realized that the way I was living was not sustainable. I have been grasping desperately for meaning, which is pretty standard. I've come up with a few different projects throughout the years. Highlights include: total withdrawal, total commitment to knowing, pleasure, and a sort of pseudo-Buddhist abandoning of desire. I think the idea that our lives are 'projects' is kind of strange. A telos, even self-imposed, requires heavy lifting that I am not equipped to do. The idea that we have a say over what we do, or even think, is also a little bit suspect to me. One of my greatest fears, actually, is that all of the thinking and speaking we do is just covering up an ape-like posturing. We are natural things, and nature is cruel and without meaning. In the face of that, there is no project in a meaningful sense. There's just a recognition, or mis-recognition, of our place in the hierarchy and a recognition or mis-recognition of what we need to do to secure a more advantageous position for ourselves in said hierarchy. It's worth noting that I don't feel (I think you can see how the idea of thinking or feeling gets muddled here; that's why I used recognition above) that I fit in to a hierarchy. I am not going to have kids, or make money, and I'm working on being ok with that. It seems, then, that my project might not be a taking-up, but a coming to terms with. I'm not sure what, in all honesty. my 'project' is but I've been trying to develop one for a long time now.

GRATITUDE IN UNKNOWING The latest iteration of the project I've come up with is gratitude in unknowing. Bolstered by semi-regular exercise (walking, nothing crazy) and 'meditation' (not really, just orientation), I try to be grateful in unknowing. I also repeat the mantra 'today I am grateful in my unknowing' to myself multiple times a day. It's not perfect (cf: my failure from yesterday), but it's been one of the more stable structures I've developed over the years. I'm going to parse my mantra a little further directly below. Gratitude is not a feeling, at least in the way I use it daily. It is an action. Gratitude is an orientation that is grounded in knowing. If we are grateful for something we don't grasp on to it, but we want to hold it in clarity. We want to understand the things that make it up, and its place in the world. We want to know it, in some sense. I don't know why this is what gratitude is to me. It's not a definition I thought myself towards (I'm ultimately a deeply illogical thing). Instead, I value things being interesting, and I'm grateful for things being interesting, and the interesting is rooted in knowing, for me. There's some circularity going on in that explanation, oh well. Gratitude does get close to a feeling for me in that it requires care. Things are so complex and interesting that grasping them in a single mode/frame is to do a disservice to them. This is particularly true of people (more on this later). So, to be grateful for something is to orient oneself towards it in an interested, careful way. I am not, as we've established, a particularly smart person. More than that, there's a lot I don't know (and that I can't know, since I'm a bit dumb). The split between caring about knowing/the interesting, and my limitations, has caused me a bit of pain in my life. I wanted to be a knowing thing, and show others that I was knowing. I tried to got to graduate school, and realized in the process of applying that I am not equipped for this kind of thinking. I still, however, love the interesting. This left me in a bit of a bind. Recently I've tried to synthesize gratitude and being an unknowing thing. Instead of knowing a thing/person totally, I try to hold them in clarity from multiple points of view, and acknowledging the things I don't know. My emotions are similar, and have a relationship to the outer that's complicated in that they structure my encounter with a thing, but that is also something which I can know only partially. Whatever. The point is that I can create a nice loop wherein I am grateful for something, see it in partial clarity, recognize what I don't know, try to know it while knowing I can't know it, and deepen my gratitude for it. This is garbled, and embarrassing, but I'm trying to build a life here.

THE OTHER The project partially outline above has been mixed in its results. I, for example, still go on social media sometimes. I also find myself wanting the other, in a way that would be sexual or loving. I can't shake this, no matter how hard I try. Being grateful in unknowing means that I don't set definite limits on a thing, or myself, both because that's less interesting and because I can't encounter the world like that. Falling in love, or whatever, requires doing this though. I think so, at least. I have never healthily (or really at all) tried to love somebody else. I find myself feeling lonely, or caught up in a deep and crushing desire semi-frequently. I haven't quite figured out how to navigate that yet. A related point is that I don't know how to... be around or in relation to others. I feel a constant shame and fear (I'm working through it, not in therapy though) around the fact that I've 'wasted' my life. This relates to the other in that I compare myself to others in determining waste, and in that I feel that people (especially my parents) have a telos in mind that I cannot achieve. All of these points are bleeding together, and I'm not doing a good job keeping them kosher. Even when I'm talking to somebody, I'm constantly afraid that I'm boring them, or that I'm going to fail. It's been interesting to become aware of how much fear influences my life, and try (and fail) to work through that. The point, however, is that I am not sure how to interact with others. I find them interesting, but I often find myself wanting to be interesting to them, which is wrong. I don't know how to interact with others, but I find it interesting. To close, I guess, the meat of this week: I'm trying to figure things out, and not doing a very good job. I've been (in petite-bourgeoisie form) freed from material concerns for most of my life up to this point, which means I've been left without a real direction. That, paired with my fear of people(?), means that I have had to really try and construct a framework. I don't feel good or right engaging with the institutions and paths that other people make use of. Maybe it's weakness, or something. I try to read, and do a little LISP, and find interest in all of my interactions and loneliness. I'm not sure if it's sustainable, but I guess that's part of the point of this blog

AND THIS IS GARBLED I like thanksgiving, and I'm excited for it this year. My time on social media yesterday was (distressingly) fun, and it got me thinking about how we need some new analysis for the material structure of the world/economy right now. Maybe I'll try to explore that in future posts. It'll be a failure (I'm dumb), but it'll be interesting. I've, again, spent most of the week alone. Language has gotten slippery again, and I have forgotten a lot of what I've read. Even so, forgetting is part of unknowing, and I am grateful in my unknowing. It's hard for me to avoid fantasy, and wanting of a desperate variety. Maybe the chance to work through those things is good, but I feel a hang up about dedicating myself totally to my current project. It feels like I could wake up one day full of regret, wishing i had pursued... what, a semi-normal life maybe? At any rate, there are still some kinks to work out. I am also scared that I am going to get bad again, and spend all my free time in bed mindlessly scrolling that chans, tiktok, and reddit. A note on fear: it really was eye-opening for me this week to recognize all of the fears I felt. Sometimes the ground I stand on is fear, of being dumb or whatever. I can work through that, but I find fear lurking in all times and in all things. My body, my thoughts, my sleep, all become objects of fear. I would like to avoid this, but I think it takes work. Today, that work looks like me being grateful in my unknowing. Love ya, happy thanksgiving.

[essiekuko]

thursday rant

i loveeee those 2000s photos where the filter is so warm

i fear i may be rb too many @n@ jokes on my main cause my followers might not be @n@ and are just there for coquette, not expecting to see anything 4n4 related on main. and even tho i might not get termed for just rbs, i feel like it could happen, so i try not to rb too many 4n4 jokes in one day

i ♡ ruslana sm!! fly high princess 😢

some ppl are just easily born with the model features. tall, sl1m and pretty <33 its like there's no other perfect job for them

HOLD ON HOLD ONNNNN...soundcloud replay is a thing?!!

i solely use apple music and soundcloud for music, i use apple podcasts for unreleased ldr too. im so excited to see my overall apple music & souncloud replays at the end of this year <33

my secret tumblr acc is not even a secret anymore. its more like my twt is my secret social media lmfao tumblr is tame compared to twt

also how do i ALREADY have followers on twt when i swear i made it once and then didnt even interact or anything after that

HOW TF IS THE ONLY COUNTRY TWT IS CHARGING THE NEW USER ANNUAL FEE TO THE COUNTRY I LIVE IN????!?!?!?AAAAAA

when u 3at, u lose ur her01n ch1c beauty, and a face that nobody could tell what to do

i did 3at today, after a 43hr f4st, and for once i dont feel bad. its like my st0m4ch was crying for this food, and i just know its all going to burn off. usually by 5pm i lose my senses and 3at, like when i walked past the slow cooker and mindlessly picked up a chicken piece. and then i had the urge to c/s, but i didnt i just 4te it. and i 4te my cravings that i'd been having, like all those fries on the bench, and the toast that i burnt for my sister and knew noone else was gonna eat, and the pringles my brother brought home that i initially ignored, and the porridge my sister didn't want anymore. and i don't feel anything. and now im going to 3at din for like the 1st time in a week, and restart my fast without caring. b1ng1ng after a 43h f4st is way better than b1ng1ng in a row. my wl cals (yk, if i actually did 3at everyday) is 1000cal a day, but i barely eat up to that a day like wtf that’s insane. and that’s when i’m not f4st1ng, now look i’m fasting, and i pretty much can expect steady wl with it. i had 1860 cal right after a 43h f4st, and yk at least its lower than my maintenance c4l0r13s so im defs not going to gain after it. especially not after that high score i just set for myself, so next time i 3at it's gotta be after 43hrs, where i might as well reach 2 days. and we'll see, i jst gotta avoid the kitchen at din time (5-6pm) so i dont just mindlessly pick food up. obv my longest f4st was 74h, and i might just beat it with this next f4st

how could someone lose only 1kg a week. i remember when i once did a 3 day f4st i lost 2kg in those 3 days. imagine if i went for like a week/7 days. i'd lose 4kg in a week. and 2 weeks? boom, 10kg down on the clock. literally how is 70kg a good w8 for 5'6. like how is that even bmi 25. i get how, but it doesn't feel right to be over 100lb/45kg. even if being 5'6 and 154lb is normal, its just not normal to me, and i want to be my kind of normal. like wdym when i was 70kg i was normal. helllll noooo b1tch i still felt fvcking f4t. and i wanna go especially lower yk. like, my first gw is 70 (to come off 73 after i g41n3d back up huhu), and then to 65, and then to 50. and from 50, we'd go lowerrrr and reach that fabled 45 :)

i miss mid 2010's/por vida era kali uchis smmm 😢 i could tell she had a major influence from 50's-70's, and she said so herself, and it connects her to lana del ray sm more especially since she opened for her during her honeymoon tour <3 i'll drop my fav pics of her soon

i want those strappy, ribbony heels so bad, like silvermist's shoes. i used to have this huge tinkerbell poster over my bed when i was younger, and silvermist's outfit looked the best to me, especially her shoes, and they were so fun to draw. im definitely recreating this outfit when i find some ribbon heels

i love soft summer sm <33 layla from buffalo 66 made light blue my favorite color

my fav color used to be mauve, after colorpop's mauve palette

thissss <//3 thankfully this is my last skl year, hopefully it'd be less awkward in uni. my quietest class

omg wait guys hold on. laufey just came on and now i have to drop to my knees and bash the floor

laufey's vocals are so crunchy and crispy and ouugghhhh

okay anyway, so yea, my quietest class this year (and possibly in my entire life) was biology. it didn't make things any better that my assigned seat was in the 2nd row to the front. every time my st0m4ch gr0wls in a quiet room i fear that ppl will know that im st4rv1ng and obv to the normal mind thats bad, but to me i love it yk, and im probably the best i could be when u hear my st0m4ch gr0wl lmfao, way happier than if i 4te

BAHAHAH THIS. i shouldnt be laughing, bc theres ppl out there who genuinely feel this. if u want it so bad, just become ur own rockstar bf. courtney love says not to mangle urself trying to get the school football captain - become the school football captain. become ur own rockstar bf, its tht simple love

saying this after my heavy liking kurt cobain phase lmfao. now i like courtney love and my whole life changed

LMFAOO i used to have this friend in y9 who lied abt her life all the damn time it was so obv. but lowk so entertaining hihi just knowing how many fake stories she was pouring out and playing along and OMFG asking questions to further expand the story and she answers so confidently with her whole chest. sm fun

[bllsbailey]

Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough Bend the Knee, Meet Trump at Mar-a-Lago for First Time in Seven Years 😂

MSNBC's "Morning Joe" co-hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski shocked viewers Monday morning, revealing they had traveled to Mar-a-Lago to meet with the second coming of Hitler ... er, Donald Trump.

The pair kicked off the show noting that they've heard from "so many people," including "political leaders" who are outright "dismayed at President-elect Trump's cabinet nominations. 

"And they are scared," Brzezinski claimed.

And thus, media firefighters that they are, she and Joe decided to run straight into the flames of Hell.

"Last Thursday, we expressed our own concerns on this broadcast and even said we would appreciate the opportunity to speak with the President-elect himself," Mika continued. "On Friday, we were given the opportunity to do just that."

"Joe and I went to Mar-a-Lago to meet personally with President-elect Trump. It was the first time we have seen him in seven years."

The host reported that Trump was "cheerful" and "upbeat" during the visit, even though the pair have been two of his most vocal critics in recent years.

It was just days before the election that Brzezinski was fighting off tears over the prospect of a second Trump term, having described his rally at Madison Square Garden as "one weird, white nationalist, Nazi-type rally."

So you could see the disdain on her face as she described meeting the leader of that "Nazi-type rally."

Joe rescued her, interjecting before she threw up in her mouth a bit, and noted the discussion with Trump was fruitful. They covered topics like abortion, the mass deportation of illegal aliens, and worries that he might retaliate against his political opponents and media outlets.

"It's going to come as no surprise to anybody who watches this show - has watched it over the past year, or over the past decade - that we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of issues," Scarborough relayed. "And we told him so."

So brave. So stunning.

Added Mika, "What we did agree on was to restart communications." 

Brzezinski would add that Trump seemed "interested in finding common ground with Democrats on some of the most divisive issues."

Still, they knew that glimmer of hope would not be enough for viewers, and Mika felt compelled to justify their actions to their audience.

"And for those asking why we would go speak to the President-elect during such fraught times - especially between us - I guess I would ask back, 'Why wouldn't we?'" she wondered.

"Five years of political warfare has deeply divided Washington and the country. We have been as clear as we know how in expressing our deep concerns about President Trump's actions and words in the coarsening of public debate."

That's going to be a hard sell to an audience that despises Trump to his core (mostly due to MSNBC's misinformation warfare) but who also believes Joe and Mika helped mainstream him during his 2016 presidential campaign before their falling out.

Watching the blowback on this one is going to be glorious.

Keep in mind these are the same people who forced NBC to drop former RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel after she had been hired as an analyst. Scarborough, you may recall, threw a temper tantrum and insisted she would never appear on his show because of her ties to Trump.

Now, they're using Mar-a-Lago as an Airbnb so they can get back in with the cool crowd again.

The defensive tone continued as Joe vowed to keep up the good fight.

"Don't be mistaken," he said. "We're not here to defend or normalize Donald Trump. We're here to report on him and to hopefully provide you insights that are going to better equip all of us in understanding these deeply unsettling times."

They're only unsettling to you, Joe. The rest of us are optimistic and dancing - literally - at what the future holds.

[i-jxta]

June 13, 2024 | Thursday | 140PM

Growing up I was very sheltered by my mom. I couldn't do anything the kids my age were doing. I couldn't go anywhere and when I was allowed to go anywhere I could only be outside for 2 hours without my mom spam calling my phone. I found no peace outside with friends and even less when I was at home. I've lived in a city that most people fantasize about living in their entire lives and I haven't experienced any of it. I don't know what it feels like to be at a party with friends, or what it's like to enjoy yourself at a club/bar. I don't know what it's like to meet a friend of a friend or have an unexpectedly pleasant conversation with someone you just met. I don't know what it's like to be drunk or to dance. I don't know what it's like to connect with different kinds of people.

The other day I talked to a co-worker of mine and she invited me to an event at TAO Downtown. I asked her what time and she responded "The doors open at 1130PM". "1130PM?!" I thought. Is that normal? Do parties start that late? A part of me immediately thought to herself "Your mom would never let you out at that time". I learned all the rules I needed to know to survive my mother. These weren't rules she laid out clearly to me but were rules I made up to avoid upsetting her. Let me preface this by saying that these rules may very well apply to any child and their safety. However, these rules went beyond that and into my adulthood.

1.) Going outside after 12PM was "too late" and I made as well stay home if someone asked me to hang out after noon

2.) I can't go out multiple times a week. I can only go out once a week and I need to ask permission for it days in advance. Nothing spontaneous.

3.) I had to be home before the sunset (reasonable for a child), but it applied to me as an adult as well. This means my curfew in the winter would be around 4PM and my curfew in the summer would be 730-8PM

4.) I couldn't hang out with anyone who I had mentioned to my mom months in advance.

5.) No sleepovers, no overnight senior trips, no trips out of state, no trips to other countries, no parties.

6.) Had to check in with my mom every few minutes if I was allowed out, if not then she would spam call me and harass me.

7.) Couldn't have friends over because my mom would police me and make me uncomfortable.

8.) Constantly has check my phone and my social media.

9.) Can't wear what I want without getting critiqued or called a whore.

10.) If I had a partner, I had to keep it a secret or my mom would constantly harass me and never leave me alone accusing me of only ever having sex when I was with this person. If she finds out, then she will constantly degrade my partner and tell me that I am stupid and that the other person is ugly and worthless. And or threaten to hurt my partner.

That's all I can really think of right now and you may read this and say "PSH, you're so sensitive I grew up with similar rules. This is just normal parent behavior!". It's one thing to read these rules and it's another to actually abide by them. I spent my childhood years and teenage years in my home. A home where I was being emotionally abused, manipulated and repressed. It's not like I was having a fabulous time at home and had no desire to live a life outside of it. My mom and sister didn't accept who I was as an individual and never made self-expression easy for me. There was no way out for me. I was always forcing myself to be someone I wasn't for the sake of my mom's happiness and self-worth. I have no identity. I am an empty shell. I was feeling these immense feelings as a child and being told to stop crying. Any time I felt a negative emotion my mom saw it as a reflection of the kind of mother she was. If I was sad, then she must fucking suck. If I was bored, then she must've not given me enough. I was I was angry, I simply had no right to be. I had no rights or boundaries as I child.

I had to be whoever everyone wanted me to be. If I disappointed in any way then I should be punished and shunned. My entire life has been a performance and I've put on such a good show that I've completely blurred the lines between what's real and fake. The audience is never meant to understand that the performer is a real person. I need to give everyone what they want or else no one will want to know me or be around me.

Not only was I sheltered from everyone else, but I was also being broken apart at home. There is nothing here. Nothing in my house, nothing in my body. I've never had a chance to be like any of you. I'll never feel like any of you. & not because I think I'm better than all of you but because I feel like it's too late to genuinely fit in anymore. I was intentionally or unintentionally separated from the experiences I should've had as a child. Now I'm 23 and I feel like a baby. I don't know what to say to any of you. Or how to behave around anyone. I feel awkward and out of place. I'm afraid that you all can tell that I am inexperienced and that that'll be a reason for everyone to laugh at me.

I really hope that one day I'll be able to share my story with anyone interested. I hope that people will listen and sympathize with me honestly and it sounds really pathetic hoping for people to sympathize with my story, but it's what I would've wanted as a child too. For someone to see me and for someone to understand why some things are scary and hard for me. Right now, I feel really alone and I feel like everyone is so far away from me no matter how "close" we get. Logically, I understand that there are lots of people out there who feel the same way I do and can relate. I hope to be able to some of you one day, maybe even just one of you, just to let you know that I get it and you're not as alone as you feel. I hope I'll find the right words to say and find the right actions to take some day, so I can reach you.

[indigo474]

31924

one thing I've learned 1 thing I know for sure is that my feelings aren't going to kill me and it is OK to feel them. it's probably totally normal to feel lonely sometimes. I should probably not go down a social media rabbit hole comparing my life to a strangers life. Monday's are long. I think I've worked out a schedule, with the help of James. Monday, Tuesday lift- Wednesday rest- Thursday lift at the gym- Friday run- Sat run, Sunday lift gym and run depending on how I feel. Wednesday rest day is going to be hard. I ran last wed and I could tell my legs were tired from lifting the day before. I don't feel lonely all the time- hardly ever. I felt more lonely when I was married. I dont know what it was about Sunday.

I got myself in another possible situation at work- because I had a feeling. fuck fuck fuck. I had this account and for some reason I emailed it to myself on the 10th with the subject "concerned"- a rep was suppose handle it and she did a month later but it just did not sit right with me.. I see the report and this account jumps out at me so I look at it again and I decided to listen to the call- I listen and sure enough the rep didn't do what she said she would and this makes me look like a freak because I am checking accounts that are marked OK. somehow I knew this account wasn't take care of the way it should have been- SO.. I sent an email out to the reps super to listen and I am curious to see if this comes back to me like why the fuck are you digging into accounts- which i'm not- I just knew this account wasn't right. sometimes I just know things- i'm not sure how or why but I know things I shouldn't know. another thing I've learned- its always a good idea to trust that voice that tells me I know something because it is always right--- I just have a feeling this is going to come back to me-

[grigs1lk]

Social Media Experiment

I am not an avid social media user but I am pretty tied to my phone when it comes to texts, emails, and news (local and global). When I was tracking my social media usage earlier this month, I was fairly happy with how much I use my phone and social media. I rarely post on Facebook or Instagram these days so that was not really a problem for me. I still haven't made a social media post all week. However, I do work in an office so I am on a computer for almost 8 hours a day during the week, then with my classes I'm on a computer a lot outside of work as well.

For this experiment, going a full 24 hours straight without using any technology was not an option for me so I had to break it up. However, I was able to go most of Thursday without it. I started on Friday and decided not to use my phone while I was at work at all. I told my husband and my daughter the night before that I wouldn't be using my phone so if it was an emergency they could call me at work. They didn't thankfully. I turned my phone off on Thursday night and instead of using my alarm in the morning, I had my daughter wake me up once she was done taking a shower. Once I got to work, it was immediately hard but not because of social media or anything, but because I listen to a book or music while I'm working. My desktop at work doesn't have Bluetooth so I couldn't listen through my work computer without everyone in the office hearing me. The next part that became hard was during my lunch break. That is usually when I use my phone the most during work, especially since I have an hour for lunch. However, I knew that would happen so I brought a book with me to work that day and read in my office with the door closed. The rest of work on Thursday was ok because I was pretty busy in the afternoon with meetings that the time passed pretty quickly. Once I got home from work on Thursday, I used my phone for about an hour because I had some phone calls that I had to return. For Thursday I went 12 hour without using my phone; 6:30am to 6:30pm. Friday, I did the same thing in the morning, skipped my alarm and had my daughter wake me up when she was done getting ready. I turned my phone off the night before and left it on my desk all of Friday morning. We had a groundbreaking event for a housing project and normally I would be taking photos and videos but I decided that there would be enough people at the event that they could send me the pictures and videos if I asked. I had some things to pick up for the event and a colleague tried to call me to ask me to get something extra but I didn't have my phone so that created a bit of a problem but once I got to the site I had enough time to run to the store and grab what we needed. I forgot to tell my colleagues I was doing this experiment so they were a little worried when I didn't answer but it all worked out. I got off work early on Friday and once I got home I found it hard not to take out my phone and play Sim City on it. Then I thought to clean my house but realized I couldn't listen to music or a book without my phone but I had already started so I finished the job. That was the hardest part of the whole 24 hours. I was going to pick my daughter up from school instead of making her ride the bus but I didn't want to turn my phone on and let her know I was coming to get her so I decided to just let her ride the bus. Once my daughter got home we decided to go see "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" play and I told my husband that I was leaving my phone at home and to call Z if he needed anything. Once we got back home, my twelve hours were up.

I realized that I am completely dependent on my phone to entertain me throughout the day with either books or music. I already knew I wasn't tied to social media, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to do my job or clean my house without a book or music. I could have played it through my laptop or Alexa, but I felt like that was cheating so I refrained but it was pretty difficult. Right now I am remodeling my house so I have an apartment for the short-term so my record player is at my house and I was really wishing I had it with me. I also found myself taking breaks from work to switch tabs and got to the NPR website or some other news source to be caught up on the news. Normally, I get a bunch of notifications from different news outlets and I feel up to date.

Even with the anxiety I felt not being able to listen to music or books during work and while cleaning, I found that I am fairly happy with my screen time during the day. I average about 4 hours of screen time per day and it's mostly listening to books, music, or reading the news. In the future, I would like to be better about not "doom scrolling" immediately upon waking up. Usually, I wake up, listen to NPR, and then get ready when my daughter is done getting ready. I have to admit, it felt good to have her wake me up rather than my annoying alarm and then immediately start reading news after waking up. I honestly don't know why I do that to myself, but it's just something that I do.

[casspurrjoybell-26]

Made of Steele - Chapter 4

*Warning: Adult Content*

It was Thursday and I was back at school and the moment I stepped inside the halls I felt all eyes on me.

From the two days I was recovering at home from being sick, the news that Hanna and I had broken up had spread not only across school but social media.

Sometimes, being the son of a known billionaire and the stepson of a famous actor sucked, even more now so that they were now married, making me newsworthy whenever something happened without my dad catching it fast enough.

My dad and Evan tried to make it less 'news' as possible but it was out there in the public and already too late to do anything, other than get on with my life.

I wanted a normal high school life and this is just something that came with the territory of choosing your own destiny.

One of those things, were being in the spotlight and just because I was uncomfortable, I was not going to run away like some coward.

"Hey Jamie," my friend, Leo came beside me, as I opened my locker to put my bag into.

"Heard about Hannah, sucks man but we all saw it coming."

I looked at him then scoffed, a small smile reaching my lips as I closed the locker.

"Yeah."

There wasn't anything more to say about it, my friends had spammed me all day yesterday to get gossip out of me and when I said nothing, Hannah had told them everything, which only made them spam me harder to ask if what she was saying was true.

"How are you doing? You look better than what I was told," he asked, as he walked beside me to our first class.

"What?" I said, looking at him confused.

"Hannah might be a bitch now,but she still cares about you, told us you saw a doctor and everything."

I hum and shrug, wondering why she said that, despite the last time I saw her, she was slamming my door and almost breaking the glass because we just broke up.

"Well, I'm fine now, so..."

We reach the classroom and I took a seat in the back, near the window, where the quiet kids usually sit to not talk to anyone but today I was claiming it as my own, as I got here first.

As more and more students start coming into the classroom and sitting down, the sooner the teacher came but to my surprise our regular teacher didn't show up but someone else.

"Mrs. Kim is out sick today, so I'm afraid you all get me," Kit starts, picking up a pen and turning around to write on the whiteboard. "Since I'm just a sub and only a few years older than you seniors, you can call me Kit or Sir the choice is yours," he adds, once he signed his name on the board, along with a book page number.

He had yet to look at me and considering what I did the last time I saw him, I thought he would spot me immediately but luckily for me I was hunched over the table in front of me and being blocked by the girl in front of me.

"Alright, let's do some reading and then I'll pass out a test, so just try your best, alright?" he said, before grabbing a stack of papers and handing them out.

Well, fuck.

I sat up straight in my chair and once I did so and Kit reached the back of the classroom, where I was sitting, he had spot me and done a double look as I looked away from him, awkwardly looking outside.

This was weird.

He reached me and left a test paper on my desk and then turned and walked back to the front of the classroom, I decided to just forget about it and open my book and turn to the page 674 in my book and keep my head down.

I knew this was awkward, not only for me but no doubt for him too, a student, a guy had kissed him but that wasn't the worst part, the worst part for me was that I didn't think it was bad.

I just really wanted to shut him up but I ended up liking it, even if I did kiss him for a split second, it wasn't as disgusting as I thought it would be, he had surprisingly soft lips.

The rest of class went on as normal, we did some stupid test that had something to do with the page on the book and after that he made us watch a boring documentary on the something that had nothing to do with science.

Senior year was too slack considering half of the seniors were completely stressed about college and what we were doing once we graduated, yet teachers and subs were just treating us like children, passing us tests and making us watch videos.

There was really nothing more else to do but wait, exams were over and we had weeks left before graduation.

When the class ended, I lifted my head from the table and wiped my mouth free of drool, I got up from my seat along with everyone else as the bell rang through the air and grabbed my bag.

Thinking it was a good idea at the time, was now the worst I had in a while, as students got out before me, I was the last one left to leave and with Kit standing near the door practically waiting for me, I felt my whole-body cold sweat.

"Do you have a minute, Jamie?" Kit asked, as I reached the classroom door. "I promise this won't take long," he added, smiling handsomely at me.

I knew what he was going to say, before he even said it and that's what made this even more awkward when he closed the door for privacy and then turned around to look at me.

"If this is about... Monday, I uh..." I start, swallowing hard, not sure exactly how to explain myself. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

I snap my eyes to his and frown.

What did he mean by 'why'?

"Huh?"

He shrugged and walked past me to grab his book on the table.

"Did you regret kissing me?" he asked, leaning against the desk with a playful smile on his lips.

"I... uh..." I was so confused.

"I don't understand," I said dumbly, making him stare at me, like he was trying to figure out something.

After an awkward moment of silence, Kit leans off the desk and stepped in front of me, until he was so close to me, I could smell the aftershave on him.

"I'm asking if you regret kissing me, Jamie or did you do it because you like me?" he asked, his voice low as his eyes searched mine.

I was speechless, after-all I half expected him to just drop it or call me out on it privately, I did not expect this reaction out of him, almost like he was asking for reasons unknown.

Why did I kiss him?

Because I wanted to?

To see how it felt?

Curious?

Fuck, I didn't know, now that I think about it, I don't understand what made me do it, he was close and something about him being close to me, made me feel strange in my body, like it moved on it's own.

Did I like him?

Not at all but yet, something about him did leave me curious.

"If you're not mad about it then can we just... drop it?" I force out, looking at him to see his brows raise slightly.

"What if I don't want to?"

"What?"

He kept moving forward, closer to me, until I eventually hit my back against the classroom door, with Kit hovering over me, his face close to mine.

"You're hard," he whispered, as I felt my body tingle as his breath hit my face.

I looked down, nervous, yet curious and when I saw that he was right, I was embarrassed that I didn't even notice and he did but even more embarrassed that I had no control over my body anymore.

Was he messing with me right now?

Or did he actually...

Kit pressed his chest against mine and leaned his head forward, his eyes on mine and his lips inches from mine and in that moment, I should've pushed him away but instead, curious to see what his game was, I held eye contact.

Just before our lips touch, someone knocked on the door behind me and made me jump and move away from him, my heart hammering in my chest as I tried to calm myself down, turning around and trying to think of something disgusting as Kit unlocked the door to see who knocked.

"Oh, sorry I didn't realize this classroom was taken today," another teacher said, looking at me and smiling once I turned around.

"Oh, it's not," Kit said smiling, turning to me as I looked between the two teachers, wanting nothing more than to just leave this awkward situation.

"I should get to class..." I said looking at Kit, smiling weakly as I walked past him and the other teacher.

"Think about what we talked about, Jamie," Kit called out, smiling as the other teacher walked into the classroom.

I didn't say anything back as I turned around and just kept walking towards my next class, thinking of nothing but what just happened, as much as I tried to block it out.

All the way to my next class, I had to wonder what I was doing kissing him and what the hell he was doing not pushing me away when I pounced on him.

I didn't expect it to turn out like this.

Did he like me or something?

Or was he just messing with me?

Either way, I was in no position to act on what I was feeling or not feeling for this guy, another man, given how complicated my life was and how at any moment it could all blow up in not only my face but his if this 'kiss' got out.

I did not know how I felt about him or any of this, whilst I did not dislike what happened nor did I push him away, him as a person just annoyed me, yet I can't hide the way I felt when I was around him.

I was confused and struggling to understand any of this and in times like this I would usually talk to Evan, as he didn't get crazy like my mom or intimidating like my dad, it felt like I was talking to a close friend and he always said shit without thinking, the complete opposite of my parents.

Still, it was too soon, I needed to figure this out on my own before I asked for advice on men, given that Evan would love to have me come to him about 'relationships'.

For now, I just needed to get through the day and hope this day does not get any worse or complicating.