#it feels like i will wait until my deathbed to get to start my life

[thuviel]

just contacted my gender clinic asking what took so fucking long and they

they

they fucking forgot me

they just forgot to book my second appointment

i’ve been waiting for TWO YEARS bc they said they had such a lack of psychologists and i believed that was the reason but no

they just fucking forgot

[sunilys2]

"THE PROPHECY" Kim Sunoo [ Chapter 3 ]

Materlist

Pairing: cursed!Sunoo × godness!reader

Synopsis: On a birthbed, a second-born baby of the cis male gender is cursed according to his village's beliefs. A pact is made by his parents in search of prosperity and glory, they believed that the divine goddess would bring to the baby the end of the catastrophes caused by the curse, good omen and carnal luxuries from the reaching of age, condemning his son to a wonderful life until the inevitable destiny, a peaceful end on his deathbed. However, in every agreement there are two sides and some consequences.

Genre: fantasy, strangers to lovers, romance.

Warnings: mention of religion and beliefs, pacts, curses, angst.

Note: grammatical errors, english is not my native language.

As stunned as Sunoo's parents were, they couldn't do anything about it. The boy's coming of age birthday is today, there's no way to change that.

After the appearance of the goddess, they accepted their fate and decided to enjoy the last moments with their beloved son, pretending that nothing had changed in their lives, as if he wouldn't leave soon.

The birthday would be celebrated in the Kim family's humble home, everything was ready and beautiful. The boy was as excited as ever, happy to be able to celebrate another year of life, he helped with the decoration and preparation of the special meal that he would enjoy with his family on this important day.

- looks delicious! - he laughed sweetly, sitting at the table, admiring his small feast.

His parents smiled slightly, his sister was happy, his grandparents too. And especially Sunoo, he was radiant tonight.

- my beloved grandson is becoming a handsome adult. -His grandmother said proudly and the boy laughed.

- everything looks so good, thank you for waiting for me for dinner, I think I was late. - a vibrant and unfamiliar female voice was heard, everyone looked towards her, a pretty girl who was standing in front of the wide-open entrance door.

Everyone was silent, Mrs. Kim remained static, with wide eyes and a cold body, yet the unknown woman sating in an empty chair.

- who are you? - asked Sunoo, he was really curious. Why was this beautiful woman, whom he had never seen before, there to celebrate his birthday?

- my name is ___, it's a pleasure, sweet Sunoo. Congratulations, happy birthday. - you smiled sweetly.

- thank you very much... - his voice came out as a whisper, his cheeks pink like flowers in spring.

Silence takes over again, smiling, you stare at the boy hungrily, without looking away or feeling embarrassed about it. You make him really nervous.

- I thought you would come later...you know, we are celebrating now. - began the mother.

- I decided to join this celebration, after all it is a special date, sweet Sunoo is coming of age. - you decided to look her in the eyes. - I'm not welcome?

- no, it's okay, forgive my wife. - the father interfered.

You stood up, walking slowly around the table, calmly analyzing the expressions of everyone there. You stood behind the boy, smiling at him when he decided to look at you over his shoulder. You touched his silky hair.

- I didn't come to disturb this special moment, I'm also not a monster that will harm Sunoo. - you started.

- I came so that he could get to know me, so that you would know that I am not an evil being, I am not a threat, let that tension go away.

The boy didn't understand, but remained silent as he felt the soft touch of your fingers in his hair.

- look Sunoo, from today onwards you will leave with me, can you understand? I will give you everything you deserve, you will live with me and you will have something completely different from what you have today.

- what do you mean by that...? - he hesitated, a little scared and confused.

- I happen to be in love with you. - you smiled sweetly, when he fell silent, trying to absorb the information. - You were born mine, did you know that? If you don't know, your parents certainly know.

You lowered Sunoo's upper robes, just revealing his shoulder.

- do you know why it has this brand? Because you are sealed with the mark of a covenant. You understand? You were born and soon became my boy, this brand says so.

- how could I be yours...? I am not an object. - he pulled his shirt back, hiding his shoulders, with a nervous look on his face.

- no, it is not an object. You are the sweetest boy I have ever seen in all the millennia I have lived, you are a person, even though you sometimes seem like a treasure... - you calmed him.

- there is a very old prophecy, a pact made by your ancestors, it is something much bigger than you can imagine. Calmly you will be able to understand everything, but peacefully I ask you please, please come with me. Above all, Sunoo family members, let me lead you to happiness. -His eyes shone as you explained yourself.

Everyone was shocked, but they were softened by the brief explanation.

The night seemed to be long, but everything went well.

Right after all this speech, you were able to celebrate the boy's party with his family, you ate and congratulated him.

Her presence there was enough to be strange, but as the minutes passed everything seemed to fall into place. Despite not understanding everything perfectly, Sunoo included you in his celebration as if he already knew you before, he could feel that no matter how strange you were, you were good.

He could tell by looking into your eyes that you were there for something very serious, and also that you wouldn't hurt him.

Sunoo just decided to accept you there, he made you feel that his presence was pleasant and satisfying for him. Something you didn't expect, since you thought it would be completely the opposite.

The celebration was cozy for you, but soon everyone retired and everything was tidy, the end of this day was approaching, after all it was already late at night.

Sunoo's parents hesitated, but they understood that this is what he wanted, he wanted to be able to be alone with you, so they decided to withdraw and let the two of you talk.

- you said you're going to take me away - he starts, looking at you, as you sit in the living room.

- Why would I go with you? And if I went, where would I go? It's suffocating to think that I will have to leave my home.

- I know it seemed scary with the words I used, I apologize. I am a goddess, as I said, and we would go to my divine realm. I need you Sunoo, I've waited so long for this day...

- What do you need me for? I can not understand. - you sigh, blinking your eyes precisely and opening them again.

- to quench my thirst, my desire to have you, to make you mine. I am a hungry and ambitious entity, I recognize. But know that nothing will be bad for you, because I am nothing more than your slave... - you sigh - my love for you only grows, you would be such a good boy for me.

- you want me...? But why? I don't understand!

- I don't understand either, I just feel this way, let me make you my perfect boy, let me fulfill all your desires, you will have everything you want.

- okay, I'm not going to oppose something that's sealed. Just give me time to say goodbye and I'll come with you soon. I really don't like seeing you begging, a goddess shouldn't...

- thank you for accepting - you interrupt him - that makes me very happy. It will be as you wish, you have a working day, now I need to go, good night sweet boy.

You smile sweetly at him, disappearing in the blink of an eye, leaving him alone.

[cevansbrat0007]

I'm obsessed with this series. I'm such a sucker for love that's given often and shown so freely. Andy and Reader are each other's world. I feel like they're the type of (one day) elderly couple who if one passes, the other is following right behind in a few days to months.

I can't wait to one day read a little drabble about them when they're old and retired, maybe having their kids and grandkids over for christmas and their kids' POV watching Andy and Reader sway and canoodle under a mistletoe.

At Last...

Summary: True love stories never end...

Warning: the following answer contains talk of death as well as celebrations of love and life. Read at your own risk. Takes place in my ongoing Growing Pains Series. __

Thank you. It makes me so happy that you've fallen in love with Growing Pains as well as Andy and Reader's love story. Those two are so incredibly and irrevocably devoted to one another - they really are each other's entire world.

If I'm being honest, I have thought about what the end of their time on this planet would look like. And Baby Girl always outlives Andy. Not just because she's a few years younger than him, but because there is just no other way.

He could never live without her. Not even for a month, or a couple of days. So, when the time comes and life finds him on his deathbed, they make a plan.

They're both such stubborn people, you know? So damned headstrong even up until the very end. Andrew Barber doesn't want to go.

Not yet.

But while his spirit remains young, his body is old. After all, fighting your way into your nineties is no easy feat. But he's also got four children right here in this realm to take care of, and an errant wife to look after who is just as much of a brat as she's always been.

And the doctors, well, they don't understand how he's made it so long. From everything indicated on his chart, he should've left this world days ago. But somehow Andrew Barber continues to defy the odds.

That stubborn ass ogre.

But he's also in pain. Even as he's fighting, refusing to give in. However, it's not sustainable. And Reader knows that her Big Man needs to rest. She spends every day by his bedside, rarely leaving for more than a few minutes at a time. It's been a few days since she's been able to catch a glimpse of his beautiful blue eyes, every once in a while, she's treated to a gentle squeeze of her hand.

Baby Girl knows her husband better than any other person on the planet. She knows that in order to leave her behind, even for just a little bit, she has to give him a purpose. So she crawls into bed with him, bad hip and all, and tells him her plan.

It's just between them - this task that she gives him.

She tells him to go on ahead and get their home ready - their dream home. And start decorating it the way he knows she'll like. She even promises not to get mad if the color schemes aren't quite right, because she'll just fix it all when she gets there.

Simple as that.

And while he's taking care of the house, the next thing she wants him to do is find Jacob. Wherever he is. Because she expects him to be at the dinner table sharing a meal with them for her first night in their new home.

And in return for doing all of that, she'll handle everything else with BiBi, KitCat, RoRo, and A.J. and all of their precious grandbabies. She swears that she will make sure that every single little detail is taken care of, and when it's all done...

She'll come find him. And when she does, they'll share a dance in their kitchen to the tune of their favorite song - At Last by Etta James. Baby Girl goes on to assure him that it will be the first of many.

Some time later that night, her sweet Andy Bear takes her up on her offer. But not before opening his eyes one last time to see her sleeping in the chair at his bedside. Now that makes him crack a smile.

Because in the last dream he had he could've sworn he told her fine ass to get to bed. A real bed. Not a chair.

His sweet, beautiful girl never fucking listens.

Reader knows when he leaves. She later describes it to their children as feeling his lips brush her skin, right behind her ear. His favorite place to kiss her.

She and the kids keep the actual ceremony small, but then they throw a party - a celebration of Andy's life. And after that, Reader spends the next two years making sure everything is in order.

Just like she promised.

Andy comes to her in her dreams every now and again. And in those dreams he always looks like he did when they first met - her handsome man.

And when it's finally her time, Reader passes on surrounded by their babies. But she tells them not to worry, because their father has been sitting by her bedside for the last few days. She knows they can't see him...

But she swears he's right there. And he's brought along Jacob. She tells her sweet babies that she's finally ready to join the love of her life. They even share a little laugh when she tells them how their father keeps pestering her all because she owes him a dance.

And when she takes her last breath, the sweet sound of Etta James is playing softly in the background. Bianca and her siblings sit there quietly for a few minutes after her passing holding hands and reveling in the fact that they know their Mama went home.

She's finally back in the arms of the man that she loves. They have no doubt that their Mama and Daddy are finally sharing that dance. And wouldn't you know it...

Somewhere in the great beyond, they were right. Their Mama made it home at last. And she left the light on for them too. Just like she told them she would.

[o-wild-west-wind]

It is the 1 year anniversary of the OFMD finale, and also the 5 year anniversary of my uncle’s death. For no particular reason, I’m feeling compelled to write something about it, so…here goes. This is more for myself than anyone else, but I guess I wanted to put it out there in case it resonates with anyone. I know a lot of us have found healing through this show 💛

When I first found OFMD, I was still in a state of mourning. The loss of my uncle hit me hard; I had been living with him on my breaks during college, and with no kids of his own, I was also his primary caretaker when he was ill. He took me in when my MAGA dad—his brother—couldn’t look at me without starting a fight. In many ways, he was the dad I wished I had.

And then, before he was ready to go, he was gone.

It wasn’t until after I started going through his things that I finally confirmed that he was gay (a copy of an application to be a mentor for the Trevor Project, and a sizable collection of gay erotica LOL). As nice as it felt to know, it also gutted me—because we had both feared backlash from my homophobic dad, neither of us had ever come out to the other. I felt an overwhelming amount of regret for never having talked about it with him, and I especially regretted that he’d lived alone, aside from me. I regretted that I’d never know if he had had the chance at love.

His death snapped something in my brain; I lost my spirituality, became obsessive about death, and was convinced that I was on my deathbed myself. I tried multiple different therapists, but nothing worked. And as years went by, I still felt the fog of grief, depression, and paranoia. The bitterness that my uncle could never be himself to his own family compounded on my bitterness that I had to hide myself in the same way, and I resigned myself to a life I felt almost to be condemned.

When OFMD started, my partner (a longtime Taika Waititi fan) suggested it to me, knowing how much I was looking for a distraction (and a laugh). I’d just been diagnosed with an alphabet soup of neurodivergencies, and told myself to hang onto the world at least until I could get my meds sorted out; but I had months to wait for my appointment, and I needed something, anything, to get me by until then.

So this silly little show came around, and it genuinely felt like the first seedling of spring after a long winter. It was fun, and funny, and just the world I wanted to escape to—but it was also about self-acceptance, love, queer joy, and—in its surprisingly understated way—death. It was a space to explore the themes that had haunted my own life, but in an overwhelmingly uplifting vessel. And it finally hit me that my uncle had never really been alone, like I’d assumed; there was and had always been a whole world of people out there, young and old, like us. We’d carved a space for ourselves, despite. It was the first time I really started feeling that it was okay to just…be.

I got onto an upward trajectory from there—I finally got on meds, came out to my close friends (half of which came out to me in turn lmao), and—thanks to Stede—found the courage to quit the job I hated and go back to grad school. But when S2 dropped, it really felt like the closure I didn’t even realize I needed. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that Ed’s arc basically cured my death anxiety—and the closure of his issues with his own father figures really helped me find a closure with mine.

I guess I say all this as a reflection of what this show gave me, and also in gratitude that a year later, I’m still in awe at the lasting power of its healing medicine. I still have my shit, and I’m working through more loss and grief I experienced during this span of time, but I’m honestly feeling…okay. Like I can breathe again, for once—no longer like I’m just waiting to drown.

I know that this piece of art just managed to be exactly what I needed at exactly the right point in time, but FUCK, am I glad it was. I’m devastated we don’t have more, but I’m so, SO grateful for what we ended up with, because it was exactly what I needed.

And while I wish I could’ve watched it with my uncle—he would’ve loved this show—I’m so grateful that it has turned his memory from something of deep pain to that of humor and joy. Like so many of the characters, he was funny, and brash, and caring beyond belief; he gave me my love of sailing, and taught me to treasure fine things, laugh in the face of hate, and never to give up on what I loved.

So cheers to you, Uncle R. Cheers to the renegades. And cheers to queer joy—because it feels good for the flag that once meant death to me to finally have a new meaning 🏳���‍🌈

[the-way-astray]

Strieefe pt. 2 (i upped the cringe level :) ) ☺️

Stria finished the walk with Keefe to her house. She opened the front door to let the both of them inside.

She directed Keefe towards the couch. "You can sleep there for the night. Got leftovers in the freezer. Would you like some of that?"

"Uh, sure."

Keefe placed his small bag by the doorframe and took a seat at the kitchen table. Stria divided out the portions and placed them onto the table.

"Thanks," he said.

Dinner was mostly akward silence. Until the end.

"So, stranger, what brings you to town?" She finally got the nerve to ask.

"I'm... just passing by. I want to get far away from my old life."

"Oh? Do you feel like sharing?"

"Not really. Painful memories and stuff." Keefe looked down to his plate and pushed around the food. "I really appreciate this, though l"

"I understand," Stria said. "And it's no issue."

"No, seriously. You're the first person who's been nice to me so far since I left. You have no idea how much this means to me."

She pursed her lips. How was she supposed to respond to something like that? She decided on keeping her mother shut.

That night, Stria went to her bedroom. Keefe took the place on the sofa.

A few days went by. She actually started to enjoy his company. Grown fond of him. She found his absolutely stupid jokes and humor endearing. She hoped he would never leave.

They had decided to take a walk down in the park that day. As they went down the path, Keefe had taken his hand out of his pocket and tentatively grabbed hold of Stria's. She tightened her grip.

They had stopped by the water. She giggled, looking out at the ducks waddling by. Keefe cracked his own smile.

Stria didn't know what took hold of her, but she couldn't let the idea go now. She turned to face him. He gave her a small grin.

Staring into his eyes, her face heated. She saw pink flush his, too. Before she could look back on it, she pressed her lips to his. He sucked in a breath but brought his hand to her cheek.

When she couldn't save her breath anymore, she pulled away panting for air. Keefe looked like he couldn't believe what had happened.

"I... this- no!" He stuttered.

Stria's heart fell and broke into two.

"No. I can't do this," he mumbled. He started backing away.

"Keefe, wait!" She called after him.

"I'm sorry," he told her. "But I can't do this. It's not right. Thank you for everything, Stria. But I just can't."

That was the last time she had heard of Keefe Sencen. No matter how long and hard she looked, she could never find him again. No one had heard of him.

Even as she lay on her deathbed, she still thought of the elucid boy she had met on the street. Sometimes she thought it was just a dream. But she knew in her heart it hadn't been. The feeling of his lips and his warm skin was too real.

part one

my initial reaction

i could tear part one to shreds with dignity, because there was at least a hint of substance there, but this is so utterly devoid of anything grounded in reality that i will be the one to seem unhinged if i try to treat this with any form of seriousness.

so i will just tell you that i actually gagged and felt my last meal swim around in my stomach as i read this. "She decided on keeping her mother shut." actually took me the fuck out. when you said i grew fond of his stupid jokes i actually had to lock my phone and take a few deep breaths so that i wouldn't try to reach through the screen and strangle you. if keefe tried to hold my hand i would smack the shit out of him, and i would not be able to be in close proximity to both keefe and a body of water without trying to throw him in it. "Stria's heart fell and broke into two." also destroyed me, and when i read that you'd made me kiss him i actually lost it. i went yes this is enough tumblr for today and locked myself out of my account.

FUCKING ME KISSING KEEFE FANFIC NOW EXISTS. IN THIS WORLD. THE SAME WORLD AS ME. I'M DEAD IN A DITCH AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO HELP ME DO THE SAME TO ALAYDA. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS. AND WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT KEEFE AS I'M LITERALLY DYING TO DEATH???? WHAT.

[jeizet]

do you have any hcs about the dragon or royal aus you have for kagihira?

OH BOY?! IF I DO?!

Enjoy the reading.

Royal AU (Prince! Hirano x Knight! Kagiura)

It was his family's tradition that pushed Kagiura Akira toward the path of becoming a knight. His brother is a trainer for the new batch of knights in training, his father served as a general, and his grandparent was the personal knight of the late king. Thankfully, Kagiura embraced being a knight and enjoyed the training at a young age.

Hirano takes a lot of pride in being a prince, he wants to do his best the moment he steps as a king and supports his country and people to grow.

It took years for Kagi to realize he is in love with Hirano. Once he noticed his own feelings, he realized that maybe he loved him since the moment he saw his smile.

Kagi's family owns a farm, but his little sisters make the best paper in town. He "gifts" that paper to Niibashi—the royal artist— in exchange for an art piece of the prince, most of the time they are sketches, but if Niibashi feels in a good mood he will make a full tiny paint for him.

Kagi doesn't know how to read or write so Hirano reads him his favorite books because Kagi begs him to, knowing the prince loves the idea of sharing his passions with someone. After a while, Kagi starts learning how to read by memorizing some words, and after his prince compliments him he asks him to teach him to read more—only because he wants more compliments from his prince—.

Kagi was the strongest from his batch when he joined and became popular, so popular that older knights started sparring with him. The curious prince always watches Kagiura's amazing sparring sessions from his studio, even before they were friends.

Kagi becomes obsessed with his prince's cologne, after a particularly long mission he had. The prince sent letters scented with his cologne.

Kagi started sending scented letters and his prince asked him to stop on the next letter—he realized himself since Kagiura never told him about him scenting the letters—, telling him how he liked the smell of his old letters. The knight thought the prince disliked the cologne... but the prince likes the knight's smell as well.

Niibashi teaches Kagi how to dance so he can impress the prince during a ball... only for Kagi to be a naturally good dancer.

When Hirano goes to the palace library often, since the library is open to anyone he met the local baker Sasaki... he caught him reading gay porn and was surprised when he didn't even try to deny it. Later on, he admitted he was reading it because he caught the cute librarian reading it, Hirano asked where those books were so he could tell his knight to avoid that section(since the knight usually chose books with pretty covers so they could practice).

After meeting the Prince, Kagiura's sole mission became to be strong enough to stay next to the prince's side for the rest of his life. Admitting it in front of the Prince after they were fighting about a line of a book.

Hirano: "But it's so sad! It doesn't make sense! why would he wish to die alone?! How can you get it?!"

Kagiura: "Dying alone IS sad my prince! What the sir is talking about is how he would prefer to die alone than not to be by the deathbed of his loved ones! that's what he means by 'I wish nothing more than for the seats of my funeral to be empty'!"

Hirano: "But then who would hold him on his deathbed?! Wouldn't you feel alone if you had no one's hand to hold?"

Kagiura: "Maybe, but I would be content. I want to promise my mother that I will live happily, thank my dad and brother for what they taught me; tell my older sister not to worry, that I will protect her daughter; tell my little sisters the things I never told them; I want to hold YOUR hand, and make you feel protected until your end!"

Hirano: "...I swear I will live longer than you..."

Kagiura: "...! ...I can't wait to see if that's true."

Dragon AU headcanon and ideas (Dragon! Hirano x King! Kagiura)

Hirano can make his body parts as dragon-like as he wants, the ears, scales, tail, and horns are a personal preference but he always has a long tongue, long nails, and long hair. Both his nails and hair can be trimmed but they grow incredibly fast and will go back to extreme length if he turns dragon and goes back to being human.

They met because Hirano was stealing from his treasure room as a tiny lizard... he thought he was being sneaky but Kagi was actually stopping all his servants from interrupting him because it was so cute

Niibashi: "But sir! Those are the people's money too!"

Kagiura: "We will up the taxes if needed"

Niibashi: "Sir!"

Kagiura: "Don't worry... I will only up the taxes for the rich."

Hirano chirps when he is happy.

Hirano can change sizes, he can be a tiny lizard that fits in Kagi's palm with little wings, or a big dragon. This doesn't affect how his body works.

Hirano has fire breath and it makes his body really warm, Kagi loves holding him during winter but is insufferable during summer... Hirano will cuddle him nonetheless.

Hirano will randomly go to Kagi and settle down on his lap all cat-like. This is amazing when he is a tiny dragon but Kagi would like Hirano to care about how humans don't randomly sit on other human's lap and cling like a Koala. He cares so little that he genuinely doesn't realize he is in human form sometimes so he also:

gets into the bath with Kagi

is naked in front of Kagi

Sleeps with Kagi

Is fed by Kagi

Licks Kagi to show affection

Bites him jokingly

Hirano calls Kagi "King" or "My King" because Kagi has become part of his treasures; while Kagi calls him "Majesty", "your Majesty" or his name (in private) because he would never dare to call a mighty dragon "his". Hirano also calls him that to make Kagi look more powerful in front of him people, he likes Kagi to be seen as "The king who owns a dragon" although Kagi very much dislikes people to think he "owns" Hirano—he likes that  Hirano likes it tho—. More than once Hirano went into his dragon form because someone was being disrespectful, not really to threaten them but to show how powerful Kagi "supposedly" is. Because Kagi would ask him to stop and Hirano would, it makes him look like he tamed the dragon.

After Hirano started to act as the "King's pet" other royals wanted to buy his scales for jewelry, only for them to be banned from Kagi's kingdom.

If you make Hirano blush hard enough, actual steam will come out of his mouth.

If he sneezes, fire will come out his nose, this is cute by itself but is even cuter in his tiny lizard form.

Kagi teaches Hirano what "kisses" are. They were in Kagiura's studio and Hirano randomly sat on his lap, Kagiura was so tired he started caressing Hirano's back without realizing it, he noticed when Hirano started chirping softly, and in a moment of delusion, he went and kissed him on the shoulder... Hirano stood still for a second and then he rested his head on Kagi's shoulder and Kagi took it as a sign to keep giving him kisses, making Hirano chirp louder. Kagi stopped when his shoulder started to ache because it was getting burned by Hirano's sighs.

Hirano—as a "reptile"— has breeding seasons; he used to become territorial and aggressive of Kagiura's treasures and stayed in the treasure room. But after the kisses session they had he became clingy and kinda territorial; but instead of being territorial of the riches that Kagi has, he is territorial of Kagi himself not letting him leave the room. During the first week, Kagi did not move from his bed because Hirano didn't let him. The moment Kagi tried to leave Hirano turned into a whole ass dragon (slightly smaller to fit the room), grabbed him, threw him on the bed ("gently"), and turned into a little lizard to lay on his chest.

[gilsart]

27.11.1757 - on Ingersleben's death.

Breslau – November 27, 1757 Midnight.

Johann doesn't know what he was thinking when he felt the blow go through his leg. He remembers a sudden warmth, then the pain, he remembers a fall, he remembers screaming and then absolute emptiness. Nothing else.

Now he is among the wounded and the unmistakable smell of blood, and once again, he doesn't know what to think. His leg hurts, it's a pain he's never felt before, and all around the noises are muffled and confused. His eyes burn so much that keeping them wide open only adds to the pain, and he feels the fever take every inch of his body – until, when trying to feel his injured leg, his hand dips in and touches the cot.

They cut off his leg and he's dying. He's dying because they cut off his leg.

And once again he doesn't know how to act. He thinks of his wife Charlotte, his family and his children, and he doesn't know what to say anymore, who to call, every time he tries to open his mouth all he hears are painful gasps and his breathing, growing shorter each second. He doesn't even have the strength to panic, apparently almost no one around him has noticed that he is awake, and he starts to think that he will die like this. Alone, like everyone else. This is not what he imagined when he fantasized about his life in the army in Halle, when he was just a kid, and Hans was still...

«You woke up!»

Johann thinks no, it can't be. But that's exactly how it is: as soon as he turns his head to the side, he is welcomed with a smile that he hasn't seen in over twenty years. It is Hans, his friend Hans, his brother Hans, the same Hans who has been dead for years and should totally be somewhere else and not by his deathbed, if that can even be called a bed.

In the midst of his hallucination, Johann doesn't notice that it's as if the pain has vanished. Now it seems to him that he can look closely at him, as if that burning feeling was never there: he closes his eyes for a moment and opens them again, just to be sure, but Hans is still there, still smiling. He's not like when he got arrested: he is without uniform and is wearing his red coat, and his hair is still unpowdered, as if he was caught halfway through preparation, as if he still has to wait to go who knows where. Although Johann has a vague idea where.

«I missed you, you know.»

The more Hans talks, the more Johann feels himself sinking into the cot. He had forgotten the sound of his voice and he spent these years damning himself every day for it, and now, as if it had never happened, Hans is talking to him and he is still twenty-five years old, the way Johann wanted to remember him, and none of what happened really happened.

«Did you come get me or what…?» are the first words Johann says, even if, if someone were to look at him from outside, that question mingles with the delirious murmurs of his fever.

«I told you I'd be with you until the end, I kept my promise. Haven't I?»

«Yes, but those are... just words...»

«C'mon, you don't think of it that way.»

It was a promise they had made before Hans left to study who knows where, and Johann had felt alone and insecure for the first time. Then Hans had smiled at him, put his hand on his arm and told him that he wouldn't get rid of him just because there were considerable travel days separating them.

«No, I don't...» he knows he's dying, that he's imagining everything, but the giggle that comes out of his mouth seems so real and for the first time in twenty-seven years Hans laughs with him. And he feels like a kid again. «When do we have to go?»

«Before long.» Hans reaches out with his hand, rests it on his arm as he always does, and that smile doesn't leave his face – even if it's more understanding than sweet now, and maybe there's a little hidden pain behind it, too. As a boy, Johann hated how well Hans was able to read him, to immediately understand his intentions, and he hated even more not being able to despise him for it, because he always had that smile that would have led him to forgive him everything. Maybe that was also why he had forgiven him for that stupid, stupid attempt to escape.

«Then you have plenty of time to go and pay a visit to His Majesty too, eh...»

Another chuckle, another that Hans joins in.

«You're fifty-four and still jealous?»

«I'm not jealous...»

«Oh yes you are.»

As absurd as it sounds, Johann swears he sat up and playfully punched his arm. None of this really happens: in reality, he is still lying down and his breath is slowly failing him. Around him, every so often, some other officers stop to look, but they understand that there's nothing more they can do and seeing him delirious, they leave him alone.

It's as if Hans notices it. He approaches to sit at the side of the cot, but it does not feel his weight and it is as if he had never sat down. His hand is still on Johann's arm.

He starts to open his mouth, but is preceded by: «I missed you too. I missed you to death.»

Hans' smile fades a little. He stays silent.

«You were so stupid, why didn't you run away... by now you could be God knows where playing your stupid flute and writing your poems...»

Hans thinks there's no reason to hide things at this point. He looks down, the grip on his arm becomes inexplicably more real. «I didn't want to leave him alone.»

Johann glances at him. In his heart he knew it, he always has, but hearing him say it is like a bucket of cold water thrown right at his face.

«I didn't tell you because I was afraid you wouldn't–...»

«Fuck you, Hans, as if it didn't show.» he is not angry, on the contrary, he laughs. He can no longer feel anger.

«Did it?» Hans blushes, as much as it is possible.

«No, look. You just spent all of your free time talking about him and how sad his eyes were and how guilty you felt about not helping him enough. God, Hans, I don't think I've never seen you so happy with someone.»

Johann feels lighter now, even if that conversation didn't change much – again, he already knew that. He neve thought much of it. If he was happy with the crown prince of Prussia - now king - then so be it, he thought. Yes, at first it was weird, it did feel like a sin, maybe even the worse of them all, but Hans was happy, Friedrich was happy, they gazed at each other like the sweetest of lovers and, in the end, this whole relationship grew on him so much that he only saw it for what it was: a source of happiness. After all, it was always the same Hans. His blood brother. His safe haven.

And even now, in the midst of that delirium, it seems to him that all that time has never passed, he seems to talk to him as if it's been only a day not seeing each other, as if those years never really existed.

«Well... then I guess I have nothing to hide from you anymore.»

Hans moves his hand away, and places them both in front of him, as if waiting for Johann to take them and squeeze them. Johann knows what this means, and for a moment he hesitates.

«It's alright, Johann.» Nothing has changed, Hans can still read him. He knows him by heart. «Do you feel ready?»

A long silence passes before Johann's hands join Hans', and he feels his skin as the most real thing in the world. He doesn't say anything, he just nods, and it seems to him that he can get up and, absurd as it may be, walk with his legs while he leaves his empty body on the cot.

And when Hans takes him by the hand to leave Breslau to go to better and warmer places, Johann hopes he will take him to some remote grove near Halle, to climb trees and laugh like when their only problem was how much pastor Francke would have them kept in his office to scold them.

A year from now, we'll all be gone All our friends will move away And they're going to better places But our friends will be gone away

Nothing is as it has been And I miss your face like hell And I guess it's just as well But I miss your face like hell

[thegeminisage]

i don't know how i'm supposed to simply do a tng update when there was SPOCK but obviously last night (tonight as i type this, but it's late, so this post is going up while i'm at work) we watched unification part i & part ii

tng update:

🌈SPOCK🌈

okay, i'm normal again

part i: BITTERLY disappointed that all we got out of this episode spockwise was one blurry photo and him coming in right at the end. i had a feeling they'd do that. i guess now i have to talk about the nonimportant nonspock parts of this episode 🥱

ive decided i hate sarek's new wife. what business is it of hers if spock objects to sarek in public? if sarek didn't have a problem with it why make one? evil stepmother fr. why did sarek marry another human anyway does he have a fucking fetish or something...at least she was too old to get knocked up. i was reading about ages on the wiki today and amanda was only TWENTY YEARS OLD when she had spock. sarek would have been 65. i know vulcans age way different so it's not as creepy but STILL. girl, wait until you are old enough to drink

speaking of sarek...i went back and forth feeling terrible for him and wanting to attack him with my bare hands. under one hand he is on his deathbed and obviously very ill and miserable and suffering deep regrets over past mistakes and it's hard not to have sympathy...on the other, maybe if you wanted less deathbed regrets about your relationship with spock YOU SHOULD HAVE TREATED HIM BETTER! bitch.

also, whatever he and picard had going on was homoerotic. "we're part of each other" why do they talk about the mind meld that way in tng and not in tos. why did picard feel up sarek's hand on his deathbed the second his wife looked away. hes got a history of homewrecking since he (i know) had his affair baby wesley with beverly. so Whats Going On

picard forcefully obtaining the klingon ship. i LOVE when he gets to be a bitch

ROMULAN RACEFAKING??? a proud star trek tradition at this point i guess but it was truly awful to behold. DEEPLY disappointed sela did not later lick the paint off his ears as the klingons implied she would. smh

i like also how riker blew up that whole ship and nobody batted an eyelash. he really can just do whatever

part ii: SPOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the first time i cried was when spock himself came onscreen at the end of part i. then just as soon as i collected myself he mentioned jim kirk twice in the space of 30 seconds and i lost it again. we are literally bridging the gap between tos spock and spock prime from aos rn and i Dont like it.

Very Sad his dad kicked it before they could reconcile. but i saw his microexpressions when picard delivered the news. i missed them more than you can possibly imagine

i did love though that he started viewing picard as like a proxy sarek. imagine having daddy issues with a guy who is 75 years younger than you. lowkey they also had a little homoeroticism happening. "cowboy diplomacy" sure whatever

riker and the four-armed pianist 10/10 i hope they fucked. i'm so glad we wont he riker roulette and it wasn't creepy. also only riker could successfully flirt with a women after killing her husband in a spaceship battle <3

i'm a little iffy on spock's uhhh whole deal in this episode. he's lik yeah i chose the vulcan way of life these romulans are gonna have way better lives after their vulcan enlightenment but meanwhile he's criticizing sarek for his obsession with logic to the exclusion of all emotion (which is what he decided in tmp, that you need both) and also the vulcan way of life has done huge damage to his relationship with his father as well. so which is it?? idk, maybe he's not doing well because of sarek dying and all but he seemed like he was in a very "im not willing to acknowledge that i have emotions because rn theyre causing me pain" sort of mood. buddy :(

then again, it IS a tng script. we can only expect so much. it wasn't so inconsistent that it took me out of the episode but it did bother me a little because i just don't understand why he's willing to devote the rest of his life to this cause...he seemed to imply he had emotional reasons but what were they?? we will quite literally never know.

what's wack to me also is that in nineteen years romulus is gonna be GONE. like it's just going to be gone. eaten up by the sun or whatever. if someone had a baby right now on romulus that baby would not be old enough to drink before the sun swallowed them. so everything spock is doing is for nothing.

sela in this episode was really funny. "i hate vulcans." so true queen. i mean i don't care about her at all but that was hilarious

data doing the vulcan nerve pinch!!!!!!! that was so fun. i don't think it requires telepathy to do, just super strength, but i guess if you do then that makes no sense. it made me happy though.

the end when spock melded with picard to quasi-meld with his father and almost wept was me crying for the third time...i couldn't stand seeing him cry!!!!!! i can't believe sarek really just died without ever reconciling with him but i kind of like it better this way bc what sarek did was his own fault not spock's. so spock got closure and sarek. didn't. rip dude

okay. this concludes. the SPOCK UPDATE. tonight: a matter of time. and TOMORROW........the undiscovered country. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[gaylament]

I won't use this blog anymore. I don't know if you ever check it. I hope you do so you can see my last message to you.

I'm heartbroken, but it's not for the reason you think. It's not about leaving, it's not about going no-contact. It's because I can't tell if what was between us was even real or if I imagined it all. I can't believe anything you told me, I don't even know if that is actually your name, or if you actually live in that town. You really had a girlfriend/fiance/wife this whole time? I knew it from the start and you lied to me about it? If you'd just been honest when I asked...if you'd told me you were unhappy in that relationship I would have STUCK by you, I would've helped you leave that behind for you and I, us, what WE could've been... But I wasn't special enough. Not like you were to me, and I see that now. I understand now that i just saw more in you than maybe you did in me. I thought maybe if you had time to grow that we could've made something lasting, real love between us, but I don't know if you even loved me at all or if you just loved the idea of me. You already have someone that loves you there, so why? I wish you could tell me why. You left so quick without giving me closure just like everyone else and now I'm just going to be hooked on this pain, unable to heal. And yeah, I tried to show her what you did because it's wrong. It's so wrong what you did to her, and to me, AND to Avi. I was the one that stalked your IG, not them. I found you, I did the sleuthing, it was all me. I will take all responsibility for crossing whatever boundary, but I think it's well warranted considering you literally cheated on your partner for MONTHS and you may still be doing so. What did you get out of this? Why? Was I really nothing? Ugh. I wish so bad that I could hate you, but I can't. I'll always think of you when I look at the night sky, but will you think of me?

Was it casual when you told me you wanted to marry me? Was it casual when you wrote poetry about me? Was it casual when you said you'd be there by my side on my deathbed? Was it casual when you said you felt like we were made for each other? Was it casual when you said the thought of me is what gets you through hardship? Was it casual when you said you loved everything about me including my flaws? Was it casual when you called me your other half? Was it casual when you said my love made you feel like less like a monster? Was it casual when we stayed up until 6 in the morning even though you had work the next day just because we didn't want to say goodnight? What about when I talked you down from killing yourself? What about when you did the same for me? Was it casual when you said my love changed you? Was it casual when you said I am "literally the love of *your* life"? Was it casual when you said to find you when I want to feel the heat of the sun?

If you ever feel like maybe you want to come clean...I'll be here. Waiting. You can reach me through this blog. We will never be a part of each other's lives again, but I beg of you to please show me mercy and just allow me the answers I need to close this chapter of my life. I gave you 6 months of my everything, all I ask for in return is for the truth.

[iamtheangelofdeath]

TW MENTION OF SA

A good chunk of my life has been nothing but Hell,somedays I feel like I deserve it because in my eyes I feel like I’m a terrible person while some I think I didn’t and deserve better

My biological father left me when I was about two or three he abandoned me because he wasn’t ready to be a father despite having around ten kids and maybe more all from different women (I’m the second oldest,I’m 22)

I’d constantly get bullied throughout school also. For being fat. For being ugly. Everything under the sun. Yet I’d get in trouble for sticking up for myself. I had no real friends either and I still don’t which is why I’m always online since I only have online friends

At the age of three or four (bear with me my memory is shit) I’d start getting molested by somebody I trusted (well,my moms best friends father whom I considered to be my grandpa seeing as at the time I didn’t have one.). I can remember every fucking detail and each time it makes me sick. It makes me feel used,if it gets to me too much I’ll take a shower and scrub my skin despite it happening years ago. I remember when I’d be in a room alone and he’d wait…he’d wait for the perfect moment to strike that in question was whenever I’d leave said room whether it be to go use the bathroom or go elsewhere then he’d just stand in the doorway,his fat frame blocking any means of escape though at the time I was skinny so I’d try to get past only for him to grab me and fondle me. His disgusting hands would go up my shirt to touch my flat chest (I remember asking him to help me fix a sports bra I was wearing and he did that as well) or slither down my pants or skirt to touch my vagina through my underwear,how long it’d last I’m not sure though he’d eventually stop. I remember being in their son’s room sitting on the bed playing on their GameCube lo and behold here comes that vile pig only this time he has his flaccid penis hanging out from his fly for my innocent eyes to see,I’m forever grateful that I ran out the room when I did otherwise I’m for sure he would’ve deflowered me right then and there if I just stared at him like a deer in headlights. Another time it finally clicked in my head that what he was doing to me was wrong so when he did it yet again I said “no!” to which he said “yes!”. I can’t wrap my head around how somebody could ruin a child’s innocence. I would eventually tell everyone when I was at my aunts having a panic attack when I was proposed the idea of staying the night at her house with her and her boyfriend (I was afraid he’d do what my abuser did to me even tho he would never do that). We went to court for this only for my case to be dropped due to lack of evidence which I suppose I can understand since words don’t really do much but even then why.

He got to live a life as a free man up until he passed away in 2018 despite what he did to me all while it affected me so bad that I was anxious around men,I oversexualized myself on Kik (which got me groomed by so many sick FUCKS),and honestly I started to wonder if I DID make it up since his family said I was lying (no little kid should know what a grown man’s dick looks like nor should they even know about sex or SA but okay-) that and when his wife asked on his deathbed if he did all that to me he said he didn’t to which she sided with him (I’ll always find it ironic how she swore she’d protect her granddaughter from creeps yet never protected me from her predator of a husband since she was too occupied on the computer or watching reruns of MASH in the living room)The trauma from both getting molested AND getting groomed online was so bad that I’d get hostile with mom (hit her,slap her,berate and cuss at her,tell her I hate her) when I was a little girl all the way ‘til I was around 16-17? I still feel guilt and regret for what I had done. She did so much for me despite being a single mother and giving birth to me when she was still in highschool despite her mother telling her she should abort me and even kicking her out the house to go live on her own n forcing her to quit her job at Dominoes,how she still loves me despite all the turmoil and hell I put her through during that time is beyond me

As for the grooming I’d get groomed by grown men on Kik,some would give me money to send them nudes (I was 15-16 at the time) and some would threaten me into sending them then threaten to show my parents it and blame me for sending them. Some would threaten to rape me,some threatened to dox me,some sent me full blown CP out of nowhere,some would send me dick pics knowing my age,some reassured that the lewd stuff I was doing as a teen was okay it was “hot”,someone said my body looked like the underside of a pig,overall it wasn’t a good experience to say the least. It baffles me how that app is still up especially since CP is a major problem on there and people just trade it like it’s fuckin’ Pokemon cards or some shit either way I fucking hate that app and I hate that most ppl have gotten away with abusing other underaged kids on there-

I genuinely hate that the sexual abuse I endured warped my mind into thinking that sending nudes to random men that I talked to or rped with would make em like me (I did this when I was 18,19 or 20 I don’t remember-) thinking back about it it always makes me feel gross,used and nothing but an object to ogle at.

All my ex partners were horrible in some way or another (I had one leave me after a week in favor of my then at the time best friend,one cheated on me bc I wasn’t comfy with being called mommy,one said he wasn’t using me despite him using me for nudes and to just wank you get it-) BUT the worst one was this sick pedo fuck.

He messaged me asking if I wanted to date him so I got excited and said yes. I should’ve said no.

Keep in mind that I used to age regress in 2019 bare in mind and when he found out I had the gear (adult pacifiers,littleforbig onesies,all that stuff),he’d ask for pictures. Wanted a pic of me with pigtails wearing one of them which at first felt normal until he started asking me to take nasty pics. Most of the time I didn’t want to to which he’d keep pressuring me until I caved in but others I’d do it for the sake of appeasing him since I wanted to be loved. The onesie he made me wear in question looked like this.

Aaaaaanywho I remember once he was making me get off for him and he wanted me to put the dildo I was using on myself in my ass to which I told him no it’d hurt and he kept persisting despite me saying NO because “daddy said so” to which again,I caved in and shoved the large toy inside of my anus that shit hurt so bad but I did it anyway just because I wanted his love and validation. Eventually I started to wonder if he loved me and when I asked he simply sent me memes because he didn’t like confrontation. Oh well,I left him though last year I discovered that he had forced himself onto other people I was friends with on Facebook and did shit like that. Thanks Josiah. Thanks for tainting age regressing for me. Thank you for making me throw out most of my gear because it left a nasty scar.

Nowadays I’m still bitter that everybody on Twt got away with making fun of me for having BPD,anger issues,autism (basically ableism-) and not being comfortable with sharing Dude just because they deem me as a bad person. Making a mockery of me and saying I’m obsessive solely because I’m emotionally connected to Dude. I can’t look at ship art of him or nsfw of him involved with others without feeling sick and betrayed. I know it isn’t canon but still.

I have said some childish n regretful things in the heat of the moment I will gladly own up to it because I’m not gonna excuse my behavior but I’m not a bad person. I’m not a bad person for rightfully getting upset that my boundaries were overstepped and they kept making me uncomfortable despite me telling them to stop to which I’m the bad guy and I apparently start drama (despite them starting it,Twt users loves to cancel people for stupid shit- also funny how the twt Postal fandom “cancelled” me yet it’s hush hush about that person who made a skinhead Dudesona,that weirdo who fetishizes rape n draws gore porn,racists,transphobes/anti lgbt,folks using others for free art,and true crime weirdos that glorify Columbine or say serial killers are cute). I’m not a bad person for worrying about someone’s well being and getting worried that they were getting groomed,I still feel guilty for wrongfully saying the person was a pedo but I apologized to them it’s not like I did it out of malice or spite I was just genuinely worried bc I didn’t want that person to go through the shit I went through. I’m not a bad person for sticking up for myself when that true crime freak was making fun of me (they were insulting me bc of my mental illnesses n took a screenshot of my bio to make fun of it,my autism,my selfshipping and called me fat but all of a sudden it’s bad when I go on pop off on them. Again I went overboard with my “at least my wrists don’t look like this” remark with a screenshot of their SH I know that and I regret it but honestly don’t insult someone and expect them to take kindly to it-). I hate every last motherfucker that abandoned me. I hate Izzy for saying she was my bestie and that she’d never leave me despite her blocking me on every social media platform because she’s nothing but a disgusting pig that wants to be popular and mooches off others for free art. I hate Son Of Satan for defending people making fun of me because in their words “you were acting like you were good and everyone was bad,they were just joking” (using your logic that just means I was joking when I made that SH comment or called your little buddy a fucking clown like what??? I at least owned up to what I did and knew it was wrong meanwhile you’re pulling excuses out your ass to make it seem like you’re a good person when in reality you and everyone that left me behind are nothing but shit stains) and using suicide as a tactic to make me feel guilty (to which it did,looking back I should’ve told them to do it or laughed at them but sadly I have a heart of gold and want to help people despite some not deserving the time of day also they said their parents hated them which I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true because if that failed abortion was my kid I’d hate them too-),I hate their little buddy Chell for playing victim all the fucking time despite being a shit human (I made a post regarding a completely different person once and they somehow thought it was ab them so they sent their white knights to go harass me and make fun of my looks n self shipping also according to them I’m a “pedophile” because I’m telling fatherless teens that probably get bullied at school to leave me the fuck alone (also one of them said “minors can’t harass people” like?? Quit making excuses for being an asshole-),I hate every last one of those motherfuckers. It just felt like a punch in the face when one of my favorite artists said “your behavior was embarrassing” and then I’m pretty sure a post they made on tumblr was about me it was something among the lines of “oh I’m not an obsessive fangirl maybe I would be though in 2007” yadayadayada.

The constant dwelling each and every waking moment,wishing bad upon them,thinking about them in rather horrific situations which isn’t morally right just because I loathe them,how I’d never eat because I was constantly paranoid and if I did I’d just nitpick,how I relapsed and self harmed,how I wasted my tears on people that had long moved on,countless failed suicide attempts because I wholeheartedly believed that that’s what they wanted and that they’d be happy with that decision. It’s not fair. They don’t deserve to be happy or get recognition and all those friends,I DO. I can’t bring myself to forgive them,I really wanted to but I just can’t especially when I went through all of that shit in the span of 4. Fucking. Months.

[actually-nagito]

i really have nothing. I’m so alone. this was all I had left. please don’t bully others just to feel better about yourself. you have no idea how awful my life is. I’m cursed. nothing has gone right for the past five years. Last year when I was on my deathbed and only made it through by forcing myself to suffer, my dog died two days after I got discharged from the hospital. my close friend dumped be because my face reminds them of someone else who hurt them and therefore I’m the bad guy. no they wouldn’t even talk about it with me; they just blocked me every time I tried to ask why or what happened or what I did or if we could at least be civil with each other. But they said I didn’t do anything of course. They didn’t even answer back when I messaged them on my deathbed saying my surgery didn’t go well but I forgive them for everything they did and I hope they could start fresh with me too. they responded basically saying they’re embarrassed by me and ashamed and that they don’t want to ever associate with me or talk to me again. Treated me like I was worthless and not human. Like a piece of trash. And I started to believe them. That I was worthless. That I didn’t deserve anything even though I didn’t actually do anything to hurt them. No, they only got angry cause I told them that their friends are being a bit mean to me and I asked if they could stop saying mean things about me to their friends. Got told I was selfish and they blocked me before they even let me finish my sentence/apology. They finally read my apology the other day and I took their side, worded it nicely, and all I asked for was just to be civil with each other. They blocked me again. Nothing I do will ever please them, cause they never cared in the first place. Never asked me about my surgery. Never tried to reconcile. Never even communicated with me about anything. I bet they don’t even know what happened after my surgery, cause they didn’t read my messages properly. They would skim my messages and then get mad that they misinterpreted something that they wouldn’t have misinterpreted if they just actually read my messages. Because ignoring me and telling people I’m a bad person is easier than confronting yourself I guess. They have no idea how much of my life they’ve ruined. I could ruin theirs by telling the truth to their friends, but I don’t. Because I’m not mean. I don’t ruin other people’s friendships just to gain praise and a good reputation.

I cared so much about them. I wanted to believe so bad that they were a good person. That they cared. That they could be civil with me or would try to. But the truth is they never did care. If they did they would’ve tried to communicate at all before dumping me. But instead they pushed themselves up by pushing me down. I told them I forgave them but the truth is they ruined so much of my life. This was all I had left and they’re so privleged they don’t even realize how much I’ve lost. How much they’ve ruined. How simple their life is, that they can just meet someone every day and make friends. That they can actually participate in society and not have to worry about surviving the next hour. And they’ll never realize it until they experience something remotely similar, but for now they haven’t and because of that I’m the bad guy. I even tried telling them I don’t have a lot of time left, I don’t have months and months and years to wait for them to realize something that they should’ve a long time ago.

The truth is I still do care about them and I wish I didn’t. I wish it didn’t bother me. I wish I could live carefree and happily ignore them. But I don’t get that privilege anymore. I lost a lot.

My life has been slowly fading away for years. I am slowly rotting until one day I won’t have even the ability to survive anymore. I can feel it coming. I know it’s soon. I just wish I could have my life back. I’m so tired of being so alone. Of everyone being against me because of something one person said.

Please. Just let me have something. Please.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

My “Good ol’ days” also included . . . 3-4-23

"Every decision I have made - from changing jobs, to changing partners, to changing homes - has been taken with trepidation. I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me." - Erica Jong

There is a Remembrance Celebration in honor of my dad today.

There will be food, but it's mostly supposed to be people visiting, sharing memories, and telling stories about my dad.

Any of you readers that have been with me since back when I first started writing, know most of my stories already.

I always feel super limited on what I can share.

Although most everyone who knew my dad, and know me, knows that our relationship was strained, to say the least.

We were just getting back on track to mend when we lost him. We were making baby steps, but still making head way.

My point though, is that it's incredibly hard to remember stories that aren't the same things I always share, like the cereal prizes for stocking stuffers, him teaching me to ride a bike, or the summer I was grounded to the back yard for 3 months pulling nails out of old barn lumber that went into building that old house on the hill.

There were lots of "bad" times throughout my childhood and my younger, more formative years, but not all were bad. Some were just him being more strict than any other kids parents in town.

Love, although some unhealthy, but love nonetheless was usually felt. It was an underlying foundation for our lives.

We had lots of not positive, but not bad experiences together as well. Most of which I'm not going to share because of their inappropriate nature. Time and place.

As soon as I was old enough, we bonded over some of the most toxic behaviors a father and son could possibly share.

And granted, I followed his missteps more often than those of better quality, but we were still close. During those times, up until our falling out, he was one of my best friends.

I passed along dysfunction right to my own children for years.

We, all, started to break those cycles down though.

As much as I try to limit my deathbed regrets, I will, unfortunately, carry a few with me the rest of my days. One of which is that we waited so long to reach out. It took me quite a while even after turning my life around to start looking out on people with eyes of forgiveness and of reciprocation for the same forgiveness.

A day late and a dollar short.

He used to say that to me a lot growing up. It wasn't until I got older I really, truly understood what it meant.

No matter what though, I have lots of positives in my life today because of him at different times throughout my life.

From good carpenter skills and work ethic that I learned from a very young age to things he did wrong that I vowed to do differently myself as a parent.

The good, the bad, and the obvious ugly are parts of what was. And although I wish sometimes, I could only remember the good, or just the positives, the truth is I'd be robbing myself of the real; the real, and the mistakes, make us human. And made us more the same than different.

I always loved my dad, even when I didn't like him, but now I love him, knowing that to dislike anything about him was to dislike the parts of him that are me too.

I realize my relationship with my dad differs from everyone else's version of him, and that's ok.

I'm not trying to take anything away from your versions of him, I just can't allow anyone to try and take away my version either. Not after all the work I put into being ok with my life and how it turned out.

I promise you, it's all made me a better me.

Go share in the love and laughter with the world around you before it’s too late. Life is too short and limited, and wisdom comes so late in life, so take advantage of the time you have with those closest to your heart while you can.

Until next time;

"I have accepted fear as a part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back, turn back, you'll die if you venture too far... In the past several years I have learned, in short, to trust myself. - Erica Jong

[maggeemoo]

17/07/2021/4: It came to me in a dream. To be precise, it has been coming to me in dreams. Little fragments of a life long past. Tiny memories of holding a hand; your hand. Only last night did it click, but this is routine. Amnesia caused by death and rebirth, years of living normally, then boom, they’re back. Though I know that sometimes they don’t. The dreams have moments of intermission, of me living a life without you–of me growing old without you. Until I find you again, I know that when I read this back it’ll sound like utter nonsense. The memories only stick when I’m with you. It’s been four lives since I’ve seen you, including the lives where I never remembered. At least for now, for next few hours, I can remember. All the faces you had, all the smiles. Every time we fell asleep in each other’s embrace. Every time we danced without music. Every time I woke up with you beside me. I miss you. I know we’ll find each other at some point, I only hope that it’s soon. 23/11/1998/7: It was much more sudden this time around. I was just in the middle of a music class. I was merrily playing along to my accompanist. I started to improvise, and somehow landed in something that felt familiar. I went home and racked my brain to find where I had possibly heard what I played. When I played the notes back again, it felt so right to start singing, to write this song I had never heard, at least not in this life. When I finally finished, it felt wrong. Like there was something missing. An instrument? No. A Melody or bassline? Also no. It was missing a voice. Your voice. With that realization, all the times we sang together rushed back to me. All the times you hummed as I played. All the times our voices cracked trying to sing too high or low. I miss you so so much. I just want to sing with you again. Please, let me sing with you again soon. 05/03/2173/47: It took far too long. I’m barely writing this, I’m on my deathbed. I was falling asleep with people around me, no, I was dying. My life was flashing before my eyes, seeing the happy and sad memories of the family that was sobbing around me. But then I saw a face–no, a few faces–that weren’t among my family. Every face that didn’t fit with them felt familiar. Like every face was the same face, no matter how different they were. I saw faces that I did recognize as my family within the others. I saw you in my family. Not you, but hints of you. My son smiled the same way you did. My wife laughed the same way you did. My granddaughter had a twinkle in her eyes similar to yours. It brought me back long enough to let my family go home, but as I write I can tell I’m growing weaker. I miss you so stupidly much, it’s unbearable. I want to see you again, to feel your touch. I want so badly just to have a glimpse of whatever life you’re leading right now. Normally it only takes a life or two for me to remember. Why did it take over 40 this time? Am I forgetting you? Am I starting to lose touch with my old memories? I don’t want to forget you. Every time I remember you, I fall in love with you all over again. My eyes are getting heavy. I hope I meet you again soon. 01/01/0001/137: I don’t know why, but I’ve known about you for this entire life. As soon as I could think, as soon as I could remember anything, I remembered you. I feel so close to you. This life is still young, so as long as it sticks I’m going to search for you. It hasn’t faltered even once during this life. Every image is so sharp and vivid, like I was seeing it right before my eyes. But still, it took a while to remember anything at all. Maybe I was resting to allow the memories to stick for longer so I can find you. I will find you. No matter how many lives, how many eons I witness, I will find you. Wait for me.

🖤~Song Of The Day~🖤

The song of the day is:     I Hear a Symphony -by- Code Fry

The challenge is to write something based off of this song, be it the name, the cover, the lyrics, or the tune itself. Let your imagination go wild and see where the music takes you.

Have at it Darlings!

[kakyoinswifey]

ENCHANTED — KAKYOIN NORIAKI

characters ; kakyoin noriaki

genre ; some angst, definitely more than fluff

warnings ; characters' death, original and alternative universe, noriaki is from morioh.

When you met the group made up of Joseph Joestar, Avdol, Jotaro, Kakyoin and Polnareff, you knew that they would be people who would change your whole world and your entire life. In a good and a bad way. They taught you to smile more, they brightened up your life, they gave it color. But it also brought with it fights, enemies, confrontation. Death.

But you remembered something well. From the first moment, you knew that, even through the good and bad, there would be something inevitable for you. You were destined to fall madly in love with your red-haired friend. Perhaps you knew it since, when you introduced yourself to them, he was the only one to take your hand and kiss it, whispering an "I'm enchanted to meet you" that made you blush hard.

Your fears and insecurities disappeared once you saw his kind eyes that only showed his devotion to you. They all vanished when you saw his face.

And all you could say is it was enchanting to meet him.

Little by little, the playful conversation starts. Both of you enjoyed to be around the other, smiling and taking advantage of every second that they weren't being attacked by an enemy. You felt you were living a love fantasy. Just by looking into his violet eyes you knew what he was thinking, and he read your own mind in the same way, like passing notes in secrecy...

Until Polnareff said something that kept you intrigued. "Can you imagine that he actually has a girlfriend?" The silver haired just said that to mock you, but you realized Kakyoin and you were just spending time together, but none of you asked to each other if you both were single.

So, it was 2 AM while you were sharing a room. The heat was killing you, so you couldn't sleep, and you decided to ask before you'll go crazy.

"Who do you love?" Words ran up from your mouth, and you wished you were more gentle, until you heard him laughing quietly, his cheeks blused. "You. You're the one I'm in love with."

Both bright glances shone with excitement. Just two teenagers enchanted to meet their first love.

And you were wonderstruck, dancing around all alone when the radio was still on and you just wanted to enjoy the time you got.

Time that, unfortunately, wasn't so long.

Standing in front of him, while watching the horrible scene in front of you, you couldn't help but stifle a cry of despair and pain. The tears began to fall from your eyes, your knees giving out in grief and falling to the ground. Your stand make its way to get to his body and bring him down to where you were to accompany him in the last moments he had left.

"I got you. You don't need to worry. I'm with you now." You repeated to him, caressing his face, giving some consolation on his deathbed. You tried to contain your tears, but it was irremediable. And maybe you were selfish, but decided not to shut it up. "I love you. I'm here with you, Nori. You don't need to do more. Just rest. Everything's alright. Just rest." And, when you felt her pulse grow weaker, your voice and your sobs mingled, as you whispered your own promises to your first love, the purest love you would have in your life.

"I just pray for this being the very first page, not where our story ends... My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again. I won't forget you, never." These are the words you held back, as he was leaving you too soon. You could feel the cold in the air, but even more his icy hands, that you were holding into your own, pierced your skin. "Just wait until we meet again, alright? So, when the moment comes, don't be in love with someone else. Please, don't have someone waiting on you. We have to live our love, it doesn't matter if it's here or in another world. We have to be together, Noriaki."

Soon, the sound of the Speedwagon Foundation helicopter rang in your ears and it pained you to know that it was time to say goodbye. You could no longer see him smile sweetly, play or joke with you, you could never again enjoy the harmonious sight of her red hair and her violet eyes, staring you with the same devotion as you did.

And, while the men in charge secured what you already knew, you only had one question that will haunt you for the rest of your life. You'll spend foreber wondering if he knew you were enchanted to meet him. The lingering question kept you up all your nights from now on until the day you left.

...

It was 5:16 AM in this town. 1989, January 16th. The night was sparkling. You couldn't sleep more. You had recently arrived on a trip, you had had a strange impulse when you arrived at the place. Morioh wasn't exactly a well-known town in Tokyo, but you finally arrived at the place that made your heart ache. And, for some reason, you were obeying its whims. Unable to come back to sleep, you decided to go and take a walk in the park. Unfortunately for you, when you were near the bust stop, it started raining, and you had to run towards some bench that had a roof so as not to get wet, but the first one you found was not exactly empty, and you only realized it when you bumped into someone.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you!" You said to apologize... Until you looked up and noticed who was this person. "No need to feel sorry, I didn't want to get caught in the rain too and-." The young man standing in front of you seemed just as surprised as you, interrupting his own sentences. "Sorry... Have we met?" He asked you.

You didn't aswered inmediatly. You remembered his face, his eyes, his red hair, from somewhere. But you couldn't remember where it was from. That sweet voice talking to you.

"Even if something happens, I will meet you in another life. And we'll live what we couldn't in this one."

Your eyes widened. Those words had resonated in your mind for no apparent reason. But you felt as if this man had dedicated them to you before.

"I think so. But I don't know exactly where we did." You whispered, trying not to offend him. "But I think you were so important for me. I feel bad for not being able to remember you."

He smiled at you sweetly, and you felt the relief in your shoulders and your mind. "Well, we can mend that. My name's Kakyoin Noriaki, and yours?" This young man inquired you. Some warm in your heart made you feel you can trust him. "(Y/N)." You replied, stretching out your hand for a greeting. The redhead took yours and brought it to his lips to give it a short kiss. "I'm enchanted to meet you. And I hope you're not in love with someone else."

And you were wonderstruck, blushing all the way home with his words running your mind, and the promise of meeting him again the next day.

I CRIED MY EYES OUT WRITING THIS. I was so excited to write it soon that I did like this. I'll probably make a prettier version of this later.

Listening to Taylor gives me a lot of ideas :')

[imaginesbymonika]

The tomato girl.

Pre-Finale !!!!!!!!!!!!

Pairing: Steve-O x fem!reader

Plot: Y/N and Steve-O were clearly in love with each other, but well, if no one speaks up how were they supposed to know?

Warnings: angst, mention of people getting injured, but really just some mentioning of blood and some swearing, literally the saddest chapter i ever wrote of anything ever

masterlist | previous chapter

song to listen to while reading:

Y/N stares at Steveo as he makes his way past her towards her living room. "Is everything alright?", she asks and shuts the door behind him. The man sits down on the couch: "I don't know. I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah, I figured.", she chuckles but when Steveo stays speechless she clears her throat and sits down next to him. A silence fills the room and after a few moments, the young woman yawns softly.

"Listen.", Steveo lets out and turns to face her: "I don't want to bother you, not at all, I am going to leave you alone...I just need to know."

The y/h/c woman wrinkles her forehead.

"But I just cannot live a day longer without knowing. I just cannot do it." At this point, a look of actual difficulty is covering his features as he searches hers for a sign that she understands what he is talking about.

"Was there, at any point in time, a moment where you looked at me and saw more than a friend?" Y/N's eyes widen and her jaw slightly drops as she takes in a deep but shaky breath.

She wants to say something but before the first word can even fully leave her lips her phone goes off. They both stare at each other as the ringing fills the room. And for a second they are once again sitting on the steps to the bar. And it is freezing as she cried into his side. He wanted to join her because god if anything he felt like crying his eyes out like a little child.

Then the voicemail goes off. "Oh shit, I totally forgot it's probably nighttime in LA. This is Ezra, by the way, but you probably kno-. Anyway, I just- I can't wait to see you again. It's been a few days since you left and I-I-I- I just cannot wait another day. So, I just have to ask you this question, and I know how things are between us and I know you need time- but it's been a few years now and I cannot visualize my life without you somewhere in it. So - I have to ask this- will you marry me? Maybe call me back when you hear this in the morning, or wait until we see each other again in person. Anyway, I love you."

Steveo stares at the phone and feels how his insides turn. He was too late. Holy shit, he was actually too late. This shit wasn't just something that happened in movies. It was awfully substantial and so very painful. He slowly gazes back at Y/N who hasn't looked away from him once in the past minute. Instead, her hand is covering her mouth while hot tears are streaming down her beautiful face. She always looked so pretty to him, even when she cried like this. He thought the same thing when they were sitting outside the bar, the night before she left. But back then he assumed it wasn’t the right moment to tell her that sort of information. Looks like he missed a lot of right moments.

Back then he thought perhaps she would come back one day and they could start over again. And yes, he was right, she did come back. But she isn't the same person and he isn't either.

So instead of saying anything he only reaches for her hand and squeezes it three times before he gets up from his spot on the couch and walks out of her bungalow.

"Why is he always doing that?", Bam asked with a high brow as the group watched how the ambulance, with Stevo inside, drove off. "What are you talking about?", Y/N inquired, not tearing her eyes off the vehicle. "Don't act stupid.", the brown-haired man declared and Johnny chuckled: "That squeezing thingy like he always squeezes your hand twice when he's practically laying on his deathbed in there."

But Y/N only shrugged her shoulders: "That's his way of telling me that everything's fine, I guess. Twice for 'I'm fine' or four times for 'It will be alright." Ryan who is the first one to walk back on set chuckles: "And three times for 'I love you’ , or what?". But at that the young woman only tilted her head: "I don't know, he never did that before."

"Oh believe me.", Chris mumbled under his breath and mainly to himself as he followed Ryan: "One day he will."

[corvidcall]

I love the Hunchback of Notre Dame movie too and I did not know there was a musical, what didn't you like about it? Do I wanna know how bad it is

i have been waiting years for someone to ask me about the stage musical

Probably you haven't heard about it because 1. I don't think it's very good (and the world operates based solely on my opinions, right?) 2. for union/profit reasons, it has never been on Broadway and likely never will (apparently Stephen Schwartz and Alan Menken, who also composed the original Disney film, said the stage version HAD to have a full live choir on stage, and getting the choir on a Broadway production would have required different union negotiations, and Disney didn't think it would be profitable. I honestly think they're probably right)

ANYWAY this got way too long so it's all going under a cut. I have some nice things to say in there, too! I swear!

i saw it in 2018 in Seattle, and while I love to talk shit, there are definitely things that I liked about it!! I went to see it because Joshua Castille was in the title role (he played Ernst in the Deaf West production of Spring Awakening). As you might know, I am a trained ASL interpreter! So I really wanted to support a Deaf artist, and I wanted to see how they approached my favorite Disney musical (and how the interpreters handled it!!!)

Joshua Castille was honestly incredible, and everything they did to incorporate his Deafness into the role was really cool. When he was by himself/with the gargoyles, he used ASL, but Frollo refused to sign with him and would only respond if he spoke, which I thought was a great extension of the way Frollo has treated Quasimodo his whole life (ie "I am abusing you for your own good"). When Esmeralda and Quasimodo start becoming friends, she tries to pick up some signs from him, which I thought was a great element. During Quasimodo's songs, one of the gargoyles would sing the part while Castille performed it in ASL. Here's a video of "Out There", if you're interested to see how it worked.

I think that in other productions, they've tried to kind of incorporate the fact that Quasimodo was deaf in the book? But I believe they started by having Hearing actors in the role, which is... well. It Is. But I saw it with a Deaf actor in the role and he was great. I thought that Quasimodo's hearing loss was a good thing they brought in from the original novel that actually really added to the production.

Not... everything was as good of a choice as that one.

See, it's specifically a stage adaption of the Disney movie. It uses all the Disney songs. One would think that it would maybe be aiming to have the same themes as the Disney movie, the chiefest of which is... let's say "internal vs external monsterhood." Quasimodo looks like a monster, but he is a good person, whereas Frollo looks normal, but is, inside, a monster.

You know what you wouldn't want to do, if that's your main theme? Start the show off with Frollo's sad backstory!!! He and his brother were orphans! They were raised by the church! His brother ran off with a Romani woman and Frollo didn't see him again until he was on his deathbed, when he asked Frollo to raise his son for him. That son was Quasimodo!

Like... why add this? Why give this character a sad backstory? A family that he loved? I don't understand what I'm supposed to get out of this. Is it... to justify why he's racist? Because I didn't really need a justification for that. It honestly makes his abuse of Quasimodo even weirder- like, he loved his brother and would have done anything for him, but is abusing his brother's son? I know it HAPPENS, but it just... feels so out of line with the rest of the story, I really can't fathom what I as an audience member am supposed to take away from it. This backstory doesn't add any richness or depth to the story. It takes away from it! And like... so Frollo was sad. Do you care? Clap if you care.

They made a bunch of changes to Pheobus, but I don't really care that much about that, beyond the fact that I think they made him somehow suck even more (iirc his intro song is basically "i just got back into paris from The War and im here to FUCK" like... ok i guess.)

But I'd say my number one biggest problem with the show is the changed ending. Esmeralda dies in this one. She gets tied to a pyre, and Quasimodo rescues her, but she's inhaled too much smoke, so she tells him he's been a great friend to her and then she dies.

I know this is more accurate to the novel. But like... I don't care about that? I don't think you can grade the quality of an adaption based on it's faithfulness to the source material. Why would anyone bother adapting anything, if that were the case? Some things don't work in adaption, and sometimes you're using the adaption to send a different message than the source material. An adaption should be able to stand on it's own, otherwise, why did any of us fucking bother? If a movie is based on a book, I shouldn't have to read the book to enjoy the movie, and likewise, they shouldn't include things from the book that don't make it a better movie!

The original novel was focused on the importance of architecture, how buildings were the primary way ideas were spread and preserved before the printing press. Hugo was concerned that the actual Notre Dame cathedral was in disrepair, that France would lose an essential part of it's history. If a good adaption was really only about being faithful to the source material, then we should be upset that that's an idea that has not been represented in most adaptions of Hunchback! I mean, sure, it's not represented in them because that's a problem that got solved, so we don't really need to spread the good word of historical preservation, but it's in the original! And also, the themes about social justice AREN'T in the original, so we should be mad about all those, too, right? (If you haven't seen Lindsay Ellis's video about Hunchback, I'd recommend checking it out. she talks a lot about the evolution of the themes in various adaptions.)

I'm saying all this because, while I know that Esmeralda dies in the book, and that basically every character in it kinda sucks, I think that really undercuts the themes that the Disney movie was going for (like I said, "internal vs external monsterhood"). Quasimodo and Frollo both are in love with Esmeralda, and she does not return those feelings. Quasimodo is sad and hurt, but he also is happy to have Esmeralda as a friend, and wants her to be happy as well. Frollo would rather she die than not be with him. This is one of the key points of contrast between Quasimodo and Frollo. Even their songs about Esmeralda are thematic opposites!!! Hellfire vs Heaven's Light!!!

So having her just die at the end makes that whole thing pointless. She doesn't get to be with the man she's actually in love with. Quasimodo doesn't get to complete his arc, where he accepts her decision and is happy for her. Frollo basically got what he wanted! What does this change add to the story, other than another token attempt at being "more book accurate," a thing nobody with an ounce of sense in their head should actually care about?

The stage musical uses the same music as the Disney movie, which were building to the themes and the conclusion that was shown in that movie, but it has a different ending, so those themes don't pay off. It's like they bought a lego set and used it to build something entirely different. Like, you CAN do that, but I'm not going to believe you when you tell me you actually built the lego set as it was intended.

Also I thought all the songs they added for the show sucked ass.