#it drives me insane and also kind of seconds my point i guess

[isa-ah]

i knew a fujoshi in high school who was straight up incapable of being normal abt trans men. it's was the most uncomfortable woobification and sexualización ever. (why did my phone auto correct that to spanish i'm on my english keyboard)

theres this part of me thats convinced women who act like that are men who are in denial bc why else do you give a shit lmao

[just-trying-to-fangirl-in-peace]

Okay have read “tides of fate” now.

First: obligatory fave quote: “No sooner had he breathed the air into his new lungs than he had claimed your mouth, fell with you to the ground on the very spot where his new feet had first touched it, and begged to have his wife.”

Like yes, babe, and it was hot as fuck.

Second: that it was evil!reader that persuaded Sauron back on track instead of maybe considering going home with his tail between his legs makes “Defied” so much spicier. Now it has an undercurrent of “you wouldn’t even be here without me, why won’t you listen? Why won’t you yield just a little?” It calls attention to the fact that Sauron thinks of her as a part of him, not just in the cutesy way but also (subconsciously and probably buried deep in his mind) as a part of him to serve his purposes. A beloved vital organ, barred from going against him in anyway.

My longstanding conspiracy theory is that Sauron (esp as you write him but generally) has a need to be Adored, (in canon in the sense of being worshipped, in fanfic land in both worship and the romantic relationship sense). I think your evil reader series couples really well with that, in the sense that your Sauron both needs to be adored and to adore. That he has a SO so intertwined with his story, his plots and schemes satisfies both needs.

I think he feeds on evil!reader’s desire of him in a very real way. I do wonder how he’d fare given the “it’s me or the rings” ultimatum but for real. I also lowkey wonder if his proposal to form The Two, by mixing their blood together, might have something to do with potentially binding her to him even more permanently, so no matter how angry or disappointed or abandoned she felt she would never be able to forsake him. He’d have to be banking on his maiar blood overpowering hers and keeping her from having a similar impact on him, I guess.

Anyways, these are the ramblings I have to offer today. Thanks for the great fic 💜

Oh they are excellent ramblings👀 I perfectly agree that Sauron wants to be admired, and I think that’s also why when someone tries to call him Sauron aka “the Abhorred” he kind of deflects with his go-to line ‘I’ve had many names’.

As for their relationship, in my mind, the more involved they get with the Rings, the more things spiral out of control. I did have the fight in Defied on my mind while I was writing this, cause in that one reader is the one backtracking a little while Sauron just goes full-speed ahead and that’s partially because at that point he especially is more and more blinded by his greed for the Rings, since they are literally made of him. There is a hope on both their parts that The Two will help put them back on the same track and make their union even stronger, but tbh at the moment I don’t see it going that well😅 Like, there might be such a thing as ‘too close’. I was listening to Over each other by Linkin Park, and it made me think of a potential period of decline between them where their thoughts are so intertwined by the influence of The Two that it feels like ‘all they are is talking over each other’:

Reaching for satellites, but all along/Under your breath, you're sayin' that I was wrong, oh/The skyscrapers we created are comin' down/And free-fallin' to the pavement/Cause you won't let me breathe/And I'm not ever right/All we are is talkin'/Over each other

And that drives them insane and brings out the worst in them, making them blame each other for the mess as the peoples of Middle-Earth keep fighting back and their goal seems forever out of reach and ugh. It’s messy af and idk how (if) that’s gonna be fixed.

But I like to go hand in hand with canon so you guys don’t have to worry about that kind of angst any time soon. Good thing season 3 isn’t here yet😅

[pensat-i-fet]

An unbearable fan (Rúben Dias x Reader)

**So I was requested this the other day and it's kind of funny huh? Me writing from the POV of a Madrid fan. Just in case you didn't know it was fiction, this is the definitive proof 😅 anyways, it’s just banter and a bit of angst and fluff for all of you to hopefully enjoy! ❤️**

Word count: 1238

Masterlist

Wattpad

There were downsides to any relationship and that included a relationship with a football player. All the travelling, all the emotions that went up and down depending on the result of that specific day…it could be a lot. But when the player didn't play for the team you loved with all your heart, things could get a bit messier.

Luckily for you, Rúben played in England. Your team played in the Spanish League. So the chances of him playing against Madrid were so small…but there still was a chance.

And so when Madrid beat Chelsea and City beat Bayern, it was time for a second semifinal in a row between your team and your boyfriend's. And you hated it.

For the first leg, the teams played at the Bernabéu. Being back there was special for you. And it helped you daydream about Rúben playing there in the future…but for the home team. A girl can dream.

The match ended in a draw and Rúben should have been given MOTM because he drove your attacking players insane. They don't call him "the wall" for nothing.

"Just 1-0 at home, and we're in the final".

"Yeah, good luck with that", you said, rolling your eyes. "My boys were just warming up yesterday. They saved all the magic for the Etihad".

"You lot are really into saving the magic for the last minute. It gets annoying, you know?"

"Not to us!", you shrugged.

The banter continued during the next week but what changed was the nerves you felt. Rúben being in the final was great but you couldn't just root against your team. They had already been in a similar position the previous season and it broke your heart. But also, you were happy he lost and that made you feel like a horrible person. You tried not to show it in front of him but he wasn't dumb.

"Are you wearing that?", he asked, pointing at your outfit.

"Yes. What's wrong with it?"

"You always wear my shirt to matches. But I guess you're just making it clear again you want me to lose".

"It's not that but, it's my team…imagine Madrid and Benfica played each other! You'd want Benfica to win and I wouldn't blame you".

"You don't play for any of the teams. That makes the difference. I get you want them to always win but you should make an exception when they play against me!"

"I'd be happy if you win…".

"I doubt it".

You didn't want to say more because it'd only make things harder to fix later. But driving in silence was going to make you go insane.

"Good luck".

"It almost sounded like you meant it".

"Rúben, I do mean it".

"You mean you want me to do well while my team is destroyed. But it's a team sport. What I do means nothing".

"Tell that to Benzema".

He ignored your comment and left to join the rest of the team without saying goodbye.

Why couldn't they draw another team instead of yours???

Rúben wasn't completely wrong. Whatever happened, you wanted him to be the best player on the pitch. It could be someone else who messed up when your team scored.

And he was one of the best…but then again, so was Bernardo who scored a brace. And Julián only needed a few minutes on the pitch to seal their pass to the final. 4-0, how did that happen?

Apart from Rúben doing well, you wanted just a simple 0-1. No team needed to be humiliated this time. But yours was and it was against one of your biggest enemies. Pep.

When you saw Rúben waiting for you by the car, you noticed his smile and that pissed you off. So you couldn't want your team to win but he could laugh after humiliating you? Bit unfair, that.

"You feeling ok after that?"

Your response was to look inside his trousers' pockets, which confused him. "Did you take Karim out already? Nice, he needs the fresh air".

"You're joking?"

"It's that or telling you to go to hell. I'm trying to be diplomatic".

The day after the match, you were off work so sleeping in sounded like the best way to start your day. By the time you woke up, Rúben was long gone and so you made it to the kitchen expecting it to be empty.

And there was no Rúben there but it looks like he had time to buy, and print, all the newspaper articles about the match before leaving to train. He even checked the Barcelona press to find the most insulting headlines.

But two could play that game.

"Did you read the news today?", he asked when he got back home.

"I've never been a newspaper person. I prefer to get my news from Twitter".

"From Madrid fan accounts? I bet they are real objective".

"Are you a comedian now?"

"Come on…", he said, hugging you. "Forgive me for annihilating your team".

"Should we talk about last season, Dias? Stop it!"

"Such a sore loser", he laughed.

"Well, I'm not used to losing unlike others".

                                      **

The weeks that passed between the semifinals and the final had helped you two forget your little fight. But you were still petty and had a surprise saved for Rúben.

"It's so tiring to pack for just a couple of days. I've checked the weather so many times to bring the right clothes".

"You can always use that as an excuse to go shopping there".

"You're right. But…can you help me? I don't know if this outfit is right for the match?"

When he got there, his smile disappeared.

"I can't stand you".

"Is it good or not?"

"When did you buy an Inter shirt?"

"When I saw the newspapers you left for me".

"It was a joke", he said, annoyed.

"This is a joke too".

"A joke is supposed to be funny".

"Really, Rúben? So you thought I would laugh at what you did to me?"

And it was back to square one. But at least this time you travelled separately. And, even if he pissed you off so much since he beat Madrid, you still wore his shirt to the match. You didn't even wear a Madrid one to the semis and he really thought you'd wear an Inter one now? Silly boy.

But all the jokes and digs meant nothing when you saw him lifting the trophy. Your eyes watered immediately and you couldn't wait to hug him.

"You…you won", you said, sobbing and hiding your face in his neck.

"Yeah, sorry about that".

You both laughed and he held you tighter while you cried.

"I'm really proud of you, you know?"

"Even if I beat your team to win the trophies?"

"Yeah", you said, looking up at him. "Even then. Seeing you after you won just…I didn't expect it to mean so much".

"It means a lot to me that it means a lot to you".

You hugged in the middle of the pitch, forgetting about everyone else.

"Besides, you still have a long way to go to catch us so…we like doing charity work and letting others win every once in a while".

Rúben laughed and shook his head. "You are the most unbearable fanbase in the world, you know?"

"I know. But at least you managed to get one of us to be happy you won today".

[inkblackorchid]

I was gonna try to keep my mouth shut, but I can't. I just can't. I have to go on another Aki rant because I feel like I'm going to explode. It's about this scene:

This drives me insane and I'm putting this under a readmore. Expect incoherent screaming, all ye who enter here.

Ok. Ok. I have so many issues with this scene. Specifically, with the way it develops later, when Aki's busy trying to figure out how to save a child from being swept up by a storm:

And I just. Look, I think the fact that I already wrote a fic that basically completely turns Aki's reaction here on its head should basically tell you everything. But! But. Allow me to defend why I think this whole scene is one big heap of horseshit, with a bit of analysis of canon and actual evidence to back up my claims and shit.

The thing is, I have seen people give this scene a charitable read. I've seen people be happy for Aki to enjoy freedom from the psychic powers that have given her so much trouble in her life. And the thing is, if this were season one or season two Aki, I would be completely on board with that take. Unfortunately, this scene is preceded by the pre-WRGP arc. But more on that below.

Moreover, I can make an educated guess about what they were going for here (in terms of messaging, because this is a kids' show at the end of the day and messaging is something you have to be properly concerned with when it comes to these). I can imagine it running somewhere along the lines of "you don't need special powers to be a hero". Or even "you can grow past the hurt and/or the mistakes in your life and still become a good person or even a hero". And really, I wish I could believe that take. It's just. The writing simply doesn't add up. I wish it did, but it doesn't.

This is where we get back to the pre-WRGP arc. And not just that, actually, but the timeskip between the dark signers and pre-WRGP arc, too. Because the thing is, the last time we have seen Aki in anguish about her powers on-screen by the time the episodes above (108-109) arrive was during the DS arc, during the duel with her father, which happened during episodes 40-41. 40. to. 41. This was over sixty episodes ago at this point. And after that, that's it. As far as the DS arc is concerned, Aki's conflict about her powers is resolved the second she controls them for the first time when her father tries to interfere in her second duel against Yusei.

(Yeah, remember this moment? That was literally the last time we saw Aki in conflict with her powers.)

And I know some people would argue "but what about the dark signer duel with Misty?". And yes, I get it. Misty does accuse her of having murdered her brother with her powers and Aki gets incredibly (understandably) upset about it. But the thing is, we know that's fake, and during the duel, Aki knows that, too. She goes as far as insisting that there were no casualties at the duel where Misty thinks Toby died.

(Yes, I have screenshot proof for literally every dumb little thing in this show, why do you ask?)

It's only after Misty keeps pushing and backing her into a corner during their duel (and literally gaslighting her) that she begins to believe Misty's version of the events. Which is why this doesn't "count" as Aki being in conflict with her powers the way her second duel with Yusei does. At least not to me, feel free to debate me over this if you wanna.

Okay, but what am I driving at here? Fair question. Let me hop back to after the dark signers' defeat.

So, we know there's a half-year timeskip between the DS and the pre-WRGP arc (which was allegedly enough for NDC to connect the city and Satellite, deal with all the social issues that entailed, and also build a giant duel network, which I will never believe but I digress). Unfortunately, what exactly our main characters did during that timeskip is never addressed, it's just kind of there to segway immediately into the WRGP setup. So the only thing we can do is guess at what they got up to based on where they are as people by the time we get back to them during the start of the pre-WRGP arc. So where's Aki at when we see her again after the dark signers' defeat then?

Oh, she's attending duel academy again now! That's nice. So that probably means the student body isn't scared shitless of her anymore and she's not being ostracised anymore.

Wow, she's an exceptional student! That means she must be a really good duellist. So she got the hang of her powers, then?

...Ah.

Do you start to see my problem? Past the DS arc, we are not being given any indication that Aki is still struggling with her powers or still resents them or herself like she used to. You could be forgiven for thinking that she's healed in the meantime. She's fine. She has accepted herself and can now use her powers safely. Which makes her later claiming "she no longer needs that cursed power" a bit... hmmm. And another thing. The fact that she refers to it as "cursed" rubs me the wrong way. After the defeat of the dark signers, she literally never does that even a single time before the moment in the hospital during the storm. (I'd post all the screenshots to prove it here but for one, tumblr doesn't allow it, and for two, I hope you'll believe I did my due diligence without it.)

And it just irks me. If the powers are still a "curse" to Aki by episodes 108-109, why give us the moment above?

And why give us this moment, where she saves Sherry, Yusei, and herself with those powers?

And why give us this moment, where she literally uses her powers at a public event to protect people, and is evidently not cussed out as a witch for it? Neither of these moments do anything to indicate that Aki still hates her powers. They don't indicate that she sees them as a "beast of burden" or necessary evil of a sort, either. On the contrary, I don't think it would be too out there to claim all these moments make her look rather badass. Like a small celebration of "hey, now she can finally use these powers for cool and not evil things!".

Yet, somehow, we still end up with episodes 108-109, where the writers expect the audience to buy that Aki was secretly still hoping she might eventually be rid of these powers after all. And maybe this would be easier to swallow if there weren't also the fact that they later literally go back on it to add to this confusing mess. Because the thing is, we all know the finale scene after the three-way duel with Sherry where Aki protects them with her powers (which have suddenly reappeared, aha!) again and also finds out she can use these powers to heal. So not only is the framing of Aki suddenly being glad to have lost her powers extremely weird, it's also temporary anyway!

So my question is. What was the point. What was the point of all this if the writers ended up going back on it anyway? Because I want to believe there's a reasonable, charitable explanation that also makes sense with what they show us in terms of Aki's characterisation past the DS arc, but if there is, I cannot for the life of me find it. If anything, this whole thing feels like it completely contradicts itself.

First, they tie up Aki's conflict with her powers with a neat bow after she manages not to hurt her father anymore. Then, they launch into the pre-WRGP arc and blatantly tell us that she can now control them. No questions asked. Indisputable fact, and we get nothing that contradicts that, either. Then, we get a bunch of setup showing her using her powers, too, and what's more, we get other significant players in the cast taking notice of it, too, as though it might become relevant. Because Sherry isn't the only one who gets curious about Aki's powers.

(I will never understand how Placido's hood works together with his horn-thingies and have stopped trying at this point.)

The literal, central antagonists of season 3-4 also take notice of it. Like that means something. Like it'll come up again later. But, well. We know it doesn't.

Instead, she suddenly loses her powers out of nowhere (and we are never given a reason for it, either, which does nothing to make this writing decision seem anymore understandable). And, look. The thing that upsets me most about this isn't even the fact that it feels a little inconsistent with Aki's character post DS arc. If that were the only problem, I could still suspend my disbelief far enough to go along with the idea that she secretly still hated her powers quietly in the background and wanted them gone anyway. What really pisses me off is that it reeks of zero setup and knee-jerk decisions in the writing room ten miles against the wind. If they wanted us to believe Aki's glad to be rid of her powers, why give absolutely no indication that she's at odds with them past episode 41 anymore? Why let her state outright that she can now control them? Why show her on several occasions using them to her own and other people's benefit, the way a hero would? And if her powers are supposed to vanish and it's supposed to make sense, why is there no reason for it? They already used cyborg timetravel at that point, they could have literally come up with any nonsense related to that and it would have probably made at least more sense than just letting her powers vanish for no reason at all. Also, if the message behind all this is supposed to be either of the things I mentioned way above—if the idea the audience is supposed to be getting is either "you don't need special powers to be a hero" or "your past and/or your mistakes don't define you and you can heal and grow past them"—why reintroduce the powers, which, in this reading, would be a symbol of Aki's pain, of her mistakes and her dreaded past, at the very end, during the finale, then? It just doesn't add up, and it frustrates me to no end.

The writers wanted to make the moment Aki realises she can help people (well, one person, a child) without her powers seem triumphant so bad, but every time I watch it, it just completely falls flat for me. This isn't a triumph, this is a hot mess of bad writing decisions. All I'm saying is, if they wanted me to buy that Aki would be happy about losing her powers here, they were missing a hefty amount of setup and also shouldn't actually have given them back to her during the finale (no, not even as healing powers).

Moreover... I'll freely admit I also have a personal problem with this scene. I've seen this show and these episodes several times by now, and during my last rewatch and my current one, something about this scene has been creeping up on me, and I think I've figured out what that is now. So I talked about the possible message behind this scene already, and the reading I've given so far was fairly forgiving. But the thing is, there is another reading that has occurred to me that I can't unsee anymore. As much as you could make a valid case that this scene is trying to say that people don't need to be special to be heroes and save others, that past mistakes don't define us, and yadda yadda, there's also a much, much less pleasant way to interpret this scene: "You're better off if you don't stand out." And I'll freely admit, this interpretation probably occurs to me specifically because I was considered a "weird kid" at school, singled out by bullies, and avoided by "popular" kids (take a wild guess why I relate to Aki so much!). And over the years, you learn to downplay that "weirdness" because you become desperate to be accepted by someone, anyone. And given everything the show gives us about Aki's relationship with her powers, it'd make sense that this idea would be buried somewhere in her head, too. It's better not to stand out. Don't be weird. Sand down your edges so there's no chance people could get upset about them. You're better off being whatever everyone else considers "normal" than being whoever you are. It doesn't matter if this is a part of who you are, just become someone else. Someone who's easier to accept. Who's easier to love. You don't need your "weirdness".

You don't need this cursed power.

You know, the "cursed power" that Aki had from the beginning of the show, that was a part of her for years, and that the show didn't give any indication could vanish. The power that we were led to believe would just be there forever, because it was simply a part of Aki, not a conscious thing she (or the narrative) could choose. The power that we were, for all intents and purposes, led to believe she had mastered and maybe even accepted along the way. But sure, let's get rid of that. It's better if she's """normal""". And more convenient for the writers, too! After all, if she doesn't have powers anymore, they can't cause plotholes (of which the WRGP already has enough) and can't possibly give Aki any more badass moments, which makes it that much easier to sideline her. And let's package this weird, shittily set-up moment in a message about how she's better off without her powers anyway. She's happy! It makes complete sense that she's happy. She's finally normal like everyone else. Ignore the way people who might relate to the character could possibly interpret this moment differently. And ignore how none of the writing surrounding this moment makes sense.

...Sigh.

Okay, I think I've let off enough steam. I just. Yeah. I'm sorry, but I cannot for the life of me view this scene in a favourable way and watching it today made me want to chew glass tbh. My only solace is that they went back on this trainwreck writing decision in the finale. Which, really, just makes this whole mess really, really pointless, doesn't it?

For anyone who stuck around this long, thanks for reading. Sorry if this got extra-rant-y. Idk man, I just think “it’s worth the effort to accept yourself as you are, even with all the bits you might not like at first” would have been a better message than whatever this turned out to be.

[felixstudios]

Random ramble about how often I see Bellringer in-game because I don't think people truly understand how crazy it's driven me for the past YEAR. YES A YEAR THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR-

So it all started when I started the Daffodil Gardens taskline a bit after 1.3 released. I didn't know who the street manager even was, but I wasn't too bothered because I wanted to discover the game at my own pace. Pretty early into the tasks, though, I finally got to see him... Bellringer. I wondered what his fight mechanics might be and then went back to my tasks.

While I did my tasks, I'd see him more and more often. Then I left for Mezzo Melodyland, but sometimes I'd come back to do buildings and it started to feel like every time I went back to Daffodil Gardens, he was there. By some chance. A little weird, but okay whatever...

When I did the Daffodil Gardens kudos tasks, there were so many times that I'd not only see him on the streets, but when I went to a new street in the SAME DISTRICT for a task HE'D BE THERE ON THE NEW STREET EVEN THOUGH I SAW HIM LIKE 5 SECONDS AGO SOMEWHERE ELSE! Sometimes I'd even swap districts because the building I needed was taken by Cogs AND HE'D BE ON THAT STREET IN THE NEW DISTRICT TOO. But, alas, I finally finished Daffodil Gardens kudos tasks and just never went back to the streets.

The moment I started the Daffodil Gardens taskline and kudos tasks on my alt, guess who I saw everywhere on the streets? Yeah, Bellringer. Constantly changing streets that just so happened to be the ones I needed next. "Following" me through districts. Once, I didn't even know he was on the street and suddenly when I finished a fight he was right behind me AND THE GAME AUTOMATICALLY STARTED A FIGHT WITH HIM.

I know it's all coincidence and RNG but also it's driving me to the point of insanity. Like. This has happened for a year somehow?? All this RNG??? I'm unironically kind of creeped out every time I go on the Daffodil Gardens streets and make an effort to find districts where Bellringer is NOT on the street I need, and like 70% of the time I leave the building/finish the fight and he's gone and plopped himself down on the street anyways.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Combat Styles

Well, I've now officially met Emmrich. And Manfred. And I've discovered that I'm way better at some of the bits of combat than I thought I was going to be - at least on Storyteller mode.

Look, I've been largely trying to keep to the back and nuke things from afar. I figured that was my best bet when it came to stuff like ... dodging. But then there I was with foes I knew damn well were weak to fire and my fire staff wasn't up to much so I went dagger and orb. Apparently it's a lot harder for foes to throw anything ranged at you when you're charging right up in their face with a big fuck-off knife and a ball of fire. I've even done takedowns. More than five of them, if the achievement I got not too long ago is any indication. And yeah, I kind of yeeted a demon off a cliff and he died, so that achievement too. I didn't think I'd get anywhere near combat achievements, and didn't care so long as I was enjoying the story. Now I'm ... okay, not insanely good, but given my condition, a lot better than I expected to be.

.........Still hurts like a bitch, mind. But it's in a good cause. Plus it means I might be able to play rogue after all!

Honestly, for all of everything, this one's a good hyperfocus game. I couldn't do that level of hyperfocus on most of the other games. Probably Origins I could, but DA2 was a little too self-contained and Inquisition was too sprawling. This one, there's always the "Ooh, hey, one more quest!" factor, and it's a good way to be! Though I guess probably not so much when you should have been in bed hours ago. But I have this week off; it's fine. Plus while I did get to sleep very late last night, I also slept in a lot, which I reckon I need right now because I have been desperately underslept lately. I can re-establish my sleeping patterns later in the week if I need to. The important thing, I think, is that I actually am having fun, and getting rest, and if anything can drive away the pain for awhile, it's worth a little extra ache later. I mean, it's never going to go away entirely, after all. The last thing I need is constant pain and the depression that comes with never having any fun.

So I went through the Necropolis and did a whole bunch of quests to help the survivors in Dock Town, plus this whole thing where I have to hunt demons in order to be able to kill this one big demon in the Necropolis and it's a thing. Plus there's that second big-ass thing in the Crossroads that I should probably eradicate at some point. Honestly, I think I timed this pretty well - I got the game and got into the game just at the point where I have enough time off to appreciate it. And, probably because I read so many spoilers and so many people disliking it, I'm enjoying it way more than I expected to. Maybe it'll disappoint me later, but I know all the places where it might, so maybe it won't be so frustrating. Either way, I'm honestly looking forward to other playthroughs where it's not a practice character I'm running.

[forsakenwitchery]

Finished Veilguard the other day and I need you to see my Rook. xD idk I tried to create something similar to my face, but then it hit me I had Tallis on my hands. 😂

In case someone's interested in my thoughts (no spoilers): it was kind of a mixed bag experience for me. I couldn't agree more with the sentiment that the game's too sanitized, but I did have some fun with it and I did grow to like the companions after all. ALSO MANFRED NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS! And Lucanis reminds me of Gale so much, guess that's my new type. xD Men cooking is the hottest trait ever, legit a dealbreaker no griffon or sentient skeleton can beat.

More rambling under the cut & adding all the critical tags I could think of.

I do think they sort of shot themselves in the foot by calling it Dragon Age, because I kept thinking it reminds me of Guardians of the Galaxy A LOT which was a good & imho underrated game!!! but it's not the best comparison for a DA game. I didn't like Bellara at first, but then it hit me she reminds me of Mantis. SO. MUCH. And I loved Mantis! So Bellara just felt so out of place in DA. I have a lot of thoughts, yet my main takeaway is that it should have been a new IP. Literally had it been called anything else 70% of my beef with this game wouldn't exist, and I think it's true for most people who are critical about it. Like, I played as a Crow, and literally all the Crows in the game are good(TM). My Rook told Harding she did some bad things, but nothing too bad! Literally no Crow in this game is willing to kill anyone. The banter about Grey Warden contracts... Was wild. What's the point of even having assassins who are so uwu goody two-shoes. :( Legit had they made a game in the vein of DA, but not DA, with new not preestablished factions, I wouldn't have this critique. And you can't say or do anything too bad in this game which is wild for DA. I think I was only allowed to be mean about Solas, but even tho I always chose the dialogs akin to 'he can go F himself', the game kept telling me 'he's just a poor sad little meow meow' by legit every character around me. WHICH GIVEN THE FINAL TWIST OF WHAT HE DID. FUCKING FUCK. There are not nearly enough mean things this game lets you say about him, and it's mind-blowing why half the characters would toot his horn so much. Sorry, I hate Solas' guts, I didn't think it was possible to hate him even more, but holy shit was I not prepared...

But like, had it been a new IP, my only critique would be all the handholding, especially the constant 'pointing out the obvious' at the start of the game. The first hours were driving me insane with it. Like guys, I'm not stupid, I don't need to be told the same thing 3 or 4 times. Or how to proceed in a linear location if I stop for one second. Yeah, it gets better with the obvious part, but not with repeating the same info, which made me wonder what age were they targeting with it. Because I don't think kids like to be talked down to, either.

BUT I expected way worse. It was overall not a bad game. Not a super great 10/10 one, but it had its moments. For me, it was a solid 6/10, maybe even a 7 in some parts. idk why, but I especially loved Evka and Antoine. And the cooking party banters. Super pretty, too, once I got used to the style.

Oh, and I also called my Rook Anthea, and since the Crows had a character called Teia, I got an added bonus of Lucanis actually saying that name a few times. xD

[horsetailcurlers2]

watching grey’s anatomy for the first time after only watching private practice: another long and obnoxious stream of my thoughts while watching (season TEN, bc i’m gonna keep doing these until someone tells me to stop)

-i guess we’re all just getting electrocuted now

-okay i never really got the mcdreamy thing to be honest but watching that man juggle…. yeah i get it

-changed my mind again he’s a stupid idiot

-cristina was really harsh but i think meredith is very much misunderstanding her point

-super random but is it weird that i kind of hate derek and meredith’s house? don’t get me wrong it’s objectively very nice but the vibes upset me. too many windows

-i adore halloween episodes. this is so fun. the musical score is insane.

-lots and lots of guest actors on this show have also been in mad men. maybe i’ll make a spreadsheet.

-a fork!!!!

-i like the OCD storyline it seems like they’re trying to do with bailey. at least so far. it’s the most interesting storyline she’s had in a while.

-arizona is kind of treating that resident girl horribly imo

-okay now meredith is just being purposefully obstinate with this whole christina situation

-so i guess we’re all just mouth kissing residents on the mouth now, huh?

-oh no i sense murphy might start to go a little off the rails

-there’s too much happening all at once! first of all, idk that i buy the chemistry between april and jackson enough for all the hoopla to make sense. second of all, i thought murphy would’ve been the one to go off the deep end. i totally should’ve foreseen ross having a breakdown. they’ve been sprinkling seeds. third of all, regarding obama just calling up derek…… okay i guess.

-NOW human resources chooses to actually involve themselves in this tomfoolery??

-the way that everyone in this show treats getting married like it’s just a fun thing to do on the weekend is driving me nuts. bc duh, jackson and april!!!!! duh you should have talked about how you want to raise your kids before you jumped into this!!

-“it’s not as if i’m insensitive to deaf culture or anything. i just think [something that is completely insensitive to deaf culture]”- jackson avery

-amelia!!! (side note i never noticed this but the shepherd sibling casting is so good. they have like the exact same eyes)

-BURKE?????

-i forgot how much this man pisses me off bc he’s comparatively much better than owen

-this scene is so interesting and part of me really wants cristina to take burke’s offer but i’m so distracted by the slow dad rock cover of “like a virgin” that they’re playing in the background. wild choice

-i will miss yang terribly but i think this is the right choice for her character

-“don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. he is very dreamy but he is not the sun. you are.” !!!!!!!!!!!! sobbing

[the-boy-meets-evil]

tell me how it got this way (ch.1)

pairing: jungkook x f.reader, hoseok x f.reader genre: fwb to lovers/friends to lovers, love triangle | non-idol!au, angst, smut, est. relationships rating: 18+, minors dni (for the finished fic) warnings: swearing, mentions of heavy drinking, mentions of hook-ups, hobi is kind of a dick, explicit smut in later chapters (will update when that comes up), yoongi is a snarky friend, jungkook is a fwb, i think that's it for now word count: ~6.2k (1st chapter) summary: once upon a time, hoseok was your best friend, until The Fight. now it's been 5 years and you're a successful writer with some supportive friends, a steady not-boyfriend, and an editor you love. but your past friendship isn't content to stay there. a/n: i started writing this way too long ago, had kind of given it up because it got Too Long for a onrshot. then picked it back up for a series of chapters, i hope you enjoy. i'm sorry about hobi in chapter 1 but i promise it gets better if you stick it out. thank you to @playmetheclassics for being a wonderful beta reader and to @ugh-yoongi & @hot-soop for always putting up with my bullshit (aka early versions of this). masterlist | next

Your phone beeps, letting you know a message has come in, but you know you’ve only got another couple minutes of focus, and you’re determined to get all your thoughts onto the page before the caffeine buzz wears off. It’s a bad habit, worrying more about getting the words onto the paper than how they actually come out, but you know at this point there’s really no hope you’ll change. Besides, as you tell your editor, isn’t it always better to have to polish something up than to have lost an idea entirely? He distinctly mumbled something about needing to find a field with more structure and left you alone, at least that time. At the end of the day, he isn’t going anywhere, and, really, you don’t want him to. Finding the right editor had been a long enough process as it was. There was no way you were going through that again. 

As your fingers fly across the keyboard, desperately trying to keep up with your too-active imagination, your phone beeps again. It’s hard to tell if it’s a reminder for the message or if another message has come in. It doesn’t really matter. You aren’t going to look right now. There had been a whole chapter missing right in the middle of your latest work, and it was driving both you and Namjoon insane, for very different reasons. It wasn’t for lack of trying, it just wasn’t happening, and Namjoon wasn’t having it. But if you’ve told him once, you’ve told him hundreds of times. If he wants something forced, it isn’t going to sell the same as if he just gets off your ass for a second and lets you work. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know that this is why the two of you work. He’s organized, structured, and likes deadlines, while also being able to keep the peace with nearly anyone. You, on the other hand, are not organized, don’t do well with structure, and feel like deadlines are the death to artistic creativity. Yes, as much as you hate to admit it, you need Namjoon. 

Your thoughts are now drifting more than usual, and you figure it’s time to call it quits, at least for the moment. It’s getting late, and you know that you shouldn’t drink another cup of coffee to stay up until the early hours of the morning writing. But inspiration keeps flowing, and although you will never tell him, Namjoon is right. There’s a deadline coming up, meaning there needs to be a solid middle to the book tying everything together. You stretch your arms over your head and tilt your head to either side, trying to uncoil the tension in your body that always comes from sitting still for too long. It’s like this every time, and you make a mental note to schedule yourself a massage. 

Almost as if it senses you want a break, your phone beeps again, and you guess it had been more than just a single message that came through. Namjoon is always giving you a hard time about not silencing your phone when you write. In your defense, the one time you had, he had actually needed to reach you urgently and nearly had a panic attack that you didn’t answer. Sometimes there was no winning. 

You reach out to pick up your phone and tap on the screen to at least see who is trying to get hold of you so that you can decide if you want to answer first or get another cup of coffee and something to eat. All thoughts disappear when you see the screen. Three messages all from one person, someone you have actively tried not to think about in years, someone who hurt you far deeper than any ex could have.

Without thinking, you slide your finger up the screen to unlock it and go straight into the conversation, which is empty apart from these three messages. That’s very unlike you. Usually, you keep every conversation, never delete any messages. But this had been wiped clean after the last time you spoke 5 years earlier.

Hoseok: hey, it’s been a while … Hoseok: I hope you haven’t deleted my number Hoseok: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I was hoping we could meet up, you know, two old friends.

At that moment, your brain jolts your body back into action, and you’re mad, maybe unreasonably mad, but you’re seething. How dare he? After all this time? After everything that was said? How fucking dare he act like the reason you hadn’t spoken all these years had been something mutual rather than something that was entirely on him. No, you hated Jung Hoseok. Hate him more than anyone you’d ever known. Hate him more than the ex that cheated on you with some fucking yoga instructor. Hate him more than your ex, who had decided you weren’t “marriage” material, whatever the fuck that meant. This is different. It had struck you so deeply and changed the entire way you saw everything, the way you interacted with everyone.

When you and Namjoon started working together, he had commented that it felt like you were an entirely different person than whoever had written the pages in front of him. That person was vibrant and funny, and open. You seemed closed off, even cynical, despite being so young. You had shrugged it off, and he hadn’t pressed, likely because he appreciated the talent in the work he was reading. This was the reason, though. Jung Hoseok. It’s been 5 years of carefully putting it in a box and tucking it away. And they’re good boxes you used, very sturdy. It’s been such a long time since he crossed your mind that you thought you were over it all, all the pain, hurt, and betrayal.

You have to fight the urge to throw your phone across the room, knowing that the lecture you’d get when you tell Namjoon you need a new one isn’t worth it. You want to scream, but it’s nearly midnight, and you have neighbors that would likely hear. Not that you care, exactly, but the last thing you want to do is explain to them that someone you’d known years ago randomly popped back into your life like it was nothing and you can’t cope with it. So you keep running down the list of options for how to react to this and wish you knew how to handle something like a normal, well-adjusted adult. You can’t stop your brain from running down yet another list, about a mile a minute, of every possible reason why he’s reaching out now. Why is he thinking of you? What does he want? That’s the reality, after all this time, it isn’t just to catch up. He must want something and think he’ll be able to get it from you. 

It’s impossible to tell if you’re angry at him, yourself, or both. You’re stronger than this. You’re a legitimate author now, and you weather comments from the critics like they’re nothing. That had been the biggest surprise to Namjoon. Your first book hit the shelves, and the reviews were mostly positive, with a lot of raves thrown in there. When you asked to see the negative ones, he hesitated before ultimately relenting. You laughed and shrugged, handing the tablet back with a line about how you couldn’t ever please everyone. His reaction is still imprinted on your mind. So no, you might be mad at him for reaching out, but you are definitely more mad at yourself for the reaction. What does he want?

Then another thought hits you. Oh god, what if he's getting married? Your stomach drops at the thought of being forced to sit through him marrying that woman. You can’t even force yourself to call her a bitch in your head, even though she deserves it. And even though you want to blame her for losing him, you also know that as awful as she was, it had been his decision. But that isn’t comforting. That means that the pain is all rushing back to the surface like he holds all the power still, just like he did back then. And even though you have no idea what he wants, your brain latches onto him getting married. And if he invites you, you can’t say no. The rational part of you knows that you’re busy now and have every reason to turn down something like that. You aren’t friends anymore, haven’t talked in over 5 years, and it’s perfectly rational to turn down an invitation. The louder part screams that he would somehow know it’s still affecting you if you don’t show up, which means you have to go.

You’re not quite sure how you got there, but you’re sitting on the floor of your kitchen, the cool tile making contact with your bare legs, stretched out in front of you, back against the cabinet. At least you’re not curled up in the fetal position, you think. It could be worse. The reality of how affected you still are sinks in, and you just feel paralyzed. Paralyzed that you reacted that way, paralyzed by the fact that you’re not over it like you thought you were, paralyzed at the overwhelming feeling of aloneness that washed over you just at seeing his name. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Five years earlier

Things have been a little different since you both graduated from college, which you knew they would be, but you still have your best friend, and honestly, you feel like you could take on anything knowing he’s there by your side. Through four years of college, you’ve been through highs and lows, accomplishments and failures, exciting opportunities and near misses. What was more, Hoseok’s family had become almost like your own, which was so comforting. So yeah, things had been busier, but that was okay.

The only slight issue that the two of you had run into was Hoseok’s new girlfriend. It was a weird sentence to say. Usually, he dated someone for a couple of months and got bored, or they went crazy on him, or the schedules were too tough, and it just fizzled out. Through it all, nothing had changed between you and him. And why should it? Okay, yes, you’d slept together that one time when you were super drunk the summer between your first and second years. But, you’d just gone through a breakup and he had something on his mind you couldn’t remember. You’d laughed in the morning and agreed never again and that you’d never tell anyone. There was so much love in the friendship that you thought you could weather anything. 

She was making it different, though and you were trying really hard not to dwell on it. Tried not to worry that you might be seeing a bit less of Hoseok, that things weren’t as carefree as they had been. Now you had to make plans to see him. Even though he’d still drop in on you at your apartment unannounced, as you’d always done, you couldn’t do that anymore. You were thankful that she was away for the weekend with her parents, though. Hoseok had commented that it was convenient timing since he had to pack up his apartment that weekend to get ready to move into their new shared space (still ugh, but you were dealing with it). Of course, you immediately let him know you were available and happy to help. Did you love packing and cleaning? Not even in the slightest. Your own apartment was untidy most of the time. It was nice to get time with your best friend, though.

The morning had gone easily. You showed up with coffee and breakfast and earned a grateful smile for having thought about it. There was not as much packing as there was reminiscing about making it through college together. At the moment, everything seemed fine to you, but later, you’d look back and realize it was all wrong. You were talking about college as if it were a phase in the past, something to look back on, not something that moved forward. 

As the morning turned to afternoon and you were actually getting things boxed up, you figured it was a good idea to spring the surprise you had planned on him. At the last minute, you’d manage to score tickets to one of your favorite bands. They were playing in a small venue with only a few hundred people, and the only way in was to win. Well, you had gotten around that. A guy you had slept with a few times throughout the last year of school interned at the radio station and had offered you two tickets as an excuse to see you again, which you’d gladly taken and tried not to feel too bad at the way his face fell. He would be there anyway, though, even without the ticket.

“Soooooo,” you’d said, drawing it out to pull Hoseok’s eyes to you. He looked up, curious at the tone of your voice. “Do you remember that concert we were dying to get into?”

“Yes,” Hoseok said, eyeing you suspiciously.

“Well, I forgot that idiot I was sleeping with like on and off all year worked for the radio station,” you said with a flip of your hair. You were expecting him to be beyond excited and maybe a little bit proud as you pulled the tickets out of your back pocket. “Sorry, but packing is gonna need to take a break. We’re going!”

That was your first indication, at least at the moment, that something was wrong. Instead of jumping around like idiots, the way you would any other time you were getting to go see live music, he was standing rooted to the spot and just looking at you. Music was legitimately one of your favorite things. What the hell was happening?

“Uh, Earth to Hobi,” you said. “Did you hear me?”

Hoseok was still quiet, looking down at his feet and rubbing the back of his neck. It was seriously starting to worry you as you watched him. The smile that turned his face into a heart was nowhere to be found. You hadn’t exactly expected him to be eternally grateful (okay, maybe you had), but where was the smile?

“Look, I really appreciate it, but I don’t think I should go,” he finally said, and you physically flinched as you took a step back.

“It’s just a concert, Hobi. We do this all the time,” you reasoned.

He rubbed the back of his neck again like this was uncomfortable, like he was explaining something you should already know. “I just don’t know that we should be going to concerts anymore, you know since I’m dating Gen now.”

“I’m not really sure what one has to do with the other,” you admit.

“It looks kinda bad, doesn’t it? Having a girlfriend and going out with other girls?” He was still not meeting your eyes, and it took a lot of effort for you to not snort.

“We’re not going out. We’re friends, hanging out. It’s no different than you hanging out with Jongin or one of the other guys,” you said, still unable to fully process his words' meaning.

“It is, though, isn’t it? I haven’t slept with Jongin,” Hoseok said quietly, and your eyes went wide.

“It was one time years ago, and we both agreed not to bring it up again. So I don’t see the problem...unless,” you trailed off as realization dawned on you. “Please tell me you didn’t tell Gen that we’ve slept together.”

“I did. I had to,” Hoseok said, not seeming to grasp what he had done.

“What the fuck? No, you didn’t have to? We agreed, and you just blindside me, saying ‘oh yeah, by the way, I told my girlfriend we’ve fucked.’ Like, are you kidding me?” You were at a complete loss for words. What was going through that empty head of his?

“I had to tell her! I told you, it’s different with her,” he began.

“I can see that,” you cut across him.

���I love her. I can’t keep secrets from her,” Hoseok said. 

“It isn’t a secret, Hobi. It’s something to protect our friendship,” you said. “It happened once, almost 3 years ago, and it didn’t mean anything.”

“Well, she thinks that maybe it’s a bad idea for you and me to stay friends with what’s happened. And she’s right. I guess it’s not normal for us to be as close as we are, you always coming to my family functions, us going out to dinner, to concerts. It’s all very couple-y,” Hoseok said, and you felt like you had been slapped in the face.

“Or, it’s things friends do,” you responded, dumbfounded.

“I don’t know,” Hoseok said and looked like he’d rather be anywhere else. Maybe you would have been too. “Gen thinks it’s weird that we’re so close. She thinks that she should be my best friend and I shouldn’t be closer to another girl than her…”

“Oh, well, if Gen said, then it must be true,” you had scoffed, more annoyed than hurt, just for a moment.

“Don’t be like that. She’s right! Our friendship is weird. It never really made any sense anyway. And now I’ve got Gen, and we’re both going down different paths. Maybe it was just one of those things that we’re only friends in college.”

And you were back to hurt, back to a pain you had never expected to feel, not from him, not from the one person in your life who had never let you down. He was the one person who was always there, and you recoiled.

“Excuse me?” It was all you could ask. Surely you had misheard him.

“Well, it’s kind of weird, isn’t it? You showed up to college thousands of miles away from home, not really close to any of your friends or family from back home and just kind of clung to me and my family and my friends,” he said as if it were nothing.

And there it was, the pain that you had been fighting since showing up on campus nearly four years earlier, thrown back in your face by the very last person who had ever expected to do something like this. He fucking knew what you had gone through just before college, knew why you didn’t speak to any of the family you had left, and knew why it had been hard to really bring friendships with you from high school to college. That fucking asshole knew why you had wanted to start over, and he stood there like it was nothing. Like he hadn’t just said the most painful thing.

“Fuck you, Hoseok,” you said through gritted teeth as you fought harder than you ever had to keep from crying.

“You wish you could, I know, and so does Gen. She can see it on your face when you look at me that you love me,” Hoseok said, and your face contorted.

“Of course, I fucking loved you, you fucking idiot. But not like that. Not in a way that your precious fucking Gen should’ve worried about. I loved you like family, like the closest friend I ever had, the one person in my life who knew all my scars and still accepted me,” you shouted at him.

“Did you ever think that maybe that was too much to handle at 18? Did you ever think maybe I didn’t want all that thrown at me?” Hoseok shouted back at her.

“God, you say that like I had a choice of going through it. Do you think it’s what I wanted? But how the fuck was I supposed to know? You were kind and caring,” you responded. “I thought we were friends. I always had your back.”

“Yeah, and that’s exactly why Gen and I both think you’ve been secretly in love with me all along,” Hoseok retorted, and you gave something between a snort and a derisive laugh.

“Let’s not forget, that night we fucked, I was drunk off my ass, but I know you told Jongin you’d barely had anything to drink, so be careful throwing around accusations of secret crushes,” you shouted. 

“No, I hadn’t had that much, but you practically threw yourself at me. What was I supposed to do?” Hoseok asked, and you let out an almost manic laugh.

“Yes, absolutely fuck me. That was clearly the only option. I’m so sorry it was such a burden on you, all these years being friends with me,” you respond, beyond tears at that point and running on pure adrenaline.

“I didn’t say….” Hoseok began, but you were over it.

“No, that’s right, your precious Gen said. Gen, who’s a fucking bitch to literally everyone she meets. Gen, who treats servers like trash and everyone like they’re beneath her. Gen, who you’ve been dating a couple of months when we’ve been inseparable for four fucking years, Hoseok,” you reminded him.

“I knew you didn’t like her.” Of course, he would latch onto that.

“No, I don’t fucking like her. I never made that a secret. She’s a bitch, but I told you that I supported you being happy because that’s what friends do.”

“Friends don’t hate the person their friend is dating….”

“Don’t you fucking talk about this stupid crush you and her have dreamt up,” you said, your tone threatening. “You know what, why don’t you grow a set of fucking balls and think for yourself. If it’s too much to be my friend and to have my back, then just man the fuck up and tell me. Don’t hide behind your girlfriend like a coward.”

“I’m not a coward!”

“Hoseok wasn’t a coward, but I don’t know who this is standing in front of me.”

“Maybe she’s right and you’re just jealous that I’ve managed to find a stable relationship.” 

That felt like a slap across your face and it must have shown. Hell, you were surprised later that you didn’t have a red mark on your cheek. Because, again, he knew all your shit, why you couldn’t handle letting someone in like that, and how hard it had been to let him see every part of you. It was college. No guy you dated wanted to wade in that deep. That had been what made Hoseok so special as a friend. He could see right away that you were almost irreparably broken and didn’t care. No matter what, he was there. 

“What?” Your voice was small then, and you hated it. 

“It was all fine when I wasn’t ever serious about anyone, but now I’m serious about Gen, and you’ve just got your series of hookups and one-night stands and the guy who you managed to get those tickets off of, which who even knows what you said to him,” Hoseok said, and you knew that you were seconds from crying. That was the last thing you wanted him to see, but he went on. 

“When we were both just fucking around and doing whatever, it was fine. Now I’ve got Gen, and you know you’ll be the third wheel, left out. And you hate it. Because you can’t ever keep a guy around for more than a few months.”

You couldn’t take any of it anymore, could not stand looking at him for one more second. You didn’t want to remember the way his face which normally had his heart-shaped smile contorted looking at you. You didn’t want to remember the things he said. You didn’t want to admit that you were just as alone now as when you were 18 years old. It was worse this time, though. Someone had actually shown you what true friendship was, how a family was supposed to support you, and what it was like to be loved by people who didn’t want anything in return apart from your own happiness. It had scared you how easily you fell into step with Hoseok, and the decision to trust him flew in the face of everything you thought. And now it seemed that 18-year-old you had been right. To trust someone was asking to be hurt.

The rest of the day and even the weeks that followed were mostly a haze. You had gone to that concert alone, even though you knew that you had friends you could ask. Everyone would have asked where Hoseok was and why he didn’t want the ticket, though, and that was absolutely not a conversation you wanted to have. So you went alone, and you vaguely remembered whatshisname being happy that you had shown up alone after all. Your body moved in time with the music, you drank way too much, and you woke up the next morning in an unfamiliar, yet familiar, apartment. Thankfully whatshisname was still asleep, and you could sneak out, only stopping to take in the horror of the posters on the walls.

Drinking was definitely the order of the day in the weeks that followed. It started with glasses of wine before moving on to mixed drinks and landing on straight whiskey. Nobody had seen you in person in weeks. You had your groceries delivered for when you felt like cooking, which was not often, honestly, and ordered in when you didn’t. Really, though, it was fitting. You wanted to be a successful writer, and could you really say you were without a drinking problem, being a recluse, or both?

*******************************************

The present version of you is still sitting on the kitchen floor, now with your legs pulled tight against your chest and arms wrapped around them. Years. It’s been years since you’ve been in this much pain. You had been absolutely positive that you weren’t broken like that anymore. It was all fine for a twenty-two-year-old recent grad to lose her shit over someone that she used to know. It is not fine for a twenty-seven-year-old successful writer to completely fall apart over the ghosts of her past that didn’t want to stay in those not-so-sturdy boxes they had been packed into.

Almost like a reflex, you reach for your phone and start digging through the folders in your photos. You had buried them in folders inside of folders inside of folders, layers deep, so it’s too much effort to stumble across them without wanting to. Still there waiting when you want to see them or feel compelled to look back to remind yourself that you aren’t crazy and you had been as important to him as he had been to you. 

The progression from awkward college freshmen to confident seniors who actually knew what they were doing is painful in more ways than one. You try to focus on the clothes and the hairstyles, the bad make-up choices, the stupid faces that you thought were cute. God, what was 2012 you thinking, really? All too much blush, no contouring, sheepskin denim jackets, and jean shorts basically up your ass.

That’s just your mind trying to distract you, and it isn’t working well, or at all, really. There are hundreds and hundreds of pictures of you with Hoseok, always happy, always smiling, sometimes doing stupid shit, sometimes at concerts, sometimes on vacations with his family. The loss of his sister and his parents stung almost as much as the loss of him, especially with how often you went shopping with his sister. He would always act put out by it when he came along, but he ended up buying more than either of you...combined. And you would always just be able to call up his mother if you needed a parent’s advice, something warm and comforting. The happy memories make your heart hurt more, and you close the phone forcefully. 

Your heart constricts, your chest feels tight, and you just want to scream again. You feel fucking pathetic that a few words from someone unravel you this way. You’re stronger than this. You’ve developed healthy relationships since then, despite the mess he left without a care. You know you’re in your head, and you’re your own worst enemy. So you force yourself up off the ground, phone in hand, and finger hovering over the dial button to Namjoon. Then, thankfully, you check the time and see it’s now nearly one in the morning. 

Fuck, you have a meeting with him in the morning. No, you can’t call him. Not only because he’ll kill you for calling so late but because he can’t know you were this much of a mess this late at night without the finished chapter. Well fuck it, you think, better call the only person you trust and who’s always up at this time.

“You do know how late it is, right?” There’s no hello, no asking how you are, just the typical short, couldn’t-be-bothered attitude, same as always.

“Please, like you know how to go to bed before 4 am,” you respond, almost managing to sound like your normal self. 

“I do when Jimin is here,” Yoongi retorts.

“Which he’s not,” you answer quickly. Bickering with Yoongi makes you feel normal, and there’s something oddly comforting about it.

“How do you know?” The challenge in his voice is clear, but it just eases your anxiety further, and you huff.

“Jimin texted me that he was worried about your sleep schedule or you actually eating,” you begin, stopping when Yoongi scoffs.

“Because you’re so much better about that than I am,” is all he says.

“That’s what I tried to tell him, babe. We’re both hopeless,” you say and actually get a laugh out of that one from your friend.

This is what you love most about your friendship with Yoongi. He absolutely knows that something is wrong and is still just as happy to let you ramble to him about whatever you want to chat about. He’s not big on feelings, talking about them or hearing about them. He cares enough to distract you, though.

You ask about his upcoming showcase and how many pieces he still wants to finish before then. Really, you did this more because of the reaction and to have him tell you, for the millionth time, that art isn’t planned or outlined. It was just created when he feels something. That was the difference, he said, between his work and yours. He waited until he had enough pieces to take up part of a showcase and then went from there.

Somehow, you still end up crying on the phone about your former best friend. And while Yoongi likes to pretend he doesn’t have time for emotions like this, you know it’s a lie.  That had also been before Jimin, though, and before he was, quietly, happy and in love. The exterior is still prickly. Yoongi does not like to make time for everyone. The interior has softened enough that he lets you cry into the phone without being cruel or cold about it. He knows about Hoseok because you’d drunkenly talked about him before. This is different. Yoongi has never heard about him like this while you were sober, which should have made you uncomfortable.

All you think is that it’s nice just to say the things you have been holding in for so long to someone who genuinely cares about you, even when he has a weird way of showing it. On some level, you had spent the last five years feeling like you were unworthy of that kind of love, weren’t worthy of having someone see every part of you, and still want to stick around. Break-ups were hard. This was infinitely harder. With break-ups, maybe you aren’t right for each other, maybe there was no spark, maybe you have different values, or maybe you want different things. People break up all the time. But friends are supposed to be people that see all of that, know your values, your motivations, your quirks, and agree to be there no matter what. That was different when someone told you that they didn’t want to be your friend anymore. How do you keep from that cutting to your very core? What was more, it had seeped into every relationship that you had since then. You purposely date guys who either you don’t get too attached to or who you know will ultimately not want commitment and so they’re safe. And, honestly, it was why you had initially been drawn to Yoongi. Everything about him seemed like he’d never get deep with you, and so he was the perfect choice for a friend. When that hadn’t turned out to be the case, you’d been secretly thankful because he was a great person to have in your life.

In an actual surprise, Yoongi has advice on handling it, which you aren’t expecting. At most, you figure he’ll listen to you before the two of you move on to something. And he doesn’t give advice, so you’ll move on to something else. It’s actual advice, thought out as if he had been thinking about this for far longer than you had been crying to him. It’s wrong to underestimate him. Yoongi is a great friend and always there in the middle of the night when you need someone, both of your sleep schedules are beyond fucked. 

“I think you need to see him again,” Yoongi says after a thoughtful pause.

“Wh-what?” You stammer the question out.

“You do. You’re never really going to be able to put it behind you and move on without giving him a piece of your mind,” Yoongi says, and you chew your bottom lip.

“I guess that makes some sense,” you concede.

“Maybe you can figure out a way to unexpectedly run into him on purpose.”

“And you’re back to not making any sense.”

“Course I make sense,” Yoongi says easily. “Like if he’s in the area, just bump into him, that way, when you look all put together, it’s less like you were preparing.”

“I don’t hate it,” you admit.

“You could bring your flavor of the week with you. Make him jealous.” You hear the smirk in Yoongi’s voice and visualize that glint he gets in his eyes. It only makes you roll your own.

“Okay, first, he’s not a flavor of the week, and second, I’m not bringing Jungkook,” you say dramatically, and it sounds like Yoongi chokes on the other end.

“Jungkook? You’re still fucking him?”

Your eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Yeah, why?”

“Hasn’t it been a couple of months?” 

Ah, you see where Yoongi is going. “Yeah, but Kookie isn’t annoying. He doesn’t bug me about not having enough time or making plans or any of that. Plus, the sex is good, like really good.”

“Huh,” is all Yoongi says.

“Besides, I'm not trying to make Hoseok jealous because I’ve got some hot guy hanging around. We were friends.” You feel this is the millionth time you’ve emphasized this point.

“Just think about it,” Yoongi says.

“Of course, I’ll think about it,” you respond, and mean it. Yoongi doesn’t give advice like this often. “He is pretty, though, don’t you think, Yoongi?”

“Who? Hoseok?” Yoongi asks, sounding distracted.

You audibly sigh. “Jungkook.”

“I guess so. Jimin definitely thinks he’s attractive,” Yoongi says simply like it’s nothing. 

“Oh fuck,” you say suddenly, looking around for the clock.

“What?” Yoongi asks, an actual alarm in his voice.

“What time is it?” This earns another scoff from Yoongi.

“The fuck do think I am? A clock?” 

“Fuck, it’s late. I’ve got breakfast with Namjoon in the morning to talk about my book,” you say and start to pull yourself off the kitchen floor.

“He’s going to kill you,” Yoongi says, with a noticeable hint of enjoyment in his voice.

“No, he’s not,” you respond immediately.

“Have you finished the chapter?” Yoongi asks, and you swallow hard, not trusting yourself to answer. You earn a barked-out laugh in response. “Yeah, he’s gonna fucking kill you. Good luck, nice knowing you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you say, trying to hide that you were actually nervous. “I’ll text you tomorrow.”

“Sounds good,” Yoongi says.

You hang up and immediately strip to get into clothes for bed. Your mind is occupied with thoughts of Yoongi’s showcase, which you still have to find a dress for, and how Namjoon is going to react when you have not, in fact, finished the rough copy as you promised. Hoseok isn’t on your mind any longer, and you are happy to be able to drift off quickly.

please let me know your thoughts ❤️❤️

[kitkatnerds3]

BSD S5 EP 9

I have not finished the episode yet but I've just gotten to the Fukufuku backstory (specifically the part where they just met and its night and they're lying on the floor together) and, these two are fucking dark timeline Renga from sk8! 'The way of the sword is enjoyable!' and 'I'm going to master the sword alongside you' vs 'skating is fun!' and 'I want to skate with you infinitely' I swear Fukuchi even did the same hand movement that Reki did at some point. Energetic sunshine (at least at the moment) x calm and collected. I am getting such strong Renga vibes from that scene and it's driving me insane.

OK I JUST WATCHED TWO (2) SECONDS FURTHER AND NOW WE'RE IN A FUCKING SHOJO ANIME! BONES LOVES OLD MAN YAOI SO MUCH! THIS IS SO GAY! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CHERRY BLOSSOMS!!? A CHERRY BLOSSOM PETAL IN THE SHAPE OF A HEART JUST FELL INTO FUKUZAWAS SAKE(?) AND THEN BROKE INTO TWO. THEY'RE NOT EVEN BEING SUBTLE WITH THE 'THIS (ROMANTIC) RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT TO GO O SHIT' -NESS

DONT DO SYMBOLISM WITH THE FUCKING BIRDS YOU DUMB SHOW! I SEE WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING DOING! For context, they were having a conversation but the focus was on these two egrets? herons? anyways, and then one of them just flew off when Fukuchi said that he was gonna be promoted and sent to the battlefield , which is what separated these two. I'm going to die, I'm not entirely sure why but I am. /pos

Fuck it, I'm committing to the live blog. enjoy seeing my live uncut reactions folks!

The animation is so pretty bro, bones adores their old man yaoi.

Ok, old man yaoi backstory is over , and before I move on to the next thing I just wanna say, young Fukuzawa was so fucking cute! He was an old man even when he was a baby! he was adorable! and honestly so was Fukuchi! I'm very sad that he became the way he is now, war really does stuff to people, huh?

Ok I'm a little bit confused, I didn't realize that he had told that United Nations guy the half-truth. But whatever, that's on me I guess.

OK! JESUS FUCK THE MORE I HERE ABOUT THE WAR THE WORSE IT GETS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SOLDIERS HAD TO EAT EACHOTHER AND WERE SHOT FOR TRYING TO DESERT! MAYBE I SHOUD HAVE EXPECTED THAT IT IS WAR BUT JESUS CHRIST!

God, Fukufuku are so gay. I know that stabbing someone isn't exactly romantic but he Fukuzawa did the thing where you grab onto the other persons clothes and after Fukuchi stabbed him his head ended up resting on his chest. This is PEAK romantic tradgedy.

Teruko, I love you. She looks so pretty and she is so hecking smart and I just adore her. She let Atsushi go! Woohoo!! Also, Atsushi's hallucinations are really coming in full force, huh? He is seeing so many people.

Dazai and Sigma are so silly, I love them, Dazai stop flirting for two fucking seconds challenge. Also, it's fun to hear that Dazai is screwing around with Sigma while thinking of Kunikida! Truly every ship is being fed this season! Except sskk, but we did get Aku in Atsushi's hallucinations doing a thing so that's kinda a win for the gays!

Wow! What a nice elevator! I'm sure nothing bad will happen here!

Oh catgirl, you left us too soon.

I must say, I don't really have much to say on the Meursault section. It was good! The animation was great as it usually is for the Meursault sections, Sigma was so pretty I love him and! Dazai did the thing where he played with Sigma's hair! Woo! Fyodor was his usual level of kinda ugly in anime form, Dazai is showing emotions! more of the sillies, Dazai fucking stood on Sigma, which is delightful, aaaaaaand it's started to flood! Fuck!

Anyways, back to the very start of this episode before I was overcome by the homosexual-ness of Fukufuku, Aya Bram Kunikida and Tanizaki got yoinked! Fuck! I still have a theory that Tanizaki could be doing an illusion and I will make a post about it one day. And also, please excuse me for saying this because while I am still upset about Ranpo being hurt... watching Fukuchi pick him up by the scruff of his neck like a cat was kinda hilarious. Also, Teruko I love you. You're the only hunting dog that heard about Fukuchi's real identity and didn't immediately die. Girlboss fr. Also also, where are Lucy Kyouka and Yosano :D? W-where did they go? Asagiri please I need to see my girls.

And to once again revisit the old gays, Holy Shit that was so gay. Nobody told me that the Fukufuku backstory was a Sports Anime tm that turned into a war drama in the second season! I knew we said they were divorced but I never realized just how married they were before the separation! Wow! Fukuzawa smiled so softly at Fukuchi! They were such sweet kids! Aagh!

This was a good episode! I liked this! Excited for next Wungo Wednesday!

[thoselethalarts]

𝓝𝔂𝔁 𝓝𝓸𝓬𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓷𝓮 - 𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵 𝓢𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂

(SSR) Birthday Union Jacket (Part 3): “Happy Birthday!”

(Scarabia Dorm: Birthday Party Venue)

Lee: Alright, one last question. Lee: “If you had to enter a different dorm other than your own, which one would you choose?” Lee: …Yeah, this one’s kinda a no-brainer for you too.

Nyx: Wha- Oh c’mon, am I really that predictable?

Lee: Kinda. But also I just know you. You’re gonna pick Ignihyde.

Nyx: …Yeah maybe I was, what of it.

Lee: Hehehe~ Like I said, I know you~ But I’ll give you this one only if you pick a second choice too.

Nyx: Alright, fine, fair enough.

Nyx: Well yeah, of course my first pick is gonna be Ignihyde. The atmosphere is chill, everyone keeps to themselves, it doesn’t get super-mega-hot like it does here in Scarabia… and the WiFi down there is INSANELY fast. Nyx: I’m not some kind of dork programmer, but I’m good with computers so I feel like I’d be right at home. Oh, and me and Idia get along well, too, so that’s a bonus. Nyx: If I had to pick something different other than Ignihyde… That’s just tough.

Lee: Well, what’re your thoughts?

Nyx: My first thought was Diasomnia, since it also has a similar atmosphere so that’s kinda nice… although, I think I’d go insane if I had to deal with your roommates. No offense.

Lee: What’s wrong with my roommates?

Nyx: Sebek. Also Vantablack.

Lee: Okay, yeah that’s fair. They both do get to be a little much sometimes.

Nyx: Savanaclaw’s too hot so that’s a no-go, Heartslabyul’s rules would drive me up the wall, and Pomefiore’s too prissy and also I am NOT spending any more time with Vil than I have to. Nyx: …I guess that means my second pick is Octavinelle.

Lee: Another shocker. Wanna be all close and chummy with your boyfriends~? Maybe share a room together~? Maybe even kiiiiiiiss~?

Nyx: S-Shut up! That’s not on my mind at all! Nyx: Look, like, even if they weren’t there I’m not gonna deny that Octavinelle has style. Their uniforms are a little stuffy, but classy. The atmosphere is great over there too. Nyx: Like, I already like going to Mostro Lounge to study sometimes just because all the windows looking out to the water and seeing the fish outside is just nice. I could get used to living somewhere like that. Nyx: I used to be on a swim team when I was in middle school, and if I wasn’t so ass at it I’d totally be into playing Blitzball competitively. Water just kinda calls to me.

Lee: You’ve got a reason at least for liking it, at least. I’ll give ya points for that.

Nyx: So, that’s it right? We’re done here?

Lee: Almost. You know what time it is~

Nyx: …I was kinda hoping you forgot, honestly.

Lee: Yeah right, like hell I’d forget! I’ve been looking forward to the “Gift of Good Fortune” all day~

Nyx: What, you want to see me looking all soggy and miserable?

Lee: I mean yeah, it’ll be funny.

Nyx: Mean to me. Cruel to me. Want to laugh at my suffering, cruelest brother.

Lee: Ye. Today I’m eeeevil, and I’m gonna get you!

Nyx: He admits it! Cruel to me!! …Just try not to get any in my hair, okay?

Lee: I make absolutely no promises about that. Lee: Haaaappy birthday, Nyx~!

(Nyx gets splattered! by a tinful of cream)

/ End

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

I’ve thought about this as if I was planning it to write a fanfic, but I’m not going to, so I might as well share it here.

I’ve been pretty firm on my “no way they did that shit more than once” regarding Simon and Agatha having sex whenever I talk about it (after all, the books mention it like it’s more of a concept: it’s not “it was always just going through the motions” it’s simply “it was just going through the motions”, it doesn’t ever give you quantity) (arguments of them doing it multiple times make me feel a bit insane – how would that even work with two teens with no attraction at all and with barely any time to be alone together? When time alone together would have taken work?) (Ideas of Simon specifically being the one asking for it while Agatha has to bear it and do it like a favor can’t possibly be rooted in anything the actual books say.) But I guess I can be convinced that they could have tried twice, maybe 3 times at most just to see if things going wrong was just “first-time nerves” and if it would improve... I can envision two scenarios:

Simon's reaction to "Does Wellbelove [appreciate a job well done]?" as if this was a sore spot already makes me suspect "performance issues" ... (also, the way Simon's magic worked implies he can't get worked up, ever – had he wanted or "enjoyed" it in any way, we would have heard about this being a problem in some way, and it would have prevented them from going far anyway because his magic actually hurts Agatha)

1. Who’s to say they could actually get to penetration without issue. Maybe Agatha's discomfort and pain were too much, so it stopped at when they were still attempting it. A following attempt* (attempt at "making it work" – we know it never did) would be about trying to “succeed” at penetration.

2. In any scenario, I don’t think it was pleasurable or good for either party (hence "not working"). Agatha’s wording evokes discomfort and responsibility (perhaps even duty). Before Baz, Simon shows he can only understand pleasure by using food, shows he doesn’t understand the point of sex, and part of why he struggles with it is because he has no experience feeling. Supposing they could fully get to penetration in the first attempt, I don’t think it got to any form of release (if it did, negative orgasms that can result from “going through the motions” don’t feel good; they can even feel painful) (this would also apply to scenario 1, supposing they "succeed" at penetration in a second attempt etc). At any rate, I think it’s likely Simon struggled with keeping an erection (arousal non concordance explains how he could even get it in the first place, despite not being into it; the body responds to touch even if the mind would rather be somewhere else) maybe going flaccid even while inside. This is something that could be brushed off as “just nerves” or as something that can just happen during first times (it can) (not being into it can already result in this, added pressure and stress can make this outcome even more likely) (the last two apply even among heterosexual people who are really into the person they’re with). Either way, a following attempt would add more nerves and pressure after a bad precedent (also pretty effective to kill an erection) so it would be harder to get further or to “improve” the previous attempt. Simon mentioning the UTI when Baz is trying to get away could be an association that goes back to Agatha using it to end “the encounter” and avoid cuddling or whatever afterward (i remember someone noting this too, but to say it stayed with Simon because it happened a lot and to that I say… that kind of shit doesn’t need to happen more than once to stay, especially if it’s happening when they’re attempting something new and it doesn't go well).

The thing with them is that they would not be willing to work through this. They would not have the drive, passion, or motivation. Their relationship wasn’t like that anyway; they were all about brushing it aside, about not wanting to talk about the hard parts. You can see that with Simon’s reaction, whenever Agatha tries to talk about what happened with Baz (nothing happened) (one could argue this is not at all about Agatha wanting to “work through” shit, but perhaps wanting to alleviate potential guilt she might have felt… no, she didn’t cheat, but wasn’t part of her contemplating it when she followed Baz, hoping for a kiss when she was trying to find a spark? Herself?).

You can see through lines like “candle in the wind” how pressure would have led to this, because “everyone else is doing it” and maybe even talking about “how great it is” (and how Simon might have been in a position to consider needing “help” but being uninterested in it – he's not interested in making it work with her, not really...). In “we were together for a long time” as an explanation, meaning it only happened after they have already been together for a long time (otherwise how long they have been together wouldn’t be relevant, if it was happening a couple of months into the relationship for instance). In Agatha indicating, in context, something that could be (besides curiosity) a distraction or a way to delay doing more (counting every mole) (she’s describing physical closeness to Simon in a very unappealing way in this scene) while at the same time, Simon’s reaction is to cover the very thing that's making Agatha remember, to adopt a posture where he’s closing himself off, where he’s “protecting himself”, where he’s indicating he doesn’t want her to see him, all in the context of a clinical setting when Simon is in distress. Also: Simon not wanting to be left alone with her then, etc etc. (There’s more on Simon’s part, but all this already paints quite the picture, perfectly explaining why they would behave like they’ve never done shit. Why Simon thinks and behaves like he has never done this before) (In a lot of ways, he hasn't, but that's another conversation)

[bettsfic]

Ahhh you watch hotd? I would love to hear a little Betts Review™ favorite characters/ships any thoughts like that!!

i like hotd the way i think non-fanpeople interact with media. i enjoy it a lot, i watch it every week, i don't think about it at all when it's not directly in front of me. that's not a bad thing. it's just that hotd is almost too smooth for me to grasp onto. there's a kind of technical acuity to it that i admire a lot but that doesn't engender any feelings beyond being entertained.

if there were maybe an ounce more affection between any two characters i might be inspired to have a ship, but otherwise there's just no love anywhere. like Alicent and Criston would usually be catnip for me, but there's just too much angst, and Criston's internal turmoil of loyalty is just a step to the left of my interests. he has loyalty devoid of devotion, if that makes sense. to me it seems like he only fucks Alicent, he doesn't love her. but i guess that's up to interpretation. if he's ever put in a position where he has to choose between Alicent and his Hand duties, and he chooses Alicent, i'll become way more invested. i need less Hand, more breadcrumbs of femdom/guard dog.

i remember i liked him a lot more last season but i can't remember why. i had a fic idea at some point for an Alicent/Criston modern AU. surely i have notes about it somewhere. but this season hasn't inspired me to revisit that idea.

Aemond is really growing on me, particularly his relationship with uh, that one lady whose name i don't remember. if he starts showing evidence of goodness or redemption, or if his relationship with the lady starts driving his actions rather than spite and ambition, i could see myself really vibing with him. but a lot of this show is wrapped up in spite and ambition and greed and power, and those things are fun to watch but don't really make me feel anything.

i also like Aegon a lot, but mostly because he's being meow meow'd in the plot and i recently rewatched Dunkirk where i like that actor's character far more, and can kind of plant the latter onto the former to trick myself into caring more about him. (and that little "mummy." there's promise there.)

i used to like Daemon and Rhaenyra but the second a character chooses themselves and their individual desires over someone they love, i completely lose interest. Daemon wants the throne. i can't empathize with that kind of drive for power and so i just can't make myself care.

but! i do like Rhaenyra. her desire for the throne is a little more interesting to me because she's seeking peace and not power. it's a real shame that they divided Rhaenyra and Alicent because theirs is the most interesting relationship to me and they also have great chemistry. (spoilers ahead) i think the most engaged i've been all season is their scene together. if Rhaenyra and Alicent ever start working together against a common enemy, and they do it willingly, without a mass of angst, or at least move toward repairing their relationship, i'll be insane about that.

honest to god my favorite thing about the show is that 10-minute breakdown at the end of every episode. i'm very fascinated by the behind-the-scenes stuff because a lot of very smart and talented people are making it and i think there's a lot to be learned there. also i almost always prefer the story about the story than the story itself. i'm saving the behind the scenes series for after the season is over.

tl;dr there's a lot of potential for me to become fannishly interested if some of the things that are being set up come to fruition. if someone has a really juicy modern AU rec for me with any of my go-to relationship dynamics (submissive guard dogs, mommy issues, i'm trying to think of a third thing but that pretty much covers it), i'm all ears.

[chuuyanaurkahara]

MURDERKITTY STUFF NO ONE ASKED FOR BUT I DON’T CARE💯💯🔥🔥

uhm yeah lol this is all nsfw or suggestive stuff, sorry😔 it can go a bit extreme or graphic, so beware. don't read stuff you're uncomfortable with, stay safe, mwuah😘

not proofread cus it's almost midnight and my fingers are just mashing random buttons at this point while i'm hoping to sound at least half coherent

------

Azrael likes to call Dani an icy heaven during sex.

Another pet name for them is kitty or kitten or pet.

Dani cries easily, especially during sex. It's not because they're uncomfortable, their body is just very sensitive and easily overstimulated.

Up to a certain amount of pain it still can be quite comfortable for them though.

Azrael tries his best to be as gentle as possible, despite his urges to wreck Dani's whole body.

When Dani's in a very good mood (or it's Azrael's birthday) they allow their boyfriend to destroy them. They tell him that no matter how much they might cry and beg for him to stop, he should keep going if he so pleases. they have a safeword for if they really really can't take it.

Azrael loves to turn Dani into a crying and blushing mess, bruises, scratches and bitemarks all over their body, messed up hair, cloudy and unfocused eyes, cheeks wet from tears, drool dripping onto the mattress, panting, their cum mixed with Azrael's on their chest and belly, maybe even some on their face, maybe mixed with drool dripping onto the matress, trembling legs, and cum seeping out of their asshole. Maybe they're tied up.

Azrael cannot stop fantasising about Dani just because of their height. He loves how tiny they are compared to him and tells them so many times, especially, as you probably guessed, during sex. He loves how tight they feel around him. He loves how much power he has over them just because of their height difference.

No matter what kind of freaky stuff Dani wants to try, Azrael is definitely loving every second of it.

also, i am not above putting in a snippet of the canon things Azrael thinks. 1st draft because i don't even have one chapter finished.

Do they realise what they're doing to me every time they touch me? How every little movement makes me hunger more? Thirst more? Lust more?

Do they know how much they drive me to insanity? How much I want to ruin their tiny body, making them tremble and cry beneath me? How much I want to abuse their cute little mouth until it hurts to speak, their throat hoarse and aching?

Do they know how much I have to refrain from ripping off their clothes and fucking them dry right now? How much I want them to scream my name and my name only, how much I want them to mindlessly moan for me alone.

Do they know how much I want them to sob and beg under me? How much I want them to beg and cum because of me?

Do they know how much I want to consume all of them? Their spit, their flesh, their blood, their cum, their piss--- simply everything. How much I want to feel their delicate flesh between my teeth, their wonderful blood on my tongue.

and this was literally after Dani only hugged him.

[readingaway]

Worst Reads of 2022

time for some negativity! I’m just going to list the books I absolutely hated this year and give a short explanation of why I hated them.

1- Disfigured by Amanda Leduc

Literally the best part of this book is the description. The contents never get deeper than that and the book utterly failed to really investigate or explore what Leduc claimed to be writing about. Much of the text is taken up by autobiographical details and biographical details about other writers. 

2 - Namesake (Fable, #2) by Adrienne Young

This was especially disappointing because I’d quite enjoyed Fable - in-so-far as I can enjoy most YA adventure fantasy-romance, and Fable was very typical of its genre. But Namesake? What the hell was the point of this duology. I have to ask. What was the point Ms. Young? More importantly, you do understand that in your chosen genre of YA fantasy adventure the protagonist needs to do something.

But wait a second I need to go over another detail before I get back to the insanely weak plot and characters. The worldbuilding. It sucked. In Fable I put up with it, there was some nice imagery. But with all the other issues in Namesake I couldn’t ignore it. Young uses the same tired costuming tropes where, in one scene, the MC is forced - forced I say! - to wear a pretty dress to a party which involves a horribly uncomfortable corset. (What undergarments was she wearing before?) But that’s barely even an issue compared to, for example, that there is exactly one alcoholic drink in the entirety of this fictional world and it is called rye. That’s it. Rye rye rye. He was drinking rye, she was drinking rye, they were drinking rye. I wouldn’t be surprised if it had originally been rum and the editor made Young come up with something else to call it because rum would be too stereotypical or whatever. The rye thing is a pretty good example of the weak worldbuilding without getting too far into the plot. But I would also note that there is no clarity in what the climate is like, or the various cultures. Oh yeah. I guess there’s some magic in this story and some people have the ability to read or sense gems somehow, and it is only used for tension in a couple scenes and doesn’t matter to the main plot.

And back to the plot, which sucked. As a general rule, the main character of a story needs to do something. There are other important things about plots and characters, such as that a main character should want something, and that this drives the plot. The MC here does, at least, want something: her father’s love. What she does do over the course of two books is all about gaining her father’s approval or love, or it’s about helping her love interest. Just typing that makes me realize that somehow this duology failed the sexy lamp test with its main character. Fortunately it’s been almost a year so I won’t write more but seriously. This book is so bad. It’s soooooooooo bad.

3 - The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

I love the 90s adaptation of this book and so was excited to read listen to it, at last. That was a mistake. The first section of the book, up until Edmond escapes prison is good. It’s tense and you can really feel and understand why he’s so angry and set on revenge. The rest of the book.... his revenge is too intricate, there’s too much moralizing and talking. The revenge isn’t even satisfying. There’s a time gap between the escape and Edmond’s return to Marseille and he picks up this Greek slave girl who is kind of his adopted daughter but then becomes his love interest. He screws Mercedes over. The movie changed almost everything from the point of the escape and that was the right decision. There’s no satisfaction or great romance in the novel.

4 - Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey

So, I wasn’t a fan of American Hippo because it turned out that the novellas were not, in fact, fun and were instead gritty westerns. I figure that’s more an issue of my not reading the description carefully enough. This, I was unsure about and I just wish I hadn’t picked it up. It might have been good, but it’s missing so much worldbuilding/ information. I cannot buy into a story where somehow, at the time of the real american civil war, there’s instead this very fascist government over all the white people and there’s a secret society of people ferrying folks from the east to the free, rebel-held west. And that the headquarters of this rebel stronghold are in Utah. And the place names are the same. You cannot actually expect me to believe that there is a Provo, Utah not twenty years after initial colonization that is a glorious safe haven for free speech and being gay and nonbinary. I also don’t recall there being much about race or colonization in this story despite it being set, again, at the time of the real american civil war and with the group the audience is supposed to be rooting for heading for safety in a very recently colonized place.

*addendum, apparently this story is actually supposed to be “near-future.” But the worldbuilding issue remains the same. There’s nothing in this novella to 1) make it clear when this is supposed to be set, 2) make it clear or even possible to guess what has happened to bring about this “near-future” dystopia. I’ve read other, similar stories that also involve a near-future dystopia set in the US that give enough detail for that described future to be plausible. (Ex, The Handmaid’s Tale, or Civilwarland In Bad Decline.) This novella does not give enough information for me to even visualize the story, much less understand the essential question of “how did we get here?”

5 - How to Write a Mystery, edited by Lee Child

There were a lot of bad essays

6 - Leave the World Behind by Rumaan Alam

I wrote a review of it which you can read here.

7 - The Once and Future King by T.H. White

So yeah. I would like to stuff a sock in Merlyn’s mouth and duct-tape it shut and shoot him out of a cannon. That’s a bit extreme, but so much of this text was taken up by his patronizing, philosophizing, when he wasn’t going on racist rants and making up colonial manifestos. Such speeches rang especially hollow with the hindsight provided from the last several decades since the books were being published. There were other issues I had with the book, such as abrupt time skips and glossing over important details or constantly referencing other authors so that in order to understand this excessively long book, one must already be familiar with the preceding major works of arthuriana.

[never-not-ever]

The other day I was driving through Marblehead and saw a lot of fun Halloween decorations. As I was driving home I thought it would be a cool if I took a bunch of pictures and rated them.

So that’s what I did today. My Nana came along and she talked the whole time lol. Which isn’t bad, I sort of kept zoning out and I’d catch the end of a story and have no idea what it was about.

It was kind of fun driving around, constantly putting my hazards on and pulling over. It did spike my anxiety a little cause I was worried someone was going to yell at me for taking a picture of their house but that never happened thankfully!

I did however, make a 3-point turn on a One Way street not realizing that until someone went to turn and kind of yelled at me but it happened so fast and it was a wide enough street so it was fine.

When I get home I’m going to make a Tik Tok of my drive through Marblehead with the rated Halloween decor. A nice little project to keep me busy.

We’re on our way home now and she just ran in to the store to get a couple things. I can feel myself crashing. Or rather I’ve already crashed. I don’t know if it’s the warm sun on my face or the soothing music in the background but I just feel very flat now. I just want to go home, go back under the covers and drift away into unconsciousness.

The store we stopped at is the Stop & Shop I first started working at when I first got hired. This store holds so many memories it’s insane. The florist manager here trained me and she’s like a mother figure to a lot of the younger girls who work in the store. She’s honestly the best and I love her so much.

We talked this past summer when I was still at the hospital and I told her about everything. Even before, she knew of my past. I remember one day I went into work wearing short sleeves with my scars showing and she started tearing up and gave me the biggest hug and said how proud she was of me.

Honestly I was low key hoping she’d be working today (I just missed her, she left at 4) and I started tearing up just thinking of one of her hugs. She called me a week ago but I never answered nor called back. Back in the summer during our phone call she said she’d talk to the store manager and that she was positive I could get a part time job working short shifts a few times a week.

That’s my safety net I guess. Especially working for the company for 12 years, I know I can easily get a job, probably at any of my old locations too.

Right now sitting in the parking lot I’m seeing so many people coming out with wrapped bouquets of flowers and it makes me miss it. That was my job. When I left the company I had worked my way to a florist manager. I loved the department, loved working with flowers and plants and my favorite- balloons! I always had the best sales in the district for balloon sales!

But work is the last thing on my mind right now.

Anyways she should be out any second now and then home is only a few minutes away. That was another great thing about this location. On my lunch hour I’d go home and take a nap lol.

Ughhh the longer I sit here the more I miss working here. There was an Era where I did overnight shifts. You didn’t have to wear a uniform overnight, got to have drinks on the sales floor and listen to music. Those were the best nights! But I was also severely depressed back then. During my days off I’d stay up til sunrise and then sleep all during the day (black out curtains were my savior). There’s always good and bad mixed together. So while I remember the fun times of working overnights I also associate that time with lots of self harm and depression.

Okay end post.