#it doesnt even upset me anymore its just annoying

[schizopositivity]

Warning to anyone who posts about having a schizo-spec disorder, psychosis or psychotic symptoms openly online:

• it's possible that people will be sanist to you

• it's possible people will claim you are lying

• it's possible people will try to trigger you and make you paranoid

These have all happened to me, so here's some advice on how I deal with that:

• only check that platform when you are in a good headspace

• know that people are doing this to get a reaction out of you because they are sanist and want to see a "crazy" reaction, try not to feed into it, don't reply, ignore it, you don't even have to read the whole thing

• turn off anons if you need to (they tend to hide behind anons)

• block people right away

• delete asks right away so you don't have to see it again

• try not to take any of it personally, some people online don't see us as people, they see us as a label that they want to discredit, trigger or laugh at, they are either ignorant or hateful and don't deserve your time

It's important that we have our voices heard, don't let assholes on the Internet stop you from doing that.

[sonknuxadow]

Sonic actually got upset with anyone in the comics who referred to him as either Ogilvie or Mautrice, this included his own Comic dad so even if it was canon then it wouldn't mean anything.

(If it was canon then it would just be like how Tails is really named Miles, it never comes up so it legit wouldn't matter (I do want at least one person in canon to call Tails Miles, I want to know how he canonically reacts to it))

the name olgilvie was never actually used in the comics though? his middle name being maurice is mentioned a couple times but his first name from before he started going by sonic was always left unknown. the idea of his first name being olgilvie just comes from ken penders saying that he wanted to make that sonics name. but this was never actually brought up in the comics, it wasnt mentioned by any of the characters and it wasnt on any of sonics character profiles either. other writers for the comic have even said that sonics name ISNT olgilvie. so acting like its canon is just. idk. are we really gonna accept everything ken penders says he would have done with sonic as canon regardless of if its actually mentioned in the comics or not? because thats a terrible idea

also regarding tails's full name: he hates the name miles in aosth. but he doesnt seem to have a problem with it in other continuities, i can think of a couple times hes used it himself or other characters have called him that and he wasnt upset by it or anything

[our-lady-of-mcr]

.

[cerberin]

my heart is sooooooooooooooo annoying

[merevide]

after a few good days i be like ohhh im so emotionally stable nothing will ever go wrong again there has never been anything wrong with me! until i do smth embarrassing or get sad and then suddenly i gotta be put on a watch. then it's like ohhh

[suffarustuffaru]

If emilia had known all the manipulative and deceitful shit that echidna did to subaru in greed If and how fucked up subaru became under her influence, and how much Echidna despised everything about her and saw her as a useless, annoying naive doll, and eventually found out that Echidna was in fact so greedy and inhuman, do you think she would have changed her mind about Echidna and started to wary and disgusted by her? (Plus the talk of Beatrice waiting 400 years in Arc 4's Dream Castle would probably add fuel to the fire)

YES. absolutely. yes. itd be barely even a question, of course emilia would be wary of echidna and disgusted by echidnas actions if she (emilia) ever found this out. but im gonna explain why i think this🙏

we see some major instances of emilia standing up for herself—the biggest examples include her post arc 4 development, also her being mad about subaru calling her satella in arc 1, her arc 3 speech to the royal council (that was sadly glossed over in the anime but you can see it in the manga and its SUPER badass) and also her arc 3 fallout with subaru, etc etc. but the ones where she has more of a negative reaction, ie the arc 1 example and the arc 3 fallout with subaru—are particularly interesting to me.

the arc 1 example shows her standing up for herself with something that was done to her directly. subaru called her satella in public when shes already out there showing her face and being judged as she always is, but people arent usually so bold as to directly call her satella. its why she gets pissed—its a very personal insult, and its one that shes had to deal with for almost her entire life due to more factors out of her control (which is a reoccurring theme with her—shes rarely fully in control of many things in her life). this also is you know one of the examples where she DOES stand up for herself!!

but regarding the arc 3 fallout—yes, of course shes upset that subaru humiliated her at the royal selection when shes already bound to have a hard time because shes a half elf. of course shes upset that subaru broke his promise (especially when you remember her trauma with that), and of course shes upset because subaru absolutely looks like a massive liar right now (especially when you remember her trauma with that) and again, didnt keep his promise. but its interesting to note that emilia has this huge guilt complex regarding people being hurt because of her in some way (which isnt her fault at ALL but thats how it feels to her and this is how its often justified by perpetrators in universe!!). puck even tells her in memory snow that subaru keeps getting hurt because of her because puck is a shit father. so yes, emilia is upset that subarus hurt her, but so much of her dialogue in their arc 3 fallout is about how subaru got hurt because of her, and how she doesnt want subaru to be hurt anymore. a big part of why she leaves subaru then is because of that!! she was personally hurt, her trauma has been triggered by this too, shes been publicly humiliated on a deep level when shes already bound to struggle in the selection, and yet shes thinking more about subaru in this instance. that says so much about her.

and once you get to post arc 4 emilia in general—this is an emilia who is grown and is still struggling with her deepest insecurities but shes finally started to face them head on. of course shes gonna feel disgusted by what echidna did to subaru (and beatrice!!) if she ever found out—subaru and beatrice are very dear to emilia, and theyre the two people emilia is closest with thatve been affected by echidna the most.

i just think that on the scale of things echidna has done, emilia would care the least about how echidna feels about her specifically. not in the sense that emilia wouldnt care, because she does. she cares deeply about what others think of her and she always tries to be kind and nice and proper. she always tries to prove herself to others because she always has something to prove. shes the half devil, and shes someone whos often overshadowed both in universe and narratively.

echidnas feelings on her are only unique in its intensity and mystery—we see echidnas face scrunch up and she looks and sounds like shes going to cry when she admits in the anime that she hates emilia. we dont know why, only that this is the one and Only time we echidna with such negative emotions of this caliber? but echidna is probably far from the only person in the world to hate emilia and see her as useless and annoying and naive. and echidna is most definitely not the only person to hate emilia in the first place for various reasons.

emilia is extremely aware of just how many people despise her. how could she not when its connected to her appearance and existence? shes reminded of that like 90% of the time she steps outside. or when she thinks about other demihumans or about the fate of her own people. would it still sting for emilia to learn about the full depth of echidnas hatred? yeah, because like i said, echidna really has a personal vendetta against emilia, and also because this is all poking and prodding at the same core insecurities emilia has—that emilia is and will always be some useless doll thats paraded around. would it make emilia a little wary because echidna has a personal grudge? yes. of course. when theres a threat to emilia herself personally, that tends to extend for other people (such as her camp), so she unfortunately has to think about that. and of course emilia would probably also be wondering Why its so personal for echidna.

but emilia will IMMEDIATELY fixate more on the fact that echidna deeply hurt beatrice and subaru.

emilia is someone whos hated by the world, someone whos near constantly targeted unfairly in various ways—but she continually chooses to try and be kind and try to keep her courage and try to do the right thing even as shes completely terrified. shes deeply scared to hurt others due to her traumas and Various Experiences. she may not be entirely certain what love is, but she has felt it numerous times and loves her loved ones a lot. she cant fathom someone like echidna, who locked her own daughter in the library to wait for a person who isnt real just so echidna could watch and see what happens. echidna used her own daughter like some sick twisted lab experiment, and emilia would be even more deeply uncomfortable when you remember that she too was put in a princess room by her mother figure (which was well meaning and WAY different than beatrice of course, but im sure the room parallel would be Uncomfy anyway). and beatrice was waiting for 400 years too, emilias going to be so grief stricken and angry on beatrices behalf!!

and subaru's behalf too!! but let me go deeper into explaining greed if first.

when it comes to greed if, i dont like to entirely attribute everything to echidna here—mainly because i dont want to ignore subarus agency in all of this. subaru is the antithesis to someone like emilia or reinhard—subaru has infinite choices. hes choice itself. he can change in any direction and make whatever choices he wants and nothing can stop him once he sets his mind to something.

and greed if subaru continually makes decisions that makes him and everyone around him worse. he threatens felt and rom to leave the election to manipulate reinhard into joining him. he holds meili hostage in a cell to control elsa. characters like garfiel and ram understandably resent him for his manipulative bullshit. otto leaves because of it. emilia and beatrice’s mental health are completely and utterly destroyed because of his actions. yes, echidna is VERY MUCH to blame for how subaru ended up. he accepted her contract when he was vulnerable and at his lowest point, and now hes in this horribly toxic dependent relationship with her because shes the only one he can confide in. she helps him plan things, she helps him move things along. shes made him worse all this time, and while she plays a HUGE role in greed if for this reason, subaru continually makes the choice each and every single time to keep going down this path. he can try and turn around at any point, but he doesnt. hes a horrible person now, which i think should always be remembered in general for the vast majority of the ifs. he is a victim and a perpetrator at the same time. hes not innocent anymore—everyone is ultimately stuck under his control in greed if because he’ll just keep abusing rbd until he gets what he wants. no one whos near subaru has any free will here. echidna whispers in subarus ear and subaru chooses to listen to her and make more shit decisions.

is echidna guilty for essentially manipulating subaru into accepting her contract and becoming worse as a result? yes. is subaru guilty for doing all the things he did following accepting the contract? yes. these two things coexist. granted, i would still give echidna more of the responsibility for greed if of course, i just don't want to ignore what subarus been doing either hah.

but basically emilia finding out about all of this gets extremely complicated Very Fast.

to find out the full extent of the shit echidna does to subaru in greed if, emilia would have to know about rbd. and emilia finding out rbd is a whole other complicated subject on its own, but long story short, her guilt complex regarding hurting other people is gonna really FLARE UP. her worst fears have basically been confirmed with the existence of rbd because subaru has chosen time and time again to be involved with her, and being involved with her unfortunately means that he gets caught in the crossfire of ALL the things that keep trying to hurt emilia (which again isnt her fault and she has no control over any of this happening). so theres the double whammy of 1. emilia finds out rbd and 2. emilia finds out about greed if which brings whole other layer to this.

emilia is inevitably going to be horribly horribly guilty and In Despair over rbd. but then theres greed if, which shows echidna taking advantage of subaru for her own greed, subaru growing Worse because of echidna, and greed emilia also growing Worse in addition to everyone else involved in all of this. this is absolutely horrifying on multiple levels. OF COURSE shes also angry and grief stricken on subarus behalf—from her perspective, subaru has gotten hurt because of her and other people Repeatedly. she WILL blame herself for not doing enough (even though again, subaru and the people around them have made their own choices). she'll get angry and upset that subaru has even had to carry a burden like this alone, that hes been hurt so many times, and the fact that emilia herself is at the core of all of this. thats absolutely fucking terrifying. subaru has gone all this way for her. from her perspective—how can she possibly make up for all of this? she cant.

and then it gets even more terrifying because greed if subaru is a dark version of him that takes all his ugly traits and exerts control over everyone around him. hes miserable. hes horrifying. hes quite frankly an eldritch horror masquerading as this smiling mannequin version of natsuki subaru. and if emilias finding out about greed if, she has to find out about this other version of her thats all her worst traits amplified as well—shes a useless doll in the sense that greed if subaru removed emilias choices and did everything for her. hes the new puck to her, and puck was already a terrible parent by also exerting control over emilia in his own ways only to do horrible shit (see: destroying the whole world after she dies) behind her back. you know what that sounds like? subaru. and greed if subaru continues to enable this in emilia—hes responsible for her turning out this way and he continues to take care of her by doing everything for her because he now has this emilia that wants to bend to his every whim and follow everything he tells her to do. thats all she has left. subarus actions caused her to snap in this way because he never gave her a chance to actually flourish on her own. he never tried to help her rather than control her. and its why, in all her instability, she nearly freezes everything around her every time she gets angry and upset (see: her nearly having a breakdown after seeing subaru got hurt because of beatrice). greed if subaru has essentially gotten his "dream girl" in the worst way possible—emilia is now fully and completely dependent on him. she never had the chance to be otherwise.

its so incredibly clear when you read greed if that the moment emilia gets on the throne of lugunica, because she will, because subaru will absolutely make that happen, emilia will become a puppet ruler because shes too mentally unstable now to actually rule. because again, subarus made the choices for her this whole time, and it broke her.

greed if beatrice is also similar because really all subaru did was drag her kicking and screaming out of that burning mansion. yeah, from his perspective, what other choice did he have? he had to save beatrice. and theres no denying that greed if subaru has good intentions, but he has a hard time seeing and treating the others as people. theyre just like dolls that he has to drag around, and then he has this whole list of people that need saving, a whole quota he has to fulfill, so he drags them kicking and screaming along with him instead of talking to them as equals. as people.

greed if subaru is the subaru that keeps abusing rbd and going back in time over and over again, but not once is he actually using it to do something like, i dont know, wholeheartedly try to save beatrice by letting her make the choice to save herself like in canon main route arc 4. instead he just dooms her by never letting her choose and by never even trying to talk her out of it. or maybe he has, but he never understood how to do that in the right way. main route subaru figured it out by fully taking the time to understand her on a deep level and empathize with her. beatrice was the one to make the choice to save herself. greed if subarus had Infinite Tries and he never figured out how to actually save beatrice. mainbaru treated beatrice like her own person. greedbaru treats beatrice, and many other people, INCLUDING HIMSELF, like an object. he doesnt save them because he sincerely loves them, at this point. or maybe he does, but its not in a healthy way because hes just saving them because he has to. its an oligation, not a sincere desire to see them happy and safe and fulfilled in ways thats good for them.

and main emilia, i think, would Absolutely be horrified by herself. and i think shed pity greed emilia, but she'd also be disgusted. greed emilia is everything that emilia has hated about herself. greed emilia is the worst of her personified. but emilia would pity her. greed emilia has zero control over herself, her emotions, her own life. the two most important men in her life—puck and subaru—hurt her so deeply that shes just that far gone. and main emilia would be horrified by greed subaru of course, but i think shed be disgusted by all his manipulation. its sad and pathetic and Terrifying to watch. but of course its complicated.

and i hate the idea that emilia cant handle anything complicated (which tappei continues to push forward because hes fixated on making emilia "stupid" and "pure" and "innocent"), but while i think emilia would struggle to wrap her mind around all of this (because honestly who WOULDNT be struggling to do that with all of this shit aljsdlfjsdf), emilia would try her best. and she'd turn to echidna more because subaru wouldnt have turned out that way without echidnas influence. greed if subaru, after all, is still a victim. an imperfect victim, but still a victim, at the end of the day. but i think emilia would eventually have to reconcile that puck, while he did love her, wasnt the best (AT LEAST more than what she already kinda did in arc 4, because she doesnt know the full extent). he was far from it. he failed her in a lot of ways. hes hurt a lot of people. and emilia would have to know that subaru is capable of doing these horrible things too, but the subaru she knows and loves now is far different. shes sorry that hes had to deal with all of this alone. she'd be deeply sorry for greed if subaru, even. these things have nuances and i fully believe emilia will be able to understand even if it takes her some time to do so (because again—WHO WOULDNT feel complicated feelings about this??).

its like how subaru continually forgives the people around him for things theyve done in other timelines—theyre not the same people in the main timeline now. emilia would recognize that, because she herself is someone who sees the ugliness of the world, someone whos experienced it, and someone who wants to reject it all and try her best to choose kindness and love. and she knows that shes capable of that same ugliness too (see: greed if emilia) (see: her killing pandora numerous times after pandora tore apart her family and home) (see: her doing the arc 3 fallout with subaru) (see: her accidentally hurting others in frozen bonds) (see: her accidentally freezing her people) (see: her lowest points in arc 4). but—isn't that part of being human?

i do think that despite everything, emilia would pity echidna a bit. echidna, who deeply loathes her but is driven to tears over it for Unknown Reasons. of course that wont stop emilia from being disgusted by echidnas actions though.

yeah so anyway tldr: emilia deserves to go absolutely feral because i absolutely think she would go apeshit on echidna if she found out about what echidna did to beatrice and subaru. shes fully capable of it and we've seen her go feral multiple times okay. the moment she finds out about her loved ones being hurt shes gonna be like cradling them gently to her chest and then she turns around and goes feral on whoever hurt them 😭 it is SO over for echidna. (AND GREEDBARU, if emilia had the chance to.)

[certifiedgoofball]

a rant about how fucking ANNOYING my ex was when it came to my npd (even though HE HAD BPD HIMSELF) ok so first off, he was the one to help me realize i probably had bpd. and it was NICE because i was figuring things out abuot myself and i felt like i could talk to him and i was being really open. but after a bit i started feeling weird with the label, and i was noticing that i had a lot of symptoms that didnt match up with bpd, so i started researching other pds, which led me to NPD. but i had a lot of internalized ableism around the idea. so i pushed it inside myself and bottled it up, until i saw something frmo someone with NPD that i related to so deeply that i couldnt push it down anymore so i started doing more research on npd and looked at experiences from people with npd. and it made sense! it made so much sense and looking through tumblr seeing stuff from ppl with npd that were proud of their npd and were open about it and were so similar to me made me happy. so i decided to tell my boyfriend, because he was, yknow, my BOYFRIEND, and i felt i could trust him. i tell hiim that i think i might have it. at the time i was like 99% sure. and the first thing he says is i probably dont because im "too nice" and that hes SCARED. of my fucking personality disorder. which doesnt help my internalized ableism at fucking ALL. but i put it off im like whatever okay hes an anxious person its fine. but no, it just keeps going. he starts to talk about how he thinks his terribly abusive mother has npd. about how he has so much trauma over the term and how his mother is such a terrible narcissist abuser and how he still believes in narc abuse to an extent. and im like, what the fuck? listening to the things hes saying his mom doesnt even seem like a narcissist. she just seems like a regular fucking abuser. but no, of course, tell this to your boyfriend that confided in you about a terribly stigmatized disorder he thinks he might have, because of course thats good (sarcasm). and then he tells me that whenever i talk about npd i trigger him and i shouldnt talk about it so much. i shouldnt talk about my fucking PERSONALITY DISORDER. the disorder that makes up my whole personality, the one that affects the way that i think and view the world and others. but no, of course, youre allowed to talk about your bpd as much as you want, but i cant talk about my npd. (sarcasm again). if you cant handle me talking about it, imagine what its like to fucking LIVE IT. to have a disorder that everywhere i go there comes up shit about how every pwnpd is a terrible abuser and they dont deserve respect, and then i confide in my fucking BOYFRIEND about it, because i TRUST him, and i just get more stigma thrown back at my fucking face. this one is just kind of annoying and not like objectively bad, but i show them this meme one time thats like "what to do to all narcissists: tell them theyre always right" and they respond like "uhm ackshually.... its harmful to feed into their ego and tell them theyre right when they arent" LIKE I FUCKING KNOW YOU IDIOT!!! i know im not always going to be right! i know that!!!! and then they talk about how they arent comfortable when i ask for supply because they dont want to fucking "feed my ego" like what the fuck!!!! what the fuck is wrong with you!!!! and they would get fucking upset when i headcanoned a character to have npd. like what the FUCK is wrong with you. ughh!!!!!! god. they make me so angry!!!!

[peachyfnaf]

im really not having a lot of fun watching sams/laes anymore and it's just making me rather sad. so. this post is me yapping about that- under the cut in case someone doesnt wanna see it (and i have a tag to block if peeps dont wanna see my saltier/more discourse-ridden takes in general lmao)

tbch, i feel a bit bad about it. or not really Bad, just upset n' angry n' annoyed that im no longer getting as much joy out of watching the shows as i used to. it does a big hit to The Tism which normally clings onto these shows like a leech dhfssdfgd

i think i've made my opinions on the current arc blatantly clear to anyone who's seen me post about it before, but in case someone Hasn't, let it be known i do not like this arc. i hate it. i hate what they did to nexus/new moon, i hate how it's being handled, i hate how some of the other characters are being treated/are acting, i hate how the fandom has become so split over this arc that you almost have to pick a side and can only make friends on that side. i hate it.

anytime its a silly episode i have the gnawing thought of 'nexus is out there. perhaps being manipulated by dark sun or falling further into villainy, or something even worse.' in the back of my mind, so i can barely focus on the silly and just start thinking about nexus instead. and sometimes the silly episodes just bore me or contradict themselves or make me worried for the future. (ie, for the last one, some things that are nothing but silly jokes in the moment- such as frank- can later be considered legit serious and lore important things down the line, so i always have to keep my guard up a lil bit even around silly episodes. its rather exhausting).

and anytime its a lore ep im just not interested in it bc im more curious as to whats going on in other parts of the lore. ofc i mainly mean nexus, but im also curious about eclipse and what he's plotting. about the astrals, specifically lunar v taurus. i simply dont see the content i was hoping to see, and its been happening back-to back-to back-to back now on these two channels. so, it's starting to become unfun/boring for me.

not to mention that i just Miss the vibby games- i miss the video games very, very much and i am constantly angered at the higher ups for making the va's do more lore both because all this lore is grating and im also highkey worried for the va's. idk how stressful it must be to film lore for basically every day, but i'd bet its not the best thing in the world. i fear for even worse burn-out.

overall, this, to me, is just not a fun time in these two shows rn and im really thinking about just Ignoring this arc completely in my own canon and instead focus on past lore/silly videos. like i'll prolly still theorize about what's next and watch the eps just bc i like hearing their voices, but ive gotten past the "im angry at this for fun" phase and am more into the "im not angry anymore, just bored, sad, and disappointed with how things are turning out," phase.

i miss my wife, (sams/laes before this arc) tails. i miss her a lot

[anti-katsuki-lounge]

yk, it kind of annoys me when people rag on shinso for "coasting through life with his quirk". like, there are plenty of other valid criticisms of his character in canon (though admittedly i love his fanon characterization a lot bc of my own biases) but that one always gets under my skin. because that's,,, something basically every canon character does? if you have a quirk, youre going to use it, and the metric for which people use to identify a character as "relying on their quirk too much" seem inconsistent at best. even our very own main character midoriya starts relying on his quirk for everything basically as soon as he can use it without hurting himself, and we stop getting those fun moments where he gets to show his intelligence and creativity nearly as often as theyre replaced with "who can punch harder" contests.

also people who claim shinso did no physical training before the entrance exam, or before aizawa picked him up. because as far as im aware,,, thats never stated in canon? i think people are assuming that if he did any physical training, he would've automatically gotten into the hero course, but that's just not true. even if he trained as hard as he physically could, its gonna be basically impossible for a 15 year old who doesnt have a quirk that gives them an advantage to win against enough robots to pass... which is the literal point of the test. and before anyone brings up hagakure or ojiro, ojiro has an extra limb which canonically helps with his destructive power (he uses his tail to destroy things his punches/kicks couldnt multiple times) and professional martial arts training that shinso clearly doesnt have based on how he flailed during his fight with midoriya, and hagakure is invisible so she can easily sneak up on the robots and take the time to find their weaknesses without being attacked. clear advantages.

and even if he did absolutely no combat training, that could easily be a result of the whole quirk-centric society brainwashing everyone that their quirk makes them who they are. that they have to rely on it, and use it as their guide on who/what to become. so the fact that people are so quick to chalk it up to stupidity and arrogance, when it could easily be just a teenager who isnt immune to propaganda being bitter (and admittedly cruel, like i said not a fan of his canon characterization) when he tries to do something good with his "evil" quirk and it doesnt work, or hell any number of hundreds of other explanations, annoys me a bit. (i realize this is probably coming off as more of an angry rant than im intending, but im not actually that upset about it, im just trying to communicate my thoughts clearly.) ultimately, i dont think we have enough info on shinso's character to decide things like that, you know? and i dont think its productive to just decide that one interpretation of the very limited information we have on his thoughts and actions is the canon one, and then bash/praise him for that interpretation.

i think that's also why tagging things as OOC isnt really done anymore unless its egregious, because there are so many interpretations of characters that are close enough to canon that that version of them can be argued, and a lot of times the person who holds that interpretation is truly convinced that version in their heads is canon, to the point that anyone saying it isnt is automatically deemed an idiot who can't read. so its easy to say "people should tag more things as OOC", but it takes a lot to be aware that how you read a character may not be what is actually displayed in the text or what the author intended, and a lot of people only think about how they read the story due to their own biases or creativeness or pet peeves, not the literal reading of the text. its especially hard in manga, when drawings of facial expressions can sometimes be argued to display a number of emotions, thoughts, etc.

and that one post where someone said that shinso would die immediately if he had to fight someone with a weapon, when he wasnt trained, and they were genetically physically immune to his quirk?? like, yeah, obviously??? so would anyone! these hypotheticals are meaningless, because you could easily say "well, what is hagakure had to fight someone with a gun who had heat vision on day one, she'd probably die" or any other random character and scenario. it means nothing, especially since shinso was actively training to get into a school where he would be trained to both use his quirk and what to do when he cant use it. just saying "well he wasnt good at fighting before he got in" is a terrible argument. i agree with a lot of the rest of the post, but that one part baffled and irritated me.

I think Hitoshi’s biggest flaw is that the world building around him sucks. Had he been shown to train and still failed and had we actually been showed that he’s been bullied, his anger would’ve been justified or at least understandable/sympathetic. Instead we have… nothing, which makes him seem like he’s throwing a temper tantrum and/or comes off as entitled. On paper, he’s not a bad character whatsoever, and the same goes for Shota. The main issue with both characters comes from how they’re executed and how they mesh with the world they’re in.

[try-set-me-on-fire]

Oh I'm such a wimp I don't even wanna think about bad things happening 🫣 But I keep coming back to touch starved, secret caretaking and cry into chest, if you want to talk about any of them?

Well secret caretaking would be kind of a fluffy one! Buck is a pretty stubborn guy when it comes to taking care of himself and asking others for help related to that, so it would be Eddie quietly doing things to make his life easier/nicer while he’s having a tough time. A lot of him being sappy while making sure his ice packs always get back in the freezer, etc.

Haven’t figured out the other two so I’ll just start typing shit out under the cut

Cry into chest…. Not sure what to do about this one…. Maybe I’ll make Eddie cry about something…. Family problems? A nightmare? Buck got hurt and he’s worried? Chris is sick and he’s worried? Or maybe nothing at all has happened but he still is just caught up in an overwhelming feeling of nonspecific worry and frustrated about it because he thought he was past this, The Breakdown ™ was so long ago at this point and like he knows making progress doesn’t mean he magically doesn’t have anxiety anymore and he can have set backs and that’s okay, but he’d been getting better at recognizing when panic like this is coming on and what might trigger it, he’s upset that this blindsided him. Yeah I like that I think I’ll turn that into something…

Touch starved might be another Eddie one. Maybe lawsuit era, maybe post shooting where Ana is there and touches him but he just wants buck, maybe breakdown era where he doesnt see buck anymore and misses him so much but doesnt know how to ask for it, maybe just a general him getting in his head about what kind of touch he’s allowed to have? Like he and Buck casually touched and hugged more in the first season or two they were in and then got a little more distant and that could be characterized as like… in the early days Buck is a friend, its fine to pal around with your friends, but then uh oh the emotions are getting really intense now and you’re not supposed to want to touch your friends this much! Danger! What would the guys on his baseball team have said? What would his dad say? In other words Eddie Diaz Fights The Forces Of Internalized Homophobia. OR I might repurpose and finish this snippet (that I think I’ve already posted before??) about Buck coming back to the Diaz house for the first time after the tsunami

They’re in the locker room, shift over by a good ten minutes, when Eddie puts a hand on his arm. Buck, carefully, doesn’t startle or say this is the second time you’ve touched me in three months out loud.

“You wanna come over,” Eddie says, theoretically a question but presented more like a statement, and Buck should probably feel more annoyed at that except for the fact that there’s a less than zero chance he’d ever say no.

“Yeah,” he says, unnecessarily. “Sure. You want me to grab food?”

So, 40 minutes later, he’s in front of the Diaz house holding a few greasy boxes and worrying that somehow everyone’s taste in pizza has changed since the last time they did this. Eddie’s taste, probably, at nearly years old, has settled such that the most garlic-y option Buck can find is still a safe bet, but Chris is just a kid, getting bigger every day, changing all the time. Three months is an age to an eight year old, maybe pepperoni is disgusting now, embarrassing, food for babies.

So. Buck is standing on the porch, holding the boxes, biting his tongue not to cry wondering what all he might have missed when Eddie pulls into the driveway in his new big truck. He bites down harder because he doesn’t know what he’s allowed anymore, if it would be okay for him to laugh and say what the fuck are you hauling around that you need this much car, Diaz.

Sorry Eddie I will never pass up the opportunity to rage on you for your poor choice of car for city driving

[hearts401]

could you tell us more about swap! mike if you have the time he’s so important to me….

(also your art is so good. and your fics. like you are so so talented and you’re super funny as well and I love ur blog sm have an incredible day 🫶🫶🫶🫶)

WAAAH IM GLAD U LIKE HIM he's so special to me too

Im thinking of things i might not have shared already BUT ill also just drop a rundown of what happened bc i think some stuff has changed since last time i told it

basically mikes 10th or 11th (havent decided yet) birthday rolls around and hes messing w his friends and they lock him out as a joke. mildly annoyed, he just goes around to the back but finds he doesnt have his father's key with him like he's supposed to. luckily, william is there! and. stabs him. charlie dies shortly after in the bite, the missing kids (including mikes old friend sammy who was NOT involved in the party incident) all die (cassidys not in this au btw lol sammys toysnhk) and then sees evan get killed by circus baby. this whole time he's dragging them back because he wants revenge on his father, however sammy doesnt need dragging. he accepts michaels offer immediately. In fnaf 2, the security guard is the chica bully (who i have yet to name and fun fact she's transgenderrr mtf) and mike sends mangle after her while distracting her. she gets bite of 87ed. Michael chases henry into the fredbear suit and kills him, applauds evan for killing elizabeth before ditching him when he explains that he brought her back via remnant, and targets her and henry for the entirety of fnaf 6 before being caught in lefty and stopped for one night despairing over being trapped and shocked. buuut he returns the next night with a VENGANCE. he also joins sammy torturing will down in ucn.

NOW FOR THE NEW STUFF

He's way younger than teen mike but he does still have a habit of lashing out especially at evan. however when he sees everyone die that lessens a bit, and he often worries about evan stuck down there in the bunker, since hes the only spirit michael cant keep an eye on. they are, after all, under his protection. thats not to say charlie doesnt take that role, and she takes it much more seriously. they are TRULY under her protection and she is a lot kinder than michael is. but ill ramble about her some other time lol. when evan scoops liz and is kicked out of ennard, michael is ecstatic! his brother is back and they dont have to worry about elizabeth getting involved anymore! until evan reluctantly explains that liz is not dead for good. michael is upset with him, and evan defends her, saying its not fair that she has to suffer for what their father did and INSISTS that she wasnt actually working for william. but mike doesnt buy it and waves evan off. he cares about him, sure, but hes not exceptionally worried, and now evans pissed him off.

later, when henry goes to the saferoom and michael kills him, charlie and sammy are incredibly upset. they both defend henry, and michael ends up ditching them and turning the missing kids against them. because sammy chose this life to get rid of will, and charlie wasnt even murdered, so CLEARLY they have no say in this. (mikes just a bully and also second oldest only to sammy)

but then the missing kids move on and michael stays behind. because hes not done yet! hisdads still here! and everyone left him and hes soooo pissed because all thats left is charlie, sammy, evan, and henry. (oh and molten freddy) and hes just!!! ARGH!!! ITS NOT FAIR!!!! and uaufhuh

[meet-at-tycho]

sorryyy its late and i am filled with joy and whimsy. i love them so much, my sibling always gets annoyed with me cuz theyre all i talk about.. can you blame me? to have that vast boring nothingness shift into excitement and happiness and real true love? if you were me, youd talk about it too

its so funny cuz my life seems to move in cycles, familiar patterns that ive grown really sick of.. traumatizing and terrible, horrible bloody mess.... and then the most long drawn out boring slice of life youve ever witnessed. trauma! nothing! trauma! nothing! really tired of that.. i never thought that my nothing could be broken with joy, isnt that strange? for once, im not really hurting anymore. when i do hurt, i can handle it on my own and let go, and if its too much then i know im safe to express it

ive come such a long way, i dont tend to see myself positively, but.. its hard not to be proud. guys it turns out all you need to be happy is like. LOVE isnt that so corny isnt that so unbelievably predictable... APPARENTLY its true, i guess it feels different when yr actually experiencing it firsthand

im like on the verge of tears right now but. theres no sweeter joy than this, its so fucking BIZARRE. how did it happen this way? all the little bits and pieces that fell into place, delivered me angels and made me whole again.. cheesy, i know im being cheesy but i cant help it!! im sweet on them as often as i can be but theres still a lot of things i just.. dont have the strength to say directly. so i say them here, im sure only one of you will see this anyways. but i dont need either of you to see it, just speaking my feelings out into open air eases my mind a bit more

sometimes im like wow! theres no way this is healthy im . can i really experience true love? love that doesnt hurt? love thats REAL? as much as im tempted to deny it, im living it every day!!! i wake up and theyre both there to greet me, isnt that sweet? the first people i speak to when i wake up, the last people i say goodnight to when i go to sleep

i think i just need someone, i think im the kind of person that just.. ive been alone for a while, its OKAY its whatever, ive definitely grown used to it but. i thrive when im with them, its so? maybe all i need is someone else to keep me here.. ive got two!!!!!

maybe thats not clear enough

the way id get through that droning loneliness is escapism, nonstop daydreams and dissociation, i was barely here. only to eat and take care of my body a little bit, then its back to fantasy, because .. theres people who love me in my dreams! but.. im honestly finding it so hard to slip back into that habit now. its scary, because its whats kept me safe. hiding in fiction has kept me safe, kept me calm, happy.. but i cant shake it out of my head!!!! any time i try to fall back into those routines, the only thing i can think of is THEM.. like yeah this is great and all but.. i dont want to be trapped in my head anymore!!! theyre out there, i want to be out there..

if im honest? its terrifying. im forced to come to terms with ME as a person, who i am, something ive neglected to acknowledge for my entire life, but. im so completely wrapped up in my love for them that i hardly think about that!!!!! for once, it sorta almost feels like time is moving how it should be.. like every day that passes is different, every day that passes is SPECIAL. it hurts me to say this, but i think i love being alive? can you imagine that? how is it possible that two strangers could just.. fall into my life one day and before i even know it, im healing, im happy, im whole. MAKE ME SICKK its so foul. its almost pathetic!!! is that really all ive needed? this whole time, and i couldnt find ONE proper candidate throughout 20 years of life? its hard to really be upset about it, cuz.. ive got them now. thats all that matters

idk, i just. i think its really telling the kind of people they are, i know im only me, but.. for what its worth, theyve improved my life so drastically, i wouldve never thought id see myself happy like this. they do that for me, they do that and so much more. i love you 💞

[soulofamy]

spoilers for tekken 8's story and character endings under the tag! read at your own disgression. these are just my thoughts on it. for transparancy, i likely wont actually be able to purchase and play the game for the foreseeable future so i just watched a playthrough of it instead

so ill start with what i liked. i really liked that, unlike tekken 7, everyone on the roster to some degree was in the main story. i like that a good healthy handful of them even tried their best to aid the efforts against kazuya. it was really nice for me especially to see shaheen get to be cool and heroic. i dont want to hear ANYONE say hes boring ever again, you hear me?

i like the character endings as well, theyre so fun and lighthearted. i liked zafinas and shaheens the most. i surprisingly likes kazuyas and juns too, it makes me think he actually DOES love his wife to an extent. not enough for me to like him as a character unfortunately though lol.

i LOVED angel jin at the end. his design imo was phenominal. i love that they crossed an ethereal, otherwordly monster with a knight and gave him golden angel wings too. it was so visually captivating, i will be looking out for a character sheet to see what distinct features i can point out. i just love that they made an angel design so unique, there was nothing predictable or boring about it.

now things i didnt like

first off, i am SO mad that they killed off zafina AND claudio so early on. they were the two i was most interested to see!! i wanted to see their dynamic together!! but at least zafinas death made a little more sense than claudios. his death did absolutely nothing for the story! i thought maybe that hyper-charged up bolt he shot was going to slowly deteriorate kazuya overtime and weaken him enough that jin could take him one on one or something but NOPE! even zafina i felt didnt need to die. was it ever explained that her life force was connected to azazel? wouldnt it make more sense if she was free to be of MORE use now that azazel isnt holding her back? i never thought i would write tekken fanfiction but they have forced my hand. justice for my faves please </3

they did nothing with leo finding his mother and that makes me sad. its cool we got his dad though, he seems like a cool guy. i wouldnt mind his dad being a new fighter.

steve just kind of dropping the whole thing with nina also upsets me because like if you were going to make the ending to that whole thing so lackluster, why introduce it at all? nina clearly doesnt care and steve just kinda carries on, what was the point? why put nina through such a traumatizing experience of having a child against her will for such little payout?

lastly, i just really could not give two rats toenails about reina im sorry 😭 like visually shes boring. her personality is boring AND annoying. and then they try and make us want more by showing us this heihachi child is ALSO a devil. like i am so tired of the mishima saga that i dont care enough to wonder who her mother is. there are SO many loose ends that havent been tied up yet, i dont want a potential tekken 9 to focus on the mishimas anymore i am on my hands and knees begging

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[wanderrlust0]

:s

im home now and im glad me and him got high today bc i dont think i wouldve been able to be okay emotionally and pretend like everythings good. i just read my last journal post and i just started crying. like i gave him till the very last minute to say i love you to me and he didnt so i whispered it as i got ready to get out of the car and he then whispered it back. like, he wasnt gonna say it if i hadnt said it. he just said it bc i said it but i can tell it was like empty words like wtf i feel like he doesnt really love me anymore rn and ive done absolutely nothing wrong like its unfair and im tired of it. he hasnt been himself since tuesday. first he wasnt himself when i saw him sunday. then i forced him to talk about it a little. then he was good monday, saying good morning, goodnight, using :3 a lot. then tuesday he just went back to the dryness and sounding uninterested. stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning to me. its now thursday (technically) we hung out. i texted in caps goodmorning bc he again just started saying stuff. i feel like he was only okay today bc he was high. he was touching me a lot but mostly my ass bc i wore a skirt. i didnt mind it ofc but i did sorta feel like he was mostly touching me in a sexual way and less romantic way. he is so fixated on my friend who he doesnt like and thinks id cheat with. bunny stop being insecure..honestly. i feel like its def that and his inability to fully trust me is what the main problem is. like he was barely loving meD: i can tellll when he genuinely does bc he shows it but today and these past few days just felt so casual and not full of effort. like why the fuck am i really crying right now like idk how im feeling bc im like ofc hurt and im confused and tired and annoyed and upset and sad and it feels less fun. i always end up doing most of the talking when hes like this bc itll make me so uncomfortable to sit in silence. like theres a good silence and a weird silence. i used the bathroom and left my phone on the table. ik he most likely scrolled thru my notifications. like im sure he def did. he was standing right there. even tho it was locked and he cant see the details of the notifs ik i have nothing to hide. the thing is how long is it gonna take for him to have some faith in me and stop doubting me and treating me like im a copy of everyones past mistakes. i think now im really actually not gonna act like things dont affect me and show more dryness or annoyance or distance. whatever i feel towards him ill reciprocate or stop pretending like its nothing. he didnt answer my text where i sent him a video that i thought was cute and funny and i wanted him to see it too. no acknowledgement from that. he hasnt sent me an ig reel in days. he stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning. he did now. the edible made him happier today and same with me. we drank and it made us both sleepy. idk what hes feeling towards me. he doesnt really share everything bc he thinks that it doesnt make a diff if we talk about it or not bc he feels like nothing will change and its pointless. i obviously disagree and i feel like we def have to talk, whether itll make a diff or not. it will do something. itll help us understand each other more. itll help us see things in a diff perspective. itll help us clear the air and get rid of the elephant thats lowkey in the room. i wish he wasnt so insecure in times like these. i wish he was more confident with himself. i wish he would really just love me unconditionally and not question our love. i wish i didnt have to tiptoe around the topic of my friend. i wish hed pay attention to whats in front of him and realize how great we can be. hes like a part of me now and i cant see myself without him and i desperatelyy wish hed just understand thatD; im trying and doing my best. i love him to pieces, but if i feel that hes losing interest, it makes me lose interest and i emotionally feel less of a connection to who he is. its like i love him and want him close by but his energy isnt the same person and i miss him againnn. hes back to caring less

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

🅱️lease. tell us what's going on w Jensen and Ethan. tell us ur Ethan headcanons

tysm for asking im having so much fun (im doing bullet points similar to the doc im working through it on lol. this is def the condensed version) (also if anyone has any problems with me making ethan worse then dont read this and, if you do anyway, dont comment and complain about it. its annoying.)

book 1

so, in my hc, ethan is sapiosexual. he had a "professional appreciation" for intelligent men before, but jensen is his first realization that it could be something more than just that

in miami he attempts to hint at it, even though he knows he shouldn't. he just wanted to gauge whether or not jensen seemed interested at all and if he would return it

shockingly, jensen doesnt. ethan realizes this but keeps pushing, just in case he didn’t catch on (he has seen jensen completely miss advances from others at work so it’s not entirely unbelievable)

after the drama with landry sending him the article about jensen being arrested when he was younger, he saw how quickly jensen called him out for the bs aspect of it and how quickly he got mad at him for it (which jensen would do with anyone, including friends, but ethan took it personally)

he took a step back to reevaluate it all, which eventually led him to to the "reset" period. after realizing that jensen clearly didnt think of him as anything more, he figures getting away will help him put him out of his mind

book 2

he gets back and that first night at donahues he was relatively pleasant towards jensen, but after seeing that jensen still didn't care and didn't miss him, he started to get pretty upset about it

he thought he would be fine because he was fine when he wasnt seeing him, but coming back reverted his feelings to the same place before he left

at work the next day, he went right back to intern-year behavior. he was super short with jensen and acted incredibly annoyed whenever he had to talk to jensen

of course, jensen called him out on it (in front of the DT because oh is jensen horrible with timing). he asks if working together is going to be a problem and if it was something to do with the landry thing

ethan gets defensive about it and says some bs about "not getting special treatment" because he made it onto the diagnostics team despite that he was being noticeably worse to jensen than any of the other former interns

jensen still tries to be professionally pleasant until they get bloom as a patient and ethan throws his little temper tantrum. he calls him out for that but also brings in all the other shitty behavior ethan has been pulling

jensen calls him a spoiled unprofessional brat who lets his personal relationships and opinions interfere with his work, and is only a decent person when it conveniences him. jensen pretty much tells him that if this is how he gets to act then he should leave before he turns the DT into more of a joke than he’s already making it

again, ethan takes this as jensen attacking him personally rather than his actions, which it leans into this time, but is not entirely the case. essentially, ethan is taking it as jensen purposefully attempting to hurt him because he’s not interested in anything more than a work relationship

instead of relenting, he then personally attacks jensen back, calling out his character and how he ranks lower than ethan so he has no place to be whining. tt gets toxic fast and jensen does nothing to defend himself and it just looks Bad for ethan. jensen, baz, and june leave ethan to cool off while they go inside and take the case. ethan eventually joins them, still angry, but they get through the rest of it without anymore outbursts from either of them

tensions are high for a few days, jensen ignoring it and burying himself in the work while ethan just entirely avoids jensen altogether

It takes a while, but ethan eventually takes into account his own actions and realizes just how bad he’s been. he apologizes to jensen, blaming it on “personal matters” and jensen accepts his apology

but, the damage had already been done. the distance between them is farther than ever and ethan told himself that he accepted that they would never work together anyway

then, when jensen comes to talk to him after work a week or so later, ethan is right back on the hope train (no matter how much he didn’t want to be)

jensen asks him why these “personal matters” only changed ethan’s demeanor towards him—why he wasn’t doing the same to baz or june—and ethan not-so-subtly implies that jensen is somehow more special than they are

jensen tells him that’s a shit reason and basically makes him spell it out. when he finally musters up the courage and says something along the lines of having feelings for him, jensen doesn’t know what to say. he’s mad—mad that the fun and curiosity of his second year, of having the opportunity to be on the DT, was squashed by ethan’s toxic ass behavior. he’s also sad for similar reasoning. he has no idea how to react, just stays quiet as ethan explains before leaving

he avoids the hell out of him for a number of days, and the hopeful ethan wishes that it’s him considering, but the realistic ethan knows it’s because he doesn’t want to talk about it

and this is all i have so far :') ill be working on it more later but alas i have a class