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blackswaneuroparedux · 4 years ago

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I feel a sort of reverence in going over these scenes in this most beautiful country, which I am proud to call my own, where there was such devoted loyalty to the family of my ancestors – for Stuart blood is in my veins.

- Queen Victoria on Scotland

For a British monarch, Queen Victoria was extremely quick off the mark in making her first visit to Scotland in 1842, only five years after her coronation as Queen. Hooked on the stories of Sir Walter Scott, Queen Victoria toured the country with Prince Albert, spending several days in the capital at Edinburgh.

Then in September 1844 she returned to Scotland with Prince Albert and her young daughter Vicky at her side. This time she visited Blair Castle in Perthshire. They all enjoyed not only Scottish oatmeal porridge but its spectacular fresh landscapes, especially the Highlands, which captivated them both and inspired a rich new adoption of ideas. Later, they took on Highland life in the fullness of its tastes and traditions, something which was recorded in a wealth of artwork, not least in the Queen’s watercolours.

Victoria and Albert loved Scotland so much they inspired a trend for tartan and tweed across the kingdom. They returned over and over again, and after taking possession of Balmoral in 1848 they actually built a castle of their own.

Queen Victoria was a keen diarist and kept detailed records of her stays in Scotland, writing exhaustively about what happened each day: whether Albert’s hunting trips had been successful, who they dined with, her thoughts on the landscape, Highland pony riding, plans for scenes to sketch, details of the people she met, whether she liked them or not.

One of the most common urband legends of Victoria’s time in Scotland is that she and Albert got lost in the Highlands and sought shelter and hospitality in a poor family’s cottage.

Queen Victoria certainly never mentioned getting lost in the forest alone with Prince Albert on horseback, as depicted in the recent British drama series Victoria.

Queen Victoria never mentioned being forced to seek shelter with a kindly poor couple who cooked delicious trout over an open fire and let them stay the night, and there’s no record of her hiding her identity as Queen and learning to darn a sock like a “normal” person.

Still – you can see where this fanciful storyline came from. What we do see in her journal is that, for her, the wild Scottish Highlands were an escape from reality.

“After the constant trying publicity we are accustomed to, it is so pleasant & refreshing, to be able, amidst such beautiful surrounding, to enjoying such complete privacy & such a simple life,” she wrote in her diary.

And while and Albert avoided getting lost, they did have an idyllic pony ride accompanied by only one servant – as close to privacy as the monarch could really get.

“When I awoke the sun was shining brightly & it lit up the mountains so beautifully,” she wrote. “At 9, we set off, both, on ponies, attended only by Lord Glenlyon’s excellent servant, Sandy McAra, in his Highland dress, to go up one of the hills.

“We went through a ford, Sandy leading my pony, and Albert following closely, and then went up the hill of Tulloch straight over a very steep cabbage field, afterwards going round zigzag to the very top, the ponies scrambling up over stones & heather, & never once making a false step. The view all round was splendid & so beautifully lit up. From the top it was quite like a panorama.

“We could see the Falls of Bruar, the Pass of Killiecrankie, Ben y Gloe, and the whole range of hills behind, in the direction of Tay mouth. The house itself & the houses in the village looked like toys, from the height at which we were. It was very wonderful. We got off once or twice, & walked about. There was not a house or creature near us, only pretty Highland, black faced sheep.”

She added: “It was the most delightful, and most romantic ride and walk, I had ever had.”

Another time they cut it fine on a pony ride, with the Queen suddenly becoming worried about nightfall – “Got alarmed at seeing the sun sinking, for fear of our being benighted, & we called anxiously for Sandy to give a signal to Albert to come back. At length we got on the move, skirting the hill & the ponies went as safely & securely as possible.”

But they made it home just in time: “A long day indeed, but one which I shall not easily forget.”

And as for visiting a couple of unsuspecting-yet-kindly Highlanders at their cottage?

The only mentions of a “cottage” make clear this is no poor man’s house: “We got out at the Cottage, which is pretty & beautifully situated. There are some good Landseers in the room we went into.” With paintings by Sir Edwin Henry Landseer on the walls this is not exactly a poor man’s hut…

As she prepared to leave at the end of September, Victoria reflected on her time in Scotland: “I am so sad at thinking of leaving this charming place, & the quiet, liberty, & the pure air we have enjoyed. The action life we have been leading, peculiar in its way, has been so delightful.”

Having already lost her beloved husband Albert, Victoria found solace in Scotland and its people. John Brown was famously associated with Queen Victoria.

The Queen first mentioned Brown in her Journal on 11 September 1849, and from 1851 John Brown, at Albert's suggestion, took on the role of leading Queen Victoria's pony. In 1858, Brown became the personal ghillie (shooting guide and gun-loader) of Prince Albert.

After Prince Albert died in 1861, Queen Victoria went into deep mourning, becoming almost a recluse. In 1864, her daughter, Princess Alice, noted that the Queen had always been happy at Balmoral, especially when taking a ride in her pony cart. Why couldn't pony cart rides be made available at Windsor and at Osborne (the Queen's home on the Isle of Wight), with the Queen in the care of the man who so effectively led her pony at Balmoral? The Queen agreed and in December 1864 John Brown became a full-time servant. He was, as Queen Victoria put it in her journal, "indefatigable in his attendance and care".

By 1866 gossip about the relationship between the Queen and her extremely informal servant had started. Brown was the only person around Victoria prepared to "tell it like it was", and he often proved abrasive with members of the Royal Household: even, it is said, on at least one occasion giving the Prince of Wales the rough edge of his tongue. Rumours soon spread more widely, and Brown was featured in the satirical magazine Punch on 30 June 1866, and Queen Victoria came to be referred to by some members of her household (behind her back) as "Mrs Brown".

Speculation about Queen Victoria's 20 year relationship with Brown, following the early death of her husband Albert in 1861, started in court circles almost as soon as the unlikely friendship itself did when the queen was in her mid-forties.

Victoria's daughters joked about "Mama's lover", and the then Duke of Edinburgh (the queen's second son) claimed he had been evicted from Buckingham Palace because he refused to shake the servant's hand.

The news of 1866 carried a piece in the Gazette de Lausanne, a Swiss paper, that read, “On dit…that with Brown and by him she consoles herself for Prince Albert, and they go even further. They add that she is in an interesting condition, and that if she was not present for the Volunteers Review, and at the inauguration of the monument to Prince Albert, it was only in order to hide her pregnancy. I hasten to add that the Queen has been morganatically married to her attendant for a long time, which diminishes the gravity of the thing.” Most assuredly, no British paper carried such a tale, but once the word spread of the Queen’s supposed affair, there was no reining it back in.

In the United Kingdom it was Alexander Robertson’s pamphlet “John Brown: A Correspondence with the Lord Chancellor, Regarding a Charge of Fraud and Embezzlement Preferred Against His Grace the Duke of Atholl K. T. of 1873” that first openly suggested that Queen Victoria and John Brown had married morganatically - this being related to, or being a marriage between a member of a royal or noble family and a person of inferior rank in which the rank of the inferior partner remains unchanged and the children of the marriage do not succeed to the titles, fiefs, or entailed property of the parent of higher rank.

Citing one Charles Christie, ‘House Servant to the Dowager Duchess of Athole at Dunkeld House,’ Robertson claimed that John Brown was regularly noted as entering Queen Victoria’s bedroom when the rest of the household was asleep. Robert purported that Victoria married Brown at Lausanne, Switzerland, in 1868, with Duchess Anne standing as witness. The Duchess of Atholl vehemently denied Robertson’s allegations. Robertson went on to make other incendiary allegations without any proof including that Brown and Queen Victoria had a love child which as given up for adoption in Vaux, Switzerland.

Meanwhile, in our more recent times various newspaper revelations went as far as suggesting that the two had actually married based on newly unocvered letters from Victoria’s courtiers. Indeed a film was even made: "Mrs Brown" became the title of a 1997 film about the relationship, starring Dame Judi Dench as Queen Victoria and Billy Connolly as John Brown.

In 1872 John Brown knocked down a would-be assassin in what was the fifth attempt on Victoria's life. John died at Windsor Castle on 27 March 1883, aged 56, by some accounts because he was too devoted to Victoria. It is suggested that had he taken to his sick bed at the first sign of a chill, he would have survived, but his sense of duty was such that he carried on working until it was too late. He was buried at Crathie.

Were Queen Victoria and John Brown married? Historians are divided over this contentious claim. Those that have believe it have based their views on four pieces of information, none of which is in itself conclusive. But they believe that, when taken together, help swing the balance of probability in favour of a wedding having taken place:

After Victoria's death, two sets of mementos were placed in her coffin, at her request. On one side was placed one of Prince Albert's dressing gowns, while on the other was placed a lock of Brown's hair, along with a picture of him and a ring worn by Brown's mother and given to Victoria by Brown.

The published diary of the Liberal MP, the 1st Viscount Harcourt, for 17 February 1885 related a second-hand story told to his father, the then Home Secretary, by a renowned gossip, that on his deathbed in 1872 the Revd Dr Norman Macleod, the chaplain to Queen Victoria,stated that he had conducted a marriage ceremony between John Brown and Queen Victoria.

The Daily Mail on 2 September 2006 reported a similarly second-hand story in which a late senior member of the Royal Family had said that documents confirming a marriage had many years earlier turned up in the Royal archives at Windsor, and been destroyed.

After Victoria's death (a full 18 years after John Brown's own death), Edward VII tried to destroy everything connected with Brown, including busts and photographs. A life-size statue of Brown at Balmoral, commissioned by Queen Victoria after his death, was only saved by being moved to an obscure part of the estate where Edward was unlikely to find it.

My own view is that it’s a much ado about nothing. Although much of the gossip about John Brown and Queen Victoria was seen as ridiculous steps were taken to suppress information, for instance, when Queen Victoria died her daughter Princess Beatrice removed pages from the queen’s journal ‘that might cause pain” in her own words. People have msiread the intent behind such actions. The Royal family down the ages have always doused more petrol on the fire by simply trying to quell any rumours of impropriety that it invites unfounded wilder speculative tittle tattle.

It is clear, despite public gossip, there was nothing immoral in Queen Victoria’s relationship with John Brown. Queen Victoria would never have contemplated sex with a servant. People forget how rigid social roles really were and how seriously people viewed them in Victoria’s age despite the hypocrisy we have come to see them with.

Furthermore, she was never alone to carry out an affair having court ladies always within shouting distance. That was the whole point of having a royal court and doting ladies in waiting about the place.

The significance of Queen Victoria’s attraction to John Brown was that he - at worst - made a career out of her. He never married, had few holidays and devoted his life to the queen, and he was a walking encyclopedia of her like, dislikes, moods and needs. As a downright selfish person this greatly appealed to the queen. She liked him because she needed to be fussed, cosseted and spoiled. He told her the truth, spoke boldly to her and importantly too; unlike her family and senior courtiers, he was not afraid of her. Above all, when Prince Albert died Queen Victoria needed a male friend — she never really made close friendships with women — and someone to lean on. John Brown supplied all that.

Victoria’s visited Balmoral in her beloved Scottish Highlands in the late autumn of 1900. The Queen could not know it, but it was the last time that she would see the new castle which Prince Albert had erected in her words as his ‘own work… as at Osborne’ and which had become a box of intensely personal memories.

So deeply did the Queen feel her first visit to Balmoral after Prince Albert’s death in May 1862 (in pouring rain) that she wrote with painful dread to her eldest daughter, the Crown Princess of Prussia of the strange reality of everything: ‘Oh! Darling child… the stag’s heads – the rooms – blessed, darling Papa’s room – then his coats – his caps – kilts – all, all convulsed my poor shattered frame!’ (cit., Delia Millar, Queen Victoria’s Life in the Scottish Highlands, 101). Even the Queen’s lonely pursuit of spinning wool, which later became synonymous with her early widowhood, had been a vigorously traditional Highland activity (Ibid, 76). Now her widowhood of waiting was drawing to an end, forty years later, with the Queen’s approaching death.

The Queen’s unknowing leave-taking of Scotland took place gradually, over these last days at Balmoral. Touchingly, she was still referring to ‘tea’ – although by now, it consisted only of arrowroot and milk – drinking it at her secluded Highland retreat of Alt-na-giubhsaich. Queen Victoria’s last day included luncheon in Prince Albert’s rooms with her youngest daughter, Princess Beatrice and her Battenberg children. She left Balmoral fittingly, with the weather ‘wretchedly gloomy & dark’ whilst with her, she had a wreath to take back to Windsor, to place on the tomb of the Prince Consort at Frogmore; possibly it also contained the Balmoral heather she loved so much. Perhaps there may have been a presentiment, within the sentimental.

The Queen’s trusted doctor, Sir James Reid was with her at Osborne when she died, so presumably, the Queen would have had the comfort of a Scottish voice at her side, in between her lingering states of consciousness.

After her death, the Prince of Wales spoke a moving sentence of gratitude for Reid’s devoted service: ‘You are an honest straightforward Scotchman… I shall never forget all you did for the Queen’ (read Christopher Hibbert, Queen Victoria: A Personal History, pg. 494).

Significantly, the Queen instructed amongst the many sentimental items to be put in her coffin ‘some of which none of her family were to see’, a photograph of her devoted Highland servant, John Brown, which she ordered to be placed in her left and, with a lock of his hair. These were both tactfully hidden inside a silken case, the handiwork of the Queen’s late wardrobe maid Annie MacDonald, wrapped in tissue paper.

Afterwards, the Queen’s left hand was covered with Queen Alexandra’s flowers. Also put into the Queen’s coffin was a simple sprig of Balmoral heather, which Sir James Reid covered with a quilted cushion – made especially to fit the coffin – to preserve the Queen’s privacy in death.

Scotland was at her funeral, in the form of her Highland ghillies, as the Queen’s German grandson, Ernst Ludwig, Grand Duke of Hesse, wrote in his private memoirs: ‘[The moment] when her coffin was lowered in the mausoleum at Frogmore, remains unforgettable to me… I remained a moment there alone. When I looked about me, there were kneeling near me all of her ghillies [Highland servants] from Scotland, all strong, sturdy men, who were weeping there uncontrollably like sons for their mother…’ For her funeral, the Funeral March by Handel was substituted as per the Queen’s instructions, for music by Chopin and Beethoven and importantly, Highland dirges.

The sarcophagus or tomb chest was hewn from a flawless block of grey Aberdeen granite from the quarries at Cairngall in Scotland. Three attempts were made before this one was successfully carved out and it is purportedly the largest of its kind ever to have been hewn for such a use.

It was an appropriate Scotch bed for the Queen’s final sleep. Upon this sarcophagus, the effigies of Prince Albert and Queen Victoria lie still, a more sublime rendering of their marriage bed, staring into the beyond. Touchingly though, the head of Queen Victoria’s effigy is half-turned towards that of Prince Albert, as if it somehow suggesting that he died before she did. As in life, she is leaning, straining after the beloved husband that she mourned for half of her life.

The fact that their sarcophagus was quarried in Scotland is an appropriate choice for a royal couple who loved that country so much, becoming a little more Scotch with every visit. Appropriately for the Queen, parts of Eastern Central Scotland still celebrate Victoria Day, the last Monday before or on 24 May, Queen Victoria’s birthday.

Scotland was indeed with them, in the end. And continues to be with the House of Windsor.

#queen victoria #quote #monarchy #royalty #scotland #balmoral #queen #prince albert #highlands #tartan #victoria day #john brown #history #british #britain

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vallkyr · 4 years ago

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Step Out

When the people you trust most leave you to get caught by the task force hunting you, what else is there to do but finding new allies?

This wonderful gif has been made by the equally wonderful @agustdawn

Pairings: Chan x Kwangsun (OC), Chan x Felix, Minho x Jisung, Changbin x Hyunjin, Younghyun x Liam (OC), Siyeon x Jonghyeon, Aaron x Minhyun and other minor pairings

Genres: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, some Romance and bits of Fluff in between

Tags: Dystopia AU, Rebels AU

Chapter Tags: making up, emotional hurt, making up, unrequited love (or is it?)

Rating: Mature

General Warnings: Violence, Injury, Panic Attacks, Minor Character Death

Chapter Warnings: blood

Word Count: 9,446

Hey, everyone! I'm sorry the update took so long, I've had some trouble writing Step Out. But! I'm back! I'll try to make chapters shorter again and hopefully opdate more often.

Edit: I made some changes to Step Out since first posting it. For the explanation please check the notes at the beginning of chapter 9

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Chapter 8 – Worry gives a small thing a big shadow

Making composite sketches doesn’t sound like much, but Chan nonetheless feels exhausted when he and Kwangsun sit down in what has become their spot – the little seating corner Younghyun showed them last week. At least they were able to finish Lee Know’s sketch. One down, four more to go. How wonderful, Chan is already looking forward to wrecking his brain for a fitting description of the other members’ faces. Not. Beyond being tiring, making these catches is taking a toll on Chan’s psyche. No matter the circumstances, handing the DIT pictures of the members on a silver platter feels wrong. Dirty.

“Do you think they’ll really be able to find the others with those sketches?” Kwangsun wonders out loud. Chan really doesn’t feel like replying to that. Or like talking at all. He just wants to go home and lock himself up in his room. But at the same time, he doesn’t want to close off from Kwangsun. All this must be difficult for him too. Chan may not be much of a leader right now, but Kwangsun still depends on him and Chan will be damned if he doesn’t live up to that.

“Who knows. If we do our best-”

Blaring alarms cut through their conversation. Panic rises inside of Chan right away. This shit isn’t any easier the second time around; Chan fucking hates the alarms inside the DIT. Kwangsun’s hand quickly finds his and squeezes tightly.

“Focus on me.”

It’s easier said than done. Everything is blinking in yellow and the siren hurts in Chan’s ears. It’s too much. Way too much. All of it. Fuck, why couldn’t it just stop?

“I know this is hard,” Kwangsun says. He tries to keep his voice even despite the loud volume. “But you need to stay calm. Let’s take a deep breath together.”

Chan tries to breathe with Kwangsun, but the air around them feels so stuffy. His chest is too tight. He wants to get out of here. He needs to get out of here.

“Let’s make a plan together, okay?”

Chan only manages a nod. He has to put his entire mind into listening to Kwangsun’s voice to even understand him over everything else bombarding his senses.

“Okay, right now everyone is still rushing to move out,” Kwangsun explains. His voice is so sweet, so calm, so comforting against the sirens. “So we’ll stay here for the time being. Is that alright?” Chan wants to shake his head – he wants to get out of this nightmare as quickly as possible – but he nods. Right now, Kwangsun definitely has the clearer head; Chan needs to trust him. “When everything has calmed a bit, we’ll go to the investigation team’s room. We can sit with Taehyung.”

Chan breathes a low “Yeah” in response. Sitting with Taehyung sounds like heaven right now. Everything would be heaven compared to this loud, blinking hell. He tries his best to continue focusing on Kwangsun, who keeps on rambling and rambling about different stuff they will talk about with Taehyung, anything to distract Chan. Taking another deep breath, Chan closes his eyes and just listens. The sound of Kwangsun’s voice makes it easier to block out the sirens. True to Kwangsun’s codename, his voice is like liquid honey slowly coating Chan’s soul. It’s so sweet and soothing on Chan’s strained senses. When Kwangsun squeezes his hand, Chan opens his eyes again. The blinking is still there, but the sirens have finally stopped.

They get up from the couch in the little seating area and finally make their way to the investigation team’s rooms. It’s a lot quieter there, no running, no rushing. Chan would think the light and sirens hadn’t come through to here if it wasn’t for the tension filling the air. Heads turn and eyes stare at them as soon as they step through the door. When they reach the office of unit C, Taehyung immediately gets up from his desk and crosses the room.

“There you are! I was wondering when you two would come.”

“We had to wait until we were able to get through to here,” Kwangsun explains with a light-hearted smile. Chan is glad Kwangsun is able to come up with an excuse so easily. It saves Chan from admitting his panic attack in front of a bunch of people he doesn’t know.

“Yeah the hallways are a mess when everyone steps out. Anyways, now that you’re here you can finally get to know the rest of our unit.” Taehyung steps behind the person on the desk next to his – closer to the door – and puts his hand on the guy’s shoulder. “This here is Yeosang.” Said person directs a reluctant smile up at Chan and Kwangsun. “He and San-” Taehyung nods towards the person at the opposite desk, who smiles brightly and waves at them- “are the youngest members of our unit.” In a way too loud whisper behind his hand, Taehyung adds “Yeosang is a great help, please convince him to stay after this year.”

“What about me?” San asks with a pout on his face. Taehyung lets go of Yeosang in favour of rounding the two desks and coming closer to San.

“You’re a great help too, Sanie. But you already said you were planning to stay for four years so you don’t need to be persuaded. Yeosang on the other hand…” Taehyung trails off while fixing Yeosang with his gaze.

“I told you I’ll think about it.” Yeosang looks like he can just barely hold back a sigh. Without even knowing the situation, Chan already feels a bit of pity for him. This situation seems like a regular occurrence in unit C.

“I may have been annoying him with this every now and then,” Taehyung confirms Chan’s fear with an only partly regretful smile while going back to his own desk.

“Like once a week.” San seems to find the whole situation rather funny. It’s probably easy for him since he already made up his mind about staying in the DIT for at least four years.

“It feels like more.” Yeosang seems equal parts amused and annoyed by the entire thing. At least he can still laugh about it. Chan can’t help but smile at the interaction. It’s a little hard to believe those three have apparently only been working together for a bit over a year.

“Since Taehyung obviously isn’t going to finish the introduction round,” the guy at the desk in the very back of the office speaks up. “I’m Lance Corporal Park Sungjin. And this-” He gestures towards the person sitting at the desk to his left “is Private Park Roseanne.”

“Nice to meet you.” Private Park has a friendly smile on her face while she greets them. Looking at everyone in this office, Chan feels almost a bit taken aback by how genuinely nice the members of this unit seem despite Chan and Kwangsun having been the enemy just a month ago. Maybe they’re an exception from the rest of the DIT. But then again, Chan thought the same about Taehyung, but clearly, he was wrong. So maybe Chan is just a little too pessimistic after having been around the battle team.

“Nice to meet you,” Chan and Kwangsun echo. With Taehyung sitting again, it becomes rather obvious that Chan and Kwangsun are the only ones standing. It makes them feel a little out of place. As usual.

Almost as though she read Chan’s thoughts, Roseanne speaks up again. “The last few offices in the back are empty, you can get chairs from there.”

It feels a bit weird to just take chairs from one of the unused offices, even though they got permission to do so. Almost everyone is staring at Chan and Kwangsun from their respective desks while they walk back with the desk chairs. Passing the offices feels a little like running the gauntlet. Though it’s still nowhere near as bad as when they entered the battle team’s rooms for the first time.

“Do you have any news about the attack yet?” Kwangsun’s question feels a bit heavy, especially after the playful banter from earlier. But then again, it’s kind of the elephant in the room when sirens were howling and lights were blinking just a few minutes ago.

“Sadly no,” Lance Corporal Park answers. “In a few minutes we’re all going to the conference room to watch the news together and see what’s going on.”

“Do you always work that way?” Chan asks. He doesn’t know what he expected from the investigation team but gathering in front of a TV to watch the news together definitely wasn’t part of it.

“Yeah. Reports from the battle team can be kind of fuzzy. It’s great to have them, but we don’t want to rely on them alone. Another point of view never hurts.” With Taehyung’s explanation it does make a lot more sense. Trying to keep up with everything while staying in the office must be hard. They may have reports and the possibility to investigate the scene afterwards, but nothing can replace first-hand experience.

“It has started.” Everyone turns their heads towards the guy standing in the door frame to their office. Behind him, people get up from their seats and stream towards the meeting room at the end of the middle hallway. Chan feels nervousness fill him again as they too get up and start to follow. He tries his best to stay right in between Kwangsun and Taehyung and readies himself for what he’s about to see.

[-]

Another empty room. Jungkook waits in the doorway while Bora dutifully but needlessly checks every part of the office. Not being able to rely on security cameras is a pain in the ass. Already about to tell Bora that they should move on, Jungkook is interrupted from a noise down the hallway. The rest of their unit is the opposite way. Maybe another unit?

“I think I heard something. I’m going to check.” It’s probably just one of their people anyways. Stray Kids are usually gone so quickly, chances are they aren’t even inside the building anymore. Jungkook keeps his gun ready nevertheless; you never know. Rounding the corner, Jungkook is met with a flash of pink. A mask. Jungkook doesn’t have time to think because he’s noticed right away. I.N immediately lifts his gun and yells something, probably a code, nothing Jungkook can make any sense of.

“Stop!” Jungkook shouts when I.N backs away. He’s about to fire a warning show when he finds himself a lot closer to the floor than he used to be. How? What happened? Why is he on his knees? The bang still echoes in Jungkook’s ears. Did he shoot? He looks up but I.N has already vanished. Where did he go? What’s going on? Jungkook looks down and sees red, not pink. Where is this coming from? Only gradually, he starts to feel the strange warmth in his left leg.

Blood. He’s bleeding?

Suddenly pain hits him. Fuck, what the hell? Jungkook’s thigh feels like it’s on fire. What’s happening? Is that really his blood? Jungkook thinks he hears a voice somewhere, but it doesn’t reach his brain. Before Jungkook can get any meaning out of it, there are hands on his body and he is hoisted up onto his legs. “Can you walk?”

“Yes.” Apparently not. Jungkook almost falls back onto the ground when he tries to take a step. Okay. Whatever happened, Jungkook can be sure that he’s injured. There’s no other explanation for that pain.

“Let’s get you out of here.” Bora puts Jungkook’s arm over her shoulder and shifts his weight onto herself before dragging him along, stumbling towards the entry. Every damn step sends another fire down Jungkook’s thigh. He still can’t seem to keep up with any of this. Where did the injury come from? How come he didn’t realize?

“What happened?” A blur passes over Jungkook’s eyes. He doesn’t realize it’s Jimin’s voice until his right arm is lifted and another person helps drag him out of the building. He lifts his head and is met with Jimin’s face next to him.

“He heard a noise and went to check. I.N shot him in the leg.”

Shot? Damnit, that makes sense.

“Fuck!” Frustration and worry drips from Jimin’s voice. Jungkook can’t help but feel guilty for making Jimin upset like that. He just wanted to check who caused that noise, none of them thought Stray Kids would still be here. When they finally make it outside, they’re immediately approached by members of the safety team.

“Bullet wound in the leg,” Jimin explains. “We have to get him into hospital.”

“This way.” The safety team member – Jungkook doesn’t have the mind to try and remember his name – guides them towards one of the ambulances and helps Jungkook onto the stretcher. Pain shoots through Jungkook when he lifts his leg up. So much more pain than before. He’s really been shot? Jungkook still has trouble keeping up with the events and believing the voices around him, but the pain definitely isn’t like anything he’s felt before. Someone helps him lift it onto the stretcher, Jungkook doesn’t register who it is, just feels another jolt of pain.

“Jungkook-ah, hey.” Jimin leans over him, stays still when the world around Jungkook starts moving. “Can you hear me?” Actually, Jungkook can’t hear anything but Jimin. Focusing on Jimin is the only way to get away from the pain and all the blurriness around him.

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Jungkook thinks he catches the hint of a smile before Jimin turns around, probably towards Bora again. “I’m going with him so you’re in charge now. Tell Hoseok and Wooyoung what happened.”

“Understood.” And off Bora is, not losing any time.

The doors close and paramedics start fussing over Jungkook. More pain shoots through Jungkook when one of the paramedics start working on stopping the bleeding. He still can’t keep up with what they’re doing; he doesn’t care either if they just get this pain to stop already. Jungkook tries to focus on Jimin to get his mind off the injury, but one of the paramedics soon starts asking Jungkook questions about what happened and about his condition. Jungkook takes a deep breath, tries to gather the pieces of his mind again and reply to the questions the best he can. He probably isn’t much of a help right now but it’s not like anyone else can answer for him.

Although Jimin is staying in the background, he’s a steady, comforting presence in the ambulance. When the paramedic is done asking questions and turns towards her colleague, Jungkook turns his head to look at Jimin. Despite the exhaustion on Jimin’s face, his eyes are stable, full of strength, like he’s still holding Jungkook up with just his gaze. Even with everything going on, Jungkook feels a bit more at ease just looking at Jimin. Having Jimin next to him both brings Jungkook closer and pushes him away from reality.

“How are you?” Jungkook asks, which would usually be such a casual question but inside an ambulance, it feels completely different. Putting it like that makes Jungkook feel ridiculous, but he means it. Seeing someone you’re responsible for wounded must be hard, especially since Jimin wasn’t present when everything happened.

Jimin snorts and shakes his head, not like Jungkook can blame him for the reaction. “You’re the one who got shot.”

“I’ve talked enough about that. So? How are you feeling, Lance Corporal Park?”

Sighing, Jimin leans a little closer to Jungkook, probably not wanting the paramedics to hear their conversation. “Horrible,” Jimin admits. “I was so worried when I saw Bora carrying you. It looked really bad.”

“Worried?” Jimin was worried? About him? Somehow the thought feels so surreal to Jungkook. It had never seemed liked Jimin particularly cared about him, at least not beyond the professional amount.

“Yeah.” For a moment Jungkook thinks he’s dreaming, because Jimin suddenly reaches out and takes Jungkook’s hand into his own. They don’t say anything, just look at each other, but it’s enough to make Jungkook’s heart starts to race again. Considering his current state, that’s definitely suboptimal, but he can’t help himself. This is Jimin after all. Jimin is worth every bit of blood loss. Jungkook feels like he should say something, ask Jimin why they’re holding hands or why Jimin is looking at him with a fondness that melts Jungkook’s heart. But before Jungkook’s brain can provide him with the right words the ambulance comes to a halt and the doors swing open. Jimin lets go of Jungkook’s hand when the stretcher is pulled out, but he follows close behind it.

Distantly, Jungkook thinks he should be more concerned about the bullet possibly still stuck in his leg rather than the warmth of Jimin’s hand still present in his palm. But he’s had an eye on Jimin since his first day at the DIT three years ago, so can you really blame him?

[-]

I.N breaks apart as soon as they’re inside the house. He seems to barely remember to set his backpack down before he lets himself fall to the floor and starts to cry. Changbin quickly puts his own backpack aside before crouching down next to I.N “What’s wrong?” Something must have happened. Missions always leave them irritated and exhausted, but crying is unusual, especially like this. The last time someone had cried was when they left without Chan and Kkul.

“I… I-“ I.N sobs, unable to continue speaking. The poor kid can barely get any sounds out. And his entire body is shaking. What the hell happened?

“He had to shoot at somebody,” Mirror whispers just loud enough for Changbin to hear while crouching down next to them. It takes a moment for Changbin to process those words. Even when they’re on a mission, I.N really doesn’t seem like a person who would shoot at anyone. Judging by his reaction, I.N himself cannot belief what he did.

“I.Nie.” Mirror’s voice is quiet and gentle in a way Changbin hadn’t heard before. It feels so foreign to see them like this when Mirror and I.N are usually easy going and joke around together. Very carefully, Mirror comes closer to I.N, tries to catch his attention. “I.Nie, you aimed at the legs, didn’t you?”

“I-” I.N nods. “I aimed beside him but I-” His sobs intensify and he hides his face in his hands, almost like he’s ashamed to be seen. “I only w-wanted to scare him so we- so we could run away. But suddenly there was blood and-” Another sob breaks through his words.

Changbin hates how helpless he is, how little he can do to help I.N. Not having been present when the incident happened, he can’t provide any words of comfort the way Mirror does. All he can do is try his best to be there for I.N. “Do you want a hug?” Changbin feels almost stupid for offering this. It feels so trivial and out of place when I.N is having a breakdown over injuring another human, but if I.N finds any comfort in hugs he should get one.

I.N nods before all but throwing himself into Changbin’s arms. Changbin pulls him close and lets I.N cry into his shoulder. Hoping to get some answers, he looks up at Mirror. Because they had split up, he has no idea what happened to I.N, Mirror and DaN’s group.

“I’m sorry, I should have paid more attention.” Changbin’s eyes widen at Mirror’s words. Out of all the possibilities, Changbin would have never guessed for Mirror to apologise. “You shouldn’t have had to shoot in the first place. It’s my responsibility that we’re not discovered.”

“Please don’t beat yourself up.” Changbin reaches out and takes Mirror’s hand. Mirror seems a bit taken aback by the gesture, but gifts Changbin with a weak smile nonetheless. “Both of you did your best. We’re talking about a really difficult situation.” Mirror looks down but nods hesitantly; his grip around Changbin’s hand tightens a little.

“I.N, how about we practice shooting together?” Changbin offers after a beat of silence. “I know it’s difficult after what happened, but you need to improve your aim to prevent something like this. Until you feel safe shooting again, I’m sure the others will take care of that.”

“Would that be okay?” I.N carefully pulls away and looks between Changbin and Mirror.

“Of course, I.Nie,” Mirror confirms. “I’ll talk to DaN later. We can handle this.”

Still crying a bit, I.N turns to hug Mirror. Changbin uses the quiet moment to look around them. Apparently, the others decided to give them some space and go upstairs already, which Changbin is grateful for. The last thing I.N needs right now is spectators. After a moment, I.N pulls away from Mirror and starts furiously wiping his tears away.

“I have a question,” he mumbles, still sniffing. “How do you want to practice shooting with me?”

“Oh right, I should have mentioned that we have a shooting range here. Over there, actually” Changbin explains, not being able to help the little smile spreading over his face while he points at the door next to them .

“What?” Mirror looks as though Changbin had just confessed that there was a pink unicorn waiting on the other side of the wall. “Why would you have a shooting range down here?”

“To practice shooting.”

They share a blank stare. Next to them I.N bursts into a fit of giggles. Even though Changbin wasn’t trying to make I.N laugh, he’s definitely happy to have managed that. It feels like the sun suddenly peeking out between dark clouds to see I.N in a slightly better mood again.

“You can come here after school, or whenever you’re free. I have nowhere else to be.” Changbin eventually offers. “If you want, I can talk to Lee Know and come with you, DaN, and Mirror from now on. I’m sure we’ll find a way to make it all work.”

I.N nods and wipes the last bit of moisture away from his cheeks. “Thanks, you two.” A smile blooms on his face as he looks at them. Changbin and Mirror say their respective “You’re welcome” before helping I.N to his feet and going to look for the others together.

[-]

The meeting is mind-numbing as always. So many numbers and details that none of them is going to convey to their respective units anyways. That in addition to the same sequence of events Stray Kids always has. Younghyun would be annoyed, but he knows this is a necessity. Though usually Sergeant Park is… calmer. Today he seems more tense than usual. Maybe something did happen?

“Unfortunately, Stray Kids have escaped again,” Sergeant Park announces with a stern voice. So everything went as usual after all? “However, we know that they were still present at the crime scene when we arrived. A member of the battle team – Private Jeon Jungkook, unit A – has been wounded during an encounter with I.N.”

Oh god. Immediately, murmuring and whispering fills the room. Now that Younghyun looks around, he realizes that Jimin isn’t at the meeting. He must be at the hospital with Jungkook then. Hopefully it isn’t a severe injury.

“We have no information on whether I.N has been wounded too.” Sergeant Park’s voice has become louder, rings over the commotion in the room and makes everyone pay attention again. “I would like the investigation team to pay special attention to any signs for that. The report is complete. You may ask questions now.”

“How is Private Jeon doing?” A Lance Corporal of the investigation team yells over the noise that has erupted in the meeting room once again.

“So far, we haven’t received an update from Lance Corporal Park. But the injury does not seem to be life threatening. You’ll be updated on the situation as soon as we know more.”

More murmuring fills the room. Younghyun doubts anyone is still listening to Sergeant Park closing the meeting, saying that aside from the injury there were no special occurrences and so on. As soon as the meeting ends, Younghyun pushes past the others and makes his way out into the hallway. Almost automatically, he leaves their division’s rooms and goes up the fire escape staircase to the small rooftop at the westside of the building. His personal little hide out with the best view in the entire DIT. Younghyun takes a deep breath before pulling out his phone. After he dials and presses the phone against his ear, the usual wait follows while Liam gets up from his desk, goes into the hallway, to the old copy room and he’s there.

“Hey, babe. Are you okay?” It’s so lovely just hearing Liam’s voice, especially after a mission when Younghyun feels numb and tired. Hearing Liam feels like getting wrapped up in a warm blanket.

“Hey,” Younghyun mutters. “Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“Do you know who was injured yet?”

Younghyun looks out into the distance, over the buildings down the street, none of which are tall enough for anyone there to see him on the rooftop. This place feels so at peace it’s hard to believe this is actually part of the DIT. “He’s from the battle team. One of Bam’s friends.”

“Will he make it?”

“Most likely yeah. But I should still be there for Bambam now.” The realisation hits Younghyun like a punch in the face. “Fuck, I’ll have to tell him one of his best friends is in hospital.” Shit, how is he supposed to do that? Bambam probably doesn’t know what’s up yet. And they don’t have any real information on Jungkook’s condition.

“Okay calm down. You can do it. Just be careful and be there for your unit. Let them know that it’s okay to be shocked and take their time to process everything.”

“Right,” Younghyun mutters. “Maybe I should offer Bambam to drive him to the hospital.”

“Good idea, I’m sure he’d appreciate that.” Liam’s voice is a bit softer now. Younghyun can’t help but smile, already knowing what’s to come. “What about you? Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Stressed and exhausted, but okay. I’ll live. Pinkie swear.” Smiling, he lifts his pinkie into the air. In another corner of the city, Liam is doing the same right now, Younghyun knows it.

“Pinkie swear.” The smile on Liam’s face is bright enough to be heard through the phone. Younghyun can see it in his mind as though Liam is right in front of him. It warms Younghyun’s heart just from thinking about it.

“What do you think of pizza for dinner?” Liam asks.

“A lot.” Younghyun hadn’t realized how hungry he was, and the prospect of pizza is great motivation for making it through the rest of the day.

“Great, then I’ll get us pizza when I’m done here. You be your amazing self and go take care of your unit. I’ll see you at home.”

Younghyun closes his eyes, just enjoys those words. Even after all those years, the last sentence still makes Younghyun feel fuzzy and warm. Home. He has a home with Liam. “See you at home.” After the call ends and Younghyun’s phone is back in his pocket, he allows himself another deep breath of fresh air before rushing downstairs and to his unit’s room. Talking to Liam is like getting a fresh battery. He always knows exactly what to say to give Younghyun strength.

[-]

Changbin never thought knocking on Jisung’s door could be this hard. They’ve been friends for years, it’s ridiculous for him to be a nervous wreck just thinking about talking to Jisung. He was so upset after their fight… Hurting Jisung was really the last thing Changbin wanted and it’s horrible that this is hanging over them like a storm cloud now. Since Changbin asked Jisung if he’s happy with Lee Know, Jisung has been avoiding Changbin like the plague. They haven’t talked one bit beyond what was required for the mission. Things cannot stay this way. They need to talk about what happened. Or rather Changbin needs to get his shit together and apologise for overstepping Jisung’s boundaries. After another moment of mental preparation, Changbin finally knocks.

Jisung is half sitting half lying on his bed and watching videos on his phone when Changbin enters. His expression stays frozen when he looks at Changbin over his phone. As happy and adorable as Jisung can be most of the time, he’s kind of scary when he’s angry. It’s also very clear Jisung isn’t planning on giving Changbin more attention than is absolutely necessary. The phone stays right there in his hand and he doesn’t even bother greeting Changbin, but Changbin isn’t going to let that stop him.

“Can we talk?”

“If we have to.”

Changbin just barely holds back a sigh. He really should have expected a reply like that. Jisung can be as cold as ice when he wants to. “Jisung, I’m here to apologise.” Luckily, that seems to do the trick since Jisung finally puts his phone aside and sits up.

“I’m listening.”

Changbin sits down on the bed across from Jisung. The fact that Jisung is actually looking at him now doesn’t make this easier. His expression doesn’t let any bit of emotion show and now that he isn’t holding his phone anymore, he has his arms crossed in front of his chest. “I’m sorry for asking all those stupid questions the other day. I shouldn’t have doubted Lee Know’s feelings for you like that. As your friend I should support you instead of getting caught up in my imagination. If you’re content with your relationship then I’m happy for you.”

“Things are going great between me and Lee Know. I wouldn’t want to change a thing.” Finally, Jisung doesn’t seem quite as hostile anymore. He even smiles a little bit. “Thanks for the apology. Even though it feels like you should apologise to Lee Know rather than me. Hyung, you really need to learn to trust him.”

Trusting him… Changbin doesn’t know if he can really do that. Jisung may be convinced but Changbin isn’t. Something about Lee Know’s behaviour is off. Changbin has to respect Jisung’s decision, that doesn’t mean he has to like it or even consider it good. “That’s difficult. I barely know him…”

“Yeah, Lee Know is a tough nut to crack,” Jisung admits with a smile. “But he’s worth the effort, not just because of me. Plus, if we want to work together as a team you need to trust Lee Know as a leader.”

“I’ll try my best.” Changbin honestly doesn’t know how he’s supposed to do that. Chan has always been their leader. Suddenly taking orders from someone else is… weird. But Jisung is right, he needs to be more open about the new situation. He never gave Lee Know a proper chance to prove himself. Lee Know may be questionable as a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad leader too.

Jisung smiles and shifts closer towards Changbin. “Pinkie swear?” Seeing the usual bright smile on Jisung’s face already makes all the struggling worthwhile. For Jisung, Changbin can make an effort to trust Lee Know.

Smiling, Changbin accepts the pinkie Jisung offers him. “Pinkie swear.”

[-]

“Welcome back,” Mark greets Younghyun as soon as he enters the room. Everyone is gathered around the table, getting their well-deserved rest after the mission. “Everything as usual?”

“Let me guess,” Bambam joins in. “Stray Kids escaped without a trace, but the investigation team is going to do their best to find anything.” His voice is straight up theatrical as he says the last half of the sentence.

Younghyun wishes he could just agree and joke around with them, but sadly that’s not the case today. “Not quite, no.” Jisu immediately sits up straight, alerted despite not having been there during the mission. Everyone else seems to have noticed the shift in mood too and turns their full attention to Younghyun. It’s probably best not to beat around the bush, just rip the band aid off. “Jungkook has been injured-”

All colour drains from Bambam’s face. “What?” He looks like he wants to say something, like a thousand questions are running through his head, trying to beat each other for the finish line but ending up tripping over themselves right in front of it. Everyone is focused on Bambam now, they all know how close Bambam and Jungkook are.

“We don’t know what exactly happened, but Sergeant Park said the injury isn’t life threatening.” Younghyun tries to clear things up a little. The atmosphere in their room stays tense nonetheless, which was to be expected.

“Can we see him?”

“I don’t know. There hasn’t been any update yet,” Younghyun admits. “But if you want, I can drive you to the hospital.”

“Our shift-” Bambam starts.

“Screw the shift.” Mark’s words seem to be exactly what everyone in the room had been thinking. They all nod along, even their workaholic Jisu. “You’re in no condition to work anyways.”

“Agreed,” Younghyun says. “This must be a shock. You should take your time now.”

Bambam nods. “Did someone go with Kook?”

“Yeah, Jimin is with him.” At least Younghyun can provide a bit of comfort in that regard. Jungkook isn’t alone. He is being cared for and supported.

“Okay…” Bambam still looks lost. And worried. Younghyun probably can’t even begin to imagine what he must feel like right now.

“Do you want us to come to the hospital with you?” Yubin offers. Her talent to stay calm in the most difficult situations has always fascinated Younghyun. Though right now, he’s grateful above everything else.

“I don’t think I can wait there. I’d go crazy.” Bambam leans back in his chair. He seems to get lost in his thoughts as soon as he stops talking.

“Maybe you can call Jimin and ask him to keep you updated?” Jisu’s voice sounds a little weird; her tone isn’t usually this tense. When Younghyun looks over at her, he can’t help but notice how irritated she seems. He really should have paid better attention to her instead of only focusing on Bambam. After all she’s still new to this and hearing about someone being injured must be a shock. It’s one thing to know their job is dangerous, but the reality of it usually doesn’t hit for newbies until something like this happens.

“That’s a great idea, Jisu.” Younghyun’s words make her smile a little, but it’s obvious the situation has taken a toll on her. It would probably be best to talk to her in private later on and make sure she’s doing fine.

Bambam nods absentmindedly before turning towards Mark. “It’s been way too long since we went out for a drink.” Definitely not the best way to handle this. But Bambam is an adult and at least he isn’t drinking alone.

“Sounds great, we can call Yugyeom and the others too if you want.”

“Yeah.” Bambam gives him a weak smile before turning towards the rest of the group. “Thanks everyone.”

[-]

Felix is snuggled up in a blanket on the windowsill of the bay window in his room, eyes looking out into the garden without really seeing anything when a knock rips him out of his thoughts. “Come on in.”

It’s Minho – obviously. “We have to talk.” Fuck, something’s wrong. Having to talk is never a good thing. Felix throws another wistful gaze out of the window before turning his attention back to Minho and gesturing for him to come over. Part of him wishes he would have slipped out of the room before Minho closed the door behind himself. Whatever it’s about, Felix is really not keen on having this conversation if Minho uses that tone paired with the serious look on his face.

“So what’s up with that necklace?” Minho’s voice is stern, and his face has that cold, professional expression as he sits down on the windowsill too. Felix really should have left when he still had the chance. He remains quiet, just looks at the pendant resting on top of his shirt. "Why is it so important?” Minho continues. “You wear it all the time, even during training. I saw the chain peak out from underneath your collar. I’m guessing you wear it during our missions too?" Having the feeling that Minho already knows the answer, Felix quietly looks up at his brother. A single look at Minho confirms Felix’s fear. Sighing, Minho shakes his head. “I keep telling everyone to leave personal stuff at home during missions and you bring this necklace?”

“I have it under my clothes. And even if I lose it, it’s not like I can be identified through it. I didn’t buy it myself, Hyung. It’s fine.” Felix tries his best to sound convincing, but it sounds like a hollow explanation when their safety is at stake. Minho looks beyond annoyed, which is understandable. Wearing that necklace is stupid and Felix knows it, but Felix can’t help it.

“Then who?” Felix knows Minho isn’t going to be happy when he finds out. And he really doesn’t want to elaborate on the circumstances, but Minho will figure out who gave him the necklace anyways.

“Nine.”

Minho sighs as though he expected this but had hoped for a different answer. It was painfully obvious though. Afterall, who but Chris would give Felix a necklace? And whose gifts would Felix cling to like this? It’s not like Felix has a lot of close relationships outside of Stray Kids. "I know what you think," Felix mumbles. "And I know what you want to say, but I won't get rid of it and you can't make me."

"I wasn't going to make you get rid of it." Minho's voice is suddenly heavy with emotion and so gentle. It’s like all the annoyance melted away and left only the core of worry. Sadly, this keeps happening lately. Minho has so much else to do already, Felix hates that he’s another burden to him. "I'm just worried about you. Having a memory of Nine with you all the time, I just don’t think it will do you any good. If you... if you want me to watch over it for you, I will."

“No, I…” Felix only now realises he’s been fumbling with the pendant. “I want to keep it close to myself.” He almost adds ‘It’s comforting’ but stops himself. Even though Minho wouldn’t ask any further question, the meaning of this necklace is between him and Chris. "I’d like to be alone now." Felix is almost taken aback by how drained he sounds. He wishes he could convince himself it was just because of the mission.

Minho nods and gets up from his spot. “You know you can always come to me if you need anything, right?”

“Yeah.” Minho ruffles through Felix’s hair before he heads out. Felix takes a deep breath and turns towards the garden again. As much as he appreciates Minho’s worry, he definitely won’t leave the necklace at home during missions. It’s ridiculous, but Felix feels safe when he’s wearing the necklace. Almost like Chris has his back, just like in the good old times.

[-]

The wait is beyond agonising. Jimin swallows around the lump in his throat and rubs his hands over his tired face. He can’t help all the pictures flooding his mind. The blood, Jungkook practically hanging off of Bora, the way his face twisted in pain. This isn’t the first time Jimin has seen someone get injured and things can get far worse than being shot in the leg in their job. But this feels different. Jungkook is part of his unit. In a way, Jimin is responsible for him and the others. He should have watched over them more closely, told them to be careful even though Stray Kids usually aren’t present anymore when they arrive. Jimin is well aware of how ridiculous it is to think that way. Everyone in his unit knows what they have to do without instruction. And it’s definitely best for him to stay close to Wooyoung until he has a bit more experience. Still, Jimin cannot shake off the feeling of guilt lingering in his stomach.

Jimin takes a deep breath and tries to push all the negative thoughts aside. Jungkook is going to be fine. Everything is going to be alright. Jimin can’t let those negative thoughts get to him if he wants to keep going. And he needs to keep going. Unable to stay still any longer, Jimin gets up from his seat and starts walking through the hallway. He’s still in full amour, which he had totally forgotten about until now. Sighing, he takes off his helmet and gloves and runs his hand through his hair. Jimin feels sweaty and tired after the mission. Actually, disgusting and exhausted are probably the more accurate terms. A shower and some regular clothes would be great now, but he cannot leave. In a way, Jimin feels like he owes Jungkook to stay here and wait. Jungkook shouldn’t be alone when he wakes up and in case any of his family comes here, they shouldn’t be left alone chasing after a doctor to give them any sort of information on what happened.

It’s hard to tell how much time passes, but it feels like days to Jimin. He tries to chat with a few other people passing here and there but the conversations never last long. Sleeping isn’t an option either since he needs to be awake when there’s new information about Jungkook. So he waits. And waits. And waits… It takes ages, but eventually Jimin is approached by a nurse.

“Did you accompany Private Jeon Jungkook?”

Jimin scrambles to his feet immediately. He almost trips over himself in his hurry but fortunately manages to end up stable on his feet. “Yes. Is he okay? Can I see him?”

A light smile forms on the nurse’s face. Damn, Jimin really needs to get a grip. He and Jungkook are colleagues. Nothing more, nothing less. Jimin needs to behave accordingly.

“Everything went well,” she reassures Jimin. The tension that had been building up inside of Jimin until now slowly gives way to relief. “He’s currently in the recovery room and should be back in shape in a few weeks.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” Okay, screw getting a grip. Who cares what the nurse thinks as long as Jungkook is alright. “Can you inform me when he’s awake? I’m required to talk to him and find out how exactly he was injured.”

“Of course.”

Jimin thanks the nurse and sits down again as soon as she walks away to continue her shift. Exhaustion had been pulling at Jimin way more than he had realised. Now that he has more peace of mind, he really needs to watch out that it doesn’t lull him to sleep. He needs to at least see Jungkook before he can rest. If Jimin has made it until now, he can stay awake long enough to greet Jungkook after his operation. And ask for the details for the report of course.

“Hyung!” Wooyoung’s voice has never felt like such of a blessing before. Jimin waves tiredly as Wooyoung, Bora, and Hoseok come towards him and take up the seats next to his own. “How is Jungkook?”

“He’s alright. The operation was successful and according to the nurse I just talked to, Jungkook will have recovered in a couple of weeks.”

Jimin can clearly see the moment the realisation hits his unit, because it seems like a ton of weight was lifted off of each of them. The tension leaves their bodies and careful smiles take over their faces.

“Where is he?” Bora asks. “I need to have a serious word with him about the dangers of running off too far all by himself.” After the hell of a day they had, seeing his unit laugh again feels like heaven to Jimin.

“That will have to wait,” Jimin explains. “He’s still in the recovery room.”

“Guess it’s time to go home then.” Wooyoung looks disappointed. All of them are, Jimin knows that. Of course, they had been hoping to see Jungkook and talk to him after everything that’s happened. It’s one thing to know that he’s okay, but seeing it first hand would still feel better.

“You can go home. I’ll give Jungkook your regards,” Jimin offers.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to stay here and wait?” Gosh, Jimin sure wishes he could tell Hoseok that no, of course not, he’s going to be a reasonable person and visit Jungkook tomorrow. But Jimin is not planning on being reasonable with this. “It might take hours until Jungkook is in his room and even then, he’ll be sleeping.”

“Your point?”

“My point-” Hoseok sighs- “is that you need to go home, take a shower and sleep. You look like you went through a grinder.”

“You’re one to talk.” It’s true, all of them look exhausted after today. They always do after missions. Though unlike the countless other times they’ve joked around, Hoseok doesn’t seem to appreciate the joke. “Thank you very much. But I don’t want Jungkook to be alone when he wakes up.”

“If you want one of us can take over,” Bora suggests. Both Hoseok and Wooyoung nod in agreement. As much as Jimin appreciates their offer – and their worry about him – he doesn’t want any of them to take his spot. He’s the Lance Corporal of this unit. It’s his responsibility to watch after everyone and care for their wellbeing. At least that’s what Jimin tells himself, that it’s because of his job and not because of Jungkook in particular.

“That’s very nice of you guys but I can’t accept that. I want to be there for Jungkook.”

“Don’t tell me you feel guilty for what happened?” Sometimes it seems like Hoseok can read his damn mind. Logically speaking, it’s probably the five years of working together, but still.

Wooyoung’s eyes widen when Jimin doesn’t reply. “Jimin-ah, that’s ridiculous,” he joins in. “Jungkook knew what he was doing. It’s not your fault he was injured.”

“I know that, but it doesn’t change anything. No matter what you guys say, I won’t go home until I’ve talked to Jungkook. You’re free to join me if you want.”

Wooyoung wants to protest again but Bora stops him with a hand on his arm. Jimin is glad she realises that he can’t be talked out of staying here because it saves him a lot of talking. “Is there any other way we can help?”

“You can call Bambam. He and a few others called me to ask about Jungkook. I think they all went out together to distract themselves while waiting. Just tell Bambam that the operation went well and Jungkook will be fine, he’ll spread the news.”

“Roger that,” Bora sighs, getting up from her chair and starting to fish for her phone in her handbag while walking down the hallway.

“So dinner?” Jimin turns around to find Wooyoung looking at him. “I’m pretty sure they have a cafeteria or something like that here. I can check if they’re still open.”

The look in Wooyoung’s eyes already tells Jimin he won’t accept a no. He can’t even blame Wooyoung for that since he knows he’d do exactly the same if their positions were reversed.

“Yeah, dinner would be great.”

“On my way,” Wooyoung chimes. He immediately gets up and hurries away. Already halfway down the hallway, he turns around and continues to walk backwards. “And don’t even think of giving me money. It’s on me.”

Jimin laughs but gives Wooyoung a thumbs up nonetheless.

“So.” Hoseok slides over to the seat right next to Jimin. Something already tells Jimin he’s up to no good. “You’re staying here because you don’t want Kook to be alone when he wakes up?”

That tone. What’s up with Hoseok’s tone? He sounds so smug, like there’s some sort of secret involved. Fucking shit.

Jimin sighs. “How about you skip whatever detour you were going to take and just tell me what you’re trying to get at.”

“You like Jungkook.”

Hoseok sounds so convinced, Jimin can’t help but burst out laughing. “What?” How did Hoseok get to that conclusion? Are people not allowed to care for their colleagues anymore? Just because he tries to be there for Jungkook he’s bound to have romantic feelings for him?

“I’ve had my suspicions before,” Hoseok explains with a smile. “But today confirmed it.”

Jimin snorts and shakes his head. He needs to get Hoseok away from this theory somehow. “Because I don’t want him to be alone?”

“Because you’re dead set on staying right by his side and taking care of him. Come on, I’m not dumb.”

“Debatable.” Hoseok rolls his eyes, which makes Jimin grin. “But you’re wrong about this. Jungkook is my colleague and my friend. That’s it.”

Hoseok’s face turns into a playful scowl when he leans closer. “You sure?”

“Absolutely sure.” Despite Jimin’s words, Hoseok doesn’t seem to quite believe him. Though apparently, he realised that he’s not getting anywhere with this, so he switches to a different topic. Soon Bora returns from her phone call and tells them how relieved Bambam and the others were to hear that Jungkook is fine. A bit later Wooyoung returns with food for Jimin and drinks for all of them. With dinner and chattering and all, Jimin loses track of how long they sit together like that. When it eventually gets late, everyone tries to convince Jimin to leave with them. Jimin refuses once again and tries his best to ignore the smug look Hoseok gives him. Who cares what Hoseok thinks anyways? Jimin knows he isn’t staying here because he has a crush on Jungkook. He just wants to be there for a colleague and friend.

[-]

Felix leans against the window. His legs are folded against his chest and he's still staring at the pendant in his hands while tracing it with his fingers. He hasn’t taken the necklace off even once since he got it. Felix wore it during training, during missions, even in the shower. Back when Chris was still with them, whenever Felix would adjust the necklace or take off his shirt, revealing the necklace around his neck, Chris would always have the warmest of smiles on his face. There was always something so soft about the way Chris would wrap his arms around Felix’s waist, pull him closer and kiss him. The necklace has always been their thing, their promise.

"I have something for you." Chris whispered. Until now, Felix had been drawing little circles and curves on Chris’ warm skin with his index finger. Feeling curious, he lifted his head from Chris' chest to look at him.

"A kiss?"

“That too if you want, but it’s not what I meant. Wait and see.” God, Chris is so sweet to get him a present just like that. Felix could feel a smile tugging at the corners of his lips while Chris shifted closer towards his nightstand. Chris was smiling too when he opened the top drawer and took out a small, shallow box. It was dark blue with a golden string around it – the colours of Felix’s mask. That detail might have seemed small, but it felt so personal and considerate it filled Felix with warmth already. He sat up and straddled Chris’ lap before accepting the box. Chris brought his hand up to Felix’s thighs, tracing little patterns on his skin the way Felix had done with him before. Smiling, Felix pulled at the golden cord. More as teasing than actual hesitation, Felix allowed himself a moment of looking at Chris rather than taking off the lid. It was almost unreal how good Chris looked just leaning back against the headrest shirtless and with tousled silver coloured hair.

Chris smiled and scratched the side of his neck. “What?” It was cute how easily he got shy.

“Nothing,” Felix muttered. “Just appreciating how breath-taking my boyfriend is.”

“Ahh no.” Chris immediately covered his face with his hands, but it didn’t hide how red his ears got. No matter how many times it happened, Chris just couldn’t seem to get used to compliments, which was adorable. Felix loved complimenting his boyfriend and seeing the mixture of embarrassment and feeling loved and flattered. He carefully put the box aside and leaned closer.

“Don’t hide, please.” Chris peeked at him through his fingers. “You won’t be able to see my reaction if you keep covering your face.” That seemed to do the trick. After Chris put his hands aside again, Felix placed a kiss on Chris’ cheek, picked up the box again and finally removed the lid.

The first look inside the box made Felix’s heart skip a beat. On top of an elegant looking black padding lay a small golden pendant attached to a delicate golden chain. The pendant consisted of a thin ring with a star stretching over its middle. It was a compass. “Chris…” Felix looked at his boyfriend again, basked in the happy glow in Chris’ eyes. “Chris, it’s beautiful.”

With a bright smile on his face, Chris pushed himself up on his arms and came closer to Felix. “You like it?”

“Like it? I love it!” Felix slung his arms around Chris’ neck and kissed him over and over and over again. They almost tumbled over and fell back onto the bed; Chris just barely caught them before they could lose their balance. Their kisses slowly gave way to soft giggles. “Thank you so much…”

“Do you want me to help you put it on?” Chris’ voice was low and husky, the way it tended to get when they were making love. Judging by the little smirk on his plump lips, Chris knew exactly what he was doing to Felix by talking like that. It was rare for Chris to intentionally try to be sexy. Most of the time, it happened unintentionally and especially when they were training together. He would brush his hair back, groan while they were stretching or look at Felix with an intensity that knocked the breath out of Felix’s lungs and generally be the hottest person on earth without even trying.

“Yes please,” Felix confirmed with a smile. Chris picked up the necklace and leaned closer, which made Felix’s heart race. Yes, Chris definitely knew what kind of effect he had on Felix. There was no other explanation for this.

“Do you want to know why I picked a compass?” Chris murmured while closing the clasp and adjusting the necklace around Felix’s neck. His voice was like molten chocolate, his breath like a warm summer breeze as it fanned across Felix’s skin before Chris kissed Felix’s cheek.

“Why?” It was surprising Felix could even get out a straight word considering how lost he was gazing into Chris’ eyes. Everything about Chris was just so mesmerizing. Felix could never seem to get enough of him.

Chris took a deep breath and met Felix’s gaze. Somehow, Felix got the feeling that whatever Chris was about to say had been very well thought through. Just that idea made Felix’s heart beat even faster. "Because you’re the North Pole and I’m the needle.” Chris whispered. His voice was so filled with emotion Felix almost couldn’t bear it. “I'm always drawn to you. No matter how far apart we are, I will always find the way to you."

It felt like the world came to a stop. Rapid beating filled Felix’s ears as he opened his mouth but couldn’t find any words to say. He tried a few times but eventually resorted to throwing his arms around Chris’ neck and hugging him tightly. Chris held him close as though he was a precious treasure to be protected. It was fascinating how Chris always made Felix feel so warm and loved, like he was the centre of Chris’ world. Considering his earlier words, maybe Felix was.

Tears fill Felix’s eyes, just like back then. But now Chris isn’t there to card a hand through his hair and mutter “I love you.” into his ear. Felix’s arms are empty. His heart aches, but it’s not the lovely pain from back then. Gulping, Felix locks his hand around the pendant and closes his eyes. “I love you too,” Felix whispers into the silence of his room. “I love you so much.”

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