#it apart or 5 years of therapy or the rest of our lives of me showing you how much I care

[yuripira4e]

SHUT THE FUCK UPPP WE ARE COMMUNICATING NOW I LOVE YOU AND WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS YOU ASSHOLE is such a trope tbh

[imyourbratzdoll]

Hello my beautiful bubs💗 so I see you added Max Burnett to your list and like to request a little angsty and fluff. 

So Maybe him and reader get into a ugly and heated argument or he leaves her with no explanation like he does in the movie but then they End up fixing everything after awhile. 

hey baby! I hope you like what I wrote!

summary - max left you with a word, causing you to go through many stages of heartbreak until you finally meet again after 5 years.

warning - angst, swearing, heartbreak, no happy ending.

the gif I use isn't mine, divider by @newlips and @firefly-graphics

He told you to meet him here. You were sure of it. You had reread the address and time he sent, not wanting to disappoint him. You waited anxiously on the bed, gnawing your bottom lip as you whipped your head from the door to your phone. You turned it on and went to the messages, opening his contact.

Max❤: Meet me at our spoken place, you know what room. No, later than 12.

You looked at the time, noting it was now an hour past 12, and you were all alone. You scrolled through the messages you had sent him.

You: I’m here. 12:00 seen

You: Max? Where are you? 12:05 seen

You: Max? 12:15 seen

You stared sadly at your last message.

You: I see… You’re not coming… 1:00 message could not be delivered

You blinked back the tears, wondering if you would’ve seen the signs beforehand if you weren’t so stupidly in love. You would’ve rathered him break things off face to face instead of leaving you like this. Did he even care about you? Were you nothing to him? All these thoughts ran through your head as you stared at the wall, not bothering to wipe the tears that rolled down your cheek away. You must’ve been there for a long time because you were only brought out of your zoned-out state when someone entered the room, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder and asking if you were okay. You painfully smiled, nodding your head before leaving. You made your way home, feeling drained of all emotion, not knowing if you’ll ever feel okay again. 

You slowly stripped from your clothes, turned the shower on and entered. Your head rested against the cool tile, letting the water run down your body as tears fell from your eyes. Your heart hurt more than ever, squeezing harshly inside your chest as if someone had reached inside and begun to squeeze. Your sobs filled the quietness of your apartment, showing you how alone you really were. Once you were finished with your shower, you slowly got out and dried yourself, dressing in your comfy clothes before crawling into your bed, ignoring the harsh rumbles in your stomach, begging for food, ignoring the dryness of your throat. You just wanted to close your eyes and never wake again. 

It had been about five years since Max left you without a goodbye and a shattered heart. You spent the first year numb, barely living or feeling anything. Your friends and family didn’t see or hear from you, and when they did, they noticed that you barely took care of yourself. They tried convincing you to go to therapy, but you stared at them blankly. Barely even hearing a word they spoke to you.

The second year, you spent grieving. Your feelings came crashing down on you one day, and you couldn’t stop the dam from breaking. You’d cry whenever you saw something that reminded you of him, and you’d cry if you saw his name or someone who looked like him. You’d cry when you came home and saw things he had gifted you or the jumper he had left behind. The people in your life were still worried, but they were relieved you were at least feeling something now, taking more care of yourself than the previous year. 

And now we are here. For the remaining years, you became cold, heartless, and mean. You had built walls so damn high around your heart that no one could penetrate it. This is what caused the meeting you walked into. Your friends and family sat in your loungeroom as you walked into your apartment, staring at you worriedly. Throwing excuses that they care about you, they're worried about your well-being, and that you need to get help. You left, slamming the door behind you and heading to the closet bar. You sat on the stool and ordered a whiskey, needing something strong. You barely took notice of the man sitting beside you, rolling your eyes as other seats were available.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you drink whiskey.” You scowled, knowing who was now sitting beside you by the voice. Max smirked, leaning against the counter. “What, no hug?” You skulled the rest of your drink, slamming the glass down before slowly turning toward him, noticing the smug look on his face. 

You smirk, causing his brows to furrow as confusion takes over his features before you raise your fist and slam it into his face, hearing the crunch of his nose. You slam some bills down onto the counter and begin to walk off, exiting the bar to get as far away from that asshole as possible. You rolled your eyes, clenching your jaw, when you heard him following behind you. “Hey! Wait up!” You don’t. You just pick up your pace until he grabs hold of your arm and spins you, quickly raising his hands as you go to punch him again. “I just want to talk.”

“Talk?” You growl, stepping closer to the man. “Now you just want to talk? After five fucking years, you finally want to fucking talk?!” You scream, punching his chest until he grabs your wrists and stares at you. You huff, glaring at him. “I don’t want to talk, Max. I want you to fuck off. I want to return to five years ago and get the shattered pieces of my heart back.” You lick your lips, “I want to go back to before I met you so that I could have never met you and fallen for your stupid words and your stupid face. I want to be me again, but guess what? I can’t! Because I fell for you.”

He raises a brow, gulping as he continues to stare at you. He took in how beautiful you had gotten and how your sweet scent wafted through the air and into his nose. He missed you and feels it’s too late to make it up to you, but god, he will try his hardest too. “Are you done?” 

“Let me go, you asshole.” You growl. You wouldn’t let him back in. You couldn’t. You don’t know if you’ll survive another heartbreak and aren’t willing to try.

“Just listen to me, okay? I’ve been looking for you for five years.” You scoff, rolling your eyes at his words. “It’s true, goddamit, Y/n! Will you just fucking listen to me.” 

“Or what? What are you going to do, huh? What’s worse than you pretending to fucking love me and then leaving me without so much of a word?” Your glare sharpens, desperately wanting to get far away from him. 

“For fuck sake! I didn’t pretend to fucking love you! I still fucking love you! I didn’t have a fucking choice, okay?!” Your brows furrow, wondering what the fuck he means by that. Max sighs. “They were onto you and me. They threatened to hurt you if I met or even spoke to you. It took me four years to get away from them, to get them off my radar. You disappeared. I’ve been looking for you to ensure they didn’t do anything. Fuck! I didn’t want to fucking hurt you!” 

You shake your head, not wanting to believe him. You couldn’t. Sure, you still had some love for him, but you couldn’t put yourself through that again. Max cups your cheeks, looking into your eyes with his tear-filled ones. “Please, just give me a chance… Even as a friend, I just… Please, I need to have you in my life.” You shrug against him, stepping back and away from him. 

“I don’t know… Maybe in another life, but I don’t know if I can put myself through that again.” You swallow the sob that tries to pass your lips before turning away from him and walking away, holding back the tears that want to fall.

“Y/n! Please!” He cries vision blurred with tears as he watches you leave him like he left you. 

thank you for reading!

feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated.

[canonicallyobserving911]

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON Speculation: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 21 is now available on AO3.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Currently 21 chapters completed: 797.3K Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

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Here's a snippet from one of Buck's and Eddie's romantically fluffy conversations included in Chapter 21.

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Without ending their embrace, Buck turns around in his arms and once they’re face to face, he says, “I’m going to miss you”.

“I’m going to miss you too.”  He replies then he leans in and kisses him.

It’s a long, deep and slow kiss that he hopes will remain imprinted in the front of his mind until they see each other again in more than 56 hours.

They only break it when they need to come up for air and after they do, they lean their foreheads against each other’s with their lips only millimeters apart.

“I love you!”  Eddie emphatically admits.

“I love you too with every piece of me!”

“We only have 5 more days until we leave for Europe and 7 more days until we get married.”

“And I can’t wait.”  Buck replies then he kisses his fiancé once more because he can.  When he pulls back, he looks into Eddie’s honey brown eyes and exclaims, “Babe, since we’ll only be in the states for a few more days… I—I want us to enjoy them.  I don’t want to think about anything but us getting ready to leave L.A. so we can focus on us getting married.”

He smiles and nods.  “I love that idea.  Let’s focus solely on our trip and leave whatever happened in the last few weeks right here in Los Angeles, CA.”

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This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

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Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - Will be posted soon.

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Read chapters 1-21 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[fraener]

8/1/2024

woke up early this morning to the cool dawn air pouring in and golden light on the oak. i feel like elementary school this morning, and like i am looking at a stranger's work again. i think i can smell the sweet moldy back seat of the van right now. i am paying all the last of my dues and getting everything ready. f is coming to see me today, i think, and i feel weighty with emotion i cannot articulate. i am thinking about excitement, and when the last time i was excited was. i am mostly afraid these days. theyre often the same thing, i think, at their base element. i think f is going to keep the baby. i dont think either of us thought theyd ever be the first of our friends to have a baby(other than ella, of course, who i havent spoken to in years and years) but here we are. i forgot that things are easier and harder without therapy. i really forget myself in the worst of the emotion when im regularly attending and thus forget to see the good. i am afraid at night and excited in the morning. everything is coming around again with so much humor. the 5 oclock whistle is back, they took the papers down from the windows in the castle, the vibrations stopped, and now on the day i signed the lease termination the big lamp across the street finally turned back on(with ofc a much brighter and worse bulb). yesterday someone was playing flute in the park like that first summer, on lammas eve. im stressed out about getting rid of so much of my belongings, i still dont know where im going to put my big furniture, and im feeling left at sea by my family in so many ways. lately ive been letting myself be proven gently true in just how uninvolved and outside of responsibility my family can make themselves to be. i wonder how many peoples fathers simply flat out ignore texts and calls from their kids. i wonder how many peoples grandfathers ask that they dont express that theyre upset because it might be upsetting to someone else. i feel relieved, in a way, that i somehow am coming out from underneath the cultural burdens of being british. if i ever go back theyre going to hate me on that island. im listening to the sounds of morning traffic and a parking officer emptying the coins from the meters into a big sack. there arent any lights shining in the windows of my new apartment, ive never been without a street light, not once anywhere but colorado. i guess the closest would be at my grandmothers house, where the street light shone in a window parallel with my bed as opposed to crossing it. im watching the dew evaporate off of the black tin roof of the castle across the street. ill be living under a huge old walnut and a portly hawthorn, and on the other side in the shadow of a juniper hedge. plum trees, a big garden full of veggies, place to keep the little boat, a lawn, a porch...ducks and chickens next door. i think ill feel really removed from everything there so its good im applying to teach a few different places. i feel like i used to enjoy being online a lot more and i dont have any interest in it these days so theres a bit of a void socially. i think i might need to find another job, though. and friends, if i can. im glad i rested yesterday, its going to be very hot and busy today. i miss the city, ill miss it even more i think when i move back into bumpkin territory. now i can smell the sea.

[estrogenfiend]

Baptised -

I was eleven years old when I became overwhelmed with the awareness that I needed to be baptized. I was alone in my bedroom and I felt like my world was falling apart. I was a broken person who desperately needed divine intervention.

My parents were down the hall in their bedroom. I told them that I wanted to get baptized and they were so excited. My dad quizzed me so that he could be sure I was making this choice for the right reasons.

“What does it mean to get baptized?” he asked

I began to recite the script that I had been taught since birth. The same answers that I had heard every Sunday for 11 years (approximately 572 times.)

“It means to die to yourself and start living your life for Jesus.”

“Do you believe that Jesus is the son of the true and living God?”

“Yes.”

“Are you prepared to make every choice in your life for the glory of God?”

“Yes.”

And so he was satisfied. We made an appointment at our mega-church to meet with the pastor and perform the ceremony.

I was baptized on a Wednesday. This seemed like the perfect time. For the rest of my life I could take a moment to pause in the middle of the week and reflect on the choice that I had made at eleven years old and re-orient my life towards Christ.

My family of five arrived at the church a little before six in the evening. I was excited and nervous. Inside there were a few others who were also there to be baptized. One was a girl around my same age. One was a man in his early twenties. I had never met either before this moment, but here we were together, making a choice that would forever alter our lives.

My dad and I went behind the baptism pool to a small locker room and changed out of our clothes into the robes that we would wear into the pool. The water was comfortable. My family sat in the audience and watched. In the pool was a man whom I had only ever seen on the stage of our church. He greeted me and my dad and began to ask me the same questions my dad had asked me earlier in the week.

“Do you believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God?”

“Yes.”

“Do you believe that Jesus died for your sins and was resurrected so that you could go to heaven?”

“Yes.”

“Do you commit to living your life for Christ, always trying to be more like him”?

“Yes.”

And so I was baptized, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. This man whom I had only seen from the divine comfort of a church pew told me to hold my breath as my dad dunked me under water. As I was lifted up, I heard my mom and my sisters (aged 7 and 5) clapping and cheering along with the families of the other strangers who were to be baptized the same day. I wiped the water from my face and hugged my dad, feeling the exact same as I had 10 seconds ago, albeit more wet.

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Baptism didn’t change me as a person. For a few weeks after the ceremony I did feel a little more responsibility to be a good Christian, a good role model for my siblings, but that feeling quickly wore off. I quickly returned to feeling the same as I did before.

It has been several years since I left the church. (I guess some life-long commitments don’t end up being very long.)

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A few years ago a familiar feeling crept into my mind. The feeling that I was broken and needed intervention. Through years of introspection, therapy, and seeking a supportive community I came to accept that I am a transgender woman.

Having been raised in the American Evangelical Church I can’t help but see the parallels between my transition from an unsaved sinner to a Good Christian and my transition from living as man to living as a woman.

I also can’t help but recognize that the second transition feels so much more genuine.

I told my dad and my pastor that I was willing to die to myself, but did that actually happen?

Certainly not when I was eleven.

It did happen when I was twenty-four and chose a new name for myself, leaving the old one behind.

When I was eleven was I prepared to commit to being more like Jesus every day?

Maybe.

Am I currently committed to living more like the version of myself that makes me feel whole?

Yes.

(If I wanted to get heavy-handed I could even draw a parallel between the way that Jesus was pierced while hanging on the cross and the way that I pierce myself every Tuesday afternoon, subcutaneously injecting .2mL of Estradiol. But that feels like overkill.)

The changes I made after being baptized were so temporary.

The changes that I am making now, in every aspect of my life, delve deeper than I thought possible. My brain chemistry is changing. My body is becoming a place I can learn to live comfortably. The way I see myself in relationship with others finally makes sense.

Twice in my life I have decided to die to myself. Twice in my life I have promised to change the way I live my life for the better. Twice in my life I have overcome the feeling of being lost and broken.

The first time I made that decision feels so insignificant now. It is easy to forget that there was ever a version of myself that believed the way I did.

Now I have made the same decision in earnest. For myself rather than for others.

mgc

[sluntch]

A Simpler Day, a Simpler Week - A Writing Experiment - Day 6

Ayo. Welcome to day 6 of me writing something every day. This one is pretty short and sweet, but here we go anyway.

So, in the last post, I mentioned injuring my ankle through overuse on a Friday, taking a 2:30 AM ER trip on Saturday and getting home around 7:30 AM the same day. Since then, I've been keeping off the ankle and wearing a boot to keep it from moving around on me. This means I can't really drive anywhere, can't go up and down stairs very easily (which is fairly comical given how many flights of stairs are in the duplex I live in), and can't workout during the week. Abbey is also on a business trip for the week so I'm alone for the time being. Turns out you really miss the extra caloric room built into the day from just a workout. Today I went over the limit into equilibrium territory to get rid of some leftovers that needed to be eaten. In that same vein, I also miss Abbey as, not only is it fairly lonely without her (though I can cope with help from Dil and the lads, especially during the day or in discord) but also that she helps eat some extra lefties that need to be eaten when she takes them for lunch and I don't have to be responsible for everything in the fridge. I suppose that's the tradeoff for only doing cooking up to this point to be specifically having two portions for dinner and then having some lefties ready for the rest of the week. I suppose the bonus was that the grocery bill was much this week as I'm only cooking twice (to stay off the foot) and only for myself.

Last night I made a creamy tomato-base soup and added cubed tofu to it. We usually have it with tortellini, but I wanted to try and make it a bit lower-calorie and use one of the two packs of tofu I had gotten for the week. to go under it, I oven-roasted some broccoli and sweet potatoes, a go-to vegetable in our apartment as they 1). are delicious and 2). make a bunch. They go really far into the week and are great as impromptu veggies for meals, should I not have another one, and are great on the salads (I call them "Big Salad" because they are colossal and delicious) I sometimes make for lunch throughout the week. I invited Dil over to partake for some company and to just chill. It was super fun. We watched the first episode of Arcane again, semi-preparing for season 2 of that, and the first two episodes of the newest season of Jujutsu Kaisen, which he is binging to catch up to as I write this. The week is, about as much as it can be, off to a rip-roaring start. I just need this ankle to cut it out and we'll be ok. But now my right knee started kind of hurting too, so I'm worried this might be going a bit deeper than I previously thought. That or I'm still somehow using the leg too much. Time will tell, I suppose.

Second-to-last thing for this entry: I start with a new therapist tomorrow. The therapy office I was going to had a change in how they can bill my insurance and the therapist I was working with at the time was one of the ones that wouldn't be covered. Our jobs are paying a bit better now but we're trying to buy a house and possibly have a kid within the next 3 or 4 years so every penny we can save is important. So I opted to get transferred to a new therapist that would be covered. It sucks to have to start over entirely but I was only about 5 sessions in with the initial therapist, so it's not like there was a years-long connection being severed. I still liked her a lot, though, and I had made some really good progress even in that short time. We'll see how this shakes out.

Last thing, short and sweet: I'm really nervous and scared that the endocrinology visit won't be able to be moved up before 11/29 and it'll take till even longer after that to get the surgery scheduled. I feel more and more like I'm just deteriorating or wasting away. This ankle thing is really rough and with another several months to wait to get this stuff treated I'm genuinely frightened of how bad it may get. I've got patience but I don't know how much is left.

60 days to go.

[steamishot]

equinox x2/4th of july

this past weekend, we went on our second staycation to equinox for three nights. amex had a $200 off $1000 offer so we couldn’t resist. we checked in on 6/30, which i could not take off from work. unfortunately, i had to work until 8pm that day but it worked out fine. we knew what to expect this time around so the adjustment period was very short. the hotel offers such serenity and tranquility; it’s extremely quiet and the air is super purified and fresh. the quietness is so therapeutic, especially for matt who is often in a high stress and chaotic environment. he had just finished a 10 day working streak, 7 days on and 3 days of moonlighting. our lives are always a little insane:

friday:

neighborhood walk to white noise/coffee

checked out la bicyclette for the most expensive ham and cheese croissant ($9) 

matt had a 30 min virtual interview with LA USC, followed by a therapy session with gabbie

we do last minute packing, throw out the trash/cleaned, and head to equinox hotels around 3pm 

we settle in, i continue to work

ordered sushi on 35 delivery for our dinner 

restorative yoga at 8pm with babette godefrey: she was giving a whole ted talk during this session, stressing the importance of rest (in addition to exercise and nutrition). she said that we see more in a week in NYC than people did in their entire lifetimes 100 years ago. 

saturday: 

started off our day with an intense but fun workout by michael j. clark for kickboxing. this guy was literally on crack, performing acrobatics at 10am in the morning lol. he is by far the most memorable fitness instructor i’ve had. left me feeling sore for at least 3 days after

went for lunch at a nearby australian cafe and ate healthy food (salad & avocado toast)

picked up a matcha latte and vegan donuts from the nearby wholefoods

did a wind down/restorative yoga class at 4pm

checked out market 57 for food, starbucks reserve, and the google store

sunday:

did a vinyasa flow class with robert nguyen that was quite intense. equinox instructors are all a little intense/arrogant lol, they really do not baby you in class

had an early dinner at jeju where we had a crazy dinner: the meal consisted of uni, caviar, wagyu, tartare, truffle, scallops, and lobster

walked back to market 57 and tried a signature latte (with blackberries and thyme), picked up xin fu tang boba and banana pudding from magnolia bakery

went back to the equinox gym where matt ran 30 minutes while i did an inclined walk 

my stomach felt like crap that night, with mixing of all the above foods - on top of drinking tea, and eating blueberries lol 

monday: 

we had scheduled a hot yoga class for that morning but i wasn’t feeling well so i slept in. matt went for a 30 minute run and picked up some starbucks oatmeal for me. i called off half day from work.

checked out, got back to our apartment around 1pm and decided to go to hot yoga at our usual studio at 4pm with our favorite instructor matty

we were both so tired and knocked out by 10pm last night 

the price is hefty, but i told matt that it’s worth it because of how rejuvenating the experience is and it is a very healthy treat for himself. i believe it’s better to spend on wellness than to spend on something material. the gym is his element. it’s also always interesting to people watch at places like this. 

instead of keeping my bike in the bike rack down in the basement, it’s now stored in the apartment so that i can more easily go out for bike rides. i don’t have to rely on matt to help me carry my bike up two flights of stairs from the basement. it’s still quite a drag to get my bike from the room into the elevator and then down/up a few stairs, but i went for 3 solo bike rides last week and really enjoyed it! the first ride was about 5 miles, the second and third were about a 10 miles roundtrip. it’s a great way to start my day and to force myself to leave the apartment and get in some cardio. i decked out my bike - it now has a basket and phone mount. i realized my recent anxiety was breeding from boredom, and the best way to combat that is by doing more. 

there’s always some anxiety when i haven’t done something for a while or if i’m doing something for the first time (i.e. socialize, bike ride, drive, go to a new area etc) but i cannot be avoidant. the anxiety i have comes from having too much down time, where i have time to worry about things i normally wouldn’t think about if i had a busier schedule. i would just go do it. 

i’m spending 4th of july mostly alone, or matt may come home earlier. again, i always have fomo and wish i had family around during the holidays. it’s something i want to bring up in therapy.

interviews/applications have been really busy for matt. it seems he had about 10 (one in person, the other calls/virtual) in the past month or so. arrowhead is flying him out for an in-person interview on 7/11, and i am tagging along. they are paying for his flight, 3 day rental car and 2 nights at a hotel. i’m excited to be on this journey with him. it’s starting to feel like he’s “VIP”. as his partner, i am also defaulted to being in the advisor role. like in spiderman, “with great power comes great responsibility”. whew, it ain’t easy. 

another thing i want to bring up in therapy is this transition in class/wealth. for me, it’s the guilt that i get to experience such nice and luxurious things, that i feel undeserving. that i fear i will come off as “showing off” to my family if i share my experiences, or make them feel bad. at the same time, i realize feeling guilty is also negating all our hard efforts and sacrifices. 

[ghost-ghost-baby]

We're Just Friends! (Omega!bakugo x alpha!reader x omega!Izuku) pt. 3/?

Pt. 1 / / pt. 2

A/n: cannot believe we made it to pt. 3 I’m sksksksksk,,,, they finally get together! Pt 4/5 will b them all together and adjusting and then it’ll b readers bday so 👀👀

Lore: Once an Alpha reaches 21 they get their first rut, they’d either already have their mates or the rut will act as a push for them to get together and bond.

Summary: Reader and Katsuki have been friends for years, and everyone expects them to get together, until reader rescues an omega that lives in their building, and things get a touch more... complicated

Warnings: swearing, omegaverse, mad pining, Katsuki get exposed for going to therapy lmao, Izuku is kinda a shithead, Katsuki b mad insecure, reader is still dumb- everyone except for Izuku is bad at feelings

The two of you had gotten sidetracked, really quickly, it wasn’t even twenty minutes before you were putting a horror video on the tv. That was almost an hour ago, and you were about to doze off now, laying on your back with your head on the arm rest, Izuku right on top of you with his head tucked under your chin. You didn’t know how you got into this position, but you weren’t complaining, it was… nice. Perfect, almost, but something still felt like it was missi-

“Y/n- why the fuck are our stupid friends asking me about your new- Deku?” Katsuki burst through the door, already yelling, and his scent took on a burnt tinge that almost had you gagging when he slammed the door behind him.

“Kacchan! I didn’t realise you were Y/n’s roommate!” Izuku perked up almost immediately, sitting up so he was straddling you with his eyes fixed right on Katsuki.

“Wait, you two know each other-“ You tried to sit up, barely managing to turn your head to see Katsuki, Izuku was stronger than he looked, and he obviously didn’t want you moving-

“Yeah we go way back, childhood friends, right Kacchan?” Izuku’s tone was light, but you couldn’t see the feral look on his face from where you were trapped on the couch.

“Right… that doesn’t explain what the fuck you’re doing here, Deku.” Katsuki snarled, and Izuku giggled at the blonde. What the fuck kinda thing were you stuck in the middle of-

“What does it look like, Kacchan? We’re courting now! And Y/n’s already been such a good alpha, I’m surprised you didn’t ask them-“

“What does he mean you’re courting?” Katsuki’s tone was something you’d never heard before, and your heart twinged at it. “Get the fuck off of them Deku.” He walked closer to the couch, until he could grab onto your arm and haul you off, Izuku sliding back to the couch and pouting.

“He asked me on the way home and I accepted-“ Katsuki’s heart sank, he’d been too late? “I didn’t think you’d care, aren’t you courting Kiri?” Your scent was far too comforting, and the way it accompanied Izuku’s had Katsuki feeling something he definitely didn’t want to. Deku was a stalker! A creepy little nothing stalker! With great hair- no! And you looked so cute when you were confused like this-!

“Katsuki, are you okay?” You waved your hand in front of his face, and the blonde only let out another snarl. What if you found out about what he’d done to Deku, you’d never look at him the same, and from the way Deku was smirking the bastard knew it too.

“Whatever- I’m fucking going to bed.” Katsuki pushed past you, and you could only gawk as he disappeared down the hall and into his room.

It wasn’t supposed to go like this, you were meant to be with him, it had been the two of you for years! Why were you such a fucking idiot! Katsuki was fuming even as he hugged the pillow he’d stolen from your room, how dare Deku come back and steal you! Still, the nagging thought that coming back to the two of you… had felt like home wouldn’t get out of his head and it was only making him angrier.

“Katsuki? Izuku went back to his apartment, do you have any requests for dinner?” Your voice floated through his door and Katsuki opened his mouth to respond on instinct. No, if you wanted to be with Deku so badly you clearly didn’t care about him, and so he would stop caring about you.

“Katsuki? Please come out, I don’t understand why you’re upset but I want to.” You tried to keep the desperate tone out of your voice. It didn’t work, and Katsuki was biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself crooning in an attempt to calm you down.

“Okay… I’ll uh, just be in my room if you want to talk.”

This was getting out of hand, it was like you were living with a ghost. It had been three days of Katsuki ignoring you, three days of no contact whatsoever, and even though you had Izuku, and he was just… amazing, it still felt like something was missing. You actually didn’t think you’d gone this long without talking to Katsuki in- well since the two of you had met. But, it was finally the weekend, you’d have to run into him at some point, and then you could finally talk, even if he didn’t feel like it.

You were pulled into Izuku’s apartment before you could even knock, the omega giving you a deep kiss before quickly tugging you into a hug and rubbing his cheek over your scent gland.

“I missed you, Y/n! What took so long?” Izuku only pulled away when he couldn’t smell anything except you, and pride filled him when he saw you were wearing his sweater.

“Sorry Bub, I was trying to get Katsuki to talk to me but he’s still giving me the silent treatment.” You shrugged as he walked you over to the couch, something already playing in the background, and Izuku pushed you down without hesitation. You let the omega position you how he wanted, wasting no time wrapping your arms around him once Izuku settled down next to you with his head on your chest and your legs tangled together.

“You know… it does seem like he likes you, maybe you could suggest a triad? I know I wouldn’t object.” Izuku’s tone was so nonchalant you’d expected him to ask what you wanted to watch, not suggest bringing Katsuki into the relationship.

“You’d be okay with that? Really?” You hadn’t even considered that, you felt kinda stupid, honestly. Why hadn’t you- oh, right.

“I think he’s courting someone else, actually, I’m sure that’s why he’s being so weird.” You pushed any hope you had down when you remembered how much time Katsuki actually spent with Kirishima, and how close they seemed to be.

“If you say so, but I wouldn’t write the idea off, Kacchan’s always been good with surprises.” Izuku shifted to press a kiss to your scent gland, before he grabbed the remote and returned his attention to putting on a show.

It was Sunday, you hadn’t seen your roommate all weekend, this really wasn’t going how you planned. A sigh left you as you pushed open the door to your apartment, you’d been with Izuku for most of the day, and you were so, so ready to just go to sleep. You’d been exhausted for the last few days, and Denki kept commenting about how snappy you were and asking why your scent was ‘so weird man’ when the three of you had met for lunch. It was sweet how much they cared, but annoying as fuck nonetheless. You were wide awake outside your door though, almost missing the sweet caramel smell that leaked out until you had your hand on the handle. Your room didn’t usually smell like that, not unless-

“Katsuki-? What’s going on?” You pushed open the door to a very, very startled Katsuki, like a deer in headlights, really, and your confusion only grew when he was holding onto an armful of your clothes. “You could have just asked if you wanted something for your nest, but isn’t Kiri helping with that?” You closed the door behind you, and Katsuki’s eyes darted from you to the door. Fuck, you weren’t supposed to be home for another twenty minutes, you’d usually spend at least two hours at Deku’s place, why the fuck had you come back so early? Katsuki clutched the clothes tighter against his chest as neither of you spoke, you really still thought he was with shitty hair when all he really wanted was you?

“Katsuki? This is ridiculous- what’s going on with you? Why won’t you talk to me?” You stepped forward and Katsuki growled when you got within a foot of him, the sound setting you on edge and making you release a growl of your own on instinct.

“We’re gonna talk about this, I’m not letting you ignore me anymore, it sucks! It feels like there’s a piece of me missing-!” You stepped forward with every word, flinching at yourself when you heard your voice crack at the end.

“What does any of that matter? You have Deku now, the two of you are perfect together, you don’t need me anymore!” Katsuki yelled back, everything that happened the last day and the confused puddle that the state his feelings were in finally bubbling over. It was too much, he’d barely seen you and now here you were, reeking of Deku of all people, and accusing him of liking someone else.

“How could you say that? I need you, Katsuki-! I always need you! These last few days have been hell without you! It’s bad enough I have to deal with you courting Kiri, but now you don’t even talk to me and I don’t understand what’s going on!” Tears kept welling up in your eyes, and Katsuki dropped the pile of clothes on the floor, his hands balling into fists by his side.

“Because I don’t know- I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling!” Katsuki’s voice broke, and you barely had time to open your mouth before he continued. “I thought that we- that we were set in stone, and then I come back to you and fucking Deku on the couch and fuck that hurt! But it fucking- it fucking felt like home, and all I wanted to do was join you and I don’t understand why!” He turned around to wipe his eyes, and your jaw hit the floor as you tried to process. He wasn’t… courting Kiri…?

“You’re such an idiot- you couldn’t just tell me this?” Exasperated didn’t even begin to cover how you felt.

“How could I say anything? I was horrible to Deku in school because I couldn’t deal with my feelings, why would either of you want to be with me after how awful I’ve been?” There was no anger in Katsuki’s tone anymore, and the guilty scent he was putting out was just putting you on edge.

“You regret it though, don’t you? And I know you’ve worked really hard to be better, and you even go to therapy now-“ Katsuki snarled at the last part, he hated whenever you brought up therapy, but at least you weren’t yelling.

“We actually talked it over and… Izuku and I both like the idea of a triad with- well with you, if you wanted.” You reached out to grab Katsuki’s shoulder, though he refused to look you in the eye when you turned him to face you. You had to be lying, you had to, you couldn’t mean that and he didn’t want to get his hopes up for nothing.

“Katsuki, you gotta talk to me, I can’t read your mind.” Your cards were all out on the table now, and your anxious scent was a dead giveaway to your feelings. What if you’d ruined everything? What if you’d gotten everything wrong- you were never good at guessing-

“You’re being serious? This isn’t some kind of payback?” Red eyes finally met yours and you could only nod, you still got caught of guard by how pretty he was. “Okay, I’ll join your shitty fucking triad.”

Taglist (pls lemme know if any of em r wrong)

@pasteldaze @hopeless-ro-simptic @ntngann @somerandominternetgirl-blog @ianem005 @lalaluvzen @antisocial-minnie @rogueofbullshit @hakunamatatayqueen @so-uncute @therealwalmartjesus @unlightedfool @all-the-kings-reblogs @cth-l

[ticketstomydaydreams]

HOME

(All We Have: Part One)

Part Two

Colson x Female Reader

Summary: You and Colson are close friends and he invites you to move in to his house while you work on his record together

Word count: 1,580

Feels: Friendship Fluff for now

Warnings: Alcohol consumption, cursing, mentions of feeling depressed

Companion playlist:

Machine Gun Kelly - Home

Sia - Dressed in Black 

The Beatles - With a Little Help from My Friends

A/N: Throughout the series there will be changes to the timing of real life events like the pandemic, the release of certain songs etc. There's certain things I want to incorporate into the series, like particular events in MGKs life and lyrics from songs, so some stuff will get moved around to fit in to the story ✌️

______

It had been a long evening working in Colson’s home studio, The Boulevard, with him and the gang on the upcoming Tickets to my Downfall album. To say your schedule was busy was an understatement, but Colson had insisted you get involved with the new material after the success of your work together on Hotel Diablo.

Composing music was your main gig, you had an ear for melody and your passion for writing meant you always had lyrics swirling around your head. You had a penchant for dark and melancholy lyrics, finding music to be a source of therapy for you. It was something you and Colson had instantly bonded over. He'd bugged you to list some of the stuff you'd written that he'd know and you had gained his professional respect immediately.

He always kept a close eye on your work, ever the supportive friend and had laid claim to your piece ‘Glass House’ as soon as he'd heard it.

______

2019

You were sitting crossed legged on the sofa in your lounge, gently strumming your guitar and gazing off into space and mumbling to yourself, as you worked out some lyrics in your head. Colson was lying on the floor by your feet, scrolling through his phone with earphones in, a blunt in his hand that he occasionally passed up to you. This was a common set up, you found it easier to write in the peace and quiet and Colson has gradually started hanging out at your place more when he needed to focus on his own writing.

"All alone in the glass house, lie awake til the sun's out, pink sky when you come down…"

"Throw me in the damn flames, Bury me in gold chains, throw me in the damn flames…"

You'd started singing out loud, occasionally stopping to scribble down lyrics and make adjustments, not noticing that Colson had removed his earbuds to listen to you

" Dude, that's hard, like, beautiful… " His comment made you jump slightly, you hadn't seen him propping himself up on his elbows, watching you intently "Sing that last bit again"

You blushed slightly, his opinion was always important to you, and started singing. He muttered to himself as you did, then pointed at you "Again!"

Letting out a little laugh and rolling your eyes, you sang again

"Throw me in the damn flames, bury me in gold chains, throw me in the damn flames"

Colson's voice met yours at the end of the line, rapping softly "I'm waiting on the rain to come and wash it all away"

You locked eyes, smiling and he sat upright. "Dude, Im'a need that hook! That spoke to me right there, I've think got something for it that I've been stuck on"

He looked so excited, your heart did a little flip. You'd seen that writing this album had taken it out of him, he'd been digging deep and really going through it emotionally. You could tell it was going to be raw and special from what you'd heard already.

He sat forward and moved the guitar from your lap so he could lean his arms on your knees and looked up at you shooting you puppy dog eyes with those baby blues "Pretty please Y/N"

You laughed and ruffled his hair, "Anything for you Col" Honestly, it'd be an honour to be part of such a personal project, you thought

He wrapped his arms round you and squeezed,

"You're a legend, kid. Get a sample recorded and send it to me!" He grabbed your guitar off the sofa and whipped back around, strumming a few chords as he carried on talking with his back to you, leaning against the sofa "This is gonna be fire, you always just hit the nail on the head, I swear it's like you're in my head sometimes"

You smiled, seeing the wave of motivation that had struck your friend. You felt so lucky to have a friend who was not only so inspiring, but one who 'got it', who understood that music was a form of release. Someone who recognised that it was important to feel these things, rather than encourage you to push dark thoughts away with toxic positivity.

He’d pushed to use your original samples on his record, but as much as you loved writing and singing, you were a behind the scenes kind of gal which had always suited you just fine. Naomi, a mutual friend of you both, came onboard to record them with him. A decision that turned out to be golden… 'Death in my Pocket' would be born not long after, with Naomi doing your lyrics such beautiful justice yet again, perfectly pairing with Colson's emotional rapping.

______

From then on Colson had kept you close to his recording. You'd been helping here and there with composition and notation, but your production skills were what was taking centre stage during the most recent sessions. You had a long list of projects you were working through, leaving you chained to your equipment most days and nights anyway so throwing more music into your workload didn't seem like much of a big deal. In all honesty, the chaos of Colson’s studio and the revolving door of personalities that were in and out constantly, made it one of the most fun places to be. You loved what you did for a living and it never really felt like work Even though the guys were a real handful at times, you kind of enjoyed being the studio 'Mami' as they often affectionately referred to you

Everything had wrapped up for the evening and the guys had migrated back into the house. You could hear from the raucous that the drinks must have started flowing freely. You were saving your work and packing up your stuff when Colson bursts back into the studio and throws himself in a chair, spinning it around with his arms in the air.

"You staying for drinks Y/N?" he grins at you, clearly hyper and in party mode

You let out a big sigh "Urgh, I'd love to but I have an early start tomorrow. I finally managed to get an apartment viewing. I swear I've looked at a hundred places now, they get snapped up so quickly.. I've only got a few weeks left on my lease as well"

“Ah, that sucks kid” Colson empathises, spinning his chair again before an idea strikes him “Wait! Why don’t you move in here for a bit until you find a place? The guest room is pretty much your room anyway, the amount you crash here”

You laugh “This is true, that mattress is so much better than mine! Aw Col, that would honestly be so helpful, the stress of finding a place when I’m this busy is killing me. I don't know… You sure the guys won’t mind?”

Colson scoffs “Why would they mind? You practically live here anyway” he teases “I’m sure they’ll be just as stoked as I am at the thought of you joining the madhouse for a while”

Before you have a chance to respond, he stands up and throws his arms around you, squashing you into him tightly “That’s it decided Roomie. Another song in the bag and a new housemate, plenty to celebrate tonight!”

Wriggling out of his tight grasp, you laugh and in a deep voice shout “let’s goooooo” mocking his signature catchphrase. He flips you his middle finger and says “Kitchen, now”

Once you’re in the kitchen, Colson heads to get you a drink and grabs one himself. Appearing back at your side, he passes you your beer and then shouts out to the rest of the group,

“YO, meet our latest housemate, Y/N is moving in. LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO”

Everyone in the kitchen lets out a big cheer, clearly pleased as he said they would be. Colson bends down and picks you up, swinging you around in a circle, spilling your drinks all over the both of you as you shout his name in mock annoyance, between giggles.

“I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for” Rook laughs, clinking his drink against your now empty beer bottle once your feet are back on the floor

“It’ll be good to have another pair of hands around here, looking after you lot” Ashleigh chimes in, laughing and slapping Slim away as he pulls her hood up over her head, covering her eyes

It had been 5 years since you'd made the decision to move to LA, barely knowing a soul. You'd worked several jobs, jumped from place to place, worked your ass off to catch your break in the music business, sometimes feeling like the grind would never get you anywhere.

There had been times where you felt like you couldn't carry on, aching from trying to keep pace. The dream had felt like it was turning into a nightmare, as you tried to make ends meet, feeling so lonely in this enormous city.. but eventually you'd made these amazing friends who made you feel so safe and loved.

Now, there were times you had to pinch yourself just to make sure it was all real.

As you shake off some of the beer that's dripping from your hands, you look around the kitchen. Taking in the crazy, loveable bunch before you, your new housemates, you are filled with gratitude. You finally felt like you were exactly where you were supposed to be…

Home.

______

❌❌ Lace up!

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

And another list from, @kevaaronday. These are their all time faves! (if you are interested in doing a list please IM me)

Our Kind of Nuts by ericaismeg

(1/1 I 22,553 I General I Sterek)

Stiles doesn't know that reaching out to Erica, a girl from his Psych class, is going to change his entire life. All he wanted was a quiet place to study. Suddenly, he's becoming best friends with Erica, getting a tutor from Boyd, going crazy over this guy who is quite passionate about Pride and Prejudice named Derek, being supportive to Lydia, finding some weird peace treaty with Jackson, and inviting Erica's best friend to live with him, Scott, and Jackson for a bit.

He didn't expect things to turn out like this, but hell, he's not complaining one bit.

Bicycle Flavored Ice Cream by words_reign_here

(1/1 I 29,083 I Teen I Sterek)

Derek finally has everything where it should be. His pack is good, strong, back from college and they are a cohesive team. Other than the occasional witch, hunters and blip in the road, this is what it should have always been like. A pack in the Hale house, watching out for Beacon Hills.

Possessiveness, Miscommunication and Jealousy by Moonbeam (luvsbitca)

(14/14 I 51,789 I Teen I Sterek)

Some people from Derek’s life before the show come to visit and none of the pack are happy about it, especially when one of them starts picking on Stiles.

Those Are The Days That Bind Us by s_a_m

(5/5 I 52,171 I Mature I Sterek)

His father wasn’t stupid. He was an officer of the law, trained to look for patterns. He confronted Stiles about werewolves and they shouted and Stiles tried to explain but his father was so, so, so mad, more mad than Stiles had ever seen him, ever in all his life and then his father looked at him and said,

“It’s like you’re not my son anymore.”

And Stiles broke.

The Quickest Way to a Man’s Heart (is Through His Bottomless Pit) by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

(1/1 | 54,167 | Explicit | Sterek)

Pulling open his apartment door, he let out an involuntary shout when something was quite literally thrust into his chest hard enough to have him almost tip backwards. He managed to right himself while keeping hold of what had been shoved at him and looked up in time to see his neighbour striding back towards his apartment.

“You’re going to fucking kill yourself.”

His door slammed.

Stiles blinked at the other man’s door, utterly confused, and looked down at what he was holding.

It was a plastic bag, full of what felt like tupperware, which made no sense to Stiles because when had his neighbour broken into his house to steal his tupperware?

stuck in reverse by crazyassmurdererwall (smartalli)

(1/1 I 65,656 I Explicit I Sterek)

Look, Derek is the worst. Everyone knows that. Their fearless leader is a total and complete failwolf.

Which means the rest of them? Are kind of the worst too. They’re a ramshackle, slap dashed, sorry excuse for a pack that’s about a half second away from getting one of them killed. And this is a problem, because Stiles would really like to survive high school. Thanks.

Still, nobody deserves what Derek has gone through. Nobody.

And it’s about time somebody told him that.

Seeing Wolves (Where There Are No Wolves) by MellytheHun

(16/16 I 71,305 I Explicit I Sterek)

Or otherwise known as "Derek Goes to the Doctor," wherein Derek gets the therapy he so desperately needs and gets healthy. The clearer his head gets, the more room it seems to have for Stiles.

The Unkindness of Valravn by TaliskerMortem

(28/28 I 72,899 I Not Rated I Sterek)

They are rare, almost unheard of. Only Lydia seems to recognize the word. Valravn. The Raven People. They descend on Beacon Hills in their hour of need. Obliterating the enemy. At their head? A man dress in black. A man covered in tattoos. A man they all knew.

OR: The one in which Stiles hasn't been back to Beacon Hills in seven years, during which he visited Europe, was attacked by a raven and turned into a shifter, has lots of tattoos and is now the Alpha of his little ragtag group of Valravne.

Divided We Stand by KouriArashi

(29/29 I 156,742 I Mature I Sterek)

Derek is being pressured by his family to pick a mate, and somehow stumbles into a choice that they didn't expect and aren't sure they approve of....

Indelible Marks by billtheradish

(87/87 I 275,695 I Mature I Sterek)

The house never burned. The pack is strong. Derek will never need to be the alpha, and his sister is a troll. (Actually, most of his family is like that.)

Derek is an apprentice tattoo artist, and Stiles isn't old enough to get ink of his own yet. But that doesn't stop him from being interesting...

[tyongxnct]

𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑟 𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑚𝑒 - 𝐽𝑢𝑛𝑔 𝐽𝑎𝑒𝘩𝑦𝑢𝑛

pairing: Jaehyun x reader

special guests: Johnny, Doyoung and Jaemin.

Genre: angst, marriage!au, cheating!au

warnings: cheating, fainting, mentions of sex If you don’t feel comfortable reading about cheating, then feel free to skip this story. :)

word count: a little more than 12k

song rec: love me or leave me by little mix

note: I’m not a therapist or a doctor. The scenes in the hospital and at the couple therapy are just how I imagined it to be.

extra note: I love Jaehyun and this is PURE fiction.

A/N: thanks to my dear friend @kueey​ for proofreading this with me <3 I hope you guys like this story and please don’t get too mad at Jaehyun hihi ENJOY!!

ps: I AM SO EXCITED FOR NCT 2020 I really look forward to everything we’ll get and I’ll forever support OT23.. I hope that each member gets treated well and is happy and healthy. AND I can’t wait any longer for superm hehe

© tyongxnct on all platforms 

“I can’t believe you! Why? I don’t understand?! Why would you do something like that? Why would you try to destroy our marriage?!”, you were furious and heartbroken. After seven years of being together, you never thought that Jaehyun would cheat on you. You never thought that he’d moan someone else’s name while being with you.

You kissed him. “I missed this so much.”, it was hard for you two, both of you were working and you had a four year old daughter and a five year old son. There was never really time for things like sex. It’s been some time since you slept together, and you couldn’t wait anymore. You missed having Jaehyun close next to you, you missed feeling him inside of you and you missed his touch. “You feel so good, Areum.”, you pushed him away. “W-what?”, you asked, maybe you misheard him. “What do you mean?”, he tried to kiss your neck, but you pushed him again. “W-what did you just say? A-Areum?”, and that was the exact moment Jaehyun knew, that he fucked up. Bad. “N-No I-I didn’t...”, he stuttered. “Get off of me!”, you pushed him again and crawled against the bed rest. “Who is Areum?!” “No one, baby. I’m sorry.”, he tried to get closer again, but you stretched out your hand to stop him. “Don’t come closer! Stop lying to me! Tell me now Jaehyun or I will leave, and you’ll never get the chance to explain!” “Baby- I... It’s... She’s someone from work...” “And?”, you were getting angrier every second. “I-It’s I promise you I’ll never do it again and it’s been weeks since the last time I-”, he couldn’t even look at your face. “Since you what?”, 

“Since I-I slept with her.”, his voice got quieter and quieter. You got up and put on your clothes as fast as you could. “Baby just listen to me. I swear I’m so sorry-”, Jaehyun tried to reach for your arms but you stepped back and looked at him with disgust in your eyes. “For how long?” “Baby-”, “No Jaehyun! Answer the question!”, you couldn’t even cry. “Three months I think...”, a tear fell down Jaehyun’s cheek.

Your man was sleeping with another woman for three months, if he was telling the truth of course.

“You had an affair for three months?”, you were heartbroken. You were fully dressed and opened your bedroom door to leave, but he stopped you, this fight needed to end in the bedroom, your little kids were asleep, and they shouldn’t witness what was happening right now. “No. Don’t go, baby. I’m sorry. I stopped seeing her, I love you.”

“You love me? Funny, last time I checked you said Areum. You said her name! I can’t even look at you! You disgust me so much! What kind of a husband are you huh?! What were you even thinking?!”, tears were finally falling down your cheeks, you couldn’t stop them from falling so you just let them. 

“I said that I’m sorry! I stopped seeing her. I will never do it again, I love you!”, he screamed back at you.

“I can’t believe you! Why? I don’t understand?! Why would you do something like that? Why would you try to destroy our marriage?!”

You really wanted to know why Jaehyun would throw away a 7 year old relationship.

“Look, we didn’t have any second for us in the past, I don’t know, five months and I missed you so much but you were always working and you never had time for me! I felt... lonely or some shit, I don’t know and... and she was there for me in those three months...”, did he just say it was all your fault?

“So, you are telling me that this is my fault? Because I am working and raising two children. You think I was the one who never had time? When you fucked another woman, I was home alone with your kids! You lied to me and now you are fucking blaming me?!”, he couldn’t be serious. “I am the one suffering from all of this! I am suffering right now because of you and you are still blaming me?! I tried so hard to be a good wife, mother, friend and employee and I am still not enough?”, your voice was quiet. Jaehyun felt like he was never good enough for you, he was just ordinary while you were amazing at everything you did. Jaehyun felt like a piece of shit and he needed someone to tell him that he was also good enough, and instead of talking to his wife, he decided to talk to his co-worker and that led to more. 

“What suffering?! I am still with you, I could have left you and stayed with her instead but I chose you!”, words were coming out of his mouth without him processing it, he said things he didn’t mean and he wanted to take them back, but he couldn’t. 

You slapped him. You slapped him so hard that his brain started working again. He deserved it. 

“You chose me? Nobody asked you for that. You are right, maybe you should have stayed with her.”, he looked at you for the first time now, his hand was on his cheek and his heart clenched. 

“I- I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it.”, he cried as he tried to take his words back.

You couldn’t think straight, and you couldn’t stay with him, you needed to leave. Right now.

You opened the bedroom door and put on your shoes as fast as you could. “Don’t leave me, please. Baby don’t go. It’s late... let’s talk about it. Please don’t leave me.”, he was begging you. Without a second glance, you took the keys for your car and left the apartment you shared so many great memories with and now with the worst.

Jaehyun was on his knees crying his heart out. He needed you to come back to him, you needed to know that he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it. 

“Dad?”, Jaemin held his little sister’s hand and watched his father. His little daughter looked confused and his son looked sad.

“My babies why are you up?”, he tried to cover his tears as he walked up to his kids. "You were loud, daddy. Are you crying, daddy?”, she asked her dad as she placed her little hand on his cheek. “Why are you awake, dad?”, his son asked.

“Daddy had a nightmare, but I feel better now. Thanks to you.”, he placed a kiss on his daughter’s forehead and on his son’s. “Tell mommy to give you a goodnight kiss, that helps every time.”, he tried so hard not to cry in front of his kids. “Okay, I’ll tell her, but you have to sleep now, it’s late.”

“Daddy can you sing for me? Mommy always sings me to sleep.”, how could he say no to his one and only daughter. 

Jaehyun didn’t sleep for the whole night, he waited for you to come back, but you didn’t. 

You were driving around Seoul. You didn’t know what to do. Go back home? You couldn’t let your kids notice what was happening between you and Jaehyun and Jaehyun... your heart was broken, and it needed time. You decided to call the only person who could help you right now. Johnny.

“Good morning, what can I do for you at this hour?”, Johnny, one of your oldest friends asked, still half asleep. It was 7 am on a Sunday, of course he was still asleep.

“Hey, Johnny. Sorry for waking you up-”, your voice trembled.

“Did you fucking cry?”, he always knew that something was wrong. “I-…Yes..., Johnny, Jaehyun had an affair.”

“I’m sorry what? What did you just say?”, he didn’t want to believe it. “He slept with his co-worker for three months. I f-found out last night and I didn’t know what to do… so I l-left.”, you started crying. 

“I can’t believe this, where are you? I’m coming to you.”, Johnny didn’t want to leave you alone.

“No, I’m fine, well not fine but Jaehyun and the kids need you. I left last night just like that, and I want to go to my babies, but I-I Johnny I just can’t face him. It hurts so much.”, you tried to stop your tears from falling but you couldn’t.

“Okay, you don’t have to worry, I’ll go to them. But please tell me that you are safe and text me whenever you need me. Do you know where you want to stay already?”, you knew you could count on him. “I have a friend from work I could ask.”, Johnny was the brother you never had, and you were his sister he never had. You were friends since kindergarten, and he was actually the one who introduced you to Jaehyun in college.

“Alright, just let me know you’re safe.”

“Thank you, Johnny.”

“Always.” 

Jaehyun was playing with Minah and Jaemin on the floor as he tried to distract his kids. “Daddy is mommy coming back today?”, Minah asked him.

He hoped.

“I don’t really know, baby. Don’t you enjoy playing with your daddy?”, he asked her. “Daddy is the best!”, she hugged him, and tears were forming in his eyes. 

The doorbell rang and Jaehyun and his kids jumped up and hoped to see you standing there, but it was Johnny.

“Uncle Johnny!”, Minah loved her uncle Johnny. “Hey there princess.”, he hugged Minah and high fived Jaemin “Wow, Jaemin. You are growing up so fast.”, and as he looked at his friend, he saw nothing but pain in his eyes.

“Jaemin and Minah, why don’t you go to your room to play. I’ll be there in 5 minutes to play with you, okay?”, Johnny asked the little kids. 

“Why are you here?”, Jaehyun asked. “Is it wrong to look after my friend and his kids?”, Johnny took off his jacket and sat down in the living room.

“She called you, didn’t she? Where is she? Johnny please tell me, I need to know where she is.”, he begged his friend now.

“Listen, Jaehyun, I know that this between you two, but please tell me what in the world did you think you were doing?”

Jaehyun sat down next to him and started crying silently so his kids wouldn’t notice. “Johnny I’m a terrible husband. I fucked up so bad. I-I thought everything was over but-”, he hid his face in his hands. “I fucking said someone else’s name while being with my wife. I am so sorry. I need her I can’t live without her.”

Jaehyun told Johnny everything that has happened last night. Johnny was shocked to hear his friend do such thing. Never did he think that Jaehyun would do that to you. He loved you way too much.

“I am speechless.”

“D-Do you hate me now, too?”, Jaehyun was scared to lose everyone.

“No, I don’t hate you but… you really broke her heart and I don’t know If she’ll stay with you after this.”, he was honest. 

“Johnny I can’t lose her, I’d do anything.”

“It won’t be easy, that’s all I can say. But I’m here for you.”

It’s been three days since you left. You were missing your kids so much, it hurt you so much to be far away from them. You were staying with one of your friends from work, Soobin. She was always there for you and she invited you with open arms.

You decided to talk to your babies, they probably missed you, too. You dialed Jaehyun’s number, you were scared, and your hands were shaking. 

“(Y/n)? H-hello-”, you interrupted Jaehyun before he could say anything more. His voice sounded different. “I want to talk to my kids.”

“A-Aren’t you going to... come back?”, he whispered. 

“I just want to talk to Minah and Jaemin.”

“Okay... Baby? It’s mommy.”

“Mommy!! Mommy I missed you so much!”, Minah said as she talked to her mother after a long time.

“God, baby. Mommy missed you, too. I love you so much, baby. I promise you I’ll come to you as soon as I can.”, you tried to stop your tears.

“Mommy don’t cry. I want to play with you mommy but playing with daddy is also cool. And mommy, Jaemin is not nice! He never wants to play with me.”, she cried into the phone. 

“Okay baby, I’ll talk to him. Can you give me your brother now? I love you.”

“I love you too mommy. Jaemin!! It’s mommy!”

Jaemin was angry, even though he’s just five he noticed that you and Jaehyun were fighting.

“Hello? Jaemin baby can you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“Baby I missed you so much. How are you?”, you wanted to talk to him, but he was too angry at you.

“I don’t miss you! I hate you! Dad is crying because of you! I hate you!”, your heart stopped beating. Your son just told you that he hated you. Your own son. You cried, it hurt so much. You didn’t know what to do.

“Baby I’m sorry. I-”

“No! -”

“Jaemin why are you behaving like that? That’s not nice. You are talking to your mother-”, Jaehyun tried to calm his son down.

“No! I hate you!”, he suddenly also screamed at Jaehyun. Jaemin threw the phone on the floor and ran in his room.

Minah started crying and you heard it all, but you couldn’t do anything. Your heart broke at the sound of your babies crying and yelling. Your son hates you. 

Jaehyun took his phone and heard you crying. 

“I’m sorry he didn’t mean it. Don’t take it to heart, he’s... he’s just angry right now. I’ll handle it, okay? Don’t worry.”, Jaehyun wanted you to stop crying but you just couldn’t. You missed your family so much; it tore you apart.

“I’m... I’m sorry.”, you hung up and cried yourself to sleep. Again.

Two days later, you decided to call Johnny. 

“Hey Johnny.”

“How are you? You sound miserable.”, he didn’t want to be mean or anything, but you really sounded like you just died three times.

“Thank you. I am miserable. My son hates me, my husband cheated on me and I didn’t see my kids for a week.”

“Jaemin doesn’t hate you. He’s simply scared and sad, he is a little kid, he doesn’t understand what is happening right now, but he gets that you two are fighting. Of course, he’s angry. I’d be angry, too. Please stop thinking that way.”

“I don’t know. I’m trying so hard but I just- it’s so hard. How’s Jaehyun?”, you asked him. Of course, you were still worried, you love him and even though he broke your heart, he’s the father of your children.

“He’s sick. I mean like seriously he has fever and all that stuff, I was there this morning, he ate some soup but he’s like sick. The kids are always in their rooms playing. He told me to leave, that he’d handle it, but I don’t know. I was going to look after them tonight.”

Jaehyun was sick. You didn’t want to, but you were so worried right now that you decided to go to your family. They needed you and you needed them.

“I’ll go. Thank you for everything.”

“Are you sure?”, Johnny asked.

“I need to be with my family.”

After the phone call with Johnny, you dressed up and drove to your home. It was strange to go there after a week, you missed it so much and you wished that it was all a bad nightmare, but as soon as you arrived in front of your home, you felt all the pain in your heart again.

You opened the door and took off your jacket and shoes. Scenes of the night you left played in front of your eyes. How Jaehyun was crying his heart out and how betrayed you felt.

You saw your husband laying on the couch with your son next to him. Father and son were sleeping, and a smile placed on your face. It warmed your heart to see the two like that. 

But you couldn’t let your son sleep so close to his sick father. You carried your son to his bed and let him sleep there. On your way back you stopped at your daughters’ room and saw her also sleeping. She’s beautiful and you missed your kids so much. You would never leave them again. No matter what would happen. 

You went back to Jaehyun and tried to slowly wake him up. “Jaehyun. Jaehyun wake up, let’s get you to bed.”

Jaehyun slowly opened his eyes and he saw your beautiful face. “Am... Am I still dreaming?”, he put his hand on your cheek. 

“Jaehyun, stop it and get up. I can’t carry you to bed.”, you didn’t want him to touch you, so you pushed his hand away.

“I can’t believe you are real. I love you.”, Jaehyun looked and sounded so sick. His nose was red, and he was shivering. “I’m so cold.”

After you put Jaehyun to bed, you placed your hand on his forehead, just to see how hot he was. “You are burning.”

Jaehyun could hardly open his eyes, but he needed to see you. He missed you so much, he didn’t even know if you were real or not. 

You went to the bathroom and came back with wet towels. “Jaehyun you need to take off your shirt.”

He slowly tried to take off his shirt, but he was too weak. “I’ll help you.” You helped him taking off his shirt and then you placed the hot towels on his body. “It’s so cold. The bed is always so cold when you are gone. Please don’t leave, I hate it when it’s cold.”, Jaehyun was talking in his half-awake state.

You tried to ignore him, but you also hated to sleep without him next to you, but after what he had done, you were too disgusted. 

Jaehyun fell asleep again and you decided to cook a soup and you looked at your home, it was a mess. Well, you could imagine Johnny trying to clean up, but with a sick Jaehyun and two kids, it’s not easy. You cleaned the floor in the living room, putting the toys back to their right places and after that you cleaned up the kitchen a little. The soup was done and then you heard your little daughter crying. She woke up.

“Baby, Mommy is here it’s okay. Stop crying.”, you picked her up and she stopped crying immediately. “Mommy! Mommy I missed you so much!”

“I missed you to honey. I love you so much.”

After playing with your daughter, your son also woke up. “My little man I missed you so much.”, you were about to hug him, but he stepped back. “No! I don’t want you here!”, it hurt you so much to hear that.

“I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll never leave again. It was an emergency I needed to go baby, but I’m back. Didn’t you miss your mom?”

“No, I didn’t I want dad not you!”, your son ran to his dad’s room and jumped on the bad to hug his dad. Jaehyun woke up as his son jumped around. “I don’t want mommy!”, your son cried into his dad’s arms.

“Jaemin I told you to stop saying that.”, Jaehyun sounded so weak. So fragile. 

You decided to leave your son with Jaehyun, you didn’t want him to cry anymore. 

After seeing Jaehyun so sick you thought of calling your mutual friend, who was a doctor. Kim Doyoung.

Doyoung told you that he’d be here in an hour and you poured the soup into a bowl and placed Jaehyun’s food next to him on the nightstand. 

Jaehyun still looked half-asleep. “I need you so much.”, he whispered. You son was back in his room, playing on his own with his car toys.

“I called Doyoung, he’ll be here soon.”, you just said.

You knew that Jaehyun was too weak to eat on his own and you weren’t heartless.

“You need to finish this, okay? Open your mouth.”, you were sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to leave space between you two, so you could just help him eat.

You didn’t look at him, your eyes where everywhere except for his eyes. But Jaehyun, Jaehyun was watching all your moves, and he tried to look at your beautiful face and eyes, but you wouldn’t let him.

After he ate up the doorbell rang. You opened the door and saw Doyoung standing there. “Thank you so much for coming. He’s so sick and you know how he feels in hospitals.”

“No problem, I told you guys whenever you need me, I’d be here.”

Doyoung checked Jaehyun up and it was easy to tell why he was sick. You stood at the door and watched them.

“Were you stressed lately?”, Doyoung asked. 

You looked on the floor, and Jaehyun looked at you and then back at Doyoung.

“Yes.”

“Alright, so your body couldn’t handle the stress and that’s how you got sick. You need to avoid stress and you need to stay calm. I’ll give you some pain killers and stay in bed. If anything else happens, just call me. But that’s it for now.”

Jaehyun’s regret and worry ate him up and he was so stressed after you left, that his body reacted like that, your heart clenched, but it wasn’t your fault, you told yourself.

After you thanked Doyoung, he left, and you made dinner for your kids. Jaemin didn’t talk to you but Minah never left your side. 

“Mommy is daddy dying?”, she suddenly asked.

“What? Of course not? Why would you think that?”, you were shocked to hear you daughter ask such a question.

“I don’t know, Jaemin said daddy is dying.”, she shrugged her shoulders and played with her doll.

You seriously needed to talk with him, you knew that he was just sad and scared, but it was too much now. 

You sat Minah on her chair and then you called Jaemin because dinner’s ready. After you called him two times, he didn’t come so you decided to look after him.

“Jaemin, dinner’s waiting for you.”, he was playing with his dinosaurs and ignored you.

“Jaemin?”

“I don’t want to!”, here we go again. “Jaemin you are making mommy really sad. Why do you hate me? I love you so much.”

“Dad always cries, and you screamed at him! You hurt dad!”, oh boy, seeing him like this hurt you so much. 

Jaehyun was standing at the door and listened to his son. It is his fault, not yours. His son should hate him, not you.

“I’m so sorry that you feel that way, don’t be scared, we just talked loud. I don’t want you to think that we were fighting. You know that I love your dad I would never hurt him.”, you tried to hug your son, but he ran out of his room, he didn’t even notice Jaehyun standing there.

Jaehyun looked at you, his heart hurt. Everything was his fault and now you were really suffering the most. How could he tell his son, that he was wrong? That his father is a piece of shit. A cheater. How could he tell his son, that he broke his mother’s heart?

You were still sitting on the floor, with your hands you covered your face and cried. You tried to be quiet but Jaehyun was right there.

He was right behind you now and he placed his hand on your shoulder. “I’m sorry, please stop crying. I’ll talk to him. I’ll tell him that it’s... that I’m the one who hurt you.”

“D-Don’t touch me.”, you ignored his words as you backed away. “Just go back to bed.”

You wiped away your tears and left Jaehyun alone, his eyes followed you. It hurt him that you react like that to his touches, but he understood. It hurt him, but you were way more hurt.

Back in the kitchen you helped Minah eating her food and Jaemin just looked at his. “Why is dad not with us?”, he asked. 

“Your dad is sick and needs to sleep. I’ll bring him his soup after you eat.”

“I won’t eat without dad.”, he said now. 

“Jaemin, he would love to eat with you-” “I want dad!”, he yelled now. There was no other way. “Okay I’ll get him.”

You went to your bedroom and opened the door slowly. Jaehyun wiped his tears away as fast as he could but you saw it. There was no point in hiding. 

“Uhm, Jaemin won’t eat without you. C-Could you sit with us?”, you asked slowly.

“Y-Yes I’ll be there. Just give me a second.”, he said, and you nodded.

You went back to the kitchen and sat down “Dad’s coming.”, you smiled at your son. Your daughter was eating with her fingers and you watched her. You love her so much and you were ready to do anything for your kids’ happiness.

Jaehyun came and sat next to your son. “Dad! Let’s eat together!”, Jaemin finally started eating.

“Do you want your soup now or later?”, you asked Jaehyun. 

“Now, please.”, he watched his kids eating and it felt almost like before.

Jaehyun was eating his soup and your kids were also eating. Everyone was eating except you.

“Mommy aren’t you hungry?”, Minah asked.

“No, I’m not hungry.”, you said. “But Mommy you always tell us to eat even if we are not hungry. You need to eat, too!”, after that one night, you lost your appetite. You rarely ate, most of the times you would just eat an apple.

“I’ll eat later, okay? You need to finish first.”

“Okay mommy.”

Minah and Jaemin played around with Jaehyun and you were just sitting there and tried to stop the pain. You tried to forget everything, but you couldn’t.

It was already 10pm and your kids were already sleeping. You didn’t know what exactly to do. Jaehyun was in bed and you were sitting on the couch in the living room. 

What was going to happen next? Are you just going to sleep next to him and act like nothing happened? Are you just going to pretend that everything was fine?

You decided to take a hot bath, but first you made Jaehyun a hot tea. You opened the door to the bedroom and saw him sitting there and looking helpless. His nose was still red.

“I made you some tea.”, you put the tea on the nightstand and Jaehyun watched you. 

“Thank you.”, suddenly he held your wrist before you could leave. “W-Where is it?”, he asked. “What do you mean?”, first, you didn’t understand. “Where is the ring? Where’s the wedding ring?”, he was so scared of your answer.

“I took it off.”, you just said, avoiding his gaze.

“Y-You took it off. Why?”, his voice trembled. “It didn’t feel right to wear it.”

“B-But you promised. You promised me that you’d never take it off! You promised me that you’d always wear it.”, tears fell down his cheeks. He was so desperate. It was your wedding ring. The ring that showed that you two belonged together. 

You were angry. How could he say something like that and cry? How could he act like you were the first one to break a promise? You looked into his eyes for the first time. 

“And you promised me to be faithful. You promised me to never break my heart. You promised me to never hurt me and always love me.”, you pulled away your arm from his grip and stepped back. 

“I guess promises are meant to be broken.”

You turned on your heel and went to the bathroom. After you closed the door behind you, you started crying. You tried to be as quiet as possible but Jaehyun heard you. 

You were right. He broke so many promises he made. Jaehyun broke your heart and he’s scared that you’ll never forgive him. You cried and cried and didn’t leave the bathroom for the next two hours. You were finally home but it didn’t feel like it. You were finally with your kids, but your son hated you. Your words really hit Jaehyun. There was no way that you’d forgive him. He was clueless and he regretted everything so much, he didn’t know what to do.

You couldn’t sleep at all that night. You were sleeping on the couch in the living room, but you were scared that your kids would see you. You were worried about the future. What is going to happen to your marriage? The voice in your head always reminded you that ‘Your husband cheated on you’, you couldn’t stop the voice in your head. But it was the reality you had to face.

Minah was the first to wake up. “Good morning baby.”, you lifted her up and kissed her cheeks. “Mommy I’m hungry.” You heard your son waking up and he opened your bedroom door and jumped on the bed.

“Dad wake up!”, he jumped around. 

With Minah in your arms, you went to your bedroom and saw Jaehyun slowly waking up. “Jaemin your dad is still sick. He needs to rest.”.

“It’s alright. I’m feeling better.”, he smiled at his son. “I want to play with daddy, too!”, your daughter said. You placed your daughter on Jaehyun’s lap. “I’ll prepare breakfast.” 

You would never destroy the relationship between Jaehyun and your kids. Jaehyun’s a great dad, no, a wonderful dad. When you told him that you were pregnant with Jaemin he was so excited. He was so careful with you and fulfilled every wish you had. Even after you gave birth, he never left your side and helped you as much as he could. Jaehyun told you that he wanted 10 kids with you, when you got married and even after Minah he didn’t want to stop having kids. 

You smiled at the memory. You started to blame yourself. After giving birth to two kids, your body didn’t look like before. You felt ugly, of course Jaehyun would cheat on you. Look at you. You look like an ugly piece of shit, you thought.

Your thoughts were interrupted with Jaehyun coming into the kitchen with both of your kids in his arms. “Let’s help mommy”, he said and put his kids down.

Suddenly you got angry. Did he think that you can’t even prepare a simple breakfast? You don’t need help. You are strong. 

“I can handle it.”, you said coldly. 

“No, it’s alright, I can help you.”, he wanted to take the pan from your hand. “No, Jaehyun. I don’t need your help.”, you raised your voice a little. You totally forgot that the kids were also in the kitchen.

You hated to be like this in front of the kids, but you couldn’t control your anger. Jaehyun looked at you with an open mouth. Before you could say anything, the doorbell rang. Luckily, your kids were busy with playing on the kitchen floor, you hoped that they didn’t hear your voice raising at Jaehyun.

You went to open the door and saw Johnny standing there with Donuts. “Morning. I have donuts!”, he was happy to see you finally home. He knew that it was hard for you and that’s why he visited you guys. 

“Thank you John-”, before you could finish your sentence, everything went black and you passed out. The last thing you heard was Johnny telling Jaehyun to call an ambulance. 

Jaehyun called the ambulance and ran to you and Johnny. “What... What happened? (Y/n)? Can you hear me? Baby please open your eyes.”, Jaehyun held you in his arms and he totally forgot about his kids who were watching the scene. Johnny saw them standing there and lifted both kids up and brought them to their room. “What is happening to my... my mom?”, Jaemin cried. He was so scared. Your daughter was already crying and screaming. She was also totally scared, and she didn’t understand what was happening. 

“She’ll be fine, don’t worry. You dad’s going to the hospital, they’ll look after her. Don’t worry.” Johnny tried to cheer the kids up, but he also didn’t know what was happening. 

Jaehyun was holding you and crying. It felt like hours until the ambulance came. He never let go of you. 

You woke up in a bright room. You didn’t know where you were or what happened. Your eyes slowly got used to the bright lights and then you saw Jaehyun sitting next to you on a chair, eyes closed. 

You tried to take your hand away, but he didn’t let go. You slowly tried to sit up and Jaehyun also woke up. 

“You’re awake. How are you feeling? Wait never mind, I’ll just call the doctor.” before you could say anything he ran out of the room and called the doctor. 

He came back with the doctor and held your hand again as he sat down next to you. 

“How are you feeling, Mrs. Jung?”, he asked you as he looked through your file.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m alright.”, the doctor couldn’t heal the pain in your heart, obviously. 

“I need to ask you some question. When was the last time you ate something?”, he looked at you and Jaehyun, too. You felt uncomfortable.

“Uhm, I- can’t answer that.”, you looked down.

“Why?”, he asked. “Because I don’t know.”, you answered quietly. Jaehyun looked at you with worry written all over his face. 

The doctor wrote something down and looked back at you. “And sleep? Can you sleep or are you having trouble with that?”

You nodded slowly “It’s hard to fall asleep.”

“How long did you sleep last night?”

“Not at all.”, you didn’t want Jaehyun to know that.

“And the night before?”, the doctor asked. “Maybe two hours?”, you weren’t sure. “Were you stressed lately?”, why is everybody asking you and Jaehyun this. Is it that obvious?

“Y-Yes.”, you finally freed your hand out of Jaehyun’s, who was in his own world right now. This needs to stop, first Jaehyun got sick because of the stress and now you were in the hospital.

“Well, your body needs energy. You must eat to produce energy. And sleep is especially important. Your body and mind need to recover, it seems like your body couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know what is going on in your private life, but I recommend you to see a psychologist. Your mental state is connected to your body, and If you don’t do anything about it, your body will also suffer. I’ll give you some vitamins you need to take, and you need to stay for tonight, we need to make sure, you won’t pass out again. Any questions?”, the doctor told you all of this in one go and you knew that it was true. But it was so hard for you. Every time you closed your eyes, you saw the fight in front of you. Every time you ate something, you thought of you husband with someone else and you couldn’t continue eating.

“No. Thank you.”, you said, 

“That’s it then. I hope you get well soon.”, you tried to smile at him, but you were too weak.

After the doctor left, you mind wandered to your kids. “The kids- Jaehyun! The kids, where are my kids?”, you totally forgot that Johnny came to visit.

“They are with Johnny. Don’t worry, he came before you... passed out.”, he looked down, to ashamed to be the reason that you were laying in a hospital bed.

“Where’s my phone?”, you asked. “At home. You can use mine.”, he handed you his. 

You looked at the phone in is hand. Did he saved her number? Did he text her? Is he still texting her? Do they have pictures together? You had thousand questions. “C-Call Johnny. FaceTime.”, you would never touch that phone. After two rings, Johnny answered. 

“Hey, are you guys alright? Where’s (Y/n)?”, he asked. Jaehyun turned the phone to you. “I’m fine, Johnny. Thank you. Can I talk to the kids?”

“Sure. Minah. Jaemin. It’s your mom.”, he handed the phone Jaemin, who was sitting next to Minah. “Mommy! Where are you?”, Minah started crying. “Baby don’t cry. Daddy and I are staying together. Don’t worry okay? We’ll come back home tomorrow.”, you didn’t want to tell her that you were staying at the hospital.

“Jaemin, baby? Can you be a good big brother and look after your sister? I love you two so much.”, your son didn’t say a word. He started crying and you did, too. It broke your heart that he didn’t talk to you. “Daddy.”, Minah cried out. “Yes baby?”, he came closer and he could also be seen now. “Daddy give Mommy a kiss. That will help her. Mommy always kisses us when we are sick.”, she insisted, while crying. Jaehyun and you wanted to stop your daughter from crying and that’s why you nodded after he asked you with his eyes. 

He slowly placed a kiss on your forehead. You had your eyes closed and you missed him so much that it hurt to feel his lips on your skin again. Jaehyun’s eyes were also closed and the kiss felt like forever.

After the call ended, you watched the sun go down. Jaehyun was outside, getting your food. You still didn’t want to eat. But after what happened today, you didn’t want to scare your kids like this again.

He brought you tomato soup, salat and rice with some meat. The soup reminded you, that Jaehyun was still sick.

“Jaehyun.”, you said. “Yes? Is it too hot?”, he asked.

“No, just- You’re still sick, you should rest and eat this, you need it more than I do.”, he looked at you like you were crazy.

“What? No. I’m totally fine. You need to finish all of this and then you’ll sleep. I’m feeling way better.”, you were the most important person for him.

“But-”

“No but’s. I’ll just buy myself a sandwich or something.”

“This is too much for me. Let’s share. I know that you love tomato soup.”, his heart flipped as you said this. You know everything about him. He didn’t answer, just watched you. “Jaehyun?”

“Mhm?”

“I said let’s share the soup. Please?”

How could he say no to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen?

After sharing your soup, you slowly finished the rest. It was awkward that Jaehyun was just sitting next to you on the chair. “Jaehyun, go home.”

“What? Why?”

“The chair is uncomfortable, I know that you can’t stand hospitals, and you are sick, and the kids need you-”, he interrupted you “And I need you, and I won’t go anywhere without you. I don’t care If I sleep on this chair or on the floor. I just want to be with you.”

You looked at him for a second and then you hid your face under your blanket. You didn’t know what exactly you felt when he said that, but you felt so many things.

Pain, love, longing. 

You were so exhausted that you fell asleep and Jaehyun watched you. He was scared that it could be the last time he saw your face. Jaehyun couldn’t let you go. He wouldn’t. But what if you do leave him one day? 

Jaehyun and you were finally home. Your kids were at the kindergarten thanks to Johnny. You called in sick for work and Jaehyun did too. You two barely spoke since last night. Whenever he said something, he got short replies from you. 

You were laying on the couch and Jaehyun was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, even though you weren’t hungry, but he insisted. 

Jaehyun was worried. He was determined to cook for you and keep you healthy.  He heard some voices from the living room and thought that you were watching TV or something. But as he stood behind you, he leaned against the doorframe and watched you watching your wedding videos. 

You were so bored, that you decided to watch the happy times. You wanted to see how it was to be happy and in love. You missed that feeling, you missed Jaehyun looking at you like he did on your wedding day. 

In the next clip, you were slow dancing with Jaehyun. Your first dance as a married couple. Everything was perfect. Too good to be true.

Jaehyun heard you sniffing and knew that you were crying again. He placed your breakfast on the table and sat down next to you. Not too close, he didn’t want you to back away or something.

“What happened to us?”, you asked him with a trembling voice. “We were so happy.”

The next clip was the day you gave birth to Jaemin. Jaehyun was crying and he held your hand. “Come on baby, you got this. You are incredible. I love you so much.”

“I love you Jaehyun- Oh god!”, you screamed as you were giving birth. Jaehyun supported you as much as he could. He let you squeeze his hand, scream and yell at him because of the pain you were going through.

“I... I don’t know...”, Jaehyun looked at you and then back at the TV. It was Jaemin’s first birthday. 

“I am not hungry.”, you said. Because you really weren’t.

“You need to eat something. The Doctor strictly told you to-”, he tried to convince you, but you were to angry. 

“I don’t care! I don’t fucking care!”, you yelled at him suddenly. You watched your son smiling happily at you but now, now he hated you. The smile on Jaemin’s face triggered something in you. “This is all your fault! Everything is your fucking fault!”

“I know. I’m sorry. Just eat a little-”, he tried to calm you down.

“I don’t want to eat something I want my son! You did this to me! He hates me because of you! My son hates me. He hates me.”, you were covering your face as you cried. Jaehyun was sitting next to you, helpless. 

“My own son hates me for something I didn’t even do. I don’t deserve all of this. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“I’ll talk to him, please stop crying. You didn’t do anything wrong.”, Jaehyun’s heart arched.

“You will talk to him?”, your blood shot eyes looked at him now. “What are you going to tell him? ‘I cheated on your mother Jaemin.’ huh? ‘You mother didn’t do anything wrong; it was me who fucked someone else.’?! What are you going to tell him?!”, your voice got louder every second. 

Jaehyun was also crying now. “I-I don’t know. Are you ever going to forgive me? I know I fucked up big time and it was the biggest mistake in my life.”, he was about to hold your hand, but you pulled away.

“A mistake you did for three whole months. Why did you even stop? Got too bored with her? Were you looking for someone else to fuck? Two women weren’t enough for you?”, she was furious, and she wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt her. 

“Don’t say that. You are the only one for me, (Y/n). I... You were -are- too good for me. I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I know I made a mistake for months, but I was scared!”, he tried to wipe away his tears, but it didn’t help, tears were falling down his cheeks.

“Obviously, I wasn’t the only one. Would you ever tell me about it? If you hadn’t... If I hadn’t found out that night would you have ever told me?”

Would he? He didn’t know. 

“I-I don’t know...”

You didn’t say anything to this.

“Maybe we should just get a div-”, you said but Jaehyun interrupted you. “Don’t you ever dare say that word. I won’t leave you. Ever. I know you don’t trust me, but I’ll do anything to gain your trust again. I’ll do anything you want me to. I love you so much, I can’t live without you. Please don’t leave me.”, he was on his knees now, looking up to your eyes and then his face fell into your lap and he cried. 

The scene in front of you was heartbreaking. You looked at the TV and saw the clip of you and Jaehyun with Jaemin, a couple hours after you gave birth to Minah. Jaehyun cried out of happiness on the screen and now he was crying and holding onto you like you would disappear if he let go.

“I’ll be better. I promise you I’ll be the man you deserve. I promise you I’ll never hurt you again. Please don’t leave me. I love you. I love you so much.”, he cried and as you put your hand on his head and stroked his hair, you thought that maybe, just maybe, you could work things out.

 “Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Jung. I’m Dr. Hwang. Since it is your first time here, it would be great if you could tell me a little about yourselves and your relationship.”

A week after your last fight with Jaehyun, you decided to go to couple therapy. You thought, maybe a professional could help you go through all of this. 

“Let’s start with you, Mrs. Jung.”, she smiled at you. 

Jaehyun was sitting on the other edge of the couch and felt uneasy. He feared someone else knowing about what kind of terrible husband he is. He was ashamed and he knew how hard it was for you. 

“Well, I’m 28 and I’m working in a publishing company. That’s basically it.”, you didn’t know what other information she needed to know. 

“Do you have any hobbies? What are you doing in your free time?”, she asked. 

“If playing with my kids and cooking count as a hobby, then yes. And free time. I don’t know, I don’t actually have time for myself.”, you answered honestly.

“Alright. Now you Mr. Jung.”

“Well, I’m 29 and I work as a manager in a company. And I don’t have any hobbies.”

“Okay, thank you. Now please tell me how you two met and about your relationship in general.”

“We met in college.”, Jaehyun began talking with a smile on his face as he remembered how he met you. “It may sound cliché, but we didn’t like each other at first. We teased each other a lot. She looked so cute when she got mad and one day, I couldn’t handle her cuteness, so I just kissed her to shut her up and that’s basically it. I never loved anyone else since that day.”

You smiled, too. You remembered that day so well. You always had a crush on Jaehyun since the first day you met. Who wouldn’t? You were so shy at first but after he started teasing you, you teased him, too. The way you two looked at each other every time while teasing each other, it was like you were waiting for him to kiss you and when he did, you knew that he was the one. The one you’d spend the rest of your life with. The love of your life. 

“That’s a cute story.”, Dr. Hwang smiled. “So please tell me now why you are here.”

It was too hard for you to say it out loud. You waited for Jaehyun to talk about it and he did. He knew it wasn’t easy to talk about it.

“We are here because I... because I cheated on my wife for three months.”, he looked down to his lap.

Dr. Hwang was writing down something as she listened to Jaehyun.

“Okay, please tell me more about it. How and why did you decided to come here? How did it start, and why did you stop?”

“Uhm, my wife found out because I- I said the other, person’s name, while we were... together...”, Jaehyun was so embarrassed. “It started in April, I think, with, uhm, with someone from work. I did it because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. (Y/n) is perfect in everything and I am just... me. I felt so little and useless and it is pathetic but I... I needed someone to tell me that I was good enough and... I couldn’t think straight and ended up with the... other person. After the first time I didn’t know what to do. I was too scared to tell (Y/n) and too dumb to stop it. It was our daughter’s birthday when I realized, that I was doing a big mistake and that I was destroying the perfect life I had. And then I broke it off , because I knew that I was hurting my wife, even though she didn’t know it back then. I was disgusted in myself and stopped as soon as I could. I know that nothing justifies my behavior but... I just wanted someone to tell me that I was... good...”

You didn’t know how to feel after he said all of that. Were you hurt because he looked for someone who was there for him? Were you hurt because you weren’t that person? Was everything you fault? 

“Thank you, Mr. Jung. Mrs. Jung please tell me how you felt when you found out.”

That was hard to answer. “Well, I... I felt numb. I didn’t feel anything at first. After I found out, I left for a week. When I was alone I... I realized everything and I only felt pain... After I came back, I was numb again... but everything boiled up in me and I was furious.”

“Okay, thank you. So, I can tell, that you are going through a rough time. Both of you. What do you except to happen, now that you are here?”, she asked. 

“I want my wife to be happy again. I need her to forgive me for everything I’ve ever done because I love her. I want to save our marriage.”

Mrs. Hwang nodded and looked back at you. “I want to save our marriage, too.”

And that was your first session. You looked out of the window as Jaehyun drove home.

“What do you think of her?”, Jaehyun asked after a while. 

“She seemed nice. And you?”

“Yeah. She really seemed nice; I hope she’ll help us.”

After you arrived home it was timer for dinner. Luckily, Johnny watched your kids. He really is the best, you thought.

“Thank you for everything, Johnny. I’m so sorry to drag you into this mess.”, you were cooking dinner with Johnny next to you as Jaehyun played with the kids. 

“I told you guys; I’ll always be there for you. Whatever happens between you two, I’m here for you two. And you know that I love the kids and of course they love me, I mean, Uncle Johnny is way cooler than Uncle Mark.”, he laughed and after a long time, you laughed, too.

Johnny stayed for dinner; it was less awkward. He was talking to Jaehyun and to the kids the whole time. You were playing with your food, slowly eating, because again, you weren’t hungry. Jaehyun watched you from time to time. 

“Mommy??”, you were so deep in thoughts that you didn’t even hear Minah talking to you. 

“Yes honey?”

“Mommy can Uncle Johnny sleep here tonight? Please Mommy!”, Minah said excitingly. 

“But honey-”

“Mommy please?”, Jaemin asked you now. He was careful when he talked to you since you went to the hospital. The next day he saw you at home he cried again and jumped up, he wanted you to lift him up and you did.

“Mommy!”, he cried into your shoulder. “I thought I hurt you because I screamed at you... did you go to the hospital because of me Mommy?”, he cried.

“Oh my god, baby no! No of course not, I love you baby why would you think that.”, you cried, too. 

Minah was in Johnny’s arms and started crying, too. You promised yourself that you’d never scare your kids like this ever again. After that Jaemin was talking to you as if you were fragile and could break any moment, which was the case. 

“I’m sorry Mommy.”, Jaemin held you and never wanted to let go.

“(Y/n)?”, Jaehyun called for you now.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. Uhm, I don’t know... Johnny?”, you looked at him. “I don’t care actually, It’s up to you guys.”

“It’s fine for me.”, Jaehyun didn’t mind.

“Yes! Thank you! Come on Uncle Johnny let’s watch Toy story!”, Minah jumped in her seat and Jaemin smiled brightly.

You on the other side weren’t that happy. For the past weeks you slept on the couch, you didn’t even think of sleeping in your bed with Jaehyun. But If Johnny stays, he needs a place to sleep. 

Your kids were sleeping already and Jaehyun was talking to Johnny in the living room. You placed a blanket and a pillow on the couch and asked him if that was alright for him.

“Yeah don’t worry about me. Thanks.”

“Okay, uhm. I’m going to bed, good night.”

After a long time, you’d sleep in your bedroom again. You were nervous. After changing your clothes and brushing your teeth, you got under the blankets. It felt strange to be in this bed. You were at the edge, one push you’d fall, but this is also Jaehyun’s bed and you were scared to be too close.

It’s been a couple minutes since you were in bed and were laying on your back, eyes open. 

Jaehyun came in and slowly closed the door. None of you talked and as he went to the bathroom, it felt like you could breathe again.

Jaehyun changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, and came back. 

“(Y/n)?”, he asked. 

“Yes?”, you looked at each other now. “C-Can I sleep here? I can also sleep on the floor If you want me to. Or I can sleep with Joh- okay no, just the floor.”

You wanted to laugh when he mentioned sleeping with Johnny, but he looked just like a lost puppy. “Yes, you can sleep here. It’s also your bed after all.”

He nodded and slowly got under the blankets next to you. It felt like years, being with him in the same bed. Jaehyun was also laying on his back, looking up. He tried to give you as much space as you needed but he wanted to touch you, he wanted to hold your hand and kiss you. Jaehyun wanted to breathe in your smell, the scent of vanilla he loved so much. Jaehyun wanted to tell you that he loves you. But he couldn’t.

He turned to the side to look at you. You felt his gaze on you and turned your face to him. The moon shined brightly tonight and was your only source of light. 

Slowly, his hand got closer to your cheek, he was about to stroke your cheek but as you closed your eyes, he just couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to touch you with his dirty hands. 

You thought he’d place his hand on your cheek but as you opened your eyes, you saw the struggle in his. 

“I’m sorry.”, he pulled his hand back.

“Good night, Jaehyun.”, you said as you turned around, your back now facing him.

“Good night.”

Jaehyun was standing in front of you but it seemed like he didn’t see you or hear you. No matter how loud you screamed, Jaehyun never reacted.

“Jaehyun!”, you screamed again. There was a woman standing next to Jaehyun now, you couldn’t see her face. “Jaehyun!”, you screamed again. Jaehyun pulled the unknown woman closer to him and then he hugged her. “What the- Jaehyun? Can’t you see me? Please, Jaehyun?!”

You couldn’t move no matter how hard you tried, nothing worked. “I missed you so much, baby.”, Jaehyun said to the woman. “No Jaehyun! Please don’t! I’m here! I’m right here!”

The woman’s face was blurry, you couldn’t tell who it was. Jaehyun’s hand pulled her by her head and kissed her. He was kissing the woman right in front of your eyes and there was nothing you could do. “Jaehyun! Don’t do this to me please don’t. Please don’t kiss her!”, you were crying so hard that your sight got blurry. 

“(Y/n)! Do you hear me?!”, you could hear Jaehyun’s voice, but it was impossible. He was kissing her. How could he talk to you while he was kissing the other woman?

“Wake up (Y/n)! Everything’s fine, baby. Open your eyes.”

Nothing is fine. Stop kissing her. 

“It’s just a dream. Please wake up.”, he begged.

A dream? More like a nightmare. 

Suddenly you opened your eyes and you were breathing heavily with sweat everywhere. Your heart hurt and you were scared. Was it just a dream? A nightmare?

“Look at me. It was just a dream.”, Jaehyun held you in his arms as he tried to calm you down. 

You didn’t even notice how hard you were crying. You gripped his shirt with your hands and pulled him closer. Too scared to lose him if you let go.

“It’s okay baby. You are safe now. Everything is alright.”, he placed kisses on your hair as he held you. You were slowly able to breathe in a normal rhythm, but you didn’t let him go.

“It... It was so real. J-Jaehyun it felt so real...”, you whispered. 

Little did you know that you were talking in your sleep. Jaehyun heard you crying out loud and he knew exactly what happened in your dream. 

“I know baby, but it was just a nightmare. It wasn’t real, please stop crying.”

You let him go as you thought about your dream. It wasn’t just a dream. It happened. Jaehyun did that to you. He did kiss another woman.

“L-Let me go...”, you whispered. 

“Are you feeling better now?”, he asked as he slowly let you go.

You shook your head. “Is there anything I can do for you?”, he asked now.

“N-No. Nothing I... I just need- I don’t know what I need.”

You really didn’t know what you need. Everything was happening so fast but at the same time so slow.

“I’m going to take a shower.”, you got up and left him alone in your bed. Jaehyun let out a sigh as he tried to get back to sleep. 

But that night, neither of you got any sleep.

One week past and today was your second couple therapy session.

“Is there anything you want to know, Mrs. Jung? Mr. Jung promised to answer all of your questions.”

He really did. Jaehyun promised to tell you everything you wanted to know. 

“Well, there are some questions I have...”

Jaehyun looked at you but you avoided eye contact.

“Go for it, Mrs. Jung. Just ask.”

You played with your fingers as you tried to ask the questions that bothered you for so long now. “My first question is... uhm... You said it was someone from work... do you, still... like... see her?”, your heart was beating hardly against your chest.

“I- uhm, yes. She’s there when I go to work...”, he was also playing with his fingers now, too scared to see your reaction.

“Okay... d-do you talk to her?”

“No. Not like before. I mean... just a little at our meetings, but like we are all talking, I’m not directly talking to her.”, he tried to explain that he really isn’t talking casually to her. Only when it is totally necessary.

“And you stopped... doing it with her, right?”, you asked even though Jaehyun told you many times that it was long over.

“Yes.”

“I have another question.”

Jaehyun’s eyes were on you again.

“Did you... When you said that you... uhm... chose me. Did you mean it? No, I mean... why? No no... god this is so stupid... Just tell me why you said that and If you were really about to... choose her...”, Jaehyun’s words that night really hurt you. Choosing your wife over your affair? Did Jaehyun really think about that back then?

You didn’t even notice the tears falling.

“I didn’t mean it like that- I... It was always you. I chose to love you many years ago and I still do and forever will love only you. I don’t know why I said that... I guess I tried to tell you that I was also hurt all the time and... It’s just that I thought... think... that I’m worthless. You are perfect. Literally perfect. And I thought you deserve better, you still do, but I love you. I always thought that you’d be happier... without me. I thought it would be better If we”, he let out a sigh, “broke everything off and the best way to this was to... hurt you. I know it’s stupid and If I could I’d go back in time and beat the shit -sorry- out of me.”, he tried to explain that it wasn’t choosing between you and her but between your life without him and your life with him.

Jaehyun was deep in thoughts as he talked, he tried to explain his stupid situation to you as good as he could, so that you could understand him, even a little. 

 You tried to go through everything in your head, but it was too much. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now,” you left Jaehyun and Dr Hwang as you tried to calm down. You got inside of your car and tried to breathe. You closed your eyes shut, trying to delete the images in your head. The images of Jaehyun with another woman. It didn’t stop. Whatever you thought of, you ended up with the same image in your mind.

You didn’t even notice that Jaehyun was sitting next to you. Tears also falling down his cheeks. You felt so helpless. You felt like there was nothing you could do to erase the pain.

“(Y/n), please look at me. Please. I’m trying so hard, I’m so sorry.”, Jaehyun cupped your cheeks. He was looking into your eyes and he wiped off your tears. “I’ll do anything for you. As long as you stop crying. I promise you the pain will stop.”

“Do you really think that? Do you really think that it’ll stop? Do you really think that I’ll be able to forgive you and we’ll be happy again?”, you searched for answers in his eyes.

“I know it. I know that we’ll be happy again. That you’ll be happy again. You are the strongest woman I know, and I will do anything in my hand to make you smile again.”

“I hate to be like that but… C-Can you stop working there? I... I don’t want you to be close to her.”, in the deepest of your mind you told yourself that it didn’t matter where he worked. He could do it again. Even if he changed his workplace, how could you be sure that it won’t happen again?

You tried to ignore the voice inside your head.

“If it’s what you want, of course. I told you I’d do anything for you.”

Silence. There was another question in your head, but you feared the answer.

“Jaehyun?”, you asked.

“Yes?”

“Do you still have her number? Or like… anything that involves her on your phone?”, you looked out of the window, you tried to focus so that you wouldn’t cry.

“No, I promise you. There’s nothing that involves her.”

“Okay.”, you sighed. You weren’t sure If you could believe him but at this point it didn’t even matter.

It’s been 8 months since the worst day in your life.

It was a very difficult journey until today. It was hard for you, after the first night you slept in your own bed, you stopped sleeping in the living room. Most of the times you were haunted by nightmares but day after day they became less. You and Jaehyun were close, yet so far from each other. In front of your kids you acted like always, like the happy couple with no failures, but when you were alone, you put a big distance between you two. You never let him touch you and he never tried, knowing how hard it was for you. In those 8 months, you never even kissed. But it was alright, Jaehyun would walk through fire for you.

The furthest of skin ship that happened was a couple months ago when you hugged him. You just hugged him out of nowhere and you didn’t let go for a whole hour. Jaehyun was too scared to put his hands around you but you asked him to.

“Please just hug me back. I need this right now.”

And he slowly hugged you back. Pulling you closer than you already were and softly caressing your hair.

You were still going to couple therapy together. It helped you so much, you wouldn’t know what would’ve happened If you were all alone. Johnny helped you also so much, taking care of the kids and even Jaehyun.

Jaehyun still hates himself. He acted like you were fragile, always trying to make you happy, never crossing any line you set. He came straight home after work and spend all his time with you and your kids. Jaehyun cooks for you to surprise you and he buys a different bouquet of flowers every Sunday for you.

Today, on your son’s sixth birthday, you invited your family and friends to celebrate your baby’s birthday. You never told anyone, except Johnny of course, what happened between you and Jaehyun. You were scared that your dad would rip Jaehyun’s head of and you didn’t want Jaehyun’s parents to know that his son did something as disgusting as that. It was your marriage and it was something between you and Jaehyun, but still, he couldn’t look his and your parents in the eyes. After months, he couldn’t even look you properly in the eyes.

After your son opened his toys, you couldn’t find Jaehyun. You opened your bedroom door and you could hear him crying. He was in the bathroom, sitting on the floor and he covered his face with his hands and just cried.

“Jaehyun?”, you closed the door and kneeled. “Jaehyun why are you crying? Hey, stop crying, Jaemin’s just six… he’s still your little-”

“I-I’m not crying because he’s growing up so fast, well, that’s also a reason but... It’s just…”, he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

You took his hands into your hands and looked at him. His eyes were blood shot red and the tears were falling down, and it seemed like they wouldn’t stop anytime.

“Hey, it’s alright. Look at me- “

“I can’t. I can’t look at you or at our family- I can’t even look at my own children. I just can’t. I don’t deserve any of you. I can’t look at your parents, knowing how much I hurt their daughter. I can’t look at my parents, knowing how disappointed they’d be. I can’t look at you, knowing that I am the reason for the pain in your heart, the tears in your eyes and the nightmares when you sleep. What kind of father am I? I always wanted to be a role model for my son, but now I hope that he never becomes like me.”

You were also crying now, you forgot about your family in the living room and you just cried with Jaehyun in the bathroom. “Jaehyun you are a great father, stop thinking like that. We’ll go through this together, don’t you remember? You promised me that.”

“I know but… what If I’m not good enough? What If I can’t make you happy again? What If- “, before Jaehyun could finish his sentence, you placed your lips on his. It was a slow kiss, you could taste the tears while you kissed him and he could, too. Both of your eyes closed, hand in hand.

Jaehyun was scared to go too far, but you sat on his lap and pulled him closer to you. After you kissed him, even though none of you wanted to stop, you placed your head in the crook of his neck and hugged him.

“I love you so much.”, he said as he hugged you back.

You couldn’t say it. He knew that you couldn’t, and it was alright. Jaehyun would give you all the time in the world. You wanted to tell him, that you loved him so much, but it was hard. But both of you knew, that you loved him.

It was your wedding anniversary one month later, and Jaehyun asked you out. This would be your first date after a whole year. You spent the last anniversary at home with your kids, at that time Jaehyun was rarely at home.

But two days ago, he bought so many roses and decorated your bedroom and asked you out. Jaehyun already asked Johnny to watch your kids and he happily agreed to do so, now it was just up to you. Were you ready to go on a date with Jaehyun?

Yes, you were.

Jaehyun told you to be ready at 7, he was still at work and told you to get ready. You stood in front of your closet, not sure what to wear. “He likes red. Maybe I should wear this- “, you were interrupted by the kids and Johnny.

“Mommy!! Can we come in?”, Jaemin asked.

“Yes, what’s wrong?”, you asked them as they entered your bedroom.

“This is for you.”, Jaemin and Minah handed you a package. “What’s this?”, you asked confused. “Just open it.”, Johnny smiled brightly.

And so, you did. There was a beautiful black dress inside the package. “Daddy told us to give you that!”, Minah said happily.

The dress was beautiful, really beautiful and it looked expensive. How could you were something so expensive, what If you drop anything on it while you eat?

“Mommy come on change we want to see it!!”, Jaemin jumped around.

“Okay okay, now get out.”, you smiled.

After you changed, you looked at the mirror and your jaw dropped. It’s been a long time since you wore something like this. It was a long black dress with thin straps, skintight, with a cut on the left side of your leg. You let your hair open and curled the tips a little. You were so excited; you almost forgot the most important thing.

Your wedding ring.

After you took it off, you only wore it when your family was around. But today you decided to wear it and you wouldn’t take it off again.

“How do I look?”, you asked after you left your room.

“Not better than me, that’s for sure.”, Johnny joked.

“Mommy is a princess!!”, Minah’s eyes shined just like you did.

“You are also a princess, my pretty girl.”, you placed a kiss on her head.

“When I grow up, I am going to marry you mommy.”, Jaemin said.

“Oh my god, can you get any cuter?”, you were about to tear up but the doorbell rang. You opened the door and you saw Jaehyun smiling brightly at you with another bouquet of roses in his hands. He was wearing a suit, and lord, Jaehyun in a suit was your weak point.

“Holy shit. “, he started.

“Jaehyun! Language!”, you hoped that your kids didn’t hear that.

“I’m sorry it’s just. Holy shit.”, he said again.

“I think it’s time to go.”, you waved at your kids and Johnny closed the door, Jaehyun was still in trance.

Jaehyun had a reservation at the restaurant you first went to on your first date

“It’s been so long since we came here, but nothing changed.”, you said, and he agreed with a hum. “God you are so beautiful.”, that was the nth time he told you how beautiful you were.

“Jaehyun stop, don’t make me shy.”

“But you are cute.”, he admired you.

The waiter filled your glasses with wine and as you put your hand around it, Jaehyun noticed the ring.

“You are wearing it?”, he smiled at you.

“Yes, and I don’t want to take it off. Ever again.”, you looked at it with a smile on your face.

“I’m sorry but you have to.”, he said seriously.

“W-What? Why?”

He took out a little box of his Jackett and opened it. “I want to give you this.”, there was a ring inside of the box. “We can’t… restart our marriage and I can’t erase our memories, I can’t undo what happened, but I can promise you, that I’ll love you with every breathe I take and that I’ll give you the happiness you deserve. I’ll do anything as long as you are happy, and I’ll never hurt you again. I can’t imagine my life without you. You gave me two beautiful children and your heart. It’s more than I deserve but I promise you, I will show you how much I love you until my last breath. This ring is my promise to you. I don’t want you to look at your old ring and think about… the bad times. I want you to look at this ring and feel happiness and love.”, Jaehyun was holding your hand and looked at you. For so many months, he couldn’t even talk to you, and now he was looking you straight into the eyes as he talked.

“Is that alright for you?”, he asked then.

You felt like crying again, but you didn’t want to, so you didn’t talk. You nodded your head and smiled at him.

He took off your old ring and replaced it with the new one.

You looked at it with the biggest smile on your face.

Of course, your heart didn’t heal fully, but day by day, the pieces of your broken heart got back together.

“I love you.”, he meant it. Jaehyun really meant it every time he told you he loved you. After being so close to losing you, it felt like his love for you grew and is still growing.

“I love you.”, after a whole year, you finally said it and it felt good. You were happy right now, it felt so good to say it back.

Life isn’t easy, everybody knows that. You could cry all day long and suffer in pain or you could do something to be happy again.

People tend to forget that time is the key. The process of healing takes time and that’s good.

Time heals all our wounds. Sometimes it takes longer but, in the end, you’ll be happy again.

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

And I Will Hold Onto You

Summary: They’ve never been apart for holidays since they started dating. That was until Spencer Reid found himself behind bars for a crime he’d never think of committing. Growing and healing, Spencer realizes that it’s not the holidays that matter, it’s the person. Because with that special person, who’s laugh he can recognize anywhere, even cleaning up the empty bottle the next morning is magical.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female Reader

Word Count: 2.1K

Author’s Note/Warnings: Body Image Issues (Male) nothing too descriptive, prison arc is mentioned/is central issue; loosely based of New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift

Also this is technically a part 2 to Drag Me Head First but it doesn’t have to be read that way.

And I Will Hold Onto You

There’s something special in the way that the first midnight of the new year feels. All that hopefulness and excitement packed into a 10 second countdown. The energy in the room slowly bubbles up, culminating as the ball drops. It fizzles out as loved ones share chaste kisses and friends hug. But all that remains are last year’s bottles and this year’s dreams. Maybe it’s something that Spencer always took for granted.

The cold midnight air is jarring, compared to his warm and cozy house. Spencer walks quickly, taking out the trash, filled with bottles of beer and wine. The snow crunches under his shoes and Spencer can see his breath in the air as he huffs to toss the bag in the black trash bin. Spencer, despite the way the cold air nips his nose, stops in his tracks and gazes up at the stars. It’s unfortunate living where he does, you can never really see all the stars. Maybe Y/N would like to take a trip in their cabin the next time he can get off? He could show her all the stars. But Spencer doesn’t need to go to the middle of the woods to see the stars; he can simply look into Y/N’s eyes and see all the magic the universe has to offer.

Spencer lets himself back into his house, just as Garcia and Derek are putting their shoes and coats on to leave. Y/N comes out of the kitchen carrying two trays of leftover food for their friends to take home.

“Penny, please kiss those sweet babies for me,” Y/N says, handing Luke the trays of food. She leans over to kiss Penelope on her cheek.

“They can only sweet when they are sleeping,” Penelope says, rolling her eyes and putting her coat on. It’s more of a cape in a spectacular plum purple color with cream colored faux fur trim.

“Don’t act so surprised, mi amor, look who their mother is,” Luke says, cheekily. He hugs Spencer and Y/N before grabbing Garcia’s hand with his empty one.

“Happy New Year!” Garcia and Luke call as they leave, shutting the door behind them. Spencer locks the door and heads back to the kitchen to help Y/N clean up. The plates sit in the sink piled high, with tall champagne glasses resting next to them on the counter. Glitter scatters on the floor, confetti in the shapes of “1s” and “6” lay littered on the tiles, remnants of the festivities just moments before.

Y/N stands over the sink, her hand rests on the ledge. She turns on the water and starts washing the dishes. Spencer walks up quietly behind her, nuzzling his hand into the corner of her ear and shoulder. He hums, the vibrations echoing into Y/N’s neck, causing her to giggle. He joins his hands together around Y/N’s waist, holding her tight.

“Happy New Year, my love,” Spencer whispers, his voice hardly audible above the stream of water. Even though Spencer can’t see Y/N, he can feel the way her cheeks grow against the side of his head. She’s smiling.

“It is a very happy, new year,” Y/N says, her voice strong, yet Spencer can tell it’s hard for her to keep it together. It’s not their first new year, far from it, it’s their 13th. But this time, it feels different to hold her in his arms and kiss her as the clock strikes 12.

They wash the dishes in silence, a comforting silence where certain things don’t need to be said. Like a well oiled machine, Y/N washes, Spencer dries. The sudsy dish soap smells like home and Y/N’s quiet hums sound like peace. Spencer really forgot how much he could love even the most mundane of tasks when Y/N stands next to him.

“Come on, Y/N we can do this tomorrow. Let’s just go to bed,” Spencer says, tugging on Y/N’s long sleeve of her thermal shirt.

“Hmm, I can’t argue against your cuddles, sweetheart,” Y/N murmurs tiredly, easily pushing the thoughts of clean up to the next morning. Her hand joins his, like a key finding it’s matching lock. They are cold from the water, but Spencer doesn’t really mind.

A tangle of limbs and hands, they make their way up the stairs to their shared bedroom. They pass the wall filled with pictures of their smiling faces or candid countenances in mismatching frames hung against the wall. It’s just a testament to how long they’ve been together, going back to their first date right before Y/N’s college graduation and Spencer’s fifth, leading up to their most recent Halloween. Each photo stuck in time, frozen with utter happiness and unadulterated joy. But there’s a gap in the collection, a gap that Spencer rather not talk about. A gap where, for the first time since they met, Spencer and Y/N were separated. Sitting in jail, all Spencer could think of was the personal mental prison that Y/N must have confined herself too.

They don’t like talking about the gap, but he knows they have too. Spencer knows that Y/N is proud of him, she tells him that everyday. Proud of him for keeping up with therapy, proud of him for letting go of the little things that he can’t control, proud of him for trusting her with his secrets and fears. It’s the strangest thing, to have someone be proud of you for just living.

“We’re going to need a bigger wall,” Spencer says, hoping that his attempt at referencing pop culture would land. Y/N stops to turn to Spencer, who in the moonlight that drips in from the window, looks much younger than he really is.

“Did you just make a pop culture reference that’s not from, like, 300 years ago?” Y/N says, her brow upturned in a quizzical stare.

“Come on, Y/N, you love when I recite all Sir Walter Raleigh to you,” Spencer says, reaching up to tickle Y/N sides, causing her to giggle and run up the rest of the stairs.

“Spencer! You know that I’m too ticklish,” Y/N says in between short laughs and gasps for air. She plops down on the bed, dragging Spencer down with her. He lays his head down on her chest and like a Rube Goldberg machine, her fingers come up and tangle themselves in his hair.

“Maybe our New Year’s Resolution should be to get some more exercise, Spence. Your heart is beating faster than mine and that run from the steps to our room is like a good 10 feet,” Y/N jokes as she continues scratching Spencer’s scalp lulling him into a peaceful, sleepy state.

“Two things, baby, one, we don’t exercise and two, that’s not why my heart is beating so fast, I think it has something to do with the beautiful girl laying so close to me,” Spencer murmurs quietly.

“Hmm, you certainly know how to charm a girl, even like 13 years later,”

“Actually it’s, 13 years, 7 months, 17 days, 17 hours, 58 minutes and 31 seconds,” Spencer says with a quick glance at his watch.

“And I’ve loved every single minute of it,” Y/N says, reaching up to sneak a pillow under Spencer’s head. She moves to get out of bed, much to Spencer’s displeasure.

“No, no, Y/N you’re so warm and I’m freezing,” Spencer whines, shifting so he can look at his wife, who has shrugged off her thermal shirt and jeans.

“And who’s fault is that?” Y/N chides. Spencer, almost bashful at her teasing, attempts to hide his blush with the pillow that rests under his head.

“I only turn the heat all the way down at night so we’re forced to cuddle for body heat,” Spencer says, his voice muffled by the pillow.

“So you say,” Y/N tells Spencer, sitting down back on the bed. She pulls on Spencer’s legs, dragging him down the bed.

“Come on lazy boy, get your PJs on,” Y/N orders. Spencer, who under Penelope’s less than pure supervision, had enough shots to make up for all the college parties that he missed. There’s happy drunks, forgetful drunks, and then there're sleepy drunks.

Spencer stands in front of the mirror, inspecting his body. The low, yellow lamp light casts shadows on his naked torso. He’s filled out a little bit since they’ve started dating, especially within the last few months of Spencer’s healing. Y/N knew that it’s a sore spot for him, but there’s something about the way that Spencer’s dress pants sit tightly against his thighs or the way his shirt clings to his stomach that just makes him look so much older. Both of them, including their bodies, have changed so much since 13 years ago. Or 13 years, 7 months, 17 days, 18 hours, 5 minutes and 12 seconds ago. They’ve grown up together, and now Y/N can’t wait to grow old together.

But the look in his eyes is not pride over his growth or confidence over his physique. It’s confusion. Spencer stares at himself like he’s an unsolvable puzzle. Y/N knows he must hate that; Spencer hates things that he can’t find an answer to. Y/N walks up behind him, lacing her finger together so her arms clasp against his waist. For a moment, Spencer flinches. Even her gentlest touches and softest kisses can’t wash away the fear of much harsher contact. Their eyes meet in the mirror, but Y/N can feel that Spencer’s not looking at her. After all these years, she can still see the terrified young man who brazenly kissed her in her car in the middle of a rainstorm. After all these years, Spencer is still the only man she ever loved.

“Spencer,” Y/N says quietly. His name off her lips is more tender than any pet name in existence.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m being immature, it’s just,” Spencer closes his eyes, trying to focus himself in the present. It’s something that his therapist suggested. In moments of distress, find your anchor. Luckily for Spencer, his anchor has been his anchor for quite awhile.

“You can tell, I’m not going to judge you,” Y/N says, her lips leaving small kisses on his exposed shoulders.

“It’s just I thought this whole nightmare of prison was behind me. Therapy has been helping, I’m better on cases and I love teaching,” Spencer says, the pain in his voice leaking out.

Y/N doesn’t say anything, instead she guides Spencer to sit on the edge of their bed. She rubs her hand down his back, tracing his spine and around the freckles that collect on his right shoulder.

“I thought that the emotional healing would be the hardest part, I mean it is, but physically, I don’t recognize myself. I can imagine you don’t either,” Spencer says, he turns to lay on the bed, bringing his feet up to his chest in a textbook self-protective position.

“Spence, your body is gonna change, baby. God, mine has changed so much since we met,” Spencer gives Y/N a confused look, like he’s not thoroughly convinced by her explanation.

“It has Spencer. We’re not 22 years old anymore, we’re going to be like 35 in a couple of months. But you know, this is something we can work on together, I’ve gone my whole life not loving the skin I’m in. But being with you makes it easier, Spence.” Y/N says, running her fingers across the bridge of Spencer’s nose and down to his lips, that always a ridiculously gorgeous shade of pink. Spencer doesn’t say much, he’s still trapped deep inside his mind.

“I don’t know how you put up with me and all my antics, Y/N”

“You do my taxes every year,” Y/N jokes, making an effort to kiss every freckle and dipple on the expanse of Spencer’s back.

Spencer turns in the bed so he’s facing Y/N, he cups her face all the way from her ear to her jaw. It’s an intimate gesture that somehow is more loving and vulnerable than saying “I love you,”

“You know you make me fearless, Y/N,” Spencer tells her, not blinking because he doesn’t want to miss out on any more time looking into her eyes.

“You say that everyday Spencer Reid,” Y/N responds, letting herself melt into the touch. She grabs onto his wrist, physically telling him to not let go.

“I have a lot of days to make up for,” Spencer says, solemnly.

“It’s not making it up if it’s the rest of our life, Spencer. Besides, there’s no one I’d rather spend New Year’s Day cleaning up all those bottles with,”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Taglist** (Comment to be Added or Send in An Ask)

@calm-and-doctor @shemarmooresfedora

[invisibleanonymousmonsters]

Non-Sequential [Ch. 29]

Pairing: Pre-Serum Steve Rogers/Steve Rogers x Reader

One night, Steve Rogers met a beautiful dame named Y/N. He hadn’t intended on letting her get away. But fate had other ideas. Y/N appeared and disappeared in his life so hauntingly that Steve started to wonder if she was an angel meant to watch over him.

Word Count: 2,500

Chapter 28

The next 5 years simultaneously felt like they were moving too fast and too slowly.

Steve wondered if there would be limited visits from Y/N or if this was the rest of his life: just holding onto the past and praying that the next time she would stay for good.

But he knew that would never happen.

She would always leave.

Steve felt like he had returned to his teenage years when Y/N had first started visiting him. But watching her go now hurt a 100 times worse than back then. During that time, he hadn’t acknowledged that he loved her. He didn’t know what it was like to fully have her. 

What he would give to regain that naivety. He didn’t know how much longer he could handle such torture.

When Y/N did visit the present, Steve tried to seize it as much as he could. He tried to act normal, wait for Y/N to ask the questions so he could figure out what she knew and what she didn’t. By some miracle, she always knew about the snap.

Steve felt lucky, he wouldn’t know how to handle her naivety to how she would die. Nat always told him he was a terrible liar. He could only assume lying to the woman he loved would be even worse.

Steve was sitting at his window, staring out at Brooklyn. There was a steaming cup of coffee in his hand and he was waiting for it to cool down. The sun had just rose past the horizon. Most of the city was still sleeping. He started to enjoy watching it slowly wake up. It was one of the very few joys he found these days.

“Steve?” Her voice whispered from behind him.

He jumped at the sound, shooting to his feet and turning around.

In the process, he spilled some of the coffee on his hand and bare feet.

He hissed at the burn.

“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry!” Y/N rushed forward.

Steve was both so surprised to see her and feel the boiling liquid on his skin that he didn’t realize Y/N was still completely naked.

“I’m fine. It’s OK.” He tried to tell her, only looking into her eyes.

One time Sam asked about the binding nudity that came with Y/N’s time traveling. He asked about it in a way that wasn’t really a question, but like he clearly wanted Steve to comment on it.

“Just so we’re clear, you’re asking what I think about my girlfriend being forced to be naked when she’s also forced to time travel at any given moment to a place she doesn’t know? Did I get that right?” He’d said it with the classic Steve Rogers sass.

But Sam got the point and never brought it up again.

Y/N’s nudity wasn’t something sexualized by Steve. He’d grown used to it. He assumed most people saw their naked wives and girlfriends, and only linked it to sex. But all it did for Steve was remind him of Y/N’s vulnerability.

Her skin was unprotected from the elements. That’s why she had almost frozen to death during the first time she ever traveled.

Her skin attracted unwanted attention. Steve would never forget when Y/N appeared at his military camp, standing innocently in front of an army that hadn’t felt a woman’s touch or seen a female body in months. He didn’t like to think what could’ve happened if Bucky hadn’t been there to look out for her.

Her skin reminded Steve that even though she didn’t don a uniform, there was still something about her that forced her to be different from the world – just like him.

Now her skin told Steve that she was much younger. 

There was no scar from getting shot during the Battle at the Triskelion, a scar on her abdomen from the medical team at the compound digging out a bullet. Then there were the scars that should’ve been scattered across her skin from when she was tortured by Hydra. Thanks to Wakandan medicine, they were almost invisible. But Steve was familiar enough with Y/N’s body that he could still just barely point them out. Those were nowhere to be seen either.

Which meant that the Y/N standing in front of Steve was from a much younger time.

“Did we…did we break up?” Y/N’s lip trembled as her eyes filled with tears.

Steve stepped forward. “What? Why would you think that?”

Her eyes looked around the room. “None of my stuff is here. It doesn’t even look like I live here.”

But it was true. There was hardly any personality to his Brooklyn apartment. Anyone that knew Y/N would expect her apartment to be filled with warmth, and the perfect lighting, and everything that made a home intimate and charming.

“Steve, did we break up?” Y/N’s voice shook as she repeated the question.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks and Steve couldn’t handle it anymore.

He closed the distance between them and pulled her into his body.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he muttered. “It’s OK. We didn’t break up.”

At least he didn’t technically have to lie about that.

She pulled away from being tucked into his body to look at his face. “What is this place?” It was still obvious she didn’t exist in this space.

“We just bought it,” Steve was quick on his feet. “It came furnished and we haven’t moved all of our stuff in yet.”

Y/N seemed to believe him. “Where am I?”

“You’re away on a freelance job.”

She nodded, processing the new information.

“Would you like some clothes?” He asked her gently.

Y/N laughed lightly, apparently having forgotten that she was fully naked. 

She sniffled, trying to clear her nose and nodded.

A few minutes later, Y/N was in Steve’s sweats, sitting at his kitchen island with her own coffee cupped between her palms.

“I’m sorry – again – that I scared you into spilling coffee on yourself,” she winced.

Steve chuckled. “Y/N, believe it or not, I’ve suffered much worse injuries than hot coffee burns.”

“Right,” she smiled. “You’ve just casually been shot a few times and survived a plan crash.”

He quirked an eyebrow. “Amongst other things.”

“Amongst other things,” Y/N agreed and repeated back.

A peaceful silence settled between them.

Y/N’s eyes narrowed. “You know, I don’t believe you.”

“About the hot coffee?”

“About us not being broken up,” Y/N confirmed.

Steve just tightened his jaw. He didn’t know how much more he could lie to her.

Y/N slowly stood up and closed the distance between them. When she was in his space, she carefully reached up to brush his cheek with her thumb.

“Your eyes… they’re so sad. And they get even sadder every time you look at me.”

“We’re on a break,” Steve quickly told her. He hoped a half lie would save him.

Y/N nodded. And he knew that she believed that one.

She opened her mouth to ask more.

“Please, don’t ask me to say more about it,” Steve begged.

Y/N just nodded.

But then she stepped even closer to him. “Do you miss me?” She whispered as her gaze flickered down to his lips.

Steve’s chest hurt from the question alone. Present and future Y/N had never prepared him for having interactions like this.

He just nodded his head, knowing that if he tried to say actual words then he’d just let out some pathetic whimper.

Y/N leaned even closer. Her gaze flickered to his, silently asking him if he wanted her to stop.

But Steve didn’t have that sort of self control.

So Y/N kissed him.

And he felt her surprise when he responded with a hunger she didn’t expect.

Without hesitation, he pulled her closer. But it still wasn’t enough. Then his hands slid down the outside of her thighs and then gripped the back of them. He scooped her up and pulled her hips to his waist, holding her there until she realized she needed to wrap her legs around him. But it still wasn’t enough.

He pulled away from the kiss. “Do you want me to stop?” His words struggled while he also tried to catch his breath.

Y/N gave him a shy smile and shook her head before giving him a sweet and precise peck on the lips.

“No, I don’t.” Then she laughed, “But maybe we could move this to the bedroom.”

Even if she wasn’t his in this time period, Y/N still knew what Steve needed. And she was more than willing to give it to him. 

——————————

Steve always got this guilty feeling after sleeping with a version of Y/N that wasn’t her present self. No matter how many times Y/N told him it wasn’t, Steve could always convince a part of his mind to believe he had cheated.

Y/N had fallen asleep so quickly. It didn’t matter that she was out of her time. She always felt safe with Steve.

Meanwhile, Steve wouldn’t allow himself a second of sleep. He wasn’t going to waste a moment with Y/N by not being awake. How could he?

Instead he held her naked body against his chest. He switched back and forth between tracing the line of her spine to thumbing circles on her shoulder.

The more time he spent without Y/N in his present, the harder it was to watch her other selves leave him.

He glanced at the clock on his nightstand and sighed. He had to go to his group therapy in a few hours.

If Y/N was still here by then, he’d skip it. Lie and tell them he was sick. 

Those sessions made him feel like a mockery anyway. At least once a week, he sat in a circle and told people they needed to move on with their lives. Meanwhile, he was still in a relationship with his dead girlfriend. She was a ghost that haunted him. He lectured other people how to live their lives in a post-snap world when he couldn’t go a minute without hoping a future or past Y/N would visit him soon.

Steve was taken out of his thoughts when Y/N stirred next to him.

She wasn’t waking up; she was leaving. 

He saw her body start to fade.

There was nothing he hated seeing more than watching Y/N travel.

Was she going back to her own present? Was she going somewhere else? Would she be safe? Would this be one of her trips where she got hurt or almost killed?

And then, just like that, Y/N was gone. And Steve was alone once again.

Steve hoped his sheets would smell like her for longer than they did last time.

He should probably shower before he went to group, but he didn’t want to lose the feeling of her on his skin. He just wanted it to linger, if that was even possible.

That’s when he decided he needed more than a talk with a group of strangers. He needed a friend – a real friend – who knew what he was actually going through.

——————-

Steve hated going to the compound since the snap.

It was like going to a haunted house.

He never knew what memories would be resurrected when he visited.

Sometimes it was just the way the sun lit the room for a second or he’d catch a certain smell, then he was suddenly thrust into a memory linked to Y/N.

Steve found Nat in tears. 

It was subtle, but it still broke his heart to see her upset. She was the strongest of them all. If she couldn’t hold it together, that’s when the rest of them truly knew how bad things really were.

“Ya know, I’d offer to cook you dinner, but you seem pretty miserable already.”

“You here to do your laundry?” She teased, trying to hide that she’d lost her composure for even a second.

“And to see a friend,” he added.

“Clearly your friend is fine.”

“What if your friend is the one that’s not?” He offered.

Her forced smirk faltered. “She show up today?”

Steve sighed and nodded. “She thought we broke up. It took one look around my apartment to know she didn’t live there.”

“You’re a terrible liar, so I could only imagine how that went.”

“Well, I eventually got her to believe we were just on a break, instead of telling her that she was…”

“Dead?” Nat offered.

Steve’s jaw just tightened at the word. He moved to sit across from her.

“It’s the first time she didn’t know about it. And now I’m wondering if I prefer the version of her that doesn’t know what's going to happen to her.”

Nat just hummed, understanding what he meant.

Steve’s eyes glazed over as he thought about it. “How was she able to just live every day knowing what was going to happen?”

“She had to learn to accept what she couldn’t control awhile ago, Steve. She didn’t have any other choice.”

“Why couldn’t she tell me?” He thought aloud, frustration clear in his voice.

“Because she knew you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You would’ve made yourself crazy trying to stop what you couldn’t. Nothing else would’ve mattered...including her.” Nat sighed. “Maybe she just wanted to embrace what little time she had with you. She can ignore the ticking of a time bomb, but not you.”

Steve knew Nat was right.

Suddenly, there was a ping and a hologram appeared in front of Nat.

She pressed a few buttons in the air and a video played out.

Next thing they knew, Scott Lang was fumbling his words at the front gate’s security camera.

Steve slowly stood up. Scott Lang was meant to be dead. “Is this an old message?”

“It’s the front gate,” Nat told him.

An hour later, Scott had stopped his pacing and explained his time travel theory.

Steve looked at Nat and immediately knew that she didn’t find Scott as crazy as he did.

But Nat had been searching for hope these past 5 years, while Steve refused to let it into his life.

“Tomorrow we’ll go see Tony,” Steve confirmed. “For now, you should get some rest, Scott.” Then he looked at Nat. “We all should.”

That was code for, ‘Don’t get excited.’

She clearly got the underlying message, but refused to ignore the hope.

—————————

Steve walked into his old room at the compound. He was only ever there when he visited Nat, which wasn’t often at all. He only kept some things there because he saw the hurt in Nat’s eyes when he had once suggested he completely clean it out.

When he turned on the light, he immediately noticed an envelope on the nightstand.

It was a letter addressed to him at the compound.

But Steve’s heart raced when he recognized the writing as Y/N’s.

“FRIDAY, where did this letter come from?” He asked the AI.

“It arrived in the mail today, Captain Rogers.”

He ripped it open instantly, his hands shaking in the process.

But there were only three words for him to read:

Listen to Scott.

Steve felt his heart beat faster.

And for the first time in 5 years, he felt hope.

-------------------------

Ya’ll, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Staying home alone in the summer : the good, the weird and of course the kitty!

Posted on July 27th 2022 by Nirvana

I’ve been at my apartment alone a lot the past two weeks. My brother has been at his mom’s house helping her and his two teenage sisters because there was recently an unexpected death in their family. My brother and I are not biologically related but we were raised together for parts of our childhood and teen years and consider each other to be siblings. 

Anyway, since he has been at his mom’s for two stretches of 4-5 days, I have been here alone for the longest time yet. Up until this point, I’d probably stayed here maybe 10 nights, but they were a night or two here and there and not for a few months. 

I am really proud of myself for staying here on my own and dealing with stress at first. I won’t get into detail for privacy and because it’s sad but after finding out about that death, my brother had to leave right away and I was here alone with my cat Ellie. That night I felt anxious about being alone after knowing about the death and also nervous because I was supposed to go overnight to the coast (2 hrs away) with some of my friends and mentors. I went to bed, slept really badly and when I woke up, I felt awful. 

I ended up deciding to stay home instead of going to the coast because in that emotional and physical place I was in, I didn’t feel like I could additionally handle being away from home. The mean voice in my head was mad at me about that, because it was supposed to be an exposure therapy experience but I reminded myself that just because I didn’t do it this time doesn’t mean I won’t have other opportunities. 

 Being away from home and sleeping away from home (and away from my moms) is something that still makes me nervous despite the fact that I now live in my own apartment. It makes sense in a way though. This apartment is now my home and a place where I feel safe and comfortable. My brother ended up being at his mom’s for a few days and during that time, I realized that I was, in fact, getting a different kind of exposure. He’s come back and gone away again, so I’ve had lots of time alone here recently.  

Here are some of the difficult things that I have found about being home alone in the summer for longer stretches of time :

1. It can get lonely at times. I grew up in a communal house with many different roommates, and even after that when it was just my family, there was always *someone* home. I am used to hearing the sounds of someone else around. When my brother is here, we aren’t constantly spending time together but just knowing he’s here is nice. I’d never really learned to enjoy being alone until moving here. My parents also have let me know that if I’m feeling really lonely to reach out and they might be able to come over. One of my moms offered to hang out and sleep over if I wanted sometime. I was feeling really lonely this morning but didn’t want to bother them. My mom told me tonight that I really can reach out and at least check in. She’s planning to stop by tomorrow before work to spend a bit of time with me and Ellie. 

I have been having more trouble sleeping because of the heat recently (last night I was up until 4 AM) and the night felt extra long, maybe in part because it was just me and my cat. I have still spent time with my parents on the weekend and with my BCM Buddies online but it’s not the same. This experience has confirmed what I thought before I moved out, which is that I would not want to live totally alone. I would want a roommate or my brother, someone. Living alone long-term would not be good for me.

2. It’s been hot, I’ve had lower energy and some anxiety about the heat and going out. I realized today that I do this every once in a while, it just happens to be summer right now. But I get nervous about not feeling good or worried that I don’t have the energy for plans I made. Then I cancel them and spend time resting (in this case, watching lots of YouTube in bed) but then I have to get back out into the world. 

For example, I was supposed to go out with a friend and my mentor to a waterfall on Monday but I did not feel great and worried because we are in a mini heat wave where I live. So I canceled that, and canceled going out today as well. I guess my body and mind just needs time sometimes to fold into itself and for my world to get smaller, so I can go back out again?

Some awesome things about this experience :

1. Before I moved out, I could not have imagined myself staying here alone for this long. The first time I slept alone here was the first time I’d slept alone anywhere. I am very proud of this accomplishment.

2. I now have a kitty, which is way better than no kitty. Having Ellie here is wonderful. She reminds me that I am not completely alone. Taking care of her reminds me to take good care of myself. We check on each other and give each other love. 

3. I have proven to myself yet again that I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. This has given me an independence boost that I didn’t quite expect. This has given me an opportunity to be alone with myself and my thoughts which is sometimes one thing I’m afraid of. Sometimes I don’t feel like I do this fully because I always have music or a podcast or a video on but whatever. I’ll get there one day.

4.  I have still been in touch with friends and my mentors at this time as I normally would, which has helped offset the loneliness some. It is important for me to have social connections especially in a situation like this. Even if it’s not in person (a phone call or video chat) I appreciate that very much. 

Until next time,

Nirvana

[wtfevenismypage]

Boy Band

request: Hi, Would you be able to fic based off Criminal Minds season 5 episode 22 “The Internet is forever” Where the fem reader fights off an unsub and Reid immediately falls for her?

Warnings: Mentions of death, cursing, mentions of fighting

“This is Doris Archer, she’s the third woman to go missing in Boise Idaho this year, along with Paula Renmar and Samantha Rush, they went missing roughly two months apart.”

JJ says, pictures of the disappearing women flashing on the screen at the round table as you look through their files. You hear footsteps enter the room, and spinning around, there’s Spencer, but his long hair has been chopped off and curled, as if he were in one direction or something.

He sits next to Hotch, glancing around at all of the eyes on him before Hotch speaks.

“What, did you join a boy band?”

You stifle a laugh as Spencer stares at him confused, his eyebrows furrowing a bit.

“No.”

God his voice is so adorable. 

You just smile at him as he looks to you for answers.

“Okay, so what are we looking at here, late twenties to early thirties?”

Emily speaks up, dragging the topic back to the missing women.

“All single, though two are in committed relationships, all living on their own.”

“What do we know about his M.O?”

“That’s why we were invited in. The abduction sites are pristine.”

“No DNA besides the victims, and there’s no sign of forced entry or struggle.”

“The question is, what he does while he has them.”

Thirty minutes later, you and the rest of your team (minus Penelope) are on the jet, discussing the case.

“Can someone explain to me, the appeal of using these sites,” Rossi asks, a smile spreading on all of your faces, “Eating sushi tonight. Yum. Boss is keeping me late at work. Grr.”

You laugh, returning to reading a book while the jet flies on.

-

-

-

-

-

You arrive at the police station finally, Walking up to a detective.

“Uh, detective Fordham.”

“Agent Jareau?”

“Yes, these are SSA Hotchner, Rossi, Y/L/N, and Dr. Spencer Reid.”

You wave at the man from the back with Spencer, you never shook hands with people because you started noticing people thinking Spencer was rude, so you did it with him, to make him feel less bad. 

“Have you found anyone willing to talk to us about the victims?”

You ask, standing with your posture straight up, to make you appear more sure of yourself.

“The problem wasn’t who to bring in, it was who not to.”

You look at him, confused, and he gestures to a long line of people outside the door.

“Oh boy. This’ll be fun.”

You say, sighing.

“Yep.”

-

-

-

-

-

We had to watch a woman die. You couldn’t help but clutch onto Spencer’s sleeve while Garcia tied her hardest to find out where it was, but it was worthless, she was gone.

You couldn’t joke after that, couldn’t even crack a smile. But now you, Emily, Spencer, and Morgan are on your way to Lucy Master’s house to protect her.

“Lucy Masters?”

“This is the FBI we’re coming in!”

You shout, walking into the eerily quiet house. You and your team check everywhere for her. 

“Clear.”

You yell out hopelessly. You knew already. You just knew. You were too late.

“She’s not here but her car is.”

“We were too late.”

Your tell Morgan, looking down in shame. The TV turns on to static, making you jump a little.

“Hey, it just went on by itself.”

What it shows you is horrible. Lucy Masters. Tied up by chains with two giant hooks next to her. a gag is tied around her mouth as she wriggles around. You point to a small device mounted on the TV.

“He’s recording us.”

Minutes later you’re back in the car with Morgan and Emily, listening to the directions Hotch has given you.

“1823 Hudson, we’re on our way.”

“Garcia it’s been three minutes since the footage went up live Lucy might not have that much time left.”

“I can buy you some. Now that I’ve got his physical address, I got my business all up in his.”

 After only a few minutes you arrive at the sight and you don’t waste a lick of time moving.

“Y/N wait!”

Spencer shouted. You knew he would be mad for not listening, but there is a woman dying right now and you have no time to wait around.

You storm in head first, barging into a room of freezing cold where two dead bodies hang.

And as soon as you see the unsub on the third woman, red fills your vision and you jump on him, tackling him to the ground.

“Asshole! Dumb fucking prick!”

You kept shouting insults and Spencer froze up.

He wasn’t surprised you got this mad, you always do after witnessing murders and catching the unsub is the only thing that can calm you down. It was one of the many reasons he was in love with you.

Wait. In love with you? Spencer was in love with you? For how long? He thought to himself in that moment, but he didn’t have time to answer. At this point, if you continued to beat the man up, he would die.

Spencer ran up to you with Morgan and yanked you off of the man, holding your wriggling and writhing figure back while Morgan took the man into his custody.

“Y/N! Calm down, it’s over! We got him and he’s going away for a very long time!”

When you finally did calm down, you let yourself relax into Spencer’s chest, his arms supporting you while you walked to the man.

“What do you see when you look at them?”

Emily asked. The man’s eyes dart around the room, staring at the women.

“You’ll never understand what I did. But out there, my followers? They understand.”

You felt your anger build up, and so did Spencer, but he didn’t bother stopping you at this point.

You decked him square in the nose, so strong you heard a crack from a breaking bone.

Spencer held back a smile before placing a hand on your lower back, guiding you out of the building.

When you returned to Quantico, you plopped down at your desk all day. Not really working, more so just thinking.

Spencer walked up to you, sitting on the edge of your desk.

“Hey, how you feeling?”

You sighed, plopping your head onto his lap.

“Ngh. Mad that I didn’t reach Lucy in time.”

“Hey, you saved her life.”

You chuckled, but it was dry, no emotion behind it.

“Physically? Yes, but she’s gonna be ruined emotionally. It isn’t easy to recover from that and she’s going to need years of therapy.”

He picked your head up, hopping off of the table and leaning down in front of you, your noses barely touching.

“Hey, she’ll be alright. Okay? Don’t beat yourself up.”

You nod, but neither of you move. He glances down at your lips, asking permission. And you lean in, pressing your lips on his.

It felt perfect. Your lips were made for his, warm and sweet tasting. And his lips were cool, the taste of coffee right on his tongue.

When you pulled away, you rested your forehead on his.

“Thank you.”

[spiderling-space]

I’d like a Halloween request please! Did you know many people believe on Halloween the borders between worlds are at their weakest? Can you please do a ficlet of a Yandere Malleus taking advantage of the border between our worlds being weak on Halloween to drag the MC back to Twisted Wonderland many years after they managed to get back to their homeworld?

I thought it was the door between living and dead but I’ll go with multiverse. Ngl putting my works to AO3 made me want to write longer ficlets but the story will decide the length itself.

Italics indicate thoughts

🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉

Malleus Draconia

Warning: Yandere tendencies, mentions of PTSD and night terror, panic attack

It had been 7 years since (Y/N) managed to escape hell or as it was officially called Twisted Wonderland. It took lots of therapy sessions and support from their loved ones for (Y/N) to feel normal again. It took over a year for them to have a good night’s sleep. Waking up screaming from nightmares was their nightly habit in year 1. It took them 2 years to finally go out just by themselves and 3 years to date someone again.

(Y/N) finally moved on, breaking free of their chains that were called Twisted Wonderland. They had a job, moved out of their parents’ house, spent Friday nights out with their friends, get on Tinder, go on dates and have one night stands. Life was good again…

Today was Halloween night, the night they could wear the weirdest outfit and no one would bat an eye. (Y/N) and their friends went to the party downtown and got drunk. (Y/N) called Uber to get back to their apartment after saying goodbyes to their friends. They locked the door after getting in their home and threw their shoes to the side. After chunking 2 glasses of water, they went to their bedroom.

(Y/N) just wanted to sleep, dreading to remove makeup and wear pjs since it was too effort so they threw themselves to their bed, closing their eyes. Sleep was taking over but there was this crackling sound that was preventing them from sweat dreams. On top of that, a light was coming over to their face. Is it morning already? I just need 5 more hours. (Y/N) put their pillow over their head to ignore the light and the sound and it was working since they stopped. Finally, on to the dreamlands! Their happiness was cut short as they felt something touch their arm, stroking up and down along their bicep. Well dear bug, I'm just gonna ignore you. No sir, I’ll finally sleep. They were so certain that it was just a bug until a hand rested on their cheek. Oh shit! It’s a burglar or killer or a rapist! They couldn’t just lay there and risk getting hurt. He opened their eyes and grabbed the extra pillow on their bed, swinging it to the other person in the room as they got up and put distance between them. But there was something wrong. The pillow didn’t land on the invader at all, in fact, their arm was frozen in mid-air and the invader wasn’t holding them either.

Alarms bells started ringing in their ears, recalling the last time something like this happened. No No No! It’s impossible! Crowley said it was a one-time opportunity! (Y/N) started taking short breaths as their heartbeat quickened. They finally looked at the invader, taking in the figure for the first time. The room was dark but the lights from outside illuminating enough to see the invader’s outline. The figure was tall, as tall as him. They were dreading to look up to the figure’s head, afraid to see horn shape and making them confirm their suspicion but they had to do it.

Their palms started to sweat as finally looked up to the figure’s head. Horns… Their arm that was holding the pillow started to tremble as their mouth felt dry. (Y/N) just wanted to run but their body didn’t move.

“Hello, Child of Man,” His voice caused shivers down their spine. “It has been a while.” Malleus moved to stand right in front of (Y/N). “I missed you.” He placed his hands on each side of their face, connecting their foreheads.

His touch was burning their skin, they just wanted to get away from him. “Don’t touch me!” (Y/N) yelled, feeling helpless as they couldn’t move to push him away. They were feeling nauseous, maybe from being near him or maybe it was the alcohol or they triggered one another. “How did you get here?!”

He ignored their question. “All these years passed yet you still throw tantrums.” He was talking as if they were a toddler. “Don’t worry anymore, you can finally return home.”

“This is my home! Not Twisted Wonderland, certainly not your kingdom!” (Y/N) felt faint but they were trying their best to stay conscious. They were hoping this was just a nightmare, their night terror making a comeback but deep down they knew it was the reality.

“You are not well, Child of Man. Are you perhaps as excited as me to be together again?” (Y/N) didn’t know if he was deliberately ignoring what they were saying or was he so fucked up in the head to not realize that they hated him?

“FUCK YOU!”

Malleus’ expression turned sour and the aura he gave became darker. “That is not how one should speak to their betrothed.” He was tut-tutting them as if they were a kid who did something they shouldn’t have.

“WE ARE NOT ENGAGED! I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!” (Y/N) tried to move their arms once again to push Malleus away but it was a futile attempt.

What (Y/N) had said must have angered him since he furrowed his eyebrows and his hold on their face tightened. “I hoped you would stop acting like a baby after all these years but it seems you’ve never changed. Worry not, Child of Man, since you will learn how to behave once we go back to Valley of Thorns.” He let them go both physically and magically. Their arm dropped to their side. Malleus was rummaging their stuff. “You will not be needing any of these since I’ll provide you anything you need, my love.”

He is distracted, if I can make it to the kitchen, I can get a knife and at least defend myself. When his back was turned, (Y/N) bolted out of the room, “(Y/N), stop.” But something prevented them, making them stop in mid-motion. “Come here.” Involunteeringly, (Y/N)’s body turned to Malleus and walked towards him. Their mind was screaming to get back but their body was moving on its own as if it was on autopilot. (Y/N) stood in front of Malleus. His voice was soft, almost tender as he was stroking their face. “That is enough of your games. We are going home.”

“No!” (Y/N) tried to take control of their body once again which ended with failure.

Malleus turned to look at the body mirror in their bedroom. He extended and twisted his hand, muttering some words as the mirror started glowing. “(Y/N),” he reached out to hold their hand. “Walk with me through the window.”

(Y/N) was helpless as their body did what it was told. Soon after, they landed in Malleus’ castle in Valley of Thorns. All those memories crashed down upon them. All the things that were done to them there flashed through their eyes. They started to panic again and it only got worse as Malleus tried to calm them. When he understood his words won’t work on (Y/N), he used his magic to calm them down. “Finally you have returned home, my love.” Malleus planted a kiss on their lips. “This day shall be celebrated every year as this night brought us back together. I believe you humans call it Halloween. We shall rename it in your honour and celebrate it in the Valley of Thorns.”

(Y/N) knew there was no way to get back to their world now. They would be stuck with Malleus forever or until they died.

All I ever wanted was to have my own life and be with whomever I want. Why can’t I have that?

————————

The reason why saying the name worked