#it also has this ability to make me feel nostalgic about memories i'm not even sure exist

[belesanjee]

you know the thing i love about joker out's music is that listening to it somehow always makes me feel like i'm coming home after a long time. there's just always been this weird familiarity and nostalgia in it for me, even when i was just first discovering their music

[whateversawesome]

Spy x Family Ch. 111: Anya's Mama

So many things for such a little chapter, don't you think?

We saw baby Anya and we finally caught a glimpse of Anya's biological mother.

Something to notice is that they're both wearing hospital gowns, which makes me think they were in the lab and, because of that, we can solidify the theory about Anya being born there. It could be that her mom was pregnant when captured or that they experimented on her and she got pregnant while in that lab. A secret third option is that Anya's mom actually volunteered for the experiments (maybe she was a scientist herself or a family member coaxed her into doing it), although I find this unlikely due to her comment about the butterfly. Either way, I have a feeling we won't know for a very long time.

Mindreading or no mindreading?

Endo chose not to let us know about that explicitly. However, look at this panel:

I don't think Anya's mom is talking here. I think she's thinking this. Because of that, I do suspect Anya can read her mama's mind. She doesn't fully understand it but those words are inside her memory.

However, as you can see in the panel below, we don't see her classic mindreading sparkles. So, it' could also be that she saw her mom getting sad or nostalgic and she wanted to hug her. Kids are very perceptive of their parent's emotions.

If you ask me, I think she was born with that ability. Either her mom was also a telepath who was being studied during her pregnancy or she was experimented while pregnant and gained and passed her abilities to her daughter.

All this makes me consider that maybe Anya wasn't experimented on like many of us believed for a long time. Maybe those scientists were just studying her/observing her in order to understand and try to replicate her abilities. I'm really hoping Endo will go this route, it's less cruel. In any case, keeping someone so young as a case study is still wrong and I don't think Twilight and Yor will like this.

Anya's Mama

I'm talking about Yor, of course.

First of all, I think Endo summed up what motherhood is about in this panel:

It's not exactly that a mom can read their kid's mind, but it's something close. As a mom you get to know your child inside and out. When you take care of them, see them grow and love them with all your heart, you simply learn to "read every part of them."

That's how we know that Yor loves Anya and that she is her mom.

I don't know what happened to Anya's biological mom; she could be gone or still be alive. I'm sure we'll find out eventually. However, no matter what happens, I think Anya will always have that unconditional love from Yor.

There's a prevalent theme about motherhood in sxf: a mother as a safe place. Yor has mentioned it several times; she knows her job is to protect Anya and Anya feels safe when her mama is around (even Twilight notices this.)

I think the bond between them will get stronger as the story moves forward. Come on, it's pretty obvious Anya is Yor's baby, she's already head over heels and she decided she wanted to be a good mother since day 1. Also, a big theme in the story are bonds that are forged, and chosen family. In the story, blood ties sometimes are complicated (look at the Desmonds, for example.)

I'm not fluent in Japanese, but I am aware that Anya calls Yor and Twilight, Haha and Chichi, which is an English equivalent of "my mom and my dad", instead of just "mom and dad." In case you are wondering, Anya did call her biological mom, the right way: "mama."

At some point in the story, I think we will see Anya call Yor and Twilight, mama and papa the right way. I suspect this will be the moment when they will realize they're no longer a pretend family, but a real one. And it'll be simply beautiful 💖

A Few Questions

Whenever we learn something about one of the Forger's past, we are usually left with even more questions like:

Where's Anya's mom now?: I think either she's still a prisoner somewhere or she's dead. And if she's alive, does she know Anya lives?

How did Anya escape? She was so little! She must have had help from someone.

Who is Anya's dad? Maybe a scientist? A prisoner of war? Or was artificial insemination possible back then?

Is Anya her real name? I'm wondering if her mom called her differently. Here are some theories about her name. I suspect this will be important and I wouldn't be surprised if Anya is not her real name, almost as a foil of Twilight's name and story.

And also, there's a gap between that scene/memory and when Anya gets adopted by Twilight. We know thanks to Franky that in the year before Twilight adopted her, she was previously adopted by four different families, however, there's still a chunk of time missing.

I estimate she's probably 2 years old in that memory, she was 4 when she was adopted by those other families, and 5 years old when Twilight became her dad. That leaves 2 full years blank. Where was she during that time?

[aakaneeee]

well people. . It's time, aka Akane's monthly revival because there's Luka content. And gosh do I have a lot to say about this. Except.. I'm not going to market these as theories, but as predictions. I think as an og fan I've seen enough to be this confident in my abilities LOL

Quickly, I'd like to address the lyrics and the title, because I will reference it later and I don't want to have to explain mid-prediction.

Wiege has two meanings, and both are so fitting:

1. Cradle. It feels.. perfect, for me. It makes so much sense. Luka was a cold child.. but I'd like to say only physically. I feel like he genuinely warmed up towards Hyuna and Hyunwoo as a child. And I'm going to bring an idea that might get me a bit of backlash but.. I've gotten worse, and that is, that Hyuna is at fault for Luka's approach on his feelings. (Audience boos) From the little we know about Hyunwoo, I feel like Hyuna treated both him and Luka.. at least a little bit similarly. Or at least, Luka couldn't discern a difference, if there was any. Luka is a tube baby, he probably doesn't know (and I am not babying him here, I'd like to add!) what "siblings" he has. For him, affection might just be all and the same. Yes, it wasn't Hyuna's responsibility to teach him, but I feel like a hint was there "Your life is mine", and she could've explained, in a way. But, back to our discussion, Hyuna was Luka's cradle. She burns as bright as the sun, while he's colder. But most importantly, she was his only true friend (Considering I don't think his relationship with Hyunwoo was extremely close, even though they were 'friends'), someone he thought truly cared about him. Hyuna was Luka's cradle, holding him close, comfortable... until at one point, he outgrows that cradle (Hyunwoo's death).

And the second meaning, beginning. In the picture we got, Luka is centered, he's in the middle.. but he's so small, and overshadowed by the tree. Luka is the best performer of the ANAKT, always first, but has no friends. But perhaps, he was better that way. Then, Hyuna comes, and it's a new beginning. He's finally not alone. What I've noticed in the new banner, Luka is missing, but across the tree trunk, in his place, is a taller shadow. Perhaps, a shadow of who Luka was, hopefully still left in there. Or, the other way around, it symbolizes his real self being left there.

And the lyrics:

When I close my eyes,

Play in paradise.

These, to me, remind me of the interview where Luka said his favorite game was hide and seek. In a way, his whole ANAKT life was a game of hide and seek: hiding all the time, but no one trying to seek him. Until Hyuna did, and found him. Something that intrigues me is the "paradise", which to me sounds like what Mizi once said: Dying in competition means returning to the Great Anakt, which I suppose is to them like Heaven.. or Paradise. This will be important later, so remember it.

And now, my predictions for the HyuLuka episode

! First of all, I think the song will be lullaby-like. When I first saw this teaser, with the lyrics, as weird as it sounds, it reminded me of Richard's song in The Hero in TAWOG, a song that always gets me to cry for some reason, and I've been really stuck on that . It would be interesting, because it would fit Luka's voice (as does everything else), but probably not Hyuna's, even though 6FU; would eat it.. which to me, sounds like their "love", where Luka loves her, but it isn't returned. I'd love to see more German in it than just in the title. And considering the nostalgic, pastel, very cutesy artstyle (that reminds me of the memory part from Jordan River animation!), it seems very viable. But the art style is also noisy, which gives an unsettling vibe. It feels like a 2020's dreamcore wallpaper.

I might be crazy, but the hand holding the flower (with only 3 stamens, like the 3 friends) looks dark-skinned, like it would be Hyuna's or Hyunwoo's, but I doubt it would be his, considering it's the account's profile picture. If this is some kind of reference to.. perhaps, an unrequited Hyuluka but the other way around, with Hyuna still not over Luka.. probably won't happen, but God, would that be awesome.

So, how do I think the round will go?

First of all, I have to say, I'm not sure if this will be a round or a Mizisua type episode.😭 I'd say "oh the wait time is way too small" but also... do you guys remember the production announcement of Round 7? Yeah. You can never be sure.

This isn't necessarily a prediction, but more of a suggestion of what could be: It would be SO cool if it would be both.. in a way, merged. This idea just appeared in my mind and I was like OH. MY. GOD. Imagine if almost the whole thing was just them, as children, having fun, a whole backstory.. but then, when Hyunwoo dies, it pans on his face, and then it's back on stage, the loser's face instead of his. It would be so heartwarming, and then DEEPLY DISTURBING and traumatizing. I also really want some Luka and Heperu backstory so I can hate Heperu even more.

On the topic of the loser... It's going to be Luka. I'm an insane Luka lover and it was hard to get accommodated to this idea, but there is no way that he will survive. First of all, the shadow in the account's banner, in place of Luka. It's implications... are quite obvious. Second, the pattern of characters shown in Sweet Dream, and he is next. Third: "In my arms, you would be protected." I feel like Luka would consider the competition "In his arms". I don't think he would break his promise: hear me out for a second. He wouldn't let Hyuna die this way, because I feel like his sense of possession over her also comes with responsibility and protectiveness. And fourth, the Paradise lyric, to me, is a foreshadowing of his death.

I also think he will die by self sacrifice. First of all, there's no way Hyuna could defeat Luka by pure odds. Yes, her stats are better, but lets be honest, her mental power would NOT be as good infront of Luka, and also, the aliens wouldn't vote her. She's a rebel, wanted for so much time, with technically no guardian: they wouldn't want her to defeat their prince, probably. And second, I have made two categories:

The "perfects": Sua, Ivan, Luka

The "rebels": Mizi, Till, Hyuna

See something similar? Both the perfects that are dead, have died by self-sacrifice. The only other dead character, Till, has been shot while reaching for his freedom, so you can't say this is for all characters. And let's be honest.. Patterns are usually being followed in this series. Id also like to add, even though it's a reach, that in a tier of how 'perfect' they are, it'd be:

1. Luka

2. Sua - not so obvious self sacrifice

3. Ivan - obvious self sacrifice

So, I'd say that Luka's might be even more backstage, as if to sabotage himself in a way that seems viable. It also kind of goes in line with his character, he's not one to break facade on stage.

I think this episode will be quite a deep-dive into their true selves. We know the least about them, so this will be GREAT. I'd love to see a more morally gray Hyuna in this. (Since I'm genuinely kind of tired of only Luka being villainized in the ship, which honestly..  is kind of in line with the other perfects. Let's let Mizi, Till and Hyuna be little freaks too) I also want to see atleast a little bit of Hyunwoo, like a little snippet of his mind, what he saw in Luka.

In conclusion, I'm SO happy and hyped about this HyuLuka episode, they're so mysterious and I really really want to see more of L- I mean, more of them. Getting 2 episodes where Luka is present one after another is literally THE dream to me. Basically, Wiege is killing me and I'm gladly letting it.

@4listr Since you asked to be tagged and also, @rockwgooglyeyes I REALLY want your opinion on this

[amaryllis-sagitta]

More raw impressions (still in Act 1)

Docktown design reminds me of Kirkwall, both in terms of level design and in terms of traversal. And this isn't a bad thing! Kirkwall was built as a Tevinter slaver city. So it even feels like cultural continuity in how the Soporati have lived throughout the ages. It makes me feel nostalgic for what DA 2 could have looked like if it had time for implementation.

I am sorry to report that Illario has a cliche villain rasp, he's instantly sus, and isn't exactly subtle about having secrets. To add insult to injury, other Crows constantly comment on how he's acting out of character. The Telling syndrome strikes again.

So, the faces of the Venatori in companions' arcs are Daddy's Boy Prince Charming and the Tevinter version of Elizabeth Bathory folklore, a lover of blood magic powered cosmetic surgery (introduced in Tevinter Nights).

I think I have a problem with the third memory of Fen'Harel. The one where Solas goes full Farquaad on an army of spirits so he can create a distraction while his agents steal a relic supposedly vital to imprisoning the gods (the idol/dagger?????) . That in itself is a great premise. My problem is that if that was supposed to be a memory of regret, regret is not what I saw or heard. Solas looks smug when Felassan calls him out. What is that smirk when he says he deceived his own soldiers, an army of spirits at that. He sounds so dismissive - a stark contrast to Rook's third encounter with Solas in meditation, where Solas sounds mournful when questioned about taking down the Veil. But even then, "flowers would grow again" sounds so hollow and misguided. So what was this memory supposed to inform us about? That he was single-mindedly self-righteous as the rebellion leader? That the Veil and only the Veil could bring him to feel guilty? ...Okay? Yay? Or are these Fade impressions only able to show polarized yet one-note perceptions of events?

The whole thing about Solas instrumentalizing spirits gives me whiplash. Even in Rook's meditation, he admits that he was prepared to have a host of spirits at his disposal to "minimize casualties" in Elvhenan after the gods were locked out. I guess what he didn't expect was the Veil creating a concentrated bubble of spirit essence that entrapped all spirits and squeezed them around the Black City? Is that what he implies? Does that confirm that the entire world is physical in nature, and the Fade is a physical region with topography warped only by virtue of its high spirit concentration?

At this point I guess I just need to live with spirits being basically people-like by default, with mortal-like behavior patterns like flocking in the cities or... the ability to self-referentially "love what you do", I guess? I'm squinting hard at this design choice and the way Solas seems to mix his old essential approach with anthropomorphization of spirits. Spirit lore in this game has been all over the place, and since Cole and Audric from TN I think we've been seeing a slow but gradual blurring of the ontological and epistemological difference between Fade spirit and mortal soul. But that's me being a philosopher on main.

If the Fade is atemporal by its very nature and spirits emulate mortals to the point of acting like a civilization as we observe them in 9:52 Dragon, aren't they technically in a causal loop? Wouldn't they always have been that way, without a clearly discernible turning point? (I'm saying this anticipating one of the big lore reveals that I spoiled for myself)

Also, apparently The Fade is a pre-Veil concept for the non-incarnate spirits because all ancients are using it.

Griffin babeyssssssss. Gloom Howler has it coming... whatever they are. (WHAT are they? Ghil's lackey? An arcane emissary? An elvhen revenant? Something worse?)

A small touch I noticed: after Lucanis moves in, the sad large table in the dining area is set for ten. Rook and companions and Varric make nine. I think Manfred would stand on the side and waiter for them rather than be made to sit. So whose is the tenth place? The spot where Solas's lonely plate used to be now has no cutlery near it. WHO TOOK SAD BOI'S FORKY?

I had to be pretty quick with the wisp on the Lighthouse balcony but I did it - unlocked the 2nd part of the music room and fixed the library Astrolabe.

I am a little disappointed that they made Viper Fairbanks 2.0, and that such a large working class movement can't have a leader who does not hail from the nobility for once. The Soporati deserve their Spartacus. Conversations with Tarquin hint that for the non-magical folk, survival often requires entire generations joining the military, and Mercar Rook can concur. In that regard, self-aware Soporati are a force to be reckoned with.

I'm sorry but Taash's mom looks like handsome Squidward with a toupee. Who approved of that design in a game full of handsome people.

A propos character design, my only nitpick with Maevaris is that for a character that has not been shown in the game engine before, they could have stuck a little closer to her comic book design inspired by Mae West and other old Hollywood stars. Just making her hair that classic bleached blonde would have done it for me. Otherwise 9/10 (or maybe it's the hair in this game shifting color disproportionately to global lighting intensity...)

I have poured 30-ish hours into this game now and I have only just assembled all Blorbos. Not gonna lie, sometimes I'd like to be done with waves and waves of enemies. Getting only this far in Act 1 already feels like I've unlocked effectively 60+% of the entire game's "horizontal" scope (areas, factions etc).

I feel this game will receive similar criticisms as ME 2 did in terms of being "character driven", rather than story driven, since it's our blorbos that dispense most major quests, and their personal ars effectively bottleneck the overall progress. In a very similar fashion as in ME 2, Act 1 is mostly about finding aid and not knowing what to do with the main antagonists.

[flamingo-writes]

It's Better When The Sun Goes Down — Nanami x Reader

This is a piece for the Anilysium Server NSFW Collab! Make sure to check the masterlist to see other writer's works! This month's prompt was: "I can't hold back anymore"

I'd like to dedicate this fanfic to one of my dearest and closest friends. I'm not a Nanami simp myself, but they are. And I have fun writing for Nanami, and also I love writing angsty things and flawed characters. Reg, I hope you enjoy this as much as you enjoy my more casual writing.

(it's pink bcs youre Chancho)

Word Count: 5.4K

Warnings: Mentions of breakup and heartbreak, alcohol and drug consuption, public sex, ghosting, lots and lots of angst. This does not have a happy ending. This is also non proof read bcs I kinda left it to the last minute I'm sorry, I'll go back and edit it when I am not in a rush dcj nd

Summary: Nanami’s return to the Sorcerer life wasn’t so bad. It could be better if Gojo wasn’t determined to get him back with his ex. As Nanami tries to get on good terms with them, things get out of control, only to end up where it all began.

I made this playlist while writing, in case you wanna listen to it while reading. Preferably listen to it without the shuffle, but you can hear it on shuffle, no biggie.

Nanami had forgotten how painfully unbearable Gojo could be. His return as a Sorcerer had been nothing out of the ordinary for a Sorcerer's standards. Missions here and there, or watching over some of Gojo's students. But God, he had surely stepped out of the line this time.

He couldn't even begin to explain how much he hated his current situation. Fighting by your side for the first time in years felt like rubbing hot oil on an open wound. The uncomfortable ignoring the elephant in the room between you two, as you two tracked and fought what felt like a million Curses.

When the adrenaline was at its peak, it felt almost nostalgic; though he'd then remembered everything else and immediately made his own reality bitter and awkward. Overshadowed by the advantage of years of experience ahead of him made him resent you even more. He knew it was childish and pointless to keep remembering everything that happened between you two, but that bittersweet memory would most likely keep him at bay.

You were still strong, witty, fearless, reckless and quick to act and defend yourself. The way you moved looked more swiftly and coordinated than you did back in your student days. Almost as if you were a professional dancer. He hated every bit of it. He couldn’t stop looking at you, thinking about you, and the possibilities of what you two would have become.

After the mission was over, no words were exchanged between you two. Aside from the: "Are you alright?" He told you as you simply gave him a thumbs up as you caught your breath drenched in sweat. An entire ride in an uncomfortable silence, until he reached the school and you got out of the car.

"Thanks. You did a great job. Keep it up" You said. Cold, and straight to the point. Closing his car door before he could reply. And soon, you were gone.

As Nanami tried to get his mind off the mission, Gojo made it difficult. He called him to ask for the details of the mission. He seemed amused and intrigued, as clearly you hadn't told him shit. And honestly, he could understand why. Gojo was meddling on things that weren’t his business, and things that had died a long time ago.

"Why are you interrogating me, Gojo?" He asked as he pressed hisnfingers on the bridge of his nose. "Ask your underling…"

"Because that jerk left for the bar as soon as they arrived" He explained. "And I know better than to annoy a drunk [Name], It took me a while but...I finally learned my lesson" He chuckled. “I knew they could hit hard, but damn, I had a big ass bruise…” Nanami could almost hear his stupid grin.

"You make it sound like it's a recurrent event" Nanami pointed out, slightly surprised as he didn't know you were a drinker.

"Oh, Nanami-kun, you really know nothing huh?" Gojo said, smiling widely as he had managed to manipulate Nanami into asking.

"Know what?" Nanami hissed as he now swore he could hear Nanami creepily grinning at his phone.

"No, nothing!” Gojo said as if it were nothing; trying and succeeding at peeking at Nanami’s curiosity “I'm not gonna talk over depressing things on the phone. Gotta go, bye! Kith kith, Kento-kun" Gojo sang and hung up, as he smirked, proud of his little mischief. He sighed deeply as he stretched in his bed. "Soon, those two will be back together" he smirked to himself.

Nanami hissed a curse under his breath as he locked his phone and threw it on his bed and went to the kitchen. If he had understood well, Gojo had just hinted at a possible drinking problem. He tried shaking his mind off of it. You couldn't, could you? You weren’t a drinker...You weren’t the last time he saw you. You were able to party and have fun without having to intoxicate yourself.

You were wild, cheerful, unpredictable. Everything he was not. And that’s what had made him fall in love with you back in your school days. You were so laid back, he could feel it permeating into him when you two hung out. The few times he’d broken rules was because you’d been the bad influence, however, you somehow managed to get away with it, and leave him with some distant memory in which he felt actually glad to be alive. He usually felt like he was walking on a cloud stuck in time, being present and enjoying the little things that made his everyday memories.

He’d really screwed up after breaking up with you...if he could call that a breakup... His life took a dramatic turn. And then, he turned his back to this world, and got immersed in the gray life the average man in Japan had. Away from what he's familiar with, away from his friends, away from you.

And now, apparently, you had a drinking habit. He wondered if he had caused it, or if he was one of the reasons behind it. The guilt started creeping in. The same guilt and regret he felt after ghosting on you. Not being able to bring himself to properly end things with you.

The guilt he’d managed to swipe under the rug for so many years creeped back out, and followed him around as the afternoon went by. After having a shower, changing into more comfortable clothes and in a lame attempt to cook dinner, he decided to test his luck. He put on a dark button down shirt and decided to go to the bar closest to the School. He felt the naive hope to find you there. However, if you had an actual problem, then his chances to see you there were higher.

Such was his surprise to find you there, trying to get rid of some insistent guy who kept talking to you despite your very obvious lack of interest. Before you could spot him, he watched you aggressively turn to the guy and talk to him in a rather rude tone. Sounding almost like a moody sailor as the guy’s face soon was washed with horror and disgust and walked away. As you turned your face back to your drink, your eyes scanned the bar, finally spotting him.

“Oh god” You whined as you pulled the glass to your lips. “It’s too early to be this drunk…” You hissed.

“Mind if I sit here?” He asked, pointing at the chair in front of you.

“Tell Gojo to go fuck himself…” You snapped at him as you stood up and stumbled your way to the bar asking for a refill. Nanami looked at you, feeling slightly sorry for your tipsy state, as he’d never seen you like that. And he knew being mad and drunk was never a good combination. As you turned around with your glass and made your way back to your table, you gave him a slightly repulsed smile. “You’re still here…”

“Gojo didn’t send me here, if that’s what you’re thinking” He replied.

“He might as well have manipulated you into doing so, has that crossed your mind?” You said with a sassy tone as you sat back down. “Why are you still standin’?”

Nanami took that as an invitation as he ignored your last comment, trying to refuse the idea that Gojo had manipulated him.

“Rough day, huh?” He said as you nodded and stared at your drink.

“Look, Kento. I’m glad that you’re back. I really am. You’re strong, and you’re smart…” You began. “But I’m gonna cut the chase, I’m kinda annoyed too. Ever since you got back, Gojo has been sticking his snobby nose into my business” You explained. “Many of the missions he sends you in, I’m supposed to be there as well, but manage to get busy by then and not go”

“So you’re actively avoiding me?”

“Yes” You replied bluntly. “Mostly because Gojo is trying very hard to bring us back together. But no, I learned my lesson the first time” You said taking a sip to your scotch, feeling it smoothly sliding down your throat, no longer feeling the burn from the alcohol.

“I haven’t apologized for that…” Nanami began.

“Don’t” You interrupted him. “It’s better this way”

“Are you sure? Because you still seem to have an issue with it…” Nanami said, managing to read you like an open book like he always did. He still had that ability.

You glared at him, angrily as you opened your mouth to snap back at him, but your mind was foggy and a big portion of your brain was focused on the little details surrounding him. His black shirt, the first buttons undone. His thick wrists, one of them hiding underneath a fancy looking watch, his blond hair pushed back, his sharp features...And god, his smell. The smell of his cologne luring you in like a fly to honey. Since any words made it to your mouth, your next step was to take another sip.

“You’re drinking too fast” He pointed out.

“None of your business” You said standing up and taking your wallet out and leaving a few bills on the tale. “I’m out” You said coldly and walked out of the bar.

Nanami sighed, frustrated that he hadn’t managed to get anything out of interaction. Aside from the pretty clear fact that you disliked him. However, he didn’t think of the possibility of you resenting him so much because you still had feelings for him.

As you walked out of the bar, the chilly wind hit the back of your neck, making you shiver. You cursed, knowing it was going to make you feel drunker faster. You made your way to the school with long steps, trying to make it to your dorm before your last drink made it to your head. Despite the cold wind, the hot tears in your eyes in a way kept your face warm. As you tried to keep yourself from crying, you heard steps behind you.

“Wait” You heard Nanami’s voice calling behind you as you stopped on command, against your own will. You swallowed the lump on your throat and managed to keep the tears still in your eyes, as you refused to look at

him. “At least let me walk you home. You can’t walk on your own like this…”

“Oh, so now you care?” You said turning around and looking at him, giving him a smug smile. “You’ve changed” You scoffed bitterly.

“Please” He said, knowing better than trying to argue with you.

Your stare on him softened, as something within you urged you to say yes. To have more time with Nanami and maybe cling to the bittersweet memories you were constantly reliving since his return.

“Fine” You said, very much to his surprise. He smiled and walked closer to you with the gentle smile that had been haunting your dreams as of lately.

“C’mon. My car is not far from here…”

You stopped coldly as he mentioned a car. Taking a second look at him, you wondered how much he’d changed. He’d become an adult through and through, hadn’t he? While you were still a mess...Or so you thought. To Nanami’s eyes, you were a far better sorcerer and warrior than him. And he envied you for it.

“Are you actually going to take me to the school?” You asked, suddenly growing suspicious of him, as you’d had plenty of experiences with strangers on the street and knew better than going into someone’s car in a drunken state.

Not that you didn’t trust Nanami. You didn’t trust yourself drunk.

“I was actually thinking of taking you somewhere for dinner and then to the school” He said.

“Not hungry”

“No, but you’re drunk. It’ll sober you up, and tomorrow morning you’ll thank me when you wake up without a hangover” He said as he walked towards his car.

“I don’t have any more money on me” You lied, looking for an excuse to avoid spending any more than necessary with him.

“I didn’t ask you if you have money” He said boldly as he managed to make you smirk for the first time since his return.

“Smooth, Nanami. You’ve grown” You said as you followed him.

The walk to his car felt like your chest burnt far more than the alcohol ever did. It felt bitter, it hurt and was nauseating. Was it really it, or was it the alcohol finally catching up with you? Like flashes of instant memories being erased from your memory, the drive to a restaurant felt like a poorly edited foreign film. The car felt like some intense themed park ride as you felt dizzy with the alcohol whispering everything you missed about him. It was gross and it was sickening.

The Ramen sign on the outside on itself managed to sober you up a little by taking your mind off Nanami. As you followed him, clumsily standing on your feet, you sat on one of the tables and tried to make sense of the dancing letters in the menu. More flashes of memories were taken off your head, as you wondered what was happening and how drunk were you for you to start blacking out.

“Not good…” you muttered under your breath.

“Did you say something?” Nanami asked.

“No. Nothing”

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m not”

“You’ll feel better in a bit. Don’t worry…” He said softly as he sipped from a soda you didn’t know he had. When had he ordered it? You looked in front of you to the nice surprise that you had one too despite not knowing how or when. “I ordered some ramen for you. Something spicy...It’ll sober you up faster”

You chuckled as you looked at him.

“And how do you know that?” You asked with a cheeky tone as he smiled softly.

“Went drinking a lot with friends from work” He said. “I learned a few things here and there”

More brief black outs kept lazily painting a rather miserable painting in your memory. As you ate your ramen, you found yourself relaxing more and more. Was it the hot spicy broth? In the beginning, the balck outs weren’t getting any less frequent, however, as the night went by, you found yourself sobering up like he said. Soon, the black outs were gone, however you were still somehow locked in a haze. Although it made sense. The amount of booze as well as the short time, it was going to take a lot more than just one hot bowl of spicy ramen to get you back to a sober state.

The conversation kept flowing comfortably as both of you ate. It was reminiscent of the old days, nostalgic and somehow morbid. As the both of you tried to grasp at the old days when your worries were limited to school work. Catching up like old friends who hadn't seen each other, as if you didn’t have hard feelings for each other.

After having finished your food, Nanami paid for both of your meals and went back out into the cold night. The sky black, stars hidden by the streetlights as you made it to his car and finally noticed the silver color in it.

As he drove back to the school, you noticed he took a small detour, instantly setting alarms in your head.

“Where are we going?” You asked, your voice considerably serious as he noticed the change in tone from the pleasant talk they were having in the restaurant.

“There’s somewhere I’d like to go…” He said as he briefly looked at you and gave you a tender smile.

That smile made your heart uncomfortably skip a beat as you hated the effect he still had on you. You didn’t dare to ask any further as you slowly recognized the route he was taking. As he slowly took one of the roads towards the edge of the city close to the coast line. He stopped in a rather deserted place, as he got off the road and stopped the car.

Despite the lack of light, aside from the few streetlights, you knew exactly where you were. A whole in your chest opened dramatically as you felt your eyes tear up and happy memories attached to the location flooded your mind.

“Kento…” You said chuckling bitterly.

“When I said I wanted to apologize, I meant it…” He said as you clenched your jaw and looked out your window, avoiding his stare.

“And I told you I didn’t want to talk about it…”

“You’re still upset about it, I get it. And I don’t blame you” He began as he felt his heart beating hard in his chest. “Look at me, please”

You wanted to say something to him. But you knew you would break down crying as soon as you opened your mouth. You took a deep breath and without saying anything you looked at him. His dark brown eyes gazing into yours, as he was looking at you with a rather pained stare.

“You remember this place, don’t you?” He asked.

A bitter laugh escaped your lips as you clicked your seatbelt, getting it off.

“I’m done” You said dryly as you opened the door and got out of the car.

“No, [Name]. Please, wait” He said as he mirrored your movements and excited the car walking around it.

“Of fuckign course I know where I am, Kento” You barked as you walked away approaching the door. “I know where I lost my fucking virginity, okay?” You barked as you stopped coldly and looked at him, tears finally streaming off your face. “Look, I’ll make us a favour and summarize this conversation. Yes, you’re a fucking asshole for just taking off one day and completely disappearing. Yes, I’m still mad about it. No, I won’t take your apology. No, I don’t care about whatever shitty excuse you have for me to listen to you. You bringing me here out of all places isn’t going to change shit…” You spat all in one breath as you stopped and took a deep breath.

“I loved you, Kento. I really did. And it hurt to have you just dissipate like you were a hallucination or something...You were my first kiss, my first love, my first everything! And one day I lost all of that. You ruined sex for me!” You yelled angrily. “I could never hold, kiss or sleep with anyone, because at some point I’d see your stupid face, and then be incredibly underwhelmed because I would not enjoy sex. I can’t feel anything anymore, Kento...The only way I can actually enjoy those things is by getting drunk or high” You admitted. “I can’t walk into bookstores, nor eat sandwiches or diet coke, nor drink tea because all those things remind me of you. And yes, it’s lame that all these years later I still care about those things. And this is why I can’t forgive you” You cried, as your voice shook.

Nanami’s heart broke little by little at each one of your words. He knew he’d screwed up and had hurt you deeply. But he wasn’t aware of the actual impact. He clenched his jaw as he felt his chest tight and a lump on his throat. Now the drinking problem made sense. Gojo had painted it like you were an alcoholic, but it wasn’t exactly the case. So you’d gone to the bar to get it off with some stranger, probably pretending it was him.

The dizzying pain and weight of his mistakes blinded him for a second as he walked towards you as you kept bitterly complaining. As you tried to walk away, you made a very poor effort as he caught up with you and cupped your face in his hands, bringing you closer to him and shutting you up by pressing his lips against you.

The sudden surprise made your heart stop. Your mind turning numb and blank at once as you struggled to bring yourself to push him away. However, truth be told, you didn't want to push him away. The poor attempt to push him away was more than obvious. The strong fighter you were, barely making any physical effort. Nanami's hands wrapped around your back and pulled you close, squeezing you against him as he sighed into the kiss.

Finally kissing him back, you locked your lips against his desperately, eager to taste the lips you've been dreading in your dreams. Clinging to him like he was going to disappear again, a soft whimper escaped your mouth. Your chest pressing against him as he felt his own world getting blurry.

He broke the kiss pulling away as he pressed his forehead against yours.

“You have no idea how much I missed you” He whispered as you clung to him.

“I-I…” You stuttered, the words tasting bitter before they even made it to your mouth. “Fuck, I want you, Kento” You growled as he pulled you in, kissing you hungrily again.

His hands posessively clinging to you as he slowly guided you back to the car. One step at the time as you both melted in a hungry sour kiss. As you ran out of breath, you pulled away, gasping for air as you gripped his collar in your hands.

“I can’t hold back anymore” You said as you pulled away and grabbed his hand, walking back to his car.

Your words unleashed a shiver down his spine as his heart skipped a beat and raced like crazy, as his pants started feeling tighter on his crotch. He chuckled softly as he realized his own judgement seemed to have disappeared with that first kiss. And before you could even make it to his car, he gripped your hips and spun you around as he bumped his forehead against yours.

“I can’t either” He admitted as he guided you to the car’s hood and pulled you over it. Ass you sat on the warm hood, he got between your legs and you wasted no time wrapping them around his waist. He grunted softly feeling your crotch against his as you pulled him closer to seal your lips together.

As you soon were absorbed by the dizziness of your rising heat, his hand went to your bare thighs as he slowly caressed your skin, going up and lifting your skirt up in the process. A soft moan slid into his mouth as he gripped your ass softly and squeezed it. The way your skin got covered in goosebumps and how you jerked your hips made him moan in response.

It felt good, and intoxicating. The driving desire burning his insides. The feeling of desiring to taste you all over and have you shaking underneath him. God, he’d missed that particular rush of adrenaline. His body reacting to the deeply buried memories now loose. He felt like he was in the best high he’d experienced. Lightheadedness and presence in the moment, he hadn’t felt this alive in so long.

Your hands were slowly undoing his buttoned shirt and were quick to explore his warm skin. He pulled away from the kiss, gasping as he looked at you. Your devilish smile matching your hungry stare. You leaned forward kissing his neck, nibbling on his skin every now and then. His hand gripped your hair tightly, pulling it lightly, making you look up at him as he stared at you.

He leaned forward, kissing you once more, this time a lot more slow and a lot more tender. It was sweet and it was slow and it took you by surprise. You felt his sweet kiss begging you, still holding on to the feelings you both decided to drown unsuccessfully. It almost hurt. It was the kind of kiss that told you how much you missed and needed each other. How much you regretted the mistakes you’ve done.

As you melted against his lips, his hands slowly slid your panties off. You helped him lifting your hips a little but as you giggled against his lips.

“Eager?” You said with a playful smirk.

“You have no idea” He replied as he took off your panties and shoved them in his back pocket.

His hand made it back to your thigh, slowly going up until he palmed your hot sex. Stealing a gasp out of your mouth, he teasingly ran one of his fingers through your dripping slit, making him smile satisfied.

“I’m not the only one, huh?” He said as you looked at him with lustful eyes.

You took his glasses off and set them aside. You were about to go back to kissing his neck when he slid one finger inside of you effortlessly. A rather loud moan escaped your lips as you shut your eyes closed feeling your entire body tingle in a way you hadn’t felt in years. You smiled satisfied as you continued kissing his neck. Slowly, he got another finger inside. The delicious stretch of his second finger prompting you to bite his neck softly making him growl your name softly. His fingers explored the whole he knew so well, as he found your sweet spot almost by muscle memory. More moans came out of your throat sounding like music to his ears.

“Fuck, Kento” You hissed as you took off your top, not caring that you were outdoors and by the road. Up to this point, you were so pent up, you simply craved him like you’d never craved anything before.

Nanami wasted no time and kissed your neck, going down to your neck, gently biting your skin every now and then. Sucking delicately on your skin, leaving marks that wouldn’t last long. He pulle dhis fingers out of you, clinging to your body desperately. As you laid on the car’s hood, you devoured him with your lustful eyes, begging him to get on top of you. Wearing just your skirt by this point, Nanami groaned at the plain sight of you.

He undid his belt and his pants. Your hands playfully teasing your own body in an attempt to drive him crazier and crazier. He cursed under his breath as he couldn’t take it any longer. He pulled his painfully hard erection out of his pants. You watched hi, intrigued, stretching your hands towards him, gently gripping his dick. His breath hitched and you smiled proudly.

Nanami leaned over the car hood, slowly getting on top of you, his shaft resting on your belly as he looked at how much deep could he go inside of you. His tip almost reaching you belly button, as the idea alone made a shiver run down his spine.

"Please, Kento" you gasped, need dripping from your voice as you caressed his dick

He growled softly as he pulled away softly, aligning against your entrance and slowly going in. You gasped, pushing your head back and pressing your hips against his making him go deeper.

Hissing your name, he jerked his hips, his tip.kissing your cervix as sudden rush of pain jolted through your body, followed by pleasure. You dug your nails in his shoulders as he thrusted back and forth, hitting all the right spots. The sound of his gasps and grunts hypnotizing as you got wetter by the second. His length coated in your juices, echoing in lewd wet noises.

He was rough. He usually was. Back in student days, he was particularly rough. As quiet and collected as he seemed, he sure got his stress out if his body through wild sex.

Relentlessly pushing against you, stretching you in such a delicious way only he knew how. Strong and aggressive movements as your walls swallowed him whole every time, breathless moans escaping your lips with every push. The cool wind kissing your skin, only enhancing his warmth.

As you felt your orgasm progressively approaching, the realization of how addicted you were to him hit you. He was everything you desired. And it was wrong. Before the feeling of uneasiness started to sink in, a sudden electric rush ran through your body. Painfully and soothing, as you tightly clenched around himbsoon numbed your mind.

As you came around him, your walls sucked him in tightly, as he was right over the brink, your velvet flesh pushed him off the edge. He didn't have time to pull out. And honestly, he didn't want to pull out. The way your walls milked him felt delicious. As he rode you through your orgasm, filling you up as his head felt dizzy and the world was spinning faster than usual. His hot seed coating your insides, as you shut your eyes closed, feeling the very last of your orgasm fading away.

He pressed his forehead against yours. Loud pants echoing.

However, the world didn't quite return to its regular focus.

The rest of the night went by in a fuzzy hot mess of events. You returned to his apartment and kept feasting on each other, making up for the lost time. Both of you incredibly starved and needy, you desperately went at it over and over again. It was a rather long night. As you feared, no one made you feel as he did. All of him was addicting. His smell, his voice, his warmth, his skin...It didn’t matter how many strangers you fucked, or how drunk or high you were, he felt just right. He made you cum so easily, it seemed ridiculous everyone else couldn’t.

But you knew it was far more than that.

You were still deeply in love with him. No wonder why he had that effect on you. Just hearing his breathlessly gasp was enough to have you soaking wet and under his mercy. Between sweet kisses, fake promises and sweaty sex, he quite literally fucked you to oblivion. Until either of you could take it any longer and you two fell asleep in each other’s arms. It had been a long tiring night, as you knew many of your muscles were gonna be sore the next day. Your chest painted in red and blue bruises.

It was possibly one of the best night sleeps he’d had. In such a long time. The uncomfortable hole in his chest didn’t feel so wide now. Just like you, he didn’t know how much he actually needed you until now. His regrets, his guilt, the thoughts haunting him on how much of a jerk he’d been when he simply took off...All those feelings went away for a night. As he tasted the wonders of the universe under your skin. Feeling ecstatic and euphoric for the first time in years. However, nothing could’ve prepared Nanami for what he was about to experience when he woke up.

~

“What the hell is this?” Gojo asked as he waved around the folder you’d left a few hours earlier in the Headmaster’s office.

“Why the fuck do you care?” You said as you grabbed it, ripping it off his hands.

“You’re seriously leaving for Kyoto?” He whined.

“So my transfer was accepted? Great!” You said sarcastically as you opened the folder and saw the Headmaster’s seal at the bottom.

“What about Nanami-kun?” Gojo replied as the very last string of your patience snapped.

“Oh, fuck you, Gojo! You tried to force us back together, but it’s not going to happen” You snapped. “I’m done. I’m done with him, and I’m done with you sticking your nose in my business”

“Do you really think that running away will solve anything? You’ll still be depressed as hell”

“The less I know about him, the better” You said as you turned around, hot tears blurring your sight as you headed with long steps towards your room. “I don’t trust myself around him…” You whispered. “He’s my weakness Gojo, I can’t let that happen…” You said coldly.

You’d left that morning very early, before Nanami woke up. And you left leaving no trace of you ever being there. Unintentionally doing the same he did. It was unintentional because you hadn’t done it out of spite. Your thought process had been simply. You preferred to not have that conversation and simply leave without him noticing. You had had the exact same thought process Nanami had had all those years ago.

You didn’t waste time and soon started packing your things to leave for Kyoto right away.

[thekingofthieves]

Hey Kurama👋 have 3 questions:

Have you watched the snapcube sonic fan dubs

In your fox form do you ever get the zoomies

What was the funniest thing you ever experienced (so funny that you actually started belly laughing)

Hello there! Oh, multiple questions this time, hm? Well let's see here...

1. I'm afraid I haven't heard of that before. :o Doing a quick search, it appears to be people doing improvised lines over the cutscenes... Hm, in all honesty, I'm not sure if this would appeal to my sense of humor, but I did only look at a small moment of one, so I very well could be wrong. As of right now, I'd say I don't plan to watch them, but I may change my mind at some point in the future.

I am a fan of the Sonic series itself, though! I'd say my favorites are Team Dark- I doubt it's a surprise I'm drawn towards a group with a thief character, haha. It's also kind of astounding to me the sheer amount of similarities Shadow has to Hiei- even down to having a sweet sister in blue. I admit, I do have an extra strong fondness for this character solely because of how much he's like Hiei. :)

🌹

2. Haha, I suppose getting the "zoomies" would be an accurate statement. I've always really loved running through nature, and there's something particularly appealing about it when I'm in my fox form. Perhaps it's because of how much bigger the world looks and feels, with the trees towering over me even more than usual. Plus, I love the way the wind flows through my hair, so experiencing that all over my body is quite nice.

Sometimes if I'm feeling a little restless, I'll shift into my fox form just to take a run. I also often get the desire to do so when its snowing, since I spent a lot of my early life in cold climates- especially once I gained my plant manipulation abilities, as I enjoyed training my powers in such environments. Many plants are less inclined to grow and be manipulated with youki in the cold, so I found the added difficulty to be quite fun. So I suppose winter makes me feel quite nostalgic for that time, heh.

🌹

3. Oh dear, funniest memory in all of my few thousand years? I think that'd be hard to pin down, and I'm sure there's a good few I can't recall at the moment... So, I'll go for a recent story.

There's been a few times where I've convinced Hiei to play strip poker with me. I'm quite skilled at card games, so I already usually excel against him, but there was one game in particular where I was still fully clothed while he was almost completely naked across from me. Finally he had won one round, and smirked at me as he said "shirt. off." With me being who I am though, I kept full eye contact with him as I slowly slipped off a shoe and tossed it aside, haha. I was almost afraid he was going to burn the cards again, but thankfully he didn't.

That, however, wasn't the moment that made me bust into a fit of laughter. I only explained that as it was surely the catalyst for what happened the next time I had asked him to play strip poker with me. Hiei agreed to play, but in a moment, so I shuffled the cards in the meantime. He was taking longer than I expected, but I could still feel his energy in the house, so I didn't worry about it and just waited for him to return. And when he did, he... well, he looked kinda like this:

Except it looked even more ridiculous, what with it being Hiei, and many of my clothes being much too big for him. I actually laughed so hard it started to hurt. 😂 I went with it for the game since it was too hilarious. And I did get a significant amount of the clothes off of him as we played, but I most certainly didn't win that time, haha.

[beatriceeagle]

well now I'm curious about your thoughts on the princess diaries - both movies, if you feel so inclined - but I don't have a specific prompt for you, so... free choice?

Well, to start with, I think I’ve only watched the sequel like, maybe twice, and that was well over a decade ago, so I’m not sure I have any thoughts about it.

But the original, oh my god. It is, without question, the movie I have watched the most in my life. I used to watch it to fall asleep, when I was a kid, so I can quote basically the entire thing from memory. (“The elegant European lady didn’t stay for tea... but the promise of tomorrow hung in the air.”)

Do I have thoughts on it, though? I mean, other than the fact that it’s a good movie that certainly deserves the childhood cult status of, say, The Goonies?

Actually, that’s a thought I have on The Princess Diaries, although it’s maybe not a thought about the movie itself. My ability to reproduce a line from any scene of that movie more or less at will (“Goodbye, trolley people!”) does not make me unique. In fact, as far as I can tell, it makes me a completely typical 28-year-old American woman. I’m the fucking norm.

Yet I feel like our cultural referents are not catching up. On Superstore (a show, I should make clear, I adore) Jonah, who was born in 1988, waxes poetic to Amy about The Goonies, a movie that came out three years before he was born. On Community, Abed (exact age unknown, but probably born in the mid 1980s) and Troy (born in 1989) play out endless variations on 80s classics, which at least makes sense for Abed, who is a cultural omnivore—but they also pull along Annie (1990) who never seems to have input of her own, other than liking “some guy named Mark Ruffalo.” The characters on The Magicians (all born in the early 90s) belt out 80s power ballads—I know they’re all hipsters, but you mean to tell me not one of the girls has a weakness for “Supergirl”? Come on, I’ve seen Alice’s bedroom.

It’s not news that 80s nostalgia is long outliving its natural shelf-life, to the point where there will surely be a generation that grew up on Stranger Things and experiences 80s nostalgia nostalgia. But 90s nostalgia is starting to work its way into pop culture: The Good Place and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt have bits about Friends, Mid90s and Boyhood are both movies that exist, Fresh Off the Boat and Derry Girls are 90s period pieces, and of course, every 90s TV show will eventually be rebooted or revived.

But I think it’s notable that in all that, in the vast majority of 90s/early 00s nostalgia, you won’t find a single Princess Diaries reference, or for that matter, a Parent Trap reference, or a Mean Girls reference, or a Legally Blonde reference, even though those four movies make up, like, the basis of the culture by which a huge swath of American women age 25-35 communicate. We’re nostalgic for Disney movies and Squeeze-Its and old-school Nickelodeon, but how is it possible that Legends of Tomorrow has done so very many 80s parodies and not one single loving homage to The Princess Diaries? You’re telling me 13-year-old Sara Lance wouldn’t have had a crush on Lily Moscovitz?

(This is all to say that yes, I watched the vid for “thank u, next” about EIGHT MILLION TIMES.)

Send me meta prompts to distract me from my migraine!

[edupunkn00b]

First of all, @girlfaglogan, I hope you are getting a chance to rest and collect some more spoons <3

For your questions: (spoilers follow)

Why Logan Can't Go in Lucas' Room

This is closely tied to their division and Lucas' power. In short, each Side's room is their power concentrated. Virgil's is anxiety, Romans (and Remus') are creativity and the desire to achieve your hopes and dreams (and, for Remus… his kind of dreams, both good and bad.) Janus', ironically, forces truth (like Janus is without his gloves). Patton's is all about emotion and nostalgic (emotional) memories. Logan's room encourages focus and… well, he's going to have to find out, now that he has his actual room.

Lucas and Logan's Division

Lucas' power was essentially custom-made for Logan. He does have the ability to direct angry energies into a space, but that's more a side effect.

Originally, Patton and Janus tried to have a true division for Curiositas. Logic and Righteous Anger. They tried to pull out all the anger and put it into another Side.

They failed.

You see, Curiositas' anger wasn't just some random emotional flash. It was the logical reaction and desire to resolve and repair injustices, both injustices in the world (Curiositas: "WHAT!? Humans can't be property!"; "WHAT!? Children can't be forced to work in factories", etc.) and injustices inside of Thomas himself (Curiositas: "WHAT!? You're banishing the Duke to the Subconscious because you don't like his ideas?" and, finally, "YOU SENT THE DUKE WHERE!")

The only way to "subtract" the anger from Curiositas was to take away both the memory of the triggering event and the fire to change things.

Which brings us to Lucas' room. His room is his power, which is, in short, to take away Logan's drive to change what is wrong.

Most people, much as Curiositas had in the past, and Logan does in the present, experience that drive as anger.

I am angry that my teachers are treating me like I'm a child.

I am angry that I am being gaslight.

I am angry that I am being hurt.

The only way to take away the anger is to take away the drive to change what's wrong. That's why Logan just... gave up in Lucas room. No drive. No ability to even pull down a blanket inches from his fingertips when he was freezing.

Essentially, depression.

Lucas and Curiositas

Now, by taking the drive to change things and the underlying memory of what's wrong and putting that in another Side, Janus and Patton didn't creat a full split, but more a siphon. They did succeed in pulling out the Creative aspects of Curiosity, like creative problem solving. And the siphoned parts didn't have Curiositas' emotions or feelings, just a snapshot of his memories. He developed into his own Side.

So Lucas knew that Curiositas loved Remus and Janus. He knew how Curiositas felt, but he wasn't him.

It's why he doesn't want to go into Curiositas' Library. It's not really his. And the relationship Curiositas had with Janus and Remus wasn't really his, either.

Both Janus/Lucas and Remus/Lucas became friends, but he wasn't Curiositas.

Finally, anger is renewable. Without the constant siphoning of his righteous anger by Lucas, his anger came back. The same as his love for Janus and Remus. They were still the same and increased exposure to what makes them so special rekindled the love Curiositas (now named Logan) felt.

Lucas in the Subconscious

This also meant that a tragic consequence of Janus and Patton playing God was that the Side who had the creative powers to survive the subconscious was not the Side who loved Janus and Remus. And the Side "tractable" enough to remain in the Core Mindscape close to Patton was not the Side who freely expressed emotion.

Janus lost one of his loves, and Patton lost his friend.

"It didn't work."

"Yes, it did." -> I love you, brother, and you need to know that.

A Little Bit of Love, Ch. 7: Remember

Prev - Remember - Next - Masterpost - [ AO3 ]

Rated T - CW: Angst, kissing, flashbacks (what, edu tell a nonlinear story, wut?) - WC: 6597

“It’s really nice to see those two finally getting along again,” Patton murmured to Logan at the top of the stairs. He tilted his head back downstairs where Virgil and Janus were sitting together, finishing breakfast.

Logan nodded, “I suspect they've both missed each other. No-one else is quite up to either’s full-force snark,” he chuckled. “They can each take as much as they dish out… When they know there’s love beneath it all, of course.”

Patton took a deep breath and smiled at Logan, his hand resting on the handle to his bright turquoise door. “Are you ready, Kiddo?”

“Yes.” Logan’s voice cracked. “Well, no, to be completely honest, I am not." He sucked in a shaky breath and straightened his tie. "However… yes. I need this.” Logan tilted his head at the ordinarily bubbly Side, eyebrow raised. "Perhaps I should make the same inquiry of you, Patton. Are you ready? You've been uncharacteristically pun-free this morning."

Patton twisted his hoodie sleeves together and chuckled. "Oh, you know me, Kiddo. I'm just fine." Logan's eyebrow rose higher. "Okay, I will be fine," he admitted with a shrug, then opened the door and slipped inside, holding it open for Logan. "I think I probably need this just as much as you do."

He took one more deep breath and, squashing down the prickly fear roiling up from his stomach, stepped into Patton’s now-familiar room. His feet sank into the soft and plush wall-to-wall carpet and the air smelled like vanilla sugar cookies. It somehow seemed to sparkle. The walls themselves glowed and shimmered, like something from a dream.

Every available surface in the room was covered in knickknacks and pictures and tiny stuffed animals. The walls were completely decorated with framed photographs, drawings, and art, and were lined with twinkling fairy lights.

As Logan looked around the room, he felt a soft ache growing in the center of his chest. At first it didn’t hurt as much as it had when they’d all gone to visit Patton’s room during their figurative “feel trip,” but it was still uncomfortable. Logan tried to breathe into the pain and closed his eyes. But as the pain grew, doubled over, putting his hands on his knees to open his lungs and try breathe more deeply.

“Lo, Kiddo, it’s okay… you’re fighting it.” Patton rubbed his back. “Feel it. It’s okay.”

“Feel what? I don’t… I don’t understand…” Logan shook his head, fighting for breath.

“Think about something… something that makes you happy.”

Logan closed his eyes, remembering his first thoughts that morning. Remus’ mustache had brushed against the back of his neck in his sleep and he’d woken up enveloped in strong, warm arms. He’d opened his eyes and could see that Janus’ hair had fallen over his face in his sleep, a little tuft swaying with each exhale. Logan almost didn’t want to brush it away, but he feared the movement might tickle him in his sleep. So he’d gently lifted the lock away, tucking it behind his ear.

Logan opened his eyes and straightened as, breath by breath, the pain released its grip on his heart. He blinked and Patton’s room grew brighter.

“Better?” Patton asked, eyes twinkling.

He could only nod, still feeling the warmth from the memory flowing through his chest and all across his skin. When he thought he could trust his voice not wobble, he cleared his throat and turned to Patton.

“So… how… How will this work? I can certainly… feel… I—I feel things in here.” He took another breath, centering himself with the peace he’d felt earlier that morning. “It's much stronger than the last time I was here. But if I…” he huffed out a little laugh. “If I think ‘happy thoughts,’ it doesn’t hurt.”

“Well, I guess that makes sense. You know, that you're feeling more this time.” Patton gave a little half shrug. “It's just you and me, none of the other Sides are here to diffuse what you're feeling. Or to distract you from it. And I’m doing a lot less repressing these days. It's bound to have an impact.”

Logan closed his eyes again, but after a moment, his brow furrowed and he shook his head. “I don't seem to have any memories associated with the feelings, though. I just”—he gestured toward his chest—”feel.”

Patton giggled. “Well, of course. You haven't touched anything yet.”

“Is that required?” Logan’s eyes widened and he looked around at the cluttered space as though something might leap out at him.

“Well, yeah.” Patton laughed, “If you want to do more than just get emotional.”

“That day we were all here in your room, you kept handing things to Thomas.” Logan walked through the video in his mind, nodding slowly. “And Virgil picked up the journal and the notebook… and Ja—Roman… he touched everything in sight.”

He looked down at his own empty hands. They shook slightly. “That's right. Everyone touched multiple items when they were in here that day.”

“Everyone except you, Lo.” Patton gave him a little crooked smile. “Hey… why don’t you sit down, Kiddo, before you fall over.”

Settling Logan into a chair in a relatively sparse corner of the room, Patton scrunched his nose as he surveyed the crowded shelves. “I think that trying to go through everything in here all at once might be a little too overwhelming.” He chewed at his lip for a second before sitting on the armrest of Logan’s chair. “What would you like to know about?”

“Well… I… I found my room.” Patton’s eyes widened at Logan's words. “My… my real room came back.”

“Oh.” Patton’s voice was quiet and he tugged at the cuffs of his cat hoodie. “When I saw the blue door at the end of the hall… I thought your room just moved.”

Logan shook his head and looked away. After a while, he finally asked, “Did you know?” He squared his shoulders and turned to meet Patton’s eyes. “Did you know that I didn’t actually….”

Patton’s nod was so shallow he would have missed it if he wasn’t sitting so close. “Janus was adamant that we at least try to have you stay here even though…” His mouth quivered. “Even though your room moved next to his in the Subconscious. He somehow snuck in Remus to create a new room for you here and at first… at first it looked just like your old room. But…” Patton picked up Logan’s hand from his lap and held it between his own. “After a while, it changed… one by one, the pictures went away, and…”

Logan nodded. His old room? Faux room? He sighed, unsure what to call it even in his own mind. “It become utilitarian. A place to sleep and to work. It was cold, always cold… and filled with just books and schedules… “ Logan wrapped one arm around his torso. “Until….”

“Until you started spending more time with Janus and Remus again.”

“Again?”

Patton froze, his mouth hanging open slightly. “W—well, yeah. Um….” He let go of Logan’s hand, tucking his own into his paw print sleeves, batting them together.

"Patton, I found an old notebook in my room. My real room…" Logan looked down at his own hands, his mouth working silently. Finally, he blurted out. "Patton, it was filled with Remus’ and my handwriting. How is that possible?"

The Paternal Side chewed at his lip. “Well, when you were Curiosity, you and Remus… and Janus spent a lot of time together.”

Logan frowned. “I have no memory of that.” Janus’ words from last night suddenly made more sense. ‘I have loved you for so long….’

“Maybe let’s start there then.” Patton stood and walked over to a large, rainbow colored scrapbook. He turned a few pages, then gently pulled out a piece of black construction paper. He held it for a moment and smiled, then looked over at Logan and took a deep breath.

Holding the paper almost reverently, Patton brought it over to where Logan sat. He could now see it was a drawing. Some sort of abstract sketch, swirls and triangles in different colors. “Here, Lo. Hold this.”

Swallowing back the rush of irrational fear threatening to burst from his throat—it’s just a piece of paper, Logan—he stood and reached for the drawing, holding it between his thumb and index finger.

He stood near the foot of his bed and held the drawing in front of his chest with both hands. The thick black construction paper was larger, and nearly completely covered the width of his ribs. His voice was high and reedy, and cracked periodically into a lower register, but he wasn't afraid of what he sounded like. Instead, his skin buzzed under the warm and attentive gazes of the two Sides gathered in front of him. They smiled and waited for him to speak. “Each shape represents one of us, connected in different ways….“ His mouth stretched into a wide smile and a bright energy burst out with his words. “They're set in a field of stars representing the vastness and mystery of space, the cradle of every element we have here on our planet, every element we’re modeled after in Thomas’ body and throughout his whole world.”

The drawing slipped from his hands and fell to the floor. Logan dropped to his knees, tears pouring down his face, breathless. He looked up at Patton, hands shaking, “What was that?”

“That was… that was you, Lo.” Patton picked up the drawing and placed it on his bed before wiping away Logan’s tears and wrapping him in a bear hug. The Paternal Side rubbed circles against his back, making little shushing sounds until his breathing slowed and his hiccuping sobs quieted.

Eventually, Logan could extend his fingers without them shaking and the tightness in his chest was nearly completely gone. He pulled away from Patton and nodded. “Show me more.”

Patton swallowed hard, wrapped his arm around Logan’s shoulder and placed the picture in his hands.

Logan, Janus, and Remus were together in his room. A soft light from the stars in his ceiling glowed around them, and a kitchen timer ticked steadily, ready to alert them when it was time to check the samples on the lab table in the corner. Low strains from Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 5 flowed from an ancient record player in the opposite corner, a few feet away from Logan and Janus’ unfinished chess game. Remus and Janus were cuddled together on top of the covers on Logan’s bed, Janus sitting up against the padded headboard, Remus draped over him, head in his lap. Janus carded a hand through Remus’ hair, gently scritching his scalp with his short, dull nails. Earlier that day, Remus had painted all of their nails in an ombre of blue, green, and yellow and the holographic topcoat he'd used sparkled across Janus' nails. Both Sides listened intently to Logan as he described the picture he’d drawn the day before. “Each of the shapes is… well, us.” He pointed to the blue triangles. “I chose a basic geometric shape for me, simple, and… precise.” He adjusted his glasses. “I must admit, I used a straight-edge to keep the lines from wobbling too much. I realize it’s a bit—” “It’s perfect for you, Curiosity.” Janus purred, smiling at Logan with a warmth he felt down to his toes. Blushing, Logan continued. “Your shapes, Prez, are the yellow spirals. Smooth and swirly…” He laughed. “Like when you tried to teach me to waltz.” “You were doing great by the end, Big C!” Remus suddenly flipped over and bounced on his knees on the bed. “Oooo… we should go dancing in the Imagination later! I can build us a ballroom and we’ll have an orchestra hanging from the ceiling so the music just falls down all over us!” He let himself collapse back onto Janus’ lap with little grunt. Janus grinned down at him, stroking his hair, “That sounds like fun. Are you you up for it, Curiosity?” Nodding, Logan sat on the foot of the bed and gave Remus’ hand a little squeeze. “That sounds quite enjoyable.” “Oh, I interrupted. Keep talking about your drawing, C!” Logan stood again at the foot of the bed. “That brings me to your shape, Duke.” He grinned at Remus as he sat up, legs criss-crossed and stone-still. “The green zig-zags are for you. Perhaps a little… chaotic, but the perfect balance between the other shapes.” Remus leapt up and hugged Logan, kissing his cheek. The peach fuzz growing on Remus’ upper lip tickled his skin and made him shiver, the joy pouring off of him in waves. “Duke,” Janus warned. “You should ask first.” “I’m sorry, Curiosity. I… I got excited.” Adjusting his glasses, he blushed again, but his smile only grew. “It is quite alright, Duke. It was… it was nice.” He bit his lip, looking at Remus. “May I?” Remus nodded excitedly and Logan softly brushed a kiss against his cheek. Remus wrapped his arms around him again, pulled him close and hugged him for a long time, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet. Logan closed his eyes, feeling the steady beat of Remus' pulse where his cheek rested near the Creative Side’s neck. He opened his eyes and noticed Janus watching them with a soft smile. Logan nudged Remus and winked, who grabbed him, shouting, “Incoming,” and took a flying leap onto the bed next to Janus. “You were looking kinda lonely over there, Prez.” Remus turned, still holding on to a laughing Logan, and flopped him onto the bed. He sprawled out, chest down, head digging into Logan’s stomach and legs tangled with Janus’. He tucked his right arm around Logan’s waist, and his left around Janus. Finally, Remus stilled, letting out a contented sigh. “Comfy there, Duke?” “Indeed…” he hummed, winking up at Logan. Janus chuckled and draped his arm around Logan’s shoulders, tangling his fingers in his hair. He tilted his head, letting his cheek rest against the side of Logan’s head. “Me, too.” Logan nodded, leaning against Janus and smoothing Remus’s hair where his head lay on his belly. After several minutes, Remus started to fidget. “You shared something with us and, um… I

really wanna share something with you two.” “Oh?” Logan sat up, eyes sparkling behind his lenses. “Have you been working on something new?” “Oh, I have… I just figured out how to create Venus Fly Traps that can survive in the forest and they’re three feet tall and could capture a small mammal if there were any slow enough to get caught and—Oh…” He smiled a little shyly, gnawing at his lip. “But this isn’t about a project.” Janus sat up, eyebrows raised. Remus leaned in and held their hands. “I… I—I wanna tell you my name.” He looked at Janus. “Both of you.” “Oh… Duke… I do not wish for you to feel pressured just because I shared something personal.” Logan met Remus’ eyes. “I hope you know you don’t have to.” “Yes, Duke, while Fae rules needn’t apply in the Mindscape,” he smirked at Remus’ giggle, “Your name is yours… You should only tell people when you really want to. We won’t ever make you reveal that about yourself.” He stroked the back of Remus’ hand. “It’s yours to share or conceal.” “I know all that, Prez. I want to tell you.” He grinned at the two Sides. “I want you two to be the first to hear it. I…" He let his voice drop to a whisper. "I haven’t even told my brother yet.” “Prince doesn’t even know?” Remus shook his head, vibrating with suppressed energy. Logan and Janus exchanged a glance and then smiled at Remus, nodding. “We are listening.” He took a deep breath and looked at Logan. “You remember that story you read to us a while ago, that big book on Roman mythology? I thought… Well, you know… I thought a good name for me might be… Remus.” “That’s a beautiful name,” Logan said. He brushed a lock of Remus’ hair from his eyes. “Remus.” The Creative Side grinned and blushed. “My name is from that same book.” Janus said quietly. Remus’ eyes widened and his smile grew. A little laugh bubbled up out of his throat as he flung his arms around Janus’ neck, hugging him tightly. “Really? That’s so cool, Prez!” Logan watched them. Once Remus loosened his grip around his shoulders, Janus shifted the Creative Side into a seated position in his lap, resting his head against his chest. Janus squeezed each of their hands, smiling at Logan. “Can I tell you?” “But you just said...” Remus’ brow furrowed as he looked up at him. “I know. I… You’re right. I want you two to know…" He looked between the two of them, eyes guarded. Remus and Logan both smiled back and he closed his eyes and whispered, "My name is Janus.” “Oh!” Remus danced in his lap. “You made yourself a god!” “That is… uncanny.” The worried crinkle between Janus’ eyebrows softened as he watched the smile grow on Logan’s face. “You have chosen a name that truly represents the duality of Self-Preservation. At times, it is most important for people to remain vulnerable and open to their needs and feelings, to reach out for the connections all individuals need.” Janus stroked Logan’s cheek, raising a knowing eyebrow. “And at the same time, sometimes we must retreat and conceal in order to be kept safe. Such as…” All three Side’s eyes were drawn to the tiny unicorn stuffie on Logan’s bed and its rainbow-patterned mane. Janus slowly nodded. “Well, lately, more of my function has seemed to be around closing the door on things Thomas would rather keep hidden. And… only revealing them when he feels safe. At the risk of the conceit of choosing the name of a god—” “It’s perfect, Janus.” Logan hugged both Sides, tucking his head between theirs. Remus wiggled on Janus’ lap. “I love the way it feels falling off the tongue… Janus… Jan…us.” He shivered and nestled closer to the two other Sides and Janus blushed. Logan shifted against them and, after a moment, whispered breathlessly. “Do you wish to know my name?” “You’ve decided?” Logan nodded. “It is not nearly as creative as either of yours… However, I believe it suits me and it’s descriptive and… I really like the way it sounds. Just like both of yours, it's from Latin, my…” His cheeks warmed, looking down at their intertwined hands. “It’s my favorite language.”

He hung his head, grinding his teeth. “Now I’m not so sure it’s adequate.” “My dear Curiosity,” Janus lifted his chin, gently massaging Logan’s jaw with his thumb to relax it. “I am positive it will be a wonderful name… because you have chosen it.” “Yeah, Big C.” Remus leaned his head against Logan’s shoulder, looking up at him with wide eyes. “Let’s hear it!” ‘“Well, I chose… Curiositas.” Remus rolled the name around in his mouth. “Curiositas… I love it!” He wrapped his arms around Logan and squeezed. Draping his own arms over Remus’, Logan stroked his glittery sleeves and looked up at Janus. He wanted his approval, too. Janus smiled softly and cupped his cheek. “It’s wonderful, Curiositas.” “Hey… our names all kinda rhyme.” Logan adjusted his glasses with a smile. “A slant rhyme, perhaps, however if it was good enough for Ginsberg and Dickinson, it would be hubristic to think it was somehow beneath us.” “Look out, Mindscape! Janus, Remus, and Curiositas are gonna be unstoppable!” Smiling, Logan laid back against Janus’ shoulder, Remus cradled against his chest. The subtle scent of Janus' lavender shampoo pleasantly tickled his nose and he closed his eyes, counting the rapid thudding of Remus' heart against his arm. They snuggled together, listening to the music, until the kitchen timer went off, and he and Remus leapt up to check their samples.

Logan released the picture and the memory and knelt on the floor, shuddering with sobs. Tears poured down his face and his lungs were on fire as he tried to suck in enough air to breathe.

The new love he felt when he was with Janus and Remus had all been his before. He’d had it all before. Everything he’d yearned for. Everything he’d denied he wanted, denied he needed… The warmth and safety and love that he’d begun to convince himself could never be his… it had all once been in his grasp. It had all, years ago, simply been a part of his daily life.

And it had all been taken away.

“I—I haven’t always been alone? I th—thought because Logic needed to be objective, isolation was a—a—a natural consequence. I… I used to…” Logan’s throat spasmed and he clutched Patton’s sweater, pulling him closer, crying into his shoulder. “I used to just… belong? With friends? We were…” Patton held him tightly, their tears mixing together .

“I’m so sorry, Lo.” Patton rocked him, pressing love into his embrace. “I thought when you didn’t remember you didn’t… care.” He stroked Logan’s hair, shaking his head. “I couldn’t feel any of this coming from you… I didn’t know, Lo… I didn’t realize how alone you felt. I’m sorry… I’m sorry….”

Patton held him until they both stopped crying.

~~~~~

“I have… many questions.” Logan's voice was rough from crying and it hurt to speak, but he needed answers.

“I figured you might, Kiddo.” Patton sat on the floor, leaning back against the side of his bed, legs spread out in front of him. He held Logan, almost in his lap, letting the Logical Side rest against his chest as he collected himself.

Sighing shakily, Logan sat up straight and turned to sit on his own, legs criss-crossed, facing Patton. The Paternal Side mirrored his position, sitting close enough to let their knees touch.

“Did you ever know my name?” Logan asked simply.

Patton nodded, glancing at the drawing. “When your picture appeared in my room and I touched it…” He nodded again. “I didn’t know at the time, though.” He looked up. “You never told me.” His lip wobbled a bit and he blew out a sharp breath. “You told me your name when it was Logan, and that’s what I put on the drawing. You’d never signed it.”

Logan looked at his hands, the memory of his multi-colored nails still fresh, and he could almost see them that way now. “Did you disapprove of me spending so much time with Janus and Remus?”

“I—I worried… Especially when—when you started to take Remus’ side when the Creativitwins argued.” Patton shook his head. “That was even before….”

“And… Janus… he…” Logan shook his head and closed his eyes. Finally opening them, he looked at Patton again. “He didn’t have scales at all. No heterochromia, his hands were identical…” Logan frowned. “I thought he always had at least a few snake traits.”

Patton paled and looked away. “Well, some of that is, well… it’s what he was trying to protect you from in the Subconscious. But… his scales… Yeah, um… Janus didn’t always have scales.”

“Oh… Oh, right… That’s right,” Logan whispered, narrowing his eyes. He grimaced and rubbed at his head. “It’s so hard to remember. But, yes… Yes! I remember as they were growing. I… I just assumed he had always had some and it was, similar to Remus’ mustache, one more change, one more of our metaphysical responses to Thomas’ growth.” He frowned. “I—I should have asked him about it.”

“Kiddo,” Patton rubbed Logan’s knee. “Janus wouldn’t’ve told you anything about his scales anyway. He… he didn’t like to talk about it. He would just hide in his room, wait out the pain and—”

“Wait, what?” Logan sought out Patton’s eyes. “Pain?”

Patton stared, mouth hanging open. “Oh, no… You—you didn’t know.”

“Janus’ scales hurt him?” The color left Logan's face as he Logan twisted his hands together, shaking his head. “No. No, that can’t be right. I—He—he said it….”

“No, Kiddo, relax…” Patton held both of Logan’s hands, gently untangling them from each other. “He’s okay now… They just… His scales hurt when they… first grow in. Then after that, they’re just sorta sensitive. The gloves helped with that. He didn’t have to be as careful as he was getting used to them… And then, you know, he discovered what the gloves do.”

“I thought he started wearing his gloves so his scales wouldn’t bother you.”

“Oh, Kiddo, no…" Patton shook his head. "He first started wearing the gloves so you wouldn’t figure it out.”

“Figure what out?” Logan didn’t bother to soften the edge in his voice and a tiny part of him was pleased at Patton’s responding shiver.

“Well, he couldn’t hide the scales on his face,” Patton’s voice shook and he spoke slowly and carefully. “But they wouldn’t all happen in one area at a time, so…”

Logan sat up straight. “Pat, I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

“Janus gets a new scale each time he lies to Thomas… Not just his sarcastic sort of thing, or his doublespeak, but… each time he hides memories from him or…”

“Or Sides,” Logan’s voice cracked as the sour weight of Patton’s words settled in the pit of his stomach.

Patton nodded slowly.

“So… The entire time I was here and—” Logan’s breath caught in his chest and he crushed his eyes closed, fighting to count out his breaths like he’d done with Virgil so many times before. “The entire I was meant to be in the Subconscious but was here instead, I was hurting him?”

“It’s not your fault, Kiddo—”

Logan held his head in his hands. How many scales? How many times has Janus been hurt because of me? Sucking in a breath, he jumped to his feet, stumbling blindly for the door. “Lo! Logan!” Patton cried after him, the hollow echo of his voice sounding like he was shouting from the bottom of a well.

New tears burning his eyes, Logan struggled to open the door, but slipped through just before Patton could stop him. He raced out into the hallway, dizzy, a hundred lies, a hundred voices, a hundred hurts buffeting him.

"Get out." "Please, Lo, please let me apologize… You're the last one I would ever want to hurt…" "I said get out of my room, Deceit!" “Of coursse, I have no dessire to sstay where I'm not wanted." "Do not presume you can simply lie to me, Deceit." “You need not be consscerned over my ssafety, dear Logan." “I don’t feel anything,” “Oh, of courssse you don’t.” “Of coursse there are sssimpler aspectsss beyond the Sides we know, Logan.” “Pleasse, Lo, don’t asssk thiss. There are thingsss that—” “You are still lying to me… I believed that you… I thought that things were finally different for us…"

Lenses dotted with tears, Logan felt along the walls for the handle to his door. His panic attack sent shivers all over his body and all he could think to do was to climb into bed and under the covers until he could gather his thoughts and figure out what could do. Figure out how to apologize for all the pain he'd caused.

His throat seized again, a cold chill running down his spine when he realized he hadn’t even gotten to ask Patton about Remus. In what horrible ways had he hurt and betrayed Remus, as well? You needed Roman to remind you that he’d been literally imprisoned, for starters. Another sob escaped his throat and he slammed one hand over his mouth, fighting to stay quiet, just long enough to get inside his room. Shuddering, he finally forced his numb fingers to properly grasp the knob and opened the door, slipping inside.

As soon as he entered his room, he fell to the floor, landing hard on his hands and knees. He stayed there for a moment, fighting to catch his breath and still the tremor in his muscles. He shook so hard he could barely move. Logan counted to himself, in for four, hold for seven, release for eight. He crawled along the cold floor toward his bed, reaching for the covers and trying to drag himself up.

But his fingers couldn’t maintain a grip on the blankets and he collapsed in a heap on the floor. He lay there, curled on his side, staring out at his bookcases.

They were all wrong. All of his books were in the wrong places. And so many were missing, replaced by other titles or shelves entirely filled with devices and… He yanked off his glasses and attempted to polish away the tears obscuring his vision, but his hands shook and he dropped the frames. He patted the carpet around him, futilely searching for them. His eyes trailed over the room, squinting at the wall above his desk. Instead of his large, color-coded calendar, a giant world map was stretched across the wall over his cluttered desk.

Over Lucas’ cluttered desk.

Logan’s eyes widened, the panic-driven whine in his ears ratcheting up. He’d somehow ended up in Lucas’ room. He fought to get to his feet, but he had lost all sensation in his arms and legs below the elbows and knees, the muscles gone floppy. As soon as he’d get a foothold, his ankle would turn and he’d crash to the floor again. Logan tried to cry for help but his voice was frozen, his breath coming out in silent, foggy puffs.

He tried again to crawl on his belly toward the door, but his limbs had grown heavy, sinking into the floor. He felt stuck to the carpet. He was horribly cold. Only a few inches away hung the edge of Lucas’ heavy blanket. If he could lift his hand just a bit, he could tug it down and give himself a little comfort while he waited for someone to find him. But all he could do was stare at the blanket and soon, his eyelids drooped down and it was too much effort to open them again.

Logan lay on the floor in Lucas’ room, shivering. At least his panting had stopped. He was vaguely aware that he was still breathing, the tiny bit of heat from his exhalations briefly thawing his upper lip until the room leeched that warmth from him as well. Over the whine in his ears, he thought perhaps he heard the door slamming open, perhaps even the thrum of footsteps but it might have just been his heart slowly beating. Do we have hearts? We can bleed… we can breathe… we must have a respiratory system or at least a perfunctory one with as much detail as Thomas—as I?—remembers from biology classes. What if I forgot what a heart was? Would our hearts all stop beating? Perhaps that is what’s happening to mine. It is a curious sensation.

His eyes shot open when burning hot hands gripped both of his arms, lifting him up, strong arms wrapping around his waist from either side. He could hear terrifying—or were they terrified? How can you tell the difference, anyway? It’s all fear—terrified voices over the screeching in his ears, and in his head and he fought to focus. Logan could just barely make out a blur of blue and grey and black and orange before they crossed the threshold out of Lucas’ room and he stumbled on the familiar runner in the Mindscape hallway.

“He should be better now that he’s out of there,” a low, familiar voice rumbled next to his ear.

Patton’s worried tones flitted from his other side. “I thought he knew not to go in your room. He was there when we all lost it in Virgil’s room. Yours would be even worse for him.”

“What!? You all—” Lucas interrupted his own question. “Nevermind. Here, help him sit…”

“I am… fine…” Logan muttered, pulling away from them, sensation returning to his limbs and the high-pitched whine finally fully dissipating. He tried to take a breath and his throat seized in a sob and he sank to the floor, covering his face with his hands, trying to muffle his cries, “I’m fine, I’m fine… just go…”

“Not happening, Lo,” Lucas said quietly. He crouched down in front of Logan, then looked up at Patton. “Would you get Janus, please? I last saw him with Virgil downstairs.”

Patton stared off into space for a moment, then shook his head. “He’s with Thomas. I can find Virgil?”

“No! No… Why don’t you go keep Virgil company?” He looked pointedly at Logan. “Downstairs.” Patton nodded and headed down to the common room.

Lucas turned to face Logan, who now had both hands pressed against his mouth, shaking his head and rocking back and forth. “Lo? Lo, you’re not alone.” He wrapped his hands around Logan’s forearms, his skin feeling cold even through the Logical Side’s long sleeves.

“Can you look at me, Logan?” Lucas asked. Logan squinted up at him. “Oh, your glasses! I’ll be right back… just… just stay here.” Lucas ran to his room and found Logan’s glasses just under his bed. He rushed back to the hallway, and he heaved a low sigh when he saw Logan was right where he’d left him.

“Here, Lo, put these on…” He carefully tucked Logan’s frames into place and Logan blinked up at him.

“I understand why now…” He shook his head, sucking in wheezing, shuddering breaths. “I never should’ve…” Logan closed his eyes again, shaking his head and rocking so hard, he was starting to bang his head against the wall.

“Lo, no, don’t hurt yourself,” Lucas knelt next to him, putting his arm over his brother’s shoulders. “Just breathe, Lo. That’s all you need to do right now.”

Logan looked up at Lucas, tears still flowing, but his gaze finally focused. “Make me forget. Please… Just take it away. You did it before, Lucas, you can do it again. I know you can.”

He grabbed Lucas’ hands, pressing them into his face, trying different placements. He started openly sobbing again, and Lucas pulled him closer, gently cupping his cheeks. Logan stared up into his warm, amber eyes. “I hurt him, Lucas. Each of his scales are from hiding me from myself. Concealing the knowledge from the keeper of Thomas’ own memories cut into his skin and—and… please, Lucas, please… I love him and I hurt him… I hurt them both and I—”

Lucas leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against Logan’s forehead. Logan sighed, gripping Lucas’ hands on either side of his face. After a moment, he looked up, shaking his head. “It didn’t work.”

“Yes, it did.” Lucas brushed away the tear-and-sweat dampened hair from his face and smiled. “Logan, you are loved. You are cherished. I’m not going to take away any part of you ever again.”

“But how do I… How can I look him in the eyes and ever tell him how sorry I am? How do I apologize to Remus for forgetting him? How do I ever apologize for something like that?”

“You never have to,” Janus’ low voice drew the brothers’ attention. He knelt down in front of them. “You didn’t hurt me, Lo. It wasn’t a choice you were making. No more than it was Lucas’ choice to take away your memories.” He opened his arms and Logan fell into them, clinging to his capelet and sobbing. “We were all doing the best we could.” Lucas hugged them both, then, nodding at Janus, stood and joined Patton and Virgil downstairs.

Janus wrapped his arms tighter around Logan’s shoulders and back, returning some of the warmth he'd lost in Lucas' room. After a several minutes, Logan’s sobs began to quiet. He breathed in his soft vanilla and spice scent, reminding him of again of chai. Janus kissed his temple, then his cheekbone. “May I bring you to your room, Lo?” he murmured against his ear. “You must be exhausted.”

Logan started to shake his head, to deny his feelings, but a fresh heaviness came over him and he melted against Janus’ chest. He nodded, letting Janus help him to his feet and walk with him to his room across the hall.

A steadying arm drawn around his waist, Janus led Logan to his bed. He sat on the edge and breathed in deeply, feeling a bit of life come back to him. Janus knelt in front of him, drying his tears with his gloved hands, then carefully peeling off the soft yellow cotton. He brushed his bare thumbs against Logan’s cheeks, smiling up at the Logical Side. “Would you like to talk? Or lie down? Or…?”

He closed his eyes and leaned into Janus’ hands. “Can we do both?” he whispered. "Please."

“Certainly,” Janus murmured, a hint of surprise in his smile. He stood and removed his capelet and hat, setting them and his gloves on the chair by the chess set. He helped Logan remove his shoes, toeing off his own and lining up each by the side of the bed. When Logan stood, together they pulled back the covers and slipped underneath. Janus opened his arms and Logan settled against his chest with a shaky sigh.

They lay quietly together for a long time, Janus gently combing his fingers through Logan’s hair, while Logan traced the near-invisible weave of Janus’ shirt. After a while, Logan’s hand stilled, palm flat against Janus’ heart. Janus had begun to think the Logical Side had drifted off to sleep when he spoke.

“I should have asked you about your scales instead of making easy assumptions.”

“Oh, Lo,” Janus bent and kissed the top of Logan’s head. “I wouldn’t have told you the truth even if you had asked.”

He hummed against Janus’ chest. “That’s what Patton said.”

“In a lot of ways, Patton knows me well.”

“So it’s true… how they form?” Logan’s voice was barely a whisper. He craned his neck to look up into Janus’ eyes.

He brushed his thumb over Logan’s furrowed brow. “Concealing knowledge and memories from the keeper of Thomas's knowledge and memories created a cognitive dissonance that needed to be… resolved.” Janus gestured toward the scales on his face with a small flourish.

Logan carefully cradled his left hand. “Patton… Patton also told me… that they hurt when they form.”

Janus' jaw trembled and he looked away. "There are consequences for defying logic."

“Do they still hurt?” Logan’s breath caught in his throat, fearing the answer.

Janus turned and cupped his cheek. “No. No, Lo, they do not.” Nodding slowly, Logan watched Janus’ expression and gently stroked his scaled cheek. Janus gasped and closed his eyes.

"Is this alright?"

Janus smiled, meeting his eyes. "Yes." He drew Logan closer, whispering against his lips. “More than alright, my dear Logan.”

Their kiss began softly, each tentative with the other, even more so than their first kiss last night. Logan briefly wondered if last night truly had been their first kiss, but he pushed the thought away, sliding his body over Janus’, leaning in and opening his mouth to taste his tongue. The gentle heat from Janus' mouth set fire to Logan's skin and traveled through every nerve in his body, down to his toes and through his fingertips. He let himself sink into their embrace. After a while, their lips grew salty and he realized they were both crying.

Logan rolled to his side and pressed his forehead to Janus'. “I love you,” he whispered.

"I love you, too, Lo." Janus wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer. He buried his face in the crook of Logan's neck. "You don't know how good it feels to finally be able to say that to you." His lips trembled against his skin before adding quietly, "Again."

Logan swallowed against the lump in his throat and pulled back, searching Janus' eyes. "Then no more lies. Please… Not between us." Janus' eyebrows knit together and he started to speak. Logan brushed his fingers against his lips. "We'll figure it out together if something happens. But you don't need to carry this burden alone anymore."

“It is literally my job to protect you.”

He smiled and cupped Janus’ human cheek. “Let us protect each other now. Starting with the three of us?”

A slow smile grew on Janus’ face and he nodded. “I would like that.”

“Good. I'm uncertain Remus and I would actually give you a choice in the matter,” Logan murmured with a tiny smirk and pulled Janus close, swallowing his responding chuckle with another kiss.

~~~~~

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[problematic-camren]

1 *HELIOPHILIA SPOILERS*Why me first?? lol its gonna have to be in sections cause its not gonna fit in one ask. Ima number them lmao. Heres the thing, I'm a mixture of a cold realist/hopeless romantic. I can really appreciate it because its beautifully realistic. Irl happy endings are unlikely to occur. Its an unconventional happy ending in its own way, because the characters both have an exclusive mutual understanding of their time, love, and paths. A painful understanding of the final resolve.

(Cont.)

“2 *HELIOPHILIA SPOILER* Also, I like that in her first sight of her she was coming out a bookshop, carrying a book.. when in the beginning Camila taught her how to read. I love when things are full-circle omg. And for me its symbolic of different chapters in life (oops pun lol) as in, the then and now. I enjoy that it shows clarity in that they’ve found ways to move on, C with child and L with partner, to make the “now” worth while.

3 *HELIOPHILIA SPOILER 😩* Part of my reflection is this, love and the ability to hold onto it is a fleeting thing, but memories and moments are not. This fic made me so reflective afterwards lol, I felt quite sad, empty and even nostalgic. I love stories that can make me feel the pain they’re trying to convey, and almost feel it physically. But I love it. Enough of my emo ass, now you go please, cause I’d much rather see what you have to say lol”

————-

Okay first of all, I know I should have re-read the epilogue so I’ll know what I’m talking about. But I don’t want to lol. That shit made me cry, and I rarely cry. I only cried reading that fic and YMMS.

Anyway, I’m all for that kind of ending, in fact I’m used to it because it’s quite a usual trope in literature, (although it’s rare in Camren fics, and I would prefer endgame here coz I read Camren fics to escape, not to cry my ass out lol).

And you may have noticed (in my fics and how I answer asks) that I too am a bit cynical when it comes to love and happiness (fleeting, unstable).

BUT, here’s my tiny issue with regards to the ending (otherwise, it would have been a beautiful epilogue for me)…

Camila spent ten years (idk, a lot of years) pining over Lauren. Lost in her own memories and nostalgia, so much that her marriage crumbled, her husband felt that Camila really wasn’t 100% there… The nostalgia and memories of an old flame prevented Camila from FULLY moving on and living her life, her heart not being able to fully open to another person other than Lauren. In fact, her only joy was her kid. Other than that, she spent years feeling incomplete.

Sure, she was able to function properly. She lived her life as expected of her. But like I said, there has always been a Lauren-shadow looming over her, reminding her of her happiest romantic moments, and paralyzing her with her questions of what-ifs.

So fast forward to that bookstore scene. She sees Lauren with a book and with a guy which she was looking at the same intensity and love as Lauren did to Camila before. So it means Lauren has fully moved on. She’s happy. Because one could not look at another person the same way as your great love if one hasn’t fully moved on. And the fact that she has a book, is a symbol of Lauren carrying all the good parts of her relationship with Camila (her teaching her to read) which has turned her into a better person.

So Lauren is happy, she reads, she loves her boyfriend the same way (maybe even more) she loved Camila. It’s a perfect ending for her.

But Camila, other than her kid who’s her pride and joy, hasn’t fully moved on. Because if she did, she wouldn’t have spent her conscious moments scanning for that green eyes in the crowd, out of habit, reliving her memories, and wondering how her life would have been if she found Lauren in those ten years (I’m still not sure how many years it was really lol).

And then the moment when their eyes briefly meet. This scene hurts me the most. Their eyes meet, they recognize each other, they smile, and went on their separate ways.

I mean, for real!??? It wasn’t just a fling. It was literally a life and death love story. Camila taught her how to read which Lauren has carried on her life, and Lauren also saved Camila in more ways than one. The leAst they could do is have coffee and catch up. They don’t even have to get back together or rekindle their romance. Just one quick hi hello let’s have coffee. I mean, I have shown more excitement over a simple school acquaintance than that 😫

And after that, Camila moves on as well, basically accepting that Lauren is now happy and has moved on. So it’s like something in her has lifted and she feels lighter and shit.

So basically, all ends well. They’ve become two happy adults who used to love each other in another period of their lives. Life goes on. Love comes and go, it’s reality. And it’s the memories that shapes us as individuals. I get it.

But it felt a little like a cop out ending (not overly nitpicking the author’s ending, this is more like how I felt. Because I do get the sentiment behind the epilogue, and as I’ve said, I have no problems with those kinds of endings) – the reason I said that it feels like a cop out, is because Camila spent her ten years not FULLY MOVED ON. And just like that, one eye contact, one smile, everything’s okay? Okay so maybe I get that it’s what she needed – CLOSURE. But the realistic thing or reaction for me was for them (or at least one of them) having a tiny desire to AT LEAST want to say hi. Maybe an hour of catching up, or that usual vague promise of keeping in touch (I mean is the government still keeping them apart?)

It felt like Camila was half-living those years wondering about Lauren, and sure, she finally got her closure once she saw Lauren, but it just felt too sad for me (sad for Camila).

That kind of connection and memories deserved more than a brief eye contact and a smile. It's not like they have amicably separated or fell out of love before. No, they were torn apart. That is a situation that's different than agreeing to go their separate ways. That's what made it harder for Camila to move on, because Lauren was yanked away from her. It wasn't voluntary..

I had an ex and I saw him at the mall maybe 8 years after, and it was like a half second eye contact and half a smile, and that’s it. Our tables were next to each other. It’s like nothing happened on my part, tho I’ve seen him trying to get my attention several times. My point is, I get that the epilogue feels realistic as well, because in reality, love is one of the most unstable feelings in this world. One moment you’re willing to die for that person, willing to sacrifice everything to be with that person, but then next thing you know you don’t feel anything anymore. That person simply becomes a shadow of your past.

So yeah I get it. But like I said, Camila and Lauren has bigger impact to their growth, I wanted a little more. I felt that Camila deserved more. Fuck, I deserved more after wading through the lack of indentation. 😭😫 (lol I’m just kidding, that story is one of my favorites.)

[metalcorebarbie]

Hiii, I was wondering what some things are that you want to "achieve" or do, bucketlist kind of stuff or otherwise? And what are three things you love about where you live now? Two books and/or songs that mean something to you? And one thing that makes you feel content in/about yourself? (also hey I hope you're doing well 💕 I'm very anon)

Hello there anon who is very anonymous, I hope you’re doing well too!!

Things I want to achieve? Hmm I guess I just want to become content with myself? That I don’t have to fake being confident but that one day I look into mirror and I’ll realize that I 100% know my worth and have faith in myself and trust my abilities and that I’m comfortable with the way I look. I don’t really have an actual bucketlist but I want to travel as much as I can! I really want to visit New York and Tokyo but I also want to say that I’ve visited every European country and I want to go on a some kind of roadtrip type of thing but I’m not actually sure I’d enjoy that in reality, I think I just like the idea in theory. I feel like I’m too high maintenance for that haha. If I can’t sleep in real beds and have a shower every morning I can’t do it. Also not to sound lame but I hope I’ll fall in love one day.

Three things I love about where I live now? I was actually just thinking today that this is a fucking ghost town jasdhsjkj but I do love that it’s easy to get everywhere, that it doesn’t take long to drive the distances and we have all the basic stuff that you need so living your every day life is super easy and comfortable here. I love that my parents and my grandma live near me so I have a good support system here. I love that it’s safe here and I don’t have to be scared when I go outside in the evenings. I love all the memories since this is the town I grew up in so no matter how terrible this place can sometimes be it’s also home. I love that it’s easy to get out of here hajshdnsmdjhf.

Two books or songs that mean something to you? I’m... terrible with books, I haven’t read a book in a long time (yes yes I know) so I’m gonna do songs. I have lots of songs that mean a lot to me, I don’t really know what to choose so let’s go with something random. Wake Me Up by Avicii is a song that will always remind me of summer, dancing with friends and feeling free but like there’s still that weird bittersweet feeling there in the background too, like feeling nostalgic about a moment even when you’re still living in it. Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons is also something that always makes me think of friends because I remember listening to it while I was sitting by the lake with my best friends during one summer afternoon some years ago. We had no obligations, nowhere to be and it was warm and I just felt very content in that moment.

One thing that makes me feel content in/about myself? Well this is a bit hard question for me. Like I answered in the first question I don’t think I feel that content in/about myself yet (although I’m doing better self-esteem wise than I used to). I don’t know if this really answers the question but something that makes me feel better about myself is putting on an outfit that makes me feel comfortable and putting on some dark lipstick but I feel like that’s more like an armor and a temporary fix (thanks 1D) than something that actually makes me feel content in myself, you know? Something that I also try to do is to reflect back on all the things that I’ve done and achieved, I kind of list them in my head, try to remember that I’m smarter and more important than what my brain tries to tell me and that I’ve done my best and that I’ve always tried to learn from my mistakes and grow to be a better person. It’s so easy to downplay yourself at a low moment so I try to remind myself that I’m doing quite well and if I feel otherwise it’s just a lie that my brain has come up with.

THESE GOT REALLY LONG I AM SORRY.