#it actually made me really happy though bc it’s like The Bisexual Fear of being perceived as straight so i’m glad they were Aware

[mdemn]

i walk into a coffee shop and order an iced chai and i know the barista clocked me as queer immediately because they said “and will that be with oak milk?” i’m SICK

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #63: 7 years on T & hysto retrospective

Hi everyone!! The title says it all. I wanted to include all of my phallo consults in this as well, but a few items are last-minute up in the air, so I'll write a separate post for the phallo consults omnibus.

As always, please don't reblog or screenshot and repost. Links are fine. Writing transition updates over the years has been really good for me and I always hope someone finds them helpful. But at the same time, the larger public is awful about bottom surgeries and I'd rather not subject myself to that ire.

This post has a general content warning for discussions of sex, genitals, body image and body/gender dysphoria.

7 years on T

I stopped doing annual T updates a while ago, because after the first 2-3 years most of the bodily changes are basically the same bodily changes cis men go through as they age. This year I made a point to celebrate 7 years, because that's an absolutely wild number, and I think it's important to acknowledge my T anniversary when it comes around. Testosterone has fundamentally changed my life. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here without it. I'm so grateful to be in a place mentally, physically, financially, and temporally that I can continue to access it.

I started taking Finasteride this year bc my hairline is getting a little thin. This is, again, more a factor of being in my later 20s than anything else. I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did. It was one of the first times I experienced and male body image issue that had nothing to do with being trans. Normally, I'm so grateful to live as a man that most male body image issues don't affect me. I don't care that I'm short or a little round or I have wider hips. I'm so grateful to pass and live full-time as a man that it doesn't register. This one was different, and I'm not quite sure why, but I'm going to try and not obsess over it.

Off and on the last four years, but seriously the last two years, I started working out and lifting. At first, I mostly ran, especially during the height of the lockdown when it was the only safe way to work out. I love running but I always wanted to be strong and see what my body could do. The past two years I've been working with an online trainer and my strength has really improved!! I'm hitting personal bests in the gym and it's stopped feeling like a tedious chore. I'm actually excited to go now. That's an amazing feeling and I'm always really happy when my friends or family call me strong.

Hysto retrospective

It's been 7 months since my hysto back in January. The recovery for that was longer and more difficult than I expected. Being cooped up in the house and feeling really weak and gross, on top of the bottom dysphoria I kept experiencing having to constantly discuss lots of parts I hate having, was really hard on me. I feel like, over the last two months, I've shaken off a lot of the lingering depression from that. All that being said, I've healed very well, and I'm so happy I got my hysto.

One of the worst, dysphoria-inducing nightmares for me was getting pregnant. It was so bad, it prevented me from seriously dating cis men for years. T is not birth control, and even with protection and respectful partners, the fear and anxiety were just too much for me to handle. I knew that once I got my hysto, I'd probably feel more confident dating men, but I didn't realize the extent to which that would be true.

I've felt way more confident to date around and hook up since I got my hysto. I've gone on more dates with cis gay men than I ever have before, and even though they ultimately fizzled out, I have never had that level of dating confidence in my life. It's so, so gender affirming when cis gay men are attracted to me. I always felt like I lost something, being a bisexual man who was too anxious about being trans to participate in any kind of gay male culture in NYC. This is by far the biggest gift my hysto gave me and I'm so happy for it.

[acourtofthought]

I just have to say that I clearly need to read the books again bc I’m missing evidence in the argument that it’s “obvious” Elain/Az have “been building for several books.” They had some moments, sure. However, (correct me if I’m wrong) they didn’t meet in the first book. The second book, and possibly third, they were still individually in love with other people. Elain/Grayson and Az/Mor. Once they were kind of the odd ones out, they seem to come together in a comforting/rebound sort of way. Nesta and Cassian were together or at least arguing lol. Feyre and Rhys were together or at least good friends… so who is left? Elain and Az. That doesn’t mean love or even romance? I also understand that Az is so desperate for a mate & that he kind of would gravitate towards Elain bc he feels like it “makes sense” to have the third sister. That also doesn’t mean love or romance. Idk…. Maybe I’m not seeing it or maybe I just interpreted things differently from the start. Though Elain/Lucien and Gwyn/Az all have some healing and growth to go through… I think they can actually eventually be very healthy couples. And I like them all individually, so I’m hoping for a happy ending for them all. Also, not to be dramatic….but the 3 brothers and 3 sisters thing makes me gag and if that happened, idk if I would recover. 😂

 

Their big moment from ACOMAF is Azriel answering Elain's question about Illyrian's flying.

But.....Elain was only trying to cut through the tension between Cassian, Feyre, and Nesta so she turned to Azriel to ask him the question. And Azriel was only self-conscious because he doesn't like when the attention is on him (which is PROVEN later in the series when Mor and Cassian laugh at a joke he made. This characteristic of Az has NOTHING to do with romance or Elain).

And before that we have, "but Azriel's attention was on my sister, a polite, bland smile on his face."

Ain't no romance like a bland smile romance 😒

That's the thing with E/riel. Everything is "peace and quiet, soft, gentle, bland, polite." And if you have ever read a fantasy book, especially a fantasy book by SJM, THESE ARE NOT GOOD THINGS TO INDICATE AN ENDGAME COUPLE!!!!!!

And in the same novel, we have:

"Mor breezed to my side. She wore a gown of pure white, little more than a slip of silk that showed off her generous curves. Indeed, a glance over her shoulder revealed Azriel staring blatantly at the back view of it, Cassian and the stranger already too deep in conversation to notice what had drawn the spymaster's attention. For a moment, the ravenous hunger on Azriel's face made my stomach tighten."

And.....

"Not the cold, beautiful shadowsinger who tried so hard not to watch her with longing on his face?"

And....

"The issue, actually, wouldn't be me. It'd be him. I could peel off my clothes right in front of him and he wouldn't move an inch. He might have defied and proved those Illyrian pricks wrong at every turn, but it won't matter if Rhys makes him Prince of Velaris - he'll see himself as a bastard-born nobody, and not good enough for anyone. Especially me.

And....

"Azriel's head lifted from where he was sprawled in his own blood, eyes full of rage and pain as he snarled at the king, "Don't you touch her." Mor looked at Azriel - and there was real fear there. Fear - and something else. She didn't stop moving until she again kneeled beside him and pressed a hand to his wound. Azriel hissed - but covered her bloody fingers with his own.

So what's really romantic coding here? Azriel staring with hunger and longing at Mor and never being willing to make a move because he doesn't think he's worthy or Feyre thinking Elain would seek out Az for peace and quiet? One is passion and one is what I'd do with my grandma.

I am almost positive SJM originally planned on Az and Mor ending up together in ACOMAF until she decided she needed more inclusivity in the series and made Mor bisexual in ACOWAR. Which means when she made Elucien mates in ACOMAF, she wasn't remotely thinking about E/riel being a thing.

And then she changed the direction of Mor in ACOWAR which means she needed to created a new storyline for Az and a way that Elain and Lucien needed to avoid one another until it was time for them to accept the bond in their own book. They needed not to fall for one another while she was still mourning the loss of Graysen.

SJM couples do NOT fall in in love with their endgame person while still in love with someone else. She ALWAYS makes sure the reader knows the FMC is over their past love before falling for someone new.

Enter....the E/riel rebound!

Every single moment people think E/riel has in ACOWAR is followed by imagery of why they wouldn't match. It's followed by the fact that he's still hung up on Mor and she's still hung up on Graysen. There is NO love building between them. Then by the end of that book and in ACOFAS, we see Az starting to realize he may never be with Mor and Elain realize she may never get to return to Graysen. So they latched on to the convenient other single person within their orbit that they're "fine" with. That they feel "comfortable" with. Again, not SJM endgame material. And for God's sakes, Elain is in the room on Solstice while Az looks at Mor with yearning! What the hell kind of romance is that?! Elain's obviously chopped liver when Mor's around 🤔

That's why Gwynriel and Elucien's arguments are so strong, because we don't even need to add Lucien or Gwyn to any of this to make it obvious as to what's going on. And that's why Lucien and Gwyn will be endgame because they are separate from the Mor / Az, Elain / Graysen mess. There are no feelings of love involved with Gwynriel or Elucien right now but there is absolutely an overlap between canon evidence of Az being in love with Mor and Elain being in love with Graysen and E/riels saying Elain and Az are in love.

I'm about tired of their "go back and read the book" arguments considering we can refer back to multiple scenes involving multiple characters outside of just the Elucien or Gwynriel ones versus them, who can only recite E/riel moments. I think it's pretty obvious which readers have actually read the book.

[untaintedtea]

oc profile

Tagged by @yennas a few months ago lol thank you! I'm doing it for Ririka bc I thought I did a basic profile thing for her before but never did? and bc the parents thing made me actually think about her mom lol. Tagging @dani-dear​ (hello I am Looking at ur recent character art) @elmha @euxiom @maybeimawhale @yenanng um idek anymore bc I haven't been around much so pls lemme know if you want tags bc I wanna finish a few more this month if possible haha

GENERAL

name: Ririka Shepard alias[es]: none (but yeah Allison Gunn I guess lol) gender: female age: 29-32 birthdate: 11 April 2154 place of birth: Mindoir hometown: some town in Mindoir spoken language[s]: Galactic, whatever's taught in the N7 linguistics program (I assume council race major languages)... old meme so I don't ramble sexual preference: bisexual occupation: Alliance Commander, likely other(s) bc I don't think she can just go back to that soon after ME3. Won't list any tho bc I mostly joke and don't know which would actually happen

APPEARANCE

eye color: dark brown hair color: dark brown, dyed pink. Roots show in ME3 since she stopped maintaining it height: 5'7"/171cm scars: highest renegade scarring everywhere. Prior to this she had a scar on the left side of her mouth, one diagonally across her right cheek, and a slash on her forehead under her bangs so you never see it. She probably has a bunch of regular small/light scars everywhere but they're insignificant. Also stretch marks everywhere if that counts lol

FAVORITE

color: sap green (on the darker end -- like the oil paint from Winsor & Newton/Gamblin) hair color: dyeing her hair pink in ME2 made her happy bc her mom didn't let her dye her hair but I don't think she has a preference really; it's only ever natural or pink song: probably something classic but I don't have wide knowledge of that outside the compositions everyone knows so idek lol food: steak. I actually don't think she cares too much about specifics for once drink: gyokuro, Kenyan Tinderet, and either whiskey/gin idek which she prefers more

HAVE THEY

passed university: no. I think she'd like to go sometime though; she was preparing to go before the Mindoir raid happened had sex: yes had sex in public: I wanna say no but she gets stupid horny so. maybe lmao gotten pregnant: no (she's infertile) kissed a boy: yes kissed a girl: yes gotten tattoos: no gotten piercings: yes been in love: yes (but she won’t admit it lol) stayed up for more than 24 hours: yes

ARE THEY

a virgin: no a cuddler: no a kisser: no scared easily: no jealous easily: no dominant: yes submissive: yes in love: yes (but will deny it) single: no (see above lskdjf. Trolling the news outlets who have the audacity to ask tbh)

RANDOM QUESTIONS

have they harmed themselves: yes thought of suicide: no attempted suicide: no wanted to kill someone: yes have / had a job: yes have any fears: failure, people she loves dying…and probably getting married, which she never wants to do anyway so it's super irrational, but we love an irrational fear

FAMILY

sibling[s]: three older brothers, deceased. The age gap between her and the eldest is pretty big (like ~18-20 years) parent[s]: Kazuhiko Morinaka and Tatyana Shepard (they're married but nobody changed their name), deceased. Ririka has her mom's name just because she said so when asked about the surname on the birth certificate. Tbh I don't think about her mom much since in every other universe she dies when Ririka's born, but I think she's a pretty cool and fun person (basically unlike Ririka, who personality-wise takes more after her dad. Tragic since she doesn't like him much lmao. But she shares many interests with her mom, like cats, chess, flowers, music, etc) children: none significant other: Kaidan Alenko, Miranda Lawson pets: Kalinka II the cat, the space hamster, all the aquarium fish

(PS: I don't think I ever mentioned it on here but I didn’t take the thing about Ririka being unable to have kids from Yen; I’ve had her like twice as long as I’ve known Yen. I took it from Ushio from Shinshi Doumei Cross/Gentleman's Alliance Cross instead LMAO anyway just didn’t want u 2 think otherwise ok bye)

[fanmoose12]

Hello fandom mother, I hope you're doing well on your studies and life and you're healthy and happy!

Recently I found myself feeling.... Weird. This has nothing to do with levihan or snk but I saw you answering similar asks from your other children so I come to you for advice and guidance as well. You don't have to answer ofc I just, kinda needed someone to talk to and I can't really confide to anyone.

Some time ago I came out to my friends as bisexual. Ever since I did though I have been feeling more confused than ever. We are a group of four and against all odds all identify as bi. Two of them I've known for years the other one came out earlier this year.

I was the last to admit it and it was a very liberating moment. My family is conservative in such matters and they passed onto me those beliefs, which when I started questioning my sexuality made me hate myself and deny the possibility of liking women despite what I felt. I always was a very romantic person, thinking marriage and family but on the side I'd note women are way hotter and feeling attraction. I'd even say I'm attracted to women more than men but "not in that way" bc same sex attraction was something I'd been lead to believe is not real, it's wrong and whatever messed up things. For years I'd hide it and insist otherwise first and foremost to myself and think I had succeed in "being straight" but then in a moment of vulnelabirity I confessed to my friends. And that's where it gets confusing bc as soon as I did, it's like I lost this attraction and feeling my minimum attraction to men the only thing there (mostly fictional men or a very certain type of looks) and this is driving me insane! Bc with one of my friends we'd joke call eachother wife and plan our life on the mountains, things that I'd actually love to do with her!

But I'm not feeling a hundred percent in love either or how I remember it's like to be in love. I know I want to try if she wants though... Am I subconsciously still checking myself bc of fear of my family? Am I comphetting or am I a lesbian? A female leaning bisexual? Was it all a mindtrick? Like, there are ways I like women more and ways I like men....?

How do I know for sure?? How do I find out? I've spend years battling mental illness too on top of that so I can't exactly trust me (ocd intrusive thoughts does that to you)

So I guess that's all... I'm sorry for dumping all this to you and ignore it if it makes you upset or uncomfortable! I'm sorry for this and know it was never my intention! Thank you for everything youve done, not only creating enjoyable and heart warming and incredible content but for treating everyone with kindness, I wish I could give you the tightest most grateful hug❤️❤️❤️

hi, hi💞

just a little bit of warning - i'm not the best person to give advice on that thing, i think that maybe i'm still in the middle of figuring myself out, and, perhaps, i have the same problem as you.....

but! this is my personal approach to everything, but don't second guess yourself and don't try too hard to understand? just go with the flow, you know? do what you like? it's my motto at least

like, i'm not saying that labels aren't important, they are! they help people self-identify! they make it easier for the others to understand you!

but in grand scheme of things.... you can be bi but date only men because the chances of finding a partner are more probable. or you can be bi and date only women because it's easier to connect with them. or you can be lesbian? or anything you feel like! sexuality is a spectrum! and it can change because we change as well! at least that's my opinion fjfhtah

just whatever you do, be unapologetically yourself💕 you can figure it out later

[kittylaboo]

HC: Peter Parker didn’t know he was Bi until Harley Keener

So this took a turn I wasn’t expecting, also it’s a lot longer than I was expecting I’m sorry also Idk how to do the cut thing so my bad  

 TW: Mentions of Rape

Okay so Peter Parker is *Straight*

He likes girls, really likes girls

He literally went on a date with Liz (it may have ended with her moving away bc he put her dad in jail but that’s besides the point)

And he may have had a brief crush on MJ 

So Peter Parker is *Straight*

Boys are gross, and trust Peter he knows

He doesn’t ever want to think of men in a sexual matter

He 10/10 supports anyone who comes out to him 

But anytime he thinks about how boys could possibly be into him, his brain immediately goes to Skip Wescott 

And how Peter was 9 when it started and that he never wants to be in a position like that again

It was horrible and scary, and Peter Parker likes women and only women, and he will never be anyone’s Skip. And he will never put himself in a position where there can be another Skip.

So Peter Parker thinks men suck. 

(Obviously beside Ned and Mr Stark, they’re cool, but Peter has known Ned forever and Mr Stark is literally a super hero, and Peter only became such a huge fan of Iron Man and Tony Stark because of what happened)

His therapist tells him it was his way of coping with what happened 

Then one day Happy picks Peter up at school on an non-lab day because Mr. Stark has someone that he wants Peter to meet

Peter really hopes its the Black Widow (because they’re both spider themed heroes !! how cool !!!)

Peter meets Mr Stark and this mystery person in the living room

Mr Stark introduces Peter Parker to Harley Keener

Harley Keener looks hot good, hes tall and wears a leather jacket and cowboy boots with skinny jeans. He looks so out of place, but he doesn’t look bothered by it either

Peters heart skips a beat, but Peter chalks it up to be anxiety 

“Hey there Peter, I’m Harley”

Oh my god he has an accent, an actual southern accent

And doesn’t that just make Peters heart race 

“Tony here tells me you’re a real Einstein” He laughed

Harley laughed. Peter is not laughing

Peter hears his blood rushing, and feels himself go cold. His spidey-sense is just going off

Peter looks to Mr Stark whose smile falters at the look of pure-fear on Peters face

Mr Stark doesn’t know. Peter never told him. Any files about what happened never include Peters name, or any family members name, so Mr Stark wouldn’t have stumbled on it, unless he went into Peter’s Therapists notes, which he hasn’t because he may be nosy but he isn’t invasive 

Peter knows what this is, he knows he’s going into a panic attack. He was triggered and he needs to get out. Out out out before anything can happen

“So-sorry, I’ve gotta, I gotta go, something came up wi-with May. It was um, it was nice meeting you Harley.”

Peter left, and made it back home, though he doesn’t remember how he made it from Manhattan to Queens and into his apartment.

He’s home and it’s not the safest place, can’t go into his bedroom but it’s better than there

Tony beat him to the apartment (without Harley), already sitting with May when Peter walks in

May is quick to give Peter his favourite over-sized sweater (it makes him feel safe) sitting him down in the living room, putting a knit blanket over him, and giving a bottle of water. 

“Pete, you okay kid?” Mr Stark asks 

And Peter is fine, he always has been, so he nods 

“Do you want to talk about why you were triggered into a panic attack” His voice is soft as he speaks to Peter, like Peter would break

May sits next to Peter, pulling him into her 

“Adrian Toomes was not the first person Spider-Man sent to jail” Peter started the story like this because it was easier to tell it, his therapist may not be happy with it but she’ll be happy he’s making progress by telling some

“Spider-Man was 11 when he sent his first person to jail. It was a year long trial, one kid versus one 18 year old. He used to call Spider-Man, Einstein”

Peter seemed to be done with his explanation after this, deeming it enough information for Tony to understand what happened

It wasn’t 

But May sending a text that said “Search Skip Wescott” gave Tony the opportunity to find out what happened later 

(Tony is really pissed when he reads what happens, and makes sure Skip get transferred to worst prison and that he can never leave)

“Okay, Pete, I’ll talk to Harley about not calling you that. But Harley will be going to the same school as you, okay? That’s why I wanted you two to meet.”

After that first night Peter goes back to being his usual chipper self

And Harley starts at Midtown 

Peter was just rounding the corner outside of the school to see Harley getting dropped off by Happy

After a moment of hesitation Peter went up to Harley and offered to help him on his first day (because Peter will not let his overwhelming fear take over and he will be friendly for the sake of Mr Stark and that is all)

Despite Peter’s uneasiness and distrust Peter and Harley get on like a house on fire

Peter started to feel really close to Harley, and Harley would often throw his arm around Peter’s shoulder and call him things like sugar, or sweet thing or darling

And Peter liked that a lot, except he didn’t because it was weird (but he really did)

And Peter would always go tomato red whenever Harley was around

Even Ned and MJ recognized the crush Peter had on Harley and vice versa

“Dude when are you going to make a move on him?”

“What the fuck, Ned? I’m straight, Harley and I are friends”

“Peter are you being serious right now? You both obviously have a crush on each other. Harley knows you like him too.”

“The fuck MJ, I expected you to be more understanding about this. We are friends. Maybe I come off as gay to you because I choose to respect people and am not the exact definition of a ‘toxic male,’ but I don’t fucking like you guy assuming that I like men. Men ain’t shit and I’m not going to find myself in another situation like I used too. I like women”

“What’s your issue Peter? You homophobic now? Didn’t peg you as that.”

“Fuck MJ, this isn’t your business. I’m an ally, people love who they love, but I don’t like men, and you need to stop pushing that on me. I have my reasons, you have yours.”

“Peter, the way you’re going off on MJ isn’t really helping your point much-”

“Would the two of you just shut up about this. I don’t like other guys. Women are it for me. I will not be stuck under another man. Fuck, I’m straight and you need to stop pushing the idea that I’m into Harley just because you want me to live out your little fantasies of what my life should be like.”

Peter didn’t talk to them the rest of the day. Not because he was angry but because he was embarrassed that he said too much 

At the tower Peter and Harley were cuddled together sitting next to each other watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and talking

Peter really loved Harley’s Blue eyes

And his accent

And his face

And Harley in general

But totally only in a friends way

They’re bros

“I want to try something real quick, you can tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am” 

And then Harley kisses Peter

Harley Kisses him

And Peter freaks out

Without even thinking about it, Peter pushes Harley off of him and bolts, leaving the tower without his phone, shoes or bag, Peter just leaves

Once Peter gets outside he throws up, before his anxiety takes over again and he just runs and runs and runs

Harley is left now sitting on the ground, tears in his eyes, confused and hurt about what just happened

Tony makes it to Harley in record time thanks to Friday, and without a question Harley explains what happened

“I thought he liked me too, Tony, I really did. I don’t know how I messed up this bad.”

“I’m sorry Harls, Peter has been hurt a lot and I just don’t think he was ready yet emotionally for a relationship.”

Tony knows that Peter has probably just been triggered. He’s only heard Peter talk about girls romantically, never boys, but he was sure that Peter and Harley were going to be together at some point

Once Harley finally calms down enough and goes to his room Tony calls May

“May, is Peter with you, he left all his stuff here.”

“No, I thought he was staying with you tonight. what happened?”

“Harley kissed Pete, and he freaked out and ran out without any of his stuff, I was hoping he was with you. His phone is here too.”

“I think I know where he is, College Point Park. Ben and I used to take him there after any court date.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

“What about Harley?”

“He’s already asleep, I’ll meet you there.”

Tony and May get there in record time, finding Peter sitting on the rocks facing the East River.

“Peter?” May called out.

Peter turned around, his face clearly red, tears streaming down his face.

“I don’t understand” Peter finally said as May and Tony got close enough

“What don’t you understand?” Tony asked

“Harley kissed me. He kissed me. I expected to hate it. But I didn’t. I liked it when he kissed me. I should hate it though. He’s a boy. I shouldn’t have liked it.”

“Peter it’s okay if you liked Harley Kissing you, and it’s okay if you like him romantically too” May tried to comfort

“But it’s not May, because if I like Harley, and I like him kissing me then that means that I liked it when Skip kissed me. And I didn’t like anything he did to me.”

“Peter, I like when Pepper and I kiss, but that doesn’t mean that if May were to kiss me that I’d like it. Same thing goes for you kiddo.”

“I like girls though. I can’t like Harley.”

“You can like both boys and girls. You could be Bisexual or maybe not. No matter what it’s okay.” May said again.

“I need time. I can’t- I need Dr Rosenburg and I need to not be Spider-Man and I need to not see Harley or Ned or MJ. I need time.”

“Okay baby, you can have as much time as you need.” 

Peter ends up taking a week off of school, with daily appointments with his therapist. He went completely ghost mode. Wasn’t active as Spider-Man, wasn’t active on social media. Didn’t read or respond to anyone’s messages. Only talking to May or Tony and only if they were at the apartment.

After his week off, Peter finally reappeared at school, still having not responded to anyone’s messages, preferring to just deal with things in person.

“Peter oh my god you’re alive we all thought you died.” Ned shouted from down the hall going to greet his friend, MJ and Harley in tow.

“I’m fine guys, I just had some stuff from the past come back up that needed to be dealt with before I did anything that would hurt other people.”

“What are you talking about Parker, you wouldn’t hurt a fly let alone anyone else.” MJ said confused

“I’ll tell you when I’m ready too but I’m not there yet. My therapist thinks I made good progress this week though.”

“Your therapist?” Ned asked.

“Uh yeah, sorry. MJ, Ned, I really messed up with how I treated you guys the other day, regarding my sexuality, turns out I may of been wrong and you guys were right, I just repressed any of those emotions due to trauma. So, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that.”

Ned and MJ obviously forgive Peter bc duh they’re friends

“I would like to talk to Harley privately though, so you guys wouldn’t mind?”

So Peter pulls Harley to the side finally getting the chance to talk to him, and wanted to say his words before he lost his nerves.

“Peter I’m sorry-”

“I liked when you kissed me. That’s why I freaked out. I didn’t think it was possible for me to like that, or men. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I wasn’t prepared and my brain automatically went to a dark place. I like you Harley Keener, but I have problems and I want you to be aware of that before we do anything.”

“Okay.”

“If we are going to try this I need you to be aware of my limits. I have a lot of them apparently, and I’m not sure if more will come up or not, but my therapist said that I should talk to you about this stuff before we do anything. If you still like me, that is.”

“Peter Parker you are too precious, of course I still like you, I don’t plan on not liking you for a while yet.”

And then Peter smiles and he feels relieved, because getting to this point took a lot of work and now he’s here and he likes a boy who likes him back who won’t hurt him

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[normal-thoughts-official]

your “luke and alaric are married af” series made me transcend. they absolutely ARE. when i watched the show i really expected them to be in a canon relationship bc. it just seemed obvious. (me and magnus: you mean you’re NOT married??????) i’m surprised it’s such a small ship tbh. there is so much potential... i would love to hear more from u!!!!! what ideas do u have? first dates? how does maia react (i bet she’s like... duh? you’re my dads)? the story of luke’s epiphany omg???

for real!!! the chemistry and the love between them was so real and palpable and like hello? the way they always were on each other's corner? the Partners to Lovers dynamic?? the obvious mutual respect they had even though they were always butting heads? the way they always seemed to be growing together and not just fighting??? again the CHEMISTRY?? the fun little snippets we had like "it's never too early for teriyaki"?? literally we had so much to build an amazing romance and alaric is such a minor character his actor isn't even an actor he's a stunt double

like they had what 5 scenes and they all had such a great setup for romance or even for them to have been married the whole time??? they certainly had old married couple dynamics. fuck jocelyn i am speaking her out of existence. also i mean open relationships but why would luke even have a relationship with jocelyn when he had an actually good relationship to compare it to?

also the potential of their getting together being tied up to some personal growth from luke as an alpha and a downworlder in general like... most of their conflicts was because a part of luke still felt indebted to shadowhunters and their heritage and he kept putting the wolves last, and it would have been so good to see luke slowly realizing that he doesn't owe them shit and he gets to prioritize his own people and the people who are there for him, and him eventually choosing alaric over jocelyn being tied to choosing himself as he is now to who he used to be as a (terrible) shadowhunter...

not that it's alaric's job to fix luke obviously, but i don't think it would be "fixing" and this definitely wouldn't be a "teaching luke out of racism" story because when luke helped alaric as he became a werewolf he was already somewhat settled into werewolf life. i just think that a part of luke feels like he still owes loyalty to the people who hated him and it could have been a nice parallel to see him letting this go and getting with alaric. especially because alaric never coddled him, so, you know. and i think luke needed that little push in that sense. and alaric meanwhile would also be growing more confident into his role in the pack and in their job and getting the support he obviously still needed, and like, it could have been so good? definitely rocky before they sorted it out, but good. and of course sh had to waste the opportunity without even giving it thought because when don't they

anyway!!! as for your actual questions! first date is honestly so hard for me because i feel like their first date would feel like their billionth date. again i say, THEY ARE MARRIED whether they know it or not. so i can see their first official date going one of two ways: it's very lowkey, nothing they haven't done a thousand times before (like going to a small little family restaurant that they like, eating together, talking, maybe sharing a milkshake and they feel stupid but they're giggling and can't stop smiling and it makes them so happy that who cares) and it's absolutely PERFECT; OR they try to go all out and make it special and ~woo~ each other and it feels a little weird at first but it's still good and they get to enjoy the romantic ambience, hold hands over the table, and they're both a little shy because it feels like such a leap but it feels right

im gonna elaborate a little bit on both because i really love both??? so like they go to this little joint that is not the jade wolf or anything too close because they want to have this moment for tHEMSELVES, away from wherever anyone else from work or the shadow world might see them and from where they would think about it and associate with it. i am thinking... ohh some nice little place near where alaric's grown up? i'm headcanoning him as hondureño since we got no specifics other than his last name being rodriguez and i'm feeling like making him central american

and ALSO a great typical honduran dish is marinated meat and since luke is a beef jerky fan he would be all over that shit. i headcanon that luke knows alaric's family to some extent (i made a very quick reference to that in the second fic of the series) and i really love to think that luke has been to at least a few carneadas with alaric and his family?? which is aaaaaa another whole thing to talk about i might get back to it in a second but the DATE

also i like to think that luke would fall in love with rice and beans/casamiento because that is my rights. so like them going to the restaurant and having some meat (it's not really a carneada outside of the context of a carneada and for a date but like.. maybe pinchos or ye regular steak with urucum? i've had that in central brazil a few times and god i love it to death. or maybe chimol which sounds like something luke would like) with casamiento, tajadas, u know, the regular stuff? and it's lowey intimate because they are sharing the dish and it's something from alaric's culture you know??? god damn it i'm still talking about food. ONTO THE DATE

the point is that it's very casual and intimate but also uplifting and fun because this is a honduran restaurant we are talking about, so there's probably music, noise, alaric knows the family that runs it and possibly luke does too but they still have their space. maybe they get to dance a little bit because please god i am begging you, and luke has never had too many opportunities to dance before but it turns out he is a natural even if a little self conscious. i am picturing them dancing salsa which i kNOW is not an honduran dance but if the restaurant just leaves a Latin Music™ radio on as they usually do in latino restaurants in the US it's not that unlikely that it would play. and with alaric not being actually cuban he wouldn't humiliate luke too much. lmao

anyway most of the time they are just talking and teasing each other and every time luke takes a bite of the food he moans a little bit because he's a sucker for marinated meat and alaric wasn't even the one to cook it but goddamn if he doesn't feel proud of himself. and they share a drink (i guess the milkshake idea doesn't fit as well here but whatever they will get two straws for their iced tea or Tropical if they're feeling silly or agua de ensalada if they're feeling traditional. the point is that the lack of milkshake won't stop them from doing their dumb sappy thing) and are kind of laughing the whole time because it feels so teenage-y but to be fair luke DID just find out he was bisexual and figuring out your sexuality always brings in second puberty in terms of experiences. and alaric is not going to complain because it feels so sweet and right

and then the dancing which is fun and intimate and a little challenging for luke even if they aren't Full On Dancing Salsa, just a few moves here and there together but they get to be close and intimate and maybe alaric does some impromptu spinning and it makes them both laugh and maybe rub their noses together while they laugh and they are being so silly but they don't care

and basically they go home after hours, as you do, holding hands and a little drunk on each other, bumping shoulders on the way, alaric resting his head on luke's shoulder and luke on top of alaric's? and it makes walking a little awkward but god They Don't Care. and it just feels so perfect, like home and family and everything they are to each other :))))

really wanna add an "and then they fuck like rabbits" at the end but anyway i'll try not to ruin it

second date option! full out fanciness. they are already partners, they have seen each other in every possible situation, they know their worse, they know their married ways, but they want to have a ROMANTIC first date! lay thick their new relationship status. woo each other! show each other what amazing caring boyfriends/husbands they are. be adults!

they pick some fancy restaurant that luke may or may not have gotten suggested to him by magnus when he called him in a bit of panic because he is not very well versed in fancy restaurants and the like. maybe magnus even takes that extra step and portals them somewhere extra romantic like venice or whatever but i think they'd want to be independent in terms of going there and back so maybe not. anyway the point is, fancy restaurant! suits! they are a bit more nervous than they usually would because they haven't been in a place like this in waaayyy too long and they've never done anything remotely similar to that together before so it feels like a new territory and they kiinda want to prove something even though that's stupid because they've already chosen each other

but it goes well???? not as natural as the first date idea but that might just be me and thinking that casualness is the most romantic thing, and either way, it still feels so right and good. they get to sip wine, hold hands over the table, say something sweet to each other over entrees, share dessert, bicker over who gets to pay. again the marriedness of it all absolutely slips through but there is that new element that they are getting to explore and that feels so nice

and it's never stilted and forced, even if they are a little nervous, they are still themselves and it goes down smoothly and they are happy that it worked so well because there is always that fear in a best friends to lovers kinda situation that things will just feel weird, especially when you're both adults and have so much history. but it doesn't, it feels romantic and new and exciting and as they leave they tease each other a little bit like "after you, gentleman" and laugh together 🥺🥺🥺

and they have their first kiss as they leave and they both linger a little bit as they just stand under the stars and keep their eyes closed and their hands linked together and i need a moment oh my god

this got too long so i'm separating the answers for the different questions: maia's reaction (link), luke's epiphany (link)

[metalbatandzenko]

All of them. All the questions.

oof

1. Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

I have sliding doors on my closet so it’s one open one closed.

2. Do You Have Freckles?

Nope!

3. Can You Whistle?

Nope (:

4. Last Song You Listened To.

I...don’t remember lmao, I think it was 6 Inch by Beyonce

5. What Is Your Favorite Color?

I don’t know if I have one tbh.

6. Relationship Status.

Currently juggling seven reply guys bc rona has everyone acting out of line, but single.

7. What Is The Temperature Right Now?

46º

8. Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yes sdkjfhdlkf

9. How Many Followers?

215.

10. Zodiac Sign.

Aries/Aries/Cancer.

11. What Is Your Eye Color?

Brown.

12. Take A Vitamin Daily?

No.

13. Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yes, usually it’s Mitski or songs from musicals because you know. Former theater kid.

14. What Books Are You Reading?

The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch.

15. Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

“As in earlier days” from the poem The Walk by Thomas Hardy

16. Favorite Anime?

OPM is the only anime I watch. Being Japanese American and fem aligned means having. Not great associations with anime tbh.

17. Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

I honestly can’t remember the last time I cried in front of someone

WAIT YES I DO

It was November 23rd and my little cousin and I watched Over the Garden Wall. Both of us cried at the end.

18. Do You Collect Anything?

I have a knife collection and an old rock collection from when I was younger. I also unintentionally have a major makeup collection. My lipstick collection is borderline embarrassing. In my defense it started in 7th grade.

19. What Did You Have For Lunch?

I uh. I didn’t have lunch skfjhdsljfh

20. Do You Dance In The Car?

I do!

21. Favorite Animal?

Dude I fucking love crows.

22. Do You Watch The Olympics?

Some of them! My mom was really athletic growing up (as in one of those kids that plays a sport every season in high school), so she watches a lot of them. We tend to watch figure skating (which I know little about but have strong opinions on), gymnastics, synchronized swimming, track, and judo.

23. What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Usually I’m in bed by 11 but I don’t go to sleep until 2am. Recently I’ve been getting to sleep at 7am.

24. Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

It is currently three in the morning so no akslkjsahd

25. Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Ocean. I grew up in Northern California near the coast, and now I’m in a landlocked state. And you can kind of feel it, you know? The air doesn’t smell like salt and redwoods, the mountains aren’t there to hold up the sky so you just feel it pressing down on your chest. I miss the ocean.

26. Favorite Tumblr Blog?

I don’t know if I have a favorite. erikkillmongerdontpullout is funny and insightful, and I love dostoevskydocs’ poetry compilations.

27. Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

I grew up somewhere with access to really good tap water, so I’ll go with that.

28. What Makes You Happy?

Writing, spending time with friends, the feeling of dappled sunlight through the tree canopy.

29. Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

30. Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

With :)

31. Dogs Or Cats?

Dogs but I love cats too!

32. If You Were A Crayon What Color Would You Be?

Moss green!

33. PlayStation Or Xbox.

Xbox.

34. Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Ocean. I don’t trust lakes.

35. Do You Believe In Magic?

I believe in the supernatural, I don’t know if magic’s the right word. It’s more like a belief that there’s something more to the world than what we’re able to perceive. 

36. What Color Shirt Are You Wearing?

Charcoal grey.

37. Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes! I can also make my tongue into a clover.

38. Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

A bit of both. I can be pretty frugal when I’m by myself but I inherited the need to pay for everything for my friends from my mom, so if my friends are around, I will try to muscle my way into paying for everything. This is usually unsuccessful bc my friends are in the same boat.

39. Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Yes. I’ve got a pink water bottle on my bedstand.

40. Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

I mean. OPM lkjshdflkjdh I’ve been hyperfixating on it, but I also am pretty obsessed with OTGW (I have been for years).

41. Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

No but I’ve had a few land on me.

42. Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Depends on the person. Overall, I’d say no, but my friends have significant sway over me.

43. Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Yes.

44. Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

I actually do. But only for short flights. Anything longer than 4 hours makes my body really hurt.

45. Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Moana.

46. Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Sunflower seeds!

47. If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Orville Peck or Carseat Headrest.

48. Are You A Picky Eater?

Nope!

49. Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Yeah.

50. Do You Fear Thunder/Lightning?

No, I actually love them. I sleep best when it’s thundering.

51. Do You Like To Read/Write?

Yes to both. I’m a Creative Writing major so dkljfhljkdf

52. Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yeah! Though not as loud as some people, my ears are sensitive.

53. Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Wrap presents. I’m not a big fan of the smell of pumpkin, and wrapping presents is a tradition for my mom, brother and I. We’d put on some music, drink some hot chocolate, and wrap as many as possible. Then my brother and I would smuggle some wrapping paper to our rooms and wrap our mom’s gift.

54. Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Somebody that I Used to Know-Gotye (listen the song still slaps)

55. What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Winter/Spring transition. It hailed for 15 minutes straight yesterday.

56. What Are You Craving Right Now?

A popeyes 5 piece spicy chicken meal with fries and ranch. Can you tell I’ve thought about this?

57. Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

I don’t wanna.

58. What Is Your Gender?

Nonbinary, but vaguely girl adjacent. 

59. Coffee Or Tea?

I think coffee. I drink more tea, but I also drink exclusively green tea and chai (like the traditional chai made with milk not the chai teabags) and I really am not a black/white/earl grey tea person.

60. Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

OOF Yeah I do

I’ve got a thousand word readers response to “The Other Boat” by E. M. Foster, a one thousand word journal about WWI, a reflective journal check in and a powerpoint I have to make for Sense and Sensibility for Brit Lit and I also am tutoring a few of my classmates

In my biological anthropology class I’ve got a Unit Exam and a few lectures to watch

For my internship/Teachers Assistant position I’ve got 17 10 page rough drafts to read and give in depth comments on as well as a portfolio I have to assemble for next year’s TA bc I’m transferring, phone meetings with the 17 students who wrote those rough drafts, and I’ve gotta compile some resources for my professor

I need to finish my memoir for my independent study and I have to present. my nonfiction memoir. to my classmates. on Zoom. I’m one of two people doing a nonfiction memoir for their independent study the rest are doing fiction, poetry or a literary analysis paper so like. My classmates are gonna be talking about their fiction piece and then I’m gonna be giving a 15 minute reading and Q&A about a piece that focuses on my trauma and being hate crimed so that’s fun.

I also gotta get some stuff done for my school’s lit magazine.

61. What Is Your Sexuality?

A known bisexual™

62. Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

I try to but I forget.

63. Favorite Pokémon?

Togepi, Blissey and Togekiss.

64. Favorite Social Media?

I hate to say it but it’s tumblr.

65. What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

If it’s longer than six stories, I’m not watching it. Unless I know they’re gonna be fun or we’re really close then I will.

66. Do You Get Homesick?

A bit. I’m still really homesick for my hometown tbh because that’s where all my family except for my parents are. I’m really close with my extended family, so being isolated from them feels like there’s an emptiness at my side.

67. Are You A Virgin?

No.

68. What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Redken Frizz Dismiss. I got those big fucking bottles you can get at Ulta where it’s like a gallon of shampoo so I haven’t had to buy any in over a year.

69. If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

I’ve slept in my car before and I will do so again most likely. Also $60 is too much to spend for a motel room.

70. Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Yes. Though I’m much closer to my mom than my dad.

71. Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

Idk shit about movies tbh.

72. Do You Miss Your Ex?

One of them yes, the others no. But the one I miss I also acknowledge is someone who had their place in my life at the time and helped me through some rough shit, but no longer has a place in my life. I appreciate the hell out of him though, and we’re on good terms.

73. What Is Your Favorite Quote Right Now?

I’ve got two!

“I don’t know how to stay tender with this much blood in my mouth” –Ophelia, Hamlet

and

"Suffering feels religious if you do it right." –Chelsea Hodson

74.  What Eye Color Do You Find Sexiest?

Brown. Especially the almost black-brown eyes.

75. Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

Yes to both.

76. What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Chocolate covered pretzels ljhflfsd

77. What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Toon Blast and 2048.

78. Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Holy shit I hate this question. Yes, of course I would. I don’t know why mentioning that the person is homeless is relevant. Homeless people are not somehow less worthy of CPR?? What the fuck.

79. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

...yes

80. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

I’ve briefly skimmed over someone’s page after meeting them but I don’t lurk.

81. Do You Like Meeting New People?

Depends on my mood.

82. Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I hate my hands so this was pushing it.

83. Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed.

84. What Are Three Things You Did Today?

Corrected papers, walked my dog, did some writing.

85. What Do You Wear To Bed?

T-shirt and shorts.

86. List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

Dude I can’t do that I have too many, I’ve been buying makeup for 7 years and I used to work next to a sephora

My makeup routine pre-rona was:

Sephora brand moisturizer

Milk Hydrogrip primer

Fenty Pro Filtr Hydrating Foundation

Maybelline Age Rewind Concealer

Anastasia Brow Definer

Glossier Cloud Paint

Fenty Sunstalkr Bronzer

Fenty Liquid Flyliner

Fenty Flypencil

Fenty Full Frontal Mascara

Fenty Glossbomb

It’s...an expensive routine.

87. Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night to early morning.

88. List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

I answered this one and I don’t want to reanswer it tbh ldkjfhds

89. Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

I genuinely can’t remember any of my dreams right now. I remember a snippet of one where I was in a cave and I looked at the wall and I could see water running down it, reflecting in the torchlight but that’s literally it.

90. Favorite Soda Drink?

I’m a big pomegranate person, so Italian soda’s my go to.

91. What Sounds Are Your Favorite?

The sizzle of meat hitting a hot wok, rain, hail, thunder, the crunch of dry leaves. I also love the sound of Simone de Rochefort’s laugh. It’s so good.

92. Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans.

93. How Do You Look Right Now?

Shitty.

94. Name Something That Relaxes You.

Skyrim ldskjfhd

95. What Tattoo Do You Want?

I really want to get my family’s mon on my ribcage and my mom’s Japanese name somewhere. I don’t know how my pain tolerance is but if I can handle it, I’d want to get at least a partial sleeve.

96. Favorite YouTuber?

Polygon and Watcher.

[wittyy-name]

(Sexuality anon here) So I grew up in a very homophobic environment. I made myself believe I was straight because I knew the alternative was unacceptable. I grew up homophobic as well. About 8 years ago (I'm 30), I finally acknowledged that I was pan. Now, though, I've realized that being in a relationship with a guy (I'm a girl) makes me uncomfortable -- despite spending 20+ years wanting a relationship with a guy. (1/2)

Ya know, when I saw your first message about a advice on your sexuality, I kinda had a feeling it was gonna be something like this. I think I can help.

Okay so, the first thing I want you to understand is that you don’t have to have your life 100% together by 30. You don’t have to understand yourself 100% by 30. You’re not a failure if you don’t. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Life is a constant stage of change and flux. If you’re not changing, if you’re not growing, if you’re not learning, you’re not alive. There are people who learn new things about their gender and sexuality waaaay later in life. There’s no cap on that. You’re not expected to know or understand everything by 30 or any age. Especially given your background. Give yourself a little slack and go easy on yourself, okay? 

Second of all, I want you to know that I’m super fucking proud of you for opening yourself up and learning about yourself. Coming to terms with your sexuality, especially in a home environment and upbringing like that, can be extremely difficult. And you should be proud of yourself for growing so much. 

Okay, on to the rest. Honestly, my dude? Any single one of those things could be true. But you know what else? None of it invalidates your identity. 

Honestly, after being open about my sexuality and gender identity ((I’m gender fluid with a lean towards non-binary and bisexual)), and after being in a relationship with someone who is likewise on the queer scale, I don’t think I could be in a relationship with a straight cis man. And a lot of it does have to do with the heteronormativity and the exhausting toxic masculinity and just the fact that they tend to not understand. Does that mean this is always the case? No. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’d be super wary about being in a relationship with a het cis man for fear of that. 

And maybe you did repress your attraction to girls for so long that you just wanna date them. I think that’s 100% valid and completely normal. It’s something you haven’t allowed yourself to want or have, and now that you’re open about it, you want to explore those experiences and that side of you. You spent 22 years of your life convincing yourself that you couldn’t kiss girls, and now you just wanna kiss a freakin’ girl. 

And then again, maybe you did just spent 22 years of your life convinced that you were attracted to men, and then another 8 holding onto that fact bc it’s familiar. Maybe you’re not actually attracted to them and it’s just an effect of growing up forcing it on yourself and telling yourself “ah yes, this is attraction” when it wasn’t. That happens, too, and it’s also normal. 

But you know what, dude? At the end of the day, none of this invalidates your sexuality. Sexuality and attraction is fluid. It’s a flux. A swing. For most people, being attracted to/liking boys and girls feels different. It’s not always the same. Crushes can vary so much depending on the person, no matter the gender. You can be attracted to guys and not wanna date them, and still be pan/bi. You can be attracted to guys only like 1% of the time, and still be pan/bi. You can go through a phase where no dude catches your attention at all, and still be pan/bi. 

No one else can put a label on your sexuality but you. You can choose what makes you feel the best. And you can change. Maybe it’s just a phase that you don’t wanna be with dudes right now, and that’s fine. Maybe it’s not a phase and down the road you’ll learn that you really only like girls. That’s fine, too. You can change your label at the age of 50, and no one can say shit about it bc it’s your life. 

Attraction is rarely static. It rarely stays the same. It’s fluid, and can go all over the place. You can go through swings and phases of being attracted to A more than B. Or X more than Y. This more than that. Maybe it’ll swing the other way someday. Maybe it won’t. But you know what? You can still be pan, if that’s what makes you happy. If that’s what makes you comfortable. 

If you don’t wanna date guys? That’s fine, man. Don’t get so hung up on the why and the what does this mean. It just means you’re human, and you’re looking for another human who will make you comfortable and happy.

[bitchsexuality]

how did you realise you were bi?

DSFGFGD OK so this is like. objectively really really really embarrassing but embarrassing myself online is what i do best so here it goes:

i spent a lot -and i mean a LOT- of time questioning my sexuality. at some point i was scared of being bi, which luckily is no longer the case because i’m super happy and comfortable with that now! but back then i just tried to convince myself i wasn’t bi for... many reasons which are neither here nor there

anyway, the thing that made something click in my head and had me go “yeah, uh, there’s a higher chance of me being bi than i thought” was a song. believe it or not. god this is so fucking embarrassing sjdlfgnsdfkj

but here’s the thing: this singer has like, the sweetest, softest voice in the world. and... ok, this isn’t just embarrassing but also difficult to explain... i have a thing for voices, kind of? i do NOT mean that h-rnily, i mean that i can very easily get small crushes on people if they sing in a way i like

(which is also funny bc as we all know i have No Feelings but eh)

so basically i start listening to that song over and over and over, kinda melting on the inside every single time, and the bisexual in me just went fucking wild. it went from “oh man i wish a guy with a voice like his would hold me and sing to me like that”,

then it kind became “huh i like men’s voices a lot” then “huh men are terrible but they can... look... Good” then “huh i would... actually... not mind kissing a man if i liked him...”  

at which point i ended up realizing that i had, in fact, had crushes on men in the past. i didn’t immediately think of myself as bi after that though because i still had a lot of shit to work through - namely trying to reconcile my attraction to men as individuals and my overall dislike and fear of men as a group (does that make sense...)

but yeah eventually it started feeling right and i embraced it!! so uh. thank you, [REDACTED SINGER]!

[carrowe]

AMYCUS CARROW is A DEATH EATER in the war, even though HIS official job is as A CURSE BREAKER & HIT MAN the TWENTY SIX year old PUREBLOOD is known to be PATIENT and RESERVED but also VIOLENT and TWO FACED. some might label them as THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE. fc: ryan gosling 

ANTHEMS:

feel it still - portugal the man // devil like me - rainbow kitten surprise // dead man’s arms - bishop briggs // fever pitch - rainbow kitten surprise // devil eyes - hippie sabotage // dark side - bishop briggs.

pinterest board (x)

BACKGROUND / FAMILY:

Amycus Abigor Carrow came crashing into the world screaming for his sister. Born the eldest to the Carrow dynasty, he was expected to eventually mount the role as the heir to the family legacy, but Amycus quickly proved himself to be Quite the Disappointment. 

As a young child, Amycus was soft spoken, easily intimidated and quiet ( main inspiration for baby Amycus: Radu from And I Darken tbh ). Mostly clung to the family’s staff, always crying, always craving closeness. For a while, he was just as angelic as he looked. 

Never saw much of his parents while growing up. His father was a successful businessman who only had kids because he was supposed to ( to carry on the blood line ), and wanted nothing to do with him. Instead, Amycus was left in the care of his grandfather.

His grandfather was FUCKED. An absolutely terrible man. A Death Eater before his time. An actual demon. Can’t say enough bad things about him, ya feel.

Either way, his grandfather was absolutely disgusted by Amycus, who could never fit into the mold that had been created for him. Thought his grandson was a poor excuse for a Carrow and thought he could change that through pain and violence. So, lessons were drilled in using corporal punishment, and the emotional and physical abuse he suffered eventually turned him into something colder and darker. What had once been soft, turned harsh, rough around the edges. A shell of a boy was left behind, not a trace of that sweetness left behind once they were done with him ( but were they ever? ).

Amycus basically became filled with resentment against everyone in his family, with the exception of Alecto. She has always been there, from the day they were born. She was the one to dry his tears, the one to hold his hand, the one to tell him where to hide. The one constant, his safe haven. They come as a matching set, and Amycus would kill ( and definitively has, too lbr ) for her.

Gained a definite rebellious streak pretty early on, which only became more aggressive as he got older. Once he reached his teenage years, he’d do ANYTHING and everything to fuck with his father & grandfather. Kinda stopped caring about the punishment, so used to pain that he stopped fearing it. Almost stopped feeling it.

Definitively grew up in his sister’s shadow, and was always the lesser Carrow.

When he turned fifteen, he moved out and never looked back. Decided to make his own future, and just never spoke to his family (Alecto is always the exception we all know this) again. Because fuck y’all, basically.

SO. His family’s plans had been for him to finish his education at Hogwarts, and then follow in his father’s foot steps and take over the company and the family name. Amycus had different plans though, obviously. 

His family were... so angry with him. But they definitively pretend ( because can’t have Amycus ruining their good reputation, am I right ) that they were the ones to encourage Amycus to find his own path in life and become a curse breaker.

Though, Amycus was never denounced as a Carrow ( because they didn’t wanna air their dirty laundry to the world, ya know ). Most pureblood families have noticed though that Amycus isn’t exactly... close with his family. I mean, at pureblood parties, he literally pretends that he can’t see them. 

AESTHETIC / VIBES:

old gramophones, blood stained mirrors, broken glasses, bleeding fists, standing in silence for hours, chipped teeth, unwavering loyalty, unhealed scars, getting home at the crack of dawn, red wine, eyes too blue to be trusted, long showers, god complexes, the color of dusk, messy hair, blood soaked suits, always cheating death, a rebel just for kicks, dried crimson on dull blades, half smiles, just beating and beating until the world stops, no conscience, half empty wine bottles, impersonal offices, a face that doesn’t quite match his demeanor.

HOGWARTS YEARS:

Was a hat stall between Hufflepuff and Slytherin. 

patience/loyalty/dedication vs self preservation/resourcefulness/dedication mostly.

At Hogwarts, Amycus felt in power for the first time. Ended up becoming the aggressor, finding solace in pain and violence. Found that he was good at inflicting pain, and liked being good at SOMETHING. Had never really felt that before. :/

Eventually got a taste for blood, and started getting into fights with other students, each run in more violent than the next.

STILL, did not end up in detention, because for a while, the teachers couldn’t believe that someone like Amycus ( who was mostly known for being very quiet and looking sweet ) would hurt another student. It would take for him to eventually get caught in the act, until that perception shattered.

Was that kid who used bugs and insects to practice unforgivable curses on. Eventually progressed to torturing students as well.

Excelled in charms, and can do wonders with a wand when he puts his mind to it. Most other grades were pretty shit though. 

AFTER HOGWARTS:

Once he graduated from Hogwarts, he was meant to take his place in the Carrow dynasty ( grandfather somehow STILL believing that he would come to his senses ), but fuck that. So he basically left the country as fast as possible, and became a cursebreaker.

Which just made sense, because he has always been good at inflicting curses, and breaking them isn’t that different. He is very good at what he does.

First few years were spent working in ancient tombs abroad, mostly. That kind of work fit him really well, because he could wear whatever he wanted, didn’t have to talk to people too much, could do his own thing. Was also always someone around to beat up.

After a while, he started missing his sister, and returned home, where he found work at the ministry of magic. Today, he works for the removal of curses, jinxes and hexes office, which is a subdivision for the improper use of magic office. 

Really likes his job? BUT. Also has a #second job.

On the side, he’s sort of a gun ( wand ) for hire, and will kill anyone who needs to be killed, for a price. Gives zero shit about the money though ( but the client needs to be rich, ya feel ).

Most of his clients are members of the sacred 28, who somehow always seem to want SOMEONE dead.

Honestly, I haven’t 100% figured out how he conducts this business because obviously he wants to remain anonymous. He probably has some sort of dramatic way of getting people to give him names that need to die idk. #to be determined

Joined the Death Eaters mostly because of his sister? But their agenda also really fits him, because violence? Bigotry? Death? Sign him tf up.

He isn’t the most invested in the whole pureblood supremacy thing ( but would he ever admit that? that’s a no ), but overall likes Voldemort and what he stands for.

Though he’s also lowkey intimidated by / afraid of Voldemort and is quite pleased with the fact that he doesn’t have to report directly to him.

For the Death Eaters, Amycus mostly works as an information gatherer, which is basically just a euphemism for him being one of their main torturers, who will torture people until they tell him whatever it is the Death Eaters want to know. He usually works together with his sister and they are disturbingly good at what they do.

AS A PERSON:

Cares very little for most people and is so so so selfish.

Lacks most of the finesse of his sister, tbh.

100% neutral evil. Kind of has a moral compass, it just points in the wrong direction at all times? Mostly just does whatever is best for him and Alecto though, and has zero interest in any righteous bullshit.

Does he think that he’s doing the right thing? Nope. He’s well aware that he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A bad dude.  Does he care? Also no.

Might just be the most private person you’ll ever meet? He seldom reveals anything about himself, and when he does, it’s usually not true.

Will also lie about the dumbest and smallest of details.

SO self disciplined. Always in complete control, and it’s very hard to get a genuine reaction / rise out of him. Also so so so patient, and is happy to wait for whatever his current end game is.

Drinks and smokes heavily, but doesn’t personally think that he has a problem.

Mostly just a dumb asshole.

SO COLD.

Thrives off violence and is a total brute tbh.

Never fucking does what anyone tells him to do. 

Someone: pls do this Amycus: *does the exact opposite*

Bisexual !

Pretty good at hiding his death eater ties since he’s… paranoid as FUCK. And also keeps to himself. Always wears a mask. But some people probably suspect… stuff anyways, if they’ve like. Spent longer than two hours with him. Listen if Amycus wasn’t such a fucking asshole he probably could get away with it (/scooby doo villain voice). But then again, others will probably think he’s just cold af.

Looks a lot nicer than he is, which works to his advantage most of the time? Like he just looks like a nerdy, good dude. Is a total demon, but looks like an angel. 

STYLE / FASHION / APPEARANCE :

Wears glasses (x), but somehow manages to fucking break them ALL THE TIME. The only thing keeping them together is magic.

Wears mostly wizard suits for work ( bc he has to :/ ), but will wear those long black robes in his free time. Think a vampire cape, flying in the wind. Ultimate drama. He really is THAT guy.

Will also wear stupid wizard band t-shirts a lot when working.

Keeps his hair short.

Like 70% of his wealth is probably spent on buying new clothes, because he keeps fucking ruining them by getting blood on them? Or just having them ripped to shreds in a fight, that works too.

Looks like he’s wearing the same exact shoes every day but actually has like... 200 different pairs. They all look the same.

Eyes appear either blue or grey, depending on the lighting.

Has some tattoos, and a half sleeve on his right arm, going from his shoulder to his elbow.

CHARACTER INFLUENCES :

caleb haas ( quantico )- the snark. the assholery. the background. the black sheep.

clay haas ( quantico ) - just the right amount of polished. the style. the general aesthetic. the hair.

angelus ( btvs ) - the disregard for human life. the darkness. the occasional brooding. the quips. 

holden ford ( mindhunter ) - the scheming. the hidden ambition. the slyness. the resolution.

lucifer morningstar ( lucifer ) - the smile, the general vibe, the quips, the mannerisms, the darkness.

eric northman ( southern vampire mysteries ) - the confidence. the general dumbness. the stubbornness.

demon dean winchester ( supernatural ) - the occasional charm. the being an actual demon-ness. the blood lust. the bad jokes. the weakness for a pretty face.

wolverine ( x men ) - the violence. the moodiness. the hatred. the occasional gruff demeanor.

takeshi kovac ( altered carbon ) - the violence. the fucked up moral compass. the buried anger. the instinct to fight.

elian ( to kill a kingdom ) - the rebel prince. the angry heir. the sarcasm. the dialogue.

radu ( and i darken ) - amycus as a child. the softness. the sweet face. the loyalty to his sister.

hannibal lecter ( silence of the lambs ) - the calm. the politeness. seems so civilized, so nice. isn’t though.

FAVORITE CHARACTER TROPES :

DISSONANT SERENITY - someone smiling gently in the middle of death and carnage, seeming almost enlightened as they slit throats left and right.

THE BERSERKER - throws himself into battle with such reckless abandon, that it seems like he wants to die. never, ever retreats.

FACE OF AN ANGEL, MIND OF A DEMON - looks nice, is a demon.

DEVIL IN PLAIN SIGHT - obviously up to no good, but few people seem to take notice.

EVEN EVIL HAS LOVED ONES - loves his sister.

BLACK SHEEP - the family screw up, someone who rejects their role in the family.

DARK AND TROUBLED PAST™ - something terrible happened in the past. tragic backstory. yada yada.

EVEN EVIL HAS STANDARDS - or at least his own moral compass.

MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE - turns out evil has quite a lot of money and excellent fashion taste. most of the time.

PRAGMATIC VILLAINY - only does evil things when it serves him or his purposes tbh.

VIOLENCE IS THE ONLY OPTION - must fight.

OPPORTUNISTIC BASTARD - doesn’t really have a plan, totally winging it.

[bartsugsy]

I hope the use of Seal lyrics was intentional Lo (I mean I'm pretty sure it was lol) cos "my power my pleasure my pain" distracted me from the great meta (to be?) post you were making! But back on topic I feel you on all the unresolved shiz, I just don't think the show think anywhere near as deeply into it as us! I do think more effort is put into Robron (and Coira) then other couples which translates into longer story arcs, so there's still hope.. pleasure and pain... lol!

oh, yk i just can’t resist throwing nonsensical song lyrics into things 

the show definitely doesn’t think about this shit as deeply as we do because… well, they’ve got other characters to worry about and we’re all out here like HERE’S 200 WORDS OF META ON THE SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND OF A SCENE WHERE ROBERT AND AARON ARE MAKING OUT 

(i say we but that was me. i did that. I DID IT AND I STAND BY IT)

sometimes i do think though that… even if yes, ok, OK FINE, none of these scenes were made to withstand the level of in-depth scrutiny we put them under and no, i never needed to write a 3000 word essay on the confusing characterisation of rebecca white when she’s clearly, in the crudest terms, more plot device than representative of an understandable human and as such it’s all just sort of futile, but… sometimes, just sometimes, i think the bigger picture ideas aren’t actually necessarily off base

ok and i just got this ask from another anon, so hopefully neither of you mind, but i’m going to put this in here, because this ties in to the point i’m going to attempt to make (that’s really just me validating my inability to be succinct and my love of meta) lmao:

anonymous asked:

but i think - because its a soap - robert and aaron are never going to resolve any of their issues in a satisfying way. because if they were resolved and dealt with then the show wouldn’t be able to use those issues for drama. so i can’t really see their reunion addressing any of the january stuff tbh

on some level, i agree with you. i totally do. on another, broader-picture level, i think that… i think i’ve been surprised by the level of cohesiveness in the storytelling for aaron and robert - like, it’s not the most tightly constucted thing in the world by any means, and this is obviously coming out of me coming from the glee fandom, where we had literally no cohesiveness ever and so i’m probably just over-impressed by even the most marginal attempts to write a meaningfully constructed longer form story, but… but i think, given that it’s a soap and given how much content they need to produce and given the inconsistent treatment of a lot of the characters on the show, aaron and robert’s relationship does get a decent amount of care put into it, on the whole, and sometimes that’s visible in the storytelling - like sometimes, a scene will happen that just sort of… slots a lot of things into place and calls back to meta we’ve been writing the whole time and… idk. like, you really do just need to look at rebecca as a character and compare the writing for her over the past year with the writing for aaron and robert, who have much more consistent traits and motivations.  

i think this is why i like writing meta for this show. because sometimes there’s a pay off, where the show will specifically highlight things we’ve been talking about and examining and make them explicitly canon. it’s super satisfying. the heavy handedness works (for me) for this purpose. it’s like taking our meta and saying to everyone ‘oh hey, that thing you were reading into is exactly what we were going for’. and the general audience will do this as well - everyone will have an opinion on what’s happening beneath the surface of some stuff, it’s just that they might mention it off-hand to someone they’re watching the show with whereas we sit down and spend three hours typing up an argument to support it based entirely on how we’ve interpreted that last three years of canon and then use it to try and convince people to feel the same way lmaoooo. it’s awesome. but those bigger picture ideas that maybe aren’t called out specifically 

like… don’t get me wrong, i don’t believe in the idea that they’re going to call back specifically to the january argument and take a big, in-depth delve into why that specifically happened and why it was some sort of turning point that they ignored in favour of being together and how that ultimately went wrong… i can’t imagine that’s happening lmao, that’s absolutely what our meta is for (which is fine). like… i don’t see them calling back to the specifics in any meaningful way (at most we might get some dialogue parallels bc the show loves those, as we know lmao)

but like… ok, some of this is going to come back to how early on did the show know they were going to break aaron and robert up, in all honesty. we know that iain has been intending to get rid of the whites… probably since the time he started? going by the interviews he was giving at that time? we know rebecca was brought on with some sort of plan in place for her character (to get in between robron lmao). obviously we can sort of… like, chicken or the egg, what came first - lucy announcing she was pregnant and them realising that rob and aaron would have to get married quickly, or iain deciding to go max feeling exploitation and get two weddings out of robron? this is all random extrapolation on events we know, because we can’t pinpoint when it became clear to them that they were going to do a wedding, followed by a big break up, followed by a big reunion and culminating in another, ~~~~real (so to speak)~~ wedding. but at some point, that would have been firmly in their plans. 

the january argument -

ok. ok fuck it let’s meta the january argument even though i literally said i wasn’t going to and that i wanted to wait until they got back together idc i don’t listen to me she doesn’t know what’s up

the reason i love the january argument so much as a turning point within the larger overarching story they’ve been telling is because it works so well as this big flashing harbinger of doom that the boys both ignore - it’s built up specifically from problems they have been having since right before they got engaged 

and look, i wanna write meta about all the arguments they have firstly from the reunion until ssw and then from in between ssw to the january argument, because i think the stuff that takes place when rebecca is in the village is very pointedly building towards what ultimately happens in january

and i think it’s clever because when you watch it for the first time, the fact that aaron is ultimately driven to violence and puts kasim in hospital and then ultimately gets arrested is what you’re left thinking about - it totally draws attention away from the things aaron and robert are saying to one another and the way that their argument(s) echo previous fights they have had around rebecca and aaron not understanding rob’s bisexuality and rob’s tendency to lie and scheme and rob’s defensiveness around his schemes and how much he has changed and is trying to change vs how much aaron needs from him and just… the ways in which they’ve been slowly falling apart. 

(and ok at some point i will write my actual meta where i actually quote the dialogue instead of making vague references to it, although i usually feel like it’s a safe assumption to think that you guys know where i’m sort of pulling these ideas from when i talk about this shit - specifically, stuff i want to talk about includes the things aaron has said about rebecca and robert’s interactions with her, the moment robert talks about his scheme as something that is no longer about andy and absolutely about the money, aaron’s understanding of the robecca kiss, rob talking about how aaron can’t be happy and that he screws things up (which is horrible foreshadowing for kasim), rob yelling about aaron walking away from arguments and not recognising the change rob has made and the way that rob literally brushes his kiss with rebecca under the table, aaron literally saying that he doesn’t like the person he is around robert because of how things have played out with rebecca ec. etc.)

anyway, they just… i’ve fully written about this before, but the kasim stuff acts as a distraction both for robert and aaron - who, before aaron’s arrest, are having a tentative conversation where rob is gently pushing for them to still go to vegas to try and work things out and aaron is absolutely not convinced. after aaron gets arrested and then gets released, the next scene they have is aaron trying to give robert an easy out and robert point blank refusing - over the course of the three episodes, from aaron getting arrested to aaron giving the police a new statement, rob makes multiple references to fighting for their relationship even if aaron doesn’t think it’s a good idea - literally says that he’s not going to stop fighting for them, which is important but also sort of conveniently skims past the point that this argument didn’t occur in a vacuum and at no point have they faced up to what happened to bring them there between the two of them.

when, during the reveal, aaron says that rob was the one who pushed for this, you can sort of see where he’s coming from in a sense. i think aaron’s impending sentencing also made it harder for them to focus on what the real issue was (or rather, made it way easier to ignore, because they were too busy being terrified of losing one another) - but even then, rob decides to throw a surprise wedding because in canon we know that aaron is panicking about leaving robert and losing him completely - which is ultimately what happens, both exactly in the way aaron feared, but also not at all because rob’s motivation to cheat is, as we all know, entirely about aaron (or rather, about both rob’s feelings for aaron and rob’s horrible decision making/tendency towards lashing out impulsively when confronted with things he doesn’t know how to deal with like a normal human and fucking up his and other people’s lives in the process). aaron’s fears that rob would want someone else were unfounded but those fears also sort of led him to underestimate how much of a toll his getting sent to prison would have on robert and so, in the most perverse and unexpected way, his fears about what robert would do given rob’s behaviour up until that point, ended up being spot on.

all this is to make a point that the january argument played a massive role in robert and aaron getting married the first time round and also led them both down a road where they were distracted from what should have been the ultimate sign that things weren’t working and thus didn’t take the opportunity to fix it, rather let things get dangerously and disastrously out of control. i remember a lot of the meta around the time of the jan argument pointing out that things hadn’t been resolved and that they would be resolved at some point - i saw a lot of people talk about an immediate resolution. i think my instinct was that it would take them a little longer - maybe a month max, but that things would be worked out before the wedding. the fact that the wedding wasn’t legal was like this big red herring - it made us all believe that the only reason they’d have a second wedding would be to legalise things. but oh, oh no, no - little did we realise at that point that the whole first wedding was just another distraction (a very beautiful and romantic distraction, but a distraction nonetheless). the first wedding wasn’t a random break from the misery they’d had between that point and ssw, it was a symptom. once again, robert finding a way to push through their issues, to make it more about their love and the fact that they want to be together, and aaron following because that’s what he wanted too - neither of them wanted to deal head on with any of their shit.

uh, taking things right back to my original point of ‘how much of this will we actually see resolved when they get back together’ - i mean, it’s difficult to say? because on the one hand, it depends on what story the show wants to tell with them next and on the other, it depends whether they want to sort of just brush their issues under the carpet and pretend they never happened (worst case lmao). i think, though… i mean, i don’t know, i actually genuinely don’t want to speculate at all on what we’ll ultimately see because down that road leads madness and also an inevitability that we’ll all get it wrong, as we did before with both the jan argument and the purpose of the first wedding, for instance. i think, particularly because it is something i’m looking forward to, i also don’t want to put any expectations on it, really? i’d rather just watch it as open-mindedly as possible. which is also why i want to wait until after i watch it until i really write my meta around this break up, because then i can sort of shape my opinions about what we’ve been shown and where they’ve taken things. i don’t want to try and assume they’ll deal with x or they won’t deal with y or they’ll have them do this or whatever.

having said that!!! that doesn’t stop us from looking at what’s been done so far - the wedding, prison and the ons happened over six months ago now, so we’ve got enough distance from it to say that… look, rob and aaron had so much misery and so many problems from ssw onwards and they ended up going through a massive break up. so big-picture wise, it’s logical that all that misery was intentional. it wasn’t just fuelling the andy plot or whatever, it was there as a build up to ultimately splitting aaron and rob up and making it last a while (even if they hadn’t decided at that point to actually break them up - it’s chicken and egg, they would have known what they’d put them through up until that point and understood that this could realistically ultimately lead to a break up). the january argument wasn’t resolved because it couldn’t be, because that would be counter-productive to the eventual plan of separating them. the first wedding was rushed and not legal and the reason for it being held was literally LITERALLY bc aaron was afraid rob would cheat - because again, that wedding wasn’t going to be the one that lasted. there had to be problems there.

basically - yes we absolutely put more thought into this shit than the show does but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the thought we put into it is… wrong? or will lead to us not feeling satisfied? because the way that things have gone wrong with robron so far have led to a break up. it feels like a safe assumption that they’re not going to go through a massive break up again after they get back together at the beginning of 2018, so on some level somewhere, it seems like a safe assumption that we’re not going to have rob kissing his ex to get money, or aaron doing a miserable 6 week prison stint, or robert knocking someone up etc. basically, i guess what i’m saying is… the pain wasn’t for nothing? it was there to play a function in the story and while i doubt that aaron and rob are gonna get back together and the show is gonna be like ‘ok well their problems are fixed now so that’s nice’, they’re going to be writing with a different eventual goal to the one they’ve had this year?

this wasn’t even ur original question i just took this to an entirely different place lmao. sorry. i guess what i’m trying to say is i’m not particularly concerned about getting a final resolution on rob and aaron’s issues, but the writing for them will change as the direction of their story changes, so. the reason i’m waiting is more because i’m waiting for that direction to stop being “keep them apart” and start being “get them back on track and prove they can be together”. which is sort of… the next step? i guess? regardless of whether or not they have problems (and it’s a soap so u know they will), the story needs to shift from a break up to a big second wedding - the one that you assume will last more than a month (because they’re not stupid - they know there’s only so much you can wring out of a thing and they’re already pushing it). so… yeah. that’s what i mean when i talk about this particular storyline wrapping up.

i could just keep that last paragraph and delete the rest and you would still have your answer but im obviously not going to do that.

[platonic-bellarke]

Do all of the number asks

Wow ok 1: Full nameSarah Abigail Large 2: Age163: 3 FearsDrowning, being considered an annoying friend, being ignored 4: 3 things I loveMusic Frank iero Art5: 4 turns onTattoos Dark hair (on guys on girls anything)Blue eyes Being able to listen to me rant and talk about things I love 6: 4 turns offRepublicans Homophobic people Ignoring me Hypocrisy 7: My best friendShe goes to my school 8: Sexual orientationBisexual9: My best first dateI have never dated anyone lmao10: How tall am I5’4 and a half11: What do I missMy Chemical Romance and my best friend in elementary school and middle school 12: What time was I bornI think around 12:35 in the afternoon 13: Favourite colorAnything blue tbh (pretty much cool colors)14: Do I have a crushYes, I actually have 2 lmao here’s this girl and my school and this guy at this other school 15: Favourite quote“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a better person” or “All your quirks, all your problems-even your depressions and your failures-it what makes you, you” both by Gerard Way (or just “keep running” from danger days) 16: Favourite placeMy bed with my dog and cat listening to music 17: Favourite foodI love banana and grapes 18: Do I use sarcasmOccasionally 19: What am I listening to right nowThe white album by Weezer (specially the song L.A. girlz)20: First thing I notice in new personEither hair and facial features or, if I talk to them, their personality 21: Shoe sizeLike 8-9 (in US women’s)22: Eye colorLike blue, green, grayish 23: Hair colorbrown with some natural blonde highlights 24: Favourite style of clothingI love flannels and black jeans and beanies and hoodies (idk just like that aesthetic)25: Ever done a prank call?Yep27: Meaning behind my URLThe joke of bellarke being platonic and “platonic bellarke” being an oxymoron 28: Favourite moviePretty much any marvel movie (mcu) especially winter soldier or Ragnarok 29: Favourite songFamous last words, mama, the ghost of you, bulletproof heart, literally any thing by My Chemical Romance A Rush of Blood to the Head and Clocks by Coldplay Knights of Cydonia by Muse Jesus of Suburbia by Green Day Say it ain’t so and My Name is Jonas by Weezer Ode to sleep by Twenty One Pilots (I couldn’t narrow it down to one sorry)30: Favourite bandMy Chemical Romance (coldplay and Muse and close seconds)31: How I feel right nowAnxious (over nothing) tired, a little sad32: Someone I loveFrank iero, my best friend, my family 33: My current relationship statusSingle (hmu)34: My relationship with my parentsReally good 35: Favourite holidayHALLOWEEN 36: Tattoos and piercing i haveNone :(37: Tattoos and piercing i wantI want my ears and nose pierced. I want a My Chemical Romance, Coldplay, and muse tattoo (and many more)38: The reason I joined TumblrI made my first account in 2013 because my friends had tumblr and I want to blog about bands and tv shows. I made this one in 2016 because I want my tv shows and movie posts to be separated from my band blog. My band blog is less active now and has less followers lmao39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?Don’t have an ex. Never dated anyone 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?Nope :/41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?No42: When did I last hold hands?My sister will grab my hands randomly haha43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?For school like 10 minutes but like if I’m going out and actually care about my appearance like an hour to an hour and a half 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?Nope45: Where am I right now?The bath46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?I have never drank (and tbh don’t plan on it) but probably my friends (?)47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?In my headphones: loud. In a public area: reasonable bc I don’t want to bother anyone 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?Yep I’m only 1649: Am I excited for anything?YES I AM MEETING AND SEEING AWOLNATION, JUDAH AND THE LION, AND DAN AND PHIL 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?nope. I have 0 guys friends bc I go to an all girls school 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?Lmao when ever I talk to someone who talks for too long or when I’m talking to teachers 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?Like 2 weeks ago not sure 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?I never kissed anyone lmao54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?Haha yep55: What is something I disliked about today?My body 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Frank iero (or Gerard Way or Chris Martin) 57: What do I think about most?How much i hate my body and how much I miss my Chemical Romance 58: What’s my strangest talent?I don’t really have any talents (I can whistle really well) 59: Do I have any strange phobias?Ladybugs60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Either (I want to become a film maker or an actor so)61: What was the last lie I told?Told my friend I was busy the other day when really I just wanted to be alone and watch Lucifer and runaways 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Depends on the person but usually phone 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?No for ghost yes for aliens 64: Do I believe in magic?Nope65: Do I believe in luck?Nope66: What’s the weather like right now?Super cold but I like lt (like 33 degrees and sunny) (0 degrees if your a Celsius person)67: What was the last book I’ve read?I am reading the umbrella academy comic by Gerard Way currently but for a book... I don’t really like to read books (for school I just read summary’s lmao) so the last full book I read was probably the hobbit in middle school (I love that book)68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?Yes 69: Do I have any nicknames?Abea, Dabby, anby70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?I got a cut on the top of the head when I was little and my dad had to stick it back 71: Do I spend money or save it?I try to save it but it usually doesn’t happen 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?No 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?Yes, a shampoo bottle 74: Favourite animal?CATS75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?Watching Stephen Colbert 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?Either trump or Morningstar (I have been watching too much Lucifer Help)77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?Vampire money, famous last words by My Chemical Romance Mr. Brightside by the Killers 78: How can you win my heart?Liking the same music or shows and movies as me/Being able to listen to me rant about things I either love or hate 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?Idk something meaningful not sure yet 80: What is my favorite word?Idk I like the word nonchalant81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrI refuse to narrow it down to 5 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?Listen to conventional weapons by My Chemical Romance 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?Nope84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?Either teleportation/Shrink and grow at will/or change my appearance and look like whoever I want 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Why I am sad86: What is my current desktop picture?I have like 10 back grounds but my main ones are my meet and greet with 30STM, a pic of frank iero I took at his show, and a pic of Matt Bellamy I took at a muse show 87: Had sex?No but I would like to 88: Bought condoms?Nope89: Gotten pregnant?Nope and hopefully I never will90: Failed a class?Nope91: Kissed a boy?Nope, but I would like to 92: Kissed a girl?No, but I would like to93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?Nope94: Had job?Nope95: Left the house without my wallet?Yep96: Bullied someone on the internet?No97: Had sex in public?Nope98: Played on a sports team?Yep, I swam and played soccer when I was younger 99: Smoked weed?Nope but I would like to100: Did drugs?No101: Smoked cigarettes?No and I don’t want to102: Drank alcohol?Yes, my parents will let me try their drinks. I have never liked them 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?I don’t eat any meat besides occasionally chicken 104: Been overweight?Yep105: Been underweight?Nope106: Been to a wedding?Yep107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?Yep108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?Yep 109: Been outside my home country?Yep110: Gotten my heart broken?Kinda, one of my friends told me some pretty awful shit that made me hate myself and convince my self I have no friends so I hate her now and we used to be very close but whatever 111: Been to a professional sports game?Yep112: Broken a bone?I broke my finger once113: Cut myself?No but I have tried 114: Been to prom?No but I will this year !115: Been in airplane?Yep (was actually on one yesterday haha)116: Fly by helicopter?Nope117: What concerts have I been to?Boi so many. I have been to over 15Including Fall Out Boy Three Times Panic! At the Disco 3 times Twenty one pilots 3 timesWeezer 3 times (a 4th this summer)PVRIS 3 timesMuse30 Seconds to Mars Coldplay Frank iero and the Patience Bastille twice Judah and the lionBlink-182Green DayMaroon 5 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?Yep, I currently do119: Learned another language?Nope 120: Wore make up?Yes, I love makeup 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?Nope, I’m only 16 though 122: Had oral sex?Nope123: Dyed my hair?Yep124: Voted in a presidential election?Nope125: Rode in an ambulance?Nope126: Had a surgery?I got my wisdom teeth removed does that count (?)127: Met someone famous?Yep, 30stm(Jared Leto), Tyler Joseph of twenty one pilots, panic! At the Disco, misha and Jared and Jensen from Supernatural, and Victoria justice 128: Stalked someone on a social network?Yep129: Peed outside?Yep130: Been fishing?Yes I hated it 131: Helped with charity?Yep 132: Been rejected by a crush?I have never asked anyone out 133: Broken a mirror?Nope 134: What do I want for birthday?Concert tickets, a s.o.135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?I never want kids omfg 136: Was I named after anyone?I don’t think so 137: Do I like my handwriting?Hahah no 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?I loved Thomas the train shit139: Favourite Tv Show?Either the 100, sherlock, or Gotham 140: Where do I want to live when older?I would like to live in Europe for some time in my life but I’ll probably stay in Tennessee for most of my life but I would love to travel everywhere 141: Play any musical instrument?No but I am trying to learn bass 142: One of my scars, how did I get it?There’s a scar on my knee from when i was climbing rocks to get to a rope swing and I scraped my leg on a rock 143: Favourite pizza toping?Extra cheesy haha (also cold pizza is better)144: Am I afraid of the dark?No I love the dark145: Am I afraid of heights?No I LOVE heights omg 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?No bc I don’t really like doing bad things 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Yep haha148: What I’m really bad atTalking about my feelings 149: What my greatest achievments arePassing some hard classes, swimming a 50 freestyle in under 30 Seconds 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to meOh boy that “friend” to me that:-no one cares about me-I have no close friends -I’m selfish -I take what I want from others -I pride myself on being nice 151: What I’d do if I won in a lotteryUse most of it to have a safe future but some for concert tickets and band stuff 152: What do I like about myselfTbh nothing, maybe the fact that I am ok at makeup (?)153: My closest Tumblr friendDon’t really have any close Tumblr friends. MESSAGE ME IF YOU WANT TO 154: Something I fantasise abouta My Chemical Romance reunion, what it would be like to be in a relationship 155: Any question you’d like??

[rainbowravioli]

Hey! Love your analyses! I didn't find any post from you talking about how Yuri on Ice deals with homosexuality in-universe, so I'm going to talk about it and ask your opinion. Some friends of mine criticized how Yuuri and Viktor never suffer any prejudice for their public displays of affection. They're two bisexual women, I'm not one to say their complaint is baseless bc we react to media differently. I can say, as a gay man, however, that it was validating to me. It's important to have works..

… like The Normal Heart showing us how the LGBT+ community has struggled over the years, but depicting a world where there isn’t homophobia, I think, is great too. It has underlying political messages: gay relationships are as normal and acceptable as heterossexual ones and should be treated as such. Of course, there’s still heteronormativity in their world: Viktor asks if Yuuri has a girlfriend (not a boyfriend), Yuuri thinks Viktor is so hot that he impregnated him, Yuuri feels comfortable playing the role of the woman who’s left behind by the playboy (I know this is subverted bc you could interpret Yuuri as being the playboy and I know it can be validating for some people to see Yuuri, the lead character, being comfortable with his traditional feminine aspects; I just want to point out heteronormativity is a thing there too)…Also, I found some people in the internet criticizing the lack of homophobia not bc they care about how representation is done, but bc they can’t conceive of a world without it. So, it’s a complicated issue and it could never be otherwise, we don’t live in a cultural vacuum. Thoughts? (Srsly I love your analyses on how YoI betrayed its own narrative. Some might be turned off by criticisms, but in some cases - certainly in yours - it enhanced my understanding and appreciation of the anime)

Thanks for the kind words, anon, I’m really happy you like my analyses ❤

So, I understand where people come from when they say that the lack of homophobia in the series is erasing the very real issues LGBT face in the real world, especially considering things like how the real life sport of figure skating is ripe with homophobia and the fact that Yuuri and Victor come from countries that are very lacking in LGBT rights. People wanted the series to explore and bring attention to those issues. I get it. 

However, from my personal perspective, I find it downright exhausting that basically every single piece of LGBT media uses homophobia as plot device/source of conflict for the characters. I actually love that Yuri on Ice is a very safe show in that perspective. Yuuri and Victor are in love, they’re engaged, and nobody cares that they are both men. There isn’t a single comment made about it, not a single “But we’re both guys!!!” complaint from Yuuri when Victor flirts, or other characters being weirded out over their relationship (well there is Yurio but it’s coming from somewhere else). Upon seeing them wearing engagement rings, Phichit’s reaction is to happily congratulate them and share his happiness over the occasion with everyone at the restaurant. Every stranger there is happy for them and celebrates the announcement.

Yuri on Ice is not the story about Yuuri having to deal with his attraction to men and him and Victor having to face the homophobia of their respective countries and their sport. It’s about Yuuri falling in love despite being afraid of intimacy, about learning that he is attractive despite his insecurities and how he deserves to be loved. It’s about Victor meeting someone who changes his life for the better, learning that he can be loved just for being himself and finding joy through love when he had lost it for years.

Yuri on Ice feels like validation. I love that I felt represented without the constant reminder of the struggles and discrimination I suffer. I’m sure it’s the same way for many other LGBT people. I could just enjoy this love story without fearing for how the world would react to the relationship, because the world of Yuri on Ice doesn’t care that Yuuri and Victor are both men. It’s a world that I hope that we can achieve someday. 

As for the issue of heteronormativity. Well, here’s where we come into the fact that Yuri on Ice is not perfect and heteronormativity affects everyone, even LGBT creations and creators. A few corrections though - Victor never asks Yuuri about former “girlfriends”, nor does he talk about his own former “girlfriends”. The word he uses in Japanese is gender neutral and better translates to “lover”, which is actually the term used in the official English dub. So in this case the heteronormativity was present exclusively in the subs.

I see how the playboy and the beautiful woman story is heteronormative but I still find it important that it was a female figure that Yuuri better identified with and took power from. But that’s a discussion for how Yuri on Ice handles gender, let’s focus on sexuality. 

The things that really get to me are Minako saying that Victor has millions of female fans specifically, especially when that very same episode shows men in the crowd reacting to Victor’s wink

I’m 100% sure Victor is popular with everyone, so specifying he’s popular with women is…eh…same for extra-series materials that enforce both Victor and Chris’ popularity with “the ladies”. Come on, have you looked at them? I’m sure they are popular in general.

Also the fact that Yuuri and Victor are the only same-sex couple in the entire series, and that they are the only couple without textual confirmation of their relationship status in-series. Yuuri’s parents, JJ’s parents and Yuuko and Takeshi are happily married, Lilia is referred to as Yakov’s ex-wife on the same episode she is introduced, Georgi’s programs are based around his ex-girlfriend and JJ constantly refers to Isabella as his girlfriend and later his fiancée. You also have Minako being exclusively attracted to the male skaters (particularly Chris) and Sara being shown to be openly attracted to men, with her brother Michelle specifically trying to protect her from them. But I wrote more about this aspect here (x)

It’s like you said, we don’t live in a cultural vacuum, so these issues of representation will never be perfect. Personally, I’m glad YoI is a safe space. I would argue we need more media like that, that shows LGBT people being happy and accepted and having their own narratives that are independent from the fact that they are LGBT. There is space for exploring the adversities faced by minorities, and it’s a very important thing to do when it comes to representation, but it shouldn’t be the only form of representation minorities have. They should be allowed to exist in media outside of that.

[probablysapphic]

i've been a proud bisexual for over 2 years, having crushes on mainly girls but never dating bc i just haven't found anyone. until this spring.. i met a guy who was nice and cute and funny etc and it was all good but now i've realized that i just don't like him that way. i don't feel anything when we kiss or hug (havent gone further bc long distance), it's kinda ok but tbh i feel more aroused when i sit next to a female stranger in a bus (and i'm not a pervert so that's not even a lot).->

i would just go and start telling everyone i’m a lesbian and ignore cute guys, but: this is my first time actually experiencing mutual attraction that leads somewhere. maybe i find kissing gross bc ive never done it before? also when i was child there wasn’t any love in our family and i’m not used to it, i can’t even have close friends, and in school everyone hated me and the boys always said how they would never date me etc. so maybe it’s all based on trauma and i’m going to miss a wonderful ->

relationship (bc the guy i’m dating really is a great person and we have that connection and i like spending time with him, u know all that shit) because i’m too lazy to fix my traumas with a therapist? and if i decide to go down the easy route and follow my feelings, i have to leave that guy and i really don’t want to do it, i’m scared he’ll get even more depressed, and then i also would be alone for the next forever. i have no idea of what’s the right thing to do!?

So sorry I kept you waiting, I hope you still see this.

First, let me repeat some things you’ve said:

“i met a guy (…) but now i’ve realized that i just don’t like him that way”“i don’t feel anything when we kiss or hug”“if i decide to go down the easy route and follow my feelings, i have to leave that guy“

Correct me if I’m wrong but it doesn’t sound like there’s any kind of attraction here. You think a lot about leaving him and told me that you have no feelings for him.You said this is the first time you’re experiencing mutual attraction. But, sorry, but what you say doesn’t seem like attraction from your side. It’s more like … wanting company. Mutually enjoying each other’s company. But if you picture a romantic relationship with more than that, then this is not it. Even though he’s nice and all that, isn’t it worth it to be with someone you actually wanna be with, instead of being with someone who is just “the best choice at the moment”?

So ask yourself: Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in? Because if you want passion, love, genuine attraction, and to actually enjoy all the physical activities like kissing etc. … then what you have is not thatThis post and this post make have good points, too.

And frankly, it’s not really fair to him either. I know you’re in a super difficult situation but you can still be there for him if you want to, as a friend (since you worry about him getting even more depressed) - but continue dating him doesn’t seem like a good idea for either of you.And if he blackmails you into staying with him, if he says “don’t leave me, I’ll get much worse then” then that’s a red flag and one more reason to leave him.

Also: “i would just go and start telling everyone i’m a lesbian” - I know it’s hard to figure out whether your attraction to men is genuine or not but it seems like you have made up your mind at least a little bit about that. (Even though know that you don’t have to be sure about that to identify as a lesbian.)

Maybe this post and this post help you, as well as my compulsory heterosexuality tag all together.

What’s keeping you from identifying as lesbian is fear. I get that. Fear of not finding someone, fear of hurting your current boyfriend.It’s okay to be afraid. We all are.I’m sure you’ll find someone. You won’t be alone forever. Go to places where lgbtq+ people meet, go to pride events, try dating apps/sites for wow if you want. But don’t settle for a guy if all you want is dating girls.

Please don’t blame yourself for this situation either. No, this isn’t because you’re too lazy to fix my traumas with a therapist. Definitely not.And from what you’ve described, I don’t think that you don’t like kissing just because you’ve never done it before.

I wish you all the best. Good luck. You’ll find happiness, I promise.

EDIT: check the comments!