#it actually isnt all about you and how it reflects on your community or whatever. “”bad representation“” exists in real life

[oynonrings]

ARTEMY WITH A SEPTUM RING PLEASE SAY MORE. no no but like actually culturally hes the only one that can cut flesh and its like right in the middle of his face so its obvious his status and ability within the community and what have you as well as the connections to bulls. loook no ok you mayu have said it offhand but you keep providing things to the fandom that maybe we didnt ask for but what we absolutley need please say more whenever

he probably has super simple whatever nose ring equivalent of sleeper studs is for most days,, but think , have you seen how elaborete and large adn decorated they can get ??? Artemy deserves to be bedazzled during events or if he just wanna feel pretty. like 'how are you supposed to eat with that? 'thats the neat part i dont' amazingly decorative.

also conceptually it could be interesting he was also the only one allowed to give piercings, as i imagine it would've been his father who gave him his,, perhaps as different to 'cutting' etc, *waffles on*, and ,if he knows how to give all kinds of peircings, now ok quite some time post-canon i'd thjink, daniil , sit down, amazing thought ive just had, youre into self expression, look at your silly clothes, and you're set to stay here ,so now artemy has a proposition bc fuck which genders the Capital says can and can't wear nice jewellery so hear him out-

*anon is dragged out stage left*

(context) YEAH ANON!!! my answer got long so putting it under the cut<3

i think isidor giving artemy a septum piercing as a young boy as a visible reminder that hed grow up to be a menkhu is so good..........and then when he goes off to study hes obstinate about wearing it at first, extremely defensive of it as a symbol of his home, but the more weird looks he gets and the more it affects his life, he eventually takes it out altogether as a reflection of him forgetting (and starting to look down upon) the kin spiritual practices in the capital. then when he returns to the town, hes hesitant to wear it again because he hardly recognizes the town after a decade, he isnt sure how much he even believes in it anymore, and above all, he doesnt feel worthy of taking up his fathers mantle, especially with all of his guilt over not arriving sooner.......and maybe some people dont recognize him without the ring, too, and lara and grief make comments about how they havent seen him without the ring since they were kids

ohhhh imagine if he returned without his septum ring to find that rubin gave himself one at some point since he left!!! and this might fit p2 rubins characterization a little more than p1 rubin, but imagine how good of a symbol it would be. rubins bitterness and his assumptions that artemy was a bad son to isidor are reinforced when he sees that artemy, who had been pierced by isidor himself in his youth, has taken out his ring and eschewed the role of menkhu, his father, and his hometown altogether. meanwhile, as isidors protégé, rubin feels the need to prove himself, and he takes on the stigma of piercing without the title of menkhu like he takes on the stigma of stealing and cutting simons corpse. and as the game progresses and artemy fucks around with oyun, he tries to put the ring back in but the hole has shrunk over the years and he has to repierce himself, and that as a parallel to him relearning the steppe medicine and reincorporating himself into his hometown. you see the vision

or maybe for burda he asks daniil to repierce him, since he cant really see his own nose that well, and they bond: daniil gains an appreciation for the culture, and artemy reluctantly opens up a little about it.......

the idea of artemy giving daniil piercing(s) post-canon is so sweet. daniil would be extremely hesitant but especially if its an established relationship i could see a menkhu piercing his partner being a very intimate ritual process, something like a cross between a part of a wedding ceremony and getting a tattoo. it takes an immense amount of trust to let someone pierce you, and that applies tenfold in the town, where piercing flesh is forbidden along with piercing the ground. itd be described with all the phallic imagery of penetration, insertion, etc. like boring into the earth is (and honestly, you could make the argument that the polyhedron is like a decorative piercing on the town/earth that got infected. actually, the polyhedron and the town could be symbolically represented as piercings and tattoos upon the earth, respectively—one breaks the skin, one sits upon the skin albeit requiring a bit of trauma to begin with)

this got a bit out of hand but THANK YOU ANON i put 0 thought into that post but i actually do think it rules....... many thoughts

[syrupspinner]

i completed Paradise Killer

im something of a suda51 fangirl, and when it comes to his games, i think this... what do you mean he didnt direct this. theres literally a Silver Case

my last review was WAY too negative. i hate insulting video games, i respect the medium so much and it kinda hurts to play something i hate. so to lighten my mood im gonna reflect on one of my favorite games of all time

im a predictable bitch. i love vibes, and my absolute favorite vibe is weird trippy dream-like surreal psychedelic craziness. roman sands, starstruck hands of time, psychopomp, vividlope, yiik, fatum betula, yume nikki, you get the idea. stuff that exists beyond our reality with a tenuously consistent but definitely foreign laws of function and understanding. and the visuals? floating heavenly bullshit with a vaguely tropical theme. if you wanted to construct a trap for me just make the interior of the cage look like this (which i wrote out and then realized its kinda the theme of the game?)

you play as Lady Love Dies, who has been exiled because shes just obsessed with investigating things. but theres been a murder in paradise! the syndicate that controls the island has been murdered, right before we were all meant to transition to our pocket reality's new and incrementally more perfect iteration (25th times the charm!). a few of the non-mortals have been held back as suspects, so... go do the investigation thing.

one of the first things you do in the game is return from exile, which is an isolated little apartment far above paradise. this means the game starts with you slowly falling to the game's setting, giving you a birds-eye view of the entire map. its just big and busy enough to make you go "wow" about the open world you get to explore, with every part looking different and enticing. the music swelling and playing you in on the perfect moment to accentuate this feeling of wonderment is masterful. if you do nothing else, listen to this games soundtrack, i cant think of a single song that doesnt hit the mark

the actual gameplay takes the form of first-person exploration. you go to different people and interrogate em, look around for clues, and maybe get a movement upgrade along the way. you can then initiate the trial whenever youre ready. literally whenever. and as long as you have enough evidence to reasonably back up your point, you can convict pretty much anyone of anything, or deliberately hold back evidence to keep the ones you like innocent. that is an amount of freedom im not very used to in detective games, cuz theres no fail state here, just guilty or innocent and the game ends. fucking wonderful

my favorite part of the game is how it approached information. first, on a gameplay level, youre not told anything about the evidence you gather. theres no "this gun... this insignia means that it belonged to the council!" (not a spoiler, i just made that up) or whatever, youve gotta do the detective work of connecting the dots abstractly and ignoring red herrings to specific conclusions. you have to realize what the insignia means, you have to think through the implications of the guns use, and you need to decide if you have enough evidence to reach a conclusion

as an extension of this, since this isnt an isekai or anything, nobodys gonna explain how this weird-ass world works to anyone. its up to you as the player to be receptive about how this world works and choose what to take at face value. like, people greet and say goodbye in specific ways based on what god they were born under, and sometimes they talk about communing with their gods. so youre like oh okay, everyones pretty spiritual, cuz theres a distinction between the gods and the sorta implicitly-devine syndicate. then there is a real physical god you can walk over to and converse with and youve just gotta incorporate that into your worldview real quick. i think this is a perfect genre to do that, since players are going in with the intention of piecing things together. finding out naturally how this world treats humans and how humans treat the world in return is some of the most fun ive had experiencing a narrative

speaking of the narrative... so, im not gonna spoil anything for you. but uh, figuring out exactly how the paradise killing when down and exactly who is responsible for it is so interesting and fun. this case is not straightforward in the slightest, theres so much co-occurring and interweaving. the characters are all interesting and compelling, there isnt a single person i can think of that i dont like seeing on screen.

so is this game just perfect? yeah, kinda. i can see how people might complain about the platforming traversal stuff, but like, theres a fast travel and like 99% of the jumping stuff is option for blood. blood is a currency you use to purchase wallpapers for your sentient briefcase investigation assistant btw. like, that is a sentence i can say and mean, how can you not love this fucking game?

people talk about how 10/10 ratings say more about the reviewer than the game, so im gonna bare my soul and say this is a mandatory experience for anyone who likes to play video games. its definitely not friendly to people who mostly play sports games or anything, but if you have a passion for narratives and you enjoy experiencing unique worlds and unique people then god damn you gotta play this. you just gotta

go here and click buy and play the game. i usually dont bother linking steam pages here unless theyre demos but i wanna make it as easy as possible to get this game

and while youre there wishlist the dev team's next game, promise mascot agency! it looks dope as hell

[kamari3]

i have a question regarding the post about how to engage online, i think what OP is trying to say is no matter what your personal method is of showing affection, treating a stranger on the internet with the same assumptive casual nature as you would a friend is not good or a healthy mind state to have. Like if you were invited to a get-together and you walked up to someone you didnt know and said "hey ya dickhead, looking fresh today!". You'd NEVER do that irl so why would u online?

Oh, oh I have an answer for this one!

Okay so, full disclosure: I'm autistic so I absolutely have this thing about over analyzing social interactions! I also have this thing where I filter every single experience solely through my own worldview/lense before I can even attempt to apply data from other people's experiences, so it is very limiting and personal. what i say is in reference to me, and whether that applies to anyone else is up in the air.

SO!! TOPIC AT HAND:

In IRL interactions, I normally have to sort people into two sort-of-broad umbrella groups: the in-group that I, in general, do not have to mask around (you know what masking is right?), and the out-group that I do have to mask around.

In a broad sense, the in-group is close family and close friends, and the out-group is literally everyone else.

The only way to go from being in the out-group to the in-group is to be exposed to my non-mask persona and to respond favorably, usually repeatedly with longer and longer exposure.

My 'masks' are necessary tools for interacting in polite society. They are used to help choose correct vocabulary (filter vulgaries, off color jokes, and hyperfixation tangents which are inappropriate for whatever i'm doing- i shouldnt be getting into a debate about Zelda Lore with the cashier at subway just because they say they like my zelda shirt no matter how much i may want to), keep body language somewhat neutral and appropriate (minimize stimming gestures which could accidentally hit someone or break something), and help keep myself on task.

When I am not wearing my mask, or wearing less intense ones, I do not do these things, or do them with a much lower rate of success.

It is expected and appropriate to maintain my Polite Society Masks when out in society to minimize inconveniencing the other people in my community.

However, it is Literally Impossible to forge a connection with anyone, ever, while wearing these masks. They arent real. They are Acting that is Necessary and largely do not reflect my actual personality and disposition.

To make a friendship, one needs to show sincerity and vulnerability, to offer up yourself in a show of (usually platonic) intimacy that can be accepted, and hopefully reciprocated.

Offline, there is this confusing, intricate social etiquette dance that I really don't understand that cues us into when and where it is okay for me to do this, to take off this mask and attempt the Friendship Test.

Online, there really isnt any such thing, or at least not one I have noticed. The rules I have managed to figure out (assuming i'm right, i may not be) are about the context of the website you are having the interaction on. Professional places like Facebook, LinkedIn, delivery service apps, and business emails are all examples of online places where the Mask is necessary.

I have always considered Tumblr to, by and large, be a place where the Mask can come Off.

However, exceptions that prove the rule and all that: certain individual Blogs/Users can differentiate themselves as being set aside to be Mask Only interaction: like Neil Gaimen, for example, and now the OP of that post. Boundaries are established and now, so long as I remember their username, I will know to put the mask on around them in order to be polite at all times.

This, by the very nature of my situation, excludes all possibility of actual friendship between us, since it cuts away the chance for intimacy and vulnerability.

And that is OK! There is nothing wrong with not being friends! \o/ We can be polite and share the same space! And I agreed with that sentiment greatly!

I am, vaguely, aware that other people do not necessarily function this way. There is a great possibility that OP from that post has some other avenues or rituals for making friends online, which other people can pick up on and utilize. And thats great too! But I cant do that. Until such a time as I am personally given a little metaphorical permission slip to be as unhinged as I feel like being around OP, I have to accept and respect the distinct possibility that there is never going to be a Friendship between us. Which I do! Because I'm (trying) not (to be) an entitled prick, and I think that everyone should be able to establish their own boundaries and have those be respected, even if it conflicts with my own and necessitates distance.

Anyway I hope you enjoy my essay that sits as an example for how hilariously bad I am at actually talking to people. :3

[terraliensvent]

multiple ppl close to kinah were able to verify that they were in the hospital recovering when the attempt happened. all of those ppl could not collab and lie so one person could get “extra attention” in ur words. Im frustrated with terra staff aswell but that doesn’t mean its ok now to call someones suicide attempt fake so ur feelings seem more valid. I find that extremely sickening. U have zero evidence or good reason for doubt or else u would have vented about it already. all u have is ur feefees. u do need therapy. And mod pls stop validating baseless speculation on smth so serious. what happened 2 people needing proof for claims like this

alright yeah im deleting kinah asks now

first off i dont think that people should just believe whatever they read on the internet, because you dont know who these people are irl. again, thats not to say that you shouldnt give support where you can or that you should make public callouts saying that it was all fake when you dont know for sure, BUT at the same time theres a level of speculation regardless because its the fucking internet. people are wild, people are strangers, and there is a non zero chance that people could have lied. just because people have a level of speculation on something they read online, that doesnt mean they need therapy and it doesnt mean theyre a bad person, it means they have a brain. if YOU want to believe it without a shadow of a doubt then thats fine, and if other people have some doubt thats also fine, just dont go out of your way to fucking bother people because thats just unnecessary.

second off, i need proof for accusations like “so and so is posting feral” or “so and so is an abuser,” saying things like “the way that kinah bounced back into cs makes me speculate” isnt an accusation.

the views of the anons i post here arent reflective of my own views, and if something is a problem i give my own input on it in my response. when i created this blog i didnt want to delete asks because i feel like that controls a narrative and makes me an unreliable narrator when it comes to these discussions. if people want to talk about things like this, i didnt want to force silence because thats not how you hold a discussion.

as an additional note: anons have been becoming increasingly aggressive in my inbox, whether its towards one another or towards myself. i implore all of you to stop being so aggressive, stop making assumptions, and stop playing this holier than thou card. so much of the art and cs community is made up of people who will virtue signal and place themselves on a moral pedestal and my inbox is the last place for that. if you want to rant and complain, go ahead, but stop acting like youre better than each other because you have the Correct Opinion on everything and believe everything you read on the internet.

my final thoughts on this are as follows: there is a non zero chance that everyone is lying. is it a small chance? sure. does this mean we should spread the narrative that it was all fake? no. are you a horrible person who should die in a fire because you dont 100 percent believe that the attempts were real? no, but also dont go out of your way to be an asshole because of that belief. i think we should all publicly operate under the assumption that the attempts were real. if you want to privately speculate, go fucking wild. could kinah going back into cs and making stuff for terras possibly be bad for their mental health? maybe. but also, its none of our business. and thats what im ending this topic with, a lot of this shit really is just none of our business and i think you all give way too much of a fuck about someone who you will never know irl.

i dont dislike kinah, in fact i actually really liked them when they were on staff for terras. but at some point we all gotta throw our arms up and say why is this taking up so much of my brain power when this person is just someone i follow on fucking toyhouse.

we are done with asks about kinahs attempt now, unless anyone has important info or something new to say im deleting them.

[etchingstoalostgod]

sign posts and checkered flags: on new years resolutions

28/12/2024 - 11/01/2025 - 23/01/2025

i suppose this is time of the year where everyone writes their new year's resolutions that they never stick to or the time was a week or two ago (now more lol) when i started writing this post but alas my brother gave me his christmas flu as he couldn’t resist telling me about his new french perfume website that he had to buy from. he said hes sorry and bought me honey and lemon buttermethols which have such a weird syrup inside i don’t know how one could call it lemon nor honey. im sure he will forget like everyone else does that i do not have a good functioning immune system but at least its not covid just one of the other five virus going around the christmas time despite the fact it is summer so i guess the viruses have evolved to withstand the australian heat.

if you will allow me to be a bit self-indulgent as if this isnt my blog, i want to reflect on the year and do the whole setting resolutions thing but in my case smashing goals is quite a past time i have. i need to write more of them down as it might be a bit of life hack for getting me to actually do things.

on writing this post its spawn about ten other posts as apparently i love introspection and i'm having some time alone from the delete button because i'm just trying to figure things out. some of the posts have turn into to more life goals but i guess this is my blog and i can do whatever i please. i want to just get them out of the way but i just keep writing more and more so pray that i finish them by march.

2024 was… well… a year… i guess? it's complicated to say the least. part of me feels like i should have loved it completing my first year of art school and part of me feels like i should hate it as it was filled with sickness, tiredness, migraines and all the other ways my body tries to attack me. it hardly felt like a year and in other ways felt like three. if there's some silver lining i did get quite a lot better at art, who knew that going to art school would do that. which maybe didn’t help with my tiredness but it's not as if you can complete art school four times.

im glad my parents convinced me to go despite watching endless amercians on the internet hating their art schools. whenever i would post about thinking about going to art school, many people even those who i barely knew told me it wasn’t worth it. i feel so bad for these people who seemingly felt like they wasted all this time just to go into debt for life. i was convinced art school would suck the life out of drawing and i'd drop out after the first year but how wrong that all is. it's really the place i need to be.

before art school all the art advice i ever got was from popular artists on the internet and the thing is that is there very good at making popular art on the internet and that’s just their thing. the advice is find your niche and stick to it and don’t really stray away from it. but who really even makes art like that? i want to learn how to create anything i want from life and imagination and i don’t want to fill limited by my skills but empowered by them. learning is just a very slow process. being an artist to me is less about the money out of it but more dedicating your life to be the eternal student. all my teachers just say experiment, experiment, experiment. and i think their right. if i never would have gone to art school, i would have just painted little portrait paintings in my room all day and maybe a few landscapes but i don’t know if i would have some much else to show. now ive done clay sculpture, digital photography, charcoal drawing, gouache painting, mix media, digital animation, collage, life drawing, still life drawing, a bit of everything. and im a better artist for it.

theres nothing like the environment of art school. i wish it could last forever, and that real life was just like that. my teachers talk a lot about needing to find community as an artist and their right. after i graduate which i'm quite a ways off, finding community as an artist is one of the most important things i have to do.

i'm sort of already finding it through my life drawing university club. it's mainly animation students and only a few fine arts students but i quite like being the quirky painter while everyone else draws into their sketchbook. if there's truly one way to easily improve as a visual artist, it's going to life drawing and especially if you hate drawing the figure. i feel so fortune to have the ability to turn up and i almost wish i turned up earlier, perhaps i would already be rembrandt by now but the past is the past, is it not. the life drawing club put my artwork for the cover of their end of year gallery show which was quite exciting. though i couldn’t attend because of my health or lack thereof, in fact i stopped attending life drawing all together towards the end of the year, all the more reason to go next year (which is now this year as i'm writing but you know when school starts again).

i suppose i should talk about friendship because it's quite a great strain in my life. i made no new friends this year. i'm not great at keeping conversations, reading social cues or even if the other person simply liked having a talking with me. i don’t really get it. however, if i'm able to make friends anywhere it will be art school or life drawing club. people actually talk to me in class, which is a start, well when they are not walking away from me which for some reason happens quite often (i am actually sorry i just really love talking about painting). i'm not sure if friends are optional but at the moment i don’t have much of an option. though i'll tell you what, making a new a1 paintings every time the models changes pose even from the first four 30 second poses right until the last 20-minute pose is a real conversation starter.

although on friendship, i feel i must mention my house cat. i never realise how much joy and love a cat would give me but he really has. we got him in the middle of 2023 and it’s the best decision my family has ever made in my life. i love that he loves me unconditionally despite the fact that he only meows and i just hug him to death. theres no conversations to fail or social cues to miss read. this kind of love just makes sense. i used to have a cat when i was very little but he was always outside, and his claws freaked me out so we were never the best of friends. my current cat is so dumb and sweet and sleeps against my legs every night. and when he sees a fly, he runs after it until the fly gives up or my mum kills it and gives it to him, for him to then try to eat and spit it out for the next hout as he only eats what the vet describes as mcdonalds of cat food.

during late autumn to early winter, i stayed with my yiayia(grandma) this year and re learnt a lot of greek that i had purposely lost as child when i found out exactly what it meant to be a greek in australia (perhaps more on that another day). it's lovely being able to speak with my yiayia again, more than saying γεια σου, τι κάνεις; (hello how are you). her english is always better than i give her credit for but not enough to never speak greek again. she told me i'm the only one who ever loves her anymore which seems to be the fate of a lot of grandparents but doesn’t make me what to cry any less. everything used to be so lost in translation and now things are slightly more found in the greek, or more greeklish i try to speak. my greek british cousins who are just as greek as me but wouldn’t even describe themselves as such, are in aw of my greek ability but live translating a greek dinsey film isnt the same as having political conversations with my yiayia.

i have at time written about new year's resolutions as one does on the internet, in my diary, scrap piece of paper or whatever and then proceed to never even look at them again. in time, i've found a love for goal setting as it has its place in my life. i know that challenges aren't for everyone but im secretly in love when little numbers going up. why write 4287 words when you can write 5000 words? much more beautiful. it's how i made myself do painting again.

the problem is with new year's resolutions is that i think goals should be forever changing depending on the circumstance. by that definition i will fail a lot of the goals i ever set. one day i would like to read all of shakespeare's plays but will i do that in 2025? probably not but perhaps june i will be the months where i binge them all. when the mood strikes, it stirkes and when will it strike again? so there's a lack of urgency in many of the goals i have and perhaps they are more of life goals than just this yearly goals. however, i must admit there is something so thrilling about setting new year's resolutions. the time of rebrith, the time of new mes.

goals are trash for me if they are not trackable or measurable. "do more exercise" makes no sense if i can't track to see what i am even aiming for, does only a step more count?

i heard people call this task inertia or context switching but i find it quite difficult to change my current tasks. getting out of bed every morning is literally a struggle not in a hyperbolic way but because i need to change my task from lying down to getting ready for the day and it always takes the longest amount of time possible. i work best if there is as little task switching as possible, of course that’s impossible, but i try. when it's been pretty bad, i used to just do everything from bed though i don't think that’s particularly healthy for the soul. it's why setting daily/weekly/monthly goals for me are useless. they will all fail. if i am in a painting mood, i only can paint and i have no motivation to do anything else despite needing to do other work and all i do is procrastinate everything by painting. on the flip side, it means when i start a task i find it very hard to stop. i need to lean in and hack my brain. all goals can be completed at any time and are not frequency bases like draw every week.

i don’t like having one number for a goal. if i have a goal to read 100 books and i only read 90 does that mean i failed?  my goals need more sliding scales so ive come up with a system of having bronze, silver and gold (maybe platinum) versions of my goals. in my mind when i make a goal i usually do make a minimum that i'm okay with, a realistic number and a dream number. why not write it down. i feel this is a more realistic way of setting goals for me. i don’t like the black and white of pass and fail, i need more of a margin of error. this might be giving grade vibes but i'm only marking for showing up and doing the work and that’s half the battle when your making art.

i've written quite a few more posts in depth about my goals they were initially going to be one big post but oh boy i never shut up and i thought it would be more manageable if i post multiple. at the moment i think they might be visual art, books, internet, writing, and idk misc? there are some goals i don’t need to talk about a lot. i'm not sure how much i'll even post but it's in one of my writing goals to post a lot more here.

[iknewplacs]

FYI as a gaylor account, she isnt your friend .. She shouldn't have to think abt GAYLORS feelings when she is trying to be raw and open abt her own, and honestly ur acting like she said "fuck the gaylors and fuck gay people" all she said is shes tired of people overanalyzing her dating life whether it is with a man or a woman. Whatever gender people are speculating about her being with she doesn't want it, and I think its a normal request to just have some privacy. How is she baiting you..? Saying that she doesn't want you speculating about ANY of her relationships regardless of if they are male or female is not coming out as straight nor is it coming out as queer. This is one of the main problems I have with the gaylor community.. If she isn't gay enough for you or doing things that allow you to feel comfortable with ur over analyzation you turn on her. I'm glad she's been this blunt because now she can shed selfish people like you out of her fandom. FYI people should be allowed to experiment with their sexuality without having to answer to people like you. If she dabbled in lesbian porn or even actually being with girls IRL its none of our business nor does she have to disclose that to you. I'm sorry that SOME swifties are using this as an excuse to be homophobic and I'm sorry that you feel in danger within this fandom your feelings are genuine and scary. I myself would be scared being openly queer in front of the majority of taylors fanbase. However, just because her words are being used as a weapon of hatred doesn't mean its HER fault. You can't be mad at her for whatever people make of her feelings. Also hot take analyzing every word and moment of her life to point out its queerness is 100% outing and isn't okay. I'm convinced that you guys will be unhappy with her until you pull a Kit Connor on her and she comes out for YOU. Also I'm tired of this argument of "Well, the hetlors are already writing breakup songs for her and Travis, and they are editing her pregnant." Wait till you find out nuance bc omg. BOTH SIDES ARE UTTERLY INSANE. The point of this matter is no one should be analyzing her life this way. NO ONE should be trying to prove that she is straight OR that she is queer its so invasive and problematic, ESPECIALLY on the gaylors side because imagine the homophobia she may experience if you find something of substance that proves shes queer and she gets attacked for it. All that she said is that she doesn't want analyzation of her sexuality and romance from both sides of this spectacle. This reaction was completely insensitive. Instead of anger you should have sat down and thought about how your behavior is affecting an artist that you care about in some way or another. You should have taken this time to reflect. That is what I have done and why I will also not be gaylor posting anymore unless I have some random thought such as this. Do better.

im so sick of her baiting the gaylors and then writing shit like this that she KNOWS swifties will use to hurt gaylors. and the worst part is she phrases it in a way where she still has plausible deniability. she constantly does things that encourage us to speculate and on her relationships and then whines about it when people do it!!! like fucking liking lesbian p*rn and all the kaylor posts on kissgate. i cant keep on accepting this and accepting that the repercussions will bring me so much hate. If she keeps on doing this i will have to unstan or at the very least delete my gaylor accounts bc if she is pretending to be a closeted queer person for her career/pr/streams it is genuinely insane and very problematic. I had so many hetlors in my fighting w me and calling me slurs during lavendergate and now i have to deal with this shit again? i already know that one line will bring me and other gaylors so much hate and hurt, it is becoming unacceptable for her to continue doing this. and on top of that it makes me feel insane and delusional for thinking ive found some queer subtext in her music. like i imagined it all. especially after saying "gay pride makes me, me". i dont know how much longer i can actually handle her saying shes an ally, and "planting the seeds of allyship", and then stabbing gaylors (a very large majority of whom are queer) in the back. if she want to hide her sexuality, there are much better ways of doing that than whatever bait and switch she keeps on doing. if she is queer, by no means am i asking her to come out but the very least she can do is stop putting us in danger.

[fairycosmos]

hi baby i am losing my mind at home. and mybe im in the wrong. my mom got a new bf since maybe two months and the same day she told me about him, i met him, and that weekend he was there the whole time. and now, that was a month ago, he basically is here constantly. am i being a cunt for being annoyed by this? i love that shes happy, but her last husband was very toxic and made me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe so i am not at ease at all with a pretty much complete stranger in my house. i told her how i felt about it, and she blew up at me calling me egocentric and selfish and made me feel in general very very the odd one out, and like i was not allowed to feel that way. i asked her, after having a full blown panic attack in front of her, to try and keep in mind that when im at home (which is not much considering im in college and only here every few weeks for two days) to at least let me know if he’ll be here, and preferably just not. which she didnt, again, this weekend. i really dont know what to do. bc i really dont feel at home and like im wanted here and ignored and in general very anxious. the guy isnt bad or whatever, but its the same pattern from with her ex where her relationship became more important than me and this whole thing is so incredibly triggering. ig the answer is just a very simple ‘dont go home’ but i am so desperate for recognition and i just want to feel seen by her. i just dont know how to be fine with having a mom that doesnt want me. im really sorry this is so long. i hope youre doing okay <3

hi lovely - im sorry to hear this. it sounds so fucking frustrating and honestly i don't think your reaction is unreasonable at all! there is an appropriate way to introduce your kids to your boyfriend and this is definitely not it, especially if you've had a bad experience with her partners in the past. it is incredibly unfair and childish of her to blow up at you and to have him spend the whole weekend at your place the first weekend you guys met. like, no wonder you feel upset and overwhelmed by it all. it's not a great way to get to know each other, and her disregard for your feelings is awful.

it sounds like you've tried everything you can to set the right boundaries and to communicate clearly and respectfully what you're feeling with her, and of course if you want to you should keep trying to get through to her, but i think it's important to know when it's time to protect your own peace and focus on what is actually in your control. it's totally natural to crave feeling seen and recognised by her, like as much of a human need as eating or sleeping is, but if she's not able to give that you you don't need to internalise it as something that is your fault or something you deserve. it is entirely a reflection of her and her fucked up priorities if she refuses to listen and to amend her own behaviour. like it's obviously ok for her to date, and she doesn't need your permission, but she is not being respectful of your space at all, and that is the problem. i know accepting that is incredibly difficult, and it may take a long time to be able to say “hey, i deserve better than this and i will not beg for her validation, or for her to grow up and act like an adult about things,” but that really is the bottom line. if you still want to go home often, which is obviously completely understandable, maybe you could work on just setting your own boundaries within the house - staying in your room, only engaging with the dude/your mother to the extent that you feel comfortable with, even just straight up communicating to the guy that you're not really used to having him around and you're trying to take things at your own pace. if either of them get offended by that, honestly it's on them. they clearly haven't been considering your feelings so it's ok to just do what's right for yourself at this point. i'm really sorry you're in this position and i hope it gets better with time, that they begin to hear you out and give you room to breathe and process etc etc. i guess i just wanted to offer some genuine understanding, because you're not being ridiculous at all - i think your mam kind of is. also, if there's anyone you can talk to at school about this - like a mate or a college counsellor, i'd really recommend it. i know it might feel really weird and vulnerable to be open about it, but it's an issue you're dealing with and you deserve to feel supported. just processing it out loud and getting someone's outside perspective might be really cathartic and validating. i don't know, no pressure obviously - just smth to consider. sending a hug your way. x

[boycottyashahime]

You have absolutely great takes so I wanted to know your opinion about the entire way Sunrise dealt with the execution of the sequel, because something doesnt exactly make sense to me - it's either Sunrise were hilariously disconnected from reality or they just didnt care; WHY would they even make an entire sequel dedicated to one problematic ship that isnt even liked by the majority of the fandom (SessRin) , while basically shitting all over the most popular one (Inukag) ? What did they think would happen? xD Why would their sequel EVER be accepted with no issues with decisions like that?

I'm glad you think so well of my takes, querent! I don't personally think they're particularly insightful, but that's probably because they're native to my head, and might be obvious to me, but not anyone else.

On why Sunrise could have thought HNY as it came out was any kind of a good idea, the way I see it, there are a couple of possibilities. The first is just plain incompetence. We know that the lead writer of the show has a... bias toward these relationships, to put it nicely, and that he and his allies in the company have been trying to cultivate the audience's sensibilities in that direction for many years as well. They could genuinely have thought they had succeeded in convincing all of us to support the ship, leading to a bungle.

The second possibility, however, is that the show was calculated to be unpalatable or cause an uproar. That might SEEM counterintuitive from this side of the problem, because we as fans tend to think our tastes need to be catered to, or at least soothed, in order for our viewership to be secured. I myself thought at the beginning of this debacle that Sunrise would have to tiptoe around the issue to maintain as much of the audience as possible. Why would anyone accept an addition that twisted and ruined their favorite media?

But with more and more outright insulting remakes/sequels coming out that seem to miss the point entirely or even make a mockery of elements of stories beloved by fans, I'm starting to think it's all done on purpose. Sunrise is one thing, but DISNEY does this a lot, and never seems to flinch at the backlash. You'd think by now these companies would figure out what they've been doing wrong and fix it, but that's only if they've been doing things WRONG by their measurements.

Research has been coming out recently that suggests we engage more with content on social media that pisses us off than the stuff we actually like. Incendiary posts spread like wildfire and produce arguments miles long because denouncing things that are distasteful and offensive to us has become the core of internet existence. This is especially exacerbated regarding content to do with identity and affirmations of such: race, creed, sex, orientation, political affiliation, and yes, fandom.

We engage with fiction that really appeals to us on the level of identity, because the whole reason we get into it in the first place is we see something in it that we identify with. Something deeply personal stands out to us in it, intended by the creator or not, and we adopt it as a part of us and a reflection of who we are. We buy merchandise and consume new content as a way to reaffirm our affinity for the aspects of the media we have internalized. We OWN it; it is OURS.

So it feels personal whenever someone says something disparaging toward our favorite media. It feels even MORE personal when an official source of content contradicts the source material and the way things were understood by ourselves and our community, or presents an immoral twisted picture of it. We rage against anything that hurts the image of the source material because it's also OUR image, and we have to defend it as part of ourselves. Out comes the disavowal, the vocal rejections, the attempts to shame and withdraw support from the company. And this of course bumps up engagement and the numbers for the content and studio.

Online, attention is currency, and getting the most attention often means raising a LOT of ire and tempers over hot-button issues. It's just good business sense to troll away and make people angry these days.

As conspiratorial as it might seem, I think there's a good chance HNY was written for the algorithm rather than to actually appeal to an audience. Considering how Sunrise has yet to actually give development and definition to the controversial pairing in question, and their affiliate manga artist characterized the show as one of many possible futures, they're not really endearing themselves to the shippers anymore either. That might change in the second season, if they're willing to risk their distribution deals and such, but if not, I'd say universal frustration might have been the goal.

Whatever gets the outrage points, I guess.

[companionship]

okay one big post to get the finale out of my system! it's been lovely reading all of your analyses and reactions, and looking at all your amazing gifs and edits :')

fair warning: this is going to be so stinking long omfg

the things i enjoyed:

vincenzo remaining an anti-hero through and through, especially the fact that he didn't hold back at all when it came to myunghee and hanseok's death. he gave them a taste of their own medicine and then some forreal, their deaths were brutal but oddly satisfying, and i'm saying this as someone who usually hates violence/gore. throughout the show, they've always hinted at what he was Truly Capable Of and boy did we get to see it

vincenzo fumbling in hanseok's house and not being his usual self – a lot of people thought it was ooc, which i understand! i felt like that was the Point, to show that for once, he's not the invincible mafia consigliere that everyone thinks he is. what he did to the man who killed his mother and the army of security guards was a reaction, but this is the first time he's flustered, caught at a disadvantage, and faced with the very real possibility that he might lose somebody incredibly important to him. idk it made him more human to me

vincenzo literally not hesitating for even 0.1 seconds to fold his entire body around hers when he thought hanseok was going to shoot again – yeah that whole bit made my heart clench i feel like a crazy person i won't get over it

the chayenzo hospital scene... my god it was so tender my heart broke. the laugh they both shared, out of sheer relief that she's okay. the little joke about paying for the private room. the way not much was being said, but everything was being said at once. the way they looked at each other, as if it wouldnt ever be enough :( the quiet acceptance that this is their last night together, and that he's going to have to kill a bunch of people after this, but for now they have this. for however brief.

chayoung being chayoung – her big ass personality at the courtroom at the end after winning ms oh's case. her hopping around in those heels, looking elegant and sleek, mocking the hell out of rich conglomorates. she's in her element again and it made me so, so happy to see. i absolutely adore her, she's everything really. after all that loss and the whole ordeal, i'm glad she's able to return to what she does best: putting capitalists back in their place

mr lee being Very Much Not Dead – idk how i wouldve been able to handle it after witnessing hanseo's death like im glad he got the chance to be a dad

the kiss – my god....

the things i didn't like:

hanseo's death – lmao is it even a surprise... say what you will about his death being foreshadowed, but i really just hated hated it. i hate that hanseok won this one. i hate that hanseo worked so hard to redeem himself, only to lose it all. i hate that he was given a taste of what a real family was like, and then having it taken away so cruelly. even though i said above that i didn't mind that vincenzo was ooc at the mansion, i was still screaming at the screen because there were plenty of opportunities for the situation to be reversed. i don't necessarily blame vincenzo for hanseo's death, but i do wish that they had a funeral scene for him. i wish they acknowledged his sacrifice, and how pivotal he was in turning the tables. if not for hanseo, vincenzo really couldn't have pulled any of this off, from the interpol tipoff to the tracking device in the watch. idc idc hanseo is in malta rn, enjoying the sun and the beach, going to therapy, and teaching the local kids how to play hockey even though there's no ice :(

chayoung being bedridden the whole finale – like... NAH lmao this aint it chief... if things went my way, she wouldve gotten out of the hospital depite her injury and dealt with myunghee before handing her off to vincenzo. i loved their animosity for each other, and i wanted chayoung to be the one at myunghee's apartment waiting for her, rubbing it into her face. i wanted chayoung to verbally finish myunghee with that sharp ass tongue of hers and really dump a load of salt on her wounds. then vincenzo could do whatever the hell he wanted. you could argue that the show is called Vincenzo but i really dont care lmao it started with chayoung avenging her dad and she should've been able to strike the final blow. also what was her big second party? are we really just going to ignore her capacity for evil? after all that moral work done, after that time she spent coming to terms with using evil to combat evil, we're just going to... keep her bedridden? park jaebum u will pay for this

vincenzo losing his family – besides hanseo's death, i think this was what i hated the most from the ending. the start of the show showed us vincenzo's departure from the mafia with the very clear intention of Not Returning. the capo died, his loyalties lie with no one, paolo can suck it. throughout the show, we see him repeat over and over that he wants to get the gold and skip off to malta to enjoy a peaceful life there, while reflecting/repenting for the things he's done. vincenzo was gearing up for a lifetime of solitude. the whole point of the show was for him to find a real family and have a real chance at happiness. park jaebum really said FUCK THAT! we're gonna have him ditch the family that he built from scratch with the love of his life and then make him return to the family that tried to kill him AND make him the capo... pjb said we're gonna separate vincenzo from the family that accepts his past and sees it as a strength and not a weakness. the family that was formed out of solidarity, the family that he fought for and fought alongside with blood, sweat and tears. not to mention the goddaughter of his? sorry i would laugh if it didn't actually rile me up so bad

vincenzo not being able to come back to korea – i've said this in another post of mine, but given that he is The Vincenzo Cassano with all those resources at his disposal (guillotine file, mr ahn/mr cho/the chief etc.), the fact that he isnt even able to stay in korea for 30 fuckin minutes after finishing hanseok was ridiculous. the whole police chase was dumb as hell considering that the show has managed to stop politicians and mf presidential candidates from going after him like ? huh LMAO park jaebum had an on-demand pigeon army in this show and Yet he can't stop like 10 suddenly-righteous policemen. another big ass HUH

chayenzo (here we go...):

NOPE! i've reflected on the ending and decided that i'm going to be petty and salty for a while more before coming to terms with it

i can rationalise and try to be positive and tell myself that their love is enduring can transcend space and time and that in due time, they will find their way back to each other, and i have no doubt that they will because they're one soul in two bodies. it's quite literally canon that they're soulmates.

but let me wallow for a second

here we have two people who have done questionable and terrible things in their past coming together, growing together, grieving together, fighting together... you get the gist of it. you have two people who have found a home in each other. two people who, for all intents and purposes, were about to live in a whole lot of bitterness and solitude if not for each other and the life they built together (chayoung didn't have friends like that, and her family is gone too). to separate them like that at the very end is cruel. i know chayoung and vincenzo are mature and incredible and will be able to function without the other next to them. i know that they will still excel as lawyers and will defeat evil with their underhand methods the way they do so well but my god are they going to feel the absence and miss each other

my point is that they shouldn't have to. from what i could tell, they can't even communicate on a regular basis bc he'll be tracked and whatnot, hence the postcards. a postcard every month is a poor substitute for all those nights they stayed up drinking makgeolli and celebrating their wins. its a shitty replacement for coffee dates and fist bumps and all the moments in between. after everything they've been through, after literally fighting to death for their family, they don't deserve this. they don't deserve to meet up once a year for a couple of hours. they don't deserve pockets of time in malta or korea, their life in a perpetual countdown to when they're going to see each other next

they both deserve love and some semblance of peace (finally finally). they both deserve to have someone to come home to after a hard day of work, because doing what they do cannot be easy. they both deserve a family, deserve to have someone next to them that accepts their past and would embrace their future. they both deserve a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. i know they will still be It for each other despite the distance, i just wish the distance didn't even exist in the first place bc its stupid and cruel and their love shouldnt have to be proven or tested with time and space. let them stay together. let them grow together. let them be.

side note: song joongki and jeon yeobeen need another project together idc take it up with god

tl;dr: park jaebum u will be paying for my therapy bills

[hungwy]

it never fully occurred to me that people actually don’t like music. music IS to me a hallmark of existence and it means a lot to me and goes straight to my soul and all that dumb stuff so it’s really interesting for me to hear that some people just think music is music and it doesn’t matter that much. i’m not trying to sound condescending right now i’m like genuinely fascinated at how different of an opinion about something like music can be. that shits brazy bro

yeah its interesting to think about our consumption of music as relative to our personal experiences and culture. many people have enough musical experience to be moved by it. music is a lot like language in that you dont implicitly understand the rules of how to comprehend it, but through enough experience with music you do gain a sizeable vocabulary and understanding to appreciate different songs, albums, artists, genres, etc. you dont have to understand the circle of fifths or whether or not there was a modal interchange in the jazz solo (there probably was) to understand why a piece might sound happy or sad or mysterious -- our emotional understanding of music can largely be chocked up to constantly reinforced associations, just like language. these are all “words” and “phrases” for a larger musical language with many, many dialects, and you need to be exposed to music for quite some time to learn it. music isnt always so complex, either; some cultures might use set beats, patterns, and notes that they rotate around, never straying far away from the original contents of the “song”. some will have event-specific songs like for funerals or birthday parties. some cultures might have a completely different and highly complex musical theory that you will only "get” with years and years listening experience.

but frankly its all too possible to not be interested in music. sometimes you just dont want the experience -- you have to hear it, focus on it, notice how it changes or doesnt change or what genre it is or what the lyrics could mean or maybe its in a language you dont understand or maybe the voice is too weird to tell or maybe theres no voice at all and youre focusing on how the different instruments might play predictable or unpredictable chords or how the song in general subverts or conforms to your expectations or maybe youre just desperately trying to focus on something else and you really dont need to be distracted by something so pounding, screeching, whooping, drowsy energetic fresh old springy light heavy grating whatever. its easy to be overwhelmed by the complexity that can come with music and some people just prefer silence. and if youre going to have it playing in the background and not focus, maybe its just better to turn it off.

as mentioned before the natural world is, for some people, filled with enough noise. for others they may only prefer to hear music in certain settings or by certain people. for many people the context in which music can be played is particularly universal. for others its kind of annoying to have music playing all the time. it would be interesting to see how much music people from previous decades actually listened to -- my gut feeling is that before the invention of radio it was probably a lot less. in other cultures throughout history music was restricted to special occasions or spaces. artists have always been entangled in politics and social norms; sometimes certain types of music could only be played in the king’s court, or at a funeral, or to woo your lover. then there's the endlessly argued topic of what constitutes as music.

i think its fine if music is really important to you. its like gardening or knitting or writing; it can be casual or highly involved or you may not even do it. people dedicate their identities to all sorts of things and music is a pretty common one in this day and age. but realizing that music has a time and a place -- and that time and place being personally, communally, and culturally relative -- makes for good self-reflection, i think!

[americankimchi]

ok and I GET the concept of attachments leading to vulnerability and therefore weakness but to impose that on a CHILD who so desperately needs a family, someone he could bond with, its honestly tragic. and since qui gon isnt there to do it anymore it falls on obi wan, whos basically a kid himself, whos dealt with rejection his whole life, and how can you expect him to provide anything, much less mentor a padawan?? idk i just have so many FEELINGS abt this and can’t put it into proper words lol

okay you know what i think that’s on qui gon because why!!! would you make the decision to rip a child away from his home like that so quickly!!! i get that they were making a movie and thus needed to speed things along for pacing reasons but COME ONNNNN

i feel like if it wasn’t restricted for movie reasons it would have gone down very differently. difference being: hey, maybe we don’t rip anakin away from his mom and leave not only his mom still in slavery but also punt a tiny child directly into a warzone.

hear me out

so assuming qui gon decides not to take anakin with him (at that moment in time because anakin is still going to be heading to the order just in a more meticulous fashion) right after meeting the skywalkers on tattooine, he still needs to get off planet. so he does the whole race thing yadda yadda he gets the engine and they take off

so here’s where it diverges: anakin stays on tattooine and never goes to naboo.

(bro this got so long i had to put it under a cut omfg)

but cindy!! you might say, leaving anakin on tattoine??? stuck in slavery??? how could you!!!

YES, but this is a temporary thing, just stay with me for a second

padme disagrees but relents because qui gon says he’ll come back for the boy when he’s not, you know, neck deep in the middle of tense wartime negotiations that could trigger a full scale onslaught at any moment. that’s no place to bring a small child into no matter how powerful in the force he is.

qui gon heads back to the council, gives his report, and then mentions anakin. mentions his fuckin. midichlorian count. which is still so ridiculous to me oh my god the midichlorian is the powerhouse of the force i GUESS

anyways

the council still disapproves, but qui gon makes the case that even if they don’t believe him about the chosen one thing it’s still dangerous to leave such a powerful force user out there untrained and vulnerable to the stresses and traumas of slavery. what if he turns to the dark side??? he’ll have ample reasons to if he’s stuck there, and the amount of destruction he could unleash by being untrained and powerful is unspeakable!! qui gon, being the master diplomat he is, even if he is constantly butting heads with the council, could probably convince them of the importance of at least meeting the child. hell, it’s not as if they haven’t broken people free from slavery before it’s honestly jedi basic training at this point

so the council agrees on the condition that qui gon is not allowed to personally mentor the boy because as it stands now he’s too close to the situation, too eager which honestly??? might have been a good chunk of the reason why the council was so against it in the first place. qui gon pushed for it too hard and for no real solid reason. and for fuck’s sake qui gon your padawan is right there

obi wan, awkwardly shuffling on his feet like..... yeah i’m here too master

SPEAKING OF OBI WAN

imagine how gutting it must be to hear that your master wants to get rid of you for the newer, younger model. like at this point obi wan is so used to this shit. abandonment? by qui gon??? it’s more likely than you think,

and obi wan’s ALLL ready to be like “yeah okay. i’ll just. go over here then i guess. fuck me for thinking that you respected me as a person or anything lmao right”

and qui gon’s just “ah fuck. i can’t believe i’ve done this”

anyways hand waves qui gon explaining his reasoning to obi wan and saying that he just wants to ensure that the boy gets the training he needs and obi wan understanding but asking if he really thinks he’s ready to be a knight genuinely or if he’s just saying that to get him out of the way and wow that thought actually hurt a bit lol!!! no problem though qui gon whatever you want haha i’ll just... be in pain. over here. ((:

and qui gon being like, “honestly obi wan the only reason you’re not actually knighted is because i cherish your companionship and i don’t want to let you go” because ANAKIN ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WITH ATTACHMENT ISSUES CASE IN POINT: MY MANS JINN

let’s be honest obi wan could’ve been knighted ages ago. the only reason he hasn’t been is because the master dictates when that step should be taken and qui gon wasn’t ready to let his surrogate son go.

anyways RECONCILIATION WHOO kicks that insecurity off of obi wan’s already weary shoulders because that gnarly bit of tension could’ve been avoided so easily with just a simple conversation!! wow!!! communication can do wondrous things who! would! have! known!!!!!

anyways

they get to naboo. how do they beat the trade federation without anakin? the force works in mysterious ways alright it happens they win boom.

now, onto qui gon. in this au qui gon lives because of that healthy bit of communication up there that went down. see that conversation? where they affirm how important they (qui gon and obi wan) are to each other? and how that bond was repaired and confirmed between their leaving coruscant and fighting maul on naboo and thus their harmonious fighting wasn’t impaired by that underlying resentment and betrayal and tension??? TELLING YOUR KIDS THAT YOU LOVE AND RESPECT THEM CAN DO AMAZING THINGS WITH YOUR ABILITY TO COORDINATE WITH THEM IN THE FIELD IMAGINE THAT

coughs

so they fight maul and maul gets turned into maul 1 and maul 2 and qui gon almost gets got but is saved just in time by his padawan who is!! right there with him!!! because qui gon WAITS 5 SECONDS FOR HIM TO CATCH UP so they can F I G H T  T O G E T H E R. qui gon has a permanent limp and an ache in his spine that never really goes away but he’s ALIVE TO SEE THE NEXT SUNRISE BABEY

celebrations happen. and the most important bit of all here: palpatine never meets anakin on naboo.

why would he? anakin’s not fuckin there mate!!! maul wouldn’t even know anything about anakin because qui gon never bothered to take him with them to coruscant and maul was chasing the delegation from naboo, not going hunting for babies in the tatooinian sands

/kicks the palpatine was anakin’s experimental force daddy theory to the curb because. i don’t like it that’s why. suck it dickpatine.

ANAKIN NEVER MEETS PALPATINE!! ripples in the fucking pond babey

qui gon and obi wan ask a boon of padme, that boon being “hey can you give us truly disgusting amounts of money so we can go free those delightful people we had to leave behind on tatooine due to the fact that we were on a time crunch and also ripping people away from a familiar environment without a stable plan of action to provide them a better quality of life is actually called, as the professionals say, a dick move.”

and padme’s like “um fuck yeah here’s some cash let me know how this goes and give anakin and shmi my love”

SO OFF THEY GO TO TATOOINE TO FREE THE SKYWALKERS. shmi tags along to the temple because why wouldn’t she. she wants to see where her son is going to be going. she also pesters qui gon and obi wan constantly about the order and its philosophies and etc. etc. and subsequently gets a crash course in jedi doctrine that anakin also gets to sit in on and you know, educate himself on.

“we want you to know that being a jedi is a choice. being a jedi is a religion unto itself.” they say

“but it’s a set of philosophies that are meant to at its core help others live happy and free lives?” anakin (and shmi) ask

“that’s a very very very large generalization but i guess for the purposes of this conversation that could be seen as true. from a certain point of view,” they respond. qui gon then lets obi wan loose on his musings about the code because the code is simple, and complex in its simplicity, and how the beliefs of the jedi should be taken very seriously because it reflects their connection to the force and by extension the world around them etc. etc.

anakin makes it to the temple. anakin knows (at least a little) what it means to be a jedi. it’s not all light sabers and noble battles and fighting the good fight. it’s about sacrifice and humility and nobility and above all kindness and empathy and loving all things, great and small, and not letting your personal hatreds cloud your judgement even if it takes all your strength to do so

and most importantly to anakin: no attachments.

and that’s what anakin struggles with the most. that never changes. but this time shmi is there to explain it to him, and coming from shmi, the most important person in the world, makes it stick

“it doesn’t mean you love me less,” shmi explains. “it just means you don’t love everyone else less because you love me. it means not loving me to the exclusion of all else. it means love, but for everyone. for everything.”

and then the two jedi reaffirm that it’s a choice. it’s always about choice. you can’t be a jedi without choosing to be one, it’s not something that can be forced. either you believe in the lifestyle, or you don’t. simple as that.

“can i leave if i want to” anakin asks.

“yes. of course you can, any time.” qui gon responds.

“not sure why you would want to though, being a jedi is kind of super cool” obi wan adds, with a wink.

but anakin isn’t a jedi yet. he’s not even an initiate. he doesn’t want to leave his mom, not until he knows she’s safe. he wants to be a jedi he burns with the need to be a jedi, but he’s not sure if he can be a jedi. not the way that was explained to him anyways. but that’s okay because he has the time to decide!!! there are no sith lords breathing down his neck!!! he has two (2) in the flesh examples of what jedi can do, what jedi are, what they can accomplish in the world!!! most of all he has his mother there, supporting him either way!!!

maybe he does go into the order. maybe he does ultimately choose that life for himself. maybe he does manage to untangle himself from the snarls of attachment and apply himself wholeheartedly to the ways of the jedi. he might even succeed this time since palpatine has no fucking CLUE anakin’s even there!!! he’s not nine years old and freshly braided and attached at the hip to a mourning brand new knight, he’s nine years old and trying to figure out how the fuck you levitate off the ground with your legs crossed under you while his crechemates balance things onto his nose!!!

and you know what!! maybe he chooses to leave the order because it’s not for him, but this time he’s got enough stability in his life, in the way that he manages and examines his feelings, that he’s not a threat to himself and those he loves. maybe he becomes a mechanic and lives a nice, simple life with his aging mother and becomes penpals with a pretty girl from naboo. WHO KNOWWWSSS

and that’s important for anakin: knowing that it’s always a choice always his choice and that he never has to have anyone tell him who he can and cannot be because he is his own master now he has full autonomy and the jedi cannot and will not take that away from him

this got so long oh my god i just have so many THOUGHTS

qui gon taking anakin like that in tpm was such a rushed decision my man can you CHILL AND THINK

anyways,,,,, that’s all thank u for coming with me on this journey,,,,,,,

[kpop---scenarios]

The Break (1)

Pairing: Idol! Jooheon x Idol! Y/N

Warning: Smut

Word Count: 4.9k

Hands on his knees, Jooheon attempted to calm himself down, which was proving to be more difficult than usual. His head was spinning, his anxiety through the roof and a panic attack was quickly approaching. He used to get extremely excited doing a performance, but lately he was struggling, and struggling hard. He knew he needed to go on stage right now, he needed to give their fans 100% but he wasn't in the right state of mind, not the usual one he was always in anyways. 

He knew what he needed to do, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. How could he possibly take a break when they were beginning all these new projects, performances, shows and promotions. He felt like he was abandoning his group, but he couldn't go on like this. He needed to talk to them, now. 

Jooheon managed to somehow get through the show, faking a smile while he just wanted to crawl in his bed and not have anything to worry about. Be alone, clear his head, frankly be able to breathe. Lately his chest felt restricted constantly, it was caving in and he couldn't take it. 

He gathered the rest of the members in the living room of their door, standing in front of them while they all looked at him with concerned eyes.

"What's going on?" Shownu asked. Jooheon could hear the worry in his voice. 

He took a deep breath, rubbing his sweaty hands together. "I need to take a break from the group for a bit" he whispers. 

"Are you okay?" Minhyuk asks. 

"Do what you need to do man, we'll support you." Changkyun smiles. 

Honestly, Jooheon was surprised at their support. Although he wasn't that surprised. They always have had each other's back no matter what, and supported each other during trying times. But he thought they would have been frustrated at home for backing out of everything they've been working on. He was happy they weren't. 

"Any thoughts on what you're going to do?" Kihyun asks. 

Jooheon is silent for a moment. "Sleep, do relaxing shit, try and clear my mind." He says, "I'll probably be in the studio, just working on whatever I want. Not having to worry about a deadline or if it's going to be approved." 

"Take all the time you need. We'll be here when you're ready." Shownu says, standing up to give Jooheon a hug. Next thing he knew, all the members had surrounded him, joining in on the group hug. 

He was lucky. 

** 

Opening your mailbox, you were terrified to see an envelope from Starship Ent. This was your last shot, you'd received rejection letters from all other major companies. 

This was it. The moment you'd find out if your life was changing to become a trainee, or if your life won't change and your dream of becoming a singer would remain just that, a dream. 

"You got it babe, this will be it." Your boyfriend Jiyong tells you. 

Forcing a smile at him, your shaky hands begin opening the envelope, your heart practically beating outside your chest. 

"Dear L/N Y/N" you read out loud before quietly reading the rest to yourself. 

"Well!?" Jiyong asks impatiently. 

You drop the letter along with dropping to your knees. The tears are instant, crying into your hands. Crying so hard you're unable to respond to Jiyong. 

"Oh baby." He sighs, kneeling down beside you, his hand rubbing your back. "It's okay. You can try again next year. Just practice hard." He whispers in an attempt to reassure you. 

"No." You whisper. "I got in." 

"What?" He asks, shocked. 

"I got it!" You scream, standing up, now jumping around, adrenaline rushing through your body. 

While you were celebrating, you didn't notice Jiyong not celebrating with you, but instead looking confused and a little annoyed. But when you turned around to hug him, he turned on his happy face, making sure you didn't know his true feelings. He just wanted you to be happy but he knew how much your relationship would suffer now. 

And he wasn't wrong. 

You had to move out and into a community type dorm, leaving the bed you once shared with him empty and cold. Your relationship had to be kept hidden due to the no relationships clause. He never saw you and whenever he did it was only for a few minutes at a time, and all you did was scope out the location to make sure none of the other girls followed you.

He was tired of it. It was a rough first 2 months. 

You knew he was upset and you felt terrible about it. You never meant to make him feel neglected or unloved, so you knew you needed to do something to show him you truly did love him.

You had a day off coming up, and you spent the majority of your free time planning a nice surprise for Jiyong. You were going to pick up his favorite meal and his favorite movie and spend the day with him. Just you and him, like old times. 

** 

Your day off was finally here and you were already on your way to your once shared house. You used your key, entering the house as quietly as possible. You make your way to the kitchen, setting down the food and the movie before sneaking upstairs. 

Standing outside the bedroom door, you can hear a female moaning, but nothing from your boyfriend. You wait a few minutes, listening for your boyfriend. Maybe it wasn't him. Maybe he rented out the room to someone and it was her who was fucking someone else. 

You still needed to know. 

Grabbing the doorknob you slowly turn it, making sure to be quiet. The door opens a crack, but no one notices. 

You open it a little more. You see your busty, curvy neighbour Jae-In riding someone's face. You hoped it wasn't him, but you knew it was. You could tell by his tattoo's. They were very distinct. 

"What the actual fuck?" You yell, your eyes wide. You can't look away. You never thought he would do this to you, you thought you knew him, but then again do you ever really know anyone? 

You held back your tears, you weren't about to cry in front of the smug bitch who was looking at you like she just ruined you and Jiyong looking for his boxers. "Y/N wait! Please wait!" He yells. 

You roll your eyes, slamming the door behind you, running down the stairs and away from this house, and the man you once loved. 

Before you're able to reach the handle of the front door, Jiyong grabs your wrist, pulling you back towards him. "Please wait." He begs. "Let me explain." 

"No need for explanations. It was pretty clear what was going on." You snap. 

"Do you know why I cheated? Do you!?" He yells. "Because of you! You disappeared! You weren't around anymore. Was I supposed to wait forever?" He asks. 

You can't control your laughter. How could you have ever been with someone who didn't support your dreams. It was all becoming clear now. 

"You never wanted me to get into Starship did you?" You ask. 

"What? Of course I.." he says before being cut off. 

"You tried to tell me everything I'd miss if I went. How homesick I would be, how much I would miss you and my friends. Just admit it." You say, finally piecing the puzzle together. "You only didn't want me to go because you wouldnt have a guaranteed fuck anymore, that's it isnt it?" You snap. 

"No baby, that's not it! It was a mistake. I'm sorry. I just miss you." He cries, one single tear rolling down his cheeks. 

"You sure have a shitty way of showing it. I'm done. Enjoy Jae-In." You say, turning around and walking out the front door, but not before giving him the finger before you slam it. 

** 

It had been 3 weeks since you'd caught Jiyong and he would not give up. Your phone constantly was lighting up with phone calls and texts from him. So much that your instructors were beginning to question your commitment. 

You quickly blocked his number, not wanting anything more to do with him. If you were going to debut you needed to place all your focus on your dancing and singing. 

** 

Jooheon sat in his studio, the silence was deafening. He wasn't used to being in here alone, he usually always had someone in there interrupting his work. 

It was nice to focus, but it was also a little lonely. This is what he wanted though. He needed this time to reflect, get back to himself, the man who was all about the music. He had started to become someone he didn't recognize. He couldn't stop thinking about how he was changing and how he didn't like the change. That's when his anxiety began to be more frequent, then the depression struck like a bolt of lightning. It came out of nowhere. 

He knew his break would be hard on not only him but the group and the fans. It didn't help that Wonho was under fire for some things and announced his departure from the group. Jooheon knew they would both be back but they just needed some time. He had planned a short break, maybe a few weeks to clear his head and come back with some new amazing songs, but what he didn't know was that his break would end up being much longer due to one thing. 

You. 

You were a spitfire with an angelic face, and a hell of an attitude. You had a voice that could make anyone's jaw drop along with the confidence most wished they had. 

The first time you and he met, he had come into the trainee room with Shownu to assess and help in any way they could. The moment he laid his eyes on you, he knew you were something special. He watched you laugh as you easily picked up the choreography that Shownu had been throwing around. His jaw dropped as you sang a requested song, your voice was amazing. His heart fluttered as you mastered a difficult rap on the first try. 

You were a triple threat. You were dangerous but he knew he wanted more. 

**

A few weeks later he had convinced the CEO of Starship to come down to the trainee room and see you. He knew you were ready to debut and once Kim Shidae saw you, he would know it too. Even in the presence of the CEO you still shined brightly like the star you were. You were amazing and Shidae knew it too. 

That evening you were called into the boardroom where your training instructors sat, along with the CEO. Honestly, you were nervous that this was them telling you, you weren't good enough and they were going to be cutting you. 

Nervously you sat down, your fingers fidgeting against the small amount of sweat on your palms. Normally you were extremely confident but a meeting like this doesn't just happen for no reason in your first year. 

"Good afternoon Y/N. How are you today?" Shidae asked. 

"I'm good sir, and you?" You reply, trying to force the lump in your throat away. 

"I'm good, thanks." He responds, not looking you in the eyes but instead sifting through a pile of papers. "Now, the reason we called you here is because I reviewed your progress today." 

"Just me?" You ask. 

"Yes just you. Someone whose instincts I trust told me I needed to see you and so I did." He says, looking up at you. His face was neutral. He didn't look happy nor upset. This was making you feel extremely uneasy. 

"Okay.." you say, taking in a very deep breath. 

"We all firmly believe that you are done as a trainee." He tells you, interlocking his fingers and now looking you in the eyes. 

Your heart sank, they were kicking you out. You truly thought you were doing fine, maybe even better than fine. Why was this happening? 

"Was it something.." you begin before being cut off. 

"We would like to start promoting you and getting you ready for a solo debut." He smiles. 

Your jaw drops. They were going to debut you, only almost a year into being a trainee. 

"I.. wow.. I'm.. " you stutter, unable to form other words. 

"Your first single, we want it to be noticed and gain traction. So we've arranged you to have a rapper on your track to get it out there better. We have no doubt you're going to do amazing things." He tells you. 

"Thank you, thank you so much. I'll work hard. Who will I be working with?" You inquire. 

"Go to studio four and you'll see." He smiles. 

Your wobbly legs take you from the room and into the hallway where you try to catch your breath. This was the last thing you had ever expected to happen. 

While you were making your way to the studio, there was only 1 person you wanted to call and share your good news with. 

Jiyong.  

It's hard going from having that someone you can share anything with, to out of nowhere losing them. Losing your best friend, and your lover. 

You shook it off as you stood outside studio four, wondering who could be on the other side. Your hand reaches for the door knob, you turn it, slowly opening the door. You see a man sitting with his back facing you, bobbing his head to a beat. You clear your throat, letting him know you were there. The music stops and he turns around. 

Jooheon. Lee Jooheon of Monsta X was going to rap on your very first single. 

You thought you were going to faint. 

You had been a huge fan of Monsta X since their debut and thought that Jooheon was one of the best rappers in the industry currently. 

"Oh my.. um hi." You nervously laugh, reaching your hand out. 

"Hi Y/N. It's nice to finally meet you." Jooheon smiles, ignoring your hand and pulling you in for a hug instead. "I'm a big fan." He smiles, letting you go. 

"You? You are a fan of mine?" You ask, shocked. 

He laughs. "Of course. Shownu and I were only supposed to be there that one day." He admits. 

"But you were there for weeks?" You say, raising your eyebrow. 

"Because of you." He admits, a blush spreading across his face. "Your talent is amazing, you're beautiful and honestly I was and still am mesmerized by you. I think you're going to go far." He admits. 

"Wow." You laugh. "Thank you. Well I'm also a huge fan. Have been since No Mercy." You smile. 

"Oh god, let's avoid that conversation." He laughs. "So.. here what I was thinking for the song.." 

** 

A few weeks later you were ready. The song you and Jooheon created was done and amazing. The choreography was done and mastered. Your music video with him was finished and was dropping at midnight. 

You were terrified. Starship and Jooheon, as well as you had been promoting and teasing parts of the song for so long, trying to get people excited about you. 

And so far the response was amazing. So many people had already decided to support you without even hearing your song. 

You and Jooheon sat nervously in front of his laptop in his dorm, waiting for it to drop. The two of you watched the clock count down each minute closer to midnight, making your stomach's knots become tighter. 

At midnight you received the notification. 

Y/N ft. Jooheon - Vibe

Within seconds you noticed the likes, views and comments flooding in. 

'Omg love her!' 

'This is amazing. I love her and Jooheon together!' 

'Amazing song.' 

You couldn't believe how many people liked the song that you and Jooheon worked so hard on. So many people are sending you positive and congratulatory messages, including someone you no longer wanted to hear from. 

'I'm so proud of you. I miss you. Call me.' 

You couldn't understand why he chose now to reach out to you. Now that you had finally debuted but not while you were a trainee. 

You deleted the message. 

No matter how much you tried to ignore his advances, Jiyong would not stop calling or texting you. Begging and pleading for you to call him back. You were trying to move on, and move on with Jooheon who had expressed quite a bit of interest in you, and you felt the same. 

But Jiyong just couldn't let you be happy. 

Finally when he called again, you answered this time. 

"What?" You snap. 

"Is that how you greet your boyfriend?" He chuckles. 

"Ex boyfriend, who cheated on me. So yeah that's how you're greeted. So again, what?" You snap again. 

"Listen, it was a mistake. I deeply regret my actions and I want to make it up to you." He sighs. "Please let me try." 

You couldn't control your laughter. "What happened? Did Jae-In leave you? Is that why you're reaching out now? Or is it because I've finally debuted and you're craving being in the spotlight?" You ask. "Actually, don't answer because I don't actually give a fuck Jiyong. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Leave me alone." You finish before hanging up the phone. 

You hoped that would be the end of it. 

You were wrong. 

He continued to call you and text you. You blocked his number to prove that you were serious but he just continued from different numbers. 

**

A few days later, the calls had lessened a little but not by much. You were getting more agitated but not enough to tell Jooheon about it. The two of you were a fresh friendship leading into being a couple, you didn't want to mess it up by complaining that your ex boyfriend wouldn't leave you alone. That was too much baggage to dump on him. 

He still found out anyways. The two of you were sitting in his studio messing around with some lyrics and beats when your phone rang again. 

"You sure you don't want to get that?" He asks.

"I'm positive." You sigh. 

"You can talk to me if you want. I hope you know that." He says with a smile. 

You sighed, fighting an internal battle. You wanted him to know about your psycho ex but was it too early? 

No. But your mouth blabbed about it anyways, against your will. 

"It's my ex." You begin. "He's been non stop calling and texting me since I debuted." You say, beginning to feel relieved. 

"You broke up with him recently?" Jooheon asks. 

"2.5 months into being a trainee.. I went to surprise him at our old shared house before I moved out.. he had the neighbor girl riding his face when I walked in." You explain. Now talking about it, it didn't hurt anymore. Not like it used too. "So I hadn't spoken to him in like a year and then I debuted and he tried to hit me up and hasn't stopped. I've told him to stop, blocked his number but he keeps getting new ones to continue, it's exhausting." You say, throwing your head back in annoyance. 

"I can imagine. I'm sorry you have to deal with this." He partially smiles. "But at least you don't have to deal with it alone." 

"I don't?" You ask, raising an eyebrow. 

"No baby girl, you don't." He smirks, standing up from his chair. "You've got me now." He whispers, leaning over you as you sit in your chair still. 

"I thought we were just friends?" You smirk. 

"No no. You know I want to be more than friends." He smiles. You stand up, walking away from him moving to the soundboard. 

"We should be working." You whisper. 

"We could.. or we could do something a little more fun?" He suggests from behind you, pressing himself and his hard cock against you. 

You and Jooheon attended a showcase, not together but you talked as friends in front of people. You weren't ready to come out and announce your relationship. Especially since you were so new, you knew his fans would make it seem like you were only after him for exposure. 

You weren't. You really really liked him. 

** 

A few days later, you and Jooheon performed your new song at a Showcase, and the positive feedback the two of you got was completely amazing. 

As the showcase ended you left alone, making your way through the crowd of fans that hung out at the door waiting to see their favorite celebrities. You feel a hand on your wrist pulling you closer to the crowd. Looking up you're met with the familiar face of Jaein, Jiyong's girlfriend. Her grip on your wrist tightens as she glares into your eyes. 

"Stay the fuck away from Jiyong. You had your chance and now he's mine so back off." She snaps through gritted teeth. "Understand?" 

She let's go of your wrist, shoving you to continue walking. You see the stares and the whispers of other idols who witnessed the incident. You stop and turn to face her, pissed off because you're not the one doing anything. 

"How about you tell your man to stop calling me. Clearly your pussy isn't satisfying enough." You snap, now walking away to your van, while listening in the distance to the people praising your comeback. 

** 

The next day you were sitting in your studio, your head in your hands as you rubbed your temple. Jiyong was driving you fucking crazy. He had texted you off and on for the majority of the night. 

What did you say to Jae-In? 

She says she hates you

If you tell me to leave her, I will right now. 

You wanted to scream. 

When you woke up this morning, you had 27 missed calls from him. On your way to the studio he tried calling again. You wished you could just throw your phone out the window but unfortunately you couldn't risk someone getting a hold of it. So you turned it off, making it so no one could reach you. There was a weird sense of relief that came along in disconnecting from your phone. It was almost freeing. 

"You okay?" You hear from behind you, a voice that could melt your heart and make you smile anytime. 

Jooheon. 

"Yes.. no." You sigh. "Crazy ex and crazy ex's girlfriend." You say, turning your chair around to face him.

"I heard about your little altercation with her." Jooheon laughs. "That comeback was fire, babe." He laughs. "There's a video. Everyone is saying she looks psychotic. And they're all praising you." He smiles. 

"I feel kinda bad, but like I'm not trying to get him back. I don't want his toxic ass." You laugh. 

"Good. That's good." Jooheon says. 

"Why's that good?" You ask, just joking with him. 

"Because I want you. And I don't want you to want anyone else." Jooheon says with a serious face. 

"Well, lucky for you, I don't want anyone else. Just you." You smirk. 

"And how do you want me?" You ask. 

"Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I want all of you." He answers, licking his lips. 

You knew this was a dangerous game you were playing. You hadn't been sure in the past if you wanted to sleep with him yet or not, but the way you were playing now,not was setting up I for just that and surprisingly you were okay with it.

"How do you want me physically?" You ask, tilting your head to the side. 

"Stand up and I'll show you." He smiles. You stand to walk towards him. Once you reach him he immediately attaches his lips onto yours, guiding his tongue into your mouth without hesitation. You moan into the kiss as he wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you in closer. 

Jooheon turns himself around, his lips still on yours as he moves backwards to sit in the chair, motioning for you to climb onto his lap and straddle him. 

You'd never been so happy to wear a skirt. 

You begin to rock your hips back and forth, grinding your already wet pussy onto his growing hard cock.

“Oh baby, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to even just kiss you." He mumbles, his lips still close to yours.

Jooheon breaks the kiss, moving his head down to kiss your jawline, before moving down to your neck as you continue to slowly grind yourself on top of him. You throw your head back with a low moan escaping from your throat. Jooheon smirks at how little it takes to make you into a puddle. He slides you from his lap, leaving you standing in front of him with a pout on your lips, thinking he's stopping the fun here  

“Don’t pout baby." He chuckles. He grabs your hand and takes you to the sound board, motioning for you to sit on there. 

"Are you sure?" You ask, a small giggle escaping your lips. 

"I want to record your moans." Jooheon smirks. 

He wiggles in between your legs, giving you a small quick kiss on your lips before moving slowly down your neck, your collarbone, your chest. He unclasps your bra, throwing it to the side before cupping your perky breast and latching his lips to your nipple, sucking hard.

“Oh god" you cry now, feeling your clit throb, desperately needing some kind of touch. “Please." you beg.

"Of course." Jooheon smiles, pressing the record button before spreading your legs wide. 

Jooheon kneels down, moving your panties to the side before spreading your lips with his fingers.

He leans in licking a long slow strip up your pussy, causing you to melt in pleasure. He wraps his lips around your clit sucking harshly. Seconds later he let's go, before flicking it with this tongue, making you squirm beneath him. 

“You taste amazing.” He says before licking you again, licking up your juices. 

Jooehon pauses for a second, before sucking on your clit again, this time with zero intentions of stopping and teasing you. 

“Fuck yes, oh my god" you cry out, one hand resting on the the board, the other one gripping his blonde hair tightly. “Please don’t stop" you beg, feeling your orgasm approaching quickly.

Jooheon quickened his pace, his tongue moving around your clit sporadically. You grip his hair tighter as you cum all over his face. "Mhmm." He groans, releasing your clit to lick up the mess you made on your thighs.

“That was so fucking hot" he growled, standing up to pull his pants down.

“Do you have a condom?” he asks, before yanking them down.

“Don’t worry, I’m on birth control" you huff. You watch him pull his pants, along with his boxers down, letting his long, thick cock spring free. You gulp as you stare at the large muscle, more excited now than ever. 

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll go slow.. maybe.” he smiles, pumping himself a few times before lining himself up with you. 

He steps towards you, helping you place your legs over his shoulders, giving him better access to your pussy. 

Jooheon slowly pushed his large cock into you, causing you to cry out and moan in pleasure as he stretched you beyond belief. Your hands grip the board so tightly your knuckles begin to turn white.

Jooheon fully thrusts into you, filling you up completely.

“Fuck your pussy is so tight” he groans, pulling out of you half way before slamming himself back into you.

“Your cock feels so fucking good" you cry out. 

Jooheon throws his head back as he thrusts himself into you over and over again. You can feel your cum seeping out of you, coating his cock, and the surface beneath you. 

Jooheon continues to grunt as he rams his cock inside of you, hitting your G spot every time.

“Please don’t stop. Play with my clit" you beg needing to cum again. He takes his hand from your leg, placing it in-between your thighs and rubs his thumb over your clit.

“Oh fuck" you cry out, grinding yourself in sync with his thrusts. 

“I think I’m going to cum" you moan.

Jooheon's thumb works furiously, bringing your orgasm quicker. “Shit" you cry out, your body begins to tremble as it washes through your body. Your eyes roll back as extremely loud moans leave your mouth.

“Fuck baby" he moans, ramming himself into you, chasing his high now. “Shit I’m going to cum" he cries out. Jooheon reaches up, wrapping his large hand around your neck as he cums inside of you. 

The two of you remain there for a second, catching your breath. Right before Jooheon is able to pull himself out of you, the door to the studio opens widely and with a slam. 

Jiyong angrily walks in, having troubles comprehending the compromising position he had caught you in. 

"What are you doing to the love of my life?" He scoffs, staring at Jooheon. 

"Fuck off Jiyong." You spit, pulling Jooheon closer to you. 

"Oh this is him?" Jooheon asks, a humorous smile appearing on his face. 

"Yeah I'm him. You know, her husband." Jiyong scoffs. 

"Husband?" Jooheon asks, looking at your unimpressed face. 

"Oh my god. It's not even legal. We got 'married' in Vegas and he won't leave it alone." You explain. 

"Actually I checked, and it's very legal." Jiyong smirks. "You're my wife." 

You sit there, staring at Jiyong for a moment before whispering "shit." 

What do you do now?

[yeoldontknow]

🖊writerly conversation tag

tagged by @j-pping to do this amazing interview/reflections tag. of course she put together one of the most amazing tags ever because she is brilliant. thank you for tagging me angel! 

questions below the cut!

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year?

gosh...i think for me the hardest bit was staying both motivated and inspired. a lot of my inspiration comes from being out in the world. im an introvert but i enjoy being out in the city around the noise and the people and the buildings on my own. the majority of my writing used to be done while riding the subway or on a weekend after id gone out somewhere. a lot of my fics are inspired by locations, and experiences within those locations. being inside for the majority of the year made it hard for me to remember how...people interact with or relate to the spaces around them. so i felt like a lot of the time staying inspired was coming from places within just me that felt inauthentic. i think my writing benefits from my ability to see multiple perspectives, so i felt like a lot of dialogue or writing itself was suffering just coming from me alone. it took a lot of work to ensure that it wasnt like that. 

and then, motivation was also so hard. the internet and the news and everything about america, the planet, the everything was unrelenting and draining. we as people were privy to so much trauma this year, to the collapse and fracture of communities, lives, governments. there were several weeks at the end of may and into june where i just...couldnt. i had no energy for anything. it happened again in november after the election and the windfall of it. energetic tensions were so high it just felt so hard to push out words when things were breaking everywhere. like there were more important things i needed to focus on, and healing was one of them.

what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year?

i enjoyed the new community of writers/friends i found by writing for bts again. they challenged me and pushed me to better myself. @jamaisjoons is so inspirational in the way she generates community and encourages relationships between storytellers. doing the summer bucket list pushed me out of my hermit hole for camp nano, and i cranked out molotov cocktail and felt so proud of it. it mattered so much to me because it was the first long thing id written after a period of feeling deceased, and it was so enjoyable because there was a sense of community around it. its easy to forget how essential having a support system in your creative community is.

what piece has left the most impact on you and why?

probably ciperion. words cannot express how proud i am of that story and the direction its going in. i read it back sometimes and i realize that my writing was elevated because of that piece. tbh molotov was responsible for that lift, but ciperion was just a whole other tier. ive also never written anything like that story before and it felt so good exploring the themes of seafaring and pirates. 

what have you learned about yourself through the process of writing in the past year?

that i absolutely am someone who took for granted how inspiring the world is even if i see it as a stressor. but also that writing isnt necessarily about being inspired. its about pushing on when its hard. some of my best pieces came from that kind of push this year. 2020 felt like...a slog through most of it, but i kept pushing myself to write even when i was low and tired. i realized that some of my best writing comes from that push, when its not easy and when its difficult and i have to think harder. thats where i grow. 

how has your writing changed in the past year? how have you grown?

i think im more syntax and detailed focused than i used to be. lately ive been experimenting with making the act of reading feel like pleasure. my favourite books are the ones where i read a sentence, and im moved because it felt nice to read or it felt powerful. the sentence itself had power, not the image it was trying to convey. somehow separate, if that makes sense. theres a lot i need to learn before i could go off comfortably and try to write a book, and this is what ive been trying to master. my attention to detail has grown, and sometimes i think thats a detriment. i think sometimes im too detailed and i dont leave my reader enough power on their own. im still finding that balance, but i think im pleased right now with what im trying to push myself to master.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for?

ive had two books in my mind forever. one was originally being written as a fanfic in a different fandom before i stopped and realized its too big and so much more important, and is worth being a book id like to write. if i wrote an opus like this it would actually be a book id submit to publishers but ~

- hundreds of years in the future, society has learned how to cure most diseases. for those we cannot, the sick person can be cryogenically frozen for a period of time until a cure is found. there is, however, a limit to the length of time they are frozen. no one has ever been frozen for over 100 years, and the main character is a scientist embarking on the experiment to do just that. it is, effectively, time travel. the main character is rash, selfish, sarcastic - not a very nice person; invested in their work and science and little else. they freeze themselves and wake up in the future. during their time in rehab they have to confront the horror theyve made of themselves, the horror people have made of the future, learn to be vulnerable. they end up falling in love with another scientist etc etc. theres so much more to this story and the world is enormous. one day ill revisit it

- a fictional play on orpheus in the underworld where a female main character’s brother was sold by their mother to the goddess of the underworld (helena instead of hades) for eternal youth. the gods all live in a hotel (the concept of this main thing is being used in elysian fields but its not remotely the same) after they were removed from the heavens. main character (ophelia) must gather several totems from the gods to prove her worth and survive her trip into the underworld to rescue him. id like to not focus on a woman finding romance, and instead a woman finding herself, her strength, her devotion to family, her power, and connecting with her history.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year?

this year id like to find balance, like i mentioned above, with my need for detail and my trust in my readers. the balance between detail and dialogue. i want to try to condense my writing again so not everything is a goddamn series. the ideas i have are huge and thats great but i need to remember how to parse things again, while still maintaining impact.

what’s one thing you’d wish to see in the fan-writing community this year?

i want more community, in general. as a multi fan, i see pockets in the kpop fandom where it exists and im well and truly aware that its recently become incredibly hard to foster on the exo side. ill just say that. maybe i dont witness it or its happening amongst blogs i havent found or have not found me. i want to see less dialogue about ‘popular blogs,’ whatever that means; less focus on notes; less worries about statistics. i want people to remember that fandom is not about numbers, and the moment you make it about that is the moment you stop having fun. i want less fear from writers regarding sharing work they read and liked, less shame around it. i want to see more vocal communication for the things people like and don’t like, more engagement and more interaction. the concept of popular blogs is so ridiculous to me, because no one has any control over the metrics. no one has control over who follows them or reads their work except the person doing the actual reading. i want people to realize they hold so much power - a person with 10k notes has as much power as a person with 2 notes because sharing is what fosters community. i want this fandom to remember to share again.

name one new thing you want to try doing in your writing this year.

gosh i really love postmodernism in writing. think like mark z danielewski, who plays with the shapes of words or the act of holding a book - the physicality of it. id like to maybe write a choose your own adventure, or do something that encompasses multiple platforms. or even, more importantly, finish as still as sound and time runner. those are more reasonable goals. time runner actually is done, i just need to stop pressuring myself about it and edit it to get it up. asas, too, is largely done i just need to get my ass together. i have so many other ideas no one has ever seen i need to finish what ive started. thats a real goal.

tagging: @yehet-me-up @jamaisjoons @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @luffles424 @yoonia @shadowsremedy @chillingkoo @onherwings @inkedtae @ninibears-erigom @imdifferentshadesofpurple @readyplayerhobi @ditzymax @sugaurora @snackhobi @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @johobi and anyone else who wants to do this. as always please only do so if comfortable or you want to!

[usertoxicyaoi]

hey! this is a very serious question without negative ulterior to it and i'm sorry in advance if you take it the wrong way, but i really want to have your point of view on how you feel about sarawat and tine not having a proper kiss scene yet? don't you feel it to be a little unrealistic and quiet naive from the show? even if i personally don't want them to kiss in every episode tbh but having such little reaction from tine, after being boyfriend with sarawat make it looks uncomfortable

hiii anon!!! oh man ... i ..... this topic of discussion has become so ... its polarising to the point where ive become tired of it bc of how contentious its become.

kisses are an added bonus to things, if anything for me personally, which is nice to see. yes, i'd like to see tine initiating a kiss, or actively kissing sarawat back too, but .... it just doesnt feel right right now for that to happen. not when tine's not ready to do so.

now some may say that theyve moved in but tine isnt willing to kiss? to which i say ... ya know. yes theyre boyfriends. but theyre also really really good friends to one another too. they enjoy each others companionship. they want to share their space with one another. and tine has been physically close to sarawat in SO MANY ways, that its just as fulfilling and satisfying to see, so much so that a kiss is just gonna be a bonus. nothing else. but tine's perhaps just not quite ready to initiate a kiss yet bc ... that might mean a lot to him, and tine still is in this frame of mind rn where he still cannot believe he is wat's boyfriend, but he's trying and he's putting in the effort bc he does like wat. and he wants wat to Know that. and wat is so patient with tine, that he's okay with tine not wanting to initiate kissing. but tine rn needs the emotional fulfillment his relationship with wat brings to him as he navigates his way through his insecurities and low self esteem. thats not easy to do. not at all. and pam is still yet to come!!! and thats going to open a whole can of worms. and until that doesnt get addressed, tine is going to be On Edge. sarawat ending ep 11 by saying "i dont think anything bad will happen anymore" is just as ominous sounding bc things still havent actually been sorted? theyve told each other they like one another, but that does nothing for tine's insecurities when he Knows at the back of his head that mil is still Lurking. and then pam is going to come into the frame and thats gonna Stress tine out even more until he has no option but to lay it out flat on the table to sarawat, that "hey, listen. i dont feel so good about these things and we need to talk about them." until tine doesnt initiate THIS, sarawat is not going to know. and THAT is what needs addressing between them, and what tine NEEDS addressing for the sake of his own sanity and healing and heart, before he feels secure enough that "our relationship isn't under potential risk, damage or threat and that wat isnt going anywhere," to initiate kissing or whatever. but the problem rn is tine is just not brave enough to voice out his deepest concerns or insecurities. and he's gonna NEED a push like pam (who is a literal reflection of himself) to do that.

i just ... i dont feel like ive missed anything with them having not kissed, when we have gotten to see them be intimate in So Many Ways. and theyre all just as valid. and its quite telling that even tho they havent kissed, people are still HOOKED onto their love story, bc thats what it is: a story about 2 boys falling in and figuring out love. so, something must be happening right for people to be so enamored by their love story. and every facet of love is being shown here, from emotional to physical, and so, a kiss will come, when it will. why not enjoy all the other ways, in the meantime, where we see them being intimate? through words and gestures and gifts and healthy communication and mementos and domesticity, etc? isnt that what real life couples also do? isnt it so nice to see 2 boys slowly falling in love with one another, in their first relationships with a boy, have all these things between them to signify their relationship too?

and then theres a small matter of this being a gmmtv show. you're not gonna get kisses for the sake of them. thus, it makes every kiss that does happen feel that much more monumental and significant. personally, i prefer that.

but yeah, endpoint is: the kissing is just a bonus. if we get it, cool. if we don't, i'm cool with that too. tine and sarawat's love for one another shines through in every act of theirs, anyway. the whole world, literally, knows that as Fact.

[luhvelight]

Hi, may I please have a tarot reading? You were so accurate the last time since J turned out to be a complete asshole. Boy just completely cut off contact after saying we didn’t vibe after we talked for SO LONG. Didn’t give me a solid reason why he decided not to chat anymore but was wondering if you could tell me what may possibly be the actual reasons why J has stopped talking to me? Thank you so much in advance!! -C🍀♋️

Hi C! Although Im glad that reading resonated, Im sorry that J turned out to be an asshole. For both your readings I get this excited or bubbly feeling that I do feel directly comes from your energy or ~vibe~. J is missing out on your radiance, sucks for him!

For you I pulled the upright Judgement, reversed Six of Swords and upright Two of Wands.

All three cards actually discuss the process of decision making. It is quite possible that J reflected upon wether or not he wanted to continue speaking with you on several occasions. I understand how you may feel that this maybe the total opposite but all three cards represent a duality of some kind or struggling with making a decision. I do also get the indication from the Six of Swords that J went about making this decision alone and didnt ask anyone for advice and kind of just made up his own mind and stuck to it. The Six of Swords also indicates a third party (another person) adding trouble to J’s life. This can either be someone that just entered his life or an ex. J might not have given himself enough time to heal from said past relationship before he moved onto you. And overall, this third party doesnt just mean its another romantic partner/ex romantic partner but a relationship gone wrong with either a friend or family member. Whatever it maybe, J never gave himself enough time to fully address the issue. He maybe stuck in a lot of unresolved conflict in general and this could be potentially overwhelming him to the point of isolation. Overall since J’s wounds from past relationships may still be fresh, he may have also attempted to rush the process of healing these wounds and probably was trying to rush himself into this relationship or friendship with you and disliked how slow it was taking him to fully submerge himself into the relationship you both had or could have had. It might have been easier for him just to leave yet harder for him to actually give you any real explanation as to why. The Two of Wands suggests that J could have not been completely content or comfortable within the relationship because of reasons stated above. You might have even felt at moments you couldn’t exactly get a grip on his emotions or maybe there fishy things going on that you were okay with ignoring because it didnt seem serious at the time. Overall, J might have been a bit detached and you may have gotten the sense that he always had one foot out of the door. On the Two of Wands card there is a man pictured to be looking longingly over the ocean, he seems like he is reflecting, like he wants more. This could suggest that J may have been dissatisfied. The Judgement card really ties all of this information together. It is here to remind you that you are not the cause of J’s dissatisfaction and you are not the reason that J stopped communication. The Judgement card suggests that he isnt an honest individual and this led to not honest communication between the two of you. It really is a “its not me, its you” kind of situation. You may even felt at times that J was a bit critical and didnt hold back his opinions even if they were a bit harsh. And Im here to remind you that at the end of the day, this has NOTHING to do with you. J’s own personal problems and emotions lead him to be the way he is. You are good enough and damn him if he ever made you feel less than enough. It is clear here that he should have respected you (and himself) more by letting go of things that no longer serve him. It is truly up to him now to see if he can rise above negative behaviors. As much as we all really do want to help others and as humans we have that innate nurturing ability inside us— noone deserves to be someone elses punching bag.

Iam truly wishing you the best, sending lots of love and light your way dear. Xoxo

[robynsheart]

2019, thank you but definitely next.

2019 has definitely been really weird. I think what's even more weird about it is how, just a second ago it was January and now we're bidding goodbye to it. It feels like it was an absolute blur and as much as I'd like to claim that I was fully present and really living my best life, I did most things just so I can say iv done them. It was fun, I won't lie but I sometimes wonder if the intent was ever really pure. Nonetheless I needed this year for healing, I never thought I would be able to get back on my feet, I'm not fully back but just regaining something within myself that I feel I had lost. Something as simple as humor and just the lightweight feeling of not taking life too seriously - I could also credit that to wine😂 but you get what I'm saying.

Another weird thing about 2019 was how I couldn't hide my own vulnerability to myself. As someone who is really open and about self awareness, I am really not about vulnerability. I would often look at how vulnerable my mother is with me with judgment, to some extent it reflected how I think people respond when you are vulnerable. I am afraid of becoming to vulnerable with people because of judgment obviously, but this year my entire self started a process without my permission to ACT OUT when I try to hide how I feel. Every negative feeling that has gone unnoticed or even ignored has manifested itself in ways I couldn't even imagine and iv experienced so much hate and anger that iv never experienced in my entire existence. I don't know how to fully process the negative things which are bound to happen in life yet, I think in the past my way of dealing with anything was pretending it wasn't there so now I have to actually face the music and deal with things. I do it at a very premature level, but I hope this is something I can work on as the years go - building up a good ass communication with some vulnerability. The messed up part is the idea of also not being vulnerable with myself, it's honestly shooting myself in the foot. I can't figure out how I feel like I am also an enemy and hence can't become vulnerable with myself - I have endured so much judgment and hate from myself without realizing it and it's crazy that spirit and soul that hosts all my experiences s till won't feel safe even in its own home.

I have discredited whatever it is that I have needed to say or which ever move that I needed to make with just a "uh nope that's not your lane". I think it's very important to have moments of vulnerability with yourself so that you can share it with other people, so when a vulnerable moment has to happen with someone else it doesn't feel so foreign in your spirit.

My spirit this year has felt exhausted more and more with each day. I keep thinking it reminds me of the time when I was in Highschool and I was literally in the passenger seat of my own life. Highschool was weird because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and I kept going and going. It created a monotonous vibe in my life and I was in a space where I was just getting by and always promising myself better but never showing up for myself. There's a vivid memory of me sitting in church during a sermon and having the thought that I'd start reading the Bible more from the coming week, did I ever? NO! I find myself literally in the same damn cycle. I used to read a lot and I just outgrew the habit but I find myself wanting to go back to reading, I set myself up for such a fail because I know I won't be in that mood but I keep selling myself dreams about becoming that person. I am always tired and never really want to honour some of the stuff I say I will do because I just don't hold myself accountable. I genuinely hate being in the passenger seat of my own life when I know there is something I can do but won't do because I am demotivated and lazy,it's a sad space to be in.

There has been good too about this year, I'm just not sure I am in a position to recognize it because it's not the form that I would have it you know? The silent blessings that we don't recognize because we are overlooking them to see if your cup is being filled with the same shit as your neighbor or friend. I think when everything has felt like the biggest exhaustion it becomes hard to recognize something which is a blessing, I remember telling my friend that it's weird how I alway think that I will only start living or become happy once iv reached certain milestones in my life and at that time, relationships (romantic) was number one on the list. I don't remember what the second was but there we're two specific things which I felt that if I had to have, I then would become happy or have everything that I have ever wanted in life, which my dear is so fucked up. If anything after that statement, and getting into a relationship shortly thereafter I need to realize how miserable I was trying to carry another human being who didn't need to be carried. We sacrifice SOMUCH just to have what other people, because it looks glamorous but it isn't always. The relationship I entered into after that statement was one of the Worst I had ever been in, listen if you need to go the movies take your friends. Develop friendships, develop actual relationships with people so you know people and people know you. The shit that's going on right now regarding relationship is genuinely the GHETTO and no one can convince me otherwise. We're literally trying to piece together items with weird stuff, there seems to be no genuine care for the other person or even respect. Another thing is that people don't really know each other and people don't really like each other that much. It's all based on some superficial aspect and honestly for me it cannot be physical because (1) Cute niggas are never attract to me (2) I am never attracted to cute niggas lol. Whoever I date, I date based on personality, but that still isn't enough. There are some very fake bonds that we have with people out here that are very dangerous.

I know from my side that Iv tried to make homes of human beings, and in the year where I have struggled so much with adapting to loosing friends and having people leave my life (growing up). I have tried to make a placemat with other human beings just trying to fill up this empty space which once was friendships and sisterhood. The most painful honestly, you know when you fight with someone and you loose them, it almost justifies how you feel and where you can direct your anger towards but when someone outgrows you or moves on to a totally different path, it's a bit weird. You don't know how to fathom that type of loss, because that person is still there and probably loves you as much but has just moved on. It's the biggest mindfuck, and I found myself saying to myself way too many times that you cannot posses people, you can only experience them and that's what happens. I have been struggling to find a positive way of moving on, I almost feel as though my body knows war only and recognizes war only and therefore even in situations where there isnt war, I don't know how to love and bless that person without feeling sometype of betrayal. Realizing that person still wishes you great in life but not knowing how to receive because they have decided to leave you (in your head). It's like I only know how to comprehend love if it is a certain way and if it's not in that way then it feels like rejection. My thing now has been wanting to get over that person as if they have hurt me, and I think we owe people that sense of freedom and liberation. We cannot hold on to people like that, I am trying to find a way to understand what has happened without being angry, without judgment and obsession by just letting that person go (if that's what meant to happen).

I don't know if the walls I have built have made it difficult for me to love other people without reservation. I think about how difficult it has become for me to full celebrate people that are in my life without feeling like my own shine is being restraint. I often think about how my self love/hate shows up immensely in very narcissistic ways and then quickly inferior. It's so crazy how this cycle works, it's obviously an ego thing but wow. I genuinely either love myself in a narcissistic way or I am hating myself to wards inferiority. There's no in-between and there's no healthy love, hence sometimes there isn't even a healthy love for others. It's always about me, not too sure why but to some extent the idea of my own insecurity and an unsettling image of self is what pushes through. I don't get the idea of becoming jealous and hateful of friends because they have something you don't have or even the idea that someone is prettier or gets more attention that you do. These are things which happen in life, actual things and I sometimes feel like it takes away from the bigger picture because we are so self absorbed. It's focusing on the small nitty-grittys that have nothing to do with anything. I almost feel like as person you don't have anything going on for you in your life or something to focus on that becomes your only win, which is the really ridiculous but very valid. Focusing on so much more of your wins puts you in a better place I guess to recognize other people's wins. In a perfect world we're all winning but in reality we all win at different points in our lives and really have to acknowledge when someone else wins.

It's not always easy to praise someone else's win, especially when you can't recognize your own or even praise your small wins. The idea of not being able to praise some of my friends wins has made me feel like a terrible person but I have to understand that I am battling an inner ego, this one girl said that you need to love yourself enough to want see yourself win or something like that and I think my shadow believes still believe in playing small and hence there's this huge constraint towards me being the highest version of myself. But this isn't the person I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to be hateful and salty about seeing people achieve things that they have worked hard for, that's not a healthy space to be. I don't know if as human beings we could ever be fully happy for each other but I want to try and attain that space, believing that maybe my portion is waiting for me :)