#i inferred from anon that they too would prefer at least some level of masking here

[kamari3]

i have a question regarding the post about how to engage online, i think what OP is trying to say is no matter what your personal method is of showing affection, treating a stranger on the internet with the same assumptive casual nature as you would a friend is not good or a healthy mind state to have. Like if you were invited to a get-together and you walked up to someone you didnt know and said "hey ya dickhead, looking fresh today!". You'd NEVER do that irl so why would u online?

Oh, oh I have an answer for this one!

Okay so, full disclosure: I'm autistic so I absolutely have this thing about over analyzing social interactions! I also have this thing where I filter every single experience solely through my own worldview/lense before I can even attempt to apply data from other people's experiences, so it is very limiting and personal. what i say is in reference to me, and whether that applies to anyone else is up in the air.

SO!! TOPIC AT HAND:

In IRL interactions, I normally have to sort people into two sort-of-broad umbrella groups: the in-group that I, in general, do not have to mask around (you know what masking is right?), and the out-group that I do have to mask around.

In a broad sense, the in-group is close family and close friends, and the out-group is literally everyone else.

The only way to go from being in the out-group to the in-group is to be exposed to my non-mask persona and to respond favorably, usually repeatedly with longer and longer exposure.

My 'masks' are necessary tools for interacting in polite society. They are used to help choose correct vocabulary (filter vulgaries, off color jokes, and hyperfixation tangents which are inappropriate for whatever i'm doing- i shouldnt be getting into a debate about Zelda Lore with the cashier at subway just because they say they like my zelda shirt no matter how much i may want to), keep body language somewhat neutral and appropriate (minimize stimming gestures which could accidentally hit someone or break something), and help keep myself on task.

When I am not wearing my mask, or wearing less intense ones, I do not do these things, or do them with a much lower rate of success.

It is expected and appropriate to maintain my Polite Society Masks when out in society to minimize inconveniencing the other people in my community.

However, it is Literally Impossible to forge a connection with anyone, ever, while wearing these masks. They arent real. They are Acting that is Necessary and largely do not reflect my actual personality and disposition.

To make a friendship, one needs to show sincerity and vulnerability, to offer up yourself in a show of (usually platonic) intimacy that can be accepted, and hopefully reciprocated.

Offline, there is this confusing, intricate social etiquette dance that I really don't understand that cues us into when and where it is okay for me to do this, to take off this mask and attempt the Friendship Test.

Online, there really isnt any such thing, or at least not one I have noticed. The rules I have managed to figure out (assuming i'm right, i may not be) are about the context of the website you are having the interaction on. Professional places like Facebook, LinkedIn, delivery service apps, and business emails are all examples of online places where the Mask is necessary.

I have always considered Tumblr to, by and large, be a place where the Mask can come Off.

However, exceptions that prove the rule and all that: certain individual Blogs/Users can differentiate themselves as being set aside to be Mask Only interaction: like Neil Gaimen, for example, and now the OP of that post. Boundaries are established and now, so long as I remember their username, I will know to put the mask on around them in order to be polite at all times.

This, by the very nature of my situation, excludes all possibility of actual friendship between us, since it cuts away the chance for intimacy and vulnerability.

And that is OK! There is nothing wrong with not being friends! \o/ We can be polite and share the same space! And I agreed with that sentiment greatly!

I am, vaguely, aware that other people do not necessarily function this way. There is a great possibility that OP from that post has some other avenues or rituals for making friends online, which other people can pick up on and utilize. And thats great too! But I cant do that. Until such a time as I am personally given a little metaphorical permission slip to be as unhinged as I feel like being around OP, I have to accept and respect the distinct possibility that there is never going to be a Friendship between us. Which I do! Because I'm (trying) not (to be) an entitled prick, and I think that everyone should be able to establish their own boundaries and have those be respected, even if it conflicts with my own and necessitates distance.

Anyway I hope you enjoy my essay that sits as an example for how hilariously bad I am at actually talking to people. :3